#bc she gets mad that i dont like the food
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I'm not joking, we eat this every Maundy Thursday.
My mum works as a cook in a fancy restaurant btw.
#😭#i ate a sandwich but i had to hide that i was making it#bc she gets mad that i dont like the food#well??????? 4 potatos is hardly a meal
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Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.
Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.
#my characters#waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit#deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee#and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name#deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c#man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while#he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair#ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so#its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons#but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me#and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not#fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew#and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable#while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts#and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed#so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en#so you know maybe its that idk#and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now#and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it#and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad#that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal#and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it#the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer#anyway story time in the tags again#im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note#its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him#he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times#and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea#and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you
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drawing my au sabitos- this ones swap au :)
I only really have 1 full scene for this au- and it started from me thinking him & Shinjuro both being depressed drinking buddies, lamenting about their deceased dark-haired beauties
When Sabito became a pillar he turned the water estate into a sort of training hub for all breath of water users, to try and help more people to mastery. He pretty regularly spars with people in his downtime, makes comments and tries coaching people from the sidelines very often
Most people are kinda weirded out by him- hes aggressive and stern, very snarky, but he never takes off the mask and it makes him look perpetually sad- sometimes he has this air of melancholy around him, listless, the mask fits in better when hes in those moods. But aside that hes usually very kind and genuinely tries to look out for the skayers under his roof, very hospitable as long as they stay out his shit.
So hes very well received, but no one has seen his face- ever. They have all kinds of rumors and theories about why he wears it, what his face looks like, what the mask is even supposed to mean. Some of the more daring(/disrespectful/immature) inahbitants try to sneak a look in the mornings before he puts it on- but he's always wide awake, sightless blue eyes of the mask staring them down from an inch away the moment they open it
Anyways, one day he's out in the yard sparring with a higher ranked slayer in front of a group doing their own training and whatnot too- theyre both intensely into it, movements hard to keep track of and training swords clashing so loud it echos in the area. The slayer accidentally aims at his mask, the mood changes with a sudden pressure in the air when Sabito deflects the swing and reaches towards them in a flash- a harsh grip in their hair and yanking them so theyre centimeters from his face
"Don't touch the fucking mask."
Everyone drops dead silent at the utter malice dripping through his tone, a moment passes as Sabito realizes what he did and lets go of their hair. He gently ruffles it and straightens his back instead of posturing over them
"I deeply apologize. ...I think i should call it a day." he says in an uncharictaristically quiet voice before putting his training sword up and going to his room
NO ONE bothers him for the rest of the day, or the day after, they give him plenty of space and try their best not to prod at him or tick him off like they usually do- the slayer who was sparring w him was scared shitless and tries their damndest to stay out of his way and not piss him off again. They've never seen him genuinely angry like that- he gets pissed off and annoyed plenty, daily even, but that sudden cold fury over the near hit of his mask was terrifying to witness.
