«grip on your top is so tight you think he might even rip it, god knows the last time he had to trim his nails» 😭😭❤️‍🔥

I've always wondered how Zandik's hygiene is. I'm sure he doesn't give a shit about it. The only thing he cares about is the mechanisms. And how do you think 500 years ago students washed at sumeru?

you’ve come to the right person nonnie i love elaborating about seemingly boring and mundane details lemme ramble for a hot second (￣^￣ )ゞ

-> i talked about what i think his shaving habits would be like a couple of weeks ago (here). i think he would be less inclined to shave as an akademiya student than when he’s “Prime” because he just has.... so much to do, so little time. as a young adult he does grow a decent amount of facial hair (not enough for a full beard though i think), and as much as he dislikes having it, he doesn’t really bother to shave it unless it starts to get on his nerves. like, if he’s head-first into machinery and he keeps rubbing his stubble on the metal...... he’ll get back to his dorm room and quickly shave off the annoying stubble lol. but he doesn't shave it regularly, no. he doesn't gaf about his appearance, really, so doesn't care enough to have a routine

(naturally i like to think there's dorms in the akademiya LOL a shame genshin doesn't expand on living spaces other than just a couple of houses here and there sadge ˙◠˙ )

-> i like to think he’s a heavy nail biter to make up for having barely ever touched a nail file/clipper in his life. it helps him focus sometimes when he's locked tf in. some of his nails are less affected than others, like his pinky fingernails. even though they're all mostly dull, cracked or bitten off there’s definitely potential for him to scratch someone if he truly wanted to. and i'm sure he’d just rips his nails off when they got in the way of whatever research he's doing..

-> but boy oh BOY best for last. i think that they would maybe handwash their clothes in a tub/basin with soap, or if they don't have anything of the sort they could go up north to sumeru city and wash their clothes in the river.

.......but at the same time they did have akasha terminals (going off dottore's vague lore timeline because greater lord rukkhadevata created the akasha system and died around 500 years ago, so im assuming maybe dottore would have been in the akademiya when she died? but my brain hurts thinking about the possibilities so lets assume they all had akasha systems when he was enrolled lol)....... so maybe they had the technology to create basic washing machines (maybe something like this?)

though i'm sure he wouldn't bother himself with a proper hygiene routine, probably only washing himself and his uniform when it got dirty enough (which was probably often anyways) (and i'm sure the akademiya would basically just dresscode him if he showed up to class with soot and oil all over him, too)

and i like to think that maybe the akademiya dorms would have communal bathrooms/"showers" as well. but at the same time it's a super prestigious school so they could have individual bathrooms for each dorm room...... but at the same time² we're talking about 500 years ago........ so............. hmm..............................

in general he's more focused on research and conducting experiments n getting results, so being spotless would be the least of his worries. if he ended up getting sick as a result of his less-than-socially-acceptable hygiene he'd probably just use it as learning experience and use that knowledge for future experiments, like on his eleazar patients in that abandoned hospital. he'd do the bare minimum to Not get sick, has to dedicate as much time as he can in the akademiya to study forbidden knowledge. can't be bedridden with a fever, that's for pussies and he's Not a pussy... probably his daily affirmation. "i'm not a pussy, i am better than everyone. they all suck ass and i'm an alpha". yeah anyways

but WHATEVER!!!!!! tl;dr: he's a grimy little guy and reeks of blood sometimes but its ok we love him either way♡

Ohhhh I'm recoloring something ohhhh

Home Sweet home

Pairing: Eddie munson x fem!reader

Summary: You and Eddie just moved into your very first trailer together, and he discovers a little secret you've been keeping.

Warnings: reader has small boobs and stretch marks. Daddy kink, suggestive themes with a popsicle. throat training,unprotected sex. Oral sex(fem!receiving) lil bit of spankings.

A/n: Not proofread. Im still trying to get back into the groove of writing again, so please be patient.

You and Eddie just moved into your very own trailer together, just a few weeks ago. So far, everything was going very, very well. He would come home to you mostly after you had already fallen asleep. He worked late nights right now to help save up after the big move. You and him couldn't wait any longer to get your own place together. You loved your parents, and Eddie loved Wayne. Just sometimes, it was hard for the two of you to be alone. You both craved privacy together all the time.

Especially when Eddie had a very hard time keeping his hands to himself. He had a thing for laying on top of you and just suck on your tits making you all whiny for him. He loved them even though you think they are too small. He always told you they're mouthful, and that's good enough for him. Sometimes, when he got you all worked up and needy for him, he'd just take you right there. However, with your parents' constant schedules changing, that happened less and less.

Eddie and you tried to do it at his trailer, but Wayn worked six days a week, and he was on the night shift. Meaning he was home sleeping most of the day. Hotel rooms you and him would get for the night became costly. That's when Eddie proposed that you two should just move in together. You were shocked, to say the least, but you became over joyed at the thought of having him all to yourself. Eddie and you began house hunting that same week. He was dead serious about it, and all you could think about was decorating it up all pretty. Eddie even joked and said, You were gonna be his little "stay at home girlfriend" only because you were still in college instead of working.

⋆⛧*┈┈┈┈﹤୨♡୧﹥ ┈┈┈┈*⛧⋆

Now that you and Eddie were almost settled in, there wasn't much else to do. You busied yourself most of the time after Eddie left for work cleaning and organizing. The longer you were home , the more comfortable and relaxed you felt. You love the freedom of just doing whatever you feel. That's why you rarely ever wear clothes anymore. Opting for thin tank tops, no bra, and just your panties. You couldn't walk around your parents' home like this, but since this is your home, anything goes. You figured Eddie wouldn't mind either, since he's seen just about every inch of you anyway. He's not seen your everyday attire yet since he's mostly coming home to you well into the hours of the night.

Today, though, is a little different. Eddie had managed to fake a stomach bug so he could go home early. He missed you terribly he only got to see you for a few minutes in the morning as you laid next to him, curled up in his side. The both of you are barely able to talk to each other anymore. Sometimes, he'd call you on his lunch break, but those thirty minutes were still not enough. He missed you so much, which is why he faked sick to surprise you. This is why he's more than happy walking through the door and being greeted by a very wonderful sight. Your back turned to him washing dishes in nothing but your panties and a very thin shirt. Eddies cock twitched in his jeans the longer he stared at you. His eyes fixed on the way the cotton material hugged your curves just right. The elastic bands dig slightly into the plush skin of your hips and ass. He giggles a little when you reach around to rearrange them after they are rode up a little too high. You still have no idea he's standing right behind you. He clears his throat to get your attention, and you jump, turning around. Your face lights up when you notice it's him. Eddie has to contain himself when he sees you from the front. Your shirt is much too cropped as some of your under boob is exposed. He knows the moment you lift your arms up to wrap around him, your perfect little tits will be exposed. God, does he desperately want them in his mouth right now. Just sucking and nipping at the tender flesh while you whimper under him.

"EDDIE! you're home so early," you say cheerfully.

"Yeah, faked sick to spend some time with you." He said, pulling you into him.

You wrapped your arms around his neck, hugging him tightly to your front. He pulls back and kisses you deeply as his hands roam from your hips to squeeze your ass. You yelp in his mouth, causing him to laugh and squeeze harder. He breaks the kiss and taps your backside lightly. "What has my girl been doing all day, hm?"

"I've been unpack and cleaning your mess." You playfully respond. He breaks away from your hold to wash his hands in the sink. Turning back towards you and smirking as you stand there watching him. Biting his lip again when he notices your shirt has become a tad bit see-through from splashing water on yourself. "I like the little outfit you're wearing." He commented, leaning against the counter. "Oh, um, you don't mind, do you? I just wanna be comfortable. " Shaking his head, he moves to the fridge and grabs a popsicle. He walks past you to the couch and plops down. "No baby, you look cute." He pats his thigh and jesters for you to come sit on his lap. Running and plopping down on his thighs, he opens his popsicle and brings it to his mouth but stops. "Remember when you said you wanted me to teach you how to take me in your throat?" Your eyes going wide and eyebrows raising you nod slowly. "Yes."

