#the way shep looks at kaidan when they talk about what they’d lose if they fail 🥺 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mai-nonsense · 3 years

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Basics: 2, 6. Appearance: 4. Personality: 3, 8,9. Background: 1, 5. Relationships: 1, 3, 4, 7. Fun facts: 1, 7, 10.

*claps hands together* Alright! I'm going to do the answers for my Shepards, otherwise I'll be here all week.

2. What does their name mean? Why are they named that?

Jane: The original reason she's named that is because I was too lazy to think of a name so I just went with the default (she was my first ever Shepard), now I Headcannon that she went by Shepard until she joined up with the alliance, so she chose the name Jane because it's the only one that came to mind

Cassidy: I don't really pay attention to what names actually mean when I name characters, but I named her that b/c it's pretty and she just kinda looked like Cassidy

Henri: Henry is a family name on both sides of my family, but I wanted to use it as for a femshep b/c I like androgynous names (partly because I have one, but also because I think there should be more of them in circulation)

Damien: His name was originally Darren but I changed it b/c my sister and mum pointed out that Darren's a bit bogan. And instead of owning it I covered it up like a coward. I renamed him Damien because my favorite Robin is Damian Wayne and litteraly no other reason

Vance: named after the singer Vance Joy, b/c his songs have a lot of emotional significance to me and I like the name

Ryan: he's my only actual Canadian Shepard and my mum and I have a running joke about all Canadians being named Ryan (b/c of Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Gosling etc.) So he's Ryan.

6. What's their star sign, birthstone etc? Does it hold any special significance for them?

All of them besides Vance have Shepard's canon birthday and none of them besides Cassidy have any belief in that kind of thing. Cassidy is a quietly spiritual kind of woman so she likes the whole star sign/ birthstone kind of thing, but she'd never admit out loud.

4. Appearance- How do they carry themselves? What is their default expression?

Jane has resting bitch face. She walks around like she's going to go beat someone up, probably because she usually is.

Cassidy has a very casual, approachable demeanor about her. Her go-to expression is either concern or pouting.

Henri carries herself shoulders back, chin up and head held high. Her usual expression is a mix of serious and thoughtful

Damien carries himself like a serious soldier but with a hint of sadness, he has resting sad face

Vance also walks around like he's looking for a fight and he's usually scowling

Ryan has a cocky swagger and usually has a sideways smile on his face

Personality 3. What are their hobbies and interests?

Jane: Is gun-modding a hobby? Because if so then that's one of them. She genuinely enjoys the combat part of being a soldier and enjoys training herself to be a deadly weapon, a side effect of growing up in the reds most likely. She doesn't really have many interests outside of being a solider, and doesn't really eat anything outside of protein bars and ready-meals.

Cassidy: she likes to mod games in her spare time, and practices her hacking skills a lot in order to keep herself sharp. She has a fondness for Turian and Salarian pop-culture, video games especially.

Henri: Henri likes hard copy books, with old-fashioned dust jackets and everything. Even with new release publications, she'll always go out of her way to find a hard copy if she really wants to read it. She usually reads non-fiction but she's a sucker for a good romance novel.

Damien: Also throws himself into his work so much that he barely has any free time. On the rare occasion that he does, he likes to build things, usually model ships or card towers (which he knocks down immediately after)

Vance: Vance actually really enjoys cooking, it's something he used to do with his mum when he was little so it's his way of keeping her alive in spirit

Ryan: Ryan has a penchant for old earth comic books and music from the 20/21st century, he likes to draw and regularly carries a sketchbook

8. What are their manners like? Any habits?

Jane's manners are atrocious. She's straightforward, tactless and blunt, which gets her in trouble quite a bit. She's not a fan of sparing feelings, if you're doing something that's pissing her off, she'll let you know

Cassidy is also pretty blunt, but has a lot more tact and isn't as crass as Jane. She's nice whenever possible but she doesn't skirt around issues

Henri is anxious people-pleaser that always looks for the best in everyone at heart, but has a polite but proffesional exterior.

Damien varies depending on his mood, Mass Effect 1 Damien is polite and proffesional but that drops as time goes by. By the time ME:3 rolls around he is 1000% done and doesn't have time to put up with anyone's shit and reacts to social situations accordingly

Vance goes in the opposite direction to Damien, starts off rude and aggressive but gradually softens as time goes by.

Ryan has decent manners, but can often be inappropriate in social situations

9. What are they most afraid of?

Jane: before falling for Kaidan, it's falling for Kaidan, because she hates having intense emotions about people that she can't control. After falling for Kaidan, it's anything bad happening to Kaidan. She doesn't really care for her own well-being but she constantly worries about and will protect her friends and loved ones at all costs.

Cassidy: Dying. Specifically, dying again and Garrus continuing down the dark path she found him on after her resurrection. She'd hate for him to completely lose hope like that again.

Henri: dissapointing those around her.

Damien: Also letting everyone down.

Vance: Everyone he cares about dying painfully.

Ryan: spiders.

Background, 1. Where were they born, what was their childhood like?

Jane was born in Brisbane, believe it or not, she gets carted off to one of her aunts in America at age 4. After that it's foster home to home for her until she ditches them for the reds at 10. Needless to say, her childhood was rough.

Both Vance and Henri were born and raised on Mindoir. They both had good childhoods until Batarians killed their families.

Damien was born in Chicago. He spent his childhood being bandied about from alliance ship to alliance ship. He spent a lot of his childhood alone.

Cassidy was born in New York, but has the spacer background. Her mother had a much more caring presence then Damien's however, so she grew up well.

Ryan was born in Montreal, spent his childhood in and out of foster homes until he was 14, when he joined the reds for protection. Despite this, he views his childhood in a positive light, as he knows he's come a long way since those days.

5. Where do they currently live? What's their place like?

I'm going to skip this one because I don't have a good answer for any of them at the moment lol.

Relationships, 1. Do they have any friends? Who would they consider their best friend?

Jane has more friends/people who care about her then she thinks she does. She considers her best friend to be either Miranda or Liara.

Cassidy gives off chill older sister vibes and treats her crew as family, so a lot of people come to her for support or just for an ear. She loves talking tech with Tali and considers her to be her best friend, with Ashley coming in as a close second.

Henri initially has more colleagues then friends, but she learns to loosen up and to have a more relaxed approach to the people she cares about. She considers her best friends to be Kaidan and Joker (though her feelings for Joker develop into something more ever time)

Damien has the ruthless background, so he's more feared then loved. He's also quite socially awkward so it's hard for him to make friends to begin with. Despite this, the people who do call him friend do so wholeheartedly. He considers his best friend to be Garrus.

Vance, despite being an asshole, actually has a lot of friends. Because he's a loveable asshole. His best friend is either Liara or Jack.

