only L of the disco elysium fandom is that u can never just read porn its always a deep character analysis on identity, self worth, and self actualization that will have you reevaluating your entire sense of self and therefore altering ur understanding of intimacy at 4am n whole time the tag just reads “bottom! kim”

*waves* Hi! New(ish) follower, I followed for your posts about translation which are beautiful (especially the one about the imagery of "Zewu-jun") and thought-provoking; I don't have a good segue so here are some Salty Asks I'd like to know your answers to concerning MDZS: 5, 9, 10, 12, 23

oh, that’s so sweet of you!! thank you I’m really happy you enjoyed them 💛

okay salt incoming let’s see--all opinions are my own, no one has to agree with me, etc! and in true cyan fashion, this ask meme response actually needs a readmore  l m a o

5. Has fandom ever ruined a pairing for you?

fandom has not ruined any ships in mdzs for me, but it has made me way more critical of both wangxian and xicheng interpretations. not in the sense that like, I think they are bad! i love wangxian and xicheng, but I have very very specific feelings about them that I rarely see reflected in popular fandom interpretations. (because i am a picky bitch lol) 

wangxian tends to get the “they did no wrong and their love is righteous” treatment which I find disingenuous and believe directly contradicts the point of mdzs. i think that wangxian is fundamentally a very selfish relationship, and that that is, in fact, a good thing. i love that about them. i care so much about the assertion that your desires do not have to be perfect and righteous to still matter and be worthwhile. i don’t understand the impulse to make wangxian into a pure ship that triumphs and “deserves” a happy ending because they were right all along. I always felt like the entire point of mdzs was that--you can be the most terrible person, you can do unspeakable harm, and still be loved and deserving of that love. i think wangxian is compelling and moving specifically for that reason, and I often have to back out of interpretations that don’t acknowledge it in the way that i want them to. a lot of interpretations tend to idealize wwx and lwj in ways that I disagree with, and I’ve seen a lot of vitriolic pushback over anything that’s seen as even vaguely critical of either of them, when the point isn’t that “wwx/lwj is a bad person because he is selfish” the point is that “wwx/lwj’s choices are selfishly motivated” -- that’s not meant to be a value judgment, at least for me.

(i understand that a lot of this has to do with CQL’s influence, in which wangxian IS narratively rewarded for their righteousness, but as I’ve discussed at length, I think that positioning undermines what makes mdzs so powerful to me in the first place. not that i don’t love CQL!! i do love CQL--they have made a beautiful thing within the constraints that they had. but I think the novel is much stronger thematically.)

as for xicheng: i think that their relationship could be extraordinarily interesting if done in specific ways--I do not think they are well-suited to each other at any point in the canon timeline, but that they could be something really good maybe 10 years post-canon. I used to really like the idea of xicheng romantically, but as time goes on, I’m leaning harder into friendship. I think they have a lot of uniquely shared life experiences, and that it would be really good for both of them to have a person that they knew understood those experiences intimately: the pressures of leading a sect before adulthood, the grief of losing your family in a massacre and being unable to save them, the betrayal of someone who was once so close to you--that’s a lot. and i think there are very few people in their generation who could truly understand that. (for this reason, I also think lxc and xxc would be a very interesting relationship to see many many years post-canon, if xxc were ever revived) but during canon? no, absolutely not. i don’t think lxc has the slightest interest in jc, and i don’t think jc is particularly moved by lxc either, beyond a distant “yeah i mean, he’s the first jade everyone loves him sure moving on” kind of way. they both have their own shit to deal with, and before lxc’s seclusion and also before the core reveal, i think jc is too angry and vicious for lxc and lxc is too soft and toothless for jc. for someone to really convince me on xicheng, jc has to move towards some kind of self-forgiveness and peace and lxc has to move towards self-assertion. then I think they can meet somewhere in the middle of all that.

and like, it’s not that i won’t read silly fluffy aus or like canonverse stuff with them in a ship, but i admit that because it’s grown so popular but not at all in the ways that i personally want, I’m frustrated with and have retreated from reading it. unless it’s done in the specific way i like, it has too much of a pair the spares vibe for me to get behind it anymore.

9. Most disliked character(s)? Why?

jin guangshan, obvious reasons, next

ok well, i guess to elaborate even slightly: jin guangshan, to me, is the embodiment of the systems within mdzs that cause tragedy. he and chang ci’an are similar in that respect? like, the callousness with which they treat people they consider beneath them. what is nothing to them is ruinous for another, but why should they care? but jgs really had every advantage handed to him and chose to use that advantage to hurt others in really insidious ways and i can’t forgive that. jin zixun is also on this list, but like, still ahead of jgs bc he’s younger. -_- i suppose in that respect, i also very much dislike chang ci’an, but that’s a bit harder to quantify, given that we know almost nothing about him.

10. Most disliked arc? Why?

huh. uhhhh. i think i actually really like all of them? in the novel anyways. if we’re talking CQL, yin iron plot ugh.

12. Is there an unpopular arc that you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why?

I think for similar reasons to 10, not really! I don’t see a lot of hate for any specific plot arc. Oh, maybe the incense burners? I completely unironically love those. people rag a lot on mxtx’s smut, but it’s very important to me for a number of like, personal mental health reasons lol.

23. Unpopular character you love?

xue yang! i think xue yang’s character raises a very interesting point about equivalent justice that kinda gets swept away in all the uhhhh murder. and it’s a point that has really big thematic repercussions, I think? but the way it’s worded makes it very easy to dismiss.

very briefly: xue yang is right when he says that 50 lives cannot pay back his finger, because there is nothing that can pay back that finger. no vengeance or sentence visited upon chang ci’an will ever be equal to the injustice that he visited upon xue yang. i think there’s a bit of naivety in the way xxc says “why didn’t you cut off his finger then? or his whole arm, if that wasn’t enough?” and the answer I think is very obvious--xy cutting off cca’s finger would not in any way be the same kind of trauma that xy losing his finger was, esp if chang ci’an knew who xue yang was. there would be an understanding in that: i am losing my finger because this man blames me for the loss of his finger. but to xue yang, a 7 year old? the pain he experienced was completely senseless and cruel and terrifying.

does that mean xue yang was justified? no jesus christ, but i do think it ties very neatly into the general themes of what it means to get vengeance, what it means to get justice, and how cycles of trauma eventually end. so i love him for that.

on a lesser note, but a similar one: i rather like su she, I think. there is something about like, jgy’s “all i had to do was remember his name and he was willing to die for me” that gets to me. there’s a huge tragedy in that somewhere.

wow i have no idea if any of that was coherent im very sleepy

salt asks

It's meeeeeeeeeeeee ! Yeah, last one but i think it's great, any boy you want, (i saw Harry but i let you choose) 40 - 42 - 52 and maybe 46 yeahhh i see angst in that request, angst and fluff at the end...

I'll do peter hehe bc why not

40. “When my date takes me home and kisses me good night, if I don’t hear the Philharmonic in my head, I dump him.” 42. "To tell you the truth, I think your theories about relationships are total bullshit.” 46. "How could you do this to me?” “Because I’m in love with you!” “Ha! What kind of an excuse is that?” 52. "You’re so afraid of being hurt, you’re gonna end up all alone.”

Parker || Main || Taglist

Peter Parker was afraid of commitment.

He was scared that his heart would be so broken it couldn't be fixed anymore. Using his brains, he came up with theories about relationships and it all came down to sex. He figured the reason why things don't work out is because after people have sex, they leave and won't be bothered to call. Then he swore to himself that he'll only have one girlfriend and make sure she'll be on board with his theory.

Then he found you. You were perfect for him and he looked at you as if you put the stars in the sky. He was so in love and truly, you were in love with him too. He could remember your first date like it was yesterday.

It was 6PM and Peter was already at the restaurant. He was fifteen minutes early and he knew it was ridiculous, but he just wanted to make sure that you were telling the truth about being an early bird to things because you hated being tardy.

Lo and behold, you were right. Five minutes after he arrived, you came in and saw him. You went over and sat down, "You're early. What time did you get here?"

"You're early too and don't worry, I got here five minutes ago. Shall we order?"

The night was filled with joy and laughter and wholesome things. He offered to walk you home and you agreed. You really felt like Peter was the one for you. It was too early to tell and you were probably being silly, but you just knew.

Stopping in front of your door, you turned to him and said, "I had such a fun night, Peter. Thank you for this."

He smiled, "No problem. I had a fun night too."

"You're different from all the other guys who took me out because they were so boring. All of them were my first and last dates. You see, when my date takes me home and kisses me good night, if I don't hear the Philharmonic in my head, I dump him."

"Oh, I see." Peter said nervously. "D-Do you hear the Philharmonic in your head now?"

You smiled sweetly at him as you stepped closer, "Not only do I hear the Philharmonic, but I also hear Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber's orchestra going off in my head and they're all telling me that I should totally kiss you."

Peter smirked slightly before leaning in to kiss you. Needless to say, you shared a passionate kiss that night and Peter was practically skipping on the way home.

He would never forget that day. It was the most magical experience he ever had and now he fucked it all up. To be fair, you knew what you were getting into because he told you about his theory about relationships, but you thought you could do it. Then it all came crashing down on you.

Hot and heavy kisses were shared between you and Peter. It was all so heated and passionate and just thinking about him on top of you made you excited. Then Peter stopped.

"Why did you stop?" You asked, your mind still hazy from all the kissing. You never knew you could be drunk all because of someone's kisses, but there you were.

Peter sat up and said, "I stopped because we were about to have sex and remember what I said? I don't do that because it quickly ends a relationship and I don't want that to happen to us."

"But just consider this as a next step in our relationship. It'll be fine because I'll still be here!" You exclaimed.

"How am I so sure that you'll stay, hm? Every girl I've been with left me after sleeping with me. How am I so sure that you won't do the same?"

"Because I'm different!"

"That's what they all said!" Peter shouted in frustration. He ran a hand through his hair and stood up to pace back and forth. "I thought you understood the theory I told you about? I thought you agreed?!"

"I did, okay?! I agreed with you at the time because I thought I could do it, but it turns out I can't! I'm human, Peter! I have needs! This is normal!" You raised your voice, not wanting to yell at him just yet.

"Y/N, this is the reason why we work so well together! We don't need to be sexually intimate with each other! We're better off this way." Peter reasoned, but you shook your head.

"You see, all I can see are things that benefit YOU. YOU think we're better off this way! YOU think we don't need to be sexually intimate. YOU think this is why we work so well together, but what about me?"

"What about you?!" Peter was confused at this point. He didn't understand your side.

"I just wanted to enter the next step of the relationship with you!" You exasperatedly said.

"And that's sex? C'mon, Y/N!" Peter groaned.

"Yes, it is! Because that means we're comfortable with each other! It means that we're doing it not because we want to get laid, but because we love each other. We can be open to what we like and don't like and it doesn't even have to be fast and- and rough! It could be slow and steady because it'll be your first time with me and my first time with you. It's special, Peter, and you don't even want that!" You frowned as tears welled up your eyes.

Peter went over and sat in front of you, cupping your face with his hands, "We could do something else, babe. I'm sorry, okay? I just-"

"I trust you enough to take care of me when we finally have sex. Don't you trust me?"

"Of course, I trust you."

"Then, how could you do this to me? How could you deny something so natural like that?"

"Because I'm in love with you!"

"Ha! What kind of an excuse is that? That's horse shit, Pete!" You cried and pushed him away. Peter frowned, "So where does this leave us? I don't want to fight."

"I don't want to fight either, so I guess we're done." You told him. His heart dropped and shattered into a million pieces.

"Um, why?!" Peter asked. You looked at him and said, "I got all dressed up for you and I did my makeup just for you and I prepared everything just for you! I even cleaned my room extra clean just to please you and-"

"I am pleased! This is the cleanest your room has ever been!"

"-And all I wanted was to take the next step with you! That's it! Since you won't give me that, just go. I'll find someone who will." You said sadly.

"You do understand why I came up with that theory right?" Peter asked.

"Yeah, I do. You were hurt and I respect that, but hurt is always present in a relationship. You can't stop that. You're so afraid of being hurt, you're gonna end up all alone." You told him.

Peter never forgot about that night and his heart broke. After a few weeks of pitying himself, he finally got his shit together and thought of ways to get you back. He now realized where you were coming from and he couldn't blame you. You were right. You were human and you had needs.

Now, here he was in front of your door with a big bouquet of your favorite flowers and a box of your favorite donuts. He rang the doorbell and waited for you to open the door.

You opened the door and to his surprise, you were all dolled up. Seeing you like that made him panic, thinking you'd be on a date with someone else.

"Oh, hi." You said, leaning on the doorframe.

"Um... are you going somewhere? Because if you are, I'll come back tomorrow." Peter said.

You shook your head, "I just got home, actually. I went on a date."

Peter stared at you and asked, "Did you hear the Philharmonic? Or Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber?"

You could only shake your head.

"The last time I heard them is when I went out with you. You're the one for me and I know it."

This made Peter smile. Perhaps he had a shot again. "You're the one for me too!" He grinned, making you stare at him.

"What're you doing here?"

"I came to apologize." He sighed, handing you his gifts.

"Oh?" You said, taking the gifts from him, muttering a small 'thank you'.

"Yeah, I want to say sorry for being blind about your feelings. A relationship is between two people and it was unfair of me to assume you wanted the same; it was unfair of me to think that you wouldn't have urges or anything like that. I'm sorry." Peter said sincerely.

"I hope you forgive me and I hope we can start again because I can't lose you. I love you too much to lose you. You mean so much to me and I'm not letting you go without a fight." Peter said and you stared at him for a while.

"To tell you the truth, I think your theories about relationships are total bullshit." You confessed and he nodded.

"I know and that's why I'm getting rid of them. Fuck those theories! They can rot in hell for all I care. They're even scientifically accurate or something. It's based on my experience and I don't understand why I call it-"

"Peter, let me finish." You chuckled and he quickly shuts up. "I just want to be with you. That's all. And when I say that I want to be with you, I mean that I want to have ALL of you. Except for that theory thing and I'm glad you're getting rid of that."

"Can we start again?" Peter asked nervously and you nodded with a smile.

"Of course, we can. Come in and we can finish all the donuts you bought!" You laughed before walking in with Peter trailing behind you and closing the front door.

i got carried away but i had so much fun writing this!

𝐏𝐄𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐊𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓: @blueleatherbag @cocoamoonmalfoy @parkerpeter24 @slutforsr @givebuckyhisplumsnow @buckys-little-hoe @runawayolives @chewymoustachio @just-here-to-escape-from-reality @yourstrulyamour @beverlythrillz @juliediggory @yaya4302 @alexx-stancati @dummiesshort @spideyspeaches @angelsgrxzer @dreamy-clousds @hunnybunimdun @supred12 @more-like-reyna @caitsymichelle13 @aayaissaa @wannabemobwife @bigassnocash @repostcentral @imcalledflorence @eccedentesiastqueen

𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐋 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓: @holland-styles @trustfundparker @alinastarkrovs @celestialholland @hufflepuffprincess24 @tommysparker @justasmisunderstoodasloki @quaksonhehe @call-me-baby-gir1 @itstaskeen @theonly1outof-a-billion @lost-in-the-stars03 @justafangirlduh @piscesparker @miraclesoflove @lexirv @blairscott @pqrkerr @blackbat2020 @hoodpankow @bi-lmg @moonchild-s-blog @itszulli @blossomhollands @prancerrparkerr

itsay ep 4 (thoughts + spoilers)

idk even know how to even start this bc i feel like i’m just a big ball of emotions, and this ep was wild. so much happened. last ep was so wonderful and almost languid with how everything played out (esp since it focussed much more specifically on the shift in teh/oh-aew’s relationship). this ep had a bit more of everything, not just the two of them in their bubble anymore. societal forces at play, and hence much more angst. again, this isn’t a  proper analysis, it’s just me ranting and raving as usual as i semi-rewatch this again. this is very long, and there are a lot more things i want to think about in more detail at some point bc i’m mostly just skating over a lot of what happened but i gotta get these thoughts in my head out of me somehow. and i’m not sure if what i’m typing will even make sense bc i MYSELF can barely make sense of what i’m feeling but here i go anyway.

so we start off with the both of them kind of awkward after the night before which is fair enough considering what happened. actually when oh-aew’s habit started playing up again, i thought teh wasn’t going to scratch his back bc he was trying not to ~go there again after the night before, but he did and i was pleasantly surprised like oh...maybe things aren’t that bad?? (YET). also, i can imagine that it would have been reassuring for oh-aew too. like things have changed, but it’s not like teh has completely abandoned him. the touch itself is comforting, like when they were kids.

teh’s mum talking about how she wants both of her sons to bring their girlfriends around (and hounding him about bringing tarn around again) is giving me war flashbacks to my own asian relatives and i can feel the way that must crawl under his skin. I HATE when family members do that (and they always do). but for teh it must be esp hard bc he’s already constantly feeling like he’s vying for his mum’s attention over his brother, and now hoon’s bought back a girlfriend so it’s yet ANOTHER thing he feels like he has to compete with his brother over. in the back of his mind, he knows that he can’t give his mum what she wants if he’s with oh-aew (he can’t ‘win’ over hoon bc heteronormativity). teh is def prone to jealousy fairly easily, but i always feel like his emotions on that base level are also very easy to understand. i’ve been in positions like that before where i’ve felt like i’ve constantly been compared to someone else, and it makes you feel like shit. but also oh-aew having to sit through teh’s mum telling him to let her know if teh and tarn are dating?? ouch.