"What if I teach you with this?" He said, bringing the cherry flavored ice to your lips.

You give a small "okay," and Eddie takes the cold treat rubbing it around your mouth. Making your lips wet and cold. "Now I want you to open that sweet mouth of yours and just suck okay?" You do as you're told and open for him as he sinks the popsicle in your warm mouth. He pushes it in slowly just a little and pulls it out. He does it again and again until it's getting deeper into your mouth. "Mmm, such a good girl taking it so deep." His voice is low and husky as his breath tickles your ear. He tugs your hair just a little to push your back, and he pushes the popsicle in deeper, almost hitting the back of your throat. You gag just slightly and Eddie's cock twitches again. You can feel him getting hard underneath your ass and you wiggle your hips. He grunts and pulls the popsicle out of your mouth. "Don't. Do. That"

"I'm sorry I won't do it again. "

He takes the popsicle and easily pushes it past your cold lips again. The frozen snack melts in your mouth and drips down your chin and neck. He continues gently fucking your mouth as he soothes you. "Relax that throat, baby." "That's a good girl." He takes it out, and your lips are a little purple when he brings his own warm lips to your cold, sticky ones. Tasting the cherry on your tongue as he greedily attacked your mouth. Breaking the kiss, he moves to get up, bringing you with him to your room. He presses your back to him and reaches down the front of your panties to run the calloused pad of his finger over your clit. You squeeze your eyes shut and open your mouth, letting out a long groan. Eddies mouth begins kissing the spot below your ear. Biting and sucking at the sensitive skin, marking you up. "Mmm, eddie." You sighed. His finger still working on your clit as his mouth begins to bite harder on your neck. Your right leg lifts to stomp on the floor, and you're finding it harder to stand still. Just as you feel your release building up, Eddie removes his hand and shoves you towards the bed. "Hands and knees, princess," He commanded as you heard his belt clank to the floor.

Getting on your hands and knees with your feet dangling off the bed. Your face pressed to the soft sheets of your bed as he got behind you, ripping a hold in your panties. You gasp when you feel the cool air hitting your exposed cunt. He starts caressing the curve of your ass appreciating the little stretch marks that adorn the sides of your cheeks. Eddies takes his middle finger and gently runs it along your wet folds, causing you to let out a gasp. Only rubbing the outside of your cunt teasing the area. You squirm at his touch, which earns you a hard slap on the ass. "Ooh, Daddy." You moan out, causing Eddie to pause. "What did you just call me?" His voice coming out more surprised than he intended.

"N-nothing, I didn't say anything."

He gives your ass a harsh slap, making it jiggle from the impact. "Don't lie to me, say it again." You and shake your head in protest as embarrassment takes over you. He gives your ass another harsh slap, but you're still not budging. He reels his hand back for another, but you speak up quickly. "I called you daddy, I'm sorry." You've always had the fantasy of calling him daddy. Never acting on it, afraid it would gross him out or piss him off. Eddie has always told you to be open and honest with him about anything. You still found it hard to do when most of your sexual experiences have been with him. Because of that, it should come easier, but since Eddie is more knowledgeable in this area. You've always just let him take control. He never suggested you call him "daddy," so you just assumed he didn't want to be called that.

"Okay, so be a good girl and call me daddy again." He said with one last smack to your now sore ass.

"Please don't stop......daddy"

"See, now was that so hard?" He pushes his thick fingers inside your entrance, pumping them in out, enjoying the squelching sound your pussy is making. He moves them in out of you, slow as he listens to the sounds you're making. His cock is painfully hard with precum leaking out of his tip. You've always thought his cock was intimidating to look at. Thick with veins running along the side and his tip always an angry red color. "How could something that looks so scary make you feel so good?" You always thought. He knew how to use it. How to tease you with it. How to make you beg and ach for it. He was always careful with you before spliting you open and making you cry on his cock. Getting you nice and wet for him so he can sink in with ease.

"Please, Daddy, I need you"

He moves his fingers, causing you to whine at the loss of friction. He sinks down on his knees and teases your entrance with his tongue. "You taste so good, baby." He proded and teased before sinking his tongue inside your pussy and fucking you with his tongue. He takes it out to flick it over your puffy clit. "Ahhh! Daddy, oh god." Your orgasm getting close as Eddie's skilled tongue flicks and his mouth sucks your sensitive bud. Just as you feel yourself getting closer, Eddie removes his mouth and flipping. you on your back. He bends over you with both of his hands on each side of your head, caging you in. You can feel his cock nudging your aching core. He's staring down at you intensely, making you squirm underneath him.

He moves his left hand, and it engolves your small breast. He squeezes and bends over to nip and bite your nipple into a soft peak. You grab a hold of his head moaning as his mouth attacks your nipple. He moves his other hand to squeeze your other breast. Removing his mouth, he attacks your other nipple. His entire mouth covering the soft flesh of your tits. His tongue flicked over the peak of your hard nipples. "Fuuuck mmmfph!" You're too focused on his mouth. You don't realize his tip is already sinking into your aching core until he's bottoming out.

"Look at that. You took me so well, baby" He pulls back almost removing his cock completely before slamming back into you. The slapping of skin as your body connected with each powerful thrust Eddie gave to you. You fall flat on your back as Eddie's cock slide in and out of your velvety walls with ease. He moves his hands from your hips to grip a tight hold of your tits as he fucked you harder. "Fuck baby your s-so tight." He grunted. You only whimpered and mewled in response. His cock was hitting that spongey spot just right with thrust he gave. You can feel your release building back up. He can feel you are getting close, too, when your walls begin to clench around him. "Can I come?" You asked, looking up as your mind was going foggy. He laughs a little at your fucked out express. "Yeah, baby, be my good girl and come." Moving your hand down to play with your clit as Eddie continued to pump his cock inside you. Rubbing tight circles around your clit making him whimper when he feels you clench him again. His thrusts become sloppy and you know he's about to cum too. You rub your sore bud faster, and you feel your orgasm building up.

Without any more warning, your orgasm washes over you, causing your vision to go blurry. Moaning out Eddie's name as you cum around his cock your legs shake and go limp. With a few more strokes Eddie is spilling his cum inside of your velvety walls. He's still thrusting inside of you, milking his cock. Once he's finished, he buries his head in the crook of your neck, collapsing on top of you.

Both of you are out of breath and sticky with sweat. He peppers kisses all over your collarbone and face, making you scrunch your face. "So you like calling me daddy, huh?" He teases.

"Shut up, Eddie "

"No, I like it, I think it's sexy." He looked down at you with his big brown eyes. He has this post sex glow to him while you probably look like someone who just went through a wind tunnel. "I've missed you so much." He spoke, and he brushed the hair from your face.

"I missed you too"

"Wanna go get in the bath and watch a movie?" He suggested.

"Can we order Chinese and cuddle?" You sit up and wince a little. Eddie takes notice and realizes he's still buried inside you. Carefully he removes his now semi hard cock. His cum dripping from your pussy and he takes notice. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up."

"Then we can watch a movie?"

"Yes, then we can watch a movie. "

The rest of your night was spent cuddling on your couch after a nice long shower. You and Eddie talked about his job and your classes at college. He worked so much that you didn't realize just how much you missed each other. Eddie promised that once you guys are caught up with bills, you'll have more time together. As the night went on, you eventually fell asleep on the couch together. Not waking up until the early hours of the morning. Eddie also promised the he'll let you practice on him next time instead of that popsicle. You also make sure to remind him he owes you a new pair of panties.

