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moocha-muses · 10 months

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Big news, gentlesims! The lovely Lorelei Lee is looking to fall in love! Could your sim be The One?

I: So, Lilo, give us the scoop. What made you send in an audition tape?

L: This is going to sound so lame, but, I’ve never been in love before! And I know what you’re thinking. Lorelei, you’re twenty-three. Get over yourself. But everyone else has been dropping the “l-word” since high school. I’ve been confessed to, but I’ve never been the one doing the confessing. I’m here to meet someone that'll make my heart pound.

Full interview (and the submission rules) beneath the cut!

I: That’s why you’re here . . . why should the contestants bother showing up?

LL: Ouch! Haha, I mean, I don’t know? I’ve got a killer smile, great legs, I’m not a bad cook . . . I’m sure they’ll have their reasons.

I: Tell us a little more about yourself.

LL: Sure. Let’s see. I’m pretty competitive. I don’t think I’m an asshole about it, but if I was one of the suitors on this show, I’d probably end up as the villain. I swear I'm nice to the sims I date.

I: Ha!

LL: I love cats, I have mild insomnia and I drink way too much coffee. I'm great with people, I love making new friends, but I tend to hold onto a grudge. Sometimes I really get into moods where I just feel all my feelings.

I can play pretty much any instrument by ear, and I absolutely slay at karaoke night. I think a lot of my college professors expected me to drop my major at any minute, like it was a giant prank, and go into the family business - should I talk about my mom? No? Well, I am going into the family business. People forget my dad’s a social worker. He’s my hero.

I: You sound great.

LL: Are you sure? I don’t know if I’d date me.

I: She’s funny, too! This sim's a catch. Speaking of . . . Lilo, what kind of sim are you looking for?

LL: Someone passionate. I don't mean that in a sexy way (though clearly that's a plus) but the sims I've been attracted to have always committed to the bit, you know? I'm into people who don't back down, or try to make themselves palatable. I love listening to sims talk about the things they're completely weird on.

And blondes! Love me a blond.

______________________________________________________________

Now for the entry rules!

To submit an entrant, just make a post with cute pics and a bio (see below) and tag me! The finalists can be sent as in a private DL once they've been chosen.

Contests get an all-expenses paid trip to a tropical vacation for a shoot that will happen right after the end of this round. All entries should include a personal bio with an aspiration, a personality/sign (Lilo's a Popularity Taurus), a list of traits and a set of TOs (at least one of which should be for black hair, fitness, or creativity). Feel free to include a career and job level too. And a LTW! Why not?

Winning entrants will be expected to provide their own wardrobe (Everyday, Formal, Swim, and Undies) suitable for a tropical environment.

All genders welcome, but only the following supernaturals: witches, werewolves, and aliens. Go ahead and include any accessories/jewelry and tattoo boxes you'd like. I'll recolor hairs and adjust skins/eyes as necessary to match my defaults. Go ahead and include an CC you like! The more the better.

(No real entrant deadline because scheduling this within the next two/three months is probably optimistic. Let's say September 1st-ish, until the producers say otherwise. Otherwise, I'll cap it when we hit too many sims for me to choose between!)

Good luck, and don't forget your hearts! Or your swimsuits.

#the sims 2 #ts2 #loreleilee #bc:lorelei #i haven't even started on the bachelor mansion but i'm very excited #isn't she a knock out?#someone's going to send in a very lucky sim #let's match those signs too!#i want at least a two bolt match from every contestant #lilo's very particular

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punisheddonjuan · 17 days

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I've been back at my apartment in Toronto for a little over a week now and in that time I've spoken less than fifty words. The single occasion where I've had reason or opportunity to say anything was when the Women's College clinic for chronic illness called, I've been waiting for almost three years to be scheduled for an intake appointment. They offered a last minute appointment at the beginning of May due to a cancellation, and I had to decline because it was scheduled at 09:00 and there was no possible way I could make it there that early. Trying to get there on the subway during rush hour and then having to walk would probably knock me out by the time I got there. I'm also thinking I should drag my mom along to the appointment because she's kept extensive notes dating back to '98 when my health issues started, plus it would be good to have a corroborating account, and she would have to drive from Hamilton. October would be the earliest they would be able to offer me an appointment with a timeslot later in the day. So that's depressing, but it's besides my initial point. As I predicted, V. unilaterally deciding to end our nearly six year relationship has resulted in almost tot social isolation. I chat a bit to people on here in replies, and there are a few people I chat with on Discord, and I have one or two old childhood buddies I text with every other week or so, and I appreciate that a lot, but it's not the same as someone being there face to face, or having an actual social life. This is untenable and intolerable. It's also not easily fixable. It's not exactly easy making new friends in your 30s, let alone when you have to do it from your bed. There's also this odd issue that happens when you're chronically ill like this, where it's like living in a warped state of arrested development where everything proceeds forward around you but you're stuck standing still; you miss so many milestones, starting a career, finishing grad school, getting married etc. that you really don't feel you have much in common with your peers anymore. I feel like I've been stuck in a weird post-university time loop since 2017. I also don't think it would be well received if I just invited new people to hang out in my room (because where else are we going to go). That would probably be read as potentially unsafe by many people. I hate my life, it's not very livable.

#blog #personal history

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mamamittens · 5 months

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I'm finally making progress on my event so hopefully tomorrow I'll have results but no promises because I get home an hour later and have to vote at an HOA right after so I'll be even later than usual getting home (for context, normally, when I get home and start writing immediately I can finish a chapter/one shot just before I need to shower and go to bed IMMEDIATELY with minimal distractions. Same for art pieces actually. It's unfortunate but it is what it is).

The rest is me rambling about an OC story ideas

In the meantime, while I've been at work, I've been trying to decide what I like better for Nikia's story. Mostly because I'm bored to tears and there's only so many reddit stories you can listen to before your brain melts. Specifically the growing up and how/why she runs into WBP.

At first I wanted it to be on her first mission that would start her career as an Elite Ranger, which has a slew of requirements above just being a regular ranger. It would also net her her own cabin and the most freedom of schedule and movement. Elite Rangers don't usually manage your groups or host outside of emergencies because they need to leave at a moments notice to take care of disturbances. But that didn't give her much time to be good at what she does enough to be an unknown at Marineford, though I teased the idea of her low-key revealing herself before ultimately deciding she'd never land at Marineford cause she wouldn't touch that shit with a 10 foot pole.

So I thought a decent way to bring WBP to her is them taking the island under their control by absorbing the pirates that previously claimed the island under their protection. It wasn't long before I decided it would be a nice, cute backstory if her mother was rescued by said pirates when Nikia was young so the captain ended up being her father figure. And it would be nice is he was old friend with Whitebeard though they don't talk much since he settled down a little to keep near his new favorite island.

I was thinking the "Many Hands Pirates" or "Clover Pirates" as their specialty is knowing someone for any job. Really low-key and social. They're the ones that organized the personal security force on the islands into what it is today--which is terrifyingly efficient and low-key, as well as the concept of Elite Rangers.

Anyway, they're the ones who deliver the bad news to Nikia about Teach and whatnot and are shocked at her reaction. As well as the ones that take her to Marineford knowing damn well she'll be about cloud height and ready to take whatever shot she needs to while everyone else catches up.

Prefers that, actually, because while he doesn't have those old fashioned "keep women out of the fight" ideas, he doesn't want his adopted daughter to be fighting Marines either. He taught her to fight dirty and hit hard for a reason damnit!

