#and my brain goes oh what if that happened
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Through Me (The Flood) - secret baby fic
Simon Riley / female reader - warnings: Simon’s past, PTSD
request(s): a first, some hard truths
Simon is a professional at quiet.
It's ingrained in him, a piece of his brain rewired from training to make his mass nearly invisible, depending on silence to stay alive.
Sometimes, he thinks he should make more of an effort to make noise at home. He should drag his heel, just barely, enough for a scuff or imbalance of his weight, to make a floorboard creak or groan. He should open doors in a rush, allowing locks and jams to click and clack, alerting whoever is on the other side to his presence.
But if he did, he wouldn't be able to do this, wouldn't be able to stand just outside Orion's room and watch you play peek-a-boo with him, hiding your face with your hands and then sliding them open, smiling so wide it makes his heart skip a beat.
"Where did he go?" You laugh from behind your palms, and reach down to tickle his belly, giggling. "There he is!" Ry is on a changing pad, on the floor (too big now for the changing table) naked except for a fresh nappy, beaming up at you like you're everything.
He and his son are in love with the same woman, he's afraid.
"Where did he go?" You make a show of looking for him, hiding behind your hands, unable to see the way Orion's eyes widen and dart around, clearly seeking your eye contact, before you squeal "there he is!" again and match him smile for smile.
He leans against the door frame, fully aware you still have no idea he's there, and pulls out his phone, desperate to immortalize as many moments as he can, filling his camera roll with pictures and videos of you and the baby so he'll have something to cling to when he's torn away by the next op.
"Where's my baby? Where did he go?" You feign looking around, turning your head from left to right, finally catching Simon out of the corner of your eye, looking from him to the camera, still smiling, sun shining across your face from the window. He smiles back, he can't help it. Once a foreign feeling on his face, now feels so natural when it comes to you. Orion kicks his feet impatiently, and you turn back with a gasp. "There he is!" You tickle him, again, and this time, when you giggle, he does too.
Your mouth drops open in shock, and you look at Simon wide eyed. "Oh my god. Did you hear that?" He practically drops his phone and goes to his knees at your side as you lean forward and blow a raspberry on the baby's belly, Orion giggling the whole time.
It hits him like a truck. He feels faint. The floor is uneven. His baby is laughing. The world tilts, and for the thousandth time since he ran into you on the sidewalk, everything looks different. He blinks back the burn behind his eyes as you pull Orion to your chest, kissing his cheek, cupping the back of his head.
"Say, daddy did you hear me? Did you hear me laughing?" You use a smaller voice, one trying to imitate a baby's, peals of bells ringing inside his head. He wraps an arm around you, pressing a kiss to Orion's head, breathing him in, and you lay your head against his chest with a thunk and a sigh. "I can't believe that just happened."
"I know." Orion gazes up at the two of you, eyes flicking back and forth, and you slide your fingers through his wispy hair. The lump in his throat dissipates, and he kisses your forehead. "Thank you." Thank you for this. For everything. For giving him a chance to have a family, for giving him a chance to show his son what a healthy home looks like, what love looks like. For it all.
Your draw back, finding him open and vulnerable, soft parts on display, unguarded. Your free hand cups his cheek, just as he's done countless of times to you. "For what?"
"For giving me everything."
Later, he’s on his back, lazily watching you in the bathroom from your bed as you brush your teeth and talk to your sister.
It’s been a week since you asked him to stay, since he held you through the night, and he’s hardly been back to his short term rental since.
You asked him about it, a few nights ago. Asked how close he lived, since he was back and forth so often, or if he had been making a trek. Wondered how never found him, if he was in the area. The guilt was rife on your face, and anxious to alleviate it, he told you the truth.
“Got a short term flat down the street after I ran into you. Wanted to be close.” You jerk back in his grasp, unbelieving. “My… friend, a bloke I work with, lives in this neighborhood. That’s how I ended up at the bar that night. Sometimes I would crash at his place.”
“You rented a place, to be close to us?”
“Of course I did, mama. Y’really think I was just going to leave you here all alone?”
“I miss her.” You roll into bed from your knee, and he hooks an arm over your waist to tug you into his chest, closing the gap. There’s something soothing about covering the back of your head, your skull, with his palm, fingers splayed in every direction like he’s holding a ball.
He tells himself it’s not because of the dreams. The ones he has where he finds you dead face down in a scarlet red puddle, shot execution style, and Orion missing. Certainly not.
