#and losing Zero last week really hit me hard
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It’s my birthday
#I always feel conflicted about my birthday#but the past few years I’ve tried to celebrate it more#and even tell people when it is lol#but it’s hard for me too#cause I’ve historically had a lot of tragedy around my birthday#and losing Zero last week really hit me hard#plus some other things in my personal al life that makes me nervous about getting older and the passage of time#but I’m still gonna try
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Hello my wonderful fandom :) Thank you for all your lovely comments on me being delayed. Not my usual M.O. but I definitely needed the extra time to process. I was GUTTED and absolutely wrecked. Poor D had to deal with my panic spiral for most of Wednesday. (love you lol) I'll be honest I'm still little shook up and sad. Kinda grateful for the 3 week break tbh between episodes. This was a gut punch I wasn't in the least expecting. Hoping we'll get a S7 announcement during this hiatus. *fingers crossed* Get it together ABC. This took me awhile to unpack emotionally so thank you all again for being so patient.
So I want to preface this post. There will be ZERO And I mean ZERO bashing of Tim in this review from me. Would appreciate that in comments as well. I love conversation you know I love comments. What I don't like is hate being spread. Also nothing on Eric either. I've also seen this which is utter madness. Don't touch our captain. Man loves this fandom so much. Deserves respect. If you came to this review for either of those things please promptly exit stage left. I mean that in the kindest way possible but I love Tim/Eric so it's a non starter with me.
I’ve never so deeply related with a character in all my life as I have with Tim Bradford. I’ll be dissecting this ep to best of my ability. I love both these characters so very much. Why I was knocked out for a couple days before could tackle this. I imagine my thoughts will change when I do my summer in depth one. When we have the rest of the season in pocket. I have to say this won't be mini at all. LOL So lets get rid of that concept right now ha I can't be mini with this ep. I am not brief so thanks for reading. Also hats off to Eric my god he was incredible in this episode. Melissa too killing me left, right and center you two. Let us get started.
6x06 Secret and Lies.
Poor Lucy looks like me when I’m stressed and drained af. Tamara asking how stressed she currently is? Lucy answering 19.....She looks like a 19 if not worse tbh. This is probably the most time they've spent apart since they got together. Basically living together at this point let's be honest. Other than 6x01 they haven't really spent time apart aside from that UC op in 5x21. *sigh*
Tamara asking if Tim is still ghosting her? Lucy trying so hard to keep it together with her answer. My heart. What a wreck she is without Tim. Do love that we get to see her pin-up board btw. Good shot of her room we don’t usually get. That cupcake poster I love it so much. Although now it makes me sad...
Lucy asking what's wrong? Tamara telling her she wants to move out with some friends from school. Crap. Her moving is the last thing she needs…. But it's good for her even though the idea makes me sad. End of an era. Lucy is right she needs to live with people her own age. Doesn’t make it hurt less though. This is a ROUGH season for Lucy my god. The hits keep coming for our girl and I wanna hug her. Shield her somehow....
Lucy touching near her tattoo when she reaches Angela. (Mini gut punch.) I do love her coming to Angela about this. If there is anyone who knows Tim like she does it's Angela. Does help she finds his behavior alarming too. I mean of course she does. You can see the immediate worry. The empathy she has for Lucy is there but she holds her cards close in her advice. Telling her to trust him even though it's literally killing her. Not the council Lucy needed to hear or was looking for.
Lucy wanted more action than 'Just wait and trust him.' She has been trusting him but she’s so insanely worried. Going out of her mind with anxiety for her person. It's exuding out of of her and she looks like she wants to cry…Ugh me too Lucy. I’m an empath and an anxious one at that. I would be going out of my mind too…. Angela looks worried as hell though. Even though she isn't conveying that to Lucy at this point. Breaking my heart as she takes off from their convo. Because if she doesn't she'll lose it right then and there.
God I love Angela Lopez. First off well done on tracking him down. She's just a bad ass. I mean it's one of the reason's Lucy reached out to her tbh. Just gets into his car, drinking his soda, calling him out right away. I love her reasoning saying she can live off Wesley’s trust fund. Lmao. Doesn’t matter as much if she get's fired. 'Wine o'clock.' for her. Gotta love the confidence. I truly hope we get more Tim/Angela scenes the rest of this season. I always adore their dynamic.
Tim is sold on her reasoning and starts to explain the current situation he's trapped in. Angela taking it all in and assessing everything as he explains. Once Tim has succinctly summed up his current predicament Angela's reply is the best. 'I’m in.' lmao I love this woman. ‘I got your back boo.’ That she does. In more ways than he even realizes at this point.
Gotta commend Angela calling him out for walking away from Lucy. Not only that but his job to arrest a guy hasn’t thought of in a decade…. Ain’t no one better than her to be there to call him out his crap right now. Not only that but to really dig deep. To know this is far more than what he's sharing. This is why Angela is an incredible detective rooting things out like this. Saying this is more than just protecting Lucy. Her intuition is out of this world.
I mean she's not wrong. Lucy would understand if it was just about the benefits. She would be proud really. Thing is it's about protecting himself too. Which really just scratches the surface of why he is doing this. Tim knows he's caught even if he shrugs it off. She has him dead to rights and he knows it. 'I’m your BFF. I know you.' Ha it’s true whether you like it or not Timothy…Just like Lucy she has your number.
Angela giving him crap with how they're following Ray. Worried he isn't being smart about this. This is so unlike him to be this sloppy and unfocused. She was right he was tailing too close… Ray catches on to their tail quickly. When he scanned the vehicle made me so nervous. Doing it while he's taunting Tim. He's so detail oriented blows my mind Tim let that get by him. This SL gave me such MASSIVE anxiety as I watched it. Oh my lord.
The minute they get back to Angela's place she calls him out once again. Asking why he thinks this is ALL his fault? Tim shrugs it off and she refuses to take that as his final answer. Of course Angela was right there is far more to this story. Tim finally opens up to her about what happened. He had been leading his squadron for some time. Looking to move up to Sergeant.
The catch was he couldn’t be promoted if there was rampant criminality in his unit. Ray clearly was in the way of him moving up. Tim figured he could keep it within his unit if they went after him.. Oh Tim…. It was an unsanctioned mission too. Thinking if he could accomplish this would be easy fast track to his promotion.
Kills me to know he was there during the air strike ugh… Details missing from the last episode. The Humvee saved him and Mark but not his other men… I can't imagine what Tim felt in that moment. The immense amount of guilt laid on his soul from here on out. I mean it makes sense why he never left patrol before Lucy. The last time he tried to advance his career this happened. My broken boy.
Eric CRUSHES this scene. I wanna cry. My poor Timothy. He was more focused more on his career than his oath...Got two of his men killed. My damn heart. He’s so ashamed of himself. The way he points at himself when he says 'leadership.' I knew his military past would be dark but holy crap. I wanted more of his backstory and they delivered that in spades. What a gut punch this had to be for him. No doubt his men were loyal af to him. Would've followed him anywhere and did.
He carries leading those men to their deaths because they followed his leadership. Oof. That is quite the weight to keep on your soul. Also gives us insight to why he shoulders everything. Even when he doesn't have to. Punishing himself for past transgressions such as this. I'm sure when we get to the other side of this season, I will have an even deeper respect for the writers going into his backstory like this. Giving us even more insight to this man.
This hurts so good to get this kind of info. I have no doubt that’s why he shut Lucy out. The shame he feels is overwhelming. I totally get it. Nothing scarier than someone knowing your darkest secrets. Not only that but worrying they’ll think less of you due to it. Tim already struggles with self loathing. Been a theme for him his entire arc on this series. Something I've touched on a lot. This is truly bringing that to light in the most painful way.
We see Ray scanned Tim's car in order to gain access to it. To check his GPS to see where he's been. How he's been tracking him. When he scrolls down to Lucy's address. Made my stomach sink. Legit felt sick to my stomach....
I do love Lucy coming home and having Tamara there. Saying she ordered pizza for them. This is exactly what she needs. Do you really have to go Tamara? I wonder if she'll delay leaving now after this ep. There is a knock at the door and of course it's not the pizza. It's Ray. Hair's on the back of my neck stood up from the moment he entered that apt.
I know Melissa stated in her interview she was nervous about this scene. That she came off awkward in her anger. You are incorrect madam. Holy hell Lucy is a BAMF. Telling him the only call she's gonna make is for the ambulance. Because when she's done with him he's going to need it to wheel him out. Holds her ground like the confident bad ass we've all loved seeing her become.
Lucy calling him shaking and demanding where he was. Ooh lord hell fire coming with her through that front door. I love Angela grabbing Tamara to another room. Like let's go mom and dad are about to have a big blow out. Let's give them some space...
Tim asking if she's ok? Truly concerned but Lucy isn't having ANY of it. 'Do I look ok?' Damn no she doesn't....Ripping into him saying how that creep could've showed up when she wasn't there. Lucy is not wrong....Oh my lord I’ve never seen her so damn mad. She is RAGING at him and rightfully so. Her home was violated, Tamara was put in danger and threatened. All because Tim was trying to protect her. phew.
Tim FINALLY concedes to telling her something. It only seems to enrage her more. She is literally vibrating with anger in this scene with him. The more he tells her the more it doesn't explain why he left her in the dark. Lucy begging him to read her in. I mean she has earned that my love. ..Telling him to stop protecting her. Gah Tim is a deep loyalist who would protect anyone he loves even if it's not the right thing. His reply is a reflection of that.
'I can't. I won't.' He's so driven to keep her safe. His instinct is to protect her but doesn't see he's hurting her in the process. I knew she was going to be pissed he let Angela in and not her. But Tim was right she has a lot less to lose. Which doesn't seem pertinent in this moment...I do love her placing her hands on his when she also replies. 'I can't. I won't.'
Mirroring his words from moments ago. Just like he will never stop protecting her. Lucy will never stop fighting for him or longing to help him. That man is her entire world. The most important person in her life. It makes perfect sense she would help with this. Career be damned. I mean she risked her career to get him a shot at Metro. Of course she would do the same thing in order to shoulder his burden with him.
Love her standing her ground in this moment. Like damnit I love you and you are going to let me in. Whether you like it or not I am here and I'm going to help. If this wasn't a reflection of the communication problems that still painfully exist between them I don't know what is. I mean she tried to be patient and trust him. But honestly he needed this kick in the ass to let her in. Which is a problem. Lucy needs to be the first person he goes to. It shouldn't have to come to this. *sigh*
Their OP goes off without a hitch. Except Ray saying he was going to be an air strike on Tim's life.... God I had no idea as I was watching that scene how true it would be. Tim gets his interview and lies to protect Angela and Lucy. While keeping his own job intact as well. Also welcome back to Jackson’s dad. Hello there Percy. This is not how I wanted to see him again.
But he is IA him returning was never gonna be a good thing tbh in a post Jackson world. Regardless it was nice to see him again. The scene is Grey's office is ROUGH. Never seen Wade so disappointed in Tim. It hurts to watch. Just like this entire gut punch of an episode. Tim is just standing there in utter shame of everything. Ashamed Wade is looking at him like this.
Kills me Grey has to inform Pine of what he did. It makes sense he has to but damn that sucks. The amount of respect Tim has for Wade is immense. To watch him tear Tim apart and just stand there like a puppy being scolded hurts my soul. Especially when he tries to fight Pine knowing. Just dismissing him without further comment or argument...
So I will say this and it's not at all fair to Lucy that I thought this I'm sure. But I felt like if there was gonna be a breakup it would be coming from her. Not Tim in this moment. That's the part of this moment that really knocked the wind out of me. She had every damn right to be the one too btw. Instead she is there waiting for him with open arms. Honestly I took a breath for the first time this entire episode when she welcomed him in.
Wrapping him up in her arms. Encasing him, rubbing his back, her fingers in his hair. Gently cradling him against her. I thought ok maybe we'll be alright. Since Lucy isn't nearly as angry as she was earlier. Maybe they can get through this together. Cause she loved on him regardless of what happened. The unconditional love she has for this man blows me away. I honestly thought with her loving on him maybe they'd make it out. That they’d work through it together.
Tim looks so very defeated. On the verge of an actual breakdown as he explains that he lied about everything. Saying it saved his job...protected Angela and her. It doesn't seem like enough of a win to him. He looks so very destroyed and this is just the beginning of his downward spiral.
Lucy is doing everything to be his rock in this moment. To assuage him of his guilt… Most vulnerable ever seen Tim *pre tears*…. Lucy telling him it was an impossible situation. She would've done the same thing. It’s so very clear she was willing to work through this. To build them back to where they were before he got that phone call. Everything Lucy was in this scene represented her unconditional love for him. Tim is just too destroyed at the moment to see it….Also for him to accept it. It's so hard to truly accept unconditional love if you've never had it before. To truly trust in it.
Lucy is watching him spiral out of control. The way he's talking about himself with such loathing. How she never would've been in a place where she put her self interest over her team like him. She is trying her damndest to right his wrong. But Tim is having none of it. It pains me to see it... Pains Lucy too. It's the way she grabs onto him while he continues his verbal self flogging that get's me.
Trying to ground him in this moment with her touch. Bring him back to her. Something that has worked so well in the past. Sadly not having the intended affect this time around. Tim is too damn gone at this point. He feels he’s betrayed everything he thought he was. THOUGHT he was. *heart clutch* Tim has such a deep moral compass. That's why this is rocking him so very much. Ugh my heart. I too have a crazy deep moral compass. I can't say I wouldn't be spiraling out like him as well.
This was his greatest sin brought to light. To Tim exposing him for the fraud he feels he is. Him saying he's been lying to himself for a long time is a reflection of this. That imposter syndrome coming out real strong here. Something he buried deep down came rushing to the forefront and he is imploding. Says as much above. He no longer feels worthy to be in her life now. I get this anytime I screw up with a friend or my sister. I have this deep sense of shame attached to it. Like I no longer deserve that friend or my sister cause I messed up or if a past sin comes up. That they'll no longer love me or will forever look at me differently cause of it.
It's not logical but it's deeply ingrained from my mom shaming me for doing anything wrong growing up. As it is for Tim. His father literally beat the hell out of him for ever being out of line. He has suffered emotional and physical abuse. Unless confronted and treated comes out like this. Demons making their way to the surface. I was bawling by the time he said 'I'm sorry.' He’s never seen himself worthy of Lucy’s love that much has always been evident. But to see it this raw and visceral ripped my heart out. It’s on the ground where they're both standing.
I think this is something that has been brewing in the background for Tim for a long time. Now that I've had time away to decompress and think. I'm actually very excited they're tackling this. It's clear Tim is not in a place where he thinks he deserves her anymore. Low key never has been. He acts before he thinks. Eric had a great quote from his interview about Tim "He is impulsive and he reacts instead of thinking things through, and it can come out a bit too strong.” That is this decision in a nutshell. He feels he is a burden therefore he is removing himself without thinking it through. The regret that is going to come with this is going to be immense for him.
'You deserve so much better.' Better than me basically. He feels immense shame and that shame is launching him away from her. You know I learned something in therapy about this. About not being perfect and feeling like I'm too much. i.e. a burden. My therapist told me and it made me cry. 'You are worthy of the space you take up in people's lives. They want you there.' Tim does not think he is worthy of the space he is taking up in Lucy's life now. All his sins on the table laid out for her to see. He can't handle it. That much is very clear here. I will say I haven’t let a ship hurt me like this in a long time.
This absolutely crushed me. I couldn't even fathom assembling my thoughts. Cut me very deep. Been with this ship since day one. Also what a crushing blow this is for Lucy. Our poor girl. I mean she gave everything to this relationship. I mean EVERYTHING. She was all in from the moment Tim said ‘Unless it is.’ This was her first real relationship. First real leap into being serious. Thinking about marriage and kids. She gave her all to Tim my god. Her career took a hit for him and she never complained. Knew he was worth it (he still is btw) Fought every step of the way for him. For them.
When he was pulling back above it was an absolute panic for her. She could see him slipping through her fingers. Idk what broke my heart more Tim thinking he’s not worthy of her any longer or her begging him not to do this. She literally can't fathom how he can let go of her like this. Thought she was his person. Tim feels he’s gone back to who he was pre-Lucy and that scares him. He feels undeserving of the love she has to give him. Lucy knows everything and in his mind he can’t imagine her still loving him.
