any tips/advice for someone who is not catholic who wants to participate in lent? like how to choose what to give up etc?

Cheers to not letting Catholics have a monopoly on Lent, beloved! Last year I answered a similar ask that might be helpful. Here are the thoughts I have right now!

[CW: discussion of eating/fasting in italics] My most important note/disclaimer: Fasting is not for everyone. It is a beautiful tradition (for Catholics and non-Catholics) that can change people's lives, but if it's going to be a part of your practice, do it on purpose, knowing yourself. It inherently changes your relationship with food--and for people who have always had enough to eat, who have never struggled with disordered eating, who have never been seriously ill, there can be a solidarity and new perspective in fasting, in realizing how sensory experiences and comfort and mortality go together, how privileged you are to have the choice to go hungry. But for those who have struggled with food insecurity, or have lived through/live with eating disorders/disability/illness, or any other experience/relationship with food/the body that changes your perspective, fasting will often be a re-traumatizing or triggering practice that doesn't change your perspective so much as reinforce unhealthy ones. Something I think about: why fast if you cannot feast? Lenten fasting brings us to Easter feasting--if that's not accessible to you, if that wouldn't be joyful or affordable or healthy, fasting probably isn't either. Okay, all that said:

There is so much diversity in what a Lenten practice can look like, and I can't tell you what will be most meaningful for you, but I'll give you some ideas and some questions that have been helpful for me to ask myself! Lent existed way before the Catholic/Protestant divide, and exists among so many diverse communities, and there is a path here for you if you want one.

"Giving up something" is the most common language used for Lent--fasting technically refers to anything abstained from--and generally that's really useful! Jesus's forty days in the wilderness was time that he had nothing but God, and during Lent we can get closer to that experience. I give things up not as punishment or a test of self-control (those ideas trigger unhealthy behavior patterns for me), but as a letting go of something that is in my life but doesn't need to be, and may deserve reconsidering. Sometimes it's a bad habit, but sometimes it's just a conscious allowing of my life to grow simultaneously smaller and bigger. There is space for grief during Lent, but we're not just making ourselves feel bad--I've never found forced emotions to be spiritually helpful. Emotions come and go--we're doing this on purpose, and whatever we feel about it, we make space for that.

Ideas of things to give up:

eating out/getting coffee/buying drinks/little treats

impulse buying/nonessentials (you could pick a category, like clothes, or go all out)

alcohol/drugs/smoking (if this would be starting a recovery journey, I am not the person to ask for advice on that but please do seek help)

social media (you could choose one app to give up, or set time limits--it doesn't have to be all or nothing)

scrolling-on-your-phone time before bed/another time when you get sucked in

another form of casual entertainment (like TV/video games--again, you can limit this rather than cutting it out)

sexual activity (I talked about this here)

makeup/other appearance-related thing (I must confess I have considered doing this and always chickened out. I know that's because it would force me to rethink too many things, which is a probably a sign I should do it one of these years.)

a social habit, like gossiping or getting into arguments online

overscheduling/not having rest days (this is often unavoidable, but rest is necessary and holy, and perhaps this is the season for sacrifice in honor of rest)

single-use plastics/another environmental choice

Note: I don't think any of these things are inherently bad things. This is a list of things we can change/investigate our relationship with or have a season without them as a distraction, not things I think we shouldn't be doing or we should feel bad about.

One of the most important things I've realized is that so often I have given something up and not done anything about it. Like I didn't watch TV for forty days and was mad about it and then Lent was over and I watched TV again. Perhaps this strengthened my self-discipline, or made my life better in a way known only to God, but ultimately nothing happened. I didn't consciously do anything else, I didn't learn anything.

Now, when I give up something, I purposely do something with whatever space it leaves. If I'm not watching TV, what am I going to do when I would usually watch TV? Am I gonna pray? go to bed earlier? call my grandmother? Am I gonna cancel my Netflix subscription for a couple months and donate that saved money? Or maybe I'm gonna give up watching mindless TV, and find stories that resonate and make me think. Don't give things up to check a box, but to reexamine your relationship with them, make everyday things sacred, fill the space/time/money/energy you now have with God, and ultimately to set this time apart.

The other way of looking at Lent practices is things you can add. Often, as I mentioned, they go together--you can pair up something you're no longer buying with somewhere to donate to, or give up an activity and replace it with a new one. I always caution against Lent-as-self-improvement--obviously I can support improving our habits, but I've seen too many people use Lent to restart their new year's workout plans, and while exercise can be a way to care for ourselves, if new year's and Lent are treated the exact same way, what's different about this season? What makes this Lent?

One of the questions I've been asking myself recently is: What are you gonna do about it? When I'm investigating a belief, or learning something new, or reframing an old thought process, I ask myself: What am I gonna do about it? Lent is a path to Holy Week--something I and many others commemorate as the week when God was put on trial and literally killed. I genuinely believe God died and was resurrected--how does this affect my life? Believing something like that and not letting it change you is, to me, inauthentic. When I'm considering a belief, I think, if this were true, how would it change me? Would it lead me to Love? Lent (and Christianity itself) over and over asks us to do something about what we say we believe. Faith without works is dead--and faith is a work, something I do.

It's almost Lent, which is preparation for the Resurrection, which fundamentally changes our understanding of what it means to be alive--so what are you gonna do about it? Not because doing something will make God love you more or make you a "better person," or even because you'll succeed or change your life, but because how can we not? We are of course welcome at Easter having done nothing, but I can't imagine knowing what's coming and not letting it change me.

Ideas of things to add to our lives:

start a prayer/Bible routine--I can now wholeheartedly recommend (as a Protestant who connects with ancient traditions but not always Catholicism) Phyllis Tickle's Divine Hours books! For Bible study, I like The Bible Project's videos.

read a book--it can be anything that connects you with God! (I had a lovely experience with Lenten Lord of the Rings last year, and this year I'm properly going through the Quran)

pick a subject to research (theological or anything else)

start to attend worship services or commit to attending more--this could include going to several different places if you don't currently belong to a church

research places to volunteer for or donate to

do something politically active, like calling your representatives, researching the next local election, or attending a protest

donate to the next [insert number here] posts you see online requesting mutual aid

start a physical practice like taking a walk or stretching

write a letter or call someone regularly, especially with people you've been wanting to connect with more or have unresolved conflict with

start/commit to more regular therapy/other health treatment

ask for help--maybe you're the one who needs mutual aid, or reaching out to, or support cleaning your house or with your kids. there is no shame in this.

These are all obviously things we can be doing year round, and certainly we can use Lent as a season to start something we want to keep with us! I'd also encourage us to have something that's only present during Lent, or something that we do more or in a different way.

You asked how to choose, and I don't have a one sentence answer to that (...obviously), but perhaps in these days before Lent you can look at your routine/habits, the places where God is present, the things you do to distract yourself from life (not a crime--just something to be mindful of), and you can see where Lent might be able to come in and change you. The thing that's nagging at you that you know might be helpful, the thing you're not in control of and just do, the time you take up or the money you spend that might not be bad but also doesn't lead you anywhere. We can't expect every aspect of our lives to be purposeful and present, or to be continuously improving ourselves (in fact, that sounds terribly stressful and unsustainable)--but we can look around us. We can have a season that looks different because everyone I've ever known has a brain that craves ritual in some way--and either we do it on purpose, or we fall into it. Do something (or don't do something) a little more on purpose this season.

Another think to think about is what Sundays will look like for you--the "forty days" don't count them. There's no fasting on Sundays--my mom says every Sunday is a little Easter. "Sundays in Lent" is such an interesting concept because it's very much Lent, but the rhythm of our weeks breaks through. When I give up soda, I'll have one as a celebration on Sundays, but a prayer/reading practice I'll continue through. It's up to you and depends on what your rhythm/habits ask of you.

Ultimately, let God interrupt you. Let Them seep in the cracks of everything you do and let go of. To be loved is to be changed. Even the smallest thing--like wearing a cross necklace every day--can cause our lives to be filled with noticing God's presence. I keep saying to do this on purpose, but know that I find Them much more often by accident.

And an obligatory note: starting Lent late, stopping your practice halfway through, not meeting a goal, whatever comes up--Easter still comes for you. Lent is for paying attention, for making space, not for perfection.

I also want to add that while a lot of Lenten practices (including most I've mentioned here) tend to be personal, ultimately what is asked of us is interpersonal. We make space in our life and be more present in the name of Love--which we cannot do alone. If a practice is not specifically about other people (like volunteering/donating), ask yourself how it will serve the ways you love others? This isn't a trick question, just something to think about. Personally, my study of the Quran this season will connect me with my Muslim siblings through time and enable me to more fully love the Muslims around me, and my rhythm of the divine hours will connect me with the wider Christian community and center me as I go about my day, allowing me to be more present in my relationships.

Easter comes whether we're ready or not--and I don't think we can be ready. But we can look at the small parts of ourselves, set this time apart, see what we can change our relationship with, and perhaps when Easter comes, we will every year have come that much closer to understanding what it means to live out the resurrection by honoring the death that came first.

Wishing you a blessed almost-Lent, and praying for you and your practice (as well as all those reading this)!

<3 Johanna

q!Forever & q!Bad, comedy and tragedy are two sides of the same coin

(little meta rp analysis & appreciation)

Comedy and tragedy- complimentary concepts when it comes to the dynamic that is these two characters.

