Bubble ♡︎ | Na Jaemin

Genre : Fluff humor

You’re subscribed to Jaemins bubble, excited just like every other fan to recieve his message for today until his new messages don’t seem like the others.....

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“What’s taking so long ?” You stared blankly at the LYSN* app while stretching your legs onto your leather couch.

You switched over to the Twitter app and scrolled through your timeline, briefly reading through whatever was the latest topic on nctzen Twitter. One tweet caught your attention which made you chuckle out loud

Nananotifs: “I’m pretty sure Haechan finally threw Jaemin’s phone out of the dorm window bc.......”

All Nanadoongies gathered on Twitter to complain about the absence of Jaemin especially since he was the only one who hadnt reposted Chenle’s beloved pup Daegal.

You sighed and switched back to the LYSN app and noticed you were able to send one more message to Jaemin before the app blocks you off until he sends a new message.

Y/n: nana I miss you please say something

JAEMIN: y/n did you eat today ? I’ve missed you!

Your eyes widened at the immediate message you received from your ult. Was is coincidental ? Ofcourse it was, they don’t get notifications from fan messages do they ?

You immediately switched over to Twitter already seeing the bubble update account sharing Jaemins new message along with the entire timeline screaming over his activity.

~boominana: “how dare he act so normal I’m gonna cry !!!!”

~jaeminjenos: “post a selfie Jaemin don’t be shy”

~dreamies023: “he’s probably busy guys let him post when he wants to”

The last account was right. Jaemin was probably so busy. It was nice that he still found time out of his schedule to message nctzens and that’s what you loved most about him.

Y/n: Jaemin you’re stressing everyone out on Twitter lol let us know you’re doing ok we love you !

JAEMIN: am I ? :/

Was it a delayed message ? You shook your head and decided it was probably just another glitch on the app.

Y/n: yes stop ghosting us !

JAEMIN: ghosting ? ㅋㅋㅋ so dramatic

You froze. There was absolutely no way that from the tons of messages he would be recieving right now that yours would be the one he read and responded to.

The interaction made your heart race and quickly switch over to Twitter, it was probably chaos right now wondering what Jaemins messages could mean.

Silence.

Everyone on the timeline moved on from Jaemins first message and there were no updates on the messages you had just received from him.

PING!

JAEMIN: y/n ~ are you not going to answer me ? How am I ghosting you :(

This could not be real. You felt a lump in your throat as you checked over your other bubble subscriptions which all seemed fine except for his. You had no idea how to feel or what to do.

Y/N: this is weird. Send me a selfie so I know you’re actually replying to me and not a bot -_-

About 15 minutes went by and you stared at the open chat. He had read your message but there was no reply.

“Humh it was a bot after all” you huffed, about to close the app when your phone pinged and you saw Jaemins name pop up.

A voice note.

“Hey y/n, I hope I’m saying your name correctly hehe So long story short I think the chat glitched and your name and profile pic added itself to my own bubble. Weird right ? Mark Hyung told me I should send a voice note because it will make you believe me a bit more and .....well we would know if you posted on Twitter which CANNOT happen hahaha you understand right ?”

What was happening right now.

You pinched yourself to make sure you didn’t accidentally fall asleep on the couch and start having a very eerie realistic dream.

JAEMIN: I know you’re shocked rn but I really enjoy reading your replies haha it was the best part of my day and well I couldn’t help myself today. I wanted to tease you lol

Y/N: wait so how long has this “glitch” happened for ?

JAEMIN: hmmm....about a month now I think...after you renewed your account I think hehe

Y/N: what ??? Omg I’m so embarrassed......

JAEMIN: there’s nothing to be embarrassed about trust me. I’ve read everything czennies have sent me haha I find it amusing.

You exhaled deeply and scrolled through some of the messages you have sent him during this month and thankfully none of them were cringeworthy.

Y/N: so...now what? Should I speak to app support and fix this....unsubscribe or something....

JAEMIN: LOL youre really funny. Imagine finding out you can speak to someone from your fav idol group and you want to call tech support ...LOL so funny Mark Hyung is laughing

You felt your cheeks heat up at the image of Na Jaemin and Mark Lee laughing at your messages.

JAEMIN: please don’t be embarrassed y/n ! I only did this bc well I have your profile now and you’re really cute.

This was NOT happening.

Y/N: Uh......

JAEMIN: what do you have a boyfriend ? ....

Y/N: no I don’t I’m just....it’s nothing never mind

JAEMIN: LOL so cute! So do you have Kakao ?

Y/N: you want my number ? Why ? .....

JAEMIN: to talk to you obviously! What if they fix the glitch and I’ll never be able to talk to you again..

Jaemin wanted to talk to you. He was trusting you wholeheartedly to add him on his private account. Did he have an idea of the kind of person you were ? How could he possibly risk his career to a nobody ?

Y/N: I do have kakao it’s YN_0023.... Jaemin I won’t say anything but are you sure this is okay ?

JAEMIN: yeah I’ll video call you and we can talk about it ...adding you now. Clear this chat after you get my text!

VIDEOCHAT ?

Is he absolutely insane ? Maybe the voice note was fabricated. Maybe this was some weirdo trying to prey on innocent fangirls. Maybe -

Nana00: heyyyyyyyyy :)

Y/n: hi Uhm is this ...Jaemin ...

Nana00: yup (inserts a pic with your username on a sheet of paper)

Y/n: holy shiiiiit

By now you were already pacing across your entire apartment trying to come to terms with what was going on in your life right now. It became a force of habit to constantly check Twitter and make sure by chance somebody mentioned a glitch of some sort or SM announcing that the app is under construction or SOMETHING.

‘This couldn’t be real’ you thought.

Nana00: lol you’re so funny so are you free to video call ?

Y/n: Uhm......are you sure that’s a good idea ?

Nana00: yeah I mean firstly I would like to know you’re real too lol and also I want to know if I can trust you with this information.....it’ll be quick I promise

Y/n: well....okay give me 10minutes please

Nana00: lol sure :)

After scrambling to your bathroom to make yourself a little presentable as if you just won a video call event for your ult, you finally set on a laidback look so it doesn’t look too obvious that you put a little effort in.

You decided to prop your phone on the mini tripod on your desk so the lighting from your bedroom window in front of you bounced off your skin perfectly.

Y/n: okay I’m ready. I’m a little shy so.....sorry if I can’t talk much...

Nana00: you don’t sound shy when you talk about me on bubble hehe ;)

You buried your face in your hands and groaned. The embarrassment was still eating at you and Jaemin was not letting you live those messages down.

Ring Ring Ring......

You saw your phone light up and Jaemins kakao profile picture fill your screen.

With a shaky finger you press the recieve button and watch as the pixelated video start to clear up, presenting a very smiley Na Jaemin.

“Hi there” he said in his high voice and a bright smile on his face. He seemed to be sitting at his desk as well, hair still wet from either a rainy day or a shower.

“Uhm hi” you replied shyly and waved awkwardly.

“So this is the face behind the bubble profile huh”

“I guess so” you replied. It seemed as though you were calm and collected but on the inside you were screaming. Screaming that you were conversing with one of your favourite people right now.

“Good! Sorry to ask this again but did you clear the chat on bubble ? We have to be careful with that” he said in a concerned voice.

“Yeah I did after you sent the pic I finally realized it was definitely you so I went ahead and did it” you quickly said, kinda embarrassed by how fast your words came out.

Jaemin chuckled.

“You still doubted me after the voice note?”

“Just a little”

“You’re so adorable it’s ridiculous you know that ?” He gleamed and neared the screen, his deep brown eyes focusing on yours “ where are you from y/n?”

“Well I live in a lot of places but my hometown is _______. I learnt most of my korean while studying here in Osaka weird enough” you shrugged.

You moved to Japan for your first year of university since it was where you sort of grew up as a kid and took up extra korean classes once settled in the city.

“Osaka ?? Wow I love Japan I can’t wait to go back! Well now I kinda have an excuse to go” he winked sending your heart into a frenzy.

You giggled shyly “is this the fan service everybody talks about ?

“Fan service is a job....this is different I’m sure you know that y/n haha”

“All of this because of my profile picture ?”

“Well” Jaemin bit down on his lip as his eyebrows turned into a frown

“I obviously saw your pic and thought you were very cute but a big part of it was your messages and how you would always message me when I most needed it.”

“My messages are very random” you chuckled.

“Still made me smile throughout my day and that means a lot” he said and ran his fingers through his hair “so it’s kinda selfish of me to say, but id like for you to update me...personally”

“Na Jaemin are you asking me to be your own personal bubble account ?” You raised your eyebrow.

“Yeah pretty much” he shrugged “I’ll repay the subscription when I see you Osaka.”

ok but...inumaki’s neck/throat is prob super sensitive bc of his abilities and he’s always wearing a high collar so you leave lots of dark red marks on his pretty pale skin...whenever he has to unzip his collar to use his voice it makes you sO SMUG to see all the marks you’ve left behind🥵🥴🤤

this was so good BUT THEN THE PART WHEN HE UNZIPS HIS COLLAR- that absolutely killed me what the fuck. i’m in love

i don’t have much to add because this is already so good 😭 so instead we’re going to talk about my self-indulgent thoughts regarding this 😁

i would be so tempted to just... trace my fingers over the marks like he’d probably shiver or maybe try to swat your hand away but i think it’d be fun to just tease him and remind him about them when you’re just laying together in bed or just lazing around. maybe after you’re done studying and there’s papers scattered all around you on the bed and two of you aren’t really laying next to each other per say, just kind of flopped on the bed, but his head is close enough to yours so you reach a hand up to trace a finger along his jaw and then dip down to ghost along his neck and it tickles so he bristles but also he kinda likes the feeling so he lets you do it for a bit before he actually does something about it

okay but seeing him unzip his collar? yes i cannot stop thinking about the image um yeah he’s 100% getting kissed after that omg i would not be able to control myself 😁😣 after the mission you’re like “here’s a kiss for a successful mission, you were great out there, babe :)” which is true but also you just think he’s very hot so it’s more so a very self-indulgent kiss and he can tell by the way you try to kiss him breathless and the hand you’re running through his hair so he pulls back and gives you the signal to wait until later. obviously you’re all pouty but also you know it’s an opportunity to add more to your collection of marks on his neck so you don’t mind too much

i barely touched on the sensitive neck part but yeah kissing his neck and stuff would be cute to see his reaction even just sitting on his lap and “innocently” doing it and now that we’re talking about his neck... he would look cute with necklaces :)

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Sweet Sugar

1 | Subterranean Homesick Alien

(gif it’s not mine! let me know if you’re the owner!)

pairing: tom holland x reader / tom holland x brazilian reader (she’s from brazil here, but you can picture her being of any place that you want! Since the story wouldn’t change bc of that) 

warnings: swear words, underage drinking (not much tho, nothing like “Skins” lmao), suggestive scenes in some chapters, not smut, but minors be aware. Fluff/angst/drama/ Y/n and Tom being stupid teenagers with feelings.

words: 2.4 k

Summary: Y/n has always been best friends with Harrison and Tom. Since childhood they've always been close, but what happens if after a break up with her first boyfriend, she starts to feel something more about Tom?

A conflict of feelings, the non-acceptance of falling in love and the fear of losing her best friend, all in the head of an 17-year-old teenager. And on top of that, still having to fear of not being accepted for college.

a/n: 

This is a series i have in portuguese on my wattpad! It’s kinda long and have 2 parts haha but i decided to translate to post here too :) 

It was my first fanfic ever, so be aware lol

I never been to europe, so i’m sorry for any mistake about city features or how school works...

I just want to thank @petesrparker​ : Gio you’re the best and thank you for always helping me and hype up this series since the beginning! Seriously, you’re the best, this story would be nothing without you 😭❤

She even did a playlist for this! ikr? She’s amazing 💕 you can check out here if you want! 

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It was 2 minutes to 7am and I was late for school. Running to put on my warm sweatshirt and getting ready psychologically to go out in a cold weather, I grabbed my keys and tried to lock the door almost dropping my backpack on the floor. It was almost summer, but my town wasn't disappointed in having very cold mornings and hot afternoons.

"Shit," I murmured as I kicked the door, insisting that didn't want to close it. "Why hasn't my mom called someone to fix this thing yet?" I spoke to myself and finally managed to close it hearing a click. Coming down the stairs practically running, I closed the small gate and strode down the street.

I lived with my parents in a town called Kingston-upon-Thames, in a tiny two-bedroom house, very close to the school. You just need to walk about 4 blocks and voilá, I could already see the entrance gate and the familiar faces of the gringos. I was in the last year of high school, just turned 17 and I was born in Brazil, but grew up in London, when my father had to move because of his work, when I was only 6 years old. Obviously we weren't rich, my father worked with woodwork, and my mother currently worked in a small flower shop in the city center. But when my father received an offer to move to another country, he didn't think twice. Learn another culture, a new language and still earn some good money?An offer that cannot be refused.

The first time we arrived it was very strange, only my father knew intermediate English and my mother and I obviously did not know a single word. But we quickly befriended a family that lived on our street: the Osterfields. Jenna and Carter were the parents of two children: Harrison, the same age as me and little Charlotte (newborn at the time). Harrison and I immediately became inseparable, and he became like a brother to me and our families became one.

Obviously with him, also came nothing more and nothing less than: the Holland family. Nikki and Dom had 4 male children, one my age: Tom, Harry and Sam twins, 3 years younger and Paddy who was born 2 years later. So the family just grew, our parents became best friends, and me, Harrison and Tom became an unbeatable trio. There was no Y/n, without Tom and Harrison and vice versa, we're always together.

We went to the same school since always. As Haz lived only a few houses below mine, we meet and go together and Tom, who lived on the other side of the school, met us at the gate every day.

I went down the street and saw Haz sitting on the wall in front of his house, fiddling with his cell phone with a earphone, as soon as I approached he raised his head and smiled.

- Finally, I thought you aren’t going to class today. - He said getting up and giving me a kiss on the cheek.

- Good morning to you too Haz. - I said laughing and hooking my arm on him, while we went down the street. - You know that now that my mom is working on the other side of town she leaves early and then I have to wake up by myself, which is clearly a problem.

- Sleepyhead, - he said and I playfully tapped his arm while he laughed.

- Well, i'm, what can I say? Sleeping is the best thing in the world. - I said. - Did you do the history homework?

- Wich history homework? - He stopped suddenly looking at me in shock.

- Harrison Osterfield, you are not going to tell me that you forgot the work that I talked about it every day for almost a month. - I said putting my hand on my waist scolding him.

- Well ... I completely forgot. - Haz said scratching the back of his head with the face of a stray dog. -I was busy decorating the lines from the play.

- Wow Harrison, that way you will fail and then you'll  came crying to me. 

- Ok mom, sorry! But was it for today? Can I copy it and give it to you later? 

- Ok, but just this time, and do me a favor to exchange practically all the words I used or i'll be in trouble. - I said taking out my briefcase, while he held my backpack and I handed him my work. 

- I love you... - he said giving me back my backpack and hugging me, kissing my head afterwards.

- And I don't love you at all, bummer. - I giggled and we rounded the corner of the school.

Tom was already leaning against the side of the gate with his backpack between his legs, talking to a guy who was doing theater with him and Harrison. He was laughing at something, wearing a black hoodie, his hair was a little messy under his hood and his nose was slightly red from the cold. For some reason my stomach did some flips as we approached.

Harrison and Tom were very handsome, there was no denying it, they were half nerds, half bad boys (in the sense of forgetting to study for the exam or not doing their homework once in a while), they did theater, they were nice and got along very well with girls since they started puberty. As for me, I was the nerd who was always concerned about grades and getting into the journalism college, I didn't always have excellent grades, but they were enough to pass or impress the professors when I felt inspired. I wasn't popular, but not a completely ghost too, because being best friends with the boys ended up calling attention in some way.

