eve and her family were initially written to be catholic (because that is the ONLY religion i have any personal experience with) but im kind of enraptured (LOL) by the very concept of rapturing. so i think i might make them evangelicals instead? that will be such a pain though i have 0 experience with evangelicals. or really protestants of any flavor.

so i wanted to rectify this part pon further reflection (specifically abt JnS at least) w what i was saying earlier. while obviously the characters are going to be affected on a personality level by their respective kind of opression and obviously where thwy intersect with others', i now think that's not the true purpose of the story.

but the more i think about it the more it seems to me that it's there to facilitate certain situations or types of interpersonal relationship. am i making sense? that their oppression exists vaguely and/or marginally from the actual character development, or that is defined through the rejection of other things, as a shadow of itself and its material qualities. that the story is not about them but how they set up other things?

say, for starters, obviously J or any random Joe or Jane character on the 60s for that matter, wouldnt start articulately and verbosely describing their complex relationship with xy or z about their identity in modern term bc yk, Exposition, not what im asking for. but moreso it's the point w her that despite it being technically her story, so much is told from other people's point of view or from this more distant style of narration. few internal dialogue; more action oriented, at least for her. at how many points does J say what she feels abt her gender versus the more overwhelming verbal and physical statements other people do to negate it or validate it. while directly affected by it, storywise it's more relevant the effects of the oppresion it has on her personality and the personalities of others than the way itself those two characters' opressions are related.

paul, for starters rectifying he's half ethnically jewish but mostly always christian, not a *religion* convert itself. as far as the story is concerned for the plot, it or his jewishness is defined by what is or what's not christian, by what is not-jewish or un-jewish, what's 'un-normal' (for the american identity), not by almost any definition of what it 'is'. he disavows his father, even if just through indifference didn't care much his traditions (esp gone his mothers wishes too) and is an avid christian, so his story is not so much *about* being jewish so much as is abt how he feels abt it being a shadow, a ghost that creeps behind it. am i conveying correctly what i mean. even christianity (in many other works from places where christianity isnt majority and a given anyway) is more important in the kinds of people (characters) or associations abt character it creates rather than any specific belief. it's not about christianity either.

so paul dislikes J (for ex) not because he's christian but bc she lives openly and 'incorrectly' in a way he can't bc of the things (stability, belonging, etc) he gets though being 'correct' by the acts and appearance of performing christianity, not for christian beliefs.

rita escapes me right now but i hope im conveying my point abt (and i will keep it between JnS, TnS and ktknu for now) ethnicity/race so on while technically relevant to the characters it could very well be better defined as a narrative tool before it is actually important or the foundation to the character/stories. that is not their mariginalizations that instersect but their residual personalities caused by them. or something.

hi!!! I’m a puertorriqueño/nicaragüense enby looking into resources for learning bruja stuff, any good place you know to start?

I’ve gotten a couple of asks about this lately, and i’m so happy to know there are more latinos finding their way to the practice, tumblr’s brujeria tag often gives the impression that theres so little of us out there reclaiming our practices but getting asks like these brings me a lot of faith that thats not true :) first and foremost:

GETTING INTO BRUJERIA IS HARD.

it really is. baby brujos like us know that better than anyone- getting started, is often the hardest part of doing anything, and its no different with brujeria. it can feel so overwhelming and feeling lost is natural. from my experience, although i am still a newbie ive been able to find a lot of information out there, here are the best places to find info, sorted by priority:

FAMILY! a little self explanatory, but brujeria at its best is truly is an inherited, familial practice. If you can, before delving into internet resources, definitely connect w your family if you’re able to and ask them for guidance and about their experiences!

Your family is always the best resource over anything you can find online; theres so much misinformation out there or information not relevant to your region and if someone in your family already has established practices, always trust them first

 Do some thinking back to all your cultural traditions, quirks, stories, and superstitions that you’ve  learned from your family across time and never thought too much about- and rediscover them under a new light

KEEP IN MIND: brujeria is NOT a singular , concrete practice w concrete rules in itself, the term blankets a lot of traditions across latam, the caribbean, mexico, but imo its always best to stick with brujeria related to your heritage and where your connection is.

this can be hard for people (like me!) with huge family taboos toward brujeria that make it unsafe to ask around about, and/or limitations in family connections (also like me unfortunately). I personally can really only get the tidbits and stories that my family accidentally slips out when I occasionally see them. i try to write them down as much as possible, but the info i can get is limited... and thats where the following comes in.

ONLINE COMMUNITIES. i.e, youtube, tumblr, instagram brujx communities. notice I haven’t said “internet” in general- the reason why i trust community based social media more than random individual websites you find on google is because, in the case of brujeria and honestly any non-european craft, you’re often gonna find a LOT of white people writing blogs, books, etc about their “spiritual experiences” in latam countries and wrongly/incorrectly taking ATR or indigenous traditions (like with smudging). I know, with social media, although those same white people are also on insta and tumblr, it’s a LOT easier to see the face behind the accounts and differentiate who to trust, who’s legit and has real experience to share, rather than a nameless, faceless, website that is actually some colonizer sharing colonized ideas who thinks theyre on a spiritual journey taking traditions all willy nilly. And the fact that in social media, its much easier to find a lot of good brujas at once bc they tend to follow each other lmao.what ive personally done to find information tho is essentially SCOUR tumblrs, insta accs, and watching tons of youtube videos for posts, accounts, videos, etc, and narrowing down good info from there through , namely:

CHECKING WHO YOUR SOURCE IS!!!

ASKING YOURSELF FROM WHAT EXPERIENCE THEYRE SPEAKING FROM

ALWAYS TAKING EVERYTHING WITH A GRAIN OF SALT

AND STICKING TO INFO FROM CULTURES OPEN AND RELEVANT TO ME.

again, brujería is different depending on where your family is from in latam, and if you have an established connection to indigenous and/or black roots, so it’s useful to use keywords relating to that when searching (like if ur black, you can look into ATRs(african traditional religions) which tend to mix deeply with brujeria, if ur indigenous, finding other people from your tribe is great, and if youre not pursuing your already learned traditions you can think about connecting to them more deeply(altho indigenous traditions are their own thing, sometimes they do mix with brujeria too), and apart from familial roots, if ur catholic/christian and/or want to explore it, saint work/catholic brujeria might be a good fit for you!)  

tumblr: there are a couple of fantastic brujxs on this site with great blogs and resources who have sadly left the site, but i still go through their posts heavily for spells, rituals, scraps of info! etting started w brujería is hard bc there’s really not that much info out there right now, but i compile as many good brujeria posts i find on my acc.

@brujeria-n-bongs great for catholic brujeria, now at @Upliftherbs on instagram

@brujeria-lost @barberwitch @reina-morada @highbrujita

@naomi121406 is by far the most active and informative tumblr resource ive found, shes an afro-indigenous diaguita curandera from argentina so shes also really helpful if ATRs are in your path!

Im not black myself and dont follow ATRs so i don’t really know many good blogs for afrolatine brujxs out there but if anyone would like to tag some in the replies thatd be awesome!

instagram: Ive found that instagram #brujeria tags has a pretty healthy active stream of posts. You’re gonna have to sift through a lot of them to get to the good stuff though- imo a lot of hispanics use the brujería tag not to mean “latine brujería” but just the spanish word for witchcraft, so a lot of white hispanics will put wicca/neo witchcraft in the tag. imo that’s really not something i’m personally interested in bc it’s not true to brujeria’s traditional nature, is very white/eruropean , and that wicca shit basically just got here. its a relatively a recent thing😭 so i try to stick to bruja accounts that aren’t influenced by that.

youtube: The youtube brujería tag is hit or miss? and again, contains a lot of wicca. But there are some good practitioners on there like The Mexican Witch! You just gonna look around, and dont be afraid to click on videos by really really small youtubers; they often are the ones with the most informative and legit things to say!

Everyone’s path as a bruja/o/x (sjdf trying to be inclusive w gendered language is difficult) is different but here are some topics i think are great to look into as a beginner!

ancestors: start at the bottom and figure out who they are, where theyre from, and set up an altar. it’ll help you a lot with figuring out your identity and path as a bruja later on.

setting up a grimoire

divination: tarot is actually what got me into brujeria at first! tarot isnt strictly traditional and is european in itself but its a wonderful tool for connecting to dieties, saints, etc as well as super fun and helps a lot with introspection

ritual abrecaminos, aka road opening spells!

amarres (love spells... proceed with caution)

limpias, mal de ojo

saint work: even if you’re not catholic (im ex catholic), a growing number of us (especially lgbt latines like @/upliftherbs on instagram) are starting to take back and decolonize our view of saints like La Virgen Maria and removing her from the rigid european/colonized interpretation thats been forced into us

candle spells in general (i fucking love candles tbh, cheap, easy, fun, and WORKS)

spiritual colognes, how to cleanse

finally, here are some helpful posts yall should definitely read and think about moving forward!

about using tumblr as a resource

about looking into brujeria as a part-white part latine

bruja psa + about reclaiming lost indiginety

honestly naomi’s entire brujeria tag is great and super informative for beginners and basically holds answers for almost anything at this point

hope this post helps yall out!

EDIT: oh lord now that this is posted the outline format i tried to use is all kinds of fucked up please dont mind the odd numbering lmfao tumbr hates organized formats

If, I were President of the United States. (I just wanna state I’m not a democrat or republican)

First I’d enforce Quarantine and extend it. I’d also attend the poorest families or individuals first and provide them with the financial assistance they need. People are struggling hard enough as it is living paycheck to paycheck.

