Shout out to the neurodivergent people who were told they were “ruining the day” when holidays were weird

WARNING BIG SPOILERS FOR QSMP BAD POV AND A LITTLE BIT OF PHIL POV ALSO JUST A LOT OF RAMBLING READ AT YOUR OWN RISK BECAUSE WOOO BOY THERE A LOT AND IM NOT EVEN DONE YET

I have so many thoughts on Bad's last stream the fact like OMG my heart QSMP needs to pay for all of our therapy

I'll probably do another post because holy crap there is a lot that happened today

I thought it was sweet Dapper and Pomme went to qPhil first because Dapper said they know he has concretions to some kind of goddess of death obviously referring to Kristin but I still am not sure if she is actually canons but it was a cute reference and it's nice to know that Phil has lots of tickets if they need cookies this week.

But also like Damn Phil cannot get a break first Tubbo now Bad I swear soon all the eggs will be ophans /j

Also apparently Taulluah is seeing the ghost of the eggs that died and one more. Idk if it's also an egg or something/someone else but if it's an egg I think it's either: 1. A-1 the egg that evil quackity was testing and died or Hope.

For those who don't remember Hope was an egg in a different orphanage than the original eggs that Cellbit found a while ago. The egg left a diary of their time in the orphanage. No one came for the egg and died but told that whoever is reading their book should not be sad for them. That's all I remember I'd have to go back and look to see what else I can find.

ANYWAYS Yeah so Taulluah sees ghosts now that are sad for some reason and she doesn't know why and Bad is missing and also presumably dead or a ghost? Because as we were following Dapper and Pomme on Bad's stream the thing would have reactions a lot of like what Bad would have. Like nodding and shaking his head or rolling his head for rolling his eyes. It all just felt very Bad like.

Also he was very against using any spells of stuff to block spirits so I think it might be Bad somehow looking out for them but not able to talk or interact with them for some reason.

I know these are a lot of signs at once but I find it very sweet that Dapper despite everything is trying to keep a positive view of everything and trying to cheer Pomme up.

I love how this is the plan they come up with to get Bad back lol 😆 I'm sure they'll come up with a real plan but who knows this could maybe work

Dapper and Pomme did this a lot and I love it. Them just leaning their heads together silently telling the other it's ok we are together aggghhh it is so sweet. And the fact that they did it multiple times I imagine just reassuring the other and themselves that they are there.

This was so pretty and nice just Dapper and Pomme watching the sunset (07 Bobby) together going over memories

Talking about their dead siblings and Max saying they should build a new place for them to remember them and wish them a Happy birthday every month

I didn't get screenshots of it but Dapper telling Pomme that all of their past siblings would have loved her with how sweet Tiln was and how good it was to be around Flippa, how Trump would have loved picking flowers with her and how Bobby would have loved doing pvp with Pomme :,) like bro I am literally tearing up

I am going to make a part two because tumbler is at its limit of how many screenshots I can show because guess what there is more heartwarming and heartbreaking stuff I need to talk and show

etho's limlife #5 pov liveblog

oh good. bdubs is just. here.

not the boogeyman. so my initial supposition was incorrect [squints]

uhmmm the group screenie moment with bdubs halfway up a ladder to look shorter 😭 goodbye.

"i'm washed up at pvp, i don't know the answers to these questions anymore" WAAAAAAH

"the BITES lawncare service" HELP LOL

this post

WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE BAD BOYS. WHAT ARE THEY DOING IN ALL OF THIS.

"if they ask me why we did it, i have no clue, to be honest (laughs)" GHGNFNF. (from between gritted teeth, affectionately) i can't stand you.

SCREAM i am dying at Etho crouching in the water elevator listening to jimmy monologue to his commenters. "wait, where are you??" PLEASE.

...shrieker in the TIES base. 🫵🏻 Cleo.

"why does everybody call me a traitor?!" "you put a shrieker in our base!" "(laughs) oh, yeah, Mom told me to do that." SEE. CLEO.

"i love it when we're pranked by people who don't know how things work" pfffft damn tango go off

obsessed w Etho apparently immediately sniffing out the bad boys in TIES' base. "this is just embarrassing at this point" to hysterical laughter from the BBs. j'adore.

"Jimmy. you're a BAD BOY." "i'm a very bad boy." 🥴🥴🥴

tell me the bad boys are not wearing priest skins. like i'm sure they're supposed to look like regular suits but THEY LOOK LIKE PRIESTS i'm. this is. hm

deviation for. this post

"i would be here all the time if it was allowed!" "you're allowed. you could be a Clocker." IMMEDIATELY LOOKS AT BDUBS. "i could, couldn't i" in the softest voice. i am ripping up my pillow with my teeth.

SORRY. BDUBS PLACING TNT AND CLEO AND SCAR JUMPING AWAY WHILE ETHO'S JUST LIKE "this is nice 😌". IM CLAWING AT MY OWN FACE.

"i especially like that Cleo's been quiet. that's my favourite part of this whole supper." first of all it's dinner not supper you Canadian fuck (/aff), SECONDABLE you are. really going hard on the "not afraid of Cleo anymore" exposure therapy today sir. i love it keep going

KIDS DO YOU WANT TO GO PLAY CATCH RIGHT NOW. SITS DOWN AND WATCHES INTENTLY. HI ANON I AM THINKING OF YOUR OUT OF CONTEXT SPOILERS RN.

fucking JCNCKFNCKDNCKF. insults Cleo, fails to find the button to the iron door, gets slapped for his troubles. I AM EATING SO GOOD RN

bro i. my mouth is open. jaw is flapping. this is some roleplay all right. also i love being right, there are TNT minecarts involved which means this is going to end Horribly.