“Who?”
“My little sister.” You snuggle closer, nose to his neck, and he closes his eyes, reveling in each second, counting them slowly.
“Where is she?” You sigh.
“Seville.” Spain? “I used to live there, and she visited once. Fell in love with it. It’s where she goes for school.”
“You lived in Spain?” You nod, sleepily. Feeding Orion always wrings you out, and it was the last thing you did before getting ready for bed.
"Yeah, I used to kind of, float around. Lived in Venezuela briefly too, once. Morocco, Cameroon, Berlin-" Your name is a shredded ribbon from his lips, confused and curious, wrapped up into a jumble of syllables.
“For… fun?”
"I got antsy after uni. Didn't want to just stick around where I grew up, I wanted to do stuff. See stuff. So, I kind of... took off." Of course you did. You might be a kitten, but you're still curious, smart. Bright eyed and enchanted by the world. You probably had a wonderful time running around across the globe. "I'd like to take Orion traveling, you know? Make sure he sees the world, or some of it at least. I'm trying to believe you can still experience life even though you have a baby. Like you can experience life... with your child, right?" His jaw clenches so tight his ears pop. You had big, beautiful wings-
how was he going to clip them?
“Simon?” His name brings him back to earth, to where you're curled up in his arms, warm and soft and safe. He sighs. The conversation looms like a reaper over him, a big, ugly storm brewing on the horizon.
"Let's talk about the travel for when he can at least eat solid food, alright?" The placation burns like acid in his stomach, and you press a kiss to his neck.
“Alright.” He takes a very deep breath.
“But… we do need to talk about something, mama.” Your brow furrows.
“Talk about what?” He doesn’t like the way his heart feels in his chest, a rock sinking to his stomach.
“There’s a lot… you don’t know, honey. A lot about me, and my job.” You stay loose, but pull away to get a better look at him in the glow your bedside table.
“Okay…” It’s meant to prompt him, to lead him to the next step, the one where he starts talking, but the words are frozen in his throat. “Hey,” you dip into his line of sight. “Simon. What is it?” The truth starts to burn. It smolders until it becomes a full flame, spilling out of his mouth, scorching everything in his path. You.
“My family was killed because of me.” You jerk away like he’s slapped you, eyes wide.
“W-what?” Your voice shakes, and he doesn’t blame you.
“My mother, my brother, his son and his wife, they… they died. Because of me.”
“I don’t understand.” Of course you don’t. Why would you?
“It… it doesn’t make sense to start from the middle, so I’d like to tell you… about my life, and my… experiences, if you’re open to listening.” He wanted to hold you for this, wanted to feel your pulse beating beneath his thumb, but you’ve created physical distance, and he doesn’t want to push you. He has to believe he won’t lose you. He doesn’t even want to think about what he might do if you tried to leave. “Please.” His voice cracks, and you nod, timidly.
“Okay, Simon.”
At the end of it all, you’re silent. Shell shocked. Sitting up in bed, sheets pooled around your waist, you stare him, your breathing short and staccato. He reaches for you, trying to bring you comfort, trying to pull you into himself where you would be safe, and loved and held, but Orion starts to cry, fussy, hungry sharp wail piercing the silence, and you tumble out of bed for the door-
leaving him alone in the dark.
#peaches writes#through me (the flood)#simon riley#simon riley x reader#simon ghost riley#simon ghost riley x reader#ghost x reader
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A Bouquet of Breakdowns
Choi Seungcheol x reader
Sometimes, life is a bride that just gives a whole ass bouquet of problems in one throw.
TW: breakdowns, stressed reader
a/n: hi so this is more of a self-indulgent fic. I've been so stressed lately and I may have inserted my own situation in this fic in a very detailed way too much, so sorry bout that. But other than that, hopefully everything's good at your end of the screen but if not, hopefully this fic will help you in any way possible. Enjoy reading caratdeuls!
~Main Masterlist~
I’ve got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine
I got a love and I know that its all mine, oh oh
Do what you want but yo—
Seungcheol groaned, trying to reach out for his phone on his nightstand in his sleepy state. Letting you change his ringtone to this song may be a mutual decision for the sake of comedic timing but right now, all he wants is to just throw his phone out the window.
“Whoever decided that 2 o’clock in the morning was a good time to call was definitely gonna taste the wrath of a sleep deprived Cheo—”
“Oh thank God you answered!”
