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alun-ura · 1 year

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Do they get jealous easily? Do they feel bad if they do? and What are some of your OC’s biggest personal obstacles? This could be emotional, physical, social… Are they aware of it? Are they trying to overcome it? (Alun)

Big Ol’ Honkin’ OC Question List

Do they get jealous easily? Do they feel bad if they do?

I wouldn't say Alun gets jealous per se, instead what she feels is something more akin to protectiveness and spite to some extent - the way and the intensity of it varying of course depending on the person. In that regard Alun is usually very calm, she doesn't carry a sense of possessiveness over people for multiple reasons; one being that I hardly imagine Alun being a monogamous person, but going deeper into it would be that because of her lifestyle and past experiences, she wouldn't want to be heavily romantically invested to someone so she nips it at the bud before it can even get to the point of bubbling such a feeling.

Specifying a bit HOW she feels, when it comes to being protective of someone she does care about - Alun isn't exactly bothered about them being with someone else. Still, it is a lingering feeling of 'Is this person good enough for you?, Are they able to keep you safe? Will they hurt you?' that can make her somewhat hostile to this other party, or even seem jealous. When it comes to spite, it is usually aimed at partners she doesn't care as much about - people that tend to be more physical with her and, ironically enough, people that try to make her jealous. Most times, people with this kind of dynamic already have a nasty attitude coming from Alun, of overall being a prick and not pleasant - she'd often describe such people as her leftovers, if the other party wants that then she is more than fine with it. It's usually in a degrading way to both people, which can also seem like spiteful jealousy.

Alun neither feels bad nor regrets either situation, she feels entitled to both feelings in the way that A) She is seeking the best for that person when being protective to the point of being horrible to them, and B) She was never in an emotional tie to care about being spiteful to someone, often lacing it with the fact that she would have most likely warned them that things would be like that. Both are not exactly good, both her behaviors and her reasoning for them are rooted in deeper issues within herself that just flower up in such a way.

What are some of your OC’s biggest personal obstacles? This could be emotional, physical, social… Are they aware of it? Are they trying to overcome it?

I think the main thing that comes to mind is her inability to emotionally connect or rely on people, though I realize Alun has many varying obstacles in all categories (go girl!) so for this I'd just go down the list.

Emotional; to explain this better I'll dip toes a bit into some past stuff as Alun has been on an emotional rollercoaster since she left the Steppes - which was the exact opposite of what she used to be like, in quite the opposite, she had experienced little and none during her time living there, to the point of getting into a 'stunted' personality and emotional. There was far too much to address and to live once she left, and hardly any care for it at the time as if one decided to eat a huge hearty meal after being starved for weeks. As expected, it didn't go too well which leaves the current times not too different from what she used to be - there was a myriad of situations and feelings she had never properly experienced truly, and the main and lingering one at the current times is love and grief. What slingshot Alun into the current person she is, how she behaves, and how she emotionally responds to things and people is the loss of a loved one caused by herself, perhaps the only one she deemed true in her life despite never truly allowing room for another after that accident happened.

It is one of the biggest themes when it comes to Alun as a person in a deeper sense of her character (and something plastered all over her aesthetic tag) but particularly this encompasses the feeling well.

"my death will forever cling to you, leaving behind a slimy trail and a metallic taste in your mouth. my soul will forever drag you down like the heavy corpse of a long-dead god, who somehow still grants wishes. you can't tell which one of us is the one not letting go. you know not even your own death will end this."

This branches out in other aspects of her obstacles per se but I believe it to be the biggest of them, realistically she should get over it - but the damage made by her and to her due to such feeling is the one thing that I find it incredibly hard to see Alun surpass as it grew into an enormous knot between emotion, physical and social all. She is constantly haunted by it, in her dreams and losing sleep over it, it follows her in a personality adopted by herself and traits that did not belong to her, she sees them in shadows and the corners of her eyes during medication, the crystal necklace being the only thing she has from them - that sometimes seems to talk to her with that same voice. And she has questioned her sanity before due to it all, even when she is doing good or when she is completely awake it is there as a constant ringing of what happened will be shackled to her. So it ends up reflecting an unfulfilled bond, in guilt and fear that she has to surpass to truly, emotionally connect with someone. I don't think she needs to get over ALL of these to make it happen personally, but because of the type of person she is, it is very easy for the other side to fuck up in the way and have Alun retract from any progress made.

