#and i refuse to be treated like a machine any longer
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I made the decision to resign after some events from yesterday gave me the emotional shove i needed to realize that im not happy here and things will never improve for me if i dont looke elsewhere
So they have me until ive found a new job but spiritually im already gone
#i am tired of being treated like dirt by the customers and dehumanized by head office#im tired of feeling like a cog in a machine#im tired of busting my ass all day for 16 an hour#i deserve better.#i didnt get the credentials i have to sell moisturizer to the worlds most entitled assholes#and i refuse to be treated like a machine any longer#there has to be something i can do in this city with a poli sci degree and journalism experience#shut up dames
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my soul mate is my cat
pairing: lee minho x gender-neutral reader
genre: angst with a comfort ending – MDNI
synopsis: you adopt a cat to help ease the pain realising he is similar to someone you once held close to you
warnings: animal adoption, mental health, loneliness, unable to care for oneself, soft ending, soul mates, reincarnation
words: 1.7k ~ (1,704)
♡ m.list — ♡ you can also read it on my ao3
dont repost. dont translate. minors, ageless & default blogs; dni!
feedback and reblogs are highly advised and appreciated!
“why don't you adopt a cat!” you look up at your best friend and laugh.
“a cat?” you scoff. “seriously?”
your best friend nods and grins before taking a sip of their spirit. you're both out on a best friend date, eating at a local café whilst catching up on life.
“why not? cats are easy to take care off!”
“i can hardly look after myself let alone an animal.” you chuckle softly.
“oh c'mon yn! are you not lonely since.. well, y'know..” you swallow as your best friend trails off. you let out a sad sigh as you look down at your pastry, suddenly feeling nauseous and the pastry looking unappetizing.
you have noticed that the days are long but the nights are even longer. since being alone, your apartment has felt twice the size of what it usually is. you haven't become lazy per say but the appeal of washing dishes and doing laundry just drains you the more you think about it, causing a pile to build and build until it becomes unmanageable. everything just reminded you of him, of minho. you hated being in the same four walls for that exact reason but you feared that if you left, you’d forget so you willingly trapped yourself.
you'd worry you'd forget about his smell. how he sounded. how he dressed. you still have all his belongings, scared and refusing to throw them out or give them away. every item of clothing still holds his scent, that scent that brings you so much comfort yet such sadness. everything of his still sits on your dressing table. photos, trinkets, dried up flowers, expired amusement park tickets–they're all memories.
nothing has quite been or felt the same. you went from being incredibly loved and being in love by an amazing and wonderful human to feeling nothing. just an empty shell walking and breathing. the only reason you are out right now is because your friend practically barged into your home unwelcomed, forced you to get dressed and dragged you out.
you can't deny that it feels nice to be outside again. the wind on your skin, the chirps of the birds and the buzz of pedestrians however, that part of you just wants to go home and bury yourself under heaps of blankets.
“c'mon yn. i think it'd be good for you. if not, at least think about it.”
and think about it you do. as you wander around your apartment, all you can think about is a cat wandering around your home. maybe having a fluffy companion would do you some good. maybe it would bring you back and light that spark that's been extinguished.
the more the think about it, the more you want it. a sudden burst of energy rips through your body as you clean up your home. putting laundry in the machine, cleaning up dishes and throwing away trash. you bleach and disinfect every surface in your home, scrubbing until you can see your reflection in the counter tops.
once that was done, you venture off to the pet store to grab the necessities. cat tree, scratching post, food and water bowls, litter box and litter alongside some food, treats and toys. maybe you overspent and the cat wouldn't use half of what you bought but it's better to be safe than sorry.
you made sure you home is cat friendly, feeling like you're baby proofing the apartment. you tuck away any loose cables, hide anything that could be potentially swallowed and cause harm. you haven't even decided if you want a cat or a kitten but either way, you will know once you come face to face with the animals.
“hi. i'm looking to adopt a cat.” you say to the shelter worker. you walked to your local shelter knowing it's better to adopt than to shop. they smile at you before asking you some questions and filling out some paperwork before leading you to the kennels.
there, you see a whole array of animals. puppies, kittens, dogs, cats. some old, some new. some frightened and some jumping all over the place with excitement. your heart melts but at the same time drops. seeing all these animals in kennels that have been abandoned and are waiting for their forever home, makes you wish you could just scoop them all up and take them home.
but for now, you can only pick one.
as you walk along the kennels, cooing and sighing at the adorable faces of the many breeds of dogs and cats, do you stop at one in particular.
you squat down as the cat stands from its resting place, uncurling itself and stretching out its stale limbs. it's a black, long coat cat with white around it's paws making it look like it's wearing socks. a little white moustache and white chest with long whiskers and pointy ears with tuffs of fur at the tips.
“hi.” you whisper as you put your hand up close to the metal. the cat sniffs your fingers, its pink nose twitching with each sniff before headbutting and rubbing its head on the bars. you stroke the back of its neck gently, heart melting as it starts to purr loudly.
“i want this one.”
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
it's been a few weeks since you adopted the cat, who's name is lee. lee was wary at first, hiding in the bathroom and nervous of its new surroundings and new noises. you spent time sitting outside the bathroom door trying to gently coax him out of the bathroom and let him know that he is safe.
soon enough, he gingerly stepped out off the bathroom, rubbing his head and body on your legs and hands as he would beg for attention. once lee knew he was safe did he show you his true side.
you learnt that he is a very playful yet stubborn cat. you'd catch him on the counter top (or even on top of the fridge) every time you tell him down, he would look at you and groom himself. you can't do anything about it though; he's a cute cat!
as you both slowly get accustomed to one another do you start to notice traits; traits that are all to familiar to you.
the slow blinks, the stubbornness, the playfulness. how he would meow at you when asking specific questions. the head tilts and the sudden swat of his paw on your hand; it's hard to explain to others but to you, you just know
it's a feeling you're all too familiar with. it's habits and traits you know far too well. you didn't want to believe it at first but now you're forced to. you even went as far as showing him a picture to which he nudged at and purred–like he is trying to tell you something.
you watch as he slowly sits up and stretches from your lap. your eyes widen at a distance mark on his fur in the same place as someone who was once close to you. lee looks at you and gives you slow blinks and purrs loudly as your eyes slowly full with tears.
“you're just like him, yknow.” you whisper. lee continues to give you soft blinks before gently placing his white paw on your cheek, his toes beans feeling soft yet firm against your skin. his fur soaking up your tears before he leans in and gently licks your cheek. his scratchy tongue swiping along your cheek as he gives you kisses to which you giggle at and hold him close to your chest.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
“i'm not crazy.” you protest to your friend over the phone. “i swear, they're just like him!”
“yn.. i know you miss him but that's impossible.”
“is it? i mean, don't you believe in the whole afterlife thing? y'know, being reborn and whatnot.”
“not particularly, no. it's just bizarre how you think that. are you ok, yn? like, really really ok?” you sigh deeply, rubbing your face with your hand.
“peachy. look, i know i sound crazy but it's true. it's just everything lee does is so alike to him. since adopting him, i feel more alive! like i have a purpose.”
“and that's great yn! but to say he is exactly like him is a little bizarre don't you think?”
“well, yeah but– ah, never mind. look, i have to go. talk to you soon.” you hang up with a defeated sigh. of course they wouldn't believe you. you wouldn't if someone told you what you told your friend. they would have to see it to believe it; but even then, would they?
you drag your feet to your bedroom, smiling as you see lee curled up on his side of the bed. you flop down on your stomach, disturbing lee from his nap. his head shoots up, a tired and disapproved meow causing you to laugh softly.
“sorry darling. i didn't mean to wake you.” lee puts his head back down before letting out a big yawn. his ears twitching and soft purrs emitting as you gently pat his soft and silky fur.
“maybe i am a little crazy.” you say with a soft chuckle. “could you not give me a sign or something? i'll take anything at this point.”
lee looks at you before getting up off the bed and walking out. you watch with a sad smile feeling defeated and your heart weighing you down.
moments later, lee walks back into the bedroom. he jumps up on the bed and drops a piece of clothing by your face. it's a sock but not just any sock–it's his favourite sock.
you sit up, holding the sock close to your chest as tears stream down your cheeks. you let out broken sobs as lee stands on his hind legs, front paws on your arms as he reaches up. you laugh softly, leaning down to allow him to lick your cheek slowly and gently to soothe you.
you scoop him up and nuzzle into his soft furr, getting it wet with your tears. lee endures it, purring softly and rubbing his face against your cheek.
“it's really you.” you whisper. “welcome back, my love.”
note: idek. i saw a tiktok ok and it prompted me to do this. i have no words, sdjn;aslfb! don’t forget to leave feedback, reblog and tell me what you think here. curious as to what is next? here is my wips list! i hope you all enjoy! ‹3
tags (open): @sstarryoong ; @fairylouist ; @septicrebel ; @alyszaen ; @writerracha ; @hyunluvxo ; @aestheticsluut ; @xcookiemonsteer ; @telesvng
#kwritersworldnet#wkcnet#straykidsland#skz angst#stray kids angst#lee minho#lee minho angst#lee minho x you#lee minho x reader#lee know#lee know angst#lee know x you#lee know x reader#skz x you#skz x reader#stray kids x you#stray kids x reader#skz scenarios#skz oneshots#stray kids one shots
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Midnight Rain (Part II)
Warning/s: Angst and Fluff
Character/s: Scaramouche x Reader
Synopsis: Scaramouche finds himself traveling with the traveler following his defeat in the Sumeru war. He hopes to meet you along during the journey and earn your trust again.
Note: I didn't follow some canon scenes from the battle between the Balladeer and Traveler from the first part so some things are changed. As requested I sprinkled some fluff in here but there's some angst ofc. I managed to squeeze every sweetness in my bones just to come up with the ending. Hope yall enjoy and forgive me with the angsts.
"Ah you've seen my affection for her. If you were in my position, I think you'd feel the same way"
He frowns as he recalls what he said to you, shaking his head at the emerging memory. What a fool he is to treat you that way, knowing you're the only one who actually cares about him. He becomes so blinded by your constant love for him that he thinks dismissing your feelings will not cause you to leave, because you'll still fall for him and stay, only this time you're already falling before he can even catch you.
Scaramouche, who now calls himself "the Wanderer," journeys Teyvat with the traveler in the hopes of meeting you along the way. He offers to tag along on their adventures after the war in Sumeru, promising to make amends for his past actions even if they are forgotten by most. The traveler was hesitant at first, but Nahida convinces him to do it. He warns him that if he does something bad, he won't hesitate to feed him to Paimon.
The Wanderer spends his days doing meaningless things, like working on different commissions with the Traveler. Even though it's tiring and boring, he's never felt so at peace, which is something he can only feel with you.
He pushed those thoughts away as he cast a glimpse at the rising statue of Barbatos, which was gleaming beneath the sun's blaze. The last thing he needs to find you is for that piercing sting inside him where his heart is supposed to be.
The nation of the Anemo Archon proved to be a safe haven for explorers like him as all are welcome within its walled borders. A foreign feeling churns inside him; a sincere reception from strangers who do not immediately condemn him is an unusual occurrence for the Wanderer. After years of only you accepting and treating him as a normal being, it's a strange emotion to feel when a bard hands him an apple as a welcome gesture.
He imagines every situation and every word he'll say once he finds you, but all preparations are tossed out the window the moment he sees you. You who’s as perfect and beautiful as he remembered, even the grease that stains your skin from repairing a machine can’t lessen your beauty as you laughed at him, him who’s hair white as chalk and posture still as a doll. The Wanderer refuses himself the sudden surge of jealousy, he doesn’t have the right now as he stares at you longingly.
He felt his entire body freeze the minute your eyes locked on him, waiting with bated breath for the storm to strike. Your gaze, however, quickly shifts to the side as if you were unaware that he was standing there.
Did you absolutely despise him? He can't blame you if you do, but it doesn't make the pain that crawls and scratches him back any less painful. He can only blame himself for causing you so much hurt that you decide to ignore him entirely.
He isolates himself from the traveler, preferring to rest under Windrise's great oak tree. His hand wipes any daring tear that dares to fall, and even though he is no longer the frail puppet he once was, he still easily tears up. He is unsure if your rejection or avoidance of him causes him more pain, as both equally rip him apart. It hurts much more that you no longer care about him and he has no way to bring you back into his life, even if he drowns himself in sorrow and endures a thousand stab wounds.
He chases after those memories of you both being content and happy, and for a moment, he allows himself to get lost in them.
He eventually drifts off to sleep under the cooling shade of Vennessa's Tree, lulled by the Archon's breeze and the melody sung by the lyre coming above from one of the branches.
The Wanderer was painfully jolted out of his dreams of you when he felt something tap his shoulder; he frowned as he faced the intruder but stopped when he saw you smiling at him. He pinches and rubs his eyes awake to check if he's dreaming again.
You kneeled in front of him and offered him a bottle of water, which he accepted dumbfoundedly. His violet eyes are watching you intently as if Aranaras were dancing on the top of your head. You smiled awkwardly at him, overwhelmed by his focused attention, and cleared your throat, ready to ask him the question you had thought for hours.
He stills his beating heart, afraid that it’ll drown out your words as he awaits anxiously for you to speak.
“You must be parched, here’s some water I got from Sara awhile ago. Don’t worry it’s freshly taken from a clean spring. Anyway, I uhm saw you earlier while I was at the crafting table and I-”
"Wait before you say anything else" He rushes in front of you, grasping your hand while looking down at the ground and saying, "I'm sorry for everything I've done. Although I had my reasons for causing you pain, it does not make it right. I will do anything to regain your forgiveness. I will persevere even if it takes years or more. I love you. I know I'm a disappointment to you most of the time but you still constantly care for me, even when I act and make hasty decisions. Amidst my past and painful memories and mistakes, you are the first thing that has ever felt right. I'll always love you even if you turn me away"
Even if it is wrong to hope for your forgiveness instantly, he still clings to it while he looks at you. His face painted in sincerity, as he waits for your response.
“I uh- I’m so sorry to say this but I only saw you today? I asked for your whereabouts and followed you because well you seemed familiar to me and when I saw you staring earlier, I’m reminded of the locket I used to have and how you resemble the person in the picture but I can’t remember why I have it and who you are in my life”
“Wha-what do you mean?”
His entire world was put in chaos as he repeats your word over and over. Forgotten? All those memories gone? He want to latch at you and scream and cry but he can only stare, hand at his chest as it beats too hard and painful for him to even breathe.
“I’m really sorry uh traveler? But guessing from your actions and words we must’ve been linked at some point in the past. I don’t know how I’ve forgotten someone important to me but I’m willing to make new ones with you. How does that sound-?”
He fell silent, even if all the memories you both once shared are gone, taken away when the Greater Lord was forgotten and passed away, along with the memories of the Balladeer, he'll take anything as long as he can stay by your side.
“Kuni, call me Kuni”
"Okay Kuni, how about we start over?" You dusted down your skirt as you stood up and offered your hand to him, “I’m Y/n, researcher of the Knights of Favonious at your service”
You cheerfully saluted him, laughing at your own actions.
“I’m Kuni the Wanderer”
Finally, in the midst of the darkness that has surrounded him all of his life, you shone like the brightest star in his sky, as your light pours through the appearing cracks, chasing after the storm as it breaks through the barrier and free him from his cage.
“The Wanderer huh? So you like to just wander off?”
“Shut up”
“Should’ve called you The Grumpiest”
“Archons…. You’re lucky I love you”
#scaramouche angst#genshin scaramouche#scaramouche x you#scaramouche x reader#scaramouche+x+reader#kunikuzushi#genshin impact#genshin#scaramouche fluff
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Illicit Affairs | Chapter X: Invisible String
Pairing: Neteyam x Human/Avatar!Reader
Chapter I Chapter II Chapter III Chapter IV Chapter V Chapter VI Chapter VII Chapter VIII Chapter IX
Synopsis: Back from the dead, you have to heal in order to be able to move on and be forever part of the people. You and Neteyam finally find each other, giving in to desires you've both had for years.
