Source: The Atlantic, author Katherine Hu

"There was a moment yesterday when I broke down at work. I sobbed, grieving because of the trauma that Asians and Pacific Islanders in America have absorbed and tucked away these past three years, the way so many daily walks have become heavier. The way stories of violence have layered upon others until it’s difficult for me to recall which individual in which city in which way. I thought of how quickly I have normalized the grotesque—standing in front of the subway beams when a train arrives so that I have something to grab onto if pushed; casually ignoring men who roll their eyes up and down my body and call me “China girl.” Too many marginalized people feel this: the notion that violence is the foundation of the home that we fearfully inhabit."

JUST finished the powerpoint for my thesis presentation btw….just gotta go over it tomorrow and then actually present it on wednesday 😣

I rewatched Shang-Chi recently, as one of my partners hadn't seen it yet and it's one of my favorite movies to rewatch when I can. It's no Everything Everywhere All At Once, but it was still a piece of Asian-American (and more specifically, Chinese-American) film that impacted me and holds a lot of importance to me. There's so much in that movie that I could go on and on about in relation to myself: the feeling othered in both the US and in Asian countries, the specific Asian American culture which is neither White American nor is it "Homeland" Asia culture but something that's both and neither, the trauma of never being good enough, loving and resenting your sibling.......

One line that stuck out to me in this particular rewatch, however, was when Ying Nan (Michelle Yeoh's character) looks at her nephew and says, "You are a product of all who came before you.... You are your mother. And whether you like it or not, you are also your father." And that's so powerful, for a movie written in the West but by those from the Asian diaspora. Many Western movies would have had a line about how you're not your parents, you're your own person with your own life and destiny that you get to define yourself. And Asian culture tends to focus on respecting and carrying on you family's legacy and tradition. But here... in the context of this movie, I see both having their place. Shang-Chi has to learn how to take that legacy from both of his parents and make it his own.

And I love that. He doesn't get to run away and leave his past behind. And I don't just mean his past and his life's history, I mean also that of his parents. Because family history and family culture absolutely colored his life and is an influence on who he is today. His father's traumas and history as a warlord, and his mother's past where she had to leave her village, are both things that affected him and shaped him even though they were things that happened before he was even born. And by acknowledging that these pieces of his family's history are a part of him and his own narrative about himself, he can truly finally accept himself and create something new and wonderful from that.

Just.... god. It's such a struggle, as an Asian-American who was hurt and abused and traumatized by my parents, to try to figure all that out. "I don't want to be like my parents", I tell myself. But I constantly see parts of them in me. I have my father's jaw and my mother's eyes. I love physics because my father nurtured that in me since I was a child, as he was a physics professor himself. I'm a musician because my mother's a singer and loves music herself. I have a tendency to avoid my problems and not get confrontational like my father. I yell and throw things around when I'm angered like my mother. I can't escape the influence both of them had in my life, even though I no longer live with them.

And even if could get rid of everything that reminds me of them, where does that leave me? What parts of my Asian heritage do I reject in the process? Do I change my last name to distance myself even more? What could I even change it to?

No... I think for me, the most empowering thing has been accepting that my parents' traumas, and their parents' traumas, and all the traumas that came before them, all have a place in the narrative I tell about my own life. Acknowledging that these things did happen and did and still do have an affect on my life has been so important in my healing journey. No, I'm not saying their individual traumas are my traumas. But... their traumas affected how they treated me, which in turn gave me my own traumas. And I can look at that part of my history, my family's histories, and make it my own.

Seeing all the evidence coming out about how cruelly the Voice of China producers treated Coco has been crazy and upsetting. Even more so because of how Zhejiang Television has a history of abusing people: the celebrities who appear on their shows and their lower level employees. The show that Godfrey Gao died on was also Zhejiang Television. I hope Coco's soul has gone to a happier place and that the people involved in her mistreatment really face some repercussions for this.

