I am still angry at you. I want to say thing that hurt you. Thats what finally made me want to stop being your friend. You made me feel like a bad person. You convinced me I was a bad person. Everytime I thought about talking to you all the words I wanted to say were vengeful and cruel. I wanted so desperately for you to understand, to feel my pain. I still do. I don't want to think that way. Yet silence is still a lie, silence is why I hate you. I am not sure if all the ways I feel hurt by you are true, you made sure of that, but what I do know is true is that the person I call my best friend loves me. I am so thankful she is not you. I am not her therapist, I am her friend. It is not a one way relationship. I feel genuinely safe to express my feeling with her. "Calling is stressful, could you just text?" You blatantly ignored me for 2 months. In those two months I had to tell my family how I was molested as a child while his girlfriend lived in my room. "Well I figured if it was important you would call." Why would I call? Last time I called I sobbed while telling you that I feel insecure in our relationship. Then was told I was emotionally manipulative. Fuuck those two months were more painful than reliving 10 year old trauma.

She has never stepping too far into my romantic relationship. She likes the love of my life. No "like" is the wrong word. She adores them. She doesn't put up with them; she treats them more like one of her siblings than a friend. She has never made me feel incompetent. Maybe that’s why I don't feel insecure in our relationship? She tells me when I have done something wrong. She forgives me when I apologize. We talked about how to fix/prevent problems. And the best fucking part is she apologize when she does something wrong. Part of me still finds it amazing that I can tell her she did something wrong. She put in as much effort in our relationship as I do. God-fucking-damn does it feel good. She is someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. Doing what we do now sitting on a porch smoking, drinking whisky out of tea cups, laughing, crying, and talking shit on you and her lost childhood friend. You and I never could have had that. You would have said that I was a morally bad person for smoking and drinking, yet you think Ben Shapiro makes good points. The difference between you and her is like night and day. When I was at my lowest you and I could barely spend a week around each other. Her and I live together and through the good, the bad, and the ugly we still woken up everyday excited to see our best friend. My sister doesn't tell me in private that she is a sad and toxic person. My best friend has a lot of the same problems as you do. Clinical depression, clinical anxiety, a shitty relationship with her mother, Sexual trauma, childhood trauma as well as different problems, but she still supports, loves and treats me like a person who has problems of my own. She still talks to me when she has a boyfriend, I am not dropped as soon as some broken dog with a sob story shows up to take over filling your emotionally void.

CAN YOU STOP LIVING IN MY BRAIN RENT FREE?? I have tried to systematically remove you from my life. Thank god I had only a few photos of you. I want to tell you all this so fucking bad but the idea of see you again scares the living hell out of me. I don't want to know how you would twist this all on me. How fucking unfair. It not my fault. I took responsibility for my part, as much as I could anyway. You never did tell me what exactly I did wrong. But I did get to spend two months trying to figure it out. I made sure I sent the last text. I wanted to make sure you couldn't convince me that I didn't try