That and I wanted a really sweet moment where Thatch gets a little shovel talk and Whitebeard gets tetchy so he looks at him and says "You look after your kids, let me look after mine... By the way, I don't give a shit who your father is, make her cry like that again or string her along and I'll wear your balls for a coin purse."

Or maybe I just grew up around too many people with pig farms so my idea of protective is a tad intense. Idk.

Anyway, the idea of her growing up with an off and on again pirate father seemed fun. There to look into her milestones and provide a unique perspective.

Also I get to have a weird fertility/sexual health festival where someone (maybe Thatch) commits a faux pa of asking for the berries specifically harvested at the very start (which is only picked by of age/began puberty girls/women). It's a faux pa because they're very obvious symbolism and meant only to be eaten by the one that picks them or the one that they intent to have "fruitful relations" with. Given freely, of course. So asking is INCREDIBLY BOLD and depending on how old the girl is, INSANELY CREEPY AND INAPPROPRIATE as the berries have sexual health benefits as well as (believed) aphrodisiac qualities, but like... Chocolate does. Unless you're already DTF odds are you won't feel anything.

Anyway, Nikia gets very flustered and horrified and it's up to her father to explain why that was a terrible thing to ask outright. Let alone in public and they're lucky everyone knows they're strangers to the festival and asked someone at least of appropriate age.

There's a special part of the festival before dawn where the berries still attached to flowers are picked by those mourning mothers passed in childbirth who carry them from the hill all the way to the water (beach or cliff, haven't decided) to give the unripe fruit to the sea, picked before their time. Mostly because I wanted Ace to get to have a moment where he properly, openly honors his mother and it makes sense to have a moment of memoriam for women who passed like that in a festival meant to encourage sexual health and well-being in primarily women.

This festival takes place in the first part of January to open a new year and prepare the land/people for spring. Specifically when a large part of the snow melts on Winter Island and over waters the Snowmelt Berries, making the usually spicy berries very ripe, juicy, and sweet. Prone to popping in your hand so it's quite messy but also the reason there are so many damn bushes on Winter Island. It's impossible to overforage these berries, they grow to fast and so many. The snow quickly returns at the end of the month, halting the rapid growth the island had previously been enjoying.

Summer Island feels like fall/winter during this time and usually gets a bit of snow lol

#mittens rambles #mittens mild update #one piece oc #world building #every culture has at least one “have all the babies” celebration #they just do okay #just like a harvest festival and a “this is when its SUPER SPOOKY NOW” celebration

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inkofamethyst · 7 months

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October 2, 2023

After two and a half days of illness, I'm pretty much back to regular functioning (with occasional sneezes but at least the sinus pressure has majorly receded). This does mean that I'm about two days behind where I wanted to be, but I'm going to have to try as best as I can to catch up so Thursday doesn't ~suck~. I don't really want my sleep to suffer though [edit 2, next morning: failed, reverse bedtime procrastination strikes again], that's a habit I'd like to leave back in undergrad if possible. Man, I can't wait until I'm done with (undergrad-level) classes (though then I'll have to structure my own days which is another kind of challenge).

Anyway back to the house conversation, I'm obviously facing a major hurdle preventing ownership: the down payment. I know I listed out all of those "little" savings goals a bit ago, but preparing for a down payment is a huge goal, like tens upon tens of thousands of dollars in some places, and I don't want that to bite into my emergency fund which I am also trying to build (though the emergency fund will likely be much smaller than the down payment goal). The toughest part is that saving in grad school is terribly difficult. The first year and a half are so are going to be weird because I don't really know what my taxes will look like, but budgeting should become easier as I settle in.

And then and then not only do you have to do a down payment, but also hoa fees, monthly mortgage, insurance, figuring out how to get things fixed when (not if) they break, not to mention all the fees you have to worry about before moving in and all the people you have to pay... so many things to consider, so much cash to raise. And like yes I know that serious saving requires serious sacrifice, but bread and roses man. I wanna get a bass guitar in two years, I'm solidifying a wardrobe, I wanna keep sewing. I don't wanna be so single-track-minded that I'm totally miserable for years (like they tell phd students to not let Being In School stop them from living their lives).

I need to talk to a financial advisor, agh. So many things online are saying that renting could be the better move,,,,, but something deep in my bones tells me that it's propaganda of some sort.

God the way I could've been absolutely insufferable as a (metaphorical) finance bro had I actually taken accounting seriously in high school. Like I totally could've gotten a degree in finance and gone into consulting had I not taken money for granted in high school and really thought seriously about it. Honestly...? That probably would've been an easier way to live than the path I've chosen, but I suspect that what I'm doing will be a bit of fun and probably more intellectually stimulating. So that's okay. I guess.

Another funny thing about this whole ~house~ mini-obsession is that it was merely a month ago that I was freaking out (mildly) about the idea of moving away from home lol.

On to different topic entirely, Knowt has got to be my fav quizlet successor. Having anatomy experience is definitely making these practical cram sessions go by faster.

Today I'm thankful that I'm mostly back to normal and also that I decided to go to this social hour thing where I might've made a new friend (someone who knows my puzzle-friend actually lol)! Now comes the tough part--finding and scheduling things to do with them. It's not like high school where you are with people all the time and come to learn who they are gradually. This takes a lot more conscious effort I feel like.

Okay, enough time spent here. I have (too many) things to do.

[edit, like 20 minutes later: I think I just worked through necessity vs sufficiency in my head and im so proud]

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houkagokappa · 7 months

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List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you! get to know your mutuals and followers (ू•‧̫•ू⑅)♡

Thank you for the ask, altho I guess it was on me haha

I get to play dnd again! A few weeks ago two of my colleagues mentioned that they have an ongoing campaign, and once they heard that I'm into dnd as well, there was an instant mutual "you could play with us/I'd love to play with you" exchange between us :D It's been great to get back to a beloved hobby - dnd is what kept me sane throughout the pandemic, and I'm thrilled I get to hang out with these people outside of work, because I really like them and I want us to become (better?) friends. Being included/excluded is a very touchy subject for me, and now both have shown a clear interest in spending time with me outside of work and I couldn't be happier!

I'm happy I'm in a position that allows me a lot of flexibility. It's been a little stressful this week, because I might be getting sick and I've mostly been laying in bed instead of doing something more productive and fun (like I had planned), but it's also nice that I have the possibility to do so. I can come up with my own schedule and it's great to get to do things at my own pace.

I've been connecting with a lot of people! Besides the two work friends I now play dnd with, I'm building up my relationships with the people in the same uni program as me. They're cool people and it's easy to spend time with them, as long as I have a reason to meet up with them (I've been studying, but not on campus so I've barely seen them since we all started). I'm also very slowly building up friendships with people who share the same hobbies as me, and I'm trying to maintain the few longtime friendships I have. I have a lot of plans to see different people during the upcoming weeks and I'm so happy to be building up my social network again, because it disappeared almost completely a few years ago. Besides the friends and people I hang out with irl, I'm also really happy to connect with people online, and I feel like I've made some progress keeping up with everyone!

I'm doing that one text post trick and treating myself like an animal in need of enrichment, and I'm providing myself with that by trying out new things. Mostly I buy and try out new foods, but I'm also planning on visiting a few places and then I'm forcing myself to go on walks every single day to keep my mental health strong. It's kinda working? And trying out new things is a lot of fun, even if some things end up tasting weird.