Alun is bitterly aware of it, it has come into the topic before and she recognizes it as the issue it is when she began questioning her own sanity due to it, but she isn't trying to overcome it in any way. She has, as a character, gone full circle where she hated the lack of motion her life had brought her, only to willingly walk back into it herself - Alun is 'comfortable' in the stillness of carrying her life as it is until she dies and hopefully can meet them again.

Physical; I think this can be addressed both in a bodily manner and a physical interaction way so I'll ramble about both. Going deeper into that, due to the scarring that such a loss left on her, the regards for her wellbeing were knocked away as well and this turned into a couple issues with her current days. She has sustained a couple injuries over the years, the worst being over her ribcage as I mentioned somewhere here before - the wound clearly affects her breathing if one has a keen eye for it. She also puts too much attention into defending that side, enough to leave room for other crucial parts of her body open as a target. Because of her behavior regarding her own body, she doesn't go through too much trouble in defending it, though of course she won't take blows if she can avoid it - but the scarrings over her are clear enough. To this point, she doesn't exactly have too many issues besides that which brings the actual bodily obstacle; her dependency on medication. Her body is usually aching, due to exertion, injuries, and the chemical response to the constant cocktail that goes inside her - usually all deafened by it. It has got to the point where she doesn't heal properly due to it, her response to a magickal approach isn't good too in both the body and mind, and on top of it, it has been affecting her inhibition and cognition to some extent. Her necklace takes part in how her body takes all of this in, but her addiction is by far her worst physical obstacle - and yet again, she is aware of it but she doesn't see it as a problem that has any other solution to it because she doesn't see the dependency as the problem, but how her body & health currently are now.

The other facet of a physical obstacle is how she physically connects to people since the emotional option is usually out of the picture. This is the way that Alun will gladly invest herself into, though yet again it is in a destructive way as I mentioned above regarding her wellbeing. It is the easiest way to connect to her, and also the easiest way to completely shatter any opportunity to get anywhere 'closer' to her - and also what she WILL offer in most scenarios if the chance is given. This doesn't have to be romantically or sexually exclusive, and goes as far as offering herself physically to a foe [ in a fight right? :) ], ultimately, she gets the same satisfaction of being beside someone either as a partner or as an enemy. And this can go in any way, be together in combat or opposing, sharing a respite together, or in bed. With this, she is steadily building wall after wall that, as closely as it gets with the other person, she is putting her actual self further and further away while getting that high of a company she desperately wants, not that person's company but just A company. In a physically social way, I think this is the biggest obstacle and something Alun is actually not aware of - she is lonely and starved for different aspects of comfort, and she seeks all of these with the company of strangers regardless of if they are hostile or not.

Social; I think all of the above builds into her social issues and the knot I mentioned within all of these, that builds into her biggest social struggle that's her fear of getting close, her emotional distance while being physically close, how her medication aids in hindering her personality to an extent - all of these builds into Alun being a tricky individual to get close to because she is constantly shifting from cold and hot. It flickers back and forth, from friendly teasing to cruel remarks, of interest to silence, toothy grins that follow that perpetual monotone voice. Though the reason for it is an amalgam of all of the above, she has adopted many traits of the people that she knew, people that she lost, and built who she currently is as a walking monument for those. In a way, it is one of the reasons why she won't take the approach of just choosing to die - I know I posted this quote of hers here before but this is the best take I have of the creature herself about it.

“All that I am now, every memory, everything that I know, every thing that I did, every single fucking step of the way– I would give it all back t'him if it meant getting him back.”

All that she currently is is pieces put together of those that she affected somehow, that Alun blames herself for - and this shows in her very personality, in an adopted form of speech, or her preference for certain drinks, down to the very fidgeting habits she has. She does this in a conscious way while seeing that both as the person she is and someone she also won't always be - which can make it difficult if someone is after knowing Alun in a deep sense, of who she is, or keeping up with her behavior.

