First time in two months that I don't have to set an alarm clock for tomorrow and don't have to get up at a specific time to study or sit for an exam... I have truly forgotten what being relaxed felt like.

Si-dom/sensing types

SUBMITTED by sharly85

Hi, I really enjoy your blog and it’s especially helped revive my interest in mbti recently and now enneagram too. This isn’t really a question but I thought I’d submit it regardless. Anyway, I saw your post the other day where you mentioned that it was really hard to grasp Se and Si since a lot of the books are written by Ns. So as an ISFJ, I just wondered if I could help and give at least one person’s first-hand Si perspective. Obviously I can’t speak for all S users, least of all Se users, and my other functions will play a role in how I use it, but I thought it might change how you see Si a bit :) Also, I’ve been recently trying to learn about enneagram and I think I’m a 6w5 with sp but I’m not 100% sure (ironic I know) but that might be worth considering in your interpretation of my description. Si>Fe>Ti>Ne So the base descriptions of S and Si in general always talk about how S’s rely on using their 5 senses to take in information. Whilst this is true, I personally think there’s a lot more to it than that. When it comes to learning and revising for an exam, I would definitely say that I use a lot of strategies that relate to my senses. For example, I make a lot of posters, write in a range of coloured pens, and can still remember a song about mitosis I haven’t listened to in about 4 years. But for me, the more important thing I found out about Si (I can’t remember where from unfortunately) was that information is taken in through your own series of biases. This doesn’t mean that I have a refusal to see or hear some thing I don’t agree with, but it means that what I remember has to have struck a chord with me in some way. Being a feeling type, this usually means it has to emotionally impact me in one way or another (although not exclusively), but it is a lot easier for me to remember it if I was emotionally impacted by it, or equally, if I know I will be negatively impacted later if I don’t remember it.  That being said, as I am an ISFJ, the Si-Ti loop can very much allow me to remember things that don’t emotionally impact me, if I can logically organise them in my brain. I like to think of the Si-Ti loop as a filling system in my brain. Si takes in information, and Ti then tries to categorise and organise that information for memory recall. When I want to recall something, I go to the folder for that category and then have access to all the previous things I have categorised in there. I think there are stereotypes that a lot of ISFJs are not very smart, and NTs are the smart ones for example, but because of the Si-Ti loop, I have always had incredible memory allowing me to be in the top 10% of the class. But as I mentioned earlier, as whatever Si chooses to take in has to go through a series of personal biases, if an Si user is not interested in academic learning, then they would struggle to remember the information because it doesn’t impact them. I enjoyed learning and succeeding academically, so I was invested in learning and hence had reason to remember. And because of my functions, I was able to do this with pretty good success.    Another key thing that S’s are described as is being detail-orientated. I think some N’s can believe that they care about details but I really don’t know if they realise the extent to which an S can be detail-orientated. To put it into perspective, I was recently helping proof read my partner’s essay (he’s a suspected INTJ but came out as Ixxx when I got him to take tests) but I was starting to frustrate him because I noticed every single double space in the document. I really don’t think that most N’s would actually notice this level of detail in something. Because of this level of detail-orientation, it can become very easy to become quite perfectionist, especially for a repeated task that I have completed “perfectly” before. Once I have noticed a detail, I can’t ignore it. It starts to stand out like a neon sign, eating away at me. It doesn’t matter if no one else notices, I’ve noticed it, and so if it’s something I’ve noticed and don’t like, I have to change it/fix it. The same applies to me with having a piece of rubbish fall out of my pocket. I don’t think a lot of N’s would realise the rubbish fell out, and some people (S or N) may not care. But you can be damn sure that I will be chasing that down the street because I know it’s there now. But this detail orientation can definitely cause me to be unable to see the wood for the trees sometimes. I can become absorbed by even a single detail and can find it very hard to take a step back and look at the bigger picture when this happens. So I often need an external source to help pull me out of this tunnel-vision. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I have proof-read this and made minor changes or spotted typos but, it’s a lot.  Detail orientation can be in any aspect of the S’s life, and doesn’t just have to be with regard to work. For SFs it can often be with regard to the people they care about. I recall you mentioning something in another post recently about this, but an N can have an uncanny guess about what someone is thinking or feeling without being able to explain how they got to that conclusion. In contrast, as an SF, if I want to know how someone is feeling, I pick up on tiny facial expressions, body language and speech patterns that I’ve seen before to understand. Because of this, it makes my ability to do so more accurate the better I know someone, but as most humans have similar overall facial expressions, it is a relatively transferable skill even to people I don’t know well. I think as a good general distinguisher between an S and an N is that if the person in question can explain their process into a conclusion, they are likely to be an S, even if the conclusion is wrong (e.g. “you have your sad face on”). If they can’t explain at all their mental process and can somehow still get it right, they are probably an N (e.g. “you just seemed upset”).   I think one of the “party tricks” other types (particularly Ns) see me do is remember where an object is. I largely attribute this to growing up with my mother (probably ENFJ) who was very forgetful when it came to small objects. She’d walk in, drop her keys somewhere (but it would never be dropped in the same place twice) and then less than 5 minutes later she would have no clue where they are. But because I’m both a helper type and detail orientated, I can be very good at noticing where things are. In my own home, it is even easier for me because whilst nothing is perfectly tidy, everything has a place it should be (I presume this is SJ combination), and so for me I can almost ignore the background of what usually lives there to find the out of place object. In a house where I don’t have as much control over where things go it can be harder, but I will still probably notice your keys or your phone partially sticking out from under a coat that was thrown on a chair or something, especially if I know the object has significance. I.e. I know that you need your keys to leave the house and you will become stressed if you can’t find them, so it will reduce the disturbance of harmony (Fe) if I can recall where the object is and shortcut the process. But, that means that when I lose something, I can very easily catastrophise the scenario (Inf Ne) and think it’s lost forever because I would know where it was and it’s not there (some times it is still where I think it should be, but as the panic sets in, my Ne takes over worrying about the fact I’ve lost it, preventing good perceptive skills at actually seeing it). As I’ve eluded to, for an Si particularly, environment is a big factor. Introverts already struggle with overstimulating environments as is, but for an Si-dom, I am particularly sensitive to an environment. I often find myself somewhat like a meerkat when I’m in a new place, even if the new place is just a new room in a building I know. I will spend a lot of time looking around trying to notice things around me and basically memorise it, should I need to reference it later. Likewise, if I am walking out and about, I often find myself looking all over, noticing how the light shines through the trees, the pretty coloured flowers in someone’s front garden or the sound of the birds tweeting. So I am always aware of my environment no matter where it is. Once I have some familiarity with a place, it makes it much more comfortable for me to spend time there, because I don’t need to activate the “meerkat-mode” and look around constantly - I already know the environment (Si-Ti memory). But, that means that I will sure as hell notice if something has significantly changed in a place between me being there previously (as I mentioned earlier, once I have the background established, any changes become much more obvious to me). Equally, if the environment I am in is overstimulating, it can be really uncomfortable to be in because I am constantly surveying the environment and can’t focus on whatever it was I was supposed to be doing in that place. I find it really challenging especially as an introvert to be in a loud crowded place because there’s too much to take in, and being an introvert especially with Si and Ti, I find it much easier to process thoughts in a quieter space. So I often end up taking a step back in group conversations in busy environments because I have to put all my energy into focusing on listening to try and minimise over-stimulation.  Another major aspect of Si for me is learning through hands on experience. I think you mentioned recently that S’s are typically the ones who will become world experts in one thing whereas N’s are better at becoming Jack of all trades, and I think that can be true for some but N’s ability to pull abstract pieces of information together can also help N’s in academia in a way that S’s can’t. But the way that an S gets to that point is through hands on experience. Every time I do something that I want to be able to do, I will unconsciously remember, and will also more consciously remember any mistakes I made doing so. Then the next time I do it, I will be ever so slightly better at it, using what worked previously and avoiding what didn’t. But repeat this process as many times as I do it, until somehow I know exactly what to do every single time with very little variation[. For me this is particularly true with fine-motor skills and a few really obscure skills. The one example that springs to mind is I was with an ENFP and an INFJ and the ENFP told us about a tongue twister she wanted us to try: “Tesco, Tesco Metro, Tesco Extra, Tesco Express” (I’m British so Tesco is a supermarket chain and those are the different types of stores they have). But the ENFP told us to try saying it like 5 times in a row quickly. The first few times, I was ok at it, but I was either way too slow, or I stumbled on the words if I went faster. But after each time I tried the tongue twister, I got better until I was able to say it the best out of all of us. It was like watching evolution in front of you, and this was only across the space of 10-15 minutes. Whist I can’t say for sure, this is why I reckon that some STs get really good at being things like mechanics. It’s hands on so they learn well every time they have to fix a car, but equally they probably pick up on subtle noises or visual cues to figure out what’s wrong with a car. Each time they do, they subconsciously remember something about the car and then remember the outcome so that next time they don’t have to figure it out and they can shortcut the process. 