Warnings: SMUT (18+ minors DNI!!!), some angst, fluff, all the feels, so many feels, the end
Word Count: 14,7k words (i need to be stopped)
A/N: The last chapter of Ilicit Affairs is finally here!! It took me a lot longer than I thought to finish this, but that's because this chapter is longer than my first like 5 chapters combined. I don't know what happened hahahah. I'm so excited to share this with you, the conclusion and culmination of this whole story. I hope you find it a satisfying pay-off, and I'd love to hear allll of your thoughts. Honestly, replies and asks make my life and I cry a little bit every time someone interacts with my content. I hope you have enjoyed this journey, and make sure you read til the end for a (hopefully pleasant) surprise ;)
As always, thank you to everyone who asked to be tagged, I love you all sm!! Ok enjoy byeee x
“Isn't it just so pretty to think all along there was some invisible string tying you to me?
A string that pulled me out of all the wrong arms right into that dive bar
Something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire
Chains around my demons, wool to brave the seasons
One single thread of gold tied me to you”
Neteyam stood in the room that he knew so well now, he had memorised its cracks in the white walls, and he was holding your hand, slowly tracing the now-fading yellow bruises along your arm. He looked at the tube that was going into the nook of your elbow and followed his eyes along it, until it reached a little clear pouch with a liquid that was dripping slowly all the way into your body. You were talking animatedly with Kiri, Norm and Max, looking over a bunch of plants displayed on a table in front you. It was incredible to see you, you looked like a completely different person than you were a few days ago. As soon as you woke up, you asked for the treatment you worked on and got working, and your symptoms improved massively. You were still sick, and the virus was still there, not to mention the damage it had already done couldn’t be reversed, it had to be treated on day at a time. Norm said your lungs were getting better and your heart was too, but your kidneys, he thought they were called, still not cleared your blood properly, so you were still stuck in bed with a big tube coming out of your neck where it removed your blood and another tube where it returned it back to your body. Neteyam did not understand how any of this worked, but whatever science it took, he was grateful for. He did not leave your sight in this time, refusing to be parted with you for even more than a few minutes at a time. Jake helped Max and Norm bring in an extra large bed, like the ones made for Avatars and add it to the room next to your own bed, and he slept there, reaching over to hold you hand at all times.
There was so much between you that was still unsolved, still eating at his insides, but he did not want to overwhelm you or pain you in any way while in this state, so he was satisfied to just be near you and listen to your heavy breathing while you slept, and be comforted by the sound of the ECG machine letting him know you were still there, that your heart was still beating and it wasn’t stopping anytime soon.
“Ok, I think we need to start with how will we extract the proteins from these plants. I’ve not done protein extraction on plants, but I assume we can do some sort of chloroform or methanol precipitation? You and Grace used to work with plants a lot more than Max or I, so I think you would be the best at figuring it this out, no?” Neteyam looked at you with wide eyes, so perpetually impressed with your intelligence and drive, with how good you seemed to be at tackling any challenge. You were barely breathing properly, but here you were, trying to find a cure for this illness that almost took your life. The first full sentence you said after coming back to life was to Kiri, and he was a little jealous, but overall incredibly proud of you and your strength that felt like it could move mountains if you put all your might into it. Knowing you, he was sure this virus will be dead meat soon.
“Right, I can take care of the protein extraction, you can then run mass spectrometry on it and see what we’re working with. It’s going to be a lot of work, are you sure you don’t want us to take care of it? Until we figure out exactly which active ingredient in which one of these plants gets results, it’s nonstop. I don’t think you’re ready to be back to work yet.”
“I can’t sit back and do nothing. We’ll see how I feel, worst case scenario I do all the analysis from the comfort of this bed, deal?”
Norm was happy to hear that you weren’t being stubborn for once. Whatever happened to you when you died, you definitely seemed changed. As if death brought forth epiphanies that made you want to live, to heal. Neteyam was definitely not complaining.
After a while, everyone cleared, and you and Neteyam were left by yourselves. You turned around to watch him, giving him a little grin.
“You know you don’t have to stay here every minute of the day, right?”
“I disagree.”
You laughed heartily, your breath getting caught in your throat when the action made your lungs hurt, and the laughter turned to wincing, much to Neteyam’s dismay. Eventually, the wincing turned to sighing, and you didn’t look at him as you spoke again.
“Shouldn’t you be with your mate?”
It was his turn to wince, and he realised you probably couldn’t avoid talking about your issues forever.
“Do you really want to talk about this right now?”
“Neteyam… I won’t be the other woman. And I’m also not going to be the woman who steals a man from another, or who endorses whatever the hell this is. I need to make sure you are serious about this, about us. I might still not make the consciousness transfer. I need you to think about this, and if you do and you decide that it is me after all, then you need to talk to her. She deserves that, she deserves better than what she’s been getting. And I don’t want to be part of this until I know she is not being deceived or led on.”
“You are right. I will talk to her today, alright? But I’m not leaving you right now.”
“Do you want to watch a movie?”
You could feel yourself getting stronger by the day. It was a struggle still, your lungs feeling like they were going to explode any time you took a deep breath in and your heart oscillating between going a million miles a minute to barely functioning in the span of a day, but you were getting there. The combination treatment was definitely doing its job, and your body was no longer on the brink of collapse. Some colour returned to your cheeks in time, and since you have been eating about 15 meals a day because of how worried everyone was, you were gaining weight back, which was further increasing your day-to-day quality of life. You got a lot of sleep in the last few days, probably more combined than in the past few months, and you felt rested, for the first time in a really long time.
The first two days were the hardest, your body reeling from withdrawal on top of everything else you were experiencing. But you were feeling good today, and were trying to remain optimistic so as to not fall into old patterns. Having Neteyam next to you helped, your light in all the darkness, he refused to leave your sight, even in the face of more pressing matters.
The humans were closing in, you were told. The ships will be landing any day now, which only contributed to your slow recovery, as the anxiety was manifesting itself physically and hurting your progress. You felt stressed at the situation and more so at the thought that Neteyam wasn’t there, in the meetings and in practice, missing it all so he could stay with you. You hated it, worrying constantly and he wouldn’t hear it.
“It’s only a couple of days, Atan. Stop worrying.”
Today was the day they were going to remove the dialysis machine, which you were extremely excited about. You felt the need to walk, to stretch out your legs, to be back in the lab. You had a lot to do, a lot you had riding on this. You were trying not to think too hard on how you were doing everything in your power to further procrastinate healing, knowing that at some point you were going to have to deal with the trauma head on and open that damned drawer, that held all of your darkest memories, all of the things you spent your whole life pushing away. If you were going to be ready to heal, ready to move on, you had to do so with a clear conscience and a clean slate. You were adamant that you were going to find the cure for the virus and use it on yourself before you made a decision about the consciousness transfer. You had to be 100% sure of your choice, of your decision to leave this life behind forever, and you couldn’t do that if you viewed it as an escape from your current weak and disease-ridden body.
It took a while to be disconnected to the machine and get the tube out of your neck. From now on til you decide whether to go through with the transfer, you will have to do this for a few hours a day, which was a pain, but better than being bed ridden all day.
You put your feet on the ground for the first time in days, and you forced yourself to stand slowly, and quickly realised it was a bad idea, and your knees immediately buckled under you. Neteyam caught you with both his hands under your arms, and effortlessly raised you until your feet were a few inches above ground.
“Put me down! This is so embarrassing.” You groaned at your own impairment, and refused to give up, slowly starting to walk with shaky feeble steps. You felt both Norm and Neteyam hover over you, and although you were grateful for them, you wanted to scream at how upsetting it was making you having to be looked after like you were a baby taking her first steps. You guess, in some ways, you were.
You eventually got to your room, which looked untouched, if a little dusty. You were happy to see it again, happy to take it all in. It was a bit surreal, the whole experience. You didn’t realise how much it was all going to matter, all the little things, until you were dead on a hospital bed, begging Eywa for another chance. Every wall, every creak on the floor, every book, it all hit you suddenly, and you had to sit down on the ground, your back against the bed frame, so as to not collapse under the weight of this whole endeavour.
“Atan, are you alright?” Neteyam’s voice was laced with concern, and you tried to stop panting long enough to answer him.
“I’m fine, it’s just a lot.”
He slowly sat down next to you, struggling to squeeze in the tight space between the bed and the desk. His knee was brushing up against the side of the thigh, and you felt heat spread from the touch through your entire body. He gently raised one hand to the side of your face, removing strands of hair that were falling on it and tucking them behind your ear.
“Talk to me, Atan. I want to know, I want to help.”
You felt tears pool in your eyes, and you couldn’t look at him, couldn’t look anywhere but the ground as the words got lodged in your throat. This was going to be much harder than you thought.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Neteyam. I’m sorry that I almost died, that I did die, and that you had to witness it. I’m sorry for not telling you, I am sorry for not fighting harder, I am sorry for so many things.” Hot tears were falling on your arm laying in your lap and you struggled to find the words to speak. “I am still so mad at you, so mad that you left, so mad that you lied, so mad that you never told me how you felt about me, so mad about so many things, but I shouldn’t have kept this from you. We’ve been inseparable since birth, and no matter what happened, you deserved to know, you all deserved to know. You deserved to say goodbye. I am sorry I took that from you.”
You were both crying now, and he picked you up and placed in his lap with little visible effort, it was probably easier for him than carrying Tuk. You wrapped your arms around his neck and slid your legs around him to wrap around his back and you stood there, crying in the crook of his neck while he held you tightly, trying not to hurt you.
“I am sorry for leaving. Sorry for not talking to you about how I felt, sorry about giving up on you. I should have stayed and helped you heal, I should have been there for you to rely on instead of being yet another thing you had to deal with in this life. I am sorry about lying about Tiongli, I am sorry for not telling them all no from the beginning. Even without the Avatar, there was only one woman in this whole world I would ever belong to, and I would have been happy spending my whole life in this lab, if it meant doing it with you. I was scared, and I am sorry.”
He removed your head slowly from the crook of his neck, and grasped the side of you face with one of his hands, thumb trailing over your lips, tracing them from your cupid’s bow to your lower lips, and you shuddered at the touch, deep desire pooling within you.
“I love you so much. I have loved you my whole life, from the moment I was born, and I will love you until the moment I die. I am so sorry it took me so long to grow, but I am ready now. Whatever it is, I will brave it with you, and for you. You will never have to do this alone again.”
You were sobbing now, unmoored at his confession that you have waited for your entire life. You were so overwhelmed by the love and affection you felt for this man, for the appreciation of knowing he was willing to hear the deepest, darkest parts of your soul and share in that pain willingly.
“I love you too. I missed you so much.”
After crying it out on the crook of his neck, letting your human hands caress the soft blue skin of his back and chest while he held you, fingers running up and down your spine in a comforting motion, you eventually got up from his lap slowly, and crawled on all your fours to your messy old desk. You took a key that was taped to the underside of your chair, and, with a deep sigh and tired eyes, unlocked the bottom drawer of the desk. You took out just one thing. A bracelet. You smiled at the sight, and tightened it around your arm multiple times so it fit on your human form. You looked at Neteyam coyly, giving him a soft smile, and you saw his hand reaching for his own bracelet, with a gummy smile and tears in his eyes.
Maybe you could do this after all.
You eventually started working in the lab again, being a lot more careful about striking a balance between work and everything else in your life. You were still struggling to sleep, especially now that Norm and Max flushed every pill you had down the toilet, but you were trying your best. The best was when Neteyam slept over, and you just fell asleep flush against his bare body, whose warmth melted away all your nightmares and replaced them with much better, much lewder ones. You weren’t getting anywhere with your research, as Kiri found a lot of plants in the forest, and to do mass spectrometry and proteomics on so many proteins, and analysing them all was an impossible task in the time you had left. So in an afternoon, as you were hanging out with her, Lo’ak, Spider and Neteyam in the hub, guitar strumming in your hands, you had a lightbulb moment.
“Kiri, if you had to save one plant, just one on this whole planet, which one would it be?” Kiri was special. Whenever the rest of the kids argued over her heritage, making crude jokes about Grace and Norm, trying to figure out who her dad is, you always had a different hypothesis, that you never said out loud. Kiri was Eywa’s child, as much as Grace’s. She was the key to everything. Eywa was flowing through her, guiding her, and you believed she had a lot more up her sleeve than any of you knew, than even she knew.
“Hmmm, that is a hard question.” She looked deep in thought for a long time, and eventually it’s like a huge epiphany was released from her mind. “Pamtseowll!!”
“The Cat Ear plant? Are you sure?”
“I think so! I don’t know why that one, but that’s the only thing that came to mind, and when I thought about it, I just knew it was the right one! Why do you ask?”
You raised from the ground, placed the guitar on a bench next to you, and ran (more like walked at slightly increased velocity than normal) to her, kissing her forehead in a loud smooch.
“I’ll let you know!! Wait here!!”
You talked to Norm, telling him your hunch and asking him to treat a vial of the infected blood with the liquid extracted from the plant in question, that you already had in stock thanks to Kiri. It would take a while, but you were buzzing in excitement, feeling extremely positively about your idea and your new odds. You made it back to the hub where they were all waiting for you, and sat back on the ground, mischievously ignoring their curious glares.
“Are you going to tell us what this was all about?” Spider said, rolling your eyes at your antics.
“Nope.”
They eventually dropped it, and you sat together, talking about everything and nothing, trying to ignore the looming doom of the ships slowly making their way to Pandora’s atmosphere, and the deadly consequences that would follow them.
You picked up the guitar again, deep in thought. Before you could help yourself, you found yourself speaking.
“I saw my mum.”
Everybody stopped and stared at you in shock. None of them said anything, and you swore you could hear a hairpin drop for sure in this big hall, or your heart pounding in your ears.
“When I died…” you started cautiously, not even knowing why you started talking in the first place, but knowing it was too late to back off now. “…I woke up in this new place I have never seen before. Eventually, I realised I was on Earth, in my mum’s childhood home. There were pictures of her on the wall, with her parents, she looked young, and happy… and alive.”
“Her house overlooked the ocean, and I went and sat on the beach and she came. Like it was nothing, she just came to me, and sat me down, and watched me cry on her shoulder until I thought I was running out of tears.”
This bit was easy enough to speak about, now came the real problem. You swallowed the big lump in your throat and continued. “She told me she did the same things I did. That she had been sad, so very sad, ever since my father died, the kind of sad that never goes away, the kind of sad I am.” You couldn’t look at them, preferring the look of your guitar that you were holding on to dear life as you spoke, and saw small tears crashing into the strings, splattering everywhere. “She said she didn’t try… to stay alive, to heal. Just like I didn’t. She said she had a choice, and she chose to die, because the hurt was too much for her to bear. She left me, orphaned me, put me through so much pain I’m still dealing with a decade later.”
You heard small gasps and sharp breath intakes and the new information, but couldn’t stop to acknowledge it, needing it out of your soul as soon as possible. “I was so hurt, so mad at her. That she left, that she didn’t fight harder to be in my life, that she left me with so many scars because of her selfishness. And then it dawned on me… that was me. I did that to you. To all of you. And I am sorry. I am so sorry.”
They all slowly sat up from where they sat and gathered around you in a circle, and hugged you.
“We forgive you. We’re just happy you’re still here. We love you, we want you to know that you’ll always be able to talk to us. You’ll always have us. We’re a family. Sullys stick together.”
You felt each of these words deep within you, the forgiveness something you craved like air, and you realised how much it must have meant to your mum. You were happy you could do that for her. You were happy something good came out of all the misery.
Later that day, all the Sully kids left, and you went to your room, carrying your guitar in your hands, and found yourself again, sitting on the ground, reaching for the bottom drawer key and unlocking it with shaky hands and muffled cries. It was time. You reached inside it for a photo album, with old school printed photos on it, and opened it. Your heart was hurting so badly you needed to place your hand on your hand to try to settle it, settle the pain and agony you felt. The first photo was a photo of you and your mum in the medical ward, holding you tightly against her chest, looking really tired with the caption “you had just been born a couple hours ago, how crazy is that?”. The second one - a photo of you, as a tiny baby, only a few days old by the scribbling on it. Countless photos of you, in various stages of growth, in various positions, all captioned by your mother, who loved you more than anything else in this world and whose love was loud and clear in every one of these images. The tears kept falling off the laminated pages and onto your legs, and your anguished cries took over the music playing in the background. An image of you and Neteyam, in a crib, his body much larger than yours even as tiny infants, but you were holding hands, sleeping peacefully next to each other. An image of your mum with Neytiri and Jake, smiling widely for the camera. A photo of your mum in her Avatar body with all the Sully kids, her holding Tuk in her arms when she was just born. An image of her in the lab, mid laugh with a pipette gun in her hand - no one would ever have been able to tell how much hurt she was hiding underneath, how close she was to death. Finally, an image of her and your dad, taken by your dad, of them looking into each other’s eyes lovingly. The caption, blurred and blotched from dried tear stains, read “the love of my life, the light in all the darkness”. You closed the album panting, and brought it close to your heart, just holding on to it while you cried.
