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#and bad anxiety feeling about doing my responsibilities and actually figuring out when to go on a date with my bf
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shotgunning a tube of strawberry mentos right now
#disco speaks!#if you even care#i forgot how much of a problem I have with these#THEY HAVE A GOOD CRUNCH AND A GOOD CHEW OKAY LEAVE ME ALONE#i also took both of my medications for the first time in a while (I have to make an appt before my Dr will refill it (eye roll))#and spent two or three hours on tiktok learning about marine animals so my attention span is both very short and needs to be entertained#like a toddler who is teething except the mentos are my teething rings and I’m down to three left and I show no sign of stopping#which is a bit concerning considering there has to be like 12 or 15 a pack and so it’s been less than ten minutes#since I started consuming them. can’t go outside cause it’s cold as fuck and snowy and bad water texture bleghh#and bad anxiety feeling about doing my responsibilities and actually figuring out when to go on a date with my bf#we are now down to two strawberry mentos I repeat we are down to two strawberry mentos this is not a joke#awww my dog looks so baby right now#so anyway I think that my adhd medicine is making me focus but since I immediately started focusing on something that shortens my attention#span then I am mimicking that and I haven’t eaten anything today besides candy because I don’t want to make things because textures#and temperatures UGHHH#and I don’t want to put on gaming streams like usual because then I will not do anything else#and like I want to work on my nutcracker au piece but UGHH art school has made me so used to traditional art that#now digital art feels wrong and bad textures and it’s not the same and art feels bad but I like art??? i don’t know I don’t know#i need to chaos or like general stimulation but then I get too overstimulated and overwhelmed#i might need an anxiety medication cause uhhh well fuck my dudes I have both adhd and anxiety and it’s fucking me up a bit
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yan-lorkai · 7 months
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Hii, Lorks ~
Had see that your writing for my favorie earl now, have any hcs for older sibling reader and young brother Ciel? Sorry about bad english, is not my first language
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.⁠。⁠*⁠♡ A/N: Been busy with uni stuff but nothing couldn't stop me from writing this now that inspiration strikes me and since we're having a new season I began to reread the manga these past few days and wow, I still love this lil dude. Look at his smiled he knows he's adorable. The Green Witch arc remains my favorite <3
.⁠。⁠*⁠♡ Warning: Yandere content, platonic yandere, protectiveness.
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.⁠。⁠*⁠♡ You were a few years older than the twins, but you were very close to them as well as being a constant figure for them as they grew up. You were what they would describe as the best sibling in the world, even though you liked to make fun of them and make jokes that embarrassed them in front of people, like any good old sibling would do.
.⁠。⁠*⁠♡ When you had free time, you enjoyed teaching them chess and other logic games, loving the way the expressions on their faces were confusing whenever you used a different strategy. These were simple times when the whole family would get together to watch you play while everyone chatted. Times that were lost after the attack, all the joy, all the warmth, that mixed with the sad blue of the wallpaper until it turned the entire mansion into something cold.
.⁠。⁠*⁠♡ Ciel came back, lost, deeply hurt, and you were the only person he told what happened. The whole kidnapping and the cult, and it broke your heart, your brilliant little brother was an unresponsive blank as he recounted the facts, as if he didn't want to realize the impact that that event had on him. As if he was still on autopilot and couldn't let his guard down. And things were worse now that he had lost his twin brother, who he was as attached to as you were.
.⁠。⁠*⁠♡ But you were there to support him every step of the way, holding his hand after a nightmare, wiping the rare tears from his eyes, listening to everything he had to say. Ciel's stubborn and prideful, he never asks for help but he has this serene smile on his face when you go out of your way to help him anyway. You knew he was strong for withstanding all the pressure, for enduring everything he went through and for having the strength necessary to overcome everything, and you reminded him of that in each of his "weak moments". It reminded him that he was loved and that you would always be by his side.
.⁠。⁠*⁠♡ He's still twelve, he's still a child, and you're always telling him stories to sleep and taking him out to take his mind off his trauma. Sometimes you just sit next to him and listen to him express his thoughts.
.⁠。⁠*⁠♡ Ciel can be a little overprotective sometimes, which is funny considering you should be the overprotective one due to the age difference. He always sends Sebastian with you on your errands, to protect you from some attack or someone. And you don't complain, his intentions are good and you can understand the anxiety he feels upon knowing that those responsible for the attack are free and alive.
.⁠。⁠*⁠♡ Being a few years older, you know a lot about balls, about every important person and how to negotiate with them. And you teach each of these things to Ciel when he decides to claim the title of Queen's Watchdog, giving advice and sharing your opinion whenever he asks you, being by his side as his left hand.
.⁠。⁠*⁠♡ And being his left hand means that you and Sebastian interact on a daily basis, protecting Ciel, going on missions together, collecting information and the such.
.⁠。⁠*⁠♡ In private, when your masks can finally fall, you call him by his real name, hug him lightly and let him know that no matter what, you'll be there for him. Always.
.⁠。⁠*⁠♡ Ciel actually told you everything, everything except that he made a contract with a demon. He hopes you can forgive him when the contract is completed, when he and his soul disappear from this world, without any chance of seeing you one last time in the so-called paradise.
.⁠。⁠*⁠♡ Even after your death, Ciel might remember the loving way you sat in the chair next to his bed when he was sick and took care of him. He will remember the silly promises you made, the bad jokes you told him to make him laugh until his stomach hurt, the little adventures to steal cookies on Christmas morning. Things too precious for him.
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tiyoin · 1 month
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Now I'm thinking about twisted anxiety reader being able to sing really well. I feel like there could be some very interesting/funny moments (4 us not reader).
Reader probably only sings in a reclusive area like a forest around the dorm
I wanna say that the forest already has haunting rumors about it ,and when someone (jade or rook) hears reader singing they think that the "ghost" is up and active again. So students start doing a "test of courage" type thing.
I put Jade or Rook being the one to hear reader cuz they're really the only ones that would really be in that area without a reason.
I also know they're intelligent enough to know it's not a ghost ,but start the rumor anyways cuz they want to know who's singing. And it becomes this big thing the school trying to figure out.
Cut to reader losing her mind cuz she like "wow, I didn't know people thought it was that bad. How am I supposed to live, laugh, love ever again??"
When in reality they were just memorized by reader's singing. And they really want to find out who it is.
Bonus points if they film it and sent it to the group chat you posted about earlier. And reader just has to be like 🧍‍♀️ "whattt???? No way!! 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ a random voice in the woods 😱😱"
I'm sorry for sending 2 long asks back 2 back ,but twisted anxiety just gets my head going.
Also if you don't like being sent stuff like this just tell me and I won't send any more. I don't want to over step at all. These are just like head cannons I give to reader ,cuz I just love making things worse for her. Can't let her know what peace is
YOU
hOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN MY HEAD 🫵
i’m going to give you the fattest smooch alive you don’t understand. AND I LOVE IT WHEN I GET LONG ASKS!!! so please! ask away i don’t mind, i actually get really flattered that people want to share with me their long, detailed thoughts !! i was actually nervous people wouldn’t like my long responses 😖
no cause that’s ALWAYS one troupe i ALWAYS go back to.
i was thinking about making them a singer, REALLY I WAS- but i had second thoughts cause i thought people wouldn’t like it / maybe people would think its too… y-nie or im trying to make twisted anxiety reader too much, ya know
BUT OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU MEAH MWAH (also dw i got your other ask and fully plan on answering it, this one was just at the top of my inbox 🫶🫶)
but oh my god,,,, HEAR ME OUT;
twisted anxiety reader getting pent up because they. have. no. outlet.
none.
maybe they played a sport in their old world, but no longer can’t because seriously?? going up against beastmen, mermen, fae and just,,, men?! absolutely not.
they can’t do anything fun in ramshackle because of the ghosts can and will find a way to stick their noses into your business. also hello??? no privacy at ramshackle👎👎
honestly, twisted anxiety reader doesn’t have any friends so they can’t blow off steam that way either. and going to the gym is out of the question because 1. anxiety 2.gym bros- and working out at home is… different.
so there has to be a way to let off steam… good thing twisted anxiety reader dilly dallied in everything!!
they want to sing but aren’t confident enough to join the pop music club, and the walls to ramshackle are paper thin.
there’s absolutely no where you can go.
and yet… every time you glance at the forest. you can’t help but wonder…🤔
AND IVE ALWAYS IMAGINED READER SINGING
“everything stays” from adventure time
“love all mine” by mitski
“rises the moon” by liana flores
“sky fall” by adele
“memory” from cats
“listen” by beyoncé
“hopelessly devoted” by olivia newton-john
oh my god i have to make a separate post for this before i completely rot and accidentally write a whole chapter because i’ve been WAITING to write about this and i’d feel bad about making this SUPER LONG
but i can’t imagine rook going for a sunset “hike” (…sure, let’s go with that) and hearing you. belting your little heart to “hopelessly devoted” HAGFJAIWOFOSOWOFOAPEIFOZOQFOXOD
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ROOK IS AWE STRUCK
such passion! such devotion! how marvelously beautiful! rook is stunned.
of course after you finish singing he can hear you moan and groan about trivial things but- rook hunt was not a hunt if he didn’t appreciate the gift the forest provided.
and yet, the carful hunter made a careless mistake. cursing silently, he glared at the twig his boots stepped on before he snapped his head up to the clearing up ahead.
ah, you fled.
to say rook was… upset was an understatement. yes he was able to marvel in your voice, but he lost the privilege to listen to more, to observe from afar.
the strange songs you sang and possibly wrote (what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him) are gone with the wind and the high step of your foot as you vanished into thin air.
rook could easily hunt you down, but he stopped himself after a slight muscle twitch. non non! he was the enjoyer of beauty! not the hunter! yes he hunted beauty but it would go against his very being to trap it instead of let it fly free and continue its song.
so let this be your little secret, okay.
jade would def walk into you singing ‘everything stays’
OR OR ROOK N JADE BOTH TAG TEAMING READER IN THE CHAT SAYING HOW THEY WISH TO MEET THIS BEAUTIFUL VOICED GOREST ‘NYMPH’ SO THEY CAN HEAR MORE OF THEIR SONGS
readers just like;
😟
“time to find a new location☝️”
*there’s no where those two won’t be able to find you fyi*
TWISTED ANXIETY READER WILL NEVER KNOW PEACE‼️‼️ NOT AS LONG AS IM HERE‼️‼️
please send more headcanons i love reading them 🙇🏻🙇🏻
babes this is me n u rn:
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lust444men · 4 months
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HIII i actually have a request if u do genderfluid readers 😋😋 if u do could you do something with the reader not being out yet so when they stare at a dude hobie kinda assumes the worse ?? then they gotta explain they wanna BE him not WITH him yk
bonus if reader is constantly presenting very fem so its a bit of a surprise idk thank u 🤞🤞🤞
hii angel! of course I can do that, I hope this does my genderfluid babes justice <3 afab!genderfluid!reader x unlabed hobie?? he fws what he fws, anxiety on hobs part, gender envy on yours, albeit bad descriptors of being genderfluid? I'm trying. he thinks you're cheating/losing interest, british grammar???
You're out on a walk with Hobie, him wanting to take you to his favourite punk shops - buying you whatever you liked from in there cause he's just happy you're liking his style. You're all skirts and blouses - but you don't always want to be that. Sometimes you like it, sometimes it makes you want to crawl out of your own skin because you want to be more masculine that day, week, however long, but you're limited. Baggy clothes just won't cut it anymore.
So, whilst you were sat on a bench, enjoying your food with Hobie and you saw a boy walk past who is just radiating gender envy into you, your eyes stayed glued to him. They way his clothes can be stuck to him with no chest in the way, his hair short but fluffy, his rings decorating his slender, short nailed fingers, Hobie notices. He noticed your lack of response to what he had said before, he looked at you. Then looked where you were looking, his brows pinching together. He then watched you stare at this guy with so much intensity, it's as if he wasn't here at all.
"Wha' Ya know 'im?" He asked, still staring at you and your body language, a familiar unease bubbling in his stomach from the last experiences he's had with unfaithful girlfriends.
"Huh? Oh..no, no I don't." You said, finally taking your eyes off him and making eye contact with your now unhappy, nervous boyfriend.
"Oh? Why you starin' like tha', then?" He grabbed the drink out you lap, taking a long sip of it whilst staring at you over the bottle. His throat feels dry. Is the bottle shaking? Why are his hands shaking?
"I liked..his tee shirt. It had a cool band on it." You lied through your teeth, and Hobie could tell. He slightly shifted in his seat, deciding to leave this little problem for when you were back at his flat.
"Aight.." He shrugged, putting all your stuff into a bag. "C'mon, les do the res' of the shops before they close." He mumbled as he stood up, and you were expecting him to take your hand, but he didn't, now giving you the uneasy feel of dread in the bottom of your stomach. What had you done? The rest of the walk around was mainly quiet, Hobie only making a few comments here and there, but he never actually spoke first. He was just replying to you. You walked back to his flat in the quiet, your hands in the pocket of his jacket he let you wear once it got cold. He's upset but you're still his girl. Are you his girl?
You furrowed your brows, trying to figure out where you went wrong this afternoon. You guys were having such a good time, 'why did he go quiet? Did he want the last cookie you took? No, he wouldn't get upset over something as silly as that. Did he not like the drink you chose? He drank it, it couldn't of been that bad. Why did he start asking about that guy that walke pas- oh fuck. He thinks I was checking him out. Fuck, fuck! how could you be so stupid? He sees his girlfriend starin' at a guy of course he's gonna assume that! How do I tell him I want to be him? Not be with him?'
You enter the flat behind him, shutting the door quietly behind you and taking off your shoes. You watch him wall over to his sofa, sitting himself down with a sigh before looking over to watch you. Seeing the worry and guilt etched onto your face, he spoke up.
"Ya' aight, doll?" He asked, almost in a whisper, not really wanting you to reply.
"We needa talk." You said, walking over towards him. He felt his heart drop, feeling like all his fears were coming true in one afternoon. He crossed his arms defensively over his chest, giving a small nod.
"Go on." He glanced off to the side.
"That guy today? I wasn't...I didn't check him out." You said, sitting in the armchair just opposite him, fiddling with your rings.
"Wha' was tha', then? Hm? 'Cause it certainly looked like you was checkin' 'im out." He said almost roughly, the tone making you wince. He's getting defensive, that's understandable.
"No, love - I wasn't. I..fuck. This is going to sound insane, and you're probably gonna feel differently once I say it but I have to say it, I do, i-"
"So say i'." He interrupted you, narrowing his eyes slightly, frowning.
"I...I didn't want to be with him- I just...I wanted to..be him." You admitted quietly, looking down at your hands. He paused, his frown growing but now in confusion. What?
"You...wanna be a boy?" He asked slowly and carefully.
"No- well, yeah. But only sometimes. I feel more masculine than I do feminine some days, but I've been unable to express that. So what you were seeing wasn't attraction, it was envy. Envy that he could look so boyish without even trying, just putting on clothes, not trying to be masculine." You huffed, your voice slightly saddened. Hobie was probably gonna feel completely different about you now.but it's better than him thinking you were going to cheat someday.
He stayed eerily quiet, staring at you. Studying you. Was that true? he couldn't tell. He's leaning more towards yes, though. Nobody would be this worried about this eccentric of a lie.
"Aight..'ow long 'ave you felt this way?" He carefully asked, sitting more upright.
"Since I was a kid, really. I only just realised recently what it was, though. My "tomboy" phase. When I started developing 'n' my clothes got baggier as my chest got bigger, but then I'd wear low cut things, I-..I'm sorry you only just found out - that I only just told you. I didn't know how to approach it, y'know? It's not an easy subject to come by. Hey it's your girlfriend, I sometimes don't wanna be your girlfriend cause I wanna be your boyfr-" He cut your rambling off by pressing a sweet kiss to your lips, his hand on your cheek. He brushed your hair behind your ear, pulling away from they kiss.
"Ay, listen. Tha's fine. I don' see ya any differently. Ya still the love of my life, yeah? Don' worry 'bout it, luv.If you wan', ya can have a bunch of my old clothes, for when ya feel like a lad. Can help you make fits." He comforted you, bringing you closer to him.
"Jus' tell me when ya' start feelin' like tha', yeah? I wouldn't wanna do sum' that makes my love uncomfortable." He said to you, kissing your cheek softly, then your temple, then your forehead. You smile, feeling like you could just cry from how accepting he was of that, of you.
"You'd really do that for me?" You mumbled, making him nod instantly.