#asks #thank you for the ask!#this got #so incredibly long oh my god #I'm sorry NFJKDNJG AAAAAA #I was even like #hm hm I'm going to try and keep this short and not ramble too much #wHICH I DID I SWEAR #I think my favorite parts or themes about alun is #literally all of these aspects #she has so many social issues #and huge emotional issues #and physical ones too #go GIRL #and it is genuinely hard to implement all of these when writing her without being just Too Much #moreso because when writing her in a scene with someone these things won't be in their face to read like in an ask right #it will be small details that are JUST THERE #Alun poking at the crack of her horn or grinning and laughing are all signs of these things #even her speech #so I like to mull about these things a lot in my mind because they are core pillars to the character she is now even if it reflects in #too subtle ways #OK I'M SHUTTING UP NOW

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lamaiemiei · 8 months

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O Machine!

How have I longed for love, from the fire of the Sun to the hands of a false lover, from the stars and the bright Moonlight to my own lustful touch...

huge fan of the whole "Gabriel worships V1 as a deity" ship dynamic so uh yeah finally made something with it (albeit a sketch only)

#school is haaaard but we go ooooon #pretend-holy poetry is fun to write actually tf #gabriel ultrakill #v1 ultrakill #gabv1el #ultrakill #suggestive #tw self destructive behavior #tw scars #v1 as a godlike being in gabriel's eyes- now acting way too kind compared to canon #huge issue on my end- making veevee too caring #nudity because purity- scars because deep rooted self hatred- crying because despair filled his mind #gabriel IS INDEED crying btw #oughh emotional turmoil oouggh the angel is feeling existential despair and craving any sort of love #would need to do actual works surrounding those ideas i think #id in alt #tw self harm

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ferretwhomst · 3 months

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asking a gravity falls fan their opinions on mabel pines is like a litmus test for seeing how they behave around people with personality disorders

like oh you hate when the 12-13 year old girl has emotional outbursts and is oblivious to people's emotions at times? you hate when she acts Irrationally? tell me more!

#not to get discourse-y on the dash but like. it's true #this applies to other stuff too like adhd autism the like.#i don't even want to think about how these people react to grown adults who have issues with emotional regulation #let alone personality disorders #and look i KNOW this post is a huge generalization #there's probably plenty of people with pds or adhd or autism or Whatever else who don't like her for their own reasons #and that's fine. nobody is morally obligated to like her #but you get what i mean right.#ferret rambles #<- this is it guys this is th epost. enjoy

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puhpandas · 8 months

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And How Big The Little Things Can Be

(2,196 words)

Evan reminisces over how cold his house feels compared to Gregory's warm one, and gets some help when his emotions over it all get too much to control. Oh, and its also Halloween. 🎃

Evan has always hated the cold.

His father will keep the house at below sixty constantly. Both his father and Michael like it that way. They like the house being so cold it nips at Evan's ears even during Winter.

It's why when Evan first got the chance, he'd used the little amount of money he'd made on his own to buy a couple sweaters. His clothes had already been getting too small because of his growth spurt, but his Father wont take him to buy a new wardrobe until he physically cant fit into them anymore, or he looks ridiculous wearing clothes that rise at his stomach and choke his collar.

His Father had long since convinced their neighbors of his... feelings about the way Evan is. So when Evan had offered to do work to make money when all he had was T-Shirts and tank tops and shorts, they'd jumped at the opportunity to pay him for doing work like a 'real man'.

Since then, the cold had been a little more bearable, even though he has to wear two layers of socks and retreat to his thick comforter after school if he has no business outside.

Autumn has long since arrived, with the leaves turning shades of auburn and yellow, grass yellowing, and Evan's school library having spiderwebs and skeletons decorating its insides. His sweaters have gotten more use since the season started, with the harsh heat finally cooling until theres a pleasant breeze, the feeling of Halloween just around the corner.

But his sweaters cant stop the feeling of always having that chill in his chest when he'd hear a thump come from another place in his house, or when he'd hear a door slam, and that would signal somebody being home.

What a stark contrast that is to where he is now, warm, bundled up, and comfortable.

Hes sitting next to Gregory on that scratchy rug his house has in front of its fireplace, lights dim, the sun having long set, with a fluffy throw blanket wrapped around his shoulders and tucked neatly between his legs. He has only one hand free, just to bring the hot, piping mug of delicious hot chocolate to his mouth.

