#as I'm terrified of losing the one person who understands me I've come to understand that part of him a lot more
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I came across the realisation that Nikolai's motivation to kill Fyodor, as we understand it now, isn't compelling. I think that's my biggest issue with him. There are all these fanfics about it, and yet the one I've read where Fyodor's death is compelling, Nikolai hasn't ever even thought of killing him and doesn't want him to die (and yes, I'm including my fics with Fyodor's death in the "not compelling" category).
So, I tried to reframe it, taking some of my current experiences and what I know about Gogol, and I think I may have figured something out: Nikolai's core motivation right now could be to escape from reality.
This could be foreshadowed earlier on with things like a distaste for factually accurate (read: dull) stories, a love for acting and exaggerated impressions, and an aversion to talking issues out in his personal relationships.
But now it's worse, and has grown to an extent where he can't stand anything--he just wants to escape everything, but he can't. (This change would be brought about by some sort of terrible or tragic event--something that makes all his flawed coping mechanisms collapse entirely in a way they never have before. In my story, it's Fyodor disappearing and Nikolai finally giving up hope that he still lived. Anything awful enough would probably work, but I think a lot of care needs to be put into exactly what is the thing that pushes Nikolai over the edge--it says a lot about what he values.)
I visualise his wanting to escape reality with Stanzcyk (the Polish painting). Nikolai is the jester, but desperately wishes he could be carefree like the celebrating nobles in the background. But he can't. No matter what, no matter how he tries, he can't escape reality, and so he does the next best thing: he does the unthinkable. He becomes what any normal person can't even fathom, does what any sane man couldn't, and desperately tries to lose himself in it. (In my story, this is a worse version of what's already occurred: a few years ago, Nikolai became an actor in hopes of losing his misery to the stage, but when that failed and he became suicidal, Fyodor helped him pull through. Now, Nikolai tries to lose himself in a much more involved and self-destructive way (notably still through acting), and Fyodor, though much more negatively now, is still the force that's keeping him alive.)
At first, he may have even deluded himself into thinking he'd somewhat succeeded in losing himself, but then Fyodor makes his "in opposition to God" comment, and Nikolai is at once violently dragged back into himself. It's a wonderful feeling to be understood, yet terrible, because as long as such an anchor exists, he can never escape (bonus points if in a backstory fic, Fyodor being Nikolai's anchor to reality was a positive in their relationship, creating a contrast here).
And so now, every time he thinks about wanting to share a thought or idea with Fyodor, the only person with whom he can genuinely converse, he first gets a nice feeling at the thought, then falls into despair at the thought of losing that connection (Fyodor is constantly putting himself in mortal danger, and as much as Nikolai believes in him, it also makes sense to me that he'd be worried out of his mind at times), anger that his emotions still control him, and this reinforces his feelings of needing to escape. It's a constant merry-go-round of love and misery, and he just wants to be on stable ground, essentially.
And I think if I do that, it starts to be compelling. It's not quite there, let alone polished, but it's a lot farther than I've gotten before. And 'Arcane' story analyses are really helping me with contrast, callbacks and foreshadowing.
#as I'm terrified of losing the one person who understands me I've come to understand that part of him a lot more#it's a truly awful feeling--indescribable#but that's why it's so compelling#and I think it being his love for Fyodor that drags him down. but also pulls him up is a lovely idea#it adds a human element that's sometimes missing in his character#BSD#BSD Nikolai Gogol#BSD Nikolai#BSD Gogol#BSD Gogol Nikolai#BSD Nikolai Analysis#BSD Gogol Analysis#BSD Analysis
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It's only been two days but I figured I'd come share one of my favorite fantasies here.
I want a cruel girlfriend who's a staunch lesbian, doesn't care for Men at all or want them touching her. But the moment she meets me, she instantly can tell how much my pussy drips at the thought of a Man using me as He pleases, despite my proudly worn label as a lesbian.
It doesn't happen quickly, for a while she treats me normally. Only involving fantasies about other women, only using her fingers and her mouth to make me cum, never doing anything out of the ordinary for a "lesbian" couple. Until she slowly starts incorporating more Male centric ideas into my head, she asks innocently if I'd mind trying to take a dildo during sex. I agree because it's not like it's actually a Man right?
Then she asks my opinion on her wearing a strap on, by this point she's almost entirely stopped going down on me. Our sex almost entirely comprises of fingering and her dildos that are steadily growing in size. I say yes to her using a strap on, because I love her and want to make her happy. She makes comments about how we're probably the straightest lesbian couple out there.
Before I've realized it, she's now only using a squirting strap on when we have sex. I don't top her at all anymore, I'm a complete pillow princess now. She doesn't finger me or rub my clit anymore, our foreplay entirely exists of her pushing me to my knees to suck her strap. She tells me how I'm suck a natural at having a cock in my mouth.
It isn't until a few weeks later that she truly starts breaking my brain. "This is what you've always wanted, isn't it? To be fucked on all fours by a thick cock about to turn you into a mommy. Maybe we should have a guy fuck you instead since it's what you crave." It's impossible for me to hold back my orgasm when she says that.
One day she blindfolds me and tells me it's just trying something new, I feel her filling my cunt in a way she never has before, almost like she's throbbing. I can't stop whimpering and letting out high pitched moans, it feels like she's gotten so much stronger since the last time we slept together.
I lose count of how much I cum, and she asks my barely there brain if I'd like to see a surprise. When she takes the blindfold off all I can see is not one, but three Men on our bed while she sits next to me, the one in front clearly the person who's been fucking me the whole time.
I'm terrified, I don't understand what's happening but she tells me it's okay, that she understands. I've been calling myself a lesbian this whole time when in reality my sexuality is whatever she wants it to be, and right now she wants me to be a hole for Men. I so obviously loved having a real cock filling me, and I shouldn't deny myself.
By the time the first Man cums inside of me I'm gone, I'm completely lost to cock, there's nothing I want more in life than to be filled and used by Men.
My girlfriend and I have stopped having sex now, anytime she's horny she goes out to find a real lesbian to fuck her, or she texts at least three Men telling them her dyke is begging for His cock again so she can watch me be broken over and over again.
She fills my head with ideas that all Men are better than me, they're entitled to my body because I'm so stupid. Because I shouldn't have been showing off my huge tits in such a tight shirt. Because I denied them access to my holes for so many years when I hadn't rubbed my cunt to girls since before I had met her. And I believe her.
Her favorite days are when I come home a complete mess, having obviously been raped by one of her friends on my way back. She even makes me call them when I touch myself, thanking them and begging for them to be more cruel next time.
I still love her and she still loves me, she just loves ruining me more. She still calls me her lesbian girlfriend, but we both know it's only because it makes Men extra aggressive when breaking me.
I've never been happier than being my girlfriend's ruined dyke.
- 🩵
I don't even think I need to add anything - except to say that this little broken dyke is a very good girl.
#reor: stream lesbian anon#kink interactions#reorientation writing#reor: anon ask#lgetsd#dykebreaking#lesbian breeding#reor: anon fiction
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I just cannot get over this one kid in the cinema who went "But he isn't evil!"
We are talking children here! Children don't really know or understand anything about ptsd and trauma (mostly, yet) they just observe! And if a KID between the age of 5 and 10 observes Magnifico and can read between the lines and conclude he isn't evil, what excuse does that leave for haters calling him one?
Now, more analysing cause you've been loving those and I enjoy doing them 🛡⚔️ (I might repeat some points but in a alightly different way)
Every single arguement I've seen haters or anti-Magnifico people make so far was either straight up stupid, ignorant, uneducated, defiant, baseless and or senseless. And then we also have the hardcore Amaya/Asha fans who just go on hating on Magnifico just "because!"
Or those who go "He's the worst villain ever." Yeah, Sherlock, maybe thats because he isn't one? 🤨 Like, seriously, you take Magnifico, compare him to aaaaall the REAL villains like Jafar, Frollo, Scar etc. And you wanna tell me he was anything like them because his trauma forced him to get himself posessed by evil trapped in an evil book and only went bonkers after he was literally posessed? And his sole motivation was to protect and keep safe at all costs ?
And then come the arguements 🫴🏼
"He's vain and narcissistic!"
Because he acknowledges the fact that he's handsome and like's to see himself in mirrors? 🤨
"He didn't grant every single wish! He shouldn't have kept them."
He didn't grant every single wish because of his trauma caused fear/paranoia and kept them for the same exact reason. However, he always meant well.
Yes, I agree that a traumatized person shouldn't be in any leading position, nor should they be in the position of making important decissions. But lets take a look at his motivations and goals again!
His motivations :
- Never have anyone suffer a fate like he did
- Never have people have to see their hopes and dreams get shattered
- Never have his past repeat
Quote - "Everything I do is to make sure that never happens again!"
His goals :
- Protect and keep people safe
- Make sure people live happy, content, free of hardships and strive
Further comparisons
All the other villains when singing - Sing openly about their evil plans, desires etc. showing they're evil!
Magnifico when bursting into song :
"promise as one does, I will protect you at all costs. Keep you safe here in my arms. I will protect you at all costs."
"If you're ever feeling like you're lost, I'll come find you. Man all fronts, there's no ocean I won't swim across to be right by you. And not just once, here and now I swear on my response. I'll remind you-"
"I let you live here for free and I don't even charge you rent. I clean up all your messes and I'm always there when you need to vent. I give and give and give and give, you'd think they'd all be content. And all I really want is just a little respect."
Back to the arguements Anti-Magnifico people make and even more comparisons ⬇️
More for the vain and narcissistic
Gaston - treats everyone like trash and thinks the whole globe spinns around him only. Doesn't care if he walks over dead bodies looking good.