"Of course, baby."
"And you don't feel any differently towards me?"
"No' in the sligh'est."
"You still love me?"
"I love you even more each second. Tha' ain't gon' change. I fell in love wit' ya, darlin'. Ain't gonna care 'bout you wantin' to be like that sometimes. Jus' means you can be like me." He smiled, kissing all over your face in-between his words, really wanting you to know he means that. You couldn't help it, a stray tear rolled down your cheek. And he wiped it away immediately.
"Nah, don' cry, my love. 'Cause then you're gon' make me cry." He mumbled, his hand sliding through your hair and to the back of your head, bringing you closer and kissing you again, sweetly and softly. You returned the kiss, of course. He gave you a few more quick kisses, before pulling away, his hand staying put.
"You wan' go pick sum aftershave ou' from my collection?" He offered.
.•°.•.°.•.°•.°.•.°.•.°.•°.•°.•.°.•.°•.°.•.°.•.°.•°.•°.•.°.•.°•.
I really hope I did the genderfluid community justice with this one! I'm so sorry if I didn't get something right about it, I did look some stuff up, but still <3 thank you so much for such a cute request, and if it was up to your standards and you wanna request again, feel free! <3
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sunsetzer · 5 months
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Assorted FFVI headcanons because these blorbos live in my head rent free: Edgar edition
- He became king at 17 and had to keep up an alliance with the people who killed his father alone for ten years, this man absolutely has anxiety
- Is used to suppressing said anxiety because he has to be dependable
- Definitely had a breakdown at some point in front of his friends and felt mortified; his friends don't judge him for it
- Workaholic- buries himself in his duties so he doesn't have to think about his feelings
- Tinkering as a means of comforting himself
- Actually quite the artist, especially sketching plans for machines, totally has a little notebook somewhere with rough sketches of various things and people he's encountered, Relm finds it at some point
- Doesn't hate kids but really also has no idea what to do with them if he's asked to watch them, will agree anyway (especially if it's for Terra)
- Always forgets to drink enough water
- Used to both hot and cold weather since he lives in a desert
- Outfit covers his whole body to protect from the sun but is very breathable so he's not overheating
- More of a survivalist than you'd expect him to be, especially knows a lot about the desert
- Can MacGyver the most seemingly unrelated useless objects into something useful
- The constant skirt chasing and flirting is intentionally exaggerated and he is not actually Like That to the level it seems
- Very bisexual, definitely has/had a thing with Locke or Setzer or both and also has a thing for Terra (good thing he's got two hands!)
- 100% would be down for polygamy
- Blonde hair is weird for a desert dwelling people with darker skin (related: I just cannot picture the figabros as white, they would burn so bad in the desert) but it's a Figaro royal family thing and of course Edgar is proud of it and vehemently refuses to cut it at all, impracticality be damned
- Uses some kind of special conditioner so even though the desert is hot and dry, his hair is very soft and shiny
- Figaro's native dishes can be notoriously spicy so the twins have a high spice tolerance
- Edgar absolutely deliberately chooses the spiciest dishes his country has to offer when entertaining fellow politicians he does not like, and his guests can't really complain because spices are one of those things that mean status and whatnot, so refusing a spicy meal is like slapping Edgar in the face, so he's just sitting there having a nice time and the other guy is internally on fire (yes he did do this to Gestahl and Kefka, the latter of which barely had a reaction to the pain and deeply unsettled him)
- Zero patience for nobility who look down on common folks
- Visits South Figaro incognito to check on his people, some of them have figured out it's him but they keep quiet about it
- Had the death penalty abolished in Figaro very early on in his reign
- Was personally responsible for the invention of air conditioning
- Gets adorably excited when talking about machines, will completely forget that not everyone understands technical jargon
- Very sentimental, has a collection of mementos from his travels, definitely still has the Gerad getup
- Will never admit it out loud but at least one of his friends has figured out that he can be calmed by stroking his hair, like a cat (it was probably Locke, they've known each other the longest, he definitely tells the rest of them because it's adorable and silly, yes Sabin was already aware of this)
- If he had a choice he'd be living in a little workshop building and repairing things for people instead of running a country
- A little bit vain but not obnoxious about it, mostly because he's supposed to keep up a certain image as the king
- Actually enjoyed being Gerad and not having to be proper all the time
- Is not stuck in Figaro all alone after the game because I refuse to believe they'd all just go back to doing their own things, instead his friends show up to pull him away from working himself to death and help take some of the burden off of his shoulders
EDIT: Can't believe I forgot my own headcanon I've already posted about but: migraines
Can you tell I think a lot about Figaro and the twins, because I think A Lot about them, I think the desert kingdom is very neat and desperately want to see it rendered in modern CG (I can't help imagining it would be like the desert region in ff16 every time the plot sends me there; please square I beg of you)
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seresinhangmanjake · 1 year
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Signed Away: Part 14
Jake “Hangman” Seresin x Fem!Reader Series
Summary: You find out about the contractual marriage your parents arranged with Jake’s when you were a baby. You’re plently angered by it, but Jake doesn’t seem too bothered. He might even be happy.
Notes/Warnings: Smut 18+, cursing, fluff, angst, contract marriage, loss of rights, feelings of being trapped, poor parent/child relationships, typos for sure.
As always, comments can make my bad days worth getting through, so i’ll never not appreciate them. Reblogs and likes make me smile uncontrollably, but no pressure :)
Masterlist
Words: 2353
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Jake stood with his hands braced against the countertop, his tense shoulders raised high to his neck, and his head tilted down as if the weight of the last couple weeks was taking its toll. He'd grown exhausted. His protectiveness had kicked into overdrive, and he hadn't taken a moment to breathe, as if too afraid it could distract him from the threat of your mother. You'd tried to convince him to relax, but you couldn't quite succeed when you yourself were struggling to do the same.   
"Why do you want to talk to her about it?" He asked. His tone was dark, deep, and yet the wobble of anxiety still wove clearly throughout his words. 
You sighed. "Jake…"
"I don't like the idea of you dealing with her," he said, his eyes flicking up to meet yours. "Who cares if you're broke? I sure as hell don't. Do you care if you're broke?"
He was rambling, the words coming out as fast as his lips could move to make them. The more the two of you had thought about it, the more the revelation made sense, but something in you still wanted proof. You wanted to hear it from your mother's mouth and have her fully admit to trying to ruin you. But Jake didn't want you going near her. He didn't see the point. To him, it was exposing yourself to the beast that had been stalking you from afar, just waiting for the perfect time to pounce. It defied logic.
"No."
"See?" His knitted brows eased. "So that part doesn't matter. If she hired Jason to come between us so that we don't have children all because your family is broke, then she already failed, right? I mean, you're not planning to break my heart by sleeping with your ex, are you?"
"No."
The hand he had raised in your direction smacked back down on the counter. "Exactly! Thank you; I appreciate that. So, what's the point in stirring stuff up with her?" He rounded the counter, approaching you with a restrained speed and resting his hands on your upper arms. "Sweetheart, we are getting married in 8 days. She doesn't matter anymore. We're going to be fine---assuming you actually want to marry me now?"
You chuckled and nodded and his grin spread wide, splitting his face in two. Rough palms cupped your cheeks, thumbs stroking along your cheekbones. He leaned down to give you a soft kiss then rested his forehead against yours.
"Let's just be happy," he whispered, but the plea within his tone was hard to ignore. "We do what we want when we want, and fuck everything else."
With a snort, you said, "There's a piece of paper that says we can't do that."
"There's a piece of paper that says we have to be responsible for an inheritance, but other than that and the marriage, no one gets to make our choices for us." He gave you another quick peck. "Not your parents; not mine."
"Do you honestly believe she's done—that she'll just leave us alone?"
"What else could she do to us that would fix her situation?" 
You didn't want to tell him again that your mother was quicker than he understood, even though he'd faced her head on once before. If you thought you knew what she was thinking, you were dead wrong, and she'd be a full step ahead, waiting to shock you with something you couldn't see coming from ten miles away. And you weren't sure how to fight what you couldn’t see. It left you feeling like a small child swinging her sword around in an attempt to spear an invisible figure—defeated before you even had a chance.
—---
You pulled your car into the parking lot of the diner, turned off the ignition, and stared through the glass window of the worn building where Phoenix sat sipping her coffee. As she smiled at the waitress, you took a few deep breaths, strengthening yourself for a conversation you weren't sure you wanted to have. The pilot was your friend, but you were about to ask for advice, and you could count on one hand the number of times you'd done so before—less, the number of times anyone’s offered advice benefitted you. But you trusted Phoenix. 
"She's your mother. Not his," she said, taking another sip of coffee. The elderly waitress placed a plate of eggs in front of you and you thanked her, giving a slight nod along with the upturn of your lips. "I mean, of course he doesn't want you going to deal with her. Neither do I. I've never met her, and I despise the woman. But no one can stop you from going to talk to her about this if that's what you feel you need."
It sounded so simple coming from her mouth. Simple in a way you couldn't accept. The way Jake looked at you when you mentioned the idea of approaching your mother—the absolute desperation in his eyes for you to forget the idea altogether—was too heavy to answer with such a simplistic response. It felt like disregarding his feelings; ignoring his fears. "He's panicking over it."
"Well, would you want him to walk into a lion's den?" Phoenix quirked a brow. "Can I ask you why you want to talk to her at all?"
"Something just feels…off," you said, shaking your head. "If we're right, and my family doesn't have money outside of the company, then I can't imagine my mother letting it all go just because Jake told her to leave us alone. It's not in her nature."
She paused, watching you carefully, searching for the right words. Knowing her, you could likely guess her final thought on the matter. Whatever she was about to tell you was what she would do if faced with the same situation. But you weren't Phoenix, and you worried your solutions to problems were not the same as hers. "Look, if this is keeping you awake at night, then you should get the information you want, whether Jake agrees or not," she said. "I mean, he won't like it, obviously. His top priorities are marrying you and keeping you safe, and anything that would threaten those things he wants as far from you as possible, but if you'd feel better knowing, then do what you need to do."
The thought of it hit the pit of your stomach the wrong way—how a lie does after you've told one to someone you love. They taste wrong in your mouth and settle uncomfortably in your gut. Phoenix wasn’t suggesting dishonestly, but that’s exactly the choice you would be facing—and neither had a comfortable outcome. Confronting your mother knowing how Jake felt seemed wrong, but doing it behind his back would cross a line. And you couldn't have that. You refused to make that mistake. The two of you were done with secrets.
"I'll think about it," you said.
—---
His thrusts were slow, gentle, with his weight above you and lips kissing and sucking on your neck. A groan rumbled from his chest when your nails began to scrape their way up his sides, leaving thin red lines in their wake. His favorite temporary tattoos, he’d once told you, and from that moment on, you’d made sure to mark him up exactly how you liked. 
"I can't wait until you're my wife," he breathed into your skin. Your whole body was hot, flushed from the thickness of the air, but his breath was hotter—burning, branding you with his confession. 
He suddenly pulled out of you, and you didn't have time to react to the confusion of it before you were flipped onto your side so Jake could settle behind you. His arm wrapped around your front, hand sliding up your torso to your breast and lightly squeezing the flesh as his cock spread you open again. The slap of skin against skin filled the room, echoing in your foggy brain and making you purr delightfully in his embrace. You loved that sound. You loved that brief moment of him shoving himself deep inside you just to pull out and repeat the movement, rewarding you with the noises of your combined pleasure. 
"I'm never gonna get tired of this," he growled, and you clenched around him involuntarily. His pace stuttered as his breath caught in his throat. "Fuck, baby." He dotted kisses over your shoulder and neck. His nose nudged your cheek. "I want you to cum."
"Ja–"
"Please, sweetheart. Just one more. I know you can handle it."
You were so weak for him. Whenever he begged, you lost absolute control of every bit of your body. It was so easy to surrender yourself—to let go—just from his needy coaxing. 
The drag of his cock along your walls, the tip hitting just the right spot in time with his deep grunts, pulled from your lips a chorus of moans and whimpers and curses. You reached one hand behind your head, weaving your fingers into his hair, and the other gripped the disheveled sheet underneath you in a sad attempt to find something to stabilize your body as he pounded into you. 
“Fuck, Jake.”
His fingers moved to your clit and rubbed in little circles that sent sharp jolts of pleasure throughout your body. His movements were intoxicating. Fingertips playing with you. Hips slamming against your ass. You no longer knew up from down, left from right. He made you beautifully dizzy, practically seeing stars as the tightness in your body finally released all at once. Your walls fluttered around him, squeezing, milking and greedy for what he had to give. You allowed the feeling to consume you and fade before opening your eyes. His own were slammed shut, his lips parted for shallow exhales.
“Jake…” you whispered. His eyelids unsealed and he looked down at you. Green irises were nearly swallowed whole by blown pupils. He was gone—so far gone—and you wanted him to come back to you. “Kiss me,” you said, tipping your head back further so your mouths could meet. He kissed you sweetly. There was a neediness there, but no desire to rush tasting one another. It was soft, delicate, in direct contrast to the pace of his thrusts. He kissed you until he couldn’t breathe and had to break the connection. “Now come for me.”
Blond eyebrows knitted. HIs jawline sharpened from his clenched teeth. Your name and a curse blended into a new word as his whole body stalled, fingernails digging into your flesh while ropes of his cum filled you. His hips jutted twice more, then he began to pull out, making your abused hole sting the slightest in protest. When he rose to get a towel to clean you up you latched onto his hand and pulled him back down. 
“Not now,” you said, turning over to face him.
Snickering, he kissed your hairline and whispered, “Ok, beautiful.”
You laid wrapped together—for how long, you didn’t know—but the sunlit glow that painted your room had begun to fade by the time either of you cared to break the blissful silence. 
"Stay."
"Sweetheart, you have no idea how badly I want to," he replied quickly, as if the same thought had been dancing around his mind. "But I made a pact with Coyote, Bob, and Rooster."
"When you were seventeen."
"It's a very serious pact, sweetheart,” he chuckled, brushing stray strands of hair from your face. “We have to spend our last night as single men together. We shook on it."
You hummed in consideration. "Well, it's good to know you're loyal,” you said, and were instantly rewarded with his bright grin. 
"You, more than anyone, will always be sure of that."
—---
“I’ll see you tomorrow, sweetheart," Jake whispered against your lips after brushing Rooster and Coyote's tugging hands off his arms so he could give you another kiss goodbye. 
Every time his lips met yours, the world around you fell apart. It melted away while you and Jake stood safe and sound in your own little bubble. You liked your bubble. You could've stayed there for ages had Rooster not interrupted you with his chuckles before pulling Jake from your arms. 
"You've got the rest of your lives, lovebirds," the brunet said. They each wished you a good night and then they left, the door slamming behind them. 
With him gone, you itched for Phoenix to arrive sooner. You needed the distraction to tame your nerves. As much as you would have liked to find the night calming, there was too much on your mind. The fact that you never confronted your mother was a dark ugly cloud above your head, but you couldn't help caving for Jake. In your own worry, you hadn't thought much about what he was going through since learning of the children clause of the contract—how stressful it could be having your potential child already unwanted by one of their grandmothers, a woman with no boundaries; a woman who would hurt her own child without hesitation. Though he never spoke it aloud, you felt like a fool for not factoring that into his panic, and when it all hit you, it confirmed that you couldn't go behind his back. You made that sacrifice for him, and you would just have to sit and pray the threat that was your mother wouldn't come after you again. 
The knocking snapped you from your thoughts, and you yanked your jagged fingernail out from between your teeth. Your knee ceased its bouncing and you quickly stood, rushing down the hall. Phoenix had perfect timing. Another few minutes and your anxiety might have begun to wrap its spindly fingers around your neck. But when you opened the door, the hair on your arms immediately stood on end. Your heartbeat raced, thudding violently in your ears, and you swallowed hard to unsuccessfully ease the sudden dryness of your throat. 
"What do you want?" you choked out.
"Can't a mother come see her daughter the night before her wedding?"
