Replaced

Type:one shot

Pairing: Azriel x reader

Based off of this request

Hope this is heart breaking enough anon!

Trigger warnings- slight mention of ED behavior, torture, and implied violence

I stare out at the gardens, I used to think they were beautiful, I tended to them everyday, watered and checked all the plants, made sure the soil was perfect and they got the proper mix of shade and sunlight. I walked in them, sat on my bench under the giant cherry blossom tree and read my book. The gardens were always my space my place. I loved those gardens, always marveled at their beauty.

But not now. Now as I stare out at the gardens I’m disgusted by what I see, I hate the new flowers and the soil. I hate looking at it and I refuse to walk in it. I hate that my family simply gave my place to her. That Azriel gave it to her. That he sits out on my bench all cuddled up with her. Deep down I think that’s what disgusts me. Seeing him with her. No. Disgust isn’t the right word. It makes me sick, fills me with agony that spreads through my bones and boils in my blood. Sends jealousy spiking through my body like bolts of electricity.

When the middle Archeron had come into the family with her older sister- it was fine, everything was fine. My family was happy and although I always felt off about the female, I was civil. It was fine as my family turned to them, it was fine. They needed time and attention, like new animals. I let my family give them that. It was fine when I was asked to let her work in the gardens she ‘loved so much’. It was all fine.

It was all fine until they asked me to let her simply take over the gardens, ‘just so she can keep distracted and busy whilst adjusting’. It was fine till I came crying to Rhys about a vision I had, one of the first in nearly a month- I had seen something, I heard people screaming and blood everywhere, but ‘Elain hasn’t seen anything. It’s fine.’ It was fine till Azriel- my best friend for the last 500 years, the male I harbored feelings for. The male I loved for at least 450 years, turned to her. It was fine till she became all consuming. It was fine till ‘Elain needs me Yn.’ ‘Yn I have to go- Elain needs me right now. You know this is hard for her.’ ‘ Yn, stop being selfish- Elain needs me.’

It was fine till she became all consuming. Till no one listened to me, till Azriel- my mate, the man I loved with all my soul, left me for her. Turned a cold shoulder and left me. Till my family soon wrapped around the sisters and I lost them all.

Now I stare out at the gardens I once loved with disgust, nearly puking at the sight of the two cuddled up together, laughing about cauldron knows what. Now, as a headache comes on, the ones that always do before a vision, I simply slouch back in side, going to lay down on a couch. I want these seeings gone. No one cares anyway. If it doesn’t come from Elain Archeron, it means nothing. I mean nothing.

And it is now, as I lay myself across the chair that it truly sets in. He loves her. They love her. She is better. She is more beautiful and interesting and soft and she isn’t tarnished from years of fighting as I am, she is not the crazy woman I have become. She is Elain, she is all things soft and sweet, she is radiant and all consuming, she is powerful and all seeing. But most of all, she is the one Azriel wants. Not me. Her. He wants Elain Archeron.

———

I walk to the dining room for dinner, my head is a bit foggy and my eyes hurt. I keep my gaze down as I sulk into the room and take a seat next to Morrigan who talks idly with Feyre. It’s as if I’m invisible, no one even looks up to me as I walk in or sit, but of course, as soon as Elain comes in, everyone turns to her, conversations stopping. I simply look to my plate, fidgeting with my hands.

As everyone serves up their food, I sit, I’m not hungry. Plus, Elain is thinner, I want to be pretty like her and I have to be skinny to be like her. “Why aren’t you eating Yn?” Mor’s voice filters through my ears and it takes a moment for me to process them.

In a scratchy tone, caused by not using my voice, I reply. “Just not hungry I guess. Visions take it out of me.”

“You had a vision?”

“Yep. Third one of today.” My family pauses at that.

“Third? Today?” It’s Rhysand this time as his brows draw inward.

“Yes, they’ve been happening more and more often, I’m having at least 2-3 a day. I just want to rest.”

“Why haven’t you told me about them?”

“Because of two reasons. Rhysand.” His name is a hiss off my tongue as I speak, finally loosing my cool, “One, you would not care nor listen, haven’t for a single one of my seeings in the past month. And two- starting tomorrow I will no longer be working for this court.”

“What do you mean by that? Not working under this court?”

“I received a letter from Eris- he is ready to execute his plan to take over the autumn throne tonight and I shall be there tomorrow morning to begin my duties as his second in command.” The table is frozen, mixes of horror and sadness painting my ‘families’ faces.

