#another he couldn’t save
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so we all know about “who the hell is jordie?” “someone i trusted. someone i couldn’t afford to lose”, right, but what we forget is the significance of kaz calling jesper ‘jordie’. it’s not just that jesper is a brother to him- jordie was kaz’s protector. jordie was the 13 year old that protected kaz and who kaz protected, the goofy one who made him smile and bought him hot chocolate at night. he felt safe around him. he trusted jordie with his life. in calling jesper ‘jordie’, kaz shows that subconsciously, he trusts jesper to protect him, that he could turn to him should he need it. and every time he yells at jesper, the gambler who couldn’t stay out of the red, for losing another bet, getting in debt again, all he can see is that same thirteen-year-old boy, swindled out of everything he owned and left for dead on the street. with every word he yells at jesper, he silently urges him to stay alive. with every bet jesper makes, all kaz can think is “i can’t lose a brother. not again.”
#kaz brekker#been a while since i made you cry like this huh#jordie rietveld#jesper fahey#brothers#kaz rietveld#his backstory makes me cry#they are two sides of the same coin#i could say so much more about this#he yells at him#but it is a yell off a cliffside of no#not another#another he couldn’t save#inej ghafa#six of crows#shadow and bone#grishaverse#ketterdam#crow club
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12x12 / 15x18
#he doesn’t want dean and the rest to die and then he sacrifies himself to save dean and everyone else#do you get it. i wanted to add another from 15x18 but i couldn’t find anything that was ‘right’
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THE BEST OF PRIORITY: MARS (PART 1)
Featuring: Cmdr. Sophie Shepard, Maj. Kaidan Alenko, Lt. James Vega, and Dr. Liara T'Soni
Sophie, I don't know what you are- or who. Not since Cerberus rebuilt you. For all I know, you could be their puppet- controlled by The Illusive Man himself.
Mass Effect 3: Legendary Edition (2021)
#mira makes gifs ✨#shenko#james vega#kaidan alenko#sophie shepard#liara t’soni#mass effect#mass effect 3#me3#mass effect legendary edition#dailygaming#priority mars? more like priority shenko!#she’s a 2-parter bc there were too many good scenes to gif i literally couldn’t not gif all of them tbh#like mars is just peak shenko content even if it’s not canon to me#the expressions the conversations the glances the PINING it’s everything to me#the way shep looks at kaidan when they talk about what they’d lose if they fail 🥺#bioware i am in your WALLS over that scene in particular#‘is this what they did to you?’ sends me to ANOTHER DIMENSION and i need to write a whole ass fic off that line alone#bc it’s so good and there’s so many emotions tied to it#like the entire conversation between the two of them there is literally emotional damage for me and even if it’s not my canon it’s so GOOD#also PV with the see through visors saving my life on the elevator ride too?? like the expressions are so good#and cleric’s gorgeous shadow broker guardian set too like???#the fashion is just top notch for all these emotional moments#on a side note s/o to james for literally being in the middle of the most awkward couple’s spat in existence and being so casual about it#he’s everything to me tbh#him and kaidan are my loves#james vega and kaidan alenko men that you are#i’ll stop ranting in the part 1 tags now ✨
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I decided to reread The Hunger Games trilogy and I gotta say this trend of absolutely hating Gale and calling him a war criminal and selfish is such a miss.
Gale is by no means a perfect person. But none of the characters are. They all do bad or questionable things. They’re literally in the middle of a war. Even before it’s officially a war.
Yes Gale was jealous of Peeta and Katniss. Yes, there were significantly more important things going on. Gale knew that, he acknowledged that. But end of the day he’s still a teenager with emotions. Just like Peeta and Katniss who both also describe being jealous of Gale - Madge - Joanna. They also know it’s dumb given all the danger and death surrounding them. But surprisingly people still have emotions like love and jealousy during wartime - including teenagers.
As for the war criminal comments that’s a whole long discussion but let’s remember this is a world in which the government has been slaughtering children for entertainment and forcing all the districts that send their kids to watch them be murdered for the entirety of the main trios lives and long before them - it is all they have ever known.
Additionally, year round the capital treats the citizens like slaves and makes them produce whatever is necessary for the capital and then let’s them live in squalor starving to death. This is how Gale grew up. He was the oldest of 4 kids. His dad died when he was a kid and he was responsible for taking care of his mom and all his siblings. He had his name in the bowl for the reaping probably more than almost any boy in 12.