A/N: Instant foreshadowing, huh? Anyway, I tried. Hope you liked it :)
-----
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goldenpinof · 5 months
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1) I'm a different nonnie but I loved your analysis on the dnpg comeback, but it leads into 2) what I don't understand about Dan is how YouTube stresses him out /so/ much, but how other projects don't as much? I've read his book, and I know it has to do with judgement and how hard he feels he has to pretend to make people like him (side note, I want him to write another book. I'd love Dan is Not Okay as a book even. I like his writing style), but you would think that that anxiety would translate to any public projects. 3) mildly unrelated, but when they react to pinof 4, I wonder if they're going to talk about 2012 in depth (Dan's breakdown on Tumblr, how the fans harassed Adrian, the friends they publicly fell out with between 2012-2013, just all of it) or if they're going to just react to the Pinof itself. Personally I feel like PINOF 4's energy is generally fine, but since they're focusing on controlling the narrative now, it could be interesting to use it as a possible retrospective and a way to clearly define their boundaries.
i'm gonna follow your structure :)
1) thank you <3;
2) i think it can have something to do with the amount of things being made. if it's youtube it "has to be" many good quality and interesting videos (3-5 is already many) and youtube demands consistency if you view it as a job. youtube is also a more public place than venues or bookstores. anyone, and i mean ANYONE, can see Dan's videos on the internet for free and form an opinion, and comment, and start a discussion (good or bad). and not that many things can be erased from the internet. books also cannot be erased the moment you make it digital but it's harder to go through a book and form an actual opinion than to watch a 10-min video and form an opinion also based on Dan's face. videos are personal, it's about him. bigger projects feel more like a job and are perceived as a separate entity. it's not Dan, it's what Dan makes. also books have editors and publishers that have some kind of responsibility alongside the author. independent youtube videos? not really. switching to tours. Dan likes irl feedback a lot. maybe that thing makes it easier for him to dive into an enormous amount of physical and emotional work every tour requires. also, the tour is not Dan, it's what Dan makes and plays a role in. there is more detachment from his personality even though we know he puts his own thoughts into his shows (tatinof and ii included). Dan may also like conceptual things (i'm assuming here, i don't remember if he ever said it, he could). to build a whole world based on an idea and live in this world for a bit. like, creating a tv series or a show requires more time, more revisions, help from others, but it's also more fun to create something so big, i guess. it requires more than his youtube videos but it also gives more in return. it's like making a baby that you're so proud of and then presenting it to the world, time and time again to different people. youtube videos could also be viewed as babies but as he said, a lot of it was made to please the algorithm and to survive on youtube (paraphrasing here). he overthinks his content and because of the amount (again) it's harder with videos than 1 or 2 bigger projects that he can spend months on making. (i bet the pitching of his projects and communication in general stress him out as well. but luckily, he has managers for that). you mentioned dan is not okay as a book, and i would die to see the script of a show as it is. and the fact that it already exists blows my mind a little bit. like, give it to me!!;
3) no, they won't talk about 2012 uneasy times. honestly, i'm gonna be shocked if they acknowledge it in any way. Adrian is a public figure now, mentioning him is a risk. i think they will just react to pinof 4, maybe they will give a few looks @ the camera indicating that they know we know, but other than that, i really really doubt we will get any serious commentary.
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Bad Decisions
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A/N: this is my first fic so pls be nice haha. it’s been probably 5 years since i’ve written anything other than poetry so i would appreciate constructive criticism!! also, i got the ideas for this after getting high and had a dream about being with matty lol. and if you like this and have an idea for a request let me know!! i love writing and i struggle with ideas sometimes. i also am experimenting with different povs so the next one might be different.
warnings: smut (18+), cheating, drugs, spanking, choking, degradation, bit of cnc i guess?, littlest bit of exhibitionism, violence, blood
prompt: Y/N is dating George, she gets high with Matty and cheats on George. “You’re a dirty fucking girl,” and “Tell me I’m better than him.” Also inspired by the video of Matty yelling “FUCKING SAY IT!!
5,586 words
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I couldn't help but feel anxious in this situation. I often struggled with anxiety, but this felt different. There I was, sitting alone in the living room of my boyfriend's house. George must have been running late from his 'errands' he had to complete after school. I wasn't stupid, I knew that George always stole some money from his parents to buy coke and weed before they went on a trip. Though sweet, George had little to no self-control or responsibility.
His parents had gone out of town for the week on an anniversary vacation, leaving George by himself. They knew he was capable of surviving on his own for a week, even if that meant eating frozen pizzas every day while they were gone. I always made fun of him for his lack of 'adult skills' that most 17-year-olds have. The boy couldn't even do his own laundry, yet he insisted on moving in with Matty after graduation. I couldn't imagine that duo living together.
The anxiety returned to my chest as I heard a noise come from upstairs of the house. I quickly rose from the couch, walking slowly towards the front door. Did someone break in? I heard heavy but slow footsteps making their way closer to the staircase. I couldn't see the figure, but I heard their low mumbles.
"Who's there?" I questioned, the fear evident in my tone. I knew George's parents would be furious if their house got broken into. I held my breath in, hoping that would mask my fear.
I soon saw two tattooed feet step down the staircase. They were followed by the shadow of long legs, a bare torso, and a mop of curly hair. Matty. Of course.
"Aw, how sweet, you came here for me? I always knew you wanted me more than George." He said with a smirk. He continued his walk down the stairs, meeting me at the bottom.
"Oh fuck off," I let go of the air I was holding in, relieved that there was no threat at all. Except for a threat to my sanity.
"Did I scare you, love?" He questioned. "No, I just didn't know anyone was here. Why are you here?" George hadn't mentioned anyone arriving early, and by the looks of it, Matty had just woken up. His hair was disheveled and the bags under his eyes made me guess that it was a long night. Every night was a long night for Matty.
"George let me stay last night. Too hungover to go home, plus I don't feel like seeing my dad. Not in the mood to deal with that prick." He sauntered over to the sofa, grabbed the television remote, and plopped down. He turned the TV on and opened the Netflix app.
I didn't know when George would get back, so I made my way to the sofa and sat across from Matty. I had only known Matty for a few months, as George introduced me to him shortly after we started dating. I thought Matty was alright. He was funny, and a bit narcissistic, but a good friend to George.
Matty opened Breaking Bad on the TV and pressed play. He reached into his pocket and pulled out what I assumed was a joint, along with a lighter. "How sweet, you saved one for me." I joked, but he rolled his eyes and lit the joint.
"Do you actually want some?" He asked, holding the joint in the corner of his mouth.
"No! I’ve never even smoked before, you know that.” I scoffed at him. I may have hung out with George and Matty’s crowd, but I definitely did not fit in with them. They threw parties often, which I attended, but I never partook in any of their activities. I sat out on most things, cigarettes, joints, alcohol, and even spin the bottle. The hard drugs I never dared to touch, and George didn’t know that I knew they did any.
“Doll, it’s about time you try some. You’ve hung out with us enough. Time to drop the innocent schoolgirl act. Besides, I know what you and George get up to,” He said with a smirk on his face. My eyes widened at his admission. There’s no way George would have told Matty what we did.
“What do you mean, ‘what you get up to’? What did he say?” I questioned, turning my body to face him.
He chuckled and took another drag of his joint. “Let’s see, titty fucking, spanking, and the story of when he took your virginity. Losing it in the backseat of a car is very dirty, Y/N.”
My face was flushed pink. I turned away, fearful that Matty would comment on it. “I can’t believe he would tell you that,” I sighed.
“Darling, don’t worry about it. We’re best mates, after all. Here, let me help you get your mind off of him,” He said, scooting closer to me.
“Matty, what are you doing?” I questioned.
“Nothing, just relax. I’m going to take a hit of this and you’re going to inhale the smoke. It’ll help you feel better, trust me,” He said with a sly grin
“O-okay? I’m not going to get high am I?”
“‘Course not, love,”
Matty’s fingers brought the joint to his lips. His cheeks hollowed, sucking the smoke into his mouth. He ushered for me to come closer, so I did. Our faces were inches apart, yet not close enough for him. He grabbed the back of my head, pulling me closer to him. His lips were almost connecting mine. It felt wrong, the ultimate betrayal to George, but it felt so exciting at the same time. I had never done a ‘wrong’ thing in my life, yet here I am with my lips inches away from the personification of the word wrong.
Matty’s thumb rested below my bottom lip, slowly pulling my lips apart. His lips parted, allowing the smoke to enter my mouth.
“Close your mouth. Hold the smoke in and then inhale,” He whispered. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest, but I submissively followed his orders. I felt the smoke burn my throat, causing me to cough violently.
“There it is. Such a good girl,” He whispered.
“Now what do we do?” I asked.
“You’ll start to feel high in like 20 minutes.”
I jumped up from my seat on the couch. My head was already feeling lighter, but that wasn’t going to stop me. “Matty! You told me I wouldn’t get high from that!” I exclaimed.
“How stupid are you? You seriously thought inhaling smoke from a joint wouldn’t do anything to you?” He argued
“I’m out of here. I can’t fucking believe you,” I grabbed my phone from the couch and stuck it between the band of my skirt. I almost made it into the kitchen before a hand grabbed my wrist.
“Y/N, you can’t leave. I’m not letting you wander the streets while you’re high. Get back in there and sit down,” He commanded. His face showed no signs of humor, he must have been serious.
I was losing all self-control, my mind quickly became fuzzy, and threw all responsibility out the window. “Why should I? You lied to me and called me stupid.”
“Y/N, don’t make me say it again. Sit. Down.” He glared down at me, him being easily a few inches taller. Though not as tall as George, the tone in his voice certainly made him seem like it.
I kept my mouth shut, worried I would get reprimanded again. I sighed in defeat. He led me back to the couch and let go of my wrist.
I sat down again and examined the red mark on my wrist. The sight made me shiver. I shouldn’t have liked his harsh grip on me or his harsh words, but I did. George never treated me that way, other than some light spanking when he took me from behind. George was a true gentleman, a kind soul who would do anything for his girl. George treated me like a queen. Matty was the antithesis of George.
Matty was pure darkness, a true mystery. He was unpredictable to others and himself. He was impulsive, daring, and free. Matty was the type of person they teach you to stay away from in school. He truly cared about no one other than himself. Yet, at that moment, he showed a glimpse of care when I insisted on leaving.
“I feel funny,” I whispered to him, my voice now soft and quiet. I let out a giggle on accident. My brain was no longer able to control my body and I knew Matty would enjoy it.
“Good. You’re supposed to.”
“Do you feel funny?”
“Not especially. I’m used to it. But this is your first time, tell me everything you feel.”
I leaned back into the couch, watching Matty attentively. His curly brown hair was out of control, yet perfect. His brown eyes were full of mystery, yet full of passion. His arms were visible thanks to his lack of a shirt. His veins were prominent, almost coercing me towards him. He was sinful.
“I feel like I’m doing something bad,” I said truthfully
“Love, it’s just a bit of weed. It won’t hurt you.”
“No, not that. I keep thinking about you and it feels wrong,” I admitted.
He smirked and sat up from his previous laying position on the couch. “Oh yeah? What are you thinking about?” He questioned. His tone caused my body to feel warm. Matty’s voice was like a drug. I knew I should stay away, yet I kept going back for more.
“Your hands. They’re veiny and they look nice. And your lips whenever you let the smoke into my mouth,” I was hesitant with my words. Even my high brain knew this was wrong.
Matty scooted closer to me, only inches away. His hand moved to rest on my bare knee. “My hands, huh? Well, I’ve been thinking about you too. What my hands could do to you, if you’d let me,” He coaxed.
His hand slowly traveled up my thigh. His fingers rubbed small circles into my skin. My hips involuntarily rose from the couch to meet his grip. He chuckled lightly at my actions.
“Matty, w-we can’t. I’m dating George,” I protested, unsure if I was trying to convince him or myself.
“Y/N, don’t think about George right now. I can make you feel way better than he can,” He whispered into my ear. I let out a sigh mixed with a moan. My head was spinning from the weed and the tension. His fingers felt like both ice and fire at the same time. He was slowly taking over my body. It was evident that I was losing this battle. I could feel the wetness under my skirt. If his fingers moved a few more inches he would be sure to feel it.
“Okay…just a little,” I gave in.
As soon as Matty heard those words leave my mouth, he got to work. He crashed his lips into mine and pulled me into his lap. My hips ground into his slowly. His hands were woven through my hair, gripping and pulling at the strands. I moaned at his pulling, which brought a smirk onto his face.
I leaned down for more, addicted to the taste of weed and tobacco on his lips. His hands traveled quickly from my hair to my back. He slipped his hands under my shirt and gripped my waist. I wasn’t skinny by any means, so I tried to hold myself up so I wouldn’t crush him.
“Babe, just relax. Let me take care of you,” He whispered in between kisses.
“I don’t want to crush you, I’m too heavy,” I whispered back.
“Is that what George tells you? Darling, don’t be afraid to give me your body,” He says and plants a kiss on my cheek.
He resumed his attack on my lips. I let go and laid on top of him fully. My hands were gripping the back of his neck while his moved down to my skirt. One hand gripped my waist while the other traveled under my skirt. His strong hand gripped my ass so tightly that I knew it would leave bruises.
I was becoming short of breath so I parted from our aggressive kiss. He gave my ass a sharp smack, “Did I say you could stop?”
“No, sir.”
“Good fucking girl,” He growled into my ear.
He tried to resume the kiss, but I shoved him back lightly. He looked at me both confused and irritated. I leaned up to take my shirt off, leaving me only in my black skirt and sports bra.
“Let me see all of you, baby,” He said as he lifted my bra above my head. He threw the garment across the room and returned his focus to my body.
His eyes left mine, lowering to my newly exposed breasts. One hand returned to my ass underneath my skirt, while the other gripped at my breast. I let out a loud moan at the contact. It had been a few weeks since George touched me like that.
Matty’s mouth attached to my nipple, sucking and pulling on it lightly. He groped my ass and pulled me closer to him. He repeated this, allowing me to grind into him once again. I could feel his hardness poking my inner thigh. I would gladly help him out, but he seemed to be content with worshiping my body.
His lips left my breast. “Take your skirt off,” He commanded.
I did as he said. I got up from being on top of him and pulled my skirt down my legs. The only thing covering me was my light pink underwear covered in little heart decals.
“So fucking sweet and innocent. Get on your knees for me.”
I lowered myself down onto my knees. He sat up, unbuttoning and unzipping his jeans. I helped him push his jeans off, leaving his black boxers on.
“Can I touch you, sir?” I asked, batting my eyelashes. I don’t know what overcame me, the weed or Matty, but I became a whole different person. My sex with George was slow and sweet. With Matty, I became a complete harlot, a sinner, a fallen angel.
“Yeah baby, touch my cock for me,” He said. He palmed his hard cock through his boxers, getting it ready for me to take it.
I grabbed the waistband of his boxers and slowly pulled them down. His hard length hit his stomach, tempting me closer. He was big. Not quite as thick as George's but similar in length. I could feel my mouth watering, a mixture of cotton mouth and pure lust.
My innocent eyes looked up at him through long lashes as I gave him an experimental tug. He stared down at me with an open mouth, no sign of pleasure or discomfort. I was nervous. This was only my third time doing this to a guy. I decided to follow my instincts.
I licked from his base to his tip. He sighed, leaning his head back and looking at the ceiling. I gave his tip a few kitten licks before I fully committed. His hands flew to my hair, forming a makeshift ponytail.
I took him into my mouth, starting slow at first. I bobbed my head up and down, staring into his eyes for approval. He moaned my name almost as if he knew I was seeking approval.
“Such a good little girl taking my cock. I know you can take more,” He groaned.
I continued taking his length in my mouth before sinking down all the way, his tip reaching the back of my throat. I had his entire length in my mouth, my eyes were watering, and I was gripping his thighs tightly. He pulled me off by his grip on my hair.
“Fucking hell, Y/N, George never told me you were that good.” He smiled down at me.
Those words should’ve made me do a double-take. I should’ve stopped everything and walked out. I should have. But I didn’t.
Matty pushed my head back down onto his cock. He gripped the sides of my head and quickly thrust into my mouth. His tip was reaching the back of my throat with every thrust. The sounds coming from my mouth were unholy. My spit was running down his length and thighs. I’m sure there would be stains on this couch.
Matty pulled me off his length again. “I need to taste you, baby. It’s not fair he gets you whenever he wants.”
He lifted me up by my arms. “Jump,” He adds. I do as I’m told. He catches me, holding me up by my ass. I can feel his length resting against my ass and I let out a moan. Matty walks us over to the stairs before I interject.
“What are you doing?” I question.
“Taking you upstairs, love.”
He walks us upstairs, clearly struggling to hold my weight with his lanky arms. He kicks open the door to a room I know all too well. I’m thrown onto George’s bed. Images of my lovely boyfriend flood my head. It should be him with me right now, throwing me around and pushing me onto my knees. Matty is staring down at me like I’m his prey, not wanting to waste a second before devouring me.
