i just really need to hear its okay if i dont hit some goals i set for myself for this week. or ever, really

I regret everything

I regret being friends with people not because I hate them but because I am emotionally attached and invested to them. I miss the days when I was the quiet girl when back then nobody bothers me and in turn I don't bother them. I regret opening up to people and I regret showing my true personality or atleast a quarter of that. I hate that ever since that now I have people that I don't want to dissapoint I suffer because of overthinking thoughts that plagues me. I miss when silence weren't suffocating when it was actually welcomed. When I didn't have to spend my time laying on my bed having these thoughts that just don't make no sense. I regret every decision I made and action because maybe if I wasn't friends with any people. I wouldn't feel like this sometimes. I hate it that there will be consequences and I want to distance myself I want to do that yet everytime I get to do that I am plagued with guilt and sorrow. I hate the fact that i am being selfish thinking this way that I am trying to erase people that i know are good influences to my life by shutting them out.

I am trying so hard to stop it but I don't even know why my mood is erratic. I want to complain and I want yell and I want to cry but I'm being dramatic because you know this would be gone tomorrow so quick and so fast it doesn't even feel like I was sad. I miss the silence so so so much. I want it to be comforting again not like now when I always have to talk because I feel like I would disappear if I stop. Yet I contrast myself I don't want people to stop talking and I want to hear noise and I wanna hear about trivial things that is happening in other people's lives.

I hate that my brain does humor why can't it be serious for once. Why can't it acknowledge the fact that maybe I am just not fine at that moment. I hate that whenever something is wrong , I would either joke about it or run away from it. I hate crying even if it would help me all it do is make me exhausted. I don't wanna die yet I also don't wanna live. I feel like everything I do is contrasting. Sometimes I feel that what I am feeling is just not real that its just me getting affected by other peoples emotions tbh I'm blaming the internet. My secret is that I cannot stop thinking. I feel like a jerk a lot at times because if I feel hurt I'll ignore everything and make it look like there is no issue like why the fak would there be.

I don't even know what I am talking about the only thing that makes me relieved is the fact this feeling would be gone and I mean it would come back at another time but well atleast its not everyday. I hate that I decided today to pour my heart out and I would regret this in the future but ya know kinda promised to God i'll do this shet kinda went to church this morning—. Moving on everything is fine tbh kinda tired of my hyper af brain. So yah introducing myself it is I and pretty sure I hab a bad case of loneliness, overthinking, anxiety, mood swings, despression?( bruh no Im not — I be sad not depressed its different ) just overall being human.

But even with all these thoughts I hab I still like to remind that I still have faith in Humanity.

- this was supposed to be a confession about my mental state to my bestfriend but I was okay at the end of the day and I don't feel sad no more so yah I didn't send this shet but thats okay.

I am still angry at you. I want to say thing that hurt you. Thats what finally made me want to stop being your friend. You made me feel like a bad person. You convinced me I was a bad person. Everytime I thought about talking to you all the words I wanted to say were vengeful and cruel. I wanted so desperately for you to understand, to feel my pain. I still do. I don't want to think that way. Yet silence is still a lie, silence is why I hate you. I am not sure if all the ways I feel hurt by you are true, you made sure of that, but what I do know is true is that the person I call my best friend loves me. I am so thankful she is not you. I am not her therapist, I am her friend. It is not a one way relationship. I feel genuinely safe to express my feeling with her. "Calling is stressful, could you just text?" You blatantly ignored me for 2 months. In those two months I had to tell my family how I was molested as a child while his girlfriend lived in my room. "Well I figured if it was important you would call." Why would I call? Last time I called I sobbed while telling you that I feel insecure in our relationship. Then was told I was emotionally manipulative. Fuuck those two months were more painful than reliving 10 year old trauma.

She has never stepping too far into my romantic relationship. She likes the love of my life. No "like" is the wrong word. She adores them. She doesn't put up with them; she treats them more like one of her siblings than a friend. She has never made me feel incompetent. Maybe that’s why I don't feel insecure in our relationship? She tells me when I have done something wrong. She forgives me when I apologize. We talked about how to fix/prevent problems. And the best fucking part is she apologize when she does something wrong. Part of me still finds it amazing that I can tell her she did something wrong. She put in as much effort in our relationship as I do. God-fucking-damn does it feel good. She is someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. Doing what we do now sitting on a porch smoking, drinking whisky out of tea cups, laughing, crying, and talking shit on you and her lost childhood friend. You and I never could have had that. You would have said that I was a morally bad person for smoking and drinking, yet you think Ben Shapiro makes good points. The difference between you and her is like night and day. When I was at my lowest you and I could barely spend a week around each other. Her and I live together and through the good, the bad, and the ugly we still woken up everyday excited to see our best friend. My sister doesn't tell me in private that she is a sad and toxic person. My best friend has a lot of the same problems as you do. Clinical depression, clinical anxiety, a shitty relationship with her mother, Sexual trauma, childhood trauma as well as different problems, but she still supports, loves and treats me like a person who has problems of my own. She still talks to me when she has a boyfriend, I am not dropped as soon as some broken dog with a sob story shows up to take over filling your emotionally void.

CAN YOU STOP LIVING IN MY BRAIN RENT FREE?? I have tried to systematically remove you from my life. Thank god I had only a few photos of you. I want to tell you all this so fucking bad but the idea of see you again scares the living hell out of me. I don't want to know how you would twist this all on me. How fucking unfair. It not my fault. I took responsibility for my part, as much as I could anyway. You never did tell me what exactly I did wrong. But I did get to spend two months trying to figure it out. I made sure I sent the last text. I wanted to make sure you couldn't convince me that I didn't try

Linking Mental Health To Your Writing

Hello people. I am currently on deadline, and while that is making me really stressed, it’s the first time since I started this post that I feel remotely okay lol. Here’s to finally finishing it and posting writing advice- ish again (half rant, half advice). WUUUUUUU

TW: depression, anxiety, my horrifying coping mechanisms in 2020 lol

Introduction

It’s no secret that I have amazing mental health, by which I mean I’m constantly laughing at my terrible coping mechanisms,

mommy issues, and occasional depression and anxiety. When I was young(er), these are the things that made me want to write. Because I wasn’t going to therapy or talking to friends, writing BECAME my coping mechanism. It was great for some time, but after a while it began to develop some faults.

Not Sustainable

Now, I will not tell you how to or not cope with your problems and mental health. I am not a therapist or a specialist at ALL, but I do know from experience that this is not sustainable in the long term. It’s okay to write when you are sad or angry, but when you’re only able to write when you’re sad or angry, it can become a problem.

Of course, if you write as only a hobby and a way to cope with sadness, okay, you do you. But if your end goal as a writer is to make this your profession and sell books, it’s okay to take a moment and breathe. For me, I did this a lot with poetry. I only wrote poems about heartbreak and pain, and while I was okay with this being my niche, after a few months it became extremely hard to separate my poem reality from the real one. The lyrical I in my poems was in constant pain, mourning for a love she lost, but in real life? I was yes, lonely and in pain, but I still had so much to live and laugh for. I learned to wield my pain like a pen and that was great, but it took over me to the point of it actually worsening my mental health. Instead of only being sad sometimes, I would feel horrible all the time. It was no longer just the heartbreak of remembering what had inspired the poems, it became an everyday feeling that I couldn’t get rid of.

Self-Worth

My inspiration being based only on bad mental health was not only worse for my, well, mental health, but it began to affect how I felt about myself as well. Before, it was AMAZING that I’d never written a poem and then I was spitting them out four times a day. Later on, if I couldn’t write I was a failure. I sucked. Not only was I broken because I was unloved, but I couldn’t even do the one thing I had learned to do okay enough. And if I couldn’t do that, what was I even worth as a person?

The right answer is yes, yes I was, BUT bad mental health brain told me I wasn’t. And from there the only place I could keep going was down, and if you think I became a better writer for it, you are so, so wrong. It got to the point where I even gave up on poems too.

What To Do Instead

Okay so enough with the sob story. We all have bad mental health days and sometimes we take it out on the poor innocent character who was been mentioning for the last 20 pages how eager they are to create a future with their love interest. THATS OKAY!!!!!! The problem is only when you go overboard with it and are only able to write when you feel like crap.

If you are in this position, first of all, you’re awesome and deserving of love, and even if you kinda sucked you would be deserving of love. Second, if it’s something that happens often it’s time to seek help. Whether that be talking to family members or journaling or going to therapy is up to you. But turning a hobby into the only way you may remain emotionally stable is bound to become a disaster.

I wish I could give advice based on my experience, but as I mentioned before, I don’t write poems anymore. I’ve become unable to tap into that brain space that allowed me to write them. I burned out, pretty much.

Now, I’m so very sorry but I’m about to self promote lol. I’ve been pretty open about my depression episodes because, well, I have a problem with oversharing lol but also, because I’m really passionate about destigmatizing mental illness. And so, it’s no secret that my upcoming book The Sun Leads Back To You (coming April 14, 2023 hehe) was born during one of my worst depression episodes in years. So how, oh so wise Lu, is that any different than using writing to cope?

