#and eowyn said finally fuck you i go to war
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The Return of the King in 4k
#lotr#lord of the rings#lotredit#eowyn#merry#merry brandybuck#meriadoc brandybuck#miranda otto#dominic monaghan#4k#i love this scene so much#he is so happy#and eowyn said finally fuck you i go to war#and i take the hobbit with me#i like that they did not go for the dernhelm story#wouldn't have worked in the movies#4k gif
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🎵,🍲,🧙♂️,⚠️ and 📖?
🎵 Can you sing, master hobbit?: Which song (from books or movies) is your favourite?
I love “The Road Goes Ever On.” Also, not a song, but Treebeard’s poem “My Land Is Best” is one of my favorites! And from the Howard Shore soundtrack, it’s the triumphant piece that plays during the “I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you!” scene.
🍲 Eowyn's home cooking: which other way could the ring be destroyed? (funny answers only)
“Éowyn’s home cooking,” lmao. Glorfindel already answered this question: toss the Ring into the freaking sea. It wouldn’t be destroyed, but who would find it there? Ulmo would keep it away from everyone. Or someone could have sailed with the Ring to Valinor and flung it into Aulë’s forge. Bad vibes at the forge from there on, though. XD
🧙♂️Precisely when he means to: what is your favourite Gandalf moment?
When he makes the fireworks go off for the Hobbit children. Also, when he calls Grima a “witless worm.” 🤣 Drag him!
⚠ Fucking buckleberry ferry: from the clip of Dom and Billy discussing the one swear word they could theoretically get by censors, which line would you change?
When Pippin drinks the forest water and grows taller, Merry should have said “three-foot-fucking-eight!” It’s a little moment, but wouldn’t Merry swear if Pippin suddenly got taller than him?
📖 Final chapter: what unanswered questions do you have about middle earth?
Answered this one previously, but here is another: what does Thranduil do after the War of the Ring is over? We know he stays in Eryn Lasgalen; does he remain there forever, or does he eventually sail? I think it would be interesting if he chose not to leave Middle Earth. Although we know Legolas sails, so perhaps his dad does, too.
#silm#silmarillion#lotr#lord of the rings#tolkien#Tolkien asks#merry brandybuck#pippin took#Gandalf#thranduil
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Impossible LotR Quiz Answer sheet with explanations!
As an addendum, since people have been doing the quiz I’ve seen a few mistypes and awkwardnesses that are my own fault so I’ve corrected them. This means some people got a higher score than was shown, know that when I looked over your answers I saw your actually right answers and fully appreciated them! It’s good to not that the ‘fill in the blanks’ questions will not take two words in one space, so I’ve had to get creative with how I apply two named folk like Mardil Voronwe, or people who have numbers like Hurin I.
I would also like to say, to everyone talking about how they’ve never read the Silmarillion, this quiz is very purposefully almost entirely based outside of the Silmarillion. This is Appendices stuff! Indeed there is only 1 question even tangentally related to elves in here, this is by design.
@magaramach, @brynnmclean and @apojiiislands asked to be tagged in this! Answers under the cut.
Q2. Who was Dora Baggins in relation to Bilbo Baggins?
- Second cousin on his father's side
Dora Baggins is a very elderly woman who was the daughter of Bilbo’s father’s brother. She likes writing people a lot of unsolicited advice! THIS WAS WRONG AND SAID FIRST COUSIN FOR SO LONG AND I AM DEEPLY SORRY FOR IT.
Q3. How many pairs of biological twins are mentioned in the whole of Arda's timeline and what races do they belong too?
- 2 for men, 1 for elves and 3 for half-elves
Fastred and Folcred, Haleth and Haldar (men)
Amrod and Amras (elves)
Elured and Elurin, Elrond and Elros, Elladan and Elrohir (half-elves)
Now, admittedly Elladan and Elrohir are never actually described as twins. However they appear completely identical and have the same birth date, so it is assumed.
Q4. Baldor is who the skeleton scratching at the door used to be.
When Aragorn and co pass through the paths of the dead they find a skeleton clawing at a door to the mountain. It is finely dressed and described as mighty and was later essentially confirmed to be Baldor, the eldest son of King Brego of Rohan, also called Baldor the hapless, who foolishly wandered into the paths of the dead on, apparently, a dare. (the answer to this was originally Brego because of a foolish typo from me, many apologies!)
Q5. When was the Ondonóre Nómesseron Minaþurie written?
- During Meneldil's reign.
“Enquiry into the Place-names of Gondor” was a text written by settled numenoreans about their new kingdom during Meneldil’s reign, who was the first sole King of Gondor after both Anarion (his father) and Isildur had perished.
Q6. Farmer Maggot's particular friend was Tom Bombadil
It is stated that Farmer Maggot sometimes peacefully passes through the Old Forest to go and meet Tom Bombadil, who very much enjoys his company. However! Those who answered Merry or Pippin still deserve excellent recognition, Farmer Maggot was indeed fond of Pippin and respected Merry greatly.
Q7. What was the office of the Steward originally created to do?
- Keep the Tradition of Isildur
When Romendacil I went to war in the east, he realised that if he died then the secret of the Tradition of Isildur would die with him. Hence he wrote it down in a sealed scoll and gave it to a trusted confidante, to be given to his heir if he should perish. This tradition was maintained by further kings and those trusted confidantes became the Stewards of Gondor. This, admittedly, is a more suggested progression than explicit, but it’s a Impossible evil quiz so :)
Q8. What was the 'Tradition of Isildur'?
- Remember where Elendil was buried.
Elendil had been secretly entombed in Calenardhon, supposedly the midpoint between Gondor and Arnor. This was a hallowed space for only Kings at first, but in later years when the Stewards came to rule Gondor they also were permitted the secret. Cirion had the remains moved when Calenardhon was gifted to the Eotheod to eventually become a part of the Kingdom of Rohan.
Q9. At the time of Pelargir's founding, is the world flat or round?
- Flat.
Pelargir was founded as a ‘Faithful Numenorean’ haven on the river Anduin. Therefore it was built before Numenor’s destruction in the Akallabeth, the reason for which being that Eru turned the world from flat to round.
Q10. Which of these monarchs were indolent and had no interest in ruling?
- King Atanatar I
- King Narmacil I
- Tar-Vanimelde
King Atanatar I ruled during Gondor’s richest generation and seemed to believe that meant he didn’t need to put any work in. Narmacil I, his son, didn’t want to put any work in, but he at least assigned his nephew, Minalcar, as ‘Karma-Kundo’ or regent during his reign. So he at least did something to keep the country going. Tar-Vanimelde had no interest in ruling and allowed her husband to do most of the governence. This backfired when she died and he organised a coup against his son to hold power.
Q11. When looking back on the Ship-Kings of Gondor, King Tarannon Falastur began the invasion of Harad and expanded Gondor's borders, King Earnil-I finally took Umbar but died at sea shortly afterwards, King Ciryandil spent most of his reign trying to defend Umbar and died in it's seige and King Hyarmendacil defended Umbar against seiges for 35 years before making war upon all Harad and claiming Harondor as a province of Gondor, ending the line of the Ship Kings.
Q12. What happened during the reign of King Romendacil II?
- I don't know! Nothing?
Yes I know this is particularly evil of me but Romendacil II was originally called Minalcar, yes the same Minalcar who became REGENT of Gondor due to Narmacil’s indolent nature. Minalcar indeed did everything else listed as answers to this question, but none of them happened during his reign as king. Indeed, his reign was said to be peaceful and we have no real information on it, so technically saying we don’t know, and suggesting nothing happened, is actually the most correct answer :)
Q13. Who succeeded Tar-Telperien of Numenor?
- Her nephew, Minastir
Tar-Telperien was a lesbian Queen of Numenor who never married and never wanted too and did an excellent job and I love her. Her nephew built a tower to mope in about how much he wanted to be an elf. They are not the same. Absolutely terrified about what Amazon could do to her.
Q14. Whilst his brethren, the nazgul, were attacking the Prancing Pony, The Witch-King was waiting in the Barrow Downs and probably had a really nice time.
Not much to this! Witch King was chilling with the Barrow Wights.
Q15. Which of these characters are described as 'beautiful' at least once in the Lord of the Rings?
- Galadriel, Denethor, Eowyn, Frodo, Elanor, Celeborn, Boromir
Yes, Arwen is never described as beautiful, but Denethor is :)
Q16. We all love Boromir II, select the similarities he and Boromir I did NOT share.
- Renowned relationship with the Rohirrim.
- Destroyed the Bridge of Osgiliath
- Feared by the Witch King
- Retook Ithilien.
- Had a brother.
In case you’re wondering, yes, I love both Boromirs. But this question is a fun highlight of how many similarities Boromir II has with his namesake. These are the only things they didn’t both do. Although! Boromir I’s son was Cirion who allied with the Eotheod and created Rohan in the first place, the Uruk-Hai destroyed the Bridge of Osgiliath in Boromir I’s lifetime, Boromir II was PROBABLY feared by the witch-king we just don’t know, Boromir II held Ithilien and Boromir I had two elder sisters like Denethor II did.
Q17. Hey, did you know that, from Boromir I's war with the Uruk-Hai of the Morgul Vale, Gondor didn't know peace until Sauron's death on the 25th of March, 3019? Hah hah! How gut wrenching is that? About how long do you think it has been since Gondor knew peace then?
Hey wait does that mean Boromir I's valiant victory that came at a personal sacrifice was the beginning of Gondor's wars and then Boromir II's valiant sacrifice was the end- oh god... oh fuck
- 550 years
To everyone who answered the crossed out answer,,, you’re correct in my heart. You get bonus points. Also hey! What the fuck :)
Q18. Who was Borondir?
- The rider sent to find Eorl who made it to him after starving himself for two days but who then rode to the Celebrant with Eorl anyway and died in that battle.
Literally couldn’t love this fellow more. Big Hirgon energy. A hero of Gondor for time immemorial.
Q19. The Ruling Stewards, from first to last (with their numbers typed as so Turin-I Hurin-II etc), were as follows; Mardil ; Eradan ; Herion ; Belegorn ; Hurin-I ; Turin-I ; Hador ; Barahir ; Dior ; Denethor-I ; Boromir-I ; Cirion ; Hallas ; Hurin-II ; Belecthor-I ; Orodreth ; Ecthelion-I ; Egalmoth ; Beren ; Beregond ; Belecthor-II ; Thorondir ; Turin-II ; Turgon ; Ecthelion-II ; Denethor-II ; and for like two seconds ; Faramir ;
Alrighty, we had a bit of a fight in my discord about this but eventually I did relent in agreement that Faramir IS... very briefly... legally considered a RULING Steward. Ruling Stewards being Stewards that ruled a Kingless Gondor. But! With Aragorn RIGHT THERE is just seemed very redundant. Still! I’ll allow the pedant to win out, ten minutes is still a Ruling Steward. ALSO! I decided that having an extra box for the ‘voronwe’ part of mardil voronwe was just mean as it set everyone’s answers off kilter, so I removed that. ALSO for all of those calling me a bastard for adding this question, @illegalstargender was the one who requested it! I wasn’t going too!
Q20. The Stewards, despite ruling through very tumultuous and violent periods, were often known for boring things (because they simply ruled better than the Kings did, I said what I said) But what boring thing was Steward Turin I remembered for?
- Being the only monarch of Gondor that married twice
This skeezy bastard really did marry a second time during his OLD age just to father a son. I can only imagine what a dreadful cultural and social effect this had on this prude country. It’s so unnecessary! He had daughters, many of them! One of them certainly had a son before he did. He was just being a controlling arse, down with Turin I!!!!
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The Long Haul|LOTR x Reader|Eomer x Reader - Part 3
A/N: Part 3 of 4 I think. Again, I am not super duper familiar with the books. This is based off of the movies primarily, with some changes to canon. If you hate it don’t be mean about it. I don’t know.
Warnings: violence, blackish magic type stuffs, blood, death and all that jazz
Word Count:
As the days passed after your return to Edoras you felt guiltier and guiltier. It seemed that Eomer paid no mind to the fact that he could never be with you. It seemed that his favorite thing to do when he wasn’t working with his uncle was to come find you, regardless of what you were doing, and take your hand to place a kiss to your fingers, smile sweetly at you, and then leave. Nothing had happened between you two yet. And even though that made you a bit sad, you felt it was better that way.
A raven came to Edoras one morning, for the king. It was from Treebeard, who said that the ents, along with two hobbits, had taken Isengard. You, Gandalf, Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas were relieved. You knew that you lost the two hobbits to Treebeard before the battle at the Helm. The two hobbits Treebeard was referring to were Merry and Pippin.
So the five of you, plus Eomer and some of the king’s men went to Isengard to see what was going on. And to your great relief, Merry and Pippin were indeed more than fine, and the place was crawling with ents. You all took the two hobbits back to Edoras with you, and a few days later the Beacon of Gondor had been lit. That same day, all of the Rohirrim, your company, and Eowyn left Edoras and met under the shadow of the mountain were they set up an encampment.
You rode with Eomer the whole way. And you could see Eowyn and Aragorn give you knowing look as you rode off. You looked away in embarassment. You were definitely going to have words with them later.
///
It was an eerily quiet night. The wind was almost non existent in the shadow of the mountain. And all of the men were quiet as they contemplated how they were probably not likely to live through the battle. You felt it too, but you kept it to yourself. You just wished that you and Eomer had been intimate with each other before the end.
You knew that this battle was going to go one of two ways for you. Either you would fight and lose, dying in battle, and hopefully atoning for your past sins, or; Frodo and Sam will succeed, causing everything evil to fall, yourself included - destroying the ring means your death. Either way, you die.
You noticed Aragorn talking to Eowyn later as he appeared to be packing up his horse. You knew he was leaving to go into the mountain. You couldn’t very well let him go in there alone. You shared a tent with Gimli. You came inside to find him and Legolas playing a game where one tries to slap the others hand before they can take them away. You chuckled and shook you head at there antics.
“Aragorn is going into the mountain. Lets go.” You said and started to fill your bags.
///
“Where do you think you’re off to?” Gimli questioned with his pipe as Aragorn and his horse walked by him.
“Not this time. This time you must stay, Gimli.” Aragorn countered.
Legolas walked up behind him with the other horse. “Have you learned nothing of the stubbornness of dwarves?” He asked smuggly. You walked out from behind Legolas, saying nothing but crossing your arms over each other.
“You might as well face accept it.” Gimli started, “We’re going with you, laddie.”
Aragorn smiled but then looked to you and it faltered. He shook his head. “Y/n. I must ask you stay.” Your eyebrows shot up as you shot his a surprised but scathing look. “Eowyn intends to fight in the battle.” He informed and your expression dropped immediately turning to worry. “Please stay and watch over her...if you can?”
