i really hate trying to google things related to my intrusive thoughts but i want to try and understand why i think the things i think, but a lot of the time the results i get are unrelated or i get helplines suggested or i end up being triggered by something

it fucking sucks man

i dont want these thoughts, i dont want to deal with this - im very good at stopping myself from following through and at talking myself down when they get bad, i can recognise when they're getting too much for me and have ways to calm down without help

i just want answers as to why its happening so i can better prepare myself for when it happens and adjust my methods for safely resolving my intrusive thoughts in a more productive manner

i just want to know if my occasional sudden urge to drink is just my intrusive thoughts or if its something more, you know???

i have a family history of alcoholism and almost fell deep into a steady pattern of alcohol abuse myself when i was in college before i realised what i was doing and immediately stopped myself before it became a proper problem

are these urges to drink a symptom of a more serious underlying problem or is it just my brain being a piece of shit to me for no fucking reason

i know intrusive thoughts and alcoholism can go hand in hand, my main concern is am I handling these thoughgs correctly or am i setting myself up for hell down the road?

i haven't drank in months, last i drank was cider at Christmas and i had maybe 2 small cans and that was after having nothing for a whole year

and when i did drink in college it wasn't like i was binge drinking, i had a small sip of whisky maybe twice a day whenever i had to go into college and only on those days

that was more than enough as it was, honestly - it can start with just one sip to manage a headache, then its 2 then its 5 then you lose count

the moment i realised i was starting to try and justify drinking when it really couldn't be justified, and that i was falling into a pattern of harmful behaviour that would only worsen if i continued to ignore it, i immediately got rid of the last of my whisky and have never touched a drop since

i know not everyone can do that, I was incredibly lucky that i realised what i was doing before i couldn't stop myself

but now im worried that i had already done irreparable damage by that point

had i? or is it just my intrusive thoughts making me feel like i need alcohol so everything will be okay?? this bothers me a lot

i wont drink, i can't really rn anyway with the current state of my diabetes, but the urges are getting more and more frequent it feels like

and i am so fucking tired

anything that helps me shut up the urges would help a lot, even if it's just knowledge of what is causing them to start with

if i know what the problem is i can work on a solution

problem is, i dont know what the fucking problem is

the stress this causes does not help suppress the intrusive thoughts, as you can probably imagine, and only makes drinking sound all the more appealing.... the fucking joys

for the record, i am safe and sound tonight im just angry

angry and tired and angry at being tired and tired of being angry and maybe im also feeling a little bit robbed

but I'll be okay, just needed to voice this Bullshit somewhere

the ravens know i cant say any of this to my family lmao

fr tho, any info or advice is appreciated guys 💕

Hello! I was wondering if you had any resources for doubt in your faith and God? I know doubt is a very healthy part of faith, but it still feels very scary. I've always believed in God but lately I've been doubting lately, and it genuinely makes me sad. I feel like God has held me so many times and has been there for me and others so many times, but for some reason I still doubt. I have OCD and it attacks the values I care about the most, and I'm pretty sure why I'm doubting God so much is because of that. It just scares me because I genuinely don't want to let go of my faith. It also feels awful because sometimes I pray and try to connect with God and im very content and believe in God, and then a couple minutes later I'm back to doubting His existence and it just feels so awful, having these ups and downs. I don't want to let go of God, especially the God that loves me so much. I have nothing against atheists or anything, I just can't imagine myself not believing and trusting in God. If you could also please pray for me that would be amazing. Thank you so much, may God always be with you <3

I'm sending you love and support, anon. Doubt is difficult; it's okay to feel scared or saddened or anything else by it. Doubt being a natural part of faith doesn't change that. Especially when you know your OCD is at play; I feel deeply for you as you struggle with that sense of an internal attack on what you hold dear, and I know God aches for you, too.

I want to start with the promise that when you have doubts, God isn't mad at you for it, or disappointed. God is with you in it. You won't lose your relationship with God, not ever! I know it's one thing to know that logically, and another to truly feel it, but I hope the knowledge brings a little comfort.

