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thatdeadaquarius · 1 year

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Al haithem leads the creator to the oldest known record of human language. A stone that has "sus" etched into it.

a h –

💀 stop this madness- what do u want from me,, aHH- what do u waNT- PLEASE-

I KNEW AS SOON AS I TYPED THAT SHIT OUT SOMEONE WOULD ASSAULT ME W/ MORE CURSED MEMES ON ANCIENT STONE SLABS I TOOK THE CHANCE ANYWAY IT WAS A MISTAKE-

Omfg. Awful thought:

Everytime there's a modern "update" on memes and trends and slang, Teyvat finds like another documentation of it 💀

Sumeru archeologists (Creator specific ones would exist too i would think..) is an absolutely reliable field,

Bc unlike here, those stone slabs or murals just keep showing up deep in sand dunes or hard to reach nature areas (like enkanomiya etc), and are made in order to "reflect/update" to our modern lingo bc it needs to keep a record bc its "Teyvat history" to them 😭

(Like the world itself is adding that shit, and the Irminsul wants to know)

Stop no get of my head no more thought head emtpy

Its the wine yall i gotta go to bed-

♡

Also heyyy, u may have noticed i have slowed down, i am mostly sad not bc of yall pressuring me not at all, im just ready to not be a student anymore!!

Bc I got uni starting back up again/senior semester graduation, so kinda crazy + car trouble this week :/

Anyway, ill be updating more on the weekends!!

So if ur interested in my insane ramblings, look out for my ass groovin out to yalls asks / requests on the weekends :)

(🚧Also cant wait to be working on those 100 follower event postssss *construction noises resume*👷✍️🚧)

Cheers,

🌒🌧🌊Aqaurius♒️🌌🌘

#car trouble is so defeating #so sad #bc the usa isnt walkable #hate that forever <3 #always wish that would change #anyway #love u guys #:)#yall make my day seeing all ur asks and enjoyment #of my spiral into insanity <3 #ask box open #genshin impact #genshin sagau #my asks #sagau #genshin sagau ideas #genshin isekai #genshin god reader #shenanigans

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puppyeared · 8 months

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learned something about myself lately

#i dont think its even the fact almost all my characters are somewhat beasts in one way or another. i just #really like tails and wish i had one myself #and then my oc designs are a little tame theyre mostly human shaped with animal features. but they always have tails #my eyes have recently been opened to the appeal of long whiplike unicorn tails.. so flowy and curly #something about the tuft at the end being long and swirly just does something for me..#maybe it would make sense to change auggies tail shape so it looks like a meteor. her design is mainly pink with hot pink accent #so it would be cool to use that and orange to make it look like a fire meteor.. maybe itll help complement the blue/green in her design #head full of ocs today so expect a ramble later #if i had a tail i think it would be long with a kink. so it kind of folds over once but not in a curl #when it wags its kind of a swaying motion. i have thought about this a normal amount #yapping

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fuckmeyer · 14 days

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the choice between Edward & Jacob is not a question of which relationship is healthier or which partner is best suitable for Bella. neither is correct. neither is best. neither produces a happy ending for Bella. at the end of the day this is still a vampire novel. any choice Bella could make would yield, at best, a bittersweet happily ever after.

if she chooses Edward, she gets the terrifying Breaking Dawn ending: a girl who rejected her call to grow up has hung her love & her eternity on an emotionally stunted partner who hates himself marginally less than he loves her. she's a teen mom with a kid she never wanted who perpetuates the generational trauma passed down from her parents. by keeping this child, the Cullens have set the stage for an uprising/cold war against the Volturi who are likely to take revenge in order to maintain power. Bella is living in a tenuous "dream come true" wrapped in a nightmare & doesn't realize it.