“Close the door,” I add.
Matty leans down. I feel a sting on my cheek before I even hear it. Matty gripped the cheek he had just slapped. “You’re in no place to make demands.”
“Sorry, sir. What if he comes back?” I was worried about George walking in on us. I wasn’t worried much about getting caught cheating, I was more worried about not being able to finish underneath Matty.
“He’s not coming back soon. I texted him when you got here and told him to get food with Adam for the party.”
I sighed in relief. My high brain only wanted one thing; Matty. The weed made everything feel 100 times stronger, his touches, his words, even his presence. Everything went straight to my core.
Matty pushed me up further on the bed. “I wanna taste you, can I?” He asked.
I nodded, not being able to make out any words. I felt like putty in his hands. I couldn’t think or speak. All I could do was react to his touch.
He spread my legs and pulled down my pink panties. The cool air hit my core, causing me to shut my legs. “Keep them open, Y/N. Don’t make me tell you twice.”
He forged my legs open again and ran a finger down my stomach. He reached my pelvis and applied a slight amount of pressure. “You’re gonna feel me here real soon, baby. I’ll show you how a real man fucks,” He groaned.
His finger traveled slowly down to my clit. He rubbed little circles on my clit, causing my legs to jolt up and almost hit his face. He chuckled at my eagerness. His finger slipped down to gather my wetness.
“Holy fuck, you’re dripping.”
“It’s all for you, Matty.”
“It fucking better be.”
He dipped a finger into my entrance as if to test the waters. I moaned loudly, not having felt this kind of intrusion in weeks. He kept his finger still, waiting for more of a reaction. I huffed, needing more. I lowered my hips down, fucking myself slowly on his finger.
“Greedy little whore. You want me that bad? Beg for it.” He commanded. Strands of his hair were falling out of place, one stray curl was covering part of his eyebrow. He looked beautiful, gorgeous even. He and I both knew I would do anything he said.
“Please, Matty. Please, Please, Please. I’ve been so good for you. You’re so fucking hot, I want you inside of me so badly, please. Please fuck me with your fingers until I can’t walk, please baby.” I cried out.
He smiled, accepting my plea. He plunged his finger further into me, quickly thrusting in and out. He leaned down and licked a stripe up from my entrance to my clit. He began to lick in circles around my sensitive clit. I moaned, and my hand reached down to grip his dark locks.
He added another finger inside me, stretching me out enough for him. The thrusts of his fingers were quick and deliberate. His fingers were long and calloused and they hit the right spots in me. I moaned his name and pulled roughly on his hair.
He slapped my thigh, “Don’t pull my hair you fucking bitch.”
I moaned loudly, surely loud enough for the neighbors to hear. This was nothing new for them, as George and I frequently had fun over the summer. The loudness and shrillness may have been new for them, as George had never made me feel anything as pleasurable.
Matty’s fingers slipped out from inside me. I groaned at the loss of fullness. The fullness was comforting, knowing this was the closest I could possibly be to another human being. His body and mine, intertwined for a short period of time.
“Are you ready for me, baby girl?” He asked. He got on his knees, hovering over me. One hand rested on my knee, keeping my legs apart. The other hand was moving up and down on his length.
“Yes, sir, please give it to me. I want you so bad,” I said, yet it almost came out as a squeak. I was breathing hard and the weed was causing me anxiety. My fears and anxiety were silenced by Matty slowly pushing into me.
We both moaned in unison. He pinned one of my hands down, my other hand was palming my breasts. “Don’t touch yourself, that’s my job,” He grunted.
He pushed his long length into me until he finally bottomed out. He and I were both shaking from the ecstasy of sex and drugs combined. He pulled out slowly, then thrust back into me. I let out a cry, the pace being too slow.
“Faster, Matty, faster.” I cried.
“Don’t tell me what to fucking do. You want faster? I’ll give you fucking faster,” He pummeled into me harshly, forcing my head to hit the bed frame. He didn’t stop for me, he wouldn’t stop for anything. He continued his quick and deliberate thrusts. He gave my cheek a light slap and pulled on my hair.
“Ugh, I’ve wanted this so fucking badly for so long. Take it, baby.” He groaned. I knew it was probably the weed talking, but my heart still fluttered at his words.
My hand gripped the back of his neck and brought him down for a kiss. Our lips devoured each other’s, our tongues battled for dominance. My battle was short-lived, as we both knew I was just a toy for him to ruin. I was okay with that. My fantasy of finally doing something wrong was coming true. I felt like a true sinner.
“You’re a dirty fucking girl, aren’t you? Look at you all fucked out on my cock. Fucking say it, say you’re a dirty fucking girl, Y/N,” he growled. His hand came down on the sides of my throat, squeezing enough to make me even more lightheaded.
I couldn’t speak. His cock pounding into me at a harsh speed was overwhelming. His hand on my throat, his other hand pinning me down, was pushing me over the edge. I let out a small squeak, trying to warn him of my closeness.
He slapped my cheek again, “Fucking say it!” He yelled, quickening his pace. I felt my eyes roll back into my head as my body let go. I had never had an orgasm while high before. It felt unearthly. My body shook, and I felt my core clenching and unclenching around him while he continued thrusting into me. I was seeing colors and I blocked out all noise, including Matty’s grunts and moans. I felt like I was on a cloud.
I was smacked out of my orgasm, literally, by Matty. “Little slut can’t speak when she’s spoken to and she comes without permission. Little girl needs to learn her lesson.” He pulled out of me quickly and flipped me over onto all fours.
I arched my back, knowing that’s what he wanted to see. He moaned and planted a firm smack onto my ass. He pushed back inside me, not waiting for me to readjust at all.
His pace did not falter. The new angle allowed him better access to my g-spot, which he hit perfectly.
“Say you’re a dirty fucking girl,” He moaned into my ear.
“I’m a dirty fucking girl! I’m such a slut for you, Matty! You feel so good,” I moaned out.
“That’s it. You’re doing so good for me. So tight.”
“Give it to me, Matty. Make me come again please!”
My cries were silenced by his hand over my mouth. I grunted into his hand, I wanted everyone in the neighborhood to know how good Matty’s cock felt inside of me.
“Tell me I’m better,” He groans and lifts his hand from my mouth. He places his hands on my hips, slamming my hips back against his.
“What?” I question. He couldn’t be referring to George, could he?
“George, tell me I’m better than George. Has he ever made you come like this, baby?”
His hips pause. He lifts me up and pressed my back against his chest. He holds me up by my arms, his face right next to mine.
I look him directly in the eyes. “You’re so much fucking better than him.”
He moans and pounds into me once again. “Fuck, Y/N, I’m gonna come. Where do you want me?”
“I-I’m close too. Come inside me, Matty, please. He’s never done that before,” I moan into his ear.
My brain was so fuzzy, I didn’t process the sound of the front door opening or the sound of George and Adam laughing downstairs. Matty most certainly heard them since a wide grin appeared on his face.
“Fuck, Y/N, I’m gonna come. Tell me I’m better again,” He whines.
My tits were bouncing, my mouth was agape. Matty’s eyes burned into mine, not daring to break eye contact. It was a sinful scene. It was a sight straight out of a porn. I reached down to rub circles at my clit, bringing myself closer to the edge.
“You’re better, Matty! You’re better than George!” I screamed with one final rub of my finger. My climax washed over me for the second time that day. I fell back onto Matty’s chest and my hands reached up to grab the curls at the nape of his neck.
I couldn’t process the sounds around me once again, but I felt Matty’s thrusts slow until he pounded into me one last time. I could feel his warmth shoot through me. He grabbed onto my tits and bit into my neck. He stayed inside me and continued thrusting, slower this time, to ride our highs.
Everything came crashing down when I heard a loud, “WHAT THE FUCK?”
My eyes shot open. I turned my head to find George standing in the doorway, Adam a few feet behind him in the hallway. George’s face was red, his hands balled into fists. Adam walked closer to him and held him back by George’s shoulders.
Matty smirked and pushed me back onto all fours. The high combined with my two orgasms had completely overtaken me. I was floating in another realm and I couldn’t control my body. I knew what was happening, I just couldn’t move or say anything.
Matty pounded into me again, pushing his cum further into me. “Sorry, mate, just finishing up here.” He said with a sly smirk on his face.
“GET THE FUCK OFF OF HER” George screamed, lunging toward Matty. Adam, the saint he was, tried to keep George back but George was ultimately too strong.
Matty was ripped away from me and thrown onto the floor, completely naked. “I think you mean out of her, Georgey.” He laughed.
His attitude was sickening, but god was it hot. I was unsure of his goal, either to make George mad or to keep fucking me. He obviously had no problem with fucking in front of people. I began to wonder if he was some kind of exhibitionist or if he had done this before.
George threw punches at Matty, Matty tried to block them but was unsuccessful. Adam quickly ran over, struggling to pull George off of Matty. I was laid on the bed, covered up by one of George’s blankets.
“George, please, stop!” I cried. He didn’t listen. Tears were falling from my eyes, the high making it more intense.
Somewhere, somehow during all of this, Ross ran up the stairs and helped Adam pull away an infuriated George. George managed to get one final hit in, a kick to Matty’s side. Matty was on the floor, nose covered in blood and curled up. He was clutching onto his side and his nose.
“Can someone tell me what the fuck is going on?” Ross asked, clearly confused about why George was beating the shit out of his best friend, but also why Matty was naked.
“Matty was fucking my girlfriend in my bed!” George shouted. I crawled up further into George’s bed as if somehow it would make me disappear.
George looked at me with venom in his eyes. He pointed at me, tears threatening to fall from his eyes, “You,”
I sobbed into his blanket. He marched towards me and ripped the blanket from my grasp. He looked down at my naked body, bruises and red marks scattered across me.
“Why the fuck would you do this to me?” He said, choking back the tears.
“I-I don’t know, George. We were high a-and,”
“Save it. Get the fuck out of my house.” George demanded.
“B-But,”
“Y/N, you both have 3 minutes to get the fuck out of my house or I will actually kill him,” George said. He wouldn’t even look at me. I looked to Adam and Ross for help, but they showed no mercy as well.
“I need my clothes. Can someone get my clothes from downstairs? A-And his,” I looked over at Matty.
Adam nodded and exited the room. George stood there with his arms crossed and his head down. Ross had his hand placed on George’s shoulder. Not much, but a sign of comfort.
Adam shortly returned with our clothes, clearly not happy about the situation. He threw the pile of clothes on the bed. The three men walked out of the room and shut the door. I could hear George’s sobs through the door.
I pulled out my bra, underwear, shirt, and skirt. I quickly slipped the garments on and gathered Matty’s clothes in my arms.
I reached down and pulled him up by his arm, helping him sit on the bed. I used the sleeve of my shirt to wipe some of the blood from his face. I helped him slip his boxers and sweatpants on, quickly realizing he didn’t have a shirt on earlier.
I looked around the room in search of a shirt that could be Matty’s. I found one on the floor by George’s desk. I grabbed the shirt and helped Matty slip it on.
“We gotta hurry up and go,” I whispered
“He’s my best friend, Y/N, I can’t lose him,” He cried and rested his head on my shoulder.
“I know, Matty, he’s my boyfriend. Or was? You wanted to get high, Matty. You started this.”
“Bullshit, Y/N, you enjoyed it just as much as I did.”
“I did, I loved it. But we can talk about this later, I can’t watch you get hurt again,” I said, standing up. I offered a hand to Matty, which he accepted.
I held onto Matty’s arm, almost for protection. I knew Matty was not capable of protecting me right now, nor would he even want to. I opened the door slowly. They weren’t standing there.
Matty and I walked down the stairs together. I was careful not to touch his side where George kicked him. “I’ll take you home and clean you up, okay?” I whispered to him.
He nodded. We were then met with the three men standing near the front door.
George walked up to me and looked directly into my eyes. “In case you didn’t figure it out, we’re over. That goes for both of you. Matty, I never want to see you again. I’m done helping you. And as for you, I can’t believe you would cheat on me. You broke my heart, Y/N.”
I hid my face in Matty’s arm. I couldn’t look at George. I couldn’t believe that I did such a thing. The high was wearing off, and I was faced with the consequences of my actions.
We walked out the door without another word. Matty and I walked a short distance away from George’s house until we found a bench by the sidewalk. We sat down. Silence.
“So…what now?” I asked, looking at Matty.
He laughed and put his arms behind his head. “Round two at my place?”
109 notes · View notes
kiss-inthekitchen · 2 years
Text
attuned to you | tasm!peter parker
summary: when Peter’s busy and you’re having a bad day, you try to just deal with it on your own. somehow, Peter finds out anyway
wc:1.5k
a/n: mentions of anxiety, reader having a funky lil depression moment. i don’t think it’s anything too intense but we’re all different so ya know. just be careful. it does get fluffy pretty quick too.
finally got the energy to get back into my abandoned wip’s so here u go besties <3
It had been a hell of a Tuesday.
And for no reason in particular. It was your day off, no responsibilities to tend to, no work to do. You could’ve gone out, but your friends were all busy and it made you anxious to go out alone. On a good day, you could handle it, but today your anxiety simmered in the background even as you sat in the safety of your room, so you decided to just have a chill day at home.
It wasn’t so bad, until it got dark out. You probably should’ve gone outside for a little while at least, just to break up the day. But it was too late now.
The further the sun set, the worse you felt. You hadn’t gotten anything done– not that you even needed to, but somehow that felt like a failing of yours– and now that it was dark you definitely weren’t going anywhere by yourself.
You checked the time on your phone. Still at least four hours until the time you usually fall asleep. More time you’d have to waste. Which was all you’d done today, waste your own time.
You dropped your head into your hands, trying to cut off that train of thought. You couldn’t change that now, anyway. There was no point dwelling on it.
Honestly, you just wanted to see Peter. But he was out patrolling after a full day of classes, and you didn’t love the idea of calling him to make you feel better. You were sure he’d drop everything to come be with you, but you didn’t like asking him to. Besides, you knew how he felt about his responsibility to the city, and you didn’t want to be the one calling him away when he could be helping people. Nothing was really wrong for you, anyway. It was just a bad day. You’d had a lot of bad days by yourself before you’d met Peter, and you’d gotten through all of them. You could do it again.
At least, that’s what you’d told yourself. After an hour of switching between apps and streaming services and finding nothing engaging enough to distract from your thoughts, you decided to just give up and get into bed. So what if it was only 8:30 at night? You just wanted the day to be over. Hopefully tomorrow would be better.
You turned off the light and got into bed, pulling the covers up to your head and trying to will yourself to be tired.
Just then, you heard the sound of something hitting your window. Knocking against it, actually.
You startled at the sudden noise, rolling over to see Peter perched on your fire escape. Of course it was Peter. Who else could be knocking at your window? You lived on the fifth floor.
You threw the covers off, crossing the room to push the window open. You didn’t move aside to let him enter, figuring that Peter probably just came by to say hi or something. It was way too early for him to be home.
“What are you doing here so early? Crime take a break tonight?” you joked, trying to be casual. It helped that you were genuinely relieved to see him, even if you’d have to deal with his absence again in a minute.
“What’s wrong?” Peter asked, concern clouding his tone.
“Wh- nothing. I’m just tired,” you lied, taken aback by his question. How could this man possibly have known something was wrong? Maybe he was swinging past and saw your lights out? You tried to wave it off. “Was gonna go to sleep early, but someone-”
“Really doubling down on that lie, huh?” he interrupted, though his tone was gentle. “Think I know you well enough by now to tell when you’re pretending everything’s fine even though it isn’t.”
“Well, that’s sort of sweet and very annoying,” you frowned, your gaze slipping to the floor. Part of you was relieved that he came to see you, and the other part of you felt like he shouldn’t be here at all. He had other people to take care of.
“Can I come in?”
You hesitated. “What about the people that need you?”
“You need me.”
You wanted to argue with him, but you knew how Peter was when he’d made up his mind. And as much as you might self-sabotage at times, you didn’t have it in you to go back to being alone tonight. You stepped aside, finally allowing him to enter.
“How’d you know?” you sighed.
He shrugged, crossing the room towards your dresser as he answered. “Sensed it. D’you have the shirt I left here last time?” he asked absentmindedly, as if what he’d just said had been completely normal.
“Sensed it?” you repeated, following him to your dresser and opening the drawer with his shirt folded neatly on top. You hoped he wouldn’t notice the way your heart skipped at the thought, but when you turned back to him you could see it in the little smirk that graced his lips.
