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slow-burn-sally · 8 months

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I think one of the most frustrating things about being neurodivergent, for me anyway, is the inconsistency. My whole life, I've vacillated back and forth between seeing myself as an intelligent, popular, well loved person, and then I'll lose my drivers' license, say something hurtful, forget to pay a bill, or send an email at work to seven other people that completely exposes me as the world's largest moron, and I think "I can't be intelligent. In fact, I must be very stupid." I mean, what else am I supposed to think? All my life, people who do things like this are considered less intelligent, so that's the only template I have.

The thing is, half of me is very clever, hilariously funny, charming, and organized. Have of me is also clumsy, forgetful, socially inept, moody, and the worst, most horrible troll that ever lurked, pustule-covered, under a darkened bridge.

These two people are always inside me, waiting to assert themselves. Just at the moment when I truly believe that I've hacked this AuDHD thing, when I'm really riding high on that wave of success. When I remember everything I'm supposed to, and remember to get gas, and pay the internet bill on time, the Other One pokes it's head up, and then I'm a fucking mess.

Yesterday, I got home from a great day at work, where I'd contributed, and worked well with my team, and correctly answered oh so many questions. Then opened my mail, found out I was being sued for a car accident I'd been involved in due to distracted driving from 2 years ago. I look at the paperwork for roughly 5 minutes, the adrenaline allowing me to actually read it (not possible if I wasn't losing my shit with fear), but it doesn't make any sense, because it's purposefully obtuse legal language. I walk into the kitchen, freaking out silently, intending to test my roommate's chili, (because, when you find out you're being sued, the next thing you should do is eat) and drop the spoon on the floor, causing the tomato sauce to splat across the tiles. I proceed have a total meltdown where I begin sobbing, and yelling at my roommate not to come near me, not to even look at me, while I hyperventilate and spray the floor with disinfectant. I go from Self Contained Adult to Panicky Child in .2 seconds.

I am such a badass, and so in control of everything, and then I'm an irrational mess who sometimes hits herself out of frustration, and who can't add numbers higher than 12 + 12. I have tons of friends, lots of mutuals. I enjoy hobbies. I love my job. I love my roommate. I am absolutely privileged and blessed to live the life I live, but fuck, man, I wish I could just have it stay on the easier path for longer. Why is it always so inconsistent?

#neurodivergent #actually audhd #autism #adhd #it's been a week

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jesses-life-updates · 7 months

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people tend to think trans people are special snowflakes who get pampered by society so here's being trans from the perspective of a transgender 14-year-old who has no adult support in his life. please boost this message to transphobes, it might not change their minds but it could at least make them consider the real children they're hurting.

• when I came out at 13 I was yelled at by my parents until I cried

• according to transphobes it's somehow my fault that I was born with a female body

• people at school ask me what my pronouns are as an insult and call me slurs and nobody does anything about it, not even teachers care

• I came out to these people I thought I could trust and their response was to push me out of their circle of friends and harass me, constantly calling me a lesbian even though I'm not even a girl

• life seems to have lost its colour and I can't remember the last time I felt actual strong emotions

• actual grown ass adults complain about trans people on the internet just for clout and argue with each other about whether or not we deserve rights, as if that isn't the most dehumanising shit

• I've been told that my feelings don't matter by a teacher at my school because "people in countries at war have it worse"

• the prime minister of my country was on national television spreading hate speech about my people and everyone is acting like he's a saint for it, completely ignoring the other bad things he's done for this country because "he hates trans people and that's good"

• I have to stand idly by while trans people my age are committing suicide and I am so scared I will end up adding to that statistic

• there's bad apples in every group of people and just because I'm trans I have to be grouped in with every bigoted/hateful trans person when I'm just trying to keep myself alive and I'm not bothering anyone

• I am too scared to bring up my queer identity around anyone because I don't want them to think I'm shoving it in their face, it might as well be a secret even though I've been out for over a year

• i sometimes forget that I'm not physically a boy but then it hits me again when I see how much taller/deep voiced my male peers are

• I had to resocialise myself as male and change so many things about my behaviour that it's constantly at the forefront of my mind

• my chest constantly feels tight, I can't breathe deeply, my breathing is shaky and I get random rib pains every few hours

• I'm told that my gender is a "protected characteristic" but adults are doing a piss poor job at protecting me, I feel like I'm in danger because of being queer