Second I’d shut down the schools as I believe safty more important especially for the future kids who will rule this place. I also don’t like how schools give so much homework and stress. They just condition kids into beleiving working 40 hours a week is normal and that you should be lucky to have weekends. Staying in classes all day then returning home only to be forced to complete more homework that takes up time and robs them of social interactions. These schools don’t even test knowledge. They test obedience and reward them for being quiet little slaves that will slowly become a “regular worker.” They really don’t care about how smart you are, they test memory over all else, when they study a subject and pass the test they move on quickly to the next one stressing them out. If they failed the test, to bad they’re still moving on with you. (Sorry this got way of topic. I just hate how schools operate and also how low they pay the teachers)

Third I would dismantle the police force and create a new one. A better one that focuses on real problems like sex trafficking and drugs. All the horrible crimes that are allowed to fly under the radar. Any excessive use of force would be heavily punished. Fired, fined and jail time. No shooting at peaceful protesters, seriously dafaq is wrong with them unleashing hell upon unarmed civilians and sneaking in rioters to escalate it to justify the force.

Fourth, gold is a finite resource. Pretty much all the money you’ve ever spent is fake, all digital backed by nothing. Personally I hate it but you’ve all becomes achstomed to it so I would attempt to fix the economy so people can afford essential things, like homes and food. Instead of kicking out homeless people Id build shelters. They make it to easy to fall down into poverty and nearly impossible to climb back up. Once you’ve been arrested, once you’ve been homeless, you understand the struggle of trying to reintergrate with society. The easiest path become the dark one. I would attempt to control the population, America is a gigantic habitat and likewise it has a carrying capacity. If you’re gonna argue people have to pay unreasonable amounts of money for food you’re crazy.

Immigrants are definitely allowed as long as they follow the rules and don’t commit crimes. America was litterally founded on immigrants. American stole land from the natives violently and even managed to capture Hawaii, which was its own nation. They taxed us and recognized us as a small power. Iolani Palace has electricity flush toilets and even phones before the White House did. Queen Lili’uokalani signed in duress. It horrible and sheforfeited her whole kingdom in exchange for the people, as a leader should. The people make a country, the government already should put the people first. Without all the hardworking Americans working, there is no country.

We don’t serve the government. As a government worker we serve the people. It’s our duty to ensure everybody is treated fairly. To make sure everybody that we oversee has the essentials for life, a home and food.

And for LGBT rights. I personally don’t care what the heck they do. Love is love, let it be. They can chose to identify as whoever they want and pursue relationships with whoever. You can’t force things onto people. America is supposed to be freedom personified, we can chose to do as we please as long as we don’t bring harm to others. Those camps are wrong. America is also religion free, you can be whatever you want, Christian Muslim, litterally anything. Being a satanist is totally legal as long as you don’t hurt anything. Believe in what you want and don’t force it on others. Gay people are amazing! We all are, were all human and we can change and create change. We are all human at the core and we always have been. We have a right to love, and to be loved by all around us. Love is love, let it be, theres always been love. I can identify as a man or woman, and I can damn well love either as I please as long it’s reciprocated. I’d always rather say I love you too much then not enough.

Climate change is real. The pollution of those stupidly large companies is also VERY real. As an individual you contribute less than a percent of the actual pollution, it’s literally the big corporations. That needs to stop. I’m not exactly sure how but I AM GOING to start a wave of change that will benefit the worlds health. We all live here. This is not political, I don’t have time for games, scientists that have studied their whole lives are begging for us to change. We can all have solar electricity farms and then it’d be FREE. “But you can’t charge people for that you can’t make money.” I’m NOT TRYING TO MAKE MONEY I DO NOT CARE ANOUT MONEY. IM AIMING FOR SOMETHING BIGGER THAN GREED THE BETTERMENT OF HUMANITY. I don’t care about ruining electric companies and other random fossil fuels bullshits that will run out, I want the future to be bright!

Screw it im going off the rails, schools main courses should focus on stuff like self sustainment, like farming and wilderness survival. Creativity because that’s the most human thing about us! Empathy basic Psychology. Kids can get mad they should learn and understand why. Understand why they feel the feelings they feel and giving them all better emotional control. EMPATHY. They need to learn things like taxes since they’re such a big part. Also why the heck are taxes so complicated. It’s just targeting the illiterate foreigners and immigrants who struggle and try to understand it and I believe that’s horrible. Make it easier to become apart of America the land of freedom and the getaway from the crueler areas of earth. Maybe just limit the population. Also seriously fuck off with taxes! Why the hell are you charging and taxing 14 year olds that aren’t allowed to vote, thats taxation without representation.

Taxes should be like Mario kart and Ancient Greece. Quote from some thing I googled

“The philosopher Aristotle developed the theme. His "magnificent man" gave vast sums to the community. But poor men could never be "magnificent" because they did not have the financial means. True wealth consists in doing good, Aristotle argued in the Art of Rhetoric: in handing out money and gifts, and helping others to maintain an existence.

The idea is simple the higher up you are on the financial ladder the more you have to pay taxes and contribute to society. The large taxes from the rich help fund financial aid for the poor and stuff. The rich did not earn that money they climbed to top on top a mountain of millions of shortcuts and underpaid workers It should be an honor to be taxed and help the poor people survive. Like in Mario kart, the higher you’re placed the harder it is to maintain it and the last place people always get the better power ups giving them a constant fighting chance. At most I believe wealth should be hoarded to sustain like one generation of kids, two at the most. Maybe three but theres no reason anybody should have all that money that your never going to spend or all that money that becomes worthless once a war or breaks out or aliens attack or something. Life is more important than money. Something simple everyone should consider.

I think everybody should be able to pursue a career and each career should be sustainable. Enjoyment in a job of your choosing without worrying about financial burden. Jobs would be divided into smaller simple groups and the pay would based on their contribution to society. Like doctors getting paid more and getting teachers paid more, but small retailers wouldn’t get paid as much but they could survive not living paycheck to paycheck. The motivation is everybody should free to pursue the hobby they love without being punished. Maybe little Timmy doesn’t want to be a firefighter, maybe he desires a simple fun life selling flowers. That’s fine! Maybe they don’t wanna become the hero but it’ll be an honor to society. As long as you have a job that contributes to society you can live for free. If everybody is constantly trying to make the most profit, then we all become a bucket of crabs dragging each other down. I can’t sell my $10 good that costed me $2 to make. Also the whole buy back thing irritates me, I spent $60 on this goddamn game and GameStop can only give me like $10 in store credit or $5 in real life? That’s isn’t fair and that applies to pretty much everything. That’s $1000 phone you bought is barley worth $357 right now. I’m pretty sure it didn’t cost that much to make these things but like DAMN. Capitalism sucks.

In summary, I don’t know much about politics but I would be the human party. I don’t care about left or right. I’m the one that doesn’t care about money. I care more about life and creativity. Peoples right to enjoyment and living a happy life with others regardless of gender. Survival of the human race and advancement into the future where more things are free and we can constantly focus on creating an even BETTER one. We can’t go anywhere without each other especially if we’re all just a bucket of crabs. To greedy and self destructive constantly looking out only for themselves. Seriously get your act together humans before you kickstart your own downfall. If we’re all trying to make a profit, nobody does. The best things in life are free. You can pursue wealth for your future or you can focus and live and enjoy and love the now. Mario kart style, where all in this race for life and we all deserve a winning chance.

please go off abt detective loki,,, im curious to hear what u have to say abt him!!! 💖

*SLAMS CHAIR DOWN*

SO. YOU WANT ME TO GO OFF ABOUT LOKI.

Praying for you that this read more link works bc otherwise this is gonna be a Cursed Post to all my poor followers. Shit gets long. I have A Lot to say akdjfshfk

Thanks to the investigative skills of the amazing and wonderful @deputyrook (ily), I recently learned that Detective Loki’s backstory included such things as: serving time in juvie, he was formerly religious, and he also possibly suffered from some kind of drug addiction he’s now clean from. It was briefly mentioned in the movie that he spent 6 years in a boys’ home (a rather rough one, by the way Loki talked about it). Boys’ homes are, by definition, “residential sectors where boys are provided food and care when they cannot be adequately cared for by their families, either due to a family crises or the child’s own behavioral issues.”

What this tells me is that:

A) Loki most likely had some heavy childhood trauma that drove him into being a “bad kid” (not that such a thing actually exists, imo, but that’s another essay for another day). It probably took well over a decade to get himself stabilized.

B ) Loki of present day has no family, no personal connections, no friends, absolutely nothing to call his own except the clothes on his back, his car, and... maybe a place to live? I assume he has one somewhere, but we never see him there - he’s constantly either prowling around town or at the station.

C) Loki’s occult tattoos, and his general distaste for anything religious, probably come from an internal place of feeling like some higher power abandoned him along the way. I have no doubt he carefully selected each one to have some personal meaning, but ultimately they all tie back to distancing himself from Christianity (double that if he was religious as a child, or came from a religious family). This also makes me wonder if his last name was something else, and that he changed it to “Loki” upon getting himself back on his feet.

D) Heading off of the boys’ home note; boys’ homes, like most other institutions in the US, legally can’t force residents to stay once they turn 18. Assuming his time there ended at 6 years because he aged out and went off on his own, well, for one that means he was admitted when he was 12 years old. Which is... wow. For two, that means his behavior was never necessarily resolved. Which, given how Jake plays Loki, I’m inclined to believe (I’ll touch on that later).

