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dadbodosamu · 3 years

Text

only you || part i

Stepdad Osamu x Fem!Reader

WARNINGS: pseudocest, stepcest, cheating, wombfucking, semi-public sex (in an alley), extremely light dumbification, breeding kink, spit kink, Osamu has a dick piercing

4.5k words. thanks to @waka-chan-out and @vanilleswtmacaron for beta reading this and reassuring me that it doesn’t suck lol

ao3 link here (aha its not too long mobile just sucks!!) part i || part ii || part iii || part iv || part v || part vi || extras || only you, too

You sighed as you tapped your fingers on the table. Your mom had decided it was high time for you to meet your new stepdad, who you had put off meeting for the past three years. You smiled as you remembered the perfectly timed appendicitis that had you missing the wedding. You couldn’t have planned it better if you tried.

Your dad had only passed away a little under four years ago, leaving your mom to remarry only six months later. You’d opted to live with your grandmother, citing her health as a reason to live with her on her farm. Your plan had worked perfectly, and you hadn’t had to meet Osamu for three years.

Now though, with your grandmother in the hospital, your mom thought it was a great time for you to come and visit and finally meet the great Osamu.

“Osamu should be home any minute,” your mom said, smiling happily over the takoyaki she was making. “He’s bringing your favourite!”

“Yay,” you said, unenthusiastically. You glanced at the time on your phone. You were almost wishing Osamu to be here so you wouldn’t have to spend another awkward second with your mom.

You and your mom hadn’t been close to begin with, you always being a daddy’s girl from the day you were born. And after remarrying so quickly, you’d drifted even further apart. At this point, you had nothing to speak to her about.

“I’m home!” Someone called. The door slid shut behind them and you glanced around, waiting for them to appear in the kitchen. “And I brought umeboshi onigiri!”

The man who stepped into the kitchen nearly knocked you out of your seat.

He was handsome. Devastatingly, heartachingly, handsome. He was tall, with brown hair and deep grey eyes, and thick. His t-shirt was pulled taut over his broad shoulders and his thighs in his shorts were almost indecent.

The next thing you noticed was that he was young. Probably only a handful of years older than your twenty-one, definitely closer to your age than your mom’s.

God, why had you put this meeting off? Had you known your mom was married to an actual god, you would’ve actually visited.

“Hey, honey,” your mom greeted, smiling at him. Your stomach twisted as she leaned over, puckering her lips for a kiss. Osamu pecked her lips quickly and turned towards you.

“Hey, I’m Osamu,” he greeted, smiling widely at you. Your heart skipped. “I heard ya like umeboshi onigiri so I made you some.”

“Th-thank you,” you stuttered. “I’m Y/n. It’s nice to meet you.”

“It’s nice to finally meet ya,” Osamu said. “Was starting to think ya were avoiding me!”

“More like she was avoiding me,” your mom said. “She was always a daddy’s girl.”

“Oh?” Osamu asked, looking at you. Your cheeks burned. “Well, I’d never try to replace yer dad, but if ya ever need some daddy/daughter time, I’m here for ya.”

You bit the inside of your cheek to keep from saying something stupid.

“I really appreciate that,” you said.

“Oh, I’m so glad you two are getting along already!” Your mom squealed. She carried the takoyaki to the table and smiled as she sat down. “Dinner is finally ready.”

“Itadakimasu,” you mumbled, already loading your plate up with onigiri and the other food on the table.

“So, how is university going?” Your mom asked.

You shrugged as you slurped up some noodles. “It’s going. Made nationals.”

“Oh? What sport do ya play? I don’t think yer mom ever mentioned,” Osamu said. You rolled your eyes. Of course she hadn’t mentioned volleyball, it wasn’t like you’d been playing since elementary school or anything.

“Volleyball,” you said. “I was on the Niiyama girls team in high school. Hoping to go pro after uni.”

“Volleyball? I played in high school! My brother, Atsumu, and I were on the Inarizaki team,” Osamu exclaimed.

“Not Miya Atsumu, right?” You asked, excitedly. “MSBY Black Jackals Miya Atsumu?”

“The very one!” Osamu said.

“No way! They’re my favourite team! I have a signed poster in my room, it’s my prized possession!” I exclaimed. “I heard a few members are going to the Olympics this year.”

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me she plays volleyball,” Osamu said, glancing at your mom.

“Must’ve slipped my mind,” your mom said.

“We should go to a game sometimes,” Osamu said. “I can get an extra ticket to the MSBY, Adlers game later this week.”

“That sounds great!” You said, smiling widely.

Your mom ate in relative silence as you and Osamu traded stories about your volleyball times, only ever inputting something every once in a while. After dinner, Osamu found a Sendai Frogs match.

“I’m currently in the nation’s top 3 setters,” you said, proudly. “I’m number two behind Takao Michi.”

“I’ll have to start coming to yer games,” Osamu said. “See ya in action.”

“I’d like that,” you said, honestly.

“Why don’t ya come to work with me tomorrow? I can introduce ya to a few of my friends that are in town,” Osamu said.

“Absolutely,” you said.

“Don’t get me wrong though, I’m putting ya to work while yer there,” Osamu said. Your mom yawned.

“You all have me worn out from all this volleyball talk,” she said. “I’m going to bed.”

“Night, mom,” you said as she stood up.

“Osamu?” She questioned, turning back to glance at him.

“Oh, we’re going to stay up a bit longer,” he said. “The Schweinden Adlers have a match after the Frogs.”

“Oh, okay,” she said. You could hear the disappointment in her voice.

Osamu waited until you heard the bedroom door click shut before speaking.

“I know this is probably too much information about yer mom but she must think I’m some sex robot,” Osamu said, huffing. “A guy can only do so much.”

You crinkled your nose. “Gross, I did not need to know that.” You tried to hold steady but laughter bubbled up through your lips. Osamu laughed loudly and you joined him, holding your gut with how hard you were laughing.

“We need- we need to be- to be quiet!” Osamu laughed. “She’s trying to- tryin’ to sleep.”

You giggled a few more times before quieting down.

“So, how old are ya?” Osamu asked, standing up. “Old enough for a beer?”

“I’m twenty-one,” you said. “Old enough for a beer.”

“We got wine coolers if ya would rather have that,” Osamu said, stepping into the kitchen.

“Please,” you said. “So, how old are you? Can’t help but notice you’re quite a bit younger than my mom.”

“Twenty-five, twenty-six in October,” he said, grabbing a beer and a wine cooler out of the fridge.

“Follow up question,” you said, “and I don’t mean any offence, I’m sure she’s great in some ways, but why my mom? I mean, surely there’s no shortage of people your age that are wanting you.”

Osamu took a long drink from his beer before answering. “Ask me after I’ve drunk a few of these.”

You pursed your lips and took a sip of your fruity drink. “Fine,” you said. “Then let’s play a game. Every time the Adlers score, I’ll ask you a question and every time the Tachibana Red Falcons score, you get to ask me a question.”

“Deal,” Osamu said.

“Oh! Score!” You exclaimed, throwing your hands up. “Another untouchable spike by Ushiwaka!”

“Shush, yer mom,” Osamu giggled. You rolled your eyes and chugged the rest of your fifth drink.

“You shush, it’s my turn,” you said, plopping down on the couch next to Osamu. “So, now tell me,” You hiccupped. “My bad. Now tell me, why my mom? Why not someone your age? Because I’m gonna- I’m gonna be honest, you’re hot and my mom is, like, she’s not, like, ugly, but, like, she’s, like, fifty.”

“I could just like cougars,” Osamu teased. You rolled your eyes and popped the top on your next drink.

“Tell the, the truth, ‘Samu,” you slurred.

“Fine, but this stays between us, as best friends,” he said.

“Bee ef efs,” you slurred.

“Yer mom helped fund my restaurant,” he said. “So, I felt bad. She’s so nice and sweet. So, I married her.”

“Now you have a step kid that’s only four years younger than you,” you said.

“Yeah, she didn’t really mention ya before we got married,” he said. Osamu leaned in close to you. “She didn’t mention how attractive ya were either.”

Your cheeks flushed. You turned your head away from him, looking back to the television.

“Oh, Falcons scored,” you said. “It’s your turn to ask a question.”

Osamu took a sip of his beer before speaking. “Why have ya been avoidin’ yer mom?”

You took a large gulp from your drink. “I haven’t been avoiding her,” you lied. Osamu blinked at you slowly.

“Fine, fine!” You exclaimed. You sipped from your drink, then responded, “Mainly because she remarried so quickly after Dad died. And to someone only four years older than me. But we’ve never been close. She and I never really saw eye-to-eye. She was the love of my dad’s life and he was just another guy to her. Not to mention, she’s never been remotely interested in anything in my life, she’s always been so self-absorbed. I doubt she even knew I still played volleyball, that’s probably why she didn’t mention it to you.”

Osamu stayed silent as you chugged the remainder of your drink.

“I know it’s probably not comforting, but I’ll be there for ya if ya need me,” Osamu said. “Even if yer mom and I separate, I consider ya a friend now.”

Osamu’s words were oddly comforting. You nodded as you reached for yet another wine cooler.

“I’m oddly comforted,” you said, popping the top easily. You fiddled with the top, thinking of what to say next.

“Another Falcons score,” Osamu said. “My turn again.”

“Question away,” you said.

“Can’t think of any,” Osamu said. He yawned.

“Tired already?” You teased, elbowing him in the side. “Old man.”

“I’m twenty-five,” he argued, yawning again. “But I am going to bed. Let’s call a rain check on our game.”

“Deal,” you said, raising your bottle to him. “Might as well go to bed, too. Night, Samu.”

“Night, Y/n,” Osamu said, standing up. He stretched out before padding down the hallway to your mom’s room.

You sighed loudly once you heard the door click shut. You gulped down your drink. “Good going, Y/n. You finally found a guy you like and he’s your stepdad.”

You finished your drink before gathering all the empty bottles and cans, throwing them in the recycling before walking towards your room. You collapsed onto your unmade bed and passed out before your head hit the pillow.

“Two salted salmon onigiri,” you said, placing the plate in front of the professional volleyball player. “And onion soup.”

“Go ahead and join them,” Osamu said, placing a few plates on the same table. “I’ll bring you out some umeboshi onigiri.”

“Thanks,” you said. You could barely contain your excitement as you took a seat between Miya Atsumu and Bokuto Koutarou.

“So, yer a setter?” Atsumu asked, taking a bite of his onigiri. You nodded.

“Number two in the nation,” you said.

“She’s better than you were, Tsumu!” Hinata Shoyo exclaimed. You smiled widely.

“In high school, I was ranked number one under nineteen in my second and third years,” you said. “I even got to play in the junior Olympics in high school. We only won silver, though.”

“We’re playing the Olympics this year,” Bokuto said. “And a few of our friends from the Adlers.”

“Kageyama Tobio, Ushijima Wakatoshi, and Hoshimiumi Kourai?” You asked. “I’ve been keeping up with everyone considered for the Olympics.”

“Maybe you’ll be playing in the next Olympics,” Sakusa said.

“That’s the goal,” you said, smiling. Osamu set a plate in front of you. “Thank you.”

“So our little star setter is here for the next week,” Osamu said, placing a strong hand on your shoulder. “We should play a game while she’s down, see how good she really is.”

“I’m game!” Bokuto exclaimed. “I wanna see those number two in the nation skills!”

“Probably nowhere near the level of you guys,” you said.

“We do have a few years on ya,” Atsumu said, ruffling your hair.

“Literally only four,” you said, fixing your hair.

“Leave the kid alone, Tsumu,” Osamu said.

“Hey, she’s my niece now, I reserve the right to tease her,” Atsumu said.

“Uncle Tsumu,” you teased.

“That’s right, Uncle Tsumu and Daddy Samu,” Atsumu said.

Your stomach flipped as the MSBY boys laughed. Osamu looked down at you and winked. You clenched your thighs together.

“All right, quiet down before ya disturb my payin’ guests,” Osamu said.

“Lunch on Samu-kun!” Hinata exclaimed. Osamu rolled his eyes.

“Once yer finished, I want ya back in the kitchen,” Osamu said. He rubbed your back before walking into the kitchen.

“So, you plan on going professional after university?” Bokuto asked.

You nodded as the table fell into casual conversation.

“I already have offers to go play in France and Brazil,” you said, taking a bite of your onigiri.

“Brazil is fantastic,” Hinata said. “I played there for a while.”

“You liked it? I’ve been debating back and forth between the two. Can’t decide which one I would enjoy more,” you said. “Does Brazil have good food?”

“The best! Unless you’re looking for Japanese food,” Hinata said. “There’s no good Japanese food.”

“Noted,” you said, smiling.

“What are you studying in school?” Sakusa asked.

“Education,” you said. “If volleyball doesn’t work out I want to teach Japanese in another country.”

“Smart,” Sakusa said.

“So, any boyfriends? Girlfriends? Significant others?” Atsumu asked.

You laughed. “With what time?”

“Oh, come on, there has to be someone!” Atsumu exclaimed. “We all find time for a lil’ somethin’.”

“There was a girl,” you admitted. “On my volleyball team, but we both cared more about volleyball than each other.”

“Any crushes?” Bokuto asked. He winked at you and flexed his arms playfully.

You pursed your lips. “And why should I tell you if I do?”

“Because we’re all best friends now!” Hinata shouted, slamming his hand on the table. He ignored the looks from the other customers.

“There is this guy I have my eye on,” you said. “He’s tall, nice, and beefy as hell.”

“Ooo, tell us more,” Bokuto said.

You shook your head. “No use talking about him. He’s strictly off limits.”

“He’s gay,” Atsumu said, nodding his head.

“What?! No!” You laughed. “He’s taken.”

“Ah, university relationships aren’t always serious, you can probably still get him,” Hinata said, waving away your worries.

“He’s married,” you said. The boys all hissed in sympathy.

“Ask for a threesome,” Atsumu said. Your face must’ve shown your disgust because the boys all laughed at you.

“She must be ugly,” Bokuto said.

“We don’t get along the best,” you said. You sighed as you looked down at your empty plate.

“Better get to work before Daddy Samu grounds you,” Atsumu teased.

You rolled your eyes, but stood up.

“It was nice meeting you guys,” you said. “I hope we can get a game together before I leave.”

“Oh, we definitely will,” Bokuto said.

“I’ll hold you to it,” you said, smiling. You waved bye to them as you entered the kitchen.

Osamu was leaned over the stove top, stirring a large pot of soup.

“Have fun?” He asked, wiping sweat off his brow with the towel thrown over his shoulder. You nodded.

“They were all super nice,” you said. “I feel like we’re actually friends now.”

“That’s good,” Osamu said, smiling at you. “Ya wanna start putting together a couple of onigiri?”

“No problem,” you said, washing your hands quickly.

“We need five salted salmon and three umeboshi,” Osamu said. “And then out to table three.”

“Got it,” you said.

The rest of the day went by relatively quickly and smoothly. It was finally around midnight when the last customers finally left and you and Osamu could close down shop.

“Come into my office and I’ll show you how to count all the money,” Osamu said, locking the main doors.

You followed him into his small office.

“Okay, whenever you count the money, make sure the door is closed and locked behind you,” Osamu said, closing the door behind him.

You held your breath as he slowly slid past you, your chest brushing against his.

“A lil’ cramped in here, sorry,” Osamu said, sitting at his desk.

“It’s fine,” you mumbled, sitting in the folding chair next to him.

“So, d’ya have a good day?” Osamu asked, casually thumbing through bills.

You nodded. “It was good! It was nice meeting your friends. I really liked them.”

“Ooo, any of ‘em catch yer eye?” Osamu teased. You rolled your eyes.

“I already have my eye on someone,” you said.

“Oh?” Osamu questioned.

“He’s taken though,” you said. “Strictly off limits.”

“Ask for a threesome,” he said.

You laughed loudly. “Funny, Atsumu said the same thing. But no, I don’t get along with his wife.”

“Wife? That sucks,” he said, placing a wad of cash in an envelope.

“Yeah,” you agreed.

“Well, I, for one, think yer a catch,” Osamu said, sealing the envelope. “Anyone would be lucky to have ya.”

“Thanks, Samu,” you said, face burning. He patted your thigh.

“Anytime, princess,” Osamu said. You clenched your thighs together at the new nickname. “Well, we’re all done here, let’s get home.”

You trailed after him like a lost puppy as he double checked all the appliances were off and flipping the lights off.

You shivered as you stepped into the cool, night air.

“Cold?” Osamu asked, already peeling off his Onigiri Miya hoodie.

“Yeah, a little,” you said, gladly taking the hoodie from him. You tugged it over your head and breathed deeply. “Smells good. Half expected it to smell like onigiri.”

“It will soon,” Osamu said, smiling. “It’s new. Just got the shipment in last week.”

“I’ll have to get one,” you said.

“Keep it,” Osamu said. “Ya look cute in it.”

You blushed deeply. You bumped his shoulder with yours gently.

“It’s like, way too big,” you said.

Osamu shrugged. “Oversized is in. Besides, I thought girls loved to steal guys’ hoodies.”

“Yeah, guys they like,” you said.

“Well, ya took it from me,” Osamu said, bumping your shoulder. “Ya must like me a little.”

“Whatever,” you said, cheeks burning. Osamu laughed.

“Someone has a crush!” He sang.

“Shut up! I don’t have a crush on you,” you said.

“Ya did call me hot last night,” he said.

“I was drunk, so it doesn’t count,” you said. He rolled his eyes obnoxiously.

“Ya have a crush on me, just admit it,” Osamu said. “I won’t tell anyone, pinky promise.”

“You’re my stepdad, in case you forgot,” you replied. “That’s basically incest, isn’t it?”

“So ya admit it?” Osamu asked. You shoved him playfully.

“I actually have a crush on Atsumu,” you said. “He’s the hotter twin.”

Osamu pushed you into an alley and caged you against the cool bricks of a building.

“Oh?” Osamu said. “Ya think Atsumu is the hotter twin?”

You nodded slowly as Osamu looked down at you.

“It’s the hair,” you squeaked.

“Oh, yeah, forgot that girls love a guy who doesn’t know what toner is,” Osamu said, leaning down. “I think yer lying.” His nose was nearly touching yours.

“I’m not,” you mumbled. Osamu’s hands moved from either side of your head to your hips.

“You are,” Osamu whispered, lips brushing against your ear. You shivered.

“And if I am?” You asked.

“I don’t like bad girls,” Osamu said. “Lying is grounds for punishment.”

“Punishment?” You asked.

“I’d bend ya over my knee and spank ya until ya begged for mercy,” he said. You sucked in a sharp breath.

“It’s a good thing I’m not lying, then,” you said. By now, Osamu’s lips were nearly against yours, so close you could feel the heat from his breath on your lips.

Osamu ground his hips against yours, firmly pressing his hard on against you.

You bit your lip and glanced down. His cock was straining against his jeans, eager to be released.

“Tell the truth and I’ll think about not putting ya over my knee,” Osamu said, lips softly brushing against yours.

“You’re the hotter twin,” you said, putting your arms around his neck. “And I have a crush on you. And I want you to fuck me in this alley.”

“There we go,” Osamu said. He finally kissed you roughly, like he wanted to devour you. You moaned as he ground against you.

“Samu,” you moaned, pulling back. He wasted no time, kissing down your neck, sucking and biting at your sensitive skin.

“Been thinkin’ about pushin’ this lil’ skirt up all day,” he growled, pushing your skirt up around your waist, revealing the pretty pink lace of your underwear.

“Please,” you gasped as he shoved his jeans and underwear down, releasing his cock. You nearly moaned at the sight of it, long and thick and leaking precum from the swollen tip.

“Gonna wreck this cute little cunt,” Osamu said, tugging your underwear down and letting them fall to the ground. He dragged the tip of his cock through your wet folds, teasing your clit and hole.

“Is- Is that a piercing I feel?” You asked, feeling cool metal against your warm folds.

“I’ll give ya a closer look later,” he said, teasingly pushing the tip in and out of your hole. “Wanna be in ya now.”

“Fill me up, please, Samu,” you begged, digging your fingernails into his skin. Your walls fluttered around nothing as he lifted you up. You instinctively wrapped your legs around his waist.

“Good girl,” he muttered, lining his cock up with your hole. “Beg for my cock, princess.”

“Please, please, please!” You cried. “Want your cock in me, need it! Please, Samu, want you to fill me up.”

“Of course, baby girl, anything for my princess,” Osamu said, kissing you softly. He rutted his hips up into you, stretching you out suddenly.

You moaned loudly and let your head fall on Osamu's broad shoulder.

“So big,” you moaned. “Hurts.”

“Shh, shh, yer takin’ me so well, baby,” Osamu said. “Squeezin’ me so tight, wanna bust just bein’ in ya.”

You whimpered as Osamu slowly pulled out. He pushed back in slowly, giving you time to adjust to each inch. Your walls clenched around him, sucking him in deeper and deeper until the swollen tip was kissing your cervix.

“Fuck,” he hissed. “Gonna ruin ya.” Osamu pulled out until just the tip was in and slammed back into you.

You gasped loudly as his cock breached your cervix, going deeper than anything had ever been in you and stretching you more than anything ever had.

“Samu!” You cried, throwing your head back and digging your nails into the nape of his neck. “Fuck, harder, please!”

“Feel that, baby? I’m so deep in ya,” Osamu said. “Fuckin’ past your cervix, yeah?”

You nodded as you bit back your moans as Osamu pounded into you. You buried your head into his shoulder and bit down, quieting your too loud moans.

“Next time, ‘m gonna have ya somewhere ya can be loud as ya want,” Osamu grunted. “Wanna hear yer pretty, little moans.”

You let out a soft moan in his ear and he snapped his hips up harder into you.

“Ah, Samu,” you moaned, struggling to keep your volume down. “Gonna cum.”

He pinched your clit as you gushed around his cock. You looked down to where your bodies met and watched as your juices leaked down his cock, dripping on his heavy balls. You moaned.

“Gonna fill ya up, baby,” he growled lowly. “Come ‘ere.”

He pulled your head up by your hair and squeezed your cheeks until your mouth fell open, tongue lolling out. He gathered spit in his mouth and spat it on your waiting tongue.

“Don’t swallow,” he said. He kissed you deeply, licking into your mouth and sucking your tongue. He kissed you messily, spit running down your chin and a thin strand of it connecting you two when he finally pulled back.

“Such a messy, little slut,” he said, slamming his hips against yours. “Taking my spit so well. Gonna take my cum like that?”

You nodded, unable to speak beyond gasps and moans as his cock abused your cunt.

“Can’t speak? Fucked ya dumb, huh?” Osamu asked. He chuckled. “My cock makin’ ya dumb, little baby?”

You whined. God, you wanted him to fill you up so bad.

“Cum. Inside.” You gasped out.

“Oh? Want me t’ breed ya? Make ya big and swollen with my baby?” Osamu asked, hips moving faster.

You nodded furiously. He rubbed your clit in tight, fast circles.

“Cream ‘round my cock one more time, baby,” he grunted.

“Samu!” You exclaimed. Your stomach tightened as your walls fluttered like crazy.

“Yeah? Gonna cum again for me?” Osamu asked. You let out a high pitched moan as the coil in your stomach snapped.

“Fill me up, please!” You moaned as you came. Osamu’s hips stuttered as he pushed into you deeply before painting your womb white. You cried out, letting your head rest against his shoulder as he moaned.

“Fuck, yer still so tight around my cock,” he hissed. Your walls fluttered. “Perfect little cunt, princess. Milkin’ me dry like a good girl.”

You whimpered as he slowly pulled out. Your legs went limp, falling from his waist.

“Can’t stand,” you mumbled, legs shaking with the weak attempt you made. Osamu held you up as he pulled his pants back up and pulled your panties back on.

“Come here, baby,” he said, swooping you up bridal style. “Let’s go home, princess.”

You nodded lamely as he carried you. You must’ve fallen asleep, because the next thing you heard was Osamu talking to your mother.

“She was practically dead on her feet,” Osamu said. “Fell asleep while I was counting the money.”

“You could’ve called, I would’ve brought the car,” your mom said. You felt Osamu shrug.

“It was no problem,” Osamu said.

“Well, go lay her down in her bed,” your mom said. “Then maybe she’ll be out for the rest of the night.” You frowned at her suggestive tone and cuddled deeper into Osamu’s chest.

“I’ll go lay her down,” Osamu said. He carried you down the hall and entered your bedroom carefully.

As he laid you down, you grabbed his arm and whined, “Don’t go.”

“I’m sorry, baby,” he whispered. “I gotta go to my own bed.”

“Don’t- Don’t fuck her,” you mumbled. “Please.”

“Don’t worry, princess,” he said, softly brushing your hair out of your face. “It’s only you from now on.” You nodded. Osamu kissed your forehead before leaving you alone.

You blinked once, twice, before you were asleep.

#cai writes #samu thoughts #tw cheating #miya osamu smut #osamu miya smut #haikyuu smut #timeskip miya osamu #miya osamu #osamu miya #tw:incest

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suckmybigtoeoikawa · 2 years

Note

Could you do a Ushijima, kiyoomi, and osamu fic where their s/o bites their butt😃⁉️

Also I love your vibe let’s be friends🤰

shoot id bite their ass any day 🧍🏾‍♀️… and sureeee i’d love to be friends (i’m just hella awkward)

Ushijima

“yeah i’ll be done soon” you and Ushijimas conversation was coming to an end. Prior to the conversation you guys were talking about how much ass can someone hold on their body.

25 minutes before

“i just don’t think that Aunt Fanny could hold all that ass on her yk, like i know she’s a robot but gah daum” you exclaim

“y/n, i don’t understand why we’re arguing about a cartoon characters butt” says ushijima. He always loved how you would just talk about some weird shit, it really made him think.

“i don’t know.. you wanna watch Robots (yk the movie)” you smile

Present time

So now your here about to go watch Robots, just because y’all were talking about Aunt Fanny :))

you ushijima was getting the movie set up in your bedroom while you were getting one of his hoodies.

“what do you think its on” he asks “uhm it should be on hbo max or hulu, i think?”

there’s some silence, but the only thing audible the sound of the remote. you make your way back into your bedroom and sit on the bed waiting for him.

“ahh, i found it” he smiles, he’s so cute. he does this thing that when he figures something out he��ll go “ah” like a little huff yk. like a lil satisfied noise :))

“yay, an you turn it up a little bit please”

“yeah” he walks up to the tv (cause for some reason y’all lost the actual tv remote so you have to control using the Tv buttons) and bends down a bit to see the buttons.

Since y’all were on the topic of asses. his ass was looking real good… you just wanted to bite it and that’s exactly what you were gonna do.

“do you need a light, love?”

“uh… yes, my love”

you quickly get up and he stands up a little bit to look at you.

“look back down to find it” he follows your words, and you place a hand on his back as he leans. “hey y/n can you tur-” *CHOMP*

*audible silence*

he slowly rises up and looks down at you, you never felt so small in your life bro.

“now y/n… why’d you do that”

“you ass looked so good”

“okay now give me yours”

“i beg ya pardon 😀”

***

kiyoomi

In the public he was always so well behaved and reserved. but man when he’s around you he’s different. he’s still calm and thoughtful and making fun of Atsumu, but he’s a lot more playful.

You and your boyfriend always play pranks on each other, just for the hell of it. You started the pranks first in your relationship and he just does them back to get back at you, then it’s a while repeating cycle.