• people at school harassed me so much for being trans that I practically forced myself back into the closet by telling them I don't care what they refer to me as (I most definitely do care)

• my identity is so normal to me but it's not normal for anyone else, I'll be talking about a girl crush I have thinking what I'm saying is normal but someone chimes in with "oh are you a lesbian?" and it brings me back to the harsh reality that being queer isn't normal

• I used to feel so much pride as a queer kid but now I just hate everything about being queer and I wish so badly that I could be just like everyone else

• more and more laws are being put in place against my people and one day I might not even be able to get gender affirming treatment

• the chemical imbalance in my brain is considered a political stance rather than just a rare condition a group of people have that shouldn't be a big deal

• I, a 14 year old boy, am more mature about gender than ACTUAL GROWN ADULTS who go on PUBLIC TELEVISION TO COMPLAIN ABOUT ME WHEN I AM JUST TRYING TO EXIST IN PEACE

• I keep being hit with the realisation that I still need to wait four years just for the chance of merely beginning to transition, which will cost me thousands of pounds and probably take more than ten years to fully transition, whereas my peers are just handed it at birth

• trans people are seen by society as "annoying" and "shoving it down people's throats" and "looking for an excuse to be special" for some fucking reason

• I have to juggle all this shit with trying hard in school and balancing life, all while my brain is not even fully developed yet. my cognitive and emotional processing skills aren't even close to being developed but i have to deal with suicidal thoughts, media pushing the idea that I'm mentally ill, internalised transphobia, constant harassment, transphobia from almost every single person in my life, feeling like a fucking freak for a chemical imbalance in my brain, and yet I STILL have to deal with normal teenage things like feeling ugly or struggling in school, and further yet I CANT TALK TO A SINGLE ADULT ABOUT MY SITUATION BECAUSE NOBODY BELIEVES ME OR SUPPORTS ME

• the cherry on top: there is absolutely nothing I can do about my situation until I turn 18, my only option is to suck it up and deal with it until either get actual help or end up killing myself

if you're an adult who thinks trans people are groomers/snowflakes/annoying/criminal, think about how your actions are impacting youth who are just trying to stay alive. you are not protecting children by making us wait longer for treatment or shielding us from supportive outlets. grow the fuck up. you're an adult, act like it. find something else to do with your life than attack an astronomically small minority of people.

#transgender #transgender youth #lgbtq #lgbtqia #serious post

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blubushie · 1 month

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Any particular method you use to pick your fake names? Or is it just whatever vibes strike you in the moment?

Oho I'm being asked things about how my brain works, yay me :D

Shortly: I have some level of rhyme and reason to the nonsense, but it's also largely up to whatever comes to mind first.

It's a rapid-fire process and something I've done since I was little—probably something to do with a somewhat distorted sense of identity I had as a child with conduct disorder, and this is one of the behaviours that just "stuck" through to my ASPD as an adult.

The general guidelines are:

"Shelter." People I know extremely personally and feel "safe" with are given my legal name so that they know it. They are not allowed to call me by this name—I am still Blu to them. The important thing is that they know it.

"Friend." People I know I'm going to be interacting with often (such as acquaintances I intend to befriend, or customers for my PMP business) get "Blu". By and far, this is my actual name. Rarely they get "Jet" if I think they're gonna be weird about Blu.

"Familiar." People I know I'm going to interacting with on "paper" terms (doctors, employers, mechanics, etc) are given my legal and not told about Blu.

"Acquaintance." People I know I'm going to be seeing more than once, but only for a short period of time, get a name that's easy to remember and one I go by often. This is typically "Mick".

"Raindrop." People I'm only meeting once and intend to never see again ("raindrops" I call them—because they're a single raindrop in an ocean of a continent, so the odds I'll ever see them again are astronomically low) are given whatever name comes to my mind first, but never Blu and never my legal or the legals of anyone I know. This is typically "John" but honestly can be whatever comes to mind first—there was one occasion where I blew my own cover and had to apologise because I'd called myself "Holden" and blamed it on a thinko. After that incident I started picking names before I greet someone. People don't always ask my name, especially if I'm offering them a service (like working on someone's dead car on a roadside), but it's polite to offer and it's better to have a plan in advance before I'm asked and risk floundering again.

