eve and her family were initially written to be catholic (because that is the ONLY religion i have any personal experience with) but im kind of enraptured (LOL) by the very concept of rapturing. so i think i might make them evangelicals instead? that will be such a pain though i have 0 experience with evangelicals. or really protestants of any flavor.

dinluke hcs because im holding out for them in s3

-neither of them are big spoons/little spoons. they both like to hold and be held

-going back to that, luke is a literal ice cube and din is a human furnace. they’re both pissed about it sometimes when cuddling because “din get off of me im already sweating”

-they have a lot of little silly arguments and make borderline offensive jokes about the others culture that is literally only allowed for one another

-that is to say tho… they don’t seriously argue a lot, but when they do it’s a fucking disaster

-either one of them goes off planet for a few days just to brood while the other considers burning their clothes

-it’s always about cultural differences within raising grogu. it happens mostly in the early stages of their relationship because they’re Bad at communicating at first

-while they work through their differences, the arguments lessen and they aren’t as intense

-luke has never learned how to fistfight. why should he? he can crush someone’s windpipe with his mind. din changes that

-“i don’t see why this is necessary training. im never going to be in a situation where i resort to using my fists”

-“sounds like you’re afraid im gonna kick your ass”

-“do you WANT me to throw you at the wall?”

-luke trains din with his darksaber. duh.

-they spar a lot. sometimes it’s to release pent up stress and emotions, other times it’s for fun, a lot of the times they end up having sex on the training mats

-luke wins almost every time except for when they go hand to hand, though din puts up a good fight and luke is always impressed

-SLOWWWW BURN before their relationship is established. they’re a little wary of each other at first, borderline slight dislike. but slowly din starts cooking for luke.. luke is offering to train him with his saber.. they’re opening up about their shared experiences with their messy religions.. they have a couple of drinks together.: the force starts to sing around them..

-back to the cooking thing. luke is used to sandy flavorless meals back on tatooine from his childhood and shitty protein bars from the rebellion. din has grown up around spices and intricate dishes from his covert. so when din starts cooking, luke is OBSESSED with his food, even if his spice tolerance is really bad. he holds back his tears at the start. then he gets used to it

-he asks din if he could replicate a recipe his aunt beru would make. of course, he agrees, despite feeling slightly under pressure to make it. it doesn’t taste exactly the same, he doesn’t remember how his aunt perfected it— but it still gave him that same familiar feeling of unconditional love and adoration

-din loves cooking for luke. anything he could do to show his appreciation and love for him, he’ll do it. he’s an act of service kinda guy

-later in their friendship din tells luke the fragmented stories about his childhood living in the village. about how his mother used to craft dolls and his father was a carpenter.

-“they would be so proud of you, din” and he starts to breakdown

if u wanna hear more drop some ideas <3

"I think it is bad to encourage people to believe things that are not true, and I want people to believe things that are true, and I would prefer it if we could agree about the nature of reality."

This specific sentence from ms/-demeanor scares me. Truth is subjective because our realities are subjective experiences. It sounds assimilationist.

If they're talking about Science that's different than truth.

That type of rhetoric is frightening to me.

yeah no ive been bouncing that line around in my head since i saw that post its so fucked up. idk how u can consider urself an anarchist and also believe their is a specific concrete fixed understanding of reality that we should all adhere to.

ive been steaming at this for the past whatever hours. i just fucking Hate white Cultural Christain atheists who get all infantilizing concern about us belieiving in our ~silly little fantasy stories~ and how rejecting this 'imperical truth' of atheism is conspiracy theory weird and dangerous

like ive seen Two different leftists in the past couple days make some argument of religion being harmful or even inherently abusive to children! Two of them! at a time when people are fighting to kill the ICWA, a law enacted to protect native children. A law thay had to be enacted bc of americas long violent history of seperating native children from native families because their beliefs and ways were viewed similarly

ik in the past similar genocidal practices being used to seperate jewish children from jewish families and that viewing judaism as an inherent danger to children is behind a not insignificant amount of blood libel.

and hey while we're at it. as a kid who was raised with virtually no religion bc of assimilation and parental trauma w church, it was incredibly damaging for me to not have Any higher power or loving being to really lean on. i spent far too much of my elementary school filled w existential dread and horror and im p close w a few people raised by atheists who described similar issues. this is not to say in the slightest that a lack of religion is inherently damaging to every child, and neither is being raised w religion

jesus pt. 2

i saw the christian youth group people at o-week at uni. they all have green shirts. i see them every year. this year i wanted to try find them and convince them i'm christian so they'd give me a shirt, but i thought of the idea after o-week ended. i would've loved to go up to people and be like "hey have u heard of the bible its fucking sick"

and there was this guy handing out little bibles outside the uni gate in week 1. it had all of jesus's quotes written in red font, which i thought was sick. i've always felt like the bible is a bit silly, cos surely it's just people writing about what they think god might be, and who knows if they were right or not! but for some reason, reading what are purportedly actual jesus quotes was exciting. like, finally the real deal.

here's some quotes i found:

LUKE 5 10 - do not be afraid; from now on, you will be catching men!

MATTHEW 6 28 - why are you anxious about clothing?

MARK 11 14 - may no one ever eat fruit from you again!

LUKE 2 49 - why were u looking for me?

MARK 13 2 - do u see these great buildings??

MARK 4 3 - behold, a sower went out to sow

MARK 5 30 - who touched my garments?

LUKE 7 23 - blessed is the one who is not offended by me

LUKE 10 19 - behold, i have given u authority to tread on scorpions

MATTHEW 15 34 - how many loaves do u have?

i told my friend amelia about this. turns out she's an amateur bible scholar and she really liked these quotes. she told me about how god would give really specific instructions about how he wanted his temple built, and would be really bad at communicating directly, and would only ever appear at inconvenient times or in unusual forms, and we realized god is probably really neurodivergent. he even had specific requests about the kinds of smells that would be in his temple, which is like so sensory.

and the jesus quotes i found sound so silly. like he's just this kind of bratty weirdo who's got these really touchy soft-spots and asks weird questions. which i really relate to!! reading these quotes was like so far the only time that i've actually felt jesus' presence in my life, like - oh yeah i see what u mean dawg, i'd be kind of annoyed if someone touched my garments too yknow. i'd probably start a story in a kind of silly way just like u with the sower going out to sow thing. and his whole "blessed are the ones who aren't offended by me" thing reminds me so much of shitty comedians who make jokes about trans people. i find it kind of endearing cos i love the idea that jesus would be so sensitive. both cos its funny (ur literally god its gonna be fine) and also cos low-key i'm a really sensitive person too.

so!