The only boyfriend I had was a guy named Steven, and also my first kiss, to at age 15, but we broke up last year. Steven was cool, but we had different views on things and use to think about completely different futures, so we thought it was best to broke up. And since then I'm alone and very well, thank you.

But since I broke up with Stev, for some reason I've started to have some weird feelings for Tom. Weird in the meaning of being shy around him, with whatever he does, or whatever words he exchanges with me. Which is ridiculous, because he's my childhood friend, and I never felt any of that with Haz, so why with him I feel? I always saw Haz as my brother, but with Tom it's different, and I never understood why.

Anyway, here I was with my heart beating faster and faster as we approached. As soon as we got close, Tom waved goodbye to the guy he was talking. He grabbed his backpack off the floor and patted Haz on the back, kissing my forehead afterwards, which I immediately feel my cheeks burning with embarrassing, but no one realized.

- Hey mates! Finally! I thought you weren't coming anymore.- he said as the three of us went through the gate towards the school.

- The madam here, was the one who ended up sleeping too much, I was also waiting a long time.- Haz said and I rolled my eyes, making Tom smile.

- I understand Y/n, I also love sleeping... By the way, I said I was waiting a long time, but actually I just arrived. - He laughed - Your mother started working on that flower shop, right?

- Yeah! She started today, so I'm still getting used to waking up just with the alarm without my mom pulling me from under the covers by my hair.- I replied and they both laughed.

- Which class do you guys have now? - Tom asked as we went up the stairs to the first floor where the class rooms were.

-Math- Haz said, rolling his eyes. - Actually, I really have to go, because if I show up a second late again Mr. Jones will kill me. - he said giving us a brief wave and running to the opposite side.

- I have philosophy, thank God, one of my favorite subjects.- I said raising my hands to the sky as a joke and Tom laughed.

- Wow y/n, I thought your favorite subject was biology and English.- he said and I stuck out my tongue, but feeling a little warm inside, these subjects were the ones we had together.

- Anyway, see you later? I have physics now unfortunately.

- Yeah, I'll be at our new favorite place. - I giggle, it had been a week since me, Haz and Tom found a perfect place to stay during the break, which was on the back of the school, on a hill next to a tree, where we had a full view of the students down there. It was perfect, because the warm morning sun was shining and we'd be left on the ground gossiping and watching what others were doing.

- See you there shortie. -Tom said kissing the top of my head, giving me a wink and leaving towards his class room.

- Look who's talking. - I said loudly for him to hear and he showed me his middle finger from a distance, laughing at my face.

I turned around smiling and headed towards my class. The first two classes were normal, nothing new, I was still a little sleepy, so I ended up almost sleeping in the second geography class, where I was almost kicked out by Mr Wilson, who let It pass this time. The alarm hit indicating it was break time and I thanked God, practically running to stay out in the sun.

I grabbed my phone from my pocket and my headphones, hitting play on Radiohead's Subterranean Homesick Alien song and walking outside. I saw Steven with his new girlfriend Lily right on the way out, they were talking, hugging each other and looked very happy, he saw me and gave a smile from a distance where I reciprocated. Our break up went very well, without resentment, which made me happy.

I walked up the small hill and saw Haz and Tom already at our meeting place. Tom was lying down looking at the sky while Haz was sitting propped up in the tree.

- Did you guys miss me? - I said sitting next to Haz.

- Yeah, we were even thinking about how we could handle living without you y/n- Haz said and Tom chuckled.

- I know you two love me. - I said shrugging.

- In fact, we were arguing when you're going to have a new boyfriend. - Tom said and I froze.

- And who said I want a new boyfriend? I asked raising my eyebrow.

- We know you y/n, you starting to have your head in the clouds lately, always retweeting couple things and posting romantic songs, I can see that you're falling in love again.- Tom said, still looking at the sky.

- I agree. - Haz said taking the side of my earphone and putting into his ear. - She's even listening to Radiohead! And you always listen to Radiohead when you're in love. - I gave them a sarcastic laugh and pulled the earphone of his ear turning off the music making Haz laugh.

- You guys are idiots, I'm fine alone thank you, I just want to focus on my studies from now on. - I said and they both made a "hmm" in unison, making me roll my eyes.

- Actually, we were discussing where we're going to celebrate my 17th birthday tomorrow.- Tom said changing the subject, turning his head and covering the sun with his hand to look at me.

-Tomorrow is your birthday?- I asked pretending to be surprise and Tom rolled his eyes playfully.

- I know you two always look forward to my birthday, because you love me and want to surprise me.- he said and Haz and I laughed ironically. - But Marcos offered his house, because his parents are traveling, so we could make a cool party there! So I was thinking about calling the theater people and some of our friends like Julian, Tuwaine and etc, maybe getting some drinks too... - Tom said sitting down and cleaning some leaves that were stuck on his hoodie.

- I think it's a good idea, I'm not much of partying or drinking, but with you both I always have fun.- I said and Haz rested his head on my shoulder.

- Good to know we make you happy Y/n. - Haz said and I giggle patting his head.

- So we meet tomorrow? You guys want to stop by my house so we could go together?

- Actually, I have to go to my granny first, so I'll go from there.- Haz said and Tom gave him a thumbs up.

- Y/n you can go? Around 7pm it's ok?

-Of course Tommy. - I said and he smiled at the nickname.

- Okay, I'll wait for you at 7pm and I'll send you the address, mate.- he said to Haz as we got up listening to the bell ringing indicating the break was over.

- Deal!- Haz said.

- Deal. - I also said as we went down back to class.

The last classes were history, the subject I had with Haz and he returned my homework, assuring me that he had changed the words. We spend the whole class sending notes talking about nonsense and making jokes. Haz and I were pretty good at sending notes without the professor seeing.

But I confess I was puzzled by what the boys had said earlier, how did they have the impression that I was in love? I wasn't, was I? Was I showing too much that i had feelings for Tom? I don't know, I just know that the whole story had left me with immense anxiety.

The class was over and I said goodbye to Haz, because he had theater with Tom and I didn't have any extra activities that day. The only days that i had something was on monday, tuesday and thursday, when I have a school reinforcement to improve my notes to enter college. Which was a relief, since I had to run to the mall to look for a gift to give Tom for his birthday. I had been looking for weeks and I didn't find anything interesting to give to my best friend. Best friend isn't it? Nothing more than this...

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a/n: if you liked and want to be tagged on the next chapters let me know! 😊

bhah ch7 can’t stop won’t stop

lmao Dani being like ‘we should wait to discuss kids til after we’re married’ yes doesn’t seem like a giant thing u should make sure u agree on before u make a major commitment at all

Dani is so in love with Jamie sdjkhdfkjg driving to her house on instinct and just like...gazing at her in her old t-shirt and sweats like you’ve finally seen the light girl just kiss her already

god I can’t believe I have 2 more chapters of them as adults just being the absolute perfect match for each other to get through before they finally kiss in ch 11 (i’m maninfesting it no one say anything) I am literally going to scream. Dani will like... feel a little off and it’s all “i need to go to Jamie’s house and also tell Jamie everything and she will make me tea and let me be myself without all the expectations and I will feel better” I AM VERY HAPPY SHE CAN BE THAT FOR YOU BUT ALSO CAN YOU SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE MS CLAYTON (actually I think she kind of does but she must extract herself from her real life first I guess)

oh no the new chapter is almost here I still have so much to read

forget ‘there was only one bed’ this is now a ‘there was only one tent’ stan blog only

thirsty Dani truly is the funniest I am so sorry ur suffering is so entertaining. Dani: literally whacks her finger with a mallet bc horny for Jamie. Me: uncontrollable chortling

the idea of Dani wrangling 8 year olds that are probably just about as tall as her is too funny. tiny legend

aww the lil background Hannah and Owen moments. cute

Dani in a big ol’ straw hat pls that’s so cute

this Jackie and Jamie situation..... GIVE US THE DEETS

hmmmmnnnnnngggg Jamie just straight down on her knees in front of Dani to tie her shoe lace I will absolutely let u have this gay panic Dani u don’t deserve to be made fun of right now

Jamie “I have a story” absolutely NOT

Viola, emerging from the lake in this no ghosts childhood friends story: surprise bitch

these two drunk idiots are literally teenagers dsjkhdfkgjh just get in ur tent

Dani, drunk in a tiny tent w the love of her life: hope this doesn’t awaken anything in me

when we finally get a Jamie on her knees redemption moment-

Dani, drunk in a tiny tent w the love of her life currently taking her clothing off: oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck (y’all really wanted to torture her this chapt huh?)

“dawn was a saffron colored suggestion peeking through a pinhole gap in the tent’s zipper” god that’s a pretty sentence can i pls borrow some talent

Jamie and Dani w kids is sooooo cute they have such a nice balance between them

just thinking about if teenage Jamie desperately in love w her bestie could see things now Dani being all into her w all her lingering looks etc how the fuckin turn tables

“Dani kept a firm grip on her sanity” lol

oh my god they’re both drenched in the tent w the soft lamplight and only their own bodyheat to keep warm whatever will they do

oh wait they also have the heat of their burning attraction to each other they’ll be toasty as anything

hhhhngggg abs

that’s like 4 mentions of Jamie on her knees aklhfdkjgkdjh enough

lads is it gay to imagine running ur fingertips over the scar on your friends back before pressing ur lips to it or...?

Jamie taking the time to teach Dani car things aww

lol not the smutty book

eddie honking at her gets so under my skin like my dude... my guy... stop

Dani thinking so hard about rain damp Jamie and how much she wanted to jump her while she’s in the car w her boyf and MIL. girl

imagine if we had to sit through a dani and eddie wedding before she finally managed to call this off how cursed

ayoooo Carson’s show I cannot wait. omg we get it this chapter too gbless this really is the Dani suffering hours

Jamie just so casually like.... not even flirting w Dani it’s all just kinda observations but every other thing she says makes Dani stop breathing skdhfdkfjh this is so good

Dani has like... a lack of object permanence but with Jamie feelings ok

pleeease the Dani Carson road trip that’s so cute I can just imagine what fun they would have had

uuughhh i wanna go to a sweaty bar n listen to loud music again

also would like a Jamie to press their hand to my lower back n make me lose my mind in a sweaty bar to loud music

this lil jamie dani carson trio is my faaaave

“Girls must be all over you.” and Jamie choking on her drink dsfkjsdhkf oh Dani u beautiful naive angel. god that’s so funny

Robin instantly going for Jamie... same bro

Carson’s lil found family band pls my heart is so full

Carson calling them his sisters n Jamie freezing up bby when are u going to accept these people care abt u and love u like family

Robin is so brazenly just like ‘ur hot’. a voice of the people i love her

Dani being lowkey jealous as IF Ms Taylor has eyes for anyone else babe

Carson knoooowwwwws. When do we get the Carson O’Mara biopic please I want his takes on everything I know they’re excellent

oh my god Jamie knowing Dani’s fave kind of pizza pls I love that so much (I can’t remember if it’s been mentioned in the past few chapters but I remember her being mad that Eddie didn’t in CH1? i love this lil detail) (also I literally just ate vegge pizza I feel so immersed in this experience)

dfkgjhdfkjgh Jamie licking her finger and Dani completely combusting this is so entertaining

fuck n then it gets all soft and about how they’ve been in love their whole lives this is emotional whiplash

Jamie constantly in protector mode but in this really quiet comforting way is so sweet I love her so much

god I just feel so bad for Dani that this kind of insane electricity she has with Jamie has probably never been a thing in her relationship w Ed bby u deserve someone that makes u feel like this

awww Carsons bf

Dani’s soul leaving her body when she sees them kissing oh no

Jamie giving Dani her jacket pleeease I am dying here... the romance of it all

and shariing cigarettes and intense looks these two really are somethin else

lmao even Robin is picking up on their vibes you two could level a building with the amount of tension between u

Dani’s moment of Realisation abt Carson n Jamie just being like... well yeah

lmao Dani subtly trying to figure out if Jamie is gettin’ it sdkgdfhkjgh

when these do two finally get together both of them are gonna be like... taken out by all of this. Dani has only ever known Eddie who just does not get her (and the fact that she is a lesbian so she’s never had real feelings for him in that way) and it seems like Jamie has only ever had surface level relationships with people who never really got her either (while also being in love w her best friend who she never thought would love her back). there’s no way this is wont eventually make at least one person cry a bunch (probably me) with how right all of it is

god Dani is so horny for Jamie sdflkdfjgkfdj preemptive RIP for Ms Taylor when Dani finally does get to live out all these daydreams on her I just know someones gonna end up pulling somethin

Does Dani like.... get that she will never love Edmund that way like is she fully aware of the fact she loves him but she’s not in love with him and all these feelings for Jamie aren’t just because it’s Jamie but because she’s not straight??? have we gone on that journey yet

aw Ed waited up for her

the book the book the book

dsfkdhfgkj oh Dani

“Jamie on her knees, looking up at her” listen-

girl u are so fucked

SIX. SIX MENTIONS OF JAMIE ON HER KNEES pls

THE DREAM

who could this possibly be about hmmmm Dani

christ

THE MEASURES SHE TAKES TO DEAL WITH THE DREAM lordt

“baffled but excited” i think is how I almost always picture eddie lol

dang get it girl take control

aw dani u poor confused little duck. i just wanna give her a hug

Dani dressed as Dorothy is awfuly cute

heh Jamie as a wolf i love her fursona

lmao toto

of course Jamie is well aquainted with the bleachers. cheeky. oh no not the art room. Dani dying inside and then imagining herself there with Jamie girl has got it baaaad u poor lil repressed gayby

Dani is... so thirsty... goddamn

lmao Jamie blatantly checking her out are u trying to kill her she already wants to rip ur clothes off

“To the third floor art room?” dfksdhfgkjdfhgjdhf imagine if this was it they just banged it out in the art room right now n got things sorted

god they go from horny to soft so quick i love the ways they care about each other

Jamie saying the scarecrow costume is fitting for Eddie PLEASE

ooh the infamous hickey

What Dani deseves: snuggles. What Dani recieves: struggles

the MEMES. god bless the memes

this was an excellent companion for my Wednesday hopefully I can churn through the rest of em before we are blessed w ch11 amen

fascinated by the distinction drawn between "audience member" and "fic writer" bc I think I know what you mean in regards to kind of re-writing it in your own head not as the secondary way of interacting with it but as the first. But I would not have thought of putting it that way!

A lot of it has to do with the specific fic genre I write in, which is long plotty AUs that I’ll probably be working on for years -- to some extent I can set aside everything in canon that occurs in in-universe chronology after the span of my story; Backbone and Crown doesn’t have to take into account the events of the OT and ST because they haven’t occurred yet.  On the other hand, I can’t totally set aside major set piece events that involve causes and players outside of whatever characters and timeline I’m working with, because depending what I’m working with things are still going to happen whether or not my characters are involved.

And I make compromises all the time about whether things are going to make it into the story -- there’s a whole discarded Backbone subplot about Zare Leonis that I considered really carefully before not including, even with the knowledge that leaving him and his interaction with Ezra out of the story meant that his arc in the Servants of the Empire novels will be completely changed.  Backbone covers about half the span of S1, maybe less; I was always running out the timeline of S1 to figure out what events would be happening that would or would or not be affected by the Ghosts’ changed circumstances and if that merited being included in the story.  Rebels S1 is very small-scale; going further into the timeline of the show means that opens up further and further and a lot of other factors are in play.  The earliest version of Backbone was also quite different; the Free Ryloth fleet didn’t exist, Cham and Alecto were members of the Rebel Alliance, a number of other Rebel Alliance characters were there; I reworked it after Siege came out and it was revealed that the Rebel Alliance wasn’t yet a thing.

