#because JO never mention them - but the people who they made happy posted about it on their websites and social media so we learnt about it
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Bojan on the cover of Astro Suzy, special summer edition of Suzy Magazine, focusing on astrology and spirituality.
Scans and ENG Translation by: @kurooscoffee
Cover Title:
Bojan Cvjetičanin: "We have a duty to change things for the better"
Article title:
We are driven by our love of life
WITH JOKER OUT, WE HAVE WITNESSED A MENTAL LEAP AND A SOCIAL PHENOMENON THAT WE HAVE LONGED FOR. THE BOYS GIVE HOPE THAT YOUNG PEOPLE ARE CONNECTING INTO A STRONG COMMUNITY THAT CARES ABOUT THE FUTURE, EVEN THOUGH PREVIOUS GENERATIONS HAVE LEFT THEM IN RUINS. IN A FLOOD OF STARLETS AND ARTIFICIALLY CREATED ONLINE INFLUENCERS, WE GOT ROLE MODELS WHO DON'T OFFER DISCOUNT CODES, BUT IMPORTANT MUSICAL MESSAGES ABOUT VALUES. IN THE MIDDLE OF A SLOVENIAN AND EUROPEAN TOUR, THE LEAD SINGER AND VISUAL OF THE BAND SHARED WITH US WHAT HE'S THINKING ABOUT, WHAT CAUSES HE'S STANDING BEHIND, AND WHY IT'S BENEFICIAL TO DEEPEN YOUR SPIRITUAL KNOWLEDGE.
What are you thinking about as representatives of the new wave, the new generation? What is your attitude towards the dynamics in society, climate change, pervasive social networks, in short, everything that weighs on modern man?
On the one hand, we ourselves are involved in all the processes that actively and continuously prolong the problems you are talking about. On the other hand, we are deeply aware of them and we are afraid of what is coming. It seems to me that in our generation the desire for change is very strong. There is a universal language of youth that has come together on the basis of feeling obliged and able to change things for the better. The song New Wave is about just that. We are ready to celebrate this common strength because we are encouraged by the idea that we are not alone. At the same time, we know that we are compelled to do something because someone before us has seriously 'fucked up'.
In your hit song 'Novi Val' (New Wave), already the very first verse has you wonder where to go from here. Do you know the answer?
If we want to do anything other than burn the horizon, the only way is towards community, away from egocentrism, with an onlook towards common good.
Let's stick to the anthem of the generation of love, as you named your peers and loyal supporters. The phrase 'We were born yesterday and everything is already our fault' is powerful and worrying. You have been given a pitiful lagecy by your ancestors. How do you defend yourself from taking a role of a victim and instead get actively involved in creating a brighter future?
Great question! It would be hard to change anything for the better if we put on the victim's cloak. The fact that in recent years it has become clear that there is a rebellion by people who have had enough is already a cause for optimism. When you put yourself in the role of the one who carries a scepter as a synonym of the leader of change, you move away from being a victim. And each one of us in this community carries it. In reality, we are taking the position that society is currently a victim and it is our task to defend it.
How?
We all contribute in our own way. The role of musicians is to connect people with positive messages. So by constantly reminding people about friendship, love and other social components that can be tapped into through music. In Slovenia, we have a lot of organisations that are trying to change the situation for the better in many different ways. It does not require much to at least educate oneself about what these organisations are doing. I have the feeling that many people would like to get involved and help. At the end of grammar school and at college, we were encouraged to find out about collective organisations. It was clear to them that many people would want to join of their own initiative once they knew what they stood for. I know many former classmates who are very active members and supporters of various movements. Even if we minimise our own negative energy on social networks, it is a big step towards a good state of society, and of mind.
(picture 1: Family Cvjetićanin knows how to stick together)
You seem to care about a world that is increasingly drowning in chaos. You have become idols, not only of young people, but also of their parents. Is this a burden of responsibility or does it encourage you do even more activism?
It's a great feeling when the little ones take you for an idol. As a teenager, it was also inspiring to be surrounded by the music of Big Foot Mama and Siddharta. It gave me a message in a language that I could not compare with anything else. But our creativity does not depend on what people think of us or how they perceive us. But it is a great honour to know that you are one of those who encourage someone. Many people are listening, but not hearing. Joker Out is made up of five individuals who, in real life, when the cameras and the spotlights are off, are just normal guys. We went through all the processes of growing up on the streets, socialising and playing. We went through the process of going to school, and we were not problematic adolescents. Even today, our most extreme departure from an ideal is what 99% of young people do. To party sometimes. We are not outlaws by nature.
Your work is a beacon of light, a source of hope and strength. Many have done it before you, especially the Beatles. A lot has changed since their era, much of it unfortunately for the worse. How do you keep optimistic? Why is it worth the effort?
Every musician in history who has sung about ending war and living for love has failed miserably. I believe that at least those people who follow the messenger are convinced of peace and love. If every musician encourages someone to to do so, it's a hefty amount of opponents of hate. We are driven forward by love for life.
Writing texts is a responsible job, and you are baring your soul at the same time. Where is the line, to what lengths are you willing to go to protect the most vulnerable part of yourself?
I have never consciously inhibited the process of looking inside myself. But I feel that with age and experience I understand more and more what can lead me to a deeper state of mind. In the beginning I didn't dare to dig into myself. Today I have no problem in fully exposing my feelings, because they are, after all, states that happen of their own accord - and it is impossible to force them
(picture 2: The boys of Joker Out became even closer)
No Slovenian artist has enjoyed such a fierce international success as Joker Out. Concerts in iconic European clubs are literally sold out in hours, even minutes. How do you accept fame? Is it a blessing or is there also a bit of fear?
There are certainly Slovenian musicians with international experience. Maybe not at our age, but that doesn't take away from their importance. We have achieved a very nice success here in terms of listeners, we have honed our skills and we have grown with the band as a collective. We have grasped who and what we are as a whole. We are a group of people who make music purely because we really enjoy it. Whatever feelings our music-making evokes, it all comes from us in the most sincere way, Fortunately, our music is liked by a larger crowd and we have managed to transmit our unforced joy, happiness, joy across national borders. There is no better catalyst for such a breakthrough than Eurovision, we chose the moment to participate wisely. It paid off as a successful project, because for a good band it doesn't matter which part of the world it comes from. It's important to be heard - and we were heard by a lot of people. The only thing that has changed so far is that the bonds between us have strengthened. Suddenly we have been forced to talk about emotions and experiences that we did not have before. There has been a lot of filtering of unfamiliar feelings. The desire to create increased a thousandfold for all five of us.
Are you aware of the role that the public attributes to you, to act as a beacon of light in a crowd of frustrated, bitter people?
No. I would hardly say that I can understand that. Every time I hear something like that, it strikes me that it is saying too much. I really cannot think of myself in such a strong context.
You are giving yourself away. You are constantly on the road, interviews, concerts, promotional tours. It's exhausting. How do you recover? What calms you down, fills you with grace?
It's true that we give a lot of ourselves. But we get so much more in return. Nothing calms me more than coming home and being close to my family. And of course the company of Kris, Jan, Jure and Nace. The people we were with friends before this euphoria, have stayed with us, this team surround us with a lot of love.
(picture 3: He's noticing, that young people are connecting into a strong community that cares about the future)
As a front-man and lyricist, you are even more exposed. You've crossed the magical 200 thousand followers on Instagram, which is a mega number, but also a mega stressful situation. Most young people who find themselves in such a situation turn to intoxicating substances. Can you consciously stop and say that you need time for yourself?
The only thing that made me a bit anxious was the sudden exposure to such a large audience'on social media. This brings with it unimaginable dimensions of human imagination, including malice. Imaginary stories emerge in which people literally compete to see who can come up with something more bizarre. This stress got to me at the beginning, because I felt that I had to defend myself in front of the public. In the end, I realised that I didn't need to convince anyone and that it was enough to know the truth. With the help of colleagues who have similar experiences, I have calmed down. As for the substances, I have a natural protection against those, because I am an incorrigible hypochonder. I dare not take an aspirin unless it is really urgent. Above all, I know when to stop.
You come from a close-knit, loving family. That is certainly a solid foundation on which to build your personality. What is their view of everything that happens to you?
They are very proud! Of all my achievements and of me for being able to pull off a music career combined with the academic milestone of graduating. My parents and my grandmother are definitely my biggest supporters. They accompany me on my journey with warnings, but they are more about eating regularly, to not get a stomach ache, to consume enough water and to get enough sleep. I have been chronically lacking the latter in the last few weeks.
What is your relationship to astrology, esotericism, in short, something that is intangible but can be felt?
Superstition is the one I use the most. For Eurovision I had a special pair of underpants and I was haunted by the feeling that if I didn't wear them, everything would go to hell. Jan's mum gave me a lace clover, which I didn't dare leave in Ljubljana. I asked the stylist to sew it on my outfit as a precaution. I got a clay horseshoe from a little girl, and it went with me to Liverpool. It will seem strange to some, but I believe in energies and ghosts.
How do you strengthen your spiritual side?
Not very well. I wish I had managed to acquire more spiritual knowledge in the last year. For example, basic meditation techniques and the laws of yoga, because I am definitely not physically active enough. The feeling of being 90 years old eats up most of my spirit. My back hurts all the time. The best thing I do for inner growth is to read books. Not enough, but I'm going to get better. A little less phone scrolling and more self-reflection, that'll do the job!
Author: Tomaž Mihelič, PHOTO: VITA OREHEK
Scans and translation by: @kurooscoffee (jokeroutsubs) DO NOT REPOST!
#Joker out#bojan cvjetićanin#bojan cvjeticanin#a sociologist rambling about sociological issues... this interview was so much fun to translate#but also challenging!!#i hope I did it justice#Bojan is SO well spoken in Slovenian <3#and anyway people who have been following us saw the stuff like Bojan/JO doing these random acts of kindness that'd almost stay unnoticed#because JO never mention them - but the people who they made happy posted about it on their websites and social media so we learnt about it#they're also doing another charity concert next week in Ljubljana for a kid with a unique illness that requires very expensive treatment#there were also reports of Bojan donating to charity before he was even (that) famous#so yeah he's not just bullshitting but really stands behind what he says#he's a good bean
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Hello could I request for an imagine of Jo’s relationship with reader being revealed? Ending up with the reader being bombarded with paparazzi. Jo is there to comfort you and so on..
This is funny because I got the same request for Yuma, lol. I will do it, of course. I hope you like it. 💞
Masterlist
Popular - &Team Jo
Synopsis: After Jo had debuted with &Team, you had supported him but when someone leaks your relationship, you're brought into the reality of dating a global star and it's hell.
Warnings: angst, fluff, swearing, reader is being cussed out, violence, breakdowns, panic attacks, hurt/comfort,
Word Count: 1400
So many people had warned you but you didn't listen. You never listen. Why would you? You were happy! You were perfectly fine to figure everything out yourself! You didn't need help from anyone!
Until now. . .
You knew damn well that dating a global star would be difficult. There wouldn't be as much time together as you're used to, a lot of missing each other and not to mention. . . the fans.
The fans.
You loved them. Luné really seem so nice when &Team debuted. They were all so supportive, many people were Jo biased and no one suspected you.
You.
You had known Jo for seven years now, only been in a relationship for one. You had met at school, became friends and then he asked you out when he was training to become an idol. You said yes.
You adore Jo. Honestly, you can't imagine your life without him anymore. But now you're absolutely thorn. Your life is ruined, so does it really matter who you spend the remains with?
It all happened last Friday. . .
***
Jo had a day free from work so he called you at 6 A.M. to come over. You, of course, cursed his ass that he had to wake you this early but since you were now awake, you left your house and went over.
The first four hours were spend on the couch watching disney movies until Jo decided to take a walk with you. He made sure you were warm enough as the cold weather outside could still get you sick.
Your hands intertwined, either of you one earbud as you walk together through the city. It was a beautiful day.
After two hours, when both of you were sitting in a cat-café together, petting some cute pets, your phone started blowing up. You take the device out of your pocket and scroll through social media only to find your name, address and relationship revealed.
"Jo?" His phone blows up as well. You're both looking down at your phones in pure panic.
***
You had made sure to leave the café behind but it didn't do much for your privacy. Your social media accounts were found, mean comments were left under your posts, forcing you to go private.
Jo had been scolded by his manager for not being careful but all he could think about was you. He begged his manager to deny the accusations and remove your name from all platforms but so far, there hasn't been anything done.
Monday.
You had tried to fake an illness but your mom caught on and told you to 'stop being childish' and 'just go to school'. You take your bag and walk outside the door.
You have a jacket on, the hood covers your head and you look down to avoid all eye contact. Your mood has never been so low, you feel absolutely thorn.
Walking onto the school grounds, you sit down on a small wall outside of the building. You wait patiently for your friends. When you see them, you go over.
"Guys!" You say, sounding a lot more desperate than you had wanted. "It got out. The news of me and Jo got out and there's so many people angry with me--"
"You should've listened to us." Akari, one of your best friends, replies.
"You wanted to date him even after we warned you about what could happen." Sora adds. "This is on you." They continue to walk towards the building, leaving you to stand alone.
Were they right? Was this really all on you?
The amount of dirty looks and glares you had gotten during the day made you physically sick. So much though, your mom had to pick you up because you puked out your lunch.
You had never felt like this. Like every decision you make would shape your future. You get home and immediately go to your room, locking yourself up.
You stare at your phone for about five minutes before the temptation becomes too much and you pick it up. You check the media platforms and find some stuff you rather didn't see.
y/nhater: I thought Jo would've gone for someone prettier
&teamfann: I know right? She looks like a maid, lol
Jomylove: I bet he found her in a dumpster and decided to keep her like a cat or smth
Jolovexx: I think she looks nice
Lunéforevah: lmao, ok. She literally looks like a pig but yeah
You turn off your phone, trying your best to hide the tears that have fallen. Why are people so mean? You crawl underneath your covers and close your eyes, wishing you won't wake up anymore.
***
"Jo, please calm down." Nicholas mutters.
"You don't understand! She's not picking up the phone! What if something happened to her?"
"I don't think you should worry about that." Yuma replies, his eyes focused on the TV screen.
"Why not?" Jo asks, frustratedly.
"Because she's right there, getting bombarded by paparazzi." Jo's head snaps around to face the tv. There you are, followed by a bunch of psychopaths with microphones and cameras through the city. He can't see your face since you're covering it up but he knows you.
"Fuck!" He takes his jacket and runs outside.
He had been looking for what felt like ages. You were nowhere to be seen and it sucked. Jo was worried, he had never felt like he was about to explode until now. He tries calling you again but you don't pick up.
It's only when he hears distant sobs near the cat café you two loved to go to, that he becomes weary again. He follows the sound and surely enough finds out in a dark alley, sitting on the ground with your face in your hands.
His heart breaks.
"y/n?" He sits down next to you, guilt washes over him in thick waves. "I'm so sorry." He closes his eyes, trying to keep his own tears inside. "It's all my fault, I should've been there for you. I'm sorry."
You wrap your arms around him, continuing to cry into his chest. Everything had just become too much. You never asked for this, you never wanted to be popular.
"I want to go back to how it used to be." You mumble, hands clawing at his shirt. Jo has his arms tightly wrapped around you.
"I wish I could've protected you but. . ." Boy this was hard. He loved you, it's unfair for the both of you if he breaks it off now but he has to protect you. "We should break up."
"You're gonna let me go through this alone?" You ask, pulling away from him and stare at him with red eyes and tear-stained cheeks. "You can't leave now, I need you here. I can't do this alone."
That's it.
***
"I quit."
"WHAT?!" His manager's eyes widen in horror at Jo's statement the next morning. "What do you mean you quit?"
"If I can't be with her and be an idol at the same time then I don't want to be an idol. Let someone else take my position and tell Luné that they don't have to worry about dating rumours anymore."
"But, this is your dream!" His manager tries to reason.
"So is y/n." Jo replies, confidently. "I'm not gonna give her up. I can't let her go through this alone." His manager hums and looks down.
"Nobody is quitting, you hear me?" He asks, pointing at Jo. "We'll find a way, you just make sure your girlfriend is happy and I will make sure Hybe takes care of the rest."
***
You are currently sitting in your room with Jo next to you. His arm is resting over your shoulders and pulls your body closer to his. You look down at your hands fiddling with one another.
"What if they had said that you had to quit?" You ask softly. You are feeling guilty right now for not being strong enough to deal with this yourself.
"I was prepared to make that sacrifice." Jo replies, rubbing your arm gently.
"You shouldn't have to. This is your dream."
"You are more important to me than that." He assures you. You smile up at him and rest your head against his shoulder. "Besides, Hybe will make sure everyone stops harassing you. I promise."
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In need of a new perspective
one-shot inspired by the line, "No thing so sure that I can't learn to doubt it" from New Perspective by Noah Kahan
mentions of parts 2 and 3 of the social media au but can be read independently ☺️
600+ words
masterlist
It was during Bahrain’s first free practice session that Johanna first met Fernando Alonso. The team was happy with her time and still full of adrenaline, she decided to go for a walk around the paddock. Recognizing him from testing earlier that year, Jo greeted Lance as she passed the Aston Martin facilities.
He smiled as she slowed, “Hey Johanna, how’s practice going?”
“Pretty good, I think. Mick gave me some tips that turned out pretty useful. I’m having to completely adapt my driving style to take these turns at this speed.”
“Oh yeah, I remember that. You’ll get the hang of it.”
He started moving back towards his team’s garage, and was happy to continue the conversation as they walked. Her black race suit stood out in the sea of green, but most smiled at her as she passed. Before long, Stroll’s engineer was calling him. On the other side of the garage Alonso was getting out his car as the time ran out for the first session of the weekend.
“Mohn,” he called as she started to turn back to her walk, “how is your first weekend?”
Jo stopped short, smiling, “Well, the team’s happy so I can’t complain.”
He nodded, “And how are you?”
She looked out to the pit lane at the other crew, staff, and journalists milling about. “Nervous. There’s a lot of expectations riding on me right now.”
“Don’t worry about all of them. I’ve seen you race. You will excel here.”
Her eyebrows raised of their own accord, “You’ve seen me race?”
He grinned, “I went back and watched most of last year’s F2 season after Audi announced you as their driver. I like knowing who I am racing against.”
Johanna was shocked. Fernando Alonso, someone she had been watching since she was little, saw her as a competitor. An equal. “That’s…that’s really cool to hear, Alonso.”
Later that day, after the second session, he commented on her tweet about the car. Laughing at his response to Lance, she showed it to Oscar and Logan.
“She’s got a mentor. Oscar, how are we going to compete with her?” Logan over dramatically fell back on the couch in her driver room, “But seriously, that’s awesome.”
After the boys left, Johanna found herself doing the one thing everyone told her not to do. The comments on her tweet - and posts made by Audi Sport’s official accounts - were full of the same general sentiment. She didn’t belong here. She wasn’t good enough to compete against the other drivers. She was a PR stunt. She won’t last a year. Comment after comment it felt never-ending, and it wasn’t hard to believe the things people were writing about her. Nearly in tears, she texted her teammate. Mick was quick to respond.
Have you been reading your comments again?
c’mon, we’re not AlphaTauri
Minutes later she got a text from Fernando.
You may not see it when we are in our cars, but you have many fans on the grid
Talking to him helped quite a bit, and the two of them must of said something to her other friends because just about the second her conversation ended with Alonso she got a text from Oscar inviting her to come out with the rest of the grid kids; they had taken to calling themselves that, referring to the combined trios of 2019 and 2023 rookies, mostly because it annoyed Alex and George. While they were out, Lando pulled her aside.
“All of those comments are coming from idiots that can barely drive down the street. You have just as much merit to be here as Oscar and Logan, you hear? And if anyone around the paddock says something you just let us know.”
The others overheard and gathered closer around them. George smiled at her, “Yeah, Lewis has taught the rest of us a thing or two about correcting reporters. We have no problem putting someone in their place.”
Johanna was grateful for the reminder that she had support from the people that mattered.
#incorrect formula 1#social media#formula one#formula 1#oscar piastri#logan sargeant#original character#lance stroll#fernando alonso#lando norris#george russell#alex albon#mick schumacher
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lana del rey songs ranked by how lacho del rey they are: born to die (paradise edition) PART ONE
strap in this shit is crazy
born to die: 10/10
this is post 5x10 nacho reflecting on lalo in the hotel room. it's not even worth picking out lyrics because they all apply. honestly i should make a music video to this.
off to the races: 10/10
honestly giving both ottr and btd the same rating is a little weird to me because ottr is, personally, to me, more lacho. but only because it is the lacho that lives in my head where nacho fully succumbs to the lana-ification and becomes the man he was always meant to be, i.e., lalo's sugar baby. i also personally like interpreting it from nacho's pov because "my old man is a bad man" is insane, he has a broke-down life but an la crass way about him, he's putting his red dress(shirt) on, etc., but i know some people like to think of it as lalo pov, and that's valid, too! anyway i legitimately have a full music video of this in progress.
blue jeans: 4/10 (nacho pov) vs 9/10 (lalo pov)
this one gets a discrepancy because it makes less or more sense depending on who you imagine. blue jeans white shirt walked into the room made my heart hurt is obviously lalo in the famous fit:
like this could be an album cover. but the other stuff doesn't fit from nacho's pov as well.
BUT from lalo's pov we have it!!! we do have nacho in a blue jeans white shirt but lalo never saw that and it's not very nacho-esque anyway ): also it's not like lalo to cry over nacho. but the sentiments of loving you more than those bitches before (amber and jo -- sorry women, you're not bitches, but we put the feminism away for lana del rey time) and "But when you walked out that door, / A piece of me died / I told you I wanted more, / But that's not what I had in mind / I just want it like before / We were dancing all night / Then they took you away, / Stole you out of my life / You just need to remember..." is very lalo-realizing-nacho-worked-for-gus. as is the rest of the song. if only gilligould would let lalo be textually gay instead of subtextually gay.
video games: 2/10
look, video games is the first ldr song i ever heard and i love it and it's my life whatever, but it's, unfortunately, not very lacho. lana is too happy here. lalo is old and doesn't understand video games. it does get points for "I heard that you like the bad girls / Honey, is that true?" (nacho is a woman) and the lines about holding in big arms and playing pool and wild darts.
diet mountain dew: 5/10
the aesthetics are on point, but it's a pretty general song and really could be applied to any toxic relationship. also neither of them drink diet mountain dew. a few things stand out, though. the usual riding in old cars, smoking cigarettes, mention of jesus, etc, that lana is famous for, of course. this is a white pontiac heaven:
i think it's a bit too old school for the lacho aesthetic, unfortunately. they're more 60s/70s cars than 50s style. though i could imagine lalo keeping a couple of 50s around for nostalgia, but that's headcanon. (imagine little lalo riding in a car like this with his dad and his mom in a headscarf through mexico city or something...)
and no, nacho, i have never seen a girl so pretty as you.
anyway, too general. next!
national anthem: 9/10 (lalo pov) and 10/10 (nacho pov)
god, they are both so handsome! national anthem blah blah blah lalo is mexican and nacho is chicano and they probably tease each other about that. there’s already an fanvid to this but i can’t find it. a link would be appreciated! so since you guys already have it from lalo pov, i’ll do nacho.
here’s a bugatti veyron, which if nacho was alive in 2012, he definitely would have one:
“ Money is the reason we exist” yes, you are in a cartel. “Um, do you think you'll buy me lots of diamonds? ("Yes, of course I will, my darling")” nacho get over yourself and let yourself be a sugar baby!!!
seriously, you can be his housewife. you don’t have to cook and you don’t have to clean because you’ve got that wet ass pu-
dark paradise: 9/10
one that is unequivocally from lalo’s pov. i knocked a point off because we don’t have lalo canon mourning nacho and also he has no friends to tell him that he’s wrong. their relationship is definitely a dark paradise though!
nacho is dead. :(
radio: 2/10 (canon) 10/10 (the secret good version of lacho that lives in my head)
the 2/10 for canon comes from this:
nacho’s father is an immigrant who believed in the american dream and if i talk about it too long i’ll get sad, which is not the point of this. moving on!
again, nacho, give in. this could be your life. you could be sweet like cinnamon. your life COULD be like a dream you’re fucking living in. YOUR DAD DOESN’T EVEN LIKE YOU. GO TO YOUR NEW DADDY.
carmen: 0/10
this is not lacho at all. good song though and definitely applicable to other blorbos.
million dollar man: 5/10 (nacho pov) 8/10 (lalo pov)
first of all, this is a great title. i should save this for a fic. lalo is a million dollar man. he’s a seven million dollar man, actually.
i’m getting a bluebell tattooed on me i swear.
anyway, lalo didn’t break nacho’s heart so it’s not as applicable from his pov, even though he IS the most exotic flower and lalo IS screwed up and brilliant and looks like a million dollar man. here’s the fun part, though: so does nacho! therefore, it is actually better from lalo’s pov, as nacho did leave his heart broke ):
summertime sadness: 4/10 (nacho pov) 7/10 (lalo pov)
alas, if only nacho had lived to see the summertime. he could be putting on his red dress and dancing in the pale moonlight. but he killed himself so. it is kinda applicable if you think about it as being right before his suicide, but also he told lalo he was a soulless pig and not “baby, you’re the best” so.
but this is very lalo if lalo had the emotional ability to let himself feel sad over the betrayal. but he doesn’t!
now if this was what comes next ‘verse....10/10 for both of them <3
this is what makes us girls: 0/10
nacho is a girl but he was hustling as a teenager, not whatever this is, so 0/10. also my least favorite song on the album.
