#and let's not forget how Chronic Illnesses work
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i've said it already probably but ppl who don't use mobility aids. especially doctors. stop trying to get rid of other ppls mobility aid. stop making that a priority. stop it with the "we gotta get you off that [mobility aid]" "you shouldn't need to be using a [mobility aid]" "let's focus on getting you to where you don't need [mobility aid]" "a [mobility aid]? but have you tried [herb]/[medicine]/ [exercise]/[facebook hack]/[pseudoscience]/[meditation] instead?" "but you look old/cringe/weak/sick". shut up
i don't know why so many of y'all think my end goal is to stop using the thing that helps me. and i KNOW most of y'all wear glasses or contacts but you're not running around trying to find the solution to make you stop needing them. so quit doing it with every other aid just because it reminds you of old or sick people.
especially bc most of y'all don't want to have that reaction when it comes to chronic pain, fatigue or discomfort. i say "my joints hurt" you say "oh well :/". i say "i feel lightheaded all the time" you say "just push through it". i say "my stomach is at least a 7/10 on the pain scale every day" you say "are you sure it's actually that bad? maybe you're exaggerating".
but as soon as i pull out a cane, or a shower chair, or a spinny chair for when im cooking in the kitchen, and i say "finally, im getting really good help!" . that's when you care. and all you want to do is take that away as soon as possible.
you just don't want to fucking see disabled ppl be disabled.
you don't want to have to look at it. you don't want to have to listen to it. you don't want to have to be reminded of it.
but too fucking bad !! i don't care !! im naming and decorating my canes !! they will be the loudest part of my outfits !! the same will go for a rollator if i'll still need one in the future !! i'm going to talk about how i'm disabled regardless of if anyone else can hear me !! because i am !! why should i hide just because YOU don't like it !! close your eyes !!!!!!
#do not come up in here talking about 'oh so you think everyone should just stay sick'#bc i know what i said and it wasn't that#and let's not forget how Chronic Illnesses work#disabilities#disability#disabled#mobility aid#cane user#rollator#actually disabled#handmadeorganicpost#chronic illness#chronic pain#chronically ill
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for the writer ask
💭🚦💛 💌
💭 What inspires you and your writing?
this is a real marketing major-ass answer (from your local marketing major), but i love sharing knowledge and telling stories. writing’s one of those things that’s a bit of a compulsion for me—i’m always writing something. i took a five-year break from fiction writing before i stumbled ass-first into fanfic last year, but even in those years when i was focusing on my career, i was writing guides and trainings and a ton of other stuff—just not anything fun, lol.
writing is also so cathartic. sometimes i set out to tell a specific story, but at other times, a particular emotion gets me in a vice grip and i have to put it to words before it’ll go away. my stories tend to wind up as emotional dumping grounds as a result.
i don’t write things pulled directly from my own life, but there are bits and pieces of myself and things that have happened to me scattered throughout stuff i’ve written, and usually when i’m about 75% of the way through a piece, i’ll realize it’s absolutely related to something i’m currently going through. funny how art works that way, even when you don’t intend for it to.
and occasionally i just have a fire lit under my ass about an issue and i get so hot about it that i gotta compile my thoughts. looking at you, silver snow
🚦 What sort of endings do you prefer to write: ambiguous, bad, happily ever after, etc.?
look, i would love nothing more for them girls (pick whichever girls you please) to have a happy ending where they kiss and are stupid in love for the rest of forever. i love reading those kinds of stories. but in my heart of hearts, i love an ambiguous ending. i like when there are still questions after the story ends. i like thinking about where things could go or how the characters will go on after the events of the story. like, shared space could be read as having a happy ending, but i don’t really think it is. and with the victors; the vestiges, well. you’ll see :0)
come to think of it, i’m not sure i’ve ever written a happily-ever-after, but i don’t think i’ve ever written a 100% bad ending, either. i read too many bury-your-gays stories and watched too many sad european queer coming-of-age films in my youth to ever be happy putting that kinda thing out into the world. i want to write about love with all its ugliness, but not despair or hopelessness. i think what most appeals to me about an ambiguous ending is that lingering feeling of hope. it’s not the same as the kind you get from a happily-ever-after, and something about it speaks to me.
💛 What is the most impactful lesson you’ve learned about writing?
honestly? how to take criticism. i took a creative writing class in high school where we had to read our work out loud and then receive feedback on it from the other writers in the class, and that did a lot for me. going into that class, i’d already been writing for forever and had won some little local writing contests and such, so i was a wee bit of a pretentious douche. but i’d never gotten real critique before beyond, essentially, spelling and grammar checks. it humbled me lol. it made me grow so much as a writer, and i could see where i needed to improve or where my head was wedged way too far up my own ass for others to follow. it also helped me recognize strengths i didn’t know i had, and that was huge. it’s easy to get into a self-doubt spiral when making creative work, and good, constructive criticism can do so much to help avoid that.
to this day i love critique. i like knowing what worked or didn’t work so that i can continue to improve as a writer and do better next time. did my themes land? did something really work, but another part fall flat? i’d love to know!! i try to treat everything i write as practice for the next thing, and frankly that’s helped take some of the pressure off so i don’t go into total Perfectionist Mode.
i know critique is kind of a sensitive topic in fan spaces, but i think that’s because a lot of people have gotten unsolicited criticism that is purely critical and isn’t constructive. but getting good, constructive criticism will do so much to help a person grow as a writer. it’s scary, and sometimes it hurts! writing is very personal for most people, and it stings when things aren’t received the way you think they will be. but i know i’ve grown more from having my failures pointed out (and, very importantly, having the good things about those efforts acknowledged) than anything else.
💌 Is there a favorite trope you like to write?
actually Just answered this in another ask!
#sterge.eml#foxyjeongin#thank you for playing my little game and letting me talk about stories (and about me lmao)#sorry this is kind of a long post#i talk too much#i think i sound pretentious in this ask whoops. sorry#unfortunately i kind of am. i’m working on it.#… i guess the short answer to that first question is ‘emotions and mental illness’ lol#if you follow me on twitter (not recommended as it’s just me complaining about the weather and not being able to ride my motorcycle)#you know that every time i bring up my writing in therapy my therapist rocks my shit by revealing the story is#in fact.#NOT about what i thought it was about#or more accurately it’s ALSO secretly about whatever’s going on with me in real life lmao#y’know what’s really fun? looking back at something you wrote in a manic or depressive episode and going ah. hm. interesting.#the signs were. in fact. there.#(this is in fact not fun and i don’t like it. but it always happens.)#everything i write is accidentally Also about being bipolar. no getting around that#i tend to have issues organizing my thoughts and feelings to even figure out how tf i’m feeling#(forget making any attempt at doing so verbally. i have chronic foot-in-mouth disorder and accidentally say shit i don’t mean all the time)#but writing stuff down has always helped me sort through whatever mess is going on in my noggin and i love it for that#learning how to take critique is my no. 1 piece of writing advice but no. 2 is to read#read the classics. find out why they’re classics. read weird shit. read shit you don’t like. find things you like about em anyway.#and importantly: figure out WHY you do or don’t like it#it’s funny to re-read a book i haven’t read in a long time and discover OH. that’s where i get that technique from.#or that’s where i got that idea. or that’s why i had X thing happen in this story.#or why i like this type of character or scenario#nothing’s truly new and original#we’re all an amalgamation of influences and that ruuuuules#celebrate it!!!
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In Hindsight (🎧) scaramouche x reader smau
synopsis. You are a singer-songwriter. Music has always been a part of you, it's a part of your identity that no one can ever take away. However, there's always a catch: you are diagnosed with a chronic illness that puts your life on a timer. Those who have heard your countless melodies have grown to notice that the notes on the sheet played a gloomier tune. Would the snarky and capable medical student you've met be able to bring life back into these melodies? Even as your life begins to seep out of your own body? A reboot/rebranded version of Autumn Leaves.
tags. gender-neutral reader, angst, fluff, crack, heavy contexts of death and illnesses, friends to lovers, slowburn, profanities, drinking (characters are in college), suggestive themes but no nsfw.
status. ended (06.07.23) — (08.21.23)
taglist. (status: open) — @beriiov @alatusorrow @br0oke96 @ohmyfinggod @itzblazekun @featuredtofu @sketcheeee @lazy-sanns @sakurapeach @sheraffim @vxmp-loml @sukunasrealgf @sleepning @yukiipc @thenightsflower @aqvvas @scaramoo @coquettemaiden @dappledstars @pooonyo @certified-simp-4evr @alatus-viator @yuminako @zephestia @mellowberrie (comment/send an ask to be added or removed, please let me know if i forgot to add you since my notification feed can be flooded sometimes!)
notes. using the 2023 calendar for the dates, timestamps don't matter unless stated, grammatical errors and typos here and there, slow updates but ending is already planned out, overall would have a heavy atmosphere for the duration of the runtime! will retain the taglist of autumn leaves along with the new ones that can be requested for this smau ! would be adding bonus episodes from time to time.
★ playlist. click here!
☆ cameo requests [open]. click here!
★ kuni's circle | reader's circle
TEASERS 📹
01. guess who's back
TRACKLIST 🎐 ( expected run-time: 20 chapters )
01. salt air
02. room 613
03. who i see in the corner of my room at night
04. the day i died once
04a. the day i died once pt. 2
05. tinsels around the tree
06. sugar cookies & diabetes
07. when the clock strikes
08. wash my back
09. ping pong
10. blue hour
11. graduation blues
12. i'm free!
13. new year, old me
14. tightrope
15. ring the alarm
16. tell me you don't care
17. forget them, i want him instead
18. all this late night talking
19. motherly cherish
20. kuni exclusive
21. halloween
22. and i'd go back to december all the time
23. never let go
24. don't go anywhere i can't follow
25. before you let go
26. plague my mind like how you always did
27. (epilogue) pieces of love
HIDDEN TRACKS 🎼 (bonus + side chapters)
01. you wanna see something funny
02. in bitterness comes fruit
03. never mind, never mine
04. well-planned funeral
05. the other way (spin off)
masterlist
© bamdelune 2023. do not repost, translate, plagiarize any of my works without permission, thank you so much! reblogs, notes, and comments are always appreciated!
