"....for I am sick (of/with) love." is such a baller way to describe a heat/rut, yes I am making the Song of Solomon about omegaverse, no, nobody can stop me

— 𝘀𝗮𝗴𝗮𝘂: 𝗽𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲, 𝗱𝗼𝗻𝘁 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝘂𝘀. ♥

:feat~ alhaitham, kaveh, cyno, tighnari: (warnings~ obsessive behavior + teensy bit of angst)

ᴛᴀɢʟɪꜱᴛ (open!) : @manager-of-the-pudding-bank, @iamdedinside, @ilyuu

Lately, you've been playing a lot more Honkai Star Rail…

ALHAITHAM is jealous.

Which is new to him, as someone who just about has everything he could need. Everything, that is, except for you.

It’s nearly been a week since you last logged on.

And that scares him. He knows he should trust you, but the mere thought of you leaving him is enough to make the acting grand tremble. You are his light, and without you, he is dead - nothing.

It’s cold.

He misses your warmth. Your happy laughs and snide remarks he witnesses as you play and read through dialogue, seeing your bright smile through your front camera, all of it  unbeknownst to you.

But, all this time, did that mean nothing to you?

Oh, but all of a sudden, is that you? You’re finally back! The scribe can’t hold back his smile, eyes sparkling as you start to load in. He can feel your comforting presence, something that invigorates him, such a simple thing, yet it fills him with the will to live.

Ah, but something is different.

Who’s this Dan Heng you keep mumbling about with such a… dreamy expression?

No, that couldn’t be right. That look was reserved for him only. How could you think of someone else with that gaze?

Oh, so this is what jealousy feels like.

KAVEH is baffled.

Confused. I mean, is it really all that much to make a fuss about? Sure, you haven’t logged on in a while, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything.

He’s confident that you won’t leave him! Because, after all, you said it yourself… something along the lines of “SDFJSDFKLSDJFLK I LVOE KAVEH SO MCUH FDJSGLK” ...Or, at least, that was what you had texted over the chat feature to one of your in game friends.

He adores you, so it’s only natural that he praises every word you speak!

Ah, but what’s this new game on your device?

Honkai… Star Rail? 

I-Is this what you’ve been spending all your time on? Time spent without him?

But why?

It’s only then that Kaveh notices.

The new way you’ve begun to act whenever you occasionally log on, the way you’re growing distracted, the way you sigh as you collect your daily commissions, the way you barely glance at his way, almost tired of the game that he’s in… 

It’s okay, Kaveh tells himself, staring at the ground. The room is dark, and he hasn’t eaten in days, body shaking.

They’ll come around again.

They always do.

CYNO is reconsidering.

All his life, he knows that what he’s been doing is in the light of justice. All his life, he’s known that he is in the right. All his life, he has not doubted his path.

Yet…

“My Eminence, where have you gone?”

The world was so barren without you. You were incomparable, the pure life that radiated from your being gave him a sense of elation that he had never experienced before. It was a honey-like feeling that was shamefully addicting.

Was it his fault that you had left? He should’ve changed for you.

Perhaps he had missed your subtle signs, perhaps you were upset at him - he had to have done something wrong, otherwise, why would this have happened?

“I’m sorry.” His distraught hands hid his expression, his crystal tears, as he knelt before his shrine to you - a secret oblation that he held in his heart, with things he treasured. A lock of your hair, a page from your notebook, a jewel pendant that you had left behind… they were such items that he disgracefully cherished.

“I’ll do better, I promise. I’ll do anything.”

So please, let me see you one more time.

TIGHNARI is acceptant.

He’s knowledgeable in so many things… the wildlife of Sumeru’s rainforest, countless antidotes… he knows the forest like the back of his hand. 

Despite that, he comprehends you more. He knows what makes you smile, what makes you irritated, all of it - because he loves you, even though he knows he shouldn’t. 

You’re someone that’s off limits to a person who’s as lowly as him, as insignificant. Truly, he doesn’t deserve to even be in your presence, but it’s too impossibly warm to resist. After all, the savior is just that benevolent, and your radiance blinds him.

He’s not good enough.

That’s all that can ring through his head when he’s with you. And it’s true to him, because you are perfect in his eyes, and in the eyes of the world. Yet his heart still dares to shamefully race whenever you smile.

So it only makes sense if you leave.

At first, it did come as a surprise, but not much of one. Because he knows he deserved it, and that he was never worthy of your attention in the first place.

Still, his heart aches. But if you’re content, then so is he. Who is Tighnari to argue with your divine judgment?

So, he understands. He understands that you grew tired of him.

Ah, but still, he dares hold a small shred of hope that you’ll come back to see him again.

Is that so sinful?

(a/n) i love the sumeru men too much please send help

can you pass the golden duo headcanons i think you would have good ones

🤲🤲🤲my hands are open ready to catch them

RUBS MY FUCKING HANDS TOGETHER IVE BEEN THINKING ABT THEM SM UVE COME AT THE RIGHT TIME

echolalia. i already said that but. ECHOLALIA. shit gets tossed around. funny words youd find in a dr seuss book.

holding hands, leaning on each other, and lots of hugs!!!! best friends 2 me :(

cassidy wasnt super nice to him when they were alive and she regrets it a lot because of how things turned out and shes super defensive of him now

that being said, she never bullied him and was actively rude to anyone who did. she didnt particularly like him but she wasnt gonna stand for the harassment. if shed known about his party, she couldve saved him and i think she thinks about that a lot

i think eventually she apologized formally and he assured her it was fine and that he forgave her. because she of all people deserved it

he listens to her vent her frustrations. sometimes she reminds him of michael with how angry she is, but he knows how to calm her down and he always remembers shes nothing like michael was

he keeps her company in ucn when being around everyone is too much. hes forgiven them but sometimes things are hard still. sometimes he cant be around them. and she really needs company too. he knows she wont come to him, so he goes to her.

he doesnt like the gore or blood so cassidy will talk to him when theyre stuffing nightguards

hes still scared of animatronics so none of the kids greet him as animatronics. they care about him sosoososo much

evan would do fucking anything for cassidy. anything.

she knows his anxiety triggers pretty well by this point and she knows how to distract him. and vice versa.

casisdy doesnt panic as much as she gets over emotional and freaks out. does that make sense? she has more anger than fear and it fucks her up and hes always there when she gets tired of it.

he does her hair because he died before he could ever do his own. he wishes hed grown out his hair before he died

she encourages any behaviors he hid because of michael. she encourages anything that goes against michael.

shes a terribly influence on evan but its because she lvoes him and thinks he deserved better. he thinks she has enough anger for the both of them. she knows hes right and she hates it because HE deserves this anger.

they fight a lot but its never like cassidy and charlie. if cassidy fought with evan like she fought with charlie itd ruin both of them.

if theyd lived they probably wouldve run away together and been roomates

they like to joke that theyre soulmates (platonically) in both a figurative and literal sense. get it? because their souls are connected in golden freddy? they are my world

when they first meet in GF its tense. they end up caring about each other but theres lots to figure out and understand. she cant yell too loud at him because it reminds him of his dad, she cant play certain pranks on him like she might with her friends because it reminds him of michael.

she learns when to be loud and open with him and when she has to be gentle. he gets used to her shenanigans but sometimes things are too much

shes jokingly mean to her friends but not as much to evan because he doesnt always get its a joke

shed have loved to do his makeup and his nails. if theyd lived and moved out together the first thing they wouldve done is dye their hair and paint their nails and do their makeup and buy clothes they KNOW their parents would hate.

thats all i have in my brain rn they make me sad

scroll if u like fanon 'cuddle big bear' horror sans!! i will be slandering the guy but i dont wanna cause people who like him to be upset!! its okay to like fanon characters just dont tag them as if theYRE CANON PLEA

GUYIS!!! oaky, hear me out. i don't like cuddly horror sans. hot take, i know /j. i mean i DO like having wholesome horror sans content but if you make him this misunderstood, cuddly creature who is only kind.. i don't like it.

literally EVERYONE i have seen who has written for horror, has made him that way and deeming it canon. like have you read horrortale,... hes not like that.

hes a teasing asshole who is tired and isn't nice at all towards humans.

he also, fun fact, refuses to eat humans! he starves himself, he doesn't want to do it, he wants his brother and everyone else fed, but he won't feed on a human. HOWEVER he is apathetic!

and he's not animalistic. the only time he gets 'animalistic' is when he goes VERY hungry in the comic and.. ngl it hurts writing this but loses control of himself, basically

again, it's completely okay to like and write him like that. sometimes it's nice to have a normally dark and asshole-ish character be explicitly kind despite his looks! i'll admit that even i have dabbled in the fun of fanon versions of characters. HOWEVER, since everyone does it and tags it as if it's canon horror, i'm very sick of it :sob:

like, PLEAAAASEEEE tag ur posts as 'fanon horror sans' if u use his fanon personality. because i swear to god if i see another horror x reader or just literally any other horror post where it's him being all "growwwwall... y/n... i lvoe u sweet honey suckle... lets go gardening and bake... i have trauma from eatign humans and everyone judges me for that,... escept u..... also im really big im bara horror sans bc nobody writes me as short because short sans is underrated... grrwowwwl" i think im gonna shit myself

i mean don't write him as toxic and abusive. but just read the horrortale comic and get his actual personality! hes a coniving little bastard and i adore him <3

someone pls give me asshole, canonically short horrortale sans x non-specified-monster reader pls im actually begging dude. not to go off topic but i have an oc (not a surprise, i have an oc for almost everything /srs) that i want to put into fanfics but i never can bc the reader is always a meek, small human and horror is always soft

oh to be in a world where i get a strong, tall, monster reader instead of y/n.

hi! I really enjoyed your last cherik fic list, you have great taste. do you have more recs about old cherik? maybe also some post dark phoenix (I mean, they were supposed to be old but they forgot lol). only when you have the time!

you're so lovely omg thank you! i do!! here u go

get out of town by firstlightofeos: i recently read this and it's so fucking good omg. i am not immune to tropes where a 3rd character has to be like 'can you guys get over yourselves and FUCK' and especially if it's old men cherik :sob: OF ALL PEOPLE. THEY NEED IT SO BADç

all you are made of by fengirl88: oghgojoOGH theres this bit:

“Two minutes to make you drop it,” Charles says, mock-outraged. “I must be losing my touch.”