Gojo headcanons bc ive got too much time on my hands

bro ate chalk as a kid and ive got proof

look at his kid self for a sec, he’s got a grown out buzzcut and the blue eyed stare. thats a chalk eater

you can’t convince me he’s a good swimmer

he’s lanky and tall, bro gets swept away the min he is near the ocean. he’s built to be shark food, sorry luv

the cloth he wears to cover his eyes is raggedy as hell

let me explain. he wears it constantly both in and out of battle, he wears it in any weather, and let’s be real he’s so odd that he probs sleeps in it sometimes

this leads me to believe that even tho he almost never gets hurt during a fight the blood and grime gets all up in the cloth

no amount of Tide or even acid could get rid of the STENCH that mask holds

it smells like ten cans of bounce that ass. one whiff could, quite literally, kill an old man

he’s a chronic podcast listener

tried to become one of those skater kids, failed miserably. geto never let him live it down

i think he’d make a great partner but if you listen to Hozier he will cause a scene

basically what im saying is he’s jealous of Hozier

Gojo knows that no matter how strong he is he will NEVER compare to that man’s vocals/lyrics and what they do to you

que Gojo trying to sing your fav Hozier song(s) but he can’t match the pitch which sends you into cardiac arrest

other than that he’s a pretty good singer, could probs serenade you to sleep

you know how everyone has an irrational fear? yuh his is birds

you ever see him interact with one in a normal way?

you see a bird, he sees a sack of organs with hollow bones that sore through the sky and sometimes they can talk

he pisses his pants when he sees a macaw

he’s a rich bitch and it’s a problem. not cuz he’s an ass abt it but bc he spoils the hell out of the teens

we know he would buy Megumi anything in the world but Yuuji and Nobara get the same treatment

he saw Yuuji’s orphaned ass and immediately transferred HUNDREDS to Yuuji’s bank acc

ain’t no student of his gonna be broke, that’s for sure

probs carries around pics of Megumi from when the teen was a kid

some are cute such as Megumi at the beach or having a fun at the zoo. others are of Megumi fighting for his life

i feel that when Yuuji entered the equation he also started taking pics of him during cute, fun, or important moments

very much sentimental older brother energy

whenever Gojo gets sick or injured he either becomes a massive baby or denies it until he’s dead

depends on the problem tbh. if he’s got a head cold he needs to be hospitalized but if he got his legs cut off he’d ignore it for weeks

you know how most men’s body wash or shampoo is named in, what’s considered, “masculine scents”

like redwood, campfire smoke, whiskey, fucking piss water

yuh he’s not a fan

i don’t think he’d really like those scents. in his mind, why does smelling like burnt coal or salt = masculine?

he probs just grabs whatever he likes, maybe orange scented stuff or even subtle vanilla

whatever cologne he wears tho is fucking delicious. you smell it and immediately your knees give out

i think if you gave him a huff of old spice tho he’d just disintegrate

im thinking of his general hygiene now, he has a solid routine

it’s not a million steps, probs just good quality face wash, serums, and moisturizer

that being said he suffered horrific back acne as a kid. dont ask how I know this, i will eat you alive

he looks and acts flawless but we know the truth. he sucks at card games

Yuuji’s biggest flex is he beat Gojo at go-fish 28 times in a row

he says calabunga and not a single person can stand it

that’s it for now, i’ll probs add more headcanons later

thanks for coming to my ted talk, i hope this post finds you before Sukuna does

(this is all mildly unedited, soz for mistakes)

As someone with asthma I absolutely understand the breathing issues. 😩 Also I think you would be totally cute in oversized clothes. 🩷 But that's because you're totally cute.

I could definitely see that you hold your weight in your butt because of how it jiggles. lol *complimentary*

I would of never guessed you were a size D in bras. Then again I never really knew bra sizes that well. 😅

The lactose intolerance actually doesn't surprise me. lol

You're a BLONDE?! 😳

I tend to turn cherry out in the sun so I get that as well. lol

Your boy is the only person you ever had sex with? Considering how open you are about sex & sexuality that's actually kind of surprising. But still kinda cute! Are you attracted to women or other genders at all?

oh my gosh i haaaaate my lunch so much like they’ve gotten better over the years with proper physical therapy when i was younger but im like a grandma with emphysema with how much i lose my breath 😓 plus sometimes i just forget to breathe cuz im an idiot so that exacerbates my dumb lungs even more and i have to like take giant gasps of air 😅 i hate it so much 😤

no you’re totally right!! like from the front i look like im completely flat assed but turn me around and BAM booty for days 😂 plus because my waist is so teeny it makes it look like a proper peach which i think is super adorable 😅

honestly i still suffer through the intolerance but i always regret it like i had a strawberry birthday cake milkshake last week without a pill and i was sick for two days straight it was freaking AWFUL 😭

i am!! I don’t have any photos of baby blonde kiki but it’s like a super light golden blonde 😅 but it suck’s cuz when my hair grows out because of the contrast with the black i look like im actually balding 😭

oof that sucks so much!! I would be lathering the ever living hell out of myself with spf 10000 if I burned at all 😂 but i also try to just not go out in direct sun for too long because im so paranoid of getting skin cancer 😂

yea well we’ve been together since we were in high school so ive never really had the opportunity and despite my openness ive never been interested in casual sex or like sharing sexual intimacy of any kind unless im very serious about a person 😅 but it also takes a lot for me to be attracted to a person since I don’t really base that sort of attraction off appearances 🤣 I know it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense but my reasons are somewhat personal 😂 I mean honestly I don’t think humans in general are only attracted to one gender 🤷🏻‍♀️ I just think it’s a social construct to fit into the christian ideology that was kind of forced on us as a society. like there was even a time when it was okay for people to confess they’re attracted to people of the same gender as them so long as they said ‘no homo’ so they could still be seen as straight 😂 but if im being perfectly honest it’s not really something ive really though about aside from my general view on it since i kind of don’t really pay attention to people 😅

09:26 am !! 18.04.24

First day of writing my thoughts feelings and experiences here and whatever else. I heard tumblr works well as a journal/blog so might as well.

Even though I'm honestly still not entirely sure how this platform works (especially not on the pc ver) we all learn as we go, don't we?

Anyhow. I gotta get back home from school.. can't believe I'm sick again! Man, it's all the girl's fault for not being able to keep their asses home when they're sick. I confronted one of the girls about it and she really said "You would've gotten mad at me for not coming to help with the project" (we are unfortunately working on a group contest together — a group of 6 girls) like, no girl, no one would. She was the one that got mad at another person from our group when THEY were sick and told them to come to school. Darn hypocrite.

I hate this damn problem doe. Its so stupid. There are ups to it though. For example, i didn't have to attend a bunch of classes which is cool but then again im falling behind w all the lessons and shit so thats not great.

I just want it to be over fast. Cant stand working w some of these people no more. Fake asf

Rn im taking a bath! My favourite thing to do ngl. Its so warm and nice and cosy. Outside, in the parking lot behind our house theres people setting up the farmers market. Ive always found it so endearing and nice!! I love farmers markets and even if i dont buy anything, just passing thru it is nice.

On another brighter than all the other notes!!! My boyfriend got accepted into Uni here!!! We'll be breaking long distance soon. Its all happening so fast but im so glad so so glad hes coming home soon. I miss him more than anything. He's also going to come visit in a week or so!! I cant wait

Next week our school has this thing called 'Green week' where we take a break from normal school activities to instead do other things related to nature n shit. In concept it sounds nice but our teachers always pick the most boring activities for us...that sucks. For example, we'll be going to the Botanical garden for 4 hours!!! That'd be cool and all but we all know the botanical garden like the back of our hands from how much we visited it.. Theres plenty of other things to see, im sure, but most teachers don't wanna bother with actual interesting stuff, unfortunately.

Another small something is that i have recently started playing Star Rail again! Its great!! I would say im doing quite well, advancing through the story and stuff... I still have to properly build my charas doe oops! Thing is, i came back for this new character called 'Boothill', truly a charming gentleman. Haha! I managed to farm around 100 wishes in a week with a bit of help from my boyfriend as well~ I will get Boothill guys trust!! I kinda gave in though and pulled for Aventurine as well ... and i got him. But theres around 40 days left to farm for Boothill so im sure ill be gucci!! Ill be pulling for both him and his lightcone... and hopefully more copies of him hehe~~~

Todays weather was kinda shitty. The weather has been shitty recently actually. Its so cold and it keeps raining even tho not too long ago it was all nice warm and sunny, like how spring should be! I miss the nice weather, i hope it comes back soon so i can wear my short skirts, long socks and cool graphic tees!

Hmm~ I might hop back on here later mayhaps mayhaps to write some more stuff but for now ill be signing off!

Byebye ~

okay fine. ALL OF THEM. GO.