You were spent by the end, but wanted to push through, needing to get this done all in one go. You removed another thing from the drawer, a camera, the gift Jake have you for your birthday. You eventually sat on your desk chair, and plugged it into your laptop. You clicked on the only file on it, and gasped at your mum’s face appearing on the screen, smiling while adjusting the camera to centre her face. She started speaking, and you clung to every word, making sure her voice and words will forever be imprinted on your mind.
“My child,
I know it’s been a while since you have since my face.” she says with a small laugh.
“I’m making this tape for your 18th birthday, as this should be around the time when your Avatar is ready for you to use. I gave Norm and the rest of them notes and doodles and research and I think they can do it, my love. I think they can build you the ramps new life, one amongst the Na’vi. I am so excited for you, you have no idea.
Happy birthday, bunny. You will forever be the best and brightest thing I will have ever achieved. I am more sorry than you will ever know that I don’t get to see you grow up, see the beautiful, intelligent, caring and loving person you already are blossom into so much more, but I want you to know, more than anything, that I have no regrets.
I have lived my life exactly the way I wanted to. I have explored new worlds, I have contributed something good to the world, I have lived and I have loved deeply and unconditionally. I just hope you do, too. I hope this world doesn’t break you, my love. I hope it doesn’t snuff out your light, because in that case, I will have failed you, and I am so sorry.
I know you are sad, and I know you have probably been sad for a while, and I know this life is emotionally abusive, and it takes and takes and takes until there’s nothing left. But it’s also worth living. Because you can learn to take from it, too. You can learn to heal, and love and live, and replace whatever it took in time with even better fitted pieces. But in order to do that, you have to live, my love.
Even at 10, you have a tendency to keep sadness in, and don’t let it out. That’s something you got from me, and I’m sorry for that. I love that you got my eyes, and my addiction to music and my love for science and literature, but baby, I don’t want you to be like me in every way. You also have a tendency to isolate, and that, you also got from me. I’m hoping that will change in time, I’m hoping Neteyam, and Spider, and Lo’ak and Kiri, and eventually Tuk will be able to break through and allow their light to shine on the dark walls of this lab. But if not, I’m hoping this Avatar will.
I want you to know that it’s alright to hurt, and it’s alright to be scared and wonder if the path you’ve taken is the correct one. We all wonder through this life scared and confused and a little alone. But it’s up to us to want to make a change and it’s worth it, baby. I know opening yourself up to hurt is scary and hard, but it will also allow to love, to love fully and deeply, to give yourself to others and have them give themselves to you. There’s beauty in this world and this life, but you need to be brave to experience it.
Your dad and I love you very much. Enjoy this Avatar, and enjoy all that it can bring to your life. You are the brightest light of my life, and now it’s time for you to become another’s.”
You replayed the video until you were so spent, your eyes were closing painfully from the tiredness and hurt and tears. After that, you went to your bed, still clinging to the photo album, and fell asleep, to a song you hoped one day you’ll be strong enough to play yourself, but for now had to settle for the original.
I should've asked you questions, I should've asked you how to be
Asked you to write it down for me, should've kept every grocery store receipt
Cause every scrap of you would be taken from me
Watched as you signed your name Marjorie
All your closets of backlogged dreams, and how you left them all to me...
Norm came bursting through the door of your bedroom, waking you up in a panic. “What the fuck, Norm??”
“We did it.” He came to your bedroom and took you by the shoulders, shaking you. He screamed and jumped in the air.
“WE FUCKING DID IT, ACE!”
You jumped from the bed onto your knees, so you were almost face to face.
“WHAT? ARE YOU FOR REAL?”
“YES, OH MY GOD, YES!”
You jumped on him and he caught you, and you just spun around in your tiny room, laughing and screaming at the beginning of your new life.
Thank you, mum. For looking after me even after you’ve gone. Thank you.
You had to toil a bit with details, but by midday, you were ready to get the substance, now purified and diluted in appropriate medium for being inserted in a human body. You watched as Norm prepared, and held your breath as he injected it into your now healed veins. You didn’t know whether it would work, or how many doses you would need, this was all so new, it was kind of crazy you were willing to inject it in your body with so little information, but you trusted your mum, and you trusted Kiri, and you trusted Eywa.
You felt good. So good, in fact, you knew exactly what you wanted to do.
Neteyam was in the village, in a deep strategy meeting about how they were going to approach the upcoming threat looming over everybody. His mind was only half listening, the other half too busy with musings of you. What were you doing? Have you eaten? Did you take your treatment? He was worried about you after yesterday, and felt guilty he didn’t stick around for the night in case you needed him. He is pulled out of his train of thought when he hears a loud banshee scream, and everyone’s attention turns to the entrance of the tent, to which everyone rushes. When Neteyam makes his way outside, his mouth drops at the sight of you, beautiful and wild, free on top of your golden white ikran.
You were radiant, smiling widely at him while you removed your queue and your visors and brought your hand to your forehead and greeted everyone at the meeting.
“Hey, kid.” The Sully patriarch came over and gave you a big hug, a conflicted look on his face. “Are you sure it’s ok for you to use your Avatar?”
“We did it, Jake. We found the cure.”
His mother and father both gasped loudly at the news and hugged you tightly, and you held on to them with all your might, pouring all of your love and apologies into it. Neteyam was too stunned to say anything, pure bliss escaping his body in the form of silent tears, that he wiped immediately from his face - he was in a meeting with all the warriors, there couldn’t be tears.
“I’m actually here to steal the future Olo’eyktan, if that’s ok with everyone. I will bring him back in one piece, I promise.”
“Fine, but don’t be too late. I don’t want to have to use the radio, am I making myself clear?”
“Yes, sir.”
Neteyam saw you click your tongue towards where you were standing, and felt a ping of arousal at your sight, at your confident demeanour. You used to be such a wild girl before life got too much for you to bear. He hoped he’d get to see that in you again, just like he was now. His hands made their way to his mouth and formed a circle around it, and he screamed loudly for his ikran, which appeared quickly and landed next to yours. He connected the queue and both of you took flight at the same time.
You flew like that for a while, and he was mystified at the experience. He has spent so much of his time riding with other people, flying as much a chore as a delight, but nothing that will ever be able to top this. You were screaming, fiercely and ferociously, doing barrel rolls in midair on your beautiful banshee, laughing loudly and urging her to almost bump into him, to which he gasped in mock annoyance and returned the favour. He followed you to the Hallelujah mountains, all the way to a cave on one of the floating rocks. It was beautiful, and he thought it would probably be breathtaking at night. You both landed, panting from the adventure, and made your ways to each other after petting your ikrans affectionately.
His hands immediately found your face, holding you tightly to look deep into your eyes. Your eyes softened looking at him, and he could see himself in them, looking intense and troubled.
“Did you really do it?”
You raised you own hand and brushed an unwieldy braid from his face, gently tugging it behind his ear. He saw your tail swish enthusiastically.
“We really did it.”
Neteyam’s mouth immediately found yours, desperate for your touch, the feeling of relief washing over him and it was so intense this is the only way it could be manifested. He needed you, craved your touch, craved the closeness, craved to make up for all the time you two lost. You moaned into the kiss and deepened it, opening your mouth, inviting his tongue to meet yours and dance in the way that made you both weak in the knees. You put your hand on his chest and pushed him and it caught him off guard, because he tipped backwards and hit the ground with a painful thud. You smirked and raised an eyebrow, and he moaned at the sight. You immediately got on top of him, straddling his lap and pulling him by his chest piece until your lips met his again. Your hands went into his hair and his did the same, and you let out a wail when he pulled on it, making your head tilt backwards, giving him access to your neck that he attacked mercilessly, leaving trails of his presence all over you. You felt him, hard against your core that was dripping in arousal, and you thoughtlessly starting grinding against him, feeling your mind flooded with sensations you never wanted to let go of.
“Neteyam, we can’t.” It hurt you saying these words, it was taking every ounce of self discipline you had, which at the moment was almost none.
“Yes, we can. In fact, I think it would be irresponsible of us not to.”
You laughed, smacking his chest playfully at his words. You brought your hand to his face and caressed it softly, and he closed his eyes in bliss.
“I want to do this properly. I will be one of you soon, for the rest of my life. I want to do this your way. I want to be mated to you the Na’vi way. Then we can do whatever you want, however you want. Deal?” You raised an eyebrow at him, smiling mischievously.
“Only if you stop raising your eyebrow at me, otherwise I make no promises.”
You laughed again, and laid next to him with your head on his chest, hoping this moment could last forever.
“Hey, I have to do something, and it won’t be pleasant. I was going to go alone, but I’ve made a promise to not go about everything alone. So if your offer still stands, would you like to come with me?”
You felt Neteyam’s hand stop caressing your hair like it had been for a while. He starts getting up, pushing your head off his chest slowly in the process. He looked serious, concerned, but he had a calming smile on, and when he took your hands in his and held them tightly, you knew you were gonna be ok.
“Let’s go.”
You got on your ikrans and flew back to the forest, feeling comforted by the knowledge he was there, next to you. You didn’t have to do this alone. You landed in the clearing next to the exo suit that belonged to you dad. Your heart was picking up pace from the sight, but it was time. It was time to work through it.
You slid off Neyn’s back and made your way to the suit, running your hands over it to remove some of the vines and eventually reaching for the dash cam. It was probably long dead, but you had to try, especially after what your mum said. You fiddled with the screen for a while, and eventually, it turned on, making you jump out of your skin.
In the view of the camera stood a man, tall and bald, wearing military clothing and reloading the guns that came with the suit. You’ve seen him before, in a photo in one of the jackets you found rummaging for clothes to wear. His name was Lyle Weinfleet.
“Captain, I think if we go through this clearing, we should be closing in on the tree of souls in about 3 clicks.”
“You’re right. But I don’t think we should do it.”
Lyle looked stunned, and he stopped whatever he was doing to turn around and look and your dad. “Barlowe, what are you talking about?”
“This is wrong, Lyle. You know it, I know it, everyone here fucking knows it. And if you don’t, you’re even a bigger psychopath than I thought you were. We have to go back.”
“I’m not fucking going anywhere, Captain. These freaks are going to kill all of us if they get their way. Someone has to stop them.”
Your dad picked up his gun and pointed it at him. “Are you disobeying direct orders, lieutenant?”
“You’re not my squad leader, Captain. And I have orders from above.”
A fight ensued which eventually resulted in the destruction of both the exo suits. Your dad got out of the suit, and the last time the camera picked up was Weinfleet running at him with a knife.
You lowered the screen and sat in silence for a long time. Neteyam’s hands were rubbing up and down your arms, and you felt his chest radiating heat on your back. You were happy to have him here, as the new influx of information was overwhelming enough to make you dizzy. Your dad didn’t attack on that fateful night 19 years ago. Everything you believed your entire life was false.
“My dad was not a horrible person.” Neteyam said nothing and just stood by your side, allowing you to process everything at your own pace.
“I hated him my whole life. I felt so much guilt at his actions, the murders I thought he committed plagued my mind for years and years. I was too scared to come to the village because I thought he was responsible for the decimation of your people.”
“You came from him, you share his blood. There was no way he could have been that bad. Not with you as his daughter.”
You scoffed lightly at his comment, but were so happy he was here. You took him by the hand and walked him to the body that was now only a pile of bones. You looked further in the clearing, and realised another set of bones was settled in the ground a few meters from your dad’s. Good, you thought.
“I’d like to bury him, if that’s alright with you?”
You gathered all the bones and walked to a tree whose roots were hanging partially above the ground, creating a little cove. Rays of light were hitting it, and you knew then it would be the perfect place. You placed his remains there, and gathered flowers and ornate twigs that had fallen on the ground, and decorated the little space as well as you could.
“Thank you, dad.” You were comforted at the thought that, although he died on this foreign planet alone, he was loved, and now, he will be mourned.
You made it back to the village together, walking and holding hands, trying to get your mind off all the epiphanies you have had to undergo in the past few days. Healing was hard work, you snickered to yourself. You made it to the tent you knew Jake and the rest of the warriors would be.
“There you are. Was starting to get worried.”
“Ah, there’s nothing to be worried about, pops.” You laughed at Jake’s shocked expression and the way his eyes softened immediately as a response to your new nickname.
He had to wipe that expression off his face. He was Olo’eyktan. He was Toruk Makto, this was not inspiring leadership.
“Right. The humans will be here any day now. I think we will have to move our base of operations in the Hallelujah mountains, somewhere they can’t find us, where the flux is too strong for their equipment. It’s going to be a big ask, and a big adjustment, but it is necessary. You know the first place they will look is at the hub. And it won’t take long for them to find the village either.”
What he was saying made sense, but it filled you with a sense of grief. This forest, that hub, those labs, this village, is all you’ve ever known. To have to leave it for an undetermined amount of time, maybe forever, was hurting your heart. You knew Neteyam felt the same, you knew they all felt the same. Jake was a marine, strong and adaptable, he was an incredible person to have around in a crisis. But he didn’t quite understand what it means to belong to only one place, to only know one reality that was going to be uprooted and taken from you. That takes time, time you didn’t have.
“I think we should do the ceremony tonight. You have completed the Iknimaya, you are to be one of us now. It’s time, if you want it.”
You peered up at him, in shock, but the beating of your heart was so loud because it was excited, it was happy. It’s time. You knew it in your heart it was right, this time. You belonged here. Your mum worked so hard for you to get to do this, she foresaw this 18 years ago. Your dad gave his life for yours, even without knowing it. You owed them this, owed them your life and this new one you were about to get.
“And tomorrow, we can do the transfer, if you are ready.”
By nightfall, you were ready. Your hair was freshly braided, in a pattern different to what the Na’vi wear, but you wanted it to be a mix of Na’vi and human braiding. You had all new clothes, and Kiri was in your tent, painting your body in white lines, as was the tradition. She looked radiant, happy and beautiful, like she always was.
“How are you feeling?
“Nervous.”
“There’s nothing to be nervous about. You belong here, you always have, even when you were human. This is just formality at this point.”
“Kiri… I want to thank you. You saved my life. Your plants, your mind saved my life. I wouldn’t do this if it wasn’t for you.”
“You saved your life. You asked me, you did the work, you found the cure. The Na’vi will be forever grateful to you, and Max and Norm, I hope you know that.”
“How about we say it was a team effort?” You laughed together and you kissed her forehead. You loved her so much, your sister for life.
Neteyam saw your body, adorning all new garbs, a golden frilly loincloth and green, violet and gold beaded top that hung from your neck to reveal a bare back that made Neteyam’s body beam with desire. Your left arm was decorated with a bracelet, the same bracelet he was wearing, the one that he gave to you when he was ten, that was now proudly shining on your person rather than hiding in a drawer, masking pain. You had bracelets around your ankles as well, that were softly clinking every time you took a step. Your hair was soft and braided in a pattern that was unlike the Na’vi ways, and it was fitting, Neteyam thought. You would never be only Na’vi - you were more, not quite human, not quite one of them, you were the most beautiful aspects of both and Neteyam felt his heart skip a beat at the sight, one which will never cease to take his breath away. You were his, forever. How did he get so lucky?
Almost as if you could hear him, you slowly turned around and he saw your eyes searching the crowd until they found him, and your face immediately broke out into a beaming smile, that slowly changed into a gaze filled with yearning and love….and lust. Neteyam gulped audibly at your expression, so intense it was making him crazed enough to almost consider taking you away right now, ceremony be damned, and coax screams out of you he would be sure anyone else would cower in shame at. But not you. You were his match, his twin flame, and he knew whatever he wanted to take from you, the screams, the pleasured pains, the moans and panted breaths, you would give willingly, and would take his in return, until you were both so spent you collapsed in aching bliss.