Well, my dearest reader, I did some things that helped me not fall even deeper than where I was at the time. First, I wrote what began as a not-too-sad story. I incorporated many of the aspects that had me depressed, yes, but they were secondary to the fluffy outline of the plot. What I needed when I started writing was hope, and so I began to write a story of a broken girl who gets the happy ending she desired.

I didn’t allow myself to become consumed with it. With my poems and with the other book I was writing at the time (another big reason for my starting to write TSLBTY), I became obsessed. In 2020, at the peak of my editing The Wrath of Chaos, I once edited almost 50,000 words in one week while in exam season. How? By sacrificing the one thing that kept me sane at the time: sleep and breaks. For every second I wasn’t thinking about school, I had TWoC in mind. And for every moment I wasn’t just thinking about it or studying, I was writing. Which meant I was barely sleeping or eating. It came to a point when the few hours I did sleep, I was hallucinating. And if I wasn’t hallucinating, my intense writing sessions would leave me forgetting the world of TWoC wasn’t real, and it would take me minutes to recover from the realisation that Marty and I were different people.

In hindsight, the hallucinations weren’t that bad, honestly, but it was hard sometimes to know what was dream, reality or a mix, and that really screwed me up. So when the time came to write TSLBTY, I didn’t allow myself to become so immersed in the world that I would struggle with the line between Sofia and Thomas and myself. I forced myself to have other goals and a life other than this book. Did it make it harder to write sometimes? Yes. But I’d rather be struggling to complete a deadline than forget the difference between real and fiction again.

Along with one of my previous points, I’ve made it a priority to not make it a lonely journey. Writing may be one of the loneliest professions and hobbies, but it doesn’t have to be. Having friends to lean on when a scene is hard or to celebrate accomplishments has made writing a trauma-packed story a lot easier to bear.

All that said, I truly believe the most important thing you can learn as a writer is to learn to separate your self worth from your writing. We are SO much more than words on paper (or lack thereof lol). It’s hard to remember sometimes, but when it is, I think the best we can do is take a look at other people around you. Your friends and family are not just side characters in your story - they have goals and lives and dreams, etc, and so do you. Your worth is NEVER defined by what you can or cannot do. Realising this isn’t a guarantee you won’t burnout, but it’s a least a cushion to fall on when you inevitably fail. And when you do, at least you know you’ll be okay <3

Longish artist/writer rant/vent aimed at my ADHD under the cut bc I needed to get this off my chest-

Rip to every idea I have that my brain demands I make a reality when in the past year I've maybe managed to doodle something at least once a week and maybe managed write something to posting levels of completion once every full moon

Like. If I had it my way I would have whole chapter updates for at least three different major fics each week, and it would rotate between nine major fics each week at least, and be posting one-shots for random one off ideas whenever they came to me.

I spend so much time thinking up of tons of au ideas because i genuinely enjoy them and doing it, and it hurts so much that I am unable to keep up with my creativity no matter how much I want to. Im well aware of burn out, and thr fact that that kind of schedule is pretty unattainable and would result in burn out, but like.

If I could just pick up a fic/chapter that Ive planned out(because ive got a list, and tons of different notes for ideas I want to create but just can't manage to slow down enough to keep focusing on it) and once a week write even just a paragraph, heck, a sentence, or finish a small silly art piece or a doodle, I'd be doing better than I am right now.

This frustration isnt even born from the aspect of 'gotta keep creating content for approval' thing that it usually is, either.

Its a genuine frustration born from the inability to just get my stupidly scattered brain back together. Creating these things, writing them out, drawing them out, I have so many ideas that I want to explore even just for myself to enjoy!

Im pretty sure my brain wouldn't give me countless au prompts, fic ideas, drawing plans, and animatic ideas rent-free every week if I didnt genuinely enjoy exploring it.

I know that I'm not gonna get to explore every idea, but the fact that I have a good number started already that still cling happily to my brain even if its been literal months or even a year since I've posted about them, the fact that they and so many others are so present in my brain and let me get as far and writing the ideas down or getting to the sketch phase, and then whatever it is in my brain that kept nagging me to writing out for the happy chemicals and excitement of sharing it as well as just having physical existance and evidence of an idea that I worked hard on, something that I'm proud of and just.

Like a whisp ungraspable of smoke, that energy or motivation is gone?

And even tho its gone my brain is still screaming at me to continue it, we still want to work on it, we still have so much left undone, we cant stop now! But we cant.

Its like opening a door long enough to feel the breeze or wave at a dog passing by, but trying to open the door all the way to follow and explore only triggers the door to shut tight.

Its like trying to figure out how to get to the other side of a very tall wall. We know that we cant reach the other side of the wall, we have in the past, but sometimes it only makes it grow higher. We know how to do it, to get through the wall, but we know that it takes time and effort and a very specific amount of work to break down the wall, and we know that trying to do tedious tasks that are boring to our brain like that simply creates another wall. Sometimes we're lucky, and we can climb the wall with a burst of energy and ride that energy for all its worth to get to the other side, but then it leaves us exhausted, and climbing the wall will not be an option again for a time.

Its a frustration born from the fact that I know whats wrong with my brain, I do, Ive spent so much of my life with adhd, depression, and anxiety, I've had to learn whats wrong because thats the only way to know how to tackle the issues that they bring.

Its the frustration that despite knowing whats wrong, I still cant make myself face the wall like I know I should. Knowing about it doesnt stop the issue, using effort to adress it does.

And that's where I am. Stuck inside our head, with a creativity in constant flux, and more often than not inability to pick up a pencil to draw, or pull up a keyboard and write. Staring at the wall in our head with the familiarity of being lifelong acquaintances.

EVERHOOD: Pinocchio in Psychedelic Purgatory: the Rock Opera Adventure. OR: I walked backwards into hell, and felt euphoria as I became privvy to the Divine Truths

Hello tumblr people. I’ve been Away. I played a game recently and I wanted to talk about it.   damnit i really wanted to put pictures into this mini essay. ive been away from this garbage site for too long, i dont know how to do it lol.  ok anyway    First, I want to say to the developers and anyone else that this has quickly become one of my all time favorite games. Currently writing I have personally never felt a greater emotional attachment to an experience with a piece of software. Perhaps it is the extreme idiosyncratic nature of it, perhaps it is the deeply intriguing storyline, mostly however it is a combination of those in addition to some of the most outstanding psychedelic visuals I have ever seen, particularly in the finale sequence, and a killer soundtrack that combines many genres but focuses mostly to being as bangers as possible. I will be upfront and say this game comes with a boatload of trigger warnings, and thus the aforementioned idiosyncratic nature of it may not appeal to everyone, however I feel it necessary to indicate potential content warnings here as I would hate for people to be triggered: epilepsy is the big one, I myself have mild stutter based epilepsy and it didn't cause health problems or anything but my case is not universal. Anyway. That is a hard warning on epilepsy. I do it because The Incredibles 2 did not, lmao (that's an example of the kind of visuals that trigger me personally. An aside ) Other things include (spoilers): arachnophobia, misophonia (screeches, unsettling sounds), themes of death, immortality, suicide. Some game mechanics are not immediately intuitive and puzzles require some pretty clever but sometimes obtuse solutions. Direction is not always super clear either. People have complained of performance issues but I am leaving this review after playing the switch port, which played smoothly other than some awkwardly long loading times here and there. What I have played of PC so far runs smooth but as of writing, performance for me was fine (my pc is a lowend budget build). There is a difficulty to it. Even playing on easier modes, it can be quite unforgiving. If you're a fan of hard games (I am but I suck at them) and rhythm games (this is, uh, Not? That? Almost functions as half walking sim, half rhythm Game, dodgy shoot em up kinda feels. Truly unique gameplay I think. Constantly switches things up, too. But yes I also adore rhythm games, and yes i also do suck at those too.), half of it is that. The devs troll you with puzzles. It's truly a wild experience as it advertises, one of a kind. And yet, however.... This game wears, much like its heart,, its references, on its sleeve. If you are not into that kind of thing, you will probably be annoyed by this game. It also loves to delv into meta, as many puzzles and interactions are references to the UI of the game itself. Personally, I'm not wild about meta but I appreciate the ernestness here, so I'm willing to roll with whatever this game throws at me because every turn feels unexpected, fresh, funky, somber, and wildly intelligent, with boldly sincere ludonarrative choices, script and art direction. If you like Geno from super Mario Brothers, which, guess what, narrator here LOVES Geno from Super Mario Brothers, this is functionally the game you've always wanted that Nintendo could never make because Square has held Geno hostage in some kind of underground torture facility since 1995. Turns out they were rather right to do so, because when that puppet is out serving a higher authroity, he can be quite dangerous. Narrarively it borrows much from its sources but I would argue there's proof the writers have spent time thinking about the implications of their source materials worlds, and that reflection casts itself back to create this, experience that is wholly unique even if we know Red is Geno and "Gaster" (who was based on Uboa from Yume Nikki or princess mononokes forest spirits), and some kind of disco Marceline character who changes their identity frequently, skeleton brothers- well undead brothers, really - We have to remember in the creation and consumption of media sometimes, influences and archetypes are ever present and Everhood almost itself is a realm that would indulge in the idea of self referential material. It makes for this very Jungian experience of friendly archetypes we're familiar with, which works well with this setting of an immortal realm. Thats not to say the personalities we do meet aren't expounded upon - they are, heavily, and become uniquely their own. (Spoiler) if my theory is to be believed this world is a purgatory where people have made their own artificial vessels and as time has made them bored (though some seem to be having a good time) while typical strains of the Pinocchio myth are thrown in about questions of identity and death - and probably even more so towards Timothy Learys concept of the Ego Death, or the return to the collective soup of unconcious being. Undertale will probably always be a reccomendation even by its own reference to it so comparisons to it will be littered through here. It feels like the developers were emboldened by Toby Foxs spirit in game development (his creative energy is rather infectious) and shared many similar ideas, but this feels far more aimed towards a maturer audience (references to the things I mentioned in the trigger warning list) and focused on achieving this feeling that its predecesors have as well. Yume nikki. Lisa. Earthbound. Toby's games. super Mario rpg in its humor, Cat Soup in its psychedellic depressive vibes, all this cool indie cult classicy kinda mash up soup.  bizarre antics and then these characters who have surprising depth the further you go. It has been 6 years since Undertale came out, and the developers for Everhood have called a lot of the "what ifs" that fans of that game ask, an answer in their own game. (What if No Mercy was forced, for example? What if going against destiny is the wrong thing to do? Why is Death such a Bad Thing? etc!) And the further along you progress, the smarter the story gets, the more complex the narrative threads and characters. This game knows how to write compelling literature and that wasn't an element I expecting but god am I so glad for it. Literally my pea brain saw Red's design flipping around some frets on a streamers videocapture (shoutout to based fellow tampa native Charles White, thank you for being witty and having good taste and your Floridian comisery.) one night and went "oh i like." But the experience I got in exchange was, so, so much more than that (but the tetris effect won't let that image disappear from my eyelids quite yet haha.) I hear there are multiple endings and one requires a 3 hour long trek. I'm not done with the game at the time of reviewing. You bet your sweet ass I am going to find out the Ultimate Truth. I found a way to deal with some of the bullshit in other games, I may not be great at games but I want to see whatever imagery these guys put on screen so it compels me to seek out all the alternative routes. I am going to be following these developers projects very closely. If this is their debut, their next project will be ... ... I would hate to force expectations, like if you just made a magnum opus like this it'd be perfectly alright to retire, but I just once again want to say thank you to the developers for putting your heart on display for the world to see. I see it. I have dealt with struggles similar to the ones in the stories this game articulates about anxiety and depression, existentialism and dread, dissociation and all the heavy themes that were risky to include narratively - I'm certaintly glad you took the risks you did. May update this review as I get further along the story but yeah. Tl;dr: haha pinocchio myth done well make brain go brrr. 9.99999999999998/10. I am taking an infitisimal fraction of a point off because of the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ spider in the monster maze. that thing was abhorrent, but I won't let it deter anyone else who wants to play.