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Senior year
Journalism is important. It's needed and its practitioner are noble for choosing to provide a public service. The public is less ignorant because of this thankless profession and I'd be scared to live in a world without it.
But I don't think it's for me.
It's lovely to find this out now, in my senior year as a communications, journalism major.
I was always told that I was a "good" writer. I've always gotten A's n English.
Then, there was media influence.
Anne Hathaway's character was a journalist in The Devil Wears Prada. Rory Gilmore was the editor of the Yale Daily News in Gilmore Girls. Jo March was a writer in Louisa May Alcott's Little Women.
It feels so silly now, choosing my major because my idols played/wrote them as writers, but I was 17.
To top things off, there was the 2015 Academy Award winner for "Best Picture," Spotlight. The film deeply moved me. Those reporters really made a difference.
I wanted to make a difference, too. I declared my major.
I felt initial panic while at community college, but I brushed it off as just that. Lots of people will tell you to trust your gut feelings about things, but I've never followed that. I've known for years I'm an anxious, overthinking wreck, so following my initial gut feeling always seemed silly. Why would I listen to me?
I still feel like this for the most part, but in regards to my college journey, I think I should have listened.
Anyway, when the pandemic hit, I moved on to panicking about the world (health, social injustice, whether or not I'd have toilet paper or not), and school just didn't seem so important. I stuck with it, but making an appointment at the career center or with an advisor just seemed like excess work. I was busy being anxious.
Pretty soon, I had an associate's degree in journalism.
I think about my community college journalism peers a lot, mostly because I see their posts on Instagram. Most of them are still in school. A few of them got jobs in the field.
My former entertainment editor, who awarded me "best entertainment writer" during my first semester at the paper, works at NBC Universal, which is pretty cool.
Those who are still studying are really engaging with the field. One reported on President Joe Biden's SoCal visit for his school paper. Another flew to Washington D.C. to hear Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein speak.
And me? Nothing, really.
I've been dreading joining my school paper. I've put it off until my very last semester. The only time I've stepped foot in the newsroom was to propose a story I wrote for class, which was actually decent, to an editor. She wasn't there.
Mentioning my old peers and what they're up to may come off as jealousy; it kind of is. I'm really jealous of them.
I am not jealous of their opportunities of experiences. I think that's awesome and I'm so happy for them. I am jealous, however, of their desire to go out and do these sorts of things.
I don't desire to do much at all.
Why couldn't I have a passion for this like they do? That would make things simple.
Anyway, I'm at a university now. I'll graduate in the spring. I'll have another degree in journalism. My parents will have it framed, I'm sure.
But what will I do?
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They Just Don't Know You
Soft Yandere! Seo Moon-Jo x F! Reader
Disclaimer: This is just a work of fiction. If this piece of fan fiction is offensive to any celebrity, fandom or culture please let me know so I can take it down. Also note that this is my version of a character or celeb, which will vary from person to person.
Author's Note: A 2nd longer fic for our lovely cannibalistic psychopath. I hate that I'm attracted to him. Someone please be my therapist. Or psychiatrist. Honestly doesn't matter. My brain is fucked anyway.
Copyright: Please note that this is my work and if you want to publish this on any other platform, take my permission before doing so. Taking an author's work and posting it somewhere else without any intimation is just disrespectful. I readily welcome suggestions and criticisms. That being said, Happy reading! 🤍
Warnings: 16+ and written for female reader, but all can read. (nothing specified with respect to appearance, etc of reader). Except that I've mentioned reader is short, cuz LDW is tall 🥰. There is a brief mention of sex, but no actual smut. Reader kinda highkey hates on her parents and younger sister. Read it to know. Age gap between reader and Moon-Jo. Slight obsessive thoughts. Manipulative words. I tried to put plot twist in the end, probably you won't notice it 💀. Please please tell me if I need to add more warnings. Do not read if you start to feel uncomfortable. I apologize in advance 🥺
❗❗PLEASE READ WARNINGS ❗❗
Pre-Requisite / Summary: Just a fic based on the song They Just Don't Know You by Little Mix. After watching Strangers from hell I related this song to him for some reason. Reader and Moon-Jo are in an established relationship. And reader's loved ones don't approve.
2.3k ish words My longest fic till date 🥳
" You know that he's too old for you. You can settle for younger, much younger guys for your age sweetheart. If you can't find anyone eligible enough, we will find one for you. And you don't even know if he has intentions of marrying you. What if all he wants is just a fling or some time pass relationship. Hmm? What are you going to do then? "
Sipping her tea silently, Y/N sat next to her dad on the porch swing, listening to all the criticisms he had about Moon-Jo. All his words did was boil her blood. But what could she do when they don't walk in her shoes? They don't know how safe and content she feels when he kisses her like she's the only girl for him in the entire universe. And no point in explaining that to her father anyway. She's tried. And failed. Multiple times.
"Are you done with your tea?" She asks her dad, in desperate attempt to try and get away from him and his words because she knows, and even he knows that it's going to end up in a fight if they continue to speak on the same topic.
Humming yes, he hands her his tea cup which she takes to the kitchen so she can help her mom with dinner. Placing them in the sink upon entering the kitchen, Y/N drags her palms down her face in frustration.
" I could hear what he said you know. Your dad. He's not wrong. Seo Moon-Jo seems like he'll break your heart in three. And we're only looking out for you Y/N. You don't have to go through heartbreak when you can very well avoid it." Her mom finished slowly.
" Why. Why is it so difficult for you to accept the fact that I'm actually in a happy relationship for once in my life. So what if he's much older than I am? He's a dentist. A doctor. A very good profession and he's known and well respected in his neighbourhood too. " Y/N said loud enough for her dad also to hear.
Huffing in annoyance she left the kitchen to go upstairs to her room. Or rather the room she shares with her sister. Of course the door is wide open. The younger rascal is always here for the drama.
Ever since Y/N came out to her family about her relationship with Moon-Jo, her sister has become the favourite child, for obvious reasons. And now eavesdropping with the door wide open? That's a new low. But what else can Y/N expect from such a low life who is literally thriving off her own sister's pain and suffering.
When entering the room, Y/N realizes how big a mistake it was to visit her family. And she did not need such snark from a younger, less experienced child.
"Are you that blinded by " Love " that you don't even see how weird his hair is? A man who isn't an idol or actor doesn't need such long hair. He's clearly a fuckboy. Or man whore. Whichever is right. " She said with disgust.
'She's just jealous. She's just a jealous bitch. They all are.' Y/N thinks to herself.
" At least one of us gets laid regularly. And just so you know, it's absolutely heavenly when he makes me cum over and over on his fingers and his dick-" Y/N said as her tone slowly got lower and darker and her emotion angrier.
Screaming and covering her ears, the younger girl ran downstairs to her mother, no doubt to tattle on her older sister. Rolling her eyes, Y/N started packing her things, all of them, in a bag she took down from the top shelf of the wardrobe.
It's really difficult to leave one's family, but it is clearly getting more and more tiresome to love them nowadays. If it's so wrong to date him, why does Y/N herself not see it? She's a logical and smart young lady. Does her family hate that man so much that they don't even want her to be happy? No matter who she's with. And is it so bad to date a man who's older? Richer? And cares more about her than all of her family members combined?
Wiping the fallen tear stains from her cheek, she just thinks to herself ' They just don't know him. They just don't know him like I do. '
Sending a text to her lover, saying that she misses him and that she's coming back home sooner than planned, Y/N carries her bag through the front door, her parents and sister ignoring her as she leaves and walks out that door one final time.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Once reaching their shared apartment, Y/N collapsed into her lover's arms the moment he opens the door, crying her eyes out. Seeing his lover in turmoil, shedding a tear or two of his own, Moon-Jo carries her to the living room couch to cradle her like a child who needs attention.
" They- They said -"
" Shh my darling. I know. " Moon-Jo said, shushing his girlfriend and giving her a shoulder to cry on. Once she's calmed a little, her sobs turning to sniffs, she lifts her head to meet his gaze.
Seeing her sad, tear stained eyes always upset him. More than anything in the world. Running his long slender fingers across her cheeks and jaw, he removes her hair from her ponytail with his free hand and rests it on her thigh.
" Tell me. Please tell me that you won't break my heart like them. That you won't try to tear my world apart like them. " Y/N looked desperately at him, wanting so badly to know that he's not just using her.
Those words, that slipped out her mouth, shocked Moon-Jo, to say the least. What did he do wrong? What did her family fill her head with?
Tilting his head to a little, he looks into her red eyes, trying to read her mind for a moment, all the while she just looked at him with the same desperate expression.
"Please tell me that you will be there when I need you the most. " Y/N whispered so softly, she herself barely heard it. But the end of the sentence, she started crying all over again.
Taking her head to his neck, he stroked her hair and her sides, trying to calm her down.
" Darling. I promise with my everything, that I will never leave you, I will never ever let you go. That I will do anything, anything necessary to prove my love to you. "
"No, oh dear no. That's not, you don't have- have to do anything at all to make me believe you love me. I'm sorry I asked such a stupid question. " She sobbed out.
Shushing her softly again, he rocks their bodies back and forth, till she's calmed and fallen asleep there, in his arms. Knowing that his arms are her only safe place for her from now on, he takes her delicate figure to the bedroom.
Placing her on her side of the bed, he lays down on his. Staring at her stunning face, he feather touches her face with his fingertips, memorizing every curve, every little detail on her, like a sculptor admiring his work and giving it the finishing touches.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
" So, I did a little digging on your sugar daddy. "
" Why?! And he's not my sugar daddy. " Y/N said in disbelief. No. Not her dear best friend too.
" I know you said not to and I'm sorry. But I am worried about you. He made you leave your family Y/N. " They stated with worry and sympathy.
" No. He didn't make me leave them. I left them by choice. They don't see him like I do. And clearly, they hate that I'm happy with him. " Y/N finished as they sat down at the lunch table.
" Y/N..... "
" What? Even you don't want me to be happy? " She questioned her friend in disbelief. Laughing sarcastically Y/N shook her head.
" I've heard rumours! Okay? He was in the orphanage that had that severe fire explosion. And most of the culprits from that incident are MIA. What if he's one of the people who caused it?! " They said in a whisper, worried that the neighbouring people can hear their conversation.
" Do you really think that? All of that is just a rumour. And he's told me about it. He's told me everything. Unlike my parents who so desperately tried to tie me down to an arranged marriage. "
" He's not good for you. I know you deserve better. Okay he may make happy and all but what if he leaves? What if he just uses you and drops you like you were nothing? We're just trying to make sure you don't get hurt Y/N. Physically and emotionally. " They finished.
" This, all what you said, is cheap talk. But it'll eventually wear down because when we get married and have kids and all that in the future, you're all going to look like fools. And I will proudly say ' I told you so '. "
" If that's the case then I am the happiest person for you. Hopefully I won't have to be the one to say ' I told you so'. "
" Wow. I, just- hah. Wow. Just wow. " She paused.
" You know, I really hoped you would be more supportive or at least tolerant enough to have patience and support me with my decision for my love. " Y/N said loud enough for eavesdroppers to hear audibly.
Of all the people she would have to drop, never even in her nightmares had she fathomed that her best friend would be one.
Getting up from the table, she picks up her bag and leaves without another word, and goes to the only place that has love for her and that accepts her.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Reaching home, Y/N notices the place empty. Maybe he's at the clinic?
Shrugging off her bag and jacket she sits on the couch for a moment, before her restlessness takes over and she begins pacing in the living room.
Why are people being like this? Do they hate her so much? They barely know him. Why are they treating and accusing him to be such a criminal! He's not. He takes care of Y/N so much. He loves her so much. He provides for her. He's affectionate with her, more than he's told he thought capable. He's become her ride or die. And she, his.
They don't know him like I do. They will never love me like he does.
They don't know about the love they have. The just see what they want to see. Bloody society dictating whom to love and whom to not. Is it so hard to see the love they have for each other? Can't they just let it be. They don't know the turmoil she's gone through recently; they don't know how well he's taken care of her, kept her happy and same enough to not let her intrusive thoughts get the best of her.
Her thoughts interrupted by the door clicking open. Smiling, Moon-Jo enters with a box, surely containing sweets from her favourite bakery. How can you not love someone so considerate, who does things for you without even having to ask.
Seeing the sad look upon his lover's face, Moon-Jo's smile fades into a frown.
" What's wrong my dear? "
Smiling sadly Y/N just shakes her head, conveying that she doesn't want to talk about it.
Placing the box of sweets on the coffee table, the two hug each other, feeling of comfort taking over them both. She can just stay here, forever, in his arms till the world ends.
" Babe. What's wrong? You can tell me anything. Anything at all. I'll take care of the problem. " Delicately Moon-Jo cradles Y/N's head in his palms, making her face up to him, their height difference evident.
Sighing, she moves to sit on the couch, motioning him to do the same. " It's just people. And what they say. My family was one thing, but my best friend, the person I chose as my family " Pausing Y/N breathers the tears back in, " They were doubtful of you today. How can I live knowing that no one will approve of us? " Y/N questioned looking at him.
" Does their opinion really matter that much? So much so that you are skeptical of my affection to you? " Coldly, he moved back from his seat on the couch.
" No! No. Gosh that is not what I mean. Not at all. I love you and I know that you love me. So much. So much so I would die for you. But there are other people whom I care about. Who's opinions matter to me. And I don't want to let them go. As happy as I am with you, I need them too. They give me joy in a different way, that is important. "
" Do I not make you happy? Are you not content with the love I give you? Is it not enough? " He asks carefully.
" That's not what I meant! You love me more than anyone I've known. "
"Then what's the problem? You don't need those people who don't love you. You have me. You will have me forever and ever. I will never leave you. And you will never leave me either. We'll be with each other till the end of the world darling. "
Nodding with a small smile you looked down at your feet.
Unhappy with your action, Moon-Jo pulls your face up by your chin to look at him with such force, it scared you a little, making your heart skip a beat in fear.
" Do you not love me, babe? " He asked tilting his head to a side, his expression mildly offended.
" I do! I love you. So much. " You finished with a soft tone, cupping his face with your hands.
Grinning like a Cheshire Cat, Moon-Jo leaned down to capture your lips with his. Reacting immediately, you kissed him with as much energy and sincerity you could muster, as you head filled with thoughts of doubt.
Had your parents been right? Had for friend been right? Had they all been right all along and you too blind to see?
No. It can't be. He loves you. He's said that so many times. And you love him.
You love him.
You.
Love.
Him.
...
Do you love him, or have you been illusioned into loving him?
#lee dong wook#lee dong wook imagine#lee dong wook x reader#ldw#strangers from hell#strangers from hell x reader#hell is other people#seo moon jo#seo moon jo x reader#seo moon jo imagine#seo moon jo x f!reader#yandere seo moon jo
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Rebuilding Family
Summary: Y/N and Spencer were college sweethearts at Cal-Tech but once Spencer got accepted to the FBI Academy, he ended things deciding it was not fair to make Y/N wait for him. When they meet again years later, he discovers something unexpected.
Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader
Warnings: mentions of gun violence, PTSS
A/N: before you have a heart attack, the angst is resolved by the end of the chapter
Masterlist
Chapter 35
“Elephant,” Spencer read from the list.
“E-L-E-P-H-A-N-T,” Jo recited.
“Correct!” Spencer picked her up and hugged her, “That’s the last word on the list your teacher gave as practice. You’re my little genius.”
“This spelling bee is going to be a P-I-E-C-E of cake,” Jo beamed.
“Speaking of cake, what kind do you want, Baby J? We have to celebrate your last day of 1st grade.”
“Chocolate!” she smiled.
“You got it,” you gave her a thumbs up, “Daddy and the babies are going to go with you to school to watch the spelling bee and I’ll be there as soon as I pick up your cake. I need a final hug and kiss from my first grader before I go though.”
“Bye, Mommy!” Jo kissed you on the cheek.
“Remember you don’t have to win. Just have fun, baby,” you reminded her.
Jo nodded.
“Bye, love,” you gave Spencer a quick kiss, “Save me a seat!”
-
“Can I get a chocolate cake that has ‘Congrats Jo!’ written on it in purple frosting?” you asked the baker.
Once the cake was decorated, you headed to the front to check out.
All of a sudden, two men with black ski masks burst through the door with guns.
One of them fired off two shots towards the ceiling to get everyone’s attention. You dropped Jo’s cake in sheer panic.
“Everyone, get to the floor now! If the cashiers cooperate, this will all go smoothly and no one gets hurt,” one of the men yelled.
You couldn’t get enough oxygen to your lungs as you dropped to the floor. The events from Jo’s seventh birthday party kept replaying in your head.
Then, you felt something warm seeping down your front. You looked down to see your white shirt quickly darkening into red.
Spencer dropped the cake on the ground, running over to you, “Y/N!”
You fell to the ground just as he caught you. You could hear the muffled sounds of screams, kids crying, and people running away.
-
“Jo, your word is environment,” the teacher announced.
Spencer looked around the crowd in the auditorium. It was already the second round and you still weren’t here. He would have texted you but unfortunately, carrying both twins inside, he managed to leave his phone in the car.
What he didn’t know was it was blowing up with messages from the team who were at the hostage situation and had seen you on the security footage.
“E-N-V-I-R-O-N-M-E-N-T,” Jo stated into the microphone.
“Correct.”
-
You were trembling on the floor with the palms of your hands covering your eyes.
The robbers must have planned their timing wrong because the cops showed up earlier than expected, turning the robbery into a hostage situation.
They didn’t have a plan though so they denied all forms of communication. You were trapped.
-
“Okay, we are entering the final round between Jo and Mason.”
“Mason, your word is neighbor.”
“N-A-B-O-R,” Mason said.
“I’m sorry, Mason. That is incorrect. Good try though. Jo, the word moves on to you. If you get this correct, you will be the winner.”
“N-E-I-G-H-B-O-R,” Jo stated confidently.
“That is correct! Congratulations to Jo!” the teacher cheered as the audience applauded.
They handed her a little trophy and Spencer ran up to her and gave her the biggest hug he could with his baby carrier on.
“Where is Mommy?” she whispered.
“I don’t know, Princess, but I’m sure she has a good excuse because she wouldn’t miss this for the world,” he whispered back.
“JJ, can I use your phone for a picture? I left mine in the car,” Spencer asked.
“Sure, hold on. I just need to power it back on, I didn't want it making any noise during the competition.”
They waited for JJ’s phone to turn on and her face noticeably shifted to concern as she shuffled through the missed calls and texts.
“Will, watch Jo and Henry please,” JJ said, pulling Spencer into the hallway nearby.
“Spence, I need you to take a seat.”
“Why?” Spencer asked, slowly sitting down with the baby carrier holding the sleeping twins.
“There is a hostage situation at the nearby grocery store and Y/N is inside. She is physically okay but she seems to be having some sort of breakdown.”
“Well assuming the unsub or unsubs have a gun, that would make sense because her last encounter with a gun, she was shot at Jo’s birthday party and almost died. She is most likely suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome. We need to get down there right now,” Spencer stood.
“Okay, leave the babies with Will and he’ll watch the kids for now. I’ll explain it to him later.”
-
Glass shattering. Yelling. Gunshots fired.
You closed your eyes tighter and pressed your hands to your ears to block out the sound.
Someone put their hands on your shoulders and you screamed loudly. The hand began to rub your back soothingly.
You opened your eyes to see Spencer crouching down in front of you. He was saying something to you but you couldn’t hear because of the deafening ringing in your ears.
You opened your mouth to speak but nothing came out. You were still paralyzed in fear even though you were now safe in your husband’s arms.
Spencer’s lips were moving again but you couldn’t make out a single word. He scooped you up and carried you outside to one of the ambulances. They placed a blanket around you and you curled up into yourself again, putting your head in your knees.
Spencer’s hand never left your back.
-
It had been a day since the incident and you still hadn’t talked. You wanted to but it seemed impossible. You had only left the bed to use the bathroom, barely touching the food Spencer brought you.
“I want to show Mommy my trophy but she isn’t leaving her room,” Jo frowned.
“Mommy went through something really scary so that is why she missed your spelling bee and why she won’t leave her room. Two bad men tried to rob the store she was in and it reminded her of when she got hurt before and had to be in the hospital for a while,” Spencer spoke softly to her.
“Oh. What can I do to help?” Jo asked.
“How about we all go in there and just lay with her? She might not be in the mood to talk but you can talk to her, Princess,” Spencer had Ollie on one hip and Ophelia on his other.
He was right behind Jo when she knocked on your bedroom door.
“Love, can we come in and sit with you for a bit?” Spencer asked, cracking the door open.
You slowly sat up and extended your arms, inviting Jo in for a hug. Jo ran into your arms.
“Hi, Mommy,” she whispered.
You kissed her head in response. Jo laid down in your lap and proceeded to tell you all about the spelling bee as you stroked her hair.
Spencer took his spot in the bed with Ophelia on his chest and Ollie in his lap. He smiled softly when you reached for Ollie, cradling him in your arms.
Jo put some Looney Tunes on to cheer you up. Spencer ordered pancakes from the local diner and you all ate in bed together. Spencer couldn’t stop smiling when you finished your entire stack of pancakes.
By late afternoon, you all had moved on to ‘Tangled’ but all the kids were napping on top of you. You grabbed Spencer’s hand and interlocked your fingers. Spencer brought it up to his lips and kissed the back of your hand.
“I love you,” you croaked.
“I love you too, my brave brave girl,” he whispered with happy tears in his eyes.
A/N: congrats, you made it through the last angst plotline in this fic!!! i hate to say it because i’m so attached but i will probably be wrapping this fic up soon (maybe 4 more chapters or so). also, send me some asks! i’m bored!!! i have been writing all day!
taglist (just ask to be added or removed!): @samuel-de-champagne-problems @g0lden-cth @spencerreid9 @averyhotchner @coldlilheart @k-k0129 @ickleronniekinsemotionalrange @harrystylesandthegoobs @cmily @jswessie187 @rem-ariiana @hoodpankow @mochionly @doctorreiding @reidsfish
#spencer reid fluff#dad!spencer#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid fanfiction#spencer reid x fem!reader#cm fanfic#spencer reid#spencer reid x you#spencer x reader#reid x reader#spencer reid fic#dr spencer reid#spencer reid angst
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fic rec masterlist
canon divergent/finale fix its
Anamnesis
THIS! FIC! this fic lives in my head rent FREE it is so good and it makes so much sense in the narrative that the shitty finale concocted, as to why they wouldn't mention cas or anyone else and its just. so good and they write chuck in the most villainous way that i love!!!
"Chuck is depowered, Jack is the new god, and the world is free. Dean and Sam get into the Impala and chase down the miles on an endless highway, and their story is finally, finally their own to follow. At least, that's what Dean tells himself. But the diners and motels and painted interstate lines are blurring together and the smallest details keep catching at his brain like tiny fishhooks and he can't quite shake the feeling that not everything is exactly as it should be. Fix-it/alternate series finale. Canon-compliant through the end of 15.19."
Sunset Sound: Stairway to Heaven by @adhdeancas
GOD FUCKING CHRIST this is so good and sweet and im such a sucker for team ups and reunions!!! its 3:30 am rn and i just finished it and i love it SO much it made me laugh a lot and the last few chapters i had the stupidest grin just plastered to my face
The Closer the Star, the Greater the Parallax by @rocksalts
repressed bastard dean submits to the mortifying ordeal of being known and receives the rewards of being loved but only after some miscommunication i LOVE this i read it last night and it’s a fast favorite. my interests have overlapped and i am INTO it
“When Dean sits down to watch some bullcrap Discovery Channel episode with Cas, he doesn’t expect to actually learn anything. Except, with Cas explaining, he makes an effort to connect the dots.”
Don't We All Deserve To Be Happy?
VERY sweet and a VERY good pick me up. all around feel good fic!!!
"Post-canon fix-it, divergent from 15x19 where Jack stays and Dean doesn't die and Cas comes back and everyone is happy. Take a shot every time I'm salty about the finale."
Keep Your Love Alive
okay. okay okay okay this may be my favorite finale fix it just because of how well reasoned it is. like this feels what should have happened i love it SO much
"Dean gets to spend eternity sharing beers with Bobby on the Roadhouse porch and riding around in his Baby with Sam. He’s at peace… or he feels like he should be. But a few things nag at him: Where is Cas, and everybody else Dean had been hoping to see in Heaven? Why does he feel like he’s stuck in a loop, reliving the same memories over and over again? And who are the strangers wearing Sam’s and Bobby’s faces?"
The GoldenRod Revisions by @aethylas
this is one of the most well written things ive ever read. the script format DID make it feel more real and honestly? this is better writing than this show deserves. the finale that could have been ♥️
“A rewrite of Supernatural’s final two episodes, expanded into a five episode arc - in which Chuck needs to be defeated, Castiel deserves to be saved, and the characters in this story get a very different ending.“
Ascend by @wanderingcas
THEE finale fix it fic!!! written by the AMAZINGLY skilled and talented @wanderingcas !!! it’s 50k of angst and hurt/comfort and pure bliss
“Something in the world is wrong.