YOU'RE INSANE (am i even in that many fandoms)

the character everyone gets wrong

mad ducktor. enough said

2. a compelling argument for why your fave would never top or bottom

i'm presuming they meant dom or sub in this regard anyway i feel like all my faves are like lame ass switches and honestly i am SO tired of seeing them as always dom. boring behavior.

3. screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

honestly i'm just tired of seeing takes in 2023 about my girl faves and how they're annoying and get in the way of either yaoi ships or selfships...

4. what was the last straw that made you finally block that annoying person?

not to go back into ducks again but i remember when the animaniacs reboot dropped i made a mutual with this super annoying person on twitter who kept talking about yakko warner and milk and about a week later an acquaintance of mine asked me how long i knew them and then said "we think that your new mutual is cannedtins"

5. worst discord server and why

im not in bad discord servers im normal 0:-)

i do have a lot of osc and em servers muted tho <:-D

6. which ship fans are the most annoying?

a looooooot of shippers are annoying LOL. as far as not freak ships go, i sure do have a lot of hate in my heart for fenro... but are fenro fans annoying.... idk. i curate myself a lot.

WAIT NO JOIKE GOD THOSE GUYS ARE SO ANNOYING

7. what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?

i CANT just say mad ducktor again.... but honestly? 4 and X bfdi.....

9. worst part of canon

closing time being canon to catch 22

10. worst part of fanon

i hate when fanon unanimously agrees on a gender and sexuality headcanon for a character especially when it's one i relate to and i could make their gender and sexuality so so so so much weirder...

11. number of fandom-related words you've filtered

at least a dozen? i dont like a lot of popular fandoms.

12. the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

i feel like all my unpopular faves are unpopular for good reason. i may not like the reason but im alone in my happiness.

anyway fanny bfb you should like her because she has a rough exterior and a soft interior.

13. worst blorboficiation

the guys from one but i dont mind too much because it's one.

14. that one thing you see in fics all the time

i see a lot of x reader shit and it always feels like every reader is like. the same 19 year old girl. and man we're different in every way.

15. that one thing you see in fanart all the time

cat ears

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

honestly i guess i get it bc they're both protags but spifan... it's kind of... BORING to me! no offense to ppl who do like it but i find myself more into prufan and pacome x zorglub....

17. there should be more of this type of fic/art

sheep in the big city fic and art that doesn't suck

18. it's absolutely criminal that the fandom has been sleeping on...

honestly i'm in so many fandoms where there's a hero x villain old man ship and in SO MANY OF THEM it is ignored.... SAD!

19. you're mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like...

let's just say there's a certain ship that goes against so many of my principles and yet i've shipped it for over a decade and got good friends to ship it too and leaf it there

20. part of canon you found tedious or boring

whatever the hell fireafy was doing in nubfb

21. part of canon you think is overhyped

clive dove professor layton. unwound future has better aspects

22. your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

i think ppl should pay more attention to misa in death note

23. ship you've unwillingly come around to

i used to hate mei x red son from monkie kid and now it's my top otp LOL

25. common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

"stop watching kid shows" these ppl aren't watching kid shows they are JUST watching owl house if they were wathcing kid shows i'd have someone to talk about rocketeer 2019 with

my new political ideaology is that I get a device called the dipshit detector that removes self-important white people’s ability to use cellphones for 1 month and I don’t fucking care if this is a fascist dictatorshit i actually would turn joe biden into joe woke and donald trump into pronoun trump if i see one more loud mouthed straighty act like their opinion fucking matters im introducing their shy 9 year old son to my little pony i cant fucking take this shit yes fuck it throw republicans in concentration camps they’re practically begging for it they wont shut the fuck up about how theyre gonna be hunted down and killed wish granted bitch blam blam its wabbit season bitch im sick of liberals im sick of voting im sick of norway if youre even slightly uncomfortable around gay people you should be set on fire black power asian power jewish power latino power and i fucking mean it im not just buying the stupid 30$ tshirt on fckhate.com the worst thing to ever happen in american history is abraham lincoln not publicly executing every confederate general and outlawing slavery full stop we literally live in starship troopers we are trapped in a shitty gmod half life dark rp server yeah I do think you’re basically a terrorist if you go to disney land and i also think that if the first words out of your mouth when the rustbelt gets set on fire is “those dirty rednecks deserve it” ill show you a fucking redneck you fucking yank prick you fucking racist i wish hilary clinton would explode on live tv charitys are fucking fake theyre as fake as those cardboard towns in north korea oppenheimer was a limpdick pussy and fallout is becoming a game franchise that fetishizes the mass genocide of asians and i want todd howard pinned under a large rock for it spec ops the line wasn’t ugly enough there is a conspiracy started by the cosmetics, nutrition and fashion industry in collaboration with the upper class descendants of fucking typhoid “moneybags” marys to fool the masses that fat people aren’t hot as fuck. My body and mind and soul degrade with the week because of yhe shit ass menial labor yhey made me do and the fucking lead in gasoline and world war 1 started a chain reaction of fathers beating their kids and wives because it’s cheaper to buy a gun than go to therapy because we’re fucking warhammer orks without any of the endearing mental stupidity we live in mordor. we live in fucking mordor. it literally does not matter who is president our two political parties are Nazis and Neo-Nazis bernie sanders was the closest thing to a centrist this country has ever seen. capitalism grinds up joy into a paste to divvy out on 500$ gucci toothpicks public urination should be legal rent is theft corporations are agents of satan who is jesus christ who is not jesus of nazareth jesus christ is the poster boy of white supremacy i fucking hate Hamilton white people should listen to MORE rap i want to get my dick sucked at a death grips concert. Laundromats and burger joints where you can get a meal for 5$ are far more important than police stations and walmart. pop anarchists want to personally confiscate your wheelchair uou fuckers treat yhis like a game fuckin e girls with hammers and sickles in their icons arguing about what form of communism or socialism or whateverism is right when bitch that is a pipe dream you are going to die in captivity arguing about which dragon ball z character is the strongest (girl broly) at least go punch a hole in your wall and fuck it to prove you’re human you facebook fetishist jesus christ every other day i want a biblical death just so my fucked up thouhhts mean something i need a fuckingjason vorhees bitch wheres the yandere tea party this is all so fucked up its not fucking real the christian god hates you whoever says otherwise is trying to make you a fucking slave. Mormonism and scientology should be wiped off the map any religion formed after the invention of the gun is a fucking pyramid scheme i wish i was a 9 foot toll shark lady with hugebrealssta so i could fucking knock over thechrystler building

DO 9/11 AGAIN

hi im gonna vent about my non existent sex life to my 3 followers now.