I love rambling on forever and ever when it's a topic I care about or I feel comfortable talking to someone. I used to feel self-conscious about it, like I'm weird and bothersome, but I've since found several people who act the same way with me and encourage me to keep going, and it feels so good to be accepted as I am? And to find people who enjoy talking to me for it?? Although sometimes our messages get so long it takes me a while to reply or get back to them haha

#ask #dreamyghostie #my nonsense

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twoidiotwriters1 · 2 years

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Copycat: Agent Zero —(Marvel Fem!Oc)

A/N: Don’t get too excited about Billy btw he’s there and they’re sleeping together but he’s definitely not a love interest lmao -Danny

Words: 1,712

Phase Four Masterlist

Previous chapter // Next Chapter

Listen to: ‘Forever Fifteen’ -by Mothica

v: Pretending

Cat wasted months attending social gatherings, pretending to find amusing jokes she didn't understand, and wearing painful kinds of shoes. It was exhausting.

"You owe me a nice pair of underwear," she mumbled against the pillow.

Billy chuckled. "If I buy it, I'll get you whatever I want."

"I've never been a fan of shopping, so you'd be doing me a favor."

He finished tying his shoes and looked at her over his shoulder. "When can I see you again?"

"You're so needy," she teased, supporting her head on one hand, "we're seeing each other right now."

"If I'm asking's because I'd like to have a clear schedule for you," he explained.

Cat's head fell back on the pillow and stared up at the ceiling. "What if this is the last time you see me?"

"That's definitely something I won't allow."

"You wouldn't allow it?" She had to stop herself from laughing, Billy tended to get upset. "It's none of your business, actually..."

Billy never worried whenever she disappeared. He would be intrigued, yes, a little curious, but never worried. "If you go and decide to live in some other country," he smiled, "only if you met someone, then I'd stay away."

She sat and let the sheets slip off her body, leaving her bare in front of him. Cat grabbed the remote and turned the tv on, Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes showed up on the screen. She had to admit his new suit looked good, and Bucky was better, but she had her doubts about the two.

"Captain America," Billy muttered with a dark gaze, "it's hard to look at them when I know how much of a show they are..."

"Weren't they always?" She yawned. "The suits, the press... and the whole drama with the accords! If that compound were still standing, I'm sure they'd have their own reality show..."

Billy laughed. "Not a fan of the Avengers?"

She took her time to reply, once she did her voice was quiet. "When I was young it felt like they were my everything... But adults shouldn't admire other adults, it's weird."

"So how do you suggest we treat them?"

"What do I know?" Her eyes lingered on Sam and his new look. "What I would give for one of those suits, though..."

"I know where you can get one."

"If you tell me to visit one of those geeky stores downtown—"

"I'm being serious," he interrupted, "some friends found stuff, they're selling them after they make sure they're original."

She pretended to be only slightly interested. Her voice adopted a tone of mockery. "You believe that?"

Billy scowled at her. "You think I'm an idiot?"

"Where is it, then? A super-secret man cave where the guys gather to dork about Hulk's spandex?"

Billy reached across the bed and held her face, not painfully, but with a tight grip nonetheless. "Think a little, Kati, before you talk," he said, "the Avengers had the best tech in the world and they never bothered to look for it, a few years ago one of Stark's planes almost got stolen... Imagine how wealthy they are, if they don't even care about the little fortune that's buried under the destruction."

"Little fortune..." she said, mouth pouting ridiculously thanks to Billy's grip. "And you guys obviously need the money."

"Not the money, the tech. I don't know why I try to explain this to you." He let go of her face with a scoff.

She thought of Peter trying to clarify things she couldn't comprehend. Of Harley, who would roll his eyes at her lack of basic knowledge, but would still explain patiently. Billy was older, he was a busy guy, and he had no time to ease a woman into his life. She had only one choice: sit and be quiet while he ran the show.

Billy stood and grabbed his shirt from a chair.

"Okay," she said, sounding like she was throwing a little tantrum, "take me to the stuff."

"They won't sell until next year."

"Tell me where it'll be, at least. I wanna know."

Billy finished buttoning his shirt and smirked. "Maybe later, if you behave."

She pouted a bit more, just enough to look disappointed, giving her best puppy eyes. Billy was like every man, and none of them could resist a pathetic woman.

"It's not just a place, it's an event," he circled the bed and sat on her side, placing a hand on her knee, "it changes location."

"How do you know where to go?" She asked, reaching for his hand and caressing his fingers.

"They send word a week before the auction," he stared down at her small digits wrapped around his.

She dropped his hand and moved out of bed, walking toward the bathroom. "I might've found my hobby!"

When she entered Fury's office, the last people Cat was expecting to see were her aunt and uncle.

Fury pushed his chair away from the desk. "Talos was just telling me about your training. It's a small universe, who would've thought my old friend was your uncle?"

She closed the door. "Is there a problem?"

"Fury's explaining what we'll be doing in his absence," Talos said casually.

"What?" Cat asked. "Where are you going, sir?"

"I'm taking a break. We came back only to work our asses off, and now that everything's under control, I decided to take a short vacation. Do you have any news on those black-market auctions?"

"Yeah," she answered. "I got a guy that's been present in most of them, and he's going to call me once a new one takes place."

"Good," Fury pushed forward a file, "given that you love to complain about all the free time you have, I've got this and a little errand to keep you busy."

She approached the desk and seized the file.

"A little visit to Mexico," Fury began, "your aunt and uncle will go with you but you'll be there to supervise and do a little under-the-radar investigation."

She raised a brow. "And they'll have to look like you and Hill? Otherwise, you wouldn't've called them..."

"We're happy to help," Soren smiled, "it's been a while since our last visit, we think it's time to catch up."

"So you prefer to employ outsiders —no offense— instead of just leaving me in charge?"

"Making my absence known could be dangerous," her boss explained, "you can help them if something goes south, you've got enough experience."

"Thanks," she said curtly. "Is there any hero you'd like me to call in case these... occurrences... turn out to be a bigger issue?"

"We have no one at hand," he wasn't happy about it, "just you and that Parker boy if you can contact him."

"I doubt I'll be that desperate, sir," Cat muttered.

"You'll have to see him at some point, agent," Fury pulled something out of the drawer: The Stark glasses. "He didn't answer."

"He's a smart guy," Cat taunted, "I'm glad he realized being an Avenger isn't all there is to life."

"Save us your heartful speech," Fury dismissed her, "you're in charge of seeing he gets this. As for the other thing, make sure it doesn't escalate, even better if it's some small cartel misusing Stark tech sold at one of those auctions, you might even finish your main mission!"

"Hope not, otherwise I'll find myself empty-handed and you'll have me calling the office every day," she joked.

Fury nodded at Talos. "Good luck to you, if that's the case."

"My uncle adores me. Ain't that right?"

"She's a nice girl," the Skrull cleared his throat.

"Well," Fury stood and shook Talos, Soren, and Cat's hands. "I'll see you all later." When he was in front of her, he tighten his grip before letting go. "I'll open a subdivision for non-human agents like you. If you succeed, there's a big chance I'll make you the director of it. Don't let me down, Zero."

Daredevil approached carefully, the night was quiet and he could tell Cat was in a contemplative state.

"I thought you weren't allowed to be out here now that you're an agent?"

"I'm not," she said, "I'm leaving this weekend."

