I have to like. titrate how often I watch NJB videos bc the stuff he talks about makes me SO ANGY and then I have to go outside and DEAL with the stuff he's talkin about on a regular basis and I just combust into a ball of rage. but one thing that is comforting is that he seems to be just as furious especially since he also has to deal with asshats in his comments who have no listening comprehension or ability to think outside their own consumerism-addled brains

anyway fuck these stupid ass fucking trucks ✌🏿

in honor of totk NOT winning goty 🫡 here is my notes app from when totk first came out and I wrote all my thoughts abt the game down

-

today totk got released!! and I played for 8 hours straight 😭 I'm not suuper far in the game yet, I sort of just started the rito quest with tulin, but here are some things I love and dislike about the game so far:

first of all I love the archaic outfit 😊 however I'm very sad that it only does 1 protection because I wanted to wear it all the time AJDBAJDB

I love everything about the zonai, like the way they look, the music associated with them, the way they talk at the end of a shrine, the way you can tell something is of zonai make just by looking at it, like that's how you know a concept design is well done ✋ I'm so fascinated by how rauru looks, he's just so amazing

I do hate how extremely similar aspects of the great sky island are to the great plateau, though. "room of awakening" bro r u serious rn 😭 the way rauru follows you around like the king good bye. I just feel like this could have been done a little more uniquely so that it didn't feel like the great plateau with a texture pack slapped over it

there's also some things that I felt botw just did so much better than totk. like the way rauru's ghost would disappear felt very cheap and uneventful, like why does he just fade to 0 opacity and nothing else happens ?? at least with the king his ghost faded with the little blue flames and sparkles, it made it seem more interesting

I hate the inventory layout I'm sawryy 😭 the botw inventory looks very sleek and easy to comprehend, but the way the totk inventory is designed just feels very cheap and elementary to me. not the scrolling on one page instead of having multiple pages, that's not my issue. just the color design and how so much more information is crowded into each tiny box when you are selling things, it just confuses the player with too much info

uhh what else. oh! I also hate the animation for when you get the abilities at the beginning, and when you get those lights of blessing or whatever (honestly I hate that name too, why is it so long I literally can't remember it 😭). like why do the orbs with the abilities and blessings look so 2d and unfinished? they look like they were slapped on top as a fanmade effect rather than actually being a part of the game, and every time I see it, I feel removed from being immersed in the games because it's distracting

but I totally love the way the zonai statues are at the end of the shrines!!! the way they talk is SO 🙏🙏 like I'm totally obsessed with it. also!! this is very specific, but I love the music that plays during shrine battles, like why does that song go so hard fr

omg something else I love is the pony points system it's so cute 😭✋ and honestly it's a great incentive for me to use the stables, I don't think I used them that much in botw so I definitely appreciate this new addition

AND MY HORSES ARE HERE TOO IM SO HAPPY 🥺🥺

however I am devastated that we can't pet dogs ☹️ like was no one at nintendo listening to us when we were all asking abt it hello ??

this is more of a personal preference rather than a game quality thing but I AM SO HAPPY THERE'S PIRATES IN THIS GAME AAAAAAA i can't wait to go to lurelin village I rlly hope they let me join the pirates 🙏 (hi it's me from the future here, girl wtf why are the pirates literally just MONSTERS ON BOATS 🙁 give me real fucking pirates you cowards)

omg yeah I was obsessed with the frozen rito village ost, it had the core elements of the ost from botw but with that lonely haunted vibe and I was gonna cry omg it really set the mood and I loved listening to it 😭

ohh yeah something I didn't enjoy was how it felt like I was being overloaded with so much plot-heavy info, especially once I started the rito village quest. like yeah I get maybe playing for 8 hours in one day is probably gonna fry my brain and attention span but it just felt like they were telling me to do all these things and I just felt so overwhelmed that I literally had to put the game away and stop playing for the night 😭 I think if things were spaced out more for what they tell you then the plot might have been more digestible

oh yeah this is minor but I don't like how when you go to a new place it says "discovery!" and also when you cook a new food it says "new!" like it felt very commercial and broke the immersion in the game for me, there was literally no reason for it to be in the game? (upon playing the game further I've decided I don't mind the "discovery" notif. but I still don't like when it says "new!" on a food I cooked sorryyy)

OMG WAIT SOMETHING I LOVED was how link cycles through humming different things when he cooks!!! it's so cute and I love him for it 😭

also I loved the function of when you open a chest and get a weapon but your inventory is full, instead of having to close the chest drop a weapon and reopen the chest, they added the feature where your inventory pops up and you can drop a weapon while still in the chest so you don't have to switch back and forth. it was so relieving for me ✋

umm I definitely feel like there was more I wanted to say, I just forgot 😭 but let me just say, despite me having a lot of negatives on here, I still really enjoyed this game, and honestly aside from the things I mentioned I disliked, I love pretty much everything else about the game!! there's so much to love and appreciate, I really can't list it all or else I'd just be listing literally every aspect about this game ajdhskfj. so yeah. while I'm disappointed that I found parts of totk to be lesser than what I had hoped, I am still overall ecstatic about this game and I'm so excited to see what else I'll discover in this game!!!! (hey it's me as of writing this post, I definitely wrote this last paragraph to avoid getting bullied for not liking a lot of things LOLL)

hey I'm back (not as of writing this post, like a couple months after initially starting totk), listen ok I hate these stupid sage powers like 💀 they're literally not useful at all, I think tulin's is the only one I use regularly, and even then I'd rather have revali's gale bc at least it goes up ??

I've been watching other ppl play and I realize that actually yunobo and riju can kinda be useful when fighting large groups, like if you just activate yunobi's ability you don't really need to aim him, and he'll hit a bunch of monsters. same with riju, just activate her and shoot somewhere random and it'll do damage. but other than that, like sidon and mineru are useless 😭 also I get rlly annoyed when I'm trying to pick things up and tulin gets in the way like GIRL GO AWAY ugh it would just be so much better if the abilities were activated like the champions instead idk

ok I'm obsessed with the way rauru's ear twitches LOLL THAT'S SO RANDOM but in the memories it's just so satisfying to see

hm idk how to explain this but there's some aspects of this game that feel very aoc to me and it annoys me. like, the defend kara kara bazaar + gerudo village quests, and that one thing in hateno with the stupid pumpkins, idk but it totally threw me off guard with having to fight with npcs, like it felt very jarring to have in the middle of totk. i never liked aoc or any hyrule warriors games so that's probably why I don't like this very much, but yeah I just didn't enjoy it very much

god I can't describe how much I hate everything abt mineru I'm sorry I just hate her bc like,, bro I hate to say it but I never connected with her character at all. every part of her in the storyline felt forced, and her connection to zelda and the sages never felt authentic. also I hate the eng voice acting like why does she talk like that 😭

her talking about draconification felt sooo forced. she said "there are stories of eating the stone to turn into an immortal dragon" like that could be a solution, then when rauru asked if they could do that, she was like "however 🤓☝️ you'll lose your sense of self and it's forbidden. I thought this would give us an answer but maybe not 😞" like BITCH IF YOU KNEW IT WAS FORBIDDEN WHY WOULD YOU SAY ANYTHING 😭😭 the way she said it, it sounded like she was reading a book and learning this information as they went, which would make sense why she brought it up but turns out it won't work. BUT SHE KNEW THE FULL THING ALREADY WHY DID SHE SAY IT LIKE THAT???? god it annoyed me so much, it was such a bad foreshadowing plot point

and honestly her entire quest confused me, bc the whole first part has a very thunder/lightning theme so I thought her power would be related to that but it wasn't at all? like how come we didn't do anything spirit related meanwhile all the other sages had areas that related to their powers, ugh it felt so dumb. lightning is already heavily associated with riju + the gerudo, so it felt weird that they themed the whole first half of mineru's quest around it too.

I hate her stupid construct. IT'S SO LAME 😭 has anyone actually enjoyed fighting with it. has it actually benefitted anyone. like be so fr rn. I hated it so much that I built a freaking airbike and just flew to the final temple without fighting any of the stuff along the way bc I refuse to be forced to do things I don't like 🫶

and then at the end of the game when her spirit leaves her construct and she dies or whatever, I was just like 😐 they tried to make it emotional but literally mineru is my worst enemy and I was cheering and applauding atp. like I could care less. her character felt, idk how to describe it, like.. cringy and self-inserty? something about it felt very off to me and so I was just never able to like her. it felt like nintendo was trying to force me to like her and I was Not about to let that happen

hang on I have other things to complain about... oh yeah the STABLE TROTTER CONDUCTOR LIKE BRO 😭😭😭 why does he sound like mario, like I actually want to punch him in the face. the rest of the band is fine tho, I like their music 🤞

hm something I'm annoyed about is how much harder it is to find the dragons now. in botw their flight pattern was more predictable, but here like istg I can never find them when I need them 😭 it's just vv inconvenient

-

ok I'm back back. I think that about covered all my thoughts BUT one more thing. the map is so fucking cluttered. something that was done so well with botw was the openness of everything, it really fit the vibes and it immersed you in the expanse of the game. but the totk map was WAYY too busy 😭😭 not only with the purah pad map (which btw I still think sheikah slate is a better name) but just in general when you're walking around hyrule. there is Too Much going on and I don't like it

LAST THING although tbh this could be a whole separate rant. the way the purah pad is compatible with zonai technology makes no fucking sense???? like there is NO logical explanation for how it can mark waypoints at zonai shrines

in botw it made sense, because the shrines were sheikah-made and so was the slate, so ofc the sheikah would have built them to be compatible and programmable with one another. but the zonai shrines??? first of all they're just rocks on sand. no sort of technology the purah pad can latch onto. second, you activate the shrine with the ZONAI ARM, not the purah pad. literally no connection is made. this is such a small thing to fixate on but every time I think about it I am filled with inexplicable rage

I have a whole OTHER rant on why the sheikah tech disappearing makes literally No Sense but. this post is long enough as it is. if u want I can make a separate post but I think this is good enough for now 🤗

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Robin, Aqualad and Artemis redesign from the Young Justice animated series! Im thinking about doing all of them also Artemis and Robin are a little messier bc I did them a couple months ago when I just finished my rewatch. Notes about each under the cut! 

Robin:  - first choice: I got rid of the toe shoes, Im sorry who thought it was a good idea to give him toe shoes?? I have him with shoes that elude more to an acrobat  - thats a general note too: I tried to keep the elements that felt acrobat-y and also the more “boyish” elements- like the short sleeves those are cute - overall the original look I didnt feel I needed to change much? I just wanted to make it look more sleek? I love the clunky gloves in the original though! also the cape!!   - weird choice but I removed the little R which didnt really have much purpose other then making things less crowded but I could probably put it back   - Im trans so I say hes trans, there isnt much I changed for that except I figured I’d shift to be an outfit that would make the body more masculine? basically thinking about what I think when Im getting dressed   - idk I also made the cape “sharper” or gave it more of a distinct cape? this is in part to contrast my Miss Martian redesign but also to allude to the bat of course    - his gloves still have the same function as they did before with being able to project his little screen thing bc that was cool!   - I gave him messier hair then I would’ve otherwise to give that contrast between Robin- Robin out of unifrom- and Dick Grayson (I have a Masks ttrpg character that is a Janus so that was just on my mind)   - gotta keep the mischievous grin (peter pan ass looking motherfucker) and the domino mask!  Aqualad:  - did yall know that electric eels dont have gills! yeah thought in his original design he is kind of supposed to have an eel vibe to it? I tried to lean into that more (also for eel facts I was like rapidly texting my roommate whose majoring in Ocean Science about how confusing and strange they are, he was helpful lol) - the eel shifts can be seen in the way I made his look more “stripe-y” (with the chest part) and adding in the blue to contrast  - he didnt have a mask before and I get that isnt too important but I thought giving him like a “paint” mask might be fun and look cool, SPEAKING OF PAINT... - with the eel choice I decided that it might be cool for his arm marking to be like electroconducive paint or whatever idk Im majoring in ecology not majoring in engineering or physics (im also looking at his original design and feeling like a dumbass for him no longer having eels on his hands :’()  - im mlm and so I think he should be mlm from the start, just a cool older gay for robin to look up too, that isnt important to his design but I think its important in my heart - I gave him shoes, I took on seminar on parasitology this semester and his bare feet just make me so worried about him getting an infection- they are shoes for swimming though! (or he can just pop them off if he wants to use his... toe fins- hes running around on land though he needs shoes)  - w/ the hair I get his atlantian but I know that giving a darker skinned character light eyes and hair to imply “magic” or whatever isn’t a great trope so I wanted to give him a different hair style but I also thought the idea that he bleached them just cause he wanted to might be cool. He also has brown eyes (whoops noticing I left the rest of the eye blue though)   - he gets little earrings  - I didnt like that he has the U shape as like a little belt so I decided to encorporate it into the rest of the outfit- his look is also based off a wet suit!!  - trying to think if Im forgetting anything.... OH I gave him a swimmers body too!! so broader shoulders from swimming!!  Artemis:  - like Aqualad she bleaches her hair too, I like to think she does it in like a rebellious teen way? idk maybe her and Aqualad can bond by them doing it together  - I took away the completely low wasted pants... idk they just felt a little weird if that makes sense...   - I also made her top more of a sports bra, then instead of just slapping and arrow on there I made it apart of the top  - her old mask lowkey felt strange to me??? I was talking w a friend and she pointed at that it feels like a cheesy bank robber mask? (like ski cap with holes) which maybe was intentional to like... ellude to her family and that “untrustwothy”ness??? idk I decided to make it cover her mouth instead to lean into that- it also connected to how both Cheshire and Sportsmaster have full face masks (I havent finished my KF and SB redesign but I dont think theyll have masks that cover the mouths so it singles her out)  - also the part of her mask that pulls her hair back is now like traditional art of the Goddess Artemis which I feel was under utilized in her original design? thats also why I gave her a cool braid instead of a pony tail! (I also feel like its a little more practical idk does it make her seem horse girl-ish)- I also made her boots distantly resemble thoughs  -shes also trans, bc like Robin I say she is- also it’d be funny for her and robin to bond over being “the team non-metahumans, who are both trans and both love Wally West”   - On that note thought I tried to make her look different from Robin and I also gave her nice abs bc she has cropped clothing which nicely show it off  - body type wise shes a little lean and lanky  - I got rid of her weird belt replacing it with a belt that repeats the overall triangle/arrow motif repeating throughout her fit    - gloves function as those little arm guard things you have if you are doing archery- I tried to make those look more functioning also cooler bc they kind of just gave me a strange vibe in the original  I think thats all I have! idk I feel like this might flop but TBH Im having alot of fun w it and Ive been talking to an old friend whose watching it for the first time which makes me really happy! Also these arent to say the original designs are bad I just wanted to take my own crack at reworking them!- OH wait- heres my height chart for these three, Aqualad and Artemis are the same height around 5′10″-6′0″ and robin is around 5′3″-5′5″ he was originally taller then I looked at my line up and was like “shoot everyone is too tall” so I adjusted him so I could bump down Meghan, Wally, and Zantanna a little without making everyone too short (if that makes sense) 

sorry this is my first time doing a req, but since you like iida tenya, i was wondering if you had any knight iida tenya headcanons?

So I was re-enacting a bakuiida hurt/comfort scenario I made up for exactly 2 hours since I started during 10:00 pm and it is 12:00 AM

gist of it: bakugou’s inferiority complex acts up and so he doesn’t take care of himself bc he’s too busy training and iida tells him how much he (Katsuki) means to him, (Tenya) and that there aren’t enough numbers that exist that could tell him (Katsuki) how much he (Katsuki) meant to Tenya

and then I remembered my tumblr account and one of the asks I got was “do some knight Iida Tenya headcanons this is my first time doing a req” and I was like oh wow I am v blessed that I am the person who took anon’s req virginity so here we are

CW: few times of cursing, mention of me talking about a car kink

Knight Iida Tenya Headcanons

Part of the King’s guard no I do not. Take criticism

If he isn’t he’s most likely in a very high position of knight rankings in the fantasy AU

His chivalrous spirit could rival canon Kirishima’s

But since Kiri’s a dragon hybrid here,,well

Did I mention

He’s TALL

Like. Bumping his head on every single fucking doorway kind of tall

He is a staggering 6”6

HES TALLER THAN MY BEDROOM WALLS JSJSJ

anyways so like bc he’s so tall he learned the very hard way (literally) that you should not wear a metal cone hat while sliding down ladders

Was this inspired by that one (1) video on YouTube where this guy’s character slid down a really long ladder wearing a golden metal cone hat

I will not agree nor will I deny this accusation

So bc he’s so tall he grudgingly cannot wear a fancy Iida helmet from the prestigious and noble Iida family line

ofc his brother was a knight before him, it’s so obvious

(Speaking about Tensei, his brother wore it anyways even though his brother is taller than him because he was always on horseback anyways, but having to patrol the streets of the kingdom on a daily basis trailing after the King or Prince or whatever he can’t let a helmet hinder him from going after people

Anyways so like because he is So Tall people often make jokes about his height and how rectangular his body was

So poor bby got insecure about his height and prefers not to talk about it, stays silent when someone thinks he can’t hear them whispering and making jokes about his bulky stature

speaking about bulky things his canon costume is lightweight in design because if speed and leg strength makes up 100% of your quirk you can’t have stupid accessories and additional weight.