choosing Jacob is the true coming-of-age ending that rips the stitches out of a wound that never fully healed. even if we ignore the fact that she ends up with a man who sexually assaulted her (we must bear in mind Jacob's character is influenced by smeyer's racism, but it did happen), they can't have a secure romantic relationship. based on the high imprinting rate of the pack, Jacob will likely find his imprint in his lifetime & will lose himself to the imprintee. he will no longer be her Jacob. he will inevitably abandon her (whether he wants to or not), & she must reconcile with the reality that she will always be inadequate to Jacob's imprint. & say he never manages to escape the vampires? he will presumably not age for a long time, meaning the relationship Bella always feared with Edward (her being an old grandmother while he stays forever young) remains a possibility. this is the story of a girl who slaps a Band Aid on an open wound & calls herself healed while flinching every time she sees the shadow of the knife that cut her.

if she chooses neither (team therapy), her healing requires her to lose or be at least partially disconnected from everyone she cares about. Bella must spend the rest of her life shut out from one world while never fully existing in her human world ever again. she must always keep secrets. she can never go back home. even in the unlikely event that she manages to escape the Volturi, the threat of being hunted by vampires will never leave her. in addition, she must face her worst fears (aging, losing Edward) while always keeping in mind the immortal life that could have been hers, if only.

even the "healthiest" option produces scars that will never quite heal.

Twilight is a horror. Twilight is a vampire novel. Twilight is gothic. Twilight is fiction. neither Edward nor Jacob is a "bad" choice because neither will give Bella her happily ever after. the choice between Edward & Jacob is simply a matter of which horror story you prefer to read.

#twilight #twilight renaissance #bella swan #the twilight saga #edward cullen #twilight saga #twilight meta #not to be a downer but the edward/jacob feud is silly #i understand this feud will continue in perpetuity because controversy & drama will always garner attention in online spaces etc #but the idea that either of these men will provide the happy story some people in this fandom want is an illusion #because no matter what happens The Twilight Saga still operates in the context of the vampire/gothic genre which by design can't produce #a 100% happy ending. the vampire itself reflects the inner anxieties of a society - & isolation & change & death - etc.#these are anxieties that can be alleviated thru vamp media. they can be escaped but never solved. which is part of the horror of the genre #The Horror Will Not Go Away #& in this respect Twilight is NOT the exception to the rule.#'oh but it's a YA romance so-' yeah so the black walls get wallpapered. they're still black underneath & nothing changes that #i wish we were able to debate the choice between Edward & Jacob while still bearing in mind neither choice is wrong #i think this fandom would be a lot less toxic & mean to each other for no fuckin reason but oh well

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avephelis · 10 months

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THRASHING TYKE (fairy/dragon) and IRON ROVER (normal/ghost)

so, as some of you may recall (since i asked for your input), i've been designing paradox fakemon !! i really like when new forms are given to middle-stage or under-utilised pokemon, so togetic and furfrou were easy choices.

thought it'd be fun to imply togetic took a while to get airborne, so thrashing tyke ended up being sort of an inversion of usual togetic qualities! and iron rover is, of course, inspired by laika (hence the ghost typing).

anyway, pretty happy with them for a first go at fakemon rendering 👍👍

#avepharts #fakemon #pokemon #paradox pokemon #paradox fakemon #togetic #furfrou #if i did it again i'd probably stand by changing togetic's legs to be more raptor-ish (like the rex sketch i showed)#but that's more a personal taste thing than it not fitting existing design conventions #and fun fact togetic IS one of my fav mid stage evolutions and ive always really liked furfrou too (and wish it didn't get done so dirty)#actually more rambling i imagine iron rover would bounce around like it's in zero g and thrashing tyke would have one of those like #cartoonish flintstones runs

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stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale · 1 month

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favourite twdg villain?

I'm a fond enjoyer of the St. John's as villains. I don't know if they're my favorite just because they're only in one episode, but I love the concept of this family almost immediately jumping into cannibalism toward the start of the outbreak, dealing in human flesh to bandits, and casually feeding this group their friend's legs.