“Menace,” Erik says lovingly, “stop distracting me.”

IT REALLY LIKE......FUCKS UP WITH MY MENTAL HEALTH...........LIKE SHUT UP HE LOVES HIM SO MUCH. THEY LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH. IM GOING TO DIE

tempus fugit by franzbibliotek: the character writing on this one is so fucking insane. you have to work with me here bc this is comic cherik and comics just have things happen in them. . anyway charles comes back from the dead after stealing a body that's like in it's mid 30s, jsut, your casual stuff. anyway. holy shit. charles' inner monologue on this mmmmmwah im fucking obssessed

pillow talk by pearl_o: i might have recced this already BUT IT BEGS RECCING AGAIN this is literally my favorite kind of fics where they just. lie next to each other. talk for a while. they're old and in love :(

a day when we can finally rest by pocky_slash: i am no timmune to fics where they depict how long they both have waited and waited to be together because it makes me cry ok. wow. love can thrive and continue and they jsut lvoe each other so much :( FUCK!!!!!

pity the man by franzbibliothek: this is kinda angsty i will warn you since i usually just read happy stuff but it's GOOD ok. pre dark phoenix when charles is just like on his 90th mental breakdown,. my g od. the way op writes charles. you get it.

adventures in babysitting (worried grandpa remix) by sebastian2017: literally my favorite thing about erik is that he's a grandpa. okay. it might be bc tommy is my fave character but i am just,,,,,,,,SOBSBSBS... DO U KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

one night in westchester by brotherfromanothermother: this is literally the funniest fuckign fic in the world. just. old man magneto buying condoms. it makes me cry. i lvoe it

close enemies by andraste: i might have recced this? MAYBE? but this is animated series cherik. and if i have recced it..THEN ILL DO IT AGAIN. THOSE SAVAGE LAND EPISODES WERE INSANE

habitual by xtinethepirate: i love dark phoenix cherik. i love erik in this fic. i like when fic writers write erik caring for charles but not being overly indulging like he Is willing to call him out. ESPECIALLY post dp cherik. SO GOOD.

marks by unforgotten: i love. i love. love the idea of erik 'kidnapping' charles and him being too busy grading to pay attention to him. which offends him greatly. i think magneto should always be funny and dramatic.

necessary downtime by unforgotten: AND THEYRE MARRIED. OOOH MY GOD THEY WERE MARRIED. not related to me also being a teacher but i love when it's just fics like charles being really tired from school work. he's so me. that's also me. finally realistic mcs

fossils (the something old, something new remix): AHHGHGHG I LTIERALYJL CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF FICS WHERE THEY GET TO ENJOY BEING MARRIED LIKE. ITS SO GOOD. IT MAKES ME CRY SO MUCH . MAYBE OLD MEN IN LOVE ARE MORE EFFECTIVE THAN THERAPY..? JURY IS OUT ON THIS ONE

rue de la paix by ireliss: (THROWIGN UP AND CRYING) GOODNESS. MOURNING. OLD MEN. TOUCH STARVED CHARACTERS. IT CANT GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS. post dark phoenix

everything about it is a love song: if i told you how many times i cried reading this id have to be taken out and immobilized. it's bad out here. it is really bad out here!!!!! (ITS A REALLY GOOD FIC!! I LOVE IT!!) it's probably one of my fave old men fic ever just like someplace that is green which was on my other post but its osjhfddohfdj ITS OSO OGHG OGGH OGH!!!!!!

sing me to sleep: i love dofp cherik. I do. i love them so fukcing bad i love seeing those old men reunited and helping each other and being deeply in love despite the world going to shit it is SO deeply personal to me this fi ci ss os much.

the o(l)dd couple: i love fics that involve the press and such reactions to Them. and outsider pov is always so enjoyable. i love this fic i think its one of the first few i read?? SO GOOD

into the open by clockworkrobots: i just. this fic is so good. it's like the first fic i bookmarked almost. the tag erik's gay socialist farm island cracks me up every time then ir ead this and i sob and cry again fr

hope u enjoy!!

ahhh trying to analyse what i think about mo ran's little inner monologue about liking chu wanning and not shi mei and like

:readmore:

fundamentally i do thinks there is some truth to it, like putting someone on a pedestal as pure and good isnt really about being in love.. like its you not the state of u get to the nitty gritty, if u dont like their flaws specifically do you even like them or just the idea of this perfect kind eprson youve build in your mind that cannot be sullied

but also i feel like i disagree about the. sexual aspect of it? like just because youre not horny doesnt mean you dont have a crush? but also i tried to explain what it feels like to have a crush when not hornh and im having the issue of im demiromantic and ive had one crush in my whole ass life and it was in middle school, i simply do not know enough about romantic attraction to tell you. Like i can easily say that Mo Ran isnt experiencing just sexual attraction, even if he is ridiculously horny, but like

How to explain that while yes i dont 5hink you had a crush on shi mei that its not because you dont like shimei physically? you also dont seem to enjoy spending time with shimei that much and dont seem to have many meaningfull connections with him. also also you dont seem to want to be closer to shi mei you just want him to be safe and happy and stuff? It sounds a bit likea ! hes so nice to me, sort of squish. Like when someone does somethibg really nice for you and you decide that youve pack bonded and youre gonna be extra nice to them and youre gonna be the bestest of friends

but often they end up not even being your best friend. because your bestfriend is someone who you dont get tired if being around for days in end and who you can argue but then understand each other, not just someone whos nice to you. you know.

And like Mo Ran doesnt like Chu Wanning jsut because he does somethibg nice for him, he respects jim and has the eorlds most obvious crush BeforE that, thats just when he goes Shizun care for me too? owo and then Cherish the shizun protect the shizun, and i feel like the xie sini moment of Arent I human too? Dont I hurt too? Was more important? Like figuiring out hes been fundamentally misunderstanding Chu Wanning and then finding out for himself what the guy is really liek is what does it for him, because its the understanding, its about the knowing

You can like people without knowing them but you cant love them without knowing them and being willing to learn more

Anyway im going on a tangent and i still cant tell you what the difference in the whole lvoe thing eould be between learning to love chu wanning romantically and in general is outside of he thinks all of his sharpest edges are cute? they endear shizun to him, and thats all i have because i dont remember the like. questions of that What type of attraction are you feeling? quiz that helps me work it out.

yeah i have a bit more emotional intelligence then mo ran because i spend a looot of time thinking and self analysing but also its not by much. which is partly why i find his EM of -33 so relatable. mine is zero in this metaphor, which is better but still. like at least i can tell other peoples emotions apart with a suprsingly high degree of accuracy for someone who had managed to convince themselves they cant feel guilt and it was just anger obviously, not misplaced guilt nuh uh

ah i need to figuire out hoe to add a readmore in mobile for this rant

anyway mo ran yes correct conslusion that youre head over heels for chu wanning and not in love with shi mei, but no i dont think its just because you desire him carnally, you also desire him in every other way, ehich does not seem to apply to shi mei, but i dont think youre ready for that internal "im not even sure you consider shi mei as a human person with like agency and shit and nit a prop in your backstory" conversation. Which. I do see that shi mei isnt written that way which is just.. perfection, the complexity of secondary characters in danmei is unparalleled, love it when people that arent the main couple have personalities

olive listens to the second act of falsettos for the first ever time on a plane very tired and slightly loopy: a liveblog (ish)

my not entertaining, very pathetic thoughts on falsettos. not proofread or edited for typos. read at your own risk.

okay before we begin let me preface by saying im finally just taking a bit to just LISTWN to this shit and trinas song emotionally destoryed me okay. okay

why is the first line just homosexuals. i mean yeah but still

oh this goes

weirdly happy though isnt this guy gonna die

BAR MITZVAH

YABADAVA THE EIGHTIES

ooh speed mode march of the falsettos

the lesbians!!

of course shes a shiksa

WHEEEEEEEEE! WOOOOOOO!

this gooooooes

oh its marvin

“two years” are you NORMAL now

good for trina

ezcept on tje jewish holidays

WHAT NO WHIZZER???

bring him back

HOMOSEXUALS

i wanna go to falsettoland except not really cuz ot would probs suck

yeah. grow tje fuck up

MARVIN. PLEASE.

wait how is he twelve and a half i had my bat mitzvah three months after turning 13

elaborate william finn.