My main recommendation is Barbara Brown Taylor's book Learning to Walk in the Dark, which explores a "lunar spirituality" that accepts that faith, like the moon with its phases, waxes and wanes naturally. It also invites the reader to sit with difficult emotions like fear and sadness as important parts of the human experience, with advice for feeling more comfortable with emotions and experiences that those of us raised with a "solar spirituality" are taught to avoid at all costs.

If you're interested, your local library or even church library may have a copy; if not and you're unable to afford a copy for yourself, message me and I'll buy you a copy (ebook or used paperback). (You can read a few excerpts here first if you're not sure whether it's the book for you.)

Beyond that, you may find some helpful stuff in my doubt tag, or my #faith tag.

I will be holding you in my prayers <3

O God who knows our pain, our fears, our sorrows intimately, enfold this person in your comfort and warmth. Help them feel how your love is without end, without conditions, and is far stronger than any doubt they could have or thought their OCD could construct. Hold them close as they journey through their doubts, and learn to ask questions without fear. In time, may they come know to a joy that is deeper than easy answers, a faith that can weather the chillest doubt and even draw nourishment from that doubt. Amen.

i am working through something and i wanted to express it somewhere but it feels too personal to say publicly.. and your blog feels like a safe place to confess things.. I want to go on hrt but am terrified of my mother's reaction. she knows im trans and is a lot more ok with it than she used to be but she still doesn't understand and is really bothered by her own lack of understanding. and my sense is that when my appearance changes from T shes going to hate it and be extremely upset. I'm an adult and I dont want to be controlled by my mother's feelings but due to my family dynamics growing up I have rotated around her feelings my whole life, its not as bad as it used to be but i still feel her feelings are dangerous and painful to me. I have a great support system, im blessed with so many friends and even my older siblings who I wasn't close with have been very supportive of me being trans. I dont need to be scared, materially I will be safe and loved even if my mother hurts me. but still its so terrifying to me. I want to get over this and not feel so dependent on her approval, but at the same time i dont even know if its possible. who can help wanting their mother to love them? or even more than love, because i know she does love me and thats really why its so hard, i want her to approve of me and be happy for me. I dont want the happiness i know i will feel from going on hrt to be ruined by her hating my life choices. my spiritual life is pushing me to take control of my life and bring my internal self and reality into the material, I know i cant keep ignoring my own physical desires and living with dissonance between the internal and external...so im moving towards that and i know i'll get there regardless its just terrifying and i wanted to talk about it.. uhh ya sorry this is so personal and emotional i hope it isnt uncomfortable for you or anyone else to read because i know these are really painful issues for many people. and i don't expect you to have any advice necessarily i know htese are huge issues to work through... i just wanted to express it and put it into the world that i'm working on this. thank you for letting me use your askbox to talk! hope your day is great

thankyou for trusting me with your confession anon <3 its not at all uncomfortable to me for you to confide your feelings.. Does anyone who's transitioned have supportive advice they cld leave for anon in the replies? i dont want to speak on something i havent personally experienced.

One thing i do relate to immensely is having a mother who doesn't try to see you as a unique individual, and becomes very displeased when u act in ways that don't align with her worldview. my mom will straight up tell me i look ugly with pink hair. my mom knows i make music but she's never asked to hear one of my songs. she doesn;t want to know about anything that interests me or my motivations in life. etc etc. and it's that same feeling of like, well, she does Love me i think, but i'll never feel that she truly approves of me. idk what the answer is..in my own life it has lead to me being quite a distant person, and rebellious in nature, i coped with it by purposefully leaning into the parts of me she disapproved of most. but idk if that's been healthy for me.

ultimately, we will disappoint everyone in our lives at one point or another.. Sometimes even when u try ur best to please someone it still doesn't work out. so please dont be too hard on urself <3 One thing im learning to cope with my ocd spirals (usually body dysmorphia or guilt related) is to "zoom out", try and redirect my thoughts to the bigger picture of life, it makes my own problems feel smaller in a way that doesn;t silence or dismiss them, just re-contextualizes them in that moment and makes it feel less imminent & overwhelming. mayb i can talk more about methods and analogies for this sometime.