Their lore together is truly like a soap opera to me in the way it operates, entertaining in how goofy it is- I laughed so much during interrodate. They had a whole elaborate musical prank war over a stolen gun (which neither of them even had, they’re just too dedicated to the bit.) The first thing they say to each other after q!Forever returns from the nether is “You look terrible!” 💀 and my guy gifted a bloody chainsaw as the flower of the day to q!Bad in purgatory 1 which was happily accepted.

Even when the characters show attraction for each other, it’s usually through some ridiculous romcom thing. q!Forever is in love with q!Bad dressed as pink barbie and thinks photos of her are the best gift a person could ever receive?? 🤨 q!Bad daydreams about q!Forever as a lobster with blonde hair and a six-pack??? brother be projecting him onto larry the lobster from spongebob squarepants dude what is wrong with them 😭 sometimes I wonder how they’re able to do all these bits in improv and take it seriously, it’s impressive

The characters are not normal, their relationship is not normal, it cannot be viewed normally. the ccs know exactly what they’re doing in creating whatever *gestures* this is, and it’s amazing. over the top, cute, played perfectly for comedy

But the characters aren’t just that, you can’t have them without the inverse 🎭 like a punch to the gut after all the sillies, they really know how to do tragedy well.

I very much look forward to whenever they’re at the top of their angst game, bc they both LOVE to make their cubitos suffer. to an insane degree. My god these two can’t go 3 days with their characters experiencing some peace and joyful whimsy, they *must* rp their ocs actively dying, horribly diseased, going crazy

And they go hard with it. I’m very serious when I say multiple times during the lore I’ve had to get up and walk away to calm down because it was too intense. super special shoutout to the q!Forever first happy pills arc stream & October 1st q!Bad psychotic breakdown stream. I’ve never been so shocked as I was watching those live, the stamina to do highly emotional rp like that is actually nuts. some of the most angsty mfs on this server fr (the #1 spot goes to quackity though. hey maybe i’ll make a tierlist)

So when Bad & Forever bring the best of their angst ability into serious rp interactions together that Aren’t comedic…? we are in for a treat. that talk they had right when q!cellbit died to the code, the richas rescue mission, the election, voting arguments, post-ron kidnapping, colorblind test/therapy, flower of the day. many scenes that are seared into my mind, but none is more so than The Happy Pills Proposal. goosebumps whenever I think about it… the scene ever. the way it was framed, the lines they said, how it had tense, chilling buildup before a literal explosion. how are these people capable of doing the most silly things and then turning around to stab us in the heart 50 times

So you bet I’m crossing my fingers for a meeting between @v@ & q!Bad. Forever is absolutely killing the role so far. If q!Bad gets involved I can already taste the glorious angst…. since he has specific traumatic experience in also being possessed, & having killed his possessed friends in another life. he recalled the memory when talking about how to save q!Forever last night. fun! *shaking*

anyways that’s all :D love these characters, I had been wanting to do a little meta appreciation post for a while so I thought why not now ^^

Everyone seems to think it was so romantic when Tim said "I can't lose you the way I lost her", but I honestly can't.

To me it implies that he's ok with losing Lucy in any other way, just not in that especific way he lost Isabel.

Like his biggest fear is not losing Lucy, is going through those traumatic events again.

Which is totally valid and understandable, but I fail see romance in that. I just see Isabel's shadow looming over their relationship.

I really enjoy your analysis, help me see what others see. Thanks!

To be honest, I don't know if romantic is the word I'd use either, though I can understand this perspective… I can't speak for others, of course, but what resonated with me is the humanity and the extreme vulnerability that Lucy and Tim portrayed in this scene. This is about them sharing their deepest fears and that is something incredibly intimate and personal. Important too.

To me it implies that he's ok with losing Lucy in any other way, just not in that especific way he lost Isabel. I mean, if you were to take this out of context, maybe… But as it is, this sentence doesn't exist in a vacuum. Never mind that we're talking about the same man who was ready to cross a line when Lucy was missing, who needed to embrace her for a while to reassure himself she was alive… Earlier in the episode, he practically had a heart attack watching her get shot at and was only able to breathe again once he saw she was unharmed. He was still so rattled that it almost cost him his life a few minutes later. So no, this isn't a man who is even remotely OK with losing her, regardless of the way. And I don't think this is what the writers intended to imply.

Let's get back to what Tim says : 'Listen, I need you to take it seriously if I ever sound the alarm about something. Otherwise, the pain of what I went through will have been for nothing, and I can't lose you the way I lost her'. There's something so profoundly human and relatable in how he is trying to find a meaning behind his pain. To convince himself that what he went through must have been for something. This is how many react after a tragedy or a trauma. And for him, the meaning is related to Lucy. In his mind, if his experience can help her avoid some of the pitfalls of undercover work, can ensure that they make it through, then his pain wouldn't have been for nothing… He's trying to find a way to turn a traumatic experience into something positive.

Like his biggest fear is not losing Lucy, is going through those traumatic events again. See, I understand this part a bit differently - I think his biggest fear is to see LUCY go through something like that. To lose HER that way. Watching the people you love lose themselves and their light fade away while being powerless to stop it, is soul crushing. It's brutal. He barely survived it with Isabel… Going through that all over again, with Lucy, who is so empathetic, who has been his light from the start, would be completely devastating. This isn't just reliving his trauma that terrifies him… It's reliving it with Lucy. And this fear is particularly tangible in that moment… Because Isabel just came back into his life. Everything is a bit more tender, more raw. Especially since they spent time talking about her time as an undercover agent. That had to stir up some memories. You can't erase life experience. And a few days later, Lucy had to go undercover… where she could have died. Tim can be very good at compartmentalising, but not so much when it comes to her. By the time they made it back to her apartment, he was reaching his boiling point. And fear took over.

I do think it was important for Lucy to make sure he understood she was different. Otherwise, it is unfair to her. And they needed to have this conversation. To set some boundaries. But I'm not really sure Isabel's shadow is looming over their relationship either… Until that episode, he had never said anything to indicate such a thing - with the exception of his outburst in 3.06. And notice that this was pre-relationship and right after his friend ODed. Other than that, he has been nothing but supportive, even going as far as encouraging Lucy to go to UC school. So it's not like there is a pattern. Yet. Who knows where this storyline will go.

The way I see it, relationships are not about perfection. It's about communicating even when it's hard, it's about choosing someone with all their flaws, not despite of them. It's about finding someone who can help you carry your baggage and who you can help carry theirs. Because we all have baggage. Some bigger than others, but we all do. And this is where I can see the romantic aspect. Because none of this is new to either of them. Lucy knew all about his hang-ups and Isabel and Tim knew all about her choice of doing undercover work. And yet, they both chose to take that leap of faith, they both believe that the other is worth the effort and the risk. They choose to communicate, even when their instincts would be to pretend that everything is alright. They choose each other and help each other when it's hard, when it gets uncomfortable… And that's romantic to me. I can understand if you feel differently though. I hope this answers your question :)

coanda effect chapter seventeen... my heart exploded like a supernova and my body turned into a sorry pile of particles charged with agony and grief, WHY must you hurt me so beautifully??

in all seriousness though, your writing has given me very serious brain rot (including a new hyperfixation, it seems). i salute your creativity when it comes to the narrative format, the way you craft your narration incorporating all those different forms of media coverage is genuinely ingenious!!! and your use of the unreliable narrator?? HELLO???

i need you to know that the metaphor about keeping your hands on/off the steering wheel while crashing hasn't escaped my mind ever since i read it in the chapter yesterday, it's such a great way to describe the difference between getou and gojo's coping mechanisms!! so please excuse the rant i'm about to go onto,, getou keeps on grasping for the steering wheel even when things go sideways as it inspires a false sense of control in him, something he so desperately seeks after literally a lifetime of being left at the mercy of sponsors/team principals and depending on someone else's judgement of him and his skills and their willingness to support him, while in reality he's driven forward by outside forces and inertia, something he cannot control anymore, so his reluctance to let go harms him only more. but it simultaneously means that he's the one in the driver's seat, and by steering this or that way he defines his (and his passengers', aka the people closest to him in his life) future. now, gojo is the one who's been taught to take his hands off the wheel when the car is about to crash, and at the moment he feels like it's spun out of the track and keeps spinning without ever meeting the barriers, and — i feel like i'm about to deliver the most insane take ever — if the vehicle this metaphor puts him in is supposed to stand for his relationship with getou, and gojo feels helplessly out of control, and getou, like i said, is the one driving it, then it represents how by taking that chance away from gojo, getou also takes control from him, because you cannot really have any say in the matter you aren't fully aware of, can you? by trying to keep himself safe, by securing his position in the driver's seat and by extension his agency over his own life and the direction which it takes, getou ends up denying gojo the chance to be there for him, to try and work things out together, to try and make staying together work for them. while he's spent his entire career in this sport desperately grasping for control, getou hates being exposed to vulnerability so much that he, consciously or not, denies gojo the comfort of being able to support your loved one when they're hurt and struggling, and also rejects gojo's own vulnerability. and it only results in more hurt... but at the same time it's gojo who allowed the control to slip through his fingers, who let go of the steering wheel, not intentionally, of course, but by distancing himself from the source of his traumatic experience and indulging in his own horribly unhealthy coping mechanisms. ultimately, both getou and gojo are terrible at properly communicating with each other, they're both in the car, co-piloting the disaster they're about to find themselves in. and the fact that the impact of the crash never comes for gojo as him and getou don't fall out with a bang, loudly and ugly, with words spoken in raised voices and accusations of hurt thrown at each other, they just drift apart slowly until there's an uncrossable chasm of miscommunication between them... and the fact that they're still incapable of giving voice to what troubles them, to realise that they're not alright... the fact they lost control yet never hit the barriers because the real crash is still ahead of them... CAN YOU TELL IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE??

