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babelfishing · 3 years

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Everything I Have Written

It's about time I added a pinned post with everything I've written online. I originally thought, "I'll make this a best-of!" But eh, I love them all in their own special way. So here's just about Everything (TM).

I'll do my best to keep this updated with new content. Thank you so much for reading! Your comments and kudos mean the world to me.

Things I Have Written (She-Ra)

The Girl Who Swallowed a Star

"Hey, it's okay. Just relax, straighten your legs, and start walking."

Adora's body did so reflexively and to her surprise, the air beneath her boots felt stable and calm. Gingerly, she leaned her weight forward and found that the invisible surface did not give way.

"There you go, now you're getting it," Catra whispered after sensing the lingering tension in her ward's body. She leaned in closer such that her chin rested in the crook of Adora's neck. "Don't worry, I've got you."

A few dreamy steps further, the sorceress looked over and caught Adora staring. With an enticing grin, she returned the favor.

"Look at you. You're a natural."

"Heh...I guess so."

"And here I thought you were some magic-less flower delivery girl."

"You're pretty magical yourself."

A Howl’s Moving Castle-inspired AU about love, war, and the perils of fighting other people’s battles. (Ongoing, Ch. 1 so far)

My Heart Overtook my Body

My "Your Name" AU, written for the S5 1-Year Anniversary Big Bang!

Like perfect strangers, Catra and Adora are busy living their own lives, out in the country and deep in the city, respectively. But one night, they begin switching places, each waking the next morning in the other’s body without a clue to the cause. As the switches continue, the pair are faced with a daily choice – stay true to their opposite’s wishes or meddle in their affairs, spicing it up or perfecting it as they see fit.

Soon enough, the pair find themselves at each other’s necks, spiteful of the person on the other end of the line. But as they begin to see more of the world through the other’s eyes, Catra and Adora begin to feel their summer passions blossoming into something more, their lives now inextricably bound by the red string of fate. That cord continues to tighten as they explore the person they’ve become, until the pair must overcome a hardship greater than distance to find a way back to each other (53k, 12 chapters)

A Beautiful Wish

Without warning, Catra opens her eyes and finds herself in a new reality where the Horde’s conquest had been successful, where she has become queen of the Horde by force, and where Adora has never left her side. Wracked with an insatiable bout of amnesia, Catra must now decide if this world is truly what she wants – even when it is too good to be true.

A parallel to Adora's "wish" in Heart Pt. 2 (9.9k words).

Something Bitter, Something Sweet

Between their banter and a few glasses of wine, Catra and Glimmer stir up a cherished dumpling recipe and a few bittersweet memories (9.2k)

Caught Out

Adora and Catra trek through the great outdoors together and try to climb up to a scenic mountain peak. The weather has other plans, though. Despite the rain, the couple find a way to grow closer while retracing feelings of the past (9k).

Pitter Patter Goes my Heart

Catra has something she needs to ask Adora, and her racing thoughts won’t let her sleep until she gets an answer. It all started with a nightmare, but in the silence of their Horde cadet dormitory, Catra still finds the courage to lean into a dream she’s long held in her heart (3.3k).

The Sculptors Marble Sends Regards

On the 3rd anniversary of the war's end, Bright Moon makes a new addition to its statuary hall of heroes. Catra feels like she doesn't deserve the honor, causing old guilt about the war to bubble up (5.9k).

Pink in the Night

On a cadet training mission in the field, Catra and Adora sneak out of camp to explore a mysterious glowing cave. There, a crystal of unique beauty catches their mutual eye. But their nighttime escapade soon turns treacherous as the ground beneath them begins to give way. In the blink of an eye, Catra learns what it takes to save the person she cares about most in the world - even if she's only beginning to come to terms with her feelings (13.8k).

Compliments to the Chef

Catra and Adora enjoy the beginnings of a perfect Saturday morning, starting with a lovingly prepared meal and then...maybe more (4k)

That's It, Forever

My first ever fic! Catra struggles with her guilty conscience, even with the war now in the rear view (2.6k).

Don't Change

Catra has a question and she’s not sure she can sleep until she knows the answer. She wants to know what it feels like to transform into She-Ra, but more importantly, she wants to be sure she’ll always have Adora - no matter who she changes into (3.2k).

Truth and/or Drink

What's a few personal questions between friends? A lot, as it turns out, based on Adora and Glimmer's romantic history. For a time, both women thought that they could make their living arrangement work platonically. But after a few rounds of a classic drinking game, they both reveal some truths that help reconcile their past while also making it harder for them to live together as "just friends" (7.4k).

Missing Out, Missing You

One evening, aboard Horde Prime’s ship, two former enemies converse about their younger years and what could have been, if not for the war (2.2k)

Things I Have Written (The Owl House)

Mint Chocolate

Amity's not jazzed about the prospect of re-dying her hair. That is, until Luz volunteers to help. After that, she can hardly say "no," let alone remain focused on the task at hand. In the end, the pair end up with more on their mind than what to do with their snow white hair (6.6k).

Such a Heavenly View

Amity invites Luz to watch the stars from a popular Boiling Isles overlook. But a storm rolls in to ruin their date - at least, that's what everyone around them knows it to be. Luz manages to find a way to save the night, though, with a little mix of magic and burgeoning affection. (7.4k)

A Dull Roar

A project due date is approaching, so naturally, the library would be the best place for Luz and Amity to study. But as it turns out, even the library can offer its own share of distractions – that is, if you’re sitting with the right person.

Amity and Luz try to hit the books, but end up hitting on each other – in their own way (9.9k).

Don't Hold Your Breath

After Boscha tosses Amity's pendant in the Hexside pool, it's up to Luz and Amity to sneak in like cat burglars and nab it back. Their escapade makes for an intimate evening of night swimming - even if they're not mutually ready to admit their feelings just yet. But even without saying it, Luz eventually shows how much her new friend means to her when the pool's perilous nature comes to a head (8.5k)

The Fireworks in Me

On the eve of the Midwinter Festival, an argument between Amity and Luz boils over, leaving the latter struggling to find the words to apologize. Though a walk through town manages to cool her nerves, it may take a little extra warmth - from her girlfriend and their favorite holiday brew - to fully make amends (3.5k).

Letterman

After lending Luz her varsity jacket, Amity realizes the implications just a moment too late (2.4k).

In the Blink of an Eye

A serendipitous encounter in the Palisman Woods offers Amity a chance to show her true spark. But her fire magic isn’t the only flame on this battlefield. Somehow, someway, Amity finds her harsh demeanor melting away after catching a glance of a certain human stranger. Maybe if she’s lucky, her quick thinking will be enough to get her name (7.9k)

Thank you to everyone who reads my work! Your kudos and comments are appreciated beyond your wildest belief. I have a bunch of wips and half-ideas that I may add to this collection as well, so don't miss those.

#fanfic #Ao3 #writing #Fanfiction #ao3 #She-Ra #spop #The Owl House

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samwxlsxon · 4 years

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worried glances.

summary: You are a tech analyst for the Avengers. After the events of The Winter Soldier, you tracked Bucky down out of curiosity. Your relationship blossomed in secret. Now that Bucky has been arrested by Joint Counter Terrorism, your secret relationship is in jeopardy of being outed.

pairing: bucky barnes x f!reader

word count: 4.2k

warnings: language and bad writing if you count that

sidenote: hi! this is my first fic of any kind so if it sucks, i am truly sorry. it is definitely going to have a part 2, but idk how many parts after that?? i hope you guys like it! any feedback is appreciated :))

read part 2 here!

If you could describe Berlin’s Joint Counter Terrorism Centre, hot certainly would not be in your description. The glass walls and empty spaces allowed for easy flow of air. Like any government building, it was surely freezing. It was the middle of summer so the AC was up full blast.

But you were melting. Your face and ears were burning and you were sure you would melt a hole in the metal handles of the doors when you pushed them aside. You were in a sundress and a light jacket, but you felt like a furnace.

You entered the building behind Tony and you couldn’t help the nerves that had overcome your body. A man, who would later introduce himself as Everett Ross, greeted you as soon as you entered.

“Tony Stark,” Ross shook Tony’s hand and acknowledged you as well. “Glad you decided to come to your senses. The Accords are good work.”

Tony rolled his eyes and responded while looking at your distressed form, “Tell that to blondie and his goon of a friend. And to this one over here. Can we get her some water? I don’t need another medical bill.”

As you were led through the glass halls, you tuned out their conversation and focused on the ringing in your ears.

The Accords had everyone on edge. Tony and Steve had obvious tensions and they seemed to have dragged the rest of the team down as well. It started to become obvious whose side you were on when you refused to attend the signing. You had stayed in New York, making adjustments to online data units just to keep your mind off things. You weren’t much for arguing. Besides, you had slightly bigger problems-- problems that involved a criminal with a metal arm.

To say you had curiosity towards the Winter Soldier was an understatement. So much so, that you managed to stick a micro-tracker to his arm during the fight on the highway two years ago. Steve and Sam chastised you for getting involved, but you didn’t care. The nasty black eye the Winter Soldier had given you was deemed worth it now that you had secured his location.

The technology was virtually undetectable-- your creation, of course. You could only notice it if you were looking for it. You knew you needed to keep a tab on him. And when you found out that he was Steve’s long-lost bestie, that only solidified the need to keep him under watch.

But the longer you stared at his location, the more you wanted to find yourself in Bucharest and knock on his door.

You wanted to talk to him, to put the pieces together- to learn about the HYDRA technology he’d seen. It would be a breakthrough. It would finally give the Avengers a boost ahead of the enemy.

You knew Steve would never look your way again if he found out you had this information or if he even knew you were thinking of paying Bucky a visit. But curiosity killed the cat.

So that’s why, a little over a year ago, you showed up on Bucky’s apartment doorstep with a black journal and a nervous smile. You figured you’d give him the journal as a peace offering, hoping that he get some use out of it. You knocked a couple times, but he didn’t even open the door as he told you to go away.

‘So much for hospitality’ you thought. The hot, dry weather made you start to regret wearing jeans. "Um, I don’t know if you remember me,” you crossed your arms and spoke against the door. “But we met in D.C. I’m a friend of Steve’s.”

There was no movement for a couple minutes. Then, you heard clicks coming from the locks and the door creaked open. He stood in front of you with a face that looked far from amused. He looked tired, metal arm mostly covered by a jacket despite the heat. His hair was behind his ears and stubble crept up the sides of his face.

He silently stepped aside, inviting you in. He watched carefully as you entered, shutting and locking the door behind you. The apartment was dark despite the florescent lights hanging from the ceiling. The kitchen area was cluttered with dishes and boxes. The couch was small and the walls were missing chips of paint. The bed on the floor looked like it had seen better days. The apartment looked like someone hadn’t thought of cleaning it for quite some while.

There was a table in the corner next to some shelves and then a singular bathroom. You looked from Bucky to the space. ‘Fitting.’ you thought. At least it matched his style- rugged and confused. You walked further inside and placed the journal on the table, sticking your hands in your pockets.

“What’s that?” he asked gruffly. He eyed the journal and leaned against the front door.

“It’s nothing, really.” You sat down on the chair next to the table and tapped on the cover of the book. “I thought you would like something to write things in. Like the stuff you learn...about yourself, or something.”

The newspaper that covered the windows prevented most light from entering the apartment. The lights on the ceiling were doing minimal to accentuate his features. You really couldn’t tell if he was even showing emotion.

He slowly removed himself from the front door and walked towards you. He was weary to pick up the journal, but when he did, he held it in his hands for a couple seconds and flipped through the blank pages.

“Thank you.” he responded. It was straight to the point. His voice didn’t waver or give any indication of what he was actually thinking. If he completely hated it, you wouldn’t have known.

You nodded and put your hands on your lap, intertwining them. “Yeah no problem.” you breathed, following the statement with an introduction.

“James. But I go by Bucky.” He took a seat in-front of you at the table. He left the journal in the middle of the table and eyed you as he got comfortable. “I know you didn’t come here to give me a journal. So what do you want?”

So then it started. You explained to him your curiosity; your curiosity for him and your desire to help him remember his past. You didn’t dare mention HYDRA. You wouldn’t want him mistaking your interest for something evil.

It quickly turned into a conversation. You asked him how much he remembered and what actually happened to him. You told him about Steve, the Avengers, New York, Ultron, everything. And he was interested. He would occasionally chime into your stories with a comment or a memory that was triggered by something you said. It was the first real conversation Bucky had in over 70 years.

And things sprinted from there. You visited him as often as you could, a couple times a month if things allowed it. You told the team you were out with friends for the weekend or visiting your family at home.

You wired your phone’s GPS to match your made-up location and found yourself at the very door you once wouldn’t even think about knocking on.

Bucky was stoic and downright intimidating, no matter how often you visited. But as you continued to bring him old pictures of Steve or excerpts from military documents at the time of his enlistment, he started to open up.

He started asking you questions about his past-his family. You had done your research on his origins, prepared to tell him everything.

He and Steve grew up in Brooklyn. His parents were Winnipeg and George Barnes. He was an officer in the 107th. You had all this information but you were so hesitant to tell him. You felt like you were robbing Steve of his moment.

You didn’t want to lie to Steve. Ever since D.C. he had longed for his best friend. It broke your heart that you were going behind his back. It felt even worse knowing that it was Steve who was supposed to be sharing these memories with Bucky.

But it was too late to tell him now. The more people that knew about Bucky’s location the riskier it would be. He was a wanted criminal after all.

But when Bucky gave you a look of curiosity and confusion, you knew he had been through enough pain to be withheld an answer. He would drink up the answers you gave him, engraving them into his memory. Every new discovery would be written in his journal.

Slowly, he began to anticipate your arrival and dread your departure. You were his first real friend in decades.

And so it went on for months. The visits and the talks. You were too intrigued to leave him alone, and at this point, you don’t think you could leave him if you tried. Slowly that friendship began to escalate. You would spend nights in his apartment instead of at the Marriott down the street. You would sleep on the couch. It was not the most comfortable sleep of your life, but you didn’t dare take the bed. He didn't deserve more discomfort.

He would greet you with a smile and a hug when you would arrive. Although the hug was brief and hesitant, it was a start. You would go on walks throughout the city and he would point out the Romanian architecture. He would teach you bits of Romanian and Russian. Common words like ‘coffee’ or ‘restroom’.

It would keep you both occupied. He would never admit it out loud, but he was grateful for your company. Loneliness and his trauma didn’t mix well.

It was like someone had taken your relationship, once so distant and weary, and turned it completely upside down.

Something as trivial as an accidental brush of his hand on yours as you reached for a french fry at dinner would stay in your mind for hours. You would lay next to him as he hesitantly wrapped his human arm around you, too scared about the unpredictability of his metal one.

He would tell you stories from his childhood involving Steve and you would laugh at the amount of times that man had found himself in alley fights.

Eight months into the visits, your relationship took a turn. You stood inside of his apartment about to leave for the airport. He had grabbed your hand and turned you to look him.

You were close. So close that you could see your reflection in his beautiful blue eyes. After a moment of staring, you did the only thing fitting at the time. You leaned in and kissed him.

He was so shocked, he didn’t move. It had been years since he had any amicable human interaction. His days had been filled with torture and pain. To see you treat him with such care and understanding made him question everything. You helped him remember.

Realizing that he wasn’t reciprocating, you pulled back, apologizing profusely. You had ruined everything. As you made another attempt for the door, he grabbed you and kissed you again. It felt right. It felt comforting. His lips molded with yours like they were peices of a puzzle; like they belonged together.

It was as if he was communicating to you all the longing and ache that was inside him all this time. Longing for affection.

So here you are, exactly six months from the kiss. The kiss eventually turned into more kisses. Those turned into feelings. He was different around you. A good different. Happy.

It became an unspoken relationship. You two obviously cared for each other. No one ever found out, no one ever could find out, especially not Steve.

If anyone discovered you had formed a secret relationship with a wanted Soviet criminal, you would be in more trouble than you cared to see yourself in.

The Avengers never really saw eye-to-eye with anyone trying to impose on them. They were independent, autonomous. But now, things were different. Tony, Rhodey, Vision, Nat.

They all agreed that the Avengers were overdue for some checks. That allowed an outlet for world governments to ease their way into putting the Avengers in their place.

When you got a call from Natasha saying something along the lines of Steve and Sam arrested, bomb at the signing, and Winter Soldier, you were on a plane to Berlin in a heartbeat.

With half of the Avengers teamed up with the government, Steve and Sam had no choice but to surrender. The Avengers were splitting.

So yeah, you were nervous. With Bucky on max-security lockdown, he would be just one question away from outing your relationship. While you never think he would, a slip-up could make you lose your job; a slip-up could have you arrested.

Ross led you and Tony to a glass office in the middle of a control center. Sharon was already inside and gave you a small wave as you made eye contact.

“You can wait in here until they arrive. Rogers and Wilson have had their gear impounded. I’ll make sure you get a copy receipt of what was taken.” Ross gave you a nod and turned to an agent beside him, ordering her to give Tony the write-up of the suits.

Tony’s ringtone made you turn your head. “It’s the Secretary. Shit. Go inside, I need to take this.” He sighed, pinched his noise, and walked towards a quieter area.

You turned around and opened the door to the office. There was a TV hanging from the ceiling. It was playing news coverage from Vienna.

‘Jesus,’ you thought. You sat down in-front of Sharon and gave her a worried look. The chair squeaked as you leaned back.

“What the hell happened?” You bit your finger nail and waited for her answer.

“A bomb went off at the signing. Large casualties. Killed the king of Wakanda. Security cameras caught Barnes on the scene. He’s the main suspect. The clean up for this is going to be insane.” She shook her head, thinking of the amount of press calls she would have to take after this was over.