With Gambit, otoh, there were a lot of galactic-scale repercussions; I was always running the timeline back and forth and figuring out what the originating events were and how those would play out in the altered timeline of this single-point divergence AU.  But the crucial difference is that for Gambit (and Wake), I was working is that I was working with a closed canon -- I didn’t have to worry about something down the line adding something to the in-universe chronology, and a lot of it was heavily altered by the divergence point anyway.  (Actually, that canon reopened partway through Wake when The Lost Missions dropped in a way that was relevant; the chip scenes were somewhat shoehorned in because I couldn’t leave that out.)  Crown is working in a tighter timeline but one that comes a lot closer to the set piece events of the saga; I have “where is this in relation to Rogue One?” running through my head when I’m working through any of the Rebel Alliance scenes.  There are a number of small-scale changes that aren’t immediately clear (because the story’s not finished) that have come about because of the story’s divergence point that would have a much greater influence on galactic events than they did in canon.

When it comes to out-of-universe chronology, the added canon that comes out after I’ve already started working on a story, it can be a lot harder to deal with.  95% of the time, if the additional canon deals with the character/setting of my WIP, I’m going to ignore the bulk of it but occasionally integrate details here and there as relevant (such as the name of the Tann Province in Backbone -- you may note it doesn’t show up until quite late in the story, after the S3 ep aired).  I didn’t change the names of the Inquisitors -- in fact, I made the decision early on that however I named the Inquisitors it would be different from what canon did, as that was prior to them being called “Seventh Sister”, “Fifth Brother,” etc.  5% of the time it’s something that I cannot ignore, like the clones and the chips -- that’s pretty rare, tbh, but it happens.  (I’ve scrapped a story because of additional canon; I had a chunk of Kanan/Hera time travel written where they both got thrown back to the Clone Wars, but the Kanan - The Last Padawan comic coming out threw me too badly with their clones as opposed to my OCs.)  To some extent, I try to only work with the canon that was available when I started writing that story; that’s not entirely sustainable with canon coming out so rapidly, and sometimes it can throw out a reader.

The worst part, as a fic writer, about dealing with additional canon isn’t trying to integrate it into an ongoing story: it’s that it may change how I feel about Star Wars, or if it’s done poorly, I may end up in the kind of mental place where I get very “why am I doing this when the canon doesn’t even care.”  There’s a scene in the Darth Vader comics where the Inquisitors are doing shots after killing a Jedi and stealing his baby.  When that particular issue came out, I was working on the big Inquisitors vs. Kanan & Ahsoka fight scene in Backbone, and I was so badly thrown by the disconnect that I had to step away for a few days.  I hated the Rebels finale so much that I couldn’t work on Backbone for a while even though it’a completely different universe.  A lot of what canon did with Ahsoka post-S2, and the way she gets idolized by both fandom and the PTB, has messed with my perception of her so much that with Crown Ahsoka and the backend of Backbone Ahsoka I didn’t trust myself writing her and had to have multiple beta readers just for her characterization, something I have never worried about before.  (This is one reason I did that deep dive the other week to figure out what the hell was going on in the writers room about her, and honestly?  I feel better about it now that I’ve rationalized what was going on in a way that makes sense to me.)  I had to stop reading the Doctor Aphra comics because Hera was so out of character there that I was getting really, really upset (and also the animal harm), and then I just stopped reading all the SW comics because they were making me mad and I wasn’t enjoying myself.  Sometimes you get big universe consequences stuff that doesn’t deal with your main characters (looking at you, TROS) and it’s frustrating if you don’t like it!  Then I have to sit down and try to decide “hey, am I going to use any of this Palpatine stuff?” -- this was actually a problem for Crown, because the Palpatine scenes weren’t written yet when TROS came out, and I was so badly thrown by TROS that I didn’t know how to deal with that in Crown even though it’s mostly not relevant.  Would I be happiest if I was working in a closed canon, or if at least I knew (or thought) my main characters weren’t going to get any more canon stories about them? GODS, YES, THIS IS WHY I STARTED WRITING PREQUEL FIC BACK IN THE LATE 2000S.  (Ironically, I started writing PT fic before TCW came out, then flipped fandoms and came back in 2012 -- but all my 2012 PT fic only used the closed canon of the EU Clone Wars/Republic comics, not TCW.)

Mostly as an audience member I don’t want to see my writing characters on the screen anymore -- there’s a certain amount of hypervigilance that comes with having your writing characters or settings active in canon, even if you don’t intend to integrate any of that.  I watch and read Star Wars very differently than I watch and read anything else; I mostly don’t find it relaxing because I’m always aware of the fact that the stuff I care about could pop up at any moment, or because I’m concentrating so hard on characterization/nuance/worldbuilding that my brain is going 150 mph, or because I have very specific deal-breakers.  (I do find reading in the EU relaxing because bro, that is CLOSED CANON.)  I would like to relax!  If canon finally contorts itself to the point I can relax again that will be a relief, tbh, even as frustrating as it would also be.

...this is probably a much longer response than you expected.

🔫 the oc content, hand it over /lh

you don’t have to if u don’t want to lol I just saw you said something about ocs and 👀 I am interested

FIRST OF ALL 🥺🥺🥺

SECOND OF ALL OKAY OKAY HERE TAKE IT 

(I ended up dumping a lot ... I saw the opportunity and ran with it I didn’t mean to oops)

These guys have been in my head for y e a r s and even though I'll abandon them for months at a time, there are plot points I've forgotten, it’s very very unfinished, and clearly influenced by my freshman year interests, they're some of my favorites to imagine and write like every time I do a picrew chain or something I make them too for myself okay okay-

So. Exposition. For ages the demons and dark things have slipped between the veil and into the world. As evil rises, so do those who stand against it. In some parts of the world The Order was established not to eradicate or wage war against the demons, just to keep everything in their proper dimensions and destroy those who refuse. Members of the Order work in groups with assigned roles, often passed down generations. 1: trained in the physical aspects of fighting creatures, they have the unique and mysterious ability to survive in the other dimension-at least better than the average mortal. 2, “Alchemist”: Usually a witch, human descendant of a magical being, or a particularly skilled mortal even. they provide the magical aid since the other cannot perform magic themselves. (Though Witches tend to form their own communities or work with the demon realm which historically has caused tensions) While fewer and well hidden, this secret society guards the mortal realm to this day... 

There’s a small, quiet town in the northeast. Nothing much happens- the power may go out or the weather may turn within seconds and figures may appear and shift into the shadows but it all turns out fine eventually. Nothing to worry about. But those who know a  little too much know where to go when things need to be taken care off. Bloom’s Florist and Garden Shop, a sweet little store in the middle of town staffed by the owner’s two teenaged kids. They’ve got a lovely selection of flowers and herbs. If you hear noises from their basement, best to ignore it. If you see the kids sprinting down the street, best to stay out of their way. If they tell you to avoid the woods one night, you listen...

OCS MY BELOVED HERE THEY ARE

 Dante Achilles Sindweller. He is type 1.  He’s tall, thin but muscular, almost dangerously pale. His hair is blue, eyes blue though they sometimes look red. Riddles with piercings and pale scars. Cocky bastard but well deserved. Friendly and deadly all at once. He’s good at what he does and is always up for a challenge. Low key high key losing his sense of humanity. You see actually being in the demon dimension is draining because of the pure chaos of it but returning to reality is rough too. Because of the hunter’s ability (I’m pretty sure they have this ability bc the og demon hunters secretly fucked a bunch of demons so Hunters have demon blood and cannot “die” in the hell dimension but idfk at this point) they can adapt to the word with a combination of demonic attributes and idealized forms that disappear when he gets back. So um the mental toll is very much a thing that he hides very well...at least at first. He doesn’t actually have to travel too often thought, just during emergencies and later he genuinely visits some chill demon friends there.

Cordelia Emerys Bloom, “Cordie”. 5′2″, dark brown skin, black hair she keeps in two short braids, round rimmed glasses. She’s the alchemist. a few of her far off ancestors were fae. Her own magical battery is low so she’s become skilled in working with. potions and magical plants. She’s the most serious member. of the trio. She knows the job, she has a rhythm, she doesn��t like change. This group had three braincells and 90% of the time she has all of them. She likes her plants, her books, and Dante. She’s a little high strung and stubborn but she’s clever, intelligent, and really warm person once you get past her shields. She grew up way too fast and with all her adult figures gone, Dante slowly slipping (though she denies it to the point where Alice bright it up and they didn’t talk for a week), and this irritation turned fear that Alice’s presence is temporary leaves her with some issues but it’s okay im determined to let her be happy, she just has to let herself accept happiness.

Alice Barnet. A witch. Thick, bright red  hair, hazel/ blue eyes. Absolutely stunning. and a fashion icon. She moved to attend to uppity private school right outside of town. She stumbled upon the shop and immediately sensed the great power hidden in there. So she just walked in- because of the dimensional portal not because the girl at the register she saw through the window was so pretty what are you talking about it was witch instinct only- and announced herself and offered her services. She’s a flirt, though a sincere one. She projects a confident, fun vibes even if she doesn't actually feel it. Fake it until you make it I guess. Coffee addict will memorize your birth chart, Starbucks order, and all the little behavioral things. Most of my early drabbles with her involve her sitting on Cordie’s desk sipping her iced coffee while Cordie is like “how tf did you get in here” “good question. Better one: they didn’t have the black tea you like is green okay?” She actually is part of an informal coven but that’s a whole side story with its own cast of characters I haven’t touched in ages

Dynamics dynamics so Cordie and Dante are siblings in all but blood, they’ve been together for almost their entire lives. (Cordie’s parents are almost always away-either on Order business or just vibing idk they’re cool though. Dante’s parents are dead but only Dante himself seems to know that-Something about demon blood and dimension hopping doesn’t let their kind live long) They’re really close. If they met at this point in life they probably would never have been friends and Cordie probably would despise him but as they are they love each other and *know* each other. Technically Dante is older but Cordie is the eldest sister of the relationship.

The two of them have opposite reactions when Alice enters their life. (This entrance is one of the few *full* scenes I actually wrote down) Dante is allured-not by her but by the potential adventure she represents. She states her case and he’s like oh this’ll be interesting. They become best friends almost instantly. Their sass, confidence, and more adventurous sides click harmoniously- much of the time to Cordie’s dismay. To Cordelia, Alice is something unknown, something potentially dangerous. She makes her assumptions (prissy, incompetent, entitled, inexperienced) and tolerated her. Alice has had a crush on her since day 1. She was determined to prove herself to the group and really she’d just like to get her trust and friendship at some point, gushy feelings be damned. They fall in love slowly, they learn to trust and be weak and learn to know each other and be themselves Alice is genuinely interested in all the stuff Cordie knows about the magical world and Cordie gets to try to be a person outside of that world. The recent stuff I’ve actually written down involves a lot of sleepy conversations and whispered confessions and soft touched and hhh

Some of the non-human characters

“Lady”: the ghost that haunts the basement/ Order base. She can’t really speak and isn't always visible, never fully. They don’t know who she was or why she’s there. She helps out when she can though. Might help Dante in the very end. 

All of the actual demons are off ideas. Like each deadly sin has it’s own demon (they didn’t realize some humans had grouped them together for some time but they think it’s funny, sometimes they hang out just because of that) The gang doesn't directly meet a lot of them but 

Curiosity aka “Apple” aka “Heather” aka “Bee”aka...:The spark that fuels innovation ne the spiral of a downfall. frequently visits human world, team switches between stopping them from blowing up a building to playing Mario kart together. Like he definitely causes trouble and should not keep escaping through the portal but like...he’s fun to got to the mall with. Funky Lil dude who’s there for a good time and some chaos. Changes aliases all the time.

Nostalgia aka “Honey-Lavender”: the kind that leaves the ghost of a smile on your face, the kind that drowns you in the past, the kind that makes you want to go back, or forget. mostly stays in hell. One of the demons Dante visits and is acquainted with. They lay and talk. She can be a downer but he doesn’t mind, he appreciates the company and some days she keeps him tethered to his life and sanity (on the bad says she has the opposite effect, she can’t help it)

OKAY AHAHA THATS ENOUGH OUT OF ME THERE THEY ARE THANKS

FFT: If I Loved You Less I Could Talk About It More

Hey haii. Soooo.. This is kind of a follow up to the one I answered last night - I know right, it’s about goddamn time. Again, I’m so, so so so so sorry. I really am. -  which can be found [ here] if you want to backtrack and read that so this one maaaybe makes sense bc I cannot entirely vouch that it does in fact make sense without the one I just linked above.

I had such a blast writing this and I am kinda v. happy with the way it came out even if it’s just a little weird? I’m starting to dig first person.

TAGGING:

@kyleoreillysknee | @chasingeverybreakingwave | @xwicker-manx  | @rampagewriting | @wrestlingismyguiltypleasure | @writertoo18 | @dietwrestling | @cowboyshit | @cabotcoves | @heelsamizayn | @adampage | @unabashedwrestlefics | @missjenniferb | - if anyone else wants to be tagged in my wrestling fics, go here and add yourself. 

Jon Moxley isn’t a talker by any stretch of the word. He’s more of a doer. The words, without actions behind them, are hollow and meaningless to him. 

I’ve known this for a while now. It’s not hard to figure out about him at all. It’s actually kind of obvious and definitely something one can appreciate about the man, when he’s not driving them to the goddamn brink of insanity.

What I can’t figure out is why in the seven blue hells he’s suddenly being so nice to me. Up to our encounter in the elevator a few weeks back? Guy hated me.

I was nothing to him, just some poor little princess trapped in an ivory tower. Or a toy, only meant to be played with. He’s openly said as much on numerous occasions.

Lately, it seems as if everywhere I am, he’s there. Arms crossed, all brooding and angry in some back corner, tapping his foot impatiently or holding up his wrist to indicate passage of time, kind of like some grumpy bodyguard or god forbid, a chaperone... Or sitting ringside, watching whatever match I happen to be in, a smirk on his face the entire time.

Literally no one can get me to themselves because of this... Especially not Maxwell, which believe me, the pathetic prick has actually been dumb enough to try and do, on more than one occasion. You’d think me, throwing the shit he left at my place into the pool below my balcony would’ve been a really clear hint I was absolutely fucking done being his late night booty call. Nope, apparently not.

But back to Mox, though. Mox is the reason I’m torn between anger and sheer unbridled sexual frustration as of late, and here’s why...

I don’t know what bothers me more… the fact that I can’t figure out why he gives a damn, - or if he even does, who knows with that guy? -  or the fact that deep down, it secretly turns me on. I’ve never really had someone just… attach themselves to me willingly, for lack of a better term.

But then, tonight… Tonight, Maxwell managed to get me to myself, corner me up backstage.

His eyes darted around the hallway. “Look at this. You drove away your self appointed guard dog. Are you ready to admit you miss all of this, kitten?”

“Did hell freeze over in the last ten minutes, Maxwell?”

“I’m the best you’re gonna have. This bizarre thing you and Mox have going on is just you, passing time. C’mon, kitten. Think about it. Do you really think he’s capable of half the things I could give you?”

“He’s got a cock, so I mean… yeah. Pretty much the only thing you were good for was sex when the batteries to my vibrator died.”

He eyed me. For a split second I smirked because it almost seemed as if I hurt him with my words. I know better than that, but I needed my moment of victory. Then he stepped closer, a hand ghosting down my side. “You know you want me back. You need me, princess.”

“I don’t need anybody, actually.” I corrected, feigning a yawn and rolling my eyes at Maxwell.

“Right, that’s why you’re letting Mox follow you around.” the sour expression on his face as he looked at me was worth a million words. But I rolled my eyes and reminded myself that the only reason he’s even choosing this hill to die on is because I ditched him first and in Maxwell’s mind? That’s a no go.