He watched his district and the men women and children he knew his whole life be burned alive while he had to lead as many to safety as he could. He watched his best friend be shoved into the hunger games twice knowing not only that he might lose her forever but that he would have 2 more people to care for and soon he would be forced into the mines full time with little opportunity to hunt.
So when a war breaks out to finally stop the abuses and murders by the capital of course Gale jumps in. Of course he plans to kill. It’s a war. And it’s nice to try and be a pacifist and say give peace a chance but how can you say that to your oppressors and expect anything to change. There had to be a war and there had to be death. Gale fought in the front lines and was willing to die to save his family and free the districts. It’s curious we never hear anyone call Beetee a war criminal when he made more weapons than anyone. Almost like it’s not the fact the Gale made weapons during a war, but that it was Gale.
#long rant no one cares about#this isn’t a shipping thing#I’d guess the reason he gets so much hate is a shipping thing#I just think Gale is a very interesting character and people just hate him now#he wasn’t in the hunger games but that doesn’t mean he didn’t have trauma#I do kinda think the bomb killing prim was a lame plot device used to get Gale out of the way when Collins couldn’t figure out another way#but even in the end Katniss doesn’t hate Gale#she calls for him to save her from imprisonment by killing her but knows he can’t just like she couldn’t#this is just my opinion#I will not be fighting with people#gale hawthorne#thg#the hunger games#js no one ever hates beetee#no one calls beetee a war criminal#Gale’s plans weren’t aimed at killing the most people he just wanted to win the war and save his people#fairly common strategy I would think
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I think a lot about Dean and how he molds love to fit around violence and control to explain his actions to himself. I think a lot about how Soulless Sam said he needed help and Dean beat him unconscious. I think a lot about Dean believing Sam’s hallucinations lured him off and how Dean greeted him with a punch to the face. I think a lot about Dean locking Sam up in the panic room to detox or die. I think a lot about how Dean hurts Sam when he thinks he’s in danger, especially when that danger is coming from within Sam.
#there’s so much wrong with him lmao. I love it.#when the threat is coming from the outside Dean can turn his anger and violence onto it accordingly#but when the threat is inside Sam? when the threat might even just be Sam? wires get crossed and Sam gets clocked across the jaw.#I mostly think about the punch in the Amy episode though. that one will always make me ill#by Dean’s on admission for all he knows Sam is having another pyschotic break. and the last one ended with him waving a gun around.#for all Dean knows the devil is in Sam’s head tormenting him. and then when he sees him. he punches Sam as hard as he can.#and. like. I guess he did learn that pain drives Lucifer out last episode. I guess he could just be making use of that knowledge quickly.#but like. he’s also been visibly frustrated and annoyed by Sam being traumatized in front of him.#and a lot of it is powerless. he couldn’t save Sam. this is not something Dean can fight.#but you know. what can he do? punch Sam in the face. take his car back. take the strongest control of the situation he can by killing Amy.#idk. idk. scenes that literally make me ill but also I can’t stop thinking about it#dean winchester#spn
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Forgot to mention awhile ago I started Big O-ITS GOOD-and this is something that hasn’t been touched on yet but is that the robot is sentient, which got me thinking about why this aspect is appealing to me in mecha context pasts “already preferring robots with sentience to begin with”.
There is something both intriguing and horrifying about the idea this giant man made machine your piloting that cannot speak at all is still technically aware. It doesn’t have a free will per-say as it needs you, its pilot, to operate it, to make it move and fight, but it still has its own thoughts and feelings. And whether or not this sentience means anything to humanity-if it freaks out other people, if it means anything for the general scale of evolution and the future as technology continues to grow-you still have the duty to pilot this robot because there’s no other way to eliminate the enemies, and only you can do it. Even if you didn’t choose to, the robot needs you as much as you need it.