Fragments of their Halloween costumes are strewn across the floor, half-finished and homemade. It's the night before Halloween, or Halloween Eve as Gregory likes to call it, and they'd both come up with the bright idea of having matching costumes this Halloween.

They'd run around all day, jumping from store to store to gather supplies, since Gregory insisted on making their costumes from scrap. They'd already been tired when Roxy had taken them home, but still persisted and almost completely completed their costumes in one night.

Evan's eyes had been left stuttering and heavy at the end of it, shoulders sagged and body weary, but Evan hadn't felt bad. It's the first time Evans found out there can be a good kind of exhaustion. Where you've spent all day having fun, and still feel the remnants of excitement in your stomach.

They'd chosen the generic Angel, Devil, theme, but Gregory had promised him they'd have plenty of time to get through them all, someday.

It's only Evan's first Halloween since meeting Gregory, and he'd tried not to appear too affected by Gregory's words right in front of him when he'd first said them.

Never has Evan felt so... so excited for Halloween. Usually, its just the perfect opportunity for Michael to grab a one dollar mask at their local Spirit Halloween, and scare the living daylights out of Evan when he'd come back home from a good day, turning it into a worse day, because he wouldn't be able to shake the fear from his chest the rest of the night.

But this year, Evan has Gregory. Evan has people who actually treat Halloween like something fun, to look forward to, and not just as an excuse to scare him. This year, hes going trick or treating with his best friend, his family, and Evan's going to enjoy spending time with them. No looming prescense of Michael, just waiting to strike, or his Father, waiting for any excuse to comment on Evan's nature.

Its the first time he's felt excited for something like this, instead of dreadful. It's the first time Evan's been able to sit comfortably, and think of the coming days as something to look forward to, instead of something uncertain to be scared of.

It's the first time Evan's been warm, comfortable, and content in a long time.

The room is silent; save for the crackling of the fireplace and the soft music Gregory's house always seems to have playing. The only other sound is the general presence of Gregory and Roxy in the room with him.

Which is why when Evan suddenly has a wave of emotion wash over him, Gregory immediately snaps to attention from where he was nodding off when Evan starts crying.

"Evan?" Gregory asks worriedly, letting the blanket fall of his shoulders when he twists his body to face Evan. "Hey, are you okay?"

Evan shakes his head, gesturing vaguely with his hand. "Im-- I'm alright." He sniffs, and looks away when the tears keep coming, hiding his face as much as he can in his blanket covered knees. "Um, dont worry about me, please. I'm okay, I swear."

Despite looking away, Evan can still feel Gregory's hovering, worried presence at his shoulder, and Roxys watchful gaze on him.

"Did something happen?" Gregory asks, spitfiring. "Evan, if somethings wrong, can you tell me? You know I never judge you. This time is no different."

Evan shakes his head, removing his face from the blanket and facing Gregory. "Theres nothing wrong." He promises, and at the look Gregory sends him, he insists. "No, I promise! I-I dont know what's wrong, or... why I'm crying. I was happy just a few moments ago."

Gregory looks as confused as Evan feels. All Evan can do is bring the sleeve of his favorite sweater up to his cheeks and wipe the tears away, even if more follow right after.

Roxy hums, and sets the laptop she had in her lap to the side, sliding off the armchair she was sitting in to sit in front of Gregory and Evan, careful to move the headbands with a halo and devil horns they had been working on out of the way.

"Evan," She starts gently when she settles. "Are you sad right now?"

Evan's eyes widen, and he shakes his head, pulling the blanket tighter around himself. "No! I'm not." He insists. "...Which is why I'm so confused as to why I'm crying."

Roxy just tilts her head, leaning on one arm on the floor. "Okay, then let me ask you this, bud." She starts. "Have you ever cried because you were just so mad, or frustrated?"

Evan only thinks about it for a moment, his head nodding almost immediately, because he doesnt even have to mull that over. Theres been so many times where Evan would just smush his face into his pillow, and scream as loud as he could in his house. Because frustration is an emotion Evan is so used to, when Evan will wonder why Michael hates him so much.

"Yes." Evan says after a moment. "Yes, I have."