All of this leads me to some interesting observations during the movie.

For one, Loki is amazing at staying the “adult in the room” in the face of belligerence (e.g. Keller Dover losing his shit in Loki’s car). I know personally, it is almost physically impossible for me not to get my back up when someone else decides they want to take some aggressive tone with me - and I am about as far as one can get from a “troubled kid.” So I have to wonder how many years and how much abuse Loki endured to be able to choose not to respond to people antagonizing him? I have a hard time believing it was just police training that got him to this place of neutrality. And it seems to me like he’s making a genuine effort to stay calm, and to calm the people around him (”please just let me do my job”).

Which leads me into something Mrs. Dover said. “They say you’ve solved every case you’ve ever had, is that true?” And to be fair, I assume Loki’s silence there is supposed to imply that that isn’t true, but it implies so much beyond that. It implies he puts 100% effort into his cases, that he barely sleeps when he knows there’s a chance he can put dangerous people behind bars and save innocent lives. It also implies he feels deeply about the cases he hasn’t solved, or the ones where he got the perpetrator put away but the victims didn’t make it out alive. He carries that with him, constantly.

We see more of this when Keller recognizes his daughter’s bloody sock. His immediate response is to blame Loki. “This is your fault. You didn’t try hard enough. You did this to my daughter.” And Loki says nothing, he doesn’t make any different expression - but his eyes twitch. Jake Gyllenhaal remarked that this was a physical tic he improvised for Loki, one that served as Loki’s channel for intense emotions and/or becoming overstimulated with thoughts and information. Rather than actually emote, his eyes twitch. There is nothing newly informative or particularly overstimulating about the bloody sock scene, which leaves only intense emotion to be the cause of that twitch. And given Loki’s panic when he was searching Bob’s house and boxes for Anna and Joy, I doubt it’s anger. I’m willing to bet it’s that Loki already feels that way. He’s blaming himself. Keller just spoke Loki’s own feelings into existence.

I’ll circle back to that in a minute, because I think Loki making his cases so personal is very telling of his character.

Now, to go back and touch on why I think it’s most likely Loki aged out of the boys’ home rather than graduated - Loki has adapted with his behavior, he hasn’t resolved it at all. It does not seem to me at all like Loki has therapeutic strategies, especially considering I’m 99% sure any therapist or behavior counselor would not encourage bottling up your emotions and disconnecting yourself from human contact. Loki made these steps on his own. He learned to redirect his anger to people who deserved it by becoming part of law enforcement. He decided that he was safer closed off and unavailable to intense emotions. He might’ve even decided other people were safer stuck on the other side of his walls.

There are a whole of two times Loki clearly loses his temper - when Bob keeps drawing mazes rather than giving him a straight answer, and when Bob kills himself and Loki realizes he just lost his best lead. While these are both reasonable things to get worked up about, he reacts so intensely and so personally to them that (circling back to my earlier point) it tells me, deep down, there is an incredibly soft and vulnerable heart in there that’s been locked up for decades.

Loki didn’t want Bob to kill himself. He didn’t mean for things to escalate that far. You can hear it in his voice, he’s genuinely shaken and upset by what just happened. In the following scene when he basically destroys his desk, that is directed at no one and nothing but himself. He’s so angry at himself - for not understanding Bob’s maze, for getting Bob killed, for having to tell the Dovers their one suspect is gone, for feeling helpless when it comes to finding the girls. Loki doesn’t deal well with other people’s failure, but he doesn’t even accept his own.

And I mean - do I even need to mention when he finds Anna? The man is bleeding profusely from a bullet wound in his head, he’s half unconscious, he’s a long way from the hospital, but he doesn’t even think about any of that. He makes it his one singular goal to get her to the emergency room even if he dies trying. And the way he talked to her? “Stay with me Anna, don’t die, just hold on.” I know on the surface it’s obviously just a tactic to keep her (and himself, let’s be honest) awake. But it was so deeply feeling, so honest, so raw, so panicked?

I don’t know, man. I’ve said things to other people before that I wished someone had said to me, and that’s what those lines sounded like to me. Which, if he had been a drug addict at one point, and if he overdosed but no one was there for him? The puzzle pieces fit.

And then to have people visit him in the hospital? To have someone call him a hero? He has no idea how to react to that, because I’m guessing neither of those things have ever happened to him before. And he isn’t really sure what to say to someone being so overwhelmingly grateful for and to him. So he doesn’t really say anything. His eyes just twitch. We can fill in the blanks.

The man has a soft heart, a vulnerability that he refuses to let anyone see, but it’s there. He’s just as scared and angry and confused as Keller 90% of the time. He just hides it better.

Which, ultimately all of this leads me to the conclusion that - for as far as Loki’s distanced himself from religion, as clean as he is now, as stable as he is, as well as he’s channeled his anger, as guarded as he keeps himself - this entire job, to him, is a chance at redemption.

Loki doesn’t think he’s deserving of love. He doesn’t believe he’s capable of having the kind of stability the Dovers are so familiar with. He doesn’t think he can just slide into a friend group after all these years. He doesn’t regard his own life highly. But the ability to save other people’s lives and keep dangerous people locked away - that’s his apology to the world. Of course he cares about these cases because he’s a good man, but it’s more than that. It’s that he believes this is the only way he cant repent for not always being a good man.

Which leads me to his first name. I’ve rambled about the symbolism of his name to @deputyrook before, but David. David. Given all of the Biblical symbolism in this movie, personally my mind immediately leaps to David and Goliath.

David - detective Loki and his desire to be a good man - is in a constant war against Goliath - Loki’s own trauma and troubled past. And there really isn’t a way to have one without the other, which makes Loki’s character so tragic. He isn’t ever going to heal, not completely, not when his entire career is him trying to apologize over and over again. He solves almost all the cases he’s given because he won’t, can’t, accept more failure.

Loki’s last line in the movie is “pray for the best, prepare for the worst.” For being a character so deeply centered in anti-religion, that’s an odd line to make his last. Combine that with how strange it is that he wouldn’t also change his first name, if he changed his last name to distance himself from religion. His name, and that last line, might just be symbolic of the few shreds of hope he has for himself. Hope that maybe he can have what the Dovers have, the hope that maybe one day when he’s gone he’ll be remembered by somebody and for something good.

Because that’s really all he wants, all he can hope, for himself. Since he doesn’t think he’ll ever have human connection, or love, or a family - as much as he would like to have those - he’ll settle for being just a little more than somebody’s bad memory, or being a little more than some name on a headstone.

So...I’m back on my bullshit, y’know, watching more documentaries about “father-daughter purity balls” and writing my feelings about them. 

But this time, they interviewed frat boys, which tbh was much better than I imagined it would be. They were surprisingly sex-positive? One guy straight up was like “too many people put sex up on a pedestal, but it shouldn’t be”. I agree random, frat boy. 

They have a chat with the despicable institutions known as “[crisis] pregnancy centres”. You don’t have to be a doctor/nurse to work there--only a “Bible-believing Xtian”. We love manipulating pregnant people into doing things they don’t want to do /s/. Moreover they, of course, offer abstinence-only sex education. 

Wowza, people seriously talking about religious guilt in regards to sex (and in general). And he’s still an Xtian yet not shitty! That’s not to say I dislike all xtians but rather to say ive had enough bad experiences with them to be cautious. Good for you, mate. He said that Xtianity dampens a person’s ability to express themselves sexually--even if they are married (as in his, personal experience but I believe it).  Xtian man strikes again, saying that saving yourself for marriage doesn’t make you better than anyone else. Again: good for you, mate.

An American Idol contestant is being interviewed on a radio show? She’s so pure uwu /s/. SHE SANG A SONG ABOUT PURITY. I fucking can’t. It’s called “Count Me Out” if you were wondering. This concept of “spiritual purity” after you’ve chosen to lose your virginity (and done so consensually) is so silly to me. 

Damn one (1) queen points out that “saving yourself for someone special” is shit when you get married to someone you later find out isn’t all that special. Then they provide a quote that says “Evangelical Christians have the highest divorce rate out of any social group in the United States” (source provided: The Barna Research Group). 

1996 - “The Silver Ring Thing” was founded

*TSRT is apparently a stupidass abstinence-only education program

*“gOd cReAtEd SeX aND MarRiaGE”

*“PRO VIRGINITY MUSIC AND SKITS” WHAT IS THIS? Every time I watch one of these videos, I feel more powerful as a non-married, non-virgin

*They claim “safe sex isn’t”....okay Karen AND the US Gov fucking aids in its funding im going to kms

*“Are you both virgins?”

“My religion is Catholic” --> this carries so much “I thought you were aMeRiCan” energy

*“a “women” [who they define as “women”] is supposed to bleed the first time they have sex” NOnoOnonononononnoNOoo. You might, but that’s not a given if you’re properly aroused STOP TEACHING YOUNG PEOPLE LIES

*This mans also claims, basically, that you’ll never bleed again after losing your virginity when you’re “supposed to” but that is NOT true--people with vaginas can bleed any time that penetration occurs. Again, it depends on how lubricated and/or aroused you are--not virginity (lube is your friend, trust me.)

*I’m going to punch him “spIriTUal HeALiNG maDe heR BLeEd on Her WedDinG niGhT”. NO, IT DIDN’T! She just wasn’t properly aroused and or lubricated (probably because your virgin so-called friend is ignorant asf). He also considers this “healing” IM GOING TO LOSE MY MIND

*...the story wasn’t really about his “friend”...it was about him...so he’s the dumbass here--USE FUCKING LUBE. ANd he shares this story with people???

