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plushii-gutz · 2 months

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Part 6 yes a cool chapter oOoo - I skipped ahead about a week

☆*ﾟ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ゜ﾟ*☆

Galvana's training alongside Sage had progressed quickly over the last few weeks. However, Sage's discomfort became present after the celestial had begun asking for specific abilities. They didn't care, though. She taught them anyway. That's all they really needed.

Galvana learned how to redirect the energy of life from one plant to another. They learned how to send jolts of electric blasts in cases of emergency. They learned how to climb more efficiently, run faster, jump higher - all with the help of their robotic companion and the elemental combination. Galvana was proud of themself. Sage was, too.

But she saw more than Galvana's ability to learn so quickly. She saw how much stress they seemed to be under, how strangely close they would observe her. They began to rant more often, become frustrated when they failed to master something within the span of a couple of days, displayed abilities that the wubbox had never taught them nor wanted them to learn.

Their physical appearance had begun to change, too.

Galvana's eyes had grown something fierce within them, the tiny blood vessels inside them becoming more visible as time went on. They seemed to stand taller than before - something that only Sage would be able to recognize. Their horns had begun to grow further forward, like two daggers that formed a crown, and the way they spoke gave Sage chills along her spine.

She grew anxious. She was almost scared of who Galvana was becoming within such little time. She wanted to distance herself, but the young monster made it all too clear that only Sage would ever listen to the horrible thoughts in their mind.

The two monsters had finished training not long ago, now resting in the fading sunny rays and enjoying the last few hours of daylight.

"Scaratar is leaving tomorrow," Galvana mumbled.

"So soon?" The wubbox said.

"Yeah. This castle won't be very stable once she does."

"Wha..what'cha implying?"

"She's the only sane celestial around. How could a poison monster be kinder than Earth? The second she leaves, Furnoss isn't going to stand up to any of the other idiots I have to deal with. Vhamp never leaves its fucking room, Plixie never shuts up, Torrt breaks everything he touches, Blasoom always needs to be the center of attention, Hornacle is.. He creeps me out. Something isn't right about that guy."

Sage gave a slow nod.

"Say.. uh, 'Vana?"

"What?"

"After, uh.. after tomorrow, I'm thinkin' we should take a little break."

Galvana sat taller.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean.. I think we need to sort of split up for a bit. We've been seeing each other every day nonstop! Don'cha think we need to settle down for at least a second?"

"Is there a reason?"

"Galvana, I'm tired, alright?" Sage raised her voice. "I know you enjoy spending time with me. I enjoy it, too! I've just been feelin' smothered lately. You talked about hanging out with Vhamp - why not try that out again? Sure, it's in its room all the time, but aren't you too?"

The plant wubbox held her breath after the last statement. Maybe that came across wrong. Maybe.

The electric monster rose to their feet, their expression nothing more than mild annoyance. However, deep in their eyes, it was as if a storm was brewing. Without another word, Galvana fled from the trees. Sage called out an apology but was met with no response. The truth was out. She couldn't take back the harshness that left with it. Although she wasn't happy with herself, at least now she would have a second to breathe.

The castle door swung open and spammed shut, shaking the entire first floor with its strength and causing a few heads to emerge from their rooms. At first, due to the strong shaking, Vhamp was under the impression Torrt had gotten home in a lesser mood, but upon inspection, they realized that he hadn't ever left. Torrt was in his own room, connected to the same game he and Plixie played so often, while Blasoom spectated nearby. However, the sudden noise sparked his curiosity, and it dragged him to the hallway. They actually seemed surprised to spot Galvana of all monsters to have caused such a ruckus.

Furnoss stuck his head out of the kitchen, considering giving Galvana a stern talking to over the increasingly irritable attitude, but ultimately decided not to waste his time. Torrt leaned into the microphone of his headset.

"Hey, Plix?" He said in a quiet tone. "Should we check in on 'vana or..?"

"Was that what I heard? Fuck. No - why should we?" She spat. "We've tried since we were kids to get them to speak. All they do is complain that Glaishur is alive! Sure, they lost their powers, but when will they ever need those? We hardly use ours!"

"If you ask me," Blasoom added in, "the way Strombonin talked about them is enough to tell me that they're better off without powers! He said they electrocuted him!"

"That didn't happen.. did it?"

"Torrt, why would he lie to us?"

"I dunno. I mean, I feel like we're being sorta harsh to them."

"Revive me, asshole!" Plixie yelled, changing the topic back to the game at hand.

Torrt nearly fell from his chair. After they had helped the plasma monster up, they hopped off the game, no longer interested in the play or the conversation.

He spoke with Scaratar often, and as of recent, all of her ramblings led back to Galvana and their behavior. She wasn't upset with them, nor did she blame their anger. If anything, she was more annoyed with how the rest reacted. Then again, Torrt heard of what the other side thought and believed. He couldn't pick a side, especially when both had an argument.

Now wasn't a time to ponder over puzzles that will never be solved. Maybe Furnoss needed some help.

Furnoss had been making a plentiful of meals for Scaratar to take along her journey, most of which were non-perishable. One of these treats seemed to grab Torrt's attention; a freshly baked pie! Surely Scaratar wouldn't mind if a piece was missing, right? Unfortunately, it seems Furnoss would. He was quick to smack the Earth celestial's hand away.

"Not for you!" He jokingly bickered. "But really, I wouldn't recommend eating any of this - unless you have the poison element."

"What'dya mean?"

"I didn't want the berries Scaratar grew going to waste, so I made this! However, they are extremely poisonous, and I don't want you or any of the rest to try and sneak a bite! You know we don't have Viola anymore to keep us from dying."

Torrt agreed with a small shrug. He asked if Furnoss needed any help, eyeing the many bowls of batter or dirtied baking sheets. The older monster was quick to deny.

"Are you sure? I mean, I would'a assumed you were done. There's a lot here," Torrt motioned to the table. There were mountains of baked goods, containers of meals, baskets of fresh fruit, jugs of clean water - it was enough to feed the entire castle for weeks.

"Just a few more," Furnoss insisted. "You see these baskets? I have woven them myself! Viveine had shown me how last visit. I restored those jugs on my own as well. All the fruit was foraged by hand, I churned the butter myself and went through many recipes until everything was perfect - can you believe it? I've never kept so busy!"

The earth monster fidgeted with his hands uncomfortably. That certainly seemed like a lot. They were timid with their next question.

"Furnoss?"

"Yes?"

"Do you- have you taken a break at all?"

"Now why would I do that? There's far too much to finish!"

"I mean.. like I said, there's already a lot done."

The fire celestial turned briefly to place down a new tray of dried apple slices, immediately picking up the next batch to place into the oven. It only took a quick glance to see how grayed his face was, how strange his expression was.

"Have you been sleepin' at all?" Torrt pushed on.

"A smunkin appeared in Blasoom's garden," Furnoss changed the topic. "Can you believe that? No one seems to know how it got there. I was thinking of making those smunkin-spiced cookies Glaishur likes. Maybe he and Attmoz could use a care package, too! Would you mind fetching it for me?"

"Uh.. On it, boss," the earth monster tried to joke. He was visibly saddened and a bit uncomfortable, but was happy to leave for the outdoors.

The sky was shades of blue and purple now, a smidge of pink still barely visible the distant hills and trees. Torrt walked along the right side of the castle and towards the back, glancing over to the nearby woods in admiration of the beautiful colors that seeped in between the trunks. He couldn't help but notice the broken, burnt streaks within the bark. They don't recall any kind of lighting or storming. These must be old.

Around back, the monster looked over the vast garden he had assisted in creating. The stone statues and once freshly dug earth seemed to settle into their spots at his arrival, almost greeting him as he walked past and into the greenhouse.

Torrt recalled that day with ease. He was the one who dug up the land, finding a few shiny stones as he had - which Hornacle had promptly stolen. Or 'borrowed,' as he called it. Blasoom and Scaratar had begun their spreading of saplings as Attmoz provided a cloud for shade, Torrt coming back in to cover everything up. A little rain and time brought them everything they have to this day.

Although they had many fond memories to reminisce on, he tried to pay attention to the task at hand. The door to the greenhouse swung open, and before Torrt had the chance to figure out how his shell would fit through, they found themselves tripping forward and crushing something beneath himself.

"Oh.. oh."

The sticky remains of the smunkin clung onto his chest and face, dyeing him a translucent orange. They lifted himself from the ground, looking over the mess they had made.

"This.. probably ain't good anymore."

Having failed such a simple task filled the monster with embarrassment, even more so as he realized there was no way to start over. Furnoss would understand it was an accident. Hopefully. Torrt moved the mess outside into the grass, unsure as to where else he could lead it, and slowly hobbled back into the castle with a new, messier look.

He was a little surprised to see Vhamp standing at Galvana's bedroom door, debating whether or not it should knock. It was odd to see the mechanical monster with any expression other than mild annoyance, even more so for it to seem worried. Whatever Vhamp intended to do, he ultimately went against it, returning to his own room.

As if the situation wasn't awkward enough, Torrt walked into the kitchen to find Furnoss being comforted by Scaratar, the fire monster visibly in silent tears.

"You're exhausted," Scaratar spoke softly. "I know you're trying to keep busy, but this isn't healthy. You need to rest."

"I know," the firey monster admitted, "but I just.. I worry for you."

"Furnoss, I feel like there's more to this than just worry. I don't say this with ill intent, but you didn't react this way with Syncopite, even less so Attmoz and Glaishur.. is something else on your mind?"

Torrt kept himself hidden from view, knowing that this conversation was certainly not for their ears to hear. Furnoss lowered his head.

"Why is everyone leaving?"

Of all the questions Scaratar had prepared herself for, this was certainly not one of them. Her antenna twitched at his breaking voice, and she hoped deeply that her collected tone would have some sort of shift on the air around them.

"The same reason any other monster leaves their home. There's a whole world out there for us to see. Sure, it has many risks, but we have this opportunity to experience what we never thought we would."

"It's so.. odd," the fire monster perked up. "I know none of you have any memories of Starhenge, but even there, we were never apart. Not once in my life did I vision myself without you and the other celestials around me."

"I understand it's a lot. I don't want to sound mean, but I noticed a.. progression. In how you reacted to each of us leaving. I wish I could tell you more, but what I have said is true. It will be incredibly hard to cope with, but.. I know you'll be ok."

"You're leaving tomorrow. The Colossals know how I will respond."

"Then do it with bravery."

The two rise from the kitchen at Scaratar's order, taking Furnoss to the hallway, and soon the room so he can finally get the rest he needs. Torrt quickly moved out of the way to ensure he was never seen. Maybe it would be best if he cleaned himself up and never spoke of the destroyed smunkin.

☆*ﾟ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ゜ﾟ*☆

Morning came sooner than any monster had anticipated. Humbug, accompanied by Ghazt, had arrived at the castles door mere minutes after breakfast had been finished. Outside, the two Ethereals helped carry the extra meals Furnoss had made the days previous, Scaratar able to drag her luggage along with ease. There wasn't a lot to pack, apart from the many gifts she was given for her journey.

She was dressed with a long sun hat, a brilliantly decorated dress hiding her insectoid appearance from any wandering monsters' eyes. Although she was told she would be heading directly to an apartment, the poison monster knew for a fact she would wander the streets for a little while after. Even if she did encounter trouble, it was nothing she couldn't handle.

The rest of the household stood outside, the same way they had with Syncopite and the couple. Something about Scaratar's departure seemed to strike more than just sorrow within their minds. Being in the middle, she was the link that held everyone together in terms of understanding. She brought confidence to the castle - something that a handful of the Celestials had lacked. She would be deeply missed for sure, but promised to give them an update on every adventure she went on - the same way Syncopite had promised.

Surprisingly, it was Galvana who stood outside first. They had been outside during breakfast as well, bitterly watching the Ethereal monsters arrive. Neither seemed bothered by the supernatural monsters appearance at first, but the longer their eyes dug into them, the more they wished for Scaratar to hurry. Of course, she did.

Each Celestial took a turn, saying their farewells. Furnoss held the side of his head, unsure of what he could say in this moment.

"Be careful," he finally said. "Be careful."

And she would. Scaratar made sure each got a hug, words of support, perhaps share an occasional joke or reminisce on their past. As usual, she left Torrt in charge. He wasn't surprised, but amused nonetheless.

Finally, Galvana's turn. The poison monster leaned in for a hug, only to be tackled by her young friend. They held on tightly, a clear desperation in their strength and a painful sadness in their voice.

"Please don't go," they begged.

"I'm sorry," she said in return. "I'll be back for you - I promise. You just have to wait."

Moments passed before the two were released from one another. Scaratar had never seen Galvana as pained as they appeared in this moment, even after everything that had.. happened. She was hesitant to leave now, but she knew it wouldn't be smart to wait too long. The streets would become active very soon.

With Ghazt opening one of their many interdimensional portals and Humbugs excited nature, the final farewell had been made. Scaratar left to explore the grand city, leaving everyone else behind.

"Well.. this sucks," Plixie huffed, putting her hands in the pocket of an old hoodie handed down to her from Glaishur.

"If I ever leave, one of you is coming with me!" Blasoom stamped one of her talons into the grass.

"I could," Hornacle offered. "How does Water Island sound?"

"No one is going anywhere," Furnoss cut the conversation short. He motioned to the castle. It was time to return to normal life. As normal as it could be.