folklore think piece

for a lower case album such as this, i will be writing a lowercase think piece on the subject. i will not explain why. you get it or you don’t.

the 1: i have never been in love or any type of romantic relationship that left me with lasting feelings of any kind. but, on my fourth listen through of this song today, what once was just a promising and fun intro to this peasant girl summer gut punch, brought me to actual tears as i sat on the toilet in my lime green childhood bathroom as if i were mourning the one that got away (another great song). however, i am an expert on being hung up on the past, the “what could have been”, and made up hypotheticals. this song also introduces the film motif seen a lot in this album. i think dating an actor has really gotten to her. anyway what a killer way to begin, top notch stuff. how can a song be so fun and so soul crushing at the same time?

cardigan: when did taylor wear black lipstick? this is important to me. an old cardigan is an inherently bisexual article of clothing. that is not an opinion. i read it somewhere today and i believe it. this is the tip of the queer-coding ice berg in folklore, never fear. another reference, “tried to change the ending / peter losing wendy”. this year i wrote a movie script where both peter and wendy were both gay. coincidence? probably. basically this one is classic taylor poetry on every level and it being one of a trio in a larger story makes it that much better. yet again, high school romance is not a universal experience (like for me for instance) but haunting my “what-ifs” is going to haunt me for a long time. and the thought of someone saying i was their favorite cardigan makes me want to scream into a pillow.

the last great american dynasty: my favorite ts songs have always been the ones with detailed characters and stories and this one introduces the trope of the “mad woman” who comes back later on as well a long with many fun character details. at first this song is just cheeky and cute, very visual, a fun world to jump into. but then this particular stretch of lines makes your heart drop into your chest and reminds you why taylor isn’t just always fun and always cute and always creative, she also holds the ability to nimbly sock you in the gut when you least expect: “fifty years is a long time / holiday house sat quietly on that beach / free of women with madness, their men and bad habits / and then it was bought by me.” my jaw is still on the floor. and i’ve never bought a house myself. but i’ve spent numerous christmases having a marvelous time ruining everything (so i’ve been told) so this song still applies to my life.

exile (ft. bon iver): i’m gonna be honest. for as long as i can remember i have strongly disliked bon iver and i never remembered why. it is a matter of principle at this point. i just don’t trust him. but then taylor announced she wrote a song with him which filled me with tremendous anxiety. but i can rest easy. much like “the last time” this song is a ts and male artist collaboration i can get behind. also the film motif again: the only time i’ve left a theatre when i didn’t like a movie was never because movie tickets are so expensive and if i’m shelling out 11 dollars to sit in a chair, i’m staying the whole time no matter how bad the ending. but i probably would have left my sister’s keeper if i had seen it before if i’m being honest. so i get it. thats why i read spoilers for everything i watch before watching it, because the anxiety of worrying about how it ends make me not enjoy it in the first place. the end of this song: the call and response felt… ethereal? i felt like i was watching a broadway musical from the splash zone seats, crying as i was spat on.

my tears ricochet: this song is what i picture stepping outside in the middle of the night when an inch or so of snow has just fallen and i can see the flakes fall in front of a street light sounds like. or the scorned secret ex lover throwing themselves onto the coffin demanding to know why they weren’t enough.   which is to say it feels like a sign from some sort of god. yet again, haunting is brought up, an overt reference to the fact that this album will live in my brain rent free for eternity. for some reason this song reminds me of the relationship between hamilton and burr when burr kills hamilton. that could be because i just watched the disney+ recording last week. one lives, one dies, but neither survive, both pay for it. Which is a super romantic and understanding view on murder. both musical experiences equally chilling and moving. if i die under mysterious circumstances this will for sure be played at the funeral.

mirrorball: first off, this is my mom's favorite which is very important. also, it has skewered a very specific but also universal insecurity of mine; existing just to please others and yet miserably failing. it is comforting that ts is not a “natural’ and feels she must always “try try try” because i too lack natural ability, but also rarely “try” even just the one time. the best way i can describe listening to this song is walking through a silent disco where everyone else is listening to some classic lady gaga jam and you are listening to a calming lullaby sung very far away. but don’t let the soothing sounds fool you. it still will have you reflecting on what it means to look and be looked at. a dark rabbit whole, like falling through the looking glass. i’ve never actually read that book though so i could be wrong.

seven: i’m dumb and on my first listen of this song i thought she “hit her peak” at 7 clock as opposed to age seven. but i always saw taylor swift as someone with an early bedtime. also a fun discovery while writing this, “seven” is the 7th song on the track list. clever. although this song is young and innocent and so nostalgic for a time when screaming ferociously was a widely accepted form of expression, it also sounds like a very old secret someone is whispering to me. a love from long ago that lasts beyond the person being in your life, passed down to me and it all just sounds a little gay. not just because of the specific line to hiding in the closet. but that certainly doesn’t go unnoticed. when i was seven i was definitely in love with girls and assumed that was just what friendship was, playing pirates and making plans of running away together.

august: the eighth track for the eighth month. her mind. also my birth month so that’s special. controversial opinion: from what i’ve read most people seem to think illicit affair is the third song in the triage of teen love. i will strongly make the case that it's actually this one. first of all, the subject: a short lived summer fling, which is specifically mentioned later in “betty”. the central heartbreak of this song is liking someone who always belonged to someone else. yes, this song is a window into a different summer, far from pandemic central and the escapist imagery is delightful. but a whole song from the pov of the “other woman” to james and betty is just so much more fun. and there are two more specific lyrics that prove my point. “remember when i pulled up and said "get in the car”” you will see later comes back from the other person’s perspective. and most of all: the repeated line, “meet me behind the mall”? only teenagers make plans to meet up behind a mall. i rest my case. so now we have cardigan and august. two pieces of the puzzle.

this is me trying: i’m glad i now have a succinct message to send to anyone when they ask me what the hell i’m doing at any given moment. this song just sounds like regret and waste in the most self-assured and confident way. this is “back to december” with the training wheels off.  i have no apologies for my efforts at wasting all my potential. but in this song, taylor has opened her arms to me in a warm embrace and has forgiven me for all i’ve done wrong and reminds me to not take for granted the “try”. okay mom. i’m crying again, but okay.