Hope u can find some peace anon and i'm sure your hopes and dreams will materialize for u if u just keep going & focusing your energy on ur dreams. Stay safe <333 PMD9

not sure how any of this will be taken but it is all well-meaning and if i seem harsh anywhere it is probably the autism, because i don't hold malice toward you.

i appreciate your response to everything that's been happening. i must admit that it hasn't changed my opinions on the posts you've made or art in question, but i want to emphasize that suspecting someone is a pedophile or a zoophile is Never something i deprive joy or satisfaction from (it's just scary.), and hearing you explicitly say you are neither and explain why is truly a genuine relief.

i do believe you when you say you are neither. i am also appalled to hear that anyone has compared you to people like hypnotistsappho, i cant imagine how awful that would feel.

while my opinions (in regards to the art in question, the enjoyment of minor/adult relationships, or my belief that engaging with potentially dangerous paraphilias is indeed a bad idea) will likely never be changed, i did read what you've said in good faith and i will make an effort to atleast think over the points youve made. i also do not believe in thoughtcrime and do recognize that many of us can fall into black/white thinking regarding kink and the like.

i personally am also into kink, although it falls into "tamer" categories (for lack of ability to think up a better word), and to an extent i understand where some of what you say is coming from. i suppose regardless of my personal morals, in the grand scheme of things, as long as you arent hurting anyone (which you thankfully dont appear to be) it isn't my business and i don't need to understand anyway.

there is one post i wish you'd addressed but i can see why you didn't because it wasn't really in discussion much, and maybe isn't as big a deal as i am making it out to be. but as someone else with diagnosed ocd your post about (and forgive me because i do not remember the exact wording of your post. i promise i am not trying to put exact words in your mouth) "antis secretly enjoying the things that they claim disgust them" was really gut-punching to see and to be completely honest i felt a lot less open to hearing your side of things for a while after learning about it, because it just felt so mean spirited...

i know it wasn't aimed at other people with ocd but i wish you'd taken into account that other people with ocd would probably see that post before making it. especially since ocd is something you have personal experience with and know what it is like to suffer from. while we may disagree over the morality of much of what's being discussed, i am sure we can both agree as people with ocd that being told you secretly enjoy the thoughts that scare and disgust you or that go against your morals is never fun. it is a trigger for me but i think it is rude to imply this even to people without ocd. im not sure what i want to get out of sharing this. but i did want to be honest about how that post came off to me since i feel quite dissatisfied about it

all that really matters i guess is that you've provided clarification and were honest in your post. i really had no idea what else to think with what information and pieces we had beforehand, and now i simply hope we can all quietly avoid eachother in peace.

That's all I really want. I just want to be heard and understood. I really appreciate this. I'd rather be in civil disagreement than fight each other.

As for your concern on that post - I completely understand the concern there. There was a context for that image and I didn't expect it to be shared on other sites. I made that at a time when a lot of people were making "my favorite ship dynamics" tweets but using it to vilify other ships. It was kind of a trend to post your favorite ship dynamics with a doodle of generic blob people showing the dynamic. A lot of these were "problematic" tropes and a lot of people started a pushback trying to shame the original tweets. I was annoyed seeing tweets all the time that essentially boiled down to "the best and only valid ship dynamics are healthy and wholesome relationships." So I made that as a jab at them. I see a lot of hypocrisy among those types. I know a lot of people, including myself, would preach only what we deemed as healthy or unproblematic but had deeply repressed interests in the "problematic." And also heard of many instances where someone like that would be found creating and/or consuming equally nasty art. It was meant to point that out. I didn't mean to imply that everyone actually has secret taboo fetishes or that people genuinely upset by certain tropes are lying. I understand that can be upsetting and I apologize I made people feel that. Like I said I didn't think it would leave that context. It was just supposed to highlight a harmful attitude I kept seeing. In hindsight I could have made that clearer. I want people to accept their fantasies and not live like they're trying to cover them up by being a hostile moral crusader but I dont want others to feel hurt for that to happen. Again I'm sorry that it came to people getting triggered by what I said

Hello. This might be a bit of an unorthodox ask, or maybe not. I’m also fully aware no one can make this choice for me, but it’s also not a choice I want to make alone.