#meg text#mecha rambles#this is also probably a byproduct of my getter brain rot lol#I don’t expect every mecha to be like getter-that’s dumb-but any similar narrative with robot sentience makes me 👀#of course there’s the level of vagueness to it all but that’s what I like about it because it’s perfect analysis material#also characterization of robots being sentient but not speaking>>>#honestly this might be why I couldn’t get into tf or brave didn’t tickle my brain even though I should try again#I love my talking robots obviously but with mecha this approach makes the most sense#having them talk or “only be metaphorically representing something” doesn’t appeal to me unlike this in between#only expectation is like- the pilot is literally the robot but I can only think of Jeeg for this lol#and even then it’s just for OG but Kenji is essentially a toku protag so I like the metaphorical part there#he’s not literally Jeeg nor is his robot sentient but mentally they are intertwined#oh and can I just say so far with big o I like how it manages to balance big robot with human looking robot#the fact Dorothy is ACTUALLY connected to them is so fucking cool but I’ll save that for another time#(also I really gotta watch giant robo after I finish this show even though I got a pile of other things huh)
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screams and wails and sobs on the moors like a Victorian ghost maiden but it’s just bc i thought about joel miller for too long and made myself sad
#lindsey shut up#tlou#the last of us#THE PANIC THE DESPERATION THE SHEER HYSTERIA DRIVING HIM#he could not care less about saving the world right now!!! he’s faced with his oldest and worst fear again and he BREAKS!!!!#he is unable to see past the threat of a repeat of the Worst Pain Of His Life and he will do literally anything to prevent that#it’s not even about wanting to save Ellie it is a pure and unadulterated selfish urge to Avoid The Pain#joel couldn’t give less of a shit about saving the world when there is a very real threat of another dead little girl in his arms#and that’s what makes him so incredibly captivating!!! he KNOWS Ellie would willingly die for a cure!!! that’s why he lies to her about it!!#hogjjgghdjfhgfufnfj. i neeb to lie down
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I had this crazy ass dream where Gojo was being kidnapped and then it was up to me and a bunch of other students (it was the mha kids for some reason though😵💫) to save him and I was literally the only one trying super duper hard bc I love Gojo and didn’t want him kidnapped lmao
#THEY PUT HIM IN A BOX!!!#I HAD TO SAVE HIM!!! 😭😭#and then they also started torturing him…#and he nearly died bc it was too many wounds all at once he couldn’t keep up with healing himself#and then I had another nightmare after that dream#aaugh#crimsonkenjii rambles
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#since i’m already talking about it…#i’m scared to foster again lmao#2022 was a bad year#i had so many animals pass away#and like. that becomes part of the job#and it always hurts#but it felt like every animal i took in passed away in the span of 3 months#in that same time frame zoey - the loml - also finally passed#all the while the main rescue i was with was treating me like ass#refusing to let me see a vet when i needed so i ended up paying for a lot of vet care#they completely forgot about oskar#i never adopted him they just forgot i had their animal#oskar was on deaths door for months bc they wouldn’t let him see the vet#bc ‘he was too sick and they couldn’t justify the cost’#and i’ve been doing a lot of work down in the shelter#and it’s ran by the county so i know if i need vet care i will get it#their main vet tech is soo nice and helped me a bunch#but i’m so scared of taking in more kittens and having another bad run where i can’t save any of them
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Thinking about how they had Cleo say “who I am is strong with or without my powers” (and it’s not like she actually lost her powers they were acting up bc she was evolving into a fury). That after a couple episodes they really had her come to that revelation that she isn’t weak even if she doesn’t have her powers. And she even got support when it came to that from Kaleb(and I think someone else can’t remember). Then we have Landon who is a very strong person(bc of who is he/everything he’s been through) when he had powers and didn’t have them. But had to spend seasons feeling weak or being made to feel weak, bc he didn’t have the right type of powers or no powers at all. And in s2 he had to ask Wade to believe in him, just to get some type of support from one of his “friends.” And you’re telling me that after seasons of feeling that way they couldn’t have him come to same conclusion that he is and has always been strong…….. 😑😒😑😒😑😒
#what type of BS is that!#remember in s1 that had Hope tell him that he’s a survivor and that made him one of the strongest people she knows#and instead of building on that they backtrack that in s2 and had him spend the rest of feeling/being made to feel weak#even when he was continuously risking his life to save everyone#as well as surviving everything they put him through during the shows run#they really couldn’t let him realize that he’s never been weak#oh! and can we take a second to talk about when Cleo powers were acting up the squad let her know she can still be/is still useful#but with Landon with and without powers they kept saying they he isn’t/couldn’t be useful#even though he was literally the most useful one out of all of them#currently in the middle of another Landon Kirby breakdown 😭