jason stoooop butchering the hebrew. stooooop

im gonna give him a pass simply because ive heard worse

aww the tallit belssing. i think

WALKERMAN

“the last loving thinfh we’llprobably ever do together” noooo youre so emotionally intriguing aha

the whole things WHAT now man who i think matbe js whizzer but i cant tel marvin snd whizzer apart very well is that bad

good for fucking jason

this is my mom literally

hes gonna be a jewish adult

i cant tell wahts gping on (too zzzy)

omg a lesbian

“nouvelle bar mitzvah cuisine” cordelia i love you but please do not do this. just have fucjing bagels you cant go weong with bagels

CONGA

so proud pf jason

i am NOT dxcited for when my brother starts bar mitzvah prep

this song is titled miracle of judaism it has to be good

oh hes being a little straightboy

invite none of them just be a frienless loser like i was lamoo

no i had like four people there

you are TWELVE. DUDE.

you’re not swinging a goth gf you are TWELVE YEARS OLD

oooh baseball

ooooh JEWOSH baseball

same maevin

marvin stop calling your sona pussy

oh eitght its the Eighties

jason cannot play baseball

baseball ⚾️ ooh empji ⚽️ 🏀 🏈

WHIZZER

go off trina. love her

of course he love sbaseball

the lesbians are silly

oh my god. middle aged man core. hes so fjcking pathetic

jason *not 2 fiture penny put photo of cat kn box head here. no service on this plane*

even bald he looks good

stop thinking about your gay love and focus on your fucking sun. loser

i would love to watch jason play badebll (loe?

h

me when i hit the ball

this bitch gets SIX parents at hsi baseball games and my brother gets my mom and me not paying attention because soccer is boring as sbit sorry soccer lovers who also follow penny dimeshee on timblr pkay im rabong RAMBING

me when im in falsettoland

mendel is so bad at his job

this bitch sucks ass.

disgrace to the name of caroline fr caroline abbott would NEVER do such a thing

reagan and pagan as a rhyme ks genius

STOP SLEEPING WORH YOUR BOSS?!??

trina. thag is NOT how you prnounce it

sorry what.

just qhitnyour FFUCKIGN job. you cant do it anyway 😊☺️☺️

god i love ❤️ emojis

wbat a shock marvins back with whizzer

trina be normal please 🙏 i love you

trina calm your shit

yeah why CANT u let goe

as spon as they said that i know everytknhg not gonna be alright

i watched like half of a short clip of this from tje tonies and then went to bed becaus eit was like ten pm and i sleep early because i am a loser if any lf you compare me to bakugo my hero academia i will actually cry anyway the clip was good they were #exercising wby dod i go pn thos tangent

charlotte!!!!!!!!

me when i stick a lightbulb up my ass

okay shes being self important

aww

was that the first eff bomb

what aee they laying

whizzer my man marvin has matured stip raggingi kn him!!!!!!!!!’

god

i cant see anything out this plane window its like 10 pm. past my bedtime

OOH i lvoe me a good musical motif

anyone here watchind minions the rise of gru and know what the FUUCK goes on in it my brothers watcing jt and im so confused

THAGS NOT. WOAAAAAAH

HE DID MATURE!!!!!!!!!!!! “i want it all” “all i want is you” CHARACTER DEVEIPMENT GO OFFFFFF!! i want to write an essay about this man

they gave us quinoa chocolace crunches on the plane

theyre in the coty? damn i would jot think that. they feel like sone sort of pseudo-idyllic suburban lifestyle bitches

REPEATED LYRICS. AHHHHHHHH

Damn this shit is long

this sonf is incorrect i do not hate my parents

thag wasnt funny

jadon. honey. you are so lucky your parendes dotn involve you in bar mitzvah prep. do you want to pick out tablecloth swatches

jaosn i feel like you’re misunderstanding the purpace of the bar mitzvab

what kinda a name ks apple bum

SAUL

better call sa- he WHAT???? HWTA????? HIH????? WH?????? REELING

HE HAS PAITBJNGD OF WHAT NOW???????????????????????

matbe i should have done this while lucid

gonna take a wuick pause sk i can play shitty united app games

okay i got a high score of 0. om back

HE DOESNT yeah i thoight that

what the fuck was that mendel is thag ilatian. we are JEWISH. why did you top it off with dayeinu.

i did bate my paewnts at 12

jason dont you want to be counted in a minyan….

it is not in the torah

god did not say thag

sigh

jason do the fuckingn bar mitzvah.

HELP

even ykkur wife knows you cand do your hob correctly mendel…

one hour left onthe flogh ti can do this

can mtbrother turn his screen birghtness fown

sorry marvinim sore your love os wuite sweet but im gonan catch about four min of sbuteye

“try to stay both kind and young” okah thats powerful

okay marvin. good love ballad.

OH NO.

OH NOOOOOOOOOOO

“something so bad that words have lost their meaning”

whizzer soumds so tired

MARVIN. god i love him

everything is not gonna be alright

oh and now trjnas gonna make me sob

YEAH. 🤧😿

i have things to say about the repetition of everything will be alright and they will be said. eventually

“hahaha… not funny… okay”

gonna bawl my eyes out

“gefiltee fish” “gefilte fish?”

i need to watch this on stage

god he’s just a KID!!!

im not crying you’re crying

the fucking. camaderie.

i am crying on the plane and im trying not to be weird about it

JASON.

heart breaking

i am getting tje implications here bit the thing is i dont like the implications

ive heard this song on character playlists o think

points i SAW THAG LYRIC IN A COMPARISON TO WOE IS ME!!!

i just know jason bar mitzvahs gonna kill me

he brought tje prayer shawl!!

yeah this si. augh. making the best out of a horrible situation <333

would this ever work logistically? no. where is the rabbi? where is the torsh? but emotionally? i am crying my eyes out as i drscend over salt lake city utsh and im not even ahsmwed

MARVIN. GOD. im a marvin fan now not ashamed

they are NOT doing this bar mitzvah right

thats not an actual parshah. or actual trope. i need to stop pointing out inconsisternces

🤧🤧🤧 MARVIIIIIIIN.

ID LIKERO BELIEVE THAT ID DO OT AGAIN AND AGAIN AGAIN:(

waiteajtwait dont they say that thing in this has better come to a stop. OHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

like wine

WERE JUST GONNA SKIP THAT STAGE.

there ar no word sor emojis that can express th e utter fucking heartbreak im going through rn

OH GOD ITS OVER.

PLEASE. PLEASE. PYU CANT DO THIS TO ME.

A REPRISE??? AS A FUCKING FINALE????

whoo boy.

—

hi its airport olive. thanks for getting this far! if you read this all you’re now legally obligated to marry me!

ugejwusiyaiegajfhf anon u gave me the most severe brain rot for this owl house au and i want to draw it so bad but i can’t !!!!!!! anyway major spoilers under cut for the owl house season 2B

so kakashi as hunter makes the most insane sense to me like that’s so big brained of u anon i feel so galaxy-brained even thinking about it!!!!! kakashi being not even human or witch, not even Born he was literally Made. his sense of identity, which is is main crisis as a kid in naruto, is here too and that’s so!!!! yes!! and then danzō as emperor belos who made kakashi as a replacement for tobirama, his best friend of years ago (yeah depending on if it changes or not i’m aging tbrm down so this makes sense lol), and saying “what a shame. of all the others, you were the one that looked most like him” OH MY GOD!!!!!! like kakashi as a tobirama reincarnation (in a sense) makes so much sense!! and just. god the angst of danzō killing him over and over again through these reincarnations because he hates what tbrm became so much :’(((((

and ok ok i just. i need several minutes bc i’m shaking just thinking about this but kakashi’s identity rooted entirely in what danzō fed him, finding out danzō’s actually a HORRIBLE person who deserves to die a million times over but still not being able to completely separate himself from him because that’s all he knows??? like he doesn’t know how to make decisions for himself yet????

and and and minato masterminding a whole plan to take danzō down from the inside, faking memory loss to remain unsus, pushing kushina away when all he really wants is to be with her and take down danzō together

AND KUSHINA AS EDA???? don’t even get me STARTED she would be SO FUN!! like i love eda so much and kushina is the perfect replacement for her :33 just a silly gal!! not taking stuff seriously unless it needs to be, helping obito and trying to understand him, giving him all the advice he needs,,,,,,,,

and i’m thinking tenzo as willow bc listen!!! tenzo getting a little side arc of “i’m tired of being viewed as ‘weak’ and etc by my peers, i’m going to get stronger” and not only physically stronger, but socially too???? like going out, making his own club, recruiting people and being a leader? PERFECT!!! and rin as amity, but i don’t think she’d play the same role—she just doesn’t strike me as mean in any world lmao. i think she’d be more avoidant of obito because of her reputation and his reputation, but not outright mean. and then they finally become friends and just. they’re so good for each other!!

and obito’s constant crisis of wanting to go home but also having found a new family and living the life he always daydreamed of,,,,god listen i relate to that so hard i’m going to preheat but just hear me out. obito maladaptive daydreaming so hard all the time, forgetting to take his meds, wishing he could just leave because he keeps disappointing his mom with his grades and he doesn’t know how to fix it because he can’t entirely control it…finally getting what he wants, a wizard world!! then going back to the human world thru the portal, finding out that he’s been replaced (eh whatever they’re cool too and they take care of mom) but that also, his mom wants him to come back? forever??

like he’s of COURSE he wants to go back, he misses his mom so much, but her not being able to understand that he’s made so many friends here?? and that he’s been making important decisions for himself and they’ve all been good so far, and that he can be independent??? GOD. GOD FUCK FUCK. I LOVE HIM OKAY I LOVE HIM!!!!!!!! 🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡

i’m biting my fingers i’m going to chew my hand off I LVOE THIS!!! and literally don’t even get me started on worldbuilding and the other characters bc i haven’t even THOUGHT of who darius will be or how obito, rin, tenzo, and kakashi’s relationshil will progress or—

thinkin bout technos voice again

also the end of this turns into an,,.,.,.,.analysis(?) of his ‘But i’m the traitor’ speech, i saw someone say that it was phil who killed the cows but like....techno thought it was new l’manburg, u cant blame me for paintin it that way in this. also i just lvoe that speech so much its sO GOOD

When you know what to look for, technos voice is incredibly expressive and varies greatly in pitch, tone, and speed. It pains me to see people calling him monotone or boring with how he speaks, because he really just...isn’t. Yeah, a good example of this is his skywars videos, where he often yells, laughs, and is confused, but that isn’t it. 