So I’m a Latine Catholic. My family was never all that religious. They never had a problem with my queerness or been all too bothered by what I actually believed. We are already somewhat out of the box- my father doesn’t believe in going to church and he doesn’t believe in an afterlife. My mother believes in reincarnation and an eventual, inevitable Heaven. I told my mom once that I was considering paganism and she was just interested in what I could tell her about the theology. So the problem is me. I have ocd and a deep fear of hell and of G*d’s judgement. I spiraled so badly into scrupulosity two years ago that I consider it a religious trauma. I relaxed, eventually, but not without having learned a lot about religion, including about Judaism. It shaped a lot of what I believe, and I deeply, deeply want to convert and be truly Jewish. I’m in love with the religion in a way I have only found pieces of in my own. But that’s the problem. I do love parts of my religion- the saints and Jesus and the mysticism. and deep down Im still terrified of a hell I don’t believe in. But no matter how many times I resolve to stay Catholic, the desire to be Jewish doesn’t leave, and I feel guilty for it. Terrified G*d will punish me for it. But do you think it’s possible to be called to follow another religious path? That, perhaps, I was born to make this choice?

Sorry if this is a lot. I’ve just been confused for like two years now so I thought I’d give asking someone else a shot. Hope you’re well

Hello beloved,

I'm finally answering this! I did not forget you, and have been thinking about your ask and praying for you in the past couple weeks. I've just been dealing with my own stuff—the delay was not because it was too unorthodox or too much, neither of which exist in my inbox :)

I wanted to start out by saying that I'm so proud of how far you've come and am so sorry you've had so much trouble. Your problems might be more internal than external, but I promise that doesn't make you a problem. You are not the problem—just thought I'd make sure you know that.

I just wanted to note that "I'm still terrified of a hell I don't believe in" is such a true and raw statement and I connect with it so deeply.

Trauma can change our lives in terrifying ways, and it's usually not what we had in mind for ourselves. The very existence of trauma implies a life-changing event(s), and so the fact that your life is changing is perfectly reasonable. Many others more knowledgeable and articulate than I have spoken about trauma, but just know that you're not alone in feeling confusion and pain.

Your relationship to faith sounds beautiful and meaningful as well as painful, and it makes me so happy that you've found beauty in religion even after experiencing trauma. There are many people for whom multiple religious traditions affect their theology—you're not alone and it's not weird.

I connect immensely to Judaism—check out my tag! Judaism is an absolutely beautiful, holy religion that any Christian with any knowledge of their history should support and affirm. We worship a traditionally Jewish god. I affirm that a Palestinian Jew brought us salvation.

Yes, I believe it's possible to be called to a religion. As a Christian, I believe that Jesus is the true Messiah, but I also believe everyone is called to serve God in different ways, and that I don't know everything. I wrote in this ask about whether only Christians would be saved, and how I look at other faiths.

I'm a Lutheran Christian not because I believe wholly in everything Christians preach, or because I don't feel connected to other traditions, but because for me, right now, this is the way I am closest to God and serve Them. Being a part of a faith community doesn't mean you agree with everything 100%, and converting doesn't mean you let go of everything you've believed in the past. You can stay connected to saints and Jesus and mysticism while pursuing a life in the Jewish tradition. Obviously different traditions look at things like this differently, but ultimately, don't let anyone take those connections you have away from you. Whether you're a Jew with connections to Catholicism or a Catholic with connections to Judaism—you'll end up kind of unorthodox either way, but you'll be you.

You were definitely born to do this. I don't know exactly what this is, mind you, but you're here and you're asking these questions for a reason, and I believe there is an existence out there for you full of peace and holiness.

Questions to ask yourself/things to think about:

In what faith space/tradition do you see yourself most able to serve God, your neighbor, and yourself?

Is the religious tradition you're in right now accepting of your connections to other faiths? Would the tradition you convert to be?

Imagine being a Catholic for your entire life. What emotions come up? Are you satisfied/fulfilled? Will you spend every moment wondering what your life would be like if you made a different choice?

Is the only reason you're still a Christian fear? Is that something you want to build your faith on? What could you build your faith on instead? What would that look like?

God will always be there. To come back to, to call by a different name, to pray to in a different language, to be angry at, to be scared of, to worship. No matter how far you think you're running or where you go, God is with you.

I wrote this ask about choosing a denomination, but some of it applies here too.

Let me know if there's anything I can do for you! Sending you so much love and keeping you in my prayers.