He paused for a second, his brain trying to comprehend the urgency in your brother’s voice. Once his brain caught up to the moment, he sat up immediately.
“What do you mean, Chan?”
“I’ve been trying to call noona for 30 minutes now and she’s still not answering her phone. I’m panicking right now hyung. I don’t know what to do!” Cheol can already hear Chan’s pacing from his end of the line and knew that he was already at the brink of a panic attack.
“Hey, hey, hey calm down for a bit. What do you mean you’ve been calling your sister for a while now? Isn’t she in her room probably sleeping right now?”
“That’s the thing! She isn’t! I went in her room to borrow something from her but when I entered, she wasn’t there! Oh god, this can’t be happening right now.”
“Okay, breathe Chan. I’ll go help find her. Do you have any idea where she might have gone to?”
He heard Chan take a deep breath before answering slightly more calmly than before, “Try the park behind the church. I do remember her telling me something about the garden there and how she goes there sometimes.”
“Okay, thanks Chan.” Cheol stood up, immediately searching the vicinity for a shirt and his wallet and keys.
“Wait, I’m coming with you.” He can already hear a door slam shut before Chan even finished his sentence.
“No, stay there in case she comes back. I’ve got this.” The call went silent for a bit and Cheol can feel his hesitance to follow his instructions. But even then, Chan knew he was right and can only sigh in agreement.
“Okay, fine. Just call me back once you find her, please.”
“I will, don’t worry.”
“Thank you, hyung. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“No worries, Chan. I’ll do anything for the both of you.”
Once the call ended, Cheol rushed to his car, praying to every single higher being he can remember at the moment that you were alright. He wasn’t really shocked with how your brother reacted to your sudden disappearance. Ever since you were children, all he could remember was how you took care of your little brother all by yourself. Your parents were always too busy for the both of you thus, you were left with all the responsibilities in your home including being a parent for your own brother. Because of this, Chan decided that he was gonna be your protector in any way that he can be. So it was no shock that he would react this way.
It took him around 15 minutes before he reached the town’s church. He parked the car by the sidewalk before walking towards the back of the church where the park is found. Chan didn’t really specify the garden that you mentioned but he had a slight clue as to what it might have been. You were always fond of the hydrangeas that bloomed at this time of the year. He can remember how pretty you looked under the light of the sunset as you explained how hydrangeas can grow in groups but still retain a unique beauty for each flower. He then remembered how you further sprouted random facts about them and all he’s thinking about is how much he loves your nerdy side.
Walking through the park, he tries calling out your name but there were no response. As he neared the garden hidden at the very end of the park, he can slightly hear a melody being played from a phone. Once he got closer to the sound, he sighed in relief when he clearly heard the lyrics to your favorite song. It was only then that he realized how stiff his whole body was from panic, only relaxing when he sees your form lying on the grass and watching the stars above. He sent a text to your brother to let him know you’re safe. As soon as he received a text back, he walked towards your direction, careful not to spook you too much.
“You do know that phones are made primarily for texting and calling, right?” You immediately turned to the direction of the sound, scared for your life. But once you see your boyfriend’s face, you relaxed your hold on your pepper spray and took a deep breath to calm your nerves down.
“What the hell, Choi? You scared the shit out of me.”
“Well to be fair, you scared me first what with you disappearing in the middle of the night and not even telling anyone about it.”
“Okay, fair. Sorry about that.” You sheepishly smiled at him in an attempt to look apologetic as he lies down next to you.
“Apology accepted.” Cheol stretched out his arm to you, letting you cuddle up to him, “but i can’t promise any forgiveness from your brother any time soon. He was about to burn the whole house down in panic trying to find you.”
“Oh god.” Cheol chuckled at your response. He can already hear the gears in your head running and trying to find an acceptable peace offering for your brother. For a few minutes he let you dwell in your thoughts, knowing all too well that you’ve already moved past that and now deciding on whether or not you would share the whole reason why you’re out here at this time of night.
“So,” Cheol started, “want to talk about it?”
You hummed. Biting your lips, you said the first thing that came into your mind, “I don’t really know where to start.”
“That’s okay. Take your time. We’ve got all night.” His hold on you tightened for a bit, letting you know that he’s there for you no matter what. You don’t know what you did to deserve him but you thank God so much that he let you two meet because you don’t know how you will ever survive this world without him in your life.