“But-Yn you wouldn’t betray us like that would you?”

I can’t hold back the humorless, dry, laugh that leaves me. “Betrayal? I have Betrayed you?” My head whips to meet Rhysands as I stand and back away from the table. “Rhysand I have done nothing but support you. I was there for you three-“ I point to the three Illyrian males at the table, “in the war camps, I have been here sense we were learning to fly! I was there under the mountain! I lossed my gods dammed wings for you Rhysand. For you! Because you were my family.” Tears begin pouring down my face as I let everything I had bottled up out, “ I was there to support Mor after Eris’ ‘terrible acts’ and I kept my mouth shut about it being a half truth.” I look to the blond across the table who try’s desperately to avoid my gaze.

“I was there on the battle field. I told you my seeings no matter what they were. I stayed as I watched my family replace me, as I watched the man I loved fall for another over and over again. I stayed as my things were taken from me by her.” My finger points to the middle Archeron, Azriel moving slightly in front of her, “I have stayed as my family was ripped from me, I stayed and supported all of you even as my so called family replaced me, as the male I’ve loved as long as I’ve known him, as the male I have loved with my very soul, my very being, my mate.” I look into Azriels warm eyes, “left me for another, as my mate and my family left me in the dust for a new shiny toy.”

I breathe as I take a moment to survey the room, faces filled with shock and horror and sadness watch me. “So yes Rhysand.” It’s a sigh this time as I speak, tired, downright exhausted, “yes, I am leaving. But I am not leaving anything behind. I was already a ghost here anyway. I am leaving and taking my seeings and duties with me. You do not listen to them anyway, it will be no use to you.”

I snap and bags fall into my hands, I turn to the door, silence filling the room, “your my mate?”

“Yes Azriel- I am.”

“Yn wait let me-“

“Save it Rhysand.” I turn on my heel, “ I am leaving to a new kingdom, one that has much potential under their new leader. I am leaving to a court that I see thriving, I am leaving from the court I see crumbling- and it will not be my fault when it does.”

I turn back to the door, a gust of wind hitting me as I step out, taking the hands of the new high lord of autumn. Ignoring my family’s pleas and Azriels yells as I am taken back home.

—————

Okkkkk here it is! I hope you all enjoyed and thank you anon for the request!! Love y’all!

Promises you must make to yourself (and keep) when it's time to detach with love

I will stop trying to control anyone but myself.

I will set boundaries with this person, and I will not rescind those boundaries.

I will make those boundaries clear.

I will not give in to temper tantrums, threats, tears, bargaining, guilt trips, or other manipulative tactics. Instead, I will walk away.

I will stop doing things for them that they are capable of doing for themselves, and should be doing for themselves.

I will stop "loaning" them money I know I'm never going to get back.

I will let them be responsible for their own lives, and their own choices, and I will take responsibility for mine.

If it's necessary, I will remove myself and any children and/or pets from the household, and I will get us to safety.

I will prioritize my safety and well-being, and the safety and well-being of any children or pets.

I will not cover and lie for this person anymore.

I will no longer defend or make excuses for their unacceptable behavior.

I will prioritize my needs over their wants.

I will know that I am doing this because I love them and care about them, and I will absolve myself of guilt.

I will cultivate a support system of my own.

I will absolve myself of responsibility for their happiness, their life choices, their behavior, their words, and their responsibilities.

I will regulate my emotions when they try to dysregulate me. I will not lose my cool, no matter how much they agitate me.

If I cannot deescalate them, I will walk away.

I will absolve myself of responsibility for their feelings. I will let them be mad. Or sad. Or whatever else.

I will not bail them out of legal trouble.

I will not bail them out of any other kind of trouble or crisis.

I will no longer give this person second, third, fourth, fifth, hundredth chances they don't deserve.

I will accept that the situation is what it is, and I will stop trying to minimize or deny how bad it is.

I will accept that I cannot change or control them, and I will stop trying to do so.

I will find a sense of meaning, identity, and purpose outside of my relationship with them, or feeling "needed" or "wanted" by them, or anyone else.

I will let them face the consequences of their behavior, and I will absolve myself of responsibility for those consequences.

I will know and understand that I have done my best, and I cannot help someone who won't help themselves.

I will know that, no matter how much they may protest otherwise, I am not being selfish.

Dunmeshi Ep. 17. I have feelings. I don't have the patience to be funny or upbeat.

Spoilers ahead.

Too much.

This episode was too. much.