I think the need for routine that a lot of S’s feel (particularly SJs) also comes from this idea of hands on learning and basing everything you do on experience. When an SJ has figured out that some combination of events works, they don’t want to let it go because an alternate method might not work (it might work, but poor N functions means that it can difficult for an S to accurately predict). At a previous job, I used to walk to work every day, and I reckon if you were able to track every foot step I took to work every day and overlay them, they would almost be identical with an identical overall path. There were other places I could have crossed the road (and there’s no jaywalking in the UK so I could cross a road anywhere I want) but I didn’t. I could have walked on the other side of the road just coz, but I didn’t. I had decided that this was the optimal route, so that was the route I took. No need to consider other routes because this works and I know it does, so why change it? A routine that has been established and is known to work and requires a lot less mental energy for an S(J) than trying to figure out what will happen if you do something else, so it makes their life easier. Because of this, when something comes up that requires me to disrupt my personal routine, I will automatically feel negative about it, even if I will enjoy the thing or know what to expect from the thing. It disrupts my routine which normally makes me feel happy and comfortable so I already have to put more effort into thinking about the event than if it didn’t. Traditions go along the same lines. SJs feel comfortable with traditions because they are essentially oddly specific routines that come into play when certain conditions are met. The SJ can predict what will happen when the conditions are met because it has previously been established, and they like that predictability.  I think the last thing I think is really important for S’s is being in touch with your body, especially for Si’s. A lot of N’s seem to constantly be confused when something isn’t quite right with their body and they don’t seem to be very good at putting two and two together about it e.g. I ate fast food all day and then had a full bar of chocolate and now I have an upset stomach, or another classic one is when N’s say they feel really tired but when you talk to them, you find out they have forgotten to eat for the last 6 hours. For me, whilst I’m not a doctor so I can’t diagnose what’s wrong, I feel like I am a lot more aware of it. To put it into perspective, I once knew that I would vomit over an hour before I actually did. When I say as an Si user that I am in tune with my body, I mean it. To me it is a disturbance to my internal homeostatic environment, so some thing being off is a big deal. But as such, it impacts me a lot more in my day to day life. I can’t focus on work if I’m hungry because I am so aware of it. Whereas N’s can probably focus until they pass out if some thing has caught their interest. The combination for me of knowing how my body feels and liking routine was repeatedly able to bamboozle the ENFP and INFJ I mentioned before, when I brought essentially the same lunch to work every day. To them, they couldn’t see how I could enjoy repeatedly eating the same thing. But for me, I knew it satisfied me for the rest of the day but not so much that was uncomfortable, was relatively healthy and cheap and the repetition was soothing rather than boring. The ENFP was particularly bad at judging the right amount of food she needed or wanted but didn’t have the same ability to learn from her mistakes and find a formula that did. She just brought something new each day and hoped for the best - something very odd to me. Sorry that this ended up being so long. I just didn’t want to miss any details out (pun intended). Feel free to use any of this that you need in any way. Even if you don’t use it in a post, I hope it helps your own understanding for typing people etc. :)

ENFP Mod: Thanks! I enjoyed reading it, and am posting it, since it may help others understand Si-dom better. :)

Study Break (Branjie) -Peridot

A/N: I don’t really know where this came from, and it’s a little late seeing exam season is over for most people, but here’s a fluffy teen Branjie au that is partially based off of a friend of mine. Sorry if it seems a little rushed. Let me know what you think of this lil story (either here or on my side blog @peridot-aq). Hope you enjoy!

It was about 3am when Brooke realised that her back was hurting.

It was no surprise to her. After all, she’d been sitting in close to the exact same position since about 11 the previous morning- bent over the small desk in her bedroom, trying to cram years worth of information into her brain all at once. And she had been bent over for a similar amount of time the day before. And the day before that. And the day before that.

What was more surprising was that she was only noticing the pain now. She supposed she’d been too distracted by Henry the Eighth and all six of his wives to notice.

She stood up and stretched out her arms, trying to ease the discomfort slightly when she heard her phone buzz. It took her by surprise, and she jumped slightly at the sudden noise of the vibrations against the wooden desk. She tapped on her phone and read the short message that illuminated the screen.

V: mandatory text to make sure you’re not still studying

Brooke smiled to herself. Vanessa knew her too well. It wasn’t the first time she’d caught her revising into the depths of the night. She decided not to reply -favouring ignoring the text to facing Vanessa’s inevitable disappointment- but another persistent message came through a few seconds after.

V: I can see you’ve read it, bitch Shit. In her sleep-deprived state, that hadn’t occurred to Brooke. She quietly chuckled as she pattered out a quick reply.

B: …oops?

V: BROOKE LYNN HYTES I SWEAR TO GOD V: call me Brooke pushed in her office chair and flopped onto her bed, finally giving in and abandoning her hours of work. She felt guilty in doing so, as if she was betraying her own ambitions in favour of a phone call with a friend. But, God knows that Brooke needed that phone call to set her straight.

She quickly scrolled through her contacts, finding Vanessa’s name towards the bottom of the list accompanied by several purple heart emojis that Vanessa had added when she’d put her number into the phone. She tapped ‘call’, the sound of Vanessa’s loud voice filling Brooke’s ears after just one ring.

“Bitch, why the hell are you awake!”

Brooke’s phone wasn’t on speaker, but the sheer volume of Vanessa shouting down the phone was enough to fill the silence of her bedroom.

“Keep it down a little, my parents are asleep.”

“You should be too, bitch! I’ve told you before to give yourself a break, you’re gonna burn yourself out if you keep doing this.”

Although Brooke knew that Vanessa was right (and she was already feeling the effects of weeks of revision taking a toll on her body), she still made a weak attempt to defend her decision. “I’m just really stressed out about history, I don’t know anything and my parents will kill me if I don’t get an A.”

“You know that’s not true. They love you, they’ll be proud of you no matter what, you know that. And there’s no way in hell you don’t know anything. You haven’t left your damn house in like two weeks!”

“Hey, I went grocery shopping yesterday!”

Vanessa cursed on the other side of they phone, making Brooke smile. “That doesn’t count.”

“Uh, it a hundred percent does. I was out of the house and I got a two for one deal on strawberry laces, thank you very much.”

Vanessa’s laughter crackled from Brooke’s phone, echoing in the silence of her dark bedroom. Her laugh was wild and addictive, making Brooke chuckle quietly to herself alongside her.

“You better have saved some for me.”

“Sorry V, they’re all gone.”

“Thought you got two for one?”

“I ate both of them earlier,” Brooke announced almost proudly. “I can’t believe you would doubt my ability to eat two full packets in a day. That really hurts my feelings, you know.”

“I hate you,” she joked, Brooke able to clearly picture the eye roll that most likely accompanied Vanessa’s words. “Tell you what, though- I’ll buy you another packet if you come on a picnic with me tomorrow.”

Brooke sighed. “I can’t do tomorrow, I have to study.”

“No you don’t, bitch. You’ve been studying 24/7, you probably have the whole textbook memorised.”

“But it’s my last exam and it’s in less than a week and if I put in the hard work now then maybe down the road I’ll be-“

“Fuck hard work. You deserve a break. And it’s only a picnic, it’s not like I’m getting you wasted.”

Brooke paused for a moment, feeling a dull pang of guilt in her stomach as she let herself be convinced by Vanessa. “Fine. But I’m only coming out for a couple hours, no longer.”

“Yay! Be at mine for like 12, “ Vanessa gushed, her happiness very apparent from just a subtle change in her vocal timbre.”I knew you’d come around to it.”

“Hey, I’m only coming for the strawberry laces.”

Vanessa couldn’t manage to suppress her laughter on the other end of the line, a warm buzz in Brooke’s ear. “Whatever, bitch. Now get some damn sleep.”

Brooke wished she could say that she slept well that night.

The next morning Brooke’s tired eyes fluttered open at 10am, her head weighing her down like a paperweight as she tried to sit up against the headboard. She rubbed her eyes, blinking as her eyes adjusted to the light streaming through her curtains. Her head was cloudy. It still swirled with waves of fatigue that still remained after a poor night’s sleep, full of stress and worry and seemingly endless hours of staring at the ceiling. She was so fucking tired. Even if she had gone to sleep at a reasonable hour, her fears of failure would have been enough to disturb her rest. Each heavy blink willed her to give in to her exhaustion and let her head fall back onto the pillow, each yawn pulling her back into unconsciousness for just a moment. But, checking the time on her phone, she managed to convince herself to get up. She had plans, after all. The first plans she’d had in weeks.