“Mmhm,” he hummed as he slipped out of his suit. “From across town.”
“That’s quite a signal you’ve got, Spider-Man,” you mumbled, standing with your arms folded over your chest as he threw on his shirt.
“Actually, my reception isn’t that great. Not usually, anyway.”
Your brows raised at that. “So… what does that mean?” you asked, though you were pretty sure you already knew. You just couldn’t believe it.
“I guess it means,” he started, a slight teasing tone to his words. “My spidey sense is especially attuned to you.”
“I didn’t know it could do that,” you whispered, dumbfounded.
“I didn’t either,” he spoke softly, stepping closer to you. He tucked some of your hair behind your ear, his hand lingering at your jaw. “But here we are. So, you wanna tell me what’s wrong now?”
You sighed. “Technically nothing. Nothing bad happened, I just… I guess nothing good happened either.”
Peter’s gaze softened as he looked at you. He stepped closer, chest to chest with you, and moved his hand to the back of your head, pressing his lips to your forehead. You took a deep breath in, feeling a weight lift off of you.
“Why didn’t you call me?” he whispered into the dark of your room.
“Peter, I… I know what you’re doing out there,” you said, looking out the window. “I’m supposed to call you away from that? For this?”
Peter sighed, thinking through his next words carefully. He understood your concerns. Of course, you knew how he felt about using his abilities to help people, had heard him go on about the toll it took on him when he arrived at a scene too late, when he felt like he had failed to do what only he could.
“Baby,” he started, moving to sit on your bed and bringing you to stand in front of him, “I.. I know I can’t do everything, right? I patrol when I can, I help when I can. And other times I can’t. And maybe that’s something I need to get through my head as well, but… anyway, what I’m trying to say is tonight, you need me. So this is where I need to be. You’re the most important thing to me. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t call me.”
“Okay,” you said, voice thick as you tried to hold back tears. You struggled to believe that you were more important than an entire borough full of people, but the sentiment stuck with you.
“Yeah?” Peter confirmed, looking up at you in the dim lighting, thumbs stroking the skin of your waist. “Just make the cops have to do their damn jobs themselves for once,” he tried, successfully pulling a laugh from you. Well, more of an amused huff through your nose, but still, it was something.
You nodded, finally accepting that he was here to stay, and let him pull you into bed. You wrapped yourself up in him, one leg thrown over his and your head on his chest as he ran his fingers through your hair. You lay there for a while, just breathing in the comfort.
You tilted your head up a bit, trying your best to look at him from your position. Your voice came out small, but still teasing, “I feel like we kind of brushed over the part where you sensed that I was upset from across Queens.”
He rewards you with a startled laugh, a soft, “You’re right, I guess we did.”
“That’s so insane.”
“Isn’t it, though?”
“I think you might love me too much.”
“Hm, yeah, I see your point. I’ll work on it.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“No?”
“No, you can keep being obsessed with me, I’ll just have to live with it.”
“You’re so understanding. No wonder I’m obsessed with you.”
The two of you dissolved into quiet giggles then, Peter removing the hand that was raking through your hair to wrap his arm around your shoulders, squeezing you impossibly closer.
403 notes · View notes
thecontumacious · 2 years
Note
ahhhhh request is finally open!! hi just wanted to say that I adore the way u write!
so I wanted to request hcs where the luxiem boys overhears their s/o doing a karaoke streams and they sing like a pro? and maybe they join in too?❤️❤️
"You're my favorite song."
a/n: i subconsciously made a mini playlist for each of the boys :D i also just wanna highly recommend the songs i listed so check out the artists when you have time ^-^
quick announcement: finals are next tuesday so i will be incredibly busy for around two weeks. thus, posts will slow down a whole lot more this time around ;-; but! after that, i will be completely free and will def have a lot of time to finish this batch~ i hope you guys don't mind waiting for a bit!
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Vox Akuma 👹🌹
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Hiiragi Kirai - Vita, Bocca della Verita, Bottom
hiiragi's songs are powerful and your voice resonated exactly with that, which of course attracted the demon firsthand
he had never thought you could sing such high energy songs
the more you sang, the more fond and enchanted he was with your voice
we all know how he's very i to confident and bold people, hiiragi's songs are the epitome of those things
so imagine this
vox, who had originally wanted to send you a superchat to show some support for the karaoke stream, is in complete awe and finds himself listening intently to you
in laymen's terms, simping
it's only when you announced a break mid stream that it knocked him back to reality
Vox Akuma just sent $25 through superchat! "goodness darling, your voice is speaking to my soul. take responsibility won't you?"
*you choking on your water* "v-VOX HI"
i mean, you knew that your fellow vtuber friends (boyfriend in this case) would be checking out your karaoke stream but you never figured he'd actually show up and have the audacity to send a superchat too
"h-hi vox," you laugh nervously, instantly shrinking in your seat as you fiddle with your water bottle
the demon chuckles from the other side of the screen, opting for a regular chat this time for your sake
"take the water easy, love."
chat is going wild
then, he had a bright idea
he turns to his discord server and goes to send you a private message:
Vox Akuma [NIJISANJI EN] 🟢 : hey, can i ask for permission to join your stream?"
might've been a bad idea since this was a stream mainly about you but he wanted to join in on the fun, with how you're so passionate in the singing
actually no, he wanted to join only bcs he thought you were so talented, it's only natural he'd like to be affected by this wonderful sense of aura ^^
Y/N L/N [NIJISANJI EN] 🟢 : yeah yeah! totally cool!! come on over babe, just use the discord server!
he was slightly surprised when you granted him said permission
he'd be lying if he said he wasn't nervous bcs he knows he's no good at singing and needs practice beforehand
think before you act eh?
too late! you're already announcing to the chat that they'll be having an impromptu guest
"vox?"
"hey everyoneee hiiii"
HI MILORDDDDD
"okay, next on my set list should be something you know, vox. you ready?"
all nervousness washes away upon seeing your beautiful smile and he reminds himself that he's in it for the fun
"i got you darling."
the instrumental starts to roll in and he notices how you're more nervous than before
"y/n? are you alright?" he asks sweetly
"n-nervous is all!" you reply
vox chuckles, "nothing to be nervous about, my dear. you're very skilled at this and with the practice you had, i'm very sure you'll do well."
on screen, the demon can see your anxiety faltering and all he sees is your grin
will there ever be another person out there who can make him feel this way simply with a smile like that?
"thanks, vox."
VOX-Y/N SHIP FLOATING POG
when your voice starts to sing the melodies, vox is once again charmed by it
he rly couldn't help it and sometimes, his voice would soften just watching you lose yourself in the song
all this is mine? god, i'm so lucky.
post stream, vox actually makes his way over to your room and instantly just wraps you in his arms, kissing your face affectionately
you giggle when he finally stops, "hi."
"hello, love," he whispers. "you were beautiful today. that's what i wanted to say."
and indeed you were
other boys utc!
Mysta Rias 🦊🔶
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Kanaria - Envy Baby, EYE | Giga - CH4NGE
"GASPPPP GIGAAAA" is his first initial reaction upon hearing the familiar beats but then your voice-
god your voice
sure, you were great at a lot of things but singing?????
"holy shit they're good," he mutters under his breath, genuinely amazed by how you nail ch4nge's lyrics
the thing about ch4nge is that it requires a sort of charm or confidence in executing the lyrics. there's no way to do the song justice if not done with that type of flare
and you know what?
you check all the above requirements
you sing it with high energy and arrogance as perceived by the original producer, so much so mysta thinks this version is better than the original
now that's saying something
he goes into the chat and presses on the superchat function, sending in a couple ten pounds:
Mysta Rias [NIJISANJI EN] sent 50$ through superchat! official ch4nge cover when
bcs mysta's name came up, you couldn't help but redirect your vision towards the screen. however, you weren't finished singing so all you did was grin
then you had the bright idea to up your game and sing ch4nge like you were flirting with him, now knowing your boyfriend was watching
hoo boy
feral mysta go brrrr
and just as you assumed, you did indeed awake something within mysta and although he was simply sitting on his office chair in front of his pc, he feels an unusual adrenaline rush
you sing the final lyrics and mysta instantly goes onto discord, sending you a private message
Mysta Rias [NIJISANJI EN] 🟢 : YO CAN I JOIN
he half expected you to either ignore him or say no
but there you go
Y/N L/N [NIJISANJI EN] 🟢 : FUCK YEAH COME ON THEN IM SINGING KANARIA'S EYE NEXT Mysta Rias [NIJISANJI EN] 🟢 : AIGHT BET WAIT THERE
like vox, he's aware he's no good at singing but the adrenaline kept him up like he was on a sugar rush
not much stopping to do now so he's on that discord call with you and your chat is welcoming him with big open arms
MYSTAAAAA
IS MYSTA GONNA SING WITH Y/N?????
MYSTA POGGG
"alright, mysta, they have high hopes for you," you giggle, prepping the next instrumental
he merely chuckles, "hi chat!! i honestly don't know what the fuck i'm doing but i'm here now."
"always so impulsive," you comment. "you good?"
"yeah, yeah, let's go"
as the instrumental begins, you start hyping yourself up and this only makes mysta more excited
with his lyrics already pulled up on his screen, you and him duet kanaria's "EYE"
in his head, he knows you're outshining him by quite a lot even without that much effort
but i think it's because of this, mysta's view of you changes a bit
how could he get so lucky?
you were skilled at a lot of things, a talented content creator/entertainer, a successful vtuber within nijisanji and most importantly, you belonged to mysta
and as you tell him every night:
"yours and only yours, babe."
amidst the upbeat music and fast paced chat, mysta only sees you having fun and enjoying the song
and he wants nothing else, from that moment on, than to keep that smile on your face and let no harm come your way
post stream, mysta congratulates you on reaching your milestone and doing so well during the karaoke stream
all before saying with a silly grin on his face, "say, do you think we can do a karaoke stream together again?"
Luca Kaneshiro 🦮🔆
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wotaku - MAFIA, SHANTI | Kanaria - KING
a reason to fall in love with you tbh
you sounded so badass??????
luca even dare say that you singing mafia was better than how he did it and he was not in the slightest bit complaining
regardless of your lore, you, y/n could fit well into the mafia setting with how you're rapping mafia
he thought you couldn't be any cooler, but he was obviously wrong with how you're nailing all the lyrics (despite being a fast paced song)
luca can only watch in awe, bopping his head and humming the lyrics himself with the brightest and proudest grin that has ever graced his face
when you finish, luca is quick to press the superchat function to further support your amazing success
Luca Kaneshiro [NIJISANJI EN] sent $20 through superchat! POGGGGGGG
upon reading the incoming donation, you blush on stream while giggling shyly
"hey luca," you greet him, waving slightly
on the other side of the screen, luca melts internally
from the aggressive tone you took on to sing mafia and now shrinking to a more shy and flustered soul
how in the world are you so fucking adorable
Luca Kaneshiro [NIJISANJI EN] 🔧 : BABE THAT WAS SO POGGG YOU PROBABLY SANG IT BETTER THAN ME
you laugh, shaking your head, "oh come on, luca. your mafia cover was good too!"
humble, are you?
luca smiles
Luca Kaneshiro [NIJISANJI EN] 🔧 : honeybun stop being shy and admit that you're good at this
you will not believe how fast the chat is going seeing you interact like this, clippers super busy commemorating this beautiful moment
even your mods are begging you to put slow mode on for the sake of their sanity
"slow mode? okay wait hold on," you chuckle, pressing a few settings as per the request
seeing you have so much fun brings so much joy to luca and there's a small part inside him begging to join you. but he knows that this was your karaoke stream
who was he to intrude this celebratory stream?
hence, why you were the one who gave him the special invite
Y/N L/N [NIJISANJI EN] 🟢 : babe, do you wanna maybe join the stream?
luca at first couldn't believe what he was seeing but after rubbing away at his eyes and refreshing his page, your message is most definitely real
that small part i mentioned earlier?
it evolved into something much bigger and now there's no way to stop it
luca has the biggest grin in the world
Luca Kaneshiro [NIJISANJI EN] 🟢 : HOLY SHIT YES PLEASE
and he's quick to join the discord call and meet up with you
"HI BABYYYY!!" luca exclaims, wiggling around excitedly
you can only laugh at his adorable enthusiasm, addressing him to the chat, "welcome luca!!"
he wasn't completely there in person, but did it matter when his heart felt so incredibly close to you as of right now?
"what's our next song, y/n?"
"oh! you should know this, luca! but you can pull up the lyrics if need be. tell me when you're ready," you respond, typing up the song's title as the set list and readying the instrumental. "you good luca?"
nodding, he answers, "yep!"
the song begins and so does your singing
luca, who was originally already very excited, becomes even more hyped when his voice is in sync with yours. when you lock eyes with him, his heart speeds up and this prompts him to take his singing to the next level
and boy we know just how lovely of a voice luca has
he just has so much fun with you
he's on a euphoric train, holding your hand tightly to bring you aboard the soul filling feeling
like nearing the station, the song comes to a close end and luca's heart feels slightly hollow
but he looks at you
he's never felt more glad to have you as his
"hey, y/n?"
"yeah, luca?"
"i love you."
LUCA AND Y/N WEDDING WHEN
Ike Eveland 🖋💙
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YOASOBI - Running into the Night | Mafumafu - Hunger | Maigo Hanyuu - Clear and Sunny
ike recognizes the song you're singing as maigo hanyuu's mellow clear and sunny
the song, unlike our previous boys, is more downplayed. it's soft but holds a strong meaning nevertheless. it is a song for the tired. it is a song that resonates with ike's gentle heart
but god that song spoke to him in a different language with how you sang it
to ike, it sounded sad but somehow also very comforting. sweet amongst a sea of bitter. it's only when he feels something cold on his arm does he realize he's crying
"oh my god," he whispers, using his sleeve to dry the remaining tears. your singing hadn't ceased either. he sighs, "why are you so beautiful, y/n?"
he doesn't wish to interrupt you so he stays silent and watches you like it was a concert
chat seemed to have had the same opinion as him
ike is still in heavy awe that he doesn't even want to input his opinion in the live chat. to him, he wants to savor every moment you sing your songs, melodizing the lyrics and pouring your every will in them
like it was a prayer almost
once you finish sunny and clear, ike begins to type on his keyboard
Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN] 🔧 : that was beautiful, y/n.
you pause and blush a bright red, giggling. "hi ike. i'm glad you liked it."
he more than just enjoyed it y/n, dear
he was willing to give you his entire support, as a coworker within nijisanji and as a personal fan of your work
yet there was something about your recent performance that draws ike in, literally pulling him in as though he wanted to be right there next to you
ike guiltily wished he could accompany you sing
as a musical artist himself, to be one with the music is a magical feeling. and duets are a different world in itself. and this was with you...
before long, ike's less professional side is somehow already on his keyboard again and messaging through the chat
Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN] 🔧 : i suddenly really wanna do a duet with you
the entirety of ike believed that you would just read the message and shrug it off, maybe laugh at it and make empty promises that you'd one day do it
but there you were, pausing mid stream and a message on discord comes through to him
Y/N L/N [NIJISANJI EN] 🟢 : are you serious???? Y/N L/N [NIJISANJI EN] 🟢 : i mean- i wouldn't mind if u joined with me! Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN] 🟢 : really???? it's your stream! are you sure?? Y/N L/N [NIJISANJI EN] 🟢 : tbh, i'm super nervous rn so your presence might be super nice...
ike smiles, finding you at this very moment extremely endearing
even after confidently singing one of the most sentimental songs in the vocaloid world with such emotion and soul wrecking tone, here you are, admitting that you're nervous and needing someone to be there just to feel okay again
moreover, he's the one you go to
Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN] 🟢 : alright if u insist Y/N L/N [NIJISANJI EN] 🟢 : thanks so much, love!!
IKEEEEEE
"hi everyone," ike smiles, moving his body around in greeting towards your chat. "apparently y/n is too nervous and begged me to be here."
"i did not beg," you frown
ike chuckles, "alright fine. you didn't beg."
"alright, alright! here's our next song, ike."
the discord message comes through: "yoasobi - running into the night."
ah this song
ike nods on stream, clearing his throat and warming up his vocal cords. "i'm ready if you are, y/n."
you make the necessary clicks before announcing, "all set! on the count of three and we immediately start singing, ike."
"alright."
