#and if this sounds like a fuckton of stuff to cover - that is why i have the spreadsheet
Note
I’m curious (if you’re willing to share) — is your post season 3 fic shippy or platonic? Looking forward to it!
Both of the main ones I'm working on now are platonic! But also you've opened the door for me to talk about it so I'm gonna talk about it!
The post-season 3 fic is platonic and--I cannot overstate this enough--has so much of a plot going on across multiple characters that I finally broke down and made a fucking spreadsheet.
That said a lot of Roy's struggle in this fic centers around his emotional attachments with other people and the roles he plays in their lives (with family, with friends, as a coach). He's stuck in this perfect storm where it seems like all his most important relationships are in flux.
See below the cut for spoilers:
His Family
This is a big one for him and where a surprising amount of therapy work gets done. When the story kicks off, Phoebe is suddenly Around Much Less and a part of that is his sister tentatively feeling out a reconciliation with their parents. This causes a surprising (to Roy) amount of emotional upheaval in his life. As someone who's always been in his sister's corner, he's always seen (even if he's never fully verbalized it to himself) his keeping contact with their parents as a way of releasing his sister from any responsibility or lingering guilt about cutting them off. But now that she's tentatively in contact with them, and introducing them to Phoebe, Roy is realizing that he has a lot of unresolved issues with his parents. Adding to that stress is the fact that while he's played a huge role in his niece's life, he's never actually had to ask to spend time with her before, and he is awful at admitting he might need something, especially when the people around him keep telling him he can 'have a break.'
Keeley
He and Keeley have decided to remain friends. Keeley wants to be single for a while and work on herself, her company, and all the special projects she has falling out of her sleeves (*cough*womensteam*cough*). However, Keeley is the most serious relationship he's ever had, and they started out on a flirty, romantic footing, so he's never just been friends with her. In fact he's never stayed friends with any of his exes. He's navigating unfamiliar territory and he's not sure what's allowed of him. Even basic shit--is he allowed to tell her she looks nice? invite her for coffee? for dinner?--he ends up second guessing.
The Diamond Dogs / The Workplace
He literally JUST became a Diamond Dog and showed them emotional vulnerability by asking what the secret was to becoming a less shitty person and now he's in charge of them. (And he's in therapy, seeing the staff therapist, so everybody knows about that too.) With Ted gone, the inter-team dynamics between the coaches is a whirlpool of Beard and Nate trying to out-smart each other, and suddenly Roy is the one keeping everybody in line and fielding Higgins' questions about player recruitment. This isn't the big drama but it is mundane and tedious and just another fucking thing to deal with.
The Team (Sam, Isaac, Colin)
The step between captain and assistant coach was a fairly easy one for Roy because he was essentially doing the same thing in both jobs (yell at them about their form, psych them up before a match, etc). He's the gaffer now. Most gaffers don't just casually hang out with their players. If he was another team's gaffer, he wouldn't. But these are people who know him, people he used to play side-by-side with, and god help him but he does care about them. So while he's pretty sure he needs to start drawing a boundary between the professional and personal, how the fuck is he supposed to tell them that when Colin is literally getting chewed up by the media as the only openly gay player in the league and he clearly needs the support? How's he supposed to back away when Sam, who's never angry about anything, is fucking seething over Edwin Akufo and asking Roy for help? Is he supposed to step back and drop it all on Isaac, who's trying his best but also seems to be carrying his own weight about something? They're not not his friends, but also he feels responsible for them. So what kind of coach is he going to be, now that he's the guy in charge?
Jamie (ofc)
Where does any of the above leave Jamie? Truly, if the boundaries between him and the other players are in flux, the ones between him and Jamie are fucking spaghetti. Because all of the same issues still apply, but with additional layers (their rivalry, Keeley, Amsterdam, Wembley, personal coaching, the fact that he's met Jamie's parents and would punch his dad in the face if he ever got a chance, the fact that his niece thinks they're best friends). His partiality is skewed every-which-fucking-way, and frankly he's a little annoyed that no one else holds it against him.
And all of that becomes additionally fucked up because:
Roy going to therapy is intrinsically tied to his behavior towards Jamie (Roy has a lot of guilt to work through on how often he's taken his anger out on Jamie)
Jamie and him have unwisely turned therapy into a goddamn competition (they have a chart), which means that any time he makes progress in therapy, he immediately ends up sharing it with Jamie
They don't even have the coach-player thing to fall back on because Jamie starts off the summer injured
This is also the Jamie Going Through It fic (with Tartt Sr in rehab being a huge part of that), and at this point its a given (to Roy at least) that if Jamie needs help, Roy is going to help him.
Jamie might be his friend. Maybe. Possibly. Roy might even admit that one day
So is this a shippy fic? No! No relationship statuses are added, lost, or changed in the winding plot of this fic (unless I figure out how to break up Beard and Jane). Everything picks up right where the finale left it.
But do relationships--the weight of identifying what you might need from other people, and how to navigate changes, and how to define things that aren't easy that are maybe complicated and messy and necessary for your own personal happiness--appear in this fic?
Absolutely yes.
#ask box is always open#[redacted title] post season three fic#i think this week's the week y'all#trying not to jinx it like i did last time#spent a long time today seeking emotional validation from the friend that does the reading and she is excited! so i've decided i am excited#definitely not scared! nope!#writing update#and if this sounds like a fuckton of stuff to cover - that is why i have the spreadsheet#and a pattern to keep all the pieces moving at a reasonable rate#or as the bestie described my writing style:#'you're conducting a 100 piece orchestra when the flutists have it out for the violinists and the drummer thinks they're at a rock concert'#which- yep!
17 notes
·
View notes
Note
🧐
(very curious, i spend at least half of my writing time researching 😅)
So yes I do research, I think it's a really important aspect of writing.
Sometimes it can be small things like what does this kind of scar look like so I can get an accurate description or what does the Quran say about soulmates.
Other times it can be quite extensive as I get an idea about something I don't have a lot of knowledge on and I need to work out all the angles. Also I find it can give you an insight that you don't expect, like you look up one thing and then actually find that tiny scrap of gold in the details you can use.
Some Examples:
Beau Simpson and Ally - I had to do a fuckton of research on loads of stuff for these two.
The Research: Military Positions and rules around dating other service members
How my writing benefited: This helped me generate conflict and determine additional aspects to the characters, such as Beau's awareness of his position in comparison to Ally's and how she's viewed. He's very protective of her and her reputation and that comes through in my 'Firsts' series when they decide to keep their relationship a secret.
The Research: JAG - uniforms - the cases Ally would cover - I ended up watching an interview by a JAG member describing their career and why they chose certain paths which was really interesting.
How my writing benefited: I incorperated some of reasoning in the interview into Ally's choices which really helped bring her to life. - This research also create some really interesting dialogue between her and Beau which sounded more authentic, generated a little conflict, showcased their personalities and helped develop a stronger sense of who they were as people.
The Research: Deployments - how they work, the deployment handbook, effects it has on both sides of the deployment, live accounts on how people cope.
How my writing benefitted: This was imperative to the whole Deployment series because I wanted to give a realistic interperation of what people go through with deployments and how that can effect a relationship. I was really surprised when I stepped into the fandom by the fact not a lot of people explores that aspect when it would be such a focal point of any relationship with a member of military personnel.
The research helped me to add more realism which I showcased through things like Beau's initial reaction to the news and the lead up to the deployment where he resented and distanced himself from Ally, having Beau refer to the deployment handbook the military give out and be pissed off that it even existed, and finally his struggle to adjust when she does leave.
Again the research helped me to develop conflict and create a much richer and authentic telling of the story because I could add in little details that really bring it to life.
I honestly feel that by doing a little research you can really bring your characters to life and really elevate your writing. You can tell when wrtiers don't research because their storylines fall flat/aren't realistic and their characters don't stand out. It can be the difference between someone really investing in your work or simply skipping over it.
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
🍕🍔🥩🍣🦪🍤🍺🌮Kidnapped food-posting quotes n shiz PART 2🌯🦑🦐🐟🦀🍗🍪🍫🍰
Part 2!!!
TRIGGER WARNING; Sharky doing self neglect stuff here. Plz take care of yourself if you find yourself struggling with that. You're important and you matter. 💙💚💙💚💙
--------------------------------
(We see Sharky caving in and driving Kristy to get some food, Kristy very tired and not feeling good since she's been doing a fuckton of magic shit. She's tired and hungry and wants food…Sharky's not really happy about breaking out of his self neglect stuff but he's alot less happy seeing Kristy hurting so he puts himself aside to take care of her…)
Kristy:(in pain, sick and tired, her tone is very drained)Fuck…….God this fucking hurts, ughhhhh…
Sharky:(having experience with this stuff, we see him dig out a water bottle from the backseat and hand it to Kristy, keeping his eyes on the road)Here, i know it's not food but it'll help somewhat, take the hunger pains away a bit…
Kristy:(taking the water bottle and opening it, talking)Is this what you really do all the time?? You manage to deal with this for days??
Sharky:(nervous but he answers, being honest with his tuskuda as she drinks water)Uh…Yeah…Kinda. But uhhhh, i am pretty used to it. You kinda learn how to cope with the hunger and stuff after a while…(anxious laughs)……Not gonna lie but it honestly feels good sometimes to just starve and i don't know how far into the hole that kinda stuff is but i know it's……Probably not good…
Kristy:(anxious but she doesn't have the energy to fight him on that, tired but clearly not thrilled hearing that)……This is why we keep dragging you to Pink Fin, this shits really gonna fucking hurt you long-term…I don't want you getting an eating disorder or something…
Sharky:(looking over at her, shifting to her, caring)Yeah, i know, i know but…Look, not about me right now. Did the water help at least a bit?
Kristy:(she nods, continues to drink, sick still)Yeah, kinda but i still feel like…Nauseous…And i do still have some energy to worry so now i'm just worrying i'm gonna throw up water everywhere…
Sharky:(caring, trying his best)That feeling is probably just hunger. I know i've dealt with that before, the sick feeling goes away whenever you eat a bit as…Counterproductive as that sounds but yeah…Just try and hang tight ok? We'll get ya some food and you'll feel better.
Kristy:(looking over)I'll feel better if you eat too. Cuz i haven't seen you eat today which is usually a bad sign and i'm now just…Scared and anxious after hearing that…I care about you, i want to help you out of this hole, not watch you fall farther down it.
Sharky:(his hands tighten on the wheel, we see the uncomfort on his face…But he looks over at Kristy and sees the anxiety on her face and that breaks him singlehandedly, sighs)…….Ok, ok. I will.
Kristy:(lightens up a bit, relieved)Thank you…(cheerful as she can be being sick)I love you with everything i have and you deserve to love yourself too. And that means taking care of yourself.
--------------------------------
(We see Sharky in bed sick…He's basically got the flu or something but either way, Kristy's trying to help…Sharky atm can't sleep well and he hasn't been eating anything except the meds he's been given…And Kristy ain't too pleased with that so she tries to help.)
Kristy:(caringly, trying to help)…Hey, i know what could maybe help you get some sleep! Hold up, lemme grab it! (She teleports out of the room.)
Sharky:(coughing, annoyed, rolling his eyes)…Lemme guess, it's food isn't it?
Kristy:(teleports back in, holding like 2 treys of food, happy)I made some food for you!!!
Sharky:(annoyed, sick)…How'd you do that that fast?
Kristy:(cheery)I mighta made all of this earlier with Amber's help…She wanted me to make sure you ate something too heh…
Sharky:(sighs, covering up more in his blanket)Course she did…
Kristy:(putting the treys carefully down on the desk, showing him what she's got for him)We tried to make some of your fave stuff…So Amber made you some fried fish and shrimp, i made you some chicken nachos, i got you a bag of those shrimp chips you love and to top it all off, Amber made some chocolate cake and i cut a nice big slice for ya for dessert!
Sharky:(unphased, he tries to ignore it)……Meh, pass…
Kristy:(a bit hurt by this but not surprised)…Dude, are you serious? You're sick though…
Sharky:(coughing, tired)I don't wanna eat right now, i wanna sleep…I'll do it later…
Kristy:(sighs)No you won't. You're gonna let all this go to waste unless me or Max or somebody else eats it…
Sharky:(shrugging)Oh well, so be it…
Kristy:(caring, trying to reason)…Look, you really do need to eat since you're sick…You need energy to fight this off…
Sharky:(annoyed)I'm fine, i'm not gonna die from this, god…(coughing again harshly)Besides, i've been taking medicine, it's fine. Just need a few days…
Kristy:(worried)…Medicine can only do so much though, you really should eat some dude…
Sharky:(annoyed)I said no.
Kristy:(not giving up, trying to sway him)The meds also aren't helping you sleep really are they? And that's cuz you're hungry i'm sure…And i mean, hey, you say it alot yourself, you sleep much better on a full stomach then an empty one…
Sharky:(annoyed, trying to shove the problem under the rug)Well that sucks cuz i'm gonna sleep on an empty one, not interested.
Kristy:(pushing still)You say that but you've been tossing and turning for like 3 hours now so how's that workin out for ya? (Grabbing the fried fish/shrimp plate, caring)Cmon, what's the harm in just a little bit? You get something tasty, you fill your tum up some and it'll help you fight this crap off faster so you can feel better, what's the downside?
Sharky:(insecure, sick still)…Weight gain. That'd be the downside. And that's a pretty big one. I don't care, i'm not gonna eat…(coughs, annoyed)Just let me starve, it's fine…Doesn't matter…
Kristy:(irritated)No, not gonna do that, part cuz i care and part cuz me and Amber didn't spend time making all this for you to reject it. I'm not leaving you alone til you eat some…
Sharky:(getting fed up, sitting up annoyed)…Fuckin, fine, god, ok, ok, ok, just…Quit, god…
Kristy:(brushing that off as him not feeling good but points it out)Eating some also will probably make ya feel alot less grumpy cuz wowwww you are pretty irritable today…
Sharky:(letting Kristy put the treys down, annoyed as he sniffles, rubbing his snout with the back of his hand)Yeah, i'm sorry, i don't feel good…My nose is clogged as hell, my throat hurts, my chest hurts, not too happy, not gonna lie…
Kristy:(cheery)Nothing some food won't fix! Go on, eat some dude. It's really good, you'll love it…
Sharky:(grabbing a fork, cutting at the fried fish)Ok, ok, fine…
-
(Cut to a small bit later, Sharky's ate like every crumb of food and obviously does feel kinda better)
Kristy:(amused, moving the stuff off of him)So you feel better?
Sharky:(laying down, sick still but he's a bit less grouchy, arm around his body)Yeahhhhhh, yeah i do…Man, guess you weren't wrong, i do feel alot sleepier now…
Kristy:(caring, sitting on the edge of his bunk)Yeah, i figured a full belly would do you good…I know that'll put you out like a light heheheh…
Sharky:(flipping over, getting cozy)Guess i'll try and get some sleeps now…Hopefully it'll work this time…(coughing)It'd be nice if i could feel a bit better cuz i still feel like shit…My chest feels like it's full of shit…Ehhhhhhh…
Kristy:(caring, kisses his forehead carefully)Well ima let you sleep then okey? (Plops his phone up on his pillow)Here, just text me if ya need anything ok?
Sharky:(tired but asks)…Maybe another blanket. I'm kinda cold, it'd be nice…
Kristy:(amused)Got one in mind?
Sharky:(nods, sleepy)That green quilt in the hall closet'd be nice and heavy…I'd like that one…And that red fleece blanket…
Kristy:(caring)You got it!!! I'll getcha those super quick!!!
--------------------------------
(Aquarium shit again lol)
(We see Sharky and Kristy looking at fish, Yeah, you know where it's going, leave me alone lmao.)
Kristy:(she looks over at Sharky, happy)What do you think about the fish Sharky?
Sharky:(we see him laserfocused on some of them, drooling a bit)…….Sushi…
Kristy:(annoyed, shoves him a bit, kinda snapping him out of it)Cmon, are you serious?
Sharky:(wiping his mouth off with his jacket sleeve, amused, still looking at them)I mean……….Sushi…Really nice fresh tasty sushi, wish i had some soy sauce, holy hell…
Kristy:(annoyed)You do this literally every. Single. Time…Everytime!!!!
Sharky:(just kinda gazes at her, shrugs)I mean, you're the one insistent on dragging me here with like no warning, you know what's gonna happen.
Kristy:(annoyed)I do tell you ahead of time though!!!
Sharky:(a bit annoyed too)No, you…Don't actually. And then you get mad whenever my instincts flare up like i have any control over that. I dunno, maybe…Warn me ahead of time so i can eat before we go and i don't have to deal with the instinct issues maybe?
Kristy:(sighs, annoyed)I swear i do tell you though…
Sharky:(trying to reason)Maybe like…Double check next time then? Triple check maybe? I dun-(a fish catches his eye)…Oh wow, that one looks REALLY tasty, oh shit…
--------------------------------
(We see Sharky and Kristy walk into and sit down at a sushi bar)
Sharky:(a bit confused)Uhhh, we here for a reason or?
Kristy:(looking at him, inhales and exhales a breath then speaks)So the thing i didn't tell you is that we need to go to the aquarium after this…BUT before we did, iiiiiii figured i'd try and maybe get you some food before we went…
Sharky:(understanding a bit, thinking)So you're wanting me to eat before we go so my instincts are in check and whatnot?
Kristy:(nods, grins)Yep! And don't worry about any of the money or any of that crap, this is all you can eat so i hope you're hungry.
Sharky:(perking up some at the sound of all this, smirks a bit)I'd say i am honestly so…Liking the way you're thinking Kris Kris…
~
(We cut to a bit later after they both eat. Kristy's only had a few plates while we see Sharky's had quite a few, Sharky now a bit out of it…)
Kristy:(amused, rubbing his shoulder some)You alright dude?
Sharky:(his head and arms down on the table, he's obviously had wayyyyy more then enough, a bit sick)…….Fuck…
Kristy:(kindly)You have enough to eat?
Sharky:(sick still)…….I literally feel like my stomach is gonna explode…
Kristy:(laughing a bit)Well i hope that doesn't happen dude! Legit, you alright? Need a minute? You good? (Grabs his drink, offering it to him)Here, maybe drink a bit of water yeah?
Sharky:(he sits up, you can tell he doesn't feel as good now, he takes Kristy up on that offer and drinks some before letting a breath out)…God…Yeah, i guess i was alot hungrier then i thought i was…Sushi was way too good honestly…Jesus…
Kristy:(smirks)So…?
Sharky:(recovering some)So what?
Kristy:(smirking)So if we go to the aquarium now, you think you can control yourself?
Sharky:(groans, sick)Yeah, i can't eat another bite…I'm stuffed…Don't have any room for dessert either so…Yeah, fishes are safe…
Kristy:(grinning, hyped)Perfect!!! That's what i wanted to hear!!!
Sharky:(sick)Can it wait a few minutes though? God, i think i need a few, i don't feel good…
--------------------------------
Do not let this sharkboi near your fish tank, he will wreck that shit and by that, i mean he will eat every goddamn fish in there if he skipped a meal or two which he probably has cuz self neglect, poor boyo
Dis what i got for now tho lol xd
0 notes
Text
It's time to talk about walls, y'all. I'm talking Jackson's walls. God, why does that sound sexual? What is wrong with me?
Anyway, here is my collection of pictures of Jackson's walls. I also talk about them a bit, so if you are into that sort of stuff click below.
A warning outside the gate. I would heed this warning too, because Jackson has a fuckton of people guarding these walls and they are all armed. More on that later...
Also, Dina really has the Jackson spirit. When talking about making trip mines with Ellie, she suggested putting up a sign to warn any "stragglers".
The walls are made of timber (I think? idk I would never survive in this universe), with what looks like metal lining the bottom and forming a parapet at the top. There are around 50 or so little covered areas (also metal, I guess you could call them wall towers? Anyway, each one has a spotlight and a guard.
There are also 25 (maybe more, it is hard to tell) watchtowers along the wall (and 3-4 in the central part of Jackson). Each one of these is also manned by a guard with a gun.
The watchtowers along the wall are big af too. That also looks like it might have solar power to run the lights? Or is that part of something else?
The ones in the center of town look much smaller. They still have an armed guard though.
There are also people that patrol along the top of the wall, although it is hard to say how many there are.
Jackson has a bit of an unusual shape, like a rectangle with the SE and NW corners cut off. At those corners the wall was built around some buildings that were not incorporated into Jackson (you can't see them in this shot but they look dilapidated so that was probably why).
As mentioned before, each of those wall tower things has a spotlight, and it is pretty strong. Here, it's pointed at a road that's been blocked of. It runs along the eastern wall but is blocked off a bit from the gate (here with an RV/truck/sandbags and on the other side of the gate with a bigass hole in the ground).
Speaking of gates, this is East Gate 2. This implies the existence of East Gate 1, but you couldn't really see it from Joel's angle in game. There are two people who have to open the gate, and more people at the small stable inside. The largest known stable is by a gate on the western side.
This is the gate Ellie, Dina, and Jesse leave from for patrol. As previously stated, it is on the western side of Jackson, but it is unknown if there are any other gates on this side.
This is also a great picture because you can see the stairs up to the top of the wall. I just love that little detail to pieces.
Phew. This is a long af post about a fictional city in a video game, but it was fun as fuck to write.
One last thing. Every part of the wall we see up close in game looks like it is fully manned, though they may shift people around and it only appears that way based on what we can see in game. Man though, having 75+ people, armed and watching be an amazing defense for the city.
The implications of that are also super interesting. You'd have to have enough people to grow the food. Honestly, the majority of people in Jackson are probably either Watchers on the Wall or farmers. You then have the jobs with fewer people doing them, like butcher, cook, blacksmith, teacher, various maintenance jobs, apocalypse lumberjack, and patrol. Also, probably anyone could be assigned a shift on the wall if they are desperate enough; they basically just need to be able to get up the stairs, have decent vision, and be able to hold a gun (and hopefully enough can also shoot).
OK, jfc this is a long af post. Well, if you are still here, you are one of the cool ones.
#the walls of us#I've said that word so much it doesn't look right anymore#seriously though the detail they put into this game is amazing#if you can't tell I am into detail#I wonder if most people go through some sort of wall guard school#like basic shooting and cardio#plus vision tests#the ballsiest of the bunch go on to do patrol#silly beans leaving the safety of a perfectly good bigass wall#the last of us 2#the last of us part 2
68 notes
·
View notes
Note
for the album thing: born in the usa :)
I could write a book about any of Bruce’s records from Born To Run to Born In The USA. I did in fact write my grad school thesis using Nebraska as the hook: ”Vehicles of Grace: Automobile Imagery and Salvation in the works of Bruce Springsteen and Flannery O’Connor” LOL which is one million percent true.