“hey, kiyoomi” you say in a teasing way, it’s always satisfying to hear you say his name, he loves it.

“yes, my love?”

“so i heard from atsumu, that you said that i have a pretty butt”

he just looks up at you and his face gets red. “w-what?”

“so it wasn’t true??”

“no no you do, i’m just surprised.. that he told you that” he’s still visibly flustered

“mhmm, i just came to tell you, that you have the fattest ass ever”

“oh my god” he rolls his eyes playfully and walks off into the kitchen

shoot you weren’t lying. when he walks that shit jiggles, baddie with the fattie 😩

7:20 pm

“hey dinner is almost ready” he says through the phone

“okay i’m coming right now”

when you open up the door to your office the smell of whatever Kiyoomi was cooking was blessing your nostrils.

you walk down to the kitchen and spot kiyoomi who has his hair in a lil mini ponytail with some strands coming out (HE’S SO FINE 😩) and has is still sitting mixing whatever was in the dish he was making.

you walk over to him and put your hands around his waist and your head on his shoulder. “whatcha making” “i’m makin-” he gets cut off as you squeeze his ass “y/n.. keep your hands to yourself” “okay okay”

“Anyways” he continues to explain the dish he’s making “can you grab the plates out?” he asks. “yes sir”

while you grab the dishes you just can’t help but look at how good his ass looks again, but this time you gotta a get a bite, like come on it would be wrong. of you not to.

so you place the dishes down next to the stove top where he was cooking. “thank you, lovely.. can you also check on the rice, i think it’s done…y/n..” *CHOMP*

he jumps bro and it sends you flying back, i swear a straight up K.O.

“WHY THE HELL??!”

“you said i had to keep my hands to myself ,so i used my mouth”

“THAT WAS A FEELING I NEVER WANT TO FEEL AGAIN, Y/N”

“omi are you lying to me, i know you liked it:((”

“.. next time just don’t do it so hard”

****

Osamu

Osamu is always touching you or groping you in some way. While out shopping he slaps you ass, or if your looking at something he’ll come up behind you and grip onto your hips. yk just anything.

so now you do the same thing to him. You slap his ass in front of his brother, and you grab on to HIS HUMONGOUS TITTIES. so something like this is always normal.

But one thing that always pissed you off was Osamu would always want to bug you while you slept, he’d often come lay in the bed with you and kiss your face and feel on your ass just to wake you up so he can tell you that he bought a new spice or some shit.

so now it was revenge time 😏

Currently he was sleeping, he was taking a nap because he was exhausted from running the restaurant. They had just put a new item on the menu and it was really successful.

you walk into the room and see his sleeping figure, he’s so cute when he sleeps his hair all messed up and his lips slightly parted, SO CUTE 😩

“‘samu.. you awake?” no response, great.

you climb onto your side of the bed and slowly push the covers off of him until you see gigantic and juicy ass.

*CHOMP* *CHOMP* *CHOMP*

you gave this man 3 bites.. and all he does is groan

“mmm, y/n keep doing that”

“WHAT THE FUCK?!!”

Masterlist

Have a great day and eat food and drink water!!!

#suckmybigtoeoikawa #sakusa headcanons #sakusa imagines #sakusa x reader #osamu headcannons #osamu imagines #osamu x reader #ushijima headcanons #ushijima imagines #ushijima x reader #sakusa kiyoomi #miya osamu #osamu miya #ushijima wakatoshi

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hanafubukki · 2 years

Note

YESS DEVELOPER FEED US WITH VIL HAPPY MOMMENT YAY ✧⁺⸜(●˙▾˙●)⸝⁺✧

I love seeing him laughing and being a normal teenager because I think sometimes he forget that he' s a teenager and being to though to him self. (╯︵╰,)

That's why seeing Vil happy is something priceless (〃∀〃)ゞ

And yes.. Poor Yuu have go through a lot of things.. (ﾉ_-;)…

And every chapter the more intense the problem each dorm served. From facing a strict dorm leader first OB experience, and then being a detective searching for answers of how weird the students gets hurt and fighting OB Leona who cheated on the competition. Giving our dorm to Azul and at the end we fight him as an ob as well. Getting trapped in Scarabia and felt all of the training that is of course very tiring, and fight OB Jamil at the end. Being a manager, manage a team alone with the help of Vil, the dream of great seven strated to get wild, Mickey, seeing someone almost committee murder (poisoning Neige), fight Vil in his OB. And sneakinh into a SECRET ORGANIZATION that is not a lot of people can get into (๑•̀д•́๑) and all of the phantom thing, Yuu almost experience death shoot bye a styx robot, and now they will face TWO OB at the same time. Surely Yuu is very though.

And

OH MY I NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT I ALWAYS THINK THOESE GOLDS STATEMENT ARE PRETTY WEIRD (°o°:)

Ah yes my beloved friend time loop theory of course i wouldn't forget you (´º∀º｀)

But yes if the time loop theory is correct that could lead to a lots of mess (　-̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥᷄◞ω◟-̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥᷅ )

Yes chapter 7 is very unpredictable after what happen with chapter 6 (´Д｀。

What kind of suprise Yana sensei will gave us （｡>‿‿<｡）

YES EMOTICON ANONIE I AGRREEE Happy Vil and always so freaking precious and I am always here for it!!! and i agreeee, those moments wiht vil are the best! I absoluetly love Union birthday cards for vil and Beans day 2 for that. you have VIl and Rook laughing maniacially anf Epel scared for his life lmfaoooo ☺️🌺

I cant wait to see him in more future events, it will surely be wonderful. 👏👏

YEEESSS I AM READY TO TAKE YUU, WRAP THEM IN A BLANKET, FEED THEM ALL THE GOOD MEALS, AND LET THEM SLEEP WHILE I HUNT THEIR ENEMIES 🔪😤

they didn't even get to enjoy their winter break! I swear if they dont get a break after chapter 6 I am going to revolt jkdjdsjhjshdukhk🔪🔪

and now that you bring it up, what is up with mickey?!?! he freaks me out. I would definitely broken the mirror if I was yuu. I have a feeling that mickey and the ghost camera is going to become a key part of the story.

you know what I think? what if the time loop happens or the story resents, and the ghost camera help Yuu convince others about what happens and the OBs? what if its like a memory store device that will basically remind everyone what happened??? 🤔🤔🤔🤔

YES ANONE YES 🤝🤝 I especially started paying attention to lessons after the whole rook thing. you have trey talking about how the queen isn't always right or you dont always have to obey them. then you have rook....and he talks about the beauty of betrayal 😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣

I noticed how silver and malleus brings up the topic about gold and its either just an alchemy thing because you know gold but what if it ties to the story? Malleus is a dragon after all, or maybe it has something to do with his history??

and speaking of history, that's something that Malleus and Lilia always talks about in train class. so im wondering if either history has been warped, maybe time loop theory, or maybe they know something that the others dont know? especially since rook and trey were Vice dorm leaders, and Lilia is one too so maybe he is a clue 🤔🤔🤔

im hoping its not time loop theory 😭😭😭😭because not only pain...but also I NEED DIASOMNIA CRUMBS! PLEASE, OUR WELL HAS BEEN DRY WE NEED SOME WATER SJSLKJJKS

oh anonie! but what if...what if malleus reverses time? we see the opening and malleus using magic and we know he can stop time... 🤔🤔

....I dont think any one of us will be ready anonie 😭😭 but we got this 👏👏👏

also ahhhhh cant wait for dorm ssr cards for diasomnia jxhjsxdjkshjdh

you know what theory I hope it not true? ace betrayal theory. 😭😭😭 I swear I will throw a pie at his face.

What do you think emoticon anonie?

#answered #anonie ask #🤗emoticon anon #disney tw spoilers #English twisted wonderland spoilers #twst chapter 6 spoilers #twisted wonderland #twst theories #hanas thoughts

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siren-dragon · 3 years

Text

Do Androids Bleed Silver? (Ch.1) -- The Cat Returns fanfic

Hey everyone, I wrote another story and this time it isn’t a one-shot but a chaptered one. Yay! This is my first time doing a sci-fi story, so if it seems a little strange or odd, I apologize but I wanted to get something out before I go on vacation. Anyway, hope you all enjoy it! Also tagging @catsafarithewriter because they have been a wonderful support and inspiration.

Ao3 story link

Summary: Cyberpunk/Android AU

=============================================

‘Next stop; Shibuya Station. I repeat, next stop Shibuya Station.’ The automated voice sounded over the train intercom, ‘please wait until the train comes to a complete stop and stand away from the opening doors before disembarking.’

Looking down at the half-crumbled note in her hand, Haru took hold of her frayed but well-loved duffle bag and stood from her seat. “I guess this is my stop,” she muttered aloud before the exiting the train and out of the station.

In the year of 2207, the use of androids and cybernetics had advance to a level where their use was a common practice and the backbone of modern society; even in her much smaller hometown. But after entering Shibuya Crossing- Haru felt her backwater home was definitely not on the same level as Tokyo. The famed metropolis was well regarded as the forefront of robotics and cybernetics throughout the entire world but the invention of CREATIONS was the achievement that truly put the city into a category all of its own. Though technically possessing a robotics classification, many who’ve had the chance to see a CREATION regarded them as so life-like, it was almost as if their creator had conjured life itself….

And it was part of the reason why Haru wanted to study robotics in Tokyo; as the only robots that her hometown possessed were generic models of the Alpha and Beta-Classes. She wanted to see the daily technological wonders always taking place in Tokyo. But in truth, the real reason Haru wanted to go was because she loved to help others and repair problems. It was why she decided to study robotics and cybernetics in the first place- with the exception of her apparent talent in the field.

At first, many had viewed the cheery but ultimately clumsy brunette to be a bit of a hazard; and it wasn’t exactly a secret to Haru herself either. She could remember constantly stumbling on her impromptu runs to high school after having slept in- or when she once tripped cleaning the trash disposal unit in the classroom and ended up spilling the contents everywhere. But the moment she sat behind the small desk in her bedroom among the clutter of spare parts and tools, her once graceless movements sharpened and Haru would smile as she’d begin to skillfully repair whatever tech the residents of her hometown brought her. So, with the encouragement of Hiromi and Tsuge, she applied for various internships everywhere in Tokyo in the attempt to join someone’s Workshop team.

And it seemed that only one person was willing to give her a chance…

Walking further into the depths of Shibuya Haru gazed in amazement at the 3D holographic displays and looming skyscrapers that was a far cry from her small hometown. The streets were littered with people possessing a variety of enhancements the young woman had only seen before in adverts that managed to be broadcasted back home. Quickly shaking off her awe and hurryingly pulling out her note of directions once more, Haru began the walk away from the train station and towering skyscrapers while weaving her way through the small alleyways, the brunette teenager came to a halt once more on a rather isolated street. Glancing down once more at the paper in her hand, Haru glanced up at the sight before her with a bit of surprise.

“This… is the Bureau?” Haru spoke, looking at the old, neon green sign that flickered slightly with a smaller neon sign saying the Workshop was open beside an open doorway that was partially blocked by a dark noren curtain. Next to what was meant to be the entryway into the shop was a pair of roll-up garage doors- one of which was already lifted up to reveal the illuminated Workshop within. Tools ranging from chisels and wrenches of all sizes to a designated soldering station, making her maple-colored eyes glow with delight.

“If you don’t have any business Chicky, keep walking. This isn’t a museum.” A gruff voice sounded, causing her to jump slightly.

Standing up from beside what, to Haru’s surprise, was an AeroCycle on a hydraulic lift was probably the largest man the young woman had ever seen. He was tall and rather stout with ivory crew-cut hair and a dark stubble about his mouth and chin while dark brown eyes gave her an unimpressed stare as he crossed his arms; with the left being a robotic prosthesis baring a shade reminiscent of a dark coffee. As the man took in her short height, petite frame, and slightly disheveled ponytail; Haru only hoped he didn’t immediately send her back home based on looks alone- after all, she knew her appearance didn’t exactly scream ‘mechanic’.

“Well? Do you have business here or not Chicky?” He asked again, a hint of impatience coloring his tone.

“Sorry sir, my name is Haru Yoshioka… I’m the intern assistant you made the offer to.”

It was here a skeptical eyebrow lifted as his hands soon went to his hips. Haru mentally scrambled for a way to defend her skills should this man end up turning her away, but he only asked one question. “Can you cook?”

“…Yes?” Haru answered, still a little confused.

“Show me; head up there and make something then bring it over. We’ll talk after.” And with that said, the man returned to his work on the AeroCycle without another word.

Haru could only stare with a slightly dumbfounded expression before letting loose a soft sigh and followed his brief and general directions. Up a set of steel stairs lay a large viewing window, which oversaw the garage, and another door that lead into the living quarters that was surprisingly clean; if a bit cluttered. To the left lay a small kitchenette while the right had a simple living room and a corridor that led further into the flat. Turning to the kitchen and figuring not to keep the man who’d likely become her boss waiting, Haru was quick to fix a lunch from a hamburger steak with a fried egg on top and rice (it was either that or one of the instant ramen containers nestled in the pantry) and returned to see the stout man now talking to a customer while gesturing to the AeroCycle. “Next time learn to drive properly bird-brain.”

“And I told you before, lard-ball, it crashed during a chase!” The customer, who was dressed in a police officers’ uniform, snapped in response all the while glaring at the mechanic.

The mechanic merely grinned savagely, as if he was used to the explosive behavior from the officer. “While you were chasing what? A nearby bird.”

“As if you’re one to talk, you over-sized marshmallow. I’m surprised you can even climb the stairs to your flat without them snapping from the strain.”

“You say that again, you big chicken!”

“Umm… excuse me,” Haru spoke up, causing both men to swerve their heads to her immediately. “Is everything alright? I’ve got the lunch ready.”

“Thanks, Chicky, I’ll just take that off your hands.” The larger of the two men spoke, retrieving the succulent smelling meal with a gleam in his eyes, “and congratulations- you pass my test; welcome to The Bureau. The name’s Muta and this idiot here is Bird-Brain, a regular.”

“The name is Officer Toto Tsubame, nice to meet you and please, ignore this fatso.” Toto replied instead, bowing in greeting with a kind smile. “Are you new to the district? You are a bit young to be on your own…”

While Muta was large and hefty, Toto was his complete opposite with a slim frame and long, layered black locks tied into a small ponytail at the nape of his neck; reminding the brunette of a bird’s feathers. His skin was a tad darker than the larger mechanic and his clothes the standard dark navy-blue police uniform with the exception of knee-high shock absorption boots and a black carbon-fiber and titanium woven shirt that rested under the uniform with the cuffs rolled to his elbows. But what truly caught Haru’s attention was the unique dark-grey coloration of his eyes that she had only seen a few times before in holo-books or advertisements. “Oh wow, you have an optical upgrade on your eyes, I’ve never seen that before. That’s really cool…”

Here Toto gave a good-natured laugh, “you’re definitely new to Tokyo if this is your first time seeing something like that, but well spotted. My eyes have been altered with increased monocular vision and can see with UV and Infrared, alongside night vision. Plus, the color is a rather nice aesthetic as well- but that’s enough about me; what brings you here to the city Miss…”

“Haru. Haru Yoshioka, and it’s nice to meet you too.” She smiled, giving a bow of greeting in return. “I am here for an intern job at the Bureau. But, I’m not sure what cooking really has to do with robotics and engineering.”

Muta bit into the hamburger steak and sighed happily as he devoured the plate of food while Toto groaned at the mechanic’s table manners; or lack thereof. “I didn’t want some assistant who couldn’t take care of themselves, I’m not a babysitter. Besides, if you weren’t skilled enough to be here, I wouldn’t have offered you the job in the first place.”

“O-Oh, thank you.” Haru beamed, more than relieved that though he seemed to be rather rough and intimidating, Muta wasn’t that bad- arguing with Toto aside. “I promise I’ll do my best, and thank you for your help Moo-ta.” Haru quickly gasped, raising her hands to her mouth in horror as if attempting to prevent the words from being heard, but it was too late.

“What?! Did you just say Moo? Like I’m some kind of fat cow!”

“No, no, you’re just fat! Oh- um…”

Toto, meanwhile, had lost all pretense of professionalism and started laughing with tears of amusement threatening to spill from his eyes. “Bahahaha! Oh, you’re going to fit in here quite well with nicknames like that Haru. I’m definitely going to be using that one.”

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up bird-brain.” Muta grumbled, glaring at the still chuckling policeman, “and you Chicky- you got anything to say for yourself or to me, your boss?”

Haru gave a nervous smile, “I’m sorry Muta, it really did slip out. Would you accept an Insta-Pudding with my apology?”

The ivory-haired man stared down at her with an irritated look before sighing, “make it an Angel Cake from Osono’s bakery down the street, and we’re even.”

“Coming right up!” The young woman chimed before quickly making her way toward the aforementioned bakery.

Toto and Muta both watched her leave with the former giving a thoughtful hum, “Yoshioka huh? I don’t suppose she wouldn’t happen to be related to Hayata Yoshioka, would she?”

“His daughter apparently, if you’re that curious. And she’s only a few good years younger than you and me, idiot.” Muta answered, releasing the AeroCycle from the hydraulic lift while wiping the oil and grease from his hands. “I didn’t know he had a kid, and thought the name was just a coincidence till I saw the resume file Haru and her friends sent me. She was apparently fixing Alpha-class mechs at 11 years old.”

Toto gave an impressed whistle, “well, she’s certainly her father’s daughter if that’s the case.”

"I thought that too, but it was the fact that she has no personal cyber-enhancements that really sealed the deal." Muta added, that information causing the slim police officer to splutter in shock. "So I thought ‘why not?’ and decided to give her a shot; and it wasn’t like I was going to turn down the help- so here we are. But the fact that she can cook is a definite bonus.”

“Do you ever not think from your stomach?”

“Shut up, bird-brain!”

Toto sighed, “well, just try to keep an eye on her, alright? Not everything is exactly safe here, so if you ever need anything give me a call.”

“Thanks… you big chicken,” Muta answered before giving a devious grin and holding out his hand. “Now for the repairs, that’ll be 3,500 credits.”

“What?! That’s daylight robbery!”

“Is that so? And here I was giving you the ‘Friends and Family’ discount. But if you would rather pay full-price, who am I to deny you that.”

By the time Haru returned to the Workshop, she could hear Toto and Muta starting to argue once more and was glad she decided to buy two cakes in order to pacify both parties. Though slightly nervous about her new job, Haru couldn't help the feeling of joy at the upcoming work ahead of her.

#the cat returns #haru yoshioka #baron humbert von gikkingen #renaldo moon #toto (cat returns)#haru x baron #cyberpunk au #android au #there will be angst later #fanfiction #my writing #other characters and plot to appear later

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latin-dr-robotnik · 3 years

Note

you’re a combo of uwu and too many thots lolol thot and thot solidarity 🤝

Y E S

I thought of where I could fit in best, and too many thots felt like a personal callout so yeah why not haha but uwu? aww thank you! ♥

So... since we're thots... may I interest you in my latest uwu wip I was surely gonna forget about in a few days anyway? It came to me last night during a chat with @dizzydennis 👀👀👀

Prompt goes: Sonic agrees to take Cream out on a small adventure, but Vanilla is completely unaware of that and actually called Amy to come over and take care of Cream while she was out for the day. The end result is Sonic and Amy both fighting over Cream’s care, as Sonic’s proposal might not be as chill as he originally thought.

"He should be here any moment..."

Shortly after their last adventure in Music Plant, Sonic promised to take her out again, this time to a less dangerous yet still adventurous place. The 23rd day after the leaves started falling down was chosen as the date for their next meeting, and Cream waited patiently... until now.

Today's the day Sonic will return, and she's been waiting all day long, leaning on the open window from her bedroom.

"I probably should've told mama about it, don't you think Cheese?"

Her Chao Cheese flew outside and stood in front of her with a concerned look, "chao..."

"Yes, I know... I shouldn't hide things from mama, but I assumed she would be fine with it anyway... maybe I should tell her now, right?"

Cream stepped away from the window, and took a moment to pick up courage to leave her bedroom and talk to her mom. But as she was just about to reach for the door, a voice startled her from downstairs.

"Cream, sweetie, I'm going to be out for a bit." It was Vanilla, ready to go open the front door with one hand, and carrying a bag with the other.

Cream gasped, then opened the door just enough to squeeze her head out the bedroom. "What!? Whe-where are you going, mama?"

"I need to go to the city, buy some things... do you want me to buy you anything in particular?"

Cream hesitated for a second, thinking if she should tell her mom about Sonic right now or not, at the risk of upsetting her or worse... "no... no! I'm fine! Thanks, ha ha!"

"Oookay..." Vanilla opened the door, revealing someone else standing right outside, "oh, by the way, Amy is here to join you while I'm out. Have fun, girls!"

Cream closed the door immediately and held it shut with her body, looking back at Cheese in complete panic, "AMY?!"

Amy entered the house carrying a bag, and slowly walked towards the sofa, "hey Cream! Your mom told me to bring something so I picked up some movies and popcorn for us! I think you're gonna love this!"

Cream didn't say anything, still looking at Cheese, which prompted Amy to leave her things on the couch and come upstairs.

"Hey, you okay?" Amy said, knocking the bedroom door, "something's wrong?"

"Oh, nothing, Ms. Amy!" Cream replied from the other side, refusing to open. "I need to put some things back in place and I'll join you in a bit, don't worry!"

"Fair enough, call me if you need help, though!"

Cream sighed in relief, then jumped right onto her bed, "what are we going to do, Cheese?"

Cheese looked outside the window, confused.

"We got ourselves into this, we need to make up some sort of plan or something, before Mr. Sonic arrives!"

Cheese nodded, and they spent the next 10 minutes thinking about something. Meanwhile, Amy set everything up for the movies, wondering why Cream isn't coming down.

Soon, that feeling of wonder became concern, and Amy went upstairs once again.

"Cream, open this door, please. You're worrying me."

"Okay Cheese, let's hope this goes well..." Cream took a deep breath, then opened the door only to see Amy with her fists on her waist and with a very serious look on her face. "Oh, hey Ms. Amy... I'm so sorry!"

"What was all that about, anyway?"

Cream was clearly uneased by the situation, scratching the back of her head and avoiding eye contact, "Amy, there's something I have to tell you..."

Suddenly, the wind started picking up outside, and Cheese started to fly around the window, weaving arms in panic, "chao! Chao! Chao! Chao! Chao!"

Amy looked extremely confused, but Cream knew exactly what that meant. "Oh, no..."

"Oh no what, Cream? Cream!"

Cream ran downstairs and straight to the front door, Amy chasing after her. A few seconds later, the doorbell rang.

Amy froze in place, "huh? Who's coming now? Cream, stop! Don't open the door to strangers!"

Against her wishes, Cream opened the door, only to reveal a familiar blue hedgehog standing outside.

"Hey Cream, sorry for the delay! There was a bit of traffic, haha." Sonic joked, but noticed Cream was looking down, as if embarrassed by his presence. "Hey, don't tell me you're gonna back out of our plans!"

Cream didn't say a word. Amy, on the other hand, couldn't believe what she was seeing.

"...Sonic?"

"Huh? Amy? Wha-what are you doing here?"

Amy's face suddenly turned to a furious red, "I should be the one asking that question." Then, she grabbed Cream by the shoulder, "CREAMMMMM!"

"Okay, okay!" Cream broke out of Amy's grasp, "Mr. Sonic agreed to take me out today on an adventure, and I... I forgot to tell mama about it!"

Sonic felt a chill running through his spine, "oh, dear..."

Amy facepalmed. "Oh, Cream... why didn't you tell Vanilla that?"

Cream jumped right to hug Amy, tearing up, "I... I was afraid she would say no... I guess I wanted this adventure so so much..."

"It's fine, Cream." Amy comforted her, "but you can't hold things from your mother, you know that... you don't know if she would let you go out or not, but she'll certainly will not let you if you start hiding things from her."

The two stayed hugged for a bit, as Sonic awkwardly stared at them.

"That being said..." Amy broke the silence, "I haven't said no to it yet, and I'm in charge of you today."

Cream's eyes lightened up, "you... you are serious?"

"Yup, I could use some fresh air, and I guess you too. C'mon, go get yourself ready."

Cream stopped hugging Amy, and then happily nodded to her. "Yes! I'll be right back!"

Cream ran back to her bedroom, but Amy stood right where she was, leaning on the door frame with her arms crossed and looking directly at a Sonic sheepishly smiling back.

"So... an adventure, huh?" Amy fired. "You know that can get a bit dangerous out there."

"Well, yes... and no..." Sonic scratched the back of his head, "this adventure... is an amusement park... Adventure Park is its name, off the Golden Bay Zone... should be a pretty chill place."

"A PARK?!" Amy lost her cool for a moment, feeling incredibly upset that Sonic never picked a place for them to go out before.

Sonic took a step back, well, actually, two steps back before Amy calmed down again.

"It's fine, it's fine. I was getting tired of asking you out to the same places anyway."

"Amy..."

Just as the conversation got a lot more awkward, Cream returned from upstairs "Ms. Amy! Mr. Sonic! I'm ready! Uh... Mr. Sonic...? Are you alright? You look a bit pale..."

Sonic shook himself back to his normal cocky self in a super Sonic second.

"Pale? Ha... must be the breeze!" He gestured around, then at a nearby tree... that was completely still. "Alright, you ready for the adventure?"

Sonic turned around and Cream immediately jumped on his back so he can carry her. "Yes! ...hold on, a park?"

"The Adventure... Park." Amy added, still crossing her arms.

"Wait, a park? Mr. Sonic, I wanted to wreck some Eggman robots, you said that's the best thing in the world!"

Sonic raised a finger and gestured negatively, "no no, I told you that was way too dangerous! We're gonna do the second best thing in the world, play some dangerous yet controlled amusement park games!"

Cream let a frustrated sigh out, "okay... but what about Amy? Are you gonna carry her too, Mr. Sonic?"

Sonic turned around nervously, and looked back at Amy then down to his hands, "I... think I can do it."

"I can run there by myself."

Amy closed the door just after Cheese, and so the four of them began their way to Adventure... Park.

The sunny afternoon was the perfect set up for this adventure. The park was spread around the bay coast and offered an amazing view of the entire city from its dedicated looking spot, a massive tower sitting on the westernmost point of the bay.

Down on the ground level, Cream was totally amazed by the park's rollercoasters, bumper cars and many, many green spots surrounded by shops and carts. One cart in particular grabbed her attention.

"Oh, oh!" Cream exclaimed, holding on to Sonic's hand while pointing to a cart with the other, "I want some cotton candy!"

"No, Cream." He said, trying to be a bit more strict than last time they went out together, "Vanilla won't appreciate the fact I allowed you to have sugar before your vegetables!"

"Nah, it's fine. Go grab some, Cream." Amy replied over Sonic, still arms crossed, scanning the place around with her look.

"Yay!"

Cream and Cheese dashed to the cotton candy cart, as Sonic approached Amy a bit upset.

"Excuse me, I think I'm doing a good job taking care of Cream on my own." He pointed out.

"Excuse YOU, I'm the one left in charge by her own mother!"

"Yeah but I'm the one who told Cream about this adventure first!"

"And I already had plans for both of us before you came around, hmph!"

As they argued, Cream came back overjoyed holding her giant cotton candy as Cheese directly jumped into it, overjoyed as well.