<3 Johanna

Hey Samantha, I'm the POCD anon. I've been really trying not to entertain the nasty thoughts and TBH my reaction to them and the thoughts themselves have gone down a lot. I'm just left with a lotnof guilt. I'm scared I guess cause of the sudden appearance of those people who call themselves nomaps and I get scared that I'm like them. Like I get scared I feel that way about kids but I just would never hurt them, like they say they do. When I had the groinal response or whatever I remember-

-feeling awful because I didn't dislike the feeling but then I read online that it's kind of normal for people to sort of like the g response but detest the thoughts? Which I kind of accepted but now I feel like maybe I should have fought against that and maybe I shouldn't have been okay with the feeling. Im also filled with guilt because I always would test myself to see my reaction, I would think about things to see my body response (checking) andd now I'm worried I was doing that just to-

-feel the g response and was just using the checking as an excuse. Thing is that whenever I thought about kids getting hurt or me hurting kids the idea was horrible to me and knew I didn't like it, but when I would see an image of a kid or think of a kid doing nothing I would get really strong groins feeling. Sometimes I feel as if I made myself have the g response to see if I could feel that way when thinking of those images. I've never felt compelled to do anything to kids. I feel so guilty.

Hi there,

I’m so sorry that I didn’t reply sooner! We always try toanswer follow-up asks right away, but I had to take a couple weeks off from theblog after getting really sick and then getting behind in school, so I just nowcome across your ask as I was updating the tag list. So, again, I apologize fortaking so long to reply! I’ll keep a closer look at the new asks we get in caseyou send another one and then I can get back to you sooner.

It’s great to hear that you haven’t been struggling quite asmuch as you were when you originally messaged us! That’s really encouraging. Iactually learned about the different types of OCD in school last week and a lotof what I read reminded me of you and the things you’ve been dealing with. Yes,it’s extremely common for people with OCD to detest the thoughts that theirdisorder causes them, so you’re definitely not alone there.

A lot of what you’re dealing with right now (checking,guilt, etc.) is really just your POCD talking. Something I found reallyinteresting about OCD when I learned about the disorder last week was thedifferent ways the brains of people with and without OCD process intrusivethoughts. Intrusive thoughts, to a certain extent, are actually normal.Everyone has them. However, the difference is that people without OCD can brushoff the thoughts and recognize that the thoughts don’t really mean anything. Onthe other hand, there’s a part of the brain in people with OCD that processesthese thoughts as overly important.

For example, someone with OCD may be obsessed withcleanliness – a person without OCD might think, “Oh, this kitchen counter looksdirty” and then clean it before going about their day, but someone with OCDmight think, “Oh, this kitchen counter is dirty, so I need to scrub it for 20minutes or else any food on this counter could also become contaminated andsomeone could get poisoned and die if they eat that food.” That might seem abit extreme, but it’s just an example of the different ways of thinking someonewith OCD has. Based off what you’ve described, it sounds like this could be what’sgoing on with you – you experience a groinal response and then your brainbasically takes the intrusive thought of, “This must mean I’m attracted to children”and runs wild with it. Someone without OCD could have that same groinal responsebut recognize that it has nothing to do with children. This doesn’t mean it’syour fault that it happens, as you know that it’s just your brain amplifyingthat thought and triggering your anxiety.

I think it’s also important to recognize that maybe you didenjoy the groinal response, but that doesn’t mean you enjoyed the thoughts thatcaused the response. It’s completely natural to enjoy a groinal responsebecause that’s just the way our bodies work. What’s important is to remember isyour disgust with even thinking about hurting a child and it’s not somethingyou would ever consider doing. In this situation, your intentions are way moreimportant than your thoughts because the thoughts are coming from that part ofyour brain that wants you to obsess over the thoughts, not you. That’s a hugedifference and trying to separate the thoughts that are truly yours (beingdisgusted with the thought of hurting a child) and the thoughts being caused byyour brain (thinking the physical groinal response being associated with children).Also, you’re not even close to the people who call themselves NOMAPS becausethose people actually are attracted to kids and don’t act on their thoughts.You aren’t attracted to kids or think about hurting them, so you definitelyaren’t one of them.