illicit affair: this is the kind of thing that makes you feel sixteen, living in a dull suburb, while secretly screwing your 38 year old married neighbor who’s rich but wants to be an artiste. aka like a character in euphoria or something. it’s sexy and dangerous until you think about it and then it's just dingy and creepy. but this song starts and stays beautiful. most importantly, this song is too sad and depressing frankly, to be a part of the trilogy. we could never forgive james for leaving such a mess and making her a fool. you don’t want to be this girl. you want to walk up to her and shake her and yell “you exist and will not be ruined by any dumb man”. and that’s feminism.

invisible string: is it reductive if i say this one’s about joe? all my non-stan friends have asked me which ones are about him. we forgive them and point them in this direction. because it is lovely and beautiful that we are all tied to our soulmate for our whole lives before we ever meet them (because that would in fact mean that there is someone out there for everyone which might be naive or dumb but i am both of those things and whats the point of living if you don’t believe in the power of love). this honestly gives me “begin again” vibes in the best way. it’s red-era level with the wisdom of lover-era tay. sublime.

mad woman: the second mention of the “mad woman” as both taylor herself and the character in the story. as usual, tay stays calling out double standards and the manipulation of women into “going crazy” for expressing reasonable anger. I, personally, wish i could say “fuck you forever” without someone saying i’m “overreacting”. this is my least favorite song on the album and i’d still listen to it three times in a row and need to resist the urge to set a man’s lawn on fire. just girly things.

epiphany: i know she said this one is about her grandfather’s experience in the military but all i imagine is a slow montage of harry style’s character in “dunkirk” on the beach. and it’s beautiful. and much like my sophomore in high school self reading “all quiet on the western front” it evokes a pain from deep inside me that engulfs a loss i could never describe and a sadness too awful to witness. you will listen to this song and feel absolutely powerless to the will of the universe and it’s cruelty. and the faint but steady heart monitor beep in the background… i’ve never seen “grey’s anatomy” but i can imagine why it has so many fans sobbing. and let me end on this: two soldiers in some old war (meaning both men based on dunkirk) watching each other like this and living and dying together…gay.

betty: the first verse was pulled directly out of my subconscious fantasy of being in love in high school and it being so wonderful and painful and dramatic. and taylor riding a skateboard… is a mood. the song has been out for less than a week and it’s already a cold take to talk about how this is her gayest song to date (close runner-ups being reputation’s “dress” and “cardigan”). but of course i will still talk about it. the lyrics embody such authentic awkward gay energy (see the lesbian in booksmart for reference) and having been a 17 year old only three years ago, i can say with reasonably good authority that no 17 year old straight boy could stand in front of a crowd of peers and beg forgiveness from a girl he hurt. it’s just not realistic. these are all awkward, over-dramatic, young girls stumbling through love. and it’s awesome. james is the speaker of this song, and the subject of “august”, the summer fling that was never truly there due to james’ love for betty, the titular role of this song. thus completing the love triangle. and there are so many obvious references in this song to both “august” and “cardigan”. rhyming cardigan with car again makes me want to light myself on fire in the best way. i love it. “i dreamt of you all summer long” is the final nail in the coffin for the girl in “august” who was clearly just a place-holder. totally separate from taylor swift, my favorite word is porch. so the amount of times it appears in her lyrics is wonderful. say it out loud. it just feels nice. anyway, this song makes me want to be young and dumb and in love. the second can really only be tolerated because of the first and third. i hope the story has a happy-ending. if james were a boy i’d wish him the plague.

peace: the coming-of-age movie starring james and betty (and inez) is over. we have come to “the age” i guess. there’s a thought that’s gonna fester. if this song was just the line, “would it be enough if i could never give you peace?” over and over for four minutes it would still smash me to pulp and fill my body with helium gas. i can and will cause a car wreck when this comes on the aux. if this song is what being grown up is like (bare in mind grown up to me is like, 30) then i’m ready to be done coming of age. because i already worry if i’ll be at all enough for anyone and way too much for someone at the same time. but like all good poetry, this song isn’t about what it “means”, but how it “feels”. and this is new york city, the summer, pouring rain, a long walk home, desperately fearing and hoping they are there waiting for you.

hoax: a one-sided conversation between me and my stubborn clinical depression. i too, constantly stand alone on the cliff demanding a reason. one has not yet been presented. it operates both within and and against me. i could be bigger and stronger than it. but instead i tend to it like a prickly plant. (“no other sadness in the world will do”). there is nothing both sadder and funnier then the scene in “avatar: the last airbender” when prince zuko stands alone on a cliff screaming at the sky for lightning to strike him. i don’t know why this song reminds me so much of that. what a way to end such an emotional rollercoaster. it is so emotionally draining that it simply forces me to start folklore again from the top and listen to it all over again.  or take a long therapeutic nap.

there are no skips. and it will still surprise you on your 267th listen. proceed with caution.

i knew you, in a past life maybe. i have not met you yet, but folklore has made me believe you exist.

@taylorswift 10/10 good work

@taylornation this had to be shared and i don’t have a twitter so

Hi… I wanted to ask this on anon so I didn’t ask on your personal, idk if this is too personal or anything to ask but

Do you have a problem with people saying they have a mental disorder if they don’t have a diagnosis? Like for me so… I have been diagnosed with anxiety but I am like 99% sure I have bipolar disorder. And like I know you can’t diagnose me so I’m not going to go into depth with my symptoms but ever since I was like, 11, I used to get very depressed to the point where I contemplated ending it but then i would snap out of it and I think for me my manic phase are hypomanic bc ive never experienced like the full range of those symptoms but my depressive phases get very rough esp if I have external stressors but it will go through what I assume to be these phases like sometimes within the day esp if I have a stressor.

I am in nursing school and I work at a psych hospital so like this isn’t coming out of nowhere, I am very familiar with all mental disorders and it was actually during my psych nursing class and learning about bipolar disorder that I was like… hm… why does this feel like a mirror right now. I am aware I should get to a therapist and get an actual diagnosis (if I had money I would lol) but like idk. Idk if it’s worth going to my doctor at my physical and being like “hey I think I have this” I am lucky enough now that I am in a good place and can manage my symptoms but I am terrified I will go through a stressor again and lose it so idk. I mean I feel like I already know the answer but I wanted to ask anyway to see your take :/

Anyway idk as a future medical professional I think self diagnosis got a bad rep and it’s like idk I think for mental disorders esp you can tell if you have anxiety and it’s a persistent problem. You can tell if you have depression. I know bipolar disorder is harder to diagnose but idk I think since I’m in the field it’s easier? Idk I felt like a sense of relief with learning about it and finding similarities and being like “well maybe that’s why I’m like that”. But idk now I’m feeling uneasy bc I don’t have a diagnosis and I don’t want to be like, stepping over people who were diagnosed. Thank you in advance if you read all this and yeah I’m sorry I know it’s a lot and this is controversial

ok this is a long post so im putting it under a cut but tldr, no i dont have a problem with it. it doesnt matter if you actually have an illness, it matters if you find a solution to your problem. if treating yourself like you have a certain condition makes it easier to go through life, then keep doing what works for you, you are doing nothing wrong. this all goes for physical and mental illnesses.

im a firm proponent of self diagnosis. i wouldnt be here if i didnt have the confidence to research mental illnesses and advocate for myself. as someone who is extremely familiar with the medical profession on account of being the daughter of a doctor and a nurse and spending my childhood running around a hospital, im extremely privileged to even have the knowledge and ability to do so, and i try to bear in mind the understandable hesitancy of people without this advantage. i know that you are well within your right to refuse medication that makes you sick, i know that you can complain about a doctor that isnt listening to you, i know that you are allowed and encouraged to be adamant about things you are told dont matter, and in addition to that, i have a VERY well known doctor and a nurse in my corner, and i am STILL treated as though i do not understand my own experiences enough to have any authority more often than i am not.

the reason self diagnosis gets a bad rep imo is because people have constructed this boogeyman of the worst case scenario, people collecting mental illnesses they dont have for attention as opposed to what it is, people doing research into their experiences and making theories on what they have so they can manage it. youll often see the take of "i dont hate self dxd i just hate people who do it for attention" and i think thats very irresponsible considering a symptom of many mental illnesses is thinking youre faking it and doing it for attention, nevermind the fact that attention seeking behaviour is literally a symptom of many mental illnesses people often dont want to empathize with. gatekeeping whos illness is real just keeps people who need help out. i could go into an anarchist screed about democratizing health, but basically, as someone whos life has been saved by my insistence on self diagnosis, and whos life has been made significantly easier by treating myself as though i have the conditions that i theorize i have, self diagnosis saves lives, and i, as an advocate for disabled people of all kinds on my island, will never put any conditionals on self diagnosis. it doesnt matter if you find the right name for your problem, it matters if you find a solution that works. i have yet to meet any of these fabled people who never try to receive a professional opinion, only people who literally cant.