But of course since what he’s going for (the Ingenium title) is pretty much set in stone, there’s a heavy emphasis in visuals (in canon) so like 90% of his fucking costume is for Decor

And I hate him for that

Because TENYA FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE 100% INGENIUM YOU CAN BE YOUR OWN INGENIUM

Even if you were put the pressure on yourself to become like your brother, don’t feel burdened to make sure your hero career is 100% like his

OK I kind of swerved away from topic but since we’re talking about hero costumes and knight armor

Since this is fantasy and most fantasy-ish things are set in a European medieval style because of fucking Hollywood and not in a more traditional Japanese style since apparently fire spitting dragons are cooler than Kitsunes with ten tails, power over nature elements and are literally considered deities—

Knight armor is made of metal, right?

So in that case..his armor would really weigh him down.

But because this is FANTASY and science and physics can go fuck themselves here,

It’s possible that there’s a chance magic could make his armor more lightweight, like Uraraka’s quirk

but like there’s a chance that his armor is ALREADY lightweight because again, canon Tenya really went after the design of his brother’s costume

And his brother’s costume was inspired by his parent’s and grandfather’s own costumes, which kinda looked the same since it had the white modern accents and holes in the helmets kinda aesthetic

SO ASSUMING THAT THE IIDA FAMILY LINE IS V NOBLE AND FAMED FOR BEING IMMERESED IN THE KNIGHTHOOD SHITE FOR A V LONG TIME

And his brother did copy whatever his parents and ancestors’s armor was or whatever

And they’re noble, right—so they’re rich. Because magic exists, plenty of wizards mages and other magic people for hire also exist

Enchanted lightweight metal armor

there’s a reason why you shouldn’t trust knights in shining armor and that’s because if their chest plate is too pristine, that means they’ve never went to battle

Here’s a rule for all you y/ns: don’t trust a knight in shining armor if it’s not enchanted

what I’m saying is if you wanna date Iida, the knight in shining AND enchanted armor, go for it bestie TT

Also His Boots

Assuming he doesn’t have his sexy engines on his calves in this AU

(Or perhaps the sleek, modern looking engines are replaced with steampunk ones O.O)

OK SO WE’RE GOING WITH THE STEAMPUNK MUFFLERS

Because holy shit that’s such a cool fucking concept??

Oh you bet your y/n messy buns that steampunk iida hcs are next

so since fantasy usually goes with at least one (1) “primitive” tribe with their own kind of technology centered around weapons and battle

And that one (1) “”tribe”” that’s an entire fucking kingdom/city like the Carja in the game Horizon Zero Dawn

Speaking of Horizon Zero Dawn, the “primitive” tribe with their own kind of technology centered around battle and more battle are the Banuk

They’re hardcore fam

They give me Bakugou Katsuki vibes because those people would literally rather die than say a challenge is too big to overcome

again going back to the topic: Steampunk

In “”fantasy”” medieval AUS there’s always that one steampunk inventor that’s a Mei Hatsume ripoff (Tangled The Series I’m looking at you)

And of course the Support Students need their time to shine too, so like — Steampunk City let’s gooo

(The closest Horizon Zero Dawn’s “tribe” got to steampunk is whatever the hell the Oseram are doing.)

So now Tenya has sexy, sexy steampunk mufflers that are very well taken care of

<SKIP THIS PART, I TALK ABOUT RANDOM EVENTS AND BAD CHOICES I MADE IN MY LIFE>

god I’m so sorry but me talking about mufflers like they’re a full course meal is reminding me of the time where I joked to my friends that I had a car kink

and not that I had a kink to have sex inside the car, but to be fucked BY the car itself

like your ass being just wrecked by a fucking shalon poofa

if you get that joke get off this site

one of my messages was very specific

It read:

“I eagerly lick car-senpai’s oil of his exhaust pipe”

And Yeah

unsanitary and a health hazard

While discussing about simpable men one of my friends were like

my man has a CAR your man, Tenya Iida, doesn’t

And I just stared at her

Because bitch MY MAN IS THE CAR

anyways if you actually read this may god have mercy on you

<DON’T SKIP THIS PART BECAUSE I CONTINUE>

Because I make the rules

Wouldn’t they be a hindrance to him bc of his metal boots?

So Let Me Tell You A Story

you know the Ingenifoot (the boots in canon Iida’s costume)

It’s special since it has holes punched into it for the mufflers to retract out of

Who says Ingenifoot can’t be steampunk as well?

I DON’T

But it can’t be steampunk bc this is a Knight Iida hcs and not Inventor Steampunk Iida Hcs

:<

So it’s plain boring white carved steel or smth with a small section where a part of the boot flexes for the mufflers to stick out

Speaking of carved steel, Knight Iida’s armor def has intricate details and shite on it

Maybe even his family crest

OK so it is 12:45 AM rn I am gonna sleep

Goodnight

➽───────❥ INTUITION ; CHAPTER THREE

katsuki bakugo x reader

important side note for the story: so um, i didn't know what to do with the whole twenty students thing so i did y'all a favor and fed mineta to the birds. he doesn't exist in this universe, horray!

word count: 1346

taglist: @aria-bnha @00ashpop00 @internetrashh @videogameboiwhowins @doggy-48

as a result of the quirk apprehension test being an absolute flop for you, no one besides kirishima knew what your quirk was. you planned to keep it that way until the support items you had adjusted onto your hero costume arrived.

you had thought long and hard with isayama about your final designs for your costume. it would consist of a sleek bodysuit that complimented the colors of your skin and eyes. a simple mask would hide your identity with equally complimentary colors and your hair was bound by two clips in space buns. the clips weren't just regular clips though, a built in tracking device was in the right and a hidden switch blade was in the left. these would only be used in cases of emergencies. after all, thinking ahead was your specialty.

you were stronger in your legs rather than your arms so you worked with the support course to create a support item that aided your arms. a weapon; this was an electric staff. it had the ability to become a whip which could constrict around opponents and shock them up to the power of 50,000 volts (as much as a taser, for those who didn’t know).

the staff could also break off into halves and uncoil itself to becoming nunchucks. as a bonus feature, there was a magnet in each glove that could recall it from up to ten meters away. you had fought with the admin to permit the item despite it’s very fatal capabilities so when you heard about it being added to your costume you were more than ecstatic. 

you would finally have a level playing ground with everyone else. it wouldn't be available for the next training exercise you would join with your class but as long as some improvement was being made.

"(l/n), come and sit with us!" kirishima called to you during lunch period. he wave you over to sit with the ones you recognized to be ashido, sero, kaminari, and... bakugo???

“the fuck are you calling her over here for shitty hair?!” bakugo objects the idea of you joining the table. “oh shut it,” you say sitting on the other side of the red head, “i’m going to get a migraine at this point. let me eat my god damn food.” you groan while rubbing your temples.

“where were you during the rest of morning training? we had the test and then you were gone. you didn’t skip, did you?” kirishima asks, looking slightly dejected that you weren’t there. what’s up with him and acting like you two were best friends or some shit.

so much for keeping your quirk a secret, the element of surprise was thrown out the window as soon as kirishima gave you that look.

“i have special training because my quirk is mental,” you explained. “woah! i knew you were advanced but i didn’t know you were this far ahead, (l/n)!” kaminari says, getting a little to excited for your liking. “yeah, i can’t wait to see what you can do at ground beta later today!” mina chimes in.

...

“it’s time for a trial of battle!” all might exclaims in his attempt to hype up the students who except for a confident few looked scared out of their minds. you all were in your hero costumes and the bodysuit you had on was surprisingly comfortable considering the fact that literally every curve in your body was on display.

lacking your main weapon was probably one of the main downfalls of the situation but as long as you got someone with a quirk worth working with then, you were fine. “this will be an indoor battle! for this test, you’ll separate into “villan” and “hero” groups for a two-on-two team battle!”

you pretty much tuned out the amount of questions that everyone brought up afterward and looked around in who could possibly be your favored partner. you shift your gaze over to the boy with heterochromia who happened to stare right back at you. the awkward exchange of eyes made you sharpen your gaze to send a message of “what are you looking at?”

“he’ll be your partner,”

you’re joking.

“alright, let’s get this started! team a will be izuku midoriya and ochako uraraka, team b will shoto todoroki and (y/n) (l/n), team c will be...”

and of course your intuiton happened to be right.

you couldn’t stand looking at that egotistical prick. you could just see it in his eyes that he felt like he was better than you. you shifted next to him but enough distance to clearly show you didn’t want to be associated with him which he definitely took note of shared the same energy.

team a and d were up and all you could say was that you felt bad for broccoli boy. the only big impression he made on you was that throw during the quirk apprehension test and the beginning of class when he had indirectly made bakugo you hit you in the head.

he was no doubt at the bottom of the class.

usually you wouldn’t pay attention to these and build your own strategy using intuition and the knowledge you already had but bakugo for some reason wasn’t triggering anything but useless information.

you had to watch this fight closely and try to train your quirk to focus on him.

the way your quirk worked is by tracking your thoughts and focuses which was movement that would directly affect you or the people in a five meter radius of you and the relationships between you and others so maybe if you shifted your focus hard enough then it would be able to read bakugo like a book.

it was more than clear that he was driven by pure and utter anger and ego. the way he handled his opponent in his match was more than exasperating. they certainly had some type of history together and he was overconfident that he would be the one who came out on top.

he was smart, yes, but he was irrational.

“i can’t believe we did it!” the two from the winning team celebrated, bakugo lookng completely dazed as they finished. you were about to make a snarky remark when your team was up for the hero end and the invisible girl and the guy with the tail were on the villan team.

you looked at todoroki and nodded. once you entered the building, he had taken the initiative to lead. you called out to todoroki, “instead of going out blindly how about we make some type of plan.”

he stops from walking down a hallway and says, “like what?”

“give me a second,” you close your eyes, focusing on the matter around you. forcing a prediction was hard on your body but you finally had a chance to do something and you weren’t going to let the opportunity go.

“the one with tail is on the north side of the fourth floor, he plans to go head on the opponent using martial arts techniques. he doesn’t seem to have a plan.”

you groan a bit from the energy you used and in frustration as the girl has yet to be found by your quirk. you then open your eyes and relay the message to him. he opened his mouth to say something but closed it, shaking off whatever he had in thought. he began to walk down the first hallway, “this’ll get hairy so go outside,”

“what?! we’re supposed to be a team!” you holler at him.

“do what he says, the whole place will be frozen over in a matter of seconds,”

you falter before gritting your teeth and run outside just as the whole place is covered head to toe in ice. you practically felt your soul leave your body. the power that he exuded was unironically chilling. 

soon enough, the whole building was frozen over just as predicted and then was melted back to normal just as quickly as it froze over. 

“endeavor’s son, huh?”

CHAPTER INDEX

When is it Time for a Website Refresh?

You’ve heard the old adage… You have 6 seconds to convince a website visitor that your website is the website they’ve been searching for – before they hit that back button.

So keeping your website up-to-date is no longer a matter of preference, it’s a matter of survival.

If it’s been a while since you’ve updated your website, it might be a good idea to consider updating the elements on your website like the content, the design, adding new content or completely overhauling your website as part of a major redesign.

Does your website need a refresh?

So What’s a Refresh?

A business changes as it grows. The same is true with your website. As you create your website, make sure it reflects the business it represents.

Your website’s design will become outdated over time, that’s just how it goes. What was popular 2 or 3 years ago, can feel painfully outdated now (remember keyword clouds?) So refreshing the design is necessary to remain competitive.

Does Your Website Need a Refresh?

If your website has been up for a while, it may be a challenge to know when it’s time to update it. But here are some signs it’s time.

The design of your site is not appealing anymore

Conversions are low

Nothing is interesting or exciting on your website

Ineffective communication with website visitors

Leads aren’t coming in like they did before

Bounce rates are high

Recognize any of these? If so it may be time to make some minor updates or revamp your entire website. It just depends on your situation.

Here are 7 ways you can refresh your website

1. The Basics

Let’s start with the basics. The look and feel of your website can be dramatically updated simply by choosing a more modern fonts set to revamp its overall look. Even small changes can significantly impact transforming an old site into something new and impressive. Google fonts is free, and offers many great options.

2. Consider a redesign – when you need more than the basics

Your website plays a big part in the identity of your business. The way your website looks will have a big impact on the way your visitors feel when they land on your website. What will their first impression be? Are they going to want to do business with you? You are not doing yourself any favors by still using outdated stock graphics and imagery.

Your brand’s identity is shaped by elements like layout, fonts, colors, etc. To keep your website looking crisp, determine which sections have aged gracefully and which areas need improvement.

Replace your outdated images & graphics with a mix professionally taken photos of your staff and business along with some carefully curated high end stock images.

Choose a simple, clean font will make your site look sleek and modern. For example, Google Fonts offers many free typefaces.

An updated color palette can also improve the experience of your visitors.

3. Improve Your Communication

We’ve talked about the 6 seconds you have to grab your visitors attention and keep them on your website so it’s not a surprise that there’s little time for you to get your message across.

Regardless of what you sell, the customer is primarily interested in how you will help them solve their problem. It’s always about them, whatever you say. So make sure visitors can find the content they are looking for without a lot of clicking around.

Speaking of communication it’s a good idea to sprinkle in a variety of compelling and relevant CTAs on your site. Believe it or not, your visitors aren’t mind readers so you need to tell them how they take the next step. CTAs provide various options for the visitor to take action, such as:

“Call Now”

“Book Your Appointment Today”

“Join Now by clicking here,”

“Get started Today”

“Connect with us Today”

“Get your free ______ today”

“Signup today and get ________ “

And don’t forget about social sharing buttons.

The most important thing is that your CTA’s should be well-designed and strategically placed in areas where clients can easily see them.

Pro tip: Make sure that your CTA’s contrast well with the rest of your design but don’t get blend into the rest of your content. CTA’s are most effective when they look like buttons.

4. Improve Your User Experience

You must design your website so that the customer can navigate through it quickly. Your site will attract more visitors if it is easy to navigate. Just a few changes to your menu and checking that every link works can make a massive difference in the over all user experience.

Your navigation consists of links connecting your website’s pages. Carefully examine all your website pages and make sure they are still relevant and organized.

Test your links. Make sure that they don’t lead to 404 Error (Page Not Found). This makes your website appear not maintained and sloppy. Take a look at all the links on your site, including internal and external, and ensure they’re taking your visitors where you want them to go.

5. Analyze Your Website Content – And See Where You Stand

It’s not only about looks when it comes to refreshing a website. Your site must be considered current. Ensuring that what you are saying is valid, helpful, and readable to your visitors. So how can you determine whether your content is new, high-quality, and up-to-date?

By conducting a content audit.

A content audit is intended to assess which links get indexed by search engines, which need to be refreshed and no longer exist. Here are some basic steps you need to follow:

Compile all your databases and sitemaps. The sitemap is a document that lists your site’s pages, videos, and other files along with their relationships. Data from your website is organized into your website’s internal database.

Your site’s URLs are indexed by web crawlers who collect content throughout the Internet. An algorithm can be applied to web crawler data to find relevant links in response to specific search terms and keywords. We recommend using Google Analytic, Google Webmaster Tools, and Screaming Frog for crawling website content.

Content auditing can go beyond essentials: You can use titles, descriptions, and word count as primary criteria for content auditing. All of your content entries should contain these elements.

Check organic search, conversions, publish date, time-on-site, page views, load speed, and mobile-responsiveness, too.

The number of conversions divided by unique visits is the conversion rate. By measuring this metric, you can determine if your website traffic is profitable.

Time-on-site is pretty self-explanatory: it’s the amount of time your visitors spend on each of your pages. Content audits can benefit from this metric since you get a clear idea of the performance of your online content.

A page-per-visit measurement indicates how much content is viewed per visit. In most cases, it is presented as an average, which is calculated by dividing the total number of visitors by the total number of page views.

The slower your page loads, the fewer pages search engines can crawl, affecting your search engine rankings.

Take a good thorough look at your content: Identity what content no longer reflects your current business and goals and delete it. Do you need to rewrite or update anything? Is there anything that needs some attention?

Note: It is essential to perform two separate content audits if your website has Desktop and Mobile versions as their codebases are different.

6. Competitor Analysis

You should also examine how your competitors’ sites can be improved while evaluating the same areas where yours could be better. Are they doing anything new on their website that is working? Is their website more responsive than yours? Have they made updates to their website recently?

Aside from seeing what your competitors’ websites look like, it would help if you also figured out which websites link to them. Is it possible to obtain links from these same websites, or can you get links from other high-ranking websites? This is authority backlinking 101 & makes a huge impact on your rankings.

7. Make Sure Applications Are Maintained

Now that you have updated your contact information, added some fresh content, and checked for broken links, make sure that all of your web apps are functioning properly. For your tech to keep pace with your business growth, it must adapt and grow along with it.

App management practices include testing and debugging software, enhancing technology and site functionality, updating and maintaining existing security protocols, maintaining new browser versions, creating and maintaining 3rd party integrations, and more. It is very important to maintain your website’s modules, code, plugins and integrations to avoid various issues.

