#and that kind of really hurts
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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
#hlep#original#mental health#my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it#i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support#and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of#huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the#longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel#i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop
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Just gonna have to wait and see, right? Just wait and see! Just gotta wait and see! Who knows, we'll just have to wait and see! It's anybody's guess, we'll just have to wait and see! The future is exciting, we just gotta wait and see!
#personal#my art#Fuck your fake ass 'i am very smart!' intellectualizing “observations” and open your god damn ears.#do something for fucks sake. it's sickening seeing videos of ai crap and seeing rows and rows of repliers using their one brain synapse#to type “wow! very exciting!” “haha this is kind of scary! but in a really interesting way!”#and then they go about their day without a second thought while creative industries burn around them#i go to one of america's top tech schools too and it's enough to make you wanna tear our your hair#every day it's seminars and talks about “the potential consequences of ai!” when the consequences are happening NOW#NO MORE DISCUSSING NO MORE INTELLECTUALIZING NO MORE SOCRATIC SEMINARS NO MORE DEBATING. ACT YOU COWARDS#people are getting hurt RIGHT NOW. stop pretending to care when you clearly don't! just be honest and say you wanna make money#my time here has really made me hate academic spaces. you people are so god damn useless and cowardly.
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It runs in the family
#an art#super danganronpa 2#sdr2#fuyuhiko kuzuryu#peko pekoyama#Fuyupeko#Kuzupeko#Thinking about them and their terrible childhood today. Kind of terrible lives in general huh#Neither of them could help each other when things got dicey in the household#Peko because the Kuzuryūs are NOT afraid to 'discipline' her. Fuyuhiko because it literally only makes things worse.#Both of them because if they show off how close they are the agents might rethink keeping Peko around. So they grit their teeth and bear it#I somewhat hc that the parents also aren't above involving the other in a punishment. Like.#Fuyuhiko can take a beating but he hates seeing Peko be hurt. Same for her. So if they REALLY wanna beat a lesson into one of them.... ykno#BUT THATS SAD. SO I ADDED THE NICE PICTURE AFTERWARDS#Child abuse cw#Cw child abuse
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he says i hate everyone except you and that is addictive and that is kind of romantic and beautiful because you're young and you're kind of a sarcastic asshole too and you don't like bad boys, per say, but you don't really like good ones either. and you like that you were the exception, it felt like winning.
except life is not a romance book, and he was kind of being honest. he doesn't learn to be nice to your friends. he only tolerates your family. you have to beg him to come with you to birthday parties, he complains the whole time. you want to go on a date but - people are often there, wherever you're going. he's just so angry. about everything, is the thing. in the romance book, doesn't he eventually soften? can't you teach him, through your own sense of whimsy and comfort?
at first - you know introverts often need smaller friend groups, and honestly, you're fine staying at home too. you like the small, tidy life you occupy. you're not going to punish him for his personality type.
except: he really does hate everyone but you. which means he doesn't get along with his therapist. which means he has no one to talk to except for you. which means you take care of him constantly, since he otherwise has no one. which means you sometimes have to apologize for him. which means he keeps you home from seeing your friends because he hates them. you're the single exception.
about a decade from this experience, you'll type into google: how to know if a relationship is codependent.
he wraps an arm around you. i hate everyone except you. these days, you're learning what he's actually confessing is i have very little practice being kind.