#bamdelune#bamdelune's bookstore#genshin impact#genshin#genshin x reader#📹 (In Hindsight) smau#📹 (In Hindsight) asks#scaramouche#scaramouche x gn reader#scaramouche x reader#scaramouche x you
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What merc is the worst at a checkup?
I think all of them are pretty bad, but the worst in my mind are Soldier, Spy, Sniper, Scout, and Pyro. All for different reasons.
Spy and Sniper are the worst because these two don't actually go unless Medic drags them to his lab. Spy just doesn't like going. Sniper can't keep track of time and often forgets appointment times. They do NOT like to be dragged away from work to be poked at my Medic. Spy is the bigger complainer. But also both of them probably have had bad experiences at hospitals.
Soldier just doesn't like medical settings already. Soldier has been hospitalized one too many times, and none of them were peaceful, and he definitely never felt safe in a hospital setting. He's very combative with Medic because even though he knows that it's his friend, he still has to fight this internal feeling of dread and anxiety that he doesn't know how to cope with other than fighting Medic on everything.
Scout and Pyro also have issues with hospitals, but theirs stem from chronic illness and being a burn victim, respectively.
Scout (has joint issues and was always in a lot of pain growing up but was always brushed off by doctors because they thought he was faking it.
Pyro was burned very badly burned as a child (<- more on that in a future post❗️) and was in and out of hospitals and was always in tremendous pain and suffering, so it associates pain with hospitals and can't imagine a world where it isn't like that.
None of them are intolerable or really annoy Medic. None of them throw fits like the stereotypical "bad patient" at the doctor's, but I do think they all have reasons for not going. I think they all have a chronical illness and are just scared and traumatized by the medical field, but eventually, they trust Medic enough to let him do his job. And Medic understands.
But who knows, maybe I'm projecting! I hope you like this answer anon :)
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Miracu-class girls are done! It took less time than I initially anticipated, thank goodness. Let's talk re-write's and re-designs shall we?
Sabrina so freaking cute, give the girl her hat. It was probably a gift from Chloe. For her redesign I thought she would be the kind to dress in cute blouses and flowy skirts. She has tennis skirts in every color for every occasion. As for her re-write- anyone who saw how I changed Chloe probably will guess that their dynamic is drastically changes as well.
Sabrina met Chloe when they were in their tween years, Officer Roger having worked security for the Bourgeois on multiple occasions. One day he had to bring his daughter into work and Chloe found her wandering the halls. When a kidnapper tried to abduct Chloe, Sabrina sprayed him with pepper spray her father gave her and then kicked him in the dick for good measure. Chloe then declared that Sabrina should be her full-time body guard, and she technically is being paid to hang out with Chloe. But Sabrina would have done it with or without the money since Chloe is actually very endearing once you figure out how she works.
Alix is next! Alix's violently pink hair could not be ignored, so I kept it (albeit a little less saturated) Also she is in fact still short. Her outfits are probably all variations of sports gear unless she has an event to attend at the museum. I also tanned her up since I imagine she spends a lot of time outside, girl is sunburnt. She is actually a year ahead in history, having gotten too bored with junior level classes. So she's friends with some of the seniors too. I won't get into Bunnix anytime soon but- let's just say it's a lot more tragic than cannon would ever admit. The rabbit's powers are changing, and Alix still has to live with that.
On a lighter note, Juleka, as stunning as ever. Tall queen. She is a year behind since her lack of participation in classes ultimately tanked her grade in several subjects. Her band director was more then happy for her to stay an extra year though, since she is trained classically as well as electrically on the bass. She may not like talking, but she has little fear of performing when the music can do the talking. Her twin brother actually graduated early, and he's working now to help pay for the band the two want to start. Her design doesn't change much from her cannon one other than the fact I switched her ripped leggings for lace ones. I imagine she actually has many outfits in this color pallet, since Chat Noir quickly becomes her favorite hero.
Mylene, okay the change I made here is pretty obvious. I debated for a long time on whether or not I change her skin tone. And when I did the line art? Wasn't planning too. But changed my mind last second, since I thought it helped the color pallet more. This would imply she is mixed, with her dad looking pretty much the same as cannon. it's hard to tell her unless you look closely but I gave her freckles that just cover every inch of her. She is Sunkissed. He character isn't super different, she is still easily startled, but she knows what she believes and will fight for it no matter what.
And finally, Rose! The lovely Rosey! The flower child! Her nonspecific illness still definitely happened, but I like to think she has actually recovered. I do not know enough about most chronic illnesses to make any sort of specification on what she has so nameless headache disease it is! She struggled a lot as a kid, but now she's planning to start a non-profit to help kids who are going through hard times of their own. She definitely still has her down days, the fact that she nearly died so young is not something she is quick to forget. But she will do whatever she can to give other people hope, sinee she knows all too well what it feels like to be hopeless.
As for her design, she had a bucket of pink upturned on her. She did have to have her hair shaved as an affect of her illness but now it's growing back faster than ever. She gets it cut every time it gets past a certain length to donate it.
Luka is next!
#miraculous ladybug#miraculous redesign#miraculous fanart#sabrina raincomprix#alix kubdel#juleka couffaine#mylene haprele#rose lavillant#akuma class#sabrina raincomprix redesign#alix kubdel redesign#juleka couffaine redesign#mylene haprele redesign#rose lavillant redesign
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"My body hates me" "Ugh I hate my lousy ass body always holding me back" "I'd hang out but my stupid body's too fucked up to let me" I know it feels like your body's working against you but it isn't- it's doing its best to protect you and keep you alive
If your chronic illness is post-viral and/or autoimmune your body's doing everything it can to fight a constant battle against what it believes to be a threat. Sometimes it develops because an infectious disease has interfered with the functions your body carries out. And some illnesses develop symptomatically as a survival response because your cortisol production indicates that constant fight or flight isn't working so it forces a freeze response. If you're in pain, fatigued, have brain fog, etc, you can't exert yourself and are forced to conserve your energy. That way you don't overdo things and possibly compromise your survival. It feels like a lousy survival response, it really sucks, but it's still an indicator that your body's doing its best
You can hate your symptoms and vent about how much they suck, I know they truly suck balls and some days I just wanna scream and break things while I'm in bed struggling to keep my eyes open. Just don't forget that your body doesn't "hate" you and you should treat it kindly. Many symptoms like pain are there to tell your brain something's threatening it- even if your nerves are misinterpreting sensations like strong temperatures and sending pain signals to your brain. Billions of little cells and microorganisms are working 24/7 to keep you going. Those little guys carry out so many functions and none of them are for the sole purpose of making your life harder. It always comes back to your body trying to survive
#chronic pain#chronic illness#cfs#fibromyalgia#disability#chronic fаtiguе ѕуndrоmе#actually disabled#spoonie#me/cfs#cfs/me#long covid#post viral#autoimmine disease#chronic fatigue syndrome#chronic disability#chronic fatigue#actually chronically ill
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Doctor's Appointment Guide
Dealing with chronic illness and doctor's appointments can be a tough combo. So, how do we make it a bit easier?
For many, appointments can be triggering, so consider doing something that brings you joy before heading in—talk to a friend, play a video game, or grab your favorite breakfast if time allows.
Ever find yourself in the doctor's office with a foggy brain, struggling to remember what you wanted to discuss? Note-taking is a life saver! Jot down your points, bring your notes to the appointment, and voila—no more leaving feeling like you wasted a trip.
And let's talk preparation. Bring a list of your meds and symptoms—those lists can get long, and it's easy to forget. Prep beforehand to avoid the frustration of trying to recall that one nausea med you forgot the name of.
Consider bringing someone close to you —a family member or friend. They can offer emotional support, help you advocate for yourself, and be that extra set of ears to catch what the doctor says.
Dressing for a doctor's appointment is also important. Comfort is key, layers are your friends. Offices can get chilly, and having a tank top underneath makes life easier if they need access—especially if blood needs to be drawn.
Speaking up for yourself can be tough, trust me I get it. If it's a struggle, practice with friends or family. Maybe have them tag along so you feel more comfortable speaking up for yourself.
Post-appointment, wind down and digest the info your doctor gave you. Write down tasks like picking up meds, scheduling follow-ups, or arranging referrals and tests.
These tips work for me—may not all fit all of your needs, but hey, sharing is caring. If you have anything that helps you personally feel free to share and help someone out! Hope all your appointments go well :)
#chronic fatigue#chronically ill#disabilties#disability#fibromyalgia#fibro problems#chronic illness#chronic pain#doctors appointment#invisible disability
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Energy Batteries
or
A Lazy Deer’s Guide to Ignoring Space and Time in Spell Work
I’ve been pretty frank about how I don’t really incorporate timing into my magical paradigm, that’s because this “battery” trick was one of the first methods that I figured out for myself after the death of my childhood teacher. Because I’ve been doing it for so long I admit that I find it hard to detail the process in words, it’s like explaining in words how to walk or ride a bike, so I’m going to just explain my basic theory and leave it up to you guys to work out how the details work on an individual level. I use this basic method for storing my own energies when I have excess (rare) for use when I feel depleted (more common, thanks to chronic illnesses and pain), storing important/interesting energies for later use, even for short term housing of spirits as part of the “catch and release” relocation aspect of the house “cleansings” I do. We’re going to focus mostly on the first two for the purposes of this post.
Storing Your Own Energy:
This is the logical place to start if you ask me, it’s basically just an energy work exercise. Before you start get an object that you want to be your battery, I have tried all sorts of objects and haven’t found much variation in quality or ease of operation based on what object I chose, so I recommend just picking something obvious, something that you won’t forget that you charged up with a bunch of energy, or better yet, something that you can label - or put in a container with a label.