Lucy was as we all were in this scene. In disbelief... Even though Tim put her though absolute hell she was still there to comfort and support him. Because to her he is worth it even in the hard times. We all know Tim isn’t the best with his emotions. In his trauma damaged brain he thinks he’s doing the right thing here. That he’s radioactive, she deserves better than being around him and his reckless behavior.
The kiss on her head. Lucy trying to physically push away his rejection. Stomping all over my damn heart...However this ends up playing out Tim is going to have to address his emotional instability. How he charges forward and doesn’t think things through. Ruled by his emotions in the worst way. He’s impulsive and he’s gonna have to fight to get her back when he’s in a better mindset. Her trust has been obliterated by this. She fought and clawed for them and this was her reward. He’s gonna have to do some serious healing to get back to her. Lucy has loved him the best she can but he needs to put in some work now. We see next ep he's meeting with Aaron's therapist. Don't love that but I’ve wanted Tim to go to therapy for years. He needs this. Therapy doesn’t work unless you put the effort in though.
That will be a challenge for him. When I get out of the purview of this hurt I’m feeling...I’m actually going to be really impressed and happy they had Tim go through this. Do I think this is the end of them? No I think this is some serious growing pains. It was issues that have been percolating since Lucy did that 5 player trade. Hell probably back in 5x12 when Tim sacrificed himself without telling her so they could stay together. I still think that was romantic because of it's intended nature. BUT was the beginning of the communication problems. They’ve grown so very much in that regard. We’ve seen it but there is still work to be done on that front. It just came to a very gutting painful head.
I still have faith in the writers. I still have faith they’ll be ok. It might not be right away and I'm already feeling impatient tbh. But this is some serious realism being applied to them. It wasn't some random BS angst. Honestly we’re lucky our ship gets the most attention, the best SL’s and two people who LOVE these characters. They absolutely adore them and this ship. If you haven’t read Melissa and Eric’s interviews for this episode I highly recommend. This sucks right now. No two ways about it. But we will survive this storm. They’ll come out stronger than ever. Truly believe that. But for now let's rally around each other and get through this together. There will be brighter days ahead just doesn't feel like it right now. We got this.
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Side notes non Chenford.
Do love Aaron working with Harper all if of all I cared about other than their SL in this one. Nolan's I fast forwarded which I normally don't do but I had no patience for his BS in this ep lol My anxiety was rampant in this ep and had no space for him.
Also RIP Metro Tim for the 6x07 promo. This hurts to see not just cause I enjoyed him in that outfit lol But to see his career take a nosedive like this. I wanted more Tim back story. Didn’t think would hurt like this though....Feel free to comment I love you all for any interaction I get with these. <3
#Caitlin mini reviews#chenford#s6#the rookie 6x06#6x06 Secret and Lies#otp: unless it is#otp: doing my job#the rookie#tim x lucy#tim bradford#lucy chen#lucy x tim#eric winter#melissa o'neil#tim bradford x lucy chen
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sorry for cloggin up your ask box, but i don’t have an ao3 account, so i hope this will do
i love the way you write the kids, especially nikki. she’s so mature, funny and polite, makes my mouth hurt from smiling hearing her and scout talk
another thing, thank you for having the kids act normal around scout and sniper being romantic‼️ they’re not homophobic, just the usual little kid “eww kissingg”
the descriptions of panic attacks are incredibly realistic
also as someone with adhd, you wrote scout SO well. i have the inattentive type and i relate so hard, despite not being hyperactive. forgetting things that i just put in my pocket, wondering if i have my phone while literally being on it, losing your train of thought, drawing constantly, and rejection sensitive dysphoria
i hope it’s okay i’m writing you fan mail in your ask box, i don’t really read fanfic but you’ve got me hooked here. i don’t even know how i started liking sniperscout, but before i read yours i read… ah what’s the name… i forget (searched ao3, it was called “somethin’ stupid, like “i love you”” by preciousposey. man that was a good fic too)
anyway uh
thank you for being a great author!! hope you sleep well and have zero writer’s block forever <3 (and i hope your living situation gets better, i’ve made it up to ch 18 so (why am i getting deja vu writing this im sorry if i did this last time))
thank you! yeah i love nikki. i used to work with kids a lot (a LOT) and they’re just hilarious dude. sometimes these kids will say some shit that’s so excellent and so fun and so entertaining and will know what’s up and she’s kind of a representation of that. kids are great.
and yeah i guess i just don’t personally see like. the value in putting overt homophobia into the tf2 universe. there’s not really the overt expectation of ‘realism’ with the tf2 canon, and while i consider grounding these characters and putting them in more normal circumstances to expand on their more human characteristics to be kind of A Thing I Often Do, i don’t think i need the blunt instrument that is Gritty Realism Through Onscreen Bigotry to make any of the points i want to make in this series. the flavor is kept intentionally lighter throughout that series so that when it gets heavy, it hits a little harder. in other things ive written, and in things i might write in the future, that might pivot, but i don’t ever see bigotry being something necessary to the plot or development of characters in the RB universe.
writing scout as adhd feels kind of inevitable at a certain point if you’re diving into his characteristics and the way he tends to behave. we don’t have a ton to work with but, c’mon. intentionally or unintentionally, he always ends up adhd. the relatable king
and no lie i’ve been listening to ‘still alive’ a LOT lately idk what happened. i listened to that song back in like 2015 a lot then didn’t again until like. three weeks ago. portal was too good for any of us
also just goddamn the fuckin horror movie violins when someone is pre-chapter 20 of taking shots. me when i’m 2/3rds of the way through “sniper dies in this”
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it is Time
for the post no one asked for but which i shall write nonetheless
now that Voyage has had time to settle, i am ready to put my thoughts into words that make some kind of cohesive sense, for my own benefit and hopefully some enjoyment for others
these are impressions gathered from the previews that Apple Music had available prior to album launch, my first listen-through during the twitch livestream with JD, as well as how all that has gelled over the last week and a half.
The Llandoger--first heard on the Jingle Jam stream and then the JJ concert, this one continues to be sheer fun. the Robbie energy is off the charts, the warmth of that refrain "we'll all be well tonight" really hits in the recorded version with the full chorus echo effect and feels like I'm hearing it live in a concert with the audience singing around me (which. will be made reality in less than three months AAAAH), there will be DANCING.
Whiskey Is the Life of Man--the banjo and the harmonies in this one are driven and intense and I really like that, but the overall sound is more growly and hard-drumming than my tastes generally lean toward. the "recording" sound effects in different places are pretty cool, and did i mention the harmonies. as;lkdjf for being my last favorite song if i were forced at plank-walking-point to rank them, I still admire the craft that went into it!
Proud Mary--this was one of the songs they did a YouTube version of that I would have been clamoring to be on the Kickstarter-unlocked studio sessions album if it hadn't already been on the Voyage tracklist, and the Voyage version is even richer. Instant head bopping, 10/10 no notes very excited to have this on my Spotify playlists now <3
Leaving of Liverpool--starts with a bang and loses zero of that energy. Some great a capella sections and again, very dancy. HYPED to hear this one live!
Mutiny--when I heard the preview on Apple I was happy for another comic Robbie song, and the full does not disappoint. Delightfully ironic, classic waltz with definite Sea of Thieves vibes (I say knowing only the SoT songs they've covered). I don't have a lot of words for this one but it's one of my favorites. Simply darling.
Skadi's Hammer--the Apple preview did NOT prepare me. I thought it was going to be a weird little dark song I wouldn't particularly care about beyond being happy for Andy's songwriting credit and. well. we all know how THAT turned out. you've already heard my livestream-night frothing at the mouth and I have since mostly overcome the full-body petrification that would strike me the first several times I listened to it, but AAH. the swooping shh and the drum and the harmonies and the imagery it's SO COOL if they're all going to be entirely immersive sensory experiences i need more andy songs in my headphones STAT please and thank you.
John the Red Nose--we joke about BIG HATCHETS AND CLEAVERS but that's really so fun and then the way it softens down for the last verse, giving the spare ribs to the poor? CHEF'S KISS BEAUTIFUL STRUCTURE the building and building and climax and then that gentle bit of kindness and charity als;kdjf again the ARTISTRY in the songs that couldn't even fit into my top say five or whatever is mind-blowing. the fiddle background is wonderful and the cold winter forest vibes are settling in properly after Skadi's harvest time.
Greenland Whale Fisheries--new harmonies! more deaths! a breath of fresh sea air after our visit to the forest! all good things in their familiar a capella trad style we love to see it
White Frontier--and now the seas have turned cold and the wind has picked up and the drums drums in the deep wait sorry wrong lore. the chorus absolutely slaps despite being about a lot of death. this doesn't quite hit my top tracks when I sit down and think about it, but it sure gets stuck in my head more than you'd expect for all that...xD
One Hundred Feet--a;sldkfjas;ldkfj;sadlk skadi's hammer hit me physically, but this one hit my feels. classic TLJ vibes. a pleasure to the ears, a wringing of the ol' heartstrings. i'm in love. there's something so comforting about Robbie's sad singing, isn't there? and the harmonies on that one change-up bit in a chorus near the end are absolute perfection. can't sing this one's praises enough.
Willie Taylor--girlboss time ft. some fun sound effects! dally dilly dumm dilly dumm dum dum dum dally dilly dum dilly all the wayyyy. a little funky for my tastes in places but not much more than Bonny Ship the Diamond which I sometimes have a hankering for regardless. I'm not clear on whether she killed Willie's new bride-to-be or not but I'd rather not know. Nicely eases you out of sad feels and gets you ready for funtimes.
Maggie's Ship--I believe this is what the people call a 'banger'? heavy on the cymbals but the slap bass goes hard. cacophonic in places, especially the end but. survivable. And a fun character sketch, Dave's lyric work here is delightfully twisty!
Shawneetown--what can I say. harmonies. stompability. pure joy. never gets old love love love.
Paddy West--THE closer of closers. restful without a jarring drop of momentum, engaging and funny to keep up the positive vibes of the last few songs, and the gradual attenuation at the end is BEAUTIFULLY done.
Overall I really admire how there's songs for such a variety of tastes on here, the artistry on display within that variety, and how structured the flow of the songlist is. It feels just like its name--truly a voyage in song.
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Glum dog behavior musings under the cut in case that’s not your jam rn
Hallow has not been having a fun time the last couple of weeks. She’s been more on edge since a dog incident in July, and a few weeks ago I started struggling with some personal health things, which she is 100000% tuned in to (she knows my dizzy episodes are coming before I do and loses her mind when they happen), and she just really all over the place. We were doing a lot of pattern work with a trainer, and while she was doing great within the training, she was having big, unpredictable reactions to people and dogs and generally seemed nervous. This was a big concern for me, because “big” (barking) reactions were previously quite rare for her and she was formerly not a generously nervous dog; she always had great recovery and rarely “searched” or was vigilant for triggers in the past, that had changed.
Though she wasn’t “that bad” and still quite functional and easy to manage, I decided to chat with her vet about medication to, at the least, help her through this tough period, she started fluoxetine just shy of two weeks ago.
Side effects are hitting her very hard. She had a four day streak without eating anything (and I mean anything- not even salmon fillets I cooked for her), extremely drowsy, increased fear, lack of interest in play, dizzy- or something- she sometimes seems like she’s not quite aware of where her legs are, generally very dull and not herself. Seeing her like this is extremely distressing to me. She has, from day one, been an extremely playful, energetic, and cheerful dog and that’s just gone right now. I thought she was feeling okay this morning so I took her to her favorite lake and she ended up having zero interest in playing in the water, digging in the sand, things she normally goes nuts over. She went for her ball a couple times but would lose interest almost immediately. Took her home after a short amount of time and she’s been zonked all day- I don’t think I’ve ever spent this much uninterrupted time in the house with her before.
She has had one-off days or playful moments where she seems mostly like her old self- she had a great day yesterday, and can now be coaxed to eat wet food, but the general trend right now is “holy shit where did Hallow go”
From everything I’ve read, it’s not uncommon for dogs to struggle pretty hard with side effects when starting fluoxetine and it usually resolves. I know positive effects can take months to become apparent. I still plan to call her vet on Monday to see if it might be a good idea to lower her dose a bit.
No point to this post. I anticipate things will improve and if they don’t after a reasonable amount of time, I will wean her off the med and likely try something else. Just had to vent because good god it is brutal to not recognize your dog, even if you expect it to be temporary.
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[if you find it creepy that I comment on your mental health notes like a creeper, please say so]
Hey MJ. I read your notes about making zero progress and going backwards. I don’t want to offer platitudes or condescend to you because i don’t know what your life is like and what you’re dealing with, but i wanted you to know that from this internet stranger’s perspective, you are brave and strong. Because i look at your blog, and i see someone who is kind and compassionate, who loves passionately and unapologetically, someone who is still hopeful. And to me, that takes courage, that takes emotional strength and resilience, to still see beauty in the darkness, to put yourself out there where others can see, to deliberately choose love and kindness over and over again.
Yours is the only blog i visit regularly because you are witty and talented and unhinged in the best kind of way, yes, but above all because your blog is a safe place for me. Last week i had to put down my 14-year-old cat. It was one of the hardest things i’ve ever had to do. I had a panic attack at work and had to take the rest of the day off. I got home and opened Tumblr and looked at your Dating Sim gif sets. And it just settled something deep inside me. I’m still a mess, but when i need a smile or to escape for a little while, your blog is my go-to. Think of the prettiest pink sky, the softest soft hug, that is what your blog is to me. And all you ever had to do is be your—talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique—self. 💖
[you said that you sometimes find motivation in fannish things but not so much in other things. someone i respect very much once said that to be a fan of / be obsessed with something, that is living with love. those who know love and those who don’t have very different qualities of life. i think it’s such a lovely way to describe hyperfixation: we are living with love]
i do not find it creepy, friend!! this is a public blog and i enjoy when people interact with my posts/tags. promise, it’s all fine! 🥰🥰🥰
hi! first of all, my DEEPEST condolences to you. i know how pets can be super important to us, my dog is already old and sometimes i try to prepare myself because i know sooner or later he’ll have to leave me. but i don’t think one can truly be ready for something like that. so i completely understand your struggle and even though it’s so incredibly hard, you’re dealing with it as best as you can and you’re sooo strong for that!! most days i don’t think i live on without my dog. god knows how exactly i’m going to do that akdkskdkks but we gotta live one day at a time and make the most of them. it’s all we really have!
so i’m sending you lots of hugs and positive energy!!
when you mentioned visiting my blog regularly and feeling a little better after seeing my our dating sim gifset, i legit started crying 😭😭😭 (granted, i cried a lot today but this is the first happy tears. so thank you!)
i mean, i do like sharing about my struggles sometimes because i don’t want people to think i’m just preaching toxic positivity and that i never go through tough times when that’s simply not true. i hit rock bottom every day but happiness is made of lil moments and i get to have many of those throughout the day as well, most of them here making and sharing things i love with my mutuals.
it’s just my choice to focus on the good moments instead of the bad ones and i want to be defined by my choices, not my struggles.
but i didn’t really expect to bring that kind of comfort to someone else and it really moves me that i can help you in any way, even if just for one second. losing a loved one is sooooooo hard, i’m happy that i can keep you company and that this can be a safe place for you, even if i didn’t know that. so thank you for telling me about it!!
we are living with love 🥺🥺🥺😭😭😭 that is so beautiful and so true!!!
and you know what? i can live without being loved but i simply cannot live without loving things and people but i wouldn’t have it any other way!!! while being loved is one of the most wonderful things ever, i get to have little pieces of everything that i love in me as well and that’s enough 🥰
thank you so much for reaching out!! for writing such lovely words, they really touched a very deeeeeeeeep part of my heart and i feel floored by your kindness.
takes a brave, strong and compassionate person to know what bravery, strength and compassion look like. so everything you see in me reflects exactly the type of person you are!! we’re all mirrors of our thoughts and actions!!!
i’m sure your cat had a lovely life and was very lucky to be loved by you!!!!!!!!!!
take care of yourself, angel!!!! love you ❤️💙
#i can’t stop crying#but thank you so much for being one of the best things to happen to me today ❤️❤️❤️#anonymous#mj got mail!#favorite
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Cringe
Summary: In The Ultimate Enemy, Valerie blames Danny (Phantom) for the inciting incident, so I thought we’d look at that a bit more. Further Inspired by the song “Cringe” by Matt Maeson too.