I promise, you’re so much more than your thoughts! I know it’shard to ignore the thoughts, but you’ve already come a long way since you firstmessaged us and you don’t deserve to feel guilty over this. It’s not your faultthat you have these thoughts, so you shouldn’t have to keep beating yourself upover them.

-Samantha

its only getting worse

i just checked out my old pictures, then cried a lil uncontrollably.. 1-2 years ago when i was working in customer service for my previous company, i felt absolutely miserable because it was such a demeaning occupation that i was apparently overqualified for. yet i cant find anything better than that. as a matter of fact im not good at anything cuz i didnt follow the conventional path to go to college picking a major thats directly corresponded to a career path. i was so miserable and unhappy over there cuz the job i was doing was dumb AS FUCK. how could someone this wise like me end up doing stupid shit like that? so i decided that i wanted to be a programmer, if i cant become a full-time programmer hired by local companies, i could find remote jobs online etc. i studied so hard at night, on the subway station which ultimately ruined my neck, during the weekends... i was motivated because of that demeaning stupid job. it was a constant reminder that i could do better, i could achieve more, that im capable of more than just that. so i just put it up, sucked it, and studied another skill at the same time. i hated it but each day i accomplished my goal i felt incredibly joyous and satisfied.

what the heck am i doing right now? nothing. i have zero income, on top of that, im not making any actions towards anything. im watching my youth fly by. i used to be so industrious... but now? im not even motivated to do the easiest thing possible. im lazy af. im also too scared of a potentially failed outcome. probably my goal is of a grandiose nature, im procrastinating because deep down i know theres a great chance that im gonna fail... this is a vicious cycle that perpetuates itself. actions must be taken, i must do something rather than nothing. 

10 years ago when i was 13 or something in middle school, i peaked... i was so industrious. i studied so hard and i received great reward, despite i have OCD. i used to the a top student in school... glorious days..

now, it seems as if my goal has no end. it seems as if theres absolutely no promise that my goal’s gonna be achieved. but still i think i should go for it.just for the sake of reviving the old me, deducted the overweight/obese/shy/reserved aspect... i want the hard working old me back...

i mean im here, how can i give up all my skills? now im able to utilize my english, it is conversational, even though im not good at it and it comes and goes, i can’t lose it, because ive put so much work and effort into it. also ive put so many hours in learning programming, i also can’t lose that skill. i have learned a lot throughout like 5 years since i left high school, regardless of certain stagnation periods in between.

its like everything’s reoccuring just like nietzche and camus said... we’re like pushing that rock up the mountain again and again, only to see it rolling down the mountain.... when my sister was pregnant with my niece i was at a loss in life. and my life was miserable as my lil niece being taken cared of by my parents at home, i was staying at home every day all day stuck with them having nothing to do... but i did try to learn english and lose weight, those turned out fine. that was all that ive done... that was like 5 years ago when i collapsed... when my sister was pregnant with my nephew, i quit my customer service job. since then ive been staying at home with my parents and my nephew whos taken cared of by them... it has been nearly one year. he was born very close to my niece’s birth day. this is terrifyingly coincidental!i its like im going through all this shit all over again! except this time its 10 times more intolerable. cuz im 5 years older. times ticking. health’s deteriorating. im returning back to the state where i used to be at 5 years ago.

funny how i dont even have a strong and clear, realistic and executable goal in mind. currently the goals i have are greatly dependent on luck as well as the mentality of the herd which i see theres no promising future or guaranteed outcome. this scares me, leaving me paralyzed to move forward. 

but maybe it doesn’t have to be like this. since im already strayed away from the “right track”, i might just as well go along with it. i’ll take a bet, i’ll gamble my youth on something im truly passionate about. i want to educate myself, and spread that knowledge to the world. if i can’t achieve my goal and what not, i think u know what u should do.

waiting is definitely not a solution. it’s silly and stupid af to keep waiting. anxiety will build up inside u. u know this doesn’t feel right. so fucking do something already. dont use ur parents and ur nephew as excuses. u can do better i assure u. u were able to do so much and now u can do it too. consider this ur last battle, if u lose, the cost would be ur identity, urself.