as for feeling guilty, ill repeat how i opened this answer: it does not matter what exactly your problem is, it matters that you find a solution that works. in medicine generally, there will be a wide spectrum of problems with overlapping treatments, things which are similar but distinct, things which look identical but are completely different and at different levels of concern. it doesnt really matter which grab bag of bullshit your brain is reaching from, it matters that you know how to deal with what it throws at you, whatever that may be. dont worry about getting it right, worry about getting it working. okay?

for advice on how to deal with doctors, its helpful to pose it as a hypothetical as opposed to an absolute. when i bring up things im dealing with that i have a theory about i say "i think i have x" or "i think i might have x" or "i have a lot of symptoms of x". doctors are often egotistical and are easily challenged so it helps to pose it at a problem they can solve as opposed to one youve solved for them otherwise they get spooked. in my experience posing it this way leads them to actually interrogate this line of symptoms, and theyll ask you why you think that, and you can bring up symptoms that led you to that conclusion, and ones that give you trouble especially. for example, ive said "i think i may have autism or adhd? or both" to several doctors, and they either agree with me (i believe its been put in my file as a possibility now although i cant get an official test done due to financial and resource restrictions) or they ask why i think so, and i detail what i believe is due to my autism. its small, but this reframing helps a lot.

i think this covers all you said but my head is empty as hell.

i really dont understand my own feelings

and im fucking terrified of myself.

i refuse to say im okay anymore. my head isnt okay

what im feeling isnt fucking normal

and i take it out on my girlfriend but in the same respect im terrified of telling her shit because i will be exposed. i trust her i want her and i love her more than anything. but i dont know how to explain my emotions anymore. i never did actually. im a fucking mess in general. i hate that i feel stuck in a prison of my own body. its not the dumb ass transgender feeling

its a literal feeling of a cage.

i hate the people in my past. i hate that they still have an impact

i hate that i cant control myself like i used to be able to and that i cant even take my medication because i tell myself im too tough for it lmao. i literally was so close to ending my life, but in an instant this time. not some pussy shit where i begged for help and then it was possible for someone to save me

i almost really just ended it. ended it because i didnt find value in it.

i dont feel good enough and everything seems wrong

but i want to be okay and be good and make it to heaven. i used to have a passion

i used to love god with all my heart but i cant even understand it anymore

its noones fault but my own

and that hurts even more

i cant even try to blame it on another its on me this time

ive lost control

i cant even think long enough to listen in my hour long class.

i thought i was broken before because of a family that degraded me

but whatever the fuck i feel now feels eighty times worse

but i keep it internal and i cant keep it in anymore

im going to fucking explode

im falling apart completely

and im going insane

and i dont feel that i belong here

i literally will sit in my car and think of scenarios

but when i actually start to FEEL its absolutely ridiculous and insane

and SO much.

i try to bring positivity and help anna

and i try to be sure that sentences like this dont happen

but flashbacks hit me hard

the hospital, that week. that first week was insane.

its fucked to say

but i felt like i belonged there. i felt like that could be my home. from the daily vitals,to the little kid that cried in the cornwr, to the creepy ass schizophrenic girl that was my roommate, to jenna, to my freak outs.

i was crazy. but i got to take it out and do it and have people who understood it and tried to help.

geneva ohio. is not a place where i can be okay and myself authentically

i cant even be myself at my fucking work place.

nobody understands shit other than the kids that were there

during our group sessions and even during school i felt like it was okay.

there is just a hole in my head that i can not find anything to fill

im curious about everything and i hve no idea what about

i have questions

so fucking many

and noone wants to hear them

i hate that i cant concentrate

i hate that when i tell my dad im not okay i cant even look him in the eye because all i can picture is coming out of the ambulance and seeing my mom and dad looking at me screaming what hppened

and i have never felt like that in my life.

i cant let go of that. i cant let go of the visual of mallory laying at the edge of my bed before i got sent away to laurelwood looking at me like “fuck dude. you really tried.” she looked sorry for me, but not the kind that people like want. not the kind of compassion

but the scared kind. she looked scared of me. nothing has been the same aince.i want to drown iut my thoughts

and my stupid fucking stutter

and i want to lay in annas arms and cry everything out

but i also want to fucking beat the shit out of someone

and thats not me. im not violent. but i want to like bEAT THE SHIT out of someone. anyone at this point. but whatever

i dont understand how things that are so fucking simple to other people are like fucking complete brain aches for me.

i cant go anywhere alone because i am scared of being physically alone but mentally ive never been more lonely and that scares me.

the story never ends i guess.

i hate how my mind can be spinning in circles and people that say they are there can be right next to me complaining and have no idea i want to jab a knife into my body lol

but then all i would be is a coward if i just ended it all. it would technically be the easy way out and i dont want to be that person. thinking about death doesnt really even scare me anymore, and that thought scares me more than death itself.

in a perfect world i guess everything would be fine

and i would be happy

and never necessarily need to think about things that hurt me or have those little bullets shot at my head with every turn i take.

but thats not reality, and realizing that alone needs

to be a priority that i take.

i probably wont ever live a life without triggers, depression, or anxiety.

and that fucking sucks.

especially because i know that people fake their mental illness just for the attention and they dont have to live with something that prevents them from doing everyday activities or being terrified of little shit

but in my opinion that attention people seek from illness or anything in general is the worst part about it. i hate when people find out about the hospital.

i get embarrassed regardless of how many times people will tell me its okay

like sure its okay. but its not normal. going to a mental institution shouldnt be something everyone does

or everyone knows someone who went. thats just fucked. and i hate that im someone that people will be like “oh emily went to one” or the questions i will get from people are absolutely morbid and NOT their business but i feel obligated to talk about it when people ask. its a fucked up world dude. and sometimes im really fucking sick of living in it.

i just want to be okay again, even if its for a second. just a second of peace and a second of understanding. a fucking break would be nice?

a vacation away with anna and my kitty? if i could get that right now my entire heart would be full. i need two weeks to mentally get myself okay again. but lucky for me that’s not possible, and some may say “welcome to the adult world” and that is such a fucking understatement.

this is never going to be over

and im always going to not be afraid of death and im always going to not know shit about myself and im always not going to treat anyone right and i cant fucking even breathe when im walking yet i still have to work daily. and im so sick of it from beginning to end. and i want my story to fucking end already.

God if you can see this by some small celestial chance you actually give a shit about Earth and its inhabitants fucking help me.

tw/venting

ayo the thought of having to go back to school in a little over a month is fucking wild. like.....i feel like i just got out of school and binge watched invincible for the first time. IT FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY. it’s extremely scary thinking about how fast time is passing by because i keep doing the same thing everyday. there’s barely any change in anything. not allowed outside. my IRL friends arent vaxxed yet, and even if they were, my mom’s suspicious of my intentions when going out. and lets not get into the fact that school doesnt stress me out as much, but i’ll be damned if i dont have awful test anxiety still. i feel like everything is fucking passing me by and that sucks ASS. my classmates are going out to beaches and shit, and posting on insta (good for them, i probably need to touch some grass) but like?? i feel like im just being robbed of my life. and teen years and all that. 

i know the pandemic has been hard for LITERALLY everyone. (if you said 2020 was a good year, hush, you’re alone in that regard bestie, dont wanna hear it) but i just......im finally recognizing feelings and all that (shit’s scary man) my thoughts dont match my body whatsoever (not dysphoria, its derealization, or something similar). thats so scary to me. sometimes i catch myself in the mirror and im talking and im like...”thats not me.....oh fuck, it is me.” so i dont look in the mirror and talk aloud, is what im saying. i’ll have a breakdown. but im extremely extroverted. i love people, and seeing people and hugging people. and not feeling like every day that i spend inside of my fucking house is a waste of time because time travel doesnt exist and i cant get any of these days back. at all. it is a never ending cycle. i just want a hug, dude. i’ve never experienced cuddling before either. i would love to platonically cuddle someone. but i got rid of toxic friends (still not over it) and got very radicalized...but for what. my own knowledge and betterment.....but eh. plus i traumadump, nobody wants to hear my sob story, i need to hush. and get in contact with my therapist. and discuss my anxiety issues. and possible depression. and PTSD and so many other things because it’s really not cute. anyways.

also heyy, my body issues are back. like?? hello. not that they ever went away, they just steep for a bit, then start boiling back. and that’s torture for me. having a generally okay body is fine, but then i realize that when i do wear pants, they’re either my overalls (comfort and queerness) or jeans. and yay those are tighter than they were last time. and i know weight fluctuation is a thing that happens, but i really feel like i could do more to not feel as bad. (i mean, sure, i could, but exercising makes me feel horrible mentally so). i see classmates thin and everything (i know thin isnt always healthy, but a part of me wishes that i was bone thin, we wont talk about it) and i know “every body is a bikini body” and i support that initiative 1,000 percent, but A. i have no idea if my parents would even let me get one if i wanted one (i dont) and B. i dont have the confidence to wear something like that. i even hate the fucking swimsuit that i have. i want the fucking full length victorian swimsuits with a shirt and fucking shorts because i cant stand being exposed. my stomach pokes out too much. my arms arent muscly like they were some years back. i just feel....so weird. and the “oh she’s smart, she cant be hot.” one or the other type shit that my brain keeps trying to tell me is real ia NASTY. like heyyy i have a brain, and i use it most days, but my body also shouldnt be fuckshitted like this. this collection of skin and bones keeps me safe (but not from my brain, its on some different shit)

another thing is that i can not wear exposing things. ugh, i would feel so just....out in the open. im literally scared of someone coming behind me and fucking groping me, or slapping my ass. (valid fear) but i literally fucking HATE feeling like that. one, I AM UNDERAGED, and two, ITS NASTY EITHER WAY. and if i went to school, and wore something mildly form fitting, i’d be pushing my body forward to look less noticeable (i dont trust seniors), or pulling my jacket down (i always wear jackets in school) so people arent looking at me. that sucks. and i wish i didnt make my anxiety that bad as to where it just sucks to exist. with a human flesh prison that looks a certain way. i kinda just want to hide my body. permanently. (not dysphoria related, my tits are fine, if they stay, cool, if they don’t, cool) but like...ugh.