Characters: Valerie Gray, Damon Gray, Dark Danny/ ‘Dan’ Phantom
Word Count: 2,400
[...] She said I’m looking like a bad man, smooth criminal
She said my spirit doesn’t move like it did before
She said that I don’t look like me no more, no more
I said I’m just tired, she said you’re just high lying [...]
It was raining again in Amity Park. These last few weeks it had been a near constant -morning, noon, and night- as if god were trying to either wash away any trace of the city or clean a stubborn spot that no one else was noticing. If you asked Valerie Gray, she’d definitely tell you it was the latter, and she could even point out the blemish; the bombed out ruinscape that had once held the dignified title of “The Nasty Burger.” She stood silent in the crumbling wreckage, her face still despite how much she wanted to scream from just being near the place anymore. It had been three months since the accident, since the explosion. Six dead. Twenty-one injured. Hundreds of thousands in property damage. Zero actual answers as to what happened that night.
She should be thankful, really. She was scheduled to work doubles that entire week, but since the fight a few days before the explosion had ruined the side of the building, she had taken the extra free time to study for the C.A.T exams. Her grandpa had always said that book learning would save her life, and unfortunately, he seemed to hit the nail on the head this time. Shame it didn’t do anything for the others, she thought, kicking a piece of rubble into what used to be the dining area.
She should be thankful…but once again she just found herself angry and sad.
Valerie told herself she wasn’t going to cry when she finally visited the restaurant. It had actually become a sort of local memorial to the fallen. “The Six” they had been called in the papers, a sick joke that served to give an air of celebrity to the victims of the tragic accident. There’d been after school group trips to The Nasty Burger by the students and faculty to put flowers in the wreckage, reporters trying to get a quote from anyone and everyone with the slightest connection to the victims or the establishment (they almost had a field day after Valerie slammed one to the ground for taking pictures of Mrs. Fenton’s sister when she came to take her home, vultures) and even a surprise appearance from Vlad Masters early on, who - in a state of shock - had offered to pay for all of the funerals. She should have felt more at ease seeing her benefactor in all of this come swooping in to play clean up, but he seemed… off. He was visibly rattled, audible mumbling about changing plans and completely losing the composure he’d had the last time they had seen each other. Even in a town already plagued by ghosts, nothing shook people quite like being too close to the dead.
Thunder rumbled and lightning illuminated the sky as Valerie remembered the last thing Mr. Masters had told her months ago; I- they haven’t seen Daniel in days… if you see him… hear from him, please, do let me know?
He hadn’t looked at Valerie the entire time he spoke to her and honestly, she could understand why. She remembered him and Mr. Fenton discussing football and loudly laughing as they worked hard together after the town had been sucked into the ghost dimension. Zone, she corrected herself, a minor annoyance in the memory, it’s more of a ghost zone, actually. Regardless of what she or anyone else called it, when they were stranded there the Fentons had stepped up big time, offering their technology and their home to anyone who needed it, including her and her father.
He was currently holding the umbrella for her while she took the scenery in. An ever calming presence in her life, Damon was holding back his own tears, determined not to give the rain running down his face any more company as he provided strength for his daughter. His selflessness reminded her a lot of both Tucker and Jazz, two people she didn’t get to know as well as she probably could have. Valerie remembered the dozen texts Tucker had sent the night he stood her up, apologizing and explaining that he had to go help Danny with something at the last minute. There was just something about him she couldn’t stay mad at, something genuinely charismatic there; someone who was used to playing peacemaker without a second thought because, as he said, he’s a lover not a fighter.
Well, he was.
She kept going like that for a while, thinking of all the good things about the people who were now gone. Romanticizing them a bit, sure, but not enough to dehumanize them. She thought of how often she’d seen Jazz running study groups afterschool, juggling multiple subjects with a smile on her face as she bounced from student to student. She thought about Mrs. Fenton in the lab, throwing her weight around as effortlessly as her husband while they tried to find a solution to the town invasion but still checking in on the kids to ease any building worry. She even thought about Sam and how for all her edge and venom, she was one of the most protective people Valerie had met in her long fifteen years of life.
Reflecting in grief, Valerie pictured the three of them -Danny, Tucker, and Sam- all, laughing at a booth in the Nasty Burger while she worked the counter, eavesdropping and silently wishing she had even been that close to any of her friends when she was still on top of the world. A small part of her took that thought and ran with it, wondering if there would be flowers for her too if she had met a similar fate.
Fortunately/unfortunately, she didn't have too much time to continue her morbid march down memory lane before she noticed the figure standing in the center of the destruction. He hadn’t been there when she looked up before, and given the way he shimmered in the rain, Valerie knew it wasn’t human either. Racing from the protections of her father’s umbrella, she brandished her weapon and prepared to get an answer from a dead man.
—------------------------
Danny heard the rifle charge up before he noticed anything else. A roar like a car wash vacuum cleaner starting came from behind him, the telltale sign of a weapon specifically designed to hurt things like him.
“Put your hands up.”
It was a command nearly drowned out by the shaking in Valerie’s voice, her confidence buried under rain and rage. The roar grew closer. As did she.
“I said put your fucking hands up!”
Danny obliged her this time, raising his arms and opening his palms to show his hands were empty. She couldn’t see the smile on his face, she thought she was in control here, that she had any kind of upper hand in the current situation. Cute.
“Turn around… I want you to look at me, Phantom.”
This is where his fun began.
—-------------------------------
This is where her nightmare began.
Rather than turning his body around to face her, Valerie heard a sound like expanding plastic, a hollow mockery of what something inhuman would imagine bones bending and breaking to sound like. Watching in horror, she saw Phantom twist his head completely around, the skin of his neck binding and piling into coils as he locked eyes with her, his hand still raised as per her previous demands. Something was wrong, and she could see that very clearly now.
Because of their previous encounters, Valerie had gotten a pretty solid mental image of Danny Phantom, and while the thing in front of her checked a few of those boxes, it was undeniably wrong in others. Starting with the eyes, whereas he used to have eyes the color of irradiated emeralds, he was now sporting red pools of malice, windows into a place far too gone to even be called a soul. His face had warped too. Gone were the cute cherubish features she had secretly appreciated, replaced instead by sunken skin with a sickly green hue and faint red veins branching out from his eyes. Taking a step back, she noticed that the rain wasn’t even touching him, not really. Instead it was boiling and steaming as it came into contact with his hair, a roiling platinum mess of fire burning from his scalp. Valerie knew that ghosts could look bad, but this was a new level. This was bad.
“Wha-” she began, he finger slightly easing off the trigger in pure horror, “what happened.”
Moving his still rotated head from side to side in further disregard for human anatomy, he smiled at her, enlarged fangs visible for the first time in his mouth. Before she could react further, he was in front of her, a smooth motion the force of which broke through the rain and pushed her back into the wall that was her father. Damon’s stationary mass wasn’t enough to stop their momentum though, the combination of the shockwave and the rain slicked ground sending them sliding against one of the Nasty Burger’s few remaining structures. This was definitely new.
Normally when Phantom fought, there was a floatiness to him that was equal parts whimsical… and annoying. This though, he was too grounded, almost as if he were being defiant and grinding his foot into the earth out of a single-minded hatred, determined to mar the surface of reality in any way he could. He was also laughing too much, enjoying her fear and disorientation in a way that Valerie had never seen in him before. Weapon or not, she felt terrified just being near him anymore.
“Well,” he finally said, hands glowing and sizzling as he towered over the two of them, “I’m looking, Valerie, but I can’t say I'm impressed with anything I’m-”
—------------------
Danny stopped mid taunt as the rain around Valerie and Damon began to shimmer against the outlines of a group of people. He’d been having this issue for days now, avoiding reflective surfaces as much as possible. for this exact reason. Recoiling slightly when one of the mist figures reached out to him, he snarled and hissed as they surrounded him. He recognized their faces of course; his mother and father, his sister, his friends… but they weren’t real, they couldn’t be real, he reasoned, growing more angry and unstable as the images flickered around him.
He watched their faces shift between pity and sadness as they stood between him and Valerie, his eyes flickering between red and green faster than a human eye could see. The whispers had started now, he was hearing their voices in the rainfall that gave them form. His mother offering a seat for him amongst the rubble, his sister telling him it wasn’t too late to turn back, his father standing with open arms as if that could make it all go away like he was still some simple child. There was another figure in the rain, too, a hooded figure holding a staff that seemed to stay at the edge of his vision, he seemed more real than the others, something that infuriated Danny even further. He was grabbing his head now in frustration, fingers burning themselves in the hearth of agony as Valerie and her father watched on in horror, feeling as though time was slowing down as he broke into a screaming fit in front of them.
“Killed you all,” he murmured, pushing through the rain specters to step closer to Valerie and Damon, hands crackling with energy “again and again and again… long as it takes… killed you all.”
—----------------------
Valerie didn’t understand what was going on, but she didn’t care anymore, she’d heard enough.
Killed them all.
She squared herself to take the shot while Phantom was battling whatever demons had finally caught up to him, confident that she could finally give this town and herself some closure. Unfortunately for her, Danny had regained himself enough to deny her that. Waiting for her to take the shot, he opened a hole in the side of his head she had aimed -moving the flesh and ectoplasm into an undulating portal like he had done so many times before- before shooting the gun out of her hands and lunging at her...In the space between them, a crack like thunder struck between the two of them, and suddenly Danny found himself on the ground, his scrawny frame pinned under the massive paternal presence of Damon Gray wearing a modified version of the Fenton gauntlets.
“Valerie,” he barked, snapping his daughter out of the shock of such a close call, “go!”
Before she could respond in either way, Danny sunk his fingers into the flesh of Damon’s left arm, a roar of pain echoing the explosion that set all of this off. Glowing red eyes bored into his own the elder Gray felt the ground began to soften and bits of rubble sunk into the concrete.
“Sorry, Mr. Gray,” Danny sneered, his own body now halfway sunk into the portal he’d just begun to open, “if you wanna teach me a lesson then you’ll need to be a bit more hands. On!”
Sadistically digging in further and eliciting another scream of pain, Danny didn’t notice that Valerie had picked up the gun again. With the sound of a rotting watermelon slamming into the pavement, the two separated in a cloud of dark red mist and luminescent green slime, with Damon falling back out of Danny’s area of effect and Danny holding up his freshly destroyed hands in a pantomime of clapping; laughing with maniacal glee while he finally sunk all the way into his portal with a smile.
Scrambling to reach her father in the downpour, Valerie looked at the mess around her and began to sob, careful not to touch the bleeding stump of his arm as she hugged him until she felt herself stop shaking. Relying on each other for support, the two of them stood and began to make their way to the car, more on edge than ever before and flinching at every noise they couldn’t find a source for. Helping her father into the passenger seat -his arm now freshly tourniqueted with the shirt he was wearing- Valerie took one last look at the Nasty Burger before wiping the remaining tears from her eyes and sliding herself in the driver’s seat.
“I always fucking hated this place.”
#danny phantom#valerie gray#damon gray#dark danny#phanfic#raveyardfanfics#there's just so much to explore in the ultimate enemy timeline#also so much to explore with Valerie#so like yeah apple pie and ice cream baby hope you got a sweet tooth#also this a very not sweet fic just a heads up!!#also just know every#body horror
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Do I feel vibrant (in general)?
I’m in pain (from exercising more), so no. I still don’t know what it means to “feel vibrant”, either.
Do I feel sexually desirable?
I have never felt this way in my life. I’ve been working out harder lately and I (finally) hit the 30 pound mark and now my next goal is 20 pounds by turkey day, but again: I’m only thinking about my physical health and getting healthy. Listen, I had swollen feet, a pounding heart, I was prone to migraines, and I was probably prediabetic, too, given diabetes runs in the family. I ain’t thinking about sexiness… whatever that is.
Are my sexual needs being met? (by me, by someone else)
I started my kinktober collection last night because no one else can get it right, but it’s really hard to say. I cringe at my desires, needs, whatever they’re fucking called, especially my belly kink. It’s the one kink that I go way back with and I would be lying if I said talking about it makes me feel so exposed and embarrassed. It’s like coming out, it’s not like a kid’s birthday party: it’s a huge deal.
Do I care about my sexual life?
The fact I keep coming back to this shows that I care about it *enough*. But I can’t say that I care about it so much that I’m losing sleep over the fact that no one is sleeping with me.
What is my comfort level with talking about sex and sexuality and communicating my needs?
Zero comfort. I’m so embarrassed and disgusted with myself.
How am I feeling about my body?
Hard to say. Listen, when I was pushing 270, I actually felt great (minus the swollen feet, of course). Losing weight now, and it’s fascinating how fast I’ve been losing weight (30 pounds in 2 months! I never would have dreamed that would happen).
What is my relationship like with my orgasms?
Nonexistent. I can’t remember the last time I masturbated because, again, there’s no point. I tried doing it again and I stopped because I couldn’t get into it. I don’t care. What is the point of developing an appetite when there is no need for it. There’s no point to developing a sexual appetite, plus I don’t care. I’m too much of a pussy and there are other things to worry about, too. They’re here and gone, too, like what the hell is this whole thing that all women should have these violent screamers after five seconds. Am I really not doing it right? Why should I try and make myself scream when it won’t happen. Why even bother.
What is my connection like with others?
Horrible. It’s been two weeks since the Testament cartoon and it’s still only at 3 likes on my page. Meanwhile, I see people celebrating kids’ birthdays, making massive recoveries, reaching huge milestones, what have you. Go to my page and it looks sad. Do you understand why I have no desire to be there anymore?
I have no faith in my art, either. I’ll just post the collections and be done with it, seeing as that’s all everyone wants from me.
When I think of sex, what comes to mind?
Nothing good or happy. What on earth am I supposed to say to this? I think of all the consequences of being sexually active and that’s all I think about, too. Oh, yeah, herpes and HIV and unwanted pregnancy, yeah, that’s really sexy.
Do I feel tapped into God (Source, Universe)?
lol
*bonus question: What fun am I having in my sexual life?
None. Ooh yeah, exposing yourself to horrific diseases like herpes and gonorrhea and warts, and putting your body and trust in another person when they can readily betray you at any given time for the dumbest and pettiest reasons, yeah, that’s totally fun *gunshot*
I’m terrified of what awaits me for kinktober. I just don’t measure up. The green druidess did a number on me as well as the Rockfic side of the fanfic world: in that brief period from when I came back online to the minute she showed up, it was a little more than a year, it was like Santa Cruz, it was this pre-pandemic/pre-Tiktok/pre-worst of what gen z has to offer era that was still fun and enjoyable. You write fic and go on tumblr because it was fun, not because you wanted to be the next E.L. James or Anna Todd.
And you could say whatever you wanted (barring you weren’t prejudiced against someone for who they were). People only blocked someone when they personally attacked them through asks or reblogs, not because they had an opinion they didn’t like. I looked at her fic account just now and she and temple haven’t updated in months: i remember the last time i pointed this out she updated something probably just to stick it to me, but i expect her to. People with control issues and a sense of entitlement are weak.
I’m bracing myself for this, but what is with women these days? The last couple of times I went grocery shopping, the women were… bitchy to say in the least. Walking around with their noses in the air, rude to their children, looking down at me all because of my pink pants and I’m fucking poor… The men meanwhile? Sweet. Polite. Approachable. Friendly even. It’s like my own gender has very quickly become the very thing they’re accusing men of being: rude, mean, liars, arrogant, bullies, abusers, manipulators, all with a side of victim complex because “we’re women, therefore victims and therefore deserving of special treatment”. There are exceptions, of course, but it’s like the mean, entitled girl is the thing to be now.