In fact, I bought Nebraska on my first day of class in grad school (a whole story by itself), and BITUSA came out as I was finishing my coursework two years later. It’s hard to overstate how hard this one hit, but my reaction was kind of complicated, so I’ll tell ya all about it.
the first song from this album I heard: “Dancing In The Dark”, which came out as a single before the album. Followed immediately by “Pink Cadillac”, its b-side. We played the SHIT out of that song in particular, far more than the A side, and were dumbfounded that it wasn’t on the album.
do I own the album?: Obvs, but there’s a story. Of course. My girlfriend and I bought it on vinyl the day it came out in June (we weren’t married yet, but we’d merged our record collections the previous year LOL), then for my birthday in August, she bought me a CD player for like $800 (they were expensive as FUCK when they first came out -- and $800 was even more of a fuckton of money back in those days, especially for a couple of grad students), with one CD, Born In The USA. That one CD was more than reason enough to spend the dough on a player.
I still have that CD, along with the ticket for show where we saw Bruce on our honeymoon in England, at St. James Park in Newcastle, in June 1985. He’d just gotten married too (the first time), which is a whole ‘nother story too. Oh, and I still have the sweatshirt from that show! I'll post a picture of all this some time.
my favorite song: Wellll....here’s where it gets kinda complicated. Bruce had a notoriously hard time picking songs for the record. He’d recorded something like 50 songs for the album, and once he cut the list to 30 or so, he kept asking people he trusted to pick THEIR favorite running order. (Dave Marsh talked about this in his book Glory Days: Bruce Springsteen in the 1980s, and I haven’t heard it much discussed since then.) It’s hard to argue with the finished results, but you know what? I kinda do, still, all these years later. LOL
My favorite song OF the album, no question, is “Shut Out The Light”. (Check my tag for this song to hear some more about it.) It was first released as the b-side to the 7 inch single of “Born In The USA” (remarkably, the third single from the record), and wouldn’t show up on CD until 1998 on the Tracks anthology. Tracks was 4 CDs in all (should probably have been 6 discs, and COULD have been 10), but I bought the whole thing for THIS.
youtube
My favorite song ON the album: “Downbound Train.”
my least favorite song: “Darlington County”.
a song I didn’t like at first, but now do: “Dancing In The Dark”. I’m not alone in this. Miami Steve famously HATED the song at first, and only came to appreciate it after years of playing it live. I still remember never more eagerly anticipating an album in my life, and never being more upset by the advance single. I was devastated.
Here’s why. Born to Run came out when I was 15. “Gotta get out while we’re young!” The romance of escape, with the last two songs, still grandly romantic, hinting at its costs.
Darkness came out when I was 17. Narrator: “They did not escape.” LOL Ghosts, bitterness, compulsion, cursed by God. His estranged wife’s eyes “filed with hate for just being born”, while “Tonight I’ll be on that hill ‘cause I can’t stop.”
The closest thing to hope: a whispered “Tonight my baby and me are gonna ride to the sea / and wash these sins from our hands.” I was a senior in high school and the dream was already dead. Awesome. LOL
The River came out when I was 20. The only hope is domesticity. Too bad that it’s suffocating and you’ll fuck it up. LOL Want to wash the sins from your hands? Sorry, the river is dry. “Is a dream a lie if it don’t come true / Or is it something worse./ that sends me down to the river?” Yikes!
The shows for this album were astounding. The album was soooo much darker than it first appeared, and the catharsis in the performance was rewarding, sure, but almost unbearable. You were left broken and crawling by the end of the night. In a good way. LOL
Nebraska came out when I was 22. Murder, mental illness, ghosts, more murder, compulsion, and as a treat, a little more murder. LOL
The one song I couldn’t stand was “Reason To Believe”, because I didn’t believe there was one, and I didn’t believe he did either. But boy did I love the album as a whole. Like I said, my grad school thesis started here, because I had too much to say about Nebraska and the sweep of Bruce’s literary roots and spiritual impulses NOT to write about it.
(Not shockingly in retrospect, and a blessing for us all that he went through with it and is still at it, but Bruce’s therapy started here too.)
So from 1975 to 1984, things got darker and darker and darker. It was beautiful. LOL And hey, this was MY LIFE we’re talking about, too! From 15 to 24, I was listening to Born To Run, Darkness, The River, and Nebraska practically on a loop, and the more hopeful stuff was becoming less and less resonant.
Sure, there was Rosalita and Thunder Road and Badlands, plenty of dancing and pumping fists, but I was dwelling in darkness, and living for it. On my best days, I was wounded, not even dead LOL but I barely listened to Born to Run by the end of this span. It was mostly Darkness and Nebraska.
I couldn’t wait to hear what was coming after the highest body count in recorded history on that album. LOL I knew it wouldn’t be acoustic again, but man, he was cutting closer and closer to the bone each time out. How much farther could he possibly go?
And it was....Dancing In The Dark? What the actual FUCK? Practically fucking disco or something? WHA....? I loved dance music, especially in the 80s, but I didn’t need it from Bruce. I had that from other people. Oh well, at least the b-side was cool, so maybe the album won’t bite. LOL BUT THEN PINK CADILLAC WASN’T ON THE ALBUM. FUCK.
The album didn't bite, of course, but it took a looooong time to get over this huge dual disappointment of a chirpy disco single by an artist I barely recognized, and whom I now felt I could no longer trust to manage his own creative mission.
My wife wrapped her head around it first (as is usually the case LOL). She dug it as the closest Bruce had yet come to putting his actual self in a song. The narrator is a writer, anyway, unlike every other song he’d ever written about jobs he never held for a single second (an observation that would form the bedrock of Springsteen on Broadway 40 years later).
Now, I totally dig it. If you’re naughty enough, I might even post my ukulele cover of Dancing In The Dark. LOL
a song I used to like, but now don’t: None. The songs I loved, which is most of ‘em honestly, I still do. Everything about this album has gotten better with time for me, and nothing about it has gotten less so.
my favorite lyric:
From “Shut Out The Light”:
Oh mama mama mama come quick
I've got the shakes and I'm gonna be sick
Throw your arms around me in the cold dark night
Hey now mama don't shut out the light
From “Downbound Train”
The room was dark. Our bed was empty
Then I heard that long whistle whine
And I dropped to my knees, hung my head, and cried
Bruce was gonna try to give me a happier record, but I was having none of it. LOL
For the record, “Downbound Train” is my wife’s favorite track on the record by FAR, at least partly because it sounds like a band version of a song that could have followed Nebraska. I prefer Shut Out The Light because I heard the story of my own mental illness in it for the first time, but yeah, Downbound Train is amazing.
I only saw it live once at the time (in Newcastle, June 4, ‘85), but it really comes to live onstage -- true for all of Bruce of course, but this album more than any other imo.
youtube
overall rating out of 10: Then: 8. Now: 9.2. The shows were unbelievably good (we saw three shows in three different countries on that tour) and it sold a buttload, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling that after the run of Darkness - The River - Nebraska, that this was a missed opportunity at best.
Time and distance heals all LOL and I now love it. Not more than the four before it, but more than anything since. A masterpiece, by any standard.
#bruce springsteen#born in the usa#shut out the light#dancing in the dark#nebraska#ask#essay#downbound train#darkness on the edge of town#Anonymous#youtube
63 notes
·
View notes
Note
would pretty please do 72 or 98 from the 100 ways to say I love you prompt list? maybe with the mashton college au? or just mashton in general! (I love your mashton so much) - lily 💛
lily you have been the #1 cheerleader of this series from the beginning you can have as much college mashton as you want
Word count: 4059
Rating: T for teen
Read on ao3 here
mashton: "I'll meet you halfway"
Michael and Ashton call each other every night.
It’s the type of thing Michael has seen his parents do when his dad used to have to travel for work conferences. Sometimes the calls are long, extensive conversations, and sometimes they only last a few minutes, a simple “hello, I love you, I want to hear your voice before I fall asleep.” It’s the type of domestic, mushy stuff that you do with someone you’re spending the rest of your life with. Michael loves it.
He would love it even more if he could actually see Ashton in person.
Ashton stayed over once in June, but since then their schedules haven’t aligned properly. Ashton works weekdays 9-5, and Michael typically works nights and weekends. With Anne Marie taking on longer shifts, leaving Ashton in charge of keeping house more often, there hasn’t been a lot of time to try and plan a day trip.
When classes start next week, it’s just going to get worse. Michael has been holed up in his apartment with very little contact with the outside world for three months. He goes to work. He comes home. Sometimes he orders take-out and gets to nod at the person handing it to him. He’s sick of his college town, and somehow he doesn’t think that having everyone else on campus is going to help. COVID policy is very similar to how it was in the spring, and Michael hated the spring.
“This fucking sucks,” he says. “It’s my senior year and all I want to do is leave.”
“So why don’t you?” Ashton asks, tinny and pixelated on Michael’s phone. “You have tomorrow and Sunday off, right?”
“Yeah.” He asked for it off at the beginning of the summer, in case he needed time to mentally prepare for the school year.
“Let’s go somewhere. Pick a city between us and I’ll meet you halfway. I’ve been saving a fuckton on rent, you’ve been saving all summer, we can get a hotel and make a time of it.”
“Really?” Michael asks.
“Yeah. Why not?”
Michael pauses. He’s never been the type of person to plan spontaneous outings, but he doesn’t really have an argument against this one. He wants to see Ashton. He wants to get out of the apartment. A two-day date in a different city sounds like the perfect solution.
“Come on,” Ashton says. “Pick the city. I’ll plan everything else.”
“Okay.”
Ashton grins. Michael automatically mirrors it. Later that night Michael gets out his computer to find the best location between them. There’s a decently large city that’s an obvious choice, and Michael doesn’t have the focus to do any more research on whether this one or one of the smaller ones has better attractions. He figures the larger it is, the more he’ll give Ashton to work with as he plans, so that’s the name he texts. Ashton texts him at midnight with an address and instructions to meet him there at 10:00. Michael mourns the loss of one of his last opportunities to sleep in, but he’d wake up before dawn to see Ashton if he had to.
-/-
Ashton is waiting outside the coffee shop when Michael pulls up. He’s leaning against the side of the building, head tilted up towards the sun and eyes closed, and Michael’s heart clenches violently in his chest. He’s beautiful. Michael has missed him so much over the past few months that he’s torn between wanting to drink in the sight of him and needing to touch him right now.
Ashton opens his eyes as Michael approaches, like he can somehow distinguish his footsteps from those of everyone else passing by. Michael knows that it’s impossible, but part of him wants to believe that he and Ashton have that sort of connection.
Ashton smiles, letting it bloom across his face like a flower in spring. Michael can barely stop himself from running the last few steps to hug him. They end up crashing together in the middle of the sidewalk either way, arms immediately clutching tightly. Michael has the single-minded goal to squeeze all of the oxygen out of Ashton’s lungs.
“Hi,” Ashton says in Michael’s ear, arms wrapped around his shoulders, pressing them together the entire length of their bodies. “Hi, I love you. Holy shit, I’ve missed you so much.”
He tries to pull away and Michael tightens his grip.
“What the fuck are you doing?” he asks. “I’ve been hug-deprived for months.”
Ashton snorts and resettles.
“I really fucking love you,” he sighs.
Michael smiles into his neck and soaks in the feeling.
An undetermined time later (that is probably longer than socially acceptable), Michael finally leans back enough to plant one firm kiss on Ashton’s lips, then breaks the hug fully. Ashton’s grin is wide and dopey, and he knows that his is the same and they probably look insane to everyone else, but Michael doesn’t care. Long distance sucks. Being here with Ashton is the best he’s felt in a long time.
“Hi,” Ashton repeats.
“Hi,” Michael replies. “You look like shit.”
Ashton beams, because Michael confessed to him a while ago that he only says that when he’s too overwhelmed to think of a worthy compliment, because Ashton’s ability to always look flawless is infuriating. Sometimes Michael regrets telling him, because it’s embarrassing and Ashton doesn’t need an ego, but then Ashton reacts like this and it makes Michael want to shout endless compliments from the rooftops to get a hint of that smile.
Ashton ducks forward and kisses him again. Michael has to restrain himself from getting lost in it, because they’re in public. They’re sharing a hotel room tonight, so Michael can refill on kisses then.
“Come on,” Ashton says. “Let’s go inside. I want an iced coffee.” He pulls a mask out of his pocket and Michael follows suit, then they head into the little cafe.
The intoxicating smell of coffee is potent enough to seep through Michael’s mask. The shop itself is small and cozy, with a black and white tiled floor and dark wooden tables with little kitschy coffee decorations scattered around. There are three big plush armchairs by a fireplace that could be decorative or could actually be functional, and a few children’s books are scattered on the side tables near them. Ashton tugs him towards the counter before he can look around more, greeting the barista with a friendly hello and his order. Michael adds his and a pastry, then they make quiet comments about the flavor shots available and various menu items until their orders are ready.
“So,” Ashton says when they’ve sat down and spent a bit too long smiling at each other rather than talking.
“So,” Michael repeats, taking a sip of his coffee. Ashton holds his hand out on the table, palm up, and Michael takes it so Ashton can fiddle with the promise ring on his finger. “What’s the plan for the day?”
“Well, we can’t check in to the hotel until 4, so I figured after this we could wander around downtown a bit, grab some lunch, then go to the zoo.”
“The zoo?” Michael asks. “What are we, five?”
“I’ll hold your hand the whole time and buy you Dippin’ Dots,” Ashton bribes in a singsong voice. Michael is such a sucker for him.
“That’s a very tempting offer,” Michael says, resting his chin in his palm. Ashton smiles, because he knows that Michael is a sucker for him, especially when they’re holding hands and he has Dippin’ Dots.
Ashton brings his hand to his lips and kisses it. Michael feels like he’s going to melt into a puddle of goo right there in the coffee shop. It’s like a few weeks away have reset them to an insufferable honeymoon phase rather than letting them operate like normal people out in society.
They manage to finish their coffees without making everyone around them nauseated, then walk around wasting time until they find an acceptable lunch place. Ashton points out weird-looking stores and boutiques as they go, and sometimes they enter and look around but mostly they window shop. Michael feels something inside him resettle a little every time Ashton laughs or hits his arm to point something out.
Lunch passes in much the same way as coffee did. They talk about whatever strikes their fancy and eat food that’s good but not great and hold hands across the table. Michael covers lunch because Ashton covered coffee and promised to buy him Dippin’ Dots, so it should all even out.
They can’t leave a car in the coffee shop lot for hours on end, so they have to drive separately to the zoo. It’s tragic, because one of Michael’s favorite things to do is to drive with Ashton, whether he’s in the driver’s seat or the passenger, but he follows behind him instead, always keeping his license plate in sight. They don’t get parking spaces by each other, since it’s one of the last summer weekends and the place is crowded with minivans carrying families for one last big outing before school starts, but Ashton waits for him by the main gate and obediently takes his hand the moment they enter.
“Do you want a map?” Ashton asks, side-stepping a toddler that’s paused in the middle of the walkway to stare at some of the strangers passing by.
“Nah,” Michael says. “Let’s just wander. We have a few hours.”
Ashton smiles and tugs him along the path, picking a direction and setting off until they get to the first exhibit. They stand in line an acceptable amount for some moose, then zip through the rest of the North American section relatively quickly. Ashton names every animal they pass, on occasion reading a line here or there from the signs describing them without slowing down for the whole thing. Michael judges his naming abilities and chimes in with a few of his own ideas, then they continue on and let younger kids have their turn by the fences or glass cases.
"I think we should get one of those once we move in together," Michael says, gesturing at the lion sunning herself on top of a rock outcropping.
"You want a cat?" Ashton asks. "I thought we were leaning towards a dog. I've been trying to warm up to the idea of a dog."
"I don’t want a cat, I want Sheila," Michael says. "Look at her. So majestic. So cuddly."
The lion now known as Sheila flicks her tail, but otherwise doesn't move.
"Sure, I'll kidnap her once we have a place. She'll be very happy with us."
Michael squeezes his hand, and they move past the rest of the big cats and into the aquatic building, where Ashton takes a picture of the penguins and sends it to Luke with the caption "nice to see u and ur fam out and about!!!" Michael finds the seahorses and stares at them for a bit, Ashton reading the information cards out loud when he starts to get antsy. They both decide that there are too many fish to name each one, so each tank instead gets a name and subsequent fish get numbers. When they can't waste any more time there, they head back out into the August heat, wandering further into the zoo.
Ashton gets Michael his promised Dippin' Dots between the African and Australian sections. They take a short break to sit for a few moments at one of the few clean tables, watching geese harass families in the hopes of earning a few crumbs and kids bouncing around waiting for their parents to finish.
"Food tax," Ashton says, opening his mouth. Michael rolls his eyes and takes a small spoonful of chocolate-flavored ice cream, feeding it to him across the table.
"Thanks," he says. "Instagram tax."
Michael holds up the Dippin' Dots and beams for the camera, sure that Ashton already has some good and awful secret shots he took that will end up in the photo dump whenever he decides to post.
"Come on," Michael says. "Let's go see some kangaroos."
By the time they finish their rounds of the zoo, it's well past time for them to check in at the hotel. Ashton still insists on stopping at the gift shop to look at the stuffed animals. Michael waits by the door and isn't paying attention enough to stop Ashton from bringing a lion up to the register.
"A tiny Shelia to hold you over until we can get the real thing," he says, presenting the stuffed animal to Michael with a flourish.
"Holy shit, I love you," Michael says, cuddling mini-Sheila close. "You're the best boyfriend ever." Ashton simply grins and kisses him on the cheek.
"So," he says once they're past the zoo gates, hand linked with Michael's once again and walking him to his car. "Do you want to go to the hotel or straight to dinner?"
"The hotel first," Michael says.
Ashton nods and kisses him again with a quick "see you soon."
The ride to the hotel feels like it takes simultaneously five seconds and five years. Michael is getting antsy at the idea of them getting a room to themselves for a while. He's gone multiple hours without sticking his tongue down Ashton's throat, which is a huge show of restraint when they've been apart this long, but he's so ready to do that now. He can't wait to finally fall asleep next to him again or watch shitty network TV while cuddling after dinner.
The hotel itself is a little fancier than Michael expected, if the state of the lobby is anything to go by. He goes up to the counter with Ashton while he checks in, listening when Ashton asks about good restaurants nearby and taking a key when offered. When they finally get to their room, Michael is vibrating out of his skin, but he manages to restrain himself until Ashton has set down his bag and gotten a chance to look around the room.
"Think this'll be fine for the night?" he asks, sitting on the bed to test the mattress.
"I want to kiss you so bad," Michael replies.
"Then what the fuck are you doing over there?" Michael rolls his eyes, drops his bag and mini-Sheila, plops himself right in Ashton's lap, and kisses him. Ashton immediately opens up under him, hands sliding up Michael's back, and something inside Michael slides back into place. He buries his hands in Ashton's hair and tilts them to a better angle, relishing in the familiarity of Ashton's mouth, unable to contain a sound when Ashton tries to pull him a little bit closer.
Ashton breaks the kiss long before Michael is ready.
"We need to go to dinner," Ashton says. "I wanted to woo you. Wine and dine, except maybe without the wine because one of us has to drive."
"Come on, Ash, just a bit more." He leans in again, but Ashton stops him with a finger against his lips.
"If we keep going, we're not going to stop, and I'm hungry. Dinner first, then we'll have the whole night to ourselves."
"Fine," Michael sighs. "But only because I expect to make use of the night."
"I'm counting on it," Ashton says.
“And I’m driving.”
“Okay.”
Michael gets up, checking for his keys and wallet, but doesn’t get the door open before Ashton is turning him around and pushing him gently against it, kissing him again.
“You hypocrite,” Michael says.
“Come on, Michael, just a bit more,” he teases. Michael rolls his eyes even as he’s pulling him closer.
-/-
Dinner passes by in a flash. They tell the waitress it's Ashton's birthday so they can get a free dessert, and Michael ensures that she gives the check straight to him so Ashton doesn't try to fully pay for yet another thing on this trip. The food is pretty good and the atmosphere is nice, and Michael spends most of the meal laughing and trying to remember his table manners.
Ashton sings along to the radio on the way back to the hotel, and Michael considers taking a lap around the block to hear his singing voice a bit more. In the end, he turns into the parking lot so he can watch him rather than just hear him, waiting until the chorus finishes and Ashton manages to do a really nice vocal run before shutting the car off.
"What?" Ashton asks when he catches Michael's eye.
"Nothing," Michael says. "I just love you."
"Sap," Ashton says, poking the corner of Michael's smile.
When they get back to their room, Ashton starfishes on the bed, letting out a deep breath. Michael flops down on his stomach, head pillowed on Ashton's arm, fitting the rest of himself where there's room.
"Hey," Ashton says, tilting his head to look at Michael. "You tired?"
"Nah, not yet," Michael says. "I'm a night owl."
"Yeah, and I made you get up at a reasonable time to drive here for coffee."
Michael props himself up on his elbows, looking down at Ashton. His hair is a little bit longer than Michael remembers it being at the end of the school year, honey strands fanned out against the white hotel comforter. Michael hates that he wasn't around to witness the change in real time, slow enough that he wouldn't have been able to notice, but he's glad they get some time together now.
"I'm not tired," he says, basking in the way Ashton's smile unfurls at that. "I could stay up all night. I'm not going to waste our time together with a nap."
Ashton reaches up and brushes some of Michael's hair back, fingers curling around his ear and brushing over his neck. Michael shivers.
"I've missed you," Ashton says softly. Michael moves so he's bracketing him with his arms and leans down to kiss him. It's just as familiar and intoxicating as last time.
"I've missed you, too," he hums when they part. "Thank you for planning this."
"Thanks for agreeing to it," Ashton says, slipping a hand under the hem of Michael's shirt, hot on his lower back. "I was going crazy without seeing you. I don't know if you know this, but I'm kind of in love with you."
"Really?" Michael asks. "Never would've guessed."
Ashton sticks his tongue out, so Michael kisses him again, and again, and again, and doesn't stop for a long time.
-/-
Michael wakes up to Ashton shifting in his arms. He's going slow, obviously trying not to wake Michael while he untangles himself, and Michael presses a kiss to his shoulder before he can get too far away.
"Just going to the bathroom," Ashton whispers. Michael hums and releases him.
He slept better last night than he has since school let out. They spent the evening either kissing or watching HGTV and talking about the features they want in their dream house when Michael makes it big as a producer and Ashton is a best-selling author. By the time they finally fell asleep it was into the early morning, Ashton's eyelids drooping, both of them pressed together skin to skin under the covers.
Ashton returns, pressing a kiss to Michael's cheekbone as he gets resettled.
"What time is it?" Michael asks blearily. He cracks his eyes open, happy to see Ashton in all his early morning glory, edges softened by the shadows from the curtains.
"Almost ten," Ashton says. "I got us a late check out, so we're okay for a few more hours."