aghhh i'm sorry for such a lengthy ask, forgive me if it's just a far-fetched weird gibberish, and please take this as a testament of my overspilling love for your amazing beautiful beautiful writing and characterisation of those beloved idiots, THANK YOU

holy fucking shit. who let you cook. turn off anon RIGHT NOW i need to know who you are.

very long response under the cut with spoilers for chp17

in all seriousness, this is basically the metaphor. idk if ur an f1 fan, but ALL drivers are told, in certain crashes, to take their hands off the wheel, because it can snap when the tyres move, causing injury. most recent example is daniel ricciardo bracing on the wheel in 2023 in his first race back (i cant remember which race that was for the life of me, lol), and breaking his wrist.

there are other reasons for not taking your hands off the wheel ; being frozen, not reacting quickly enough, but some drivers brace with their hands on the wheel as a default.

the false sense of control getou feels is definitely there. he, alone, knows he controls his narrative. hes worked hard against all odds to get here and ultimately this is his dream, his career, his friendship. but there are higher powers at work, both in terms of the sport he participates in and the breakdown of the key relationships in his life. he seperates all aspects of his personal life from his driving so he can focus on the track. but when these factors become something bigger, like his growing grief and his loss of satoru, they become much too big to control and push aside. hence, hands on the wheel, into the wall, he’s more damaged, but he took control and pushed himself into the worst possible outcome, because then it would be over.

satoru is the opposite. his career wasnt his to choose: his dad put him in karting young, all over the world, he was always a prodigy, and since hes been 8, people had been calling him a champion in waiting. sure, he loves racing, but it wasnt his dream. it was just what he fell into. he braces with his hands away from the wheel because hes scared of it hurting. he doesnt want to lose things. he knows hes spinning, he knows hes out of control, and he knows hes going to crash, but at least he’ll walk away with bruises rather than broken bones. the problem with that is that his peers (suguru, shoko, nanami, arguably haibara) are in control and he isn’t. hes scrabbling trying to save his relationships by exercising zero control over them and not making any of his needs clear because hes been taught that he needs to be independent and be someone for others to lean on. and suguru and shoko especially want him to lean on them for support.

that being said, suguru hit the barriers in 2014. he climbed out and walked away. satoru hasnt crashed yet. but hes been thinking he doesnt have to crash, and now the looming inevitability of that confrontation/argument/crash is dawning on him. up until this point, theyve both been unable to be truly vulnerable with each other, and in getous absence, shoko and gojo have built — something. a relationship where they talk, definitely. they lean on each other. they operate in a weird way, but its there.

satoru needs to realise the crash is inevitable, and that things are going to have to hurt to get better. suguru is standing on the sidelines watching and he needs to realise that he can go and pull him out of the car, that they can do this together.

THAT ALL BEING SAID. HOLY SHIT ANON. YOU COOKED. this is an incredible analysis, and its fucking spot on. that metaphor is one of my favourites :)

much luv

How do I write a character who means to be good but does bad things? Like, personality is good but behavior is really bad and hasn't changed for the better

I feel like I'll either dull down the bad or completely hide the good

Good Character Does Bad Things

What is "Bad Behavior?"

First, it's important to define what qualifies as "bad behavior" in your character's world and worldview. In some times and places, an unmarried man and woman spending time alone together would be considered bad behavior. In other times and places, it's no big deal. A group of 20-somethings might get sloshed doing a walking pup tour and it's no big deal, but to a group of devoutly religious 20-somethings, that would be seen as bad behavior. So, make sure you define what qualifies as bad behavior both in terms of your character's society and their personal worldview.

What's Behind the Good Person's Bad Behavior? Although there's not an absolute connection between personality and good or bad behavior (you can have people with great personalities who do bad things, and people with awful personalities who never do bad things), behavior and personality does often flow from the same place. So, regardless of your character's personality, it's very important to first understand why your character does the bad things they do. Here are some of the common causes of bad behavior:

1 - Neurological/Psychological Cause - mental illness, addiction, intellectual/developmental disability, trauma, traumatic brain injury 2 - Self-Preservation - protecting self from physical or mental harm like injury, death, emotional pain, embarrassment, shame, inferiority, guilt, inclusion, exclusion, discomfort, feeling unsafe 3 - Preservation of a Loved One - protecting them from real or perceived threat of injury, death, emotional pain, embarrassment, shame, inferiority, guilt, inclusion, exclusion, discomfort, unsafe 4 - Misinformed/Misguided - they don't know or truly believe the things they're doing are bad, or they're unable to see how they're bad 5 - Righteous Cause - they believe the bad things they do is outweighed by some resulting good, or a result they believe is good, even if they're misguided or misinformed.

Blending the Good with the Bad

Once you know why your otherwise good person is engaging in bad behavior, you can illustrate that conflict in your story. In other words, the conflict between what is seen as good behavior in their world and the reasons behind why they're engaging in bad behavior. Exploring character thoughts and feelings through exposition and through dialogue with other characters will help you illustrate the ways they feel torn between doing what's right and doing what they feel they must do because of self-preservation, preservation of a loved one, or a righteous cause. You can use the observations of other characters (both in exposition if it works with your POV) and in dialogue to illustrate the conflict between what's right in the world and what your character can't help doing either due to a neurological/psychological cause or due to being misinformed/misguided.

I hope that helps!

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listen it’s 2021, nobody can yell at me for my Hot Takes on the w*nchester bros and specifically sam because none of you care about me anymore lmao

and no, I will not be responding to defenses of these things, I just want to yell about this because I can’t stop thinking about it now

I don’t think anything demon!dean said to sam was out of line, not really, because like yeah, it was mean whatever, but sam has said WAY crueler things to and about dean when he was just a normal human person. but dean gets crucified for being a demon and fully expressing himself and his trauma and his feelings? nah fuck that lmao

I’m up to s8 in my rewatch and it’s absolutely wild to me how sam STILL thinks he’s better than dean. not only does he still somehow think he’s smarter, but he also thinks he’s BETTER than dean. that dean’s like, a bad person or whatever - as if both of them aren’t mass murderers ffs

this mans really said “I don’t know if my brother is alive or dead...... hm sucks for him I guess lol.” like yeah, sure, trauma, whatever. everybody handles and processes trauma differently, I know, but seriously sam??? sure, take a couple months if you need it, but just - no effort? didn’t even try? didn’t even do a quick google search? 

just fucking ditched kevin, a SIXTEEN YEAR OLD KID, and then got mad at dean when dean was like “dude wtf is the matter with you this kid was our responsibility” 

fandom ALWAYS wants to talk about how dean’s the more toxic one but damn, dean gets one friend - his first friend who isn’t cas!!! - and sam’s like “lmao this dude has to die” LITERALLY ONLY BECAUSE DEAN KILLED AMY, WHO WAS KILLING INNOCENT PEOPLE (for a good reason, sure, but like, she was still killing innocent people and benny’s out here just minding his own business, stealing AB- negative blood because they can get blood transfusions from any negative blood type!! his old ass wasn’t hurting anybody) and the episode before sam finds out about benny they let kate go be a werewolf and then when dean mentions that to sam about benny he’s like “so?! she was a victim!” and he’s like “and benny hasn’t done anything wrong!” and sam just doesn’t give a shit lmao

he ALWAYS bitches about how dean doesn’t trust him and I’m just sitting here like??? damn bro I WONDER FUCKING WHY. sam only takes responsibility for his actions when it’s convenient for him, generally when he’s being portrayed as the victim, and it!!!!!! [screams into a pillow]

dean’s like “he’s never given me a reason to doubt him” (about benny) and sam immediately goes “well it must be nice to find that” and dean takes a second to figure out what sam’s talking about and it’s just like WOW, didn’t fucking mean it like that, but yeah IT IS NICE SAM TO HAVE A FRIEND THAT THUS FAR HASN’T BETRAYED ME, IT’S A GOOD FEELING like tf is the matter with you dude come on

OH OH OH and when dean came back from hell in s4 sam’s going around like “dean’s weak he can’t handle it” but doesn’t try to help his brother?????? doesn’t offer him emotional support or validation or anything that you should offer someone who’s just been through something profoundly traumatic and is ~*~struggling~*~ to keep themselves afloat. 

listen dean certainly isn’t an unproblematic saint in this relationship specifically, but sam is SO MEAN??? ALL THE TIME??? and I know it’s because especially in the early seasons he associates dean with his dad and him and john never got along because they were too much alike, blah blah blah, whatever,  it’s still not cool to project your trauma onto other people and take it out on them. 

will I ever be over 9.13? no. no I will not, because that was the cruelest thing that could have maybe ever been said to dean, and yeah again, trauma, whatever, but like......... if you’ve been traumatized and your response is to purposefully emotionally devastate someone that you know 1) had no malicious intentions and 2) is emotionally unstable and perpetually suicidal, I’m allowed to hate you wtf??? 

sam knows NOTHING about his brother. 

like ok in the fic that I’ve been writing somebody was like “it’s very in character but edgier but dean didn’t hate john” and listen, I TRULY think that dean hated him in canon. yeah, even in s1. watch 2.01 again, watch the episode where john is possessed by azazel, the dream root episode, I think it’s 12.22 that speech with mary, but like, especially on my rewatch, I cannot read their relationship as anything other than at that point neither one of them liked each other. something happened in between sam leaving and dean coming to get him, and dean went searching for john out of obligation and an excuse to see sam. 