"Hee hee, I'm back! Where to, now...? Oh... are you fighting?"

Both Sonic and Amy stood still for a moment, side by side, both with their arms crossed.

"Oh? It's nothing, Cream! Ha ha!" Sonic tried to look for something to talk about, "we're just... discussing what attraction we should head to first... yeah!"

"Aww," Cream lowered her cotton candy, searching for Cheese somewhere inside it, "don't you think they look cute when they fight, Cheese?"

"Chao! Chao!" Cheese gleefully replied.

Suddenly, Sonic and Amy lost their cool at the same time, letting out a big "WHAT?!" before turning away from each other, upset... and blushing.

"Yeah, they do! They look together, hee hee!" Cream continued, before setting her sights on the next attraction, "I wanna go to the bumper cars next!"

They followed Cream and Cheese, but keeping their distance from one another.

"We don't look cute together," they murmured.

Back to latin-dr-sonamy-trash: Okay okay, this is a very rough draft - written exclusively for this post, and not even spell-checked! I feel like there’s still sooooo much more to this one, but I’m already 1800+ words into it and I need some sort of self-control (well, not only that one lol) or else I’ll never post this ask haha

Also, I would not be a too many thots thot if I finished this one right here and now~~

But seriously, I think I have a solid grasp for this one, and I could actually return to it and finish it! There’s still the bumper cars bit, the rollercoaster bit, Eggman actually coming in and storming the place, and Sonic and Amy’s final reflection on the day (and maybe more? 👀), so, yeah, we’re just halfway done with this little SonAmy trash piece where our emotional support hedgehogs are a bit... grumpy at each other? 👀

#ask latin dr robotnik #sonic the hedgehog #sonamy #yes for the final oneshot i'm gonna flesh it out a lot more #i just put the basic worldbuilding and interactions down lolol #i feel like i can do much muuuuch more with this one #but again - i need some sort of self control haha #potatoes-tomatoes

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kirishibi · 4 years

Text

More Than Friends | Kaminari Denki

anon: hi i really love your writing so much! i was wondering if i could request something with kaminari and a girl best friend who has basically the exact same personality as him and basically everyone in the whole school knows they have a crush on each other but they're oblivious and just think that they're really close friends?

Pairing: Kaminari Denki x Reader

Warnings: pining, fluff, kissing, kaminari and reader are both dumb fools

Word Count: 1.5k

a/n: here’s some long overdue pikachu fluff for my denki lovers. drink water and take care of yourselves lovelies 💕

You met Kaminari during your entrance exam. He was in the middle of taking down a 2-point mech when you swept in and stole his kill. He seemed furious - that was, until his eyes met yours and his annoyed expression softened to something much kinder. ‘Hey, you’re pretty good at this!’ He had called to you from across the smoking rubble of a decommissioned robot, ‘wanna team up?’ He asked, flashing a crooked smile that sparked fire in your belly. You knew if you took him up on his offer you’d only end up getting distracted from your goal, so you simply shook your head, turned on your heel, and ran off to gather more points.

You had thought you’d seen the last of him. Compared to the others you tested with, he had been incredibly casual about the process and, in your experience, people with that attitude tended not to last long. On your first day at U.A., however, as you padded your way down the freshly polished hallway leading to your homeroom class, a familiar voice called to you from behind, ‘hey, point-stealer!’. You turned to find the charming blond waving at you excitedly, and on instinct you waved back.

A friendship was born that day, something intense, unique, and utterly incredible.

Like magnets, you seemed drawn to one another. At lunch, he always claimed a seat beside you, when given the choice during practical lessons, you were each other’s go-to partners, and at USJ and in the forest, you were the first person one another looked for in the crowd of your terrified peers.

It didn’t take long for Ashido and the other girls in your class to notice the chemistry between you and start asking questions. Gradually, offhanded once-in-a-while inquiries became weekly, then daily. ‘What’s going on between you two?’ became ‘when will he finally ask you out?’ and ‘when will you guys realize you like each other?’.

But he was your best friend. You couldn’t have feelings for him.

You convinced yourself that the way your heart raced when his arm casually wrapped around your shoulders was only due to the caffeinated tea Yaoyorozu liked to brew for your class in the mornings. The sweat slicking your palms was just due to the heat, even in the middle of winter. The way you ached for his presence when curfew hit and you were forced to separate was only because you got lonely at night.

You only saw him as a friend. So, why did your chest ache so intensely when you watched him chat with Jirou before class some days, or lightheartedly flirt with the girls in class B? Why did you want to talk to him every waking moment and call him on the phone in the evenings when you were apart?

You were unaware that Denki was facing a similar dilemma - that he often laid in bed, wide awake, staring at the ceiling of his dorm room as his mind buzzed with thoughts of you, or that he flirted with others in vain hope that it could ease the ache in his heart watching Kirishima make you laugh the way he wished he could. You didn’t know that the smell of your perfume alone made him dizzy with want, nor how intoxicating he found your touch. How could you, when he kept his feelings so buried even he only acknowledged them when he awoke in the dead of night, your name on his lips as he hugged his pillow to his chest wishing it was you.

Apparently, Kaminari didn’t keep his feelings buried deep enough. With each passing day, his heart seemed to flutter a bit more at the sight of you. The margins of his notebook were littered with heart shaped scribbles, and all too often he caught himself absentmindedly writing your initials within them.

You were just friends, he tried to remind himself.

“Just,” He whispered into the dead silence surrounding him as he laid awake at three a.m. for the third night in a row. He couldn’t bring himself to say the rest. He wanted more.

The realization fought its way into the forefront of his mind in the brief seconds it took to unlock his phone and pull up your number. It burned itself there as he scrolled through your latest text conversation. His thumbs moved before his mind was ready, typing a quick message and pressing ‘send’ before he could talk himself out of it.

KAMINARI: hey can we meet up sometime before first period?

He didn’t know why he assumed you’d be asleep at that hour, you were even more of a night owl than he was.

(Y/N): uhh don't we always?

KAMINARI: yeah but like somewhere a bit more private this time. i wanna tell you something

(Y/N): just meet me in the kitchen and tell me now

KAMINARI: no

(Y/N): coward

Denki took a nervous breath, his heart pounding against his chest. He was anxious, yet excited at the same time. Even knowing the awkward conversation that would ensue, he still looked forward to seeing you.

KAMINARI: ok fine

(Y/N): yay! just dont rat me out when you get caught sneaking around past curfew

Chuckling at your response, he forced himself out of bed and tugged on an old hoodie, combing his fingers through his hair to fix the bedhead you loved to tease him about. With your dorm building as new as it was, he wasn’t too worried about squealing door hinges or creaky floorboards waking your classmates. No, the thunderous pounding of his heart seemed a more likely threat as he tiptoed down to the common area on unsteady legs.

The faint glow of your phone’s flashlight lit up the cheeky grin on your face as he entered the kitchen. “I totally beat you here, slow-poke.” You whispered, leaning closer so that he could better hear you and sticking your tongue out playfully. The close proximity set his every nerve alight.

“I bet you were already down here when I texted you,” He quipped, trying stall, but you wouldn’t let him.

“Okay, so what’s this thing you wanna tell me? You can’t beat around the bush with me, Denki, I know your tricks.” You took a step back to press against a granite kitchen counter and hiked yourself up to sit on the cool surface. He stood in the space between your knees, hands shoved in his sweatpants pockets so you wouldn’t notice their trembling.

Gnawing on the inside of his cheek, he willed himself to finally say what had been at the back of his mind since the entrance exam. He squeezed his eyes shut, bracing for rejection, and forced the words out before they could catch in his throat, “I like you, a lot, and if you don't feel the same way that’s fine, but I just need you to know, because you’re just so pretty and funny and-” another, softer pair of lips against his own was all it took to end the blond’s rambling. He leaned into the kiss without a second thought.

Needy fingers slipped from his pockets, starting on the knees bordering his waist and slowly working their way up to your hips. Your arms looped around the back of his neck, legs hooking behind his torso and pulling him closer so his chest pressed flush against your own. Your movements were awkward at first, clumsy and uncertain, but you quickly found a gentler, more comfortable pace as the kiss deepened and bitter anxiety melted into something much sweeter. You savored the toasted-marshmallow taste of his lips, the slight tickle of his fingertips as they explored the soft skin of your upper thighs.

As much as you wanted to continue, you pulled away just as his tongue dipped past the part of your lips, knowing if you waited a moment longer you wouldn’t have the willpower to stop. Golden eyes locked with your own as you paused to catch your breath. “Shit, I think I like you too,” you admitted in a low whisper, unable to deny how he made you feel any longer.

“Wait, really?” He matched your tone, soft yet excited.

You playfully punched his upper arm, “Yes, dummy! Apparently it’s obvious, Ashido won’t stop telling me to ask you out.”

“Oh,” Kaminari pondered for a moment before continuing all too nonchalantly, “well, wanna be my girlfriend? She can’t pester you about it if we’re already together.” He held your gaze as his fingers laced with your own.

As much as you wanted to say yes, you couldn’t help but hesitate. Your cheeks grew warm from embarrassment as you muttered, “Only if you’re sure. I mean, I don’t want to pressure you or-”

It was Denki’s turn to silence you with a kiss - a quick, tender peck to halt your train of thought. He pulled away just barely to whisper against your lips, “You aren’t pressuring me. I don’t want anyone else, (Y/n). Haven’t since I met you, and I never will again.”

#kaminari denki x reader #kaminari x reader #denki kaminari #kaminari denki #kaminari #kaminari fluff #bnha fluff #kiri writes #requests #bakusquad x reader #bnha #mha #bnha x reader #mha x reader #denki kaminari x reader

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fanfictiondreamscape · 4 years

Text

Watching Hedgehogs Forming an Army

Title: Watching Hedgehogs Forming an Army

Genre: C O M E D Y. (seriously, that is what it mostly is. I could write something romantic in this, but the title is just-)

Pairing: Izaya/Shizuo/Masaomi/Mikado x reader (all separate)

Notes: Okay, so before you start reading, do note that this whole idea is coming from a random thing I sent out to my friends on Snapchat. (Remind me to proceed with caution if I ever decide to do this again.)

Otherwise, I had been wanting to write something for DRRR for a while, and this gave me the most in depth idea for the specific characters and just- ugH, IDEA GOLD.

Below the cut!

Izaya Orihara

the fact that you and him got together was a mystery to the whole of Shinjuku and Ikebukuro.

seriously, this man is notorious for playing with people’s emotions and desires

so how the hell did he snag someone as nice as you?

no clue, but what they didn’t know is that you played with him

turn the game on its head, y’know?

that said, you two rarely ever went out on dates that weren’t at more upscale places.

one date? five star restaurant, VIP room. managed to snag free drinks for the both of you while he was at it.

another one? laying low at one of your homes, though there was a plethora of gourmet foods that he had shipped from out of country

(by some damn magic - you didn’t know, and didn’t care to ask)

otherwise, when things as simple as this happened, things came easy to the both of you

some ice cream for you, a black coffee for him, and the two of you skipping through the park happily.

this particular day, though, you saw something very sus

there was an outrageous amount of hedgehogs gathered.

no reason, no purpose whatsoever, just gathering in a corner of the park.

izaya didn’t notice the meetup until he noticed that you weren’t beside him.

with his eyebrows raised, shocked

he then saw you, slack-jawed, watching a hoard of hedgehogs

the general image just drove him to laugh, but you heard him

and you jumped to stop him.

“shut up, don’t say a single word.”

“i wasn’t planning on it, but now that you mention it-”

cue you shoving a hand over his mouth to stop him from doing anything

you both just watched the group

nothing more, nothing less.

there was the odd sip of coffee or spoonful of ice cream, but otherwise?

just staring.

“do you think they’re getting ready to fight someone?”

“i don’t know, s/o, are they?”

“no seriously! are they teaming up to go to a fight, or are they doing this to defend their nest or something?”

“again, i don’t know, s/o. but that is a good question.”

...silence...

“maybe they’re trying to climb on top of each other and form a mega-bot or something.”

“i highly doubt that.”

yeah, there wasn’t much else to look at.

your theories were brushed over in favor of watching the group gather closer.

people stopped to stare at you two

they even tossed the idea that you two were oddly placed statues

but they recognized izaya

they knew that no, these are not, in fact, statues, but people standing scarily still

watching something intently.

they just walked off, eventually, but the thought never left.

and yes, you two were still staring when shizuo spotted the sight while looking for someone to pay off their debts.

and, of course, at the sight of izaya, he flipped his shit and screamed.

that was the cue to leave before you both got crushed.

luckily, after being with izaya for some time, you got used to the chase and were able to evade the tall blonde

you both made it to your apartment, and had jumped to conclusions

“they were trying to fight someone by forming a gigantic robot-like figure!”

“no, they were forming an army to fight back!”

“or maybe they were doing that to defend their den!”

“or they were gathering together to have an or-”

“don’t you dare finish that sentence.”

the ideas kept getting thrown back and forth

though what you two didn’t know was that they were gathering for a ritual

calling upon their hedgehog gods and completing their personal little summoning

(it went well, for anyone wondering).

Shizuo Heiwajima

you and him?

you’ve gotta be shitting me.

you, an outgoing and happy smol bean (who was actually lacking any instinct to care about someone)

and him, the big angry tol bean that could care less about anyone (though that was a lie)?

yeah, can’t happen

unless...

so, this was a date.

normally, they stayed in the realm of indoors.

eating dinner together? at his kitchen table.

movie night? on your couch, in your apartment.

seriously, you both rarely had dates outside of the comfort of your homes.

so this date was a blessing in disguise.

it was nearing noon,

shizuo had come by your apartment around 11:30 that morning

a cup of coffee in his hand for you, a blush on his face

from there on, you two had spent the day relaxing together (though it was a fairly short time)

you two were walking past a park around this time

and you were watching the sunlight peek through the trees with wonder

of course, a few people waved to you and you waved back,

but when you spotted something odd, everything just seemed to freeze.

hedgehogs, gathered beside a bush, almost climbing on top of the other

almost as if to fight for something among each other.

your gasp is what drew shizuo out of the euphoric state he was in just by watching your eyes light up.

straight outta the gate, he would probably be visibly confused.

and pissed.

but he’d let it slide.

maybe.

it wasn’t until you exclaimed that there were more that he had an outburst.

“the hell’d you say?”

“there are more going to the bush, shizuo.”

silence, upon silence, upon silence.

until one of the children in the park shout at you to say hi.

you responded of course, but it still annoyed you

but it annoyed the blonde beside you even more.

“hey, leave her be!”

“dammit, shizuo - ignore him, have a nice day, you two!”

the child’s mother laughed and brushed it off.

you pulled shizuo back and went back to watching the hedgehogs.

though he was initially bothered, the sight was interesting to watch.

you two had been theorizing why they were gathering

“maybe they’re watching over one of their children.”

“or, maybe they are trying to build their den there.”

“well, yeah. but they’re climbing on top of each other.”

“good point, babe.”

(yay pet names! coming from him, that meant a lot!)

this continued for around fifteen minutes before they up and left.

you two went about the rest of your days nicely, dropping the topic

but it did come up when you were talking to your friend over lunch the next day

and also when shizuo was at work - tom was trying to figure out the reason as well.

otherwise, it was ignored.

the whole story, though:

the hedgehogs were gathering for something private

something that the humans would call a ‘meme’.

a fight club.

and the first rule of fight club?

you don’t talk about fight club.

Masaomi Kida

you and him?

that was expected.

for this long?

that was not expected.

people thought that you two would just call it a fling, and you’d be done

not the case, and you two were ready to wreak havoc all over school grounds if the time called for it.

but otherwise, you two were pretty tame with each other

also very flirty

but that was a different story.

otherwise, dates with him were very much everywhere

if you wanted to get some food, you two would go to russian sushi and then more

a movie? great, let’s hit up the bowling alley afterwards!

dates like this one were both odd and normal

it was expected that you’d do something following the first part (breakfast and gaming videos with him)

but doing something as simple as walking through a park was almost unheard of unless there was a big event going on

but you weren’t complaining

sometimes you just need some calm, and that is exactly what was going on

until, in a fit of giggles, masaomi had spotted a large group of hedgehogs in a secluded corner of the park

“whoa, look at that, s/o!”

“huh, what do you-”

you saw them.

you also noticed that they were almost expressing something.

whether that was anger, simple frustration, or whateverthehell, you didn’t know

but you noticed it and brought it up.

“kida, they’re moving. what do you think they’re doing?”

“a game plan? something to get food?”

“maybe they’re building something?”

“nope, they’re not holding anything.”

the whole situation, contrary to anything else that would have happened, came and went

after you two stared at the slowly growing crowd for almost fifteen minutes.

you sat down to do it, though!

(yay to less foot pain!)

either way, you two had started to toss back outlandish theories.

“trying to form a fight club?”

(haha funny-)

“or maybe a hedgehog ritual?”

(haha funny number 2-)

“possibly they could be having an or-”

(i wanna commit die for the amount of times i’ve pulled this shit istg-)

“kida.”

yeah, things got quiet after that.

you two were still watching the hedgehogs do whatever they and their expressions were doing,

but when you both hit a head and couldn’t conjure up anymore crazy ideas

you just shrugged it off and left the park.

it didn’t come up again, not even when kida dragged you from your shift at a nearby bookstore after it ended to do something in the city.

anything, really.

the night ended calmly, though.

the hedgehogs, though?

yeah, their night didn’t end that way.

that crowd of them that you two had seen was a hedgehog acting troupe, and thei performance schedule was outrageous.

the horror play’s lead was covered in a mess of honey, the comedy lead’s day was prolonged due to the original lead being sick, and the romantic lead had tried to avoid snapping the neck of her male co-lead.

yeah, clean-up for them didn’t go well.

Mikado Ryuugamine

you and mikado had been friends for a while

considering that you are kida’s (older) twin, you two got along fairly well

you and him were able to bond over dealing with your brother’s antics.

so the connection you two had grown to develop was easy to be expected.

and, seeing as you were the mature one of the twins, you attracted mikado very quickly.

otherwise, you both found over-the-top dates to be unnecessary.

so you both basked in the time that the both of you spent privately.

study dates were normal. get your work done, get some quick food, all was good.

sometimes you two would lay back and watch your current television obsession together.

so with things as simple and somewhat cliche as that, park dates were normal.

and since you both wanted some fresh air (and a break from your brother), you jumped at the chance to take a walk.

it was late afternoon, you had stopped by russian sushi and were finishing some dollar-drinks you picked up from a convenient store.

you two held hands, deciding to run the rest of the day through somewhat peacefully.

kida was out, though, so you were both on guard.

which also meant that when you two spotted him, you hid

you found a bench that was covered by trees and shadows, and decided to sit down

mikado was panting, you were still peeping and hoping that the dyed-blonde sibling of yours was gone

and he was, so you relaxed.

while you were watching, you noticed some movement from the corner of your eye.

it was slightly dull against green, so you found it a little hard to miss.

“hey, mikado, what’s going on in that corner?”

“huh? uh, i don’t- i don’t know.”

you got a closer look, and saw that they were hedgehogs.

there was two crowds of them, facing each other

your eyes may have been deceiving you, but you could have sworn that one of them was glaring at the frontman of the opposing group

and that their lackey was gracing an expression of calm

but hedgehogs don’t express emotions like that so you tossed that thought out the metaphorical window.

mikado, though, was trying not to let any of his wild ideas slip.

he had a filter, though, so he didn’t say anything.

you could notice when this happened, though.

“say it, mikado; you’re not good at hiding what you’re thinking around me, y’know.”

“well, what do you think they’re doing?”

silence

(yet again.)

“i...don’t know, actually.”

the silence hung high, but neither of you were willing to spill any odd theories you had.

some of the time that you were watching was spent theorizing, though.

just internally.

(seriously, if internal dialogue was going to be mentioned in depth, this portion of the post would be outrageous)

eventually, you just settled for watching them.

any conversation that you two had was about something other than what you were staring at, but that didn’t stop you.

soon enough, it started to get dark and you got a message from kida.

he was struggling with dinner, and since you didn’t want to burn down your living, the you had to hurry.

you had made it clear that you had to leave, took mikado’s empty drink and pitched it on your way back.

mikado left not long after you, eyeing the hedgehogs in confusion

but leaving nonetheless.

you brought the event up to kida (without mentioning that it was to hide from him, of course), and he made a huge deal out of it.

mikado brought the topic up to him over the phone as well.

but it was generally just left up in the air.

rarely ever came up between you and anyone else, but it still hung over your heads.

otherwise, the events between the hedgehogs was very new.

in fact, one side of the hedgehogs were squirrels in disguise.

they were having a conversation about how to invade and seize the squirrels’ home, and one of the disguised squirrels had said something to provoke the leader of the hedgehogs.

they were planning an attack on the other, and there would be blood not matter what.

it was a damn turf war, of course they would want their enemy’s heads on a platter.

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gaming-thoughts-by-an-idiot · 3 years

Text

Fallout 3: Mothership Zeta (dlc)

"Right... ok... what am I doing, what level and what have I done"

"Ok, let's do the alien thing"

"Ugh, I forgot there's no running in this game"

"I cant remember what I've done in the game, did I poison the water in this playthrough? Have I only done one playthrough... wait what difficulty am I on... very easy, good."

"Oooh, ok, I forgot how to change weapons, I'm living on fallout 76 controls"

"Cant I take a automated stimpak? Really? Shit ok."

"When I think about it, in every rpg, no actually, in every game I play or have played, I also go with melee, if I can? I fucking will. In halo, mass effect, skyrim, dragon age like- yeah"

"Battle music, what's up?"

*vats locked, ripper ready, one slice, yao guai down*

Me: :0!! Holy shit!

*enclave robot floating*

Me: *destroys it* hehehe

"I knew it was gonna happen, and I still got a jump scare"

"You raaaise me uuuup~"

"Blurry"

"Oh no, south park season one episode one vibes"

"Excuse me sir, that is my tralala, my ding ding dong"

"Hes -- aa?? Red screen??? I DID NOT SIGN UP TO GET CIRCUMCISED"

"Get some toy story vibes with that ceiling claw"

"I got my walk through, imma find all the holotapes."

"Ok, I got my electro baton, who do I beat up"

"I like being 3rd pov, but maybe I'll do this 1st."

"Found a rivet city guard, but she didnt wanna talk to me :) now i have better armour"

"Gotta make a list over the recordings, cuz I totally forgot that's what I was doing here"

"Alright, I know I'll fuck this up, but the road may be fun"

"A child"

"AH! Jesus... fucking alien shit"

"Riiight, I forgot I should get my weapons back, lol"

"Damn... I think I have to go back to the beginning, I'm carrying too much stuff... well, sure"

"Back we go"

"Ok, cuz I was like 300 already when I got on the alien ship, now! I got 92/300, so I'm ready to rumble"

" 'you are no longer well rested' bitch, when have I ever been"

"While the aliens played operations on me, I now got me some nice toast and coffee"

"Ah shit, here we go again"

"They should have subtitles for the alien languages, it should say [alien gibberish] I'm just saying"

"Ok... good to check the wiki before leaving the area, guess it's good I began again, i would've missed nr 3"

"I feel like I'm living like a king. I'm eating toast, drinking coffee, it's hot outside, air conditioner inside, I can pause the game at anytime without fearing for my life or my character to die from dehydration or hunger~ good life"

"The aliens have to be sooo irritated with Sally, like, she keeps sneaking out of her cell and shit"

"I wonder where her sister is though"

"Ok got my shit back, and look at that...147/300"

"Screw the electro baton, ripper time"

"I wonder what the samurai is saying"

"This dude looks like he was dragged right from oblivion, same ugly."

"Cryo thing done"

"I have to go aaaaaall the way back to the holding cells uugghhh"

"Finally"

"Okeiii wheres that damn holotape"

"Finally... aaaand now to walk ALL the way back... hhhh"

"I remember vaguely that I'm supposed to find the samurai sword...."

"Yes I can find it"

"Now... robot place thing"

"Kaay, wheres the tapes..."

"Okay wait, I'm confused, I have to look on youtube"

"Ok youtube didnt help at all, but google did yay"

"Cant get the sword cuz bugged yay-.-"

"Ok seems like I got them all, I'm ready to go to the next level"

"I cant jump and float :c"

"My dude sounds like darth Vader"

"Theres a button that let's me spawn brahmin..."

"Awh I can only get 3"

"Ah! Apparently I'm so evil, that I'm named 'the stuff of nightmares' like damn, calm down"

"Oh... ok now I get it, I've enslaved 41 humans... hey i needed the caps ok?"

"Can i shoot the earth with the death ray?"

"Quick save"

"I did, but I didnt get any bad karma? I gotta google to see if this is gonna impact, you know what? No. If I could do the ground zero in new vegas, I can do this. Fuck the world!"

*googles*

"Awh.. it doesnt do anything.. I mean yay that's good, it would be bad if many people died."

"One holotape left"

"Level UP! Here and now perk and LEVEL UUUP"

"I need to 50% less limb damage plz"

"ACHIEVEMENT!!! WOOP WOOP!!! YEEEEES"

"Its the final countdown wahwahwahwah wawawawah"

"The fucking cowboy died ugh, reload"

"Whoa.... explosion"

"And nobody died! :D"

"Can I come back?"

"Yes, awesome, I own a spaceship"

#gaming #relatable gaming thoughts #fallout 3 #Mothership Zeta #fallout 3 dlc

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kylorengarbagedump · 4 years

Text

Little Bird: Chapter 23

Read on AO3. Part 22 here. Part 24 here.

Summary: Apparently, you can't get yourself to enjoy a dinner party, even if you're the guest of honor.

Words: 4700

Warnings: egregious dinner party antics, Hux is a bitch, Handmaid AU

Characters: Kylo Ren x Handmaid!Reader

A/N: I've never really written anything like this before. I'm not really sure what I'm doing. This chapter was like PULLING fucking TEETH. Would really love feedback/input/criticism.

Regardless, I hope y'all enjoyed. I am SO HAPPY the Daddy kink was well-received--we're all going to hell, yay!

I always want to stress how grateful I am that I receive the kind of interaction that I do. I feel so lucky and blessed to have folks like y'all. Thank you so much, I love all of you very much. <3

The longer you sat, the deeper the burn at your backside became. The aloe that Ren had so generously applied had long worn off, at this point, but the real issue was the swelling, the heat, like a bubbling sunburn that had managed to sear itself across your entire ass. How generous of him, too, to supply you with this right before an event that required sitting.

It was only minutes, now, until the guests would arrive, and Emma and Rose were twittering in the kitchen, preparing the finishing touches on the meals. You, Johana, and Kylo Ren sat in the ornate dining room, with its tiered crystal chandelier and wall-to-wall windows that opened out toward the garden. At the long, mahogany dining table, the married couple were appointed at the heads, with you at the center, like an entertainment piece. The table had already been prepared with nine settings. The silence was so thick you could hear your blood in your toes.

Johana sighed. “Only a few people agreed to come, after all, Sir. Very short notice.”

“Mm.” Ren provided no evidence of interest or investment in what she had said.

“You know, Sir,” she said, “I’m doing this for you. For us.”

“How thoughtful of you.”

“It is, isn’t it?” She sat back in her chair, arms crossed. “If only you could afford me the same grace.” Her eyes laid on you. “Not that it’ll be a problem too much longer, I’m sure.”