Ryan is very likeable, and is often the life of the party. But people more look up to him then actually consider him a friend. He considers Kaidan his best friend. (who he's also secretly in love with, but shhhhhhh we'll get to that)

3. What's their love life like? Do they have any kids?

I'm currently using Jane as my "Kaidan as subject zero AU" Shepard, because I think she fits so well with subject0!Kaidan, as I love writing stories about two hardened badasses who just want to be loved, falling in love. Non-au Jane also ends up with Kaidan, and have a daughter named Astra

Cassidy is one of my two Shakarian Sheps, who gets the more 'traditional' happy ending out of the two. That is, she retires somewhere nice with Garrus and they adopt a bunch of orphans together.

Henri is my one and only Joker-mancer, one of these days I will write their story (once I finish planning it out lol) but I currently have other projects at the forefront. As for kids, neither Henri or Joker want them because there would be to many medical factors/lifestyle changes they'd have to consider and they couldn't put that burden on a kid.

Damien's life motto is: no kids, only dogs and he manages to stick by that pretty well. When Vance (his half-brother) has kids he settles into the role of cool uncle though. Though Damien thought he wasn't one for romance at all, he somehow fell in love with Kaidan without realizing it and they eventually end up together.

Vance and Ashley fall hard for each other, and after many hardships and triumphs, they eventually marry and have three kids together

Ryan sleeps around a bit but spends the duration of ME:1 and 2 pining for Kaidan but never saying anything b/c he doesn't want to make it awkward™. Naturally they end up together but it takes a while. Am currently undecided on whether they have kids together or not.

4. Who do they look up to? Who do they trust?

Jane: Anderson. He took her under his wing and believed in her when nobody else did. She comes to trust her inner circle in time. That consisting primarly of Kaidan, Miranda, Jack, Liara, Garrus and Wrex.

Cassidy: Her mother, as she managed to give her a good childhood while in the military as a single mum. She trusts Garrus and Tali with her life.

Henri: Anderson and Hackett both, as they've always pushed her to do her best. She trusts in her crew, as, in her eyes, they've never let her down.

Damien: Hackett, as he gave him a second chance after Torfan and promised him that he wouldn't let him down. People don't trust him on impulse so the people whose trust he earns always have his in return.

Vance, Anderson and Samara. Anderson because he helped him after he lost his family on Mindoir and Samara because she's a powerful biotic with a commanding presence and he learns a lot about discipline from her. Vance eventually learns to trust Damien after not wanting him anywhere near his life for a long time.

Ryan: He tries to find a way to learn at least something from everyone he encounters, good or bad. He doesn't really trust anyone for a very long time but gradually comes to trust in his ME:3 crew

7. Are they good with kids? Animals?

Jane: Surprisingly, yes. Though it can depend on the kid or animal in question *cough star child cough*. She strives to protect those who can't defend themselves and improve lives for future generations.

Cassidy: Very good with both.

Henri: She grew up a farm girl, so she's pretty great with animals. She's good with kids until they start screeching and then she promptly nopes out.

Damien: Good with animals, dogs in particular. Is okay with kids, but doesn't really like interacting with them unless he has a good reason (like them being his niece and nephews).

Vance: Despite growing up a farm boy, he's not too big an animal lover. He loves his own kids, but isn't too big on them in general.

Ryan: Used to hang out with stray cats as a teen. Decent kid-wrangler™.

Fun facts, 1. Which tropes do they fit? which archetypes?

Jane fits the "does bad things for a good goal" trope and potentially fits the stereotypical "bad girl" archetype as well

Cassidy fits with the "protective matriarch/sister" archetype/trope

Henri gives me "girl next door", but with a gun, vibes

Damien fits the "everyone thinks he's evil, but he's really just misunderstood" trope

Vance is def an "asshole with a heart of gold"

Ryan's a himbo

7. What languages do they speak?

Vance knows a tiny bit of Mandarin, and Ryan speaks okay Canadian French, everyone else speaks English and only English for now, though that may change as I find out more about them.

10. What songs remind you of them?

Jane: Missile, Dorothy

Cassidy: Dead Weight, PVRIS

Henri: CHAMPION, Bishop Brigs

Damien: The Phoenix, Fall Out Boy

Vance: What's Up Danger, Blackway ft. Black Caviar

Ryan: You're Gonna Go Far Kid, The Offspring

WOW. I just did a big old-fashioned info dump right there. Sorry about that.

Thanks for the ask!!!

#ask meme #oc asks #crqstalite

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incorrectly-quoted-queers · 4 years

Text

Drunk Punch Love: Chapter 4

Pairing: FemShep and Garrus Vakarian (Shakarian)

Rating: PG-13 (with some tossed F-bombs)

Summary: Their awkward, badass journey through saving the galaxy and accidentally falling in love

Chapter 4: Drunken Heroes

After all her damned talk of avoiding booze forever, here she was, taking her whole crew to get wasted at a bar.

To give herself credit, this was 100% about letting her friends blow off steam before they headed to Virmire, not about her. She didn't even have any plans to drink, just play babysitter and have some fun with them. After all they'd done for the mission, they deserved some shore leave.

Anya almost wished she could be as hyped as Ash was. The soldier kept talking about how she was itching for a good Citadel blue cocktail mixed with classic Russian Vodka. Kept on saying she'd call it "The Shepard".

She stuck back, watching Ash drag Tali, Ash, Joker, Liara, Kaidan, and Garrus to the bartender. The only one left was her favorite cranky Krogan, an old man among youths. But he already knew that without her pointing that out. He chuckled low next to her, "You look like a mother Varren with her pups."

"What, do I look like I'm gonna eat them?"

Wrex grumbled with distaste, but Anya felt pretty satisfied, annoying him. "Varren are dedicated to their young. And so are you, Mother Shepard."

Anya nearly gagged at the thought. Her, a mom? Hardly. She was just a pathetic lonely soldier who had friends for the first time in a long time. A hard mission does that to people; it bonds them. "I'd prefer you never call me that again."

"No promises."

"What do you even do at a bar?"

While Wrex barely reacted, she knew his was peering at her with confusion. "I drink, just like everyone else."

"I can't picture it."

"Well if you need a picture, I'll be over there, drinking ryncol. I'll tell the waitress you're buying." Wrex patted her back and walked off without any confirmation.

Under her breath, Anya grumbled, "I mean, I am buying, but you could've asked..." She just shook her head and accepted the inordinate amount of credits she was about to lose on that tab. But at least, when she turned to look back at the bar, her entire crew seemed to be enjoying themselves. Ash was being the leader of the pack. Liara was sticking closing, admiring the entertainment, and Tali looked like she was roped into being her wingman.

Garrus, of course, was the one in some sort of arm wrestle with Kaidan while Joker egged them on. Who knew what the hell that was about.

