being short is rough sometimes

A Box of Pictures in Ma's Attic

//@desi-lgbt-fest // Day 18 Fest Submission

Sometimes when I look back at my childhood photos I wonder how such a sweet little girl could ever become someone like me. It’s not a feeling that’s purely negative, though. It’s just a thought. I see the little me holding dolls and hugging her family and then I wonder just when did I stop feeling the joy of existing and start worrying about the space I occupy in this world. Every person stands at their own crossroads, yet mine feels like standing right in the middle of a roundabout of identities. A Muslim girl that isn’t particularly devout, a Bengali who’s lived in America more than her own homeland, the eldest daughter that disappoints her family more than makes them proud, a fraud in her educational institution and workplace, a fat girl (really that’s just the reality of it), just a general person who is easier to let go of then to hold on to. Most importantly, however, a person who doesn’t understand all these identities she grapples with. 

When I do ponder on this, I remember that little girl in the picture, so sweet and so innocent, somehow knew back then that something about her was different from what she has known her whole life so far. There was never a dawning horror or a sudden shift of the universe, but something more quiet and sure…almost as if it was just a truth born within her. Now, innate acceptance is different from the reality of seeing it. Truth be told, learning about the queer community at 11 years old was absolutely overwhelming. Queer culture in 2014 was far from the progressive as it is today, and the passing of the Marriage Equality Act began a sort of Rennaissance of new identities, definitions, and cultures. Yeah…quite overwhelming. 

Eleven-year-old me didn’t know what to do with all of it. Neopronouns? Nonbinary? Genderqueer? Asexual? All I know is that I like to kiss girls sometimes. Maybe I liked boys too, but the more I get to know boys my age the less I like them to be honest. The more I learned new things, the more questions I had, and the more I felt like a failure because I didn’t understand it right away. The quiet acceptance was gone, instead replaced with new verbiage and cultural politics. Absurdly, I wondered if I was even doing this gay thing right. Should I be thinking about defying societal norms and change my pronouns? Should I hate sex? Love it?  Should I discard my religion and Bengali identity because it is not as progressive and denies my existence? For the first time in my life, I began to question myself. 

The best thing about being gay in the early 2010s is that you can shove yourself back in the closet as many times as you want since being open about it was so new. And that’s exactly what I did. Up until my senior year of high school, I didn’t bother thinking about any of it (other than consuming an insane amount of gay content because hey a girl’s gotta have an outlet somewhere). Perhaps it was a blessing rather than a curse that the pandemic made us experts in introspection because the next round of reformation felt akin to psychological warfare on my younger self. 

I look at the younger photo of me and I look at the me right now and wonder how, after all that, I still come back to a full circle to the place I once was: quiet and innate acceptance. I am not out to my family (I tried with my mom but that was a complete disaster). It doesn’t really mix well with me being Muslim-Bengali. However, I am out to myself. In other words, I gave up caring about definitions and what should or should not be, instead focusing on the painful, joyful, simple existence I lead, making a difference when I can wherever I can. I am still on that roundabout of identities, continuously faced with unprecedented uncertainties, but now, I take that little girl’s hand, and we face the future forward together. 

Hi! I've been following your tumblr for a little while now, and I think your different takes on the characters are so interesting! Especially your stuff on Zenkichi and Maruki (Your phantom thief! Maruki is a personal favorite). I was wondering what your thoughts on our boy Joker are since I haven't seen a lot with him specifically. I was also curious if you could ever see him developing a palace a la Maruki or Zenkichi in your Prison of Grief story. If so, what would it be about and how do you think it would trigger?

Hello and thank you! I am actually thinking about doing a small redesign with PT Maruki at some point so keep an eye out for that!

As for Joker, I don't really talk much about him because of the different ways his character can be intrepreted (toxic or otherwise) but yeah, I can see him developing a Palace somehow like in me and CreepyMarsh's fic. The trigger and look for it I'm not exactly sure on though (the most common idea is a theater though).

But my takeaway for him as a character is this since it makes the rounds very often: I personally think his own traumas should have been addressed for certain but I feel like it's more prominent in the base game and manga adaptations with Strikers having him recovering and going through Post Traumatic Growth as opposed to full on PTSD like people would frequently do. It's there but he's getting better. It helps that Mona was staying with him at home too so he had someone to talk to or even vent. Plus I feel like he was more expressive and being more himself in Strikers as well. As I put it on my Twitter: He's like a feral cat that would go, "fight me" on occasion.

A lot of his dialogue options with Zenkichi is interesting too because they can range from snarky to neutral to concerned and then welcoming when he joined when he had every right to turn him away and not show sympathy due to his ties with law enforcement. Same with Maruki, the man even asked for Joker's consent to vent when the fist fight phase happened and all of his options were accepting and even understanding.

And that's a core aspect Joker that I feel like people overlook: He is kind and can be forgiving but not to the point of naivete. Even to those who wronged him (unless they go way too far) like Maruki, Zenkichi, Akechi, hell some of the other Thieves who blackmailed him before joining. Also, he DOES go apeshit. His case is just more calm and subtle and that's honestly much more intimidating than outright screaming like Akechi. Hell, there have been moments where he ended intimidating someone without even trying unless he states otherwise. He's a dork but can be scary if you piss him off.