She swung her feet onto the cold wooden floor and stretched her arms far above her head, feeling dizziness wash over her for a second or two before the blood rushed back to her brain. As she stretched she once again became acutely aware of the discomfort in her back. She’d have to get someone to check that out.

Her feeling of tiredness followed her as she took a shower, the warm water that broke over her head only lulling her back into relaxation. It followed her as she got dressed, as she tied up her still wet hair into a ponytail, and as she swiped concealer over her the purple circles under each of her eyes, her body feeling worn out and weary the whole morning.

As she started to make her way out of her bedroom her eye caught her desk, littered with pink and green flash cards and textbooks and crumpled paper. The neon highlighters that were scattered on its wooden surface seemed aggressively bright in her sleep-deprived state. An impulse told her to sit down, grab a pen and start her cycle of work over again, but thoughts of Vanessa pulled her out of the trance, convincing her it was a bad idea. So, she waltzed through her bedroom door, any hope of productivity abandoned, for a few hours at least.

She gathered her keys, sunglasses and a few coins into a small bag and quickly grabbed a punnet of strawberries and a jar of Nutella from the fridge- a poor excuse for a picnic contribution but the best she could do so last minute- and tossed them into an old plastic bag. She scribbled out a note on a scrap piece of paper telling her parents where she’d gone, and with only a small amount of guilt, left the house.

Brooke knocked on Vanessa’s door, now feeling not only groggy but also hungry, realising she’d skipped breakfast. Her solution was clear, however, when Vanessa arrived at the door with a very large basket bundled up in her arms, tin foil wrapped packages practically spilling out from underneath the lid. She greeted Brooke with a warm smile and yelled out a goodbye to her mother inside the house before stumbling down the front step, the large basket in danger of toppling her over.

Vanessa set the basket on the ground and threw her arms around Brooke, her excitement discordant with Brooke’s fatigue. Brooke leaned into the embrace, resting her cheek against Vanessa’s dark hair as she squeezed her waist and nuzzled into the taller girl’s shoulder.

“Hey, sis. You ready?” Vanessa asked, breaking the hug to attempt to lift the huge basket once again.

“Yup,” Brooke replied with a nod. “You need a hand with that?”

“Please.”

Brooke bent down and hauled it up and onto her shoulder, straining slightly under its sheer weight but insisting to Vanessa that it wasn’t a problem. “You went a little overboard with the food,V. We’re never gonna eat all that.”

“What can I say, my mamma’s Latina, she likes to cook,” Vanessa giggled as the two started to walk down the street.

They strolled together for a few minutes until they reached a small park nearby Vanessa’s neighbourhood. Red-painted fences surrounded the area, complete with flower beds and cobbled paths and grass that seemed too green and too striking to be real. Vanessa picked a spot underneath a large tree, branches and blossoms and hundreds of green leaves providing a little shade from the bright July sunshine. She dug into the basket which Brooke had quickly discarded onto the ground and produced a blue tartan blanket, attempting several times to spread it out onto the grass without it folding underneath itself. Brooke laughed, enjoying the visual of the small girl wrestling with the fabric. When Vanessa finally succeeded (after a few profanities and a little help from Brooke), the two climbed onto the blanket, Vanessa leaning against the tree and Brooke sitting cross-legged opposite her.

“Oh, almost forgot,” Vanessa mumbled. Brooke watched her reach into her back pocket before tossing a red packet her way, hitting her square in the face and making Vanessa chuckle.

The strawberry laces.

“I’m a woman of my word.”

Brooke laughed to herself as she was reminded of their deal. “Thanks, bitch.”

The sweets were quickly forgotten, however, as the two dove into the basket Vanessa’s mother had prepared. Brooke’s Nutella and strawberries were abandoned in the bottom of her bag, easily replaced by homemade burritos and croissants with jam and sandwiches. She ate as much as she could, savouring each rich taste on her tongue, until she was sure she couldn’t eat anymore. Despite the two having barely made a dent in Vanessa’s stash, they were both satisfied, Brooke becoming even more tired as a result.

They talked a little more, basking under the heat of the sun, their conversation turning back to school and exams.

“I’m really happy you’re taking a break, bitch.”

“I guess I am too. I like spending time with you.”

Vanessa flashed her a grin, her nose scrunching up at the compliment. “Good. You deserve some time to yourself, you’ve been stressing yourself out.”

“Yeah, I have. It’s been hell. Bending over my desk has started to hurt my back, too.” Brooke laughed at her statement, but Vanessa seemed less than pleased.

“Hold up, bitch. You’re telling me you’ve been studying enough to make your back hurt?”

Brooke bit her lip, holding back a laugh at seeing Vanessa get worked up. “Yeah, but it’s not a big deal.”

“Yes it is, Miss Brooke Lynn! Exams are bad enough for your mental health, I can’t have your physical health getting fucked up too.”

Brooke couldn’t help but giggle a little, failing to see the importance of Vanessa’s point. “I’m fine, V, really.”

“Oh no you’re not. That’s it. C’mere. I’m giving you a back massage.”

Brooke’s small giggle grew into a full belly laugh, finding the idea of Vanessa karate chopping into her back a very comedic prospect. Regardless, Vanessa pulled Brooke’s wrist until she had manoeuvred her to lean back against her, her own back still resting on the tree trunk.

Vanessa’s first movements were tentative and gentle grips onto Brooke’s shoulders, making her shift and wriggle, unable to suppress her fits of giggles. Vanessa became increasingly frustrated at her for not taking it seriously, which only made Brooke want to wind her up more. She was cute when she agitated.

“Brooke Lynn Hytes I swear….. quit squirming, bitch, this is supposed to be relaxing!”

She smirked to herself. “I am relaxed. You seem to be pretty worked up, though.”

“Shut up already.”

“You can’t make me,” Brooke teased.

In one quick motion Vanessa pushed Brooke up slightly and leaned over her, her face hovering centimetres above Brooke’s. Without warning she pressed a kiss into her lips. Brooke’s heart jumped in surprise, all of her senses going into overdrive. It was unexpected, addictive, exciting, and made Brooke want to hold her close like she’d never thought about before. She was suddenly aware of the beauty of her the girl in front of her- dark eyes and golden skin, the softness of her cheek and her hair against her skin, and the perfect cherry lips that were connected to her own. She relaxed into the kiss, closing her eyes and deepening it for just a second before Vanessa pulled away, the heart-stopping moment ending two seconds after it had started.

That shut her up, alright.

She found a smile creeping onto her face, mirrored by Vanessa’s own grin. Her mind was buzzing, unable to form a coherent sentence but willing her to speak, to say something. “Vanessa… you should’ve, I… I didn’t know-“

“Shush, not now baby. We can talk about it later. Now I just want you to relax, okay?” Vanessa spoke softly in her ear, bringing Brooke down from the electric moment with a hand on her hair.

Brooke found her tired body leaning back against Vanessa almost subconsciously, this time appreciating the comfort and safety of Vanessa’s arms around her as she resumed her rubbing on her back. Any thoughts of exams or stress were forgotten. Instead, her thoughts were consumed by Vanessa. She focused on everything around her, trying to take in as much as she could and commit the experience to memory.

The smell of grass and fresh air and Vanessa’s perfume.

The sound of the wind and the leaves and Vanessa’s words in her ear.

The feeling of the sun on her skin and Vanessa’s right hand on her shoulder and her left stroking her hair.

The cherry taste of Vanessa’s lips still lingering on hers.

And before she knew it, her heavy eyelids fluttered closed and she slipped into a dream, finally giving in to the tiredness that had been with her all day. Vanessa held her close and planted a small kiss on the top of Brooke’s head.

“Sleep well, Brooke.”

Hey! Congratulations, you did really well in your LC! I was wondering, do you have any tips for people who are going into 6th year? Also, how did you study for Geography? It's so difficult to learn off lists of information 😰

Thank you so much!! :D

And believe me when I say that you already have most of the work done in 5th year! 5th year was wayyy more stressful than 6th year because by April you honestly are just so done with this whole Leaving Cert thing you don’t even care anymore! The *best* study tips that I can give you for going into 6th year, however are:

Take rough notes in school and then rewrite them over the weekend, making them pretty and colourful and breaking all the information down into small bullet points, because lets face it, teachers give wayyy more info that what’s necessary, and by rewriting it, not only can you cut things out, it also helps you remember the topic better, and when your notes are cute and pretty looking, you’ll actually want to study from them!

Download or print out the syllabus for each subject and only write notes for those topics! I found that in a lot of subjects, especially theory heavy ones like biology, the teacher gave way too much information than what was required, and you can still can full marks by cutting out those unnecessary points!