South Asian Therapist Collective

Many South Asians struggle with mental health, and those who try to work through it using therapy additionally struggle to find culturally competent care. Seeing this, a few therapists within ASATA's membership, Farhana Sobhan and Ishita Pohoja, worked to start a therapy collective in hopes of addressing this need. The below is a quote from Farhana:

This directory was created with the intention of connecting South Asian therapists to South Asian clients. When I was looking for a therapist, I wanted to work with someone who understood some of my nuanced cultural experiences. Someone to whom I would not have to explain my collective understanding of relationships. Someone with whom I didn't have to take time educating about my culture and how it impacts me. This directory was formed from the work of South Asian Therapist Collective (SATC) who formed during the lockdown of Covid-19. The collective has coalesced in order to examine the nuances of working with South Asian themes via consultation, to be in community with one another to lessen isolation, and to decolonize therapy through dialogue and being in community with one another. As a collective, we want to continue to create more visibility for South Asian therapists to link South Asian individuals to culturally informed care. And for us, as therapists to be in relationship to one another that tends to be isolative due to the nature of mental health work.  

If you're interested in being part of this collective, please reach out to the southasiantherapists [at] gmail [dot] com.

Suicide Prevention Resource Center: Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month

I recently wrote the latest Director’s Corner for the Suicide Prevention Resource Center. This installment focuses on Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month (AANHPI). I discuss how my AANHPI identity intersects with the work I’m doing now. I also talk about the importance of visibility and meaningful inclusion practices. I hope you’ll check it out and learn a little bit…

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Brain Dump on Permission to Come Home

There’s a chapter titled Permission to Take up Space. That one really hit home. It really forced me to think about this topic that I never really thought too much about before. How, in general, Asians and particularly Asian women, we have this avoidance to take up space. I think part of it comes from the fact that in many Asian cultures, being humble, keeping your head down, going with the flow, not making a ruckus, has been a survival tactic for a lot of immigrant parents. And just culturally, being humble, keeping your head down and working hard, is praised! Add on the fact that Asian women we're praised when we are obedient, when we're docile, agreeable and easygoing. We were criticized as girls, scolded and chastised if we dared talk back or if we were not acting “appropriately” in accordance to others. It makes a lot of sense why I always struggled with taking up space. I think part of it also comes from a place of fear that if I take up too much space, I am going to upset somebody and they're not going to like me anymore. This contributes to me always trying to be super accommodating and having a lot of anxiety when I feel like I’ve failed at that.

Growing up, I was always encouraged by my Chinese family to not take up space. Ironically, that was in direct conflict with the Western values I also grew up around. Because in American/western society, speaking up, taking leadership - these are things that are praised. Obviously, that changes depending on certain identities one holds, such as race, gender, class, ability etc. But for the most part, these things are cheered on I guess. My feelings around this topic of taking up space are complicated. On one hand, I can recognize and acknowledge and be thankful for all the ways not taking up space has protected me. Like I mentioned, it's good for survival. It’s helped me to survive in this crazy, crazy world. Especially in dynamics or settings where there is an imbalance in power, where I'm in a position of less power. Also, there are times when I actually feel good about not taking up space. Especially when that means I am allowing someone else to have that space. Someone who has historically been marginalized and not allowed to take up space. Those are times when I genuinely do enjoy stepping back and taking up less space, so that someone else who I feel deserves it can take up that space, if that makes any sense.

At the same time, I do have to acknowledge that my avoidance of taking up space has detriments in the sense of where because I've become so unaccustomed to taking up space, the act of taking up space becomes so, so difficult for me. It causes me so much anxiety, so much fear, so many difficult emotions. It's made it so that it's so hard for me to take up space now because it just feels so unnatural. And that's a detriment when it comes to relationships, friendships, and professional life. People can sense that and take advantage. And because I don’t take up space, because I don’t speak up, I just let things sit and stew inside me, which...just leads to a lot of passive aggressiveness.