The boy went through a lot but his trauma alone isn't his whole character. If anything, he's accomplished so much despite it and is slowly healing. It helps that he has a strong and stable support system in the form of the group and his confidants, something that antagonists like Akechi, Maruki, and the Monarchs lacked which contributed to their trauma and pain worsening. Even Zenkichi lacked one since Akane hated him and he could hardly trust anyone in the force until meeting the group. That could contribute as to why Joker sympathized with him, Akechi, and Maruki because he knows what it's like and wants to help.

Bottom line since I'm rambling: He's traumatized by what he went through but that's not his core personality as that would undermine his accomplishments despite it and can even come off as infantilizing if one takes it too far (there should be a balance there). He's also kind, even to those he had every right to hate (especially if they wronged him specifically) but he's also not dumb either and will go into protective mode when people he cares about are threatened. Especially those he considers his family. But he can be a little shit sometimes too. He can even act/come off as guarded or cold due to past experiences but is the sweetest soul when he lowers his guard. Like I said, he's kind but not dumb and can even be cautious due to what he experienced.

Joker is a precious occasionally feral cat but isn't a "uwu soft delicate traumatized boi" either. He's someone who was in a fucked up situation but rose above it despite all the pain. He can handled himself sometimes. Sure he may have potentially bottled it all up to avoid disappointing his friends but based on his behavior in Strikers, he's gotten better about it (again, Mona stayed with him so there might have been venting prior). His friends seeing and protecting him no doubt reassured him and cleared his own doubts and he's happy. That's all that matters there. I love this kid and the depth he has and how he can be inspiring for some. Especially in regards to trauma. ^_^

This AU in a Nutshell:

Original:

Show: SpongeBob SquarePants (image found on Pinterest).

oby jeggy is a different kind of dsfkdsf so here is them from the first fic in that series, i will touch you with my mind by my love @itsjaywalkers

atlus had to put them in dlc jail cuz they wouldve been too powerful brainwashed

Beware; for I am fearless, and therefore powerful.

someone probably said this already but in spiderverse i think it's interesting how when pavitr was first introduced everyone thought something bad was gonna happen to him bc of how confident and optimistic he was. and then in the actual movie we see that something bad was supposed to happen to him (police chief dying!) but it doesn't! miles stops it! and miguel berates miles for this, says it's going to cause the universe to collapse or whatever.

there's this idea that tragedy is inherent to spidermans growth, and while it's true that some spiderpeople learn important lessons through loss, no one stops to ask, is it really necessary? yeah, maybe the chief was supposed to die. but why does spiderman have to be formed through tragedy? why do we (as heroes) have to let people die? pavitr didn't lose anyone, and he's still a good spiderman! maybe, if he doesn't suffer, he'll end up better off for it!

so while miguel is arguing for all this big picture stuff about saving the multiverse he's lost sight of what it really means to be a spiderman, he's not looking out for the real individual people. yeah it's just one person who would die, but that one person means something to someone. shrugging and saying "stuff just sucks sometimes, we can't do anything about it" is the opposite of what superheroes do. pretty obviously, miles arc is also a reflection of the struggles people face in real life, working within unequal systems, where it's easy to shrug and say "that's just the way it is" and not ask "but why does it need be this way? can't we do something about it?"

miguel is arguing that you can't have your cake and eat it too. presumably, miles and co. are going to find a way to get around that and change things for the better (and maybe that's why miles has that line about two cakes in the advisors office!)

this post but its the deltabunes

(versions w/out text)

crown swap

In the Spirit World, roughly 400 years ago.

When you are just a little blue guy. But the greater gods found a liking in you. And then you ended up as chewtoy for Koh.

Spirit shenanegans at their finest.

“Well of course there’s the basic power set that almost the entire species has, y’know, flight, invisibility, intangibility, being able to sense when another one of our species is near, enchanted strength and hearing, an incredibly fast healing factor to anything injuries not made by our own species or specifically made to harm us, being able to speak and understand ghost speak and any other dead languages, not needing to breathe and in most cases (but not mine) this applies to most other human needs. And then there are the more unique powers which I have and (depending on the power) others have too, like being able to withstand sub-zero temperatures, ectoblasts, ice, telekinesis, ghostly wail, being able to open portals to the infinite realms, basic shapeshifting or at least being able to change my body proportions and bones- you look scared, do, do you want me to keep going?”

“”

“What?”

“Dude, that is like, Kryptonian levels of power.”

“More actually, we did a test.”

“You’ve fought Superman?!”

“There was a brief incident with Pariah Dark. Superman lost the incident.”

“But you said that Pariah Dark was the ghost king so that isn’t fair for the entire species let alone you right, you said you were the equivalent of a newborn in age standards.”

“I beat Pariah Dark.”

“You are a scary level of powerful.”

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The American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 broadcast recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by active climate leaders. Watch to find out which finalist received the $50,000 grand prize! Hosted by Vanessa Hauc and featuring Bill McKibben and Katharine Hayhoe!

wanted to scribble a couple of my favorite moments from the "Just So" song demo <3

I know they're not fish but have you ever considered horseshoe crab anthro?

God anon you are not making it easy for me but I'm not backing down from a challenge.

[left image cred]

A Night Sky in the Woods