I see these new fic writers who are blatantly displaying their quote unquote “raunchy sides” and they’re getting fucking everything. “Ooh, look at me, I’m a sexual being and therefore entitled to special treatment” or the flip side: “ooh, look at me, I’m a minor and therefore entitled to special treatment”. Listen, when I was a minor, I had… some curiosity about sexuality but not a lot. But I never saw it as “harassment” or “abuse”, though: it was just this side of life that was incredibly taboo and inaccessible, like I felt bad just thinking about it . I couldn’t explore if I wanted to. Plus, I was more focused on learning things, building robots, making cartoons, and trying not to kill myself because my classmates and my dad’s side of the family were all assholes.
No fun. No hope. And no, I don’t deserve shit. Again, I’ll just do it and be done with it. I don’t give a shit if anyone else doesn’t.
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is there a fic or something you’ve written that YOU believe is your best work yet like the best piece you feel like you’ve ever written but it didn’t get as much attention as you anticipated? and is there a post that you didn’t try as much on but the amount of attention it got still shocks you ?? 😅😅
I don’t write fics but I know I get sooo mad when in school i have to write papers & the papers I don’t try very hard on & write in a few hours do WAYY better than the papers I take hours or even days writing 🙄🙄🙄. Just recently I got an A+ on my final report that I did an hour before it was due while another paper that I wrote for a different class & actually tried on (spent DAYYSSSS writing) I received a D- 😭.
Sorry for the little rant but I’m genuinely curious LOL
the amount of work and time i put into writing has ZERO impact on how 'well' it does lmao for sure. hello stranger is my first series and i have a document of thousands of words with tables all full of character building and planning and it's... so much work. the chapters get like 500 notes maybe compared to one shots which usually get between 1 to 4k. i don't actually mind though bc i get way more feedback on the series. like ppl put essays in their reblogs and send me messages and all that. i care more about that than the notes, especially because the majority of notes are likes.
i actually tend to find the things that don't get flooded with likes have more ppl who will message me personally and be really passionate about it. i wrote a fairy!au that didn't do as well as most of my other minho one shots but i had ppl making moodboards for it and edits and all of that. which again, i appreciate more than likes.
koala still has the most notes and its one of the first things i wrote so i KNOW the quality of the writing is worse. also when i posted it i was convinced ppl would hate it like i was ready to hit delete. after that did so well i've just been like no fear tbh like how i feel about something seems to say nothing abt how others will feel. i just post and vibe.
i really don't think there has been anything i've posted where i was disappointed in the amount of attention it got. maybe aftercare with minho ?? it's a drabble but it had a label put on it literally 2 minutes after i posted it so it got very little exposure. i really am just grateful in general like my writing gets a lot more eyes on it than i ever would have expected so i really feel like i have nothing to complain about. i do just wish more of the eyes were... active rather than ya know silent/passive.
lmao in school i literally did everything at the very last second. i had a very severe undiagnosed case of adhd and was really just coasting the entire time. i remember having to convince teachers id hand something in and then just keep stalling until they actually just gave up or forgot about it. then there was like ONE TIME for some reason i really clicked with the content, it was a maths assignment and it was satisfying to my brain, so i spent a week on it and ended up helping a bunch of my class with it at the public library on the weekend and i got the highest mark possible and then never did it again. no lessons learned just 'well thats nice moving on'. but in uni when i was forced to actually do the work the assignments where i started earlier and tried harder did meh and the ones i didn't at all did well. so yeah, i get it. D- on something you'd worked so hard on..... i'd lose it hfjdsk i remember once handing something in that i'd worked harder on than anything else in my entire uni life and i barely passed and i was like yeah never trying again. and i didn't. and everything was fine. what's the lesson?? idk trying is overrated just vibe gfhdjs
sorry for MY rant hjds
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(—) ★ spotted!! MICAH KENNEDY on the cover of this week’s most recent tabloid! many say that the 21 year old looks like HERO FIENNES TIFFIN, but i don’t really see it. while the RETIRED ATHLETE/REALITY TV STAR/PIANIST is known for being AMBITIOUS my inside sources say that they have a tendency to be ALOOF i swear, every time i think of them, i hear the song LOSING MY RELIGION by R.E.M { he/him, cismale}
that’s me in the corner
basics
Name: Micah Kennedy
Age: Twenty-One
DOB: April 1, 2002
Gender: Cismale
Sexuality: Pansexual
Occupation: Olympic Swimming Gold Medalist for 50m Freestyle - 2020 Olympic Games, Olympic Swimming Gold Medalist for 100m Freestyle - 2020 Olympic Games, Olympic Swimming Gold Medalist for 100m Butterfly - 2020 Olympic Games, Olympic Swimming Gold Medalist for 4x100m Medley - 2020 Olympic Games, Olympic Swimming Gold Medalist for 4x100m Freestyle - 2020 Olympic Games
Reality TV Star - Current, Pianist - Current
Parents: Jordana Kennedy, unknown father, Christian O’Malley (step-father)
Siblings: Maiya Kennedy (twin, 21), Wednesday Kennedy (5)
Swimming Career Claim: Caeleb Dressel (minus the Rio de Janeiro Games)
that’s me in the spotlight
biography
Growing up on camera would have thought to have made a bigger impact on Micah’s life than he let it. From a young age he was trained to have no qualms of the spotlight and made zero fuss when it came to his family’s hit reality tv show. To him, it was just another day at home.
At three years old, no one could keep him out of the ocean. His fascination with swimming and the water was unexplainable but it wasn’t long before he was enrolled in private swimming lessons.
At five years old he made the resolution to go to the Olympics and spent his entire life training to do so. It was amazing when he qualified for the 2020 Olympics at only 17 years old and even more of an accomplishment when he went on to win 5 gold medals, adding him to the list of only four other Americans to win that many in one Olympic Games. Also became the first male swimmer to win gold medals in the 50m freestyle, 100m freestyle and the 100m butterfly in the same games.
TW: Car Accident In July of this last year, Micah was out with his sister at a party. She had gotten a bit out of control and Micah jumped into the car with her to stop her from driving away. She did so anyways and ended up crashing it. Micah ended up having to have surgery on his knee, which got completely twisted around during the accident, and his shoulder suffered a tear in his rotator cuff. The doctors had identified that the shoulder problem had been ongoing for a while, just escalated from the accident, but thus confirmed that he would need years of physical therapy to be able to walk normally again and couldn’t clear him to compete in swimming any longer -- ending the career he spent his entire life working towards.
This pushed the already recluse of the Kennedy family further into a hole, finding it hard to get out of bed. The best therapy -- both physically and mentally -- was started and Micah tried to get back to his life as little as he could.
His therapist suggested picking up a hobby and piano seemed to be the only thing that stuck. Now all of his time is dedicated to mastering the skill and trying to grow from there.
Though he doesn’t state it, Micah is resentful of both his sister and being a Kennedy. He loves his family, truly and dearly, he doesn’t understand how she could put either of them into the situation and why this was the one thing that his family name couldn’t solve. He had tried to make a name on his own and it was thrown back into his face.
losing my religion
things to note
When he was younger, he was attached to Jordana’s hip. He’s a complete momma’s boy and would do anything for his mother -- including putting up with having a camera in his face at all times.
Definitely has mastered the art of looking as impassive as ever. He is a bit standoffish, which is a mask he puts up to deal with people who are using him for his family’s fame or simply because he doesn’t like you. Dealer’s choice, really.
Deathly afraid of koalas. Don’t make him go on a tangent about it.
He’d never admit it but he’s afraid to get in cars after the accident and is often seen being driven as little as possible before walking to ‘help out with his knee’
Right now always has a cane with him to assist him in walking but he’s hoping to be rid of it sooner rather than later.
Depressive boy, doesn’t know what to do with his life or fix it so he started hyper fixating on the next big thing in his life.
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TW: mentions of eating disorded behaviour and thoughts. If you don't want to see this content then please ignore it and/or block me. Look after yourself <3
Food log - 12/09/22
Goal - 777
Breakfast - 0
●Skipped
Lunch - 105
●Banana (105)
Dinner - 259
●Baby plum tomatoes (50)
●Moroccan couscous (197)
●Baby red leaf, spinach, rocket, mizuna(12)
Snacks - 253
●Salted caramel ice cream (100)
●Onken 0% fat strawberry yoghurt (125) and grapes (28)
Drinks - 2
●Dr Pepper zero (2)
Total - 619
Notes: I really struggled hitting my target today, and I definitely overestimated the calories in the ice cream, as I literally only had three bites, and probably overestimated the couscous too. Logically I know that what's most successful for me is to slowly reduce my calories over time so that I get used to it. This has worked for me before so I know its worth it. And I recognise that the reason I failed last time and binged real bad, and lost so much of my progress, was because I went too quickly. From 1000 calories straight to like 100 - 300. I've been working super hard the last couple of weeks on reducing my calories slowly from 1200 down to 800. But it's getting so difficult to not just go straight down to tiny amounts again. I feel like I ate so much today, even though I know that I didn't, it still feels like it. I managed to force myself to eat some yoghurt and grapes this evening. Even though I really didn't want to and I felt so bad the whole time I was eating it. I still feel disgusting tbh. I really can't give in to this urge to go so low because I really don't want to fail and binge again. I don't think I could cope if I failed. Everytime I look in the mirror I hate what I see and I just want to lose weight quicker, even though I know it's not logically possible.
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The end of an era, or so it feels. I'm not sure what's happened or what's happening, what changed, why I feel the way I do, but something is different in my head. I don't feel like things are clicking the way they normally do. Nothing has grossly changed, but some little things are different. I feel like football doesn't hit the same way internally as before, like it's more distant. It feels like medicine has taken some of that real estate. It's interesting because love is basically boundless for me, and I thought my anchoring energy worked similarly where I could develop new anchors while maintaining the same significance.
That's the thing though, significances feel like they changed. Now, people are super significant. I'm wondering if people have maybe replaced or displaced football. Maybe my anchors are zero-sum. Is that good or bad? Who knows. I almost flipped the switch playing today and then I just didn't. Maybe subconsciously knowing the situation, I saved it. I don't know. It was weird though. I had the emotions but I processed them and they went away more than they stayed. Maybe I have better emotional processing... Or less emotions, at least related to football.
Because I still haven't released my other emotions from earlier in February. Basically I'm somewhere over 100% of my emotional capacity with an artificially inflated emotional threshold because I still need to cry, just haven't done it yet. That need to cry has been more come and go than expected, but we'll see how this next week goes.
I would like to say weekend but I'm not sure what type of weekend it will be, though I know there's one type it won't be. It won't be a culmination of friendship, it'll be a bitter reminder of how to pay more attention to communication.
I had the greatest presence of anyone I've ever met, and all signs and indications say I blew it. I said too much and that was that. Did I deserve it? I don't know what I deserve. Is it on-brand for my life? Yes, though I think this is the first time I've blown it given my breakup was mutual.
I told her I didn't deserve her, and I guess I was right. I wanted to be a great friend, I just wanted to be a positive. I had a very simple job, and I didn't do it. I guess not doing my job today is a nice summary of not doing my job in this situation. I started well and finished horribly. And now I don't know. I don't know what the emotions are towards me in either situation, but I know I failed. The pain of failing Sam hasn't really hit yet, I don't know when it will, maybe once I know she's gone. The sadness hit me already, but that's all muddied by the feelings of failure.
I feel like I've failed so much recently, and it's crazy because my school progress makes it appear that everything is moving forward well but the truth is, I haven't been doing things well. It's similar to the feelings at the end of 2023, except I had gotten so many gaps addressed to start the year that it felt like I could ride high into my new phase of life. Instead, I'm just walking, walking with the weight of my failure. At least I've been able to hold my head up this week. But I stopped riding high 2 weeks ago. I got checked and I was humbled. I don't really know if I can even apologize properly for what happened, or if it even matters. I guess it's just another part of my heart permanently reserved for someone who may never update that reservation again. Unfortunately, this is the first time but it would be great if it was the last, because losing people on my heart is painful. It's not a quick pain, it's a slow burn that is really hard to put out because you give them so much time as a cushion. I guess one day, she could write back, but I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't. It's her right and I'm just a guy she met less than 7 weeks ago.
That was a lot and I could do more self-criticism but I think the point is clear. The thing that could be replacing/displacing football is about to change my life. 2 weeks of waiting isn't anxiety-inducing to me, but it does feel like a waste of 2 weeks. At least SOAP could be next week but I digress. The next time I'm taking care of kids, I'll be their actual doctor I guess. The idea of doctor, or any position for me, has never been daunting really. I know what I'm there to do and I'll do it to the best of my ability. I got to schedule for a non-Sabbath graduation both for Dad and for me. I just like clean Sabbaths tbh. Will not walking with people suck? A bit. Is it worth the awkwardness? Not really to me. I know my brain and Dad won't be there on a Saturday afternoon. People will show up though, I assume. I do have to be careful with assuming though, that can get you into trouble.
With Sam at least, it wasn't anything like assumptions really. It was just faith in her. Faith that she would just accept my heart offered raw. It was too much though.
Back to graduation. Idk how I'm inviting people but I just hope that special people can be there. Part of me wonders how big that list will get, cause my heart only grows with that list it seems. I just want to get on to the next part of life though. I've been here just kinda passing time and I want to change lives now.
Romantically, idk man. I can be liked hypothetically. Will some girl actually like me? Feels like a hard sell. Idk, I feel like with relationships, people tell more dreams than reality. Maybe there's someone but it feels more like kind words than something to really believe.
My eyes are tired so I'm stop, but who knows? There could be part 2
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Everyone at locals had one brain cell today because we all entered with Fun Decks this week. I'd gone in with D-MLB, went 2-1, and that's a "wish list" item checked off for me in Vanguard - enter a tournament with Blasters, optionally doing well (and by doing well I mostly mean going positive on W/L).
Tucking the rest behind a cut because I'm just gonna take a hot second to ramble about Majesty Lord Blaster (and Blasters as a whole) like I'm just (channeling my inner) Aichi.
Games themselves were pretty standard, the one game I lost was vs Viamance Bruce - not much I could've done there, just didn't have the shield power to go up against all that power gain for Final Rush/Burst on top of the multi-attack, plus my opponent flipped OT on the drive check on the last turn so I just outright didn't have the PGs for it. But I'm not even salty about it at all - I got to play D-MLB in a tournament, had it pop off, got 2 other wins.
Shout out to Emmeline and Cordiela for being an absolute terror in the back row during all 3 games (especially during my 2 wins vs Herminia and Solrairon) - letting G2s boost and then having a G2 that just gains power every time a Blaster swings (AKA whenever you attack in D-MLB lol) is just chef's kiss. Even if I don't hit triggers off the triple drive it's just like "Wait since when did Blasters get 30k/40k+ columns I thought the entire deck is just a Nostalgia Bait 3-attack Deck that hit like a Wet Noodle". Also Cordiela being a shout out to that one shot in the OG S1 finale with (ghostly) Blaster Blade and Blaster Dark standing next to MLB is just icing on the "Omg MLB has a 4th attack now!" cake.
It's really hard for me to overstate how much I actually just enjoy playing Blasters in all flavors (Premium MLB, V-MLB, D-MLB, Premium Exceed). Even if I lose, the sheer consistency in the deck means I always get at least part of (if not all of) the combo off and it's just so satisfying to know "I built my deck well and it's working like it should". And with the Premium versions I'm just giddy with all the deck search (and deck thin by extension). Like this deck is just fun. Plus there's just the whole "Blasters have been with me since Day 1 of my Vanguard journey starting with Zero and I've been learning with them ever since" angle.
And yeah the guys at locals also know I'm basically a Blaster main ... and to fear this deck because when the stars align I have Protagonist Tier Luck with this deck. Like to the tune of "Check OT multiple games in a row during key moments", "Eats Crit At 5, Checks OT/heal And Lives, draws Persona at start of next turn", "Massively Sacks with Crit(s)/Heal(s)" ... the list goes on. Probably also helps I always bring my G-era Aichi playmat with me to locals lol.