He waited though, despite his progressively harder to ignore twitch, knowing he wouldn’t, couldn’t rob you of this moment, knowing the waiting and anticipation would be worth it in the end.
The ceremony was ethereal, magical, and he couldn’t help reminisce about his own, years and years ago. The people all stood around you, waiting for the Olo’eyktan to say the words that will make it official. Neteyam saw his father approach you, wearing all the garbs worthy of a chief of the Omatikaya, and placed both his arms on your shoulders, smiling proudly. You were a Sully now, for all intents and purposes, and his father looked at you the same way he looked at all his children. Neteyam’s heart swelled at the sight, taking in the familial interaction.
“Ngenga 'ite Omatikayaä luyu set. Na'viyä luyu hapxì. (You are now a daughter of the Omaticaya. You are part of The People.)”
Neteyam made his way by your side, and he watched as the rest of his family did the same. He placed both of his hands on your body, one over your heart, and the other on your back. His family did the same, and he noticed tears in everyone’s eyes, including yours and his own. This was a moment none of them thought they’d get to see, that you never expected to experience, and Neteyam said a silent prayer to Eywa, thanking her for bringing the love of his life back to him, and into the clan.
After the celebration, you excused yourself from everyone, tired and dazed, as well as too impatient to wait for what you have wanted, needed for days, months, years. You found Neteyam casually talking to some friends, and you touched his back lightly, so lightly it was barely there. He shuddered minutely, and turned his body to face you. He took your breath away, always, but particularly today, in this light, under these circumstances, wearing his ornate clothes and that bracelet, the one that you would both wear for the rest of your lives. That one that meant forever.
“Come.” He said, and he looked at you like you were a meal that he’s been starved from, that he was going to devour. You bit your lip in excitement and followed him.
You went for a swim in a tiny lake not too far from the village. You swam together like that for hours, kissing and touching each other under the water, just feeling him. The anticipation was building strongly, and as the last of the paint on your body dissipated, you left, with hurried steps, quickly making your way towards the Tree of Souls.
Your entire body stalled at the sight. You have seen images of it, areal videos taken from drones and helicopters, you saw it all, and yet nothing could have prepared you for the beauty of this place, for its magnitude and significance. The air felt thick, charged with energy, and you could hear whispers all around you, soft, almost imperceptible, but they were there. Eywa was here, just like she was all around you, but here, you felt her stronger, almost palpably so. You made your way through the willow-like branches, seeing the purple hue illuminate your skin, and you just walked, taking it all in, touching it, experiencing it fully. You were so happy, it made you anxious. You’ve never felt happiness like this, and you were scared it wasn’t going to last, scared of knowing that the fall from such a high would break all of your bones, crush you forever. You felt Neteyam’s gaze on you, electrifying every inch of your body its gaze was touching. You could feel him, in your bones, you knew what he was feeling, what he was thinking. You shared a soul, you always have. “He is more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”
You looked at him and your breath hitched in your throat at the sight; he was the most gorgeous human you have ever seen. He was beautiful and angelic and looking at you like you were prey that he wanted to exert complete control over - and you didn’t mind. You wanted him so badly and you have waited for this for what feels like lifetimes. You knew looking at this man in front of you that you would allow him to ruin you, you would beg him to kill you softly, slowly drive out any ounce of sanity from your body orgasm by orgasm until there was nothing left of you but the echoes of moans you couldn’t help exhale. It was almost desperate, your need for him, and you heard your breath become laboured, panting with craving and ache. You saw him make his way towards you slowly, and stopped only when he was towering over you, and you had to bring your chin up to be able to look into his eyes. His hands immediately found your jaw, that he gripped tightly, making sure you weren’t going to look away from him, from that gaze that drove you mad and made you throb in pain, begging to be filled, craving sweet release.
“You’re mine. I can’t believe you’re mine. I have waited for so long, I have dreamt about this for years. The one thing I have wanted more than life itself and you are here. You’re mine. Forever.”
You were fully panting now, not even an ounce of shame on your features. You wanted him, you wanted him to know what he was doing to you. Wanted him to control you, to possess you, to take what was his, what has been his and will be his forever.
“Say it. I need to hear you say it, Atan.”
His grip on your jaw tightened, and you moaned, unable to stop yourself, not wanting to stop yourself.
“I am yours, Neteyam. I have always been yours. I will always be yours. It’s you and me, forever.”
It was his turn to moan, gaze turning animalistic now, in a way that you felt within you, deep within you, and you knew you were dripping wet now, knew he was going to love it, was going to revel in it, and you smirked at the thought.
You saw him stop and reach back for his queue. You gasped silently at the sight, but smiled at the thought he wanted this, that after this, you would be his for life. You reached back for yours, and you both held them close to each other, just out of reach, looking deeply in each other’s eyes.
“Do you trust me?”
“You know I do. I trust you, Neteyam, do whatever you want to me. I’m yours to take, I’m yours.”
“Forever?”
“Forever.” You joined the queues and nothing in the world could have ever prepared you for the overwhelming sensations and feelings, for the intense intimacy of feeling Neteyam’s deepest desires and emotions, for how deep his love and care for you actually ran, for how desperate he was to own you, to make you his. You felt his breathing and his heartbeat, and he felt yours and the desire you both felt exploded all around you.
He aggressively smashed his lips into yours, both of you moaning at the contact, at the need that enveloped both your beings like the rushing water of the river you loved swimming in together. Your fingers immediately made their way into his hair, his beautiful hair that seemed to sometimes have a life of its own, and thinking of how hot you found it made you only more enthusiastic, gripping at it tightly and pulling on it. He smirked in the kiss, parting your lips enough to look at you with a mischievous grin that you loved more than you could put into words. You loved this man - you loved his kindness and compassion and sacrificial streak and patience, but you loved this side of him more, the side only you ever got to experience, that no one else knew about. How passionate and adventurous he was, how masculine and possessive of what was his he was, how wild and untamed a streak he hid under the well-behaved and poised demeanour. How well he matched you. Your twin flame. He placed both of his hands on you thighs, just underneath your ass, and lifted you effortlessly, and you instantly wrapped both your legs around him, never breaking the kiss, that was now just a mess of panted moans, lips and intertwined tongues. You felt your back hit a tree bark and you gasped, breaking the kiss and watching as the action left a trail of spit in between you. His mouth moved to your neck, that he sucked and licked until it was hurting, and he pushed you into the tree, trying to remove whatever space there still was in between you two. As he did so, you felt his chest and pelvis push aggressively into you, and you whined when you felt his dick brush up against you core, hard as a rock and hitting a spot that was making you lose your ability to see around you. He started moving his hips into yours, drawing circles into your pelvis and you matched him, desperate for release, desperate to want to give him your first of many orgasms of the night. You weren’t going to be satisfied until he made you cry in pain, in pleasure, until the line between them was blurred.
Neteyam saw your breathing quickened and he smirked in a way that only made further pleasure pool in your depths. “Coming already, my love? You wanted me that badly, huh?”
“Dick.”
“You’ll get that later, too.”
You wanted to laugh, but couldn’t do anything but mewl in agonising ecstasy as he hit a spot that immediately made you see stars and you rode out your first orgasm, crying into the crook of his neck.
“Good girl.” He didn’t let you come down from you high, as he removed your body from the tree and placed you on the mossy, comfortable ground, and both his hands went on your knees, making sure you were keeping them apart, as soon as he could feel you wanting to close them to accommodate for your post-orgasm sensitivity.
“No, Atan. You wanted this, remember? You have to keep your pretty legs spread for me.”
The entire world was spinning around you, a mess of purple, pink and white, as he traced his hands slowly, too slowly, painfully slowly up your thighs, until he reached your hips, where you loincloth was tightened, and you felt him make quick work of the knot, inhaling deeply as he took it off from you and saw you for the first time.
“Fuck, Atan. I feel like I could come just from looking at you. Look at you, a fucking writhing mess and I haven’t done anything yet. Look at this,” he said as he place a hand in between your folds, removing the slick that was so abundant it was now dripping down your ass, “Look at how wet you are for me, and I haven’t even touched you yet. The shit I want to do to you, Atan, will make Eywa regret ever making this tree part of the mating ritual.”
You saw him slowly lowering his head towards you legs, kissing and biting roughly up your thigh until you were screaming in pain. “Shh, Atan.” He drew circles in your thighs as he continued his onslaught to comfort you to some extent, except it was only lighting your skin on fire, only strengthening your need for that second release.
“Fuck, Neteyam, please.”
“Begging so soon, my love? What do you need?”
“You. Your tongue, your fingers, anything. Fuck, please!”
“Well, since you said please.”
He smirked again, the asshole, and you felt him licking your pussy from your entrance to your clit, and at the moan he released as he did so, you convulsed so violently you needed a while to settle, still trying desperately to close your thighs to make the sensation more bearable.
“Stop that, or I’ll stop. Do you want me to stop, my love?” He looked at you through hooded eyes and giving you a wild look that made you clench around nothing, and your hands found his head and you pushed him back into you, annoyed that he stopped, already upset at the thought that he wasn’t going to be doing this every minute for the rest of your life. If you had your way, he would. That’s all you would do. He laughed, but obliged, and continued his attack on your lips, messily kissing and licking, pushing his tongue deep within you, like your pussy held the potion for eternal life and he wanted to live in you forever.
“Fuck, Atan, you taste so good. So good, how am I ever supposed to stop, huh?” You started grinding your hips around him, moaning loudly and you saw him dry humping the ground, trying to get some of his own release. The primal animalistic action was enough to push you over the edge again, coming all over his tongue, that was still lapping at your insides, without any intention to stop.
You tried to push him away, the feeling so overwhelming it was bordering painful, your clit so red and sensitive now it was glaring and obvious, but he didn’t relent.
“Fuck, you are intoxicating. Come on, baby, I’m not nearly done. We’re not nearly done.” He pushed two fingers in you, which was incredibly easy with the amount of slick and cum you were continuously releasing. Although so sensitive, you immediately clenched around him, taking him in, and felt the familiar ache slowly building in you again. He pushed his fingers deeper, until his knuckles made contact with your folds, and you felt his thumb slowly, gently rubbing your throbbing clit as his fingers were hitting your g spot mercilessly. The stimulation was too much, and you felt yourself seeking yet another orgasm, bucking your hips wildly against his fingers.
“That’s right, Atan. Let me see you come all over my fingers.” That’s all you needed to hear, and almost on command, you felt yourself coating his long digits with your cum. He removed his fingers from inside you and you cried out at the loss, but he didn’t care, too busy staring at his fingers, covered in the clear viscous liquid enveloping them. He brought both fingers to his mouth and he took them both in and sucked on them, and immediately kissed you, messily and forcefully, and you moaned at the vulgarity of it, and the taste of your own orgasms on his tongue, which was exploring your mouth like he had your folds earlier. You loved it, loved all of it, drunk on the feeling, on the connection you felt to this man that knew you, so well, so deeply, knew your body instinctually, like he touched you and had you all his life, and you squirmed when you realised that now you had a whole life to do this, every day, you would never have to live without this feeling again.
“Do you feel how good you taste, Atan? Fuck. I will never get enough of this.”
With one swift motion, he removed your top from around your neck and took its place, squeezing your throat until you couldn’t breathe anymore, slowly choking you. You threw your head back and arched your back, eyes fluttering shut, just taking in this feeling, of being completely owned, completely in someone else’s control. It was exhilarating.
“Look at you. Look at how you give in to me, it makes me fucking crazy.” He squeezed harder. “You drive me fucking crazy. I have dreamt about fucking you for so long. So many nights, having to stroke my cock imagining it was your mouth instead, you have no idea how badly I need you. How entirely and completely yours I am. You own me. My soul and my mind. It’s only fair I own your body.”
The hand that wasn’t around your throat went to his loincloth, that he removed skilfully, letting it drop to the ground around him. Your eyes fluttered open to take him in, his glorious body and that magnificent cock, that was even bigger that you ever dreamt, and you struggled to gulp in the position you were currently in. Your pussy clenched fully at the sight, and you were drooling now, saliva pooling around your mouth that you licked off like a kitty looking at her favourite meal. His fist wrapped around the girth of his cock and he started pumping himself, and you were close to being done again just at the sight, never in your life seeing anything more sensual, more erotic. You needed him inside of you now.
“Fuck, please, Neteyam. I need you in me.”
“I know, Atan. I need to be in you. I need to feel you milking me, like the good girl I know you are.”
With a couple more strokes, he lined himself at your entrance and slowly, deliberately, agonisingly pushing in, one inch at a time, stretching you deliciously, fully until he bottommed out, and you could feel him hitting your cervix, you could see his bulge in your lower abdomen. It drove you to the point of madness.
Your hand went to his ass, trying to push him even further in, despite not thinking it was actually possible for him to go anywhere else, but it was still not enough, never enough.
He removed your hand and gathered both of them and pushed them above your head, pining them to the ground with enough force that you couldn’t move them anymore.
“No, Atan. You don’t get to dictate this. We go at my speed.” And with those words, he started rutting into you brutally, giving you no time to adjust to him or to the pace. It was rough and wild and out of control, everything you have ever desired in your darkest, best fantasies. It was so dirty, so wrong it made your insides squirm in pleasure, in uninhibited bliss.
He maintained his pace for so long it was enough to steal two more orgasms from you. You were on the verge of tears, now, so overstimulated you didn’t know if you were feeling pleasure or pain anymore, but you didn’t care, you wanted more, always more of this, more of him.
“Fuck, Atan, I can feel you squeezing me again. You think you can give me one more?” You nodded weekly, trying to match his ruthless pace.
“I want to come in this pretty pussy. You want me to fill you up, Atan?” You could only moan at the words, unable to formulate any coherent thoughts or sentences, anymore. You were way past that. Your breath quickened rapidly and you knew you were really close, and he could feel you too.
“Yeah, that’s right baby, come all over my cock. I want to feel you come undone.” Those words were enough to rip another explosive orgasm out of you, and your clenching milked his cock dry, feeling thick spurts of cum fill you up, painting your pink walls white.
He collapsed on top of you with a thud, still buried deep in you, and you couldn’t help laugh exhilaratingly at his reaction, at what just happened, at the fact his was all real, not just an out-of-reach fantasy.
Eventually, he rolled from on top of you and stretched out an arm for you to cuddle up to him, which you did, feeling grateful for every moment, grateful for the intimacy.
You were both still panting, still recuperating and you lay in his arms in peaceful bliss, trying to catch your breath.
“Thank you.” You said playfully, drawing circles on his chest.
“What for?”
“For being an even better lay than I always imagined you to be in my dreams. Although I’ll find it hard ever being a productive member of this clan again going forward.”
He threw his head back and laughed, and the sound filled the forest and your heart, so relieved to be able to hear it again, so immensely grateful to get to experience these feelings in your life, that didn’t end prematurely no matter how many bad decisions you have made.
“You’re very welcome, Atan.”
You peered up at him bashfully, and you knew then you did at least one thing right in this life.
You fell asleep in his arms, and woke up in the link room, wide smile on your face. Max was waiting for you, and he returned your smile when he saw how happy you were.
“You look happy.”
“It’s just been a good day.”
“Yeah, I’ll bet.” He looked at you playfully. “Do me and Norm have to give you the talk?”
“Shut up, Max. In a completely unrelated subject, though, can I have some birth control from the medical ward, please?”
Your body was weak, and you needed a while to adjust to being back here after a whole day in your other body, soon to be your only body. You felt weightless, despite the pain, so happy and so in love. Your knees were weak from the memories, and you felt a bit empty at the lack of touch, craving him again, even though he’s taken so many orgasms from you, you knew you were going to be sore walking back to the village.
You went looking for Norm, who was already waiting for you in the medical ward, ready to give you a new dose of the injection and take some blood to see how everything is looking.
“It was a beautiful ceremony last night. Did you enjoy yourself?”
“Yeah, definitely did. It was incredible, I have never felt anything like it before.”
“Are you ready for tonight?”