Making the battery itself is rather simple, building off of my other energy exercises:
Get comfortable holding the object that will serve as your battery. Some people believe that their energies flow better through one hand than the other, if this is your paradigm, hold the object in that hand, if not I find both hands work well.
Collect your personal energy into a tightly condensed core, and pull just a little bit away from the rest and send it down one arm or the other and into the object.
Once the connection is established you can feed a little bit more at a time, though be careful not to feed too much at a time or you may find yourself feeling drained.
Once the object is “full”, disconnect your thread of energy from it and tuck it back into your core. You can now store your full energy battery away until you need it.
*I don’t really have a good way to describe how to know when a battery is getting “full,” it’s just a sort of intuitive/instinctive feeling that I get. Usually 15-20 minutes of unbroken concentration on charging is enough to fill a battery enough to power a standard spell for me. This is something that everyone trying this is going to need to experiment with to get a feel for.
Storing Foreign Energies:
This is how I ignore timing and spatial limitations in my spell work. Let’s say I want to use the energy of a certain natural occurrence, like a thunderstorm, or of a certain place like the Mississippi River, or my college campus, but I don’t want to wait for a storm or until I can physically get to such a place. Instead I collect batteries of such energies whenever the opportunity presents itself. Then whenever I want to work some storm energies, or Mississippi energies, or college energies, into a spell I can draw on that battery regardless of where I am or what the weather is.
The bulk of the process is the same, but first I draw the energy through myself, the same way I do when channeling an entity.
Open your mind/awareness to the energies you want to put in a battery.
Pull the energy into yourself and through yourself and just like above into the object that is going to serve as the battery using the method above.
*For this I like to use objects somehow tied to the energy I’m storing as the physical component of the battery - vials of rainwater for the thunderstorm, rocks found in the location that I want to store the energy of. I find the sympathetic link keeps the energy fresher and more vibrant for longer.
Using a battery in spell work for me is just like using my own personal energy, or any other energy source for that matter. It's just that when using a battery I happen to know in advance exactly what energy and how much of it is available to me. I will say that I don' like to use batteries for spells that I expect to need long term or in perpetuity, unless I have enough batteries of the same kind that I can cycle them through the spell to keep the energy level consistent. Instead I like them for quick burst spells or spells with a medium duration at best.
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i keep hearing over and over the word steadfast, that the people of palestine are a steadfast people. so i have this going around in my head when i started seeing messages calling on people to mass call/email/fax their reps to keep the pressure on about palestine.
And I thought, y'all i am stubborn as hell. if you are stubborn as hell, or petty as hell and don't let shit go...we need you now. We need to alchemize these traits into steadfastness.
i am calling my representatives to let them know that this will not stand. that palestine will be free. that they are complicit in genocide and i am not gonna forget it and i am not gonna let the people around me forget it either. that tens of thousands of innocent civilians have died and the blood is on their hands. there are far better ways to do activism and movement work, but we all gotta start somewhere and i'm a chronically ill bedbound person so i am doing what i can from here. all our tiny actions add up. we can only change things together. we cannot say we are not complicit, we cannot turn away. we demand a real and lasting ceasefire. we demand an end to the genocide.
there can be no more business as usual. we have to ride this wave and see where it takes us (a lot of places, did you know that palestinians are being surveilled by the same tech used to monitor the US border for example?). All struggle for freedom is connected.
We cannot let this stand.
please, send emails, faxes, calls to your representatives. They are counting on us all having a holiday and buying some shit and forgetting all about the Palestinian people.
yesterday I saw a video of a child saying how beautiful it was to be outside without the hum of drones. According to the video description, Gaza has not been without predator drones buzzing overhead in 17 years. This kid has never heard what it is to just be outdoors without their constant presence.
Today I am taking every step i can for him. If you can go out and join an action physically, do so. If you can't, call and email and share information wherever possible. Educate your friends and family. Now is the time to decide the kind of person you want to be in the face of genocide and settler colonialism.
#free palestine#gaza#from the river to the sea#israeli apartheid#israeli occupation#ceasefire now#palestine
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AITA for being upset at my mom?
🎵🎵 (to find it)
I know it's not a real big deal, but it's starting to get upsetting. English is not my first language and im on mobile sl sorry about that.
Okay, so my(20f) mother (F mid40s) suffer from long covid. Her symptoms consist of chronic fatigue, short breath, join pain and brain fog. (I still live home because im a college student, and finding an appartment in this market is hell)
We've been really supportive of her :
I drive most of the time, and my sister(16f) has her apprentice driver license, so she drives for mom when im at school; when we go to the mall and she need to take a break to breath, i always offer to go get her a wheelchair, or going to get the car, she sleeps a lot in the day so we don't make noise, i bought her loops earplug for sleeping, etc.
We're are used to it and my dad (mid40s too) work 12 hours a day to compensate for the money we're losing with mom on sickleave (where we live we have job insurance and etc): he starts at 5:30am to 6pm, and i usually only see him in the evening, so the only time we really are together as a family is during the evening meal.
There is where i could be the a-hole:
Since mom got long covid, it takes more time for her to respons us, and her memory isnt as good as it was (shes well known in her workplace, she a well respected manager who takes great care of her employees). It's just, almost every night, when me or my sister or even my dad are telling a something that happened in our day, she always cut us to say something, like :don't forget to put this in that, or just to say something she did that day over our own story, or asking me to bring her water in the middle of my sister's sentences (which she could have waited for after she was done).
So we, someone different each time, always tell her "X was speaking, you just cut them, and you do this often, please let them finish" and, well, when it happens everytime i am (or my sister) is trying to say something, it get upsetting. And she always uses the same reasons: "we're a family and we're cohabiting, sometime we talk over you but still listen to you" (no she doesn’t, i have to tell her a million times the same fucking thing and she always forget) or "you know my mind is a little slow right now, i'll forget if i don't say it" or she gets upset because we're annoyed by it.
But god forbid if you cut her! She'll raise her tone, and still doesn't get why we're upset.
Like, i get it, she got long covid and it's a bitch to deal with the way your cognitive capabilities slow down with the fatigue, but we've been extremely helpful (and im still gonna be, because she's my mother) and her allowing herself to lack respect towards us doesn't excuse her because she's ill. At least this is how i see it?
At this point i dont really know if i can feel upset? Like, she's my mom, and she's ill (and it's really depressing seeing her this put down by the symptoms i don't wish it to anyone) but im just so tired to have to restart the same sentence four or five time because she keep interrupting me
So, aita?
What are these acronyms?
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prompt: you’ve been feeling under the weather, and Byakuya fears the worst
It felt very awkward. Sitting here, in a thin robe, on a lofted table, waiting for the doctor to come back.
You had been very fortunate in your life to not be bothered with much ailment or injury. So, your experience with doctors was limited. Recently, however, you had been feeling more and more run down. Chronic headaches. Sudden bouts of dizziness when you stood up too quickly. You had brushed it all off, attributing it all to working too hard. But when you woke up and suddenly vomited even before breakfast, Byakuya had had enough and called for a physician.
“You really didn’t have to take off work.” You comment during the lull. Your husband sitting beside your table, stoic as ever, as you both waited on the doctor.
“Renji can handle it for a day.”
“You’re going to be sorry when it’s nothing and he’s burned the place down.” You reply maliciously.
“I would still like to stay.”
You huff and cross your arms. There was no get out of this.
Although you found this all incredibly tedious, Byakuya had made up his mind and that was that. You supposed it was just easier to humor him than anything else, but it was still so frustrating to waste time sitting here and being treated like a child.
The door opened and the doctor came in. You have half a mind to ask him what took so long. Since he was the private physician of the Kuchiki family, it wasn’t like he had other clients to see, but you decide against it.
“So what’s the diagnosis?”
“Well, first, let me assure you that it’s nothing to worry about.” He replied, with an off-putting grin that made your skin crawl. “This is a very common condition for couples. I’m surprised you haven’t come to me with this issue sooner.” Both you & Byakuya look confused and irritated by the doctor’s cryptic nature. He coughed once and apparently decided to be professional. “Lady Kuchiki is with child. Fairly early based on the symptoms and standard tests, but let me be the first to congratulate you both on an heir to the Kuchiki line!”
There was a loud ringing in your ears. Pregnant. Pregnant? You were pregnant. You were pregnant right now. Sitting here, in this moment, right now, you were pregnant.
“I’ll leave you two alone to talk.” You barely register what the doctor was saying, but the snap of the door hitting the frame seemed to break you out of your spell.
“Well….that is something…” You feel a hand wrap around yours in your lap. Feeling it shake against you.
You turn your head towards your husband whose other hand was covering his eyes. His lower face twisted in pain. A single tear escaping. “…Byakuya?”
“I’m so relieved.”
The sound of grief in his voice when he choked out those words almost made your heart stop.
You forget sometimes about Hisana, his first wife. Her picture was still in the shrine, along with his parents & grandfather, but Byakuya doesn’t like to talk about her. On the rare occasion he does it’s only ever about how she liked plum blossoms, and his guilt on not being able to save her from her illness.
Suddenly you felt very selfish. You had been fighting about going to a doctor for a simple examination, all the while Byakuya was probably terrified his worst fear was happening again.
You slid off the table in a single hop and come around to in front of Byakuya to wrap him in your arms. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think about how this might be affecting you.” His arms wrap around your waist in return. Holding you tight. As if he needed to know you were there. “But…this is a good thing. We can be happy now. We know what’s wrong and…we’re having a child.”
“A child.” Byakuya repeated. A dampness was felt on your robe when he pulled away from your breast. Yet somehow, he looked as he always did when he turned up at you. “We have a child.”
“Your family will be so pleased.” You jest as you stroked his long hair. “I’ve finally fulfilled my destiny to the Kuchiki line. My life is complete.”
“Nonsense.”
His muttering was a testament to how little he cared about his extended family’s opinion. Duty and honor aside, he cared very little about anyone’s input than you and Rukia. And soon, you supposed, your child.
“Can we go now?” You ask now that you have gotten your answers. “It still all hasn’t sunk in, and I’d like to be at home in our rooms in case I spontaneously burst into tears.”