I used a colour-scheme for highlighting which actually helped a lot! For example, I used yellow for headings and subheadings, orange for definitions, blue for people’s names, green for examples, purple for quotes and pink for dates. This way, when you’re revising or doing your homework and you’re looking for a particular definition or an example, you can immediately find the colour highlighter and the information that you’re looking for!

This website : https://www.examinations.ie/exammaterialarchive/  should be your best friend! I know you’re probably sick of hearing this, but doing exam papers and checking the marking scheme afterwards really does help! That way you can learn exactly what you need to get full marks

Subject wise:

When it comes to studying maths, especially for higher level, just reading your notes and doing the same example questions over and over again won’t cut it. I did this throughout my 5th year, and ended up doing great on class tests before almost failing my summer exam. Teachers usually use the examples they gave you in class tests, and I ended up memorising these examples instead of actually learning the methods! So once again, exam papers are your friend.

For English, even though there is an awful lot to learn, you just need to remember key words, and you’ll sail through. In the comparative, for example, you need to compare your texts in every. single. paragraph. You could write a fantastic essay, but if you don’t say “In comparison to this…” “Text 2 however differs from this…” “Similarly…” “The two texts are different in the sense that…” etc. you will get veryyy low marks. In the same way, when answering your poetry question, you need to keep referring to the style of the poet. Every past poetry question can be broken down into two simple questions: What did the poet write about? and how did they say it? If you can answer both these questions on every poem you learn, you’ll do brilliantly! Also, don’t bother learning any more than 5 poems from each poet, and don’t learn more than 5 poets to begin with. By doing this and learning 25 poems in total, you’re covering yourself completely!

Languages are more tricky to study for, but what helped condense the information you need to learn for me, was treating the oral and the written paper as the same exam. For example, if I learned off a paragraph about my family for the oral, then I would learn that paragraph again for the written paper, instead of learning a new paragraph or adding sentences. This way, when you’re studying for the written exam, you won’t have to learn off new paragraphs, because you’ll still remember some of what you learned for the oral! Aural tests are the worsttt and very difficult to study for, so your best bet is to just learn off the most common place names that come up, numbers and dates, and (for German at least) types of weather. Be sure to read the syllabus for the aural exam because in some cases, if you just guess and write down what you *think* the tape might have said, they’ll give you half marks!

Biology is all about the diagrams! That’s what got me through that huge ream of information. If you learn off the diagram, then you already have a rough idea of what’s going on. Learnt the diagrams as if you’re trying to teach it to someone else, and honestly, this makes it so much easier to learn! It especially helps with similar topics such as respiration and photosynthesis, the carbon cycle and the nitrogen cycle, etc. and really helps you to distinguish one from one another. Then, in the exam, you can just draw a quick sketch in pencil at the top of your page, and refer to it every time you get confused or stuck when explaining something.

Geography did have a lot of information to learn off and is marked rather harshly. However if you go through past exam papers you will find certain topics that come up every single year eg. Fluvial processes. For me, I studied those guaranteed topics (or mostly-guaranteed topics) really well, and then had a rough overview of the rest of the book. Also, in every answer make sure that you give an example and for the love of god, learn your damn exam diagrams!!! They are literally the best thing ever because if you need 15 points in an answer, then a diagram can count for up to 3 of those!! And even if you’re certain that you have written enough points, put one down anyway because you never know how mean your examiner might be! With that note, for every 2 marks a question is worth, you need 1 SRP (significant relevant point), a sentence that contains a solid fact or example. Eg. For a 30 mark question, you need to give 15 SRP’s, for a 20 mark you need 10SRP’s, etc. etc. Also, learn the theory and the case studies as one answer! So instead of writing down that an earthquake happened in Japan on March 11, 2011 and it was magnitude 8, write down how earthquakes occur and what magnitude means and that for every 1 jump you make on the Richter scale the earthquake becomes 10 times as powerful. You need to pretend that the examiner is stupid and has no idea what earthquakes or volcanoes or tertiary activities are, and that way, you are maxmising your SRP’s. Answer every question as if you’re explaining the topic to a 3-year-old! Your short questions, individual long questions, elective, and option answers are all worth the same exact 80 marks. So do not disregard the short questions because they’re worth the same 16.66% as every other question you answer. Also, if your option is Geology like mine was, then your fucking sorted man! Every single year has at least one questions on biomes, whether it’s the human activity or the characteristics so just learn that and you’re sorted! No joke, there were 10 people in my Leaving Cert Geography class and not a single one of us knew anything about soil or soil processes or characteristics. We all just learnt our biome, and that was it!

6th year is scary and stressful and at times you will want to just bury yourself in your bed and cry, but you will get through this! Just calm down, breathe, take a moment, and remember that even your worst days can only ever last 24 hours. Millions and millions and millions of people have survived the LC and you will too! And this time, next year, you will be collecting your official certificate from your school and wondering just what the hell the fuss was all about!

I hope that these tips/pieces of advice helped, and if you have any other questions please please please feel free to ask me because I really could have done with an Irish studyblr back when I was in your position!

And always always always always alwaysssss remember, that you are more important than your grades! It doesn’t matter if you’re aiming for 10 points or the full 625, your health and your well being and your happiness is so so so much more important that what you get at the end of the day! Do not let your good grades be at the expense of your mental or physical health because while the Leaving Cert is such a huge deal to you right now, in 5 years time, it won’t matter anymore. So please please pleaseee take care of yourself and always put yourself first! 😘

Imperfect-Study's Study Survival Guide

Disclaimer: I’m an Aussie so some of this advice will relate more specifically to VCE than other international systems. Also this is what works for me personally, it may not work for you.

1. COMPLETE PAST EXAM PAPERS I can absolutely not stress enough how valuable these are, I complete as many as I can possibly get my hands on. (For Victorians, VCAA has previous exam papers for every year and every subject published on their website. It’s a new study design this year for most subjects (2017) so keep an eye out for any questions on topics you won’t need to know. You should also be able to find stacks of “unofficial” papers from various companies) -I didn’t usually worry about time limits or being under exam conditions. Reality is that your parents are going to interrupt you to ask you to unpack the groceries or you’re in the middle of babysitting your siblings or something. There’s nothing wrong with completing sections at a time.

-The more you do, the faster you’ll become. Your thinking processes will become more efficient, you’ll write faster, and you’ll begin to whip through any multiple choice sections.

-If you really struggle staying within time limits, my psychology teacher recommends practicing “one minute per mark” e.g. Only spend 4 minutes on a question worth 4 marks

-I found, especially with my science classes: one mark will equal one dot point.

-Try to stay within the space you’ve been given. Sometimes you haven’t been given enough space or you need to go over to get your point across but most of the time you’re just not being concise enough. Work on it and think about how you write your answers before you commit them to paper.

2. GO THROUGH YOUR COMPLETED EXAM PAPERS AND EXAMINER’S REPORTS This is just as important as completing the papers themselves. Here’s some specific advice: - If you’re going through the 2016 Biology Exam and see that only 16% of the state got full marks on a cellular respiration question, you should study cellular respiration inside out. Make it your strength. Cohort’s don’t change much, weakness don’t change year to year. If you see that under 50% of the state is getting full marks on questions about a particular topic, you make sure you know that topic and you’ll have one up on most of the state.

-Make a list of every topic you got wrong, be specific (do this for every test or set questions you do for a class). Note if you got it wrong because you didn’t read a question or if you didn’t know enough about a topic. You’ll see patterns. In math, I kept on missing out on the end of a question that mentioned how many significant figures to round to; I picked up my mistake and fixed it. In biology, I regularly got questions about whether a solution was hypertonic, hypotonic, or isotonic wrong: I focused on osmosis for a while in my bio class and got better. There’s always a pattern in your errors. Find it.

-Look out for topics that reappear pretty regularly. Questions about that topic can be VERY similar in each exam E.g. If you go through VCAA biology exams you’ll find pretty much the same transcription and translation question every year. I became familiar with responses out of examiner’s reports for these types of questions and was able to use them out in my exam (or at least apply them). It’ll make you feel more familiar with your exam when you sit it, maybe even make it more predictable.

3. DISCIPLINE > MOTIVATION

For the first 2-4 weeks of the year motivation will have you studying from the minute you get home til the second you shut your eyes to sleep. You won’t even feel like having breaks. Next minute you’re in the midst of the month of hell (i.e. May), you have three assessments this week, you managed to get an hour of study done this weekend. I don’t really think of discipline in the normal way when it comes to study, for me it means knowing how I work best and how to keep myself on track without relying on random energy spikes.

-Get in the habit of breaks from the very first day of term 1. You may not feel like it because you’re well rested, fresh off the beach, and motivated to get sh*t done. But take them. You’ll get so so sick of studying early on and you’ll burn out well before Easter holidays.