Demon activity is rising where mysterious black substance oozes and unusual ecological events are shaking the world. Dean, grief hanging on his shoulders, restlessly searches for answers that might lead him to the Empty… and to Cas.
But what Chuck wrote can’t be undone. The narrative thread pulls Dean along, forcing him to comply. Because once a story already has an ending, it can’t be rewritten.
Or can it?”
Things Happen (They Do, And They Do, And They Do) by THEE @sobsicles
i KNOW everyone has already recommended this and likely you’ve all already read it. but it has to go here bc REPRESSIOOOOOOOOON i LOVE this so much it is one of the most perfect things i’ve read. are you bisexual? did you have a kind of weird relationship with your best friend and not realize that how you felt about them wasn’t necessarily how other people felt about them and you were maybe a little bit in love with them but were too repressed to realize it? you’ll feel seen. maybe a little too seen
Closer (isn't close enough)
are you a sweet and sappy yet horny bastard? do you like cas exploding light bulbs? you will like this.
“the one where they finally talk about what cas said before the empty took him”
You and Your Husband
it is exTRMELY sweet!!! repression dean strikes again <3
"Five times Dean corrects someone about his relationship with Cas, and one time he realizes he doesn't need to."
Tall Grass
miscommunication and a slowburn! despite being written in 2017 and finished in 2018, it feels like a fix it. ft. plant obsessed cas <3
Invictus
a LOVELY and short (relatively) finale fix it
“They saved the world. They're free. It's done.
Except it's not, and carrying on is the last thing any of them are thinking about.
They still have someone they need to save.”
Unchained Link
post finale- it’s a great case fic and i am compelled i want more!!!
"It's after the end of things. Life continues on while Dean is "livin it up" in heaven. But it's never that simple, is it? A freak occurrence sends Dean into another time stranded back on Earth. And he thought his hunting days were over. But, no worries. His knight in shining armor comes to the rescue. Hijinks, therefore, ensue."
fun and time unspecified
Ladies and Gentlemen, This is Love Potion No. 5
very funny and sweet! miscommunication at its finest ♥️
"Cas gets drenched with a mystery potion from the ‘love spell’ shelf and... Dean has a sneaking suspicion, angel or no— the spell may have taken effect. And Cas might be in love with Sam."
The Way We Were
Y'all. It is so good its a great mix of funny and serious- extremely fun to see dean as like a base bisexual
"Dean and Castiel pose as a couple to gain access to a gated community known as 'The Glen', a pleasant if secretive location that the boys believe might be linked to several dead bodies showing up over the years bearing signs of ritualistic sacrifice. All seems well until Dean's memory is affected from an incident during a solo exploration, leaving Dean convinced that their cover story is true. Castiel is left trying to resolve their case without taking advantage of an increasingly enthusiastic Dean"
While You Were Sleeping
this is basically just the movie but replacing sandra bullock with cas. this is my comfort movie and imo, one of the most perfect rom coms. the fic isn’t finished but i still have the tab open on my phone and i will straight up go back and re read it when i need a pick me up.
aus/rewrites
The Harvelle Gospels: Offscript
i know everyone ever ( @jewishcharliebradbury ) has recommended this fic. and for good reason go fucking read it
“The Apocalypse is averted, the angels are in Heaven, and Jo is free from the threat of possession. Somehow it couldn't be farther from a happy ending.“
absolute riots
An Ineffably Profound Bond
i honestly would have put this in the finale fix it section! look. i know. i know you've been burned by crossover fics before. but this is Thee good omens/spn fic you want. its funny as hell and immensely satisfying. im weak for everyone working together tropes and that is this
"After Chuck sets 'The End' in motion, the remaining members of TFW make a miraculous escape. Not willing to waste any time, Castiel comes up with a plan to travel to one of the other worlds to try and get help from the angels there, but after a fight with Dean, it's the hunter who gets sent into an alternate universe,with seemingly no hope of return.
When a mysterious human with a heavenly weapon shows up in Aziraphale's shop, he and Crowley learn that their world is not the only one. Now it is up to them to decide whether or not they want to join forces with the human and help him save his world or simply find a way to send him home."
Somebody Up There Likes Me by @lafilleredige
cas is hit with a spell that turns his vessel into a woman, hijinks and sexuality crises ensue etc etc sam is a supportive and bitchy little brother and its all SO fucking funny and also. horny as hell i love it i love it i LOVE it
“’Dean doesn’t want to talk about your breasts, it’s making him uncomfortable because he hasn’t acknowledged the complex fluidity of human sexuality.’“
Stray Cat Strut
a long crack fic that IS one of the funniest things i’ve ever read and i can’t explain why. it’s so ooc but its so funny that i don’t care. if you need a laugh you gotta read this
"Sam and Cas are immediately in love with the adorable kitty they find outside the bunker door, and occupy their time planning how to convince Dean--who they believe is off sulking after a botched hunt--to let them keep their cat. Along the way, Dean learns to use a litter box and hears some confessions he maybe wasn’t supposed to hear, all while realizing just how much he loves Castiel.
Now all Dean has to do is convince Cas and Sam their new pet cat is actually him before they do something crazy--like neuter him!"
canon compliant or slight canon divergence
Give
by @doublestuffedimpala post season 7 episode 7, kind of ambiguous ending but truly a cas is happy to bleed for the winchesters fic
Punch Like Bones
short, post 5x04 homoerotic moment that i wish we’d gotten
#lmao please interact with this i spent so much time on it#i had to go onto desktop for this#ill keep adding on to it#my fic recs#fic rec#spn fic rec#deancas fic recs#charlie.txt
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Blue Christmas- Eight
Pairing: Chris Evans/OC Kelly
Summary: After almost three years of marriage, everyone would tell you that Chris and his wife Kelly are the most stable, solid couple they know. But behind closed doors, things are tense as they keep trying for a baby, to no avail. When a secret threatens to shake their solid marriage to it’s core, will they be able to pick up the pieces?
I do not consent to have my content, whether it be this story or anything else of my creation, posted by a third party on any other platform other than right here without my permission. This blog is 18+ and is not intended for minors. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Heed the warnings.
Warnings: mentions of cheating, smut, language, angst, mentions of miscarriage. If any of this is triggering to you, do not read.
A/N: This is going to be very dialogue heavy, and will have flashbacks of the night that Chris cheated and everything that happened. Flashbacks will be in italics. Just a warning, this chapter is a BEAST. There’s a lot to unpack, and it’s going to be super emotional.
December 29
Chris watches from his seat in the comfortable leather recliner in our living room as I twist my wedding and engagement rings around on my finger. It’s a nervous little habit that I do without even really realizing it or thinking about it. A million thoughts cross his mind as he sits silently, waiting for me to say something.
After taking a few deep breaths to try and steel myself for the conversation that I KNOW that Chris and I need to have, I finally look up from the floor and at him.
“Do you want a divorce?” Okay, the thousand different times I pictured this conversation happening in my head, that was definitely NOT one of the ways. Apparently my mouth and brain aren’t communicating very well today.
Chris looks up at me, his expression aghast.
“Wha-.......” he tries to speak, but is too stunned to even form the words.
“Is that why you cheated? You don’t want to be with me anymore, so you went somewhere else for whatever is it that you weren’t getting from me?”
“No! Jesus Christ, no! I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. I can’t imagine my life without you. No, I don’t want a divorce.” he tells me.
“Okay, if that’s not it, then you have to help me out here. Because I don’t understand what possible reason you could have for cheating. It had to be something that I did. Or something I didn’t do. I need you to tell me what happened. Because until I have all the facts and I understand what the hell happened, we can’t move forward.”
He sits forward in the chair and sighs.
“What do you want me to tell you?”
“I want you to tell me what happened that night after we FaceTimed. I want to know what happened between then and the next morning.” I tell him.
“You KNOW what happened.” he says miserably.
I shake my head. “No, I know the end result. I want you to walk me through every single thing that happened that night. Everything you were thinking, everything you did.”
“Why? What good is that going to do? What’s the goddamn point? How is me telling you everything that happened going to help ANYTHING? All it’s going to do is hurt you more, and I can’t do that. I won’t.”
“The point is, if we have even the smallest hope of getting through this intact, with our MARRIAGE intact, I need to understand this. I need to know. I need to know, because when I go to sleep at night, all I can see in my head is all the things that I imagine happened that night. And I need to know if what actually happened is better or worse than what I can imagine happened. I have a right, as your wife, to know what you did.”
Chris looks up, silently pleading with you to not make him do this, but he knows that you’re right. You do deserve to know, even if it’s going to devastate you.
“After we got off the phone, I had to go right back into interviews and there was two more photo calls we had to do, so by the time we got done it was about 7:30 that night. I was distracted the whole time. I hated that we fought, and I felt like an asshole, and I just wanted to call you back and apologize, but I didn’t have time. Plus, I figured that we both probably needed a little bit of time to cool down. I told myself that I was going to call you that night before I went to bed so we could talk more and I could apologize to you. We all got out of there, and Cate and Robert and the rest of them wanted to go to dinner, so we came back to the hotel, changed, and then went out to eat.” Chris tells me.
“What time did you get back from dinner?”
“Around 10, I think. It couldn’t have been much later than that. Everyone else was talking about going out and finding a bar or a club to go to, but I just wanted to come back to the hotel and relax. I wasn’t in the mood to be around a lot of people.”
I pull my feet up on the couch and tuck them under me.
“Okay, so you got back to the hotel, and then what did you do?”
For as tired as he was, Chris couldn’t relax. He tried taking a hot shower, laying in bed watching TV, browsing social media, and flipping through pictures on his phone. Finally, after about 45 minutes and getting more and more keyed up and anxious, he decides to go down to the hotel bar.
When he walks in, the place is empty except for an older couple seated down at the end and the bartender. Chris slides himself onto one of the stools and the bartender makes her way over to him.
“Thank God. A friendly face.” she says with a smile.
Chris glances down the bar at the couple. “They seem pretty friendly.” he remarks.
“Yeah, but they’ve been here for an hour and they’re literally babying their drinks, and aren’t much for conversation that doesn’t involve each other. I’m bored out of my mind.”
She stick her hand out. “I’m Jo.”
Chris reaches across the bar and shakes her hand with his own. “Chris. Nice to meet you.”
“So, Chris, what’s your poison?”
“What was her name?” I ask him. He just referred to her as “the bartender” and “she”.
He runs his hand down his face and over his beard.
“I don’t......I honestly can’t remember. It was one of those boys names for a girl. You know.....Alex or Max or James.......I don’t......I can’t remember.”
I cover my face with my hands and take a deep breath. I want to scream already, and he’s not even deep into the story. I shake my head slightly.
“You slept with this girl, and you don’t even remember her NAME.” I say softly.
Chris hangs his head.
“Keep going.”
She pours him another measure of whiskey, along with a shot for herself. They clink glasses and swallow the amber liquid, letting it burn it’s way down.
“So what did you and your wife fight about?” she asks him.
Chris sighs.
“It’s......it’s complicated.”
“Hey, I’m a bartender, which means that I’m a really great listener. It’s practically a job requirement. You might feel better if you talk about it.”
“We’re trying to have a baby.”
“Soo....what’s the problem. Trying is the fun part!”
“We’ve been trying for a year and a half almost, and nothing’s happening. She’s perfect; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her that would keep her from getting pregnant, but it’s just not happening. And we both want a baby so bad, and the look on her face when......it fucking kills me.”
He knows that he shouldn’t be telling a complete stranger all of this, especially considering who he is, but the alcohol has loosened his tongue, and if he doesn’t spill his guts to someone, he’s going to explode.
Jo puts a soft, warm hand over his.
“I’m sorry, That has to be tough. For both of you.” she says softly.
“I mean, I guess I never thought that it would take actual work, you know? I assumed that ‘hey, if we just keep having sex, eventually she’s going to get pregnant’ and it would be easy. She’s getting scared and fed up and talking about adoption and fertility doctors, and I hate seeing her so stressed out and upset, and I kind of just.....I said some things and made it worse and I feel like a complete fucking jackass.”
“What if you guys can’t have kids?”
“As much as I want to have kids with her, I don’t need them to be happy. As long as I have Kelly in my life, I’ll be perfectly happy. Do I want to be a dad? Yeah, absolutely. But there are so many kids out there that need good homes, so there are other options, but I don’t think that we’re there yet, you know?”
I get up and storm out of the room with Chris right on my heels.
“Kelly, wait, please.....”
He touches my arm and I spin around to face him, and the look in my eyes makes him fall back a step.
I’m so pissed off and hurt right now I could spit nails.
“You......you told her.....EVERYTHING. You told her.....EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING, Chris! Do you even......do you even fucking understand what you did? Like.....”
I squat down close to the floor and put my head between my knees. My heart is pounding and I’m so worked up that I’m afraid I’m going to pass out if I don’t calm down. And I’m not going anywhere or doing anything until I get the whole damn story.
“Look, I know-”
I look up at him incredulously.
“No! No, you don’t know! You don’t know shit! You fucking betrayed me, in every single sense of the word. You didn’t just fuck her, you told her, a complete stranger, about me. About us trying to have a baby. You told her about things that you never even fucking bothered to tell me! Do you realize that she could go to the press? She could go and spill all of these juicy little secrets that you spilled to her over shots of Jack and have herself a nice little pay day.”
“Kelly, you wanted to know what happened that night, so I’m telling you what happened, despite everything inside of me screaming at me not to. I’m not going to lie to you or keep things from you. You wanted to know everything.” Chris says.
I squeeze my eyes shut and grit my teeth so hard that my jaw hurts.
“I can’t look at you right now. I need a break.” I tell him, grabbing my jacket. I grab Dodger’s leash off the peg in the hallway and call for him.
Dodger trots over, tongue lolling out of his mouth, happy to be going on a walk.
“I’ll be back in a while.”
Forty five minutes later, I’m in the utility room stripping off my wet clothes after getting Dodger dry and wiping off his paws.
Chris stops pacing the kitchen when he sees me walking through the house in my bra and underwear.
“What happened to your clothes?” he asks.
“Dodger saw a squirrel and got excited and kind of dragged me through a snow bank.” I sigh. I throw my clothes in the dryer and make my way into our room to get changed.
“Dodge, come on.....” Chris admonishes. Dodger just jumps up on the bed and curls up.
I throw on a pair of gray sweatpants and a blue Patriots hoodie that’s hung over the back of the chair in our room and sit down on the side of the bed.
“I want to know the rest.” I tell Chris.
He sits down heavily on the end of the bed.
“No, you don’t.”
I swallow thickly. “You’re right. I don’t. But it doesn’t matter, because you’re going to tell me anyway.”
Hours pass with Jo and Chris laughing and talking and flirting back and forth, until it’s 1am and the bar closes for the night.
“Thanks for sticking around and hanging out tonight. I think I would have died of sheer boredom if you hadn’t.” Jo laughs softly. She offered to walk him back to his room as he was pretty well drunk and a little unsteady on his feet.
“It was no problem. I didn’t really want to be alone tonight to be honest. I used to do really well on my own. I was used to it, and then......I wasn’t alone.” Chris tells her.
Once they reach his room, they linger outside for a few minutes, both of them not really wanting the night to end. Jo steps closer to him, knowing exactly what she wants and completely unashamed about it.
“You should kiss me.” she says softly, looking up at him with big doe eyes. She places her hands on his chest and instead of immediately backing away like he should have, he leans into her touch.
Chris closes his eyes as he feels his mouth go dry and a strange fluttery feeling in his stomach. He hasn’t really felt this way since....
He opens his eyes and breathes out deeply. “I can’t. I’m married. I’m married and I’m insanely in love with my wife.”
“So? You should kiss me anyway. I can tell you want to. You’ve been flirting with me all night.” she says, taking a step closer. “I won’t tell anyone. I promise. You need a way to release all this tension you’ve got, and I’m more than willing to help you out anyway I can.”
Before his brain can scream at him to stop, he’s wrapping his arms around her and covering her mouth with his, kissing her soundly. It’s a battle of teeth and tongues, both of them trying to take control from the other. Without breaking apart, Chris manages to get his key card out of his pocket and gets the door open, pushing both of them through it and slamming it behind them.
“This never goes beyond this room. We never talk about this ever again.” Chris gasps, pulling away from her just long enough to get the words out.
“Absolutely.” she agrees.
Clothes are torn off and tossed to the floor in a frenzy, and as soon as Chris drops his pants and boxers, Jo sinks to her knees and takes him in her mouth, swallowing him almost all the way down.
“Oh, fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Christ, yes, just like that.” he moans out.
He brings his right hand to her hair, holding it in a makeshift ponytail while his left hand goes to her shoulder.
She almost makes him lose his mind with the things she can do with her tongue, and within minutes, he’s fucking her face roughly as spit runs down her chin and tears are springing to her eyes from the assault on her throat, but she loves it. She has the man she’s fantasized about for years shoving his cock down her throat, and she’s never been more turned on in her life. She smirks to herself as she wonders if his wife ever sucks him off like THIS.
When he can’t stand it anymore, Chris pulls her off his dick and takes a few deep breaths.
“I need a condom.”
“Right. I have one in my purse.” she tells him as she reaches for her bag and finds it and hands it to him.
“Get on the bed. On your hands and knees.” he says roughly. While her mouth was wrapped around him, he was mesmerized and couldn’t look away, but now he finds that he doesn’t even want to look at her face. He rolls the condom over his cock, giving it a few strokes before sinking into her from behind.
Tears stream down my face as I process all of what Chris just told me, and I can’t even BREATHE with how devastated I feel. It’s like a hole just got punched through my chest. I try and take a breath in, but it turns into a strangled sob and I drop my head into my hands and just let it out.
Chris swallows thickly, wiping away his own tears as he watches me fall apart across from him, wishing that he could do something.....ANYTHING to take all the pain away. To go back and undo everything that he did so you wouldn’t hurt. All he feels is deep, unrelenting shame and he knows in his gut that if you asked for a divorce after hearing all of his sins laid bare, he wouldn’t be surprised or even have the right to be devastated. He made his bed.
I feel bile rising in my throat, and I stumble to my feet and race to the downstairs bathroom, falling to my knees and vomiting painfully as the image of my husband kissing this woman and fucking her run through my head. I barely notice Chris come into the bathroom until I feel him pulling my hair back and securing it with a hair tie, and rubbing my back softly. I can’t even find the breath or the energy to tell him to get away from me and drop dead.
I’m so damn tired. Like, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this level of physical and mental exhaustion before. I sink back into the pillows a little more, and look over at Chris. Neither one of us have said a word since he picked me up off the bathroom floor and stood there with his arm around my waist as I brushed my teeth. That was 45 minutes ago.
“It was just sex?” I ask.
He exhales. “It was just sex. It was just once.”
I look back up at the ceiling and try and make sense of everything.
“I don’t understand. I don’t understand any of it. I don’t understand why you would sleep with another woman.”
“I-I don’t know. I was lonely because we were fighting, and I missed you so goddamn much, and I was afraid of what was happening to us with all of the stress and I just......I got drunk, and I did a horrible thing. I did a horrible thing, and I wish that I could take it back. I wish I could take it back so bad it hurts. But I can’t. And I have to live with that for the rest of my life.” Chris says.
I lift my eyes to meet his. “You were lonely? That’s your excuse? You were lonely, and you were upset. So you stuck your dick in another woman.”
I stand at the kitchen sink and drain a glass of water in record time, and refill it. Turns out crying all day and then puking can kind of dehydrate you. I can sense Chris behind me, even though he doesn’t say anything.
“Two years ago, a couple of weeks after you left for Africa to start shooting the movie, I found out I was pregnant. We hadn’t even officially started trying yet, so it came as a pretty big surprise. But I was so happy, and I couldn’t wait to tell you. I didn’t want to tell you over the phone, especially when you were so far away, so I was going to surprise you when you came home. I had it all planned out. I practiced telling you standing in front of the bathroom mirror, just so I could see the stupid happy look on my face.”
I feel tears prick my eyes, and I swallow down the sob that I feel threatening to come out. I turn towards Chris, and the look on his face is heartbreaking.
“What?” he breathes out.
“I was at a job.....I was shooting a birthday party for a little girl who was turning one. All I could think about was that that was going to be us eventually, and it made me so happy. Everything was fine, but then I started having horrible pain in my stomach. It got so bad that I collapsed, and the parents called 911 when they realized that I was bleeding. They did an ultrasound at the hospital, but they couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat. I had already miscarried. You don’t know anything about feeling lonely until you’re by yourself laying on a table with your feet in stirrups while a doctor cleans out your uterus.”
Chris is sunk down in one of the kitchen chairs with his hand over his mouth and tears running down his face. This is the first time he’s hearing any of this.
“Why didn’t-” his voice cracks, and he takes a minute and clears his throat before he tries again. “Why the hell didn’t you call me? Why didn’t you tell me? I would have come home!”
“Chris, you were 8,000 miles away from home. There wasn’t anything you could do. It was too late. They had to do the procedure as soon as possible. I didn’t.....I hadn’t told anyone else that I was pregnant. And I didn’t want to call your mom or sisters because I didn’t want them to find out. I knew if they found out they would call you, and you would be devastated. And I couldn’t do that to you when you were so far away. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you. I was trying to protect you.”
The sound of his fist slamming against the heavy oak table makes me jump.
“And what about over the last two years? Huh? Don’t you think that I had a right to know? Don’t you think I had the right as your husband, to be there with you? To comfort you? To mourn with you? To even have a fucking clue about what happened?”
I take a deep breath.
“You did. You should have been there. You should have been there with me to hold my hand and cry with me and tell me that it was going to be okay, even though it was a lie. But you weren’t. You were doing your job. I don’t know if you realize it, but when you leave for work or press or whatever it is that you have to leave me for, you’re not the only one who’s lonely. You’re not the only one who has to deal with the silence. But you don’t see me going out and fucking someone else.”
Tears start to swim in my eyes again, and I suddenly feel like if I don’t get out of the house right now, I’m going to suffocate. I’ve been in here with Chris literally all day while we picked apart his affair, and I’m exhausted. I’m hurt and emotional and talking about the baby that we lost just made everything worse.
“I’m gonna go. I just.....I can’t handle anything else today. I know you’re probably really pissed off at me right now, and honestly, the feeling is mutual. Things are already about as bad as they can be, so I’m gonna leave before we have a chance to make it worse.”
The last thing I see before I walk out the door is Chris sitting at the table with his head in his hands, sobbing while Dodger sits on the floor next to him, whining in distress.
The Usual Suspects: @averyrogers83 @wordywarriorwrites @imanuglywombat @joannaliceevans-fanficblog @hlkwrites @reminiscingrogers @mom—nicole @jtargaryen18 @alexakeyloveloki @kelbabyblue @sarahp879 @moonlessnight14 @mojean13 @mrskokitztelford @artisticrogers1972 @southerngracela @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan @mybesttobobcratchit @gracethegeek9902 @mdemontespan1667 @marvelfansworld @capslut2014 @dispatchvampire @jamielea81 @jamesbarnesappreciationsociety @nerdy-bookworm-1998 @southerngracela @what-is-your-plan-today @letsdisneythings @theladybiers @lexeeehhh @sweater-daddiesdumbdork @autumnrose40 @donutloverxo @harrysthiccthighss @jessaywahh-blog@smediumsmeatbae @before-we-get-started @lizette50 @littlegasps @rageshots @what-is-your-backupplan-today @clairebubbles @patzammit @sweet--catrastophe @pandaxnienke @redhairedfeistynerd @hails270105 @syms-things-5 @chezdricks @denisemarieangelina @christ0pher-evans @supersquirrel1996 @thumbeliina
#blue christmas#chris evans#chris evans x wife#chris evans x kelly evans#rpf#cheating#angst#miscarriage#infertility#back to that night
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Hi Nico!! Just wanted to ask who your best friends on this site are 🥺 through your posts I get the feeling that you’re a really lovely and caring person who unfortunately believes that their friends are temporary/don’t really care about them but I’m sure that’s not true! So that’s why I wanted to ask who your best friends are 🥺❤️
hi friend !!! sorry i'm so late answering this, but it's such a lovely question so thank you so much, especially for the kind words <3
under the cut actually cause it’s long
okay so i could never answer this without mentioning the @giftedgays they are such lovely funny kind people and friends and i love them all so much!!! they welcomed me in their little server/friend group early in the year and it's really made my year so much better!! each and every one of them that i have talked to but especially:
rahul @petekaos we all know by now that i love rahul, he's my best friend and i can never find the right words to explain how dear he is to me !! so i won't try now but i just want you all to know one thing i find endearing about rahul: sometimes when he jokes around he gets like "Fake Serious" and will just say things without emojis or exclamation points or anything like that and i find it so funny like i swear it makes everything 200% funnier. rahul funniest person on earth? maybe!! love you <3
dawn @pangwave i feel like dawn is my younger sibling and i really love them so much and i feel so protective of them, dawn please know i would k*ll for you, just ask, i will fly to where you are and do it. (for legal reasons this is a joke.) you are so funny and kind and you are a precious important person and i'm always so proud of you <33
angel @nanonkorapat my other younger sibling!!! they are so lovely and kind and talented and such a beautiful person and i wish them the best always!! i love how you are so passionate about the things you like and also i wish you would give yourself a break more often because you are doing your best and that's always enough <3
roa @pran-pat what can i say roa is so funny ... listen the gifted gays are so funny, maybe it's cause gays have a superior sense of humor you know? anyway roa is lovely and i love her gifs and despite what i said yesterday, i love when she backreads chats that have like 400+ messages and the convo is still ongoing so it's literally just the rest of us screaming and roa just. reacting to stuff we said an hour ago skdkskn never change roa <3
vee @sapphicsharks first let me say your url is great (there, are you happy now vee? skdsmb) anyway vee is another contender for funniest person on earth. also, love her self roasting (that ends up in starboard). you're so nice and cool and i hope you get to run away soon <3 (@ your family this is a joke :) dw) (is it tho) ily gaymer
alexa @honeyaoki another sibling woooohooo can't believe i gained so many siblings through the server, love that for me. alexa is so chaotic seriously ask anyone in the gc and they'll tell you this. whenever they appear the gifted gays descend into chaos. amazing talent 10/10. beside that, alexa writes so well!!! they're funny and kind and always have love for everyone! i hope we get to talk more in the future <3 ily
jo @soulmatelines is so amazing and nice and she always has great recs!!!!! you're the backbone of the server for real and i'm so happy to know you and i hope you always have warm food on your table, people who love you and someone to hug you when you need or want it <33
sam @kaonoppakao king of gifmaking, we all know this, but do we all know he's funny and lovely and the king of gaymers? he deserves the best!! the best should include bop bot, btw. it's non negotiable. love you sam <3
cass @patandpran aaaahh cass is so amazing!! she's sweet and loving and i'm so happy for any of her achievements in life <3 your analysis are always amazing and they really show how smart you are. i hope you're well, love you!!