Byakuya smiled, then leaned up to give you a kiss before he stood to leave the room. Respecting your privacy and modesty.
You change out of the drafty robe provided and back into your clothes. Catching site of your form in a mirror and get a mental flash of it changed from what it was now to one swollen and heavy with child. You quickly finish dressing and make an insistence for Byakuya to take you home. Before the tears started.
#byakuya kuchiki#byakuya x reader#kuchiki byakuya#bleach#bleach scenarios#bleach imagines#byakuya scenarios#scenarios#imagine#bleach x reader#bleach x you#bleach tybw#hisana kuchiki
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Do You Ever Just Forget How To Do Hypnosis?
Not even joking. This isn't some sort of shit-post I promise, but sometimes with ADHD brain going brrrr I will get into my hypnosis thing whether it be a script or a live scene and my brian will just go:
"hey are you sure you actually remember how to do hypnosis?"
So the question is, how do we combat this feeling? Because let's be honest it's one that is not rational nor required when you are tisting on the regular and like me have a busy work schedule of giving people the hypnosis feels. (As a quick side note, in a scene with a trusted partner it would be hot af to have your ability to "fight back" with hypnosis taken away, especially if you were both switches with sticky fingers and brains, but I'm going to pocket that for another time...)
Step one: Take a break!
I'm not even kidding. I know when my battery is dead energy wise I am more prone to this kind of thinking. Maybe you are tired or overworked as a dominant/top (the person doing the hypnosis doesn't always have to be dominant). I know people who can literally do scene after scene after scene, and that has never been me. I literally went three years without hypnotizing anyone outside of making audios and livestreaming, including my wife, because I was chronically ill and just worn down. You can't be a super tist if you aren't taking care of yourself. So, take a break. Look after yourself. If you aren't doing that it could be a sign that burnout is coming, or approaching and you need to protect yourself. Never be afraid to say "that's enough". Many times I've hit my limit not only long term but mid scene as a Domme. It's okay and it's very normal and I wish we spoke about it more.
Step two: Try something new!
Sometimes, I get stuck in a rut of doing the same thing over and over. I love repetition and conditioning using it is fun but wow, it can get boring for everyone. So this feeling could be a sign it's time to read some smut, listen to some audios, read the blogs and try something new. It might not work, but it might also be the best thing you've ever done. Recently I also have been sending tiny audios to friends based on whims or ideas I've been thinking of. This is a great way to test something new, low stakes, and play around. I also recommend having people you can talk to. I love to befriend other hypnosis creators and community members because not only are they just "built different" and fun to be around but also I can hear them talk about their passions, which reignites mine and we can pool ideas.
Set three: Read some resources!
Education is so important in this scene. Now that doesn't mean do what I did and go to a certifcation course, I don't think people outside of people wanting to be a professional hypnotist should do this. But it is important to refresh your knowledge and not be afraid to learn. Now I am an ex-teacher so I am biased as hell about the importance of education, but, it's not hard to upgrade your skills with a little education. Mind Play is a great book, I always recommend it for being simple to read. Go to a class at a convention or locally (they have them online too so you can access them even in places far away like New Zealand). Join a hypnosis discord with discussion rooms or groups. Talk to others about their experiences. Watch a YouTube video on hypnosis. Listen to podcasts about it. These are all educational tools for upgrading your skills and even if like me you've been doing this for an eternity (or what feels like it) you can still refresh your skills and maybe you might learn something that helps get you out of that funk.
So these are just some of the things that help when my brain decides to gaslight me into thinking I am terrible at this. I know this is never going to be one side fits all but I think it's important to talk about imposter syndrome from all sides of the watch.
Have you ever felt like this? And if so what did you do about it? I'd love to keep this conversation going!
-Secret
#hypnok1nk#content creation#hypnosis community#secret subject#just musings I guess#some sort of hypnosis essay
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Feedback Fest 2024
Ao3 is hosting a Feedback Fest for International Fanworks Day! The goal here is to recommend 10 fanworks. I never make rec lists, but let's try this out.
These are not in any particular order, and hardly an exhaustive list of fics that I have read and enjoyed. If we went back through my history there would be too many.
List is under the cut.
Just a Kid by AHeartforStories (@howtowhumpyourhiccup)
Fandom: How to Train Your Dragon
Rated: mature
Warnings: graphic depictions of violence
Relationships:
Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III & Toothless
Astrid & Fishlegs & Hiccup & Ruffnut & Snotlout & Tuffnut
Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III & Stoick the Vast
Gobber the Belch & Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
Dagur the Deranged & Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
Alvin the Treacherous & Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
Word Count: 248,402
Summary: A Httyd Zombie AU set in the modern world. There are dragons.
At 15, Hiccup believes his biggest struggles are teachers who won't stop hounding him for his grades, a father who doesn't quite listen to him, or how unpopular he is at school. Every regular teenager's worst nightmare, right?
But then a new and mysterious illness that's been rapidly spreading amongst the populace takes a surprising turn and the day comes Hiccup wishes his former daily struggles had been the only struggles he would have to deal with.
He is, after all, just a kid.
My Thoughts: This story has everything! It’s got full and fleshed out relationships between the characters. The character dynamics are just so good. It’s got dragons! A modern zombie AU with dragons is such a cool concept, and it was executed so well. I have yet to finish reading it, but I’ve enjoyed each and every chapter of this. (I think I left off on chapter 25.) The emotions are so real and so in character, and the events of the story are bold and exciting! I really love this fic.
The Storm Passes by AHeartforStories (@howtowhumpyourhiccup)
Fandom: How to Train Your Dragon
Rated: general audiences
Warnings: none
Relationships: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III/Astrid Hofferson
Word Count: 521
Summary: Set after THW, the dragons never left. Hiccup’s pain has been mostly minimal, but the odd day does come when the pain comes and can only leave on its own. On those days, it’s nice to just have someone be there for him.
My Thoughts: A fic that understands chronic pain to an intimate degree? Hell yes! I love fics that deal with Hiccup most likely having chronic pain from his amputation. It just makes sense, you know? So well written, and such a depth of understanding. I have it downloaded on multiple devices because it’s a favorite.
Switching Like a Lever by Lillith Loves Viggo (@lilliths-httyd-blog
Fandom: How to Train Your Dragon
Rated: mature
Warnings: graphic depictions of violence
Relationships: Viggo Grimborn & Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
Word Count: 818
Summary: Viggo can't decide whether to kill Hiccup or nurture him.
My Thoughts: Oh my god, this one is so excellent. It really shows how cognitive dissonance and conflicting emotions work! It shows the inner conflict in Viggo and the outer conflict between Viggo and Hiccup so well. They have quite the dynamic in canon, and this fic really just delves into it. Love it.
Seeds of Doubt by mushroomwizzard157 (@thedragon-and-hisboy)
Fandom: How to Train Your Dragon
Rated: teen
Warnings: graphic depictions of violence
Relationships: gen
Word Count: 8,320
Summary: Alvin's latest attempt at kidnapping Hiccup to train his dragons has succeeded due to temporarily incapacitating Stoick. Now, the guilt and shame of allowing his son to be taken from him is growing inside Stoick like a sickly plant. He must overcome his emotions to save Hiccup before it is too late.
My Thoughts: Okay, I really love this fic. Hiccup whump with Stoick angst? Always a treat! Love it when those two get to suffer. The symbolism is utterly fantastic, and I love the ending. This whole thing is genius.
Choosing to Forget by mandolindoodler (@mdoodlerfandomart)
Fandom: How to Train Your Dragon
Rated: teen
Warnings: creator chose not to use archive warnings
Relationships: Viggo Grimborn/Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
Word Count: 27,390
Summary: Viggo thinks Hiccup has amnesia and Hiccup isn’t about to correct him anytime soon.
My Thoughts: An unfinished masterpiece. The concept is so different and interesting from other Vigcup stories I’ve read, and the dynamic between Hiccup and Viggo is just so good. I also really like how fleshed out the Dragon Hunters are in this. Hell, this story even has me liking Ryker! Great story. So, so good.
Terms of Agreement by @violet-moonstone
Fandom: How to Train Your Dragon
Rated: explicit
Warnings: creator chose not to use archive warnings
Relationships:
Dagur the Deranged/Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III & Heather
Word Count: 15,919
Summary: When Heather learns that her brother is attracted to Hiccup, she convinces her friend to flirt with Dagur to distract him during fights. But as Hiccup gets closer to the Berserker, he finds himself in a situation that is much more than he bargained for...
My Thoughts: Oh my gosh, I adored this fic! I remember taking screenshots of some of the dialogue and internal monologues and posting them because I enjoyed them so much. Everything was so perfectly in character. It was funny and sweet and hot. Excellent fic.
and the universe is forgetting you by exhaustedwerewolf
Fandom: Teen Wolf
Rated: teen
Warnings: creator chose not to use archive warnings
Relationships: Claudia Stilinski & Stiles Stilinski
Word Count: 1,706
Summary: So, Stiles thinks, as distantly as he can, examining the thought like it’s something cold and unalive that he can turn over in his hands. His… or more accurately, "this," body.
(Whoever’s it is.)
This body will be new again in seven years.
-
Stiles' old body, and his new one. Things that are permanent, things that aren't, and his lack of a say in any of it.
My Thoughts: Pure poetry. That’s what I have to say about this fic. It was so beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes. I read it years ago, and years later I am still thinking about it. It touched me so deeply. I just adore it.
No Such Liberty by Xparrot
Fandom: The Avengers, Thor
Rated: teen
Warnings: none
Relationships: Loki & Thor
Word Count: 147,316
Summary: The first thing Loki said, after he had swiped his tongue over his lips to wet them, was, "You shouldn't trust me."
~
Following the attack on New York, Thor takes Loki back to Asgard in chains; but this does not mean that the god of mischief's schemes are ended, or that Thor has or ever will give up on his brother. But when Thanos threatens the realm to claim his lost prizes, on which side will Loki fall?