I’m in a ltr with an older man (i know) and it’s pretty cool for the most part except for the fact that i never get fucked lmao. it was pretty frequent and fun for the first like 8 months and now I’m lucky to get any like once a month. We got sick in winter 2022/2023, he had a terrible reaction psychologically. At first I understood bc like. We were REALLY sick. And then we got better. And I would try to initiate something and he would just give me the “maybe later” or “another day” stuff, and I wouldn’t ask again for like a week or so. And then I started doing a little amateur adult content as a side hustle, and he would take the pictures and stuff for me. So I would try to get a lil spicy. And he would turn me down. And I don’t know how to describe how absolutely shit it feels to have someone taking lewd pictures of you and them be completely turned off. Ouch. I started doing the pictures/videos alone and I would send him the best ones. He’d sometimes save them but usually I would get some half assed response. So I just stopped bc it made me feel gross. I’m like terminally horny as a person. I could fuck like 3x a day and still go again. I haven’t been able to get a “round two” since like August of 2022. He also presented himself when we first getting to know each other as super kinky and experimental. And he was at first. But it’s so vanilla since we got sick. Like, two positions and barely any variety. We bought some toys and rope and stuff. One of them we haven’t even used. Well, I have but it was alone. He told me, when I was first starting to really have my feelings hurt about his lack of sexual interest, that he has a hard time seeing me as both his life partner and as someone he can do kink with. And that really hurt. Like really bad. Like sure, the ppl he dated before he didn’t love (or the 1 night stands) the way he loves me. So how does it make sense that he gave them all the vulnerability and trust that kink involves but I can’t have that?? And then he says that we’re different, we’re better than most people because we don’t need to have a relationship based off sex. Homeboy if we did, the relationship would have withered and died ages ago. I’m a human being in my 20’s, I’m fucking horny!! I don’t understand why he thinks that it’s fair for him to have gotten to hook up and do all the fun stuff with other people, and now it’s just over for him forever. What about me? What about what I need? Like, I already feel like the once a month boring ass 30 minutes I get is a chore for him. I don’t want him to do anything he doesn’t feel comfortable with. It’s just really hurtful and unfair. I know he doesn’t wanna do an open relationship and I don’t either, but at this point I am so sexually frustrated. I feel embarrassed for wanting sex. I feel like he sees me as some kind of pure and untouchable thing, which makes no sense. I’ve always been up front about being really sexual, and kinky , and open, and unconventional. It’s like he refuses to see a whole entire side of me, except very superficially when we do get sexual. And even then I can tell he’s not really that enthusiastic, it seems like he’s on a mission to make both of us cum as quickly as possible. It’s not even fun anymore and I just feel so self conscious and shitty. It really fucking sucks not even being 25 with a dead bedroom. I’ve been trying to curb my sexual appetite as much as I can but at this point I’m gonna start chewing my fucking fingers off. The worst part is I know I’m not ugly. I know if most people had the chance they would happily get into bed with me. So why is it that the person who DOES get to, doesn’t even want it anymore?? I know he could have his pick of anybody as well. We were so compatible and so much happier when we were having sex more. Now I’m so full of resentment that I have a hard time connecting with him at all. I hate that I feel like this but I’m having to squash such big feelings 24/7. Ugh. Anyway.

4/29

song of the day:

aprils almost over and I couldn’t be happier. 4 more weeks left of school and 5 more till im out of here. i’m genuinely so sick of school. it’s just so annoying and boring. like I move through the day as happy as I can be but it’s just bleh. today was nice though. I left early so I didn’t have to go to 4th. yesh! there’s nothing wrong with that class it’s just I get sooooo bored cause no one’s there with me. I did have fun though today.

today I went to a restaurant that i’ve only gone to a couple times in my life and the funniest thing is we ran into my brothers ex best friend who works there. he was our waiter and let me tell you my feelings have stayed the same. I use to have a massive crush on him. not as big as the one I had on my brothers other bestie but like that’s a whole other thing. anyways. i’ll call him A. he looked so good like get out my face. I think it was the all black. and the lighting in the restaurant. I remember my brother had a sleepover for his birthday one time and A was there and I literally would not leave them alone because I wanted to see him. like I was supposed to sleepover at my grandparents that night but I stayed the night in my messy ass room and I didn’t even have a bed😹. anyways. A looks like great. he grew some facial hair I think that’s what fixes everything for a guy. he’s not super tall but he’s still taller than me so yayayay. I missed seeing him. he spend like a year doing army stuff, did durgs then like got back into college and I think he’s doing better. I think he’s greek or something cause his name is so cringe and his NOSE DIEEEE. I love it.

but the whole reason we were at the restaurant was great. my grandpa finished his radiation treatments and it was also my grandparents 53rd wedding anniversary. YAYAYAYAYAY. i’m so happy. it was such a happy day. I wish all days were this happy. ik they won’t always be. but I loved it. except the parts where my grandparents friend come in.

my grandparents have these neighbors that have been there neighbors since like the 70’s. and omg I love the wife(Y). she’s so sweet and she’s like another grandma to me. but the husband. I need him to burn in hell. I want him to be skinned alive. /jk. but he’s so annoying. like shut up!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t care. ik he’s old and I feel bad but he’s an asshole. he makes his wife do everything when she has so many health problems to deal with. and his fuckifn daughter in an asshole to her. he had her before he got married again and that girl does nothing but piss me off. she literally does nothing to help when she comes to visit them. like girl you are 45!!!! start being the grown woman you are and don’t have ur stepmom do everything for you like ur a child. and her kids are ever worse. they never wanna do anything with Y, which is why I love my Y. she’s just the sweetest. and she’s so tough too. I just wish she would stand up to her family. she doesn’t have a whole lotta time left and I just want her to be happy. I used to hang out with her and my grandma all the time at her house and it was so fun. but yk I grew up. and I just feel so bad for leaving her. my grandma hangs out with her ofc but it’s not as much as it was. and like I said, her step daughter doesn’t like doing crafts or even helping her with anything so she just sucks. so I try to hang out with her as much as possible. but i’m just so busy or tired and I feel so bad. today she was talking about a pizza oven she has and I felt so bad cause her grandsons will go over to make pizza but they don’t want to help her and just have her make it and i’m like “that’s ur grandma wtf???” I understand being spoil by grandparents but these boys are like 19 and 18 and have acted like this their whole life and never help her. last summer I made soap with her and my grandma and I could tell she was having so much fun. like she just wants to do grandma activities but her grandkids suck. so this summer i’m going to make it my mission to spend more time with her. I will be gone for a while but when I get back I wanna make pizza with her and ik that she wanted to try doing resin projects or other crafts and I want to do them with her because that stuffs fun.

anyways. I believe that it’s time to honk shoooo.

just putting a long vent under a read more (i hope)

i should have guessed that after a week of sleeping well (bc sick) i wouldn’t be able to sleep. also i hate my monday class. i have 10 left but god at what cost its completely unbearable and the professor is one of the reasons i dont want to teach anymore. how could you say to people going to school to be a teacher “youre gonna be so stressed and good luck bc it sucks”

i know i dont want to be a teacher anymore and im finishing my degree to get the job i DO want. but at the same time i dont want any job. i hate working. how do people do it. how has my high school italian teacher taught in the same place for 51 years and still going? how does he not feel defeated? i havent even started a Real Job yet and i hate it. i havent had a moments peace or a day without something looming over me since ever. since at least before covid. but then that added ANOTHER thing to loom over me that will never go away.

i hate that i have to have a checklist in my mind of all the things i have to do before i graduate. it should be easy!

-finish classes

-student teach

-get certification

but its NOT that easy. bc in order to finish classes thats this semester. thats 10 more sucky mondays with an awful professor in which i also have to observe 15 hours at a school (on top of the 100 required hours i already did, im not currently in a school and i didnt know about this and we were all so pissed and just another reason i hate this professor), 1 more week of incredibly intensive classes which GREAT! more time for the stinky class. 9 more tuesdays bc the schedule is so weird, all while working part time and doing homework and figuring out student teaching and having personal responsibilities and a relationship and maintaining my health. its no wonder im sick. then once the semester is over its work work work. bc i cant work while i student teach. no break for katie. i have to focus on holidays and pretending to care about people who cant even remember my birthday. its not that hard to remember. i remember all of yours so whats up with that. then i go to orientation for student teaching and then i do it. i dont know where yet! bc i have to email the man who’s been screwing me over every step of the way (another thing for the to do list). and once a week while i student teach i go to a seminar class. a new update to the academic schedule means my class could end at 10:40 pm. who does that. i live an hour away from campus. if my class ends at 10:40 im going to fail. then i do that for “75” days (in quotes bc there’s not even 75 school days in the spring semester yet thats my requirement?) and then i graduate. should be easy peasy. then i go to the real word and back to my part time job while i look for real job so i can move out and live with the one person who gets me and doesnt make me feel bad for living. and we’re gonna have a great life together but thats another to do list. find an apartment find a job move pay rent pay utilities try not to kill yourself make friends even though you’re socially inept ever since leaving college and your social life is in shambles. eat healthy.

im literally a mess and im so congested and i hate not sleeping and this is just making it worse. i have james taylor in my head and my stomach hurts so bad bc i ate like shit today. i wish i could turn off my brain and i tried using headspace app and thats another thing. i updated my student status and they sent me a confirmation. yet charged me for full price. and you cant even unsubscribe yourself. you need to email someone and so i did and they sent me back “we got ur email! sorry we’re taking so long:(((“ and charged me with a full smile on their stupid faces. if i can figure out how to rip from that app you bet your asses i will

i really need a break.