Shepard just nabbed a glass of water and joined Liara in watching Ash try to flirt with guys and/or flirt with them for Tali, who seemed far less interested. She noticed T'Soni stiffened up a little the second she sat down, but she tried to ignore it. "Everyone looks like they're having a good time, huh?"

"Absolutely. I've never seen Gunnery Chief Willaims so loud. Not outside of a firefight, at least."

Though she didn't mean to, every time she sat down next to her crew, she turned full Commander mode. And Liara's somber mood was a prime target. "I know you said you were doing better, but how are you really holding up?"

Staring down at her glass, Liara kept on looking at the liquid in it like it would say something profound to her. Anya remembered that look; probably a little too well. "Worse than I expected. Benezia and I weren't close for a long time. I knew losing her would be hard but not like... this. I feel like a fundamental part of me is now being washed away a little more every day and there's nothing I can do to stop it."

Anya normally wasn't one for opening up deep, old wounds, but she couldn't just let Liara sit there, haunted and alone, on their last night of peace before the storm. She was very deliberate in putting her palm gently on Liara's shoulder and not her hand. "After Akuze, I used to have a drinking problem. Or lack of drinking problem. I'd used to come here, buy the drink my squad used to always get, and stared down into it until the bar was empty and I was kicked out. It was like I was trying to find meaning to fill that empty space in me. But nothing really fills it. You just find other things that give you meaning and eventually they motivate you more than the emptiness does."

Before Shepard could react, Liara put her own hand on hers and was giving her this sweet smile. "Thank you, Shepard."

Anya pulled her hand away and scooted an inch or two back, trying to diffuse any cute moment Liara might've thought they were having. "I'm here to help anytime. That's what friends do."

After she said that, Anya didn't want to look up and cringe at the disappointment painted on Liara's face. It already fucked her up inside. But when she did finally look up, she felt a lot more weird feelings than she meant to.

Sure, there was Liara's conflicted face, but past her ear Anya could see the boy band of Joker, Garrus, and Kaidan sitting around a table and laughing. Well, they were, but then a female turian walked up and looked at Garrus like he was a snack.

Not that she fully disagreed but that wasn't the damn point.

While she didn't mean to go comatose, and she was pretty sure Liara might've said something, she felt like everything blacked out except him. And he was doing that awkward smiling thing, and she could tell he was flustered, and she could tell the turian was hitting on him. And where the bro in her was happy for him, that fucked up part of her that woke itself up on a Noveria bar had its eyes wide open and was screaming.

Before she could make any expressions that made her make a fool of herself, and so she didn't have to look at it anymore, Anya went to staring down into the glass of water in front of her.

"By the goddess, how did I not notice?"

Shepard shook her head and gave Liara her best clueless look. Oh boy, how she didn't want her to be noticing what she thought she might have noticed. ANya asked, "Notice what?"

Even though there was this sadness in her eyes, there was also clarity. Liara said it so plainly that it hurt, "You have feelings for Garrus."

Anya covered Liara's mouth with her hand and closed her eyes, like if she wished it hard enough she'd wake up and this nightmare would be over and no one would know her dumb, dirty little secret. "No, nope, I don't. You saw nothing."

"And your cheeks are even getting red. I never-"

Giving up, because clearly her cover-up skills were piss poor, Shepard just held her hands and tried not to look too desperate. It was embarrassing enough. "Please don't talk about it. He doesn't feel the same way and it doesn't matter. You're all my friends and we're on a mission and that's what we need to focus on."

Liara frowned, but didn't seem too keen to pry. "I won't make you talk more, mostly because I feel embarrassed for chasing after you now, but if you need to talk, I'm here."

If Anya was in peak Commander mode, she'd stay shut up, let it end at that, but after so much time keeping it to herself and feeling so frustrated, and now seeing him get looked at like that by some attractive turian... Well, maybe she'd be better off not keeping it inside. "He's my best friend, Liara. It complicates everything."

"Clearly people think that complication is worth it. And here I was, hoping it was me."

"I'm sorry, Liara."

"It matters more to me that you stay my friend."

Of all the stupid things tonight, that made her smile. Even under all the "getting caught looking at Garrus" embarrassment. "That's what matters to me, too. And not just with you, with him."

"I can understand that."

Anya winced and kept her eyes down, not wanting to look at Garrus, knowing he probably was flirting back. He had every right and... And, well, it wasn't like he owed her anything. They said it didn't happen, she was just a squishy human, and they'd just stay friends, right? "So, I'd just prefer we talk about other things to distact me from saying anything dumb about Garrus Vakarian-"

"Somebody saying my name?"

Startled, Anya jumped in her chair and almost fell off. Liara started giggling like the funniest shit just happened, but hearing him pop up behind he was so unfair. More unfair was the fact she noticed his hand was holding her chair straight. Anya just sunk down into it, real low, and tried to hope that Saren would take her down with him. At least it was an honorable death.

Lucky for Shepard, Liara winked at her and saved her ass. "We were wondering who won the arm wrestling, you or Lieutenant Alenko. The Commander was betting on you, even though I said Kaidan would win."

"You wound me, Liara."

Trying to act casual, Anya raised an eyebrow. "So who won, then?"

Garrus scratched the back of his neck and admitted, "Okay, fine, Alenko won. But only because he's a dirty cheat and used biotics."

She didn't know what it was about his wounded pride, but it helped unwind all the knots she'd put herself in. Anya patted his shoulder, saying, "Don't worry, you're still my number one turian."

"He's not a turian and I'm your only turian. That statement means nothing, but sure, thanks, Shep."

Watching him scowl at her, like nothing was weird or wrong, it made her laugh in a way that vibrated throughout her entire body. But maybe she also didn't want to admit how much it warmed her up, knowing he turned the flirting turian down and came over here to her.

After she got out her nerves and laughed like that, the rest of the night was a fun blur. The crew started sharing embarrassing stories of first kisses and first posts, and they all danced and Tali made fun of her for being terrible. Garrus was the only one who gave her a wink during that, because he knew her actual skills. Not like she was going to tondue at a club, though. And then later they even got Wrex to join in on an argument on who had the wildest battle scars. No surprise, the Krogan won. But Joker's surgery scars almost gave him a run for his money.

That night, she was the one helping carry Ash back to the Normandy while everyone else was walking or stumbling in front of them. Everyone enjoyed themselves, but Ash was definitely the one that hit the booze the hardest.

But Anya didn't mind too much. She saw how Ash made everyone smile and brought them together. The spitfire would be a great leader someday, once she got more experience under her belt.

Leaning into her shoulder, the Gunnery Chief started to mumble. "We're going to save the galaxy, Shep. I'll get to be a hero. The Williams name is gonna go down in history for great reasons this time."

Anya held onto Ash's side, tight, and said, "You're going to be a great hero, Ash. Probably a better one than me. You don't have the baggage weighing you down."