i don't really connected with religion in a religious way or an athiestic way. i did have the phase of being like "religion sux!!!!!" but after i wasn't forced to deal with it, i sort of just stopped caring. my dad is pretty buddhist, and he described going on retreats to me, and trying to get enlightened yknow.

and his description of enlightenment sounded just like how i feel when im kind of zoned out, so i told him that i'm enlightened all the time! and he got upset with me. or at least was just like, no, u don't get it. i feel kind of safer not understanding it. i feel like knowing i'm not enlightened is just gonna freak me out.

so anyway,

i was basically thinking about the idea that i had created a version of jesus for myself who felt real enough, from little fragments of text. and i was thinking about how religious people like the woman who spoke with me also have these versions of jesus in their minds, that speak to them. i remember the woman specifically said she didn't read books because god speaks to her and provides her all the info she needs. and as a non-religious person, i interpret that as her sort of working off instinct and rejecting stuff she doesn't like. which we all do to some degree!

i find it interesting that a preacher is kind of trying to give you their version of jesus, to colonise ur brain with their version. like how colonial empires rebuild their architectural styles in countries that don't suit the environment - like the hanoi opera house in vietnam.

or how trans people (heehee) resist gender colonisation inside their own minds and basically dress however they wanna. i guess some people are so good at this colonisation that they become empires, like megachurches or actual empires or whatever. and i feel like their colonisations are always violent and suppressive and unfair somehow. usually in obvious ways.

the currently ongoing genocide of palestinians under israeli occupation is another example. there's been a lot of propaganda to try to demonize the palestinians being spread by various sources, especially the israeli government and military. israeli political leaders have characterised palestinians as less-than-human, as creatures of darkness, as whatever. that's kind of a colonisation of the mind, and also a justification for a real-life actual colonisation, one that's killing thousands of people for LIKE NO FUCKING REASON.

anyway,

human relationships can be like that too. we can kind of passively mingle our minds together and change a bit. we can show eachother our favourite movies or music, we can share ideas or stories. we can teach a friend a coping mechanism we use which could change their life maybe. we can just spend time and let eachother know that our delusions are both unique to ourselves and also valid.

the chorus of "teletype" by everything everything

DONT TALK A LOT, BUT I LIKE IT, COS I CAN'T TELL YOU EVERYTHING THAT WENT ON.

it's a description of a relationship where the narrator is acknowledging that we can't FULLY know eachother. just like how colonisation can't occur without violence. you need to just kind of accept that we can't be perfect for eachother, we can't be copies of one another, because we are seperate. we all experience different stuff. and that's not actually a bad thing - it's whatever it is. it can be fun, actually. talking to someone can be like playing. learning isn't really copying, it's more like sharing and iterating.

i guess that's kind of the idea behind my project. i'll explain more in another post !!!!

i have a question that may sound weird lol. i follow youre account and its clear that youre a big lgbt supporter. (idk if youre also lgbt sorry) i recently watched xoxo kitty. its a western k drama which has lgbt in it. there are 3 love interessts, and i always see myself rotting for the lgbt opinion. ( im one of the few) and i always ship the lgbt couples. i always just crushes on guys, but im never really interested in anything sexual , but when i thought about it, i would probably choose to be intimate with a girl this way (and not with a boy) maybe im bi? anyway the problem is that i always see a lot of homophobic comments. a and a lot are from religion people who are like "If youre gay you go to hell" "youre gonna burn in hell with the devil" and dumb stuff like that. tbh i dont believe in god or hell or anything like that, so it always is really delusional and dumb when i see such saying. also i doubt that beeing lgbt is something so bad that that would happen. like its not bad and not that big of a deal imo. also if you compare with how many psychos and criminals in this world. (i think in the show love victor, this was a thema before) but idk it still kinda affects me and sometimes i think about it. (im generell scared with the dead and everything) like i know there is generella lot of homophobia in this world. and im used to it, thought it hurts and makes me angry, but this hell thing is really affecting me a little to enjoy lgbt content and to go there with another girl (even thought i dont believe in stuff like that) i know this is long and a little silly, but do you have advise?

Hey Friend! I am a HUGE supporter of anything LGBTQ and I also consider myself drifting somewhere along the Bisexual spectrum. I'm not an overly religious person, but I'm not an atheist. I believe there's a higher power, but I'm not entirely sure what that is and I'm not too much worried about it tbh.

What I can say is that American Christians (I won't speak on any other religion because other religions are tied to culture) love to pick and choose what they deem sinful to justify their hate. Always screaming about people going to hell for being gay when they murder and commit infidelities like they're competing in the Olympics. Those are the fake Christians. And I personally believe Christianity is rooted in Anti-blackness but that's a whole other thing.

Real devout people don't push their religions or beliefs on to non-believers and non-conformers. Religion is supposed to be a personal thing because when people die they don't typically arrive on the other side with other people do they?

Also there's nothing inherently heterosexual about society and there never was. Non-hetero activity has ALWAYS been around, before some religions.

My best advice to you Friend, is if you don't believe in it then don't waste your time being worried about it. People can believe in Heaven and Hell all they want but no one knows what happens when the lights go out. And even if there was and your soul goes there, who is to say you actually get to experience it? That a person has cognition beyond death to witness such places as Heaven or Hell? People don't know anything but what their beliefs dictate.

If think you may want to be with a woman then that is no one's business but yours. If you want to date women (depending on where you're from) it's okay to explore it or not to explore it. That's completely up to you.

I have learned that sexuality is spectrum and realization doesn't always result in manifestation. You can be a bisexual person who has never dated the same sex or vice versa. It's a truth for you and you alone. You could be on the Ace spectrum or be Pansexual. There's fluidity in sexuality and it is free for you to get acquainted with whenever you are ready to.

Unfortunately there's going to be hate in this world. It's always going to be there. People tend to hate things they don't understand and are too afraid to try to understand. The only thing you can control is how you feel about it and how you react to it.

Also you can watch queer content for the sole purpose of enjoyment. It's ok. You don't have to have a reason to enjoy it but I think the enjoyment is better when you personally relate to the content. You don't need to justify it to anyone.