@tawanv @wjmild @another-country @ohmnanons love y'all too <3333
other friends who aren't in the gifted gays !!!
edo @amasawaseiji is so great and one of my best friends, i hope he knows how much i love him and that i'm always here for him <3 edo i wish you all the best always and i hope we can see each other again soon because i feel so comfortable around you and i miss you :( love you so much
may @burninglilys they're just amazing what can i say!!! i always always appreciate our talks, whether they're about shows we're both watching or about serious things or just sending each other videos of cats/nature. you deserve to see and pet so many cats, all the kitties, and i want you to know you are so dear to me!! love you <333
and now this should be more for my sideblog, but! whatever, the question is on this blog and i can't talk about my friends without mentioning them so: here's to the football server, y'all are amazing and i'm not gonna tag everyone because honestly that'd take so long (and i'm not sure who follows me here) and i'm getting tired sdsdskcn but special mentions to:
the milan squad!
daria @samlammers they are amazing and i wish she gave herself more credit :( <3 bestie you are sweet and kind and funny and always ready to be there for others, and all i can hope for is that people can give you the same love you give them! because you really do deserve it. i love how we share so many passions and i love you!!!
@hendos is great and the #1 source for random serie a fun facts. seriously every time they're like "oh actually i have a fun fact about this!" i get so excited. it's always guaranteed to be very nice. you're one of the og milan fans on tumblr i feel and we didn't really talk before the server, but i've always thought you were cool so i'm glad we get to talk now! ily <3
mattia @streetcircuits aka the best! i'm serious mattia is great they are so nice and funny and kind!! i think you're amazing and i am sending you hugs any time you need them <3 you're always such a source of light for the server and you are my mestie (mattia bestie but also marc bestie !!) love youu
okay there are probably more people, surely more football/f1 friends, but i seriously am tired and writing more messages for everyone would be too much skdksm i don't wanna write half assed things. anyway thank you so much again for asking this, it really made me realize how many lovely people i have around me and i do hope you're right and they'll stay around for a long time :') love you anon!!
#have a nice day/night :)#nico answers#i am not rereading this so if there's typos or i said dumb shit i am sorry#i will reread it later#love to everyone <333#reminder
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supernatural sees women as a tool for development and strengthening of narratives/motivation and dean sees his body as a tool. is that anything?
When I saw this ask I really made the 🥴in real life. So, yeah anon, I do think there’s something to this.
Quick Disclaimer before I actually launch into my thoughts™: A lot of my read of Dean stems from my experience as both an oldest daughter and a transman. Being the oldest daughter was an experience I lived for many years, but I am also a man. I wasn’t raised as a man, I wasn’t socialized as a man, and even though once I came out upon reflection my masculinity was obviously there. Like I was a man™ before I knew I was a man. Even when I actively tied my identity to femininity for a long time! A lot of my prideful moments were based around statements like: “I was the only girl who (fill in the blank).”
So I am just putting that out there before I launch into my spiel about Dean/Gender/Tool because they all interlock for me.
I am also going to apologize in advance because I know this has fully gone off the rails and I’m not even done writing it yet. If this is incomprehensible ! Well, happens to the best of us.
First off, most importantly I guess before we discuss womanhood and Dean and the way both are utilized on the show I need to say that I personally don’t subscribe the whole Dean is female coded thing.
It’s a read I can absolutely understand. But for me..he’s not.
He’s a hypermasculine man to the point that when (and because he is written as a punchline, as the stupid™ brother, as the whore™, as the mother/father™, as daddy’s blunt instrument™, etc) Dean deviates from the pre-accepted definition of hypermasculine it’s Wrong.
It’s Instantly Feminine.
I think the internet has made the world very black and white, or blue and pink maybe. This point, I think, colors a lot of these discussions. Dean cooks, he cleans and so therefor he’s female coded. When that really just feeds back into the whole toxic masculinity loop. You can’t be masculine and cook and clean and cry. That’s for feminine people only.
I get the argument! I do, I just think that Dean’s actions are not inherently feminine, it’s just in the vacuum of Female and in the Absence of Traditional Masculinity it makes sense to assign him female coded and move on.
IN FACT the way that Dean is the action hero of the show, the Masculine™ one on the show - but he cries, and he rages, and he cooks (Again and Again) and cleans (Again and Again). The fact he’s macho and confident but he has so little self esteem. Is frankly insane to me. You have this blaze of glory character who is so depressed that they have him kill himself. Twice. In explicitly “I hate myself, I hate hearing all the things I hate about myself, I want to destroy myself” ways.
On just a regular ol’ network show that is just ungodly bad at times. They let their Male Hero cry - all the time (if I linked every example of this the essay would be...longer than it already is, but just take my word for it). Dean tears up and grieves and shows more than just Angry Horny Violent™ (he shows plenty of that, don’t get me wrong) but he’s Emotional (Again and Again and Again). In many different ways!
I mean, beyond even just tearing up, they make their Male Hero™ face sexual violence in pretty, uniquely horrifying - and queer! - ways.
Let’s make it clear, they did a lot of this unintentionally.
Or they do it as a joke.
Off of dean for a moment to say women are plot devices in this show. I could probably count on one hand female characters who have sincere depth to them that have roles outside of progressing plot, filling a filler episode, and who are still alive. Like even characters such as Charlie who are wholly developed, and interesting, are only remembered/mentioned/utilized to progress plots or fill an episode out - and then she dies. For pain™ for plot™ for no other reason than to traumatize a character.
Which let’s also make it clear Dean’s trauma is also only used as a plot device (as is Sam’s but in a different way, and Cas’ trauma is a whole other barrel of fish we’re not gonna dive into right now). Like wholesale full stop they don’t actually care about what happened to him. Unless it’s relevant in an episode.
Oh that boys home he was left at when he was 16 for months? Sure we’ll sprinkle that in in the back half of the series. Oh he was covered in bruises and said it was from a hunt (when it’s clear contextually they were from his father but saying the fantastical but true is easier than saying the uncomfortable but true). As Dean says though the story became the story, he was sixteen. He just went along with what John said.
We only see Dean ever truly rage at John, by the way, when either Dean is dead (when he’s between life and death and he rages at John, right before John “apologizes” for traumatizing him, for putting too much on Dean’s shoulders, and fucking dying) or John is dead (the Djinn episode where Dean is straight™ and John is dead™ and he goes to his grave and just yells and rages like he should have to his father in the real world).
Dean’s trauma from being both tortured and torturer in hell? Yeah, we don’t talk about that after it’s Relevant™. Even though it’s clear - especially in the demon!dean, mark of cain era, all those years later - Alastair still has his hooks inside of Dean. I stopped watching originally after s8 ended. I was fed up with the show, and with this whole renaissance I’ve been doing a rewatch and I’m into season twelve now and it really has never come up again.
Even when he had the mark of cain and he was tasked with questioning and accused of torturing it was “the mark has changed you” and not “you were victim and victimizer in hell for forty years, which is longer than you’ve been alive on earth” (and, was about as long as he wound up living. Which is desperately sad.
Because we talk about Sam’s desire for a “normal” life but, Dean wanted out too. He was tired in the first few seasons of this show, he never had a chance to taste freedom (we don’t count the boys home, because that was a different kind of regimented life, and it was a false freedom) the way that Sam did in Flagstaff with Bones or at Stanford with Jessica. Love for Dean is sacrificing, it’s putting himself/his happiness/his well-being last.
Because Dean only knows love in the context of violence (like all of these fun examples, for starters) is a phrase that I’ve said a lot both in private chats and on here, and I absolutely think it goes to him being a tool (a blunt instrument, a plot device, so both textually and metatextually) instead of a person. Which Cas sees Dean’s shame/guilt and sees that side of Dean because he touched his soul, and saw more than just the Righteous™ man, more than just the tool, he saw A good man, not a machine.
On the other side though you have how “bad guys” view Dean: Desperate, Sloppy, Needy, Dean’s hole (Again), which is again so wildly counterintuitive to the story of a Macho Man Hero™. You’re using vocabulary that is both queering him and feminizing (and I know this a meme format, but sincerely it is done in a derogatory way it is feminizing. It’s breaking him down to bare parts, to a sloppy hole).
My whole rewatch I have been absolutely fascinated by how identity and free will is utilized/conceptualized on this show. Castiel has been my main focus, but Dean and how he is framed by himself and others is...fascinating - and frustrating. The writers inconsistency lends itself not only to this unintentionally queer character, but also one that again is incredibly easily read as a non-traditionally masculine character.
As a feminine character.
This show has so few female characters that of course it had to foist the roles/behaviors/plots that a female character might have onto a male character. Which I think is part of why reading Dean as trans (either transmasc, or transfemme) is so easily done like.
Half of these are shit posts, but you can find trans allegories/textual evidence in this show again, again, again, again, and again. And this is unintentional, they don’t want you to look at Dean and see woman, former future or present. Like a lot of these I’m sure are punchlines for them, because women/queer folk are punchlines to them.
Sometimes the only women in an episode are random witnesses who get two sentences of dialogue, and then the main guest character is a man. Who flirts with Dean, and Dean is receptive to it.
They paint themselves into a corner, there are female Rabbi. So easily could Aaron have been a woman instead of a man, but they made the choice to play up the HaHa Dean & Men card.
Because, again, Dean has filled the slot of Woman™ of Female Lead™ and the flirting would’ve been straight if Dean was a woman. It’s a plot device, they needed to have the guest character be disarming, be cute, make the main character flustered.
It’s just the main character is a man, because they’re allergic to women. But they still need those female plots, tools of femininity, to move their show forward. I mean I am a big subscriber to transmasc Jo (no idea if anyone else is with me on this one, but let me explain). Jo is in love with Dean (concept) not Dean (actuality). Which, we’ve all had our eggs cracked by someone like that. We were in love with them until we realized we just wanted to be them.
He loved her like a little sister, she loved him like a lost idol. He’s a golden calf and she dies for him, because she believed in him, she was the original character dashed at the altar of the Winchesters.
I fully believe if she had lived and if this show had a crumb of actual good writing Jo could have been a deeply compelling transmasc character. But I also think she’s a fascinating inversion of Dean. Dean is a Masculine Character who subverts Toxic Masculinity, Jo is a Tomboy™ she’s not your (if you take it straight, literally and metaphorically) average female love interest. She’s angry, she’s not soft at all, all edges and corners and thorns. She isn’t helpless, she’s stubborn but not in a “you’re going to get punished for this” way. She’s right when she’s stubborn. She’s helpful, she’s a martyr.
I could do a whole other essay just on Jo (and Ellen, and Ash, what a fucking trio!) but needless to say Jo was one of the first...plot device feminine tools sacrificed to this show. She was a regular, she was unique, she was an engaging character, and she still died (to progress the plot? no. for man pain? yeah, for like three episodes maybe, and then it’s forgotten just like the rest of Dean’s trauma, as we mentioned above).
Dean and Women and Love is a very interesting tool used too because. Boy they sure try to make Dean love women and it fails in small ways, and in big, meaningless, failed het domesticity (again) ways. Not to mention whatever Lust (in the form of a woman) having no effect upon him, when they could have used that moment to assert his Masculinity and Heterosexuality. He behaved normally? And...also...whatever the fuck the Adios thing was!
Like they have these opportunities to make him Traditionally (toxically) Masculine, but make the choice to...not? To soften him. Because it’s a tool. He’s their female lead, textually he had to take on the role of mother(/father) to Sam, but...I mean this is a million miles long already. I know, but we absolutely can’t not talk about his Paternal/Maternal behaviors. (Which appear again and again again and again, outside of his relationship with Sam even/especially). He’s the mother hen, sage, safety net, beacon, home to so many side characters they meet.
I mean in many ways Jody is also a Dean comparison. Lost her family. Found a new family. She is non-traditionally feminine, but easily flustered and Silly™ (let’s just drop the entire sex talk over family dinner scene with Alex and the boys and looking to them for help, even though she was already a mother, and she’s a cop, and a hunter and this confident no nonsense individual.... She’s not). We are meant to see her as this hard ass, but she makes extra food for the boys to take back to the bunker. She’s deadly in a fight, but also still easily overwhelmed and put into damsel mode, and she cares so much even in the face of adversity.
It’s also fun to see how Jo | Jody are reflections of Dean at different points of his life. Younger, cocky | Older, settled.
Even when the text tries to tell us that he’s not.
When it reminds us that he’s violent. That he is his father, even if he says that Sam is more like John (which was reflexive, which was angry because of Adam and how Sam was behaving like Dean in that episode, and yes there are parallels to be drawn between Sam and John, the show barely dives into them). Instead we’re told that Dean is John (Again and Again and Again and Again).
So intensely that a fanfictionalized version of the Winchester Gospels makes it an entire fucking musical number.
And yet, despite the texts insistence to make Dean Macho Man Father Reborn™ We get this Dean who is silly (and directly compared/contrasted to the female character in this scene), soft, in heels, nagging, and... Sully (you know Sam’s imaginary friend who has the same Haircut Dean has, who is a softer, shorter, friendlier, campier, version of Dean who was a replacement For Dean until the real one let Sam back in? That? Sully?) it’s hard to take them seriously.
Hell, even when he was A DEMON? What did they do? They had him sing off-key drunken karaoke, they had him doing this ! Like that’s your hero, unhinged, free to be as bad as he could be, and you put him in a cowboy hat in a romance with the king of hell.
The Female Lead, everyone. Who’s biggest betrayal(s) comes at the hands of his love interest (again, a man even though it was an angel who could’ve taken any vessel! who could’ve been recast, who canonically dies admitting his love to Dean - that one), who he tries so hard to be loyal to.
The contradictions of his character are laughable. He is so emotional, but if he is engaged about his emotions? He shuts down, or he’s exasperated about being asked about them. It really is Female Lead/Only Here For The Plot disease, because everything is more important than him. How’s he doing? Doesn’t matter outside of the context of how x character is doing or that y character is dead. Or his emotions only matter if they’re done in penance.
They also really do frame him as Pretty Boy™ in a violent way, or in a derogatory manner. They’ll give us homoerotic shots like this or these and never really acknowledge how these are gay shots. Sorry the gun scene is a a straight up sex scene, the beer sip spilling out over his mouth is oral, the scene where Cas fills up Dean’s glass with whisky is also a sex scene, they do this shit on purpose but accidentally queer it up. If Dean was a woman these scenes wouldn’t even matter. They’d be passing moments, but because he is not just a man but A Man™ they’re insane to see.
Not to mention all of these scenes and all the ones I haven’t linked where Dean dresses up. He performs masculinity, but he performs femininity too. He’s a plot device that is slotted in to whatever role they need. He’s Super Straight Butch Man™ but coaches the lesbian on how to successfully flirt with a man. He’s Action Hero™ who sits through a montage with the same lesbian and yays and nays her outfits, and enjoys himself.
Fuck he loves dressing up, he feels better in these costumes because performing a character is easier than being himself. Because who is Dean? He’s a tool, both textually and metatextually. It is exactly how the women and because of the women on the show that Dean is the way that he is. If there was a more steady female presence Dean would not be half as much of a plot device or half as camp/gay/feminine/non-traditionally masculine/queer coded as he is.
In conclusion....
#dean winchester#supernatural#spn meta#spn#gender#anon#replies#messages#my writing#ANYWAYS PHEW okay anon i don't know if i even fully got to your point but i woke up at like 3:30 to this ask and i've been fixated on it#HOPE THIS IS EVEN JUST a little bit coherent#the way i meant for this to talk so much more about transness and eldest daughter syndrome and just FORGOT#oops#oh well
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The Most Beautiful Moment in Life <I’M FINE>
BTS Universe Story Highlights, pt. 2 / 4
« pt. 1 | » pt. 3
Introduction
JungKook’s and YoonGi’s stories are the first of the paid content in BTS Universe Story and are substantially more detailed than the episodes covered in part 1. As this led to longer summaries (4.2k and 3k), I have added “tl;dr commentary” at the bottom of the post after a section of additional thoughts. This commentary summarizes the parenthetical asides I made throughout the summaries and may be of interest as standalone reading to those who have already played the game yet would like to review its connections to the BU texts and MVs.
Content warning: contains references to death, suicide, suicidal ideation, child abuse, domestic violence, blood, homicide, depression, trauma, PTSD
This guide contains major spoilers and includes references to other BU media
Do not repost, copy, or quote without permission
The Boy on the Threshold
In this story, SeokJin works to uncover the motivations behind JungKook’s nightly street wandering, instigation of fights with thugs, and decision to jump from the roof of a construction site. He was aware of the “darkness” within JungKook but never thought that he would give up on himself. SeokJin is determined to find a way to make JungKook think “I want to live” on his own.
In the afternoon on 11 April Year 22, SeokJin drives by the crosswalk outside Songju Jeil High School. Spotting a grim-faced JungKook, he gets out to greet him. JungKook visibly brightens and pelts him with question after question, finally finishing with, “But how come you’re here at school?” If the player chooses the response “I came to see you” rather than “I was in the neighborhood,” JungKook seems a little disbelieving due to the coincidental timing but nevertheless pleased. SeokJin offers him a ride, thinking that JungKook will not carry out that night’s actions from previous loops if he gets home right away. In the car, SeokJin reminisces aloud about the day they all met. On 3 March Year 19, all seven boys arrived late on the first day at Songju Jeil High School and were scolded outside by the Dean. (Aside from the absence of extra students, this scene looks very similar to the BTS Begins Middle Scene VCR, including the detail of YoonGi arriving last. This VCR predates official BU content.) When the Dean spotted SeokJin in their lineup, he reduced their punishment of community service for one month to just that afternoon. After classes, the boys cleaned the annex. The old classroom-turned-storage room became their secret hideout where they enjoyed various activities like dancing, playing the piano, and spending time with one another. JungKook appears happy as they chat about their school days, although in one path, his face falls after he remembers when he and YoonGi were caught in the annex. SeokJin is concerned, but JungKook insists, “It’s nothing.”
They say goodbye outside JungKook’s house, but SeokJin watches to make sure he goes inside. JungKook hesitates before ringing the bell at the gate. His mom answers, surprised and at a loss by his unexpected arrival. She asks him to come back later because his father’s relatives stopped by, and the intercom cuts off before he can answer. (His mother remarried, so this is really his step-father and family.) SeokJin wonders if JungKook has no one to lean on at school or at home and if this is why he wanders the streets at night. He asks JungKook where he wants to go now. “The beach… the one I went to with you guys,” JungKook answers, then says he’s kidding when SeokJin hesitates, thinking about the night ahead. SeokJin invites JungKook home instead, hoping to keep an eye on him before he needs to save NamJoon at the gas station.
In his bedroom, SeokJin hastily takes down the map and notes pinned on the wall of the boys’ incidents around the city. After letting JungKook inside, he shows him a box of photos from their time together in school. While JungKook browses, a notification on SeokJin’s phone reminds him of Songho Foundation’s inaugural ceremony that evening. Songho Foundation is a scholarship foundation funded by his maternal grandmother’s estate, and his father formally introduces him on this occasion. SeokJin also receives a call from his father’s long-time aide, a man he refers to as Uncle JunHo, who instructs him not to be late to the ceremony. Claiming it won’t take him long, SeokJin asks JungKook to stay there and wait for him to return. He is worried about leaving JungKook alone but also concerned that bringing him to the gas station after the ceremony will make him late to intervening in NamJoon’s incident.
In the lobby of the hotel hosting the Songho Foundation Inauguration Ceremony, SeokJin recognizes many important faces from around the city: Song JunHo, his father’s aide; Seo HyunJung, the city’s deputy mayor; the CEO of Youngjin Engineering & Construction Company; a professor from Munhyeon University; and the Jeil High School principal, Jo JinMyung. SeokJin doesn’t want to cross paths with the principal but is drawn into a conversation with him, the mayor, and his father, Kim ChangJun. “Assemblyman! Congratulations on the launch of the scholarship foundation,” Deputy Mayor Seo says to Kim ChangJun. “I hear that your son has been accepted to Munhyeon University? You must be happy that he’s attending your alma mater.” Kim ChangJun shakes his head. “He still has a lot to learn.” She remarks that everyone knows how well SeokJin has grown up and inquires about his career plans. The player is presented with three choices: “I haven’t decided yet,” “I want to become a good person,” and “I want to become someone like my father.” SeokJin’s father continues to look grim while the others chuckle in response to the first two answers, but his expression softens at the third, which SeokJin knew would not rub him the wrong way. Deputy Mayor Seo proposes to Assemblyman Kim that they establish a regular meeting to discuss community development, mentioning that it would be better if he could invite the city’s prominent citizens and give a speech. Assemblyman Kim agrees, telling his assistant Song JunHo to make note of it. The ceremony concludes, and the guests head towards the hotel’s restaurant. SeokJin is wary of his father’s watchful gaze but impatient to carry out the rest of the night’s plans. While his father is surrounded by other people, he informs Uncle JunHo that he has to leave to work on a group project. SeokJin slips out of the hotel and heads to NamJoon’s gas station.
While SeokJin is gone, one of the photos in the box catches JungKook’s eye. It shows the seven boys sitting on a wall with the ocean behind them. (This photo resembles the shot in Euphoria at 5’32” except that they appear to be wearing school uniform shirts and slacks.) A flashback retells the afternoon of 12 June Year 19 when the boys cut school early and visited the sea, trudging over 3 kilometers under the scorching sun to find a boulder that is rumored to make your dreams come true. (The date is not specified in the game, but the memory closely follows this set of entries in The Notes 1.) Everyone collapses in disappointment when they can’t find the rock at its designated location. JungKook is tired but not as disappointed as the others—just walking there with them is enough for him, even though he often feels uncertain of his place among the group. He gets up on the pier railing, reflecting: “I’ve always liked walking on the edge of walls or on top of lines. Focusing on centering my gravity means that I don’t really think of anything else, and the boundary—not quite a part of either place—always felt like where I should be.” Balancing precariously, JungKook walks until someone grabs his arm. YoonGi scolds him not to do this. JungKook assures him that he will not fall but privately thinks: “YoonGi would often grab my arm when I walked on railings. The others would look after me, too, after seeing him do that. I liked their helping hands. It felt like they were telling me that I should go to them. That this wasn’t my place. Maybe their hands were why I walked on the railings.”
The story returns to the present in SeokJin’s perspective. He rushes back to his room after saving NamJoon and finds JungKook asleep, leaning against the bed with the photos still scattered around him. Feeling both relief and regret, SeokJin quietly coaxes JungKook to lay down and sleep more comfortably. JungKook wakes up and says he should go home after hearing that it’s past ten o’clock. The game cuts briefly to SeokJin’s father in his study with his aide. Kim ChangJun asks Song JunHo to fetch SeokJin, as he needs to know what goes on for the foundation. JunHo says that SeokJin must be entertaining a guest for the group project because he spotted an unfamiliar pair of shoes in the entryway.