When Ash laughed, it bubbled through her body and almost shoved them too close to the railing. Garrus gave her a look, like asking if she wanted help, but Anya shook her head. She and captain realism didn't need to burst Ash's hopefulness here. It was honestly kind of nice to hear someone talk about the future like this. Ash wasn't thinking about dying; just about the good she'd do.

How could Anya not admire that?

"I'm gonna have a tough time beating you, Shep, but I'll do my best."

"You better. Second human Spectre, Ashely Williams, Sounds good, right?"

Ash was still so wobbly. Anya wasn't quite sure she'd remember any of this in the morning. That only made it so much easier to compliment her. "Don't get crazy, Commander." She rolled her eyes in a very exaggerated way, but then hiccuped so hard some of her hair fell out of her bun. "But yeah, it kinda does sound good."

"Well, let's get back on the Normandy and make you a hero, Ash." When she finished carrying Ash onto the ship, she kept on seeing the drunk cadet she used to be, laughing with her friends anytime they got shore leave, all swapping stories on how they'd become heroes. None of them would've ever guessed Anya'd get it because they all died. She'd gained honor in an awful, horrible way. But she hoped Ash could become someone great by her side, instead.

That was one of the few things she'd enjoy seeing, at the end of all this.

///

Author's Note:

Thanks so much for reading, and double thanks to my lovely patrons:

Danyell Jones

Amy Connolly

If you'd like to support my work, please go check out my patreon: patreon.com/gracejordan

I also write original stories and am trying to build a community of fandom lovers on writing sites, in Discord, and (in the future) on Twitch :) any help is appreciated

#shakarian #femshep x garrus #garrus vakarian #Anya shepard #commander shepard #ashley williams #virmire #drunk punch love #mass effect fanfiction #fanfiction #bioware romances #mass effect romances #Wrex #Liara T'soni

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meggannn · 6 years

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ironically one of my favorite things about shepard/garrus is one of the things i think bioware did least successfully, at least for my personal taste. and i admit this is mostly cause i prefer developing/reading professional or emotionally reserved sheps (at least on the surface) who gradually open up to their li over time, over sheps who wear their heart on their sleeves from the beginning, and there are very few bw romances that really allow you to play that first kind of character, considering you, the pc, have to instigate the romance dialogue. there’s only so much a game can do to mimic a ‘real’ romance after all. even so i do prefer a bit of, if not subtlety, then.... tactfulness, i guess, when the pc pops the question, especially with a character like shepard who is so duty-focused and (until the proposing scene) never really indicated they were driven by their libido when looking for a partner (even if they were joking). so that “do you wanna bang” scene gives me such second hand embarrassment i gotta rewrite most of their entire me2 romance in my head and one day i’ll put it to a fic, but in the meantime...... i’ll just blab about it on tumblr dot com i guess....

like, i like the VIBE that is established. i like that in me2, we get confirmation that: a) garrus’s confidence in personal matters is absolutely nil when it comes to romance, much less an interracial romance; b) it sets up a real sweet theme of realizing they actually DONT know that much about each other’s culture or biology or anything related to their race, and the romance is staged to give them each time to do research on the other’s biology and anatomy (which is practical and common courtesy and the right thing to do! and also a little sweet when you consider how terrified garrus is of screwing it up!), c) however it started, whether facetiously or nervously or enthusiastically, these two are still able to have a nice moment together and acknowledge there are feelings between them that can (and if you ask me, do) still go unsaid. and in me3, we see them both (or at least garrus) in a bit more emotionally stable situation, maybe driven by a desire to see something go right in the middle of the war, so we establish a) garrus is still nervous and treading cautiously, but b) confident enough to prepare for a reunion, to articulate his questions about their relationship, to let shepard know he’s there for them regardless, and c) if you confirm the relationship, shepard and garrus can tease each other as friends and work together as soldiers and still have a supportive emotional/intimate partnership in their private time.

i just think you can have all of these angles to their relationship without the current get-together. imo you lose a lot of possible development and depth when you start all of this by having shepard walk in and say “heyyyyyyy let’s you and me ‘‘‘ease some tension’’’ together ;) :) ;) do you see me winking”, like.... how does a commanding officer say that to another adult they respect and (possibly) genuinely like, idk. it seemed like such a lazy way for the writers to get them into bed together without considering who these people are. and yeah, every shepard’s different, it’s possible someone found that very ic for their shepard. personally i’ve always been more of a fan of piecing together canon clues to tell me who the pc is and extrapolating an oc from there, and what most of canon tells me, is that shepard is someone who prioritizes duty (either to the alliance, or to saving innocents, or to just getting the job done) above nearly all else, including their own personal life. that doesn’t mean i don’t see shepard being an instigator or an occasional flirt. just......

bleh. is it too much to want a better get together than “let’s fuck”? idk. i feel like a whiner bc shepard/garrus is obviously the most popular pairing in the fandom, it dwarfs so many others in content and you can’t throw a stone without meeting an insufferable stan, and here i am complaining about it not being done my way. i guess i just feel like the writers listened to the fans who wanted garrus as an li from me1, but didn’t listen to why. they drew the shortest line between a and b (“they want to bone the alien? here you go, i guess!”) and left it at that.

i mean admittedly, left up to me, i’d stuff so much drawn-up pining into a canon shepard/garrus get-together that neither of them would be able to breathe through the ust. there’s a line i like in kaidan’s romance (not to hijack a shenko line for a shakarian thing, but it’s something i find so true to shepard’s character i adopt it for my shepard too, even though i don’t romance kaidan and save ashley) when shepard tells kaidan in the moment that she needs a shoulder, not a subordinate, and kaidan says “cut me a little slack, shepard, it’s not like you’re easy to read.” that is how i tend to play and read shepard: as someone who is emotionally available for their crew but plays things close to the vest with their own feelings. paired up with garrus, who is a better turian than he thinks and is pretty goal-oriented and professional under shepard’s command, it’s hard for me to believe these two would just fall into bed with each other after only one or two conversations of known build-up (stressing “known” here is as “acknowledged feelings” but could also be notable ust, which is my hc). in my reading, these two are much better at reading others (c-sec and officer training) than themselves, and one could argue are duty-driven enough to maybe not even bring up/realize their attraction until me3 (why couldn’t garrus have been an li in me3 for new romances or mshep!!!! who tf knows!!!!!)

all those times femshepard tells garrus she loves him in me3? not really my shepard’s style..... how’s an earthborn kid who’s been a marine all their adult life and never had a family or serious relationship know how to recognize and admit love out loud? garrus himself doesn’t tell shepard he loves them till the beam run, and even then, he barely whispers it. i have to turn my freaking speakers up just to hear him. it’s hard for him to say out loud. maybe turians have different language for it, or maybe there’s a stigma, or maybe the culture’s different. i dunno! but i keep thinking about the impact it would’ve had for that to be the first time shepard says it, too. like they’ve just realized it and want to get it out because they know it’s the end. or you could get away with not saying it at all, if you pick the renegade option. or you could have them try to say it and fail! come on, isn’t that sadder?

shepard wants to say -- she doesn’t know what she wants to say. whatever great emotion she’s been holding back since that night in her cabin is stuck in her throat and refuses to form. the bay door can’t remain open for long. garrus’s skull is caked with dark blue blood, his leg bent awfully, and shepard sees a sharp, snapped edge to his armor where his spur used to be. he should be in the med bay. he needs medical attention more than he needs to be wasting time saying goodbyes.

but he won’t go, he refuses, he won’t leave her be. “shepard -- i’m still good. just give me my gun. i can still fight.” blood dribbles into his eye from a crack in his forehead. he’s crouching so low to stand that he nearly meets her height. she’s never heard him plead before.