you can’t convince me that john liked dean. of course he loved him, a familial obligation was deeply ingrained in that man, but I don’t think he liked dean at all. I think dean reminded him of mary, I think he thought dean was too soft, and to be completely honest, I don’t think he liked that dean listened to him so easily. john wanted to be in charge, obviously, but he’s such an antagonistic fuck always looking for a fight with somebody, that it probably bothered him that dean didn’t really push back. john didn’t think he was assertive enough, dean just didn’t want to be used as a punching bag, and I’ve always figured there was some sort of blowout after sam left between the two of them and they didn’t really talk much after that. “it was the worst night of my life” is what dean called the night sam left for stanford, and while his little brother leaving would’ve been devastating, I don’t think that alone would qualify it (in season 5, mind you, after hell and the hellhounds and everything) as the worst night of his life. I also think that’s why john was such a POS in s1 when they found him, giving dean shit for the impala, y’know. god, I really fucking hate him lmao

nobody seems to agree with me on this, but sam is very much his father’s son, and that’s why they never got along. the two of them were so much alike (and so self-centered) that they couldn’t help but butt heads together because they both wanted to be the center of attention, and also just enjoy picking fights. and like, I think this is a big reason why dean has a harder time being honest with sam than sam has with being honest with dean. because dean sees john when he looks at sam, and sam just sees dean. and sam’s like “why don’t you talk to me dean” and dean probably just hears his dad making fun of him for being honest or talking about his feelings or yelling at him. 

familial/generational trauma genuinely makes it hard to interact in meaningful and productive ways, I get it, believe me I do, but sam is just so... cruel sometimes? and I think dean really worked his way through a solid portion of that trauma by the end of the show, and I don’t think sam ever really did.

Dean: All right, you want to be honest? If the situation were reversed and I was dying, you'd do the same thing.

SAM [very softly]: No, Dean. I wouldn't. Same circumstances...I wouldn't. I'm gonna get to bed.

see, when I say sam is cruel, this is the shit I’m talking about because that is a bald faced lie and sam knows it. he said it specifically to hurt dean. he didn’t mean it, and he fucking knows that, but he knows that it will devastate dean to hear that, so he says it. 

anyways, sam fights dirty all the time. it’s 2024 now and I have no notes for past me, she was right. 

Hello! I want to thank you for all your answers to questions regarding Saezuru, your analysis is always very well-thought and accurate. 🙂

May I ask you if you think Saezuru will have a happy ending? I've seen a lot of fans are starting to doubt it, and I confess I'm a little worried about Yashiro's blindness when it comes to his right eye; I am afraid Doumeki might get seriously hurt (or even worse) trying to save Yashiro from a shooting or an attack that Yashiro might not immediately notice due to his partial blindness or something... Yoneda-sensei has put a lot of effort in stressing out that Yashiro's blindness creates issues I'm his everyday life, and she has also shown us Doumeki has strong suspicions Yashiro is not all right, all this must have some relevance in the end... But, at the same time, I can't believe there won't be an ending that, even if not 100% happy, will have a positive feeling to it.

Saezuru is a story about an abused and traumatized person (actually, two traumatized persons, considering Doumeki has his own demons to face too), and it represents his journey to learn to love himself and understand what he wants and what he deserves (i.e. to be loved), to end it with a tragic ending, while it's still Yoneda-sensei right to decide, would probably frustrate what felt had been the purpose of this work all along.

I apologise for the super-long message, but I am really curious to know your opinion on this.

Thank you and have a good day! 😉

Thank you for your kind words! If it seems like more people are feeling like there is going to be a negative ending, that is maybe because of how people are predicting what will happen next. I personally think that Doumeki will distance himself and I have seen other people share the same thoughts. I could be wrong because I am just guessing but it is bringing up how people are interpreting saezuru. Since the arc after the timeskip has started, there has been a strong feeling that Doumeki will be the one to take the lead and give Yashiro an environment to feel safe and be vulnerable. There were people who thought that Doumeki kissing Yashiro and them having sex would lead to some emotional progress. Unfortunately, once the sex was over, Doumeki put his mask back on and Yashiro was sad and later on even made plans to meet up with Inami. I personally never understood the idea of Doumeki confessing first as Doumeki tried his best to do that for Yashiro before and still got tossed aside. While we can understand Yashiro’s motivations and thinking, we should still understand that hurting someone the way Yashiro hurt Doumeki will mean putting in work to show that you’ve changed and that you can be a good partner to them as well. I noticed that there has been a few people that think Yashiro would be unwilling to pursue Doumeki. That once Doumeki distances himself, Yashiro wil just accept it because that is what he did with Kage and how he seems to react whenever he thinks Doumeki is rejecting him. I think that can be a bit insulting to Yashiro and how far he has come. While he has moments of jealously going after other men, he also doesn’t just quietly accept whatever Doumeki throws at him. He gets angry when Doumeki acts like there is nothing between them, he pulls Doumeki in when Doumeki tries to distance himself, he wants to open up about his impotency and Inami and he questioned Doumeki even though Doumeki’s answers could have devastated Yashiro. He also resists when Doumeki acts in ways he doesn’t like sexually which is huge for Yashiro considering he has adopted a passive attitude towards sexual assault. Yashiro is capable of change and I think he would want to be there for Doumeki as Doumeki was there for him. All that said, I think there will be a positive ending. A bare minimum for a positive ending for Yashiro will be Yashiro and Doumeki together. Though I have expressed doubt about Yashiro’s feelings for Doumeki, his characterization doesn’t support a good ending without Doumeki. He needs to have the person he loves reciprocate his love and with him or else he will fall back into his old self harm ways. I really think once Yashiro acknowledges that he wants Doumeki to be in a monogamous relationship with him, he will fight for it as much as he needs to. Of course we just need to wait and see. My answer got long but I really doubt we’ll get a tragic ending considering we got a taste of Yashiro and Doumeki domesticity with the extra and I doubt Yashiro will have all this development only to have the person that he was willing to do it for ripped away from him.

Okay, this has honestly been in the back of my mind for years now, but I feel like I must ask. Did anyone else feel an immense feeling of anger/discomfort when Poppy brought the entire village into Branch's bunker? Because I did. When I first saw it, I felt uncomfortable. And to this day, I get the ick thinking about it. Like, I get why she did it, and I understand that it was the safest thing to do for the village, but like... I can't explain just how upsetting it was to me. Branch is a better person than I am, because if it were me, just... no. And she didn't even ask properly! And then had the audacity to say it was a solid burn returned like??? No? No it wasn't? That was a home invasion, not a snipe back at him, what? In what world is his comment on her life skills even remotely on the same level as her just letting the ENTIRE VILLAGE in his house? And they weren't even good houseguests either! They IMMEDIATELY started messing with his stuff, like, have these trolls never heard of proper guest etiquette? Look, I love Poppy, but she can seriously get on my nerves a lot. Especially since the movies made it so that in the end, she doesn't really learn much because her screw ups have a way of completely disappearing with little to no consequences.

To add to this, anyone else feel like when rewatching the first Trolls movie, that Branch was in the right, and that he was done so dirty by so many? Like, the ukulele scene. As a kid, I did think Branch was being rude, but now? Those 2 were literally out in the woods, with who knows what out there. Poppy literally got her friends kidnapped by a BERGEN literally the DAY BEFORE, and she's going back to singing loudly? Like, Poppy, babe, are you TRYING to die? Her whole song just shows how much plot armor Poppy has because, seriously? Not to mention, trolls are tiny, so her singing could genuinely put a target on them. I feel like the only reason Branch didn't up and say this is because it probably should be common knowledge, but apparently, pop trolls don't really have much common sense. I really wish they had Branch explain it though, because as a kid, I thought him to be a killjoy and unnecessarily bossy. But now? Yeah, I can see why singing in the forest when you're tiny might not be the best idea. Makes me wonder just how the pop trolls survived all this time?

I love Poppy, I really do. She's fun, nice, and is a complex protagonist (who is awesome and not a Mary Sue, though the same can't be said for TBGO/Trollstopia Poppy) whose character development is very visible. However, the writers really focus more on Branch's character development than hers and focus more on finding new ways to traumatize him than finding ways to make Poppy more mature, and that's what really bugs me about Poppy's character.

I really wanna start a petition for DreamWorks to lay off Branch for once and give Poppy more attention. I'm not asking to all out traumatize her (though the idea of DreamWorks giving her the Branch Treatment is funny in the mean way) but it would be nice if they gave her another journey where she has to learn and grow, and for there to be consequences that aren't easily waved away by a song and dance. TWT did a decent job at it (it could have been better, but it was a start), and I really need DreamWorks to do something like that (but better, obviously) again.

That being said, I do like how they handled Broppy. They went from rival/strangers to friends to lovers. It didn't happen instantly, and the progression of the relationship didn't feel rushed or forced. They both have an equal standing in the relationship and are supportive of each other. It's cute, and I'm glad DreamWorks at least got that right.

This should have probably been separate asks, but oh well. YOLO or whatever. I just really wanna know your thoughts.

I'm mostly of the same mind it angers me but I get why she did it I feel at the very least she should have told everyone to behave themselves and not act like they were teenagers throwing a house party while their parents were away for the night.

some people have said that maybe she did in on purpose to pressure Branch into going with her but I prefer to think that wasn't the case because in my opinion that would be straight up villainous.

a Royal abusing their power to put pressure on a civilian to Risk their life to rescue a group of your friends who are in danger due to your incompetent leadership.

not to mention a civilian who she knows is more terrified of the Bergens than anyone else in the village.

yeah that would make her an out and out villain imo so I prefer to think that wasn't her intention.