"1, 2, 3!"
running into the night sounds very upbeat and fun, but when examined deeper, it is no different than clear and sunny. the lyrics tell a story of the wounded and tired. they don't fail to keep the listener attached.
but for ike, this song sung by you doesn't fail to keep him enchanted.
so enchanted, he loses himself and wishes to just hear you sing and not focus on singing anymore
and by the end, chat rolls aggressively with applaud and questions for ike
"ike, why'd u stop singing mid song?" you ask, frowning
"because someone else was singing and i felt too outshined," he smiles, giggling as you shy away, shrinking in front of the camera. ike laughs, "awe, don't be shy, sweetheart. you did wonderfully."
"th-thanks, ike," you still don't want to face him head on, but he knows that you're genuinely thankful
post stream, ike makes you stay online on discord to give a call.
"yes, ike?"
"do you wanna collab? i have an idea for a song for the two of us."
Shu Yamino 🔮✨
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tsumiki - phony | Neru - Becoming Potatoes | wowaka - Unknown Mother-Goose
the first song, phony, requires a lot of energy and finesse, but not so serious so you still seem like you're having fun
even shu thinks that song exhausts his own lungs
so to see you sing phony, not breaking a sweat but still nailing its atmosphere with the biggest smile on your face brings a sort of exciting comfort to the sorcerer
and the fact you're singing one of his favorite vocaloid songs brings him back home
from the other side of the screen, shu watches you continue to have fun on your commemoration of a special milestone on your channel and the more his heart feels so close and comfortable with you
he's the sorcerer, what magic were you casting upon him, huh?
because shu won't be admitting the fact that he feels like he wants to hold you and keep you to himself for the rest of the day
okay maybe he will later, but come on you were busy :<
the final notes of phony finally comes to an end and you heave an exhausted breath, but despite it, it was obvious that you were still happy and full of energy
shu smiles, contagious
Shu Yamino [NIJISANJI EN] 🔧 : that was so good babe good job!
upon seeing his name in the chat, you smile, "hi shu and thank you."
HI SHUUUU
SHU X Y/N POGGG
Shu Yamino [NIJISANJI EN] 🔧 : they have a good taste in music chat, this stream is gonna be super pog
you chuckle at his comment, "admittedly, shu has been introducing majority of the songs i'll be singing today. what an influence."
though that response was but of mere casual saying, shu felt... proud?
"alright, our next song! hint, it's actually a song commissioned for project sekai. the lyrics are... interesting to say the least, but the music is so well produced," you explain, typing on your keyboard to prep the instrumental. "any guesses?"
the chat begins to insert their many guesses, varying in titles
Shu Yamino [NIJISANJI EN] 🔧 : is it potato ni natteiku
Y/N L/N [NIJISANJI EN] 🟢 : YEAH IT IS LMAOOO
that song, as you said, had its music very well produced indeed. shu thinks it's super catchy and whenever he listens to it, he can't help but bop his head a bit
Shu Yamino [NIJISANJI EN] 🟢 : man that song is so good and relatable lol Y/N L/N [NIJISANJI EN] 🟢 : do u wanna join in then? let's duet shu!!
shu's fingers drop onto his keyboard, void of any strain as he looks at your message. wasn't this your stream? weren't you the one who reached this milestone?
what had he done to be offered this rare chance?
imagine singing his and your favorite songs, and enjoying them with the chat...
felt like it could be your own world
Shu Yamino [NIJISANJI EN] 🟢 : you don't mind??? i mean i'm cool if you're cool
his heart beats against his ribcage and that wave of feeling at home, nothing in the world could bother him, washes over shu again
it's that temporary moment in his life where everything is going to be alright and that he's rly found what he's been looking for all his life
Y/N L/N [NIJISANJI EN] 🟢 : yeahh!! come on!
seeing you so enthusiastic, there was no way he was going to refuse you so he clicks on the appropriate button and he makes himself known to the chat
HI SHU
UWAHHH SHUUUU
"so, he actually guessed my next song right so for that, he gets to sing with me," you giggle, causing shu to laugh alongside you
"that's because you're too predictable, y/n."
"how can i not be when you're the one teaching me all these songs, huh?" you pout
that's about true, shu thinks as he merely grins
"alright, i got everything set. you ready, shu?"
he takes a deep breath and spares you one glance. you smile at him. that was all he needed to muster up the courage to sing with you, for you and the world you two built together
"all good."
like everything else was
the song begins, the chat sends your respective light sticks and among all the good chaos, you hold out your hand out to shu
the hand he takes and lets you lead away where you're going this time
shu takes the lower note while you take the higher, creating a wonderful mesh of contrasting tones
smiles decorate both your faces, which bring a happier atmosphere to potato ni natteiku and the adrenaline inside shu rushes faster than before
like two hearts beating at once, you and shu sync in together with vibes not far different from one another. you bob your head at the same beats and pause at the same time
cliche as it may sound, the sorcerer has never felt more fitting in this life and truly grateful for what he has
you especially
so when the song ends, shu wants nothing more than to experience it all over again. to feel that rush of adrenaline, but also that comforting sense of home.
but he knows, as he watches you pant from exhaustion, that he will get that chance once more in the future
"you good, y/n?" shu laughs
you nod, taking a sip of your water. "yep! you?"
he smiles. "yeah, amazing."
Masterlist!
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vega-creates-things · 11 months
Text
Muse (Part 3)
ROTTMNT Leo x GN/Rabbit Yokai!Reader
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Warnings: Fluff, Embarrassment, Aged-up Turtles
Synopsis: You've been visiting Run Of The Mill Pizza maybe a little too often just to see the blue clad turtle of your affections and draw him. You're pretty sure he hasn't noticed you at all, bad news for you, he has and he is far too curious about why you watch him.
A/N: I'm not sure how many parts of this I'm going to do, but let's enjoy this story while its still going on, yeah? Honestly I'm just trying not to jump ship to a different Leo x reader story that I'm DESPERATE to write... but I digress!! This is a repost from my old side blog since I wanted to make a main blog for this stuff. Let's get this show on the road.
♡♡♡
The days had gone by pretty quickly, and at this point you had begun wondering if maybe, just maybe you should cave and show Leo your sketchbook, maybe it would be fine… you were a little surprised by his dedication to figuring it out… maybe it would be fine. Okay- yeah. You would show him, just to reward his dedication. The moment you had come to the decision a worry had started to bloom forth in your brain. What if he stopped talking with you entirely after he got what he wanted? As much as you liked to think the two of you had become much closer over the course of four weeks, what if he didn’t actually feel the same way…? What if his kindness was solely to butter you up?
No! No. You were assuming things, letting your fears and anxieties talk you out of your decision. Besides, if all he wanted was to see the sketchbook and he left afterwards, then you didn’t need him in your life… but it would hurt- If it is not meant to be it is not meant to be. It wasn't like you were dating anyway.
You took a few calming breaths, walking along the pathway through the group of street vendors and the crowds that surrounded them. You just needed to get to the one that sold what you were looking for, hand made crystal necklaces. They were nothing special of course, but you had always loved the way they looked and had finally saved up enough for one at your part time job.
When the stall finally came into view you relaxed, squeezing through the last bunch of people with a quiet apology before making your way up to the doberman yokai behind the stall who was currently in the midst of writing in a small black book. You smiled a bit. “Hey, Alden.” You greeted, watching the way he instantly closed his book and folded his hands neatly on his lap, looking up at you with intrigue.
‘Y/n! It’s quite good to see you again,” he insisted, smiling ever so slightly before he began to speak again, “where have you been? I was beginning to miss our daily talks.” He leans forward, book set aside as he rested his elbows on the table, resting his chin on his hands while his docked ears pointed eagerly in your direction. From the sound  of it, business hadn’t been great lately.
You smiled in response, chuckling and fidgeting with the strap of your leather satchel. “Well… I’ve been busy, making a new friend-“
“Ah, replacing me.” He shook his head, chuckling to show he was only teasing, his hand over his heart in mock offence.
Instantly rolling your eyes, a smile that reaches your eyes spreads across your face and you relax at how easy and comfortable this is. After all, Alden had been your friend for years, practically since you were both kids. “Oh hush, no one could replace you, drama king.” You hum, eyes flitting over his wares and you swear you see the curiosity bubbling in his chocolate coloured eyes. “So, I was hoping to get a necklace with rose quartz?” You offer, your gaze having lingered on the crystal for a little longer than you’d realized. You hand him the money for it, having become acutely aware of his prices from spending time here constantly.
Alden pauses at that, any teasing comment he was going to say being cut off by a bewildered expression as he tucks the money away. Nevertheless, he lets you pick one of the rose quartz crystals he has on display and then carefully winds some wire around it to make a little pattern and also hold it securely in place before putting it on a black wax cord that has simple metal clasps. “You know…” he begins, already standing to help put the loose choker necklace on you. It still takes you by surprise at how much taller than you he is. “Rose quartz is one of the most sought after love stones.” He murmurs, carefully hooking the necklace on you and adjusting it to sit properly.  “It’s meant to build trust, tolerance, and true unconditional love… So who is it then?” He muses, moving to lean against the side of his stall, head tilted.
You feel your face heat up the moment he explains the gem you had chosen. It wasn’t like it was your intent to pick a love stone, you just thought that one was pretty, you had felt drawn to it! “Oh- I- um…” You feel your phone buzz and swallow thickly, having a pretty certain idea of just who that might be, eyes darting down to the pocket of your denim jacket before meeting Alden’s unintentionally intense gaze. “Just… some guy I met… He’s- he’s really sweet… and funny-“
He holds up his two toned black and tan hands in a placating gesture and grins at you for a second, before moving back behind his stall and digging through his collection of rings, murmuring to himself. Soon enough he comes back around the stall and takes one of your hands, sliding the silver ring into your hand. “Green aventurine. For luck- in love and life in general.” He lightly taps the perfectly glossy and rounded gem in the centre of the intricately designed olive branch shaped band.
“How much is-“
“Free. You’re my best friend, dumdum. I’m giving you this for free.” He hums, huffing in surprise when you quickly hug him tight around his torso, burying your face in the soft fabric of his v-neck black sweatshirt. Alden can’t help but smile, holding you close, one of his hands resting on the back of your head, softly rubbing his thumb between your ears, earning a soft purr from you.
You pull away after a moment and look up at him fondly, already easing the beautiful ring onto your your thumb. “You’re the best, you know that, right?” You inquire, pausing when your phone buzzes again. You don’t want to be rude though, so you don’t answer it just yet. 
Waving you off dismissively, Alden just offers you a simple smile, gaze gentle as he pats you on the shoulder and then moves to sit in his chair once more, putting his feet up on the small milk crate you know is behind there so he can sit bunched up. “I think someone is trying to get your attention.” He hums, flicking one of his ears in the direction of something behind you, a bemused smirk finding its way to his face showing that he has a feeling on who it is.
You glance in the direction he had gestured in and pause at the sight of Leo weaving through the crowd and attempting to get your attention by furiously waving his hands. Growing slightly flustered before glancing back to Alden, you move to speak, but soon a new customer grabs his attention and you’re left with the knowledge that your best friend is 100% able to tease you about your crush.
Shaking your thoughts aside, you turn smoothly and wander over to one of the silk scarf stands where Leo is squirming through the crowd. You begin wondering why he didn’t just portal over to you, fully aware of his special skill since he had used it countless times to startle the hell out of you and try and get the drop on you. Shaking your head, you move to carefully guide him through an opening you had spotted. “Now why would a turtle with portalling abilities not use said skill to get out of that mess? You inquire, tone lighthearted and teasing.
Rolling his eyes, Leo offers you a cheeky smile, nudging you playfully. “I wanted to go it the old fashioned way.” He shrugs. You can’t help but notice the way he is glancing behind you in the direction of Alden’s stand. Before you can comment on that, he quickly brings it up for you, “so who was that? Your boyfriend?” He casually asks, starting to walk with you to look at some of the other stalls clearly not as familiar with the wares as you are.
“Oh, he’s just an old friend of mine. We’ve known each other since we were really little. More like a brother, really.” You offer, not at all missing how he seems to relax ever so slightly at that… but, that can’t be right. No. You imagined that. Why would he be tense about the possibility of you having a boyfriend? Because he wasn’t, obviously.
Leo nods to himself. “Cool, cool, cool-“ he began, pausing after a minute or so and then gesturing at your new necklace. “That’s new- pretty. It matches your nose!” He muses, referring to the pink splotch on your otherwise dark brown nose- one of the small things that normally made you a little self conscious about your looks. He seemed quite pleased with that realization, glancing into one of the stalls with intrigue.
You sit there for a moment, dumbfounded and gently kicking a rock off of the dirt path as he looks at the sweets, but you quickly shake yourself out of the flustered state you had begun to enter, carefully fiddling with one of your ears by softly brushing your hands over it. “Oh-! Um… thank you.” You murmur, noting the amused smile he offers at how flustered you got. “I recommend the  meringues.” You offer quietly. “The ones Donna make taste exactly like roasted marshmallows.” 
The idea of that alone seems enough for him and he quickly purchases two of them, not missing how the woman behind the stand seems to look between you both with intrigue, thought the familiarity towards you is what intrigues him most. As you’re walking away, he takes one of the pale gold sweets out of the small parchment bag and gestures the other one to you. “I got you one.” He offers lightheartedly. “Mm, also! Do you know everyone who works here or something?” He inquired, already taking a careful bite out of his meringue after he had assured himself that you’d taken yours.
Shrugging and guiding him over to a bench, you easily sit down, looking over the sweet with a bit of a far away stare. “Well, yeah. I do know everyone that works here. I used to spend all my time in this place, people watching.” You admit, noting how Leo has already finished his dessert while you hadn’t even started yet, quickly making work of it since it was only small anyway.
The slider quirks a brow, nodding to himself and sitting in deep thought, leaning himself against the back of the bench and even resting his arms on it in a very open gesture that has your face heating slightly, after all, in the movies you’d seen that was normally always a way the male love interest would wrap his arm around his love interest. “Huh. So why did you stop coming here as often?” Leo asks, glancing at you curiously.
You shrug again, not exactly wanting to admit to him that he was the reason. “I got curious about Run Of The Mill and discovered I really like their pizza.” And by pizza, you totally meant Leo. Sorry Hueso.
He nods in understanding, drumming his fingers on the backing part of the bench behind you for a moment before he notices you fidgeting with your bag a bit. “You okay, Y/n?” He inquired, soft concern lacing his usually confident voice.
You swallow thickly, not looking at him as you remove /the/ book from your bag and hold it out to him. It’s only when it has been a few minutes of just holding it there that you turn to look up at him, almost confused by his own confusion. “You can look in it-“ you urge quietly, nearly entirely loosing your nerve, especially when his gaze leaves the book and he instead completely locks eyes with you and shakes his head.
“Nah. I don’t think it’s time.”
“What…?”
Leo smiles slightly, standing up and widely stretching. “You’re giving in because of how much I bug you about it- probably telling yourself you’re giving me it to see as reward for how dedicated I am to my cause- or something like that.” He chuckles at that, not looking back at you just yet, not until he starts speaking again. “I want you to give me the book to look through when you actually feel comfortable doing it. I don’t want you to force yourself just to make me happy.” There’s a sincerity to his words that has your heart lodging itself in your throat and thrumming so loudly you can hardly hear it as he offers you a simple, “bye, little rabbit.” With a flashy wink and smile before swiping his sword through the air and disappearing into the bright blue portal before you can say anything.
Your hand that was holding the book goes slack and the object falls to the ground with a soft thud as you simply stare at where the portal was. That was new. You had thought Leo would jump at the chance to finally sate his curiosity, but apparently you had misjudged him.. expected the wrong outcome. Part of you wondered why he had denied himself, but you do know that you appreciate how he wants you to give him the right when you’re actually ready and not just “giving in” like he had said.
Boy… you were down bad.
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cosmicpines · 10 months
Text
Hi, this is my Code Swap for @lilcuppacoffee! I'm so, so sorry this is so late. I struggled a lot figuring out what I wanted to do with your prompts. I ended up combining two of them in a way I hope works well.
Yumi’s cell phone buzzes, and years of biweekly near-death-unless-you-act-NOW reflexes make her dig into her pocket, heart immediately pounding, until her brain catches up to her gut and she remembers that they’re all safe now. She could ignore the text, finish reading her book. She could be a bad friend, a frustrating teenager and suffer no worse consequences than someone being a bit annoyed at her. She didn’t have to face a potential message that she had to make a decision that she wasn’t sure how to make, even now. She could just –
Buzz.
Her heart pounds again, and it’s so stupid it makes her roll her eyes. “Yeah, alright, you win, phone,” she mutters, taking it out. Two texts from Aelita greet her:
“Hey, do you want to go to the mall in like an hour?”