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bamboozled by the thancred conversation after getting back from the moon and his (thankfully) unfulfilled favor of the WoL where if things are truly well and bleak and that they have to leave this star that they can’t let him make choices to endanger the scions. Even if leaving means Ryne and everyone else in the First will die
#it’s got the vibes of the WoL having to drag him onto the ship to leave the star because he can’t be trusted to not kick and scream#to try his damndest to save the world#and it makes me feel a way that he knows that about himself#that he knows the choice he would make and he would have to not be allowed to make that choice#it goes back so far with Thancred where he puts others above himself#and it’s that he doesn’t trust himself#which that makes me feel a different way#it just fits so well with his character and I’m sad about it!#like I’m sad about how he’s the first to go when they arrive in Ultima Thule#and how Meteion says that despite how he couldn’t breathe he still tried to save the scions#sjsjsjdd he gets so upset about the WoL and what they did with Zenos there#but BOY I wanna talk about you at the beginning of this shit my GOOD DUDE#it’s like ur yelling at me for jumping off a cliff when you jumped off that cliff ten minutes ago#and not to get all oc about it#but when that happened in the ship eyrie thought he was gone#just like that. gone#another someone they cared about deeply gone without them being able to do a single thing about it#that terrible gut wrenching helplessness like with haurchefant#yes he wasn’t gonna but that doesn’t stop eyrie from still remembering it. having night terrors about it#me banging my fists on the table about thancred waters again ig#living up to my blog title again#Owen plays ffxiv
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what if Dean killed Charlie himself for helping Sam with the book of the damned instead of immediately telling Dean what was happening. what if he still told Sam it was his fault for putting Charlie in harm’s way (in this scenario, anywhere near Dean with the mark on him, despite her and Sam trying to remove said mark?) what if Dean had actually killed someone important to him who trusted him and loved him?
#he should literally also have just killed Cas as well and god should have brought Cas back. again.#that’s his favorite doll right there he can’t stay dead <3 Dean Winchester would be too sad about it#anyway. Sam mopping up the blood in the library scene but it’s not the Stynes#it’s Charlie’s blood and Charlie’s body and he’s cleaning up the mess and Dean tells him at her funeral that it should be Sam burning#and Sam gets to blame himself for it <3#come on fellas if we have to fridge Charlie let’s at least give it some stakes#Dean already broke her shadow self’s arm and nearly killed her despite knowing he’d be killing the good Charlie too. what if he lost#control again. she went behind his back. Dean doesn’t react well to betrayal. and she’s Charlie! she’s supposed to be Good and Perfect!#she’s supposed to be like a little sister to him! and if dean were in his right mind he might deal with this okay#(like say. how he forgives Benny in that deleted scene for breaking and drinking from someone. when he sees Benny as a man and not the ideal#of a person who won’t ever mess up or betray him.)#but Dean is not in his right mind. and Charlie is the key to cracking the book. and he can’t let the book be cracked.#and she only came to him because she felt guilty. maybe something Rowena said dug too deep under her skin. and he’s dean! he’s still dean!#and she forgave him. (she couldn’t stay in that bunker another minute around him.) but she forgave him! he has to understand how important#it is to save him! just like he saved Sam! and Dean stands up. and you know. if this was really the show I’d still say we don’t get to see#what happens. we just get Sam mopping up the blood afterwards. that’s all.#I’m just saying. if she had to die. make it count.#spn#charlie bradbury#dean winchester
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Wellll thought id post a little snippet of a oneshot i was gonna write
It felt like betrayal, some part of him thought as he stumbled into his apartment.
It felt like betrayal and abandonment. It left a bitter taste in his mouth alongside the gunmetal, coppery taste of blood clinging to his teeth and coating his tongue. He clumsily swiped his helmet off with one hand, casting it to the ground somewhere off to the side, as the other hand clutched his side in a desperate bid to keep himself from bleeding out (not that it was working particularly well).
His helmet was beyond repair at this point; the visor so cracked he could hardly see out of it and the hard, protective plastic dented, chipping, and pieces falling out. It couldn’t connect to anyone; the comms just echoing static. The rest of his gear was just as useless; one of his guns was missing, the other jammed and essentially unusable at the moment. His grapple was missing a hook and the mechanism stripped so bad it couldn’t pull him anywhere. Out of batarangs and flashbangs and grenades and hidden knives. Really, if someone wanted to take him out at this exact moment, all he had left to defend himself was his own body, and that was in shit condition. So, he dragged himself to the couch beside the fire escape he had crawled from, and fell across it with an oomph, and settled in.
To die.
Again.
Maybe he would come back again. Maybe, this time, he would be gone for good. He couldn’t tell which one he would prefer. He’s not so sure he should think too hard about it. He’s not sure he would like the answer.
