#another fucking phone call i have to make on monday. i still haven't called the other specialist i need to see to make an appointment
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well i didn’t get my paycheck in the mail but i did get a referral notice from my doctor saying that i can expect to see an endocrinologist... in SIX. FUCKING. MONTHS.
#no. fucking. no#i can barely get out of bed on a good day. i've been feeling this way for months.#bloodwork says i HAVE hashimoto's disease. i have a family history of thyroid issues on both sides#i am NOT in acceptable health to be waiting six months. i wanna cry. maybe i will#tales from diana#another fucking phone call i have to make on monday. i still haven't called the other specialist i need to see to make an appointment#the secretary told me they'd take care of this one and schedule it for me#they said it might take until the fall#i can't wait until the fucking winter solstice#i have so much anxiety on top of all of this health shit i have barely been able to think straight this week#everything in my life is falling apart#reducing/managing stress is all they told me i can do for now (until i potentially start a treatment course)#to prevent myself from developing full-blown hypothyroidism#AND LET ME TELL YOU... CIRCUMSTANCES IN THE LAST WEEK HAVE NOT BEEN GREAT FOR THAT#i'm gonna have to drop out of society and be a recluse again at this rate. this is so discouraging#i'm not gonna be able to continue my education or pick up a steady job#luckily being a substitute teacher is super flexible but i wanna fuckin be able to pick up hours at that job#i haven't been able to work more than two fucking days a week since april#i don't leave the house to see ppl anymore bc if i so much as walk in a parking lot im unable to get up for the rest of the day#im PISSED#i do wanna cry#ok bye i can't be ranting like this anymore i wanna cry
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"Alright, spill the beans," Erwin said as he sat down on the couch, opening a beer can and crossing his legs. He could hardly contain his smile. Mike and Hange stared intensely at the shorter man. Levi had told them he had something to "share," and he hardly ever shared anything. Therefore, all attention and the floor were his.
The group of friends grew more and more curious as Levi seemed unsure, almost shy. His finger tapped his beer can uneasily as he pressed his lips together. "Fine, but don't fucking laugh."
"I can't promise you that," Hange quickly confirmed, making the other two chuckle but also agree. Levi just sighed resigned.
"Y/N… Y/N found a thong that wasn't hers among her clothes."
Erwin, who was sipping his drink, spat it out in shock at how quickly the situation escalated.
"WHAT?!" Hange tilted forward as they heard what happened while the rest looked in shock, mouths open. "You CHEATED on your 9-year-long girlfriend?!"
"No!" Levi almost shouted back. "That's what I'm trying to explain!"
It was Monday night. We had dinner after coming home, the usual routine. I was doing the dishes after she got out of the shower, and I heard her steps going down the stairs very heavily. That was the first thing that caught my attention, and before I knew it was her, still freshly showered, looking at me and pulling out a red thong, stretching it between her hands.
"Whose are these?"
My mind went automatically blank. I saw her resting her hand on her hip and frowning back at me.
"I-uh."
"Because they are not mine," she insisted, her anger palpable. I swear I was trying to speak, but I could only mumble broken shit as she stared back at me as if she was searching for my soul. "Levi Ackerman, WHOSE ARE THESE?"
"I- I don't know, I don't fucking know. I swear," I quickly replied as I blinked, trying to find a solution.
My mind started to question everything. 'I'm Levi Ackerman… I'm conscious of my actions… I haven't cheated on my girlfriend,' yet I was sweating as if I had. I had no idea whose those were. It was obvious that they weren't hers, apparently, but I've not slept with another woman in years, so I didn't even know where they could have come from. I doubted my entire existence, I began to wonder if I had been drugged and perhaps did something that I didn't recall.
The tears, when she began sobbing softly. I felt like the worst human being.
"How could you? After all these years…"
"No, no, I fucking swear," I said, growing anxious. I don't even own social media accounts; I don't have a password on my phone. I hate cheaters; I would never do something like that to her, to anyone. For a split second, I thought it would have been easier to lie and explain that it was mine somehow.
In that moment, my phone started to ring with one of the numbers I have on priorities as she began to walk up stairs. I rushed to pick it up. "Call you later."
"Bro, everything okay?" Isabel's voice came from the speakers as she had called me on FaceTime, as she usually does. Apparently, I forgot to hang up as I was walking behind Y/N.
"Y/N, I swear on my mother that I don't know whose are those." I was trying to explain myself when Isabel's voice came from the phone again.
"There they are! I was wondering where I left them!"
"Apparently, it was from one time they all came over to my house for the pool. I must have put it in the laundry and thought they were Y/N's," Levi finished the tale as the rest looked at him surprised and entertained.
"Didn't you think they could be Isabel's?" Erwin questioned back between chuckles.
"No! How was I supposed to know a red thong was Isabel's!" Levi commented as his cheeks got slightly red.
"Levi… Isabel is 23 already…" Mike said slowly as he tried to make his friend process the idea.
"Tch," Levi took a good sip from his beer as he processed the idea. "You've no idea how fucking scared I was, and when Isabel said they were hers… fucking shit, I never breathed more peacefully in my entire life."
"That happens to you because you do laundry. Since I never do laundry, I don't have those issues," Hange said entertained, but Levi looked back at the brunette dead in the eyes.
Tag list!: @nube55 @justkon @notgoodforlife @jimoonbeau @nmlkys @humanitys-strongest-bamf @quillinhand @thoreeo @darkstarlight82 @i-literally-cant-with-this @angelofthorr @aomio4 @levisbrat25 @fxnnyackerman @secretmoneybearvoid @trashblackrainbow @l3visthighs @hum4n-wr3ckag3
Wanna join my tag list? here!
#levi#levi ackerman#aot levi#attack on titan#levi x reader#captain levi#levi attack on titan#levi x you#levi ackerman x reader#levi smut#levi x y/n#levi x reader smut#levi ackerman x y/n smut#levi ackerman x reader smut#levi ackerman smut#levi ackerman x you#levi ackerman x female reader#levi ackerman x female!reader#attack on titan levi#attack on titan smut#aot x female reader#aot x reader#aot x y/n#aot x you#attack on titan x reader#Snk#levi snk#snk levi
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Fuck It, It's Fine
February 2025, Monaco
1 week to the first 2024 car reveal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Émilie stared at her phone.
Haven't heard from you in a couple of months
But I'm out right now, and I'm all fucked up
And you're callin' my phone, you're all alone
And I'm sensin' some undertone.
She was at a bar in Monaco with her friends, having stepped over to their reserved table to get a drink when her phone started ringing.
Émilie took another sip of her drink and watched it ring.
She should have him blocked.
Like she'd done with all her other exes.
And I'm right here with all my friends
But you're sendin' me your new address
But he was also her best friend’s teammate.