i feel so bad getting this degree and its not bc im wasting my own money. my parents are paying and they’re so supportive and dont care that id rather do something education-adjacent and my boss at my part time job says she’d be so happy to have me while i figure my shit out after graduation. all i have to do is drag my lifeless body across the stage at graduation. i have a part time job after that and i wont be tackling things alone after that. i have good references and im qualified for the job i want. all i have to do is get there but its SO HARD and i can’t stop thinking about how much its going to take to get me there. its like looking at a number line. sure YOU see the whole number integers but to me there’s a universe in between 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5. im trying so hard to not get caught up in those universes but man does that take brain capacity i do not possess.

if i have to work forever into an endless oblivion im going to hit myself in the face with a brick. i love having days off and going to museums and walking through the park and going around to coffee shops and record stores and just enjoying life. if my quality of life enjoyment is diminishing NOW what will it be like when i have to go to work every day instead of having off two days a week for school and to catch up on life?? am i doomed to be boring and hate life?? how can i live if i cant LIVE? (2 am drama,everyone.) the thought of taking “personal days” seems like hell to me. i just dont want to work on a schedule like that. i can give 10000% at work its been seen its been done but i control the schedule right now. take that away and it’s over

at least my dog barking at 2 am did not wake me up. i am already up sir and i feel like my butt is on fire. and my legs are so restless.

and another thing? he’s barking bc my sister is coming home. ever since she moved back home things are worse for me. she’s so messy and i am so not and it really gets under my skin and overwhelms me. and she is inconsiderate of other people and takes my stuff. why do i have to parent my older sister. doesnt she know she’s building up my resentment for her. i dont want to spend time with her and my mom looooves to guilt me about it bc of her relationship with her sister. but then she and my dad go and mumble under their breath about how they cant wait for her to finish her masters thesis (not gonna happen,im gonna graduate with my masters before her and she’s two years older than me and has been working on thesis for 3+ years now) and leave bc she’s turning our house into a trainwreck. why cant she just live with her boyfriend who is (to me) deadbeat. nice guy but like i dont even know what his job is? is there one? (also not fair to him bc the standards for partners in my family have been set verrry high: see above future roommate. he is universally adored while sister bf? jury is still out. also i maintain that my sister is a homewrecker. i guess both figuratively and literally at this point.)

anyways my tumblr is getting laggy so i guess thats my sign to end this. im sure that i will not sleep.

i work really hard and i can't win. i'm doing really bad at work learning my new position that i busted my ass to get and i feel so dumb and i can't even try to talk about it bc i cry bc i'm so sensitive to it bc i really want this and i want a good work life balance but i can't have that if works not computing. i haven't been able to work properly in months and it's bc i haven't been taking my adderall.

i transfer for my new job on monday. I DONT HAVE A CAR! my fucking car is still broken and being worked on. i've poured my savings into this car, my savings that i'm trying to use for school. the one thing i care for most. school. my fucking little dumb seemingly unattainable dream of being a therapist :D how am i gonna get to work bro.

i start grad school in three weeks and i'm so scared. every time i try to get mroe familiarized i'm interrupted by some shit. it's so expensive and i fear nothing will click bc nothing is at work. i'm scared that if it does click, i'll still struggle because i'm working 40 hours and i don't know what i'm even doing. i feel like i'm pouring money into the one thing i want most and i'm gonna fuck it up!!!! this is all i want!!! i just want to be a therapist so fucking bad but there's road blocks!!!

i know i need to be patient and grind for what i want but i'm gonna fuck it up! BC GUESS WHAT THERES MORE

my cyclothymia is doing its thing and i'm really sad and depressed and unmotivated and i can't feel properly. i've been with this guy for a few months and he's awesome. he treats me perfectly, he takes care of me, he gets along with my family- and is also a lot older than i am. but that's not the problem. i just can't do a relationship and ** ***** high key like things just haven't been the same i just randomly stopped feeling the same way about him but he's so in love with me and i thought i felt the same but then i saw my friend and her partner and it made me realize i'm not :) i know what i'm like when i'm in love and immm jsut not. or maybe it's different but he's not the one i don't think and now i'm like oh

but is that me talking or my incapability of feeling that rn bc i'm depressed. i'm also convinced i just won't find romantic love in this life and i've been saying that bc of the love i have for my friend sis honestly enough.

i love my girl friends though like i literally can't get enough of them and they are why i'm alive. they're my favorite people ever!

i would like to add that my body is ruined. it is upsetting. bc even if i make it i will die young. my hips are so fucked i can barely walk. i keep getting infections. and candida overgrowth in multiple ways. and my brain is rotten. my hands keep cramping and having trouble moving bc my bones r fucked. which is giving me tendinitis. i have an eating disorder so i either binge or starve. bc i don't feel hungry just sick if it's even that. and i drink a lot!

but at least i'm trying right.

and like i'm so capable of dealing with other peoples problems like i have a lot of chaos but i really can and that's why i want to be a therapist bc like fuck let me help you!!!

but things just keep happening. and people in my life keep needing me at times when i just need to be alone and detox and try to be okay. my soul is being torn apart by the limbs. all of these things i just talked about are happening consistently one after another, where the physical deterioration is sprinkled between the life situations. and it sucks. things won't stop happening i just want peace so bad like a day of no physical pain or mental anguish bc im in a rough fucking spot and it's just exhausting

this is me trying. i'm trying i'm trying i'm trying like i'm doing my fucking best but i csnt stay awake bc of my brain and my body both being so injured. and i keep hurting the people around me, not all but yeah the men. always hurting men. not my kiggs though he's my angel baby. they don't deserve it, im just destroyed!

sorry i feel like after every single migraine i have i need to do a self reflection afterward

holy shit so i woke up. at 2am like i said i would and my migraine is gone im still kinda weird so im gonna go back to sleep to make sure its entirely gone bc being on my phone again is making me wary of it returning but like. my 2am estimate was spot on LMAO

But anyway uhm my real holy shit moment is the fact that. this was the very first migraine ive ever experienced where i never got sick. which kind of made it miserable because i normally cope with migraines by, uhm TMI + emetophobia warning, but i normally cope with the pain because puking makes the pain stop for a few minutes, and thats normally when im finally able to fall asleep, so i normally spend the entire migraine mostly sleeping and then just waking up briefly to puke again and then go back to sleep, and then over the course of the next 6 hours each time i wake up the pain gradually weakens until its gone. but when i dont puke its just pain and pain and theres no relief it took me two entire hours to finally fall asleep today and i was even like rocking bakc and forth trying to make myself nauseous to puke to get some relief but it just wouldnt happen im surprised i even fell asleep within two hours but i did and i slept right through until 2am and now my migraines gone.

this sort of happened with the last migraine i had except if i rememeber correctly i did puke, but only once, and it was after that one time that i was able to sleep the rest off, and that happened about an hour into it but it was still a miserable hour. and again even just getting sick only one time is an outlier for me

i did take excedrin right at the beginning of my migraine today, which my mom has been using for her own migraines, and she also got me to take it last time as well, so im wondering if the excedrin is whats making my migraines less intense in terms of getting sick. and also the pain hasnt been as bad as it normally is, but again its still a migraine so its still Bad, so i still kinda wanna get sick just for relief. bur when the pain is its normal level then i like NEED to get sick so i can get relief. so i guess in exchange for not getting sick, i get less pain as well, but its like, it kinda makes it more of a miserable experience than a normal migraine because i dont get any relief. so i dont know i have mixed feelings about excedrin if its gonna make it harder for me to sleep off my migraines which is my main way of coping with it

bur then the other part of me is wondering, this frequency of migraines is really new and abnormal. im normally on a strict 2 year schedule, my last on-schedule migraine was in fall 2021 i wasnt scheduled for another migraine until fall 2023, but then i got one in october 2022, i think i got one again sometime a month or two after that, and now here i am again in march 2023, like three migraines in a row in a year that i wasnt even scheduled to have a single migraine in. some part of me is worried it might be an effect of accutane but hopefully since im off it now and its getting out of my system i’ll make my way back to my old schedule (if it even is a side effect of accutane) cuz like it sucks getting one this frequently, although its still not as bad as people who have like actual chronic migraines like my mom who gets one every 2-3 weeks, or others who get them even more frequently than that. but it still sucks yknow lol