Swallowing, you stared at your hands. Ren hadn’t offered you a glance since he’d sat--hadn’t even offered a word when he’d dropped off your clothing at your door. Johana kept sticking you and her husband with sharp, suspicious glares, as if she could smell the sex on you, could see the leather marks on your thighs, could hear the words lingering on your tongue: yes, Daddy.

You pinched your legs together, fighting a shiver, fighting disgust with yourself. Back in reality, your willingness to break for him brought a nauseating chill to your stomach. After all, here you were, ready to perform for his friends, the very men who had shackled you to a dress and womb-service or death. Here you were, obedient and eager, with all of the humanity and agency of a pet, but with a hidden array of tricks that consisted of beg and swallow.

“Dolpheld Mitaka and his Wife have arrived, Ms. Johana.” Emma’s voice snapped you to attention, and you shifted, hoping to ease some of the pain.

Following Emma’s introduction, a young, boyish man entered, his Wife--a small, timid-looking thing--on his heels. He nodded to Ren, glimpsing you for a brief second before avoiding your gaze, cheeks tinged pink.

Dolpheld focused on Ren, he and his Wife sitting across from you, near Johana. “Uh, sir, your…”

“Per request of Snoke,” he replied. “I wouldn’t choose to share my table with a Handmaid.”

Johana snorted, and Ren’s gaze daggered her. She cleared her throat. “Ofkylo plans on staying out of the way, doesn’t she?”

You gazed at your fists as they tensed in your lap--but you nodded. The name Dolpheld was familiar--he’d been the Commander of one of the Handmaids at the Resistance base. A cold rush coated the inside of your chest. You hoped she’d gotten away. Looking at him, though, he seemed harmless, almost pathetic. Hadn’t Ren said a few old men? As for Dolpheld’s Wife--she appeared intent on ignoring your existence entirely, which was fine by you, anyway.

Emma darted in again. “Armitage Hux and his Wife, ma’am.”

Armitage. From behind Emma emerged a stiff, reedy man with coiffed copper hair and an expression that managed to communicate both complete disdain for every living creature and unbearable smugness. His Wife was boxy and brown-haired, the type of person of which nothing notable could be said other than her utter lack of notability. It seemed strange to see these two wallpaper women at the same table as Johana--in role, like them, but in personhood, incongruous.

“Ren,” said Armitage, the name rolling off of his tongue with hidden mirth. “Mitaka.”

“Hux.” Dolpheld nodded, looking at the table. His Wife appeared similarly occupied.

Armitage and his Wife sat across from you, too, with Armitage taking a seat next to Ren. You looked between them, wondering if they knew of each other’s dalliances, or if the fact that Commanders brazenly fucked their Handmaids was an accepted fact of Gilead. Though you knew Ofarmitage didn’t just consider her relationship fucking. Horrifically, you felt the same way about yours.

“Imagine my surprise when we were offered a dinner invitation to your home,” Armitage said. “I can’t remember the last time we dined together, Ren.”

“Unsurprising,” replied Ren. “Your memory is frequently faulty.”

“At least my judgement remains intact.” He smirked. “Or did I mishear the reason for the invitation?”

“No, you didn’t, Commander Hux,” said Johana, folding a napkin over her lap. The other Wives looked at her with widened eyes. “We are here to discuss a possible resolution. Once--”

“Ms. Johana!” Emma squawked, for some reason breathless. “Commander Snoke--”

Before Emma could finish, an older man pushed through the threshold, accompanied by a young, blank-faced woman. His head was misshapen, craggy--a scar of war, you presumed, that had grown now into his flesh. One of his eyes bulged precipitously above his cheekbone, the other dug into his skull, the skin of his cheeks stretched like wet linen over his face. He wore a deep yellow suit jacket, threads interlaced with thin strands of red and gold.

The very second he entered, Ren stood, eyes aimed at the floor, and you blinked, tensing your jaw to keep it from dropping. Armitage followed, and then Dolpheld, their Wives in their shadows as the man meandered his way to the side of the table that you sat on, his Wife next to you. He remained standing, surveying the table--against your better judgement, you met his gaze. A tiny smirk formed on his lips.

“Good evening, everyone.”

His voice froze your blood. This was the same man from the recording. The man who had spoken to Ben Solo. That man, this man--they were all--

“Commander Snoke,” said Armitage and Ren, in unison. Dolpheld cleared his throat.

“Let’s be seated, shall we?”

Snoke lowered himself to the table, and the other men mimicked him. The air had thickened to a degree that you found your own chest tightening for the lack of oxygen. Next to you, his Wife was robotic in her focus, her body iron and unmoving. You marveled at her beauty--other than Johana, she was one of the only genuinely pretty Wives you’d seen. Examining her closer, she wasn’t just young, either. She was young. Perhaps not much older than eighteen. The thought made you shudder.

The Marthas swished into the room, doling out salad onto the tiny plates at everyone’s place settings. As they served, Johana straightened, meeting Ren’s gaze from across the table. He was silent.

“Commander Snoke,” she said. “As you know--”

“Kylo Ren,” said Snoke, ignoring Johana completely. She blanched. “Your initiative on the western front brought us another victory. A very cunning move you made, heading off their supply route. Their soldiers were going to starve before they submitted to Gilead forces.” A low, dark chuckle left him. “An excellent maneuver that Armitage could learn from.”

Ren lowered his head, brow cocked. Armitage’s eyes narrowed, and he cut into his salad.

“Speaking of learning,” the redhead said, “Mitaka, I recently learned your Handmaid went missing.”

Dolpheld seemed focused on avoiding any involvement in this conversation. “Uh, yes. Yes, we did… experience that.”

“Strange.” Armitage’s attention flicked from you to your Commander. “Ren, aren’t we here for a similar issue? Your Handmaid going missing?”

Anxiety clogged your throat. You studied your salad as if it had become the most interesting collection of green leaves and croutons you’d ever seen.

“Well,” said Johana, “not exactly--”

Armitage waved her off. “Right, yes, his suspension, isn’t it? For botching some ability to prevent Resistance interference?” His scrutiny returned to you. “Very foolish of you, Ren. For all we know, she could be with the Resistance now.”

“There was no evidence of any Resistance involvement,” Johana said. “As far as we know, it was a rogue Guardian.” She sliced apart a leaf of lettuce. “Right, Commander?”

Ren’s brow twitched. “Yes.”

“Rogue Guardian,” Armitage mused. “Interesting. Mitaka, didn’t your Handmaid disappear in much the same way? Middle of the day? During daylight? Guardian interference?”

Dolpheld glanced between Ren and Armitage, shrugging. “I suppose so, but the investigation was inconclusive, so--”

“That’s right!” The grin on Armitage’s face could split steel. “The investigation was inconclusive. If only we could’ve gotten more information to help guide us.” He turned to Ren. “Maybe we could talk to that Guardian your Handmaid was found with.”

An image in your mind: pop. Ren’s face was blanker than polished stone.

“Ah, that’s right.” He snapped, feigning a realization. “We can’t. You killed him. Shame, that.” Sighing, he popped a piece of lettuce into his mouth. “Is that type of behavior really something we should be lifting a suspension for?”

“There was good reason my husband acted as he did,” Johana said. “The Guardian had a gun with him.” She stared directly at you. “Isn’t that right?”

Every pair of eyes at the table aimed at you, like you’d tripped a sensor, set off an alarm--or maybe that was the alarm inside of your brain, wailing in panic. It wasn’t like you had to lie, but there was something about being complicit in this game that made your palms sweat.

“That’s… right,” you said. “He. He did have a gun.”

Johana gestured toward you. “The situation was dangerous.”

Armitage chuckled. “Oh, please, every smuggler carries a weapon. What we want to know is if he was part of a larger organization.” His eyes, a roaring seafoam green, bored into you. “There’s a rumor the Angel and Wife he was working for are part of the Resistance.”

The pressure in your throat choked your words. You sought help from Ren, but his stare was directed at Johana--you followed it, meeting her gaze.

“Go on,” she said. “Tell them how you ran.”

Swallowing, you fiddled with your fingers. “I ran of my own volition,” you said. “I asked a Guardian, he said he’d help. That’s it.” You shook your head. “I didn’t meet anyone from the Resistance.”

Johana shrugged, returning to her food. “That’s it, then.”

Armitage took a bite, chewing. After a moment, he frowned. “A Guardian agreed to help you?” he asked. “In exchange for what?”

“You know Handmaids.” Johana’s expression stilled your blood. “They only have a few valuable things to offer.”

Heat rushed you, and you dropped your head, examining your folded hands in your lap. For once, you wished you were wearing your wings so you’d have a better chance to obscure your reddening face. Even if you had been in a position to disagree, you knew that Johana was trying to protect you--if only secondarily to her own interests.

Armitage motioned to you. “Commander Snoke,” he implored, “do you see what we’re keeping in our homes? A Handmaid who offers up her body in exchange to escape Gilead? This is one for the Colonies, at least.”

Your heart stalled, your jaw tightened.

“I don’t think that would be necessary,” Johana replied.

“It very well may be.” He shrugged. “If she allows just anyone to utilize what God has provided for a specific purpose--”

“That’s exactly it, she could be pregnant,” Johana said, “and--”

“It was a momentary lapse in judgement.” Ren finally met your eyes. “Her re-education is progressing smoothly.”

Snoke hummed in thought, glancing between you and your Commander, his gaze peeling you apart--then leaned toward Ren, murmuring something, and Armitage sneered as the two men entered a private conversation. Silence settled over the table; you noticed not a single Wife had taken a bite of her food, other than Johana. Not that you were particularly interested in eating, either. Something about the atmosphere, maybe. Or all the guests who had the power to end your life.

Soon, the Marthas were ushering in the main course: some sort of pork tenderloin, you gathered, with what looked to be a cranberry jam and a smattering of watercress on the side. You sighed. Gilead had done nothing to endear you to vegetables, no matter how frequently you were eating them.

Across the table, Ren and Snoke were still muttering to each other. Your Commander’s demeanor seemed changed in front of this older man, like a living echo of the person you’d heard on the recording--Ben Solo. Ren had said he was dead, but watching him now, with the slight hunch to his shoulders, the flickering eye contact, the unguarded ache in his pupils, you wondered what dead truly meant in this world. Gilead had blurred the lines of existence to meaningless muddle. After all, you might call yourself dead, too.

You wondered who Ben Solo might have been. You wondered if who you had been might have liked him.

“You know, Johana,” said Armitage, eyeing Ren and Snoke, “it’s really too bad that you don’t have gatherings like this more often.” He signaled the rest of the table. “Don’t you all agree?”

The Wives, ever silent, nodded. Dolpheld appeared noncommittal, in agreement only out of what seemed to be obligation. How had someone so doughy and tender earned the rank of Commander?

“Well…” She offered a half-smile. “Never really had an occasion for one as of recent, I supposed.”

“But you and Canady had them all the time, didn’t you?”

Canady. You remembered that name. Ren had used it during the hushed conversation he and Johana had shared in the hallway. That must have been her husband--the one who had died during the revolution.

Johana’s back stiffened, adjusting her grip on her fork as she supplied Armitage with a tight grin. “We did,” she said. “Often.”

“I thought so. I remember those parties. Don’t you, Mitaka?”

“I, uh, I guess so.”

“They were lovely,” said Mitaka’s Wife.

“Oh,” Johana mumbled, “thank you. Yes. We did enjoy them. Those were the days. We were all so young. Parties then were… well… now we have gatherings with multiple courses. All of that.” She paused, swallowing. For a moment, her gaze met yours, then returned to her plate. “God has truly blessed us. We couldn’t ask for more.”

“Right,” said Armitage. “Must be difficult, though, having to deal with Ren’s behavior.”

At the head of the table, Kylo Ren acted as if Armitage had spent the entire dinner with his mouth sewn shut. He was intent, listening to whatever was being said by Snoke.

“Not that it’s bizarre, considering what he’s done in the past. The equipment ruined, the meetings thrown off-kilter. You remember, don’t you, Mitaka?”

“Oh, I don’t know…”

“I remember,” said Mitaka’s Wife.

Mitaka groaned. “Honey, please--”

“I remember, too,” Armitage’s Wife added.

“Brilliant.” Armitage took a bite of his food, chewing triumphantly. “Can’t imagine what it’s like being married to him. A true, enduring woman, you are.”

Johana’s face paled. She glanced across the table to Ren, who was still engrossed in Snoke’s quiet speech. Her lip trembled, and she shrugged, pushing a piece of pork in her mouth. You watched Armitage, who, despite having picked off half of his plate, was appearing more voracious by the second.

“Yes,” she said, “well--”

“And Canady was a good man,” Armitage continued. “When was he killed? Three? Four years ago? How long have you been married to Ren?”

Perhaps to anyone who didn’t know her, Johana appeared the picture of composure. But you could see the twitch at her jaw, the frustrated flutter of her nostrils, the whitening of her tiny knuckles. She took another slice of pork, gnashing it with her back molars.

“Three years this December.”

Armitage nodded. “Of course. That was such a brilliant sacrifice Canady made, really--Ren was right to order it.”

Johana stabbed into her watercress, silent.

“Don’t you think it was noble that Canady--”

“I think Ms. Johana is tired of talking about her deceased husband.”

The words shocked you as they entered the air. What shocked you more was that they had left your mouth. The rest of the table appeared equally flabbergasted, the scraping of forks and knives halting, the dining room flooded with flummoxed silence. The only people who hadn’t appeared to notice were Snoke and Ren--but for Ren’s part, he’d ceased speaking entirely. You couldn’t hear Snoke’s words over the ringing of your own ears, the deafening thump of your heartbeat at your temples. Johana gazed at you, lips parted, as if she was seeing you for the very first time.

“Is this how you allow your Handmaids to speak to you?” Armitage’s brow was cocked, but he turned to Dolpheld, sparking a new topic.

You met Johana’s eyes again. Her chest fell in a slow breath, and she broke the stare, turning to her food. Exhaling, you shook out the tremble in your hands, shifting to relieve some of the ache that had built at your backside. As the din in your head dimmed, you glanced at your Commander, wondering what had him so captivated.

“While we’re on the topic, we did find the body on the side of the road, as you described. One bullet hole to the skull.” Snoke dragged his knife through the soft meat on his plate.

“Yes.” Ren’s gaze was vacant. “Efficient.”

“Well, you always are,” Snoke replied. “And you had an excellent idea to string it up near the border. After even a couple of days, it looks ghoulish.”

Your stomach churned. For some reason, you’d hoped the Resistance had managed to get Poe’s body, bury him properly. The thought of him hanging somewhere along the borders of Gilead, his pretty face pecked apart by birds--if you had been hungry before, you certainly weren’t, now. The fact that it had been your Commander’s idea somehow made it worse.

“It lured out a pocket of Resistance members at the border trying to reclaim the body,” Ren replied. “We killed them all.”

The more words you caught, the sicker you became. You wanted to be thankful that it meant that Finn and Rey were still alive--but the thought of any deliberate death at Ren’s hands was emptying you of gratitude.

“Really?” Snoke said. “You plan to display them, too, I hope.”

“It’s already been completed.”

At some point, sweat had drenched your back. You desperately needed Ren to stop talking--he spoke as if they’d hung draperies, not bodies. It didn’t seem possible that this was the same man who’d coddled you to his chest, who’d pressed his lips to your forehead, who’d carried you like spun glass to your bedroom. This man, the one who’d rended your ribcage open with a desire to be known, be seen, the one who had, just hours ago, fucked you until you sobbed and smothered your ass in welts--this was the very same man openly admitting to slaughtering and hanging bodies of other humans for the benefit of your own continued enslavement.

You wanted to explode out of your skin. Perhaps what was worse was that, in reality, it did seem possible, and you’d known it was possible--the memory of Poe’s hot blood on your face cemented that. You’d just willed yourself to forget, allowed yourself to drown in the pointless, foolish desire to be your Commander’s equal. To be, in his eyes, alive. As if you could redeem the devil. As if the devil could redeem you.

“You’re managing to accomplish quite a bit despite your suspension,” said Snoke. “I suppose that’s the benefit of managing an independent militia.”

“I hope to prove to you and the Council that my limited access to the main command is unwarranted.”

“Hm.” Snoke sat, considering Ren. “Yet you didn’t seem interested in proving that when you left your post.”

Ren’s jaw stiffened. At the other side of the table, Armitage leaned forward, ear toward Snoke.

“You made an idiotic, irresponsible decision and abandoned your command during a critical period.” Snoke’s voice was low, harsh. “A decision only a child would make.”

Despite this, Kylo Ren said nothing. He stared into his plate.

“Your accomplishments with the Resistance at the border are meaningless--not when we have interference under our own noses of which you inexplicably destroyed our ability to obtain any further knowledge on.” Snoke released an empty laugh. “The more responsibility I award you, the more reckless you become.”

“Commander Snoke, my performance has been exemplary these past three--”

“And for what, Ren?” Snoke’s hand was tight around his knife. “You abdicated your post, left our armies without direction, killed a possible Resistance member, incapacitated our intelligence--for what?”

Ren’s mouth opened--but Armitage spoke.

“Commander Snoke, I actually heard something interesting.” To your horror, he was staring at you. “There was some report... of an inappropriate relationship between Ren and his Handmaid.”

Your heart disintegrated. Thousands of thoughts stormed your mind at once, chasing breath from your lungs, petrifying your muscles, inspiring sweat at your hairline--what did he know, when did he learn, how long had he sat on this, and who told him--yet through the flurry, there was only one identifiable constant, a bell in your brain.

Ofarmitage.

“Fascinating.” In a slow, controlled revolution, Snoke turned, leaning past his Wife, his stare spearing you. “Wouldn’t be the first time we’ve heard of such a rumor.” His beady eyes flitted over you. “But for this Handmaid?” He scoffed. “Really.”

“Commander Snoke, you should remember that previous Handmaids in this home were dispatched due to no interference on my husband’s part,” Johana interjected quickly. “It was at my behest.”

Snoke continued to act as if Johana were a tiny blue fly on the wall. “So is this why you did it, Ren?” he said, leveling you with the garrote of his gaze. “All of that for… this?”

You bit your lip. He had some nerve to allow his voice to drip with that level of disgust. Beside him, Ren was silent, avoiding your eyes.

“What is it?” Snoke said. “What’s special about her?”

The question made your heart ache with an unarticulated anguish. It wasn’t just about you. It was the sameness you’d found in each other’s eyes, the admiration for the possibility in the stars, the gnawing need to know that wrenched you both from your own pedestals of reason. You’d stirred his relics of doubt, he’d awakened your latent compassion. It wasn’t just you--it was the both of you, fettered to Gilead and each other by the very same chains.

“Let’s hear from her, then.” Snoke eased forward in his chair, a smug grin tearing the fabric of his face. His knife was still gripped in his palm, resting on his plate. “Why do you think Ren sacrificed all of that just for you, hm?”

You sat, glancing over the table, flesh crawling as every sticky gaze studied you. It was as if black coffee had spilled over your tongue, drying it, the bitterness biting at you from the back of your throat. Gathering courage--or something like it--from the depths of your diaphragm, you leaned over the table, returned Snoke’s stare.

“What does it matter why he sacrificed?” you asked. “Doesn’t my uterus hold enough value to justify it?” Perhaps that hadn’t been courage. Perhaps it’d been stupidity.

But what crossed over Snoke’s face wasn’t rage. It was curiosity. “It matters because his motivation for sacrifice determines where his loyalty lies.” His thin lips curled in a grin. “With Gilead? Or with you?”

“So a person can’t sacrifice for a Handmaid without betraying Gilead?”

“No.”

“Then why have Handmaids at all? How else are you populating your country?” Your voice was growing louder than you intended. “If the Commander sacrifices for me, it must be for the value that was given to me by you.”

Ren’s eyes, dark with something unknowable, glimpsed you for a blink. The table was silent. You swallowed.

“Fascinating,” said Snoke. The knife trembled in his hand, rapping the plate. “Your proposition is that I gave you this value? That it was not ordained by God?”

You nodded. “Why would God give me a mind and tell me not to use it? Why would he give me a body that needed to be controlled?”

“Your error is assuming God gives reasons for anything.” Snoke’s knife rose from the plate, stuck in his quaking fist.

“Then,” you replied, neck stiff, “it seems that he gives just as many and as valid reasons as you.”

Snoke slammed the knife into the table, a crooked smile on his pale face, Wives recoiling in squeals, except for his own, who remained perfectly porcelain next to you. Johana’s arms snapped to her sides--both you and her sought out Ren, who sat. And did nothing. Your hands began to quiver. What had happened to you will be safe?

“Precocious little thing you have here, isn’t she, Ren?” Snoke’s arm shot out, his gnarled hand snatching your chin. “What exactly have you been teaching her during these re-education sessions?” With surprising strength, he yanked you forward onto the table. The texture of his skin was like papyrus. “Can you tell me what you’ve learned?”

You leered at Ren, internally begging him to see you. His eyes were distant, focused on the wall. “Obedience,” you said. “Honesty.”

“Seems you could still use a bit of humility.” He turned back to Ren. “What do you think, my boy? Christine is new to the home, but we could always use a Handmaid.” The bones in his fingers crushed your chin. “Maybe I could take her off of your hands for a month.”

Ren’s eye twitched.

“Commander Snoke, please excuse me.” Johana’s voice was followed by the release of his grasp as she wrenched his arm down, pulling you out of your chair. “I must admit that I provided her with a little medication before dinner for nausea. I think it must be getting to her.”

“Nausea medication.” Snoke scanned you like you were meat. “For what?”

“I told you that she might be pregnant, sir.” She was still ushering you out of the room, her little fingers manacles around your wrist. “I’m going to get her to bed. Please, please excuse her behavior. She’s never like this.”

“Never,” Ren said, finally exercising his mouth for something other than looking fuckable. He met your eyes, and you glared at him, internally cursing him, cursing yourself for trusting him.

Johana rushed you through the darkened halls, her hands urging you forward, mumbling under her breath as she whisked you up the stairs and into your bedroom. When you crossed the threshold, she nearly shoved you onto your bed, gasping, sweat decorating her forehead. Baby hairs had sprung free from her braids, curling at her nape, at her temples. She examined you, shaking her head.

“Are you an idiot?” she said. “Do you have a deathwish?”

You shook your head. “No, Ms. Johana--”

“Oh, don’t Ms. Johana me,” she said, swatting at you from a distance. “You know exactly what you were doing down there. Now we’re lucky if the Commander ever gets his suspension lifted. He’s supposed to be re-educating you.”

“Well…” You shifted, fighting the urge to seethe at the scrape of the mattress on your ass. “He is…”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m sure.” Sighing, she wiped her palms on her dress, smoothing over the wild bits of her hair. She shook her head. “Thank you, by the way. For what you did.”

“Oh.” Blood rushed your cheeks. “Well, Armitage seems like a jackass.”

“Oh, Lord,” she said, “you don’t even know the half of it. He and the Commander used to...” She stopped herself, cast her eyes over you, reminding herself of your role, and cleared her throat. “Look. Don’t say anything else. Don’t do anything else. Just stay up here for the rest of the night. I’ll handle this.” She turned, shutting the door behind her--but before it closed, she added, “Goodnight.”

You laid back on your bed, deflated. “Goodnight, Johana.”

#kylo ren smut #kylo ren x reader #kylo x reader #kylo ren imagine #kylo ren #kylo trash #little bird #handmaid au #nerd whinings #fanfiction problems #just a fancy dinner party y'know

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afterspark-podcast · 3 years

Text

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: Transcript

[This can also be found on AO3!]

[Intro Music]

O: Welcome back to the madness of King Bay or the second live action Transformers movie, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

S: And our second anniversary episode!

O: [laughs] Yay?

S: I sounded way too perky for that.

O: [laughs] As with the first live-action film if you like Revenge of the Fallen then this may not be the episode for you. But we'll be back soon with G1 episode 41! So please join us then.

S: Mm, Revenge of the Fallen came out in 2009, still starring Shia LaBeouf and still directed by Michael Bay-

O: It is- [laughs] Yeah, I know, pity. Uh, it is frequently considered the worst of the live-action films which is concerning that both Age of Extinction and The Last Knight have even lower ratings on Rotten Tomatoes.

S: That takes some doing.

O: Right!?! [laughs]

S: Uh-huh. Technically, even Dark of the Moon has a lower audience score than this one, but a higher critic score. So, um... make of that what you will?

O: Basically, what we're saying is until Bumblebee came out the uh, series hit its peak with its first movie [laughs]

S: Mm-hm.

O: But! Let's get started today by talking about our initial experiences with this particular film.

S: I don't think I saw this in theaters, and I found it really unmemorable. Uh, aside from there being a few characters that stood out that I still enjoy, but they're very few and far between.

O: Okay, so if you remember in the last- the previous [Bayverse] episode? I didn't remember where I saw the first movie. I remember EXACTLY when I saw this movie because I watched it in theaters for a bachelorette party. Personally, I found the concept of watching a manly action film for a bachelorette party to be fucking hilarious, and I still do! But I really wish it had been for a better movie. I don't remember having much of an opinion on it when I watched it, but I also didn't watch the third movie in the series until literally the last couple of years when I was blazing through a fuck ton of Transformers media. So, I clearly didn't care enough to see the continuation in theaters or even rent or borrow it until well after had been released.

S: We begin, yet again, with narration from the one and only Peter Cullen!

O: According to our opening scene uh, you know, the last movie is not the first time that Earth had been visited by Cybertronians.

S: Ah, shocking! We are shown some craggy mountains populated by ancient humans with spears.

O: Said ancient humans come across a huge Cybertronian installation of some sort and a bunch of Cybertronians.

S: Mm-hmm. Ominous. And then there's a weirdly ancient Egyptian or alien-esque Cybertronian with a staff that's apparently in charge.

O: Several humans are squished, and presumably they're all destroyed before we move on to Shanghai, China in the modern day.

S: Oh, will this be relevant? Who knows!

O: Maybe! Maybe! Maybe.

S: We see the Autobots and the military guys from the last movie now working together to hunt down the remaining Decepticons.

O: The combined group is named N.E.S.T. Short for, “Non-biological Extraterrestrial Species Treaty.”

S: Oh, that's a mouthful.

O: It is, so hence ‘N.E.S.T.’

S: Yeah. There have been some additions to the Autobot roster.

O: Which for simplicity's sake we're going to talk about them now, because they don't really do a lot-

S: Yup.

O: -in the movie. And they do show up (kind of) in that last section but again, very few of them even have lines. I- I think aside from Optimus, the character with the most lines might actually be Ironhide?

S: Yeah. Um, Sideswipe, not a lot of his personality from G1 or any other iteration for that matter is carried over in this, unfortunately. Instead of being a Lamborghini he's apparently decided to channel Tracks and is instead a Corvette Stingray.

O: And yet, still no Sunstreaker to be found, much to my frustration.

S: Jolt, a new character who's not in the movie except at the very end and he has very few fleeting shots in between and has no lines despite his bio saying he's come to Earth to join Optimus’ group in the last two years since the first movie. He seems to use electric whips. [makes whip noises]

O: [laughs]

S: And ah, promptly dies in the Dark of the Moon prequel comic.

O: So he never really does get to do anything.

S: Yeah.

O: So then we have Arcee, Chromia and Elita One. They are referred to as the ‘Arcee Sisters,’ or if you want to get really confusing, the ‘Arcee Twins’!?

S: [laughs]

O: Even though there's three of them-- at some point.

S: Yeah.