2005 - ACLU sues TSRT bc it uses tax dollars to promote Xtianity 

2006 - TSRT refuses to change and loses federal funding 

Good for the ACLU. The US Gov is supposed to be secular (though it’s often not, and I recognise that). 

Dr. Douglas Kirby “The Grandfather of Sex Education” appeareth and local fucker compares safe sex to drunk driving while wearing a seatbelt and smoking filtered ciggies. More at six. Dr. DK throws down about the merits of comprehensive sexual education.

Aforementioned fucker claims that his “research” on condoms revealed that they’re “not effective” (when used properly, they most definitely are btw--in regards both to pregnancy prevention and preventing STDs). 

“When you’re using a condom you’re having unsafe sex. When you’re [practising] abstinence, you’re having safe sex.” -aforementioned fucker

Journal of Religion and Society (2005): “Higher rates of a belief in a Creator correlate with higher rates of STDs, teen pregnancy, and abortion. 

A woman who had an abortion (unknowingly) makes the case that religious guilt often makes people feel bad about having an abortion. Also, her ex-boyfriend was a real wanker, so I wish Penny the best. 

Annnd some of the frat boys end up being expectedly shitty later on -.- “no woman with my baby is getting an abortion”. Go fuck yourself. 

Aforementioned fucker doesn’t believe there ought to be exceptions for abortions in the case of rape or incest. I’m...disappointed but not surprised.

Abortions used to be covered by Medicaid?? Why is the US so good at going back on decent decisions and being an asshole, instead? And the feminist writer who points this out is a whole ass comrade, talking about how the poor are being especially fucked over by anti-abortion legislation. 

Dr. Claire Brindis points out that the “pro-life” movement is really hypocritical because it doesn’t support government programs that would aid poor, single mothers they so desperately want to keep from having abortions. 

Ffs Teddy is complaining about being sleepy and ready to go to bed, so idk if we can finish this tonight. There’s less than 30 minutes left though! Maybe I can bribe him.

Dr. CB - some women tell me “the only way I could get out of a gang was by getting pregnant” oh deer, oh my. But also...that’s probably not the best environment for a child. DR. CB also says that CSA can cause [afab people] to engage in/want relationships with older men...so that explains a lot about me.

The United States has the highest rape rate among countries that repost such statistics - 4 times higher than Germany, 13 times higher than England, and 20 times higher than Japan. 

Yikes, yikes, yikes. Feminist writer woman is back with straight facts: “age-appropriate sex education starting in kindergarten can protect children from sexual abuse bc if you’re not talking to [them] about what parts are private, [they aren’t able to tell an adult that they’re being abused because they don’t always realise what’s happening is abuse].” 

Random aside: there is a stripper talking about how she was raised Catholic and now teaches pole dancing, and she’s...very talented. 10/10 do support. you go, gurl.  

95% of young people have sex before marriage acc. to Dr. Douglas Kirby

Okay, the woman who teaches pole dancing is a straight queen, talking about how she wants her daughter to have safe sex if she’s going to with a guy or a girl, and I love this woman. Aforementioned fucker, on the other hand, says that he wouldn’t tell his daughter to use a condom bc it “wouldn’t protect her”. Again...incredibly disappointed but still not surprised. 

My ex-stripper QUEEN SAID “MY FATHER DOES NOT HAVE CONTROL OVER MY PUSSY” What a goddamn queen?! Gods and she says that this whole purity ball bullshit is about male power. Be my friend. Realise how powerful you are! I love her. 

Awww in the post-credit scenes, it says that the girl who I talked about having had an abortion feels much better about her decision now. Good for her!

Anyway, @ntis this is why not educating children and teens about sex is super no bueno. 

[ CHRISTIAN SERRATOS ] • [ SHE/HER ] | is that [ MARY MACDONALD ] , the [ NINETEEN ] year/s old [ GRYFFINDOR ] alumnus , walking down diagon alley ? I heard that the last time they had their fortune read, they drew the [ HIEROPHANT REVERSED ] , which seems [ UNLUCKY ] . hopefully they won’t come to any harm, considering their recent choice to ally themselves with [ THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX ] . they’ll probably be fine - I know they’re [ PERSISTENT ] , though apparently they can also be [ RUTHLESS ] . what’s the worst that could happen ? | 

LINKS: stats, pinboard, playlist PARALLELS: johanna mason ( the hunger games ), jessica jones ( jessica jones ), raven reyes ( the 100 ), ellie ( the last of us ), rosa diaz ( brooklyn 99 ), nancy wheeler ( stranger things ), kat edison ( the bold type ), sarah manning ( orphan black ) HELLO and welcome to the mess that is this intro!! on the bottom are some plot ideas & besides that its a big old mess! but we love disorganisation! hit this up with a like if u want me to hit u up for plots and i sure as hell will <333

history

mary had a little lamb? WRONG. mary had a little calf. because she was born on a dairy farm in the highlands of scotland ( laugh at my joke pls i worked hard on it ). she was born third to two muggles – a scottish father and a mexican mother, who loved each other deeply – and would eventually become their middle child. she could have become overlooked, but mary never felt discounted at home: while her parents were very often busy with the cows, their love ran deep.

her youth consisted of this: running through fields of grass, attending a muggle elementary where people sang songs at her ( old macdonald had a farm and mary had a little lamb ), playing with the animals, building tree houses with her brothers and sister and playing football every spare moment she got. it was good and simple and wholesome.

of course, strange things happened, as they tend to with muggleborns: she’d explode her brother’s toy when she got angry, or let things fly around the room when she was laughing. when she found out she was a witch at age eleven, things fell in its place. and the macdonalds, while traditional catholics, accepted mary, which is the most important thing of it all. her parents were shocked, yes, but they squeezed her shoulder and promised to discover this all together.

which?? very much influenced mary greatly? because it went against a lot of things they – and she, too – believed in? this has allowed her to have a faith in people, and while she may be cynical and bitter at times, that faith is still there.

hogwarts was as chaotic as home, and mary settled in quite nicely. sorted into gryffindor ( she guessed it was for her rambunctious nature, but who knew ), she found herself a second home and loved it. as it turned out, she was rather good with a wand as well – she didn’t do so good at essays, though – and genuinely liked learning ( except for history of magic. fuck that. ).

being a muggleborn had its downsides, of course, but mary never really allowed herself to feel discouraged. hurt? yes, definitely, but never discouraged. she wasn’t going to let it get to her, she told herself, but it did, especially when the harsh words turned into something more. it was during her confrontation with mulciber that mary felt true, harsh fear for the first time. she felt shut down, paralysed, depressed —– but then, after a while, she got up and took some important steps. she reported mulciber, which led to nothing, which caused her to feel angry, which in turn caused her to feel determination. if the system wasn’t going to be on her side, she’d just have to fucking change it, right? mary started throwing herself in her schoolwork, determined to join the dmle – hopefully as an auror, but any position would do. she suppressed her fear and the trauma that was there, and kept her chin up.

the entire mulciber situation is up for change, should we get a mulciber, or if it doesn’t correspondent with the plot/rp canon! 

graduation rolled around and mary got the five required NEWTs to even apply. it was a nervewracking process, but once she got into auror training, she cried. like. for a year. she was so proud of herself and she felt so determined and !! man. it was such a good, defining moment. around the same time, mary joined the order; she knew the ministry was corrupt, and that it’d not allow her to do everything she wanted to, when the order DID. mary had too much anger, too much determination to fight this bullshit to just stick with the ministry, and so the order seemed like the right place.

right now, she’s fighting. she’s gritting her teeth and keeping her goals in the back in her mind and is focusing. and she does not always feel brave or confident or self assured, but that does not matter: mary macdonald always gets the fuck back up, and that’s what she will keep doing until she’s completely knocked down.

personality & tidbits

mary is a human espresso. she’s so. damn. bitter?? despite the fact that she keeps on going and that she’s fighting her ass off, she’s tired and angry that things don’t seem to be moving in the right direction, she’s feeling bitter about the fact that this kind of discrimination is happening right in front of her eyes and that she does not have enough power to stop it. she feels powerless, which makes her feel bitter, which makes her cynical.

still! mary is not necessarily a debbie downer to be around. she keeps her bitterness ( and hopelessness, even ) carefully hidden in boxes in her mind. on the outside, she’s filled with quips and smiles and quick comments! just a sociable bean, but just a bitter one.

is a dog person and will fight anyone who prefers cats. has a cairn terrier called bowie. she loves him more than anyone.

obsessed with tea, tbh. her ma always said that ‘there’s nothing a cuppa can’t fix’ and mary definitely agrees with this statement.

though is also a ‘whiskey in a teacup’ kinda gal

can be spotted wearing either a rly nice ass blazer or a jean jacket, no inbetween. either office-fancy or farmer-chique

fucking loves muggle culture and loves fellow muggleborns and !!!!!! she loves it!!!

very much in a take-no-prisoners mindset at this point re: death eaters. it kind of scares her, tbh, but mary is very much capable of murdering a death eater, even if she could stun them — she’s just done. she’s very. done. with them. and this whole shbang? will only feed into this.

mary is ruthless, that’s what it boils down to. she’s a lot more than that, of course, but i chose that trait for her app because she is --- in small things ( football matches & boardgames ) but also in bigger ones, and of course the war is the main way it shows. mary is so angry. she’s so angry and scared and tired of feeling that way and tired of being scared to lose people and herself and of death and she’s so angry that people really are this way and that they really do these things --- she wants it to stop. she wants the world to be right. and sometimes she thinks the ends do justify the means. 