the only other thing i can think of that might be causing migraines more frequently is that like. either my chronic sleep deprivation is catching up to me, or like. shits so bad im seriously wondering if every little thing wrong with me lately can be like a physical side effect of having severe depression like im seriously about to google if depression can make migraines worse cuz i dont know anything anymore. especially because i was in such a shit ass fucking mood this morning and then lo and behold migraine

so anyway im also wondering if maybe just the fact that these migraines are off schedule might be making them weaker than my normal ones. like my 2 year schedule ones are the mega migraines the things that last 6-8 hours, the ones that cause the huge entire, UNMISTAKABLE auras that cover my whole vision (rather than my wimpy ones lately that have me doubting if its an aura at all until its already almost over), the ones that have me bedridden within minutes of the aura ending, the ones that have the worst pain of my life and make sick like every 20 minutes, etc. And then maybe these off schedule ones, since theyre off schedule, might be weaker, have me sick less offen and with less pain, and tend to be slightly shorter than normal, etc? but i dont know it probably is just the excedrin causing the difference

rant below

im so goddamn stressed out about every fuckin thing right now i want to cry

law school apps suck ass and i am so frustrated and so sick of doing them. the more i think about it the more i am absolutely dreading actually going to law school which probably isnt good but you dont go to law school to have fun you go to get the degree so i might as well suck it up and keep going because i dont know what else to do especially because i feel like im letting everyone down if i call it quits right now so who cares !!! i wont be happy for the next three years if i do end up going but im not happy now so why the fuck not

work is hella stressful and i feel like im falling behind on my projects which sucks because i was so ahead of them like a few weeks ago but there are so many things to keep track of now and work travel is also getting in the way of my law school apps but i have to do it all so here we are

my parents are also on my ass about everything and i cant deal with them and all my own shit and i dont even live with them anymore but they just wont go away and if this is what the rest of my life is going to be like we can go ahead and stop that right now

i want to scream. i want to cry. im so done with everything but i dont have the capacity to do anything but put my head down and get through it

oh deer (lol this is cringy)

hiii. so my morning was actually really nice. i woke up, went to the gym with my sis, got back home, ate and made my meals for the day then went to go get ready for work. while i was showering grace (my sis) got my clothes and all my “getting ready” things together for me and she even made and brought me my coffee. omfg and she made my bed for me lol. ive loved having her home from college. she really is my best friend. i feel like i can literally talk to her about anything and everything and there is no judgment or negative thoughts/feelings. i go to her for just about anything and she is always there. ANYWAYS, i left home and was bee bopping on my way to work listening to some music and just doing my thang. well i was almost to work and i freaking deer jumps out in front of me. i was only going about 35mph so the damage isnt that bad, but my hood is a little bent up and my grill is a little busted. other than that though my car is fine. i did however get in touch with my insurance guy and hes referring me to this place to get it fixed without filing a claim if i dont have to. hopefully its not too much money, but either way i just want my car fixed. i wouldnt mind driving around a cute little rental car either. 

im currently at work right now, its nap time. i really cannot wait to start my new job. this place is just forever getting on my nerves. i love tammy to death (my co-teacher) but damn she is lazy. like when the kids need something shes always like trying to sneak tell them to ask me so that i will do it. and dont even get me started on the admin here. theyre just as bad if not worse. i was supposed to get finger printed like 2 or 3 weeks ago but i was sick on the day i was scheduled so i missed it and they just keep getting on my ass about rescheduling it like its my job to do so. which its not by the way. but little do they know its my last week here so it doesnt even matter. they just all get on my nerves here. its like no one wants to do their job and i mean thats why half the workers are leaving and why the whole class comes to me instead of the lead lol. i am going to miss the kids somewhat but not enough for me to stay and the pay here sucks. but yeah im going to work this week out and then text melanie (the director) that i quit. i dont care how unprofessional that is only because when they hired me here they made me not put in a 2 weeks notice to my previous job like i didnt have a choice and you know what they say.. “do unto others like you would want done to you” or something like that. then ill just have a week to chill and get into my new routine because quite literally fuck this place and lowkey fuck my schedule right now too. 

ive been really good this year about keeping a positive mindset and not letting certain things get to me. i plan to keep it that way for the whole year and only work on bettering myself. i have weeded out most toxic aspects of my life and have gained more positive and encouraging in replace. i believe this year is only going to get better and more successful. one of my personal goals for this year is to read as many books as my height. thats crazy sounding i know but i am already off to a decent start with one book lol. 

nap time is almost over so i am going to go ahead and sign off now. byeeee

oc is back on her bullshit!!! miss out and about im gonna forget about you!! im so sorry for this part actually. descriptions of oc sleeping with someone who is not jaykay (warning!! infidelity but not really). suppressed feelings on jks side. chayoung is still Suspicious. everyone is now mildly shitty actually. roughly 2k. listen to not gonna cry by emma steikbakken and stranger by tove lo.

titled — fuel to the fire

It's been three days since you last spoke to Jeongguk (and four weeks since your break-up). Not about your relationship or the horrendous state your sudden break-up left you in, or about the fact that Jeongguk had moved on before your heart had even registered the cracks he'd left in his wake. No, not that – none of the actual life changing important stuff, only him briefly mentioning that you needed to hand in your event proposal for the student committee before the deadline approached. It was unbelievably strange to watch the person you'd basically surgically attached to your being behave like a complete stranger. It didn't help that he didn't seemed unfazed approaching you, while you on the other hand actively avoided him and all the usual corners of campus where he liked to lurk (which sucked because those corners were some of your favourites places too). But there he was, ambling to you with an ease that made your gut violently twist, acrid bile slithering up your throat.

He'd spoken so freely, the sound of your name on his tongue a brand on your skin. You'd frozen, heart a wild animal locked in your chest, before you could summon the mettle to look him in the face.

The first thing you noted was that his hair was no longer long. Dark locks cropped short around his ears now and casually gelled back, idle strands playfully framing his face. His features are what you settled on next, eager eyes remapping the sharp slope of his nose, easily identifying the sneaky dimple on his cheek begging to burst free and then shifting down to the dark mark right below his soft pink lips.

Your first instinct was to pull him into your arms but they were frozen, glued to the table beneath you before that blinding rage rose it's head, sparking through your veins the longer you looked at him.

He didn't even seem to realise it, rattling off the list of things you needed to email him for the spring scavenger hunt or else the event could be cancelled (which sucked because that was an idea you had created with Jeongguk and now you were stuck carrying the bulk of the event alone).

Your replies had been curt, blunt as they left your lips before you'd pointedly turned away. Maybe if you had looked a little longer you would detected the lingering gaze he granted your features, how he shuffled on his feet, unsure and hesitant, words on his tongue longing to be released. Eventually he had swallowed him down, mumbled a quick goodbye and wandered off, the hands shoved in the pockets of his baggy jeans aching to hold yours again.

You, however, didn't miss the muffled giggles of girls he passed on his way out, a sick icky feeling clogging your throat. You didn't mind the fan girls when you were dating because you knew Jeongguk was yours and yours alone. But now? When he'd moved on not even a weak after your break-up you didn't know how to feel. Jealous, maybe. Furious, absolutely. For a second, you considered throwing your mini stapler at their huddled heads, weighing the odds of possibly going to jail for assault. But there was no reason to truly justify that reaction, not when Jeongguk was single and apparently available for everyone. But did that feeling still brew inside of you? Turning into something black and vile and vengeful? Perhaps.

And maybe that's why you're here now, the body of some boy pressing against yours, your bare back prickling as the night wind grazes against it. The dress you'd plucked from your closet was criminal, clinging to the dips and rounds of your body perfectly, a silky emerald backless piece that shimmered beneath the soft lights of the porch you'd abruptly accoupled. His name might be Lucas – you may have been able to accurately remember that three drinks ago but you're beyond that now. And it didn’t really matter when all you wanted was for him to fuck you. He's also big and huge, massive shoulders caving you in, and his hands is snaking it's way up your thighs, ginger kisses peppered along the span of your neck.