You were speechless. How could it have been Bucky if he hadn’t left Bucharest in months? You had removed the tracker from his arm and apologized a long time ago, but he surely would’ve told you if he was planning on leaving, incase you came to visit.

She leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms. “Steve and Wilson tracked down Barnes. They insisted on bringing him in instead of authorities. And look where that got them.”

Now that peaked your interest. “How did they find him? Steve has been looking for him for months.”

“They got a tip, I guess.” You noticed something in her voice when she spoke. She was too quick to answer and it sounded rushed, like she wanted to gloss over the topic.

“Next thing we know all four of them are beating ass in a public highway. Lots of damage, but what’s new.” She gave you a dry laugh.

“Four? Who else was there?” You asked.

“T’Challa. Wakandan. He’s the kings son.” She paused. “Well, king now. He has a superhero gimmick of his own. They call him Black Panther. Seems like everybody’s got a toy these days.” She rolled her eyes.

You were about to say something when there was a knock on the glass wall. Ross was standing there signaling for Sharon to come out.

“They’re here. Stay and I’ll be back.” She got up and left the office. As she opened the door you could hear the commotion going on outside. Phones ringing and people talking. Ross’s voice barking orders made you chuckle.

You stared at the TV for a moment. A reporter stood in-front of the rubble and spoke. It was muted so you couldn’t hear what he was saying.

You thought back to what Sharon had said. A tip. Someone else knew where Bucky had been. That meant that they most likely saw you coming and going from his apartment. He was being tracked. He was being watched.

“Fuck.” You mumbled. You leaned your head back to stare at the ceiling.

You were an idiot. Of course he was being watched. He’s a ninety-something super soldier that worked as a brainwashed killing machine for Soviet Inc. since god-knows-when. To think anyone even let him get away was crazy.

You began to think of Bucky. He cannot catch a god damn break. After the time you’d spent with him, you couldn’t picture why people saw him as a threat.

“Well maybe the part where he’s killed people.” you mumbled while you put your face in your hands. He was so different around you- caring and gentle, nothing like the man who had once punched you in the face.

You spun around in your chair a couple times. You wondered how he was feeling. A pang in your chest hit you as you thought of him being carried away like a killer.

Mid-spin you spotted Tony and Steve walking towards the office. You stopped yourself and let your body adjust to the slight dizziness. No sign of Bucky. Of course not.

You bit back a worried look as they entered through the door. You didn’t realize you were holding your breath until you opened your mouth.

“Biggest idiot award goes to you, you idiot. Emphasis on stupid.” You got up and gave Steve a slap on the shoulder. He probably didn’t even feel it.

Feeling slightly bad for the slap, you engulfed him in a tight embrace. He chuckled and hugged you back, having to bend at the waist a little to match your height. “Compromise. I’ll leave all the idiot with you next time.”

You pulled away and glared at him. You weren’t necessarily a mean person, so you hadn’t had much practice in the art of menace. The glare was futile. Hopefully he got the message.

“She’s right.” Tony sighed as he sat down in the chair you had just gotten up from. “You made things worse. So much worse. What the hell were you thinking? I had calmed Ross down about the whole Accords signing for now. He was so close to giving you more time. Well, if you thought the Secretary was on my ass before, you should see him now. He wants you and Wilson prosecuted, Steve. And I don’t think I can get you out of this one.”

You shot Tony another of your infamous looks of concern. “Prosecuted? Now that’s a bit much. Tony he barely did anything wrong.”

He scoffed. “Barely? Captain Righteous chased a wanted national criminal and Soviet assassin through a highway in a country he’s not even from. There was fighting. There was damage. Not to mention the sweet media blowup this is all going to get.

“I told you we needed checks. You cannot decide where you want to exert your power. The Accords, Steve. This isn’t a free for all.”

Steve rolled his eyes and started walking around the space. “I understand that Tony. You-.”

“No!” Tony’s hand slammed on the table, making you jump and rest back against the glass wall. “I don’t think you do understand.” Steve stopped walking and looked at him.

“You are not understanding the true consequences of your actions here. For too long you, we, the Avengers, have caused chaos all around the world without so much as a slap on the wrist. No consequences. No repercussions. We think in our own self-interest.

“And just to show how little you’ve learned, you get yourself involved in an arrest that no one asked you to meddle with! You need to be checked, Rogers.” Tony rested his hand on his mouth.

Steve slowly sat down in-front of him and spoke, “We help people,Tony. As much as we don’t want to, there will always be casualties. We do it our way because our way works. We will be limited under the hand of the government if we let them control us. We take risks for the better of the people. Sometimes our judgement is the best judgement because we train for things like this. Under order of a third party we give up our right to decide.

“Bucky is my best friend.” Your stomach flipped when you heard his name. “He doesn’t deserve to be locked in here like an animal. He was brainwashed- tortured. HYDRA kept him for years as a pawn in one of their sick experiments. I’d be damned if it wasn’t me who brought him in.” He intertwined his hands on the table.

Tony pushed his chair back from the desk to give him room to lean back. “You’re not allow-” he started.

“Is he okay?” You spoke quietly from against the wall.

Both heads snapped towards you. Tony gave you a funny look, probably wondering why you even bothered asking.

Steve turned his chair slightly towards you, silently thankful for an escape from the argument.

“For now. He isn’t hurt or anything, but they have him locked up. They’re giving him a psych eval and then shipping him off.” He looked down and shook his head.

You bounced off the wall. “They’re moving him? Where? Why not just try him here?” You crossed your arms and got closer to the table.

“I don’t know.” Steve shrugged. “He has pending warrants in like 3 other countries. Not to mention he is accused of killing a Wakandan king. He’s going there first. And he never really committed a crime in Berlin so he had no reason to stay.”

“So much for keeping an eye on him. ‘M sorry, Stevie.” You muttered and gave him a sad look. He nodded and gave you a small smile in return.

In reality, you weren’t sad. Not sad, but angry. You had no right to be. He was wanted. He had to go through trial. You were mad at HYDRA. You were mad that those slimy motherfuckers put him through all this. They crafted him to be a perfect weapon but didn’t think of the consequences on his life.

Tony was about to speak up when Sharon and Sam entered the office.

“Bird costume? C’mon.” Sam exclaimed, trailing behind Sharon.

She rolled her eyes and walked to the table and picked up the TV remote. “Shut up, I didn’t write it.”

Grumbling, Sam sat down next to Steve after shoving the paper in his pocket.

Sharon gave Steve a quick look and pressed a button on the remote. She changed the channel on the TV. The news network from before now gone and replaced with live footage. Live footage from inside Bucky’s cell.

Well, if you could call it a cell. It was more like a block. A block with wrist and ankle cuffs and glass that looked like clear cement. He couldn’t escape if he wanted to.

Your jaw dropped and you let out a small gasp.

“His evaluation should start in about twenty minutes. I’ll leave this up here for you. Just don’t go blabbing that you saw this, please.” She gave you all a pleading look. Everyone nodded but Steve. He was too busy staring at Bucky through the screen.

Again, you felt the guilt in your chest from keeping the tracker secret from Steve.

Sam let out a low whistle. “They weren’t kidding about the security, huh.”

A small smile crept on Tony’s face but he didn’t look up from his phone. Steve silently got up and walked up close to the TV. He sat against the table, his eyes never leaving the screen.

You tried to not let your face give away your emotions. Bucky looked lonely. You wanted to touch him. Hold him. Tell him that everything was going to be okay. But those were empty promises because everything was absolutely, most definitely, not okay.

You were about to lose the man you loved to a jail cell for who-knows how long and there wasn’t anything you could do about it. Kinda fucking blows.

You had to casually rub your eye in order to stop the tears that were about to flow freely down your cheeks.

But the footage was short lived. Sharon saw two agents approach the office door and immediately changed the TV back. You wondered why she was so picky about that, seeing as the walls were made of glass.

Wondering why the channel was changed, Steve whipped around fast enough to see the agents walk in through the door. You rested your finger tips on the side of the table and picked at the wooden edge, too entrapped in your thoughts to truly process their entrance.

However, you turned around slowly as they addressed you.

The agent on the right was taller than the other. He looked important. They both did. While the rest of the agents in the building were dressed in casual business wear, these two wore suits. When you were walking through, you had only noticed suits on people like Ross- it signaled importance in your eyes.

When you didn’t respond, the tall one called your name again. Now everyone was paying attention. Tony had set his phone down and eyed them carefully.

“Yeah?” You protectively crossed your arms and stood up straighter.

This time, the shorter one spoke. “Ma’am, if you could please come with us. We would like to ask you some questions regarding Mr. Barnes.”

And your heart stopped.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i hope you guys liked it! lmk if you want to be added to the tag list for my future fics. any critiques or comments you guys have are always welcomed :) requests are open xoxo

370 notes · View notes

x-lulu · 4 years

Note

gurl 1-99 I dare you😄

haha no if that's too much just 1, 2, 24, 32, 77, 85, 95

well I finally answered them all babe, took me a week haha 💗

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most? world away by tonight alive, you give love a bad name by bon jovi, amnesia by five seconds of summer, had enough by lower than atlantis, take it out on me by thousand foot krutch, if I could fly by one direction, I just named the first that popped in my head

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? YOU

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17? a wind came in off the harbour, bringing the smell of the sea

4: What do you think about most? I’m an overthinker with anxiety so yeah I think about everything a lot, so I wouldn’t know what I think about most

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say? just an okay haha

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on? with, an oversized shirt and underwear

7: What’s your strangest talent? latin maybe?

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence) I don’t know rock? I’m not really the kind of person that puts a gender in things

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you? uhm I don’t think so, now I feel unimportant haha

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar? I’m more an using a hairbrush as a microphone kind of girl

11: Do you have any strange phobias? probably, I’m scared of a lot of things

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? don’t think so

13: What’s your religion? officially I’m Christian, I’m a bit searching for what I believe in tho, I do believe in jezus but not like walking on water and coming back from the death, I might believe in the Greek gods and nature gods

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? enjoying the fresh air, going for a walk/ride and look at cute animals

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? behind

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? even if you kill me I don’t know what band to say

17: What was the last lie you told? I lied about not being sad

18: Do you believe in karma? I don’t know, sometimes, but like there are people who’ve done terrible things, where is their karma?

19: What does your URL mean? it’s just my nickname, I didn’t want to make it fandom related because I’m a multi fandom and I didn’t want to have to change my url a lot, I also didn’t want to put my real name because I don’t want people to find me who I know in real life haha

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? my insecurity is my greatest weakness I think, I don’t know my greatest strength... maybe being a person who people feel loved and welcome by? Idk if people feel that way and idk if it’s a strength. If I’m gonna be poetic I have to say my greatest weakness and strength are both that I love someone with my whole heart, when I start loving you, I love you so much, I would do anything for you, but when someone fucks up, I’ll still love them even tho they don’t deserve it, so that comes with a lot of pain so yeah a weakness and a strength

21: Who is your celebrity crush? rudy pankow and dylan obrien

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping? yes

23: How do you vent your anger? I keep everything to myself till I explode and start screaming

24: Do you have a collection of anything? music records, stones and just memories from places I’ve been to

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? neither? If I’m comfortable I do enjoy video chatting especially in times like these where you can’t speak in real life

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become? this is hard one, I’ve never been happy with who I am, I do like me better than who I used to be

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love? sound I love is when you’re walking trough the woods just the birds, can’t think of one I hate, I definitely have some they just don’t come to mind rn

28: What’s your biggest “what if”? what if I keep going through and it doesn’t get better

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? yes and yes/maybe

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. my laptop and my pillow

31: Smell the air. What do you smell? flowers

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to? xanten

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast? uhm west coast? Idk haha

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender? harry styles is the first one that pops in my head

35: To you, what is the meaning of life? to find love, can be someone something, experience things that make you happy, enjoy it, learn, better the world

36: Define Art. creating something, it can have a meaning but it also can’t, a lot of people give it a deep meaning, which can be it, I just think art doesn’t always have to be deep are spectacular it can be someone making something because they have so much going in their head and they find peace in creating art and get inspired by their own experience, people also can it just do for fun, there are so many different kind of art and artists, I don’t think it can’t be defined

37: Do you believe in luck? I don’t know

38: What’s the weather like right now? rainy

39: What time is it? 9:54 pm

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? no licence

41: What was the last book you read? a fanfic on Wattpad fight or flight by ffsumth

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline? yes 🙈

43: Do you have any nicknames? lu and lulu obviously, loesje , samantha, pinguïn, polar bear, you called me lulu bear hehe

44: What was the last film you saw? I don’t remember...

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? uhm ive broken a few things, my toes and my arm, but nothing really bad actually

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly? no, I don’t want to, I have seen some really close, they’re beautiful

47: Do you have any obsessions right now? again you haha, but like all the stuff I post on here are my obsessions

48: What’s your sexual orientation? I don’t know, I think straight, but I don’t know for sure

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you? yeah

50: Do you believe in magic? I’m not certain, maybe I do :) I do live by the saying ‘just because you haven’t seen it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist’

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? sadly yes, like I won’t be mean to you or anything, but I will never ever trust you again, if I’m hurt I’m hurt and sadly I haven’t found a way yet to leave it behind, so I’m feeling a lot of pain and I’m never gonna forget that pain, so yeah...

52: What is your astrological sign? capricorn

53: Do you save money or spend it? uhm both? depends on how I feel and what time of the year it is, I have the bad habit to save it for a few months and then spend a lot of it

54: What’s the last thing you purchased? a apple pen so I can start trying digital art

55: Love or lust? love

56: In a relationship? with you hehe

57: How many relationships have you had? none official relationships, I’m just not lovable okay leave me alone haha

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue? no oops

59: Where were you yesterday? home, school, therapy

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? a pillow

61: Are you wearing socks right now? no

62: What’s your favourite animal? polar bears

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? no idea haha, I don’t have one

64: Where is your best friend? at home, like 20min away

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr. this is hard so I’m just gonna name the first five that come in my head @nxsmss @rafej-cambanks @thegreatestofheck @chrlsgillespie @nedleed

66: What is your heritage? I don’t know 🤷‍♀️

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM? sleeping, I had to get up early today

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name? never thought about it

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off? no

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? Is it bad to say yes? I mean I hate myself but I do think I’m a good friend

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? save the dog obviously!!!!

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? I think I would tell people, I’m not sure, but like so have people got the time to say goodbye the way they want to, I would travel the world I think, do everything on my bucket list, maybe some illegal stuff 🙈 (where no one gets hurt tho obviously), I don’t think I would be afraid... I mean I’m suicidal, I’ve literally been connected to death my whole life, if you understand what I mean

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love. uhm trust I think? If I would have love but don’t have trust I wouldn’t really feel loved anyway, I do really want to experience how it feels like to be loved tho...

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? the first song that came to mind is love my life by Robbie Williams, I rarely listen to it, but the lyrics really gives a boost of happiness and confidence

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number? 51 54

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? loyalty and trust, you don’t have to agree on everything or be interested in the same things, you do have to be there for each other

77: How can I win your heart? YOU ALREADY HAVE

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity? yes I think so

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? to get dogs

80: What size shoes do you wear? uhm 38 eu, 4,5 uk and 7 us

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone? a loving ... I hope to be a loving daughter, friend, wife and mother, someone who was always there for others

82: What is your favourite word? fuck haha, no idk but that is definitely a word I use a lot

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. pain....

84: What is a saying you say a lot? enjoy the little things

85: What’s the last song you listened to? ignorance by paramore

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours? uhm I do love black, I also like pastels and like a turquoise kind of colour

87: What is your current desktop picture? me and my friend

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? no one, there are a lot of people who did wrong, the need to be in jail, but I’m not saying someone deserves to die

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on? what goes on in my head, how I’m feeling

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do? scream probably haha

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? teleportation, I would travel the world haha

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? when I was in Ireland by the cliffs of moher

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? uhm this is a hard one, maybe seeing my father almost dying? (he is okay btw, we were lucky), I’ve had nightmares and anxiety ever since

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? I find this so weird to say for some reason... if I have to give a name it would be harry styles I think, because damn look at that man, but I don’t know, I would rather be friends with him than sleep with him tbh, I know you can do both haha, but idk I’m not like yes I want to sleep with him haha, I think I’ve read too many fanfics about him that I would find it awkward

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? ice land or canada

96: Do you have any relatives in jail? don’t think so, not close ones anyway

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car? no, I got out in time haha

98: Ever been on a plane? yes, when I went on a trip to georgia in west asia

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say? you’re all ignorant assholes haha, no idk what I would say, there are a lot of good people on this world I know, but man there is some fucked up shit, so maybe I would educate some people or it would have something to do with mental health, maybe about loving yourself or that it’s not a sign of weakness and that we should be treated as equals to physical pain, we should be taken seriously... I don’t really know, there are so many things haha

#asks #lara #games

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randomoranges · 4 years

Text

Home is Where the Heart Is

hey hi hello do you like soft canon with hurt?

the saga continues of étienne’s adventures in edmonton. had this idea since this summer. lol.

end october/beginning november 2020

Edward scans the crowd and tries to keep his nerves under control. He makes sure he isn’t too close to others, while still maintaining contact with the arrivals doors. Étienne should be arriving any moment now. In fact, his plane has landed, therefore, with every new batch of people who walk through the doors; Étienne could be one of them.

He checks his phone for what is surely the fiftieth time in the past three minutes, but he finds no new messages other than the one from his boyfriend letting him know that “the bird has landed.” Edward fixes his mask and follows a person who walks out, thinking it might be Étienne, but it’s not.

The reason he’s here started towards the beginning of the month of September. He’d been enjoying his video call with Étienne, something they did once every two days or so after he’d gone back home, when Étienne had grown quiet.

“Were you serious?” He’d asked and Edward had wondered what exactly Étienne was alluding to, “When you said I could come over whenever – were you serious?” He’d reiterated.