Roxy just nods, smiling that kind, but also wolfish smile of hers. "Then have you considered the idea that you might be crying because you're so happy?"

That makes Evan pause. He freezes, taking a moment for Roxys words to process as he turns them around in his head.

...It sounds awful when he thinks about it, doesnt it? The idea that he didnt even consider the idea of being happy enough to cry, because all he'd ever known is being mad, or sad enough to cry.

But that's what it is. That's what he reflects on, when for the first time, he's introduced to the idea that maybe, his emotions are just felt times two, and sadness and anger isnt the only thing he can feel intensely.

And also, that hes finally in a place where being so happy he can cry is a possibility. Is a reality.

Gregory must have noticed his intense thinking face, because then he seems to sag in relief, chuckling and shifting to get more comfortable. "So you were just so happy, that you cried?"

Evan doesnt answer for a moment, then finally tears his eyes away from the hole he was burning in the rug to look at Gregory. He nods, at first slowly, then more sure of himself. "Yeah." He sniffs, smiling. "I-I think so, yeah."

"Phew!" Gregory says exaggeratedly. "You had me worried for a second. I was afraid we somehow made you sad, or something."

Evan laughs, too, more tears pricking his eyes and following the tracks down his face, but all he does is wipe them away. "Me too." He says. "I was just confused. Because I'm not really sad around you guys."

Gregory just grins at him and grabs him in a side hug, shaking him slightly, but Roxy just chuckles, and hums again.

"Hang on." She tells them. They pause, glancing at her questioningly. "You two know how I go to the gym every Friday?"

Gregory nods, his hair tickling Evan's cheek, and Evan does too. Evan's been friends with Gregory for multiple months at this point, and he remembers Roxy talking about her weekly errand.

"Well," Roxy begins, smiling and looking pointedly at Evan. "I go to the gym because like you, Evan, I feel my emotions more intensely than other people might. But instead of it being all of them, like you, I just felt angry a lot. And it could get worse, and then I would blow up at people, or cry really hard."

Evan listens intensely, eyes wide. He nods, an invitation for Roxy to keep going, and she keeps that encouraging smile on her face. "It was like that for a long time. From when I was your age, to when I was a teenager. But it was only that way because I hadn't found my outlet yet."

Evan tilts his head. "Outlet?"

"I found out that hitting, or punching things, helps me channel my anger into one place, and let it all out without it affecting me or somebody else in a bad way." Roxy explains. "It helps to know you have a special time and place to let the emotions that build up inside of you out, so when they start to get bad before you're at that special spot, you can control them easier. Save them for when you know you'll be able to let them out."

Evan nods rapidly, soaking up every word. Hes never heard an adult talk about things he struggles with seriously before, let alone somebody who also experiences the same problem, and knows how to help. "So if I punch things, will it help me not cry so much?"

Roxy shakes her head, still smiling. "Probably not, Rockstar." She tells him, but before he can get too disappointed, keeps going. "But, we dont know. Things may not be the same for you the way they are for me, but if you try things out, eventually, you'll find the way that works best for you to let all your emotions out, so you dont blow up or they dont get uncontrollable in places you dont want them to."

Evan smiles, running the words over in his head. It's the first time theres ever been any indication that he can change, not for his family, but for himself. It's the first time Evan's felt like theres light at the end of the tunnel when it comes to his inner turmoil.

"If I could do it, you can too, Evan. My family didnt know how to help, but it was their support along with my friends' that helped me learn how to help myself."

"Well, you got us." Gregory pipes up, voice loud in Evan's ear. Gregory squeezes his shoulders a little tighter, twisting his body to be in Evans field of vision. "I'll help you find what your..." He pauses for a moment. "outlet is. I promise."

Evan smiles, moving to shift his neck to be pressed against Gregory. "Thank you." He says. To both of them. He meets Roxys eyes, and tries to express his gratitude with just his gaze.

Roxy seems to understand, because she just nods at him, as if to say 'I know you'll do great'.

"You should try punching Michael to see if thats your outlet." Gregory says. "I think that's a pretty good idea."

Evan splutters a laugh at that, and he can see Gregory grinning, too.

Evan's eyes are heavy, and sore from crying. Both from the exciting day he just had and from the emotions he just filed through, so when he let's himself lean against Gregory, body weary and cheeks littered with dried tear tracks, Gregory sits strong, and leans back as well.