Galvana left for inside, intending to return to their room. They made a quick stop by the kitchen, though, to grab something to snack on while they continued working on the project that had started with Vhamp's help all that time ago. Unfortunately, it was a solo project now. It had to be.

The electric monsters eye was caught by one remaining dish that Scaratar had left behind: a pie.

#my singing monsters #fallen stars msm #msm #fallen stars au #msm au #msm oc #fanfiction

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manonamora-if · 5 months

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December Check-In

I promise I didn't almost forget :P Even if I definitely forgot to do the weekly devlog last Sunday... To be fair, it had been a week...

Recap of last month’s progress

IF Events in the Next Month

Plan for the next month

Still long post ahead. If you want a mini version, head over to itch.io!

November Progress

Still play more IF and maybe review. ✅

Finish the edits of Harcourt Ch5 ✅❌

Fix one of the semi-completed games: ❌either the Egg parser or TRNT (and make it a proper parser)

Finish that darn SugarCube Guide: ❌there aren’t much left in the guide to cover, but there are a few things to fix.

Again, I knocked the first one out of the park. I reviewed all inkJam, EctoComp, and Bare-Bones Jam entries (which helped me get on the main page of the IFDB). It was nice to play shorter games again - it makes reviewing pretty quick... Now that the IFComp is also over, I kind of want to go back and check out the entries I didn't manage to play.

As for the rest... It's been a bit of a hell of a month, and it's not looking like it's ending any time soon. Still, when I had some free time I managed to:

Finish my portion of the edits of Harcourt (and MelS was almost done with it... before he ran into computer problems - dw the file is safe!)

Assess the damage with The Roads Not Taken and come up with a plan to fix all of it. I also started on this one, but there is truly a lot of damage.

Make a bite game in binksi, Tower of Sleep, for the Two-Button Jam

Make a One-Button prototype, Don't press the Button, to test some JavaScript/jQuery (half-failure)

Make a zine for the first time: An Ode to Pissaladière

Make a new code template: the Character Creator

Submitted a bunch of seeds to the SeedComp!

Does it look like I got distracted by a shiny new thing instead of finishing my projects? Yes. Do I care? Nope. It brought me some joy and amusement in some weird months... Banging your head against the desk because code is not working is... not, obviously.

What’s happening in December?

A bunch of jams are happening on itch, because end of year means maybe some free time, and also, you might as well do something for the sake of saying you've made something.

The ShuffleComp (@neointeractives) has started, though the entries won't be available before January. You can listen to the kickass full playlist in the meantime!

The Sprouting Round of the SeedComp! (@seedcomp-if) has just started. There are 99 new seeds available for use to make a game! Deadline is March 1st.

The Deck-Month has just started, to make a game with Decker.

The PunyJam #4 ends in about 2 weeks (if you have the time to learn Inform w/ the Puny extension...)

and of course: la Partim 500 numéro 8, for those who want to do the Neo Twiny again... but French!

I'm probably gonna pop-off a Partim. I did it last year and it was fun :P

The PLANtm for December

December is a busy month for me, which includes a lot of time offline, full days travelling, and lots of planning. So I will take any free time I have and do fun stuff if I can!

But if I have space for IF, I'd like to:

Play more games! Well... I already am, just not really IF. My Steam Library is crying for attention. I would like to knock down maybe a dozen more IFComp entries if I can. There were a lot of good games, a lot of loooong games.

Code Ch5 of Harcourt. That will be MelS dependent - well, MelS's computer dependent...

Finish fixing The Roads Not Taken. I have a plan, I have the notes... I just need to sit down and re-code (and re-test).

Finish the Guide for real! I know SugarCube 2.37 is coming soon, which will affect the state of some pages (and maybe require more pages). BUT I've been working on fixing old pages (typos - re-explanation - clearer examples). So, this is likely to be done sooner rather than later...

Taking the list of TO-DO from August…

To-Do not require much of new stuff:

translate Escape Goncharov! into French. ✅

fix the bugs in EDOC + overall the French version to match

fix the bugs of TRNT + find a way to add the missing pieces (ongoing - translation unlikely)

fix the formatting of DOL-OS + translate into English ✅

update LPM with the missing content + translate into English ✅

No change this month :/

The rest of the To-Do pile was:

Finish The Rye in the Dark City (and maybe translate?)

Finish P-Rix - Space Trucker (and try to translate)

Finish Exquisite Cadaver (translation unlikely, current gameplay too complex to port for French)

Add a chapter to CRWL + fix/reopen the blog

Re-working TTTT to its originally planned state (lol, not likety)

Re-working SPS Iron Hammer (samesies)

Coding TTATEH (MelS dependent - shooting for end of year)

Emptying my inboxes (they are not all answered tho)

Honestly, this pile probably won’t get done this year…. Maybe TTATEH has a shot...

#dev log #monthly check-in #manonamora #interactive fiction #nothing very substantial...#except the template!#the past few months have been good and terrible and very weird...#also dealing with the Shuffle and the Seed comps behind the scene...#loads of little thing piling up

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futuresafe · 1 year

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I enjoy your Osiris thoughts, tell me what has changed about him that you're not vibing entire with pls

On one hand it's very obvious to me he's getting counseling. All the ways he's talking very much reminds me of mindfulness exercises I've gone through myself. And obviously that's a very private ordeal but it's also at the same time like. Gimme something to bite on, something to chew, even if it's one offhanded comment about it I would like confirmation that that's what it is.

Because otherwise This kind of reflection and mindfulness feels... I want to say inorganic. Mind you he woke up like what... 5 weeks ago? And he's made This sort of progress so quickly? I guess I wanted something more of a slow burn with his growth rather than a "oh shit I'm mortal and I've been a dick" kind of epiphany which also kind of paints his actions as far worse than they actually were.

Additionally the commentary about Ana not knowing Osiris trained under Felwinter was incredibly strange to me. It was well known that he trained under him. It was in the history books and everything. It's part of why he was even considered for being the Warlock Vanguard, so Ana being like "holy shit you knew him?" is like...? And why was he selfish for not telling her? It's not like they were particularly close and it's not like it was Imperative to his modus operandi. And again, it's not like any of them knew Who Felwinter was until just a few months before Osiris was, well, abducted.

It just feels like filler to explain to the audience, which Does, Unfortunately put Osiris into a weird position where it's like. These are things the in universe characters should know so talking about it from a perspective of where they DON'T for the sake of players who didn't play Worthy is like... There's better ways to give this kind of background than this? Idk it's felt strange to me.

See the thing is Osiris is a complex character. I will always vouch for his written lore because we get to see his complexity in it. There's layers to him and I like picking it apart. It's enriching for me to be able to go in and look for the double meaning of his words because there often is.

This season there isn't that lore for me to pick apart, there isn't that complexity. It feels like they've realized that the majority of the player base — sorry for my rudeness here — is dumb as shit and wouldn't know a complex character if it hit them in the head. So they've made him more digestible, they've taken some of his complexity away, which simply doesn't work for him.

#destiny spoilers #my posts #asks

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fictionplumis · 2 months

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Some progress has been made!

I saw a Cardiologist yesterday and almost broke my "did not cry during a doctor's appointment" streak. (We are up to 3 now, woot!)

So basically, my heart is doing one of two things. Either it's going, "I need to emulate my hero and savior Sonic the Hedgehog," and is always beating so fast for no legitimate reason. Like with POTS. Or it's going, "Oh shit, this place is fucked, I gotta beat faster to make sure all the blood goes to the right places." This would be my heart reacting to another factor in the body and feeling like it's necessary to speed up, like if I had some underlying rheumatalogical condition.

I already knew things like POTS could really fuck up your system, and I've never been officially diagnosed but I've been pretty sure I've had it since high school, when I mentioned to my mom that I get tunnel vision everytime I stand up and she immediately took me to get an MRI. I didn't think it would make just existing doing the bare minimum to live such a hell.

Anyway, he's putting me on meds to slow my heart down. Either these meds will work and I'll feel weird for a bit and then start feeling better as my body adjusts, meaning it IS my heart deciding to go 130 BMP for funsies while I'm doing literally nothing, or the meds will work but I'll feel much, much worse because my heart does, in fact, need to go that fast because this place is fucked.

And by this place, I mean my body.

Now, he did mention working out! He explained that he would usually start treatments for something like this without medication first, but unlike the rheumatologist, he took my struggles seriously and said that since simple, daily tasks are such a struggle, and my heart rate is so high at rest, the medication needs to come first so I can get to the point that I CAN start low effort physical therapy.

He also asked if I had researched my symptoms online and if there was anything I've found or heard of that I felt matched my symptoms best, which god fucking bless dude, that's one hell of a green flag for a doctor.

The hardest part about dealing with doctors for me is that I have this defense mechanism where I am "an open book" and speak honestly and openly about my struggles, but in a very friendly and humorous tone. Like, "I'm so emotionally exhausted that I can't concentrate on much anymore. I've beaten Baldur's Gate like twelve times because I know everything that happens and it's low effort now. I'm so tired of playing Baldur's Gate, man." It's true! My tone usually implies humor and a joke, and I guess that makes people go, "Oh, things are difficult for her but she's okay enough to make light of them."

And I don't know how to not do that?

Even the nice doctors that took me "seriously" still didn't seem to quite understand the full scope of me saying, "I haven't left the house for eight months for anything but doctor's appointments. I haven't seen my friends in eight months. My family goes to eat dinner without me and brings me home lukewarm, soggy food in a takeout container. I've had to stop my sewing projects because my arm gets tired so quick holding down a sewing pattern that I can't trace around it without taking a break, and then the pattern gets misaligned and I get frustrated and start crying. I'm on antidepressants because I can't do any of my hobbies, I have nothing to distract me from this hell where simply reaching up for a cup in the cabinet feels like a herculean task, my room is a mess because I can't clean it up, and I was crying three to four times a day. Now I only cry once or twice a week. I am scared, and lonely, and everyone in my house works full time so it's hard for them to help, and I try not to ask them for much. When I do need to ask for help, I often spend a few hours having an anxiety attack before working up the nerve, and if they say no, I feel guilty for immediately bursting into tears over it and making them feel bad about it. My hair looks awful because I usually keep it short but I can't go through the effort of getting dressed and leaving the house for a haircut, so I took a pair of scissors to it in a Britney Spears style meltdown and you know what? She had the right idea!"

I guess something in my tone just implies hyperbole? Or maybe I don't come across as distressed enough while saying it, so they think it can't be possibly be this awful, life-ruining thing? Unfortunately, breaking down crying doesn't convince them either, I've tried that already. So IDK how to get doctors to understand what I'm feeling.

This guy, though?

I front of his two student shadows, this motherfucker, who is the softest spoken person I've ever met, by the way, leans over his knees and looks me dead in the eye to say, "I want you to know that you're an amazing person. I can't imagine the kind of strength it takes to deal with this for as long as you have with no answers, and still be pushing yourself to come to appointments like this when everything is so difficult for you. If this is cardiac related, I want you to know that we're going to figure this out and get you back out there in the world. At your age, you should be out with your friends, having fun and living your life, not isolated and struggling like this. Do you have a support group? Who all is in it?"

Man. There is something about sincere compassion and genuine concern that hits right to the core, and I could barely keep myself from bursting into tears.

For all my jaded bullshit with the doctors and the American medical system, sometimes you end up finding a gem.

So either these new pills will work and in the next couple of months I can start a long path to recovery, or they won't but I'll be able to tell every other specialist I see that we 100% know my fast heart rate is a symptom of something else, not everything else being a symptom of a cardiac issue.

#Personal #Health bullshit #I'll probably be using these two tags for posts like this #Feel free to block them if you want it's chill

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x-cl-br · 8 months

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it's Friday, and tomorrow is...

TABLETOP NIGHT AT MY APARTMENT

so I'm doing another one of these posts about my custom ttrpg system that i run for my friends. it's been a bit, so to recap: the system was modified from Call of Cthulhu's mechanics, with the express purpose of reducing the importance of numbers and math. my players just want to roleplay a bunch, so removing those barriers lets them do what they want without worrying too much about crunchy numbers, making the whole thing a lot more immersive.

last time, I talked about the players stats: Physique, Motorics, Stealth, Mind, Rhetoric, and Shivers. Everything is binary pass/fail, and players have to roll better than their stat value for a success so that they can still hit those huge nat 20s. As for the weird stat names, the game's vibe is intense horror, so I wanted the stats to feel less like your own attributes and more like a disconnected evaluation of a person's faculties, kind of like an autopsy. the goal is to make it feel a little off-putting and cause just a tiny bit of discomfort before the session even starts.

now, onto the new stuff:

THIS WEEK'S TOPIC: WILLPOWER

so this is a secret extra stat that I didn't share in the last post! it works very different from all the other stats because it's more of a consumable meter, like mana, in a way.

What does it do?

players start with 25 willpower (or WP), and can use some of it to buff their rolls. it's meant to be this "power of the human spirit" kind of thing, where through sheer force of will, the characters can alter fate. kind of like when you drop something and catch it before it hits the ground, or like any anime scene where the mc calls on his heart or whatever.