“I think I am. I opened the drawer, little by little, Norm. I think it’s time. I am ready to take my place amongst the people, I am ready for my body to belong, I am ready to not have to worry that this virus will turn around and kill me at any point. My mum and dad both sacrificed so much for me to have a chance at a better life. You guys sacrificed so much. You’re like my guardian angels. I owe you so much, and I am so sorry about how I acted. I hope you can forgive me.”
“Will you still come by and hang out once in a while when you’re not busy riding your ikrans and being an overall badass?”
“Always, Norm. I am still me, I am still a scientist at heart, and I am still human. Maybe my body won’t be, but I will also have my mum and dad, you and Max, a whole history and heritage that I don’t want to rid myself of.”
“Good. Then all’s forgiven, Ace. I am sorry too, for not telling you about Neteyam. It just didn’t feel like my secret to share.”
“I understand.” You got up after he injected you with the treatment and hugged him tightly, grateful for this man who is your family just as much as your mum and the Sullys are.
After resting, eating and taking a nap, you did your dialysis session for the day, and although loopy, you hopped in your Avatar body, still a couple of things you wanted to take care of before the transfer.
To your surprise, you woke up in your tent, a small blanket covering you. You smiled, realising Neteyam must have carried you back in the morning. He even put your clothes back on. You blushed at the need that immediately overwhelmed your body, and tried to calm yourself as there were more pressing matters at hand.
You made your way to the Sully tent, and heard Neytiri and Mo’at talking. Good, two of the people you were looking for.
“Mai’te! How are you feeling?”
“I feel great, sa’nok (mother). Thank you for last night, it was beautiful.” Neytiri brought her hand to her mouth in slight shock at your new name for her. She was so happy, it all felt complete now, after all this time.
You took her free hand in yours as well as one of Mo’at’s, and looked at them seriously, intently.
“I want to ask for your permission for the transfer. I realise a lot of talk has happened, done when I was a human, when I was sick. But I am not sick anymore. I don’t want you to do it because you are worried I will die. I want to be sure, I want you to be sure, that you want me as a Na’vi forever. That you are comfortable with me becoming my Avatar for life. I will not do it, if you aren’t. This means so much for me, and I know I have been a coward, for so long, but I am ready now. I am standing here in front of you, and I am finally ready, to be one of the people, to be in this body, to be your daughter. I just hope I’m not too late.”
They both looked at each other, and smiled, and looked back at you lovingly.
“Mai’te, we have waited for you all of our lives. You are the missing piece in this world, in our world. You brought forth a cure for an illness that has plagued the Na’vi for years and years. There is nothing we would love more than for you to be Na’vi. And there will be no better future Tsa’hik.”
Your eyes widened at Mo’at’s words, at the consent not only to join the clan, this family, but to do so as Neteyam’s mate, as the future spiritual leader of the Omaticaya.
“I won’t let you down.” You hugged both of them, tears in your eyes.
You eventually made your way out of the tent and looked for the only other person you had to talk to before this was all done. Neytiri told you where he could be, so you looked there first. Sure enough, you found Lo’ak deep in thought up a tree, above everyone else, and you climbed easily and joined him. He was startled by you, but he composed himself quickly and gave you a look that you couldn’t quite place. You could tell he had conflicting feelings, happy on one hand to not have lost you in one way, sad that he did lose you in others.
“Hey.” He was curt, and didn’t look at you, and a twinge of hurt settled in your chest. You had to make this right.
“Hey, you. Scooch.” He moved slightly so you could fit with him on the branch, which was more than wide enough to accommodate both of you.
“Lo’ak… please talk to me? I can’t stand the thought that you hate me. You’re my best friend. Please?”
“Is it true?”
“Is what true?”
“I saw you leaving with Neteyam last night, after the ceremony.”
You cringed a little, the thought of having this particular conversation with him close to unbearable.
“Yes, it’s true.”
Pain flashed across his face and you saw a tear, just one small tear, fall down his face. You reached to wipe it off, but he beat you to it, so you awkwardly let your hand drop.
“I’m sorry, Lo’ak. I’m so so sorry. But I have loved your brother my whole life. My whole life, ever since I was born, he was there. And I love you too, I love you so so much, but we wouldn’t be right together. You are the best guy in the world, and I am not even close to being worthy of you. Neteyam gets me. He gets the darkest side of me, he knows my darkest, worst secrets, he has been with me through some of my most traumatic moments. It’s never been that it’s not you. It’s just that it can’t be anyone else. My whole life, it was always going to be just him.”
“You are my best friend, and I will always be here for you. You will never lose me. You will never get rid of me. I found a season of Friends on my mum’s directory that I’m pretty sure we’ve never seen. I can’t do that with anyone else.”
“I know you are scared, and I think that’s why you asked me. Not because you think I’m the woman you want to grow old with, but because you’re scared that no one else will see you the way I do. And you’re wrong, Lo’ak. Everyone will see in time that you are the best person in the world. You are incredible. And so many girls will be falling at your feet soon, you will be angry at yourself for ever pining over someone like me. I know you are scared, but I am not going anywhere. Can you please forgive me?”
He turned and looked at you for a long time, intensely searching your face, maybe for a sign that you were lying, or exaggerating, but he couldn’t find any, as he eventually dropped his gaze and smirked playfully.
“Do you really think girls will be falling at my feet?”
“Yes, I really really do. You are a catch, mister.”
He rolled his eyes dramatically and let out an exasperated sigh.
“Well then, I have to forgive you.” You both laughed and your back pressed against the bark of the tree and you stretched your legs to sit in his lap.
“Now, about that season of Friends…”
You returned to your human form in the afternoon, and slowly started packing your life away, ready to relinquish this room, once your mothers, with deep sadness in your heart. You will all have to relocate from tomorrow, so you will probably not be back here except to help everyone else evacuate and move all the equipment. You’ll never be back here, you realised with a deep sigh. So many memories, so many bad ones, but so many good ones too, this place was your safe place, your little piece of heaven, despite all the hell you went through in it. As you packed all of your books and trinkets you collected in time, you found yourself tracing your fingers over every surface, trying to commit it to memory. The coffee stain on your desk that was made when Neteyam spilled your mug with his tail without meaning to. The scratches on one of the drawers from all the times you pulled on it with your finger, since the latch was a little broken and hard to open. The wear and tear from your ass print on the chair that you spent inordinate amounts of hours in, be it analysing data or watching shows, or reading with your feet carelessly stretched on the desk. You moved on to your bed, that you sat on, and you sighed at the thought of never being able to sleep on a bed again. You will miss the comfort of the mattress and the sheets, and the space to really spread out however much you wanted, looking like a little starfish every time Norm woke you up in the mornings and his subsequent laughter at your ridiculous poses.
It took a while, but you were done about an hour before eclipse. Neteyam knocked on your door, with eyes slightly widened at the state of the now empty room.
“I’ve never seen this place like this. It looks so barren without your touch.”
You sighed and tugged at the insides of your mouth with your teeth. “Yeah, it does.”
“Any regrets?” You turned around to face him, giving him a small reassuring smile and taking his hand in yours, the size difference always a stark contrast compared to your Avatar body.
“Never.” You eyed the bed playfully and raised an eyebrow, feigning timidity. “We still have some time… what could we possibly do to fill it, huh?”
He looked at you, and you could tell he was turned on out of his mind, but also gave you a reserved look. “We can’t… not like this, I will hurt you.”
“I don’t think you realise you’re not making the point you think you are.”
He closed the door behind him with his tail and stalked towards you. “Fuck, you will be the death of me, Atan.”
You made your way to the village a little after eclipse, and everyone was following you. All the humans, Norm and the other Avatars and Neteyam, who was carrying you on his back like you were his little backpack. You were flushed and a little disheveled from earlier, purple marks all over your body, but it didn’t matter. Your hours in this body were limited. In your back pocket of your shorts you had a box of birth control pills that Norm gave to you as you and Neteyam made it out of the room. You laughed at his reaction and yours, both of you awkward and embarrassed to have to address it whatsoever. You placed your head on Neteyam’s shoulder, peering up at the sky, like you used to do when you were little. The village was busy and roaring, everyone packing their lives up for the move tomorrow. People looked at you as you passed by, unfamiliar with your human form clinging to the future Olo’eyktan’s back. Jake and the rest of the family met you at the big bonfire.
“Heads up, everyone. It’s time!” You smiled, and looked next to him on the ground, where your Avatar body lay motionless and you had to take a second to take this all thing in, the weight of what you were about to do hitting you full force. You started breathing in deep, shallow breaths, and you felt Neteyam’s hands running up and down your thigh in a calming motion.
“You’ve got this. We’re all here for you.” You reached over and pecked his neck, in gratitude.
Everybody in the village, all the Na’vi were making their ways through the forest towards Vitraya Ramunong - they would all partake in the ritual. Neteyam was nervous, out of his mind with worry and fear, although he didn’t want to impart that to you, so he carried you gently, trying to be strong, as he was sure your mind was also laced with concerns. What if you didn’t come back? Neteyam quickly pushed the thought out of his mind and cursed it for making him think about such things, making his heart constrict in his chest in pain at the mere thought. Of course you would make it. A part of him was also excited about the ritual. It would be the first time anyone under 19 would get to see it, to experience it, it was only the third time it would have ever been performed. It was a powerful ritual, hence why they needed everyone.
The tree was as breathtaking as it always has been, and Neteyam had to inhale deeper to accommodate for the deep charge of the atmosphere, for the thickness of the air. He heard the ancestor’s voices, buzzing quietly all around him. As soon as you reached the natural platform on which the tree resided, Neteyam put you down next to his family and tried to not think of all the images flashing across his mind’s eye of all the unholy things you two did last night right in this spot. His grandma was giving out orders about where to place your Avatar.
“Are you ready?” Said Mo’at, in her usual no-nonsense fashion.You gulped loudly, and Neteyam couldn’t help wince. Everybody was on the edge.
“Yes, I think I am.” He saw you turn around to face him and the rest of the family, as well as Spider, Norm and Max.
“This is it, I guess.” You grabbed his mother and youngest sister’s hands in yours, and squeezed, a small tear falling down your face.
“I love you, guys. Thank you for everything all of you have done for me. I am so excited to join this clan and your family, forever.”
Neteyam watched as you lay on the ground, naked except for some leaves covering you. He was going to miss you, he realises. This body is the only one he’s known you as for 18 years. He’s spent so may days and nights with you, with this small person who had so much in her, so much beauty and intelligence, so much hurt and pain, so much personality, so much fierceness and grit and so much care and empathy, he didn’t know where it could all fit in such a tiny body. You’ve grown up together, a human and a Na’vi, learning so much from each other, adapting together to the world around you and to each other’s mind and soul. He was going to miss this body, the body he fell in love with, the toothy grin and wild eyes so unlike anything he’s ever seen, your beauty marks that he used to trace with his finger and eyes.. and mouth, as of a few hours ago. You were everything, and have always been regardless of your difference in species, and colour, and height. He mourned a little, he realised, for the you you’re leaving behind, but was also incredibly thrilled to have you as one of the people, as his mate, mother of his children, Tsa’hik, for the rest of his life.
He hovered over you the whole ritual, unnerved at the way the tendrils were emerging from the ground and slowly enveloping you, until there was almost no bare skin left to see. His skin was covered in goosebumps at the experience, as the chorus of people asking Eywa to grant you life in a new body, undulating their bodies in unison, and his grandma’s words. It was unlike anything he’s every experienced.
Tìng mikyun ayoheru rutxe, ma Nawma Sa'nok. (Hear us please, Great Mother)
Pori tireati, munge mì nga (Take this spirit into you)
Srung si poeru, ma Eywa (Eywa, help her)
Ulte tìng ayoer nì'eyng hu ngeyä ya (And breathe her back to us)
Srung si poeru, ma Eywa (Eywa, help her)
Tivìran po ayoekip (Let her walk among us)
Na Na'viyä hapxì! (As one of The People!)
Srung si poeru, ma Eywa (Eywa, help her)
Eventually, the ritual came to an end when Mo’at screamed for everybody to stop. Neteyam reached over to your face, and removed your mask, kissing your cheeks and your hands, and saying a quiet “I love you” before he moved on, anxiously waiting to see if you would open your eyes. He let out a panted breath as you did, smiling tiredly at the family who was now jumping on you, making you choke slightly.
You laughed and his eyes found yours in the manic scene unfolding in front of him. You smiled lovingly and reached out a hand for him to grab.
“Hi.”
“Hi, Atan. It’s good to see you.”
You were sad as you were carrying your body, you tiny human body in your arms, and lowering it in the ground next to the Home Tree. You saw your family place a flower each in the little cove where you now lay, and you carefully redirected an Atokirina towards it, and watched as it landed on you, making its home in the little gap made by your foetal position.
You will miss this body, and all the memories you made in it. You will miss looking in the mirror and seeing your mother’s eyes and hair, you will miss being able to play her guitar. This body, however tiny and weak, was your home for 18 years, and it has stood by you no matter how many times you treated it badly or betrayed it. It kept you alive in a world that could kill you in an instant, and you were sorry to have to leave it behind.
“Thank you. Thank you, mum and dad, for giving me life and gifting me this body. Thank you for taking care of me, I know it wasn’t easy to keep up with this messy mind. Thank you.”
You turned around and fixed your gaze on your mate, the love of your life, the one that made it all bearable, and when met with his dazzling warm smile and his touch that set your soul ablaze, you couldn’t help be excited at the adventures that lay ahead of you, that you will always brave together.
-the end-
EPILOGUE
The man felt weak and dizzy, the entire room spinning and making him well nauseous. He didn’t know what was happening, what any of this was. He saw a bright light flashing across his eyes and he groaned in pain and annoyance at the way it was making his vision spotty. He grasped the hand of whoever it was that was doing this to him, and he was relieved when it stopped. It took him a long time to adjust to his surroundings, and was met with shock when realising he was in some sort of medical ward, surrounded by people in white coats. His gaze fixated on his hand, that was still wrapped around someone’s wrist, and couldn’t understand what he was seeing in front of him. Blue. A blue striped hand, that supposedly belonged to him.
“Captain, Captain Barlowe, can you hear me? You’re ok, you’re just disorientated. It’s gonna take a while to settle your mind, so take you time.”
He raised assertively from the bed he was laying on and made his way to the reflective windows all around him. He stood there, still, just taking it all in, finding it hard to understand, to process what was clearly displayed in front of the mirror. His body, in an Avatar.
“Captain Barlowe, due to your outstanding military record and previous acquiescence with this project, you have been chosen as one of the select few to carry out a special op on Pandora. You will be briefed shortly, but right now we have to make sure everything is in order.”
“I’ll be damned.”
For everyone who’s made it this far, I am so excited to announce the sequel series, The Archer, that will tackle all of the events of the Way of Water x coming to you soon 💕💕
Tag list (thank you thank you thank you x): @nuhteyam @eywas-heir @fanboyluvr @mashiromochi @puffb4ll @sassy-persona @simp4ff @mommyneytiri @inomoikawa @jackiehollanderr @jaysarchiv3 @meivap @dakotali @hlhl99 @eskamybeloved @erenjaegerwifee @winchestertitties @mommyneytiri @ultimatebluff @elizarikaallen @yeosxxx @ssc7514 @lolcaca @jackiehollanderr @bunnyrose01 @therealbloom @neteyams-queue @r1dd1kulus @whore4neteyam
@kikookii @iliyoo @velvetskies @rebeccao03 @im-in-a-pansexual-panik
#neteyam#neteyam x human!reader#neteyam x reader#neteyam fanfic#neteyam reader#neteyam sully#avatar#avatar twow#avatar fanfic#neteyam x avatar!reader#neteyam sully fanfiction#neteyam angst#awow#awow neteyam#loak reader#avatar loak#jake sully#dilf jake sully#sully!reader#sully family x reader#sully family x sully!reader
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Snippet from a Dottore x Reader fic that I'm working on! Hopefully posting this will motivate me to work harder on it.
Zandik stepped closer. “I won’t let you die. I will save you.”
Spoken with a confidence undeserved, his words served to soothe you, but only temporarily. You looked up at him with wide eyes, as if hoping to find an answer in his unreadable expression, while Zandik, to his credit, stood calm and motionless.