I know his type well. I was brought up with them. Bunch of mouth breathing elitist bitch boys. I’ve realized since our thing ended that Maxwell -and pretty much any man of his type, they aren’t what I want anymore. I don’t know what I do want, true but… I have a very clearly defined idea of what I don’t want and won’t fuck with or tolerate now.

“No, I’m not letting him do anything, everybody knows Mox does exactly what Mox wants. However, I’m not stopping him, either. Maybe he has me curious. Maybe, Maxwell,” I leaned in a little, lowering my voice and laughing softly as I continued, “Maybe I’m tired of being goddamn bored to death by prissy little bitch ass pretty boys. Besides, in the end, guys like you always leave. Your type are dogs. Always looking to get your dick wet and moving on once you find a sparkly new bitch you can wrap around your finger and bend to your will... Maybe I want more. Something real. Maybe Mox could be that. Maybe, Maxwell.. Maybe I want him. That’s really what burns you up, isn’t it?” I hoped he’d get the point, or get bored, and fuck off and away.

Naturally, he didn’t. And he started to talk himself up all over again. Tried reminding me of his version of our ‘good times.’

I gave an annoyed snort and butted in. “Says the man who refused to take me anywhere. Who insisted we couldn’t be seen together. Why the hell do you think I’d even begin to want you back? Sex was all you could offer and frankly? I’ve had better.”

He swore and glared at me angrily.

“You’re a fucking bitch.”

“May be. But I’m not a dumb bitch anymore, now am I?” I said it in a mock sweet tone, laughing at him as I turned and prepared to walk away. 

“I was done with you anyway. I just wanted to give you one last chance to see reason.”

I held up my middle finger at him as I walked away, backwards. When I crashed into someone, I turned around, a glare at the ready.

Mox was smirking down at me. As his eyes roamed my body slowly, I felt something shifting in the dynamic between us. And it hit me then… That stuff I said to Maxwell?

I wasn’t just saying it.

I actually fucking meant it. With every single fibre of my being.

I gulped under his intense round of eye-fucking and i did my best to stay calm. To not be so obvious at the way my thighs clenched and god forbid, remember to breathe. He stepped closer, rough hand grasping at my hip, hauling me against him.

“Did I not tell ya to stay in the fuckin locker room? He only gets to ya because ya fuckin let him, woman. Then again,” Mox muttered in a dry tone, “You’d argue with a fuckin brick wall, I think. Stay here.”

His firm tone didn’t do anything to help out the situation I found myself in currently, dripping wet and so frustrated by what I’d just figured out that I honestly just wanted to shove him against a wall and rip off his clothes.

He eyed me, a brow raised. “The fuck is that little smirk for, huh?”

“Oh, nothing.” I shrugged, giggling. 

“Stay here.” he repeated, even more firmly this time, stepping so close to me that he towered over me and our bodies brushed against each other lightly.

Jesus, the way it felt, lightly pressed against him.

He spent a second or two grumbling and glaring, then he turned and stormed off, right through the curtains separating the back of the arena from the front.

It hit me then, MJF had just gone down. Literally just. As in he was still walking down the runway.

Curious, I made my way over to the curtains, pulling them just so that I could peek through a little and when I saw it, I barely restrained a whimper… I could hear every single word Mox said as he lunged at Maxwell from behind.

And it had me fidgeting, pacing the hallway and trying to puzzle out just what the hell was going on the entire time Mox was down in the ring, beating Maxwell’s ass all around it.

Mox stormed back through the curtains and I didn’t think, I just ran. Climbing the man like a tree, dragging my fingers over his close shaven scalp and wrapping my legs around him tight. He growled, nearly dropped me, but I felt his fingertips digging into my body and he staggered back a little, putting my back against the wall.

“This mean you’re ready for a real man, princess?” his voice a low husky growl against my lips as I smirked against his mouth and nodded my head, pressing my forehead against his. 

“It took me a while to figure you out, Mox… But now, I think I know exactly what you’re all about. So yes.. to answer your question, maybe I am ready for a real man, Mox.”

“Oh you do, huh? Gonna explain or do I gotta guess?” he smirked back.

“I like it better this way. Actions are better than words. Less talking, Mox. More kissing.” I breathed against his mouth, rubbing myself against him as he carried me towards the door leading out into the arena parking lot...

(do not re/blog please!!!)

(i also mention sexual stuff so like. be warned? i’m literally just word vomiting beneath the cut)

so not to be dramatic for a hot second but this is one of those things where i was like “hmm maybe i can just talk this out with one of my friends and have a listening ear” but that would just divulge into me getting too anxious about. so many things. but, having gone through many (personal) things recently, somehow “realizing that i may have a very complicated relationship with romantic attraction yet also being a lesbian” has. uh. how do you say. really fucked with me.

bc like. idk how to word it. i can get attached/infatuated very easily but also i have. very bad commitment issues? and that makes it very hard to distinguish anything???? and ngl it stresses me out so badly bc like. i’ve been talking to a girl (like texting and stuff) for almost two months and it feels Natural to say “oh yeah i like her i can see this going somewhere i think” but i also am sitting here literally unable to distinguish romantic feelings from friendship and like. i’ve come to the realization that so many of my friends are like “oh you just Know when you have feelings for someone” and maybe i’m just picky or maybe i just need more time or maybe? something else???? like ngl it’s kinda terrifying bc im talking to this girl and it feels Natural and i like talking to her and she’s super fun and nice and we seem to get on well so i’m like “oh yeah i can see myself dating her i think” and, while of course dating is complicated 100x more bc of the pandemic and also just general dorming in college, i feel like if there is something there i should be more Committed? or more definite?? but i literally go in and out of “oh yes this is a crush” and “we’re just talking” and i literally don’t know what i’m supposed to be feeling????? and this is not the first time this has happened??????? like ever since 2017, i feel like i go in this cycle of “infatuated crush ---> get anxious/realize it was just infatuation ---> feel guilty/drown myself in work to make an excuse/brick myself off” and this is the first time in a while that i’m wishy-washy bc i Like talking to her even tho im so bad at texting and im terrified that it’s gonna fuck this up and like i can imagine going on dates with her (this is in a no-covid scenario like yes ik rn it would be very Not Safe to start dating Now) and it feels Natural but i feel like i just can’t get myself to feel that Spark like. i want to! i very much want to! and i feel like maybe i’m just thinking too much into it and i need to also understand that i probably really can’t Know until there’s a meeting in person (which i don’t think that’s gonna happen bc 1. going back to college and 2. most importatly, pandemic) and like people have told me that!!!! that i can’t always just Feel something through a screen and need that in-person contact. but i just keep getting hung up on the fact that i have such a hard time distinguishing from infatuation and a crush/love, and then a crush and friendship. and like it’s stressful!!! bc it really almost feels like natural to say “oh yeah this is a crush” bc 1) it’s been over a month and i haven’t gotten bored/made myself stress ghost and 2) it’s not like the act of dating her is out of the question, and i feel like i Could. but. is there supposed to be a spark??? bc i am literally sitting here and cannot distinguish between crush and friendship, and sometimes i get a pang of “oh yes i am in this for the long run” but is that just infatuation?? or, tbh worse, is that just...... me liking the attention?????????

but then sometimes i just. get a compliment from a separate friend. and i’m suddenly like “oh shit i’m in love with her!!” and then have to deal with whatever those feelings are, even if it’s just infatuation for like 5 hours

(and then there’s the complication bc i know i feel sexual attraction towards women and that just kinda makes my head spin more bc how can i be so sure about that but literally be having an on-going crisis abt romantic attraction)

anyways this is becoming long and ngl im kinda nervous but

tldr: for years, i thought i was just a lesbian who was picky and had commitment issues and now i have had the time to think about my complicated relationship with specifically romantic attraction and now i’m sitting here unable to distinguish my feelings from romantic and just friendship and idk if this is just. a typical experience. or something else. bc the idea of romance/dating isn’t Out Of The Question but i am also terrified and i’m fearing that my “sparks” were just infatuation at the idea of getting attention. but then, the other side of things is that dating and romance doesn’t seem Far Off, i just..... can’t pinpoint what i’m feeling. bc i don’t know!

Ok, secrets in return.. 6, 10, 15, 17...

ooh a lil secret exchange...... like little kids at a slumber party..... love this energy

6) how is your life different now from two years ago

hmm.... july 2018.... tbh not a whole lot has changed since, then, graduate school has a funny way of being all the same all the time. but i can think of a few... 

school/job-wise, i became a doctoral candidate in june 2018 which was just over 2 years ago and that was cool, and my research was finally published in december 2019 which kicked ass. actually the project that was published wasnt even finished until october 2018 so i guess that too. my mentor and i have developed a really great mentor/mentee relationship that i attribute a good amount of personal growth to, bc for like the first time in my life i have someone actively helping me quash a lot of self doubt.

personal life-wise, hmm... in october 2018 i had the plate in my knee removed bc it was severely impeding my recovery and making it hard to walk. i figured out how to sit down on the floor and get up from the floor and go up and down stairs one at a time with a railing, then without a railing, learned how to crouch about halfway to normal, built up my stamina to stay standing for about an hour with minimal discomfort whereas before i suffered if i stood for 10 minutes. the girl that almost killed me was finally arrested and convicted and put in jail which doesn’t fix or reverse anything but still felt like some kind of justice. 

and then personality wise i am just a little less afraid of getting things wrong. still terrified and still impacts my life, but i am able to give things a shot instead of dismissing them outright. led to me finding out i’m pretty good at some stuff i otherwise never would have tried. i’m also a little less afraid of asking for help or setting boundaries. therapy has that effect i guess. 

i’m also way more long-winded than before, i feel like, as presented here. oops. i also feel like i’m much more forgetful and scatterbrained than before. not sure if it’s from stress, or a natural progression of taking on more obligations and learning how to balance them, or a long term side effect of having who knows what pumped into me for a month straight three years ago. maybe all three?

10) do you believe in ghosts

nah. i don’t really have a wordy explanation as to why i don’t so you get a break from the wall of text from the previous question.

15) what is your favorite memory

questions like this are hard bc i have a pretty bad memory and favorite memories only come to me when i encounter something that reminds me of it? it’s really hard to call upon specific memories. but i’ll at least try to think of a nice one from recent memory, i’m sure it’ll be far from my favorite but that’s okay. 

hmm... oh actually my most recent birthday (abt 2.5 weeks ago) was really really nice? nothing super special happened; i got up, i went to work, i went home and bought myself an ice cream cake and video called my family. but throughout the day i had more people wishing me happy birthday than i ever had in my life. i’m a fairly active member of the rq official discord and i had no fewer than 2 dozen people immediately send happy birthday messages if they caught the implication from someone else (maybe more, that server is huge and it’s hard to keep track). and i’m in another, smaller server (you may be familiar uwu) where i’ve pretty fairly recently gotten to know a new group of people that seemed to pretty quickly welcome me into their friend group and i got some really nice birthday sentiments there too. and then at work i didn’t even really tell anyone it was my birthday, but i’m friends with one of my lab mates on facebook and he must have had birthday notifications on because he came by and wished me a happy birthday

obvs the last few months have been really isolating for just about everyone, but tbh it’s been especially hard for me bc i don’t really have many friends to begin with and definitely like no friends in my home town so my minimal social contact of like just small talk at the store and only having real conversations with coworkers being taken away has had me fairly down? but apparently over the past few months i have slowly been submitting myself to the mortifying ordeal of being known, even just a little bit, and reaping the rewards of being loved in return, no matter how small, felt really nice and made it a really special day uwuwuwuwu

17) what ‘small things’ things terrify you

i know i have some intangible existential fears that would definitely seem trivial to some people but see above point about having a really hard time calling upon specific memories, and also i’m in a good mood so i’m not gonna try too hard. but off the top of my head two silly weird fears i have are 1) heights and 2) having people around me start singing. 

1) i know heights are a very common fear/phobia but you don’t understand. i’m talking “i will literally freeze in place if i try to step onto this 4-inch stepstool, like seriously my conscious mind will not be able to lift my second foot onto the step, like it’s bolted to the ground” PETRIFIED of heights. i cannot stand on anything my brain perceives as not-solid-ground. this means i’m actually okay in airplanes and things like the st louis arch. i actually love that shit, i’ll look down at the ground and enjoy the view all day. but the second i have a single doubt about my ability to stay upright, fuck the fight/flight/freeze response. we are on 24/7 freeze/freeze/freeze response LOCKDOWN.

2) i’m talking flash mobs, i’m talking karaoke night, i’m talking people singing happy birthday to me. the idea of it puts me in “find an escape” mode, and being in it gives me the worst second-hand embarrassment ever, even if it’s all in good fun and there’s no reason for anyone involved to be embarrassed. this extends even to movie musical numbers (i actually skipped the scene in the tavern in disney’s tangled bc it gave me weird anxiety) and shit like hearing someone i know from another medium begin to sing (this is why it took me so long to check out the mechs and also why i cannot listen to recordings of friends singing as much as it would mean a lot to them for me to do so). idk if there’s a name for this phenomenon or if i’m the only person on the planet with this weird almost-or-maybe-complete phobia.

10 & 10

I was tagged by @doctorgerth to answer ten questions about myself and then make up ten questions of my own so here we go

♡ ♡ ♡

1. What are your zodiac signs (sun, moon, rising, if you know them) and do you think they fit you pretty well?

Oh man I have a whole list of sun moon rising and everything and I honestly cannot say if any of it fits me but I did my birth chart online because it was a ‘thing’

2. What is your favorite clothing item and/or accessory?

My new favourite things are my Doctor Martin Sandals I love them so much they’re so comfortable

3. Any future children or pet names?

No kids but I do want a black cat called Salem bc of course I do

4. If you could meet anyone (can be past, present, future, real, or fictional) who would it be?

I’d really love to meet Countess Constance Markievicz and pick her brain about what it meant to be a revolutionary during the 1916 uprising. I also want to meet Alina Adzika so I can let her cat Fidel

5. Brag on yourself! What’s something you love about yourself?

I’m the strongest girl in my workplace. I’m also the tallest so there’s that I guess

6. What is a movie or show that you could rewatch a million times and never get tired of?

Lupin III Castle of Cagliostro. I love that movie so much. I will never ever get tired of it.

7. What is your favorite album of all time?

Oh my god I don’t even think I have one singular favourite album but uhhhh maybe Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge since I’m a massive emo on the inside

8. Do you believe in ghosts and/or aliens? If you have stories to back up, plz share.

I 100% believe in ghosts. Here’s a story for you: my paternal grandfather passed away in 2001 and that summer my family and I had gone on holiday. At some point of the morning the day after we arrived at the resort my dad woke up because he thought he could hear someone moving around. Thinking it was myself or my brothers he came out to see if everything was ok but everyone was asleep. I can’t remember how but I remember him telling me that he was certain it was his own dad coming to make sure we were all safe and ok.

9. What do you do/who do you look to for inspiration?

Pinterest is great for outfit inspiration and it also gives me ideas for AUs for OCs just by seeing a photo and having it spark something

10. What is your happiest memory?

Is it bad I can’t think of one? Like I’ve been sitting here wracking my brain and I cannot think of one single ‘happiest’ memory.

✿ ✿ ✿

My questions are:

Did you have a particular childhood stuffed animal etc that you loved above all others?

What’s the embarrassing memory that comes to you last thing at night when you’re trying to sleep?

What’s your favourite flavour of Pringles?

If you won £1m in the morning what would you spend it on?

If you could change your body to reflect your psychical ideals what would you change and why?

What’s your go to binge watch on Netflix?

What sort of cringed teen were you? Emo? Scene? Chav? Gopnik?

Favourite underrated Disney/Animated Movie?

Were you a Barbie or Cindy kid?

What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever gotten in trouble for?