Quote of the Day- May 31, 2022

Quote of the Day- May 31, 2022

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Associate (APCC) Renewal for a 2nd Year

Hi all, I am sharing my experiences as an APCC so far and I’m still struggling to afford being in the field: May 6 2023 – Moved back home to CA and filed for the APCC after graduating from Seton Hill in PA June 7 2023 – Received the APCC officially July – October 2023 – I job hunted, interviewed, etc. (and started with Anise Health on 10/25) December 2023 – Realized it was difficult to get…

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My brain's wired this way--fleeting happiness and snagging anxiety.

Trang Thanh Tran, She is a Haunting

You may feel secondary trauma from mass shooting coverage. Therapists discuss ways to cope

You may feel secondary trauma from mass shooting coverage. Therapists discuss ways to cope

Source: LA Times

My final paper is just going to end up being an in-depth analysis of Mafuyu isn’t it?

it’s late in the summer; a thick blanket of tension coats the air in the orange lit basement surrounding us, and we’ve just indirectly told each other about how we feel about our looks by critiquing our past selves in the picture frames hung upon the walls.

i can feel you slipping into your teenage years. i can tell you’re not the same kid anymore. im sorry i couldn’t make that stay for longer. i feel like i shouldn’t have let that happen so soon. yet i know your feelings all too well, because that’s how i am, and that’s how i was too. and it’s my role to notice, and everyday i see you, my worry and care grows for you like how a parent would for their child, and i feel guilty for all the things i couldn’t have prevented, and stay enraged at all the things that made you feel so deeply at such a young age.

and like a repeating tale, like the circle of life, you follow my path like you were told to do, but i didn’t even know where i was going. i feel as though I’ve led you to an unfamiliar trail with no map, and i hate to know you may not hide your confusion so well, because you weren’t raised the same way i was.

you never had to be an example.

LONG BEACH, Calif. (KABC) -- More than 300 students from more than 35 states submitted essays and various forms of artwork for the second annual Bring the Noise scholarship contest and exhibition. This year's focus was all about mental health and students submitted work that explored how they, as Asian American teens, can establish healthy self-journeys.

"To be able to say, 'I'm going to take off my mask and show my true self unapologetically,' is something that I'm just very proud that this generation of young people are able to do," said Tommy Chang, one of judges of the contest. "Something that I know growing up in America in the 80s and 90s I didn't have that instinct."

Submissions included essays, artwork and videos of students singing and dancing. Out of all of the submissions, 10 students were awarded a cash prize scholarship, totaling $10,000 given to the winners. Students said they hope their art can have an impact.

Nope!

I started seeing a new therapist two weeks ago. He’s quite talkative, and though his comments are not always exactly in tune with what I say or how I feel, he has shared some right on the money insights even within our first couple of sessions. He asked me about my childhood in our first session. I gave him my standard spiel: emotionally abused by my mother who yelled and criticized me almost…

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Our Emotionless Indian Comedian

Hallmark movies are by no means the way to get an understanding on progress. However, I’ll admit it’s a guilty pleasure for me and putting on some of their mindless mystery shows is a comfort. In the episode of Hailey Dean Mysteries called “A Prescription for Murder,” there’s a character named Dr. Chang. He’s described as a robot. He’s a doctor totally focused on his own personal success at a sacrifice of his patient’s welfare. He shows no emotion to the situation. He’s a suspect until he’s not then frankly disappears from the entire movie. It’s quintessential Hallmark which will still rely on stereotypes of another era.

Dr. Chang is an exaggeration of Western perceptions of Asian cultures. Such a simplistic presentation does not look at the deeper aspects of the emotional restrictions culturally and the challenges to overcome in a Western world that is becoming more and more emotional. This is the challenge of the first-generation in America. This is the challenge I still deal with both culturally but also in personality naturally.