You bit your lip to keep all of the angry words from escaping. Fuck. You sighed defeated. “Fine.” You said through gritted teeth. Aragorn walked up to you and put a thankful hand on your shoulder. You couldn’t help the smile that graced your lips. You knew and he knew this would be the last time you would see each other. Your chin wavered and before you knew what you were doing, you found your arms around him, and his instantly came around her. Y/n hugged Aragorn with a strength she didn’t know she had. But Aragorn was her best friend. Her first friend. Both knew that she wasn’t going to survive this war. Aragorn might. But she wasn’t. When they let each other go they smiled sadly at the other. Then Legolas stepped in.
“Mellon nin.” He said softly, giving a tight lipped smile. Y/n smiled back and wrapped her arms around his torso while Legolas wrapped his around her shoulders. He rubbed her back a little before pulling back.
“Aye lassie. I -” Gimli started but Y/n had quickly knelt down an hugged him tightly. Gimli sighed defeated and gently pat her back. With a deep breath Y/n got back up. She gave the three a bittersweet smile before walking slowly off towards Eowyn’s tent.
///
Y/n had gone to talk to Eowyn who lied straight to Y/n’s face about staying at the camp when the rest of the soldiers left. Y/n just chuckled and shook her head at Eowyn’s stubbornness, figuring that she would deal with it tomorrow.
Heading back to her tent, a familiar voice called Y/n’s name. She smiled to herself before turning around to meet Eomer’s warm brown eyes. He approached her and took her hand, bringing it up to his perfect lips and placed a gentle kiss there. Y\n couldn’t deny how much she wished to feel those lips on her own. She couldn’t help that her teeth took her bottom lip between them. T/n almost missed Eomer’s glance at her mouth. And almost as if it was a reflex, her tongue darted out to wet her lips.
“I - I - I - uh -” Eomer tried to form words. Y/n giggled and he shook his head and took a deep breath and started again. “May I talk to you about something?” He asked. Y/n nodded - anything to spend more time with him. Eomer held out her elbow for her and she wrapped her arm around his and he lead her away.
“Is it about the coming battle?” Y/n asked.
“I know you are planning on going.” He started, “Though I wish you would stay safe and stay here.” Eomer added with a chuckle. He knew Y/n was too headstrong. Y/n looked up at him, slightly worried. It was clear that he didn’t know Y/n’s lineage, nor did he realize she’d be dead soon, regardless of the battles outcome.
That only made Y/n want to be with Eomer even more. At least before she died. She couldn’t have been more delighted - nervous, but delighted - when it turned out Eomer had lead her to his personal tent. He lifted the flap to enter and motioned for Y/n to go in. Y/n smiled before quietly going inside.
Y/n took a few steps in the tent and took in the items inside. Eomer stepped in and let the flap close behind him. He stayed silent as he watched her take in her surroundings. She stopped when she finally noticed him standing there.
Eomer smiled and took steps towards Y/n. He put his hands on her arms and rubbed them sweetly for a moment before he stepped even closer and then cupped Y/n’s cheek gently. The look he was giving, one of longing and want, sent shivers down her spine.
Y/n licked her lips and then pressed them together. The yearning for Eomer, the want of a chance to show him how much she loved him, it was building up to be too much. Gathering her courage, she reached up and put his cheek in her hand and pulled him closer until their lips met in a sweet kiss. After a moment, Eomer pulled away smiling. He rested his forehead against hers.
“I’ve been dreaming of doing that again for so long.” Eomer said in nearly a whisper.
“Me too.” Y/n confirmed with a grin so large it hurt her cheeks. They stayed like that for a moment before they couldn’t help it, and they reconnected once more.
Quickly the kiss grew deeper and more passionate. Soon Eomer had guided Y/n to his bed and laid her down with him on his elbows on top of her. His hand had thread through her hair, pulling her incredibly close. Y/n’s hands wandered every inch of his skin that she dreamed so much about exploring. Before she knew what she was doing, Y/n had worked Eomer’s tunic over his head. Eomer took the queue and started undoing the laces of Y/n’s outfit. Shortly after, both of them found themselves bare and they held each other impossibly tight, spending their night together, taking all the other had to offer.
///
Y/n wasn’t able to find Eowyn - or Merry for that matter - before everyone left for battle. The sneaky pair must have disguised themselves. Y/n could use magic to find them, but there wasn’t time and she didn’t have the resources. Plus the amount of energy required to do magic was great, and she thought that she really ought to conserve it in case they needed it during battle.
She sat atop a horse, waiting with the kings company as Theoden made a speech about bravery. But his words had little effect when his company got a look at the battlefield. It was terrifying. Monsters and machinery littered the field waiting to get into the walls of Minas Tirith. It was one hundred percent accurate to think that she was going to die there. But with a rousing cry for death, the ensemble of heroes galloped towards the orcs and beasts.
///
It was a massacre. Olliphants crushed men and horse into the ground and Nazgul picked them from it before devouring them. The men were fighting frantically for their lives, trying desperately to make it to the end of this seemingly endless war. It was a miracle when Y/n finally spotted a familiar marking on the armor of a soldier. It was Eomer. Still alive. Still trying to encourage his men to keep going. Y/n made for him, and she called his name. He turned to see her coming towards him. The look of relief on him made Y/n smile. She came closer and Eomer put his hands on her shoulders, taking in her figure to see if she was hurt. And when he saw that she wasn’t, he gave a loud sigh and pulled her to him so he could wrap his arms around her.
“It’s pointless to try to win.” Y/n said with little hope. Eomer shook his head and then bent down to kiss her.
“Perhaps we can’t win. But maybe we can fight so we don’t lose.” Eomer said. And Y/n knew exactly what he meant. The chances that they were going to make it out of here were incredibly slim. But perhaps if they fought hard enough, Man would make it. Man wouldn’t lose. Self sacrifice for the greater good. Y/n nodded and pulled Eomer closer for one more kiss before saying the thing she had wanted to say to him from the beginning. “I love you.” And then she turned around.
She walked over to where there laid about ten dead horses and men scattered on the ground. Y/n looked back at Eomer to see that some orcs had approached them and he was moving to get rid of them. Kneeling on the ground, she reached deep within herself, finding the side of her that she had put away for so long. She knew that using the kind of magic she was about to was dangerous. The power and feeling of it like a drug that made her crave more and more until she might forget what side she was on. But hopefully that wouldn’t happen, or if it did, someone might stop her before it got out of hand.
“Maausan jiak nauk-ach avo avhe vadokan around alnej.” [1] Y/n said, her voice growing deeper and turning to more of a growl as she spoke. “Riuke agh deukavroausan avhouke shal our paavh, avogeavhas.” [2]
Black roots started up from the ground around Y/n and fed their way into the bodies of the dead horses and men on the ground. They all came together like a mass of black. Ripples opened up in the mass showing light like embers. Soon it began to form into a shape like a group of horses, black with eyes like fire. Their teeth barred like monsters, showing the fanged mouth that they now sported. When they neighed it was a low wave that could barely be heard by the human ear. The horse forms stopped the ground, eager to start with their dark purpose.
“Drepa!” [3] Y/n shouted and the mass rolled along as the devil horses pulled it.
Y/n aimed for the hoards of orcs af as her mass reached them, they were engulfed by it.Their screams were muffled as they were shredded and added to the dark mass, growing with every victim. Over and over, the same result, and with ever body added, Y/n could feel the good within her shrinking. It was happening. The thing she most feared. But it was so sweet, the power she was feeling. Like a drug in her veins pulling her farther away from the light and closer to evil. And her resolve to fight it was quickly fading.
Soon, Y/n didn’t care if it was friend or foe that her mass engulfed. She only cared about the kill and adding to her monstrous legion. She rolled along to someone trying to fight a wraith on a Nazgul. Something pulled her to them. An unknown force. It wasn’t until she got closer that she realized who it was: her father.
Y/n came close enough to notice who the fighter was as they took their helmet off. A small twinge in her echoed when she saw it Eowyn.
“I am no man.” Eowyn said before crying out and plunging her sword into Y/n’s father’s face. He crumpled up into darkness before exploding, knocking Eowyn to the ground.
Y/n suddenly didn’t hear the battle around her. She did not notice the men and orc fighting. It was as if her mind and soul had been yanked from her body. The bodies in her dark mass started to fall out, littering the ground as her rolling slowly came to a halt. All of the bodies were released until it was only Y/n, and she herself fell to the ground. She could feel herself draining. Like a water-skin with a hole in it. She just lay on the ground, surrounded by the ones dead at her hand. And with her last breath she thought that she was happy to have been able to tell Eomer that she loved him at least once before the end.
///
And then Y/n woke up in a healers tent.
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Translations
1 - May I reach to all the dead around me.
2 - Rise and destroy those in our path, together.
3 - Kill!
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Tags
@ladyideal
@merrillbee92
#lord of the rings imagine#lord of the rings x reader#lord of the rings reader insert#eomer reader insert#eomer x reader#eomer imagine#karl urban x reader
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The Art of Being an Eldar: Legolas x Reader Chapter 2
Summary: You're a fantasy-loving, LARPing human from this world, who's the black sheep of society because of your obsession for the unreal and alienation of what's real. When you're in the middle of a LARP battle with some pretty phony boars, you fall out of a tree and bust your head. You wake up, alone, and are suddenly attacked by some very pissed-off, very real wargs. Without any idea of how you got there, you got dropped into Middle-Earth, with only bits and pieces of memories of Tolkien's masterpiece, though your recollection of everything else is perfectly clear. And of all places in Middle-Earth, you got dropped into Mirkwood, with some suspicious, potentially hostile, Woodland Elves...
Chapter No.: Chapter 1
Key:
[Y/N]=Your Name
[F/N]= Friend's Name
[B/N]= Bro's Name
[S/N]= Sis's Name
[M/N]= Mom's Name
[e/c]= eye color
[h/c]= hair color
[s/c]= skin color
Notes: Listen to Medieval Pagan Music, Runestones when reading this chapter.
Warnings: Fluff, angst, graphic depictions of gore and violence (Cuz of orc battles y'know?), more angst, slow burn, some light depression in the first few chapters, some amnesia about Middle-Earth because the Valar say you're not supposed to have foresight, hard-core language, feels, lots and lots of feels, mentions of NSFW content, maybe some eventual NSFW content, LGTBQ+ characters, Thranduil being a jackass at first because he's fabulous, Legolas being a hot edgy prince that nobody can handle, Kili being an innocent bean, Hobbits being smol innocent beans, except for Bilbo 'cause he's been through some tough shit, Bard being dad of the year, Thorin being one dumbass boi, awesome dragons, awesome Nazgul, awesome scenery, awesome stuff in general, Elrond isn't listened to by anybody, confused Aragorn is confused, Denethor's a bitch as always, Boromir lives, brace yourself for creepy as fuck Cream of Worm Tongue Grima Wormtongue, Gandalf. (yes these are all legit warnings don't judge me)
Pairings/Ships: Legolas x Reader, Legolas x you, Aragorn x Arwen, Faramir x Eowyn, Thranduil x Elvenqueen, Galadriel x Celery Celeborn, Boromir x OC, Thorin x OC, Fili x OC, etc. general LoTR standard shippings plus some of my own cuz I can't stand my boys being lonely
Word Count: I try to keep my chapters short, under 2000 words.
Rating: Teen (14+) for now
When I said I hated reality, I didn't mean I wanted to be ripped from it without my family.
How they'd healed you so efficiently was beyond your comprehension, and nobody came to visit you. You couldn't bring yourself to eat much of what they brought you. To think you'd finally gotten your wish, you'd finally, somehow gotten sucked into some alternate reality where fiction was fact and what you'd known and lived in for your entire life was nonexistent... It was amazing. Surreal.
But you couldn't stay here. Not without your family. Not without your mom, not without [B/N], not without [S/N]. [F/N]... You wished you could've at least said goodbye to him. Life without the only people you'd ever had seemed unreal, incomprehensible, and too nightmarish. Too... Alone. You couldn't lose them.
For hours, you waited, pacing the ten-by-ten cell furiously. You had to find some way to get out, some way to find whatever portal you'd triggered...
A sound at the barred door made you freeze in place, whipping around like a meerkat. It was Blue-Eyes, and some of his guards, one of which was unlocking the door. "Are you letting me go?"
Blue-Eyes stared at you as if trying to figure out whether or not you were desperate or stupid. Finally, he shook his head, probably deciding it was most likely both in your case. Well, screw him. "My father wishes to see you."
You glanced to each of the guards that came to grip either of your arms. "Is that... Bad?"
Blue-Eyes smirked. "It depends on his mood."
You glared at him as the other two Elves ushered you out of the door, onto the precariously thin ledge just outside of the cell. "You're trying to freak me out, aren't you?"
Blue-Eyes didn't answer, but took up the rear of the procession. They lead you to a platform overlooking all of the mazelike bridge-sets of the dungeons, and opened a pair of elaborately crafted doors. You balked, your jaw fell, your eyes widened as far as they'd go, stunned by the view.
The building you'd thought was surrounded by trees? It was a palace-city, which stretched back from the front wall as far as you could see. And it was made entirely of trees. Bridges of wood, twisting trunks, curling pillars of wood holding up a vaultrf ceiling which opened up to the orange-gold canopy, and beyond, the cloudless blue sky. Huge, arched windows with stained glass of amber filled the front wall, framed in wood, every few dozen feet, letting in a golden light that made the entire place seem more surreal than it already was. Leaves fell too slowly here, as if afraid that touching the ground would destroy their fabulousness. Elves inhabited every floor, sailing gracefully around like gorgeous swans that glared down at the sudden ugly duckling in their midst.
You felt tiny.
"This is your home?" You breathed in amazement, going where the guards took you on autopilot as you drank in the magnificent sight. "It's bigger than the town I live in!"
"This is just a small portion of it," Blue-Eyes had a hint of pride in his voice. You glanced over your shoulder to see him taking in the view with a faint smile on his face. "This part is my father's palace. Only nobles and militia reside here."
"It's beautiful..." You surveyed the palace in awe. I'm here. I'm really here! This is where I'm supposed to be! "Do you all have different floors? Is it flameproof? What happens if there's a forest fire? Can you even get forest fires here?"
"Why would you like to know?" Blue-Eyes demanded sharply, all kindness gone just as suddenly as it'd arrived, replaced with obvious suspicion and disdain.
You sighed, and dropped the subject. You wouldn't be finding anything out about this place today. The guards lead you up a short flight of stairs, which stopped at a huge circular pavilion, lined with a different type of guard in silver armor and navy-blue masks covering their lower faces. They stood almost impossibly still, and each carried a deadly spear.
More stairs, curving upward from each side of the pavilion, lead to a massive throne of carved wood. A regal Elf lounged on it, holding a curled wooden staff. He wore silver robes lined on the inside with a deep crimson, and a crown of thin branches styled like an elk's antlers --or maybe a thornbush-- sat atop his head of snow-white hair. Piercing blue eyes watched you from underneath strangely dark (And thick.) brows, but his catlike face was drawn into an unreadable expression.
Blue-Eyes stepped before you and the guards, and put his right arm over his chest, fist resting over his heart, as he bowed at the waist. "My king, we have brought the prisoner."