Like... what the hell was this family like before the outbreak that all three of them were like, "Hey now listen... nothing should go to waste, the dead are eating people so why shouldn't we? We gotta survive and in our defense, we only target those who were gonna die anyway... like y'all."

Dude, Mark was shot in this shoulder with an arrow. He wasn't going to die from that injury. It's so fucked that these seemingly friendly people took the group into their home and then fed them Mark's legs.

If we take the idea that everyone is infected and have the capacity within themselves to become walkers, to become monsters, then the St. John's were infected long before the outbreak, y'know? Not literally, but something was wrong with them and the outbreak just further spread that infection and changed them.

But again, are they my favorite? I dunno if I can say that since I have a lot more appreciation for Lily now. Yeah, some of her writing gets a little wonky in ep3 of TFS when she goes on her monologues and shit, but y'know what? I'm into it.

You have to remember who we're talking about and the fact that she's the antagonist; Lily isn't some anti-hero in TFS who secretly has a heart of gold that's brought to light because she reunited with Clementine... she's a fucked up woman who did fucked up things in the name of survival. She's full of rot now. She sees kidnapping children and turning them into soldiers to protect her home as a means to an end, but she doesn't actually give a shit about the people she's taking. They aren't people to her, they're as the episode title suggests, toys in her game. The only one she sees as a person is Clementine, and while that makes her hesitate at first, she sees Clementine's a prize to bring back.

She remembers what happened in S1; her father had a heart attack and as she tried to save him, Kenny smashed his face in with a saltlick and then expected Lily to just stand up and help him get back to his family because "he did what he had to, he made the hard choice." Yes, Larry was a piece of shit. No one liked him, and you can even question Lily on him and she'll tell you that he has a lot of pain. Yes, it makes him an asshole, but he's still her dad and he's all she has. I mean... the simplification is daddy issues, but in all seriousness, I don't doubt for a second that many of Lily's issues stem from Larry being a shitty father to her.

Then everyone thought she was losing it when she insisted there was a traitor in the group, which she was right about, but she was unstable. She was unwell, but how do you help someone like that when you don't have training to go about it? Then Lily ends up killing either Carley or Doug and the group turns on her, and either she's left behind or she steals the van and runs away.

Then we don't know what the hell happened to her until we see her again in TFS, but like... a lone woman with decay festering inside of her joining the delta? Exposing her to their methods? I mean, what else did she have to lose? She had nothing, she lost everything, and she has a lot of issues. Survival is easy when you're numb, when you don't care about the individual; they're all just cogs churning to make the system run, and if a piece doesn't cooperate, you get rid of it and find a new one.

Plus I think there's something to say about Lily not wanting to be perceived as weak again. That whole display she put on in the cells? Telling the story of what happened to Minerva and Sophie? I get the criticism that it feels like Lily did a 180 between episodes but like... yeah dude, because it's a performance. It's not just her and Clementine anymore. It's a display of power and authority. She's playing the part and thriving in it as she ensures everyone else is terrified of her.

But then when Clementine and AJ get the upper hand? Again, she's not afraid to play up the pleading to earn enough sympathy to spare her- hell, just to let their guard down enough to strike and get the upper hand again. I mean, she's got nothing else to lose, right? If she doesn't go for it, she'll be killed and sure, you can kill her anyway but at least she tried.

Honestly, I look at Lily in TFS and still see that scared little girl playing the tough bitch, just like Carley said in S1. It's just now escalated from "tough bitch" to a downright vile person. She's so... lost? I suppose? Lost within herself and the monstrous means she's taken to survive.

I get the criticisms of how she was used in TFS, but for me, it's like when people complain about Minerva not getting the redemption arc she supposedly should've gotten, y'know? There's no saving her. Lily was never on our side, and there was no getting her on our side. She wasn't ever going to redeem herself. Even if you spare her and she drifts away on her raft, can someone like her actually find redemption? Or will she just find another group that'll feed into her rot?