Shuro, his attendants, Kabru, his party, Chimera Falin. It's all too much. I can't deal with it all in one episode. I'm so fucking angry. I don't remember the last time I felt so angry and hateful.

Everything is too complex, it's great writing but I hate them. I hate all of them so much.

There is nothing good about Shuro. He is weak, cowardly, selfish, always acting so high-and-mighty.

So neurotypical. I hate him even more for forcing me to call that a bad thing instead of a neutral trait.

I hate their attitude. I hate it. They're not even entirely wrong but that doesn't matter when I hate it so much.

I'm struggling to even put it into words why I'm so angry. It's biased, definitely. It's naive, and clearly refusing to acknowledge the way this world works and any wrongs the Touden party may be guilty of.

I'm glad Shuro & Co. seem to be leaving, and they're never coming back. Stay gone. Die, preferably.

I wish Kabru and his band of merry bastards would piss off too. I'm so sick of him. Even when he's right he's so fucking wrong.

I had other things I wanted to say about this episode but they were washed away when my vision went red.

Black magic might be wrong, I can accept that. What I can never accept is everyone's behavior shifting because of it. Shuro's so immediately willing to sell out Marcille and his oh-so-precious Falin even though he only stands to lose by not letting Marcille use ordinary revival spells on his party and ensuring the death of the woman he supposedly loves.

Laios beat the shit out of him and Shuro admitted he was envious of Laios, and I couldn't even enjoy that resolution.

I should stop now. I could keep going but I'll just be repeating myself out of blind fury and spite. I'm gonna go cool off now.

Edit:

I didn't quite finish the episode. I have a few clearer thoughts about the ending.

I need a warm home-cooked meal from Laios, with his warm friendly smile as he passes me his latest monster cuisine.

I wanna brain Kabru with a fucking rock.

Laios is a better man than I. I'd have destroyed that fucking bell in front of Shuro.

Trope - Disney Princess Syndrome

"Disney Princess Syndrome" is my personal name for the trope of a rich or powerful character portrayed as "Nice", "Good" or "Down to earth". Because they want to hang around "Normal/Real people" and want to be treated like a "Regular person" or otherwise does not think their phenomenal wealth makes them abnormal.

This trope/character concept is usually contrasted against another rich or powerful persons who flaunts their wealth intentionally, is aware they are rich and tends to be snooty, cocky or otherwise act in a manner that is more reflective of their phenomenal wealth.

Usually these characters are contrasted so that we like the former but hate the latter but weirdly… I often find myself either disliking both or liking the latter more. Largely cos they at least seem self aware of their circumstances and so come off as less frustratingly flippant or willfully ignorant.

Examples will be drawn from, Miraculous Ladybug.

I will largely avoid talking about how X character was raised, or trauma that might influence this behavior. But keep in mind people with bad home lives can often act out in ways that don't make them a "good" victim.

In ML, you have "Wants to be a normal boy" Adrien, "Wants to meet sincere people" Princes Ali, and "This is all so artificial" Musician Jagged Stone. They are contrasted against hotel heiress, Mayors daughter & smug about it Chloe.

Now:

Chloe's a brat, a jerk & a snob to be sure, however I still somehow find her less hypocritical or deluded than these other three because at least she seems aware of her circumstances and what they mean for her VS others. Jagged treats doing a small autograph session with the mayor like its some horrible imposition and he flips out at being expected to follow trends he deems artificial. But he also drags his literal assistant with him everywhere to manage his life, keeps a pet alligator on him at all times & can be extremely rude and demanding. But it never feels acknowledged in the same way as with Chloe, because he's 'real'. Prince Ali acts like its weird for people to try and charm or otherwise please him when assigned to give him a tour for a whole event about himself. He also seems to neglect what would be fairly typical greetings for someone of his class & position despite likely being taught them. This again ties into making him seem 'genuine' but comes off as just odd. Adrien balances it best by wanting his father to be less controlling and his father is indeed controlling. But he's also only bothered by Chloe, her parents or his fathers haughty behavior if it alienates him or people he wants to be friends with. He laughs it off or otherwise tends to ignore it with staff but is meant to be better.

This isn't to say a character 'can't' want these things, or find the trappings of wealth utterly unsatisfying. Especially children who are not themselves actually rich and exist at the whims of their parents who are often functionally immune to the law.

Its more an issue with how the trope tends to be executed. Both in terms of the "Disney Princess" who wants to be "Out there" having no self awareness of their wealth, or internal hypocrisy. With this being framed as more endearing than anything, despite often coming off as entitled or selfish by accident.