#neros art tag#sabito#kny sabito#water pillar swap au#sabito bewoved :)#he became a pillar at the cusp of shinjuro ditching the hashira meetings altogether & was like just in time to become drinking buddies w hi#theyre quiet and dont talk abt themselves much even if they have Opinions abt eachother#shinjuro thinking hes tragic bc hes like. 17-18 drinking w an alcoholic on his days off and being as sad as he is at such a young age#meanwhile sabito thinks hes a sack of shit shirking his duties as a slayer to bringe drink & abuse his kids bc he thinks its all for nothin#They Do Not Talk About That#Kyojuro however loudly proclaims that he thinks sabito's a fucking weirdo being drinking buddies with his fucking DAD#Mitsuri just thinks its really sad and tries to cheer Sabito up whenever she sees him when hes sober & not planning to Not Be#he really appreciates it and eventually he accepts her invitations to food sometimes (w kyojuro of course)#first time they go Kyojuro gets mad @ him bc he ordered a drink for his food and he went full sass back at em#'unlike your father- i have the discipline to stop after 1 drink just to enjoy the flavor with my food.' he refrains from buying any#alcohol around them after that- which krojuro notices- and he kinda settles down abt sabito bc he also notices that he really is discipline#about everything he does- and hes actually pretty nice to chat with when hes not being sadboy silent drunk#Mitsuri develops a leeetle bit of a crush on him but kinda knows its *never* gonna be reciprocated bc of whoever#the mask and red haori originally belonged to#(also one time at brunch they ask abt his scar & the mask since he has to have it up some to eat#'its not related if thats what you're thinking- i couldnt care less about my face -but the mask is very important to me' with a little frow#he takes a bite and they politely stopped talking about the dead. Shinjuros the only one whos seen his entire face aside from Urokodaki tho#edit: fixed the hand it doesnt make me wanna cry anymore 👍
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you ever get so worried you do something wrong or be seen as rude but you didn’t know bc you’re autistic but if you say autistic they don’t see that as an excuse but if you don’t say you’re autistic, then they’ll just think you’re a rude person?? or-is that just me
YES YES ALL THE TIME. tbh i used to just say it but then this friend (ex friend) used to tell me i need to stop using my autism as “an excuse” even though i fully just saw it as an explanation. so now i get anxious about it way more
#i was freaking out like near my birthday bc one girl didnt like tell me if she was coming or not by the time i asked her to#and i had specific plans of like the amount of food i needed to get and how much room i needed to make to accomodate#(i live in a small apartment so i just had to figure out what furniture to rearrange)#and in the gc we were in (we were all in a play together+she was talking about it in the gc)#i was like hey you havent told me if youre coming or not and i asked you to tell me by like 3 days ago#and she apologized and then someone else said i was kinda mean about it#so i apologized to her and told her i was just stressed#but like with my autism i NEED to have things planned out exactly i fucking dont like surprises they stress me out so bad.#so i was just really really freaking out about it which in turn just made me mad at her#in short. yeah i get it GAJDNKD
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:^(
#feelin like a big lonely loser tonight teehe ^__^#thought maybe i had plans but then not n everyone else i asked didnt answer or had plans w other ppl too#n i had suggested a plans with stef but she never rlly confirmed or denied but i figured not plus im kinda sick now too but#also called her just to be like hi n i miss u bc idk im SICK n i hate being sick n the way she sounded was weird AaagghGGHHHHH#n im just now realizing maybe she also ended up doing plans w other ppl#just feels like nobody likes me i GUESS which is dramatic but . aagggghhghgh#to be fair a bit of a 180 from i love u so much lemme say it 50 times last night to i call her n say ilu n shes like uhh ok haha#anD I FEEL LIKE EVERYONES GIVING ME RLLY SHORT ANSWERS N LIKE#but i dont know if i have the energy to give a lot of. energy. ?? to expect it back? but its like#an endless cycle of feel bad so less energy or want to bug less so then deserve less in return anyway so feel worse#its kinda feeling like isolation time which i havent done in a hot minute but i tried so hard to get out of it but like . for what yknow#i got to talk to some ppl some more n meet some ppl but at the end of the day i still feel alone n alien teehee#but maybe im just bejng dramatic bc sick. and rsd with the Tones and ppl having Plans With Others#like its perfectly reasonable to have forgotten or just idk had better options or maybe bc i didnt say anything sooner buT . IDK. 😔🥺#im sick n i hate being sick n i want someone to take care of me ugh#instead i just kinda sat here. played some OW. got mad at OW. ordered pizza to engage in basically food self harm LOL n watched some#of a show ive been meanjng to watch. jts neat so far. but yeah now i just feel like shit i guess#idk how to like. not be insane. or like. ask ppl for like. idk. reassurance or smthn or. share feelings. without feeling like i am.... bad#for doing so or itll end poorly or its excess or burdensome or unreasonable. bc it kkinda is unreasonable but idk not entirely ig yknow#and i really need to shower but i especially dont want to now that i ate food bc id rather die than look at myself naked but yea#YEAH. IDK. i feel. like shit. and garbage. and i can almost see this as being the turning point to me sabotaging my ownnpotential future#whatever ive been slowly building that i just. end up giving up now.#god i wanna call stef or pidge or someone n... ig not even talk abt this bc i dont wanna be a bother but. just hear ppl. u_u#feel like i am wanted in the world slepflsjhggbjwjr#It's My Blog I'll Use It As A Diary / Thought Organizing Thing If I Want To !!!!