this is why she’s chaotic neutral and not chaotic good.

like ive had her turned to dark arts before just bc she’s so desperate to. fucking win.

and she’s also like --- mary doesnt care if she ruins herself? if she becomes a bad person who’s unable to live with the shit she’s done? as long as the world is better for it, as long as kids can go to hogwarts and feel safe and the world is a safe place for everyone. what does her soul matter in the grand scheme of things? she’d burn in hell forever if it meant the rest of the world changed for the better.

emotionally driven mess of a being

is catholic but struggles a lot with religion and feeling faithful, but she does still identify is a catholic, it’s just? complicated. it’s rly complicated and she hates it.

is a bit flighty when it comes to romance, def has a lot of one night stands/fwb situations though??? she’s just like??? i dont have time for romance its a WAR

has been trying to stop smoking for five years, but alas

mary also works part time at quality quidditch supplies because the girl loves quidditch ---- though not as much as she loves football.

a proud scot. probably lives in scotland, but i’m ... going to keep her living situaiton open and segue into Wanted Plots!

plot ideas

roomies ----- so mary is not Earning A Whole Lot Right Now but does not want to live at home any more because 1. its in the middle of nowhere and 2. most importantly, she’s afraid of endangering her family. she needs roomies! i’d love for her to live in glasgow/edinburgh/london/idk a city!!!

hook ups/fwb’s/etc ----- mary is what the old ppl call promiscuous and she sleeps around. so ! let’s talk! former hook ups! booty calls! friends with benefits! etc etc etc! 

party pals ---- mary likes going to pubs and clubs in the muggle part of town bc it is a LIT way to escape the reality of the wizarding world and also, muggle clubs have better music. come party w her!!!!

in the dragon’s den together ---- fellow ministry employees who side eye the ministry and whom mary can sip tea and judge their colleagues with

mudbloods club ---- mary loves her fellow muggleborns and i would love some muggleborn friends that she can be buds with. ranting about dumb pureblood names and traditions and the fact that wizards dont have movies

general friendship ideas ---- im just going to a bunch of ideas here: hogwarts friends, ride or dies, order pals, friendly exes, fellow tea drinkers that she can go on coffee/tea dates with, friends who are growing apart bc of the war (my fave), etc.

etc ---- some other ideas i want to spitball: purists who h8 on mary’s life, fellow diagon alley employees, fellow order members, Annoyances, there is solidarity in being scottish, ministry connections, etc etc etc HIT ME UP

28-8-2020

if this type of high was a color it would be pink, deep dark hot electric pink, the color of romanticization, the color of everything you wish should have been but never was and never could be

-here i watched a video about physics-

physics is the study of our “existence”/“reality”/physical universe within the Everything (and thats why the study of Everything that “outside of” this “existence”/“reality”/physical universe is called metaphysics)

by studying physics/the physical world closely enough, we begin to see “properties” of the Everything, like we can understand the “background” within which it/its “properties” are situated by learning about how and why the physical world acts the way it does

“Life” is just really really complex physical processes, technically there is no “difference”/inherent distinction between “living” and “nonliving” “things”, some “things” just are more of these processes happening at once and some other “things” have less. when a living thing “dies” most of its more complex processes stop occurring and so the complex web of interacting processes which classify one as being “alive” cannot function anymore. and then eventually it starts to literally decay until all of its processes, even the ones that continued after it “died” such as its maintenance of its physical structure, no longer happen as their materials have been taken up by/used in other exterior processes. So by this logic Harris was right, there is no “consciousness” and there is no “self”, when the processes of thought (neurons firing in networks) aren’t happening there is no inherent “being”, at least physically there is not a “self” and the concept cannot exist, what we think of as the “self” might be a sort of “ blueprint “ of what about one “human”’s (human=series of chemical processes that make up what we consider to be a “human”) processes different than any other human’s. if i think of something does it not “exist” just because I conceived of it? what does it mean to be real, can things that are not physically real be “real” in their own way, so I guess it depends on what we consider “real” to mean.

and this is particularly why it’s difficult and awkward to address the question of whether the ideas i write down in my journal entries are “real” as in they are true or if theyre “fake” because I’m high and am convinced that things that are not true are true. how could they not be “true” if I think them, me thinking them means they are being perceived, even if they are not being perceived in the way that physical phenomena are. what does it even mean to “perceive”? is “reality” contingent on what is “perceived” and what isn’t? Is two atoms bumping into each other the atoms “perceiving” each other in the same way that touch receptors “feel” touch, or taste buds “taste”, or vision receptors “see” by “perceiving” light? why don’t i know virtually anything about what protons and neutrons and electrons are made out of. i mean i know theyre made of quarks and their differences become from the ratios of like different types of quarks that are in them but i have actually no idea what that means. i need to know a lot more things to fully understanding these ideas, like I need to find out what light is and what energy is godsh i feel so foolish and uneducated how have i been content to go through life thus far not even feeling the need to know????

And/or should be a word in the dictionary, it’s its own word with its own meaning not just two words stuck together

also remember to think about how your emotional and idealistic associations with being high affect the ideas that you have while you’re high, although now that i’m thinking about it, it is probably quite good to write about these emotional associations as i have been doing because then i can understand and analyze them more fully

I went back and read the paragraph i wrote earlier in this entry about what physics is an what the difference is between it and metaphysics, and it made me think, how could there not be a “GOD”? If physics/our physical universe/“reality” exists, then doesn’t “not that” also have to “exist”, just because it exists as a concept?Like what i was just talking about with what it means to be “real”?

Oh I sound JUST like saint anselm ! Didn’t he already say the exact same thing???? He totally did.

But anyway god IS metaphysics, at least the God that judeo-christian religion is referring to. God is everything that is not physics/the physical universe. so I think that with dualistic religions, like Catharism (the one i actually know enough about to feel comfortable discussing esp because there aren’t really any people today who follow it whom I risk offending if I misinterpret something about it), the two “gods” are the physical world (the “bad”/material/“corrupt” cathar God) and metaphysics (the “good”/“pure”/“heavenly” cathar God). the “gods” of Greek mythology and i guess norse mythology and probably many polytheistic religions (but i definitely cannot say that this applies to most or all polytheistic religions because i dont know enough about most or all of them) are, in the view of their believers, part of the physical world, so comparing deities/“gods” like these to the metaphysical judeo-christian “God” is kind of useless in a way because they are too different. i am not highly informed about the terms “yin” and “yang” but from my knowledge of them (like a few online articles or whatever) what i am talking about very much falls into this concept. yin and yang are physics and metaphysics. {i realize in earlier entries ive very foolishly used the term “cosmos” when what i really meant was “metaphysics/metaphysical reality/metaphysical “existence” (and once again, i am trying my best to use the right words to describe what i mean but as l keep saying over and over again, the words existence, reality, being, etc. need to be a lot more rigidly defined before any actual productive discussion about these ideas can occur)}, but anyway, “metaphysics” and “physics” are yin and yang.

so yes sure i guess the greeks, for example” “worshipped physics”, although that’s not to say they didn’t have a lot of things “wrong” (according to our modern perspective) about how it worked, but according to their understanding of the physical world lightning bolts got made by a dude named Zeus, that was physics to them. Christians, Muslims, and Jews, as example, “worship metaphysics”, which is no less “rational” than worshipping “physics” because like how stupid to you have to be not to “believe” in metaphysics right? they are both “things” that “exist” because they “exist” as “concepts”. they are just different, and either “religious” approach may be varying degrees of “right” or “wrong” in their ideas of things and how they work (although again, what does that even mean, what does it mean to be “true” or “not true”, but anyway), but like one example is the question of whether the way in which ppl use these religions to interact with physics or metaphysics (like setting up altars, making sacrifices, consulting oracles) is “effective”, like does it “do what they think it does” ie have an effect on either physics or metaphysics and how the two “interact”, or help you learn something about it etc?

So i guess by this logic a dualist outlook on “religion” resemblingthe Cathars (and i THINK the zoroastrians too from what i understand about their beliefs), ie metaphysics and physics and the interaction between the two, is the most all-encompassing perspective on what “Existence” “Is”. Thats not to say anything about the ritual aspect of any faith, i really don’t know which one is most “accurate” or if any of them are at all. So guess i am a Dualist now??. But then again, it would definitely be also helpful to explore the outlooks provided by other religions to see what they have to say, and whether they incorporate elements into their understandings that are useful to think about. like i feel like i know some facts about hinduism as in i could tell you some things that hindus believe, but i don’t have a “deep” enough understanding of the religion to tell you what aspects of their belief deal with physics and/or metaphysics. like what i would guess about it from my understanding is that it kind of deals with both? like Brahman is almost certainly metaphysics {and actually in many ways has a more “accurate” and wide-encompassing understanding of what “metaphysics” “is” than most other religions i have heard of}, and nirvana is attaining the union of the two? {like obviously not the union of the whole entire physics and whole entire metaphysics but like, within one’s self? [again, im not sure if the “self” does “exist” in the physical world and am inclined at the moment to think that it doesn’t, even though the things that “make it up” (ie your neurons and the “thoughts”/firing patterns they create) are part of the physical world. although AGAIN that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t “exist”, because one can conceive of it, or because it is part of metaphysical “existence”, or both? Or neither??] Or is nirvana like, you become aware of where “you” are within the whole conglomeration of the two, and are able to understand more about everything because of this? In a way i think it might be both, i should think about that more in the future.} Isn’t Brahman said to like, “be present” in the physical world, like in each individual thing ?does this mean that hinduism deals primarily with the interaction between physics and metaphysics? Rather than focusing on the two as “equal” but “opposite” concepts like the Cathars or zoroastrians. Again I’m really not comfortable making a whole bunch of analysis on hinduism, even after learning a bunch about it i still have a hard time understanding what their gods/deities are supposed to be/represent in relation to all this.