I don't feel its so bad it needs to be changed in the story overall but I would have liked it had Branch actually called her out on it.

basically just have him angrily point out to her after she acts like it wasn't a big deal because it was just a bunch of old Junk. that it wasn't just a place to him it was his home and that wasn't just a load of old Junk it was stuff he worked hard for years to make and it made him feel safer it was the only place he actually felt safe and like he could relax.

maybe prompting Poppy to actually give a more genuine apology as before she just thought of his home as him being over the top for the sake of it.

since she and the village just viewed him as a Drama queen and she didn't really realise his fears were actually so genuine that the Bunker actually mattered to him that deeply.

part of me thinks the intent by the writers was for her consequences in the first film to be being betrayed by Creek who she cared about but yeah that whole thing could have been handled better.

her and her dads leadership put him in danger and he literally said what he had to say in order to avoid being eaten alive he didn't really have any agency in the betrayal.

so Poppy's somber pleas for him to not go through with it kinda make me mad tbh like this whole situation is your fault yet my guy Creek is expected to die because of it.

so your incompetent dad can live? yeah no.

also if you made that Petition for Branch I'd totally sign it 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

and I agree Poppy deserves some more focus and development tho a touch of angst for her I think could maybe be a good thing in making her character stronger.

like I've said before maybe having Peppy die in a future film and her at first trying to ignore her grief by focusing on her queen duties and slapping on her usual smile worrying both Branch and Viva.

or having her mother turn up in the future like some fans have suggested only for her to be a selfish villain who couldn't care less about Poppy and Viva.

and this is the proper shock to Poppy's "" family is always great "" mentality as even with Bro zone they worked things out in the end making her think no family could be entirely broken.

but her mother literally doesn't give a shit if her children live or die and she maybe abandoned them both when Poppy was a baby.

drawing a little contrast with Branch only for the mother to have zero remorse since she didn't want children and maybe she was only with Peppy for status as royalty.

and Bro zone could be shown as being more remorseful over the past even a while after the events of TBT which contrasts with Poppy's mom kinda nicely.

anyway I'm getting off topic a bit lol but yeah I agree Poppy needs more focus and Branch's needs to be picked on less by the writers.

but I feel a touch of angst directed Poppy's way could give her some good development and make her a stronger character overall.

edit. also as someone who doesn't like Hugs Poppy's smug stunt with the Hug time Bracelets does make me a little mad like tell the Trolls to Respect people's Boundaries Girl.

I don’t really read smut anymore if I can help it unless it’s part of a story, not the point of a story, especially when it’s about Hayden Christensen the person, not one of his characters.

You see, I think he does look at stuff about him. Especially when he was researching everything he could find about Star Wars. He stated how he found interviews and fan art. I find it very hard to believe he didn’t read a fic or two about his character. There’s some amazing content, and as cringey as this site can be, I think it’s the perfect type of social media for him.

Tumblr is a place that you can geek out over your interests and say things, you cannot responsibly express in the adult world. It’s a place you can be proud that hundreds or even thousands of people, love your epic 100k plus word FanFiction you spend most of your free time on, without having to admit you prefer writing, over going to some smelly club.

I also really appreciate how little anybody’s opinion on here, actually matters in the big picture. You and some of your mutuals are guilty of this, but I just attribute it to your age. Nothing can effect you on here, so do what you please and no one is the wiser.

Except, when I think of Hayden Christensen on here looking at stuff, I can’t help but wonder how a self proclaimed shy introvert, might feel reading about things with his actual name. He might get sick to his stomach reading about himself fictionally making a controversially young fan, bleed from his rough sexual treatment. Even if she’s into it. I think because of how introverted and private he is, and the fact everyone in Hollywood thinks he’s a bit odd, add to that the things Rachel says about her past sex life, without naming him, but giving her age so everyone knows who it must have been, have effected him negatively.

When he was younger, several costars pre-Rachel stated how serious and confident he was. Even Rachel said how she admired how sure of himself he was. He was photographed at many social events, celebrating birthdays, going to the playboy mansion, hosting parties in Vegas nightclubs, racing his cars, going to F1, and Cannes, and even the MET Gala. He dated Reena Hammer, who was practically the British Paris Hilton of socialites. He’s also a world renowned model. His interviews when he was earlier in his career, he was playful and almost arrogant in some, very flirty.

At first I thought his aversion to people came from the Star Wars toxic fandom hate he received for the prequels but if you look at when some interviews and interactions with people occurred, they were at or after, peak hate era.

There’s one in Cannes where he shooshes the media and gives them a dirty look while up on the podium. Another time he’s at an award show getting heckled and fired right back at them. There’s that interview where he says he wanted to be in Star Wars ever since he was a baby, that oozes confidence.

Then he got traumatized by a combo of fellow celebs, fans being hateful or saying nothing matters but his looks, and the loss of his anonymity. He has stated how cringe it was to see his face on everything from chips, to cereal, to chicken noodle soup, magazines about him, more often than not, without his permission.

I don’t want to villianize Rachel Bilson, because I think she is just an empty headed, cute little nepo brat, that should be taken about as seriously as the movie Virgin Territory. She was in a wreck, in her teens and got a head injury so she has a hard time with long term memory. How it would be dating someone that forgets everything with time, cannot be great for your self esteem. Add to that her talking about how paranoid and depressed he gets, and publicly stated he has severe anxiety can’t help his anxiety. Then to mail that coffin shut, she spreads rumors he cheated with someone as embarrassing as Emma Roberts, said he never could make her cum, said her break up with Bill Hader was more difficult than child birth, has been linked to a bunch of men that she says she now has no issues orgasming with partners, and she constantly brings him up on her podcast that I think 75% of her listeners, listen in hopes she’ll say something about Hayden.

Living with social anxiety, brought on by trauma and over exposure, seems like it’d be something close to torture, never knowing what she will reveal about you next. Also how she talks about Briar all the time, even going so far as taking calls from her school, on the air has to make him feel very helpless.

I do appreciate one of your recent answers about how he doesn’t even know what sexy stuff he might be into, and while I hope he does find someone that makes him feel safe and secure, I think it’s better to stick to his characters. It’s not difficult to just make him AJ, or James, or even Jacob, if you’re sick of using anakin.

We should also be conscious that Briar is reaching the age where she is going to be looking up her parents. It’s just a fact. And as a fan of Hayden, you can’t just not give a shit about Briar. The man seems to love her more than anything, and we love him. Robin Williams suffered from similar mental health issues as Hayden does, and no one knows what pushed him over the edge, but I sure as shit don’t want to contribute to him having a breakdown.

And yes, I wrote a very sexual series about a celeb using their name before I realized how hurtful that had the potential to be. I went back and saved them all before deleting them all on here, and then I edited them all to be one of that celebs characters, and it actually did even better. Maybe one day I’ll share that with you.

I hope you don’t take this as an insult or me judging you at all. I think you are a very skilled writer with an amazing imagination. I enjoy dark fanfiction, and you have the ability to build worlds, and describe emotion that is quite rare. I used to write a lot more, and I always knew that smut equals instant gratification. Smut gets most of the attention, and some of them I wrote have thousands of notes, while the one I worked the hardest on, and am most proud of, has like 30. It’s heart wrenching and makes people cry though, and most don’t like to be emotionally wrecked by a fic.

You don’t have to post this if you don’t want to, but of course it’s yours now. I need to be anonymous with this because my main blog is very wholesome and pure, while my fanfiction writing is on a sub account I guess you’d call it off my main, and so is my Hayden fan account. We have interacted somewhat through posts you’ve liked and commented on.

well it’s a good thing that i don’t tag any of this with just his name and instead tag it with “hayden christensen smut” and “hayden christensen x reader” so that people don’t just come across it who are looking him up. you can filter those tags and my user too or if you’d like to give me your user privately i can block you. i don’t rly know what you were trying to do here because i never opened this discussion up and never planned to

How much of the lies/rumors about MJ are due to the general public's insistence that he must be gay, and then their own homophobia about that idea?

Oh, a whole lot - and don't forget the sexism and racism, as they are a core part of it too (reminder to everyone that the "Wacko Jacko" nickname The Sun gave to him was comparing him to a monkey toy, something Michael was obviously mad about).

Long before the drastic changes to his looks, or the wild rumors, Michael was already seen as weird because he did not fit the stereotype of men in general (and black men in particular).

He was kind, nurturing, good with kids, emotional, shy, naive, and his biggest dream was being a parent - these are still largely seen as "female" traits today. Michael grew up in the sixties and seventies.

Even more "shocking", he was a black man that was not really aggressive, and not only was he not hypersexual, he was OPENLY voicing his discomfort with people prying into his business/insisting that, come on, he HAD to be into fucking groupies, strippers and hookers like most guys in the industry, right?

Add in him being a fashion icon and wearing a ton of make-up that gave him a bit of an androgynous look every now and then, and you have people CONVINCED he must be into men.

And once again, homophobes still think gay = pedo to this day. Michael was born in 1958. He was already the target of gay rumors, and treated like a big freak for it, before AIDS was a thing. Before "Don't ask, don't tell." Laws forbidding same-sex relationships between consenting adults had not been deemed inconstitutional in the USA until 2003.

It's crazy to me that plenty of so called "progressive" people today act are still willing to pretend there's any real evidence against him, not just because the freaking FBI was secretly investigating him for 13 years and found nothing, but because the so called "Red flags" in Michael's behavior was literally just a bunch lies to make a (supposedly) gay man look like a predator.