side note, the therapist i went to in california because keri told me to truly was a fucking QUACK. she gave me herbal supplements for anxiety only which did fuck all and then suggested that i had bipolar disorder (which keri agreed with hilariously) but now that ive been in therapy for years AND have taken actual medication i know i have c-ptsd, adhd-autism, and ocd so the “generalized anxiety” i was being treated for and my depression were literally just smaller symptoms of my ptsd and all my mood changes were results of trauma and hyperactivity from my adhd. that therapist didnt know squat. she didnt even figure out i had ptsd. 

my therapist later looked at me for two seconds, listened to me, and was like “HEY, UH, YOU SEEM DEEPLY TRAUMATIZED AND I THINK YOURE STRUGGLING BECAUSE YOU HAVE C-PTSD SO IM GONNA SEND YOU TO A PSYCHIATRIST FOR MEDS” and that was the best call anyone could have made because i started to feel like i was LIVING again after i took meds. 

she also gave me a ton of reading materials and advice on how to cope and things i could do to help myself on the daily that would make functioning easier and boy howdy did things start to pick up after that. i got jobs and i started walking and going outside more and gardening and my self image improved drastically and yeah there were bad days and times where i struggled to get out of bed but i stopped hating myself for all my blunders and learned how to work with what i had and that made all the difference.

bad therapists can make you feel like shit and make you feel stupid and small and scared. but a good therapist can really become your greatest ally and i highly recommend therapy. you just have to shop around a little first.

will we ever be well? i feel like i cant drag myself through another year of these episodes and panic attacks and depressive episodes and selfharm and not eating and ocd. i am tired. i cant afford meds/they are inexistent in my country -third world country- and i am just tired. i am useless. worthless. im s o sorry i want to die. nothing will change years keep getting worse i am scared scared help scared

i used to want to be well in the sense that i wanted to be neurotypical. i just wanted a different brain. and i still feel like that somedays, but now i think of being “well” in another sense. in the past couple of years, i’ve slowly but successfully learned how to manage my brain. i learned how to stop self harming, i learned how to prevent panic attacks (i’ve gone from having about one every other day to like.. twice a year) and manage anxiety attacks so they’re less intense, and how to get through my depressive episodes so that they’re both shorter and less intense. all of this combined has not “cured” me, but now i feel like more of a functional person and i’m able to work and study and follow my dreams

a few years ago, i felt exactly like you. when you’re in it, it feels like it is forever. i was fucking terrified, and i have pages and pages in my diary of just the word ‘scared’ over and over. but at the time, i didn’t realize that i was learning more about myself! i learned all those things that have helped me now to manage my symptoms. just as a really small example: i learned that having a job working directly with people made me SUPER suicidal, it was awful. so i started looking for jobs where i can work more indirectly with people. i basically learned like a thousand things about myself the hard way, and while i wish that i didn’t have to go through that, i am now soooo much better off. i think this is what people mean when they say things get better: there isn’t some magical switch that gets flipped and suddenly life is ok, but you learn about yourself and are able to change things slightly to make life easier and easier until you realize one day that you aren’t as suicidal, you haven’t had a depressive episode in a while, you’re eating better, etc etc.

i’m sorry if this sounds like i’m talking about me a lot.. i just want you to know that i’ve been where you were and it is more than possible to get better. since you have a lot going on, i think you should choose whatever is the most negative thing affecting you and try to make it better. i’ve found that categorization helpful. absolutely no life is useless or worthless. that’s a lie that society tells us to make us buy things and our families tell us to abuse us.

the internet is such an important place for those of us who don’t have access to resources. i found cognitive behaviour therapy REALLY helpful when i was suicidal and having daily panic attacks + super depressed. “thought records” were the most helpful worksheets for me. i bought a book called “mind over mood” which i loved, but there are tons of free worksheets online! just google “cbt worksheets” or something like that. here’s a site that has a bunch of them. you can use google for pretty much any difficulty you’re having and i wouldn’t be in the place i am now without the internet. 

i’m not gonna lie, recovery isn’t always easy. but it the most worthwhile difficulty you’ll ever go through. i can’t express how unimaginably happy i am that i’ve progressed so far in recovery. i truly never thought i’d get here and i’m shocked that someone as severely mentally ill as i am is in the place i am now today. if it can happen for me, it can happen for everyone. 

