Heyyy Art vs Artist thingy! Finally did it after skipping it last year!

Last year!

So much has changed woah.. I was so neat.. I mean look at that lack of background ah..

What important is that it's still very buggy hellyeah

I guess new year resolution to explore more art media! And other stuff!

Trying to distract myself my hand at this stuff first time, and want to see how it goes.

I'm so guilty of doing this exactly even tho i love them because uh um to guilt trip myself? yeah.

Warning: yandere?? obsession, jealousy, all around depressed traveler time hahah

Long Abandoned

The traveler may be the hero(/ine) of Tevyat, but there's just no value if they're not your main character anymore...

They hate feeling helpless like this. The envy could only gnaw at their core deeper as they merely watch how you switch between characters, having the others to stand on a high pedestal of your best team.

There's few who share their feelings, but even the others, have more turns than them to be picked in the judgement of your hand.

“It should've been me.”

At first, it was such a great honor and responsibility that fell upon their small shoulders to bear your presence through them, as the unraveller of the stories and dialogues, as the one who does fishing with you, as the one who take actions in cutscenes... Many others even get jealous yet amazed at them at the same time.

But now, they are all mere dull chances, further pointing out their inability. They ache for you to use them in battle, for your hand choose them yourself. Not to only be shrouded by your eyes feasting upon their prowess but to feel the high and compassion they once got from being controlled around. Like the first time... When it was only between them, and you.

They're only your puppet on a string, but that's exactly why and they felt the most alive to be moved by you...

The traveler does time to time take notes of the characters you usually use, is it from their designs, behavioral patterns, or their stories that intrigue you so much?

They have all of that! They're not just plain cardboard characters They have depth too, for goodness sake they're literally your first five-star character! Don't they matter to you? ...they should be, but it's the fact that you see them as if they aren't worthy of your attention/respect to be used ever again—it's undeniable and simply says everything about them.

They know they shouldn't be despising those others who are so lucky (they can feel the others looking with pity and mock), it's your only rightful choice after all... They try to focus more on the shameful part of their feelings and wallowing in self pity, it helps them cope with the reality sometimes.

They know the others stuck out like a sore thumb yet colorful cast to you, compared to them...

If you're the one who doesn't have any intention of using them ever again simply because they're not to your interest, well... what can they do? As much as they want to rebel, they are pretty much powerless against the program.

(They still look out for any of the slightest chances and slip-ups of the code, they use anything they find to their advantage.)

If you're the one who had fun using them, who still like them even to this moment but for some reason won't use them, well... at least they still have a place to belong in your heart and mind, somewhere...

Ah, but trust them! They still always do their utmost best and give it their all (as much as they could in looking like that anyway) on simply being viewpoints through the lens of you for a minute or so at the dialogues.

Even if they may pass as an afterthought or a second choice, that's okay, it's maybe just their time coming at a later but fitting moment.

They won't stop having hope (and resorting to drastic measures) for those good times to return. Nothing they wouldn't do if it's for your blessings... after all, they're vital for those 'archon quests' to progress the story aren't they?

Following My Bliss

最近、仕事ばっかりで頭が破れそう。Lately, all I think about is work work work my head’s ‘bout to burst.

I think it was late June I was beginning to realise that inside my head was nothing but work. But I work and work and work like a fuckass and there’s still NEVER enough money. Why? Nothing is going well and the only job I have is murdering me.

I’ve said before I don’t hate this job, but at the same time, I fucking hate every second doing it. Like, although my human can rationalise what I appreciate about this job, my faery soul despises every breath I waste on it. At this point, it no longer makes sense how disgustingly lethargic I get every time I face the laptop to work on it.

I think I can’t do that anymore. I don’t want to keep prioritising everything else that’s sickening to my Soul. I just want to follow my bliss. The last couple of weeks has got to be a fucking major spiritual purge. Disconnecting my cords from everything that’s making my Soul so fucking miserable. Not that this is the first time this kinda shit is happening, but I think I’m just understanding it on a much deeper level or something stupid like that. And I hope it’s a last because I can’t keep dealing with depression like that.