Evil queen - Wants to kill her stepdaughter because she's prettier than her.
Mother gothel - Kidnaps the baby princess, locks her up because the magic hair makes her stay young and pretty, doesn't give a toot that the king and queen are suffering immense heartbreak and guilt. And to keep the princess locked in, gaslights and belittles her.
And then we have Magnifico ✨️
"I'm handsome and I know it." Likes to look at himself in the mirror and is happy and content with his looks. Hurts not one single fly with it. Doesn't put others down.
"He's power hungry!"
Why did he want to keep his power? - Because he was terrified if he would lose it, he wouldn't be able to protect anymore and his past would repeat.
"He threatened everyone and destroyed wishes!"
Again, he was posessed? Do people understand what posessed means? Amaya knew this book would control him! Not him controling the book!
In the end, I don't even care for people who disagree with me. But one thing I just don't get is : Why are some people so out to prove to us Magnifico-defenders that he's evil? Like, are these guys for real? We push forgiveness and love and the other side pushes hate, ignorance, unforgiveness and bitterness. Why does someone feel the need to spread negativity rather than positivity?
I won't stop defending Magnifico 🛡⚔️🩵
#king magnifico#disney wish#wish 2023#team magnifico#magnifico defenders#king magnifico isn't a villain#brainwaves aren't waving#haters gonna hate
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Don't mind me, just resurrecting my blog from beyond the grave for the sole purpose of ranting about Mileven
ST fans and Mileven/Mike-antis really be out here missing the entire fucking point of this conversation??? "Mike is lying/gaslighting/in denial! Clearly he doesn't really love her!" (First of all, ya'll literally don't know what gaslighting is, but that's a conversation for another post) No, actually-- it's not about how Mike feels, or even about how he expresses it. It's about how Eleven has PTSD.
Her life in the lab with Brenner essentially taught her that love is conditional, particularly about her abilities. She only received praise or affection if she impressed Papa with her powers; she was shunned and punished if she refused or couldn't do it.
We see this mentality carry over into her life after the lab as well-- if she fails, she feels immense guilt.
Often she pushes herself past her limits, insisting she can do it; because in her mind, if she can't, then she's no longer worthy of love.
Now that her psychic abilities are gone, her whole world has turned into this huge mess of doubt. Throw in the fact that Hopper is gone, they've moved to a new town away from all of her existing support systems aside from Joyce (who is apparently busy all the time), she's struggling to gain acceptance among new peers and is being bullied... She is clinging onto her relationship with Mike like it's the last thing she has, even resorting to lying to him in order to make it look like she's doing well; because Mike can't know that she's failing to fit in! She is so terrified of losing love, and all this doubt has her so convinced that she already has.
On Mike's end, however, all he can see from her letters to him is that she seems to be thriving, even enjoying her life away from him.
He expressed in later scenes that he has his own doubts and insecurities about this, that maybe there's something or someone out there better suited for her, more worthy of her love. This likely contributed to why he avoided the "L" word in his letters.
His own trauma from repeatedly losing her-- and being helpless to stop it-- comes into play, as well; if he allows himself to open up his heart and admit how much he loves her, it'll hurt so, so much if/when he loses her again. At the same time, I'm sure he's terrified of saying the wrong thing that may push her away.
It's also worth noting that Mike is generally not the best at verbally expressing himself-- he repeats himself, makes defensive outbursts without thinking, and awkwardly trips over his words. Mike's love language is his actions, in kind unspoken gestures, in quiet understanding and reassurance. Things that do not carry over well through letters alone, especially if he has no idea that she is in need of reassuring words. He couldn't see that she has been hurting this whole time. He's likely upset towards her for lying to him because he feels like he should have been there for her.
I've personally been there before-- it's hard to explain the mix of frustration and helplessness you feel when you realize a loved one has been suffering without your knowledge, when you feel like it should have been your responsibility to support them and you failed to, even though it's not your fault for not knowing. This entire situation/argument is something I've gone through with my partner; it is so realistic for a relationship involving someone with trauma like this, and it's a very mature thing for these kids to be handling (and Mike actually handled that conversation beautifully, if they wanted them to have an actual fight fight it could have been so much worse). I don't see it at all as an indication of a falling out between Mike and El. This was a necessary hurdle that they both need to work through, it's an indication that their relationship will strengthen from it.
#stranger things#mileven#also I will defend my son michael wheeler with my actual life dont even fuckin test me#i swear i cannot interact with the vast majority of the fanbase because of how much people VISCERALLY HATE him and i DO NOT understand#mileven fuels my soul#stranger things 4#mike wheeler#el hopper#mike and eleven
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Why do you wanna victimize yourself this bad there's nothing wrong with saying angry arab and that person definitely meant it as a good thing... They're arab..
my fucking god.
first of all i'm not "victimizing" myself. i am upset because that person, no matter what their background is, used a racist stereotype on my post that i am not comfortable with at all. it was wrong to say. you probably don't understand this bc ur not arab, but there is a difference between using a stereotype in our homeland vs using a stereotype in the diaspora. that person who called me an "angry arab" was a jordanian who lives in jordan. they are not part of the diaspora, and therefore do not understand how using the "angry arab" stereotype affects arabs in the disapora like me. arabs in the diaspora are faced with different forms of racism and stereotypes, and are constantly trying to get away from them because while a stereotype back home is just a joke that no one will take seriously, a stereotype in the diaspora is dangerous and people who are not arab can and WILL hatecrime you because of those stereotypes. i've been hatecrimed for my entire life in the diaspora, and i am CONSTANTLY trying to get away from stereotypes like the "angry arab" one because it not only reduces my trauma down to "lol they're just an angry arab" but it also demonizes me in the eyes on non-arabs and causes people to become afraid of arabs because of their subconscious or just outright racism. the "angry arab" stereotype is dangerous and i've been trying SO fucking hard to get away with it. plus the person who wrote that "angry arab" comment wrote it on my fucking vent post, where i was expressing my pain and trauma from when israeli soldiers held a gun to my face when i was 4 years old. i had every damn right to be upset, because that shit STILL causes me intense traumatic flashback episodes to this day and i genuinely lose sleep and my parts of my sanity because of the flashbacks have from that awful and terrifying moment. i had every right to be upset that someone was like "the angry arab rage is coming through my screen lol" on a post where i was talking about my trauma. the angry arab stereotype hurts so many people and reducing me at that moment to an "angry arab" when i have been hatecrimed all my life because of that fucking stereotype was not okay at ALL and anon i genuinely hope you choke on every meal you have for the rest of your life for telling me that i'm "victimizing myself"
there is absolutely something wrong using the "angry arab" stereotype and it genuinely harms people. even if the person used it to mean a good thing, it still wasn't right to say at ALL. in any case, i've talked it out with that person who said that and we are okay with each other now. they apologized and KNEW they were wrong for saying it. saying something in good faith doesn't mean it's not offensive. they apologized perfectly well and explained that they were jordanian and didn't realize that it was offensive for them to say. it was easily resolved and it's none of your fucking business either. i'm not fucking "victimizing" myself when i AM a victim of this racism, even if the racism comes from an arab directly. anon i hope you're really fucking proud of yourself you fucking cunt.
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The Curse of being a Gojo and the Blessing of Death
summary: losing the will to live and accepting death as Gojo's sister
genre: angst, no happy ending
words: 1k
Being a Gojo was an absolute curse, and even worse was that I was born a woman. Eventually, you get used to the neglect, the hurtful words they strike you with all because you're his weaker sister.
Adding more to this sob story, the higher ups absolutely despised me and if it wasn't for my cursed energy, they would have done what they did best. Eliminating those they fear because they know they can't handle power.
All I've ever wanted was to feel like I belonged somewhere. Where someone could just, understand how I feel and appreciate the things I do. A group of people to laugh and spend time with.
"Why did I have to be his sister" is all that ever comes into my head. I try to hate my brother, but how could I hate the person almost everybody loves and cherishes so much. I just wish we could be like family instead of being rivals I never wanted us to become.
After all that's happened in my life including the event here in Shibuya, maybe I can actually be worth something for the community for once.
Maybe I can finally give up my dream of creating a stronger connection with my older brother.
Give up on the dream that I could live happily among them
Letting go of the thought that they'll accept me as a woman.
Laying on the floor right now, it's pretty cold. Never been colder in my life before even after experiencing all their stares. Can't feel my legs, they're heavy, too heavy. And my fingers don't move too. Am I dying?
But why does it feel so... calming. I've always thought was death was a terrifying experience.
No one in my life ever cared expect for Fushiguro-san. He knew I was capable of being strong and even said that he wanted to duel when I was on level with him. He said I could do it, which implied that he believed in what I could do. Tears were always brought to the back of my eyes. He cared for me.
I could only talk to him a few times, and it would always be in the most discreet places where I could come across him. But despite only having a few conversations with him, I treated him like a friend, a brother, and even like a grumpy dad.
I laugh at the thought of him driving me to school, which would never happen. But does it really matter what I think right now? The blood is leaving my body really fast, and Toji isn't here anymore. The only person who ever cared and appreciated my existence.
My brother's sealed in a box, and I couldn't help at all. He'll probably hate me so much when he gets out. No, he will hate me. Give me that stare that I fear everytime. His voice cold unlike his usual tone to everyone else. Why does brother hate me so much.
No one's around, last person I saw was Shoko, right before I left where her and Yaga-sensei were located. I wasn't even informed of the disaster but now I'm a victim of it. I guess this was the biggest blessing of my whole life.