Truly, I say let her be horrid. Let her be the piece of shit villain with a few fleeting moments of humanity. Let her drown in the blood she's spilled.

#asks #twdg lily #twdg andy st john #twdg danny st john #twdg brenda st john #twdg clementine #twdg minerva #twdg mark #twdg larry #twdg kenny #i know i used to complain about lily in tfs a lot years ago but past cj complained about everything tbh sksksks #now i'm just like babe lily's interesting as shit like not every villain needs a redemption arc just because you think they're hot #and don't wanna feel bad or because you want her to be like she was in s1 when she was sympathetic like... it's been years #that's like being mad that clementine isn't the same person as she was in s1... the difference is we got to see clementine grow #but what happened to lily is a mystery... but that doesn't mean she didn't change especially for the worst #i dunno sometimes i look at lady antagonists in media and then look at people's reactions and i'm like.......... hmmmm #c'mon now- if kenny came back in tfs the same exact way then y'all would be foaming at the mouth insisting he's complex #and morally grey and he's just really sad about his family dying and really he's a sad widdle meow meow but also the best villain #who should be spared because he always cared about clementine and aj and he's just traumatized and sad and amazing unlike OTHERS #like.................... okay sure mmhmmmm #side note but the worst thing about kenny is the fact that he IS a brilliantly written character but his stans tend to just be the worst #anyway i like lily she's a great tfs antagonist like i recognize there are some weak spots and i wish she has more of a presence in ep4 #if she lived but y'know... gotta make room for minerva being the final bridge boss so... yeah

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starflungwaddledee · 2 months

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What Starstruck Dee theory have people made that is your favourite?

there have been quite a lot, and i genuinely love them all!

early on i think the most popular theory was that she was possessed or had been possessed at some point, most likely by dark matter. she actually debunked this theory personally, but i think people just assumed she was lying! 😂

my favourite part is not any one theory, but watching a shift in thoughts over time as more things are revealed, and seeing people share theories/work together in comments and reblogs. i like the "OOHHH WWWWHAT...!?!" moments a lot; whether they are a reaction to my storytelling or to other folks' detective work!

early theories revolved around how she was weird for a waddle dee, or at least a native of popstar. despite my never explicitly confirming anything to the contrary, theories have now broadly shifted to assuming she is not from popstar at all, and most people do now generally agree she's not really a waddle dee.

i don't recall exactly who first came up with each theory (though some big players are @the-void-is-a-disappointment who did a huge amount of early deetective work and encouraged me to build it as a story for solving, @shibuya-toasted-with-extra-cream, @graycoin and @jojo-schmo) and i'm not sure which of these theories are still held by anyone

but here a few of my favourites, roughly in order that they started appearing...

♻️ she's a total mimic species like kirby or void, copying things around her either by intent or by accident 🗑️ similar to above, but she's an incorrect copy or a "beta" mock-up type of a waddle dee 🧚 that she was just born different, like a fae changeling, and might have been hidden away when young as a result 🕰️ she is something totally inorganic and/or mechanical, created by or like the clockwork stars or stardream, perhaps wish contingent 🥇 sometimes attached to the above, she was created to serve some sort of Greater Purpose. she might have failed at it or been flawed, and was subsequently discarded on popstar 🌠 a dozen and one wildly different things connected to the "falling star that hit her". alien life form on the meteor transferred into her on impact. infection by intergalactic bacteria/dark matter. simply massive concussive trauma that fucked up her signature (back when we thought that was the only thing wrong with her). the star was magic and fused with her. she hatched from it and is literally a star herself. probably missing some here. 🪐 waddle dee from a different place/planet. this one is quite a sensible theory, given that we do see many quite different dees! 🤍 she is a fragmented piece of void/void termina. this one in particular i know is @shibuya-toasted-with-extra-cream 's ongoing theory and she's put in a lot of really cool work towards it! ⚔️ she's somehow connected to the heroes of yore. this theory i think has only started popping up since galacta knight has become a reoccurring visitor in her storyline and we've started asking questions about her familiar looking magic spears, but you can certainly 1hko @moonverc3x with this one 🧿 she's connected to the matters. sometimes soul, because it's sometimes star themed and lacks a token representative. where as a connection to dream might link her to fecto forgo/fecto elfilis in some way (a creature also well known for a catastrophic meteor attack). i've also seen folks confident that she's connected to heart matter as well, probably again due to everyone's favourite grumpy swan showing up