Let’s tag @cryptids-and-starlight @lepetiterik @ you the person reading this who wants to play but thinks “oh no one tagged me I can’t” well guess what I just did

Ask meme - every todoroki :eyes:

lmao BET

(this is super big huge I’m so sorry askdfjsh)

Shouto

NOTP

I don’t?? really think I have one. I’m pretty alright w/ all shouto ships tbh.

BROTP

todomomo. I get the ships but I kinda see em as them Good Supportive Friends that are just close enough that everyone Thinks They’re Dating n cannot believe they’re not but like. they never would. (am I projecting my best friendship onto shouto?? Maybe. fuck off.)

OTP

rn?? enjishouto lmao. I love love enjishouto man,, favorite child lovin,,,,

second choice

I ~guessss~ todobaku?? but tbh I’m not all that into most shouto ships. like we neutral most days. we just stay lovin bakugou + denying they’re friends???? so cute man,,

tied though is reishouto bc mommy kink. I won’t sit here and lie to you I just love gentle mommy kink sm

fluffy pairing

cliche fan fave - tododeku. we love a pair of supportive boyfs. I still do like seeing some tododeku art sometimes cause it makes our heart warm

angsty pairing

enjishouto again - I play things for angst so fuckin much dude,, if I can’t play my otp for angst then it probably isn’t gonna stick.

poly ship

can I say like. natsu/fuyu/enji/shouto. cause siblings that thirst over their hot dad together stay together

however hawks/enji/shouto is an incredibly tasty rarepair. there’s only one fic for it on ao3 but it’s So dang good,, 

weirdest pairing

I guess still enjishouto!! I have a very small amount of ships for the boy, man,,

Fuyumi

NOTP

n/a once again. every fuyumi ship I’ve seen to date or conjure up from crack shipping is cute bc she’s cute. I love seeing her in general.

BROTP

lowkey?? fuyuhawks. I can see them being excellent friends. I know romance takes are also good but. consider this: them chillin and acting goofy.

OTP

fuyunatsu. no question. it was my v first fuyumi ship and I will go down with it. (more explanation below)

second choice

fuyumi/miruko is really good!! maybe that’s just me being all ‘lesbians good’ @ the few fics n art pieces I’ve seen but Still.

fluffy pairing

reiyumi. we Love a girl n her mom huggin tight n kissing softly.

angsty pairing

fuyuenji. I’ve seen such good angst w/ these two man,, makes my heart heart Good ya feel?? them sad n guilty daddy’s girl feels Get Me

poly ship

sibling thorst: the ship (fuyu/natsu/enji/shouto)

weirdest pairing

if I was to make up a weird pairing,,,, bakuyumi. they interact Once but I like ships that are basically ‘we cook and it’s romantic’ (read: natsuki from ddlc anyone?). it’s a lil crack shippy and I’ve never ever seen any material for it, but wouldn’t it be cute to have bakugou cook w/ a cute older woman n have a cute romantic time while he’s all tsundere?? sighs wistfully,,

Natsuo

NOTP

hmm,, I’m honestly thinking I should take this option out. I really do think it cute to think the whole ass todofam w/ Anybody you know??

BROTP

natsushouto. like wow great job viv takin it Literally but as we don’t know much about natsu’s college life, I can’t exactly elect a best friend or nothin, and I Really love the concept of natsu and shouto acting like regular sibs. fighting n competing but hyping each other up, ya know?? sighs wistfully,, I actually really love brotherly dynamics a lot. like shipping em is usually my first thought but I also just???? like seeing em play around n be normal sometimes lmao. is that weird?? that it makes me happy?? idk.

OTP

fuyunatsu!! I love the concept of them constantly being there for each other, plus childish curiosity?? if you got sibs you know what that shit’s like. “you wanna try kissing??”

like listen not to be gross about it either but like. Puberty w/ that like entirety of the house to themselves. you can not tell me horny things never happened.

second choice

enjinatsu has Mad potential. I don’t get to see a lot of content for them but they make my heart happy. love the idea of both them being sweet to each other slowly in a path to forgiveness dotted with confessions and soft embraces,,,, or of course guilty dad thirst. both are Tasty

fluffy pairing

fuyunatsu is Cute. listen I want em to cuddle and support each other though they’re so different. like foils, ya know?? I am very weak for natsu having a weakness for fuyumi’s gentleness (though that could be said for the whole todofam. stan fuyumi)

angsty pairing

hmm,, I guess that’d be enjinatsu?? path to forgiveness enjinatsuo I can see being v feelsy and Tasty.

poly ship

sibling thorst Again.

weirdest pairing

man I don’t think any of these could be counted as Not weird. enjinatsu maybe?? as their dynamic is rather complicated n versatile + parent/child. I think the Least weird ship I’ve ever considered w/ him though would be natsuhawks, but I’ve not seen a lot of material for them nor do I have any ideas for dynamics. they just look nice together.

Touya (dabi)

NOTP

okay I’ll be real w/ you I lied I do have One notp and it’s dabihawks (hotwings). it’s. it’s okay, I’ll admit, but it kinda squicks me out in canon verses. like, reverse aus, genderswap aus, most aus really that slightly shift the dynamic, I’m good w/ dabihawks, but Not In Canon or any approximations of it.

(big rant on why, feel free to skip)

I guess antis just kinda fucked it up for me?? I was kinda neutral when it first was proposed, ya know like ‘oh that’s cute!! not for me but more power to ya!!’ but then dabihawks shippers started getting in hawksdeavor shippers’ faces n giving the usual arguments against age gap ships (as if a villain/hero ship was so uwu pure n unproblematic), and then there came the ‘hawks will betray the heroes and become a villain for dabi’ theories from them and it just. that was 2018 and it Still makes me uncomfortable to think about. 

I very much enjoyed hawks’ double agent thing!! but I knew an infiltration mission would end with betrayal from the beginning and that’s what I liked about it. him doing the absolute Most for the heroes even if it feels scummy to do so. I was Devastated for a moment when I saw hawks’ first meetup w/ dabi and it looked like he might be spying for them, but then we were quickly assured that it was a ploy and I was like Oh My God Thank God I Near Had A Heart Attack. but other people, the loudest group being dabihawks shippers, were dissatisfied with this and wanted canon to take a different direction and I Dunno Man, I just had very strong emotions about that and still do. 

I love hero hawks in all his double agent endeavor fanboy glory and people wanting to take it a different direction in canon felt like a blatant kind of???? idk defacing of character almost, even though that’s a mega mega mega dramatic way to put it loL don’t ask me why I got such strong feelins about it I couldn’t explain it if I wanted. I’d love to go back to being chill about it I really really would.

BROTP

idk, I think I might not???? have one for him. he seems kinda all or nothing to me, very intense w/ his emotions. if I was to Name one off the top of my head, maybe maybe togadabi, but even then I’m kinda hm on it.

OTP

first and favorite dabi ship is 1000% shigadabi. not even in most canon settings; I just like them chilling and being lovey (and going on large scale crime dates).

second choice

probably shoutodabi?? not Big on most dabi ships but love that older bro angst.

fluffy pairing

shigadabi bby!! if I wanna imagine dabi soft ever then shigadabi is a Lovely escape, canon absolutely notwithstanding.

natsutouya is also a good one to imagine, what w/ the image of them cuddling making my heart Warm

angsty pairing

shoutodabi. I saw this one reunion fic of them and I had So Many Emotions oh my god.

dabihaul is also a good candidate, though it’s less Angst more hurt little comfort. (not to mention I don’t ship it much myself lol a friend sold me on their interp) it’s not very emotional as I like my angst, more just got them whump aesthetics.

poly ship

good question. I’ve highkey not thought about it smH - maybe if I just,,,, *takes shoutodabi n shigadabi n smooshes them together*

idek how that’d work as a dynamic dude I Don’t KnoW LMAO

weirdest pairing

I guess enjidabi?? I think about it from time to time but I dunno how the dynamic would work but. very angsty whatever it is. lots of apology sexy times in my mind’s eye.

Rei

NOTP

n/a - rei is definitely one I will take any ship for.

BROTP

enjirei - I’m doing this out of order so I wrote the explanation on enji’s lmaO see below for details

OTP

oh man otp???? good question,, I’m a v big fan of reishouto tho. gentle mom lovin,,

second choice

rei/inko is also a good one!! something I still think is very cute from my early days in the fandom. just a couple of moms supporting each other and going on cute park dates,,

fluffy pairing

rei/inko is def the fluffiest. however, it can be argued that rei/anybody has good fluff material. rei is so,,,, ethereal lookin???? she looks like a flower or a ghost,, like breeze rustling sheer curtains in an empty sun lit room. gentle on the eyes but hella poignant. I can imagine her bein soft w/ everyone n everyone.

angsty pairing

reitouya. For Sure. rei taking care of her lost eldest who’s finally come home, ya know???? Sobs,,,,,,,, I don’t see shippy content of them ever but reunion fics/art Get Me

poly ship

this one might be a little weird, but inko/rei/mitsuki. I’ve only seen material for it Once but in my head it’s taking the cute mom ships of inko/rei and inko/mitsuki to make the Ultimate Supportive Mom Ship. and maybe masaru is there too supporting this bc I think he’s really good tbh I don’t want him sad or lonely.

weirdest pairing

uhhhhhh,,, idk man probably polyship is the only “Weird”/super rare one. mitsuki ain’t exactly gentle mom:tm: after all, but I think her spice goes well w/ it all, ya know?? inko n rei being gentle and mitsuki being the hype who arranges more fun dates n such for them to all take a cuddle pile nap afterwards,, and you know she’s the hype woman for the trio. 

Enji

NOTP

never met an enji ship I didn’t like tbh. they’re all good and I will fight on that.

BROTP

highkey?? enjirei. I ship em romantically sometimes, but I really like the idea of them divorced and getting other lovers but supporting each other fullheartedly. love that solidarity. like shit I could see them still living together n such but they just. drop the husband/wife shtick and support each other like friends.

OTP

enjishouto!! y’all been knew.

second choice

hawksdeavor is a longstanding fave. we love that fanboy/idol dynamic sm,,

fluffy pairing

oh jeez fluffy,, maybe enji/burnin?? I can see her being very energetic n supportive and being rewarded w/ soft forehead kisses. soft boss crush even if it’s one sided.

angsty pairing

both enjishouto and hawksdeavor provide Wonderful angst. the flavor is Immaculate y’all should try it.

poly ship

enji/the rest of the todofam/hawks/happiness. pls lma o

I am very much an enjibowl enthusiast, can y’all tell?? I just want him Smothered in love sometimes.

weirdest pairing

hmm,, enji/tsukauchi. I saw a doujin for it once and it was Lovely. an absolute crackship, but I love the hero/detective dynamic of toshinori/tsukauchi, but toshinori just doesn’t give it enough Spice in most interps I see. now enji being tsun n aggressive + level headed detective tsukauchi,, that was a tasty doujin for sure.

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desire (s)

word count - 2.3k

warnings - smut, drinking, edging, cussing, yunho-related heart problems

member - Yunho of ATEEZ

request - “uh, can i have a yunho smut bc ur first was so fricking good. to be a slight pain, is it ok if it correlates to the song desire by them, bc yunho’s chorus is wow. if you like specifics, i’d prefer him to be the dominant one. ok love u lots uwu.”

a/n - thank you so much for your request i’m cheesing, i hope you like it!

I did not need anything // the moment I first saw you // I cannot stop thinking about it

The music was deafening and the lights were blinding, but you didn’t mind. You were happy to lose yourself in the crowd. The cup in your hand was filled with some mix of a drink, but you weren’t picky - you just needed a buzz strong enough to help you forget about your mess of a week, and in that case this drink was working wonderfully. You swayed to the music, getting lost in the sounds around you.

Yunho watched you from the corner of the room, captivated by the way you moved, and slowly worked up the nerve to approach you. You were, by far, the most beautiful person at this wreck of a party, you could have anyone in this room if you wanted to. He was just hoping that you would want him, too.

You felt someone looking at you, your buzz fading slightly as you looked for who it could be. You thought your eyes were deceiving you when you turned and made eye contact with easily the most attractive man you’ve ever seen. He smirked slightly at you, bringing his cup up to his lips without looking away from you. You smirked back, turning back towards the DJ at the front of the room, swaying your hips slightly to the beat, hoping the man would come over and introduce himself.

You look like bursting starlight // my heart is swallowed by the light, oh no // oh I’m blind

Yunho watched you turn back around, knowing the game you were playing and deciding to play along. He stayed in the corner for just a few moments longer, downing the rest of his drink, before pushing off the wall and walking slowly in your direction.

You continued to sway to the music, thinking maybe your eyes were deceiving you after all. Just as you were about to forget the handsome man in the corner, you felt hands grab your hips. Somehow you knew it was him, and he pulled your body closer until your back was against his chest. You continued dancing, swaying your hips in time with the music as you rubbed against the man behind you.

He bends down and begins leaving small kisses on your neck as he grabs your hips tighter.

I’m gonna get it somehow // it’s why I’m breathing // I can’t take it anymore

“My name is Yunho,” the man whispered into your ear as he continued to kiss down your neck.

“Y/N,” you responded breathily.

“Y/N,” he repeated, smiling against your sensitive skin.

As time went on, the alcohol made you more and more bold and slowly diverted your attention to the ache forming between your legs. Yunho was also having difficulties controlling himself, the way you were dancing on him was making him absolutely wild. Finally, he couldn’t control it anymore and he spun you around to face him. You were slightly taken aback by the insanely handsome man in front of you, but you weren’t sure if he was really that attractive or if it was the alcohol making you think that way.

Suddenly, he wrapped his arms around you and pulled you closer to him.

His eyes traveled over your face before asking, “Can I kiss you?”

“Please,” you muttered softly. He pressed his lips against yours roughly, taking you by surprise. He wasted no time in pushing his tongue into your mouth and pulling you tightly against his chest. His hands wandered over your body in the dark, while yours were wrapped around his neck.

He pulled away. “Do you want to get out of here?”

“Fucking hell, I thought you would never ask.”

Oh, I just can’t help it myself // the desire for you // so selfish, oh yeah // I’m going there

You don’t even remember getting into the cab, but here you were sitting next to him on the way to his apartment. His hand was on your thigh, dangerously close to your center, and it was driving you absolutely mad. You placed your hand on his leg, sliding slowly towards the evident bulge in his pants. He flashed you a warning look as your hand made its journey, but you paid no attention. He squeezed your thigh as a final warning before he inhaled sharply.

You threw your jacket over your laps as you continued to palm him through his jeans. Yunho was quick to retaliate, using the hand on your thigh to push your legs apart before moving up and rubbing you. He used his other hand to pull out his phone, trying to appear nonchalant if the driver were to look back.

You struggled to contain yourself, the alcohol combined with the teasing kisses Yunho was leaving on your neck at the party left you extra sensitive. Before your teasing could progress any farther, the cab had arrived at Yunho’s apartment. He quickly paid the driver and exited the car, grabbing your hand and pulling you to his door.

My heart is beating so fast // heart beating so fast

Once you were inside, he immediately pushed you up against the door, pressing his body into yours. His hands grabbed your hips and pulled them into his so you could feel how hard he was as he pushed against your heat. He slid one of his hands down to the back of your thigh, lifting your leg up and wrapping it around his waist - allowing him to press himself harder against your core. He breathily kisses down the side of your neck, your head lulling back against the door with a sigh.

Suddenly he picked you up, your back still pressed against the door but both of your legs were now wrapped around his waist. He reconnected your lips and carried you towards his bedroom, the only thing you could hear was the intense pounding of your heart and your unsteady breaths through the kisses.