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ugh ughhhhhhh im hungry :( i grabbed our mostly empty bread loaf this morning since my brother was downstairs and i was panicked but it only had three slices and ive eaten them all and now im hungry.....when is that man leaving so i can have a decent meal in peace like what the hell. also i think theres something very very wrong with me mentally cause thats kind of fucked up :/
#I DONT HAVE AN ED...like at least not when it comes to weight except i feel bad when i lose weight.#so thats like the opposite of that. its just that whenever my mum was mad at me id have to avoid her so id have to stay in my room and#i didnt know how long it was until she was Not Mad so it could be like a few days to like a week or so. and obviously i couldnt make proper#meals cause if shes downstairs then that sucks#and i didnt want to eat dinner so id just say i wasnt hungry and then be hungry lol. but also when she cooked it was always stuff i couldnt#stand. either like i dont like it or it was just horrible texture or whatever else.#and so obviously id always default to grabbing whatever i can and stashing it in my room. which was a problem cause obviouslly its not heal#healthy stuff. or its like snack food that gets depleted fast and then i get in trouble for it. and im not living there anymore but its#carried over and idk i always feel embarressed to eat. like people will judge me if i eat. cause i can eat a lot! especially when im hungry#and i usually am! but then people are like wowww i cant believe you eat that much thats crazy#and god idk where im even going with this anymore i just have such a fucking issue with food like. its not even funny#and i cant even bring it up cause no one fucking cares!!!! no one in my family gives a shit to a genuine degree!!! it doesnt matter what#they say cause in the end you got issues and im mad that you have issues and were not talking about it bc i dont care#and its so fucking annoying
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I said “oh swag ?” to a cashier at the mall today 😭
#I went shopping w my mom and it was very fun even tho I feel like I take advantage of the fact that she likes to spend money#every time she got me smth I’d get like money or gift cards and get her to take them 😭#traded a 50 dollar gift card I got from a customer group for 2 bras I almost gutted myself over trying on#and I traded a Starbucks gift card for stuff from lush but we went crazy in there#the girl helping us was so cute every time I was like omg this smells so good she would take it and be like okay I’ll get you a sample#to take home :-) GIRL I DONT WANT TO GET YOU IN TROUBLE 😭#I hope lush girls make commission on sales she deserves it#and then we went and got a shower shelf thing I needed it so bad and then we went to her house and picked up my brother and got food#and I paid for all of it bc my mom spent too much on me and my brother is unemployed 💀#and then I cried on the way home bc someone hit a cat :-( like almost had to pull over sobbing but I didn’t I powered through 🥴#and then I immediately went home and tried to out my shelf up and got mad so my dad helped me dear god I am begging to become independent#so then I cleaned and changed sheets and took the best everything bc shower in the world#and I think we get to cook at summer school tomorrow I love being able to do fun stuff w my students#I wish I got to **** ** ***** but that’s okay I will soon I love being delusional#I love everyone I love people I love my friends I love you#I love my personal diary#my posts
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hejehge
#i cant wait to get out of this fucking house#still a few years until i can legally move out and even then i probably won’t be able to for a few more years bc of money#my dad gets mad at me for showing any emotion ever or being anything other than the perfect golden child#no one will fucking believe me that im autistic and disabled#i get fatigued from walking out of a fucking restaurant to the parking lot! look me in the eyes and tell me thats normal!#but just because im fat thats the reason for all my issues#thats why i have chronic pain and i just don’t exercise enough when they fucking know IM IN RECOVERY FOR ANOREXIA#and my dad wont stop talking about weight loss in front of me even when i ask him to stop because its triggering for me because im#just a fucking snowflake i guess#one time i asked him to stop talking about his diet or whatever when im around and he said no but i could use it myself! AND HE WONDERS WHY#IM FUCKING RELAPSING AGAIN#literally the past entire week i’ve just been repeating ‘no food is as harmful as an eating disorder’ bc its all that will fucking stop me#and he wont believe that i have tics for some reason so i have to fucking suppress them all around him if i dont want to get screamed at#and mid july of 2022 im still not vaccinated for covid. bc my dad is a conservative that doesnt give enough of a shit about me to get it#the only vaccinated person in my family is my mom and my dad didnt want her to get it either#but she says shes an adult so she has bodily autonomy#do i not fucking deserve that? do i not get bodily autonomy bc im a minor? fuck you#and i’ve told both my parents multiple times that i dont like when people touch me without permission except for my friends#ESPECIALLY ON MY FUCKING HIPS AND THIGHS AND ASS#BUT THEY DO IT ANYWAY BC THEY DONT GIVE A SHIT WHAT I WANT#i dont fucking care how shitty adulthood is i dont care aboyt the stresses it gives me i just want to be fucking out of here#i want to be out of here i want to be with people that fucking respect me like my parents don’t#i don’t want to be abused anymore i just want to feel safe in my own fucking home#and i feel like such a spoiled brat because i have everything i need given to me because im a fucking child but im complaining anyways and#logically i know i have every right to complain bc theyre not giving me privileges theyre givimg me basic human rights and even then only#some of them. i dont have fucjing bodily autonomy from the people i should be able to expect it from and i dont have respect or fucking love#the only thing keeping me fucking alive right now is the promise that one day i’ll get out of here#and its fucking terrifying knowing you’re relapsing into anorexia again but its so fucking hard to stop it#its got a fucking grip on me and its so fucking hard to get out of it#vent