Which is not what you wanted. Not in a one-night stand at least. You don't want soft and gentle, you want something wild – feral even. Something harsh enough to wipe the memory of Jeongguk's hands on your skin, something bright and fierce and new. Something to make you feel alive again.

Lucas gets the hint soon enough, spurred on by the bold movement of your hand guiding his closer, right between your thighs were you wanted him. Deft harsh fingers on your clit followed, pressing against the damp fabric with no remorse. You couldn't help the whimper that floats from your lips, the tension stringing through your limbs finally alleviated.

"Cute," he murmurs, seemly pleased judging from the broad smile that tugs at his lips. You make a noise of agreement in return, drawing in him for a kiss as the pad of this thumb toys with you. There's the sillage of whiskey on his tongue, something that nearly makes you freeze because you're used to tasting that on Jeongguk. But you beat down that apprehension, a muffled moan breaking past your lips when Luca's tongue mets yours.

"My place?" He suggests, lips glimmering from your lip gloss. You smile, a familiar giddiness bubbling in your chest when he shifts a little, hard bulge bumping into the base of your stomach. You give in a little bit more easily than you normally would have, clinging onto his hand as he guides you out of the party towards the neighboring building. Chayoung and Sieun are going to kill you later for this but you simply can't force yourself to care. 

"You're in that frat?" You finally murmur out when he keys himself into the building. Lucas hums, glowing under the moonlight when he smiles at you.

"Mhm, Sigma Chi for life, babe."

Babe. A complete one-eighty from the bunny you'd grown accustomed to.

It hits a little harder when he gets you into his room, the mess unlike anything you'd ever seen at Jeongguk's (he's very anal but his room and how clean it should be, specific down even to the various scents he kept around to ensure the air he breathed was perfect). Lucas was the average frat boy, messy but neat enough that you find yourself naked on his bed a couple moments later, his tongue deep inside of you. Your brain couldn't help but recall the last time a head had settled between your thighs, Jeongguk eager to lick out the pool of cum he'd left there. But this wasn't him and as of five seconds ago you decided you’re no longer allowed to think about him.

Lucas makes it easy, tongue skilled and swift around your clit, a fervour in his movements that leaves you dripping down his chin. Jeongguk evaporates from your mind entirely when Lucas descends on you, his mouth glistening and his tongue tasting of you. His kisses are hungry now, forceful, just what you need. Your palms stray down his wide back, a strange tingle erupting in your gut when your nails dig and he groans right down your throat.

"You're so big," the comment is a mumbled slur, lost in Lucas's mouth. For a second, you think he misunderstands, his hard cock twitching against your thigh. You're actually talking about his shoulders; they're broad, muscles rippling every time he shifts to press you harder into the mattress. You like the weight of him on you, it makes forgetting easier.

But Lucas knows what you're saying, discerning your wandering fingers and clouded eyes well.

"I know," he returns with lopsided smile. "Perks of swimming."

Oh, of course he was an athlete. Maybe you had a type after all.

Before Jeongguk has a moment to resurface Lucas has you in his arms, easily twisting you around so that your face is buried in his sheets. It short-circuits you, brain sparking with how large and huge and strong he feels. The following sudden press of his lips against your ass doesn’t help, your heart thumping loud in your head as your shuffle onto your elbows.

"Good?" Lucas asks, rising to fetch a condom from his drawer.

"Mhm," you return, thighs trembling when he returns. He easily lines himself up with you, the head of his cock pressed into you coaxing a low groan from your throat. The first thrust hurts, probably because you're body isn't as on board with this as you thought. But that changes quick when Lucas's hand slides underneath you, swiftly settling on your clit until you're leaking around his length, skin tight with tension and sweat beading along the length of your back. The stretch feels strange – he's larger than Jeongguk, wider. At first it's too uncomfortable to feel good. Your senses narrow on the sound of your meeting instead, loud and lewd, your pussy squelching with every drag of his cock inside of you. The ripple of your ass helps you relax too, a pleasant almost dizzy feel spreading through your body when Lucas draws you closer, shoving himself deep inside, the whine floating from his lips painting your skin warm. He fucks you hard enough to leave marks, large fingers digger into your hips with every resounding collide of your bodies. You shiver when he finishes, a grimness appearing on your skin. It's vanished by Lucas tugging you close, his mouth light on your lip as he kisses you, cock slowly slipping out.

It feels better the second round. He's perceptive, quickly learning how you like your clit touched, or that you like when his teeth sink into your skin rather hard. You actually cum this time, spread open over his massive strong thighs, his length splitting you open, the stretched welcomed.

You forgot about Jeongguk and your sore heart for a total of two wonderous hours, before your phone starts blaring from your discarded mini-bag on the floor. Lucas is the one that gets it for you.

"Hi?"

"Y/N! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?" Chayoung's tone is aggrieved, wavering through the sound of some song blasting in the background.

"Oh. I left." You hope she gets it, doesn't press any further. But what was Chayoung if not a button pusher?

"WHERE? YOU WENT HOME? WHEN?"

"No, I'm not home. And awhile ago." Lucas is pointedly not listening, pattering through the adjacent bathroom of his room. The pressure ebbs when he turns the tap on loud.

"WHAT?"

"I said I'm not home! And please stop yelling!"

There's a loaded pause. You can feel Chayoung thinking through the line. "Okay... Who are you with?"

"Fine, yes I'll meet you there," you say instead, completely ignoring her question. Lucas is out of the bathroom now, massive and still naked as his knee sinks into the mattress. He crawls to you as you scramble to get out, phone wedged between your shoulder and ear. "Yeah, yeah I know I'm sorry. I'll come get you."

"What the hell are you talking about Y/N? Who are you with?" Chayoung's words are bitter now, stinging as they hit your ear.

"Gimme five seconds, I'll be right there," you return, swiftly cutting the call. Chayoung is going to kill you the second you see her but you'd rather attempt to live through that than Lucas overhearing you gossip about him on the phone with your friend. The man in question is watching you with a chary gaze as you hurriedly tug your dress over your head. "Sorry," you supply, pulling the hem down hard over your butt. "My friend needs me."

He nods slow, strawberry blond locks swaying. He's actually very hot, an observation that has you stilling for a second.

"Cool. See you around, yeah?" His eyes are round and big, bright even – almost like Jeongguk's. That breaks the spell.

"Yeah, see you around." And then you take the chance to flee, bag swung over your shoulder. Except Lucas halts you with a low cough, raising his hand, something bunched up in it.

"You forget this, though." It's your underwear, red and lacy. Your cheeks match the colour of fabric, flushed hot as you pluck it out of his wide palm. Lucas watches you slip them on with a smug smile, one that you should hate but there's a humour in it that blooms through you. He lets you part with a fond squeeze of ass when he gets up to open the door, still grinning.

"See you, Y/N," he says, leaning against the doorframe. He's very tall too, how did you miss that?

"Yeah," you squeak back, eyes shifting from his face with speed. "See you."

He's not Jeongguk, and that's good. He also makes it easy for you to forget about Jeongguk, another plus. And you can't help but wonder as you scurry back to the party, that it might be nice to see him again.

—

That sentiment gets jumbled when Chayoung avidly spills to you later that she'd stumbled into Jeongguk with his hands tangled with another girls, leading her right out of the party as Lucas had lead you. It stings, of course it does, but not as much as the first one. Not when Lucas is in your DMs, his messages sweet albeit corny, and you can still recall the taste of you on his tongue. 

But despite everything, even with Jeongguk a new stranger and Lucas's body warming yours, you haven’t truly let go. You can feel it in how you cling to the clothes Jeongguk had left in your closet. He hadn't requested to come pick them up yet, a fact that keeps a wedge in the door you're not sure you can close alone. Your heart still spikes when you see him on campus, and there's a home game coming around the corner that you're longing to go to. Because you still want to see him. Still want to be by his side Sometimes it felt nice to want to forget but you couldn't – not yet at least, not until you know whether he wants to forget about you too.