i see this on twitter all the time, so: a controversial opinion of mine is that if you consider yourself an ally you should not be using such language to talk about queer people that i can’t decide whether you’re being a bigot or you’re just trying to be “cool” and “on trend”. like calling a driver a “homotron” or a “homotwink” or outright “f.ggy” is just completely unfunny to me

Recently noticed a ton of "booktok" people claiming that written smut is "just as bad as porn" and "affects the brain the exact same way as porn." I'm not even antiporn but any rational person can see why that's a ridiculous claim. The industries are vastly different (no one but the author is involved in written smut, so there's less room for abuse) and the stimuli are vastly different. Like porn addiction as a concept is dubious at best but videos and written text affect the brain in different ways. That feels very obvious to me. I can at least see the basis for porn addiction (but there's no good evidence for its existence). No babes, you cannot become addicted to books. Seriously, people are claiming that you're a porn addict if you read a lot of smut. & I've had several people tell me "you must be a porn addict because only an addict would defend porn [meaning smut in this context] so vehemently," which feels VERY fallacious to me but I don't know which fallacy in particular. I just...am I going insane? Shouldn't "porn addiction also includes written smut" be fucking plainly ridiculous, even to people who vehemently believe in porn addiction and people who vehemently don't?

--

I wonder how different the effect really is on, say, a person who imagines extremely vividly. I have a friend who can make herself nauseated just by thinking of food because as soon as she thinks of it, she tastes it as if she were eating it.

I don't find writing and video that different. When reading, I do often experience a playback in my head. I don't always imagine facial features clearly, but details of objects, layouts of settings, clothing, etc. will be photorealistic. The crummy production values of your average commercial porno aren't my thing, but that's not a fundamental property of the medium.

If we mean "addiction" like "thing people become obsessive about as an escape", books certainly count.

If we mean "wharrgarbl, how dare people have a sexuality?!" then any medium can count.

The fundamental flaws of the concept of porn addiction make it hard for me to agree with you.

--

But as for "Only a X would defend...", those are just cowardly weaklings who've never stood up for a real principle in their lives. Everyone with decent standards will sometimes have to stand up for things they personally dislike or don't care about.

Was there any responses on the Theon survey that made you feel differently about a certain headcanon, fandom trend or ship?

Thank you for your patience. It is uncommon for people to ask about my opinions but it brought a smile to my face, and your politeness only added to it.

To answer your question, sadly not, but there were still some developments on my perceptions.

Fandomwise I was mostly proven right over things I suspected in the past both in things I find uplifting and things that I find upsetting (TCKs and colonialism children in the Theon corner preferring Dany over Sansa and usually disliking the Theon/Stark ships, Robb Stark being a gift as the prevalent perception among throbb shippers, most people not caring about Jeyne Poole, thramsays being unhinged but very respectful and careful about people's boundaries) but there were a few things that had a positive reaction in me and maybe prepared me for changes.

I think I've made clear how I don't like engaging with Theon/Stark ships and sadly when it came to the squid prince and the steel skinned princess this didn't change at all, on the contrary, but when it came to the squid prince and the wolf-headed boy I was confronted with smaller subsets of the fandom that I felt could actually get me into it.

I used to be a lot more open about the later ship but as time passed it was ruined for me due to many personal vexations involving interpretation, (dismissal or vilification of) characters, themes and the constant use of show-scenes and quotes, but some of the responses from throbb people came very close to things I would theoretically enjoy in them as a ship (and as a closer characterisation of how I perceive Robb, clearly not a villain or an evil-doer but not someone I'd want to spend time with).

Nothing fully changed my mind, I didn't always agree with their reasoning and I am still sceptical because this was only a minority, but I think to some extent it made me more curious and, admittedly, less judgemental.

Here are some examples I am allowed to quote:

On Throbb as a ship, by throbb people

I only mildly dabble in shipping in asoiaf at all, however Throbb Is nice as when its done well It tends to have a lot of what I like (kidfic, canon divergences with some political element and happening around the early ACOK node, very specific hurt comfort dynamics, role reversals (enjoy Robb Is the one who had to experience Ramsay AUs even) exploration of the cultural/identity issues through conflicing loyalty etc . It rigorously has to be by people who love Theon better than Robb though

I'm someone where I will take whatever I can get tbh. All of the above. I do really enjoy stories where Robb is a darker character though, and relishes in the power he holds over Theon. Also just like playing with the theme of the Starks being wolves? And how the Ironborn were called like sea wolves by those in the riverlands and westerlands. It's very fun. I also do indulge in modern AUs where Theon is an unofficial member of the Starks. It's just very comfy. I like it less-so in canon fics because I think it very much writes off Ironborn culture in place of Northern culture. I am picky with them though because some of them are very much in the lane of "the Starks can do no wrong" and nope, the Starks can and have.

I am truly here for literally any Theon ship and they all appeal to me in different ways for different reasons. Robb and Theon - Personally I think it's really interesting how Robb is upheld as this very honourable gentleman-type but he never calls out Theon on his horrible treatment of women or other uncouth behaviour and it's suggested he actually kind of admires him for it? It gives me the impression that Robb lives vicariously through Theon a little bit and I'm fascinated by the idea of them being devoted to each other but also jealous of each other? We never see Robb's POV in the books but I think he's interesting to view through a lens of a young guy with an immense amount of pressure and responsibility on his shoulders (even before Ned dies he has the responsibility of being heir and the pressure to live up to the Stark name). I imagine that Theon is one of the few people Robb felt he could be himself around without any pressure to be respectable or honourable. He probably craves the relative freedom Theon has whole Theon longs for the status and respect that Robb has. It's an interesting dynamic! Also there's the fact that Robb is literally the only person who likes Theon and trusts him when no one else does which makes it even more heartbreaking when he betrays him.

On whether Robb Stark is a gift or not, by throbb people

No. Lol. I mean, the thing is, Robb isn’t really a terrible person or anything – book!Robb especially is young and inexperienced and genuinely seems to be trying his best in a situation that is understandably overwhelming. That said, he’s careless, self-righteous, over-privileged, emotionally manipulative, a bit vainglorious and sometimes extremely selfish, and has a tendency to do things like blame the easiest, most vulnerable (as well as the one most likely to forgive him) target for his own mistakes. He’s somewhat emotionally constipated and fairly low on empathy. He's very loyal to his family (but as we see with Sansa, it’s far from unconditional) and I think he does try to do right by people, especially those he cares about, overall. However, in the context of his relationship with Theon (where this seems to be most prominent as a Concept) he fails rather significantly and the relationship is not nonredeemable or anything, but definitely toxic.

I've only got the impression that he is a gift by reading bran's, Jon's and Arya's chapters not by theon's. In book 1 he is such an asshole to him in that bran chapter... It's more fanon I think to make Robb a gift specifically to Theon and I understand it, the show gave to us a closer relationship and many liked it and projected to Robb a caring attitude we wanted someone to have towards Theon, at least that's how it worked for me idk. Also the potential for romance, angst and tragedy by making them closer is just *chefs kiss is Robb a gift? yes is he one to Theon? they definitely have love between them but I don't think he is one to Theon.

Robb Stark as a character can really be anything you want him to be. I think only seeing him through other POV characters (especially his family) was a stroke of genius on George's part, just as we first meet Stannis in person through Maester Cressen, and later experience him through Davos' eyes (two people who love him deeply). Robb was a 16 year old dealing with some incredibly high stakes situations and a number of traumatic losses. He's mostly just tragic to me.

I still think Robb's relationships to the women in his life (Cat, Jeyne, Sansa, Arya and Dacey) are more interesting to me since they are usually explored by fandom in a more ambiguous and, in my opinion, more canon-compliant light, but yeah these made me reconsider my negative feelings about Throbb.

To some extent this also happened with Theyne, a ship I do ship but always felt weird about and sometimes had this stupid and prideful type of wish to differentiate myself from the shippers who engaged with it in a more "wholesome" manner. I came to see a lot more interest in dubious and less-positive takes on the dynamic in some of the responses and it was oddly relieving, it made me less conscious about my self-perceived discredit of the text when adding romantic connotations to Theon and Jeyne's canon dynamic (although they are somewhat present in the text too. ?????weird situationship of mutual victimhood and hellish non-consensual polycule with their torturer acting as matchmaker, third wheel and sicko lurking on the window)

[...] If it happens, it will be later down the line, probably during a potential recovery arc or even at the very end of the books. I would like to see how that plays out and I think Jeyne as his co-survivor of torture would probably be the most interesting person to play that out with because there is a common history that will remain a can of worms between them, but Jeyne seems to be (just like Kyra who came to Theon with the keys even though she didn't have to do that for her rapist!) a genuinely caring, empathetic and kind person who seems to have already bonded with Theon, seemingly knowing that he just like her did not participate willingly in her rape even though he had been compliant to his torturer's demands out of fear. And all that probably holds true even if he is still in survival mode of "I have saved Lady Arya (do not take on your actual name because that will get us both thrown back to the Boltons, this charade ain't over yet, please keep this charade up for your and my safety)". Jeyne has been badly maimed and (not only, but predominantly sexually) tortured herself, of course, so I suspect that the bond they both share will be fraught with fears and pain and ugly memories that migth feel more pressing than just memories (hello, PTSD), but i can see a way forward for both of them that I cannot see for either Jeyne and anyone else or Theon and anyone else (apart from familial bonds that Theon still has. Jeyne has no-one but Theon now, her parents are both dead and any other relatives haven't stepped up when Littlefinger sex trafficked her and Ramsay ended up repeatedly raping, maiming and psychologically torturing her). They will probably at first feel not great with each other, but I truly believe that they can help each other heal as far as possible or at least manage the aftermath of such severe torture of all kings. If he (Theon) does end up in some capacity in a romantic or sexual re-exploration of identity through a relationship of some sort, I suspect that Jeyne, who was co-tortured sexually alongside and through him (not that he was a willing participant, just someone trying to survive, doing the least harmful thing for both himself and Jeyne by partaking in being forced to rape her for Ramsay while thus becoming a victim of rape himself; apart from his former strongly insinuated sexual abuse and possible genital mutilation), might be the only person able and willing to even entertain the idea of a romantic and/or sexual connection to him, even though I think that her own state after all the sexual and other abuse means that that will be very, very far into the future. Both will probably feel safer not engaging in anything sexual for a long while, if ever, and as for romance, I think it'll probably take on a very fragile, small-gestures-of-care type of form that's more reminiscent of familial love and care rather than passionate. Both will have struggles expressing their minds, their wants and needs freely, both will be scared of physical touch probably, but then there's that image of Jeyne, half-dead herself, extending empathy to Theon and stroking his cheek telling him "you saved me", so there's that part of caring about someone already that seems like some glimmer of hope for both of them. If Theon makes it out alive through the books, I can see him ending up on the Iron Islands and her married to him for protection's sake (seeing as she's got no-one else in the world, and he has proven himself to care for her by saving her from Bolton Winterfell; while nobody else will care enough about her, or him or even be remotely positive towards him to facilitate some other marriage. She's only a steward's daugther, but a minor noble house is still a noble house, so I don't see why in-world class issues would make this impossible. It would grant both of them a safe space to recover from the abuse through each other's now safe company, and maybe find a way to love and be loved despite being more or less dead to the rest of society for various reasons. [...]