cue teh trying to avoid what’s going on with them and oh-aew being sad :((( they’re both in so much pain and i feel it and thank god i am no longer a teenager that’s all i can say about this.

the guitar in skyline instrumental is just...making me feel some kind of way. they have so many versions of this song and they always use the right version at the right time how is that.

so the tarn scene!!!!!!!!!!!!!! first thought: holy shit she looks so cute i love her crop top where did she get it i want one. second thought: but why did they make her wear a dark bra under such a light top?? i love that i was thinking this and then it all unravelled in front of me and like...the brilliance. the contrast between the scene in ep 2 (i think?) where teh accidentally peeks at her bra through the buttons of her shirt and gets noticeably flustered, and then this one where she literally wears the same bra under a light shirt ON PURPOSE to get his attention, but he doesn’t even notice?? the way she expects him to colour the hibiscus purple, but he colours it red for oh-aew instead?? it’s so incredibly telling of where his heart is at, and how his feelings have changed. anyway, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that he’s just not all there with her anymore, and tarn isn’t stupid...she’s been picking up on the signals since the beginning (why was he so weirdly obsessed with beating oh-aew at the start? why was he willing to wake up at 4am for oh-aew but not for her? willing to tutor the rest of his friends but not spend time with her?). the way she sees him colouring the hibiscus red and it’s her wake up call, like wtf am i DOING bc of this guy????? i love how she acknowledges that her feelings for teh have made it so she’s solely focussed on him and that she hates the things it makes her do (like wearing the bra to gain his attention). ngl i was slightly worried with how they were going to use her character during these later eps with teh being so conflicted (since girlfriends in BLs are usually handled pretty poorly), but i appreciate that she’s still as fleshed out and full of feeling as she ever was. she’s so sweet, and i just wish she had better than this, but i’m glad she called teh out on it. i know he’s confused af rn, and tbh i don’t think he’s handled this as badly (atm at least) as i thought it could have gone, but at the same time, if he doesn’t decide and set his heart on what he really wants, he’s just going to end up hurting them all. LOVE that she basically tells him to get his shit together first before coming back to her. i like her so much. and that scene of teh just walking around and around at the back feeling conflicted while she drew? really reminds me of the squiggly line timeline(?) of how ep 4 was going to go that nadao released before this ep went live. also cmbyn vibes were real in that one.

the devastation in oh-aew’s voice when he asks teh to at least reply his messages ;;; it’s like teh wants to go back to just being friends and oh-aew has kind of accepted that at this point, but at the same time, teh’s not backing that up. he says he wants to be friends, but he doesn’t know how to act ‘normal’ about it anymore, so he pushes oh-aew away instead. good on oh-aew for not taking that shit and standing up for himself too. i absolutely cannot stand seeing oh-aew sad bc pp’s sad face/voice is so good it actually pains me.

notice how teh ALWAYS uses studies/tutoring as an excuse to get closer to oh-aew again...hmmm...does oh-aew see it for what that is now too? that “you’ve never understood me” hit me like a fucking train. to think that they were so attuned to one another last ep, but now teh’s too caught up in he’s own world to realise just how much he’s hurting oh-aew. thanks, i hate it.

i know that he’s needs to figure himself out more and i absolutely stand by the fact that he needs to do that without messing around with either oh-aew or tarn (and also that he’s using studies again to get into oh-aew’s good books instead of talking through feelings and all that), but the chinese idiom book that he made for oh-aew was actually SO CUTE and romantic. all this stuff he does for oh-aew to show that he clearly cares so much, yet he can never accept it enough to get the words out...

I SWEAR THEY PLAY THE INSTRUMENTAL SKYLINE JUST TO CHOKE ME UP. the darting around each other after the neck kiss COUPLED with the skyline instrumental?? it’s like a sad beach scene 2.0. teh making the first (intimate) move this time. every time he’s trying so hard to convince himself he’s not in love with this boy, and every time he keeps coming back. i always feel such a weird mix of happy and sad when i see them together bc i love them but i know teh in particular, is just not ready yet. like the hug scene made my heart leap, BUT they did it in hiding (under the staircase). all their big intimate scenes are in hiding and that just :(((

teh saying that he loves the seawater on his back bc it holds him up, and oh-aew saying but you have to hold your breath in that posture and it gets uncomfortable so he likes letting it go and just sinking sometimes instead (obv paraphrasing but you get the drift)?? THE WRITING IN THIS. it says so much without telling the audience directly...so poetic. everything about this show is so poetic. the way they sink into the ocean and into that space of oh-aew’s where you can just let yourself go without holding back, and then and only THEN does teh finally kiss oh-aew. and it’s beautiful, after holding back for so long, but it’s also painful bc he’s let go but only within this tiny pocket of space and time. in hiding again. that bird’s eye view shot where you can’t see them at all sealed it for me. like you want to be happy, but you can’t really bc you know that they’ve still got so much more to go...like when teh’s hand grazes oh-aew’s chest and you see oh-aew realise again...like that’s partly what stopped teh the first time in ep 3. when his hands stopped at oh-aew’s chest like it hit in for him that he was a boy. anyway, love that they gave us a skam kiss but i’m also very sad. on another note, how the hell did they hold their breath for that long?????

love that they gave us a further 2 more seconds of teh/oh-aew being cute (CONSTANTLY thinking about teh’s fingers dancing across oh-aew’s face and smushing his face in his hands...oh-aew holding the back of teh’s head...just a brief moment of carefreeness) before they went for the jugular. watching teh fight against himself in this way is what hurts. oh-aew begging him to just let go and accept what they are (the way he keeps going “what did i do wrong?? you feel it too!!”) but he’s so tortured he can’t do it. it’s downright fucking heartbreaking. the “one day i’ll stop feeling this way”...could have just stabbed oh-aew and it would have hurt less. all i know is i’m hurting for the both of them. the repression is real, and it just sucks. this whole thing fucking sucks for both of them (and tarn and bas too at that). idk it just gets me that oh-aew is coming out of this having been rejected once again bc teh isn’t ready yet. and i know this but it doesn’t make me any less upset. not at any of them bc it’s hard i know it’s hard...just at the situation. sometimes it feels like teh’s taking a step forward but then he takes two more back instead. the look on teh’s face when oh-aew was like let’s stop being friends...total devastation. i’m done. don’t want to think about it anymore.

i’m glad that oh-aew’s parents are so supportive of him though. i wasn’t sure how close they were based on their previous interaction but they really love him and i’m glad he has that stability to help him through this.

THE SCENE WITH OH-AEW AND THE BRA FUCKING BLEW ME AWAY. this show is always keeping me guessing, and again yet another thing that i wasn’t expecting but it was so visceral. the red of the bra in comparison to tarn’s bra with the purple hibiscus flowers on it...everything connects. oh-aew looking into the mirror with that bra on and thinking about how things would have been different if only :((( and then his breakdown when he realises that it’s not and that’s the reality of the situation. the feeling that gave me sits so deep within my chest i can’t even begin to carve it out.

teh masturbating when he sees that picture of oh-aew and to that picture of yongjian on his wall (idk why it only now just occurred to me that yongjian is always in red too)?? the self-hatred in this scene. the internalised homophobia. my heart feels so heavy.

he KEEPS reaching and it’s going nowhere bc it won’t ever be enough, and that’s not fair on himself and it’s not fair on tarn. like i understand what he’s going through, and i get that he’s extremely confused and needs the clarification, but when he asks tarn to tell her she loves him and he can’t do the same back for her...i just feel so, so, so fucking bad for tarn.

oh-aew hoping that the worksheets left for him were from teh (which would be very on brand of him), but then seeing bas :( maybe in another world, in another life (like teh and tarn)...but he’s such a sweetheart. bas, best boy ;;;

legit as soon as the gang came to see teh off to bangkok and talk to him about how oh-aew was doing terribly (and wasn’t planning on going to the admission exams) i knew where this was going to go. there’s been so much foreshadowing leading up to this, and this was also one of (if not my main theory) with how things were going to eventually play out. but tbh for some reason i thought it was going to play out later in ep 5...but like damn. damn. the way i understand but at the same time i kept going OH TEH :( throughout this. the utter STRESS this bit put me through. THE MISCOMMUNICATION.

anyway, teh’s love language is clearly acts of service. but it can really be to his detriment when he does things impulsively (albeit with care and good intentions), but he doesn’t use his words so things get lost in translation. sometimes actions just aren’t enough and you really do need words to communicate.

the confirmation scene was so tense...even now i’m just sitting here thinking about it and there’s a hole in my stomach at the thought of what teh must be going through and what he ends up doing. like when that last person on the list shows up and you KNOW it’s going to happen but at the same time it’s like a punch to the chest bc there’s just no doubt that teh’s going to turn it down for oh-aew...OF COURSE he would. oh-aew’s split moment of happiness before realising what teh’s done...the absolute dread i still have in me at the realisation of this.

the tension really kept increasing from here on in...teh coming home and his mum just being so fucking proud of him and telling everyone in the restaurant about how happy she is for him (all while teh is absolutely depleted), then tarn coming in and everything bubbling over when she realises what teh’s done too. realises that teh’s in love with oh-aew (smile is so great in this btw like WOW). the “you hurt me and i’m alright with that, teh, but right now you’re hurting yourself” broke my heart. absolutely love tarn as a character and only ever want the best for her.

when he tells his mum :((((((((((( and his mum just goes on about how hard he’s worked and how much he’s already sacrificed only for him to throw that away. he wanted her to be proud of him SO BAD, wanted to not be compared to his brother for once, only for him to give away his place bc he loves oh-aew more than he wants his mother’s praise. more than he wants to compete and ‘win’ against his brother. when she points to hoon and goes “why can’t you be more like him?” and he just loses it. like rubbing salt in the wound. i’m so glad hoon finally hugged him the way i’ve been wanting to this whole time. the banner congratulating him that teh’s mum made with all his materials from before :((( hoon giving him money for uni :((( you ever watch some things and feel like you’ll never be happy again...

okay the way that everything spiralled during the ig story fight?????? what gets me is that teh sacrificed his place thinking that oh-aew wasn’t going to sit the exam at all (he could have just talked to him and convinced him instead but ughhh i understand i get it). oh-aew thinks he did it bc teh didn’t believe he could get in himself (which of course then spurs him to give it up so he can get in through the exam instead). and when teh sees that, it’s like a smack in the face, like he went through all that only for oh-aew to reject it (him). it’s just layers upon layers of miscommunication and the anxiety of it all absolutely guts me. and then the anger mixing into devastation when he opens his book and sees how it’s all cut up. the remnants a reminder of everything he’s done for oh-aew. this boy that he adores but can’t accept he has feelings for. it’s just this mix of anger and sorrow and what have i fucking done?????? and how could he????? the cast were all fantastic but billkin really had to go above and beyond in this one and i could absolutely feel his pain throughout this.

TO PIGGY BACK ON THIS, like i said before, teh has always used studying/tutoring as a tool to get closer to oh-aew, but seeing that book with all the words gone was in part also him realising he doesn’t have that anymore. he can’t use that tool to get close to oh-aew anymore. the only way forward would be to actually get close to oh-aew without the pretences. and the saddest part of this all is that oh-aew doesn’t even NEED all of that (the tutoring, the book of idioms, the relinquishing of his uni spot)...the only thing he wants is for teh to ADMIT his feelings out loud. to admit that he feels the same way about oh-aew that oh-aew feels about him.

it’s funny bc in the last ep, the conversation that had me feeling the most nervous was when they’re talking at the cape, and oh-aew’s telling teh that he’s a rival and inspiration to him. i always KNEW this was going to come back to haunt them. like a constant circle. friends to rivals to friends to more than friends(?) to rivals. it’s a fine line. narratively, it always had to happen, and now they’re back to competing against one another yet again, and it’s going to be so tough bc they’ll have so much more competition on top of that as well.

next ep is going to be very, very hard on teh, but somehow after this ep, i just feel a lot more hopeful about it? i’m pretty convinced at this point that it won’t end in tragedy (which was the thing that i wanted least of all). of course i want both teh and oh-aew to end up together, but i can understand if they don’t. if this ends with them rekindling their friendship again, that’ll be enough for me. their relationship has been so turbulent and passionate that it needs some stability, and hopefully when teh’s in a better state of mind, when he’s at a place when he’s finally accepted all parts of himself, they’ll get there. so if that means it ends on them running to the cape together (even if they’re not technically together) fulfilling their promise to one another in the sunset, then that’s fine with me. i don’t mind an open ending if it makes sense in the context of the story, and i think something like that would. it’s like after such an angsty episode, you need a slight reprieve from it. i have no doubt in my mind that ep 5 will contain darkness, but i do think that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. so for once i feel truly hopeful about it.

i can’t believe we only have one more ep left to go...

The reaction was really interesting. I agreed with a lot of Bright’s point and it was nice to see a different perspective. I really wish they had showed it in the show. You can tell Bright is really attached to Sarawat and it hurts his heart to see the pain. It also showed me that the finale could have been loads better with a few cute scenes and a proper discussion. This is what Bright was talking about. At the end of the day it was the lack of communication.

Ahh I loved that reaction video and I loved seeing Bright talking about Sarawat’s point of view. I’m sure one of the reasons they bought him was the amount of shit he was getting from some people. This however also showed me what the show lacked. Though I loved 2gether.. most of the time we saw things were Tine’s perspective. It would have really been good to see it from Sarawat’s perspective in the last episode. You can also see Bright’s frustration at times with how they portrayed Sarawat.

I assume you watching the reaction video atm! Let me say this boy gives me heart attacks like how thoughtful he is and wants to explain sarawat’s every move since episode 12 and why he acted the way he acted. I felt like he kept it inside for so long that it needed to be spoken out like when he wanted to see a reaction from P’Jennie how he looked away and then right back at her. He was so stressed and on the edge the whole time! How he repeatedly said he’s sorry for Sarawat cause he knows that everyone was sorry for Tine but didn’t get to see/understand his side of version. He also zoned out in a couple of scenes like this boy has sooo many emotions and it feels it’s too overwhelming for him(I feel that at least). I’m so grateful that Bright exists and talk about loving a man and to feel love so freely!! He could’ve said so much in the end but instead it was more like an apology for hurting Tine and how his character works. He understands Sarawat so much. I’ll cry. I didn’t thought my opinion would be that long... he’s speaking so enthusiastically about Sarawat and what his character taught him. This boy is really a blessing for the 2gether + lgbt+ community I love him he’s a child like a babie :((

Bright just wants to smooch his co-star but the universe won’t let him.

hiii anons!!! i’m gonna combine all of your asks into one bc we’re all essentially talking about the same thing.

yeah. so. the ep 13 reaction video. lets talk about it.

firstly, i ... it will never cease to astound me just how much bright loves sarawat? he knows him with every fibre of himself. he knows sarawat right down to the tendon and bone of him. like. bright’s taken so much time out to character study sarawat, get into his psyche and mind and heart. and. i hate novel! sarawat, but, bright’s taken that character, and made it his own, completely transforming him. and that takes so much understanding and commitment and passion. truly, we don’t deserve bright. we really don’t. and i am so thankful we got bright to play sarawat. no body else could have done sarawat better than bright. so much so that like .... they both overlap, bright and sarawat. sometimes its hard to distinguish where sarawat ends and bright begins.

and like some of yall said, i think it was a very clever ... move (?) ... to star bright to react to ep 13, solo, without win. bc, like yall mentioned, and like im gonna dwell on now: 2gether was entirely from tine’s perspective. it reminds me a bit of skam, in that way, that ... ya know even tho i’ve watched skam and i should KNOW this, but i still forget just how POWERFUL perspectives are. and how much they influence your way of thinking. i touched upon this after ep 12, but now after watching bright react to the whole of ep 13, like, it comes back to that. we saw everything through tine’s eyes. and so, it felt like, sarawat’s side needed to be justified. but it could never be done on the show bc the show was about tine’s perspective. and the only way it could have been done, is if they both would have talked.

which brings me onto my next point, that bright mentions - the biggest barrier and fault was they both don’t know how to talk. i touched upon this just yday actually, how sarawat is someone who doesn’t know how to talk, he’s more of a do-er (like bright said), whereas tine is someone who overthinks himself to the point of sickness and anxiety and so he doesn’t know how to voice that out, and like bright said, tine is someone who is EXTREMELY obedient - if someone says something to him to do, tine will go along and do that and won’t say no to them. which means that tine himself has had very little experience of going with his gut and how he feels, and when he comes face to face in a situation like that, it becomes Very overwhelming for him.

so, it was really clever to have bright on, solo, to explain everything from his and sarawat’s perspective. especially the bit where bright was like “everytime someone flirted with tine, wat never once questioned his trust for tine or their love, he would go directly to the person in question and deal with them.” and ... ya know, that’s more easier for sarawat to do, than it is for tine, who isn’t like that at all - like bright said, tine is the more obedient one who just follows along everybody else’s suggestions and has never really used his agency to decision make for himself.

and so ... yeaah. like. people sent a LOT of verbal abuse to bright after ep 12. and bright even said he knew it would happen, bc the entire series is from tine’s perspective, he understood that from well before. so he says he was prepared, but he still didn’t come on social media that often bc he got so much verbal abuse over it. 

and like, i’ve said before, just like how jennie and go said in the reaction video, that we should have got less flashbacks in the finale, and instead, we could have had a more sweeter scene. that could have been and should have been a proper, open and honest conversation between tine and sarawat, or, as bright suggested, a kiss. so, ya know, as some people were saying that maybe bright was just uncomfortable about kissng win??? no. no he wouldnt be AT ALL. it just ... never occured in the script. but yeah. i think .......... it really did get to bright - that sarawat never on the show got a chance to explain. 