My Thoughts: I read this right after the first Avengers movie, and oh my god, it was such a gem to find! It has absolutely stellar interactions between the characters and a war with Thanos that actually makes sense. Like, this was an incredible story. I was so glad when I found the ao3 version so that I could download it and keep it. (Fanfiction.net, where I first read it, is fleeting.)
Deathless by Lif61 (@lifblogs)
Fandom: Supernatural
Rated: mature
Warnings: graphic depictions of violence
Relationships: gen
Word Count: 194,248
Summary: While sorting through the artifacts kept by the Men of Letters, Sam happens across a mysterious and powerful amulet. As he is pushed into using its dark powers he is forced to face his traumatizing past and forge the way into a possibly more terrifying future.
My Thoughts: I was reading this fic when season 11 was coming out, and I kept confusing the events in the fic with the events in the show. I would be like: “Wait, wait… I thought that happened in canon.” That’s how good this fic is. It intertwines with canon so well while being its own, fully-fleshed out story. The buildup was interesting and the battles were fantastic. I love the chapter about Ivan. I just… *clenches fist* loved it. Really excellent fic!
The Sins of Heaven by Lif61 (@lifblogs)
Fandom: Supernatural
Rated: explicit
Warnings: graphic depictions of violence, rape/non-con, underage
Relationships:
Castiel/Dean Winchester
Jack Kline/Anael
Jack Kline/Original Female Character(s)
Jack Kline/Original Male Character(s)
Word Count: 164,627
Summary: After running away from home, Jack is kidnapped by angels who want to use him to repopulate Heaven's dying forces.
My Thoughts: This fic was started for me as a really fucked up birthday present, and oh boy, did it deliver. I got like, multiple presents out of this one! It was so messed up, but in the most satisfying way possible. I loved it. I loved it so much. Thank you so much, sis!
#international fanworks day#ifd#feedback fest 2024#feedback fest#ao3#fanfiction#fic rec list#fic recs
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Depression's a bitch. If you haven't experienced it for yourself - good. Keep it that way. If you have, you might be able to read the last story parts of Lone Trail and draw some measure of solace from them, the knowledge that whoever was writing it Got It.
There's more I have to say about this below but I don't want to be too much of a bother so let's see if I get this line break thing to work right.
Lone Trail is a strong event all around but it is without any doubt at its strongest when it grapples with the themes of isolation, loneliness and alienation that isn't (just) the simple absence of physical comfort from the presence of another human being.
It's this, the isolated alienation from everyone and everything around you that is core to many - not all, it never is the same for everyone - depressive expressions for people around the world. That constant feeling of being stuck behind a glass wall, able to see how things could be, how things should be, but not being able to actually get there.
This feeling, it often and easily leads to raging against a fate that is hard to see as anything but a crippling defect. It makes you wish you could feel nothing, rather than feel like that. To be a thing of clockwork, simple cause and effect.
In those moments, it is also altogether too easy to ask yourself "but what is life worth, then?" and in the depths of that depression not being able to come up an answer. It is an illness, depression, it is maladaptive.
When I read this, I was almost giddy. Someone McFucking Got It.
It is no less than my answer to struggle with chronic illnesses. That this is not just, that this is not fair, that this is not good, but that it simply *is*, and that my life experience is not inherently lessened or less worthy for it.
It is being able to put your faith in other people who offer a helping hand and trust their perception - of you, or your situation - over your own, no matter how improbable or implausible or even stupid their assessment is (or seems to be. Never forget: Depression is a chronic illness that severely and negatively warps your ability to self-assess.)
There is no grand fanfare for getting it right, either. There's no miracle cure. Life goes on, and we all age in real time.
But it answers the question of "what is life worth, then?". Living, existing, being, continuing on in the face of often very literal pain or metaphorical leaden weights on your heart and shoulders, it is in and of itself good enough. One might not like their life, but it is still worth living.
And I am glad to see that in Arknights, too. To see someone cut off from their culture, their former friends and their dreams, who is on the very literal threshold of giving in to their suicidal ideation, taking the plunge and putting their faith and trust in the assessment of someone else and manages to keep going and keep living.
(But also: "What is life worth, then?" is the wrong question, anyways. Worth is a construct that has no place put next to the full braid of experiences that go into making up a human life.)
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alarmingly long hanahaki au jaya. i hurt jay quite a bit in this. this is a product of 4 straight days of insanity. im SO ILL. ABOUT JAYA. IF YOU MAKE IT TO THE END OF THIS. I COMMEND YOU. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME IN ADVANCE.
once again adapted from a twitter thread. its. like 165 tweets long. yeah. yeah. im lazy so its gonna be mostly copy pasted and lightly edited so if it sounds like im talking to myself I WAS. AND I WAS DOING IT FOR FOUR DAYS.
anyways heres the start.
-
so hanahaki.... jaya.... season 3...... jay is absolutely the guy who gets hanahaki theres absolutely no doubt about that like absolutely none. but the world building tho... how should i handle it.... i want it to be canon compliantish. and more importantly. when should i give him symptoms. what would be most interesting
sure. i could give him hanahaki after he find out about nyas perfect match. but haha
what if he get petals earlier tho.
he doesnt understand why at first, why jay starts coughing up petals, he and nya are dating and in love. there shouldnt be any reason for it. its not bad yet so he just ignores it really hard or thinks he mustve gotten a weird strain because theres now way he has normal hanahaki because theres No Way! haha
so when he hears the truth there in his parents trailer, the roots around his lungs constrict and he cant tell the pain apart from his heart breaking in two. his chest hurts so much and he sees cole and just goes ballistic
just imagine. what thats like for him. hes mad but its a secondary response to the heartbreak. hes had signs literally inside all along but to actually find out? like this? jay cant take it
haha. the double date would suck so much HAHA. he holds it in through the whole duration of the movie but when its over he vomits full flowers in the bathroom
ive been mulling over the worldbuilding of hanahaki in this au of mine. i thinking i want it to be a departure from the standard hanahaki worldbuilding thats in fics. just slightly. mostly regarding the fatality and maybe treatments........ i think i want jay to have hanahaki the whole time until skybound. and so i think im gonna have to make hanahaki nonlethal. but kinda like chronic pain. if you cant let go of that love
im partially adopting another fics worldbuilding but i like the idea you can recover on your own if you simply fall out of love. its easier and less damaging the earlier you give up on the love. the roots atrophy and fade and theres not that much scarring. you can easily recover
but you know...... its jay. hes not gonna let it go. he cant. he loves nya.... i think he hides his affliction tho... because he knows nya doesnt want to get back together. and he doesnt want to look you know.... pathetic? desperate? overly clingy?
“you still hasnt gotten over nya?” “dude come on.” “give it up.” he doesnt want to hear it from the others. because he doesnt want to.
but also he wants to save face in front of nya. hes scared itll drive her even further away. his heart cant take more of that. this distance hurts enough
so for months.............. he suffers the pain of one sided love. quietly. pretending that nothing is wrong and that jay is okay with them just being friends. of course jay could choose to surgically remove the hanahaki.... but he doesnt want to do that
i think im gonna keep a bit of the amnesia worldbuilding standard fics have. but im not gonna have it so that artificially removing the hanahaki makes you forget the person you love. no.... just the love that you felt. i think jay doesnt want to lose his love for nya..... also not being able to fall in love with nya scares him. hes just that fucking attached to her. he has it bad man. dude has attachment issues. hes so clingy.
anyways. jay chooses to suffer. because hes that badly in love
jay self medicates on over the counter cough suppressants thats meant for the cold and more normal sickness. works surprisingly well. not ideal tho. he also fills his pockets with cough drops and sometimes makes himself sick when he accidentally eats too much on bad days
he gets sick of them. the sweet icky taste and menthol nausea but he doesnt have that many better ways to deal. its just a temporary fix too. considering that coughing is his body's natural way to get rid of the petals. and hes just letting them sit in his lungs
periodically he has to stay hunched over a trashcan to clear out the petals and yes its an awful experience every time. it becomes routine. the petals scratch his throat on the way out and he gets into tea to soothe the irritation. he becomes a regular at mistake's
in general, his ability to breathe starts to decline and he gets winded so much more easily. the plants in his chest limit his airflow and also steals the oxygen from his lungs. his chest is tight always and aches like theres thick needles lodged in his chest. those are the roots
usually its manageable. but it becomes harder to fight. battles usually end up leaving him wheezing. one of the guys teases him about it. that hes slacking and getting out of shape. he sidesteps that convo tho and brushes them off. he certainly cant be honest
im a sadist so im gonna making him pass out after one fairly vigorous battle. one which he has to push himself harder to make it out alive. so hard that his lungs cant keep up with the rest of his body and even when he gets himself to a safe corner or clearing, no amount of breaths is enough and he just blacks out. he eventually comes to a worried face shaking him awake. ill figure out who and when this is set later. either way they just assume jay got knocked out even though they cant find any wounds. theyre relieved he seems fine
but that was very bad. super duper bad for jay tho. he cant let that happen again. but these kinds of things are out of his control tho. but he just has to deal.
things comes to a head in skybound. i think itll be most dramatic if nya finds out in the lighthouse. after she rescues them and they successfully flee. when they settle and in moment jay cant hide he coughs out a gross mass of petals
and nya has a slow step by step realization of the implications. but before all that happens tho. nadakhan. i dont think he knew jay had hanahaki when he first targeted him. maybe. this point might change
but as it is, for the thought i have, nadakhan learns when jays meds wears off, and hes not even able to pop in a cough drop his mouth. and he vomits a messy slurry of petals onto the wooden floorboards of the deck. its EXTREMELY FUNNY to nadakhan, he mocks jay for it! he has hanahaki! that is so tragic! to think jay has known his love was utterly unrequited and yet he tried so hard to win her back. but it was all a hopeless, desperate, pathetic endeavor. so nya truly doesnt love jay, hm? so shes single and free for the taking. no hard feelings, then, when they marry
up on the ship, he coughs up so many flowers. he doesnt get enough sleep from the persistent coughing. and passes out multiple times, for a collection of reasons. from being knocked out, exhaustion, apnea, running out of breath after several matches of scrap n tap
i think it would be really sad and pathetic if there one incident where he chokes on a flower. and he cant cough it out and he thinks gonna die for reals. a pirate helps him out only to add insult to injury (and to torment him more to pull a wish out of him, hes better off alive than dead)
when hes rescued by his friends, theres no flowers around so none of his friends suspect. jay manages to keep the petals in his mouth, catching them behind his teeth, and swallows them back in. he coughs pretty bad but they all think he just got really sick. he looks awful after all
but thats of course only up until the lighthouse. ive been contemplating about how nya handles it all...... how she feels......... what is the most satisfying route here is much more trickier to figure out than just a fixit skybound au.......