The point is: it felt like abandonment and betrayal. Betrayal and abandonment. It felt like something that left a bitter taste in his mouth and he wished it would go away (because he wants to die in peace, goddamnit) because he didn’t want to die hating everything and everyone (he didn’t want to die hating Bruce, hating dad, but it felt like the man really hadn’t left him a choice).
He was tired. Tired of being angry, tired of fighting (his family, that was, because that’s what they were, even if they didn’t think so), tired of hoping and wishing and regretting.
Maybe, if they had had a little more time, things would have worked out. (He would have made up with Bruce and hung out with Dick and asked Alfred to teach him to cook. He would have had a father and a brother and a grandfather.) But they hadn’t.
He had lain there, on the dirt coated floor of a warehouse in the middle of nowhere, wishing. Wishing more desperately than he’d ever wished for anything in his whole life. Wishing for Bruce. Wishing that he would appear. Wishing that he would swoop in from above and take him away. Wishing that he would save him and bring him home (he was sorry; he never should have left).
Coughing and choking and twitching with a madman standing over him, laughing and laughing and laughing. Laughing as he stared him in the eyes. Laughing as he raised his arms above his head. Laughing as a crowbar smashed into his sides, his face, his head. Laughing as his mother (not his mother) sold him away for a pittance.
No, it wasn’t wishing. It was believing; it was knowing he would come. Knowing that Batman, that Bruce, that his father, would save him.
He never came.
He had died alone, and in pain, and so, so afraid.
He thinks, some days, that something in him died that day; something had been irreparably damaged that night, broken beyond repair.
#jason todd#hurt#babys got a booboo hes not coming back from#this is part of something longer#but i was getting off track#he was rambling#taking too long to die smh#so its on pause#it was gonna be a reincarnation fic#then I realized i could really hurt people if i didnt bring him back#n then wrote another chapter abt bruce#n we all realize that jay died not knowing that bruce actually loved him#n bruce monologues#he couldn’t save him#dc#dcu#red hood#oop actually before i really got into dc i thought hood wore a bike helmet not a strange mask thing that looks like deadpool but weirder
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I’ve been dipping my toes into larp which is very great but also like. Especially with oneshots, what are you supposed to do when you’re still attached to a character but the story has ended and the made-up world they inhabited and the other characters who they’d interacted with no longer exist, so they’ve just Ceased To Be, where are those feelins supposed to gooooo
#admittedly the LARP today was uhhh. weirdly not well-written on several levels and I’d be iffy about playing other games by the same author#and the basic story premise was pretty dark in the first place#but we worked with it#and BOY OH BOY things went places#like the characters were all in a dungeon awaiting their execution in a few hours#for having been servants to an evil sorcerer even though some of them weren’t even working for him by choice#lots of arguing going on + debate over someone possibly snitching on the sorcerer’s apprentice to the guards in exchange for freedom#and/or how the loyal ones might help the apprentice character escape#my guy was in total despair for quite a lot of reasons but then formed a very sweet but brief and doomed bond with another prisoner#when she got the chance to escape alone he did what he could to help and spent their last few moments coaching her#on how to hide her identity and survive and find somewhere to live in the outside world#then he tried to save himself plus another character who was just a kid and didn’t deserve to be there but both couldn’t go#so he saved the kid (or at least did what he could bc there was no way of knowing if they actually got out)#and paid DEARLY for it but was totally at peace while lying on the dungeon floor as a bloody pulp because at least he’d done something good#his last IC words were something like ‘’I did what I could. I did as much as I could. I’m ready to meet god now’’.#also bc of magical fuckery as explicitly described in the rulebook it’s totally unknown where his friend ended up or whether she lived#we decided that she probably maybe hopefully survived though ;—;
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my sim died and i had to reload to my last save which was two sims days ago
#why don’t i save more often. what is wrong with me#my sim had JUST gotten married that night so he was happy and then he won a videogame round so he was in hysterics#then he died of laughter. like twelve hours after his wedding. to his sweetheart. whom he has THREE young kids with#so i just. couldn’t go through with that. i couldn’t let three kids be half orphans#they love their dad so much and he loves them#the house is big and the wife makes good money and all so they wouldve been set#but dear god i canNOT handle three half orphans. that is way too cruel#sigh. i have to change all of their outifts again and go through another new year and go to the romance festival to elope#and redo the ENTIRE BACKYARD FUCKKK#…i am doing this. for the children#🫧
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