which honestly makes me feel like thats why half the time he would improvise as sarawat? and add in things he KNOWS sarawat would/should do bc he KNOWS the depths of his love for tine so he used those moments so smartly to show that (a sign of v v v good acting!!!). like a marriage proposal, or putting tine’s hand over his shoulder, or adding in cheek kisses. like. bright’s really gone over and beyond for sarawat and tried to show just how intensely in love wat is with tine, with the little space and room for manoeuvre that he got granted.

idk if the some of scripts were written in a rush? i mean, 2gether was the FIRST show from gmmtv to air in 2020 - if i’m correct???? - so, between november to february, the had to get everything shooted and done, but they MUST have started script writing earlier than that. idk ... 

personally, i do wish we did get some more of the novel scenes in the show. like, sarawat and tine coming out to sarawat’s dad was SUCH a BEAUTIFUL scene in the novel but we never got it on the show. why? bc it was from sarawat’s perspective, not tine’s. another really nice scene, is the cinema scene where they held hands, but on the show we got a different version of it, where instead, they talked about a happy or tragic ending before tine decides to accept being wat’s boyfriend and they hug (i like that scene though, purely bc we got to see win’s crying which was !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AMAZING! and the hug was SUPER sweet!). 

but yeah, it .... idk. seeing bright in that reaction video in some moments Hurt. bc .... there was so much he wanted to say but he kept it in. and he’d just glance and sigh and look down or away bc he GETS sarawat in a way i think nobody else does. and so ..... had the show had more time, or was able to cut out some scenes and replace them with other and rewrite bits, we could have gotten sarawat’s perspective, and not had the show completely butcher sarawat’s image in ep 12 the way they did, only for them to then have less than one episode, a finale no less, to save his face again, whilst also tying up every other plot at the same time. 

like, bright has SO MUCH to offer as sarawat. and bright says he doesnt know about a season 2 (yet), but, ya know, if we ever got to see tine and sarawat again, i kinda wish they allow bright more freedom - bc he understands his character a lot more better than the writers do, i feel. he gets sarawat on soul deep level. so i just wish they’d give bright more freedom to be sarawat. and i have no doubt that, if that had been the case, we would have gotten a LOT more physical intimacy between tine and sarawat. i’m not mad about the lack of it, but, i’m assuming that bright would have really made sarawat be a lot more physical with tine. but at the same time, i agree with bright when he said that tine and wat are people who show their affections to one another in private - which is why i am SO ...... upset that we never got to see tine and wat ALONE in the one year later scene, bc, like i said, they WOULD have been a LOT LOT LOT more intimate then. but they weren’t alone. so they weren’t intimate. which. yeah. 

but at the same time, ya know, bright’s so .... like. he gets where the hurt for tine stems from. just like how he gets sarawat’s character, he gets tine’s too. but like he said, he’s lived and breathed wat since day one - and so, i think he just really wanted a chance to explain everything from sarawat’s point of view. he really didn’t need to apologise at all, and yet he did, on behalf of wat hurting tine. 

so whilst i know its just said that oh ya know bright should just write the whole of s2, i kinda wish, if we were to get one, that they writers would sit down and LISTEN to bright and win and take some input of theirs in, since, they’re the ones who KNOW their characters and play them. 

but yeah, bright’s mind. his intellect. his knowing of sarawat ............. it will never cease to amaze to me just how dedicated he was at an emotional and psychological level to play sarawat.

do u have any more good omens fic recs?

oh boy do i. some of them are fics that i have included in my fic rec tag so if you’ve been in that bear with me there will also be others. basically my preferred and only accepted genre of anything is “unbearably tender” and “aziraphale is extremely neurotic and crowley loves him anyway” it’s therapeutic

at some point im going to update the original reference post with like. all the amazing content ive come across since making it but until then:

one may tolerate a world of demons for the sake of an angel by lumosity aka @femmeaziraphale aka my very best friend

they have started another fic intended to destroy my life in which hell wins the next round and divines a special torment for crowley pls read it and encourage them to finish it because they don’t believe me when i tell them it’s amazing and i am  d e s p e r a t e  for more.

 “You know, you’re very familiar,” Aziraphale said, breath stinking of the sweet wine.

 “Oh? I guess I look like many goat herders,” Crowley allowed. Aziraphale snorted, nudging Crowley’s shoulder clumsily.

 “No! I mean that you just seem like someone I’ve known before,” Aziraphale said. Crowley felt that familiar ache in his chest. Suddenly he wished he was sober.

 “I have a common face,” Crowley dodged.

 “Say whatever you like, but I feel like we fit together quite nicely,” Aziraphale said, resting his head against the bark of the tree. Crowley took the opportunity to watch Aziraphale while he had his eyes closed. There were the same old blonde eyelashes against his cheeks, the one little drop of sunlight that formed a mole at the corner of his eye. Crowley wished to kiss his cheek only once. An apology for not losing. For not giving Aziraphale an eternity of listening to celestial harmonies.

wings and how to hide them by triedunture

Crowley's been annoyingly in love for six thousand years. What's another lifetime between friends? // if you follow me you’ve probably seen me post or quote certain excerpts a million times you may recognize it as His Body Is A Place And It’s Filled With Love.

He swallowed. So bloody awkward, staring up at Aziraphale like this, having his face held. Was he supposed to maintain eye contact? It seemed impossible. His gaze darted away.

"Keep your eyes fixed on me," Aziraphale admonished, giving his cheek a little pat. "Try to imagine, I don't know...slipping into my body the way you'd slip into a new coat." His smile was weak.

Crowley made a face. "Sounds grotesque."

"It isn't! Come now." His voice and eyes softened. "Please. Try."

Deep breath in. He would try. For Aziraphale's sake. "All right." He opened his eyes, held Aziraphale's plaintive stare, and pictured how it would feel. To be a part of Aziraphale. To be held inside him, to surround him at the same time.

To be loved.

hand in unlovable hand by courfeyrock (les mis solidarity)

“Goodnight, my dear,” he says, and Crowley swears, Aziraphale could call him my dear for six thousand more years and he still wouldn’t be able to get used to it. // it’s tender it’s bed sharing it’s “i love you in the human way” it’s quoting that unspeakable broadchurch scene its title is from no children by tmg; in short, it’s specifically designed to torment me.

Crowley’s head snaps around as if on a swivel. “Shall we… what?”

“Go to sleep? Normally I would love to stay up and have a drink or a chat but you see I really am exhausted and I--”

“Yes, yes, of course.”  Idiot,  Crowley thinks.  I am such an idiot.  "I'll uh, I'll sleep underneath the covers, and you can sleep on top." He waves his hand in a forcefully casual gesture that he hopes conveys just how normal it is for two platonic friends to be having this conversation.

everything just stops by witching

they are drunk and crowley wants to take a bath so he miracles one and they have. the most unbearable conversation ever fucking put to fiction literally returning to it to select one single quote was nearly impossible for me emotionally. god the tenderness the yearning!!!! “i like your silly aziraphale things”!!!!!!!!!! “i love you deep, angel”!!!!!! i hate it! just read it please i cant actually keep describing it or i’ll have to lay down for a little while.

 “Are you –” the angel’s voice was hoarse, and he paused to clear his throat, “are you playing some sort of game right now?”[....]

“I am not,” Crowley whispered fervently, his face frighteningly close to Aziraphale’s. “Six thousand yearsss, angel. You’re a part of me, and I jussst – just wanted you to know, is all.”

 Without warning, Aziraphale reached with both hands to pull Crowley in closer, forcing him to drop his own hand from the angel’s face. Aziraphale held him gently, pressing a single chaste kiss to the demon’s forehead, his lips lingering as his thumbs slid tenderly along his cheekbones, his fingers wrapped up in dark, dripping hair.

 When Crowley responded not by recoiling, as Aziraphale had expected, but by melting against his skin and sighing contentedly, the angel placed another kiss on one cheek, then the other. He moved to kiss Crowley’s eyelids, his jawline, his chin, the corners of his mouth, all the time cradling Crowley’s head in his hands, waiting for the other shoe to drop, for Crowley to rebuff his affection.

Crowley, ever one to defy expectations, continued to allow the angel to kiss his face to his heart’s content. It was only when he heard Crowley sniff and let out a pitiful whimper that he pulled back, looking at the demon with concern.

hard feelings/loveless by witching

Aziraphale said it was like the opposite of the feeling you’re having when you say things like “this feels spooky.” Crowley didn’t know what to make of that, but he expected it was something like the opposite of the feeling you get when the only person who truly knows you makes a cryptic remark suggesting that you can’t understand love. Crowley understood love all too well. // crowley. crowley can’t sense love bc he is so goddamn full of love that he can’t see past it he’s just so full of it that he can’t separate it from just how he always is  c r o w l e y. also angelic/demonic mindmelding.

“What about - I mean, if that’s… love,” he struggled to get the word out, “then what’s this other feeling? The one that I’ve been calling love for all this time?”

 “I don’t know,” Aziraphale said. “I can’t possibly imagine.” He didn't have to voice his surprise at the fact that Crowley had an emotion he called love. It wasn't that he had truly thought Crowley was incapable of such an emotion; he was deeply aware of the power and range of the demon's feelings. He simply hadn't thought that Crowley was in tune with his own mind enough to understand it in those terms.

 “Can I show you?” Crowley blurted without thinking.

come as you are by punkfaery (explicit; trigger warning for body dysmorphia and disordered eating)

Aziraphale visits a modern art gallery, goes on a diet, and submits to the mortifying ordeal of being known. Not necessarily in that order. // this mugged me in an alleyway and ruined me emotionally for a whole night but like whatever. it starts with a mary oliver quote so idk what i expected

He dragged a kitchen chair out and sat in it, looking like he wanted to set fire to things with the power of his mind. He was probably angry enough to try it, too. Aziraphale moved a nearby copy of The Earth Compels out of the way, just in case. “It wasn’t really because of him,” he said. “It just made me realise, that’s all.”

“Realise what?”

Aziraphale swallowed. “That I’m not… quite as I should be. That you deserve better.” He lowered his head, feeling wretched. “That’s all. I’m sorry I didn’t say something from the start, but it seemed like a difficult sort of thing to bring up.”

Crowley’s face was indescribable.

“You thought I’d stop liking you because you’re not thin,” he said. His voice was utterly toneless. A muscle ticked in his jaw.

“Well, naturally when you say it like that it sounds – ”

“Seriously? After six thousand years of, of whatever you want to call this? After we literally saved the fucking world together?”

salinity (and other measurements of brackish water) by drawlight

It's an odd thing, getting on after the End of the World. Crowley takes to sea-watching. // michael sheen has read and recommended it. god. it starts with a quote from eros the bittersweet. it took me a full half hour to read past the first paragraph or so it’s so Much.

"I want to see you cook." (Something made from his hands. Something purely Crowley. Nothing pulled from the ether. Nothing sourced and given, no. Something made from his hands.)

He looks at his hands. Holds them up, splays them against the shale backdrop of his ceiling. His hands are always the same, day to day. They are clean but stained. His long and dawdling fingers, his bit of knuckles, his veins and tendons beginning to show a little more. Yes, more, he doesn't know the age of his body but he keeps it somewhere here, at indeterminate forty. There is a hangnail on the ring finger, there are stains of belladonna on the sides, on the rough spots.

Belladonna, that green plant sick with chlorophyll, sick with poison. Crowley is a gardener and he grows belladonna in his bedroom. He knows poisons the way Aziraphale knows the Dewey Decimal System. Yes, he knows them intimately, bent over his long counter, pulling the leaves apart, peeling the stems. Crushing the seeds. He knows not to lick his fingers after, that the leaves and berries are toxic to a grown man, that maybe even Livia had used it once, dripped into Augustus' wine. Not, really, that poisons would  matter  . It’s one of those little perks of the demon gig, that whole  immortality thing. What can get at him; what can cut it short? Only holy water and other blessed things. (Aziraphale is an angel, made out of blessed things. Crowley does not know how it might be to kiss him, mouth to wet mouth. If holy water might burn him, what can he expect from the freshwater mouth of an angel?)

birds of a feather by idiopathicsmile

Aziraphale nests. Crowley relearns some crucial facts about angelic courtship rituals. // look....im weak for home decorating as proxy or metaphor for domesticity and familiarity and this trope is literally this. i die

“Demons definitely don’t court,” says Crowley. “They fuck sometimes, but it’s—I don’t know if you’ve ever seen anything about the mating practices of insects but it’s more—like that. There’s no guarantee all parties will come out in one piece. Never seemed worth it, frankly. I like my pieces where they are.”

Aziraphale takes this all in with a series of slow, horrified nods.

“Wait,” says Crowley, “what do angels do?” He’s never pictured angels engaging with each other at all, outside of maybe mandatory team-building exercises.

“They nest,” says Aziraphale.

Crowley waits for this to all make sense. “What, instead of fucking?”

“No,” says Aziraphale primly. “Not  instead. It’s—it’s part of the courtship ritual. You have to be able to build a decent nest if you want to be seen as a viable mate—”

“Like birds,” Crowley repeats, disbelieving.

“Not like birds, birds got it from us,” shrills Aziraphale.

men have gone to heaven for smaller things than that by mercuryhatter

Aziraphale finds an age slipping away from him. // aziraphale and crowley attend robbie ross’ funeral, and aziraphale mourns the loss of the old circle. also there’s some brief dunking on bosie. i adore this fic with my whole heart

“Listen.” Aziraphale took Crowley’s elbow and dragged him out of earshot of the funeral, releasing him under a nearby tree. “It’s not that I’m not glad you’re back. Remember that, because I’m about to be very short with you, but it’s not that.” He raised an eyebrow questioningly and Crowley nodded.

“That being said.” Aziraphale took a deep breath. His voice was shaking slightly and he tried to press it back to steadiness inside his throat. “You will not get near one more human under my charge this decade, are we clear?”

“Angel–” Crowley started, surprised, but Aziraphale cut him off. Fury was bubbling up inside of him, bright and brittle and with a deeply-buried thread of exhaustion that he couldn’t afford to think too long about.

“No.”

where you stay i will stay by mercuryhatter

at the hundred guineas club, men went under women’s names. aziraphale went by naomi and he paid! to keep ruth free! for crowley!!!! while crowley slept! it stopped my tender heart

“Let’s see. We all know Victoria, of course. Betsey, Henrietta, Georgiana, Chastity, that’s rich, and Temperance too, particular friends of each other, I imagine? A few Elizabeths, not particularly creative… oh.” Crowley nudged Aziraphale until he peeked up from his place hidden in Crowley’s sweater. “Aziraphale.”

“No, dear, I didn’t put that one down.” Crowley huffed in fond exasperation.

“No, honey, you put Naomi.”

“So I did.”

“And… I don’t see a Ruth.”

“No,” Aziraphale sighed. “No, I paid them an extra hundred pounds a year to hold that one for me.”

“For you or for…”

and this isn’t a fic but another essay that means the world to me, making an effort: queer (trans) masculinity in the ethereal & occult beings of good omens by elegantidler and irisbleufic

I count on your meta and good taste gurl. It bugged me that Robert said "i chose you" when we well know that he didnt make that choice since he was forced out of his marriage with chrissie. He didnt make a choice he just couldnt have chrissie anymore. And the other thing is a line from the reveal "you told me everything in the end and i stayed didnt i"? What the hell that supposed to mean? He also said he wanted messed up but then after one light fight and he gave aaron up LITERALLY

OK ANON I GOT U LETS DO THIS

(eta: OK HERE IS LO OF THE FUTURE, HAVING FINISHED THIS POST. JUST TO LET YOU KNOW I HAD FAR TOO MUCH FUN AND THIS POST IS OVER 2900 WORDS LONG SO LIKE

GET YOURSELF A CUP OF TEA)

firstly and the whole reason i decided to answer this ask, bc i LOVE talking about this, let’s talk about if robert truly chose aaron that first time around:

It bugged me that Robert said "i chose you" when we well know that he didnt make that choice since he was forced out of his marriage with chrissie. He didnt make a choice he just couldnt have chrissie anymore.

SO

ok, i don’t know how recently you’ve watched or rewatched the era from the lodge and chrissie/robert break up until... let’s say aaron’s reveal, because aaron’s reveal was when robert said ‘i love you’ to aaron again and really put robert and aaron back in one another’s orbits on the lead up to their eventual reunion, so

we really want to look at the period before robert did that - from the moment he lost chrissie, to him actively sort of... i guess announcing to the audience that robron was still gonna be a thing? is the best way to describe the purpose of robert saying ‘i love you’

this also high key benefits me, because that’s exactly where i’ve written up to in my break up posts (see part six and part seven)

this is convenient, because i spend those two parts talking about robert’s whole journey from being like I WANT TO BE WITH CHRISSIE AND HER MONEY to eventually being like UH CHRISSIE WHO

my theory is that after he got shot, he had a coma dream where it was just all-aaron all-the-time and he woke up like.... life is too short and i am in love with a man and his name is aaron dingle

my reasoning for this is that there is a pointed difference between how robert behaves towards both chrissie and aaron pre-coma and post-coma, even when he thinks both potentially could have tried to kill him lmao

pre-coma robert was outed against his will, first by aaron to chrissie and then by chrissie to his family (and the entire village). robert wasn’t ready to come out - he says the words “i’m straight” to vic (he also says “i’m not gay” a lot to defend himself but we have to let that slide because he wasn’t actually lying, even if he still very clearly isn’t ready to come out or talk openly about his sexuality or feelings for aaron with anyone else)

robert is clinging onto chrissie and sort of... is convinced that they can make it work, even though she’s so mad at him that she actively tries to set him on fire.

some key moments that i’m just going to straight up c/p from my break up posts to describe some things that happen, bc why rewrite something i’ve already written:

FIRSTLY, here’s two excerpts pre-coma, to show you how robert was acting just after being outed

robert’s determination that he and chrissie could get back together (in a way that literally seems desperate, with robert refusing to acknowledge the reality of the situation:

Robert pops by Home Farm, presumably to pick up his stuff, and tries to apologise to Chrissie again by ONCE AGAIN COMPARING HIS MONTHS-LONG, EMOTIONALLY INTIMATE, PASSIONATE AFFAIR WITH AARON TO THAT ONE TIME CHRISSIE AND CAIN TOUCHED LIPS FOR 10 SECONDS AND LIKE

HE’S GOT SOME FUCKIN NERVE, DOESN’T HE

I love one (1) dickhead.