Jeyne and Theon - I think their relationship is really interesting to explore as a kind of co-dependant comforting thing where no one else quite understands their shared trauma and neither of them quite trust anyone else any more. But also they have this really soft affection for each other and see things in each other that no one else does. I think they're both seen as kind of irredeemably broken and pathetic post-Ramsay but they see the strength and kindness and value in each other that no one else can.

theon jeyne: i generally prefer nonsexual interactions, however there are ways of doing sexuality that i can like: when it is initiated by and demanded by jeyne who seeks some form of reenactment or redress or nonviolent experience or corrective with theon that she considers safe/available for this and with a theon who is reluctant at best. i like intense dangerous codependency. i don't think regular romance is available to them or rather what they have is already past that.

Asides from those, not so many changes. I think the bigger and better outcome was just learning to be less judgemental and more open. I am honestly happy of having done the survey even if sometimes I wanted to stick my head in the oven.

It's incredibly difficult to find meaningful friendships - especially with other men. When you grow older, I think you also know exactly what you like or dislike. You know what you're looking for in others. What's the problem? You have no time anymore. You need to work, you need to raise a family, you need to (oftentimes) handle bills, healthcare, etc.

There's a real cost/benefit analysis later in life. Do I want to potentially WASTE my time searching for connection with other guys to make meaningful friendships when, 1) we might not even like each other that much, or 2) all the work that goes into meeting people now (online?)

This is something that caused me to take a glimpse internally. Why have so many of my most meaningful friendships been with women? Why do I seek out the attention and friendship of women instead of other men? Am I THAT emotionally needy? Hah!

Well, thinking about earlier - there's a niche of what I'm interested in and it's pretty much any article that's about "top ten ways to make new friends as a guy" doesn't include what I want to be doing. I spent a lot of time chasing women and dating, though - I'm good at talking to women (or so I think!) Going back to the cost/benefit - I know how to talk to women, I know where to find them, and I am more comfortable talking about the things I'm interested in with them. I don't give a duck about a football lol

I love the work I do, for the most part. I do have some connections with guys from work. The problem, though? There's that extra layer of WORK! It's my livelihood and I'm the sole provider for my family. What I can't do anymore is shit where I eat - or risk souring my professional opportunities because of bad friendships or experiences at work.

This is a cautionary tale. I know I'm in the risk category despite never thinking about it. There are highs and lows we all go through - I think back at the peak when I was the most social. It was exhausting - it took up pretty much all of my time to grow and maintain a broad network of friends (both male and female). What man in their 30s/40s between work and family has the kind of time to build new relationships let alone maintain existing? I get it!

There's this saying with old military buddies that they can go for years without speaking to one another and then pick-up right where they left off as if nothing changed years later. Is that a good thing? I feel like part of it speaks to guys knowing everything sucks and just be happy someone remembers your name, but what scares me is ... how have you not changed!? I feel like I'm almost a completely different person every 3-5 years. Do people stay the same? I don't want to stay the same - I want to always find ways to grow and change.

My big fear. Your partner should want to be your best friend, lover, caretaker - but what if that want becomes a need? Is there a corresponding increase in codependency, BPD, and NPD that follows the decrease in male friendships? We really set ourselves up for disaster in this society!

The difference between "want" and "need" to me is like the difference when someone asks you to do something versus telling you to do something. I tie this in with the patriotic American exceptionalism propaganda non-sense we're all filled with as kids. "Freedom! Independence! You don't need anyone's help. Live free or die. Lead, follow, or get out of the way. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps." aka don't do anything anyone tells you!

I've absolutely found myself in a situation where I've been told to do something, I know it's the right thing to do, I know I need to do it, I was even PLANNING on doing it, but the simple act of being told makes me hate doing it. Why are we like that? I hope I'm never a burden!

I guess I have to put in the work to make everyone happy - even me!

Well, that's it.

https://www.latimes.com/lifestyle/newsletter/2023-10-10/more-than-1-in-7-men-have-no-close-friends-the-way-we-socialize-boys-is-to-blame-group-therapy

so im just sitting in jfk thinking thoughts and ignoring cam and catching up on our trr2 replay and my mind is wandering to the land of wasted potential… like an Olivia spin off backstory whatever because the TENSION in bk2 where she’s like ‘Hes marrying her and in love with you etc etc’ and she runs off hurts my heart 💔 if we got to choose how the story played out in a true choose ur own adventure doo you think liam/adam x Olivia could be a thing? Do you think they ever were???

And in that camping scene pls give me ur hc on Audrey x Drake bc my girl Anya still hasn’t kissed the bloke by then and is she horny on main 🥲😅

LMAOO as you should good to know you have your priorities in check <333 but nah fr dom i hope you’re feeling alot better now!!

also omg YES both me & audrey in the camp of feel bad for her because you can tell that liam is the only person she’s ever loved & omg she’s loved him for AGES crown or no crown it’s always been liam for her. & im actually in the camp of people who believe that yeah, olivia x the prince could be a real thing!! i really like their fire & ice dynamic, & i would totally live for an au where olivia moves on post engagement fail but was liam’s biggest support system post his heartbreak but then liam starts seeing her in a different light & starts get jealous and shit & then is like wait why am i jealous oh no….. oh wait…… it can’t be…… i want HER to be pined after i want the one who’s pined their whole life to be the one who’s pined for (a la loml pen <333) but yk at the end of the day im maddie & olivia ride or die. but tell me your thoughts!!!! i need to know 💗💗💗

also AHHHHH the camping scene another one of my fav scenes honestly the writers were truly feeding us drake romancers in book2 <333 but also BESTIE anya has more self restraint than me or audrey because goddamn. no but like the way he takes it so seriously & is giving out orders is so adorable to her like is this man fr. and that scene where she goes in the tent she’s kinda like wtf am i doing the prince im supposed to marry is literally right next to us have i lost my mind?!? & then he’s all like wtf are you doing here & this bitch is just like i need body heat <333 and he’s just like shit oh yeah true (like WHAT. i can’t tell if the choices drake knows that the mc is being fr or nah. kinda like the vibe of drake taking camping & the mc’s well-being so seriously that he’s just like yup! okay valid!) —- but anyways the scene where the mc is like you take it so seriously you were barking out orders & then drake is like wait did i ruin it :( with his sad face AHHHH i swear audrey wanted to kiss that adorable little pout from his face she’s like nah it was cute & he’s like cute? and she’s like yeah 🥰 & then he’s all like what else can i do to make your experience more memorable miss huntzberger like shut UP they’re such dorks!! but also i SWEAR mr. walker was down to fornicate (the true meaning of dtf btw!!) in those woods like if fuckin maxwell ugh i really dislike him more & more each play hadn’t interrupted i swear they would have fucked like this man was really like yeah next time we’re coming to the woods alone im gonna go down on you all night you can be as loud as you want baby. but yeah the whole time anya was just thinking of how much she wants this simple life with him how easy & right it feels how right he feels ugh she’s so in love it’s actually sickening to witness.

Good afternoon! (Or whatever time it is for you 😄) I’ve been sort of asking around various polyamorous people about being poly, as I’ve been questioning if I might be poly myself. In particular I notice that you have poly and in a relationship in your pinned, does that mean you have a sort of primary partner? And in which case, how do you balance your main relationship and then other secondary partners/relationships/etc? (Given that you have other partners of course) 

Sorry this is so lengthy, I just really like hearing actual peoples experience, it helps me understand better versus just a google search, if that makes sense. Again, if this is too invasive/just too much feel free to ignore! I’m not sure if this is out of place to ask an NSFW account, haha. Side note, love your account!

omg hi! this is actually a very thoughtful ask. i think everyone has a different comfort level of the kinds of asks/personal info they want to share or answer on a blog like this-- i happen to be a pretty open book. and i'm also a firm believer in queer people talking with other queer people to support each other and learn together.

i wouldn't be nearly as aware of my likes, dislikes, sexual preferences, etc. if it hadn't been for the conversations and experiences i've had with other queer people in my life irl and online.

all that being said, i'm definitely no expert but it seems like you're aware of that and just want some real people experiences to gather info from.

when it comes to my partner: i've been with my gf for about 5 years now, living together for about 3. we're both trans and both started hormones together last year. she's my whole world and the woman i want to marry one day. i discovered my polyamory preferences by just basically blurting out one day that i think i may experience attraction and romantic love with other people but that it definitely did not detract or interfere with my love and attraction to her. at the time i had a best friend who i fell for and she could tell and was respectful and cautious because she didn't want me to feel bad for having my obvious feelings for this person. she actually said she felt the same way too about other people and we just had a very long (and still ongoing, the conversation never ends when you are honest and open about sex and love) discussion about what kinds of boundaries, feelings, and other things we want or felt.

that was about 2 years ago and since then we have both slept with and dated other people. it hasn't always been smooth--there have been boundaries (accidentally) crossed and some hurt feelings while i try to balance my priorities.

i am constantly learning how to prioritize her in ways that make her feel loved and wanted by me while i still have my experiences. i will be honest, i am not perfect and have definitely gotten carried away before with forgetting to check in with her. i struggle with a lot of different things and communication has always been one thing i enjoy but am not always great at. i tend to be avoidant, so being in an open relationship has really forced me to reckon with that aspect of myself and develop better communication skills.

people often ask us how we stay together and the answer is we talk about everything. e v e r y t h i n g. we're also madly in love, she excited me every fucking day. but i cannot stress this enough. if something feels weird, we talk about it, if it feels good we talk about it, if my heart is broken by someone who isn't her i talk about it and she does the same. we talk about how other people treat us to learn about how we want to treat each other while still respecting personal privacy of our other partners/dates/etc.

as for the term "primary" partner... i have never liked that. by traditional definitions, yes she is my "primary". but it feels weird to me. a term i have found i really like is nesting partner. she and i have built a life, family (our kitty), and home together. she is my home, she holds my heart and takes priority over other people i am seeing in the sense that she is my family. however, she and i both know we are capable of falling in love with others; she had another boyfriend for about 8 months last year and they told each other that they loved each other. i didn't feel like i was less important or taking "first place" in her heart either.

as for myself, i haven't really had a solid second partner...i have had about two or three friends over the past couple years that i have gone out with, slept with, and dated but never called it anything other than hanging out and never confessed any romantic feelings for each other. there was one boy i really fell for and he broke my heart, very recently. my girlfriend was extremely supportive and let me talk through everything i needed and still does when it comes up.

one of my more consistent fwb (friend with benefits-- old term but reliable) is someone that i help out with cleaning, groceries, and other household tasks because that's how i care for her specifically. sometimes we make out and we've talked about fucking eventually but we mostly just cuddle and fantasize and i take care of her in a lot of ways. but the first conversation we had was "hey you're hot but i don't think i want to or will fall in love with you or anyone else right now but let's still care about each other". and it's been refreshing-- i have no expectations of her and she doesn't of me either; other than respect and fun.

so i guess that's what it boils down to: identify how you care about other people. think about how you love and who you love. have you ever honestly been attracted to more than one person at a time? does that attraction go as far as sex? or is it an admiration of a pretty person. do you want to have a consistent partner and only hook up with others or do you want more than one partner that you live with? do you want to love two people separately or do you want to be in love with multiple people who are also in love and you all sleep with each other? as long as you are honest, safe, and respectful, there is no wrong way to be polyamorous.

thanks again for the ask and congratulations if you read this whole thing. i hope you have a great day and feel free to ask anything else you'd like!