#anzu's vanguard tcg adventures#having aichi somewhere on my playmat is just a Constant Reminder to me#to not salt over drive checks and just enjoy myself and Have Fun#and if I lose it's okay because he didn't win all of his matches until he Got Good too#and a reminder that if all else fails pull out the cards and i can make new friends that way
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(CW: anorexia/disordered eating, medication abuse, depression, death ideation)
I spent last week in Texas on vacation with my parents and sister (yeah, during the record-breaking heat wave). It was nice: eating twice a day, having dessert, eating out, trying pastries. Walking tons and wearing huge T-shirts and men's gym shorts every day, so I didn't have to feel too guilty.
Then I came home and was instantly convinced I'd gained an impossible amount of weight.
On top of that, I've recently realized that the coughing fits that have been getting progressively worse and steadily ruining my stupid life for the past 6+ weeks, finally culminating in me waking myself and my family up 4–5x per night to cough during our vacation...are an asthma flare-up, and one best treated by the five days of Prednisone my doctor prescribed me when I got really sick a few months ago.
(Which I never touched, because apparently, corticosteroids can cause weight gain through appetite increase and insulin suppression. Terrifying.)
Yesterday, after days of acute consternation, I finally succumbed and started the damn Prednisone. Like magic, almost immediately after my very first dose, my cough improved tenfold. Crazy how the medicine your doctor prescribes you actually works sometimes!
So.
The vacation. The steroid. The body dysmorphia.
Well, I've never once had trouble with my asthma until I got sick earlier this year, so I only use my rescue inhaler once in a blue moon. I've got years' worth of old albuterol lying around my room. Not like that shit expires and loses effectiveness after a year or anything.
Decided to kill three birds (the asthma, the albuterol surplus, and the so-called weight gain) with one stone. Decided to eat nothing for two days and abuse stimulants all the while.
Decided that if I did this, I could enjoy my family's annual Fourth of July BBQ (the first one my partner, posing as my "bestie" for my homophobic father, could attend!). I'd have fun and dress cute and talk to people and eat barbeque and desserts, and I wouldn't feel guilty at all, because I'd have budgeted for it.
Having been too scared to consume more than an anxious grazing session in the pantry on Sunday, I skipped food on Monday. Oh, god, I think I slammed at least half an old inhaler that day. Got so comically sick, so ridiculously dizzy and jittery, I started laughing at my trembling reflection in the bathroom mirror. Jesus, I don't puff this much albuterol in an entire year.
Despite the melatonin I took, my usual killer insomnia struck again last night (I'm sure the steroid and albuterol didn't help). I was up all night and only fell asleep long after the sun had risen, nauseous with exhaustion and aching with hunger.
Slept four hours. Woke up midday. Took my damn Prednisone.
Started tossing back albuterol and Benzedrex like there was no tomorrow. Slonked nearly half a gram of caffeine via zero-calorie drink drops.
All on an empty stomach, alone in my room.
Already I'd fasted more than the 48 hours planned. My heart rate skyrocketed from its usual 60–80 bpm to 125 bpm. I was fucking wired, jittery, anxious and nauseous and sweaty, shaking like an old lady's purse dog. My joints hurt. My dizzy head was pounding. A sort of awful feverish heat radiated from my poor quivery flesh.
It occurred to me that I felt exactly like I had that time I snorted [redacted]. Never thought my shitty, slapdash little stim stack could hit me this hard. I felt so sick I thought I'd puke or pass out or both.
All I could do was chant, "I'm going to die. I'm going to die" under my breath, then suck down another musty, powdery hit of expired albuterol.
But hey. I could see the weight I'd lost in those 48+ hours of hell.
What does it matter if I never came down for the party, never had a burger hot off the grill, never talked to anyone, just got progressively wired in my bedroom until my hand shook so bad I fucked up my lipstick?
Eventually my partner arrived and held my sweating, trembling wreck of a body, making nervous note of my tachycardia and hyperventilation as I repeated, over and over, "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die."
When I felt a little better, we went to root through the leftovers, and I proceeded to low-/medium-restrict on a mini kids' Clif bar, three slices of watermelon, two spoonfuls of pasta salad, and, for some fucking reason, a glazed doughnut. Panicking all the while.
And yeah, sure, I ruined my day, but what's new? I'm ruining my pathetic excuse for an existence too. All in pursuit of, what, becoming more underweight than I already am? Destroying my body more than I already have?
For a spoiled, privileged, rich little white girl without a responsibility under the sun, my life sure feels like a goddamn living nightmare.
I'm so upset.
I'm so sad.
I'm so angry.
I'm angry at the world, because what the fuck did I do to deserve chronic anorexia? I of course believe that I'm a nasty little bitch who deserves the worst of all things, but god, even I don't deserve this. No one deserves this. Anorexia is cruel and unusual punishment for the crime of possessing a tangible form. I'm only 22, and I've dealt with this bullshit for, what, seven years now?
I'm so sad. I'm so sad. I'm so cripplingly, earth-shatteringly sad.
I fasted and slammed stimulants for more than two days so I could enjoy a once-a-year party with my family and our friends (the cringe of American nationalism notwithstanding), only to starve and panic and isolate myself anyway. Now I'm hungry and sick to my stomach, parachuting kratom like it'll fix things. Like eating toilet paper and fake opiates will nourish me. What was it all for? What the fuck is any of this for?
It's not worth it. None of this is worth it. I'm miserable, spiraling. I can't work. I can't function. I'm out of control. It's not my rock bottom by a long shot—hell, I haven't even gotten my lowest weight back—but it sure feels like it. This is hell.
I just want to eat. I want to eat. I want to eat. I want desperately to eat. Please, god, let me eat. If I can't eat, let this vile disease kill me already. I want to eat. I'm so unwell. I want to eat. I'm so, so sick. I want to eat. I want to eat.
Please.
Please.
God. God. God. God. God. God. God.
#personal#anorexia#anorexia tw#anorexia cw#tw anorexia#cw anorexia#eating disorder#eating disorder tw#eating disorder cw#tw eating disorder#cw eating disorder#ed tw#ed cw#tw ed#cw ed#disordered eating#disordered eating tw#disordered eating cw#tw disordered eating#cw disordered eating#drugs#drugs tw#drugs cw#tw drugs#cw drugs#drug tw#drug cw#depression#mental illness#vent
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prompt list, angst #1: “I love you! Is that what you wanted to hear?”
(this is for an anon and @soulofacircus who both requested this #)
The Kansas City crowd is brutal. Deborah’s set is full of awkward silences and forced laughter from those simply not equipped to handle so much secondhand embarrassment. The bit about DJ’s third overdose that Ava helped Deborah rework late after last night’s show in St. Louis bombs so hard that a boomer couple gets up from the front row and walks out without paying their bill. This unfortunate series of events then does what Deborah said weeks ago back in Las Vegas that no one could ever do: they mess her up. At one point towards the end of the set, Deborah actually freezes up there for a few seconds, going somewhere else entirely. Ava watches her eyes lose focus somewhere in the middle distance, and Ava’s only thought is that she wishes Deborah would look at her instead.
Deborah ends up closing the set and walking offstage to polite applause without even bothering with her final three jokes.
The green room is nothing but a worn orange velour couch, the floor length mirror Deborah made Ava lug in from the tour bus earlier that evening, and a minifridge full of Pepsi Zero. Deborah already has her purse slung over her shoulder and refuses to make eye contact.
“Listen, that was–”
“Let’s just get to the bus,” Deborah interrupts, her voice tight but authoritative. “I need to get the fuck out of here and put this middle America’s asshole of a city and it’s cretins behind me.”
Ava grabs the mirror without further comment, tucking it under her arm and following Deborah out the back door.
Weed has them on the open highway in less than four minutes, every one of which Deborah spends mixing a round of martinis. It was just the four of them again with the driver, now that Damien had flown back to Vegas to prepare for their upcoming trip back next week: it was Luna’s birthday and Deborah insisted they couldn’t possibly miss it.
Ava decides for once not to push and to give Deborah a few minutes of space, kicking off her boots and slipping into the tiny bathroom to change into sweatpants.
She finds Deborah at the table looking down at her hands, which are folded delicately around the base of her martini glass. Ava slips onto the bench on the opposite side of the table where there’s another martini waiting, glass frosted and dressed with a single speared green olive.
Ava takes a sip of the cocktail and waits for Deborah to make the first move, content to study the delicate lines of Deborah’s face while she’s not looking, the ones the Botox touch-ups just don’t quite fill that are worn into her skin from a lifetime of laughter.
“This is exhausting,” Deborah says, finally looking up fully at Ava. She maintains eye contact as she lifts the martini glass to her still painted lips and takes a long swallow, and all Ava can think is how quickly she can make Deborah laugh again.
“Aren’t you tired of this?” Deborah asks, before Ava can make a really corny joke about Kansas City having a regional barbeque inferiority complex.
“Of showers on this tour bus? Uh, yeah, dude. You never leave me any hot water.”
The left corner of Deborah’s lips twitch with the tiniest wry smile and Ava counts that in the win column.
“Of giving me pep talks. You can save it tonight, by the way,” Deborah adds before Ava can even try, lifting her glass and taking another long drag.
“Okay. But I’m not going to stop believing in you. I can’t turn it off either. And nothing matters more. Even if it should.”
It’s hit home, Ava can tell. Deborah breaks eye contact, the moment too intimate, and steels her face to cry without moving her eyebrows.
“You should just quit once we get on the gay cruise and live as you were meant to amongst your own kind. Wild horses, and all that.”
“I don’t know what that means. But speaking of horses, we still need to watch ‘Desert Hearts.’”
“Ava–”
“D, you promised!”
Deborah takes the olive from her drink into her mouth and throws the toothpick at Ava, hitting her in the forehead. “Can you be serious for once?”
“Definitely not.”
“Why are you still doing this?”
Ava doesn’t even bother to answer at first, just looks knowingly at Deborah and takes a drink. It’s a look in which she knows hides absolutely none of the very real love she now holds for her boss. “You know why.”
“Well it can’t possibly because you love sleeping over a tanning bed.”
“It’s Weed’s weed. I get it now, Pete Wentz.”
“You’re impossible. You know that? Answer my question: why are you still here? You’re certainly not helping me tell any fucking funny jokes. If I wanted a useless Zillennial or whatever the fuck you’re calling yourself this moon cycle, I would’ve–”
“I’m going to stop you right there,” Ava interrupts, because Deborah’s starting to get mean now and Ava’s just not feeling up to being the punching bag. Not tonight. “I’m fucking tired of this.”
“Yeah, well, me too.”
“No, not this,” Ava says, voice rising as she gestures generally around the bus. “I’m tired of this,” she says, instead pointing back and forth between them. “Of you picking fights when I try to be real with you. Of you still running, when I thought we were done with that.”
Since Deborah can’t insult her, she simply purses her lips and says nothing at all. Ava thinks, fuck it. She chugs the rest of her martini and holy shit that’s a lot of vodka, then smacks the glass down as hard as she possibly can without shattering it.
“It’s because I love you. Is that what you wanted to hear? I am in love with you and I believe in you and I think you’re the funniest fucking woman this world has ever seen, sorry, Lucille. And I know you’re going to call me a moron and say it’s a silly crush or whatever other watered down bullshit that you tell yourself to hide yourself away, but I see you, Deborah. You can keep me at arms length or push me away with both hands and that’s okay, if that’s what you really want.”
Ava pauses, chewing at the inside of her cheek and staring across the cramped table at Deborah. When she still says nothing, Ava gives up, sliding out from the booth. As she moves to pass by Deborah on the way towards her bunk at the back of the bus, she pauses and leans into Deborah’s space, her lips just a breath from the shell of Deborah’s ear. “But for the record, I don’t think that’s what you really want.”
Deborah pulls in a sharp breath and for once, Ava has the last word.
#hacks#prompts with friends#i was like oh yeah sure i can knock out a bit of dialogue in like an hour sure#almost four hours later and squinting blearily at the blue light of the laptop screen#me @ myself nice try babe#ava x deborah#and theres an easter egg in there for you riss smooches#i wanted to answer this in the anons ask but apparently theres now a character limit and no option to do a 'keep reading' fuck u tumblr
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Baby Talk - Part II
Pairing: Jikook X Reader (Jimin X Reader X Jungkook)
Genre: Surrogacy!AU, Polyamorous!AU, Romance. (Future Smut)
Warnings: Profanity, medical procedures, pining (Like a stupid amount but what can ya do), Joon and Jin get protective, mentions of pregnancy symptoms. (If I forgot anything please let me know!)
Words: 10.5k (I guess I'm committing to long chapters lol)
You’d hit the four week mark, and not much had happened yet.
Despite you feeling like your hormones were on a swing.
Jimin was bewildered when he came into the bathroom to find you crying on the floor. Trying to comfort you went downhill quickly because soon you were mad that he was joking around. Then you were crying again, apologizing for being so harsh.
Up and down and up and down.
But they never got mad at you. Never yelled at you and never ignored you. But you forced your emotions down deep into your heart. A place that would be locked and the key thrown away. Because you knew what was happening, and it simply couldn’t happen.
It was late and you could feel your stomach begging for something to eat. You’d gotten really hungry lately, no doubt your body trying to accommodate for the new life you were growing inside of you.
So, you hurried to the kitchen under the guise of night and made some rice and a little bit of stir fry. You put together everything, making sure not to make too much, and started cooking.
It was around three in the morning when you sat down at the table and ate your food, looking through your phone with a bored expression. Nothing interesting on social media and YouTube videos were only entertaining for so long. So, you ate your food and cleaned up before starting to head back towards your room.
Then, a large flash went off in the sky, causing you to jolt and look out into the city. Rain was pelting against the window, sounding sharp to your ears. It was a little intimidating.
Then the loud crash of thunder rang through the house.
You yelped at the noise, covering your ears in fear. You’d never particularly liked thunderstorms, but this one was coming in hot and aggressive. You pulled your hands away from your ears, just trying to focus on getting back to your room when another flash lit up the room. Your heart was hammering in your chest and you started to sweat.
Before you could think too much about it you were knocking on Jungkook and Jimin’s door. Another crash of thunder roared through the house and you swear you felt the floor shake. You whimpered in fear and fidgeted with the hem of your shirt. Did they hear you? Or was the storm too loud? Should you go in? What if they weren’t decent?
Jimin had said you could go in if something was wrong...
But did being scared of a thunderstorm count?
FLASH.
BANG.
You couldn’t take it anymore and you burst through the door with tears in your eyes. Fear causing you to shake violently.
Jimin and Jungkook both bolted up in bed at the sound of the door slamming open, and were out of bed instantly at the sight of you shaking on the floor.
“Y/N? What’s going on? Are you alright? Are you hurt?” Jungkook’s worried voice echoed in your ear.
“She’s trembling,” Jimin said, rubbing your back.
“I-I I’m sc-”
FLASH.
BANG.
You cried and flung your arms around Jungkook’s neck, burying your face in his chest, tears streaming down your face as you shook violently. Jungkook looked at Jimin in shock and a little bit of his own fear, but Jimin just took his hand and placed it on your head.
‘Comfort her,’ Jimin mouthed.
Jungkook nodded before rubbing your hip soothingly.
“What’s wrong Y/N? Is it the storm?” He asked, bringing his other hand to your shoulder.
“Y-Yes,” you whimpered, keeping your face buried in Jungkook’s neck.
“It’s alright, Jimin and I got you. You’ll be safe,” Jungkook promised.
Jimin rubbed soothing circles onto your back as the two of them tried to ease your frantic heart. Both of them knowing it can’t be good for the baby. But, also, on you. The stress of carrying a baby was already a lot, the fear of this thunderstorm wasn’t a good addition.
Soon, you had cried yourself to sleep.
Jimin took you in his arms, picking you up and Jungkook followed after him as they headed for your room.
The couple laid you down in bed, brushing your face tenderly. Jungkook watched as Jimin covered you up, bringing the sheets right up under your chin. He smiled at the soft pout on your lips, he wondered if the baby would have your cute pout.
Jimin, moved your hair away from your eyes, tucking it behind your ear gently. When he was certain you were settled he took Jungkook’s hand and headed back to their bedroom.
“God, that scared the fuck out of me,” Jungkook said, sitting down on the side of the bed.
“Me too,” Jimin agreed, rubbing his face in exhaustion.
“Didn’t know she was that scared of storms, makes me want to beat up the sky for scaring her like that,” Jungkook said, frowning.