What can you spend WP on?

for a few examples, players can use 2 will to push a roll, meaning they can reroll a failed check, but if they fail again, the consequences will get much more severe. this one's ripped straight from CoC, but I like it a lot so I put it in the wp system.

there's also the higher cost options to REALLY power through a check if you desperately need that success- 5 WP can allow you to retry another players failed roll before the consequences hit or give yourself advantage on your own roll. these can be combined, too- I'm not too picky on it, because none of my players have broken the game using the system, but we'll see what they do this week!

finally, as a last ditch option, 6 willpower can be used to shrug off a non-lethal hit for 0 damage, OR to barely survive a lethal one with 1hp.

it's not perfect, obviously.

these costs are a little finicky, and very much not final- I'd love to tune them a bit more as well as adding a lot more options to use WP on, but that'll come with more play testing with the system. currently, though, I think it's in a good place: players are using it often, and they seem to like how it feels! but there's definitely one question left:

what keeps them from using all their willpower (and how do you get it back)?

so I've been working on this for a bit- there used to be willpower damage from encountering scary stuff or seeing someone die, but that just made it so nobody wanted to burn WP on anything so i axed it. currently, if you run out, you get all your stats debuffed by 2, so it's not super severe, but still pretty bad. to that end, WP comes back from resting, taking medication, or making progress in the story, kind of like a measure of the teams morale. if they're doing good and making progress, their willpower increases.

all in all I think it's a really fun system that I'm very proud of at this point, I love letting the players have those intense hero moments where they can pull through a hard situation with their fighting spirit. it definitely needs work, but im iterating on it almost every session.

Thanks for reading!

I'll be back next week with another one of these because I'm bored at work and don't have much else to do lol

#whiskeysays #dnd #dnd dm #dnd campaign #game design #ttrpg design #i promise ill format these better in the future SORRY #ttrpg

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librathefangirl · 10 months

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Hi Libra! Hope you're doing well!

I forgot to tell anyone but!

Some elements of Meliodas's "more demonic" character in my new au are heavily inspired by you in particular. A demon having a unique system of thermal regulation is straight from that one fic of yours, I thought it was a crime I haven't seen such a concept played out in anything else I've read. I feel grateful to have read so many interesting ideas for how demons and goddesses are, biologically and culturally, and I hope you and the mutuals can feel the respect I have for your work and creativity when I reference your headcanons in my own.

Hope you have lots of fun with the new writing challenge! I am right there with you (spiritually).

Does this mean I'll be updating my fics, especially that first one I haven't touched since April? Hopefully 🥲

we really chose the "good luck with all that" fandom to write fiction for. serious kudos to everyone doing this (the canon character writing and nakaba's weirdness are haunting me.)

Have a lovely day :D

Hiii!! I'm doing pretty good all things considered. Been making some real progress on chapter 2 of A Debt to Pay these past few days, so I'm really excited for when I'll finally be able to share that with you all.

Ahh, I feel so honored 💜 You know I love more demonic Mel, so any time I can inspire more of that is a win in my book!

I think that's one of my favorite things about writing for this fandom and one of the most frustrating things about canon, because we've got this whole fantasy world with all these different races, not to mention a main group that are all different - there's just so much potential there, but so little is done with it in canon. Like, yes there are differences between the races, especially when it comes to what they can do; fairies can fly and transform, giants have their connection to the earth, demons have their dark power and goddesses have their light and healing. But I also feel like there's much more that could have been done, especially when it comes to physically attributes. Like Meliodas' demon form (because yes that still annoys me). We have demons that definitely don't look like humans, and with Meliodas being the son of the literal Demon King, you'd think he would look a little more, idk, demon? I mean, Chandler and Cusack get human-looking forms and definitely-not-human-looking forms, so why lot Meliodas and Zeldris too? And the Demon King as well. For someone with demon in his name, I expected something... more?

Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. What was I talking about? Oh right! One of my favorite things about writing for this fandom is that you can take a look at canon and then go "you know what, this is actually what demons and goddesses are like". It really gives you the opportunity to explore creatively. And, while I can only speak for myself obviously, I feel honored if someone goes "this is a great idea, I wanna add it to my story as well, so that I too can explore it!"

YES! I'm excited to get started on this challenge once the poll is done. And I'm really excited to see how everyone's been voting! Because, as I haven't voted in the poll myself, I can't see how it's going. So, yeah, living in the dark until the week is over. But last time I checked I've gotten 30 votes so far - exciting!

Until then I'm working on my other wips. Like I mention, I've made some real progress on A Debt to Pay (finally). This chapter's gonna be a lot longer than chapter 1 too (6 scenes instead of 1!) Not sure how much longer yet though, I've only written about half of the chapter so far and have actually been going at it old school for the most part (so I have no clue about the word count). Yesterday I spent most of the day sitting on my sister's balcony writing in a notebook. Hoping to get it done and up soon! :D

"Does this mean I'll be updating my fics" <- This! I feel this 😂😅 Hopefully we both get some writing done this summer. Excited to read the continuation to that fic whenever you get back to it! Or any other fic you may write/update before then! 💜

Yeah, there's definitely some... some things to think about while writing for this fandom 😅 Agreed, kudos to us all!

Hope you're doing well too!!

#libra answers #hihopelessromantics #nanatsu no taizai #seven deadly sins #meliodas nnt #nnt demons #libra talks about her writing

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the-sugary-falcon · 1 year

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I was tagged by @litho-sphere <3 for these questions!

Are you named after anyone?

Pretty sure I was named after like my great uncle or something from my dad's side? I met him like once and he had a cool like twirled mustache.

2. Last time you cried?

I cried quite a bit a few weeks ago when my cat unfortunately passed away.

3. Do you want/have kids?

I don't currently have any kids. For whether I would eventually like having a kid, it depends on my partner and if we both feel comfortable with raising kids together. Not against it at all though.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

I kinda do but only when it's going to be very noticeable and funny and won't go over anyone's head because I'd hate to come off like an ass lol.

5. What is the first thing you notice about people?

I generally tend to notice people's hair first, because that's usually the main thing that I care about with my own appearance. If this is about what I recognize the most easily with people, its generally their voice tbh. Many many times, I'll think about voice actors sounding very familiar and will always look up their whole acting history to see why I recognize it.

6. What is your eye color?

I have dark brown eyes!

7. Scary movies or happy endings?

That's honestly a very odd question, cause I mean like scary movies can absolutely have a happy ending! Horror does not mean that it will absolutely end unhappy, even just ending with that a character survived generally feels like a happy ending in my books. Yeah it's not as great as it can be but the fact is is that it's over. The kind of ending I definitely don't prefer is when the movie ends on the threat just being revealed to not have died because I mean it just doesn't feel satisfying to me to end on an "it was all for nothing" when it took so much.

8. Special talents?

Uhhhhh I mean I've been told by a few of my English teachers that I'm very good at writing essays so I'm kinda proud of that! I'm pretty good at shooter games idk lol

9. Where were you born?

I was born in the U.S.

10. What are your hobbies?

I play a lot of video games <3 I like writing occasionally but only really when I'm bored in school and not doing anything. I do read occasionally too! I just bought a bunch of books and have to start making some progress in them!

11. Have any pets?

I have two kitties and a german shepherd who is kind of a brat and he is very large. And I would die for any of them.

12. What sports do you play or have you played?

I played baseball and soccer when I was like 8. Otherwise nothing really, I was in choir throughout highschool competitively if you count that!

13. How tall are you?

I'm 6'3"!

14. Favorite subject in school?

English has generally had the classes I enjoyed the most overall, I had a history of rock music that was also very fun! My Biology classes have been very fun but oof a lot of work lol.

15. Dream job?

I want to be an ornithologist! I would love to work in a bird sanctuary or work with any kind of research for avians! I think some sort of game development would be pretty fun but I also haven't made any sort of progress towards that as an occupation lol

If you feel like doing this then I will tag @frogkimmy @dapper-lil-penguin @yaspup9000 @it-is-no-use and @hippiejunk or anyone that would like to participate! <3

#litho sphere

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resharc · 15 days

Text

a recap on jam

It's been a few weeks since I finished the Acerola Jam 0 (check out the jam if you haven't, there's a lot of cool games!) and I've had a bit of time to decompress and think about my experience. I also was literally unable to do this until this week so hahaaaaa.

If you haven't already, please check out my game jam game, Gunmatic Aberration. Some of what I'm gonna go over will make more sense if you've played it.

but maybe you like having no clue what I'm talking about, in which case, read on

A Summary

This was a good experience and has given me a good bit to think on for the other game. Which is both good and bad: part of the reason why progress has seemingly stopped is because of this. I've been working on stuff behind the scenes and polishing up bits (and rethinking others) to show off later.

I'm happy I was able to release a project that people could, you know, play. From start to finish, with very few bugs that soft-locked or broke the game. People found it fun too, which was a plus.

However, there's a few things that were problems and I'm unhappy with:

The game is confusing to play without any guidance; there wasn't obvious enough signposting or tutorials, which meant I had to tell people how to play (this is not a good sign).

The balance isn't great: some rooms are too hard. Others are too easy. Some powerups just suck, others are too good.

The boss doesn't take advantage of the core gimmick.

The presentation is lacking.

The last one is the thing that stings the most.

The Problem Of Visibility

In the three weeks the game has been around in the jam, my game was viewed 52 times, downloaded 19 times and rated 4 times. I posted it a few times and passed it around my friends. Around 6 of those downloads were from my friends. These are, by all means, not bad numbers. Someone on the Acerola discord found that the mean number of ratings is around 4 - so I'm perfectly average.

Part of this is just due to there being over 900 entries. Part of it is luck. A lot of it is because the game fundamentally doesn't catch your eye. My visual competency is, well

The biggest problem, I feel, boils down to marketing. Let's list a few problems with Gunmatic.

The game looks like a flash game made in 2008. This isn't bad but there's a stigma against those games.

The thumbnail does an awful job at describing the game and getting people to click.

The screenshots are confusing without context and frankly, suck.

The title sucks.

Part of this is just my own general competency. I am not a good artist by any means. This is something I struggle with constantly - I can, at best, make nice-ish looking animations and use some basic tricks to make it look a bit smoother. You can see this in a lot of my other clips. I also suck at names (honestly, my other game has some awful names...).

Focusing on GA, I could've done a few things better here. The easiest ones here are, add a gif to the screenshots and make a better thumbnail. I've done a quick mockup below of what that could look like (note i spent like 5 minutes on this). I could've used the gif in this very post on my screenshots screen too.

Getting People To Play

The second hurdle was actually getting people to play the game. It's one thing to get people to click, but how do you get people to actually play it?

I had a click-to-download ratio of about 3:1. That's, all things considered, not that bad! However, getting people to actually download your game, in a game jam with 958 entries, is difficult. Why play this flash game you need to download when you can play MEGA CHESS, which looks like a Real Game that you can play in your browser?

It probably would've been smarter if I'd just exported this to HTML5 and embedded it into the browser. This would've reduced the hurdle to play significantly: a lot of the most popular games in the game jam were, expectedly, browser games. And games Acerola had boosted (hint hint haha jk unless..........?).

Playtesting

This relates to my other issue: a lack of playtesting. by people who weren't me, i mean.

This is probably one of the hardest problems I've faced - both here and in my actual game. Unless you have friends who are into game development, it's hard to get someone to sit down, play your game, and give you their thoughts on what works and what doesn't. It's a fairly significant ask of someone! They have to play it for a bit, understand how it works, suffer through any problems, and then formulate their thoughts.

I developed Gunmatic Aberration over 2 weeks while working full time. I had a lot of dead time to fill in those two weeks - I should have been bugging my friends for their opinions and telling me what sucked and what didn't.

I didn't do that often.

This, above everything else, is what hurt the game the most. The game is fun, but it's incredibly unpolished and has more potential than anything else. The randomness of the game hurts it (it's a roguelite, after all): you can effectively just Die if you get a difficult room without the right powerups. It's difficult to figure out how to play without explicit instruction. These are all problems born from the developer being the only person to play it.

This is slightly just anecdotal, but I believe the top games in the Game Jam are both made by exceptionally talented people who also had some people giving them feedback. Maybe some more than others - but there was a conversation that I didn't have until the last few days.

i guess thats it?

So! That's what I did for about half a month in March. Then I went on a holiday and have been ruminating on this since.

You might be asking, "wait a fucking minute, you haven't posted anything since... November! What the hell! What have you been doing for the 4 months prior!"

That's cause, uh

woah check this out

#devlog #gamejam recap #thank god nobody reads these

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talisidekick · 5 months

Text

Tali Life Update 05/12/2023

Alright, sorry I've been a bit inactive, much has happened. I did a bit of polling around on a few private discords this last week and a bit, and got some people to look at my previous streams to give me some unbiased feedback. What I was told kinda just ... made me a bit upset for the oddest reason. I kind of knew the answers that were coming because I can see the watch metrics on my streams/videos. I just hated hearing it because I put work in to make a gaming channel but that's evidently not where my talent for entertainment lies.

The upsetting consensus is that any time I stream or make videos, me playing videogames is the part people enjoy the least. I started the YouTube channel and Twitch streams (when I did them) to get through the videogames I have but haven't played through yet as a way to doccument my HRT progress on a weekly basis. It should have set in sooner, but I was being stubborn: the Tumblr blog (here) with my autism fueled rants, info dumps, etc is more popular than my YouTube channel. As in:

YouTube:

Tumblr:

And my YouTube metrics mirror this with the most activity on any stream being when my face is front-and-center and without the Avatar. People don't come to my channel to watch me play videogames, they come to see me talk, rant, and share my opinions. I'm better at entertaining an audience by direct communication than I am through the co-experience of other media. In fact, I seem to have a degree of excellence at it.

Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE talking about the topics I do rant on. I enjoy spreading positivity and encouraging the acceptance of trans people. I love sharing what I've found and learned, and what I know. It's just frustrating that my other passion, that is gaming, is something I've tried hard at making entertaining but is so effortlessly beat out by the other passion I put no struggle into at all.

Part of what I want to do is make a safe communal space for trans people of all expressions, allies, and fellow queers of all identifications. I know there are many out there, but I want to add to that. That means consistent content creation. That means making enjoyable content. And if my playing through games isn't entertaining to the majority of viewers then I need to make more entertaining content to achieve that overarching goal of another safe space online.

I'd like to foster the same supportive community I've managed to create here on Tumblr over on YouTube. I've decided to bring my more popular content and the style of rants I know people on here enjoy from me to YouTube to do just that. That doesn't mean less action here, that just means my intent to schedule streams for Sunday might become a lot more relaxed and less game heavy. I've been working on one such video but I figured that rather than just change up the channel without notice I'd say something here because it's very possible the YouTube side of the whole "Tali Sidekick" name may get closer to the Tumblr side. In fact, I'm planning for that. So at least there will ve a bit of history to explain that.

Additionally, aside from all this, as you all know I've been accepting donations for my official name change through Ko-fi. I'd like to thank the 4 donors so far:

Wanpasu,

Em,

mihyo,

and Rhedyn.

Your combined efforts have raised enough to get the $50 CAD I need to get the photo copies of my identity doccuments (drivers license) notarized. This gets the ball rolling on the process, there's a $127~ filing fee and an $80 RCMP fingerprinting fee that I hopefully should just barely be able to cover. Getting reprints on my Birth Certificate, Marriage License, and my Drivers License updated will just be somethkng for down the road unless I'm lucky. So thank you so much for your support so far. And thank you to everyone who reblogged the donation post so far, and thank you to anyone who does. I'll update the goal once I submit the forms which hopefully should be tomorrow.

Thank you for reading all of this, and I hope you have a good day. Stay safe out there, I know for some of you the holidays are rough times, so here's me wishing you get all the small joys you need to get through it.

#talisidekick #talisidekick things

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lulupen2023 · 1 year

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Bells' secret diary 3/7

Thank for reading the previous parts, the cuteness goes on *O* Summary:

What if Matthew kept a secret diary since his very first meeting with Dominic till the birth of Muse and all its consequence? And what if said diary wasn’t just about music? This work participates to the 'FirstApril' challenge of the group @Non solo Sherlock - FB multifandom events group

Teignmouth, Il Den, 15th June 1992 Hi Diary. yes, I know, I'm terrible, I have started so well that it seemed I had to write to you every day and instead…

Look, how late I get back to you. But I have my reasons, you know? First I had to clarify what was important to write to you. And, I admit it, I was a bit overwhelmed by events, I lived days so intense that they left me excited, satisfied, but too tired to share them with you.

But now, thanks to this fresh air that can only be breathed in this park where we skipped lessons countless times (and then I didn't tell you, but that fateful day after school it was right here that I asked Dom if he could give me guitar lessons), I felt like picking you up again. Maybe it's also because Dom isn't here, he's gone on a family trip, he does it every now and then, he's very attached to his parents. Unlike me, he has parents who love each other very much, but I'm happy for him. How do I know all this stuff about him? Because since the day of the audition Dom and I have bonded so much. At first we only saw each other for the guitar lessons that he still gives me from time to time, even though he says I've made such remarkable progress that I'll soon be teaching him something. And then for rehearsals with our band, me, him and One, Two, Three, because I told you I wouldn't bother learning their names... and I did right, you know? They left because they weren't motivated enough, they walked out on us without beating about the bush and now we've been rehearsing for a few weeks with Four, Five and Six,… and if I call them that, you already know why.

But I wasn't talking about them, I've already wasted way too much ink on these pages for them, let's get back to the really important stuff. Dom and I started looking for each other quite frequently: me offering to walk him home from school or vice versa, a movie coming out at the cinema that we both want to see, so we end up going to see it together, me inviting Dom to my place to let him listen to some of my records, him doing the same… and from his grandmother to his sister, I don't know which of that family is the kindest to me,I get a very warm welcome every time, but even in my family everyone dotes on him, me first, haha. And when we can't see each other physically, we have very long phone calls, talking about anything, even before writing to you he called me, but since he wasn't at his house he had less time to dedicate to me and I understand that. Last month, on May 1st to be precise, after exactly one month of going out, I banished any kind of fear or shyness. I took him aside and told him clearly: 'Dom, I think that now you are my best friend.' There was a moment of silence on his part, as he looked at me seriously in the face and I was already completely desperate, fearing that I had run before I could walk, that I had frightened him in some way.

But then do you know what he did? He smiled at me, hugged me tightly and replied: “Oh, Matteh, if you hadn't said it I would have. You're my best friend too, but I don't think that, I know that for all intents and purposes.” 'Matteh', he had never called me that... I like that he has his own way of calling me, now I want to find one too. So, do you understand, dear Diary? I not only have a regular band, but I also have a best friend, the most special one there could ever be.

And then that hug… something moved inside me… I mean, he and I are very physical, we love contact with each other very much, whether it's to play a joke or when we need some affection… but so close… he had never held me like that before and it was such a beautiful feeling.

Uh, it's true I left you with a nice unfinished business… would I be able to write a song? Well, the answer is yes, and more than one, it's like having opened a Pandora's box: I can't stop myself anymore and I pull out a bit of everything, from the rabid, even better if stuffed with swear words that are so cool, haha, on the verge of nonsense… and all with a mad rhythm, which Dom handles beautifully… and it goes without saying that Dom approved my songs with unprecedented enthusiasm. Only then I also tried something more serious, reasoned and, bloody hell, it scares me to dig so deep into my soul and find out what comes out of it. But it is one of those fears that fascinate me. Not even Dom has read those lyrics, for now they remain where they are. However, during these days there was also an event that is certainly important to me, my birthday. And Dom knows me so well by now, he knows my mom's passions that he passed on to me too, so he gave me a Ouija board. Not that I didn't already have one... or ten, but I appreciated it so much, even more because he wanted to have a séance with me, even if he was pissing himself off with fear!

We summoned a spirit, I asked him if we are going to be the most amazing band on the planet and he replied: 'Soon'.

Who knows if he's right, in my opinion he is and time will tell, time that I can't wait to spend with Dom as soon as he gets back from his trip. Uhmm… I just re-read you and I have the feeling that I’m naming Dominic a bit too much. At this point, I really hope Dom is gay, because maybe I am becoming gay. Great, now I also want to write a song about him.

Notes:

I pwomise some time-humps , also because this challenge asked for no more than seven entries...

#fic writer #fanfiction #fanfic #young belldom #belldomfic #belldomfanfic #young Matthew Bellamy #young Dominic Howard #personal diary #dear dairy #first pov #early days #Muse before becoming Muse #Teignmouth #friendship #slow burn #belldom #pining #birthday gift

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koqabear · 1 year

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oshdkfj HELP? we're seriously telepathic at this point it's kind of scary... even more so because i've noticed this is Constantly happening to me and it's like, i'll tell someone we're telepathic as a joke at first, and suddenly it's not a joke anymore LMFAOO i think i'm the problem 😞 (fun fact: i'm really good at accidentally manifesting it's like midas touch but with words)

i've been well for the most part though n i hope you have too! i've just been preoccupied with school, playing the sims 4, or decorating toploaders...! i will literally do anything and everything except write; which sucks because i was really excited about this idea and i wanted to finish it by this month, but i haven't made any real progress with writing the storyline or mundane scenes so i don't think that's happening unless i suddenly get a burst of inspiration turned motivation. also, i know some people say that if you get stuck you should work on something else entirely or write a different scene, so i did both of those and here i am again... with two unfinished fics but complete ideas.

the ideas never stopping but the motivation does is actually so real and True though like omfg? i think with myself and my writing style in particular, i absolutely can't let myself get distracted, otherwise my source or motivation is entirely lost and difficult to get back again. i'll constantly get super immersed in a story, outline every last detail and write bits and pieces here and there, but actually writing/finishing and posting it seems to always end up being my problem and . idk how to fix it ?! like i have way too many story outlines in my notes that at this point i think i should just rebrand my blog and make it an idea bank for writers seeing how my own writing does Not want to see the light of day Ever

anyways, sorry i didn't really mean to talk so much about myself but i hope you find your motivation soon! you honestly have a lot more perseverance than i do when it comes to writing and getting your drafts done, so i don't doubt for a second that you'll get over this block soon and tackle all four...? fics 🙏🏼 boxer tae and loser gyu are here to stay ! – ml

We literally share one mind at this point bc it’s like we summoned each other or smth 💀

I’ve been well also! Life’s been a bit busy these past few weeks, but I’m finally getting some free time again,, hopefully this means I’ll have more time to write too

but omg I totally understand what you mean! Sometimes writers block is so intense that nothing helps, and now I’m stuck with so many more drafts it’s actually driving me insane..

And yes!! Mundane scenes are soooo hard to write!! It’s literally whats keeping me from my boxer tae and loser gyu fics, like they need to be there for character development but oh lord is it getting boring for me to write ! I’m also the same way with writing— I need to stay in one place and remain focused or else that fic is not getting touched again 😭 and if I don’t stop writing at an interesting scene it’s over for me

I usually avoid outline my stories in detail it’s insane 💀 the only one I’ve done a full outline on was OYD, and most of it was a voice recording of me incoherently throwing ideas out; after that I took the key points and wrote them down (then I added important details i needed to remember as I wrote)

I always wing my stories which is why I always have to go back and add stuff in LMAO it’s not the best method but it works most of the time…! Then when I’m about to stop a writing session I leave a vague checklist of stuff I wanna write (like scenes and stuff) and hope I touch it again </3

Making ur account an idea bank is such a mood I have so many good stories that are just gathering dust bc my inspiration is dried out 😭 I also hope you’re able to find motivation and inspiration for your stories, it’s such a frustrating feeling to have writers block and I’d love to see your stories !

#the fight to finish my stories gets harder everyday #I’m gonna go write some drabbles I got and see if that fixes anything 😭#Lord I have so many stories I can’t wait to share #but I’m literally my biggest enemy #rambles #koqabear asks #masterlist anon!

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afterthe4th · 1 year

Text

Journal Entry 90

Date: July 3rd, 2044

Time: 7:41 am

Today will be my last day living in this cabin. I must have rationed the food and water I found incorrectly. I was supposed to be able to last at least a month without needing to search for new shelter again. But, I'm still grateful for the 3 weeks it housed me. It was the longest I've stayed in one place since 'the 4th' now that I think about it. The second longest was at the abandoned church I think? Wait no, it was at that Pearl something something resort hotel. If those stupid humans didn't throw that flare into the hotel lobby, the Gasers won't have been forced to travel up onto my floor. I would still be happily living there alone with Cat.

Just thinking about Cat makes me happy. I taught him how to play dead last night and it was absolutely adorable! As cliche as it is, it really does feel like it's just me and Cat against the world sometimes. Especially while we were in the cabin. I haven't seen a Gaser or human for 3 weeks. It has literally been just Cat and I.

But back to the hotel situation, of course, Gasers had to come and interrupt our little bunker. Peace nowadays is always too good to be true. I just wish I had more time to pack everything. They nearly got me too. Whatever, the past is the past. I should focus on finding a new place to stay. I thought I would be in Greenland by now, but obviously, that is not the case. I'm getting there though. Especially with the Nuuk transit map I found last night. I might be able to find a way to sneak on a bus. Of course, that's only if I actually get into Greenland. But, positive thinking. I've made more progress these couple of weeks than in the last few months. Things are turning around. I feel it. Just one step at a time. My next step? Finding a new place to stay at.

Looking through my notes again, I don't even know why I still have the flight routes in Greenland. It's not like I'm going to catch a plane ride anytime soon. Whatever, I'll keep it just in case. I think I'm going to transfer all my notes onto this notebook. It's so annoying having to switch tabs in order to look through them.

My next mission is to find the second half of this recording. It's important. I've managed to decipher the bits on the recording, but they don't leave any clear instructions. I need the rest of this recording.

Trip to Greenland progress:

The recording found on an old phone in a room in the fancy hotel. Unfortunately, it gets cut off.

Transcription:

This is 2 triple ‘f’ zero zero arriving at you with some news. Please welcome our hosts today Nora Ellis and Clover Quaranta. Before we being with our main discussion tonight, we would like to address all our fans from around the world how much your support means to us. We understand at difficult times like this it can be hard to find motivation and meaning in life. But we are here to support you as well. We have a website that provides a safe space to air out any struggles or thoughts. Of course, entry is free as always. We wel-

my notes:

"This is 2 triple ‘f’ zero zero arriving at you with some news."

2fff00 in the hex colour system is green

arriving is a synonym to landing

translation: Greenland

"Please welcome our hosts today Nora Ellis and Clover Quaranta."

Nora Ellis, the first letters are NE = North East

Clover = 4

Quaranta = 40

translation: North East 440 (coordinates?? meters?? feet??)

"We would like to address all our fans from around the world...we are here to support you as well"

translation: they will take in and save people no matter where they are from

"We have a website that provides a safe space to air out any struggles or thoughts"

translation: they are safe from any gasing

2. Maps of Greenland that may be important

Greenland Flight Lines

Nuuk, Greenland Bus Lines

CREDITS:

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differentkettleoffishalltogether · 3 years

Text

I’m On Fire [Chapter 1]

Summary: With her sister’s wedding fast approaching and her Mom hounding her about finding a date, Y/N makes a terrible decision that lands her and her least favorite genius in a confusing situation.