“vakarian -- ” her voice is hoarse when she talks; her throat burns. she’s been shouting all day. she’s surprised she can still talk at all. “don’t make me give you an order.”

“that’s not fair.” he laughs desperately, a bit disbelieving. half of his visor is dangling, interface dead; his armor scorched and chipped across the carapace; and his eyes, still, are locked on hers. “don’t -- shepard. please.” she’s ever heard him plead before.

“shepard,” tali says quietly under garrus’s arm. her helmet is cracked, badly, suit ruptured in a dozen places. but shepard hasn’t heard a single complaint from her, from either of them, and she realizes in this moment that she can’t let them go on. if they followed her, they’d follow her through hell again, follow her until they dropped, and she cannot abide by that.

“we’re in this -- ” garrus coughs, badly. fresh dark blood spits up from his throat; spots hit shepard’s chestpiece. his eyes water. “we’re in this ‘till the end. shepard.”

she’s never pleaded in her life either; she will not start now. “i need.” her voice is too hoarse, too quiet; he can’t hear her over the roar of the thrusters. she swallows, tries again. “i need to know people are getting out of this alive. i need you to be one of them.” to tali: “both of you.”

garrus stares at her, lost for words. “shepard,” he whispers. he looks prepared to say something great, and she readies herself for another argument -- but then she sees the moment the fight leaves his eyes, the moment lays down his gun, and she hates herself for being relieved. “just,” he says, “make sure that includes you too.”

harbinger roars in the distance; she glances to the great white beam heading their way, then back to the bleeding pair of them, waving firmly toward the ship as she moves off the gangplank. “go! tali -- take care of him!”

she realizes belatedly that those will be logged as her final words, and the last he’ll remember her by. and then he’s gone, and so is the normandy. the moment is over and she’s missed her chance. she thinks, garrus will understand. he couldn’t say it either.

i mean that’s garbage but i like it better than shepard dropping the l-word in every romance scene! fuck! i just want a little nuance ok leave me alone

#megan talks about bw

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incorrectly-quoted-queers · 4 years

Text

Drunk Punch Love: Chapter 10

Pairing: FemShep and Garrus Vakarian (Shakarian)

Rating: PG-13 (with some tossed F-bombs)

Summary: Their awkward, badass journey through saving the galaxy and accidentally falling in love

Chapter 10: Goodbye

It all started with Joker making a toast. "You may have a serious justice boner going on, and sometimes I think you need to get that stick outta your ass, but I'm still gonna miss you, Garrus. The Normandy won't be the same without the dynamic duo annoying us all to hell."

Garrus laughed, but seemed perplexed. "Dynamic duo?"

"Yeah, you and Shep, shooting shit and making us watch, or dragging us across the galaxy on crusades, or ditching us all to go be broody leader types or whatever. She's going to be irritating without you around to distract her."

Anya wasn't sure she could take anymore of Joker's ramblings, especially when every two sentences he kept on throwing her winks. Joker on a buzz was not nearly as funny or clever as he thought he was. Standing up, she stopped the circus act. "Okay, let's take the glass away from our pilot and sit him the hell down."

Kaidan took said glass and stood next to Joker. "Aye, aye, ma'am."

With a glare, Anya sat back down and crossed her arms. "Oh god dammit, don't ma'am me."

Speaking up like the unhelpful asshole he was, Garrus just smirked at her. "I don't know, Shepard, you could pass for a ma'am."

"That's it, everyone's kicked off the ship."

Instead of feeling threatened, the three men around her just started laughing. Okay, Anya had definitely gotten too lax the past few weeks. Her subordinates didn't even take her seriously.

Before she could get snarkier, Kaidan gave her a friendly smile. "I'll get the pilot and I some water, and you two can enjoy some more time together. We don't need to have him flying drunk if the Geth show up, do we?"

As they walked out of the mess, Joker said, "I could if I had to."

Anya watched them go and couldn't kick the grin on her face. And she also watched them go because she knew if she looked back to Garrus, the pit in her stomach would form and she'd have to deal with those feelings again.

For days, ever since Liara left, she'd been sitting with a wad of uncertainty and guilt in her gut. Because the compassionate, almost infuriatingly psychic asari said as parting advice: "If you really don't want people to go, you have to tell them".

Safe to say, that wasn't very helpful with her current situation.

Sure, she wanted Garrus to stay. That was the only personal, selfish thing she'd wanted in a long time. But how she could stop him? The galaxy was in danger, and he'd... Well, she said it before. Damn turian would make a great Spectre. He wanted to make things better, which was exactly what she was fighting for. How could she stop him just because she wanted to stay that "dynamic duo"?

So, despite Liara's ominous and unhelpful advice, she looked back at Garrus and smiled like a friend. Because a friend was ready to support his aspirations wherever they took him and that's what he deserved.

Running a hand through her hair, she broke it out of the very loose and limp ponytail it was in. Anya just kept her gaze trained on his blue eyes, trying to memorize the pleasant way he was looking at her right now, with all his hopes and dreams ahead of him. She needed to remember that. "So how does it feel, being on your last mission on the Normandy?"

After Anya asked, Garrus started drumming his fingers against the table, this far off look in his eyes. "Surreal. When I first joined up with you, I thought I was crazy for trading C-Sec for an Alliance ship. I wanted to stop Saren, but I still didn't know much about humans. But now that I'm leaving..." He shook his head and downed his drink. "My world won't be the same without you- all of you."

"I know how you feel. I thought the Normandy never could feel like home without Anderson, but we made it our home again. I'm sure you'll fit in great with the Spectre program. Give me some tips they never gave me, will ya? I didn't exactly get the formal training."

He laughed, the sad kind that when it ended, it felt like an end to something greater. "Definitely. I can't wait to be able to teach you a thing or two."

"You already have. Needed some of those sniper lessons you gave me. Saved us from those damned geth turrets on The Citadel."

"You were a fine enough sniper already. Anyway, all the things you can do with a pistol terrify me."