I hope this was helpful.

 raymond headcanons.. they aren't entirely fleshed out and they're like "what if it was like this? that makes sense". so sorry if things dont quite make sense or isn't that thought out.. also there may be errors here and there but this isn't supposed to be a polished document its just a rough collection of headcanons i haven't done much with other than like... thinking of them lol

some of this stuff i've posted before but i'm going to reshare again

polokus in origins is described as "an artist and unabashed hedonist" and i see him as just that. immature. he loves all his creations, of course, but he's not exactly responsible. he sees the nymphs more as friends than his daughters. he's more concerned with people liking him than doing the right thing. when he has his first bad dream, he cowers and doesn't want to do anything about it, or he's too scared? this leads to betilla having to do everything herself, she gets help from the other nymphs and creates rayman

the masks of polokus represent his different formes, or perhaps different eras. polokus is a shapeshifter and can be whatever he wants to of course, but he has a "default" he likes to stick with. when he finally changes his "default", a mask is made of the previous forme. for example, polokus from rayman 2 and polokus from the ubiart games are him in different "eras" if that makes sense. their cultural and historic significance could be expanded upon definitely i think but i havent thought too much more into that lmao. the wiki on rpc says that the four kings look like the masks but that sounds more speculative and feels like a stretch. i don’t buy that at all, i don’t see the resemblance

polokus loves all forms of art, and as a result, a lot of the glade's "religion" boils down to being creative and creating, and a lot of magic in general require some form of art, such as dancing for certain spells (the way teensies open portals in r2 or w/e). the people of the glade create art, sing, dance, to keep polokus inspired, amused, and happy so he doesn't have any more bad dreams. i thought about the nymphs all having a corresponding art form, with, obviously, holly being music and edith being culinary, but im not sure what annetta or helena would be. helena maybe textiles... annetta im not sure what i would do with her since she's the most... withdrawn nymph

polokus’ feelings on rayman’s existence are complicated since he is the only creature not created by him. he doesn’t know what he’s capable of, but he’s done a lot already in terms of stopping nightmares and foreign threats such as the pirates. he’s impressed, intrigued... a bit intimidated maybe..... he respects rayman and does love him (polokus has to love every creature after all)

im not sure if the muse of the poets is considered to be actual canon since it appears she was only mentioned in a license guide and not in any other official media. but she's a popular character and i like her too so she gets mentioned. she and polokus fall in love and she has their children, the teensies. she is disgusted by them and runs away, leaving them and polokus forever. she is disgusted by herself, too. if her children are ugly, she must be ugly as well. she becomes obsessed with making herself beautiful, and having beautiful children. she eventually becomes begoniax, which you know how that turns out...

betilla: polokus' pride and joy, she loves him as a father, but is disappointed with his lack of responsibility. when she was younger she was very mischevious and much like him. she learned magic just to be able to pull pranks perform elaborate pull magic tricks. eventually when the first bad dream happened, it was a wake up call. she tried to get him to do something about jano but he wouldn't respond to her. she took matters into her own hands since she was the most magically capable of anyone she knew. with the help of the other nymphs, they created rayman. she's been the "responsible" one ever since. if you catch her in a good mood she might be a bit playful but her days of frivolity are long gone. likes to knit and crochet when she has the time (which is rarely), and spend time with her sisters.

other nymphs: i dont have quite as many headcanons about them, but they are rayman's aunts obviously. edith is rayman's favourite aunt since she's a good cook, followed by holly, who has taught him everything he knows about music. helena is very enthusiastic and a bit overbearing. annetta is the aunt that never shows up to anything

the nymphs all have an element tied to them. betilla and fee de la mort obviously being life and death. holly is air, edith is fire, anetta is water, and helena is earth. seems pretty obvious this part but i've rarely seen ppl attribute helena with earth despite the fact she lives on a mountain...? (stone men, stone dogs, golly g....)

ly is interested in the magical workings of the world and is especially fascinated with lums and their power. betilla sees her potential as a magic user and has accepted her as her pupil. another reason betilla has taken a liking to ly is that she reminds her of her own youth, since ly is fairly playful as well, using magic for tricks. ly is initially just interested in rayman because of the fact he's a being entirely made out of lums, but it eventually turns into a genuine, and close, friendship.

a lot of fairies and some teensies can make "weak" silver lums to give to rayman, but they might not do much, or the effects are temporary. only ly and the nymphs are able to give rayman powers with "stronger" silver lums.

polokus does not dream of every individual in the glade. he dreamt of the first peoples of each species, then they procreate by themselves. most places in the glade are natural, similar to earth, but polokus' dreams may affect them (the icy parts of gourmand land is an obvious example. giant fruit? that's silly)

teensies: naturally hairless and there is little dimorphism between the sexes. their fashion is inspired by the fairies', and have adopted to wear wigs, false eyelashes, fake facial hair, etc. all teensies have the ability to perform magic but they have to actively for it to be useful. teensies with an interest in magic will attend a magic school. the best of the best of teensie magic users can become a minimus, and, of course, the best out of THEM become the grand minimus. there are many teensie races, and each may vary in size, colour (turquoise like in the ubiarts, more grey like in 2 and 3. usually just varying shades of blue), markings, nose length and shape. some races may be more adept at certain magic styles than others.

mr dark: i have some ideas but nothing concrete. might not even go with this story as my definitive headcanon. fairy. he was always critical of polokus, and after the first bad dream, that made him hate the god even more. he was the one who wanted to stop jano, and maybe become someone powerful enough to be seen as the glade's new "god" or whatever. betilla has proven herself to be the better magic user after the creation of rayman. polokus' main thing was that he was the creator, he was able to create life, and now betilla's able to create life. she may as well be polokus! she's a threat! when he steals the protoon/heart of the world and eventually kidnaps betilla, he uses her power to create dark rayman/raymesis. raymesis is *not* was not created by dark by himself, and he would not have been able to pull off this feat without betilla's knowledge of creating "thingamajigs". rayman and raymesis are the only two thingamajigs known in existence, both created by betilla. not saying it's impossible that others could exist, but they would have to be dreamt into existence by polokus.

dark's obsession with being the most powerful person in the world and becoming a god is why he stole the heart of the world, of course. ales mansay would take inspiration from this event. his views are similar to dark's, that's why he worships him. polokus is a terrible god, he lets people suffer. rayman is a terrible hero, all he does is sleep. ales knows he wouldn't be able to reach the heart of the world and instead tries to build his “own” using lums (maybe not exactly but something comparable... the heart of the world is made up of lums after all). i know that's like, duh, canon information, but it was never stated *WHY* he looks up to mr dark. so now you know why. its bc they both hate polokus

the temptation-2 : Kim Taehyung

1 | 2 | 

paring: jeon jungkook x kim taehyung x reader

genre: smut, innocence,celibacy, corruption,seducing, going against morals,

summary: Church. School. Work. Home. Home.work. school home. It was a hell of routine. But it was old. It was getting way too old. This pure innocent life was just a facade nowadays. Your mind had fell into the fifth circle of hell. And your boyfriend jungkook realized this. Especially after you cheated on him with the person he hated the most. Taehyung. And now according to him you would burn in hell for it. How long could you keep your legs closed after reviving oral sex from taehyung? Could you keep the rest of your innocence or did you really want to burn in hell like jungkook said you would? Book 1/7 in the bts series

notes: this series is about sexual desires and religion don’t read if your not into that or are against. you’ve been warned.

unedited but enjoy

Although you were at work your phone had been ringing all day. You knew who it was already and you wish he'd just stop and give you a break. You didn't want to deal with anything else. Yesterday Jungkook broke up with you and you would like the pain to subside before dealing with Lucifer. Plus everyone was sent the video of you and Taehyung and you were to face that soon when you went back to school after Christmas break. you just hope your parents didn't receive it or you'll be dead.