These all tie in with personas btw. Every tier above has a carefully orchestrated persona that people get to see. As I'm just some stranger on the internet, I feel comfortable enough letting you all see the Friend Persona. Shelter is very bare bones and one that only a select few people have seen—a lot of people think they've seen Shelter but in reality it's just a more bare aspect of Friend when I lose control of the mask briefly. Paper is polite and professional but not there for conversing, just taking care of whatever needs to be taken care of. Acquaintance is somewhat distant, similar to the vibes a coworker gives off, and Raindrop is especially distant. In all of them I come off as very friendly but it's obvious you're not "in". Shelter is willing to answer any gestion, everything below that keeps some secrets.

I don't know how good of a job I done describing these but hopefully it makes sense.

#blu whos

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escape-rock-bottom · 1 year

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Journal #27 - No, I Don't Know What I'm Doing (Discomfort Challenge Journal)

A lot of my life, much like everyone else entering the young adult stage of life, is just me running around like a headless chicken trying to grasp a sense of purpose and autonomy. People like me tend to take longer or not even be capable of figuring all that out as quickly as most would.

Right out of high school, I knew I was expected to go to college. I didn't have a life calling or career interest whatsoever. All I could think about was my spiraling and out of control state of being. Regardless, I enrolled in the only degree program I was interested in.

From a young age, I've wanted to start a business. I didn't know what kind or what I'd do to start one, but the idea sounded cool and right in my range of interest. I hated the idea of jobs from the instant I learned what they were. Eeeew, I have to do pointless things to get paid by someone? Gross. I'd rather get paid by providing something people value. This aspiration died out in the onset of the mental illness crisis once I hit 9th grade, but I never forgot I wanted it. So, I chose business as my major with a minor in art.

After high school, various ideas for businesses came about but I either took action then abandoned it (due to a variety of factors) or never took action because I couldn't think through how or was just not that into it to start. Regardless, it's been 6 or so years since I really began playing around with the ideas and I'm still not the Cool Business Owner I dreamed of being.

While I was thinking of my discomfort challenge list, I remembered this along with my newfound drive to get outta rock bottom financially. I told myself that by the end of this challenge, I will have started a business of some sort. Apparently, you can go from idea to reality in less than a week with some business models. So, there I went, spending my time and energy doing just that.

I take a little longer than most to put things together. Realistically, I am limited by my schedule and variable mental clarity conditions and energy levels, so I knew a month would be just the right timeframe for me.

Turns out I was right. In the first week, I combed through every possible business model and idea I had. The next two were setting up the business itself - planning, figuring out my brand and niche, designing, and preparing to launch - and the final is dedicated to actually launching and refining.

Yeah. I have an actual existing business now. It's a newborn, but it's there which is better than nothing. My next moves are to set up a growth and management plan for next month and start to get traction by leveraging my (honestly expansive) range of social media accounts and trying some advertising and optimization. While I can't say I'm an expert, I know enough about the niche and internet/social media stuff to understand what people are more interested in.

I also can't say my product is the coolest and best thing ever in the world. My hopes for that are to just get traction then improve quality as my budget grows, but for now, it's a simple print-on-demand store using my handmade designs. As I create more designs, I'll definitely get more expertise doing as such.

To get to this point, it took a lot of mental work and blind risk taking and running through countless different ideas. Not only did I have to think through everything and create the designs and whatever for the store and products, but I had to actively reframe my thinking to keep myself in action. I couldn't let myself second guess and plan out every single detail or I'd never actually launch within the month, and I couldn't allow self doubt to sink its teeth into me. I just had to do enough planning to know my next step then take action.

The coolest thing is the fact that I have a few people saying they are interested in the design itself. I also personally know people in the niche I'm targeting that I can draw future inspiration and ideas from (or even have help advertise to their much much larger networks). I just have to put myself out there and manage my little newborn business and grow it to something.

I also have to remind myself that failure is eminent, I may come into some product issues or site issues or sales issues, but I can't let myself give up on the idea I'm truly excited for. Not only would that be lame but I'd also never see where my idea would potentially go or what I can accomplished.