-Work out when you work best. If you are one of those people who can get up at 6am and work productively (please tell me your secrets) then do that. I study in the afternoon, usually from 4:30-5:00pm onwards.

-Work out how long you’re able to work at your best each day.I study 45-60 minutes per subject (I have 4 ¾’s) with 10-15 breaks in between. A guy in my class will study in 20 minute blocks with 5 minute breaks in between. Sometimes I don’t worry about timing myself and will just have breaks after I’ve completed a task. Don’t be afraid to change it up, especially if you’re tired.

-Also this may be contradictory to my main point, but “if you don’t feel like painting, don’t paint” (Credit to random ATAR Notes guy). You need to keep an eye out for when you need to take a night off. Sometimes you just need to take a nap. Interpret that quote however you want, it just felt like good advice to me.

4. COMPARE THE PAIR I’m really conflicted about comparing myself to others. VCE is a system entirely structured around rankings. Your study scores are ranks based of where you sit in the state which are based of where you rank in your class. I’m a very competitive person, so comparing myself to others motivates me. However there’s a line to this. It’s significantly less stressful to run your own race. I can’t just tell you to stop comparing your marks to others, because I know it just isn’t that easy. Just try and recognise your own progress too.

-Try working on your perception of failure. Harness it to motivate you to do better next time.

5. TEACHERS Your teachers teach the same content every year, they know it all back to front. Use them.

-If at any point in time you think “I don’t get this” write it down, sticky note it, set a reminder to ask your teacher about it. Question, question, question.

-Learn their approach to teaching early on. My math teacher lets everyone work at their own pace while my health teacher is free with detention slips when worksheets are handed in late. Try and get on their good side.

-Your teachers mark your assessments, if they hint at anything to do with how they mark, write it down and keep it in mind. Also they may have previously marked exams for VCAA, if so they’ll what you need to include it certain types of questions to get full marks. They’re like a walking, talking previous-exam report. Ask for their advice.

-If you really struggle learning from your teacher, ask your classmates (remember you guys are a team NOT competition), visit forums, and seek out other teachers who also teach the subject. Even if your teacher is great do this. The more people explain something to you, the more you’ll get it and the easier you’ll remember it.

-Don’t be afraid to send them emails, they take their job home

-Ask them to mark any extra questions you do out of your textbook. You often will not have the answers yourself and they can give you feedback

6. GET AHEAD DURING THE SUMMER HOLIDAYS Phew I feel like this stuff is getting out of order by now, but here we are. Doing this will take a whole heap off pressure off you at the start off the year.

-Number 1 thing to do is to complete set holiday homework. There’s nothing worse than starting the school year behind in your work.

-Read your English texts. I had four novels. Write or find chapter summaries for them. Reread them if you have time. You need to be familiar with the characters, themes, and plot. You do not want to be reading 1984 in the middle of August.

-Skim through your textbooks. Summarise chapters.

-Start a list of terms you need to know for each class

-Practice writing, doesn’t have to be essays or anything. The worst thing is coming back to school feeling like you’re wording your sentences weirdly.

-Get to know the study design. Know what you don’t need to know. 7. ACTUAL STUDY It took a more that a few paragraphs to get to the point. -I hate cue cards, they don’t work for me at all. If you haven’t used them to study before, don’t spend hours writing them out for a whole textbook. Try them out with a few definitions and if they work then continue. Don’t force it just because it’s a popular technique.

-I don’t usually hand write notes, it takes a lot of energy and I get sores from pressing on the paper too hard. I type out my notes. It’s up to you as to what you do

-To memories a concept I’ll retype a whole document paragraph by paragraph to remember it (with the paragraph i’m copying scrolled up out of sight). If you prefer writing then try rewriting each paragraph. (This is my main study method)

-To do well you need to know your content and how to play the game. I can’t specifically tell you how to do this but you need to know how to answer questions. This goes back again to doing practice exams

-Have a conceptual understanding of the context. Memorisation can only get you so far. It ultimately comes down to being very familiar with content. To explain: By the time I completed four units of VCE biology I had been introduced to around 600 new terms. Every year there is at least one question that’ll ask for a definition. Now biology is already a very content heavy subject, I couldn’t go out and learn 600 definitions by heart. In the exam I was asked to define ‘vaccine.’ I didn’t know the textbook definition of ‘vaccine,’ but I knew about vaccines, I knew a key word would be ‘attenuated.’ So I came up with a definition from there. Ultimately you need to be able to apply the information you know to unknown situations.

-Immerse yourself in the subject. Make posters and stick them on your fridge and on the toilet door. You may not even read them, but the topics will always be in your face keeping your knowledge fresh in your mind

-Look at as many sources of information as possible, if you see the information in different forms you’ll develop a far better understanding of it. Read your textbook, old textbooks, your notes, company notes, teacher PowerPoints, articles. Trade notes with your friends. Watch YouTube. 8. LOOK AFTER YOURSELF I actually hate that I’m putting this in here. So stereotypical of a study guide.

-have little control of what food I eat, I get what I’m given in my household. So if I’m not eating well I can’t change that. I’m sure nearly all students are in the same position. As much as I would love to have a detox juice for breakfast it’s not going to happen. Just make sure you’re eating enough energy-wise

-Life gets in the way of exercise. I walk to and from school every day and this is enough for me to have a break and think.

-Get to bed before midnight. Sleep is the one thing I will stress about to you. If you aren’t getting enough rest you will burn out. School is tiring even when you’re getting 8 hours of sleep. I’m still working on this one (btw it’s 12:48am atm). School is so much more enjoyable when you’re well rested.

-If you’re overwhelmed, take a long bath or shower. You need to give yourself some time out sometimes

9. ORGANISATION

-I recommend having a diary or at least a notebook where you can write things down

-Write down every piece of set homework, even if you think you’ll remember it because you probably won’t.

-My diary is more of a to-do list. I write down everything that I want to get done in a week, including set homework and study. That way when I have free periods at school and when I get home I know exactly what I can do with my time.

-Highlight important events such as tests and due days so you won’t forget them or look over them in your planner

-Apart from my diary, I write very specific to-do lists for each day. This is especially helpful on weekends and holidays when you don’t have the routine of school

-Pack your bag the night before. It’ll mean one less thing you have to do in the morning and 10 minutes of extra sleep.

So. Hello there. It’s been a while since I’ve written anything personal on this blog and I usually do that when I need to get my mind off pressing issues by ranting about them so. I guess that’s what I’m about to do right now? Except that the issue isn’t really... pressing, per se. It’s just a culmination of everything that’s happened ‘til now I guess. 

I think I’m depressed. I know that I’ve been saying this to myself over and over again. And I definitely feel like I’ve been depressed for a really long time so I really don’t know why stating it now even makes a lick of difference. 

I don’t know. The only other people I’ve ever told about this, I mean outrightly, were my parents and some internet friends. And maybe I’ve told a few irl friends? But idk, I guess I just never made it a big deal to them even though I guess it is. There are just a few things that happened lately that made me think about all of this. Again. 

So. Lots of things happened this year. I umm finally graduated uni, hurray? And then. Without even getting a tiny bit of space for some much needed R&R after a very stressful semester, we drove right back in for our review sessions for our licensure exams. Long story short, I am now a licensed electronics engineer in my country, hurray?

That sentence you know? “I am now a fully licensed engineer!” It should really spark some kind of pride within me you know? And it does. Kind of. I did put in SOME time into it so I definitely feel like I deserve some credit but. 

I never admitted this to ANYONE outside of my family but. Every single day after listening to the review lectures, trying to absorb all that content, yadda yadda. Every single day after the review. Do you know what I did? I just played games. 

I know it sounds anticlimactic like, aw dude is that it? It’s ok to take a break sometimes man. But you don’t understand. While my friends and my other peers were tearing their hair out studying really hard, memorising formulas, making reviewers and reading every single possible source material available, what in the hell’s name was I doing? I was playing. An online mobile game. For days on end. 

Like? I know. I knew. I knew that what I was doing was stupid. That what I was doing was self-destructive. That in the end all this was going to achieve was setting myself down a slippery slope and causing grief to my parents who put in the time and money to send me to that review center. I mean, I still went to all my lectures! Most of them. And you know the funny part is that I DO want to learn. I think it’s great to learn all kinds of things but its just that. Reviewing? Studying? I have NEVER been great at that stuff. Never. Not even in uni. I like learning. I really do. But something as rigid as sitting for HOURS AND HOURS on END reading and memorising nothing but words and numbers that really don’t mean anything to me is just so. Anal. And un-engaging. And I can’t focus.