"Are you nervous?"

"No," she glanced at him, "but ever since my brother died the city's the only place where I feel his presence. I don't know what I'll do once I leave... he won't call to ask how the mission's going."

Matthew leaned on the wall. "Did you tell your friends you're leaving?"

"Why would I?"

He didn't reply, instead, he asked something else. "Have you talked to Harley?"

"I have better things to do than announce my activities to every man in my life," she got up.

"I didn't mean to upset you," the man gave a step forward, "it's a fair question. I don't feel comfortable knowing you don't have a support system."

She laughed, it didn't sound like her old laughter, though. "Says the guy who refuses to tell his friends what the last five years did to him."

Matthew tensed. "It's different."

"Because you're a grown tough guy and I'm a little wee baby? I'm more resilient than you want to admit, Luci."

"I'm not saying you're weak, I'm saying that if something happens and you don't come back—"

"Everyone can put two and two together," she interrupted, walking toward the fire escape. "I'm an agent, if I don't come back, they move on. Not like I play a big part in their lives..."

"Billy Russo will be heartbroken if his girlfriend dies before their next date."

Her foot slipped a little, but her hand was tightly holding onto the railing. It was hard to tell what he was thinking given that half of his face was covered.

"Have you been following me?"

He let out a scoff. "Russo loves to show you off. Foggy tells me the girl has long red hair, but I doubt there are two different Cat Maxwell in New York City."

"You'd be surprised..."

"Is he nice to you?"

Cat shrugged. "He's useful."

"Be careful," Matt walked forward, but he was still far from her. "Men like him respond with violence when they're angry."

"Good thing women like me do the same," she smirked. "I'm perfectly capable of handling a man, don't worry 'bout it."

"...alright," Matt turned, he began to walk away, "just come back, or I'll ask Karen to get back together."

Cat didn't have it in her to flirt back. She wasn't in the mood to visit Kurt, and she didn't want to visit Pietro's grave. The world was feeling like too much, and at the same time, too little.

"I have to pack," she mumbled, "take care of the city, Matthew."

Next Chapter —>

Taglist.

@ieatpanicattacksforlunch @jesuswasnotawhiteman @siriuslysirius1107 @greengarsstuff @itsyagirl01 @23victoria @espressopatronum454 @jkthinkstoomuch

#twoidiots writing #marvel fic #marvel #marvel fanfiction #copycat fic

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keefwho · 6 months

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October 27 - 2023 Friday

8:55am

I'm ready to be different, I'm ready to change SOMETHING. Constantly expressing myself feels like it but I want to think of a way to remind myself to do it or ways to practice it. It's weird though because it feels like a completely internal process. Something about the way I'm thinking just isn't letting me repress anything right now. It's easy to let things like that slip though, I'd rather have a physically grounded way to retain what I'm doing right now.

The best way I can describe what is happening is I'm letting my feelings flow like a river or something. They just come and go. If I think of things that hurt me, I let it hurt and it moves on. I know this is working because the deep feeling of dread I felt at almost all times isn't really there and I'm actually able to focus on and appreciate other things I'm doing. That felt impossible before.

8:29pm

God damnit, I was gonna join my friend Ena for Space Rangers tonight but she wasn't on so someone else was hosting and it was a game night that I didn't wanna do so I left. I joined this nanachi creator's birthday party who I don't even like but a lot of people recognized me there. I decided to wear my nanachi for the night which was a mistake because all I could think about was the time when I actually used it and how much energy I put into someone who took me for granted and didn't respect my feelings. As much as I wanted to imagine myself socializing tonight, I wasn't able to keep up the act and left. Maybe I'll get back on for the party because it was popping off but only if I can let myself feel this damned misery and move past it. I kinda also wanted to make a new avatar but fashion design is not my strong suit. I want to make a skater/punk girl outfit for my otter again.

If I get back on to hang out I'll have to find someone to bind to and be their support for the night. Thats how I used to make friends in the past. I have to find someone I actually sort of like in a way to talk to but thats pretty hard. I judge people too harshly.

9:28pm

Yeah, I wish I was talking to Daisy tonight. She's my favorite. It's okay to feel that way, it's an expression of my affection. It's okay to feel a little sad that I'm not. I can still find something else to do and enjoy my night. I am my own person. And I'm happy she's attending the con because I know she loves the socialization. It's okay that I feel just a little lost. There are things I can think of I'd like to be doing but don't necessarily have the energy for. Right now I'm watching Twitch and I'm content. Maybe I'll get back on VRchat but maybe not.

12:36am

Today's breakfast was the same as yesterday with the addition of a pear cup. I also slept in for an hour on purpose because I felt tired enough, I think it was a good decision. I decided not to stream and put together a different schedule today to try and get everything done. I did most of what I had to do which is good given the circumstances. I did Inktober and today's commission in David's server. Someone in there makes this "tsk" noise with is mouth nearly every sentence and it really got on my nerves. I left when work was done to do my workout which I completed in full. I think workouts have been hard lately due to slight lack of sleep because I didn't have trouble today. Lunch was a fantastic tuna melt with some cereal. I cleaned up afterwards and then completed the picture of Daisy's rats for her and another idea of mine plus some sketching. With work done I took a little break before VR time. I took a very tiny hit to compliment the drink I was having. Like I said before, VR was a bust and I ended up getting off to do a little avatar work and watch Twitch which was chill enough. For some reason at about midnight when I should have been in bed, I decided to ass blast myself with my lovense. I was too drunk to enjoy it which is almost always the case. Nutting just isn't that great drunk.

I've been thinking a lot about certain things I still have to figure out exactly what I think/want to happen. Ultimately I need something to change either internally or externally. But the most important thing for me right now is to keep letting my feelings out.

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icewindandboringhorror · 1 year

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Daily Log 7

Trying out (probably just temporarily) making short daily-ish notes about things, in an attempt to see if it helps me be more reflective or productive lol.

Activities: Finished all of the little things I carved out of avocado pits, will maybe post pictures at some point? I painted some sections (like for the eye I carved, I made part of it white for contrast, etc.) and then generally glazed them with some shiny paint stuff. Now I really wish I had more avocado pits, I was unsure at first, but I have some new ideas.. I want to try inlaying stones like I've seen in some pictures, similar to the same ones I use for eyes in my sculptures. >:3 (random google image example of the stones inside, like this sort of thing V)

Low effort/small house cleaning tasks, did a few dishes, put up laundry, organized things, put up the recycling, paid bills, etc.

Still extremely sleepy and unfocused, it was hot last night and the cats woke me up multiple times so I only got a few hours of sleep and barely had any energy to do anything and also had a headache and back pain a lot of the day. ToT

Finally made an appointment I was supposed to make like 4 days ago lol..

Gave wet food to the cats (this is an ordeal because George eats way faster than Noodle, so I have to separate them and stand guard so George doesn't vacuum his up immediately then run over and try to eat all of his brothers food.. evil boy must be watched to prevent his crimes )

Edited videos for like.. 15 minutes but still have not been very productive on that front (or editing costume photos or anything) due to shoulder pain and stuff making it hard to type/use mouse much on the computer. grrbbb >:V

Spent 10 minutes looking up a weird pendant I had in my rock collection area and found out it's an old piece of costume jewelry from the 60s(?) and could be worth like $200 potentially, which is cool. I'm not sure if I'll sell it though because I do think it's quite unique and good for a prop when making wizard character inventories, etc, and I'd never be able to find anything like it again (it's this one below.. it's very weird.. looks like something a mage would have lol)

Translated the tapestry text for 5 minutes, and got out some tubs of clothes to start organizing them to sell outfits and stuff online, but then felt ill and had to go lay down so now the tubs are just sitting out on the floor ghgh..