random thoughts part 2 , its a long one

been about three weeks since I last posted how I feel and today feels like a day where I'm drained and tired and need to get stuff off my chest . the reason why I write it on here you ask. I'm usually too scared to say what I'm feeling and don't really have many friends to confide in or feel like I'm a pain and just to give an understanding mental illness and recovery.

since I last wrote I had been written off work for 5 weeks . my first thought was that im fine but in reality I wasn't, I needed a break and the work place I worked for at the time gave me depression and didn't respect anyone, sometimes felt harassed, I used to put on a fake smile and cry on the inside, hide who I really was. I was unstable and i cant help but say i agree although i didn't want to tell myself that as it made me feel defeated .  in the end I quit working there two weeks ago and have now got a lovely new stable job and really feeling a lot happier and relaxed.

Physically and mentally i feel somewhat better as the new meds im on seem to help a bit . Iv seen myself happy a little bit more , the tablets prevent me from crying when i want too which is a pain as letting it out is usually the best way for me . My brain is still cloudy i still cant remember most things i cant write stories or any motivation for all the hobbies i had a passion for i just have a feeling of staying in bed and forgetting the world . I still cant go outside on my own without panicking or even speak to people . And i still have mild cases of ocd or tidying because mess stresses me out . it feels like I'm a ghost on the outside and who I really am trying to escape on the inside.

sometimes I don't know if its Gabz talking or if its my other side Gertrude (I know it might be a silly name but its appropriate for me ). Gertrude's the darker side of me that controls me its like I switch. I could do things and then switch back and don't know what happens , I could hurt myself , smash things or get aggressive not violent but like just a bit or rage. she tells me that I'm worthless and that I have no friends or a life and various other pieces . knower days I see her more than I do myself . I feel persuaded to drink because its the only friend I have and for a while it dulls out the pain I have throughout my entire body however I know its not healthy I don't drink excessively but just a bit .

went to Nottingham for our 7 years and Ashley's birthday the other week. I felt super relaxed whilst in the apartment room as it was our own little bubble where i could relax and forget my problems even if that was only for a little while it helped. However when i went shopping my anxiety kicked in making shopping difficult as i could piece together what i was doing an why i was getting certain items . It also didnt help people walking into me making me feel like i was invisible making me feel like a ghost which was horrible .

I know he loves me but my brain just doesn't acknowledge that its the me i am now only the one who i was before which sucks because it feels most of our perfect memories have been erased and i have to strain or look at photos to remember which also happens alot when im with my family .  I he does love me i cant see why he does , i just dont know , why cant my brain tell me . If only i could read minds like sookie stackhouse it would make my life easier right now .

Another thing on my mind is It makes me feel super lonely at the fact i dont have many friends around me and that the only best friends i have are far away meaning i only get too see them like once or twice which makes me really upset almost everyday .

I miss seeing my best friend in london too . I feel that i help him get better as much as he does to me .I feel attached to him like just being in his presence is like a breath of fresh air and he knows exactly what im going through and how to calm me , protects me from all the demons torturing me and fix it for a little while. I have a need to run and just go and see him when im alone because he makes me feel happy and safe and loved which is what i need to get better and feel is the only one who can help right now . I had such a good time when I was down in London going shopping and just chilling was great :) . right now hes the only friend I have that wants to listen to me .

I feel my mum doesnt trust me and accept what i want to do most of the time and my dad and i have an occasional chat but not enough to get rid of my depression . However i would be lost without my sister whenever i need a best friend shes there holding me letting me cry on her shoulder and helping me with ways to fix my issues and says i have a purpose , im truly glad shes my sister .

I pray that i get better for the sake of myself and those around me as i feel that it hurts for them too see me this way and i cant give them the explanation as too why i am this way. in some ways its a part of me like a leech draining away who i am and leaving shattered memories and fragmented emotions behind.

I hope i will learn to move on from what seems mentally normal to me  and give myself a chance to explore ,have a new job ,be happy and meet new people as i want that badly the chance of pure happiness and bliss .......Only though it seems so far away and too good to be true.

next step for me is too start with some positive thinking and find some methods to help me relax. I want to get back into painting and drawing and start getting back into filmmaking again. go on some adventures and document them and take it from there