#i used to think it was romantic too and then i was like. now i see it as a HUGE red flag#writeblr#it is also almost EXCLUSIVELY said by immature ppl who think this is normal#fyi even if u think it's funny and ur like 'im an introvert it's just TRUE' like. you need therapy (ily tho)#healed introversion is just ''i would prefer to be by myself'' not ''i hate every person'' ... hate is not normal. that is not healthy#im sorry. i know it feels accurate. but if you're walking around with that kind of rage....#1. you're making a LOT of assumptions about every single person u have ever met. which is often unfair and unkind#and also usually involves judging people based on their worst moments or little mistakes#2. you are being unfair to the person who is ur ''exception''#3. there is a VAST difference between ''ur my favorite person'' and ''the ONLY person i like.''#idk i think this is just a personal bias thing tbh#im sure there are people who have this experience normally#but i have YET to find a man who thinks like this and ISNT absolute DOGSHIT. although tbh.... like. im sure he exists#when u hit like 30 some of the things that were once kind of hot now just sound fucking exhausting. like ''im in a band''#edit in the tags: i used to kind of be like this too. but the thing is that like. my life became so much more peaceful#once i started believing that people are generally good. like yes i am mad at the world at large#but it's just.... a very hard way to live. you're not a bad person or wrong for the ways other people hurt you and taught you to be angry.#but that anger will continue to hurt YOU. it will punish YOU. it will prevent YOU from making new deep connections. it will protect you yes#but it will also cause MASSIVE blowback. bc if you lose the One Person... your life will fall apart. i know this personally.#i really recommend just trying to be... cautiously optimistic instead. like. yes#people can be horrible and cruel and there are some communities (incels for example) that aren't worth that optimism#but i think like... most people will hold a door for you . most people want to help you find your wallet .#i hope one day you are able to find peace. i hope that rage eventually smooths over. i know how hard it is PERSONALLY#and i know what must have happened to you. and im deeply deeply sorry we share the same wound.#but i promise - sometimes we all need someone else to help us carry the weight. eventually the rage has to die so that we can let help in#i had to spend years biting at outstretched hands. i still often do. im still very wary . and my heart breaks that you flinch too.#here's the thing: i don't blame you. but we were both acting out of fear and pain. .... not out of healthy behavior. and ... change#was needed. i needed change too. rage was useful for a while. then it just left me isolated and bitter. i had to (with effort)#choose to let that rage go. and let people in . VERY SLOWLY THO LOL
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Is it ... is it too much to ask for a smidgen of respect from a job anymore? Am I asking too much from a job to do anything but mindlessly accept every asinine assignment to my own detriment? Is the only way to survive anymore to submit your entire allotment of energy and emotional control to the job, for nothing outside of the workplace?
#I'm actually feeling really ... lost because of work rn#and I'm starting to feel like it really IS all my fault and that I'm getting to abrasive#I just wanted my job not the job I specifically didn't apply for or ask for#I feel like I'm ... too difficult to be around#and usually it's not problem for me and I'm fine with being alone or with my fiance or whatever#but I can't pay for the house without a job and I feel like no job will want me anymore#like my usefulness is outweighed by ... me ... anymore#I finally don't want to kill myself anymore and accept myself for me#and this whole situation is undermining all of that work really hard#I'm unacceptable#I'm someone no one wants to be around#I don't have friends not by choice#but because no one wants to be my friend#or coworker#or employer#I am unfit for community and society#and that kind of really hurts
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event horizon
#something something theres a lot to be said about the astrophysics references in stormbringer#some things were done well others not so much but im just being really picky#actual good reference to the schwarzschild radius though we love a good astro ref#anyway. i read the light novel and it HURT#bsd#bungou stray dogs#chuuya#stormbringer#bsd art#bungo stray dogs#bungou stray dogs fanart#bsd fanart#bungo stray dogs fanart#chuuya nakahara#bsd stormbringer#skk#kind of#kokoart
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Happy Pride, Ch’en Hui Chieh
#arknights#ch'en#talulah artorius#dlarts#never forget that one of the first things tal did after regaining her senses#was to ask ch'en if she still liked girls#i think tal would tease her sister for being gay#not in a mean or hurtful way of course#but in the 'what's up homo' greeting kind of way#because ch'en isn't really secure in herself yet