Notable sights: It rained a bit and the sky was very pretty at one point. Didn't get to go outside today due to schedule/low energy, so no clovers or anything. Saw a fat squirrel out the window once though. Also when I was looking through my "rock collection" (which also includes marbles, dice, pieces of glass, stones, gems, rubber balls, seashells, smooth wood, jewelry scraps, etc. ggh.. really more "shiny things collection" but it's mostly rocks, so) for interesting stones to possibly put into avocado pits in the future, I saw a lot of pretty rocks I hadn't thought about in a while, so that was nice.

Goals moving forward: Focus on social activities, finding new friends in the places I want to move, communicating with ones I have. Physical therapy exercises. Finish and upload videos, edit costume pictures & etc. Do the new costumes I've planned. MAKE SCULPTURES at some point, I miss them.

Notable foods: Nothing really.. but it's an asparagus day tomorrow I think so.. >:)c hehehehe... Oh, I did try a bite of corn, which I really really love corn but am not supposed to have it on my diet. The miniscule morsel was sufficiently cherished. Still craving hearty stuff despite resuming my iron supplements lol..

#just posting these publicly since it feels more like I'm doing something or easier to hold yourself accountable if you make public #declarations of goals and progress or etc. .. perhaps.. for now #just want to do worldbuilding I want to work on the language I want to do these sorts of things #furstrating to just walk around in a haze all day unable to focus on mental tasks like that #One of the most important things in my entire life actually is being able to think about little elves and magic and etc.#annoying to have multiple days in a row where I make very little progress on that aside from thinking of a few little story #ideas or something here and there. I should have had the text translated already and finished the worldbuilding slideshow #already and made a game set in my world already and so on and so forth.. grr #There's another upcoming heatwave again and summer is soon so I think it will only get worsw #the more often I feel warm and sick or cant sleep due to the temperature etc.#But I am trying to catch up somehow.. a little.. lol #I think it's very common to feel like you're not making enough progress in life on the things that matter the most to you #especially during capitalism and with low income and mental/physical health issues and during a still ongoing pandemic #threat and etc. etc. etc. like.. Logically I get it and I know it's not something to be too worked up over because that's just how #probably half of the population feels at all times especially people who are in similar situations to me #but still.. my brain is like Yes i know the facts of the situation No i do not care #if someone else came to me like 'ough Im feeling so unproductive for xyz reason' I'd reassure them and talk about how #it's situational and a lot of people feel that way and it's the system we live in and blah blah #but when it's ME it's like.. No.. This Situation Is Different Of Course. Surely It Is Much More Terrible #If You Haven't Finished Your Entire ToDo List By The End Of The Week Then The World Will Explode #ANYWAY..#daily log

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yuna-writes · 8 months

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Why I don't look forward to most social events

This is a question I ask myself in why I feel a great amount of negative mood when it comes to social events. You would think social events are an opportunity to make friendships, meet new people and form bonds but...I feel like a good majority of them didn't turn out so great. I always wonder the culprit is my neurodivergent thinking. At the bare surface, things mostly go well. We share laughs and stories but when it comes to maintaining relationships...things don't go well. These days I really just maintain a couple of friends I have and don't mind if they stayed with me forever.

But in a large social event, I meet more people who dislike me more than finding me likeable and I have no idea why they dislike me so much. The more reserved, quiet, and introspective I am - the more people dislike me and it leaves me a bit confused why they decide to feel neurotic towards me. I guess in any relationship, people have certain expectations on what they seem as normal behavior. I suppose maybe they expect me to be more open, talkative, and spontaneous and yeah I guess I don't really fall into this category. I definitely do share my thoughts and ideas but then people find it weird. I'm not sure what's weird about creative ideas but it is atypical on what people think about on a day to day basis. Most people think about is their family, friends, work and then their boring schedules. I guess I really enjoy exploring intriguing ideas and want to talk about it but it turns off a lot of people.

These days I try to look at the positives of working in the office but then I forget most people working there are neurotypicals so I can sense they would find me odd and then start to gossip. That's why I really enjoyed remote work. I get to work, and not deal with neurotypical people gossiping about me in the office. Although I realize over time I have the tendency to reject social gatherings or social events because I know it just ends up with drama and gossiping. The more people get to know me, the more likely they will find something about me to gossip. It's like people have this tendency to want to identify the weird person in the room and since they have nothing better to do, they want to gossip and have their little fun.

To be honest, it does impact me a lot because I start to have trouble connecting with other people when they decide to put labels over me and decide not to associate with me because I'm not normal enough for them. Whatever 'normal' means anyway. I just feel like people are those trends chasers. In other words, they just adopt to whatever social trend or culture is normal at that time and reject anything that seems to be an outlier. To me, I just never win. I try to be the person society wants me to be, but then realize I'm not the person I'm projecting. Whenever I try to be myself, I notice people still disliking me too. It's super difficult being a neurodivergent. I'm excellent at my career but terrible in social situations.

I think I've accepted this will probably never resolve itself, therefore I have become very selective in the people I want to connect with and share my personal life with because I was rejected constantly throughout my life. Nowadays since the pandemic have been a thing of the past, and people are going back to work. I have mixed feelings about what my relationships should be at work. I'm trying to be relatable and likeable to my co-workers, but I also don't want them to get too close to me because I experienced this pattern where they just create drama and gossip. Maybe it's best to keep a professional distance, even if it seems kind of cold. It might be a protective measure, but the nature of working with co-workers isn't really to make friends anyway. We're all at the company to basically work and get paid.

#notes

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desoletongue · 1 year

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So I've been having a little bit of a time lately. This one may end up a little long and a little sad, but it's all okay.

I left my job of 5 years, it was eating me to pieces and I just couldn't give my time to those people any more. It was a good choice. That it happened to coincide with my therapist closing her practice was unexpected, but I felt like I would be okay after about two days of moping in a woe is me style.

It has been okay. There have been hiccups. Some days it's really hard not to be a depressed burrito. I make a lot of "gainfully unemployed" jokes while I try to get my brain to remember that we can art and write to our hearts content and if we get tired we can just nap about it. I am lucky to have a cushion and the time to do this.

I'm adjusting to sharing space with humans again. Remembering they aren't just humans and are actually my friends helps most of the time. I wish we communicated more viably about house stuff but hopefully we improve on that. I'm just hoping I'm not the only one that thinks improvement is needed in that area.

The anxieties are gripping me tight and shaking me around every few days. Last week I couldn't sleep for two (thankfully) separate nights because I was just very convinced I would die. Not very helpful, but I played some video games and listened to chill music and tried to be kind to myself.

I'm getting back into the habit of regularly cleaning. I'm trying not to make a big schedule because I get overwhelmed easily when I see lists of things to do anymore, but I do try to grab one or two things from the "to do" jumble a day. Sometimes it's just some laundry, but I unpacked like 9 more boxes the other night. I was in bed the next day, but it was big progress and I can afford a day in bed right now.