A/N: This is the first part in a series, I’ve written the first few chapters already so I’m hoping to update pretty regularly! I hope you guys enjoy, and any feedback is always appreciated! ❤️

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem Reader

Category: Fake Dating, Enemies to Lovers, (Eventual) Smut, Fluff, Angst, it’s a Slow Burn Baby

Warnings: None really for this chapter, cursing? Mean-ish Spencer

Word Count: 6.5k

Next Chapter

Series Masterlist

Masterlist

I wasn’t at the BAU long before it started to feel like home. The team became my family, pure and simple.

Having been recruited by Hotch at only 22 I'd sort of fallen into the roll of the little sister to the team without really meaning to. It's not that I was naive, or particularly sheltered even. I know I'm good at my job, and I'd want to be, given how my life's revolved around it almost entirely. But the team seemed to adopt a protective mindset over me right off the bat.

When I first joined the FBI everything was terrifying. I worked so hard for my PhD, trying to get into the unit, but there's almost nothing that can actually prepare you for the real thing. Being out in action in the field, working the cases out in real time. Sometimes they had a smooth, easy conclusion followed by loud obnoxious drinks together. Then there were the others, the ones that kept me up for days after and felt as though they owned little pieces of my heart still.

It was JJ that helped the most on those horrible flights back on the jet. Noticing my anxious ticks and uneasy disposition after that first case that had ended badly. JJ had been through it all before, taking too many cases home with her. Seeing her son's little faces in the kids that we couldn't help. If I was the baby of the team JJ was the big sister, looking out for everyone.

Morgan on the other hand was the outrageously cool older brother, the one you just wanted to be. Early on he'd helped my weak self with the ruthless fitness regimen the FBI required, he offered to pull some strings and get the test written off. But I couldn't accept that, there was something in me that just wanted to impress Morgan, and honestly still does. Like somehow if he thought you were cool, then it became true. So I passed the exam, but getting up a flight of stairs was near impossible for a week after.

Emily was probably the fun aunt. The one that would sneak you booze at the family gathering, or take you to your first concert. Emily was actually the one who'd found me, digging around colleges for potential recruits she'd had me picked out for a while I later found out. Insisting that Hotch give me a shot. It was reassuring to know I had someone who would stick up for me from day one.

I was an tech analyst, among other things, sort of a counterpart for Garcia in the field. So it was no surprise to anyone when the two of us hit it off as though we'd known each other forever. We weren't the same by any means though. Penelope was bold, and bright, and confident beyond measure, where I've typically felt like more of a blend into the background type. I've always thought of myself that way, despite my achievements. I'd also always believed I was fairly inoffensive, no one I'd met had ever had a huge problem with me, 'till I got to the BAU that is.

Every rose has its thorn I suppose.

That thorn in my side was Dr. Spencer Reid.

It wasn't that Dr. Reid was a bad agent, or even a bad person. I hadn't actually met him before that first day in the conference room, but I'd known who he was for a long time. Before I came along he'd held the mantle of 'youngest ever recruit' in the unit, while I was studying I'd read any of his work I could get my hands on because of that fact.

I figured it must've been some sort of hazing when he looked me up and down that first day I was introduced, and then proceeded to blank me entirely for a full week. Up until I'd wrapped my first case.

The whole team went straight from the jet to the bar. Proceeding to get far too drunk. Spencer joined, which the rest of the team found unusual, and I probably should've taken as a sign of things to come.

That case went well, and everyone was in high spirits but Reid had a sour disposition, at least it seemed that way every time he looked at me. After a few too many drinks I went outside in an attempt to sober up in the cold air, unfortunately Reid must've snuck outside not long before.

"Ugh" was all he said when he first caught my silhouette approaching him. The night was unusually cold so it had been deserted outside the bar that evening. I wasn't really sure why it made me nervous to be alone with him like this, the two of us leaning back against the same small area of brick wall, looking out at the cold night.

"Nice to see you too doctor" was all I could muster, I was drunk enough that I let my sarcastic tone leap out, "you can relax, I'm just trying to get some fresh air, it's too stuffy in there, and loud. I'm not here to talk to you or anything."

"Well aren't you a sensitive thing" he responds in kind, at that point I wasn't really sure if it was a coincidence or if he'd been genuinely avoiding me, but things were starting to clear up.

"I'm sensitive, that's a fun take on things" I joke, taking a long sip of cold water from my glass.

"And what's that supposed to mean, newbie?" his emphasis on the last word all but confirms my suspicions.

"Fuck man, what's your problem with me? Is it because I'm new, or because I beat your stupid record?" I quip. hoping that at the very least it might coax him out of his shell. Dr. Spencer Reid getting angry at me could honestly be better than the nothing I'd been experiencing from him until now.

"What stupid record?" he sounds genuinely confused

"I'm the youngest BAU recruit now?" I didn't know why else he could be so sour. He'd never met me before last week, and since he'd ignored me that first day I'd done all I could not to step on his toes. So if he had a reason to hate me this much, it wasn't something I'd done on purpose.

He takes a few moments to respond, raising his eyebrows and considering the information. He chuckles. He fucking chuckles.

"That's funny." he says, his voice leveling out, "I didn't peg you as funny newbie" that word sets something off in me again. Something about it is dismissive, or belittling. Before I could fight back he starts to move, maneuvering around me and heading back inside. A little too tipsy to think of anything constructive to say, I just mutter "Fuck you Spencer."

He swings open the door, as he walks inside he just says "See you Monday, Newbie" without even looking at me.

And that was only the beginning.

----

"You know I'm just trying to make sure you get enough rest sweetheart. There's no need to get so defensive!" it was far too early in the morning to be dealing with this call. Since joining the BAU a few years ago this was a standard call from my Mom. Equal parts well meaning and over-bearing, and generally asking far too many questions.

"I'm not getting defensive Mom, I get plenty of rest, my job is just very important to me and you know that." I knew she was right to be at least a little worried, this job was consuming, and in all honesty I wasn't sure how people like JJ were married and still here. It seemed like an impossible feat.

"Fine sweetie, how are your co-workers doing then? How's Penelope? Give her my love" she loved Penelope, I think she thought that Penelope tethered me to the normal world, and in a way she was right. She kept me sane, and fun, and made me eat pizza and do face masks once a week at least. Even when I didn't think I wanted to.

"Pen's great Mom, everyone's good. Well, the usual ones get on my nerves, but I'm fine." As I say it I glance across at Dr. Reid, the only person who's also in as early as I am most days. I'm not sure if he can hear me but he's tapping his pen so loud on his desk that it takes all of my energy not to walk across the bullpen and stab him with it.

"Y'know what Mom, I'm actually just after getting to work and it's a busy day so can I call you back later?" I chance, getting her off the phone is always an ordeal.

"Fine, fine, I'll let you go. But wait one last thing!"

I knew what was coming. It was always coming.

"Are you seeing anyone, Margot's been wondering too, just thought I'd check in?"

Pinching the bridge of my nose and trying not to scream down the line, I just sigh out the frustration instead.

"No Mom, believe it or not, I've made no progress on that front since you asked me all of 3 days ago."

"See you are being defensive!" she snaps

"I gotta go, bye Mom. Love you!" I say, hanging up quickly before dropping my head down into my arms on my desk, resting like that for a few moments in silence.

Hearing Garica chuckle behind my ear I perk up and spin around. She's holding a small paper cup of coffee and hands it to me. I look at it confused, "Sorry about the paper, I couldn't find your mug in the cabinet" she apologizes, looking over at Dr. Reid and rolling her eyes. Now I know he can hear me from his seat, he takes that moment to sip from my mug and place it gently back on his desk.

It hadn't taken long for him to start toying with me. It was always stupid childish things. Things I couldn't get genuinely annoyed at, that would give him far too much satisfaction, knowing he was getting to me in any real way. This was one trick he liked to play if he got into the office before me, he'd take my mug and make his coffee in it, just to spite me I guess.

"Why does he even do that, it's so stale" she said, just a little louder than normal to make sure he could hear. Garcia and Reid were still good friends and team-mates but she liked to stand up for me when she could. He liked to avoid me as much as possible so he'd usually go to Garcia before me if he needed help with something. Even when the two of us were out in the field together. Which was obnoxious but it was just another thing I'd gotten used to over time. And as long as it didn’t interfere with the case I just forced myself to let it go.

"I know it's such low grade bullying isn't it?" I shot back with a chuckle.

"So I'll take it that was Mommy dearest" Penelope gestures to my phone. She knew my Mom, and she knew about her general overbearing energy. I let out a groan thinking about the call again, and the calls that were to come.

"Isn't it always Mommy dearest?" I joke

"So she's still on your ass about the wedding then?" I'm sure Penelope was almost as sick of hearing about it as I was,

"Margot's getting married in like 4 months now, and every time Mom calls there’s just some new hometown loser she wants to set me up with Pen. It's fucking exhausting" I take a sip of the coffee she made me, savoring the bitter taste. She sits down on my desk for a moment, leaning in.

"Honey, did you ever think that if you got out there and found someone, she wouldn't be on your ass at all?" I don't want to think about that, about how she's completely right. All I can do is let out another small groan and lean back down onto my desk.

"Too early Pen" I say, it's muffled by the desk but she gets the message. Hopping up and heading to her own office as some more people start to arrive for the morning.

Leaving me alone to make a start on my paperwork that had built up throughout the week. Fridays were usually slow like this, giving me a little too much time to think. I couldn't shake the thought that my Mom and Penelope were actually right. Maybe I was a bit too invested in the job, and maybe that was a pretty big factor in why my last relationship imploded but I wasn't about to admit that to anyone.

----

After that the day crawls by, thankfully no cases pop up so the weekend might actually be free. Trying to make sure I clear up all of my paperwork takes a little longer than I'd hoped and leaves me alone in the bullpen. It seems like everyone's gone home by the time I've packed up and I'm ready to leave. Which wasn't as out of the ordinary as I'd like it to be really. Everyone else seemed to have somewhere to be on a Friday night.

Waiting for the elevator to arrive my phone started to ring, I could see my Mom's caller ID on the screen. If I just let it go I know she'll call back later, may as well get it out of the way. I take a deep breath in anticipation before I answer.

"Hey what's up?" I answer, stepping inside the elevator as the doors ping open.

"Hi sweetie, I've got good news! Do you remember David? That lovely boy, he helped out your Father that summer in high school?" I know what's coming and rub my temple, trying to stifle the headache I know is coming. As I answer a hand slides between the elevator doors, popping them open again.

Dr. Fucking Reid walks in, and he looks about as happy to see me as I am to see him. I make eye contact and look away just as fast, willing him away with my mind. "Yes Mom, I remember him, why are you telling me this?" I already know the answer but I'm fed up, she still sounds excited when she responds.

"Well you won't believe it! I ran into him at the market this morning and I thought you'd like it if I passed on your phone number to him, maybe for the weddi-" it took all I had not to shout into the receiver, and maybe I would've had the elevator been empty.

"Mom! Jesus!" I have to reign myself in, but I have a bad idea, "You know what, I'm actually sorted. I've got a date lined up now" I'm not sure why I said it with no real plan in place. She sounds even more excited than I've ever heard her.

"Oh my, that's amazing sweetie! That was fast, I can't believe you found one since this morning, it's someone from work so?" she assumes, and I'm just not thinking fast enough to correct her.

"Mmhmm, yeah" I'll figure out the logistics later I rationalize.

"Oh! Is it that boy you're always on about, the one who teases you?" she asks, and her voice is full of joy, and it makes me feel horrible that I'm lying already, and that I'm going to let her down.

"Yup, that's the one, look Mom I gotta go, I'll talk to you later! Night" I blurt out so fast it has to be obvious I'm nervous.

I can hear a stifled chuckle behind me. Fuck. How loud is my phone speaker. Could he hear that. Surely not. But this elevator was completely silent. The doors open and I have to stop myself from running to my car at top speed. Instead I walk out just a little faster than normal, turning around to shoot him a small wave goodbye. And he's got this devious smirk on his face that makes my stomach turn.

Sitting into my car I pull out my phone to text Garcia immediately.

I'm on my way to yours right now. It's urgent.

——

Traffic's light so it takes maybe 10 minutes before I arrive at Garcia's place. My mind's racing and my body takes me there on autopilot. Why did I say any of that, why did I even answer the damn phone. Why did I wave goodbye to Spencer, I never usually did that. Maybe that's why he had that look on his face. Maybe he was just thinking of something funny that happened earlier and it had nothing to do with me at all. That was something he'd do to mess with me for sure.

How was I going to walk this back with my Mom, she was just gonna have more questions that I couldn't answer. Fuck.

Garcia buzzed me up and her door was open for me by the time I got up the stairs. This little purple apartment had become my second home. It was where I spent most of my evenings off, laughing on the same sofa I was collapsing face first into right now. Garcia nestles in beside me and runs her hand over my hair, "Hey sweet pea, what's happening? I don't want to sound too concerned but you're not giving me much to go off? Are you dying, is there drama? You're going to have to tell me what's so urgent before I burst a blood vessel?"

I let out a muffled, "is drahmuh" into the pillow, Garcia shakes my shoulders.

"Sit up babe, damn!" I have to heave myself out of the pillows, sitting upright on the sofa beside her, clutching one of the pillows in my arms.