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messy ee doodlin
#all vibes no cleanup#lineart is for the strong#and i am very#very weak#anyways ik sylvie is perfectly capable of fighting n crap#but i really like his n gio's dynamic#the kind of older n middle sibling that dont get along#but would kick someone's ass if they hurt one of them#kinda deal#idk i just like seeing them look out for each other#epithet erased#epithet erased fanart#these doodles arent worth tagging all the characters#sketch tag#my art
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there's no way the bathroom at peppino's pizza is actually that big but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . hey ummm anyway.... i care them...... anyway there's a lil ramble on my take on fake pep's like psyche or whatever in tags on the og post if ur into that kinda thing :y
hey! it's a series! fake peppino world tour: [noise] [noisette] [peppino]<- u are here [gustavo] [gerome] [noisette again]
#ramble after realtags yeag. shoutout to serrangelic btw suggesting the silhouettes thing bc i would have Died otherwise#pizza tower#peppino spaghetti#fake peppino#gustavo and brick#arting#pizzaposting#so anyway i think fake peppino has like. a general awareness that he is supposed to Be Peppino and that he was Made to do that#and likewise he does generally try to...do that. the thing he does NOT realize is hes like really goddamn bad at it#not to be mean but like...c'mon. they are pretty distinctly different kinds of guys even beyond the physiology yknow.#he's neither on-brand nor fooling anyone dsjdsjjkgfsd. BUT!#since the rest of the cast generally likes him [at least as I play it] he thinks hes doing just fine#he's like 'oh they r happy with me so i must be getting a good grade in being peppino :)'#so getting told that 'yeah you actually really suck at that but that was never the reason people liked you'#and told that by og model peppino no less--yknow THE guy he's supposed to be living up to#who's already a bit intimidating for that and who ALSO totally wrecked him TWICE in the tower#making him acutely familiar with just how formidable the guy is and how much there IS to live up to....#it's a Moment for sure. not really a sad or hurt one though. just... contemplative.#thinking abt people liking him for being the guy he's already naturally been being even though that guy is Not Peppino#i don't think he's gonna be super broken up about realizing he has a bad grade in peppino given everything else hes got now#nor do i really think he cares enough to go like reinvent himself or whatever after the fact#he seems to b pretty clearly having fun with it already so i think he just keeps doing that#and in some cases he still has the pre-installed peppino traits/instincts like to cooka da pizza. and that's fine#is this projection. yes. but if youve been following me awhile you know most of my character writing is ghdhfdgf#gonna kinda expand on all this in the gerome one which is...one after next. itll be a bit but man.#anyway peppino will never admit to anyone and especially not himself that he's gotten a little attached to the guy. hee hoo#pep tends to be kinda surly but he certainly has his ways of showing he cares. all of which are on display here#''that thing is not my son'' says man currently watching thing's antics with the 'bemused dad' arms crossed pose. yeah ok buddy.#gus is totally onto him already but hes not gonna say anything.#if u read all this ur prize is not having to go decode fp's rot13. his lines are ''meant to be you...?'' and ''wrong question.''
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I think what particularly annoys me with the "zelda was always gameplay before story" is that... it's not true? At least I don't think it's true in the way people mean it.
Zelda games were always kind of integrating story based on the standards of the time. When game stories were in game pamphlets, Zelda's stories was in the pamphlets. ALTTP tried to tell a pretty complicated stories with the limitations of the time. OoT was actively trying to tell an epic, cinematic tale packed with ambiance and expand what 3D could offer that 2D games struggled with. Majora's Mask is deeply character-driven in many, many ways. Wind Waker and Twilight Princess are both pretty concerned about their stories, down to the point that some people were bored by TP's cutscenes in particular. Skyward Sword, from what little I have played it, is very very invested in its characters and their journey (and 2D Zeldas have Link's Awakening, Minish Cap... None of them are visual novels, but they are concerned with emotional journeys, character arcs, mysteries about their own world...)
What is true is that the narrative wraps around the mechanics, and not the other way around. The mechanics drive themes, aesthetics, emotional beats and character journeys; and that's great. The world is a puzzle, and the world is delightfully absurd when it needs to be, full of heart when it calls for it, dark and oppressive when it suits the player experience.