"Smart."
"That's me," Ashton says. "Graduated Summa Cum Laude and everything."
Michael pushes him halfheartedly. It doesn't do anything except make Ashton roll further into his space. Michael doesn't mind, hooking a leg around his hip to keep him there.
"Oh, good morning," Ashton says. "Nice to see you, too."
"Shut up," Michael groans.
"Make me."
Michael can't back down from a challenge, and he has a lot of tricks up his sleeve when it comes to his boyfriend. He gets Ashton to shut up quickly, and Michael has the best morning since school let out.
-/-
Michael and Ashton elongate their day as much as possible, but there's only so much to do after they have to check out. They take a walk around the local park and find an art gallery to wander around in. Neither of them are particularly versed in visual art, but Michael likes pretending that they both know more than they do, commenting on lighting and colors and lines in a way that would probably annoy everyone around them if the exhibit was in any way crowded. Ashton finds a painting that he says should be the focal point of their future parlor in their mansion. Michael thinks it's super ugly, but he takes a picture of the name card anyway.
They probably won't have enough money for an art piece like that for a while given student loans and such, but maybe they will at some point, and maybe the artist will have something that they both like that could go in a modest living room in an apartment.
They eat dinner late and stay there chatting long after they've finished, ankles hooked under the table. Michael orders dessert just so they have an excuse to continue filling seats. Ashton gets chocolate sauce on his face and Michael tells him about it instead of wiping it off for him. When they finally split the check, Michael feels like he's splitting himself in half. Maybe things would be better that way. If he were in two halves, he could go back to school and go with Ashton at the same time.
"College sucks," Michael says once they get outside, lingering by their cars. "I don't want to go back."
"Run away with me," Ashton says. "You can be a starving artist and I'll be your boyfriend who sometimes puts food on the table."
"I wish," Michael says, rocking forward on his feet. "I think my parents would kill me. Besides, I have a project with the recording studio that I should probably see through. The band's not bad. It could actually turn into something."
"I hope it does," Ashton says. "Tell me when it's released."
"I will."
They descend into silence, neither of them wanting to say what comes next. Michael scuffs his toe against the pavement and wonders if it's too late to take those words back and run away together.
"Did you have fun?" Ashton asks eventually. "Was the weekend okay?"
"It was amazing, Ashton. It honestly was probably one of the best weekends of my life."
"Really?"
"Yeah." Michael grabs his hands. Ashton immediately brushes his thumb over the promise ring, and Michael hopes he keeps doing that long after the promise ring has switched to a wedding band. "I spent it with my favorite person. What's not to love?"
Ashton kisses him.
"I love you," he says.
"I know," Michael replies.
"Nerd."
Michael smiles and kisses him again.
"I love you, too," he says. "I'm going to miss you a lot."
"I'm only a few hours away," Ashton says. "I'll visit you and make you visit me. Besides, it'll be better with Calum and Luke there again."
"Yeah."
"Cheer up, buttercup. You just had an awesome weekend."
"Yeah," he repeats, squaring his shoulders. "You're right."
"Of course I am."
Michael rolls his eyes and kisses him one last time. When he drives away it still hurts, but not as much as it could.
Calum is unpacking when Michael gets in, and they stay up late catching up. He doesn't check his phone again until he goes to bed.
Ashton tagged him in an Instagram post. It's full of pictures from the weekend: Michael smiling with the Dippin' Dots, them at dinner, a selfie of them in the hotel room, mini-Sheila, and a few more secret shots he took. It's a perfect summary of the two of them, a combination of silly and sweet that makes Michael's chest feel funny. He loves him so much he might burst with it.
The caption is simply someday every day will be like this. Michael falls asleep dreaming of ugly art in their own apartment and waking up to Ashton every morning.
#my writing#mashton#college mashton#5sos fic#mmmm i love zoos and watching hgtv#lily#captain-bisexual
3 notes
·
View notes
Note
Kink ask--omorashi/piss kinks? (No specific characters or ships in mind, but if you have hcs about it, you'd have my full attention.)
No | rather not | I dunno | I guess | Sure | Yes | FUCK yes | Oh god you don’t even know |
okay, look, okay. LOOK. okay. im. very specific abt this one. because A LOT butts right up against me being like Yo that’s Unsanitary. But. I really like this one really specific part of it in like a REALLY INTENSE WAY
just.
like.
the aspect of humiliation in really needing to go and being told not to, squirming as they try and be good or hold themselves back because it feels good to be fucked full while already needy, wanting to concentrate on. being fucked but also so desperate that they can’t concentrate?
and then the relief of being able to go, to let go as asked, the satisfaction of release OR. the humiliation of not being able. to hold it. being debased for making a mess.
eeeeverything else I’m kinda eh/iffy on but. that. gets to me.
(i have headcanons but they’re going under a readmore kdjdj bc otherwise im just gonna have to DIE :) )
mainly i think sabo is into it. smacks itself right into his humiliation kink and he went Oh No and that was it, as soon as he realised it was a kink he couldnt stop thinking about the fact that he often feels really good if he consciously holds back the urge.
he used to get distracted and not pee but then like. after finding out it was an actual kink he pays More Attention to when he has to pee like ‘ i cannot be into this’
but no shocker he is
anyway, scenario of ace/mar finding out is probs smth like, sabo distracting himself on purpose because he does have to get this stuff done but it’s pretty lowkey?
and he doesnt realise koala Knows they have free time and has called his bfs for a surprise (we can say it’s near his birthday so she’s decided she can be nice. as a treat.)
so he’s a little needing-it, but not super there, just an edge at the back of his mind, when ace comes in and puts his hands over sabo’s eyes and is like guess who~
“there’s two guesses, by the way, yoi”
and sabo is like oh!
ofc he first has to tamp down the urge to slam his elbow into ace’s stomach, bc he thought she was koala at first, and he’s trying to say like, Do Not Sneak Up on him, but thgen he’s like wait it’s my boyfriend being cute. we will allow it....
and he gets to turn around and ace still has his hands over sabo’s eyes and gives him a kiss and he’s like. trying not to smile because. he loves them. and it’s really nice to be surprised like this. Normally he has to go visit them instead, they don’t often get to see him.
a Moment of makeouts and soft grinding and physical affection and then Ace is like you should show us around the base!!
and sabo’s like I could show you my bedroom? (eyes emoji)
but Marco just grins at him and he’s like “nahhh, we have time for that later.”
Sabo wants to groan at his cheese but he’s also like okay Fine, dork. Because. he does just like spending time with them and he wasnt super riled up
but.
it does mean
he totally forgot that he needed to piss
it isn’t until an hour later that it suddenly comes back with a vengeance, and sabo’s like ah shit. I had like a fuckton of water. And they’re. hmmm. maybe half-way on a hike or smth? sabo is showing them the revo dock. bc normally the two of them fly in lmao (makes it easier to hide their connection, if Marco flies them both in)
and also the dock is pretty and leads into a beach and it’s disguised as a abandoned fishing town/tourist trap, so he thought they’d like it.
and they do, if the fact that Ace hasn’t stopped grinning, is anything to go by. he just. also. needs to pee. and ace’s smile needs to stop distracting him.
but ace keeps dragging him around and he doesn’t want to say anything, so he’s like nah! it’s gonna be totally fine! We can stop for some food or snacks and I’ll just have a moment to myself then.
but also he’s trying not to get a little turned on. aching to go, and also, thinking about how humiliating it’d be, for his boyfriends to see him hard when they’re just hanging out for kicks, or how nice but confused they’d be, if Sabo accidentally-
and he stops the thought RIGHT THERE because he absoLUTELY cannot live if he thinks about that, and indulges that fantasy, and then Marco places the back of his hand against sabo’s forehead and he’s like huh??
“You look really flushed, Sabo,” Marco says, frowning at him. And it’s an Actual Frown, not a teasing frown. “I think you’re getting sunburnt.”
Sabo spluttering a protest but then Ace drags him into the shade of some rocks and. well. it does actually feel a lot better in the shade, but now that he’s stopped he just. can’t distract himself. pressing his thighs together but trying to look natural, Marco and Ace just chatting and it is Totally Normal he absolutely isn’t desperate to pee, feeling it throb and-
oh shit, oh fuck, that was definitely a leek, Sabo can feel it, the sudden release of tension rocketing through him, feeling so good, and he gives a tiny, sharp little gasp and bites his lip and Marco / Ace are like "Sabo? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” and they’re just touching him, Ace trying to pick away at his coat to see if he’s injured, Marco feeling for a temperature and then at his neck for a pulse, and Sabo’s skin is singing at their touch, at their care, the lingering trace of their fingertips, and he grabs Marco’s laps and grits his teeth and he’s like
“Look, I just really need to pee.”
“Then....just go?” Ace suggests, looking at him with a confused frown, and oh god Sabo’s now just imagining if Ace actually meant it the way Sabo’s brain suddenly leapt to, for Sabo to just go, piss staining his crotch and trickling down his leg to pool on the sand, and Sabo can just imagine how good it would feel if he-
“Oh,” says Marco, cupping his cheek. Sabo will not look at them, but he can absolutely feel how red-hot his cheeks get under Marco’s touch, under the weight of that tone.
“You don’t wanna go, do you, Sabo?” he says carefully, and Ace makes an even more confused sounding huh? next to them. “You just like- feeling like you have to. Is that right?”
“Shut upppp,” Sabo hisses, and Ace is like, computing next to him, and Sabo is so so so embarrassed and so fucking turned on that he’s hard as shit and they haven’t even touched him
wow! great! at least he can’t pee with his dick hard as fuck! but also!
he needs to spontaneously combust in embarrassment
“Oh it’s a kink!” goes Ace, and his eyes dart so fucking obviously to Sabo’s dick and Sabo kinda wants to cover himself but that’s an even more obvious move than Ace seeing his stupid erection and Why is this his Life
Except. Ace is kissing his cheek. And pressing himself against Sabo and sneaking his hand into Sabo’s pants, and Marco is backing him up against the wall. and he’s got a knee between Sabo’s legs for Sabo to grind on.
“Wha-?” he says, knowing now he’s the one who sounds like a confused idiot, and Marco just cocks his head and looks at him
“It is a kink, right? You like this?”
“I- I mean- I don’t-” and both of them are paused & staring at him and his cheeks are aflame as he manages a jagged nod, and then Marco gives him a quick kiss and when he pulls back Ace is just like
“Well if you like it then we can try it out.” and he shrugs like it’s fucking simple, like Sabo hasn’t been super embarrassed this entire time and it settles in him (they love you) and then Marco’s hand reaches out and he fucking presses on Sabo’s bladder and Sabo gasps, needy and pained, yanking Marco’s shirt as he tries to close his legs further, tries to stop that ache, feeling himself shudder. And ace just grins and is like, “I mean, it is pretty hot seeing you squirm like this.”
👌 👌 👌
and then they make out with him, hot and heavy, and when they finally jerk him off, his pants still around his hips and dick out, Marco then just presses on his bladder again and tells him not to pee but it’s too fucking late and Sabo sobs in relief at being able to piss.
So fucking humiliated at Ace & Marco watching him, loose and boneless from his orgasm, but also. they’re watching, watching him make a mess, watching him piss on the sand because he couldn’t hold it back any longer, and he can feel himself getting turned on again as the relief mixes with that preening sense of humiliation and exhibitionism. ️
anyway 4 basic headcanons i kinda think Marco doesn’t really get it/isnt interested in trying it but he likes seeing Sabo desperate. He’s already very good at knowing what will humiliate sabo, this is just another tool in his arsenal, one that used by itself is more than enough to get sabo worked up and crying. he likes. seeing sabo cry.
ace has tried it a couple of times and sorta sees where Sabo’s coming from? but he likes being told he’s a good boy for holding it, for drinking when he’s told, he likes the control aspects more than the humiliation aspects, and sabo likes wetting himself and being mocked but ace is always ): when he “fails”.
AND THOSE ARE MY THOUGHTS AND NOW I NEED TO GO DIE, BYE :)
#hergan416#asks#omo#kink talk#piss kink#answered asks#THIS ONE. embaresses me thank you#monster fuck? yeah no WORRIES man#most everyone i know is into monsterfucking#THIS?#yeah **not so much** lMAO#it is Very hard to find fics i like for this kink tho#bc when i say im specific i. mean it kdjkdj#basically a lot of the common tropes of it im super nope on#like i will read them to get the stuff **I** like out of this??#but. its the humilation part of it. that absoLUTELY gets me going#kdjdkj starting off the asks strong! woo. lmao
15 notes
·
View notes
Text
Hold Me Tighter (Even Closer), Chapter 5 (Branjie, Jankie) - Joley
ao3 link
Jan yawned as she woke up, limbs stretching as she sprawled out. Her eyes fluttered open in confusion - she was alone, but this was not her bed. But once she properly woke up, the memories of the night before came rushing back. And she had slept so well that night, her body relaxed in the wake of such an intense orgasm, comfortable in Jackie’s arms, there hadn’t been a thing she would’ve changed. But she was wondering where Jackie was – not that she would’ve gone too far from her apartment.
Without her contacts in, Jan had stumbled around the bedroom until she found clothes to put on. They fit a bit snugly, leading her to assume they were Jackie’s. But when she did put her contacts in and looked at the outfit, at the ribbed tank top and short shorts, she decided she looked cute and didn’t bother to change. She pulled her hair up into a ponytail and made her way into the other room, smiling when she saw Jackie in the kitchen. “Morning.”
Jackie had thrown a large t-shirt on, one that hit just above her knees and covered the shorts she had on underneath. Her hair was pulled up in a messy bun and she hummed contently to herself until she heard Jan’s voice. She looked over her shoulder, her face lighting up when she saw Jan walk towards her. Of course, she recognized her clothes on the other girl, but she had to admit, she liked how they looked on her even more. “Hey,” she greeted, “sleep well?”
“Very,” she hummed, wrapping her arms around her back from behind and kissing her cheeks. “Oh yay, pancakes!” she chirped as she looked at the stove from over Jackie’s shoulder.
“Well, you did ask so nicely last night,” she cooed. “I’ve got syrup and butter in the fridge if you wanna grab that. Do you want coffee?”
Jan let go of Jackie to rifle through the fridge. “I’ll have a cup if you’re making some already,” she replied as she put the syrup and butter on the counter. “Did you know you don’t have to refrigerate butter? Doesn’t make sense, but apparently, that’s a thing.”
Jackie furrowed her brows. “But it’s dairy. How can you not refrigerate dairy?”
“It’s more fat than dairy,” she shrugged as she opened a couple of cabinets until she found the one with the plates in it, taking two out before closing them all up.
“I guess,” Jackie relented, loading the pancakes onto a serving plate and setting it on the counter.
They filled their plates and made coffee before relocating to sit at the dining room table, still talking animatedly about otherwise trivial and mundane topics. All the worry about things being awkward between them in the aftermath had long since dissipated, to the point where it wasn’t even registering to them anymore. They ate their breakfast, got changed, and Jackie walked Jan out when it was time for her to leave. It was as simple as that.
Jackie cleaned up and retreated to her room afterward, laying facedown in bed. She inhaled deeply, her sheets and pillowcase still smelling like Jan. She didn’t know what she had been so worried about, they got along great after having sex. Surely there was no reason why that couldn’t factor into a normal friendship, right?
——
“Okay, you can let go,” Brooke Lynn said to Vanessa, who was standing on the opposite side of the room, holding the end of a tape measure. “So, we’re looking at a nine by nine room, which is a little bigger than I expected, so that’s nice,” she remarked, setting the tape measure aside and sloppily writing the dimensions down in a notebook.
Vanessa nodded as she looked around. The walls were a basic, simple white and the floors were hardwood. They’d both come to the immediate conclusion that both of these were unsuitable for their future child. So, while they were waiting for an update from the agency they had been in touch with, they decided to dive right into the room makeover. “You know what we should do? Paint the wall with the window a bright color, and the rest like, a pastel version of it.”
Brooke tilted her head, trying to envision what her wife described. “That’s a really good idea. We get a lot of natural light in here, it’ll balance out.”
“Don’t sound surprised, I have good ideas all the time!”
“You sure do,” she cooed, wrapping her arms around Vanessa and kissing her pouting lips. “We’ll get one of those paint swatch books and you can pick out your favorites.”
Vanessa arched her brow, unsure if that was an implied promise or if Brooke was simply placating her to avoid conflict – she was well known for the latter, after all. “You’re gonna let me pick?”
Brooke offered a non-committal hum, raking her fingers through Vanessa’s hair. “We’ll talk about it, baby.”
“Yeah, yeah I heard that line before,” she rolled her eyes, but smiled and kissed her nonetheless. “What time is Katya coming to pick up the desk?”
“She said around noon, so I’m expecting about two-thirty,” she chuckled and glanced at her phone. “She’ll text or call me when she’s on her way.” She may not have been able to trust Katya to be on time, but she usually gave enough of a warning for her to adjust accordingly. Still, just in case, she would end up periodically checking to see if her phone would ring or she’d hear that familiar text tone.
Vanessa nodded. “You know, one of Katya’s freshman students is dating her niece,” she remarked offhandedly. “I think she’s Jan’s roommate.”
Brooke’s brows knitted in the middle of her forehead. “Really? I swear, everyone’s so connected around here,” she mused with a shrug. It did seem like every time she was introduced to someone, they already had a connection to someone else. And it was only ever like that in their department at this school, no other community she had been a part of had been so interwoven. There was something oddly endearing about it when she thought about it. Maybe that was why she was still so attached, why she kept coming back here.
“Dunno how, but I think it could be useful once we get back into that matchmaking shit,” she added. “Like, have someone on the inside.”
Brooke looked at her wife curiously. “Are you suggesting we get Jan’s roommate – who is also Katya’s student and by proxy, yours – to be our matchmaking spy? That seems… unethical.”
Vanessa shrugged. “Just spitballin’ ideas here.” It’s not like either of them had a pure ethical code that they had a strict adherence to, but she supposed it was for the best to just let the idea go.
As it turned out, Katya was only about an hour late, which was fairly impressive by her standards. “Alright,” she prompted once she located the desk that had been temporarily moved into the living room, “let’s load this baby up.”
The desk wasn’t too heavy – Brooke and Katya were able to take it outside while Vanessa diligently supervised and helped the other two get it into the van. It was a tight squeeze, but they made it work. “Shit,” Vanessa smiled with an exhale, “this is happening.”
“Are you okay?” Brooke asked as the three of them went back inside.
“I am, it’s just really hitting. But I’ve never been more excited about nothing in my life.”
Katya looked at the couple with piqued interest, sitting down on the couch. “Well, come on, don’t leave me in the dark here,” she jokingly chastised. “Tell me everything. What have you done so far? What do you have to do? Are you gonna have to meet with whatever parent gave up custody?” While Katya and her wife did have a child, they had gone the surrogacy route, as her wife had expressed a strong desire to do so.
“It’s so much paperwork,” Brooke said with a dramatic flourish as she dropped herself onto the couch. “I mean I get it, they want to be thorough, but still.”
Vanessa nodded. “We gotta do this thing called the ‘home study’. It’s a fuckton of meetings, interviews, and training sessions with the agency. Gonna take a few months to do all of it,” she added.
Katya looked positively riveted at the explanation. She supposed she had previously assumed it was just a marginally more complicated version of adopting a pet. “What do they teach you? Like, how not to neglect a kid?”
“Kind of,” Brooke replied. “It’s more like, understanding adoption, figuring out what we bring to the table as good parents, and stuff to decide what type of child would best be suited to us. It’s not like, we just walk into a room, look at a bunch of kids, and pick out the cutest one.”
“I mean yeah, when you put it like that, it is a human being’s entire life in play,” Katya agreed. “I think all parents should have some sort of ‘how not to fuck up your kids’ training. I’d take it in a heartbeat,” she added offhandedly.
Vanessa frowned and leaned forward, making sure she held Katya’s gaze. “Why? You guys are good moms, got your shit together, and whatever.” Sure, it had been a little surprising when she had made the announcement, but they both had all the faith in the world that she would raise her child – Brooke and Vanessa’s goddaughter – very well.
“Yeah, but wouldn’t you want a cheat sheet if you had the option of getting one?”
Brooke and Vanessa looked at each other, engaging in some sort of silent, telepathic communication happening between the two of them before they simultaneously nodded and answered, “yeah.”
Katya had a small, triumphant grin before moving on to her next question. “What type of kid are you hoping for? Is that an… okay thing to ask?”
“Yeah, I mean, we have to set some sort of parameters so the agency knows what to look for,” Brooke explained. “We decided to aim for the three to five age range, adoption rates drop off drastically at that point, and honestly, I don’t trust myself taking care of a newborn. “I said that race and ethnicity was a non-issue for me, but–”
“–But ideally, I’m hopin’ for a Latina, wanna have those cultural things to bond over, you know?” Vanessa finished, then added, “we also want a girl.”
Katya’s eyes were bright with enthusiasm for her friends. “I’m sure whatever child ends up with you is gonna be super cute and super lucky to have you guys,” she told them, then looked down to check her phone. “I gotta head out though, Priyanka’s babysitting, and I don’t trust her with Julia for more than a couple hours, especially if she brought Lemon over,” she said as she got up, then looked at her friends with a fond smile. “Oh, I remember when you two were in that phase. New love, obnoxious horniness. Ah, memories. Anyway, good luck, bye!” And with that, she was gone.
Vanessa moved to sit on Brooke’s lap. “You remember those days, boo? All that young, puppy love?”
Brooke smiled, wrapping her arms around Vanessa’s waist. “How could I ever forget? We were just so obsessed with each other, even though our communication was pretty damn bad at the beginning,” she laughed softly.
“What, like with the Juilliard girl?” Vanessa hid her face in the crook of Brooke’s neck as she giggled. “I thought I was so smart tryna make you jealous to get some rough sex,” she shook her head, cheeks still reddening despite all the years that had passed.
“Yeah, the one I was ready to murder,” Brooke recalled. “Little did you know, the best was yet to come,” she hummed as she aimlessly played with Vanessa’s hair.
Throughout their relationship, they had learned what felt like every little detail about each other, especially in the bedroom. Vanessa learned that Brooke was an exhibitionist that got off on riling her up in public, Brooke learned that Vanessa was a textbook brat that loved having her limits pushed. There was a solid chunk of time after their honeymoon that was dedicated almost exclusively to doing everything and anything they wanted to in bed.
“Been a while since we fucked like that,” Vanessa mused offhandedly. It was neither of their faults, there had been a time where they really couldn’t do anything but work. And they loved their work, and they felt comfortable enough with each other for it to never be a real concern.
Brooke frowned, holding her wife tighter. “I guess so… God, I hope we’re not falling into a lesbian bed death.” She caught the look on Vanessa’s face, the one where she was asking for an explanation without wanting to have to say the words. “It’s when a lesbian couple still really loves each other, but their sex life kind of… tapers off.”