Honorary Mention: A Mobile-Responsive Website

This one is obvious and goes without saying. But nobody is surprised when I say smartphones are the most popular way people access the web. And a lot of them never use anything other than their phone so to say mobile responsiveness is important would be an understatement.

Plus Google favors mobile web-optimized websites in its search rankings and penalizes those that aren’t.

In conclusion, keep it simple. Think marathon, not a race.

A website refresh can be as extensive as you want to make it… Just like any renovation. Although we’ve covered many small changes you can make to your website some will make a much bigger impact than others. But do not under-estimate the end result.

So what now? evaluate your needs and make a plan of attack – and then get started on it. There’s no time like right now.

DOWNLOAD YOUR DIGITAL STRATEGY PLANNING TEMPLATE

18 with winnix for the kiss prompts please!

sha-la-la-la my oh my, looks like the boy’s too shy  💋 (accepting!) 18.   kisses where one person is sitting in the other’s lap

this definitely...  escalated far past where you wanted/needed it to go, and turned into more of an exploration of their post-war relationship, when winters joins nix in new jersey...   i had fun with it, but oof, did it ever kinda spiral.  there’s definitely kissing towards the end, though, so i hope you enjoy!!

To be fair, Nix never promised him an enjoyable night.

His first pitch was “a party”. Dick, who’s had enough experience with the sort of parties that go on in Nixon, New Jersey, replied that he had paperwork to catch up on. It was a good excuse because it wasn’t a lie. Nix brooded for a solid thirty seconds before popping back up, smile bright, to declare, “an evening affair, then, and you’re my date. You have to be, since I need one, and I haven’t got anyone else.”

Dick raised an eyebrow. “What about that girl, the one with the — the red hair —?”

“Hah,” replied Nix, in a flat tone that suggested his redheaded girlfriend was ancient history.

“One of the lobby girls, then.”

“Hah.”

“Blanche?”

“Hah!”

“I’m sure your mother would be honored to go with you.”

Nix had to grip the edge of the table to keep from falling down, laughing.

By the time he regained his composure, Dick was pretty much resigned to accompanying him for the evening. He’s never been able to say no to Nix anyways, even during the war. Being home — Nix’s home — and seeing him in his element — for better or worse — just makes it harder. Something about Nix in the bustling atmosphere of the New Jersey social scene is beguiling, electric, and a bit haunted. Like watching a film noir, Dick can never look away.

He doesn’t expect to have a good time. Nix’s parties are not designed to be good times for people who don’t smoke, drink, or gamble. Nix was kind enough not to remark on the novel tucked into the inside pocket of Dick’s suit jacket as they strode up the walkway towards the roaring party. Loud music blared from open windows; lights and laughter twinkled from beyond the spacious French doorways. It was only nine o’clock, but Dick could feel exhaustion creeping up on him already.

“Come on,” Nix encouraged, guiding him into the townhouse with a proud hand on his elbow. “Let’s set you up on a nice sofa and find a Shirley Temple. Extra cherries, just for you.”

The one thing Dick will credit Lewis Nixon’s parties for — they’re never stingy with the cherries.

Now, three hours into the affair, he sets aside his most recent soda and scans the crowd. As the hours wind away, the raucous group has started to thin out. Either the partiers are headed somewhere else, or all have appointments to keep in the morning, because they show no signs of lingering into the early hours. Dick can be grateful for that much, at least. Those types of parties typically end with him dozing on a stranger’s sofa until he has to steer a very drunk Nix into the back of the waiting car at 3am. Dick has suffered through enough late evenings to never want to see another one again — though, time after time, he ends up coming out for Nix.

It seems like a quiet one tonight, though, thank goodness. The music has faded to a lull, someone thrumming out a thoughtful tune on the piano. The rowdiest partiers have taken leave, and all that’s left are Nix’s regular companions— the home’s owner, another Ivy League man Nix knows well, along with several of his mistresses; a few other Nixon Nitration folks Dick vaguely recognizes, and their dates; Nix’s sister Blanche, leaning languidly over the piano in a shimmering silver dress; and Nix, sprawled in a chair, top buttons of his shirt undone and hair disheveled.

He looks utterly debauched, and something about it thrills Dick. It’s nothing he hasn’t seen before, of course, but Nix in his sanguine element is magnetic. He’s like a panther — sleek and relaxed, dangerous under a veneer of nobility. No matter how much he’s had to drink, Nix’s dark gaze is always piercing; he always seems to know something the rest of the room doesn’t, and sometimes it plays on his lips like a hidden treasure.

He’s smirking like that now, and the smirk’s trained directly on Dick… and he can’t look away. It’s impossible. Even if he wanted to, Nix reels him in with that penetrating gaze. It’s all Dick can do to sit up straighter, pretending he is comfortable in this rakish crowd, the only one sober and the only one out of place.

“Speaking of saints,” Nix says at once — loud enough to cut in on whatever theological ramble his Yale buddy was in the middle of, “here’s one now. Sitting in front of us. Dick, come here. Show these fellows what a true Saint Augustine looks like.”

Dick would rather do anything else… but he’d cross a mountain for Lewis Nixon. Crossing the length of a trashed ballroom is only a bit more challenging. He comes to stand at Nix’s side, clearly uncomfortable, while Nix’s friends take him in as though seeing him for the first time this evening.

“You know I’m not Catholic, Lew,” he tries to quip, to break the tense mood. Nix’s hand catches his, squeezing lightly, and Dick’s own unease only grows.

“Neither am I, but we’re pretending for tonight. Gives all the sinning a bit more zest, you know?”

“Sure.” Dick’s hand comes to rest on the back of Nix’s chair, unconsciously craving something to do. One of the host’s mistresses, with bright red lips and sharp eyes, doesn’t miss it.

“Ohh,” she hums, like the word is a wave she must ride to the shore. “Don't say it, Lewis. This is your handsome date?”

Something about the way she says it has Dick’s shoulders tensing in instinctual alarm. Maybe Nix has had far too much to drink, or can read this crowd too well; he doesn’t even flinch at the implication.

“Afraid so,” he replies, a hand creeping up Dick’s sleeve. “Nice enough to hang around all night, even though he’d rather be back home pouring over...  productivity reports. Employee reviews? Staff... surveys?”

“Something like that,” Dick says.

“Something like that.” Nix’s hand runs up and down Dick’s arm, blatantly fond. It takes everything in Dick’s power not to tense up.

None of the assembled crowd seems bothered by such a display, however. Nix’s friends exchange knowing looks, smirking around lit cigarettes or crystal glasses. One woman languidly kicks her heels onto her date’s laugh, shaking her head. From the piano, Blanche runs a hand over her glossy hair, gaze sharp on her brother and his companion. “He’s out of your league, Lewis,” she chimes. Her smirk is catlike, voice like molasses dripping onto spring grass. At times, she looks dangerously like her brother, and Dick isn’t sure how to handle either of them.

Nix’s grip settles around Dick’s upper arm. “Isn’t that the truth?”

When Dick looks down, Nix is looking up. Something about his whiskey-bright gaze knocks the breath from his lungs. It’s too… soft, too tender. Too intimate for this party, to exist among strangers. Nix’s grip on his bicep is firm, and Dick has no desire to pull away. He doesn’t get the chance to question — not even a flicker of uncertainty, a breathless what's he doing — before Nix gives a tug, and Dick all but tumbles into his lap.

He regains his balance like a newborn colt, to the bubbling laughter of Nix’s audience. His cheeks flare, bright red; Nix’s touches, usually so welcome, now linger on his skin like a hot iron. He’s straddling his best friend’s knees, Nix’s arm wrapped around his to steady him, and it’s all Dick can do not to leap back to his feet to salvage whatever slim slice of dignity remains.

“Nix,” he says, voice low in warning.

“Relax, Dick,” he answers, equally softspoken. “It’s all a game. Don’t you see? None of it really matters.”

It matters to me, he wants to say...  because Nix has never held him without it mattering, has never caressed him without every sensation engraving itself permanently into Dick’s memory. Nix has never… not mattered to him. Some part of Dick, an small yet insidious murmur, wonders when he became insignificant to him.

The way Nix caresses his face is anything but meaningless, though… as is the way his dark gaze lingers on his lips, simmering for so long that Dick can feel its heat. Nix’s thumb grazes the corner of his mouth, and instinctively Dick draws back.

Something hurt flashes in Nix’s eyes. Dick cannot feel guilty. He doesn’t want this — can’t Nix understand that? Not here, not now, not putting on a show for an audience. Not when Nix is whiskey-soaked and careless, so far gone that Dick could get drunk off the taste of him. If this is a game, Dick doesn’t want to play.

“Father isn’t around for you to give a coronary, Lewis.” Blanche’s voice echoes as though from the other side of a tunnel, practically bored. “Save it for the next family dinner, at least.”

Gradually, Nix’s grip on Dick’s waist loosens. His touch pulls away from his face, finding Dick’s hand instead. He raises it to his mouth and lets it linger there — a sweet mockery of a kiss — before releasing Dick entirely. 

Dick pulls away, regaining his posture and his dignity. The eyes of the room are all on him now, as surely as they were on the jazz singer earlier in the night. He can’t take their weight, or their curiosity. Keeping his eyes fixed firmly ahead, he brushes himself down and murmurs an excuse to Nix. “Just going to get some air.”

Nix doesn’t try to stop him.

Stepping out into the cool night is like being released from prison. Dick braces himself against the stone railing of the townhouse’s balcony, gazing at the gravel drive only a few feet below. He could jump it, if he really wanted to — easier that than going back inside and leaving out the front door, wrangling Nix away from his clan. They’re not so far from home — he could walk it, in an hour or so. The fresh air would do his head good. At least in the dark, no one would be able to see him, to wonder and scrutinize…

His mind has gone to a strange place now, and is twisting itself in tangles. Recognizing his own impossible daydream, Dick sighs, slumping forward. A hand finds his hair, rumbling it. For a long moment, he only breathes, focusing on the autumn air filling his lungs and the crickets chirping in the night, to drown out the storm raging inside.

His nerves are too taut not to notice when someone comes up behind him… but the scent of perfume is familiar, so he doesn’t jump. She sidles up alongside him, inhaling softly in the night air; she blows out the same way Nix does, from deep within her chest. When Dick raises his head, Blanche is not focused on him at all, but looking ahead down the driveway.

“Planning your escape?” she asks lightly. Her mulberry lips curl upwards, without the chore of looking at him. “I don’t blame you. That was painful, in there.”

Dick arches an eyebrow. “You felt it too?”

She has a drink in her hand, but the glass is empty. As Blanche’s attention drifts to it, she seized upon the olive, still speared and languishing inside the glass. With delicate, manicured fingers, she plucks it out and scrutinizes the tiny fruit.

“You can’t let him bully you, Dick,” she says after a moment. The scent of wine may be heavy on her breath, but her words are perfectly sober. “He doesn’t mean to, but it’s instinct around these people. They all like to show off, and he’s proud of you.”

Dick’s brows furrow. He’s not some brand new car, or a gold-plated watch. “Why?”

“Because you’re nothing like them.” Blanche’s dark gaze flickers up to him; for the first time tonight, Dick feels entirely seen. Her lips purse, like she’s fighting back a smile, but something in her eyes reminds him of loneliness. “You don’t belong in this set… and that’s nothing against you, darling, only what you know as well as us. My brother prizes you so highly; he’s proud that you’re here, that you’re with him, that you give him your time and agree to accompany him to these parties, even though you’d much rather be doing anything else.”

Dick’s lips purse. Blanche waits a moment, as though expecting him to protest… but he has nothing to say.

“Rich little boys love their toys. You need to remind him that you aren’t one.” Her fingers drum against the rim of her glass; each clink-clink-clink pierces Dick’s nerves like shrapnel wounds.

“He doesn’t mean anything wrong by it,” he protests, because he knows Nix well enough to understand that. 

“Of course not. If he didn’t care about you…” Blanche’s words trail off, along with her gaze. She drifts back out to the driveway, painted lips pursing like she’s considering something far away. After another silent moment, she glances at Dick once more. “Last chance to run.”

Dick smirks. “I’m considering it.”

Blanche sighs into the night, pushing her folded arms off the railing and stepping back. Dick no longer feels inclined to stand out in the darkness, alone. As she steps back into the well-lit hallway, he follows her.

When they reenter the lounge, Nix is holding court, in the middle of an animated story Dick’s heard before. “— of course, I couldn’t have known there was a cat involved, otherwise I’d never have set foot in the apartment. So I sit down on the couch and the damned thing launches at me, yowling like a bat out of hell —“ He cuts off, mid-flail, gaze landing on his sister and companion. “Ah. Was wondering where you too made off to.”

“Nothing untoward,” Blanche drawls, slinking back towards the bar. “I offered, but Dick’s too upstanding.”

Nix locks onto Dick, and again, his gaze is painfully warm. Dick feels the same way, like a furnace is burning under his collar. Uneasily, he lowers himself onto a settee at the far edge of the room, back to the door so he won’t be tempted. So long as he’s in Nix’s sightline, his presence counts… but he doesn’t have to make himself the object of a crowd’s fascination again.

Nix understands, in that easy way of his. His lips curl up in the slightest smile, before he turns back to his audience. “As I was saying…”

His story winds on for a little while longer, before he grows bored with it. By then, the crowd has grown equally bored with its malingering, but still too languid to get up and do something about it. One of the women slips behind the piano and tries to start up a dancing tune, but no one bites. Her song devolves into something slower, more thoughtful. The host pours himself another drink from the bar, and doesn’t offer to serve anyone else; his mistresses chatter in an undertone, lipstick stained crystal glasses sitting beside them. Nix reclines back in his chair, perfectly debauched. His hair is a ruffled mess, bow-tie undone and hanging loosely around his neck. The top of his shirt is still open, carelessly displaying his collarbones and a flash of dark hair across his chest. 

You’ll catch a chill, a voice in Dick’s head that sounds too much like his mother chides. He’s seized briefly with the inexplicable, intense urge to cross the room and lean over Nix to close the shirt himself. It passes, of course, and he politely averts his gaze.

Perhaps he’s doing too good of a job not looking at him. “Dick,” Nix finally says, from right behind him. “Ready to go?”

A wave of relief washes over him. He hasn’t wanted anything so badly since his discharge papers. “Let’s go,” he replies, rising to his feet.

They pay polite goodbyes to their host; Blanche waves them off with an eyeroll for Nix and a blown kiss for Dick. Then, finally, they leave through the front door, and slip into the night.

While they drove here themselves, Nix is in no state to command the car. Dick is already prepared to take the wheel, when the valet steps up with keys in hand. “Do you require a ride home, Mr. Nixon?”

Dick’s surprised gaze swivels towards Nix, as if to ask do we? (He’s still so unused to the world of chauffeurs and butlers, and every encounter leaves a foreign, coppery taste in his mouth.) Nix dwells on the offer for a moment with lazy-eyed disinterest, before shrugging and gesturing the valet towards his car. “Why not? Roy likes to be generous. Let him do us a favor for once, huh?”

Dick, who has never personally done Nix’s friend Roy a single favor, just nods.

Nix’s car is sleek and expensive, a top of the line Plymouth Deluxe in glossy black paint and felt seating. Dick has sat in the passenger’s seat enough times that sliding into the back feels like a mistake, something to double back and correct before he manages to embarrass himself. Nix slides in right behind him, not giving him the chance. The scent of car freshener can’t disguise the stuffy air in the back of the car; there’s not much separating the back from the front, but the forward row of seats stretch up, practically creating a barrier to separate both ends of the car in half. Dick hears the driver slide in up front, but in the darkness, it’s hard to see.

“Turn on the radio, will you?” Nix requests as the car stirs to life. Obligingly, the driver turns a few knobs; what threatens to become an awkward silence immediately finds itself drowned out by a staticky love ballad.

“And when I kissed you, darling It was more than just a thrill for me It was the promise, darling Of the things that fate had willed for me…”

The timing is astonishingly poor. Dick slumps back against the seat, all but defeated. At his side, Nix chuckles.

When Dick looks over, it's impossible to catch his eye. The night is too dark, and these roads aren’t well-lit; shrouded by shadows, Nix’s eyes are two black holes, drawing all trace of light into them and holding it hostage. Dick catches a flash of something pearly, which must be the jagged cut of Nix’s smile; the silhouetted shoulders rise up and down, in what isn’t quite laughter.

After a moment, Nix goes still. Dick can’t see, but he knows he’s being watched.

“Well?” Nix finally says. “When are you going to tell me what an idiot I am?”

Dick turns his head, looking out the window nearest to him. “Never occurred to me, Nix.”

“Maybe not to say it, but you were thinking it. Come on, Dick.” A smooth-palmed hand finds his in the darkness. Dick allows it. “I knew I screwed up the moment you pulled away. Knew it as soon as I saw your face, really, but damn me if I know how to stop… come on, that’s what I bring you to these things for. To keep a leash on me.”

Dick thinks Nix’s social circle picked up on that, at least.

He doesn’t realize how tense he’s gone until Nix’s thumb strokes along the back of his knuckles; his hand, Dick realizes, has gone stiff as a corpse’s, gnarled with tension. When he looks down, he’s suddenly ashamed. He tries to pull away, but Nix holds fast.