Culturally Responsive Pedagogy

Aditi Jain

The way I understood Jeffrey Dessources’ “everyone is an educator” is that because of everyone’s unique experiences, there is something to learn from every person you meet. There are no two people who have experienced the same things in the same way. Thus all people have been taught different life lessons that have led them to be successful or not so successful. Speaking to different people, whether you find them to have more or less experience than you, or even if you feel that they are “less successful” than you, can give you perspectives on issues that you would maybe never have considered. This applies inversely as well. Everyone can be considered a student because there is something to learn from everyone around you. Even students/children. The students we teach will have experiences that differ from our own, so they will have their own stories to tell. Furthermore, as mentioned in the video, technology and popular culture is always changing, and it’s not always easy to follow along. The newer generations will always be the first to be introduced to new trends, and so it’s important for educators to approach each day with the mind of a student so that we are able to adapt to and understand those new technologies so that we can connect with our pupils; and often on the way, use that technology to make our own lives easier. 

Culturally responsive teaching means realizing that you will always be learning from your students. Students need different things based on their life experiences and there is no formula that can be applied to all of them. Thus, it’s important to view all aspects of culture when teaching: whether it be race, ethnicity, gender, sexuality, popular culture, exclusive tribes, religion, technology, etc. Furthermore, these schemas are always changing, so mindsets that may have applied 5 years ago or even just a year ago may have changed. Culturally responsive teaching means being receptive to those changes. Most importantly, however, culturally responsive teaching means being a nice teacher. I’ve always had bad experiences with teachers and that really affected the way I perceived my entire life– whether it was my abilities, my likes and dislikes, and even my goals. Being positive and a kind person to your students regardless of the irritants that they may pose can change your childrens’ lives. Obviously, there is no way to be the perfect teacher. All people carry with them prejudices that will take time to untangle and learn about. However, being kind to your students despite those ingrained prejudices, and being open to learn about the multifaceted lives of these students makes an educator culturally responsive.  Regarding the competency continuum, I think I probably sit somewhere in between pre-competence and blindness? I think that I am perhaps slightly more knowledgeable about humanitarian issues than some of my peers. I often find myself reading the news and getting educated on social justice matters more often than the people around me, because I grew up around a family that was always conscious of political issues. However, my advocacy only goes that far. Keeping myself educated and on top of these issues is important to me, but I hardly go out of my way to advocate actively for causes. I.e, I wouldn’t find myself at a protest, or raising money for a cause. I donate to causes that are important to me, i.e national center for missing children, or during the black lives matter protests within the last few years, and I make sure to vote in local, state, and national elections, but since I’ve become an adult I haven’t done much else. My friends and I also don’t actively engage in conversations about these subjects. Although occasionally I am inclined to talk about these issues, oftentimes my friends don’t have any information on these issues and/or serious conversations aren’t in our communication style. As such, it’s hard to say that I’m anything more than pre-competent or even blind to these issues. Since I am very privileged there are only a handful of issues that affect me, and so I don’t do as much as I should in regards to using my privilege to help others. In order to redeem this, I think it’s important for me to bring up these serious topics in my daily conversations with my friends. Breaking those superficial communication barriers to spread awareness about causes that are important to me as well as being able to understand my peers’ viewpoints is essential for me to learn more about the humanitarian crises that people suffer through in my community.

Hi, I have a question re:sex and Christianity. Small background: I still go to church, and I still live with my parents even though I'm not much younger than you, because housing is very very expensive where I live (pretty common here, I would say about 2/3 of my friends live with their parents and we are decently privileged kids)

Anyway. How does one get over purity culture? To be clear, I've never been told in church not to have sex, I've never gotten the gendered lessons that you got. But I am terrified of having sex. My first real, multi-year relationship just ended and while there was hand stuff etc, there was never any p in v sex (lol I feel 12). But I still had insane anxiety about being pregnant despite being on bc. And I think its because I know my parents would be so disappointed if I had sex. And if I was pregnant I could imagine all the gossip. And honestly I think im from a pretty open church, b/c one of our previous ministers kids recently got married at 8 months pregnant and lots of church people were at the wedding and supportive and her parents were there and everything.

I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???

(Asking because it seems like you've been pretty open about purity culture/removing yourself from it)

CW for sex talk (again)

How does one get over purity culture?

Oh man. That really is the million-dollar question, huh? Obviously, I can only answer re my personal experiences, and this is something you should talk to a therapist about, but I can tell you how I’ve tackled it with my therapist at least.

Purity culture is, at its core, an ideology that is perpetuated by shame. If you’re indoctrinated into purity culture when you’re a kid, the concepts become baked into the way you construct your identity, your perception of self, and your perception of your sexuality. It’s practically intrinsic, by the time you’re an adult, to feel shame any time you’re reminded you have a body, much less a sexuality.

According to the chapels I sat through every week as a kid, a girl's body could be 3 things: an intentional stumbling block for men, an accidental stumbling block for men, or unnoticeable. Women were to strive for the third option so as to keep their (and their male friends/authority figures) purity intact. After all, if a boy, or even your male teacher, had impure thoughts about you, it was your fault for tempting them (which, holy shit. I still can’t believe that was a thing I bought into for so long. If my 45 yr old grown-ass teacher had impure thoughts because he could see my 12 yr old collarbone, that sure as hell wasn’t my fault. But I digress.) The Only time a woman’s body can be something else, is when she gives it to her husband, at which point she must suddenly flip the switch in her brain that she is now allowed to be a Sexual Being and she must perform Sexual Duties despite living in outright fear of her own body and sexuality for years (decades?) up until this point. Jesus take the wheel.

Purity culture isn’t a thing you can just decide to walk away from if you’ve grown up in it. Because its ideology is insidious and internalized. So first you need to submit to the fact that you’re going to be fucked up about sex. It sounds like you’re there. Second, you need to interrogate what you believe. If you’re leaving religion behind entirely, you’ll approach removing yourself from purity culture differently than if you still identify as a Christian. It sounds like you might be the latter, which meant, for me, separating what’s actually biblical and what’s shitty, contrived, doctrine that I was told is biblical but is actually more political than spiritual. This helps you address the shame issue.

You need to throw away I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Lady in Waiting and all those ridiculous books you read and reread in the hopes of somehow obtaining impossible marriage perfection and look into actual scripture interpreted within its historical context. I could write a book on this, but the TL;DR is that the text of the Bible was written, translated, curated, and changed multiple times over thousands of years by human beings with human biases and, often, personal and/or political agendas. It contradicts itself! Reading it as it is—a flawed historical document—rather than some sort of God-breathed perfect document—is incredibly freeing. When you do, you’ll probably realize that purity culture is bullshit on a spiritual level. Which is a good start, if that matters to you. Because any time you start to feel shame or guilt you can ask yourself: does God actually care if I wear a bikini or touch a dick I’m not married to? Probably not. Wear the bikini. Touch the dick.

The most important therapy session for me was when my therapist asked what I would do if I got to heaven and God was actually the God I’d been raised to fear. What would I do if he condemned me for being bisexual and having premarital sex and becoming educated, for arguing with men, and failing to isolate while menstruating, and wearing mixed fabrics? If Montero had come out at the point, I probably would have said I’d pole dance down to hell. Instead, I said I would spit on heaven’s gates. If a god that cruel and that pointlessly demeaning really exists—a god who would create in me condemned desire—I won't worship him. The good news is, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t exist. At the very least, he isn’t supported by scripture.

Okay. The final thing you need to do is figure out what you actually want, sexually speaking. This bit is probably the hardest. I’m still in the early stages of this myself. You say: “I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???” Bro, I wish I had an easy answer for you. For me, whenever I’m feeling anxious about Sex Things, I tell myself: 1. My God does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 2. My partner does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 3. I do not equate my worth to my sexual habits. It seems silly, but reminding myself of those three things is massively helpful. If, after I’ve sorted through those, I’m still anxious or uncomfortable, I stop doing the thing. I evaluate. Am I overwhelmed and I need to try again some other time? Do I just not like the thing? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Sometimes you change your mind. Sometimes you just don’t know. That’s why having a partner who you trust and who’s willing to patiently explore your interests (and respect your disinterests) is so important. Half the battle, for me, was having a partner who told me they’d be ok with no sex at all. Because that took the pressure off me. If the bare minimum they need is nothing, then anything more than that is a bonus! Hooray! This is maybe TMI, but let me tell you. I thought I was asexual* right up until I was able to have moderately non-anxious sex. Never in my life did I think I would initiate a sexual situation but… I do now. It’s a fun thing to do with a person I love and, holy shit. I am furious that I nearly missed out on it.

Finally, re birth control: I don’t know how you can approach that fear in a way that works for you. If you don’t want to ever have penetrative sex, that’s fine! If that’s a point of anxiety you can’t get rid of, then don't push yourself to do it. If you find out you like other sex things, do the other sex things! If you don't like doing any sex things, don't do any sex things! Also, have you considered sleeping with people who can’t get you pregnant? Always an option if it’s an option you want to consider. ;)

Okay. I hope this was even a little bit helpful. Sorry if it’s a little convoluted, I typed it up in bursts during my work breaks.