If I'm faced with failure or other issues with the business, I need to remember:

Try to figure out a way to improve aspects that are considered "weak links"

Remove what doesn't work, keep and/or optimize what does

Pivot. Sometimes it's a matter of a moving market or interest

Expand my reach and solidify my brand. This can help drive sales and uphold my business' reputation

Expand my product variety if I see the problem is due to that

Communication with my audience to discover any new angles

Seek a business advisor/coach for advice

Recover and rebuild if the issue results in loss

Be transparent. People like to know that they are seen and heard, and people love when others hold themselves accountable

Keep moving forward. Running around while everything's crashing and burning is not productive or helpful

It's okay to feel frustrated or distressed when initially met with failure. It's how you react and move on afterwards that matters

Failure is a normal human experience. It's an event, not a personality trait

Learn from your failures

I'm excited for where I could be in a year. I'm even more excited for the journey and the learning and the freedom I can get from it. Most of all, I'm excited to share the things I created with the world. It's all I've longed for, and I will do my best to grow this little business into something impressive by my own standards of achievement.

Lastly, it's not that scary now that I launched it. I just had to do it. Things are usually not as terrifying as you make them out to be.

#drvn30 #challenge #business #progress

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mistihayesfix · 2 years

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Welcome to Black History Month in the United States! This month please do your part to educate yourself and learn something about the MULTIPLE and varied contributions of Black Americans to this country and the world.

Many trends and popular products and phrases deemed to be generic internet phenomena started as Black-specific memes and quips.

Our culture being colonized, gentrified, and made "more palatable" for the masses while never giving source credit is not new. Consuming Black art, media, and culture does not make you pro-Black or "more Black" than your Black friend who doesn't listen to Hip-Hop. Also, fuck you if you've said that.

Remaining unconcerned and unmoved by the inequalities and harm caused to Black folks while claiming allyship is bullshit. Get to know Black folks. Also, dig deeper and get to know the unsanitized versions of American history and what was done to Africans and the sovereign Indigenous Nations of this land.

Google is free, but I love and want to plug Because of Them We Can because it was started as a family project. As young people or grown adults, it's an excellent place to begin to get to know incredible figures in Black history and about our EXCELLENCE and BEAUTY, not only our struggles. Check out the BOTWC Instagram here.

As we often do when it's time for the marginalized to be recognized, I'm dropping a pay link to my Ko-fi so you can support an actual Black person in my current pursuits.

Not that it matters, but I am working on setting up my content marketing business because the job market remains trash. I have my first goal set up on the page to make my Dabble subscription an annual instead of monthly payment. Any contributions will go to support that or rent, because that's got to be paid too. I missed 10 days of work because of a COVID scare and some other family issues.

Feel free to follow my Ko-fi or set up a recurring donation if you're so inclined. I want to remind you, Misti is my pen name so don't be shocked if you see my government name pop up.

Always remember Black History is American History. Over the month, I'll share things as I want to.

#black history #black history month #because of them we can #black history is american history #black is beautiful #black lives matter #ko fi request #ko fi goal #ko fi memberships

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metalheadsforblacklivesmatter · 3 years

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*rants cutely* i just love the fact that i just had a mental breakdown because my school hasn't taught me anything about how to economically manage my life after college and i literally don't know ANYTHING about ANYTHING like i literally don't they haven't taught us anything and i only have one year left before college i genuinely don't know how i'm going to survive after college i have too bad of depression and adhd to actually hold down a job or a place which means i won't be able to pay for my anti-depressants, i'm aromantic so i won't be able to get marriage benefits so i won't be able to have kids even though i really want them because i won't even be able to take care of myself let alone my kids, and i can't do anyting about any of it and i'm terrified and argh.

i know you're busy and you don't know me but i could really use some reassurance that i'll be okay even if it's not true because i've seen what happens to mentally ill queer people when it's hard for us to work or do anything and i know it could happen to me and i'm really really scared and i just need to know i'll be okay even if i won't because i'm so scared of ending up homeless

sorry i don't mean to put pressure on a random internet stranger i'm not asking for help it's not your job i just want to know that it's not impossible to make it in the world because right about now it feels like it

You REALLY know know how to pick them for emotional support.

I have major depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. I am not okay 🤣

But as a mentally ill queer person myself you'll probably be fine.

First but if advice is get some customer service experience before you graduate college. You'll do better.

Second bit of advice is get a paid internship in your field preferably Junior and Senior year of college. It'll help you get a job right off the bat.