“Why?” you asked. His jaw clenched. What could he say to that?
Because you are my patient, and it is my duty as a physician to help you. Because you are a friend – my only friend. Because you are the only person to treat me like someone worthy of respect, and it shouldn’t mean much- and yet.
He couldn’t tell you. What was the point? After what happened to Sohreh... There was no longer any use in trying to connect with people – no use in trying to reconnect with you.
“Helping my patients is the least that I can do,” Zandik lied. He averted his gaze so as to not see the miserable look on your face – he couldn’t bear it. Something inside him ached when he saw the tears rolling down your cheeks.
To his relief, you said nothing as he slipped through the curtains surrounding your bed. Come morning, you’d refuse to speak to him. Your mental coherence would deteriorate faster than that of the other specimens, and only three weeks later, you would die.
Zandik thought it utterly ridiculous. You weren’t supposed to pass. He’d promised to help you – and it hadn’t been out of the goodness of his heart, no, there could be no such thing as a good heart, not in his case – he simply felt that it was something that had to be done. You were his only companion. When the sages chased him out of the Akademiya, you had been the only person to not scowl at him like he was something disgusting.
And Zandik failed you.
Why were you more susceptible to the symptoms of Eleazar than the others? Why did you pass so soon? He was just figuring out how to stabilize the effects of the Withering on the human body. Zandik could have helped you.
He was pensive as he gazed at you. Zandik wished you had been anything but human – he wished you had been a machine. A mechanical life form of some sort that could transcend the earthly boundaries placed upon you by fate. Oh, what a cruel, wretched thing it was; he despised it, despised Celestia. They took you away from him twice. Both times, he had been too weak to defy fate. Zandik closed his eyes, willing himself to remain calm. Self-loathing wormed its way into his chest, as if it had never left.
the main idea of the story summed up in one sentence: Dottore creates a segment of his deceased friend due to some very complicated feelings that he never properly handled, but unfortunately for him, things go a bit awry.
I'm hoping to post this sometime soon. :)
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trust
Simon Ghost Riley x Reader
Liability chapter nine!
synopsis: after things go wrong on a mission, there are several soldiers in desperate need of treatment, and on the brink of death. Reader is ready to help and Ghost is hesitant.
warnings: blood, injuries, gore
Liability masterlist
https://www.tumblr.com/ponyosmom35/733401347573088256/simon-ghost-riley?source=share
Ghost grunts as the helicopter lands roughly on base. He quickly opens the door and pulls the soldier closer to him, he sets him on his feet, ignoring the loud screams of pain from him. “Alright mate you’re good, let’s get you to medical” he says taking the soldier’s arm and putting it around his shoulder, taking the grunt of his weight as they hobble past the other injured men being treated.
Ghost had been with 141 leading a team for a simple extraction, however it’d gone horribly wrong when their heli was shot down from the sky. They were forced to stay and fight as their position was compromised. There were three confirmed KIA and seven injured. He’d been lucky to escape with just a bullet wound graze on his left arm. No biggie, he’d had much worse. Ghost notices the soldier’s body give out and he grunts, carrying all of his weight, essentially dragging him to an empty bed. He sets him down as gently as he could and looks up for anyone to help. “Medic!” he calls
The soldier’s eyes open and he looks around wildly, he begins to scream in pain as blood leaks past Simon’s hands and onto the floor. His screams of agony blend into the others around the base and Ghost keeps pressure on the wound. “I need a Medic right now!”
She could hear Ghost’s calls, she looked over to the medic on her right “you good here?”
“go help who you can”
She takes off her gloves and hurriedly washes her arms. She dries off and grabs a fresh pair. She could hear the screaming before she entered the room and takes a deep breath.
“What’s the status?” she asks walking into the room, she instantly begins prepping an IV for him.
“No get somebody else” Ghost snaps
“I need you to get out of my way” she says walking over to him, ready to start an IV
“Get another medic!” he exclaims
“There is nobody else Ghost! Step out of my way so I can save his life” she yells
“You better save him” he warns, moving out of her way.
“What’s his status?” she asks quickly inserting the IV into him.
“Shot three times, two bullets straight through, third in the chest cavity. Blood pressure is low and dropping”
“He’s going into shock, I need you to help me cut his clothes off” she instructs
The two of them quickly get the soldier’s armour off of him and toss it carelessly to the side. “Lift his legs” she says
Ghost does as told as she moves as though it was second nature. She hooks him up to a machine to measure his heart rate and blood pressure. “Higher Ghost”
Ghost does as told and watches her work to save his life, she did not hesitate. She instructed him to help her and gave clear and concise instructions. She was able to bring him off the brink of death and put him to sleep as she worked on getting the bullet out. She was able to do so quickly and efficiently, as though it was the easiest thing in the world. After a while she informed him that he wasn’t needed any longer, but he refused to leave, he wanted to see it through. Ensure the soldier was okay.
After several hours she had stitched him up and he was asleep in the med bay with the other patients. They were able to save 6/7 men injured. Ghost was impressed, he imagined she would choke, unable to handle it. But he’d never been more wrong, She saved this man’s life. He understood now that he’d been too hard on her in the past, she was good at her job, great even. She deserved to be here. She was needed.
She had left to finish helping the others over an hour ago for clean up, Ghost had stayed in the bay. He observed his soldiers solemnly. Missions like these were always rough, he never wanted to see a good man in a hospital bed.
“are you hurt?” she asks, surprising him.
“No” he lies, ignoring the pain in his arm.
“Don’t lie to me, I can see the blood” she says walking over to him and placing her hand just above his wound.
“I said I'm fine. There are others who need help” he says
“nobody is in critical condition, they're just fine with the others. now are you going to let me do my job or are you going to make It more difficult?” she asks
“Fine” he agrees, sitting down on the table as she puts on clean gloves. He sighs and let her tend to his wound. She looks at him with a concerned expression and begins cleaning the gash. The pain is bearable, but it still stings quite a bit. He watches as she works with the precision and skill of a veteran medic, and can't help but notice how attractive she is. His frame was still taller than her, despite sitting down. Her glasses sat perfectly on her nose, her small mouth and gorgeous green eyes. Her long hair was tucked in a bun with a cap overtop of it. He noticed that she’d changed out of her previous scrubs, this pair fresh, without the blood stains. Even in the scrubs, she was beautiful. He frowns at his thoughts, trying to ignore them.
“you did good today” he comments, breaking the silence.
“I just did my job” she responds, slightly annoyed.
“Just take the compliment”
“wow ghost that is the nicest thing you've ever said to me! I'll cherish those words forever” she jokes, her entire demeanor changing. She speaks to him in a tone he’d never heard before. A happy one.
“Funny” he snorts
“Did I just make you laugh? oh my god, look at me, I always knew medicine was the wrong choice for me, should've pursued comedy”
“don't push it” he retorts, a hint of sarcasm in his voice as well. She smiles and he feels his heart racing. She was starting to grow on him. Despite his best efforts, the longer she was around, the harder it was getting to ignore.
She jokingly holds her hands up in defense at his comment before wrapping his wound. He is surprised how quickly she was able to finish. Normally they would take too long and he would lose his patience, preferring to just do it himself. She takes off her gloves and throws them into the hazard waste basket before washing her hands thoroughly. She then picks up his file and begins to write her notes in it.
“okay now that you're all stitched up I'm gonna need to keep an eye on it for the next week or so to make sure there's no infection. stop by my office daily, until I clear you, you're gonna be on light duty” she instructs, looking up from his file and staring at him. He nods and moves towards the door.
“Thank you, for all of your work today. You saved lives, you should be proud”
“Thank you Ghost” she says softly
“Get some rest, you’ve had a long day” he says before leaving her alone in the exam room in shock.
a/n: I have zero knowledge about the medical field FYI
#smut#cod mw2#ghost call of duty#ghost cod#mw2#simon ghost riley#simon ghost x you#simon riley#angst#cod x reader#call of duty x reader#call of duty#call of duty modern warfare#call of duty modern warfare 2#cod ghost#cod mwii#modern warfare#modern warfare 2#mwii#enemies to lovers#enemies to friends trope#enemies to friends to lovers#ghost#cod 141#task force 141#141 x reader#mw2 141#tf 141#simon riley x you#simon riley x reader
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thinking about Brave Police J-Decker and the personhood of the robots, specifically when it comes to reformatting them.
Deckerd goes willingly, twice. He’s taught by Yuuta how a proper police officer should behave, including serving and sacrificing for the people he protects, and so he willingly turns his back on his memory and self twice. It fails, because he’s not the perfect machine they want him to be and doesn’t actually want to give himself up, but he tries.
we don’t know what Kagerou was taught. We do know that he thought being reformatted and losing his memories was no different to dying and that he vehemently refused to lose his self without a fight. He lashed out against the mindless talking robots that blindly serve humanity and we’re not explicitly told why but you can figure he’s afraid of becoming one.
the humans in the show don’t seem particularly… sympathetic? The show forgets to show us that they live in a world where minor robots are common (vending machines and stop lights talk, there’s a robotics fair in the Kagerou episodes) and so it feels sensational that the Braves talk and think on their own, but to the humans that’s not so different from their daily lives. They’re used to robots behaving as they’re programed to do so why would the Braves be any different?
what kind of personhood does that give the Braves? Are/will they be allowed to act outside their function one day? What happens when they outlive their usefulness? According to Azuma, they should be scrapped… Deckerd is treated without any humanity at first, they don’t even know he’s sentient even when he talks and acknowledges this random kid in the warehouse. Kagerou doesn’t seem to be treated much better; sure a reformat means he’ll still be sentient (supposedly, at least) but Kagerou views that as becoming somebody else. Nobody seems to care.
iirc there’s some sadness the second time Deckerd willingly gives up his personhood. He’s lost his memories though, so he’s not much different than he was when Yuuta first found him. Duty above all else (and also, notably, he’s hurt by the clear fact everyone else misses who he used to be; Kagerou wasn’t wrong when he thought being reformatted meant becoming somebody else).
(And then there’s Duke and Regina not letting him behave and feel things the way a human would, which is a whole can of worms on it’s own. At least that’s treated as being very wrong.)
the show never really addresses the personhood of the Braves. I suppose maybe the closest is the episode where Deckerd dreams about what happens when they’re no longer the primary unit of Super AI robots. Everyone else leaves for awhile but eventually they come back, so in Deckerd’s mind they’re best for what they were built for. But really, what else can they be in a world they weren’t built to actually interact with. They’re not supposed to be people and yet they are. What does that mean for them? I don’t know and neither does the show.
I don’t have a good conclusion, I was just rambling lol. This show is neat but there’s so much depth they don’t address and while I don’t blame them (it’s hard to tell a deep story and I think they cared more for haha silly robots) there’s a lot that tantalizes me that they never really touched on. Like what would happen to Kagerou if he wasn’t captured by Shinjo? What would Shadowmaru do and how would the humans react? What about like, everything else? Idk I just really like this show lol.
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You’re losing me || wwdits Nandermo fluff
After killing Derek, needless to say Nandor could no longer think straight. He refused to talk to cameras and for two days hasn’t slumbered or feasted. He knew he had to do something. But wasn’t it too late? Nandor knew for over a decade to not get close, to not…
“Nandor” Nadja interrupted his thoughts and for that Nandor was more than grateful, “are you okay? You’ve been acting like a big American hamburger” it was making her sick being this nice, as she is used to screaming her way out of situations.
“I am okay, thank you Nadja” he muttered not looking away from the painting of him and his horse John, slightly dragging his finger through the hole Guillermo left with a dagger long time ago.
“Malakas” she yelled out, and rushing to him and forcefully turning him to face her, “you’re just like Laszlo, something’s wrong and then all of the sudden ‘yes, yes, very good, thank you’ “ she said mockingly out of anger. It’s not that she didn’t want to help, quite the opposite, she hated seeing her friends in pain. Especially Nandor. But the dummies never learned how to communicate, “now speak”
“I appreciate your help, Nadja” he smiled, “but I’m just alright” he let go of her and turned back to the painting.
“Fine, you don’t wanna talk, don’t. We are leaving now, but if you don’t think that when I come back I won’t sit down on your coffin until you speak, think again” Nadja stormed out, yet Nandor seemed unbothered.
Sometimes he’d look at the painting, dragging his finger around where the dagger used to be. Nandor felt like it was a big warning: a giant wall standing between him and… Guillermo.
It was difficult when he was just a familiar, then it was even more complicated when they found out he’s a vampire killer, and even more terrifying when he disobeyed and turned himself into a vampire.
‘Treat them mean, keep them keen’ is what he was taught. With his soldiers, with his wives and husbands, with his familiars. But Guillermo has never been keen. And that both intrigued and terrified him.
And it has never been in Nandor’s nature to be warm and cuddly. After all he was a slaughtering machine from his birth till now, and when he thinks about him, he wouldn’t love him either, a pathological people killer.
But he’ll do it. Everyone’s out of the house, except for him and Guillermo. And he’ll do it.
He launched himself down the stairs, nervously waiting to “accidentally” bump into Guillermo. And after standing there for solid 15 minutes, it seemed much easier in movies, he thought. He was just happy the cameras were out of the house with Laszlo and Nadja.
“Guillermo” he yelled out not being able to wait there any longer, “I need to speak to you”
“Yes, master?” He appeared as it seemed out of thin air right behind him, scaring him.
“How are you feeling, Guillermo?” He couldn’t think how to open, and ‘I would like to marry you’ seemed a little too forward. It was dangerous territory, if he rejects Nandor, he’ll most likely have to leave. And Nandor won’t be able to stop him as hypnosis no longer work on Guillermo.
“I have a headache” he nodded.
“I used to have those in Al Quolanudar whenever one of our wives would hit me at the back of my head with a rock” he laughed trying to release the tension.
“What?” Guillermo looked confused.
“My wives” he corrected himself, suddenly missing the camera to which he could uncomfortably turn to.
Guillermo looked at him with the look that could only translate into “you’re losing me”. “I’m losing you” Nandor thought back.
“I think I’ll go to sleep, master, I’m very cold” Guillermo muttered as he tried to walk past him but Nandor stopped him.
He slowly walked closer to the short man, with his right hand wrapping Guillermo with his cape. That’s better, he thought.
“Perhaps it is time you call me Nandor” yes, that’s great start, he thought.
“Okay” Guillermo blushed a little, although through that thick beard it was difficult to see. But Nandor could. He always did, “Nandor”
Nandor stood there, smiling warmly at the man, and Guillermo smiled back. He couldn’t help but wonder if he was smiling because he enjoyed his company, or because he was… feeling like he had to. There’s no going back now, he thought.
Nandor gently put his free left hand on Guillermo’s cheek and without waiting leaned in to kiss him. He almost forgot what it feels like to kiss a human, so gentle, so warm. And for a second there Nandor thought that his heart might start again for him. But that was over. He pulled away as he felt Guillermo not returning the kiss. And with that he might have just stab him with the wooden stake because Nandor didn’t want to exist.
“I am sorry, Guillermo” he muttered lowly, “I didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. I never kissed anyone with glasses before” he smiled uncomfortably, retracting the cape from the man.
“Shut up” to his surprise Guillermo pulled the taller man in again. He must have just been taken by surprise the first time around, he thought. Although Nandor no longer wanted to think. He was watching his fangs carefully as to not bite Guillermo accidentally, slowly pushing the shorter man to the wall.
It was fascinating. The lips so soft and gentle and warm, Nandor could lose himself in the insanity that is this kiss.
“I don’t want to lose you, Guillermo” he pulled away to gather his breath, but the man pulled him back in.
“You won’t” he muttered back.
So unbelievably beautiful that kiss was. Nandor has never felt such… what’s the word? Love? Before. Most his suitors were non human, vampires, werewolves, lovers brought from the dead, and none of them had the heart like Guillermo. So kind, so warm, so…
“Nandor!” Nadja yelled out standing across the hallway, making them both pull away, “is that your idea of ‘im okay’?”
Guillermo was smiling uncontrollably as Nandor turned around, and if he could blush, he would be painted red by now.
“I told you I’m fine, Nadja. Now more so” he smiled back at Guillermo, making Nadja curse in Greek as she ran to her room.