I've been writing. I posted three fanfics in a series I've been saying I'm working on for almost a year at this point. I'm really proud and trepidatious about it. I've posted stuff before, it's not that it's a new experience, it just feels like something that I've started a growing piece for others to see. I've also been writing and developing stuff for my book.

I haven't been listening to music much, which may tie in with some of the depression. I should have a music outlet, that's been a constant for years. I just forget and the novelty of actual silence is one that I've appreciated since when I started to really feel my burn out.

Next week I should probably really start job hunting, for all that I hate it. Need to redo my resume maybe completely. Also might apply for weird slightly out of the wheelhouse stuff because to be honest? I really hate scheduling. I keep getting notifications that the schools around here are hiring secretaries and admin assistants and while I Absolutely do not want to work at a school in the year of our lord 2023 in Okla-fucking-homa, I could do admin work elsewhere. And maybe, if things work out ... I could go to school? I haven't done that but I want to. Anything but banking or workforce.

School was a thing that I've waffled on for nearly 10 years because fear of debt but at this point... We're all gonna die in debt unless we burn this whole candle down (won't bank on that), so why the fuck not. I'm a smart boy, I could learn a thing.

I did start a fansly. It's mostly friend traffic at the moment, which is really sweet and mildly comical, but only because I never know whether they're following me because they love and support me or because I'm hot. Could be both, but I'm not sure of any of it much less the all of it. (Oh geez, did they get there and not expect boobs because I'm normally bound down??)

I've been a little isolated, but I forget to socialize sometimes because it's kinda nice being able to just hang out and read and cuddle the cats? And then I realize it's been a week since I've messaged my best friend and I feel too guilty about that to message him now, except then I find a meme they really need to see and auto send it and suddenly we're talking again. We've done that a couple of times. I miss him.

So overall, a bumpy leg of our journey, but we're still trucking along.

And I have blue/purple hair again. That's pretty fuckin rad.

#personal #life update #pour le moi #about me

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the-mortifying-ordeal-of · 1 year

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Hey champ, what's new?

I am both craving and irritated by my Reptar style of blogging but I kinda need a purge before I can sort.

He asked me for a kiss and even said I could say no, but I said yes even though I didn't want to because I can't say no without consequences.

My mom is not a happy person and I want to be a happy person.

I have relapsed on true crime but I'm more choosey, more mindful, and some of it feels really nice.

I wanna start wearing a choker again.

I've wanted to cold-text/booty-text Benjadizzle and Fuckass but luckily Past Me deleted both their numbers. I've also wanted to reach out to Kelly Bean and a few other poeple from my past.

I have new leadership at work and I'm trying to be bigger, louder, softer, realer. It's a lot and I'm both scared and hopeful.

I really don't know to what degree I'm being encouraging/strengths-focused versus fawning/attaching with compliments. I try my best to use the nonviolent communication framework to express my appreciating in terms of my own feelings and needs but that's way more raw and soft so I avoid it, professionally, quite a bit more than I'd like to.

AlAnon is good for me. I want a sponsor and to work the steps. I want to have constructive journal prompts. I also want to finish the What Color Is Your Parachute book but I've been stuck on the third petal since... August?

The past few weeks, I've found myself content to just sit and breathe and settle. Like I'm trying to think of what to do next, but when I check my texts and calendar and to-do lists, I'm good. There's stuff I could do, but nothing urgent, so I just sit and chill a bit. It feels super weird.

I'd like to be outside more. Turns out I really enjoy hiking in cooler weather.

Keeping the Big December Secret has been difficult and I'm looking forward to both the event and the ability to be transparent and let my guard down afterward.

I flaked last-minute on hanging out with Ahimsa today and I feel good about cancelling. I probably would have felt resentful about going and it was nice to stay home.

We had a ladies night last night and I was the DD. I loved it, I feel no shame or regret or hot-stove mortification, I had a great time, and I need to remember that I have a better time in social settings when I'm sober. Next I need to figure out if that's because I have a problematic relationship with alcohol or if I hate myself so much that being unfiltered is intolerable.

I'd like to make more money and have more responsibility, but I also want a work setting that isn't so white supremacy culture-y with all the sense of urgency, perfectionism, hierarchy, etc. I think I'm ready to be responsible for more interpersonal complexity and exposure.

However, after ladies night last night and friend call this morning, and the brief call with Ahimsa to cancel, I've needed most of today to just chill. I may be ready for more complex content, but I'm not ready for a higher quantity of work. I require a lot of down time to stay steady and balanced.

I like DuoLingo.

I think he's doing better when I'm not around. The financial stuff still sucks but I hope it's worth it. A big part of me hopes we can have a year or two of separation and tight finances, so we can get back together and live together and be good together. Another part of me feels the tickle of denial and delusion when I say that. Who knows what the future will hold. ODAT.

Man we really sucked at pool last night. It was a great time. I love my people.

I'd like to make time each week, maybe three or even four days, to schedule a walk out in nature for either silence or podcasts. I crave all of those things but currently don't have it on my calendar so it isn't happening. Hmm but I now work four days a week. Long lunches, maybe? Or my after-work routine before dinner and meetings?

I really have been in recovery since 2016 and that's neat. I was about to berate myself for falling out of yoga, but I just shifted my healing and nurturing from yoga to walking and meditation. I have taken my recovery with me everywhere, into all realms of my life, and the form shifts but the substance only deepens and grows. I am firmly rooted, and I feel myself beginning to reach for the sun, growing taller, taking more risks, bending in the wind but not breaking, with a sturdy base but delicate and sensitive edges. I am blooming. And winter will come, fall will take this season's leaves, but I have committed to my health and wellness and I'll be okay. I may even lose branches as my environment affects me, but I take care of myself, give myself water, turn toward the sun, breathe deeply, and grow where I'm planted.

Boundaries are what I say I'm going to do, and it's my responsibility to then do that, because boundaries are also my own customized self-care instructions, my user guide, my enrichment plan.

I'm so grateful for my yoga teacher's public playlists on Spotify. And Spotify in general. Music is good.

I ate a salad today!

AlAnon really is for all my relationships. And not just through the lens of "I collect broken people" but in the sense that everyone suffers, no one is perfect, and it's important to me to find my own way of living with others that is satisfying, authentic, productive, and joyful during the inevitable and natural suffering and imperfection. Not that there's anything wrong with them, or even me really, but I am the only person whose life I can change.

Michel was talking to me about how no one can hurt her, because no action is objectively hurtful. She asked me to push back, and maybe I will because the second arrow is certainly my responsibility but the first isn't, and other people are responsible for knowing that a likely risk of shooting arrows is hitting and harming someone. Ignorance of the law is not a defense, and so forth. But I hear her saying to truly take nothing personally; to communicate and customize our interactions once we have the information, and that is what caring and the verb of love is, but that essentially what we do is only about ourselves, so you can't hurt me and I can't hurt you - you can be hurt, and I can be hurt, and we can commit to mutuality, but mutuality is a choice and we are responsible for ourselves first. I dunno, I need to think about it more. But it reminded me of the four agreements, and I sense some useful clarity there.

I think that's all for today folks. OH. I hate it when Adam calls me kiddo but I think I interrupted it by calling him old man.

And I'm still deeply triggered by sexual violence, car troubles, and being expected to make nice food. Hmm there was something else...

I'll come back when I remember. For now, nightly DuoLingo and then a meeting!