this is all i can think of or locate right now, but there's been a pretty wide range of things. i feel there has been a rather interesting transition over time from "she's a messed up waddle dee" to "she's probably connected to a universal superpower of some kind" which i am genuinely really really thrilled about?! 😂 what a glow up for a pathetic little wawa!!!

i'm also personally really fond of seeing how people's existing biases influence what they can find and draw connections in. for instance: i know @jojo-schmo loves the forgotten land and elfilis, and digs into those connections and draws out some really cool stuff because her knowledge is already so specialised! i think this is the true highlight of working on this story for me, people theorising and engaging in the lore, and laser pin-pointing things that tie into our personal faves-- the way we tend to do with kirby lore as a whole-- is such uninhibited delight

i sincerely hope people will enjoy where starstruck's story does go, in the end!!

#starstruck dee #asks #🎀🔍#i will say that more than one of these theories holds water! some of them more than others.#some of them are indeed dredging the ocean.#i will actually say one thing regarding one of the meteor theories...... “she hatched from it and is literally a star”#<- this WAS actually her Very First original concept when she was “Just A Sona”. she was a literal unalive star who watched everybody--#having fun on popstar and wished to be alive to join them and feel joy & love. this is a very personal narrative to me and appears lots in-#my sonas and works. it's a fairly simple and basic backstory that would have required no further development or held no real mystery!#once i realised she was developing beyond sona-exclusive status and i was purposefully building a ~mystery~ it changed.#so it's no longer her backstory or relevant in any way; and it hasn't been since before most deetective work has been happening.#just thought y'all might enjoy it as a little bit of Deep Hidden Lore!#sorry also for pinging many folks in this wall of text; if i knew i was referencing a theory of yours i wanted to credit you is all #please just lmk if you'd like me to remove your url at any time!! as always i'm so grateful to everyone who likes starstruck or weighs in!#this kind of engagement is so new and exciting to me and it means more than i can say. i hope i can weave a fun story for you!!

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biohazard-inevitable · 26 days

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Hair

They say that hair holds stories, that the style is what makes a man.

They say long locks make you a pansy and a real man should have it short lest they be mistaken for a girl.

Where I grew up, every man buzzed their hair down.

It was a shame for it to be long and shaggy, and mothers would fuss over you, insisting upon a haircut.

For girls, it was fine.

They could have hair as long as they wanted or as short as they needed, so long as it wasnt buzzed as short as a man’s.

Being anything else just wasn’t a thing round these parts where churches chimed every sunday, pastors clammoring around resturants and filling their quotas in a single lunch.

So I buzzed mine.

I tried as hard as I could to seem as manly as possible

To appear as bull of a brute as any cowboy should.

I wore all the boy things and had all the short boy hair.

My scalp was sensitive anyways, so I thought it didn’t bother me.

It was better shorter.

Wasnt it?

I still gazed and clammored about the anime boys I saw on screen or in Otome games though.

I gushed about how pretty they were with hair down their backs like a silken curtain, or whipping wild through the air like the mane of a lion.

Legolas was never deemed as not manly enough

Beither was Zen or inuyasha or the undertaker.

A crush, I supposed.

Because of course thats all it was.

I was a gay little boy with gay little crushes and my type was men with long, Beautiful hair.

Right?