IM SCREAMING. I WATCHED THAT BACK LIKE FIVE TIMES. there are literal tears in my eyes that was funnier than i possibly could ever have anticipated. AND ALSO BOTH OF THEM DIED IM FUCKING CACKLING.

i feel like i can HEAR Etho wondering if he'll need to edit out Scar's "banging" comment LMFAO

aaddhdnckfkg Joel's "ETHO?! disgusting" after Scar tattled on him in chat HELLO?

??????????? Scar crits him like. at least twice when they go back inside and Etho's just. so blasé about it. "he's going through his angsty teenage phase, i should leave" and Scar LETS HIM. the dynamics here are confusing me. i need to watch Scar's video. (i will confess to not keeping up with the Clockers since the first couple of episodes since Bdubs isn't uploading 😔)

Grian's "WHAT?!" after Etho admitted he didn't know why he blew up the bridge made me go into a coughing fit i laughed so hard. don't smoke, kids /srs

"i still have your sword, so if you ever need something from me—" sicko ha ha yessss dot jpeg. GIVE ME GRITHOOOOOO

bdubs crouching in a corner pointing a crossbow at Etho with his shield up and Etho is Still having a casual conversation. WHAT ARE THE DYNAMICS HERE?!

sorry, are you telling me. that Scott heard Etho say "uhhhh....yep" LIKE THAT in response to his question about whether that spot was how you access the farm loot and STILL WENT DOWN THERE? i'm also shocked that Martyn wasn't like "what do you mean, "tell them""

GODDAMMIT. who triggered it. i wanted to see that dynamic shift so bad.

KCNCMFMFM he is SO BAD at lying. it was a good decision to interrogate Jimmy first to confirm the Mean Gills' findings bc i don't think that man can tell when someone is lying to him Ever.

the unconvincing "whaaaat"s when Etho then goes to Joel & Grian 😭😭😭😭😭😭

OH GOD THAT FISHING ROD SNAG SCARED ME TOO. their little giggles 😭

NOT THE RED HOT PANTS, SKIZZ

uhm. episode conclusion: Etho is the Disneyland Dad™.

So uh personal update, on Gender (TM) as I don't think I've talked about this that much but like decisions are being made and this is like... a journey

So basically in 2018 I refereed myself to a NHS GIC as it was like 'Oh boy I am getting the genders and maybe enough of a case I should consider like... doing something' and at the time I had like some vague 'I might be transmasc' feelings and it was like 'I might want top surgery' so like I did that

And then time passes and I sort of forgot about it and then as people know the GIC system is super backed up anyway so like help.

And it was like four years later (2022) I had a message like 'Oh hey your first appointment is coming up now' and I had like... a debate about what I should do like if I even needed to go and was advised like 'at least attend your first appointment' and then during that one it was like 'Oh we can put you forward for some gender based talking therapy at least' and that seemed like a good idea

And then yeah during this time (2018-2022) I've like tried things, like I've had a binder, I went through that 'trying to dress more masc' phase, got a trans masc haircut (tm), covid happened and I came out the other side a goth weirdo, I find I'm actually more happy being a weirdo goth who sometimes wears skirts and dresses and I think I'm agender actually.

(Also like oh boy I'm not really living in circumstances where like doing that like typical 'get on hrt and transition' thing is going to work but I did havew to check in with myself to make sure that my decisions to not medically do anything wasn't just me wussing out but it's not it's just not quite the right step)

(And then during this time it's like 'lol my gender basically is like a bag of potatoes your forgot in the back of the cupboard i don't even know what it is right now)

And then more time passes and then like earlier this year it's like 'Oh hey you can start that now' and I have a therapy intake appointment and THEN it's like the clinician I'm seeing is like 'Oh I'm leaving the service actually but I'll do your initial intake and hand that over'

THEN

And now I can't remember how things went but it's like either I had my first appointment with the clinician, started adhd meds and then we had to have an appointment a month later or i started meds, had the appointment then a month break either way there was a delay to starting the therapy that during that time I started my ADHD medication and just as you know it basically fixed my brain somewhat and I can like... actually think and shit

But yeah basically turns out I actually didn't need to talk about my gender as much as I thought, It also turned out that a lot of the like weird disassociated feelings I've had going on are like 'that's the unmedicated adhd talking' (Not all of it but yeah a lot of it was like 'neurodivergent brain struggling to cope) and yeah I've like come to the conclusion that at least at this point I don't really feel that I actually need the 'medical' interventions (like hrt and or top surgery) like I've basically worked out where I am and that yeah actually I'm good thanks (Like tbh I've never had like very intense dysphoria so like dysphoria was not a useful metric for working out my gender, it's never really been physical features of mine causing distress it's more the social/metal side of things)

And yeah then a few weeks back it was like 'Oh here's your second appointment at the end of December' and it's like 'what the heck do I do now? I'm not planning to medically transition'

And yeah I had a therapy session today and basically my current plan is

I will attend my second assessment, it's apparently a good idea to do that as it means I have another chance to talk things over with someone, also it turns out you can be discharged from the GIC and then come back which is probably a good thing to have in my pocket should like circumstances change again like have a paper trail and like just have an official closure rather than just me leaving and potentially having to like start from square one again.