Vanessa nodded in understanding. “Gonna have even less time once we bring in a kid,” she added, then shifted so Brooke was laying down and she was resting on top of her. “I don’t want that to happen with us, though.”
“Then we won’t let it,” she hummed, securing both arms around the smaller woman and leaning up to kiss her sweetly. “We’ll make time for each other, cram in all the sex we can get before we have to be on our best behavior. I promise I’ll make it good for you, okay baby?”
That was enough to satiate the newly-developed concern that had bubbled up inside of Vanessa. She knew neither of them ever doubted that their attraction towards each other was only matched by their love for each other, but just like any other couple, making time to remind themselves of that could only help. “Yeah, I know you’re good for it,” she chuckled softly.
There was a beat of silence before Brooke asked, “Do you think that’s why we’ve been trying to get Jan and Jackie together? To live vicariously through them?”
Vanessa chewed on her lip as she thought. “Nah,” she finally concluded. “It ain’t like that. It’s the nostalgia of it all, you know? It’s fun because watching people fall in love is fun, and sometimes people that are already in love can see that spark in other people.”
Brooke smiled warmly. “You know, sometimes I forget how prolific you can be.”
“I’m not prolific, I’m pro-choice.” Vanessa watched as Brooke struggled with the decision of whether or not to correct her. “I’m just fucking with you, babe.”
——
Jaida stared at Jackie with a deadpan expression. “You know you’re supposed to be the smart one, right?” she finally asked.
Jackie frowned, poking her fork against her food. “I don’t see what the big deal is. This whole thing was just about us being awkward about fooling around. Now we’re having sex, so everything’s fine. Why wouldn’t that be fine?”
The conversation hadn’t been going on for very long, but it was clear that Jaida was already exhausted with her friend. “The general rule of thumb for just fucking someone is that you don’t cuddle them while you sleep and then cook them breakfast in the morning. You do that with someone you’re tryna cuff,” she told her. “And if that’s what you wanna do, that’s fine, but you gotta own it.”
“I’m not trying to cuff her!” Jackie insisted. “I mean it, we have great sexual chemistry and we were driving ourselves crazy trying to ignore it. So, all we’re doing is not ignoring it. It’s healthier for us, otherwise class was just… weird. And I don’t want things to be weird with her.”
“You want me to believe that you got no feelings for her whatsoever, huh?” Jaida hadn’t even met Jan yet, she didn’t need to. She’s known Jackie long enough to know that she has never had a successful friends-with-benefits relationship before. Someone always caught feelings, and no matter how it ended, it was never good. Perhaps that was obvious, considering Jackie had been single for over a year, something Jaida knew she hated.
And that left Jackie quiet for a good few moments. As much as she overanalyzed everything else in her life, she didn’t want to do that with Jan. Jan didn’t seem complicated to her – she was vivacious and charming and seemed to know exactly what she wanted out of life. She had an air of whimsy about her that Jackie both admired and envied. “I’ve never met anyone like her before. I can’t explain how, but she’s… different. And I don’t know if it means I have feelings for her, I’m not at a point where I want to think about it.”
Jaida nodded as she listened. Even if she wasn’t fully convinced in everything Jackie said, she understood where she was coming from. And she could’ve kept riding her about it, but she didn’t see much point in that either. “Is sex good, at least?”
Jackie nearly choked on the bite of food in her mouth, quickly washing it down with a swig of her drink. “Jaida!” she giggled her hand to her chest, clutching imaginary pearls. “But, um… yes, some of the best I’ve ever had. It’s crazy, when you look at her, you see this cute, doe-eyed girl, but as soon as she gets a little horny… shit, it’s a whole transformation.”
“You topping her or nah?” She was amused and surprised by how candid her friend was being and wanted to see how far she could push it.
This time Jackie blushed and bit down on her lip. “Oh my god, Jaida,” she shook her head and looked down. “There’s no other option but to top her, it’s pretty hot.”
“Damn, okay,” Jaida laughed. “So when do I get to meet this girl? Wanna find out who’s been living in your mind rent-free.”
Jackie shrugged as she finished up her lunch. “Stop by campus one of these days, I’m sure Brooke Lynn won’t mind if you sit in on a class,” she offered. “Just play it cool, okay?”
Jaida snorted. “You first, bitch.”
#rpdr fanfiction#brooke lynn hytes#vanessa vanjie mateo#jan sport#jackie cox#branjie#jankie#lesbian au#university au#college au#smut#hold me tighter even closer#joley
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
Let’s Review || Chapter 13
Peter Parker knew that his big sister would do anything for him to be safe and happy. She’d given up everything for him twice over already and would do it again in a heartbeat. And that’s why, when the criminal mastermind Tony Stark started inextricably following him around, he didn’t say a word. Because he knew without a doubt Penny would do whatever she had to if it meant keeping Peter safe. He had to protect her, just like she always protected him. He never considered what would happen if Stark decided both Parker siblings were worth taking. Never considered who else in Stark’s inner circle would agree. He just wanted to protect her and yet somehow, they both ended up with needles in their necks.
relationship: Steve Rogers/Original Female Character/Bucky Barnes, background Peter Parker/Tony Stark
rating: Explicit
warnings: Dark Steve Rogers, Dark Bucky Barnes, Dark Tony Stark, Dark Avengers, kidnapping, non-con/dub-con elements, underage Peter Parker, emotional and psychological abuse, very dark
casual reminder: this story is r o u g h. themes of rape, kidnapping, power imbalances, etc.. This story does not depict healthy or safe relationships. Trigger warnings for explicit torture, blood, vomit, and the usual. be advised, be safe.
The apartment was filled with plants. Like, a ridiculous number of plants and a good portion of them weren’t suited for the indoors. She’d woken up on a couch, was kissed goodbye by Peter and Tony, and got swept up by a very enthusiastic Bucky before she really knew what was happening. We want to show you something. Shivers had gone down her spine because she wasn’t sure she wanted to see anything they were so excited to show her, but it turned out to just be a metric fuckton of plants.
Actually, there was a ton of stuff in the apartment that hadn’t been there that morning. There were empty shelves all over the place and yarn, fucking yarn for days. A bazillion crochet hooks and knitting needles and books—books. She could barely read on a good day but they’d bought about fifty million books on crocheting and knitting and plants.
In real life, if Bucky and Steve were her boyfriends who’d done something stupid, the ridiculous amount of stupid I’m Sorry gifts probably would’ve worked. There was a spark of amusement in her chest anyway but she refused to glorify it. There was no amount of ‘Oops Sorry’ gifts that could make up for kidnapping and imprisonment. They couldn’t fucking enrich her environment like she was an animal at the zoo and expect her to lose her mind over it.
“A lot of the plants need to go outside,” Steve was walking around the living room, “JARVIS has greenlit construction on a rooftop garden and greenhouse so we only need to keep them inside for a little while. We’re also gonna set up an indoor garden room, with humidity controls and special lights, we just have to get the windows replaced.”
“And we wanted to get your opinion on these,” Bucky invaded her space a moment later, wrapping his arms around her from behind and holding his phone in front of them, “you like to lay in front of the windows, do you want one of these daybeds?”
“Or one of these,” Steve stepped up with his own phone in hand, several photos of indoor hammock style lounge chairs, “we can anchor it to the ceiling.”
A numb sort of feeling seeped into Penny’s bones and she found herself looking at the phones silently, listening to them go on and on about her ‘options’. Fucking options. Penny didn’t have options, that had been made very clear to her multiple times over the course of the last several days. The last month, in fact, if she was being completely honest. From the moment she learned of Tony Stark’s involvement in her little brother’s life, her options had slid out from under her like sand.
“I’m going to go lay down,” she stated quietly, ignoring the fact she’d taken a three hour nap, and pulled away from the pair.
She didn’t sleep though. JARVIS began projecting movies onto the wall without being asked while Penny stripped off her jeans, not bothering to change into anything, and crawled into bed. She wished the bedding was heavier, wished the room was colder, why weren’t there more pillows?
Several movies played while she lay curled around a pillow, not moving other than to breathe. At some point they brought her dinner, prepared just for her by Chef Cohen, and watched while she picked at it for a good hour before giving up. While Steve left to go put away the leftovers, Bucky slotted himself behind her and returned the pillow she’d been holding before. He fell asleep after about an hour, just before Steve returned with a book and a glass of water.
“I don’t want you to get dehydrated again, doll,” he explained quietly as he slipped into bed, waking Bucky with the movements but not acknowledging it, “drink this before you fall asleep.”
Penny didn’t bother to inform him she likely wouldn’t be falling asleep, not for any reasonable amount of time anyway. She drank the whole thing regardless, resettling herself down into the bed once she’d finished and letting the soldiers find their places around her. It took half an hour before she realized something was weird, that her eyes were getting heavier while she tried to watch her movie. Part of her wanted to be excited— if she managed to fall asleep, it would be the first time in ages that she had a chance to sleep through the night. But the other part of her realized that something was off.
“Shh, baby, don’t tense up,” Bucky murmured from behind her, his hands petting over her stomach slowly, “you’re so tired precious, just go to sleep.”
“Whahdiju—” Penny couldn’t even finish her slurred sentence; it was like something had attached to her body and was pulling her down, she was sinking deeper and deeper into the mattress but she could hardly move.
Steve cupped her face from where he lay in front of her, gently brushing his nose against hers, “goodnight babydoll, we’ll see you in the morning.”
A strangled noise escaped Penny, she thought she should be hyperventilating but she literally couldn’t. Her body was being pressed down on, was still sinking further and further into the mattress until she couldn’t think anymore. The sleep was restful to a fault, a dead slumber with no dreams at all.
When she woke, she was alone in the bed. The soldiers were nearby, she could hear their voices, but she wasn’t wrapped up in them like she usually was. It took longer than it should’ve for her body to respond to her brains orders, longer for her to have complete control over her extremities. She felt out of place and confused, much like the first time she’d woken up in the tower after being drugged.
She’d been drugged more in the last year than most people were in their entire lives. In the back of her mind, she remembered how lucky she’d been for so long; sure, it was about time for it to run out, but why did it have to go so spectacularly?
A low thrum of despair started in her heart and spread throughout her body like a virus, slinking through her veins and infecting her flesh. She clapped a hand over her mouth, trying to quiet the cries escaping against her will. Obviously, she’d never felt safe in the tower. She was entirely at the mercy of her captors, their whims were her existence. They could put their hands on her, hurt her, lock her in a room and throw away the key, but being drugged felt like something worse. It was an extra step in stripping her autonomy that she somehow hadn’t expected and it was more than terrifying. They could literally do whatever they wanted to her and she couldn’t do a thing to stop it.
“Jesus! Penny, baby what’s wrong?” She was swept up into Steve’s arms, the blond cradling her close to his chest, “Are you hurt? Are you sick? Penny, doll, talk to me baby, please—”
A tremble was running through her entire body, chest heaving with silenced cries while he continued to rock her. Bucky appeared through the blur of tears, pressing himself against her back where Steve held her and wrapping his arms around the pair.
“Just let her cry, Stevie,” the brunet quietly ordered, running his hand up and down his panicking boyfriend’s back, “let her get it out.”
Penny wasn’t sure how long it took for her to stop bawling. Eventually she just sort of opened her eyes and found herself sitting on Steve’s lap on the edge of the bed, once again exhausted and numb.
“Feel better, doll?” Bucky asked quietly, stroking her hair gently and sighing when she didn’t bother to answer, “maybe we shouldn’t go in today.”
“We have to,” Steve shook his head, pressing his lips to Penny’s covered shoulder, “Baby, Bucky and I have to go to work today. We’ll still be in the tower, JARVIS can contact us for you if you need us.”
As if she would ever, ever ask JARVIS to contact them. As if they were in some fever dream where Penny would be devastated if they left and never came back. As if she wouldn't be elated if they died.
Penny just nodded, allowing them to pet and coddle her until they needed to leave. Apparently breakfasts with Peter were now only on weekends, although Penny was allowed to go to see him as long as she checked first.
The soldiers spent a stupid amount of time 'saying goodbye' to her, fretting over leaving her alone as if she wasn't a goddamn adult. Contempt welled in her chest, crawling up her throat. She swallowed it down as hard as she could; she wouldn’t break the ‘be sweet’ rule, not when her ass was just starting to feel normal again. It took a good twenty minutes before the door shut, JARVIS automatically locking it behind them.
“They’re gone, JARVIS?”
“The soldiers are on the elevator heading for the conference floors, Miss. Should I call them back?”
“No!” Penny jumped at the sound of her own shout, “No, definitely not. I just… will you warn me when they start to come back?”
“Of course Miss, I would be happy too.”
“What is Peter doing right now?”
“Mr. Parker is still asleep, Miss.”
Disappointment settled on her shoulders but Penny quickly shook it off, looking around the living room. There were still a million and one plants scattered about, most looking desperate for water. Her disdain rattled through her; watering the plants would be giving in. They’d think she liked the plants, that they’d made her happy. But she hated the idea of letting them all die just to send a message. It wasn’t the plants fault that they’d been purchased by monsters.
It took almost half an hour to water them all and another forty minutes to sort them by the amount of sunlight they needed. JARVIS was critical in the endeavor, identifying everything Penny didn’t recognize and immediately reporting the optimal conditions for growth. The more effort and energy and time it took, the more Penny felt her rage growing.
“Those fucking bastards, do they not realize how delicate these are? They’ll die without enough sunlight!”
“I fucking hate these, they’re the worst JARVIS.” “Peacock plants require very strict care routines, shall I set reminders Miss?” “You can set it the fuck on fire I hate these.”
“Please tell me this isn’t a zebra plant.” “Should I lie to you, Miss?” “How the fuck am I going to keep a zebra plant alive in fucking New York?”
“They bought crotons. I hate crotons, JARVIS. You move them two inches and they get mad and drop all of their leaves.”
By noon, Penny was seething and it wasn’t just the plants that had driven her rage. The sheer injustice of her situation was setting in, overpowering the fear and the sadness.
“They just took us, JARVIS, how could they think that was okay?” She demanded, looking at the little red light in the corner of the room, “They just fucking took us like we were—like we were puppies in a cardboard box! We’re people, JARVIS! We’re people and we have lives and they just fucking took us away!”
“A-and they think that I should just accept it! I should be happy to be here, to be locked in a literal tower like some fucked up Disney princess, I should be thankful they stole us!”
Penny roughly placed an African Violet onto the kitchen counter, slamming her fist down next to it a moment later. She dropped her face into her hands, elbows rested on the counter, and heaved a massive sigh. Her face was hot to the touch in her rage.
“I can’t even get mad, I can’t be mad at them or I break their stupid fucking rules. Be Sweet, what the fuck does that even mean?!” She threw her arms out in irritation, screeching when her hand hit the mug Bucky had used for breakfast. It flew off the counter and smashed against the ground, pieces of ceramic flying everywhere, “oh mother fucker! Now I’m gonna get in trouble for that.”
“There is no rule against breaking dishes, Ms. Parker.”
Silence settled over the kitchen, even the sound of her breathing quieted. They had told her she couldn’t be violent and she had to be sweet—those were the only rules. Penny darted out of the kitchen and ran to the closet, snatching a pair of Bucky’s slippers before running back.
“Hey JARVIS, can you play music for me?”
“Of course, Miss, what would you like?”
“Ever heard of Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit?”
It only took about an hour to destroy every single plate, bowl, and cup in the kitchen. Every single piece of smashable cutlery had been demolished while a loud, raging playlist screamed through the apartment. Her chest was heaving with effort, eyes scanning the carnage that was the floor. A sense of contentment was washing through her for the first time in a month, a fleeting peace thrumming through her bones. It felt wonderful, even if it would only last for a little while.
"JARVIS, can you ask Chef Cohen if he has time to make me lunch maybe?" Penny asked absently, broken glass and ceramic making satisfying crunching noises as she left the kitchen and flopped onto the couch.
"Do you have anything specific in mind Miss?"
"No, just whatever he wants to make. How do I turn on the TV?"
"I can do that for you if you'd like Miss. The remote control is kept in the basket beneath the side table to your left."
"Thanks JARV, I got it," Penny hadn't actually sat down with the intention of watching TV in ages but it sounded like a good way to pass time, "maybe you could help me find something to watch though? I'm not sure where to start."
Binge watching TV shows was a phenomenon Penny was pretty sure she could get behind. She spent the whole afternoon parked out on the couch, happily eating the huge lunch that had been sent up for her and secretly admiring the very pretty array of succulents that had been purchased for her.
"Ms. Parker, the soldiers are preparing to return home for the day."
A small under current of nerves rocketed through her. The kitchen was a warzone and part of her wondered how badly she was gonna get beat for destroying everything she knew would make acceptable shattering noises. Technically, destroying the kitchen wasn’t against the rules. When the door to the apartment opened, Penny plastered a sweet smile on her face. Be sweet had never been defined, but she would be sweet as fuck.
“Hey doll,” Bucky greeted upon seeing her, eyes sweeping over her sprawled position on the couch and the empty food cart next to the coffee table, “did you have a good day?”
“Yes,” Penny continued to smile, making sure her tone was sugary.
She could see the suspicion settling over their faces, the furrowed brows and pursed lips. They exchanged a look and her smile widened.
“Penny, what’s going on?” Steve asked gently after a moment.
“I’m being sweet,” her lips pulled back to show her teeth, the expression still a smile but a rather brutal one, and carefully tried to keep her eyes from straying to the kitchen.
Somehow Steve still divined her intention though and turned to walk to the kitchen while Bucky approached her. The brunet looked simultaneously suspicious and amused, carefully scooping her up into his arms and sitting on the couch with her sprawled on top of him. A low, long whistle came from the kitchen and Bucky raised an eyebrow at her, only to have Penny very abruptly press her lips against his.
It was a trick, he was fully aware that she was trying to distract him, but fuck if it didn’t work. Penny initiating any sort of intimacy had been a practically nonexistent dream and he very quickly decided he couldn’t give half a shit about what was in the kitchen. He adjusted her on his lap and leaned back against the arm of the couch, tucking her up close to his chest and sighing into her mouth. Fuck he’d found heaven, fuck he couldn’t care less what she’d gotten up to in the kitchen, she was kissing him and she was soft and her weight on top of his chest was perfect.
Steve could literally see his lover melting into the couch cushions under Penny’s clever, if obvious, tactics. The kitchen was a disaster and he wondered if anything had been left intact but he did love getting to see his two favourite people wrapped up in each other. Plus, poor Penny seemed to have forgotten her original purpose in kissing Bucky and had gone boneless.
“Our doll left quite a mess in the kitchen, Buck,” he called lowly, watching the brunet fight to bring himself back to full consciousness and reluctantly pull away from the kiss.
“Fuck you’re so sweet,” Bucky rumbled, dragging his lips against Penny’s several times before forcing himself to stop, “manipulative little doll.”
“How long did it take you to break everything, precious?” Steve felt a small smirk tugging at his lips, eyes tracking Penny’s careful smile and the nervousness beginning to rise in her eyes.
“I don’t know,” still smiling, a sugary sweet voice, their doll was a little shitkicker.
“JARVIS, why didn’t you tell us that Penny was having a fit?”
“Ms. Parker was in no danger and was not showing any signs of emotional distress, Captain.”
“Destroying everything she could get her hands on doesn’t count as a sign of emotional distress?”
“I am unable to differentiate human emotions unless they are accompanied by biological changes in temperature, heart rate—”
“JARVIS, call Tony up here please.”
Penny’s body pulled taught at that and he could see her throat move as she swallowed, the nervousness continuing to rise. Her cheeks were an appealing shade of pink and Steve crossed the room to sit on the coffee table in front of the couch, stealing her off of Bucky’s lap and bringing her to sit across his thighs.
“You’re being sweet, huh baby?” He murmured quietly, nose brushing her cheek bone, “show me how sweet you can be.”
He pressed his lips against hers but didn’t move further, forcing Penny to adjust her position in order to kiss him properly. There was only a moment's hesitation, broken by the sound of Bucky’s near delirious sigh, before Penny’s lips started moving over his in a languid fashion. He quickly came to understand why Buck had just about melted into the couch when she gave in, their doll was an excellent kisser and she was so, so sweet.
“And here I thought you’d fallen and couldn’t get up.”
Penny tried to pull away at the sound of Tony’s voice but Steve kept a hand on her cheek, holding her in place for a few more seconds before letting her lips fall away. He guided her head down to rest against his shoulder, carefully running his hand down the length of her hair without tangling his fingers in her curls.
“Go check out the kitchen, wouldja?”
“Did you break the coffee pot again, Ol’ Timer? Need the youngin’ to come fix—oh, that’s an impressive level of destruction for such a little thing. Did you have to climb on the counters to get to the top shelves precious?”
“Tony, why wouldn’t JARVIS alert us that Penny was having a breakdown?” Bucky reached out and swiftly stole Penny from his boyfriend’s lap, carefully curling her into the cage of his arms and ignoring her grumbling when he manipulated her limbs into a more comfortable position.
“J, explain yourself,” Tony Did Not Roll His Eyes, but he did really, really want to.
“Ms. Parker was not breaking any rules that had been explained to her, nor was she exhibiting any signs of emotional distress.”
“I’m pretty sure going ape shit on the entire kitchen counts as emotional distress, J,” Tony admonished carefully.
“Then I do apologize, sir.” The AI did not sound apologetic in the least and if nothing else, JARVIS was smug.
“Since we seem to have to explain this implicitly, Penny doll, wrecking the kitchen is not okay,” Bucky tipped her head back with a careful nudge, forcing eye contact, “you can’t destroy the kitchen because you’re upset.”
He wasn’t even bothered, to be honest. The tower was still standing, she hadn’t set anything on fire, and she was entirely unharmed; it was a better outcome than he had been expecting upon leaving their tiny monster alone for so long. She hadn’t even attempted an escape and honestly he was planning to count the day as a win. A quick glance at Steve confirmed he felt the same way.
“JARVIS, if Penny goes on the warpath again, I expect you to inform someone,” Tony ordered, ignoring the small spark of heat in his chest upon seeing Penny give in to Bucky’s embrace and lay against the brunet completely.
“Yes, sir.” Petulant. The robot voice in the walls sounded petulant and Steve didn’t appreciate JARVIS having such strong emotions.
“Now, was there anything else or can I get back to my baby?”
Before either of the soldiers could respond, Penny popped back up, “Can I see Peter?”
“Not tonight, precious,” he ignored the sad look on her face and pressed on, “I’ll send him up tomorrow to have breakfast with you, fair?”
Penny didn’t look all too placated but she nodded, grudgingly accepting the pretend compromise. It wasn’t an actual compromise, Stark didn’t give anything up in exchange for them meeting in the middle, but being able to see through the manipulation tactic was its own success.