You can also see it in Dream SMP. During his speeches, you can hear the emotion, the hurt, but it’s almost like there’s a layer of concrete in front of it, keeping most emotion from being fully expressed. Only in intense situations does he show more emotion in his voice. 

A good example of that is the Theseus/Hero speech, but everyone knows of that speech and I prefer "but I’m the traitor” (cow speech) because it’s fun. If you want to listen to it yourself, it’s at 14:35 of “the fallout (dream SMP)” stream. 

Listen to him! When he starts speaking, he sounds tired. He sounds beat. He just wants the government to stop hurting him, for people to leave him to his cows and his horses, and they just won’t, why won’t they leave him alone?

He continues, trying to find a reason for their actions. He helped them, didn’t he? Why wouldn’t they help him back? 

He realizes what they do to him, every day. They cast him aside, they scorn him. They call him a traitor for sticking to his beliefs. 

He realizes as soon as he says ‘but I’m the traitor.’

They’re a government. They hate him, because he opposes their power and all the corruption that comes with it. He’s almost mocking, when he says it, almost sarcastic in his sorrow. He’s obviously sad, using a softer voice, speaking slower, but when the pieces click and he knows that the only reason they hate him is because he wants to destroy the government, he laughs. 

They’re the traitor in his eyes. He joined to help them, and they agreed on getting rid of the leader, of the government, but as soon as they did so, they threw him out, called him a traitor for continuing with his goals. I’m not sure if he finds it funny, or sad, or a mix of the two, but he’s definitely amused by their trust in government.

He moves to what they did, and not him. He talks about his stolen items in his base, he talks about everything he’s lost, and his anger builds and builds until he finally comes back around to laughing at why he’s considered the traitor. 

I want to talk about the line ‘they ransack the base that I showed them out of friendship’ for a second. He paints New L’manburg as the villains, but when did he tell them that they couldn’t keep coming back? New L’manburg is a growing country, it needs resources, supplies, and they know where they can get it easily. He shows himself as the kindhearted, generous person, giving them supplies and armor, only to have them steal everything he’d worked on. I’m not saying I agree with New L’manburg, but by putting a clear line between good (Techno) and bad (New L’manburg/government), Techno is showing that at this part of the story, he doesn’t see any good or redeeming qualities in the government. 

The next line also shows that Techno thinks New L’manburg sees only in black and white. The first paragraph is from his point of view. Nearly every sentence starts with ‘I,’ and it goes through what he did and how he was treated. It ends with “But I’m the traitor.” He knows that while he is a traitor, that doesn’t mean he’s bad. 

The second paragraph, on the other hand, is from New L’manburgs’ point of view (at least, how Techno sees it). Nearly every sentence starts with ‘they.’ He talks about what they did, and it ends with “But I’m the bad guy.” He thinks they see only in bad and good, loyal and traitorous, and scoffs at it.

At the end of the two ‘But I’m the ___’ paragraphs, he’s accepted it. He knows that he has to go against his friends, is former allies, and he stops seeing them as family, and instead as just another government. It’s how they function, he reasons with himself, they see him as inferior because he’s the few, and they’re the many. He talks about silently standing up for himself, refusing to let them walk over him, slaughter his hard work and betray him right before his eyes. 

He turns angry quickly. They aren’t his friends, they hate him, they killed innocents, they took away one of his only sources of food and XP.  What crimes did my cows commit? 

He turns calmer for a second. They did get murdered, lives taken before they were ready and their bodies were probably not even prepared properly. 

honestly, at this point, the speech becomes less about the cows and more about the citizens of L’manburg in game. if they would kill all those cows, why would they have anything against killing innocent citizens? He’s defending the guiltless, the people who joined L’manburg to live a peaceful life only to be killed by their former leader. 

He leaves the pit. (it doesn’t stay in the pit. this isn’t a duel, this is ruthless, this is heartless, and it solves nothing.)

He thinks to the past. He knows that there’s no way a new government won’t rise from the ashes, he knew they would turn corrupt as soon as they set foot on the stage. 

He calls himself a hero, but not in the modern sense. He calls himself exiled, hated, scorned for doing the right thing, for protecting the people he loves.

He’s accepted that New L’manburg will hate him. He knows that nothing can stop them from killing and torturing everything he cares about. He has to do something about it, but first, he has to prepare. 

Anon said: Are you still into krbk? I noticed you haven't draw them a lot recently (I don't mean to pressure you, I was just wondering)

I still very much am!!! but a convergence of unrelated happenings (my focus being unusually scattered, lack of general motivation, them not having interacted much in the manga lately, my having pulled out of the fandom a little for a bunch of reasons, having gotten into a lot of new things I want to make a lot of stuff for ??) had my output of stuff for them/inspiration related to them die down a lot ): I miss them though, I should fill a page with doodles of them one of these days... well, I haven’t drawn much in genereal lately, so maybe let’s start first with fixing that haha

Anon said: Fun Fact : In smash bros ultimate there are spirits with octopath traveler and they're in pairs and guess what ? Alfyn and Therion are together :3

I KNOW!!!!!! It makes me so emo I’m a bundle of feelings they’re soulmates I tell youuuuuuuuuuu ;;A;; (little inconsequential things making me a mess, what’s new xD) - another fun fact is that h’aanit and ophilia share one too!! and I ship them too!! and cyrus and tressa share one as well, and they’re my brother’s mains in his save! A series of delightful little coincidences haha

Anon said: Will you be drawing more Jujutsu Kaisen? I love your art sm and I would love to see more!!!!

Right now I feel like I want to spend the next ten years drawing these kids, so I sure hope so! But as I said my focus has been very scattered for the past three or so months, so I can’t promise anything ): let’s both enjoy it while it lasts haha

Anon said: You are my emotional support artist. I check back every once and a while and BOOM. Serotonin.

You’re too kind!!!! But thank you, I’m glad I can make you feel better! :D

Anon said: i'm super new to your art (and mha) and i just wanted to say your krbk stuff is just !!!!!!! it makes me so happy and makes my poor jaded heart feel something and it's just all around incredible!!!

Thank you so much!!!!!!!!!! I’m glad you like my way of portraying the kids!!!!

Anon said: I’m about to cry I’ve spent an hour looking though your bnha tag for that lil comic where Kiri hugs Baku and. It. Sent. Me. Back. To. The. Top. I didn’t even get to finish reading it. I’m so upset. So. So. So. Upset.

(same) Anon said: OH MY GOSH IT KEEPS SENDING ME TO THE TOO I HATE MOBILE AND LOVE YOU I LVOE YOU BUT THIS WEBSITE IS K I L L I N G ME I JIST WANNA SEE WHAT HAPPENS AS KIRI ATTEMPTS TO HUG BAKUGOU BUT NOOOO, AN HOUR OF MY TIME ISNT ENOUGH SAYS THE TIME STEALER

(samesame) Anon said: I. Found the hug thing. On Pinterest. In. Five. Seconds. I hate life but also it was really cute. Thank you but seriously I hate this website

The saga hahaha sorry anon I couldn’t get to you before you went out of your mind trying to find it, I got the asks in the middle of the night! Glad you could find it, though I’m kinda sad you had to look on pinterest for it (...sad it is on pinterest at all tbh) here it is anyway, if this is the one you were talking about! you really went back in the years for this one huh

Anon said: So for that thing that you made a w h i l e ago where Bakugou ruffles Kirishima’s hair, right? So I imagine Kiri is like w h a t and calls over Mina or Denki or Sero or all of them or something like that and tells them and is freaking out and they’re like “he wasn’t in the right mindset, you know he sleeps at 8:32” and make a joke out of it as Kiri is freaking out. And Kiri is freaking out soooo much as they are crying laughing on the floor at Bakugou’s sleeping schedule.

hahaha I’m sure he must have freaked out on them at some point after that, and bakugou must have done the same (probably with jirou, less likely but more hilarious with todoroki or tokoyami haha) - though, the original idea came from a bigger one where the scene in the comic didn’t bring them anywhere closer to getting together (or figuring out they’re into each other, for the matter lmao idiots) maybe one day I’ll get back on that >:]

Anon said: In your comments, you said “at this point my hands will never forget” and I had a nozaki-kun memory float into my head, imagining him sick and trying to make his deadline xD yes muscle memory

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anon you have no idea how often I think about that hahaha yes, I say my hands won’t forget but we all know that’s exactly how it’ll end at some point lol

Anon said: dang this happens all the time like I follow someone for their bnha content and then like two months after following them I find out they used to make yowapeda content and im just sitting their like dang thats wild because bnha and yowapeda are like the only two animes I watch

ANON!!!! HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Always so nice to find other ywpd fans!!!!!!!! Sorry I’m not making art for it anymore (for now) but despite my sister insisting I read the manga already I’ve been putting it off......for years lol but it’s on my reading list!! So maybe I’ll get back on it at some point!