That does not mean the games aren't invested in their stories. Even BotW has a pretty complicated story to tell about an entire world rather than one specific tale or legend --all of it at the service of the gameplay, which is exploration and mastery of your environment.
So. Yes, none of the Zelda games are million-words long visual novels that care deeply about consistency and nuance; but stories don't need consistency or deep lore to be meaningful and serve an emotional journey. Again: gameplay is story. The two cannot be so easily parsed from each other.
And Zelda as a franchise obviously care deeply about story, characters and setting (and still does right now --otherwise there wouldn't be a movie), even if it doesn't try to imitate prestige narrative-driven games, which is great and part of why I love this series so much. Doesn't mean it couldn't have done better in the past, it obviously could have, but I feel like pretending that nobody ever cared about story or character is just... false? It's a huge disservice to the devs too. Some of them obviously cared immensely.
The "gameplay above story", at least in the extent to which it is paraded today to defend TotK, mostly, is a really recent development. And I think it's one that deserves to receive some pushback.
#thoughts#tloz#zelda#the legend of zelda#totk critical#(sort of)#(I mean this is the subtext)#guys in 1998 nintendo was trying its darnest to make an epic story (with uhhh the writing that it got)#(love that game to bits but won't defend the actual writing)#the fully gameplay-driven game was mario 64!!!#I think this perception is also partially the fault of that “narrative game” category that is just.... kind of like Prestige TV but for gam#as if most games don't have some form of storytelling within them#and that coherence and vision and consistency are part of game design too#and will hurt a game's enjoyment if not handled correctly#a really really paired back narrative game is really difficult to pull off actually!#because you still need stakes and some degree of intrigue#so you need to figure out how to introduce this without walls of text and is it narrative design? is it game design? it's both!!#anyway anyway
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“It could be that the loss of her children drove the Queen deeper into her darker desires...but, I don’t believe she was fighting against them that hard before that particular tragedy. No monster does.” (Patreon)
Bonus:
Hmm, wonder what he could cover those holes with :3c
#Doodles#Handplates#UT#Fellplates#UkaGaster's answers about Toriel really interest me :3c#As evidenced by the quote caption lol - but his other ones are very interesting too! Since it sounds like she's still around!#Poor classic Handplates!Gaster believed Tori dead for such a long time while she was at the Ruins#Meanwhile Fellplates!Gaster is just like ''? I saw the Queen last week she threw me into the pricker bushes? -.ò'' lol#But anyhow lol ♪ The implications that they're still in each other's vicinity really makes me curious about their relationship!#And how Toriel might react to knowing that someone - someone other than her - is having So Much Success on one of her sore spots#Not just of having children but of the constant reminders of Gaster's success where she has to live every day with a heavy heart for her own#Being cruel to him over it - well that's just par for the course isn't it ♪#He mentions that she's much more of an emotional sadist - insulting him and then making it Very clear that she does Not approve of the holes#''They're ugly and you should feel ashamed for drawing so much attention to something so unsightly''#I do think that her knowing that he's so intent on being kind and merciful and then twisting the knife on how much he's hurting her-#Making him feel guilty for daring to even attempt the betterment of all - for giving pieces of himself away and try to be a good person#''If anyone will break my spirit it will be her'' :)#Although that's all assuming that Toriel even knows about the brothers! :0 When I thought about it later it'd make more sense if she doesn't#It was still too good to not do something with the idea hehe - but imagine her betrayal if/when she found out tho she'd kill him on the spot#Gosh I haven't drawn Tori in foreeeeever I can't even remember the last time#Doing a/nother study on her would probably be fun haha she's rather plain how I draw her currently#I wonder if her Fellplates version would also wear reading glasses hehe#And the bonus :3c Where are the plates featured in Fellplates? Surely it's not just called that as a reference right ♪ Hehehe
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Broken Roofs and Fixed Perspectives