But there's still one more factor contribuiting to Michael being labeled as gay: people not understanding that men can be sexually abused AND be traumatized by it because "guys always want sex."

Before he had even reached ten years of age, Michael Jackson had to sing in strip clubs (and in his own words, see adults acting like animals), had to hear his brothers having sex with groupies in the same room he was in (and it wasn't uncommon for the girls to be treated horribly, which deeply upset him), had to deal with his father cheating on his mom in the next room, and during some performances, while interacting with the audience he was made to look under the skirts of adult women to play the role of "pervy kid" even after he repeatedly told everyone in the Jackson 5 team, including his father, that he DID NOT WANT TO DO THAT.

Seriously, IMAGINE if the roles were reversed and a bunch of adults were making a 7-year-old girl pulled down the pants of grown men to see their underwear/genitals as a "joke."

As Michael became a teenager, the situation only got worse, as all of the adults who never heard the word "boundaries" in their lives were bothered by the fact that Michael was not going around having sex with a bunch of women like brothers were, so they kept paying prostitutes go to "help him out". His older sister, Rebbie, said in an interview that a male relative of theirs paid two women to take the virginity of 15-year-old Michael and locked him a room with them against his will, hoping he'd just "give in." She did not say if the women actually managed to do anything with her brother.

Again, IMAGINE the reactions if an adult man locked a 15-year-old girl in a room with two adult men that were paid to have sex with her, despite both her age AND THE FACT THAT SHE ISN'T THERE WILLINGLY! People would rightfully be disturbed by it and if anything happened, it'd be considered abuse and the relative in question would be a proxy-rapist.

But Michael was a "man" (he was a freaking kid, my god) and "guys always want it", so him not being cool with this was seen as him being weird and a "faggot."

There's a reason bastards like Evan Chandler picked false accusations of pedophilia to extort Michael - they knew people didn't understand nor empathize with the real reason for Michael's "weirdness."

And sadly enough, things aren't much different now.

What common Degrassi takes do you most disagree with, ie Zig being cocky and smooth, etc!

1.) Obviously, that one LOL. If someone legitimately tries to argue that Zig "I'm terrible at pretty much everything" "But is it good enough for you?" Novak is confident.. they're objectively wrong. They're getting stuck on him looking the part of the confident, bad boy and ignoring half of what comes out of his mouth.

2.) Darcy isn't irredeemable or a bad person because she falsely accused Snake of being inappropriate with her. She was a scared, traumatized child who panicked because she was thrown into a situation where she would be forced to talk about her rape before she was ready. Snake handled all of that completely wrong, even though he meant well. It didn't come from a heartless, malicious place. She immediately tried to take it all back and openly supported his return to the school. His career wasn't ruined. He eventually became the principal. I genuinely don't understand where people's compassion is when it comes to this story line. Darcy wasn't the ideal victim. She was never supposed to be.

3.) None of the canonically lesbian characters should have been bisexual. Based on what we saw from each one introduced to us with the assumption that they were straight (Alex, Fiona, Zoe), their eventual coming out journeys made sense. Could they have been written with more care with an actual explanation as to how they came to identify this way? Absolutely. But I feel like the Degrassi fandom constantly invalidates their sexualities, especially with Zoe, because they're upset they no longer get to justify shipping them with men.

4.) Don't kill me, but Eli calling Clare a whore wasn't out of character. It was cruel and he had zero excuse, but based on the number of times Eli lashed out at Clare and other people, it makes total sense that he'd say the worst possible thing he could think to say under the mistaken impression that he'd been wronged. He was hurt and angry, and he wanted her to feel bad. He behaved in a similar way after their first breakup.

5.) Jimmy wasn't the perfect boyfriend. In fact, Jimmy never gets enough shit for being so passive aggressive in relationships, particularly when he's ready to end it and emotionally invested in another girl. But because he's cowardly, something we saw pretty consistently over the years, he waits for his girlfriends to notice so that he doesn't have to be the bad guy and can play innocent. Overall, there are little things about Jimmy that bug me, such as calling Ashley a slut. And on that note, this fandom is way too comfortable openly enjoying slut shaming when they feel like the character is unlikable or irritating enough to "deserve it" (Clare and Ashley).

6.) Obligatory reminder that Zig didn't murder Cam due to his depression leading to his suicide and multiple things over the course of a couple of days playing a role in the headspace Cam was in when he ended his life

7.) Liberty was completely fucked over during her pregnancy arc. Excuse me. JT's pregnancy arc. It was blatantly racist how the show chose to be revolutionary by focusing on the black pregnant girl's white boyfriend for the entirety of her pregnancy. Liberty was the villain in her own story line because the writers really wanted us to understand how much pressure JT was under due to expecting a child, worrying about finances, his life changing drastically, etc. Things must have been rough for Liberty as well, but meh. She's just a bitter, controlling, bitch who never deserved JT. Seriously, I see that take a lot. In my opinion, they both could have handled things better, but neither was getting the help or support they needed. Liberty seemed to be in denial and couldn't cope with the fact she'd allowed herself to become pregnant due to carelessness when she's supposed to be so responsible. A lot must have been going on with her, both mentally and emotionally, but we never hear about it or see any of it.

8.) Clare and Drew were actually a good (no, great) ship. Many fans just weren't prepared or happy to see either with someone else due to the popularity of the Eli/Clare and Drew/Bianca relationships. It also wasn't random, out of character, or even all that forced based on how their characters had grown through the years. It's funny to see Clare described as being not Drew's type when he's pretty consistently into smart, ambitious women who can put him in his place. And in the case of Clare, her preferences are all over the place with Drew not being all that different physically or personality wise from KC or Jake. Their emotional connection grew and deepened for almost the entirety of season 13, including the summer between school years and for the majority of their senior year. Even though their decision to sleep together was impulsive and surprising, in reality they'd been circling each other for months. It was bound to happen, and then it did.

9.) Another thing I disagree with is that Maya should have talked about Cam more or told ___ about his suicide. It was very obvious to me that Maya was extremely triggered by Cam's death and struggled to move past it. It makes perfect sense that she'd struggle to even talk about it. It was extremely painful and personal to Maya. Miles was never going to be the one she opened up to. He just wasn't. This isn't even necessarily a pro Zaya thing. But the fact Zig was around for Cam's death and understood most of Maya's pain meant that Maya opening up to Zig about the way she was feeling and acknowledging her ex's existence was far more likely than Maya opening up to Miles, someone she struggled to open up to emotionally or relate to beyond what he was willing to share. At a certain point, it starts to feel like Maya bringing up Cam for the sake of bringing up Cam. Not because it's actually helping Maya or moving her story forward in any way.

10.) Tristan's biphobia towards Miles didn't happen in a vacuum. While Tristan's character was extremely flawed and he wasn't always the most likable person, it honestly came across to me that his biphobia got so out of control because it took the writers a long time to catch on to the fact that Tristan invalidating his boyfriend's sexual orientation was inappropriate, dehumanizing, and shouldn't have been written off as catty comments not meant to be taken seriously. Degrassi overall didn't handle polysexual identities very well. Paige's attraction to women was downplayed aside from her relationship with Alex. Imogen was also never labeled, eventually being referred to multiple times during her final season as a lesbian.

11.) Lola got the right endgame, and she definitely shouldn't have kept Miles's baby.

Honestly, I was not expecting that kind of a response, thank you. And yeah, I guess I am just kinda hurting, when I was a small little trans boy in a small little Christian town, online trans spaces were the only place I could go and so many of them were filled with transfems putting down transmascs. And I guess it’s just kinda like, after you see enough of that shit you just kinda give up on having an ally in that group. Because yeah one or two isn’t bad, but when it’s constant like it is in a lot of Reddit/twitter spaces which was where my trans ass was, seeing people saying we should all just band together and forget our differences, idk, it just kinda hits me as naive. Obviously this isn’t to put down transfems, no group is a monolith, there’s just a very vocal minority of transfems who I had my first experiences with and it was like, okay, what the fuck am I trying to do allying with these ppl. Idk, it still seems a little bit fantastical to all band together. Plus pretty much (especially white) transfem I’ve met believes they are in some way more oppressed for being trans even if they acknowledge trans men “kinda face oppression too”, idk, it just seems like lumping us all together is like putting us in a get along tshirt and not realizing that some ppl don’t want to be around ppl who have historically hurt them a lot. Idk.

It makes sense that when you hear transunity your first thought is of the people who have hurt you the most, and that must have been traumatizing. The online community in general tends to emphasize the most divisive opinions & also tends to be dominated by the more privileged and sheltered people in the community, which is why many people find that people they meet in physical spaces tend to have much more diverse and open opinions. When that's the dominant way you experience the community, it definitely leaves you feeling like community is doomed to fail. This (both intra-community violence in general and transandrophobia specifically) has been allowed to fester in trans spaces for far too long. I get how while you logically know its a small minority your view of trans solidarity has been stained by that & that can be really hard to change, especially when that kind of thing is still a problem in the community.

If you want my opinion: taking care of your own mental health, especially as it relates to gender, and exposing yourself to transfems & other trans people who are openly supportive of transmasc activism, is vital. Running this blog I've found a lot of transfems who support the conversation around transandrophobia, including people who are extremely supportive and vocal about it. When you see people like that more and more, you start to focus on the ways we can help each other more than the ways we harm each other. I see other trans people talking about transandrophobia and transunity and it affirms to me how they are people who take this seriously and want to build a safer community for everyone. cipheramnesia is a pretty big transfem blogger who's been vocally supportive of transmasc activism discussing transandrophobia, and the reason I got into this discussion in the first place was through seeing a trans woman talk about it and insist that it wasn't inherently transmisogynistic and that transmascs do deserve to be heard about the details of our oppression. I may have never made this blog at all if it weren't for transfems being vocal allies of transmasc activism.