She continued to stare at the phone even after he stopped calling, watching as a notification popped up.
"Everything alright Ém?" Danny asked, appearing beside her.
Émilie nodded and picked up her phone. "Yeah, just a text. I'll be back out on the floor soon."
Danny nodded and grinned at her before walking away.
She tapped on his text, watching as her phone unlocked with Face ID and opened her messages.
She'd deleted his messages right after their fight, too disgusted and angry with him to continue to see them on her phone.
And I know we're done, I know we're through
But, God, when I look at you
She should have picked a worse photo for his profile picture. But then again, Émilie wasn't the smartest person on the grid.
My brain goes, "Ah"
Can't hear my thoughts (I cannot hear my thoughts)
Like blah-blah-blah (blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah)
Plus they were sort of friends again.
Kinda.
Ish.
The confessions and hurtful words they'd exchanged still hung between them, making the air awkward any time they were left alone.
Then of course there was the night Émilie was refusing to acknowledge.
She hadn't told Elena about that just yet, not quite ready to admit that lapse in judgment out loud.
But she had told her everything else about her and Lando's fallout.
"Who are you texting?" Elena asked, carrying two shots to the table.
"An ex." Émilie copied the address he'd sent her and put it into Uber, out of curiosity.
Seein' you tonight, it's a bad idea, right?
She took another sip of her drink, waiting for the app to load.
Seein' you tonight, it's a bad idea, right?
10 minutes wasn't bad. And the Uber could be at the bar in 5. Her thumb hovered over the confirmation button.
Seein' you tonight, it's a bad idea, right?
Fuck. That night still haunted her in her weaker, lonelier moments.
Seein' you tonight, fuck it, it's fine
"Oh? Are we still pretending you don't like him?"
Émilie glanced up, rolling her eyes at her older sister's suggestive eyebrow wiggle.
"I only see him as a friend," the biggest lie I ever said
Oh, yes, I know that he's my ex, but can't two people reconnect?
"We've talked about this Lena." Emilie huffed in annoyance. "We're just friends, back to what we used to be."
Elena didn't look the least bit convinced but thankfully she didn't press further, instead holding up the shot. "Yeah, like y'all were ever just friends. Shots?"
Émilie nodded, setting her phone face down on the table, Uber temporarily ignored.
Both sisters took the shots and Émilie shook her head at the burn. Drinking Tequila wasn't a problem for Émilie having grown up with a Spanish half-sister, but shots of the alcohol always burned going down.
"I might go home early," Émilie said, raising her voice over the sudden roar of the room. Quickly she added, "I have to be in Switzerland tomorrow for little Emilie's birthday. Seb said he'd disown me if I wasn't there."
Elena nodded, "want Osc to take you home?"
Émilie shook her head and held up her phone, "I'm just gonna Uber."
Thankfully her inebriated sister took the lie at face value and gave Émilie a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
"See you on Monday, chaton, okay?"
Émilie nodded and grabbed her purse before making her way outside to wait for Uber.
She looked at her phone and sent a message to Oscar (the only other person who knew about that night.) and asked him to distract Elena and keep her off her phone until she had to fly to Milton Keynes.
She watched his text bubble appear, disappear, and reappear several times before he sent a message.
Aussie buzzkill: Yeah I got you.
Aussie buzzkill: Don't do anything stupid, please.
She hearted his messages but didn't reply since her Uber showed up.
Now I'm gettin' in the car, wreckin' all my plans
I know I should stop-, but I can't
But mostly because she was about to do something stupid.
And I told my friends I was asleep
But I never said where or in whose sheets
The shot she'd done with Elena before leaving kept her mind pleasantly quiet, letting Émilie mindlessly browse Instagram on the short drive to his apartment building.
She thanked the driver and collected her purse from the seat beside her and walked into the lobby.
And I pull up to your place, on the second floor
And you're standin', smiling at the door
She buzzed his apartment and was unsurprisingly let in immediately.
She walked down the hall to the elevator and pressed the button, taking her up to his floor.
His place was only a few doors down, the door wide open with him leaning against the doorframe waiting for her.
And I'm sure I've seen much hotter men
But I really can't remember when
Lando’s curly hair was mussed, a few stray curls hanging down against his forehead and the top two buttons of his black button down were open.
He must have been out partying too, but 1 am was an awfully early time to call it quits.
He grinned at her, that stupid, smug grin that infuriated and made her warm in all the right places.
He had a glass of something alcoholic hanging loosely from his hand, which he lifted to his lips.
Seein' you tonight, it's a bad idea, right?
He was really fucking hot.
Seein' you tonight, it's a bad idea, right?
And He knew it.
Seein' you tonight, it's a bad idea, right?
"Hey, Princess. You look flustered."
Seein' you tonight, fuck it, it's fine
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A story I wrote in my best friend @fictional-babes-inc and I's Formula One dr. I might write a part 2 of what happens after.
Émilie and Elena are half-sisters and racers on the grid, Émilie races for Redbull, and Elena raced for Mercedes from 2019 until she became Émilie's race Engineer in 2023.
Émilie and Lando are the same age, but Emilie made her F1 debut in 2022.
Émilie, Logan, and Oscar are best friends, having grown up karting together.
#lando norris#ln4+ea69#lando norris x reader#oscar piastri#oscar piastri x reader#daniel ricciardo#formula 1#formula one#f1#driver!reader#mutual pining#one night stands
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Best and Worst of Both Worlds (Part 24)
Tw: Yves is fucking fuming, jealous n shit , mentions of cheating, Montgomery being touchy
VOTE BELOW GUYS ONY THE FIRST 20 VOTES COUNTS
part 25
Another day has gone by. You collapsed on your bed again, only to be woken up by Evangeline's incessant calling.
It's morning already? You groaned and kicked your legs in the air, throwing a tantrum that you couldn't sleep in.
You didn't even pick up the phone, you went straight to freshening yourself up. Not realizing that you received a missed call from Yves instead.
--
"Mx. (name), we are here!" You choked on your own snore. You must have fallen asleep in Mr. Jones's car.
You shook your head, muttering thanks as you got out of the car, all bleary and groggy. You skipped breakfast again. The extra meals Yves made all went to your housemate's bottomless pits they called stomachs. You're sure the breakfasts he prepared ahead of time were as delicious as his lunches or dinners, but you couldn't be bothered to eat them. It's not like you're starving in the morning anyway.
Mr. Jones drove off leaving you to yawn and scratch your back in peace.
But you let out a scream when a car blared its horns at you.
You turned around to see Montgomery sticking his head out of his car, holding something in his hands while the other was on his steering wheel.
"Mornin' sweetheart!" He greeted, beckoning you to come closer. "I got ya' breakfast!" He lifted up the paper bag with edible oil stains, and you stared at it.