Or in how the rich jerk just ends up feeling more grounded, or accidentally becomes sympathetic because they are usually an antagonist. Thus meaning they not only have to lose, but usually are surrounded by people like themselves. Leaving the impression their behavior is less to do with having the money to get away with t and more born of mistreatment.

& that as they say is that.

[ Ａｎｙｔｈｉｎｇ  Ｂｕｔ  Ｇｒｅｙ ]

woooo we love lazy previews lmao but sorry this is all you get

Anyway, this post may look like garbage not a lot, but this is a BIG download, I swear. A big ol’ dump of a post, in fact. This download is 37 skins (yes, THIRTY FREAKING SEVEN), all recoloured with the ramps shown above. 32 Ephemera skins, 2 S-club skins, Fresh Blue blend by Brntwaffles, and 2 ~special personal blends~ of mine I was too lazy to take out of the download file lol.

Downloads, if you don’t care for details:

Just gimme ALL the skins (zipped)

Just those two special blends, plz! (zipped)

Link to all packages separated

So, what’s so special about them, anyway? What are you actually downloading? What is even the point of this? Well:

I edited them all to work with “normal” coloured ramps, aka not their horrible original ones. If you’ve used E-Skins or S-club skins before, you probably know what I mean. Colours all over the place, can never get them to go darker than a lightly tanned white person, or they go... bluey, greenish or freaking ashy grey. Well, NO MORE. All 37 skins come with 4 tone ramps pictured at the top of the post; the three base game ramps, “Default”, “Yellow”, and “Red”, and then my own extra one, “Pasty”. The Pasty ramp is specifically designed to replicate some of the pale tones of the originals, as I had some sims using them and didn’t want them to stop being their pale ass selves lol.

(This wasn’t just changing out the ramps, btw. I had to actually recolour almost every single one of the skins’ textures themselves, as a lot of them were more of the problem than the terrible ramps. I did not add in any ages that each of the skins didn’t already have, so keep that in mind.)

Also, they’re set up with clear-to-read thumbnails so you can see exactly which skin you’re using and which ramp, AND they even stay together in groups in the skintone panel, so no hunting for one little circle in a sea of randomly coloured dots. Like thissss:

Isn’t that tidy? Yes, I too wish it was a rainbow, but this was the best I could do lol. There’s some handy pngs in the zip file with a list of all the skins and their corresponding thumbnail colours.

None overwrite anything, so if you wish to swap out the original skins, you will have to manually change your sim’s skins. Or you can keep both! (they also don’t overwrite my old versions, pretty please pretend those don’t exist and use these instead 🙏🏻)

I really don’t recommend you put all 37 into your game at once lmao. 37x4 is like. A LOT to clog up your skintone panel with, trust me I should know cough we’re gonna pretend I don’t have them all in my game okay, do as I say not as I do cough.  I’d recommend just downloading the ones you usually use, compare against the originals, and then maybe trying others in batches. 

A few are... really not that great. There seem to be a couple of much older E-Skins, ones that don’t even seem to be up for official download anymore. But I included them because... well, I’d already done them LOL might as well. They all have unique faces (I checked each and every one) so maybe someone might find a use for them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Now, what are those two ~special personal blends~ I mentioned?

FreckledFrou - a blend of Pate Choux by Momo with Fresh Blue, and a bunch of my own edits and hand-drawn stuff, including a lot of freckles! (hence the name lol) It was designed to be a very pale, freckled skin, but it comes with all 4 ramps and does go darker. It’s for toddlers all the way up to adults. The face isn’t overly defined other than the freckles, because I made it for my personal use and I tend to layer a lot of skin detail makeup on top, so I really didn’t care, but it’s worth keeping in mind.

CurvyBlue - a blend of Fresh Blue and PPNH’s lovely Gina Skin, and again a bunch of my own edits. This skin is only for YA and Adult Females, unfortunately, as it was made for a specific sim of mine. Like all the rest, it includes all 4 ramps. It was made to be a curvier, fuller-bodied skin, (so no defined ribcage or muscles here!) but to not look out of place alongside other E-skins.

TOU: 

Other than the two personal blends, they’re all literally just recolours at the heart of it, so I don’t really have any claim to them lol. Just credit or a link back or whatever. Same with the blends, credit if you use them as a base, and especially remember to credit the original skin creators too, ephemera, momo and pleaseputnamehere.