Inwardly, you winced. What kind of father forced his son to call him 'my king'?
The Elvenking flicked his fingers toward the guards on either side of you. "Leave us."
As they left with barely a clink of armor, Blue-Eyes grabbed you roughly by the shoulder, forcing you to your knees. His grip was like iron. He leaned down to snarl in your ear, "Show respect. His majesty has shown you a great kindness in allowing you to live."
Aw, fuck. You forgot that these guys had healed you. If Lord Fabulous over there had decided that by even so much as breathing near his lands you didn't deserve for your wounds to be healed, you'd be dead right now. "O-oh..." You quickly fixed your position, and even bowed your head with an arm over your chest, like Blue-Eyes had done. "Sorry..."
"My son tells me he found you trying to escape from warg-bound orcs on our northern border," Elvenking drawled slowly. Wargs... Those big dogs... Why does that sound familiar? Were they in a book? Mythology? A game? You couldn't remember, and Elvenking didn't give you time to. "You were found near-death, and without any apparent recollection of how you came to be there. Is that correct?"
You weren't sure how to adress him. "Yes, sir. My lord. Your majesty. I'm sorry."
Elvenking continued. "Would you like to elaborate on what you do remember?"
His tone wasn't kind. It was "Tell me bitch or I will throw you off into the chasms below."
And there were lots of chasms.
"You won't believe me," You started, and risked a glance; Blue-Eyes and Elvenking watched you warily. You could easily say you were from this world, but you didn't know anything about it. You couldn't lie believably. And even if you could, Elves can sense lies. You figured you'd get some extra points if you were totally honest. "But I'll tell you anyway." So you started out with your explanation of coming from a place called Earth, and that you'd been having a battle against some pretty fake boars played by unconvincing actors in Live Action Roleplay, when you'd fallen out of a tree, banged yourself up, and knocked yourself out. You then proceeded to explain about the big dogs and the orcs.
Elvenking lifted his chin slightly for the sole purpose of glowering at you. "Tell me more of this... Earth." You told him all you could. About cars and trains and jets and phones, then on to TVs and movies, and the huge skyscrapers, and how modern slang was different from what it had been, and how where you came from, Elves and orcs and dragons were all part of a genre known as fantasy. You even tried, for a brief period of time, to explain the subject of eMail and social sites like Tumblr and Twitter, but you gave up at their odd looks as they tried to comprehend the concept. You told them about all seven continents, presidents, world leaders, endless wars, hunger, trashing the planet and all other shit that was wrong with Earth.
You could've been there for hours explaining it all. When you were finished, Elvenking regarded you like he'd just came to the conclusion that you just weren't normal. "It seems, [Y/N], that your world is poisoned."
"It is!" You agreed excitedly. "Nobody cares about it anymore! It's why I grew up to be so... Un-normal, by my world's standards."
"I see..." Elvenking blinked slowly. "Then you are, since you are a spawn of this Earth, equal poison to this world, are you not?"
All the blood drained from your face. "What?"
He looked to Blue-Eyes. "Kill them."
Blue-Eyes gripped you by the back of the head, and your hands flew to his wrist as he yanked your head back. With a flourish, he drew one of his ivory-handled knives and pressed it to your throat. "Wait!" You screamed, and Elvenking raised a hand.
"Last words?" Blue-Eyes sneered.
"I don't know where I am," You choked out quickly; the cool steel of the blade was digging into your neck, cutting a fine line. "I don't know how I got here, but usually when stuff like this happens in movies, there's always a portal. Let me find it-- send an escort if you want! Take me back to where you found me, and I'll find the portal and go home. You'll never see me again!"
Elvenking dropped his hand, and your heart jumped, expecting your head to go with it. "Do you really think that is wise? I sense no dishonesty from you, but you could very well be a spy from your world, which seems so intent on conquering and destroying peace. I will not let this world, much less my own land, fall prey to yours."
"I won't tell anyone about you, or this place, I promise! I don't even know where this is!" Tears of frustration pricked the corners of your eyes. "I'm not a damn spy! I don't even know how I got here! Give me a couple of days to find the portal. Then I'll leave. What if there was a way for you to know I'll keep my word? Like a blood-oath, or something!"
"And if asked where you had gone?" Blue-Eyes countered, cocking an eyebrow.
"I'll tell them I went to Narnia, dammit! They never take me seriously anyway!" Your eyes widened. "This isn't Narnia, is it? Narnia didn't have Elves!"
"No, this is not... Narnia." Elvenking replied. "And you will not know the name of this land. You have three days to find your portal. You will be accompanied by a small assembly of my best warriors. If you do not find the door to your world within the given three days... I will give the order to kill you."
You swallowed hard. The steel dragged across your throat painfully. "Th-that sounds fair." It didn't, but, you just rolled with it.
"Legolas, you will go with them," Elvenking said; something clicked in your mind. You knew that name... You knew that name. But... Why?
Blue-Eyes-- Legolas-- nodded and finally removed the blade from your throat. Lord Fabulous inclined his head once, and you vaguely thanked him, too concerned with how you knew Blue-Eyes's name. He kept a tight, painful grip on your arm, actually digging his fingers in until you were pretty sure he cut off most of your circulation.
When you reached your cell, he thrust you in roughly, making you stumble forward. You whipped around to glare at him. "Could you be careful, Blue-Eyes?"
He paused in locking the door. Confused, he brought his sapphire eyes to meet your [e/c] ones. "What did you just call me?"
"Blue-Eyes," You suddenly felt a little embarassed about picking a nickname for him. Shit, you'd never let that bother you before. He could screw off. "I didn't know your name until a few minutes ago, so... I just picked something to call you."
He raised an eyebrow incredulously. "And you chose to call me after my eyes." It wasn't a question; it was a statement.
You flushed a little, glancing to the side with only your eyes nervously, then back to him. "Uh... Yeah. That's pretty much it."
He rolled his eyes and walked away. Before you even realized what you were doing, you'd ran to the bars and grabbed hold of them, pressing your cheek up against them to watch him walk away. "Blue-Eyes!" He stopped, but didn't turn around. "Your name... Legolas. I think I've heard it before."
He turned his head slightly, like he might be interested, but your hopes fell through the floor when he just continued walking. You immediately wished you'd've said something to get his attention, so he'd come talk to you. Like, Hey, I'm really a spy for Earth, MWAHAHAHAHAHA.
Ok, maybe not that drastic...
But you did wish he'd stayed to talk to you. Even if he'd tried to kill you.
Legolas... You slid down the bars, sitting on the floor. Your knees came up to your chest of their own accord. Legolas... What do your Elf eyes see? You knew that you knew his name, but where did you know it from?
They're taking...
Aw, damn. It was right on the tip of your brain. Lord Fabulous looked really familiar, too. He reminded you of Ronan the Accuser from Marvel. Why couldn't you remember? Was it a side-effect of being tossed to another reality? What else did you not remember...?
You sat there for hours, until one of the guards brought you some food. You picked at the meal, as a tune got stuck in your head that you couldn't quite place...
Home is behind...
The world ahead...
Here, the song fizzed out like a radio signal, then you got another bit of it...
All shall fade..
All shall...
...Fade...
~ominous time skip~
You, Blue-Eyes, and a team of Elvish warriors like the ones who'd helped you escape the dogs and orcs set out at dawn, which was way too early for someone used to getting up at noon most of the time. All the Elves showed off their glowy perfect selves by leaping gracefully to pebble to pebble like the regal shits they were, including Blue-Eyes.
Actually, scratch that. Blue-Eyes was the fucking king of being a show-off.
They moved fast, and you were surprisingly able to keep up with them. Not one of the Elves wanted to speak to you; they seemed to consider you an abomination.
You kinda seen what they were getting at, though. You were still in your bright white, blue, and black sci-fi Elf outfit from yesterday, complete with the latex ears and bright blue faux-hawk, which had become much less faux-hawk-y after sleep. You were covered in dried blood, dirt, and parts of your outfit were ripped. You'd tried to clean up as best as you could when you were woken up by using the water from the cup you'd been given to scrub your face and arms with the stunningly clean sheets on your cot.
In other words, you stuck out like a bright blue flower in a field of dark grass.
You didn't know the way back to the river, so most of the Elves surrounded you discreetly while Blue-Eyes took the lead. Every one of them had a bow or sword or knife out and ready, so one wrong sniff and you were dead.
You traveled for about an hour before anyone spoke. It was Blue-Eyes, to your surprise. "Why is your hair blue?"
"Huh?" Of all possible questions, that one hadn't been expected. Though, that was kind of dumb of you, to just assume they wouldn't eventually wonder if everybody from your world had crazy hair colors.
"Your hair," Blue-Eyes specified, sounding condescending, like his hair was much better than yours because it was long and perfect and almost white. "Why is it blue?"
"Oh," You cleared your throat. "It's dye. My real color is [h/c]. Lots of people do it where I come from. You can dye it a natural color, or an unnatural color, like so. Some keep their natural color and just add streaks that aren't their natural colors. Some dye their full hair, like me, for the sole purpose of cosplay--uh, dressing up as made-up characters for events--and others dye it just for fun. Or to stand out, I guess. But I wouldn't advise it. It ruins your hair. I just don't care, though."
"Why would anyone want to do that?" One Elf asked in horror, then sneered at you. "I suppose those of your world simply do not appreciate the naturalities of the body."
You shrugged. You should see the LGTBQ+ community... But you didn't feel like explaining any of that to these people right now. Especially when they obviously looked down on stuff like that.
"And what character are you meant to be?" Blue-Eyes asked in a challenging tone.
You flushed. "... A sci-fi Elf."
"...Sci-Fi?" A different Elf asked. "What is that?"
"Science fiction," You specified. "Basically, I'm supposed to be an Elf from another planet. It seemed like a good idea at the time."
"Is that why you have pointed ears?" Blue-Eyes questioned, and you nodded.
"Yeah. They're latex-- a kind of rubber. Wait, do you even have rubber here?" You waved a hand. "Nevermind. They can come off pretty easily, though. Speaking of which, I'd better take them off before they cause damage..." You reached up to one of your ears, despite the looks the Elves gave you.
Blue-Eyes stopped for a minute, halting the whole group. He looked at you like you were crazy. "Whyever would you put something on your body that could cause damage?"
You blinked. "That is a very good question, Blue-Eyes, and one I don't exactly have an answer for. Almost everybody does it at some point." You felt for the flap of latex, but you couldn't find it. Hell, you couldn't even find the edge of the prosthetic. "Oh shit..." You breathed.
"What is it?" Legolas huffed, and turned around impatiently.
Your eyes widened; you couldn't let them think you were panicking, but, well, you were, and shortly after, you did. "I-I can't get it off."
Blue-Eyes's brow furrowed. "Will it cause permanent damage if they are not removed?"
"Maybe? Yes? My skin goes red and itchy and starts to swell up if I touch latex for too long, so, I'm gonna go with a definitely on this one. Just keep walking. I should have them off by the time we get to the river."
But you didn't. There was no flap, no edge of the latex. If it weren't for the fact that you did put latex ears on, you wouldn't have known you had latex ears on. A suspicion grew in your core, so you grabbed hold of the pointed tip, and pinched down with your nails hard and fast. "Ow!"
Every Elf turned to look at you as you pulled your hand away. Some blood was on the tips of your fingers. "Why, in the name of the Valar, would you hurt yourself?" Legolas sighed like a parent lecturing a child, but you were staring at your fingertips in shock. Valar...
"I'm an Elf..."
"I beg your pardon?" Apparently the mere thought of being the same race as you was too much for Blue-Eyes to handle. It was fucking offensive.
"I'm an Elf!" You shouted, and snatched your hand to your chest. "The ears won't come off! They bled and hurt when I pinched them! I'm a damn Elf! When I fell through that portal, I was a normal human! Now I'm an Elf! I don't know whether I should be freaking out or excited!"
Legolas rolled his eyes. "It won't be permanent. Obviously, here you're an Elf. There, you're not. When we get you through the portal, you'll be a human again."
"But..." I don't want to be human... Yet, you were also trying desperately to get back to your family, on pain of death and loss of cool fantasy land. If only you'd wake up to learn you were in some kind of damn coma...
You waved your hands. "Ok. Alright, fine. Is this where you found me?"
Legolas gestured to a particular rock. "The exact spot. Do you think you could find your way from here?"
You smirked; you'd always been good at knowing your way. "Please. I was born with an innate sense of direction. Now how the fuck do we get over this damn river?"
Legolas grinned. "You're an eldar now, aren't you? See if you can get across it yourself." Eldar... That had to mean an Elf of some sort, right?
You stared him down for a second, hands on your hips. He smirked cockily back, pure smugness on his expression. "Ok. Sure. What's life without risk?"
So you took a deep breath, and headed for the opposite bank.
You and your siblings had this special hiking trail in a park, and on this trail was a creek slash pond area. Several of them. You'd always cross the creek carefully, each step placed just so, and quietly, too, so that you could see the frogs-- it was a frog hunt without actually killing said frogs. The exercise gave you all good balance and a know-how for shit not that rock.
But this river was much different than the creek back home. It was clear, and clean, and strong as fuck, so one wrong move and you'd be whooshed away, with Blue-Eyes giving Lord Fabulous the excuse of "Oh they died in the river tragically oops..."
The rocks were unstable. The river swelled over them every so often to make them slippery. Your rubber boots were less than zero help. But you were an Elf now, right? So that had to make you unfairly agile. You took another deep inhale, then took what you hoped was a graceful leaping step, only for you to slip and nearly bust your ass. Elvish powers have to be learned. Noted.
When you finally got to the other side of the bank, you were stiff, and your heart was pounding. Behind you, the Elves sneered and jeered and all kinds of other "eers". You whipped around, and flipped them off. They looked somewhere between shocked, offended, and terrified. You realized they might not know the symbolism of it, and might think you were cursing them.
When they reached you, Blue-Eyes was the first to demand what that was all about. "What was that all about?!"
You panicked under pressure. "U-uh... I-it's a minor insult where I come from. Very minor. We use it frequently as a joke among close friends. A friendly insult. Yeah. Sorry. Won't happen again." He totally didn't believe you. So you quickly changed the subject. "O-oh, uh, this way!"
Scenery seen at night was harder to recognize during the day, and vise versa, but you knew you hadn't gone too far up the river when you came across some massive paw prints and scrape marks from where you'd skidded down the bank. Another bonus clue was the scrap of bright blue fabric, from your skirt/tunic thing, hanging precariously from a branch.
It took you the better part of an hour to find the tree you'd woken up at. "Okay, this it it."
"Are you certain?" Blue-Eyes asked you.
"Wait." You laid down, and yep, everything was the same, except in daylight. Legolas frowned at you as you stood, probably ashamed to even breathe the same air as you. "Yeah, this is it."
Blue-Eyes ordered something in Elvish, jerking his head. The Elves immediately set about making camp. "So, in your world, you fell from the highest branches of an oak, yes?"