"It's drama" I repeat,

"Well, out with it then, you know I'll take all the drama I can get! Spill, spill" she rushes me along. I'm already apprehensive, Reid's her coworker too, but if anyone would understand why this was such an issue it was gonna be her.

"Okay, I'm after doing something stupid and I think I really need your advice" I cringe already, thinking back to the elevator, throwing out my words faster, I continue the story, mostly trying to get it over with, "my Mom called again when I was on the way out tonight and she was trying to set me up with this guy, and Reid was there, and I got all flustered, and I told her I had a date already" I throw my head down into the pillow again.

"Wait why was Reid there?" she looks like she's trying to fit puzzle pieces together and she's getting nowhere, "And what's the drama?"

"Shit Garcia, it was in the elevator and it was all quiet, and maybe he heard the call, maybe he didn't but he had this fuckin' look on his stupid face" I can't shake the smug little smirk, it's burned inside my eyelids. Garcia's face falls in what looks like disappointment.

"Ugh Y/N! That's nothing chill out, why does it matter if he heard your call? I know you guys are all weird but none of that is any of his business anyway!" she shoo's her hand in the air, dismissing the whole situation.

"No Garcia, it is his business now" I have to close my eyes when I say it, I can't look at her "I told my Mom that he was my date, well, I didn't say his name or anything, she assumed it was someone from work and so I just agreed, and then she suggested that it was him and then I fucking panicked Pen, I fucked up so bad. What do I do?"

I finally opened my eyes to look up at Garcia. She was sitting in pure silence, pursing her lips in what seemed like contemplation. The puzzle pieces finally slotting together. It's as though a light bulb goes off behind her eyes and she bursts out in fits of laughter. Doubling over on herself before finally taking a few breaths to calm herself down. I'm honestly not sure why she finds the whole thing so funny, she know's how needlessly annoying he's made my life, she's seen it first hand and heard me talk about it over and over again in this very apartment over pizza.

"Garcia, this is not fucking funny! This is serious!" I try to calm her down, I need advice not whatever this is.

"I'm so sorry Y/N, I love you dearly. But this isn't funny, this is hilarious. It's like you're Sandra Bullock in some mid-90's rom com. I love it" I don't love it, in fact I hate it. I nearly snap at her but pull myself back.

"Pen, come on, help me out. What do I do with this, how do I fix it?" I plead.

She stops laughing and pulls out her phone, "Okay, I'm sorry. I'm going to order us a pizza, and we're gonna sort this thing out together, sound good?" I just nod and collapse back into the sofa. I think I feel better now that I've gotten it out in the open.

----

Penelope makes us tea while we wait for the pizza, she keeps lemon & ginger in her cabinet for me, just like I keep mint for her. The warm mug and the steam calm me down. After a few minutes alone to think about it I start to figure it out a little better. I figure I can just lie to my Mom for a while, it might suck but I can pretend for a bit and then make up some excuse as to why he can't come closer to the time. Then I can just bring Garcia instead and everyone's happy. I'm about to float my plan to her there's a knock on her door. I was so caught up that I hadn't really noticed quite how starving I'd gotten. Leaping up of the sofa to grab the door.

I swing it open but it's not the pizza guy. Somehow it's the opposite of the pizza guy, my worst nightmare is on the other side of the door. He must notice my eyes blow completely wide. "Y/N!" he says, more of a statement than a question really, like he's telling himself that he's actually seeing me in the doorway. I'm not as gentle.

"What the fuck are you doing here Reid?!" I can't even disguise my anger. He seems a little flustered, like he's got absolutely no idea how to proceed.

"Um, uh, is Garcia here? I can, um, I can just come back later?" he swallows hard and shakes his head, before I can agree and tell him to get lost Penelope races to the door, pulling it wide open.

"Nope, that won't be necessary Doctor! Come on in, you're right on time sweetheart" she waves him in and he walks past me, his demeanor changing almost instantly. He's smug, like he's won whatever battle this was. And I hate it. Though he's still as confused as me despite the newfound attitude. Reid sits down on the sofa, right where I had been sitting. I bite my tongue and sit on the opposite end.

"Are you okay Garcia?" he asks with a genuine concern, "What's going on, what was the emergency?". He's not stupid, he knows she's not in danger now that he's here. But he wants answers. I don't know that I've ever seen him this confrontational with anyone, well anyone but me. The entire time I’m staring her down as she sits in the armchair opposite the two of us. My keys are in my pocket and my car's right outside. I could just jump up and make a break for it. Escape.

"You know what Doc, you won't believe it but I'm not actually the one with the emergency" she takes a beat, and I'm starting to think that I might understand why people murder other people after all these years, "Y/N has something urgent she needs to talk to you about" she's silent for another moment, and she almost looks giddy, "Actually Spencer, you might already know a little something about the matter already, now that I think about it" she smirks, and it's pure joy.

My keys are in my hand ready to bolt when the doorbell chimes again. "Oh, that'll actually be the pizza this time, if you two will excuse me" she hops up out of the armchair and races to the door, leaving the two of us alone in a horrible silence. The tension is almost too much, I want to speak but I really have no idea what to say, or how to even start saying it. But he starts.

"Y/N what's going on, I feel like I'm out of the loop here? What am I missing?" he asks, and there's something uncharacteristically genuine about the way he says it, but he can't turn to look at me as he speaks. I almost want to let my guard down and just have a conversation but I can’t force myself to do it. "Shut up Reid." is all I mutter, folding my arms across my chest.

He turns sharply on the sofa to face me. "Hey Y/N. Believe it or not I'm about as happy as you with whatever kind of Parent Trap situation Garcia's got going on here. But from what I'm picking up on you've got a problem and I'm supposed to be able to help with it. So do you want to tell me what's going on or not? I can just go?" I can see that there's an anger bubbling right below the surface, threatening to burst. I know I shouldn't but I let him stew in silence for a little too long and he jumps up off the sofa.

"Y'know what, typical" he mutters, rolling his eyes as he says it, "this is all about you." he throws his bag over his shoulders and begins to walk towards the door. Something in me just snaps.

"All about me?! Are you fucking kidding? I've been tip-toeing around you for years, ever since I joined this damn unit!" I shout as Garcia comes back into the room, pizza box and plates in her hands.

"So, who's hungry?" Garcia asks, trying to break the tension, or pretending there's no tension at all. Reid shakes his head in disbelief and rubs his temple before he speaks again, "Actually I was just gonna head out" he gestures to the door, "I'm clearly not wanted here so I'm gonna leave you guys to it." Spencer makes a move to leave but Garcia grabs the strap of his shoulder bag, yanking him back ever so slightly before he really has the chance to escape.

"You are going absolutely nowhere kid" She points back to the sofa, "get back there" she glances to me, staring with far too much intensity. "You too, sit." Her voice is more stern than I've ever heard it, even while we were on a case. I can't help but obey her command and I sit back down on the sofa in silence. Followed by Reid, clearly processing the same uneasy feeling of a serious Penelope.

She sits opposite the two of us again. "Y/N, Spencer, I love the two of you with all of my heart, albeit separately, and I would die for either one of you. But you've got to chill the hell out!" she says it like she's had it bottled up forever. The tension that releases from her as she says it looks euphoric.

She opens up the pizza box and lays it on the coffee table and takes out a slice for herself. Taking a bite she leaves the two of us in stunned silence. Once she finishes the mouthful she turns to me specifically, "Y/N you tell him, or I will." dead serious. And the feeling in my belly is like I've just fallen down an elevator shaft.

My stomach is in knots as I turn to Spencer on the sofa next to me. His face is puzzled and I think I might be able to make out pure terror in his expression. I don't know that I've ever been looked at like this before and my stomach screws up tighter. I have to take a deep breath and I can't believe I'm about to say it. "Fuck it" I have to take another breath almost immediately so I just have to force the rest out, "I don't know if you heard the call I was on while we were in the elevator earlier?" I look up to gauge his reaction and I can see his face relax, and worse than that, one corner of his mouth lifts into a sort of smile. It's a look of pure smug satisfaction and I think I might scream. I have to close my eyes because I really don't think I can look at that face as I say the next part.

"My sister is getting married in a few months and my Mom's been on my ass to find a date for the wedding and she keeps trying to set me up with these losers, so I fucking panicked, and I told her you were my date." by the time the sentence is out my eyes have screwed up so tight it feels like I have to pry them open.

He sits in silence for too long. Thinking, maybe?

"So I'm the boy who teases you then?" he grins. So he did hear. And he did laugh. He looks far too self satisfied. Now he knows he's right. He knows I've talked to my Mom about him, that he's gotten in my head. I can tell from his smile that he's savoring the moment. Mostly because I can't slap the smug smile off his face I drop my head into my hands. In an effort to disappear I guess.

"So," he says, taking a moment, "is that all you wanted to say then?" he asks, lighthearted and obnoxious, back to his usual self. I snap back to reality, shooting my head back up.

"What do you mean is that all?" I throw back genuinely shocked,

"Is that all you had to say Y/N? Can I go now? It's a long bus ride home y'know" he smirks but makes no effort to move. He can't possibly be making me do this.

"Well no, obviously!" I stutter, "I mean, are you, will you, uh?" I can't bring myself to say it out loud. He leans in on the sofa looking directly at me, refusing to break eye contact.

"Did you have something you wanted to ask me Y/N?" I just want to smack that fucking look off his face,

"Fuck you Spencer Reid" I almost whisper under my breath, but Garcia snaps me back to reality.

"Hey!" she looks at me, stern again, "Ask him." it's not a question, or a suggestion, it's a command.

"Fine okay" I scrunch my eyes up again, "Will you come to my sisters wedding with me as my fake boyfriend?" I curl up into myself as I say it, I can almost feel the bile rising up from my stomach. Like I'm having a biological reaction to the whole thing.

Reid crosses his arms and sinks back on the sofa, like he's performing the act of thinking. He's considering my offer to make me squirm.

When he finally speaks he says "Well I would Y/N, but I really fail to see what's in it for me" he's after getting cocky now.

Garcia pipes up, excited, "Oh, Oh! I know! I have an idea!" she interjects, "Spencer remember how a while ago, back after your apartment flooded you were all all worried about your antique books and prints and stuff?" he nods, "Well Y/N could digitize the collection for you as a back up? I know you're a technophobe? C'mon Y/N, you know you could do that no sweat, and it would take you a lifetime alone Spencer?" I really don't want to admit it but she's right. Even I knew Reid was adverse to any technology that wasn't vital, but it was your specialty. And maybe that was a good trade off, a job like that would be near impossible for him to pull off without help. I take a glance over at Reid and he seems to have had the same train of thought as me. He lets out an exaggerated sigh and relaxes his posture.

"Fine, I guess that's a fair trade. I'm in." he resigns and I almost can't believe it. I'm barely processing the whole conversation as he sticks his hand out to me, I'm confused for a second before I grab it and shake it firmly. Condemning myself to whatever's about to happen. And it's not the time to be thinking about it but maybe this is the first time Spencer and I have ever touched? But I shove that thought away.

Garcia's positively beaming and she's not even trying to hide it. "Now it's like you're both in a Sandra Bullock movie, oh, but you're Hugh Grant maybe?" she points to Reid.

"Don't push it" I shoot in her direction, taking a slice of pizza, now that my anxiety stomach has sort of passed.

Once the pizza's been eaten in near completely awkward silence Spencer stands up off the sofa. His unsure demeanor has returned and he looks nervous. "I actually should get going this time" he says but Garcia pipes up to protest,

"No, it's not even late!"

"It takes me a while to get back home, thank you though Pen. For... this?" he gestures to the whole living room, "Night" he waves. He's almost made it to the door before I stand up out of my seat. I'm not really sure what comes over me, maybe it's gratitude, maybe it's guilt, or maybe I'm just exhausted.

"Wait Spencer. Let me give you a ride home?" I ask and it's like it's not even me saying it .

"Thanks, but I think I can make it home just fine" he dismisses, and there’s an antagonizing tone in his voice that snaps me right back to our usual rapport.

"I'm trying to do a nice thing here, fuck! Just let me do something nice!" I snap, and he throws his arms up in surrender.

"Fine alright, if it'll make you feel better"

"Fuck you Reid" I mutter under my breath and I sort of hope that he does hear me really. If he's gonna be hostile about this I can be too. I give Garcia a hug goodbye but I'm going to scold her for this whole thing later.

----

I lead the way outside and climb into my car, Spencer hops into the passenger seat and it feels as strange as always to be alone with him. Especially because it's not an accident, and it's not in work. Maybe this was a horrible idea. He seems like he's unwilling to break the silence, so I just get it over with.

"Where the hell do you live man? I'm gonna need directions." I say, as deadpan as I can muster, which probably isn't all that intimidating.

"Sorry, yeah, so you're gonna want to turn on the ignition" he teases. I definitely wasn't intimidating enough.

"Don't push it" I say, turning to give him a cruel stare, he just reacts with a smirk, that same one from the elevator earlier.

"Oh, I'm pushing it?" he asks, feigning disbelief

"I'll kick you out of this damn car" is all I can think to say. He barely responds, he just lets out a soft chuckle. I want to ask 'what's so funny' but he speaks before I can get the words out.

"I can't believe you talk to your Mom about me" he continues to laugh. That's enough.

"You know what Reid, of course I have! I work with actual murderers on a daily basis and somehow you've been the only real source of friction in my life since I joined the BAU!" He stops giggling a little, but not entirely, he looks like he's making an effort to contain himself.