If you know how to use skininator, feel free to delete ramps you don’t want, add any you do etc. Now the skin textures themselves are recoloured, they should play nice with any “human” coloured ramps. (eg I’ve tested with kurasoberina’s, works great). Dunno about unnatural/berry tone ramps, but feel free to test! Just credit me for recolouring the textures, I guess.

and. I guess that’s it. man, I hope this made any sense as to what you’re getting lol. I know I know it’s a mess, but hey, what do you expect from me of all people (ง •_•)ง

THOUGHT ABT CHIP JRWI INCIDENT 40 DEAD 32 WOUNDED

Normal people: vent about their feelings in a diary or blog post

Me: makes a whole ass zine at nearly midnight

{sigh}

im feeling too much

lalalaladeeda

writing poetry sometimes feels like you gotta cut yourself open to express it idk smear all your organs all over the page and hope somebody else reads something beautiful. is that like divination the way it's expressed in various places and things? I dunno. poetry never slides off your skin like water off a duck's back. it's from within I think. sometimes you have to tear yourself apart to get at the words and sometimes it just wells up from within and gushes out. always from somewhere deep inside. sometimes it's difficult and horrible and painful but the alternative would be worse. sometimes it's from sheer joy that must overflow into words. I think that's beautiful personally. skin splitting from joy. it happens, I think, to us all at some point. or maybe I'm just a creature of extremes. maybe that online test I did because a friend recommended it is true. it said my symptoms were high. I don't know. maybe it is true, maybe it's not. I read a book once where there was a character named Nathan Hill-and-Dale, and while I'm not nearly as extreme as he was portrayed, in my extremes, I know I'm a fairly volatile person. funny, for most people who see me IRL seem to think that I'm fairly calm. nope, I'm a volcano. watch out, even when I'm apparently calm I might blow up one way or the other. one of my residents' family members said today that I was young and bubbly and she was glad to see it because happiness is the prerogative of the young. a part of me wished I told her. I have actively tried to kill myself once; I have come extremely close to the same actions countless times including yesterday; I would sooner hurt myself than others; if I had my own choice I would simply starve. of course I didn't tell her. sometimes I think I'll never get better. at this point I would consider it a very high chance that I will either die by suicide or end up in hospital following an attempt. not now, of course. but despite my fierce love for my course it has stress associated with it and I think that it's very likely that no psych help on earth would fix my mental health enough for that not to be an option mentally in this short time. I think it's possible to recover from all of the things I struggle with. God help me, I hope it is. the real question is whether I will survive long enough to recover from them. and the answer? I know not. I was reminded of a past interaction with the boy today, where he called my name - I turned - his grandfather, a photographer, was waiting to see if he could get a decent photo, for we were at a church conference and he was trying to get photos everywhere. they were laughing. I could not help but laugh. that memory is tainted now, for he would not look at me now, let alone try to pull such a stunt again. I don't blame him. I don't blame anyone for it. I wonder what would happen if I blocked all my friends on discord; who would seek me out? part of me hopes people would, another part hopes they would not. sometimes I just want to be left alone to curl up and die. it would be easier. so much easier than living, and living, and living. I tried writing poetry just now. it felt like trying to cut myself open, I couldn't get the words out. it only made me feel rather wild. I'm desperate for change, for something. something. what is that something? I don't know. did you know I'm a sadist? I would not in a public place express the thoughts that led me to that conclusion. but I am. I wish I wasn't. there's an obvious solution to that. quick, and easy. so easy. too easy. I tried writing poetry, and then instead of writing anything coherent, I wrote this.

i am just...so profoundly tired of being me

My partner’s building caught on fire last night bc some asshole was shooting off fireworks on the front lawn 🙃

okay I've decided against pursuing any sort of diagnosis re: my growing suspicions I have ADHD/something of that ilk for a variety of reasons, but it will NEVER stop galling me how I lack object permanence. like a baby. I need to have clear storage containers because if I cannot see something I forget it exists. it's both a relief to know that there is a potential "explanation" for such behavior but also realizing that most other people can do convenient things (like: remembering the existence of stuff) is also FRUSTRATINGGGG because I wish that was me! imagine being able to remember things not only casually but well! imagine that! god!

idk how to reconcile my new self with my old self. also i fucking hate waiting. GRAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

life is very hard when you miss someone like a limb but you have absolutely zero control over the situation because you live entire oceans apart and all you can do is keep texting them and hoping one day they'll respond