Yaga-sensei removed the collar suppressing my cursed energy and told me I wouldn't need it when I get there. These moments only happen when I'm out on a mission to kill curses of higher grades. Always being accompanied by someone who has the ability to unlock my collar, like I'm some kind of dog.
The lights are getting brighter, what's taking so long. Why can't I just die already, it's hurting so much. I cry at the pain, I never wanted pain, no one does.
"GOJO-SAN!!" a voice yells in the distance.
Oh, it's that strawberry haired boy, with tiger stripes.
They've always refrained me from meeting him, probably cause he's got the soul of an angel. They didn't want me forming good connections with everyone fearing I'll get too comfortable and possibly overcome and be stronger than my brother which doesn't make sense at all.
I've only ever caught a few glimpses of him, he's hella cute, and his iconic red hoodie specially designed just for him that makes him stand out. I'm thinking a lot right now, I guess this is what happens when you die slowly and try to relieve the pain by having your mind busy with thoughts.
"Gojo-san, what happened?! I'm bringing you to Shoko-san right now, stay with me!" Yuji says as he picks my body up carefully, securing my limbs in place before he sprints to where we're heading.
"Thank you yuji, for caring. It feels really nice, to receive your kindness. You're a good kid" I tell him, my voice hoarse and light.
I don't even think he heard it, but I can't deal with the pain anymore. Almost like, I can't feel anything too. Can't hear his heavy breathing hoping to get me there on time, the wind rushing by us, the sound his feet make when it comes into contact with the ground.
"Gojo-san?..." Yuji slows down
Gojo Y/N sleeps eternally, in the hands of a boy who holds a curse within him
Gojo Y/N is finally at peace, after being neglected all her life
They lay in in Yuji's arms, a soft smile displayed on their lips with their eyes closed.
#jujutsu kaisen angst#jujutsu kaisen#gojo satoru#yuji itadori#gojo angst#jjk angst#shibuya arc#gojo!reader#can someone make a fic out of this shit post please
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Farewell, My Friend💔😭
(PSA: Possible spoiler warnings for The Murder of Me by the Zielo Cave. Only a couple panels, but still...)
So, on Monday night, I was at work, and I checked my phone, mostly out of habit. (I don't recommend doing this, btw, it's a good way to get you written up or worse.) And I saw that I had a YouTube notification on my lock screen. So I open my phone and pull down my drop bar to have a look. And literally saw the absolute worst news.
TMOM is over from The Zielo Cave
Now for those of you that don't know: The Murder of Me, AKA TMOM, is a Sonic the Hedgehog fan comic that first debuted I think 15 or so years ago, give or take, and as much as I would love to claim that I've been a fan since the beginning, I only discovered TMOM about a year or so ago. (I have the worst luck when it comes to finding things; I'm always late to the party 🥺)
When I discovered TMOM I was in a terrible rut. I hadn't posted anything in YEARS, and the writing I had done I kept locked away in notebooks, never to see the light of day. I had no inspiration, no motivation to tell stories. It was a horrible place to be. (-10000/10 recommendation.) Then I was scrolling through Pinterest one day, and I saw a panel of this random comic.
You could probably imagine my reaction. It's so random. Then more cropped up:
My thoughts went HAYWIRE. "Why is Sonic fighting his mother? Why's he dressed like that? WHY IS HE DROWNING?? WHY ARE KNUX AND TAILS LETTING HIM DROWN??? WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING???" So I went hunting, and came across The Murder of Me by Gigi-D on DeviantArt.
I was HOOKED. The plot was so well thought out, the characterization was incredibly done, and as you can see, the art itself was BEAUTIFUL. I couldn't get enough. I flat out ignored life and read through 14 issues in one sitting. It took me all day but it was so worth it. AND THEN: I discovered the dubs on YouTube, and found that Gigi-D had decided to put together a creative team to produce the issues of The Murder of Me as episodic dubs, and I fell head over heels. The cast and editing was absolutely phenomenal, and The Murder of Me had my heart, hook, line, and sinker. What was even better was that they turned Issue 15 into an animatic episode.
Episode 15 Part 1: Purpose released on October 30th, 2022, and since then I have been anxiously awaiting the next episode by rewatching the series and all the prequels and bonus episodes I could get my mouse on. I even forced my best friend one night to binge the entire series with me, and she's not nearly as much of a Sonic fan as I am!
TMOM was more than a great watch or story for me. It was inspiration. I had an itch in my fingers that grew from writing a TMOM fanfiction that would stay hidden away into it's own complex project who's rough draft is now in production. (And could very well be released this summer if all goes well.) It was life breathed into my creativity. It was hope. For the first time in a very long time, I wanted to write. To tell a story like Gigi-D and the Zielo Cave.
And then that notification came. It was like a punch in the stomach. I was terrified and without watching it, I reacted and sent it to my best friend, wailing that once again, a story that I loved was being abandoned. That the writers were giving up. I was indignant. Screw that, I was angry and hurt.
Then I watched the video. I listened to Gigi's story, and immediately felt shamed by my own reaction. The Zielo Cave had been saying that Part Two was taking a while because of personal situations, and when Gigi revealed what had happened, that her inspiration was gone and couldn't bring herself to even sketch these characters that she loved so dearly...my heart shattered for her. While I might not really know or understand the pain of her personal situation, I do know what it is to completely lose the passion for your story. For the characters you still love, but can't bring yourself to engage with.
And while my heart of hearts aches, I know Gigi is doing the right thing. No one wants a story that it's writer is dragging their heels to share, can't bring themselves to write. God knows I've tried that, and trust me, it only hurts everyone. The writer, the fans, and the story itself. By ending TMOM here, she's protecting TMOM and its fans, and even though my heart breaks for TMOM's fate and (mostly) for her, I couldn't be more proud of her. The courage and strength it takes to walk away from such a huge part of your life in search of something more, something better?
Not only that, but honor the work and effort her team has given for Part Two and post it anyway, even though it's unfinished? To offer a written conclusion for the series for the fans that want to know what happens? I've never heard of any creator doing that, ever. All that I have seen would NEVER post any unfinished content, or unveil the unwritten plot and ending. And while I'm devastated for what that means, that TMOM is well and truly concluded and Gigi will probably NEVER return, as a fan of this series, I'm so grateful that what happens to these characters won't remain a mystery.
And to repeat what I said in the comment section of the announcement video: I pray a future that is bright and beautiful for you, and you discover what an amazing person you on this journey of healing. You're going to be magnificent because you are already an incredible person, Gigi. I can't express how important TMOM has been for me, how inspiring the story has been when I was down and unable to pursue my own creativity in my writing, and I just want to thank you for the years of dedication, passion, and love you and your team have given us through The Murder of Me. I bless all the paths you walk from this day forward, and all my love and support for you goes with you on your journeys for all the rest of your days.
The Murder of Me is over. I will always be a TMOM fan, and I will always love Gigi-D and the Zielo Cave for giving me inspiration, passion, and hope for my writing again. It's because of TMOM that The Three Sovereigns even made it to development and is now currently being written with the hope of release this summer, and The Three Sovereigns will always be a tribute to The Murder of Me and the hope this story has given me.
Thank you so much, Gigi-D, the Zielo Cave, and The Murder of Me, and fare thee well, my friend.
#sonic the hedgehog#shadow the hedgehog#sth#the murder of me#tmom#zielo cave#gigi-d#fan comic#sonic au#this is the end#sadgirl#this is painful#im hurtin#heartache#heartbroken#goodbye#goodbye TMOM#im crying#fic teaser#up and coming#fanfic writer#writers on tumblr#writeblr#fanfic#writerscommunity#writing#In honor of TMOM#the three sovereigns#i am not okay#very very unokay
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I hate hate hate having to talk about this stuff because I know 98% of y'all are not the problem, and the remaining 2% are probably not going to care in the slightest. but I need to set some boundaries and explain why I'm getting frustrated before any more resentment builds.
I've been writing for cillian murphy characters since july 26 when I posted 'thoughtless', since then I've released well over one hundred thousand words of content for him. I'm not exaggerating, I counted. it's been five and a half weeks and I've posted 14 full-length one shots which means I'm posting more than twice a week. that's not even including drabbles/requests.