Can’t stop nobody else // can’t nobody else // I want it

He threw you down on the bed, quickly climbing over you and roughly pressing his lips against yours. He laid his body down on top of yours, grinding against you lightly as your kiss deepened. Your fingers wrapped themselves in his hair and pulled slightly, causing Yunho to groan lowly into your kiss. His hands roughly grabbed your thighs, once again pulling them to wrap around his waist. He continued to grind against you, the friction causing your eyes to roll back.

“You look so beautiful like this,” he mumbled against your lips before pulling your lower lip between his teeth. You couldn’t help the small moan that escaped your lips.

He pulled away from you, staring down at you seriously. “Do that again,” he said.

I’ll get it in the end // it’s a man’s hunch

You pushed Yunho’s shoulder, rolling him onto his back before you climbed on top of him, resting your center on his hardened length. You teasingly roll your hips against his, hating the tiny amount of friction you were receiving but loving the frustrated look on Yunho’s face. You continued to slowly grind onto him before leaning down and pressing one long kiss to his lips and then moving down his neck. Your hands pushed up on the hem of his shirt, and he sat up suddenly with you still on his lap, to pull the shirt off.

Your eyes trailed down his chest, drinking in the sight before you. He smirked to himself before pulling your shirt over your head abruptly. You pushed him back down, and began to trail kisses down his torso. Your head continued downwards until you were at eye level with his length, you pressed a kiss against it through his jeans, causing Yunho to lose all of his self control.

Until one’s dreams come true/ imma keep going

Yunho flipped you back over, his hand now furiously rubbing your center as he ghosted kisses down your chest. He pulled your jeans off swiftly and discarded them somewhere in his room before returning his attention to you. He trailed his mouth upwards and began leaving small hickies on the tops of your breasts as his hands slipped behind your back to unclasp your bra. He threw it over his shoulder and quickly brought his mouth down to begin kissing and biting your nipple while his hand gave the other one attention.

You bucked your hips impatiently, needing more than what he was giving you.

“Patience, princess,” he growled against your chest.

He sat up and quickly took off his pants and boxers, your desperation only increasing after seeing how hard he was. He leaned down and began kissing you ferociously, his hand sliding your panties to the side as he slipped two fingers into you, quickly thrusting them in and out. The quick change in pleasure had you feeling slightly dizzy, and you moaned loudly against his lips.

It’s still a long way off // I don’t know how to get tired anymore

He all but ripped your panties off of you, not giving them any attention after they had left your legs. He quickly pulled on a condom, not wasting any time. He positioned himself at your entrance, looking into your eyes to make sure you were alright with doing this. You gave him a quick nod and a soft smile, and he pushed himself into you. You both gasped, after feeling so little pleasure the sudden overwhelming amount caught you both off guard.

He began slowly rocking in and out of you, letting you adjust to his size. Your eyes rolled back into your head and soft moans began spilling out of your mouth, coercing Yunho to go faster. You opened your eyes and saw Yunho’s eyes screwed shut with pleasure, biting his lip to keep from moaning.

You grabbed his face and brought him down for a kiss. “Let me hear you,” you whispered against his mouth.

Keep going until the end // I still have a long way to go

Yunho continued to thrust into you, spreading your legs farther apart so he could hit deeper within you. He roughly grabbed your breast, pinching your nipple with one hand while his other held your arms above your head. He kissed down your neck again, sucking on the supple skin and drawing louder moans from your lips.

He changed his position slightly, and suddenly he hit a spot in you that had never been hit before. You all but screamed his name at the feeling, and the sound left Yunho speechless. He thrusted into you faster and faster trying to hit that spot again.

“Moan my name, baby. Let everyone know who’s making you feel this way.”

Right in front of my eyes // you’re like a treasure in a dream // just thinking about it..

Yunho flipped you over so you were now on your hands and knees in front of him. He entered you again, but didn’t give you time to adjust before he began mercilessly pounding into you. Your arms were growing weak with the amount of pleasure you were feeling as Yunho reached around and began rubbing your clit. You moaned loudly, loving the way he felt inside of you. His member kept brushing against that spot that had you seeing stars, and you knew that if he kept it up it wouldn’t be long before you reached your climax. 

He knew it too, but he wasn’t going to let you go that easily.

He began rubbing your clit faster, and pounding into you harder - knowing by the way that your walls clenched around him that you were quickly approaching your orgasm - before he pulled out suddenly. 

You flipped around to look at him, exasperatedly asking, “What the fu-”

Your voice caught in your throat as he roughly pushed himself back into you.

I’m trembling // oh no

Yunho enjoyed the way your face contorted from annoyance to confusion to bliss. He loved knowing that he was making you feel so good. He continued to pound into you, his lips attached to your breast. 

“Fuck, Yunho,” you moaned out, making him groan in response. God damn he loved it when you moaned his name like that.

“Moan my name,” he growled, and you did. His name left your lips in a whisper at first, but as he pounded into you harder it turned into a scream. 

“That’s what I thought,” he smirked. 

This tremor won’t be the end of anyone // we can’t predict anything // I love my desire

Yunho was quickly approaching his climax, and he could tell you were approaching yours again. He pressed his lips against yours and you pulled him closer to your body, wrapping your legs around his waist, allowing him to hit deeper inside of you. 

Loud moans were spilling from both of you, the crude sound of sex being the only other audible thing. He peppered kisses down your body, loving the way you looked with his hickies all over you. 

“Fuck, I’m about to cum,” you whined. He reached his hand between you to rub your clit again, your toes curling from the stimulation. Your climax approached quickly, and the feeling of you hitting your climax was enough to bring Yunho to his. He slowly stopped thrusting into you, pulling out carefully so as to not hurt you, and then discarding the used condom and throwing himself down next to you on the bed.

He pressed a short, sweet kiss to your lips. “You should sleep here tonight,” he said, already pulling you into your arms.

Blinded by it // I love my desire

Survey #175

“imagine living like a king someday, a single night without a ghost in the walls.”

Have you ever had a teacher hit on you? Not to my recollection. Have you ever seen your ex’s new partner? If so, what do you think of them? I don't know or care if he currently has one. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months? Done it twice now, it's not difficult if you're picky and serious with who you date. Does anybody know about your sex life other than your partners? Well my mom was somewhat aware of things that were happening. What was the last piece of candy you ate? Good question. I got my tongue re-pierced because of a bar length issue with swelling, and now this one is just shy of long enough to disable me from biting down entirely (they're snake eyes, so across the tip). I'm only just getting back into eating soft things very slowly unless I want pain, so candy's a no. I have to wait no less than three weeks to get a correctly-sized bar, and it's only been just over one aaaahhh. Have you ever been dared to do something you totally regretted? No. Is your room painted or wallpapered? Painted. What is the best kind of pizza in your opinion? I'm an American I stan them meat lovers. Is there something that someone has done to you that you cannot forgive? No. Well actually idk, I still don't know for *sure* if I forgive him. Like I'm completely over it and it no longer affects me, but I could never ever ever ever look at him even remotely the same or even consider trusting him. I don't think that's supposed to happen when you forgive someone. Have you ever broken a plate/bowl? Accidentally by dropping. What is your favorite restaurant? Olive Garden. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? I don't think so. Do you know anyone who has a homosexual parent? No. What type of music could this world live without? Pure screamo (no, not as a carpet term for metal). Are any of your pets “overweight”? No. Who’s the last person you cried over? Does myself count? Did the house you grew up in have a fence? Yeah, but not all around. What’s your YouTube channel name? 0zzkat. Who of your FB friends has the cutest toddler(s)? Uhhhh idk. Anastasia's baby girl is pretty cute, I guess. Did you decorate pumpkins this year? No. :/ They were totally gone the day we were gonna get one (the day before Halloween so no, we weren't that surprised lmao). What’s the craziest color you’d dye your hair? More like what color WOULDN'T I dye it? What’s the coolest hobby one of your friends has? Uhhh. Idk. Name a video game you can play over and over again? Shadow of the Colossus. I've beaten it around 30 times. Would be more if I didn't lose the disc, buuut it's actually coming in the mail now! What is something that will make you laugh instantly? Don't show me that fucking Linkin Park "crawling in my crawl" worm video. Name a movie you wouldn’t watch solely based on its name? None come to mind. What’s your dearest souvenir? *shrugs* What was the last strong scent you smelled? Probably coffee bc of Mom. Have you ever been in an unconventional relationship (long distance, polyamorous, same gender, age gap, etc)? If so, what challenges did this relationship present, and were they worth overcoming? Long instance + same-sex simultaneously. Distance is fucking hard when you really want each other's company, especially for emotional support. Being same-sex makes me nervous due to potential violent homophobics, especiiiiaaaally living where I do. I do it regardless, but even just holding hands leaves me worrying some asshole is going to cause a problem. I know my sister's husband isn't at all fond of it either and I'm 99% sure he's why Sara's never met the kids. But anyway, all those things are absolutely worth it. Would you ever consider something like a poly relationship, assuming everyone involved was alright with it? What are some things you think you would or wouldn’t like about it? Absolutely not, because I strictly believe in the exclusiveness of love. What is the most unhealthy relationship (whether friendship or romantic) you’ve ever had? What made it so unhealthy? Do you still talk to each other? Colleen, probably. We are just about the antitheses of each other, yet we were "best friends." We disagreed too frequently, she was drama-ravenous, we kept leaving and coming back, etc. No, we don't talk now, and I refuse to ever do so again as friends. Have you ever been abusive in any way? Were you able to change or make amends, or, in general, what do you think people should do to make amends in that situation? No. I absolutely do not believe in "making amends" with your abuser. Keep them the fuck out of your life. Have you ever forgiven someone for being abusive or allowed someone toxic back into your life? Did this person change for the better or not? Toxic... you mean Colleen? Did it too many times, and no, she didn't. Do you feel like your age matches your emotional development? If not, what age level or maturity level do you feel best represents where you’re at? Part of me says no, another says yes. I guess it depends on the subject. What is one thing about your personality that embarrasses you, but you can’t seem to change it no matter how hard you try? Have other people called you out on this embarrassing thing? Being socially awkward as all hell, and yes. When was the last time you did something “meant” for children? Do you think it’s okay for adults to do these things (ie. watch cartoons, have stuffed animals, dress in cute clothing, etc), or do you think there’s an age beyond which it becomes unacceptable - and if so, why? I was playing Spyro just earlier today lmao. In almost all cases, no. I do believe that something like a full-grown adult playing pretend with dolls or something may be questionable, but even then there's not a real reason I can give you. What was the last thing to “trigger” you (as in, in a true mental health sense, I’m being serious here) and how did you cope with it? What kinds of things do you tend to find triggering? What do you do either avoid or face your triggers? Something PTSD-related, but I can't remember exactly what it was, I guess because I got past it pretty quickly. There are certain songs I should avoid, I canNOT look at the medicine I ODed on, I don't like seeing or being near large knives at all... If you’re diagnosed with anything, do you feel that it accurately represents what you’re experiencing? All of them, yeah. What is a complaint you have about the mental health industry or about the type of treatment you’ve received from a mental health service? Have you ever had any particularly bad therapy experiences? I feel that too many people working in the field care far more about the pay than the people. I can't guarantee a professional truly cared about what I was dealing with until Holly Hill. I've had one particularly horrible psychiatrist that threw diagnoses and pills around like they were nothing (the most ridiculous being ADHD, which I in no way exhibited), and a long-time therapist I had was pretty bad, something I realized only after I started with my current one. She was strict about that "you've got an hour, you're staying an hour, you're leaving no later" shit, and we always ran out of things to talk about so I'd just be sitting there super uncomfortably and numerous times start crying because I felt so awkward, and she'd just take it as a sign that I wasn't telling her something. She drove "and how does that make you feel" and "what're you thinking of" into the goddamn ground. Yeesh, having been a mental health patient for so long, I could really write a novel here. When was the last time you realized you might be the source of a problem and NOT someone else? Hm, idk. I'm so uninvolved with others that that's a hard question to answer. What are some minor physical discomforts that really bug you (eyelash in your eye, a wedgie, rumpled socks, etc)? HAVING THE BOTTOMS OF YOUR PANTS GET WET. I hate chapped lips, too. Do you prefer vertical or horizontal stripes? Horizontal. Have you ever ridden a motorcycle? No. Are you ticklish? YEAH. Have you ever tried to make your own alcohol? No. If you were to join one of the armed forces, which would it be? I wouldn’t. Have you ever been in a submarine? No. Have you ever been in a hot tub or sauna? Only hot tubs. Do you believe there used to be dragons? No. What was your first alcoholic drink? A Mike's hard lemonade. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? Idk, I was a baby. What was your first detention for? Too many tardies. Did you ever have a treehouse as a kid? No. Have you ever been on radio? No. How long has your longest ever phone call been? A few hours. What is a meal you eat extremely often? Or do your meals & food choices vary a lot? Ummm I guess some kind of chicken is common? When was the last time you felt unable or unwilling to speak your mind to someone? Idk. What was the last thing you changed your mind about? Uhhhh how am I blanking, I change my mind on things every five minutes. Who was the last friend you saw, and what did you do together? Sara's both my girlfriend but also the only "friend" I ever hang with now even tho we live several states apart lmao. I was there two weeks, so we did an array of stuff. Who tends to show up in your dreams? Do you ever wonder if you appear in anyone else’s dreams? Hell, I barely ever remember my dreams. Jason still shows up maybe ehhhh around or maybe less than once a month, and I have no clue why other than maybe there's some PTSD effects I don't actually detect or something? It's not like I think about him much, so I really don't see why he shows up, but the theme is constant: awkwardness seeing each other again, and he sometimes tries to get back with me (thank FUCKING GOD even in my dreams, I don't). Sara's in some dreams that I remember. Mom, maybe. What is something you wish you could say to someone who is no longer in your life, or something you wish they could know? Nothing. What is something you do to feel better when you’re scared? I'll usually turn to YouTube for a distraction. Who do you feel you can count on the most in life? Is there anyone you wish you could count on more? Mom. What is the strangest book you have ever read? How did you find out about it? Probably Bite Me by idr-who. I actually don't remember. What was the last thing you broke? How about fixed? Another sensor came off the keyboard. :') I dunno about fixed. Is there a sign or symbol that means a lot to you for whatever reason (eg. seeing certain animals or birds, 11:11 or other repeating numbers, syncs, butterflies, hearts in nature, etc)? Butterflies and semicolons. Hence my semicolon butterfly tattoo. Do you have any personal ghost stories or paranormal experiences? Yeah. What do you get complimented on the most? My hair. What is something unusual that you find attractive? why does?????? everyone hate fedoras tbh?????????? What time do you tend to eat your first meal of the day? And your last? BOY this varies so much like fuck. Sometimes I don't eat breakfast at all, sometimes I do right when I get outta bed. Dinner can be at like almost 10:00 with Mom's schedule, or I may have it like five hours earlier. What was the subject of the last video you watched? I'm getting into a horror LPer and I'm binging her Silent Hill playthroughs. How would you describe your overall aesthetic? I like pink but bloody guts and brains are cool 2. What is the most challenging meal you have ever cooked? N/A What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid? Play video/computer games. Have you ever been close to drowning? No. Do you watch any Japanese anime? Not currently, but I've kinda had the urge to pick an interesting one up? Do you have someone who is protective of you (father, brother, etc.)? Mom and Sara above anyone else. Where was the last place you went, that you hadn’t been to before? Uhhhhh good question. I don't exactly go to new places often. Do you have any bad habits you aren’t working on changing? If so, do you ever think you’ll try to break them? I don't believe so off the top of my head? Then again I think everyone has little bad habits they don't try to improve upon, but I can't think of anything serious. When was the last time someone surprised you with their reaction or behaviors? I'm sure something with Mom, but idk what. Are you good at committing to things like Nanowrimo or Inktober? Nope. What is your preferred method of expressing yourself? Writing. Or drawing if I'm in the mood. Have you ever reached out to a crisis center for mental health support? If so, how was the experience? I tried to reach the suicide hotline via their online one-on-one chatroom because I was too afraid to actually call, but I ended up waiting I think 45 minutes before the OD happened. When was the last time you did something you were afraid to do, and how was the outcome? I drove at night and ordered food at a drive-thru myself. It went well. What is one positive thing you believe about yourself? I have a strong sense of right and wrong. What is something you have been through that has made you stronger? Depression as a whole. Other than money, what is something you wish you had more of in your life? Social life, success, and motivation to name a few. Is there anything that you tend to ignore for the sake of your sanity? Sure. Mental health stuff flares up sometimes if I think about some things too deeply. What was the last thing you argued or debated about? Did you eventually agree, or did you have to agree to disagree? Getting rid of Bentley, and neither, really. Mom knows we shouldn't have him for a world of reasons, yet she refuses to try to find a far more suitable home for him or at least talk to Nicole about it (he's her dog, but she doesn't live here), who's never even paid him almost any attention. I could rant about this for hours. What is something you wish was different about your family? THAT WE WERE CLOSER. What is your main struggle or focus in life right now? Getting out of the house/becoming more of a functioning adult. Are you more dramatic or stoic? I'm neither extreme, really, but I'd say I'm much further from stoic. Are you on medication for anything? If so, do you feel like it helps? Have you ever been afraid to take medication or had a particularly bad experience with it? A lot, but the only ones I feel don't work are the ones for my tremors and knees. I was on one med for a while that I was scared to take because it made me vomit (safe to say I wasn't on it long), and even my life-saver med made me sick at first, but I took prescription nausea pills to ride that out as my body adjusted. Do you prefer having long or short nails? Short, but not too short. When was the last time you had an argument with one of your parents? Idr. Do you tend to eat the same few things all the time or do you vary your intake? Would you consider yourself to be a picky eater? Are there any commonly enjoyed foods that you don’t like? I'm picky and definitely have a limited palate. Some foods I can think of for the last question include fried chicken, BBQ, watermelon, tacos, all cheeses but American, aaaand I'm blanking again in an area I should have a book about. Do you have good body image? Do you feel more confident about your body or your personality? What is one thing about yourself about which you do feel particularly confident? Ha, as if, so personality. I like how open-minded I am. How likely are you to compliment other people? How do you react or respond when you receive a compliment? What are your favorite types to receive? It depends on the person, the atmosphere, and my anxiety level. I sometimes fear complimenting people because I don't want someone to be like "um why is she talking to me?"/"is she flirting with me?"/"why did she notice that?", etc. I become so giddy (at the very least internally) when people compliment me because of how my self-esteem is, and I really appreciate them. The compliments that mean most to me are regarding my photography. With how badly I want to be a successful photographer, people seeming to genuinely like what I do has actually made me smile like an idiot and giggle publicly. It just means a lot to me. Describe the last thing you reblogged? How many posts do you tend to reblog during a day? A clip of Mark having a fit over a dog in RDR2. How much I reblog varies greatly; depends on how much I get on Tumblr that day, what I feel like sharing at that moment, what I queue... Have you ever lost your cool at work or somewhere else important? What happened as a result? No. Do you listen to your friends’ advice when they give it to you? Depends. If it's Sara, I usually do. What’s the last kind of soup you ate? Vegetable. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? It is pierced. The most memorable time that you skipped school, what did you do? I don't recall. Did you ever have a favorite teacher in high school? What made them your favorite? Coach Collie. He was very friendly, wise, his sense of humor was great, he cared deeply for his students, was super chill, shared life advice all the time, etc. etc. Can you think of a time when you were really obviously judged by your appearance? What happened? Not that I recall. What’s something your mother told you growing up that you actually listened to? Mind your manners. What are three emotions you experience regularly? Stress, content, but also discontent. What is your favorite Halloween candy? Reese's. Is there anyone who refuses to communicate with you? *shrugs* What was the last lengthy packet you filled out? Something for vocational rehab. Is there something you still can’t do even though you’re an adult or might be expected to do this thing? I don't have a job or drive. When was the last time you congratulated someone? Were you happy for them, indifferent, jealous? When I found out one of my closest high school friends is pregnant. I was obviously happy for her. What would you say is your STRONGEST emotion? Maybe not the most frequent, but the most intense? And what emotion do you feel most weakly, even if you might feel it more often? Anger; envy (but it's not often). Have you ever gone somewhere in your pajamas? What makes this acceptable or unacceptable to you? Plenty times, but it depends on my level of shits given and the location. Honestly wish pjs were more acceptable in public places cuz like why not, you've got clothes on, just don't go around where everyone can totally see your dick, ass, or tits. Other than the usual things like IDs, etc, what do you always carry with you when you go out? My phone. What type of photography do you enjoy looking at? Do you take any photos yourself, and if so, what types of things do you prefer to photograph? LOTS!!!! I particularly love fantasy-styled portraiture or macabre work, and omg give me soft lighting. I'm a sucker for emotive or conceptual portraits and the like. I like to photograph an array of things, but my faves are nature and animals. Have you ever gone out for the Black Friday shopping rush? Did you enjoy it, or not so much? Or, what’s the busiest shopping day you’ve ever experienced? Nope. Busiest shopping day I indirectly experienced was when I worked at GameStop during the holiday season... nope. It's a small store and it was flooded. I hated it. Idk about one where I/my family was the shopper. Do you enjoy reading diaries or stories you wrote from when you were younger, or does it embarrass you? If you’ve kept them, was there a particular reason for hanging on to them so long? No. No. No. NO. I can't stomach going any further back than '15 at the RP forum because fucking cringe. All old stuff like physical journals and such, they're long gone because I never want to see them again lmao. What would you say was your first true hobby? What about your most recently developed one? Hmmm, probably video games were the first things I was *really* deep into. Recently developed... good question. Is there one thing that throws off your mood more than others, whether it be lack of sleep, lack of food, heat/cold, etc? I'M FUCKING /CRANKY/ IF I'M HOT. Serious lack of sleep makes me moodier. What is one common area of life in which you feel you have little to no experience (college, children, marriage, etc)? Work and independence. What kinds of things are you likely to complain about? HEAT. If it's hot to me, you're gonna know. I'll complain if my stomach especially hurts, sometimes with other pain. Do you like to put any extra effort into your food in terms of presentation, or do you prefer to just put it on a plate and eat it as it is, no frills? I don't cook, so. But I'd definitely be the latter. When was the last time you were mean or rude to someone else? How about the last time someone acted that way toward you? I hung up on this insurance agency or whatever they are that call me every other goddamn day. I dunno about the second question. What kinds of things are most likely to make you lose your temper? Have you ever done something regrettable or embarrassing while angry? I fucking dare you to ridicule the mentally ill in front of me. Goddamn dare you. For the second part, not to my recollection. Do you have a large dog? No, both our dogs are medium-sized. If not, are you afraid of them? Not at all. Do your parents know that/if you smoke? I don't. What is the reason you last received money? Mom borrowed some from me so she was paying me back. Is anyone in your family sick? Not to my knowledge. Are you very upfront about things or do you "beat around the bush"? The latter, typically. Do you ever write poetry just to get your feelings out? Not really anymore. Middle and high school? I was all about it. I wrote only one poem this year. How many bones have you broken? None. Whose house did you visit last? My sister Ashley's. Have you ever bought a fragrance by a celeb because you liked who it was? No. Do you have a gazebo at your house? No. What’s your favorite brand of bottled water? Essentia.