and this is where it gets EXTREMELY dark, trigger warning for suicide mention.

yeah last year on the first week of school (virtual) i really wanted to kill myself. which like..isnt okay. i havent really told anyone about that either. because it was an extremely low point for me. i just didn’t think that i could fucking make it through the entire year. all those assignments, and all those days, wasted. im not learning anything valuable (besides maybe science and finance)...i dont know what the fuck i want to do with my life. there’s no such thing as ethical consumption so i’m gonna be contributing to something fucked up, no matter what i do. im weird. and political. and opinionated. and into so many different things. which, y’know, should be cool and fun and fresh. but it terrifies me to know that other people arent like me. that they many never understand my interests. and i feel like this with EVERYONE in EVERY class. unless i see a similar interest. or a tiny flag. but the thought of introducing myself again and again. to more people. who i may never fucking see again. who probably dont care about me. kinda discourages you a bit. so yeah, i really wanted to off myself. it seemed so impossible to get through everything. and then heyyy, near the end of the year, something really shitty happened. was depressed. told my mom i may be autistic... “okay...well....getting diagnoses takes a lot of money. so unless you have 700 bucks laying around....then no.” (who says the person who may ALSO be autistic along with me) few weeks back, talking about my therapist who wanted to talk through the DSM-4 with me “you really think you’re autistic huh.” of course mom. why else would i have written a paper about it, followed actually autistic accounts, and done research on it.

then near the next year, i sucked even more ass. friend shit broke me down and i felt....like i fucked up. which i did. and like i cant keep people in my life. (which is partially true) and i felt more physically exhausted than i had in literal years. i feel very deeply, and especially with negative emotions. so that really fucked me up. (may be something more serious, i have no idea) so there’s that. i just....i’ve never felt like i had been so awful in some time. like i let everyone around me down. so no more of /those/ situations. i dont sleep correctly when my hair is wet, so you can imagine how my dreams were THAT night.

but yeah, i dont feel like wanting to kill myself again. because i know it’s not worth it. but something just keeps pulling me deeper into these disgusting pits of awfulness. like there’s no other way out. (wrong) and gritting my teeth and willing myself to do things is going to hurt, but it’s quite literally the only choice i have. i cant give up. so there’s that. my thoughts and everything. yeah.....it’s 5:10 in the morning, im going the fuck to sleep.

in the off chance that you see this...

will you let me know if you do?

my little 12 year old heart fell for you stupid fast. it was literally love at first sight and it wasnt because you were cute (bc lets face it you are good looking). looking back, its crazy how much i loved you, or thought i loved you. we didnt really know each other at all, but i was SO obsessed. i still cant explain why, but as a 20 year old i think that was the time i was beginning to show signs of anxiety/depression and honestly, needed something else to focus on. you also know i just have an addictive/obsessive personality. 

i remember we talked about those stupid young times and you said you were sorry for how you treated me back then. but i have to say you never did anything explicitly wrong. i didnt know how to handle my emotions and thoughts, i mean i still dont and thats why this even exists right? 

i remember crying myself to sleep over you, i remember hiding in school toilets because of you, i remember SO MUCH. i was truly in so much pain!! 

it wasnt just you of course. i didnt get much sleep bc i was always talking to this other friend that i never really talked to you about. i was also really struggling with the whole popularity thing at that time, and just wanted to quit being a popular girl at school. i know that sounds dumb, but being popular really wasnt fun, at least for me. i could never say what i truly thought because i had to care for so many people. i would always accidentally exclude people if i got closer to one friend because everyone wanted to be that one close friend, and that made me feel like i had to keep a distance from everyone. i could never be sad because other people thought i had everything. and i know that sounds pathetic but those are the things 12 year old girls think about i guess. anyway back to us

i tried a lot of things to ‘get over you’. it was so fucking stupid. i wore rubber bands and snapped myself every time i thought of you. would you laugh if i said that my arms would be COMPLETELY red in an hour? i also tried to like other guys who were genuinely sweet to me, but for some reason just thought they didnt measure up to you, even though you were giving me absolutely nothing (no hate just stating facts)

but eventually i did. and i just didnt think anything of you anymore - not in a bad way, i just didnt have an opinion. we didnt interact in school, i think til h3, because of math class. 

i had no fucking clue that your ex girlfriend minded me. honestly if i knew i wouldnt have sat next to you!! i thought i would be the last person she minded - after all, you broke my fucking heart without even trying, you know? if i liked you so much and still couldnt get you to like me, why would i think she would mind me? i dont know, sometimes im bad at logic i guess

anyway, i still didnt think anything of you. we had nice chats, but that was it. i think you would agree. ive actually spent a lot of time reflecting - were we flirty? did we ever cross boundaries? i remember how you told me you wanted to break up with your girlfriend. i remember thinking it was cuz of christina - it had never crossed my mind that you would like me. but it turns out it was me!?

now. this is the part that has bothered me the entire fucking time we dated again. does this mean we betrayed eliza? was she right in being mad? was this emotional cheating? i really dont know but i know now to not get involved in a relationship with someone who has just gotten out of one, because my mind will not stop thinking.

i hope you would agree that we had a good relationship. i wasnt cutting much anymore and generally gave less fucks about other people - something i have REVERSED back into now. but theres this part of me who wants to suffer. sounds dramatic but its true. if im honest, i was always torn between being a cool, chilled girlfriend and picking random fights, and making you upset on purpose. because thats what i did with MY exes and i knew doing those things would make me better feel your love. i also knew i was fucking crazy for even thinking about doing those things, but having a good relationship just wasnt...i dont know. i dont know how to receive love without it being fucked up in some way.

i would say the final 8 months of us dating was us being so careful with one another. i dont know what happened actually. maybe we just grew and changed. maybe i fucked up. i dont know. but it was fucking weird. sometimes we were fine and sometimes we werent. i really didnt know if you still loved me

coming back to taipei for the 2nd time, i got hit by this big wave of anxiety and panic about the future. something i learnt recently in school is that depression and anxiety often come back in relapses. like 70& of patients experience episodes again. of course, i chose not to open up to you. i knew you wouldnt understand. i know this is just my mind thinking stupid things, but in my brain youre perfect and never upset. you never overthink and never look back with regret on things. i guess thats the impression youve made on me since year 8. but me? i think back way too often and hurt myself. i dwell on past things, and now suddenly im dwelling on future things as well.

this is getting too annoying. long story short, i went to therapy and they referred me to a psychiatrist. i got medication. and that was still in the time we were together. i didnt tell you and im sorry about that. i dont know if im feeling better now. but i do think about how things could have been different if i wasnt me. if i wasnt so anxious and DEPRESSED would we have worked? if i wasnt so depressed in year 8, would i be different?

im not kidding when i say i dont want to be me. do you like being you? of course you do because youre you. but im me

you know that cheesy line where it goes something like ‘maybe in another universe, we would have worked out’. its fucking cheesy. but i really hope that there is another universe where hannah is different and is someone who can truly accept love from you, knows how to handle it and not let it go to waste

Who the fuck is this bitch?!

Read that again. 

The answer is complex, not simple, which is what complex means you dumb fuck ( beep language kiddo). Ok, lets try that again...

Bad Bitch Who Meditates, a 23 year old singer with dreams bigger than the world itself, which is both a good and a bad thing, we will get to the importance of duality later. Either way she´s been struck by lightning and pushed into a corner loads of times in an industry where you have to fight to be heard and seen through the smallest of cracks. And yes I might also speak about myself in third person a lot, simply because I'm practicing being the main character from all perspectives, telling my story but also making everyday feel like an adventurous movie ( therefore the narrator vibes help).

Complaining, complaning, victim mindset bla bla bla you might think, im not gonna bore you, you know that things can be quite shit and you’ve probably heard about the `struggling artist” and all of that before. 

 Lets spread some more negativity shall we ey? 

Maybe not that either, im just welcoming you in to my brain and my stream of consciousness on the journey of becoming or remaining? we shall see.

Im not gonna be here being all fairy lights and glitter in my eyes either, I am tho some days, but lately I’ve been bad, not a bitch cause I would never, slightly a bitch towards myself and I haven’t really done my meditation, its like the second I put down ” bad bitch who meditates, thats my slogan” in a song, I was like, cool its in a tune now so I’ve done the work I can relax. 