Jimin laughed lightly, but kissed his boyfriend lovingly. “I know you would if you could, or at the very least, sue it,” he snorted.
“Ooh, yeah, that could work,” Jungkook said.
“I’d never seen her like that, so vulnerable. She always puts up such a tough exterior,” Jimin said, biting his lip.
“Yeah, maybe it shows that she’s starting to trust us. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to live with two people who are kinda strangers to her,” Jungkook said, feeling awkward.
“Well, maybe we can fix that,” Jimin reasoned.
“What do you have in mind my stunningly attractive boyfriend?” Jungkook asked, leaning forward.
“Mmm, let’s take her shopping. Spoil her a bit, you’ve got more zeros in your bank account than I can count on all of my fingers. She’s gonna need maternity clothes anyways. Imagine her all dressed in Gucci and Prada while walking around pregnant with our baby,” Jimin said, appearing to be day dreaming himself.
“That would be... nice... To spoil her, show her we care about her well being and everything,” Jungkook nodded in agreement.
“Let’s do it,” Jimin said, gripping Jungkook’s hands.
“Okay, yeah!”
Unfortunately for the couple, you appeared to be hating every second of this shopping excursion.
“Y/N! Come on,” Jungkook said, walking with Jimin’s hand interlocked with his.
“Coming, coming,” you sighed, following after them.
“Y/N? Are you alright? Do you need a break?” Jimin asked, stopping to take a look at you.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just, sleepy,” you grumbled.
The boys had effectively cut off your caffeine intake as of late, and it was showing. You were more exhausted than ever, just wanting to sleep the day away, but the two men wanting to hear nothing of it today. Normally they would’ve just let you sleep, but, today was a different story.
Jimin bit his lip and looked at Jungkook with concern.
You didn’t seem to be having fun at all.
What was the point in spoiling you if you were just gonna wind up pissed off at the end of it? But maybe you just hadn’t found something you wanted yet. Jimin didn’t want to lose faith so early on, but you really were in a grumpy mood today.
Jungkook pointed out several different kinds of stores, suggesting different ones and you merely told them that whatever they wanted was fine. Feeling defeated already, Jimin told Jungkook to pick a store and maybe you’d find something you wanted in there.
Soon, you were in some high end designer store, looking around with a bored expression on your face. Most girls loved when you spoiled them, wanting nothing more than to have free reign with a credit card and a whole shopping mall. But you looked so fragile and out of place in this big store.
Jungkook looked around and found some things he wanted, Jimin too, but you were still sitting on the bench, head in your hand and looking tired.
The couple looked at each other, wondering what in the world they could do to make you smile. All they wanted to do was spoil you, make you feel better...
“Are you two with the young lady over there,” the store attendant asked, pointing at you with genuine curiosity.
“Ah, yes, she’s with us,” Jimin confirmed.
“I take it she’s not really into the whole shopping experience,” the attendant said, and the couple nodded sadly.
“We just wanted to spoil her, take her out and get her stuff she wanted. But it looks like she’d rather die than be here right now,” Jungkook said, frowning.
“Well, what are some things that she likes?” The shop attendant asked.
“Books,” both of them said quickly.
The attendant laughed at them softly, nodding.
“My wife is a fan of books too, sometimes I wonder if she likes them more than me. But, you said you want to spoil her right? Tell her that, explain what you’re doing, sometimes that helps,” he offered.
Jimin nodded, looking over at your sleepy figure in the corner of the store.
“It’s worth a shot,” he said.
The pair thanked the shop attendant for his time and headed towards you.
You looked up and tried to give the couple a smile, but it looked awkward and forced, making them frown even more. Jungkook sat down next to you, and Jimin kneeled in front of you.
“Y/N, do you know why we forced you out of your blankety cocoon today?” Jimin asked, looking at you with curiosity.
“You said you wanted to take me shopping,” you said, gazing back at him.
“Exactly, we wanted to take you shopping. Not just shop for ourselves and drag you around. We want to spoil you, give you whatever you want. All you have to do is ask and you can have it, Y/N, money isn’t an issue here,” Jimin said.
Biting your lip you felt yourself get uncomfortable. “I-I don’t really like being spoiled, you know? I um... It makes me feel weird,” you said, rubbing your neck.
“The last thing we wanted to do was make you upset,” Jungkook said, biting his lip.
“No I’m not upset I just feel awkward,” you explained.
“Oh, there’s no need to feel awkward Y/N, it’s just us,” Jimin reassured.
“People keep staring at us, like I’m some lame friend third wheeling on a date,” you sighed, rubbing your face.
Jimin and Jungkook both swallowed hard.
They hadn’t realized people were staring. But it would make sense, Jimin and Jungkook were known in the city and suddenly a girl is walking around with them? That did seem a bit odd. They were also regulars in this mall and no doubt the staff were looking too.
God, they had messed this whole day up.
“Oh Y/N, we’re sorry,” Jungkook said, pressing his hands to his face.
“Sorry? Sorry for what?” You asked, turning to look at him with confusion.
“Not including you,” Jimin explained.
“There’s no need to include me-” you started when Jungkook cut you off quickly.
“Yes there is, you’re carrying our baby, we want you to feel comfortable and safe. Not ignored and shut out, that’s not fair to you,” he said, brushing his hair away from his face.
“Yeah, we want you to have whatever you want. As long as it isn’t unhealthy for you or the baby,” Jimin said.
“This isn’t about flexing or whatever on other people, this is about you. And what you want,” Jungkook said.
“Well,” you said, worrying your lip with your teeth.
“Yes?” Jimin said, leaning forward.
“It’s, well, I guess some new clothes wouldn’t be bad. I’ll need maternity stuff,” you told them.
“Yes! Absolutely! We can do that!” Jimin said, standing up and pulling you with him.
However, it was a little too fast for you, causing your head to spin. Jungkook was steadying you with his warm palms on your waist, Jimin keeping you upright with his hands around your wrists.
“Sorry Y/N! I-I wasn’t thinking and I got so excited, sorry,” Jimin frowned at himself.
“It’s alright,” you said, not wanting him to be upset over something that didn’t really matter.
“I need to be more gentle with you, you’re carrying our baby for Christ sakes,” Jimin huffed.
You nodded, noticing the stern look on Jimin’s face. Licking your dry lips, you looked down at your feet. You were only a month along so you couldn’t really see anything yet. But knowing there was a life inside of you made you feel a little flutter in your chest every time you thought about it.
However, you needed to get that under control.
This wasn’t your baby.
And that’s just how it was going to be.
Jimin and Jungkook had managed to drag you into a designer store for mothers apparently, because everything in here looked like it was worth a fortune. How were you supposed to pick something and wear it when you were afraid it was gonna get dirty? For fucksake you were almost certain they would be ruined by the end of this pregnancy.
“Ooh! Y/N, pink is your color,” Jimin smiled, holding up a rose colored blouse at you.
Looking down you saw small daisies printed on the shirt as well. It was cute, you had to give him that. You agreed to try it on, but only if he promised not to show you the price tag. Jimin nodded quickly.
Jungkook came around the corner, carrying a couple different articles of clothing. Mainly dresses, as they would be a comfortable and easy choice. But there were some skirts and blouses in his arms too. After finding the ones you liked the three of you were sent to the dressing rooms.
Jimin and Jungkook waited outside on the bench, demanding a fashion show from you. You rolled your eyes, but didn’t say no before you headed in and tried on a couple of outfits.
You walked out and did a little spin every time, Jungkook and Jimin giving their opinions. Which were always small claps with whistles accompanying them.
Then you walked out in a shorter green sundress that you had managed to grab on the shelf without looking at the tag, thank God. It was green with splashes of turquoise and white that made your eyes pop beautifully. There was a cutout at the top that showed a little bit of cleavage but it wasn’t an insane amount. Nothing you thought anything of anyways.
It came to your knees, and it was generous with the room in it. No doubt when you were showing it would come up to your mid thigh. Fluffing your hair you walked out and smiled at the boys. Jungkook’s eyes trailed down your body. This was the first non maxi dress you’d tried on, even the skirts had been considerably modest. So, they were getting the first glimpse at your skin.
Jimin was stunned.
You were absolutely gorgeous. A vision.
Legs looking gorgeous and long, skirt fluttering around your knees but Jimin couldn’t help imagine you when you were showing a little more. Would it ride up higher? Clearing his throat he smiles at you.
“It looks really good, Y/N, I didn’t pick this one. Did you Kook?” Jimin said, turning to his boyfriend, who seemed to still be in a stupor.
“Jungkook?” You said, looking at the doe eyed man with a little bit of worry pinching your features.
“Yes? No, it-you look amazing Y/N, did you pick this out?” He asked you.
“I did, yeah,” you answered.
“Little sneak, do you really want to stop our hearts?” Jimin teased.
Blushing you brushed your hair behind your ear and stared at your shoes. Jungkook looked at you with so much longing it made Jimin’s heart stammer. Not out of jealousy, but something else. Jimin shook the thought from his head.
Soon you were all settled back in the car, several shopping bags in the back. Jimin and Jungkook had requested a driver today, wanting to just enjoy the experience. So, the driver dutifully drove while the three of you sat in the back.
You looked out the window and watched scenery pass you by. Jimin and Jungkook looked at you, each with a similar look on their face and similar feelings in their chest. But neither of them were brave enough to admit it to themselves. Not when they almost had everything they’ve ever wanted, or what they thought they wanted...
Getting out of the car, Jimin asked the driver to have the bags delivered up to their apartment. The driver nodded before disappearing.
The three of you made your way up to the apartment, but not before Jimin and Jungkook spilled that they had a surprise for you. Looking at them with a menacing glare, Jungkook broke first as you three made it into the entryway of the apartment.
“It’s nothing crazy, just... We didn’t want you feeling like the third wheel or, you know, not a part of this. You are just as important to us as the baby you are carrying, and while you’re with us we want you happy and... so we got you this,” Jungkook said, holding out the signature blue box that made your stomach churn with how much it must’ve cost.
“Please, don’t ask how much it cost. It doesn’t matter as long as it makes you happy,” Jimin whispered.
Slowly, you opened the box and a beautiful moon pendant sparkling in diamonds and white gold stared at you. You damn near dropped the thing because of how gorgeous it was. Jungkook and Jimin froze on the spot when they saw tears starting to fall down your face.
“Do you not like it?” Jimin asked.
“Is it too much? Did we go overboard?” Jungkook worried.
“N-No, it’s beautiful,” you said, touching the pendant with a delicate finger.
“Do you want to put it on?” Jungkook asked, hoping to God that you didn’t throw this pendant back in their faces.
“Yes, please,” you said, handing Jungkook the back and brushing your hair out of the way so he had access.
Slowly, you watched as the beautiful moon swung just above your cleavage, kissing your chest lightly. It was fastened behind your neck and you turned around, looking at the two men with a bright smile on your face.
Then, they held up their wrists.
A sun and a star.
You looked and saw it was all a matching set.
“You guys, you really,” you said, smiling softly.
“Honestly, Y/N, you’re our equal in this. You aren’t just a womb we’re renting,” Jimin said. “You’re a person, with wants and feelings and we want you to feel that. More than anything, we want you happy and safe.”
“We’re so thrilled you chose us, seriously. If there’s anything you want, anything you need, name it, we’ll get it for you. Scouts honor,” Jungkook said, holding up his hand.
Feeling an overwhelming sense of emotion, more tears ran down your cheeks, making you sniffle and wipe at them with irritation. You didn’t want to cry right now, you were happy! Now, you just looked like a snotty red mess.
“Aw, don’t cry Y/N!” Jungkook said, coming forward to wipe your tears.
“God you guys are such turds, making me cry all the time,” you sniffled.
“It’s not our fault!” Jimin said.
“It is very much your fault,” you said, holding your stomach gently.
A rush of air left the two of them at you doing something so maternal. It made Jungkook’s blood burst into flames, and Jimin had to swallow a moan at the knowledge of you being pregnant with his baby. You cocked your head to the side and looked at the two silent men.
“Okay, well... Thanks for today you two... I’m glad I got to be spoiled a little bit. I’m gonna go take a shower, are we ordering out for dinner tonight?” You asked. They were still silent and you wondered what the fuck broke them when Jimin blinked rapidly a few times before clearing his throat.
“Y-You’re welcome, if you want to go again just tell us and we can,” he said, fighting to keep his calm exterior.
“Okay, I’m gonna go take a shower then,” you said again, taking off towards the stairs.
Jungkook damn near collapsed on the floor when you were finally gone.
“Jesus,” he said, panting hard.
“Do you, do you feel it too?” Jimin asked, gazing at the area where you had been standing.
“Yeah,” Jungkook croaked.
“Fuck what’s wrong with us? She’s here for us to care for her, to nurture her, not use her like some object,” Jimin said, running his hands through his hair in frustration.
Jungkook rubbed his shoulders, trying to soothe his boyfriend’s frantic thoughts. He agreed. You weren’t someone for them to use and abuse... You were the mother of their child and you deserved to be respected. But God if the thought of you didn’t send their minds spiraling.
“I know... We just gotta tough it out I guess. What else can we do?” Jungkook reasoned.
“I don’t know Kook, I don’t know,” Jimin said, gripping his boyfriend’s hand tightly.
—
The six week mark came and so did the morning sickness. To start, it was just waves of nausea, but soon it turned into full blown vomiting.
It was around seven in the morning and you had barely slept a wink. You felt jittery and restless, unable to relax. But when you sat up to head to the kitchen for something to eat, your stomach flipped. Soon, you were in the bathroom getting sick in the toilet.
Shortly you heard a knocking at the door.
“Y/N? Sweetie are you alright?” Jimin’s worried voice echoed through the door.
“Yeah,” you wheezed, trying to keep yourself from hurling again.
“Can I come in?” His light tone echoed through the room.
“Yeah,” you said, feeling another rush of nausea washing over you as he comes in. You looked and saw his worried face come into focus.
“Oh sweetheart,” Jimin said, rubbing your back as you got sick once more.
“Jimin? Y/N?” Jungkook’s voice echoed in the apartment.
“We’re in the bathroom Kook!” Jimin yelled.
Shortly Jungkook’s footsteps came into the bathroom. He was frowning, knowing you must be uncomfortable and there wasn’t much he could do for you. Watching Jimin rub your back gave him a sense of comfort however.
You were struggling with your chest being tender also. Every time you moved against the toilet you felt a jolt of pain go down your spine. Wincing when you came back up, Jimin had gotten you a little cup of water. You swished the cool liquid around before spitting it out and standing up slowly, per Jimin’s instructions.
You brushed your teeth and told the boys you were alright. They left and you did the rest of your morning routine. Jimin came back into your room and asked if you were ready for breakfast. You nodded and let Jimin lead you to the kitchen table. Jimin, taking note of your poor start to the day, asked if you wanted anything in particular for breakfast. Thinking back you really enjoyed the Nutella and banana toast he made for you a while back.
He nodded and started the toaster quickly. Jungkook had been working overtime recently and had to leave shortly after your bathroom incident. Soon, two pieces of Nutella toast with bananas were placed in front of you.
But the second the smell of banana hit your nose, you were scrunching up your face in disgust. Jimin looked at you with confusion. Then it dawned on him: food sensitivity.
Quickly removing the plate he asked if anything else sounded good, and you came up with the weird combination that was scrambled eggs with cream cheese.
Jimin looked on with a light smile on his face as you scarfed down the eggs and cream cheese without a single nose scrunch. It always made him happy to see you eating. Keeping up your health for the sake of the baby and you made him happy.
Soon, you were done and Jimin had gone into the living room to watch some TV when you noticed him sitting there. Lounging on the couch was a normal thing, but, looking at him now you-you couldn’t put your finger on it. He just looked so good, sitting there. He’d recently redid his hair so it was a beautiful blond color. His eyes wandered from the television to you, standing there in your loose t-shirt and pajama shorts.
He licked his lips for a moment, but that was all it took for you.
The flash of his tongue made you slightly weak in the knees, causing you to grip the edge of the table for support. Jimin seemed to mistake this for a more serious problem as he was up in a matter of seconds to come to your side.
“Y/N? What’s the matter?” He asked, looking at you with concern.