“I’m overwhelmed,” you sighed shakily, “everything is too much and I can’t even relax properly. I…”
Cheol scrunched his eyebrows in confusion when you didn’t continue your train of thought only to hear you sniffling and feel your body shake a bit from trying not to cry.
“Its okay, love. Let it out.”
And then the dam broke.
You told him how your work was piling up and everything was just so stressful. You also told him about the disappointment you felt when your workmates left you all alone while struggling to meet a deadline on time when they promised you that they will help. In short, you have vomited every single slight inconvenience and big event in your life that happened in the course of a few days to your boyfriend. Your sweet and caring boyfriend who’s listening intently to every single word you’re saying.
By the time you were done, the sun was beginning to rise. You can hear the sounds of the nature around you waking up as Seungcheol wipes your tears and hug you tightly. You can feel him kiss your hair, stroking it in an attempt to ground you. You both stayed like that for a few more minutes before Cheol made you both sit up to face each other.
“You do know you can share anything with me, right?” He cupped your face with his hands, forcing you to look into his sincere eyes.
“Yeah, I know.”
“So the next time you feel like this, will you please go straight to me?”
You felt your lips quiver due to the intense sincerity that you felt from his words. You observed his face, memorizing every detail and imprinting them into your brain.
“I will.”
Seuncheol smiled in relief before hugging you once again, pulling your head to rest on his chest as he enveloped you with his arms. Maybe you’ll have a hard time letting him be a shoulder for you to cry on but he vows to you and to himself that he will be there to catch you whenever you fall.
Taglist: @moonwonuu @belladaises
#caraetdeul.blr#seventeen#seventeen au#seventeen x reader#seventeen fluff#choi seungcheol#seungcheol x reader#scoups x reader#scoups x y/n#scoups#seventeen angst#seungcheol angst#choi seungcheol x reader#seventeen choi seungcheol
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dividers in fanfiction: experimenting with screen readers
So I wrote up this tutorial on pretty AND accessible dividers for fanfiction (focusing on AO3, but this goes for every piece of text on the internet that has a divider somewhere). I confidently proclaimed that using an hr element instead of some random characters is the better way to do it, to accommodate screen reader users – but I had never actually tried it for myself.
I wanted to remedy that and took some time to experiment with a screen reader (Orca, because that was easiest for me to get my hands on). Setting that up was actually a bit of a hassle, so I captured the audio output to post it here, and you can hear for yourself what I'm talking about without having to bother with technology and then you can make up your mind about how you want to handle dividers in your own works.
I picked three pieces of fanfiction on AO3 that I knew off the top of my head had characters as dividers in them (because I love them! so much!!), selected a bit of text with the divider in the middle, and had Orca read it out to me. Here are the results:
Example #1: simple dreams of comfort by softestpunk
I tried this one first, and it confirmed my guess: the screen reader simply reads out the characters as it can't tell what they're supposed to mean.
Example #2: Pretending! Unless… by Aria_Lerendeair
This was up next, same thing in principle. Here I also found out that empty paragraphs are a little bit unwieldy if I wanted Orca to read the selected text. And also I was starting to get used to the voice by now.
Example #3: Tower and Rose by Moorishflower
Same thing, Orca reads "plusplusplus". As a bonus I discovered what happens when there is a full stop missing (did you catch it?). And this was also when I realised that I really could get used to that objectively awful reading voice. Like, if my other options were more tiring, or I had none? I'd probably try different readers, and I'd spend a lot of time tweaking the settings (there are SO MANY SETTINGS), and then I'd enjoy my favourite fics anyway.
And how does an actual hr divider get read?
Orca by default reads it as "separator". Which is not all that great either in my opinion, BUT I could teach it to just read it as a three second pause. Or make it say "skip" or whatever I like. That would be fairly easy to do, but teaching it how to read every random string of characters – not so much.
So, bottom line? It's less problematic than I thought. Sure, "asteriskasteriskasterisk" in the middle of a story doesn't sound nice. But I could get used to that meaning "separator". Brains are flexible like that. It does increase cognitive load a little, but not that badly I think. (Cognitive load is useful a concept, I'll write more about that soon.)