I've also seen a lot of trans people with awful, divisive, and bigoted takes; I know those come from people who are also hurting, who are lashing out at people they have biases against because it lets them feel some kind of control and release. Its tempting to step back and leave the whole thing behind- and if that's what you need to do for your mental health and safety, that is your right. But to me, the hardest and most important thing about activism is acknowledging how real change has to come from opening up and making connections and risking pain and rejection for the sake of transformation.

Transunity is, fundamentally, about taking that risk because we know its the only way we can unwork the thing that keeps all of us oppressed, the only thing that truly and consistently benefits from the infighting. Transunity is a direct response to the behavior you describe, created by trans people from multiple different groups. Its still very, very young as a movement but the more it grows, hopefully, the more people who will be vocal about the issues in our community and how open discussion and active solidarity are vital to our liberation. There may always be discourse and assholes lashing out, but there will also always be people putting in the work and showing compassion, so those people will find each other and work for the betterment of everyone, including those trying to tear each other apart.

Like I said, its also important to take care of your mental health. Alienation from your community is traumatizing (as plenty of aspec people can tell you), and that leaves you with defense mechanisms meant to keep you safe that can be hard to get rid of. I think transmasc-focused spaces can be really, really helpful in healing that kind of trauma and help you feel much more stable and supported in your transness & as a person, which in turn makes you more willing to take that risk and open up for a chance at solidarity and community. A lot of times, you need to take care of yourself and get in a good place before you can really engage in community activism, so I don't blame you at all for being wary of transunity when you are obviously still hurting. Healing is fucked up and messy and its alright to have complex emotions about people and things while you are dealing with that pain. Like I said, at the end of the day I wish you the best, and I hope you find yourself a community that supports you like you deserve.

I'm so sorry if you've talked about this before, but if not, i wanted to ask you what's your opinion on 4make Leon? Do you think he's still a bit like that 21 yr old rookie he was in Racoon City?

:)

Eeeeeee thank you for the ask!! I talked about the ways Leon changes between 2 and 4 a bit in this post (and specifically the second part in the reblog), but more in a general sense. To get more specific, I think re4r Leon still has the same core values he did when he was a baby boy rookie - he's kind, he's selfless, he wants to help people so badly - but Raccoon City made an open wound out of him, and the intervening years between then and when we meet him again in 4 have scabbed the wound over and then mangled him with emotional scar tissue.

Let's start with some good: re2r Leon had kind of a naive trust in authority figures that led him to do some shitty stuff. I'm thinking specifically not letting the reporter out of the holding cell, insisting he has to talk to Irons first, because there must be a reason he's in there, right? Even in the face of a zombie apocalypse, Rookie Leon was like, "The carceral system makes sense, actually." And I'm sure him helping Ada, and being so difficult to dissuade from doing so in the end, had to do not just with his crush on her, but also with her telling him she was FBI. The one time his easy trust of authority figures pays off is with Marvin, but let's not talk about that 🥺

Re4r, on the other hand, opens with Leon basically monologuing about how much he hates the government and then having an uneasy car ride with two cops. You get the distinct impression that he's trying to be civil but he finds the implication that they don't want to be there or help him kinda distasteful. He sees them for what they are: lazy country cops who don't take their duties seriously, and that ticks him off. So right off the bat we see a Leon who's kinda withdrawn (he spends most of the cutscene staring out the car window) and who hasn't retained that blind adoration of a police uniform.

Him meeting Luis and immediately clocking him as 'fishy' is another great character beat. In the OG he just takes Luis at his word about being a cop, but in the remake he asks Hunnigan to look into him, which not only shows us he's not as naive anymore, but actually helps advance their story and relationship in a way the OG never did. They get to have that confrontation later about Luis working for Umbrella, and then Leon has to work his way towards trusting Luis enough to rely on him for the medicine and for help getting to Ashley.

So he's less naive, which is the good, but the bad.... Oh man, the bad... Along with his naivete in 2, he was also kind of an optimist. That's been almost thoroughly beaten out of him by 4 - he's withdrawn, quiet, depressed, and traumatized. We see it so clearly because it stands in such stark contrast to his central motivation in the game: that this time it can be different. He hasn't fully given up on optimism; there's a tiny spark of it in his heart still, and all throughout 4 he's desperate to keep it alive by trying to save Ashley, to connect with Ada, to trust Luis, even in trying to talk Krauser down while they fight.

It feels like in 4 he's mourning the rookie he used to be. He's not as trusting or earnest or open. Instead, he's closed off and brooding, and he uses humour as a crutch, as a way to distance himself from the horror of the situation he's in. So he's clearly developed some unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with his trauma.

I know you didn't ask about 6, but I think what they do with a 6 remake could be really interesting in how things go for Leon from here! 6, as it is now, and the way it segues into Vendetta, follows a through line of a Leon whose little flame of optimism pretty much gets extinguished. In re4 OG we don't get the ending cutscene of him and Ashley looking hopefully at the sunrise, and I think that could be the crux of things going differently for him. The 'things could be different' premise gets resolved in the remake - things ARE different this time! I really hope they carry that over to the rest of the remakes and don't take Leon down the same road of depression and alcoholism... That's a lot to hope for, since it seems like they intend for Vendetta to remain canon, but that's what I want to see, personally.

I want Leon to reclaim the positive aspects of the rookie he used to be, now that he's shed the negatives, and to fan that little flame of hope in his heart until he fucking burns with it!! Resi in general could use some hope, I think!! I'm just not a fan of where they left Leon at the end of Death Island, as this flippant, resigned guy who, ok, is not an alcoholic anymore, but now he's just a toy soldier. Same with Chris in 8, kinda, but that's a whole other can of worms!

Thank u for the ask again - I hope my Leon rambling answered your question 😅

If you’re making a butchered character roundup, Venti needs to be at the top. The fandom takes this deeply traumatized kind playful and free-spirited god who loves his lost friend, his nation and his people, and has saved Mondstadt from Decarabian, Durin, Ursa the Drake, The Lawrence clan, and Stormterror- to “ehe useless drunkard who can’t take anything seriously” And they call Barbara dense 🙄

Everyone on my page knows Venti is my baby but I'll be honest if I really talked about how badly the fandom treats him I'd never shut up. You can always tell the difference between Venti stans and fanon Venti stans.

Also Also I'm gonna say it: Venti being an alcoholic really isn't funny. I don't really like how it's handled in game and I don't like how the fandom acts like it's so tee hee funny funny. Like no he's drinking his feelings whenever he has the mora to do so or whenever he can sneak a glass. Poor baby stays smiling and I just wonder how many nights he's spent sobbing his eyes out with a bottle in hand because constantly being the happy go lucky person can not possibly stay when he's truly alone with his thoughts.

And another thing about his lost friend the only time I ever see anyone bring him up is to debate that he was fifteen. God forbid we talk about how deeply pained and how influential this beautiful person must have been to Venti for him to recreate his body exactly and then live the rest of his life making sure people never forget this person who he loved with all of his heart. But yeah sure let's start another stupid age debate that holds zero water because Venti is his own person no matter if he recreated his friends body or not.

And I find it extremely uncomfortable how the fandom seems to think he just took over his friends dead corpse and has been animating the thing for who even knows how long. Like do they realize how fucked up that is??

Not to mention the blatant disregard for Venti's incredibly soft heart. He saved Traveler's life despite knowing nothing about them outside of they stole anemo power from the seven and then disrupted his talk with Dvalin. He freed Stanley from the turmoil of carrying his friends soul along with him everywhere. He gave Dvalin, Mondstadt and Vanessa freedom, He created an entire city for his people to populate in, He calls his people his children. He's honestly the sweetest guy and anyone would be so lucky to have a Venti in their life.

People never talk about all of the good the archons have done for their nations and themselves outside of Nahida and it makes my blood boil. It's always "they didn't tell Traveler about their sibling!" Like it does actually make perfect sense that Nahida is the only one with actual information you dumbasses!! Nahida has a link to what is basically Teyvat's database! What do the other archons have their own SIGHT. Venti was probably asleep when the sibling came through his nation, I have no idea what Zhongli might have been doing and Ei wasn't even paying attention to her goddammed nation! She had a puppet running the show.

Let me stop ranting because I'm already starting to shake again. I just wish this fandom didn't look at everything at face value. I want more people to see the Venti that me and other Venti stans have fallen in love with. He deserves so much. Like most people don't even fully understand why Venti doesn't run his nation even though he EXPLAINS IT TO THE TRAVELER IN GAME.

Ugggghhh ok I'm done.

I'm not at 100% but I am on the mend. I drone on under the cut. I mean I really do. If you read thank you, if not it helps just to get everything out. My dental care the past year has been seriously traumatic.

I had an inflamed tooth that was extracted yesterday. After needing to be extracted for a week. I have medication for pain and infection. Though opioids never seem to help much. Last night I was able to get some sleep and I can chew again. My body has a lot to repair still.

This experience was a blessing in disguise, as odd as it may sound. For those who don't know, I am disabled. Sadly not in the legal sense. I can't get government support, yet I can't work a steady job because of my conditions. To put it plainly, I'm broke and must take what is given. I was without health insurance for a few years before I got medicaid. Medicaid does provide dental care, that is if you can find someone that takes it and is accepting new clients. It took over a year to find someone that was willing to take me on.