"Yep, breaking several things in the process."
"And you lost consciousness after you hit the forest floor?"
"Yep."
Legolas hummed and looked up into the canopy. "Then by all means... The portal should be where you laid."
You glanced down at your feet before bouncing up and down a little. "Nope. Nothing."
Legolas huffed. "You may have to try climbing this tree and falling into this spot."
A deranged laugh escaped your throat, which you quickly stifled. "I'm sorry, but are you crazy? What if I die? We don't have the same healing stuff as you guys unless you can pay for it up front, and I'm very poor. So is all of my family. We can't afford that shit. So if I die, what's the point in going back?"
Legolas glared at you. "I didn't mean from very high. Just high enough to hopefully send you through, but not high enough to kill you. Your healers will mend broken bones, will they not?"
You scoffed dejectedly. "Yeah, but for a pretty hefty bill..." You threw your hands up. "Whatever. I'll die anyway if I don't try. Might as well." With Legolas watching you carefully to make sure you didn't try to jump from tree to tree, you started to climb.
Was it really only yesterday that you'd been having a fun, standard LARPing day with your family and [F/N]? The real world seemed like fantasy, now. This felt real. This felt like where you should be. But if your family weren't here, you wouldn't be able to enjoy it. You'd always feel as if you abandoned them. You wondered, did time pass differently? Did it go faster there, and slower here? Or was it the other way around? Would you find the portal, and return to the real world to find your family long gone and the year a thousand into the future? Then you'd wish you'd never left this place. Or would you find not a moment had passed, and to them, it was still the terrifying moment of not knowing if you were dead or alive, to find you unharmed? Would you then be able to convince them to fall through, even on the chance that the portal could only be used a handful of times, and if it did work, would a millenia had passed here? Even Blue-Eyes would've aged by that point, however slightly.
Once you'd reached a suitable height, you braced yourself against the trunk. "How's this?"
Legolas nodded. "Fine. Jump when you're ready.”
You took a minute... Ah... Better get this over with. One does not simply... Damn, what was that meme? "Ok, ready when you are."
Legolas stepped back, and waited; you hesitated, then jumped, and you felt deja vu as you barreled toward the ground, landing flat on your back. The impact knocked the wind out of you, and you felt a painful snap in your right ribcage. You kept your eyes closed; you heard nothing aside from the birds in the trees. You hoped, then hoped some more, expecting at any moment to hear the frantic footfalls of your family rushing to help you...
"Well, I see I was entirely wrong on the matter," Blue-Eyes stated simply, and you frowned. Fuck...
"Ya think? I'm still seeing priss-ass Elves in a goddamn forest that isn't the one I fell in. Fuck you, Blue-Eyes, for having me break a rib for no good damned reason." You glared at him as you tried to sit up, barely making it halfway before Legolas helped you, albeit roughly.
"Watch your tongue," Blue-Eyes snapped. "If it were not for us, you would be dead."
You pursed your lips. "You're gonna kill me anyway just for breathing on your trees, so why didn't you just let me die?"
For a second, Legolas seemed to feel pity for you. "I am sorry. Truly, I am. Perhaps if we fail to locate your way home, I could convince my father to refrain from executing you."
You huffed, wincing as the action hurt your broken-on-some-level ribs. "Why? So I can live the rest of my suddenly immortal life in a dark cell, underground, just for existing? Hell no. I'd rather die."
"Perhaps you could have another use," Legolas offered, and you shook your head.
"Never in my life have I been considered useful." You eyed Blue-Eyes disdainfully. "Ever. By anybody. If you can find a place for somebody like me that doesn't involve imprisonment, fine. But I won't be able to live with myself if I can't find a way back to Earth. I need my family. They're all I ever had."
Legolas knelt beside you. "You... Seem to be very close with them. You love this..." He looked off into the trees, searching for the word. "...Life, so much, and have wished for it for so long, but you'd give it up, to be with them in a world that does not want you... You have a brave heart."
You took the compliment. "Thanks. Now let's find this damn portal, shall we? I've got a couple more ribs to bust."
Tag List:
@tesserphantom @thedragonghostofmordor
@taurlel @hauntedsiriel
#legolas x reader#legolas x you#au#LARP#LoTR#the hobbit#legolas greenleaf#orlando bloom#orcs#wargs#elves#eldar#chapter 1#theartofbenganeldar#fanfiction#romance#angst#fluff#gender-nuetral#wild#misfit#reader-insert#forest#mirkwood#middle-earth#lots of blue in this chapter#and lots of apparent apparentness apparently#ronanstolkienfam
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My problems with Avengers Endgame
For the most part, I like it. Could’ve been better. But here are my problems with the movie
The bad taste Thor fat jokes and mocking jokes about Thor's PTSD and depression....like really? Also nice of the Russos for throwing Thor's character arc out the window and abandoning his people....TWICE. Instead of taking responsibility and rule with Valkyrie as his equal, Thor just abandons his people just to be a Guardian....for reasons??????
Sidelining Carol. WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF TEASING HER ONLY TO LEAVE HER ON THE FUCKING SIDES. NO SERIOUSLY, FUCKING WHY??? Why does Wanda get to unleash on Thanos, but Carol gets knocked around by Thanos? Fucking seriously? What kind of fucking bullshit is this. What kind of actual fucking disrespect is this horseshit?
Not making Carol and Maria married and being the representation fans wanted. Carol’s butch lesbian look was more representation than a nameless guy saying he was seeing another guy.
Fridging Black Widow before her fucking movie even comes out, jesus fucking christ, they really went "you're getting a Black Widow movie lol lmao bitch you thought" it’s not just that. Natasha isn’t even given respect after her passing. She isn’t given a goodbye. All she gets is the men turning into whiny pissants and Bruce tosses a bench into the lake. Natasha sacrificed her life for her family and to stop Thanos and THIS IS THE FUCKING THANKS SHE GETS???
Gamora is still fridged. Past Gamora is loyal to Thanos. That makes no fucking sense. Did the Russos even WATCH Guardians Of The Galaxy? Gamora in 2014 was working AGAINST Thanos. She plotted on hiding the power stone away from Thanos. Present Nebula didn’t even need to convince her, she should’ve helped Present Nebula from the beginning. There was no need for it. Even worse, Strange couldn’t just bring Gamora from a time before she went to Vormir. Gamora couldn’t have been spared her fate. And even worse. Both Gamora and Nebula are denied the revenge of the man who has abused, manipulated and gaslighted them their whole lives and they couldn’t be allowed the opportunity to kill Thanos? Fuck you.
Hank and Pierce's bad toupees
Not making Loki the rat who frees Scott and having it revealed and having Loki's grand dramatic slut return entrance. Loki just escaping with the Tesseract and not doing anything with it is just dumb. But what’s really dumb is not having Thor and Loki escaping together in Infinity War while Thanos is fighting The Hulk. He had it and he didn’t use it. It just feels like Loki’s death was ultimately pointless now. And apparently Loki escaping with The Tesseract was pointless, Loki is seen in his cell in Asgard....how the fuck is this supposed to make any sense at all? So honestly I would just have Loki be the very last one to return and reveal himself as the rat who freed Scott. It would make more sense than anything. Loki is the very thing that started The Avengers, it makes sense that he returns to help them against Thanos.
That fucking Hydra Cap reference, he needed to stay in cover, I know but we wanted to forget it ever happened
Once again the shows are screwed over. No Quake, Ghost Rider or The Defenders
Nebula does not kill Thanos.....fucking bullshit fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Nebula should’ve killed Thanos. Nebula by far suffered the most and the hand of Thanos. She was abused, manipulated, and isolated because of him and he killed her sister. Additionally, all of her movies, but especially Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 and Endgame flesh out and develop her character quite well, giving the audience ample time to connect with her. Furthermore, a great portion of Nebula’s body has been replaced with metal, which we already knew from previous films but was highlighted in Endgame itself, when Nebula simply sticks her hand in the energy field surrounding the power stone to retrieve it, destroying the “skin” on her hand but leaving her “skeleton” intact. Because of this, it is likely that Nebula had a better chance of surviving a snap than any other Avenger (except for maybe Bruce), and the cinematic payoff of allowing her to be the one to kill Thanos would have been far greater than letting Tony kill Thanos. You could even have Thanos say “I am inevitable daughter” Nebula could have a Eowyn moment “I am not your daughter” and finally Nebula would kill him. Nebula deserved to kill Thanos. And since Nebula was the one who snapped, we know Gamora would return, maybe since they worked together, Nebula would bring back Natasha. Like they all fought to bring an end and bring everyone back. Gamora and Natasha deserved to return and reverse the bullshit fridging.
Tony could return to his family and once again they didn’t have to make Far From Home of making Spider-Man be “the new Iron Man” Tony could retire in peace and tell Peter “the world is in safe hands of the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man”
Steve Rogers abandoning his found family and the horrible implications of Steve staying in the past. Before I talk about the implications, I just need to say it makes no sense. Steve made peace with his life in the new world. Peggy wanted Steve to move on, Steve grew as a character. He even saw Peggy was happy in Endgame(however I would’ve had Peggy be seen with her wife Angie, yes fuck ABC I am still bitter) and Peggy herself said she was happy with her life. It makes no sense for Steve to just abandon Sam and Bucky just to be with someone he kissed once. I honestly would’ve been happy if he chose to sacrifice himself to bring Natasha back. I would even be happy if Steve came back, married Sharon and chose to retire, and pass on the Shield to Sam. Just anything is better. It’s not a satisfying conclusion to Steve Rogers’ character arc. A satisfying character arc means more than giving the character a prize at the end of the story. Women are not prizes. Peggy Carter is not a prize. Peggy Carter would slap the shit out of Steve Rogers if she knew he threw his life away just to be with her and ruining her own life in turn. Even if I didn't like how they paired Peggy with Daniel, even I understand that Peggy moved on and found love and married a man who lost his leg for his country without superstrength or fame, and they had kids. Steve took away Peggy's agency, destroyed her family and ruined his own journey. Even more insulting is the fact that Bucky Barnes was brought back to life and Steve barely acknowledges him. Ever since The Winter Soldier, Steve’s journey has been focused on Bucky and he barely even acknowledges him. He fought a fucking war that split The Avengers for him and he STILL does not even have one last moment with him? What the fuck? But you know the real stupid thing about this? Tony and Natasha died just so to make the world a better place. The better place that Steve then leaves at the end of the movie. Steve’s entire character arc throughout the MCU would be opposed to altering the timeline for his own selfish desires. This is not the Captain America I know. You’re seriously telling me that Steve Rogers didn’t value his present friends, possible girlfriend and life even a little bit? What has been done to Steve Rogers is unforgivable and I would rather Steve dies sacrificing himself in bringing Thanos down. That would’ve been a better send off than ignoring everything about his character arc.
As for the implications about going to the past? He knows about the future, he knows HYDRA infiltrated SHIELD, he knows Bucky is being used as their weapon and will kill the Starks, he knows that Peggy, Howard and Hank are surrounded by Hydra, he even knows about the civil rights fighting. it’s a little alarming Steve Rogers’s idea of a retirement plan was to go back to the jim crow era to cuddle up with his old flame. Apparently a happy ending for Captain America is a white man in the US. He went back to an era where a cis het white man would feel very safe and comfortable. He doesn't choose to fight for Civil rights in the 60's(how is Sam supposed to feel that Steve did nothing for the movement?), Steve and Peggy don't crack down the Hydra infestation and there isn't a Bucky rescue. Like really bad implications
#anti mcu#anti endgame#thor odinson#captain marvel#carol danvers#black widow#natasha romanoff#Loki Laufeyson#loki laufeyson#captain america#steve rogers#gamora
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Is there a Bellamy pov for 'I frankly would've liked to stay'? Coz I really want to know what prompted them starting to make out, like, did Clarke say something? He made the move, but I can't read his side of things as well in this one so I'm mighty curious. I bet you'd come up with something amazing!
tbh the explanation is mostly “he wanted to make out with her” but you know
original fic here on AO3 and alt POV here!
The thing about Clarke is that she's like no one else Bellamy has ever had in his life. She likes him without any obligation to like him, and apparently with no misconceptions or ulterior motives. She enjoys spending time with him, doesn't get intimidated or annoyed by his moods, and seems to appreciate when he stands up to her, even when she's very determined to get her way.
She is, of course, also intelligent and beautiful and makes his whole chest feel warm, and he would like, very much, to figure out how to make it work with her. It being however far he can safely get on the sliding scale from friends to lovers. If all they ever are is good roommates who are fond of each other, he'll live, but he'd be much happier if he could at some point make out with her.
And he's pretty sure that should not, in any way, require his addressing the TV thing.
Honestly, nothing should require his addressing the the TV thing, because the TV thing is just not a big fucking deal. Every time he thinks about it, he tells himself that. Everyone else tells him that too, but they never make it sound believable. After all, it's hard to believe when every time someone finds out that he hasn't seen whatever thing he'd just love, and he says he's not interested, and it's always just--weird.
In some ways, it's become a test for him. He thought Miller would be a dick about it, but Miller just said, "Fuck, if you want to deprive yourself of cool shit, that's your call. You still play video games?" and that was it.
With Clarke, the biggest problem is that she makes him want to like the things she likes. He's at that stage of his crush where he wants to know everything about her, and she's the kind of person who likes having the TV on. And, from what he can tell, she has pretty good taste in her media.
So he starts asking about it slowly. If she has something he doesn't recognize on, he asks what it is, and she tells him, and that's about as far as he's gotten. Which is sad, and he's more than aware of it. But he'll come up with a second step, at some point. It really shouldn't be that awkward.
But he waits too long, so it is.
It's not strange for him to find her on the couch in her pajamas on a Saturday morning; when they first moved in together, she asked if he minded her hanging out in the living room with the TV on while he was around, and he said no, and she told him to just let him know if he ever wanted to watch something else.
Which, of course, he never has.
He goes into to the kitchen to pour himself a mug of coffee, leans against the counter to watch whatever is happening on the screen. It looks like fantasy, which isn't something he sees her watching a lot, and he takes a sip of his drink before he asks, "What are you watching?"
Instead of answering, she twists around to frown at him, which is not her usual reaction. "What do you mean, what am I watching?"
He frowns right back. "I'm not sure how that question could be clearer. You even repeated it."
"Fellowship of the Ring," she says, and he doesn't wince, but that explains that. "Extended edition."
He keeps his voice casual as he pushes off the counter to lean over her instead. "Oh yeah, they made a movie of that." Whoever's on the screen is short and kind of dirty, so he makes an educated guess. "Is that Frodo?"
"That's Gimli," she says, amused.
"Oh, yeah, that makes way more sense."
He pushes off the couch, and heads to the kitchen, thinking he's escaped from the awkwardness, but then he hears, "How have you not seen this? I know you have the books. I've seen the books on your shelves."