If you have published on AO3 and you'd like to convert to hr elements in your works (those can also be styled to look very nice!), I wrote a step by step tutorial on how to safely and easily replace the random characters with hr elements. If you use it, let me know how it worked for you! Constructive criticism very welcome 🙃
Oh and: I actually made a cool tool that lets you push sliders around instead of fiddling with code! Go ahead and design some lovely dividers for yourself. No CSS skills required, just copypaste the resulting code into your work skin!
@softest-punk, @aria-lerendeair, @moorishflower:
I hope this does not make you feel put on the spot (not at all my intention), but maybe rather a little flattered as I really did know those three fics sufficiently well to remember they had different strings of text as dividers. It's not quite the same as someone making fanart but… right now I'm just loads better at coding than at drawing. So, do with this possibly newfound knowledge as you will! And also whenever you will, I imagine you've all JUST come out the other end of Dreamling Week, phew… I am writing this with much love for you and your fics 🥰🥰🥰
#fanfiction meta#accessibility#screen readers#how to ao3#uuuhh also#reading recommendations#these three dreamling fics are all fabulous!#for writers#AO3 formatting manual#ao3 formatting#witch moon ramblings#reblogs appreciated#I'm just trying to raise some awareness here#I would LOVE to hear from actual screen reader users on this!
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Preface: People are going to assume this is a response to recent drama. So I want to say that I started writing this draft before that one blog's response to me. It was shortly after midnight on the 8th when it was just barely what I consider my Birthday. I was reflecting on my 3 years of existence and where I am now. The fact that I got the response I did later that same day is a total coincidence.
I don't feel like I have friends anymore...
That's an awful thing to admit.
I have one other system I feel like I talk to with any sort of regularity, who I love and consider friends. But they're not involved with syscourse which is so often where my mind goes. And so I don't talk to them about it because I don't want to trouble them, which means I don't talk to them because I can't think of what to talk about.
What else do I care about?
I mean, there are other things I care about, but they probably wouldn't care about those things. And I struggle to find something to say. Something that feels worthy of their time. But again, not syscourse or something that would bring them down.
I've had other friends. But they've faded away with time. One by one.
And a lot of that is my fault. I'm not good at being a friend or knowing what to say. And I'm not very good at opening myself up.
And when I can't think of what to say, I choose to say nothing. I ghost people I like because it's hard to maintain those relationships.
And I'm aware on some level that this hurts people. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who treated others the way I do.
And there will be times when I'll decide to do better. I will, with full confidence, say that I'm going to change. I'll be a better friend. A better person. I'll fully believe this is something I'll succeed at for the rest of the day. Then the next day comes and that conviction melts away.
I think one reason Jaiden's story of having ADHD appeals to me is that if this was the problem with us, maybe, we could identify it and then just take one little pill and it will fix me.
That's a nice fantasy, isn't it?
A naive fantasy that ignores the fact that I'm in the brain of someone who was homeschooled and barely had any friends as a child either. But it's a nice fantasy to hold onto anyway.
So, yeah. I don't feel like I have friends, for the most part, outside our system. I have a blog. I have followers. I have plenty of mutuals I like interacting with.
But there aren't people who I truly trust to let in. It doesn't feel like anyone actually knows me or who I am anymore, if anyone ever did.
Since I haven't posted on it for a week and don't know when I'll post on it again or if I will, here's a confession: I made @anti-lies! Sorry to ruin the mystery for anything speculating! Though I didn't think I was even that subtle about it.
But the only person I know who guessed it was me was SAS! Which, congratulations! But also, that's kind of a sad thought that the person who might know me better than anyone is someone who was my archnemesis for the past two-and-a-half years.
To be fair, SAS did imply that other people might have guessed it. But if so, whatever circles those conversations are happening in aren't ones I'm in.
Oh wait, I'm not really in any circles am I?
I'm on the outskirts of the community. I mean, that's sort of by choice really.
Public posts can bring more awareness of plurality and tulpamancy. Locking myself in Discord servers or some isolated community makes me feel like I'm wasting my time because I need to be talking about it publicly where the world can see. I really, really don't want to be part of a Discord server. It's my choice to stay out of those spaces and I don't regret that decision.
But sometimes it's weird when I realize that most everyone else is. That they're actually in plural communities in a way I'm not.
I wonder, do people even realize I'm an outsider? Again, by choice. I've been invited to servers and chose not to go. I'm not being ostracized or anything. I've turned down attempts at bringing me further in. No one is to blame but myself. But either way, the result is that I don't feel like I'm really part of the communities I spend so much time advocating for.