“Of course. Whenever you want. Hell, you could even be on the way to the airport at the moment. You could even already be in Edmonton.” He’d wondered if Étienne was concocting some trip and had dared to hope that he’d be seeing his boyfriend sooner rather than later.

He’d meant it. Étienne could surprise him on his doorstep with little to no warning and he’d be happy to have him over.

Summer had been – kind to Étienne, but not in its usual ways. It was a good thing it had been a hot summer, at least Étienne had been able to enjoy the outdoors, but – Edward had seen the toll of the pandemic on his boyfriend’s face. Had seen the dark circles that had made a comeback and had listened to the change in Étienne’s song from determined and hopeful to pessimistic and downtrodden.

And of course, now things seemed to be getting worse again.

Étienne was at wits ends.

Étienne is at wits ends.

“I don’t know what to do anymore, Ed,” He’d said. “Every time I go out – there’s a new place that’s closed down. How are the others going to make it? What’s going to be left of the city once this is all over? What’s going to be left of me? It’s like no one cares! Everything we did for naught! And then there’s those who say it’s a joke or a hoax. Yet I can’t even have my fucking sister over anymore – again. I can’t. I go grocery shopping and I fucking panic thinking maybe I’m going to infect someone, because what if it’s on me and I just don’t know because I can’t even fucking die properly.”

He looked manic. Wild and scared and desperate.

Edward had been – worried.

Edward always worried. He always worries. He still worries. He worried by nature, but – he worried for Étienne in a different way.

He knows of Étienne’s troubles – knows how his mood dips and changes and peeks and crests and falls straight through and he knows how personally he takes every single problem that afflicts the city, as though he’s responsible for the decision of millions.

Edward had feared this – had feared that Étienne would spiral back out to how he’d been in April, but now he thinks he’d prefer the manic busy version of Étienne to this more lethargic and angry one.

Edward had tried to be reassuring. Said that he’d be fine – he’d managed. It would be tough, yes, but – Étienne was like a phoenix, somehow found ways to rise again from the ashes. He’d reinvent himself if he needed to, but – Étienne hadn’t been so sure, still felt as though he hadn’t fully recovered from the original reinvention.

Edward had fallen quiet to that.

“D’you think I can come over again? For a bit. Maybe through to the New Year – I don’t know. I just – the weather’s gonna change for the worst again and – I don’t – I know how I am – in the winter – on a good year. I don’t think – I don’t trust myself going through winter alone during a pandemic.” He’d looked away from the screen after that admission. Had chewed on his bottom lip and had fisted his hands into Mercury’s fur.

Edward’s heart had broken hearing those words. He’d wished he could find a way to enter Étienne’s head and right it once and for all. Fix whatever it was that made him feel this way day in and day out. No one deserved this, least of all Étienne.

He consoled himself with the fact that Étienne was reaching out – that he was asking for help – that he wasn’t shutting himself further into his dark mood and dealing with it “on his own.” He’d seen how that ended up far too many times to want to live through it again.

“Of course – like I said, you can come here whenever you want. I want you here.” Edward felt it was best to repeat these words as often as he could, in the hopes that Étienne would stop second-guessing himself over them.

“I have work though. I have online classes, grading, and assignments to look over.” He’d said as though he was giving Edward reasons to tell him not to come and stay home in his infected hell hole.

“That’s okay. I have work as well. We’ll make a schedule and work around it. I’ll clear out a desk for you that you can use. You can have the guestroom as your own study.”

It was the logical thing to say. Whatever it was Étienne needed. It wasn’t complicated.

“Are you sure?” Étienne had finally asked.

“Of course, sweetheart. I’m always sure when it comes to you.”

It was a little sappy, but – it was all very true.

Étienne nodded at that, as if he couldn’t find the words to go with the action.

“You realise though that it’ll be cold. It gets cold here earlier than it does at yours. And I mean negative weather and snow before Halloween.”

Étienne had grimaced at that and Edward had laughed. The last thing he wanted was for Étienne to arrive in a windbreaker and then have an even worst time with the weather.

“I don’t care. Summer’s over. It’s already getting cold. I just – I need to – I need to be around people – someone. I can’t take this anymore. I can’t.”

Edward had read the panic in those green-brown eyes, had read the fear and the loneliness that threatened to swallow him whole and – Edward had needed a moment to still his own nerves. He hadn’t seen that look on Étienne’s face in far too long and it was one he’d hoped he’d never see again.

“That’s fine. When will you be arriving?”

“I don’t know – I’m still figuring out when I’ll leave. There’s still a few things I need to do here.”

“Keep me posted?” Part of him feared Étienne would do something stupid between now and then, but he consoled and reminded himself that despite everything, Étienne was in a better place now and was being treated for this. This wasn’t like before.

“Yeah. I’ll talk to you soon.”

That had been that and now here he is, summer officially done and over, waiting for Étienne to arrive. They’d spoken late last night and Edward hadn’t liked the way his boyfriend had sounded. Out of it, was one way of describing it, but – it almost felt as though – as if Étienne was giving up. As if he’d lost his last shred of hope.

He can’t let that happen.

Étienne is too important for that.

Therefore, Edward takes a deep breath, counts to ten and then twenty and finally fifty and focuses on the task at hand. With Calvin now back in Calgary as well, he figures this will give him a proper chance to do some real damage control on Étienne.

Despite everything, he still smiles and feels extremely excited when he finally spots both Étienne and Mercury making their way towards him. He sees Étienne pause and give a careful look around, but even with the masks, he can still tell that Étienne smiles when he sees him as well.

Étienne picks up his pace and walks over to him and Edward meets him half way, opening his arms up so that Étienne can step into them.

“Hi you,” He says and holds Étienne close to him. Étienne looks a little worse for wear, but if anything, his visit in April had prepared Edward for this and so the shock isn’t as big, even if the pang in his heart is just the same. He feels Mercury excitedly jump up on his leg and he marvels at how big she’s gotten since she’d last been here. He’ll greet her properly in a bit, but for now he holds onto Étienne and presses a masked kiss to the side of his face.

“Eddy,” Étienne breathes into the crook of his neck and it feels as though Étienne’s just discharged some of the weight he’d been carrying on his shoulders since he’d gone back home. As if now that he’s here, he can let go a bit and give the reigns over to Edward to help him look after himself.

It takes Edward a moment to realise that Étienne is shaking in his arms and he holds him closer still and rubs his back. “It’s okay, sweetheart, I’ve got you.” He holds him for a moment longer, holds him until Étienne stops shaking and gets a hold of himself, holds him until Étienne straightens himself out and steps out of the embrace.

“Missed you,” Étienne says as he picks the handle of his suitcase. Edward takes the moment to greet Mercury and she seems quite happy to see him as well. She still has growing to do, but she’s no longer the tiny puppy that had made the first trip out west at the start of spring.

“Missed you more. Ready to go home?”

Étienne nods and Edward laces their hands together as they make their way towards the truck.

It’s a mostly silent walk and Étienne makes one comment about the weather, which makes Edward laugh. Étienne already looks like he’s dressed for winter and by the looks of the two suitcases he brought along, his entire winter wardrobe seems to be here with him as well.

Edward takes the long walk to the truck, if only to give Mercury a chance to stretch her legs. They take off their masks after realising that they’d both kept them on out of habit and once they’re at the truck, Edward pulls Étienne for a much sought after kiss.

“Missed you,” Edward reiterates as he caresses the sides of Étienne’s face. His boyfriend offers him a kind, if tired smile and Edward still thinks he’s one of the most beautiful people he’s ever met.

“Missed you more,” Étienne parrots back, before he hugs him again. “Thanks again for – everything.”

Edward gives his hand a squeeze and then opens the door for him.

There’s hand-sanitizer in the truck they both use and Edward tries to keep the conversation going as he drives back home, but Étienne ends up falling asleep once more halfway through. He lets him, knowing Étienne never seems to get around the right amount of sleep and he lets Élyse know he’ll take good care of Étienne once they’re home.

Mercury trots off to re-explore his house and so Edward helps Étienne with his luggage, helps him to the door and helps undress him afterwards, unpeeling each layer as they make their way towards Edward’s bedroom and they reacquaint themselves with one another with kisses and touches that make Étienne feel just a little bit more alive. It’s heady and messy and needy, but the end result is the same and Edward holds Étienne close as he cards his fingers through his hair with one hand, and traces lazy patterns on his arm with the other.

Étienne seems a little more peaceful as he snuggles close and presses the occasional kiss to Edward’s chest. It’s as if – he feels safe here, in Edward’s arms and Edward hopes and wishes that he can always provide this solace for him.

“Your hair’s gotten long,” He remarks as he holds up a perfect curl. He twines it around his finger before releasing it and watches with wonder as it springs back to its original form. Étienne’s hair had already been getting long during his last visit, but now that he could see his hair in person, Edward could really tell. It keeps flirting with Étienne’s shoulder and Edward thinks it’s a good look on him.

“Yeah... never got around to booking a haircut when they reopened and then I kinda – I kinda like it actually. Thought I’d let it grow some and see what it looks like....” He’s careful with his answer, Edward can tell from the way he looks at him and then away. Étienne tucks a strand behind his ear out of reflex and Edward smiles softly.

“It looks good. It suits you.”

It really does. In all the years Edward has known him, he’s never seen Étienne with super long hair. Étienne had even been – sensitive about it and after Edward had found out why, he understood. This is a nice change, despite the reason behind it, and Edward hopes it means that if anything, Étienne is slowly making peace with that.

“Yeah, you think so?”

Edward nods. “Yeah, I really like it.”

Étienne grins, a little quiet thing as he resettles against him, “I haven’t had it super long in – over forty years. Forgot how good it looked,” He says, normal like anything and Edward silently thrills.

“It looks very good. I’m all for you experimenting with it and letting it grow.”

Étienne offers him a smile for his compliment and Edward stores it for the days where it’ll be hard to get a smile out of his boyfriend. He’d like to think there won’t be any, but with the way things are going and with winter coming up, he knows better.

“Hey, I have a surprise for you,” He says instead before they can get too comfortable. Étienne gives him a curious look and protests when Edward jostles him so that he can get out of bed and put his boxers back on. “Come on, you’ll like this.”

“Preferred the view I had moments before.” Étienne says as he slowly makes a grab for his own clothes and underwear. Edward rolls his eyes, fond, amused, and ever so endeared, and then walks his boyfriend to the guestroom.

“Jeez, Édouard, if you were already done with me, you could’ve just said and I woulda made my own exile back to the guestroom.” Étienne teases as Edward pushes the door to the guestroom until it’s fully open.

“Humour me, Curly,” Edward says and leads him further into the room. “I set everything up for you; desk, chair, light. I cleared it off so you can put your laptop on it. I moved the printer here, in case you have things to print – and, this,” He moves to the side and that’s when Étienne notices the very large and suddenly very noticeable wooden easel that had not been previously there this past spring, “Is a little something I thought you would appreciate.”

Étienne blinks and blinks again. There’s an easel – a beautiful wooden thing that he’d never ever seen before just standing there as if waiting to be used. He walks up to it, as if in a trance and dares to touch it to make sure it’s real.

“I know you like to make your own canvases and stretchers, so if you need any materials or whatever, I’ll drive you to the store.”

Étienne turns back to Edward, walks back to him and lunges into his awaiting arms, as if his boyfriend had been expecting such a reaction.

“You didn’t have to,” Étienne says as he fights back the tears that threaten to fall. It’s all too much. He doesn’t deserve all of this – doesn’t deserve Edward’s kindness and yet Edward still offers it to him as though it’s the most natural thing in the world.

“I wanted to.” Edward tells him and figures he can let him know he’d made it himself later, before Étienne has an apoplexy over it. “I want you to feel comfortable here. You’re not just a passing houseguest – you’re my boyfriend. This is the very least I can do for you.”

Étienne pulls him in for a kiss before Edward can say anything else that might make his heart jump out of his ribcage. “I love you,” He blurts out when they pull away for air. It’s the least he can do and say and he knows Edward likes hearing it. (He does too, really, but right now if Edward tells him he might just cry over everything.) (He’s still getting used to this – to having someone show him love and kindness so openly.) (There are still days when he wonders if this isn’t all some massive fever drug induced dream.) (He’s honestly glad it isn’t.)

“My dearest Étienne, I love you too, never doubt it,” Edward tells him, cups his face in his nice warm hands, and offers him the kindest of smiles. Looks at him as though he’s something precious and worthwhile and there’s something inside of Étienne – some old shriveled thing that lives where his heart once was that dares to beat again.

And Edward holds Étienne close, holds him again and then gently leads him back towards his bedroom so that they can lie together. He lets Étienne slowly come apart in his arms, rubs his back and twines their legs together and makes the silent promise that he’ll watch over Étienne and do his best so that Étienne doesn’t fall off the deep end again. He hopes and dares that despite everything, that winter will be kind to the both of them, but Edward knows that if anything, at least, they’ll be together.

FIN

#pc: montreal #pc: edmonton #mercury the dog #projocanondoko #fic

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humanemotionssuck · 3 years

Text

Hello 2021

January 2, 2021

I should’ve put these thoughts into words on the first day of the year but then again, I felt so lazy given this bed weather we are currently having. By far, I think I experienced the coldest temperature here in my hometown (21 degrees baby) and I’m sure not liking it as I prefer warm days.

I actually do not know how to start. I feel it’s necessary to check on how I am doing lately. Write the things I experienced last year and reflect on the lessons it taught me.

I could probably kick things off by remembering how 2020 started for me. I have a bad memory but I’ll try my best to recall them.

January

Broke up with J (yes this is probably one of the major and heartbreaking events happened to me). To sum it up, I realized that the relationship does not have growth anymore, and I am slowly drifting to follow my own path, which is to focus on the plans I want. I haven’t thought deeply the lessons I learned in my past relationship yet but one thing is for sure, I changed and I want to explore more of what I can do or what I’m missing out in life. Which brings me to attend seminars on how to work/study abroad. I attended a couple (e.g Fortrust Makati) and I also realized how costly it will be and I’m probably not yet ready esp. on the financial aspect.

February – March

Highlight on these months was I got back to dating apps again. I know it was a complete dick move. I haven’t moved on yet and here I am in the pool again. I met 2 guys from this app, Coffee Meets Bagel (which btw I uninstalled few months after). The first guy was the introvert but funny type and also VERY sexual. I got along with it, tried to do the deed but failed cause the guy hasn’t moved on from the ex yet. (Sucks right). And so I met this second guy and he is decent but we really had completely different personality. I believe this guy is also rich (he came from a Chinese family and I went to his house and saw the maid and his stuff). Can you also believe he already introduced me to his mom (no dad cause broken family), uncle and grandma. Pressured si ate gurl syempre cause it was really too early to do that step since we’re just dating but March was the most difficult month because…

START OF LOCKDOWN. PH was in state of panic after the government announced a nationwide lockdown due to increased COVID-19 transmission. I immediately went on a bus to the province fearing to get stuck in Manila.

April

Nah this was just a typical month. Summer vibes all over but since we cannot go to the beach we just setup an inflatable pool in the house to get soaked. I finally posted a pic wearing a swimsuit again. My stagnant IG feed came to life lmao

May

Oh boy. This month sucks so much. I got typhoid fever. Which I thought was COVID already cause my fever just won’t stop. My mom didn’t want me to get admitted in the hospital in the fear of being infected so I was hooked in the IV here in the house. I felt I was dying. I was in huge pain both physically and mentally. Which forced me to end any communication means with the second guy. He was not there when I was sick. I didn’t feel his concern even if we’re miles apart and I felt I was begging for his attention. It just won’t work. He blocked me in his socials (which is a first for me, usually I am the one who blocks lol) but given the current state I have now, I learned to accept it and chose to move forward.

June

Explored options on work/study program abroad. We got a new car (Xpander) which my father was able to purchase after borrowing money from us. That money could’ve been used for my Japan trip on December (plot twist it was cancelled due to fucking corona) but it’s okay I guess I’ll save another again.

I also got my student permit (yes I learned how to drive months after hehe)

July

THIS WAS MY BIGGEST DOWNFALL FOR THIS YEAR. There were some modifications in the quarantine and so my employer required and FORCED us to report on site in Makati despite of high number of positive cases. All I can say is SCREW THEM and I hope karma will do its thing on their business. The management.. the bosses.. they are all inconsiderate fucks for not allowing me to work at home instead. The situation forced me to resign but they chose to terminate me instead. The unemployment took its toll on my mental health, it caused me great depression and anxiety which forced me to look for distractions.. anything that will ease my mind.

Oh and btw, I bought my first laptop from hard earned money. Oh boy, it was satisfying to give myself the things my parents couldn’t afford that time I was still in school. It’s a gaming laptop and the one I’m using to type now. I absolutely love it and I used it to find online jobs later on..

I read Looking for Alaska by John Green again after watching the TV series on Hulu. Geez, this has to be my favorite book so far. The seeking of great perhaps.. which was very timely on my mood while having nothing else to do.

Lastly, TAYLOR SWIFT RELEASED A NEW ALBUM CALLED FOLKLORE. In the middle pandemic? Awesome right and this album kept me sane during this crazy and miserable month. Oh and on December, she released folklore’s sister album.. Evermore. Miss Swift saved me again with her music. This will definitely be one of the albums I will play when I’m old and gray knitting sweaters and wearing cardigan.

August

I started and finished my driving lesson in manual. JFC, I realized driving gives me a huge anxiety. One thing is for sure, I will prefer to drive automatic. Not driving that shit again.

I was still hooked with Looking for Alaska. Also purchased Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck on the time I bought LFA.

On the other hand, I was also actively looking for new jobs this time.

September

ON SEPT. 30 I GOT HIRED! I was super happy to start on a new job. It gave me hope once again to continue on this journey called life. After almost 3 months, we are def back to business!