"Can i take your-" your phone rang in your back pocket startling you- "order." you finished. Your customer looked at you weird and you inhaled and exhaled. It was safe to say that it was time to turn it off as soon as things died down in the cafe.

"Yeah i'll have black coffee on ice," the guy that was balding from old age said.

You rang him up and your co-worker started on his order. The next person in line came up and your eyes widen when you were met with Lucifer himself. what the fuck was he doing here? you began to internally panic but on the outside you look cool, calm, and collect.

He leaned in on the counter, "you're not answering none of my calls what was I supposed to do?" your eyes fixated on his lips and you stopped breathing- flash backs hitting you like PTSD.

"Why would you show up here?" You whispered yelled becoming angry. You felt embarrassed seeing him now that you were sober knowing the sinful things he had done to you. Plus you were at work and now was not the time to talk about anything related to what happened over the weekend.

"We need to talk,"was all he said looking seriously.

"I cant right now, i'm at work,"you growled.

"when do you get off?"

"never"

"y/n come on" he pleaded.

"In an hour."

"fine, i'll wait for you."

"no."

"yes."

"no."

"yes."

"fine! hurry up and order or leave your holding up the line."

he leaned back up and turned off to sit down somewhere the person behind him giving him a dirty look as he was holding up the line.

one hour later...

You had clocked out and counted you drawer helping the next person get settled in for their shift. and when you were done you went to where Taehyung resided and stood, you looked around. "I don't think it's safe to talk here."

he realized this and he stood up and followed your form.

The cold hit you as soon as you stepped out of the cafe and instantly you wanted to go back in. You were annoyed that you left your coat at home of all days. Taehyung noticed this and quickly took his trench coat off and wrapped it around you. He walked you to his car and he had the courtesy to open the door for you before getting in himself. You sat in silence as he walked around the front of the car to get to the drivers side, thousands of things running threw your head as you waited.

He got in the car shutting the door with a thump and turned it on so he could warm it up. he blew on his hands rubbing them together a he tried to warm them up. However you were warm in his coat the smell of him filling your senses of his Gucci cologne.

You looked down as you waited for him to start the conversation. Once satisfied with the temperature in the car he turned to you.

"Are you okay?" was the first thing that came out his mouth Because he didn't know what to say he didn't want to make you mad in any way. He liked you too much.

"Yeah," was all you replied looking anywhere but him.

He stared at you watching you and your body language he could tell that you were uncomfortable with the current situation and he felt like he was to blame.

"I'm sorry-"he began.

"It's not your fault I wanted you to- you have nothing to be sorry about."

This time he looked down. "I don't want you to be mad at me and I promise I'll find who ever sent that video to everyone."

"Don't worry about it the damage has been done."

"Does he know?"

"Of course he knows.."

"What he-"

"He broke up with me of course. And he said you and I will go to hell." You forced a smile but it didn't reach your ears. It was obviously forced and it broke his heart. "Is this all you wanted to talk about 'cause i'm kind of tired and i'm going to miss the bus-"

"I'll take you home if you miss it." He held onto your contact, his eyes twinkling. God he was so handsome and so dangerous and it scared you even more now because you didn't know if you could control yourself around him. You fell into his arms like silly putty before, it could happen again.

You breathed in again. God he smelled so good. He probably tasted delicious. literally. You shook the sins out your mind.

"Fine," was all you said as you tried not to concentrate on sucking him off in the back seat of his car right now.

"I just hope your parents don't find out they already hate me enough."

"you and me both." you Smirked slightly.

what was this? could you two be something if you got over jungkook? he was a nice boy. but he was bad. you didn't know if you could take him. you weren't used to being touched. and he was so touchy. he put his hand on your forearm and touched the skin there as in to comfort you but why did your mind always make everything so sexual. it felt so sensual. and you pulsed between your legs. you just wanted him to touch you more, you liked the feeling of male touching you. it sent you into a craze.

"id say id take it back but then id be lying." your pu$$y reacted to his words. the same words that came out that same mouth that made you cum. mmm. talk about temptation. he was so tempting.

"can't live life with regrets we all do things for a reason what's the point in taking them back?" it wasn't exactly the response he wanted from you but it Was good enough.

just then the bus came and gone and you watched it go.

"alright it looks like im going to take you home," he whispered in the silence of his car.

you looked outside of the window the snowfall on the ground that had melted some had remained. the streets were cleared and the snow was casted to the side of the road.

moments went by...

"im hurt that he broke up with me but everything happens for a reason. i keep telling my self this. maybe if one day he could forgive me id feel better but until then i feel like shit."

he hated hearing about jungkook but it wasn't about him. it wasn't his place to be mad you weren't his. even if he did steal you away.

"i guess you're right everything does happen for a reason." was all he could say with out sounding possessive over you. " i will say that im going to get a lot of shit from him. he might start shit with me,"

"he won't." You assured him.

'cause if he does he'll look like the weak one- and one thing jeon jungkook hates is being week. he's going to act like it doesn't bother him when we get back to school. that's the type of guy he is."

taehyung didn't say anything he just nodded his head.

"what about yo-"

don't worry about me too much. ill get a lot of hate and what not but its okay. ill manage."

taehyung hated this he hated that this happens, he didn't care about himself but he didn't want you to have a hard time.

"if it feels any better, what you did for me was the best thing you could have done it felt so good. if it wernt for you i would have imploded by now. he would have never done that for me. he wouldn't even-" you stopped yourself before you admitted things he shouldn't know.

"he wouldn't what?"

"nothing," you shook your head looking back at the snow.

"its okay tell me."

you hesitated, but why not? its not like he was with you anymore.

"he wouldn't even kiss me."

taehyung was really taken aback."seriously why?"

"because it will lead to sex."

"not always. you could stop when it got to that point."

" that's what I tried to tell him but he wouldn't listen."

taehyung was mind boggled, "so the whole time you were together he has never kissed you?"

you pressed your lips together and shook your head.

"wowwwww, he sighed throwing his head back against the head of the seat.

"so was i your fist kiss?"

"you were my first everything so far." you blushed even though he could tell inside the dark car.

he smiled looking down. " i kind of like the Sound of that."

you blused even more. it was too much to handle. your heart was beating fast again his sent engulfed you smothering you like you were in his arms which if you were in his arms you wouldn't complain. not one bit.