*This is not at all to say that asexuality can be “fixed." Rather, it’s to say that things like purity culture can drastically confuse your sexuality in general. If you’re asexual, then this process is still important to discover what you like/dislike. Then you can be explicit about those necesities and find a partner who’s a good fit (if you want a partner at all, that is).

killshot anon! YEAH i totally agree w/ your view on kaeya. it's so weird to me that people will blame him for his role in a situation he was forced into as a child through no choice of his own. that itself had to be traumatic, not to mention everything that happened later. i hate when people say he's untrustworthy - like yeah, he's lied, so has everyone? it's clear he does it mostly to protect himself. not to mention that (& sadism) can be symptoms of trauma. kaeya deserves nothing but happiness

take a seat folks it’s time for a “brynn should’ve been an english major” lesson! today we’re gonna learn some literary theory; specifically, we’re gonna apply psychoanalytical trauma theory to kaeya’s backstory and current character. killshot anon i bet you never thought this would result in a whole ass essay.

disclaimer one! you are allowed to dislike kaeya! i am not saying you need to like him or his character, you’re entitled to your opinion and i’m not here to change your mind.

disclaimer two! i am in no way an expert and this is all for fun! this is just my silly little analysis of one of my favorite characters as someone who’s studied literary theory and rhetoric and can also apply personal experience. seriously analysis is like a hobby to me and this is just an excuse for me to ramble about kaeya.

disclaimer three! this contains lots of spoilers! basically for everything we know in-game, general knowledge as well as stuff from his voicelines and character story. don’t read this if you don’t want spoilers.

since this is going to be filled with spoilers and is about to get really long, everything will be under a cut. for those who wanna read my dumb super informal essay: enjoy!

final note: yeah this is over 2000 words long can you tell i like analysis

⭒

let’s start by getting a quick rundown of trauma theory out of the way. to begin, what is “trauma?” in this case, trauma is going to refer to an experience that greatly affects and changes one’s life; attitudes, memories, behaviors, mental state, etc. while not all changes may be bad, per se, the overall effect of trauma is generally a negative one, which is why it’s so significant. literary trauma theory, then, explores these changes and the impact of trauma in literature. it analyzes the psychological and social effects of trauma, explaining what those effects are and why they happen. in the context of a specific character, trauma theory breaks down said character’s behaviors, feelings, and general mentality in relation to their past experiences; trauma theory hopes to explain to others the reasons for why a character may act or feel the way they do, all based upon the character’s experiences, particularly traumatic ones. our character today is the lovely kaeya alberich, with the “literature” being genshin impact. i’ll be referencing kaeya’s wiki page to ensure i get all details correct for his character story and voicelines.

it would be good to review kaeya’s backstory before delving into the actual analysis. though we don’t know much about his life before living in mondstadt, we’re told he was sent as an agent of khaenri’ah. and by “sent,” i mean his biological father abandoned him in a completely unfamiliar land to serve khaenri’ah’s interests and fullfil his mission—what this entirely entails hasn’t been revealed. mondstadt, however, welcomed kaeya “with open arms when they found him.” crepus ragnvindr took him in as his adopted son, with diluc as his adopted brother. kaeya and diluc were “almost like twins,” so close they “[knew] each other’s thoughts and intentions without a word.” he’d began a new life in mondstadt, one surrounded by friends and family that loved him; one that was completely shattered by crepus’s death. kaeya arrived at the scene of the disaster, and was led to believe diluc was the one who killed their father to “set his father free” from the effects of his delusion. there’d always been one big question in kaeya’s life: if it came down to it, who would he support? the nation that abandoned him, but he still felt loyal to, or the nation and family that took him in and really loved him? overrun with guilt, kaeya confessed his purpose to diluc, sparking a fight between the two brothers. in this fight, kaeya receives his cryo vision. though both brothers stepped away alive, they’ve never been able to make peace with one another. now, kaeya is the eccentric and charming cavalry captain of the knights of favonius; a man who gets his way by using any means necessary, regardless of whether or not it seems right.

kaeya’s not evil; he’s morally ambiguous, and that stems from what appears to be a general distrust of others. his life is one shrouded in secrecy. from the moment he stepped foot into mondstadt, he was surrounded by secrets. even now, he doesn’t talk about a lot of things, namely his past, vision, and feelings. though he’s always willing to get information out of others, kaeya never reveals anything about himself. he repeatedly tells the player they can confide in him, but whenever you try and pry into his life, he deflects your questions with some sort of witty comment or flirty remark. anything he does reveal is vague, or spoken in some sort of “code.” for example, his “interesting things” voiceline. he tells us about the owl of dragonspine, how it “seems to look right through you, while letting go of none of its own secrets,” and then tacks on a “quite fascinating, don’t you think?” it seems like an awfully accurate parallel to himself; kaeya does all he can to get information from others, but never gives anything about himself. now, this whole thing—his relationship with diluc falling apart and his need for secrecy—could have probably been avoided if he had just come clean about his mission years ago. so why didn’t he? to start, kaeya was a literal child. not only are children unable to properly tell the difference between right and wrong, but they’ll also typically follow their parents’ orders blindly. kaeya had just been abandoned, and he wouldn’t want to risk being cast out by mondstadt as well if he came clean right away. you see, there’s this thing about trauma, something that trauma theory states. traumatized people feel a sort of shame or guilt regarding their traumatic experience; they’ll keep quiet because they don’t want to cause problems or bother others with their issues. of course kaeya wouldn’t tell the truth about his past, he doesn’t want to destroy the genuinely loving relationships he’d built in mondstadt. his fight with diluc only proves what he was afraid of: if he’s honest, he’ll be abandoned again. and if kaeya’s used to all the lies, why should he bother changing?

another thing, if he’s not going to tell the truth, then why would he have initially gone along with his father’s plans? again, he was a child. he really had no choice, and was forced into a very wrong and cruel situation. there’s a good explanation for this, too, which is also stated in trauma theory; traumatized people will still do their best to please their abusers. especially if said abuser is a parent, that will drive traumatized people to work even harder to please them. although his father hurt him by ruthlessly abandoning him, kaeya still sought to make him and his homeland proud. he was willing to be used as a tool for their gain; that is, until he found people who actually cared about him. he was an impressionable child, of course he’s going to obey orders. but as he gets older, he feels torn. does he serve those who abandoned him, or those that took him in? his father—and arguably, khaenri’ah as a whole—hurt him, sure, but he still feels some loyalty and connection to his former home. instead of revealing anything, he lets the situation play out. that way, he can’t be blamed when things fall apart.

the thing about claiming he’s untrustworthy is that hardly anyone in-game believes that. he’s adored by the older folks in mondstadt, and foes and allies alike find him easy to talk to. despite seeming lazy and uninterested in work, kaeya takes his job very seriously. in fact, his story states that crepus’s death was the “first and only time kaeya failed in his duty.” the “only time” is especially important, because it signifies kaeya still fulfills his duties successfully. he’s had a total of one slip-up, and hasn’t failed since. no, kaeya is not untrustworthy. rather, kaeya finds everyone else untrustworthy. it’s not unlikely that this is a direct consequence of being abandoned as a child. although it’s been established that kaeya and diluc were very close as children, when crepus dies, kaeya assumes diluc is the one that killed him. in order to jump to such an extreme conclusion against someone he was so close to, there had to be some underlying sense of distrust. furthermore, kaeya expresses feeling as though he doesn’t belong anywhere. he was abandoned by khaenri’ah, and then worried he wouldn’t be accepted by mondstadt. he is, but there’s still that worry. if you place him in your teapot as a companion, he tells you that your home feels like someplace he belongs, following it up with a “heh, who’d have thought…” kaeya still feels as though he doesn’t belong in mondstadt; despite the fact that he’s a high-ranking knight of favonius and rather popular, he still feels like an outsider. he doesn’t trust that anyone actually wants him around, and he finds joy in testing peoples’ trustworthiness. it’s noted in his story and through his voicelines that the beloved cavalry captain has a rather sadistic nature. he likes putting people into difficult situations, to see what decisions they will make. he does this to both opponents and allies, testing to see who’s going to back out and who’ll keep fighting; in the sake of allies, who can he trust? or who will turn tail and abandon their teammates at the slightest hint of danger? i mentioned it previously, but kaeya doesn’t care what measures he has to take so long as his job gets done and he gets the answers he wants. it’s a sort of self-preserving mindset, putting himself above the safety of others. kaeya’s trying to protect himself, which makes sense with all he’s been through. he doesn’t want to be hurt, and instead finds pleasure in threatening harm upon others. it’s twisted, sure, but it’s because he can only trust himself in a world that he believes is out to get him. he’s got as many enemies—if not more—as he does allies; of course kaeya focuses on protecting himself first, whether physically or through keeping his secrets, well, secret.

his most obvious traumatic effect is definitely his alcoholism. but he uses it as a distraction, not just to wallow in self-pity. this is seen again in his story, particularly in story 3. it’s found that when his favorite drink, death after noon, is out of season, mondstadt’s crime rate is decreased drastically. at face value, this just means kaeya spends more time working when death after noon is low in supply. but kaeya doesn’t skip work to go to taverns; it’s already been established he takes his job very seriously, so this means he actually patrols and tracks down threats while off work when he can’t indulge in his favorite alcoholic drink. he doesn’t get drunk simply because he’s depressed. if he did, there wouldn’t be a drop in incidents when death after noon is out of season. no, kaeya uses both the alcohol and fighting to distract himself. after all, it’s a little hard to think about feeling sad when you’re either drunk out of your mind or fighting for your life.

despite being so secretive, kaeya gives us glimpses of his true emotions from time to time. as previously mentioned, his flirty attitude is nothing more than a mask to hide how he really feels; and kaeya is terribly, terribly lonely. that may be why he seems so extroverted. constantly being around people should, logically, drive away that feeling, but it doesn’t work like that. when he talks with the player, he frequently expresses disappointment when you have to leave. each time, though, he dampens the weight of his words with playful or flirty language. he’s lonely, but doesn’t want you to know that, like he’s afraid of asking you to stay. he takes the seriousness of his feelings, and basically bends it into some sort of lighthearted joke. kaeya hides his true feelings—negative feelings, to be exact—so that he doesn’t bother anyone. which is, again, something that happens with traumatized people. he displays that hesitance to reveal his true feelings, because there’s a shame or guilt that comes with his past. he doesn’t want to bother others or hold them back, so he puts on a smile and amps up the charisma. one other very important thing—but very small detail—i would like to note is his feelings toward family. his fell apart not even once, but twice, and kaeya still holds familial relationships in high regard. we know he doesn’t exactly care how he goes about getting his work done. he doesn’t pay attention to what’s “right” or “wrong,” so long as he gets what he needs. but one of his informants, vile, notes that the cavalry captain has one exception: he won’t work with those who threaten others’ families. in fact, kaeya claims those who do should be hunted down and destroyed. even though his own families have caused him so much pain—and he ended up estranged from both—he still understands the importance of having people who love you in your life. because he didn’t get that.

kaeya’s not evil. ultimately, as a knight of favonius, his goal is to protect others, because no one was there to protect him. and because no one was there to protect him, because he’s been hurt time and time again by people who were supposed to love him, kaeya has taken to protecting himself. he hides any and all negative feelings with a charismatic, friendly façade, because he thinks it’ll drive away his persistent loneliness. any “bad” actions of his were hardly his fault; he was forced into a life of secrecy and lies, and then abandoned by the first people who truly loved him. kaeya’s a multi-faceted, tragic character, one that toes the line between good and evil, and that’s what makes him so interesting.

Another day in the jatp fandom, another controversy. As a preface, this post is really just going to be me saying: everyone needs to fucking relax. I’m tired of people calling other people out using weighty terms for no reason, I’m tired of people harassing others over something as trivial as an actor’s view on social issues, and I’m just tired of people not staying in their own circles. That’s basically a TL;DR for you all.