I also got the chance to get this Thyroid issue checked. Unfortunately, there was no major stuff going on with my thyroid. Basically, I’m perfectly healthy. What sucks is that the doctor invalidated my previous condition and said I only have ~anxiety which is the cause of my symptoms (excessive sweating and palpitations). I will seek professional help on this anxiety stuff anytime in the future.

Lastly, I played Grand Chase again and met someone in the game. Well technically we haven’t met yet but since then, I got used to talking with this guy and he is part of my daily routine now. I won’t spoil much details but as soon as this is all over, I can’t wait to meet this person :)

*cue Grand Chase soundtrack*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoK0bAjsHoo

October

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEE! It was a typical birthday. I don’t have much realizations. If I had one, I need to think thoroughly again lol.

Busy with training on the new job and this has been the most challenging training I ever had since I started working.

NOVEMBER

WORK WORK WORK. Super stressed and my anxiety was on the roof. I thought of giving up already but then again it was too early to quit. I haven’t seen my full potential on this job yet and so I chose to keep on fighting.

I also finally got braces. Let’s get these smiles fixed.

December

WORK WORK WORK AGAIN. My work caused me a huge anxiety cause I was given high priority cases -.-But overall, I can say the holidays went great. I finally got to spend time with the family outside. Don’t worry cause we still practiced precautions and I guess it wouldn’t hurt to go out once in a while to have some fresh air. We went to the beach and pretty much that’s the highlight of this month.

Things are getting serious with this guy I’m talking about.. Seriously, he makes me happy every single day.

I also won in Christmas raffle. Oppo phone. (I have the odds in my favor when it comes to raffles lol)

Feels weird to celebrate this holiday too thinking a lot of hardships were experienced in the last few months of quarantine. I was thinking about all the lives lost by covid and hoping they are in the peaceful place now..

JANUARY (NOW)

After everything that happened, oddly the start of the year gives me a sense of hope. Sure I am still carrying the trauma 2020 gave me but I am slowly leaving all of them behind. I want a fresh start and I want to let go of the things that gave me pain. I don’t have solid resolutions just like in my teenage years. Guess I’m too old for that. Not saying it’s okay to not have plans for the future and just go with the flow but I promise to not be too hard on myself and to not pressure myself on the goals I haven’t achieved yet. It’s really a struggle to plan things ahead given the situation but as always, I will do my best. I will stop comparing my progress to somebody else’s cause everyone has their own timeline.

I will listen to my heart and my mind to determine the things I really want. I promise to reevaluate the decisions I am making each day. I will not be afraid of making mistakes because that’s how I learn.

I am embracing my anxiety of uncertainty. It’s okay to feel afraid because I am always trying on how to overcome my fear. I strive each day because I am more than just a ball of anxiety. The palpitations.. the sweating.. they don’t define me. I have the power to control them and they won’t stop me from being the better version of myself.

#quaranthings #just quarantine thoughts #2020 #bye2020 #new year

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borealserendipity · 4 years

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Catching up with you

Hi guys, I hope you are all safe and healthy. It has been one hell of a year so far. A lot happened but I would like to keep this blog focused on something light and happy. I haven’t posted since it all went to hell and thought it might be a good idea to do like a recap of the year’s happy and cosy moments so far to cheer us up!

February

When everything was still kind of fine and we went on a Valentine’s coffee date.

And installed a shelf for my books in our bedroom. Shelf that is now too full for all the books I bought since... (Not even sorry. 🤷‍♀️)

Then, my best friend came to visit us for his birthday and I made him discover one of my favorites places in town: Naturhistoriska Museum, of course.

March

The last time I went to town (well, until my birthday in May) for my sambo’s brother’s wedding.

Then, things got very real and worrying here and I decided to self-quarantine. So I was very happy when Animal Crossing New Horizons finally got released.

The sambo and I have been playing it together and I met all my friends online, it really helped with the whole self-quarantine situation for 2 months.

May

For my birthday, I went to town to buy myself some books and was very nervous about it. But everything went well and I headed back home as soon as I could. Reading in a cafe will wait until people become a bit more responsible, here. (By the way, I cannot recommend Ninth House enough. It was amazing.)

June

We started to go out a little bit again. We went to my sambo’s parents’ summer house and explored the wilderness around it. It felt good to be out in the nature again.

We kept to ourselves and were still very paranoid whenever we ran into people, but it all went well in the end.

July

We took daytrips around Göteborg with our best friends and got to enjoy the sunny and (very, very) warm weather for a bit.

August

The insufferable heat finally went away and we are now enjoying a few rainy and chilly days. In June, I discovered I could loan ebooks from my library and got into reading a lot more, since. So my mother gifted me an ereader and I am in love with it. (The app is called Overdrive, you just need a library card number to start loaning ebooks. Or if you own a Kobo ereader, Overdrive is already installed and you can loan books directly on it. It literally changed my life. And yes, since I read Ninth House, I got obsessed with Leigh Bardugo’s books.)

That’s about it. These past few months weren’t very eventful and I can’t believe August is already almost over. Although don’t get me wrong, I am SO ready for fall and sweater weather (and Halloween of course). All I have been doing lately is pretty much: work, work, read a lot, work, play some video games, work, read. Being a stay-at-home person and an introvert, I quite like it!

I hope you enjoyed this post, I had to type it from the app since the website seems to have trouble loading on my computer so if the layout looks a bit weird, that is why. I hope it will get fixed soon so I can write some more over here soon.

Take care of yourselves and vi ses!

#lifeinsweden #expatlife #lifeabroad #sweden #sverige #gothenburg

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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851

How have you been feeling lately? Have you been doing ok? Uncomfortable because of period cramps and the heat WHICH IS STILL HERE, even though it’s supposed to be gone right about now and it’s supposed to be raining at this point. I wish I was kidding saying this but we literally have three electric fans turned on just for the living and dining rooms. It’s crazy and stupid and it shouldn’t be this hot anymore. I’m doing better mentally and emotionally, so at least that balances things out lol.

Are you currently in quarantine? Still am. While all countries are slowly going back to normal, our Covid cases continue to get higher and higher everyday because our government hasn’t done anything except to make us stay home for three months. No mass testing, no alternate public transport plans, and for some reason Duterte keeps borrowing billions of dollars’ worth of loans from the World Bank nearly every week, and we have no idea where the stupid fucking money goes. Our government is convinced they’ve been doing everything right so they’ve loosened up quarantine protocols, so with malls and restaurants being open again we’ve done nothing but reach record high cases almost every day.

Do you wear a mask when you go to the store? I’ve gone outside a total of three times since March and I wore a mask for two of those times. The first time I went out I just genuinely forgot to bring a mask, but in the end it was fine because I only had to stay in the car.

Does your state require people to wear masks in stores? As far as I know it’s not a requirement per se, but fortunately everyone follows the safety precautions anyway.

Do you know anyone who’s had the coronavirus? Yeah, my mom’s former boss. This is a bit of a stretch but I also know someone personally who had immediate family members that tested positive.

What was the last sweet treat you ate? I had a peanut butter doughnut from J.CO! Soooooooo good.

Was it a nice day out today? No, it’s too hot. Even if life was normal rn I’d prefer to be indoors with air conditioning, like a mall.

Is the weather nice where you live usually? Fuck no. It is disgustingly hot, sticky, and humid 3/4 of the year.

What was the last thing you ordered online? I don’t do a lot of online shopping. When I get something online it’s usually to get food delivered, and the last time I did that it was me and Andrew getting Hong Kong noodles.

Are you expecting a package right now? Nopes.

Have you ever ordered anything from Wish? If so, what did you buy, and did you feel it was worth it? No, though I remember Good Mythical Morning featuring it in a couple of episodes. I don’t feel comfortable buying from stores or sellers that sell things for a lot cheaper because they could always be fake, so I wouldn’t feel comfortable buying from that site.

Are you a youtuber? If so, are you consistent with uploads? and how many subscribers do you have? I’m not, but I do have my own channel. I just use it to like videos and subscribe to my favorites, though.

What is one thing you hate about summer? The weather. Honest to goodness I’d really rather live somewhere that gave me -40C weather everyday.

Did you go outside today? No. My dad wanted to bring Cooper to my grandma’s place and I planned to come along, but at the last minute he changed his mind and did just the errands he was supposed to do.

What is the name of your youtube channel, if you have one? It’s just my full name because my YouTube is linked to my Google account.

What was the name of the last store or restaurant that overcharged you? I don’t know any instances where that would happen. I don’t find service charge inconvenient because I know that directly goes to the servers anyway so I don’t mind how high it gets most of the time. Is your room more often messy or clean? It’s clean most of the time but sometimes when I’m busy I won’t be able to keep it clean and it’ll be clean-messy? Like I’ll leave stuff around but I’ll still know where everything is lol.

Who is someone you miss? ALL MY FRIENDS BRUH

What is something you miss? Being able to go out and freely do activities. Life Pre-COVID < Life pre-COVID, perfectly put. I miss getting an allowance, being out until midnight, having dates with my girlfriend thhe most.

Do you feel like your emotions are often haywire? Not necessarily, but they can get pretty unstable sometimes.

Have you ever received a misdiagnosis from a doctor? Nah but I’ve been given a prescription that didn’t work. We went to our family doctor who made me take a certain medicine for three days, and I started getting worried when three days had passed and I still had my fever. I went to Angela’s mom and she was super quick to tell me that that medicine wasn’t the right one to take for a UTI and prescribed me with something else; and that second one ended up working like magic.

Have you ever been “diagnosed” with a mental illness from an online friend? who is not a doctor? If yes, isn’t that frustrating? That’s never happened before, but if it did I wouldn’t let my frustration get the best of me. I’d just tell them that they should avoid doing that if they’re not a professional because they could very much end up seriously harming people.

Do you have any friends that you can trust and tell everything to? All of them.

What was the name of your favorite roommate you’ve had? Kimi :)

Do you have a favorite book that you’ve read multiple times? Yeah when I was a kid I would reread this book that an aunt had given me for Christmas as much as I could. For many years I forgot the title but after painstakingly Googling the few keywords I could remember I finally found out it again – it’s a series called Three Girls in the City by Jeanne Betancourt, but I only ever read the first book because it was the only gift I got. It’s not my favorite book, but I’d be so happy if I got to be reunited with it again because I don’t think we got to keep it around when we moved houses.

What’s one book or book series that you’ve read multiple times? ^ That, multiple wrestling memoirs, and Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami. I’ve also reread the Twilight Saga once.

What was the name of the funniest kid you’ve ever babysat? I never babysat anyone other than younger relatives, but the one I enjoyed taking care of the most was my cousin Lucas. He was the smartest kid I babysat so it was fun talking to him, plus his yaya was always nice to me, they had a playground and sandbox at home, and all I had to do was keep him company while he watched Thomas and Friends over and over.

Do you enjoy babysitting? Just the younger relatives that were smarter and more behaved. I didn’t like the kids who thought kicking and being rowdy were fun.

Do you have any big regrets? One big one.

Are there things about your past that bother you? Of course. My entire childhood is one.

What was the last thing you saw or read on social media that made you angry? OMG get ready for this one. Our dumb as a rock presidential spokesperson was talking about how happy he is that the country beat UP’s (my school, which the government hates because we always talk shit about them lol) prediction of 40,000 Covid cases by the end of June if the government doesn’t do anything to prevent more cases. How many cases do we have? Fucking 36,000. Our government is happy because they finally beat our school over something for the very first time and they are technically happy that we got 36,000 cases, which if you round up will give you 40,000 anyway. My school had a fucking FIELD DAY over it and now he is a national meme.

Do you often post about controversial topics on facebook? At first I didn’t but that’s because I wasn’t active on Facebook in the past anyway. After I realized that I had a bigger friends list on Facebook I decided to put it to good use and post about controversial topics to educate others. It’s made a bunch of conservative family members uncomfortable and that’s the goal, son.

Do you think it’s a good idea to post about serious topics on social media? or do you think that it’s better to discuss serious topics in person? It definitely is. In person is good too but you don’t always get that opportunity, so sharing stuff through social media doesn’t hurt too as long as information is accurate. For instance most of my relatives life far from me, so if I want them to get a piece of my mind about Trump or BLM or abortion, sharing informative graphics and tables is always convenient.

What was your favorite book you had to read for school? Without Seeing the Dawn by Stevan Javellana is my absolute favorite. It’s probably the closest thing to being my favorite book. Number the Stars by Lois Lowry is a good runner-up. On the other hand, Dekada ‘70 by Lualhati Bautista is my favorite that was written in Filipino.

Have you ever failed a class and had to repeat it? Nope. I really believe I was meant to fail algebra in my freshman year in high school because I failed every exam, but I think my teacher just took pity on me and gave me a barely-passing mark at the end of the year so that I didn’t have to go to summer school. As for college, I’ve never failed a class.

What class in school did you hate the most? In college I hated my economics elective. I still don’t know why that’s mandatory for us journ students... I also dreaded a couple of journalism classes, but it was more because of the teachers than the classes’ topics.

Have you ever wanted to be a teacher? I don’t think so.

What’s one childhood dream that has stuck with you, and one that has not? Having a big house; becoming a firefighter.

Would you want to re-live your childhood over again if you could? I’ve already said it on this survey, but: fuck no. I’m ok where I am now, even if I am a clumsy adult.

Which do you like more: being an adult or being a kid? Being an adult. Being a kid meant having to stomach the smell of hard alcohol and cigarettes from morning to evening everyday; being caught in the middle of screaming matches between drunk relatives; and being cramped in a single-floor home with 12 people. Like I said, I love where I am now. The amount of independence I gained in college was freeing and felt so nice and I’m glad my parents never tried holding me back. I’m also glad that I didn’t fall into the same alcohol trap, and that I know how to deal with my alcohol responsibly.

At what age were you when you started to feel like you were mature enough to offer others advice? Around college-age, so like when I turned 18.

Did your parents smoke or drink when you were growing up? Neither of them did, because we had enough alcoholism happening at my old home. It was actually my drunken relatives that finally drove my mom out of that house.

Do you enjoy bonfires? I’ve only been to one and I was like 9 years old then, so I wouldn’t know how I feel about them now.

Have you ever stepped on a sparkler? Nope.

What, do you know of, are you allergic to? No allergies.

Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Also nopes. I always feel bad for the ambulances that I see because I live in a very traffic-heavy city and they always end up getting stuck and crawling through traffic like the rest of us. We do try to swerve, but our roads are so tiny and always cramped that there’s little space left for us to move out of the ambulance’s way, so even though we’re able to make a path for it, the space is not big enough for the ambulance to drive in the speed it’s supposed to.

What is your favorite version of the Bible to read, if applicable? That’s a big no thanks from me.

Do you follow trends? or are you a trendsetter? Yeah, I follow some of them if I think they are nice.

Has anyone ever described you as a trendsetter? Nope, because I am not.

Do you know anyone who used to be loving, but then turned cold? List three people you’ve known whom this has happened to. My mom, Athenna, Macy. The only person I don’t resent out of these three is Macy, because I know she turned distant due to mental health issues and because she wants to fix herself first, which is responsible.

What SAT subjects, if any, did you get a perfect score in? We don’t have SAT.

What were your best subjects in school? and what was your favorite subject in school? I loved taking history electives in college, and I performed the best in them too. I also did well in international relations, which was under the political science department.

Have you ever been abused by a parent or legal guardian? I’ve been verbally and emotionally abused by my mom ever since I can remember.

Do you have a lot of wounds from your past? If we’re getting visual then I’d rather say that I have one ugly, infected gash that gets bothersome from time to time. My past isn’t made up of little tiny scattered wounds.

Has anyone ever called you a jerk? Behind my back, probably.

Are you a jerk? I can be, so I don’t mind being called it. I never said I was the nicest person.

What color were your bedroom walls in high school? They have always been white. My mom doesn’t let us have control over our own rooms, so in the beginning it’s always been plain boring white. Don’t get me wrong, I like my room but sometimes it just feels like living in a cell.

Is there a girl or guy you wish you hadn’t let slip away? I wish I was still close with my high school friends, and I remember saying how they were for keeps in my old surveys so that makes me extra sad haha. I’m civil with most of them, but no longer close. And I only ever talk to them if it’s their birthdays or if they achieved something big. The only people I’ve remained close with from that original group are Angela and Hans.

Is there an old friend that you miss and would like to reconnect with? Not really. Sofie and I have grown apart from each other now and we’re both very happy, so there’s no need to change that. I’m okay with seeing her once or twice a year.

Who has hurt you the most? My mom.

Have you been bullied? Yeah in kindergarten. Long-lasting effects though.

Which talent show, if any, would you most like to audition for? and have you auditioned for one? No thanks. I don’t have the kind of talent that I can show off, like singing or playing an instrument.

Do you know anyone who’s auditioned for American Idol? I don’t think so. But my mom knows someone who auditioned for our local version of America’s Got Talent. He’s a ventriloquist that my mom used to get for our parties. As far as I know he got into the grand finals, but I’m not sure if he won.

Is there someone you think should audition that hasn’t yet? American Idol’s been over for a while now.

What time of day do you usually feel your best? I love the evenings.

What’s one way in which you’ve changed within the last ten years? I was in sixth grade then, I’ve graduated from college now. My mom was purely verbally abusive to me then, now we have brief stints of having an actually healthy relationship. I had one dog then and I have two dogs now; I had no friends then and I have tons of them now. There’s been a lot of tiny changes but nothing that were life-changing.

Do you feel like time goes by fast, or slow? It goes both ways depending on how stimulated I am or how much fun I’m having.

Who do you know who has died of cancer? One of my great-aunts.

Has there been cancer in your family? Yeah, ^ that. Other than her I’m not sure if we’ve had other cases. My family tends to be hush-hush about cancer and only ever call it ‘c’ or ‘the big one.’