"C'mon, baby. I ain't got all day." He waved it up and down. You took a couple steps forward and grabbed it with great hesitance.
"Have fun at school today, honey!" He reached out to pinch your cheek. Montgomery gently shook your head by the mass of flesh he was holding. You swatted his hand away, but before you could complain, Montgomery already drove off. Leaving you to eat his dust.
You noted that his car looked a lot better than it was. He had a new paint coat done and his bumper was fixed. How much did Mr. Jones give him?
You sniffed the item he gave you. It smells... greasy.
You opened it to see fried chicken and waffles, neatly wrapped in a piece of baking paper. You noted the lack of drinks, but there was $10 next to it and a note that said:
"4 ur drinks XOXO"
You grimaced, why did let the cash directly get into contact with the food? You picked it out using your thumb and your forefinger, flicking off any maple syrup before walking away.
You pulled your phone out to check the time. You're actually early for once! With half an hour to spare too.
Your eyes then widened at Yves's missed call. He didn't send any good morning texts today.
So you called back as fast as you could. It didn't take more than a few seconds before Yves picked it up. You began apologizing profusely, telling him how busy you were in the last three days.
"Of course you were." He replied, his tone was cold. "I am glad you are enjoying your time with your new... friend."
You scratched the back of your head. He's upset and you don't know what to say. You didn't have to, because Yves continued talking.
"...so much so, that you've been ignoring my texts, my calls... all in favor of Jones's daughter."
You stayed silent and so did he. There was no shuffling of papers, clinking of utensils, or busy chattering in the background. He must be standing or sitting completely still, alone in his hotel room.
That is true. You haven't seen all the pictures he sent from Monday. You remembered you promised to call back on Tuesday, but it's now Wednesday. Radio silence on your part.
You sighed and told him that you were sorry. A sense of deja vu washed over you when you asked how you could make up to him.
You heard something being poured into glassware. There were a few seconds of quietness between you two. You can hear liquid swishing around in a vessel.
You called out for Yves, asking if he's still there.
"I miss you, (name). How could you do this to me?" His voice was softer and slightly wavering.
Guilt stabbed through your chest as soon as his hurt reached your ears. You apologized once more, feeling as if the word had lost its meaning since you used it too much. You asked again, what you could do to make it okay, what could you do to make Yves forgive you.
Silence.
Then more pouring of this mysterious liquid could be heard.
You pulled it away from your ear to look at the time. Three whole minutes of no verbal exchange have elapsed.
You put it back to your ear and called his name.
"(Name), I want you to do something."
You told him, yes, you would do anything.
"Answer my calls, please." You agreed and promised him that you would do that. However, he cut you off mid-sentence.
"I loved hearing you speak about your thoughts. I was heartbroken and bitter beyond belief when you took that pleasure away from me and gave it to Jones's daughter." Yves's voice wasn't raised, but you could hear the venom dripping from it when he referred to Evangeline.
You gave into your reflex to defend yourself, saying that you have a life here, you're swamped by schoolwork, and numerous other changes in your life. So you didn't have enough time or energy to spare telling him all the details.
"Must I remind you that I do not take too kindly to disloyalty? I only have eyes for you, (name). But it seems like you have eyes for someone else."
You let out a gasp and panicked. You assured him that there wasn't anything going on between you and her. She's just your friend, well your only friend so far. You just didn't want to bore her away!
He hummed in response, ominously. You felt like you were in a block of ice, You have never heard Yves sounding this steely.
You were speechless. Yves has nothing to say, but he still wants to be on the phone with you.
"Hello, (Name)!" You inhaled sharply when you saw Evangeline cheerfully greeting you. Her voice is loud enough for Yves to pick up.
He did not say a word, instead, opting to wait and see what you would do for him.
You froze, alternating your gaze between her and the floor and the sky. She looked confused as to why you were freaking out right before her very eyes.
"Is that Sir Yves?" She asked loudly. You pressed your finger to your lips, gesturing her to be silent.
"Is he mad at you, (name)?" This girl cannot read the room! You mouthed at her to go away for a while, you need some privacy with Yves.
"I could talk to him if you want. I'd say I'm a good mediator myself." She smiled and tilted her head to the side.
You looked at the screen. It's deathly quiet, you thought maybe he hung up and you could deal with him later at home. But to your dismay, the call is still going.
"Hi, Sir Yves! This is Evangeline, how was your day?" She tried speaking into the phone, but you pushed her away and said that it wasn't an appropriate course of action.
You took a couple of steps away from her and pressed the phone back to your ear. Yves did not respond to Evangeline's polite yet strange behavior.
You gulped and asked him if he wanted to talk to Evangeline.
"(Name)." He finally spoke. You responded with a 'yes'?
"I want you to think about this from my perspective."
You waited for a few seconds for his next instruction or piece of wisdom.
"Reflect on all the things you did or did not do for me since Monday." Yves gave you a minute to let his words sink into your psyche.
You fidgeted in place uncomfortably, you were definitely neglecting him although he did everything he could to ensure your well-being was taken care of, even if he was a whole continent away from you.
"(name)." He demanded for your attention again. You ensured he knows that you're giving it to him now.
"Think about the reasons behind your recent behavior."
Evangeline. Mostly. You felt the need to please her as your only friend. But your exhaustion was due to Montgomery's antics.
"Think about how I must have felt." You felt the shame sear through your entire being. Yves must have felt betrayed by you. To the point that he thinks you're cheating on him with Evangeline.
You let an apology slip your lips once more. But Yves ignored it and proceeded with his lecture.
"Now, base your answer on what you have gathered." There was a beat of silence.
"Do you think I have any desire to speak to her?" Some hostile inflections within that sentence sent shudders throughout your body. You should choose your words very carefully.
You took a few moments to think over the facts before replying to Yves.
#yandere#yandere x reader#yandere oc#yandere x you#tw yandere#oc yves#yandere oc x reader#yandere concept#male yandere oc x reader#yandere male#oc montgomery#oc evangeline
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More Shitty Life Updates
TLDR for those who wanna know but don't wanna read the whole thing: Mum forced me to reveal trauma that I wasn't ready to share, followed by getting Sciatica then being made redundant the next day. In pain, need money, you know where this is going.
The whole thing: I've been struggling a bit (okay, a lot) more than usual over the past week or so, yet again I've had quite a few negative life events one after the other. I am in the process of getting help for everything happening right now, I'm doing all I can to take care of both my mental and physical health.
Last Monday Mum realised my mental health has been getting worse again and refused to leave me alone until I told her what was going on. She kept badgering me for information and making up random accusations about what could have happened. She also kept sneaking into my old bedroom and looking through my belongings to try and find... fuck knows what honestly.