So, about this blocklist. Let’s get into it, shall we?

First, my main issue with this list (and I think a lot of other people’s) is use of the words “pedophilic tendencies”. I cannot understate how harmful it is to draw a false equivalence between real, actual pedophiles and smut writers on the internet. We must remember: these are fictional characters who happen to be teenagers, not real children who can be victimized. Calling adult smut writers pedophilic trivializes actual pedophilia, child porn, and CSA. When terms are watered down like this, the term begins to lose meaning. It is okay if smut written by adults about teenagers makes you uncomfortable, but it does not make the authors themselves pedophiles. Not even close.

Second, minors write smut just like adults do. The weirdest thing about this post is the fact that other minors were knowingly included on the blocklist (ie, “most writers are adults” according to the post) which suggests that the issue is with smut itself and not with who’s writing it. As I’ve said before, it is perfectly okay if you want to avoid nsfw content (which is why we have tags, by the way), but making a blocklist based solely on explicit content where you use the word pedophilia is really “not the move”, so to speak. Here’s the thing. I’m seventeen years old, which makes me a minor. I’ve written smut for this fandom, I am writing smut currently, and I will continue to write it. To suggest that smut in and of itself is bad is strange to me. Guess what? People have sex. Teenagers have sex. It’s a part of life, and it will be included in stories about people’s lives. And in comparison to other forms of explicit content like pornography, smut is a great way for young teens who are growing into their bodies to explore and learn about sex and sexuality outside of reality in a safe, contained space.

Third, there is a very big difference between adults writing about teenagers who happen to be having sex and adults sexualizing kids through writing. I’ve been around the block a few times in explicit tags, and at least I find I can always tell the difference between these two types of content. I’d also like to say that these adults (many of whom are still in their 20s, btw) were teenagers once and grew into their sexuality just like everyone else; it’s not like they’ve been separated from the experience! As a smut writer myself, rarely do I find myself personally thinking “this is hot”. I’m writing from the perspective of a character who thinks it’s hot! There is nuance and character development and thought to writing smut, yes, even pwp fics. In this section I would also like to address the fact that several of the people on this list are my friends and mutuals in this fandom. They are all lovely people who have their own reasons for writing what they write and their reason is never “ah yes I feel like sexualizing children today”. It is very shitty to make assumptions about people you don’t know and say they have pedophilic tendencies. That’s a weighty and unfounded accusation. And no, as a minor, I have never felt uncomfortable around any of them.

Fourth, many of these writers have written wonderful non-explicit fics as well! It’s a shame to write these authors off entirely because they’ve written smut. You don’t like sex scenes? Great! Exclude E and M ratings when you browse ao3. Also, some of these adult authors write fic where they age the characters up, probably because it’s closer to their own experience and it makes them more comfortable. They are literally doing exactly what you want them to do by not creating content about minors having sex. Also, I’d like to point out that Charlie is 22, Owen is 20, and Jeremy is 24, and the majority of smut is about the boys. I don’t think I should have to explain why it’s okay for other 20 somethings to view them in a sexual context, even if their characters are 17. Regardless, many of the perceived issues with these writers as people and also with their work simply do not exist.

Fifth, the number one rule of fanfiction is don’t like, don’t read. I myself have seen several nsfw fics in the jatp tag that I have cringed at and chosen not to read because of their tags, summaries, pairings, etc. And that’s okay! But never have I sent hate to these authors, called them pedos, or made large callout posts about them. I simply ignore or block the content and go on about my day. I’m not about to “yuck someone’s yum”, as it were, and I’m not going to be the moral police and tell people some type of content is wrong in all circumstances, even if I find it personally disgusting or ethically questionable. People are always going to write whatever they feel compelled to write, and the great thing about the internet is that we all have the space to express ourselves differently. As others have said, fandom is big enough for everyone. Here’s a nice little example. I’ve been in the Narnia fandom for years now. The four main characters are siblings, so there’s a lot of incest fic. I personally dislike incest fic and think it’s morally questionable, and so do many of my mutuals. We have conversations in private spaces where we tell one another who to block to avoid seeing that content, and every time I go in the ao3 tag I filter out those pairings. But never have we made public lists calling out people we didn’t know, and never have we sent derisive comments their way. Everyone must learn to keep to their own circles and curate their own feeds for fandom to be a positive experience. Everyone must learn to listen to other people and accept that everything has nuance. Everyone must be learn to be kind. As my choir teacher says, “there is never an excuse for being rude”. And when controversy must happen, let’s all be respectful, mature, and level headed in our discourse with one another.

In conclusion, this fandom has an issue with telling people what they can and cannot do or create, and that’s wrong. Fandom is supposed to be a free, positive environment. It is our duty to keep it that way. Thank you for your time.

While I am grumbling on the internet this is also the point where I would say that tragic and dark and, yes, horrific content is important not only because it is art in and of itself but also because of the impact that media and narrative consumption has on our socialization and ability to understand and engage with complex scenarios in real life.

We live in a very very large world with a trillion different things happening all at once, smashed together on our timelines and dashboards and front page news. It is very difficult to navigate that, period. It’s even harder to navigate the nuances, biases, and factors contributing to those if we have no experience or framework for doing so on our own.

Fiction provides a relatively safe and low-stakes place for us to interact with concepts like—what if this person is rlly likable but has also committed atrocities? What if this person seems like a shithead or hits my personal dislikes but is actually trying really hard to do the right thing? What if there simply are no “right” answers? How do I decide how I feel about that and how/whether to act on those feelings?

Without having practice thinking through these things and coming to our own conclusions, we will always fall back on the frameworks we have been provided—religion, national values, family practice, etc. And these things can also be useful and helpful—but as we’re pretty well aware, they can also be dogmatic and rooted in prejudicial beliefs and harmful practices. If we aren’t used to questioning and making decisions on our own, we are more susceptible to making judgment calls that align with those ingrained beliefs.

And if we’re only ever exposed to obvious moral scenarios (knight in shining armor vs evil greedy dragon), then we are more likely to replicate those perspectives with each new problem we encounter—despite the fact that very very veeery few real world issues are so clear cut.

So yeah, I don’t think minors should be forced to read traumatic material that’s really going to fuck them up. I don’t think anyone should be. But I do think there is unique value in teens especially being allowed to and supported in decisions to engage with difficult, dark, or gruesome material precisely because they are at a transitional point in maturity and aging where they are starting to more actively build their own frames for viewing the world and are of an age where they can either handle the material or can make the decision for themselves to close the book and move to something else.

(And obv tbc I don’t think you have to engage fiction as a Learning Opportunity or whatever. You can read/write about your sexy little murderer mew mew or about your heroic golden savior and not fuss over the real world application of the philosophy reflected in the work. But I do think there’s value in recognizing that fiction can and does provide opportunities for critical thinking and development.)

Tell me about internalized arophobia please, thanks

I have been struggling with putting down my thoughts/ feelings for this ask for months, and I finally just did what I do best and did some research. I looked up internalized homophobia and obviously not all of these will apply to arophobia (or to everyone) but it’s a good place to expand from!  I’m so sorry this took so long anon 😭

Bold text is taken from the Rainbow Project (LINK) with anything I added in plain text underneath.

Trigger warnings for things mentioned but not described in detail, take care of yourselves y'all:

homophobia / transphobia / biphobia / arophobia / etc

self harm

abusive relationships

drinking / substance abuse

suicide

pedophilia

(if I've missed any please let me know and I'll add them above)

01. Denial of your sexual orientation to yourself and others.

Fun fact: for the first like 2 weeks after I found out what aromanticism was I refused to identify as aro because of like, the crushing fear and disappointment and the belief I’d never be happy. And of course I *had* to experience romantic attraction some day, I just *had* to, *everyone* does. (Oof)

02. Attempts to alter or change your sexual your orientation.

Do I even need to explain this one? “Maybe if I just try hard enough I’ll start liking someone. Fake it till you make it, right?”

03. Feeling you are never good enough.

Personally, whenever I used to think about platonically dating people/ having nonromantic partner(s) I’d start getting down on myself and think “they deserve a Real (TM) partner, a Romantic (TM) partner, they deserve more than the disappointment I would be” or alternately, the thought that I’m disappointing my parents by not giving them a child-in-law & grandchildren

04. Engaging in obsessive thinking and/or compulsive behaviours.

Not sure exactly how this one could relate, perhaps in obsessively seeking out romance (in fiction or irl) or exposing yourself to it knowing it makes you uncomfortable ?

05. Under-achievement or even over-achievement as a bid for acceptance.

The whole who gets to be an "ally" because they aren't *really* LGBT+ comes to mind

06. Low self esteem, negative body image.

Self explanatory, but I will also add: not wanting to be seen as a Romantic Person, policing your actions and your body / body language so no one could ever see you as anything other than Platonic or friends with benefits. Disliking the parts of you that are typically coded by society to be "romantic" things.

07. Contempt for the more open or obvious members of the LGBT community.

Self explanatory but also: Gatekeeping. I’m thinking especially gatekeeping people who aren’t “aro enough” to be considered aro (you will always be "aro enough" as long as you ID as aro!)

08. Contempt for those at earlier stages of the coming out process.

Contempt for “cringey aros / aces who make the whole community look bad / childish / heartless” when they are just discovering themselves and having a good time (and many times are just kids)

09. Denial that homophobia, heterosexism, biphobia or sexism are serious social problems.

The thought: “Sure arophobia exists, but it isn’t a *real* problem like homophobia / transphobia / biphobia” Alternately: “yeah it’s not perfect, but it’s not like I have *real problems*”

Also a personal note: I didn't like. recognize that we live in an arophobic society? Like society definitely wasn't built for us but Baby Aro me refused to understand that.

10. Contempt for those that are not like ourselves or contempt for those who seem like ourselves. Sometimes distancing by engaging in homophobic behaviours – ridicule, harassment, verbal or physical attacks on other LGB people.

This one is similar to the ones above.

11. Projection of prejudice onto another target group.

Terfs, gatekeepers, etc

12. Becoming psychologically abused or abusive or remaining in an abusive relationship.

Self explanatory :( But especially: staying in a relationship even though it's hurting you, whether because of your partner or just because it isn't a good fit for you as an aro person.

13. Attempts to pass as heterosexual, sometimes marrying someone of the other sex to gain social approval or in hope of ‘being cured’.