My hair was a dull, discolored brown from the shimmering blonde it used to be, the blonde I remember from kindergarten.

I tried to return to that blonde with bleach.

My school didnt allow unnatural colors, so anything was better than that matted, oily brown.

Shaved short and as platinum as a ken doll, I should have been as man as ever.

4 years, I stayed like that, and while the short hair was easy to take care of, I felt as hideous as a pile of sludge.

It didnt matter if I was loved for my looks, I supposed.

Wouldn’t that be too vain of me?

Boys weren’t supposed to care about what they looked like, they werent supposed to coo and admire Beautiful hair or seethe in jealousy that their sister looked so much better and has such long, goregous hair.

It wasn’t until after high school that I began to explore.

Covid let me grow my hair out more, though I still trimmed the sides.

I let my bangs grow long and shaggy over my face, like a veil to hide me from the world.

Eventually I dyed it again, this time going with that green I had always wanted to try, the one I had seen on my favorite youtuber growing up, fluffy and emerald.

Still, for years more, I kept it short. Only allowing that fringe to hover over me as some sort of style.

Recently though, I’ve realized I want that hair that those anime men had.

I want that soft curtain rolling down my back like waves of an ebony river, flecks of mossy green dotting it like a miasma of toxin flowing through the oily black stream.

I want the hair like the ring girl

The people around me are foolish and prudent to think the length of ones hair makes you more or less of a man.

I know that now, and I’m glad I do.

I want to stop pretending not to like things

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iphigeniacomplex · 1 year

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disco elysium (2019) | you want it darker - leonard cohen

#another one .. another one. i have things to say about this game that arent the final dream i just adore how the final dream has #your actual thoughts betraying the set-up format #much like how the game betrays its own format in high-pressure high-impact scenes like the pigs the tribunal and ruby #because you SUCCEED. you WIN. but you can't change what has already happened #and what will always happen #you could put the entire stanza this bit is from with various parts from disco elysium and it would make sense. how i wish i could draw #like yk what mr cohen there IS a lullaby for suffering AND a paradox to blame #YOU WANT IT DARKER? WE KILL THE FLAME!#it speaks!#disco elysium #leonard cohen #web weaving

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dacrekayd · 2 years

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someone make a fic about eddie not trusting that steve is actually a good guy who wants to be friends (and more) and keeps being a dick to steve out of self preservation and no one noticing how much steve is hurting and how he’s slowly pulling away from them and retreating into himself bc he knew it he knew he wasn’t good enough he knew he’d never be good enough for anyone not his parents not nancy not his stupid high school friends and definitely not eddie fucking munson who looks at steve like he’s the scum at the bottom of his boot and calls him King Steve, and Your Highness in the most derogatory way he can manage but it’s never Just Steve and it makes steve feel so so small and he’s just so tired and emotionally rung bc he really liked eddie and he really thought they could’ve had something amazing and soft and sweet and he’s just so heartbroken that this amazing man hates him so goddamn much

#and then steve just can’t take it anymore and he just. stops trying #he doesn’t try to be friendly with eddie anymore he doesn’t acknowledge him when they’re in the same room #he flinches when eddie pats him on the shoulder once #and eddie thinks he just can’t stand his touch #and he feels sickly vindicated #like i knew king steve would never want the freak touch him i knew he hadn’t changed #and steve is just so tired #he can’t even feel comfortable around his friends anymore bc eddie is always there with a snide comment or a vicious little smile aimed #soley at steve and steve just wants to go home and cry #being alone sounds better than whatever fucked up thing eddie is going to do to him today #and the worst part is no one fucking notices #no one notices how mean eddie is to steve #and steve knows #knows that he’s not important enough to be paid attention to #but it still hurts #and steve just wishes eddie were a little more like billy #steve would rather take another plate to the head than to listen to eddie’s cruel little remarks again #this got away from me i wanted a happy ending but i guess my period was like no happy. only angst #steddie