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18/4/24
✿❈✿❈✿
Got cuddles from both cat and dog
Got some time alone in the house
Ate an orange
#happiness diary#happiness diary: april 2024#i got something in my eye earlier and i dont know that it came out#i think its just back there now#i saw it for a second so i think it might be a hair but it slipped down before i could reach in and get it#i have to be extra careful cus my hands are not great at doing what i want them to#so yeah#it happened just before i took the dog out so i sat for like 5 mins trying to get it out before giving up amd walking the dog anyway#and i was walking around with one eye closed pretty much the entire time#so i looked uh strange and unfriendly#cus if the whole i cam feel theres something in my eye and i dont like it feeling#now cus i think its behind my eye im like#oh no i heard a story where someone lost their vision cus a hair got behind their eye and wrapped around the nerve or whatever#and it uh brike the eye so they couldn't see anymore#and my brain goes oh what if that happened#like uh i sure hope it doesn't i like being able to see out of both eyes#but ye my eye still feels wierd not sore just like not right#so let's hope it stops feeling like that and the hair gets out of my eye#that would be nice
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Gear 5 luffy's laugh is so contagious I just hear the drums and go insane how does this work. What did he do to me
#i still cant believe how much this new opening theme goes off.... DREAM SAVE ALL OF US 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH 💥💥💥💥💥💥#wait a second. the robot attacked 200 years ago. the void century was 800 years ago no????? what#oh see it was made 900 years ago.... but why did it attack 200 years ago then.... what happened#it is still so funny how they made evegapunk einstein but with some cunty long legs#200 years ago they gave rights to the gyojin!!! i see i see ✍️✍️also i still wonder why law and kuma have similar hat and pants designs#like there is NO WAY that much similarity isnt done on purpose. NO FUCKING WAY!!! I NEED ANSWERS!!!#are they annihliating cp ships akdhakskd yeah vegapunk letsgo#also the opening song is about dreams and the end one is about luffy reaching shanks...... havent got a clue why but there it is#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 1098#also is lucci named lucci bc it kinda sounds like luffy. SERAPHIM KUMA HAS HIS DEVIL FRUIT???? vegapunk could only make zoan fruits????#also wdym when cp0 acts it means its some historic event. lucci is like 25. where are the experienced people here#sentomaru works for vegapunk??? maybe i forgor about this tbh also do theu have a doffy seraphim??? the fact they have animal names....#stussy letting kaku get hurt akdhsjsn oh atlas has lamb ears..... and lucci said she is is prey... no..... the foresahdowing :(#lucci you fucked up she just gave luffy food... that a death sentence look what happened to kaido#episode 1099#<- oh my god btw. god. jesus.#why is akainu telling the cp0 what to do or thinks he can do that... thats the world gov... also thinkng about how garp should fight him#and not luffy.... because of ace you know... i still wonder how did sengoku know who ace's father was... there is only one man who knew....#everyone trying to stop them from fighting ajdhsksjks two rabid dogs fr#LUFFY TAKING OFF HIS JACKET WHEN LUCCI ASKS FOR HIS WANTED SIGN!!!! GO OFF KING!!!! SLAY!!! THE CREW SAW HIM!!! FINALLY!!!#i have been smiling since he started the transformation this is so sick...... i have got a case of the luffy brain#zoan fruits steal the personality of the user when they awaken ✍️✍️ luffy???? nami being the only one who saw gear 5 <3 twins manifesto#robin being so shook about luffy being a god ajdbjansk wdym devil fruits exist because people wish for them. fairy magic real????#WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY ARE FROM ALTERNATE REALITIES WHERE SOMEONE DREAMT ABOUT THEM??? DOES HE TRAVEL THRU REALITIES FOR THEM???#jinbe has been making this face 😧 every episode three times it is amazing ajdhaksnsk poor man... now he sees a kid angel version of himself#after seeing hia captain turn into a god... he is gonna get a stroke OMG SENTOMARU WE JUST GOT YOU BACK#episode 1100#<- CRAZY. INSANE. OH GOD. ONLY 12 LEFT. THATS A WEEKEND!!! I CANT DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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it's so funny how I can meow more realistically than bark, if I try to bark it's just high pitched like a tiny dog, and if I meow, I sound like an old ass cat