Y’all ever faked a crush or just chosen one at random? Y’all ever dated someone you knew you didn’t “like” like while hoping you’d catch feelings someday or thinking it was like, the natural “next step” for your friendship? Y’all ever fear that some day everyone would find out you “”weren’t normal?”” Y’all ever cry bc you know you’ll never love a partner the way they’ll love you, because their love is “”more pure/ real”” or some bullshit???? It's the internalized arophobia 😌

14. Increased fear and withdrawal from friend and relatives.

"They won't like me anymore when they realize I'm not the same as them" "They'll see me differently" etc etc etc

15. Shame or depression; defensiveness; anger or bitterness.

Self explanatory :(

16. School truancy or dropping out of school. Also, work place absenteeism or reduced productivity.

Self explanatory, avoidance of problems and people

17. Continual self-monitoring of one’s behaviours, mannerisms, beliefs, and ideas.

This one seems like it would tie in with #6, specifically monitoring yourself for the Correct Amount of romance, even if you're faking it.

18. Clowning as a way of acting out society’s negative stereotypes.

I have nothing to add here

19. Mistrust and destructive criticism of LGBT community leaders.

I don't think I need to elaborate on this one askdjfdkj

20. Reluctance to be around or have concern for children for fear of being seen as a paedophile.

God I don’t even know why I have this specific internalized arophobia/homophobia. Like??? It doesn’t make sense from an aro perspective but boy do I got it. I love kids and I have an education degree, but am still constantly afraid people see me as a creep

21. Conflicts with the law.

22. Unsafe sexual practices and other destructive risk-taking behaviours-including risk for HIV and other STIs.

Lack of care and respect for self :(

23. Separating sex and love, or fear of intimacy. Sometimes low or lack of sexual drive or celibacy.

I mean some of this is natural and healthy for aros by nature of being aro, but fear of intimacy. Fear of being Known

These last two are self explanatory :(

24. Substance abuse, including drink and drugs.

25. Thinking about suicide, attempting suicide, death by suicide.

https://www.rainbow-project.org/internalised-homophobia/

~ Mass Update ~

Mainly going into future plans and intents alongside ideas below cut.

Ton's of things I've in store this will prove difficult to vent it all out. But here we go... First off rehashing and appropriately learning to tag and organize things better on my blog. Each category will have their own corresponding content, I seek to bring or share. [Tales of Goldbrand] -- I intend this to carry a Compendium of all my writes soon that'll have everything neatly in-order including a glossary, so it'll have highlights of stories that even matter or the best stuff. I've written here for a very, long time, there's been many shifts. I want to make it more accessible. While coloring what matters for people who want to learn Captain or his Crew with less chapters. While also giving choice to find it all easily. This is essentially a step-above master-lists. I'll be doing that after the Saga I have going on, right now is done. [Captain] -- Will provide you strictly with Captain screenshots, gifs, photo-sets. This is still his blog despite the Crew thing's will sort of make this a scuffed Multi-Muse blog. I've few more things to edit and tag fix to get all his stuff though. [The Wild Crew] -- Afterwards this story is done Immortal Age Saga, It's something that I mainly wrote as a passion project within three days to get my warm-up process fixed. It's to allow me to get a feel for all his Crewmates and casts, in combat, in-general, to feel their presences. While also giving a bit of their backstories. At any point, I can go back and polish or tweak things in. They're NPC's but... not entirely. All will have their own 'Dreams' and their own 'Disapproval's' they have their own missions even. These things will factor eventually, they might set seeds, to betray or disagree with something, but that's all angst and more stories to be created, but overall, they'll probably always be Crew, eventually. -- I plan on making character-profile sheets of them and putting them in this Tab, it'll have their screenshots, their likes/dislikes. Some RP partners or people can also be shipped with them, but they'll all be monogamous and originally start off probably Pan. This allows them to figure out what they like on their own stories. I've always been someone who likes organic-flow. Although this one story contain all 16 characters or more, the rest will probably be shortened to a Squad of 4 and dispersed when on adventuring missions. Until I do a War Arc, that's my main goal to build too. [Roster] -- Will contain this Crew in just screen-sets dedicated to them, I'll probably randomly produce those. I've PC players among this Crew too. I may not be done either adding more, but this Crew is mainly built around Quality. Most pirate crew's mainly, have hundreds, thousands. Even Fleets. This Crew has personalities, monsters, people who are living life's that exist with piracy. He's an particular leader that had PC players the same way, he's had split-personality serial killers aboard, tribal chieftains, succubus, all sorts of various people once on a Crew. It's often an outcast style, pirates default are chaotic in nature, so this really isn't any different, it's a Fantasy version of it. There's humanization characters aboard too though, so this cast is really decked, everything and person is vital, they matter because they remind or covet something that others can draw upon. If ever played (Three Houses or Mass Effect / Dragon Age Origins) A lot of things like that are relatable too this structure and format. Which, Is something I want to be able to give when RPing. I want a genuine feel of this new world someone else's muse will be the main-character too. Depending on what's interacting everything they'll be scale appropriately to follow the genre they're in and environment even. [Aesthetics] -- Already explainable what you'll find here. [Asks] -- Same thing. [Prompts] -- Trivial things I was tagged too, I plan on compiling later. [Writing] -- Another alternatively to randomly go-down and it works right now. [Logs] -- Will have more individualistic master-lists and posts there, my poems from Sheik Sphere the Bard, etc.

Things of that nature, I'll probably add still. It's where a lot of my creative writing is summed. [Gems of Hydaelyn] -- My main #tag for other characters and artists, creationist. Lot of amazing people easily to find their zones or follow them optionally if you like. Ton's I intend to support and bolster, be a lot less unspoken. I'm never the type who's been strictly inclusive. But I'll do that when I've time to even explore the dash, I'm always still planning ahead with things and projects. [CKS] My original character-sheet it's outdated on something's but not too terrible. I'll give him polishing someday, I swear? [21+F-List] -- Just purely degenerate stuff of Captain. I'm a pirate blog. I will represent that with openness and furthermore. I'm never projecting you some false-image. I started off a smut-writer by stripping that, I no-longer represent the same aura and identity. But those are strictly his stuff and kinks, I'm effective in executing them but they're not all relatable to me OOC. This blog will always be 18+ containing crude or dark material sometimes, romantic things, this Captain is blunt, will literally put his cock on the table in conversations. Swearing and being censored would be too uncommon and displace most of him, but there's more about him then all this. [Other] -- I pay homage to a lot of characters, I originally am a Concept Designer. Which mean's I make characters and ideas like my addiction. Bad characters / villains or other little things I like to share in designs, I'll put there. Some villains might get little photo-sets, even if they died. Just cause I like their design, or maybe I'll give them an AU, where they won. When I've wrapped up things. [Collabs + Ships] -- Is a new project idea. This isn't going to be something limited too romantic only ships. It'll contain, platonic, romantic, friendships, rivals, frenemies, family, PC Crew, all ships. I am desperately working on improving my gif, screenshot, posing game so I can supply 'Screen Stories' this is not only a way to RP that's accessible with even people who are upon time-crunches from work, It gives visual-representation. To impactful stories shared with others and establish bonds. That are all-valid and impactful matter. Lot of people take a lot of their characters attributes into them and are them dialed up, I work with that and bit more, differently. I'm disconnected from my characters and they'll get hurt and injured and killed by me, that's my duty as their Author to give them conflicts and struggles. I'm their major antagonist, but that doesn't mean at-all, it's always SET that way. The characters I like to make have their own life, they live in this setting and are abide by it, they're often nothing, nobodies, and by the interacting with others, they slowly gradually building, more... Through emotional impacts, they alter, these are REAL people by all their beliefs. Each person they come in-contact with are legitimate and treated like that too. They've always impacted or given them insights to grow, or represent more. Otherwise it'd be criminally disrespectful if I allowed any emotional I felt OOC be the grudge to something IC. Captain in-particular is set on defying me. I cannot have that. ...But I can't stop him. He's met and encountered so many people and lived so many scenarios based on the actions of others, he's giving a chance right now to actually do things a lot further than impossible. The more people he meets and encounters, experiences, the more I lose. These stories are emotionally interactive where everything is a factor and adds to the dice, where the other people are the one who get to roll the dice for him, not me. That's something I want to color in. People range in emotions, they have their down's, ups, their own wholesome-grounding people, spending time with your favorite people, there's nothing more cherishing than that, being in your own comfort-zone or 'safe-space' these are all treasures that we live under, today. Contrary if what people assume of me, I'm not another 'blogger' that's came

before, who's wanting to force a harem, then constantly is bewildered when that falls to pieces cause of selfishness or a lack of communication, or the skeletons they have in their closets and beliefs they hid behind and swindled fooled everyone. I'm not looking to be popular or anything really, I just create stories and want to share in those, and I want to also boost others included, upward with me, especially those who make me. There's no ego in anything I do, this is purely love. I've never cared about being replicated or duplicated, I've had stalkers, I've gone through more then anyone would imagine, I've been used OOC and abused, just for my writing and cold-harshly told, i'd never amount to anything other then that or vice-versa. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Passion. That's all I got and am anymore. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Passion is the hardest thing to keep. It's something that can be stolen, quite effortlessly. Few words of discouragement, a bad negative representation, a lack of confidence, or small amount of time, there's many thing's that can put that flame out. Once you lose it. The difficulty to reattain is hundred-times harder than climbing any mountain for real. I've watched the greatest creators crumble from under the pressure, from beaten down by others. I watched many of them do it to themselves because they put a grand vision of needing validation of another and once lost, felt uncompelling to press onward. But passion also can be given BACK and drawn. It can be shown and encourage others, with a soft-triggering, that pushes them. That motivates, that constantly sticks to it. There are many that fuel me. If I ever quit, I let them down, I spit in the faces of people who're better than me in every-way. Or people who've came and given me their precious Time. That have given their character's or dedication to the abundant stories and community-driven things I've done. There's ONLY things you can do, create, give and provide. It cannot ever come to life without YOU. This is a fact. ...I swear, If you let your creativity soar, you'll be amazed by the heights you get. Constantly polish and learn and hone the best you, challenge yourself day after painstaking day, to draw better improvement on something, no matter how trivial or unfamiliar you are. You'll find a confidence only you can give yourself. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Future Plans --------------------------------------------------------------------- For me, I've got so much more stories to give and also explore, I might be taking up soon some other artists and more skilled people from community and hire them for some of my future writes, to up my game or cause something thing's can't be done in-game cause no background carries it. I also got a lot of-set up things and more angst stuff I want to practice, plus I'm adamantly on that grind to produce screen-sets with the intent's to some sort of improving daily. Additionally more people I'll be reaching out too soon for these collab's ideas and things. I look forward to shaking your hands, giving some hugs, show you my respect and admiration, then creating some enchanting stories and giving plots light. Feel free to reach out to me, I get scattered-brain but I'm working on getting better about it. Eventually will get to you though, my goals, if uninterested just say so when I poke, no bites, unless you kinky. Anyways, cheers hearties.

Recently I’ve been debating getting top surgery. I know that some butches get top surgery and seem happy with the results but I’ve also met some who grew out of their discomfort with time. So I guess I’m debating if I should wait to see if maybe the discomfort around my chest will ease with age or if I should look into getting top surgery. The ones I’ve talked to also had this discomfort about their breast growing during puberty but they said after some time it decreased but for mines it seems like a problem that hasn’t gone away.