Also I'm meant to have two more therapy sessions in January so like it's probably a good idea to attend at least one of those so yet again it's like can close some stuff out.

So like I'm shuffling myself out but doing so in the like sensible official way. And yeah it has been a whole thing grappling with like if I'm wasting time/space since I know so many other people are behind me waiting to get in and uh... there's probably quite a few people ahead of me who didn't make it so like I am trying to exit the service as quickly as I can it's just... I'm going at the speed of red tape here.

What a Night

I seriously don't know where to begin, how to begin to describe finally being able to see the band that has saved my life time and time again. I was in the same room as Mikey, Gerard, Frank and Ray. And it was everything.

So to begin, me and @maria-the-ghoul got up, got breakfast and chatted with the waitress about seeing famous people at the hotel. We then walked up to the Minnesota Historical Museum, and it was very interesting. There was an exhibit on the Greatest Generation, on the different industries in Minnesota, like agriculture, lumber, mining, etc, an exhibit on the Indigenous people of Minnesota that displayed beautiful beadwork, like so gorgeous. The last exhibit we went into was the weather exhibit. I'm a weather nerd so it was cool seeing all the facts about the like biggest snowfalls, or the hottest days. The most interesting, and ultimately terrifying, exhibit was the tornado simulator! It was a small room built to look like a typical midwest basement, with windows at the top of the wall. You pressed the button and people started to describe going through a tornado that hit Fridley in May 1965 (if I'm remembering correctly). The exhibit flickered the lights, they eventually went out, outside the windows they made it look like the sky changed colors, and it was really loud and I could feel my anxiety spike despite it being a simulation. Immersion therapy? It was very interesting anyway.

We grabbed lunch, and saw the Peanuts statues which were so cute, I absolutely love Snoopy. I'm only bummed the Peppermint Patty statue wasn't on display because they were my first gender icon lol Only fitting that I'd later be seeing Gerard in the flesh!

We went to the merch line outside the venue about 4 and started talking to a nice girl from Kansas City. She was really nice and funny. I spent WAY too much money! Yea!

Came back, got ready, and finally ended up going to the venue right about 7. Homeless Gospel Choir played first and they weren't too bad, then Thursday. Anthony Green came out for Understanding in a Car Crash and that was amazing. Love that for me.

Then My Chem came on. Guys, I say this with complete seriousness, I'm not exaggerating at all, I almost fainted when Mikey and Frank came on stage. I felt my knees going weak and my head spinning and I had to actively pull myself out of it. I was telling myself "I'm not missing this!!"

Love that we got a relatively normal Gerard outfit, pulling out the ol' Malibu Barbie shirt (is it just me at @thewordworrier who call it that?) but with the bloody gunshot wound makeup on his forehead. Frank had on his skeleton hoodie, Ray had on an untorn black t-shirt and distressed jeans, and Mikey, like Gerard, was wearing a sorta Hawaiian shirt. I am lowkey obsessed with that fact.

The drum said "Sounds good, I'm in." Frank said "I'm not okay dontcha know!" because he apparently like making fun of midwesterners. It's ok, I'll allow it.

They played Foundations into I'm Not Okay and it was amazing. Like fuck, the whole setlist was amazing. I'd have loved to hear Kids From Yesterday or Ghost of You, but honestly, I'm ok with not hearing them as well. I got Surrender the Night!! Dessert Song!! Famous Last Words!! I cried during WTTBP, which I guess I shouldn't be surprised about, especially since I've been seeing eagles all over the place today so yea. Very glad Cancer was not on the setlist. Thank you Frank.

Seeing Ray shred live has changed me. The sex appeal? I'm unable to describe it, it's overwhelming. Gerard dedicated Teenagers to his mailman. He loves his mailman. He also loves spaghetti soup. God, all I wanted was just random ass rambling, and I got it. Mikey was all over the stage and it was amazing, so much energy, so much joy. I love Mikey Way so much. Fuck.

It was absolutely perfect, it was exactly what I wanted and hoped it would be. I'm so at peace. That's how I feel, at peace, like something I've been waiting for forever has happened, and while I was worried that I'd feel... empty afterward, I instead feel renewed. Like a new lease on life now. I've seen my favorite band live. I've seen My Chemical Romance live. They were beautiful and amazing and I love them and I've seen them live. I've seen them live. I've seen my favorite band live. I don't have to worry about something going wrong anymore. I've seen My Chemical Romance live.

hello, welcome to another depressing rant about my mental health and other problems ✌🏻 which thanks to tumblr stopping people (bots) from reblogging this, i can now write in a post and not in the tags

i've been reminded today of the 3(?) times in my life in which people have walked out on me for no discernible reason. And other many times in which my efforts to be a normal sociable person have been either ignored or actively rejected. Or how I've been used by people who tossed me aside the second they didn't need me anymore? And how all of that has made me the overly anxious, socially inept, and antisocial peron i am today...

i mean i should be going to therapy for this but i have no money so tumblr rants will have to do, but like I have two very clear memories of people who I'd consider my best friends, who suddenly stopped talking to me out of absolutely nowhere. I'm sure I have to have done something to them, cause it can happen twice for no reason right? So I guess my guilt issues also come from there, but like I am being 100% honest when I say I have no fucking clue what the fuck did I do.