It should be no surprise that so many cultures follow an idea that feelings are left to be buried. Among Indians, this is no different. Of course, it is ridiculous to not believe that feelings exist as we are human and we have progressed to a growing discussion both within India and in the West on the topic. It doesn’t mean that our natural inclinations or our cultural upbringing simply disappear.

Unlike most within my generation (which sparks plenty of easy jokes on not having become a doctor), I had an inclination towards creative paths. However, as time has progressed, the notion of understanding creativity with personality have gone away. I recall doing a comedy show early on where we were “barking” at nearby venues (marketing the comedy show but really just bothering people who had no intention of going to a comedy show that evening). This was not why I became a stand-up comedian. Had I wanted to do this, I would have just gone into sales. I was fine as a performer onstage but quite shy with strangers off of it when I began doing comedy. However, it was the first indication that so much in life, including comedy, is more sales than it is the creative path you entered.

I of course progressed and honed those skills in the best way possible for me and that was comfortable and have managed two separate successful careers as a result. That’s not particularly the point here. The point here is my incapability and perhaps disgust in the need of our society to express every single emotion to the public when that is not in the fiber of my being.

I will provide an honest example. I express most emotions, but I don’t know how to be angry. I certainly have anger. But I don’t know how to express it. In fact, it feels inappropriate and wrong to express it. Frankly, the emotions I was raised on were so intermixed that it doesn’t even make sense. My father’s (and most Indian fathers) tone is just naturally loud. It doesn’t mean it’s anger necessarily, though sometimes it is and grew to be such a common tone within my household that it was almost laughable. There are a lot of cultures and nationalities that can likely relate.

If you combine this then with the notions of expectations culturally and in dealing with the American approach to perception, it is only natural that one can become stilted with their emotions. I was raised on basic dignity, equality, and treating others as you would wish to be treated. I was raised that my problems were not to be yours. So, for someone who is naturally introverted, it can be understood how easily emotions can become so internalized and also the more comfortable approach.

It is “better” that we all do express our emotions and that we share our feelings. However, it appears that we do so with little understanding to the other side, those that deal with their emotions privately and actually find society and social media’s flaunting of every single emotion off-putting if not entirely uncomfortable to one’s own psyche.

I have no choice but to accept the fact that when I made a decision to be a stand-up comedian or to pursue a creative path, I chose a lifestyle that would be public. I had become a public figure in Columbus when I was 21. For the past 17 years, I have been attempting to come to grips on how to navigate my own personality and emotions with a public sphere that has so dramatically changed and that is so counter to my own preferences.

In order to understand that all, I must go back to my own upbringing. I was naturally quiet to begin with. In general, it was not encouraged that we convey our feelings in a public setting (let alone really all that much even in a private setting). It was important to be hard-working, good to others, and not to push our own negativity onto others. In fact, it was better suited to cover up any negativity or possible ways that didn’t follow a high standard of success among the Asian Indian community. If anything, the pros and cons of this upbringing built me into the standards and work that I do today where ethics, honesty, and fairness are important attributes to me.

For whatever reason, this creative part of me molded itself into doing stand-up comedy. Given my personality, this was a surprise to most of my family and friends. But I loved stand-up comedy. In the same way that those attributes of my upbringing benefited me in the classroom, they did so on the stage. I was devoted to it and worked hard to improve myself both in my skills onstage and with the business components away from the stage.

My progress in stand-up comedy came at a fascinating time for entertainment, though. With MySpace and YouTube, the Internet and social media sites were becoming an outlet for experiencing comedy as well as being a marketing tool for live shows. This has only progressed on steroids over the past 17 years. With those steroids though, I’ve watched incredibly bizarre behavior progress, some of which is so counter to who I even am. So, I have modified to fit what is best for me (at the sacrifice, perhaps, of personal success) and yet at the same time I feel entirely disconnected from the reasons I became a comedian to begin with.