"I'm sorry. I guess I just never knew I got to you like that" he still finds the whole thing amusing, but I sure as hell don't.

"Directions, now" I demand, looking straight out the front windshield.

"Fine, keep going straight on this road for a while and I'll tell you when to turn" he says, finally playing nice.

The two of us drive silently for most of the journey, the radio playing softly in the background. Eventually we arrive outside his building, and it's nicer than I thought it would be. But I have no idea what I was really basing that on. For some reason it hadn't occurred to me that Dr. Reid lived in an actual home, I had pictured him sleeping upside down in a cave maybe, or in a cryogenic chamber with all the other life-like genius robots.

"So," he says, breaking the silence, "When is this wedding?"

"4 months from now, in and around" I respond, matter of factly. Spencer nods, taking it in.

"Alright, so I've got 4 months, in and around, to learn enough to convincingly pass as your loving boyfriend. Doesn't sound so difficult." he jokes, his tone harsh and sarcastic.

"Look Spencer, I know this is insane and honestly kind of stupid. But in all seriousness, you can back out right now if you're not on board with whatever this is. I'm telling you this is the last exit ramp." I try to say it with sincerity, giving him a genuine out if he's not comfortable with the weird set-up that Penelope pulled on us both. He thinks on it for a moment and shakes his head.

"So how are we gonna do this?" he asks, and I really thought he was going to back out. So I don't have an actual answer.

"Well, I uh, I haven't really given a plan much thought. How about I come over and start working on some of the stuff you want digitized like Garcia mentioned and I can use the time to give you the footnotes on my life?" I suggest, at least that would make it easier to knock things out all at once. Rather than having to spend even more of my free time with Reid than necessary. He looks content with the improvised plan.

"Alright, sounds good." he undoes his seatbelt and opens the door to hop out of the car before turning back to me, "Are you coming inside or what?"

— —

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personasintro · 4 years

Text

My Tiny Secret | 20; First Steps

𝑴𝒚 𝑻𝒊𝒏𝒚 𝑺𝒆𝒄𝒓𝒆𝒕 𝒅𝒓𝒂𝒃𝒃𝒍𝒆 | 20; First Steps

⏤𝒔𝒚𝒏𝒐𝒑𝒔𝒊𝒔; Pretty face doesn’t make it up for an ugly personality. And Kim Seokjin is the perfect proof of that.

⏤𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈: seokjin x reader

⏤𝒈𝒆𝒏𝒓𝒆: angst, smut, fluff, mistress au, unexpected pregnancy au

⏤𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔: strong language, mature content

⏤> 𝒇𝒊𝒄 𝒊𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒙

The birds' chirping creates a calm melody, outstanding the sounds of kids laughing and crying that reach your ears. Even the blanket underneath your legs feels soft, softer than usual and you wonder if it's made from one of those expensive materials. Surprisingly, Seokjin was the one who packed everything and you left him to it.

It's nice to see him doing such a normal stuff, especially if it's related to you and your son.

“It seems busier than last week.” His voice resounds, your eyes snapping to him as his legs are spread out with arms holding him in a relaxed position. Those black locks that got longer are thrown back, making his forehead on full display along with his thick brows.

He looks so relaxed, wearing a white casual shirt with jean shorts, something you should've got used to by now, but you still find yourself occasionally stare at him.

You're not even sure how, but your Saturdays have been spent in a park nearby your apartment building for the last couple of weeks. You often went alone, making sure you're not stuck in your apartment all day, sometimes Hoseok tagged along with you as well. Surprisingly, Seokjin comes every Saturday without even making any official plans with you, knowing he's about to spend the whole day with you. Well, with Yoojin.

It became a silent routine.

“It does,” you hum, eyes trailed on Yoojin who crawls up to the tree you're sitting underneath. It creates a perfect shadow in this warm weather. “He's so active these days.” you say as you already panic when he starts to standing up, holding the tree with his small hands.

He can stand for a long time now, but he's too careful to hold onto something and not let go. Yoojin's puckered lips stretch into a huge smile, proudly showing himself to his parents as you clap in praise, not holding a smile back. He grew up so fast, you can't believe how many things have changed since he was born.

Seokjin comes to visit more often, he even sleeps on the couch sometimes since the guest room is slowly renovating to Yoojin's new bedroom. You both went shopping together and bought him a new crib, along with a few different decorations and furniture. The memory of the two of you walking with Yoojin in his stroller seems weird, but nice and comfortable. For the first time, it felt like you're a real family, spending some time together.

He's an intelligent man managing a successful company on his own, with no help whatsoever, however building a crib isn't his strong suit. Stubbornly, he insisted on being the one who makes Yoojin's bedroom for him. You've never seen him being so passionate about something, so you let him. Even if it took him a month, but you silently enjoyed every day he came after work struggling in that room, ending sleeping on the couch.

It feels nice to have him there. He's more open, casually talking with you about your day, but mainly has his focus on Yoojin.

You've met his friend – Kim Namjoon. As you've learned, he accidentally found out about his best friend having a child, thinking it's all gossip. But when he burst into Seokjin's office with a single question if he has a kid and his friend didn't deny it, he knew those gossips were true.

According to Seokjin's words, he bugged him about wanting to meet Yoojin for a whole week, until he had no choice but to say 'yes'. Before Namjoon came to your apartment, Seokjin made sure you're okay with the visit of his friend, the same thing he did when his father came to visit for the first time.

You didn't have any reason to say no, Yoojin is his son as well. A part of you wanted to meet his friend anyway, which happened to be a very polite and kind man. It made you shocked that he has such a nice friend, you were expecting someone similar to his personality. The visit was far more enjoyable than that time when Mr. Kim visited. You even saw Seokjin to crack a few smiles and chuckles, not the dark ones you're used to, but honest and happy ones.

“He's Kim,” he points out proudly, smiling at Yoojin who grins back at his father, still holding to the tree. “He has your smile.” he comments, your head snapping to him before you look at Yoojin.

“Really?” you cock your head to the side, trying to find your similarity in your son.

He's a mixture of you both, although he definitely takes after Seokjin's side more. You're not mad at it, his father is handsome, there's no lie in that.

“Yeah,” he hums, his phone vibrating inside of his pocket as he pulls it out.

You see his wife's name on the display, but he just locks the phone and ignores the call.

“You can speak to her, y'know...” you mumble, watching your son instead as he squats down to admire dandelions.

“I know,” he assures you lightly, “I don't want to.” he admits and you don't let a surprise to be known on your face.

The conversation dies there, both of you watching your son as a way to distract yourselves, that's until Seokjin opens his mouth again.

“I'll divorce her,” he informs you, his tone firm as his hardening features. “For Yoojin.” he adds, glancing at your son that touches the top of dandelion and giggles when it bounces.

“That's nice of you,” you tell him softly, heart warming at the progress he's made. “But, are you sure? Is that what you want?”

You don't mean to doubt his decision, nor you feel some kind of triumph that he wants to divorce his wife. It was never a competition for you and you feel sorry for the woman, whether she's a bad person or not. You're not the one to talk, nor is Seokjin. All of you made mistakes along the way that got you where you are right now.

“I thought about what my father said,” he confesses, your mind drifting to that time he told you what he and his father talked about. It took his some time to open up, but when he finally did, you couldn't be more proud of him. “I think he's right. Besides, I don't see any future with her.”

“If that's what you really want, I'm on your side.”

Seokjin catches the smile you give him, eyes glinting with honesty and his heart does a weird twist at seeing you like that. You're wearing a yellow sundress, youth and happiness radiating from you and he wonders what's the reason behind your happiness. Is he a part of it too? Is someone else behind it?

“Thank you,” he says, tone sounding almost unsure of what to say, and you giggle when you see the puzzled look. “I don't know how she will take it, knowing her she'll throw a fuss. She seems to be furious whenever I come back to the house. I think I'll leave the house to her, maybe she'll be less furious when I break the news to her.”

It seems like he's thinking out loud more to himself, than telling you all this stuff, but you appreciate it nevertheless. It's weird hearing him saying house instead of home.

“I can still pay for the rent, I've got my maternity leave every month,” you suggest, ignoring the raise of his brow. “I don't need your money, Seokjin.”

“Debatable.” he mutters, causing your brows to twitch in irritation.

“No, I don't need it. I'm thankful for everything you're doing for us, but I don't need your money.”

Sighing, he scratches his chin as he looks at you. “I'm sorry,” he apologizes, your mouth falling open but you stay quiet. “Let me do this for you. And Yoojin.”

“I am, but I don't want you to think I need your money. Yes, you make our lives easier but I'm not your wife. I thought you knew that.” Your voice fades away, but the disappointment in it stays as Seokjin groans underneath his breath.

“Shit, I know that,” he curses, voice thick with regret. “I'm not good with words. I've never done this before and I've never met someone who didn't try to fuck me over. It's hard for me to trust someone and you're the first person-- I'm sorry. I know you don't need my money, you made that clear from the day one.”

Nibbling on your bottom lip, you let it go before you give him a soft smile. Confusion is clear on his face, probably thinking you were about to curse at him but he's just met with your smile.

“What?”

“Hm, nothing,” you hum, causing him to roll his eyes in annoyance. Well, some things haven't changed. “I just.. thank you for being so open, I think. It makes me understand you better.” you tell him honestly, seeing him look away as he plays with the grass next to him.

Is he blushing?

When he looks back at you, his eyes trail somewhere behind you before his eyes widen. You follow his vision, eyes mimicking Seokjin's expression as you see your son standing, without holding himself. He giggles and stumbles, but still doesn't reach for the tree next to him.

“Oh my god, he's standing!” you chant, clapping like a crazy woman which makes your son giggle.

“Where's my phone?” you hear Seokjin mutter, before he's snapping a few pictures of your son.

“Come here, pumpkin. You can do it, come here!” you call to him, arms outstretching as you silently call him to your embrace.

He frowns, complementing on what to do but when you clap again and call for him, he smiles. He takes a step forward, and you push the squeal that wants to rip out of your throat away, not wanting to scare him as he slowly starts walking towards you. He's wobbling, his chubby legs barely holding his balance, but he doesn't fall this time. From the corner of your eyes, you see Seokjin pointing his phone to Yoojin, recording this moment with a huge smile plastered on his lips.

“Come to mommy!” you call for him, giggling when he's almost in your embrace, loosing his balance but you're quick to catch him, causing him to giggle. “Good job!” you praise him, kissing his cheeks as you hug him closer to you.

You've never felt so proud, like this very moment. Seokjin's eyes are filled with a rare emotion, something you've never seen on his face and you wish you could snap a picture of him right now. He reaches towards you, caressing Yoojin's back as he gives him a set of praise words.

“Go to daddy,” you tell him, making sure your son is standing as he stares at his father.

He moves away, crossing his legs as he outstretches his arms the same way you did. He's smiling, eyes glistening as he wonders if his son will walk into his arms like he did to you.

“Yoojin-ah, come on. Come here.” he calls out to him, your eyes watering when he starts taking a few steps to his father, grinning at him as Seokjin starts to scream in encouragement causing you to laugh.

You've never heard him being so loud, full of joy and you pull out your phone, taking a lot of pictures as he picks up your son, bouncing him in his arms as he starts kissing his face repeatedly. It makes your son erupt into a fit of laughter, his bubbly laugh outstanding from other children's ones while you're wiping your tears, too stubborn to look away, savoring this moment.

[9:23pm] hobi: wait... he looks... happy???

The message makes you giggle, covering your mouth with the blanket before your fingers work their way onto the screen. You've sent him the video of Yoojin walking, along with the pictures you managed to snap of Seokjin kissing him.

[9:24pm] he does, i've never seen him look so happy

[9:24pm] hobi: that's good, right? is he treating you okay?

He never fails to ask the same question every time the two of you talk, but you know he's just looking out for you. And besides, today was nothing but great.

[9:25pm] yeah, he's really trying hobi

He sends you a couple of emojis of confetti, clapping hands and fireworks which makes you snort. Your giggling is interrupted with a soft knock on your bedroom door. Knowing it's Seokjin, you call out a gentle 'come in' before he opens the door. His head is the first thing that appears, as he cutely looks around noticing Yoojin's crib where he's sleeping.

He was supposed to sleep in his new crib, but he somehow didn't want to let go of you, even though he fell asleep almost immediately.

“Can I come in?” he asks you, cautiously staring at you and catching a glimpse of your exposed legs.

Slowly, you sit up and nod in response. He tries to be quiet, making his way towards the crib to check on Yoojin before he sits next to you. The fresh scent of his shower gel that he brought one day to your home lingers on his skin, his hair slightly dampened after he took a shower. He's wearing a loose shirt and some sweatpants, to stay decent. You know he likes to sleep naked most of the time, or at least that's what you always thought after he fell asleep a few times in your bed – back in the time when you messed around. He always made sure to leave after you both had sex, but there were times when he had a couple of drinks and stayed the night. But you never felt the warmth of him the next morning, no sight of him.

“He fell asleep right away. I think we tired him out.” you whisper, pointing at your son's crib as he chuckles.

“He had an eventful day.” he comments, his voice gentle and quiet not to wake him up.

He's right. After you both packed your stuff and put it into the truck of Seokjin's car, you went to eat ice cream and walked around for a few minutes, before it was time to go back home. Seokjin took a bath with Yoojin, playing with him in the water and you left them there, and cooked dinner.