Once was when I was around 6 or 7 so like, it might have just been kids stuff but it has stuck on me.. I came back to school after the summer, like I had done many times before and my "bestest friend" had suddenly joined the "cool girls group" and fully stopped talking to me, ignored me in the hall and all that kind of stuff. I never got any explanation for it, or when did she became friends with the "cool girls". I was so taken aback, but I moved on (well apparently i haven't lol)

The other was in my last year of highschool, my "best friend", overnight, stopped talking to me without any reason. I did talk to her, and I asked her, she never replied to me. And I don't mean over text or something, I asked her in person, to her face, and she walked away from me without saying a single word. I asked other friends we had in common if they knew what the fuck had happened, and nobody knew. We were like so close too! Like people thought we were dating kind of friendship (and I was presenting as a girl at the time). To this day I still haven't figured out what happened. It was literally over night, or over a weekend actually. I said goodbye to her on Friday, she didn't speak to me on Monday (till the end of the year, and then we graduated and never saw each other again).

The third time is my father walking out on the family, that's a normal and relatable one that I needn't explain lol

And then you have things like the one time where I didn't want to go to a school thing, like sports day? or something like that. The reason being, I'm fat, dysphoric, socially awkward, anxious, and I don't like to be ridiculed for being bad at sports. I wasn't going to go but a friend at the time insisted, she wanted me to go, she was threatening with getting angry if I didn't go, so I fucking went. On the day, teachers who knew I didn't wanna be there, said I could not participate on any of the games I didn't want to (so lovely of them, I think they noticed how fucking anxious I was). So, I avoided any games that caused me major anxiety or dysphoria, but I spent time with my friend who wanted me there, and tried to cheer everyone on. What did my firend said? "you're not paricipating in anything, why did you come then? you should have stayed at home."... oh! what a lovely idea you just had! if only i had occured to me! if only i hadn't been guilted into coming to a thing that made me miserable!!! :D

But anyways, turns out that I'm fucking cursed or something and that's the reason I don't talk to people or I guess put much effort into relationships anymore? And it sucks, but my brain is wired now to not really care because everytime I care I'm hurt, and/or disappointed and/or treated like shit without a reason. Or I guess without an explanation, I'm sure there is a reason... maybe I'm a horrible person to be around, maybe I'm super toxic and I don't even realize it?

And it's sort of a blessing and a curse, because yes, I can't hold a conversation for the life of me, I cry if I have to make or recieve a phonecall, I can't go to a shop and speak to the cashier like a normal person, I have panic attacks on busses... But also, I don't need people? Like I'm perfecly fine being alone in my home without talking to anyone? which made lockdown a piece of cake.

Once again, therapy is what I need, why do i type this online?! lol... anyways, sorry for the vent, it's easily ignored tho

WIBTA For Not Letting my Ward See Her New Friend?

I (30sF) am currently the legal guardian to “Cadence” (13f), whose parents are on another continent for work. They have plans to officially move back to the states within the next few months, but have opted to send their daughter here first so the culture is less of a shock (my girlfriend offered for us to take her in, for reasons I’ll get to shortly). Until now Cadence has been homeschooled by her mother, so she’s pretty excited to attend public school for the first time, even if it means she’ll be transferring into 8th grade in the middle of it.

I live with my wife “Eliza” (30sF), our girlfriend “Hadley” (30sF), and our daughter “Jayne” (13f). The reason Hadley decided to offer up our home to Cadence is because she thought we could kill two birds with one stone: not only did Cadence need a place to stay and a friend would make her transition easier, but it would be in Jayne’s best interest to also have someone with whom she could socialize. Due to severe bullying by her now ex-best friend (“Jennifer Kingsley,” 14f), Jayne is being homeschooled by my wife (who’s qualified to teach) for the remainder of the school year. She wants nothing more than for the world to leave her alone, so sometimes getting her to therapy is like pulling teeth. As her mother, I want nothing more than for her to be happy, and to heal. We figured hosting Cadence would be worth a shot since the interaction would be one on one, it’d be in a place Jayne is most comfortable, each girl would have her own separate space, and the house is big enough so if they don’t get on they could easily avoid each other. When we talked it over with Jayne, I don’t think she took us seriously. We made it clear that we expected her to be polite at the very least. Cadence is still our guest regardless of whether they get along. It’d be ideal if they did, but completely fine if they didn’t.

The day Cadence officially came to stay with us, Jayne took her arrival very well. At first, she wasn’t keen on making friends because, and I quote, “girls suck,” but I think it changed when they actually met. She came out of her bedroom to say hello and helped Cadence put her things in her new room (which is across the hall from hers) without us asking. They spent more time chatting than unpacking to the point there was only one shirt hanging in the closet when Eliza went to tell them dinner was ready lol. She’s still a little prickly, but she understands this is a harder transition for Cadence than it is for her, so she’s being very good about keeping the snark to a minimum (thank God, because we had to explain sarcasm to Cadence). When we said our goodnights, Jayne was in a much better mood than she’d been in weeks. She couldn’t stop smiling. Apparently, she even snuck over in the middle of the night to keep Cadence company in case the homesickness was too much.

Cadence has settled in nicely. She’s incredibly sweet, bright, and bubbly, if a bit naive due to her upbringing. She has video calls with her parents every night (9PM our time is 6AM for them!), she helps Jayne with math (she can recite so much of pi, it’s nuts), and on her first movie night—which happens every Friday—she picked out and watched her first Disney movie: The Lion King (and unsurprisingly, she loved it. But first Jayne had to talk her out of Bambi; we plan on watching either Turning Red or Zootopia next week!). All in all, things are great on the home front... until now.