feelings are trickier and much more loaded........ the revelation certainly isnt going to be an easy thing for nya to swallow..... but lighthouse talk has so much potential....... jay might be honest for once..... because he has to be.... forced to be!
ngl lighthouse part of skybound has been super elevated in my head by favorite skybound fic so my perceptions of it and my own take on it for this au is probably going to be influenced by that. not in the sense im copying scenes but in the sense of like. oh yeah writer IS right, lighthouse ep TOTALLY has the massive potential for big feels and honesty. and revealing trauma/hurt feels. anyways. let me talk a bit about nya and the little dilemma i have.....
so like...... nyas part in the story is so tricky to handle.... because she entirely determines the ending of this story. much more so than in the original canon.....
because the crux of this story is the love between nya and jay... the lack of thereof from nya and the undying love from jay. hanahaki. unrequited love. the story is not just about jay making mistakes and being flawed as a person and being tested as a person and learning and growing his mistakes
in this au, the focus is specifically on his love for nya and how hes willing to hang onto it for so long despite how much it literally hurts him. love hurts. its barely even worth it. but to jay it is. this story is driven by his love. however how it ends all depends on nya.....
and heres the thing.... i know the way the "romance" in skybound was resolved was..... whats the word..... forced? it was insufficiently developed.... i cant recall the exact word i wanna use but it was just. tacked on. nyas change of heart kinda came out of nowhere....
nyas line in the lighthouse before she pushed jay through the portal is honestly inconsistent with her characterization that season up to the point. shes really didnt seem like she loved jay back at all. its entirely because the writers didnt write in those feelings
it takes a bit of creative thinking and interpretation to make jays and nyas get together at the end of the season work. you have to fill in the gaps of the romance yourself if you want it and want it to make sense and have it be satisfying
what i do for my fix it interpretation of canon is that nya didnt actually stop loving jay entirely in s3 breakup arc. instead i choose to think is that nyas desire for independence simply grew stronger enough to eclipse her love for jay
also i like to think nya liked jay more casually than he loves her so it was easier to break off their relationship. if youve seen my dream divorce ot3 slowburn get together break up get together fic (concept) (that only exactly two people know what im talking about). and also string of fate au. ESPECIALLY IN STRING OF FATE AU. then you know. my take on them. ANYWAYS.
the problem i have for this au is that i cant do that. i cant use that same interpretation to have them get together again. it doesnt work. because in this au.........nya really did fall out of love for jay. and having them get together again just like canon isnt.......satisfying
its tricky..... because to make nya fall in love with jay now after she learns he has hanahaki..... if im not careful ill be doing the same thing that the writers are doing. writing a careless romance solely because i want them to be together
and i DO want them to be together again.... but it requires a considerate approach if i really do want it. here..... the situation is this..... nya finds out jays has truly been in love with her for months STILL. and its bad enough he got hanahaki. i think she might feel uncomfortable about that. its unwanted love you know? being the object of someones desires still after you long broke up with them. she has moved on but jay hasnt? its super awkward for her...... but also...............
jay knows that. nya isnt stupid. she realizes that jay knows that and thats exactly why he kept it from her in the first place....... shes also uncomfortable because... jay is suffering because of her. she broke it off with him but its not like she doesnt care about jay
no she still does. jay is still someone important to her. hes not just some ex. hes still a friend.... and her heart aches seeing jay suffer. her heart twists realizing that jay has been suffering this whole time on his own and she had no idea.
and it was out of consideration for her. its not entirely her fault jay has hanahaki..... but also she does feel a little bit responsible. sure jay messed up a lot recently and all of it is because he wanted to get back together with her and she doesnt like that.... but also..
learning about it put some things into perspective for her. like shes uncomfortable but jay has been hurt and is genuinely hurting still and she doesnt want to hurt him more and she wants to be gentle. so she starts thinking first. before she proceeds to deal with feelings
and so she starts really thinking about it. she was mad. she was mad jay kept so many secrets from them and endangered them all. and that he was STILL attached to her after all this time. shes still a little mad about that but also its subsiding a bit now....
if she really thinks about it.... jay had been respecting their break and her boundaries up until recently. in fact she only found out now, months later. jay actually did do a pretty good job of hiding those feelings. and not only that... his hanahaki.
that. she doesnt fucking understand how jay kept that a secret. ITS HANAHAKI. HOW DID HE HIDE IT FROM EVERYONE. ITS THE MOST VISIBLE DISEASE. maybe she did notice jay smothering a cough or clearing his throat every so often but to think it was hanahaki this entire time......
....when did it start even...? she can only assume that it was around their breakup. they eventually have a talk. a really important one that jay cant run away from. it takes a bit for jay to be fully honest and tell her that he started spitting petals when they were still together
she becomes mortified by that fact. and what that means. and she gains a bit of perspective of how the perfect match debacle looked from jays perspective. she really was.... a terrible girlfriend during all that huh.... to nya it felt like a clean break..... but to jay.... it left him pretty raw.
it didnt hit nya until know how much jay was hurt by the breakup even without considering the hanahaki. jay still loves her despite her cheating on him and making him fight over her because she couldnt decide? it seems that jay doesnt even care about that. doesnt even think she was a terrible girlfriend at the end of their relationship when she very much was. something is deeply wrong with jay (he loves her too much). jay hadnt been the best...... he had been really selfish and self centered. esp with the whole wish thing
but she comes to a realization that she was being really self centered too. its unfair for her to criticize jay for that when the very beginning of it all was because of nyas own selfishness. its unfair for jay to break up over something so stupid like a match making machine
of course part of it was still on jay. he should have still let go. you cant have a relationship in which only one person is in love. but.... she couldve gone about it in a better way. a way that wouldnt have hurt jay so much at the very least
he has apologized for everything involving nadakhan and keeping secrets.... maybe taking on more blame than he should.... nya owes jay an apology too. so at the very least she gives him a proper one. for her own faults
but she doesnt know how to fix jays hanahaki tho...... and to be honest? neither does jay. he tells her this. despite everything he didnt want to force her to love him. he didnt want to guilt her back into a relationship. he didnt want her to give him her pity also
thats part of the reason why he kept it a secret. he wanted to *win* her back. make himself more appealing so that nya would love him again. jay was super misguided in his approach and didnt understand why exactly nya broke up with him in the first place
but thats what he wanted... nyas genuine love. (im ignoring a tiny chip of canon for this. or im considering it a moment of weakness (jays dismay when he learns he cant wish for love). creative interpretation is that seeing his future in the mirror made him too hopeful and a bit desperate) anyways. jay is a hopeless romantic. who is extremely lovelorn. also hes chronically ill like literally. cut him a little slack
anyways anyways. i dont want nya to just get back together with him right after finding out about his hanahaki. its bad romance. it wont taste good. it wont be genuine.........
as it is...... of course theres multiple options................ but they arent all happy. and i do feel like. a story like this does need a happy ending..... it would be too sad if it remains unresolved. im just gonna talk about the ends that kinda suck first
most unsatisfying but technically still very plausible end: a standstill. nya cant do anything to help. she wants to but she cant return jays love. jay understands but decides keep living with the hanahaki. the two of them keep living in this awkward status quo, knowing.
eventually jays hanahaki gets too much for him to handle and he either dies or nya/the others take matters into their own hands and without his consent, send him to surgery bc hes dying. unethical maybe but they want him to live
its super awkward after that.... but things return to normal and they all forget about it except for nya, where it lays heavy in her mind forever. if he dies its just tragedy. i dont want this kinda of end
a potential good neutral end however can be one in which jay tries his best to simply move on. try to process his one sided love into something... different somehow. because he accepts that nya has fallen out of love with him. he has long accepted that.
but they talk........... and a lot happens (being pushed into the portal, the rest of skybound). and jay has a realization too. nya may not love him in the same way.... it doesnt mean she doesnt love him. she still cares deeply.....
she cares about him a lot as a friend. that love is still worth something. its..... its more than what jay thought nya felt about him. it honestly felt like their relationship get demoted all the way down back to acquaintances, at best coworkers. not technically. they were still friends. but jay felt a yawning distance between them after the break up. its one part nya distancing herself from jay after that whole disaster. its also another part jay keeping his distance so that nya doesnt learn about his hanahaki
whatever talk between them was either just ninja business, surface level casual conversations, or small talk. it was awkward but only when they dwelled on it... (and jay did dwell on it) but in the lighthouse they actually talk Talked about things... about them. and jay learns
nya sacrifices herself to save jay in the lighthouse and he realizes that he still matters to her. the everpresent tightness in his chest doesnt leave but it.... loosens. and he breathes easier for the first time in a while
he still wishes that nya and him could get together romantically. but something about his feelings changes. he feels less lovelorn somehow. his heart still yearns a little. but somehow he feels more okay. he hurts less
and once time turns back and jay and nya share this secret and finally properly reconcile after everything is done. the pain in his chest abates more and more as time goes on. hes not sure if hes exactly cured. but he can live without hurting now somehow
he learns how to live with his unrequited love. and more importantly he doesnt need his love to be requited anymore. because love is love you know? she doesnt love him romantically but she does still love him. and thats still good
they were always a little mismatched in their feelings for each other anyways. jay isnt settling for lesser. nyas love for him now is just different not less. and jay accepts that. and hes content that they managed to fix them. their relationship. hes okay and happy
his own feelings... he doesnt know if they changed themselves also like nyas has. he doesnt feel like his love has changed. but the nature of it mightve become more ambiguous. and it doesnt matter anyways. he loves nya and that will never change
hmmmm i think this became less of a neutral end and more just an unrequited good end. and accidentally poured so much aro juice into it oh my god? i had a good requited end thought up kinda also before this end i just talked about the end first bc i wanted to talk about requited end last
i kinda came to really like good unrequited end........ im still gonna talk about good requited end tho. i kinda want opinions about which end is narratively the best..... even though i only have a confident audience of two
i think requited end is a bit more dramatic..... nya really doesnt know what to do. she broke it off with jay. she wants to fix him. she really wishes he didnt get hanahaki for *her* of all people....