"Yeah, but I was better because of you." Shepard sucked in a breath, knew she was getting a little too close to her own wayward feelings. "We're going to miss you, Garrus."

"Me, too." After a moment, he gave her a serious look and said, "Shepard, I-"

Anya reached across the table and touched his hand, shaking her head. She needed him to be sure and confident, because she wasn't. "Don't doubt yourself. It's about time you got out of my overinflated shadow. You're the best shot I know, the best soldier I know. You deserve more than that."

"I wasn't going to say that." Garrus turned his talons under her hand, held it like it was liable to break. Anya didn't know what that meant, but she didn't want him to let go. "I was going to say that being in your shadow has been an honor. And I loved every minute of it."

Feeling her whole heart collapse, turn into a concave hole in her chest, Anya pulled her hands away from his and held it in her lap. They started to shake; she wished they wouldn't. All that resolve she'd been proud of was crumbling into dust on her fingertips. "Don't say things like that when I have to say goodbye to you."

Garrus walked around the table and sat down in the chair next to her. It was like the air filled with lightning, and from it she could tell the slow, steady pace of his breathing. She'd been keeping up her composure the past 10 days, all she needed was to get through this simple scouting mission, send him off where he belonged, and-

But then he took her hand out from under the table and held it. "Everyone's been leaving on their own missions, and you still have Joker and Kaidan. I'm no different."

When he said that, her head jolted up and she was staring into his eyes. Anya wanted to always see his eyes. He was trying to mend her, she could tell, but she didn't want to be mended. She was a broken human and that was okay; she could live with it.

With each passing second, though, she wasn't sure she anymore if she was a broken human who could live without him. Anya tried to sound as in control as possible, and said, "Don't say that, Garrus. You know you've always been different." His eyes filled with this far off mix of concern and friendship and maybe even pity, but she didn't want to see it. She couldn't stand it anymore. "I didn't want anyone to go, but of course you're the hardest one to lose. I can't picture my world where you're not always interrupting it and reminding me to be human." Anya's mouth just kept going, and she couldn't stop it. She was leaning in close to him and it was like a drug; she was just as intoxicated as that first, fateful night. "Until that bar on Noveria with you, I think I stopped knowing if I was human at all. I can still be Commander Shepard alone, but until you I hadn't been Anya in years. I'm so afraid of losing who I am again. Garrus, I-"

And just as his forehead dipped to press against hers, and she was finally feeling some sort of strength in the out-of-control emotions she'd been spewing, the ship quaked and threw her and Garrus out of their chairs.

And then Joker was yelling over the intercom that they were under attack, the room shook, electronics exploded, and everything was on fire.

Garrus helped pull her up and the moment was gone; they were soldiers again, and they had a ship to save.

By instinct alone, she and Garrus put on their helmets and started ushering people to the escape pods. Shepard was talking to Joker and trying to assess the damage. Apparently it was an unknown vessel, shooting a giant, ship-destroying laser. They'd been hit once, and all they needed was one more hit to have the Normandy collapse in on them. Joker was doing everything he could at the helm to keep them running.

But Shepard was acutely aware this could finally be it; they could all die.

And looking at Garrus, brave and full of promise, she couldn't fucking bear it.

Walking over to him as he got the last nearby crewman onto the ship, a sleepy and frazzled Dr. Chakwas, she grabbed his suit. "Do one more quick look for other survivors, and then you get my people out of here."

"Shepard, I'm not leaving you."

Kaidan suddenly was next to them, holding a wounded helmsman. "We've gotten a lot of people out, but there's one problem: Joker's refusing to leave the ship."

"Idiot." Anya cursed and made up her mind. "Alenko, Vakarian, get these people out. I'll find Joker and send anyone else I might find toward escape pods."

As she tried to pull away, Garrus grabbed her arm. He held on like he was holding her life in her hands, but right now she didn't have time for the sentimentality of that. "And what about you? I won't let you go alone."

Her heart was racing and there was this foreign, deep-seeded, ominous fear taking hold of her. But she grabbed the edge of his helmet, pulled it forward to touch hers, and then shoved his hand off her. No matter how much she wanted to keep that voice by her side, now was not the time to ask him to stay.

To make sure he stayed alive, she had to let him go. "I'll find you. Now, that was an order. Go."

Though Garrus stood there for a moment, watching her run off towards the stairs, she eventually saw him grab two more crew members, toss them into the shuttle and, just as she was losing sight of them, hit eject.

If this really was the end, at least she'd made sure he made it out.

Now, she had a shitty younger cousin of a pilot to save.

When she made it to the command deck, the central hub was completely spaced. The ceiling hull was ripped open and all that was left was the floor walking up to the cockpit. Good thing she already had her helmet on. Making sure her boots were good to \keep her attached to the dck, she started walking across the open space.

In the darkness, she could see loose debris and pieces of her Normandy flying away. Worse, she could even see a few people. Anya kept down the vomit, watching Pressley's body float away.

Old man was a difficult officer, but he was a good one. And despite his prejudices, he was willing to learn to be better.

And now he was gone.

Walking forward to Joker, she had to assume he was there. She couldn't stand the thought of losing her ship, her crew, and him, too. Not after all they'd been through.

Finally, after what felt like eons, she stepped into the air pocket of what was left of the helm. Joker was there, slapping so many buttons and yelling into the comms like a madman. Anya couldn't even get her head straight enough to identify what he was saying.

Instead, she just grabbed a spare helmet and slapped it on his head. He said, "I'm not leaving her!"

Grabbing his shoulder and pulling him from the pilot's seat, she didn't care if she broke a bone. She wasn't losing him like this. "We're going. Now."

But just as she turned towards the last escape hatch, to the right of Joker's seat, she felt the ship beneath them crack. No. Dragging him along, she ran towards the door and opened it, throwing his ass in.

And before he could yell more, or she could get in, the ship broke underneath her. Anya knew her choices here: eject the pod and save Joker, or kill them both trying to get herself in.

So, watching the anguish in her friend's eyes, she slammed her fist on the eject button. And after his pod flew off and away from the ship, the Normandy buckled and shattered, a broken vessel that she used to call home.

Another jolt, and Shepard was thrown from the panel, hurtling through space. She could see them, though, the pods flying out in the other direction. At least a good chunk of her crew should make it, including Joker, Kaidan, Chakwas, and Garrus.

That was what mattered.

Anya could feel tears running down her face, with that final piece of solace. Finally her time came, where she was the one left behind and everyone else survived. She'd made it out alive so many missions, it was about time it happened. And if it meant they all lived, that was okay. It had to be okay. They could save the galaxy without her.

It would've been a slow death, if just then her helmet hadn't knocked into some heavy duty debris. She could suddenly feel the oxygen in her suit rushing out at a breakneck pace. Her hands were grasping, trying to cover the hole, even though it didn't matter. Her chest felt like it was getting vacuum suctioned out and the faster the air went, the faster her thoughts did, too.