When she got home from school today, Cadence excitedly told Jayne and Eliza she made a new friend all by herself: a very sweet girl named Jennifer took her under her wing and made her part of her little group. Immediately suspicious, Jayne asked if it was Jennifer Kingsley, and by her description (since Cadence didn’t get her last name), it was. Until this point, Cadence didn’t know anything about or even questioned why Jayne’s been homeschooled instead of going to the middle school, but Jayne and Eliza told her the story. Cadence was surprised since that’s not what Jennifer told her at all (shocker). When asked how the topic even came up, she said that Jennifer wanted to visit her house so their parents could meet and they could get permission to hang out after school, but Cadence told her she lived with us. Jayne snapped that she better not have invited Jennifer over, and Cadence swears she didn’t. It’s not her house and she’s not that dumb, so of course she didn’t?

Jennifer is still an extremely sore subject for Jayne, which is understandable given how fresh the wound is. When Hadley and I came home from work that evening, Jayne had locked herself in her room and was refusing to speak to Cadence. She ignored her over dinner too. Cadence thinks the friendship with Jennifer can still work so long as she keeps it strictly to school, but Jayne doesn’t want Cadence or Jennifer anywhere near each other. She doesn’t trust either girl to keep it just to school, and frankly, neither do I. I’m not sure how much of Jayne’s anger is out of fear Cadence will turn on her and she’ll lose her as a friend, and how much is just pure rage due to it being Jennifer. We’re sleeping on it for now since, when Jayne gets like this, she’ll bite any hand that tries to calm her. This is why I get her to therapy.

I’ve had my share of toxic relationships when I was a teen. I can’t control who Cadence interacts with when she’s at school, but in my experience, what starts there never stays there. It’s going to follow her home eventually, whether she knows it or not. At the same time, I want to do right by Jayne.

WIBTA for not letting Cadence see Jennifer?

75 soft: day 10

[] morning walk/run or yoga x6/w

skipped. when A is off from work somehow my mornings get more chaotic and stressful? it might be something to do with the extra cuddle hours in bed, or having to make breakkie for two. i want to figure out how to make these mornings feel less chaotic.

[x] meditate x at least 15min every afternoon

i'm gonna check this off, not because i meditated but because my therapy session was super intense today and i think that fills my introspection quota for the day. i cried for the first time in a session and it was uncomfortable af, i made sure not to cry too much though - lol, i hate expressing strong emotions around people (except A and N, of course). it was exhausting.

i can never express how grateful i am for therapy. firstly, it's so expensive, and it truly feels like a privilege that i get to do this every week. second, my therapist is an angel. her empathy feels genuine and so...spontaneous, you know? it's surprising honestly, because i always imagined their reactions to be very calculated (with good reason of course). i love the way she teaches theories, i've always loved the intellectualization of emotions. and she's also very efficient and professional, which is something i greatly admire in people.

my biggest learning in therapy is just sitting with emotions. i've come to truly appreciate the meaning of that - it's plain and simple sitting. not fighting it, not rationalising it, not judging it. just watching, almost clinically, the distinct energy patterns moving around inside me. it's crazy how emotions have such a physical manifestation. they're not just a buzz in my head, but things i can feel all over my body if i really pay attention. //forever in awe of the human experience//

[] study 42h/w: 34h 30m to go

skipped because apparently studying never gets done w A around? jk. it was one of those days where a lot of things around the house got done, like grocery-shopping, cleaning and stuff. super busy and tiring but hella productive day. i had a hard time turning of the you-should-be-studying voice in my head, i had to keep reminding her that these are things that need to get done and we should just accept it and go with the flow.

[x] evening wxo x6/w

super sweaty 40m pilates.

[x] [x] [x] 1 raw veggie or a fruit x3 meals

- salad from yesterday. i love how colourful my lunch is

A has diarrhea so i made him a curd rice bowl, served w a dry fruit pickle and a brinjal pickle. this Goan brinjal pickle is my absolute (probably only) favourite pickle ever.

i actually ate a lot of curd today hehe. it's gotten pretty hot and after my wxo especially, my brain was literally craving a bowl of curd. it's so cooling + probiotic benefits, oof! think this is an aspect of food that i forgot to mention earlier in my vision board post - food is medicine. in my every day life it's easy to forget how much of an impact it has on my body. this is another thing that pushes me to making better food choices - this is something i give myself every.fkn.day. imagine the power it holds over my health! i also want to incorporate more of this aspect in my cooking - it's not just about what tastes good, but also the little things like raw fibrous veggies for better gut health, a pinch of hing in my dal to counter lentil-bloat, pepper and ginger to max my digestive juices, mint for cooling down my tummy. cooking with these things in mind makes me feel very witch-y hahaha and i absolutely love it!

- ok not entirely raw, but minimally cooked - the radish tops from yesterday's farm bounty! i had to cook them because they're super fibrous - sauteed with some garlic and nigella seeds. they have the same radish-like pungency. not super delicious (i'm not the biggest fan of radish), but v healthy :3

- went to pickup groceries today and discovered cherries are in season (':

[x] 1400cal x6/week

this makes me very happy!

[x] progress picture/day x6/w

[x] 2.5L of water/day

[x] brush before bed

[x] no media consumption (one movie/d allowed) - for freezes and PMS days

A made me watch a Mr. Beast video on YT ahahahaha. yep, i get why this guy is a big deal but i couldn't help but be lowkey disgusted by the entertainment industry.