reading hamlet for the first time (act 5: the finale)

masterlist

none of you told me it was going to be this painful . none of you.

a5s1

“Ophelia’s dead.” “Enter CLOWNS!”

Like im sure this has a different meaning in EMA but im gonna make fun of it because it’s fucking hilarious. (future (present? (now past once more (?))) antares coming back to say i did look at nfs and yeah theyre gravediggers)

“First Clown: What is he that builds stronger than either the mason, the shipwright, or the carpenter? Second Clown: The gallows-maker; for that frame outlives a thousand tenants.” damn not even just this one quote but these are some depressing clowns

hamlet and horatio!

okay there’s something about all of hamlet’s skull talk that makes me uneasy. like, not even the topic, just something in the words and how earnestly and (pardon my pun) gravely hamlet’s speaking about this. and it’s almost a mournful tune, too. it’s a huge difference from his “we’ll all be eaten by the same worms” speech to the point that it’s almost haunting.

“HAMLET: I will speak to this fellow.” C O N F R O N T

“HAMLET: I think it be thine, indeed; for thou liest in't.” (incomprehensible scribbling)

HAMLET, NOT IN ENGLAND: oh yeah lol he was sent to england huh u know why lmao

wait. did the. did the pirate situation get resolved. before act V.

I mean i think hamlet mentioned something about three years but the pirates are so fucking glossed over like what the fuck

“First Clown: 'Twill, a not be seen in him there; there the men are as mad as he.” HOLY SHIT ROAST THEM JFC

“HAMLET: Let me see. (Takes the skull)” THIS IS THE SKULL SCENE! I fucking KNEW it was bullshit that holding the skull was in the to be/not to be speech. I saw it being presented as such like once or twice while reading and I KNEW IT

hm okay so hamlet picks up this guys skull, of someone he used to know, and sure maybe i could ignore the “those lips i have kissed” but then he goes on to mention alexander the great and i mean come on

but jesus like i feel like im not doing justice to the stuff hamlet’s saying. just, the gravity of it all. Its kinda hitting home a bit hard bc like ive had a crippling fear of what happens after death and being forgotten etc since i was like in fourth grade and this is @ing that phobia

like, with that julius ceasar thing. “O that that earth which kept the world in awe / should patch a wall to expel the winter flaw,” it’s so strange. like, every fucking human who has lived, whether they be emperors, murderers, inventors, peasants, or philanthropists- as long as they weren’t blind, they’ve all looked at the same sky. like. It doesnt matter what the fuck you did or didn’t. It’s wild.

“First Priest: No more be done: We should profane the service of the dead To sing a requiem and such rest to her As to peace-parted souls.” hey i get that there are cultural taboos around suicide but like this guy’s a dick it isnt even clear if it was suicide, like, she was so fucking crazy she might not have even known she was, y’know, in a lake or w/e

laertes, dude, my guy. maybe jumping into a grave is cosmic foreshadowing for something you don’t want to happen to you. js.

“HAMLET: [Advancing] What is he whose grief Bears such an emphasis? whose phrase of sorrow Conjures the wandering stars, and makes them stand Like wonder-wounded hearers? This is I, Hamlet the Dane. (Leaps into the grave)” hamlet is NOT one to be out-extra’d (posting-antares here to say, wait, ‘whose phrase of sorrow conjures the stars? is this my aesthetic-speeches-summon-ghosts theory? probably not, but i havent mentioned it for a while)

“LAERTES: The devil take thy soul! (Grappling with him)” IN A FUCKING GRAVE. THEY ARE FIGHTING. IN A GRAVE.

all because hamlet doesn’t want to be out-extra’d. my god.

“QUEEN GERTRUDE: This is mere madness: And thus awhile the fit will work on him; Anon, as patient as the female dove, When that her golden couplets are disclosed, His silence will sit drooping.” Ah yes gertie just talk about the distraught and angry madman as if he isn’t there. that’ll diffuse the situation.

You know what? We still haven’t discussed the pirates.

a5s2

“HAMLET: So much for this, sir: now shall you see the other; You do remember all the circumstance?” If this isn’t gonna be about the pirates im gonna. scream.

“HAMLET: My fears forgetting manners, to unseal Their grand commission; where I found, Horatio,-- O royal knavery!--an exact command, Larded with many several sorts of reasons Importing Denmark's health and England's too, With, ho! such bugs and goblins in my life, That, on the supervise, no leisure bated, No, not to stay the grinding of the axe, My head should be struck off.” god, though. imagine that. being exiled to another country by the person who killed your father, only to find out that they were going to have you killed, anyways. that’s fucking terrifying. jesus christ.

Damn this idea that pretty handwriting is ~beneath~ nobles confuses me so fucking much. I got called haughty once just because my main handwriting is cursive. I mean, they were right, but their evidence was circumstantial at best.

“HAMLET: That, on the view and knowing of these contents, Without debatement further, more or less, He should the bearers put to sudden death, Not shriving-time allow'd.” Hamlet’s Revenge. 

but also, what the fuck, dude. two wrongs dont make a right.

damn i kinda lost myself while reading but it really doesn’t sound like hamlet’s insane anymore. Like he’s… tempered himself. he doesn’t feel insane, just solemn.

“OSRIC: Your lordship is right welcome back to Denmark. HAMLET: I humbly thank you, sir. Dost know this water-fly?” goddamn ROAST HIM HAMLET (also what a fucking mood)

Osric put on your fucking ha--

The wind is

The wind is northerly

“HAMLET: No, believe me, 'tis very cold; the wind is northerly.” I remember someone saying that this is important

Okay here: “HAMLET: I am but mad north-north-west: when the wind is southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw.”

oh no

Osric just wear ur fucking hat u doof

“OSRIC: Exceedingly, my lord; it is very sultry,--as 'twere,--I cannot tell how. But, my lord, his majesty bade me signify to you that he has laid a great wager on your head: sir, this is the matter,-- HAMLET: I beseech you, remember-- (HAMLET moves him to put on his hat)” excuse me a WAGER

but alas all hamlet cares about is osric’s fucking hat

“HAMLET: What's his weapon? OSRIC: Rapier and dagger. HAMLET: That's two of his weapons: but, well.” hamlet u sarcastic little shit i love you

I mean so is horatio. I love him too.

This stuff with the competition is. not gonna end well. not at well.

“HAMLET: I do not think so: since he went into France, I have been in continual practise: I shall win at the odds. But thou wouldst not think how ill all's here about my heart: but it is no matter.”

hamlet no. listen to your heart or whatever. jesus christ don’t do it.

“HORATIO: Nay, good my lord,--” HAMLET LISTEN TO HORATIO

Ohhh hamlet

okay reading what laertes said, you know what? i’m giving laertes one last chance. please do not prove me a fool, laertes. 

everything is giving me mad anxiety. e v e r y t h i n g.

claud’s speech is insanely sketchy

“KING CLAUDIUS: [Aside] It is the poison'd cup: it is too late.” One, so that’s why it was sketchy. Two, the POISONED CUP?

IT’S TOO LATE?

Gertie’s. Dead.

Shit, shit, shit

“LAERTES: [Aside] And yet 'tis almost 'gainst my conscience.” YES! SO PLEASE! STOP FIGHTING!

“LAERTES wounds HAMLET; then in scuffling, they change rapiers, and HAMLET wounds LAERTES.” Oh no oh no oh jeez eheu they’re hurting each other, shit, fuck,

“LAERTES: ...woodcock…”

“KING CLAUDIUS: She swounds to see them bleed. QUEEN GERTRUDE: No, no, the drink, the drink,--O my dear Hamlet,-- The drink, the drink! I am poison'd. (Dies)” one, i love how claud is desperatley trying to stick to the plan, its almost adorable in a childish sort of way. two, oh god. ohhh god. gertie. 

Oh no. 

this is the bloodbath. THIS IS THE BLOODBATH.

BODY COUNT: 1

“HAMLET: The point!--envenom'd too! Then, venom, to thy work. (Stabs KING CLAUDIUS)” ...

BODY COUNT: 2

wait and hamlet’s on death row, as with laertes. Oh no.

“LAERTES: He is justly served; It is a poison temper'd by himself. Exchange forgiveness with me, noble Hamlet: Mine and my father's death come not upon thee, Nor thine on me. (Dies)’ oh my god already??? I haven’t even really accepted king claud’s death?? jesus christ??

My friend just sorta nudged me and asked if i was alright and i. I’m not. i’m in shock. goddamn. what?