whats so great about her anyways that he would live like this for months on end be just ok with it. she thinks if she was in jays shoes she would long moved on. she doesnt get what is worth the pain and risk
either way she doesnt want to date him out of pity. she distinctly has a feeling that wouldnt actually fix anything. and probably jay doesnt want that too. but also she cant fabricate love
she feels suffocated by just the prospect and it reminds nya about why she dumped jay in the first place. this whole thing reminds nya why she dumped him. jays love was always too much for her. smothering. of course he gets hanahaki. why is she even surprised. if anyone would, its jay. she doesnt want to resent him for it though. hes hurting because of it. and he spared it from nya up to this point and she only found out because jay couldnt help it. who knows how much longer he wouldve kept this secret
but as is. she doesnt know what to do. so they stay in the lighthouse awkwardly together. they were honest with each other but now what? .....actually. curing hanahaki can come later. they gotta focus on saving their friends and all of ninjago first before they can deal with them
HHMMMMMMMM....... i think despite knowing about how much jay love her.... she doesnt really... Get It. HOW he loves her i mean. quantity vs quality. when they were first dating, to her it was really casual. in my mind jay was first attracted to nya shallowly too
but then he fell deeper. more genuinely. and that contributed to a greater discrepancy between their level of affection. nya for the most part has been believing that jays obsession with her is because hes just too clingy and attached. and like he is. but.... its like the product of the intensity of the emotion you know? his love for her manifested in jay in a way that put nya off a little. contributed to the reason why nya dumped him all those months ago.... having a heart to heart gave her some perspective on what it has been like for jay but
thats different from Understanding you know? comprehending... seeing the depth... anyways... so jay had been acting too chivalrous up to that point right? and then nya learns about jays hanahaki and chalks up his behavior to him overcompensating...... a symptom even
nya thinks its just jay trying his best to win her back. she doesnt really have that many reasons to think otherwise. its whats consistent. this all happened because jay wanted them to get together again. whatever, she has decided that shes going to forgive jay for all that, needless acts of chivalry included. even tho. she really doesnt like that. calls it a force of habit and puts it aside. for more Important Things like taking care of jay and taking nadakhan Down
but then they get found and theyre scrambling fast to prepare for the attack and counterattack. they manage to fall into a frantic but familiar routine of collaborative repairs and fixes and asides from jays incessant coughing reminding nya that things are pretty awful.... its nice
she doesnt get to feel that way for long tho. their haven is raided and their prep wasnt enough, theyre struggling, theres way too many pirates and its just the two of them against what feels like an army and theyre on the way to losing and nadakhan is nowhere to be found
they try to stick together to have each others backs but they get separated anyways and they start doing even worse. im changing up the action scene btw. nya manages sweep a bunch of pirates away but doubloon is one of the ones that could actually put up a fight
meanwhile jay isnt fairing very well and maybe worse because he was already injured and also his hanahaki makes it really hard. he fights for his breath trying to hold his own. he gets fucking smashed by dogshank through the floor onto the stairwell below. all the air is knocked from him
and he legitimately cant breathe for a solid moment. hes wheezing and he coughs hard enough to vomit. he doesnt have his breath back when he looks up and sees nya panicking at the sight of him and shes distracted and jay sees doubloon take an opening
jay doesnt even breathe when he instantly fires a lightning bolt from prone towards doubloon. and hes already up and sprinting to nyas side to fill her blindspot.
hes on the cusp of an asthma attack, he can feel it, but he doesnt have the time to worry about it (as if he had any control over it) his chest is tight and his breaths are too shallow and it hurts but he pushes through it to protect nya. hes slipping though
assaulted from all sides, between doubloon and dogshank and all the pirates, jay knows theyre going to lose. mostly because of him. hes dragging the two of them down and why did he ever think the two of them had the chance and why did he ever think that nadakhan would even come (hes not gonna this turned into a full divergence now) and even if he wasnt flagging hard now, he can feel it his chest that hes going to pass out if this goes on for any longer and leave nya to fend for himself and get them both captured and he cant let that happen.
nya is at her wits fucking end she can feel them losing too and nya refuses to think about how at this rate both of them are going down, but she wont let them. but, among the harsh clangs of weapons, the rush of floods, and the cracks of lightning at jays fingertips,
through all this discord, at this proximity she can hear jays struggled breaths and its the most terrifying sound in the world. then suddenly shes shoved to the side and hears a crash and a cry and when nya looks jays sliced through by doubloons sword
then something glows by her feet and nya realizes what jay did. he broke the teapot. clutching at his wound, jay gives nya a strained smile. he says "sorry" and kicks her in before she can object. before the portal closes she watches jay take a stand only to be subdued
she lands in the junkyard with a bad tumble. she just lies in the dust and dirt in shock. it happened too fast. jay sacrificed himself for her? jay risked himself even though he was the one who needed protecting and got himself hurt to pull that stunt.
and now hes in their clutches again. rage begins to well up. why! why?! why did jay do that?! is he stupid! there had to be a better way, they couldve escaped together and regrouped! tears begin to well up as well. nya gets up and smashes a bunch of junk
jays parents come out after that. and nya realizes where she is for the first time and forces herself to calm down. she sorts out her feelings over ednas soup after shes pulled into the trailer.....
at first she doesnt get it. shes too upset to think about it. she vents to jays parents about what he did. "why did he do that?" and it was meant to be a rhetorical question for herself but edna gives her an answer thats way too simple.
"because he loves you."
and nya is hit with another rude realization. shes been having too many of those
jay..... loves her. deeply. truly loves her genuinely, more than he cares about himself. its not just lingering attachment. its a deeper, more sincere love than nya could ever fathomed. nya knew how much jay loved her. but at the same time she didnt. she didnt get how he loved her
she feels a way about that. all this time jay loved her this bad? bad enough to catch hanahaki, bad enough to keep his hanahaki, bad enough to hide it. bad enough to *wish* for her love, to suffer, ang to get hurt for her...
she thinks he loves her bad enough to die for her. she really feels a way about that. her heart starts beating fast. she doesnt want to put together why. she kinda wants to cry.
why was she so mean to him... sometimes he deserved the little things he had coming but why was she so harsh. why did she fall out of love with him..... well she knows but also.... she was really unfair to him huh. jay wasnt perfect and he was too much but... she doesnt know.
all she knows is she feels a lot of regrets right now.. and moved by jay what did for her... along with this third unplaceable feeling.
(she started falling in love again)
its a slow gradual thing tho. nya doesnt place it immediately. she doesnt think she wanted to after she broke up with him herself. didnt even think it was possible.
but eventually nya feels very embarrassed by it when she realizes. because 1) oh my god shes falling in love with him after falling out of love and dumping him? is she shameless? and also 2) flustered because shes For Reals in love this time now beyond the casual kind of love she held for him before. this realizaton doesnt happen anytime soon. probs a good amount of time after everything resolves
so for narrative purposes i swapped jays and nyas roles for this last part of the story only. i think its safe to say jay is not treated kindly when he reboards the ship. in fact i think theyre even crueler for letting nya get away. before he was just roughed up to play with him
a form of coercion to get him to make his last wish. this time theyre taking it out on jay as punishment. nya assembles a rescue party like jay does in canon and somehow rescues jay and she hates the state that she finds him hes in
i think he'll be easier to rescue than nya because hes not like.... nadakhans bride. but wait..... WAIT NO IT COULD HARDER BECAUSE THEY COULD SET HIM UP AS BAIT FOR NYA TO COME GET HIM.... FUCK CURSE MY WHUMP DRIVEN BRAIN!!!!!!!!!! ITLL BE SO MUCH HARDER TO GET HIM LIKE THIS BUT—
THE IMAGE OF JAY BEING TIED/STRUNG UP IN PLAIN VIEW.... fuck. figuring it out is too hard and i dont even need to figure it out for the romance do i like goddammit. fucking sequencing..... maybe they get their friends out of the sword first.... somehow.
as for how they beat nadakhan..... i havent thought up a good way. i dont think it should go the same way as canon. i want nya to actually have her agency and not take it away again after ive given it to her.
i however dont know what jays wish should be. thats like so hard to figure out. this end is a significance divergence from canon. oh also jay has been thoroughly gagged so he cant say his wish. and also maybe because the pirates got sick of his coughing. nadakhans goal for torturing jay has changed.
he doesnt want him to break and submit and wish himself away anymore. he has better use in making sure nya comes to him. well he can still break him. its extra motivation. an incentive for nya to be a bit more faster and careless in her desperation to save him. he just shuts jay up also.
also im a sadist. anyways back to defeating nadakhan.... its a little tough ngl! for me and for nya! because this story has diverged so considerably. it cant have the same climax as canon. it just doesnt work. not even when theyre roleswapped
nya cant make a wish. she doesnt have anymore wishes. or hmm maybe she does have one left like jay does in this timeline but i dunno.... technically i could do that bc nya used up her wishes in only stupid ways so its not that hard of a change.
it changes their game plan in the lighthouse just a bit but in this version nadakhan doesnt even show up so story wise its a nonfactor. they both couldve made a wish and stopped things. but they dont get the chance to do that.