At least she saved Joker. At least she told Garrus how she felt. At least she inspired all of them to save the galaxy, to become better heroes than she could ever be. At least...

And then everything faded to black.

///

This is the end of Part 1! (AKA Mass Effect 1). We will take a little detour for a few chapters into INTERMISSION: Archangel, but then we'll be back with part 2 shortly :)

Thanks so much for reading, and double thanks to my lovely patrons:

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#Drunk Punch Love #Shakarian #femshep x garrus #Garrus Vakarian #Anya Shepard #Joker #Collectors #Alchera #Kaidan Alenko #bioware romances #mass effect fanfiction #mass effect #fanfiction

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incorrectly-quoted-queers · 4 years

Text

Drunk Punch Love- Chapter 5

Pairing: FemShep and Garrus Vakarian (Shakarian)

Rating: PG-13 (with some tossed F-bombs)

Summary: Their awkward, badass journey through saving the galaxy and accidentally falling in love

Chapter 5: A Grave on Virmire

But not like this.

Standing on that bridge, all she could see was Akuze all over again. Swatches of blood and teeth streaked across her vision and before she knew it, all her friends were dead. It couldn't be happening again. She couldn't let it happen again.

Next to her, Tali laid a gentle hand on her arm and said, "Shepard?"

That's when Anya had to remind herself that these friends weren't dead, not yet. And she had to make a choice. A horrible choice, but making no choice would be worse. But she didn't want to make her friend a hero like this.

Ashley was protecting a bomb that would go off with or without her. Kaidan had a whole team with him, and they'd risked their lives to make sure her part of the mission was successful. Furthermore, they had intel on Saren and the Geth that could be invaluable to the war that might be coming. By the numbers, there was only one choice.

It didn't mean she didn't feel like total bullshit about it. After all her promises, and Shepard had to fail her. Taking a deep breath, Anya said, "Ash, I'm-"

"Don't sweat it, Commander. Save them. I would."

There was so much more Anya wanted to say, to apologize for, to get a proper goodbye with her friend. But then Kaidan and Kirrahe were on the other line screaming for help and she had to go, or they'd die, too.

As she started to run away from the bomb site, she yelled into her comms, "You're one of the best damn soldiers I ever met, Ashley Williams."

"Thanks, Shep."

Before she cut her own comms off, she added. "Give 'em hell." Because she didn't know what else to say.

After that, everything was so blurry. Her blood was practically boiling, shooting at Saren. He was the reason all of this was happening. He killed Nihlus. He killed Benezia. He killed Ashley. And he didn't give a damn.

Well, Anya was going to make sure that her pistol to the back of his skull would change that.

But then the coward ran off with his Geth the second he realized she was putting real dents in him. Wrex had to hold her back from trying to throw herself at their ship, but for thirty seconds, he helped her smash every collapsed Geth left on the platform. That is, until Joker showed up with the Normandy. Then Wrex and Tali dragged her towards the ship because Virmire was blowing up.

Shepard didn't mean to kick or scream when they did it. Smashing robot heads was all she had when she couldn't go back and get Ash. And being pulled onto the Normandy made it real and she didn't want that.

She always hated that her Commander's choices helped let her live while everyone else ended up dead. And now she did the same damn thing to someone who looked just like the patriotic soldier she used to be. Anya wasn't sure what that meant about who she'd become, and she definitely wasn't proud of it. But, duty called, right?

When she got in the Normandy's cockpit with everyone else, all she wanted to do was curl up on the ground and cry. But the second she glanced at her team? Wrex was destitute and looked ready to storm off, Liara was tending to Kaidan's arm wound and they were holding each other, Tali was sitting close to Joker at the front console. And Garrus? He was leaning against the wall, staring into the corner.

She got her freedom to let loose down there. Now that they could all breathe and realize what they'd lost, it was time for her to step the fuck up and be the Commander.

As the Normandy soared up into the sky, she could see the complex slowly exploding below them. And it made it harder to watch, knowing that they were seeing Ash blow up, too. Kinda ruined any real feelings of victory. But she couldn't stand letting them walk away feeling empty. Before anyone could leave, Anya spoke to her crew. "We've just lost good people down on that planet. And now we're chasing down Saren to save the galaxy. Take the little time we have to grieve, but then be ready to give 'em hell when we get there. For Ash."

People nodded around her. No one cheered or anything, but it seemed to take a weight off their shoulders. After all, with one speech she took some of their pain and made it hers. It was what a good commander did. As each of them walked past her, she patted shoulders and said as many positives as she could.

She wanted to cry, too, but she didn't have the time for it. The least she could do was alleviate their suffering and guilt.

Once everyone else walked by her, all that was left in that narrow hallway was her and Garrus. He brought his brooding next to her and said, "You don't have to keep up that face with me. I want to help you carry the burden, remember?"

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I have to let you."

"I know Ash meant a lot to you. You have a soft spot for headstrong soldiers who don't always do what they're told. Wonder why."

Anya laughed, but it hurt on the way down. "Can it, Vakarian."

"At least I got you to laugh."

Looking up at him, Anya could see how desperate he was to help her. But right now wasn't a time she could let him. "Honestly? If I stop focusing on Saren and actually talk about what I'm feeling, I'll start crying or screaming. And I don't know how long it'll take me to stop. So if you're really feeling like doing the emotional baggage stuff, buy me a drink after this and I'll cry for you."

"I thought we weren't doing drunk again."

Anya scoffed, remembering herself falling all over him. "I'd rather deal with being a drunken embarrassment than keeping all this bottled up inside. Losing Ash is just too... And you could say I don't need alcohol for that, but if I'm gonna be honest I don't know if I can let go without it."

"Shepard-"

"Yeah, I know. Sounds pathetic."

"No. Sounds like a lot of pain." His put his arm around her and squeezed her shoulder. It was more comfort than she'd like to admit. "You know what? If it helps, I'll risk the booze again, too."

"Now we just have to make it outta here alive."

"For a chance to know all your dirty secrets and regrets? I'll shoot Saren myself. Granted, I would do that anyway. Always was one to go for the killshot." Garrus walked off, but for the rest of the night he seemed to keep an eye out for her, while the crew had dinner and avoided the pain of losing Ash. In some ways, it was endearing. In others, exhausting.

After all, she wasn't supposed to be thinking about him too much. That was the rule here. Anya was kinda breaking it when she couldn't stop thinking about going to a quiet place and just letting him hold her so tightly that her painful thoughts might have time to shut up.

So, she almost felt relieved when she got back to her room. Sure, she was just pouring over all the intel she could and it wasn't relaxing at all, but it was better than having to be strong. The night had been long and it was just nice to be alone, frown, and do what she needed to do to be prepared for tomorrow.