How did it feel outside today? Ughh its so nice right now. In the 60s and a tad rainy. I wish it would stay like this for the rest of the month, because apparently Halloween is predicted to be in the freaking low 40s, maybe even 30s by the time we Trick or Treat.

Are there any animals in the room with you? Nope.

How did you spend yesterday afternoon? I stayed home from work because I was TIRED and had way too much human interaction the past week lol. I did end up going to the store to get some pumpkins and firewood for our pumpkin carving party tonight, and some fake blood and makeup for my niece’s Eleven costume

Are any of your siblings taller than you? Yes, she is.

Name a song that reminds you of a past relationship: Anything by Interpol.

When did you last have a nightmare? I don’t remember.

What’s the goriest thing you’ve ever seen? I don’t know.

Have you or do you attend pep rallies regularly? I mean, in high school, we had to.

Have you ever seen a building on fire in real life? Yes.

Have you kissed anyone and their first name started with an F, D, or L? L.

Have you ever been in therapy for anything? I definitely should be.

Do you think clowns are creepy? Not really.

If you had to write an essay about a popular song… what would that song be? Probably something Lana Del Rey.

When did you last have some fruit? I’m eating a banana right now.

What’s something you have to look forward to? Halloween, and then the holidays.

Is there any part of your sexual/romantic history that you have not told your current significant other about or that you will not tell future partners about? I mean, I haven’t told him every detail, but not because it’s a secret or anything, it’s just not relevant to our relationship.

Have you ever developed feelings for someone whose sexual orientation was incompatible with yours? Nah.

How many relationships have you been in that actually got sexual? Most of them have, in one way or another.

Who performs the most random acts of kindness out of everyone you know? I don’t know.

Are any of your pets “overweight”? Sake might be, but I honestly think she’s just bulky and like 80% fur. Her mom was a big cat too.

Who’s the most romantic person you ever went out with? My husband.

Last person to tell you that you smell good? My friend Lolly.

Last person you told that they smell good? My husband.

What shows do you watch? Um, a lot? Mostly sitcoms, some adult animation, and HGTV shows lol. Right now I am watching seasons 30-40 of SNL because I haven’t seen all the episodes between those seasons.

Is there anything you are craving right now? Sushi, always.

Think back to the last person you kissed, how many times have you laughed with them? More times than I can count. We laugh together every day.

What are five Halloween costumes that you’d like to wear in the future? Billie Eilish from the WTPO video (which I am being this weekend), Tanya from The White Lotus, Pete Davidson’s character from the YEET SKRRT SNL sketch, Louise Belcher from Bob’s Burgers, April Ludgate from Parks and Rec.

Who did you have your first kiss with? Do you remember what color his/her eyes were? Some kid on our block when I was 12, if that counts And yeah.

Whose Facebook timeline did you post on most recently? Probably for someone’s birthday recently but I can’t remember who.

Have you ever had a restaurant dish that was made with bugs? If not, would you even want to try one? I haven’t and yeah, I’ll try any food once.

Which edible flowers have you tasted? I’ve had hibiscus and rose before.

Who was the last non-relative woman you spoke to in person? Someone who works downstairs.

What was the last video you added to your favorites on YouTube? I don’t do that..

Who was the last person that apologized to you? I don’t remember.

What comes to mind when you think of pregnancy? Abortion.

Do you prefer bar or liquid soap? Liquid.

Do any of your family members have an upcoming birthday? Uhhhhh not my immediate family.

What is your favorite flavor of Jolly Ranchers? Watermelon.

Is your favorite animal endangered? Pandas are still, I believe.

Are you better at writing fiction or non-fiction? I don’t know, I don’t like writing in general.

Have you ever dated someone one grade/year above or below you? No.

What is the middle name of the last person you texted? Allen.

Have you ever come close to drowning? Yeah.

So… remember Girl Scout cookies? Any favorites you had/have? Remember? They haven’t gone away? My favorites are the tag-a-longs and the lemon ones.

Why did you ignore the last person you ignored? I just don’t want to hang out with her and her fucking boyfriend who knows my ex.

Which cartoon character would you want to keep as a pet? Snoopy or Garfield.

Do you like chocolate milk? Yes.

What is something you hate, but wish you loved? Not really “hate,” but sometimes I wish I was a Disney Adult who went to the parks because the looks people create (Disney-bounding) are so cute and I’d have so much fun with it, especially making themed Mickey ears to match. But I can never see myself spending that much money to go to any of the parks, and none of the rides interest me.

What’s the cutest thing your S/O does, but denies it’s cute in any way? This face he makes sometimes. I can’t explain it but it’s freaking adorable and he hates when I say it is lol.

Who have you hugged in the past month? I’ve hugged lots of people this month actually. All of my family, a couple friends, and a lot of Mark’s family.

Last bad news you heard? I mean, the world is bad news right now.

Have you ever dined alone at a restaurant? I have.

Have you seen a baby being born in real life? Yup, my older niece.

Do any of your exes know each other? Yes, two of them were friends oops.

What’s an opinion you find impossible to take seriously? People claiming vaccines cause autism.

Have you ever changed in front of the last person you kissed? Yes, lots of times.

Do you have any goats? I don’t own any goats, no.

Do you hang out with your sibling’s friends? Not without my sister, no.

Have you experienced any severe side effects of medications? Sure.