I WENT to the lectures and I LISTENED. Really listened. Tried to absorb all that shit. But this wasn’t like uni where I just had to focus for a few hours a week then once the quizzes and exams were done, I could just flush all that info down the toilet. No, this was a 6 month affair. And I wanted to do it right! I really did. I even bought all kinds of crap to help me organize and I wrote a bunch of formulas on some sticky notes and stuck them on my walls and door. They’re still right here in my room as I write. I still haven’t torn them down! Or deleted the pictures of slides I took that I never even once looked at cause I’m a dumb piece of garbage. Why do I even bother.

Anyway. Somewhere down the road I got tired. I got tired of putting in any effort into something I couldn’t care less about. Or maybe I was just never capable of such things idk. Even the moment where I told my dad that I was finally an engineer, jumping up and down. It was so. Empty. There was feeling of relief and jesus DISbelief. But like. In the end its like. Okay, so what? I mean. I did not take this shit seriously like. At all. I mean, I binged Stranger Things S3 in the middle of the review while my “friends” were saying things to my other friends shit like, wow cant believe you have time to do basic human things instead of studying? Like yikes but also jeez! I was supposed to be that frazzled but I just wasn’t cause I am flaming garbage fire who would much rather focus on other fictional characters’ lives instead of trying to face her own. 

Most of them were pretty much miserable while I was much less stressed but only in a reviewing-related sense. The stress I felt all those months was due to the insurmountable guilt I felt by not studying. My friends kept doing these Q&A’s and they must have noticed how I never quip in to answer cause I knew absolute jackshit. And. God I felt like literal walking poison then. Even the simple act of trying to maintain some semblance of camaraderie with these strangers (it’s simple since I’ve been doing it since Day 1) which btw was already jarring in and of itself, was taking so much out of me. Hanging out with these people felt like punishment. A reminder of how much I’m not doing enough. And in the end I was just as miserable as they were. I pretended of course. I pretended like it was fine. Like by the end of it, my life’s not gonna come crashing down on me cause I knew I was gonna fail.

There was this brief stint wherein I didn’t come to classes for a few days and I never told them why when they asked. I just said it wasn’t a big deal and I was gonna to start going again anyway. And how do you even begin to explain this sea of shit? And why would I? I don’t know these people. And they don’t know me. And I am not comfortable enough to share my vulnerabilities with them. How can I? I have nothing in common with them and they didn’t strike me as the type to have long emotional conversations anyway. (Except for you J**z, u da realest bidge out der)

And then there were my parents. My parents who saw how I acted at home. My parents who were the only reason I even tried to push this hard. They knew that all I did all day long was play games on my phone. Did they even do anything about it? Maybe an empty reprimand here and there and a disapproving look sprinkled in between but they don’t actually have any type of consequence attached to them. And you know, yeah I get it. I’m 24. I’m old enough to know what’s wrong and what’s right and what it is I’m actually supposed to be doing. I know they expected me to be responsible for myself but really? 

They never even asked me how I was doing. Nothing but reprimands and that’s only if they ever pass me in the hallway or have some kind of forced encounter with me. They never try to seek me out or express outright concern about my well-being. They never ask me, hey what’s really going on? Are you alright? Is there anything you want to talk about? Anything I can do to help? And it’s not like I made it so BLATANTLY OBVIOUS that I was not doing fine in terms of the reviewing or anything right? 

It was always just, why aren’t you studying more? Shouldn’t you be studying? Why are you always playing games? It’s like they expect me to be this person and if they knew me AT ALL, they would know that I’m not that person. I never was. And all it did was plough me with even more guilt, made me feel even shittier. 

But then they also just, treat me normally? Like nothing’s wrong and everything is right with the world. Like my life wasn’t five seconds away from bursting into flames right in front of their eyes. Like they couldn’t care less if I pass or fail. Because it’s my life not theirs.

Do you even realise? Do you even realise that the only reason I went down this road was just so I could satisfy you? To make amends for all that money you wasted on me in my first uni? Do you realise that the only thing that pushed me forward for all those years and these last 6 months were guilt? Do you know what that feels like? Waking up each day feeling obligated to live life for someone else’s sake. Someone who barely acknowledges all the effort you’ve put in? Do you even know who I am? What I like, what I do in my spare time, what my beliefs are? Do you know anything about your daughter at all? 

Do you even know how miserable your daughter is right now, writing this shitty rant at 6 in the morning cause she can’t sleep? Do you know how terrified she is right now because of so many uncertain things in her life? Do you know how much she’s wanted to kill herself over the past few years? Because of you? And yet you can’t even give her the barest amount of sympathy. All you care about are society’s expectation’s of you. Do you even ever care about me at all? As a person? But hey, at least now you get to boast about your engineer daughter. I’m happy for you.

The saddest part is that I know I’ll never ever get to have that kind  of conversation with them. Ever. Because God knows I’ve tried and I know. 

I know that my mom will find a way twist things in a way to make it seem like she’s the victim in all this. Like she’s the only one suffering. And how much her name will be besmirched if word gets out that her daughter has a mental illness and is suffering from suicidal ideations! Oh how scandalous! Who could have raised such a terrible child! Like I basically confessed to her that I WANT TO DIE EVERY SINGLE DAY and she was like THINK ABOUT ME AND WHAT THEY WOULD SAY ABOUT ME!! LIKE??? WHO IN THE FUCK EVEN ARE “THEY”!!! This is your daughter, basically pleading, crying for help and you. You just, don’t care. At all. You only care about yourself. That’s what it felt like. You might as well have said, suck it up chump cause that’s basically what I got from that conversation. You don’t care about me getting better.

And then there’s my emotionally constipated father who will either tell me that the reason I have these dark thoughts is because there are demons inside my head or be completely silent, pretending to give a shit before his fingers slowly inch towards the remote. Because screw me and my issues, right? He’s had a hard day at work, he deserves to relax. 

I honestly can’t tell who is worse.

So yeah. In this house, we pretend like we don’t have issues. Learned that the goddamn fucking hard way. Suck it up chumps. And they wonder why I don’t want to have children? Maybe because I don’t want to end up like you two.

To be fair, we do have our fun and I do love them despite their shortcomings. I guess this is just me wanting what I can’t have. I can’t expect them to be better. How do you even go about that? I don’t think they even realise that they need to be better. I think they think that they’re doing an okay job which, you know, false, so... I should just learn to deal. It’s depressing but even the people who brought you into this world can really just disappoint you like that.

Anyway. So yeah I can’t talk to anyone. I feel alone even when I finally have people around me. I’m finally free from all these big obligations. I finally have these successes to cover up the massive failures of the past. But it just feels empty and I still feel just as shitty as before. 

What now? I got lucky with my thesis and on one of my subjects and managed to graduate on time (relatively speaking). Then I got lucky again with my licensure exam and managed to eke out passing grade. Is that it though? Gonna rely on luck my whole life? Procrastinating ‘til the day I die? Fake it ‘til you make it or die trying? Killing myself from the anxiety of whether I crash and burn or fly and flourish? How am I even supposed to find a job with an academic record as dismal as mine? Do I even want to work as an engineer? Can I afford therapy when I work? From what I hear, millennials are highly underpaid and can barely make ends meet. I’m 24. I’m not as young as the newly graduates but I don’t even do my own laundry nor do I know how to. How is there any way out of this? How can I get better? Am I capable? Or was I always destined to die by the side of the road like a roadkill? I keep wanting things for myself yet look at me. I’ve been in my bed for nearly a week now. My hair is greasy and I feel gross. And I’ve missed several appointments. And even though I’ve had plenty of opportunity, I haven’t showered for a good 5 days cause my limbs feels heavy which makes no sense since I move around a lot anyway. And I always wanna eat shit and binge content all day long and get depressed when I run out of content so I resort to posting a rant at tumblr.com.

tl;dr: i suffer from impostor syndrome, i have mommy and daddy issues, i feel so utterly alone and i’m still depressed and everything is still shitty despite my “achievements”. 

So really. Nothing new. 

2017 in review; Busan

I am typing this as I sit at a table in the lounge area, in my hostel at Busan. It’s been a rather long day involving a lot of walking, so I’m feeling really tired right now and will probably make less and less sense as this post continues. I’ve been meaning to write a new post to you - future me, hello - for months, but never really got around to writing a full post. Instead, I just have a bunch of unfinished drafts sitting around, but I can’t continue those posts to their completion because, well, I forgot what I was thinking at that particular point of time. It’s kind of like half-eaten kimchi bought from the supermarket, long past its expiry date but you just can’t bear to throw it out. Or rather, you kept forgetting to eat it but don’t know if you want to throw them out?? I don’t know. Since everyone’s now coming up with their end-of-year reflections and waxing lyrical about all the personal growth they’ve accomplished in 2017 and their hopes for 2018, I figured tonight is the night to just get down to type out another nonsensical post.