I'm getting concerned that this has set a precedent that people are holding me to and I'm getting annoyed by the entitlement in some of my asks and comments.
first things first, and I know nobody means anything bad by this but it's pissing me off: stop using the phrase "full smut" in your requests, it's driving me crazy. this started abruptly after I posted a bunch of drabbles in one sitting based on y'all's ideas and requests. I did that as a way to try out new ideas and appease people who hadn't had their concepts written about yet. instead of people being happy with what I wrote for them, people got frustrated that the drabbles were drabble-length and not thousands of words long like my full fics (which take me several days to write, rather than an hour or less which is the point of short requests). ever since, people won't stop coming into my inbox talking about making a "full smut" for a certain character or idea as if they're terrified that I'll only post something short. I usually don't post short things. I feel now like those drabbles were a colossal waste of time because all they did was make people afraid I wouldn't write longer stuff; I wanted to open requests again because I had fun, but now I feel like it's a bad idea because it'll just leave people frustrated when they see it's not whatever a "full smut" is and then tell me it's incomplete and I need to write more. a short drabble can very well be a complete story. stop asking for "full smut" PLEASE. just tell me what you're interested in reading and trust that, as the author, I will tell the story in the correct length of time.
secondly, the way people are asking for stories about new characters is getting out of control. I think you guys don't realize that I only post less than half of the asks I get, because they are so repetitive and constant. I have literally over 2000 unanswered asks currently. if I answered all the asks I received, I would lose followers because it clogs the dash and half of them are the same questions.
and I'm just gonna say this one explicitly: please stop asking me to write for cillian's character in the movie 'anna'. I'm not saying that I won't or that I don't want to. but I need you to understand that I get easily 3-5 asks a DAY about this character and I am exhausted. I'm not particularly interested in watching the movie. not only does it look like it's probably just not that good, but on a very personal note, I am in recovery for an eating disorder (and relapsed recently) and I just... don't wanna watch a movie with a runway model in the leading role right now. I'm sorry if that feels like body shaming or something but I've been waiting until I feel like I can watch it without feeling sick or enraged. it should come as a surprise to no one who is familiar with my work that I'm not a particularly mentally healthy person. but that's only part of it; I answered asks about this character for a while saying I wanted to write for him eventually, but I had to stop because people just asked about him every day anyways without reading my very recent posts with the same question. I'm still not ruling it out. I'm just warning you guys that it will be a while.
people are now commenting requests for new characters ON MY CURRENT FICS FOR UNRELATED CHARACTERS. how entitled and dense do you have to be to do that? I can't believe this has to be said, but comments on my fics should be... related to the content of the fic you're commenting on.
to be clear, I'm not mad at anyone for doing this stuff (except that last one, that's unforgivably ridiculous) because I think the intentions are pure. but now that I've explained why this stuff bothers me, I'm asking you to put a little more thought into how you phrase your questions and comments. to be clear: for the most part I feel incredibly supported and appreciated here and I've been very impressed by this fandom's ability to not be morality police and manage their own content consumption. a lot of you have reached out with concern about the speed at which I was producing and I totally understand and value that. I honestly think I can keep up that pace for a little while longer... I just wanted to explain why I'm getting a little irritated and hopefully decrease the amount of asks I get repeating the same two or three things.
so, tl;dr -- I've been having a lot of fun writing and I plan to keep doing it as much as I can. some people are spoiling the fun for everyone by being (usually unintentionally) entitled and impatient. I don't mind you guys showing enthusiasm for things you'd like to see from me, in fact it's helpful because it tells me what might get a good reception. but please be thoughtful in how you make these requests and please support what I've already written if you want to see more. I think non-writers have a hard time understanding how inspiration works (hell, even writers don't really understand it in ourselves lol) and so it kinda just seems like if I can write about one thing I can write about any thing. but I only write so much and so fast because I write what speaks to me and not other people's ideas. again, thank you so much for all the love and support this past month!!
p.s. I also get asks multiple times a day asking when I will post a fic, especially if I've announced it. I always post fics between 4 and 5 PM central US time. I would recommend calculating when that is for you and I promise you'll find me posting very reliably at this time on days I have fics announced. hopefully this saves us all some trouble in the future lmao
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Hi, could you do a dark!rafe x reader where they are friends since childhood, but the reader will go to college outside obx, rafe doesn't like the idea so he tries to hold her back. You can have breeding kink, cock warming and somnophilia with the "I have been dreaming about you."
Thank you and sorry if it's a lot 😭😭
I hope you have understood, English is not my first language.
I love this request. This is definitely one of my favorites. I'm going to do it in Rafe's pov, because this specific request will be easier to write that way, so I hope that's okay.
Keeping Her
Part two
Part three
Part four
Warnings: Deception, entrapment, breeding kink, unprotected sex, cock-warming, somnophilia, dub-con, sub!reader, dom!Rafe Cameron.
Summary: For years, Rafe has only had one person keeping him grounded, one person that has always been able to keep him going. And when Rafe Cameron finds out the reader, who is the only person in the world he needs, is off to college and away from him, he comes up with a way to get her to stay. He knows it's wrong, but he needs her. And he'll do anything to keep her.
Word count: 1,227
I trail my fingers lightly down the soft skin of her arm as she sleeps, feeling her skin for myself as if it is the last time I'm going to feel it.
And it is.
She got a scholarship to Yale. It's been her dream school since she was ten, and when she got the acceptance letter in the mail, she was ecstatic. She was sad that she would have to leave OBX, but her happiness about getting into the prestige college quickly overpowered that sadness.
I wanted to ask her to stay, to give up going to college, and to stay with me in OBX, but I was afraid she would say no. I was terrified.
Since I was ten and she was eight, she has been the only person that I've always been able to count on. Through all the fights with my father, all my addictions, and all my urges to do bad things, she stayed with me. She got me through it all, and I fell in love with her in a way that I hadn't even thought possible.
And now, she's leaving.
I can't let her.
She is everything. If she leaves, I won't survive it. I'll go back to the drugs. I'll go back to the fighting. I'll go back to it all and lose myself just as I almost had so many times before.
I need her. More than she can possibly understand. And I just hope she can forgive me for ruining her dream. I hope she can understand that I need her more than she needs to go to college.
I slowly pull her panties to the side and feel how wet she is in her sleep. I almost groan when I slide my fingers over her exposed slit when I feel just how wet.
Slowly, I turn her over so that she is on her back before gently spreading her legs.
She always had a thing for being fucked while she was sleeping, and I was more than happy to oblige. As long as I always pulled out or used a condom, she had no problem with me fucking her at any place and at any time, including when she was asleep.
I carefully get on top of her and place one of her legs on my hip in order to get better access to what I need. Once I do, I place my already hard cock at her entrance and slowly push in, being careful not to wake her. Not yet.
I continue pushing inside of her tight cunt until I bottom out with a quiet groan. I have to take a few deep breaths to calm myself in order to stop myself from pounding into her.
Once I regain my composure, I slowly pull out of her and push back in. I repeat this process over and over, working both her and myself up.
And even though she is in a deep sleep, her brows furrow in pleasure, and tiny moans escape her beautiful lips.
Even in her sleep, she knows I'm the only one who can make her feel this way.
I bring my hand down and in between the two of our joined bodies until I find her clit. I press my thumb down on the little nub and begin rubbing tight circles into it, just the way she likes.
She squirms when I touch her clit, and the corner of my lips kicks up. "Come on, pretty girl. Time to wake up," I whisper, pinching her clit.
A gasp escapes her mouth, and her beautiful eyes pop open.
"There she is," I smile, increasing the speed of my thrusts.
"Rafe," she says in a confused voice. She looks around, and it takes her a few moments to realize where she is and what is happening, but when she finally understands, she relaxes into the pillow and moans my name.
"I've been dreaming about you," I tell her. "I've been dreaming about fucking you awake, making you cum around me in your sleep."
A whimper escapes her lips at my words, and she tightens around me.
"You like that idea, don't you?" I ask, and she nods, her eyebrows furrowing in pure pleasure.
"Of course, you do," I chuckle. "You asked me to do it. To fuck you awake. To wake you up with my cock inside you." I emphasize what I'm saying with three hard thrusts that make her moan.
"Rafe," she whimpers, one of her hands grabbing onto my exposed bicep.
"You're going to cum, aren't you, Y/N?" I ask, and she nods, still somewhat delirious from having just woken up. I can tell by the fact that she's having trouble keeping her eyes open that she's still half-asleep.
Just what I want.
I lean forward and place a kiss on her neck. She shivers when my lips meet her skin, and I smile.
I close my lips around the skin of her neck and begin sucking. I don't stop until I know that there is a prominent mark on the skin of her neck. Once there is, I move onto another part of her neck and repeat the process, all while fucking her perfect little cunt.
When I hear that little catch in her throat, I remove my lips from her neck and quickly press my lips to hers, knowing that she is going to cum.
The second our lips meet, she tightens around me and cums with a loud moan that I swallow with a kiss.
I groan as she cums around me because her pussy is clenching me like a fucking vice, but she's too busy wrapped up in her orgasm to notice.
When she slips her tongue into my mouth, my stomach tightens, and I release myself inside of her with a groan, not even trying to last as long as I normally do.
We come down from our orgasms lying with our naked bodies pressed against each other, and even when Y/N's eyes flutter open, she doesn't seem to realize that I have just finished inside of her. She just smiles up at me, her hooded eyes watching me with a look of infatuation. "I love you, Rafe."
My heart bleeds at her words, not only because I have longed to hear her say that ever since I was a child, but also because I already feel guilty for what I've done.
I quickly swallow the lump in my throat and tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. "I love you too, Y/N. I always have."
The way that her smile widens upon hearing my words makes my heart flutter and shatter all at once.
Averting my gaze, I carefully pull out of her before settling back into the position I was in ten minutes ago; right behind her with her back turned to me and my arm around her waist. I slip my cock back inside of her in order to make sure that my cum stays inside of her, and she doesn't even notice.
I whisper sweet nothings in her ear as she drifts off into sleep, and just before I feel her slip under, I tell her that I love her.
And when she slips into sleep, I whisper into her ear, "I just hope you can forgive me."
Taglist: @phildunphyisadilf @houseofperfecttaste @onmykneesforrafe @ailee-celeste @i-always-come-back-xoxo @outerbankspov @belcalis9503
#rafe cameron x y/n#outerbanks rafe#rafe cameron#rafe obx#rafe outer banks#smut#obx smut#rafe cameron x reader#rafe cameron x you#rafe cameron imagine#rafe cameron fanfiction#rafe cameron fic#rafe cameron obx#rafe cameron smut#rafe cameron one shot
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Dramatic starters
"I can't believe you lied to me all this time!"
"I never meant to hurt you. Please, let me explain."
"I trusted you with everything, and you betrayed me!"
"I never wanted it to come to this. I'm so sorry."
"You're tearing our family apart with your selfishness!"
"I never intended for things to end up like this. I'm trying to find a way to fix it."