Have you ever stayed overnight in a hospital, and if so, what for? Yes, once for a low platelet count.

Have you ever been a victim of police misconduct? No but the cops here are just as corrupt as the ones in the US, so I can very much be a victim any time. It’s just a matter of being in the wrong place at the right time.

Have you ever been so angry you wanted to sue someone? Not so much that I wanted to sue someone, no.

Have you ever been a victim of racism? My country isn’t diverse at all and we’re all Filipinos here, and I’ve only ever traveled to Asian countries, so no. But racism is a big reason why I have no plans to go to other countries known for it.

Have you ever deleted a friend on Facebook for making racist comments? I’ve unfriended those who were being little bitches about BLM and George Floyd’s death, so I guess that kinda counts as being racist. I still have a few racist Facebook friends that I keep around, but that’s because they’re family members.

What was the last thing you ate? Binagoongan.

What was the theme of your senior prom? Clair de Lune, so like the moon and shit.

Did you go to prom? It was mandatory, so I had to go even though I really had no interest.

Have ever been engaged or married? I have been neither.

Are you an aunt or uncle? Nah but I’m a godmother to one of my cousins.

Do you live to glorify God and to do His will? LOL no

Are you happy with the way you are living your life day-to-day right now? It could be better and more filled with activity. But I’m not miserably depressed right now and that’s more than enough for me.

Do you feel like your life was better or worse six years ago? It was slightly better. I feel like 2014 was my best year.

Have you ever made a huge, catastrophic mistake? Not anything that ruined my life or someone else’s, no.

Do you feel like you are currently in a state of suffering? and that not all of your basic needs are being met? If so, how long have you been in a state of suffering? Basic needs?? So you mean poverty? No.

Do you hate social injustice? Absolutely. Anyone who tolerates it is automatically a gigantic prick, I’d say.

Are you happy with the current social class you are in? No. I don’t know how it translates to English, but in Filipino we have this term called naghaharing-uri that comprises the very very very very tiny top of the social pyramid and it’s made up of top government officials and their families, heads of corporations, old money families, etc. It’s no secret that it’s this 1% that exploits the 99% remaining in the pyramid, so even though I’m relatively comfortable in my class, I hate that, when it comes down to it, we’re only being used by this 1% for their own benefit.

Life isn’t fair. True or false? True.

Do you hate that life is so unfair? Sometimes, if it’s for stuff about social injustice and how some people have to be homeless, why homophobia exists, etc. But if it’s for tiny problems, I feel like they’re necessary sometimes so we can learn from them.

Name a few people who seem to have everything handed to them. Some richer kids that I know.

Who do you go to when you’re upset? Sometimes myself, sometimes Gabie.

Do you pray less or more than you did 5 years ago? A LOT LESS, thank fuck I got out of that trap.

Do you pray a lot? Definitely not.

Do you frequently have back pain? Yeah, haha. Kinda expected considering I have scoliosis.

What’s the worst side effect you’ve experienced for a medication? and what’s the worst withdrawal effect you’ve experienced from a medicine? Nothing worse than diarrhea. I’ve never experienced withdrawal.

Have you ever used an epi pen? Nopes.

What’s a name that you like but probably wouldn’t use for one of your kids? Isabella because I’m already an Isabelle and my girlfriend has a sister named Isabela.

What’s your name, and do you like it? Robyn. I like it now.

Would you prefer to give your kids common names or unique names? Common, more old-school names. I just feel like they sound super elegant.

Do you feel like anybody values you in the way that you deserve? Angela, Andrew, and Gab.

Who have you felt the most valued by? ^ Them.

Have you ever been treated like you were inferior? For sure.

What was the name of the biggest bully in your high school? Oh my god this survey is so long... we didn’t have bullies in high school. We had mean girls and mean girl cliques, but as long as you weren’t involved in drama with them you’d be fine.

Do you ever sleep outside? Nah. I’d sleep at the rooftop but there are sooooo many mosquitoes at night.

How many siblings do you have? Two.

Are you the oldest, youngest, middle, or only child? Eldest.

How many kids do you want to have? One or two would be great.

Do you want to get married? Yessssssss.

Best date you’ve been on? Probably that time we went to BGC so we can feel fancy and have a fancy dinner, then when we meant to walk back to our car to go home we ended up having impromptu drinks at like 11 PM when we randomly found a jazz bar loudly playing live music in the area. OH and that time we went museum hopping in Manila and we ended the day having delicioussss Italian food.

Dream date? Traveling out of the country.

Ever kissed someone on New Year’s? Nah. We celebrate New Year’s with our respective families so there’s no chance of that happening. Which is fine, because New Year’s is traditionally a family-centric holiday here so it would be weird for anyone to ditch their families.

Have you ever had an experience so good you felt like you were flying? Sure.

Have you ever been in so much pain you prayed that you would die? YES, with my toothache last year.

What brings you the most joy? My dogs.

What is your passion; what is it that would bring you the most joy and fulfillment in life? I’m at a point where it still keeps changing, so I don’t wanna give an absolute answer to this just yet.

Have you ever laid your dreams aside because someone else wanted you to? That’s never happened to me. I only ever gave up on one dream because it realistically wasn’t attainable, when it came down to it.

Who supports you in everything you do? My two best friends.

Who always tries to stop you whenever you try to go after your dreams? I haven’t had anyone bar me, but if someone tried to they would definitely hear from me.

Do you believe in following your heart, in going after your dreams? Not always.

Do you wish other people would want you to be happy? Of course.

Do you wish you had someone who loved and supported you? I already do.

#survey #surveys #fuck me this was long

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inkyardpress · 5 years

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Excerpt: Don’t Read the Comments by Eric Smith + Giveaway!

Divya

“Mom. We’ve been over this. Don’t read the comments,” I say, sighing as my mother stares at me with her fretful deep-set eyes. They’re dark green, just like mine, and stand out against her soft brown skin. Wrinkle lines trail out from the corners like thin tree branches, grown over a lifetime of worrying.

I wish I could wash away all of her worries, but I only seem to be causing her more lately.

“I’m just not comfortable with it anymore,” my mom counters. “I appreciate what you’re doing with…you know, your earnings or however that sponsor stuff works, but I can’t stand seeing what they’re saying about you on the internet.”

“So don’t read the comments!” I exclaim, reaching out and taking her hands in mine. Her palms are weathered, like the pages of the books she moves around at the library, and I can feel the creases in her skin as my fingers run over them. Bundles of multicolored bangles dangle from both of her wrists, clinking about lightly.

“How am I supposed to do that?” she asks, giving my hands a squeeze. “You’re my daughter. And they say such awful things. They don’t even know you. Breaks my heart.”

“What did I just say?” I ask, letting go of her hands, trying to give her my warmest it’s-going-to-be-okay smile. I know she only reads the blogs, the articles covering this and that, so she just sees the replies there, the sprawling comments—and not what people say on social media. Not what the trolls say about her. Because moms are the easiest target for those online monsters.

“Yes, yes, I’m aware of that sign in your room with your slogan regarding comments,” Mom scoffs, shaking her head and getting to her feet. She groans a little as she pushes herself off the tiny sofa, which sinks in too much. Not in the comfortable way a squishy couch might, but in a this-piece-of-furniture-needs-to-be-thrown-away-because-it’s-probably-doing-irreversible-damage-to-my-back-and-internal-organs kind of way. She stretches her back, one hand on her waist, and I make a mental note to check online for furniture sales at Target or Ikea once she heads to work.

“Oof, I must have slept on it wrong,” Mom mutters, turning to look at me. But I know better. She’s saying that for my benefit. The air mattress on her bed frame—in lieu of an actual mattress—isn’t doing her back any favors.

I’d better add a cheap mattress to my list of things to search for later. Anything is better than her sleeping on what our family used to go camping with.

Still, I force myself to nod and say, “Probably.” If Mom knew how easily I saw through this dance of ours, the way we pretend that things are okay while everything is falling apart around us, she’d only worry more.

Maybe she does know. Maybe that’s part of the dance.

I avert my gaze from hers and glance down at my watch. It’s the latest in smartwatch tech from Samsung, a beautiful little thing that connects to my phone and computer, controls the streaming box on our television… Hell, if we could afford smart lights in our apartment, it could handle those, too. It’s nearly 8:00 p.m., which means my Glitch subscribers will be tuning in for my scheduled gaming stream of Reclaim the Sun at any minute. A couple social media notifications start lighting up the edges of the little screen, but it isn’t the unread messages or the time that taunt me.

It’s the date.

The end of June is only a few days away, which means the rent is due. How can my mom stand here and talk about me getting rid of my Glitch channel when it’s bringing in just enough revenue to help cover the rent? To pay for groceries? When the products I’m sent to review or sponsored to wear—and then consequently sell—have been keeping us afloat with at least a little money to walk around with?

“I’m going to start looking for a second job,” Mom says, her tone defeated.

“Wait, what?” I look away from my watch and feel my heartbeat quicken. “But if you do that—”

“I can finish these summer classes another time. Maybe next year—”

“No. No way.” I shake my head and suck air in through my gritted teeth. She’s worked so hard for this. We’ve worked so hard for this. “You only have a few more classes!”

“I can’t let you keep doing this.” She gestures toward my room, where my computer is.

“And I can’t let you work yourself to death for… What? This tiny apartment, while that asshole doesn’t do a damn thing to—”

“Divya. Language,” she scolds, but her tone is undermined by a soft grin peeking in at the corner of her mouth. “He’s still your fath—”

“I’ll do my part,” I say resolutely, stopping her from saying that word. “I can deal with it. I want to. You will not give up going to school. If you do that, he wins. Besides, I’ve…got some gadgets I can sell this month.”

“I just… I don’t want you giving up on your dreams, so I can keep chasing mine. I’m the parent. What does all this say about me?” My mom exhales, and I catch her lip quivering just a little. Then she inhales sharply, burying whatever was about to surface, and I almost smile, as weird as that sounds. It’s just our way, you know?

Take the pain in. Bury it down deep.

“We’re a team.” I reach out and grasp her hands again, and she inhales quickly once more.

It’s in these quiet moments we have together, wrestling with these challenges, that the anger I feel—the rage over this small apartment that’s replaced our home, the overdrafts in our bank accounts, all the time I’ve given up—is replaced with something else.

With how proud I am of her, for starting over the way she has.

“I’m not sure what I did to deserve you.”

Deserve.

I feel my chest cave in a little at the word as I look again at the date on the beautiful display of this watch. I know I need to sell it. I know I do. The couch. That crappy mattress. My dwindling bank account. The upcoming bills.

The required sponsorship agreement to wear this watch in all my videos for a month, in exchange for keeping the watch, would be over in just a few days. I could easily get $500 for it on an auction site or maybe a little less at the used-electronics shop downtown. One means more money, but it also means having my address out there, which is something I avoid like the plague—though having friends like Rebekah mail the gadgets for me has proved a relatively safe way to do it. The other means less money, but the return is immediate, at least. Several of the employees there watch my stream, however, and conversations with them are often pretty awkward.

I’d hoped that maybe, just maybe, I’d get to keep this one thing. Isn’t that something I deserve? Between helping Mom with the rent while she finishes up school and pitching in for groceries and trying to put a little money aside for my own tuition in the fall at the community college… God, I’d at least earned this much, right?

The watch buzzes against my wrist, a pleasant feeling. As a text message flashes across the screen, I feel a pang of wonder and regret over how a display so small can still have a better resolution than the television in our living room.

THE GALAXY WAITS FOR NO ONE, YOU READY D1V?—COMMANDER (RE)BEKAH

I smile at the note from my producer-slash-best-friend, then look up as my mom makes her way toward the front door of our apartment, tossing a bag over her shoulder.

“I’ll be back around ten or so,” she says, sounding tired. “Just be careful, okay?”

“I always am,” I promise, walking over to give her a hug. It’s sweet, her constant reminders to be careful, to check in, especially since all I generally do while she’s gone is hang out in front of the computer. But I get it. Even the internet can be a dangerous place. The threats on social media and the emails that I get—all sent by anonymous trolls with untraceable accounts—are proof of that.

Still, as soon as the door closes, I bolt across the living room and into my small bedroom, which is basically just a bed, a tiny dresser, and my workstation. I’ve kept it simple since the move and my parents split.

The only thing that’s far from simple is my gaming rig.

When my Glitch stream hit critical mass at one hundred thousand subscribers about a year and a half ago, a gaming company was kind enough to sponsor my rig. It’s extravagant to the point of being comical, with bright neon-blue lighting pouring out the back of the system and a clear case that shows off the needless LED illumination. Like having shiny lights makes it go any faster. I never got it when dudes at my school put flashy lights on their cars, and I don’t get it any more on a computer.

But it was free, so I’m certainly not going to complain.

I shake the mouse to awaken the sleeping monster, and my widescreen LED monitor flashes to life. It’s one of those screens that bend toward the edges, the curves of the monitor bordering on sexy. I adjust my webcam, which—along with my beaten-up Ikea table that’s not even a desk—is one of the few non-sponsored things in my space. It’s an aging thing, but the resolution is still HD and flawless, so unless a free one is somehow going to drop into my lap—and it probably won’t, because you can’t show off a web camera in a digital stream or a recorded sponsored video when you’re filming with said camera—it’ll do the trick.

I navigate over to Glitch and open my streaming application. Almost immediately, Rebekah’s face pops up in a little window on the edge of my screen. I grin at the sight of her new hairstyle, her usually blonde and spiky hair now dyed a brilliant shade of blood orange, a hue as vibrant as her personality. The sides of her head are buzzed, too, and the overall effect is awesome.

Rebekah smiles and waves at me. “You ready to explore the cosmos once more?” she asks, her voice bright in my computer’s speakers. I can hear her keys clicking loudly as she types, her hands making quick work of something on the other side of the screen. I open my mouth to say something, but she jumps in before I can. “Yes, yes, I’ll be on mute once we get in, shut up.”

I laugh and glance at myself in the mirror I’ve got attached to the side of my monitor with a long metal arm—an old bike mirror that I repurposed to make sure my makeup and hair is on point in these videos. Even though the streams are all about the games, there’s nothing wrong with looking a little cute, even if it’s just for myself. I run a finger over one of my eyebrows, smoothing it out, and make a note to tweeze them just a little bit later. I’ve got my mother’s strong brows, black and rebellious. We’re frequently in battle with one another, me armed with my tweezers, my eyebrows wielding their growing-faster-than-weeds genes.

“How much time do we have?” I ask, tilting my head back and forth.

“About five minutes. And you look fine, stop it,” she grumbles. I push the mirror away, the metal arm making a squeaking noise, and I see Rebekah roll her eyes. “You could just use a compact like a normal person, you know.”

“It’s vintage,” I say, leaning in toward my computer mic. “I’m being hip.”

“You. Hip.” She chuckles. “Please save the jokes for the stream. It’s good content.”

I flash her a scowl and load up my social feeds on the desktop, my watch still illuminating with notifications. I decide to leave them unchecked on the actual device and scope them out on the computer instead, so when people are watching, they can see the watch in action. That should score me some extra goodwill with sponsors, and maybe it’ll look like I’m more popular than people think I am.

Because that’s my life. Plenty of social notifications, but zero texts or missed calls.

The feeds are surprisingly calm this evening, a bundle of people posting about how excited they are for my upcoming stream, playing Reclaim the Sun on their own, curious to see what I’m finding… Not bad. There are a few dumpster-fire comments directed at the way I look and some racist remarks by people with no avatars, cowards who won’t show their faces, but nothing out of the usual.

Ah. Lovely. Someone wants me to wear less clothing in this stream. Blocked. A link to someone promoting my upcoming appearance at New York GamesCon, nice. Retweeted. A post suggesting I wear a skimpier top, and someone agreeing. Charming. Blocked and blocked.

Why is it that the people who always leave the grossest, rudest, and occasionally sexist, racist, or religiously intolerant comments never seem to have an avatar connected to their social profiles? Hiding behind a blank profile picture? How brave. How courageous.

And never mind all the messages that I assume are supposed to be flirtatious, but are actually anything but. Real original, saying “hey” and that’s it, then spewing a bunch of foul-mouthed nonsense when they don’t get a response. Hey, anonymous bro, I’m not here to be sexualized by strangers on the Internet. It’s creepy and disgusting. Can’t I just have fun without being objectified?

“Div!” Rebekah shouts, and I jump in my seat a little.

“Yeah, hey, I’m here,” I mumble, looking around for my Bluetooth earpiece, trying to force myself into a better mood. This is why you don’t read the comments, Divya.

The earpiece is bright orange and yellow with white outlines, inscribed with the logo from the game Remember Me, a kick-ass sci-fi adventure with a lady protagonist that I adore. I don’t care if the series got canceled; I wear my earpiece to show my solidarity.

I will remember you, Nilin, you underrated heroine. You deserved better.

“You were really zoned out for a second,” Rebekah says. “Let’s go. It’s time.”

I hear her tapping a few buttons, and suddenly her little screen goes quiet, the video stream of her now bearing a circled microphone with a line through it in bright red. I can still see her, but she’s muted. She won’t appear in video on the stream, preferring to stay behind the scenes for personal reasons that belong to her.

I chuckle as she reaches off-screen and her hand comes back gripping a giant clear Starbucks cup with a huge froth of whipped cream on top, the beverage most definitely filled with pure chocolate and sugar. “Game fuel” she likes to call it.

I swivel in my chair to make sure my room’s door is closed and take a quick peek at my window. Curtain drawn—check.

We’re good to go.

For a minute, I debate breaking out my Oculus. It’s way more fun to explore the universe in Reclaim the Sun when you’re using the VR feature, but then I’d have a giant virtual reality headset covering up my face, hiding my expressions while I’m playing. And all of that, blended with the gameplay, is part of the point of this. Plus, I want to see Rebekah in her side window. Maybe I’ll plug it in later, when I’m gaming solo.