To be honest, I don't think there's ever gonna be a real last spiritual purge for someone like me. Plus I'm still so young but fuck that. At least I want to think that this is really a last spurt towards something that's gonna lead me to a blissful existence.

What's the point of living if you're just gonna chill with miserable situations? I’m never gonna be comfortable with any of these motherfucking uncomfortable realities. Fuck that.

♪ No matter how your heart is breaking*, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish will come true ♪

*it’s actually grieving, but I always sing it like that hahah

hi! just wanted to check in and see how you were doing because your posts never pop up on my feed anymore </3

anyways, i hope you have a decent day and i'm so glad you made it into 2023.

Hello thank u so much for asking <3 First of all how are u? I see ur posts quite a bit but not so much about how you are doing I feel.

I guess I'm doing fine or like not that bad at least today so that's good lol I think I would be depressed or on the verge to depression but I developed a huge crush on this guy so that's kinda keeping me a little happy hahah :)

I hope you're having a good day too and I'm really proud of you for being here for this new year <3 whoo 2023 let's go 😞

You can do whatever you want, but I won't shut up about this 😉💚 and you should have documents because you might be hard-core, but you're still cute af 🥰

I suppose if you can't hear me, that'll have to change 🤨 I'm not and that's the end of it 😌🫶🏻

PLEASE DKKFKFKFK, not it being both, I'm sorry, my love 😭 especially hearing that you rarely sleep, if ever. I can imagine it's hell because I used to sleep in intervals, but I'd remain completely exhausted, and I didn't have sleeping pills or anything like that to go by. I tried nature sounds and sleeping mists, and the likes to help me 😭 but I'm glad the sleeping pills works wonders for you, love. That's great! Have you done what you needed to do this morning? And you've got nothing for tomorrow morning? That sucks you went to bed late and couldn't take your pills as a result of that, but at least you'll be able to sleep on time tonight! The uncomfortable nap doesn't sound pleasant in the slightest 😭 and please!!! You need to stop doing that to yourself lately, but good, I'll be happy if you take them tonight 🥰🫶🏻 and I'm so touched you think as much!? That's really sweet of you to say. I'm glad I don't anymore either 🫂 and I do, to some extent! I mean, I sleep late and wake up early, but that's because it's on me these days KDKKDKD 💚 and you're welcome, beautiful 💕

so anyways you absolute cutie 💕

hahah 💖

oh no... 😔 gosh that's awful. it's similar for me. I've had nightmares since I was a little girl, insomnia though, that's a bit more recent. I tried a lot of things as well but nothing worked, so around two years ago I mentioned the nightmares and the trouble falling and staying asleep to the psychiatrist who was treating me for depression. he gave me sleeping pills and I had no idea I was this unwell until I actually tried them and finally got a good night's rest like a normal person 😭 I can't sleep without them, especially because pain can often wake me up as well LMAO, I'm like a grandma. (it's the life with fibromyalgia 💖)

but it's just the truth! 😩 it's so horrible when you can't rest at night, not to mention constant nightmares can be so difficult to deal with and awful for your mental health 😔 and usually these things don't start for no reason either... I'm so sorry you had to deal with that, but I'm really really glad to hear you're doing well now 😔❤️ I'm sending you the biggest hug ever and all my love ❤️🫂

thank YOU so much 🥺❤️ it's so nice to be able to talk about this and be understood, and you're so sweet and wonderful 🥺💕

i’m very sad… 🙁

this is going to be my 189th night of trying to dream about jonghyun. i feel like a loser or someone that jonghyun hates.

jonghyun PLSSSSSSS watch me sleep at night since apparently that works for some reason ughhhhhhhhhhh

i even said pretty please with a cherry on top with some cheese and chicken sprinkles (which is disgusting but still) i’m very sad, lonely and i’m begging for jonghyun to come into my dream just this once and then i’ll leave him alone…