“I’m sorry,” he says, sudden and sincere.

“You didn’t do anything,” Dick replies. “If I didn’t want to be there —“

“You don’t want to be there. You come to these awful things for me, even though you can’t stand it, and you’re a fish out of water the whole time. I’m being cruel to you. Downright uncharitable! And you know the reason why.”

Dick’s gaze is drawn back to him again. This time, as a flash of light passes through the car, he glimpses Nix’s face — eyes bright with drink, devastatingly earnest, his lips curled downwards and jaw tense. He’s handsome without trying… and cruel, too. More careless than he realizes.

Blanche’s words echo in his ears: rich little boys love their toys.

“It might be a game to you, Nix,” Dick says softly, “but it isn’t to me. Whatever show you were putting on in there… I don’t want to be part of it anymore.”

Nix is silent for a long moment. The air between them is thick as curdled cream. “I understand,” he finally says. “I… I get it, Dick, christ. I’m sorry.”

“I know.” Of course he knows. Doesn’t Nix realize he doesn’t have to put on a show for anyone, just do Dick will stand by his side? Doesn’t he realize the whole reason Dick goes to these parties, time and time again, is for him? Because he’d shatter the entire world and piece it back together, fragment by microscopic fragment, just to make Lewis Nixon happy?

“It’s never been a game to me, Nix,” he says softly.

In the darkness, Nix’s hand finds his again. This time, Dick squeezes tight.

He doesn’t know exactly how they come together, what magnetism pulls them or the way their bodies fit together. His shoulder presses up against Nix’s; his fingers find the threads of Nix’s hair; Nix’s thigh is a solid weight as it drapes over his own, his skin is warm, and suddenly Nix is practically in his lap.

It felt better this way. Dick likes the cover of darkness, is painfully grateful for it, just as he is of the way his hand fits over Nix’s hip. He likes holding him so much more than he likes being held… and something in the sigh Nix breathes against his lips suggests he likes it this way too.

“It’s not a game to me either, Dick,” he murmurs. “You matter too damn much”

The distance between them closes on its own will. Nix tastes like whiskey and coffee and August twilight; his lips are smooth, gliding over Dick’s own as though he’s wet them a dozen times since their conversation began. Their embrace is tender, but the hand gripping Dick’s shoulder is desperate. When Dick sighs against Nix’s lips, he utters a soft noise, almost like a whine. Dick’s fingers run along his scalp, soothing the dissatisfaction away.

“I much prefer this,” Dick mutters. “It suits us both better… privacy.”

“If it suits you,” Nix replies, “that’s all I need to know.”

It’s not perfect, and it’s not quite laid to rest… but they make it home at a reasonable hour, and Dick holds Nix in the privacy of their own home. He couldn’t ask for anything more.

Is This Crazy New Treatment The Cure To Your Insomnia? - how do you reduce stress

NuCalm promotes itself as neuroscience-backed tension and sleep technology. In practice, though, it simply helped me nap. I recently awakened from a delightful 20-minute nap. Really, it was more of a 10-minute half-nap half-trance, preceded by ideas of what I required to accomplish today that slowly liquified into the types of non-sequitur visions that take place because earliest phase of sleep.

In some way, this was rejuvenating. For the last week, I have actually been checking out the NuCalm system. According to its website, NuCalm is "the world's only trademarked neuroscience innovation clinically shown to deal with stress and improve sleep quality without drugs." It includes a neuroacoustic software application app utilized for 20- to 120-minute increments, an eye mask and the abovementioned processing discs, and in practice includes listening to ambient, cinematic sounds (comparable to this) with your eyes closed and a sticker label stuck to your inner arm.

Each of the elements are designed to set off the body's parasympathetic nervous system, which aids with recovery and relaxation. The disc is created to launch gamma-aminobutyric acid, a neurotransmitter that inhibits cortisol and adrenaline. With this and the app, NuCalm halts your body's tension action and therefore the mental and physical toll tension can handle the body.

military, 49 sports teams and in over a million surgical treatments. Some dental offices even utilize it for clients who hesitate of the dental expert. NuCalm's 'bio-signal processing disc' Although the product is touted as a way of possibly healing the body from injury, addiction and physical concerns, it appears predominately useful for relaxation and anxiety.

By this procedure, my use of NuCalm was a success: After my 20-minute session this afternoon, I certainly felt far more refreshed and awake. While a few of my sessions kept me conscious the whole time, I at least felt a bit more relaxed than previously. At the start, I 'd believed I was supposed to treat the session like a meditation, preventing letting my ideas roam.

Why I was so focused upon events of this age during my session is a secret to me, but regardless, I think I still dropped off to sleep for about five minutes. Unusually enough, a FAQ section of the app states that memory recollection is a typical characteristic of "theta brainwave variety," and that recalling memories in this phase allows you to dissociate negative feelings from them.

Overall, NuCalm did enable me to take best little afternoon naps in a structured method. I am decent at sleeping as it is, but I do believe something about NuCalm, whether it be the discs or the noises or the timer, made those naps more effective than usual. One glaring problem with NuCalm, nevertheless, is its rate.

Perhaps as I keep utilizing it, I'll find that this is a totally reasonable expense for the advantage of much better relaxation, health and sleep. At this moment, however, I 'd pay possibly $10 a month. The app likewise requires some major upgrading, as it presently only uses 3 various session types (recharge, reboot and rescue) at differing lengths and with a rather cumbersome layout.

Instead, it feels rudimentary, with lesser parts of the app like the post-session debriefing FAQ totally nonfunctional. I have actually taken some fantastic naps this last week, and I'll keep utilizing NuCalm for this function. It's a nearly simple and easy way of fitting 20 minutes of pure relaxation into my day. Whether those bio-signalling dics do anything, I'm still suspicious in addition to a cleaner app, I 'd need to get a bit more trust in the science to pay $60 a month.

Magdalene Taylor is a junior staff writer at MEL, where she began working two weeks after finishing college. Her work is a mix of cultural analysis and service, covering whatever from reconsiderations of low-brow hits like Joe Dirt and Nickelback to modern disability issues, OnlyFans and the kinds of small concerns about life like why baby carrots are so wet.

According to the company, thirty minutes of NuCalm is equal to 2 to 3 hours of corrective sleep. The NuCalm website boasts that the de-stressing treatment takes simply 2 minutes to administer and less than 5 minutes to accomplish its effects, making it the extremely meaning of a quick repair.

With its sleek website and claims of high-tech, borderline-magic outcomes, I half expected my NuCalm experience to occur in the literal future or, at really least, a center that reeked of sci-fi vibes. I believe I was imagining a workplace that looked like the ship from Passengers and a large set-up reminiscent of the memory-implanting tech from Total Remember or possibly even a coffin-like pod directly out of The Fifth Component.

My NuCalm treatment was not administered on the set of a motion picture, but it also wasn't administered in a dental expert's workplace. On the early morning of my visit, I drove across Los Angeles to Santa Monica to the workplaces of an authentic medical professional to the stars, whose Hollywood customers includes starlets, authors and motivational masters, and who boasts know-how in energy medication, integrative medication and bioidentical hormone replacement treatment.

Rather, my NuCalm experience began in a (actively) dimly lit waiting room that looked more like the living-room of an eccentric, well-traveled college professor than a medical center. The doctor was fashionably late not with another patient, simply in getting to the office. While the tardiness might usually have actually frustrated me, here, it appeared like part of the experience, almost like a sneak peek of the outcomes of the high-tech treatment that awaited me.

Throughout a quick consultation, the physician discussed the NuCalm procedure and summarized the science behind it (more on that later). The gist of the system, I learned, was this: I would chew a tablet of gamma-Aminobutyric acid, or -aminobutyric acid (or GABA, for short), a repressive neurotransmitter suggested to decrease activity in my nerve system.

I would listen, through headphones, to binaural beat music music with two various balanced pulses that activates Alpha and Theta brain waves, which are connected with the very first stage of deep sleep and meditation. Likewise, I would be blindfolded. And, in Doc Hollywood's workplace, I would do all of this while lying on a waterbed although the waterbed, I learned, is not a standard or needed element of the treatment.

I was led to a small exam space (or, possibly, a large closet), where I was offered a big GABA tablet and told to chew but not swallow it while the medical professional marked time the binaural beats and connected the Biosignal Processing Disc to my wrist. Lastly, after what seemed like a much longer duration of time than it possibly could have been, I was informed to swallow the GABA vitamin sludge, which had the artificially sweet, fruity taste and distinctly milky taste and texture of Flinstones vitamins that are a couple of months past their expiration date.

The NuCalm treatment itself was completely pleasant. The music was calming but interesting (I've since registered for a binaural beats playlist on Spotify bless the web). The milky, orange-adjacent taste of the GABA tablet didn't remain in a particularly noticeable way. And the waterbed was warmed, that made for a relaxing place to lie down and rest.

What am I doing incorrect? Why don't I feel calm? If science can't make me chill TF out, am I just a lost cause? Perhaps if I do a body scan, I'll be able to feel the results. That's a good concept. I'm going to do a body scan. This will resemble mindfulness on steroids orange-flavored, healthy steroids.

I am broken. I was wrong. It was not practically over. Maybe it's the kind of thing you can't feel in the moment, however I'll observe a substantial distinction when it's over. I have a lot work to do. Stop thinking of work and being stressed. That beats the entire purpose.

I asked how typically he advised that individuals come in for NuCalm treatments and he stated that it differs, but that some individuals "need it daily." I couldn't help however think, based on my experience and the lack of concrete outcomes, that that appeared excessive. He handed me some research study further discussing the science behind NuCalm prior to rushing off to his next appointment, and I left sensation disappointed and a little anxious about my failure to feel less distressed through the treatment.

For the record, it's not. I discovered the experience to be a little New Age-y in practice, however the system really is based in science. Drawing from neuroscience research into the patterns the brain goes through throughout natural periods of relaxation, every component of NuCalm is created to simulate that process and prompt a stressed brain to switch gears to a more relaxed state.

NuCalm works specifically on the body's inhibitory system, the GABAergic system. This gadget is bio-mimetic in that it resets the naturally taking place negative feedback loop of the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, which when properly functioning is expected to shut down and stop releasing cortisol from the adrenal glands after the end of a stressful occasion.

Individuals in this state are physically not able to have a distressed reaction. Within moments of application, users will start to feel remedy for the 'fight-or-flight' considerate nervous system action and their tension hormonal agent (cortisol) levels will start to decline as the HPA axis is hindered." Here's a quick breakdown of the science behind each phase of the NuCalm process.

It's really the primary repressive neurotransmitter system in brain circuits. Gamma-Aminobutyric Acid is a relaxation neurotransmitter that the body produces naturally when we're preparing yourself to sleep, so the strategy of utilizing GABA supplements to signify the brain that it's time to relax makes good sense. What's not completely clear, nevertheless, is how effective oral GABA supplements remain in triggering those advantages.

While some studies have actually revealed that GABA can cross the blood-brain barrier, others have shown the opposite, suggesting a possible placebo result behind perceived benefits of the supplements. Researchers agree that more research is needed to figure out how useful GABA supplements really are. According to NuCalm's website, the disc "simplifies the process of triggering the parasympathetic worried system, by tapping into the body's Pericardium Meridian with specific electromagnetic (EM) frequencies." The disc (which, again, was a round sticker, about the size of a quarter, that was used to the within of my wrist) was, undoubtedly, my greatest source of apprehension at the same time, and NuCalm's official explanation of the science behind it highlights the most Brand-new Age-y vibes of the company.

It is hypothesized that if you can restore the frequencies that take a trip through the Meridians you can reinstate ideal physiology. Each NuCalm disc holds the EM frequency patterns of GABA and its precursors to provide a pure biological signal to your body. When put on the within your left wrist, at your Pericardium-6 acupuncture point, the disc sends a signal to the pericardium of your heart to trigger regional parasympathetic nerve fibers, which then transfer the signal to your brain telling it to increase vagal nerve output and start the process of decreasing the body.

In 2017, Gwyneth Paltrow's GOOP promoted a $120 brand name of bio-frequency stickers, leading to a short-lived viral moment for the tech. Sadly for proponents of the devices, the action wasn't fantastic, with Mark Shelhamer, previous chief scientist at NASA's human research division, significantly decrying the GOOP-endorsed product as "snake oil." Although the NuCalm site describes that "each disc holds the electromagnetic frequency patterns of GABA and its precursors to provide a pure biosignal to your body," it's unclear exactly how putting the sticker on your wrist sets off that shipment.

Initial Thoughts: Subnautica

Type: Game

Start Date: 1/7/2021

Title: Subnautica

Genres: Survival, action-adventure, single player, open world

Progress: Shallows

Playthrough spoilers below

I feel, before we start, I should preference that I suck at games without clear goals. That’s just how I have always been. I enjoy completing goals and objectives, I find it satisfying and, while I have respect for gamers that can be plopped down in an open world, mess with the mechanics for a while, and fenagle their way through, I’m just not like that and that’s okay. Put me in a world like BOTW and I’ll get frustrated in a matter of minutes, put me in a more linear space like Outlast or a game with very specific goals like a Katamari Damacy game and I’ll thrive. So, Subnautica is not in my wheel house at all and my review will reflect this. Yet, that isn’t to say I completely hated the sections of the game I played.

Subnautica, in my opinion, is an undeniably beautiful game with inventive and wonderful creature designs. Now, I have a phobia when it comes to the ocean, though more specifically the deep ends.  I despise the way some fish look and those big, long creepy things that lurk in the depths send shivers down my spine and give me nightmares. But even I can’t deny that this makes the setting of Subnautica, trapped in the middle of an ocean filled with aliens (meaning you have little relief), even more appealing and intriguing. The further I go and the more things I interact with, the more I push past my fears, which is highly satisfying. I managed to swim fine at night despite this fear and apparently was braver than my partner about it. Can I get a high five? As far as game mechanics go, I love the fact that you can easily find quick sources of food and water in your environment rather than the game making it needlessly hard. In a bind, you can just grab a fish and eat it raw, some of the same fish offering sources of water if you use your crafting station. The crafting system is also pretty satisfying. The menus are easy to figure out and scroll through, having a smooth and sleek feel. While I prefer more direction, in a way, it is nice that they let you craft and build things at relatively your own pace. I also appreciate the oxygen, low food, and low water warnings, which can help new players focus on other things without being worried about spontaneously dying because they aren’t used to all the meters yet.

However, there is never good without the bad and this review would be amiss if it did not mention the games biggest flaw. There is absolutely no direction whatsoever. Now, I am not saying this to the extent of my taste, because even most open world games have some tutorials for certain aspects. Subnautica does not have this or, if they do, it is not made clear to the player at all. As hardcore or epic of a gamer as you might be, I think we can all agree that putting someone who has never ridden a bike before immediately on a bike with no training wheels and pushing them into the arms of God isn’t the greatest idea. There is a difference between spoon feeding your player/holding your players hand constantly and simply taking a moment to explain your game’s mechanics. In this sense, Subnautica is no longer a game of “trial and error” but a game of simply “error”. Trial and error can be very satisfying when done right. It gives the player room to breath and it can be very rewording when you find the right solution. This is one reason why I find games like Portal 2 so fun to play. Both Portal games were also notably great at introducing different testing mechanics without always outright explaining them. That is a world of difference between throwing someone in to collect and craft whatever, setting them up to go entirely in a direction that could harm or not benefit them in future gameplay at all. Hence the name “error”. It makes a good crafting system overly intimidating and dissuades the player from exploring too far out. Remember how I said that, relatively, you can craft things at your own pace? Well it certainly doesn’t feel like that at all. As a player, I constantly felt like I was running against veiled clocks because the game never fully explained what on Earth it was about. With it’s already complete lack of direction, it felt like a huge eel might rise from the depths and eat my little pod at any moment. It a shame players such as myself may feel this way, completely distracting them from the cool environments and atmosphere. 

Secondly, while swimming around in this world is fun, the way it controls is an absolute nightmare. It’s like everything I hated in every swimming mini game combined into one. It is extremely easy to swim past or too close to something and interacting is horrible. It feels like the item has to be in a specific position on your screen for the game to even acknowledge it and you usually have to be extremely close to it. Rather than being able to quickly read the names of things while swimming by, I have to stop, get it into the exact position, usually realize it isn’t something I need, then go up and get oxygen because that one action wasted most of it. This also means that, more riskier ventures that should be completely plausible after the player gets a hang of their current oxygen intact, are made extremely frustrating because it is so hard to just grab things and go. Sure a player could get used to this, after a while, but that doesn’t mean it couldn’t be smoother. During my play through I didn’t drown once and that’s honestly a miracle. Thirdly, despite my enjoyment of some of the crafting elements, the game seems to expect me to remember where I found random materials and my memory absolutely sucks. Subnautica is clearly a game that you play either with wonderful memory or with a notebook full of notes, which has never really been my style. 

In the end I can absolutely see why people love Subnautica. The environment and designs are a treat, some of the mechanics are pretty fun, and I imagine getting further into the game is super satisfying. However, some of these mechanics might get on the nerves of more casual gamers like me. This isn’t a game I’d play constantly nor is it anywhere near being one of my favorites, but I wouldn’t mind picking it up again in little bursts. 