Ok yeah i had a helpful thought: I think the reason I am struggling with the definition of “existence” is because im not sure whether im using that word to refer to physical existence, or the combination of both “physical” and “metaphysical” existence. Same with “reality”.

i NEED to establish a glossary of terminology in order to be able to analyze anything further in a meaningful way! i think i am at the point where i can actually start to do this or at least try!

am realizing now that one of the chief questions i’ve been grappling with in these entries is “what is metaphysics”, as have scientists, shamans, theologians, priests, psychonauts etc for centuries and millenia before me. idk being able to concretely state what i am asking might be helpful in charting a course of thought

So how does the idea of physics vs metaphysics relate to the “space-time continuum” that i was talking about in earlier entries? So we have our physical universe that you and i “exist” in, and the “multiverse” which is every other possible universe along an infinite infinity of infinite axes, but is metaphysics the “multiverse”, or is metaphysics somehow what is “outside the multiverse”? how could you even understand what it meant to be “outside the multiverse”? fuck this is really difficult to think about. hmmmm i don’t think there can be an “outside” the multiverse because the multiverse is already everything that is “outside” the universe. right, because the multiverse is infinite in an infinite number of directions and not “bound” so it is not something outside of which anything can be conceived.

yeah okay and this makes sense with the saint anselm thing, because if you can think of “something”, your conception of what that “something” is is bound by your definition of what you conceive that “something” to “be”. and if you define metaphysics as “the Stuff that is Not Physics/Not Our Physical Universe”, that mean metaphysics exists because it is the like, antithesis of physics, so it doesn’t exist in the same way that the physical universe does but that doesn’t mean it isn’t “real”. Like how in a mirror there can’t be a reflection of something that isn’t physically there to be reflected, but that doesn’t mean the reflection “isn’t real” too.

I’ve been typing for over two hours, i think i should take a rest lol.

Do you think its possible that certain elements of fashion, popular culture, etc come back into style every 20ish years (?) because the people who are the most influential in determining trends at any given time internalized the trends of 20ish years ago as what it meant to be “cool” when they were at the age of learning what “cool” was and so they bring those trends back either consciously or subconsciously?

Tonight was exhausting

Last time I was with this family. I was throughly upset that I called you a friend. Because that wasnt. Isnt what you are. You were a friend waaaay in the beginning. Like maybe a month. Just a friend. Then it progressively became. Wait no not just a friend. And I masked it to being no no maybe like a sister but hold on. Sisters doing look at each other like this. They dont talk in this way. They dont hold hands like this. No lingering touches. No eyes at each other.

Tonight. It was trying to avoid the question of work. And what type of work I want to do. And computers. And networking. And stuff like that. Ugh. Cant they just leave me alone. He wants me to put together my resume and send it to him. But he is all the way down in ft Lauderdale. Too far and wrong direction. Then. It continued with asking if I still worked at work. And I said no. They followed up with because of school? I gave a unconvincing yesss? And I said well really it was for personal reasons. And they all looked at me for an explanation.

I was not about to go on a tangent on how I failed to stop myself from being put in a one way fight with the love of my life’s mother whom disapproves of our relationship because we are both females. Know how messed up i was already. That all she did was stand there and I faultered. How I became so enraged that I cant even remember parts of that night that followed. How management failed me and had to do what was best for the company. How I cant “just let you go”. How I miss you more and more every day. How I am still wishing for you to come home. How I want you....How I want us to be stronger. How I screwed not just my life but your life up so horribly that I almost lost you to yourself. And how I, on multiple occasions, almost lost myself to me. Both permanently and indefinitely. No no I didnt want to have to explain to everyone how I met you. How I found myself falling in love with you. And then being so in love with you. How it feels right to want to be with you. How it just seemed to change everything I ever thought of. Nooo I wasnt going to because I knew what republican Christians would say. No. Thats a rabbit hole I am not currently prepared for. It would be other circumstances if we were more progressed than we were. And definitely so if you were there with me. Definitely definitely.

But also trying not to bring politics or religion into conversations. Because let. Me. Tell. You. I dont talk to republicans about either. And I was sat at a table with 6? Or like 7. Of them. Like bring back up my career or quiz me on computers instead. Because I would rather do that.

I am subpar. There is nothing special about me. Just a simple girl. Trying to find her way.

Im nothing extraordinary. Just me. Thats all. I do make terrible choices weekly if not daily.

I am flawed and bandaged up and held together with old dried out glue. Easily to break apart with the slightest memory.

But I am only me. Thats all I can be.

Cracks opening in relationship between Latrell Mitchell and Roosters

And Tedesco said during the week in an interview with Channel Nine news that he wants to play out the rest of his career at the Bondi club. That may explain why Mitchell is showing interest in a permanent move to five-eighth when Luke Keary moves in to play half after Cooper Cronk calls it quits. Loading Beyond positional considerations, there are family pressures weighing on Mitchell: a constant theme is that family members have a genuine fondness for South Sydney. There is also a feeling from the Mitchell family that not enough was done by the Roosters for Latrells brother Shaq, a young forward with loads of potential. His issues were weight and injury. The Roosters will say and provide evidence that they did everything possible to help Shaq make it in the big time. The last we heard, he injured himself in a local NFL tryout when he was thinking of giving American football a crack. The Roosters have monitored his life and they provided help with a job he was trying to get. Latrell is also in the middle of a split from his long-time agent, Steve Deacon, the former Easts centre. This issue was discussed by Roosters officials during the week. The Roosters fear Mitchell will link up with agent Matt Rose a close friend of Mitchell, who also does fight promotion. Mitchell was at the weigh-in when Paul Gallen fought John Hopoate. He just hung out in a corner of the room and politely declined interview requests. The theory is that if Rose takes charge of his career, Mitchell will end up at Souths. The Rabbitohs are privately hoping that is what happens.

Coup signing: Souths are still hoping to lure Mitchell to Redfern.Credit:AAP But thats not to say Rose has a great relationship with Souths officials, although his biggest star, Cody Walker, is at the club. Wayde Rushton, who manages Kalyn Ponga, is another being mentioned as a potential agent. The Mitchell case certainly is a fascinating one. Its a tribute to his ability that he is still managing to star on the field. A different approach to religious freedom Before Israel Folau decided to put religion above all else, Will Hopoate made a great sacrifice, quitting rugby league to undertake a Mormon mission. He then sacrificed hundreds of thousands of dollars by refusing to play on Sundays. A portion of his career was played under the leadership of Raelene Castle who was the Bulldogs boss at the time but is now the head of Rugby Australia. Castle was the Bulldogs boss from July 2013 to August 2017. Hopoate clearly felt comfortable expressing his religious views under her leadership. Castle had numerous discussions with Folau about his use of social media and his religious views, but it obviously didnt get through to him. Otherwise he would not be fighting for his $4 million deal. Hopoate is not a controversial character and does not want to get involved in the Folau issue, but he was prepared to discuss his experiences with Castle and the Bulldogs. One thing that Ive been proud of here at Canterbury is that they have allowed me to live my faith, he said. There is no pressure ... Ive been allowed to live my life without any instruction.

Respectful: Will Hopoate doesn't force his Christian views on others.Credit:AAP The Izzy thing is a hot topic and a difficult one to say too much about. Id rather not put myself out there and say something dumb. I know Izzy, but we are not close. Hopoates Instagram is full of his faith. On February 3 he wrote: Im Christian ... this doesnt make me better than anyone, but it helps me be better. On March 3 he wrote: If church was for perfect people, the chapel would be empty. Its a regular theme on his page. He is strong in faith, but he doesnt force his views on others. After having the clubs blessing for some time not to play on Sundays, there was a rethink. In a perfect world, I would like to have Sundays off, he said. But Canterbury is my employer and I have a commitment to them and I have to do what they ask of me. To play footy, I think I will continue that mode. If I was granted a wish then I wouldnt [play Sundays], but Im not kicking stones. "What has happened has happened and I am moving on from there. I want to keep playing football for as long as I can. When I finish I want to be involved in youth work. I have been going around to high schools sharing my journey to the NRL. I know how much my youth leaders shaped my life and what an influence they had on me and Id like to have that effect on people. I like to talk about resilience and positivity and how to apply that to your life. White or wrong? Loading In the long run, Anthony Seibold will probably taste success with his roster and resources he has to but its looking tougher and tougher for the clubs chief executive, Paul White, to survive. Wayne Bennetts continued success at the Rabbitohs should mean White is under huge pressure. White was the one who speared a legend of the game when he pushed Bennett out the door last year. It gets even more interesting because not only does Seibold have a five-year deal, but he has an option for a sixth season in his favour. Its hard to believe. Seibold has not been big on seeing out his contracts. He left Manly early and then swung into the top job at South Sydney after Michael Maguire was shown the door. Madge Maguire has not talked to him since the day he was replaced. Seibold has the best set-up in the NRL and he needs to deliver ina hurry. Teddy for Wehbe The fallout continues from the split between Isaac Moses and the football whisperer Joe Wehbe. We told you last week that James Tedesco is now firmly in Wehbes camp and wants nothing to do with Moses. He is now going public with his support for Wehbe. Asked if he was in Wehbes corner he said: Yeah, definitely. He has been a big part in my career and I owe a lot to him. Other players who now have strained relationships with Moses include Israel Folau, Parramattas Tim Mannah and Nathan Brown, and rising star Joseph Suaalii a young rugby player who has signed with South Sydney until 2021. Loading Folau has largely gone alone in his preparation for his battle with Rugby Australia. Moses has been busy trying to shore up other clients as he knows his empire is under threat. It is understood Moses has been ringing family members of the clients who are looking to jump ship. The whole situation is messy and its threatening to get messier. Moses has friends in the highest of places: one of his best mates is NRL boss Todd Greenberg. Their families are firm friends. Ponga's plan If the Knights want to start talking to Kalyn Ponga about an extension to his contract, they may have to cool their heels for a couple of months at least. The view is that he wants to talk after Origin. Ponga is in the second year of a four-year contract. There have been no approaches from rugby union, nor in an early discussion did the Knights indicate they want to do a long-term deal. Api on the move Manly may be prepared to let Api Koroisau go. He has given the club great service but it would appear the Eagles have found a No.9 in Manase Fainu. Its one to keep an eye on. Danny Weidler is a sport columnist for The Sydney Morning Herald. Most Viewed in Sport Loading https://www.smh.com.au/sport/nrl/cracks-opening-in-relationship-between-latrell-mitchell-and-roosters-20190504-p51k4s.html?ref=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_source=rss_feed