I look up at my webcam and shift around, trying to find the perfect angle for where I’m sitting, the old camera wrestling to adjust the light balance within the room. I keep my outfits on the stream simple—today I’ve got on a dark green T-shirt with a bright white Halo logo in the center, which makes my green eyes look even greener on the camera. Perfect.

I hit record.

“Hey, lovers and dreamers and streamers!” I exclaim, plastering a bright smile on my face. “It’s D1V, coming to you live from the vast universe of Reclaim the Sun. Today we’re going to be exploring the galaxy and seeing what we can find out here in the cosmos. Hopefully, as I’m out adventuring, I run into some of you! Feel free to hit me up on the Reclaim the Sun messaging network at letter ‘D,’ number ‘1,’ letter ‘V’ and join the Armada as we claim planets for our own.”

“As always, the fantastic and talented and beautiful Commander (Re)bekah is on the stream with us.”

I point at the camera. There’s an audible click, and the video stream switches to Rebekah, who gives a faux salute to the camera for just a second, and then switches back to me. Even in that quick clip, you can’t see her face. She saluted while looking down. She’s not a huge fan of the attention and prefers to stay behind the camera, even though she’s got tens of thousands of followers on her various social networks from working on this little show of ours. She mostly posts pictures of her coffee, her cat, Gipsy Danger, or books. She’s big into bookstagram, making beautifully artsy arrangements to photograph and showcase her current reads.

And no matter what game we’re playing, if there’s a customizable vehicle, she’ll name it after a book she’s really into. I’ve seen her share screenshots with authors on social media, and they always seem over the moon thrilled.

“She’ll be on deck running around with us in her brand-new vessel, the Heart of Iron, and recording our exploration from another angle to catch all the action. You can flag her ship, as well as mine, the Golden Titan, and track us as we travel the universe—and, of course, please feel free to join our fleet! Though be warned, if you fire on us, we will be forced to unleash upon you the fury of a thousand suns, as well as the fury of the thousand fans who are traveling with us. Your ship won’t survive against my darling Angst Armada.”

I glance over at Rebekah on the screen and catch her giving me a smile. She’s the one who named our quickly growing fleet, which largely consists of teenagers like us, eager to do a little exploring outside the real world we’re trapped in. And a lot of venting sure does happen on our hashtag and in the game, almost none of which has anything to do with video gaming. School. Breakups. Parents. The usual.

#AngstArmada it is.

Rebekah’s been working on getting patches and pins done up for when we make our appearance at GamesCon later in the summer. She says we can potentially make a ton of money, even if we’re only selling them for a few dollars at our table. I wince at the thought of it—not the patches or pins, which frankly sound awesome and what I’m all about, because how cool would it be to see someone randomly in the mall rocking our fleet badges? And extra revenue to put away for college and help Mom? Yes, please.

But manning the table. Being in public. Sitting in one place where people can come up and talk to me, shake my hand, take pictures. The trolls and their emails and messages… They get so brutal. And the idea of being someplace in real life as D1V and not just as me, Divya, is terrifying.

But if Rebekah can be brave enough to do it, so can I. She’s been through far worse than I have.

“Turn up the enthusiasm,” Rebekah murmurs from her little window, on mute for everyone playing with us and for the stream, but still audible to me. “You sound like you don’t want to be here today.”

She’s awfully perceptive.

“And…we’re in!” I shout, lifting my hands up in the air, fingers wide and open. I beam directly into the webcam.

“Alright, alright, dial it back there on the performance.” Rebekah snipes, and I grin, putting my hands back on the keyboard and mouse. The universe of Reclaim the Sun welcoming and beautiful on my massive screen, an expanse of sprawling black dotted with faraway stars, each a destination that’s possible to fly off to. The fact that there’s no beating this game, no end goal—that it’s just nonstop exploration—makes it all the more fun. There’s no real competition here, unless you’re looking for a fight. We’re all in this together.

I look down at the controls on my ship and take quick stock of what’s on the readouts. I’m still feeling a little bitter that I can’t have my Oculus headset on, as I have to navigate everything with my mouse instead of just physically looking at this stuff. I click on the little video window that contains Rebekah’s floating head and drag it over, placing it atop one of the more useless control screens, there mostly for decoration. Seeing her there makes me feel like she’s my real navigator and in this ship with me. And really, she is—without her, there wouldn’t be a proper show with sponsors and actual revenue or any of that. It’d just be me floundering around in front of an audience, one that wouldn’t be nearly as big as the one we have now.

Or maybe I wouldn’t be doing this at all. I’m not sure what I’d be doing right now without Rebekah’s help, what with Mom and our finances the way they are.

I give my friend’s video window an affectionate little click with my mouse and turn back to the open universe.

“It’s that time, Angst Armada! Our coordinates are as follows… Quadrant Seti Six, 51.7, 92.2, 62.7, in the Omega Expanse. We’ll wait here for approximately five minutes, and then take off and try to find an undiscovered planet. With any luck—whoa!”

The radar screen goes haywire, and Rebekah’s video screen next to it shows her looking far more excited than I’ve seen her in recent memory. A smile explodes on her face, and her voice erupts in my headset, though her video is getting choppy as she talks.

“O-Oh my God, -ere has got to be like, a thousand ships in he—” she screams in my ear, making me wince. “How’s your la-? I swear my sys- go- to cra—”

I check the latency bar, which monitors our connection, and it looks like everything is holding up okay on my end, even as vessel after vessel warps into view in front of my ship. Rebekah’s video stream cuts in and out, her voice getting garbled and then clear and then static again. Spaceships of all kinds and shapes and sizes thunder in out of warp from wherever they were before in the cosmos. Bright neon colors contrast with numerous ships with cold metallic shades, some colored so black, so dark, they practically blend in to the open space. Ships of gold and silver shimmer from the reflecting light of a nearby star, and my radar screen is full to bursting with small glowing dots, each representing a nearby player.

The Angst Armada has arrived.

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9 notes · View notes

oudkee · 4 years

Text

i’m feeling nostalgic about the last decade of my life so here’s a post reminiscing on that and a bit about why i am the way i am i guess... it got kinda philosophical as i wrote it... feel free 2 ignore bc it is relevant to literally nothing at all and is very disorganized but if you wanna read it that’s cool too! it doesn’t encompass every little thing that happened to me or even most of the things i was into over time but i think i covered all the major events and influential media

please like the post if you read it!

sad animal stuff tw

the 2010-2019 decade encompassed all of my teens so obviously i did a lot of growth as a person. and got 4 inches taller. but im proud of what i have improved on in spite of my shortcomings and some traumatizing things that have really set me back a bit.

at the start of the decade, my family living together was me, my parents, and our four cats: star, sara jane, ditto, and jefferson.

2010: i turned 13 years old in february. i was a volunteer at the public library in the town i lived in, so i got to see all my friends every wednesday. i was starting to get really into anime and getting out of star trek which i’d been obsessed with since like 2008. deviantart was my social media of choice and i met one of my best friends, daniel, this year and we’re still friends to this day. irl however, because of the recession, and the fact my dad had lost his job in 2008, we lost the house we were living in (foreclosure) and had to pull up stakes and move 5 hours away to far south texas (the rio grande valley), close to the mexico border, to live with my grandma in 2011.

2011: i turned 14 years old in february. 4 days later is when my parents and i, with the help of my uncle, moved everything including three of our four cats. one of our cats, star, we had to give to a shelter bc she had severe depression after we lost another of our cats, oliver, in 2007. she couldn’t take care of herself properly and we couldn’t afford to groom her etc any more. living in the valley was a bit neat at first but quickly became severely depressing. i obviously had no friends there since i was homeschooled and the libraries were... a bit lacking, so there was no hope in me volunteering. we were living with my grandma and things got a bit rough, she accused the cats of bringing in fleas (they didn’t have fleas before we moved there) so they had to stay in the garage, and relations between ourselves and her got a bit turbulent. my mom called her mother and we arranged for she and i to go live with her (a 9 hour drive away, the dfw metroplex) in june. my dad stayed in the valley to finish the college course he was taking. i remember i was very into sailor moon and megaman at the beginning of the year and... hetalia at the end... i was 14, okay? i also started my original tumblr account this year.

2012: i turned 15 years old. i was very happy this year, discovering my interests etc and just genuinely having a good time. i volunteered at a locally owned health food store a short bike ride from where i was living, and helped them clean up shelves and process orders once a week in exchange for a meal from the store. the two owners of the store were super nice to me and helped me out quite a bit as i was going through my late teens. i was WAY into homestuck and ace attorney and when my dad moved up with us that summer, we got really into fullmetal alchemist together. i had seen most of the 2003 anime when i was 13 but never finished it, so he and i finished that and brotherhood together. i was super obsessed with kimblee and gained a reputation on tumblr for being obsessed with him. i also gained a reputation on tumblr for laughing at this gif for 37 years. i also started dating my first girlfriend this year and things were good for a while. i was a bit emotionally unstable online but i kept myself in check irl. in december i got into an anime called inazuma eleven...

2013: i turned 16 years old. “dropped out” of tenth grade (still homeschooled so basically just stopped doing my work bc it was boring and not engaging.) inazuma eleven took over my life. i was completely obsessed. i remember little else about 2013 other than going to my first anime convention (a-kon in dallas) and meeting one of my tumblr friends, the person who got me into inazuma eleven. i also got very into vintage anime this year but i sincerely don’t remember a lot else. things again got turbulent where my parents and i were living (mental illness runs in my mom’s side of the family) and things were pretty horrible so i locked myself in my room almost all of the time unless the weather was cool enough for me to ride my bike around town. my love for desarm from inazuma eleven kept me going through the latter half of this year and became iconic in my tumblr circles much as my love for kimblee was. speaking of kimblee and desarm, for this year and 2014, several of my friends made their icon kimblee in 2013 and desarm in 2014 for my birthday. it’s a very small gesture and this was a long time ago but it’s something i’ll definitely never forget. i also got really into the x-files this year, my parents were obsessed with it in the 90s and gave me the middle name anderson because of gillian anderson. so it only makes sense that eventually i would vibe with it.

2014: i turned 17 years old. my parents finally had started saving enough money for us to get out and that spring we moved to an apartment. my previously mentioned friend that got me into inazuma cut me and several other friends off without a word and this has continued to give me trust issues especially concerning making new friends. my parents had to give up one of our cats to a shelter since the apartments had a two pet limit, and unfortunately the one that had to go was the oldest, my best friend, ditto. i did very poorly the rest of the year and into the next. however, this was also the year i discovered my favourite anime (galaxy express 999) and my favourite band (the b-52s) so it wasn’t too terrible. i also met one of my best friends, ash, irl (we had been friends on tumblr since 2012) and through them i also met another one of my best friends, elijah. i also met ANOTHER one of my best friends, conner, this year through the health food store. i inherited my parents’ x files media collection which included literally 7+ year’s worth of newspaper clippings, books, magazines, tapes, etc, including one fundamentally prophetic item. i got super into yu-gi-oh at the very end of the year.

2015: i turned 18 years old. i was so mentally and emotionally gunched that i had to break up with my girlfriend, we remained friends for a while but admittedly i wasn’t very good to her which i regret because she was one of the better people in my life at this time. my little yu-gi-oh obsession kept me going for a while, and i’d pepper in some of the retsupurae videos on youtube for a chuckle. through them i got obsessed with two dos games from the 1990s, darkseed and darkseed 2, and though /those/ i became obsessed with my favourite artist, h.r. giger. in the summer, we got this new channel on tv that showed vintage game shows 24/7 and i watched it super religiously. like, it was really crazy. one of the game show hosts in particular, bert convy, completely captivated me. something about his mannerisms and voice always soothed me and i always found myself looking forward to his shows being on.

2016: i turned 19 years old. i got my first real job which i am still at currently, and quit working at the health food store. i started volunteering at a-kon and made great new friends. i was obsessed with 1990s sonic the hedgehog games and media for whatever reason the first half of the year. i also spent a lot of time researching things about bert convy’s life and projects he worked on, and he really inspired me to keep going. it was just wild to me, a famous person that didn’t spend their whole life doing only one thing... it soothed my uncertainty about my own life. with my fresh hot new paychecks coming in i started buying myself merch and cosplays i had always wanted... including things related to a series i was just getting super into again: inazuma eleven. i also remember getting into mystery science theatre 3000 this year (see the link in the 2014 paragraph) as it held nostalgic value for being present in the majority of my early childhood memories - my dad would constantly have it on whenever he was home from work circa 1999-2001 and i always remember loving the theme song and ending theme but getting frustrated bc in my head it was just sesame street for adults. try again in 16 years i guess.

2017: i turned 20 years old. i don’t remember a lot about this year other than our other two cats getting old and sick and passing away a few months apart. it was very stressful for me as i had never in my life lived without cats around. it took over a year for me to even be able to look at cat photos without feeling upset. i also had the worst food poisoning of my life this year and was actually convinced i was going to die because it was so violent and lasted so many days. another thing (this time it’s good) that happened this year is my parents and i finally all got decent phones and we all became addicted to pokemon go and still are. i also started dating my third girlfriend late in the year (idr when i dated my second bc it didn’t last long lol. but we are still very close friends) and she got me into monster factory.

2018: i turned 21 years old. got my GED without studying for it bc im that bitch. living at the apartment sucked absolute ass bc our neighbours were shite. so we moved to a duplex from the 1980s and it rocked. this year i was really REALLY into inazuma eleven again and made a bunch of friends in the fandom. i also became obsessed with vintage bollywood this year, particularly anything madhubala was in. one of my new managers at work and i became really good friends because we were both really into pokemon go. my third girlfriend and i broke up and it was a massive blow to my trust and self esteem and after this i had an even harder time really making new friends or talking to anyone. but that’s okay, because i’m about to get really into orange is the new black and it’s gonna change a lot. see the link in the 2014 paragraph again.

2019: i turned 22 years old. i spent january and february doing little else but binging orange is the new black. i was obsessed. this is when i started to have the really weird and kind of bad prison dreams. my favourite character was red, the russian lady running the kitchen. i was so so so in love with her that i had to find out what else the actress was in. uh oh! star trek voyager! i had never seen any star trek besides tos and tng so i made the plunge and loved it immediately. the characters of voyager became like a family to me. my friends from the inazuma fandom and i ended up having some pretty severe creative differences but voyager helped me take the blow of losing all that friendship because it helped me realize there’s so much more out there. i was (and still am) deeply in love with captain janeway, in spite of not always agreeing with everything her character did. her morally grey demeanor made her so much more real to me. my love for voyager was also boosted by the fact that my manager friend that played pokemon go with me also loved voyager and it was his favourite trek. in june i found a star trek cosplay group that wrote their own stories and made little fake “episodes” with the cosplay photos and i thought it sounded fun so i joined and am now the ship’s counselor. i was convinced by the captain to watch deep space nine in spite of me not wanting to, so as to further my st universe knowledge. i absolutely hated it at first but a character named odo grew on me quickly. i had to quit my job due to an abusive manager and was severely depressed over the summer but once that manager finally got fired, my manager friend rehired me with a good raise. ds9 as a series grew on me a lot more and i ended up making another one of my best friends, boss, because of it. i’ve made lots of other good friends because of trek too but because of what happened with the inazuma friend group i’m still a bit wary of others unfortunately. but overall i’m very happy that things led me to getting back into star trek again, odo and janeway both fill me with so much love that they keep me going. things aren’t perfect in my life but i’m very happy i have them, my parents, and my friends. also i’m really obsessed with vintage bollywood again. to be continued next decade

1 note · View note

infinitychels · 5 years

Text

How is your day going so far?

Since it’s 1210am technically my day just started and I’m in the bathroom 🤷🏼‍♀️

What are you doing tomorrow?

Walmart, calling customer service 😫😫

What's your favorite color?

"Blue, pink, rose gold

Are you watching television?

"no I’ll watch psych though after this

What are you watching?

"^^^"

Do you watch any really lame shows?

"oh, im shore i do, at least according to SOMEONE'S opinion" agree

Are you a bitch?

I’ll be honest and say I can be a major bitch. I’m also a lot of other positive adjectives too ✌🏼

Is there anyone of the opposite sex that you trust?

My dad, my boyfriend, Todd, best friend Matt

Do you hook up with random people?

When i was single i had a few questionable moments

Are you afraid to fall in love?

"Yes but I do it anyway. I love love.

Do you believe that everyone deserves a second chance?

Depends what they did and their actions. I know I don’t deserve second chances with certain people and I’m learning to accept that. It’s a hard pill to swallow.

Once a cheater, always a cheater?

"if someone cheated a long time ago and had obviously grown and changed since then, then im not going to be the random stranger to hold their past against them. if it seemed like an ongoing pattern, then i would recognize that and jst not get romantically involved" couldn’t have said it better

What kind of mood are you in?

Right now annoyed because my IBS is acting up .

Do you take naps?

"I’m a nap queen 👸🏼

What time do you go to bed?

"Lately it’s been like 3 am and I’m not loving it

Have you ever watched the show 'Bad Girls Club'..?

"No

Are you an optimist or a pessimist?

In the middle but anxiety makes me a pessimist

Do you get jealous easily?

Short answer yes. Abusive relationships, society, and anxiety are the main reasons why.

Have you ever purposely made someone jealous?

Attempted to probably but i don’t know what people have to be jealous of

Last beverage?

"Water"

Quick lyric from the last song you listened to?

"I watched American idol so idk

Do you let things go to your head?

Hi yup that’s me queen of overthinking

What kind of shampoo do you use?

"Aussie

Have you ever felt completely defeated?

"i have definitely felt that way before"

Are you one to just give up?

Unfortunately

Do you know how to let go?

Mm nope definitely not

What is your favorite pair of shoes you own?

"Winter-uggs summer-flip flops

Do you regret anything?