"I can't forgive you for what you've done. It's unforgivable."
"I know I've made mistakes, but I'm begging you to give me a chance to make it right."
"I thought you were the one person I could rely on. I guess I was wrong."
"I'm flawed, just like everyone else. But I'm willing to fight for us, for our friendship."
"You've changed, and I don't recognize you anymore."
"I've been going through a lot, and I'm struggling to find myself again. Please, be patient with me."
"I can't bear the pain you've caused me. It's too much."
"I never meant to hurt you. If only I could go back and change things…"
"I can't be with someone who constantly pushes me away."
"I'm terrified of getting hurt. I'm trying to protect myself, but I don't want to lose you."
"I feel so alone, even when you're right beside me."
"I'm here for you. I want to be the person you can lean on."
"Why won't you let me in? I'm trying to understand."
"I've built walls around myself for so long, it's hard to let them down. But I want to try."
"Our love used to be so strong. What happened?"
"Life got in the way, and we lost sight of what truly mattered. But I'm willing to fight for us."
"You've made me question everything I thought I knew about us."
"I'm just as lost as you are."
"I'm drowning in this pain, and you're the one who caused it."
"I wish I could take it all back. I'm truly sorry."
"I don't know if we can ever go back to the way things were."
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Jealous hearts
Jealous Olivia :( (this is a request from @swiftsmlb!!)
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I spotted her from across the room, laughing and talking animatedly with someone I didn't recognize. My heart clenched uncomfortably in my chest as I watched them. She looked so happy, so engaged. It was supposed to be our night, and yet she was giving all her attention to someone else.
I took a deep breath, trying to calm the rising tide of jealousy. It wasn't like me to get this worked up, but I couldn't help it. She was special, and seeing her with someone else felt like a knife twisting in my gut.
"Hey, Liv, you okay?" one of my friends asked, noticing my distracted state.
"Yeah, just give me a minute," I replied, forcing a smile before making my way over to her.
As I approached, I could hear her laughter, see the way her eyes sparkled as she talked. The person she was with—a tall, attractive woman—was hanging on her every word. It made my blood boil.
"Hey," I said, my voice coming out sharper than I intended. "Having fun?"
She turned to me, her smile faltering a little when she saw the look on my face. "Olivia, hey! I was just catching up with an old friend. This is Taylor."
Taylor offered me a friendly smile, but I barely acknowledged it. My focus was entirely on her. "Can I talk to you for a second?" I asked, trying to keep my tone light.
"Sure," she said, giving Taylor an apologetic look before following me to a quieter corner of the room. "What's up?"
"What's up?" I repeated, my voice rising despite my efforts to stay calm. "I've been standing there watching you give all your attention to someone else for the past hour."
She frowned, clearly taken aback. "Olivia, it's not like that. Taylor is just an old friend. We were catching up."
"An old friend who's clearly very interested in you," I snapped, unable to keep the bitterness out of my voice.
She sighed, running a hand through her hair. "Liv, you're overreacting. There's nothing going on between us."
"Then why did it look like you were enjoying her company more than mine?" I shot back, feeling the tears of frustration prick at the corners of my eyes.
"Why are you acting like this?" she asked, her voice a mixture of confusion and annoyance. "It's just a conversation."
"Just a conversation?" I echoed, my voice growing louder. "You were practically glowing, and she couldn't take her eyes off you. How am I supposed to feel?"
"Like you trust me!" she replied, her voice rising to match mine. "I can't believe you're getting this worked up over nothing."
"Nothing? It didn't look like nothing to me," I said, my frustration boiling over. "It looked like you were enjoying her attention a little too much."
She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. "Liv, you're blowing this out of proportion. I care about you, not her. You have to believe that."
I looked away, feeling a mixture of anger and hurt. "I just... I don't want to lose you."
"You're not going to lose me," she said softly, stepping closer and placing a hand on my arm. "But you need to trust me, Olivia. We can't keep doing this."
I met her gaze, my anger slowly dissipating. "I'm sorry. I just get so scared sometimes. You're everything to me, and the thought of losing you to someone else terrifies me."
She pulled me into a hug, her touch soothing my frayed nerves. "I understand. But you have to trust that I feel the same way about you. You're the one I want to be with."
I buried my face in her shoulder, taking comfort in her presence. "Promise?"
"Promise," she whispered, pulling back to look me in the eyes. "Now, let's get out of here. Just the two of us."
I nodded, feeling a sense of relief wash over me. "I'd like that."
We left the party, hand in hand, finding a quiet spot where we could be alone. I led her to a small, cozy café nearby that I knew stayed open late. We found a corner booth, and I ordered us some hot cocoa, hoping to warm both of our spirits.
"Thank you for bringing me here," she said, her fingers lacing with mine across the table.
"Of course," I replied, squeezing her hand. "I just needed some time alone with you. I'm sorry I got so jealous."
She smiled gently. "It's okay, Olivia. I understand. But you don't have to worry about anyone else. I'm here with you because I want to be."
Her words reassured me, but I still felt a lingering doubt. "It's just... I see how people look at you, and it scares me. I don't want to lose you."
"You won't," she said firmly. "You're the only one I want, Liv. You have to trust me."
"I do trust you," I said, meeting her gaze. "It's just hard sometimes. You're amazing, and I guess I feel like I have to keep proving myself to you."
"You don't have to prove anything," she said, her eyes softening. "Just be yourself. That's all I want."
Our drinks arrived, and we sipped them in comfortable silence for a while. The warmth of the cocoa and the cozy atmosphere helped ease the tension I had been feeling. After a few minutes, she reached out and took my hand again.
"Let's make a deal," she said, her voice soft but serious. "No more jealousy. If either of us feels insecure, we'll talk about it. No assumptions, no jumping to conclusions. Deal?"
I nodded, grateful for her understanding. "Deal."
We finished our drinks and left the café, walking hand in hand down the quiet streets. The night was cool, but her presence made me feel warm and secure. We talked about everything and nothing, just enjoying each other's company.
Eventually, we found ourselves at a small park. The playground was empty, and we took a seat on one of the swings, gently swaying back and forth. She leaned her head on my shoulder, and I wrapped my arm around her, holding her close.
"This is nice," she murmured, her eyes half-closed.
"Yeah, it is," I agreed, feeling a sense of peace settle over me. "I'm sorry again for getting so worked up. I just care about you so much."
"I know," she said, lifting her head to look at me. "And I care about you too. We're going to be okay, Olivia. As long as we have each other, we'll be fine."
I smiled, feeling the truth of her words. "You're right. We will be."
We stayed there for a while, just enjoying the quiet night and each other's presence. Eventually, we decided to head back to her place. As we walked, I felt a renewed sense of hope and confidence in our relationship. We could get through anything as long as we communicated and trusted each other.
When we reached her doorstep, she turned to me with a smile. "Thank you for tonight, Liv. I had a wonderful time, despite everything."
"Me too," I said, leaning in to kiss her softly. "Let's do this again soon. Just us."
"Definitely," she replied, her eyes sparkling with affection. "Goodnight, Olivia."
"Goodnight, beautiful," I said, watching as she slipped inside.
As I walked back to my car, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of contentment. Spoiling her, seeing her smile, it all made me happier than I could have ever imagined. And I knew that this was just the beginning of something truly special.
#olivia rodrigo#fluff#olivia rodrigo x reader#livies#wlw#wlw blog#wlw love#wlw post#wlw sfw#biseuxal#taylor swift#reference#taylor#mentioned#jealous#jealousy#gfs*
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HI I just happened to have stumbled upon your account and got very excited to see someone talking about the story for this HSR update because I’m still processing!! I know you’ve mainly been talking about Aventurine (understandably so), but I’d love to know your thoughts on the conversation between him and Acheron. Idk something about that scene really stuck to me through everything. I think it reveals so much about each of them as individuals and even their relationship? But yea how did you see it and what are your thoughts and
i loved it! like i said, i really, really, really enjoyed the way she shunned the nihility despite her position as an emanator. that was thematically perfect. she's a "raiden mei" who lost her "kiana" (and subsequently, her home, her planet, and everything she knew). she has been engulfed by despair, plagued by loss on an unimaginable scale. it would be so easy for her to drown in the nihility - to lose herself in the pointlessness and unfairness of it all... but she doesn't. she actively chooses to value life and individual choices. when aventurine starts talking about the nihility enveloping everyone and always being There, she tells him it's pointless. "it" not as in life, but as in the nihility itself.
and she's right! if it's always there, then what's the point in paying it any mind? that energy is better put into cherishing the time you do have to be alive. life matters because it always comes to an end. like, remember the xianzhou? yeah.
everything she had to say about endings and death is basically my own perspective on the matter. so that was really gratifying ^^ it's not a perspective i often see explored to the extent hsr did, because like i've said before... many stories are afraid to go prodding at the idea of death. many people are terrified of it. but like... why bother with that? it's there, it will happen to all of us, that's fine, i don't mind, i'm not going to despair over it. because the journey and the memories we make along the way are what matters
(good old red text blending in badly with this alternate color palette of hers... "And because of this, the 'end' will thus reveal a completely different meaning.")
she really was the perfect person to convey this. not just because of the subversion of the entire philosophy of nihilism - i think aventurine needed to hear it all. from her specifically. hard to keep arguing that life is pointless because it always ends in death when an emanator of nihility tells you that's not true. he hasn't valued his own life since... well . ever, it seems. even in his childhood he was ready to gamble it all away (the flashback where he risks his life to retrieve his sister's necklace)
his current gamble isn't over yet. he managed to stay one step ahead of sunday and provoked acheron into attacking him and getting him to this "other side" of the memory zone/dreamscape. but now he has to get out - and from what i understand, this is the part where all those official deaths on penacony's record happened. it wasn't them being "killed" in the dreamscape; it was their attempt to leave this "other side." if he can do it, i think he'll come out with a new appreciation for his life and a new sense of peace - and perhaps some freedom from the IPC, finally. the other stonehearts seem to think he's actually dead, right? here's his chance to slip free. which is the real reason why he went this far in the first place, btw :)
#aughhhhhhhhhhhhthis game#i hope aventurine gets the chance to see acheron at least one more time...#i think being friends and seeing each other regularly might be off the table for them both#but that doesn't make the bond they managed to form any less powerful#i just want them to know the other got out of the penacony death maze safely#mailbox
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This feels like a weird thing to ask someone but I greatly respect your ability to speak your honest critical opinion (and in such well spoken terms) in an internet atmosphere where you can get crucified for saying anything less than full-throated praise--and that's exactly my issue.