Third bit of advice is don't choose a major where you will experience discrimination. My life would be a thousand times easier if I weren't a femme in STEM.

Fourth but if advice is check out the insurance options on the open market. Call a medical insurance broker and review your options. If there's viable options in your state, you might want to look at contract jobs. They generally pay more (account for the fact that they don't contribute to your taxes or insurance). The only downside is you don't get PTO.

And medical insurance is a pain in the ass, but get an insurance broker. You don't have to pay anything, and they'll help you with the just stressful parts. I legit wouldn't have had insurance last year without it.

And as long as your pay is pretty straightforward (no tips or anything like that) you can use a free tax service. Your job will mail you you're W2, and you just enter the numbers from that into a free tax service. Taxes are easy if your pay is straight forward.

You'll be fine. You just have to get a job that's good for you. I recommend if looking for a new job every year or so is too stressful, try to find a well-rounded job. I'm a full-stack developer, so my job changes every day and sometimes every few hours and it's great.

Another thing if you want to find a job you like ask your interviewer if they'd let you switch to different roles or projects relatively easily if something else caught your interest. My favorite (as a developer) is "I understand this role is front-end, but if in five years I wanted a more backend role, would I be able to move around in the department like that?" If they say yes, that's a good job for ADHD.

Just always be sure to have questions about the company ready at an interview, and always frame your questions like "in five to ten years" this does 2 things. 1) it gets the image of you working there in their mind. 2) it shows if they hire you, you'll stick around. They like that.

Hope that helps. I've only been adulting for a few years, so I'm always happy to infodump the 101 things I wish people told me. Maybe my life would be easier if I had someone do the same for me.

Remember, if you get hired and it doesn't work out? Change jobs. I've been at my job a year and a half, but they don't quite have the pay/benefits I think I deserve, so I'll look elsewhere.

Most importantly, when participating in capitalism, always put yourself first. Remember your employer won't put you first. Their first priority is the company.

MOST IMPORTANTLY DON'T FORGET TO UNIONIZE. Don't talk union at your job, obviously, but the only way to ensure you're treated fair is to talk openly with your coworkers about everyone's pay and unionizing (outside of work, obviously, and only with your coworkers not your boss or manager).

-fae

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what-remains-of-wren · 3 years

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FAQ: The Thing I point To When I Really Can’t Be Bothered.

See, when I first started this account I was a fucking child. I’m now an adult with an autoimmune disorder caused by the trauma I’ve been through, plus, I have a job and a life. I am in pain and exhausted every single day now because the stress I went through as a young child warped my body’s ability to recognise friend or foe, and I now produce antibodies to a key component of oxidative phosphorylation, the main way your (and mine) body produces energy.

Long story short, I feel like shit. All the time. My capacity for dealing with other people’s shit is greatly reduced.

“Why are you such a jackass?”

See above: always in pain and always tired. In adition, I was raised in a cult. I had no friends and spent the majority of my time alone. I never learnt how to socialise like a neurotypical so I might as well embrace looking like a prick. I also barely socialize. I don't really need social interaction. I don't mind it, I just don't require it to function.

“I like you. Can we be mutuals?”

My instinctive reaction is "are you okay" but I know some people don't mind my tone and like my content when I remember that this blog exists. The answer is yes- if you follow me I'll probably follow back. It's tumblr, I follow hundreds of blogs and half of them don't post anymore. Curate your own experience.

Also if you're expecting me to message you as a mutual, like, don't? I treasure my mutuals but I'm really bad with direct messages so I just lurk in your notes and occasionally like things. If that suits you then we'll do great.

“Why do you emphasise your surname so much?”

I like having a full name. Gives me more gravitas which a 5'2" ISTJ shut-in doesn't otherwise have. Yes, I am 5'2". Bodily.

Do you have any hobbies?

I draw. I write. I code and I get into places I shouldn’t be. I spend most of my time indoors since sunlight destroys my DNA, so I spend a lot of time online, reading, or otherwise whiling away the time. I’m learning German and trying to solve a seventy-five year old legal mystery. I like law, criminal and international criminal law, and I collect and restore rosary beads. I’m listening to music pretty much 24/7 when I’m not on shift or asleep - I always half jokingly say it’s to block out the voices.

Why do you have DID?