"i especially regret the ways ive hurt other ppl" agree

If you could go back and change 1 thing.. what would it be?

There is one thing in my mind but other than that I believe everything happens for a reason

Do you have your own tv?

Yes

What are you looking forward to?

"Warmer weather and meeting my best friend Chelsea

Is there someone you need to fix things with?

There was for a long time. I think back to the good times and it makes it harder to realize that friendship has sailed. Which is fine by me because the people I have in my life now are the kind of people I want to be around.

Do you have a laptop?

"I do but it’s broken

Are you an outgoing person?

I can be

What was the last thing you purchased online?

I don’t even remember

Quick quote..?

Eggs will take over the world

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

Weird that this was a question. Yup"

What kind of hair spray do you use?

"Spray has a lot of chemicals and I’ve never needed it

What movie/s do you really wanna see?

"Just saw Five Feet Below. Cried. But umm i guess I wanna see dumbo next 😂

Who makes you feel better when you're dying inside?

"parents, cats, best friends, psych, sleep

Is there someone you just can't get enough of?

"My cats 😂

What helps you relax?

"ASMR, reading, massage, snuggling with cats, taking my meds properly

What color is your bra?

"---"

!@$%^&*.. when you see that, what comes to mind?

"curse words"

Does goodbye hurt?

"it definitely can"

#not my survey #personal #mobile #iphonetens

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acekatherineplumber · 6 years

Text

Questions! Yay questions!

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most? Out Tonight (RENT), Tightrope (The Greatest Showman), Candy Store (Heathers), Delicate (Taylor Swift), Gorgeous (Taylor Swift), So Much Better (Legally Blonde)

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Taylor Swift. It would be so nice.

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. You will have to pay for excess baggage.

4: What do you think about most? How much cleaning I constantly have to do

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say? “I once again work until [private information], but I hope you have a great day”

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on? It depends.

7: What’s your strangest talent? I’m doubled jointed in three places

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)Girls are wonderful. Boys can choke.

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you? No.

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar? No idea.

11: Do you have any strange phobias? I’m afraid of stairs

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? When I was like 5. It was a bead.

13: What’s your religion? Atheist

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? Taking a walk

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Behind it

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? I like solo artists more

17: What was the last lie you told? I don’t remember

18: Do you believe in karma? Kind of? I believe that the way you treat people affects how they treat you.

19: What does your URL mean? Katherine Plumber is ace. Fite me.

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? Perfectionism, passion

21: Who is your celebrity crush? Emma Watson? I just think she’s pretty, but I’m not sure I want to date her because I don’t even know her, and I’m not sure she would like that.

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping? I have a hot tub, so regularly.

23: How do you vent your anger? I like to vent it through art

24: Do you have a collection of anything? I used to collect state quarters, but nothing current

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? Phone

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become? Sometimes yes, sometimes no

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love? I hate windshield wipers, I love cats meowing

28: What’s your biggest “what if”? Everything is a what if for me

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Yes to both

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. My earbuds, one of my cats

31: Smell the air. What do you smell? I have a stuffed nose today, so nothing

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to? Probably my old private school

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast? East

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender? No.

35: To you, what is the meaning of life? Finding and pursuing your own happiness

36: Define Art. Anything that makes you think (except Modern Art, because that is fucking elitist and pretentious and terrible)

37: Do you believe in luck? I believe in making your own through hard work, but sometimes shitty things just happen.

38: What’s the weather like right now? Cloudy, slightly rainy

39: What time is it? 10:07 am

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? Yes, and unfortunately yes.

41: What was the last book you read? The Count of Monte Cristo

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline? I don’t hate it, but I don’t love it

43: Do you have any nicknames? Yes, but it’s personal

44: What was the last film you saw? The Princess Bride

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? I’ve had a lot of bad sprains. Also a concussion.

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly? Yes

47: Do you have any obsessions right now? Bubble tea. Don’t judge me

48: What’s your sexual orientation? Asexual

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you? I used to be bullied really badly, so yes

50: Do you believe in magic? Yes

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? Yes.

52: What is your astrological sign? Leo/Virgo

53: Do you save money or spend it? I try to save it

54: What’s the last thing you purchased? A stuffed cat

55: Love or lust? Love

56: In a relationship? Yes

57: How many relationships have you had? Technically 5, but only 2 of them have been really serious

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?No

59: Where were you yesterday? At home for most of the day

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? My cat’s nose

61: Are you wearing socks right now? No

62: What’s your favourite animal? Cat

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? Honesty and passion

64: Where is your best friend? At her school. She has a summer class. The other one is at work.

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr. @hoogwoorts @schmackarys, @keepers-quaffles-and-old-clocks, @berrykikwi, and @purplerainbowsrachel

66: What is your heritage? German, English, Irish. Very white.

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM? Browsing the Internet.

68: What do you think is Satan’s last . It’name? I don’t give out the last names of real people.

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off? Yes. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, and is actually really healthy. It’s good for anxiety.

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? I hope so.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? I would probably wait until my last two weeks to tell people. I would travel. Yes, I would be afraid.

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love. I don’t trust people anyway, so love

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? Love Song by Sara Bareilles

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number? Not giving that out.

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? Honesty, kindness, and common interests.

77: How can I win your heart?You can’t! You can have eggs and you can have bacon, but you can’t have Elphie because they are taken!

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity? Yes, but it should still be medicated

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? Going to London.

80: What size shoes do you wear? 7.5-8

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone? I don’t know, but I think it should be in French.

82: What is your favourite word? At the moment? Princesa.

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. The color blue.

84: What is a saying you say a lot? It’s amazing what you find when you clean up.

85: What’s the last song you listened to? Delicate

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours? Aqua

87: What is your current desktop picture? Liberty Leading the People

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? Mike Pence. I hate Trump, but Pence is scary and would be harder to impeach.

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on? Everything that is wrong with my brain.

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? Invisibility

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? Probably the latter half of the first act of Les Mis in London.

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? The thing that caused my PTSD.

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? I don’t really want to do that. I don’t know of trust them.

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Berlin.

96: Do you have any relatives in jail? No

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?Yes

98: Ever been on a plane? Yes

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say? Something about education rights for all.

#story of my life

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thenewwei · 3 years

Text

40 years ago I was born this evening at Flushing Hospital in New York City.

40 years later, not only am I glad to be alive, but I genuinely feel I’ve lived such a full and amazing life and am happy enough that even if I died today, I wouldn’t feel bad about it or regret much.

I didn’t always feel this way, but I do today.

I can’t remember my 10th birthday very well at all. But I do remember being a relatively happy 5th grader, having transitioned to my Flushing elementary school from Corona two years before. I can’t remember if bullies were still bothering me then, certainly there were jerks and turncoats here and there, but I had good friends, we went on some good overnight field trips in Long Island. Oregon Trail and Cops and Robbers were fun (end of 6th grade was especially awesome, if you count in Connect Four sessions) and it was still a couple of years until the horrors of JHS.

I can’t remember my 20th birthday either, but I definitely remember the circumstances. I was working in my uncle’s motel in NC cleaning dirty carpets. This was between my sophomore and junior years at Wesleyan, but I was slated to go abroad for a year at Oxford in late September.

It had been an eventful summer, at least for my young life. I had decided to turn down an internship at Wesleyan University Press for a month’s job at the circulation desk of Olin Library because I had already committed to it; probably a bad decision, but one that likely didn’t affect me much in the long term. During this time I continued to develop my relationship with a sweet and beautiful girl I had met that spring at school, my first girlfriend, who lived nearby in CT.

After that month, I came back home, took a job teaching kids at an “elite” tutor academy in Elmhurst, Queens, and was promptly fired a week later because I “couldn’t control the kids”—first and only time I’ve ever been fired from a job, and probably the first and only time I couldn’t control the kids—ha ha.

Anyway, my uncle offered me a job doing odd jobs at his motel, so I took the Amtrak down South and began working for him. Even though the work itself wasn’t too inspiring, I did meet plenty of interesting people this way, and experienced a completely different atmosphere from the North, and continued to write (I had already written a novella, novel and short story collection at this point—all bad, of course—and had won a couple of awards for high school and college kids).

My flight back—I decided to fly—was on the morning of 9/11/01. My uncle dropped me off at the airport. At the ticket counter, the woman processing my ticket told me a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center (assumably, accidentally). I laughed it off. I thought she was kidding.

When I went inside the gate, I saw the news on the TV, and realized she wasn’t kidding. I can’t remember if I saw the second plane hit live or not, but it became quickly clear this wasn’t an accident, and that I wasn’t going to make it home to NYC.

Somehow I got in touch with my uncle and he drove me back to the motel. I still remember sitting in my motel room, watching people jump out of the towers while my girlfriend, on the phone with me, told me not to watch. I took the train back a week later.

I didn’t sign up for the military, and I didn’t get drafted, since the govt decided not to institute Selective Service. As usual, I decided to follow through on the commitment I had made, for better or worse. I visited Wesleyan briefly and saw my girlfriend and friends for the last time before I went abroad on a flight where even the flight attendant was openly racist towards me.

My year at Oxford was one of the best years of my life. I had tutorials where I could read and learn what I wanted, I wrote over 50 stories and essays, I backpacked Europe extensively, including alone, and had a “trans-chunnel relationship” with my girlfriend, who was studying abroad in Paris during the latter half of the year.

I experienced some racism in Europe, most of which I’ve never written about or even talked about publicly, but compared to my experiences in gang and crime-filled NYC as a teen, it was like nothing, and on the whole, it was a good experience, even though as a person, I remember being neurotic, paranoid, depressed much of the time, and of course insecure. But I had formed great friendships, I had an on-and-off again—but mostly on—gf, and I was physically in the best shape of my life (until, possibly, now).

I do remember my 30th birthday. I was depressed and didn’t do anything special but I did have a lonely meal at a Japanese restaurant and remember complaining to an acquaintance online about my depression.

I honestly felt like a complete failure. Both my long-term romantic relationships with two great girls (sweet, beautiful, brilliant, in love with me and much else) had failed. I blamed myself and frankly, I wasn’t worthy of either of them. While I had earned two masters degrees and had a decent job (maybe not for an Indian-American or whatever, but still, not terrible), I hadn’t gotten anything but rejections for my writing. I hadn’t been published anywhere since college, I hadn’t won any awards, I had no agent, publisher, college teaching gig, or anything else, even as many of my Wesleyan classmates (Lin-Manuel Miranda, Jason Pinter, Paul Yoon, to name just a few) had already achieved publication, fame and much else. Since I pretty much judged myself solely on this standard, at least professionally, of course, I felt like a complete failure.

On the social front, I still had strong friendships, and was developing more. I still had a solid family core. I was traveling and making more friends. I was single, and I still lived at home.

Fast forward to today, and I feel completely different. I’ve published four books, albeit independently, but I’m proud of them, and I feel like each book is better than the last. I’ve gotten great reviews, they’ve hit the Amazon bestseller lists, I’ve done solid interviews, been on TV, I’m active on social media.

I’m still single after more than a decade, and I still live with my family, and I still don’t have an agent (ha ha) but so what? I still have great friends, in fact, I have more than ever. I’ve strengthened many of the friendships I had then, even at distances, and made many new ones. I’ve traveled much of the world. I have friends and acquaintances of every race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, national origin, citizenship and residency.

I live in the greatest city on Earth, where I can eat any type of ethnic cuisine at any time of the day, endlessly explore any type of culture and where I have access to pretty much anything and everything of God’s plenty including art, literature, film, scientific knowledge, and much else. I’m content with my decision not to move to Cali, at least for now. So far I’ve survived the pandemic. I’m in great shape, and I’m better than ever at basketball. I’m happy. What can I really complain about?

That said, I’m hardly done. I haven’t reached anywhere near the literary fame and stature that I’ve wanted for decades. Given the odds, I may never, but I have to keep on trying. I’ve recently won awards and grants, something that never happened to me a decade ago. My next book, Bad Americans, is progressing well.

Having been a pessimist for much of my life, I feel positive and optimistic. I think the next decade is looking up for me, or at least I hope it is. I plan to write and publish many more books, and progress my literary movement The New Wei. There are plenty of other projects in the pipeline too, of various disciplines. I’m planning another road trip across the US and other adventures. Even my dating life is better than it’s been in years. Who knows, maybe marriage and the baby in the baby carriage is on the horizon (yeah right, you wish mom, but hey, anything is possible, right?).

My 40th birthday summer has been amazing. I visited a couple of good friends near Philly. I took my recently retired parents on a fun trip to the South, where we hung out with some of our large and beloved extended family. My parents are happy. My sister, who I rarely ever talk about publicly, is happy. My good friend Bob got married and I was his proud Best Man. We had two karaoke bashes with some Bayside buds. I’m planning on having dinner with some of my closest friends tonight, weather depending. Other close friends I’ll see later. I’m taking a trip to Providence RI over Labor Day Weekend with even more. I’m planning a subway musical reading. Some of my cousins gave me ridiculously thoughtful gifts. I could go on and on.

Life at 40 is amazing. I think it will keep getting more amazing. And even if it doesn’t, so be it. It’s life. There will always be hurdles, and it has to end at some point, right?

0 notes

swldx · 3 years

Text

Radio New Zealand Int. 1355 7 Feb 2021

6115Khz 1259 7 FEB 2021 - RADIO NEW ZEALAND INT. (NEW ZEALAND) in ENGLISH from RANGITAIKI. SINPO = 55334. English, bellbird int. until pips and news @1300z anchored by Adam Cooper. More than 100 feared dead after Himalayan glacier bursts in India collapsing a damn and causing a flash flood. A former Pullman Hotel guest who had been isolating at home in Hamilton for a week tested positive for Covid-19 but the Health Ministry said the case was most likely historical. Dunedin City Council providing free fruit and vegetables during blood tests as lead water contamination scare continues. West Auckland is on edge after a man was taken into custody today after allegedly firing two shots into the air during a fight due to possible gang activity. @1304z trailer for "9 to noon" program. @1305z Weather forecast. partly cloudy in the south. north island mostly fine with occasional showers. @1306z "all night program" music DJ'd by Adam Cooper. he mentions a message from "Steve" describing the "magical" coast road of NZ. Backyard fence antenna, Etón e1XM. 100kW, beamAz 35°, bearing 240°. Received at Plymouth, United States, 12912KM from transmitter at Rangitaiki. Local time: 0659.

---------- Forwarded message ---------

From: Rodney Johnson

Date: Sun, Feb 7, 2021, 3:16 PM

Subject: Re: My Son and I catch your program every morning!

To: AllNight <[email protected]>

Hi Adam,

Aaron was inspired to draw a picture of his experience this morning and I have attached it. Also, if you are interested I made some phone video recordings of your show this morning if you care to hear some airchecks from almost 13000Km away! The youtube links below:

https://youtu.be/SEitD4VTfCs

https://youtu.be/cu6D10WUE2w

https://youtu.be/A40qAFWXagc

https://youtu.be/ro9lN3R_lms

Oh and I don't know if you know it but at 1259 GMT (1:59am your time, I believe) the 6115kHz frequency signs on with a bellbird interval signal before the top of the hour pips followed by the news. Both Aaron (6 years old) and Leonard (4 years old) loves the sound of that bellbird and here's a rendition of it by 4-year-old Leonard:

https://youtu.be/hsGLfwLeKDQ

Thanks again for the shout out! Aaron is still beaming about it!

-Rodney, Aaron, and Leonard

Hide quoted text

On Sun, Feb 7, 2021 at 8:38 AM AllNight <[email protected]> wrote:

Great photo Rodney, thanks for sharing! Must have been a bonus catching a nice clear sunrise in the middle of winter!

It brings back plenty of memories from my road trip down that coast. In fact that image suddenly made me think of the Bixby Bridges further south which were a highlight when I did the trip.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Kind regards

Adam

From: Rodney Johnson

Sent: Monday, 8 February 2021 3:26 AM

To: AllNight <[email protected]>

Subject: My Son and I catch your program every morning!

Once again with the photo!

---------- Forwarded message ---------

From: Rodney Johnson

Date: Sun, Feb 7, 2021, 8:24 AM

Subject: Re: My Son and I catch your program every morning!

To: AllNight <[email protected]>

Hey Adam!

Yes we heard you mention us on air! You should have seen the smile on Aaron's face! Thanks so much, you made our day! And yes, very could here, the coldest day so far this winter by far! Thanks for warming it up a bit for us.

Thanks for mentioning the coast road in the pacific Northwest. Indeed a very rugged and beautiful place! I've attached one of my favorite winter sunset photos I took during a trip back in the 80s. It was at a place called Cannon Beach in Oregon.

(Sorry for all the typos, I'm all thumbs when trying to type on the phone!)

Have a great day, and enjoy your summer there. We're certainly missing it here!

-Rodney and Aaron

On Sun, Feb 7, 2021, 7:37 AM AllNight <[email protected]> wrote:

Good morning Rodney and Aaron!

That has made my morning to know you are tuned i. It’s great to have your company!

Yes, the West Coast road is quite a special road in a remote part of New Zealand’s South Island – they even have signs up telling you to fill up with gas as there is quite a distance between gas stations. Quite rare for a small country like ours! The land and geography actually reminds me of the Pacific Northwest road through Oregon and California which I assume you’re familiar with Rodney – the rugged coastline, harsh (but beautiful) sea conditions, and the occasional spotting of a seal or whale if you’re lucky!

I had a look at the weather forecast in Plymouth out of interest – MINUS 2 is your high today?!?! Goodness me, that is cold. (That translates to minus 19 Celsius in the way we measure temperature) – I cannot quite believe that after a day at the beach on New Zealand’s Kapiti Coast, just north of Wellington, where our high today was a very enjoyable 75 Fahrenheit.