*starts screaming to the sky like a maniac*

also i’m glad you’re not that offended. i tend to be like that since i find it very hard to talk about “it” in a casual manner so that’s why you would only hear me talking about “it” in a sad vent or even a comedic manner hence the pinned post since you’ll barely catch me dead or alive crying about how much i miss jonghyun 3000 times in one day.

i had a dream about him only ONCE for the past 5 years. ONCE. and that was 5 days because “it” so it was very comforting for me and so i cried due to how dramatic i am hahah

and yes, i was crying in my dream (because it was during “that”) and jonghyun came to comfort me and he was like “dOnT bE sAd, dOnT dO wHaT i DiD” and i took it in the same level as ring ding dong this guy is such an inspirational man and now i want to cry again.

jonghyun, i stopped being sad. now can you come back into my dreams and tell me to stop being depressed 😭

Don't worry, I'm sure he doesn't hate you, it does take awhile for them to come. I asked my grandma to visit my dreams cause I needed her like three years before I actually dreamt about her and it was just her scolding me for going to the mall by myself to see Lana Del Rey but a guy was following me around the mall and something bad almost happened and she walked me home. It will be when you need him to visit you more then you even realize. But I'm sure he'll come he's probably just busy don't give up hope, he'll visit you when you least expect. And it does seem like he'll come when he feels like you need him the most. Probably why I stopped dreaming about him, he figured I didn't need him anymore. And I know this may sound a little crazy to other people but I believe there's things that we can't even comprehend going on beyond the veil. So don't lose hope, he'll come to you.

hiii it's sleepover anon again :’) another long update ahahah. i was able to talk to them the day after my bday thru vid call!

they basically said that they were talking abt me bc it was just randomly brought up when they were tgt waiting for me to arrive to bff1's house on the day of the sleepover/dinner party, and they thought that me being delusional over the guy was funny.. i mean, sure yeah it is pretty funny but 1) someone *must* have brought it up bc how else would that convo even happen while they were waiting for me 😭 i don't believe it was "random".. 2) they were still laughing abt me behind my back ? i mean, yk we could've done that together lol bc i rly was silly ngl. but i said that i'm not ashamed about it even if they think i was being too much bc first of all that guy actually showed interest and he implied lots of times that he did like me sooooo it's only natural to feel that way ? 🙁 i wasn't going to not let myself not feel anything abt it bc i just wanted to have fun 😭 and even if he was sus, which we all thought at first b4 i got close to him, i stuck around w him bc he was the only person i knew in one of my classes cuz we were also classmates in the previous term.. then we got close bc we helped each other n yk stuff happened but it was also for the sake of common decency. and i rly was just fucking around to find out bc i wanted to know even tho he was sus.. and now i know and there's actual proof that he's just not it. i wasn't going to cut him off or smth without reason or proof lol i'd end up being the bad guy despite what we all thought ab him at first :// but now i do have a good enough reason that i can back up n thats why i stopped talking to him. simple as that

also bff2 alr felt bad enough bc she realized that drunk her isn't a good person so i didn't feel the need to crush her abt the stuff she said abt our other friend lmaooo.. i could've but nah she was alr depressed enough i'm just glad she's aware now. i did mention it tho and i said it was just plain mean..

but it's also quite funny to think they were making fun of me for being so head over heels when they don't even have experience 😭 they don't even know what it's like to have someone interested in them at least.. like one time when i was talking to him for like 2 whole days, bff2 once told me she was jelly of me and him bc she's never gotten to talking stage w anyone.. n then after all that they were laughing abt me like lol ok :\\

anw i just told them that i don't appreciate how they talked abt me without my presence bc whatever they said to each other was smth they could actually say to my face.. it's smth i'd laugh abt too yknow.. but they apologized tho which is good but honestly i don't rly trust them now after all that.. their insecurities spilled onto their perception of me + our other friend like yikes i don't rly want insecure friends who laugh abt me behind my back i want supportive and non-judgmental ones!! it's not even hard to be kind 😭 glad i went to that sleepover n that i went thru him tho even tho it was just bs bc i found out the truth abt my friends.. bottom line is i don't have trustworthy friends so i'm just going to keep my distance.. we r still 'friends' i don't want to cut them off but i'm just not telling them anything anymore and i'm not talking to them unless they msg to talk to me first or if i need them for smth lol

anw thats it for this whole drama thank you sm for listening omg HAHAH 😭😭💗💗 also jsyk i am one of the emoji anons haha i just didn't rly want to associate the drama w it but yes. tysm for the safe space u created on here<33 and thank you for taking ur time to always talk to us even if it's a lot to go thru one by one🥹🫶🫂❤️‍🩹