O: Uh, but instead of, you know, their- them being referred to by individual names. Apparently, they were written as one entity and while it depends somewhat on what real- related media you're looking at, the three of them are commonly portrayed as a multi-component Transformer much like Reflector. They have very little personality, and they do very little in the movie. Their alt modes are all motorcycles. Arcee is pink or red, depending on the toy, Chromia is blue, and Elita One is purple. Their robot modes sort of resemble Thrust from Beast Machines as they have no legs and function like weird sentient unicycles.

S: Yep, and then there's Skids and Mudflap. Oh boy, where do we start with these two? Well, uh, first, there's definitely someone out there who could have given a better breakdown on this than two random white ladies. Uh, awkward… sorry.

O: Yeah, just in advance we are both white women, we do not know what we're talking about here from a personal perspective.

S: Yeah, so we're just going to sum it up with an extremely uh- in an extremely generalized way. There was a lot of backlash for these two characters due to them possessing a number of racist african-american stereotype- stereotypical traits that at worst point to the people involved being racist in their own regard, or at best, really not thinking through how this was going to come across to the audience. They've been referred to as comic relief in the same vein as Jar Jar Binks at several points. Which is I think a good comparison for our purposes, and unlike the other five characters we just rattled off, these two will feature somewhat prominently in the movie so we'll talk more about them as they pop up.

O: At least kind of in vague sentences because as we said, none of the characters really do very much in this movie.

S: Yeah…

O: Even the ones that are in there for the bulk of the movie, don't do very much in this movie.

S: Yeah.

O: And then our returning Autobots from the first movie are Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, Ironhide, and Ratchet.

S: Mm-hm.

O: We see N.E.S.T. surround a construction vehicle that transforms into a huge ass robot mode and begins wrecking shit.

S: Yep. Things go boom and everything's extremely orange and blue regarding the lighting and environment. The second car Decepticon is spotted nearby and he tries to evade N.E.S.T. but is almost immediately bisected by Sideswipe.

O: We don't even really get to see his robot mode either- like, he sort of vaguely transformed I think, to like, crash through a building and then was- turned back into a car and was immediately killed by Sideswipe.

S: Yup. Optimus is fucking airdropped from a plane-

O: [laughs]

S: Uh, to take on the construction vehicle Decepticon.

O: I- I'm pretty sure they just really wanted that shot of a semi driving off a damn plane.

S: Yeah.

O: Which I mean, okay, fair, it's a cool shot but still. Uh, so then we see Optimus transform midair deploying some parachutes that have the Autobot logo on them... for some reason.

S: Is branding that important to the Autobots or their allies? Plus, uh, someone's gonna need to go collect those later.

O: I wanna know why he landed in the middle of a highway- in robot mode!

S: No one here seems to think critically about any of this stuff when they're effectively undercover.

O: Apparently not.

S: I mean how many people with cell phones are taking photos and video of this? TONS!

O: Tons! That becomes somewhat relevant later.

S: Even though people are still being evacuated.

O: Well, yeah- it said people were being evacuated but then to all these- all these shots that happen here, you still see a bunch of cars on the road.

S: Yeah.

O: While this is all happening.

S: And people still in their homes.

O: Yeah!

S: Optimus catches the rogue Decepticon who tells him menacingly, “The Fallen shall rise again!”

O: Hey, if it gets me out of this movie faster I for one welcome our Fallen overlord.

S: Unfortunately, we've got like, another two hours to go.

O: [sighs] Fuck.

S: And now in a completely different movie! Sam is getting ready to leave for college.

O: His parents are having very different reactions. His dad can't seem to wait for him to leave, while his mom is tearing up at every little thing that reminds her of Sam. Apparently, his dad's got plans for his room, and I'm thinking, “Man cave- how creative.”

S: Ah, he wants his personal theater system, I guess. After being hugged by his sobbing mother, Sam comments that, “You see this Dad? This is how you're supposed to react when the fruit of your loins goes into- out of the cruel world to fend for himself.” Okay, god that is such a cringe line.

O: I don't want to think about the fruit of that man's loins. I don't want to think about that man's loins at all, okay!?

S: Neither do I, that's why it's so cringy.

O: Yeah- yeah, thanks- thanks for that Sam.

S: [sighs] We are treated to an awkward moment when Sam's dad spanks his mom on the butt as she walks away. Sam is disgusted- I guess he is our audience surrogate in this moment.

O: His dad then tries to play it off as, “It's like a coach,” and NO that does not make it better! [laughs]

S: That actively makes it worse! Sexual harassment is not okay. Sam is apparently the first Witwicky to go to college.

O: I have questions. Again, what the fuck does Sam's dad do that allows them to have this huge house that didn't require a college degree at any point!? Who knows! Uh, the Witwicky’s have apparently got another dog since the last movie, uh, so just another thing to add to this movie-- dog humping.

S: Lots of dog humping, in their dog condo. It's kind of unsettling.

O: I don't know why they thought that this needed to be in the movie, but here we are.

S: Mikaela calls Sam, intending to break up with him- she is the most emotionally mature person in this movie.

O: Yep, pretty much! They talk, uh, Sam insinuates that they're going to be entering a long-distance relationship while he's at college.

S: While they're talking, Sam pulls out an old ripped t-shirt. His D-Day shirt as he refers to it. Which is apparently, the shirt that he was wearing during the battle in Central City from the first movie.

O: This is important! This is a plot point!

S: Yeah, we also have to assume that he has never washed the nasty shredded clothes from that day. Because, I suppose, he wants to hold them and relive the memories of being chased by giant alien robots that wanted to murder him.

O: [laughs] No clue. Uh, Sam does try to convince Mikaela to move near the college he's going to, but she refuses.

S: Her father's been released from jail since the first movie, and she insists on needing to take care of him. That should not be poor Mikaela's responsibility, but she is the most responsible person in this movie as I said.

O: Well, and I get it, right? Like, her dad just got out, presumably she has not seen- really been able to live with him for years. She's both worried about him, and probably wants to spend time with him.

S: Yeah, that's fair. Convenient plot device is convenient, as a sliver of the AllSpark falls off of Sam's shirt while he's on the phone to Mikaela.

O: It seems to zap Sam and then he drops it.

S: When it lands on the floor it burns its way through the floor and into the kitchen bringing a bunch of kitchen appliances to life.

O: They all attack Sam.

S: How did they get ammo? Does just being brought to life just give them ammo?

O: Uh, dear god, why does one of these things have a penis? That's my question. Furthermore, why is it shooting things OUT OF ITS PENIS!?!

S: Because... Michael Bay.

O: I had- yeah, that's all I got, man.

S: Bumblebee bursts out of the garage and begins shooting at the little Decepticons, saving Sam's sorry ass yet again.

O: Maybe Bee should be trying to smash them instead of shooting at them? They're on the front lawn at this point so all I can think is- their neighbors have to be able to see this!

S: I thought this was in the back lawn, but I'm not sure.

O: I- they're outside, he's no longer in the kitchen. He's trying to shoot Decepticons outside the house, it probably is the backyard, but I don't know. Sam yells at Bee to get in the garage.

S: Way to micromanage your giant robot bodyguard slash friend. [sighs] Again, it's like- you'd yell at a dog or something.

O: [laughs] Bad Bumblebee, bad! Of course, Bee smashed out of the garage, uh, despite having a perfectly good door in front of him and then re-enters through the hole he had previously made.

S: Sam's mother is not happy about the surprise kitchen renovations, but Sam's dad calms her down by telling her that the government will pay for it all.

O: I'm so glad to know that this is where my taxes would be going to in this universe.

S: Well, it's definitely worse than some of the other things that it could be going for.

O: [sighs] I suppose that's true.

S: Sam's mom is like fine, but I want to pool and a hot tub! And I quote, “And I'm going to skinny dip, and you can't say shit about it!”

O: And quite frankly that woman's put up with a lot of stuff, I- I respect- you know as long as she's got a good fence- her right to skinny dip in her own yard. [laughs]

S: Yeah, they need that privacy fence. Sam goes into the garage to tell the audience, I mean uh, Bee, uh, how Bee can't come to college with him.

O: For reference, ignore the bit in the last movie where Bee talked because that's just gonna be ignored for like, three freaking movies.

S: Yeah. To calm Bee down he says, “You'll always be my first car!”

O: Not even, you're my best friend- you're my first car.

S: “Congratulations Bumblebee, you're my possession!”

O: Pretty much!

S: Oh, that's creepy. Sam gives the AllSpark shard to Mikaela for some reason, because Mikaela shows up at the end of all of this.

O: Right, you know like, everything has exploded, Mikaela's out there looking lovely with a bouquet of flowers.

S: Yep, instead of calling the Autobots or giving it to Bumblebee, nope it is given to Mikaela for safe keeping. Well, I mean she is the most sensible person out of the civilians?

O: Everyone here? Yeah, it's not that it- can't make it that- it's not that I don't think Mikaela can keep it safe. She manages to do so quite swimmingly through this movie, but it's rather… not that she can use it at all, and it could potentially be dangerous for her to have it on her person!

S: Yeah.

O: And Bee is right there! It's not like he couldn't give it to Bee and tell Bee to take it to the Autobots.

S: Yeah, like, that would be, uh, a lot more sensible. Though if they'd done that it might have been put in with the other... another thing that happens later in the movie.

O: [laughs] True.

S: Anyway, they smooch, words are said, and a somewhat sappy 2000 era love song plays.

O: Meanwhile, no one seems to notice the toy remote control truck that's being controlled by no one.

S: A remote controlled truck that is somehow communicating with outer space, and somehow this character will be vaguely important

O: Shush! My boy is here!

B: [laugh]

S: Ah, Soundwave shows up and takes over a surveillance satellite.

O: I'm sure I've mentioned this before at some point because I know I've said this multiple times, at least to Specs, but yes, I actually like the Bay version of Soundwave. He's not in the movie much, but having him take over a satellite and spend the rest of the movie gathering intelligence and sending troops out? *chef’s kiss* Feels very in character, keep going baby. His design is still garbage... just like everybody else though.

S: And his voice sounds very nice.

O: That's because it's actually Welker! He's allowed to be in this movie, doing a sizeable chunk of the speaking Decepticons even! This is not a G1 similarity I necessarily expected, but I do find it hilarious. Apparently, he also did the voice for Soundwave in a bunch of other language dubs too, which while interesting... I have to question why? It's not like Soundwave's voice would have necessarily sounded the same in those other languages in the original G1 dub. It just sounds like an odd decision?

S: Money.

O: Money. I- kudos to him for attempting it at least? But I still don't know why they did it.

S: Back at the N.E.S.T. headquarters, we see Mudflap and Skids uh, shenanigans, and they're unloading dozens of bodies! Presumably, soldiers that died in Shanghai, uh- that's, uh, welcome to the morbid stuff that they don't spend any time on it at all.

O: Uh, why Sideswipe silver? You had one job movie, one job. Sideswipe is a little red sports car this is like, his defining characteristic- surely this was doable!

S: I don't think anyone involved in making the movie was a very big fan of G1 or wanted to maintain, you know, artistic integrity with regards to that.

O: [sighs] Yeah, I know, what am I saying? I think the actual reason is I've heard red is harder to film?

S: Oh, that might be right.

O: Like- but- [sighs] I don't- it could be, because I want to say- I'm sorry if I'm incorrect- I want to say that's actually the reason Optimus’ color scheme got changed around quite a bit?

S: Mm.

O: And why he's got more blue on him.

[According to TFWiki: “When Optimus's design was first revealed, many fans of the Generation 1 series objected to the flames seen on Prime's body. When asked in an interview why he put the flames on, Michael Bay claimed he liked them because it was "cool". It was later revealed on a special featurette on the DVD that the flames were added because, apparently, red is not very good to film on camera, so Bay chose a blue truck but used the flames so that when Optimus transformed, the layout would result in maintaining his iconic red chest.”]

S: So, a jumped up government official shows up at N.E.S.T. headquarters.

O: And I think we all know where this is going. Uh, this will be our bureaucratic bastard for this evening.

S: Yeah, you know, the wimpy suit who keeps getting in the way of the ARMY men and their REAL job- AMERICA!

B: [laughs]

S: Sorry, um, and here we have a lovely shot of Optimus transforming. It's like some nice rotating thing.

O: Okay, get the robot transformation porn out of the way, next!

S: [sighs] And the bureaucratic weasel confronts Optimus on why haven't the Decepticons left the planet now that the AllSpark is destroyed, like they thought they would?

O: Optimus seems to take the opinion that Daddy Prime knows best. Weasel's not super happy about this, but Optimus does say the Autobots will leave Earth if asked. Neither of these groups are handling this super amazingly. (Yes, even Optimus.) Both sides have a point, if they'd stop trying to wave their metaphorical DICKS around and actually talk from a position of respecting each other's expertise, I'm betting this would go a whole lot better.

S: Probably. The N.E.S.T. members back Optimus up. Our only returning characters here are Lennox and Epps, both played by the same actors from last time.

O: Though I did not realize this at first. I totally thought Epps was played by somebody completely different, and I'm gonna blame the writing because Epps is not given a lot of things to do here.

S: He was a very memorable character in the first movie.

O: Yeah.

S: Yeah, and uh, anyway back to college! College away!

O: Sam's apparently going to Princeton, on the government's dime no less!

S: Oh god, he does absolutely nothing with it in later films. Again, we're assuming due to the filming locations that Sam lives in Southern California or thereabouts so we're a bit surprised to realize he actually decided to go to college on the other side of the country.

O: It certainly doesn't come across like Mikaela is a priority in his life.

S: Yeah. I mean seriously, he could have gone to school in California there's plenty of good schools in California.

O: Yup! But uh, are you ready for some booze and boobs?

S: [sighs] We're introduced to Sam's roommates.

O: The only one that will actually play much of a role in the plot will be our buddy, Leo here.

S: I hope you're being sarcastic.

O: I mean- I mostly mean that he's there.

S: Well, no, I meant with the buddy bit.

O: [speaking while laughing] Uh, yes, that was sarcasm.

S: Yeah. Uh, Leo runs a conspiracy theory website called The Real Effing Deal which is currently scrambling to get a- footage of the fight from Shanghai. Uh, from earlier in the movie up on their site.

O: Which again, is ABUNDANT! Because Optimus landed in the middle of a highway.

S: Yup.

O: Anyway, they're trying to do this until another person, Robo-Warrior, one ups them and gets the footage up, I think on a different site, first.

S: Yeah. Sam does his best to play cool and blow Leo and his friends off because it's all, “Fake.” [laughs]

O: Also, I'd like to take- take a moment to note the era accurate Naruto poster decor among the sea of boobs.

S: Yeah. Leo makes a comment that he and Sam are poor.

O: Alright! Sit down and buckle up because this legitimately pissed me the fuck off. So to rant for a moment, let's go back down the checklist of Sam's white fucking privilege, shall we? He lives in a big house in a nice neighborhood. In what we are assuming is Southern California, which is not a cheap place to live. His parents have enough time for leisure activities and in fact, go on vacation in Paris after dropping Sam off.

S: Yup.

O: His dad bought him a car in the last movie and yes, he was very much implied to be being a cheap ass at the time, but at no point is there any indication he couldn't have bought Sam a nicer car.

S: And the car that he's driving when he like, jerks him around on what type of car he's going to get him, it looks like it's a fancy expensive car so...

O: That's also true! Speaking as someone who grew up in a lower income rural area, and I say this not even remotely being the worst off in that area. Our floors were rotting out, every time we had a heavy rain we had to run to the windows with towels because so many of them leaked, and more applicable in this situation- my family did not have the money to save up for college for me, or any of my siblings. Yes, I realize the government is apparently paying for his tuition, but that just proves my point even more, because Sam's gonna come out of this with no student loan debt!

S: Yup!

O: So poor my fucking ass!

S: Uh-huh. Sam's mom shows up in his dorm room high is a goddamn kite because she apparently bought and ate some brownies from the bake sale not realizing that they were weed brownies.

O: And she's just gonna be a punchline for the next several scenes, sorry.

S: Yeah. To just list a few of the things that his high as a kite mother does: She talks about him losing his virginity loudly, and kind of at length to various women in the hallway. [nervous laugh] And in the surrounding environs, mentioning that his car is a talking robot, tackles a dude for some frisbees, and petitions Sam's dad for sex on the campus green. Considering how much she ate it's very likely she will need to go to the hospital because her knees may attempt to kill her.

O: Uh, then we cut the Soundwave, apropos of nothing, uh, ejecting Ravage into space. Look, I get him for 10 seconds I'm going to fucking enjoy it.

S: Ravage’s design here is very prominent with the pointy bits and teeth.

O: Rawr. [laughs]

S: And he lands near a US military base and runs over to a pipe sticking out of the ground and basically- uh, ralphs up a bunch of itty-bitty bots?

O: Into the pipe. Uh, you know. So I’m just saying uh, Soundwave’s baby had babies, this clearly makes Soundwave a grandad.

B: [laugh]

S: All the bots fall down the pipe and once they're at the other end meld together to form a new bot that is...gah.

O: He's interesting! At least, visually, in that he is basically flat, so he can be borderline invisible when he's looking head-on at something.

S: He looks like a knife raptor.

O: Uh, this thing's name is Reedman and he doesn't show up except in this one scene. Uh, he also brings our ‘Decepticons voiced by Frank Welker’ count up to three after Soundwave and Ravage.

S: Reedman?

O: Reedman, yeah! I looked at the wiki!

S: [laughs]

O: I looked at the wiki, and I was like, “That's a terrible name!” but that's the name!

S: I am judging whoever named that character, so hard.

O: [laughs] Aren't we just judging the entire movie?

S: Oh yes, but…Reedman?

O: Fuck if I know, man.

S: Another piece (aside from Sam's piece) of the AllSpark is being held here so, uh, Reedman gets to work stealing it.

O: Alarms begin to go off and several military guys arrive at the bunker and shoot at our knife raptor.

S: Ravage begins firing at the base to distract them.

O: I'm very amused he's got his tiny little hip missiles too!

S: Meanwhile, back at the plot we're all absolutely dying to continue- cough, cough, no, cough.

O: [laughs]

S: Sam's been dragged to a college frat party by his roommates?

O: It looks like a frat party. I don't even know why they want to bring Sam uh, they don't even seem to like him.

S: Eh, they want to have someone less cool with them so that basically they can be like, “Hey, look at that lame guy, we're much cooler.”

O: Well, Sam is definitely the least cool person in the area right now due to mommy shenanigans.

S: Yeah, while at the party Sam is missing his first video call with Mikaela. God, you are such a sucky long distance boyfriend, Sam!

O: Right!? You had one job! So we see Mikaela getting ready, taking her hair down and talking to her doggo while getting her computer set up.

S: Sam's- uh, promptly begins to spazz out by the uh, snack table and draws strange symbols with food.

O: These symbols are Cybertronian and the AllSpark fragment has helpfully downloaded a bunch of stuff directly into Sam's brain.

S: [sighs] We've upgraded from they want the glasses to they're going to want the brain, aren't they?

O: Something along those lines, yes! Quite frankly, again, I think they can have it. [laughs]

S: One partygoer notices Sam's new hobby and saunters over to seduce herself to him.

O: [laughs] Uh, blondie's name is Alice, and don't worry we'll get to see her panties later because what the absolute fucking fuck Bay!?!

S: [sighs] Bay, why- why'd you hurt me so? [sighs] There's a discussion about girlfriends and Sam says, “kind of,” in regards to having one.

O: Kind of? KIND OF!?! Sam, you dick waffle!

S: [sighs] The quintessential jock yells, “Who drove the freaking yellow Camaro!?”

O: Sam’s Bee senses tingle, and he leaves the party.

S: Bee is waiting outside on the lawn, or possibly the bushes but…

O: In that general vicinity! [laughs]

S: Yeah, but Alice follows him down and hops into Bee's passenger seat.

O: Bee attempts to communicate to Sam that this woman is ~baaaad news~ using various voice clips and songs. And this would have been a really interesting bit if Bee did have his voice back and he had to communicate with Sam like this because he's doing it in front of Alice!

S: Yeah, like, that would have been interesting and a neat way of utilizing his past experience to communicate.

O: Yeah, because I- I don't know remember if we've talked about this super much but there- there's nothing wrong with Bee still relying a bit on that because it is kind of funny and entertaining to see. It's- just make it so he has to use it in scenarios with other people around?

S: Yeah, god, he could do so much with musical lyrics.

O: Pretty much!

S: Alice seems to know something is up, as Bee makes her as uncomfortable as physically possible as he can, including spraying her with a icky yellow liquid and slamming her into the dashboard.

O: She exits in a huff before Bumblebee takes Sam to a graveyard where the rest of the Autobots are waiting.

S: So that was night. Now we are inexplicably in the daytime, I think?

O: Morning. Early morning it looks like.

S: Yeah. Optimus tells Sam the last piece (or as much as he is aware) of the AllSpark was stolen and attempts to convince Sam to remind the other humans why the Autobots are necessary and why they're trying to use a college student for this is a big question.

O: I don't know- and Sam says no, because he's just a normal college student. I don't understand this, I feel like I would jump at a chance like this? Like, dude, does it have good health insurance? Does it have a pension? Yes? Sign me the fuck up! But I want to ask, why the heck didn't Sam tell the Autobots here about the fragment he gave to Mikaela!?

S: Because he's a shitty little baby- I mean, obviously.

O: Oh, [unintelligible]. Then out in the middle of the ocean in a different movie… Over the Laurentian Abyss, which is where the dead Cons were dumped in the last movie. Several Decepticons have stowed away on what looks like a cargo ship.

S: The fact that it's going directly over where they need to go is uh... they probably hacked it.

O: Wouldn't shock me.

S: Yeah, so who the Decepticons are is absolutely unimportant. The only recognizable one is Ravage.

O: And I think only one other one will actually get named.

S: Yeah.

O: Uh, so they all jump off the ship and into the water, and I have to you know, bring up- they specifically said they dumped the dead bodies into this trench because of the pressure and cold in the last movie. So, why are all these Cons just perfectly fine with a little skinny dipping?

S: I mean, maybe it's just supposed to keep- I don't know, whatever self-repair systems the dead ones have from working and it doesn't do shit to like, perfectly fine robots? I don’t know.

O: They were using cold as a weapon against them in one though. Like, against Bee.

S: That's absolutely true, but I mean, if cold didn't [did] do anything to them how would they operate in space?

O: I don't know, but they clearly had Megatron on ice.

S: Who knows... yeah.

O: And he got frozen in the Arctic!

S: Yeah, I know, the entire thing is garbage. It may be- maybe water- maybe frozen water is their kryptonite? God. [laughs]

O: Welcome to Earth! [laughs]

S: Why didn't they dismember the Decepticons, or incinerate them? Or you know, take important parts, crush them, destroy them or whatever. Like, throw them in 100 different places- that would work a lot better than this! Run them through a trash compactor or something, before they dump them down into the Laurentian tre- Abyss.

O: I’ll tell you exactly why. Uh, because the government put out a bid for trash removal and the lowest bidder won.

S: The government does stupid things, many times. [sighs] We see a military sub monitoring this area, reading the five Cybertronian life signs.

O: They reach Megatron and a little doctor bot (whose name is Scalpel), starts uh, poking around at his corpse.

S: [sighs] He shouts about his need for parts, and one of the nameless Constructicons is offed. The parts and the AllSpark fragment are all shoved into Megatron.

O: So Megatron's back.

S: Yup.

O: And yet, still voiced by Hugo Weaving so I don't care. No offense, Hugo Weaving. Uh, get back to me in two movies. Also notice they didn't kill Ravage here, because I'm entirely convinced Soundwave would end them.

S: Probably, because I mean, they did like- the little doctor boss specified, “Kill the little one!”

O: It- to- pointing to a random Constructicon.

S: Yeah. Fun bout of bad continuity, the radar shows the five life signs, as Ravage and Scalpel are both too small to show up, and then uh, when they come up they have six life signs but uh, you'll remember they had to kill a Constructicon down there. So uh, it should be this same number, even with Megatron in tow. Or maybe they brought the other Con- Decepticons back to life, I don't know?

O: I don't think so, we never see them. They could have brought Blackout back to life, but we'll get into why they didn't later.

S: I mean maybe they brought uh, shoot- Scorponok?

O: No, Scorponok never died in the first movie.

S: Oh… well… yeah.

O: He just- they got his tail like-

S: Oh, that’s right.

O: The- the army guys cut off his tail but then he disappeared.

S: Oh, that's right. Mm.

O: Megatron's apparently salty enough at humans though, in general, to smash through this- the military sub on his way up, so all those people are dead now.

S: He'd do that even if he wasn't feeling salty, you know that.

O: Oh yeah, he's a bastard, but you know.

S: Uh, Megatron flies to one of Saturn's moons where the Nemesis is being uh, well, it's parked and is used as a base by some of the remaining Decepticons, which includes our old buddy Starscream. And he knocks Starscream around for taking over the Decepticons while he was ‘away’.

O: You know, while he was literally fucking dead. [laughs]

S: And so we are introduced to the Darth Sidious to Megatron's Darth Maul.

O: Including liberal use of the word ‘disciple’!

S: [sighs] So much sighing. This is the Fallen whose name we will not find out in the movie itself because it would be really fucking confusing to have Megatron, and his master, Megatronus, running around.

O: Also, um, a bunch of little baby robots in pods? On the wall.

S: Robot eggs. So many robot eggs.

O: But no really, I'm not sure we can explain that any better than we just did- so just roll with it.

S: Yeah. Anyway, the Fallen isn't shown to have an alt mode in this, but once you see him you do realize he was the Transformer that was shown at the very beginning of the movie while Optimus was monologuing.

O: And as kind of mentioned previously, he looks vaguely like the queen from Alien, but you know, with eyes and a huge staff he fights with.

S: And less arms and no tail.

O: Yeah. Apparently though, only a Prime can kill the Fallen. Don't ask us how the fuck that works!

S: I guess only a Prime can kill a Prime? Because wasn't the Fallen a Prime?

O: Yes, he was considered a Prime but I don't- I still don't know how the mechanics of that work is what I'm getting at.

S: Is it just a weird cultural hangup?

O: I- I don't know! That's what I'm saying, it's never explained!

S: I know, I know. This will get weird in a bit.

O: [laughs]

S: It will! [sighs]

O: But they're like, “So if we remove that one pesky remaining Prime we’ll be off scot-free!” [laughs]

S: Yep. The Fallen explains that the AllSpark cannot be destroyed it can merely be transformed.

O: Everything transforms on Cybertron, but right now the AllSpark is currently living rent free in Sam's head.

S: And I think he wants some goddamn rent, but I think we all want some goddamn rent for having this living rent free in our heads.

O: [laughs] Right!?! Bay, you should pay us for watching this movie!

S: [sighs] So, the Decepticons are going to go after Sam (again), kill Optimus, or at least make another attempt at it (again), and presumably somehow use Sam's brain as they AllSpark.

O: But then Starscream walks in holding a dead robot baby, waving it around and saying they need more Energon or all the hatchlings will continue to die.

S: Well, someone apparently… uh.

O: I just don't know why this is here. I'm sorry, I don't- I don't know why they felt the need to have Starscream motioning while holding a dead baby!

S: [laughs] Being a very bad nurse maid-

O: Yes! But now it's time to go back to school.

S: I already want to hit someone in this class well, multiple someones. Sam is setting it in on his physics class.