“I know this is sudden, so no worries if not.”
Yumi’s midway through punching out a reply – yeah, sure! I wasn’t doing anything anyway. Where should I meet you guys – when another one comes in.
“Just the two of us?”
Yumi pauses over the send button for a moment. She had assumed that this was a lunchtime group discussion she missed because she wasn’t on campus today. Deleting the last word of her message, Yumi has a pit in her gut that she can’t seem to get rid of.
Pushing forward, she sends her text, and Aelita replies almost immediately.
“Great! : ) I’ll meet you by the bus stop at Constellation.”
Yumi smiles at her phone, and puts it back in her pocket, still feeling uneasy and not sure why. She fitfully tries to read for another half hour or so before she needs to walk to the bus stop until she gives up. Bookmarking her book, she stands from the floor, sliding her phone back in her jeans pocket. It takes her until after getting her bag, saying goodbye to her parents, putting on her shoes, walking down the street, and seeing a group of two girls laughing with each other to realize what’s bugging her.
She and Aelita haven’t hung out alone practically ever.
One of the girls is teasing the other one about her singing, which she hems and haws at a bit before breaking into a fit of giggles. Yumi passes by them, tearing her eyes off as soon as they could see her. Not that it mattered, she realizes as they pass by – they’re too busy paying attention to each other, too busy having a free and easy conversation with each other. Yumi scowls as they go by.
“Nothing worth worrying about, Yumi,” she mutters to herself, pushing the thoughts away. “Come on, you can handle this.”
Aelita’s already at the bus stop when Yumi gets there, waving. It’s late spring, the first day of the year where you can get away with not wearing a jacket. Yumi’s wearing one – a black leather jacket she picked up off a thrift store rack, falling apart but comfortable – but Aelita isn’t, dressed in a pretty pink coat over a purple dress. She’s carrying a huge, empty bag.
"Planning on buying a lot?” Yumi asks as comes within earshot, and Aelita giggles.
“Yes, actually,” she says, a wicked sparkle in her eyes, “I’m planning on buying a new wardrobe.”
“Oh, what?” Yumi widens her eyes, “Why?”
That was a stupid response, Yumi scolds herself, but Aelita just laugh. Before she can answer, the bus pulls up. They both clamber on board, awkwardly putting money into the machine by the door. The bus is absolutely packed, and there’s only one free seat. Yumi points her thumb at it. “You want it?”
Aelita nods – “Thanks!” – and sits, leaving Yumi holding onto the hanging straps as the bus starts moving.
The bus is anything but silent, between the loud rumble of the bus’s engine to the chatter of people talking to each other. Yumi silences the anxieties bubbling in her stomach by speaking, “You know, I did the same thing when I started at Kadic.”
“Oh, really?” Aelita looks up, still smiling. Yumi sees her put her phone in her pocket quickly, “You mean you weren’t born goth?”
“Haha, very funny. But yeah, my parents were cool about it. Starting a new school, they wanted me to be happy. I’m sure they were more expecting I’d try to wear things to fit in, but I was never a big fan of that.”
“Mmm, yeah,” Aelita’s staring out the window, “I was homeschooled, so I never had to worry about that kind of thing. One time, though, I – this one girl I knew, I think she…” Aelita furrows her brow, her sentence trailing off. The city reflects in her eyes, and her face drops to a dull, quiet look. After a moment, right when Yumi’s considering saying something, Aelita shakes her head and turns back to Yumi, grinning widely. “Well, it doesn’t matter. We’re almost there.”
And before Yumi can say anything, Aelita stands up and walks to the front of the bus. Yumi watches her, and mutters to herself, “What was that all about?” before following her friend’s lead.     
The mall is smaller and smellier than Yumi remembers it being, but, then again, she hasn’t been here in several years. The sparkling-white floor sticks ever so slightly to her boots as they walk through the halls alongside crowds, ignoring stands of people selling knick knacks or eyebrow waxes. Yumi struggles to keep up with Aelita, who is walking determinedly forward, seemingly having a goal in mind. They walk past some of the stores Yumi would usually peg as more of Aelita’s style – preppy, light colored clothing with smiling models in the windows – and she’s trying to figure out where she might be going when Aelita makes a sharp right and Yumi has to hoof it even more to keep up.
“Jeez, Aelita,” she mutters, seeing that she walked into just about the edgiest store Yumi’s ever seen, and that’s saying something. It smells musty, like the employees are wearing a pound of body spray each. They’re older teens, all wearing thick black eyeliner and aggressively trendy clothes. Aelita’s easy to spot with her bright hair among the rows and rows of dark clothing, and Yumi catches up to her.
“If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were trying to give me the slip,” Yumi half-jokes, but Aelita has the decency to look sheepish as she flips through shirts on hangers, pressing a button on her phone through her pocket.
“Ah, I’m sorry,” she says, pulling a semi-transparent black shirt out, “What do you think of this?”
“Not really what I’d call your style,” Yumi answers.
“Perfect,” Aelita nods, hanging it over her arm. “Help me pick out some more stuff like that.”
She’s got a wicked little smirk on her face, and Yumi’s taken aback for a second before laughing, “Alright, princess, if that’s what you want, let’s go for it.”
The nickname feels foreign on Yumi’s tongue, despite having heard it a million and a half times, and it sends another uncomfortable anxious pang through her stomach. Aelita meets her eyes for a fraction of a second, eyes widening, but after a moment, laughs with a smile that doesn't quite meet her eyes, continuing to dig through the racks.
Together, they gather armfuls of the most garish clothing in the store, joking and snarking the entire time. Every item is either pitch black, a garish neon color, or a pattern that hurts to look it. There’s a bucket full of hair accessories – feathers, pins, clips, cheap hair extensions – that Aelita just picks up and carries with her. The employees look at them with judging glances and snicker behind their hands. It makes Yumi want to call them out, but Aelita seems completely unconcerned, moving through the store with a determined look on her face.
Finally, Aelita’s apparently endless desire for clothing satisfied, she heads to the dressing room. Yumi sits on the bench outside, having not picked out anything for herself.
“Thanks for coming,” Aelita says through the door. Yumi can hear the rustle of clothing and the clatter of hangers as Aelita moves around, although she can’t see her friend.
“Of course,” Yumi says to the door. “Though, I’m not sure you’re accomplishing getting a new wardrobe out of these things.”
“Oh, come on, Yumi!” Aelita tuts, “How is… hold on…”
Yumi hears the sounds of a zipper being done and undone and hears Aelita quietly swear to herself, and it makes her snicker. After a moment, the door opens, and Aelita steps out, dressed in a ridiculously overcomplicated mess of zippers, fluff, and belts. Every movement makes the zippers jingle.
“How is this not peak fashion?” Aelita asks with a smirk, and Yumi fails to stifle a laugh.
Aelita looks at herself in the mirror, and Yumi has to admire the calculated look in her eyes. She’s not just doing this to look goofy, she realizes – she’s actively assessing what she does and doesn’t like. Yumi’s heart skips a beat as she realizes Aelita’s not joking around. Whatever she’s looking for, she’s serious. Furrowing her brow, Yumi stands and walks over to the mirror, humming quizzically.
“Well,” she says, “I think the jacket is pretty good, all things considered. The shirt,” she gestures to the shirt, which is bright green leopard print with artsy tears in it, “Definitely not with that skirt,” she points to the checkered black and purple pattern, “Clashes like crazy. I’d pick one or the other.”
Aelita nods, “I think I like the shirt. I wear too many skirts; I was hoping this one would be different enough I’d like it.”
“Really? You, too many skirts? What happened to you asking Jeremie to put that little skirt on over your new Lyoko outfit?”
Aelita laughs, but there’s something forced about it, and, after a moment, rushes back into the changing room. The sound of clothing rustling starts up again, and Yumi’s left looking at the door, mildly surprised. She and Aelita might not be as close as they look to be on paper, but even she can tell the girl is upset about something. It’s the way she keeps smiling after every sentence she says but cuts conversations off. It’s how Yumi keeps seeing her phone screen light up in her pocket. Something happened; she just can’t tell if Aelita is trying to get her to ask about it or is trying to talk about anything but.
“Hmm, Yumi?”
“What?” Yumi blinks, shocked out of her momentary daze.
“Can you get me these pants the next size up?”
A pair of black jeans flies over the top of the dressing room, and, instinctively, Yumi leaps forward to catch it. She goes wide, and her boots screech against the floor as she balances herself.
“You alright?” Aelita asks, “Sorry, should have made sure you were ready!”
“No, no, I’m fine!” Yumi says, “I’ll get it for you.”
As Yumi goes back to the store, she frowns. After a moment’s hesitation, she pulls out her phone and texts Ulrich.
“Hey, did something happen with Aelita?”
While Yumi searches for the right pair of jeans, her phone buzzes.
“Not that I know of?”
“Huh. She’s acting kind of weird.”
“Weird bad?”
“Weird upset,” Yumi texts with one hand and flips through pants with the other, “Do Odd or Jer know anything?”
“Haven’t seen them today. Been at soccer. Do you need me to find them? I can make an excuse.”
“No, I don’t want to make a big deal if it’s nothing. Or if it’s one of them.” Yumi pauses a moment, before texting, “Thanks, though. You’re sweet.”
She knows Ulrich well enough to know his face doesn’t match his text, which just says, “np”. Allowing herself one moment to smile at her phone, she finally finds the pair of jeans she needs.
They spend the rest of the afternoon like this, going from store to store, trying a huge variety of fashion styles. Aelita makes a wide breadth from any store of her typical style, and Yumi’s happy to indulge her, even if she knows next to nothing about fashion. The bag on Aelita’s arm increasingly fills with shirts, pants, accessories, and shoes. The one thing Yumi pulls her away from is a hairdresser advertising quick dyes – “No permanent changes on a whim, that’s a rule,” – and, despite her momentary protest, Aelita goes with her.
Yumi becomes increasingly aware that something happened, though. Every time the conversation drifts to the guys, Aelita snaps it back to anything else – her new clothes, school, gossip, dinner plans – with a huge, fake smile. It reaches a point that it’s grating on Yumi’s nerves, but she keeps going along with it.
It’s late in the afternoon and they find themselves in a department store. Yumi’s exhausted, but Aelita’s still looking for something formal, so they decide on the one last store. They walk into the section with dresses, and Aelita walks around the models, arms clutching on the huge bag. Both of them are chattering with each other about nothing in particular but Yumi’s watching Aelita carefully. She walks by a pink dress and grabs at it instinctively, rubbing the fabric between her fingertips. Her eyes sharpen, and she lets go, stepping away purposefully, walking across the room towards a black one. Yumi hesitates, frowning, then follows Aelita. They find a dressing room in the back of the store that a sleepy attendant lets them into; no other customers are anywhere nearby.
“One last one, thanks again,” Aelita apologizes, before closing the door.
“No, it’s no problem, really,” Yumi says, taking a seat. The familiar sounds of clothing rustling begin, and Yumi drums her fingers against her leg.
“Do you remember Ms. Hertz’s unit on titrations?” Aelita asks, “I think she teaches it pretty poorly. I was just saying to J – well – I –,”
Yumi hears her fumble over Jeremie’s name, and, finally, gives in, “Aelita, are you okay?”
There’s a moment where only the muffled music from the main area of the store plays, alongside the clicking and scraping of clothes and hangers in the changing room.
“Yeah, it’s nothing.” Aelita finally says.
“No,” Yumi cuts into the silence that follows, “No, I get enough of this ‘yeah, it’s nothing’ nonsense from Ulrich.”  
“Well, he's emotionally stupid. I’m fine.”
“Aelita,” Yumi insists, standing up and approaching the changing room door, “I don’t appreciate being lied to.”
She gives Aelita a moment to reply, but, not doing so, Yumi continues, voice growing in volume, “You’re completely changing your look, ignoring anything that you see that looks anything like what you normally wear. You keep talking about nothing, directing all conversation away from the guys. You asked me to go the mall out of nowhere, when we basically never hang out. Something is wrong, and you’re refusing to tell me.”
Yumi breathes out, frustratedly. Aelita continues to not reply, but she’s stopped moving around, too. Yumi stands on the other side of the changing room door, wishing she knew how she could reach her.
“I broke up with Jeremie.”
Yumi’s eyes widen at the door. “You – what?” she says dumbly, her mind drawing a blank.
After a long moment, she hears the quiet pat of Aelita’s feet against the floor, the rustle of clothing on a rack. “Yeah,” Aelita says.
The door opens, and Aelita’s wearing the black dress. It’s long and ruffled, brushing against the ground, a few inches too long. She’s staring determinedly at the floor, not making eye contact as she pushes past Yumi to the mirror. Yumi turns, looking at her own reflection in the mirror.
“But… why?” Her heart sinks, and she’s suddenly angry as possibilities flash through her head, “Did he do –,”
“No,” Aelita interjects, quickly, snapping her head up. “No, he’s fine. It’s not that. It’s…”
She turns back to the mirror, staring. Her arms are draped in fabric that looks so unlike her; a choker from several stores ago is awkwardly around her throat, and she keeps picking at it. After a minute, she speaks up, “I… don’t know what it’s like to not be with him.”
Yumi doesn’t understand what she means, and it must be obvious on her face, because Aelita continues, “Like… I woke up on Lyoko, and he was the first person I had ever seen. He was so nice and cared so much about me immediately,” her face is bitter and downcast, “And he liked me, and I liked him back. It was all so easy and perfect. He brought me here. He gave me money and an identity and everything. He even found my father and my past.
“But… just because… I…” she swallows, and Yumi can see tears beginning to form in her eyes, which she angrily rubs away, “I… don’t know who I am. I’ve only defined myself with what you’ve all given me. You’re Aelita, you’re our princess, you’re our angel. You’re my daughter. And don’t get me wrong! I’m super grateful to all of you. You’ve given me a second life and I – I –,”
Aelita trails off, then laughs, shakily. “This dress looks terrible,” she says, with a shaky laugh, “I’m trying too hard.”
She brushes past Yumi to go back into the changing room, but Yumi grabs her arm.
“You want your life to be your own,” Yumi says, her face hard, “You don’t want anyone else to decide who Aelita Hopper – or – Schaeffer –,”
“Stones,” Aelita interjects, pulling her arm free, “Aelita Schaeffer is dead.”
Yumi’s stomach clenches, and she watches helplessly as Aelita reenters the changing room. After a moment, though, where she can hear Aelita changing again, she purses her lips.
“Good.”
The sounds stop. “What?” Aelita squeaks, bewildered.
“Good!” Yumi reaffirms. She isn’t sure if this is the right thing to do or say, but it’s what her gut is telling her to do, so she presses forward, “You’re not her, then. That’s fine. You don’t have to be Franz Hopper’s daughter or Jeremie’s girlfriend or any of our friends just because we landed in front of you.”
Aelita doesn’t answer, and Yumi barrels forward, “We can go dye your hair, if you want. We can burn your wardrobe. We –,” her voice catches, and she hesitates, “You. You can do these things. I – you don’t need me, if you don’t… Are you going to leave?”
The question is absurd; Aelita’s an eight grader with no family and no money. She couldn’t leave Kadic if she wanted to. But the thought of Aelita just being gone makes Yumi’s stomach drop out from beneath her.
The door scrapes open, and Aelita stands there, back in her own clothes, arms full of the clothes she tried. Her eyes are bright red, but glaring, and her lip wobbles, clutching her vain attempts at being someone else tightly in her arms.
“Yumi,” she whispers, angrily, “I invited you here today, didn’t I?”
Yumi looks back at her, and nods, slowly.
“I’m not… I thought about this,” Aelita sniffs, loudly, “Augh, why – am I –,”
“Here,” Yumi starts going, “I can find a tissue from the bathroom –,”
“No,” Aelita suddenly barrels into Yumi, and Yumi staggers. The bag of clothing hits the ground, and Aelita wraps her arms around Yumi, shaking and crying. After a moment, Yumi, hesitantly, wraps her arms around her too.
“No,” Aelita whispers, “No, I’m not – I’m shouldn't cut you all out. I’m not going anywhere. Not yet, anyway. I’m going to find my own life, but I know for sure I want you all to be part of it. Especially you,” she hugs her, tighter, “We’re supposed to be best friends, the two girls in our friend group, but we really aren’t. I’m changing that first.”
Oh.
Yumi, swallowing down sudden tears of her own, hugs Aelita back. “Alright,” she whispers into her hair, “Let’s do that.”