Anon said: FRAN!!!!!! i love ur art so much and im trying to buy ur products on redbubble and i geniunely cant decide what to get!!!!! i tired asking my friend but she doesnt know which one either hahahahhahah ig i just wanted to send this because i really appreciate u and u are very talented. im sending u lots of high vibrations and love❤️🧡

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!! It means so much to me that you guys are still buying my stuff (TTATT) I should...........seriously update it..........gomen m(._.)m

Anon said:YES YES YEEES MORE ALFYON ON THE WAYYYYYY 💖💖💖💖💖 They're both the cutest really their ship is the beeest  Try reading some the alfyon fanfics if you have some time, they're really good ! The one i really recommend you is Crismonberries, blackberries by court_court on Ao3 !Your art is the best ever can't wait to see more octopath !!💖💖💖

Anon thank you SO MUCH for suggesting that fic to me I!!!!!!!!!!!! loved it so much I deep-dived into it and spent two straight days reading it it’s such a gem!!!!! ;;; bless you

Anon said: Have you watched Fullmetal Alchemist?

Hell yeah! Only Brotherhood though. I read the manga too tho!!

Anon said: Have you read Noragami? It’s one of my favourite manga, and the anime isn’t half bad either (still waiting for s3 tho lol) anyway it’s really good, concept-wise it’s similar to Soul Eater, I totally recommend

I watched the first season back when it aired! It’s not really my thing though ): feels a bit sad in that very specific way that always ends up just making me miserable as I keep reading............................... sorry

Anon said: I will never not be in love with your art. Everytime I'm feeling down and/or missing the boys I scroll through your krbk tag and it reminds me exactly of why I love them so much and I'm so thankful for that. Your brand of krbks is the one I love the most and honestly thank you so much for all your marvelous art of them and of other things as well because you art is just so pretty and I love seeing your ocs and other fandom art 💕💕💕

Anon I love you......................... ;;;;; thank you so much, you have no idea how much this means to me (oTT^TT)o<3

chapter 5 lets go-

"Not that we're going to do that" Fitz my beloved- I am squinting and I like it

did I say this before? You know what, I don't care. Your use of imagery (I think that's the term) is so good!!!!!??? you're really good at setting the scene and the feelings and doing the show not tell thing-

but like this chapter- my heart- I lvoe this but like the letters??? and the conspiracy wall thing- so sad and I just want to hug keefe which seems like a very not good thing considering that it is a pandemic and that he is a fictional character- and aldsflajdfks;;lfaskjal;dsfkj

I'm just going to like-

put some of the best parts from this chapter

“I mean. . . What’s special about. . . You and me?”

“What’s special about you and I is that no matter the amount of shit we go through, we’ve managed to stick together. Pretty amazing, right?”

“Also, as a disclaimer, I’m super tired so you can’t hold any stuttering or weird faces I made against me. That’d be downright rude.”

it's all just so- afldksfsadlk;fdsalk; wow- and I am not good with words but you very much are and this is so wow-

also I realize that I am being very annoying by filling your inbox with my sleep deprived fanfic reading but I will yell about your good writing and I will try not to be stopped by the ask limit

TOTALLY missed the chapter 5 ask and idk how-

that scene where sophie asks him what’s special about the two of them was super fun for me to write, but also pretty challenging, because i didn’t know quite what i wanted keefe to say. i just knew that i wanted sophie to ask that question. so it was a struggle to find the words for keefe to explain what made their bond so unique haha :)

and same. i want to hug keefe so bad and punch him but that’s for another time-

bored? send me an ask!

omg some tng thought dump bc i havent shot anythin in the liveblog tag for a whilst now <3

- i literally have barely watched ANY tng this month bc of exams :( and am sooo sad bc of it </3 but ALSO bc my focus is through the window & i need to find sth to do with my HANDS whilst i watch but i cnt rlly think of anyhting right now grr grr bark arf arf so hmm to solve later

- which is also funny i think im jsut getting to this lull in tng? i think its jsut bc its a bingeing thing do u know what i mean, besties. the episodes are all very good at this point imo like theyre all sound as hell but i think the problem is trying to watchthem all like this when tng is still very episodic. like tos was eaiser for me i think because there was only 3 seasons of it and yah like... after 5 of tng - but then, with the first two which were so.... rough... - i jsut get a lil tired too quick </3 but i do wnna binge bc guh thats the only way i'll consume it you know girlies im broken in the head now :|

- anyways more relevant i think . like i said episodes are good now but hiii hellooo girls ?? helloooo? TAIL end of s5 has just been some straight BANGERS in particular. like middle of s5 is eh to me, but ohhh tail end besties like- SOME eps idc at all for (imaginary firned was extraordinarily mediocre, for example) but a lot of meat there ya know

- and like also. i am pulling the trigger early yah but like two eps left but i think ive heard good things abt the this one (the inner light) and the desc for the finale.. bestie, you know how i am about a data episode; im such a whoreee for it, it'll win me easy so im just counting on these girlies being good

- an yah so like literally not gong to talk abt them all but it slike

- the outcast yas i dont thnik it was perfect but i dont know man fucking hell i think its just strangely reaffirming to see like. a discussion on gender like that- when now that was like wht... 30 years ago???? omg

- cause and effect also had me obsessd i LOVE a good time loop story who doesnt but that all beng said i think theyre sooo hard to do like i think so many stories try to do a time loop bc it soudns cool but NO besties what makes it cool is pulling it off and they did that! go off! also beverly moments always obsessed

- the first duty is probs one of my favourite wes centred eps ive made my little comments on wesley before and well im not going over it al again now but this is what i want from hsi character ya know. and like even IF the ep isnt as standout as some of the others im mentioning it is bc like? again within the context of it bein, like, them doin wes in a way i actually like yah...<3

- the next phase had me like STOP it. STOP IT!!!!! STOP IT!!! ALL THE MAKINGS FOR SUUUCH A FAVE, BESTIES. first of all? centred on ro and geordi. insane behaviour. thanks im obsessed i am. and also its like- god i dotn know but... IVE COME TO REALISE, what i am qutie obsessed with the most is eps like this where the focus chars of the eps are isolated in a way like this like (where they cannot talk to the others, theyre in some seemingly impossible situation that they cant break out of ) you really GET to focus on the characters nad have them persevre like YES. its why i liked remember me so much . and its LIKE that ep and this one- its like? i dont thinktheyre EXTRAORDINARILY PERFECT but because theyre that kind of set up i love them omggg...........

- i also did love i, borg god yah baby i LVOE HOW GEORDI IS JUST THE BESTIE. THE BESTIE OF THE YEAR. WE LOVE GEORDI HE LTIERALLY JSUT MAKES EVERYONE LOVE HIM. NO OFFENCE BUT WHY IS GEORDI LIKE THE BEST THERE E-

- ACTUALLY SORRY ABOUT THE NEXT PHASE ALSO . DATA PLANNING GEORDI'S FUNERAL. CHRIST ALRIGHT! THAT DID SEND ME QUITE OFF THE EDGE THERE.

- althoguh speaking of god help me im starting to melt we havent had a data centric ep in YONKS it feels like and i assume the finale is data-centric from the desc but nonetheless im strating ro have withdrawals WHEN was the last one? was it hero worship? HELL that was so long ago

- anyways thats all the little thoughts ive had over the last quarter of the show peace and love mwah

shelter

jus a warmup but i hope u enjoy!! sofd anxceit,, i lvoe them

summary: Virgil isn't a soft person. But sitting on his fire escape with Dee has always been his comfort, and maybe, just for Dee, Virgil can be soft. 

warnings: incorrect fire escape usage, two swear words (f word), patton and roman are namedropped but thats it, anything else lmk!

pairing: anxceit 

tagging @gr3ml1n-loser​ for the softd anxceit idea, and @brain-iak​ and @pattons-cat-hoodie​ for their support !! also all of them asked fhkdslf

---

Virgil has no idea what the laws about fire escapes are, but he feels like he might be breaking a few of them. 

Like, he knows that nobody cares if he chills on the fire escape to escape more than fire, but he’s started transforming it into a getaway, of sorts. He has a waterproof mat that he regularly dries off, places a towel to buffer, and piles with blankets. He strung up some fairy lights the other day when he saw similar lights strung around Patton’s room, because, fuck it, right? 

Which is odd, Virgil knows. The fire escape isn’t his balcony. He doesn’t have a balcony. In fact, he dreams of the day he has the money for an apartment with a balcony. 

The other day Patton gifted him a succulent and Virgil doesn’t want it to die, so he finds a spot for it on his fire escape. 

And he’s sitting there, at eleven o'clock at night, when loud clanging sounds above him. 

Startling, Virgil forces himself to focus on keeping his tea in his mug instead of splattered across his blankets. There’s a few more noises, a window closing, some breaths. 

“Hey, Virge,” his neighbor to the north says. He’s leaning over the edge of his own fire escape, teeth and eyes bright in the starlight. Fabric drapes along his arms, soft and loose. 

“Hey,” Virgil says. He settles further into his hoodie, back pressed against a pillow, supported by the external wall of the building. He peers up at his neighbor. “Coming down?” 