"I just never saw them," he finally says, knowing she's not going to let it go at that. He remembers when they came out, and it was all he heard about at school for weeks. He knows the guy who plays Legolas is, like, really dreamy, and that even jock kids liked the movies, which he told himself was a sign he wouldn't have.
But he really had wanted to see them. He'd done the math over and over, making sure he really couldn't afford it, and he really couldn't. So he didn't.
He hears the movie stop, and he doesn't let himself turn around. Not even when she says, "It really just started. You should watch with me." When he still doesn't respond, she adds, "Fellowship is definitely the best, but you can get mad about how they screwed up Faramir in Two Towers."
It's not what he was expecting her to say at all, and something in his chest relaxes. She doesn't think these movies are perfect. She's probably not even going to be offended if he complains about them. "They screwed up Faramir?"
There's a smug note in her voice that says she knows she's won. "Totally. Come on, Bellamy," she wheedles, for good measure. "I was in this fandom for a while. I can tell you all about the slash fanfic I read about Legolas and Gimli making out."
"I don't have to actually watch it for you to tell me about that," he points out, like he's not already a lost cause. She's never asked him to watch anything else before, and apparently he's not good at resisting her. "Isn't it like ten billion hours?"
"I'm sorry, did you suddenly grow a social life? Did you make plans for the weekend?"
He puts his coffee down on the table. "I need to get a book. So I can pretend I'm studying."
"Uh huh. I'll start it over."
He gets a book and sees that she's moved from the middle cushion to the left one, so he takes the right, leaving a good couple feet of space between them. The last time he watched a movie with someone, it was "watching a movie" as a clear and unmistakable excuse to make out. Which he's used to.
With Clarke, it's friendly. She puts her feet up on the coffee table and has her sketchpad in her lap, and aside from the anxious flutter in his chest, it feels like the kind of thing he could get used to. That he'd like to get used to. It would be nice, being good at watching movies with Clarke.
It still takes him a while to get there.
They blaze through The Lord of the Rings over the weekend, and it does go well. Bellamy has some trouble actually relaxing, but Clarke has a knack for putting him at ease. And she doesn't seem to care that he's not thrilled with the way they did Eowyn's storyline and thinks that a lot of the better speeches lost some of their impact going to screen. She has her own complaints, and there's plenty to like about the adaptation too.
It's fun, and he wants to be happy about it, but he can't help waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Because this is not something Clarke is letting go. She's not exactly subtle about it, but she is--well, she's cool about it, thinking about what he'll like and why he might like it. He assumes she talked to his sister, which is weird, but flattering, and it comes across as something she wants to share with him.
It's nice, it just feels like only a matter of time before he hits something that makes it awkward.
"I've never seen a Mad Max movie," he tells her, in line for Fury Road. Just to test the waters.
"Neither have I, but assholes on the internet are boycotting this one because it has too many women, so how bad can it be? And I don't think there's a ton of plot we have to follow."
"Wait," he says, holding up his hand. "That's a thing?"
"Which part?"
"People boycott movies because they have too many women?"
"Have we talked about the Ghostbusters reboot?" she asks, sounding thoughtful, and maybe that's why this thing is working for him. It's not just that she wants to share this stuff with him, it's that she knows what he's going to be interested.
She's working at it, and it's hard to feel anything but grateful and happy about that.
"You haven't," he says, shifting a little closer. "Do we have time?"
"Not for all of it. But I'm not going anywhere."
He bites the corner of his mouth. "No. So, tell me about Ghostbusters."
*
He actually really likes the anime. Not just because it's cool, but because Clarke hasn't seen a lot of it either, so he feels less pressure. If he was watching Clarke's favorite movie and hating it, he'd feel bad, but he likes forming opinions with her, or seeing her rediscover something she'd largely forgotten, enough so that when she says they're on their last Ghibli movie, he's honestly disappointed.
"I don't know anything about this one," Clarke says, making a face. "Grave of the Fireflies. Watch or skip it?"
"We've got it, why would we skip it?"
She looks so happy that he wishes he could just be normal about this. That he could just forget his random spikes of anxiety and watch things as casually as she does.
But he's still kind of a weird anxious mess, so that's all he's got.
"Yeah," she agrees. "I've heard it's good."
And part of Bellamy can recognize that it is good. Quality isn't the issue. But Clarke has been sticking, largely, to fun, somewhat fantastical stuff. Most of the movies were at least a little emotional, but Grave of the Fireflies is a war movie, and it's a war movie that starts with a little boy dying after he fails to save his younger sister's life, and that's nothing like any of the other things they've watched together.
It's not an unfamiliar feeling, recognizing himself in media. He does it in books and in songs, in the things he interacts with on his own. He likes it, even when it hurts, the familiarity, the assurance that he's not alone.
But, left to his own devices, he might not have experienced it with Clarke. He's not one of those people who thinks that guys crying is bad, or damaging to their masculinity, but there is something awkward about crying in front of another person, even quietly. They feel obligated to react in some way, and he wouldn't have put that burden on her. It's awkward, and he's never thought of her as someone who feels very at home with comforting people.
Then, she reaches over and takes his hand, making his heartbeat spike. Her palm is soft on top of his, her grip gentle, as if she just wants to remind him she's here. He swallows hard, unable to take his eyes off the TV, and lets his hand turn over so he can squeeze her back. Part of him wants to say something, to explain himself, but Clarke probably understands.
For the first time, he feels sure: she's on his side. She's going to stay on his side.
He doesn't have anything good to say about the movie, nothing that feels right. He liked it, but the words feel inaccurate and inadequate all at once. It was like watching another version of himself, a life he might have had, the life he beat. He and Octavia survived. He kept them alive.
So he clears his throat to get the tears out of his voice and asks, "Do you have easy access to that cop show?"
"Cop show?"
"The one with the hot angry latina." She watches it a lot in the background, and he always likes what he hears. One time a guy actually said the word transphobic. He didn't think that happened on TV shows.
Her smile isn't patronizing at all; if anything, she looks glad there's something she can do. "Yeah, it's on Hulu."
"Could we watch an episode of that? Just--"
She squeezes his hand when his voice gives out. "Sounds good."
Then she lets go, which kind of sucks. He's excited for the show, but he'd be more excited without the cushion of space between them, if she were curled up into his side. It would make him feel so much better.
When she's done, she puts the remote aside and lets her hand fall back on the cushion between them. It could be a coincidence; it could mean nothing. But if she can have a campaign to get him familiar with pop culture, he can have his own, private counter-campaign, one where he tries to figure out how to, someday, date her.
So he reaches back, takes her hand, and sees her smile a little.
Maybe it won't even be that hard.
*
Of course, the thing about his plan is that it involves a lot of risk. If making a move on Clarke goes wrong, his whole life is kind of ruined. He has other friends, of course, other people he cares about, but--he adores Clarke, like he's never adored anyone else. If it works out, it's going to be amazing. If it doesn't, he'll still have to live with her, and with the knowledge that she doesn't want him.
"Or you could, you know, get a girlfriend," Miller says. "I hear that's good, if you're into it. And she's cool and likes all your weird shit. It's been long enough she's probably not even just into you for your body."
"I'm not worried about that. I'm worried she's not into me at all."
"Dude. You've had other roommates, right? You get that this isn't normal."
"It's not about roommates. It's about her. She could be like this with all her roommates. She finds out something is weird and has to fix it. That's how she is."
"She can do that and still be into you," Miller says. "Which, again, I'm pretty sure she is. Her signals are not subtle. She looks at your mouth a lot."
"Why do you know that?"
"Monty and I have a drinking game. Once you're dating someone, the stress about them not liking you goes away and you have to make your own fun."
He rubs his face. "I'm going to tell her. I can do that thing where I yawn and put my arm around her, right? That's what people do during movies."
"How do you know that but not what The Terminator is?"
"I assume it's a guy who terminates things," he says. "Is it going to help me hit on Clarke? If it doesn't, I don't care."
"It probably could. You need all the help you can get."
He leans back, closing his eyes. "I'm going to figure it out any day. Just wait."
"I'm not holding my breath," says Miller, and Bellamy inclines his head without straightening it up.
"Yeah, I wouldn't suggest it."
*
When he's still working on figuring out how to subtly shift into Clarke and put his arm around her during a movie, they hit the Star Wars issue.
It's weird to think of Star Wars as an issue, but lots of people love Star Wars, and he knows Clarke is one of them. She doesn't make a huge deal of it or anything, but she has a Darth Vader mug that her dad gave her before he died, and she actually owns the DVDs, which is pretty rare for her. She usually just streams things.
It seemed pretty unlikely that he'd be able to avoid it coming up ever, but he hoped he'd be able to avoid it coming up until he was sure she liked him. When he didn't think it could ruin things.
It's so stupid. He knows it is.
He's at the stove, working on dinner, when it finally comes up, and he doesn't even notice. He did know May the force be with you was a thing, but his primary association with the word force isn't the Star Wars franchise, so he runs through a list of things it could be and finally guesses, "Is that a band?"
He'll maintain it's a good guess. They don't usually buy movie tickets that much in advance. And she seems to expect him to know what it is, which isn't usually how she acts about movies. Plus, he knew there was a new Star Wars coming at some point, but he thought it wasn't for a while, and he didn't know the name.
But then Clarke says, slow, "It's the new Star Wars," and he tries and fails not to wince.
"Huh," he says, careful.
There's a pause, and then he feels her by his side, so close he could hook his arm around her waist if he wanted to. Which, he does, but--not right now.
"You know I don't care, right?" she asks, because she does know him. "You haven't seen movies, big deal. It's kind of nice. I get to show you all my favorite stuff and you've never seen it before. I get to see you seeing it for the first time."
He's heard that before, but he does believe it from Clarke. She seems equally delighted when he enjoys things and when he complains, but--he wants to love the things she loves. He wants to have these things in common.
"Octavia told you," he says, mostly to see what she'll say. Of course she talked to Octavia about it, but--he doesn't know exactly what Clarke thought was important. Or what Octavia assumes about why he's so stubborn about these things.
"Just that you guys didn't have a TV when you were kids," she says, with an easy shrug. "And that she gets annoyed with people asking her why she hasn't seen stuff."
He nods, looks at her sidelong. "I know all the spoilers."
"For what?"
"Star Wars. Darth Vader is Luke's father. Luke and Leia are siblings. The prequels are shit. Jar Jar Binks is the worst." He scrambles for any other knowledge of the franchise and comes up wit, "Uh, Yoda," which at least makes her laugh.
"You think Yoda is a spoiler?"
"He's not? I feel like once I saw him, there wasn't much point in anything else."
"Yeah, we all feel that way about Yoda." She nods, as if this was a discussion, and now they're on the same page. "So, this weekend, right? You and me, Star Wars marathon. You were a space kid. I bet you haven't seen Star Trek either," she adds, perking up again. She sounds gleeful, and all he really wants is to make her happy.
He wants this to be as fun as she thinks it will be.
"I thought you weren't allowed to like both," he says, wary.
"I'm a rebel." She taps her jaw. "I think you'd like DS9, that's the one that's got, like--it's the one that's good if you don't have the benefit of nostalgia."
"You're making this sound great."
"I try to be realistic," she says, and he knows that's true too. She's been working so hard at this. She's been so careful.
And now she wants to jump in the deep end with Star Wars.
"I might not like it."
"We don't have to watch DS9."
"I meant Star Wars," he says. "Is that going to be a problem? You going to have to move out?"
Her smile is a little patronizing, and he has to admit he deserves it. "I'll live. But I think you're going to like it."
"I had this girlfriend in high school," he lets himself admit. It's one of those stories that he feels hurt him more than it should have, that he doesn't like caring about. But she was the first girl he'd ever really dated, instead of fooling around, and he'd liked her. He'd thought they had something good. Now, he knows that it wouldn't have lasted anyway, but--it was easy for him to get attached back then. He was so greedy for affection. "She found out I liked the Harry Potter books, but I'd never seen the movie, and she was--like you, I guess." It's not true, not really; he doesn't think Clarke will be anything like Roma was. But he needs to hear her say she's not. "She was really excited she got to show them to me. And I fucking hated the first movie," he admits, with a wry smile. "I always kind of saw Harry as, uh--I thought he'd look more like me, and no one else looked like I pictured them either and it just--I thought it was shitty, I didn't want to watch the rest, she got pissed, and we broke up. Over a stupid Harry Potter movie. And it's not like I really cared," he adds, which isn't exactly true either. He wants to not care, but everyone else always makes him feel like he has to. Just because Clarke does it in a nice way doesn't mean he can stop fretting. Fretting is what he does. "But I did get sick of it. I haven't seen some stuff. Who cares?"
She leans her forehead against his shoulder blade, warm and affectionate. "I kind of like it when you hate stuff," she tells him. "It's fun."
"Yeah, I've noticed. But--you like Star Wars."
"Yup," she says, without a trace of worry.
"I want to like it."
"Maybe you will." There's a pause, and then she adds, deliberate, "I'm not going to break up with you if you don't like Star Wars, Bellamy."
"We're not dating," he says, voice a little dry. It doesn't even feel true, right now. It feels as if he could kiss her, and she'd slide into his arms and not leave. "So that would be tough. Do we have to watch the prequels?"
"I'm going to do some research," she declares, because of course she is, and he loves her.
"Research?" he asks, and lets himself hope it's going to be okay as she walks him through her plan.
Star Wars is really long, after all. He can definitely stretch and wrap his arm around her at some point.
*
He blames his actual excitement about the whole thing for his slip-up with Octavia. They're on their weekly check-in call, and when she asks him if he's doing anything special over the weekend, he tells her, "Watching Star Wars with Clarke," without thinking about it.
During the long pause, he remembers that his sister has tried, on multiple occasions, to convince him to watch Star Wars, for his own edification. Half of his refusal to see those movies, specifically, was just to piss her off.
If anyone had asked him, he would have said he assumed Octavia knew he was in love with Clarke. He sort of assumes everyone knows. It's a both minor miracle and annoyance that Clarke seems to have missed it. So it doesn't really feel like this should be a surprise for her. She should be able to figure it out.
"All of them?" is what she finally asks.
"You didn't think I had a social life, did you?" He shrugs, even though she can't see it. "Might as well get it over with. She wants to go to the new one, so--"
"So that is a thing."
"I don't know what you were expecting, you had your hot friend move in with me. Obviously I have a thing for her. I thought you knew."
"You're such a mess, Bell," she says. "If you like Star Wars, I'm never going to let you live it down."
"Cool," he says. "I'll deserve it."
*
Despite his best efforts to sleep in, he wakes up stupidly early on Saturday. At least the problem isn't really nerves about not liking Star Wars; he's basically fine with however that turns out. But the event feels significant, and he's got his mind half set on today being it. He's going to make a move on Clarke, somehow.
But she's not even awake yet, so if his brain would just shut the fuck up about it, that would be great. He gathers some of his thesis stuff to work on to distract himself, getting set up on the couch fairly happily. He's going for cool and casual, but of course as soon as Clarke comes out, she calls him out on it, which is fine. He wasn't really planning to keep the books once she was awake, he just needed something to do with his hands.