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mandos-mind-trick · 11 months
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On Soulmate Rejection...
Oh boy, you're gonna make me write about this pain.
@freesia-writes wants to know so I cannot be held responsible for the absolute heartbreak in this one.
Okay, here we go.
So, the soulmate bond in the Force is sort of a tangible thing. Even to non Force-sensitives, it's still something they can feel. I've mentioned I think in every one of the fics that they can feel the bonds, feel them strengthening, etc. The yearning, the desire, all of that is felt along the bond, and the closer you are to your soulmate, and the more you work on the bond, the stronger it is.
It's sort of like the idea of the red string of fate that is prevalent in a lot of fics. Some even have it as a literal string that can be seen. In this AU it's sort of a string in the Force that connects the two, but it's not exactly something one can seek out. A Force-sensitive may be able to sort of use the bond as a guide to locate their soulmate, but it could be argued the Force meant for them to do that anyway, so it is really them doing it or the Force allowing it.
Anyway, when soulmates meet, obviously they become aware of the link between them to a degree. As time goes on, regardless of if they're feeding the bond or not, it will begin to strengthen and kind of poke at them until they do take action. Those with more metaphysical bonds like dreams or telepathy will have a stronger initial bond due to them having already met in a sense versus those with marks or other sorts of physical bonds.
That all being said, rejection is not something that's easy.
In the Crosshair fic I sort of hinted at it having to be a willing decision. It's true, you cannot force someone to reject their soulmate. It has to be a willing decision by at least one half of the soulmate pair.
And no, beings cannot even be programmed to do it, as the Kaminoans figured out.
Not just clones and Jedi rejected their soulmates, many others chose to do so by their own free will. It's not an easy choice (unless you really are that evil) but it can be done by anyone for any number of reasons.
Rejection happens in phases.
The first is the actual verbal rejection of your soulmate bond. It has to come from a willing decision, it has to be wanted. There has to be soul behind the decision. Something along the lines of "I reject you as my soulmate" is said, and the bond begins to unravel and break.
It's horribly painful for both involved. It can feel sort of like a heart attack, or a stab to the chest. One may feel like their heart is beating irregularly, breathing may become difficult. Pain begins in the chest then radiates outward through the entire body. Every nerve is alive and screaming as the body rejects something that's been there since birth.
It's an entirely conscious process. No matter how bad the pain gets, you never pass out. You never forget either.
The pain lasts a maximum of 30 minutes, depending on how developed the bond was at the time of rejection. Once the pain fades, the second stage begins.
There's an unmistakable emptiness after a rejection, like a piece is missing from somewhere deep inside. Which, in a sense, is exactly what happens. Some may experience panic, anxiety, a feeling of dread while their body and their soul attempt to adjust to this sudden hole inside. Others don't feel anything, which can be just as jarring.
The second stage lasts up to a week, depending on how developed the bond was at the time of rejection.
Then the third stage begins. This stage may last an entire lifetime. Others may find ways to recover from it, such as the Jedi who use meditation to gently ease away the pain. Some turn to other therapies, good or bad.
While the physical pain eventually does leave, the feeling of something missing doesn't. Always you feel the hole, the missing part, the thing that almost was but was ripped away instead. Some claim you can't even feel emotions fully like you could before. That just the ability to feel has lessened.
Some liken it to a deep depression that will never leave, that isn't treatable. Always the reminder is there of what could have been. One always carries the emptiness of missing the other half of their soul.
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icanseethefuture333 · 2 months
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A reading on
iKON (OT7):
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What has the group's dynamic been like since B.I's departure?:
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Oh wow so when I was shuffling my cards fell and the ace of cups was at first upright then it swiveled in reverse. I feel a lot of anxious and jittery energy as well. So I feel that B.I was the member who would "blend" the group together, he was a good mediator and if there ever was an issue he was able to solve it. I also feel that he was like an authority figure. B.I brought structure and stability to the group. I also feel that perhaps some members were closer to each other than some other members and he was able to help them form a bond (I feel this is particularly in regards to Chanwoo?). The members did not feel upset with B.I leaving iKON but more so the circumstances. I felt that they knew if he stayed his mental health would of declined even more. I feel that since B.I left the group, iKON could feel the need to compete with each other? The members who are less popular get less opportunities in comparison to another member who is more famous (most likely Bobby). They could be struggling financially wise. This feels very sad actually because iKON had to always fight for a chance to be in the spotlight despite coming from such a prestigious entertainment company but they got screwed over more than once. They feel as if everytime they reach to the top or celebrate a moment of success, they just hit rock bottom again. iKON feel disheartened by this but there's no where else really to turn to when it comes to making an income. I believe the ace of cups turning around could mean they went from a dynamic that was loving and affectionate to a business partnership. So at first the group could have really felt like a group of close friends but because the constant grief and struggling (I heard trauma bond?), the members' focus is now on new beginnings and creating financial stability for themselves. They are willing to work with each other still since there is trust established here.
Is B.I still close with the members of iKON?:
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Oh boy 😅. Honestly you know how some people just need to fight it out to resolve an issue? This is what I see here. So when B.I was still a member of iKON they felt he was suitable to be the leader despite being so young in age but overtime his immaturity began to show. B.I was well articulated, punctual, and logical (I heard cut throat so he's someone who gets straight to the point). I heard "I stuck my neck out for them" so maybe B.I fought for a lot of the things that iKON has now. For example, let's say YG was not really letting them perform or publish certain songs B.I would assert himself and be the voice for his team. B.I could have also made sure the members stayed out of trouble when that was not necessarily his responsibility due to them being grown adults. I felt there was a brief period where B.I went through isolation and also depression? So he was just not as talkative or really closed off from the members. "I felt something bad was going to happen to me". B.I could have intuitively known or started having premonitions before the scandal was going to happen, or he kept having anxiety about people finding about the drug situation. I believe some of the members even got suspicious about it but B.I would lie so he could cover things up. I feel that this was Bobby especially who started getting suspicious of his behavior. "I knew something was wrong but everytime I asked him he wouldn't tell me anything and say that "nothing was wrong." He never allowed us to help him. This situation could of been avoided if he just let people do damage control." I feel that Bobby in particular was pissed about this because they were like brothers and he felt that B.I really fucked up what was going good for the group. He also understands that he was struggling so it's just that Bobby is upset because his friend didn't let him help him when he needed it the most and also ultimately sabotaged his own success but also the group's success as well. Which tbh I think that is a fair and valid reaction. There is also more to the story that we haven't heard about or seen as well. Legally, neither B.I and the members of iKON can talk about it due to contract reasons. They aren't as close because of the NDA that was signed and it basically forced them apart. They could also have lost most of their rights? It's possible YG owns their master's to their music or something. I feel that the group had a meeting? Perhaps iKON had to speak with a manager or legal advisor when B.I left and I'm just seeing Bobby shake his head in response. Something really shifted and changed the group's dynamic since then. I feel that B.I and iKON would need a intervention or someone to bring them together to hash things out and talk again.
What did Bobby mean by his comments about B.I on Instagram?:
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😅 I feel like whenever Bobby thinks of B.I he gets mad all over again. I believe he does love him and care about him but it's just a triggering subject for him. He is unable to think about the good memories of him anymore because of the consumables that Bobby had to deal with. Bobby saw what people were saying about ot6 or ot7 and he wanted to respond quickly to that because he honestly didn't want to hear it. "Why talk about the same old shit? We moved on, they should too." Bobby understands that the way he spoke in regards to B.I was blunt and not necessarily the nicest thing he could have said about him since the scandal and his departure but its because he feels anxious. Yunhyeong, Donghyuk, Jinhyeong, Junhoe, and Chanwoo are also members of this group yet people keep hyper focusing on B.I and iKON, Bobby & B.I + iKON, or Bobby + iKON it aggravates him because they feel their dismissing their hard work and efforts of being in the group. "I know everyone has their bias and stuff like that but people don't realize how it's not just me or B.I who worked hard on our music. So when people say things like "ot6" or "ot7" whatever, it just feels like they're focusing on *their* ideal vision of what the group should be and that's not how it is. All this attention on me or him is unbearable sometimes". I believe now that Bobby was able to state how he finally feels, he wants to let go of the past and focus on healing his resentment from his own actions and also B.I's.
What was B.I's reaction to Bobby's comments?:
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These two are like that couple who break up and fall in love again 💀. So B.I cares about Bobby and I feel that they are slowly trying to rekindle their friendship with another but there's moments when that animosity shows up again so whenever Bobby does get triggered or forced to remember how B.I hurt him, he can be petty or lash out his anger on him in the process even if he's not the reason why Bobby is upset. So when B.I saw the comments he said about him on IG it did sting but B.I is the kind of person who can dish and also take it. So when someone gets upset with him or scolds him it's nothing new to him but B.I does refrain from getting confrontational because he knows in this situation he is to blame. "He's not wrong at all but I wish he could move on from the past because I feel like it's affecting our ability to grow as friends." B.I is waiting for the right moment to reach out to speak to him but if Bobby hurts his feelings again he might just withdraw from talking to the members altogether. I feel that B.I is currently in fight or flight mode and is trying to heal from this situation since it also triggers him as well. He is very sensitive to confrontation right now and could be feeling like a "coward" in that aspect. It just feels unfair to him because all of the members are upset with him and it makes him feel cornered. "Everyone can be upset with me but who can I be upset with? Nobody but myself. It puts me in a bad place mentally and emotionally." B.I could be struggling with feeling like a victim when it comes the situation with IKON. He should learn to forgive himself and accept that he cannot change his past in order to move on.
Is there a possibility of B.I and IKON seeing each other again/ reuniniting?:
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It's honestly up in the air right now 💀 I feel that they overall do wish to see each other again but there's mixed feelings. One member (possibly Junhoe) doesn't want to be bothered because it would bring up a lot of old baggage, another member is being stubborn and just wants to focus on his own success (Bobby), and a few other members feel more hopeful and optimistic about it (Chanwoo, Yunhyeong, and Jinhyeong)? One person (maybe Jinhyeong) is trying to break the ice and create that path to communication again but it's hard because there's a energy that feels reluctant. It's also difficult because B.I is banned in the kpop industry so it's like if they interact with him it could negatively affect their image. It's a "damned if I do, damned if I don't" type of situation 🤷🏽‍♀️. Some of the members care about rekindling the friendship while the others are focused on their career and being a financial support to their families. Overall, it seems they've come to terms with B.I being gone and understand that business is prioritized over feelings.
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fayoftheforest · 1 year
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rating the main five based on how sickly i think they’d be <3
(AKA I’m on my fourth cold since september and if i have to suffer then so do my blorbos)
Stan: 4/10. He gets nauseous quite a lot, but that’s typically to do with his anxiety and less a stomach bug. When he does get sick, he will keep powering through his daily life as if nothing’s the matter, until some kind soul goes “Woah, dude, you don’t look so good,” upon which he will realise that he doesn’t feel so good either, and then he collapses into a heap and crawls into bed until he’s feeling better. He has asthma, so sometimes that makes respiratory-related illnesses stressful and potentially dangerous, but he’s got a reliable stock of inhalers, and 1+ very stressed out caretaker(s), so he’s alright in the end, and usually recovers pretty quickly.
Kyle: 8/10. With canon and fanon as my witness, I do declare that is one sickly motherfucker. From the first snowfall he’s sniffling, and it doesn’t stop until the last of it has melted. But shitty immune system be damned, this boy can work a cold denial! He will keep strutting around no matter how down bad he is, insisting that he’s fine, like he’s genuinely fine, like no that wasn’t a sneeze followed by a painful coughing fit, you must have misheard, and yes his nose has always been that red, that’s perfectly normal actually, and get your fucking hand away from his forehead he’s not FEVERISH he’s FINE. Once he’s finally been wrestled into bed, he will lay there feeling deeply sorry for himself and worrying that he’s going to infect his caretaker(s), until he gets sidetracked contemplating all the things he has left to do today, and before you know it he’s puttering about the house again, and the cycle continues. 
Cartman: 3/10. He rarely gets ill, but you wouldn’t know it. It’d be too easy to dismiss him for a hypochondriac, but he knows exactly what he’s doing when he starts his woe-is-me speil over some suposed sickness. Over the years he has perfected faking illnesses into a fine art, to the point where unless you had good reason to be suspicious, you couldn’t separate his coughs, sneezes and general sickly presentation from the real deal. We’re talking Ferris Beuler level trickery here folks!! He generally abuses his talent to get out of school, work, or any unwanted responsibilities, but when the opportunity presents itself he will conveniently accidentally “sneeze” right on the back of germaphobic Kyle’s neck. Which is received about as well as you’d expect it to. (With rage, and threats of violence :)
Kenny: 6/10. The total opposite to Cartman, Kenny gets sick a little more than most, but is a master at concealing his illnesses. Kyle wishes he was on Kenny’s level. This guy could be on the brink of death and the only thing that would call attention to it is him ever so slightly clearing his throat, and then quietly apologising for it. If anyone does figure out that he’s sick, he won’t deny it, but he’ll certainly downplay it. He does not no how to handle sympathy directed his way, and reacts to any attempts at caring for him with awkward gratitude and a constant reminder that they really don’t have to be doing this right now. But, if shown just the right amount of kindness, he will break down sobbing because everything hurts and he’s just so exhausted and he misses being able to breath through his nose. After that he will fall asleep, and when he wakes up he’ll feel a bit better but extremely embarassed, and start apologising all over again.
Butters: 5/10. For once, he’s the most sensible of the bunch, because when he comes down with something, he’ll take a few days off until he’s back on his feet. But by god is he clingy when he’s sick. If you are not with him, he will be constantly texting you. If you are with him he will still be texting you because he may have lost his voice, but he’s still got plenty to tell you!! He also begins to feel very touch-starved, and becomes a lot more touchy-feely with others, which is welcomed by some, tolerated by others, and loathed by Kyle, because god fucking damn it Butters keep your icky germs away from him :(((
Anyway yeah those are my headcanons! I’d love to hear your own personal ratings too. Might make a part two for CATG if people are interested in my soft, loving sadism :)
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clunelover · 4 months
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Okay great, I get to do the intensive outpatient program (half days - mornings) for anxiety/OCD. Starting in a few weeks. I now get to figure out what exactly I say to my boss and when. I’ve done it before but it’s been a long time!
For any of you who didn’t follow me back when I did this - I had terrible PPA after C was born. All my usual anxiety shit was ratcheted up, and I had some new things that seemed to have sprung up due to the Las Vegas shooting happening during my maternity leave. It finally got bad enough that social worker BFF said I should consider treatment.
At the time I did PHP (partial hospitalization - ie full weekdays) and then stepped down to IOP. I think it lasted 10-12 weeks between the two.
The program included some amounts of CBT, DBT, mindfulness, and art therapy, with the bulk of the time being spent on ERP (exposure and response prevention). Just doing exposures to trigger anxiety and sitting with it until it reduces at least by half. This is why I say I don’t want to go back - that shit is HARD. But it really works. Those of us with this flavor of anxiety get in a thought trap where we think anxiety is unbearable and that it won’t go away unless we [insert unhealthy behavior or ritual/compulsion]. But in fact it will eventually go away on its own. I just need to retrain my muscles for tolerating discomfort.
For me, some of the specific exposures were:
- for fear of being wrong, tell someone an incorrect fact on purpose (my favorite was “Massachusetts wasn’t one of the original 13 colonies.”)
- for fear of people thinking I’m weird, face the “wrong” way in an elevator
(Most of these things were done with employees at the facility. Not just random people on the street or something. Oh although one of my things was to send a work email without checking it for typos).
Eventually I built up to something they called “interroceptives” which were activities meant to simulate physical feelings of panic, like spinning in a chair or trying to breathe through a cocktail straw.
Anyway, when I did it the first time, I remember it gave me so much freedom. So many things I’d thought impossible or too scary, I could do. But the disinclination to sit with discomfort can creep back in.
I think my current issues are different than last time I went in! Back then I was still working as a statistician, so I had very specific “I’ve forgotten everything I learned in grad school” thoughts. Now that I do a different type of job, I’m more secure (although less so again with new hard to read boss). My current issues are much more social in nature. I can’t bear talking to other Girl Scout moms. All my friends actually hate me. Etc.
And more agitation about things needing to be “just right.” Almost all household chores except laundry are too overwhelming to start. Anyway, I’m pumped to get it all sorted out! And I hope my favorite mental health specialist is still there although that’s unlikely cause I think it’s a high turnover job. But we shall see!
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