I've recently started delving into a past trauma with my counsellor that I'm not ready to share yet with anyone, let alone my mum, I will not be elaborating on it any further than this. Eventually it got to the point where I was forced to tell her, she cycled between being disgusted, accusing me of making things up, getting mad at me, and attempting to be supportive for a couple days. Frankly I feel violated as hell and it made my mental health nosedive even further.
By Wednesday morning I suddenly started getting shooting pains from my lower back going all the way down my right leg. It got to the point where I collapsed from the pain and had to be sent home from the office early. It took hours getting bounced back and forth between 111, the GP surgery, and out of hours care. Eventually they diagnosed me with Sciatica and managed to arrange for me to pick up some prescription painkillers the next day. The pain is nowhere near as bad as it was last week but I'm struggling to walk because of it and I haven't been outside in days.
The nail in the coffin came on Thursday morning when one of my bosses called to check up on me. He let me know that at the start of the week three of the staff had a meeting where they agreed that when my probation period finished at the end of October they were gonna let me go because they've decided my position at the company isn't what they need right now. Since I had to go off sick from the Sciatica they said they'd instead just make me redundant now.
It really came out of the blue, especially as I've been uncovering a lot of marketing, commerce, and general technical issues since I've been employed there and there's definitely no shortage of work for me to do. My mum is convinced they're lying and don't want me because of my health issues but there's no way of proving that. It does mean that I'm unemployed again and need to go through a few meetings with Universal Credit who will want me to get a new job ASAP regardless of my health.
So yeah, right now I feel like garbage. I've got help from one of my friends to sort out the UC stuff, particularly with proving my health issues. I'm still waiting to find out what I'm getting paid for work this month, since the phone call last Thursday no one has reached out to me to discuss pay or handing over tasks or logins. When the Sciatica isn't affecting my mobility anymore I'll be able to start reaching out to my contacts again and get help with job hunting and networking.
As usual all this means I'll probably be cycling between being ghostly silent or desperately looking for comfort content. Hopefully it's not gonna take another half a year to find a new job but if anyone is able to please donate on Ko-Fi or buy something off Redbubble or Ebay (the latter is UK only right now). Etsy is still pretty barren as things got kinda manic while I was setting it up but it should be properly up and running soon now I have a lot of time to spare again. I feel crappy to have to keep doing this but please do help if you're able to!
#update#ronnie rambles#unemployment#sciatica#health problems#trauma#ko fi#ebay#redbubble#etsy#donate#donate if you can#please donate#donations
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Continued.. December 3, 23
I honestly barley remember the rest of this at this point, my mind was so... exhausted. I wasn't ready to have another fight nor did I want to make any more issues. I just know we tried to talk about it, I know how I was in the wrong & that's the problem, I should have just shut up from there on. Instead I tried to explain how it was hard being in that situation because when he's upset, he doesn't want to talk, which usually meant he would give me the silent treatment which was always an incredibly hard place to be in, or depending on where we were, he would walk out. ... then followed by the silent treatment. So I knew & could feel it coming. I remember talking about understanding & validating that he wasn't happy about the situation but he said he had to deal with it because we weren't infact dating & I was allowed to do what I wanted but he clearly wasn't happy.
We sat in silence for most of the meal. I cried when we got the truck because he raised his voice again. I just knew at that point it wasn't going to work again. I lost hope. I didn't tell him that, I couldn't speak honestly. & I completely understand how he said if we were to work again that we would have to start over, completely fresh & neither of us could hold anything against each other. I understood that. Doesn't mean it was easy, especially when all I know was how he acted when those times came & I got trigger and scared. Idk what I wanted but he drove me home. He wasn’t happy & neither was I, I was crying. Idk what I wanted but I think I wished to be able to be in each others presence at least & talk it out. He was always just so difficult when he was angry because he couldn’t deal with it, so he’d walk out & take at least 24 hours if not more to get over it & that’s the worse time for me, that’s when I need to be close or try to fix things. I went thrifting with Amber then to her place. We had a really great evening & had a paint night & just really enjoyed each others time, I needed it no matter how much I wanted to lock myself in my room. She got us best friend socks for our friendiversary, I seriously love that girl. She’s so on my level. I’m literally the most blessed to have her. I didn’t hear from Zack that night which just stung a little more so I texted him saying I hope he had a good night. Still didn’t hear from him the next morning till the mid afternoon after I texted him again. Essentially tried to apologize & take responsibility but he was still baffled on how we fought which really didn't seem that big. We didn't really talk much that day I dont think.
Went to work monday which I dont think we talked much either he said he wanted to see me before he went to work but he was still heated when I called him after work because I had said it wasn't fair I was still getting the silent treatment from him & hard to make plans with him when he didn't text me back. Anyway that turned into a massive phone call fight were he told me how crazy I was for saying that I felt like I was in the dog house a lot & just went on & on, he was aggressive verbally. I wouldn't put it past him if he had done coke that weekend at some point too & I was getting the tail of it again. I mean he did confess after I asked him that he did do it when we went to Rics that night it all went to the shitter so I'm also still not fucking crazy because I knew. He continued to text me after we hung up & he was pretty rude again. Told me how I was a bad person & he didn't care anymore & wanted to find someone else & again saying "crazy" to imply that I'm crazy. I stopped replying. I haven't talked to him since & i'm really over it this time.
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Something of a report... or personal ramblings, whichever.
Life's been... interesting.
Going to try to make this as concise as possible.
The last time I made any kind of report was June 9th. That was the last time I had any writing progress. Since then, it's been very hectic.
Work: Just a constant battle over workload and the national project that's stressing everyone out. Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Maybe.
Writing: Nothing. I've at least started to go back and read some of my stuff to see where I am. I am hoping I can return to my project next week.
Mental Health: I'm medicated, so that's kept me even-keeled. But I am cognizant of the stress I've been under. Again, some of it is work as I try to argue with the bosses about what projects I want and do not want. So July was stressful. I had a job interview two weeks ago. Was probably the best I've ever done. I thought I gave myself a real shot. Doesn't look like it.
August, though. August. Three people close to me ended up in the hospital. Parent ended up in the psych unit (last time this happened was almost 11 years ago). My therapist remarked how calm I was about the whole thing. I said, "All this shit is amusing." But phone calls from the ER at 3 AM for medical history meant going to work on no sleep.
One of my closest and dearest friends had been in the hospital since third week of July. I found out in August. It was bad. I talked to her twice in August. The second time I just broke down cause I was convinced that was our last talk. I didn't expect her to live much longer. I don't think anyone did. So imagine my surprise when I see the caller ID on the night of September 4th (of all fucking days) and her name on it. I haven't been so scared to answer a phone. But it was her. Sounding much better. She sounds like she'll be home by Thanksgiving. I can only hope.