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kissingfloor · 2 years

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Woke up today feeling insane, and I haven't figured out if it's the good or bad kind yet. After having covid I've been sleeping 12 hour nights with dreams so vivid I am starting to confuse them with reality. I had a dream that I was eating jollof rice dipped in cheap mexican beer, grabbing it my the forkful and dunking it into the can- and it was phenomenal. I was peeling the dead skin off my feet, I couldn't remember how to play the Debussy piece but I improv'ed it anyway, and I was trying to join a floating commune and dodge the $1k membership price out of sheer social pressure alone.

Instead I woke up at 2pm to a lot of emails and texts wanting me to do something I haven't done yet- pay my hospital bills, or my rent, read all those lit mag submissions, send that invoice. Varying levels of anger from not at all angry to long blocks of text to debt collector threats. I think I am anxious about these things but I can't altogether feel their reality. After all, I am laying in my bed and no one is grabbing me out of it. Really, no one will. I could continue to refuse for a long, long time. I could bring it all down by doing nothing.

This is the state of mind that flunked me out of school, the kind that got me fired from all those jobs, a sort of phase of unreality. There is a sort of psychotic liberation to it, because in failing and refusing but still existing I prove to myself that my existence doesn't really hinge on these things. Maybe they aren't real at all. I could have $0 in the bank account, debt collectors at my door, friends and superiors mad at me, but I would still be here- untouched. SInking low enough to ascend.

Maybe I'll go and see a movie at IFC. Maybe I won't take an umbrella and I'll walk in the rain. Maybe I'll spend the day just looking at people. Maybe I'll blow my cousin off for coffee. Maybe I'll do something stupid like spray painting the precinct to land myself in central bookings. Maybe I'll pick a random person to fuck. Maybe I'll do a bunch of ketamine. Or even more unlikely, maybe I'll actually answer the texts and emails. Maybe I'll trip on mushrooms and call the hospital to make them forgive my bills- convince them I'm too insane to pay them. Maybe I'll just make my espresso of the day and sit here and read. Maybe I'll call up that cute boy that doesn't like me as much as I think he should. Maybe I'll throw myself off a building.

I'm ok actually, really. I'm not sad or stressed. Don't call the fascist internet police on me. Just sometimes nothing feels very real, sometimes rainy days just do that.

Last night I took the midnight train from New Brunswick to Manhattan. I met a strange + attractive poker player in the elevator and on the train platform. His hair was gray and the way he talked referenced the decades he had experienced, but his face was young. His energy seemed so strange that I think he could have been famous. It was humid and comfortable outside, and he talked to me about his weird friends in Joshua Tree- how he lives on their compound for free and makes his money in poker tournaments. How- if i had some intelligence- which he asked me if I had- I could make money that way, too. That is, if I also played a lot of poker. We lost track of each other and I was thinking that maybe I should have just followed him off the train into the night- gone down the shore to whatever weird party house I knew he was on to. The conductors yelled over the PA that they were "low leveling" tonight, and everyone got off in the middle of the tracks. So dark I couldn't see them as we left the station behind.

I gave everyone money who asked for it that night. The conductor had good, strong forearms. He kept reading the printed train schedules out of boredom, which I found funny. Reading timetables over and over as the traincars clacked and the humid air wheezed in through the cracks.

I thought of all the other people who I have run into- always at night- who gleefully and innocently suggest a new career. The MTA worker who told me all about their benefits- how I could have a great career as a train operator. The flight attendant who almost got me to fly out to their training grounds in pursuit of a more fucked up and mobile lifestyle. And now a poker player.

Different lives to think about. Nothing too unlikely until I reach some point where I suppose I am too old. But I'm not there yet...

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gaaaaaay · 2 years

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Brain rot rant

Journaling is good for u right???

I'm so stressed out by literally everything all the time and simultaneously absurdly depressed and my brain just straight up doesn't work anymore anyway it's my day off and I'm hoping talking through my stressors and what I need to get done today might help. Please don't even read this lol

The thing is that these are tricky tasks for me because they involve making decisions I just don't feel ready to make lol

1.) Plan trip back home next week - four days to see everyone you know from your past life. Some of them are crazy though and tbh you'd rather just Not but you don't wanna be a total dick. You also have to drive your unregistered uninspected car up there for six hours and, assuming you make it there without breaking down or getting pulled over, sell it once you get there bc long story short your ex sucks and refuses to transfer the title of Your Goddamn Car. Also a bit of an oversight on your part not taking care of this sooner but you had no idea it would be an issue bc no one tells you how to deal with any of this shit life throws at u

2.) You're broke. that's not new really, you're just as broke as you've always been. You lent all your savings to your crazy even broker friend so she wouldn't be homeless and you're just praying she can pay u back soon. She's driving u nuts and being weirdly rude to the point where u want to cut her off but u need that money and honestly, u need a friend. Bummer! At least your debt is paid off I guess.

3.) JOBS!! Every spare minute I be stressing about jobs. That's right, we're switching narration styles rn. My current job sucks obv, it's minimum wage and is just enough to keep me afloat if I work enough hours to make me crazy, which is anything over like 20 hours tbh bc the workload/responsibilities/physical labor is a lot. There is v little management so when I'm training people and shit I have to make like executive decisions constantly and I was barely trained myself so obv the job isn't rocket science but there are no guidelines for anything and it's exhausting. This ain't my circus and I ain't getting paid enough to care about it tbh. Plus all the new ppl keep burning out quickly bc the job sucks. Anyway so with whatever's left of me I'm trying to find something better, some kind of office job or at least a new local job where I would probably do half the work.

-Have this event that I have to schedule for my current job that I've been putting off as long as possible bc I keep telling myself I'll be outta here in like a month. It's been rescheduled like four times for various reasons lol. I don't wanna go!!!

-I should be hearing back from one local job today or tomorrow and they're probably gonna hire me and then I have to Decide!!! Agh!!! This job will probably be more socially stressful but is SO close to home and I know that walking to work rn will ease my anxiety a lot for some reason.

-i have to send my schedule to this other local job and I totally forgot I was going on vacation next weekend bc time is flying by and I'm taking it day by day. Ack!! I also just feel weird about this job I can't tell why exactly. Email will read: Dear job, sorry I don't look at calendars I guess!!

-this job in the city has reached out to me twice so I should really respond today but it pays only slightly more than my current job and is part time, so who knows what that means. Is it even worth it?? Can I even afford to be picky after a year long extremely discouraging job search??

-no word from last week's interview, probably bc I couldn't convince them or myself that I'd be happy there tbh oops.

Just wanna crawl into bed, not have to talk to a soul, and then die lmao!!

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glittergutts · 2 years

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A long post. I'm sorry.

Last night we ordered all of Lola's birthday presents and lemme just say it's scary spending money and next year I shouldn't put it off as long. She just wants things for her baby dolls really. So I got her that stuff and a new dolls.

I also ordered the kids both a pencil box and a bunch of cute pens and pencils. I'm starting to get excited about school starting back in the fall.

Yesterday me and the girls met up with Ellie's best friend at the mall and I found out about a local homeschool co-op. I was reading about it and they have some really neat classes like reptiles and magic tricks. It's also affordable for what it is. It's only 8 weeks of classes and if we like it we can sign up again. I think it could really benefit the kids to get a little time apart and learn about something I can't teach from another adult. I feel a little odd about someone else teaching my kids, it's always been my job.