His neighbor makes a noise of confirmation before disappearing. Moments later, he slips down the fire escape, touching down softly on Virgil’s private getaway. 

He sinks down, expression smoothing. He practically melts into his own pillow setup, a tired sigh escaping his lips. 

Virgil hums. Drinks some tea. Stares at the lights of the city. 

“You would not believe how the actor for Belle treated me today,” Dee starts. Virgil reaches to a spot outside the realm of blankets, grabbing another mug and handing it to Dee, who takes it without preamble. He takes a sip with one hand, the other settling on the blankets between them. 

Virgil watches his movements absently. He makes a noise deep in his throat, confirming that he’s listening to Dee’s story. 

Dee talks, and talks, and talks, but it doesn’t sound like rambling. Everything he says is concise, well-thought out, to the point. He’s only talking about his day, a day in the life of a community theater stage hand, but Virgil feels warmed all the same. 

He reaches a point where he says, “and then, the newbie says he doesn’t know how to throw weight,” and Virgil cuts in with, “seems like he can barely pull his own weight,” and Dee startles. 

The night moves forward, clouds slugging across the sky, choked by pollution. But Dee laughs, and the stars shine a little brighter, the breeze feels a little warmer, the night grows a little quieter. 

Virgil smiles into his mug. 

“You know,” Dee says. Virgil can read his hesitation on the slight stick of the word, in his fingers twining around the soft blankets, in his shoulders shifting and tightening. “We’re gonna make it, you and I.” 

Virgil tears his gaze away from Dee’s hands, their eyes locking together. He can’t see the color of Dee’s eyes in the darkness, not really, but the shine of the fairy lights and Virgil’s memory fill in the striking green easily enough. 

Dee’s staring at him like he can solve the world’s problems. No -- not the world’s problems. Dee’s problems. Like Virgil could say the word and his worries would vanish, dissipating in the cool spring air. 

Virgil doesn’t know what to do with this power. 

For now, though, he’ll keep stealing Dee’s nights, holding his time hostage as they soak in the city and each other’s company. 

Virgil doesn’t reply. He sets his mug down on a blanket-less surface to prevent spilling. He shifts, shrinking the space between them inches at a time and tangling their fingers together. 

He holds Dee’s hand with reverence, memorizing the creases and calluses for the dozenth time. I know, he says in brushing his thumb against the back of Dee’s hand. We’ll make it together, he adds, pressing nimble fingers against Dee’s strong wrist. 

Dee hums. One of his hands still holds the mug but his other slides easily into Virgil’s own halting Virgil’s wordless conversation. 

He leans back against the pillow, peering up at the tangle of metal stretching above them. Up, up, up, all the way to the apartments Virgil and Dee cannot afford, even in such a run down building as this one. 

“Roman?” Virgil asks, cutting through the gentle softness of the night. They aren’t soft, not exactly. They have jagged edges, torn through situations neither likes to talk about, but sitting on a fire escape surrounded by soft things sometimes allows them to forget. 

Like a game of pretend. Like sitting together, two shattered people trying to claw their way back up, this time legally, like sitting in the quiet and talking about easy topics will change their life. 

Well. Virgil considers. It has changed their life, even a little bit, hasn’t it? 

Dee shifts. His thumb runs circles against Virgil’s wrist. Virgil catches the glint of a smile. “He said we’re in it for the long haul,” he says. He turns to look at Virgil as he says it, and Virgil’s hit with the full force of Dee’s grin. 

Every time Dee smiles his entire face transforms. He could topple nations with the quirk of his lips alone. 

Virgil, though. His chest swells up, emotion thrumming against every nerve, and he smiles back. 

Dee looks away first, looking overwhelmed. They’re closer than they were before, their shoulders pressing. Virgil can feel warmth through the many layers of clothing between them. 

Dee takes a breath, staring pointedly at the world beyond them, and continues. “Roman got a callback for a travelling group. The callback is scheduled for next week. If he makes it, he’ll have a five month tour. If he lands a good spot, I’ll be with him.”

“That’s a long time,” Virgil says out loud. He leans, dropping his head against Dee’s shoulder. I don’t want you to leave but I want you to go. 

“Yeah,” Dee says, instead of the thousand other thoughts that Virgil knows are swirling around his head. Such as, come with me. Live with me. Leave your apartment, quit your shitty office job, become an author a poet an artist, the person you always wanted to be. Write that song. Laugh. Paint a picture so gorgeous everyone will stop and stare. Live. 

Dee settles his head against the top of Virgil’s, the two of them curled together like birds seeking warmth. “Yeah,” he says instead. 

They don’t have arguments on the fire escape. It’s their ever present unspoken rule, and Virgil knows that Dee feels just as strongly about the sanctity of existing together in a space never tainted. 

They talk about life, but not about movement. 

But, maybe this once… 

“Maybe,” Virgil whispers. The words steal away in the darkness, lost in the rumble of car engines and sounds of the city. 

Dee tenses. His arm, which has slipped around Virgil’s back, holds him tighter. Virgil can read the questions in his movement. The hope beaming out of the cracks in Dee’s facade. 

“Not now,” Virgil says. He knows the words leave a lot up to interpretation; not now what? Not now, Virgil can’t move? Can’t uproot his life? Not now, he can’t deal with hard questions? 

But Virgil just knows, he knows between the subtle shifts and parted lips, that Dee caught his meaning. Not now. Virgil can’t talk about this right now. But Virgil knows Dee also caught the underlying later. 

Virgil exhales. Between the glitter of the fairy lights and the city beyond them, Virgil feels wrapped in a little bubble of his own making. 

Safe. 

Dee moves, just enough to set his own mug down and settle more completely against Virgil’s form. I love you, Virgil says, in tapping against Dee’s thigh, in melting in Dee’s arms. 

A quiet moment, the city sounding so, so far away, then; I love you too, Dee says, fingers sliding against Virgil’s arm, cheek pressed against the crown of Virgil’s head. 

Virgil doesn’t have a balcony. He doesn’t have the money for it. 

But wrapped in Dee’s arms, lights glittering around them, the night loud far away but quiet where they sit, he thinks that maybe a balcony isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. 

After all, Virgil has never been more content than when he’s sitting on his fire escape, Dee by his side. 

I’ll put some thoughts and spoilers before i head to bed behind the cut 

Dark Phoenix was always going to be a problem.

I’ll start this off by saying that overall it was fine. I mean its a Fox X-men movie so it was never going to knock your entire socks off. Its goofy and over the top in some places but I’d say out of the lot of them this was surprisingly the most grounded? Acting wise? 

But at the same time feels tired? lol That sounds mean. All the fun quippiness of the x-men movies is gone and that’s to be expected. And there’s some moments that are really really cool to finally see (Kurt finally battling for real. Jean Grey turning those dudes to oreo dust. Jessica Chastain’s lack of eyebrows)

So like.....its not a BAD movie.

But its also .....very bad in a lot of places. Most notably in that all heroes that die are women.

None of the male heroes die. 

NONE. OF THE MALE HEROES DIE.

There’s a point where I think oh shit Magneto is gonna die. And he doesn’t. For seemingly no real reason. Jessica’s character has no reason to keep Mags alive AND he tried to kill her with many a gun. AND she HAS the power to kill him.

This might be obvious from the trailers but fairly early on Mystique dies. NOW ...inside baseball I have no idea if this was really because JLaw was done with this series and wanted to do other things OR if she’s really tired of having to pretend to be in love with an Ex-boyfriend of hers. OORRRR if its just good ol’ fashioned the director/writer hates women. 

And there’s a moment there that it seems REALLY IMPORTANT character wise. Where Raven and Jean have this familiarity like a mother and daughter ONLY ITS NEVER SHOWN OR CAPITALIZED ON. A character like Jean who kills her mother but doesn’t know it and has this absence of a mother could have leaned just as heavily on Raven as she did on Charles. But you only ever see the relationship between Charles and Jean and its BARELY EVEN THERE. And she’s talking to Jean saying we’re family I lvoe you and then Jean accidentally kills her....and Raven isn’t shown or thought up again with Jean aside from when she won’t admit to Magneto that she killed her.

And aside from “Righteous Male Anger” from Erik and Hank.....its not even a plot point? Raven just dies.

So that’s dead woman 1 (Not counting Jean’s mom)

Now its a plot point that Jean’s dad doesn’t die. So I get that.

But then Magneto’s lady friend who I don’t even think we learn her name??? She’s not an X-man that I recognize but has psychic powers. She seems important to him at lest in a right hand man kinda way.

Like I guess the rest of Magneto’s henchmen die but her’s is the only one you see. She is uselessly killed.

And then of course there’s Jean and Jessica who die a big firey death.

And okay.

That’s three heroes. One villain. One plot point wife/mom. 

FIVE WOMEN.

FIIIIIVEEEE WOMENNNNNNNN who are main characters. That die for this movie.

Like honestly for a moment I was real damned worried about Storm.

All the male heroes in this movie are fine. I think Braids-whips guy is okay (could be dead? not sure)

And it IS a plot point that Charles has his head so far up his ass he behaves really carelessly after Raven dies but there’s also no.....there’s no weight to anything in this movie.

Like ...it ends on a high note in that Charles and Erik are basically going to run away together to Erik’s hippy mutant commune and play chess and fuck for eternity while the Phoenix Force flies around the sky forever.