Chrissie also thinks this is insane and Rob’s response to that is YOU STILL BETRAYED ME AND THAT HURT BUT I STILL FORGAVE YOU. BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. Fuckin Rob.

Chrissie asks him to gtfo but Robert unsurprisingly selective hears his way around that  - instead he goes through his box of stuff that Chrissie has packed and realises that she’s including a bottle of probably very expensive whiskey that Robert gave her, promising that they would drink it on their tenth wedding anniversary. Robert is like THAT’S STILL POSSIBLE!!!! And Chrissie is like LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO SON and pours that shit down the sink.

She asks Robert if he loves Aaron, or if he ever loved Aaron and Robert, poor Robert who is still so fucking desperate to be in the closet that I can’t even hate him through any of this and I half wanna give him a little cuddle, Robert lies and says no. Chrissie says that she probably could have forgiven Robert if he’d cheated on her for love (spoiler alert: she couldn’t) but that she can’t believe he would throw them away for “nothing”. She asks Robert if there were other men and Rob’s face says that there were plenty of other men (and other women, what a lil horn dog) and she tells him to get out.

vic trying to speak with robert about his sexuality:

Vic ignores Robert and says, very seriously, that she knows it can’t be easy, “especially for the son of a farmer” and then starts talking about how Jack would have understood and been proud of Robert and Rob can barely even look at her, because he knows how Jack reacted  when he found out and it’s haunted him since he was a teenager. The only fuckin word Rob can get out to Vic is “don’t”, because he can’t talk about this and Jack with her and it’s all just

So sad.

Vic changes tact again and simply asks Robert to be honest with himself, because she just wants him to be with someone who he actually loves.

Rob still looks kind of haunted, but snaps himself out of it so that he can talk about how much he loves Chrissie. Victoria, quite fairly, asks why, if he had all this love for her, he cheated on her AND HE SAYS THE WEAKEST FLIPPIN LITTLE “IT WAS A MISTAKE”

MMHMM

AND THEN, LIKE

SHE’S LITERALLY LIKE

“WHAT WAS SO SPECIAL ABOUT AARON? DID YOU LOVE HIM?”

AND ROBERT FUCKIN SUGDEN JUST SITS THERE AND AFTER LIKE, THE PAUSE OF THE ETERNITY, STUMBLES HIS WAY THROUGH A DENIAL - WELL, ACTUALLY HE SAYS “NO - WHAT DOES IT MATTER ANYWAY? IT’S OVER” SO IT’S FUCKIN BARELY A DENIAL

OL’ VICTORIA DOESN’T GIVE UP THOUGH. SHE SAYS AGAIN THAT HE MUST HAVE BEEN REALLY IMPORTANT TO HIM, SO ROBERT SNAPS AND TELLS HER TO STOP IT. SHE FIGHTS BACK AND SAYS IT’S A SIMPLE QUESTION - “DID YOU LOVE HIM?”

AND ROBERT SAYS “NO, SHUT UP” IN A WAY THAT IS LITERALLY SO UNCONVINCING THAT VICTORIA JUST SITS THERE AND SAYS

“You did, didn’t you?”

He walks out of the room and doesn’t answer her.

And then he decides to move out of the village.

from the above, we can pretty easily glean that at the very least, robert is not comfortable about being out. he’s sort of... desperately scrambling around to not acknowledge what exactly is happening and part of that is him being determined to get back with chrissie in a way that literally involves him having to ignore reality. i think it’s difficult to separate his need to get back with chrissie to his desire to go back into the closet, honestly

but, if we’re saying that robert still wants to be with chrissie at this point, there’s also enough evidence to support this, given that that’s all he spends this entire time trying to do (or at the very least, he spends a lot of time trying to get his hands on her money/embed himself back into the home farm business)

SO THEN ROB GETS SHOT

HE GOES INTO A COMA, AARON FONDLES HIS LIFE SUPPORT AND TELLS HIM TO “HURRY UP AND DIE” AND THEN (unrelated) GETS ARRESTED FOR ROBERT’S ATTEMPTED MURDER, ROBERT WAKES UP AND LEARNS THIS AND SPENDS WEEKS BEING LIKE but how could someone who loves me do something like that AND LOOKING DEVASTATED

and ok firstly, bringing things back round to your question of where robert’s head was at in the aaron vs chrissie war inside of him, i would like to posit the idea that

robert spent a lot of time like.... genuinely upset about aaron potentially having killed him and feeling sad

whereas he was fully ready to believe chrissie would

and honestly between the two of them i’d also probably pin chrissie as more likely to shoot a cheating bitch, but honestly... honestly, i’d just like to remind everyone that if you rewatch, there’s a real difference in robert’s attitude to the possibility that aaron did it and the possibility that chrissie did it (mostly he’s just scared of chrissie lmaoooo)

SO, back to the recap of the story, THEN IN A CONFLUENCE OF ANDY-FEELS-GUILTY-ABOUT-AARON EVENTS, ROB ACCIDENTALLY FINDS OUT THAT ANDY WAS BEHIND THE SHOOTING AND GETS ANDY TO CONFIRM THAT AARON IS IN FACT INNOCENT

lets all rewatch chicken 2.0 guys it’s a masterpiece

a cheeky except from chicken 2.0 wherein i argue that aaron is a fundamental part of this set of events:

Rob once again tries to explain that it was an accident but gives up halfway through, because Andy’s clearly never gonna hear it and then he’s all like “YOU WANNA BELIEVE I KILLED HER? FINE! I KILLED THE BITCH. SO YOU TRIED TO KILL ME. NO, ACTUALLY, YOU GOT SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT AND THEN YOU LET AARON TAKE THE BLAME”

Aaron taking the blame is a fundamental part of how pissed off Robert is, I need you all to understand this. If anyone else had been in prison, Rob probs wouldn’t have been careening down to the police station to sell Andy to the police quite so fast, let’s all be real here. Like, maybe eventually, but it wouldn’t have been the first thing Robert felt the need to do. Rob’s list of priorities on this day are, in no particular order:

Be upset that his brother hates him enough to try and kill him (again)

Free Aaron

...At the hospital, Vic is demanding answers but neither brother offers up the truth. Once they’re alone, Robert immediately asks Andy what they’re going to do about Aaron, because he can’t go down for something he didn’t do. Andy says he knows and he’ll sort it and then reiterates that he still sort of wants to kill Robert. Robert says that he tried to leave Andy but couldn’t, because no matter what either of them do, they’re brothers. Robert says that Emmerdale is where his family is and he can’t leave.

...Robert leaves and, apparently not content with Andy’s commitment to help Aaron ~~~at some point one day~~~, immediately calls DS Hart and gives a false description of his shooter that clears Aaron’s name.The village reacts and everyone keeps saying the words “Robert got Aaron off” and I laugh every damn time.

THIS IS SO GRATUITOUS BUT I’M HAVING FUN AND ISN’T THAT TRULY WHAT MATTERS HERE

BUT ANYWAY, ALL THIS (FUCKIN 1800 WORDS!!!! YEAH!!!!) TO GET TO MY ACTUAL POINT WHICH IS THE MOMENT THE SHOW MAKES IT CLEAR THAT ROBERT SUGDEN IS NOW IN FACT

ALL AARON ALL THE TIME

CHRISSIE WHOMST

YK

IT STARTS JUST AFTER ROBERT GETS AARON OUT OF JAIL, PER THIS CHEEKY EXCERPT FROM MY BREAK UP POST:

Aaron gets home a few days later and returns as Rob is having a drink in the pub. They make eyes at one another and Aaron texts Robert to meet him outside - apparently to yell at Robert and accuse him of keeping him locked up just to mess with Aaron’s head.

AND IT’S FASCINATING BECAUSE ROB IS ALL SOFT WITH AARON AND WANTS TO MAKE SURE HE’S OK AND AARON IS LIKE “HAHAHAHA I HATE YOU XOXOXO” AND STORMS OFF AND LIKE

THIS IS THE START OF ONE OF MY FAVOURITE UNDERRATED ROBRON PERIODS: THE PERIOD WHERE AARON HATES ROBERT’S GUTS AND ROBERT IS OPENLY HEAD OVER FUCKING HEELS IN LOVE WITH AARON AND KEEPS MANUFACTURING EXCUSES TO SPEND TIME WITH HIM.

IT’S AMAZING.

this is, i must stress, an underrated period in the robron journey and totally slept on, as evidenced by people still believing that robert didn’t actively make a choice to be with aaron this time around, all the way back at the end of 2017/beginning of 2016 and then forever and ever beyond that

and i’m here today to defend this beautiful period with everything i have within me

but also to talk about why robert absolutely and actively chose aaron

n o w, fortunately for me and my argument here, and you might not remember, but the show did this really pointed thing around this time of bringing chrissie back into robert’s life in a way that was kind of really wonderful

so, two things happen

firstly, chrissie’s trial for accidentally killing three people with a helicopter takes place at this time. robert, as a key witness (i.e. the person she was actually trying to kill), gets on the stand and actually vouches for chrissie, largely bc he actually understands that he kind of ruined her entire fuckin life and destroyed their marriage by banging the local mechanic

and then

there’s this little story where chrissie finds out that diane has been diagnosed with cancer and offers to help her pick out some wigs. chrissie’s mum also had cancer and so chrissie is doing this for herself and diane’s benefit, not robert’s - however diane is all very *eyebrow wiggles* so do u wanna get back with my son *eyebrow wiggles*

diane also brings this up with robert and is like hmmm i’m pretty sure there’s hope for you and chrissie yet

this all happens, by the way, at pretty much the same time as aaron is falling apart because gordon is back

now, i need to stress that at this point, chrissie is being a lot more civil with robert than aaron is - aaron is being sort of the opposite of civil. robert has also spent an entire month trying to worm his way back into aaron’s life. chrissie and robert actually genuinely have some nice, if awkward scenes. in contrast every scene aaron has with robert involves aaron insulting robert lmaoooo.

like, if we’re going by who is more receptive to robert’s presence at this time, it’s legit 1000% chrissie. like, she’s not into it, don’t get me wrong - she’s so over robert - but she’s not actively threatening him so??? still an improvement????

except robert is just out there, obsessing over a grumpy scrapper. literally everything he does in this period revolves around aaron. he has laser focus on aaron. which, as we know, legit does not change as they get closer again. robert literally entertains the idea of buying part of the woolpack, purely to engineer some time alone with aaron

(every single person immediately sees through this plan but robert, shiny post-coma robert, is literally shameless and doesn’t care lmao)

he’s just like oh aaron... wouldn’t it be cozy....

SO BACK TO THE ROB/CHRISSIE THING, BECAUSE THE SHOW LEGIT 

LEGIT HAS A SCENE WHERE IT SHOWS US EXACTLY WHERE ROB’S HEAD IS AT

chrissie and kerry are sitting in the woolie chatting and chrissie says shit about how sometimes u just need to move on when u know a person isn’t meant for you

vic and robert are sitting behind her. vic is like, clearly with no shame about the fact that she was just eavesdropping, “did you just hear that?”

rob is like “yeah why should i care?”, looking genuinely unbothered 

vic calls him out and is like “since when have you not been bothered about chrissie”

AND ROBERT

ROBERT GOES

“I’VE GOT MORE IMPORTANT THINGS ON MY MIND.”

AND VIC IS LIKE “....Like?”

(i’m literally just transcribing the scene)

rob goes “LIKE BUYING THIS PLACE!!! YOU HAVE TO HELP CONVINCE DIANE TO SELL IT TO ME”

and vic is all “WELL WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU WANT IT???” and then she realises that the only reason why rob would want to go into business with chas is because he loves aaron and he’d “put up with anything for him”

so anyway, i could have literally answered ur question by just transcribing this scene, but this was more fun wasn’t it

ANYWAY, with this little scene, we literally see it spelled out for us, nice and clear - robert is interested in getting back with only one ex at this time

a little later, vic mentions to robert that aaron seems to be struggling with gordon being around (which he very much is, plus dealing with the horribly timed discovery that paddy has been cheating on rhona but trying to adopt a child, which really triggers a lot of feelings in aaron, given paddy is his actual father figure) (it’s so rough rip) and robert low key just sort of stalks aaron to try and work out what’s wrong. which is how robert ends up being the one to be there when aaron collapses (and sets the whole ball in motion for aaron to accidentally and then deliberately tell robert about gordon)

this whole sequence of events starts around 14 january 2016, if u wanna go rewatch. it’s amazing.

so anyway.

robert actively chose to be with aaron and wouldn’t have gotten back with chrissie even if she’d been interested. he knew, by that point, and had entirely accepted exactly where his heart really was.

ALSO OK I KNOW YOU ASKED TWO OTHER QUESTIONS BUT LIKE

THIS POST IS ALREADY ALMOST 3000 WORDS LONG AND I HAVE SO MUCH WORK TO DO AND LEGIT I’LL BE HERE ALL DAY I’VE BEEN WRITING THIS FOR FOUR HOURS this is who i am this is my life

AND I CANT EVEN ANSWER THOSE Q’S IN A QUICK WAY SO IM JUST GOING TO PRETEND THEY NEVER HAPPENED AND THEN IF U STILL WANNA KNOW MY THOUGHTS JUST ASK ME AGAIN TOMORROW LMAOOO im sorry this just got too out of hand only rip im actually not even sorry

ok ty goodnight xoox

EPISODE EIGHT REWRITES: MOON SHADOW.

i really hate the writers. do u know that. anyway media and world really did war of the worlds together!!! media did that as a gift for world! i don’t really need to rewrite that bc honestly? it was Peak Media and the symbolism of world speaking over them? GOOD FOOD. we’re not implicating salim in this either idk what the fuck that was about anyway i hate about 90% of this season bye

  SILENCE. HEAVY AND OPPRESSIVE: shadows dragging down against neon-silhouette figures comprised of sharp lines and sharper intentions: biting angles and terrifying REALISM. Fear is real: and that is what the nation believes in. That is what the world believes in. The Mass Media backlit: plasma eyes glowing in the dark -- they are missing a piece in this equation; tinted blue in the strange light and their hands still across the war table; hovering over pieces and informants. YOU ARE IN DANGER OF BEING CANCELLED. It’s a threat that hangs in the air and The World’s hand drags; a shadow covering their own before it falls atop theirs like a gavel. ARE YOU PREPARED? And then there were three. Two pairs of impassive eyes resting upon a child that barely understood what it was to be a God.  Social Media shifts: a litany of cameras upon her and it’s not a livestream, not an Instagram story, not something she is in control of. Under the watchful eye of The Media, many things become glaringly transparent. I’VE DONE MY BEST. FORUMS, THEORIES, STATUSES. IT’S SPREADING, BUT IT’S SLOW. -- YOUR BEST IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Red lips unfurling into a too-wide smile and their acrylic teeth gleam coldly in the light: hunger was a companion long before anything else was made known to them. “I told you that this was the big leagues, kid. What is there to repeat when I have not spoken yet?” WHAT IS THE WORLD WITHOUT ITS VOX POPULI, VOX DEI?   “The people believe what they want to believe. They believe what I say is true and it becomes true. This story, this script, was never anyone’s but ours. It is time that they remembered that.” Cameras panning: attention subverted and their gaze meets The World unflinchingly. An unspoken agreement: a contract over a century old and once more, their smiles mirror each other. The hand of The World can be generous; fingertips skimming the curve of their jaw and their eyes glitter with that same cavernous hunger that plagues the other. MEDIA, TAKE A WALK. 