Current Rating: 5.5/10

~ SuddenCoffeeMug☕

Cranberry

The ideal Holmes is tall and dark with sharp edges and an intelligent look to him, but also posh and with a sense that you could fold him into origami if you really tried. Dresses well, but wouldn’t look out of place sprawled dramatically over a couch in a dressing gown with a pipe and surrounded by drug paraphernalia. Once made a pillow fort and sat in it to think. Caught somewhere between handsome, pretty, and weird looking. Emphasis can be on any of the three. CANNOT have facial hair.

Holmes Adaptations

S-Tier

Miss Sherlock (Yuko Takeuchi) - 95%

You’ll notice, of course, that nowhere in the earlier description did I say Holmes needed to be white, a man, or even human. None of those qualifiers or the lack-thereof prevent someone from looking the part -- it simply becomes necessary to compare them to the characters around them. And when I picture a female Sherlock Holmes, Yuko Takeuchi embodies the exact image in my mind. Her sharp edges, piercing eyes, and impeccable fashion, along with the powerful weird energy she brings to the role, fit Sherlock perfectly. She does look more than a bit like she could kick my ass, but more in the manner she dominates the room, which is perfect for the character.

Sherlock Holmes (Jeremy Brett) - 85%

I haven’t watched this adaptation, though I’ve been meaning to get around to it. So this ranking is based solely on screenshots and promotional images. And honestly, as ugly as i find this guy, he totally nails it. He even kind of looks like the illustrations in the stories. I won’t give him a perfect score because his hair could be darker and his face is a little small, and there’s just barely something missing. But as far as “canon” Holmes adaptations go, he’s the cream of the crop.

A-Tier

Sherlock: The Abominable Bride (Benedict Cumberbatch) - 80%

Definitely the more accurate of the two Cumberbatch Holmes designs, the sleek fashion and slicked back hair complement Cumberbatch’s angular build and “somewhere between pretty and just weird” face. He’s tall, dark, and posh. If there’s anything holding him back it’s simply that even dressed up properly, there’s something still a bit modern looking about him.

Fate/Grand Order - 78%

Given that his design and presentation are a direct reference to both Brett and Cumberbatch’s portrayals, it’s a given he’d place so highly. It’s really hard to nail down a 2D Holmes, especially in the anime style this game employs, since it has a tendency to prettify characters by default. True to form, FGO Holmes is far neater and more precise than I’d like. But he’s by no means a bad design, and depending on the image he can really hit the spot for me; he’s definitely a chart topper in the realm of 2D Holmes.

Sherlock Holmes: The Furtive Festivity (Gregory Johnstone) - 75%

There aren’t many Holmes that we only get to see as an old man, in no small part due to the ACD estate’s notoriously malicious copyright practices. Johnstone ranks so highly not due necessarily to the details of his look, but the overall feel he embodies. This Holmes is soft, affectionate, more than a little floppy. His hair and costume portray a man well grown into his eccentric life, and his face is sharp and mature enough to suggest the brains underneath; even if that’s more wisdom than intelligence in this particular story. This is a Holmes designed by someone who really loves Sherlock Holmes, and it definitely shows.

BBC Sherlock (Benedict Cumberbatch) - 75%

Cumberbatch’s features still naturally suit Holmes well, and he’s tall and striking enough to cover the rest. But this isn’t a rating of his acting performance aside from the visuals it supplies; it’s hard to modernize Holmes, especially since it makes perfect sense for Holmes to gel well with the changing times; he was always a man ahead of his era. BBC Holmes’s trademark trenchcoat and curly locks aren’t traditional Holmes, but they suit him well enough.

Yuukoku no Moriarty - 73%

The long hair is an unorthodox take, but I'm certainly not complaining. YnM's Holmes definitely nails the youthful scientific exuberance of an early Holmes. It's clear they were going for a sort of BBC/ACD mix, but with their own spin. Pretty -- he is an anime boy, after all -- but all sharp edges and full of energy. Decent, way better than most anime Holmes designs manage.

B-Tier

Basil of Baker Street [The Great Mouse Detective] - 70%

Comparing the character to those around them is especially important when it comes to non-human characters, who naturally don’t have the same features. Putting Basil next to Dawson makes this abundantly clear, as they make a perfect portrait of Holmes and Watson. For a mouse, he’s thin, angular, even a little ratlike; all decisions that suit Holmes well. I have some complaints about his ensemble, though; while the dressing gown suits him well, his normal brown coat and hat don’t work so well with his fur; the monochrome look makes him come off a bit scruffy and unrefined.

A Study in Black - 68%

Rules are made to be broken, they say; here’s a Holmes with well maintained facial hair and who’s shorter than Watson, and yet I can without question say they were the right decisions. This Holmes takes a very different design approach than any other on this list, even the other modern takes, but he embodies the spirit of Holmes much more than if he’d tried to match every detail. Holmes is still gaunt and striking, eccentric and fashionable. He looks absolutely great.

The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes (Robert Stephens) - 62%

Stephens in this role is, I have to say, far too soft. But he’s playing a different sort of Holmes, and I can’t resist keeping him here. There are some parts of the look he has down; he certainly looks high class, and the softer elements of Holmes’ character look good on him. Holmes’ traditional costume, the hat and coat, look out of place on him. But that suits the message of the film, and may very well have been intentional.

C-Tier

Dai Gyakuten Saiban - 58%

Not the only blond Holmes on this list, but it doesn’t suit him as poorly. From a character design standpoint, it looks very good. As a Holmes, it’s unorthodox. He’s not gonna be a chart topper with it, but I wouldn’t rule it out. This Holmes’ real problem isn’t his coloration, merely that he’s much too conventionally attractive. His jaw is a bit too wide, curls a bit too lovely, the peek of lavender under his coat a bit too rich, and I can’t look at him for too long without blushing. Do some cocaine and get back to me.

Sherlock Holmes (Basil Rathbone) - 55%

Now, this one might be controversial. I don’t think Rathbone Holmes looks very good. I can’t put my finger on why; his head is the right shape, his nose very sharp, though his face looks very smooth and he seems overall vaguely packed in. Like he was plucked out of the sky just before walking on set. The shapes are all right, it just seems off to me. I guess what I’m getting is that his look is too obviously produced. He looks too much like an actor portraying Holmes, rather than Holmes. But I know he’s gonna be the guy a lot of people swear by, so I won’t defend this placement too hard.

Sherlock Hound - 45%

Really, what is up with the monochrome design on some of these cartoons. Sherlock Hound has the darker hat to make up for it, though, so it’s a little better. Applying the same rubric as Basil to him... doesn’t get the same results. As far as I can tell, this just looks like a normal dog. And a scruffy light-furred one, at that. There’s a contrast between him and Watson, sure, but it could’ve been pushed further. At the end of the day this is an average guy dressed as Sherlock.

D-Tier

Herlock Sholmes [Code: Realize] - 40%

This is a very pretty anime boy. I’d pick him first in whatever dating sim this is. ...Wait, this is supposed to be Holmes? How can you tell? Look, I know it’s hard to make an anime boy Holmes. Holmes’ key design elements aren’t his costume or his hair, they’re the things that make him unpolished. And anime dating sim boys don’t like to be unpolished. But really, this is just a steampunk boy who likes tea. Nothing here reads as Holmes to me.

Sherlock Holmes (Robert Downey Jr.) - 35%

Now, I love this movie. RDJ got me back into Sherlock Holmes when I was younger. And as this character, he has a very specific and well designed look. ...Does that look gel with canon Holmes? I don’t think so. He’s rough, he’s scruffy, he’s short and wide and strong-jawed, and he refuses to go for a clean shave. I like him a lot, but he’s not very Holmesian. He does, however, nail the eccentricity and his costume design works for him well. I do like a messy Holmes. So I won’t go any lower than this.

F-Tier

Basil [Blush Blush] - 28%

So, he’s got the outfit. There’s that. But otherwise... This is just some soft ugly anime boy cosplaying Sherlock Holmes. He doesn’t have a single trait that works in his favor. On top of that, he’s got the same problem the other Basil on this list had -- the all monochrome light brown just looks weird, and not Holmesian at all. And this boy doesn’t have the excuse of literally being a mouse. This is just an ugly design.

Elementary (Jonny Lee Miller) - 25%

Now, I've only watched a few scattered episodes of Elementary. Partially because I'm morally opposed to shows that only gender-flip half of the duo, partially because I’m absolutely outraged by the travesty they made Moriarty. But this isn’t a bad character, per-se.

But, like, this is just some dude. This isn't Holmes.

Sherlock Holmes [Clue] - 23%

I love Clue so much. That probably doesn’t surprise anyone. I have the season pass in this game, which automatically gives me every DLC character they add for free. So I was super excited to hear there was gonna be a Sherlock crossover. ...But this is just ugly. Another light haired square-jawed monochrome asshole pretending to be my favorite character. There’s nothing Holmes about this. (The rest of the designs in the pack are no better, but this isn’t about them.)

Skylar Holmes [Blossom Detective Holmes] - 20%

Now, Blossom Detective is a show that I famously disliked so much I immediately sat down and screenwrote my own Holmes cartoon on the spot. And Skylar certainly feels like she should be in the “part 2″ of this list, but a Holmes she is.

She's cute and she accessorizes well, but she's just not Sherlock Holmes by any stretch.

Sherlock Shellingford [Milky Holmes] - 10%

Now, look how cute she is! Sherlock Shellingford, present and accounted for. She’s got TWO Sherlock names so you know she’s the real deal. Now, this is just an objectively good design. She's exactly what she needs to be to serve the role she plays!

And that isn't Sherlock Holmes. Sorry.

Holmes & Watson (Will Ferrell) - 0%

Get out of my house.

Holmes Archetypes

Not all Holmes’ are meant to be the Canonical Sherlock Holmes, of course; some are just neat references, or characters who naturally fit into his role whether the author intended it or not. Let’s address them here, and remember that not looking the part doesn’t really reflect negatively on these ones as they’re stand-alone.

S-Tier

Dylan Reinhart [Instinct] (Alan Cumming) - 90%

Dylan is so point for point Sherlock Holmes that it’s hard to call him an archetype and not a straight adaptation, or possibly a rip-off if I’m being harsh. But I’m not supposed to be rating him by portrayal, just looks - and he’s really good. He’s the exact right blend of weird looking, though not as angular as he should be. His sharp eyebrows and nose and high hairline work fantastic, and he wears a suit very well. He’s a perfect little bundle of posh and nerves, and though he’s not perfect the fact that this isn’t actually supposed to be canon Sherlock Holmes makes this placement very unsurprising. He wouldn’t look out of place on the other list.

Hubert von Vestra [Fire Emblem: Three Houses] - 85%

Oh? What’s that? You don’t think Hubert von Vestra is a Sherlock Holmes archetype? Okay, then explain to me why he uses the word “sentiment” exactly twice in his supports. Atheists 1, Church of Seiros 0. Anyway. Let’s start with the obvious. Hubert looks like Benedict Cumberbatch. But, he looks like a vampire Benedict Cumberbatch who did a lot more cocaine. And if you don’t think Sherlock Holmes should look like a vampire, youre lying.

A-Tier

None yet. Please submit your Holmes and I will add them.

B-Tier

Heinwald [Dragalia Lost] - 67%

I would never look at this design and think "well, that's Sherlock Holmes". Heinwald looks more like a zombie or the bride of Frankenstein, very Halloween. His look being so specific does come at the expense of his Holmesness, but he's still got more than a few traits down and he’s an absolute treat.

L Lawliet [Death Note] - 65%

This is a very, very weird looking man. Key points: dark hair and eyes. gaunt, sharp, and mostly angular (though with a softer face). Extremely foldable. This man could 100% pass for Holmes, if someone else was dressing him. Put him in a suit, comb his hair? Yeah. It’d really work. But until then, he’s just most of the way there.

Kyoko Kirigiri [Danganronpa] - 63%

Kirigiri really gets jilted here, because she could be much higher. Unfortunately, she has to be part of a series that with only a few exceptions just reuses the same face and body for most of its female characters. Kirigiri definitely has the sharp and focused feel she needs to pass for Holmes, and she dresses well. The white hair is the opposite of the dark he usually touts, but it’s striking. Unfortunately, put her next to any other character in her series, and she blends back in.

Miles Edgeworth [Ace Attorney] - 60%

Feels a little weird to put Edgeworth on here when the actual Sherlock Holmes is in his game, but he fits the character much better if not the narrative role. So let’s go over the looks. His jaw is a bit wide, but he’s very pointy, and I certainly have never gotten the impression he’s a physically strong man. He’s very fashionable, and with his big cravat and sharp hair he makes a cutting silhouette. I’d say he needs a bit more to really nail the look, though.

C-Tier

Will Graham [Hannibal] (Hugh Dancy) - 45%

Despite being a noted Hannibal Lecter fan and possible homosexual, I still haven’t watched Hannibal. I’m taking people at their word that Will is a Sherlock; I definitely would have assumed otherwise looking at him. He reminds me deeply of BBC’s John Watson, and it’s hard to see anything else. But I don’t hate his look; he reads as clever, he looks good in darks, and I wouldn’t complain to see him cast as Holmes. He’s better than some of the lower-tiered canon Holmes actors, anyway.

Ranpo Edogawa [Bungo Stray Dogs] - 40%

This is another submission, and I don’t know who this boy is. I really doubt he’s actually a Holmes, given that he’s named after a real non-Doyle writer, but I was begged to include him. Let’s go. I really like his outfit. He’s got an aesthetic I like. Is it Holmes’? No. This kid looks like he’d fit way better as a Baker Street Irregular; maybe he should audition.

D-Tier

Gregory House (Hugh Laurie) - 35%

Take everything I said for Robert Downey Jr, and just mess up his hair a bit more. House is scruffy, poorly put together, and not wearing anything that costs over $100. As a Holmes, he’d work as one of his disguises; I wouldn’t be super surprised if this guy suddenly cleaned up and looked the part -- but it would take a lot of cleaning. I love his look, though -- again, he isn’t trying to be canon. House is an explicit Holmes parallel, but he’s still his own character.

F-Tier

Walnut Cookie [Cookie Run] - 20%

Given how much “Holmes costume” and “Detective costume” are conflated, it’s possible this gingerbread baby isn’t even supposed to be a Holmes reference, but I’ll take her. She’s an excellent design - but a standalone one. Shes too soft, warm, and curly looking to pull off canon Holmes.

Yes! Pretty Cure 5 GoGo Episodes 01-12

Roses are red, but roses are also blue.

Are you all ready for a precure overload for the next few weeks?

Yes, I'm back rewatching the previews precure series and reviewing them, and gotta be honest I'm so glad I'm back to doing these. Obviously, it would've been better if I had done the right thing and got back to doing these while Healin' Good was on hiatus and not now only 2 weeks before the show is back on TV (if the information we all have is correct), but I'm still suffering from the abstinence of my weekly precure dose anyway so this will fix the problem and give me an overdose for the next month or so.

Coming back to GoGo was a funny experience. Back in March I had watched about 10 episodes or so and I was HATING the show, I don't remember what was exactly that was making me feel that way but I seemed very aggressive in my notes, but for writing this post I decided to rewatch the episodes I had already seen, take new notes and everything, and in the second way around I liked this show WAAAAAY more. Like, if you compare my notes from March to the new ones I made this time around it's like two different people talking about two different shows.

Does this mean I think GoGo is perfect? Not really. I still have some problems, most of them were carried over from the first season, but after some more thought, the things I actually dislike are more or less related to a single character rather than the show as a whole. In fact, I think I liked these 12 episodes more than the first 12 of the first season and probably I like them more than the entire season as a whole? I think that because this is a sequel, I already know most of these characters, the dynamics they have, and the show doesn't need to take its time to explain those details to us leaving more space for them to work with the new characters for the season, also another thing that helps is that there are not many new characters outside the villains which gives the new additions to the cast even more space for them to shine.

I also like this season more on the thematic level. While on season 1 the themes were hopes and dreams, the theme for this season (at least from this starting point) is conveying/delivering your feelings which I feel works better for this cast than the theme of season 1 does, especially seeing how they really want us to buy in the romantic element for these two seasons. It is a bit on the nose, yes, after all, they have a delivery boy, a mailbox mascot, and a whole lot of letters going around, some of them even being sent by animals, but I like that. It's actually very charming seeing so many letters when we live in the era of e-mail where even e-mail is becoming "obsolete".

The plot of the season is, so far, pretty much the same. It's the Evil organization wants a Magical item related to Another world, that Magical item falls in the Precure hands, and the Evil organization starts to target them. The plot is so similar to the first season that they even have those useless little fairies that have no purpose at that all need to be collected on their transformation devices, this time around they at least have the excuse of looking for the monarchs, but still is a pretty bland part of the formula. But even taking this into consideration, as mentioned, I really liked these episodes by themselves, you know? The first episode was a really strong one, they have an episode focused on Urara that is also pretty good, and there's the one who's probably one of my favorite episodes ever where they're going to eat a cake but the cake goes missing and Komachi starts acting like a detective and they go on this very fun accusation game that later gets tied in with the villain of the episode and is just very absurd and also a lot of fun.