Back in his bedroom, SeokJin is startled when his father knocks on the door. It’s rare for his father to visit the second floor of their home, so he let his guard down while chatting with JungKook. “F-Father.” Stammering, SeokJin flinches and gathers up the scattered photos. “Did you leave the ceremony early to waste time like this? Even lying to say you were doing a school project?” asks Kim ChangJun. His cold and reproachful stare suffocates SeokJin. When his father’s eyes scan to JungKook standing awkwardly at the side, SeokJin is plunged into a childhood memory. On 10 October Year 9, 9-year-old SeokJin hid a school friend who was being chased by scary men in his bedroom. His father arrived and asked if the boy was Mr. Choi’s son, saying people had come to take him. When Kim ChangJun ordered him to “be a good boy,” SeokJin froze and was powerless to stop his friend from being handed over. The following day, SeokJin was told his friend transferred schools. (This event is also depicted as the first entry of The Notes 1.) In the present, SeokJin struggles to think of an explanation, smothered by that memory and his father’s pressuring stare. JungKook timidly speaks up. “I was only here to visit for a short while. I was actually about to head home. Hey, I’ll go now.” SeokJin knows he can’t leave him alone yet and finally forces himself to move. “Father, I… I’m going to go out for a little while.” He runs outside, but JungKook is already gone.
The story cuts to JungKook’s perspective as he arrives in a familiar alleyway. He is thankful that SeokJin was so considerate to him but feels that he shouldn’t have gone to his home since it made things more complicated for his friend. “YoonGi even got expelled because of me… Why do I always mess things up for the people around me?” JungKook thinks. The player is presented the choice to either text SeokJin or call YoonGi. In the first path, SeokJin calls JungKook while he is mid-text and says that he’ll come pick him up, but JungKook declines, thanks him, and hangs up. In the second path, JungKook fiddles with his phone, wondering if YoonGi will be annoyed or even answer. He remembers when they crossed paths a few days earlier. On 7 April Year 22, JungKook heard a familiar tune while roaming the dark streets and saw YoonGi playing piano through a broken window of a music shop. YoonGi stopped and eventually staggered out of the shop without noticing JungKook reaching out to him. JungKook tried to play the music by memory, and suddenly YoonGi returned—just like their days at the classroom. (Note: In his 7 April Year 22 entry of The Notes 1, YoonGi is drunk and stumbling by an empty construction site when he recognizes a clumsy piano tune that he’d been playing “not long ago.” But when he runs to the music shop and finds JungKook, the text does not indicate that he remembers this is his second visit to the shop this evening. Additionally, the Wings short film First Love seems to reference some of the events of this night—or evokes YoonGi’s distorted memories of it, mingled with a representation of JungKook’s later accident.)
In the present (11 April), JungKook wonders if YoonGi is doing well. He has thought about him since their chance encounter but doesn’t have the courage to call him first. (The narrative paths rejoin here.) JungKook wonders where he should go now yet doesn’t want to think about anything. He stops in the middle of the road, and a passing car’s headlights make him dizzy. SeokJin arrives in the distance and shouts his name, but JungKook just thinks, “One more step from here. Just one more step, and everything ends.” He steps in front of the honking car. SeokJin calls him in the distance, and JungKook feels everything slip farther away. The glass shatters and the loop resets.
Awakening once more on the morning of 11 April, SeokJin vows to protect JungKook until the end. The memory of arriving too late as JungKook threw himself in front of the car reminds him of how he was also unable to protect his childhood friend when he was 9. He needs to devise a new plan, since JungKook practically ran out of the house when confronted by Kim ChangJun. The story cuts to that evening, with JungKook looking at the photo in SeokJin’s bedroom. This time, SeokJin ignores his phone’s buzzing reminder about Songho Foundation’s inaugural ceremony. He asks JungKook where he’d like to get next and, when he doesn’t have any ideas, offers him a tour of the university campus.
JungKook seems happier looking around the campus, the cherry blossoms in full bloom. SeokJin uses this opportunity to ask him if anything is on his mind and if school is going well. JungKook answers nonchalantly, but SeokJin remembers how grim he looked at the school crosswalk that afternoon. He asks if JungKook still hangs out with the other guys. “HoSeok and TaeHyung are working part-time jobs. The others… I’m not sure,” JungKook answers, expression darkening. SeokJin wonders if he shouldn’t have brought it up but still presses him. “How come? You should talk to them from time to time.” “But it’s because of me,” says JungKook. “The reason why YoonGi was expelled… It was because he was trying to protect me.”
SeokJin either responds “It’s not your fault” or “Don’t think that way.” Following the first choice, JungKook insists, “No, it’s my fault. YoonGi wouldn’t have talked back to the teacher if I wasn’t there.” SeokJin shakes his head. “No, you couldn’t really do anything given the situation.” JungKook replies that he should have at least apologized and that he never had the chance to tell YoonGi he was sorry. “That’s how you felt, huh… I should’ve done more. I’m sorry,” SeokJin apologizes. JungKook shakes his head with a smile, but SeokJin knows that he doesn’t understand what he really meant. (Per events in The Notes 1, it is technically SeokJin’s fault that the teacher found them in the classroom.) If the second dialogue choice, “Don’t think that way,” is chosen, JungKook questions, “How could I? When it was because of me.” “No…” SeokJin is not brave enough to say that he’s the one to blame. The camera (i.e. the animation) starts wobbling as though SeokJin’s vision is swimming. “SeokJin?” asks JungKook in concern. “I should’ve done more. I’m sorry.” The episode ends with the same dialogue and animation of JungKook shaking his head with a smile, except that in the second path the camera is still wobbling from SeokJin’s perspective. (This is the only episode I noted in the game that has a slight difference in endings based on the player’s final choice, although it is essentially cosmetic.)
Episode 5 opens with a more detailed memory of 11 June Year 20 from JungKook’s perspective. The high school was holding an open house for parents. Not wanting to stay in a classroom, he wandered off and heard piano music drifting from the annex. JungKook slipped into their classroom hideout and settled down to listen. YoonGi continued to play without acknowledging him. The music helped calm JungKook—it seemed as though YoonGi understood how he felt and was trying to console him. The sound cut off abruptly as the door slammed open. “You rascals! What are you doing here?!” the Dean of Students demanded. He slapped JungKook, knocking him down. A flurry of verbal abuse poured over his crumpled form. YoonGi shoved the teacher’s shoulder and stepped in front of JungKook. “Wow, look at this kid… You put your hands on a teacher? You better be prepared, Min YoonGi.” With that ominous threat, the Dean departed. JungKook spoke from the floor. “Hey, sorry for making you—” “It’s nothing,” YoonGi cut in. JungKook wondered why he helped him. It was the first time someone had protected him, and he believed that he would never forget the view of YoonGi’s back. YoonGi asked why JungKook was smiling. “I don’t know.” Still smiling, JungKook touched his throbbing cheek. YoonGi stared at him before breaking into his own smile and sitting down next to him. They sat there wordlessly for some time. The feeling of growing closer to YoonGi made JungKook feel giddy the rest of the day. But YoonGi did not come to school the following day, and two weeks later, he was formally expelled. (The encounter with the teacher and YoonGi’s subsequent expulsion are also referenced in JungKook and YoonGi’s 25 June Year 20 entries in The Notes 1.)
In a brief interlude in the present (11 April at the university campus), SeokJin reflects again that he does not have the courage to confess to JungKook the real reason why they drifted apart. He walks with his eyes trained on the ground until JungKook calls for him to look at the cherry blossoms floating in the wind. The scene cuts to 30 September Year 20 for another of JungKook’s school memories. He stood outside the school’s annex, reflecting that his friends probably didn’t know that he went there every day. Although school was a place he found awkward and unfamiliar, their hideout was a space for him that put him at ease. On that day however, only HoSeok was inside the classroom, gathering up the items they’d left behind. JungKook realized that the time they spent together was now a memory and would never return again. (This is also an entry in The Notes 1.) Back in the present, SeokJin notices that JungKook looks grim once more and tries to improve his mood by asking if they should go to the beach. JungKook privately wonders: “Do you think YoonGi would go? And no one knows what’s going on with JiMin. Will we really be able to go together like we did then?” Holding up his pink camera, SeokJin says they should take a picture to commemorate the evening. They’re both smiling in the photo, and he hopes that they’ll all smile together again one day. After their campus tour, SeokJin walks JungKook home, ignoring the many calls he receives from his father’s assistant JunHo.
At the crosswalk outside the high school the next day (12 April), SeokJin reflects that staying with JungKook instead of attending the inauguration ceremony seemed like a good choice. He prevented JungKook from jumping off the building and stopped NamJoon’s incident too. But SeokJin wants to keep an eye on JungKook for a few days. While he’s waiting, the principal Jo JinMyung approaches and greets him, asking what brings him to the school. SeokJin tries to excuse himself, but the principal brings up the ceremony. “I thought you’d be there, but you weren’t. Did something happen? Why weren’t you there?” Caught off guard, SeokJin either answers vaguely (“I had something important to do”) or honestly (“A friend had an emergency and I couldn’t attend”). JungKook joins them slowly during the exchange, and the principal seems a little suspicious regardless of the player’s choice. In the “honest” path, he adds, “Next time, think about what's truly important before acting.” The paths rejoin when the principal smiles pointedly and mentions that he should call the Assemblyman soon. SeokJin wonders if Jo JinMyung intends to tell his father that he was with JungKook. Kim ChangJun did not approve of the time SeokJin spent with his friends even in school. “Father thinks it’s useless to have human relationships that don’t help you succeed.” When he and JungKook are in his car, SeokJin notices that the principal ominously watches them pull away.
Later that day, SeokJin meets with his father in his office. Kim ChangJun looks exhausted. Though they’re similar heights, to his son he seems like a massive grey wall. “Why didn’t you attend the inauguration ceremony yesterday?” he asks. SeokJin either lies (“A professor asked me to do something last minute”) or answers honestly (“A friend had an emergency and I couldn’t attend”). The ultimate result is the same: Kim ChangJun speaks after a long moment of silence. “The one thing I want from you is for you to be a good son.” “Yes,” says SeokJin. “I don’t think it’s a difficult task. You may leave.” As he exits, SeokJin hears him call Song JunHo and worries that his flimsy excuse will fall apart. Running into the principal may have made matters worse too. Despite his uneasiness, SeokJin has no choice but to keep going and trust that everything will work out. While NamJoon and JungKook are safe for now, he wonders if he can be a person for JungKook to lean on for comfort whenever he needs it so that he will not resort to such an extreme decision again.
SeokJin visits JungKook after school every afternoon the following days. On 15 April, JungKook asks if it’s okay for him to come like this every day. SeokJin assures him, “Yeah. I come to see you because I want to.” He observes that JungKook still seems to take social cues from him rather than acting comfortably, so he encourages him to either pick what they do next or where they should go eat. On 19 April, however, JungKook does not appear at the school gates. SeokJin tries calling him, only to learn that the number isn’t in service. Someone shouts his name, and HoSeok emerges from the Twostar Burger across from the school. “I had heard you were back, but I didn’t think I’d see you here in front of the school.” HoSeok digs a piece of paper out of his pocket, explaining that JungKook stopped by earlier. “He said he’s switching schools.” SeokJin asks where, but HoSeok doesn’t know. This has never happened before in a loop, and SeokJin wonders if he caused it. HoSeok hands over the paper, which JungKook requested be given to SeokJin. It’s a drawing of the cherry blossom tree they saw together, with a thank you note written at the bottom. SeokJin hopes that his suspicions aren’t correct.
Hunting for clues to JungKook’s whereabouts, SeokJin visits Jeil High School’s administrative office the next day (20 April). He receives slightly more information if he acts like he knows the Director of Administration, but as the student records are confidential, the man only reveals that JungKook transferred to a boarding school. On 30 April, SeokJin is summoned to his father’s office. Kim ChangJun asks him to sit down and continues speaking with his aide, Song JunHo. He confirms an upcoming appointment with the Deputy Mayor before asking, “Oh, did you take care of that incident?” “Yes. Do you mean the one concerning the Jeil High student?” JunHo responds. “I’ve taken care of the issue with the student.” Heart racing, SeokJin realizes that his father was behind JungKook’s transfer and deliberately let it slip as a warning to him. On their way out, Uncle JunHo adds, “SeokJin. You do know how difficult it was because you didn’t attend the inauguration, right?” SeokJin promises that he’ll be at the next meeting. Back in his bedroom, he decides that he made the wrong choice in this loop. He wanted to be someone JungKook could always come to, but instead he pushed him farther away. HoSeok calls him at that moment. Voice wavering, he relays that JungKook has disappeared. Some of his classmates stopped by the restaurant that day, inquiring if anyone talks to him often.
The story cuts back to 25 April with JungKook in class at his new school. His mom likes the dormitory here, and he suspects that she feels more comfortable without him at home. School, home, the dorms—he doesn’t belong in any of those places. While pairing up the students, the teacher notices that they have an odd number now and asks JungKook where he wants to go. He closes his eyes and remembers a voice: “JungKook, let’s all go to the ocean.” He thinks, “I want to go…” The scene jumps to JungKook walking towards the ocean shore. The glass shatters.
SeokJin opens his eyes on the morning of 11 April. He wonders what caused the loop to reset and assumes something must have happened to JungKook after he transferred schools. Again, he could not keep his promise of getting them all to the ocean. The episode ends with SeokJin sitting atop the seaside observatory at sunset. (This is a key location on 22 May Year 22, recurring in The Notes and depicted in the HYYH On Stage: Prologue short film and Euphoria MV. It looks the same in the game.) SeokJin ruminates on what may have happened to JungKook and where events started going wrong. He thought he could be the person JungKook needed to lean on, but he failed. This arc concludes with him wondering: “Was my method wrong? Or is it not supposed to be me? Maybe… If the person who’s supposed to console JungKook’s scars and be there for him isn’t me… Then, who can save JungKook?”
The End of His Gaze
SeokJin’s main challenge in saving YoonGi is the unpredictability of his actions between loops. The opening of this story is no different. On 2 May Year 22, SeokJin chases YoonGi after he leaves his workroom with a heavy bag but loses sight of him in the streets. As soon as he picks the nearest motel, black smoke pours from one of its windows. (The sign matches the motel in YoonGi’s scenes of the I Need U MV.) YoonGi ignores the commotion outside the room’s locked door. Once again, SeokJin is too late, and the glass shatters, resetting the loop.
Waking in his bedroom on 11 April, SeokJin considers how YoonGi backs himself into a corner no matter how or when he tries to intervene. It’s different from the incident with NamJoon because no outside person or situation is involved. SeokJin realizes that if YoonGi’s struggle and variables that make his decision so unpredictable are within him, then the only way he can stop YoonGi is by truly understanding him. He takes out his old camcorder from high school, hoping its footage may reveal some clues. In the first video clip he plays, YoonGi is off in the corner of their classroom hideout drawing music staves but speaks up to tell HoSeok and TaeHyung not to play a prank on JiMin. SeokJin wonders if YoonGi still writes music and remembers the piano in his workroom. In the second video, TaeHyung quibbles with NamJoon, who is tired yet refuses to take a nap until YoonGi pushes some desks together and tells him to lie down. SeokJin focuses on YoonGi for the rest of the video, but he is either motionless or off camera. He finds a similar challenge within his photographs: he has less than ten solo photos of YoonGi, and though his face is visible in group pictures, he is never looking at the camera. Still perusing the photos, SeokJin overhears voices from the camcorder. “It being here is a secret. Okay?” TaeHyung whispers to YoonGi. “What’s a secret?” SeokJin in the recording asks. TaeHyung and YoonGi, standing by the piano, both whip around. TaeHyung dismisses it as nothing and shushes YoonGi when he asks, “Why are you hiding something like that?” In the present, SeokJin wonders what they hid in the classroom and decides that it’s worth investigating in case it can help him save YoonGi.
On 15 April, SeokJin visits their old classroom hideout at Jeil High School, which is still being used as a storage room. The player can choose from a total of four locations to explore, provided they select the piano last. SeokJin identifies his father’s name alongside the message “Everything started from here” on the graffitied wall (he first saw this note in his 25 June Year 19 entry from The Notes 1). Even after thoroughly examining the piano, he does not find YoonGi and TaeHyung’s secret or anything else useful. Uneasy at leaving YoonGi alone for so long, SeokJin leaves the school and parks in front of his friend’s workroom. YoonGi appears to be safely inside, so SeokJin browses through the old video files on his camcorder and finds one that continued recording after he thought he had pressed the stop button. Listening to his and YoonGi’s voices, he recalls a forgotten memory of the day they walked out of school together.
The majority of episode 3 plays through a memory of an afternoon that SeokJin and YoonGi walked out of school together (date unspecified; this event is also referenced in YoonGi’s 2 August Year 22 entry from The Notes 2 and the similar Note accompanying Map of the Soul: 7). SeokJin receives a text summoning him to the principal’s office. The office is empty yet suffocating when he arrives. Principal Jo JinMyung arrives and apologizes for making SeokJin wait. SeokJin looks down, heart suddenly heavy. The scene cuts to YoonGi entering the storage classroom as he thinks about all the days he doesn’t feel like going home. It’s not a comfortable place for him, yet there’s nothing for him at the school either, except for the group’s hideout. He feels awkward in the oddly quiet room and puts some sheet music on the piano’s rack. But when he thinks about how no one is there requesting songs from him, he can’t bring his hands up to the keys. The flashback transitions back to SeokJin’s perspective following his meeting with the principal. As expected, the principal wanted him to report on YoonGi’s behavior. SeokJin spoke carefully so as not to tip him off about anything, but he hears internal whispers calling himself a hypocrite even when he’s laughing with his friends. Fretting over how much longer he can protect YoonGi, SeokJin runs into him at the classroom hideout’s door. He hopes YoonGi doesn’t notice how flustered he is, but YoonGi doesn’t say anything beyond confirming that he’s heading home. SeokJin tries to strike up a conversation as they walk out together, but the conversation awkwardly fizzles out whether he brings up food or the weather. YoonGi points out that his phone is buzzing, and SeokJin’s camcorder falls from his bag as he looks for it. YoonGi waves him off when SeokJin films him to test that it still works. He sheepishly lowers the camcorder and forgets to turn it off. YoonGi breaks the uncomfortable silence when they are almost across the field. “Is something up? You didn’t look very happy earlier.” Heart pounding, SeokJin tries to laugh off this sharp question with an excuse, but YoonGi stares straight at him. “You’re awkward too, SeokJin.” “What is?” “Your laugh.” YoonGi pauses before continuing, “When was the last time you genuinely laughed?”
The scene fades back to the present in SeokJin’s car (15 April). He can’t make out the rest of their conversation in the recording or remember what he answered. He wonders why YoonGi asked him that. SeokJin was always tense then, afraid that his friends would learn of his meetings with the principal. Did the others notice, too? While he’s lost in these thoughts, someone outside shouts, “Fire!” Flames erupt from YoonGi’s workroom. Realizing he should have focused on YoonGi and not the video, SeokJin runs into the building. As he tries to open the locked door, he hears the glass shatter.
The fourth episode opens on the night of 11 April with SeokJin watching JungKook and YoonGi walk away from the construction site and towards NamJoon’s container. A few days later, SeokJin spots JungKook on the sidewalk on his way to YoonGi’s workroom. When asked where he’s going, JungKook avoids his gaze and replies, “I was just… walking around.” SeokJin knows this is because he has nowhere to go. Not wanting JungKook to keep wandering and remembering that he was once close with YoonGi, SeokJin invites him along. The perspective switches to JungKook as they enter the workroom. It reeks of alcohol, and YoonGi is fast asleep among empty bottles. “YoonGi… will be okay, right?” he asks. SeokJin picks up the bottles without responding. A memory from their school days occurs to JungKook. TaeHyung chased him around their classroom hideout, trying to snatch his sketchbook and succeeding when JungKook found his escape unintentionally blocked by YoonGi standing in the doorway. JungKook was dismayed when YoonGi called TaeHyung over to the piano so they could look at it together, but then YoonGi deceived TaeHyung and threw the sketchbook to JungKook. In the present, SeokJin doesn’t want to waste time while YoonGi sleeps. He taps a lost-in-thought JungKook on the shoulder and says they should leave, but JungKook responds that he will stay until YoonGi wakes.
Back again at the classroom hideout, SeokJin hunts further around the piano. He uses an old mop handle to fish out a piece of paper from underneath it. The hidden secret turns out to be TaeHyung’s abysmal math test. Dejected, SeokJin slumps to the floor. On this level, he notices a small handle on the piano’s lower panel and uses it to pop off the cover. Faded music sheets are wedged into the piano’s frame. A phrase on one of them catches SeokJin’s eye. (함께 라면 웃을 수 있다 : The Korean is not translated in game, but Google translates it as “if we are together, we can laugh.” This recurring phrase is instead translated as “we can laugh when we’re together” in The Notes 2. In YoonGi’s 2 August Year 22 entry, he also reflects on finding the note written in the margins of the music scores he took from the classroom. The handwriting isn’t his own. Additionally, a similar sentiment is expressed in a line of You Never Walk Alone, which is the basis for one of the BU-inspired Graphic Lyrics books.)
This message reminds SeokJin of YoonGi’s question: “When was the last time you genuinely laughed?” “This moment is the answer to that question,” he thinks, initiating a flashback to 20 March Year 19. The boys gathered around HoSeok in the classroom, chattering excitedly about the new club he’s leading. TaeHyung jokingly called him “Mr. President.” HoSeok told him only members could call him that before asking YoonGi if he wanted to join. “I’ll allow you to join without an audition, but only you.” TaeHyung exclaimed that he was just trying to get YoonGi to call him president. “Oh, it was obvious?” HoSeok chuckled. “Acting up again, huh?” YoonGi spoke up from the corner. The memory fades, returning to a pensieve SeokJin. He clearly remembers YoonGi’s face as he laughed with the others. “When did we stop laughing? Did it start that day, when I ruined everything?” SeokJin wonders. “It’s my fault,” he says aloud, standing there with the sheet music in hand until the sun begins to set. (Note: the date of the memory may be a typo. On 20 March Year 20 in The Notes 1, TaeHyung overheard SeokJin in the classroom informing the principal of the trouble he and YoonGi had gotten into. SeokJin realized that NamJoon heard it but not TaeHyung, who remained hidden out of sight and then pretended not to know. It’s not impossible that this memory really occurred in March Year 19, but most of them had only met at the beginning of that month.)
On the night of 15 April, SeokJin follows YoonGi at a distance from his workroom to an alleyway bar. (It is possible but not entirely clear that this is the same day SeokJin found the sheet music at the classroom, which is why I did not specify the date earlier.) It appears that YoonGi visits this bar often since the owner asks him if he has money today. SeokJin sits at a table behind YoonGi and watches him knock back shot after shot. Deciding that he shouldn’t leave him alone any longer, SeokJin musters up the courage to join him. YoonGi doesn’t look surprised to see him. He smiles before looking down again. SeokJin attempts a natural conversation to catch up. YoonGi asks why he didn’t come along the night when everyone got together at NamJoon’s container. “It’s been awhile since we’ve all seen each other, and JungKook… Never mind. You were probably busy.” SeokJin apologizes and inquires how JungKook is doing, then turns the same question on YoonGi when he replies that he doesn’t know. “Anything new with you?” SeokJin presses when YoonGi avoids his gaze. “Well, as you can see.” YoonGi dodges a direct answer.
The restaurant owner brings them a second glass. They are quiet in a restaurant full of chatter. SeokJin brings up the past to break the awkward silence, asking if YoonGi remembers the day they walked out of high school together. “Why do you ask?” says YoonGi. SeokJin explains that he remembered what YoonGi said to him that afternoon. “I want to ask you the same thing you asked me then.” SeokJin is nervous but continues, not wanting to waste this opportunity. “When was the last time you genuinely laughed?” YoonGi is silent for a moment. “Who knows.” SeokJin encourages him to think about it. “What good is it whether I remember or not? It wouldn’t change things now, even if I remembered.” YoonGi’s refusal to express his feelings upsets SeokJin more than his indifferent tone. “I just wish he would open up to me so I could figure out… anything. If only I could tell him,” SeokJin thinks. His internal narration continues over a shot of him in high school looking at his phone: “Or maybe… If I went back further in time, mustering up the courage to protect my friends, and prevented YoonGi from being expelled. If I did, maybe now we’d be…” “What’s with that expression?” YoonGi’s voice snaps him into the present, and he stares at SeokJin the way he had when they walked home from school. “Nothing, just… I feel like it’s been a while since I last saw you and I’m wasting time with useless subjects. It’s nothing—” SeokJin tries to laugh it off, but YoonGi interrupts. “You’re the same as always… There’s something there in your expression, but you say that it’s nothing.” This remark hits hard, rendering SeokJin speechless.
YoonGi’s words echo in SeokJin’s head even after he arrives home later that night. How did YoonGi notice what SeokJin thought he kept well-hidden? He once viewed YoonGi as someone who was indifferent to the world and trying to distance himself from everything. It dawns on SeokJin that he is mistaken. He opens his camcorder, hoping to see something new with this changed perspective. A recording plays in which he, YoonGi, and JungKook are the only ones present in the classroom hideout. When YoonGi starts playing piano, JungKook gets up from the desk and carefully stands by him. YoonGi doesn’t seem bothered and continues to play. Suddenly, he stops. “You wanna try?” In the present, SeokJin wonders why he asks JungKook that out of the blue and replays the footage, feeling like he missed something. This time, he notices that JungKook begins chewing his nails before YoonGi asks him. “Can I?” says JungKook. “Why not? It’s not my piano or anything. You can play if you want to.” At YoonGi’s words, the color returns to JungKook’s face and his hands drop from his mouth. SeokJin watches a little more of the video. As the recorded YoonGi patiently corrects JungKook’s wrong notes, he realizes that YoonGi doesn’t merely ask JungKook to play on a whim but out of respect for him.