I am seated about 50 centimeters away from the airbnb cat, which has just awakened from a short nap. It finishes licking its paw, does not even cast me so much as one gaze, before leaping from the sofa and back onto the parapet floor. It doesn’t really like me. Cats don’t like me very much, except for the one cat I hung out with at Gamcheon Culture Village today. It felt nice when it nestled against me and clung onto me, refusing to let go. It might be because of the fish and chips I had right before I met it. We will never know. I hope that when you’re reading this, you might have more popularity with cats than current me. 

Anyway. 2017 in review. Yes. 

Everyone who’s shared a “year in review” post so far are so happy, optimistic and philosophical about their lives. Well, I’m fine, I guess. Not as exuberant as them, but not too pessimistic either. I’m not sure when this happened, but if I were to weigh myself on a balance containing “Optimism” and “Pessimism”, the present me would definitely be leaning towards the “Pessimism” side. 

Truth be told, I’m not sure how much growing I did this year. I certainly did a lot of tangible things - which I’m tired of thinking of but have to continue thinking of because of fellowship applications - but on the intangible side, the emotional side, somehow, I feel very impoverished. This is the one year where all my new anxieties about “adulting” come out to play, because, well, it’s been a very busy year for me! Busiest year of my life, no joke. 

I know I was super stressed about getting a legit paid internship in the first 4 months. Boo, I didn’t get my first-choice internship (heritage consultancy in Hua Hin), but instead ended up in publishing, which was fun because I did a huge variety of jobs for 10 weeks! That first rejection was a blessing in disguise. Learning how to deal with rejection is one of the largest lessons I’ve learnt this year. I can’t say I’m now an expert in coping, but after being ignored for 10+ applications, embarrassing myself in front of NS and TTY, I feel my skin thickening ever so slightly. (But well, I applied for JET a while back, and the embassy hasn’t gotten back to me, so... into the septic tank my application goes.) 

Then, during the summer, my life revolved around 2 internships-GRE prep-helping Q with her documentary. Thinking back on those 3 months, I am pleasantly surprised that I managed a day job and studied for GRE at night, while simultaneously doing translations and helping with story-boarding for the documentary. I remember waking up at 7.45, leaving the house at 8, memorising vocabulary on the bus to work, and then resuming the memorisation when I board the bus for home after work. On the weekends, I went to Ubin and worked on my part-time internship. At home, I sat at my table and studied, just like the old days in JC, maybe even more studious than I had been... how strange it is, thinking back upon the summer. How strange it must have felt, studying for exams reminiscent of A-Levels. I remember thinking to myself that “Verbal” and “Quantitative” examinations are largely useless for anthropology masters or PhD. My mock exams were quite a mess, but I did rather well for the actual exam, aided (or impeded??) by my recurring IBS syndrome. I think I started studying 5 weeks before the exam? Hence, the extreme cramming. I don’t like it when smart people say the GREs are easy; as an average person, I don’t think they are easy to ace. All in all though, it was an exhausting summer. I really, really did not want to return to school for senior year, but somehow adjusted naturally when senior year began. But still, a summer like 2017-summer? Never. Again.

Even stranger is how, up to October, I was hell-bent on applying for graduate school this application cycle. But now I’m not. Now, I can’t be bothered to apply this cycle. I reached this decision after two bouts of tears hit me when I least wanted them to - the first, in C’s office; and the second, in a consultation with S. Then I realised that if I cried so fucking much about this grad school thing, maybe I’m not ready for it at all. I don’t know what I’m doing in life. So yes, future me, 2017-me did not have her shit together. I hope you do though! PLEASE. For the sake of us. 

This grad school thing is also tied in with a whole host of self-confidence issues, which I have related to several people in varying degrees. But if I were to post about the full extent of these issues at my lowest moments, I think you will hate me, future me. Even present me will just be depressed by past me. Anyway, I am quite un-confident about my future, but I do try to be hopeful and apply for things that I want.

Capstone was quite fun but mentally and physically exhausting. Y4S1 was strange. Hung out with friends here and there, hung out a lot with my suite mates, because they’re gone next semester. In doing so, neglected other friends; C expressed that she hasn’t hung out with me as much this semester. Struggled with a 17-MC semester that felt like a 27-MC semester. Which is weird because I did 29/30-MC semesters before and should be better than the shit senior that I am now.  

I’m procrastinating on capstone now, actually. Still trying to figure out how to do this capstone alongside my winter school commitments and exploration. I did end up reading 50+ pages of the novel for my winter school readings today though. Yay me. But no yay to the story because it’s very sad. Colonial Korea is a very sad place to live in as a woman. I should probably start writing my responses for the coming week tomorrow. 

And now. The million-dollar question. The cherry on top of the cake. Drum roll please. 

Where will I be this time next year??? 

This is the question I have been asking myself the whole semester. Well, fuck me, because I don’t know. I am legit scared and anxious because I feel very un-employable and I think things like: will any job even want me? what job do i even want? why am i such a pleb and just going through these motions of adulting? should i brave the winter cold to go down and buy cup noodles? 

But it’s also quite exciting, I admit. If it were me in a more adventurous and better mood, that version of me would think it to be exciting. But now I’m just very sleepy and craving some cup noodles but am too lazy to head down to the GS25 across the street in my 1-layer pajamas to get it. Even so, I’m still 99% anxiety and 1% excited usually. 

As a whole, it’s been a year filled with anxieties and cold calls and minor successes. Still don’t know where I’ll be, what I’ll be doing next year, but well, I’m too sleepy to care about indefinite things like a far-off future now. Also don’t know whether I really “grew up” more this year or not, but like i said, too tired so fuck it.

Because I am away in Busan for the weekend (and from Singapore for the next 2 weeks!!), the distance allows me some degree of breathing space from things like applying for jobs, writing my capstone, other miscellaneous matters like my RA thing. The list goes on...oops. 

Anyway. I’m doing fine now, future me. I have things to do, I know what they are. I just need to do them. I’m still anxious and un-confident, maybe even more so than my past selves, but I’ll continue doing the things that I can do in the present. 

16-year-old me wanted to grow to be a cool person that does amazing things, like a detective or something. 

22-year-old me still thinks the same, except she realises that she’s just a normal person after all.

Maybe growing up is just realizing that there is nothing special about who I am. And that it’s okay.       

Los objetivos del 2017

Now we finally come to my objectives for the year! A sort of New Year’s Resolutions which I had formulated at end-December 2016, but am only crystallising now, almost halfway through February of the new year.

Give me a break hahaha. I’m lazy about blog posts.

But I think I need to do this to give me a sense of direction for the year. Not that I’ve been drifting aimlessly for the past month and a bit – I’ve been quite busy with my schedule (which I draw up every week) but there hasn’t been an overarching aim to my activities.

Right, so, I’ve got a bunch of things lined up for this year. The first is, of course, to go to university (Cambridge!!!), and before that, find some way to (at least partially) fund the massive expenses of the course. The course fees alone are 40 000+ pounds per year, not to mention cost of living and college expenses.

Halp.

Okay, so I need to find a scholarship, bursary, or something to ease the financial burden. I’ve been looking around and found a few, now just have to apply and hope for the best!

(By that I mean apply and slay the interviews)

Next up, get a job. I have 2 offers, both in retail. Mum and Dad recommended I try retail because it’s not something I’ll probably ever do again (going to become a high-flying doctor lewl), and I agree. It’ll also improve my people skills and teach me how to be a salesman – the ability to sell things is always good to have in one’s bag of tricks. I’m more interested in one particular job which involves selling an air purifier, and I’m aiming to work part time so I can still do all the other things I want to. Let’s hope they take me! I’m not too worried about the money. I’m hoping to get like $1000 per month – I only want to work 3 days a week. Anyway, I’m not spending much at all – just last month my cash expenditure was $46 for the whole month. There’s not much for me to spend on, so I think $1000 per month is okay.

I’m also going to start volunteering again! I’ve already started with the Amriteswari Society at Bo Tien Temple. It felt good to go back to the food drive and help out. The people there are the same – just as friendly as before. I’m also trying to secure a spot in a nursing home right beside my own home. The volunteer co-ordinator lady said I could help out with Occupation Therapy and Physical Therapy (OTPT) of the residents (!!!!!). Quite an opportunity, really, I hope I can capture it!