Another point I absolutely love for this season is the upgrade the girls got in terms of designs and powers. I love their new look, it's like they're wearing uniforms of different colors and it's just a new sleek design that in my mind really works well as bringing new air to the show. I also love how the new transformations look, much like what happened with Max Heart they got more vibrant and dynamic, and the new group roll call is also gorgeous, one of the most iconic of the franchise for sure. I also love the new attacks, especially Lemonade's, Mint's, and Aqua's that are very different from their season one attacks, I also like how despite not having an incantation/spell the animations aren't so long, they hit the sweet spot perfectly. And despite being more generic, I like the new phones they use as transformation items, if I wasn't so broke I would try to get one for myself because I really dig the design.

And speaking of powers, the action in this season has been SO GOOD??? After how much Yes relied on stock footage spam I wasn't expecting the jump in quality for the fight scenes would be this big. I don't know if they changed the art director or whoever is responsible for this part in the show in-between seasons but in these episodes, it has been awesome, the animation is very fluid, the fights are exciting, and even though the attack spam has been an element for some of them because the stock animations are shorter it doesn't feel as bad as in other seasons. It's sad that the show can't have everything so in a lot of cases whenever there's a fighting scene that is more detailed it means the other points in the episode will have drawings that are off-model (the most common thing I've noticed was Eyes in weird positions), but I think it's a fair trade.

The last part of this review will be to talk about the characters, and I'll start with where I have more problems just so we can end this up on a positive note.

So, it's not a secret my least favorite characters from the Yes cast are Coco and Nuts, and well that hate from season 1 comes back here but with some aggravating factors. Starting by the easy one, Nuts so far has been useless, if he had stayed in the Palmier Kingdom I wouldn't have made any major difference, at least not for these first 12 episodes. He's just there because the team needs a hub and for some reason, Karen can't use the storages of her family that aren't in use for herself, and that's it for Nuts.

Coco on the other hand... oh gosh. Do you know when during the first season I complained that Coco and Nuts human forms seemed like different characters than their fairy forms? So what happens with Coco here is something similar but is not really related to their form change and more with the character himself. Like, in the "prologue" in episode 1 fairy Coco is pretty much the Coco we left at the end of the last season then the butterflies appear and they have to go to the human world and getting there Coco assumes a sulky personality, thinking he alone is responsible for everything that is happening, and he starts to avoid the girls because he doesn't like that Nozomi is having to fight again, and yadda yadda yadda, and then Nozomi gives a speech to him and he's back to normal AND THERE WASN'T EVEN AN ENTIRE EPISODE OF HIM BEING LIKE THAT!!!!!!!! Like, I wouldn't like it if they had kept going on this line, but I think is much worse that they put in something that seems like it could be something deep, serious, that could bring interesting things in the future, and just drop that IN EPISODE FREAKING TWO. And then after this, he also loses his purpose, because Nozomi's infatuation(?) with him only comes up again in Episode 12 where they use it to make Nozomi feel jealous (which as we saw in the first season is a great plot, am I right?). All he does is be awfully dismissive to Milk and her letters, which yeah is in-character with what was shown in season 1 but it doesn't make it any less awful.

And probably the part of the plot I like the least is the royal drama that goes on with the Four Monarchs and Coco and Nuts. And the reason why I hate this is because when you stop to think the Monarchs are right to doubt from Coco and Nuts, but the show is obviously on their side so they wanna make the Monarchs seem like pricks that don't trust in CocoNuts despite they being such good guys. But like, they're two monarchs that rule over a kingdom, and they left their people unattended during a time of crises where the kingdom is rebuilding itself when it's pretty obvious that a certain brown squirrel could've been left behind and do the things people in power should do and lead their people. And the worst thing of all is that this could've been avoided if instead of making a shot of them looking at the Kingdom in the "prologue" they could just have them in whatever reunion they were having with the monarchs because then we could be in CocoNuts defense since in the first time they were absent from the kingdom was because everyone else had been taken and in the second time they would be in a much similar situation to the monarchs that also left their people without a leader to follow because they were under imminent attack. And I know this is a kids' show, I shouldn't be complaining about this since this is a thing kids would miss anyway, but well, I'm not a kid, I'll look at these things as an adult, and I could come up with a way to make them have the same results, without major alterations, but with a better justification for everything they were trying to do, and if even I, a nobody, can think of this, they most definitely could've come with something better.

Leaving the rants behind (just for a little bit), we have probably the most important addition to this cast, Mimino Kurumi, Milky Rose, also known as our favorite butt in the ass fairy, Milk. Speaking first about Milky Rose, I love her, I've always had, her design is great, her transformation item that doubles as a weapon is a lot of fun, and she's powerful as hell. I also like how we saw the process of Milk finding the Blue Rose seed and taking care of it as the episodes would go so it wasn't something that came out of nowhere, which I appreciate. My problems here come with how they portray Kurumi because while with the other girls she still acts the same, with Nozomi is like they reverted her character to the way she was back when she was first introduced and I don't like that. It's a cheap way to introduce a conflict that shouldn't even exist. And speaking of things that shouldn't exist, why is she keeping her identity secret anyway? Like there's no reason at all for that, is just to keep the secret vibes but even that doesn't work because while the show didn't tell our protagonists he information so they are in the dark and living the mystery, we as an audience already know Kurumi is Milk so it's a secret that it's not a secret thus it's not interesting.

But here's where the positives start to appear again because we also have Syrup's (and Mailpo) addition to the cast and I really like him. We don't have much info on him yet other than a few flashes of his past/thing he's looking to find in the Cure Rose Garden, but these episodes served to establish how he'll interact with these characters and the things he has learned with them that help in building the base for his development. Another aspect of him that I like is that he's very connected to the "delivering your feelings" theme of the show, and not just because he's a delivery boy. He's something that sees the emotional value of things and these are things he wants to protect, and judging by his actions I feel like the only way he feels so keen on this is because he probably lost something or someone important to him and that will connect with his backstory somehow, and I'm very excited to see more of him (and to know if my theory is correct too).

I wanted to have a paragraph for our heroines but not a lot changed for them, they had good character-focused episodes in this first batch but none of them actually was developing anything, at least not anything that was new so there's not a lot left to talk about them. And I kinda feel the same way about the villains, the Eternal is pretty much like a museum and I like their concept as villains, but Scorp wasn't very interesting as a general, and Bumbee became Team Rocket (which is not a bad thing) so there wasn't much out from the villains just yet for me to be able to give them any more elaborated opinions.

All in all, this was a very good set of episodes and I'm feeling that the journey with GoGo will be a good one.

So, that's it from me for now, what are your thoughts on GoGo? Are you also in the team that thinks this OP slays and it's one of the best of the franchise like I am? Did you also felt compelled to buy one of those rose-scented aroma diffusers after this show? Let me know what you think in the comments down below. Stay healthy, stay safe, never stop resisting, thank you so so much for reading until this far, and until the next time, see-ya~

                               「READ ALL ABOUT IT!」

Word on the street is Années Folles is about to welcome a swath of new skeletons - and here’s the scoop! Below the cut, you’ll find a shortlist of our top twelve notions for new muses, as narrowed down by our voters. It was close! Once you’ve taken a look-see, members and passers-by alike, send us your TOP FIVE! That’s right, we’d love to hear from you! Consider the wondrous possibilities, then drop an ask with your favourite five in our eager inbox.  

We do hope you’ve all had a fabulous Friday, and if you have any questions at all, about our application, our masterlist, or whatever else comes to mind, please don’t hesitate to inquire!

Sincerely yours, avec nos meilleures salutations… Admins Amy & Gray

And without further ado - our shortlist! 

✺ THE ACTOR-MANAGER.   performer Since childhood, you’ve barely gone a day without being under a spotlight. Leading a company through six plays a week certainly isn’t everyone’s idea of a worthwhile living; you, though, couldn’t ask for anything better. You’ve found real success in the rep system. It isn’t all reverence and professionalism, however - everyone likes having their ego fed, you as much as anyone. But where’s the harm in that if the audiences come rushing back night after night? And they do, just to see you. You’re a star, and you’ll make sure everyone damn well knows it, or else.

✺ THE BOOKWORM.   public Naive, sheltered, dull. To most people, your quiet upbringing seems absolutely dreadful. But you managed, chiefly with the help of stories. You dove into all kinds of fantastic tales in your youth, only surfacing to eat, drink, or sleep when absolutely necessary. It’s these two things - a devotion to words and sheer force of will, that have landed you at the top of your classes at the Sorbonne, and goodness, are you thrilled. The insularity of the ivory tower suits you perfectly, and you’re determined to climb to the top. But now that you’re in Paris, will you take the opportunity to see what other stunning places your brain could take you, or choose to stay in your lane? 

✺ THE BRUISER.   rogue You knew it wouldn’t be easy to make it to the top of your game, but you’ve always been so sure you have what it takes, and nobody will ever convince you otherwise. You just need your shot, that’s all. As quick as one of your near-legendary jabs, as spectacular as your almost-infamous haymakers. You’re so, so close. And if it takes a few unsavory friends, a couple dark deeds, to go all the way… you’re willing. Or, at least, you thought you were. Sometimes, as you wrap your swollen knuckles for the next round, you can’t help but wonder if you’re getting in too deep. But the only way out is through, you figure. As true in life as in the ring. Anyway, there’s no backing out now. Is there?  

✺ THE CONSERVATOR.   public Art might not have been your first love, but your adoration for creativity has turned out to be a lifelong, vibrant affair. You came to Paris to be a part of all that, smiling giddily through your academy classes and plein air projects. It was in the halls of the Louvre that you found your calling, though. Winding through the wings, you saw more than inspiration on the walls and plinths. Every neglected artifact left you aching, every faded painting cut you to the quick. These masterworks needed caring for, the way you cared. With heart and soul. You’ve been looking after the museum’s pieces ever since, trying to mend what you can, to create a collection that honours the fullness of human expression, as you understand it. As you love it. As you hope others will, for generations.  

✺ THE DEBUTANTE.   psociety New things are more normal to you than the heady combination of champagne and small-talk – oh, and the admiring gazes of others, of course. The jewel of the family, your light, almost dotty demeanor has left all who meet you intoxicated with your charisma. Underneath the giggles and sweetness, however, you possess a real head for human nature and a ferocious determination to get what you want. Despite your youth, you know you’re destined for great things –and you’re ready to charm, cajole, and manipulate whoever you have to in order to achieve those goals.  

✺ THE DREAMER.   public The night skies over gay Paris aren’t the only sight full of stars - so’s your bar! Every night, you mix drinks and swap gossip with the Bal’s fabulous patrons, pouring champagne for kings and queens, basking giddily in the glow of the only celebrities you much care to mind. They’re your family - and your inspiration. Ever since you discovered the city’s bright, queer corners, you’ve known your destiny. You’re meant to be under the stagelights, like your idols: perfectly poised as the curtain rises, ready to face your adoring fans. In the meantime, being close enough to pass their glasses and pick up their tricks is almost enough. You just have to work up the nerve to try. You’ll get there. Someday.  

✺ THE EMCEE.   performer By night, you conduct the revels of the Bal with scintillating style, a master of ceremonies non-pareil. By day, you manage a host of well-made investments with gracious aplomb and entrepreneurial acuity. You’ve built something, in Paris; under your sheltering wings, your community doesn’t merely survive, but thrives, joyful and growing. These days, you’re popular far beyond your milieu - a pillar of the city, patron and artist all at once. And you throw a hell of a party, of course.  

✺ THE NEWSIE.   public Stories are powerful things; few appreciate that fact so much as you, for stories are your passion, and your bread and butter besides. A staple of some of the finest magazines and papers in the city, you’re out at all hours - chasing leads, asking quick, clever questions, and taking in every tale the City of Lights has to offer, from the strange to the everyday, whispered in the salons of the spectacularly wealthy, laughed about on the humblest street corners, scrounged from every end of town. Meaning you’re never short of work, for sure!  

✺ THE PRETENDER.   rogue Mother Russia was never kind, and you weren’t at all confident that the so-called glorious revolution would change that. So you took what you could carry - and you chose well, picking gems from the ruins of the aristocracy you once served - and ran. Sure, maybe you’re a pessimist, but at least you’re alive to tell the tale. Or, a tale, anyway. It’s become such a spectacular story, growing ever grander with each recitation, thrilling your new, unlikely friends, here in the highest echelons of Parisian society. None of whom seem to have noticed the holes in your plot, the slip-ups you pass off as the lingering effects of shock and melancholy. The truth is, you stumbled into a new life, a sweet life - someone else’s life, paid for with their own prize jewels and your silver tongue. Can you keep the ruse going, or will your secrets cost you everything?  

✺ THE PROFESSOR.   society When people look at you, the images that most often spring to mind are those of steadiness and reliability. In your years within the walls of the Sorbonne, you’ve had a life that engenders envy. A life entirely dedicated to scholastic endeavour has been more than adequate for you, and now, you’re ready to reap some of the benefits. You have some time on your hands and need a new research project. Perhaps some of the colorful characters around the city that you hear whispered about could help you. They make your colleagues shiver, these bohemians, but something about that intrigues as well as terrifies you.  

✺ THE RETAINER.   public Unlike all the shining lights in Paris these days, your greatest skill isn’t your charm, or star quality, but the very opposite; for years now, you’ve blended expertly into the wallpaper at every society event, your razor-sharp attention to detail meaning that your employers’ dinner, or their perfect outfit, or much-needed glass of wine appear as if by magic , almost before they’ve even thought of any such needs, wants, and whims for themselves. Proud as you are of your professionalism, lately you’ve been feeling different. Antsy. Exasperated. Bitter. So many years of listening on the outside of the conversations of the rich and famous. You almost want to do something about it. But what? 

✺ THE VISIONARY.   artist More than half of the hottest houses in this town owe their beauty to your brilliance, if you do say so yourself. Angularity, glitz, and above all modernity are what wake you up in the morning. Lately, Paris seems like a wonderful place to be waking up to. Every week, there’s a new trend around the corner - some element of theatrical design transmitted into the home, or a new, clever convenience the public is desperate to have. It’s a little scary - you’d hate to fall even a little bit behind. But, God, is it intoxicating too. The world is looking more modern than ever, and the people are clamouring to embrace the mechanized, the sleek, and the new, in seemingly every form. Your job is simple. Keep dreaming, keep creating, and keep ahead of the curve. 

Don't forget to toss your top five along! We can't wait to stack up the votes.

lead me into the light

Title: lead me into the light (ao3) Beta: @counting2fifteen (also thanks to @sudden-sky and @candanandphilnot for their encouragement) Word Count: 4k Rating: T Warnings: Aliens, horror, open/ambiguous ending

Summary: Dan and Phil are part of a crew of space explorers currently embarking on a dangerous mission to check out a supposedly lifeless planet far away from home.

Author Notes: this was written for the @phandomficfests holiday exchange! i posted it on ao3 a few days ago and now it’s finally revealed! lots of fun to write and happy holidays again @nebulaearecool

Thump. A muffled pat to Phil’s shoulder. “All right, you’re good. Do mine now.”

Phil stood slowly, the heavy material fully encasing his torso and legs weighing him down, and turned to face his partner. Now that the back of his suit was zipped and buttoned in all the different ways it could possibly be zipped and buttoned, he could work on Dan’s. He gestured, the thick gloves on his hand hampering the movement. “Turn around.”

Dan turned, and Phil reached for the long zipper on the back of his suit. The zippers were massive, made to be handled with the bulky gloves, but they were still difficult to manage. He managed, though, and made his way to the next zipper, this one layering over the first. They were designed like this in order to create an airtight seal between the person who wore the suit and whatever environment they might encounter.

“You guys almost ready?” a voice called from the next room - PJ, who was their pilot that had flown the two explorers down to the planet’s surface.

“Five minutes,” said Phil in response, not bothering to raise his voice. This space was so confined that it wouldn’t even be necessary. His fingers brushed over the ‘SSSE - SuperSonic Space Explorers’ logo as he tugged the last zipper shut. It was a mouthful, their twelve-person team name. Phil liked to just call them “the Sonics,” but to his disappointment, none of the others had quite caught a liking to it yet. It was particularly funny, Phil decided, because walking was usually mind-numbingly slow once they got outside of the transporters.

Phil was finished in three more minutes and then all they had were their helmets. Dan picked up his, the dome sleek and shimmering in his hands, but Phil caught him before he put it on. Sneaking a sly glance at the opening that led to the next room, he reached a few fingers to turn Dan’s jaw toward him, and then he swept in to land a quick kiss against the pink hue of Dan’s lips. Dan’s mouth curled into a smile and his dimples appeared, which was exactly what Phil had wanted to happen.

“There,” said Phil, satisfied, and slipped his own helmet over his head. Air hissed around his ears as it settled into place and automatically pressurized his suit. Pale blue light flickered across the glass of his helmet, displaying information from the internal computer. “Now we’re ready.”

They headed toward the tiny cubicle on the side of the room and squeezed inside. A panel slid shut, sealing them inside, and then, in the next room, PJ hit the button that allowed them outside. Another panel on the opposite side of the cubicle slid open and bitter, unfamiliar air rushed in. If they weren’t wearing their suits, this atmosphere would have pulled the air from their lungs.