“I-I’m good,” you said, giving him a thumbs up. “I think I just ate too fast.”
Jimin mulled this over in his head for a moment before nodding and stepping back.
“As long as you’re okay,” he said, heading back towards the couch.
But your symptoms weren’t just limited to food sensitivity, morning sickness and random bouts of arousal, oh no... The best one was the nightmares that had taken over your sleep schedule.
Normally they were just vague things that you forgot about when you woke up. But they were becoming more vivid. More, unsettling.
You were dreaming being in pools of blood, sometimes it was yours, sometimes it belonged to the boys. Sometimes you didn’t know where it came from, but it was always there. Never to be washed away, only to drown in...
You were caught up in the throes of a particularly bad nightmare...
You’d miscarried and lost the baby, Jimin and Jungkook were heartbroken and left you bleeding out on the floor as you stared up into the ceiling, dying.
The room was tilted and everything was wobbly.
You tried to go after them, to ask for another chance. But it was too late, they were gone.
Screaming, you bolted up in your bed. Tears flowing down your cheeks at a rapid rate. Your heart was hammering in your chest so loud you swore you could feel it in your throat.
You heard the slamming of a door and soon Jimin and Jungkook barged into your room, looking around frantically until they found you on your bed, shaking and crying into your hands.
“Y/N!” They yelled, going to your sides and trying to get you to talk to them.
“Sweetie, what happened? Why did you scream?” Jimin asked, petting your hair trying to soothe you.
“I-I had a nightmare, I-I lost the baby and, then lost you two,” you whimpered, covering your face again.
Jungkook swallowed thickly, the image of you crying being burned into his memory. He hated seeing you like this. It hurt him to see you so distraught. Jimin, too, was struggling with your emotions. He just wanted you happy and healthy, free from any worry and troubles of the real world. But of course, he couldn’t protect you from everything and everyone. No matter how much he wanted to.
“Y/N, it’s okay. We’re right here, we aren’t going anywhere,” said Jungkook. You were crying violently, looking at the bed spread with blurred vision. Jimin looked at Jungkook with worry written all over his features, your smaller frame sat shaking in the bed as the two males tried to comfort you.
Jungkook hesitantly reached out to wipe the tears from your face. You looked up at the man with puffy cheeks and swollen eyes, before glancing back down at your lap.
“You aren’t going to lose us, Y/N,” Jimin reassured.
“I’m scared,” you whispered, so broken that it had both of their eyes tearing up at the sound.
“It’s alright, we’re scared too,” Jimin said, patting your hair gently. “But we’ll get through this.”
“There was so much blood,” you whimpered, biting your lip trying to keep the sobs from coming out.
“Y/N,” Jungkook said, feeling his eyes burning with unshed tears of his own.
“I was dying and you just... left me there,” you confessed.
“We could never leave you just like that Y/N, ever,” Jimin said, sounding shocked.
“We’d never forgive ourselves if something happened to you,” Jungkook whispered.
Jimin grabbed his hand, rubbing his fingers over the knuckles. He knew seeing you like this was hard on both of them, and knowing how much you truly didn’t think they cared was also hurtful. Because all they wanted was to tell you you didn’t have to leave... But it couldn’t work like that.
Jimin’s work as a high end therapist was already wobbly because of his relationship with Jungkook. As unfortunate as it is, people didn’t want his help if he was dating a fellow man.
And Jungkook had already been shamed for his love publicly, the gossip forums on the newspaper and websites having a hay day with his image. He’d worked so hard to show he wasn’t any different than a straight man when it came to his work. But, the world is a cruel place, and social norms often reared their ugly heads with Jungkook.
They couldn’t drag you into that cesspool of nasty comments and uncomfortable encounters. It was a harsh reality, but it was the one you were all living in. And there wasn’t anything they could do about it.
Jungkook wanted to scream about how it was unfair. How you sitting here with them wasn’t wrong, as long as you all cared about one another, how could it be? But they both knew how this would end.
With you walking out of their lives and your child’s life, forever.
“I’m sorry for waking you up,” you hiccuped, swallowing down the rest of your tears.
“No, don’t be sorry,” Jimin said, rubbing your shoulder.
“If something’s wrong we want you to tell us,” Jungkook said, looking at you with misty eyes.
“I-I will,” you said, wiping your face.
“Are you going to be able to go back to sleep?” Jimin asked, looking at your state with concern.
“I should be able to,” you said, trying to convince yourself of the same thing.
“We can stay with you, until you’re asleep,” Jungkook offered before even thinking. Jimin’s head snapped to the younger male, who was already shrinking.
“W-Would you?” Your soft voice spoke up.
Jimin nodded finally, crawling into the bed with you and Jungkook following suit. They each took a hand and held it tightly. Jimin drew different shapes and patterns on your palm, making you giggle when it tickled. Jungkook interlocked your fingers together, running his thumb over your soft skin like Jimin did with him when he was nervous or scared.
Sooner, rather than later, you were passed out once more, hands clutching Jimin and Jungkook’s.
The men managed to untangle themselves from you as they went back to their room, hearts heavy. When the door shut, Jungkook burst into tears.
“Oh my sweet boy, don’t cry,” Jimin said, wiping his boyfriend’s cheeks carefully.
“Jimin,” he said, forehead resting on the older man’s shoulder.
“I know, it hurts me too,” Jimin whispered.
“I just want her to know that she’s not just a convenience, she’s so much more than that,” Jungkook whimpered.
“Yeah,” Jimin said, thinking of your body curled up on the couch with a good book and a warm drink next to you. Your smile when your favorite song comes on in the car. The way you’re already so protective over the baby.
“I don’t know if it’s because she’s carrying our baby or what, but, I want to be closer to her. I want to know everything about her... God I don’t know what to do with myself Jimin,” Jungkook complained, wiping at his tears in frustration.
“We just gotta keep it in our mind that she had a life before this, and she’ll have a life after it too. S-She’s doing this because we’re paying her Jungkook. Of course that isn’t the only reason but, it is the main one,” Jimin reminded his boyfriend, and himself.
Even though the words felt hollow in the air.
“I guess,” Jungkook said.
“You’ve got work early, we need to go back to bed,” Jimin said, motioning for Jungkook to get into bed as well. The two men cuddled up to each other, each feeling like something, or someone, was missing...
--
Faster than you thought possible, the ten week mark had come.
It was time to get your first ultrasound of the pregnancy.
The boys were over the moon about the whole thing. Excitedly chatting in the car.
“I hope we can see the baby well,” Jungkook said, driving carefully through the street.
Jimin hummed in agreement. “Me too, the baby is still super small right now. About the size of a prune but, we’ll still be able to see them on the screen. And, we can hear their heartbeat!”
You smiled at their excitement. Bringing your fingers up you brushed the pendant they gave you, a nervous habit you’d picked up shortly after their gifting it to you. Jungkook looked at you in the rearview, playing with the sparkling jewelry piece. It made his chest feel tight, looking at you. Jimin placed a hand on his, making Jungkook focus on him for a moment.
Jimin shook his head and Jungkook swallowed thickly, knowing exactly what he meant.
Soon, you were all at the clinic.
Jimin helped you out of the backseat, getting your bag and whatnot so you didn’t have to fuss with it. Jungkook placed a protective hand on your lower back, guiding you into the building.
You felt your heart flutter in your chest at the action, having to cover up your blushing with a cough. Jimin urged you to sit down while he got the paperwork, something you didn’t fight him on. You were exhausted as of late.
The boys reassured you it was normal to be tired. You knew, however, that you were a little more tired than normal. Briefly you wondered if it was because it was your first time and you’d never felt something like this. However, that didn’t sit right. You knew there was something going on, but you didn’t want to worry the boys. Especially since you were getting an ultrasound today.
Sitting next to Jungkook in the waiting room, he made small talk. Asking how you were feeling and if the morning sickness had gotten any better.
“It’s gotten worse,” you complained, leaning your head back in the seat.
“Really? Maybe we can ask the doctor to prescribe something for you,” he said.
“It should be going away soon, I’ll be alright,” you reassured, patting his knee.
“Sometimes it doesn’t go away until the baby is born, I just don’t want you to suffer if we can do something about it,” Jungkook said softly.
“If it gets too bad, I’ll say something. Okay?” You said, keeping a gentle smile on your face.
“Yeah, okay,” he agreed.
Jimin came back and took Jungkook’s hand, intertwining their fingers together. Jimin had a habit of tracing the tattoos on Jungkook’s hands when he was nervous, it made you smile.
Eventually a nurse called your name and led you back to the ultrasound room. Jungkook smiled and sat down in the chair provided. Jimin helped you up onto the table and the ultrasound tech went over what they would be looking for and opened it up for questions.
When no one had any, she proceeded.
“Okay, I just need you to pull the front of your pants down a little bit,” the tech asked, prepping the machine.
You immediately turned and looked at Jungkook and Jimin, then down at your stomach. It wasn’t a big deal, it was just a little bit anyways.
Without much more thought you pulled your pants so just the top of your panties were showing. Jungkook’s eyes widened at your actions, but he tried to keep a calm exterior. Jimin kept his eyes trained on the screen, not wanting you to feel uncomfortable.
The ultrasound gel was cold, making you jump when it came in contact with your skin. But soon it was warming to your skin and you all looked at the screen with rapt attention.
“Alright so we should see the head and curvature of the body, but other than that this is just to make sure that everything is looking good in the uterus and to see if there are any abnormalities with the baby-oh! Babies it appears,” the tech said, a big smile on her face.
“What?” Jimin said.
“There’s another head there, if you look right here,” she pointed at the screen. “Looks like you’ve got a set of twins in there!”
Jungkook’s eyes teared up, looking down at your stomach with his heart in his throat.
You were stunned.
Twins?
The first try?
Wow, you really did win the lottery.
“Oh my God,” Jimin said, hiding his face in Jungkook’s shoulder.
“Way to go, got those twins first try,” you said, trying to keep your nerves under control.
“It’s all thanks to you Y/N, we couldn’t do it without you,” Jungkook reminded.
“Are you guys going to want the pictures?” The tech asked. Jimin and Jungkook of course said yes.
“Wow, look at their heads babe!” Jimin yelped as you all walked out of the clinic together. Jimin was still cooing over the pictures of the twins from the ultrasound.
“I need to put it in my wallet,” he said, bringing out the accessory shortly after.
You smiled at their excitement. You were beyond happy, you’d done it. Gave them the twins they desperately wanted. First try too. You knew that meant a few more complications, but, you didn’t want that to hold too much weight over you.
“We should call Namjoon and Jin! Tell them the news about the twins!”
You nodded quickly, wanting to tell your friends the update.
Namjoon and Jin were thrilled, obviously. Insisting that they’ll give Annie to Jin’s parents for the night so you could all get together and have a meal. Agreeing, the boys set it up for around seven thirty.
“Dress nice! I also expect to see those ultrasound pictures!” Jin said through the phone.
You snorted and shook your head, gently touching your stomach. You felt a fluttering in your chest, like you were standing on the edge of a tall building or something. It made you gasp lightly, moving your hand away from your belly to your chest. Jimin seemed to notice your movement because he was turning around in his seat.
“Everything alright there?” He asked, looking at you with his beautiful brown eyes.
“Y-yeah, I’m good. We’re-good,” you said, pointing to your tummy. Jimin’s eyes lit up at the mention of the babies.
“Okay, tell me if you need anything,” he said, turning around and facing the front once more.
You all walked back into the apartment, Jungkook still gushing about everything. You simply smiled and went to go get ready for dinner.
Jin did say to look nice, so you picked out a few things from your shopping excursion a while back. Putting on a dress that looked skin tight but it was super stretchy, so no doubt you could wear it late into the pregnancy. The zipper on the back would be an issue but, it made you feel a little sexy. You hadn’t really done a lot in regards to your appearance around the boys, you didn’t see the need.
But, it wouldn’t hurt to do your hair and dress nicely...
You had the perfect shoes to pair with the dress. You grabbed some stockings and a few other small pieces of jewelry, placing them on the bed while you assembled everything together the way you wanted it.
Eventually, you were all set.
Except for the zipper on the back.
You didn’t understand why there was a zipper on such a stretchy dress, but fashion has its ways you guess. Reaching behind you proved unsuccessful. Quickly growing frustrated, you did the following without thinking.
“Jimin? Jungkook? Can one of you come here for a second please?”
Once the words were out, you immediately wished you could eat them.
But the damage had been done.
Both men walked in your room.
Jimin’s jaw dropped open, looking at you in awe.
You were in knee high stockings, low heels and a slinky black dress that hugged your body so perfectly it made him want to drop to his knees. Jungkook fared no better. Seeing your hair styled and a little bit of makeup on your features really enhanced your natural beauty. They both were staring, making you shrink in embarrassment.
“O-Okay, you can blink any time now,” you said, chuckling to ease the tension in the room.
“You look... wow,” Jimin breathed.
“Incredible. You look incredible,” Jungkook said, eyes trailing down your legs.
“Thank you, but, um... Could one of you please come zip me up? I can’t reach the zipper,” you said, turning your back to them fully.
Jungkook stared at his boyfriend with an almost agonized look on his face. Jimin nodded and walked forward, brushing your hair out of the way. Placing a gentle hand on your hip Jimin pulled the zipper up to the top, covering each inch of your beautiful skin.
Jungkook swallowed his noise of protest, trying to remember what Jimin had said. You weren’t an object for them to use, you were their surrogate. The woman who would be birthing their twins. And then leaving...
Jimin knew if Jungkook had walked forward to zip up your dress he wouldn’t be able to keep it together. Jimin wasn’t doing that hot either to be honest. Your hips flared out. Looking so beautiful hugged in the dress, and the warmth of your skin beneath his fingertips was... alarming.
“Thank you,” you said, turning around with a smile on your face.
Jimin couldn’t help but mirror your grin.
“Absolutely, are you ready to go now?” He asked, trying to keep from getting distracted any more.
“Yeah, let’s go! I want Jin to feed me so much I burst,” you said, heading towards the door. Once you were gone, Jungkook looked at Jimin.
“This is only getting harder,” Jungkook said, biting his lip.
“Are you going to be alright?” Jimin questioned, placing his hand on Jungkook’s shoulder.
“Yeah, just... This feels wrong,” Jungkook whispered.
“What feels wrong?” Jimin asked.
“Keeping her at arm's length, I just feel awkward. Pushing her away when she’s doing something so big for us, it’s really emotionally charged and... I feel like a jerk for treating her like just another person. Like she isn’t special,” Jungkook explained, brushing his hair out of his face.
“I understand,” Jimin said, trying to smooth the frown lines from Jungkook’s face.
“Boys? Are you coming?” Your voice echoed through the house.
“Coming!” Jimin said. “We’ll talk about this later, okay? We’ll figure this out.”
—
The dinner at Jin and Namjoon’s was beyond anything you’d expected.
There was so much food and honestly, you ate a lot. Lying back in your chair, tilting your head back you sighed. Rubbing your stomach unconsciously. But the boys noticed everything. Especially how amazing you looked in that outfit.
It was just about all they could do to keep their hands off of you. Jungkook was fidgeting the whole night, being the one who sat next to you. He really tried to keep his cool, but a man could only take so much.
“So, Y/N, how does it feel to be pregnant with twins?” Namjoon asked, taking a small bite of rice.
“Honestly? It’s not been a cake walk, let me tell you. My mood swings are everywhere, my chest is killing me, food is either a hit or miss and don’t get me started on how arou-ahem,” you froze at your brazen attitude. Jimin and Jungkook’s heads snapped at your statement, looking at you with masked emotions. “Sorry, got carried away. Anyways, it’s been wild. But, I’m really glad to be doing it, you know? The boys take good care of me,” you praised, smiling at the two of them now.
Namjoon noticed it first.
The twinkle in Jungkook’s eyes at your words. How genuinely happy he seemed listening to you talk. Jimin’s body language was always engaged with you, never closing off or making it appear like he wasn’t interested.
Namjoon’s eyes widened.
This would need to be discussed...
Soon, everyone was sitting in the living room, just digesting. When you got up and said you had to use the restroom.
When the men were alone, Namjoon attacked.