On Facebook, do you have people listed as your siblings who aren’t really your siblings? Nope.

Have you lost any close family members to cancer? Close? No.

Do you know anyone who doesn’t have a middle name? Yes.

How often do you check your emails? For my personal email, at least once a day.

Would you want your kids to have your hair color? I wouldn’t want kids to begin with, so.

Have you ever had a big YouTuber reply to a comment you left on their video? Yeah, Grav3Yard girl replied once a million years ago.

Have you ever given a lap dance? Jokingly.

growth is hard especially when you're broken hearted

29 April is when everything officially ended between Aaron and I. The forever person that I rekindled with is now once again out of my life.

We spent 2 weeks travelling from KL to Phuket back to KL and to Taiwan together. Our families met each other, we bought furniture for the house and we even went around the cities spending the best time together.

Alas, not all fairytales exist. We've had arguments that made me feel unsafe. His unkind comments whenever he rages and his selfishness to escalate a disagreement instead of de-escalating; made me realise that this isn't somebody I can see myself feeling safe around.

Early this year when we decided to give things another shot again, I told him that he would not be my priority. My family & career comes first. After 2022's ordeal, I've decided to make it my mission to make and save as much money as I could. To work extremely hard to have that safety net financially so that I could reap the benefits of it in the future in case of a storm or for luxury.

With the death of yet another relationship, I found this one extremely numbing yet not as dramatically painful as it should be. I found myself moping in sadness and pain and yet the silence was so profoundly loud in my serene apartment. I stopped caring bout taking care of myself for a few days.

They said heartbreak is as physically painful as it is mental and emotional. I felt that at every inch of my core. I lost my home, my forever person and my anchor to my life.

Home was where the heart is right?

Aaron was my home. Aaron was the person I woke up to and the person I fell asleep to. He was the one I turn to for forehead kisses and sweaty palms. The kisses my lips land on in the middle of the night and in the dusk of the morning.

I don't think people understand how much I've grieved in the past couple of years. No one truly cares bout me. It was especially apparent in the way things ended the second time around with Aaron. I asked, "How can someone so serious about me decides to end things with me in the most volatile way?"

Eventually that silence sets in and Tristan offered me to foster his cat for a few days - and now its been 4 days and I absolutely love this cat. She's my emotional support cat lol.

Today I had the most intense heart to heart talk with my mom. So much of it was shouting and screaming and crying. So much of it was my mom apologizing and telling me she loves me. I love her too. But inside I felt so extremely sad that I had to tell her I hate her and resent her for letting me suffer through so much in my childhood that it affected my relationships with people growing up.

I dont know what else to do but she promised me to speak to Justin; to mend our relationship. I don't know if this is the legacy she wants to leave behind but if it is, I would be proud of her. This Friday she and I will finally enter Therapy. I truly hope she feels better.

So after the traumatic experience of going into foster care and in my placement with Sally and Pete. (Going Into Foster Care – Li Jean-Luc Harris) I will now explain to you what happened as I moved into my first foster placement. The First Night in my First Foster Placement   My mum and I met with Sally and Pete, Plus my social worker, and discussed the placement.  I remember crying. I had been told many stories. That even to this day, I am not sure existed from a friend of my father's. We discussed rules, and routines, as well as medication and health (Read A Medicated Mess), and then I, said my last goodbyes to mum as we parted ways. I took my belongings to my room and went straight to sleep. 3 Months Into My First Foster Care Placement I got on well with most of the other foster children. We played video games did activities, and I gained a lot of trust and respect for a few. However, we also bickered a lot and clashed. We all had our own stories and issues. But I started to realize that I was being treated differently, small things like rewards and the way others were spoken. Furthermore, the attitude that Sally Had with regard to me being a “Temporary Placement.” It also became apparent to the foster carers that I had an issue with bedwetting, one that would not go away, not with medication or therapy. Furthermore, one that still plagues me to this day is when I drink too much before bed. My deep sleep causes it, and my brain is not recognizing the signals I get telling me that I need to piss. It has got a lot better over time, but we had started therapy and medication to counteract the issues. Going Into Summer School The picture I used as the thumbnail was my photo from when I started Secondary School. Honestly, do I look like Harry Potter… it was a common joke around that time lol. Summer School for me was hell; I did not cope very well at all. My mental health had started to kick in, I had returned to self-harming, “the thing happened once again,” and there was lots of bullying. My foster carers at the time thought it would be a good thing for me,  but all it did was hurt me more. 6 Months Being In Foster Care At this point, things turned for the worse. Some scared me emotionally, and others made me afraid and questioning my own identity. The second one has never been spoken about before until today. there were two main contributors to this, and I am going to split them up accordingly Being Excluded From a family Holiday where everyone but me was allowed to attend Sally and her family, Plus the other foster children, were going on holiday. To Portugal, apart from me, I was told my issues and behaviors were not “suited,” and she refused to take me for those reasons. I would not have wanted to go. Nevertheless, I was not given an option. I was told bluntly there is no chance because you were insulting and upsetting me. when looking back, I realized even more that I was being mistreated compared to everyone else Realising And Admitting I'm Gay if you read my blog post “Growing Up Gay,” there are two things I get asked about a lot. How did you know you were gay, you were only 10? – If I am honest, I was somewhat aware I was not attracted to woman from an even earlier age. But ten was when I Knew How did you know? Because I realized for the first time, it was men I was attracted to, as I had my first crush on a guy. "Okay Li, thanks for filling in the gaps, but you said you had something to tell us that you've never mentioned before." Correct, I do. When I was 10, I came out as gay. in front of my foster family, the other children did not seem to respond much. But Sally was adamant that I was not gay, and it was another one of my issues, and I was going through this phase. She also mentioned my age and said there was no way I could even know at my age… And the worse thing was this was never brought up again and contributed a lot to my fear of coming out back when I was 15. it made me scared of being my