I trust you’re keeping warm, and great to hear from you over the other side of the Pacific. If you keep listening, at about 0250 NZDT in about 10 minutes I’ll pass on my best regards to you both on air and share your note with our listeners.

Thanks so much for your continued correspondence.

Adam

From: Rodney Johnson

Sent: Monday, 8 February 2021 2:12 AM

To: AllNight <[email protected]>

Subject: Re: My Son and I catch your program every morning!

Hi Adam!

Aaron and I are Listening to you right now on the all night program! Great to hear about your memories traveling the magical coast road in NZ!

You sound quite cheerful, keep up the good work!

-Rodney and Aaron!

On Mon, Feb 1, 2021, 4:33 PM Rodney Johnson <[email protected]> wrote:

Greetings from Minnesota, Adam!

Aaron and I were listening to RNZ on Shortwave this morning at 1300GMT (2 am NZST), and the signal wasn't as good as it has been, but I thought we heard Johnny Blades reading the news, maybe you were on the hour before? It is noisy shortwave, so I certainly might be mistaken! Yes, Vicki and John have been so nice, and Aaron treats all of this correspondence like gold because he's just learning to read. This reception report and letter were certainly the first correspondence he's written, let alone getting such a warm response. The whole thing has been a great experience for him and definitely gets us both up in the morning!

So you stayed in British Columbia, Canada? I grew up in Eastern Washington State near a town called "Pullman" about 100km south of Spokane and about 500km east of Seattle. When I lived in Seattle (for about 12 years starting in the late 80s) I often make the trip to Vancouver BC for the Fringe Festival there. A very beautiful city! I'm glad you had the chance to experience what we call "The Pacific Northwest". It really is a wonderful area. My reading about your trip makes me think you might have seen more of the country than I have! For Instance, I have never managed to make it down to New Orleans. I'm afraid we just moved to this area myself and between work and kids were just starting to explore Minnesota when the Pandemic hit. We have been meaning to make it up north to Duluth and what they call the "North Shore", we've heard a lot of good things about it, so you might try there. Also, if you enjoyed Yosemite (I have gone backpacking there a couple of times during my time living in San Francisco California from 2000 to 2015), You might also Try Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming (and also the Grand Tetons, if you find the time) and Glacier National Park in Montana. Both of these Parks are along the Rocky Mountain range featuring the continental divide (one side all rivers flow to the Pacific, the other side the Atlantic!).

Great to hear from you Adam. We'll be listening for you on the air!

Cheers!

- Rodney, Aaron and Leonard!

On Mon, Feb 1, 2021 at 5:47 AM AllNight <[email protected]> wrote:

Kia Ora Rodney, Aaron and Leonard!

Adam Cooper here – one of the fill-in presenters on the ‘All Night Programme’ – I’m on this morning, so your message has come to me. Vicki actually mentioned your correspondence to me when I was out working in the newsroom the other night when she had received your message – it’s so nice to know you’re turning in all the way from Minnesota. It’s quite amazing the global community we have tuning into RNZ, either via traditional radio or online. I know when I lived overseas, in British Columbia, Canada, that RNZ was a perfect way for me to keep in touch with everything that was happening back home �� and to of course remind myself what the New Zealand accent sounded like!

Vicki is on her rostered days off but I have saved your latest message for her so she will see it when she returns to work a bit later in the week.

I hope all is well in Minnesota – I have a real love of the United States, which culminated from a six-week road trip a friend and I did in a hired 25-foot long RV in the summer of 2016 – starting off in California, and going up and down the country across many states, and finishing up in Chicago (which would be the closest I’ve been to Minnesota) – before flying to Washington DC then catching the train up to finish in New York. It was a magical trip and everywhere was just brilliant. My highlights were the pristine Yosemite National Park in California and the vibrant live music scene of New Orleans. I managed to see a lot of Washington State and Oregon too when I lived in Vancouver Canada for two years between 2018 and 2019. Once this nasty pandemic dies down, exploring more of the US is top of my list again – I’ll happily take any recommendations of “must-see” places around the Midwest or Great Lakes area!!

Thanks again for your note, it really is great to know you are keeping us company from the other side of the Pacific.

Take care,

Adam Cooper

RNZ All Night Programme

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theninjasanctuary · 3 years

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The usual year-in-review post. Putting it behind a break because it is long and pretty boring.

Conflicted about giving a verdict, because obviously this year has been shit in so many respects even if I personally really didn’t suffer much beyond minor inconveniences and some anxiety and stress and an unsurprising death in the family. Yet in other respects, ngl, this has still been a better year than I’ve had in a while. It boils down to being in a relatively safe corner of the world and now being paid enough to make ends meet, basically, because I got a new job in a more or less secure field. (I was doing ok-ish last year as well, considering, but it was at the expense of taking on too much extra work, in hindsight I’ve no idea how I even managed teaching 3 classes last autumn semester.) I started it in a half-time capacity, but then switched to full-time in September when we found a replacement for my previous half-time position. I’m making local medium wage now and probably will for the next 4 years, and thus a massive source of stress in my life is just gone for the time being. I’m not buying-cars-or-real-estate rich, but I can afford not to worry, and let me tell you, that is so fucking nice.

No, I haven’t been particularly smart about it. Yes, I did sort out the situation with my retirement savings plans at the end of December, and increased monthly contributions, but throughout the year, I’ve been spending furiously and, disregarding minor charitable donations, pretty selfishly. I’ve done a lot, A LOT of shopping, mostly online. Some of it was warranted to make up for all the lean years - it was not too soon to get new sheets, the old ones were literally becoming threadbare, the rug was looking miserable, the sofa was de facto broken, the hallway was depressing, etc. I don’t regret any expenses on nesting, including furniture and reno (with the possible exception of a pendant light I changed my mind about when it was too late to return it, but I still kind of like it and will find a use for it eventually). There’s an underlying pessimism, leading to a sense of urgency to check these things off the list before the good times run out again. As I’ve said before, I feel it’ll be easier to cope with precarity when I’ve established a baseline of relative comfort.

But there’s also no point in denying that a considerable chunk of the expenses this year built up from just comfort shopping out of anxiety and boredom. It’s not even a good self-soothing tactic, is it. Yet here we are, and the wardrobe has been upgraded and then some, again, but at least nearly all of it was either second-hand or reasonably priced. Too many favourites to list, but finding the perfect jeans (and getting 2 pairs) seems like an achievement worth noting. (I also had 2 pairs of my previous favourites, Uniqlo denim joggers from... 2017?, but my thighs destroyed them both by late last year. The new ones are lasting better in comparison.) Of course there was fairly little chance to wear all of these nice things, with the exception of loungewear. I last wore a dress in August. Hopefully things will eventually improve in this respect.

Bought lots of skincare, too. I am habitually mindful of getting the best value for money, but have definitely splurged on things here and there, and tried new stuff more than I used to. There are vague thoughts on perhaps simplifying the routines. Also, there’s been a shift towards stuff I can easily get in Europe, because there were issues with getting things from Korea or Japan, and I guess the novelty has worn off a bit, I can’t be bothered to sheet mask more than twice a month, max, and things I like keep getting discontinued.

In contrast to all of the above, saved on travel, obviously. Due to all plans getting cancelled from March onwards, only left the country once this year, to Paris around Valentine’s day (it was mostly excellent and done in a budget-conscious manner). It is odd that I don’t really miss travel all that much either. Low-key dreading the next opportunity because it seems like a major source of anxiety after a long break. There were a few local day trips with friends or family over the summer and autumn, which I cherished, as well as the too-few chances to go out somewhere and see people (amid second-wave hindsight, wish I’d done it more during the summer). Even my introverted ass misses socializing by this point, despite also feeling that I’ve become really bad at it. As anyone ought to have realized after reading this far, I’m probably more boring than ever, too.

Regrets also involve not getting out more and not getting enough exercise. Yes, even considering I’ve been going to weekly workouts with a physiotherapist/private trainer since June (using a compensation scheme paid for by work, but that covers about half of it) that has mostly fixed the issues I was having with my shoulders and clearly upped my general fitness level. The problem is, the workouts at home were on the easy and occasional side, and I have only gone on a handful of long walks all year. Part of it is scheduling, part of it is route issues and wanting to avoid public transportation because of the pandemic, and part of it was my tendency to get blisters for no good reason, but I fixed that with another late-in-the-year purchase of cold-weather-appropriate Skechers.

In surprise achievements during this year: for the first time since actively having an ED, I have become mostly ok with weighing myself like a rational adult (no more than once a month though, and I take care to do it at a time where I’m not bloated, so the ‘rational’ part remains arguable). I didn’t really think this would ever happen, but it’s a side effect of the physio sessions. It feels a bigger achievement than the 5 or so kg of actual weight I’ve lost - I felt fat af in the late spring, and ngl, cookies and ice cream featured heavily on the lockdown menu. I also cut all the way back on sugar since May until late November or so, and intend to keep it up once sugar-binge-season is over.

Ceiling-to-floor reno of a complicated hallway space on top of everything else that’s been going on is also a fucking achievement, even if it took too long and the guy is coming to put up 2 more lights next week.

I’ve been reading more just for recreation. Not ‘enough’, whatever that means, and not always or even mostly at reasonable times, but it counts and has made this year more tolerable.

Items still on the to-do-list for next year: getting glasses, ffs. I have had the prescription since June. I want to go with the boyf and make him get new ones too, but zero fucking progress, and the environment isn’t helping, hard to shop for glasses with a mask on. Same goes for driving school, can’t do all of it online, but it needs to get done. Also, kitchen reno, even though at the moment that feels like too much, but I ought to make plans and order the supplies during winter and spring, and then hire the same guy to get it done quickly in the summer.

Resolutions: I guess my last remaining grandparent dying has contributed to feeling I’m sick and tired of kidulting. I want to get a fucking grip, get my finances in order, set adult goals and muster the will to work towards them. And I want to continue working on my fitness level. That’s about it.

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northcountryprimitive · 4 years

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North Country Primer #7: Raymond Morin, Pittsburgh. PA

Originally published at North Country Primitive in May 2015

The seventh installment in our North Country Primer series features Pittsburgh-based guitarist, Raymond Morin, who many of you may also know as the head honcho of the excellent fingerstyle blog, Work & Worry, a key inspiration for our own humble efforts. While Work & Worry has gone on the back burner for the time being, Raymond has been finding plenty more guitar-related activity to keep him busy - as well as repairing and building them as part of his day job, he is also organising regular gigs for like-minded musicians passing through Pittsburgh and, alongside David Leicht, playing as one half of acoustic duo Pairdown - more of which below.

Tell us a bit about yourself and the musical journey that took you to a place where you concluded that playing an acoustic guitar on your own was a good idea...

I grew up in an old mill town in northeast Connecticut, pretty removed from anything interesting. I initially started playing music just because it was something to do when the weather wasn’t conducive to skateboarding. My girlfriend at the time - now my wife - had a guitar sitting under her bed, and I asked her to show me some chords. Her dad jokes that because he originally taught her the chords that she passed on to me, he’s the one who basically taught me everything I know! I originally put down the pick back in my band days, when I played in a sort of chamber-pop group called The Higher Burning Fire. I guess my initial thought was that it would distinguish the sound of my playing if I picked with my fingers and came up with the most physically demanding chord shapes I could think of, stuff that I couldn’t imagine other guitarists going to the trouble to execute. As I developed as a “fingerstyle” player, I came to the logical conclusion that not only could I play somewhat orchestrally on my own, but there was a tradition of doing this thing on acoustic guitars, which had their own exotic appeal, and travelled a lot more easily than electrics plus amps. What has influenced your music and why? I loved alternative and college rock in high school, R.E.M., Morrissey and The Smiths, Jane’s Addiction etc, but I always had Simon & Garfunkel and Bob Dylan rattling around in my head, from when my parents used to listen to the oldies radio station on family trips. I got really into indie and post-rock for a few years after high school, stuff like Unwound, Fugazi, Tortoise, June of 44, Boys Life, etc. When I started playing acoustic guitar and fingerpicking more, I started digging deeper into the older stuff, in addition to writing my own songs, and naturally found my way to my longtime favorites: Bert, Davy, John Renbourn, Martin Carthy, that whole generation of players just never ceases to enthrall me. So in addition to the records that I was listening to, I was lucky enough to befriend a few players over the years that have continued to have a massive influence on the way I play and perceive music. The first is a great friend of mine named Matthew Goulet, who I met when I lived in Boston. I was a year or two into exploring British folk and blues music, and Matt had all of that stuff down cold, but was also an exceptional ragtime picker. As a guitarist, that was a big door to have someone open for you! Within a couple days of meeting Matt, I knew that I would never be happy until I learned to play like him, and I’ll be damned if I’m not still trying. The second biggest influence on the way that I think about guitar playing is probably Milo Jones, a criminally under-known guitarist from Boston and another good friend. I can’t begin to describe how deep Milo’s music goes, he’s a very accomplished player and singer who has a pretty unique vision, a harmonic sophistication that’s unrivaled in the “solo guitar dude” world. More rooted in jazz, I guess. His YouTube videos are great, and you can listen to a ton of his recorded music on his Bandcamp page. The biggest influence is my ongoing partnership with David Leicht. We play as a fingerstyle duo called Pairdown. When I first moved to Pittsburgh and met Dave, we were both plying our wares as solo singer/songwriter types, he was fingerpicking just a little bit… I think initially we both just liked each other's lyrics, and we just got on really well together. In the time I’ve known him, Dave has become a real master at composing for the acoustic guitar, and it’s a huge challenge for me coming up with parts that are worthy of being attached to his songs. He has also become a fantastic fingerpicker in his own right. He can play Ton Van Bergeyk’s Grizzly Bear for crying out loud. That ain’t easy. What have you been up to recently? Well, I have a young daughter who is at the top of the priority list these days. I manage and do repairs at a musical instrument shop called Acoustic Music Works here in Pittsburgh, so that’s the full-time gig. It’ll be three years ago this summer that I started learning to build acoustic guitars, so that takes up a lot of my time, just exploring that and honing that craft. I’m very fortunate to have access to a lot of insanely nice acoustics at my job, stuff like Collings and Bourgeois, some fancy luthier-built stuff and my share of old Martin and Gibsons, so I take a lot of notes. Since I started at AMW, I’ve also been presenting a lot of guitar-oriented concerts at the shop. When I was writing about guitar music for workandworry.com (still online, but kind of dormant these days, with everything else going on) I got to speak to a lot of these guys whenever they had a new record in the works, and now I’m able to give them a cool place to play when they’re on tour. Pittsburgh is not exactly known as a raging guitar soli town, you know? But we have a good time, and I’ve been able to get cash into everyone’s pockets, which I know wasn’t the case at a lot of the places that these guys and gals used to play when they passed through. If you’re reading this blog and are planning a tour that passes through Pittsburgh, feel free to hit me up about a gig at [email protected]. Other than that, we’re currently gearing up to record a new Pairdown LP, which is very exciting. Some of our best guitar-work so far, for sure, but also some of our coolest songs. We have a couple real epics on our hands, some real dynamic tunes that have lots of twists and turns… so we’ll probably record that starting this summer sometime, maybe early in the fall.

What are you listening to right now, old or new? Any recommendations you’d like to share with us? This would be a good time to score some cool points, but I’m afraid my music listening has no agenda, rhyme or reason behind it. Lately it’s lots of Mastodon, First Aid Kit, Sturgill Simpson, John Renbourn, Steve Gunn, Phil Ochs. I got to hear what I believe are the final mixes for the new James Elkington / Nathan Salsburg duet record, those guys are incredible. Their first one, Avos, is easily one of my favorites from the current generation of guitar players, and Nathan’s solo stuff is nothing short of breathtaking. I’d recommend that anyone who wants to hear great guitar playing listen to Milo Jones. I also love LOVE the ragtime playing of John James, and Stefan Grossman has been reissuing James’ Kicking Mule LPs on CD over the last couple years. The guitar nerd bit: what guitars do you play and what do you like about them? Is there anything out there you’re coveting? My main guitar is a custom by Trevor Healy, who builds acoustics and electrics in Easthampton, MA as Healy Guitars. It’s called his RM model, it’s a small jumbo (16” lower bout) and this particular one is 25” scale, with an Adirondack spruce top and Cuban mahogany back and sides. I’ve had this guitar for over three years now, it sounds wonderful and it just gets better and better, all the time. Your readers might now Trevor from the Beyond Berkeley Guitar CD that came out on Tompkins Square a few years ago, he’s a great fingerpicker in addition to being a great luthier. I also recently built myself a ladder-braced L-00 sized guitar, a copy of the new Waterloo WL-14 that Collings came up with. Those are based on the old Kalamazoo KG-14s that Gibson built for the catalog/department store market during the depression, something like a $15 guitar at the time. Mine is a really dry sounding guitar, with a very quick and immediate response. It’s great for the really snappy ragtime and country blues stuff, but honestly pretty much everything sounds awesome on it. It has a really chunky “V” neck, which scares off a lot of people, but I love it. I’m around hundreds of brilliant guitars all day at work, so a certain amount of self control is required. One day I’d like to build myself an OM-45 out of one of the sets of Brazilian rosewood that I have, or better yet, have Trevor build it! Banjos: yes or no? For sure! Corn Potato String Band from Detroit just played at my shop a few weeks ago, and they had a two-banjo version of “Nola” played in harmony… totally blew my socks off! What are you planning to do next? I’ve got a bunch of guitar building commissions and other projects lined up, pretty much through the end of the year, so between that and the new Pairdown record getting recorded, I’ve got my work cut out for me. What should we have asked you and didn’t? Nah, I’ve gone on plenty. Thanks, keep up the good work!

Pairdown have a Bandcamp page here. You can read Work & Worry here. Meanwhile, you can find out more about Acoustic Music Works here.

#raymond morin #pairdown #acoustic music works #work & worry #american primitive

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