Evan falls asleep like that, surrounded by warmth in more ways than one.

ao3 link

#i said it in the fic #but this is only months into their friendship #so evan hasnt developed more control over his emotions yet and that only actually starts here.#but evan is for sure already aware of how much more he likes it with gregory and his family than his own #and is close with gregory at this point #also where hes starting to bond more with other members of gregorys family #roxy was a good choice for this fic i think because i feel like with roxys obvious emotional issues #alongside self image issues they could relate!!#evan for sure feels bad about himslef for being the way he is #because hes only ever been taught that the way he is is bad or wrong or embarrassing.#but roxy being an actual adult whos been there done that who can help and takes him seriously is like. huge for him #flashlight duo #flashlight duo modern au #gregory and evan #the fazbears #pandas writes #holiday oneshot #halloween oneshot #flashlight duo oneshots #fnaf gregory #evan afton #my fics #oneshot #ficlet #fnaf fic

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aria0fgold · 2 months

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FINALLY! I got to learn more about Colours in isat. I've been thinking bout that so much and I finally found the other book needed for it. So colours only appear when something "breaks" huh...

#aria rants #isat spoilers #i was looking at the isat wiki and found out that there was an issue #couldn't find it tho... but i at least found the colours one! hmmmm when smth breaks. first time it appeared was when #the king and siffrin tried to say the country's name. and the 2nd time was when the world was getting destroyed #and the 3rd and last time was in loop's eye during the fight. for the 1st one it was cuz the wish was breaking.#for the 2nd one itd be.... is it also a wish breaking? the sky was dyed red with a visible crack out the balcony even before #siffrin lost control of their emotion and became Huge. a wish was possibly breaking then. considering siffrin's wish being #''fused'' with all of vaugarde in Some form. vaugarde was saved but siffrin's wish was Breaking. cuz during that point #siffrin barely had enough energy to use time craft to loop back and nothing else was addressed about the family members leaving #so in a way. siffrin's wish was breaking (and considering the power his wish had. itd be quite the effect if it broke)#but what about loop? what was breaking for their wish? and well it also isnt in a large scale as the Country and siff's wish #since the red only appeared on loop's eye. so its more of an ''internal'' thing. maybe... it was siffrin leaving?#so that could also be why loop disappeared at the end. cuz their wish broke in some way. wtv the wish was #tbf i havent checked the sad diary in act 5 yet so im not rlly sure who that diary belongs to but i rlly believe that its loop's

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fellhellion · 10 months

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I have a rich inner world abt both iterations of Miguel and the relationship to fatherhood <- literally just hc

#90s miguel would explode on the spot if he spontaneously became a father shdjdjfjfjf he’s barely grappling through the emotional arc of #trying to become a better man AND he has the most hang ups ever regarding parents in general.#BUT. but. his biggest issue w being a dad would honestly be his own tendency towards self sabotage AND the fact Miguel is like. desperately #scared he’s bound to his own blood. he’d honestly probably fuck up being a dad not because he lacks the capability to be a kind man (all of #2099 demonstrates he DOES have the ability and desire to change) but because #he’d be scared he’d intrinsically fuck it up and in that fear. actually fuck it up. and then see those mistakes as further proof he just #isn’t capable of this.#not to mention like. given just how complicated his relationship with his family is I don’t think fatherhood would EVER have been something #90s miguel would’ve even THOUGHT of. he’s too busy been terrified he’ll turn into his OWN father(s)#atsv miguel on the other hand. difficult to draw too many concrete strands of analysis from because we don’t know how his past will be #conceptualised. BUT I personally like to think he’s very similar to the 90s counterpart except he sees a version of himself as a father.#and he sees that version of himself be HAPPY as a father. be a *good* father. someone who raised a sweet daughter. who lives with definitive #proof that you aren’t bound to enact pain upon your children. that you CAN be a better parent than the ones you had.#I think THAT would shake Miguel. and I like to think atsv Miguel didn’t know he wanted to be a dad - didn’t even THINK of it - until he saw #a reflection of himself that said this was possible. that you can go on and have a family of your own and you can choose to make it a good #and loving thing.#ANYWAYS. ✌️ she came. she posted a huge Miguel rant. she left ✌️#tunes talks spiderverse #tunes talks 2099