“What are you guys doing?” He asked, looking at the two younger men with worry in his features.
“What do you mean?” Jimin quizzed right back.
“Listen, I’ve been friends with Y/N for a long time. I really care about her and want only the best for her. I also want you guys to be happy and healthy and have your own family, so please don’t take what I’m about to say personally but-what the fuck?” He asked.
“What do you mean what the fuck?” Jungkook asked.
“Why are you looking at her like that?” Namjoon asked, feeling his frustration rise.
“Like what?!” Jimin argued.
“Like you-Like you, are all, like... a couple?” Namjoon said, feeling the awkward tension rising in the room.
“What?” Jungkook coughed.
“We aren’t together,” Jimin said slowly.
“But do you want to be?” Namjoon asked.
Jungkook broke first.
“I don’t know,” he whispered, placing his head in his hands. Jimin was quick to comfort the younger male, rubbing his back in big, soothing circles.
“It’s a new experience for us. We just want her to be happy and healthy and safe. You know, take care of her,” Jimin explained, skirting around the question.
“Of course, but, there’s a difference between appreciation and affection,” Jin said, speaking up.
“Y-Yeah, we know that,” Jimin answered. “I’m a therapist, I know what emotions are.”
Namjoon rolled his eyes.
“If you know what emotions are then why are you denying your own?” he asked.
“I’m not!”
“Bullshit,” Namjoon challenged.
“This is fucking ridiculous,” Jimin growled.
“What’s all the angry whispering out here for?” You asked, walking back into the room. The energy snapped within an instant.
“It’s alright, just a heated debate about politics,” Namjoon joked, giving you a tender smile.
“Oookay?” You said, coming back in to sit down next to Jungkook, who was trying his best to not squirm when your thigh brushed his.
The rest of the night moved rather calmly, but not without a fierce monopoly game that almost caused a few table flips. Jungkook wound up losing and threw a mini tantrum. But it was quickly smoothed over when you promised you’d bake him some cookies the next time he had a day off.
While Namjoon and Jin were cleaning up, Jungkook and Jimin discovered your sleeping frame on the couch once more. Breaths coming in even and slow, they smiled at you. Your lips were pouting lightly, something they’d discovered was a habit when you were sleeping.
And Jungkook adored it.
He came over to your side and tried to wake you up, but when you whined and fussed he decided it would just be easier to carry you to the car. Carefully, the strong young man lifted you into his arms and towards the door. Jimin got the rest of your things all together and they thanked Jin and Namjoon for the meal and night.
But before they left, Namjoon grabbed Jimin by the shoulder. Jungkook waited, looking back in worry. Jimin waved him on, saying he’d be there in a minute. Jungkook nodded before heading out the door.
“What?” Jimin asked.
“I’m sorry about earlier, I overstepped. I didn’t mean to offend you or Jungkook. It’s just, Y/N is very inexperienced when it comes to love and emotions and having that connection. I’m worried about what’s happening to her. I don’t want her to get her hopes up and be crushed later on,” he explained.
Jimin nodded his head.
“I accept your apology. I didn’t mean to fly off the handle either, Jungkook and I have been... Discussing it. But it’s not an easy thing to come to terms with, we aren’t sure what we feel for her... We know we care about her, but is it because she’s our surrogate and we want to care for her? Or is it something deeper? We don’t know,” Jimin sighed, running his fingers through his hair.
“Y/N is so special. She gives without thinking, she is so dedicated to those she cares about... she’d give the shirt off her back to someone she didn’t even know. It’s hard not to love her, but... she doesn’t deserve to be pulled in a million different directions either. But you all deserve to be happy, I’m always here if you need to talk,” Namjoon offered.
Jimin smiled lightly. “That’s normally my line.”
“You guys are good people, I wouldn’t have recommended Y/N do this if I didn’t trust you. But, just... please don’t take advantage of her heart. And don’t lie to yourselves either.”
Jimin nodded, looking down at the floor with a resolute nod.
“Thanks, both of you,” Jimin said, giving a small wave before heading out towards the car. Jungkook already had you buckled and settled in.
“What was that about?” Jungkook asked, getting into the front seat.
“He wanted to apologize for earlier, he felt like he overstepped. And, he wanted to explain why he was so defensive over Y/N,” Jimin said.
Jungkook nodded and started the car, taking off down the road.
“Why is he so protective? Did they like, date in the past or something?” Jungkook asked. Jimin shook his head.
“N-No, Y/N hasn’t ever had a boyfriend or girlfriend,” Jimin said, resting his head in his hand.
“What? Really?” Jungkook balked. Trying to think of how someone like you hadn’t ever been snatched up before. You were a total catch! But, you did tend to keep to yourself.
“Yeah, she told me about it the day she had her IUI done,” Jimin explained.
“Oh, so-wait. She’s having a baby when she’s never, like, had sex?” Jungkook said. “Is that safe?”
“I mean I’m sure it’s safe but, she’s not... Um, she told me she’s had sex before,” Jimin said.
“Wow, how did this all come up?” Jungkook asked.
“Well, she mentioned something about wanting someone who looked at her the way we look at each other,” Jimin blushed.
“She’s so cute,” Jungkook groaned. “Well, at least she’s been with someone before. You know, had that kind of pleasure.”
Jimin coughed, rubbing his neck. Jungkook looked at him weirdly.
“What?”
“She may have off-handedly mentioned that she’s never, uh... You know, finished,” Jimin flushed. Jungkook looked floored at the information.
“You mean to tell me, that some jerk took her virginity and didn’t fucking make it special? What a fucking tool bag,” Jungkook growled.
“I don’t know the story, she didn’t divulge that kind of information. I was the one who guessed she’s never finished, and she was pretty embarrassed about it all to be honest,” Jimin said.
“That is so frustrating,” Jungkook said.
“Yeah.”
The car was quiet, save for your soft little snores coming from the back seat.
“Did you hear what she said during dinner?” Jimin asked. “When she was talking about her pregnancy symptoms.”
“Yeah...” Jungkook trailed off.
“I wish we could do something for her, I feel so bad,” Jimin whispered.
“We can be there to support her but we can’t over step either,” Jungkook said.
“I know, normally I’m the one reminding you of that,” Jimin huffed.
“I understand it’s not easy for either of us,” Jungkook said softly.
“Maybe we just need a god romp in the sheets to get it out of our system hmm?” Jimin teased, running a hand up Jungkook’s thigh. Jungkook couldn’t help the hiss that came out of his mouth at the touch. They hadn’t really been active in that way since you’d come into the house.
“Y-You know how loud I get,” Jungkook said, swallowing hard.
“Oh I’m very aware how loud I can make you scream,” Jimin winked.
“Stop, I’m already hard,” Jungkook whined.
“I bet you are baby,” Jimin said, squeezing his boyfriend’s thigh tight.
“Stop, please,” Jungkook whined.
“Mmm,” Jimin said, not sensing that Jungkook really wanted him to stop. “And what if I keep going baby? What if I snuck my hand into your pants and tugged your pathetic little cock until you came huh? Make you come all over your expensive pants and make you lick it up?”
“Jimin,” Jungkook said, cock straining against his pants.
“Yes baby? What does my baby want, huh?” Jimin asked, so sweet... Almost dangerous.
“I-I want-”
“Mmm, are we home yet?” You voice perked up from the back seat.
“Y/N?” Jimin asked, turning to look at you. Your eyes were bleary from sleep and it was obvious you must’ve just woken up. Jungkook adjusted himself in the seat, trying to hide his throbbing erection from your sight.
“Yeah?” You said, blinking slow.
“Sweetie,” Jimin cooed, brushing a few strands of your hair back from your face, even though it was an awkward angle for him.
“Jungkook are you okay?” You asked, noticing how tense the young man’s posture was.
“I-I’m good,” he said, trying to hide his arousal.
“Okay,” you said, laying your head back down.
Jungkook pulled the car into the front slot of the building, handing the keys over to the valet. The two of them brought you out of the car and Jimin decided it was his turn to carry you up to the apartment. So, the three of you all made it to the apartment in silence.
You were awake, but you weren’t feeling too terribly chatty. Sleep still at the forefront of your mind. Jungkook and Jimin hadn’t spoken since you got out of the car, and you can’t help but feel like you were in the middle of something kinda intense. The charged feeling in the room making you shift against Jimin’s chest.
He looked down at you, trying to keep himself from jostling you too much. You were exhausted. But soon, you felt bile rising in your throat...
“Jimin put me down,” you said, holding your hand to the mouth. Just as he set you down you scrambled to the bathroom and threw up the massive dinner you’d eaten. Jimin and Jungkook were rushing right after you. Jungkook brought your hair away from your face. Jimin sat down next to him to rub your back.
You got to the point where you were just dry heaving into the toilet, but it didn’t seem to end.
“Oh fuck,” you croaked, coughing hard.
“You want some water?” Jimin asked.
“No, I’m scared I’ll just throw that up too,” you whined.
“It might be better than just dry heaving,” Jimin said.
“You got a point,” you huffed, trying to keep your head from spinning.
“I’ll get you some,” he said, moving off the floor to head towards the kitchen. Jungkook shuffled forward, kind of molding his front to your back. When you pushed a little too hard against him you felt it. Wondering what it could be for a moment you pushed back against him again, when he groaned in surprise.
“U-Um, Jungkook?” You squeaked.
“S-Sorry!” He said, moving away faster than the speed of light.
“I-It’s okay, just, you know,” you flushed.
“It’s not because of you! It’s not uh, I wasn’t um,” he stuttered.
“I-I didn’t think it was?” You said, more of a question.
“It’s not that you’re not pretty or anything it’s-”
“No, I get it,” you said, smiling weakly.
“Y/N-”
“Here’s your water,” Jimin said, bringing in a glass for you to drink.
You sipped it slowly. Not paying attention. Jungkook looked like he was going to die in the corner, which made Jimin shoot him a weird look. He just shook his head as he covered his face. Jimin made a mental note to question him about it later, but his concern was on you right now.
“Have you been getting sick a lot?” Jimin asked, placing a soft hand on your shoulder.
“I mean, it’s mainly in the morning. I think I just ate too much at dinner,” you said, pouting lightly.
“Gotcha, do you feel like you’re going to get sick again? Or do you think you’re done?” He asked.
“I-I think I’m good,” you said, putting the empty glass down.
“Are you sure?” Jimin asked, making you look at him.
“Mhmm,” you confirmed, eyes getting droopy again.
“Alright sleepyhead, brush your teeth and go to bed. Need help getting up?” Jimin worried, fussing over you like any father to be would.
You stood up slowly, mindful of your dizzy head. But, when you stood at the sink you felt everything kinda snap into focus. Jimin dragged Jungkook out of the bathroom to let you do your thing, but told you to come get them if you needed anything.
Hurrying into the bedroom, Jimin narrowed his eyes at his boyfriend.
“Why did you look like you’d rather crawl into an overflowing storm drain than be in that bathroom? What happened when I was getting water?”
Jungkook looked up at Jimin could see the embarrassment on his face. Sighing, Jimin sat down, placing his hand on his boyfriend’s back.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have teased you in the car. It’s just, been a while you know? I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or anything,” Jimin apologized.
“Y/N felt it, my... When you moved me so you could get out of the bathroom to get her the water, she was pushed up against me. And, she pushed back against me and felt my dick against her,” Jungkook said, rubbing her face.
“Oh, that is... uh, awkward,” Jimin agreed.
“It gets worse,” Jungkook said.
“What do you mean?” Jimin asked.
“I-I told her it wasn’t because of her and then I tried to tell her it’s not that she wasn’t pretty and I just threw up a bunch of words that didn’t make sense and then you were back,” Jungkook whimpered.
Jimin sighed. Jungkook had never been a genius with words, but normally he was better than that. He knows that Jungkook is mortified, Jungkook wasn’t good at mingling or recovering from blunders of the social variety. So, Jimin just sighed and gave his boyfriend a gentle kiss.
“It’s okay Jungkook, Y/N isn’t gonna hold this against you,” Jimin soothed.
“I just feel terrible,” Jungkook said softly.
“Why? It was an accident,” Jimin reasoned.
“Because I-I didn’t want her to stop,” he swallowed. Jimin bit his lip and tried to keep his anger from spilling over.
“I don’t know how many times we have to talk about this Jungkook,” Jimin said.
“We were talking about it in the car! But we’ve never talked about what we want, what we’re doing now, it's not sustainable. I’m going crazy!” Jungkook yelled.
“Jungkook keep your voice down!” Jimin reminded.
“Jimin I’m so fucking confused, I don’t know what we’re doing. What I’m doing. I-I do know one thing for certain. I love those kids, so much, and they aren’t even here yet. I love them so much, because they’re ours... But... I can’t keep doing this. Getting closer only to rip myself away, it’s killing me Jimin. If you want me to walk away, I will but, I just can’t keep giving myself hope when there isn’t any,” Jungkook cried, tears falling down his cheeks.
“I-I didn’t know you were so broken up over this,” Jimin whispered.
“I’m so confused,” Jungkook whispered.
“I am too, I love you so much but... I feel this connection to her. I know it’s normal to be grateful, but, I know it’s more than that with her,” Jimin said, moving to give Jungkook a back hug.
“Then we need to make a decision,” Jungkook said.
“You want to pursue her as a part of our couple? Like, make her our girlfriend?” Jimin asked.
“Do you?” Jungkook asked back.
“I mean... I wouldn’t be opposed,” Jimin said softly.
“I don’t want this if you don’t,” Jungkook said, turning to look at Jimin with sparkling eyes.
“I want this... I want her, but, we need to give her some time, as well as ourselves to come to terms with this,” Jimin reasoned.
“Okay,” Jungkook agreed.
“But, when we’re both ready, we can approach her,” Jimin said.
“Would this be healthy to do? I mean, mentally,” Jungkook asked.
“Polygamous couples generally tend to have better communication than the average two person couples. And with one of us being a therapist I think we could manage. I-I want to work towards that,” Jimin confessed.
“I want this too,” Jungkook said excitedly.
“Then that’s what we’ll do...”
You laid in bed late into the night. You heard Jungkook and Jimin having a disagreement. You couldn’t make out the words but, the walls were thin... You prayed to God that it wasn’t about you, or anything related to the children.
Slowly, your hand trailed down to your stomach. You didn’t think you could see a bump yet, but maybe a little something? You weren’t sure, maybe it was just wishful thinking.
You moved slightly, and you felt something in your underwear. Adjusting lightly, you pulled them down to look, and you saw a decent amount of arousal soaking into the cotton fabric. Blushing bright red you reached down to touch your hot center, to find that you were, in fact, dripping wet.
Biting your lip you thought back on the bathroom incident. Jungkook’s firm body pressed against yours, his hardened cock pressed against your ass, the hot groan he let out. Running your fingers over your slit, you gathered your slick and pushed against your clit gently.
Shockwaves of pleasure ripped through you at the sensation.
“Oh!” You gasped, hand coming up to cover your mouth in fear of waking the boys.
You did it again, causing your body to jump slightly, making more of your arousal drip from your center. Licking your lips you thought about what Jungkook’s hands would feel like instead of yours. What his body would feel like pressed up against yours naked... Jimin’s plump lips flashed through your mind for a second, making you wonder what his blond head would look like between-
No!
No no no no no!
Ripping your hand away from your weeping core you turned over and placed your hands on your head.
How could you? Those two weren’t something to fuel your lonely fantasies! They are in love with each other, and are going to have a family... Albeit you had to help with that part but, still. Jimin and Jungkook weren’t yours... They were each other’s...
But as much as you tried to tell yourself that it would never happen...
You couldn’t help but dream of the two men’s hands running over your body...
Hot breaths touching your ears...
Taglist: @kittkat44, @giadalin, @kookachuwu
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#BTS#ficswithluv#ksmutclub#Jikook#Jikook X reader#Jungkook X Jimin X Reader#Surrogacy!AU fic#Baby talk#Jikook Baby talk#BTS smut#BTS Fanfic#BTS author#BTS fanfiction#BTS smut fanfiction#Eventual Smut#It's a slow burn okay?#Jungkook X Reader#Jimin X Reader#Fluff#Pregnancy!AU
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