“Can't sleep?” you ask quietly, making out his features thanks to the moon and opened blinds.

“Yeah,” he mutters. “Can you? I heard you giggling.”

“Oh, it was just something Hobi sent me,” you wave your hand, silently watching him in the darkness.

Luckily, Hoseok visited you more often, even when Seokjin was present and even though the atmosphere is awkward most of the time, at least they don't want to rip each other heads anymore.

“Thank you for taking us out today, Yoojin was so happy.” You feel the need to tell him that.

He's not a kid who needs to get praised at every single good thing he does, yet you want to show him your gratitude. He's been involved in Yoojin's and your life more with each passing month. Maybe it's weird but you feel like a family. You raise him together, even though Seokjin officially doesn't live with you, but he's spending most of his time with you. This actually works nicely, way better than you've ever imagined.

And the littlest smile that ghosts his lips whenever you show him your gratitude doesn't go unnoticed, even though he tries to hide it. It's the same one that's hidden by the darkness in your bedroom.

“Were you?” he asks, head tilting towards you, although you can't see his eyes clearly.

“Huh?

“Happy,” he whispers, “Were you happy?”

You're taken back by his question. Does he really care about your happiness? You can't believe your own ears. You knew he's not such a bad guy as he makes himself out to be – hence all the gestures he's done for you, like sending you money and making sure you live in a nice place. There are a lot of things he's done, nice things that made you even more confused by him. But he's never been so straight forward. Until these recent days.

“Yes,” you answer him, “Were you happy?” you ask him back, watching his broad shoulders as he stays quiet for a moment.

“Yes.” he whispers, turning to you and you automatically smile at him, not even sure if he can properly see you.

“I'm glad, I don't think I've ever seen you happy.” you admit, wondering if you're pushing his buttons too much.

“I don't really show emotions but I don't think I've ever been happy. I kind of just... lived.”

The lamp that slowly creates in your throat makes you painfully swallow, your heart shivering of sadness from hearing those words. He says it lightly, although the meaning behind it is sad. You put your hand on his back, caressing his tensed muscles as you scoot closer to him. He's warm, inviting almost and you hate yourself for craving his touch.

“Are you happy now?” you hesitate to ask, but relax when he doesn't seem too tensed from your question.

Slowly, he turns around, your hand falling off his back as he stares at you. It's hard to see his eyes, but you know he's looking at you. He reaches towards your face, caressing your soft skin as his thumb swipes across your lips. Your breath hitches but you don't dare to look away or flinch, it feels too good to do that.

“I'd like to think that I am.” he answers.

It's something about the tone and the way he says it, making it sound painful yet smooth and joyful. He's a one big mystery you were always trying to solve, but if he's not the one opening himself to you, it's pointless. But you see it now. So many things have changed and you get to know a new side of him, each layer he has, almost every day.

You don't know who moves the first, maybe the both of you at the same time, as your lips crashes together in a soft and slow manner. It's been so long since you've felt those lips against your own, enjoying how perfect they feel. As expected, he takes over the kiss, leading you the entire time as you adjust to his pace. It should be embarrassing how quick he has you squirming in your spot and groaning into the kiss, whenever he pulls onto your bottom lip. He cups your face for the better measure, while the other one holds your neck and fuck, how amazing it feels.

Even when your back meets the softness of your mattress, and your neck Seokjin's lips, you know you're utterly fucked. He hovers over you, kissing every sensitive spot which makes you giddy over the fact, he still remembers what makes you moan and clench around nothing.

His thigh is settled between your legs, and when he lightly nibbles onto your weak spot with his teeth, you automatically grind against him. He shushes your moans with his mouth, leaving your mouths connected before has to pull away after a couple of seconds.

“Jin,” you plead, arms hooked around his neck as you pull him closer.

The chuckle that leaves his mouth is shushed, but very audible to your ears as he nudges your nose with his own. “What do you want?”

Of course, he knows what you want from him. He just likes you to say it, even beg for it.

“You,” you whisper, arms traveling down his broad shoulders making its way to his defined chest and abs. “I want you.”

“Is that so?” he hums, nudging your cheekbone with his nose this time. “Are you sure?” he asks when he receives a few set of nods in response.

Your hand trails down, cupping him through his sweatpants, surprised when it's the only clothing separating his length and your hand. What shocks you the most, is the obvious erection poking underneath the thin material and how just the feel of it makes you aroused.

“Naughty,” he comments, pushing away the groan that wants to escape past his lips, clenching his jaw when you stroke him. He sits back on his knees, motioning for you to sit up and you obey, letting him taking off your loose shirt.

Now that you think about it, it seems like it's one of Seokjin's shirts he forgot here. If he noticed such a little detail, he doesn't comment it and softly lays you back down. You bite onto your lips, feeling his palm against your breast, groping the soft flesh.

“So big,” he hums, noticing how bigger they seem and feel ever since you got pregnant. Surprisingly, he leans against your chest, sucking on your nipple as he licks it a few times.

Your palm slaps against your mouth, silencing all those moans and soft groans. He does the same thing to the other breast, coating it with his saliva as he trails down onto your stomach, kissing and licking your skin.

You haven't thought about having sex for a long time, there was never a proper time to think about such thing. You've spent all your time taking care of Yoojin, that the thought of another man and your intimate life was the least of your worries. There were times your hormones would act up, and you craved for someone else's touch. Your mind often drifted to the man that's enveloping your body with his mouth, no matter how many times you've reminded yourself that he's not right for you.

You were so busy trying to be the best mother you could be, that you never really thought about having sex after nine months you gave birth. You got in shape, although your body is not what it used to be. Your breasts got bigger and you still got some fat on your stomach and thighs. And for this very time, you're lucky there's a darkness in the room and Seokjin can't tell all the stretchmarks that failed to disappear.

His hand disappears between your thighs, chuckling when he notes you've no underwear. “Naughty girl.” he chuckles, circling your opening teasingly as you bite onto your lower lip.

It hurts, but you've to keep your mouth shut if you don't want to wake up your son.

“Can you...” he trails off, your mind clouded with lust before you realize what he's asking.

“Yeah.” you answer, giving him the green light as he slowly pushes a one finger inside of you.

It feels weird, almost as if it's the first time you ever experienced this particular touch. Although, it doesn't take you too long to get used to it, hips bucking into his hand as you plead him for more. Surprisingly, he doesn't insist on begging, listening to you as he watches your body squirm in pleasure. He pumps his fingers inside and out, grazing your walls before he scissors them, penetrating you.

“Fuck, you got so tight.” he groans, pumping his fingers before he kisses you.

He barely used to do that. He barely kissed you during sex, and if he did, it was always harsh and rushed. This seems to be slow, but intense at the same time.

You've heard so much stuff of women getting even tighter after they gave birth. You weren't sure if that's true but if Seokjin can tell a difference and he's telling the truth, you guess all those articles were right. Woman's body is something amazing. It goes to its original state even after bringing a human into the world.

He adds another, silently shushing you when you whimper.

“I know, gotta stretch you out,” he whispers, pushing onto your clit with his thumb while his fingers continue to fill you up. “Have you had sex after you gave birth?”

There's a possibility he feels unsure, but he doesn't stop and continues with his movements as if he's not asking you such an intimate question.

Would he be angry if you said yes?

Would he become possessive all over again?

“No,” you whisper, clutching the sheets between your fingers. “You're my first.” you tell him, and you wish you could see his reaction more clearly. This way it seems he barely reacted, although he goes down to bite onto your collarbone which leaves you gasping.

You clutch his shoulders, frowning when he's still fully clothed. “And you?”

“You mean, if I had sex after giving birth?” he snorts, causing you to roll your eyes at him before you groan both in annoyance and pleasure.

“You know what I mean.”

“Then the answer is no,” he tells you, mouth pressed against your ear, so you can hear him clearly. “I haven't had sex with anyone else.”

“That's hard to believe.” you choke out, when he adds his fourth fingers making you breathe through it with a scrunched face.

He gives you the time to adjust, halting his movements. “I didn't. Believe it or not, I've found it hard to find someone else. Not that I was really looking for someone.”

It's the honesty that makes you pause, your heart hammering even faster and you wonder if he can feel it too with his chest pressed against your own. Before you can question him, your curiosity getting the best of you, he's already pumping his fingers again. Deciding you want to feel him, you hook your fingers underneath the hem of his sweatpants, hand disappearing into them as you finally grab him. He groans, surprised by your bolt move, as you slowly pump him.

You were right. He's not wearing any underwear, making it easier for you to access him. He feels just as thick as you remember him, the weight in your palm causing you to clench around his fingers.

“I need you.” you whisper, clearly enough for him to hear because you see him pulling away, staring at you.

“Don't you wanna cum? It'll be easier for me to--”

“I'm sure,” you interrupt him, pulling your hand out of his sweatpants. “Take your clothes off.” you tell him softly, surprised when he actually listens to you without any side remarks.

The loud thud of his clothes makes you both freeze, waiting for Yoojin to wake up but you barely hear the soft puffs leaving from the crib, before he goes back to you. You sit up, pushing him to lay down as he stares at you in confusion. There's not much place or time to actually speak, you're both aware you have to be quiet. Maybe you should just move it to the living room, but there's something thrilling about having sex knowing you've to keep your mouth shut.

“I wanna ride you.” you whisper, already sitting down onto his abdomen, his hardened length poking you into your ass.

“Holy fuck.” he grunts, hands gripping your hips before you lift yourself up, enough to grab his length and make yourself more comfortable.

His head pokes your entrance, your walls clenching just from the thought of feeling him stretching you, as you slide him up and down. Your other hand is outstretched onto his defined abs, feeling how tense they're. You know you're teasing him, but he doesn't say anything and simply lets you take the lead.

Maybe it's the understatement, knowing you're about to have sex for the first time since Yoojin was born. Or maybe he just got a lot more understanding, appreciating current situation. You'd never have thought it'd come to this again, even though your dreams have been wild these couple of months.

Slowly and cautiously, you slide down onto him, your mouth opening at the sudden stretch and burn that his fingers couldn't do. This way, he reaches you even deeper and he's not even halfway in. He's groaning, doing an awful job to contain the pleasure, while you whimper with each inch that you take him.

This has to be difficult for him too. If he's really telling the truth, which you believe him, he haven't had sex for a long time.

Oh, if you just knew he's minutes from spilling himself like some teenager.

Maybe it's just that exact reason, him not having sex for a long time. Or it's you and the way you feel around his length, making him throb inside of you as he twitches when you finally take all of him. A few seconds of adjusting yourself to his huge length, and you're already bouncing on him. Your arms failing you, your body falling onto Seokjin's chest as he holds your body even closer, meeting your thrusts with his hips. He's fucking into you, taking the control even though you're the one on top. He envelopes you in his arms, making you feel closer to him than ever.

You can't describe it, but this time it's different. It's not just sex full of lust and pleasure, there's something else there. You know you don't love each other, but there is a certain kind of chemistry going between you two. Instead of fucking you so hard trying to chase his own pleasure, his movements are quick but still soft. It might sound stupid or ridiculous, but it feels lot more closer. Like there's an actual connection between you two, and it's not just from the fact he's inside of you.

“Fuck, Jin, I can't--” you whimper into his neck, silencing your moans as he starts to fasten up.

“Come on, cum for me. Let me feel you.” he grunts into your hair, digging his fingers into your back and hips as he urges you to cum.

With a few more thrusts, you're cumming around him as your whole body shakes, but he's there to hold you through it.

”Shhh, you did so great. You were amazing.” he shushes you, his length twitching inside of you, reminding you of its presence and need.

You slide off him, settling yourself between his legs before you take him into your mouth, hand gripping the rest that you can't take. Bobbing your head and stroking him with your hand, you feel his fingers grabbing your hair. Swiping your tongue and repeating the same process couple of times, causes him to let out a low growl as he's spilling himself into your mouth. He twitches in your mouth, emptying himself and when he's done, he sighs.

You let him go with a pop sound, swallowing all of his cum as you sit down onto your knees, wiping your mouth with the back of your hand.

“That was... fucking amazing.” he breathes out, his rigid breathing filling the bedroom.

The sex itself wasn't the longest you both had, but it was intense and probably the best one. Something's telling you he thinks the same thing as he seems to be far more affected than ever.

“Yeah,” you chuckle, agreeing with him as you stand up.

“Where are you going?” he asks immediately, already leaning against his elbows as he watches you in the darkness.

“To take a shower,” you answer, stating the obvious while a surprised 'oh' leaves his mouth. “Can you please watch Yoojin?”

He coughs, nodding his head remembering that you can't probably see him that well. “Sure.”

You go take a shower, smiling giddily for the whole time the water splashes onto your body, ignoring the little jumps your heart does every time you replay what has just happened. When you're done, Seokjin takes his turn to take a shower while you can't fall asleep. Staring at the ceiling, you're surprised when the bedroom door are pushed open. You don't move, nor close your eyes as you feel him getting into your bed. You don't comment it, nor does he. You're not even sure if he knows you're still awake and you wonder what's been going on in his head again.

What made him to come here and sleep next to you?

Nevertheless of your raging thoughts, you find yourself relaxing when you feel a warm body next to you. Small part of you wishes he'd pull you closer, letting you feel his warmth properly.

But even without that, you manage to fall asleep in a minute, enjoying his proximity and warmth while it lasts. And for the first time, you wake up next to him peacefully dreaming and sleeping in your bed.

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