SeokJin turns his attention to his box of photos. The player can choose up to three to examine. SeokJin realizes that YoonGi is a little further behind the group and not looking at the camera not because he feels left out or is avoiding attention, but because he is always watching how they are all together. YoonGi knows us very well, he thinks. He stopped JungKook from biting his nails by asking him to play the piano rather than acknowledging it directly. He saw through SeokJin and recognized when his laughter wasn’t genuine, even after several years apart. SeokJin thought that YoonGi wanted to give up everything, would never open up to anyone, and experienced feelings that were impossible for him to understand. “But if we were the ones to make YoonGi laugh… It may be possible to save YoonGi,” SeokJin reflects. With more determination, he vows to save him. “I’ll save him no matter what, because we can laugh when we’re together.”
SeokJin visits YoonGi every day after their meeting at the bar, responding that he’s making time to see him when asked if all university students have this much free time. They grow more accustomed to each other’s company, but SeokJin’s glimmer of hope fades as alcohol and aimless wandering continues to fill YoonGi’s life. Since just visiting YoonGi’s workroom seems meaningless, on 24 April SeokJin decides to show him the sheet music he found in the hideout, hoping it will encourage him to resume songwriting. Upon seeing the music, YoonGi has a flashback to 25 June Year 20, the day he received the school expulsion notice. He ran immediately to the classroom and played the piano as though possessed. The anger refused to settle. He shoved all of his sheet music into the piano and vowed to never play the piano again. In the present, YoonGi asks, “Where’d you find this?” At his cold expression, SeokJin wonders what he’s done wrong and explains aloud that he just happened to find it in the hideout’s piano. The papers fall from YoonGi’s hand, scattering across the floor. “Leave,” he spits. “What? Min YoonGi, what’s going on?” SeokJin asks. YoonGi shoves him. “Just leave.” “Don’t do this, let’s talk for a moment,” SeokJin tries again. But YoonGi replies, “I have nothing to say to you.”
YoonGi avoids him after that. On 25 April, SeokJin calls him numerous times without any answer and finds only torn sheet music and empty bottles in his workroom. He remembers YoonGi’s last words to him and says aloud, “It can’t be. No way.” An ominous thought crosses his mind, but he forces it out to focus on recalling something from memory. The story cuts to him running down a street, trying to figure out where YoonGi went to set the fire in the last loop. (It is never clarified what SeokJin’s “ominous thought” is—it may refer to YoonGi setting a fire or possibly even a suspicion that YoonGi figured out SeokJin was involved in his expulsion.) SeokJin finds the same motel (the one with the sign like in the I Need U MV) and rushes upstairs in a cold sweat. Faced with a hallway of identical doors, he doesn’t know how to locate YoonGi’s room. Whether the player chooses for him to call out to YoonGi or “think of something else” (which results in him pulling the fire alarm), the result is ultimately the same. SeokJin forces open the last closed door with a fire extinguisher, but the room is empty. Filled with regret, SeokJin wonders what he has done wrong. “Like an idiot, I… I knew that the location and method of YoonGi’s attempt could change, and yet…”
“Fire!” someone yells. The motel across the street erupts in flames. “No! Please…” SeokJin begs, falling to his knees. “How can I stop this tragedy? … Am I not enough to stop it?” The story ends as he hears the glass shatter once again.
Additional Thoughts
For me, JungKook’s arc really draws back the curtain on SeokJin’s private life. It demonstrates SeokJin’s challenge to balance saving his friends and maintaining his own daily life, particularly fulfilling the duties that fall to him as a prominent assemblyman’s son. We see little of this side of him until The Notes 2, when his perspective has already drastically changed.
JungKook’s reflection about his habit of walking along the edges of walls is an interesting moment of self-awareness. This “tightrope-walking” is depicted frequently in the MVs.
The car accident and loop reset at the beginning of JungKook’s 4th episode suggests the possibility that the I Need U MV depicts JungKook deliberately stepping in front of the oncoming car rather than accidentally. (Maybe people have already interpreted it this way, but personally the thought had never occured to me due to how it’s shot and acted.) The car accident is a recurring theme in the loops for JungKook, particularly as he is struck the night of 22 May and comes to believe that it was SeokJin who hit him.
This internal dialogue of SeokJin’s from YoonGi’s arc gives me a lot to think about: “If I went back further in time, mustering up the courage to protect my friends, and prevented YoonGi from being expelled. If I did, maybe now we’d be…” SeokJin’s first experiences of the time loops are depicted in the Save Me Webtoon. At that time, he believes that 11 April is the date that he can begin fixing things, but it’s not clear if this ability granted by the cat-like creature truly gives him control over to which date the loop resets. (It is more obvious that he cannot control what triggers the reset itself.) Does he ever go back earlier? Only *ahem* time will tell, but if you want some more food for thought, please check out these interesting quotes that occur before 11 April Year 22.
As mentioned above, the following “tl;dr” commentary summarizes the parenthetical notes I provided in the summaries in case you want to review them on their own.
The Boy on the Threshold — tl;dr commentary
SeokJin’s flashback to 3 March Year 19, when all seven boys arrived late on the first day at Songju Jeil High School and were scolded outside by the Dean, looks very similar to the BTS Begins Middle Scene VCR (aside from the absence of extra students), including the detail of YoonGi arriving last. This VCR predates official BU content.
The photo in SeokJin’s collection that catches JungKook’s eye resembles the shot in the Euphoria MV at 5’32” (the seven boys sitting on a wall with the ocean behind them) except that they appear to be wearing school uniform shirts and slacks.
JungKook’s flashback to the night of 7 April Year 22 expands the context of his reunion with YoonGi, adding that he is drawn to the music shop by a familiar tune and through its broken window sees YoonGi playing piano. YoonGi doesn’t notice him when he staggers outside, and JungKook tries to play the music by memory. In his 7 April Year 22 entry of The Notes 1, YoonGi is drunk and stumbling by an empty construction site when he recognizes a clumsy piano tune that he’d been playing “not long ago.” But when he runs to the music shop and finds JungKook, the text does not indicate that he remembers this is his second visit to the shop this evening. Additionally, the Wings short film First Love seems to reference some of the events of this night—or evokes YoonGi’s distorted memories of it, mingled with a representation of JungKook’s later accident.
I mentioned in part 1’s introduction that every episode’s ending is identical regardless of the decisions made by the player, but the end of episode 4 is actually cosmetically different (a wobbling camera/animation effect) if the second path is selected for the last choice. The dialogue is the same.
The end of episode 7 depicts the seaside observatory. This is a key location on 22 May Year 22, recurring in The Notes and depicted in the HYYH On Stage: Prologue short film and Euphoria MV. It looks the same in the game.
The End of His Gaze — tl;dr commentary
The motel sign at the beginning and end of the story matches the one visible in YoonGi’s shots of the I Need U MV.
When searching the classroom hideout for clues on 15 April, SeokJin identifies his father's name alongside the message “Everything started from here” on the graffitied wall. He first saw this note in his 25 June Year 19 entry from The Notes 1.
Episode 3 presents a memory from both SeokJin’s and YoonGi’s perspectives of the afternoon that they walked out of school together. Although the date is unspecified, this event is also referenced in YoonGi’s 2 August Year 22 entry from The Notes 2 and the similar Note accompanying Map of the Soul: 7.
On his second attempt at searching the classroom, SeokJin finds sheet music that was hidden inside the piano. A phrase written in the corner of one paper catches his eye: 함께 라면 웃을 수 있다. The Korean is not translated in game, but Google translates it as “if we are together, we can laugh.” This recurring phrase is instead translated as “we can laugh when we’re together” in The Notes 2. In YoonGi’s 2 August Year 22 entry, he also reflects on finding the note written in the margins of the music scores he took from the classroom. The handwriting isn’t his own. Additionally, a similar sentiment is expressed in a line of You Never Walk Alone, which is the basis for one of the BU-inspired Graphic Lyrics books.
SeokJin has a flashback of 20 March Year 19 in which the boys are excitedly chattering about HoSeok’s new club. However, given the larger context of this moment (both in the past and what prompts it in the present), the date of the memory may be a typo. On 20 March Year 20 in The Notes 1, TaeHyung overheard SeokJin in the classroom informing the principal of the trouble he and YoonGi had gotten into. SeokJin realized that NamJoon heard it but not TaeHyung, who remained hidden out of sight and then pretended not to know. It’s not impossible that this memory really occurred in March Year 19, but most of them had only met at the beginning of that month.
Did you learn anything new from these stories that I did not specifically mention? Let me know in the replies or tags! Please stay tuned for part 3, featuring JiMin and HoSeok’s stories.
#armiesnet#bangtanarmynet#networkbangtan#armysource#dailybangtan#bts universe#hyyh#bangtan universe#bts universe story#bts universe story highlights#seokjin#jungkook#yoongi#jinkook#yoonkook#yoonjin#bts theories
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I read your thoughts about soulmates, the posts that you tagged me on. First, I want to say that I loved reading your and the anon's take on the topic. And it's similar to the way I answered, but you dived deeper into the concept.
I do not believe that there are souls that were made for each other, that there are two souls that only fit each other like a peace of puzzle. The part where you talked about choice, I believe that when people meet, they talk and they spend time together, they feel like they're similar, like they have a connection with each other, but only because they made it so. What I mean is, it's not uncommon to find or to feel a connection with more than just one person. When you find someone, and you love them (whether it's romantic or platonic), you choose to be with them, you build a relationship, and you make it work by trying and by choosing to be with them everyday. As I said before, there could be someone who is so similar to you, who would be able to understand the way you feel and think, but you'd never meet. And there could be someone who is completely different from you, and you'd meet them one day and you'd share the most wonderful, genuine connection with them. Because you found something in them that you loved, so you chose to get to know them, to be with them, with eventually leads into understanding them in a way no one ever could. And that establishes the concept of soulmates, that people choose to believe in.
Two souls are made, not to end up together, because as typical and overused as it sounds, life isn't a fairytale, you can't be in a relationship where it's all sunshine and rainbows and happiness. That's not true. When you love someone you want to spend your life with, you both make compromises, and that doesn't necessarily mean unhappiness or lack of emotion, it means that you chose to be together, and you'll love each other enough not to overlook the differences, but to embrace them and hold them as a proof.
And what you said, jo, about people's beliefs. I don't think I'm going to add anything about that part, because you described it perfectly, better than I ever would.
I might add other things later, just know that I am absolutely in awe with your thoughts and choice of words talking about this. Thank you for inspiring me 🤍🤍🤍
YES!!!! The idea of having only one person that you are meant to be with isn't repelling to me because of its fatalism (tho I'm not too big on that either), but because of how limiting it is? Like... there's only one person that's going to what? genuinely like you? enjoy spending time with you? It's also weirdly fixated, like it's focused on only one moment in time. Because the reality is, somebody who meant so much to you when you were a kid, might not have been as compatible with you in another timeline and that's completely... normal? You make different connections throughout your life, you learn more and more about yourself, different things capture your attention. And that doesn't invalidate your previous experiences or the feelings you had for the people who helped you create those experiences. It's just makes you human. And the concept of being somebody's perfect match since your first living moment is kind of horrifying. You didn't even get the chance to be a person yet, but your life has somehow been figured out by an abstract something that is definitely not you? Not to mention that even the connections you make with the people that you won't remember as fondly hold enormous importance for who you are. If everything you went through and felt and thought suddenly disappeared when you met somebody who truly understood you, how much of you would there be to understand at all? It's exactly what you said! It can't and shouldn't be all rainbows and happiness. Everyone would be the same that way because it wouldn't be necessary to make choices if the happiness was guaranteed. (it's literally the opening sentence of Ana Karenina djdkkskdksk) Just: everything you've said here!!!!!!
#i forgot how much i love talking with you 🥺#we are so. stupid. for failing to reach out sooner#luckily our shows brought us back together 😌#restless wind inside a letter box💌#mais <3
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HIIII!! i wrote something fun and cute about amelia bringing scout to work with her :)))
It was only two days, three nights without Link but according to Scout he has been gone foooorever. Scout says it’s been years since he’s seen his father, even though it has been two days and he even saw Link over Facetime the day before. He had to fly out of Seattle for a surgery because the patient wasn’t stable enough to travel to the orthopaedic surgeon, so Link had to go to them. Scout was upset, saying he hadn’t seen daddy in a very long time and that he missed him, so Amelia let Scout share the bed with her that night.
She was woken up from the morning sunrise rays creeping through a space in the closed curtains, the little bit of sunlight managing to light up the bedroom. There was a soft breathing beside her and it was Scout, in the middle of the bed and curled into her side as if he didn’t have any room on the other side of the bed. The corner of the blanket was only covering his legs, the rest of his body uncovered and he was laying on his back. One of his arms was laid across his belly, and the other was laying flat above his head and his shirt was slightly bunched up, revealing his belly button.
He looked so calm and peaceful, and his sandy brown hair was messy, pieces of it falling in front of his closed eyes. The day before, Scout refused to go to school because he didn’t want to, and his excuse would be because daddy wasn’t here, and that was all he would say when Amelia would ask why. It took her to promise him that he could join her at work for the day if it meant he would go to school, so today, as she promised, it was bring your kid to work day.
“Angel,” Amelia whispered softly, sitting up from the bed and sitting up, her back against the head board. “Scout.” She said a bit louder this time, a free hand brushing through his hair.
His long eyes lashes revealed his deep blue eyes, matching Amelia’s, (she likes to think he has her eye color, even though Link would disagree saying they both had blue eyes) and he was letting out a huff, before stretching his body out. “Good morning, angel.” She saw Link in him so much, and no matter how many people said they saw her in him as well, all she could see was a mini Link and it made her heart flutter everytime.
“As I promised, you’ll be coming to work with me today,” she said, the corners of her lips curling into a soft smile. “But we have to get ready.”
There was excitement all of his face and it was like he forgot why he was so sad the previous night, because he was already jumping—-literally jumping out of bed. He squealed out a yay and was already running to his bedroom to try and find himself some clothes, even though Amelia knew she’d soon have to go and help him because the clothes he’d be pick would be awful.
After the two of them finished getting ready for their day, they both stood facing the mirror and Scout was standing on a stool because otherwise he would have barely reached the sink. (His height is definitely from her.) Scout pulled out his own toothbrush and mirrored his mom, the two of them brushing their teeth and Scout was messy, but at least he was doing it. There was toothpaste all over his face and it was running down his hands and he wasn’t exactly clean when he was spitting it into the sink. He made sure to match his mom, brushing his teeth for the same amount of time as she did before they had to leave.
She gave him the run down on the way to work, saying he had to be on his best behaviour because she was working and that sometimes her job can be busy. She’s never had an issue with Scout misbehaving but sometimes, his energy, especially when he’s excited, can be high and around patients she needed him to know that he had to be good.
She didn’t have any surgeries scheduled today, she made sure that her day was light, a couple consults and follow-up on post-ops. Scout was going to be her lefthand, assisting her whenever she needed, or at least she was going to let him think he was helping her.
He wore a white coat, Link’s to be specific, and he was drowning in it. It came down past his knees and the sleeves were longer than his own arms but Scout insisted he continued to wear it because it was his dad’s.
He came with her on rounds, and she allowed him to carry around the tablet, it being too big for him to carry with one hand. They were stopped in between patients because nurses and other doctors would stop them, introducing themselves and because some would just squeal and talk about how cute he was.
There was a consult in the pit that she got paged to, and she brought him along. He was no longer carrying the tablet, instead he put both hands in the front coat (very large) pockets because his mom had her hands in her coat pockets and he wanted to be like her.
“What do we got?” Amelia asked, pulling the curtain open to reveal a patient on the table, a few scratches and bruises covering his body and Meredith was there, giving a consult as well.
“MVC,” Meredith started, pulling her blue gloves off of her hands. “Has a head lac.” Turning around, she bent down to get eye level with Scout before he was giggling and throwing his arms around her neck.
“Auntie Mer!” He was yelling now, excitement flooding his face. Amelia was examining the patient, using her flashlight to check his pupils.
“It just looks like a mild concussion, but order a head CT to rule out any bleeding, just in case.” She told the nurse, her hand was put back into her pocket along with her small flashlight.
“Dr. Shepherd-Lincoln,” Meredith nodded, a smile pulling at her face because the look of her nephew in an oversized white coat was too cute. Meredith could see Link in him, as well, but he had some of Amelia’s qualities.
“He looks so much like Link,” Meredith commented before she stood up, facing Amelia. “He’s got your smile though.”
Scout went to stand next to his mom, matching her posture, (trying to) with arms crossed over his chest, just like she was. Amelia looked down at him while Scout was looking between the two, happiness radiating from him. “He’s definitely going to be a heartbreaker.” Amelia joked, causing a chuckle to come from Meredith.
“Mommy let me come to work with her today, instead of school!” He was cheering, his smile reaching his eyes.
“Well, I think you’re going to have a lot of fun here!” Meredith replied, her smile was warm and her eyes met Amelia’s. They were both thinking the same thing; if only Derek were here to see this.
After they shared their goodbyes, they were leaving the emergency room and making their way to the attendings lounge, because she needed a coffee. Upon entering, Scout was talking about her job as if he was a doctor, saying that he was the best worker in the whole building, better than her, too. In the attendings lounge they were met up with Bailey, Webber and Jo, who squealed and immediately stood from her seat.
“Oh ..my ...god,” Jo said, pulling out her phone to take a picture. “He’s a mini Link!” Bailey and Webber adverted their eyes from each other, to look over at Scout who was smiling for the camera, the smile taking over his face and one arm of the jacket falling off of his shoulder.
Pouring herself a coffee, she also grabbed one of the doughnuts that were provided and handed it to Scout, who looked like he had just won the lottery. “Someone is one lucky guy.” Bailey spoke up, walking over to the three of them. “I’m Miranda—Dr. Bailey.” She held her hand out as a casual greeting, as Scout’s small hand grabbed her and they were shaking hands.
“I’m Scout!” He introduced himself, as if nobody in the building knew him. “Dr. Shepherd-Lincoln!!”
“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Dr. Shepherd-Lincoln.” Bailey was laughing, Scout gently shaking her hand. He was making his way around the room, going up to each person to show them the flashlight he borrowed from Amelia, and showing off his jacket.
She was watching him in awe, he was perfect. She never imagined her life with kids, but now she can’t imagine her life without him. It was crazy to her that it was possible for her— anyone, to love someone this much. Sometimes she could feel all of her love in her entire body, she just wanted to hug him so tightly and never let him go. He is her entire world.
“Alright, well,” Amelia was heading towards the door. “We’ve got work to do.”
_____
It was her lunch break, Link made sure to call at least twice today because he wanted to talk to Scout and he wanted to remind Amelia that he loved her. The two of them had rounded on her post-up patients, Scout putting a smile on all of her patients faces. For most of her patients, Scout would try and repeat whatever his mom was telling them although he failed because he couldn’t pronounce half of the words; nor did he understand. Amelia ended up finding a second flashlight and she let Scout hold onto it, shining it into peoples eyes at the same time she did it, pretending he knew what he was looking for.
At the table sat her and Scout, as well as Meredith and Maggie. Scout was telling Maggie about her day, and the sleeve of the jacket was getting into the ketchup and fries that was on his plate, and she’ll made a mental note to wash it before Link saw it. “Baby, let’s take Daddy’s jacket off before it gets dirty.” She was reaching over now, pulling the jacket off of both of his arms and placed it in her lap where it will be safe.
Link called just before he had gone into surgery, mentioning that Jo had sent him the photos of Scout earlier and he made sure to tell Scout that the jacket looked better on him than it did on himself. So now, Scout was telling everyone that the jacket was no longer Link’s but that it was his. He told Maggie about how he looked into everyone’s eyes and how he helped her treat a patient (even though he didn’t), and he also told her that he was the best doctor in the whole entire world.
Before she had a chance to finish her lunch, her pager was going off and she was being paged to a surgery, her now light day not being so light. “I’m being paged to OR 3,” she was standing from her chair. “Okay, Scout, you’re going to have to stay with Aunt Maggie just for a bit because I’m needed somewhere and you can’t come with me.” She was glancing over at Maggie now. “That’s okay, right?
“Perfectly fine.” Maggie nodded and she was kissing Scout before she left, making her way to the OR. Scout continued talking about his day with Meredith and Maggie, completely forgetting about the french fries and hot dog that he begged Amelia for.
#amelink#ameliashepherd#link and amelia#atticus link#amelinkfics#ameliafics#amelia#link x amelia#amelia x link#greysanatomyfics#greys anatomy#stories
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Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 17X15
SPOILERS AHEAD!!!
Wow! A lot happened in this episode. It was billed as Jackson’s goodbye episode, but it turned out to be so much more than that. Meredith got discharged and was reunited with her kids, Tom decided to move to Boston to work for Jackson, and we got the show’s first Indigenous doctor and patient storyline! I honestly think Jackson’s farewell was really well done! While it’s true he could do the work he wants to do just as easily from Seattle everything else about his exit makes sense to me. He’s tired of sitting on the sidelines and he wants to make real change where he can.
I loved his conversation with Meredith and how he was the one to sneak her out. I loved Meredith's voice over for this episode and how it followed Jackson's actions and the flashback montage set to music. I thought it was fitting. I would have liked him to have said goodbye to Ben because they were the Plastics Posse until he left to become a firefighter but apart from that I was happy with it. The character has come such a long way during his run on the show and I feel like this episode reflected that.
The editing was really well done too. Especially the shot of him overlooking the lobby. That transition was seamless. I loved his goodbye scene with Meredith. It made me so emotional. I love that Meredith tried to lighten the mood by making a joke about how she won because she's the last one standing. That scene when she hugged the pillow after he left because she misses him and everyone else really got me. I also really liked the conversation he had with Bailey and Richard.
I'm glad he said a proper goodbye to Jo although I didn't find it super emotional. In addition to Ben, I would also like to have seen a goodbye with Maggie. I'm surprised they didn't do that. Maggie was so focused on Meredith's recovery that it's not clear if she even knows that Jackson is moving to Boston. They also could have done a big emotional scene with Catherine. On a lighter note, I am so happy that Meredith is doing better for real this time and has been discharged! I've been waiting for this since the mid-season point.
I loved the scene where she was reunited with her kids and Amelia was panicking about the state of the house and Meredith told her it was fine and that was just how she liked it. Meredith getting Jackson to sneak her out of the hospital felt very in character to me. As her voice over says Meredith isn't one for tradition or big hullabaloos which is why I think the others tried to keep it a secret. I'm not surprised that she ducked out early. While I get why the other characters wanted to do a big send off for her, I feel like they should know by now that's not her style.
I loved the scene where Amelia and Link found out Meredith might be coming home, and they hugged and then Link said he had to go to work and Amelia started crying and then asked why he was still there. Link was so confused and then Amelia told him she’d be crying off and on like that all day to get her emotions out and that she’d be fine and he needed to go to work. That is so Amelia! But in a good way. Post-tumour and with her addiction under control even in a pandemic Amelia is now able to express her emotions in a healthy way so she doesn’t relapse or spin out of control. That is such huge growth for her. I loved the scene at the end with her and Meredith.
The smile that they share. The look between them. You could see early seasons Private Practice Amelia in that look but also mature and stable new Amelia. I loved that Amelia was all worried about the state of the house and Meredith was fine with it being a mess because as a working Mom she knows what it’s like and all she wanted was to be at home with her kids in her messy house.
At the end of the episode we find out that Tom’s near death experience with COVID has caused him to re-evaluate his life. He feels lucky to have lived to have been spared and he wants to help Jackson make real change in Boston. On the one hand I was surprised by Tom’s exit, but on the other hand I wasn’t. I love Tom and will truly miss his character, but ever since the affair came out and he and Teddy split and she started working on trying to repair her relationship with Owen, Tom hasn't had a lot to do.
I'm sad they didn't do more with him because he's such a great and complex character and I know some people had speculated they might pair him up with Mama Ortiz which could have been interesting. I'm sad we didn't get to see him say goodbye to Amelia, Link, Teddy, Catherine, or Meredith. Tom and Amelia are old friends, he trained her, he took out her brain tumour, and she rushed to the hospital when she heard he had been admitted for COVID-19.
Tom and Link seemed to be getting along as of late and Tom was ready to be a father to Teddy's baby before she got back together with Owen. He found her the perfect apartment and he built a crib for a child that wasn’t biologically his that he was so excited to meet and be a Dad to. All this after his own son died and his marriage collapsed as a result. He treated her like gold and she’s done nothing but treat him horribly for no reason. I don't think I’ll ever forgive Teddy for that.
Catherine and Tom are also old friends that go back even farther. She appointed him as Chief Medical Officer of the Fox Foundation. She told him about DeLuca’s death and took him to the Memorial. When Richard was sick, she told him she wanted him to take over the Foundation in her absence. Tom and Meredith had such an emotional scene earlier this season and he's been praying for her every day. Does she know that? Does Meredith know that Tom has been praying for her and worrying about her? I was expecting a follow up scene to that, so I hope we get one.