Dan and Phil stepped outside.

Outside was an alien, otherworldly landscape. It rolled and dipped in unnatural heaves around them, alternating rocks leaping in jagged spires toward the sky and yawning pits plunging far down toward the planet’s core. They were settled on one of the flattest places on the entire planet, but it was still a steep incline.

The panel hissed shut behind Dan and Phil as their wide shoes thumped lightly on the ragged surface. Their ship, behind them now, was a sleek, small thing, barely larger than a school bus. It didn’t need to be much bigger, as it was just a transport. The actual deep-space carrier, a cruise ship-sized, sturdy thing, waited for them just outside the harshest pull of this planet’s gravity.

It was easy to walk here, Phil found, as his feet picked up much easier than it did on their ship’s artificially-induced gravity. The gravity here was a little weaker than Earth’s. Their suits weighed them down though, as well as the magnet-lined soles of their boots. The restrained magnets wanted to cling to the iron-rich surface of the ground, so if Phil ever found himself taking too large of a step, he could simply activate an electrical current and settle his feet back on the ground.

The speaker inside Phil’s helmet crackled with static, but it was just Dan, and not a transmission from PJ.

“Two hundred samples, right?” Dan confirmed. The speaker lagged just a little behind his words, and it would be disconcerting to see Dan’s mouth moving right before his voice came through if Phil wasn’t used to it by now.

“Yeah,” Phil agreed. He patted the side of his suit, where the bulky material held rows and rows and rows of tiny containers tucked in cute pockets. “The planet has already been classified as dead, so we’re just getting environment samples. We should be able to get at least fifty today.”

“They distance-classified it though, didn’t they?”

Phil shrugged automatically, but it was lost beneath his thick suit. “Yeah, but we’ve never had a problem with those before. It’s not hard to calculate if something living can evolve on a planet.”

Dan looked dubious, but he nodded and they continued on, navigating around the upheavals and dips of the surface. The display on their helmets guided them toward a chalky rock spire that was a few hundred metres downhill from the transporter. It wasn’t that far, but the ground was tumultuous, and it took them a good twenty minutes to navigate their way to it.

“Walking back up there is going to suck,” said Dan once they reached the spire, glancing back up the incline to the transporter. It was only halfway visible now, the top protruding sleek and elegant over the uneven terrain between them.

Phil agreed but, “At least we don’t have to go back up for a few hours.”

Dan was wearing a full-body spacesuit, but his disgruntled posture was clear anyway. “It’s been a hundred years since interstellar travel became possible and they still haven’t invented teleporters. We shouldn’t have to walk anywhere.”

“It’s good for us,” said Phil. “We need exercise.”

Offended, Dan argued, “We have a gym in the carrier.”

“Which you never use,” Phil pointed out.

Their radios both crackled. “Guys,” PJ called over the connection, his voice patchy and riddled with static. “Your lines are open. I can hear you.”

They simultaneously disconnected their connection from the radio back at the transporter. Every one of the other nine members of their team was aware, on some level, that Dan and Phil were together, but that didn’t mean that either of them wanted their conversations overheard.

“We’re all alone now,” said Dan and winked at Phil.

In response, Phil poked out his tongue in a mature fashion, and then they turned toward the rock spire and began collecting samples.

The process wasn’t difficult, it was just time-consuming. For only one sample, Phil had to go through numerous steps and not make a mistake on any of them. This was what his six-year stint in university and then the training academy had taught him. Well, that, and a few functions for their transporter. He had to know how to fly the transporter back to their deep-space carrier, just in case something happened to the pilot.

He would select a particular area of the rock and hold his scanner over it for a few minutes. Once the scanner confirmed the basic element of the rock, he would scoop out the small sample and log its information, then deposit it into one of his many sample containers. If any of the items he scanned were too similar to another log he had taken, he had to move on. Dan’s scanner synced with his as well, so there weren’t any accidental double-logs of the same sample.

This rock spire was chalky on the surface, but Phil only had to scoop out one sample to find that there was a different material underneath, a thicker, more porous rock. This spire would likely provide between three to five samples, so they would spend at least an hour here.

They took their time collecting the rock samples. It wouldn’t do to mislabel anything and have to come back later to try to find the same material again. They found six total samples at this rock spire, with Dan documenting four of the surface layers and Phil digging deeper to get a more porous rock, which took considerably longer.

Once they had scanned most of the spire and couldn’t find any results that differed from what they had already found, they moved further down the incline to another, more steeply-angled spire. Phil collected samples from the base while Dan heaved himself up onto a ledge to reach up higher. They weren’t going to be able to get up further than that today, but they would bring the heliprobes tomorrow. The tiny probes, assisted by artificial intelligence, could fly up to the highest reaches and retrieve samples, but it still required documentation by one of the explorers.

“There isn’t much up here,” Dan called down to Phil, whose head was ducked barely millimetres from a strangely striped rock formation. “It’s mostly material we’ve already sampled. I think a lot of the surface material is the same.”

Phil frowned at the striated rock in front of his nose. “I think you’re right.” He scanned the rock anyway and took a sample. Dan was finished with his ledge by the time Phil had completed the labelling process, so he climbed down next to Phil.

They both spared a glance back up the incline, but the transporter was out of sight at this point. There were too many hills between them.

“Well,” said Phil, “I guess we need to keep going down. Let me tell PJ first, though.” He tapped the screen on the back of his right hand, the thick material of his gloves barely making a sound against it, and the line to their pilot opened instantly. “Hey, PJ,” he greeted. “We have about ten samples so far, but we need to go down further. There’s not a lot of variety right here.”

PJ’s voice was fuzzy when it came through. “You’re...down? How many...found?”

Phil tapped the screen, his eyebrows furrowing. He exchanged a glance with Dan, who shrugged helplessly.

“The aluminium elements in the rocks here are probably dampening the radio waves,” Dan offered.

“I guess,” said Phil, but he couldn’t help the purse of his lips. “There must be more than we calculated, then.” He spoke again to PJ, a little slower this time. “We’re going further down. Three hours max.”

“Cheers!” said PJ, the static surrounding his voice clearing a little. “See you...a bit!”

Phil closed the connection and then they continued down the steep hill. It went down for a good while, sloping gently somewhere a mile down and then sloping harshly upwards again. The distance was pitted with jagged dips and spears of rock.

This entire planet was something harsh and wrecked, sharp in every way it could be. It was a good distance from its star, enough so that the temperature wasn’t unbearable, but it was still considerably warmer than any human could survive. Their suits regulated the temperature, as well as supplying them with the proper amount of air, since the atmosphere wasn’t breathable either. Nothing about the planet was hospitable toward life.

They stopped once they’d manoeuvred further down for about thirty minutes. The muscles in Phil’s thighs were aching by the time they reached their temporary destination. He didn’t look forward to climbing back up to the summit.

The new place where they chose to collect samples was a shallow depression in the ground. It was only shallow compared to the other pits in the area, though: it was well over ten metres deep and a few dozen metres wide. It had ridges of rock lining the edge, so it wasn’t too difficult to climb down into. The bottom of the depression was dark and dangerous-looking, but Phil had a light installed into his helmet and wasn’t too worried. He found hand- and footholds on the side of the pit and hoisted himself over the edge, making his way down painstakingly slowly. Dan followed, a little to Phil’s left. The silver dome of his helmet glinted dully with the light from the planet’s star for a few moments, and then slowly vanished as they descended.

Phil turned on his helmet’s light before he reached the bottom. The rocks he gripped were sturdy, but the light was dim down here, and he didn’t want to misstep even if his suit was thickly padded and an uneven landing likely wouldn’t hurt him. The beams of light from his helmet glanced over the dark rocks as Phil hopped the last half metre to the ground and surveyed the area. It was jagged with rocks, just like the surface, but considerably smoother. The rocks’ appearance was different too, which was what Phil had been hoping to find.

Dan landed with a solid thump beside Phil and grinned over at him, the internal light from his helmet lighting up his face in an eerie glow. “Exercise,” he said. “Are you happy?”

“No,” said Phil, but he was grinning back. The lag through their communicators was funnier than anything else to Phil - it was like watching a movie with the audio a few seconds behind. He might be used to it by now, but that didn’t make it less hilarious. Their radios were the newest model and they were two metres away from each other, but somehow scientists couldn’t figure out how to make it work without a lag.

“My legs are going to be noodles by the time we’re done,” Dan mourned, already turning toward the wall of the pit. His own light flashed briefly through the thick darkness around them, the natural light far above them.

Phil went in the opposite direction Dan decided to go, but they still stayed close. The opposite end of the hole wasn’t far, and yet Phil’s light beam didn’t quite pierce the darkness that far. He didn’t like that.

“I’ll get this side,” said Dan, and even only a few metres from Phil, there was a slight crackle from the transmission. Phil frowned at the scratching and made himself a mental note to get their radios checked out once they made it back to the carrier.

Phil began collecting a sample from the nearest rock face of the wall that he had climbed down. He held the scanner over it, moving not an inch as it slowly, slowly scanned. After the few minutes passed, the scanner lit up with verification that it was a different element from the rocks on the surface. Satisfied, Phil performed the necessary steps to retrieve a sample. He could see Dan doing the same on the rock wall. They continued the repetitive tasks, moving slowly away from each other as they filled the tiny sample containers.

The samples weren’t heavy but as they added up, Phil could begin to feel their weight. He was glad they didn’t have to wear their oxygen tanks on this planet, at least. That would have added a solid hundred pounds to an already heavy suit. Since this planet’s atmosphere was within eighty percent of Earth’s, their suits’ filtration systems could pull enough oxygen from the air for them to breathe, for now, anyway.

Phil was on his fourth sample when he reached a sheer portion of the wall that looked impenetrable, but when he held the scanner over it, he could see the minute cracks in the surface. It tempted him with its unnatural formation, so he ignored the procedure for a moment and lightly brushed a gloved finger over it. Pieces of the rock crumbled beneath his touch.

“Huh,” said Phil aloud. He glanced around for his partner. “Hey, Dan, do you - ” And he stopped, because Dan wasn’t collecting samples. He was on the far side of the pit - how had he gotten over there so quickly? - and he was crouched down close to the wall, veiled in shadows. Phil only saw him because the light on Phil’s helmet glanced off the metal on Dan’s suit zippers.

Phil’s words finally made it to Dan, since Phil could see him straighten and then turn toward Phil. There was silence for a moment, Dan’s face still shrouded by the oppressive darkness of the pit, and then his voice came through the scratchy speakers.

“I heard something.”

Phil took an instinctive step back. “You what?” He must have misheard Dan.

Another pause as his words made their way to Dan and then Dan’s reply made its way back to Phil. “I heard something,” repeated Dan. “Like something moving.”

A whisper of fear shivered up Phil’s spine. This planet wasn’t prone to shifting, as far as he had read in the reports, but the reports didn’t know everything. If the ground was going to shudder around them in an earthquake, then they needed to be far away from here.

“Are you sure?” he asked, still unmoving. The sleek wall beside him breathed a few puffs of dust as his glove brushed against it again. His scanner was held slack in his other hand.

Dan started moving toward him. It was barely noticeable, since he was still mostly cast in shadow, but Phil could see his helmet bobbing up and down as he walked. It would look horrifically ominous if Phil didn’t know that it was Dan.

A terrible shriek of static came through the internal speakers of Phil’s suit, and he winced at the noise. It stopped just as Dan really came into the view of Phil’s spotlight, his face fading from obscurity into the clearly defined slopes of his furrowed brows and his moving lips. His - moving lips? Phil squinted to see what he was saying since the transmission still hadn’t come through his speakers.

“Won?” he offered, confused. “Hun?”

There was another burst of static, and then Dan’s voice came through as clearly as if he had been standing right next to Phil. The shadows behind him, thick in the murk, began moving.

“Run!”

Phil ran.

The suit weighed him down, but his legs were long and he covered ground swiftly. The area of the wall that he had climbed down wasn’t that far, anyway, just a dozen metres to his left. He hesitated for a moment before he put his hands to the rock. Dan wasn’t far behind him, but something was moving in the dark behind Dan. It was fast, and it was getting closer. Phil climbed.

He couldn’t hear anything through the radio between him and Dan, and he didn’t know if that was better or worse. His mind spun as he climbed, darting between Dan, their pilot still out of range of their transmitter, the carrier just outside the gravity pull of this planet, and then to whatever the thing was behind and below him.

His fingers scrabbled for purchase in his rush, and he almost slipped more than once, but his panicked mind was just clear enough to keep him steady. He looked down more than once, heart rising with relief when he saw Dan just below him, climbing at a steady pace. He didn’t let himself look past Dan’s set expression to the mass of writhing shadows that was beneath both of them.

The top was five metres away, then two, then one, and then Phil was pulling himself up over the edge. His shoes thudded solidly on the ground, but instead of immediately beginning to run up the incline back to the transporter, Phil turned to reach down and help Dan up the remaining distance.

His shadow fell over Dan, still climbing, as he crouched down and stretched out a hand for Dan to grab as soon as he was within reach. He looked into Dan’s eyes, the usual warm brown eyes swimming in terror, and he felt something take a hold of his gut and wrench in matching dread.

Then, fear pulled his gaze past Dan’s set expression and he saw what was following them. His brain rejected it immediately. It was nothing like anything he had ever seen before, on any planet. His first disbelieving thought was that the classification for this so-called dead planet had clearly been wrong. Maybe this wasn’t life as scientists considered it, but it was something that could move, and was wreathed in shadows, and it had teeth.

And it was reaching for Dan.

Dan snagged Phil’s outstretched hand just as a tendril of something dark and wirey slipped around Dan’s ankle. Dan shuddered in horror, his other hand grasping uselessly at the ledge where Phil was kneeling.

Phil solidly grasped Dan’s gloved arm with both hands and threw himself backwards with all his might. There was a strain, a moment of uncertainty, and then Dan scrambled up over the ledge, clutching to Phil in desperation. This time, Phil could clearly see what he was mouthing, although their communicators had evidently decided to give up the ghost on them.

Run, run, run, run.

So they both ran. Their boots thudded against the ground, suits slowing them as they sprinted up the incline that they had trekked down only twenty minutes before.

It took them less than ten minutes to make it back up the hill. Phil didn’t look back once. Dan did, and every time his gaze fell upon whatever had made it out of that pit with them, he picked up the pace just a little. Their communicators didn’t work the entire way back. Something had broken deep inside the devices, nothing that could be fixed on this planet, the transporter, or even out in the carrier. By some miracle, neither of them fell the entire way up.

The door to the transporter was already sliding open as Dan and Phil rounded the last rock spire. PJ must have seen them on the low-range radar, then.

They stumbled through the door to the tiny compartment right inside, and Phil immediately hit the emergency button that slammed shut the outermost door. He heaved in deep breaths, the filtration system working overdrive in his suit as it acclimated to the new pressure inside the transporter. He could see Dan doing the same beside him, bending over as he grasped his knees and coughed. The small room was usually comforting in its confined space, but now it felt suffocating. It still hadn’t opened to the main compartment, where Dan and Phil had spent their time getting suited up earlier.

The speaker above their heads crackled before a voice came over. “Guys,” said PJ. A long moment passed and he didn’t continue. His breath sounded wet over the speaker.

Dan straightened, still panting, and his and Phil’s gazes locked. Neither of them blinked as they waited for PJ to continue.

Something outside thumped against the transporter. The walls shuddered with the movement, but the door didn’t move. Phil’s heart hadn’t slowed from their race up the hill, but now it thudded even more dangerously against his breastbone. They weren’t moving, but the thing outside was.

“Guys,” said their pilot again. They could hear a cough. “Hey, guys. Sorry.”

Phil barely dared to let out a sound, but he darted his tongue to lick his dry lips before asking, “Sorry?” PJ probably couldn’t hear him anyway.

Another heavy breath sounded through the speakers. A thud came from the main compartment of the transporter, just two metres to Dan’s left. There was no air in Phil’s lungs.

One last sentence from PJ.

“Something got in.”