“Come give me a kiss before I leave, precious.” Cheating. Stark was cheating and they both knew it.
When she hesitated for too long, Bucky cleared his throat and gave her a nudge, “Be sweet, Penny.”
Standing up was a fucking chore. Her entire body protested the action, Steve ended up guiding her hips up off the edge of the couch. Stark had his hand stretched towards her and she forced her feet to move as he gestured her towards him.
Being touched by Tony Stark was like touching a livewire. When she grabbed his hand, goosebumps ran down her arm and her heart began to race when he pulled her to his chest. His presence was simultaneously terrifying and calming. The kiss he placed on her forehead was scorching and afterwards, when he tapped his own fingers to his lips, she felt her body tremble. Stretching onto her toes, she pressed a chaste, barely brushing kiss there before quickly backing away and retreating into the bedroom.
The door slammed behind her and Tony turned his gaze to the soldiers, “I’ll send someone to clean up your kitchen. I do need to talk to you while I’m up here though— their disappearance is starting to gain attention.”
Bucky groaned, head falling back against the couch, “We’ll need to stage some bodies then, do we have any options on hand?”
“One that’ll fit for Penny, maybe, but nothing for Peter,” Tony crossed his arms over his chest, one hand running over his goatee, “shouldn’t be too hard though. Have you talked to Rumlow recently?”
“Not in a few days,” Steve rolled his neck in annoyance, “too fragile.”
“Make sure you leave him alive for now,” it was an order, “Penny’s having a hard time adjusting, we may need some leverage.”
“Is Peter acting out?”
“Hardly,” Tony snorted, “force more intimacy, affection broke Peter in half like he’d never experienced it before.”
“Penny has some trauma with sex, from Rumlow,” Steve glanced towards the bedroom door, “she almost doesn’t know how to react to phsyical contact.”
“She has to be punished for the stunt in the kitchen,” Bucky tilted his head thoughtfully, “we can’t go any further until that.”
“She didn’t technically break any rules—”
“Don’t start Super Stupid,” Tony pointed at the blond quickly, “she’s not a child, she knows better.”
“We do owe Rumlow a visit,” Bucky didn’t give his boyfriend a chance to respond, “We’ll take Penny along.”
“It’ll traumatize her,” Steve frowned, resting his cheek on his fist.
“And you’ll pick up the pieces afterwards,” Tony gave them both a careful expression, “she needs to know that you’re her support system, that she has to rely on you for comfort and safety.”
“Break her down and build her back up,” a soft hum escaped Bucky, the wheels beginning to turn in his brain as he considered the implications of shredding Penny down to her bare essentials, “systematically.”
“Poor thing,” a heavy sigh escaped Steve before he slapped his hands down on his thighs and stood, turning to face the door she was hiding behind, “I hate seeing her sad.”
“We’ll get through it, Stevie,” Bucky followed him to his feet and squeezed the blond’s shoulder, “and so will she. Penny! Penny doll, come out here, we’ve got places to be!”
#steve rogers x oc x bucky barnes#steve rogers x oc#bucky barnes x oc#dark!steve rogers#dark!bucky barnes#dark!tony stark#dark!mcu#let's review#let's review chapter 13
140 notes
·
View notes
Text
Oof 2020 recap.
I stepped down from my job in... End of Jan? Early Feb? with the intention of 1. getting away from a crazy employee I was not being paid enough to deal with and was not allowed to fire, 2. Finally had enough savings that I wasn’t a constant ball of insecurity, and I could take 9 months off with no income before I’d start worrying, and 9 months felt like a good time frame to try and be self employed and sell crafts/plushies at conventions.
Because why wouldn’t there be a bunch of conventions to sell things at in 2020???
Not working 50 hour weeks was also supposed to give me time to plan August wedding, and make wedding dress.
March, start sending out wedding invites. Two weeks later, Cuomo shuts down the entire state. *~*Timing~*~
Send out “woops hold that thought” cards.
The fiance had to transition to teaching his classes over zoom, and making youtube videos, which ends up being a 12-hour, 7-day a week time commitment. On the plus there, that was a huge crash course in video editing he finally had a reason to learn. And serendipitously, me had his brother had gotten him a bunch of camera and recording equipment to bully him into doing movie reviews on youtube, so he actually had the stuff he needed to teach online effectively. He takes over half of my craft room immediately after I reorganized and spread things out to make sewing more efficient and organized. Sewing stuff gets re-squished back into the corner. :<
April, i sew so many masks. so so many. i do not like sew mask. ;~;
Etsy sticks more fees on their site! I make a website! Web design has changed a fuckton since ye olden dayes of neopet pet pages! I have no idea what I’m doing; can’t even add a glitter trail following the cursor around! Where is the option for autoplay music in the background! Lame!
Mid June, and no end in sight for, ...y’know, so we cancel August wedding and push our deposit back to 2021. Fiance was really bummed about not getting the specific date so like a week later the venue says we can still show up with a small group and get “official married” outside on the day. I’m not gung-ho for this at all, but James is, so we decide to do that; start scrambling. I make my dress but like. From what was supposed to be the first drape fabric, because fabric store’s still closed. I like it, but idk!
I didn’t think I actually cared super much about wedding details, like I didn’t have a “dream wedding” as a kid or have a moodboard or anything... All I was really hoping for was having family there since I only get to see all the cousins maybe once every 7-10 years, and making my own dress. Since big family gather was obviously not allowed, not even being able to make my dress in the way I saw it in my head was just kinda... disgruntling? I guess? Sad emotions I can’t really put to words, and not strong enough to overrule fiance having strong happy emotions about getting to keep our original wedding date.
New York gathering limit is raised to 25, so my family (6) and his (2) plus us and officiant (3) all get together and yay, officially married on August 1st! Until we get paperwork from NY state, and ha ha funny story, officiant signed the paperwork for August 2. Officiant apologizes, sends in a correction letter, so now we’re officially married on the 2nd, but have a footnote in state records that says *(actually it was Aug. 1).
So like, I’m happy we got married, that’s a happy part of the day, but 1. family wasn’t there, 2. didn’t get to make the dress I was hoping to, 3. we didn’t even get the fucking date we did all this for??? It’s a complicated mix of emotions and I’m finding myself just kinda ignoring the fact we actually got married instead of trying to grapple and force the positive feelings to outweigh the negative. SHRUG EMOJI HAHA. DEALING WITH OUR FEELINGS? SOUNDS SUS.
September, my former job reopens, asks if I want to come back, because the person I trained as my replacement ended up quitting because she didn’t want to come back. Neither do I.
October, they hire a new manager, and I end up going in to train her a few days, and cover for her a few more days, and now I’m on call to help out, because I am a big wimpy pushover and did actually really like my job, and like the new lady taking over and don’t want things to be hard for her.
November, I got glasses! I have discovered that the world should NOT be blurry when it is 10 feet away from you.
I know I struggle without a defined definite schedule and my brain latches on to any possible distraction, so this year has been heck. Mental health-wise, I’m doing much better now that I’m not in daily contact with chaos employee! But productivity and focus-wise? ZIP ZILCH ZERO. It has been a STRUGGLE. I don’t have a distraction free zone because of James doing work-from-home teaching, and I don’t have a defined schedule of social events and work shifts to keep me on task. I kinda feel like my brain has turned into a bunch of smokey fog that’s just kinda swirling around inside my head, and every once in a while I emerge and realize a week has passed and I have not checked my email or talked to another non-husband human being in that time.
Oh, and small schadenfreude update on chaos employee- she didn’t have a job until the state reopened, wasn’t eligible for unemployment during the shutdown apparently, her husband finally got the divorce he’s been pushing for for the past decade, and she had to sell her 5k$ sewing machine to be able to make the monthly payments on it. And when she came in to the store once it reopened, new manager had already been warned that she was banned from the premises.
But before she was chased out, she rambled on about how she thought the government was tracking her phone so she got a new one and didn’t back up any of her contacts, and she was hoping new manager would give her my number again because we’re “””best friends.””””””” Manager declined to assist.
CHAOS LADY DOESN’T HAVE MY NUMBER OR ADDRESS ANY MORE. :D
#moosemun#life update idk putting down feelings more than expecting people to read#also#i got a new phone bc mine was going on 6 years old and this new one can do social media apps!#which is why i am posting on tumblr again after a month or so of my old phone giving up on the tumblr app#i can also do twitter and discord again!#as soon as i remember what super secure passwords I have. fuck.#time to reset everything
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Road Trip : Punk!AU
Fandom: The Witcher
Pairing: Punk!Jaskier x Reader, Punk!Geralt x Punk!Yennefer
Word Count: 5,238
Rating: T
Taglist: @heroics-and-heartbreak @whatevermonkey @mynamesoundslikesherlock @magic-multicolored-miracle
a/n: Here is the long-awaited update to our series! It’s a big one but I hope you all enjoy it! Part V will be coming from @heroics-and-heartbreak sometime in the future so keep an eye out and let us know if you want to be added to the taglist!
Part IV – But Where’s Your Heart?
{Part I}{Part II}{Part III}
Something was very, very wrong.
Jaskier was sitting shotgun while Yennefer rode behind him next to Y/N. Aevryn and Win still sat in the far back but no one spoke much. Geralt had music playing from his phone but no one sang along. It seemed like a white noise intent on covering up the awkward silence but everyone knew better. No one was talking, though. Jaskier had tried to ask Geralt about it when they pulled over at a rest station but his trademark stoicism was back with a vengeance and he shrugged him off. He’d tried to talk with Aevryn who just plastered a smile on her face and when he broke through that she just told him to let it be. Yennefer approached him first, having watched him try and get answers from the others, and told him plainly to stay the fuck out of it.
“Shutting out your friends isn’t very punk rock of you, Yennefer!” he’d called at her retreating back. She flipped him off without so much as a glance back and Jaskier made up his mind.
“There,” he said, pointing to a spot on the map.
“What’s that?” Geralt asked.
“Chicago. We’re going to Chicago. We’ve been driving without so much as a World’s Biggest Yarn stop. I know it’s called a road trip but you are actually supposed to get out and see things once and a while,” Jaskier explained. Geralt rolled his eyes and shook his head.
“Aevryn, what do you think?” Jaskier asked, calling back to his friend who looked up from her phone with a startled expression. Yennefer didn’t turn to look at her, but Aevryn felt her gaze all the same.
“Sure, sounds good,” she said. Jaskier brightened a bit and turned to you.
“That’s one vote in favor, Y/N, I know you’re with me?” he asked.
“Of course!” you said quickly. You’d picked up on the odd vibe in the van and it had begun to pick at you, making you think about and face your own insecurities and doubts when you’d really wanted the trip be a fun, breezy distraction.
“That’s three, Win?” Jaskier asked, shooting her a charming smile.
“You know I’m up for a good time,” Win replied. Jaskier turned to Geralt holding up four fingers triumphantly.
“And when did this become a democracy exactly?” Geralt grumbled.
“Since I said so,” Jaskier retorted.
“Oh very democratic of you, don’t recall voting on that,” Geralt muttered.
“Think of it like this, Geralt. You all are Parliament but I am the Queen,” Jaskier replied giving the drummer a magnanimous grin.
“Infirm and needing to be overthrown as soon as possible?” Geralt retorted.
“Oh for fuck’s sake Geralt are you going to Chicago or not?” Yennefer snapped. You and Jaskier shared a wide-eyed look and then quickly looked away. Geralt stiffened in his seat and you thought the steering wheel may break in his grip. Another silence settled over the car but when the sign for the exit came, Geralt turned onto it without a word.
-----
“Navy Pier!” cried, arms thrown open wide as your little group stood at the entrance.
“Where’s the bean?” Aevryn asked, looking up from her phone where she’d googled Chicago just to try and remember which of the states that was.
“No bean here,” Win explained, threading her fingers through Aevryn’s, “Lots of other cool stuff though. My parents took me here when I was a kid. We gotta go on the swings.”
“Swings?” Aevryn asked, giving her a bemused look, “We have swings in England too.”
“Not that kinda swing, babe,” Win said with a little wink and then, a little pointedly, “You’ll have to put the phone down while we’re on it though.”
Yennefer looked intently out towards the ocean and you felt another thread of tension wend through the group. Aevryn and Win set off and you heard Win asking, “real quick, how do you feel about heights?” as they disappeared into the roaming crowd of tourists.
“Hey,” you said, turning to Jaskier, “I have an idea. How about we pair up and take on the park. Divide and conquer, you know?”
“Um,” Jaskier glanced at the group and then back at you, “I mean… yeah…”
“I’ll go with Yennefer!” you declared, a look of relief immediately coming over Jaskier’s face.
“Alright Geralt that leaves us!” he said, walking over to his friend who grunted in response. You took Yennefer’s arm and walked off with her, trying to decide what would be the perfect activity to do with the coolest person you’d ever met.
-----
Yennefer clutched the golden pole sticking out of the bright, teal dragon she sat on. You squeezed the center of the brown horse you sat on and held your arms up as you had when you were a little girl.
“Look!” you cried, pulling Yennefer’s attention to you, “No hands!”
She laughed, looking relaxed and happy for the first time in days. She shifted in her seat so she was sitting side-saddle, rising and falling as the carousal wound its way in a circle.
“Admit it, you thought it was gonna be lame but it’s really fun going back and doing the stuff from childhood,” you said with a smug grin.
“This is my first carousal ride actually,” she admitted.
“Oh… does England not have…?”
“Oh, they do,” she said with a laugh, “I just didn’t go out much. My foster parents weren’t big on trips.”
Your stomach flopped with the motion of the carousal horse and Yennefer saw you freeze in a way she was used to people doing when she let slip that she’d been a foster child.
“They weren’t abusive, they just had too many kids to wrangle to the fair and stuff. It wasn’t bad,” Yennefer insisted.
“That’s cool,” you said, nodding, uncertain what else to say.
“Also, I didn’t think this was going to be lame. You had me at ‘you can ride a dragon’,” she said with another smile that lit up the usually cool, impassive face.
“Hey,” you said, trying to sit side-saddle as well and nearly falling off the horse, “We don’t have to talk about it, but I just wanted to check in. Cuz things aren’t ok. And you should know that you can talk about it if you want. I won’t even tell Jask, swear on MCR’s entire discography.”
You said this with a solemn face, holding your hand up as though you were in court. Yennefer considered your words and you held your breath, wondering if she might actually confide in you.
“What would you do if Jaskier and you broke up?” she asked. You blinked, the words hitting you like a bucket of ice water and sinking deep down to the thoughts you’d been fighting against.
“Um. Well… cry?” you offered lamely.
“Would you still travel with him or would you go back home?” she probed.
“Well, I would probably go home. I mean, that’s gonna happen anyway, right? I still have school to finish and this isn’t… we haven’t really talked about what happens next,” your voice trailed away and your nails chipped at the golden paint of the pole you gripped a bit tighter.
“Oh shit, Y/N, I’m sorry that was a senseless question,” Yennefer apologized, jumping of off her dragon steed to walk over to you.
“You can’t do that!” a kid yelled behind her. Yennefer shot them a baleful glare then turned back to you.
“Hey,” she said, “You and Jask are great. Whatever you’re facing you’re going to do it together. It’s different for you. You… you really have something, you know? It’s not like… I mean… It’s not…”
Her voice trailed off as well and she held onto your horse, the swirling of the carousal suddenly hitting her as well. You took a deep breath and looked at Yennefer, a fierce determination in your eyes.
“Once this thing stops you wanna go eat just a fuckton of corn dogs?” you asked.
“What’s a corndog?” Yennefer asked. Your eyes widened and she grew nervous at the intensity in your eyes. Apparently she would be learning what a corndog was very, very soon.
-----
Geralt gripped the rock in his hands, muscles rippling beneath the loose, white tank top as he pulled himself higher. He was only halfway up but that still left him a good 12 feet above ground. He took a deep breath, a sense of relief flooding him as he rose above the pain and problems that awaited him back on earth.
“You’re doing great!” a voice called somewhere below him a good six feet, “Well done Geralt!”
Geralt peered over at Jaskier who gripped the piece of rock with white knuckles and frowned.
“Why did you do this, Jaskier? You hate heights,” Geralt called down.
“I do not! Well, I didn’t know that I did,” Jaskier amended, marveling at how relaxed Geralt seemed while hovering above the earth in a way humans were surely never intended to be. “Anyway it seemed like something you’d enjoy and I was right! Look at you! You almost look human!”
Geralt shook his head but Jaskier could see a hint of smirk in the corner of his lips. It spurred him to climb a bit higher, Geralt watching with concern that did not help Jaskier feel any better about things. When he was about eye-level with Geralt’s knee he paused and looked up into his friend’s amber eyes.
“Alright Geralt, talk to me,” he said between gasps.
“Was this your plan? Isolate me in the air and get me to talk?” Geralt asked, looking almost a bit proud.
“Well that’s one way of putting it. Another is that I would help my friend relax and hope he may open up to me a bit,” Jaskier replied. Geralt looked up to the top of the wall and back down at Jaskier, a dangerous smile on his face.
“If you can meet me up there, we’ll talk,” he said, and turned to start climbing, scaling the wall with a nearly inhuman nimbleness while Jaskier sputtered and then set his face, determined.
“Alright you bloody bastard I’ll show you that Julian Pankratz doesn’t back down from a challenge,” he mumbled. Geralt looked out across the pier, the cool breeze of the air blowing his hair back and cooling the sweat off his face a welcome balm. Somewhere out there, among the millions of people, Yennefer was walking around. He wondered if he looked right now he could find her, seemingly always drawn to her no matter how much they tried to pull away. His musings were interrupted by the sound of a familiar voice calling his name. He looked down and paled as he saw Jaskier gripping a rock much closer than he’d expected. He’d thought Jaskier would give up and head back down and Geralt would get more of his quiet contemplation. Instead his friend had apparently taken the challenge in earnest. It hadn’t felt like a long way to climb when it was just him but now that he saw Jaskier hovering over the earth it was a dizzying expanse and he quickly climbed down where Jaskier stood. He knew that his friend wasn’t weak by any means but his arms trembled, from exertion or fear he couldn’t tell.
“Jaskier,” Geralt said, gripping one of Jaskier’s arms.
“Oh hello Geralt I was just, uh, well I looked down which was deeply stupid of me and now I seem to be paralyzed,” Jaskier replied, a slightly manic smile on his face. His breathing was a bit shallow and Geralt locked eyes, amber seeking sky blue.
“Jaskier, the only way at this point is up. I’m going to get you there,” Geralt said, speaking slowly.
“Cool cool cool brilliant but the part where I’m paralyzed, Geralt, what of that?” Jaskier asked.
“Just stay focused on me, alright? Take some deep breaths with me.”
Geralt helped Jaskier slowly deepen his breathing and once that was done he began to talk to him about random things, trying to distract him.
“So, is the road trip everything you’d hoped?” Geralt asked.
“Well it was before everyone got so weird,” Jaskier said, pinning Geralt with a meaningful look.
“Hmm,” Geralt replied.
“I’ll make a deal with you Geralt,” Jaskier suggested, the sly tone in his voice making Geralt very suspicious, “I will climb a bit more with each answer you give me.”
“That’s extortion,” Geralt argued.
“Are you in a position to barter?” Jaskier asked.
“Are you?” Geralt bit back.
“C’mon, Geralt, we both know you’re hating this more than I am. And that’s saying something because gods knows I’m hating this with every fiber of my being,” Jaskier argued. Geralt took a deep breath and nodded tersely.
“But I have the right to refuse the question,” he said. Jaskier nodded in agreement and thought about what to ask, not wanting to shut him down by asking the bigger questions too quickly.
“What do you think of Y/N?” he asked. Geralt blinked in surprise, relieved to have an easy question.
“I like her,” he replied, “She doesn’t suffer your bullshit but she’s also good to you. She fits in with the band well.”
“I like her too, a lot,” Jaskier said, a dreamy smile coming over his face. Geralt looked pointedly at Jaskier who remembered his side of the deal and took a few tentative steps, Geralt watching him carefully though he knew that he was strapped in a harness that would prevent any lasting damage if he fell.
“Who’s a better musician? Me or Valdo Marx?” Jaskier asked, his tone fierce and his blue eyes steely.
“You,” Geralt answered quickly, “Where the fuck did that come from?”
“Just checking,” Jaskier answered, seemingly distracted by his anger at Valdo as he progressed up the wall farther than Geralt had expected, stopping a few feet from the top.
“What is one thing we haven’t done on this road trip that you want to do?” he asked. Geralt furrowed his brow, thinking over the question. He only really wanted one thing anymore and he couldn’t have it. All other things felt small in comparison.
“I want to put my feet in the ocean,” Geralt said, trying to figure out a thing that may be nice. Jaskier’s face lit up and he crossed the last bit of wall, sitting next to Geralt at the top.
“I can do that, Geralt!” he said excitedly, “We can go right after this!”
“Jaskier you did it!” Geralt said. Jaskier looked around, suddenly realizing that he was no longer clutching the side of the wall. He took in the beautiful view and exhaled slowly.
“Well I guess I did,” he said offhandedly before turning back to Geralt, “Seems I have one last question.”
Geralt ran a hand through the silver hair he’d tied up in a bun, pulling some strands out as he did.
“Geralt, what is going on between you and Yennefer? I don’t need gross details, but I want to know what’s happening,” Jaskier implored. Geralt knew it was coming but it didn’t make hearing the question any easier. Jaskier waited patiently, hands in his lap as he left his friend the silence he needed to ponder his answer.
“I proposed,” Geralt said. Jaskier’s eyes widened.
“Oh that’s – Oh, ah,” he said, is excitement shifting to pained sympathy as he realized that it must not have gone well.
“Last year,” Geralt added.
“What?”
“Yeah,” Geralt nodded and sighed deeply.
“And she…”
“Said no.”
“Right.”
The two men stared out at the pier as Jaskier chewed over the words in his mind, trying to decide what to say next.
“Geralt, why didn’t you tell me?”
“What? Oh hey Jaskier, I asked Yen to marry me, she said no and also broke up with me,” Geralt said sarcastically.
“Yes, sure, why not? We’re friends, Geralt, friends share these things,” Jaskier argued.
“I guess I’m not really sure how this all works yet,” Geralt mumbled.
“What, friendship?”
Geralt didn’t answer but Jaskier understood his silence.
“Well… fuck her, right?” Jaskier asked, trying to sound confident in his declaration. Geralt glared at him.
“It’s not her fault,” Geralt said, “I’m not mad at her. Well, I am. But I’m also not. It would be easier if I was just angry.”
“How have you worked together so well? I mean there’s been fights and awkwardness, sure, but you both still show up,” Jaskier said.
“Of course we show up,” Geralt replied, “We’re not going to abandon you, Jaskier.”
Jaskier laughed and blinked back the tears that the words brought to his eyes. Geralt glanced at him and then quickly looked away.