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wyrmflight · 8 months

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By Archdevil standards, Zariel is a bull in the china shop of the Nine Hells. By mortal standards, of course, she is incredibly intelligent, cunning and dangerous -- with immense arcane knowledge and all the charisma and wiles expected of a fallen angel. But to her fellow archdukes, she's a hammer of a person. A vicious warmonger, who handles things with about as much subtlety as a flail to the jaw, and does not like to play the games of infernal politics. She does her own duty, curates her own army, and rules over Avernus with an iron fist... largely because almost nobody with enough power in the hells to challenge her actually wants the duty that is babysitting the front lines of the blood war.

Her calling Karlach a cudgel is ironic, because this is more or less exactly how Asmodeus views her -- though he has enough tact not to say it out loud.

#⟦ 🜂 ' ooc. ⟧#⟦ 🜂 ' headcanon ( zariel ). ⟧#she's the darth vader to asmodeus's emperor palpatine #in that she's a huge scary enforcer with emotional issues a bad sunk cost fallacy leash tying her to his evil chair

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phynali · 1 year

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One thing I don't see people talk about much in the context of anxiety is how freaking annoying it is.

Anxiety is borrowing energy from the future. There's this Thing, real or imagined, that's looming, or that could happen, so you gotta prepare and be ready, so you mobilize your energy resources toward it. "Very slow tigers are chasing me" and all that -- the tiger is somewhere out there and you gotta be Ready and not relax or else it might get you.

And I've been doing a lot to work with instead of against my anxiety, like "okay there is a Thing that's stressing me and all my energy is being mobilized worrying about that thing Now, so what can I do Now to put this energy to work? What steps can I take with all this anxious energy to get ready for that very slow tiger's arrival?"

Which is good and fine and can help dissipate the anxiety, yay, but -

But sometimes there's nothing more you can do to prep for that slow tiger. You've got everything ready and done everything you can do and the tiger is actually a cub like it's not even a threat, but you're still buzzing with energy waiting for it to show up.

Which itself is annoying because you wanna relax and you try your distractions and meditations and other tools and they help maybe but they don't necessarily change or fix the fact that the tiger is on its way, and your body and brain are demanding you Be Ready.

But far more annoying? That's a lot of energy mobilized, a lot of resources spent. So after long enough you feel spent, because you haven't hit a full state of relaxation or slept that well or truly recharged -- you're still using up that energy Staying Alert for the tiger.

And then you have no energy left for other shit! And the tiger is still on its way! And the other shit starts turning into little baby tigers because you didn't have the focus or lost the energy to direct toward it effectively.

Rinse and repeat. And it's annoying af.

#anxiety #is dumb #I'm a million times better at managing it than i used to be #it used to be distressing now it's more annoying #which like - huge improvement #and those methods and tactics do work and help!#which yeah they are research informed methods #blending and adaptively applying both problem-focused and emotion-focused coping #it's just that sometimes it's not enough especially in a busy capitalist society #where there isn't enough time or space to let one thing breathe and pause the rest #it all keeps coming and you're not given enough room to really effectively relax and recharge #i think that's the real crux of it honestly and it's a societal issue that's getting worse #with improvements in digital technologies and with the attention economy #and the availability to be reached anywhere and work anywhere and the way that bleeds into a constant churn of expectation and action #anyway this isn't new information #I'm just tired today because there's a tiger waiting for me this afternoon #that i did all i could to prep for but still couldn't relax from #so am annoyed and sleepy-grumpy

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httpiastri · 13 days

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if I may... I'm happy Paul walked off the podium without the celebration. cause he seemed so angry that I could totally see him punching Franco in the face. he needs to calm down by himself, to munch through that bitter pill... and he'll be okay.

honestly yes i feel the same way. i see a lot of drivers who force a smile and pretend like all is okay, and that's respectful and everything. but part of what i really like about paul and his driving is that he's never really satisfied and happy, and he doesn't pretend to be okay with a result that isn't okay. instead, he refocuses his energy, and performs better the next race. i promise, as long as he doesn't get taken out by someone else tomorrow, he will have a lovely feature

(like ollie goethe, i love that guy but i wouldve liked to see him more upset about losing the win. but then again, maybe he knew even there and then that he would get the win back so he didnt care 🤣)

#its good that he went and cooled off instead i think #when the emotions get too much its hard to just shut them off #im often like that with the girls that i coach too… like some of them who have a lot of issues with managing their anger #instead of saying 'come here and be happy' its better to take a few moments alone to process it #otherwise its soooo easy to get irritated at every little thing and then it becomes something huge when its something small in reality #idk im proud of him either way #he had a lovely race until that second #he deserved the win #asks!#anon!