This one I get more than I’d like, I think because I mention that we were raised in a very peculiar way. Short answer, is it’s not really any of your business unless we’re close friends, and even then there’s stuff I can’t talk about- or won’t- until we’ve processed it a bit more. Long answer, is that when we were very young we were not really given a chance to develop in a way that a normal person would, and not only has that made a bit of a mess of our body in a way that will potentially kill us, it’s made a bit of a mess of all the different facets that would normally make up a person actually becoming a singular person.

I have genuinely been asked if I’m a survivor of specific traumas or not on this platform to ‘prove’ I have the right to talk about a specific topic. My answer to that is, for one, I don’t talk about things I don’t know about, because I have a little self restraint, and for two, if you’re expecting me to come with boy scout badges for every nasty thing that’s happened to me, we better have a damn big shirt to sew them on to.

“Kill yourself/you should die/I hope you die/[other unoriginal hate message]”

I exist only to spite you. Sorry. Enjoy knowing that I live with a condition that makes me far more likely to have blood clots than a regular person, and any given moment I could drop dead of a stroke or a pulmonary embolism and yet I remain alive to spite you.

“You're too online. [Some random shit] doesn't exist in real life/I have X opinion and you have Y. Why can't you see [insert rant]?”

Adults can do what adults want. If you’re going to pull “oh but children are impressionable” if some 14 year old on the internet wants a circus themed gender I couldn't care less. They can try their luck with it in real life, but that’s not my problem.

As for syscourse, I literially can't be bothered to discourse on someone else's identity and I hate semantics arguments. If you don't a demographic around there's this amazing thing called a DNI. Me having DID does not mean I have to bully people or be some stellar advocate just by virtue of existing. I am not obligated to be an activist. I can't be bothered, nor do I feel the need to.

“Why do you follow [problematic person]?”

I don't background check who I follow and I'm not going to make a habit of it. Unless the discourse shows up on my dash I'm not gonna seek it out. Just because I follow someone doesn’t mean I agree with every aspect of their life, but we should all well know by now, monsters hide in plain sight all the time. I can never know if someone is a person I want to endorse so I just fucking don’t.

Also I rarely block people unless they're not someone I want on this blog or they're those "wanna see my nudes" bots. Tumblr, whilst barely functional in some areas, allows you to curate your experience pretty well without blocking people.

That being said this is something I am willing to talk about but in the end I can follow someone for my own purposes and simultaneously be aware their content is sometimes insensitive and not actively platform them for that reason.

“You're faking DID/DID isn't real/I posted you on syscringe/reddit/[other fakeclaim]”

I curate parts of our online presence specifically to generate traffic from people like you. I am genuinely serious. If me simply just minding my own business with other systems will get me fake claimed, I might as well go all in cringe, right? It's just entertaining for me. Better me than a younger, newer system who might not have the solid foundations I do.

If you think I'm going to post about the bad shit on the fucking internet- on a public blog -and not to a professional you are seriously mistaken. The internet is my "troll around" space, not "talk about my trauma" space. In addition, I am not your trauma porn. Survivors are not inspirational. Suck my dick.

“What do you think of [drama/discourse/current affairs] situation?”

Ask me once I’ve had my coffee and my painkillers. 9/10 I don’t have the energy to engage in the regular newsflow.

“Do you support [identity]?”

I think "do I support" is a funny phrasing for an identity. You don't "support" someone else's identity or "agree with" it because you don't actually get a say in it. If it's good faith and it's not actually hurting other people people can call themselves what they want and I don't care. Half the time I'm totally unqualified to give an opinion on these things. I just don't care what other people want to ID as.

“If you say you support everyone, do you support MAPs/Zoophiles?”

Children and animals can't consent. Non-consensual things are wrong. You should not have to ask me this. I feel like it’s kind of obvious.

“Are you pro-ship or anti?”

I'm asexual and neurodivergent. I don’t read fanfic or ship people. Don't expect me to take sides on issues I’m not familar with. Same goes for mspec lesbian discourse. I'm quite clearly not a lesbian. I defer to people have a fucking clue.

So that's the FAQ. I'll add to it over time, I'm sure, and I hope this saves me having to troll people who send me hate in the future. Leaves time to formulate nice answers to people who are here for genuine reasons and want genuine advice.

Live well and all that.

- Charlie

#faq #faq snarky edition

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