“So, uh, where does that leave you now? I mean is there any chance that you’ll… I dunno. What do you want?” Jaskier asked once he’d composed himself. Geralt closed his eyes, remembering the feeling of her skin, still able to conjure her sweet scent and the sound of her voice in his ear. She was always with him and somehow never fully there.
“It doesn’t matter what I want,” Geralt said, “Not if she doesn’t want the same things. And she doesn’t.”
“Well that’s… balls,” Jaskier finished lamely.
“Yeah, it is,” Geralt agreed. They shared a sad smile and looked out onto the pier where Jaskier’s eyes fell on something that made him sneer.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” he bit out.
“What?”
Jaskier pointed to a billboard in the distance. It was a black board with two initials in emerald green: VM. Below it was a date 07.31.21.
“Ugh, I almost forgot he was releasing an album. I don’t like it, Geralt. Its smug aura mocks me,” Jaskier complained. Geralt chuckled at his friend’s vehemence but shared his dislike for the advertisement.
“Well that’s ruined this air, how do we get off this damn thing,” Jaskier grumbled and Geralt moved quickly to help his friend over to where they could begin their descent, moving away from the all-seeing eyes of Valdo Marx.
-----
Aevryn screamed.
The world spun below her, legs dangling in the air as she was thrown around in a large, yawning arc and she screamed louder than she had in her entire life. She screamed out of sheer exhilaration at the weightlessness and adrenaline pumping through her veins. She screamed for the frustration she felt at Yennefer and herself and Valdo and nearly everyone in her life. Most of all she screamed because it felt like the only thing she could do right now that wouldn’t cause someone pain. When the ride slowed she tilted her head back and closer her eyes, bidding farewell to the reprieve she felt from her problems. Once reunited out of the ride gates Win pulled her into a hug.
“Are you ok?” she asked.
“Yeah that was great! Why?” Aevryn asked.
“You just screamed a lot I was worried you’d been trying to look brave for me when you agreed to ride it,” Win replied. Aevryn planted a soft kiss on Win’s cheek and looked into her eyes.
“You’re so sweet,” she said. She knew it wasn’t fair to compare Valdo to anyone but she had to admit it was clear between him and Win who was kinder. Then again, it wasn’t about Win or Valdo, really. It wasn’t a competition. That’s not how love worked. Aevryn slid her hand in Win’s and walked her over to a bench that looked out onto the ocean, steeling herself to have a conversation she hadn’t been expecting to have until the end of the tour. As soon as they sat down Aevryn’s phone vibrated in her pocket but she forced herself to leave it alone. Win looked into Aevryn’s sea green eyes and pulled her in for a kiss, cupping her face as she pulled back to look her in the eyes again.
“I release you,” Win said dramatically.
“What?” Aevryn asked.
“Aev I know what’s about to happen,” Win replied with a little smile, “I’m not dumb. I know that the ex is in the picture.”
“It’s not that s-”
“Babe,” Win said, giving her a look that halted Aevryn’s attempt at an explanation, “It’s ok. We knew what this was when we entered it and while you’re an amazing woman, I’m gonna be ok.”
Aevryn worried her lip between her teeth as she considered what Win said, wondering if anything really could be this easy.
“Are you sure?” Aevryn asked. Win nodded and patted her knee.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Win asked, nodding to the phone in Aevryn’s pocket.
“Not really,” Aevryn answered, though a part of her desperately did. She didn’t have Yennefer to talk to anymore and while she trusted you, she was afraid Jaskier would somehow find out. The fewer people who knew the better.
“Ok,” Win said, “Then we won’t. But the offer stands.”
“You’re a really good friend,” Aevryn said sincerely, heart filling with gratitude. Everything felt out of control but Win remained the eye of the storm, a calm reprieve amidst the chaos.
“I really am,” Win emphasized with a playful smile that made Aevryn laugh. “Did we make plans to meet up with the others?”
“Uh I don’t think so, let me see if Jask texted about it,” Aevryn said, pulling out her phone.
@valdomarxofficial: My new album is coming out tomorrow. I hope you’ll listen to it, even if your music tastes have changed.
Aevryn sighed and Win pulled out her phone to text you about plans instead as her friend typed back.
@aeverona: just bc Im with vicious mockery doesn’t mean I hate your music, Valdo. Ive always loved it. That hasnt changed.
“We’re meeting up at the Ferris Wheel,” Win said.
“What?” Aevryn asked, looking up at her. Win smiled and shook her head.
“C’mon,” she said, standing up and holding out her hand for Aevryn’s. Aevryn let Win lead her through the crowd, trying to pretend the buzzing of her phone didn’t send a jolt through her heart as she made herself leave it alone as they made their way to the looming Ferris Wheel.
-----
You and Yennefer arrived at Wheel first, Yennefer holding an untouched corndog. Two hands covered your eyes and you could smell the telltale cedar that followed your boyfriend around.
“Guess who,” he sang into your ear.
“Geralt we have to stop meeting like this,” you joked. Jaskier swatted your ass and pulled you around to face him, pulling you in for a kiss. Geralt walked up, the flannel he’d tied around his waist to climb back on his shoulders as the evening air cooled. Sunset began to creep across the sky and it was lovely. It also escaped Geralt’s notice completely as Yennefer walked up to him and thrust out the corndog.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“It’s a corndog,” she said, holding it out like an olive branch.
“What do you… do with it?” he asked. She smirked at his confusion as though she hadn’t asked you the exact same question when you’d handed one to her.
“You eat it,” she said. He shrugged and took it from her hands, fingertips brushing against each other’s in the briefest caress, and took a large bite. He chewed for a bit, face ponderous for a moment.
“If nobbad,” he mumbled through a mouthful of cornbread and hotdog. Yennefer chuckled and Geralt softened, happy for a reprieve from the tension though he knew it was only a matter of time before it was back.
Jaskier pressed his forehead against yours, nose brushing against yours.
“I missed you,” he said, sky blue eyes gazing into yours.
“I missed you too,” you said, tilting your head up to plant another soft kiss on his lips.
“I have a plan for some alone time but we’re going to have to engage in a little celebrity pandering,” Jaskier said.
“I don’t care if you have to buy the whole park to do it, I want some time with you. But I mean. Don’t actually do that,” you said. He smiled and kissed you again, taking your hand in his and walking over to where Aevryn and Win now caught up with Yennefer and Geralt.
“Alright gang, I hope you’ve all had a wonderful day, I nearly died no fewer than 27 times as Geralt will attest-”
“He was perfectly safe.”
“As I was saying, I am a hero among men and I have missed you all but not as much as I’ve missed Y/N so I am going to do the thing we always promised each other we wouldn’t do unless there was a dire need,” Jaskier announced dramatically. You and Win exchanged confused looks while Yennefer, Geralt, and Aevryn exchanged judgmental ones.
“I am going to name drop,” Jaskier said. “I am going to offer a selfie, I am going to offer a review, I am going to whore myself and in turn all of us out for a shot at getting one of those brilliant blue buckets for Y/N and I to share alone.”
“Just go fuck in the porta potty like a normal person,” Win said, rolling her eyes.
“Bro,” you said, sound betrayed. Win just shrugged but shot you an amused smile.
“You realize once we’ve done that it’s going to be a madhouse,” Yennefer argued.
“I do,” he agreed, “But we will sneak out and run away. After I sign a few autographs. Maybe take a few selfies. Agree to host a few karaoke parties…”
“Jaskier!” Aevryn cried.
“Kidding!” he argued, though you could tell he wasn’t. “Anyway, I felt it was only fair to warn you before I go do this. I will try and keep you out of it if possible but all’s fair in love and war and at a carnival, you’ve got a bit of both. Ooh that could be a lyric maybe…”
He walked off with you before anyone could protest further. It turned out to be much easier than he anticipated. The operator of the ride knew him on sight and was thrilled at his offer of a selfie as well as a generous tip. The next bucket came down and the two of you climbed on, trying not to feel bad about the people left waiting in line. Jaskier wrapped an arm around you and snuggled in close, holding your head against his chest as the bucket slowly rose in the air.
“Wait, you hate heights!” you said, sitting up so suddenly you nearly gave him a black eye.
“Oh I’ve conquered that fear today,” he said casually, wrapping an arm around you again, “Speaking of, what did you and Yen get up to today? Any new piercings I should be warned about?”
He peered at your waistband and you shoved him playfully.
“No! We rode the carousal,” you replied.
“Really? Oh man what I wouldn’t give for a photo of that,” he mused.
“It was actually really nice. We just talked,” you said and then your heart sank as you remembered what you’d talked about. Jaskier sensed your mood drop, pale blue eyes lined with kohl giving you a meaningful look. You took a deep breath and shifted to face him.
“Jaskier I…”
“I love you.”
Jaskier blurted out the words that sat between the two of you, lingering in the air like the sweet scent of cotton candy and salty tang of the ocean.
“Oh,” you said, uncertain what else to say. Well, you knew what you wanted to say, but it wasn’t that easy.
“It’s ok,” he said, “I mean, say what you need to say I just… needed you to know that.”
He looked down and his hands, still holding one of yours, and you lifted a hand to cup his face. He leaned into it, pressing a kiss into your palm, the soft, chestnut hair brushing against your fingertips.
“I love you too,” you said, because it was true, regardless of the unanswered questions. His eyes rose to yours and saw a mix of fear and relief.
“I feel like people are usually happy when they confess their love for each other but… you don’t look happy. What is it, love?” he asked, the endearment hitting you harder now that the full weight of the word stood behind it.
“I love you so much,” you said, fighting back tears, “But… Jaskier what happens next?”
Jaskier took a deep breath and looked down.
“We keep saying we’ll deal with it later but we’re running out of later, Jask. Summer’s almost over and I’m scared… I’m scared that this is just going to… I don’t know. I’m not sure,” you mumbled.
“Yes you do,” he said, looking back up at you, “You’re scared that you’ll go back to school and I’ll go back to LA and we’ll try and keep in touch and visit but it’ll peter out.”
“Yes,” you admitted, “That’s exactly what I’m scared about. And there’s really no way around it because you have your life and I have mine and I’m not going to give up school.”
“Y/N I would never let you do that. I’d never support the choice, anyway, not for me,” Jaskier insisted, “But I’ve been thinking about it and I have an idea. It wouldn’t mean no time apart and it wouldn’t mean that our lives wouldn’t still be busy but… I’m willing to do what it takes, Y/N.”
“What’s your idea?” you asked, wiping away the tears that had fallen despite your best efforts, smearing your eyeliner in a way that you were sure was ghastly but Jaskier’s eyes remained just as filled with love and adoration no matter how much of a raccoon you became.
“Seattle’s a pretty big city. A lot of great opportunities for musicians there,” he said. Your eyes widened as you realized what he was saying.
“Jaskier you can’t just up and move,” you cried.
“I can, though! That’s the thing about being rich, you can literally do whatever you want pretty much. It’s actually a bit terrifying. And I know what you’re going to say and yes, I’ve talked with the band. And I talked with Andrzej when I first had the thought and he said it’s possible. But I want to respect your space as well. So if this is something that would be too much or you don’t want me that cl-”
You cut off Jaskier’s words with a kiss, pressing yourself as close as possible. He deepened the kiss, tongue sliding between your lips as you nipped at his bottom lip. When you pulled back for a breath he kept his forehead resting against yours.
“I want you as close as I can get you,” you said, “I don’t care how creepy that sounds, it’s true.”
“Gods I love you,” he murmured.
“I love you too.”
“I love how that sounds,” he said with a little laugh, “I love love.”
“Ok we’re getting gross we have to pull it back,” you said. He nodded in agreement and settled on kissing you again and again. Outside the bucket the world rose and fell, the sun waned and the tides turned and a thousand questions and choices and uncertainties waited for all of you. But in that little bucket, Jaskier in your arms, you knew deep in your bones that you would find a way through.
#Road Trip:Punk!AU#Punk!Jaskier#Punk!Geralt#Punk!Yennefer#Punk!Jaskier x Reader#Punk!Geralt x Punk!Yennefer#Vicious Mockery#Vicious Mockery AU#The WItcher AU
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
Communication of Silence - Chapter 10
Sorry for the late update.
The next chap is safe but the one after might have a delay. I will update you. The current situation is causing me a lot of work and issues, so it is struggle time.
Everyone be safe and treat yourself and others with kindness♥
ao3 link!
story under the cut.
The door leaned into its frame and lazily stuck around.
Dee leaned down to give Virgil’s forehead one last kiss.
“Be safe. Drive, like, slow or whatever... d-don’t get hurt, okay?”
She laughed.
She was even more beautiful whenever she laughed.
“I will be safe and sound. And you will be too. You will go to therapy tomorrow or on Tuesday - otherwise I will cancel.”
Virgil commented with a scoff and significant eyeroll.
“Who are you? My sibling?”
Dee’s deer brown eyes gained another layer of depth and the emo could not help but sigh in defeat. He could feel her
“Good night, my love. Take care of Patton.”
Virgil stepped back to support the door in being so close to home and so far from the beauty leaving their proximity.
“Good night, Dee. Love you. I know.. I will.”
She smiled at him and disappeared down the staircase, hat covering her head and coat making sure that not too much of her handsome self would be unleashed onto this world all at once.
He went back inside and told Patton goodnight.
Just thinking about the ginger made Virgil hurt inside.
This while weekend had been a whole mess of ups and downs.
Not eating again, passing out on physical exercise and seeing his precious rat and older sibling again.
And having Dee meet the others just felt like the weirdest blur ever.
All in all, it felt.. not that bad.
Well, that was for hid diary to decide.
He just had to sit down and list all the happy things he had done today and how much he liked. His pages would soak it up and he could make a recap of the week.
In a few days, he would be old enough to drink alcohol, legally.
It was wild.
Just last year, his life was in shatters and he had tried putting it back together and now he was in a rather stable home and he had a person who respected him and family and friends and even a place where he could study.
Life really did get better.. somehow..
That was nice to know.
He smiled when he got back into his and Logan’s shared room.
“That was certainly something, today”
Logan greeted him with a voice, more neutral than Switzerland. Even his face looked absolutely untouched, for a sculptor to be sculpted.
The emo cleared his throat and trotted over to his mattress, losing more and more clothing as he progressed.
He was comfortable with taking his jacket off around Logan - or his hoodie in that case.
The hoodie landed on the mattress first and Virgil groaned as he simply threw himself onto the mattress, shirt coming off and pants half-way following as he lazily wiggled around.
His legs’ movement slowly died down and he commented on it with yet another groan.
“If you mean something, as in a fuckton of bullshit and feelings, then yeah - you are right.”
His words came out like spit. It was sudden, forceful and in front of a certain amount of emotions.
A sigh escaped his lips and Logan turned to him, glancing over his roommate’s laying form.
There was something about Virgil in only shorts.
Logan could see colourful as much as black ink .
When Virgil drew his hand through his hair, he blinked.
“Another tattoo? I did not see this one before.”
The emo curled up and pulled at the clothed he had just shed, forming a little pile of them.
“Yeah, uh... I ..um”, he started but broke off.
The words were too stubborn to work for him so he simply swung his body back into a sitting position and let his right arm stretch over the edge of Logan’s bed.
“There you go. If you wanted to see it. I got it this weekend so you could not have seen it before..”, he trailed off and looked at Logan who was adjusting his chair to face Virgil’s body.
He could look at the other without twisting his back in any awkward way, now.
He could see an arrow, several symbols and words connected by strings and colours.
It mostly looked monochromatic but the emphasis was made with certain accents of different shades of colour from the rainbow.
Enticing.
Logan did enjoy examining tattoos. He found the patterns to be calming and it was fascinating to see what kind of decoration people paid to embed in their skin.
The meanings.. oh, they were also a good point - considering someone had a deeper motivation behind getting certain motifs.
“May I ask what this.. foil is?”
Indeed, as Logan pointed it out, there was some sort of invisible foil strapped over the new design.
“Ah, yeah. They give you that as protection for the tattoo. It is so the open wound created can, like, heal up without anything getting into it. Others might just instruct you to put some stuff onto it every time the skin is dry. Like, they give you special tattoo lotion that is sort of anti-bacterial or whatever. But with this weird foil uh.. or whatever you wanna call it, you just leave it on and then moisturise three times a day. You keep it on for.. two weeks, I think. Yeah, I think it was one or two. “
Virgil blinked.
“I forgot but I put a reminder in my phone so I will not miss it. I just keep forgetting these kidna things, every now and then.”
He shrugged.
Logan nodded.
The invisible patch reminded him of water-proof band-aids. Considering the looks of it, they probably served as something like this.
He had never known about any of these techniques.
Virgil smiled at the nerd.
His lips hung a bit low despite being curled like a melon slice.
“Why did you .. I mean, why do you get all these tattoos? Do they mean anything to you or is it just for the aesthetics?”
The other snorted and leaned back onto his bed.
“You are funny Logan. You really are.”
His voice seemed to purr and his words were dancing into Logan’s ears. Sounds were swinging and the fierce smile of his friend was sensually sprawling over the elder student’s vision.
He cleared his throat.
“Anyway, this is some kinda sibling bullshit thing. I have been meaning to do that for a while already and finally got to it.”
Virgil looked down at his arm and played with his dirty laundry.
Just... pushing at his hoodie.
Hey, that one was actually good to wear again at least one or two more times. Hoodies were so hard on catching smells that he loved them even more.
They were the kind of low maintenance clothing he needed in his life.
“I only recently finished the sketch for it so my sibling went ahead and got it this weekend. I got it the day after so we could go and be there for one another..”, he licked his lips, “you know, sibling shit and all. I kinda fell asleep when I got mine. The vibrations are sort of relaxing and the sound is soothing.”
Logan chuckled.
“I never heard of that.”
The other got up and put on his hoodie again, no shirt for underneath. His boxers got changed and he put his dirty laundry into the nearby basket.
“Hey Virgil?”
A hum could be heard.
The man was fishing inside of his sleepover bag and eventually got out a book.
“Do you sleep enough?”
The words fell onto the ground like a judge’s gavel hitting the desk.
“uh... where did that come from?”
He laid down but made sure to glance over at Logan.
All he could see was his back since the other was sitting at his desk, writing away as if he was not just starting up some conversation between them with this particularly hot topic.
“Where did that evasion come from?”
Oof.
Gotcha.
“I swear to the stars, Logan, you are a treat.”
Virgil chuckled and the IT student put his pen aside.
“You are awake, no matter when I wake up. You fall asleep in weird places, at odd times. I saw you doze off at work - now even at a tattoo parlor when enduring pain? You stated looking paler and more stressed these days and even your eye rings appear to be much darker than I observed before. Therefore, I concluded you might lack sleep.”
Virgil scoffed at him but did not dare deny his words.
It was true.. not that it was that hard to make out just how sleep-deprived he was but Logan really hit the nail.
“However, you seem more refreshed when you visited your friends or your sibling. I assume you sleep together?”
Virgil started scribbling into his stupid diary update therapy shit book thing.
Nerdy, yeah..
Still, it kinda helped him so he did not complain. He actually kinda dug the book and enjoyed writing into it.
It was empowering to see the good happening in his life or just writing down some shit he felt bad about so he could find out how and why he was more anxious in certain times.
He hummed.
“I uh.. don’t take it personal but.. I just can’t relax here. I .. I am.. It is not because of you.”
Fuck, he sounded like some cliche guy breaking up with someone.
“Uh, I mean.. This is my problem. I am just stupidly anxio- I mean.. I am anxious a lot and it is hard to sleep and shit but it is okay.”
He bit his lips.
...self-deprecation was high again.. He put a 6 on his one to ten scale.
“It happens or whatever. It is not like I am the only person to ever have sleeping problems or whatever.”
His shoulders shrugged.
Meanwhile, Logan noted down Virgil’s response.
“Fellow lover of Bunny Smashskull, would you fancy sleeping in the bed with me?”
Virgil’s mind stopped for a moment.
Tha..there was more than a bit of information packed into this short sentence.
He.. uh..
“I- what?”
He blinked and Logan opened his mouth again to start speaking but Virgil rose his hand, eyes hardening.
“What do you mean with that sleep thing?”
His whole body seemed to resemble a cat arching its back. If he had a tail, it would be all fluffy and big, every hair on his body would probably stand up like crazy.
Logan’s brows furrowed together.
He had expected his friend to reacted with a bit more confusion and less... whatever this was. But his words suggested that if Logan did not take careful steps, he would make his friend leave.
He already sounded as if he was halfway out of the door.
Virgil had a place he had never mentioned before... now that he thought about it, it felt as if he had stopped talking about himself at all ever since he had moved in. Safe for some moments, they had barely talked at all because he was just staying away a lot.
Was Virgil avoiding him?
“Virgil, not sleeping is very unhealthy and while I am not your caretaker, I am your friend. As a friend I am expressing my concern for your health as a lack of can increase the risk of many diseases and illnesses to break out - mental and physical ones alike. I noticed you falling asleep with me on the couch despite the amount of people around us, so I suspected that bodily warmth next to you might be beneficial for your sleeping cycle.”
The emo looked at the nerd, his shoulders immediately dropping to a regular position. The cat fur was smooth and nice again.
He looked so small and tired.
Not once have the dark circles looked as miserable as during this moment.
“You are.. worried?”
The words came out in a rather silent whisper. The short sentence was once step before the other in a house with loud and squeaky wood planks when you were awake at night and needed a snack but did not want to wake up your relatives.
The emphasis on the last word made Logan question whether Virgil doubted him that much or rather his own worth.
Both sounded bad.
“Of course I am worried. Again, I am your friend and I want you to be well - as much as you can be. If sleeping together in a bed is out of your comfort zone, I would agree to you letting your friends sleep over if you keep it to a reasonable volume.”
Virgil’s eyes blinked rapidly.
Logan fucking hated people in his space. When Patton as much as nudged the open door further open, the student of computer sciences would get all cranky.
Well, okay maybe he did not hate people but he did value his personal space and he took it very serious.
Once Roman wanted to put his part of the laundry into Logan’s room and loudly announced at as he did so and Logan immediately rushed over and gave the other a more than hefty talk on respecting his boundaries, commenting on how he could have just dropped it in front of his room’s door.
He had said much more than that and Roman had eventually backed away and muttered something under his breath.
Those things made Virgil wonder how and why Logan of all people lived with a person such as Roman but...
His face turned sour again and his chest hurt.
He let out a whine but quickly formed it into a groan.
“Ugh, whatever. We can sleep together and test your hypotheses or whatever, nerd. If that lets you leave me alone”
His lips pulled into the top corner of one side.
Logan knew he did that in instances when Virgil did not feel upset at all. It was more an action of deliberation or rather uplifting feelings.
He needed to observe it further but he had found a connection between Virgil’s feelings and his lips pulling into a downward curve.
“You would help me with my science project?”
The words tickled Virgil’s nose and he had to smile away the weird feeling in his stomach.