The most common way to experience live stand-up comedy now is not live at all. The art is still appreciated but more so via specials on streaming services or YouTube, Tiktok, and Instagram Reels. It is not to say that live performance is dead at all as many people are still enjoying live shows but the fact is it’s essential to have one’s stand-up comedy releasing consistently through the Internet to ensure people attend your live shows. The industry has flipped upside down. Gone are the days of Brian Regan honing his act and his fanbase from years on the road. Gone are the days of Jerry Seinfeld, Roseanne, or Ray Romano simply just being handed TV shows based off their stand-up comedy. Gone are the days even of recluses like Harper Lee or Thomas Pynchon possibly being notable writers. Success comes far more via a viral presence than it does via pure stand-up comedy or creative talent. Some may have an issue with that but I personally don’t. Things progress just as it did with Vaudeville to radio, radio to TV, and TV to streaming. Where I’m not comfortable with it is how it’s seemingly affecting daily life.

In the past year, I have seen comedians promoting live shows or themselves in whatever ways with near nudity, emotional pleas, crying, or literally just tossing a Venmo handle at the public for no meaningful reason. I’ve also watched this not be exclusive to comedians but also to people who simply are on social media casually and for no underlying business or livelihood purpose. These behaviors are so fundamentally against how I operate, my personality, and why I’m even a comedian. It makes me question if my friends and fellow comedians are doing this because this is who they are or because they’ve allowed an algorithm to dictate who they are. It’s also hard to not question my own personality and sanity if these are the prevalent behaviors we see on a daily basis.

This is not meant to be a political comment but more so an observation of our society. The day that the American voting public decided to elect Donald Trump as President was a day that we dictated for ourselves the future of our behavior. We allowed the standard to become that anything could be said, any emotion could be expressed, and the level to its accountability would never be clear. It was a clear indication that these kinds of behaviors would lead to earning the highest position in the world. So, how else can that not pulsate throughout every part of life? Creative people begin to share way more than they likely should via social media. So, too, does just your everyday suburban family. This all comes under the guise of personal expression or of marketing but then we have to ask ourselves a question: how much of who we are now are ourselves and how much is it the “brand” either an industry or social media is now thrusting on us to be? And, let’s be clear, a post-9/11 world only intensified that there is only so much emotion a man that looks like me can express without there being potential ramifications.

I do not write this for any sense of sympathy or empathy from readers. That is the major difference between my feelings and approach and how social media operates on a day-to-day basis. I see plenty of emotional posts with comments of encouragement from others. It feels more an addiction to your emotional problems than it does a resolution or improvement. I only write and share when I feel I’ve reached a comfort level to express it or that I’ve earned the ability to share it because I’ve reached a benchmark with it. I also write it because I imagine there are others who feel the same way, and in a world of loudmouths towards their emotions, there are few like us expressing things in this manner.

To the public (and perhaps even privately to those I’m closest to), I am lacking the same level of emotion as so many others. I simply don’t have that. I am working to understand that but also I can never be the level to the emotion that’s being expressed daily by what feels like the majority of my colleagues and society. I will admit that, having spent almost half of my adult life being a professional at it, it is difficult to be creative and a comedian in this current time when the efforts involved in being it via social media feel so absolutely absurd. Nevertheless, I will continue to do it in the way that I want to do it because I do love it and I stick to the standards and reasons behind why I chose to do it to begin with. That may not attain me fame, but you can likely tell from this entire essay, fame is not exactly something my personality would be yearning for. I also have to focus on ensuring my interpersonal relationships accept my personality and are understanding of who I am, something that proves to be far more difficult for the very reasons I indicated throughout this essay.

People will always use the New Year as a way to mark new personal beginnings. Resolutions are made related to diets, behavioral changes, and other ways to improve that will make the self-help market excited. For me, the New Year is not particularly different because it continues a challenge that has always existed in every year of my life: the challenge of navigating myself in a society my personality and upbringing has never felt fit to be a part of.