Her granddaughter is a fucking mess though. I've helped her out financially. Should I have? No. Did I? Yeah. But as someone said to me, "You showed that girl a kindness that no one else probably has." I was able to confirm none of the help was used for crystal meth! Yeah...
Significant other ended up in the hospital with a bad infection for a week. That led to a whole lot of drama at home.
Which has made September pretty weird. Monday, I felt like I was making improvement. Not that my mental wasn't taking a massive beat-down throughout the summer (but I do think I do have a seasonal issue as my previous therapist thought). But I started doing stuff I put on the back-burner because it was just about getting through the day most of the summer. Tuesday, I woke up with a ton of anxiety for no apparent reason.
Now: Still behind on the stuff on the back-burner, but I'm making some progress. I'm trying something new to restructure my life a bit to see if I can maintain that ever elusive consistency.
Things I need to schedule back into my life: Writing, the lesson plan my instructor gave me for something I want to learn, and exercise.
Things I'm trying: A much more rigid structure. Seemed to work at work, even though I already have a reputation as a hard worker.
Therapist and I talked about all of this. We're going to start doing another deep history dive on all of this and how they all interrelate. It's weird. Took over a year just to get through the trauma of my dad's death as a child.
But I'm still here. Whether or not that counts for something, I can look back on the last 3 months and go, "I handled all of that very differently." Did I handle it well? I think so.
Maybe that counts for something.
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I am about at my FUCKING breaking point rn. Found out yesterday The George Cat is diabetic, so my husband and I are going in this afternoon to learn how to give him twice-daily insulin injections and naturally I'm lowkey freaking out about what this will entail and whether I can ever be away from my house for more than 12 hours at a time for the rest of his life. (Luckily I'm not squeamish about needles and Georgie never even flinches when he's getting his vaccinations, so at least that's not a big worry at the moment.)
Younger kid, currently in Turkey with her Norwegian guy, is undergoing all kinds of bullshit related to the friend they were staying with, who unexpectedly altered their "stay as long as you like" invitation to "get out by the 9th," and what that all means vis a vis visas, flights, etc. Also last week they started researching what actions they'll need to take and forms they'll need to file to move towards marriage, and that made me pretty sad. It's not like she interacts much with me when she's stateside even though we live in the same house, but having her permanently on another continent will break my heart a little bit anyway.
Older kid ran their cute little 2012 hatchback over a fuckin tire in the middle of the highway on Monday night, causing a cascade of issues and headaches and dealings with insurance, and they're ping-ponging erratically between Adulting Very Well About It and then suddenly giving me the 😳 face about making a simple and crucial phone call, and I'm doing everything I possibly can to hold their hand through this because they are autistic and anxious and depressed but SO AM I goddammit. We're still working on getting it to a garage, waiting to find out if there's damage we don't yet know about that could cause the thing to be totaled, which would mean suddenly having to help them shop for a car, which is A Lot to be hit with out of nowhere.
And I'm not sleeping well and haven't been for months because I get hot flashes like every 1-2 hours all night that wake me up, and then of course lately once I'm awake I'm reminded of The Horrors, and I spent half last night just fucking SHAKING in my bed, not sure if it was from bad temperature control or terror, probably some of both.
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Hey friends!
Good news!
Tl;dr I got my Testosterone!!!
I thought you guys might want to know about the process I went through to get it because it was a hassle and a half! Before I start, I had some issues with Planned Parenthood but I am not trying in any way to condemn them. People make mistakes which is fine and I just happened to be on the end of that.
So, first off, I made an appointment with Planned Parenthood to start HRT. The staff was wonderful and worked with me to get the dosage I wanted. Awesome!
So, they sent the prescription off to my pharmacy, told me it'd be ready that day, and I went that evening to see if I could pick it up.
Pharmacy tells me there's no prescription in the system for me and that I need to call my prescriber. I call Planned Parenthood and the person on the phone tells me there's been an error and that it was never sent over, then they switched me to another person who said they did send it over and I needed to talk to the pharmacy. Okay…
So, I go back to the pharmacy and talk to a different person who says they do have it on file and it'll be ready in 40 minutes. Great! Twenty minutes later, the pharmacy person says that they can't fill it because insurance hasn't approved it. Okay…
So, I call insurance and they tell me that I need prior authorization from my primary care doctor (not the person who prescribed it). Well, my doctor's office is closed for the night but I can send a message on the app and they'll get back to me when they can.
So, I leave a message and the next morning a nurse replies that they can do it but they may need to refer me to endocrinology which could take a week or longer.
So, I wait the rest of the day and then the weekend (they're closed on the weekend) and on Monday I get a call from a different nurse who basically told me that they can't give me prior authorization because they didn't prescribe it in the first place. Okay…
So, I call back my insurance for clarification and they tell me that the prior authorization can be from my primary care doctor OR the doctor who prescribed it.
So, I call Planned Parenthood again and they send it off to the prior authorization department and tell me it could take 24 hours to get through to insurance and insurance told me it would take 24 hours to approve once they got prior authorization so that's another couple days I need to wait. Okay…
So, on Tuesday, I get a call from my dad who's at the pharmacy asking if I have a prescription that requires a needle and I'm like yup 👍 and he's like cool, I'm picking it up for you right now. Yay! I have a really long day and don't get home until like 9pm and when I get home I find the needles and syringes at my spot at the table, but no testosterone.
Now, the tricky part here is that I haven't actually told my family yet about the testosterone so at this point idk if my dad picked it up and is deliberately hiding it from me, picked it up and put it somewhere weird accidentally, or didn't pick it up at all or what. And I'm tired as all hell cause I usually go to bed at like 9pm and it's been a long day.
So, next morning, I call the pharmacy. They're still waiting on insurance. Okay, disappointed, but at least my dad didn't do something uncalled for.
So, I wait and wait and then on Friday I get a call from Planned Parenthood that my insurance denied me. Fuck…
But! The person from Planned Parenthood tells me that I do have other options! After talking with them I decide that um actually fuck insurance, I'll pay out of pocket for it I don't care. (Yes, I recognize that I'm privileged to be able to do that)
So, then they tell me that they need to slightly change the prescription to make sure the pharmacy will actually have it. Okay. Also, they're sending it to a different pharmacy so I can get it cheaper. Awesome!
So, I go to that pharmacy later and they don't have it. They have nothing on file for me. So I wait a couple days and still nothing. Call Planned Parenthood again, and it turns out they didn't send it to a different pharmacy, they sent it to my normal pharmacy who didn't call me to say they had it cause they thought it was waiting on insurance. Okay.
So, this morning, I go to my normal pharmacy and I ask for my prescription, they say it's waiting on insurance. I ask if I can pay out of pocket since my insurance is definitely not covering it. They say sure!
So, finally, they gave it to me! I had to pay more than I was expecting to pay but I got it and I can finally inject it tonight!