Joy To The World, 1, 4 and 5!

Hoo boy, so many questions!!! I hope you’re prepared for the deluge that’s gonna result...~ I’ll answer these tonight and finish the ones in the other messages tomorrow morning!

1. What inspired you to write the fic this way?

So. Over the last five or so years I’ve been writing fic, in all but the second year, I’ve written a special Christmas-related fic for Christmas. (And I did two the first year, so.) Christmas is a really important holiday to me and I really love Christmas-related stuff (the cheesier and sillier the better), so it became kind of a tradition. But this year, I was at a little bit of a loss. I knew I wanted to write Lams, because that’s my big thing right now. But how would I write Christmas Lams? Did they even properly ‘celebrate’ Christmas during that time period?? Or should I just go for an AU?

I researched it, and thankfully it turns out that the 18th century is around when people did start to celebrate Christmas in the modern sense (and it’s also when carols really started to come about, which is great because per tradition all my Christmas fic are titled after a carol), but that was just the beginning of the issue. When exactly would it be set? Valley Forge? But, uh... I highly doubted they would be really doing all that much at that point. But I couldn’t really think of any time outside of Lams AU that they’d be together. (And then I found out afterwards that Ham wasn’t even there for Christmas 1777, so, welp.) And I really couldn’t think of any kind of actual plot. I could have done a kind of meditation on their relationships to religion, but I didn’t know that much about which specific form of Christianity they belonged to, and I thought it was something that could be and HAD been done much better by other people. (Plus that’s not really my fave kind of fic to write to begin with.)

So, it wasn’t really working out that well. But still, I really kept trying. Through November, my working plan became almost set in stone: I’d do a combined historical and modern AU fic, switching back and forth between scenes, comparing themes (supply lists in VF compared with finding money for food over Christmas break in modern AU), sorta casually looking at the differences. When I gave it up, it was partly out of lack of interest in the themes, but my conscious reason was ‘I just don’t really care about modern AU Lams.’

...which came to the crux of the problem all along: I’m not really an AU person. Or rather, I’m very not an AU person. I’ve written very few AUs in my time, and almost all of them were historical AUs - certainly not modern day ones, and definitely not school AUs. I don’t have any, like, moral opposition - I can fully appreciate the transformative potential of full-setting AUs and find very interesting the interdependent communities that develop around AU-heavy fandoms as they essentially create their own accepted canons - but I just...don’t tend to like them. I’m very analytical!! The idea of just...MAKING UP not just one character or setting but basically a whole story just always seemed simultaneously too easy and too hard to me!!! Plus, I like to write really interesting and unusual things and try new styles, and one of the most basic points of interests for me in writing is asking what makes these characters and relationships unique, based on their precise personalities and backstories and combinations of traits. None of that lends well to full-setting AUs.

But. As I was mulling this terrible problem over, as usual, I was also running over in my head all kinds of various different characterisation ideas. This time, I was thinking about how it was interesting that Hamilton always seemed to be written in opposition to Henry Laurens, when IRL it seems they had a pretty decent acquaintanceship. And I was thinking about it, and I really started to think that, actually, someone in Hamilton’s point of view - who was constantly abandoned by his father, and desperate for his attention, and incredibly ambitious despite the circumstances of his birth - would be one of the WORST people to understand that an overly-controlling, overly-interested father who expects extremely highly of his son could be a negative influence. Which also added to another thought I’d been having. I always liked one quote from Chernow, that Laurens must have seen in Hamilton what a man who makes himself can do, and it always made me think that Hamilton must have been the same way - that he must have seen in Laurens the man he had always aimed to be. So, Laurens grew up in a good family, acknowledged and promoted by said family, with plenty of money and a great deal of opportunity. To Hamilton... yeah, it’d definitely be hard for him to see the problems with that. (And, you know, there IS a lot of privilege there!! It’s just, y’know, that mental illness doesn’t always listen to that.) But, those thoughts were kinda moot, because I really couldn’t think of any way to contrast these different experiences with fathers in historical verse.

And that’s when it came to me. What if I did a modern AU where Hamilton came down to visit the Laurens family for Christmas?

I didn’t have the time (or, really, the interest) to develop a full-on world for everyone, and a uni AU just seemed to be the most appropriate for this one, anyway. And it also did have a bit of appeal: it always kinda bugged me that in the AUs I read, Hamilton and Laurens never seemed to be studying law, even though that’s historically what they did do. As a law grad, I figured I might as well be the one to write it. (Though law in Australia is p different from in the US - there’s no separate law school, we just study it straight out of high school like anything else - but whatever.) And once I was doing THAT, it was hard for me to escape the fact that, in the real world, studying law hadn’t...exactly always been the best experience for me. Given that Laurens didn’t really want to study it either, it seemed appropriate to lean on those experiences a bit.

Aaand that’s where we really get to the meat of the inspiration behind it, heh. Which is to say: this is possibly the most autobiographical thing I’ve ever written...? I’ll say outright that a lot of it WAS entirely invented - my relationship with my family is nothing like John’s was in this, at all. But my anxieties over studying, and my worries about the future and what a career in law would lead to... yeah, that came from me haha. Because, to get kind of personal about it... well, I graduated July 2015. And in the time since then, I have been employed for about 2.5? months, total. The job scene here, in general and especially for law grads, is just that bad. (And, uh, there was a fair bit of personal fault in my lack of preparation for after I’d graduate? But, seriously, I was really anxious already...) And ever since then - particularly 2016 to the present - I’ve also had a lot of anxiety and depression and stuff going on. At the time I wrote the fic, it was in a position of leaning worse rather than better. So...I honestly don’t know if there was ever, like, a dispassionate fic in there safely cordoned off from my own projections, but if there was, it didn’t last long.

So, I got the idea, and wrote it all up pretty quickly in early December, just kinda ridin’ that catharsis of getting all that stuff out. (And it turned out to be even more relevant than I thought, as ‘trying to enjoy Christmas like you usually do when you’re really not happy’ also ended up a very autobiographical theme.) And that’s how it happened!

As for one or two other things:

I really really didn’t wanna get too into politics in the fic lmao. I don’t feel comfortable with more than the broadest strokes of Hamilton’s beliefs (I’m gonna GET THERE but Im still well rev-verse in Chernow) and I always feel uncomfortable about portraying historical figure in any better light than they deserve when it comes to specific matters. But I also wanted to have Laurens and Hamilton at least as POC because I also think it’s important to increase racial diversity in fanfic in the rare cases that we really get a clear choice. So, I tried to kinda portray that without really getting detailed about any activist stuff or whatever. Which is why in Ham’s argument with Henry he’s really not siding with anyone, he’s just an economics wonk who gets mad when people on both sides of the political aisle don’t make sure their numbers add up, lol. That was my best compromise. (And Philly kinda nudged me when I still got too far off-course;; haha!)

Hamilton has ADHD because: again, I wanted to actually officially write up neurodivergent characters into fic when I had the option of being specific (my Ham is always neurodivergent but obv I can’t explicitly write that into the text of historical verse), and it’s ADHD because......well, I could write a really long thing about that alone lmfao. And I feel like I kind of should in some ways because I know that a lot of people aren’t rly familiar with how ADHD tends to actually, like, feel, for real-life people, and if you aren’t then I KNOW this must sound like a really arbitrary or misguided HC. And I’d really love to write it up and expand education and all, but. It’s also something that hits really close and personal for me and, as someone who can be anxious for days straight over opening entirely innocuous tumblr messages... I just DK I could do it, atm;;;;; Someday I will though, I hope!!! (Tho I will say that I’m totally for all neurodivergent Ham HCs and that honestly my Classic Ham is also influenced by BD and BPD things so I’m p flexible about it.) (Actually I guess I CAN say that my HCs for Ham all involve disorders with extreme moods and mood swings and stuff and ADHD in its lesser known symptoms can absolutely include that, esp with Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria, so yeah. That’s basically the large part of my reason for that headcanon right there lol.)