but either way nya having a wish is an option, not something thats set in stone. also i think nya gets a hold of the venom. either jay had passed it to her when he pushed her into the portal or it stayed on his person and was confiscated and nya obtained it because clancee told her about it. which ever works. man is jay doing rough in this au. hes suffering so many consequences....i think as hes bound and helpless, hes gonna have a lot of thoughts... and a lot of regrets
he wishes he never kept secrets, he wishes he didnt make things worse.... i think he wishes nya doesnt come and rescue him. because if she does and she gets captured and nadakhan marries her for infinite wishes then itll all be his fault. again. because nya risked herself for him
so jay hopes nya doesnt come. he wants her to be safe even if it means hes forever captured. its better than the worst case scenario.
but a tiny tiny tiny part of jay that is wishful does hope that he is rescued. because hes weak. he selfishly wants nya to save him
he shouldve learned by now that his desire for nya doesnt do him any good. but the part thats terrible and in love still wishes for better. he wants to be saved. he wants to be forgiven. he wants to fix things. he doesnt want to hurt anymore.
he thinks he can accept nya never loving him again. but he wants to stop aching in his chest. but he cant let go of his love. at this point its a part of who he is. so even though hes resigned to suffer and part of him foolishly hopes. he wishes
but jay doesnt get it. nya HAS forgiven him. she wishes she has never hurt jay like she did and if she could she would take it back. shes determined to fix things one way or any other. she has to save him or shes the worst. jay never deserved *all* of this.
once she saves him shes going to fix them. somehow.
and somehow they do. with a wish i cannot fucking figure out so SPARE ME. but i think... they dont go back in time. things arent undone and theres damage everywhere. so much repairs to be done. and theres a start to everything
i think i forgot to mention but at the end of unrequited good end, which honestly i think friendship end is a more fitting name, jay and nya hug at the end of skybound when time rolls back. no kiss. i think the same happens at the end of requited end too. time doesnt roll back but they have moment... hug.. but still no kiss. not yet. nya hasnt realized her feelings are changing. actually she might it takes a bit for them to develop. jay and nya start having a very honest relationship with each other tho
nya doesnt want to ignore jays hanahaki and jay comes to a similar conclusion as friendship/unrequited end. he realizes nya still cares for him A Lot as a friend, she cared so much she risked everything to walk into nadakhans trap guns blazin. and he doesnt want to jeopardize their friendship by distancing himself.
he wants things to be normal between them despite his hanahaki. and the funny thing is that... in this end, jays hanahaki gets somewhat more manageable too.... but its for a different reason in this au. lol. lol. because his feelings are becoming requited.
his hanahaki isnt suddenly gone one day because nyas feelings are so ambiguous tho. and when she does finally realize that shes fallen for jay. she actually goes into a bit of denial. for a mix of reasons.
its not because nya doesnt want to cure jay of his hanahaki. she just didnt think thats a thing that can happen. falling in love again. she was also so very sure that she didnt have feelings for jay anymore before so its also a pride thing she has going on. subconsciously, she doesnt want to take things back because shes stubborn.
and its also one part nya feeling like shes doing jay a little bit dirty somehow (her brain making her overthink in a twisted way) and that she wouldve been toying with jays feelings if she returns them now. after all this time has passed.
is she that fickle? (its not her being fickle) and nya cant quite place why she has feelings for jay again. nya feels like jay probably deserves someone better than her, someone who hasnt hurt him so bad.
nya has trouble understanding herself so she thinks shes being flaky and worries her feelings are flaky also and she doesnt want to hurt jay again with such uncertain feelings. i am making nya feel so fucking complicated and conflicted. FEELINGS ARE OFTEN AS SUCH!!!
but despite nya's internal turmoil, her feelings for jay are very genuine. she might think they are arbitrary but thats not quite the case. well her love is arbitrary as any other love is. but anyways. she fell again because jay did win her over, not even when he was trying to.
his sincere love... his dedication. when nya saw it in a different light it was attractive to her. she appreciates that jay loves her the way he does now. also before (the breakup) her love for jay was a bit shallow. it was just that casual. but now what she feels for jay is more genuine. and more equal. eventually she sorts it out. there might be some of romantic drama to get her to get there though. a bit more accidental hurt.
i had the tangential thought that jay might tell nya that his hanahaki is getting better causing her to go "on no". jays finally letting go of his feelings over for her and nya doesnt want to mess that up. hes finally recovering when she catching feelings again?
of course this would happen to her. shes glad but shes wistful she missed her chance at having a boyfriend who truly cares about her like jay does.... serves her right. .... nya is an idiot lol... jays is getting better bc of her skdjhtrglksdj. anyways
eventually... they talk. and sort it all out. all the hurt and feelings and love. nya opens up and confesses and jay cries about it lol. because this is all he had ever wanted ever since he fell in love with nya. the elation he feels is unparalleled. and tightness in his chest finally vanishes all together and he feels better than he has in ages. of course he says yes. he tells nya things to erase her doubts. and it took a lot of trouble to get here but theyre here now. together again for reals. and neither of them can believe it.
they hold hands. and they finally kiss
-
I THINK. THATS THE END OF REQUITED END. WOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT MY THOUGHTS FOR THIS END WERE INITIALLY MUCH SHORTER, SHORTER THAN, UNREQUITED/FRIENDSHIP END? ON GOD. WHAT HAPPENED. ITS BECAUSE I FELT LIKE REQUITED END REALLY NEEDED FULLY BEAT OUT DEVELOPMENT. OR ELSE I COULDNT BE SATISFIED WITH IT. IM A LITTLE EMBARRASSED BY WHAT I CAME UP WITH FEELS KINDA SAPPY BUT I CANT TELL IF IT IS. IM ARO. THIS ISNT MY HOME TURF. BUT I WANTED REQUITED END TO BE ACTUALLY VIABLE WITHOUT FEELING FORCED.... I WANTED TO BE AS SATISFIED WITH THIS AS I AM FOR UNREQUITED END. AND ENDED UP NEEDING TO PUT IN 100 TIMES THE WORK SDJKTUFHIGTLSDKJ. I THINK I ACCOMPLISHED WHAT I WANTED THO...... I THINK ITS OKAY..........
okay. im finally picking flowers. ive been thinking about it a bit while i wrote this whole thing. it wasnt a priority. but i do wanna pick some flowers that fit this story....
had the thought that depending on the end of this au (... i have aus within my au huh....) jay actually has different flowers. different meanings and symbolism.
i want jays primary flower to be an anemone for the record. “forsaken love”. nods. thats pretty representative of jays love for like. 3 seasons. also.... shares a name with the ocean animal. water... small connection with nya... not directly representative of her but it does a little. anemone has a few other meanings as well and i think those can fit too depending on the end. but the primary meaning im using is forsaken love (apparently its specifically the red and pink ones that mean this. please do note all these flower language resources are pretty inconsistent from each other)
tragic death end- anemone (specifically red- also means death), red poppy (remembrance in death), red spider lily (am i going too ham with the death flowers? yes. would jay see this as an ill omen? definitely. however. symbolism. also this bouquet is just So red. with blood lol)
tragic lost love (surgery) end- anemone, yellow chrysanthemums (broken/slighted love), black dahlia (betrayal), narcissus (unrequited love, selfishness), rue (regret), i would add forget me nots if i didnt think it doesnt fit with the colors
friendship/unrequited end- anemone, yellow rose (bros the meaning of the yellow rose is so fucking loaded LMAO. friendship, infidelity (nya), undying love? the wiki sure lists a lot), dandelion (overcoming hardship, growth, hope, and healing, friendship)
requited end- anemone, sea lavender (remembrance/memory, sympathy, i love you), sea holly (independence (nya) and attraction (jay)). okay so i dunno if a bouquet of these would look good together per se but.... ocean theme.... and also i wanted the flowers to rep both jay and nya in meanings.... since this is the end in which theyre together after all....
flower language is fucking hard. but i cant NOT put sincere thought into it. its fucking hanahaki i feel like i Gotta. btw these arent 100% set in stone i might change my mind about them? but i do really like anemone tho.... and tangential thought hgtjbnfjkghl sea holly would be fucking AWFUL for jay to cough up. esp when he starts spitting full flowers. those look like they hurt. just like what its like to love nya (lol). flower that would definitely make him cough blood
anyways..... if you made it to the end of this..... thank you.... this post is literally over 7600 words. thats like a long one shot. this is more like a fic outline tho. anyways anyways.... madness legit descended upon me while i wrote this all. i hope you enjoyed. i did this for my self satisfaction but if other people enjoyed this also i kinda wanna know
holds up a glass. cheers to jays suffering and heartbreak
(og thread here)
#ninjago talk#oh also. if you read all this. tell me which ending you like....#jem.txt#..... feel like i need a tag for this kind of stuff but what....#my concepts#thatll do#jaya#ninjago#im holding back on character tags i cant do that im embarrassed as is
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school au where baizhu is the school nurse
collei is chronically ill so she's in a lot for meds or whatever
bennet is in every other day bc the poor mf keeps getting into accidents
student aide noelle
freminet is in a lot too bc he gets headaches when he gets overstimulated and baizhu just lets him chill and nap for a class period or two (its me i used to go in with headaches all the time and nap for a class period or two)
chemistry teacher albedo sending in fuckers who keep fucking around in the chemistry lab
tighnari biology teacher and him are friends idc
baizhu wants to be friends with tighnari to talk abt medicine and shit but their paths rarely cross so bro just does not know how to go about it (yes this is inspired by that baizhu voiceline where he asks u to introduce him to tighnari)
one day his daughter qiqi has to come to work and she herself is rather ill. collei comes in and meets her, and tells tighnari (because we all have that one teacher we were incredibly attached to for no reason) and thats how they meet
alhaitham teaches linguistics but he mostly makes incredibly thorough lesson plans that his TAs execute
xingqiu dragging chongyun in when he forgets to take his meds
#genshin impact#rain's aus#genshin#school au#baizhu#collei#bennett genshin impact#i adore baizhu idk#seeing the school through his eyes#or his shitty vision rather#the shenanigan potential is off the charts
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