He gets the stuff put away and is settled back in by the time she's ready with coffee and cereal, and he can see her thinking for a second before she sits directly next to him, close enough that he can feel the heat coming off her side.
So they're on the same page. That's good.
"Okay, so," he says, shifting so he can get more comfortable, putting his arm behind her on the couch, but not really around her shoulders. "What's the plan? Did you figure out the optimal order to watch these in?"
"Machete order, basically," she says, like this will mean something to him. His expression must give him away, because she counts off on her fingers. "Episode four, episode five, episode two, episode three, episode six. And instead of watching The Phantom Menace, we just listen to the Weird Al "American Pie" parody song, which is way better."
"Cool. Which one is your favorite?"
She flashes him a grin. "Why, do you want to be nice to it?"
"Kind of, yeah."
Apparently it's the right answer, because she actually starts snuggling with him, which is the best kind of alarming. She's warm and smells like day-old shampoo, and it's the kind of perfect, comfortable morning he'd like to have every weekend.
"Return of the Jedi," she says. "I think the Ewoks are cute. Apparently this is a really unpopular opinion on the internet." She flashes him another bright smile. "I got in some fights while I was looking into this, so you better appreciate it."
"My hero," he says, getting his arm around her shoulders. "Are people against cute things?"
Clarke trades her cereal for the remote. "Not exactly. Just, you know. Star Wars is at its best when it's all serious and about a lack of hope for the future or something. Which is bullshit, especially given the first movie is called A New Hope. That's setting an optimistic tone."
"The first movie or the fourth movie?"
"Fourth movie."
"That's definitely needlessly confusing, for the record."
"Yeah, I think it was supposed to be kind of exciting? The ultimate in media res. But it gets weird to talk about."
He lets himself rest his cheek on her hair. "What's the one coming out soon that we have to see? What episode, I mean. Negative five?"
"Seven," she says, fond. "Okay, first disclaimer."
"Jesus, already?"
She ignores him. "These are the new versions, so I'm going to yell at the screen about how George Lucas is a hack any time one of the new scenes is on."
"Perfect. This is a lot of text. Do I need to be reading it?"
"No, you're fine. Evil empire, no hope, the usual."
"Is Yoda the new hope?"
She laughs. "No, Yoda is his sled." There's a pause. "You get that reference from just being alive, right?"
"Citizen Kane?" he hazards.
"Yeah. Which I've never actually seen. We should watch it. Grow as people."
"That sounds awful. The ships are pretty cool," he adds, hesitant. Effects don't always work for him, but he can imagine how cool the opening would look on a big screen, how all-consuming.
"That's a Star Destroyer," she says. "Evil empire ship."
"Evil empires get all the cool ships." He slides his arm further down, around her waist, and she finishes up the last few bites of cereal and puts the bowl down so she can curl against his chest.
He could definitely get used to this. And he even thinks he'll have the chance to.
*
He misses Yoda's first appearance, but it's definitely not his fault. He's trying to figure out when he should be tugging Clarke into his lap to kiss her, and it's hard to plan that when he's never seen the movie. And he is enjoying the movie. It's just that the girl he's in love with is tangled in his arms and they're holding hands and he's not sure there's a movie in the world that could distract him from that. Especially given what a great angle he has to look down her tank top right now.
"I was expecting more of a reaction," she says.
He starts, guilty. "What?"
"Yoda. I know he's your top priority."
He squints at the screen. Luke is on some kind of weird gray swamp planet, and everything seems bad.
Then he sees the weird green thing.
"Holy shit, is that him?"
Clarke is laughing. "I thought you knew what he looked like!"
"I thought he'd be bigger. And brighter green. And--wow. That's a lot."
She squeezes his fingers. "Everything you dreamed?"
"Honestly, yeah. What's he made out of? Is there an actor in there?"
"I think he's a puppet."
"Wow. That's awesome."
"I'm glad he lives up to expectations. He and Luke are going to do a training montage."
"He's a teacher?"
"Jedi master."
"Huh."
"See, you didn't get spoiled for everything."
"Not everything," he agrees, turning his focus to their linked hands. "I didn't see this one coming."
*
"Fun fact, Weird Al actually wrote that song before the movie came out based on Internet spoilers," Clarke tells him, once they're finished with the musical recap of the first episode. If it's really accurate, he doesn't feel like he's missing that much. He has yet to develop any emotional attachment to Anakin Skywalker.
"And I'll never know how accurate it is."
"You can watch the first one. I won't stop you."
"What's the point if you're not watching it with me?" he asks without thinking, and he's rewarded with a smile and slight flush.
"Suffering is better together," she agrees. "Okay. Episode two?"
"Sure," he says.
He'd like to say he gives the movie a fair try, but he honestly just doesn't. Clarke doesn't like it, and it's not like he's doing this just to impress her, but if she's not engaged, he isn't going to be either.
Besides, she just keeps getting closer to him, and even if he didn't basically want to marry her, he'd be dealing with some noticeable physical reactions.
"Do I need to care about this?" he asks. Pre-Vader and his girlfriend are flirting. Maybe. It's probably supposed to be flirting, but Han and Leia were a lot more convincing.
"Yes, this is--" She makes a face. "Honestly, I can't even think of a fake reason to care. I honestly have no idea what happens in this--"
He catches her jaw and tugs her mouth to his, swallowing the end of her sentence. She laughs into the kiss, this bright, pleased sound, and repositions so she can reciprocate without hurting her neck. He mouth is soft and warm and perfect, and she's pressing in close, like she wouldn't have been able to wait much longer either.
"This is because I'm bored and you're all over me," he tells her, trying not to grin too hard. "Not because the movie is romantic. I just want that to be clear."
"Because you're bored?" she asks, amused, and he nips her neck.
"We need to be dating by the time we're watching Return of the Jedi so you can dump me when I don't like it," he teases. "So I was working on a pretty short timetable."
Clarke looks like she's going to say something, but she leans in first, and he can't help kissing her again, and it turns into making out basically instantly, warm and perfect, making his whole chest light up. She's so warm and eager on top of him, so perfect.
"That's probably not going to happen," she murmurs, and there's a split second of total panic before she laughs softly and noses his jaw. "I meant dumping you, not dating you. I don't think there's anything you can say about Return of the Jedi to make me stop liking you."
He wasn't actually worried, not with any conscious part of his brain, because he knows her, and he knows she wouldn't be doing this if she wasn't serious. So it's easy to laugh and let his hands find the hem of her shirt, pulling it off when she obligingly raises her arms. "Sounds like a challenge." he says, giving her another kiss. "What if I hate the Ewoks?"
"I'll live."
"What if I think the entire franchise is a waste?"
"You like Princess Leia, so I know you don't."
"What if I--"
"What if instead of talking about Star Wars, we had sex?" she suggests, grinding down on him with a wicked smirk. "Don't get me wrong, it's fun and all, but--come on, Bellamy. It's just a movie."
He laughs, sliding his hands up her back to unhook her bra. "Yeah," he agrees. "Just a movie."
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return of the blog, part 9
“I don’t want to stop thinking about the space opera version of the legendarium...”
THE FIELD OF CORMALLEN
The moment Sauron gets distracted and begins to doubt himself, every single one of his solders feels the hand lighten up on the back of their neck and goes “oh fuck, what am I doing?” WAIT. SO THE WAY SAURON KEEPS HIS SOLDIERS FROM DESERTING IS CONSTANTLY MIND CONTROLLING EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM? No, no, that probably only works when they’re all gathered together like this. Still, that’s a hell of a thing to be able to do. Think of all the stuff he could get done if he stopped spending 500% of his energy breathing down everyone’s necks!
Orodruin wheezes out a huge puff of black smoke. It’s Sauron, probably, or at least a metaphor for Sauron. He reaches out a threatening hand, but gets blown away by the wind before he can touch the Western Alliance. The people whose wills he enslaved are so confused that they start running around knocking into each other, tripping on their swords and dying, killing each other, they just do not know what is going on and it has massive casualties. A few of the humans who actually do hate the West hunker down and prepare to fight, but everyone else is running around like headless chickens. Gandalf asks Gwaihir to come fly him to Orodruin. Gwaihir is like “bro I am always here for you, I love you so much.” It’s very sweet and I want to hear more about their relationship.
Very jarringly, without so much as a section break (at least in my bootleg online copy) Frodo repeats his line from the end of last chapter, and then goes on to say some more extremely depressing things. Sam insists on walking a ways down the mountain, because what else are they going to do? But they fetch up in front of a huge pyroclastic flow so, no dice. Just as the eagles spot them, they both pass out. I really like how they each need an entire eagle to carry them, even though they are about a hundred pounds each probably, and I previously assumed these were giant eagles. Maybe they are... eagles that are only slightly larger than normal earth eagles?? Like, a condor and a half. Huge birds, but still of earthly proportion. Love it.
On April 8th, Sam wakes up again, and thinks he’s dreaming. This is nice and all, but they were literally starving when they were last awake several weeks ago (March 25th, Gandalf helpfully reminds us, which has now been declared new year’s day in Gondor). Unless someone invented intravenous feeding tubes while I wasn’t looking, they should be dead.
No. uh. ~~magic!~~
They walk outside (they’re in Ithilien, but Aragorn seems to be having his coronation here anyway? rather than in Minas Tirith?) and a bunch of people are shouting “PRAISE THE HOBBITS! PRAISE THEM WITH GREAT PRAISE! SAM AND FRODO HIP HIP HOORAY!” Which is extremely embarrassing. Even Aragorn, the guy of the day, takes their hands and shouts “PRAISE THEM WITH GREAT PRAISE!” This is starting to feel a little bit like a weird horror story, like where you wake up and the world has been altered in some way and everyone is acting Off and nobody will explain anything and it’s upsetting.
Sam, however, is just happy that someone wrote a song about Frodo.
They talk with everyone and feast and stuff for the whole day. Also apparently it’s Aragorn who kept them alive with his ~healing True King hands~. This still explains nothing. And I guess on May Day Aragorn is returning to Minas Tirith, for symbolism reasons. Waves a tiny flag apathetically. This was a very dull chapter because everything was summarized instead of told properly; we were supposed to feel happy, but it was like dutifully chewing kale. Except worse because I’m actually quite fond of kale. I can’t think of anything chewy. Gristle?
THE STEWARD AND THE KING
Heyyyyyy sounds like we’re gonna hear about Faramir! Fingers crossed for gay shit.
Eowyn is running around out of her bed when she shouldn’t be, because she’s as strong as a horse and bored bored bored. She picks a minor fight with the chief healer for saying maybe wars are bad and demands to know if there are any deeds to do. Gah I love her. Finally the healer, exasperated, takes her to the steward of the city so she can pester him instead. “Do not misunderstand him, lord,” says Éowyn. “It is not lack of care that grieves me. No houses could be fairer, for those who desire to be healed. But I cannot lie in sloth, idle, caged. I looked for death in battle. But I have not died, and battle still goes on."
Ugh. Eowyn is pulling a real Marius Pontmercy here.
“Make the healers let me go,” she says.
“Have you considered... maybe they know what they’re doing?” says Faramir.
“I WANT... TO GO TO BATTLE. I want to be like my father! Honorable and dead!” Okay why is Eowyn so set on being dead. I’m not entirely sure where this characterization is coming from. Has she always been lowkey suicidal and it just looked like she wanted to do glorious deeds? She sort of gives in eventually and accepts that this battle is already too far away for her to join in. Faramir doesn’t want her to be bored and antsy, so he asks her to hang out with him while they’re both healing. He also tells her she’s beautiful, and she’s like “Uhhhh sorry I’m too butch for this.” And leaves.
Faramir hunts down Merry to question him about Eowyn, and they loiter in the garden hopefully waiting for her to show up. She doesn’t. She does come later, and they start hanging out a lot. He gives her a super nice coat that his mom (Finduilas of Amroth!) used to own. Eowyn keeps looking toward Mordor and sighing and saying “When will he come back??” And it’s clear she’s utterly oblivious to Faramir’s gentle flirting. But she does hold hands with him without either of them noticing, so ???
AH. Faramir also makes a Numenor comparison as great plumes of smoke rise up from Mordor:
It seemed to them that above the ridges of the distant mountains another vast mountain of darkness rose, towering up like a wave that should engulf the world, and about it lightnings flickered; and then a tremor ran through the earth, and they felt the walls of the City quiver. A sound like a sigh went up from all the lands about them; and their hearts beat suddenly again.
‘It reminds me of Númenor,’ said Faramir. “The land of Westernesse that foundered and of the great dark wave climbing over the green lands and above the hills, and coming on, darkness unescapable. I often dream of it.’
Ugh I don’t even care about Hamilton but I think so much about that line that’s like “I imagine death so often it feels more like a memory.” It’s both how I feel about Faramir, and clearly how Faramir himself feels.
Just then an eagle flies by the city, singing the news. This is so goofy compared to Faramir’s congenital solemnity. Oh this is good though. After he takes up stewardship of the city Eowyn has an Angst. Faramir tries to be oblique about asking if she likes him, but she makes him come out and say it.
‘Éowyn, do you not love me, or will you not?’
‘I wished to be loved by another,’ she answered. ‘But I desire no man’s pity.’
I’m gay? oh haha,
'As a great captain may to a young soldier he seemed to you admirable. For so he is, a lord among men, the greatest that now is. But when he gave you only understanding and pity, then you desired to have nothing, unless a brave death in battle.’
Haha yes gogol was right
'Do not scorn pity that is the gift of a gentle heart, Éowyn! But I do not offer you my pity. For you are a lady high and valiant and have yourself won renown that shall not be forgotten; and you are a lady beautiful, I deem, beyond even the words of the Elven-tongue to tell. And I love you. Once I pitied your sorrow. But now, were you sorrowless, without fear or any lack, were you the blissful Queen of Gondor, still I would love you.’
“I would love you even if you were happy” is such a fucked up thing to have to say, honestly. BUT, “I love you for doing great deeds and this is not a pity-date” is exactly what Eowyn wants to hear, probably.
‘I will be a shieldmaiden no longer, nor vie with the great Riders, nor take joy only in the songs of slaying. I will be a healer, and love all things that grow and are not barren.’
Wait
I mean. This is a great thing, not killing people, and I have always associated becoming trans with putting down one’s sword, but this feels like. “oh finally she can be a real woman.” So Johnald thinks, but in fact Eowyn is trans and wants to be a gentleman/gentle man. So I’m putting my grubby queer fingers all over this and saying it’s really good that Eowyn is associating masculinity with peace and healing and growth.
Faramir asks Eowyn to marry him and she says,
‘Then must I leave my own people, man of Gondor? And would you have your proud folk say of you: “There goes a lord who tamed a wild shieldmaiden of the North! Was there no woman of the race of Númenor to choose?”’
For some dumb reason he interprets this as her being worried about his reputation, rather than her being worried about being asked to leave her entire family behind and be an item of curiosity as long as she lives in Gondor??