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#xue yang#xiao xingchen#Lots of cut content notes on this one. Lets all have a moment of silence for all the cut A-Qing's in each perspective.#particularly ripped and buff 'Daozhang Defender 'A-Qing (her perspective)#funny but poor layout#XY also had a red arrow pointed at him in his own POV that said 'just troubled' but it made the panel too cluttered.#He does see himself as troubled and uses that to justify his actions#but I also think there is room for him to not really know exactly how to feel about himself in this situation#Yi-city is such a fantastic tragedy for so many reasons and you will bear witness to me rambling about it in the tags as this arc continues#Helping a blind man fix a roof? A manipulative act of building trust or genuine display of wanting to collaberate?#XY and A-qing have experience of the cruelty of the world where as xxc has blind (haha) faith that kindness prevails#These three simultaneous know each other more than the other's think and *yet* completely miss the mark.#the stories they tell in the blizzard (and the reactions they have) so perfectly display who these characters are#Both xxc and xy tell stories about unfair cruelty. To xxc it is others who's suffering is highlighted. XY highlight's his own.#A-qing understands xue yang more that she wants to admit. She predicts the twists in xy's story and empathizes with the hurt and anger#A-qing is also taking advantage of xxc! She is also lying to survive!#Though shes mostly benign in her intentions. She really did vibe check the rank stank on XY's soul on the spot#Alas...no one listens to teen girls....
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Trust and belief and trust and belief and trust and belief and-
#Hajime hinata#Fuyuhiko kuzuryu#Sdr2#Super danganronpa 2#Danganronpa 2#Danganronpa#Kuzuhina#God I'm so emotions these past days what is happening#Anyway here's comfort! For all the recent hurt hehe sry#Also I got inspired by my OWN art#From being papanorth. Which was specifically like ... different responses to different traumas#And a recent post about being patient and kind vs being passionate and reaffirming#An art#ANYWAY I have feelings and emotions sometimes! It's good times#It's a bit late but im posting anyway while my mood is high#Oh I forgot to include my own thoughts#Fuyuhiko is suspicious and assumes every unexpected touch is hostile. Except... hes learning not to.#Hajime has moments where he goes away for a bit and cant really engage with people. But... hes finding ways to ground himself as himself.
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hollyleaf
#warrior cats#warriors#thunderclan#hollyleaf#after getting those shots#my hand doesn't hurt that bad#like its of course sore in the area of injection#and i feel kind of the ghost of the pain from my tendonitis#but the pain doesn't last long and disappears in a flash#anyways I wanted to test out my hand so I doodled this holly earlier today#I have one more drawing that I just drew#but I'll post it after this one#i really missed drawing
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finds character i relate to immensely, immediately starts projecting
#discovered some mikey epilepsy headcanons one time. can’t find ‘em but they made me really happy so i’m throwing some in#2012 mikey centered because… well…. i’m me#but i have rise mikey ones too#2012 mikey mostly has absences and auras and other less serious kinds of seizures#though he will occasionally have tonic-clonics and other such seizures#he tics regularly because i do and i want a character that does too#(my tic is basically just i crack my neck and sometimes it goes too hard and it really hurts)#i could go on but i don’t have time for that rn lol#tmnt mikey#tmnt leo#tmnt donnie#2012 mikey#2012 leo#2012 donnie#tmnt#tmnt 2012#feel free to ignore (not 100% proud of the second drawing)
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Your Cupid!Chuuya makes me think of the song that goes “I Want to know what love is / I Want you to show me” for some reason with the angst you’re introducing.
That fits for both of them. here's their deal:
I always introduce angst! That's given.
#but ok i didnt really think i would have expanded on this idea after the valentines art but#getting shot with cupid's arrow being gory and violent. 🤔#well in this au anyway chuuya is reenacting some kind of trauma he has and probably hurting himself and others (dazai)#dazai meanwhile is such a romantic guy but he has trouble letting others in.#so all his relationship have this shallow 'i used you and you used me' aspect to it.#it starts that way with chuuya but. you know it's gonna get better for them bc they'll work their issue out w/ each other or whatever.#after they get past the toxic stage.
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