I run a small, fandom-oriented Youtube channel and despite knowing that I'm entitled to critical opinions, that I don't even want the attention of delusional reactionaries anyway, etc etc I'm finding it incredibly difficult to share what I really think of some shows + aspects of fandom and shipping. I've become weirdly terrified of saying one perfectly logical thing that does not align with the elaborate fantasy some people have built in their heads and getting canceled/losing the small base of followers I've managed to cobble together. The real nightmare is sharing something harmless like a shipping opinion and having purity culture come for me and call me a p*dophile for absolutely no reason.
But at the same time I feel like a spineless coward for letting the toxic side of fandom win by scaring me into silence, especially when one of my goals for the channel from the beginning was to create a place where level headed critical opinion could be shared without fear of gross overreaction and slander.
So I guess my questions are: is it as easy for you to speak honestly as it seems? Have you ever flinched before? Is it just about not caring what irrational people think or is there something else to it I'm missing? Sometimes it feels like my fears are valid and sometimes it feels like I just need to grow a backbone and get over it already.
Hey anon,
So I think there is one really big factor here: I am posting anonymously and facelessly and I don’t mind if I alienate people on the basis of an opinion I genuinely hold. If you’re actively trying to build a following and/or if you’ve made yourself identifiable, then I do in fact understand holding back more for reasons of trying to keep that following, or for reasons of personal safety.
But yeah: it’s mostly just that strangers who send anon hate don’t know jack shit about my life or me as a person; they just see an opinion that, as you said, challenges the elaborate fantasy in their head and attack the person who said it. I have, genuinely, been told things that I know for myself to be demonstrably false about my life (not even opinions about me I reject - demonstrably false things) by people who are ultimately just mad that I don’t like their characters or ships. I would obviously feel terrible if a person I knew in real life accused me of something terrible, and I’d still feel bad if it were someone I interacted with online with any sort of regularity, but someone hiding behind complete anonymity? They’re not calling me names because they genuinely think I’m bigoted. They’re calling me names because they are willing to use tools to try to drag me down because they cannot accept I don’t feel the same way they do about a character. They’re like when conservatives claim that denying service to queer people is religious freedom - they are using what appears to be a legitimate appeal to ostensible shared values, but really they’re exploiting the system and people's desire to take things in good faith because they can't stand not getting their way.
The other thing, and I recognize how much I sound like my parents here, is that your bullies are thinking about you more than you think about them. Anyone who sends hate desperately wants you to agree with them. Show them you are not thinking of them.
And finally, some of the hate I’ve gotten has genuinely been about the most anodyne things, which ironically helps because once you realize that no matter how bland an opinion is, some asshole will foam at the mouth about it. Like, again, I definitely talk plenty of shit about ships or characters or choices I don’t like, but I got some wildly out of pocket shit from people who apparently could not tolerate the completely random example I used to illustrate a fairly uncontroversial and popular opinion re: ship tagging on ao3. And once something like that happens you realize that there’s no point in avoiding the spicier stuff.
I don’t know if this helps, and I recognize that I happen to have a particularly contrarian and not remotely conflict-averse personality. I respect the many people who are not willing to put up with hate and I don’t blame you if you’re one of them; at points in my life I have not been in a place to put up with it and was much less outspoken. But in the end, the thing about people who harass you is that they care so, so much about you agreeing with them, and if you tell them a flat firm no while also making it clear you don’t give a shit if they ever agree with you, they do tend to eventually give up upon realizing how one-sided their obsession is.
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Writing Patterns
Thank you to @mx-myth!
This is supposed to be first sentence of my last 10 AO3 works.
But I'm modifying like... everything lol - I play with format with my writing and one thing I definitely do a lot is quote lines from the canon, so I'm going to be putting first few sentences/paragraph/sequence to work past those and for consistency. And like @mx-myth I'll also be adding a few last sentences for the few published works I have, just for fun. I'm including wips because I don't have a large body work. For WIP it'll be first sentence only. lmao is this the same tag challenge at all?
01. SAMSARA ( wip - Mysterious Lotus Casebook: FangDi - with past DiHuaDi - transmigration rebirth modern AU with a deeply traumatized actor Di Feisheng trying to both rescue this world's version of LLH while also running away from him and FDB with all his might.)
Imagine this: you live, you kill, you lick dirt from the shoes of your masters. You fail to die so many times you begin to wonder if you're immortal.
02. everything looks small - we gave up on those happy endings (wip MLC - This is the story I've been torturing myself with the past 2 months: Trio + Wuyan and a random Hulijing)
"Do you not remember me at all? Does the name Di Feisheng mean anything to you?"
Li Lianhua smiles as he gathers his winnings. "Of course I remember you. You're my kind and rich friend."
But that can't be right, Fang Duobing thinks as Li Lianhua tells him about his recently made acquaintance over dinner, his sightless eyes shining with a familiar brightness - just for a moment. That can't be right, because Di Feisheng has been missing for months.
03. 囍 Marriage (wip MLC - There are a lot of dead brides and ruined marriages in this series so I'm continuing the tradition. fanghua with possible difanghua and difanghuajlq. Sorta.)
He wakes choking, clawing free from the ropes binding his wrists to press trembling fingers to agonized lips that are sewn shut with some kind of fine thread. There is a golden ingot trapped behind his teeth, stretching his jaw open against strained stitching. He chokes as he struggles to breathe through his nose and the lump of metal presses against the back of his tongue to slip further against his throat. He's terrified the blackness means he's also been blinded.
04. flight is something done willfully (wip MLC - fangdi, immediately post-canon - something something about having to finally deal with fdb's trauma surrounding loss and abandonment and dfs having a fuckton of patience in dealing with fdb's prolonged panic attack that mobilizes a small militias, the Minister of the Treasury, and sigu sect leadership)
You made the mistake of thinking words would finally be acceptable. After all, you are now free. A potential cure for poison has been handed over. All is well.
You can relax and open your mouth and actually let real words come out. But the thing is, your tacit understanding only lasts as long as neither of you try to actually communicate.
05. The Universe of Us : When you lose a person, a whole universe goes along with them (wip MLC - timeloop and a battle between opposing spirits)
When Fang Duobing and Di Feisheng meet again, it is at the same time, on the same beach where they find nothing but the ocean, a pile of fermenting seaweed and their own memories.
They are like strangers absorbed in their own grief. It's no matter. To Di Feisheng, they met because of Li Lianhua, so it’s fitting that they are both strangers now without him.
06. 羽化成蝶 Metamorphosis (DFS' core is untouchable - idk where I'm going with this but the main concept is internal vs external form)
A familiar dao thumps onto the table as a handsomely dressed giantess seats herself across from Li Xiangyi. "I have the list," she says with no introduction. Her voice is low and fuzzy, like someone who's spent a lifetime with a pipe in hand and smoke in her lungs - it wasn't unpleasant.
"Di-mengzhu," Li Xiangyi greets politely as he pours her tea. A faint wildness in his eyes is his only acknowledgement that he is facing something unexpected.
07. Pear Blossoms In Spring ( wip - Mysterious Lotus Casebook: FangDi - meant to be a silly romance but turned into a comedy about a shaoye who keeps comparing the love of his life to his favorite dead horse)
“Ah, this is the Iron Head Slave. Remember?” says Li Lianhua the Lying Liar gesturing to the tall, leggy beauty blocking their path. “His name is a-Fei.”
08. the moon is as bright as it was before (my first finished and posted fic in many years and it's an experimental thought piece for Mysterious Lotus Casebook)
the existence of a torture chamber beside the wedding bedroom and its contents shouldn’t be a surprise at this point. and yet… it’s the redundancy you find offensive. she has a multi-chamber dungeon. she has a water chamber in her own quarters. why must it extend here as well?
under the moon’s blessing, you smile back and for the first time in your life, you hope for the future.
09. I, Augustus (Tour Of the Merrimack - gay space roman that can't decide whether he wants to kill or fuck an american and which is worse? who knows)
It was sound that went first. Eardrums deadened, he careened off the bridge, chest so full of metal he'd lost count how many times he'd been shot. He could see the flash-bang of incendiary rounds as they were fired from both his fellow 300 and the advancing Americans, the light momentarily coloring roiling black smoke with flashes of pink and yellow.
He dreams instead of possibility, of new worlds and unmappable futures, their patterns varied and far reaching as the ever expanding universe.
