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ibuproffie · 6 years

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dealing with toxic friends: special high school edition

Toxic Friends and How to Identify Them

They’re constantly griping at you. I’m not talking about a couple bad days, I’m talking about consistent rudeness that makes you wonder what you’ve done to them.

They’re extremely emotionally needy, requiring constant support and validation from you, but you never receive the same kind of attention from them. Your problems are never as important as theirs, and they may even dismiss them (”those aren’t real problems”) to spend more time to focus on themselves.

They are likely to constantly fish for compliments, requiring constant praise, but nothing you do is ever good enough for them to return the favor. Harsh criticism is more likely the case.

You find yourself choosing your words with care to avoid them blowing up with you.

You try as much as possible to avoid running into them, because interactions with them leave you feeling defensive and drained.

You can go days without them asking you a single question about your life. They’ll never notice if you’re having a bad day.

They claim to be “socially awkward” or an “introvert” as a cover for overtly rude behavior. You are fairly certain they know exactly what they are saying.

They are physically and/or verbally violent with you, and when you confront them about their behavior, you either receive an insincere apology or they tell you to “stop being so sensitive.”

In fact, nothing they ever do is a problem. They are likely to gaslight you (claim the incident never occurred) if you confront them about the abusive behavior, leading you to question your version of events.

They put you down in front of other people, spread rumors about you, or share your personal information with others without your consent.

Bizarrely, you begin to wonder if you’re the toxic friend, because around other people, they may appear charming and pleasant. (Your other friends may not believe you if you tell them about the problems you have with this person because of this-all their experiences with them have been pleasant, so they can’t imagine what you’re dealing with.)

You and/or some of your mutual friends may even begin to make excuses for their bad behavior. (”she’s just having a bad day” “he has x mental illness”). For the record, neither of these are appropriate excuses for abusive behavior, ever.

They may claim to be one of your closest friends, but you rarely find yourself sharing personal things with them for fear they will use this information against you.

If they don’t get their way, they are likely to get dramatic or start sulking. You end up letting them do pretty much whatever they want to do so they don’t have a meltdown.

They are constantly trying to wind you up and manipulate you. They lie to you for no reason.

They are willing to throw you and your feelings under the bus to get what they want, whether it’s an s.o. or a teacher’s attention.

They threaten to stop being your friend for inexplicable reasons and warn you of the dire consequences you will suffer without them, or they will suffer without you. (ha, as if!) They are weirdly possessive of your time, to the point where you find it hard to do things with other people.

They ignore you or give you the silent treatment without telling you what’s wrong. If they’re ever angry with you, you are expected to make up all the difference and apologize, oftentimes for offenses you are not aware you have committed.

You feel like this friend is going out of their way to make you insecure. They are constantly bragging about themselves, and they seem to be talking up points they know you yourself are lacking in. They make sure to let you know that they are more successful than you, and will make sure to tell you that your successes are not all that. They are not happy when you succeed, and they cannot handle it when you do better than them.

They only spend time with you when their “best friends” aren’t around, making sure to let you know that you are not a priority. You get the uncomfortable sense that you are not as important to them as they are to you. They avoid you or purposefully exclude you from some things.

They pressure you into doing things you feel uncomfortable with. They willfully ignore/make fun of your boundaries.

Your toxic friend(s) may engage in all of these behaviors, or a combination of a few. If you recognize any of these signs, you have a toxic friend. Period. It doesn’t matter if your friend is mentally ill, if they have a bad home life, if you’ve been friends for a while, or any other rationalization you give yourself for their behavior. No one deserves to be treated poorly, and no one should treat their friends like this.

The Cutoff

A lot of people will tell you to “just cut them off.” However, when it comes to high school friendships, it is often easier said than done. It can make the classes you share extremely awkward, can force mutual friends to take sides, and make you look like a person who starts “drama.” (More on that in a minute.)

[Of course, if the friendship is taking an exceptionally dark turn (i.e. illegal activity is involved, they are thinking about harming themselves or someone else) you NEED to report this behavior to an authority figure and have them deal with it. It is out of your hands at this point. I am not endorsing putting yourself or anyone else at risk for the sake of maintaining a toxic friendship. I simply am stating that it is difficult in high school to fully get these people out of your life because you see them every school day.]