I am so sorry for the delay, seems work and side gigs are taking up a lot of my time lately. 

I can only speak from my experience with my body and from other lesbians I talk to... and I talk to a lot. I have many friends across generations. Many of my younger friends are butch but not all. My older friends are a myriad of types of lesbians and as diverse as the greater population. This weekend now that we are all vaccinated we had a campfire with 12 lesbian, 5 butches present. We have definitely had discussions about our breasts, discomfort, and the mourning over loosing breasts to cancer (or the danger of cancer).  Most of my buddies, from 19 to 68 share similar stories about learning to be at least “okay” with their bodies in a world where our physical attributes are often used to define our personality, and our worth. 

One thing we ALL share, as women, not just lesbians, is that we were at best dissatisfied that we have breasts starting as soon as they begin to form. I was 7 when mom told me I had to wear a shirt outside. Wow was I pissed. AND as a 7 years old I knew it had nothing to do with me but everyone seemed just fine with the fact that men were the issue but since we can’t change them we must change our own behavior.

 I remember thinking “how is me not wearing a shirt a problem”. Breasts had been neutral for me at that point. Just another part of my body. Once I realized “they” made me different, more vulnerable, more controlled, less “human” than those around me without breasts I turned my hate on my body instead of the people who really were to blame. Just like I was taught, I can’t control the men but I perhaps I could control my body. 

I have raised at least 10 teenage daughters (2 are lesbians now) my youngest adopted is 15 and when her other mom told her to put on a shirt in the summer of her 8th birthday, even in our rural yard she looked at me dead in the eye and said “why haven’t you fixed this yet?” (meaning women’s bodies being subject to the eyes and opinions of men). I wonder.. why haven’t we? She is the youngest, but all the others grew from hating their breasts to at least neutral, some really love their bodies and that is lovely. 

Lesbians are unique in our dealings of men’s opinions because we never need or want the approval of men in relation to our bodies. The opposite in fact.. we would prefer they see us void of anything they find sexual. Many women, straight, bi, lesbian eventually either learn to give no shits about the opinions of men or they learn to work around that feeling.

Ok.. all that being said, my story. My breasts are B cups, perhaps C’s when I was a bit heavier weight wise. I wore regular bras WITH padding and always as tight as a could to make them less noticeable. When I came out i switched to sports bras because i was embracing being butch and no longer wanted to play the game of wearing  “pretty bra” . I never wore tight shirts, always baggy. I wore the tightest bra I could wear to keep my breasts smaller, less visible. FOR YEARS. 

Going to a women’s festival opened my eyes to the many ways bodies can be. The many ways BUTCH bodies can exist. Women went topless and NO one sexualized them. (except when appropriate-- like while flirting etc when it was welcomed). Thousands of people, many topless and no one, not one person was oogled, cat called, teased, or otherwise treated as different than someone wearing a shirt.  What did they all share? Why was it different than in other places? Women. All women and mostly lesbians. However that did not automatically translate to “I am going back to the real world and giving no fucks about the reality of existing with breasts in our world”. It took time.

I no longer wear a bra just an undershirt. BUT I am in control of where I go, who I interact with most of the time. If I was still at my retail job, I’d probably still wear a bra. I no longer dislike my breasts. I love them. They bring me pleasure, they bring my girlfriend pleasure. They are a lovely part of me BUT that does not mean I am not very aware in public of my nipples being visible or of people noticing I am braless. And I imagine it is harder for women with larger breasts. 

Had binders been a “thing”, had I had access to a double  mastectomy, or the idea of it i cannot say that would have pursued either. The pattern suggests I would have. But again., neither were on my radar, not options presented to me or encouraged as a way to solve my discomfort.

 I have  three friends who have had elective double mastectomies. And many who had one to prevent or remove cancer. Several of them suffer consistent and painful nerve damage that is not treatable, is quite common, is unpredictable (they can’t know who will have it) and possibly life long. Of the three who were trying to alleviate the distress of dysphoria, all three regret the decision and none of them are over 30 yet. These women are all lesbians. Those who had the surgery because of cancer are thrilled to be happy and alive with less worry, although they do deal with nerve issues and mourn the loss of a part of their body. 

I have a few trans men friends, although we are not close. A  couple of them have had double mastectomies but their thoughts or feelings have not come up, we are just not close enough for such a personal discussion and none have had the surgery for more than 2 years.  I have had lots of older lesbians friends (and a few younger) who did get breast reduction surgery and their health and mental health were both improved. Their backs are better, their clothes fit better and they feel more active, less self conscious with out the physical risks of a full mastectomy. 

The easy answer and what I WANT to say, is be patient, find lots of older lesbians friends to show you your body is neutral, men are the problem. Give yourself time to understand that your breasts are as butch as the rest of you. They are a natural part of your body and how you are meant to be. Also, I know there is not an easy answer. Men will continue to exist. They will continue to sexualize lesbians (with or without breasts). I didn’t outgrow wishing my breasts could just disappear(in public settings) until my 40′s but it got easier and easier to sort of “live with it”. I am many times over grateful for my healthy breasts now. 

Seek therapy.. and not someone who will just go along with what ever you say. My therapists works me hard. She makes me answer the hard questions. She has me vocalize things that I don’t even want to admit in my head let alone out loud. Find one like that. Find one who is willing to explore all the reasons your breasts cause you distress. Then, if you decide to proceed, you can do so knowing you were worth the hard work and you can feel more confident in making an informed decision. Don’t make any decisions based on the opinions of men. Your body. YOUR decision. Write that down on a post it and keep it somewhere you will see it. 

If you would like to speak to some others who are struggling with how you feel or want to talk to lesbians who can tell you about their double mastectomies, DM me, perhaps I can connect you. 

If  anyone wants to add their experience in the notes please be kind. No judgement for anyone making such a difficult decision. 

One last thing to this long post. From one butch to another.  I care about you and I am saddened and angry at  bull shit you have to wade through in this world. I get it. You are not alone. 

Here’s an analysis of the “Tommy’s Plan To Kill Dream” stream (part 1)

I noticed that my “overly long” analysis always tend to be about extremely depressing streams, so here’s me trying to change that and failing miserably because I can find angst literally everywhere!

As usual I’ll be talking about the characters only unless stated otherwise from here on out. 

The whole thing is under the cut because, as the name of this “series” suggest, I’m phisycally incapable of keeping things short

Before we proceed with the analysis we need a quick overview of Tommy’s relationship with the people he interacts with this stream so that we can all start with the same mindset: 

Tommy & Tubbo: They have obviously been very close friends since the beginning but recently Tommy has developed a sort of dependence on Tubbo which really isn’t healthy. This of course is a direct result of his second exile and his mindset moving forward after that. While with Dream and then Techno Tommy was extremely isolated and made to depend entirely on the one person providing for him. He continued this even after Doomsday, this time developing an extreme dependence on Tubbo that culminated with the line “What am I without you?” (basing your entire identity around someone else is not healthy, who’d have thought?). With the developing of the hotel post-finale he expands his system of support to include Sam and Sam Nook, but this is of course ruined with the prison arc. Tommy doesn’t trust Sam any longer and, while he still cares deeply about Sam Nook, he’s not someone that can give him emotional support. So he went back to rely soley on Tubbo (though it’s obvious throughout the stream that he’s tentatively doing so with Ranboo as well)

Tommy & Ranboo: The two of them used to be sort of close before Doomsday, Ranboo still very much admiring Tommy and considering him a friend. Thet said Ranboo is not in the very small circle of people who Tommy trusts and finding him married to his best friend and moving in together with a child didn’t help his perception of him. He feels replaced by Ranboo and sort of feels like he “stole” the only system of support he had that he could count on. Though there is a beginning of change throughout the stream. 

Tommy & Ghostbur: Their relationship is really interesting. Tommy is pretty obviously one of Ghostbur’s unfinished businesses (possibly the only one now that L’Manburg is gone) and most definitely his priority. He was the only one who offered to go with Tommy during exile and he tried to be there for him constantly. Even his return this time was Tommy-motivated as we know from what he said in Ranboo’s stream. Meanwhile Tommy’s feelings on him are very complicated. He swings between recognizing that Alivebur and Ghostbur are different entities to conflating them together any time he has a strong reminder of Alivebur (at the beginning of exile and after spending time with Void!Wilbur for example). He also has only very recently come to the full realisation that Wilbur was awful to him and that their relationship was definitely not healthy (something we can infer from him finally taking a stance on not wanting him back and him admitting that Wilbur is good at manipulating him).

Now that that’s done, let’s get into the analysis!

“Oh I forgot I died, didn’t I?” So, Tommy is in a very peculiar situation where he has to somehow process his own death and, at the moment, he’s still in a state of denial about it. He knows he died but he acts like he didn’t in the sense that he hates how it affects his life. He doesn’t want people to treat him any different (even though he IS different), he doesn’t want to acknowledge the changesto the world nor to his relationships, which is the reason why he dislikes the statues of himself so much (that and the fact that he simply never liked to have statues of him). They act as a constant phisycal reminder of what happened to him and, more importantly, how much things changed in his absence. 

One other reason why change scares him so much it’s because of how often he’s alienated from the world around him. He spent more time in exile/prison then in his own home since L’Manburg got it’s independence. He is constantly forced to live in an isolated bubble while the world around him moves forward and then, when he gets thrown back in he is never really given much time to adapt and catch up before he is thrown once more into the role of the hero/villain that he despises (after the 16th for example he was painted as a liability at his first mistake and put on trial etc despite how much he did for the country. Again after Doomsday he had the Dream fight to think about and, after that, Sam Nook asked him again to be the hero against the Egg and he, once again, was villanized by the Team Rocket. Now again he finds himself in the position where he has to take action against Dream once more).

So the stream really starts with Tommy deciding to contact Tubbo to get some help in his plan to kill Dream. He heads to Snowchester to do so (stopping before that to build Sam Nook a little wooden platform to keep him out of the rain).

On the way to Snowchester he gets trapped in the tunnel and almost drowns, making him break the glass of the tunnel. This is triggering for him for a couple of reasons (aside from drowning generally being not pog): exile reminder of his waking up drowning every day and taking damage in general seems to be a reminder of his death (he also seems to be hypersensitive in general in regard to phisycal sensations) 

The whole mansion scene is a further indicator of this new dynamic between Tubbo, Ranboo and Tommy. Tubbo and Ranboo grew extremely close as we know (got married for tax benefits, adopted a child together and, apparently, canonically fell in love after) and they are planning to move in together with their son in the mansion. This, once again, all happened while Tommy was locked in prison. The feelings of alienation for him in the situation are prevalent together with his jealousy at Ranboo as he perceives him as his replacement. 

“You married someone without me- without my permission?” “Okay, can I have your permission?” “Does he make you happy?” “Yes” “then ye- okay” Just... I’m a softie and I think that it’s very sweet that his only requirement to give his blessing is Ranboo making Tubbo happy. We stan a unconditionally supportive friend! 