Nope, it doesn’t stop. 

Consistency in self care, healthy habits and your mental diet, the way you speak to yourself, it doesn’t stop. And its fkn annoying sometimes, especially when your chemical imbalance is so imbalanced that you don’t wanna get out of bed. Ive probably dealed with anxiety and depression since my debut on X-factor, oh yeah shit sorry, I have a name too, Im Awa and I won X-factor Sweden at 15 years old, completely changed my life like a marriage, for better or for worse. In that marriage I found myself, lost myself and now im kind of finding myself again...

Ok this is the part below where you get to knoooow me or something...

 I guess why I wanted to start blogging again is A) I need to hold myself accountable to remain consistent with my glow up, cause I can proudly say I’ve really done some amazing progress and inner work B) I need to continue doing that and find my healthy balance and not put too much pressure on myself, ya get me? C) maybe help take away the stigma regarding mental health, and I wanna focus on the solutions, thats my whole new life concept 10 % problems, 90 % solutions, like if we are discussing something thats the ratio. Cause how can we ever see a solution if we go slow dancing w the problem for ages? 

 I know it can feel fkn amazing and cozy, like when you’ve been in bed w someone thats clearly not good for your heartstrings but you stay there anyway because for right now it feels all warm and fuzzy. 

Oh silly girl, I mean forgiveness, forgiving other people and forgiving myself that is def something we are going to have to discuss as well, its one of the things I’ve tried to commit to this year. Ive come to the conclusion that its harder forgiving yourself after being too nice, theres only so much space on the scale for resentment, but you go to bed with you all the time and you beat yourself up on why you allowed that to happen? (Did that make any sense??) 

Again, another lesson, feedback that we can grow from. Mind management, one of my fav terms, mind over matter. Damn sure that can feel extremely provocative said in the wrong situation. Im gonna be honest on here, ill make an oath or whatever its called ( oh yeah im also Swedish so we will have communication problems here and there, but whatever, I call that acceptance) ill be honest, personal but not private cause I need to protect my energy. 

I would declare myself a self care queen but babe writing this, I just had a massive argument w my friend, that made me sad ( oh im a cry baby too, thats even the title of my EP lol), I hate conflict but im really trying so hard to stand up for myself and understand that my feelings are valid too and that uncomfortable situations are growing pains for our souls. I had my first panic attack in ages because this year is just shit and things that I’ve worked on for so long just crumbled down in front of me and I just felt like I was again taking two steps forward and one step back but at least we are moving. 

Im not all sad, I’ve rightfully so have had a few bad 72 hours I would say, I don’t like this time of the year that much.  But I know why, because I've been slacking w my routines, the ones we´ve carefully selected through trial and error inna real life and w my therapist ( she's real too but you get what im sayin) , it's ok not to be ok either but we have to put some kind of time limit on it so we don't sink into that deep hole again, i don't wanna go back there and I know what keeps me with my head above water and sometimes even frkn flying. We wanna stay consistent w the flying, that feels good, that's a goal now ok? Cause I used to fall into that trap of the deep hole until the pain of the known got far greater than the fear of the unknown. 

Im happy we are here today, because as I said 10/90, nothing last forever, good or bad, which is comforting. Things will get better and we hold so much more power in our minds and souls than we realize that ultimately will mirror how we experience life. So im going to be on here, at least once a week, my therapist tells me not to set up crazy goals that I know I might not do because then it will make me feel shit etc so once a week feels reasonable.

 Im open to suggestions about what we can chat about, ill share my 10/90, I want my clever friends to maybe drop a quote or blog here and there, Im good on camera, like vlogs or some shit. I probably wont bring you around all the time cause I don’t have the technological brain cells for that to be very honest with you. Maybe ill just come up with cute formats to the camera, thats a word you are going to hear a lot, ”format”, I have a concierge business w my friend Amy on the side of my music career called ” Pure Intuition”, basically we create events, formats and campaigns for brands and make them come true with the right profile etc and we create FORMATS, but if you missed it or if I was unclear Im a super cool singer signed to Columbia UK which was my childhood dream, so we are going to make Columbia our BITCH in 2021 hihi <3 <3. I studied economic entrepreneurship in college and im very business savvy, I love creating formats lol. Im slowly but surely building my fempire. What else, boys, I like boys, men, cute ” god spent some extra time on you”- looking boys, I mean men. I guess we will touch on that in the most anonymous manner, maybe ill just share some past flings cause you know, they’re in the past, passé. So yeah who the fuck is this bitch? you will find out alongside me, myself and I

get ready for the ride

love and light,

badbitchwhomeditates 

ok but sam and the wolfpack would be waaaay better if one thing happened: sam went to therapy after 'the incident.'

Like not great but a lot of problems would be easier to fix

fuck what smeyer says, I think sam had anger issues

just him though

plus he was a teenager when he shifted, and I don't doubt those hormones added to it

I think that might have affected his relationship with leah too. I think that, while not physical or abusive, Leah just let his behavior slide. And I feel he did similar things to her and any destructive habits she had. (not a lot on pre pack leah, so maybe both angry? maybe some type of addiction of alcohol, caffeine, work, ect? or just putting up walls)

leah and sam had a don't try to fix eachother thing, both wanting it to work and not drive the other away. remember how young they are when they are engaged

after he turns and breaks it off, even that little bit of accountability is gone. he is alone to his anger, and he thinks its just a part of him that will be there forever.

because it grows more after he shifts, I bet he blamed it on being a wolf for a while, ignoring it

so he shifts and hurts emily, but Emily DOES NOT FORGIVE HIM IMMEDIATELY

(i could be wrong here and it mightve been a while to forgive i just am lazy to look it up rn in the official guide)

Emily can see that, yes, he wasn't thinking and lashed out, but its still wrong

She calls him out that its not ok, and sam isn't used to that. most people either let him do what he wants or lash out in anger at him

Emily is genuinely concerned, and he needs help

so he gets a therapist, and works through his issues

during this time, he and emily rarely see eachother so she can have some space. He knows she is still scared, and the last thing he tells her before giving her space is "call me if you ever want me around," or something like that. essential hey ik i fucked up, and i wont pressure u to forgive and trust me if u choose too.

also fuck imprinting rules, it doesnt hurt him to be away. in fact, fuck imprinting. I see it more as a way to spot an important person in your life. one can have multiple imprints for 500 reasons (like in this scenario, if jake did imprint, IT AINT TRUE LOVE SMEYER IT FUN UNCLE INSTINCT KICKING IN HE KNOWS THIS KID WILL BE IMPORTANT IN HIS LIFE..... this is a rant for another day)

so Emily: she will forgive him. why? well one, I am using what I feel here. I would forgive, but not forget that they are capable. And I know many people have issues, but I am willing to forgive more if you work on them.

two, emily sees one of the main reasons for this buildup in him is no support. of course you should take care of yourself mentally, not rely on others to get you the help, but look at our education. I didn't know how to properly put a tampon in until I was 18, do you think early 2000's schooling taught a lot about mental health. and once again, he is trying to get better. So at some point she would forgive and start trusting again, but not for a few months at least

sam starts going because emily told him too. Then he goes because he has no one to complain about wolf probs too (oh ya therapist knows). then he finally starts going for himself.

it was 1-2 times a week, then every other week, then once or twice a month when he starts regulating better.

as he gets better, he starts talking to emily again

as for the other boys? they are fucking teenagers with super powers

they aren't more angry than others, they just have a lot of fuckin hormones

Sam does urge them to go to therapy, but unless they have royally screwed up, he wont try to force them. if he forces then, it wont work as well.

luckily, none of the boys have that anger issue sam had, and he is so happy that none of them have to deal with it.

he uses techniques from his sessions to calm the others, and even learns about how to deal with anxiety attacks and depressive episodes to help his boys (he thinks of them like little brothers/his kids hush)

this does leave the question: does something trigger their transformations?

I say yes: love and a desire to protect

mose of the scenes of them shifted are for patrol or battle, to protect your loved ones. they are usually "more likely to shift" if someone close to them is threatened

of course its not like in smeyers version where they cant control it at all, its just like holding back an argument or a fistfight in the realworld. you can do it but sometimes your buttons are really pushed so you wanna do it so bad

anger can get muddled in the brain, and since its more of a mental thing, the desire to protect the tribe can get intertwined with a sixteen year olds desire to mess up someone who was pushing them around.

because teenagers are dumb. i know I was one. and with superpowers, even dumber, just watch x men evolution.

So thats my take on it. thoughts or questions are appreciated!💖💛💙

Could an autistic burnout display the same way as swappers soon to someone who might not know the difference? I want you to know that your account is very helpful and all of your kind words and the time to take to answer questions is appreciated. :)

Okay friend, So i am really unsure if you meant to type swappers or not but I can’t find anything related to autism that is called swap(ing/ers) or anything near that. So i am going to answer with the only logical solution I have manged to find, a commonly asked question.

Can burnout display like a shutdown?

The short answer; absolutely positively yes. It can totally seem like a shutdown especially to someone less familiar or skilled in differentiation. Even for people who are it can be deceptive. 