“Yeah, because we are friends and shit. Like, I care about you and stuff. But just because I had fucking biscuits and they gave me a really good mood.”
Logan snickered and turned his attention back to his writing for a bit. It did not last for too long despite Virgil continuing his scribbles and whatnot himself. Eventually, the smaller student put his pen aside and closed his notebook.
“Wait a moment. You fucking know Bunny Smashskull? I am awake, this is not a dream and you asked me about the band, right?”
He sat up properly and put his notebook aside.
For now, his thoughts were too wild to focus again. His fight or flight reflexes had taken over too much of his logical reasoning once more.
Logan was still writing, from as much as Virgil could judge.
Really, he could just see his back so there was not too much telling but his arm seemed to flinch a bit every now and then.
“Log you fucking nerd, answer the question -”
A smug smile stole itself onto his lips and he got up from his mattress to sit on the one-time-their bed. His notebook was cradled in his lap, just in case.
The roommate shrugged.
“So what if I did?”
Virgil inhaled audibly.
“Shut up, you do not - “, he started but paused mid-sentence, words stuck in his mind as he realised what he had said and heard so far. His voice dropped from a grand revelation in announcement volume to a low one in the regular fashion of discussing a secret between thieves.
“Holy shit, you do!”
Logan back flexed but he did not speak.
Instead, he kept writing slowly, neatly for a bit longer.
Virgil was tempted to walk over and look at his notes.. or to just put his hands on his shoulders and annoy him a bit but he did not know what Logan was writing.
He did not really want to know, really. Curiosity wanted to know for the sake of finding out whatever he did not know.
“Log, fucking talk to me and talk to my face, you hear me? This is wild! I never took you for the type to rock it.”
The nerd slowly turned around.
“You never took me for the type? Very well, I was aware of my ability to hide away my interests but I did not expect myself to be that good.”
He was tugging at his shirt as if to adjust a bowtie or a necktie. Something fancy and serious like the stuff people in suit would wear.
Come to think of it, Dee did this every now and then.
Virgil leaned in.
It was time to bond and shit.
“Your secret is safe with me, log. I promise.”
Virgil shifted on the bed and patted a spot next to him.
His friend took the hint and put his notebooks (multiple notebooks, alright, nerdy nerd) to their respective places.
And Logan damn made sure to took his sweet sweet time with it.
“What’s your favourite song?”, he whisper-screamed to his friend.
Their shoulders were touching and Virgil felt fuzzy in his mind.
He giggled.
This felt like a silly sleepover already and it seemed funny to him.
Logan smiled and pulled his phone out.
“My favourite songs is “Laws and bones break better than hearts” but I am biased”, he tapped a few icons on his phone and handed it over to Virgil for him to see a younger version of Logan.
The younger one was still absurdly tall, still smaller than Patton - younger Patton - who was next to him. They were wearing black shirts with the band logo in front of it.
A crowd of people was behind them and Logan’s cheeks were red from heat and sweat but he was smiling and he looked breathless.
Breathtaking, even.
“You are biased because you went to a concert, you fucking traitor!”, Virgil exclaimed and nudged Logan’s side, “Can I swipe?”
Logan agreed and he continued to go through the collection of pictures.
Hair disheveled and shirt too big, he was pressed against Patton and smiling into the camera.
He barely got to see Logan so off-guard but it was.. refreshing.
It was much nicer than seeing him wear ties at work and keep going through flashcards before lessons so he could make a better impression or whatever.
He barely knew Logan’s lips could do something as ambitious as smile so brightly.
“You look really happy, Log..”
He had reached the end of pictures.
It was Logan just hugging Patton close.
“I got the tickets back there”, he explained as he took his phone back, “Patton knows nothing about any bands I like nor does he understand how I enjoy this sort of music. He just went ahead and asked random online strangers about which bands to recommend because he wanted to make my 18th birthday really special.”
Logan’s lips formed the same alluring smile.
It was softer than feathers and lighter than wings.
He really seemed like a divine creature with his face smiling like that.
“Looks like he got that right. I am in groups a lot and it is not that uncommon for people to ask for advice on new songs and artists but seeing a completely clueless person just join for a friend? That is wild. But it does sound like a thing Patton would do.”
Virgil leaned back, his arms crossing behind the back of his head. He folded his hands over one another in his neck.
“You giants are too friendly. Can’t relate.”
His smirk was teasing.
Logan got up and got the shirt.
“I will sleep in this. I want to sleep in it.”
Virgil chuckled.
“You’re the boss, Log. I am not gonna fight you over a night shirt.”
The nerd changed into his band merchandise and Virgil moved over to lay on his side and finish his journaling thing.
“Diary?”
He shook his head.
The bed dipped next to him and the blanket started moving.
Virgil grunted back at the movement but a few more tugs had him move over so the blanket could be on top of them rather than on the bed only.
“Journal thing for therapy. Sucks but it is also kinda helpful so I am trying to stick to it ‘n all.”
He shrugged.
“My favourite song is “poison”, by the way. Fucking underrated.”
Logan laid down next to him and put his glasses aside.
“It is a good song indeed”
Virgil hummed.
“ m done”
He dropped pen and book onto his mattress.
“uh.. let us try this.. this sleep thingy and all. Can’t go wrong, right?”
His shoulders shrugged and he slid under the blanket with his friend. The smaller figure felt like a plank himself.
Virgil flinched and got up as soon as his whole body was in a sleeping position.
“Fuck!”, he hissed and toppled after his notebook, “the light. Log, we are fucking stupid in the chilis tonight.”
Logan huffed.
“It is too late for memes, Virgil.”
Virgil walked around to shut the light and slowly stumbled back to bed.
“You can pull memes from my cold, dead hands, pocket protector. It is always meme time but night time is even more intense meme time.”
“But to be fair, at least because of me you know that this is a meme”
The blanket rustled from Logan’s body vibrating in his quiet chuckles.
“You sending me confusing pictures and sentences during working hours is not educational.”
Virgil settled in bed and curled up.
“But I might have learned from it anyway, Virg.”
It was his turn to chuckle and the emo made sure to get comfortable with his pillow from the mattress quickly being moved up to assist him.
And his blanket.
He still shared the blanket Logan was using but the more blanket, the better. Sleepy time was the perfect time to be warm and comfortable after all.
They laid still for a bit. It was quiet and sleepy.
Outside, Roman could be heard. He was talking, probably to Patton but it was too far away to make out any words at all.
It was just Roman-ish noises.
Roman was probably offended about something at work and needed to harass Patton about it even though that man was busy too and had worries too. Oh dear fuck, he really did.
Virgil wanted to just walk out and pull Patton into the happy slumber bed with him and Logan instead of letting him subject himself to Roman’s offended princey noises.
Ugh...
But it was like nine in the evening and Patton would work on his study stuff before actually going to sleep. And Roman would just fuss around.
...It was already special enough Logan allowed Virgil to sleep in his bed after all they had talked about, after all he had been through.
For some reason, he felt a bit ashamed to be in the same bed with him, to intrude so much but he quickly banished the thought.
Logan did not force himself to let Virgil into his bed. He had asked him and he was being upright about it and had napped with him before, on the same day even so.
“Virgil?”
The emo shifted a bit, his movements intentionally slow and uncoordinated.
He might not have been the best actor in the world but he knew how to pretend being asleep or waking up jut then and there. Years of training had taught him well.
Sometimes, experience was a much better teacher than getting a license and some degree.
“mhm..?”
His sounds were haphazard and sounded just silent, muffled and hidden enough to mimic the innocence of a person who was slowly detaching from the promising and sweet dreams of their mighty sleep.
“Do you hate it here?”
Virgil shifted more to the edge.
If he had to leap, he would.
“What do you mean? I thought you wanted to sleep, not start a conversation.”
He heard someone clear his throat.
Outside of their room, Roman was laughing and Virgil flinched.
A shiver ran down his spine. He pressed his eyes closed and held onto his sleeves.
“You are not sleeping, let me talk to you.”
He sat up and put on the lamp on the nearby nightstand.
Only Logan was enough of a person to have a night light with fancy nice light that did not hurt the tired eyes too much.
Coloured light was the only valid thing to ever exist for waking one up in the middle of the night.
Virgil scoffed but followed his friend’s lead to sit up and whatnot.
Leaning against the wall behind him, he rubbed his eyes.
“ugh, whatever”, he mumbled and tugged the blanket closer around him. Even then, he did not stop tugging and nudging the ends of it with his fidgety fingers, “what do you want, Log?”
He sounded as if on trial for murdering a man and his hands were still pushing the murder weapon from one bloodied hand to the other.
Logan meekly watched him, without glasses and only a bare minimum of light, it was difficult to make out what Virgil was doing or what he looked like.
“Okay, okay. You go give me the talk, teach. What did I do?”
The smaller student’s hand was hanging low and his fingers were fidgeting still as they resided in his lap.
Logan swallowed dry before he decided to answer.
“You did not do anything, Virgil, please do not take my worries or my curiosity as offence. I was just wondering why you were so uncomfortable here.”
The words easily made their way out of Logan’s mouth but for Virgil, they were less like releasing feathers to the wind and just watching them flow. It was pushing the big and heavy rock up the hill instead of Sisyphus and the chore was bound to never stop.
The shivers gave him goosebumps so bad he pulled his knees to his chest to preserve body warmth.
“Who said I am?”
Virgil was the still holding onto the metaphorical knife but it was so much easier to keep telling himself it was not him as he nodded his head as if to shake off the truth.
If he just denied the reality hard enough, maybe he could do it.
“Virgil, please. It is obvious. Do you want me to point out every moment you made it clear you dislike being here? Only today you gave me so many pieces of evidence.”
The friend exhaled.
His breath was a bit rocky.
Logan’s words truly had a punching effect on him.
“If I say it, will you let me promise me to let it go and just move on already?”
Virgil glared at him, eyes barely focusing on the man before him.
Even with the near-complete darkness they were in, Virgil could see Logan through his heavy bangs shielding his vulnerable face from the knowledgeable judge that was his nerdy friend.
“If you are saying the truth, I might.”
He scoffed.
“I fucking hate you.”
His words sounded less bitter, more desperate and weak. Almost like a plead.
They were asking him not to press further on it.
“It is him. Now good-fucking-night, Logan.”
With that, Virgil turned around and plugged in earbuds so he could listen to something that was not Logan.
The nerd gave up and fulfilled his side of the promise.
It was not as if he had not expected that answer.
...He just had not expected Virgil to get so upset over it..
The IT student called it and shut the lamp.
Despite the warmth in the bed and another person in it, he felt horribly lonely.
It took him ages to fall asleep.
Figuratively.
#ts analogical#virgil sanders#logan sanders#deceit sanders#anxceit#fanfiction#fanfic#fanficion#ts fanfic#ts fanfiction
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
Ch5- Remembrance (December)
Title: Calendrical Consequences [Masterpost]
Fandom: Sanders Sides
Pairings: eventual LAMP, background Logicality
~~~
Chapter Title: Remembrance (December)- Chapter 5
Summary: The holiday season is here. Along with its arrival, Virgil gains some... other news.
Warnings: Cult Involvement, Kidnapping and Murder Mention, PTSD, Flashbacks, Panic Attacks, Mentions of Nightmares
[ao3 link]
~~~
Remembrance (December)- Chapter 5
~~~
December 6, 2019
Logan posed the question as they were walking back from a night out.
“Are we going to decorate for Christmas this year?” Logan asked.
Patton whipped to look at his boyfriend and gasped, “Of course we are.”
Logan shrugged, “Okay, I was just asking because half the apartment doesn’t celebrate it.”
“What!” Patton said in shock.
“Patton,” Logan said with a soothing tone, “You know this. Roman is Muslim and Virgil is Jewish.”
“Yes but- It’s not even about religion!”
“Pat- my man, I love you but Christmas is a religious holiday. Specifically a Christian holiday,” Roman pointed out.
“Okay yeah, but like, the idea of Christmas.”
“You mean Americanized, commercialized, Christmas?” Virgil offered.
“Yes!” Patton exclaimed in agreement using his cane as a giant pointer stick aimed at Virgil, “Exactly.”
“I mean, we can do our own celebration,” Roman offered, “I’m not really down for Christmas persay, but the idea of spreading happiness and spending time with friends and family sounds great.”
“What about a New Year’s celebration,” Logan proposed.
“I mean technically Rosh Hashanah is my New Year,” Virgil pointed out, “but I don’t care, I’m not even that religious. Roman?”
“New Year’s sounds good,” he agreed.
“Does that mean we can decorate the house for Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Years?” Patton asked, “Roman any holidays going on that we should add to the list?”
“Pat we don’t need to decorate for every holiday,” Logan pointed out.
“Of course we do,” Patton said with a gasp, “Roman?”
“My holidays are Eid al-Fitr and Eid al-Adha, and no, neither of them are during December.”
“Okay, so just the three then. The apartment is going to look so pretty!” Patton squealed.
That night Patton called the three of them to the living room, where two boxes were present. Patton’s cane, which was previously sparkle blue, also laid on the floor, now covered in a red and white candy cane pattern.
“Pat, when you said we were going to decorate, I didn’t realize you meant like, now,” Virgil commented, “Plus, I don’t think the streamers on your cane are going to last that long.”
“But December has already started! We need the house ready to go,” Patton protested. He completely ignored Virgil’s second comment. Virgil sighed but asked his next question.
“Ready for what?” Virgil asked.
“For,” Paton waved his arms around, as if that would convey whatever point he was trying to make. “The experience,” he finally settled on.
Virgil shrugged but didn’t argue.
“Okay, so I mostly have Christmas stuff with a little New Year’s. And I ran to the store to get some Hanukkah things. There wasn’t much so I thought we could make the stars or something.”
“Star of David.”
“More like the Star of Virgil. ‘Cause you’re the brightest star to me,” Patton said, pointing in Virgil’s direction. “Now, let’s get decorating!” he said with a grin.
The group spent the rest of the evening decorating. Like Patton had wanted, it certainly was an experience. Roman got successfully tangled in lights, garland, and other assorted decorations a total of seven times. Trixie was quite confused by the fake branches of holly and kept trying to play fetch. Logan had decidedly hated the texture of the plastic pine and had instead taken responsibility over the lights. Virgil just went to places as necessary, doing nothing in particular. The one thing he did make sure to do was assist Roman by getting him more tangled in the decorations and then laughing at him as he struggled to get out.
At the end, their apartment looked like the holiday spirit had thrown up on it. Meaning it did have some sort of theme, but really just looked like a complete mess.
“I love it,” Patton insisted once they stood back to admire their work.
The other three just stared at him incredulously. But you know what, if Patton was happy with it, why not?
-
December 11, 2019
Virgil had an innate flaw of snooping. So, when the person sitting next to him was on their phone before class, Virgil glanced at the screen. What he saw made his heart drop to the floor.
“What is that?” he asked, already expecting to get an answer he was not going to like.
“Oh, some major cult got busted or something. Really bad stuff man, kidnapping and murder and stuff,” the person told him.
“Uh, do you know what the cult was called?”
The girl hummed and looked through the page.
“Tri- something, ah here it is Triginea. Hey, your name is Virgil, right? A kid in here that was kidnapped has the same name. Not very common, huh? You know about it?”
Virgil felt his vision tunnel.
“No,” he could hear himself mutter, “No, no no.” Trixie pressed into him, and started whining loudly to get his attention. The sharp noise reminded him of what he was supposed to do, and he sat heavily onto the ground. Everyone was staring at him. God, why was everyone staring at him. He started to cry. Trixie laid on top of him, working on bringing him back.
He could see people moving closer around him. They approached with concerned faces and asked him questions. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t say anything. They got closer. Oh god they were going to grab him and take him back. Take him back and force him to obey again. Shove him in the cellar and… the crowd started to move back. Why? A dog was blocking them. A dog was blocking them? Oh, oh right, Trixie. Good girl Trixie.
The students continued to back away and the dog returned to lay on top of them. Right, come on Virgil, just be with your dog and breathe. You know how to do this. You got this.
Virgil continued to work on his breathing, finally sitting up after around fifteen minutes. He was surprised to find the room empty except for the professor.
“Virgil?” she asked as he looked around.
“Uh, yeah, hey professor.”
“Are you-” she hesitated, “How are you?”
“Fine.”
“Do you need anything?”
“Uh, no, I’m- where is everyone?” he asked.
“Oh, I had everyone leave. I read your email at the beginning of the year and you mentioned not to crowd you if this happened. Your dog got everyone to back away, but you still seemed nervous of the people. I cancelled class and told them they all could go.”
“Oh, uh, you didn’t need to cancel class,” Virgil said. He gestured Trixie off him and stood.
His professor smiled, “Trust me,” she said, “I’ve cancelled class for way less before.”
“Well, okay. Uh, I’m just going to go now then.”
“Do you want to call anyone?” she asked.
“No, no, I’m fine,” he insisted.
She went to say something and then hesitated. Virgil waited.
“Would you please email me when you get home?” she asked, “Just so I know you got back safely?”
“Uh, sure. Thanks.”
“No problem Virgil. Feel better.”
Virgil nodded, and left the room, wondering if feeling better would ever even be an option.
-
December 16, 2019
Five days later and he was finally working up the courage to look up the news article he had seen. Patton sat with him, playing a game on his phone, as emotional support. Virgil took a deep breath and typed in “Triginea Cult” into the search bar.
He expected as much, but was still shocked when the numerous new news reports showed up. He clicked one.
Cult… Apprehended… Being put on trial… Notable cases include… the kidnapping of Virgil Torres at age 6. Torres was rescued at age 13 after being abandoned by the cult. Can we expect him to testify in this trial?
“Holy shit,” Virgil muttered. Patton looked at him.
Virgil slid the phone to his friend who looked through it carefully. He read the article and stopped at the same section that talked about Virgil.
“How do they know this?” Patton asked with a frown.
Virgil shrugged, “I mean, it was a pretty big deal when they found me. I mean I had been missing for seven years. It was in the news and everything. I was just a lot more preoccupied with other stuff at that time.”
Patton frowned and continued to read.
“I can’t believe they did this,” Patton said. He held the phone in a tight grip and his teeth clenched together.
“I mean, it’s an interesting story, right? That’s how this works.” Virgil said with a sigh before burying his face in his arms.
“Still.”
“I just really hope this doesn’t become a huge thing like last time. We had to move.” Virgil’s voice came out muffled from where he had buried his head in his arms.
Patton looked at the younger boy in surprise, “You did?”
Virgil nodded.
“I had been home for like two months,” he explained, head popping back up, “And the story was all over the news and people kept coming to our house. It was really bad. Plus, y’know, I was doing a lot worse. And then I got sent away to help with all my,” Virgil waved a hand in the air, “Shit. And during that time my parents were still being harassed, so they moved. My mom left shortly after.”
“Wait, your mom left?”
“Yeah,” Virgil scrubbed his face with his hand, “It was too much for her, y’know?”
“No,” Patton said softly, as he took Virgil's other hand, “I don’t understand how a child could be ‘too much’ for their parents.”
Virgil sighed, “She didn’t sign up for me, y’know? Like my parents got married, had me and life was good. And then I was kidnapped and that was awful for them. But, seven years passed, right? It sucked, but they got used to the fact that I was dead. And then suddenly, I show up. And of course they love me and are happy to see me. I mean kids don’t just show up after that long unless their in a body bag. But I mean, no one signs up for their kid to be kidnapped and then later returned with a fuckton of mental issues multiple years down the line. My mom didn’t want a kid who was thirteen and woke himself up screaming every night.”
Patton shook his head, “It doesn’t matter, she should have loved you anyway. That’s a fault on her, not a fault on you.”
“Yeah, but, if I had just been an easier kid-”
“Virgil, you need to stop apologizing for your trauma. I think you should probably talk about this with your therapist.”
Virgil sniffled as tears ran down his cheeks. He hadn’t realized he had been crying. With a huff he wiped them away.
“Yeah, probably. Thanks Pat,” he muttered, and then escaped to his bedroom.
-
December 26, 2019
Hanukkah was surprisingly hard that year. Ever since he had been forced into a cult, religion was a touchy subject for Virgil. He could understand why people connected to it, especially after being friends with Roman, but his trauma was too deep to really enjoy his religion. The part he did like was the tradition and the connection he always felt to his dad. He tried to focus on those good parts instead of the enforced brainwashing he had undergone during his middle seven years of life, but it was harder than usual this year.
Virgil knew his father could tell. They kept the lighting of the menorah and the recitation as short as possible. Virgil knew his father wouldn't mind if he left. But Virgil wanted to enjoy this, he did. He may not completely believe in the goodness of religion after everything he had been through, but he was still Jewish. It was a part of him. A part he considered important. Why was this so hard?
“Virgil,” his dad said, firm, but soft, “We don’t have to celebrate this year if you don’t want to.”
Virgil shot his head up.
“No, no, I do,” he insisted, “I just-”
“It’s okay,” his dad said, calming his panic instantly. He always had a way of doing that. “Can I ask why it’s so hard this year? Usually Hanukkah isn’t this rough for you. Is it because you’re testifying soon?”
“No. It’s… Dad, do you read the news?”
His father frowned and shook his head.
“The case has been made public,” Virgil admitted, “And a lot of links have been made back to me. I’ve just been thinking about it a lot.”
His father sighed and nodded.
“What can I do?” he eventually asked.
Virgil shrugged.
“Want to go eat jelly donuts until we’re sick?” his dad offered.
Virgil offered him a smile and nodded. He’d get through this.
#ts virgil#ts roman#ts logan#ts patton#sanders sides#ts sides#emile picani#trixie#cartoon therapy#hannukah#trauma recovery#ptsd#service dogs#fanfiction#fan fiction#mywriting#my writing#colupdate#colwritingupdate#jksf#just keep stumbling forward
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
You Asked, I Told + Chapter 33 Update
Hello everyone! First off, I am so, so, SO sorry for taking so long to update. I am about to put the finishing touches on Chapter 33, and if all goes according to plan, I should have it for you between March 7th-9th - just in time for Captain Marvel! Meow. This chapter is clocking in at OVER 30,000 WORDS, so although it has taken me an abysmally long time to complete it, I hope the length will make it somewhat worthwhile.
And now for your Asks! These contain a spoiler for chapter 15 and some milder spoilers for some of the later chapters (30-32-ish).
I understand this completely. I have problems with a lot of military fics because of their verisimilitude (or lack thereof). I will say in general that I have had a good deal of affiliation with military-related environments and individuals in my life and that I have done my research to the best of my abilities. Part of why I take so long to update is the immense amount of research I do. That said, as I mentioned at the beginning of the fic, sometimes I may stretch or alter the details (a platoon/fire team/company is not as small as I portray it, same with convoy sizes etc.) in order to make it easier for me to write. And I will just plain screw stuff up because I’m a person. But over all, the most important thing for me is to capture the themes of deployment, war, recovery, readjustment (or not), trauma, etc. and convey these things with realism. But I do try to get a lot of the details right, too.