"i am sorry that i dragged you into this mess." You admitted.

"its okay, trust me im not complaining."

you looked at his side profile he was so alluring. fresh new. it exlierated you. you wanted to touch him all over, fuck him in his car, make out with him in bed, but that would be too much.but you kind of didn't care. but you would keep your dirty thoughts to yourself. you were already in hot shit. you fucked everything up with jungkook you didn't want to fuck up more.

but being around taehyung made you want to do things it always did,and when you finally did it when you got drunk, you knew that this was your true self there no reason to hide who you were. you were a sexual human and it was human to feel like that. you shouldn't have to hide who you were. it was natural. you shouldn't have to feel ashamed of yourself. jungkook made you feel ashamed of your self. and that's where the depression resided from.

it was only a matter of time until you exploded. oh wait....

"well should i take you home?" he said looking at you.

"yes..." i want you to stay though.

"okay let's go," he started the car and began to drive off.

you wish you could say your thoughts aloud.

Anonymous said:Maternal and paternal figures don’t have to be romantic though lol so you are still delusional..

What?

Im sorry what?

Okay. Okay little pumpkin pants. 

1. It’s an INTERPRETATION. An interpretation is how you put the information together and come to a conclusion on a meaning. Seeing as there is basis for my interpretation in both canon and real life, I am not delusional. It is possible that I have a wrong interpretation or partially wrong interpretation, and THAT’S OKAY. As new information comes out, I adjust my interpretation to fit the new information. There is really no other way to understand a story or situation that is ACTIVELY happening and changing as we experience. You HAVE to go with the flow.

2. That’s not what delusional means.

characterized by or holding idiosyncratic beliefs or impressions that are contradicted by reality or rational argument, typically as a symptom of mental disorder."hospitalization for schizophrenia and delusional paranoia"

based on or having faulty judgment; mistaken."their delusional belief in the project's merits never wavers [google it]

You don’t agree with me, but reality and reason don’t disagree with me and I don’t have a mental disorder that would interfere with my ability to analyze a story. There’s evidence for BOTH romantic AND parental Bellarke relationships. Do you want them to be both? No. Is it faulty reasoning or contradicted by reality? No. Stop thinking that things you don’t like are evil or corrupt or crazy. Your preferences do not dictate human morality.

3. In order to become the mother and father, a couple needs to have a baby. The archetypal way, the original way, to have a baby is to do the horizontal mambo and make one. So the ESSENCE of a mother and father couple is, actually, BY DEFINITION, they had sex. CAN a parental couple adopt all their adorable babies. SURE WHYNOTNOPROBLEM. But to call describing a mother and father pair as a MATED pair, aka not platonic in nature, is not delusional. 

4. A mated pair, mother and father, husband and wife. No, it’s not necessarily romantic. And that’s because ROMANCE is kind of about courting and falling in love. An established relationship doesn’t actually need romance. Maybe you don’t realize this because you are still in a juvenile level of development, where your focus is on finding someone to bone, so the primary concept of mating for you is about “omg does he/she really like me?” But I am old. BTDT. So is JR, actually. Old. AND BTDT. He has said that he has modeled Clarke and Bellamy’s relationship after his relationship with his wife. That is an established couple, with two children, that has lasted what? 20+ years? I’m guessing. No. It’s not all about boning anymore. Guess what? That’s not so bad. Does it EXCLUDE romance and boning? No it does not. That’s still a part of an established relationship. A MATED pair, means, literally, they are mated, have mated are mating. Mating means literally boning to procreate. That’s how you get a family. Not the only way. But that’s how they start, my little confused everlasting gobstopper.

5. Every time one of you says I’m delusional, I get depressed about your education. I’m pretty sure most of you are calling me that are not under 18 and actually have made it through high school english. I need to explain something. I’m not doing something esoteric here. I am doing BASIC literary analysis. This is what you were taught in high school. Come up with a hypothesis, defend it with evidence from the canon text, and then come to a conclusion on what it all means. This “meta” you guys get all het up about? This is a simple analytical essay. True, I have more of a background in the topic than most people, so I am pulling on a wider range of evidence than most, from literature to science fiction to fashion design to film making to comparative religion. But just because I know more about a topic than you do does not make me delusional. It actually makes ME an expert, and YOU a novice. Not knowing something about a topic doesn’t make that topic invalid. And it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you. It is VERY easy to google the topic and learn a little bit. When someone talks about a book or a concept that I am unfamiliar with, I go straight to google. I literally do. Here. New tumblr interpretation that I’ve never heard of? Let me check that. Oh hello, wiki. This is why I am not ignorant. Because I don’t assume that things I am unfamiliar with are delusional. If you have no idea what I am talking about and it seems delusional to you, I suggest you google what I am talking about, and you will find hat I am talking about, generally, an academic discipline that has been around for centuries if not millennia. Now, scifi? That’s more like 100 years, Well, I mean, it does actually go back a little farther but TV scifi is like...while pulp novels started earlier, the genesis of sci fi as more than just silliness is Star Trek. But anyway. STILL not delusional. Just over your head. Do you hear the *whooosh*?

6. Please stop calling basic literary analysis “delusional.” You are making me really depressed about fandom’s ability to think critically. And then you lol at me for having theories and interpretations and making connections, and you just sound so freaking willfully stupid. Please god start thinking. Stop listening to fake news, and thinking alternate facts are real. Go to the source. Look for evidence. Question speaker’s agenda. Don’t be a sucker. Use a dictionary, please! Google shit, for godsake! JUST FUCKING GOOGLE IT SO YOU DON’T SOUND SO IGNORANT AND YOU AREN”T LED ABOUT BY YOUR NOSE BY PEOPLE WHO JUST WANT FOLLOWERS.

7. I did my best with this fandom. I can’t be held responsible for them anymore and I’m washing my hands. Y’all want to keep up with your dumbass fanwars, acting like JR is your enemy? Keep me out of it. 

@lezzyharpy.....you blocked me but i’m going to reply cause your apprently 26..... And I can’t not address this cause fuck my brain.