WAIT UR AN EMPJI ANON?????? NAH CAUSE NOW IM TRYA FIGURE IT OUT

also!!! let’s go boundary queen!!! nice to know it was all bc they’re jealous.

Awww that's such a shame, I'm glad you got the electricity back :) and I'm v sorry for the late reply hahah, I couldn't find any time to properly get on Tumblr since morning 😣

awww I see!! That's so sweet I hope that someone gives you a hug soon >:(

yes he is. He's like the badass classmate everyone has who sleeps through lessons, skips school a lot, and yet manages to get?? Amazing grades?? 😔 I'm so jealous of him, but he's really nice, and since we're both foodies we just love going out and trying new food together. Eating out in Malaysia is pretty affordable, it's basically a good haven since there's SO MANY different cuisines and dishes to try.

ahhh that's low-key so precious!! I'm glad you've started listening to them 👉👈 what song do you like best?? And hhahsjsj I was exactly like that when I first started listening, but when you slowly get to know their personalities more, they're SO different, and you'll find each of them have different quirks and characters. I love them all, tho my favourite is the youngest, Jungkook. He's just perfect. (Oops I sound like a fangirl now. Sorry) tho I could always help you if you ever want :]

yessss dogs are cute!! Have you named any of the ones you sometimes play with? I'm more of a cat person. I love cats so much, I used to own three, but they're not with us anymore :// I'll get one soon, when I start college, I think. A small brown kitten. I'll probably name him Tooru 😔💖

thank you!!! I did indeed sleep well :) I hope you've been having a good day too.

—Ari

It's alright! I'm hoping your day went great<3

Oho, he sounds cool! Kind of like me tbh, I never listen to anything what's happening in class but still get at least 85%🤪 Also, going out together just to eat something😩😩😩 friendship goals. Me and my friends barely go out together. Actually, not even barely, we never go out, I've onmy went out with Liza and another buddy of mine, but since we're in differnet cities that's not really possible anymore😞😞

That sounds so nice! I wish our cafes and restaurants were a bit less expensive, I'm not sure if they're overpriced or we're just poor, but either way it's gonna cost a lot to eat out. Its so cool though, having a lot of new stuff to try?? I wish we had as much~

I havent listened to a lot, but my favorite has to be Still With You, so far! And I'll definitely make sure to get to know them better, ahah! Don't worry, don't apologize for that, it's really adorable, and I'm glad to hear you love them so much🥺 I trust your judgement so I'll probably love them as much^^♡ plus I'm a huge fanboy myself, so its alright😝

Well, I would probably name them, but sadly every time theres a new dog and it's as if other dogs just vanished, so I tend not to name them so I dont get too attached:( But I do have a small buddy who's been hanging out for a long time near our house, I named him Chernysh (which roughly translates as Blacky from Russian, heh) because he has black fur without any spots♡^♡ I feed him occasionally, but he mostly gets his food from our other neighbor.

Oh, that's so nice!!! Tooru would fit him perfectly🥺🥺 send a picture when you can, if that's not a problem^^" I hope he warms up to you quickly <33

My day was pretty good, at first I was in a really depressive mood so I went on a walk to cry it out (I'd never cry at home, no way), but in conclusion I didnt cry at all for some reason cuz I got distracted (and probably cuz it was super cold and I'd just freeze my eyes and eyelashes, which happens even when I'm not crying), and then my phone died and I got more time for my thoughts, and somehow I managed to think of something nice and my day, or probably even week, is now better:D

I hope you're taking care of yourself well, I love you a lot, thank you for taking time out of your day and messaging me💓💕💓💕💞💓