I've been plotting our school year and have probably a zillion books picked out. Honestly I'm going to rearrange my living room to fit another bookcase to hold more stuff. I'm not buying a workbook for every subject, just English and math. Social studies and science were just going to do a lot of reading and fun projects. I want things to be more hands on.

Since getting off benzos I've realized there's no structure in our house and I have to work on creating some. I think it will be easier in the fall when dance classes start again and if we do the co-op they will get a tiny bit of a normal schedule. I have a feeling I'm going to be busy driving my kids around a whole lot. Lola also wants to do gymnastics and God bless my mother offered to help pay for it cause all these classes are fucking expensive put together for 2 kids.

My first attempt at giving my kids real structure will be meal times and like an actual bedtime not just whenever they get ready for bed. I'm going to meal plan and try to cook more. Ellie wants to learn to use the stove so I'm going to make an effort to teach her though I'm not a great cook.

Hopefully all they need is structure because they've been having a hard time lately. Fighting over every little thing, not listening to me, throwing absolute tantrums and I don't feel like it's appropriate for my 10 year to act the way she does. I'm honestly worried about her, I know she's going through some changes but she cries and screams over anything and most the time I don't understand why she's upset so it's hard to help her and eventually I start feeling impatient because she keeps it up for a long time and it's loud and stressful for many reasons. I just don't think it's healthy 10 year old behavior. I've been considering bringing her to therapy because I want someone to help my child because I'm not able to help enough for anything to change. I'm sad she's so easy to make sad. She used to be so happy it really hurts seeing her like this and not knowing what to do.

Ellie has made some friends in the past few months and I'm hoping her friends can help her be happy too. So I'm agreeing whenever someone ask to hang out with her because it seems like they just bring her happiness. Neither of my kids had friends before like May so it's weird for me to be home alone while they're at the neighbors and exhausting to meet up with friends from dance class but it feels way more normal. Before I felt like it was my fault they were lonely for not sending them to public school where they could make friends. So I have hope now that they can have a normal social life.

I've got so much on mind. All I want beside health and safety for my family is to be able to clean my house. I let it get like this now I have to fix it. I'm starting to accept its going to take awhile. I just feel like it needs to happen before school and other classes start up so we have a clear space to focus and less stuff we don't use anymore. I have anxiety about buying books because there's no shelf space for them and I don't want to add more to the mess. I already feel anxiety about Lola's birthday and getting new things when we already have so much. I just want her to be happy though and she deserves a nice birthday.

For Lola's birthday were going to fill up the kiddie pool and have the neighbor kids over for Popsicles or something and a swim. She wants to go out for dinner too and I feel like that will take the whole day. She's upset I won't let her do a pinata with her friends because one of the kids is pretty violent and I don't want to encourage her to hit anything. After all she already hit Ellie, I'm not giving her a stick to beat things with.

We have a vacation coming up soon with my mom and her husband. However they are currently not speaking to each other for reasons I don't understand but I know I dont want to be around them fighting. I had enough of that from my mom and dad and im just not fucking doing it again. I'm stressed about having enough money for the trip. My mom in general causes me stress. And I'm stressed about getting the house cleaned ish by then. I'm stressed about the roof top pool at the hotel. I don't like being up high. It used to not bother me but now? Fuck no. And I'm going to have to go for my kids sake and damnit I just want to do scary stuff.

Still adjusting to life without benzos and realizing all the things the drugs fucked up in my life is giving me whiplash. I'm alive but I don't know if I'm okay. I can't stop thinking and planning and stressing.

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comicaurora · 3 years

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Waaaaiiit you grew up an undiagnosed neurodivergent? I feel like I should have a tom of questions because I've recently begun to wonder if I'm neurodivergent too, but I can't articulate my questions at all. So I guess what I'm asking is, what was that like? How were you diagnosed? What's the story behind that? Are you comfortable sharing your experiences with growing up "undiagnosed neurodivergent?"

Big, big caveat that I have not been diagnosed with anything. Smaller caveat that it's looking about 98% likely that I'm very ADHD, which would certainly help explain

"she's very bright, if she would just focus more in class and be less disruptive she'd be perfect" on every single report card I ever got

I'm listening, I promise, I'm just not looking at you, and if you make me look at you I won't be able to keep listening

if I cannot doodle in class I will Die

did I miss the day where they passed out a handbook of social rules

nah coffee doesn't wake me up or disrupt my sleep schedule at all, if anything it makes it easier for me to focus, guess I'm just weird that way

I've finally finished the thing I was working on and I just realized I've been sitting cross-legged for six hours without moving, I'm hungry, everything hurts and I really need to pee

why do I feel so weird and bad AH yes I have forgotten to eat

didn't I make tea sometime in the last four hours

hey wanna hear me talk about the media that's been consuming my every waking thought yea you do here goes

there's a car a block and a half away whose brakes are squeaking so I didn't hear anything you just said

I tried doing the assignment you asked for but it was so boring I wanted to melt so I did this cooler thing instead can I still get a good grade

I already know how to play this music, this is boring, I'm going to play it twice as fast so I'll be done quicker and wait for the rest of the band to catch up, because that is how music works

"oh yea that person hated you for years for some reason, they talked about it all the time, you really didn't know?" no but thanks for letting me know I guess

what do you mean I have to put both my feet on the floor when I sit in a chair, do you want me to die

hey wanna hear some cool space facts yea you do here goes

I'm ten years old in a class of less than twenty people and I don't understand why a solid dozen of those people won't stop making fun of everything I do and say but I've at least figured out I have no way to make them stop so I'm going to try leaning into being proud of being weird even though I'm not really proud I just feel dumb and confused and alone but I can at least pretend I have some control over this situation because I'm receiving zero support because the school administration doesn't know how to address bullying that doesn't involve physical violence and I can't work up the nerve to even be angry at most of these guys even though anger would make things so much easier to emotionally handle because when they're not making fun of me they're friendly and fun to be around and that's really all I want from them and I don't want to push them away when they're being friendly to me because then they might start just being terrible and I'll be even more isolated and I don't even realize I'm scraping along emotional rock bottom for years until

I'm fourteen years old in a new school where I don't know anybody but nobody thinks of me as the designated bullying magnet and people actually act like they like me and think I'm new and interesting and fun to talk to and invite me into friend groups and social gatherings and the things that made me weird and hurt before are what's making me interesting and fun here and I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop but it never does so

I'm seventeen years old at a high school class retreat and I'm clumsily trying to explain to the rest of my grade how much they've done for me just by being kind and I had a plan for what I wanted to say but the minute I got up on the podium it all turned into a blur and I still have no idea what I actually said to them but I hope they got the message

I'm eighteen years old with a close-knit friend group I still can't quite believe is real and I don't think I'll ever be able to explain to them how much they've done for me and I'm really worried we're going to splinter when we split up for college but we don't because sometimes people really do care about each other

I construct a youtube channel specifically designed to let me infodump all my directionless media enthusiasm into carefully-crafted serotonin machines so I can stop boring my friends to tears with them and start inflicting the infodumps on willing audiences that actually seek them out

I very gradually start processing that the fact that my life kinda sucked for several years had nothing to do with my worth as a human being and everything to do with the fact that I was stuck in a bad situation with a lot of other unhappy people, and that things being good now isn't some temporary fluke doomed to fail

I'm twenty years old and I see someone online mention "rejection sensitive dysphoria" for the first time and a whole lot of things about me start making more sense

Everything gets better and I'm happy, well-rested, and not alone

#asks #not aurora

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