BODY COUNT: 3

goodness thats three in like less than thirty seconds JESUS CHRIST

“HAMLET: Heaven make thee free of it! I follow thee.I am dead, Horatio.” that’s chilling. just, the poignancy. that’s so fucking spectral. i’m not okay.

“HORATIO: Never believe it: I am more an antique Roman than a Dane: Here's yet some liquor left.” No no no on no nononon NO NO oh my god are you going to-

“HAMLET: As thou'rt a man, Give me the cup: let go; by heaven, I'll have't. … If thou didst ever hold me in thy heart Absent thee from felicity awhile, And in this harsh world draw thy breath in pain, To tell my story.” hey i’m crying in study hall. i’m actually crying. what the fuck. I don’t cry unless i’m thinking about that one pair of 18th century shoes with the really good photo quality (transcribing-antares here. I fucking love those shoes. I’m looking at them right now and they’re so fucking beautiful. they look how velvet feels, which is odd, bc they're apparently silk. I don’t care they’re just so fucking lovely)

F O R T I N B R A S?

“HAMLET: O, I die, Horatio; The potent poison quite o'er-crows my spirit.” I’ve identified my emotion. Dread. pure, unadulterated Dread.

for all of you that’ve listened to the penumbra podcast: do you remember the concierge, right before final resting place, saying “you do realize you can just like, leave, and everything will be hunky dory and you won’t have to deal with the emotional consequences this episode will bring you” because i’m seriously considering doing that right now.

“HAMLET: The rest is silence. (Dies)” shit. (posting-antares here to say that i forgot to do the body count but honestly im crying while formating because of this goddamn fucking 400 year old play)

“HORATIO: Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet prince…” oh god. horatio.

“Good night sweet prince…”

(yet again tis transcribing-antares here to say that im fucking sobbing right now, the shoes are no match for this, and ‘goodnight sweet prince’ is actually never going to leave my head.) (editing-antares here to say im fucking crying again god fucking damn it) (posting-antares back again saying that this fucking line. this line. my god.)

“HORATIO: What is it ye would see? If aught of woe or wonder, cease your search.” oh, horatio. god. that isn’t something said without tears staining your skin and a bitter tone hard-won, not that its possession is a victory.

oh my god. this can’t. no. this can’t end like this. What. no. people must have rioted. No. no!!

i typically hate it but i would GLADLY accept a deus ex machina right about now!!

okay my friend just took my phone away from me and shut it off because i kept on trying to scroll past the end

jesus christ

okay so i’m not going to be okay for like, several eternities, so im going to play the sims until i. until i die, probably. my god.

masterlist

a summer to remember

hello friends, i definitely just abandoned this whole blog, now didn't i

well i am happy to report that i am still alive, and am thriving!

Here's a rundown of everything that has been going on:

[inserting a readmore because this is long af]

May

So in May, I was definitely just all over the place because I was 1) trying to finish a paper published in a conference!! it literally drove me insane. anyways, then i had to go and finish a 78 page thesis, which involved a really convoluted timeline because i had to finish it ~ a week before the actual deadline so my PI could read it over, but then i had to finish it a few days before THAT so my PhD supervisors could read it over, which meant that i had like one (1) week to write like. all of it.

Luckily I had most of the first half already written, during whatever shitshow April was (April was a lot of coding for the paper, and then not having time to write my thesis). But THEN i had to organize all the data from my own personal experiments, make figures, and draft the entire results section. AND i had like two final reports to do for my class, so my last weeks of academia looked like....

Of course, the day before my thesis was due, I pulled an all nighter, because, of course. What other way would I ever end my academic career. Submitted it though, and I graduated! [LINK TO MY THESIS]

Also! I got vaccinated and felt like death for a whole day, but then my friend came over and we ate fried chicken and watched this show called Miraculous, which is a kids show from France, but for some reason is actually hilarious and really entertaining. Then I felt better, so I proceeded to work on my thesis.

Also, I guess I should talk a little bit about the class I took this semester, which was an industrial organization economics class. We looked at things like how different markets are organized, why they are that way, what market concentration means, how mergers affect competition, and what kind of effect that may impose on consumers. For the final case study (which, I will say, I wrote like 2000 words in a single day, so . applause for me), I looked at the Nvidia-ARM merger and how that may or may not affect competition in the GPU market, the CPU market, and the mobile chip market. I think my analysis was a little bit more surface level, which was fine for me, since I'm by no means an economics expert or even remotely should have any expectations at all, but I read a lot and learned a lot and that's the goal!

So yes, my brief excursion into the field of economics was overall positive, I feel like I learned a lot and now I can read financial articles about the tech industry and not be completely lost, which, again, was the goal.

But yes, May was a lot of work, and once it wrapped up, I got to spend a lot of time with friends post-vaccination! After the 1 or 2 week mark after my second dose, I started going back to the gym, especially to play basketball with folks, which I had missed a lot. I spent a lot of time at my old dorm just hanging out, and got to have a cute salmon dinner over at my other friend's place. And we made cheesecake too.

June (MA->NY->MA->CA)

I finally went to visit my best friend in New York. I hadn't seen her in > 400 days, so it was really a very anticipated event, except we saw each other across the crosswalk, but then the light took like five minutes to turn green, so it was really anticlimactic. Anyways, we ended up bumming around New York and Long Island for a week, and it was nice to spend some time with her after such a long gap.

We spent a day at a vineyard and I fell asleep so

After getting back to Boston, my mom came back from Taiwan to help me move out of my apartment. It was a lot of finding people to sell things to, sweating because it was very hot that week, and praying everything would work out (it did). I also got to have a few final meals with various friends and my mom and I got to take one last lark down the Infinite, which I was really grateful for because it was the first time visitors got to go inside campus in over a year.

Also got into my school's MBA program! Yes i applied to a deferred program (which is like you get into a program, but you don't have to go for 2-5 years, as a way of getting in right after undergrad/grad school, but then accumulating some work experience first). It was hilarious, I was literally shopping in my campus store for a new sweatshirt and I got a phone call from the admissions office saying I got in. My mom had been pushing me to apply to grad programs, and I didn't tell her about it because I didn't know if I would actually follow through. But I got to surprise her with the news, and she was so happy she did the whole "calling all the relatives" thing again.

After flying home, I told myself I'd read more and exercise more, which I have been doing. I got a membership at Planet Fitness, which has been really good for me (going 3x a week), and I've made my way through at least 5 books this summer so far. My holds list at my local library is literally insane. (For recs, I recently read Normal People, which I absolutely devoured, and In the Dream House, which hit really hard for me.)

This summer was also really about reconnecting with high school friends. All three of us were unemployed, with plans to come in the fall, so we were all free to hang out all the time. We started out at the local library planning out a road trip, and we worked out a few times together, and a few coffee dates too. We took a fun day trip down to LA one day, and we visited Malibu, went to the Getty, hit up some local food places in the city. Driving down the PCH with Taylor Swift blaring and the windows down on a hot June day, just hits so different. There is nothing like it.

My friend's birthday was in June, so we put together a little video for her and bought some jewelry, and had a Zoom call to celebrate. Then I got BBQ with some friends and sat in the parking lot eating ice cream until 11 at night just trading stories from our pasts. It felt like the perfect summer life, just staying out until whenever, grabbing food wherever we wanted, with friends I had had for literally a whole decade.

It was already a really good summer, but then July. July was crazy.

July (CA -> MI -> CA -> NV -> CA -> WA -> OR -> CA)

So one Sunday morning, I woke up to a text

Actually, I'm going to do a separate post on the whole Michigan trip because that sh** was on another level of spontaneous, impulsive, crazy life stuff. But anyways, so July started off with a trip to Michigan to visit my friends, and then I came back for the 4th, had 36 hours of rest before my high school friends and I went on a road trip.

This road trip was a little ambitious. We hit spots all up California, from hiking in Sequoia Nat'l Park to Kings Canyon, driving up to Sacramento and visiting art museums, and then going up to Tahoe but staying in Nevada, going kayaking and hiking and sitting on the beach for hours. It was reallllllly hot, but luckily I don't think it ever broke 90 degrees. The views were beautiful, especially at Kings Canyon. The drive in, you're surrounded by huge rock walls, with a thin river rushing by next to you. The hike itself literally feels like you're in nature, like the trail is somewhat defined but not paved, there are no sounds of traffic, the path isn't heavily trafficked so we were the only ones there for the most part. We even saw a deer and washed our faces in the river. Throughout the whole thing, we climbed into so many waterfalls, trying not to slip on rocks.

I hadn't been to Sacramento in over a decade, but it was a cute day trip. There isn't a ton to do there, but it was a nice reprieve from the constant driving and nature. We visited the Leland Stanford Mansion, the Crocker Art Museum, and Old Town Sacramento. A good chance to get a nice coffee, a sit-down meal, and some air conditioning. At Tahoe, we went kayaking on Pope Beach, with the clearest water I have ever seen, followed up by a hike up to a beautiful view of the Lake.

On our way back, we stopped at a lot of interesting places, like small towns like Lee Vining, where we found an Upside Down House; Manzanar, the site of an old Japanese internment camp during the WWII era (which also hit hard); and Randsburg, a literal living ghost town. Overall, getting to travel with my friends finally was so fun, they were so much fun to be around for five days, and getting to explore so much of California was so fun - even though I'd been here for so long, I never knew these places existed.

So I came back and had around 48 hours to recover before my mom and I took a trip up to the Pacific Northwest!

I've always wanted to visit Seattle, and figured I'd hit Portland on the way too. We originally wanted to go to Hawaii but it got so expensive by the middle of the summer, so we decided to stay a little closer to home (probs the better decision bc I was already so tired by this point).

Seattle! Got to visit Pike Place Market many times, grab some coffee at the original Starbucks, see Mt. Rainier, and grab food with three friends! Also went to Bainbridge Island for a day which was SO cute - got to do an olive oil/balsamic vinegar tasting, which sounds so extra, but is actually really unexpectedly fun. At Starbs, I did a cold brew flight, which resulted in a rough night of tossing and turning for me, but I think it was worth it. Other things included the Pinball Museum, Space Needle, and Chihuly Glass Museum!

So I lowkey really wanted to visit Portland because I wanted to achieve a long-lasting dream of seeing an NWSL game in person. So I went to the Thorns Pride game!!

The Thorns fanbase is actually insane, I cannot express to you, like there's this whole fan section that actually did synchronized cheers and routines and was actually ROARING when they scored the entire game. I swear the audience was actually watching them at points instead of the match. Overall, the stadium was going crazy, like I thought I was at a tied Celtics-Bucks game with how loud it was in there. Also I swear, Ali Krieger made eye contact with me and waved.

In addition to that, Portland also has a huge rose garden, a nice Japanese tea garden, a lot of good donut stores and a huge bookstore, so all very up my alley. We also took a day trip to see Mt. Hood and more waterfalls!!

That's a summary of the SEA - PDX trip. Once I got home, my high school friends and I did not waste any time on reuniting to hang out - we went and played ball, grabbed lunch, and then coffee, and then did the same exact thing like two days later and watched a bunch of TikToks, and then spent a whole day at the beach to send my good friend off to medical school in Arizona. They somehow convinced me to go in the water and I got body checked by a wave.

Saw this sculpture on the beach and teared up a little

So proud of my friends for making it to med school, I am so excited to see them at their white coat ceremonies and beyond, I swear I will cry at every step of the way I'm so happy for them. Now that July is pretty much over, most of my fun summer plans are too, and I finally get a chance to catch my breath from that busy busy month. Spending a lot of time watching the Olympics and trying to muster up the motivation to start a fulltime job in < 1 month!!

Overall, I feel like I've been having a really solid summer given the year that was the covid year. I had a Lot of fun, literally probably two summers worth of fun consolidated into one. I think in the beginning of the year, I really wanted this summer to be good, and I didn't have a lot of set plans for the summer, even by the end of May. But somehow, things came together, like Really together, and I had the best summer of my life in this summer 2021. On top of that, I'm reading more than I have since probably middle school, I feel the most in shape that I ever have, I can DRIVE NOW. Only thing that would've made it better was if I got to go back to Taiwan to visit the fam, but unfortunately I can't go back because of strict travel restrictions there and they had a COVID outbreak too :/ I still got around 3.5 weeks of summer to go, so we'll see how the rest goes :)

i don’t remember how to do a read more thing anymore like jesus i’m just gonna have to rant out in the open like a cavewoman???? the ancient knowledge has left me. let me try something see if it works. if not, here, have a rant, i forgot my journal at my apartment

[[READ MORE]]

there did either of those work?

anyway. so i went on a first date with this guy on wednesday and it was great i liked him he liked me we made out badda bing badda boom didn’t have sex but did mostly everything else & it was my first time doing a lot of that & he knew it and was very patient and sweet & i think it was rly good for both of us from what he said??? i’m also planning on moving to NYC in september and he is aware & also just got out of a relationship so we both know we’re not trying to Date, just have a fun summer. those are his words, he drove me home and said “let’s go out a few more times, see how it is, and maybe have a fun summer” and i said fuck yeah. so now i am at my moms house an hour away for a couple days and he also knew that and we haven’t talked like almost at all? obviously we’re not trying to date so i guess we don’t have to be talking but i can’t tell if it’s just that or if he’s ghosting but he was SO communicative and kissed me when he dropped me off like why would he just change his mind? i also left my umbrella at his apartment and i would like it back & he gave me some of his boxers so like there’s items involved u know? he is a busy boy this is true AND he’s 25 and very much out of college but i’m 23 and feel still in college even tho technically i graduated a year ago. so what i CANNOT DISCERN is if the lack of communication is a lack of interest, or simply just bc he’s 25 and knows what hooking up entails and i just don’t be i haven’t done it and my context for everything is still college kid™️ and not Young Adult? and i would love to not care but my anxiety won’t let me stop caring. like in my heart of hearts i am fine with not talking like outside of seeing each other but i guess i just need that communicated in order to stop wondering. this is so fucking annoying @ myself but i’m freakin out and i’m just with my mom and i forgot my journal so i need to express these thoughts somewhere to see if i can find any reason in them. and i don’t have therapy til friday lmao.

and i want to see him again so i’m upset!!! it seemed like that was totes gonna happen. he was like Next time let’s watch Seaspiracy and i said Yes Let’s and he was like maybe next time we hang out on a weekend so you can stay over. he KEPT referencing a next time. he said he didn’t want me to feel pressured into having sex next time bc we did everything else the first time. there’s at least four references to next time i can think of off the top of my head. so why???? i’m gonna be so annoyed with myself if everything ends up fine and i just freaked for no reason. like maybe he’s just waiting for me to be like ayo i’m back in boston! idk. but he seemed really into texting before the date so idk where that went. again, i don’t need a lot of communication just a lil chat here and there, a snapchat even just so i know what’s up. or did i like fuck up somehow?? was i supposed to communicate more?

BUT i was the last person to both start a text conversation, and the last person to message so i don’t want to text again bc then i’ll feel annoying. but i want to be able to gauge his response. i’m lichrally going crazy and i hate it i want to fucking chill but i just don’t have any experience in any of this and so i don’t know how to know if i’m doing it all wrong. i miss when i was just happy and excited but you know how when excitement sits too long it goes bad and turns into anxiety. i’ll get over it eventually—like even soon if we do just Stop talking, but i’ll feel really really embarrassed & stupid for being so excited at first. not that i could have known. like if everything is fine i can just delete this post and feel mildly embarrassed internally for all the freaking out i have done. but if that was it, i’m going to feel very embarrassed for how outwardly hopeful i was in conversation with my friends. that’s dumb but it’s the truth.

DUNDIBDUHBSUGBSUGV okay end rant. i hope the read more worked if not i’m rly sorry for ur dashes.