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I was bored. Wrote some fluff based on this fanart and ‘you’re losing me’ song by Taylor Swift. ITS NOT MINE! Found it on Pinterest. Their vk k_e_r_e_r_e_k, if you know the artists please comment their @, I really want to give proper credits to them. This is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.
#wwdtis#wwdits#what we do in the shadows#nandermo#nandor and his boyfriend#nandor the himbo#nandor the idiot#nandor what we do in the shadows#nandor the relentless#nandormo#wwdits nandor#nandor x guillermo#nandor the bitchless#guillermo what we do in the shadows#guillermo van helsing#guillermo de la cruz#wwdits guillermo#vampire guillermo#ofmd spoilers#ofmd trailer#our flag means death#archive of our own#blackbeard ofmd#ofmd#ofmd 2#ofmd s2#ofmd season 2#ofmd stede#ao3 writer#fluff
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pspsp hii fellow grim fan! got any hcs?
hiiii fellow Grimmy lover ! ⸜( ´ ꒳ ` )⸝
Ohh that's a good question, I usually keep these things in my head because I'm too shy to post anything but let's see. A lot of my hcs involve my MC personally so I hope that's okay. ☼
MC is female; artist; pet cat named Garrus; lives in Tokyo.
Spoilers below.
Casper's favorite color is black; she teases him that black isn't a color so he just huffs and says red.
Casper listens pretty much exclusively to heavy metal. She introduces him to melodic death metal and it's all he ever plays... except during Christmas time where he plays that one song on repeat, constantly, driving her insane.
He can't hold his alcohol, like, at all. He gets very handsy when drunk.
He's always bringing her new skin care products to try, he refuses to give up until she has a skin care routine that consists of more than "a bar of soap and sometimes sunscreen.. when she remembers."
He brings her a new bouquet of flowers every time the previous one wilts. They are always sunflowers with a mix in of seasonal flowers.
Casper loves cute things, he will never admit to it (he can't lie so), but that cute little axolotl plush sitting on their bed is proof enough.
Speaking of cute things, she introduces him to gachapon. At first he scoffs at it, "How could mortals be so easily assumed by such silly trinkets?" She rolls her eyes at him and puts a few coins into the machine. Out comes a silly little plastic egg, opening it reveals a tiny little clear plastic axolotl wearing a hat. She teases him as she puts it in his hand as they leave. There are 5 other types of axolotl figures in that machine. Later he comes back and blows a shit ton of money trying to win the rest. She has to take his wallet before he spends all his money.
She bought him a cute pair of light pink and red socks with chibi axolotl printed on them one day on her way home from work. He refuses to wear them but more often than not she'll look over as he's taking off his boots and there they are.
They have matching phone charms.
She felt really bad about teasing him about his use of kaomoji so whenever they're apart for long she'll text him ヾ( > ◡ < )ツ.｡*☆ and it usually just escalates from there.
He's very good at house work; cleaning, laundry, etc. Except cooking. He sucks at cooking. His diet of cup noodles is concerning.
He has a sweet tooth.
In any of the endings where he defects from the reaper organization he gets a new job as a programmer. He's completely self taught which he boasts about often.
Casper has hardly ever interacted with animals before, let alone lived with one. So when he moves in he gets to work researching everything to know about cats. He starts to play with Garrus daily, buy him little toys here and there, sneaks him treats. He pouts when she won't let him feed him breakfast/dinner that day.
He can't draw, but that doesn't stop him from leaving little sticky notes with his doodles scribbled on them in her sketchbook when he knows she's taking it to work. She hangs the post it notes on the wall in her cubicle.
Casper reads A LOT. He reads almost every night before bed. Mostly he reads tomes and texts that relate to the underworld or his job, but occasionally a smutty romance novel from the mortal world finds it's way into his hands.
He works out in his room daily.
Haaa that ended up being a lot longer than I thought, but the Casper brainrot is real so 🤭💕
#a date with death casper#a date with death#a date with death vn#adwd#a date with death headcanons#casper#a date with death grim#casper x f!mc
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I don’t understand how people and sit there and put the entire blame of the whole Dance with Dragons conflict on Alicent. I know people have biases but I don’t understand how you can watch as all of these men commit horrid deeds with grievous consequences and then go on and pretend like it’s all Alicent’s fault. This entire scenario is only possible in the first place because Viserys decided to strip his first wife of any bodily autonomy and agency she had and ripped a baby out of her without her consent . A torture of a procedure that brutally killed her. Following that, he decided to marry a teenager, maritally rapes her and treats her like a baby making machine, without any regards to the potential consequences or how it’s impacting anybody. Just because he’s two seconds away from rotting away doesn’t remove the unwashable stains he has made and how he has laid out this conflict to be even possible.
The line of succession ended up being changed in the first place because Daemon can’t stop himself from doing nonsensical attention-seeking half-assed stunts (like extreme public torture, grooming his teenage niece and later starting a whole war) that have grievous aftereffects, once again with no regards to their real brutal consequences, all in order to get his brother’s attention and validation. In fact, this whole scenario only ever had the potential to happen due to the patriarchal monarchy that Westerosi men created alongside the Targaryen’s blatant lack of preparation and established rules for a scenario where the next ruler would be a woman, and the seven kingdoms staunch refusal to genuinely accept one as their ruler.
All that and people will still choose to pin this whole thing on Alicent, with no consideration to the fact that she was pimped by her dad, when she was 15, to an old man, and had no say or choice in the matter due to her being inside a system that strips most women of any real choice or say in their lives. It’s like this fandom would rather spend over a month demonizing a female character (like Young Alicent) for not being the ‘’perfect’’ victim to patriarchal violence due to and based on a hypocritical usage of modern standards and using rhetorics steeped in rape culture than hold male characters accountable (for longer than two seconds) for torturing and killing their wives in explicitly sexist frameworks. That aside, Alicent absolutely plays a part in this whole conflict (as she grows older), as does Rhaenyra, to the point where both end up becoming the emblematic faces of this chain of events. However, if you can’t see how the conflict itself is only made possible due to and founded on sexist biases, gendered violence, grooming, sexual abuse and negligence that stem from all these men in the highest positions of power, then you are simply not paying attention.
#anti viserys i targaryen#anti daemon targaryen#alicent hightower#anti hotd fandom#house of the dragon#hotd#alicent has become a villain of sorts by ep6#and is actively making choices that will have a clear negative impact#but even that's rooted in her trying to do her best to survive in a position that was she was forced to be in#I'm not denying Alicent's part to play but she always seems to be the first name dropped#but there's so many horrible men who literally created the foundation for this whole conflict#and an entire system that made it possible too#way too many factors for her to be treated as the source of it all#especially when her current behaviour is a result of many of these factors
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Detailed bad end: Somewhere, in the far corners of your mind, you know you need to tell someone about what's happening. You need to spread the word. You need to warn people.
More than anything, though, you need to *stop eating.*
You don't know how they got here, have only the vaguest idea of where they come from, and not a clue how they chose you. Sometimes you think you were just unlucky. Other times--when your mouth's contents make your fat cheeks bulge and you gulp down another painfully pleasurable meal--you think they chose you.
There was a woman--blonde curls and motherly curves--and there was a cupcake on a silver platter, and you think she said it was a free sample. You ate it and she watched with shining golden eyes and you know now she wasn't human, that wasn't a normal cupcake, something's gone wrong--
The hunger took over within a matter of minutes. You came back to her booth and she was gone but the platter was there, and though you've lived your whole life aware of what people must think of your appetite and your weight and your figure, you couldn't help yourself. Trembling, knees knocking, hungrier than you've ever been in your life, you took the platter and you found a spot where hopefully no one could see and you crammed the cupcakes down your throat one by one by one, face burning with shame and arousal.
The door opens, and one of her servants arrives, pushing a cart of sweet desserts and bubbling soda and cold beer. The servant presses a button and a machine whirs and the apparatus that keeps your enormous, gurgling body suspended from the ceiling lowers you a few feet, toward your waiting feast and the impassive creature with alien eyes.
You left the place hungry, again, and made three trips through the nearest drive-thru, eating like an animal, stuffing your face until you were satisfied. You don't remember much after that...it's all become a blur: the job you lost for skipping shifts to pack in meals, the friends who watched, mortified, as you spent every waking hour eating and every saved cent on food. The clothes that split and tore as your hippo hips and blimp tits blew up, as your gravid gut grew heavier and rounder. Broken chairs and snapped belts and elevators that refused to move when you squeezed your enormous, lumbering frame inside. The people who tried to get you to listen, to look at yourself, to just *stop eating*...only for you to ignore them all, focused on nothing but your pleasure.
Months went by, or maybe just days. You've been drunk or high or both for the whole thing, and it was only when you couldn't squeeze your fat ass through the doors to the only restaurant left in town that would serve you that she came back.
Her servant is gone, and she's there, a slice of cake in hand, staring up at you with shining golden eyes. Sharp teeth, black tresses, motherly curves. She's their leader, their queen. What she's done to you, she intends to do to Earth. She's packaged up the chemical that caused this and set up shop all across the planet and you need to warn people, you need to do something, you need to *stop eating--*
She pats your head affectionately and coos as she pushes the cake past your lips, and you moan, and you're eating like your life depends on it again. You've seen her other pets; some human, some aliens like her, seen how enormously obese they've gotten and heard their desperate mewling whines as they stuff their fat faces. You've heard dull, wet bangs behind steel doors.
You are the fattest human being that has ever existed. You dwarf all her other projects, suspended in this dark room, a fat, jiggling food balloon who can't control herself any longer. You know, logically, that your body can only stretch so far...
The grinning devil beneath you, with her golden eyes and burning horns, pushes another treat between your lips. You feel your entire body surge and pulse...just a hiccup. For now.
i simply have no+ wo+rds fo+r ho+w into+ this i am, so+ I’m just go+nna po+st as-is. yo+u sure kno+w ho+w to+ fluster a big girl…..
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I like to think that Gabe is trying to learn more about machinery/robotics so that he would be able to help V1 in case it injures itself in a way that it can't do the repairs itself. Maybe he practices working with small wiring and things by trying to build a new arm for V1 to use.
It probably wouldn't be all that good to begin with, needing more iterations and modifications to be viable, but V1 would still be exited that Gabe built it just for it.
god yes me too i love all the art and fic that explore gabriel learning about robotics and poking around v1's internal components to get a better understanding of how he might be a mechanic for it. blood does seem to be a cure-all, fueling it and repairing injuries at once, but there's likely plenty of battles in the lower layers that leave both v1 and gabriel drained of blood, which can be especially troublesome for its more sensitive components. so gabriel quickly learns they can't rely on blood as a resource when he won't always be free to give it, and it follows that the only option for repair work is for him to take it up. but that offer is met with a lot of confusion lol
v1 has done simple repairs on itself when absolutely necessary, but it's entirely forgotten how it once had a team of mechanics that attended it during its practical trials. it fixes itself up slapdash and sprints quickly on to the next hall of hell, hoping it can refuel fast enough with fresh victims to no longer worry about a clipped wing or an arm hanging on by a few bare wires. so when gabriel shows interest in learning all of v1's intricacies and inner workings, it has no clue what he could want with that....suspicious!!!! with programming hard-coded to protect its insides as well as corrupted memory files of a time long since past when it was regularly cracked open, v1 is highly resistant to the offer even as gabriel explains himself. after multiple attempts at pointing out the benefits, he recognizes that v1 won't easily warm up to the idea in just the same way it had once viciously guarded its blood ports from him. he has to prove he can be delicate and that he can be trusted entirely, that he has a controlled touch that would treat the finest pieces of v1's body with reverent care.
so he starts by teaching himself, he begins to learn from the terminals and then asks v1 if he can examine a spare arm when it's not equipped. v1 cautiously allows it, staying close by him as he studies the outside before going forward to carefully remove plating (with v1's guidance) to get a better understanding of what amounts to a machine's flesh. even with v1's help however, it's a dizzying experience and he stays with just the arm for much longer than he thought all of his angelic intellect would need. but he refuses to do just good enough, he needs to be sure of every component, of every fine movement of his hands as he handles them, because this is for v1 at its most vulnerable. and now i just LOVE the idea that maybe the arm is how he hones his understanding, to build something for v1 from the ground up to prove to both it and himself that his hands are worthy to work on it. the arm itself is definitely rudimentary at first....but it works, it handles, it can be attached into v1's socket...and maybe this is mark i for its gold arm. v1 is singularly thrilled with the gift, flexing it with excitement and testing every point of articulation with enthusiasm (as gabriel watches HORRIBLY nervous it'll fall to pieces at any second). but when it holds, v1 yields to gabriel's initial suggestion and allows him access to the rest of its body, so long as he minds his GIANT hands and doesn't open its computer (agreed).
and while i believe there has always been an element of worship in how gabriel loves v1, inherent to him as an angel and foundational in how v1 found him, the intricate way of its body strikes him as wholly divine. wires, metals and plastic and electricity, a beating silicon heart that fuels it with so much of his own blood, all of it imbued with a will, with a soul of its own. like the clay of human form, this too rises up from the dust of the earth to be something incomprehensible yet it spark comes from outside the primal fount. when he asks v1 how it all works, most of it it can explain, yet some it can't. someone may have known, but they're long gone now (maybe it should have seen if those husks in violence could remember anything....AH WELL.) regardless, gabriel learns diligently, v1's form retaining some of its mystery even as it's laid out before him, figuring out how to treat damage and wounds that he can, even spare parts he might be able to use should it come down to it. his hands grow confident yet always maintain their quiet reverence, motions soon deft both in and outside of v1's chassis (and always doubly careful around the insulated black box that houses its mind)
#DIVINITY IN THE MACHINE ETC#v1 also: can i dig around your insides now?#gabriel: um....maybe??#show it the angelic anatomy!!!#(don't ask me what it finds i have approximately 1 headcanon about angelic anatomy and nothing else)#cake answers#v1#gabriel
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no, it's—it's—they taught me a lot of things, not all of which have been true. there's more beyond the reef. there's more beyond the reef. how do you know that it's real? I mean, sometimes I don't know... if ... my thoughts and actions, and... even my own humor and things that I say—are really what I would—or if I'm just pretending. how do you know I'm not just pretending, when I don't even know? I gaped at her as if she'd asked why I drew breath. I couldn't tell her that lying wasn't so much something I did as something I was. the borderlands of madness used to have much sterner signage than they do now. if one believes there is truth in art—and I do—then it's troubling how similar the skill of performing is to lying. maybe lying is itself a kind of art. I think about that more than I should. I was hoping... when we live through this, no matter what we decide to do, if you could help... if you could help me, I guess, learn to... learn to live as... who I am. when I find that out.
I have to do this. it's my destiny. even if it's not my fault it's still my accident. it's still my mess. it's still something that exists because I do, right? I need to give it... everything I've got. I don't know another way. I... it doesn't matter. this is what I'm supposed to do.
why did you bring me here? I'm not the right person. you have to choose someone else. ...choose someone else! please! and that was the truth, but it was also terrible. I did not know how to contain such a contraction inside myself. I kissed his cheek in parting, trying to reassure him, though I no longer had any notion whom or what to pray to.
but I'm not fragile. I won't be fragile. I refuse. you are not helpless. it was an answer to a question I had never asked; a way to fill the dread emptiness into which I had been born. I've been on this incredible journey, and I've seen and learned so much! don't I get a say in what happens to me? don't I get a choice? no! this has to stop, now. it was you! it was ALL you! I've spent my entire life hiding from people who would use me for my powers, when I should have been hiding... from you. no. no! I won't! my destiny was to be a part of your machine, but I won't ever let you use me again. this is NOT my destiny! I won't be controlled. I am not a weapon. and I am going to end this now! how will destroying worlds bring peace? there is one sin that even when you fail me, I want you to know. that I try to bury, but that I will not bury any longer. because my last sin is that I hate you. I. HATE. you. for waking me up, every day, to watch me fail, over and over again, and to watch me fall, and to get me back up the next day to do it again. if I'm burning a bridge, let it burn! I will not stop! every day for the rest of my life, I will never stop trying to get away from you! I feel like it would take a millennia to understand you, but you will no longer put these thoughts into my brain of who I'm supposed to be. you were wrong about the world, and you were wrong about me! what could I possibly have done to deserve the way you treated me? I am nothing like you. and so I know what lies before me. another failure; another disappointment. but I tell you this now, because when I fail this time, I don't want to do it any more as the weapon you sharpened. I want to do it as not just the person you made me, but the person I have become. I'm sorry I couldn't be... the chosen one that you wanted. I'm not even the chosen one I wanted.