Of course alongside those I have my guitar and driving exams. Guitar seems to be going okay. I’m not practicing right now as I’m in Kolkata lol. But I’ll have like a month after I get back, and I’ve memorised most of the scales. Mr Lim said my songs are pretty okay too. I hope I do well! There’s still aural to consider, though, which is a bitch. As for driving, BTT done, FTT almost done, secured PTIs but they’re not supposed to be that good. Honestly I tried so hard to find a PTI, but like every single one of them has some major issue. Like most reviews just said ‘DON’T LEARN UNDER HIM/HER’ for like ALL PTIs. Wtf why aren’t there any good, straightforward people teaching driving? No wonder Singaporeans sometimes get a bad rep as drivers. Anyway, I think I found some good PTIs, let’s see how it goes with them. I was hoping to do 2 lessons a week and fast game it so I could get my license by end March. That’s still the aim, but I don’t know if my instructor will let me go at my own pace like that. I will try my best to convince them though – I really want to get my license quickly.

And last but not least, sports! I’ve started playing tennis again, which is fun, and I want to get a lot better! I’ve figured out a bit of what’s my problem (match game not as developed as my rally game due to confidence, I believe), so I’m just going to try my best to focus on improving my game and not winning games. Losing isn’t okay but it’s acceptable if it’s a short-term result of trying to play harder and better. I’m also going to do Sailing starting March! I’m going to go for a course which will give me a license, then just sail for leisure. Quite looking forward to that. And MMA. I’m supposed to go twice a week. Now I haven’t paid yet so I’m not wasting money but I am wasting time. I’ve developed an inertia to going.

Every time I’m supposed to go, it ends up with ‘Myeaaaaaaahhhh….I’ve got some stuff do to, maybe when I’m back from Kolkata’

Okay, to be fair this has only happened twice, and I did have things to do in preparation for the trip, but it’s no excuse. I’m going to start going when I’m back. Seriously.

MMA is a good way for me to get fit and learn self-defence. The training is rigorous and will definitely make me much stronger, so I should go for it. It’s not too expensive either, considering I’m planning on going twice a week. Definitely worth it.

And of course, there’s the Europe trip! Well, planning seems on track. We’ve got a finalised itinerary, I’ve booked the plane tickets, Nic’s found out about transport between and within cities and Ben’s got some ideas on accommodation. We’ll meet up soon to thresh everything out properly, but it seems like the trip will be a success! It’ll definitely be fun though.

Right, so these are like the ‘hard objectives’ for the year – Scholarships and Funding, Employment, Guitar and Driving, Sports and the Europe Trip. Now for some ‘soft developmental goals’

The name sounds a bit dumb but basically the idea is that I want to improve myself as a person over the course of the year. At least till the time I’m in university. Now the tough things about these goals is that there is almost no tangible way to measure them, which makes achieving them and even tracking progress highly difficult. But I will endeavour to set and achieve them just the same.

So, first off, we know I’m a very disciplined person who can follow a schedule well. Too well sometimes – I can be quite inflexible and unwilling to deviate from a schedule. Hell, I get downright upset and cranky when people throw activities my way last minute. Like seriously, I had a good plan, and I could have easily worked in what you wanted me to do if you had told me earlier, but no. You had to tell me on the day itself when I’d already made a plan for a week. You’re going to throw my whole week out of wack.

See, that’s exactly the thought process I want to stifle. Life isn’t structured and scheduled like I want it to be. Sure, it is good (extremely good) to have a plan and a schedule, but, like Dad always says, the plan is there to help me. I shouldn’t become a slave to the plan, which is what happens nowadays. To some extent. Okay, to a large extent.

So basically, I want to be more flexible – retain my ability to plan and execute my plans, but also be able to handle the curveballs and exigencies others throw my way. I want to be able to change my plan to accommodate others while still being able to accomplish all I need and want to, without getting upset about it.

So, first SDG – be more flexible in terms of time. I’m not sure how I can measure this, but I think I’m making progress. After the stress of university applications was lifted, I find that I’m more…relaxed? And able to accommodate. I still get flashes of annoyance when people tell me to do things last minute, and do experience some resistance inside, but I definitely feel I’m getting better. I guess every time somebody throws something my way, I should try to soothe myself, not flare up, and instead look at the purpose behind the activity and how best to achieve it.

Next SDG – learn to respond, not react. Mum and Dad always tell me that there is a difference between a reaction and a response. A reaction is what I feel immediately after getting input. It’s unrefined, thoughtless and often downright visceral. It is usually a strong emotion which, if let out inappropriately, can hurt others and damage relations. A response is achieved after careful consideration of all factors, both external and internal, and the subsequent output. It’s always better to respond. A response can be emotional like a reaction, if the situation calls for it. The difference between the two is, that, in a response, you’re in control. In a reaction, you’re not. So, when younger and more impulsive, my main method of dealing with input was a reaction. I’m trying to change that to a response – a careful, measured output after considering all input. I’m not there fully, but I have, once again, made progress. I still react sometimes but often I do respond. I just need to increase the percentage of responses to 100%.

The thing is, I still often have a pseudo-reaction in the run-up to a response. Like, if I get some input, I will start processing it and considering all circumstances before arriving at a final plan of action – a response. But in the midst of processing, I will often vocalise, or make facial expressions which come off as a reaction and honestly do have the ability to hurt and damage. Hell, I’ve seen this with my parents – they tell me something, and then we get into an argument because of these micro-expressions and phrases. At the end, when I explain my full response, they are perfectly okay with it and agree completely, but were put off initially by what I said and expressed in the process of coming up with a response. So I need to control these micro-expressions, and ensure that I don’t allow these to surface, lest the world views me as somebody who reacts and doesn’t respond.

2nd SDG – learn to respond, not react, and exert control over what leaves my being in the process of generating a response.

I find that this applies to interviews as well. After I messed up Jardine, I told myself to listen, think and answer. Listen to the input, go through my mental library of things I’ve done and formulate an answer, then put it forth in a deliberate, measured manner. I think it helped for Imperial and UCL (although UCL aren’t getting back to me). It’s basically the same thing – respond to the question asked in an interview. In the Jardine interview, I think what went right was my preparation – I didn’t feel over- or under-prepared. What could have been improved as my execution – listen, think, answer. This little mantra only developed after my Jardine interview, in which I felt I didn’t answer all their questions as well as I should have. So, in future interviews, I will focus on intently listening to the question, thinking of how I can use my skills and experiences to support my answer for the question (and sell myself to an appropriate level simultaneously) and then answer in a measured, deliberate, controlled and confident manner. I may have messed up Jardine (and thereby lost the chance to reduce my university bill my half *cries*), but at least I now have something important which, I feel, will help me greatly in future interviews.

3rd SDG – learn to sell myself, but not over-sell. Dad always says my problem is I think what I’m doing is average. My academic results, ability in sports, music and community service are supposedly very impressive, but for me, they’re…normal. I’ve always been like this lol, so I don’t find anything spectacular about what I do. So the point is now to make people aware of what all I can do, but not too much – over-selling gives you the reputation of being a bad salesman at best, and a cheap prostitute at worst. Moderation is key! But I need to learn to let people know who I am and what I can do. I’m starting by leaking bits and pieces of my achievements and accomplishments into my conversations with people I just met, or people I want to impress. Not to my friends of course, I don’t need to sell myself to them haha. But I hope to be able to master this skill!

4th SDG – improve my memory. My parents always say that my memory is something extraordinary. I can remember things – even the smallest details of long gone events. It is true that my memory is quite a bit better than average – no doubt this helped me perform in school. But in the run-up to exams, I changed the way I approached knowledge – I focused on keeping a database and remembering how to access it. Dad’s point is that everybody can do that, and that’s not where my competitive advantage is. He understood why I did it – to perform well in exams and get into Cambridge. But now that that’s achieved, he thinks I can go back to how I was before; remembering for the sake of remembering, and relying on my strong memory. I’m definitely going to try to do this. To achieve it, I’ve stopped writing down what I learn. I’m trying to absorb and remember as much as I can from simply reading. For now I don’t remember as much as if I write it down, but I’m sure I’ll get better and be able to remember more and strengthen my memory even further.

So, quite a few goals for this 20-21 year old to accomplish this year. Get funding for Cambridge, pass my guitar and driving exams, get a good retail job, volunteer, take part and improve in a variety of sports (particularly tennis) and carry out a fantastic Europe trip. For my SDGs, I’m focusing on learning to be more flexible, controlling my responses and reactions to stimuli, learning how to sell myself appropriately and improving my memory. I hope I can achieve all these throughout this year – they will definitely help me grow as a person. But of course, over and above all these goals and objectives is to spend time with the fambam. I’m embarking on a new phase in life soon, and I will be the furthest away from my family for the longest time yet. It’s scary, but also exciting and I look forward to it. But before I go, I need to spend as much time as I can with my family – Mum, Dad and Scooby. I’m really going to miss them when I go…but c’est la vie. The young eagle must leave the nest to find his own hunting grounds.