-good fucking g-d how the fuck do you take “you cant claime to defend us while simultaneously mocking our beliefs” as a challenge. how are you misreading shit this badly - um well that’s not all of what you said. Like i’ve never heard an atheist say religious beliefs are children’s stories but I have heard them say they are fiction, comforting stories, fairytales/ myths... but anyone who thinks all religous stories are kiddish....really lets their kids read some violent stuff. And you claim believing that makes us antisemitic. Your saying not agreeing with you and thinking what your doing is a waste of time so personally want none of it , and not just you but all religion but “you do you” is insulting and mocking you!? You’re claiming that is being antisemic. There’s a huge diffrance between “ fine soccer a boring, pointless waste of my time and I have no interest in it and this is why but I can see you enjoy it and get fafillment out of it so go ahead i’ll cheer for you and be happy for you” vs “I hate everyone who plays soccer I think their the devil and we should ban soccer and beat up soccer fans. I think soccer is a illness. I think they are disgusting and not like us/ i’m going to sit back and let other people say and do that to soccer and soccer fans.” Also your acting like we think we’re better than you because we don’t belive in it.....largely....no... we are just AWARE we have unprovable things we like to belive that make us feel better and we know we could be wrong about everything we think we know, we are open to being proven wrong on facts and scientific proof would prove us wrong ..... that is litrally the soul diffrances. I don’t judge all my religious friends just one ones who think they are better than everyone else and are “at war” with everyone not as ““Enlighten as them” because of that religion. Your mocking atheist for acting like “Ohwiseones” and yet when I was religious and not the most mockly self righteous people I’ve known have all been religious. You mock us for acting like the  “o wise one Knowing better” and yet that is the bases of every damn religion! “you are the chosen none dilousional ones god has taught better than silly unbelieving fools” ....and you are litrally talking to me like your all knowing and i’m dumb filth....

( for the record what was acturlly said v)

- if we ask that you not mock our beliefs that is not….. even remotely the same thing as saying you must have the same beliefs as us-

  right it shouldn’t be but your making out it is. because apprently unless we act like you know better than us or likely that myth is equal to fact or agree that spending endless hour of your time and most your thought process worshipping a god that no one can prove exist and belive that this one specific book is full of wisdom truth and sense and agree that his rules are good and he is good you know just cause “he” says so in his book , unless we agree that that sounds like a good use of anyone’s time, and is the healthiest way to deal with life and nothing bad ever comes from it and none of it is asking you to belive some really bizarre unproven things and think that there couldn’t possibly be another way, or we’re just not honest about it and never express our view point ever about anything religious, then we’re antisemites ......that’s how the logic your putting here comes across.

-how are you this fucking dense -   ... litrally insulting me...  but ok: Or maybe apprently you don’t know what you’re implying?

are you really gonna ask how you were insulting while you compared us to dogs? - 

.......ok first off you know that’s a well known saying/metaphor right? If I said “you’re look a gift horse in the mouth” you haven’t litrally done that ether and your gift is not litrally a horse or being compared to one. Second I “compared” us both to dogs...and i’m not a Jew....I was also a dog in that situation!  ....or at least that’s how I was picturing it: one dog barking up the tree the other laying in the grass chilling watching out....a metaphor is not me acturlly saying we are dogs🤦‍♀️.....do you not understand sayings? ok without the saying, what I was saying is: from where I am stood I think your using a lot of time on effort on somthing that’s not real and to me it seems a bit silly but i respect that it makes sense to you, so long as no one really gets hurt, I’m not going to judge you or stop you, i’m just going to mind my own business but be ready to go after anyone who does judge you or try to stop you......so yeah that really wasn’t a insult but apprently you want to stretch for them so...

 - and yea i brought up jews specifically cuz im jewish you dipshit, and as for your “oh woe is me how could i have possibly known”…

your reading comprehension is fucking pathetic- 

ok first off  again the only one throwing insults here is you, the only one calling an actual person names is again you. The only one not trying to understand the other persons point of view or why they said somthing is you. Second you listed “Jews, Muslims and minority faiths” and then use “our”..... grammatically that means yeah you’re likely at least one of those, but it doesn’t specify which. Also I wasn’t ...“woe is me”...ing... i really don’t know where you got that level of drama and victim playing from. I just didn’t want to assume, I had figured you probally where Jew but you could just be a Muslim who cared more about Jews them themselves, or another majority faith, 🤷‍♀️ Hell you could even be a troll pretending to be a Jew, I litrally don’t know you  so I have no idea who you really are and have to take your word on stuff just like you do me. And you didn’t fully clarify so I didn’t just assume. And all i’m saying is funny how quickly your dropped your “defence” of Muslims and other faiths and how your not answering my questions about how you view other faiths and beliefs.

-take a fucking step back, reread the original post, and consider what it is about a jew asking that people not mock our beliefs while claiming to support us that made you feel so fucking targeted, and while youre at it, question why you think a call to not mock our beliefs is a call that everyone must hold our beliefs. if you wanna talk about projection youve got some serious fucking introspection to do first- 

here’s the thing, it wasn’t that part, alone, as you are declaring it now.  Cause by the rest of what you said i’m pretty sure your not talking about things like insulting charactures and stereotyping of Jews right? Your not talking about someone crashing a religous ceremony or mocking it, or laughing at /ripping off your religious clothing ,or Phyically trashing your book ,or visiting your temple and violating the rules or yelling their own views and how stupid everything is during the sermon, or telling you Jews are demons (or somthing not human and insulting) ,or Acturlly picking on you for being a Jew or any stuff like that? Cause yeah ok those are mocking and insulting, gross and deeply disrespectful,. That would be a horrific way to treat you and I’m not defending any of that, I would want to punch anyone who did those or alike to you. Heck I would even defend you if someone outwardly called you dumb just for believing in the possibly of a god because who fucking knows, nothing in life is 100% certain other than we here and we’ll die.

 But that’s not on the lines of the exarmples you have, which to me seem very dramatised and exsadrated anyway. But by the rest of what you said i’m betting you’re talking about people saying stuff like “ i’m not gonna lie I think it’s kind of daft that you think snakes could litrally talk but if that’s what you want to do ok” or “ok I think it’s kind of silly to waste your life trying to please someone you don’t even really know is there but it’s your life” and “ you know there’s a good chance you only belive what you do cause you where brought up to” ...and those aren’t mocking you they’re disagreeing with you and expressing a diffrent point of view. They might be hard to hear but that doesn’t make them insults, it doesn’t mean that person thinks less of you! over all i, and i’m pretty sure most on the left, would never really mock you only express our own point of view of things, we might mock and insult you back if you first mock us or try to convert us and won’t take our no and reasoning for an answer, cause your being really fucking rude then. But if you say your going to the temple most of us we’ll say” ok have a nice time” and mean it!  if you say you need to pray about somthing we’ll say “ok cool go ahead” and mean it!( though some might Be uncomfortable depending on context Ei if your just going to pray away cancer and not get treated),  if you ask us if you can pray for us or somthing most of us will be cool with that but we’ll be honest about how we view religion too and we’re not going to agree that everything in your religion is wise, super healthy and sensible, we not going to lie and tell you we think any of it is true . We don’t think religions are true, at best to us it is a heavily myth based self written history you want to belive in, but if it brings you a sense of fulfilment then we won’t judge you we’ll support your right to belive and practise that because we all have our things like that; so please tell me what is insulting, mocking and wrong with that?! Religous people often belive i’m ether a demon tricked fool or some rebelling monster who wants to sin and deny god so I can wallow in my evilness.....now those are pretty insulting, but when religous people just think what I belive is dumb and wrong 🤷‍♀️ Cool we deeply disagree but ok. It’s not insulting, sure I might agrue why I have that view ,but they just don’t agree on my view of things. and if you find that insulting or mocking then logically you just have a problem with anyone who doesn’t 100% agree with you 