My current dentist has been a nightmare. The receptionist is obviously someone who has never struggled with money or her health. The queen bee type even though she must be in her 40s, low-key Karen. She treats everyone as if they are stupid and is extremely judgemental. Though not a major problem, dealing with her reminds me of all the girls that bullied me in my school years. That's still a sore spot for me.

The dental assistant can't take a proper x-ray. I'm not exaggerating when I say every x-ray needs at least 4 attempts. One time it took 7 tries. There is a major communication issue. I spent 15 minutes on the phone with her explaining that my filling fell out and that I can see the hole in my tooth. I don't know what she wrote down but no one knew I was coming in to have a filling redone. She is the go between for the front desk and the doctor and no one knows what's really going on. Every time I have work done she about waterboards me. She also is out of synch with the doctor. The doctor has to prompt her and even then sometimes she doesn't do what she needs to. They usually fight with each other. She is a nice person, but I feel she isn't qualified to do what she's doing.

The doctor is...something. When she isn't doing work on me she is okay and listens to me. When she's doing work she's no non-sense, which I respect, but it doesn't help my anxiety. She tells me to not fight her and to keep my head still. (I'm sorry, I can't breathe and I'm trying to not die but okay. Besides I barely moved, but now you can't see what you're doing because this place is lit worse than Dracula's castle.) She has me bend my neck back in an unnatural position that makes it difficult to breathe. I'm getting blasted with water going down my throat. I'm not completely numbed out, yet I get trigeminal neuralgia that I have to deal with for a week. (That has happened twice.) My tongue will be cut and/or burnt. I've had my lip and chin sliced as well. The entire time I feel like she's either going to yell at me or give up and say, "I can't work on you." I'm good at reading people and I can sense her frustration.

As mentioned, the lighting in there is terrible. The overhead light isn't adjustable or very bright. The chair doesn't allow for the head to gently fall back, hence the awkward pinch neck/pinned back head position that you have to hold. They don't let me see my x-rays or explain things in layman's terms. I haven't memorized teeth numbers as I didn't know that was a skill I needed. They can't seem to say 1st molar on the bottom left, just tooth 19 and I'm supposed to know which one that is. Communication over all is poor. They don't offer a print out of treatment plans so I can just figure it out myself. Their x-rays can't tell them if I need a root canal done on teeth or not. Which reminds me, they don't do root canals because they don't have the machine. They're impossible to get a hold of, they literally don't answer the phone. You have to leave a message and wait for them to get back to you. They don't have an emergency line meanwhile they are closed friday-sunday. Every time I go there I leave feeling stupid, worthless, and ugly. But, they're the only place I can go to for free and I have a lot of dental issues. End background origin.

So less than a year ago I had a filling done. It never sat right, it was overfilled, it hurt, eventually there was a gap, in Dec it fell out, 1 out of 10 bad. They had to redo it and made it sound like it was my fault it fell out. As they worked on me the tool broke. It was an interchangeable part but the new piece didn't fit. So they had to try to get the old one to work again, which they did. But if they couldn't get it working I guess I would just have to deal with an even bigger hole in my tooth for who knows how long. They told me if the pain lasts longer than 2 weeks to tell them. 2 weeks go by and I'm feeling pretty good. Slight soreness, but for a deep filling seems okay. 2 weeks and 3 days later, oh this actually hurts...but it is a major filling, the other one was like this and the pain went away after a few additional weeks. I thought it was part of the healing process as I've heard deep fillings take longer to heal and can be more painful than small ones. A couple more days, holy shit this pain is bad! I need my tooth pulled! I call and get no response, I email and get nothing, I even showed up in person and they were closed. Which is why I didn't get a response. It was during business hours on thursday. They're going to be closed all weekend. I considered going to the ER, but there isn't much they can do besides pain meds while there and antibiotics. I'm in the worst pain of my life. (This is coming from someone who walked on a broken foot for a month before finally admitting to myself it was broke and I should get medical help. I know pain.) Not only that I am worried about infection.

My mom gets and pays for my appointment at a local dentist for the following day as they do emergency appointments even for new clients. They happen to be running a deal this month and the cost ends up $19 for a full consult and extensive x-rays. Which they want to do before doing any work, understandable. Everyone there is pleasant, there's zero judgement. The place is well lit, too bright for me but absolutely needed for them. There is laughing and jokes between the staff. I get my x-rays first. None of them had to be redone. They also can tell which teeth need root canals. Everyone there listened to me and was sympathetic. When I told them my dentist didn't do root canals they were shocked. They showed me my x-rays and explained exactly what was going on with all of my teeth using layman's terms. They gave me multiple options far as saving teeth vs extractions. I told them with how much work was done on the one tooth and how much it hurt, I just wanted it gone. I was reassured that missing one tooth shouldn't cause me problems and all my bottom teeth looked good. They didn't mention how they were overcrowded, just they were healthy. They talked about my top teeth...yeah a lot of work still on those. But they can give me my smile back. I had a couple accidents which have cost me 2 teeth already, a baby tooth that needs to go, and now a days 3 that have major cavities that I could lose. All of which is, well depressing, but I was aware of it all already so it wasn't a shock. A lot of factors have gone in to my teeth but many people see missing teeth and judge. Even if they didn't I feel ugly. The past three years I haven't smiled much and I avoid photos to the point that people comment how great I am at dodging photos. My grandma felt bad and was willing to pay for an implant for my front tooth. Though I still would be missing a lot and thus still feel unattractive. For around the same price I can get a partial denture and have all my missing teeth filled in. My other dentist never gave me that option and wanted to push a bridge that would cost that only covered some of the back teeth. I already planned to go back just for the partial at some point but the extraction sealed the deal.

While they don't take medicaid, they do have a discount program that has a yearly fee of a little over $100. I signed up and already saved $330 on the extraction. Technically $230 if you subtract the yearly fee. It will knock down the price of the denture too. All work gets a discount. It's not free but it's about as cheap as you can get.

Extraction day I'm numbed out and wow am I numb! It's then that it hits me. I never felt that numb for work at the other dentist even with them doing more shots than what was done there. The chair lets my head fall back and I don't have to do the kink neck thing. I can breathe normally. They move the light and it adjusts. It's blindingly bright and they give me sunglasses to wear. The two of them moved so well together I could swear the doctor just had four hands. Anytime he said he needed a tool or suction, she had it covered. She did spurts of water and suctioned it out, none went down my throat. He kept telling me how good I was doing. He apologized a few times and when I alerted him to my tmj hurting on the opposite side he supported my jaw. I know my head moved just because of the force of everything. That wasn't an issue for them. Zero injuries to my tongue or face. Unfortunately, I did still have pain, but I know without a doubt I had the least amount of pain possible. He asked if I wanted any meds, another thing that my other dentist never offers. They are open more hours AND they have an emergency line that can be called.

It was night and day. I felt safe and I was treated like a human being. I will have to talk to my grandma and see if she will support me in getting most of my work done there. I will use the other place to get my two crowns covered and an easy extraction, the baby tooth, then goodbye forever. It's like feeling real love after being in an abusive relationship. I can't believe how I was treated. Maybe if I was in prison I could understand it. Even then I think it's still inhumane. I got a deep cleaning done at the new place as well as some preventative care. There are so many more people there and all of them are friendly and caring. 10/10

I cancelled my cleaning for the other dentist and they got back to me instantly. Hmm...okay, you don't like me cancellin, yet you don't do anything to keep me around. They actually got back to me the night before my extraction. While I was waiting on them I got antibiotics and an appointment for the extraction within a few days. I'm sure with them it would have been a week or more I'd have to deal with the pain.

This discount thing I have apparently has something with vision care as well. My eye care is a very similar story...I should see if walmart takes it because I went to them for years and never had an issue. Well besides the air puff machine punching my eye. That was a one-off thing. This other place, nothing but problems. When you have medicaid you're treated like shit. At least my doctor-doctors and specialists are all wonderful.

I hate. the sort of "hierarchy" that builds up with trauma and mental illness ngl. I've been in groups that have told me a suicide attemps doesn't count unless you end up in the hospital (mine didn't. I passed out in my apartment and just kinda... threw up for three days, and decided to speak to no one about it due to how mortified i was). I've been in groups where emotional abuse was seen as "lesser" than sexual and physical abuse. Where some disorders were seen as more worthy than others.

Honestly? I'm lucky as shit. no one really hurt me in a way i can call abuse and not feel like lying. I have never been poor. I have never been homeless. My parents tried their absolute best.

You'd think that mean I would turn out well, unbroken, and be able to cope well with shit.

But instead it just means that when I started to get bad, no one took it seriously because obviously i was making shit up, i didn't have any right to claim i was ill when everything was fine at home. Even now, i'm repeatedly told over and over that some disorders are not possible for me to even have and that i must be lying about my experiences. People have sent me psychotic by dming me about how i must have forgotten my traumatic childhood that would explain it all.

I always feel like a dick when i ask for help, when i point out the fact that "having no trauma" is specifically why no one wants to help me. i don't really know what to do about it. I think there's just this "mediocre trauma" i have that is not "enough" for anyone. Shit that makes other traumatised people laugh because it's "so much less than they lived".

I was "just" bullied. I was "just" not believed. I was "just" screamed at for crying at annoying times. it's nothing "enough" to justify not doing okay. so i just continue to not be okay and i just continue hoping i remember some traumatic event that would feel like enough to deserve help and i just continue to hope i get worse and i just continue to put myself in danger in hope i finally get to that level of deserving pity.

i don't know where im going i with this. I just wish i had something to blame for being defective.