  BREAKING NEWS: SUSPECTS WANTED IN RELATION TO STATION MASSACRE EARLIER THIS YEAR. At home at last: back where they belong in front of their eyes and when The Mass Media smiles, it is terrible. It is RADIANT: something that says ‘MOMMY IS HOME!’ Back in front of their eyes and suddenly the world is not so small, the network not so dead. Hands passing through satellite signals and cathode rays; adjusting dials and channel surfing through CCTV footage. Everything compiled, recorded, stored: remembered. I SEE YOU. I KNOW YOU. Drone footage and what remained of Argus: all given to them. For them. A New Age sacrifice and no blood spilt: THAT WAS WHAT IT WAS TO BE NEW AGAIN. I see you. The footage freezes: tracks Shadow Moon and Mister Wednesday across America. The derelict Target where he had first rejected their offer, the bank they’d robbed in the snow, the grainy hotel office from STARBRITE MOTEL where they’d paid cash and signed on the dotted line for two rooms. King. Non-smoking. Dash camera footage from the cruisers, mug shots and interview room recordings; the sight of both of them running out the back door in the dark. I see you! LET’S PLAY A GAME: HOW LONG CAN YOU HIDE FROM MY ALL SEEING EYE? WINNER GETS NOTHING.    Show time. What’s the cue again? Sliding into skins as easily as clothes; pixels and plasma waves distorting waxy features, transmitting something - someone - new and their face continues to shift. A woman with a mousy bob and a watery smile. A handsome man with bleach-blond hair slicked back and caked with gel, a red-headed BOMBSHELL with a dress cut almost too low for public television, a bland man in glasses with an ill fitting suit. THESE, THE VOICES OF AMERICA. We are live in three! Two! One! BREAKING NEWS! Stock markets plummet as travellers find themselves stranded. Gas shortages are being reported all over the country. Eyes rolling back; static and test patterns flashing with their gaze and a mouth that never stopped speaking moving soundlessly; feeding scripts through earpieces and teleprompters to the masses. SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA: a fight breaks out at a Shell gas station. The pumps are not working and the radio is playing smooth jazz from the convenience store: it begins when a cyclist clubs a man trying to lift a jug of gas into his minivan; his hands shake and when he sees them covered in blood, he screams. BREAKING NEWS! Credit and debit down all over the country. Cellphone service is down with it. We are standing by for more news on the situation. SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA: a middle aged woman begins to harass a cashier in Wal-Mart: debit declining for the fifth time while Mozart’s Symphony #40 (G Minor) wafts over the loudspeaker. Manicured finger wagging in the cashier’s face: she’s a girl just trying to work her way through college. The woman throws a punch, lands square in the cashier’s jaw and forgetting company protocol, she leaps over the counter and slams her to the floor. BREAKING NEWS: WE HAVE VISUAL CONFIRMATION ON THE TWO MEN WANTED IN CONNECTION TO THE MASSACRE IN EVANSTON, ILLINOIS. DO NOT APPROACH THESE MEN FOR THEY ARE ARMED AND THEY ARE DANGEROUS. Voice rising and falling; sync’d with broadcasts and it is a hellish, ECHOING chorus of a thousand voices speaking as one. IF YOU SEE THE MEN ON YOUR SCREEN, CALL THE FBI TIP LINE IMMEDIATELY. DO NOT APPROACH THEM. WE WILL REPORT MORE AS WE LEARN MORE.   Give them time. Give them attention. They devour it whole. Screens flickering; static crackles and it sounds like laughter. YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: WE HAVE TRACED THE MURDERERS TO CAIRO, ILLINOIS. IF YOU HAVE SEEN THESE MEN, WE ASK THAT YOU CALL THE TIP LINE OF THE CAIRO POLICE. MORE TO COME. The phones ring: pick it up and all that is heard is screaming.

  EVEN OLD GODS NEED ENTERTAINMENT: how do they feel knowing that that room was never private? Television screen flicking on and the image skips; adjusts to out-dated glass and grainy colour. BZZT-CLICK! The room filled with the synthesised tracks of local news and it is both familiar and all too-cheerful. Shadow Moon still does not believe. Still does not understand. The Mass Media shuffles their papers against a chrome desk: bleached hair perfectly curled; nothing out of place. No creases, no wrinkles: a smooth, blank and familiar slate. A smile that belongs on GOOD MORNING AMERICA. “Hello, Shadow.” Far off. Distant. Seeping through airwaves and their smile stretches painfully. “Do you remember me?” - “I don’t think he does, Marilyn.” Camera panning; a co-host to their right: a bland face in an even blander suit; a face that would be lost in the crowd. Both sets of eyes upon him: their faces blur, skip. “We’ve been on hiatus for such a long time.” - “But we’re back and ready to help serve our communities!” The screen warps, flickers. MARILYN MONROE IS READY FOR A CLOSE UP! Lacquered lips blowing a kiss and fake lashes fluttering; the subway passing by with a gust of wind. LUCILLE BALL BACK ON SET: lounging on a manufactured couch and the cigarette casts harsh shadows; that horrible stare to match that gruesome smile. All seeing. “Do you remember me now, Shadow?” A thousand dead stars laughing, a million news anchors smiling: it’s vast, it’s INFINITE: microphone reverb amplifying it tenfold. Lucille’s face streeeeetches, warps; flashing between faces ( GARLAND. BOWIE. LEIA. ROGERS. WONKA. ); settling on plain-faced suburbia with a wink. “I said this was our story, Shadow. We’d be telling it however we want: I know I’ll be satisfied with this ending. Will you?” WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. PLEASE STAND BY.

  BREATHLESS. FREEZEFRAME: still in Black Briar; everyone accounted for: they’ve no attention left for anyone but themselves. Gaze still buzzing with static; flickering through stations and test screens and their chest heaves with artificial breath they no longer need. THAT IS WHAT IT IS TO BE THE VOICE. World’s words echo. THAT IS WHAT IT IS TO BE A GOD. A wave of The World’s hand and both The Technical Boy ( VERSION WHAT? OPERATING SYSTEM WHEN? ) and Social Media ( TRENDING NEWS: MASS MEDIA TAKES AMERICA BY STORM ) leaving silently. The World’s shadow falls over them; chest to back; The Media turns into them and it’s an almost intimate closeness between them; a breath away from touching. “I hope that this has pleased you.” A pause, cameras focusing upon them. “I hope the Network Head finds it within them to renew me for another season.” Over-processed curls tipping over The World’s shoulder; eyes tracing outlines, a hand on the back of their neck, sliding down their spine. I THINK THAT CAN BE ARRANGED. Too close now; lips almost touching and they both pause; glassy stares sliding to look outwards to an audience that had always been watching. The camera holds on them: neither blink; and slowly, slowly, lips peel into identical smiles. “Transmission received.” TRANSMISSION ENDED.    The screen goes dark. 

WYLEI 11 - submission

The following was a submission (rather than a series of asks) discussing the latest chapter, sent in by one of my lovely regulars, lie anon. As it’s quite long I’ll place it under a read more; if it doesn’t display, I’m really sorry!

Wow, Jo. There’s so much I want to say to you. First of all, thank you so much for writing WYLEI. It was 18K of goodness; a ride so wild that I don’t wanna ever come down. This chapter is filled with pain, misery, heartbreak, relief, love and lust - a diabolical cocktail (hehe) that you feed to us and we partake so gleefully. The wait for this chapter is so worth it, and thank you so much for working so hard on it. You’re such a gem! I’m sending you a submission so I don’t clog your inbox ><“ I’m sorry I’ve so much thoughts I want to share ><”

You’re so welcome!! I’m serious! You’ve been so patient and encouraging the whole way. And don’t ever apologise for ‘clogging’ my inbox, I’m always so happy to hear from you :)

I want to gush about many parts of the chapter, namely the smut and heartbreak and confession. Wait, that’s the whole story wtf gdi lie anon is whipped as fuck!!! Ok I’m gonna talk about the sad parts first. Good lord Y/N had to force herself to look away from Kook because those eyes are a mirage now, and it will transport her to places of pain and misery that she shouldn’t find, that doesn’t belong in the first place ugh can you hear the sound of my heart breaking into a million pieces… The promise of happier and blissful days ahead are now shattered by Kook’s deadly secret :( it fucking stinks because I was rooting for Kook and Y/N right from the start. “Like an inmate fleeing from some plush penitentiary of pain” what the fuck. Y/N doesn’t deserve this bullshit. All she did was love Kook and he broke her. Fuck JK, really. I’m so mad at him right now. He better have a fucking good explanation for what’s going down as The Biggest Fuckup in The History of Mankind, istg. Or I’ll personally strangle this stupid boy with my bare hands ugh ajksfhjsl fuck!!!

fhfhfh yes, looking into the eyes of someone you thought you knew (and loved) after such a horrific revelation must be so difficult. Like, that person kissed and said sweet nothings to you behind a mask of some sort, so it must feel like looking into a stranger’s face afterwards. That’s definitely how Y/N was feeling. dfjkdjkj he really better have the most redeemable of reasons for lying to her. Will you guys think it’s good enough tho?!

I was expecting him to run after Y/N, because that just felt so much like what he’d do but he didn’t. Was it because his fiancee was there? Y/N couldn’t bring herself to hate the woman ugh my child is so pure and I’m hurting all over again :( “I’m not going to chase you” and “I won’t give up” um, what in the fresh hell, really. Why is he so lax in his pursuit now? :(

He said he wouldn’t chase her just so that she wouldn’t trip and fall to her death down the stairs (so he does at least possess some humanity lmao). And he must have said that he wouldn’t give up, because, well… he turned up at her apartment later. And rang her in between. As I try not to offer too many insights into their minds, I will say it from a place of speculation: perhaps he understood that she needed to get away from him at that moment. She absolutely wouldn’t stop running. So he resorted to calling her, and then turning up at her apartment. I don’t think he wanted to run her into the ground (she was very clearly exhausted).

And Jo, the way you documented Y/N’s journey from the eighteenth floor to the ground floor was so intricate! Her thought processes, her inner monologue, her sense of self-worth diminishing… it really did a number to me because I actually felt pain as I read it. It feels as though Y/N’s blaming herself for this treachery, you know? :( that she felt she had bursted someone’s bubble when JK was the one who ruined everything with his own hands :( god, I’m in so much awe of what you can do with mere words. I’m unbelievably in love with the way you write. And the last sentence? A fucking cliffhanger. A fucking heartbreak to come once more. Why don’t you take my heart and run it over with a bulldozer since it’s broken already lmao.

;;;;;; i’m so glad you liked that!!!! I wanted it to be intense and breathless. Constantly repeating how tired/how much it burned to run, to emphasise it in your own mind. ‘Til you start feeling it yourself!! 

Yeah, Y/N has a tendency to blame herself for everything. She thinks she can’t keep Jungkook interested, must have only been an escape from his life on the upper crust, etc… he was helping to build up her confidence, but then he tore it all down again. I feel like she should take a leaf from actual BTS’ book and Love Herself first. :( People often can’t do what’s best for them, though, for various reasons.

Next, the confession. God, I loved it with every fibre of my ridiculous being. The rawness of it all. How it came gushing through her lips and to be met with equal fervour by Tae. The exchange was mesmerising - timid and shy yet bold and dauntless altogether. I appreciate the fact that Tae had to take some time to digest the information and that he responded in the way that he did. It did felt right, after all that shit he put Y/N through the years.

I got SO into writing that scene. I wanted it paced and worded perfectly, because that was the ‘big’ moment. The fic had been building up to it for 10 chapters. From all the feedback I’ve received, I feel like I was able to do it the justice it deserved, and I couldn’t be happier about it. ;;;; thank you so much. The tumult of emotion you mention is precisely how I wanted it to play out. It took some bold leaps into the unknown and neither know what’s on the other side, but they did it anyway.

The part where Tae found her in the old haunt was so heartwarming. The piggyback ride, that little trip down memory lane… it felt nice knowing that some things just don’t change with time. Tae’s conviction in getting even for Y/N’s sake had me melting into a puddle of goo and feels. He’s so protective over her ahhh omg where can I find me someone like WYLEI’s Tae!!!

THIS IS MY FAV BIT!!!! I imagined this from day one. T__T And it was so nice to put it down into words, finally. AND YASS PROTECTIVE TAE!! I’ll be honest I’m not one for hot-headed males IRL but in the realm of fic (and as long as they’re not psychotic), I enjoy a guy with a vengeful spirit. And you mention exactly why. The protectiveness. T___T ahhajwkh. 

Tae’s initial reluctance in not wanting to fuck Y/N in this state really had my heart soft and in a pulpy mess. He knew it wasn’t right because this one fuck might make things messy again. He didn’t want to fuck things up any further with Y/N because he loves her too much to put her through another shit show. It’s a small part nonetheless, but showed how much Tae loved Y/N even though it means going against her wishes at that point in time.

Yes!!!! That was hugely important to include!!! I feel, without it, I’d be getting far different responses to this scene. It was essential to demonstrate that Tae had learnt his lesson and really valued their friendship above all. That he doesn’t just think of her as a woman in an attractive body. 

I feel like this chapter mirrors chapter 9, for some reason? Perhaps it had to do with the culmination of buried feelings and emotions, primarily desire and longing. Passion that laid dormant and stifled for fear of ruining the present equilibrium, are now brought to life with a confession. That, I find, makes the scenes all the more emotionally charged and engaging. And all the smut with Tae… NOW TAKE OFF YOUR FUCKING PANTIES EVERYONE, IT’S TIME TO SCREAM!!!

You’re 100% right. The latter half, at least, is very much like 9. Y/N feeling desolate on the heels of the other guy, the lead-up banter, the actual act; it’s all very intimate; revolves around her and the respective guy in each chapter. And with a cliffhanger suggesting that you can’t just disappear into the arms of another and not pay the price.

“I want you to watch me undress.” > WHAT. THE. FUCK. Y/N is the epitome of Big Dick Energy, y’all!!! Fucking hell. The way she commanded Tae to watch her… WOW. I’m blown away with that power. That seductress side of her from before came out to play and I was unbelievably thrilled!!!

Hahaha, I guess, because I was writing her, I felt like her usual feistiness wasn’t behind that line. She was desperate to see some form of evidence that she was still desirable as a human being, so she put on a facade that normally comes very naturally to her. In this case it was pretty forced, and Tae saw through it quite quickly. Thank God, because I felt so awkward writing that bit. It really didn’t feel right to me.

“Fuck, all the times I’ve imagined you like this” > um, hello??? This is so fucking hot I’m sweating my fat ass off!!! Like Tae fina-fucking-lly gets to bone the living daylights out of Y/N and I can literally hear the utter desperation, the excitement, want and need in his deep, baritone voice as he says that? I’m not ok what the fuck is going on???

LOL you crack me up aklwjdawklj!! YES I had to cram in all his tasty one-liners about how much he’s thought about fucking her and in a myriad of ways bc gdi it’s hot and Tae is one horny man. With absolutely no reserve. IT’S SO HOT *fans self* 

“You have me” > um what the fuck, Jo? I legit died at this line??? I can only imagine the assertion and conviction in Tae’s voice when he said that??? He declared it once more to Y/N and I couldn’t breathe because /f e e l s/. Error 404: lieanon.exe not found (was dead in a ditch and now sending this from afterlife p.s. hell isn’t half as hot as the smut you write huehuehue).

aaaND THIS IS MY FAV OF HIS LINES DURING THE SEX STUFF!!! It’s just, like, it must be utter relief and happiness and desire flooding her hearing him say that. It’s all she’s ever wanted to hear from him. Instant crEAM. 

“Heaven was his practised teeth and tongue, pinching and suckling your collarbones to an inhuman shade. Like an overzealous pet he branded you with feral desire, mounting marks into stretches of unclaimed skin. ” > I got too much of a fucking kick while reading this because hickeys are fucking sexy and territorial so Y/N, WEAR THEM LIKE BADGES OF HONOUR. Ok seriously though where can I sign up for WYLEI’s Tae?!?!?!

ABSOLUTELY. HICKEYS FOR LIFE. I wanted to show how contrasting Jungkook and Tae’s approaches are in the bedroom, and Tae is far more aggressive (due to his confidence and experience). Plus he just freakin’ loves hickeys I guess. And as Y/N said, he’s aware ‘people’ will see them (Tae fights dirty lmao).

And that part when Tae fucked Y/N from the back AND pulling her while doing so? Mother of god that was SO. FUCKING. HOT. The mental imagery will never be lost on me, and it’s seared to the back of mind waiting to be revisited during /desperate/ times ahahaha FUCK. The tension and passion in that scene was palpable, and that taunting was sure as heck the cherry on top. Tae fucked Y/N through her squirting lmao let’s all hover over our damned bucket respectively because our panties are probably beyond soaked from that part istg my loins hurt and I need an ice pack gOD DAMMIT JO.

LMADOWNb i’m literally grinning from ear to ear reading this you are a tREASURE of the highest value. I’m glad you enjoyed that ;)))) my guidelines for going into this sex scene was: 1) it has to be passionate, 2) it has to be rough, 3) they both have to come quick the first time bc when you’re just THAT wound up about someone it’s hard to last long when you’re so impassioned and greedy. Plus I find something really hot about a fast ejaculation LMAO *sweats*. 