But honestly if your whole point was going to make a movie about that you should have just made the How Erik Gets his Groove back movie instead.

The reason why I say Dark Phoenix was always going to be bad because whenever men right power fantasies and women (Jean Grey, Madeline Pryor, Wanda Maximoff) gain HUGE amounts of strength that even the men, THEIR BOYFRIENDS OR HUSBANDS OR BROTHERS!!!!!, can’t stop then the only way to deal with them is to kill them. Meanwhile Magneto literally has the power to reverse the magnetic pull of the planet. Apocalypse keeps coming back for whatever reason. Nate Grey is back and acting like whacky murder Jesus but you know he won’t DIE or if he does he’ll come back.

But its always these kinds of stories where like Oh no. We love her so much!!! but she’s C R A Y Z E E now. She can’t CONTROLLLLLL this HUUUUUGE power!!! Like she has the right to VOTE or choose what to do with her bODY!!!!She knows SCIENCE and can READ and do MATH!!!

is what it always seems like when I read these stories of female characters who become OP and the male writers never know what to do with them other than WE HAVE TO STOP THEM.

SOMEHOW!!

WITH OUR SAD MAN TEARS!!!!!!!!!!

So. It was always going to be rough watching Dark Phoenix. But I didn’t think they wanted to One Up the MCU one important female characters who just fucking bite it for no real reason.

Im not sure where to start although i feel like i alwyas start with that.My mom says i seem to be doing  alot better and inn truth i am. I feel more myself and joyous and mre personality, and than theres still an emptiness that creeps in. The sort of weird shame feeling i used to get in mornings or without a shirt on, i got it today after grabbing clothes from my moms. maybe this is just a personal issue but im trying not to isolate myself in my emotions. TI appreicate and find it hard to understand the idea of common humanity. It is true humans all epereince these emotions and it is only to ones disadvantage when we tell ourselves were the only ones who have ever felt these emotions. In truth we are the only ones who experience things given we all have different perspectives, childhoods, personalities, and biology of our brains.. yet i think that an important to try to find the common humanity. empathy, relating to one another. we are more alike than we are different. YOu know when your on the freeway and you wonder where are all these people going. Myabe some are picking up there kids, going to a booty call, stopping to grab bananas at the store, and we wont ever know, everyone is all doing there own thing, eveyone is jsut driving just going to work doing things and im wo dering if anyone else is freaked out about what is happening. Why the hell are we here?n why iseveryone not freaking out with the little time we have, i want to make the most out of what is happeing i dont want to waste any more time not being  where i want to be, i wanted to be skinny so i can go on with my life. But i geuess thats alos the point of life. ive been so worried about living that i havnt actually been living. Im failing at an attempt to handle my shit. I look back on the past and how come i can only think, mostly think of the bad things. The relationships that i shouldve ended sooner cuz i didnt really lvoe them as i thought love would be. THey were all merely a disspointment. That sounds rude but to put it this way i alwyas thought there was something better for me. MY parents used to say at times “its never enough for you katie” maybe that is true. maybe im never satisidef. Maybe it was because they were tired and had tried there best and i failed because my needs wernt meant. not that they were needs. I think back to guys ive hooked up with and wish i had higher standards. why did i find satisfaction in attention from people that didnt even care about me. WHen guys used me and i was glad to let them. Especailly when i had previous ly had crsushes on them. FUCK BOYS WITH J names. i dont know why im writing as if im writing a story. maybe it makes it easier maybeim trying to articulate my thoughts into something there not. I think about things that have happened and hope i can maybe use them as a testimony maybe ill meet the love of my life adn get to share all these stories... but i dont things play out like that and thats a weird perspective to have on things thsat occur. Like as if im a narrator. I would get so ecited to send cute pictures of myself when i was  baby and show my boyfriends, or share things with them but then i realized something. they dont care, well definlty not like me. That ecitement about it is not the same as the one im epereiecning and when i was sent baby pictures of them, i didnt feel that warmth in my heart. maybe that makes me a bitch or emotionally disconnected. but how do i know if im feelin. what connections have i made. I used to want to be under the influence and gina my therapist said that people go to substances to feel connection. When i was on coke, life was beautiful i could talk to anyoe and everyone adn words flowed so well. In my head, looking back i probably looked like a crack head and thats the reality of it. I can manipulate my reality but to what is its value if its a lie. if no one else feels or sees what im seeing. ona  nother thought  i think we can make up these sotries in our heads that arnt even true. like somone tells us something or we feel a certain way about ourself so and it ends upso our whole olives our affected by this painting in our head only to find out no one sees what were seeing. my dad said that we can change the past, welll we can change our past by changing how we look at it. and i think if we could grasp it it would change our lives. I think that i could look back and not feel that shame, or not feel that embarressment. But am i not a sum of all the words thoughts and actions ive done or had uot o this point? thats depressing, but if it were something i was proud of then yes i would like to be. but the truth is all wehave is the now and you can start now being a totally different person, but you cant run away from all the consequences of the past i guess they jsut dont matter if you decide to change. but then what about bridges burned. i guess my plan b ina  sense is to run away to another country. but then theres legal issues and this whole system and ates and bad guys and tso m8uch to worry about that i dont feela  sense of freedom. my information is online and under a sytem and i undertsadn why i just wish everything could be quiet for sa sec. mayeb i dont want to be aktie stowers anymore. I get jealos of girls born and raised pretyy. all ive done is starved myself in the process of becoming what i want to be but thats not even me. if i have to starve to et there then i feel as though i dont actuallyl deserve to be skinny. and i fee l so vain for obsessing over this fucking thought. iw anted to be skinny this is what ive said from the beginging can someoine please help me do it. the probelm is that im in treatment for anoreica sub purge type and the reality is that i cant lose weight withought going to etreme measures. it became the most important thing in my life and ive been strung up on the same thought since fucking march of 2018. talk about time wasted. although i know thats no way of looking at it. ive learned lessons and have ad so many beautiufl things happpen. I get told very kind things about myself. i wonder if im actually a kind person or i only do things simply to be a kind person. if eel kinda selfish but i guess we all are. i mean think about how amny bad things are happening in this world and children starving and here i am buying things i dont need anf focuing on myself. but im not doing anything about it. i mean i try to tip etra give to homless ifi can i just feel guilt because i could be doing more but ijalso know that im not responsibly to save the world. jsut seems wrong the way things are. thats why i believe everyone goes to heaven. maybe because i cant wrap my head around the possily fact that barrett wouldnt and also becasue the idea of eternal damnation dosnt seem like the character of a god i want to serve. i see so much bullshit in the church and i just dont know . am i jsut angry. I became so jdugemntal of those judging me and thats just as worse but when theres almost a cluba nd you dont fit into there critera it fucking hutts. and that dosnt feel liek jesus i think jesus wouldnt let us be seperated by rleigion or if you drank last weekend. I think we should all unite and love each other and thats what reallly matters. yet here i am obsessed over being skinny. im down to 4 hour as of yesterday and i feel so much better i do. i just wish i could have one long 2 day therapy session whre i fucking figure out all my shit. ive gone to so much therapy and its been etremly helpful i jsut dont wanna waste anymore time with this baggage. I dont wanna go a minute longer when i could giure all this out. i guess what im saying is i want my life tp be an open canvas and not be unravveling and my childhood issues poopping up.. i want to go into the fututre knowing what i know adn epeireicning my life as it plays out. but i am 18 ishouldnt be thinking this much into things huh i should just let it be and lvie my life. i should be doung homework an teting my frienfds or going on a date. but thats not ther eality of things and alos i think ill look abck and things will be different. IOm also int reatment rn so oviously my situation is not exactly normal. i really do love to write i used to always want to be an author. but i dont kno0w anymore. i jsut dont really like how the sytem works i hate how we all have to go to college amd study things i dont give a fuck about and then some struggle at there 9-5 to merely surve eand ig uess i dont like the thoughr of that. and i know were suppsoed to find joys in the little things i think things are jsut freaking me out. iw ant to quit smoking nicatine but everyday i go out and do it. ig uess that meanns i dont really want to stop because if i did i would. i  and then i feel slightly guilty and opackiy because his is the only boduy im given. like does that not freak everyone out. this is the only way we are able to eperience life. think about how quickly it can be ended. i think that is too much pwier overmyself. nmot that im suicidal but i do think i hgave the power to find out super son what is after this life. judgment day, pure nothingness, maybe ill become a=one of the many ants i ahev enjoyed killed as a punsihemtn for msyelf. or hoe[fully and maybe ill entire a heaven with a lovuing god. a state of being with loved ones. I think thats why people like the idea of heavn the idea that you will see people later. but that discount the factof pain. when someones child dies they dont feel any less pain because a verse about being reunited with the,. because the truht im scared to tyee is that theres a possibility heaven isnt rela. and the loved one that is lost will never be in your reaach again.i feel sad for how ome peoples lifeves go. i hope they get a chance in the after life to have what they wanted. but then i think abotu abd guys. i wouldnt want them in my heaven. i guess maybe who we all our at our core is who would be in heaven beyond all the nasty. yet i dont believ flesh is nasty and i dont believ trying my whole life to not be something i was made to be. if my flesh is evil adn mankind is doomed what the fuck is that. i dont think god would set us upnto fail and i believ ehe understands we are human. and gpd is god and god knew everything that was going to happen up to npw. u know whats crazy is that on the time line we are on the edge of what is to come. being aluive rn. and its crazy that i wont be here in 100 years. ill be merely history. but rn we are whats happneing 7:12 november 11th. we are up to datebecause we are merely aliver. unless there is different universes and this is m,erely a simulation. but besides the point. barrett was talking about just how many books songs and information there is. that makes me pancik there is so many people so many things i could learn and musici could listen to that no one can listen to it all. maybe theresa song out there that is my favorite son that ill never get to lsiten to but i gues si jsut have to trust that the universe ligns up as it should and my life will happen as it should. and alll these things are happneing and were floating in the middle of space and yet i feel like people arnt freaking out. like what hthe actual fuck is happneing. and why do iu want to soedn my one life doing shit that dosn matter or something i dont even love. but thats how life works because you have to have moneya nd i do love bying things. and i jsut need to relax. because when people look back on there past they think if i could only tell msyelf its going to be okaya nd to have fun. why cant i do taht i mean i can but tehn these thughts come in. iwant to be skinny i also love food. starving was easy and i like d seeing my bones show,. i wanted people to see me and know i was hurting but people dont wanna be sround sa dpeople i guess i just wanted o be rescued. and at the same time it was nice to focus on the thingsd because even if all went ot hell if i restricted enought hat was okay my eating idsorder would tell me that  everything was going to be okay because i was taking care of the one thing i actaully wanted. writing this makes me sound crazy to msyelf. i have so many things i want to larn and do and so having an eating disorder makes me feel limated. amd truly it does limit me. it dosnt allow me to worry and think about these tihngs. i just really want to be skinnya dn i dont know where this started or why its so impiortant but i just am not a fann of my boyd. and i know tis terirble because im more than m y body and i know i cant stave mtyself and i know that this makes me self cenetred i know that it didnt pkay out as the damsel in distress that i wanted i know wthat i pushed loved ones away and made desisions taht really arnt alligned with my values because truly i didnt care i just wanted to get skinny i know i didnt look healthy bu in my mind that s the best ive eever looked. i know that the husband i meet is going to lvoe me for whats beond my appreance so it dosnt matter and getting atention from others isnt satisying and only leaves me feeling empty i knwo lifes to short to count your calories, to walk around feeling fraila nd loung every seconds. to reach 109 and not see a body close to what was at 116. to talk about numbers because they w]makr improtant parts of my life adn to allso swear that i dont care that much about the numbers. i care about the look. but if what they say is true and i ahve body dismprhia thats impossible. they say the eating idpsrder says itll never be enough. it will nevr be satisiuded. “ its never enough katie” never enough