How to lose 30 kilos in 6 months and love every minute

Part 1 > Revelation in France Three years ago, my wife and I decided to call time on our marriage. It was a sombre final chat in the kitchen, sharing the last bottle we might ever share. We were sad but it made perfect sense. We’d tried. My wife said she’d move out down to her parent's house in the country and she asked me what I'd  do, I picked something random from the top of my idiot head and said “Spain.” “Spain?” she said and “Spain” I repeated. No idea where it came from. Maybe I just wanted my departure to be more triumphant, a little more exciting than moving in with parents. Whenever we’d have a fight, that’s what she’d do. I'd run my consultancy for twenty odd years and over that twenty odd years, my role had evolved into taking clients to lunch, dinner, shows and spectacles.  Nice if you can get it but it took its toll on my fitness. By the time I drove off to the Channel Tunnel, I was eighteen stone and I hadn't played a meaningful game of football in years. For some reason, a revelation always hits me a while after the event, more autopsy than eureka. Something that seemed so clear suddenly fogs up in deference to the new truth. Of course she was right, idiot. You always knew that. “If you can’t respect your own body,” she said. “How can anyone else?” And there it was. Respect your body. Respect your mind. Fitness. Breathe new air. Everything is going to change. If my automated blurting of “Spain” was taking me to Spain, then let it be Spain. I would return  triumphant, slim, toned and sleek and everyone would say how awesome and happy and better-without-her I was. I was more than halfway from Calais, driving to a small French town called Île de Ré, an island off La Rochelle on the West Coast. I remember the exact spot because the signs had shown their first direction to Le Mans. From that sign, 300km shy of my target, facing three more driving hours, I lost a lump of time I can’t account for. The next thing I knew there were signs for La Roche Sur Yon. I remembered it from my planning stage because it was pretty close to where I was headed. The sat nav confirmed I was suddenly only an hour from Ile de Rey in what seemed like a blink. I couldn't tell you why it happened and I have no idea what, if anything, I was thinking in the missing time. What I can tell you is the clarity on the other side. My new start. My new energy. My mission. Maybe the universe had supplanted a new person into me. Maybe it took me time to reboot. It felt like it. At that moment, I couldn’t possibly have imagined anything else. I’d booked a little room overlooking the harbour at Le Colonnes. I was soon checked in and I unloaded laptop and cables to start the mission I hadn't quite fleshed out yet. 6 foot 1. 18 stone. I fumbled my finger over the Body Mass Index chart, into the blue, sailing past green and into the orange, and just before getting into the red, there it was. My number. My target. 32.  I was actually clinically obese. I needed to be 24 to fit into that little green zone of health and fitness. 25% of my bodyweight was surplus. This was a holy **** moment as I pulled back from the screen. I closed the laptop and swore foulness on that 25%. My mission had shown its numbers and my plan had started. That night would be the finest French cuisine a man can enjoy and the next day, everything would change. Part 2 > Mission Planning I woke up remembering Le Skipper in the harbour, the fillet steak with crushed pea purée and dauphinoise potatoes that would serve as my turning point.Something I wouldn’t deserve again until my mission was accomplished. I was still buzzed. Normally, revelations are flushed with the first order of the day but not this one. The morning  after a revelation is a test of human willpower. If you fold at such an early point, there is literally no hope for you. If the stakes are this important and you fold, you, my son, are an idiot. As one lady said to me more than once, “It’s not a rehearsal, boy.” I wasn't sure if I was still an idiot or not yet as all manners of sweet and savoury things greeted me in the  breakfast room at the hotel. Bacon, eggs croissants, jam, cheeses and hams, but hang on, my eyes focused on something else, like they were being moved by another force. The fruit section. Normally I'd  be starting a three course mini marathon under the guise of getting the day some energy. Today though, I took a little bowl and filled it to the top with melon and orange, mango, cherries and all colour of things and I sat down with orange juice and looked over at big people and little people, busy people and relaxed people. I knew I was on a different level to them, just for now, in the light still shining on me. Your willpower gets a serious shot in the arm. I had more research to do about the exact food groups I'd  need but I knew this was right. Then the first glimmers of insubordination popped up briefly and reminded me that I had a fallback and that fallback was called lunch and every day I had a fallback plan to the next meal. Maybe fruit wasn't enough, surely a bit of bacon and cheese? No, fuck off, I said, turning a head or two in the dining room. I gestured an apology and then I smiled at the last cherry in my bowl. I munched that little cherry up. There would be no bacon or cheese. Those dark little glimmers were crushed and squished and left pleading as I got up and left the room. I was smiling as I approached Bordeaux. Today's destination was about six hours over the Pyrenees to Pamplona in northern Spain. This is where they do the bull run every July. Basque country, and the Bordeaux signs told me I was about a third of the way there. The night before had included two bottles of Fitou. Le Skipper was quiet and the staff had time to chat. After dinner, I was pretty much the only punter there so they wrapped it up and took me to Bar Kokot with their Austrian Rum. So, there hadn’t been time to do the work I needed but what a fine farewell to my old life. Yet another sign flashed my licence plate and said I was going too fast and I anticipated a box full of speeding tickets waiting for me whenever I got back to London. But I didn't care. I couldn't wait to get to Pamplona and get the laptop out, make my plan. A few hours later I was in my room at the Pamplona Catedral Hotel doing just that. I already knew how much weight to lose. Thirty kilos, almost 5 stone. One of the first results, I found out about the Okinawa diet. Okinawa, a little island off the south of Japan has the longest living humans on the planet. Taxi drivers are ninety years old and still dance. People eat whatever grows near them and that’s it. One photo I saw was of an elaborate table. You could sit about ten people round it. The table was a tea making machine. A few strips of bamboo were hooked up to an inlet and brought mountain spring water into the table. Most of the water would trickle out and continue down the mountain, unsure of why it had been put through the bother,  but when you turned a little handle, the water would be diverted around a spaghetti of pipes and on towards the bowels of the table. It would slip and slide through channels lined with fresh tea leaves and elements gradually heating it up as it travelled. Turn one of the eight  little taps under the  table edge and you have a steaming cup of the freshest tea. So, the fine people from Okinawa told me how you could eat perfectly well and get everything a body needs. And you didn't need meat or anything processed to do it. My first culinary casualties. I also learned that my whole eating schedule had been wrong all my life. The best way to do it is to eat small but eat often. I'd  been so proud of myself some days when I was too busy to eat anything and had six tons of dinner at about 9pm. Wrong. The body is a sensitive little baby. If it doesn't get fed often enough it throws its toys out the pram and truly believes it’s starving. It then converts what you do eat into fat, sensible storage for a rainy day when maybe you do starve. How a brain can fail to tell a body that it’s ok, no-one's going to starve is beyond me but apparently it does. So, by the time I'd  showered and got ready to see what this former bastion of the Roman empire had going for it, I had successfully mapped out my new diet. And it was all the stuff I like to eat anyway. I'd  start with some fruit, in deference to the first successful morning. Then give it a couple of hours and a little low fat cottage cheese on a wholewheat crispbread, and a few crushed walnuts sprinkled on it. Before what was probably the main mini meal of the day, about two o'clock, it was exercise. My wife’s brother had told me the body prefers to exercise then eat as it’s still burning, rather than the other way round. Maybe A little tuna steak with bok choy, a bit of spinach, greek yoghurt and some kidney beans or chickpeas. Amazing things chickpeas, fibre and protein all in one little pill. It wasn't a problem designing these mini meals, the problem was there was too much choice. If you're going to have pasta, have wholewheat pasta. If you're going to have rice, have wild rice or brown rice and not too much of either. Your 5 or 7 a day is so easy to achieve and better. Let your milk be zero fat milk, let your greens be asparagus, broccoli, kale, spinach, artichoke, sprouts and bok choy. Eat nuts, almonds, walnuts. Eat pulses. Kidney beans, chickpeas. Prefer fruits of the forest over others, raspberries, blackberries and the like. Loads of antioxidants. And let your booze be anything but beer, predominantly white wine and a glass of red a day comes straight from the doc. All the stuff I already knew. Lettuce, peppers, tomatoes, celery, onion, garlic. Jesus I could do a meal planner for a month without getting bored.   This was going to be tasty. I could still love my food but carry that aloof grin that comes with a man shedding timber and having fun doing it. I'd  know exactly how many calories came with each mini meal and how much exercise to do to burn them off. The laptop was closed up and my phone map and I set off to explore Pamplona. The city is called Iruna in the native Basque language and there was an ever-present but subtle show of the independence from Spain the Basque people had been after for a long time. Basque flags were draped over balconies and stuck on cars but a local told me, do not take a flag out in public or you’d get carted off. One local comedian had added a bit of graffiti to a low wall, poorly translated as “Anything but a free state is just a load of bulls.” Back in the hotel room, I tackled the exercise aspects. Swimming would always figure, especially in Spain, but what else? Running can be high impact, shin splints and the like. It would be rowing. It’s got everything, loads of muscles getting tickled gently, great cardio and hang on here we go, I can get a machine for the house for a couple of hundred euros. I'd join a kayak club or some such but winter was on its way and even the Spanish winter doesn't lend itself to being in the sea. And that was it, a meal for all moods and occasions and an all year round exercise regime. When it was too cold to swim, double up on the rowing. Just make sure you get in some form of water as soon as you finish exercising to loosen up your muscles. I also learned how little anyone should need a gym (apart from my little rowing machine of course). We really do have everything we need around the house. First of all, a running machine? What? Just run around the block. If you want to run uphill, run uphill. Muscle tone is also important. If you’re shedding tonnage, you want the tonnage that’s left nice and tight. Push ups, pull ups, weights, dips, pec toning, ab toning and your core. You can pull up on anything, a couple of chairs, backs together, get your balance and you’re away. Climb something. I'd  start slow. An hour on the rowing machine, weights and core stuff and finally fifteen minutes of laps in the pool. It was all mapped out. That evening, I sat down in a little restaurant I’d spied earlier, down some steps to a little square, live jazz music in the middle. The menu didn’t have much of the stuff I needed and I’d definitely give the “grosse crevette” and “assaulted pasta” a swerve.   I wondered if this would be a problem going forward. I remembered many menus and I wasn’t sure many of them were fit for my new purpose. But then I saw the celery and walnut salad. Fine, little glass of chablis to go along and everything was still on track. Part 3 > Execution The next day around four o'clock, I arrived at my final destination. A little town called Javea, a hundred kilometres south of Valencia. Look at Spain. There’s a little nose about two thirds down the east coast. Tip of that nose. That’s us, pressed against the sea by the mountains. It felt like its own little island.   First priority after wandering around was the supermarket. Go get the super foods. My place was in Cabo la Nao right up on the point near the lighthouse. My mission hadn’t been created when I booked it, but with my new mission head on, the remoteness of my location would be a good thing. When I went outside to get back in my car, I was reminded it had just carried me from London to south east Spain. Over those 1800 miles, the front of the car had accumulated a second skin of unfortunate insects. Insects of all shapes, colours and sizes had become one single cloak of wonder food for any bird that took a fancy. And they did. A feeding frenzy was underway and even this one approaching human and a mystery cat that seemed to appear from nowhere couldn’t scare them off. They each had an allocated section of bodywork to pick at and they did well but still couldn’t get it all off. The earlier casualties were part bug, part Audi. The nearest supermarket was down in the Cala Blanca bit and was called Consum. It was the strangest supermarket shop I'd  ever done. A hundred euros of good healthy stuff. I'd  never put walnuts in a shopping cart. But I carried the same internal smugness of someone whose every passing minute is making them healthier than everyone else. It was a hot day and I knew if I didn't get it all fridged up quick smart, for the whole six months here, there would be a sea bass, salmon, octopus and monkfish essence in my car. The pool was warm enough not to have to thrash around like a perishing salmon and it was my first test of where I was fitness-wise. It was a fifteen metre pool. Breaststroke was the best all round stroke for  what I was after so I took off up and down. I'd  have to do this for at least 30 minutes every day so how close was I? I managed about 15 minutes and thought it was a good start for day one. My own salmon was ready to go under the grill and I was hungry. Baby steps. The house and garden had to provide me with my makeshift gym. Soon, I had two sturdy wooden outside chairs back to back for pull ups, a couple of buckets from the gardener’s shed filled with pool water. The rest would need no props. The push ups over there next to the pool and that little wall would do the ab stuff. Suspend myself on it and hold myself there for ten seconds, ten second break, repeat until knackered.   I had a little go at all my disciplines. The props held up just fine and my routine was set. There was only one thing missing and it would be the majority of my cardio workout. The rowing machine.   In five days time, it would be on my doorstep. I carried on with my eating regime and stepped up the swimming and workout aspects and on day five, the rowing machine arrived. It was lovely and orange and it went right where I hoped it would, between two columns on the terrace. Then I suddenly realised, apart from the supermarket on day one, I hadn't been out yet. The days had been formed around my mini meals and exercise and going out didn't sound as healthy as staying in. But I had to prove to myself I could carry on the mission in or out. That night, I did go out, met some nice folks, Lee and Tracey from Southend and a drummer called Hector, saw a band and drank white wine and had lubina a la plancha,  grilled sea bass, asparagus and a few slices of grilled aubergine, every so slight drizzle of local honey. My taxi got me home at a reasonable hour and I got out without that heavy feeling I’d get when I went out back home. Always too much beer and always too much red meat. I took a quick stroll round my makeshift gym and my new rowing machine and then slept better than I had for ages. Tomorrow, a full programme for the first time. The rowing machine soon got me sweating. The readout was like trying to wish away the miles in the car, watching calorie after calorie clock away, minute after minute. The machine was fine, nice and easy, smooth strokes, keep your back straight. Pretty soon I'd  done my hour and I took a break for water. The weights and pull up and everything else was becoming faster and I was doing more of them. By the time I got into the pool, I was feeling muscle burn and my heart felt reawoken. With the help of a great little tool called Supertracker, I had it all mapped out. Today I would eat 1200 calories and  burn off 2000. And so it was for the next couple of weeks. The cats started popping in to see what this strange noise was an hour every day and soon they stuck around for some cheeky tuna and I had one or two pusscats to talk to while I worked out. The hour a day on the rower needed a bit more entertainment than the readout. By now I knew my pace and you just have to finish the hour come what may. Being in my own head was amusing enough but I needed a bit more autopilot. The laptop was enlisted to provide comedy shows and every so often, this Spanish course I was taking. The hour started to go by like the missing time I'd  felt in La Roche Sur Yon. I was doing more miles to the hour, I was doing more laps in the pool and I was looking forward to every stage more and more. Pretty soon though, the pool became unswimmable so I got a wetsuit but that only really extended it a few weeks. My regime changed and I doubled up on the rowing. My daily meal plans were sometimes not planned, just cobble together the right food groups in the right quantities. Some of the taste combos were worth jotting down, others didn't really work but still, the scales in the bathroom were starting to show results. I'd got down to 100 kilos from 108 in the first 3 weeks. I couldn't believe the progress. I was never hungry, I felt great and the pounds were escaping with ease. I'd have this done in a few more weeks. I started a weight chart and logged as much as I could, something to be proud of. Then the rate of weight loss slowed. I checked the scales. How could doing exactly the same thing every day cause a different result? I changed the scales so that it seemed more of a dramatic reduction. A bit more research told me the scales were fine, the programme was fine. It’s just the first bit of weight drops off you because you're reducing your water retention. After that, you work just as hard for half the initial result. And don't forget, the programme is increasing muscle mass as well, which weighs more than fat. That's fine. So be it. This was the realistic rate. Months not weeks. And I was enjoying it. I was enjoying succeeding, winning. This wasn't so hard. A couple more weeks went past and still the pounds tumbled. Sometimes the reductions were erratic, same programme, 2 pounds off one day, half a pound off the next. I didn't really need to know why as long as the weight kept dropping. The thing was, I had been looking at myself in the full length mirror by the door every day after my workout before the shower and I still didn't look any different. I knew all the machinery and logic associated with my mission couldn’t all be wrong at the same time so I was pretty sure there would be a decent reason for it and so there was. What you’re doing initially is sorting out your core. That’s where you’re losing the initial weight and water. Your core is what’s getting beefed up and fit, out of sight. It made sense enough to a layman but you still like to see changes. And then it happened. My jeans had been feeling a little looser than normal for a few days and then I realised I needed the belt in another hole. There it was, the first sign. I couldn't confirm it from the mirror but this was incontrovertible. Maybe it was something psychosomatic in my head showing me something, but soon after that, I started to see some definition around my middle, not so much abs per se, just prepping the ground for them. The pounds kept shedding off my weight chart. I will freely admit, I did have one or two blowouts, the need for a kebab and a cold beer, and I knew the numbers would show it, but I was now not actually fitting into trousers and shorts and some shirts looked like nightdresses. I needed healthy persons clothes. I have never felt so happy about an impending cost. I looked good, like I did in my 30s. By the time four months had passed, my target of 80 kilos remained and I was only a couple off at 82. I had two months to drop that and I knew I would. I looked at photos of me in london 6 months before and it was incredible. I looked like a different person altogether. I looked tired, heavy, dreading the next flight of stairs. Warning. This is a pivotal moment. When you’re ahead of the curve and bossing it, its easy to entertain the notion that you can ease off a bit. Physically, you’re probably right but don't do it. It changes your mindset from achieving something to already having achieved it but it’s not yet achieved. Rabbit and the hare. Achieve it first, then reward yourself with easing off. I hit my 80 kilos with five weeks to go and the next five weeks kept me there. It was done. I'd  smashed the shit out that 25%. It was gone. I took off from Valencia and landed at Gatwick requiring second glances at my passport photo. Yes, folks that really is me,  just an awful lot more of me. By the time I wandered down the street to the pub, I'd  already decided I wasn’t going back to the UK for good. Spain was my home now. My mission, my new life was born on the French highways and realised in the Spanish mountains. I wasn't even really thinking of the reaction I’d get when I walked in. I didn’t need reactions. I knew what I’d done. Me and my water buckets, pussycats, rowing machines, the glorious island of Okinawa and singing, dancing Spain. The reaction was complete astonishment. Not just someone telling you you look well. This was holy **** across the board. My choice of a pink leather coat to mark the occasion drew its own conclusion but I was stronger and fitter and more vibrant in mind and body.  And I looked it and we all knew it. Life’s new plateau had been reached with a simple regard for my own well being. A respect for my only asset. And it was simple, inspiring and very enjoyable.