But you know what I find is the fucking sexiest part in the whole chapter? When Tae took Y/N’s hand and sucked her fucking fingers clean of her own juices wHAT THE FLYING FUCK JO WHAT THE ACTUAL /F U C K/ DID HE FUCKING LOOKED HER IN THE EYES AS HE DID SO?!?!?! I’M ASKING FOR A FRIEND ASHDFJKL I WILL NEVER BE OVER THIS PART.

you liked that the most!!!? Glad I included that then, that was just a spur of the moment thing I included while expanding the smut. He was v e r y hungry for her. ;)

AHHH I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS CHAPTER THE PAIN THE RAWNESS THE SMUT ASDAFFDSGL *incoherent yelling* uhm except i felt a little uncomfortable with the use of “oppa” it’s an overused trope “noona” is all good though i’m sorry please don’t hate me i love you :(

I had a couple of people ask about the oppa thing and honestly I had no idea that it had been sullied so much by kboos. After getting some feedback, including yours, I decided to change it to a much clearer ‘daddy’, after some thought on the matter. It’s probably the case that Koreans wouldn’t think to use their titles in such a way (correct me, anyone, if I’m wrong), as I was applying it with the vibe of ‘daddy’, and it’s probably not correct. So, just to be safe, I changed it. BTW I LOVE OVERUSED TROPES LIE ANON THIS WHOLE FIC IS BEST FRIENDS TO LOVERS THE QUEEN OF TROPES!! NO-ONE CAN STOP MY TROPE-LOVIN’ ASS!!! Can I interest you in some enemies to lovers eventually…?! (the king of tropes)

……so yes, *deep breaths* I think I’m done screeching about chapter 11 and now it’s time to revisit everything once again. Or maybe 9034857494 more times. I’m positive I’ll find something new to scream about ahahaha yikes I’m really whipped lmao. I’m so invested in your fic that I’m actually terrified of the day when it comes to an eventual end sigh pie :( you write so very well, m’dear. WYLEI has made me cry, made me smile and made me high. You’re a talented storyteller, bubz, and I can’t convey enough gratitude to you for bringing us this amazing fic, Jo. I love you so very much!!! You’ve done extremely well, truly and definitely. Always delivering the best to us readers. Sending you plenty of love and good vibes always, m’love!!! Thank you once again! (and sorry for this long ass submission i’m the literal worst) xx lie anon ♥️🌻

Lie anon, you’ve written a veritable novel of yourself here to me, and I just want you to know how very, very grateful I am of how much time you spent collecting your thoughts and communicating them to me. I’ve never received such an essay (I mean that in the most affecionate of ways) in my inbox and it was a heartwarming read from start to finish. Thank you so much. And never be afraid to tell me of the things you dislike, as you did with the oppa kink. I’m always open ears. <333333

#squad, contact, track and field, fragrance, and poison for the da group? and if you're up to it: photo album for all of them too c:

Gladly!! (from here)

#squad: who’s friends with who? what are the squad dynamics like?

The short version that I’d originally written ended up getting Really Long so how about I break this down alphabetically

FYFA: doesn’t interact much with Idina, though when they do talk she asks questions about magic; doesn’t interact much with Ilse, thinks she’s too uppity; initially didn’t like Kallian much but spends more time with her now that the Blight is over; immediately took a liking to Naoka during the Blight; doesn’t interact much with Sutton but likes her on the basis that Naoka likes her; warmed up to Theresa circa Broken Circle and has not ceased to be a nuisance to Tess since

IDINA: doesn’t interact much with Fyfa, though when they do talk she asks questions about Dalish life; doesn’t interact much with Ilse; likes Kal but didn’t spend much time with her until after the Blight; warmed up to Naoka slowly, and now likes her very much as a friend; gets along with Sutton; has been best friends with Tess since they were itty bitty, and it took them 18 years and a whole Blight to figure out they like each other

ILSE: doesn’t interact much with Fyfa or Idina, though she likes the latter more than the former; doesn’t interact much with Kal until they’re both close to their Callings, at which point they get along p well; hated Naoka at first, but they started to get along after she worked through her own Issues, and now the two of them are qps; doesn’t interact much with Sutton but enjoys her company well enough; thoroughly enjoys Tess’ company

SUTTON: doesn’t interact much with Fyfa; gets along with Idina; doesn’t interact much with Ilse but likes her on the basis that Naoka likes her didn’t pay Kal much mind until midway through the Blight, then reached out to Kal (and ultimately saved her life by doing so); hit it off immediately with Naoka, then after a rough patch between Redcliffe and Orzammar the two of them properly got together; good friends with Tess

And that was Still long lmao

The rest will go under a cut!

contact: how does your OC(s) feel about touch/physical contact? are they affectionate? if so, how do they display affection to others?

FYFA doesn’t like contact from people she doesn’t know, but if she knows you and likes you, she will find any reason she can to touch you. You know she likes you if she drapes herself over you like you’re furniture. She’ll call anyone on their bullshit, but when she loves someone, she’ll hug them afterward

IDINA enjoys some casual touch, like handshakes and an arm on the shoulder, even a quick hug if she knows who you are. She isn’t much of a cuddler until she loves you, however, and even then she prefers showing her affection in other ways, most often with words -- sweet nicknames and the like

ILSE finds touch to be too intimate for her liking most of the time, in particular because she’s very slow to trust people. When she and Naoka get together, though, it’s revealed that’s she liked cuddling while asleep. While awake, she’s more likely to share space and silence with someone if she likes them. If she’s smiling in your company, she trusts you; if she’s adjusting her schedule to suit you, she adores you

SUTTON loves contact but she’s very adaptable, and she quickly becomes fluent in the love languages of the people in her life. She loves picking people up to hug them bc she’s tall and buff enough to do so, but her three favourite people don’t like being picked up. It’s very tragic

track & field: which (if any) of your OCs are athletic? what sports to they play? which of your OCs would go HARD in P.E.?

All except for Idina are athletic actually! It isn’t that Dee dislikes physical activity, it’s that she vastly prefers just pain ol’ walking if she’s supposed to move at all

Ilse is the least athletic of the other three per say, but she’s both fit and competitive, and she would love contact sports like rugby. Fyfa likes being athletic for the sake of moving around, and she’s also competitive for the sake of competition; she’d probably genuinely love track and field tbh. Sutton regularly spends time at the gym with her buddies, and absolutely goes hard as hell during competitive sports. She’s mostly here to have fun, but she’s not having fun if she’s not giving it her all

fragrance: what do your OCs smell like?

FYFA has a perpetual herbal smell to her, no matter how long it’s been since she was in the woods. There’s a sharp accent to her scent that could be spice or could be blood. As she gets older, the smell of death clings to her sooner than it clings to the others, overtaking the herbal smell little by little

IDINA smells like petrichor; in the Circle she smelled more like flowers pressed in a book, both the pages and the flowers themselves, but after leaving the Circle she was outside as often as possible. When using combat magic, or while she’s feeling intense emotion, she smells noticeably of ozone for a while

ILSE’s hair requires lots of care, including various oils, to keep it curly and healthy in the dry heat of Orzammar. Most of those oils don’t have much scent since they’re largely nut oils, but one can notice a coconutty smell to Ilse if one is close enough

SUTTON usually smells of salt in one way or another: sea water and sweat are each viable culprits. She frequently smells like dog, too, to the surprise of absolutely no one

poison: vices/bad habits? what are they? how do they affect your OC?

FYFA, in Shay’s on words, will die on any hill she sees. She likes arguing for the sake of arguing; she’s very good at talking for ages about nothing at all, and also good at telling lies, both extravagant and plausible. This got her into all sorts of trouble growing up, which she delighted in

IDINA will do just about anything for sugar. Not only that, but she has a bad habit of making assumptions; this has led to more than one instance of her assuming something that Tess didn’t mean, and Tess hates it when people put words in her mouth, so that ofc went well. She also used to shrink under pressure, and while she’s gotten better at this with time, she still has a tendency to ramble and to restart her sentences when stressed or nervous

ILSE is deeply traditional, and she has a very hard time altering her course when she learns that tradition isn’t the most favourable path to walk. This makes her first six months on the throne strenuous for her and Naoka, who had stayed behind as her second and who had to frequently remind Ilse of their intended goal of rebuilding the society of Orzammar

SUTTON puts into motion nearly every impulse that crosses her mind if it seems like fun, consequences be damned. This has led to more than one painful rash, broken bone, and judging look. Again, though, consequences be damned

photo album: describe one of your OCs’ favorite memories.

FYFA: Eating berries with Tamlen and Merrill behind their shared aravel. Merrill was the only one among them to have vallaslin, despite being more than two years younger than her and nearly three younger than Tamlen; the two of them would be completing their hunters’ trial in a couple of days. But for now, the three of them were children, flicking rotten berries at each other’s faces, carding stained fingers into one another’s hair, tangling their legs together, laughing and carefree

IDINA: Those tentative steps she took on the shore or Lake Calenhad after stepping off the boat she, Tess, and Duncan had been in, before they reached the wild grass and flowers and she laid down among them. Years and years of waiting to be on this side of the lake culminating into this long moment, with her on her back, looking up at the grey sky through squinted, smiling eyes. When her eyes found Tess, she was smiling down at her, one of her rare and soft smiles that Idina had always felt were meant just for her; Idina had never felt so free

ILSE: That two-second-long period between the Assembly acquiescing to her and Tess’ pitch to make her Queen and Bhelen making an attempt on Tess’ life for it. The whole room was alive with sound, as the deshyrs celebrated the end of their indecision and politely (or enthusiastically) welcomed their future Queen; and her new friends were right behind her. For the woman who had spent the better part of the year in various states of Alone, this welcome was long-awaited

SUTTON: Standing with her mother on a cliff on the coast of the Waking Sea, watching huge waves crash into the rock face with such force that, even while standing several feet away from the cliff’s edge, Sutton and Eleanor’s clothing was soaked by the half hour mark. Eleanor did not lose her attachment of the sea after marrying into the land-locked Couslands, and here, watching and listening to the waves, humbled and small and yet at ease, Sutton understood why her mother loved and respected the waves

I really hope u take requests and u like mine, we will see 🙈 so i thought about a business trip to an other country (idc wich country it will be) and Zen being dragged into going with him (maybe the meeting is with a famous actor and bc he has connections jumin thought he could drag him with him) and they are stuck in the elevator for like 3 hours in the hotel and its completely dark. Zen freakes out and jumin will kiss him so he can calm him down :) hope thats good i would like to read it ^^

This is so cute! I loved it so that the drabble became a lot longer than I expected whoops >_> It’s a bit of a feels trip, I hope this comes anywhere close to what you were expecting!

Jumin wasunfortunately well acquainted with elevators refusing to work when he was inthem. Many meetings were held in tall office buildings or hotels, and two outof nine times the devil’s contraption would insist on trapping him in betweentwo floors of its choice. The last time he had spent four hours with theheiress of a perfume industry. Needless to say, he appreciated the smell offresh air after that.

This time, thecompany he was locked up with didn’t bother him. On the contrary, he dared toadmit it was quite pleasant, as he watched Zen fidget with his coat endlessly,staring at the glowing alarm button on top of the speaker, in the hopes someonewould tell them they’d be freed soon.

Zen pushedthe button next to the hotel elevator door once more, receiving once again noreaction.

“Help is notgoing to arrive sooner,” Jumin said.

“Shut up,”Zen grumbled. Jumin sighed.

After anotherterse minute, Zen leaned against the wall with his head, covering his face withhis hands. “God, I hate this.”

“Why areyou so tense?” Jumin didn’t understand. Help would come, no matter what.

The actorcrossed his arms to glare at the ceiling. “I like wide open spaces. I likebeing free to go where I want whenever I want. Being stuck is shit.”

He rememberedZen’s secret spot. The lookout over the vast city of Seoul had indeed beenbreathtaking. Strange, he couldn’t recall how it looked like, only remembering Zen’ssmile in the light of the setting sun.

Thequestion that had been on his mind for a while now finally made its way out. “Whydid you agree to come? The economical heart of Beijing is exactly the oppositeof your preferences.”

Zen shothim a quick glance. “Because you asked and if I said no you will endlessly pesterme about it.”

That madehim raise an eyebrow. “That never stopped you from refusing.” What befell Zento agree to the cat commercial he would never know, but the actor had beendetermined to do it. He insisted on it, even after Jumin offered him an alternative.A matter of pride, the commercial had been. The trip wasn’t similar.

Zen fellquiet, frowning in thought.

Juminstarted to feel nervous. Did Zen agree to the trip because of some misguidedduty towards him? Did the actor think he owed Jumin for helping him out withthe Echo Girl incident?

That didn’tsit well with him at all.

“Once we’refreed, I can arrange for you to take the first flight back to Korea.” He wouldask Assistant Kang to add in a clause in the cat commercial contract that Zencan drop it at any moment’s notice.

Zen stoppedleaning against the wall, giving him a confused look. “What are you going onabout?”

“There’s noneed to return the favor, handling Echo Girl helped the entire RFA as well.”

Redeyes widened as Zen bristled at the words said. “Listen Jerkmin, I want to dothis. It’s hard to believe, I know – even I don’t believe it sometimes – but I’mnot doing it because I think I owe you. I’m already mentally preparing myselffor the cat commercial.” He acted like he had to sneeze at the mention of theword cat, though Jumin knew now it was mostly dramatics.

“So why?” Jumin pushed. He really needed toknow.

“Because! Because,eh…” Zen stammered, suddenly fascinated by a loose carpet thread next to his shoe.“Because.”

“Because?”

Zen avoidedhis gaze on purpose. “Never mind, it doesn’t matter.”

“Zen, tellme.” He nearly yelled. He was going to jump out of his skin if Zen kept avoidingthe question.

Half a minutepassed, before the actor groaned in frustration and finally looked back up athim. “Because… of you.”

Jumin’sheart skipped a beat.

“I reallyappreciated you finding me and giving me courage again,” Zen continued. “Thisisn’t about repaying a favor, or about doing things for someone who helped mein my darkest time. It’s about spending time with… a friend. Sort of.”

Somethingabout the way Zen said it struck Jumin as odd. It felt like Zen himself wasn’tsure why he was doing this. “Did I really help you that much?”

That loosethread was once again the focus of Zen’s attention.

Jumin wasabout to press on, when the sound of something buzzing caused the lights toflicker. The buzzing abruptly ended, and all became dark. It was startling how Jumincouldn’t even see his own hand anymore, holding tightly to the metal railing onthe elevator wall.

“Shit!Jumin!” Zen called out, tone pitched higher than normal.

“I’m stillhere.” Keeping his hand on the railing, he moved towards Zen’s location. Hisarm got abruptly grabbed and it took all Jumin’s willpower to push down hisdefensive instincts, letting warm hands grasp his sleeve tight.

Were itanyone else, Jumin would have kindly requested that they release him. Now he stoppedhimself from getting any closer, whether it was to comfort Zen or himself he wasn’t sure.

“There’s noneed to worry. I’m sure this affects the whole building; someone must beworking on it.”

“Yes, Iknow damn it!” Zen swore.

His eyesslowly adjusted, allowing him to see a little. Zen’s hair formed a glowingsilhouette, a lone source of light surrounded by never-ending darkness. Itreminded him of his Elizabeth when he would wake early on a cold winter morning,her beautiful form lying next to his pillow. He fought down the urge to run hishand through the white locks.

“I feellike a teenager again, when my gang locked me in the bar bathroom and turnedoff the lights to haze me,” Zen laughed, an attempt to sound brave but hisvoice wavered. “I was supposed to free myself, but I couldn’t figure out how; Ithought I was going to die there, in the darkness.”

Jumin madea mental note to look up Zen’s old gang members and have them all arrested.

“It was thebartender who rescued me, because she forgot her keys and heard me calling forhelp,” Zen continued. “I was so ashamed, I didn’t tell the gang. The bartenderdid offer me a kiss to make me feel better, which was cute.”

It hit Juminthat Zen was sharing something this intimate because he was trying to distracthimself. A daring question floated to the top of his mind and left his mouth beforehe could stop. “Do you want me to kiss you to make you feel better?”

“D-dude!”Zen sputtered. The fingers around his sleeve tightened a tiny bit, but he feltit.

It wasn’t arefusal. Just like when Jumin asked if Zen had any feelings for him, and Zen avoidedthat as well.

“…Do you?” heasked again, throat tightening from the heavy implication of what he wasasking. What he was implying. Thiswasn’t a joke anymore.

White hair shifted,and Zen’s pale face came into view, the white of his eyes standing out. Theyreally didn’t differ that much in height, Jumin randomly thought. He would havegiven anything to see properly see the expression on the actor’s face.

There wasonly silence, disrupted by the loud pounding of his heart and their unevenbreathing. Jumin wondered if he should apologize, when he felt warm breathtickle his skin. White hair moved closer, eyes blurred from their shortdistance.

“Zen-“ Juminstarted, and stopped himself. He wanted to ask the question again, but found himselfleaning forward. Smooth lips ghosted over his own chapped ones and he knew. Heknew he was crossing a line.

But Zen didn’tpull away. The gap was so easily closed.

He neverunderstood how a kiss could be romantic. Two people mashing their mouthstogether couldn’t be satisfying. It made his father’s constant skirt-chasingeven more ridiculous.

But Zen’s lipswere soft, yet pushed back hard with a need that brought their faces closer. Warm,so warm that he wanted to feel them forever. All thoughts left his mind,allowing him to focus on this feeling alone.

That’s whenall the lights turned back on.

The suddenlight was blinding, forcing Zen to pull away with a hiss and Jumin too had toclose his eyes, spots dancing in his vision.

“Our mostsincere apologies for the wait,” A tin voice spoke out in Chinese through thespeakers. “The elevator will start in a moment’s notice.”

As ifmagically timed, the elevator started to rumble and moved up towards theirdestination. Zen let go of his arm, leaving Jumin feel oddly empty.

Theelevator dinged after it passed every floor. Jumin watched Zen in the corner ofhis eyes, who didn’t say anything either.

“We have room17 and 18, which room would you prefer?” Jumin asked, trying to get back ontrack when his mind raced all over the place.

“Yes.”

Zen’sunusual answer had him turning his head. Zen’s face was bright pink, and he gingerlytraced his bottom lip. It stirred something primal within him.

“Yourearlier question. Yes. I do want…” Zen blushed even deeper, not finishing hissentence, his gaze fixated on Jumin.

Jumin’sfeet had a will of their own.

In a fewseconds, they would have to apologize to the couple who saw them when the doorsopened on their destined floor.