self. It caused me years of questioning myself and hating myself. It caused me emotional trauma and distress. I had trusted, but that was all thrown away. -> You Might Also Like reading about Coming out gay 4 times My Journey Escaping The Closet If someone says they are gay, bi, transgender, or anything else, please take this seriously. Do not ridicule them, do not tell them it is a phase. You do not even need to acknowledge it much. But whatever you do, not be a Sally 8 Months Into My First Foster Care Placement Eight months in, and the hell was almost over, Social Services had finally found my subsequent placement, and we were in the process of meeting and greeting as well as transferring over. I was aware that in a matter of months, I would be in a much better placement. One more catered for me. And one that would last a lot longer 🙂 Meeting Carol And John For the First Time After school, carol took me home from school to show me around her house and where I would be staying. It was a massive house, and I would be sharing with two other older Foster children at the time. Carol's children had already moved out and lived in their places, but I would have plenty of opportunities to meet with them after the move. 9 Months At My First Foster Care Placement It was sure of the move around this mark that we were now just waiting for the next half term to make a move as smoothly as possible. I was a bit impatient and rude at this point. I was just fed up and wanted to move in with Carol and John 🙂 Moving To My Second Foster Care Placement I remember being dropped off at school for the last time. Nothing was said; it was stale, but as soon as I got out of that car, I chanted, “YAY About time 😀 no more, sally” while jumping up and down in excitement. The last day at school made it better, meaning I had a whole week during Halloween to settle in. Read the next part of the story -> My Second Foster Care Placement With Carol And John Thanks once again for tuning in 🙂 if you made it this far. Your epic and I would love to hear some feedback if possible. I am trying to grow my writing style and make my blogs more readable and enjoyable. for those of you who are new, I would love it if you could like our Facebook page for notifications when we create our next post 🙂

10/08/2022

Roger’s mom called me today, at first my heart dropped thinking “why is she calling me!?!?”   but it was only good news.  Apparently it was one month ago today that they adopted Roger and she just wanted to give me an update and to thank me.  it makes me so happy that he has gone to a really good home where he is loved and taken care of.  She actually posted a hilarious video on facebook this week of him sleeping and snoring, snorting, and having a dream.  it was so funny and he is just so cute.  she told me he has gotten taller & is just having the best time and gets along well at the dog park.  he’s doing better not jumping up on people.  and apparently he’s learned “shake”.  Well he has one up on Stella there lol.

Let’s see... had to chauffer my mom to the dentist earlier today which is back in the town where i grew up.  it’s so strange to see all the new developments and different stores.  there are so many condo buildings now it’s crazy.  how do all the people fit there? lol.  the ace hardware was just the same inside lol.  always have a fond spot in my heart for that place as i remember my grandpa walking there.  my old junior high was torn down (i think last year?) and they built a shiny new one.  my old house has some different landscaping/flowers in the front and it looks really nice.  kind of missed the northside and imagined myself moving back.  

why do i still live in this house?  probably just cause it’s easier NOT to move.  i dunno.  i didn’t choose this house, but it somehow became my home.  and even though the ex is no longer here, it’s still mine.  selling and moving would be soooo crazy to do.  and im not making much progress saving money lol.  did a little too much retail therapy post divorce i guess.

anyways i got a couple pastries from the bakery across the dentist’s office and it was so dang good, omg.  and then we ate a japanese place the dentist recommended and it was so good as well, lol.  I guess Leo’s fam knows it since it’s close to them & they also love it.  everything that went into the bento box was so tasty and cooked well.  then we went to a super H mart.  so huge!  it’s like twice the size of the market we go to that’s closer to our house.

i miss the north side a little bit.  and then knowing how easy it would be to hang out with Cancer and her fam.  i DON’T need to live here anymore as I wfh and can do that from anywhere.  no need to be in central location between his and my workplace.  /sigh, i dunno.

since my last entry, i was introduced to Disney’s Dreamlight Valley.  Hello, newest time suck!  it’s cute and fun & got all the right addicting things.  just add fighting monsters and dying and it would be just like any other really good rpg, lol.

the ankle is getting better, but i still don’t have the full range of motion, which makes me a little off and using muscles differently.  my left glute is SO SORE all the time lol.  i’ve done a couple workouts on the bike now too, just not clipping in as i’m afraid of the motion of clipping in and out.  i’ve gotten up to 6.3 for shorter intervals later in the class.

nephew had a game this evening, but they lost :(  it’s been fun watching his games, i am glad they are on espn+.  and then i text with my sister while we watch lol.

work has been really busy onboarding all sorts of new clients and new client acquisitions.  the year will be done in a blink of an eye!  ugh.  

oh, Leo friend started therapy this week.  i’m proud of her and really wondering if it’s something i should also look into.  most of my life ive just pushed through/ignored kept so busy i didn’t have to deal with things.  do i have issues? sure, but i’d say no more than anyone else.  would it help to talk things through?  probably.  but, i’ll probably stay too lazy to do anything about it and just stay in my cycle on repeat.  i dunno.

what is my why???