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herestoburiedsecrets · 2 years

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Thinking a lot about Mary moving on…

I love how it was handled, for although while the ghosts talked about it a fair bit, I didn’t actually think the show would go there, and I think it was portrayed really well. It makes sense for Mary’s character development, especially given that she mentions in 2x4 that she ‘dreamed of the day when [she] would be sucked off’ which makes this a happy ending for her, but it still hurts so much, and I don’t think i have even fully accepted it yet.

I am a bit unsure as to whether her moving on was something that almost randomly occurred or whether it was due to the fact that she was healing from her trauma in a ‘unfinished business’ type way. I am leaning more towards the former just because of the actual timing of her moving on, although it did happen quite shortly after some huge character growth and development within the season.

I do love the thought that her healing and sharing her trauma and finding her voice led to her moving on, but the implications of that are very hard to accept, because it means that any growth or development of the characters could lead to their eventual sucking off, and that is so hard to think about. It implies that the Captain learning to let go and express his emotions and accept his sexuality will mean that he will move on, or Kitty coming to terms and accepting how her sister actually treated her and finding a new family in the ghosts leading to her moving on, and that is so overwhelming to think about because I really don’t want any more of the ghosts to move on. I know it is an inevitability with the actual rules set within the show, but I really love these characters and I would hate for them to not exist anymore.

If moving on is a more random process, which I am inferring it is given how it just *happens*, then it means that none of the ghosts will necessarily move on if they change and grow and develop, which is comforting because I really want to see them all learn and develop without the knowledge that all this change is bringing them closer to not-existing, because I feel like that means I can’t enjoy their character development as much, or appreciate how they are all growing as people. I want each ghost to personally grow, but also to be able to sit and exist with the growth without it meaning that they have to leave the world behind for good.

Mary was, in my opinion, the perfect character to move on, not only because of her amazing recent character development but also because of Annie, because Annie was her best friend in a way that none of the other ghosts were, and so in a way it felt right for Mary to go with Annie. Also while I am sure a lot of ghosts would like to move on (probably Robin especially, definitely not Thomas tho), Mary has explicitly stated her desire to move on, which makes me happy for her since she got her desire, even though it is terribly painful to watch. Being a ghost is it’s own specific form of torturous existence, but it also allows the ghosts another shot, and they have become a family together, and I really don’t want to see anyone else move on.

#i am feeling a lot of very complicated feelings about just the concept of moving on and i wrote this post to help me make sense of them a #bit so sorry if it doesn’t really make sense #bbc ghosts #bbc ghosts spoilers #bbc ghosts season 4 #like I completely understand that moving on is probably what many of the ghosts want but it is so scary to think about #especially with my favourite characters - like Cap has had so much development and growth over the seasons and I really don’t want that to #mean that after he comes out he will move on because to me that cheapens the development if that makes sense #i would love for Cap to be able to talk openly about his sexuality and express himself fully #but not at the expense of his existence as a ghost #and that is applicable to all of the ghosts but I am thinking about Cap a lot because he has a lot of huge character development throughout #the show and has a clear path of development that we as the audience can see because he has three main issues that have been clearly defined #throughout the show (which are all interlinked to some degree) - 1. his inability to express and fully accept his own sexuality 2. his #difficulty letting go of the war and extracting himself from his role in the war and 3. his general repression of all emotions #i do think that there is enough evidence within the show for me to say that the actual moving on is fairly random because yeah mary moved on #after she was able to share her story and find her voice and all that but she actually got sucked off on a random morning and so did Annie #anyway yeah just thinking about it a lot because i have seen a lot of people talk about it

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