If you feel ready to “cut off” your toxic friend or friends, go for it. Be direct and honest-don’t sugarcoat anything. DO NOT WORRY ABOUT BEING “RUDE” OR “HURTING THEIR FEELINGS.” They have not treated you with respect, so they have not earned your respect. Do it in a place in which you have the most control. If you feel better doing it over text because you don’t want to do it in person, that is FINE. Do not expect your ex-friend(s) to be pleased about your behavior. Whatever they say to you or about you afterwards, remember:

They were the toxic person in your relationship. They were the person who was using you, not the other way around.

You will find other friends who treat you well.

Assholes are not entitled to your time.

People who you barely interact with who judge you based on a biased estimation of your character from 1! person...are shitty people.

You can’t please everyone.

I see a lot of “if you have a problem with me, be sure to tell me so i can fix it and if you don’t tell me that’s on you uwu” posts lying around. But here’s the thing, a lot of times toxic people find it inconceivable that they could ever be at fault. Whether you tell them as soon as the issue occurs or when you’re ending your friendship, you’re likely to get a fake-sounding explanation or a cop-out apology. Plus, if your friend is a real threat to you, putting yourself out there might only be a waste of your time, but a risk to your safety. So for the record “but at the time you told me you were fine with it?!!” should NEVER make you feel guilty.

It’s okay to be upset about the end of a toxic friendship, but you will get though this. You were so strong to cut them out of your life; you are sure as hell strong enough to survive your life without them.

The block button is a thing.

Fracturing the Circle

Cutting off your toxic friend(s) may put strain on your other friendships, however, especially if you guys have mutual friends. And in high school, this is very likely. The problem is, your mutual friends may not see your toxic friend or friends in the same way that you do, or, if the toxic friend in question is especially vicious, may sympathize with you but want to avoid picking sides for fear of retaliation. And sad as it is, if your mutual friends are questioning your version of events, accusing you of starting “drama,” or talking to your toxic friend behind your back, it’s time to let them go as well. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you do not have to settle for shit friends.

Here’s the thing a lot of toxic people will accuse you of (and what can wreck your other friendships): drama. Everyone knows that so-called “dramatic” people start problems and pick fights constantly. But here’s the thing-it’s not “dramatic” to demand to be treated with respect. You’re not starting “drama” if you’re sick and tired of toxic bullshit. Anyone who calls you “dramatic” or accuses you of starting “drama” without full grasp of the story does not fucking deserve your time. It’s worth damaging your reputation to treat yourself with a little self-respect.

And just a PSA for anyone reading this, if anyone ever approaches you with a valid complaint about a mutual friend’s toxicity, SHUT THE FUCK UP and LISTEN to them. Don’t try to explain the behavior away. Don’t accuse the person of making it up. Don’t defend your friend just because they haven’t treated YOU like that. Show a little compassion. You don’t have to confront the mutual about the behavior if you don’t feel like it. But give the person the common courtesy of an audience.

I’m Stuck With Toxicity. What Now?

You don’t necessarily have to jump straight to cutting your toxic friends off. But you can establish boundaries at school. Here are some ideas for slowly distancing yourself from the person.

Sit with a new group of people at lunch or in class. Just physically moving yourself away from the toxic person can do wonders for your mental health.

Wait 10 minutes before replying to messages from the person. Or don’t reply at all.

Join a school group you know they’d never be interested in. It’s a great way to push an overly clingy friend away.

Create a secret social media space that only trusted friends can view. Warning-this can backfire if you have mutual friends.

Stop sharing personal information with the person. Only talk about school or neutral topics of conversation.

If your friend puts you down in a group of people, say (loudly, so other people can hear you) “That was really rude and unnecessary.” They’ll have to apologize.

For the friend who only talks about themselves: “Aren’t you going to ask me how my day went?”

Avoid gossiping about the person. It’ll just escalate conflict.

“Chill out. You’re acting like I <insert dramatic simile here>.” (Gets some laughs from the crowd.)

“Why are you yelling at me?” (Draws attention to their behavior.)

“I can’t apologize for something if I don’t know what I did.” (Logic, the great bane of the irrational.)

Avoid spending time with them outside of school.

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