4. What's your favorite line of dialogue? 

HM OH MAN, I’m not sure!!! Lemme skim it again real quick.

In terms of sheer characterisation efficiency, I always liked the idea of Henry Laurens’ introductory sentence being to complain about John not calling often enough. It’s just such a perfect combination of a) genuinely cares about his son and wants to hear from him, and b) is an asshole who has no idea whatsoever of the pressure he’s putting on his son without offering any concurrent praise or reassurance. 

...so yeah I think I’ll leave it at that actually, since this thing is long enough already lol.

5. What part was hardest to write?

I was sitting here trying hard to remember if I really had trouble writing any part of the draft because there was one bit where I stalled briefly but it wasn’t really that bad and I couldn’t even really remember it and apart from that it was super smooth...until I remembered that editing counts as writing. And hoo fucking boy.

I was lucky enough to be able to have my fic beta-ed by Philly! Which I’m super grateful for and the fic is undoubtedly better for it! But it was a really difficult process for me because of my anxiety. And I needed to do it rather quickly, because of course I had to have it finished before Christmas, and my family actually was going away for Christmas where we wouldn’t have internet access.

So I get through almost all of the fic. It’s finally almost done. And then right at the end there’s a bit where Alex and John quickly exchange gifts on Christmas morning. Super short scene. And Philly pointed out that, actually, wouldn’t the rest of the family be taken-aback at them exchanging gifts without them?

And I kind of read that and sat back and. that was right. That was 100% correct. So like. What do I do??? Do I involve the other characters? But the original scene was like, three lines. and I don’t wanna have to write a whole new scene lmao. Do I take it out? But in a earlier scene, I’d had John express a worry that the present he’d gotten for Alex was awful and he really regretted it, and I kinda liked that in this final scene we see that actually he’d just forgotten WHY he’d bought it (he’d remembered Alex saying something about it), and I thought that was a nice thing about how anxiety can really fuck with even your memory and stuff bc in the end there genuinely was no reason to worry. It wasn’t necessary to the fic, but it only came about in the writing - I’m pretty sure the outline was just like ‘and then they exchange gifts or somethign??? IDK’ - and I didn’t want to get rid of it again. But then how do I justify them exchanging gifts alone??? 

And so that’s how I ended up just sitting there mournfully or pacing back and forth like p LEASE just SAVE ME, just GIVE ME AN OPTION, I have a HOLIDAY TO PACK FOR and THINGS TO DO and I just want this damn fic to be EDITED and DONE ALREADY. I came up with soo many possibilities, none of which satisfied me,lmao. and eventually after wayyyyyy too long of trying to figure it out I settled on something that seemed mostly plausible and then just. wrote it in and skimmed the rest of the fic and posted it lmao.

Which, honestly, is pretty typical proceedings. I tend to have the general ideas come pretty easily to me, and the actual writing is normally pretty smooth - it’s usually the editing where I start rocking back and forth and cursing myself for ever trying to write :’) (Luckily, at that point I’m close enough to the end that I can usually force it through...!!)

Ok but now I'm thinking about it, I do want to tackle the question "what is objectively the most powerful form of magic". (Remember my number 1 answer is "whatever you believe in and commit to". This is an answer from a different angle, a "but what if we could compare?" angle. I'm not convinced at all that comparisons are actually useful or accurate. But let's imagine an answer, as if there was one - what would that answer be?) We grow up being taught of a God who is, in some way, linked to white light as a symbolic quality of his purity and omnipotence. He is the backdrop of paganism. He can't really be ignored. I don't think he necessarily exists, and yet His believers evidently believe strongly enough to bring him into existence. He has millions of believers, and although the monotheisms are very different, they essentially evoke the same being. What I've found in my work is that the ceremonial style things, things which also end up evoking that infinite being, feel like sticking my finger in the mains. So much power. Because lots of Pagans believe in Him too! Not just Christian Witches but - lots of people who would describe themselves as New Age, lots of people who are not pagan but nevertheless believe in Crystal Healing of light healing, and certainly everyone on a ceremonial and ritual tradition path. (It's something I struggle with as someone who loves those high traditions, but am uncomfortable with monotheistic views of the world. I understand the Lesser Pentagram Banishing works, and works well, but it doesn't sit well with me what I am banishing and how. As a Pagan, it's that spiritual grot and unhallowed things which are my divine. Really, high magic was birthed from Christians who wanted to do magic which was coherent with their wider faith. There's no way around it. Paganism doesn't have a comparable concept to the ineffable indivisible light of Kether) Everyone tends to shield or banish with an image of white light. And certainly Satanists and Luciferians and workers with demons and angels, they also evoke Him if only by His absence. We have grown up watching Christian imagery used in banishments and I feel like a fair few of us would fall back on them in an emergency. Paganism doesn't tend to have easy images of good and evil, which means when we need a power representing goodness, light, safety, and incredible power, He's usually the only one around. For reconstructionist sorts, there's also the unavoidable history that we lost and continue to lose. For polytheists, we need to find coherent answers why our gods have not smited this one and his followers. There are answers. I think witchcraft is always to be associated with the shadows, to be the light's strange face. My understanding of the Landweird is, in part, based on the existence of Christianity - it's the uncanny and sublime which always will exist in the landscape, which no one can explain away, but it needs Howie too to come from the mainland expecting his God to work the same way everywhere, it needs his horror at finding the strange places of England where the wild never died. There will always be an undergroundness to what we do - our Mysteries, which must stay hidden, our trickster gods who win by subterfuge, our inability to ever fully understand the Landweird or to hold it in mind. I think a lot of our gods are canonically less powerful than Captain Omnipotent: they have limited portfolios or perspectives. They're also canonically capricious - although we can't argue that He isn't - but I think when God drops a church on his followers, they tend to think it's part of the plan. When my gods hurt me, I tend to think it's either my fault or they're being petty or im wholly incidental to their goals. I think in a straight up witch fight, we have good previous: true the God of the Christians vanquishes evil, but the forces of darkness tempt and subvert the unwary. We are not without power in that scenario. I think my understanding of the divine is objectively correct, shifting principalities of local spirits and minor gods with some power but no omnipotence and not much interest in man. Despite that, my understanding of chaos magic is - even if He doesn't exist, and I really think he doesn't, His believer's collective belief in His almighty power is a force to be reckoned with. I think certainly, objectively the most powerful magic force must be divine magic - magic enlisting the aid of a deity - but I am less certain of our ability to call on some of the huge, great Weird and be heard and indulged. Some of our figures like Horus and Nuit and Ishtar and Odin, I have no doubt at all of their power. And the stranger more ancient things like Cronos and Uranus, if we could somehow communicate with them. Wordless, ancient things, gods of the firelight and hunt. And yet I feel more wary of invoking them in a fight, the way a Christian would have no hesitation whatsoever to blast me with holy light and fire. I have a perception that we ARE weak, and perhaps that perception goes some way to disabling us further. Still, we are a hidden religion; when we show our faces, we burn. I don't believe that to be literally true in England, at least, but on a spiritual level i guess I actually don't want my gods to go up against St Michael. The power of the Land is slow, and it has a Land's priorities - whatever they are. St Michael is an indiscriminate flamethrower, vanquishing any nonconformity, anything it does not understand. I feel our power is in watching and waiting, like roots of trees which slowly take up the tarmac, like the ants and insects which will outlive us all. So that's my considered answer. I don't believe He exists, but if you asked me to gird myself for battle with another religious tradition that's the one which would worry me most. I think anyone who has seen the believers circling at Mecca, or been present at an evangelical mega-church "prayerquake anointing", should recognise how powerful that sort of thing IS. Certainly when the Trump hex was a thing and they started reporting that there were prayer grids to protect him, as well as being the funniest news story in weeks, it definitely made me think - well, bollocks. I don't want to spiritually wade proudly forward into a firewall of Christian might. That ends badly! I don't believe in the literal truth of any monotheistic tradition, but I think godforms representing concepts like Light and Goodness and Retribution likely exist, and that the combined belief of believers in the monotheisms make these forces hell to contend with. I believe in our power, and that much of that comes from cleverness and patience - not from spiritual riot cannons. I believe it comes from our celebration of the land and seasons, or devotions to our gods, or service to our spirits, and so forth - and this is a slow process, and I believe we endure, thst there's something in the Landscape thst no one can overcome. It's not something you can win instantly by accepting the forgiveness of Jesus, and it's also not access to a limitless supply of white light you can blast people with. So yeah. That's my answer. I don't believe the white light is real, or rather, I don't believe the religions that believe in it are wholly correct. But you're a fool to go up against it directly without a very clever plan. And if your goal is to be The Most Powerful, it's a solid choice (cf also the Pope, the various Catholic leaders who ought to be jailed but won't be, culty Christian sect leaders, generations of presidents, He tends to get His followers into positions of real yet unaccountable world political power, it's a good route to power on the material plane never mind the spiritual.) (I'm open to discussion, but take this in the spirit in which it was written: I'm musing on ideas based on my perception and exploring thoughts and playing, rather than definitively laying down a spiritual hierarchy or making declarative statements about how powerful this or that is. I'm not willing to discuss this with anyone who is pissed or eager to get into circlejerks of rage, but I am interested in other angles if you have them. Imagining there was an answer to this question, I think it's naive to assume that not just your Pagan tradition but anyone's can meaningfully take on the old man in the sky)