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#idk what my mom's issue is#like obvi w my stomach issues i swing between eating halfway well and little to not at all#i got home saturday and said how well i'd done for the most part while i was gone in eating regular stuff and mom goes#'so you're just gonna eat whatever you want now?' in this semi snotty tone#idk how to interpret that bc it isnt like i was binging or anything? my safe food is ridiculously expensive and im not gonna#impose that on anyone else when food is being offered to me/im not somewhere where my food is readily available#like. i know what i can and cant eat.#yesterday the only 'bad' things i ate were half a waffle at brekkie and half a sandwich for lunch#and then today i got home and said i was hungry and she said 'really? you're hungry?' ma'am. ma'am i had a piece of pb toast for brekkie#a rice cake for break#like six bites of my leftover arroz con pollo at 12:30#thats it? sue me for wanting a granola bar...#like idk she pushes me to eat when i dont want to then gets mad if i express having any kind of appetite or want for food#make up your mind?#unhealthy eating habits#ed tw#< just in case?#chatters;#dl.txt
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i told my sister she should not cough so much when trying to throw up bc it can increase chances of aspiration, for more success she could start heaving from the stomach
"yeah well i dont know how to do that🙄"
what? heave? yse your abdominal muscles? are you fucking stupid?
#istg she comes home says shes sick and acts like she's never been sick a day in her life#she gets pissy when i offer advice bc what else tf am i supposed to do here#now she complains about no food being ready 'im so tired i was working all day then johanna wanted to hang out n get bubble tea' ok?#theres leftovers from the other day HEALTHY STUFF theres vegetables and chicken you can put in the fucking microwave 30 secs boom supper#and theres tuna i mixed with mayonnaise there on the counter and a baked potato on the stove for you do not fucking say that theres nothing#not when ive been the only one cooking here for more than just myself. every time she makes something for her supper im an afterthought#but the minute i dont make something for her (DVEN THOUGH I FUCKING DID) she gets pissed#im like a fucking maid in my own house and she complains about me#she got mad at me last night when i said 'my house' to my twin sisters friend bc 'my (sic) names on the bills' like bitch im paying you#for those still. and im listed as a tenant shut the fuck up. it IS my house. yes it's our house but it is still my house also#i clean this place i turn the heat up and down ive washed the dishes 8 out of 10 times im always making supper#i do the laundry i fold her shit too. the rare chance she does the laundry she never folds it and only takes her shit out the dryer#she did the laundry yesterday and oh whats this? all the clothes smell like rubber for some weird fucking reason im sick of her#she never does anything except buy groceries once in a while#all she does is go to her room when she gets home and thats it#funk's record log
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society
#i like going out nd spend all my money on little trinkets and tickets to places and food and dont regret it bcs memories are most important#but then i have no clothes budget which is also like Okay i have plenty of clothes im not in need im not nakey its fine#but then none of the clothes i have are like. super super super cool which is ok but then my mom gets mad cause i only have old clothes 😭#and then she gets me stuff and shes like 😑 i got u stuff and im like I TOLD YOU NOT TO I WANT YOU TO BUY STUFF FOR YOU AND NOT FOR ME#but basically thats how jocy ends with an eternal closet of skinny jeans and then feels bad even though i literally tell my parents over#and over DONT BUY ME NEW CLOTHES I DONT NEED THEM IT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPIER IF YOU GOT YOURSELVES STUFF!!! PLEASE!!#im thankful i really really am . but i feel bad. and also TFW i will never dress as an early 1900s guything who just ran away to the circus
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venting :-) sorry