O: With the absolute creepiest, filthiest, fucking professor I have seen in a good long while.

S: Ah, innuendos, a god complex, this man is so many sexual harassment lawsuits, and a restraining order waiting to happen.

O: This is not appealing! Who the fuck does this appeal to?

S: I don't know but I'm ace, so I'm possibly not the best person to ask.

O: Is this a straight woman thing!? Where the hell are we gonna find one of those this time of night?

B: [laugh]

S: Sam starts freaking out like he was uh, doing at the party, writing equations, and stuff all over the board. He basically gets up, and bowls his way into- up to the front of the class and basically shows up the shitty professor.

O: Uh, Bulkhead did this in Prime, I'd like to personally nominate Bulkhead as our main character instead of Sam.

S: Oh yeah, Bulkhead would be a much more fun character. Sam is promptly kicked out of the class uh, because showing up the professor and also the fact that the dean is apparently there. So he's been- that professor has been like this while the dean is there.

O: Yes, so, uh, obviously he's sleeping with the old lady too, is what I'm getting from this.

S: That's creepy, it's even worse! I mean, this is a female dean.

O: Yeah, female dean not just a random like, male dean, I mean an older female dean!

S: [sighs] Oh god. Sam calls Mikaela mid freak out, and realizes that the AllSpark has caused his little problem.

O: Uh, so he asks her to bring the AllSpark fragment to him on the East Coast. Uh, by the way I would just like to take a moment to tell you this very important information, Mikaela's dog's name is Bones.

S: Uh, the little remote controlled truck Decepticon, who we regret to inform you is this universe's version of Wheelie, uhh, is stalking around the garage where Mikaela is.

O: Wheelie, uh, clearly hasn't gotten the memo on you know, Mikaela taking out a Decepticon with a power tool in the first movie, decides to be a dumbass and say, “You're hot, but you're not too bright,” as he attempts to steal the AllSpark fragment.

S: The fact that Wheelie has some sort of metric for human um, attractiveness is honestly, really concerning.

O: Just a little bit.

S: [sighs]

O: Uh, predictably though, Mikaela fucks him up with a welding torch, including taking out one of his optics.

S: Wheelie begs for mercy from the Warrior Goddess.

O: At last Mikaela is given a proper title.

S: Uh-huh, and then Mikaela shoves him in a box and hops on a plane.

O: Metal box, I feel like it's important it does actually hold him.

S: Yeah, a metal box, and hops on a plane with him and the AllSpark. And honestly this feels like something that she couldn't successfully do after 9/11.

O: Which is hilarious, because this was definitely filmed after 9/11. So we just have to go with she's so sexy that she was able to get the big metal box on the plane without having to go through an x-ray.

S: Except that everything that goes on the plane when you check it should go through x-ray…

O: I know, I know!

S: Or-

O: Boobs! The power of boobs!

S: Never mind that the power of boobs should not, you know, somehow affect the people that do not get exposed to the boobs.

O: See- see this is why uh, this movie would have been stopped in its tracks if one of the TSA agents had been a woman- a straight woman.

S: Or one of the people who sorts stuff or- because like, just imag-

O: It looked like it was her carry-on.

S: Now I'm just imagining that the people, because like you know how they sometimes go and randomly open bags to go through the contents? [laugh] I'm just imagining someone doing that and then there being a major freak out because out comes a stupid remote controlled car that’s yelling at everyone.

O: [laughs] Yeah… yeah.

S: Uh, then we cut to a short segment showing that all the Autobots are heading to locations on the East Coast as the rest of N.E.S.T. mobilizes.

O: But wait! Decepticon pretenders are afoot at Princeton!

S: That's not ominous at all. Sam is in his room going nuts and writing stuff on the wall.

O: Uh, and then Alice pushes her way into Sam's room and attempts a rather forceful seduction.

S: She straight up picks him up and tosses him on the bed.

O: Which really should have been his first clue that something was very wrong!

S: Yeah, because Alice is not uh, portrayed as a…

O: A big woman.

S: Yes.

O: She's very slight and conventionally attractive.

S: Yeah, so she gets on top of him, and then we get the most awkward shot of Decepticon panties as the metal tail comes out from underneath Alice's extremely short dress.

O: Thanks for that Michael Bay. I always, always wondered what brand of underpants Decepticons were wear, given the chance.

S: [sighs] She kisses Sam, apparently with tongue, and Mikaela walks in and is understandably pissed.

O: Alice asks if she's his girlfriend and Mikaela just says, “Ex,” and walks out, and I'm just like, “Yes, girl DRAG him!”

S: And meanwhile, Leo is sort of fluttering around in the background.

O: Yes, uh, because Alice pushed past him to get into their dorm room.

S: Sam attempts to follow, but Alice is 99% done with his dumb ass.

O: Uh, she attempts to strangle him with her suddenly very long and metal tongue.

S: Ah, that has apparently been places I do not want to think about.

O: I do not want to think about any of this, yeah.

S: Yeah. Sam is able to escape, and we see Alice transform into a very obvious robot.

O: Sam, Mikaela, and Leo run into a nearby library where Sam and Mikaela begin having a whisper argument.

S: They're busy whisper shouting this entire time. Alice catches up and smashes through the library, still chasing them.

O: I'm surprised this thing still has hair in robot mode.

S: Hair? I mean its still got boobs!

O: Bay, what the fuck!?

B: [laugh]

O: So they hop in the car, Mikaela saves both their butts by hot wiring it, and slamming Alice into a lamp post before running her over again with the car.

S: Where was Bumblebee during all of this?

O: Uh, he was actually with the Autobots a few- the other Autobots a few scenes back, so he's definitely not here.

S: Yeah unfortunately Sam and company don't get very far and are captured by Grindor who picks them up like, so you know those uh, claw machines-

O: [laughs]

S: At grocery stores? Grindor basically does that and then he carries them off, like- they’re his claw machine loot. Nearly losing one in the process.

O: I mean, truely, they kind of are. So, uh, you- to- get- you know how I just mentioned that they definitely couldn't have brought Blackout back to life? That is because Grindor looks exactly like Blackout, but he's not Blackout. Because Blackout died at the end of the last movie, and we totally thought he was Blackout and he's even listed as Blackout on some of the toys and a good chunk of promotional material, but- but he's a different character. I don't know why they did this.

S: I don't know they wanted to keep the trademark in use, maybe?

O: [groans]

S: For the Grindor name, because they used it- I think, in anime- Armada. I think they used it in Armada, so this was probably just blatant patent-

O: It was bad though. [laughs]

S: Oh yeah, I know. Or um, trade- name trademarks? I don't know.

O: But he makes a Decepticon number four voiced by Welker.

S: Mm-hm. So, the car is dropped into some kind of warehouse where Sam is confronted by the now very alive Megatron.

O: Who's definitely holding a grudge against Sam for the whole ‘killing him in the last movie’ thing.

S: Yep, Sam is laid out on a concrete slab and Scalpel gets to work. Starting with shoving a metal squid down Sam's throat, uhh…

O: No, no, no! No, no, no, no, NOPITY, nope, nope, nope nope!

S: Yeah, this is uh, pretty gross and I don't like it and I don't think anyone else likes it either. A metal squid uh, exits his mouth and projects images of what's in Sam's brain. [groans]

O: But! This is apparently not all the information in his brain, as Scalpel definitely intends to remove it from his head.

S: Sam is saved just in time by the Autobots.

O: I want to know how Megatron even got into this warehouse. There's not any like, big holes that we can see or anything, aside from the one Grindor- when Grindor dropped the car through.

S: Yeah, there really don't seem to be any openings big enough for him that we can see.

O: Okay, just going to assume mass shifting in this continuity for no good reason, okay.

S: Either that or he did the stupid ‘I'm a contortionist’ through the door, which seems way more respect for the -

O: [laughs] Robot limbo!

S: That seems to be way more uh, respect for the integrity of this building than Megatron should feel.

O: Yes!

S: Ah, so, um, Leo and Mikaela escape in Bee while Optimus takes Sam.

O: So they're separated, and Optimus has to fight Megatron alone. And Megatron turns into a tank for a split second! I didn't even realize this version of him could BE a tank!

S: Yeah, he's a multiformer?

O: Apparently!

[In the background crowd noises are heard as the hosts begin speaking like sports announcers.]

O: But now, it's the match of the century here at the Forest Fighting arenaaaa!

S: It's Megatron versus Optimus tonight, folks!

O: The Warlord himself versus Optimus Fucking Prime! [laughs]

[A wrestling bell rings in the background to signify the start of the match.]

S: Optimus gets a good right hook in.

O: Right before being tackled by Megatron!

S: Is that legal?

O: Hell if I know! It's giant robots, it's all the same amount of legal!

S: Oh! He's got the tree!

[The crowd increases in volume.]

S: Optimus has got the tree!

O: What a hit, you know that one must have hurt!

S: And now it's a sword fight? They both are up and swinging away!

O: It just turned into a three-on-one match, folks!

[The crowd begins booing.]

S: Oh no- no, Optimus- Starscream and Grindor have joined the fray!

O: Wait, somehow a human's gotten into the arena.

S: Starscream and Megatron are chasing him down.

[The crowd increases in volume]

O: But Optimus has intercepted them and has taken them both on!

S: Starscream has been tossed out of the arena- out of bounds, out of bounds!

O: Optimus has gone through a tree!

S: Now the Cons are all just taking turns hitting him. You hate to see it folks, you hate to see it!

O: Optimus is eatin’ dirt!

S: But he's back and now dual wielding blades!

O: Grindor’s lost an arm!

S: Megatron’s taken a good one to the kneecap.

O: And hit to the face!

S: That's it! That's it for Grindor! Hook, line and sinker!

[The crowd roars.]

O: Oh, he must have a splittin’ headache!

S: Or at least he would if he still had a head.

O: But Optimus is distracted before taking the blade to the chest!

[A wrestling bell sounds to signify the end of the match.]

O: That's it! It's all over! Optimus is down, I repeat- Optimus is down! Megatron's the winner!

[Applause and the crowd noise fades out]

O: No really, Optimus is dead now, because Bay wants to make us feel things.

S: Except very badly, and unfortunately, this Optimus didn’t back up his brain on a floppy disk. And I mean there is no pathos here!

O: Of course somehow during all of this no one ends our suffering by squishing Sam accidentally or otherwise.

S: [sighs]

O: [laughs]

S: The rest of the Autobots drive up just in time to see Optimus body.

O: Where the fuck were they!?!

S: Being useless.

O: Yeah, that checks out.

S: Megatron and Starscream flee and land on a skyscraper in the middle of a city, and then argue about what to do next. And we cut to Soundwave doing what he does best, remotely managing resources.

O: Which in this case means tracking Sam's parents down in Paris as they enjoy some fine parisian food, and prank calling them.

S: Yeah, his mom is not impressed about the heavy breathing. Such as it is.

O: We then see several Decepticons, including The Fallen, fall to Earth taking out several air carriers and buildings as they land.

S: One of these Decepticons captures Sam's parents.

O: The Fallen sends out a tv broadcast basically spelling out that he wants Sam turned over to him in order to spare the rest of the planet.

S: Ah, the news story is shown, letting us know that worldwide the number of casualties is in the ballpark of seven thousand, and well, that's not as horrifying as it came across initially, but mmm…

O: Just seven thousand, for the entire world? I, for one, welcome our Decepticon overlords. In case you're watching this in the future, we're recording this at the tail end of 2020 and we live in the US. That's literally less than 30% of the US’ current Covid death count at this point- eh- while we were researching this episode. It's probably more now.

S: Sam, Mikaela, Leo, Bee, and the Twins are hiding out in, and around some abandoned buildings.

O: Leo's upset, but Sam tells him to suck it up because he's involved now.

S: A helicopter dumps Optimus’ body over at N.E.S.T., and that was not a respectful handling of a dead body.

O: To be fair, he is very big, and the humans are very small, and that was not an Autobot helicopter.

S: Yeah, but that was effectively a world leader.

O: Yeah, Ironhide is upset and uh, begins to get antsy with his guns.

S: Mr. Government Weasel shows up and shuts N.E.S.T. down. Lennox gets upset when he realizes the US government is planning out to hand Sam over.

O: And they're right to consider it! You should (theoretically speaking) hand over one person if has the possibility of stopping a massive amount of death!

S: The problem is it wouldn't stop the massive amount of death, and it would just let them basically strip mine the planet because the Decepticons- the name starts with deception.

O: Fair, but the only ones who would know that are the Autobots and possibly members of N.E.S.T. From the perspective of government officials, who do not have this information, it makes sense.

S: Yeah. Skids and Mudflap clue the group in on trying to find someone who can read the Cybertronian text the AllSpark downloaded into Sam's brain.

O: Leo has decided to join them on their uh, “adventure”.

S: In quotation marks. Which is probably uh, for the best because he knows a guy who might be able to help.

O: Remember the rival internet guy from before?

S: Guess who's back from the first movie, and it might not be your first thought!

O: That's right, Agent Simmons from the first movie, who is no longer- is a no longer an agent, is Robo-Warrior.

S: I feel like the tech guy from the first movie would have probably made a better Robo-Warrior.

O: Yeah, I do too... I do too.

S: [sighs] So, Sam and company arrive at Simmons’ mom's deli, or possibly his deli that his mom works at too or something? I don't know it…

O: It's not very clear.

S: Yeah.

O: Uh, come to find out that Simmons has held on to some old Sector 7 documents.

S: Not just some, uh, he stole a lot of shit from Sector 7. Like, enough to fill like a sub basement.

O: [snorts] Uh, now Mikaela pulls out Wheelie, who has been in tow in the metal box.

S: Uh-huh.

O: Uh, smooth talking him into helping them.

S: Wheelie also can't read the writing from before, saying that it's in the ‘language of the Primes’ and that they need a Seeker.

O: I had completely forgotten they referred to these guys as Seekers until we watched this again. I kind of had a ‘what the fuck’ moment.

S: Same. Seekers, in this continuity are ancient Cybertronians that had been tasked with traveling the galaxy, looking for stars to use as energy sources for the AllSpark. This is a little bit of a hint, hint, hint, for uh, something that might happen later.

O: In a convenient coinkydink, some of Simmons’ old documents show several of these Seekers in their alt modes.

S: Wheelie is able to identify an SR-71 Blackbird in the National Air and Space Museum as a Seeker.

O: So off the gang goes to Washington DC.

S: Outside the National Air and Space Museum, Simmons rips off his pants, revealing the Sector 7 thong to the audience... and then turns around so we can get the view from every angle. That’s-

O: No, no, no. I did not need to see robot balls. I did not need to see hairy man balls, and I certainly did not need to see hairy man ass! I'm not even sure why he did this!? I assume he changed pants but I don't know why he did that right here, in a parking lot, in front of everyone!

S: For the pain, I don't know.

O: [laughs]

S: And thus, they come up with the most amazing scheme to get into the museum as it's closing. Leo's being a coward and Simmons intimidates him a bit.

O: Oh god! That man is pressing his man meat against that man's meat!

S: [sighs] Inside the museum, Leo comes out of the bathroom with his pants… mmm, like, down around his ankles, looking for toilet paper.

O: Why did they want to do this to me? I am feeling personally attacked by the quantity of hairy man I am seeing in this movie!

S: Why are they doing this to us? It’s not just to you-

O: Why are they doing this to everyone!?! [laughs]

S: Yeah. The security guard escorts Leo back into the bathroom, chastising him about how this is a family museum.

O: Yeah, the only one guy doing their job here is the security guard, okay?

S: Yeah, and [he] attempts to hand them toilet paper over the top of the stall.

O: Leo then zaps him with a taser and the man falls to the ground.

S: Of course Leo manages to uh, taze himself with the taser too and falls down, kind of by the guy, and is unable to move.

O: Simmons comes in and drags Leo, still twitching, out of the bathroom.

S: I am hoping that his pants are up, but god who knows with this movie-

O: I don't think they were when he started dragging him. [laughs]

S: God, why?

O: Oh, there was butt- his butt cheeks were ALL over that floor.

S: [sighs] So, they run through the museum and find the correct jet, and then Sam uses the AllSpark fragment on that jet.

O: You would think that perhaps, perhaps, before using an AllSpark fragment to wake a Cybertronian up you might check his goddamn faction badge first but, NOOOO! It’s only after the jet begins to transform they notice the goddamn Decepticon symbol.

S: We are introduced to easily what is not only the best robot character in this movie, but quite possibly the best character in the movie, period.

O: Meet Jetfire! He's old, he's cranky, he's a delight, and he's got a pretty sweet looking beard.

S: Yep, and a cane made from his alt mode’s landing gear. You know, for extra old man points.

O: Now bit of a tangent, but in G1 you will remember Skyfire. Our big sweetie pie scientist.

S: Starscream’s ex, you can't forget that.

O: Can’t forget that, and also frequently utilized as a taxi service by the Autobots.

S: Well, Skyfire is often named Jetfire instead, depending on the continuity. You know, name stuff is weird...

O: Yeah, and- but this Jetfire doesn't have too much in common with our big old scientist, I just wanted to point out that he was clearly referencing him. Um, but the one thing he does have in common and the most important thing to the idiots we're following, is that he is a Decepticon defector.

S: Mm-hmm. Jetfire attempts to fire at a large door to get outside but is uh, having some uh, ‘performance issues’ with his equipment.

O: [laughs] Uh, he is able to get outside, so our party follows him um... into Arizona. And yes, we know that movies often have to be shot at other locations, or fudge locations and make certain events work. But I find this one particularly jarring as they are clearly in a desert with mountains off in the distance which does not line up with the geography around Washington DC.

S: Yeah, considering that it was what, a swamp?

B: [laugh]

O: Definitely not a desert with mountains!

S: Yeah, ah, this part was actually filmed at the 309th Aerospace Maintenance and Regeneration Group, or The Boneyard, in Tuscan, Arizona.

O: Jetfire gives a speech about how being an Autobot or a Decepticon is a choice.

S: An intensely personal choice, even. And Wheelie's like, “Holy shit it IS!?!”

O: And proceeds to start humping Mikaela's leg, charming.

S: [long drawn out sigh] So many sighs.

O: [laughs] I don't understand all the humping in this movie Bay, I really don't.

S: Juvenile male humor?

O: I guess?

S: Guys think humping shit is funny, somehow? I don't know. [sighs] Jetfire shows his uh, senility a little bit talking about his parents.

O: “My father? Why he was a wheel! The first wheel, and you know what he transformed into? Nothing! But he did so with honor- dignity, damn it!”

S: And that is a direct quote-

O: [laughs]

S: Straight from the man himself!

O: He's a delight.

S: [sighs] Sam pulls out a knife and begins carving the uh, Cybertronian symbols into the ground. I mean, where- where'd he get the knife? I have questions.

O: Thong man? Probably?

S: Disconcerting- disconcertingly, yes, that is probable. Um, Jetfire blabbers off about the Dagger's Tip before generating a space bridge, and teleporting everyone to Egypt with uh, very little warning. I mean the only warning he gives them is, “Hold on or you'll die!” to the nearby squishies

O: I also feel like we need to preface, Dagger's Tip as in a location, not talking about the- the knife Sam is holding. Realize that might be a little confusion without- confusing without context.

S: Yeah, and are Bumblebee and the Twins… are also here?

O: The Twins are also here translated- trans- translated? Transported.

S: Okay, because yeah, they apparently showed up after they they exited and mass translocated to Arizona. [sighs] Life is weird in this movie.

O: Yeah, so uh, then Jetfire informs us that once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away… The original seven Primes had arrived on Earth to build a device called a Star Harvester which can create Energon by destroying suns. Wait, seven!?! Did they just pick a number at random!?

S: Probably. I don't think whoever it was making this movie cared about the lore that was in other parts of the series.

O: At least seven is also a prime number…

S: Yeah... I mean, heck, I don't remember if they had a different number in [the] Cybertron [tv series]? Because Cybertron I think, did have a list of Primes.

O: I think the number’s are usually 13.

S: Yeah, but it's just- I don't remember when that number came up-

O: Mm- that’s fair.

S: If it was before or after this.

[Okay, this is mildly confusing, (as Transformers lore often is) but the rough concept for The Thirteen has been around since 1999, but was really only solidified in 2004-2005 into specifically, Thirteen Primes. All that being said, even if that wasn’t established in the first movie, it certainly would have been by the time they were creating the sequel. Also, several adaptations of this movie do have thirteen Primes, not seven, and designs had been created for 12 (non-Fallen) Prime heads, so who knows what the heck happened with this behind the scenes. ~O]

S: Yeah, and while they had a rule about not destroying suns that supported life, the Fallen decided that the humans sucked, and tried to turn it on anyway because-

O: He's a dick! [laughs]

S: He was basically the equivalent of a pissy house proud lady who, with a- whose house had a mouse infestation and he wanted to demolish it anyway but… The humans are the mice in this metaphor.

O: [laughs] Uh, the Primes tried to fight him but were unable to actually defeat him.

S: Considering that only a Prime is supposed to be able to defeat the Fallen this is somehow extremely disappointing. So they took the Matrix of Leadership and sealed it in a tomb made of their own bodies.

O: The Matrix of Leadership is a reoccurring McGuffin in the Transformers lore, but for some inexplicable reason in this continuity it is basically just a ‘key’ for the Star Harvester.

S: Well, I think it also has some other purposes, considering what they end up using it for later… but yeah, it's primarily just the horse- blah, the Star Harvester key. Jetfire conveys that Sam needs to find the Matrix of Leadership or they're all fucked. I mean, what happened? Did turning on Jetfire completely destroy the AllSpark fragment or is it just... dead now? Could they use that to re-awaken Optimus body?

O: I mean yeah, you would think right!? Because like, they- they did- they- that's how they brought Megatron back but nobody thought of this!

S: I mean didn't they already have a thing that they could have used to just, wake Optimus up?

O: Maybe? I don't know. I don't know. Moving right along! Um-

S: I want answers! Sorry...

O: We're not gonna get ‘em. And then presumably, they leave Jetfire in the desert because he needs a good long nap after generating a whole ass space bridge.

S: Well, he basically tells them to get lost before any Auto- before any Decepticons show up.

O: Yeah, because assumably he's gonna take a nap.

S: Yeah, I mean- I think another Decepticon does show up at some point in the novelization, but who knows. I think grandpa beats his pants- or beats his ass. Sam reaches the conclusion that if the Matrix of Leadership can activate the Sun Harvester then maybe it could reactivate Optimus, like some sort of robot activating skeleton key.

O: Seems like a bit of a reach, but alright.

S: No one knows what's going on here, so I guess, sure! Let's run with it.

S: They stop by a nearby village allowing Simmons to contact N.E.S.T. and somewhat covertly tell them that they need to bring Optimus’ corpse over to Egypt.

O: [laughs]

S: [sighs] Oh, this is going to be so many… ugh, so many problems.

O: Soundwave is still able to figure out what the fuck they're saying though, and deploys the Decepticons to the same location that Simmons had given N.E.S.T. You know, do you think his back hurts? You know, from carrying his entire faction?

S: Probably, but I mean, he's in space so there's not much weight up there right now.

O: [laughs] Probably lessens the feeling a little bit.

S: Using some gibberish about the ‘three kings’ and also, astrological knowledge, Sam is able to figure out where the Primes’ tomb is and uh, the group heads towards the mountains of Petra.

O: Lennox's group has also brought the government weasel with them along on their ‘Definitely Not Transporting a Giant Robot Corpse’ mission, and then they fool him into jumping out of the plane. So they can carry on without interruption.

S: Slightly less jumping out of the plane and slightly more uh, fooling him into opening the damn parachute that uh, they got the man to wear and then he gets swept out because--

O: It was a parachute. [laughs]

S: Moving plane, open door, there goes the- there goes the parachute. Oops! So much wind.

O: And it really might be one of the funniest scenes in the entire movie. It also reads entirely too close to something our DND group would pull.

S: Oh yeah, yeah.

B: [laugh]

O: Ask our DM!

S: Oh, any one of our DMs.

O: Any one of our DMs, but I'm particularly talking about when my poor husband had to DM.

S: Yeah, I'm thinking about the ‘whale’ incident.

[My husband regretted that our party had the ability to summon large creatures and portals on that day. ~O]

So Sam and company arrive at Petra.

O: For the non-documentary nerds among us, uh, Petra is an ancient city in Southern Jordan. While it does contain more structures than the treasury (which is what I think they show here) uh, this is probably one of the most famous. You may recognize it as the resting place of the Holy Grail in the Indiana Jones movies. And as we were watching, I had a minor panic attack at the giant robots possibly breaking things.

S: Oh, and the giant robots definitely break things. The Twins fight, and hit a wall or a fresco. Revealing a hollow area behind it with uh, very noticeable giant robot bits.

O: [laughs] Then Bee takes aim at the wall and I have another panic attack. Though to be fair, he's got very good aim and only makes what is arguably a very small hole.

S: Through the giant robot bits. Sam enters the new hole in the wall and finds the Matrix of Leadership on the floor. I guess, cradled in the hands of the Prime corpses? Which- this is super morbid!

O: [laughs]

S: When he picks it up, uh, it crumbles into dust. So, Sam does the only thing he can think of, he sweeps all that dust into his sock.

O: Time to go resurrect Optimus with dirty sock dust!

S: Is it the sock of destiny?

O: It is now.

S: I guess it awakens giant robots, but leaves buildings standing.

O: [snorts]

S: All the while uh, he talks about there having to be some sort of reason for everything that's happening.

O: Uh, to quote a much better character, “It's possible to commit no mistakes and still lose,” so Sam you're full of shit.

S: Yep, back with N.E.S.T. uh, they yeet Optimus’ corpse out of the plane and I believe Optimus has parachutes again here?

O: Probably.

S: I mean, if he doesn't that is just so much corpse desecration.

O: [laughs] And it seems like we arrive back where we started in the first movie, as it looks like they're back in that little desert town where the fight with Scorponok took place. You know, they just- they're just gotta destroy it again.

S: And if that's not that same town it looks extremely similar.

O: Starscream begins firing on Sam and co as they head to the rendezvous location with N.E.S.T.

S: [sighs] The group splits up in order to draw the fire away from Sam.

O: Leo, Simmons, and the twins head off. Bee heads off in another direction, and then Sam and Mikaela head towards Optimus’ location on foot.

S: This seems like a bad allocation of resources but, ohh-kay.

O: [chuckles]

S: N.E.S.T. also spots Starscream, but he has released an EMP burst, cutting off all their communication.

O: Government weasel however, has landed safe and sound and is able to reach (and annoy!) the N.E.S.T. headquarters.

S: Yep and N.E.S.T. uh, headquarters is frustrated that weasel can contact them but they can't contact Lennox's group.

O: Simmons group stops uh, once they realize Starscream has stopped following them.

S: Megatron and Starscream (none too gently) land on the Great Pyramid.

O: God damn, more defacing world heritage sites?

S: Well, the Egyptian authorities would definitely have um, a case against them for this. Because you know, they they charge people with doing dumb ill-advised things on the pyramids

O: I dunno how you're gonna get money out of Megatron but, alright! [laughs]

S: Eh, I'd go with the blood from the stone thing, and literally selling off materials from his body, but who knows? That's also very morbid. Um, Megatron orders an attack and Devastator forms out of more than the requisite number of constructicons from G1.

O: And Devastator makes our last Welker voiced Con for the day, bringing our number up to five-

S: And it’s-

O: -out of 12.