and so maybe its me maybe im just this warped person. why do memories come back so weird and hwy did i have su h weird thoughts a s f\child. why do i get filled with so much rage. somtiems i think im the most grogeous girl and others i want to killmsyelf because i fel worthless. imm not suicdial but i can remeberthe first time i thought about killing kmyself i was in the abck seat of the car my brothers wre all teasing me about soething but for whatecer reason i was upset by it. i remebr crying and thinking how bad thye would feel if i killed myself. i carried this idealation iwht me later on. gina says i used this as a coping skill.w whenevr someone was mean, didnt say the right thing, didnt invite me, or a aprent said something hurtful. o thouhgt about it as if i were a ghost. watching how sad they were that they had not done better with me. that they said those angry words last to me instead of teeling me uhow much they lvoed me. that when they gossiped ghey felt so bad after because i was dead. i sometimes wish i could watch this unfold. but thats demented and evil. my ghost smiling with satifdaction as she watches loved one who id love and people who were simply lvingnthere life be affected by this. what good would it do to me or them. it would ruin them, does thaa amke mf evil. and then i realzie thats not how death wokrs. ill go to  wahtevr is after this.a dm why would i waste my eistence on a disguestingnromantizsm of revenge.  shpuld move on better msyelf and make connections and share with my lovedones hwen theyve hurt me or that i need more love.  i love treamnt. i love the lif3 im having. besids hating my body i love doing art and larning life skills and if eel like pooeple love me for me there and i can really be myself and support others. but i cant live my life in treatment. i want to relapse theres a few pros to this. one i get skinny againa dn can take pcitures while im skinnya dn try to do it a healthier way. 2 i can jsut go back to treatment and 3 thats a big fuck you to insuracne and theyll realize i coudlve used more help. my ancupucture lady said i need to let people help me adn its tru. i can read boooks hae copnversations go toa therapist but what goofd does it do if its not evn sticking with me. if i dont allow it to change me. im so stuck in that i want to be skinny. but im also tired of haojng my body, the thought about being okay iwht my body is sad to. ill jsut be ugly and not care? amd i wont be ablr to beas beautiful as i want to be. the law of attraction streases me out to because what if everytihng im writing is manif3sting as we speak. hut io cant just iugnore all thse thoughts. its good to journl ane write. i smoked the other night and told susan and brooke but lied to my treatment team. but honestly i was anxious the whole time and outside of playing with myself and dougna  trippy spiritaul mediaiton itwasnt the best time. it ,made me realize i enjoy beig sober bcecause i can do lall the things i want to do and not be stupid and i can be mindful. but then i feel a little desperate at the idea of not having anys ubstances. i sjsut need to create a good ralit y formyself. also i just don tfeel like im the little blon girl in my baby photos like me and her arnt \even the same person but i am i am her in 18 year old form. i jsut dont even know who i am or whats happening. iw ant to chilla dn i need to find balance. maybe this is because my brain has more room oto think about thoings. it kinda hurts me that my mom dsont know that much about eating disorders but yet she says she knows how bad these thionhd can get. likes he can talk so much about me needing help and this and that and yet she hasnt veen taken the tiem to udnerstand what it is im goi g throug. but i shoudlnt epect her to i dont evn knkw what is happneing. cons of relasping is more time wwasting life farther form my hoal. what is my goal all i can think abou t is working on my body bye cercising and eating healthy after treatment. iu dont underdstand why people dopnt think this is a huge thing for me. it makes it so i cant wear what. im so tired of caring. i want to get out of my head. but reality is i am katie and i have to deal wiht whats going on it dosnt do any good whining about it. another con is that my family would be disapinted. im kinda scared i ahev cancer ir im going ot die and jus stop breatinh. its probaly jsut anxiety . nbut i think about the drugs ive done and all that ive smoked and when ive starved and i wonder if im jsut shutting gdown. but i guess were all shutting down. but you cant tell kids these tihngs they dont care and they wouldnt undertsnad. i guess im jsut freaking out at my very eistence. im also very thankful to ebe alive. the fact were all ehsiting rn is crazy i think everything happens for a reason and theres a beautiful lessona nd “work of art called love” desinged by the creator. i ksut dpnt think itds what people think its actaully is. julian is just dsigusing why was i ever ino him. but i cant stop 16 year old me by being into him. but he really wasa dick adn oi dont think hes aw the value in me. my idea of him thinking that was because hesa  lot uglier than me or the line in fredys song where he says “ why would a girl like you fall for a guy like me” and he saud thatr eminded him of us i thought that was so sweet. MO that dosnt mean he values me. why was i so okay with accepting bullshit.a nd nathan. i really liked nathan we were bestfriends. but i got really cazy jealous. i was supposed to eat2 and ahalf hours ago and im not rally hungry. hence my hunger ques are off. i lost 4 lbs over the weekedn and im on weight restoration i was given till friday before i have tonadd even more additions because im not supposed to be lsoing weight. but i dint feel sad baout it. i felt eciteed i guess my bodys ina  place where it can lsoe weight easily. i feel like i should take advantage of it. is this litterally the eating disorder tuyping as we speak am i poseed. it is katie stowers. i guess thats what an eating idorder does. i think i ought to steer clear of caffense and weed. make things a little less harde.r and truly i shuld try to quit nicatine. ots just so nice to do but i think i ought to just not do it. i think idts a porblem because i can already mpciture me going outside after break and smoking. “evntually ill quit shes aid” when i quoted julien baker in her song ahppy to be hee to esther it says “ i miss you the way that i miss nicatine” she waled away after. felt a little judged honeslt and i dont think it was cuz of me but i am better than to smoke nicatine. i think im gonna not do it tomorow. adn if i succeed well see about friday. but it is a hbit i shoudl break. but anyways theres a lot to worry about and be ecited about to and im having a hard time manging it all. and i opuld go on times ten of whats been happneing in my brain ina  therap y session but it dosnt happne.

People I’d like to get to know better

Tagged by @ae-arts

Name/alias: Izzy

Birthday: May 17

Zodiac sign: taurus babeyyyy

Height: 5′8″

Hobbies: sleeping, taking naps, complaining about being tired..... in all seriousness drawing on my notes and writing fic for hours on end

Favorite Color: PURPLE

Favorite Book: either The Dream Thieves by Maggie Stiefvater or House of Hades by Rick Riordan,,,got good memories w those

Last song I heard: Heaven is a Place on Earth by Belinda Carlisle

Last Movie I watched: I honestly don’t know... I think it was Swiped (with noah centineo)

Inspiration for my muse (s): what does this MEAN I just like.. write... i like to project?? is that what this is asking

Dream job: what a concept. a job i’d enjoy having. I think i could enjoy being a cake decorator again if the job environment wasn’t horribly toxic like it was at my last decorating job.

Meaning behind the URL: I was into the raven cycle at the time and my socks had alpacas on them that day.

Tagging: no one because I’m about to be late for a work thing but if you see this consider yourself tagged!! I lvoe all yall!!!