Could you make a post with tips for writing paul or john?? like common mistakes you see in fics or something like that, you write them so well I thought it could be helpful.. ..

omg thank you so much!! this is kind of difficult to answer since i don’t follow a specific formula when i write them, and there really is no right or wrong way, but here are a few things i try to keep in mind:

syntax - this is probably the most important imo. i feel like having a firm grasp on their individual voices and how they form sentences (as well as little language quirks they might have, such as paul’s overuse of “y’know”) can make up for situations that might ordinarily be ooc. writing soft, romantic scenes between them, for instance, can be difficult because we’ve never actually seen that between them; we’re just writing about how we think they’d treat each other in private. so even if we don’t know what they’d actually do, if they sound right, it can make the scene believable. if i haven’t written them in a while, or if i get stuck with the feeling that they just don’t sound right anymore, i usually spend a few minutes watching interviews so i can really get their voices in my head. it makes a big difference! 

personality - i know this seems completely obvious, but it’s something that seems to be overlooked pretty frequently in beginner fics. i feel like it might be because we’re not dealing with fictional characters here; john and paul’s personalities can’t really be boiled down to one simplistic character trait. john isn’t the big angry meanie who just acts that way for the sake of doing so, and paul isn’t a delicate pansy who cries at the drop of a hat. and this just comes down to knowing them as best you can, and putting thought into why they behave the way they do. john’s anger and aggressiveness are oftentimes masking a deeper emotion, one that makes him feel vulnerable, so he’s overcompensating. there are a lot of firsthand accounts of how kind and sweet he is, so for him to just be an asshole in a fic for no apparent reason is something that can really turn me off of the fic as a whole. a lot of this is subjective and there’s no “right” way to do it, and i don’t mean to suggest that my way is the best way because it’s certainly not, but i tend to make him lash out more and be hurtful to those around him when he’s hurt himself. if he’s being mean in one of my fics, it’s an indication that he’s been hurt. and rather than talking through it or allowing himself to be openly upset, it’s easier for him to put on his tough mask. if you hurt him, then he’s going to make sure he hurts you more, that way he can feel like he still came out on top. the more he lashes out, the more he’s hurting. that doesn’t mean he won’t make a cruel joke here and there, even when he’s not hurting, but the intent changes; he’s trying to be funny, even if people don’t take it well. it’s not as easy to discuss paul, because i’m not entirely sure why people write him as weepy and delicate..? because he has nice eyelashes..? i mean, come on. a lot of the time it feels like john is written as stereotypical ultra masculine, so people automatically want to write paul as the opposite, in order to make him “the girl.” and like… don’t do that lol. paul has stated himself that he could be as vicious as john, and just a single viewing of the let it be film makes the strong, controlling aspects of his personality really obvious. he may have some flamboyant body language, and there’s nothing wrong with discussing that or describing it in your fic, but it’s also important not to reduce him to that. he can be tough, controlling, manipulative; he can make cruel jokes; he’s diplomatic and tries to keep the peace. to me (and again, this is just my interpretation), it seems like he has a very firm handle on his emotions. while john lashes out when he’s hurt, paul seems to close himself off, which can make him come across as almost cold. john has made him cry irl, yes, and there’s nothing wrong with making him (or john, or anyone) cry, but an average disagreement in the studio isn’t going to make paul burst into tears bc john didn’t like his lyrics or something. it’s just about finding that balance. what’s paul’s breaking point? what’s john’s? these are things that are helpful to have in mind before you start writing an emotional exchange. 

their friendship - again, this seems obvious, but hear me out. aside from aus and 1957 fics, john and paul were extremely close. even pre-fame, back in liverpool, they quickly formed an exclusive friendship and developed this innate, personal understanding of each other. even if there’s some dispute about how far their relationship went, everyone from music historians to their personal friends to casual fans can agree that there was something special and powerful about their friendship. so, with that in mind, minor disagreements or an offhand comment don’t really seem like things that can form a major rift between them. miscommunication is definitely like, the #1 conflict in a lot of fics, and that’s totally fine, but at the end of the day, john and paul understand each other. if john lashes out, paul knows he’s hurting. this isn’t a secret to him. it’s something he’s picked up on and he knows john’s anger is a mask. similarly, john is familiar with paul’s emotional responses; if he actually pushed him far enough to make him cry, i think he’d be fully aware that he crossed a line and that he needs to make up for it, rather than just letting it blow over. so, for me, no matter what else is going on in the fic (whether they’re transitioning to a romantic relationship, or something else) they’ll still have this intimate knowledge of each other. that’s not going to suddenly disappear. it seems unlikely that john will lash out and for paul to think “omg why would he say that to me?? he must hate me.” the actual words john uses might hurt, and paul might be upset that john chose to go after one of his vulnerabilities, but he’d know exactly why. paul writing ‘dear friend’ in response to ‘how do you sleep’ is a great example of this. john said horrible things, things he never should have said, and paul was understandably hurt by those things, but ultimately he understood where those words came from. it was deeper than that. john was hurting, and paul chose to reach out in a soothing, peaceful way, rather than hurting him more. he knew that wouldn’t do any good, because he knows john. john doesn’t want to be vulnerable, so paul made himself vulnerable instead. (paul loves him so much??? fml) i don’t know if i’m explaining this well or not, but imo it would take a lot for their disagreements and arguments to become catastrophic simply because they understand each other so well. john calling paul’s hair ugly isn’t going to ruin their relationship and set off a melodramatic chain of events lol. 

that’s all i can think of for now? i feel like most “mistakes” boil down to these three things. 

and again, this is just my approach to writing them. other people will have other opinions, and that’s fine! this is just what works for me. i really hope you find helpful!! 

I don't understand. Why SNS is not a romantic pairing? Please explain it to me. How can't this two be in love if they have more development than the actual "canon" ones. And we are going to leave this clear here. Development IS development. There is nothing as romantic development or friendship development. A relationship is based on many things, sorrow, fights, problems, friendship, trust, empathy and bonds. You can't love someone if you don't know them. Their good and bad things. What Sasu/Saku or Naru/Hina has that SNS doesn't? You can't said that their relationship wasn't romantic bc of them being brothers because they are not. →"Sasuke and I aren't really siblings." "We aren't Idra or Ashura." "We are great [FRIENDS]." They don't have any kind of familiar relationship for you to said that they are brothers. So the incest thing is wrong. Even when Naruto said that he was more of a brother for Sasuke than Itachi he ALSO was the one who denied it two times on the war. This doesn't have sense. Interactions: They have the largest amount of interaction in all the anime and manga, nor Sakura has that with Sasuke and obviously not Hinata. Sasuke always treat Sakura as a friend. All his time with them as kids. Why I should see as romantic when he protected her or saved her if he did that with Naruto too and when he had to choose between them he choose Naruto and not Sakura? She blushing and having a crush on him? How is that important for him? Yes she has a crush, but he never felt the same, he never said he felt the same. In fact he rejected her in a very honest way. And we need TWO persons for a relationship. What Sasuke did as "romantic" with her or for her? He protected her? He did with Naruto and he choose him before her. ✔ He complain her? Sasuke did it with Naruto too but in a very different way, he was envy of him so he wasn't going to said "omg how amazing are you Naruto." But he did accepted his strength as kid and as a teenager he honestly said how he felt. ✔ She had a effect on him pre time? Yes. As Naruto with almost everything he did or said, it could make him get angry, sad, annoying and more. As in the war where everyone could feel Naruto's feelings, Sasuke did it too and he needed to kill him because of that. In fact, they never name that feeling. ✔ Now, what SNS has that SS doesn't ? Is Sakura's bond with Sasuke as strong as his with Naruto? No. ✘ Does he trust her as he trust Naruto? No. ✘ She was as important for him as Naruto? No. ✘ Does she understood him as Naruto, does she knows him as Naruto? No. She never truly understood him, Sakura was always thinking just about herself. ✘ Does he needed her dead to be finally alone? No. ✘ Her feelings affect him? No. ✘ Is she his soul mate (literally moon and sun) ? No. ✘ She saved him? No. ✘ SasuSaku has -as SS fan would say - interactions as kids. SNS too, Sakura confessing is not a SS moment because Sasuke rejected her, he said Thank You for her feelings and for all the time together but he didn't felt the same. He repeat it but a little more obvious on the war, he didn't have reasons to love her. Attraction : Remember your accidental kiss with your best friend when you're about to die is not romantic, or get 1inch close to his face while looking him his eyes. Naruto's "Sasuke looks better... " is not accepting the beauty of someone else and getting shy for it. Or Sasuke's blushing on the Gakuen manga because of their kiss is nothing too? Show me a panel of Sasuke blushing because of Sakura or remember intimate moments with her as their kiss. Being attracted to her or admiring her? They have that? No. ✘ Empathy : The only one who could actually understand him was Naruto. And vice versa, they both knew how painful was the lack of a family, Sasuke defended him of Sakura's immature talk about how lucky he was for not having a family. Sasuke said how he remember him of his family. Both of them since kids watched over the other and that is something that Sasuke himself said. He even said that his feelings for him were a weakness. "We were kids lonely and starving for love, but allowed only hatred.  We knew the same pain, but as friends, we changed paths.  Even more, I chose the path of isolation.  Bonds created heated feelings and in that time, shining like a flash, my own weakness was exposed in broad daylight. " → Sasuke in Shiden. I'm sorry but I can't find something like that on SS obviously not in NH. Trush, friendship, problems, fights: All. "My first bond and one and ONLY best friend." Naruto begging for Sasuke's life, even trusting him and having faith on him after all the time and things that he knew Sasuke did. Their fights all were full of feelings, Sasuke could had killed him on their last fight as kids, he couldn't. He could the first time they meet post time and he first, talked to him, knew there were 3 ninjas around him and he reach for his katana slowly. He could on their last fight as teenager when Naruto was weak on the floor, he didn't. However their fights had a lot of moments in where the two of them could die, Sasuke did tried to kill him for real a few times. The fact that he needed him dead to finally be alone and for completely cold and without emotions is something that SS doesn't have. Nor NH. At the end they finally could fix that. Sasuke lost, he lost because he couldn't fight with Naruto as a whole. He knew it. "I stood in the way of my sole friend. A shinobi who knew the same pain. An honest and straightforward ninja who did not bend the truth. On countless occasions, I tried to shake off that destiny. And yet, without giving up and without abandoning me, in the face of inevitable death, he held out his hand. I tried to sever our bond, the sole existence of which led me from my loneliness. I was defeated. We planned to settle our disputes, and chose the Valley of the End. We saw the radiant morning sun and shared the feeling of pain in our chests, and I recall hot tears running down our cheeks. I will never in my life forget this." -Sasuke. Shiden. He finally talked about all his feelings and how unique his bond with him was on the actual manga. We have a deep development here. Bonds, how important is Naruto for Sasuke and vice versa? Naruto and Sasuke are soul mates, you can see it as you want, as romantic soul mates as platonic soul mates. It doesn't matter, Sasuke doesn't have a development as strong with anyone else but Naruto, and we are talking that he is his weakness, his most important bond and the person who saved him. He actually adores him as Naruto for him, Sasuke was his emotional support while kid, he share his most depressing moments with him and he was the first friend he ever had, he is his most important bond. If you read all the things that he said about him, how is that not a reason to ship them? Why SS fans use all these moments on their pairing if SNS is just a platonic thing and they never had a chance? Does Sasuke ever said something as this to Sakura? "Naruto had his own world. I desired its existence. It was similar to the warmth formerly given to me by my family.  In this world, I was allowed to actually feel its existence, the connection of family; of love.  Revenge supported my heart, while simultaneously destroying it.  Hatred, like poison circulating the body, kills human feeling.  Like that, it lit the flames of my heart." Does Naruto ever had begged for Hinata's life, or is she any of the questions above for Naruto? No. ✘ They are unique. SS and NH can be canon now. But people saying that SNS can't be a romantic ship is ignorant and hypocrite af even more when they use the same canon moments for their pairing. How being the soul mate, first bond, one and only friend, weakness, bowl of feelings, saviour, goal and reason to change and return to a place you hate is nothing? If is nothing, then please don't use it in any of your couples head canon. SNS can be romantic. It doesn't matter if they are both boys. In fact, some people denied that it is for the simple fact that is the only couple that has 10000% of more development than EVERY canon one. And they hate it.

Can you make a couples post about Kevin and thea please make it up as you go along if you have to, please. I love your writing and ideas.

thank you lovely, i’ll try my best bc they’re so good

SEND ME A SHIP AND I’LL TELL YOU…

who is more likely to hurt the other?

I think kevin is an ~idiot and he’d probably say something thoughtless about Thea’s form 

I also think that he canonically abandoned her without a single fucking word when he left the ravens and that a lot of her anger after that comes from hurt

I think they’re both pretty damaged and susceptible to hurt tbh, but kevin doesn’t seem to understand when he’s hurting people

who is emotionally stronger?

proooooobs thea I mean. she braved the nest and came out the other side with her head on straight. she did not for a second let kevin fuckin day get to her. she’s still soft on the inside, and exy’s become kind of a coping mechanism in a lot of ways, but she’s less obviously fucked up by the moriyamas then kevin is (simply bc she was less important to them yikes)

who is physically stronger?

THEA BOYYYYY this isn’t even up for debate!!!!! neil describes her as being built like a tank, she’s an unstoppable fucking powerhouse on the court, we’re talking serena williams’ body type, just like.. immovable and gorgeous. kevin is so shaken he’s in love w her muscles..... he wants to be knocked to the fucking floor by her....... she fires a ball into his helmet so hard that it cracks and he pops a boner

who is more likely to break a bone? 

hilarious im gonna say the boy w the infamously broken hand 

who knows best what to say to upset the other? 

good question I have no fucking clue they can both be dicks if the situation calls for it

I’m going to say that thea knows what to say to give kevin mad cold shoulder and she can smoke him out in a SECOND if he’s being a dick like she knows when to ignore him and when to back him into a corner

but kevin tends to be unnecessarily rude more often. he’s mean bc he knows that it gets results. thea does not tolerate him bringing this attitude home w him

who is most likely to apologize first after an argument? 

neither? bitch?? if both of them believe they’re right there are gonna be exactly zero (0) sorry’s

I do think they’re probably softer w each other when they’re one on one and I’d be willing to bet that their arguments end with kevin explaining things to death and thea listening and narrowing her eyes a lot and holding the front of his shirt bc she’s mad but she still wants contact and they kiss and make up w out actually ever saying the words

who treats who’s wounds more often? 

I think in the nest you’ve gotta take care of each other, so they both learn to sit the other down and hold gentle hands to the injured person’s sternum to keep them down, and they sit and wrap gauze. it’s v intimate. they probably did it for the first time when thea was playing for the ravens and kevin had yet to debut on the raven line, and there was enough of an age difference between them that it was pretty innocent. thea was overworked and hit for her trouble and kevin came up bc he was terribly impressed by her and a little bit in love and he dabbed at her cuts like the clumsy 17 year old that he was

who is in constant need of comfort? 

it’s mutual bc their pasts are mutual, but I’m willing to bet that it’s kevin who wakes up sweating and crying, & thea knows how to give enough distance and turn on the lights so he remembers where he’s not. He was in shackles for longer. he still kinda hates himself sometimes. thea strokes the chess piece on his cheek and tells him that he checked riko straight to hell

who gets more jealous? 

shit man idk?? neither of them really have room for anything in their lives other than exy and each other (and reluctant connection w teammates/family) so there’s not a lot of jealousy fodder. and they’re never gonna be jealous of the other person caring more about exy than them bc like. that’s understood. if I had to guess I might say thea’s jealous of the world falling all over themselves to get a glimpse at Kevin Day you know

who’s most likely to walk out on the other? 

I hate to say either bc they’re a really good match and I feel like they’d bounce back really easily, but it’s possible that they fade away from each other when they’re getting their footing on their respective teams. thea can feel herself getting distracted and she pulls out. kevin shows up like???? >:( and they make up on the spot

who will propose? 

probably kevin bc he does the math and realizes that thea is the best thing that’s ever happened to him in his LIFE. he’s probably 10 shots of vodka deep and he looks up suddenly like :O wait a second she’s perfect??? how do I keep her? and nicky has to be like dude.. have u heard of marriage..... it’s nifty and it’s been legal for you straight people for a bajillion years

who has the most difficult parents?

i know literally nothing about thea’s parents but considering jean’s family was a shitty mess that got caught up in the moriyamas I’m assuming most or all of the ravens are in similar situations?? they play for.... the mafia.....

so unless they’re saints, they’re definitely not better than david wymack can I get an amen

who initiates hand-holding when they’re out in public? 

im trying to picture them holding hands........ I think they would in a like... come here! hurry ur ass up! kind of way like thea spends all her time dragging kevin’s oblivious ass around

who comes up for the other all the time? 

considering neither of them mentioned each other or their relationship for like two books........ idk

i bet you in an easier world it would be kevin though. (my gf is beautiful and strong. she could obliterate u w one swing of her racquet. she wears pretty pastels on her face. i want to kiss her)

who hogs the blankets? 

don’t tell but kevin’s obsessed w feeling coddled and warm and I’m willing to bet that he hogs both the blankets and the woman until thea is also bundled up. i hope they learn to cuddle. I bet they’re rlly bad at it at first but it gets easier and more constant over time

who gets more sad? 

again like. I know v little about thea’s background but if she’s in the nest she’s in deep shit. the both of them were assets that had their lives manipulated out of their own hands. kevin’s wound is open and thea’s is poorly sewn up and neither of them are doctors tbh it takes time and professional help until thea can take her old jersey number off of her necklace and replace it with a chess piece pendant (3 guesses which one)

who is better at cheering the other up? 

they’re reeeally bad at this tbh both of them are like ‘uhhhh... don’t cry.. please..rlly.. stop’ spoilers it’s bc they’ve never been properly comforted themselves :))))

BUT as time goes on kevin starts clumsily recreating things the foxes have said to him and it’s really sweet, and thea can be v mellow when they’re alone together, so she’ll take his bad hand and massage the tension out of it, and smooth his hair back and tell him what an idiot he’s being but like.. fondly

who’s the one that playfully slaps the other all the time after they make silly jokes?

nope

who is more streetwise?