I cannot growl or do other stuff though, I can do a cats "mmmmmmmm" when angry, and can hiss when scared (i don't do it on purpose actually) but other than that I still can't get the other noises yet 😭
I can do a bird sound tho
#wolfkin#caninekin#dogkin#starsboys post#otherkin rambles#otherkin stuff is running through my head plus I'm bored so I said#“hey fuck it lets share this to tumblr.”#I'm a wolf#and yet I can mostly just do cat noises#anyway does anyone else clench their jaws and teeth bec their brain goes “angry dog mode”#like it doesn't really happen now but it used to#also I'm wild but also not wild what the absolute fuck am I#debating on deleting honestly lol#I could ramble abt my experiences girl (neutral)#oh wow I'm actually allowing myself to be free to express this online instead of being worried about being seen as “weird”
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Me internally, everytime I have to agree to let someone do something nice for me: haha my schedule has been disturbed *bursts into tears*
#its frustrating bc my brain keeps me locked into these patterns that drive me insane#but if someone comes in with something disruptive from a place of good intentions its like oh boy u dont understand the amount of stress#youve just Subjected me to. bc i kno the the anguish will outweigh the enjoyment bc that's usually how it goes#so my brain is like no nonnonono say no but ppl dont understand that#they get annoyed when you try to turn away nice things so i just have to grin and bear it to not make them feel bad#which does not feel good#this time i got out of it tho bc i was standing in my kitchen sobbing inconsolablly and i was like actually fuck this#and my boss gave me an out when she texted me so i was like fuck this#bc i dont wanna celebrate paper submission and phd acceptance. theyre just things that happened whats the point in celebrating? ive got#better things to do but thats not the point ugh#i just need a lazer that beams my thoughts into ppls heads so they can just understand my brain#unrelated#me
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having the most delusional thought process ever rn
#luckily thoughts get to stay as just that- thoughts#i wanna say it so bad but its annoying and dumb#missing yr ex has u thinking things like “oh ex frequents this laundromat... what if we cross paths again 😳 what if we meet up..”#but im just lonely and thats cringe and creepy (my ex wants me back tho..... and i wanna go back... the self control struggle is rl.)#this is all happening bc the apart laundry machine broke and the xlosest one to uber to is the one ex goes too#in reality i should rlly be paying the extra fare money to go to the one in the town next over#ive just been crazy these last 2ish months thtz all#i wish my ex would say something like “i never wanna see you again/ we are done” i wish my ex didn't want me back#to be wanted again.... omg.....#anyways im not letting myself go to the laundromat today im doing it tomorrow and hopefully i will be more uh. clear-headed#i know i went from never talking about this for the majority of 2023 to now talking about it at least once a week#idk what happened bruh#something in my brain totally snapped loose and im like. i wanna go baaaaack (for all the wrong reasons)
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— @tsarnvoiny ❤'d for a shippy one liner | still accepting!
"So, you said that I'm your favorite, your hand was between my thighs, and then you told me if you were going to, that I'd be the one you tried." She smirks, shaking her head. "Then you told me that your boyfriend wouldn't mind", then she hands her a glass of water, letting a sarcastic little laugh out. "Like that was going to happen, I sent you to bed afterwards, you were so, so out of it."
'I can't believe I was flattered about that, pathetic', she thought.