-but you can do that introspection on your own, im not in the mood to continuously coddle you assholes while you stumble fecklessly through learning basic decency, so learn that shit behind a block- again the only one throwing insults or being “undecent” to anyone is you. The only one belittling here is you. And blocking helps nothing but ok i’m still going to write this reply cause your sense of logic bugs the crap out of me. Have fun thinking anyone who dosen’t think religion is truthful and pumped with wisdom is antisemic .....I really hope you get my point some day though cause thinking that way can’t feel good. i have litrally 0 hate or hosititly towards you,or any Jews for being active Jews, or your faith or your right to practise it in any land, so on, and that goes for all religions. but you can keep being mad at me cause you think people who think organised religions are largely a scam,or the old books are more myth than fact,  hates you or thinks less of you and has a problem with you or your faith existing .....really don’t but 🤷‍♀️ i’ll still help you stand for your rights against those who acturlly do hate you and are hostile towards you and your right to faith. 

I love reading your rambles about your ocs and their classpects I’m all over that kinda stuff but I was wondering if you knew any of their designs bc I feel like that whole dynamic would be really fun to draw!

!!!!!! omg anon this is so nice im so happy someone enjoys my ocs!!! man i did have designs for them which was detailed in that sideblog which is sadly, gone, dead, lost to the wild

umm i should also probably develop them further and give an actual story but. from my memory.

Mari [witch of breath] was white, on the shorter side, with really frizzy shoulder length blonde hair (because of the constant blizzards on her planet and the wind) eyes were a light brown. she usually stayed in her god-tier but winter-fied <- shes a rouge oc i dont have a good group with her yet

Gamma Session: [this is what im calling the other group of kids]

since most of their previous information is lost / forgotten theyre kind of a blank slate rn which means super open to change. i think all these characters would be 17-19 i havent really decided. also was not planning on writing this much but damn i guess i miss these kids

Maha [Sylph of Rage] [she/her] i changed her name since having two marys would be confusing in the long run even if its funny and shes Muslim! i have to be honest i dont know much about Islam as a religion or more specifically where she would be born / culture / how that shapes her a person so im definatly gonna have to do more research into this. and as well im gonna be careful with my words since i dont know exactly the right terminology.

well maha is a very calm person who deeply cares for her friends. shes good with words and will often be the voice of reason as her friends panic. she falls behind jack as his second in command. i think she would struggle with balancing her friends emotions, as a sylph of rage she uses their anger as fuel, keeping them inspired and motivated. but pushing that anger and negative emotions can have bad consequences. also shes hard-of-hearing and uses hearing aids!

as for her apperance! her skin is a light brown, shes tall [5'10 - 11' ish] and thin. she would switch her veil in different stages of the game or based on her mood, her main / first appearence she would have a shayla on [my friend wears this!! i hope i got the name right] and i should probably give it a color but honestly im really bad with designing clothes. also she has very pretty dark brown eyes <- that is an extremely important detail. um overall i would describe her style as elegant?

Jack [Mage of Mind] [she/he] jack is probably the one thats been around longest and i have used him for many other stories, sometimes the others are there sometimes they arent. i was actually planning on scrapping the homestuck part and making these four be like a ghost hunting group but then i scrapped that as well lol

jack is stoic and extremely perceptive. she plans everything before-hand and thinks shes very good with understanding people and how they work. for the most part shes right but people are unpredictable. when her friends dont act according to the plans already made or what she *assumed* they would do, that causes extreme frustration. shes deadpan but often gets wrapped up in silly events! cant draw for shit and is extremely bad with design / visual art

hes white with short choppy brown hair. 5'6.5 but rounds it up to 5'7 [projection...] cause it sounds better. wears boots to be taller since theyre cool. he wears tanktops with jeans usually but will wear skirts when in the mood. has scars in various places mostly just from picking at skin, tries to avoid this by painting nails and picking at that instead. has multiple peircings [eyebrow, five on right ear and 2 on left, nose] teeth are absolutely jacked up so he wears braces but gets embaressed by this fact <- maha thinks its cute

Donn [Bard of Doom] [he/they] my boy..i am so sorry i was kind of a bitch to you when i was younger but you shine the best under pressure and also he gets probably the best and most fufilling character arc out the four

very much a mad scientist type but not very successful since everything he touches seems to break. all his machines seem to explode with no warning, animals avoid him like the plague and plants always die no matter what they do. doesnt let this stop them tho! hes doesnt care much for the damage he causes and has no regard to any rules that have been set up. hes careless but not violent, he doesnt destroy out of enjoyment it just happens naturally. theres a turning point though when he has to face consequences of his actions [most likely a result of maha fueling his destructive tendacies / negative thoughts, what happens and how it comes about is still a wip] and he shifts into a very paranoid and nervous person <- this will have to be expanded on as its a change of character as result of plot not an inherent trait they have

hes black, slightly chubby, and about 5'8-ish. hes taller than jack at least who insists its just their hair which is shaved on the side and curly on top <- i would say 4c but over the course of the game he lets it grow out. always wears a white lab coat and goggles mostly for the vibe, his clothes are constantly getting dirty bc of poison / explosions / etc but he just has an abundance of lab coats that he switches out into. other than that he wears basketball short, tee and flip-flops. is missing two fingers on their left hand from an accident as a kid.

Anda [Thief of Blood] [they/them] oh baby. so i mean this in the nicest way possible. they are the vriska of this session. a very controversial character especially within the friend group. i would also like to say that they, while a bitch, are not a horrible person.

so a thief of blood is someone who steals blood, obviously. this means they steal bonds, they steal friendships, wiggling their way into groups and trying to take people they like, isolating them from the others. a big conflict happened between them and jack bc of this, they tried to 'steal' maha. this happened way before the game began when they were younger, they never talked much after that. the main focus in the game is them trying to pull the same shit but being shut down completely. they do have a redemption arc

theyre chinese, about 5'4 and really fucking strong. physically they are the strongest out the group, broad shouldered with strong arms. long black hair they keep up in a ponytail, sometimes a bun. they enjoy dressing up! the outfits made during the game would most likely be elaborate dresses with complicated patterns. they always have their knuckles wrapped with bandages

-------------------------

as for relationships:

maha and jack: bestfriends and at the start of the game they just got together

donn and anda: they like to bully him and try to rile him up, he is the closest friend they have in the group though

anda and jack: they do NOT get along. this leads to phsyical confrontation between eachother during the game, they do have a heart-to-heart later on

maha and anda: its. complicated. she doesnt hate them but they arent close anymore

maha and donn: pre-incident they were super close! theyd come to her for comfort after his accidents. post-incident its very awkward and they dont talk for a while

donn and jack: they have a sort of sibling relationship. constant jokes and deadpan humour mesh well together

-----------------------

ok! i sure did ramble about these characters. i guess now im obligated to start thinking about their story / session. there would also be trolls involved as well but i have no idea who they are or how their sessions interact

um most of the personalities were sort of molded around their classpect since that was the whole point of making them lol i still have to think of exact powers / weapons they would use but yea thats the gist.