Long answer; Burnouts and Shutdowns and why they can be similar

Shutdowns and burnouts can be caused by the same or similar issues. Sensory overload, emotional overload, trying to do too much, stress, changes, and not getting enough allocated relaxing time. etc.

Sometimes at the start of a burnout you might experience a shutdown, but when it carries on for days or longer you might realize somethings wrong. 

The beginning stages of burn out and shutdowns are also incredibly similar, especially in my experience. 

-It can become harder to speak until you may be completely unable. -You may feel its difficult to move whether from a sense of tired, heaviness in limbs, or just the act of connecting you brain to your body. -You may have difficulty thinking, planning actions, processing information, focusing, etc.

The difference? A shutdown is like a fail safe for a computer; it senses that it’s hitting capacity and shuts down the windows and may even power down. A burn out is what happens when you force the computer to run anyways and end up frying it. 

My personal differentiation:

- A shutdown should not last longer than a day. Burnouts by nature are longer.  - A shutdown feels more similar to anxiety paralysis or dissociation while burnout feels like ADHD lethargy or depression dysfunction. -A burnout makes everything tiring, exhausting and overwhelming. Simple tasks that you otherwise could do suddenly feel like climbing a mountain. - A shutdown is a mental blockage. Parental control on every “site” you try to open. Cleaning? denied. complete task? denied. Talk? denied.  - A burnout makes you more sensitive and likely to over-react or meltdown while a shutdown turns off the ability to react for a period. It’s the darkside of the moon/meltdown.  -A shutdown results in a default monotone face thats typically unresponsive, while burnouts result on more overt autistic mannerisms, stimming, language etc. 

Thats a basic guide for now. If you search burnout on my tumblr there is a post I shared about identifying autistic burnout and caring for it. Learning about both helps you to identify either fairly well if you have decent self-awareness and assessment skills. 

Don’t feel bad if you can’t though cause truly, I don’t believe anyone definitively knows if its a burnout or shutdown or any other matter of emotional/mental responses. There isn’t a test that tells you yes or no it’s just getting to know yourself and making the call. 

I’m sorry if this isn’t the question you asked feel free to ask again if you are still looking for answers. 

And thank you so much friend I am glad my blog can help you! It makes my day to hear people tell me that. Also the kind thing, because all I ever wanted to be in life is kind. <3 

It is honestly my absolute pleasure to answer asks. I feel so honored that people would choose me to ask questions to or chat with. I will always try to live up to it! 

I hope you have a fantastic day!! 

uh complaining under the cut dont read if you dont wanna know potentially tmi stuff or dont wanna read anything triggering towards mental health and alcohol/drugs

im just SO FUCKING DONE. I work full time, not by choice, but because I have yet to be put on a part time schedule. I also am a full time student. This means the 168 hours I have in the week, 80 go to work and school, potentially more depending on the week. But im also trying really hard to take care of myself because last year when the last thing happened i fell into a really really really bad depression, relapsed, turned to alcohol and pot to cope, which i mean, isnt a bad thing, nothing wrong with a drink or two or having a blunt, but it became more of a every weekend kind of thing. I didn’t want to be sober because everything was just too hard and too much and it seemed alcohol made it better. I was really in one of my worst places in my life around October of last year to February of this year and I really don’t want to fall into that place again, so im trying hard to take care of myself. Im going to therapy, taking my medicine, caring for my health as much as I can, but its just, so hard sometimes. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety earlier this year, which I already knew, but now that Ive started therapy and treatment I’ve been diagnosed with BPD (or at least, semi diagnosed, she didnt have time last session to give me a proper diagnoses, but she says it is highly likely thats my main “issue”) and idk. Im having a hard time coping with it I guess. I mean, ive kinda known for awhile. I could go into papers full of the shit thats happened in the last year to make me think this was a possible diagnoses, but theres a difference between just thinking it to yourself and being told “hey this is what is wrong with you.” (im just now realizing some of you dont know what bpd is so uh, if you dont, think hot and cold, thats how i am about everything, if you wanna learn more just send me an ask or a message, ill share what ive learned based on what my therapist told me). And right now is a really triggering time for me based on past trauma and current things happening in my life, that plus the fact that my depression gets worse in the winter, im really just straight up not having a good time. 

Tumblr also hasnt been great for my mental health, and this is where it gets to the part where you are going to judge me so please just dont because i will probably just cry and log off for months again. All of those posts that go around that are like “sim stories to read” or “blogs I love” really fucking did me in this week because i kept waiting for someone to add me and everytime i saw a reblog where i wasnt on it i felt terrible. I hate that part about myself but i cant change it, i told my therapist about it and she said, again, its the bpd, but its just very annoying. I always find myself so fucking sad on this platform because i never feel appreciated, which is stupid because i know I am, but my brain cant turn off for five seconds just to be happy with what i have. Instead i have to convince myself no one actually cares about me and soon everyone will forget about me and my characters and ill go back to what my blog was when i started it four years ago getting one note per post while my mutuals just get more followings. I hate this. I hate this so much and if there was a way to change this part of me I would because its bullshit. 

That plus the fact that I havent felt good today (i have chronic digestive/stomach issues and have since I was a kid, yeah me) so i worked all day basically just being in pain because i ate something new and my body had a very negative reaction to it.  Which made me in a terrible mood since I got to work. 

I really wanna work on stuff. I got in such a big mood to write yesterday but i was too tired to actually do anything and thats basically been my entire life recently. I sleep all night and as much of the day as possible and when im not asleep im tired and in a shitty mood and i know theres not much i can do about it because im not in control of really anything. Basically im just vibing, but not the good kind, more of the “i hate everything and life isnt fair but im too spiteful to die” kinda vibing. 

There are some really good comments on this post.

-

"Do they not realise that deflecting with humor is a typical ADHD trait? 😂😂"

...

"Do they not know self-stereotyping is a popular form of group bonding right now within various (often marginalized) communities? Cuz it is." 

...

"Pitting ADHD people against each other in a roast is so intense to watch because it's more like a battle of "My brain is faster than yours and I can fuckin prove it!"

...

"Joking about things is how we break stigmas. Mental health, sexuality, sexism, race. There is also a big difference between laughing at ourselves and the crazy situations we both find and put ourselves in, and actually making fun OF a person because of what they are or what conditions they may suffer from. 

For instance I enjoy every meme I've seen on this page, but I dont like a mate literally laughing at me because I excitedly share a thing with them, that I have told them before... 😐  

Or 'dude! Just set an alarm 🤣' thats laughing at me, and not the conditions. 

One brings us together by admiting and laughing at the flaws. One makes the person feel like they're the the flaw."

...

"Don't think treating any topic with the gravest of taboo and lack of humour is a good thing.

Its not.

Let us, especially us who deal with both the issues themselves, as well as the meaningless pity that some people push onto us when they hear we have it a bit different.

"It must be so hard for you..." 

Sure I have those days when nothing goes right.

Tourette makes me pour the entire mug off coffee on myself, 

I hyperfocused on something so I missed the off-ramp at the highway, 

I got exited about a subject and got schooled for  ot being able to talk slowly and fully understandable,

I have days when the depression shuts everything down, and days where the anxiety takes over everything.

Most days are in between.

Those days all you hear is; "You don't have that, you seem way too silent/able/focused/happy or not anxious.."

You do know that masking isn't something just you NTs do? 

I don't mask, but I see right through yours.

If I don't display the strongest symptoms like the one you read and see on TV, that means I can't possibly have mental issues.

Because, that means that there isn't that big of a difference between us...

It means, that in a way, my fluctuations are more natural, albeit escalated, than your masking and holding yourself back, because it would be weird or simply wrong to not hold back.

My Tourette gives me the opportunity to relax and say whatever I'm not supposed to say, in that scenario.

"You want to tell your boss to shut the fuck up?"

I do that, just need to not use so much on holding everything back.

My Autism gives me the opportunity to not add emotions into personal questions, but ask them like any other, without getting hurt in any way by the answer.

ADHD; D&D, need I say more 

Depression; The ones I've met who battles depression every day are the most considerate people I know.

They are aware of how shit life is.

How hard it is to survive, every single day.

I've been suicidal in the past, I'm not there anymore; but don't you dare tell me I shouldn't tell people about it; because it may worry them, or any other excuse.

I am honest about this, I joke about it; to disarm the stigma and to cope.

My anxiety is making the first three hell of a lot stronger.

But again, its not something I want any sympathy for having; I want action.

I am a stand up comedian, I joke about all of these on stage. Not to be an asshole about it, but so it's livable. I'm not treating them like nightmares, like they are the worst thing that has come my way;

Because that would be wrong.

I laugh of all the weird situations that occurs. And I want others to laugh with me, to not treat them as a reason to pour sympathy down the drain.

I have five mental issues, but honestly; I am glad I have them.

If given the choice to get rid of them for a month came my way, I would say no.

Its not who I am.

If you removed any of the first three, I wouldn't be here.

I am glad I have them, if I didn't life would be extremely boring.

On some of the meds I had, they all went away for three hours a day.

No TAADA for three hours.

I now get why you "normal", boring people drink."

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