So yeah, it was a long process with several ups and downs and so many phone calls. But! I got my testosterone! It is in my grubby little hands and I get to take my first dose tonight finally!
And it is 100% worth the wait. But! I shouldn't have had to wait! We shouldn't have to jump through hoops to get HRT. I have never had to do this with any other medications!
Anyway, thanks so much for reading my rambling and I hope you have a lovely day and get any and all medications you need today!
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I'm so livid right now! I don't normally get this angry but ffs. I'm almost shaking I'm so pissed off.
This is really, really long because I don't do brevity and because background is needed to understand the situation so this is continued under the cut. I'm on mobile though so I really hope it adds a cut. If not, I'll edit my post later when I get on my laptop.
Warning: in addition to being an extremely long post, I mention feeling suicidal so if that might be triggering to anyone, please skip reading this. Thanks!
:read more:
So I don't have water. Haven't for about a year and a half. Because my depression is so bad I'm I haven't been doing self care or housework for years (at least).
Things got so bad I finally decided to file for social security disability in mid March 2021.
We have a local agency here which is a Christian place that ostensibly helps people with things they need. They have a shower for use that I was allowed to use a few times (knowing it's there is great but I still have zero motivation to use it).
With no water, I've been buying gallon jugs of water when I still had some money or with my food stamps. With the price of everything skyrocketing, I've decided spending at least $5 a week on water could be cut to zero or a bit more if they didn't mind if I filled up 2 gallon jugs of water a couple of times a week.
After all, I wasn't using their water to bathe and they'd said another client came in to fill up water jugs so they said I could as well. They were the ones who actually suggested it when they interviewed me last year!
I stopped in last week and they're was only an intern there and she didn't know what to do so she asked someone on the retail side (or whatever--they have an attached thrift shop) since everyone else was in meetings.
I was given the ok and I filled up 2 jugs. I wanted to check this time before I just stopped in, especially since they were so weird about it last time, so I called and they picked up the phone today.
I don't know if this lady was an intern or not but she wanted me to come in for an interview again. I asked if that was an annual thing (because nothing has changed since last year) and she said she didn't think it normally would be, but they're had a lot of staff changes. They'd also like to talk and get to know me "to see if there's anything else they'd be able to help with." Uh huh, sure. You mean you want to try to convert me. 🙄
I was not happy about it and I think this lady could tell but I agreed and I guess their first available is not until next Monday afternoon. Since that's an entire week, I asked if I could at least fill up my water before then and she hemmed and hawed (fuck, I'm really dating myself aren't I?) and essentially said that no, I couldn't.
Her excuse was they they are closed Thursday and Friday and will be very busy the rest of the time and might be in and out of the office. Yeah because filling up a jug of water is going to take 30 minutes. And I'll need to be heavily supervised so I don't rob them blind while I'm filling up the water or something.
I wrote them off last year because I asked for help with some really tall weeds and brush, trees, etc. I don't have the lawn gadgets to take care of this on my own even if I wasn't too depressed to get out of bed to do anything. In addition I have a number of physical issues that make it really hard, if not impossible to do many things. (I think it's probably severe anxiety plus my gastroparesis, but I'm nauseous most days and vomiting some)
The place knew I had no income last year so they didn't ask me to pay them (they said they usually for a contribution) but they asked if I could help them remove the trees and weeds. I told them I would be willing to help if I was able to and felt ok that day. They said they'd need to meet with their volunteers and would get back to me.
Stupid me. I had thought nothing of telling them that I would be losing my home, probably before 2022 since I had no way to continue to pay my mortgage and even if I did, my home requires extensive repairs. Even the city sent a notice saying my roof needed to be repaired. 😳 (they never did that when I lived in Des Moines!)
When they finally called me back, they said they'd talked to their volunteers but the volunteers weren't willing to help me if I wasn't going to be staying in my home. Wtf?!?!
I had told the Christian place that the city had given me a notice that it needed to be done or they'd do it (and it would probably be several hundred minimum for the city to do it, plus you can't just not pay a government agency back--they will legit take your license until it's paid--I checked)
I was so stressed out but luckily I called the city and explained the situation and they haven't taken action against me yet.
I'm still in my home because the mortgage company gave me a forbearance then wrote off the late charges and everything. I was able to make 1 payment (barely) with a little leftover money I had from my LTD policy benefits that ran out in February, but it's ready to go back into foreclosure again next month.
I'm just so, so upset that I have to jump through all these hoops to fill up on a few gallons of water for the week--and because apparently Christians don't care if other people go without water or something. (and before someone @s me: #notallchristians)
Fuck my life.
To make things infinitely worse, I'm a hoarder. With no one to help me. So I don't have motivation to get out of bed or anything, let alone clean and pack . . . a normal house.
My home isn't normal and hasn't been for decades. And my therapist told me I'm stressing her out because I'm having so much trouble doing anything and have no motivation despite knowing if I don't act I'll lose even the stuff I value most.
I had a peer support person who was really nice and said she'd be willing to help, but she quit last week. 😭
I have family who know at least part of my situation but none of them have contacted me in months (and I'm always the one who has to reach out to them).
I stopped reaching out because I know being super depressed and negative is a downer for most (all?) people. Plus, since I'm struggling I don't want people to think that's why I'm reaching out to them.
Of course, I do really need help and it would be great if at least one person in my family was willing to be there for me at this time. (my daughter is helping out some financially where she can, but she's the only one) *fyi I can repay my daughter easily if I get approved for SSDI but if I don't (which I'm terrified will happen--how bad do things have to be? Are my providers even understanding how bad things are? Are they documenting this well?) and I end myself instead, she's the beneficiary of my 75k or so IPERS account.
I'm afraid that my home will foreclose and I won't get my stuff and instead of just giving up on my stuff, that I'll decide I can't go on without my things and try to kill myself again. I don't even think that would be a bad thing.
I'm so tired of constantly suffering. Why do people think it's ok for people to commit suicide if someone is terminally ill, but not for long term severe mental illness? I know mental pain is supposed to be fleeting, that suicidal ideation is supposed to be fleeting. But what if it isn't?
And what if you have a lot of physical pain and mental pain and it's just so unbearable when you feel like no one even cares? If your own family apparently gives zero fucks about you, how in the everloving hell is anyone else supposed to care?!?!?
Sorry for burdening anyone who reads this. I just don't feel like my family cares and my mental health providers are paid to pretend to care and I don't think they really listen or at least understand what I'm trying to tell them. What I keep telling them over and over. I just needed to finally put this out there somewhere.
I was going to post something similar a few months ago, but decided not to because 1) I didn't want to bring anyone down or stress them out and 2) I didn't want to risk a welfare check by the police or something.