10. An Affair to Remember: The Commissar and His Snake (Warhammer 40k fandom - A Guant's Ghosts story in the style of Ciaphas Cain)
opening
INQUISITORIAL DOSSIER: IIIX:4SE:A3ASF3S:XXX
COMPILED BY INTERROGATOR ANTONIUS WONG CHAU-SANG UNDER THE AUSPICES OF INQUISITOR MABODABU, ORDO XENOS
INQUISITORIAL DATA-LIBRARY
DATE: 999.M41
FILE START//
Editorial note:
I am sure that most who read this are already familiar with the work of the esteemed Inquisitor Amberley Vail who compiled her eye-opening series based upon the famed Commissar Cain's private memoirs.
ending
“Come along then,” I said as I began to walk. I lengthened my stride. My legs are, after all, longer.43 I felt Elim follow, his dark presence hesitating only a moment before he was half a step behind me, where he should be, sure and certain as any shadow.
43 I can only assume Colonel-Commissar Gaunt deliberately lengthened his stride to make it more difficult for the Major to keep up. This would be an ongoing theme in their relationship for many years to come.
Patterns:
For openings, whether it's with concept or actions/visual, I tend to drop the reader straight into the middle of a situation as a hook and then dial it backwards.
I favor punchy openings.
also like I said earlier, I like to quote or recreate a scene from the canon to quickly establish tone and position in the story
of the 3 endings I have here, all of them tend to be like the ending of a jdrama where it fades off toward a "and life goes on" vibe, rather than something stronger like "and then this happened". I don't forsee this changing much in the future. I tend to fade away by the time i reach an ending so either it's super abrupt or the wheel of life continues turning~~~
Tagging all writers and anyone else who wants to do this!
@the-wintry-mizzenmast @momosandlemonsoda @thesilversun @randomingoftherandomness @eirenical @difeisheng @busarewski @bbcphile
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I��ll Show You (Hiccup x Reader), Chapter 2: Wakie wakie, School-time!
Previous Chapter
Words: 2405
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Your pov:
"Yeah-, wait! How did you know my name?" Hiccup asked, rather confused. "How did you know my name" I quickly shot back, not knowing what to ask first. This is kinda hard to take in. "Toby told me". Wait! He wasn't lying? "Oh, a-and these are for you. Unfortunately they didn't have any white ones, but I hope red will do?" he raised a generous bouquet with red roses to me. I raised my shaky hands to take them. I looked at them for a while, perhaps to calm my nerves down by my... guest. "T-thank you" I said with a smile which made Hiccup smile too. "Uh, come in. You must be freezing" I said moving aside, allowing him to get inside. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as he passed me. This is insane, this is insane. I have a fictional character in my house. "The leather traps the warmth better than you think" he informed me as he looked around, focusing on the lamp."You've got fire trapped inside of that?" he asked, pointing to the lightbulb. I chuckled "No, it's just a normal lam-" I stopped myself, remembering the gigantic steps that's been done through the different time areas, especially in the light sores-department. "No, it's actually lit by this thing called 'electricity'. So when I push this button it's off..." the room's completely dark "... and when I push it again it's on" the room is lit again. Hiccup's jaw was on the ground, the fascination on his face was insane. It was comparable to the expression my face was having as my eyes traced the guy in front of me. He went up beside me and pushed the light-switch himself. On and off, on and off, on and off. The excitement on his face was so pure. I felt my cheeks heating up. After all, this is the guy I've been having a crush on since I was like 10. Why am I being so calm? Could it be the fact that my brain probably hasn't got the chance to understand what's actually happening? That I still have a feeling this is some sort of prank that would soon be revealed?
"Do you mind?" I said while raising my hand to his face, throwing personal boundaries out the window. This has to be some kind of trick. A fictional character is standing in my hall. How realistic does that sound? When my hand reached his cheek it sure was physical skin against it. I licked my thumb and tried to wipe away any potential makeup. Nothing. I tilted his head upwards, looking for any seams of a mask. Nothing. I pinched myself to check if I was dreaming. Nothing. While shaking out the pain, I understood. This is real!... but how? "Uhm, I'll look into this further tomorrow. But I can't do much about it now. Follow me, I'll show you my room". As I reached the stairs I could tell he was following due to his prosthetic clicking against the floor. I let out a huff in disbelief. How is this real? Once we reached my room I stepped inside and turned around, facing Hiccup. "This is my room" I explain as I help my arms opened wide. His eyes wandered around my room, "Uh, you can enter if you want". He chuckled awkwardly before taking a few steps inside the room, still investigating it. "F-feel free to look around. I'm just going to get you a blanket and a pillow" I said before heading down the hall.
As I was on my tippy toes, trying to reach the pillow that was set on the highest shelf in my parent's wardrobe, a scream made me jump. "Hiccup?" I yelled back in a worried tone. Even though the unexpected sound lead to me losing my balance and fall to the ground, I quickly jumped up and ran to my room. As I reached my room, out of breath from my marathon, I saw Hiccup laying on the floor while looking terrified at the TV he some how manage to turn on. I sighed in relief and went up to pick up the remote beside Hiccup to turn it off. "W-who is that and how did they get inside of your house?" he asked, still shook from his traumatizing experience. I giggled at him before continuing to explain what a TV is, and how it works. Well, as good as I could. He was still doubtful but didn't ask any more questions. I went back and picked up the pillow and blanket I'd abandoned on my parent's bedroom floor. "Okay, so this is your temporary bed. It's not much, but after tomorrow I hopefully got some answers and, if needed, then can update your sleeping spot" I explained as I dropped the mattress we use for guest on the ground next to my bed. Hiccup laid down on the mattress and let out a moan "This is so comfy! It's way better than my bed at home. Thank you, (y/n)" he smiled up at me. I blushed at him saying my name, also for that unexpected moan. Holy thoughts, (y/n), holy thoughts! I went on with my night routine, and when I came back to my room Hiccup was already asleep. Spread out on the mattress, fully clothed, blanket being kicked off. I smiled at the sight, before entering my own bed to go to sleep. Though I was struggling. My mind caught up with the weird events of today, leaving my mind wandering. I tried to guess what Toby's answer would be, but ended up making my mind even more confused. As if that's possible. I guess my exhaustion got the best of me, making me fall asleep.
_
I woke up by someone shaking my shoulders while repeatedly saying my name. "What?" I said, trying to adjust my eyes to the bright room. "I think your house is about to explode!" Hiccup yelled. I looked at him confused, just now being able to point out his features. "Don't you hear that sound? My gods! It might be too late!" the panic being clear in his voice. I reached for my phone on the nightstand beside me, and pressed the button to turn off the alarm. "It's an alarm, Hiccup. It's meant to wake you up when you've got something important to do". He relaxed. I only now noticed he's sitting in my bed... on my lap. Don't blush, (y/n)! "What's the important thing you have to do?" he asked, while his hands falls down in his lap. "School" I answered, while stretching. "Oh, that's why it's been ringing for half an hour?" I nodded "Yeah, exac- wait! HALF AN HOUR?", Hiccup nodded. I flew up, throwing Hiccup off of me in the process, leaving him right beside where I was just laying. "No, no, no, no" I continued while throwing on my clothes and packing my backpack. I turned to Hiccup, who's still laying in my bed "Uh, you're coming with me, sleeping beauty". He raised his head, "What? Why?" "Because we're talking to Toby today. I don't have time to come home and get you after class, so you're gonna have to come with me from the start. But I only have once class, so you won't have to wait that long". Hiccup threw back his head against the pillow with a groan "But I don't want to" he whined. I grabbed his wrist while dragging him down the stairs to the hall. "Don't seek any attention, okay? Just be quiet and follow me", Hiccup nodded. While looking at him I realized no one would be fooled. He's literally wearing Viking-clothes. I would need to erase anything that would possibly make people turn their heads.
I tossed him my white, oversized, winter jacket and instructed him to put it on. Hood up. I noticed him struggling with the zipper, so I gave him about five minutes until I slapped his hands away and did it myself. In an attempt at hiding his prosthetic I gave him a pair of grey sweatpants of mine. Considering his skinny legs, they fit looser on him than they did on me. I let the sweatpants-leg fall over the prosthetic. Not satisfied, I tossed around in our closet, finding my dad's old Nike's. They were from his "prime time", as he'd like to call it. He outgrew them about 20 years ago, and considering his age at the time I thought they would fit Hiccup perfectly. And I was right. While letting him put on the shoe on his regular foot, I attached the other one on the prosthetic by knotting the laces to it. Backing up, I admire my creation. This could work. I tossed him a pair of gloves. After all, I didn't want him to freeze even though I think he's been through way lower temperatures at Berk then a chilly day at Stratford. I grabbed my other, dark blue, winter jacket and put on my own shoes. I opened the door and motioned for Hiccup to get out. I locked the door before jogging down the porch to catch up with Hiccup again. There wasn't much talking throughout our walk to my school. Mainly due to me being so stressed not being able to reach school in time. But we were doing good. I need to say something. "H-how is your peg-leg doing? Do you still get some grip?" I asked while looking down at my little construction. He chuckled "It's a bit difficult to keep my balance. The end of my prosthetic keeps slipping inside the shoe". I gave him a sympathized look while grabbing onto his arm to help him balance. "I'm sorry. I promise this won't happen again, you just can't stick out from the rest. I can't risk someone recognizing you". "Stop", Hiccup held up his hand which made me stop, "Recognize me? People know me here?". My eyes opened wide. Should I tell him? "It's, uh... it's... a bit... complicated?". Hiccup looked at me, intrigued to hear my answer. As my school glimpsed not far away I quickly said "I'll tell you about it another time". I could hint his disappointed face as we entered school. Mission: Find Toby. I looked at my phone, fifteen minutes till my math class starts. Mission: failed. New mission: attend math class THEN find Toby.