S: And spoiler alert uh, Devastator looks nothing like G1 Devastator, and also this is in like- the same location that Simmons and Leo are at.

O: Yep. Sam and Mikaela though are continuing their march towards N.E.S.T. All the while trying to avoid Decepticons, and thus hide in one of the nearby houses.

S: Ah, I like the lighting in the scene, the lighting is very nice. So one wall is mostly structured from uh, glass bottles. You know, provides some very nice ambient lighting without the need of electricity. It just- it's very pleasant. It's a very pretty look

O: Then we get a really nifty scene of the Decepticons looking for them that's basically, one big long continuous shot of it going out of a hole Sam is looking out, going around the scene and then going back through I think, the keyhole? For the door to the house they're in.

S: Yeah, that sort of continuous shot's very nice. You don't see those very often. Sam catches a tiny Decepticon bug that comes through the hole, leading to them being found, and the house's roof being ripped off by Starscream.

O: They attempt to escape.

S: The Twins uh, begin to fight Devastator, while the combiner tries to eat everybody with his horrifying trash-compactor-crusher mouth.

O: Mudflap is eaten, but doesn't go down easy and punches his way out of Devastator's mouth.

S: The Decepticons reveal that they are holding Sam's parents hostage.

O: But they're all saved by the timely arrival of Bee.

S: Ravage is killed when Bee rips his entire body off his spine??

O: How does Ravage keep ending up in two pieces in these things?

S: I think technically he might be in more than two pieces, but ughhh...

O: Meh, I'm just saying- there was the spine in one hand, and the rest of them in the other hand, at least from my memory.

S: I know, it's just- god, unfortunately this feels a whole lot like shucking an ear of corn.

O: [laugh] Oh, god- yeah... yeah... yeah.

S: [sighs] I'm sorry for that image.

O: Sam uh, tells Bee to take his parents out of danger once they- he- they've gotten them away from the Cons.

S: Uh, Sam's dad argues with him in what we're assuming is supposed to be a counter to his no caring attitude about Sam going off to college in the movie. One of the only positive things is his dad's care- for his dad's character is that he does seem to want to take care of- take care of his son.

O: Pity doesn't show more.

S: Yeah.

O: Okay, tangent, but you may have noticed we're being less descriptive about things that are happening at this point in the story. That's because we basically hit a point where the remainder is a gigantic action scene and not really much else.

S: Yeah, it's a whole lot of punch, punch, switch scene, punch, punch, switch scene.

O: Yeah, so-

S: Shoot, shoot, shoot.

O: We're trying, but if something doesn't really make sense it's because stuff is swapping and not a lot is happening. Oddly enough this movie is actually a good example of why you should keep things simple, from a storytelling perspective. And yeah, I know if you examine the basis of this movie's plot it is pretty simple, but instead of just, you know, actually going from point a to point b there's just a ton of waypoints kind of getting in the way of the action that’s actually happening. Uh, like, “Oh well, we'd better go over to this set for yet another action sequence!” Nothing that's happened in the last 30 or so minutes has really mattered to the overall plot because it's just action sequence, action sequence, action sequence.

S: Yup, dirt, explosions, running, falling down.

O: Rinse and repeat.

S: There is nothing of substance here. Speaking of pointless, it's back to Simmons for absolutely no reason.

O: Uh, Megatron's been on top of the Great Pyramid doing nothing this entire freaking time and now he chooses to shoot down a helicopter.

S: I don't think he's even been monologuing.

O: Yeah, he hasn't! He has- that's what I mean, nothing! He's not even doing anything interesting!

S: Simmons takes the radio from the pilot of said downed helicopter and follows after Devastator as he heads toward the Great Pyramid.

O: American Army porn.

S: And Air Force. And Navy, [sighs] probably?

O: [groans]

S: Sam and Mikaela are spotted by Ironhide and the three Arcees.

O: Two Arcees are downed by some Cons after their one speaking line in the entire freaking movie.

S: Devastator begins climbing the Great Pyramid.

O: Is Megatron waiting up there for Devastator?! Is- is it just too much work to wreck the pyramid by himself?

S: He's got all of these lackeys, he wants the lackeys to do shit for him.

O: Oh, lord.

S: Simmons follows and contacts the Navy.

O: Okay- okay, the only thing I can think of here is that they needed Simmons to do something. Otherwise, why the heck do they call in military reinforcements then call in yet more military reinforcements!?

S: More American Army porn.

O: [sighs] Devastator demolishes the top of the pyramid. Yes, yes, destroying more history, yes, yes.

S: Yet more American Army porn!

O: And then Megatron chases Sam and Mikaela as they approach N.E.S.T.

S: After many, many, MANY, explosions, Sam and Mikaela reach Lennox.

O: Who's like, “You'd better have a good reason for us to be here!”

S: “I got a sock full of dust!”

O: [laughs] Yes, you do Sam. Yes, you do.

S: [sighs] Jetfire shows up, taking out a Con with his cane.

O: Then Scorponok, you know, from the first movie, immediately shows up just to stab Jetfire and ruin all of our days.

S: You know, his triumphant return after disappearance in the last half of the previous movie.

O: And now for the moment you- we-

S: [sighs]

O: We've all been waiting for!

S: Ugh… [unintelligable]

O: Do you want me to do it?

S: Yes, please.

O: Simmons says, “I'm directly below the enemy scrotum.” Why would you say that? Why would you say it like this? Why wouldn't you just say, “I am directly below the enemy”!? Why did you feel the need to add the word ‘scrotum’ to that sentence!?! [laughs]

S: The enemy's anatomy should not be that important, but I guess Bay thinks balls are important- er, hilarious.

O: Important and hilarious.

S: God.

[I am furious that we didn’t know about this clip until AFTER we did this episode, but yeah, this exists. Bay was SO proud of this joke. ~O]

O: Uh, Devastator comes to pieces after being hit by an experimental Navy railgun from the ship that Simmons has been contacting.

S: Yeah, back with Lennox and company, Epps proves yet again to have one of the best lines in the entire movie.

O: They throw some smoke grenades to provide a target for the Air Force.

S: Unfortunately, this smoke's just a teensy bit too close to the party.

O: Epps responds with, “It wasn't my best toss, okay!?”

S: [sighs] In the ensuing chaos of the airstrike, Sam runs ahead to try and get to Optimus and Megatron appears out of the smoke to shoot him. Or to dramatically close in on him, I guess.

O: Megatron gets pushed back by some of the N.E.S.T. covering fire and nyrooms away very awkwardly.

S: Except, what's this!? Sam's dead.

O: [loudly] WOOOOOOOOOOO!

S: Mikaela's not so happy about this though.

O: Uh, sad music plays. Dialogue can be heard faintly as Lennox and the N.E.S.T. crew begins CPR. His parents show back up... again. For what purpose exactly? I think this would have read just fine with Mikaela just being the only one sad about Sam.

S: I don't know. If this is their attempt at pathos, but it kind of sucks. I mean, I know that the audience is supposed to feel bad that this guy's dead but-

O: I don't! [laughs]

S: They did a terrible job of making me care, but now is the moment where Mikaela tells Sam that she loves him.

O: They had a whole thing about this earlier in the movie we really didn't go over but they were having kind of an argument on who should say, “I love you,” first. Blah- blah- blah- blah-

S: Ah.

O: But now, a window into Sam's psyche.

S: What, you mean it's not just going to be boobs, boobs, and more boobs?

O: No- no the seven Primes appear in a vision to Sam.

S: Oh god, does this make Sam a Prime? I really hope not…

O: Oh my god! One of the Primes is voiced by Bulkhead! And by Bulkhead, I of course mean his voice actor Kevin Michael Richardson. A man with a huge filmography that I guarantee you've heard at least a dozen or so things that he has done, if not more!

S: The Primes tell Sam that he is worthy of being a Prime.

O: Bulk, why do you have to hurt me in this way, and by extension, EVERYONE?

S: The magical sweaty sock dust reconstitutes into the Matrix of Leadership. And, I mean, I'm kind of concerned that some of the remaining sweaty sock dust is now blowing away, or maybe this sock will be some sort of horrifying museum relic.

O: Considering what he did with his shirt, I wouldn't be surprised. Um, but I don't really care, because this just means the movie is getting closer to its inevitable conclusion.

S: Fair. Sam then takes the Matrix and stabs it into Optimus chest.

O: Stabby stab? We bring him to life by giving him another stab wound? Magical stabby stab?

S: I think this is how you get robot zombies.

O: Good thing nobody had any Dark Energon on hand.

S: Or the Hate Plague. Of course, the Matrix is immediately snatched up by the Fallen.

O: Because we want to have our cake and eat it too. We need to bring Optimus back to life and also to get the giant sun stun gun going too.

S: So, the Fallen activates the Star Harvester.

O: High levels of shut up and die reached as the Fallen finally reveals some amount of fighting prowess with a bitchin’ anti-gravity staff.

S: Yep. Jetfire, who has been sort of hanging out this entire time having a giant hole in his chest, sacrifices himself to upgrade Optimus so that he can go fight the Fallen.

O: Jetfire, buddy, sir, you deserved better.

S: He did.

O: Here's one of the few scenes where Jolt is visible as he helps Ratchet get Optimus battle worthy.

S: Yeah, um, the electric whips were somehow needed for this for some reason, somehow.

O: Optimus, having gained the power of flight, begins to fight Megatron and the Fallen.

S: But not before destroying the Sun Harvester.

O: Megatron's face is badly damaged as Optimus moves on to the Fallen and rips off the Fallen's face saying, and I quote, “Give me your face!”

S: Then Optimus rams his hand through the Fallen's chest and uh, rips out and crushes the Fallen’s spark.

O: Starscream, being the sane one here, suggests that he and Megatron flee.

S: Megatron, considering that he is dealing with both a head injury and a missing arm from the elbow down, takes Starscream up on his offer. The Fallen having been defeated, Optimus returns to the ground and shrugs off all of Jetfire's parts

O: [You] couldn't have kept anything? The gun? No, nothing. Was it a frame thing- did you miss the slimmer frame, Optimus? Just be honest here, you know.

S: I mean, maybe he considered it kind of morbid having like, corpse parts on him? I mean that would be-

O: Fuck if I know.

S: That would be kind of morbid, but yeah... it feels like it's just showing disrespect to Jetfire's sacrifice. [sighs] Then we move back to Sam and Mikaela, interspersed with shots of N.E.S.T., the Navy, Simmons, etc.

O: Ah, yes, soldiers, brothers in arms, kissing! Soldiers, brothers in arms, KISSING!

S: [laughs] Sorry, sorry I was just- like, my brain put those together at first and not what it actually was.

O: [laughs] I mean, to be fair, that would probably be a more interesting movie!

S: Yes. Optimus thanks Sam for saving his life. And I have many questions Optimus. Did you have- what did you see Optimus? What did you see? And we end with an Optimus monologue about the two races working together in the future.

O: Ohh, Optimus, you’re- you're just going to be discarded in two movies, sweetie. Um, don't trust the US Military, we do not have a good track record.

S: Yup. Linkin Park, much like the first film what plays us out as the credits roll.

O: And thus, we are divided from the rest of the movie. A New Divide if you will.

S: Oh, is that a name drop?

O: It's the name of the song. [laughs]

S: Or title drop, yeah.

O: [laughs]

S: Alright, so what's your take?

O: Wow, I really don't like that movie. The last 30 minutes- hour- whatever, felt like an eternity where the only thing happening was explosions, and robots maybe punching each other and I just didn't care about anything that was happening? The early part wasn't really much better, but at least the characters, you know, were talking to each other.

Um, the writing overall isn't good for like, dialogue and again, some of the events just kind of feel like why did this even need to happen? And I do think it's worth mentioning that this was filmed during the 2007 writers’ strike.

Additionally, regardless of how bad I personally find the dialogue, I still have to give props to Peter Cullen's performance of Optimus. Even the first time I saw this movie, I was sad that Optimus died. And keep in mind at the time I didn't know anything about Transformers, aside from seeing the first movie. I feel like Cullen puts a lot of heart to his performance of Optimus, and I really can't think of a time where it's felt like he's phoned it in and I really do appreciate that. Even here, even with the, “Give me your face,” line.

What did you think, Specs?

S: Well, I don't have nearly as much to say as you did.

O: [laughs]

S: Um, I liked Jetfire. The SR-71 Blackbird is a very neat plane, and I mean, I liked it before this movie came out. So, I liked him for more than one reason. But he was cranky, and delightful, and a jet, and the best part of the movie. Everything else was just kind of painful. Yeah.

O: Yeah, I think that's fair.

S: Yeah. I mean, I liked Mikaela too, but...

O: Yeah, she- say goodbye to her because she's not gonna be in the next movie. This is the last one with Mikaela in it.

S: I think she got the better part of the deal.

O: [laughs] Pity we can't make as graceful as an exit.

S: Yep.

O: But that's it for us now. Uh, we will be posting another episode. Uh, where we go into more detail on what we personally would have wanted to see in this movie. But we know this is running along as it is, and I think based on our estimates this should be around the same length as last year's episode so we're gonna split it. We are also aware that you personally may not care about us trying to you know basically fanfic- fix this so…

S: Mm-hm. Remember to check us out on Tumblr or Pillowfort as Afterspark-Podcast for any additional information, show notes, or links we may have mentioned. You can also find us on Facebook and Twitter @AftersparkPod (all one word). And various other locations by searching for Afterspark Podcast, such as AO3, iTunes, Spotify, and Youtube, just to name a few. And feel free to send us questions on Tumblr, Youtube, or AO3.

O: As always, thank you so much for listening. Happy (probably belated by the time this is posted) holidays to everyone. 2020 has been a hell of a rough year, so please stay safe and we will be back with more normal episodes soon.

S: Toodles.

[Outro Music]

S: Sam grabs out a knife and begins carving the Cybertronian siblings into the ground um, I mean, where did you get the knife?

O: You mean symbols? You said siblings.

S: [laughs] God- oh god, I can’t talk!

#transcript #revenge of the fallen #afterspark #afterspark podcast #podcast

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grumpy-zane · 4 years

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((Had a ninjago fan season idea that takes place after s13 and semi centers around Kai ninjago. This seasons theme: Vacation gone wrong! I have segmented it into episodes for convenience. I uh, may or may not dedicate some time to drawing content for this thing, so I apologize in advance. ((also it is. a long post.

Episode 1 - Answering machine going off and its’ Ronins voice over the machine: 'Looks like I’m gonna run late.. ugh this whole thing is falling apart isn't it. But we'll make it work. I got you a ferry to take you there, one of the cruise ships. It was the least I could do for now... I'll meet you there, I promise.' >Cuts to Dareth on the boat, taking him and the rest of the people to ‘Aves Isle’. >While everyone is getting off, Dareth helps a naga lady with carrying some of her stuff because Dareth ninjago. >Naga ladys' name is 'Olive', she is a semi native. She starts talking about the islands' history. 'there used to be a temple but we don't know what happened to it, but it sunk into the ground. >two investigate the area because Dareth has time to wait on Ronin. >Upon finding whats’ left of the area and entering, the atmosphere changes and inflicts a weird curse or whatever. >Dareth starts getting progressively more pushy Episode 2 - After s13 Wu wants to do more adventures so the bounty is just flying wherever the wind takes it I guess w/e {{Also realized I didn’t write much for Wu this entire rest of the story so I am assuming he’s having a grand ol’ time being on vacation}} >wow it is night time, the bounty is flying in >The crew ask where they are and Zane starts to go on his normal informative spiel before getting cut off. >Oh there’s a thing on the radar. What the heck is that thing flying towards us OH GOD THAT’S A BIG ANGRY DRAGON >Bounty has two smaller 'runner' boats? I guess? marketing. Two of the ninja hop on those and fly off. >Zane and Jay distract the dragon so the bounty can safely land but it turns out there are two dragons and Jay gets taken down first. Yay soft landing. >Bounty makes it safely over the fences that are on the island >Zane gets taken out. >Cuts back to Dareth and Olive still rooting around. activates something and wow a lava fountain. the ground is glowing in weird markings! >Dareth snaps at Olive and she wells up and runs away and Dareth snaps out of it temporarily like 'oh crud why did I do that I didn't mean to be so bossy' and goes after her >Olive gets overtaken and now: pointy. >Dareth tries to stop her but she jumps into the portal lava whatever? hole?? not sure. >He, of course, jumps in after. >Fire Dareth. >Random golden-looking platform chained to the bottom of the hole they are in. ominous voice: hey how about you get these locks free and we'll rebuild the temple? nice. >Temple platform rises >Zane gets tossed into an area? park? fenced in something or another?? >oh hi Jay >oh community service sorting trash from recyclables? can do.

Episode 3 - The remaining ninja visit the two who are in 'time out' before deciding to have a look around the island. >They take a nice walk down the beach Cole reminisces about the time Kai was extremely afraid of water >Kai frowns as a laugh track is played. Claims he has gotten better at it but screams when Nya splashes him. >Zane and Jay are done with service and its like 'okay how about we try to get out again?’ >Zane suggests doing it in the broad daylight since the dragons went out at night and may be nocturnal >they try >they get taken out again >another round of community service >sees another aircraft fall out of the sky >guard: wow more property damage. >sundown. lloyd notices that something strange is happening with some of the residents randomly getting more nippy and then not. strange. (Ninja get into an arguments with the locals or whatever) >Stop by community service area >Jay is now frustrated >rest recuperate at where they parked the bounty >Nya: well nothing is really going on here we can probably leave once the two are done breaking the law >Ronin shows up to the area and is greeted sourly by Jay ninjago

Episode 4 - The ninja are ready to leave when they notice a weird ominous structure that wasn't there before. >Crew investigate >oh its hot. you can go in, Kai ninjago >kai enters >oh frick fire dareth >kai ninjago, walking out and is krispy: there is a problem. >three get out of service >ronin asks if the little runner ships are 'truly' important >hekcin steals their engine or whatever >regroup at the bouty >Kai: hey uhh, Dareth is peeved haha, I don't get it though he and I hang out every now and then. >Ronin, internally: oh god he's really mad I didn't follow plans to a T- >the ninja exchange awkward glances of guilt >decide it'd be best to talk to him tomorrow, or try to. Also, more people are randomly getting upsetti, Jay is still frustrated.

Episode 5 - jay still has a bad attitude. lloyd is also starting to get upset. Cole tries to diffuse the situation but it causes the two to point their noses up at each other in silent anger. great. >Kai enters in the temple again, which is even more built than it was before. >Dareth being snarky >kai apologizes and tells him he wasn't aware of it, and that he thought the two were good friends, reminding him of the times they hung out outside of mission things. >Dareth calms down a bit >finds a reason to be mad again. >Ronin shows up >'ronin?' >''Told you I'd meet you here, what didn't you believe me? not really much of a vacation. How about we get some fresh air?" >Dareth approaches >oh no he's really hot. >cheek caress with the robotic arm. gae. >two head out. Room is no longer unbearably hot. good! >squad enters in. goes into one of the inner chambers >oh look the towns people overtaken by rage are building. nice. >oh no jay and lloyd are fighting again. >grabs attention of workers. >the ninja get their butts handed to themselves, and lose Jay and lloyd in the process. nice >cuts to Ronin and Dareth walking on the beach. >Ronin smooth talking, normal Ronin behvior >Flames and whatever fade from Dareth and he snaps out of it completely and immediately starts pouring out how he feels bad about being rude to Olive and whatever the bad guy is and what the plans of the temple are. >Ronin: maybe we should tell the ninja. I don't want us to get involved anymore.

Episode 6 - Ronin informs the ninja of what's up. >Nya: oh no we gotta stop this ! >Dareth: I want to help. >Ronin: no we are on vacation we shouldn't have to; leave it up to them. >Dareth: no I started this, this is my fault, I have to make it up to Olive and everyone <:( >Ronin: :/ >Zane: we should focus on. not making the locals angry because that seems to draw them towards the temple. >Ninja proceed to do good deeds, while part of them break off to do research >learn about the bad guy dunn dun dunn!

episode 7 - Kai ninjago somehow is the one keeping the most level head out of everyone here and things get tense again. is it potentially out of character? Well he's mad that lloyd and jay are overtaken but he's doing a good job at self control. >cuts to lloyd and Jay >lloyd: this is dumb! why are we helping!? We're supposed to be stopping this! >Jay: we're helping because YOU dragged us into this with your plan! >argue. great >bad guy laughing or whatever, oh the voice has a physical form that's manifesting from the heat of the temple. 'Good, soon I will be reborn and reclaim the island!' >Olive inform him that Dareth has broken the spell >bad guy furious and confused but is also like 'whatever we have a lot more important things to worry about' >Nya and Zane are stepping on each others' toes. >ronin and Dareth relay what they learned. >kai sitting in the bounty looking disheveled >'Human pinata makes the kids happy'. Horrifying. >story about how the bad guy was dispersed after 'other beings' landed on the island and taught he locals the importance of peace and not war or whatever. It was probably some Oni and dragons chillin. >Cole: oh! I mean we have two 'other beings' and those are the dragons, but they seem really angry and territorial >Kai: maybe they want something and just haven't gotten it? ((Id have to mention one of the festivals known as the 'laughing dragon' festival or whatever but it's fallen into obscurity due to the dragons not being happy. Mention that sometime during episode 3)) >investigation time part 3. >learn that there's a fruit that the dragons like, but the recipee was lost on how to make the disk for them >well gang, time to get cooking! thank goodness Zane is on our- >just kidding Zane and Nya are gone now because they got too angry at each other and went to 'get space' but they're probably at the temple now.

Episode 8 - Gotta do the cookin by the book! >the ingredients are gathered. >Dareth insists that they used a very speicific brand of exctact. >Cole has no idea how to cook well >Kai starts putting things together. >Cole: when did you learn to cook? >Kai: Well I had to take care of my sister buutt.. I dunno I think being the master of fire, cooking comes easy. ;) >Cole: if there's any way I can help just let me know. >kai: oh, yeah, bust open those things. >Cole literally smashes open the fruit sending bits everywhere >good ol happy comedic moment. >first try >Cole: . looks. uh. strange. >Ronin: I am afraid to taste it. >Dareth: oh I'm sure it can’t be- -face scrunch- >Kai: <:) >Dareth: well... I swallowed it.. at least.. >cuts to temple again >bad guy is like 'we need more people how come everyone stopped coming?? someone needs to go out and start beating people up >:(' >Olive reports that the ninja were gathering ingredients for something or another >Bad guy is like 'okay send some people there and stop them'

episode 9 - after the 5th attempt it's much more palatable so they make a larger batch and stick it in a boat all fancied up and now have to deliver it >oh god angry people >why are they looking at us hhh >fite >Kai: we legit cannot let any of this spill otherwise I'm going to scream. >only way to get it away from the people is to go by ocean >Ronin: we'll do what we can but you gotta do this kai. You're tough. >kai: ahaha I still don't like water but! >boat on water >gets to the part outside of the gate >oddly silent. >kai proceeds to put it on the beach and starts calling out for the dragons and starts making noise or whatever. "im gonna kick your sand! haha! what are you going to do about it??' >Dragons emerge, ready to fight >sees the offering. Kai: it's okay it's okay, this is for you. >backs away from the boat >lets the dragons have it. >the smaller one is curious about him and approaches him after >good ol’ kai dragon interaction. yay confidence!

Episode 10 - wow I sure do hate this sorting plant by now, thinks Ronin ninjago. >tossed in the sorting plant Cole: this isn't too bad. Dareth: yeah I thought we were going to be burned by the stake, haha! Ronin: oh you'll hate it soon enough. >Dareth and cole exchange glances. Cole: oh I know, how about we do a song, get a beat going? I'm sure kai has things under control! Dareth: good idea! Keep the spirits high, huh? >Olive informs that the offering made it out into the ocean >bad guy says 'no fear the ocean probably will swallow it', both unaware that kai was on the boat. >temple is nearing completion. >the angry ninja attempt yet again, to try to make a plan to stop him. >everyone has a different idea >they don't work together and go do their own plans. >lloyd tries to go after him directly >jay attempts to use his powers to get the workers to stop and go after him >nya yells at jay >Zane attempts to take out Olive, with mild success, kicks her out of the temple. >olive decides to visit in on the captives >glares at Dareth >Dareth proceeds to apologize profusely >Olive is stunned and snaps out of it, sorta. moment of clarity >apologizes for stopping their plan about the dragons. gives more detail about the situation inside the temple before getting ready to head back. >ronin. heckin. kidnaps her w/e He wants answers, and also doesn't want her relaying the information she gathered back to the bad guy. Dareth: oh my GOD did you KILL her?? Ronin: :B no messengers.

Episode 11 - The dragons fly overhead and do their little dance and show and yaay, the people are happy! >people working on the temple stop and notice in awe and decide to go outside to have a look. >bad guy takes notice and a n g r y, number of the workers stop and go enjoy the show. Some even going to their work areas and getting snacks and things like a festival. Bad guy: where is my messenger?! How did this happen?! steppin out. that's it, I'll deal with this personally. >bad guy stands on his temple top whatever. Starts blasting fire balls. >kai ninjago shooting fireballs back to deflect Locals: wow firework show! >even more stop their progress. >lloyd notices >the rest of the ninja notice. lloyd: woah kai ninjago..! Nya: I don't know how long he can last doing that.. Zane: the power comes from the temple.. Jay: so we have to sink the temple! >sink time >as the temple starts to submerge again the fire balls become weaker >bad guy adverts his attention to the ninja and decide to try to take them out >Kai ninjago shows up and they have a fire bending battle not ripped from avatar at all Jay: kai you gotta get outta there the temple is collapsing! Kai: I will give me a minute! >This is sparta kicks the dude into the portal thingy lava(?) and gets the heck outta there before everything falls in again. >yaay, we won! >mini celebration that's more like we gotta recover

Episode 12 - partially filler episode? w/e >actual festival held >good ol relaxing for real this time. >Dareth: that was fun! >Ronin: so much for a vacation, seems like trouble is always following you around. >Dareth: thank god I have you to protect me from it all, huh? >Ronin: wow gay >Dareth: also why did you run late? >Ronin: weeeeeell... that's a long story. B) I'll tell you on the flight back. >Olive: how did you find the recipe for the thing? >kai: I didn't I just... I mean, Well, when you have flare like me you tend to know how to make a good dish B) >Cole: he guessed and messed up 5 times. >Olive: oh- >kai: >:( c o l e >the ninja can actually leave now >FFIV victory fanfare

#ninjago #Mun rambles #will post the art separately for the sake of sanity #Aves Isle

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whispersafterdusk · 3 years

Text

Lost in Time - ch 10

On the morning of Winter Solstice Selene found Eli outside exercising; in fact, over the last three weeks that's how Eli had started her mornings. She knew the woman wanted to get back to her pre-tube physique but she hadn't been pushing herself this hard before -- discovering her dead husband had triggered the change in her and Selene didn't know what to do about it.

'Hopefully Dr. Xu is making headway...' she found herself thinking as she headed over to the corner of the yard that Eli had taken to exercising in. It was a fairly flat area, mostly shielded from the sun in the afternoon and evening, and would have thick grass coverage once the seasons changed; it also was outside of the stable area so there wouldn't be animal droppings to worry about either. Maybe she could pave a small area to give Eli something solid to exercise on too? And when spring arrived with its downpours a paved spot would keep her out of the mud as well...Selene mentally stuck it on her To Do list. ((Continued below cut))

Eli was currently doing push ups, and doing them really damn well -- far better than Selene could ever hope to do. She didn't look up as the builder approached, and Selene waited silently and counted out 52 push ups (and who knew how many she'd already done before Selene had even come outside) before Eli finally came to a stop and shifted her legs around to sit cross-legged in the cleared area of frozen grass.