I'm not actively suicidal atm (like with a plan and the intent) plus, cops are really bad at de-escalating situations. So bad that suicide by cop has crossed my mind. But I'm white and female so I'm not sure I'd be a sufficient enough threat for that to be a valid option anyway.
#rant#tw suicide#suicidal thoughts#suicidal ideation#suicide#sorry this is so long#i don't even care if anyone reads this but i just need to vent and i feel like the people in my life aren't listening#and don't care#so . . .#not proofread#i legit hope the readmore worked#why does the Tumblr app not just have a read more or below the cut option???#it's so weird#and in many ways i prefer the mobile app to being on my laptop on Tumblr#tags on mobile seem easier to add from the previous poster on mobile anyway#ugh#i was going to go get water and then try to pack or toss some stuff today anyway#but now i just feel like I'm gonna throw up#and I'm still angry#angry and vomity#yeah not really how i want to feel if I'm going to be standing and bending over a lot#but i also can't keep putting things off or i won't have anything to keep#fuuuuck
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I woke up at 8:30 PM today.
I didn't really sleep last night, caught a couple of hours between like 10 and noon, but I had to get up at noon and gather my laundry because a friend's mom volunteered to do it for me. I haven't really been able to do it myself in about a month.
I took a shower today too. I didn't get one before my appointment Monday because I overslept and I haven't otherwise left the house since last Thursday, which I think was the last time I showered. Don't get it twisted, I sit in the tub multiple times a day to relieve my pain that still isn't under control, but my hair...
...I have been losing it. A lot of it. Not all of it, and it doesn't hurt like I've heard it can with chemo. But colon cancer chemo isn't supposed to make all your hair fall out, it'll just "thin". It was already thin to begin with. I haven't looked in the mirror in a week, I'm kind of afraid I have bald spots. It's also much too long so I always just have it piled in a bun on my head (also to keep it out of the water when I'm in the tub).
I went off topic. Anyway. Showered. My laundry was picked up. Laid down and tried to watch some Red Dwarf. Made it through a couple episodes before I conked out. Slept from about 2:30 to 8:30. Woke up at 4, took my medicine, immediately fell back asleep. My bed has no sheets on it, I had to send the ones that were on it to be washed because my AC went out a few weeks ago and I've just sweated so much into them that they were stiff.
I'm not sure if I just was comfy because I'd showered and felt clean, or that I was not lying on a stiff sheet that smelled like B.O., or that only my daytime meds do enough for the pain that I can actually sleep, but I was out cold.
I guess I'm just nocturnal now. I hate this, I take meds at 11:00 PM to *help me sleep* and they fucking don't do anything in the face of the pain I'm in. I'm in the tub right now because the pain flared up and I couldn't lie there.
But I sent all my sheets and towels to be washed...which means I'm air drying when I get out I guess before I try to go back to bed. With no sheets on it. Not that I'm going to sleep. I'll sleep tomorrow during the day and be woken up by phone calls and texts and shit. Because y'know. Normal people hours. My laundry will be here in a few hours, she said she'd drop it off in the morning for me. I'm hoping I'm not asleep when she comes.
I can't do anything anymore. Especially at night, when the pain is the worst. So being nocturnal does nothing for me. Just being up out of bed is really tiring really fast.
But things are getting better I guess. The tumor has shrunk. The levels of the cancer indicator in my blood have gone way down (though they're still too high for a normal person). Blood count is too low, still, it's worse than it was before but I guess still not bad enough for a transfusion. No wonder I've been nearly passing out when I stand up.
I don't know what normal is anymore. I don't go out and do anything, I just...lie in bed. My car is still broken. I couldn't drive if I wanted to anyway... I'm way too weak and shaky, and sitting is almost always painful. Road bumps are god-awful. I've been playing Stardew Valley again because it feels like I'm accomplishing something. I've hit walls I don't want to deal with in almost every other game I have. Which sucks, but...why do I need to stress myself out over it?
My friends are really busy. I haven't seen much of them lately, and the one just always seems like I'm stressing him out when I do see him. The other one just got a new job and blanks out and freezes when I'm upset around him, which happens pretty often, because it's super easy to upset me. Usually just the pain will do it, but also, everything I'm going through is either terrifying or frustrating. I upset another friend the last time they visited, because they hadn't seen me so weak. Everyone keeps saying they're sorry I'm going through this. I hate hearing it. I don't want my friends to be sad or upset around me. I don't want to cause them to be stressed out. It's already so hard to ask for help as it is.
I don't really know why I'm writing this post. Honestly it just feels like I haven't talked to anyone in so long that's had enough time to listen. And probably no one will see this. Which is kind of okay. I feel like I'm just whining anyway.
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Today wasn't too bad I suppose. It didn't start very well because I slept through all 20 of my alarms. It's kind of ridiculous that I have to set that many as it is but I have a bad habit of hitting the snooze button. I usually get up around 4:30 or 5 but today I didn't get up until 6:15 and that's when I normally have to leave on Wednesdays.
I stayed up way too late last night but I wouldn't have been able to sleep even if I had tried because it was too loud. The neighbors down the street were lighting off super loud fireworks until almost 1 in the morning. I was so pissed and I really wanted to go over there and tell them they were being rude but I'm not a confrontational person. I don't even remember falling asleep but I don't think I got more than 4 hours. I guess having 2 days off messed me up too and I also forgot I had to be there earlier. I work at 7 on Mondays and Tuesdays and 6:30 on Wednesdays and Thursdays.
Luckily I still had time to get everything set up and get breakfast before cases started at 7:30. I had 24 today but I got done with them by 3:00. I had time to sit down and eat my lunch too. It definitely was better than last Wednesday. I had 31 cases that day due to add-ons and there was also an hour delay because one of the surgeries took longer than usual so I ended up having to stay late and I was already exhausted. I was so grumpy after that and Thursday sucked.
I also got mad last week because that creepy guy I work with that won't leave me alone tried hitting on me again in front of a bunch of people and I basically had to tell had to tell him to fuck off. It was embarrassing. After that incident, he left the department for a while and when he came back he was clearly in a bad mood and was banging stuff around. It felt like he was trying to be intimidating or something and he also kept trying to find reasons to talk to me. I told him previously that I thought it was weird that he kept calling me beautiful and amazing and I tried to make it clear that it made me uncomfortable. I haven't shown any interest whatsoever so I don't understand why he keeps trying. I don't trust him. He doesn't seem to show a lot of respect for women. He's very desperate for a relationship and I'm not the only girl he acts that way towards. He cornered another girl in the stairwell to get her phone number. I'm not sure why she gave it to him since she said that she doesn't like him either. I would never give him any of my information. Most of the girls are uneasy around him and he likes to go around trying to get hugs. If he tries to say or do anything else to me like that I'm going to HR. He says he's planning on working there a long time and I can't wait to get away from him. At least I don't have to see him at all this week since he's out of town. I don't want him to come back but I'm happy that I haven't had to see him since he did that.