I need to find a place to "hide" Hiccup while I attend class. We're usually allowed to sit anywhere around the school under the math classes. So it won't be hard for me to meet up with him after informing my teacher where I'll be sitting. I grabbed Hiccup's wrist, making sure he'll keep up with my pace. We ran down the hall to the library. I found a table that's a little hidden by all the selfs around it and told Hiccup to take a seat. "Uhm, could I take off this jacket? It's really hot in here" he innocently asked. I sighed, his "regular" clothes would draw attention if anyone just looked his way. I tried my best to come up with a solution with the short amount of time I had. You're not making it easy for me, Hiccup! I remembered the oversized t-shirt I'm wearing under my hoodie. I'll survive without it for one class. As quickly as I could I pulled off my hoodie and t-shirt. Hiccup's eyes widened as he saw my bare chest, only clothed in a bra. But I couldn't care less. What mattered to me now was to get to class in time and not kill Hiccup by a heat wave. I threw Hiccup the t-shirt and grabbed my hoodie, threading it over my head... again. It didn't cover up much of his armor, but it's better than nothing. "Let's remove these too" I said while removing his bracers. Hiccup just watched while I slide them off and tossed them in my backpack. "Okay, Hiccup. You stay here. I'll be back in a few minutes. While I'm gone, don't talk to anyone. If someone asks you why you're here, tell them you're waiting for your friend (y/n). Okay?", he nodded. As I was about to leave I stopped at a nearby bookshelf, grabbed a random book and tossed it to Hiccup. "Make it look like you're reading" I finally said before running to class.
I attended class in time, but just barley. As I entered the classroom I went up to the table Emelie sat with her current boyfriend, whatever his name was. "And where have you been? Had a rough time last night? First night parent-free". I chuckled "Yeah, it was quite... eventful" I answered, not referring to the same "eventful" she was referring to. She raised and eyebrow at me "Really? You know watching the how to train your dragon- movies and fantasize about that Hiccup-guy isn't 'eventful', right?" I stiffened at the mentioning of his name, but quickly laughed it off. As soon as the teacher was done with the rollcall I went up to him and told him where I'd be studying. I went back to my table to grab my backpack and say my good bye to Emelie, much to her confusion. Before heading out the door straight to the library. When I arrived I went up to Hiccup, who tried his best to look as interested in the book as possible. "Time's up, DiCaprio. No need to pretend anymore" I said while grabbing the book, knowing too well he wouldn't get my reference. I put the book back on its shelf before setting up my math book to start studying. Even though Hiccup's too polite to complain, I could tell he was bored. I can't blame him. Who would enjoy looking at someone doing math if they didn't have to? "Hey! You like to draw, right?" I asked with a warm tone. Hiccup looked up at me and nodded. I looked inside my backpack and picked up my sketchbook and my pencil case. I liked to do some fribble-drawings when class was too unbearable. So I would always bring a sketchbook and some pencils. I open a fresh page and zipped open the pencil case. I couldn't help but smile as he happily began to draw. Now I can finally focus on my work.
Next Chapter
#httyd#httyd 2#how to train your dragon#hiccup haddock#hiccup horrendous haddock lll#hiccup x reader#hiccup x reader imagines#hiccup#ill show you
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Talk dirty to me about Sirius Black and bpd
I've been headcanoning the Blacks (Walburga, Sirius and Regulus all) as bipolar but I've been too. cautious? to write them as such explicitly
but I'd like to
anon my beloved im sorry this took me so long but it gets me in the FEELS talking about bipolar sirius so i gotta ration it out
(i'm gonna make a separate post about writing sirius/the house of black generally as bipolar bc i know its something people are cautious about and is worth discussing itself)
okay heres some little bipolar sirius headcanons. cw for some intense mental health stuff
when sirius is manic as a kid he associates that come down with clashes with his parents. and bc he knows its going to happen he makes it happen. he pushes the boundaries as far as he can and chases the adrenaline and ends up in huge fights until he's locked up in his room, which he will forever associate with a terrifying, all-consuming sadness
he doesn't REALISE that other people's families dont have breakdowns every other week and when he does figure it out he just puts it down to his family being uniquely crazy bc they're just evil like that
he has absolutely zero emotional regulation which gives him a quick reputation of being dramatic and over the top so he leans into it hard
he has more intelligence than he knows what to do with and if he doesnt have something to do with it he'll direct it towards self-destructiveness instead
james is one of the best things to ever happen to him for this reason. james is just as smart and high energy and bc they both obviously have adhd they cant sit and focus on anything that isnt extremely interesting and rewarding (so not classes) for a single moment. thus the most daring and ingenuitive pair of pranksters is born
james is the first and for a long time only person to see sirius when he slips into deep depression. he never for a second judges. after a couple of years he knows how to predict it, and is already waiting with food that will drag sirius out of bed, pranks to plan at the back of the classroom that stop him missing so many classes it raises eyebrows, and an endless stream of jokes and games and distractions that stop sirius sinking into his head too much
james understands sirius at his highs and is there for him at his lows, but remus is the first person who truly understands how deep and dark those lows go
part of the reason sirius is so entranced with remus is bc they share a darkness inside of them they're determined to hide bc the world already expects it to mean they're evil
sometimes when sirius is especially manic to the point of losing his mind he wonders if he is
full moons are oddly the most regulating thing for sirius (which he would never ever admit to remus even if he had the words, but remus notices anyway) because it gives him a fixed, predictable up and down. one night a month he knows he can go wild and break the rules and let his energy out in the safety of his friends
sirius seems like he doesn't want to read bc most of the time he just doesn't have the patience. but whenever he's sitting at the back of the classroom or kept up at night or wandering aimlessly through the grounds and conjures up some idea by his brain working a mile at a minute that obviously needs to be explored, he will, at those points, spend hours upon hours pouring through books to find what he wants
this is large part of how the animagi idea comes up
sirius is on a high for most of september after finally leaving his house for his home. he crashes for most of october (the odd shift in seasons and long dark days don't help). he usually picks up by the time quidditch season and pre-halloween prank season begins
remus is the only one who can calm sirius down. bc he's calm himself, bc he actually understands why sirius is driving himself crazy from his own energy, bc sirius knows this and doesn't feel belittled or dismissed by remus
as such some of sirius's worst moments are when remus isn't speaking to him, or worse, is so angry he's terrified he's going to lose him, bc it's not just heartbreak, it's also his whole anchor
sirius was actually terrible at school until he met james bc he simply couldn't concentrate locked in a room for 8 hours with reg and his tutor. but james is exactly the same and they discover within a couple of months they can learn the entire syllabus partly through picking it up by ear through professors, partly the essays they finish in one sitting in the early morning hours before its due, but mostly through figuring out the magic themselves by pranking each other (and everyone else)
at some point snape does something to terrify the shit out of sirius so much he can't think straight. maybe snape threatens him, or james, or remus, or reg. whatever it is, sirius's mind narrows to the single goal of somehow terrifying snape even more than he did sirius, and he follows every ounce of manic adrenaline without heed to consequences to do so. this is the first time james is truly furious at sirius for something manic he did. it's not the first time remus is, but it's the first time sirius truly thinks he won't forgive him
sirius is more scared than anyone during the war, because he has absolutely no ability to regulate the extreme emotional onslaught he's subjected to. his only support network is remus, and remus simply cannot handle that alone
destroying relationships with people you love out of nowhere in a whirlwind of self-destruction is a peak bipolar symptom that's pretty much all i have to say about the war
sirius doesn't really have manic episodes like he used to during azkaban, bc they suck all of the good emotions out of him. but he does get occasional waves of frustration, of restless energy, of an urge to just do something. its quickly weighed down by the futility of it all, by the reminder he's lost everything and it's all his fault and there's nothing he can do. until he sees peter's photo in the prophet, and from then on he is single-mindedly devoted to that task. there's no sense of what's possible or dangerous or his own limitations, just a manic drive to get out of here
mania is pretty much what drives sirius over the next few months bc he hasn't felt it in so long its uncontrollable. he would never cross hundreds of miles, evade the ministry, track harry down, keep himself alive without it. but he also spends most of that time as a dog because his human thoughts are just too much
he falls into deep deep depression as soon as he stops running which coincides with the exact time someone convinces him he needs to stay locked up in grimmauld place for his own good
now however its 1995, and even if the wizarding world remains stuck in time, the muggle world actually knows what bipolar disorder is. remus, who spent a good amount of the past fourteen years living in the muggle world with chronic depression, and andromeda, who grew up surrounded by people with a similar condition to sirius, is also well connected with the muggle world, and has a husband who's a healer, both figure out that sirius is very ill. sirius is proud and stubborn and also utterly uncaring about his own wellbeing whilst harry is in danger, but remus and andromeda are used to all of this and know how to get sirius the help that he needs, and the result is that he actually does
there are potions for growing bones there are absolutely potions to regulate moods
everything is shit and impossibly hard to deal with for a long long time, not least because azkaban alters your brain so much you have to rewire it through endless positive reinforcement to get anywhere close to healing, and who can do that in a war? but now he has actual medical help, and words for what's going on in his brain which is brilliant now he's actually certifiably crazy moony, but there's so much relief at some point he breaks down crying bc finally he understands even a small part of all the madness people have accused him for a lifetime of
remus is still his anchor even if it takes months to get to a place where they can trust each other beyond loyalty to the order and to harry, and much longer to be as vulnerable as they were before 1981. but when they get there its a thousand times better because now they know themselves and each other enough to slowly, slowly build the stability and peace they both always needed
harry has a kid who has adhd and sirius is the first person to figure it out ❤️
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