I found the patient storyline that Tom, Levi, and Indigenous intern James Chee had really moving. Grey's has never had an Indigenous patient or doctor on the show before and while the dialogue did feel heavy handed at times, they brought some really important issues to light and were trying to make up for lost time so that’s understandable.
Robert I. Mesa who plays Dr. Chee is Navajo Soboba and the patients that they treat at Coast Salish whose traditional territory encompasses the province of British Columbia, Canada and the states of Washington and Oregon in the United States. It’s really great to see an Indigenous actor bring stories about Indigenous characters to life in a realistic way for the same reason that it’s important to see black, brown, Asian, latinx, and LGBTQ+ actors bring stories about characters like themselves to life. It brings authenticity and ensures sure that white straight cisgender people aren’t taking roles away from people within those communities.
When I found out through Twitter that the show had cast its first Indigenous doctor, I was very excited. I work for an Indigenous organization currently and so Indigenous representation is an issue that is very near and dear to my heart. The first thing that came to mind for me was the Coast Salish artwork you see in the background of so many scenes of the show. From the show’s earliest seasons, you can see beautiful art pieces in red, blue, and black depicting fish, birds, and other animals on the walls of the hospital and in people’s offices.
Yet it is never addressed or mentioned that that is Coast Salish artwork. In order for it to be there someone from the art department must have travelled to Seattle to buy some local artwork to put up around the hospital. While that’s great for making the hospital look authentic to the area by not mentioning its origins or the fact that Indigenous people exist for 16 seasons does all Indigenous people a disservice. Indigenous people are not stereotypes or tokens or simply makers of pretty pictures.
Every group has their own culture, artwork, language, and traditions. I’m glad that Grey’s Anatomy is finally acknowledging the existence of Indigenous Americans and the fact that Indigenous people exist and continue to exist despite repeated ruthless attempts to murder and assimilate them. This is a huge problem in the United States, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and other nations. While in the last few years Indigenous issues have gotten greater coverage in Canadian media there isn’t as much media coverage of Indigenous issues in the United States.
I love that Tom and Levi treated both the pregnant woman and her grandfather with respect and dignity and didn't dismiss their concerns or mock their traditions. I love that Tom actually had some knowledge of smudging ceremonies and that he referred to Dr. Chee respectfully when needed and allowed him to perform a smudging ceremony for the grandfather. When the pregnant patient’s husband thanks them and says that in the past they haven’t had great experiences in big hospitals that is unfortunately a sad reality for many.
Like other people of people and other marginalized and oppressed groups the concerns of Indigenous patients are often not taken seriously, and they often encounter racism that leads to poorer treatment and death. When the pregnant patient talks about how their centres are under resourced and that they were sent body bags instead of medical supplies that is a real thing. The Trump Administration actually did that in the States and the Harper Government here in Canada did that during the H1N1 Epidemic.
Thankfully, here in Canada the COVID-19 Pandemic response of the Trudeau Government has been worlds better. No sending of body bags and instead medical supplies and lots of relief money has been given to Indigenous organizations like mine to help real people. Indigenous Canadians have also been given priority status for vaccinations and as a result people are alive today that would have died previously. Now that’s not to say things are perfect here. There are still so many issues that need to be addressed including police violence, discrimination within the justice system, and the rate of missing and murdered Indigenous women. But at least some progress is being made.
The fact that they wrote Tom off reminded of an old adage about Grey’s Anatomy that I heard someone talking about at the start of this season which is that if there isn’t anyone significant for a character to date and you’re not an original character your days on the show are numbered. The fact that they wrote Tom off after putting Teddy and Owen back together makes me even more sure that Meredith and Hayes are going to end up together and that their relationship will be a key plot point of Season 18.
If that wasn’t the plan, I don’t think Hayes would still be there. There have been episodes this season where he has been very prominent, episodes where he’s been completely absent, and episodes like this one where he has a few short scenes. He wouldn’t still be there hanging around in the background if the plan wasn’t to set him up with Meredith. To me the only explanation that makes sense is that they are going to put Meredith and Hayes together hopefully before Season 17 ends.
Side note, I bet all of the actors who passed on being Meredith’s love interest or backed out for a movie or tv role on a newer show probably feel real dumb right now. Grey’s is about to go into its 18th season and Richard Flood who plays Hayes is getting paid mad bank whether he’s prominently in the episode or not! Plus, he slays that role. While the path they took to get here was bumpy I’m so glad that we got Hayes as a character and we’ve gotten to see his relationship with Meredith develop.
I would have loved to see more of Hayes this episode. I was expecting a scene in which he visited Meredith and I was a bit disappointed we didn’t get that. I get that the focus of the episode was on Jackson’s departure, Meredith being discharged, and Tom’s epiphany, but it would have been nice to see that. The scenes we did get were great! I love his dry sense of humour and his comments about Jo’s terrible handwriting.
My favourite moment of the episode was hands down when Hayes came to clap out Meredith with everyone else and then Perez came out and they realized that she had snuck out early and Hayes laughed and said, "Nice one Grey, Brillant!" And then he wished everyone a good night and headed out. If Meredith isn't there, he's out. He’s not even trying to hide his feelings for Meredith anymore. It’s an open secret that he likes her and is clearly smitten. Hell, at this point I wouldn’t be surprised if the janitors have a group chat about it.
I love that he laughed about it like it was some big cosmic joke they were both in on. He knows her so well. Everyone else was confused and her sisters were worried when they didn’t hear from her, but Hayes wasn’t worried because he knew she’d snuck out the back and that someone must have helped her. Speaking of romance, I’m guessing that next season they will bring in a new Head of Plastic Surgery for Jo to date. I feel like they will have more luck finding someone than they did when they tried to hire a new love interest for Meredith over the last few years because right now work is scarce.
Also, in the romance department Teddy and Owen are back together. I'm happy for them, but other than that I don't really have any strong feelings about it. I am happy that they seem to be good and that the fighting and long-drawn-out drama is over. I've never been a ride or die Teddy and Owen shipper, so I don't feel an emotional rush seeing them back together. I loved Tom and Teddy together so I'm sorry that ended especially since Teddy and Owen have always been such a mess.
I think that they should have spent less time fighting and more time rebuilding their friendship before getting back together. We spent the first half of the season watching them fight non-stop and Owen made it clear he wanted nothing to do with Teddy ever again. Teddy treated Tom like crap while trying to win Owen back who clearly didn’t want her. While I’m glad they have reconciled, and the drama appears to be over I wish they had spent less time on the fighting and more time on exploring Teddy’s trauma and having them rebuild their friendship if that was the route they were going to go.
We also get more details about Maggie and Winston’s wedding this episode. I posited on Twitter a few days ago that I thought Maggie might ask both her dads Bill and Richard to walk her down the aisle as she'd want to include both of them in the ceremony. I think having Bill walk her down the aisle and Richard officiate is lovely. It reminds me of when Bailey stepped up to officiate Callie and Arizona's wedding.
I’d like to see more interactions between Meredith and Winston and Meredith and Link in the future as both men have become a part of the family largely while Meredith was sick so it would be great to see them get to know each other and bond. I really loved the scene between Winston, Link, and Owen where Winston was trying to figure out if Teddy and Owen were back together and Winston and Owen were teasing Link about the Sister House. It’s nice to see them all bond. It would be even better if they would all have more scenes with Hayes and for them to bond as well. I hope to see more of that next season.
I get why Link wants to get out of the Sister House, but I think he was a bit unrealistic about the situation. Meredith just got discharged. Amelia and Maggie aren’t going to want to leave her side until she tells them she’s ready and it’s okay for them to go and take a step back. I foresee them going with a hybrid approach next season where Maggie and Winston move to his place following the wedding and Link, Amelia, and Scout move to Link's place, but they still spend time at Meredith's house frequently. I imagine after being away from her kids for so long at some point Meredith is going to want her house back and to spend time alone with her kids.
I'm interested to see Meredith talk about her time on the beach in the upcoming episodes. Richard and Bailey were struggling to figure out how to tell her about DeLuca’s death but we the audience knew that Meredith already knew he had died. When she coded previously, and Ellis Grey passed away the first words out of her mouth were about her mother being dead. But here we see something different. When Meredith wakes up this season the first words out of her mouth are about how much she and Derek love Zola. She uses the word ‘we’ so the audience knows what she’s talking about, but the characters don’t.
It appears that at least a week has passed since the previous episode possibly two and we learn that Meredith hasn’t brought up her time on the beach or her visits from the dead to anyone. I think that she’s keeping that to herself for a few reasons. She didn’t want to leave the beach and telling that to the people who just spend the past three months trying desperately to save her life would probably come across as suicidal and upsetting. The conversations between her and Derek were personal and private, and she may not be ready to share them just yet.
Her conversations with George, Lexie, and Mark were also pretty personal so she might not be ready to talk about that either. In this episode we see her tell Bailey and Richard that DeLuca is okay because he’s with his mother. The scene cuts away, so we don’t know what else she tells them. Hopefully we’ll find out next week. My guess is that the first person she’ll talk to about the beach in the following episodes will be Hayes because he will understand her desire to stay because of how he lost his wife.
He won’t see her desire to stay on the beach as suicidal or crazy because he would probably think about doing the same thing if given the opportunity. We saw Meredith be really vulnerable with Hayes when she first got sick about her fears of dying and falling asleep. They’ve talked at length about their spouses and their past relationships in a way she hasn’t with other characters. I feel like he is the perfect person to talk to about what happened on the beach because he won’t judge Meredith or take her desire to stay personally.
They’ve already established that Hayes is a supportive and understanding person who is happy to sit there and listen to Meredith talk about her experience of dating after death and past relationships and so I think he’s someone Meredith can open to about what it was like to see Derek again, what it was like to realize her ex-boyfriend was dying, what is what like to get closure with George, and gain wisdom from Lexie and Mark. I’m hoping that will happen in next week’s episode and if not in the finale.
We saw Helm having a tough time this episode. I think Helm moving in with Levi and Jo is a good idea. I think it will give Helm the support she needs and I'm glad Levi is there for her. We haven't seen Jo and Helm interact much so far, so I'm interested to see how Jo is going to feel about her moving in. Also, where is Helm going to sleep? Jo and Levi live in a one room loft where Jo sleeps in a large bed and Levi sleeps on the couch. I would have liked to have seen more scenes along the way building up to this as Levi and Helm haven't had a scene all season and now right at the end you see him trying to help her. I also really miss Parker as a character. I wish they brought him back as well as Helm.
Something I didn’t like was that they seem to be focusing on DeLuca, his death, and his absence more than they should. I get that the writers and people behind the scenes liked the actor who played him, but the character himself was pretty widely detested by the other characters for seasons 15 and 16 so having them talk about him like he was such a great guy that everyone was super close to and that they all miss feels hollow to me and kind of annoying.
DeLuca and Meredith were not that close. They weren’t friends and rarely had a scene together prior to Season 15. They stopped talking entirely after he broke up with her in Season 16 and they weren’t friends when he died. So, talking about how he would have been so happy for her and one of the first people to cheer her on is strange. Also, I felt like Jo’s comments to Carina were out of place. I get that when someone dies its customary to say nice things about them to their family and Carina is mentoring Jo and she’s grateful for that, but DeLuca was god awful to her.
They become really good friends after Alex attacked him but then they stopped being friends when she got back together with Alex. They stopped having scenes together after that until he took an interest in Meredith at which time Jo and Alex both made it abundantly clear to his face and behind his back that they disliked him, and they hated the idea of him and Meredith together. All he did was antagonize both of them during seasons 15 and 16 for absolutely no reason and then after Alex left DeLuca walked up to Jo at the Emerald City Bar touched her without her consent and attempted to kiss her and get her to sleep with him to the point that she wound up throwing a drink in his face to get him to leave her alone.
He then told the bartender she was crazy after she told him to get some help. That’s sexual assault and attempted rape and DeLuca should have gone to jail for what he did. Instead we never see it addressed, he never apologizes, and they don’t share a single together after that. My hope is that they will finally moving on from talking about DeLuca and his absence next season. It’s getting a bit ridiculous at this point and it’s time to move on.
Onto next week’s promo! We don’t get a lot of information from this one. We see Bailey talking about how she’s losing surgeons left, right, and centre and she can’t afford to lose anymore and Meredith talking about how she can’t operate if she can’t stand on her feet. She’s worried she might never get back to operating, but this is Grey’s Anatomy so we know she will. Link talks to Amelia about wanting more children which considering that Scout is only a few months old and they couldn’t wait to get out of the house full of children just last week is a terrible idea. Link finally calls Jo on the fact that she clearly wants to adopt Luna who promptly codes! Yikes!
Until next time!
#grey's anatomy#meredith grey#cormac Hayes#winston ndugu#maggie pierce#jackson avery#jo wilson#zander perez#richard webber#miranda bailey#amelia shepherd#atticus lincoln#tom koracick#teddy altman#owen hunt#carina deluca#taryn helm#levi schmitt#james chee#indigenous#17x15#tradition#season 17#grey's spoilers
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My Sweet Joy, Always Remember Me
Chapter one of one
Words: 8715
Summary: In the midst of quarantine, Levi convinces Jo to download Tik Tok, and she quickly becomes addicted. So when a certain trend comes around, Jo couldn't pass up the opportunity to poke fun at the man who left her. Back in Kansas, one of Alex's teenage patients shows him the video of Jo and Luna, and he instantly goes back to Seattle to meet the girl he assumes is his daughter, only to find that Jo has another surprise in store for him.
Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy
Relationship: Alex Karev/Jo Wilson.
Characters: Alex Karev, Jo Wilson, Levi Schmitt, Luna Ashton, Izzie Stevens (Mentioned), Eli Stevens (Mentioned), and Alexis Stevens (Mentioned).
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences.
Additional Tags: Angst and Fluff, Babies, Pregnancy, Tik Tok, The Intimacy of napping together, Rated T for swearing.
Read at AO3
Read at FFN
AN: Did I write a fic about a Tik Tok? Yes. Do I regret it? Absolutely not! Link to the Tik Tok this is based on: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMebyxQeQ/
A big thank you to the jolex group chat for once again distracting me from what I should be writing with ideas of what I could be writing. They supplied some of the lines and ideas for this story, and I am thankful for all of their help and support.
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It was a slow June day on the Pediatric Ward at the Children's Hospital where Alex worked in Kansas City. Ever since the pandemic, things had slowed down, although he still had his regular surgical patients.
“Hey Marco,” Alex said, coming into the room of the teenage patient. He had assisted in a leg amputation due to cancer on the kid a few days ago and was eager to see how he was progressing.
“Hey, Dr. Alex, do you have Tik Tok?” Marco asked as he still looked at his phone but even bothered to glance at Alex as those little clips of music played.
“Nope,” Alex said as he checked over the kid’s vitals and pulled the bandage back to look at the incision. “Everything looks good. Are you having any pain?”
“Not really, you guys got me on the good stuff,” Marco replied, giving him a nod as his mask hid his smile, and Alex could tell that he was a little bit out of it. “Okay, but you have got to see this one. I think it's you?”
Alex's eyebrows came together. He didn't know anybody in his life that would make a Tik Tok of him. Except maybe Zola, but according to Meredith, she mostly just made dance videos. Nonetheless, he went over to Marco’s bedside and waited for him to pull up the video expecting to see Zola. Alex was, however, surprised when a video of him and Jo popped up.
“I'll never forget you,” the artist sang over the video. “They said we'd never make it.”
The video was of the two of them on their wedding day as they kissed and then turned to the crowd, all smiles, and the little caption read. “To the man who left me in a letter, thanks for the gift.”
The video changed and suddenly, it was a video of Jo sitting in a rocker in the loft holding a baby. She smiled at the camera before tilting it down to the baby in her arms, who looked up at the camera with newborn colored big blue eyes from where she was swaddled in a pink blanket.
“My sweet joy, always remember me.”
“Sorry, man,” Marco said, having read the expression on Alex's face. “The videos are funny but, it's a sucky way to find out you got a kid.”
Alex just stood there in shock as the video replayed again before he grabbed the phone. He waited for the video of her and the baby to play again before he paused it. He couldn't believe it. Jo had their daughter. She must have been pregnant when he left. Jo had gone through a pregnancy, and high-risk preterm labor, and now she was taking care of a medically fragile preemie, their preemie baby girl, all alone. All because he had made the dumbass decision to move to Kansas without even talking to her. Because he had left, Jo and their daughter were alone.
Their preemie daughter. The baby girl didn't look very big, she was definitely a preemie, and she was still on supplemental oxygen with oxygen cannula tubes in her nose. His mind filled with the possibilities of any health complications their daughter could’ve had, from brain bleeds, lung issues, hip dysplasia, or congestive heart failure, and so on.
Why didn’t Meredith tell him? Although, they hadn’t spoken since he left. Of all the people he thought would tell him if he had a daughter, Meredith was at the top of his list. He understood why Jo didn't want to tell him, although the fact that she didn't still hurt. The fact that Meredith, his best friend in the world, didn't tell him that he had a daughter, hurt even more. A sense of karma came over him as he wondered if this was how Jo felt when she found out about the twins.
He let the video reply again and stopped it on Jo and the baby. Jo was dressed in a tie-dye T-shirt with her hair thrown up in a bun. She looked tired but happy as she showed off the baby in her arms. Alex thought she was absolutely beautiful, as beautiful as she looked the day he said goodbye to her.
He remembered what she looked like when he turned back to look at her, one last time, after he made it through security. Her dark hair was flowing over her shoulders in beautiful waves, and she had a gorgeous smile on her face. She excitedly waved to him and blew him a kiss before the crowd surrounded him, and she disappeared from his view. The image of her smile as she blew him a kiss had replayed in his mind over and over again the past six months.
He just stared at the photo of her for a couple of minutes as the ache in his heart consumed him. He had a heartache, a longing for her since he left, and he had carried it around every day. He missed her more than he had ever missed anyone. He missed her more than words could describe. He missed her more than anything else in this world and every day, he fought the urge to go back to her.
Now he had a reason to go back because she had had their daughter. Their beautiful, wonderful little girl. She already looked a little bit like Alexis with her little tuffs of blond hair. Alex couldn't stop staring at them in the video. He tried to quickly do the math, he had left six months ago so, but she must have been pregnant before then, although the baby looked small, about 5 lb or so. It was June now, so Jo had to have gotten pregnant in November or October. Maybe she knew before he left, maybe she didn’t. They were so focused on arranging the witnesses for Meredith’s trial, and he was so busy working at Pac North before he left. Some days he barely saw her except for when he crawled into bed.
That was the thing that he regretted most, that he didn't spend enough time with her, which was why, the week after Meredith’s trial, before he left, he spent as much time with Jo as he could. He visited her on her lunch breaks, he was there when she got home, he made dinner with her, and watched TV with her on the couch, and he made love to her every night. At the time, he had lied and said it was so he could spend as much time with her before he went to visit his mom, but he wanted one last perfect week with her before he broke both of their hearts. The memories of that week, of Jo’s beautiful smile, were something he thought fondly of as he slept alone in his one-bedroom apartment.
“Can I have my phone back now? I can send you the video if you want?” Marco said as his words brought Alex out of his head.
“Umm yeah,” Alex said as he handed the phone back to Marco, still in shock at the fact that he and Jo had a daughter. “Please send that to me.”
He was absolutely floored at the fact that Jo had had their baby, as Marco sent him the video. Alex quickly clicked on it and downloaded the app as his feet carried him out of the room. As he waited for the app to download, he wondered if Jo had posted any other videos. As he found a quiet spot in the halls, the app loaded, and he clicked the link and followed the icon to Jo's page. There he was greeted with a handful of videos. Some of them were of Jo dancing with Levi or by herself, but there were one or two videos of their daughter.
One was of their daughter, which was a series of photos to the song, you're my sunshine. The photos started off when the baby was in the incubator, looking no bigger than his hand, and Alex guessed that she was about 26 weeks old. Alex looked over every photo, every video of the little girl. He was so distracted by the photos and the videos of the baby that he almost ran into a nurse. Alex quickly apologized before he came out of his daze.
He had to go back to Seattle. He had to see Jo and their daughter. He had to be there for them. He had missed so much of her life already, including Jo’s pregnancy and her first breath, her first days of life, and he was filled with guilt and regret. Alex ran over to the lounge to get his things, cleaning out his locker while he quickly called the chief of surgery and quit on the spot. Alex hated this job anyway, he loved the kids, and he wanted to make sure that his patients, including Marco, were okay, but he needed to go home.
Alex rushed over to the apartment he had in Kansas City. He had been staying there since the start of the pandemic. He and Izzie had agreed that since he was still working in direct contact with patients at the hospital, he would move out and get a separate apartment as they didn't want to risk transmitting this to the kids. Izzie had stayed home with the twins as with her job in oncology, she could do mostly remote consults, with only having to go on to the clinic on an as-needed basis with covid negative patients. Alex had been video chatting with them every single night and had distance visits with them at the park every Saturday and Sunday. Although, he had been considering getting his own place since before the pandemic started. He thought that he could make it work with Izzie, but the two of them were never in love.
It only made his homesickness all that much harder, and the urge to go back to Seattle all that much larger. The one thing Alex had realized during this pandemic was that he didn't have to be in Kansas to be a good dad to his kids. He could see them part-time and visit them on the weekend, and he could do that from Seattle. Lord knows he was rich enough to fly out every weekend. He had made up his mind as he packed up his car with everything he would need to move back to Seattle. Alex got in his car, setting his GPS for the address of the loft in Seattle. As he drove past the endless crop fields, he smiled in anticipation of soon seeing their daughter and his wife, it never did feel right to call her his ex-wife.
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Going back to Seattle was like coming home. Everything was so familiar in Seattle, whereas everything had been so foreign in Kansas, even though he had been there for months. The drive over to the Loft was just muscle memory as he allowed himself to enjoy his surroundings. The thought of seeing Jo and his daughter filled him with excitement, despite how he knew that Jo may not be happy to see him. He hoped that she would at least let him meet his daughter, and then maybe they could work out a schedule where he could see her.
As he pulled up to the Loft, he couldn't help but sigh in relief. He was home. For the first time since he left, he was home. He had stopped back at the hospital and had tested negative before he left for Seattle as he knew with a medically fragile child, he would have to be extra careful. Still, he grabbed a mask and hoped that he would at least get to hold her.
He ran into the apartment complex and took the stairs two at a time up to the metal gate that led to the laundry room. It was locked, as usual, so he used his key but stopped in front of the familiar red door. He paused and knocked because although it had once been his home, it wasn't anymore, and Jo earned as much privacy as she wanted. Alex heard wrestling and footsteps with muffled voices until the door slid open, but instead of Jo on the other side, he was greeted with Schmitt in a grey mask.
“Oh boy,” Levi said, before he turned around, and Alex followed his gaze until his eyes landed on Jo holding their baby.
For a second, he froze as he stared at her. There she was, standing before him, no longer a memory but real. She looked better than the photos and videos he had seen, even as she looked tired with her hair up in a messy bun. She was wearing his grey Iowa Hawkeyes t-shirt, which definitely had spit up on it despite the burp cloth thrown over her shoulder.
The little girl was dressed in a blue onesie with pink flowers and green leaves, and she had a matching bow on her head. She also had the oxygen cannula tubs taped to her cheeks and had the heart and oxygen saturation monitor wires trailing down to the floor. Jo’s lips were parted as she stared at him. Alex wanted to take a step forward, to go to her, to see their baby in her arms with his own eyes, but he kept his feet planted in the entryway as he just stared at them. The girl that was possibly his daughter and his wife.
As he thought about it more and more throughout the long drive from Kansas to Seattle, he questioned whether this baby was truly his. However, the video was pretty damning evidence. Then again, Jo had always had such a soft spot for the little orphan NICU babies, and sometimes he joked about her adopting one, so maybe she finally did. Somewhere in Montana, he thought about turning around and going back or just calling Meredith and demanding an answer, but he couldn't bear the thought of going back to Kansas. He knew he belonged in Seattle, regardless of whether she had Jo or a daughter.
“Is she, is she mine?” Alex asked, finally finding his voice.
“No,” Jo said with a shake of her head as she looked over at Levi. He went back over to her and she quickly transferred the baby into his arms. Alex was confused at first until Jo pulled up the T-shirt to reveal her rounded pregnant stomach. “But this one is.”
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From the moment Jo laid eyes on Alex, all she could do was stare at him. She felt relief that he was finally home. He was finally going to meet the child growing inside of her. He would be there for her and for their child. Alex was finally home. Yet, the relief and excitement faded as reality set in. She felt so betrayed because he had left without a single thought to her, nor the child growing inside her.
He seemed to stare at her as she handed Luna off to Levi. She put a hand on her belly as she felt her baby kick again. From the moment she laid eyes on Alex, the baby had done flip flops inside of her as if they could sense that their father was near.
Alex still seemed to be in shock, but so was she. Jo didn't even know why he would assume that Luna was his. Nor why he didn't already know she was pregnant, especially after she had left so many calls, voicemails, and text that had gone unanswered. He was back, but only for their child, not for her. Yet, seeing as they were one in the same for now, Jo knew that she owed it to her child to allow their father into their life.