And then he kisses her. Ugh.
After this Aragorn and co come back, and Aragorn does a bunch of symbolic junk with symbols of office. He pardons everyone. The city is full of flowers and babies to kiss. Faramir becomes the prince of Ithilien. Eowyn goes home to Rohan to rebuild, but says she’ll come back when she can finally bring Theoden back and put him at rest in Rohan. That’s some good shit. Also Aragorn finds a Nimloth sapling just sort of hanging out on the mountain. Gandalf points at it and Aragorn is like “oh”
“guess I’ll take this home then”
Then Galadriel and Elrond show up and Aragorn gets married. Either that or he and Arwen are just holding hands. Gotta say, I can not relate to any of this. Where is the trauma. Where is the trauma!
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Tolkien Update #1 (7 June 2021)
GENERAL SPOILER WARNING FOR THE LORD OF THE RINGS
Hey guys, so I've finally finished with school and now I get to read to my heart's utmost desire. Therefore, I'll be giving regular updates on my journey through Tolkien's works. They will be very heartfelt posts, as Tolkien’s writing consistently manages to touch the deepest parts of my heart. I’ll probably go chapter by chapter for The Lord of the Rings, going over quotes that I loved or found interesting and making general comments... not sure what I'll do for the rest of the books. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Also I’m starting in the middle of the trilogy because that’s where I’m at right now. Retroactive posts may or may not come For now, here is my "review" of:
The Two Towers being the second part of The Lord of the Rings
Chapter 6 “The King of the Golden Hall” otherwise known as “Eowyn is a Fucking Badass”
To give a brief overall review, I found this chapter rather interesting. It chronicled the end of Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli's journey across the plains of Rohan and their arrival at the Golden Hall, Meduseld, the seat of King Theoden son of Thengel, in Edoras. I found Tolkien's specificity in ethnic distinctions between men from different regions of Middle Earth (men of Gondor vs. men of Rohan vs. Men of, for example, Bree) particularly fascinating. His attention for detail is absolutely spectacular. Also in this chapter, Eowyn is introduced, and let me tell you that I fell in love with this woman at first sight. Further commentary in the quotes down below, but damn I love her. I wanna be her. Not sure how I feel about the whole thing Tolkien is setting up between her and Aragorn, though... I definitely hated it in the movie but I feel a little bit better about it in the book. I believe Eowyn's representation is overall more thorough and better in the book than in the movie.
Quotes that I liked/highlighted from this chapter and perhaps some general commentary/observations to accompany them (If I don’t provide commentary for a quote, assume that I just thought it sounded pretty):
As the company approaches Rohan, Aragorn and Legolas observe the lineage of the royalty of Rohan. Legolas notes how insignificant the passage of these five hundred years is to the elves and Aragorn counters that “’…to the Riders of the Mark it seems so long ago,’ said Aragorn, ‘that the raising of this house is but a memory of song, and the years before are lost in the mist of time.’” (pg. 112)
Aragorn’s lamentable tone resonated with the deepest parts of my soul here. I believe that his reflection upon the “mist of time” here mirrors reflection on his Numenorean blood and extended age, and perhaps the alienation he feels from his kin because of these extraordinary traits.
A little later on Legolas observes the language of the Rohirrim and humbly notes that “‘[He] cannot guess what it means, save that it is laden with the sadness of Mortal Men.’” (pg. 112)
This quote kind of left me speechless, the melancholy in conjunction with Legolas’ humility in the observation of the culture of the race of man, a culture and a race that elves normally look down upon or scorn... It just makes you realize the innate goodness of Legolas, and makes me love him all the more.
“‘It is not clear to me that the will of Theoden son of Thengel, even though he be lord of the Mark, should prevail over the will of Aragorn, Elendil’s heir of Gondor.’“ (pg. 115)
...Everytime someone mentions Aragorn’s lineage it gives me chills. Every. Single. Time.
“‘In this elvish sheath dwells the Blade that was Broken and has been made again. Telchar first wrout it in the deeps of time. Death shall come to any man that draws Elendil’s sword save Elendil’s heir.’“ (pg. 115)
See above. Also, no idea who Telchar is yet. Maybe I’ll find out when I read The Silmarillion?
“‘Yet in doubt a man of worth will trust to his own wisdom.” (pg. 116)
Thought this was a good aphorism. Tolkien speaking straight facts.
“’...ill news is an ill guest they say.’“
See above.
“‘The wise speak only of what they know, Grima son of Galmod. A witless worm have you become. Therefore be silent, and keep your forked tongue behind your teeth. I have not passed through fire and death to bandy crooked words with a serving-man till the lightning falls.’“ (pg. 118)
Gandalf putting the traitorous Grima in his place, as he should...
HERE’S WHERE THINGS GET INTERESTING
As the company proceeds outside with King Theoden, Tolkien provides the first description of his niece, Eowyn. “Grave and thoughtful was her glance, as she looked on the king with cool pity in her eyes. Very fair was her face, and her long hair was like a river of gold. Slender and tall she was in her white robe girt with silver; but strong she seemed and stern as steel, a daughter of kings. Thus Aragorn for the first time in the full light of day beheld Eowyn, Lady of Rohan, and thought her fair, fair and cold, like a morning of pale spring that is not yet come to womanhood. And she now was suddenly aware of him: tall heir of kings, wise with many winters, greycloaked, hiding a power that yet she felt. For a moment still as stone she stood, then turning swiftly she was gone.” (pg. 119)
Wow. And just like that, I’m head over heels for Eowyn in just a few words. Especially the bolded part. I just feel so empowered by this description. I love her. I want to be her. AND THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING OF HER BAD-ASSERY, as you will see in my following quotes. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love Miranda Otto, she’s amazing in the movies. However I do in fact adore her more in the books. BUT THEN THE DESCRIPTION OF ARAGORN FROM HER PERSPECTIVE. I WANT TO BE HIM TOO. I love them both, I love them all. I still don’t know how I feel about the romance that Tolkien is hinting at, though... Leaning toward not liking it especially.
“‘Alas!’ he said, ‘that these evil days should be mine, and should come in my old age instead of that peace which I have earned. Alas for Boromir the brave! The young perish and the old linger, withering.’“ (pg. 121)
I like Boromir more in the books, movie did him dirty :(
This is the second time an observation of this type has been made. The first was by Frodo to Gandalf in FOTR. Recurring themes people, recurring themes.
I forgot what number three was. Oh right, spot the aphorism!
“Arise now, arise, Riders of Theoden!
Dire deeds awake, dark is it eastward.
Let horse be bridled, horn be sounded!
Forth Eorlingas!”
(pg. 122)
I always love Tolkien’s verse. Also the repetition of “Forth Eorlingas!” always hits different :’)
“‘If we fail, we fall. If we succeed--then we will face the next task.” (pg. 122)
Wise, pertinent words. (Spot the aphorism!)
“‘There is no rest yet for the weary.’“ (pg. 123)
yardy know... spot the aphorism! no, but, fr, i felt this. school’s tiring, dude. it’s over tho. good times!
“’Then even the defeat of Rohan will be glorious in song,’“ Aragorn says as King Theoden insists upon riding out to battle with the company, the Rohirrim, and the amassed male citizens of Edoras. “‘The Lord of the Mark will ride! Forth Eorlingas!’“
Chivalry, nobility, humility, and “Forth Eorlingas!” Honestly, what more could you ask for?
“‘Down, snake! ...Down on your belly! How long is it since Saruman bought you? What was the promised price? When all the men were dead, you were to pick your share of the treasure, and take the woman you desire? Too long have you watched her under your eyelids and haunted her steps.’“ (pg. 124)
Gandalf’s confrontation of Grima. Noted because this exchange is transposed almost word for word in the movie (if I’m not mistaken) and I found it interesting.
Following King Theoden’s rallying of the troops, “already they heard below them in the town the heralds crying and the war-horns blowing. For the king was to ride forth as soon as the men of the town and those dwelling near could be armed and assembled.” (pg. 125)
The way Tolkien phrases this makes one feel so powerful.
“’Faithful heart may have froward tongue.’“ says King Theoden regarding Eomer. “’To crooked eyes truth may wear a wry face.’” says Gandalf about the same. (pg. 126)
Aphorisms, aphorisms, aphorisms! Love this man.
When asked what gift he would have from the King of Rohan, Gandalf petitions “give me Shadowfax! He was only lent before, if loan we may call it. But now I shall ride him into great hazard, setting silver against black: I would not risk anything that is not my own. And already there is a bond of love between us.’” (pg. 126)
I love Tolkien’s mention here of love and bonding with animals. Really highlights his special connection with nature and emphasizes the fact that we should all try to be closer with and kinder to our environment as a whole.
“Now men came bearing raiment of war from the king’s hoard, and they arrayed Aragorn and Legolas in shining mail. Helms too they chose, and round shields: their bosses were overlaid with gold and set with gems, green and red and white.” (pg. 127)
Powerful. Just... no words. Powerful.
“’Indeed sooner I would I bear a horse than to be borne by one.’” says Gimli the dwarf. (pg. 127)
Some comic relief from the comedic legend that is Gimli son of Gloin, the dwarf.
HERE WE GO BABY HERE COMES EOWYN MY LOVE
Speaking of who should take charge of Rohan in the absence of Theoden and Eomer, “there is Eowyn, daughter of Eomund, [Eomer’s] sister. She is fearless and high-hearted. All love her. Let her be as lord to the Eorlingas, while we are gone.’ ...Then the king sat upon a seat before his doors, and Eowyn knelt before him and received from him a sword and a fair corslet.” (pg. 128)
YES! JUST, YES! NEED I SAY MORE? NEED I REPEAT MYSELF? NEED I EMPHASIZE MY UNENDING LOVE FOR EOWYN?
AND HERE WE GO AGAIN WITH THIS BAD-ASSERY
“Aragorn looked back s they passed towards the gate. Alone Eowyn stood before the doors of the house at the stair’s head; the sword was set upright before her, and her hands were laid upon the hilt. She was clad now in mail and shone like silver in the sun.” (pg. 128)
*INTERNAL SCREAMING OVER HOW MUCH I ADORE AND WANT TO BE THIS AMAZING POWERFUL WOMAN*
“‘Men need many words before deeds.’“ says Gimli the dwarf. (pg. 128)
Aphorism >:)
“‘An axe is no weapon for a rider.’” says Legolas to Gimli. “And a Dwarf is no horseman. It is orc-necks I would hew, not shave the scalps of Men.’“ (pg. 128)
Love Gimli’s enthusiasm. Right attitude, right execution.
It’s too long for me to effectively quote it but on pg. 129 there’s a pretty humorous exchange between Eomer and Gimli. Love the character dynamics of the two, and I love their interactions. They’re great, especially considering the emergence of their burgeoning friendship!
“’Here now I name my guest, Gandalf Greyhame, wisest of counsellors, most welcome of wanderers, a lord of the Mark, a chieftain of the Eorlingas while our kin shall last; and I give to him Shadowfax, prince of horses.’” Theoden to Gandalf. (pg. 129)
Don’t know what Greyhame means. Gandalf has so many names that sometimes (*cough* all the time *cough*) I get lost. Besides that, this passage gives me chills. The whole atmosphere and tone of it. The humility between two completely different yet eerily similar people. The power in kindness.
Continuing in this same thread, “’Behold the White Rider!’ cried Aragorn, and all took up the words. ‘Our King and the White Rider!’ they shouted. ‘Forth Eorlingas!’ The trumpets sounded. The horses reared and neighed. Spear clashed on shield. Then the king raised his hand, and with a rush like the sudden onset of a great wind the last host of Rohan rode thundering into the West.” (pg. 129-30)
Internal screaming at how much this gives me chills. I cannot express enough how much I love Tolkien’s writing. Also, istg that I’m gonna end up with “Forth Eorlingas!” stuck in my head for the next millennia for how much I absolutely adore it.
Aaaaaaaand I guess that’s pretty much it for this chapter? Really honestly short post really. Definitely not long. No. Yeah. Really long post. Wow. Wasn’t expecting to write that much, but here we are! And I’m happy! Well then, all my love to Tolkien and all my love to you dear reader if you have somehow made it this far. I hope see you in the next update! Until then I must say: Forth Eorlingas!
#lordoftherings#lotr#legolas#aragorn#gimli#gandalf#books#reading#grimaworm#grima#hama#eomer#eowyn#rohan
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#JustKeepWriting 1/13/17
Not 15 minutes ago I was planning to go to sleep. Between the ping pong game the medical “professionals” are playing regarding my mother’s well being and my own matters, I have been drained and exhausted. An unrelated note, the death of diets is mothers. I haven’t given up on eating less, but today certainly took a hit.
But no, as I went into my mother’s room to say good night, she read a question of her social media site of choice-Quora, a privately run question and answer site. A single question ignited me, and now I must write on a topic I have before, and likely will again.
“What is a Mary Sue and how do I avoid writing one?”
I sucked in my breath before answering. You see, in my dozen years of dabbling in social circles based on movies, games, and shows I have encountered this term. It has been used to terrify young women who really want to write a character who happens to be extraordinary. Most often it was used to refer to fan created characters who appeared in fan fiction or role play, frequently pairing off with a pre-existing character and potentially changing the course of canon.
I mean not that that it doesn’t make complete sense that a new character of substance could change the course of a history. Because you know what? It really does.
It was usually used as a shaming technique on female writers or writers who created female characters. Often called overpowered, too perfect, too happy, and too tragic and angsty all at the same time.
Over the years, the name calling of Mary Sue has moved to canonical characters, in other words, characters in the main narrative by the same writer as everyone else who do appear in the work. A fresh example was regarding Rey, in Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens. Before that, I remember Xion who appeared in Kingdom Hearts Days. Technically there’s a number in that title, but it was confusing and false advertising so everyone calls it Days. Bella Swan from Twilight and the character that was once literally her in fanfiction, Anastasia Steele from 50 Shades of Grey have both been called it. (Yes, I read it. Will probably continue to for research to further tear it apart and write alternate reality fiction. Who knows, maybe I’ll knock off 50 to expose the dangers and conflict caused by the so called romance).
During the brief questioning regarding Rey, I wrote on my old blog comparing her to Anakin and Luke Skywalker as they appeared in the previous trilogies. Except I did it without identifying any of them until after their scores were in. My scoring methods were simple: did they follow the core components of Wikipedia’s definition, and how high did they score on the Universal Mary Sue Test.
[The mentioned Quiz is found here ]
[The full posts can be found here and here
Shockingly of the three leads, Rey scored the lowest on both counts. She was the most balanced of the characters. Anakin was inching onto the Sue scale. And Luke was no holds barred.
But you know what the funny thing I noticed in my own experiences are?
I have never once heard someone call a male character a Mary Sue. Now, there is a term for it-Gary or Marty Stu. But I have literally never heard it used.
(I mean, there are characters that are just really badly written, but this is about the Mary Sue stigma used to keep female characters demur, weak, and undeveloped.)