Memories come and go, but they never fade.

Tonight reminded me of how i should never expect overly too much from others. You are right, and i am wrong. I'm wrong because i expected what i shouldn't have. I am upset because i care about you. But i'm not really upset mainly because of you, or because of whatever. I'm upset because it reminds me of everything i did in the past, to make me the person i am today. I'm upset because life is ironic sometimes. Ever since i was a kid, i've been blessed with a loving family. But i also had to deal with seeing others suffer from a young age. My own brother, sick, others, with mental health problems and various disorders. I was exposed to seeing this side of life in others ever since young. This bitter side, that i cannot forget. I remember going overseas to treat my brother's illness, fighting with others in the playground to protect him. I saw others suffering from a young age. That made me emphathetic towards others, but bitter as well. I didn't understand why i couldn't have a normal childhood. I wasn't allowed to sniff around my brother or even chew loudly because it would set his tourette syndrome's tics off. I kept my feelings to myself since young. I was bullied for 6 years in primary school and never told my parents or anyone. I dared not because i think deep down i felt they had enough to deal with. I wanted to be a good kid, to save them problems. I love my parents, they have been great to me and we share a good relationship. But all these things that happened made me reserved and shy. I developed the habit of keeping to myself. Just to specify, i was NEVER born this way. I was actually a active and happy kid. But i learnt to keep to myself. I didn't want to trouble those i loved with any of my problems. Till this day, i still feel this way. Because of this, i started seeking love elsewhere. I looked for love in the wrong places, at the wrong age, at the wrong time. This was probably the most damaging to me in the long run. Initially, things were alright. I got hurt and would move on. But one relationship really struck me real bad. In that one relationship, I experienced what it was like to give all you can and not receive what you hope for deep down inside. It was toxic. I fell into depression because of it. We broke up 3 times and EACH time i begged to get back together because i "loved him". He made me feel like i had no dignity, no self. I was even stupidly willing to deny my own God, my religion for some guy who would never love me the way i wanted. Now i see that it was the wrong choice, wrong time. Nevertheless, it hurt. That was the relationship which killed almost all my trust in relationships. I got so depressed i tried to overdose on medication. A stupid decision, because I ended up in hospital and I insisted on leaving the hospital early because he couldn't visit me in the hospital. I couldn't walk for a week afterwards because of the overdose. I was giddy, sick and disoriented. I was not normal, basically. Eventually the relationship ended, and I ended back in hospital one more time. This time i was forced to stay in one in case i went to kill myself. Reflecting upon it, how much i hurt my family, who were with me through it all, must have been horrible. I know it sounds dramatic, but that's what i was. I just didn't know how to handle my emotions in the right way. In my defense, i was also emotionally manipulated, but i could have left the relationship earlier. While in the hospital, I cried till my eyes had scars on them. My friend even thought i put mascara, that's how shitty i looked. Knowing that i was in hospital, he never came to see me, not even once. I remember how painful it was. I was given stupid antidepressants everyday and till today I STILL CANT change my medicine habits of taking meds for small things (and its also how my IBS stomach issues started) After getting out of the hospital, i went through a time where i would date just about anyone because i was so damn desperate to forget my pain. I ended up with someone who i later realised i never even loved. I thought that being close with some one in certain ways would mean i would receive love. But later i realized this was not true. Then one day, i met my current boyfriend and the person i love. He helped me out of my depression. He was the one to give me my confidence where i had lost all of it. He did not become my confidence, but he showed me that i had many good points and was worthy of love, unlike what my previous boyfriend had showed me. He accepted my past, my hurt and the fact that i might not be able to love like i used to again. I will always be grateful and love him for that, for being there for me always during my toughest times. Our relationship has had ups and downs, but i know we love one another, no one is faultless and we both try our best to love as best as we can. Anyway back to the topic, so my bad experiences with people generally made me really wary and closed up to myself. It scares me to open up to others, because of the fear that things will turn out bad. I don't initiate friendships, for fear of being rejected. (also partly cause i got overly high expectations of people which i know is bad cause i got alot of issues myself, i am well aware) Therefore I'm generally a lonely person, i keep my issues to myself and don't open up to people just anyhow, because I can't. Unfortunately, this means when i do have the chance to have a few friendships, i put in more effort and care more (in some cases get confused and care more than i should i suppose?) Which you are right, is probably a bad thing became im too emotionally involved. Even in my current relationship, fully being vulnerable is a great challenge to me. I feel like i always have to be on my guard, for fear of getting hurt. I know it might seem silly, but its just how i feel. So when you asked me if i'll be alright, i will. But i just wanted to write down how i feel and explain why i feel this way. Things may be clear to a lot of people. But everyone is a different person, with different experiences. To be honest, i've already changed a lot these few years. But sometimes i can't help but feel lonely-depending more on a few friendships, and confusing things in process. It hasn't been easy for me these couple years too. I've lost a lot that mattered to me, including my health and it has taken alot to get my life back together (2 years, to be exact). I'm not writing this in hope of pity from anyone, but simply for understanding. Some things aren't so black and white, and cannot be easily determined. I know i was wrong in getting confused and expecting more than I should've, honestly, but i also felt i needed to say why i am this way. ( its definitely not towards all my friends ) so i cannot explain fully why either, but i hope some part of what i said at least explains part of me or why i behave the way i do. I can't explain everything, but i just felt i needed to write down how i feel. These thoughts have been stuck inside my heart for years and honestly either than my bf and two other close friends no one even knows. One of the reasons i've returned to Church is because i've finally realised we can only place our full hope in God, and trust him in all difficulties. I hope that no matter what happens, he will be with me, to guide, comfort, love me. Alright so that's the end of that. Just needed to get this off my chest. I've been holding it in long enough anyway😅 And really, I have no hard feelings towards anyone. It is just a reflection of me and a chance for me to say how i feel and why.