"Did you still want to go to the Solstice gathering?" Selene asked. For a long moment Eli was silent, then she simply nodded; Selene returned the nod and smiled at her. "Yay, all right -- did you want to be the bringer of cheese or the meats?" She took a step back as Eli got up; once the woman was up and out of the shadow of the edge of the nearby stables Selene could see sweat droplets sparkling in the woman's eyelashes and a thin sheen of it over her face -- she'd need to get inside and get dried off before she froze.

"Cheese, I guess."

It wasn't enthusiastic but she'd take it. "Ok then - I'll go get the foodstuffs while you get cleaned up. We've got a couple hours before everything starts but usually people gather early to watch Django get the hot pot started. It'd be a really good time for you to meet and mingle, talk to people."

"I don't know that I feel up to mingling."

"Oh. Well, uh..."

Eli gave her a strained smile. "Sorry. Don't mean to make things awkward, I just..."

Selene didn't press her to continue; instead she nodded and led the way back into the house where Eli disappeared upstairs to her room and Selene turned into the kitchen. She'd bought some nice cuts of beef and chicken and a very soft and delicious white cheese from Sophie and Emily a day ago. After her first Solstice in Portia Selene had decided to vary what she brought each year; the first time she'd brought diced up layered carrots and last year she'd brought cornballs from her own garden which had turned a small spot of the pot into a spicy chowder. This year would be the first time she'd brought any meats. Hopefully they were sliced thin enough that they'd cook up quickly once they were in the pot...maybe she should have checked with Django first. Oh well.

Eli should at least be well-received for bringing the cheese; the soft white was a Portia favorite and it tended to sell out quick when Sophie had a new batch ready to go.

A quick glance in the fridge showed that the wax paper wrapped around the meats hadn't leaked, and there weren't any grease marks on the paper bag that the cheese was in - it was nice to see that she wouldn't need to put them into other containers or worry about the bags ripping on the way in to town. Selene grabbed a potato fruit fritter out of the bag next to the cheese (she liked Sophie's pies and fritters, what could she say?) and retreated to a chair, slowly munching on the fritter as she waited for Eli.

She was washing grease off her fingers when she heard Eli coming down the stairs; the Dubei woman was combing her hair off to the side as she walked, and was wearing a sweater Selene hadn't seen before - it was a burnt orange color with goldenrod colored trim along the sleeves and collar.

"That looks nice. When did you get that one?"

Eli glanced down and smoothed down the sweater's hem. "Couple days ago. Carol was nice enough to tailor it a bit so it fit better across my shoulders."

"Going to need a lot of tailoring soon, huh?" That got a faint smile from Eli; Selene grabbed the meats and cheese and led the way out of the house toward Portia's gates. "What were celebrations like, in the Old World? Were there a lot of holidays?"

"Saying there were 'a lot' would be a massive understatement. You could find a festival or holiday going on almost every other week," Eli answered.

"Wow... That sounds hectic, but also fun."

Eli shrugged. "Isn't that true of any holiday?"

"True. Oh, here-" Selene briefly spun around and walked backwards, holding out the bag with the cheese in it. "Best cheese anywhere around."

Eli took the bag and tucked it into the crook of her elbow. "So...how does this festival work?"

"Well, we have a giant hot pot that Django gets started with a broth base. We wait 'til it gets boiling, then everyone starts tossing ingredients in. Everyone is welcome to eat as much as they want and because of how big the pot is you'll find little pockets of dozens of different flavors -- and, when we're done, all the leftovers are divvied out to everyone to take home, or available to eat for free at the Round Table for the next couple of days. After we've all eaten we have a snowball fight -- or, WOULD have a snowball fight. What snow that's out in the fields right now isn't all that packable since it's not fresh so I'm not sure if Gale has something else planned instead. And THEN, after that, we all take pictures together."

"...'all,'" Eli repeated. "Who does that include?"

"Everyone in Portia, if they want to," Selene giggled. "I help build the riser platforms each year. When we're done with the hot pot and everyone heads off to the snowball fight I, Paulie, and a couple others move the pot out and get the risers in place for when it's picture time."

"Are the pictures just...for free? For anyone?"

Selene nodded. "Yep. And a lot of the pictures get printed in the newspaper too so even if you don't manage to grab a copy today you can clip it from the paper later."

They were approaching the central plaza now and Selene could already smell the vegetable broth; Dawa and Paulie were standing near the massive hot pot helping Django feed logs to the fire burning beneath it. Gale, Gust, Ginger, and Russo were already there too, and so was Carol and Martha and standing with them were the triplets, Toby, and Jack as well. Their arrival immediately caught the attention of the children; Selene subtly moved Eli around the plaza's edge in the opposite direction.

They stopped at the benches over near the Research Center and Eli sat down, and sat the bag of cheese on the bench beside her.

"That is definitely a large hot pot."

"Yep. No idea who first forged it but it's been in use for awhile - not sure what they used before. Maybe just a giant cauldron or something."

They sat and waited, and watched as more of Portia's residents began to show up. There were a lot of curious and uneasy looks tossed their way; few people seemed willing to do more than nod or wave, and Selene was pretty certain most of the friendlier gestures were aimed at her and not Eli. Really made her wonder what Lee might have been telling others since Eli definitely hadn't done anything to warrant the weird looks she was getting.

Eventually, as more people showed up and more greetings were exchanged, Martha's attention wandered enough that Toby broke away from the group they were all standing in and as Selene suspected the boy made a beeline toward them.

He stopped just short of the bench, eying Eli for a moment or two; despite having a heavy coat on along with his backpack he had managed to also strap a wooden practice sword to his back and the handle jutted awkwardly over his left shoulder.

"Hi! Are you really three hundred years old?"

Eli blinked at the boy for a moment, then sat up a bit straighter. "I think I'm closer to 370, but yes."

"What did you do in the Old World? Were there adventurers?"

Selene watched as Eli's gaze moved from the boy over to where his mother was standing and chatting with Carol and Alice; after a pause Eli looked back to Toby. "I was a ranger. It was a type of soldier."

"Ha!" was Toby's response. "Django said there was more to you than it looked! Did you fight in the war? Did you shoot robots with guns? Was there really robots everywhere you looked? Did you use only guns or did you still use swords and stuff? Do you know how to use a sword?"

"Toby, one at a time," Selene interrupted dryly. Eli got bombarded enough as it was thanks to those nosy scholars.

A small smile crossed Eli's face. "I didn't fight in the war - I was already injured and inside that tube by the time the Calamity hit. I'm not even sure what event started it. As for AIs - yes, we had a lot of them. They did a lot of the work for us, but not ALL of our work. We didn't use swords but we had some long-handled machetes as part of our camping kits and if we fought in close combat we had bangsticks. They were these metal rods of varying length that, if you swung and hit something with it, would release a little electric shock with a loud bang, hence their names. And, I know how to dance with a sword but not how to fight with one."

Selene had been listening quietly as Eli rattled off the answers to Toby's rapid fire questions but the last answer caught her attention. "Dance?"

Eli nodded. "Dubeian saber dancing. Was a hobby I picked up when I was a teenager and carried it along while serving - I wasn't especially limber or graceful but it was still fun."

Toby pulled a face. "Dancing? That sounds boring."

"Maybe, to someone who hasn't ever seen it. You started out with plastic practice props, worked your way up to wooden ones, then blunt metal, then sharpened metal, and the last 'rank' was sharpened metal with a middle, inner strip that you lit on fire."

THAT got Toby's attention. "You danced with fire?"

"Me? No. I only made it up to the sharpened metal rank - live steel, as it was called. Once I was out of school I only got the chance to study and practice when I was on leave from active duty."

"That sounds pretty neat, actually," Selene mused. "Sounds kind of dangerous too though - a sharp edge AND fire?"

"It WAS dangerous, and that's why it was fairly challenging to work your way up the ranks. You learned the basic moves with the plastic, then added weight and balance with the wooden ones. From there you began picking up the advanced stuff with the heavier but blunt metal props, and you needed a perfect score from a certified instructor to move on to the sharpened ones. When you got to the sharpened rank you had to have so many hours of supervised practice as well as a certain number of dances performed and scored by eight different instructors, all perfect scores and with no injuries or else you had to start over and put in the time and effort again. Being as it became something I did on the side to keep myself busy when I was on leave I never had the time to put together the dances or log the hours needed."

"Are you bothering Eli?"

Selene jumped at Arlo's voice and spun around to find him standing behind her with his arms crossed and his attention squarely on Toby.

Toby jutted his lower lip out at Arlo. "No! I'm learning about the Old World."

"Fine, but your mother is looking for you either way."

"Aw man..." Toby slouched off through the crowd back toward Martha who greeted him with a glare and what Selene imagined was a very short and to the point lecture on running off when she clearly wanted him to stay put. He...did that a lot, and could probably recite any lecture by heart now.

When he was gone Eli leaned back against the bench and stretched her legs out. "He wasn't bothering me. Just asking questions."

"Fair enough. Martha WAS actually looking for him however."

Selene shifted around to perch on the arm of the bench, looking up at him. "Are the scholars going to work today too?"

"Not that I know of. Gregory and Adam are going to stay out at the sinkhole just in case they do, and also to keep guard. Mali and the others planned to come take part in the festivities but I've no idea if the scholars will too." Arlo glanced over a shoulder and skimmed the crowd, then returned his attention to Eli. "I did want to mention that Lee gives a sermon every year before we eat - whatever he might say today know he's more or less said something similar every year. This might be the one time I can honestly say it shouldn't be personal."

Eli nodded but didn't say anything in response. After a few moments Arlo moved to sit on the bench with the bag of cheese between himself and Eli, and not too long afterward both Sam and Remington found them and stood about chatting as they waited for Django to signal that the broth was ready; it already appeared to be boiling and Selene spied what she thought were vegetable bits floating around in it. Shouldn't be too long now.

"-Eli, I had a question about Stewart," Sam suddenly asked, abruptly changing the subject away from the weather.

"What about him?"

They'd all had a chance to talk to Stewart at least once now; the All Source AI was polite and helpful but Selene found his constantly shifting facial projection to be massively distracting.

"What are we going to do with him?"

That was a question Selene had thought about too. Wendy, the other All Source AI they'd found, was currently in the Research Center and wouldn't be able to ever leave it now that her original power supply had been damaged beyond repair -- she'd always be tethered to the power supply they'd rigged up for her. Stewart, on the other hand, had been specifically built to be mobile; his inner battery needed repair due to the ravages of time but he was confident they could fix it even with limited technology, and that would leave him with about three months worth of power if he was forced to go without his docking station. Could they move his docking station out of the facility and figure out how to power it up here? It seemed like a huge waste to leave him down in the facility or for him to walk back and forth between there and town.

"I'm not sure yet," Eli answered after a lengthy pause. "He seems convinced the reactor is still fully functional for now, so we've got a bit of time to figure something out. But he'll have to be moved somehow -- the fuel inside a reactor has an expected lifetime and to be honest I'm surprised it's still working after all this time. It won't last forever though, and there's no way we can make more of what fuels it."

"We were able to make a new power source for Wendy," Selene said. She glanced toward the Research Center -- Wendy had seemed satisfied with the power output of the high voltage dual engine set up they'd put together. "Could we move the docking station and make do like we did with her?"

Eli was silent for another long moment - Selene could only imagine the calculations going on in her head. "--it's...possible, I guess. But it'll need a lot of room, first and foremost - we'd need his docking station for sure, along with his memory cores and server banks, and then space enough for whatever power source we come up with to run it all. He might need his own dedicated room entirely."

Remington's eyebrows shot into his hairline. "He really needs that much power? That much room?"

"Yeah, that seems-" Sam paused, then shook her head. "Wendy didn't need that much of either. What's the difference?"

"They're different models," Eli answered. "They might both be All Source AIs but their duties are drastically different and they have different specs. And I bet if we could find Wendy's original memory cores and servers her power and space requirements would shoot through the roof too."

Selene huffed out a sigh at that. "Man...we've lost so much, haven't we? I hope we haven't damaged Wendy on accident."

"I wouldn't worry about it," Eli replied, looking over to her. "If she says she can manage with her current power level then she knows what she can and can't safely process."

"What would happen if we got her hooked up to more power?"

"Probably nothing. Her memory cores aren't attached and she's not connected to anything else to warrant more power right now."

"She DID say that she couldn't teach us anything because all she did was give orders, but she's given us a few blueprints since she said that," Selene said slowly, tapping a finger against her chin as she thought - what did a memory core or server bank even look like? "If she had her memory cores, would that make a difference in what she could teach?"

"A huge difference. You can't teach something if you don't remember knowing it in the first place. With her it's likely she DID know the inner functions of certain technologies but that information was stored in a separate memory core than what she's carrying onboard now. If we separate Stewart from his servers and cores he'll lose a lot of what he knows too."

"Which seems like a poor idea," Arlo broke in. "Having those medical texts is helpful but having something on hand that actually knows it and could teach it to others is way more valuable."

Sam shrugged. "The clinic DOES have that storage room upstairs, and also the space around it to add on another room or two - it'd make more sense to install Stewart in the clinic than it would here at the Center, since he's a medical AI. I think it was just last year that Dr. Xu was talking to Albert about a possible expansion too."

Remington shook his head at her. "He only did that because Phyllis wants to open her own office. I think the plan was adding on and giving that space to her to start out with but she found a place out in South Block that she's trying to buy instead. He probably wouldn't say no to an expansion to house Stewart but I don't know that any plans or budget from before would be useful now since he wasn't factoring in an All Source AI's needs."

Selene stood up and stretched as she noticed Gale taking his place at the center of the crowd. "Eh, leave it for another day - looks like it's about time to start."

Portia's townsfolk had all clustered around the hot pot and Selene and the others were basically at the back of the group; Gale was a little hard to hear but, as he did every year, he greeted everyone and then invited Lee to start his sermon.

-----------------------------------------

Eli listened quietly as Lee detailed how, after the Calamity, the sky had darkened and sunlight had disappeared. AIs had gone rogue, crops were failing, people were starving - humanity already pushed to the brink was getting even closer to extinction. To hear that finally, in a moment of need, people came together to ensure survival was nice...even if the story as a whole was very bleak.

'To think I outlived all that because of a stupid tube and science I can't understand...'

One of the first things she'd asked Stewart was why she was down there - why she was in that tube - and the AI couldn't tell her.

Not because he didn't know but because he'd been ordered not to tell anyone outside of the project involving the tubes. And what that project was was also something he couldn't share, and no amount of administrative access he could grant her would give her access to those files. He couldn't go against his orders or his programming and had been very apologetic but ultimately she'd gotten nowhere with that subject.

The rest of her questions had been directly answered, at least, and it painted chaotic, terrifying, and destructive final days for the facility and the people of Dubei.

First had come a bombardment from orbital railguns. Eli hadn't even known there WERE railguns up in orbit, and if they had fired freely on Dubei she imagined no one in charge had known they were there either (or if they HAD known, why weren't there defenses in place?). Who could have gotten railguns into orbit without anyone detecting them? Maybe they were inside something else...hidden, so that no one would suspect. And if that were the case then it could have been any nation behind it, and while Eli knew diplomacy had been breaking down she didn't think the Generals would have kept something this potentially devastating a secret...

Then Stewart had detailed how, in the immediate aftermath of that first attack, a small group of unknown assailants had forced their way in and appeared to be there to steal top secret information from various government-funded research projects. Stewart didn't know what files in particular they had come for but they were systematically searching floors and attempting to breach his encryptions and firewalls before they'd been subdued either by security or by circumstance; the orbital bombardment had leveled over half the city and obliterated that part of the facility that had been above ground, and the damage had caused the air filtration and circulation system to go haywire during the infiltration. Several of the underground sections were subsequently flooded with such severely polluted air, smoke, and particulates that it had caused many to suffocate (even some who had tried to get protective equipment on had been killed before it made a difference) before Stewart had been able to get the systems under control again and broadcast an order to begin evacuation once the intruders had been dealt with.

A small silver lining to this was the suffocation had taken out some of the attackers too, though their losses paled in comparison to the number of employees that had died. There was a mad scramble by those left to try and pack and prioritize, and to the credit of the survivors a lot was able to be salvaged and taken with them as the remaining living AIs were able to carry a lot more than a human could. But it was during the rush to leave that they'd been hit with a second bombardment and Stewart lost all contact with the surface world. In the chaos of the second attack Stewart had issued a total evacuation order: if it couldn't be immediately carried out on one's person then it had to be left behind...supplies, personal effects, the fallen, everything. Those few that were left alive to hear the order made it out through old maintenance tunnels.

And that was it. Ever since then Stewart had been the lone guiding force within the facility and had struggled to keep it functional (especially after an earthquake struck about 73 years after the second bombardment and had destroyed even more of the facility), and make certain that the remaining stationary AI assistants like Pauline as well as Eli in her tube survived until help arrived (something Stewart admitted he had lost hope for several times over the centuries).

That was a touchy subject... Eli had been in a tube, and so had all but two of her squadron. It had definitely hurt to know that most everyone she'd worked with AND her husband were all dead in the same room she'd spent over three hundred years "sleeping" in and that it had only been sheer dumb luck that the earthquake's damage hadn't reached far enough into the room to take her out too. Thinking about it, even briefly, was enough to make her eyes sting and well up and she quickly squashed it down and tried to focus on the end of Lee's sermon.

Better times... Yeah, compared to what she'd been told had happened, and what had been been endured, these times were certainly better. Humanity had a future even if it felt like she didn't.

Don't think about it.

At least, don't think about it until the next session with Dr. Xu. Or, bare minimum, she should aim to make it through today without falling apart.

"-all right, time to start adding things."

Eli flinched a bit as Selene - she hadn't even noticed the woman had moved from the other end of the bench - grabbed her by the elbow and tugged her toward the enormous hot pot, giving her only a moment to pick up her sack with the cheese in it; Arlo stayed with them and had produced a small bag of eggs from somewhere - she was about to ask where he'd been hiding it when she noticed Sam pull a cluster of some leafy green herb out of the bag she seemed to carry everywhere. She handed whatever the herbs were to Remington and then pulled out a parcel wrapped in wax paper; Sam wasted no time in approaching the pot and dumping the contents of her parcel in and Eli watched as a small shower of tiny meatballs plopped into the boiling broth.

"What'd you end up bringing?" Remington asked then. He had a small pocket knife in hand and was carefully cutting off the string that held the bundle of herbs together; she caught a whiff of it as well as a closer look and thought it was coriander.

Eli opened her bag and pulled out the chunk of cheese inside it, and managed to smile a bit as Remington's eyes lit up at the sight of it.

"Ha, you actually managed to get your hands on some of Sophie's cheese? That'll win you a lot of friends today I bet." He wiped the blade of the knife clean on the hem of his shirt then offered it to her, handle first. "Here, this'll help."

The cheese was the size of her two fists put together and it cut smoothly. She did notice a couple of approving looks as she dropped the first few pieces into the pot and watched as it melted and floated on the top almost like a cream.

"Should I try to spread it out?" she asked, glancing over to Remington; Arlo and Selene seemed to have moved on to other spots around the pot, chatting with the other townsfolk as they walked and dropped in cuts of meat and freshly cracked eggs at random intervals.

"You can, or you can claim a little spot and let others come to you," Remington answered. He started gently twisting the coriander into small handfuls that he sprinkled over a wide area of the hot pot's surface; the boiling broth quickly sent the little green bits floating away or sinking inward.

Along with the sudden surge of various types of foodstuffs appearing in the pot there were a lot of people and a lot of separate conversations going on around her; for now she decided to slice up about a third of what she had and spread it in the same area. As she was carefully cutting off a few more slices one of the short, hairy men appeared at her elbow with what looked like fresh fish fillets.

"Hey, look at that," was the man's greeting as he spied the cheese in her hand. "I always end up eating all that myself when I manage to get my hands on it."

She recognized him in that he was identical to the three others like him that she'd met, but his glasses were more opaque and a different size and shape than the ones his brothers wore. Quadruplets? "Would you like a piece to eat?" She cut off a decently thick bit and offered it to him; he accepted it with a grunt and smile and popped the whole thing into his mouth before beginning to carefully slip the fillets into the broth.

"-so, you're Eli. I'm Qiwa. You meet the rest of my brothers yet?"

"I've met Dawa, Sanwa, and I saw a third brother on the night I was introduced but I'm guessing that wasn't you. How...uh, how many of you ARE there?"

Qiwa began to chuckle, and didn't respond until he had all the filets in the pot; after wiping his hands on his shorts (Eli couldn't fathom how he wasn't freezing) he began to point to various spots in the crowd. There was Dawa, and Sanwa, and there was...three, four, five...

"-there's SEVEN of you?" she asked, looking down at Qiwa in amazement. "What's in Portia's water and should I be concerned?"

That got a deep belly laugh out of Qiwa. "Don't worry, you'll get used to it! We at least color code ourselves."

He kept on laughing and Eli shook her head - seven identical brothers, good grief. She cut a couple more slices of cheese and let them drop in; Qiwa headed off, still chuckling, and for a brief moment Eli was left standing more or less by herself as people milled around. Seeing that the pot was pretty cheesy where she was standing she decided she would move around after all and carefully edged off to the left toward a dark-haired woman who was carefully adding in what looked like dumplings but before she got too far another woman stepped in her path and cleared her throat.

"Oh, uh - hello." Her brain stalled on the woman's name; she knew she owned the bakery and she recognized her from earlier when Arlo had sent Toby scampering back to her.

"Hello. Sorry to bother you on a holiday but could I have a word in private?"

"Sure." Eli returned the cheese to the crumpled up bag and tossed the knife in with it as well, then tucked it under an arm and followed Martha - THAT was her name, right - as the woman headed over toward the far wall and gate that led out of Portia.

Once they were away from the crowd Martha inhaled deeply and seemed to be trying to force a smile but it didn't quite cover up how tense the woman seemed.

"You might have guessed this already or been told but I'm Toby's mother," Martha started. "I know he ran off earlier to pester you with questions and now all he can talk about is you being a soldier and fighting robots."

Eli winced a bit. "Sorry about that. I didn't mean to-"

Martha waved her hands and shook her head. "No, it's not that - I'm used to him being a nuisance and overly excitable when he gets fixated on something. It's more that I know exactly what he's going to do next and I wanted to ask you NOT to indulge him."

"...huh?"

Martha sighed and ran a hand over her headband and then through the hair it was just barely holding back from her face. "His father was an adventurer, and it got him killed. Toby is dead set on being an adventurer too, and while Django has been humoring him and teaching him some very basic swordplay I know without a doubt that he'll come asking after you to teach him how to fight as well. And I don't want you teaching him anything, because I don't want him encouraged to go off into the wilds like his father did."

...well, that's not what she'd been expecting. Eli mulled that over for a few breaths - it was a reasonable enough request, on the surface. "I can abide by that, sure. Can I ask you something, though?"

"Oh good! And, of course."

Eli shifted the cheese from one arm to the other, turning her head to skim the crowd and pick out where Toby was standing with the other children again; he had that practice sword in hand and was waving it wildly as he spoke, and the others were laughing along with him. "I don't mean for this to sound insulting or belittling, but how confident are you that you can keep him from running off, if he's determined to follow after his da?"

Martha's expression faltered a moment and then she sighed heavily. "Well...so far I've not had much luck..."

She trailed off and Eli nodded, more to herself than to the woman -- that was what she thought the answer was going to be. It would seem little boys are just as headstrong now as they were three hundred years ago; it was a bit endearing but knowing how concerned Martha was just based on how she was acting now...

"I won't teach him anything if you don't want me to, but it sounds like - at least for the time being - he's not going to let go of that particular dream. And if that's the case, maybe he SHOULD be learning how to take care of himself in a fight." She turned her attention from the kids back to Martha. "Since you worry he's going to run off anyway learning how to handle himself in a dangerous situation and how to deal with injuries and survival techniques would be valuable information for him. THOSE are topics I'm well versed in, and I wouldn't mind teaching him. But, I've got an idea for a compromise: I could bore him to tears with it in the process and see how much he likes the adventuring life then when he gets to see what all is needed for it."

Now it was Martha's turn to mull things over, glancing between Eli and Toby but seeming to be looking through them rather than at them. "I...didn't think of it like that. I try not to think about it in general because I just don't want to lose him like I lost his father. And, what do you mean when you say you could bore him?"

"I am definitely well-practiced in not thinking about things," Eli said quietly. She took a breath and then flashed Martha a half-smile. "And yeah, bore him with it. If we make learning the skills and the act of adventuring seem like more trouble than its worth that might work better than forbidding him from doing it. He's a kid after all: I've not met a kid who didn't push boundaries or rebel against their parents. This might be a phase you can turn him away from but if not at least he's not walking out into the wild unknown not knowing a thing about how to take care of himself. -- and actually, I had another deterring idea. How's his grades?"

----------------------------------------------------

After the hot pot gathering they'd all gone out into the fields for the largest game of "flag tag" Eli had ever participated in. Everyone was exhausted and muddy by the end of it but they all remained in good spirits as they trudged back in to town to goof around in front of cameras (old-fashioned film cameras...another thing that had been old even in her time).

While she'd admittedly not felt like mingling or even really felt human this morning Eli found she was glad she'd let Selene drag her out. The weird looks had mostly stopped by late afternoon and while only a handful of people had been brave enough to walk up to her she felt less...like an outsider, more or less. And she hadn't run into that minister either so the whole day had been pretty peaceful; she had a small photo of herself with Selene, Xu, Arlo, and Dawa posing beneath the large tree that took up the center of the plaza, and her jacket smelled faintly of wood smoke as she walked back toward Selene's place.

In the morning she'd be heading back into town to meet Martha at her bakery, before Toby had to be at school. He didn't know it yet but he was about to be offered survival and combat lessons, taught by Eli, on the condition that he had to get high scores on all his schoolwork for the next two quarters.

Martha had been tickled pink by the idea as it seemed Toby was a little terror in school too, and while the prospect of having to focus in school may not deter him initially Eli still vividly remembered her boot camp days...they'd find out how determined Toby was when she started putting him through his paces (both physical and mental - took more than just being strong to be a good ranger).

But, on the flip side of that particular coin, if he kept with it he'd be one heck of a well-trained adventurer. At the very least that ought to relieve a bit of Martha's worry about the kid if their combined efforts couldn't turn his attention away from a future career of adventuring.

She would also need to drop by the Civil Corps building and give Remington back his pocket knife - she hadn't been able to find him after the tag game so it was currently in her own pocket (and she'd made sure to clean the cheese off before closing it).

When she got inside she borrowed a thumb tack from Selene and stuck the picture to the top edge of the headboard of her bed, then changed into the loose pants and shirt she'd designated as sleep wear and crawled under the covers. Along with needing to talk to Martha and Toby, and return Remington's knife, she was also expected down in the facility to babysit the scholars...it was going to be a very busy day.

#Lost in Time #lit #Lost in Time - ch 10 #Arlo #Builder #Remington #Sam #Qiwa #Martha #My Time at Portia

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