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goldensunset · 1 year

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it's all been said before but something something riku is the element of change and kairi is the element of stability cuz riku wanted to leave the island above all else while kairi didn't really care she just wanted to stay with her friends above all else no matter where she was (and of course sora was kinda in between) something something the moral of the story here being that some things in life have to change while other things are meant to last and this is why both kairi and riku are both so important to the heart of this story cuz they represent that duality. we can't stay on this tiny island forever as innocent kids. but the island and what it means to us will always be there. y'know

#of course i hope riku can learn how to chill and find peace and i hope kairi will get to have her own journey of a sort #i just mean that overall what we've got is pretty good actually #i like it #the destiny trio may change in shape here and there as their lives change #but i think they'll always be together no matter what happens #that comment from nomura about how like. sometimes you have friends when you're younger and then when you get older things change #i don't think that has to mean you guys break up as friends. not at all! it just means what it means. things are different now #you're different people you interact with each other differently now but the love is still there throughout everything #it's a really really good message honestly. that quiet sort of pain is something that i feel most media never discuss ever #it's such a common feeling i wish more shows and games and stuff would include it #anyway. destiny trio beloveds #kingdom hearts #mine: kh

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genshin-impact-updates · 1 year

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"Akasha Pulses, the Kalpa Flame Rises" wallpaper series is now available!

Travelers can click on the link to download the full set.

https://hoyo.link/d8a2BCAd

#genshin impact #genshin impact updates #official #genshin impact news #wallpapers #i wish they would post these after the livestreams because i wanna change my header asap (for the hype)#and the graphics they post at first are always so low-quality

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iwritenarrativesandstuff · 4 months

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on my quest to find more books to read this year, there's been something kind of heartwarming to see that of the books on hold at my local library, or on the weekly bestseller's list at my local bookstores, there's always at least one book up there that's about Palestine. It's at least nice to see that some people in my area want to learn about the historical context of what's happening now, and learn far more than what a few posts on their feed can tell them. It makes me hope that public perception will continue to change for the better - and that the kind of support I've seen in my area won't die down immediately after a ceasefire is called

#storyrambles #palestine #i'm always hesitant to make any posts about palestine given my lack of personal connection or deep knowledge beyond the #continuous reading i've been doing #but idk. i wondered if this might be nice to see for people who do have a connection and feel discouraged.#and well. i don't think there needs to be a personal connection for one to feel happiness in this sort of situation #it needs to be so much better than it is currently. but i'll be honest #i really thought these protests were going to peter out very quickly after they started. that people would say 'it's a shame'#but not act. i've seen the same thing from previous outrage.#and i think that's because outrage doesn't carry as long or as strong as knowledge does.#eh i'm rambling again. i guess it's just nice to see people caring. even when the people who should speak for us civilians do not.#it's a mixed bag of emotions.#all my love to everyone affected by this. i wish you didn't have to be as strong as you are.#but for as long as you have to. i'd like to stand strong with you. and i hope that's enough to see real change.#ceasefire now

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catkin-morgs-kookaburralover · 7 months

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"i mess up things and then i don't have the energy to fix them up" yes brain true sentence but no brain the appropriate response is NOT "therefore i should kill myself (and here's how)"