I hope a lot of this stuff rings true to you in the fic. I invite you and other uniformed personnel and veterans to DM me and let me know how I can make the details ring truer. I have shaped the work in other ways based on feedback and am willing to do it further, provided I don’t have a good reason for making things the way they are now.
Yeah, I’m sorry I had to turn off anons because of the trolls. I’m glad you enjoyed the emotional catharsis for Steve here. He really needed to actually feel his emotions rather than turning everything into pain and puke. (BTW, meta note, I write a lot of vomit for some reason. I know it’s a large part of being a heavy drinker, because you just can’t drink that much and not puke a lot, and I wanted Steve to be a puker because I wanted to showcase a huge somatic reaction, but yeesh, what is UP with the all the puke? I hate vomit IRL, so much.)
And I am the worst queer in the world, as I was just told by a virtual stranger yesterday, because I have NOT seen A Star is Born yet. But I am going to watch it this week! I’m glad that it rang true with this depiction of addiction. Relapse is messy, and it happens on anniversaries - Oh, the anniversary relapse is a BIG thing in recovery. I’m excited to see the parallels now. Thank you for the rec!
I am actually TERRIBLE at recommending fic in the sense that I barely read any at all :( I’m ruined for most fics these days because if it’s not profoundly, painfully realistic, I have trouble buying into it. I hate that I’m so picky now. I wish I had a bunch of great recs I’m holding out on, but if you’ve seen my bookmarks, you’ve seen many of the ones that stick out most for me. A lot of them are because I love the writing itself, which helps me get my creative wheels turning when I need to craft good prose. Sorry I can’t be more helpful.
But seriously, @praximeter‘s The Night War: 60th Anniversary Edition FTW. It’s my all time favorite fic and one of the most excellent character studies - and one of the best studies in trauma - I’ve ever read. Talk about an unreliable narrator. And it raises some excellent questions about who we let fight and under what circumstances - how much do we use people in war, even if they’re clearly so compromised from trauma that they can barely function? You’ve got to REALLY read it, though. It’s not a lazy read. Highly recommended, though. Be prepared to have your guts torn out of your body and thrown on the floor and danced upon by Prax. It makes her Mask Fic look like a giggling prance through the daisies.
Yeah - I think the last chapter was exhausting and distressing and disheartening for many. And it was maybe a bit confusing, in regards to Bucky’s relapse. On one hand, he’s a hawt LITERAL mess. But on the other hand... this is not unexpected. This is part of recovery, especially for a lifelong alcoholic. He planned it. He took some steps to mitigate risk. He was not trying to off himself. He had a limit set. He just didn’t want to cope in healthy ways anymore and he made an informed adult choice to drink a fuckton of vodka for a week. Was it healthy? Good GOD, no. But he was doing it with an oddly sound mind, right? He tried other means of coping first. He gave it his best, and he decided to do this instead. And he cleaned up his mess after and put his clothes on and did the big boy thing and called his therapist. So even though it was awful and gross and sad, you could also look at it as a stark contrast from his Carle Place days. And he LOOKED AT HIS DICK...!!!!! HOLY SHIT. That is a feat 19 months in the making. And he did it sober. That in itself is impressive.
But I can definitely see pain for a lot of people, and the exhaustion of this chapter, the OH GOD just STOP IT, here we go AGAIN. And that is how friends and families and loved ones of addicts can feel, and the addicts themselves! Tired. Just tired of the same old thing, over and over. But he also made a lot of objective progress in important ways. Even if it doesn’t feel like it because the progress is covered in old pizza crust and vomit and dildos (yes, even the BIG ONE).
This is referring to Chapter 15, when Bucky was in the hospital after his surgeries, yes? I don’t think he needed a trach tube, actually. He had his weapon up to his face to aim at the enemy, so his neck/airway didn’t sustain any major injuries because his arms and rifle took the brunt of the shrapnel. His internal organs were spared from major injuries because of his body armor. He needed to have his collapsed lung decompressed in the field, but that was it. That might have been followed up with more drainage later at a field hospital. I figured his alveoli were ruptured from the IED blast wave, leading to the collapsed lung, which is usually treated with 100% oxygen, so no trach needed there. And when I researched other reasons why one would need a trach, I didn’t see anything that would really apply to him. So no trach for Bucky! You can spare him that little bit of misery in your imagination, if you WANT.
Haha, yes, the “enjoyed... I think?” parallels the “I’m glad... I think?” that I feel/write when people say they’re wrecked by the fic. I’m so glad this has encouraged you to do some research! I’d love to know what on. There are so many threads to chase. Just glance at the TAGS, my God. Choose your own adventure. Thank you for letting me know you’re enjoying and that it’s sparking your curiosity!
Ugh, I would love to say that I have a great schedule for updating planned, but as you can probably surmise, I am slow and unpredictable. My life has gotten much, much busier since I started writing this fic and my work far more draining, so both time and energy aren’t on my side these days. I don’t dare to promise an update on any kind of schedule because I just can’t say. I’m sorry. And you’re absolutely right - it’s because I want to deliver the best quality I can. And I’m also trying to give you huge meaty chapters, too. But I HOPE it won’t be another five months before the next update. I really do. The next chapter will probably be shorter, so that’ll help. I will really do my best.
This is a GREAT question. I think it’s important to note that dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) - although originally designed for borderline personality disorder (BPD) - is trans-diagnostic treatment as a skills group. This means that it can be for anyone who needs help with regulating emotions and managing their relationships better. We don’t really know what Bucky’s diagnosis is. BUCKY doesn’t know what it is. All he knows is that Scott identified his functional life problems and thought the group would be a good fit. Bucky sure does have some BPD traits, but it’s also important to note that some of these traits can also be present in someone with a fuckton of trauma - especially from childhood.
I set out to write someone with just a lot of trauma, really. Someone who had difficulties with regulating emotions as a core problem. Someone who used sex and booze and avoidance to manage everything. And also someone with a lot of attachment and intimacy and trust problems, which can really all look like BPD! And they can all look like developmental trauma! I wanted it to not be entirely clear what was going on, because that’s often how people appear in real life. We’re not quite sure what Scott makes of him, except that he sees he needs healthy skills DESPERATELY and wanted to get him in this group ASAP. (Good call, Scott!)
Okay, everyone! Thank you so much for all the love and great questions!! I’ll be in touch in a couple weeks with more BW for you. Thank you for all of your support and patience <3
23 notes
·
View notes
Text
Ranting about Kingdom Hearts (cuz I just got into it)
Oh boy... where to begin...
I guess I should start by saying I wasn’t a fan of this series. I had barely heard of it growing up (try being a nerd in Portugal, it’s the worst) and by the time I did all I was hearing was about how convoluted the story was and how it had Disney characters with JRPG ones and I just thought it was weird af.
It wasn’t until the hype for KH3 started building up and one of my friends started showing me trailers for the thing that I got interested myself. As such for the last couple of weeks I took it upon myself to catch up with the series lore-wise. Now I’m caught up (not really but fuck if I have to go through that mobile phone game), so I have some thoughts to spew out.
I should note that KH3 will be my very first experience in gameplay of the series. I only went through the story of the other games, watching their cutscenes. (All-in-one does sound like an appetizing package but I wasn’t willing to spend 100+ euros on something I wasn’t even sure I was gonna like).
I will be going on a game-by-game basis.
Kingdom Hearts
When you wak away~ you don’t hear me say~ (God this song is so good)
What I took from this game is that despite the ridiculous looking premise, it works. I don’t know how putting a FF-looking dude along with Sora and Goofy works, but they made it work. Bravo.
The story was pretty straight-forward. I like that Riku and Sora have very much the same goal throughout the game, only that Riku ended up hanging out with the wrong people and had to pay the price for it.
I really like the scene where Kairi is revived, almost like a reversal of the beginning of the game. She goes to grab Sora and he poofs out of existance. It actually hits pretty hard.
I love that they kept Mickey to just one cameo. They build him up so well and in the end he just appears and basically solves the situation. Great stuff.
Also did I mention how good Simple and Clean is?
Kingdom Hearts - Chain of Memories
This is where some questions start popping up. The rigmarole around Sora’s memories was a bit confusing to me.
Other than that though, this was pretty harmless. Namine is a nice addition to the cast and I like how Sora and the Riku-replica argued over things.
I also like Sora’s final decision to go back to how he was.
Kingdom Hearts - 358/2 Days
Yes, I went through this game before KH2. No I don’t regret it.
I really like Roxas, Axel and Xion. Probably my favorite trio as a whole in the series. They spend a lot of scenes together and they really sell the friendship between them.
Yes they’re always eating ice cream but why is that bad?
Kingdom Hearts II
Omoidasuka~ Haruka harukaaaa~ Mirai wa~ (God this music is so good)
Oh my god this game was looooooong.
I almost forgot the non-plot stuff of this game completely. It’s not to say that it’s bad, but that it is a lot of stuff to remember so I chose to keep the plot-important stuff. Thankfully, that plot-important stuff is really really really good.
I think the final world is worth every pound of a full-price game on its own. I mean, seriously. Kairi and Namine’s escape and rescue by Riku. Ansem’s sacrifice. Xemnas’ questioning (and his voice, so soothing). Sora’s reunion with Riku. And how about that final battle. Oh my god the hype.
I do have a question though. How did Riku obtain his keyblade? It looks like his old bat wing sword so I thought it had been turned into a keyblade, but then in DD he summons the sword so he still has it?
Still, probably my favorite entry in the series.
Kingdom Hearts - Birth by sleep
This one kinda felt like the Star Wars prequels, what with Xehanort constantly goading Terra into using the darkness.
This game’s pacing was weird. One minute we’re trudging through the remaining worlds not explored in KH1, then suddenly Eraqus is attacking Ventus and we’re on the path to the Keyblade Graveyard.
This was the game that started interconnecting the plot too much. There’s no need for Mickey to be here, much less in the finale. Kairi now ended up Destiny Islands because Aqua gave her a charm or something. Sora and Riku got the Kingdom key because Riku was bequeathed by Terra now. The only one that kinda had to happen was the rigmarole with Sora’s and Ventus’s hearts, in order to explain Roxas’s appearance.
Still, the finale was pretty good and it did a good job of setting up Xehanort as the series’ big bad.
Btw, Aqua’s VA was shit. It really distracted me... Like can you at least pretend that you care? Really bad performance.
Kingdom Hearts - Re:coded
Apparently this one’s important to the plot now.
My least favorite entry in the franchise so far. Most of the game is inconsequential, it goes on for too long and for no good reason.
There are a couple of good moments between Data!Sora and Data!Riku, and I like that this game actually gave Sora a goal to achieve in KH3, that of rescuing every other MC trio, but those points are not enough to redem this game.
It felt like a chore to go through this one.
Kingdom Hearts - Dream Drop Distance
This one was mostly fun, but it is also responsible for the meme-status of the franchise’s story. Oh my god...
I actually don’t mind the complicated exam. I also like the idea of a mishap turning Riku into Sora’s guardian angel. However it’s when the Xehanorts start running amok that the plot starts to literally fold in on itself.
It does a decent enough job of setting up KH3 and hyping it up, but this really was where the story started to get convoluted. Before this point it was actually pretty easy to follow for me.
I’m also not fond of the retcon on Organization XIII’s goals.
Also I guess Riku is more special than Sora now? Not that I’m complaining.
Kingdom Hearts - 0.2 Birth by sleep -A fragmentary passage-
This game fixed Aqua and ruined Mickey. I mean, it’s pretty. And Aqua is life. But what the hell did you do to Mickey, Nomura?
You mean to tell me that Aqua was there the whole time and Mickey didn’t try to get her out of the Realm of Darkness? WHAT?! He was there with Riku, and Mickey didn’t even so much as mention Aqua to him? She’s literally there on the beach!
On the other hand though, Aqua’s VA now does a pretty decent job. Aqua herself is given a lot more to do and think about. Her character really benefits from this title. She’s not my favorite character, but I totally get why she’s a fan favorite.
Also terrible excuse to get Sora back to Lvl 1 is terrible.
Kingdom Hearts X Back Cover
On its own, I actually like this. It’s a pretty solid story on how the Keyblade War first sparked.
Yes, the foretellers are idiots who were obviously being played by the Master of Masters, but I think the way they fell out is nicely told. I also think that was the intent of the story. To show how dependent these guys were on the Master and how incompetent they were, so much so that the moment the Master disappears everything goes haywire.
I am a bit reluctant on this as a piece of the Kingdom Hearts story though. More specifically when it pertains to the Dark Seeker Saga. I don’t like how this was shown to us before KH3. Because even though I’m new to the series, I can tell a crazy storyteller when I see one. And Nomura’s incessant need of referencing every single piece of content in KH will rear its ugly head in KH3.
This shit is gonna matter, but it clearly has no place in the story told so far. Yes, it shows the beginnings of the Kayblade War, which is Xehanort’s end goal. But now we have ANOTHER bad guy to look out for in the Master of Masters and what the hell is in the black box, cuz I can assure it will appear in KH3. Isn’t this a bit too much to tack on just before the release of the game that supposedly ends the saga?
And don’t get me started on the fuckton of continuity problems the whole mobile game shabang brings.
Looking onto Kingdom Hearts III
On the whole though, I’m getting this game. If I had to equate it to something it would be to Infinity War in how it is going to converge all of the currently ongoing plotlines. Everything is leading up to this.
That in and of itself is good enough to generate hype, but there are other things that I’m looking forward to in the game.
- The gameplay (again, haven’t actually played any of the games yet, this will be my first experience)
- Playing as Kairi (wasn’t particularly happy with her lack of screentime despite her status as a MC)
- Sora’s goal to help Roxas (and I believe the others connected to him by extension)
- Visiting the Pixar worlds (this stuff looks so good, it looks exactly the same as the movies)
- The epic team-up of all the trios
- The music (of course)
- And probably some other stuff that I can’t remember right now.
May your heart be your guiding key
#kingdom hearts#kingdom hearts iii#kh sora#kh riku#disney#mickey#chain of memories#birth by sleep#re:coded#dream drop distance#a fragmentary passage#kh aqua#kh terra#kh ventus#roxas#kh axel#xion#keyblade#kh stuff
49 notes
·
View notes
Text
NSFW PROMPT - COLOSSUS
There is a woeful lack of fun stuff for our beloved Tinman, but fear not, I have a prompt list and I’m itching to get writing.
Prompt: “Come sit on my lap, love.”
You’d had a hard day, to say the least.
This random asshole kid who didn’t know he was a mutant decided to suddenly gain his mutant powers, which of course had to be something stupid like the ability to manipulate water. Not that that’s a stupid power. It’s just that what he did with it was pretty stupid.
He couldn’t have flooded three city blocks with clean sink water, or just flooded the river a little bit. No, he had to flood three city blocks with sewer water. Three city blocks were covered in raw sewage.
A shit lake. A sea of poop.
Needless to say, you had to get one of the other residents of the mansion to hose you down before you made the shameful trek up to your bathroom for a very long, excruciatingly hot shower complete with a metric fuckton of soap. You could console yourself by considering that at least the kid was safe and not incarcerated in some torture house. The mood lessened when you remembered that you just bought those boots that were not very much ruined.
A solid hour of scrubbing and wash-rinse-repeating came and went, and finally, you left the bathroom smelling incrementally better and feeling a little less suicidal.
Your bed, while dressed in the usual utilitarian, boring navy sheets and blankets, looked better than even the sweetest four-post canopy memory-foam bed at that moment. You flopped down on the bed, not even bothering to pull the sheets back. And why bother to get dressed when you could just leave your towel on and stretch out across the bed? Wet hair be damned, the tangles could be combed out in the morning. Your pillows were singing a sweet siren song and your body was answering the call.
You were halfway to dreamland when a knock came at your bedroom door. As gentle as that knock was, there was no mistaking the echoing clang that reverberated after the impact. Which meant that Colossus was on the other side of the door.
As lovely and sweet as it was for Colossus to check on you, sleep would be lovelier and sweeter. But it’s not like you were going to tell him to go away. A hug to end this shit-show of a day would be nice too, and one thing you would never pass up was a Colossus hug.
“Come in!” you called, not moving from the bed. Your door was always open (which was a little awkward sometimes).
Colossus peeked his head in, taking note of your rather pitiful form. “I heard you had a rough day?”
“It was quite shitty, if you will.”
He chuckled and slid the rest of his body past the threshold of your room, closing the door behind him. “Language, my love. But the effect is not lost. Do you want to talk about it?”
You sat up and stretched, your shoulders cracking. “I’d rather just forget about it. That much sewage is… not something I want to think about before bed.”
“Fair enough,” he replied.
You groaned, sniffing yourself. It was like the scent of the sewer was still stuck in your nose. “It’s gonna take days to wash the smell out. Let me get dressed, I guess. I’ll sleep downstairs tonight since I still… smell…”
Colossus sat down next to you; the bed frame screamed in protest, but didn’t give. He pressed his nose against your damp hair, taking in the scent of you. “I smell nothing out of the ordinary, nor would I ever have you sleep downstairs.”
“You can be honest.”
“Am I ever anything but?” Colossus replied, brushing your damp hair away from your face. “Will you allow me to cheer you up a little?”
“I don’t think I’m really in the mood for any ‘cheering up.’”
“That is not what I meant. I could hear your shoulders cracking earlier. I can at least help make you more comfortable.”
You didn’t really even have to think about it. Much like a Colossus hug, a Colossus massage was just something you just didn’t turn down, no matter how tired you were. With any luck, he’d put you to sleep and then come to bed himself.
“That would be excellent,” you said.
“Then come sit in my lap, love.”
You positioned yourself in his lap, your back to his chest. You would be hard-pressed to find a better seat in the house because, while he was large and metallic, his skin was quite soft when he wasn’t tensed or defensive. Which meant those thick thighs and soft lap were all yours.
His hands engulfed your shoulders, pressing and prodding and kneading. He was exceedingly gentle in everything that he did. He had to be - he was seven feet tall and huge.
Colossus pressed a particularly tight knot in your neck, rolling the pads of his thumbs around the knot. His breath against your neck was warm. His voice hummed in your ear as he worked, sending a spark through your spine that was just enough to make your nipples prickle.
This was fantastic. While you hadn’t really been planning on getting frisky that night (daily trauma will ruin your libido), it was hard not to get a bit aroused when you could feel his dick flush against your butt. And his hands. God love him, those hands could tear your apart without even doing anything remotely dirty.
You squirmed in his lap, adjusting yourself, leaning into his hands. “Hey, big guy?”
“Hmm?”
“I think I could use a little ‘cheering up,’ if you don’t mind.”
“As you wish, my love,” Colossus said, scooting further back on the bed. “Lay back against me.”
You did as you were bade, your towel slipping down a little. You didn’t bother to adjust it. It was in the way anyway.
His voice in your ear was soft and deep. “Is there anything in particular that you would like for me to do?”
“Take care of me, please?”
“Just relax, then.”
He went back to kneading your knotted back, his fingers deftly pulling out the tension in every dip of muscle. His lips at your neck mouthed patterns into your skin, prayers against your flesh, his teeth barely scraping the hollow of your throat. That’s what he did best - he specialized in purveying a slow, agonizing build that made your toes curl and your fists grab at his thighs.
Colossus’s fingers dipped below the tie of your towel, loosened it, and let it slip down over your stomach. You hissed as the cold air caressed your front, making your nipples peak. You laid the back of your head against his shoulder and let him work.
One hand slid up your belly while the other slid down, down. He took your breast in his hand, circling your nipple but not touching. His other hand caressed your thigh, devilishly close to your aching clit, but not quite close enough.
You arched into his touch, begging him to please touch you. You felt his grin against your cheek, and as much as he was destroying your self control, you knew that you were testing his as well. You could feel him pressed into your back, hard and aching, but you knew he wouldn’t ask you to reciprocate. That’s not what he was meant to do at that moment - perhaps later.
His fingers traced the line of your clit, feather light, before dipping down to test how wet you were. He was not disappointed; you were practically dripping into his lap, and he’d barely touched you.
“How’s this?” he asked, voice rumbling straight through your spine.
Words were not especially effectual at that moment. “Mhmmm.”
“Relax for me. I’ve got you.”
He slipped a single digit into your cunt, slowly, slowly, enjoying the whine that passed your lips. Yeah, his fingers could definitely get the job done - one was almost enough. And yet, not quite enough.
He pumped his wrist, pulling his finger in and out, in and out, before adding another finger to the first. His slow, languid movements were torture; you dug your fingers into his thigh, making your best effort to tell him to hurry the fuck up without actually using words.
Colossus got the hint.
His fingers curled, thrusting, knuckle-deep in your cunt. You clenched down on him, a hard moan spilling from your lips. He shushed you gently, before curling his fingers again. Really, there was nothing you could do to stop that sound.
“We don’t want to be overheard…”
“Stick your finger in my mouth then, because I definitely can’t not make that sound.”
“Ah, but I need that hand. Let’s see how quiet you can be.”
It’s his own fault if you’re overheard then, you thought, before thoughts seemed a bit too much work for you. The hand that had been pinching your nipple slipped down to work at your clit, circling and rubbing until the burn started building deep in the pit of your stomach.
You had to stuff your fist in your mouth to hold back the moan, but even that couldn’t completely stifle the repetition of his name from spilling past your fist as you came. Somewhere in there was a please don’t stop and a fuck me and don’t you dare say a thing about my language. So, no, not quiet at all.
When you’d finally stopped begging, he slid his fingers out, picked up the edge of your towel, and cleaned you up. Where your back had been arched in a hard bow, you now sagged boneless against his chest. He brushed your hair back away from your face and kissed your forehead.
“Did that help?” he asked, a bit amused. You must have looked quite a mess; he wasn’t nearly as flustered as he usually was.
Polysyllabic words were still too far beyond your reach. “Yep.”
“Shall we go to bed now?”
“Mhm.”
Colossus carefully lifted you up and set you gently back on the bed. He peeled his leather uniform off and tossed it to the side (all cleanliness forgotten in favor of nudity and snuggles). He pulled you into bed with him, tucking your head underneath his chin.
“I’ll return the favor in the morning,” you said, your voice muffled by his massive chest (you kind of liked stuffing your face between his pecs).
“If that’ll cheer you up, my love,” he replied, chuckling at the returned huff.
#colossus#MCU!colossus#colossus x reader#colossus headcanons#colossus imagines#deadpool#deadpool headcanons#deadpool imagines#MCU!deadpool
289 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
hotpinkstars
nova
neue-sachlichkeit-blog1
neue-sachlichkeit
warcraftadventures
Untitled
kozukeneo
K O Z Z Y
apopeira-epafhs
23 // ATH