I didn't even realize I started doing it alone. but you're right; you're right. the music ended and I let go of him, but he did not let go of me. all the hurricanes and earthquakes and fires and storms cannot break you, if you remember a few things. we are here to love with our whole hearts. I can tell now I'm different somehow than what I was before, and maybe, at last, this is really me. it is profoundly, unsettlingly right. I'd been dealing in shadows before. and... that doesn't change who you are, even if it's confusing. everything we've been through? that's real to me. that was exactly what I'd felt—it almost brought tears to my eyes to remember—but Abdo's eloquent explanation still didn't capture it. you couldn't put words on something like that. heaven, gods—these were concepts far too small. I thought my life was over and there was nothing left to live for. I was so, so wrong. the list of things to live for is limitless and it is possible to be happy again. you will change the world with your joy and your hope. and everything life ought to be—it's all gonna happen to me out there! I stepped from the carriage into sunlight, into the crowd, smiling. I walked myself into the world.
gillion tidestrider; jrwi riptide · moana; moana · rumi/peter; jrwi apotheosis · seraphina/orma; seraphina by rachel hartman · adora/catra; she-ra and the princesses of power · moonwatcher/clearsight; wings of fire books 6 and 12 by tui t. sutherland · rapunzel/cass; tangled
#jrwi riptide#jrwi riptide spoilers#jrwi apotheosis#jrwi apotheosis spoilers#spop#spop spoilers#moana#tangled#wings of fire#seraphina#this has been sitting in my drafts for so long lmfao#i originally started it here so o could color code it without opening a google doc#bc those scare me lmfao. but now it's here so i might as well
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Small Announcement/Confession
I don't know how many people are going to be able to stand me after this, but there's something I want and need to get off my chest if I am to go any further in writing malex fics.
The truth is that I feel a great wave of resentment, bitterness, and dissatisfaction about the way malex was handled. Not just in one particular season, but in the whole show. And the travesty is I don't see this feeling going away until I really let out all of my frustrations in a long, cathartic fic similar to Heroes Never Die.
I came out of season 4 with a great sense of numbness and depression, and only now, months later, can I really identify the source of my misery beyond just the show ending, and it's this; there's no longer any hope of Michael Guerin fixing what he'd done or being any better to Alex than how he'd been.
Yes, people. This post will mostly focus on my anger towards Michael. I've spent years saying this, and I will say it now; I love Michael Guerin more than I can say, and for the reason of me loving him and this being a simple critique of his actions and behavior, I will not tag it "anti" because I refuse to mark down any of my posts as Michael Guerin hate. I would never do that, I love that stupid cowboy too much.
That said, I can love and still be frustrated with him. And unfortunately, my frustrations have been keeping me from writing malex beyond the simple little fics every Malex Monday, which is a problem for me because writing malex is my safe space, and I haven't been able to do that at all.
Look, I'm just going to cut to it; Michael, bless his beautiful heart, was a terrible boyfriend. A terrible love interest, in fact, and I put all the blame on the writers. Everything from harshly judging Alex for his fears, to downright mocking him for them, to choosing someone else, to going crazy for a split second after Alex's disappearance only to then apologize to those who hid it from him and sit around his bonfire; they have turned Michael into cruel towards Alex at best, and indifferent at worst. And yes, I do think indifference is worse than cruelty.
I don't think Vlamis really ever understood the impact he had on the fandom. I don't think he ever realized that we only ever made it through so many of those truly unbearable moments because of his words and his promise that Michael Guerin thought of nothing and loved no one but Alex. We only knew as a fandom that Guerin was thinking of Alex because Vlamis told us he was, but I must say, Guerin did a truly crap job of showing it. Respectfully.
I struggle so much with writing malex now because I think it's really hitting me that we have no hope of anything getting better anymore. No hope of Michael really redeeming himself for the awful way he treated Alex. For the fact that every single grand gesture came from Alex. For the fact that Alex was self-sacrificial again and again and again, and Michael, even in season 4, had to be told to trust him. AND ALEX HAD ALREADY TRUSTED HIM BY THE CAULFIELD EPISODE!
Wasn't that the allure of malex in the freaking first place? This one angry cowboy that trusted no one, got close to no one, openly loved no one--trusted and got close to and openly loved and cared for this one guy. Like, was that not what attracted so many people in the freaking first place? Now that same guy, after years of being close to Alex, after everything Alex had done for him (opening his heart to him, encouraging M*ria to give him a chance, joining Deep Sky, nearly losing his sanity to protect the Lockhart Machine from his father's influence, everything else), now he has to be told to trust the man he has a supposed cosmic relationship with?
That's another thing we'll never see fixed; the fact that Michael was so clearly the most important thing to Alex, but it always felt like there were so many things more important to Michael.
I believe with all my heart that Alex loves Michael, values him above all else, but Michael? I know he feels the same way, but only because Vlamis spent years insisting on it. I'm not saying Michael didn't have his moments, but when they are preceded and followed by so much indifference, what do those moments really amount to? It hurts worse because Michael is clearly at the center of Alex's universe, and we see that. Meanwhile, we're told that Alex means everything to Michael, but that's it! It rarely shows, and when it does, it's followed by so much disappointment that it renders the moment kind of meaningless.
What does it matter that Michael freaked out about Alex being gone if a minute after, he's talked down by every single person not to bother looking for him? What does it matter that they--yes, I'm sorry, I'm going to say it--got married, if it was once again Alex who proposed, Alex who admitted all he wanted was to marry Michael, Alex whose entire storyline revolved around Michael for the seasons while Michael's revolved around just about everything else? Marrying them doesn't automatically make Michael a better love interest.
You see why my problems lie with the writers' way of handling things? I know Tyler couldn't be there, but if people on tumblr could come up with better scenarios with Alex's disappearance that showcase Michael's love for him and their cosmic bond, then supposed professionals who had months to think this through couldn't manage a more intimate storyline?
Oh, and before anyone says this; yes, believe it or not, it is possible to love a character and still be frustrated to high hell with them. Human beings are actually pretty complex, and that's a lot of how my feelings about malex are at the moment. How they've always been, I think. Complex. But it was too late to back out. I was in love with Alex the moment he fought off his father in season 1, I couldn't turn my back. Even when I could see the train's headlights coming in.
At any rate, I had to vent. Another fic will be coming before the vegaspete au, a sort of cathartic work that I hope will rid me of all this anger so that I can write them as I want to see them again.
For now, brace yourselves. Because I'm not pulling any punches.
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Forever obsessed with and contemplating what’s going through their heads during this scene in S1e07. My go-to example for what I mentioned in my previous post about Isabella repeatedly oscillating between a tainted affection and deep loathing for Ray.
Any time she would find herself falling into the former, forgetting the circumstances of their relationship, him being the living, breathing reminder of one of the worst things HQ forced her to endure would resurface and how they chose to put him in her plant as if to silently mock her and unknowingly rub in how pitiful the life of a Mom would always be under this system. To openly love him would be one step further in giving in than she’d already done by accepting the Mom position and loving all the other cattle children she raised for slaughter, and she hated to give that much more of herself than she already had when she wasn’t aware of his origins.
It’s debatable how much of this is feigned interest on Ray’s part to throw her off to his true intentions, but based on his history of disassembling machines (per Shirai in the Mystic Code Book) and because I like to think both of them let their masks slip here, I’m going with this being a few brief seconds of genuine curiosity and delight at his final reward, all while Isabella observes with a neutral expression before breaking her gaze and turning away. One of what I imagine to be many twinges of authentic motherly affection and pride she experienced over the near six years she knew of his parentage, but it ends just as quickly as it began as she instantly dons the cool and collected yet deceptively guarded façade she began cultivating when she was in her teens.
As soon as Ray leaves, she lets the mask slip again (though not fully; that’s reserved for when she first learns of their connection, for when she discovers Ray and Emma are still alive after the house is in flames, and in the anime for when she confronts Emma on the wall; she’s still trying to maintain some semblance of composure. Even if her only audience is herself, there’s some pretenses she refuses to break under normal circumstances), tensing and drawing her arms ever so slightly closer to herself in ire and disdain as the shot hones in on the photograph he left behind with a foreboding musical accompaniment.
A second after she lays her hand upon it, we’re treated to the first of twelve tocks from the clock signaling that it’s midnight on November 2nd, 2045, but only the first one is heard on the final portion of this shot before transitioning to the chimes of the hallway clock that Ray looks at (an excellent directorial touch).
It’s really interesting considering what they chose to expand upon and omit from this side scene at the end of Ch22.
What I choose to view as their initial mask slippage isn’t there, and Ray looks decidedly more languid and nonchalant as it’s more sketchy in nature and Demizu was at this point still in the dark as to his ultimate fate, but it does include Isabella flipping over the photograph because she doesn’t want to confront how much she’s changed and yet how much has stayed the same at plant #3 since she took over, can’t bear to think of what she’s become and what her eleven-year-old self would think of her now, or perhaps it’s that and specifically because it was Ray who left it for her that rubs the salt even further into the wound. A reminder of why she never gave into those maternal feelings after the reveal and why she cannot give in now when she’s so close to shipping him out maturely as far as his records are concerned (I assume his actual birthday is in December or February and January was selected to throw Isabella off enough if she did begin to suspect something on her own, but maybe it was late November, who knows besides Shirai.)
“Where has the time gone, and what will I do with him no longer at my side...?” The comfort of the familiar, the security that came from having a spy among the children, and the many aforementioned twinges of affection, she might even miss him.
vs “finally, finally I will no longer be burdened with this painful reminder; I have endured, and I have come out the victor.” With Norman gone and not viewing Emma by herself as a threat, especially when she saw herself in Emma at that age, filled with despair upon realizing the true nature of Grace Field and feeling utterly alone in the world, Ray was probably always the final hurdle in her mind to obtaining her deluded vision of freedom within the confines of the farm system; the question never coming down to trying to save her son from his fate, but how upset she should feel about his inevitable demise.
#The Promised Neverland#Yakusoku no Neverland#TPN#TPN Isabella#TPN Ray#YnN Isabella#YnN Ray#Isabella 73584#Ray 81194#TPN S1#TPN S1e07#Escape Arc#Isabella#Ray#Isabella and Ray's Incredibly Fraught and Complicated Relationship Tag#Photographer Ray Tag#FSS Chatter#Video#me the first time i watched this scene as someone introduced to the series through the anime: ooo what mystery and intrigue is going on here#me every single subsequent time i rewatch it‚ internally crying: i am in pain. i am in muted physical agony.#debated sticking this on the tail end of my previous post but i wanted to include the dub clip because Laura Stahl sounds adorable#the balance of keeping it externally cool so your six-year plan isn't thrown awry#while internally resenting the woman before you who brought you into this nightmare and sacrificed dozens of children#and repeatedly berating yourself for still craving her affection#Isabella is such a complicated character that I feel placing her firmly on either end of the extremes is disingenuous#though with the route the manga took it I also feel people are more inclined to absolve her of many of her heinous actions#because the Grace Field kids (conveniently) do too#me living in my Isabella replaces Andrew AU that S2e04 gave me brainworms over#as a quick means to facilitate all the GF escapees to talk about their shared trauma regarding this woman#and finagling Ray's parentage reveal in there too because extremely self-indulgent ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
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Mooky, I saw your tags on the exercise post; do you have any tips for starting out weightlifting? Including tips for getting over nerves about going to one's college's gym?
YES VERY MUCH I DO
(I'm not sure what level of beginner you are so if any of this advice is too basic or you are left with questions just hmu I'm always down to help! Lifting has really helped my confidence a lot and has been like a miracle for my adhd/mental health/chronic pain so I'm super happy to share!)
Going to the gym at first can be TERRIFYING but I promise that once you get used to it, you'll find it really isn't so bad
When you're in that initial phase, my #1 recommendation is to have a plan of action prepared for your first visit. That way you don't feel flustered when you get there and ruin the workout experience for yourself. Deciding before you go what you want to do, (what muscles you wanna work out, if you wanna do free weights or machines, if you're planning to do cardio (running) there, etc) can help lessen anxiety. It's also good to have a bag that is your designated "gym bag" where you can have everything you could possibly need during workout ready at a moment's notice (Like a backup hairtie, waterbottle, spare headphones, deodorant, etc)
Naomi King is a youtuber who helped me a lot when I first started out! She has several videos where she explains how to use specific machines step by step, including all of the details that regular gym goers might not realize aren't intuitive (like how to adjust machines for super short ppl ;_;) If you don't know what kind of exercises target which muscles, she (and other youtubers) have plenty of videos that could help!
You can certainly do a fullbody routine if you'd like, but I find personally that it's a difficult workout to maintain. If you are limited to going once a week then it makes more sense, but otherwise it can take a good hour or more, to do a full body workout. I personally really enjoy being able to pop in and out of the gym in 20min every other day and feel the "gym high" gradually throughout the week
Personally, my gym workout routine looks like this:
Day 1: Biceps, (muscle on top of your upper arm, used when lifting a weight up), and back muscles.
Day 2: Triceps (muscles on the bottom of your upper arm, used when pulling a weight down), and chest muscles.
Day 3: My favorite! Legs and shoulders.
Between each day is a day of rest where your muscles can recover.
Each day should also include some sort of core workout. Core workouts can include crunches, planks, sit-ups, and ab machines.
My cardio schedule is honestly just. Whatever days line up with my hair washing schedule. (I refuse to run and then show up to work sweaty LOL). Bikes and treadmills are my favorite, but you should also try stairs and rowing if those are available!
Besides just having a plan, here are a few other tips that could help!
Have a buddy. If you have a friend that is non-judgmental and safe, I highly recommend going together. It helps to keep your focus off everyone else and also keeps you accountable for showing up!
Have a treat waiting for you. I REALLY love Gatorade, and even though its not really a necessity for hydration, I keep a stock of them that I'm not allowed to drink unless i'm working out, so now my brain associates yummy drink with exercise! When I'm with friends, I like to go out for bagels or smoothies afterwards. On weekends when I have more time, I'll make my favorite coffee protein shake as a treat :D
If you're working out alone MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC. Have a playlist made ahead of time or else you'll spend forever picking songs between machines. It helps keep you motivated and focused on yourself. For longer cardio workouts, I like to have a podcast ready
Perspective is an important part of going to a gym. PLEASE know that nobody there is judging you or thinking about how you look/are performing. From my experience, they're too busy absorbed in their own thoughts to care about you. Seriously.
This sounds stupid but If you have glasses? Take them off. I sometimes don't wear glasses or contacts in the gym even though I have pretty bad eyesight because that way I can't see other people. Out of sight out of mind I guess?
Some other tips include:
Be careful what your reasoning is for going to the gym. Are you going for health? Confidence? A hobby? Exercise is an excellent way for me to improve my chronic pain and mental health, but if you're going just to change your body you're probably gonna hate it and spend the whole time hyper focused on how your body looks. Learn to pride yourself in your improvement and your commitment to caring for yourself.
DON'T PUSH YOURSELF TOO HARD PLEASE I hate those internet memes that are like "If you don't feel pain the next day you weren't working out hard enough!" ACTUALLY NO THAT MINDSET CREATES INJURIES WE DON'T WANT THAT
I know this sounds dumb but like. What you do outside the gym matters JUST as much if not more than what you're doing in the gym. When you're lifting, your tearing apart your muscle fibers, and if you aren't providing your body with the proper hydration, protein, and sleep it won't be able to repair those muscle fibers with newer and stronger ones, and you will be left instead with several days of muscle soreness and no progress to show for it.
Hopefully this helps!!
#also I'm gonna be honest with you#I go off campus for my gym ;_;#I find that I run into less ppl I know that way#If that is an option for you#Also I used to work out in my dorm on days I couldn't make the gym happen!#five and below was a life saver#they have up to ten pound weights for super cheap#mooky talks#long post
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