#tw suicide #i wish i was joking #i am just so so tired of keeping myself alive! can't someone else do it for a change? or better yet kill me??#said something to the emergency room psych #she queried it and i confirmed i had said precisely what i intended #she blinked and said 'i usually hear that from jaded forty year olds not twenty year olds'#i won't share what because it was a highly specific explanation of precisely how i might see myself suiciding or how/whether i thought i #could. she asked me and i answered. apparently she wasn't expecting that level of detail and confidence #is it funny to anyone else that i always struggle with confidence but i can confidently tell her specifics about suicide thoughts?#this is reminding me of the fifteen year old yesterday i was conversing with and he randomly started listing all the suicide methods he #could think of and i was internally like you missed a dozen i can think of. didn't say that obvs #i don't know i am. tired. of everything. and i had a long and good conversation with an older woman from church last night (mother of the #boy. i have confided in her before she's great)#she's hte only person irl who now knows about the second suicide attempt (tho she doesn't know it was the second) and she was encouraging m #to see the psych and escalate care #but all day ive been regretting telling the psych or bro or anyone honestly #it would be so much EASIER to have said nothing and gone through with my plan #i wouldn't trust myself not to rn if i had access #i mean. i know multiple ways in this room i could kill myself. but i won't #there's a couple of specific methods that are most of the thoughts usually so they're the specific ones i gotta watch out for more if that #makes sense #ooh gosh im rambling i should shut up xD #personal #puddleglum hours

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needylittlegirl · 2 months

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surely it isnt a bad idea to watch romcoms when im already on the verge of tears just because i want to be held

#im fine its just the sunday yucks #and like baby fever from being with my niece #i want to be loved and i want to be held and i want a a family and i dont want to be scared of everything anymore #i know im young and its too early for all of that but im just tiiired if i could just fast forward just a few years i would #people always tell me like i’ll regret wanting to grow up so fast and i should cherish this age or whatever #like its my prime i shouldnt wish away my youth #but like #i never liked being a kid i was miserable then #ive Always just wanted to grow up and get it all over with so i dont have to be afraid of the future anymore #like if i get it over with and grow up and even end up living a life i hate atleast I’ll Know #like i wont have to wonder #and the guilt i feel now of like knowing that i Could be changing everything for the better but im too scared to do that #i wont have to have that guilt anymore cause it’ll be over and done with #tbd

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saturnvs · 5 months

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i dreamed that i visited my childhood riding school. my favorite horse poked his head out of his stall and greeted me. i ran to him and petted him. i swear i could feel his warm breath and his fur, it felt so real. i'm not sure where that dream came from but i woke up nearly crying.

#i also don't know why i'm telling you about it #that sweet pony died after an accident #he wasn't even 10 years old #i think he must've been my first heartbreak #i remember when he was on rest and stood there in his stall with huge pink bandages on his front legs #i used to sneak in just to pet him and give him some treats #one of the instructors worked part time as a veterinarian and sometimes i would watch her change the bandages #he usually stood with his head hanging and his eyes closed during that period of rest #but always perked up when someone came in to see him #he was so kind #and i wish i had more time with him #i should paint him again

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darken-hollow · 22 days

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Welp I feel awful

So I been trying to figure out my gender for a while but the one thing that I’ve always came back to is that I’m a man, and so I told my mom this (for some context I have said I was using like they/them or she/they pronouns before but wouldn’t ever correct them because they would always say it’s hard when they would never use the right ones and I just stopped at a certain point) and so I told my mom how I wanted my hair and she asked why and I told her because I identified as a man and wanted it short again and she legit said “fine but I’m not calling you a he” and like I knew she wouldn’t she never did and she says she supports me being me but hearing that from her really does upset me and makes me feel awful

#I was legit surprised the one time she called me what I preferred (AJ)#transgender #trans man #trans male #small vent #never going to guess that I have mommy issues #but yeah I fucking hate her and my dad sometimes #like they wear all these supportive shirts and what not #and always say they support #but then get upset when I try to correct them on what pronouns I use or what name I go by #I mean I been going by AJ for at least two years now if not longer and they still call me by my deadname or my old nickname #it was a pretty fem nickname to #like I get it can be hard AT FIRST but it’s legit been years for my name #I’ve never changed what name I wanted to use besides AJ and a few small other times #I thought if I changed my name to something starting with the same letter as my deadname then I can just use my initials with them #but NOPE!#can’t even do that #I fucking hate them I wish they would support ME and not just say I do #anyways #guess who kins Barney from dead end

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