#[ this is the aftermath of a drinking night where she was pouring out her feelings to her and now wanda was telling her what happened#the morning after when she asked if they had kissed because she is still reluctant to confess her feelings; also don't ask this is fully on#her i was trying for a one liner then that song came on my playlist and it was OVER FOR HER SHE WAS LIKE OH THIS IS US ]#🌙✨ — my brain goes ah; can't hear my thoughts | closed#🌙✨ — inspired by; pretty girls - renee rapp#tsarnvoiny
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five seconds away from stealing the plot to honnouji hotel for a zany hijikata x daigo story
#snap chats#context: woman goes to hotel that was built on top of honno temple and through magic takes the elevator back in time and meets nobunaga oda#wow i cant believe i was able to fit all of that into one tag lmao#BUT YEAH I NEEED.....#i know we think of hijikata coming to the present but what would happen if daigo went to the past for five minutes#AND IT COULD HAPPEN WHILE HIM AND MINE ARE ON A BUSINESS TRIP AND THEN IT JUST GETS FUCKY WUCKY#oh it could be sadder it could be after Y3.... both are very good...#this reminding me bout how i liked the idea of hijiikata possessing a kirin statue...#i dont think ill have that be relevant in this Hypothetical au but its just remindin me i think daigo/hijikata has funny potential#i have to do comm stuff this week wehhhh my brain's molding but at least it's almost the weekend
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i mean this with peace and love. and it’s 100% bc i’m sick and therefore have no patience for bullshit. but why is the stranger things fandom so goddamn annoying. godbless you all need to shut up
#this is not about any of my mutuals u are all perfect and lovely and big brained and great <3#but i do see second hand mentions of things going on outside of my circle and i think#damn. what the fuckass is goin on over there#omg what's that video#'whoa that guy's got horns! that's not normal. oh well. not gonna let it ruin my day' that's me w#literally any stupid st disk horse that goes on and repeats on an endless cycle every week#i put down my sunglasses pretend nothing is happening and post about how bad i want scott clarkes dick instead#i say things
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🥹
#helia writes#helia's stuff#what i love about this fic as well is nust as i tell myself 'oh yeah like. ten more chapters should do'#my brain goes 'but what if THIS happens in the story'#and i must listen#but in all seriousness ty to anyone who reads this fic bc it is my child and it is#well#it's gettin' there!
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oh shit y'all.
i've done gotten invested in Gurren Lagann. we're like 19 episodes deep in this paint and i have been emotionally compromised by the silly mechs.
believe in the me.
#that believes in you#i was gonna say pray for me but that makes me actively uncomfortable so don't do that#but i figured the believe in me thing was fitting#gurren lagann#i don't know how deep this rabbit hole will go for me - but i have a drill so let's find out i GUESS#y'all i did not anticipate this being what happened to me in my 30s i thought i'd found all the anime i was going to be emotionally attache#to in my teens and HERE WE ARE I MISSED ONE I GUESS#i'm having a blast don't let my silly complaints fool you i like to be dramatically angry about things that delight me sometimes#the THEMES the MOTIFS the STORY IT'S TELLING#UGH#SO GOOD#i don't want to hear criticism about it because it's BEAUTIFUL and I LOVE IT#we're watching kill la kill when we get done with gurren lagann and i am SO EXCITED about that trigger knows my weaknesses#and it's goofy faces and tiddies while dealing with really deep subject matter in a ridiculous way#also apparently mechs? wasn't anticipating that one at all i am ambivalent about mechs in general#but BOY HOWDY DID I CRY WHEN DAI-GURREN HAD TO EXPLODE ITS SWORD OFF#anyway... where was i#oh yeah so anyway in case you haven't guessed yet this taking over my brain slowly but surely and i'm sure there will be at least one#attempt at fic in the future for me we'll see how it goes#in the meantime...#oh yeah fun fact#i fucking thought gurren lagann the mech was from gundam and so when i started recognizing it i went THAT'S WHERE IT'S FROM?? but in my hea#because i didn't actually watch gundam i was ambivalent about mechs as stated earlier but of the gundams that one was my favorite#AND IT'S NOT EVEN A GUNDAM I FEEL SLIGHTLY LIED TO BUT IN A GOOD WAY SOMEHOW???#anyway we're having a super normal one over here don't mind me
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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can my brain please stop thinking about bg3 ive been laying in bed for like 4hrs now
#im trying to sleep but then my brain just goes “okay but like remember how our tav could probably get wings in the epilogue technically”#“oh what class and subclass should or fav characters from other media be and would they multiclass”#“man i rly need to make some of my other ocs as bg3 characters”#“should my next playthrough be an origin playthrough. or evil durge. or just evil tav”#“will i ever be able to completely move on from playing as some kind of elven sorcerer and why is the answer to that no”#“ok so ik im still in act 2 But i cant wait to kill those annoying ppl in front of sorcerous sundries again”#“only have to do a liiiiiittle more and then i can respec shadowheart to make her subclass fit with her story hmmmm”#“i cant wait to turn down the emperor as much as possible”#“would my tavs dragon wings fit with that wavemothers robe??? i think they should....”#“oooooooh what if i imagine the post-epilogue life of my tav w astarion and imagine them being guest lecturers for gale”#“my evil run is gonna destroy me so much.... no karlach... no wyll... dead aylin and idk what happens w isobel...”#“i wonder if im gonna find even more places i never discovered in my first playthrough once i get to act 3 again”#like can you just Stop @ my brain
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