“We should talk,” Jo said as she finally let her shirt drop before she walked towards Alex.
Alex just nodded as he continued to stare at her. His eyes flashed between her face and her belly, looking at her and their unborn child. He finally seemed to come back to reality and looked around the room, his eyes glancing at Levi and Luna.
“Is this a good place to talk? I tested negative before I left, and I drove straight here from Kansas. I haven't seen anyone since I left two days ago,” Alex seemed so unsure and so worried as he looked at her. It was so strange to see it on the man she knew was always so confident even while groveling with her.
“I can take Luna for a drive, it might help her fall asleep anyway?” Levi offered, already moving around. He gathered Luna’s things to transfer her oxygen to the portable tank they kept in a backpack by the door and placed her in the car seat.
Jo knew the loft had changed so much since he had left. It looked so different yet still the same where his weights used to be there was now a twin bed set up with a dresser and a few other things as Levi had moved in. Where the dining room was, there was now a crib, a dresser with a changing station, and a rocking chair where his lounger used to be. Next to a rocket-shaped shelf, a rocketship carpet completed the space themed Nursery that Jo had set up for Luna and their baby.
Alex seemed to watch her every move as Jo helped Levi get Luna in the car seat and send her off with a kiss and a wave. Levi gave her one last look, but Jo just gave him a nod before he closed the door behind him. She had been so thankful to have him around. Even in the midst of covid with everything else they all had going on in their lives. Between being pregnant and adopting Luna, he, Meredith, and Link had all been there for her. Jo had still felt so lonely because the one person that was supposed to be there wasn't.
She put a hand on her stomach as she felt the baby do flip flops inside of her, so she rubbed up and down. It always seemed to calm the anxious baby inside of her. Alex took a step forward, and his hand moved as if he wanted to reach out and touch her, but then his hand quickly dropped, and he just looked down at the floor. She wanted him to feel their baby, but she could tell that he was hesitant to touch her again.
Jo went over to the couch, their couch. The one that she bought for him, that they had spent countless nights on together. She fell in love with him on this couch, she made love to him on this couch, hell she was pretty sure they made the baby on this couch. She sat down on one end and moved away the pile of Luna’s laundry and the extra pillows and blankets to create a space for both of them. She wasn’t sure she was ready to have him so close, but it was just instinct and habit and the love she would always have for him. Jo patted the spot she made for him next to her as he slowly made his way over to her.
He still seemed to be a little weary, and she could tell that he was nervous as he sat down next to her, and looked at her bump. “How far along are you?”
Jo knew he was asking just to be sure, but she guessed that he had already done the math in his head. “24 weeks as of yesterday.”
“Are you, are they, are you both healthy?” Alex asked as he rubbed his hands up and down his pant legs as he tried to find something to do with his restless hands.
“Yeah, we're both fine, she’s measuring big, but Carina says we've got the dates right. She looked perfect at the 20-week anatomy scan and at the ultrasound I had a few days ago,” Jo said with a nod as she continued to rub her belly up and down.
“She, it's a girl?” Alex asked, catching her words as he looked up at her with a little bit of a smile.
“Yeah,” Jo said, watching his smile as his eyes seemed to light up. “It's a girl.”
Alex looked so happy and his eyes were bright as he laughed. It was the expression she imagined he would have when she told him she was pregnant. She was happy to see how excited he was for their daughter. He reached out again and put his hand on her belly. She remembered the way that he pulled her in for their first kiss and the shock of electricity between them. It had been pulling them together ever since. She felt that shock now and she knew Alex felt it too as he looked up and briefly caught her eye before he looked down at his hands again. His hands on her body for the first time in six months were an instant comfort. She immediately relaxed as she moved his hand to where the baby was kicking. As his hand settled, his thumb absentmindedly rubbed her belly and Jo relaxed further back into the couch.
“Hi baby girl, it's your Daddy. I'm so excited to meet you,” Alex said, letting out a little laugh as she kicked his hand and he leaned down to kiss her belly without even a second thought.
This was how it was meant to be, the two of them, together for this pregnancy. For a moment, Jo pretended that he had never left.
“She's strong like you,” Alex said, looking up at her as the baby continued to kick his hand. “And like Alexis too. She'll climb anything and she runs all over the farm.”
At the mention of his children, Jo immediately froze up. She didn't resent them, but they were the reason why he left. They were a constant reminder that she was in this alone. Alex felt the tension in her body as his thumb stopped moving and he looked up at her.
“Jo, I know I left, and I'm sorry…”
“No,” Jo said, instantly getting up and putting some space between them. “You don't get to do that. You don't get to try and walk it all back with I'm sorry. You left me, Alex.”
The tears instantly spring into her eyes as she began to cry, and her breath hitched as she tried to inhale. She just felt so broken, so hurt by everything that he did. Alex just looked up at her with his big puppy dog eyes. He gave her the same eyes in the front yard of Amelia and Owen's house all those years ago after he assaulted Deluca. She knows that he had grown up again since then, but after what he did, she doesn't know how things could ever go back to how they were before.
“After everything we've been through, after you promised me again and again, every day that we were together, that you would never leave and then you left!” Jo said, her voice rising as she yelled at him. “You left me pregnant, and alone, and scared. I called your mom and I knew that you weren't in Iowa. You didn't return any of my calls or my texts. You didn't even text Meredith back. I thought you were dead or that worse, that you were cheating on me, and then to find out that you were cheating, it broke me, Alex! But I couldn't let it break me because I was pregnant, and I had to keep it together for our child, and I did. You left and I, I carried on. I went to work, I went to my doctor's appointment, I built a nursery, and I got support from our friends, but not from you. I did everything without you. I am so furious at you for leaving. I am so hurt that you cheated on me. I am so broken because you left. You ignored me and you ignored our daughter. I am more hurt for them than I am for myself because they didn't ask for any of this. I get you leaving to be with your kids, but you had a kid here with me, and you ignored her. I sent you texts and photos and calls and emails, I sent you a freaking letter Alex, and you just ignored all of it!”
“What? Wait, Jo, hold up,” Alex said, standing up and shaking his head as he closed his eyes. “What phone calls, what letters, what texts, I haven't heard from you in months. The last text I got from you was a week after I left asking me if I was okay and how my mom was doing?”
Jo paused, gently wiping away her tears as she just stared at him as confused as he was. There was no way he was lying to her. He looked so genuine and Jo knew that regardless, Alex would never lie to her. She knew him almost as well as she knew herself. Alex Karev was many things, but he wasn't a liar. He dropped everything to be there for his and Izzy's kids and she knew he would never ignore his daughter with her.
“When you stopped returning my calls, I got worried. As soon as I found out that I was pregnant, I called you, and when you didn't pick up, I sent you a photo of the pregnancy test and then later of the ultrasound photo. I left you voicemail after voicemail, and I kept texting you, right up until I got your letter and the divorce papers, back in early February. I sent them back to you with a letter telling you that I was pregnant. When you didn't reply, I thought, I don't know.”
“Jo, I swear to you I never got any of your phone calls or your texts, or the letter, look, check my phone if you don't believe me,” Alex said, as he looked at her holding his phone out to her and she knew without having to see it, he was telling the truth.
Regardless, Jo took the phone and opened it up. The lock screen was a picture of Alexis and Eli. She paused as she stared at them. She had never seen a photo of them before, but the second she did, she knew they were Alex’s kids. Eli was the spitting image of his father and Alexis had his eyes and his smile. They were so beautiful, and she knew that he had instantly fallen in love with them the moment he had seen them because she fell a little bit in love with them too. The two little mini Karevs staring up at her were absolutely adorable and innocent in all this.
Jo put in the password that was still the same and quickly scrolled through his text until she found her name. Sure enough, there was the text that she had sent months ago, asking about Helen, and then nothing. She clicked on the little sidebar and quickly discovered the reason why.
“You blocked me,” Jo said, crossing her arms as she handed the phone back to him.
“What? Alex asked, his eyebrow shot up in surprise as he looked at the phone. “I swear I didn't.”
“If not you, then who? Your other ex-wife or your current wife or girlfriend or whatever the hell she is to you,” Jo couldn't help the malice in her voice and the hatred she had for the woman who had torn them apart with her actions. She was so angry at them both, but especially Alex as he was her husband, and he had made the choice to cheat on her.
“Izzie, fuck,” Alex said as he turned away from her and let out a cry of frustration. “I knew it was weird when I hadn't heard from you. She said it was for the best, but I knew, I knew you wouldn't just stop texting me, but then I thought that maybe you figured it out already, and I don't know.”
He clenched his jaw and looked like he wanted to throw or kick something. Jo grabbed one of Luna’s stuffed animals from the couch and held it out to him. He looked back at her with soft eyes as they both remembered when they used to throw things at the wall together. That memory seemed like a lifetime ago. Alex grabbed the toy and threw it against the wall. It made a satisfying clunk as it hit the metal doors of the cabinet. Alex let out a heavy sigh, having gotten all his frustration out before he sat back down on the couch.
“I tried to teach that technique to Eli and Alexis, but Izzie blew up on me for it. She said it would teach them to be violent and throw things, but honestly, it's the only thing that ever calmed me down. You were the only one who understood my anger,” Alex said as he looked over at her before shaking his head and looking away. “This whole situation it's so messed up. It was all a mistake.”
Jo looked down at the situation in her belly as her baby kicked her hand again. This whole thing was a mess. She didn't want to put Alex in the same position that Izzie had, having to choose between the life that he loved and his responsibilities to his child.
“Look, Alex, we’re fine. We're both doing fine without you. When you left, I stepped up and I figured out how to do this on my own. I've done everything alone, and you know what, I'm pretty damn good at it. So good that when I fell in love with Luna, I didn't even think twice about applying to adopt her and becoming her foster mom. I'm good on my own. I can raise our daughter without you.”
“But you don't have to, Jo. I want to be there for you and for our daughter, for all of it, I want to be on the phone with you for all your appointments, and I want you to hold my hand while you're in labor and screaming at me for knocking you up. I want to be there for our daughter's first breath and when she starts walking and talking. From her first day of school to when she graduates and goes off to college and every sleepless night in between. I want to be there for you and for her,” Alex said as he pleaded with her, all but begging on his knees for her. “I am so sorry, Jo. I swear to God, I didn't know that you were pregnant. The other day this kid showed me this Tik Tok of you and Luna with a photo of me saying that I was her father. That's why I thought she was mine.”
Jo couldn't help the smile as she let out a little laugh and shook her head. “ I downloaded Tik Tok during the pandemic and kind of got hooked. I thought it would just be a funny video for our friends and I don't know. I guess a part of me did think that you would find it, or at least I hoped that you would.”
“If I had known and if I had seen your messages, I would have never....” Alex trailed off as he shook his head, looking down, still ashamed.
“Would you have left?” Jo asked, her voice just a whisper. She knew the answer, but she needed him to say it.
“Leaving Seattle was the worst mistake I've ever made,” Alex said, looking up with her voice and his eyes full of such hurt. “I love my kids, I do, but Kansas isn't my home. Izzie and I, we. I didn’t sleep with her while we were married, I want you to know that. However, once we were divorced, I did try to start a relationship with her, but we were so different she didn't get it. She didn’t get me, not like you do.”
As Alex talked just looked up at her, his eyes full of longing as he got up and came over to her. They were so close that Jo could smell the familiar scent of his cologne and she could see the sparks of gold in his eyes. Her body involuntarily relaxed as he got closer. She longed for him too. All she wanted was to be in his arms again, to wrap her own arms around his neck, to hold him and have him hold her. However, the distance they created between them kept them apart.
“And now, with the pandemic, I barely see them.” Alex continued with a shrug. “I live in a crappy one-bedroom apartment in Kansas City and it sucks. Izzie stays home with them and I only see them through video calls. They meet me at the park on the weekends, even then we stay six apart and they miss me, but they're okay without me. I'm not okay without you and I know you're not okay without me either.”
It's a bold statement, but they both know it’s the truth. Jo felt the tears collect in her eyes again as Alex mirrored her expression, looking about two seconds away from falling apart as well. Just the acknowledgment that she needs him, that he needs her, and that they need each other, was overwhelming.
“I never wanted to do this without you. Every time we talked about kids, I was so terrified, but I knew that I could do it if I had you by my side. When you left, I realized that I could do this regardless, but I don't want to do it alone. I don't want to do any of this without you.”
Jo dissolved into a mess of tears as they streamed down her face. Alex took a quick step forward and he wrapped his arms around her as she truly fell apart. She fell apart in Alex's arms and buried her head in his shoulder, feeling the warmth of his body and feeling his lips against her head. His arms instantly wrapped around her waist and it was everything she had wanted for the past six months. It was in that moment she realized that Alex was truly back. She cried even harder, especially as she felt his chest shake under her as his body was wracked with sobs of his own.
Alex pulled her over to the couch and she sat on his lap as he wrapped his arms around her. They just sat together and cried. Eventually, they cried themselves out and just sat together in silence. Jo curled her fingers into his shirts and pressed her forehead against his shoulder. Alex ran his fingers through her hair like he always used to do as his other hand rested on her belly, feeling their baby move under his hand. She inhaled the sweet scent of his cologne and felt completely surrounded by him. For the first time and six months, Jo felt like she could breathe again.
Everything was how it was always supposed to be. Even if it was just for a moment, it was like a spell had been cast upon them, freezing them in time and allowing them to have just this moment together. Between being pregnant and having a newborn, Jo was exhausted, and she knew Alex hadn't slept since he left Kansas. They both fell asleep in each other's arms on their couch, truly resting for the first time in six months.
They must have slept for a few hours as by the time they woke up, the sun was low on the horizon, streaming golden beams in through the windows. For a moment, Jo pushed away the harsh memories as she woke up in Alex's arms. She pressed her nose into his neck and he seemed to forget it too as he laid a kiss on her forehead. They heard the door squeak open and finally got up. Jo could feel Levi’s eyes on them, but he didn't say anything about it.
“So we went for a little car ride, but she took a nap. Then after she woke up, I took her to the park, and we just watched the birds and sat on the grass and hung out,” Levi said as he lifted Luna out of her car seat and Jo greeted her girl. “I had some ice cream, and Luna had her bottle. She ate about 3 oz and then proceeded to spit up all over me.”
“Oh did you have fun with Uncle Levi at the park,” Jo cooed at Luna as she held her close and pressed a kiss to her little head before inhaling her sweet baby scent.
Levi moved to transfer Lunas oxygen tubes back to her machine. They kept Luna’s oxygen machine next to the couch on the side of her nursery as the 25 ft. oxygen tubes allow them to move around her nursery, the living room, and even into the kitchen.
“Let me help,” Alex said as he stepped forward and quietly helped Levi set up the machine.
After they started a machine and sure that it was working, Levi escaped to the bathroom. He gave them one more look before he disappeared and turned on the fan as if to give them added privacy.
Luna seemed content as Jo smiled down at her oldest girl. Of all the hurt she’d had in the past six months, Luna had been a wonderful bright spot. Jo couldn't help but fall in love with her, especially after Val died. Jo felt the need to step up and take care of her. Besides, she couldn't imagine sending her into the foster care system, so she had started the process of adopting her. The baby in her belly made her a mother, but Luna made her a mom. She made Jo realize that she could do this, but as she looked over at Alex, she knew she didn't have to do this alone.
Alex leaned against the couch as he watched them with curiosity. As Jo turned around to look at him, he smiled at the little girl in her arms. She walked over to him as he tentatively stepped closer before Jo transferred Luna into his arms.
“Alex, this is Luna, my little liver baby,” Jo said, smiling down at Luna with such affection as she rubbed her thumb over Luna’s cheek. “She grew on the liver of a patient that came into the ER. I operated on her mom, Val, and Carina delivered her. When Val didn't make it, I decided to adopt her. It was kind of impulsive, but I just looked at her, and I knew that she was mine. She came home with me a few weeks ago. She loves the little star mobile that I hung above her crib, and she only falls asleep to the Twinkle Twinkle Little Star song. She hates bath time and loves snuggles, so I babywear her all the time. I talked to her, and she just stares at me, but I know that she’s listening. I love her so much and she's just, she’s perfect.”
Alex just stared at her, taking in her words with a large smile before he looked down at Luna. She waved her arms up at him, reaching out for him as he reached down to grab her finger and shook her little hand. “It's nice to meet you, Miss. Luna. I'm Alex, I'm your Sissy's dad, but I look forward to getting to know you as well.”
“Autumn, I was thinking of calling her Autumn, Attie for short, since I'm due in October,” Jo said, putting a hand on her belly and feeling her baby kick again.
“Autumn, that sounds perfect, and I guess I owe you full naming rights,” Alex said as he smiled back at her before looking down at Luna again and sticking his tongue out at her as she cooed.
There was something about seeing Alex with her daughter that was just so perfect, and After everything that had happened today, Jo found herself falling back in love with him again. It was one of the reasons why she fell in love with him in the first place because he was so good with the kids, and he was kind to her after he found out about her past. He was gentle, and kind, and understanding throughout this whole thing. He never once blamed her or tried the force his way back into her life. He just wanted to be there for her and his daughter. He was the Alex that she had fallen in love with. Although she knew, he was still the Alex that had left her.
Luna fussed and began to cry as Jo stepped forward to take her back. She waved her arms around and reached up and pulled out her oxygen cannulas as Jo cursed.
“How well does she do off oxygen?” Alex said, quickly moving to put the tubes back in her nose as he looked over at her oxygenation monitor. He swayed back and forth as Luna continued to fuss and throw her arms around.
“Okay, for about 20 minutes or so. She had a branchial cyst, so they had to resect part of her lung. Hayes thinks she’ll have to be on oxygen for a few more months or so,” Jo said as she went over to Luna’s dresser where she kept all of her medical equipment and grabbed the extra tape and things so they could redo the tape.
Alex set her down on the bed as Jo came back over. They worked together as Alex used the wipe to remove the stickiness for the existing tape while Jo held Luna’s arms to keep her from pulling it out again. Alex put the nose part in Luna’s nostrils before he gently taped down both sides of the tubes on her cheeks, and Jo adjusted the tubes positions. It wasn’t the first time they had redone an oxygen cannula together, and they worked as a team so effortlessly. It was the same way that they used to work together at the hospital.
As they finished, Jo picked up Luna and bounced her as she calmed down. With Luna now calm and content, Jo set her in the bassinet at the end of her bed. She just looked at him and felt a pull to him as she took a step towards him. Alex’s lips parted as she pressed up against him, as close as she could with her baby bump in between them. She reached out to put her hand on his cheek as he closed his eyes and tilted his head into her hand. She knew that he missed her touch as much as she missed him. Jo couldn’t help but wrap her arms around him as she leaned in for a kiss. They deepened the kiss as he wrapped his arm around her, and Jo moaned into his lips. Alex eagerly pressed his lips against her, and it was like coming home. Nothing about the Loft, or the hospital, or anything in Seattle had felt like home since Alex left, but his lips, they felt like home.
They didn't break apart until they heard the squeaky door to the bathroom open again as Levi appeared. Jo turned around and pressed her fingers to her lips as if it would keep the kiss on her skin. She glanced over at Levi as he looked between them and instantly read their body language. For someone who could never figure out if a guy liked him back, Levi sure as hell read Alex and Jo like a book.
“So I'm guessing you're back,” Levi asked, raising his eyebrows and looking between the two of them. “Does that mean you're staying here? Do I have to move out? Like I know I could move in with Taryn if I needed to, but we're in the middle of a pandemic and her roommate is really mean!”
Jo wasn't sure as she looked over at Alex, who just shrugged. “It's up to you, whatever you're comfortable with. I can get a hotel room or maybe stay with Meredith?”
“Well, I guess you can stay. Besides, I need someone to send out at 2:00 in the morning when I get a craving for burgers or when Luna runs out of diapers, but maybe you should sleep on the couch for now,” Jo said as she bit her lip as she looked over at him, but Alex just nodded.
Alex moved around the apartments as if he had never left as he began to make dinner for them. Jo picked up Luna again and sat down in the rocking chair in her nursery space as Levi started to help Alex relearn where everything was after he had organized the fridge. An easy banter started up between the three of them and Jo put a hand on her belly as Autumn started to do flip-flops again while Luna was the opposite as her eyes fluttered close. Jo held one of her daughters in her arms as she put her hand on her belly where her other daughter was. She looked up at her ex-husband and baby daddy as he made dinner with her gay best friend and little brother. It was the weirdest family dynamics she had ever had, but she was content.
……………………………………………………………………
Later that night, Jo stared up at the skylights. She had just gotten Luna back down after a bottle, and now she was trying to return to sleep herself. Yet, sleep evaded her and part of that was due to Autumn doing flips in her belly. She was currently swimming around like a little fish and keeping Jo up as they pressed against her organs. Jo took a deep breath, which quickly turned into a yawn before she realized she had to use the restroom. Her quick trip to the toilet only made Autumn more active. Jo sighed as she laid back down and she rubbed her belly up and down. This usually helped to calm Attie down, but tonight she must have felt particularly acrobatic as she moved around. Jo wasn't sure what she did, but suddenly, she felt a twinge of pain in her stomach as Autumn kicked her, hard.
“Aw fuck,” Jo swore as she rubbed her hand against her lower abdomen.
“Jo, you alright?”
She jumped and sat up as she looked over to see Alex sitting up on the couch. “Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. It's just the baby moving around and she kicked a little too hard. I'm not used to having to be quiet as Levi usually puts earplugs in at night, and Luna will sleep through anything.”
To her surprise, Alex just chuckled as he got up and came over to her, sitting next to her on the bed and putting his hands on her belly. “Hey, Attie, you be nice to your mom, yeah?”
Instantly the kicks in her belly became softer as Attie quieted down. Jo raised her eyebrows in surprise as she looked up at him. Throughout her pregnancy, no one had been able to get her to calm down so quickly.
“Wow, I can't believe that worked,” Jo said as Alex smiled, he pulled his hand away, but Attie’s kicking started up again, and she got Jo good in her kidneys as she cringed and held her side. “Or not.”
“Lay back,” Alex instructed as she complied and laid back down as he adopted that adorable grumpy look that she loved so much. He put his hands back on her belly and leaned forward to whisper to Autumn. “Hey you, I thought we agreed that you were going to be nice to your mom? It's been a long day, and she agreed to let my sorry ass stay with her. I think the least that you and I can do is let her get some rest.”
Instantly Attie calmed down to the sound of her father's voice and Alex looked up at her. He seemed so proud that he had gotten his daughter to calm down and looked up at her with a smile.
“Thank you,” Jo whispered, letting out a breath of relief.
“No problem, besides, it's the least I can do as I’m part of the reason why she's kicking you,” Alex said, as a soft look appeared on his face and he just seemed to stare at her for a moment.
She could tell that he was head over heels in love with her. She used to catch him with that look when she was on his service as an intern, and it was that same look he gave her when she met him at the end of the day when he worked at Pac North. It was the look he had given her all throughout their relationship and even on the day he left. After he walked through security, he turned around and gave her that look before he paused and waved at her before he disappeared into the crowd. Jo remembered that day like it was yesterday, just as she remembered the hurt of the letter that was still fresh in her heart.
After a moment, Alex got up again, but the second his hands left her belly, Autumn started up again, and Jo scrunched up her face, and she beckoned for him to come back. He instantly came back and put his hands on her belly. Once again, Autumn calmed back down as her hard kicks and flips became light flutters in her belly.
Jo let out a sigh as she reached out to grab his hand and gave it a squeeze. “Could you stay?”
“Are you sure?” Alex asked as he tilted his head just a little bit.
Jo just nodded because the truth was that she wasn't sure that she should let Alex back into her bed, but he seemed to be the only thing that calmed down their daughter. He crawled in bed behind her like he had done when they were together. As he moved back to his spot in the bed and laid behind her before he wrapped his arms around her to rest on her bump. She had missed being held by him like this. They were never one for cuddling, but she liked knowing that he was right there next to her. She missed the way that he used to roll over in the middle of the night and hold her close just for a moment.
Attie seemed to have calmed down for the night and Jo closed her eyes. Jo didn't know where they would go from there, but she trusted that he wasn’t going anywhere. She knew she shouldn't trust Alex again, but somehow she did. She always knew that he would be a good father and that it would be one of his best traits. He left her to be with his children, but a part of her knew that he wouldn't leave her child and, by extension, her. Jo would always allow Alex to love their daughter.
Alex seemed a little hesitant, but eventually, she felt him relax against her as he pressed a kissed her cheek just like he used to. Jo both loved it and hated it, as she felt a mixture of hurt and love for him right now. It wasn't something that she was unfamiliar with when she was with him. She knew there was still hurt and the need for healing, but the love was always there, and she wanted that love for her daughter. So she let him stay and fell asleep in his arms.
……………………………………………………………………
AN: This is absolutely just a one-shot, so don’t ask for a sequel.
#jo wilson#alex karev#grey's anatomy#jolex#otp: home and heart#grey's anatomy fanfic#levi schmitt#luna ashton#izzie stevens#alexis stevens#eli stevens#my work#my writing#my fanfiction#luna wilson
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