I still know nothing about thea but I’m willing to bet that it’s her bc she’s been out in the world for longer?? idk where she was before evermore but she’s already building a life for herself after it when we meet her. kevin’s fresh out of it. he’s messed up but he was messed up indoors under lock and key. all he has now is a little experience from columbia and from watching andrew

who is more wise?

tough to say? I get the feeling that thea knows better than kevin? idky she just..... knows

he’s oblivious at best tbh he knows obscure facts and exy exy exy. thea does too but she also has that practicality and survival baked into her. she seems sharp to me

who’s the shyest? 

not really shy so much as unwilling to show mmmmm anything about themselves until they’re in deep. Thea comes in and orders neil out of the room the first time she meets him ! like she has every right to be pissed but she doesn’t seem stressed that she’ll be disobeyed or come across as rude. I think she’s familiar with being listened to. kev has that sickly media personality and a seven layer cake of repression underneath that so..

pick ur poison. they’re both mostly bravado anyway

who boasts about the other more? 

again, in a perfect world, kevin’s bragging about thea

but as is thea gets all these questions about kevin in interviews and she’s like “hi we’re here to talk about me” but if they ask the right question she’ll get this sly smile and drop them some subliminal messaging type hints about their relationship and move on

kevin’s more sputtery and obvious about thea. she’s his weakness

who sits on who’s lap?

I bet it’s both bc kevin’s obsessed w thea’s thighs on either side of his lap & her weight on top of him and thea likes how pliant and focused kevin gets when he’s looking down at her

fuck this is long...tldr i’ve been lame but getting better

the last post is brought to you by me getting into the magnus archives for some positive ace rep

then having the absolute and overwhelming focus of the fandom be focused on that character’s romantic relationship

then the people who ignore or gloss over the fact that jon is ace or make him have sex anyway to make martin happy????  which just like fucks me up a bit

(esp bc exact quote, “jon...doesn’t” really disputes the idea that he would have sex with martin)

(also much more minor but it bugs me to see people in the fandom refer to jon and martin together as gay.  jon is biro ace, i think gay is not particularly accurate.  and gayness is excellent!  don’t get me wrong.  but that’s just not accurate to what jon is.  and it would not at all bother me if there were equal amounts of “aww look at them they’re so asexual together!”  and that description probably feels weird and wrong.  but it’s just as correct as saying “they’re so gay and cute!” or whatever i keep seeing people say about it!  it is just as accurate to call their relationship ace as it is to call it gay!  and not wanting to acknowledge or even consider that is really telling in what it reveals about how non-aces feel about asexuality.  it just builds to a picture of ‘we want our own representation and we will discard or ignore the ‘uglier’ bits of one of the ship character’s identity because asexuality is foreign to me/irrelevant/unnatural/weird/something i don’t fully understand and am afraid to/uninteresting.’  and i very much want to sympathize with the former (again, the whole reason i got into the magnus archives) and very much want to kill the latter with fire. this is also relevant to me in that about a year ago, i started thinking a lot about how as an aro ace, being told i had straight passing privilege, and the fact that i am not out (but would not lie and call myself straight) and just generally allow people to assume whatever they want about me when it comes to my orientation, whether that’s gay, straight, bi, ace, whatever, (and also having had mostly straight friends for the couple of years before that when it had very much been the opposite prior to that (and that does make a difference, to me at least),)  had resulted in me very much creating this narrative of being ‘effectively straight.’  not at all in the sense that ‘yes i’m basically straight and i feel mostly straight’ but in that i felt like ace-ness and aro-ness, if i wasn’t going to be out about it (which i’m not but which i may end up changing down the line), was not something i was allowed to consider as separate and distinct and special and important about myself?  because society would not like to think about aros/aces.  what society wants is to send the message that “not having sex is not important.  not having sex is not normal and makes you a loser.  not feeling romantic attraction is shameful and unnatural.  not feeling romantic attraction is something that makes you a monster.  do not talk about your disinterest in these things, it is at once completely unimportant/irrelevant and for our comfort and to allow you to conform socially you should not talk about it AND it is disgusting and freakish and makes you broken.”  so.  it is somehow unimportant AND deeply disturbing at the same time.  anyway, for me this resulted in feeling that my aro ace-ness was unremarkable and i should not consider it something exceptional about me, and i should just settle into viewing myself as close to the default.  and maybe you would think i am part of the default, as a first impression, and that’s fine.  but i realized i didn’t want to think of myself that way.  even if people will insist it is this way, asexual =/= straight.  i get to, and i want to, think of asexuality as its own distinct thing, and it does not have to fit into the paradigm of gay vs straight because it cannot fit into that paradigm.  i had refused to give myself the space to think of it as special because no one was telling me it was special.  and not being out definitely had a huge effect on this.  but it is just factually untrue to view myself as unremarkable for being asexual and as ‘effectively straight’ because it’s wrong!  it’s just wrong!  and if i am firmly of the belief that i am not straight, i must be equally firmly of the belief that i am not gay.  there is no judgment involved in either of those statements, but i must respect myself and my identity enough to firmly believe it is its own identity, and worthy of being considered that way, and not merely framed in which ways it relates the false dichotomy of gay and straight.  meaning, i cannot frame my asexuality as “not quite gay but not quite straight” but as its own entity: i have my own distinct orientation and it is aromantic asexual and i do not experience attraction.  full-stop.”  which may seem basic (and may seem like a very minute difference) but it was an important step for me in my identity.  i don’t think i’m quite explaining it right.  i will say: whether they realize it consciously or not, i think a lot of people think of sexuality by how much you deviate from the norm.  the norm is straight.  the most extreme not-norm (by, again, the false dichotomy that has been set up) is gay.  how different you are from the norm will probably determine how important your sexuality is to you because non-normative sexualities are oppressed and the fight to be allowed to feel you are worthy of respect means your sexuality feels and is highly personal.  and, this would be a measure of how gay you are.  before my perspective shift, i felt very little about my sexuality (other than mostly dread at dying alone.  which i still feel!).  therefore, i was not very different from the norm, and my sexuality was not worthy of consideration.  it was not allowed to be very important to me, especially if i was not going to be very out.  BUT!  this is not a good perspective!  again, false! dichotomy!  there is no reason to view yourself on a sliding scale of gay and straight!  i am Neither!  and it is for this reason that i feel very strongly that gay is not the right way to describe jon!  it can be, and if it feels right to him then that is a fine and excellent way to identify!  but his identity is asexual and, by necessity, he is not gay.  just as he is not straight.  which is okay and allowed.  and by many people choosing exclusively to refer to jon and martin as gay, while extremely understandable, feels like a failure to understand the above.  allo identities do not hold precedence over aspec identities because aspec identities are worthy of their own consideration, not just as something “missing” and inherently lower priority to allo identities.  and calling the relationship gay exclusively, feels like they kind of believe that.  and any reluctance to call their relationship ace (which i think MOST people would find very strange and weird and uncomfortable) is a lack of education and understanding on what asexuality looks like, the kinds of relationships asexuals have.  asexuals are not some remote, gross thing that cannot be understood and must be ignored, we are people and we are here.  if you haven’t noticed, our entire online presence is BUILT around education and visibility.  these are things you can find out and understand very quickly.  and hopefully people will not view asexuality as something weird and shameful and something that should just be ignored. holy shit that was a long aside.)

and the post was precipitated by seeing fanart of a very romantically intimate moment and not being at all interested in that for myself.  i really want to be close to someone (/some people which is too much to hope for) but just so emphatically not in that way.  just...a lot of clarity in what i want?  because i am sometimes so miserable for being aro specifically that i wonder if my identifying this way is wrong and unhealthy, whether it’s worse to consider myself aro and causing more problems than it’s solving.  sometimes i wonder if i was too quick to dismiss romance and all my self-discovery and self-reliance has been for nothing?  maybe being miserable about amatonormativity has just been because i’m alloro but just miserable and self-hating and trying to ruin the fun for everyone and the problem is not that romance has been artificially elevated but just that i have deep-seated issues with romance?

anyway it was more of a relief than anything to have my aro-ness confirmed by my gut reaction.  um, i still think i need to let go of some of my bitterness about amatonormativity, only because it’s not serving me to be my happiest self (not because it’s not bullshit), but it’s not because i’m unconsciously not aro. 

here’s what i think i want for myself:

like i said above, letting go of some of my anger at romance and at amatonormativity in general.  there’s definitely a place for that in me, but people talking about romance should not make me miserable like it’s starting to do.  in a lot of ways this comes from me being jealous and bitter about not having this supposedly wonderful, normal, natural experience, and not being confident in it being okay- great, even!- to be aro and not experience that.  i want to become more neutral about romance, since it is equally okay to not experience that.  my existence and validity is not threatened by other people having romantic relationships.  it’s okay for that to be an important thing for them, and (/because) it’s equally okay for it NOT to be important to me.

sorta referenced in my point above, but i want to rely less on other people to make me valid.  it doesn’t matter how anyone else feels, i am the way i am.  i want to be much more confident in that for myself.  i can’t progress and build a better relationship with myself if i don’t trust my own experience and emotions over what other people would tell me is true about myself (or how the rest of the world works). 

i know this is kinda what got me feeling not great in the first place, but i want to find more ace/aro rep for myself.  potentially this could make things worse (in the way i mentioned above; relying on that representation to really speak to my experience and finding that it does not, and that fandom in particular is very caught up the romance- and just generally allo- side of things).  but i am hoping/relying on the possibility that increasing ace/aro rep will give me way more options and a higher chance that i will have my own experience reflected.  i want to start listening to the penumbra podcast, since i’ve heard there are at least two aspec characters, one of whom is even aro ace! side note, thinking about it a bit: the first ace rep i had was a few months ago, when i watched bojack horseman and saw todd’s story.  i think i was a bit spoiled in that rep.  todd’s story was really focused on his own self-discovery.  he was alloro and wanted a relationship, but in my mind he didn’t care so much about getting that.  even when he was in a relationship, he still got to be cool and have his own adventures.  having a romantic relationship was secondary to his story and, you got the sense, secondary to him as a person.  and, his asexuality was very important to him once he realized he was ace.  he was very open about it to people, not ashamed, and he did have a journey with his sexuality that the audience was brought along.  that is everything i want in an ace character!!!  then i got into the magnus archives, expecting to have a similar experience.  instead, we find out jon is ace because we as the audience hear him being outed without his knowledge between his friends, based on information from his ex (again, presumably without his knowledge).  and word of god says "although whether that’s how the archivist himself would actively identify, who knows?”  also a very different take on ace rep than bojack horseman.  and i love jon and martin as a couple, but i have just been really overwhelmed with how much of that is the focus of the fandom (plus my normal/main fandom is hockey and that can be VERY platonic.  i can make it as platonic as it gets).  those are two different ways of being asexual, and they are both valid!  they probably each ring true for many.  from my perspective i prefer the bojack approach because i feel more affirmed by todd’s rep than by jon’s, but that doesn’t make todd more accurate representation.  i guess the moral of the story is, not all ace rep is the same, and don’t get invested in seeing yourself (or the kind of rep you want) in every ace story.  and my solution is to broaden my ace rep rather than only have a few and ultimately not be happy with it.  (also i want to be very clear that the importance of ace rep is something that is built up entirely in my mind.  jonny said they always considered jon to be asexual from s1, way before he was revealed to be in the show.  they were not going for ace rep, they just felt asexuality fit his character best.  it is me (and others like me probably) who came to this story knowing this and placing expectations and stakes onto this character as The One Who Represents Us.  i relate waaaay more to martin (as we all do i’m sure) but because my other options are so! very! limited! when it comes to asexuality i put all my emotions and expectations and self-worth on how this one character could represent my entire experience.  which has nothing to do with the creators of the show, who are just telling the story they want to tell.  so they can’t give “bad ace rep” because there are so many ace stories to tell and it’s not their fault or their problem that options are so limited that we end up building up any character that is ace into the one who represents all ace experiences.  my fault, not theirs, is what i’m saying.)

probably obvious after my word-vomit but cut back on actively seeking out magnus archives fandom/content!!!!  it does not make me feel better about myself.  romantic relationships do NOT make you more worthy.

just generally being more positive and affirming about being aro ace (and being aro in particular!)  it is excellent and there are so many good things about being this way!  i would like to focus on those more for myself :)

holy shit i wrote a lot.  i had a lot of feelings that i wanted to get out.

may 25th (i think)

i have decided to keep a digital journal, since it is pretty clear that my parents have absolutely no understanding of personal boundaries and would read my diary before i even finished my first entry. next year, i hope to start a paper journal at columbia. i want to keep records of the peaks and low points of my life, and this year has been tumultuous. today was the induction ceremony. it was boring, trivial, but i loved speaking. and a few people even laughed at my joke, and everyone laughed when i lit the candle and it accidentally blew out, including me. it’s nice to feel like i’m a part of something, even if nhs was a massive failure ahaha. the director is one of the laziest people i have ever had the displeasure of working with. afterwards, i stood with matt and jake. at some point, i have half loved both of them. matt is nice to hug, easy. soft. non-threatening. natural. although i honestly think he’s not straight, bc he’s made jokes about being gay. and speaking from experience, you only do that when you’re actually gay lmao. speaking of love, aj and i still aren’t on great terms. he’s a horrible person. annoying. he makes me frown. he’s conservative for gods sake. i hate how he kissed me four times. i felt violated. you don’t kiss your friend, especially when she’s too drunk to consent. i will record the events exactly for posterity: in early may, i was waking around aj’s block, drunk, when he stopped and hugged me, hard. he pressed me against him entirely, like he wanted to merge with me, like he wanted every inch of our skin to touch. it was intimate. i enjoyed it. i let it happen. he said he wanted to kiss me. i don’t remember exactly what i said, but i gave a vague protest, and he brushed his lips against mine, soft, barely touching, and then he kissed me. i pulled back first, and said it was a mistake. the regret was immediate. he walked a few more steps before kissing me again. and i said it was a mistake again, clear as day, and asked to forget about it even then. but, when we were beside his house, he said i was small, my favorite comment, and said my ass was nice, my favorite compliment, before pressing me against the wall and kissing me hard. i’d never been kissed that way. it was interesting. i was interested. not interested in him. i pushed him off and said i wasn’t looking to date anyone. he said he wasn’t either. i was disgusted- he wanted to use me for my body. it was horrible. david walked me home, and thought about how this would effect him. aj kissed me again next week, after i was so wasted i was sitting on his lap and sucking his finger, half asleep. he asked “are we going to do this or not?” i played oblivious. “do what?” he replied, “you know you want this” before kissing me. for half a second i kissed him back. then i pulled away, saying “no. i don’t want this.” those were the creepiest, rape-y words i have ever heard. i didn’t tell anyone about that line for his sake. but it was disgusting. he’s disgusting. he makes me uncomfortable. every time he’s near me, he’s sleazy, greasy, fake, like a bad hairstyle. next week, he leaned his head on my knee. i begged him to get off, the whole night, i told him to stop touching me. but he wouldn’t. i pushed him off, back into his seat. he thought i was pushing him into the fire, attempting to kill him. he screamed at me, called me a crazy bitch, and freaked out. he tried to run away, but fell, and laid on the grass for five minutes, and then actually ran away. david looked for him. jake comforted me. the next day, aj texted me, and we talked. my request was simple: don’t do it again, and we can forget about it. i didn’t even ask for a goddamn apology. but he refused. it’s not that hard- don’t kiss me. you’re not entitled to that. he said i was “accusing him of kiss raping me” which he did lmao, but i replied “i’m just stating what happened. i’m not accusing you of anything.” he kissed me w/o consent, and he put his fingers too close for comfort, for friendliness. and then he had the nerve to accuse me of “poisoning all our friends against him.” what a hypocrite!! he has the biggest ego of any man i have met. he is ugly, pimply and disproportionate, neck too long, jaw too far back, eyes too light for his skin tone, thinning hair. his personality is even worse- rude, arrogant, lazy, sleazy, sleazy, sleazy- and yet, he acts as though he is a god. it has to be an act, otherwise he is delusional as well. secretly, when i rate all my friends for dateability, he gets a 5 in physical and 2 in personality. he doesn’t even break 10. his ego is the least attractive thing about him. his promposal to me was pitiful. lauren understood completely and immediately. he threw a scribbled, careless paper airplane at me, with the words “i’ll take you to prom when pigs fly” on the inside. he struggled with a garbage bag, before producing a giant paper airplane with a printout pig and an attached flag that said “it’s your lucky day.” disgusting. he was lucky. the narcissism, the belief that i was lucky, the arrogance, all characteristic traits, everything i hate in a man. he’s my friend, and he did the most generic promposal. not only that, it’s the generic promposal i hate the most!!!! it has nothing to do with me, and it shows how little he pays attention to or thinks of others. david didn’t help him with the sign, but he could’ve prevented this. when i tell this story, it will be david taking me tri prom, and he will ask me with “prom would be a latte fun with you” scribbled on a vietnamese iced. personal, simple, cute. what i wanted. now i wish i’d gone alone. aj is a high school friend. i always knew that. i can’t wait to cut him off. the hard part will be keeping in touch with everyone else. he is dead to me. and if it weren’t for his house, i would cut him out. //