“Ranboo listen, let me open up to you pal! I- I’ve been through a pretty rough time recently and- (”Yeah I can tell”) and I know that we were kind of close before I went into prison, but then you ki- Tubbo would you mind looking at that flower a bit more? You kinda stole my best friend, and that’s kinda- you know now I feel kind of very lonely- actually feel very lonely” “I didn’t steal...” “And my other friend who then turned out to be my enemy is actually dead. So I’m kinda feeling a little bit left out here, and considering I was locked in a prison for 4 weeks...” “Yeah, no, I mean... I didn’t- I didn’t steal...” “No no no no, you did, you did, didn’t you? You did!” That was a big piece of dialogue there to transcribe! Regardless Tommy doing my job for me here by literally spelling out for us how he feels about Ranboo. One thing to be noted though is that Ranboo remains calm and keeps an understanding attitude in all his interactions with Tommy. He constantly tries to be reasonable (trying to explain that he didn’t “steal” Tubbo as, you know, he has his own free will and can have more then one friend) and generally just doesn’t get mad. Keeping a non-confrontational attitude is probably the best thing he could have done here.

So after that exchange Tommy opens up to them a bit about Dream, explaining what he’s planning.

“The revive book is too much and he (Dream) is too powerful and he’s only gonna use it for evil now! He is an evil man and he used it- he used ME to prove a point and to experiment on me” “Oh my God, like a lab rat!” “Like a- like a- worse then a lab rat! A lab- a lab sock!” “A lab sock?! No!” “Oh God!” “Oh my God” This is the first time in the conversation where Tommy’s gone more in depth about his traumatic experience (though he did mention before that “Dream asked him about it” in reference to his revival). It’s honestly a really big positive that he’s opening up to someone, even if it is other two teenagers who can’t do much but be sympathetic to him. 

“I think it’s good. You don’t actually know this but I’ve been- I’ve been collecting some data, but, honestly... I’m not sure is a too good of an idea” “You said it was good” “No no  no, I didn’t mean it was good in the sense of we should-” “Ranboo’s changed you, Ranboo’s changed you! He’s manipulating you! He’s manipulative and controlling” So 2 things to unpack here:

1) Tubbo hesitance comes from both him being on his last life and how things went during the season 2 finale. He isn’t too optimistic about their chances of killing Dream (even with Dream being completely unarmed in the prison) and he’s also less passively suicidal then he was during the finale, probably because he managed to build a life for himself now. He has a home, a family and Snowchester, he doesn’t wanna loose those.

2) Because of very obvious reasons (Wilbur being abusive, Dream being abusive, Techno isolating and manipulating him and then siding with his abuser and Sam betraying his trust) Tommy views all relationships aside from his with Tubbo in a negative lense. Basically he has HUGE trust issues and he’s so used to his relationships having usually some degree of manipulation (exept for Sam, who still entirely broke his trust. Also recently found out Jack had been lying and trying to kill him as well, which probably didn’t help the issue) that he just assumes that must be the case for Tubbo and Ranboo as well. Both of them of course are fast to correct him on this as that’s really not the case. 

“So why don’t you want him to bring Wilbur back now? What suddenly changed?” “I spent months in the death... area- let’s call it ‘the death zone’, with Wilbur alright?” “The death zone?” “I spent months there. I spent months and months and months there and I was only there for a few days, Wilbur’s been there for real months. He is so different and he is fucking powerful and you know how he molds me like a piece of clay, Tubbo. (hushed) I don’t want him to come back” So here we have Tommy’s admission to Wilbur’s manipulation and how effective it is on him (most probably because of how close they used to be). We also have another hint about how dangerous Wilbur is now because of the knowledge he acquired. 

“In the mean time we also... unless we don’t kill Dream... we gonna have to stop Technoblade, ‘cause Technoblade owes him a favour” “Stop Technoblade?” “Technoblade owes him a favour and we can’t let him redeem it” When Tommy mention’s Techno, Tubbo immediately becomes even MORE hesitant about this whole thing (probably a mix of his death-related trauma, Techno exploding his nation twice and his most recent inquisition venture in Snowchester). 

“So why don’t we try to block Dream’s communication with Technoblade? ‘Cause then Technoblade would have no idea how to... redeem... the favour” “He can bring back the dead Tubbo, we need him DEAD! He’s too powerful for this server’s good and he’s a bad man and he won’t use his powers for good. And it’s not even-” “Mmmmh” “What do you mean ‘Mmmh’ Man?!” “I don’t know this really- this didn’t go too well for us last time we got all hyped up and tried to do this” Tubbo once again is mostly apprehensive because of how things went last time they were up against Dream. He also tried proposing an alternative solution to fighting that Tommy shoots down because he doesn’t think anyone should have the power that Dream has. Also, may I add that Ranboo is actually on Tommy’s side on this whole thing? Possibly because he knows as well how dangerous Dream still is. 

“Just because he’s locked up doesn’t mean his strenght is, allright?” This basically perfectly sums up the crux of the issue. Of course thanks to Quackity’s lore we know that Dream’s power now is mostly a facade, but they don’t know this. To them Dream is just as powerful now as he was before. To them the image of powerlessness that the prison gives him is the facade.

That said the conversation in the electric chair tower ends here and, as this is already so incredibly long, I’ll also end part one of the analysis here. This was also the most lore-heavy part as the rest is more light-hearted so it’ll probably be faster to cover.

Crimson Peak or Carmilla for the fandom ask.

How about I alternate?

send me a fandom and i’ll tell you…

the first character i ever fell in love with (Carmilla):

Carmilla. Sorry, my heart belongs to the vampire, always. I've loved her from the first time I read the novella on Project Gutenberg, and Natasha Negovanlis' interpretation only deepened that love.

a character that i used to love/like, but now do not (Crimson Peak):

There really aren't any characters who appear onscreen as living humans that I dislike. I guess I've thought more about Thomas' foibles than I did when I first saw the movie back in 2015? Mostly because I've thought more about all the characters since my fandom spiral, but I guess he had the farthest to fall, so to speak, in my regard.

I still love him. I just don't think of him as quite the same hapless innocent that I first saw.

a ship that i used to love/like, but now do not (Carmilla):

I've kind of gone from disinterest in H*llence (Laura/Danny) to active dislike. Though that's less because of the ship and more because of very bad experiences with some of the more...strident shippers.

my ultimate favorite character™ (Crimson Peak):

Honestly, I'm pretty fair and balanced in my love of the char- [trips and drops bag; dozens of photos of Lucille Sharpe spill out] shit shit no I'm just. I'm holding these for a friend; you don't understand

prettiest character (Carmilla):

Oh god. In a cast so full of eye candy, how does one even choose? They're all pretty in their own ways. You can't really compare, say, Laura to Mattie because their respective types of intense beauty are just so different.

Elle has the closest aesthetic to mine, though.

my most hated character (Crimson Peak):

The Parents Sharpe, both. Honestly, screw them. With Thomas and Lucille I'll talk until the cows come home about complex narratives and sympathetic villains and the fact that the movie isn't a morality tale and how half the Gothic thrill of it all is doomed love, love that dooms you, digging your own grave even with your attempts to clamber out, etc.

James and Beatrice don't even have the Sympathy Factor of good intentions paving their road to hell. And that's where I hope they somehow end up.

my OTP (Carmilla):

Hollstein (Laura/Carmilla). My Brand(TM) since 1871.

my NOTP (Crimson Peak):

Alan/Lucille. Seriously, ship what you like, but why is this even a Thing? They interact with each other like...three times, IF you count the deleted park scene. And one of those times ends in stabbing.

It just seems like Pair the Spares for people who want exclusive Edith/Thomas but don't hate Lucille. I guess I appreciate that it's kinder to my fave than, "Lucille is dead and Thomas spits on her grave as he and Edith waltz off into the sunset," which tends to be the other flavor of exclusive Edith/Thomas. But still.

favorite episode (Carmilla):

The movie. No, really, it's hard to decide among so many episodes of the show, but the movie really brings back the Gothic vibes. And we all know how into that I am.

The show is great, but give me sapphic bustle dress ballroom action, and I'll be the happiest Marzi in the land.

saddest death (Crimson Peak):

Thomas. Definitely Thomas.

God, that poor, spineless coward. It was too little, far too late, but he still finally worked up the nerve to Try. I can't help but be affected by his earnest desire for everyone to be happy; for both the women he loves to stay with him. It was never going to work, and that adds to the tragedy immensely.

And right at the end, how he tries to talk Lucille around when nobody else would. I couldn't even blame them- much as I love her, she's a terrible person, AND she's trying to kill his beloved wife. But he still sees something worth saving in her. Hell, after the first two stabs, he doesn't make any move to defend himself. He thinks she wouldn't ever mortally wound him; he trusts the one person who's always loved, protected, and supported him. He can't help loving her, right to the end.

The way she breaks down after the fatal blow, too, realizing what she's done and desperately wanting to take it back. She's always fixed things; she's always saved him. And now she can't. And it's her own fault.

All he can do is realize that, in the end, her rage and pain and fear overpowered than her love for him. All she can do is watch the only good and pure part of her life die, knowing she did that.

Excuse me; I've got some Gothic Tragedy in my eye.

favorite season (Carmilla):

S1. I think it was the best, the most self-contained, and the only one that avoided tripping just a little on the increasing complexity of the worldbuilding. Not that I don't love the whole show, mind- I just think the first season was the strongest.

If only it had had Mattie...

least favorite season (Crimson Peak):

Not applicable

character that everyone else in the fandom loves, but i hate (Carmilla):

I can do without Kirsch. He's...fine, I guess? I usually just forget he's there, and I've seldom written him into any of my fics. I don't hate him, per se- that would require caring enough about him for hatred.

my ‘you’re piece of trash, but you’re still a fave’ fave (Crimson Peak):

My ultimate fave for this fandom IS a piece of trash. She's an on-fire dumpster full of Moltov cocktails. Just thoroughly awful.

I adore her.

my ‘beautiful cinnamon roll who deserves better than this’ fave (Carmilla):

She would hate being characterized as a cinnamon roll, but I want good things for Danny. And really, to quote Eldena Doublecast, who wouldn't?

my ‘this ship is wrong, nasty, and makes me want to cleanse my soul, but i still love it’ ship (Crimson Peak):

This is kind of a redundant question for a Gothic romance movie with canon sibling incest, isn't it?

(The canon sibling incest, obviously. Though I don't really want to cleanse my soul about it- I don't feel at all guilty or gross for shipping it. It's Gothic romance. Messed-up relationships come with the territory. At least it's more or less consensual and there's no minor/adult stuff involved- that's better than a lot of Gothic romance gets.)

my ‘they’re kind of cute, and i lowkey ship them, but i’m not too invested’ ship (Carmilla):

LaFontaine/Perry. Cute! Doesn't really hold my interest, though.