The fate of the galaxy could change tomorrow. No pressure or anything.

By morning she'd be facing off with Saren on a Prothean world, Ilos, trying to stall these so-called Reapers wanting to destroy the galaxy. It all sounded like an insane nightmare cooked up as "The worst case scenario threat to happen on the first day of Spectres".

Well, Anya Shepard had all the luck, didn't she?

After an hour or two, she couldn't learn anything else from their tactical plans or the geographical readings, so she was just stuck sitting there and waiting. She probably shouldn't be, though. If anything, Anya should be getting some rest.

But hard to get some rest when you know you buried your friend a few hours ago and didn't have the time to fall the fuck apart about it. Ash was someone who deserved for Anya to lose all her shit when grieving.

She could still remember picking her up on Eden Prime, and how elastic and eager she was to join up, to stop the bad guys. Ashley had an opinionated bite to her, but she was still a soldier who wanted to do good things. Garrus was right. She reminded Anya of the person she used to be before the suicide missions started.

Only a few minutes into thinking about Ash, Anya was regretting it. Well, she didn't regret it. But she knew there was only so much thinking and pushing she could do before tonight was about Ash, not prepping herself for Saren.

And it was bullshit that she had to push thoughts of Ash away, but the state of the galaxy was bullshit right now, and so was the fact that she was hunting down a person who was supposed to help save it.

So, instead she just was staring up at her ceiling, shoving the memory of Ash's face away, trying to picture an ending where every other member of this crew was safe and everything wasn't in peril anymore.

But just as she was starting to do a damn good job at keeping the fatalism away, there was a knock at her door. Considering the lateness, Anya was a little perplexed. All of her people were supposed to be asleep.

Opening the door, the metal slid open to show a messy haired Kaidan Alenko with shaky hands. Anya didn't even know what to say. Her neurons fried and fused the second his brown eyes met hers, looking desperate. "Shepard. I- I was wondering if we could talk."

Her hands were still at her side; she could barely move a molecule. Seeing him like this came out of left field. If anyone checked on her tonight, she would've assumed it would be-

Well, maybe it was about time she stopped assuming things. She assumed she was going to be Ash's mentor, and look how that worked out.

After a moment of staring at him like she just got a shot of nerve poison, Anya nodded, her loose hair shaking around her face, trying to be less on edge. He could just be here as a friend, right? Maybe he just needed a pep talk. "Yeah, sure. Come in."

Kaidan walked past her like he was afraid to touch her, and Shepard hoped to take that as a good sign. She shut the door behind him and asked, "The mission get to your nerves?"

Her handsome lieutenant chuckled and turned back to look at her with this uncertain smile. "You could say that." Before Anya could get in another word, Kaidan stepped towards her and the mood of the conversation started changing. It got intimate. And she didn't like it. "It's all just so much. Saren, the Geth, Reapers... I knew when I joined the Alliance that things would be dangerous and I was proud to be apart of it. But now we've lost Ash, and now there's... I just can't wrap my head around the fact this might be the last night I'm alive. Or the last night I ever have a chance to tell you how I feel."

Suddenly, Anya felt suffocated. Kaidan had proverbial hearts in her eyes and she wanted to scream. She cared so much about him and she couldn't stand putting him in a bad headspace right before Ilos, but this couldn't be happening. He couldn't be stepping towards her and looking so in love when the only person she even sort of wanted to see tonight was not him.

Hell, even if Garrus Vakarian never walked into her life and made it more confusing, she still wouldn't want this.

"Shep- Anya. I just want to-" And then Kaidan did the unthinkable. He closed the space between them, went to grab her waist, and tried to pull her in for a kiss. Her entire body recoiled and, before she could try to let him down gently, her fist let him down very, very heavily.

When her hand collided with his face, Kaidan fell to the floor. Anya felt instant regret. Reaching for his hand, he just looked up at her with this gaping horror. It made her feel like more of a monster than she already felt today. "Kaidan, I'm sorry. I just..." He stood up on his own and looked like he'd been betrayed. "I don't see you that way."

"But you always came to see me-"

Anya wanted to be kind, but she was so frustrated and over all of this. She'd been tiptoeing around her own ship for weeks. "I came to see everyone. I should've told you to back off sooner, I know, but I wanted to focus on this mission. I never thought it would get to this point." She pressed her face into her hands and then added, "For christ's sake, Alenko, I'm your CO, how did you think showing up to my room would go? The fate of the galaxy is at hand. I care a lot about you, but this... I should've put you in line before, but I have to do it now."

Kaidan rubbed his jaw, but there were no marks forming. Luckily the punch was a surprise to Anya herself. It wasn't a very good one. "I get it. I'm an idiot. Sorry for bothering you."

Before he could pass by her, Anya grabbed his arm and met his brown eyes. "Just because I don't feel that way doesn't mean I want you getting hurt tomorrow. Remember that."

"On your order, Commander." Then he pulled himself out of her grasp and left the room. Shepard just watched him go and kept staring in that direction long after he left. The whole thing was so surreal.

Fuck.

As much as Anya just wanted to get her head straight and remember her priorities, her thoughts were swimming. Left alone, all she'd have was Kaidan's face plastered in her mind all night. She couldn't do that for hours, just worry about what she'd done to him.

Christ, who the fuck invented romance, anyway? It was bullshit.

What she needed right now was a distraction. And not just any, but a goddamn friend.

Anya knew who she wanted to be with right now, but she didn't know if it was a good idea. But if there was no booze and all she wanted was a friend tonight anyway, what could the harm be?

Getting on her datapad, she sent GV a message. Can't sleep. Cards in my room?

When she started to put her pad down, she didn't expect it to vibrate with a response back before she could even put it away. Me neither. Be there in a sec.

While Anya couldn't ignore the butterflies in her stomach, she realized they didn't really matter right now. Well, they mattered. They still were doing a Russian ballet all across her stomach lining.

But what mattered was this night was shit, and despite all her platitudes she was terrified, and her best friend was going to come over and make it better. That, or at least help her forget for awhile.

This time, when her door pinged at her, she opened it with a relieved smile. And there he was, tall shoulders, bright blue eyes, and all the familiarity she needed. "Need a friend for the end of the galaxy?"

Shepard nodded and welcomed him in. "Always."

Author's Note:

I always hate talking about Virmire. And I normally dislike Ash (a lot) but I gave her some cute humanity and now I’m mad cause I’m sad

Only plus side is Garrus supporting our Anya through it <3

Thanks so much for reading, and double thanks to my lovely patrons:

Danyell Jones

Amy Connolly

If you'd like to support the story, please go check out my bio for more info :) Twitter: @Steph_Marceau

#Shakarian #Drunk Punch Love #garrus vakarian #Anya Shepard #femshep x garrus #Virmire #ashley williams #kaidan alenko #ilos

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