I got to leave work a couple minutes early so that was nice. I went to the store to get cat food and more snacks for myself. I have been eating so much junk food. I think I have actually gained a couple pounds which is good news. Some of my clothes are fitting better. I hope I can continue gaining weight but I also need to eat a little healthier sometimes. I don't even know how much I weigh right now since I don't have a scale so I guess I will find out when I go to the doctor on Friday. I'm also still planning on asking for her to increase my dosage of lamotrigine to 175mg a day since I've been taking 150mg for a while now. I am going to see if she will give me ativan or something for my anxiety. I have taken anxiety meds before and I don't really like them but lately I'm having a really hard time managing it. I haven't had blood work done in a while so I should probably ask to have that done too.
I'm going to make some dinner soon and get ready for bed. I'm sure I will sleep a lot better tonight and hopefully I actually wake up on time in the morning. I'm glad I only have to work one more day this week and tomorrow shouldn't be too busy. I'm going to do my best to make it a good day.
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Man. Our shitty fridge in our shitty rental house conked out over the weekend. Come to find out the fridge is plugged into one of those ancient brown extension chords, oh, and the fridge itself has it's ground cut off the plug. Yep. Been like that for several years, including when a legally blind woman lived here mostly by herself. THIS IS FINE. FUCK.
So I call about the fridge, because I had to throw out all my frozen stuff (it died in the night and there was no saving most of it in the morning). The fridge side was kinda still working, so there's still food in there. They let me know that they'll get on it first thing Monday. Of course.
So today, Monday, guy came over to fix the wall situation, said he didn't know anything about fixing the fridge, he was here for the electric. So he switched out the outlet and put on a new plate, but one of the grounds in the new plug is "open" I think he said? Basically this house is so old that the wiring is fucked and if there was a ground for that plug it's broken somewhere in the wall. Great.
He plugged the (broken, ungrounded) fridge back in. It is STILL clicking and making the lights dim periodically. It is still not freezing things in the freezer half. I haven't opened the other side because I just can't right now.
So I call the rental place about how the fridge still needs to get fixed. I can't get a hold of maintenance. I let the lady who answers the main phone know during the second or third attempt that I need someone to reassure me, and I will in fact KEEP CALLING BACK until I know this is a recognized issue. I am polite but firm. Wow, there actually is someone you can talk to when you put it that way.
Talk to the head of maintenance. He knew about the electrical issue, thought it was causing the fridge problem. No, I explain, they are two different very important issues. Cool, he will get on finding someone to fix the fridge. Guy is still working on the outlet.
I get a call, it's the middle person who did not effectively convey my issues to the head of maintenance over the weekend. She wants me to know that she did too! I laughingly call it a game of telephone, trying to let her know I don't blame her. She says no I put in the report! I say, but someone had to read it, that's what make it a telephone game.
She gets more upset and claims she did tell him. I say, he didn't seem to understand when I called, but that it doesn't matter anymore, he is taking care of it. Tammy, I do not have the energy to explain to you that getting my fire hazard and my fucked up fridge fixed is so much more important to me than your ego.
So now I'm sitting here, with the fridge (still doesn't have a ground, still broken for sure on the freezer side, maybe also on the fridge side) plugged into the wall, dimming the lights periodically, waiting to find out if a guy is going to fix my fucking fridge today or another day this week.
#fucking monday#and did this have to happen in december?#this is the time of year I am least functional#hurrrrrgg#fuck capitalism#fuck landlords
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Haven't been on Tumblr in 3 nearly 4 years but here I am cause I got a long fucking rant I need to let out.
So this motherfucker that I work with, if he wasn't an actual person I enjoyed hanging out with most of the time I would have dropped him so fast cause of all the red flags. Like I honestly should drop him at this point. So I met him cause he started working at the same place I did back in May. Now we got along great, but I started to notice the way he acted might imply that he had a crush on me cause he was heavily asking about me being asexual, which is not something I hide. But he thought being ace was the same as being aro until I finally explained the difference to him which made me think he was gonna ask me out. And I was not fucking wrong. He asked me out, and at the time I was under the impression he was 39, while I'm 22 so I immediately was like nah dude the age gap makes me hella uncomfortable and he understood. He continue to act the same though which was a little eh. I should also preface that the way he asked me out was a bit weird. It was a series of questions the first being if I was dating my roommate at the time, if I was polyamorous, which yikes at the implications, and if I wanted to go out with him. So fast forward maybe like a little less than a month and come to find out he was not 39, but either 28 or 29. He tries asking me out again when he realizes. I cite that I still am not interested for a multitude reasons, the biggest being I don't have those kinds of feelings for him because I also lean heavily on the demiromantic spectrum quite possibly aromantic because in my lifetime I have been in love/had a crush on someone once. It was in high school, it took me nearly 4 years to actually fall in love with them, but I knew I was. And while I identify as pan, I don't find myself attracted to people who identify as male often, mostly I am into women. And I gave him these reasons. Continued to act the same. Now about another almost month later, tries once again to ask me a date, citing "so what if we said screw responsibilities and see where it goes?" Now at this point, I'm more than mildly uncomfortable and I make a point of stating it was never about responsibilities, reciting the reasons I gave before. He is a little woe is me, that he's in love with me and he won't be able to move on easily. So you know I'm trying to be nice and offer some distance which he accepts. We later talk in person about this whole thing and set a few boundaries because we are both feeling weird. Me over him being overly touchy and affectionate, leaning against me when we sit by each other when hanging out, spontaneous hugs (which I hate), and trying to buy me things I don't want and have stated such, he tried to get me a new phone cause mine kind of sucks at times and I very actively was uncomfortable with. All of which I set and he promptly ignores less than a week later. I try to pull back on my behavior cause according to him it was more than friendly and seemingly flirty to him and leading him on, but it's how I act with all my friends, not one ever told me it was like that. Now we are at a point where he gets incredibly jealous over everyone and slightly pissy about it. For example, a coworker, let's call W, has been attempting to get me to go out to a bar with him because I said I've never been to one, all in a friendly way that doesn't make me uncomfortable. My friend, who let's now call E, suddenly gets pissy and sad when I tell him, and goes "well I hope you have fun." I had never stated I was going to go just that W was asking. And at least once a week E gets upset over having feelings for me and depresses himself with me not liking him. He also gets upset when I don't always want to hang out with him, he asks almost every day to hang out. I work 5 days a week 6am-2pm usually. Within those, I had DnD twice a week Monday and Tuesday, and every other week had game night Wednesday (which he is a part of). Now he has mainly closing shifts between Thursday to Sunday. This means he is not available to hang out often when I get out of work. And days off I like to relax but also do chores and things that need to be done.
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