#sh tw !!#i am so tired of my mother#last time i saw my therapist i talked about how she drives me insane but still i feel so guilty for getting mad at her because i know she#has issues and literally can not reason but i get so frustrated and exhausted#she took like 9 days off of work to ‘take care of me’ (her words) after my surgery and i didnt ask her to do one thing all these days excep#help me make food and come up with stuff for me to eat bc of my diet rn and thats all#she has been doing her thing all these days like literally just sleeping on the couch and going out with her friends and going shopping and#only made me food herself once (1) in over a week#and i didnt say anything bc i know i cant say anything to her if i dont want to get her to start screaming but today i couldnt take it#i was painting all morning because i am extremely stressed and anxious to make a fucking portfolio to find some work and idk what they thin#i do in my room all day probably sleep but i dont !! im up until 1:30 am working every day even now despite having just had my jaw cut into#pieces and stitched back together#and she went out to the post office for me for a second and then spent the rest of the morning shopping and came back at 12 and had the#audacity to get mad because i hadnt made any food for myself or for anyone else yet#when i literally called her just minutes before to ask her instructions on how to prepare a certain soup for myself and she told me to wait#because she was gonna do it instead#like ???????#and when i told her i had been busy working all morning and that the whole point of her being home from work was that she said she was gonn#make stuff for me she started screaming like an insane person that i was accusing her and it wasnt fair and i was mean and rude and that sh#does EVERYTHING for me and im ungrateful#and when i say my stomach sinks to the floor every time i hear her yelling#it is ingrained into my brain#i have nightmares about her tantrums and her yelling#im so tired#and it always ends with me getting the urge to hurt myself and i want to cry but i cant because my face hurts when i cry and i am not#allowed to blow my nose bc of my surgery so im just here. swallowing all of this once again
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the thing about me is that my cat is the boss of me to the point that I only ever get butterscotch pudding because it's safe for cats and sanaki likes having a teensy little treat
#mine#she gets really mad if i give her wet food because she hates it and she doesnt like treats#pretty much the only things she will beg for that i eat is like. coffee. ice cream. pudding.#i dont give her coffee or ice cream bc theres always poison in there so. i have to make sure to have pudding she likes.
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#maybe i should be allowed to be angry. maybe i should be allowed to be soooo fucking angry#(actually i shouldnt. i have trouble regulating anyway)#but im already angry. man.#im so angry i still live here!!!#i am so angry that my fucking father is an asshole#who expects everytbing to be done for him#and does nothing in return#i dont blame him for being unemployed!! but i blame him for sitting here#for two fucking years#complaining abiut how messy it is#or how we go to sleep late#or how the food isnt to his taste#when he doesnt wash the dishes or vacuum or do the laundry#and expects my mother to do everything#and she in turn expects me to help her shoulder the emotional burden of her husband#and physical burden of the work#but when i mess up slightly ahe immediately gets mad at me#and my brother takes after my father. and makes jokes about 'oh its Your Job because its Womens Work'#except they arent jokes bc he acts under them#he acts like its the highest slight#and biggest insult when I ask him to do the dishes two days ina. row#i am so. so fucking angry#all of the time#and when i get angry i cry#and when i do that everyone says im over sensitive and get upset too easy#you can never fucking win#in this shithole
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why is this drama localizing a chinese dessert as pumpkin pie . stop localizing food names im begging u . its fucking confusing to grow up thinking a rice ball is a goddamn jelly donut ok we should have left this practice behind a looooong time ago
#jordan talks#especially bc this character is like. i entered a cooking competition based arouns chinese cuisine with a ‘pumpkin pie’#like……. she’s absolutely not meaning a pumpkin pie in the way an english speaker is gonna imagine it#i just dont think food names should be localized THAT much#like you could write ‘chinese pumpkin cake’ instead of just nan gua bing#but like at least…… then you can google it and go oh ok#its like if a kdrama called tteokbokki ‘pasta’ or some shit idk#that anime clip where the girl calls curry ‘pizza’#like :| first of all most of us are more familiar for foreign cuisines now#but second. it just makes everything confusing#at least use english words to describe it in a way that doesnt confuse it with another existing dish#im getting mad at the subtitler as if they have the freedom or salary to even care that much
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....
#was gonna use my sis as a guarantor for the apt im trying to get & she barely sent them her info today for screening.....#and after all weve been through to apply for this overpriced apt he tells us that apparently my sisters income to rent ratio#isnt high enough like..........im gonna k*ll myself wtf#ive spent the last 2 weeks trying to get this fucking apt bc school starts next fucking week & this happens#im so fucking sick & tired lol like this has been such a waste of time im so mad#and to top it all off my internship mentor hasnt gotten back to me with the form i sent him last week#nor have i been able to complete my statement of intent w/o his help & uhhh once again school starts in a few days#like nothing is working out im so fucking exhausted#dl#the internship guy got back to me i just hope he isnt disappointed in the fact that im not even living there yet....#i already have the fact that i dont drive as a major con I just hope he'll trust that im gonna get to work on time at#whatever cost idc if i have to uber everyday#....i have once again ordered food to make myself feel better....and once again feel worse bc im paying 10 more than i would be if#i could just drive myself to mcd*nalds......
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