Now, the wikipedia intro blurb defines a Mary Sue as:
“An idealized and seemingly perfect fictional character, a young or low rank person who saves the day through unrealistic abilities. Often this character is recognized as an author insert or wish fulfillment.”
Author insert aside, because fuck you I have two characters that started that way but both of them and I have diverged and developed completely independent and because I write them well, no one could guess, and most enjoy writing against them in role play.
Idealized and seemingly perfection fictional character, often young or low rank who saves the day through unrealistic abilities.
Literally any and all Jedi could be shoved under this category.
Kingdom Hearts is literally full of lead characters and supporting cast fitting this classification-not to speak of Square Enix and Disney, the parent companies.
One could say Bella qualifies, given her unique resistance to vampire abilities, her teenage status, and how all the boys and girls lobe her.
The same cannot actually be said about her fanfiction counterpart, Ana Steele? I refuse to count 21 as young, she doesn’t save the day through unrealistic abilities, and she is not perfect.
But you know what? By that definite, Steve Rogers, aka Captain America, is a Mary Sue. He was a kid from Brooklyn, barely old enough to be drafted, if he had ever qualified. He was poor as dirt, so also of low rank. He has no real character flaws of note, Civil War not withstanding because that’s a separate issue but the narrative still displays him as in the right. And suddenly through the power of science, he becomes a super human and saves the world time and time again.
Or hey kids, how about Batman? Little Bruce Wayne is orphaned, but over the years trains and uses the family fortune profits to run the company, improve Gotham City’s socioeconomic structure, win multiple hearts and minds, and oh yeah, create an arsenal of super advanced and cool tools and weapons with a bat theme, including a car, a super computer, a suit, and a secret lab.
Oh! Aragorn! You know, the Ranger, Strider, Aka, Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, Isulder’s heir from Lord of the Rings? His mother literally died dropping him on the doorstep of the elves in Rivendell. Thus he became a human raised among them, and oh yeah, he’s a Dunedin (not sure how that’s spelled) with super ranger tracking abilities and extra long life expectancy. Not like elf long, but easily topping dwarf or Hobbit. Wins the heart of Arwen, then Eowyn, basically the only two female characters that aren’t Galadirel. Who by the way is Arwen’s aunt so that would be weird. He unites the previously warring peoples of Elves, different nations of man, and even a few hobbits and a dwarf. And I mean like literally the day before he gave King Theodan a pep talk, Rohan was of the mind Gondor could go screw themselves. And the elves had been completely indifferent. Oh, and lets not forget the special chosen prince totally not Excaliber sword he used to summon the army of ghosts that wiped out the entire force attacking Minas Tirith.
Captain Kirk. Even before the reboot, he was mister Captain Perfect Hair. He could do no wrong, and generally had a different lover interest every episode. And oh yeah, he was born in Iowa, pre reboot, a good old country boy.
Lets see, Marvel, DC, Fantasy, Scifi…
I feel like I need anime and video game examples next.
Bleach. An old favorite though some of the final arc decisions-well, let me be honest, the final pairing decisions, left me put off. Anyway. Ichigo Kurosaki is the lead character. Spoilers ahead for anyone not familiar. It turns out he’s a half Shinigami on his father’s side, half Quincy on his mother’s side, and a pinch of Hollow because house Isshin met his mother. Which means all three main races, that DO NOT GET ALONG THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE SERIES, he is part of. Even at the beginning of the show, he’s got the ability to see ghosts and spirits, and seems to be able to take on entire gangs on his own. He is a poor boy whose father runs an urgent care clinic, and is guilt stricken constantly about the death of his mother. Which later becomes a major plot point like twice over to give him angst. Once given Shinigami powers, or once his powers awaken, he is an instant bad ass, having more abundant spirit energy then anyone has ever seen. Literally every time a rule is explained in Bleach, you know its purpose is for Ichigo to break that rule. And oh yeah, with the exception of the lesbian and his sisters, literally every female character of note who encounters Ichigo has a a desire or longing for him of some form. Rangiku might be an exception, but I know Rukia, Orihime, Neliel, and Tatsuki all have a thing for him. And yes, he saves all of existence pretty regularly.
Video games are rife with examples of this blatancy. Cloud Strife comes to mind, a well known character from Final Fantasy VII. Multiple unlockable date scenes, boy from the country, tragic story. Low rank, still saves the world with the power of friendship. (TELL ME I’M WRONG). But I will also cite a much older known character.
Mario. Mario of Super Mario Brothers, Mario Party, and Mario Cart. Among many others. He is a plumber, who accidentally found up in the Mushroom Kingdom through the pipes. There he learns he can crush enemies by jumping on them, double in size if he eats the right mushroom, and develop a number of abilities such as pyrokinesis or growing a tail and being able to fly. And of course, he defeats the dragon and saves the princess. Remember: he is a plumber.
Now here’s my point. All of these characters would fulfill the qualifications of a Mary Sue. But none of them have ever been called one. Why not? I assume because they each have a penis. (Except maybe Cloud. I maintain Cloud is a gender fluid female).
There is literally an anime out about a dude who wins everything in one punch. If it was a chick I guarantee it would not have gotten past an episode.
The point I am making here is: most stories feature a hero that starts at a low point of some form, be it tragedy, rank, or age. They may develop a love interest, and eventually save the world through extraordinary means. This is actually a skeleton that can be applied to almost any movie, book, game, or show.
But that doesn’t mean they can’t be enjoyed. I encourage you to keep loving Batman and Captain America and Aragorn, and everyone else I highlighted. What I also encourage is to compare a female character if she wasn’t female to Batman, Superman, Captain America, or Aragorn. You may find Mary Sue falls apart. I know I have.
I have a friend. A chosen sister. We butt heads for a while because I got so paranoid about making overpowered characters, I didn’t like writing with them-even if they weren’t mine. I’ve now realized that’s not the point. If you write a character well, and let the reader or viewer understand that through the narrative, that’s all that matters. Male, female, power level, rank, and number of love interests just don’t matter.
Mary Sue doesn’t matter.
Perhaps I’ll bring back Mary Sue Monday...
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return of the blog, part.... uhhhh
“that’s right, I can’t even reliably count to three. or maybe I can and it’s four I can’t reliably count to?”
That aside, something horrible is about to happen.
THE SIEGE OF GONDOR
Gandalf wakes up Pippin at “the second hour,” which is either 2am or like 9am, depending on where they’re counting from. Pippin stares at his bread butter & milk breakfast miserably and says, “Why did you bring me here?”
“You know quite well,” said Gandalf. “To keep you out of mischief; and if you do not like being here, you can remember that you brought it on yourself.”
Dude. He’s a teen and he was cursed. Give him a break.
He has to go see Denethor, who treats him rather rudely and then says he’ll be the lord’s esquire for today. Does he know any songs? Well, um, not many that are fitting here... Pippin does not want to sing comic songs or lewd songs to the Steward of Gondor. I just can’t get over this teen thing, he is like a college freshman who got out for the summer after a socially productive semester and now he works for the president. It’s fucking ridiculous. Well, he goes and gets some fancy livery so he’ll look regal enough for Denethor, and it only makes him gloomier. I love all the descriptions of Merry and Pippin being gloomy about being treated like ornaments.
Near sunset he’s finally released from his service (both boring and arduous, though I’ll wager he’s been doing a lot of good eavesdropping) and goes to hang out with Beregond and bemoan the fact that Faramir isn’t here. Oh! How convenient! There’s Faramir’s company right there (what’s left of it), being attacked by Nazgul! LUCKILY Gandalf, who vanished a while ago, seems to have foreseen this; he chases them away with light magic. Pippin runs to the gates to see Faramir coming home, and immediately gets a crush on him. He’s so noble! So tired! Yet so approachable!
Denethor does not really think so. He finds the smallest crack in Faramir’s demeanor as he’s making his report, and verbally eviscerates him in front of the guests. Y’know, for letting the Ring go into Mordor, and also for being alive even though Denethor is the one who told Boromir to go questing. Denethor and Gandalf yell at each other for a while, it’s rather frightening. As Pippin and Gandalf are leaving (Faramir has gone off to get some sleep, thank goodness!) Gandalf says he is filled with foreboding that Sam and Frodo are going via Cirith Ungol. How would YOU have gone, Gandalf? Through the front door? Secret tunnel?
The next morning everyone is gloomy again. They WERE excited about Faramir coming back--the text sort of implies that everyone in the city is a little in love with him--
But now Faramir was gone again. ‘They give him no rest,’ some murmured. ‘The Lord drives his son too hard, and now he must do the duty of two, for himself and for the one that will not return.’ And ever men looked northward, asking: ‘Where are the Riders of Rohan?’
Restless, restless, restless. Electric air. That Good Stuff. Faramir has been sent to Osgiliath to strengthen the garrison:
‘Then farewell!’ said Faramir. ‘But if I should return, think better of me!’
‘That depends on the manner of your return,’ said Denethor.
Ouch. Why do I get the feeling that Denethor will only think better of him if he returns in a coffin? As Faramir leaves, Gandalf tells him that his father loves him. Umm okay but how does that mitigate his awful treatment of Faramir. Doesn’t that make it worse? Right now I’m thinking about how Faramir is probably going to have to fight the Witch King since he’s leading the attack on Osgiliath, and thinking about how Eowyn is the one who kills him, and just being really excited for them to meet. Weary guy who hates to fight but must; frustrated enby who is chomping at the bit to murder some dudes. Honestly doesn’t that describe ALL the best Tolkien ships. Sometimes he does ladies right and it’s so #aesthetic. Wait I think the aesthetic I’m describing is just classic Jewish gender roles. Gentle studious men and women alight with the fire of direct action. I’m gay for both of these genders.
Anyway the next day the Black Host or whatever comes through the wall of the Pelennor Fields, despite the fact that Faramir is still doing his best to hold the rearguard off in Osgiliath. Including, yep, the Witch King. Actually they never refer to him as the Witch King in these books and I’m not sure where I heard it, but it’s an amazing title. Anyway mounted sorties start going out into Pelennor, with Gandalf at Prince Whoever of Amroth at their head. Denethor at least doesn’t let them overextend themselves; he calls them in very promptly so they won’t get trapped or too tired. I get the impression that for quick strikes they have the advantage because all of Sauron’s people are on foot. Oh, except a full third of them died anyway, because Sauron’s forces MASSIVELY outnumber them. Faramir has come back dead or wounded, and EVERYONE is crying. They bring him back to Denethor, who goes up into his tower and people see a strange flashing light and he comes down even more dead-looking than his dead son. I am beginning to suspect that the reason the text has alluded so many times to how far-sighted and well-informed Denethor is, is that he has a palantir. And this is some kind of secret, maybe?
The very last companies who can make it come back in through the gates, and they report that there is no way the Rohirrim can possibly make it in to help them now. The enemy is throwing fire over the walls. They’re throwing severed heads over the walls. Nazgul are circling. Denethor is weeping by Faramir’s body. Gandalf and the prince of Amroth have taken command of the city. There’s an aside here with Gondorians whispering about how elvish the people of Dol Amroth are--the people of Nimrodel. I’m glad there’s at least one version of the story where they found each other again and settled down, even if “the coast” probably wasn’t the land Nimrodel dreamed of that had never heard of war.
Hey, let’s check in on Denethor! Oh, uh, the palantir broke his will and he’s planning to set himself on fire in his despair. That’s cool I guess. Pippin goes to fetch Gandalf, as if he couldn’t possibly have anything more important to do than save one rude old man’s life. Or no, Pippin suspects he is going to kill Faramir as well. He passes Beregond and tells him to stop anything awful from happening.
OMG SORRY I FORGOT EVERYTHING I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PAYING ATTENTION TO BECAUSE WE HAVE FINALLY CONFIRMED THAT THE BATTERING RAM GROND IS INDEED NAMED FOR MORGOTH’S HAMMER. I CAN STOP READING NOW THIS IS ALL I WANTED TO KNOW.
No no jk I will keep reading. I’m extremely pleased though. I have “Grond! Grond! Grond!” echoing in my head nonstop some days. Um anyway the Witch King is there, casting an evil spell to help Grond along, and on the third go it BURSTS the gates open!
‘You cannot enter here,’ said Gandalf, and the huge shadow halted. ‘Go back to the abyss prepared for you! Go back! Fall into the nothingness that awaits you and your Master. Go!’
The Black Rider flung back his hood, and behold! he had a kingly crown; and yet upon no head visible was it set.
Fuck yes.
Somewhere in the city, a cock crows, because having half of Gondor on fire in no way disrupted this chicken’s daily routine. Dawn. And with it, the horns of Rohan.
THE RIDE OF THE ROHIRRIM
The beginning of this chapter has a lot of fun sense description, since Merry is lying awake in complete darkness listening to the distant sounds of the Enemy’s hosts. Smelling the horses. All that. He thinks about how weird it is that everyone is just ignoring him because they know he’s not supposed to be here; Dernhelm seems to have some kind of “understanding” with Elfhelm, the marshal of their company. Sorry. Elfhelm? Elf? Helm? Is that a guy’s actual name? Elfhelm trips over Merry in the dark, and Merry asks What Is Up. As it turns out what is up is Woses, and what will soon be up is all the Rohirrim. I was gonna explain what Woses are but I think it’s way funnier if I don’t.
A Wose has come to offer help to Theoden, since he hates orcs as much as the next guy. Woses, he says, have “long ears and long eyes,” which isn’t especially relevant as far as I can tell but it’s delightful. The leader of the Woses, Ghan-buri-Ghan, knows a secret road! All he wants as a reward is... for the Rohirrim to stop hunting his people like beasts. What the fuck. I can’t believe Ghan-buri-Ghan actually prefers the Rohirrim to orcs. They go through the forest, and it takes all day, but the next morning before dawn they are ready to go do murders. Merry is upset again because he’s actually zero good at fighting and is just going to get himself and others killed.
The king sat upon Snowmane, motionless, gazing upon the agony of Minas Tirith, as if stricken suddenly by anguish, or by dread. He seemed to shrink down, cowed by age. Merry himself felt as if a great weight of horror and doubt had settled on him. His heart beat slowly. Time seemed poised in uncertainty. They were too late! Too late was worse than never! Perhaps Théoden would quail, bow his old head, turn, slink away to hide in the hills.
Then suddenly Merry felt it at last, beyond doubt: a change. Wind was in his face! Light was glimmering. Far, far away, in the South the clouds could be dimly seen as remote grey shapes, rolling up, drifting: morning lay beyond them.
Nice nice nice nice nice that’s some top notch metaphor. Tolkien is sooo good at environmental metaphors and foreshadowing. IDK there’s just something about the way the whole world seems to get in on the narrative, it’s really good. Spear shall be shaken, shield be splintered; a sword-day, a red day, ere the sun rises! Theoden grabs a horn from someone and blows on it so hard it EXPLODES. AND THEY’RE OFF!! Join us next time for
THE BATTLE OF THE PELENNOR FIELDS
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