hey.
do you ever think about the fact that they had four years together? four years during which the bookshop became their bookshop? crowley's glasses found a place to stay and so did he, comfortably vulnerable and content, safe and protected by their home, by his angel.
do you ever think about crowley sleeping on a sofa in the back while aziraphale watches over him? do you think he covers him with the warmest blanket he can find and closes his shop to make sure he won't be disturbed? do you think he sat in an armchair beside him, reading book after book and occasionally glancing up to look at him?
do you think whenever he saw him sleeping—peaceful and safe and his—he smiled, soft and smitten and so, so in love?
do you think he learned to read the signs of nightmares approaching? a twitch here, a low noise there, pain carving a path down his face, and he responded every single time, kneeling on the floor and gently pressing a palm to his cheek. do you think he brushed his thumb over his cheekbone and whispered you're with me, it's just a dream, waiting until he calmed before returning to his chair?
crowley woke from paralysing nightmares sometimes, and without the signs, aziraphale did not know, couldn't stop it in time, but he was there when he shot upright fast enough to make himself dizzy. he would drop his book and cross the distance separating them, allowing crowley to grab his hands and look at him with tears in his eyes.
just a dream, aziraphale would say, we're okay.
breath after shuddering breath, eyes darting around the room, hands shaking around his own.
you're here, crowley would respond, and finally, finally he could relax.
i'm here.
they do not talk about it, but afterwards aziraphale would settle down next to him and read out-loud until crowley fell asleep again, until the sun rose or set, until crowley woke with a tiny smile on his lips and his nightmares gone.
do you think after four years of having a home crowley snaps awake in the middle of the night with a scream in his throat and tears streaming down his face, frantically looking and reaching for a person that is no longer there?
"where are you?" he asks, quiet and pleading even though he knows. damn it all, he knows.
crowley still dreams of fire and ash, but there is aziraphale's voice now, smooth and steady and gone. nothing lasts forever—only his nightmares will, even once he returns, and he has to return. he has to.
he has to come back because crowley cannot spend an eternity praying, over and over and over:
"where are you?"
"i'm right here," crowley whispers to himself, closing his eyes and lying to himself, his voice shifting to sound like his. the room is empty, cold, abandoned. his chest is hollow, aziraphale's presence gone, intangible, imperceptible. gonegonegone.
i'm right here.
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Tired.
Season 3 only made birdman even more special to me. I see myself a lot in Hunter, and while it could just be me projecting I really think his behavior in the past two specials reflects where I am in my own healing journey. The one step forward two steps back then two step forward one step back part of his recovery stage in life hits home. I guess this is vent art?? Abuse recovery is a bitch, and new trauma can always form even when you're making progress. I think that's why Flapjack's death really stuck with me. This is a time in Hunter's life when resiliency is especially needed, and I'm glad that Willow and his friends will be there to support him through it.
This character has given me a lot of insight into my own past experiences and inspires me to reach out to find my people in the world, and I cannot thank Dana and the crew enough for the show.
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the passion and love for this series..... imma cry
read more here: https://www.japanaradio.com/node/98
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How much involvement did Nightow-sensei have in the production of the show? You mentioned in your panel earlier that he just gave a green light and said to just have fun. Can you elaborate further?
K: It started with Nightow-sensei, myself, the director Muto, and also producer Takei. So four people altogether, just talking to each other for quite a long time. We heard from Nightow-sensei about what kind of a person he is, what he was thinking about when he was creating Trigun, and what he wanted to cover in that story. And that's where we started. Building on that, we moved on to the concept stage. We had two main staff members working on that.
We had Kouji Tajima, who worked on the concept art, and Takehiko Oshiki, who worked on the setup, writing the text that would describe the overall concepts of the world. Oshiki-san is a huge Trigun fan, a fan of the original anime and the manga. And so, he gathered together for us a bunch of design documents, set up documents, describing the themes that were covered in the original manga, and also the themes that were hinted at, but not really ever explored. Then, based on the text that he had pulled together and written for us, Tajima-san started creating concept art. His goal was to create concept art that would show the overall feel of this world and help us with world building, to envision what kind of a world the planet is, and he took over a year working on all the concept art.
During all of these conceptual design parts, we were continually checking in with Nightow-sensei. So, even before the usual pre-production process, we're showing him the setup text and the concept art, and he gave the okay to all of that. After being deeply involved in the concept design, he told us, "Everything, from here on out, the scripts, the character designs and so forth, the regular stuff of pre-production, you can do as you wish. That's because I'm confident now that you fully understand where you're going with this, and I've signed off on all the pre-pre-production concept designs that you've done."
It's not like he gave us completely free rein to do whatever we wanted. However, because we had actually that much deep, intense collaboration at the very start, he thought that we knew where we were going with this, and he's also good with where we chose to take this.
M: Usually, when you're adapting a book, a manga, to anime, you'd just be facing the book itself. But, in my case, I really wanted to face the person who created it first.
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theres something to be said about how mac still holds such a childish adoration for his parents after such a long time. how literally its shown to us by the fact that
mac always slicked his hair back as a child, when he still had contact with his father
he stops doing this into adulthood, but later in life, once mac interacts with his father again, he starts slicking his hair back again
he doesnt stop. slicking his hair back. until his own father walks out during his coming out performance. the guy he put it on for. only after that does he completely stop styling his hair that way
not to mention the constant refusal that his mom (and dad) could be anything but perfect, the way hes so desperate to do good by them, viewing them as the way to measure his success...
and. yeah thats. something.
the internal denial that his parents treated him poorly, the fact that its his primary instinct to deny that his parents suck, the constant dismissal of his own issues relating to family because his whole life hes been told that "other people have it worse". the way hes internalized that so hard. the way it takes his dad walking out on macs coming out performance to him for mac to stop blindly idolizing some guy whos threatened to kill him
the constant fear of his own father, while also believing him to be the coolest bestest guy ever. the way he always assumes his father is gonna get violent when actually talking to him, but sings nothing but praises when away from him
the fact that he still calls his dad "daddy" even.
i mean you cant really blame him for not fully growing up in some areas huh
its not even that i think he doesnt know that his parents treat him horribly, it just really seems like he wants so badly to believe thats not the case from years of having his cries for help ignored or made fun of. he cant have been treated poorly, because charlie was treated poorly, and his baggage isnt nearly as bad as charlies, so clearly macs home life wasnt bad.
i think thats proven most of all by his frustration with his own family at times, it really feels like theres some underlying issues. they can very quickly manifest as frustration and anger, but honestly its probably mostly sadness. the way he reacts to his own mother really reminds me of how i interact with family members i have grudges with but have to pretend i dont. im not actually angry at any of these people, im mostly just exhausted by them.
he very clearly is still aware of the neglect he faced as a kid, to me. he knows his home life was severely fucked up, hes just never been able to express that, so hes coped by just. pretending that it didnt happen.
and realistically i dont know if he could ever properly acknowledge that his home life was fucked and his parents suck. maybe hed acknowledge that his dad sucks now, but it wouldnt have been that bad when he was a kid and wasnt a fag. right? he was loved then. his mom still did a great job raising him, and he really loves her, and he was raised with all the love and care a child needs.
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