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timechaser · 2 years

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i let this thought go tonight and it will never see the light of the moon ever again so here goes every thought in my mind abt the poppy war trilogy. mind you, a lot of this is just nonsensical dabble and incoherent babbling bc i cant ever form coherent thoughts but whatever.

id pay big money and wage a thousand wars to go back in time and yank every material object out of my hand and out of my reach to ensure that i never even wondered abt the trilogy's existence. it's not that i regret reading them because they sucked--no, far from it. it's not that i led myself blind and didnt take the extra precautions to make sure that i was in the right mindset to read them. i knew what i was going into, what ch21 was withholding, i knew how graphic and how heavy they would be to read. i retreated to my room and poured a stupid amount of hours staring at a screen, at a bunch of words, and feeling such bizarre emotions.

that being said, i love runin. i love how bold she was and how persistent she was despite having her bones kicked inwards from quite literally every person she has let into her life. i love how she was a proper morally grey character, a heroine led astray and betrayed by her very own thoughts. i love her bc even though she was the anthropomorphic personification of a god, she was still human. at the end of the day, what killed her wasnt a higher being, it was the self. that part of her arc cemented her place in my top list of female book leads. i love rin because she was human through and through, all the sides of it, she was everything. reading her was a tough pill to swallow, but a necessary one because she is proof of how dangerous the mind can be to itself, to how dangerous humanity is to itself. and sometimes id wish i could reach into their world and pull her back to ground bc of her recklessness. i love and hate rin at the same time, never one more than the other.

i love kitay even more. never once have i faulted him, he knew what was best, a moral compass for readers really. especially after primarily reading from rin's violent and often irrational perspective, it was relieving to have a voice of reason. theres not much i can say abt him other than the fact that he is my favourite out of the trio, id see it through no matter what. yes i wish he'd said no to bonding himself to rin, to put himself on a compromise, but at the same time i'm glad that he did. kept rin grounded, gave her a sense of purpose other than vengeance, instilled her a sense of duty and obligation--to survive, not only for herself but for him as well. will always defend him no matter what, this boy is clean and he is faultless.

nezha nezha nezha. i tried for three books (and tdf) to like him, truly, but even after all those pages i still dont know how to feel about him. he was insufferable in the first book, honourable for most of the second, and downright pathetic in the third. but if i say that i hate nezha then id have to say that i hate rin as well. they were both children of war, born under humiliating circumstances and forced to take the wager of compromise, they share the same faults. its not fair of me to defend one and leave the other open, they forced the ugliness out of each other. they were tragic. i saw his betrayal from kilometres away, but anticipation did not make forgiveness easier. but i know what it feels like to be brought up as a pawn for ur own family's benefit, to be subjected to so much responsibility when you barely know the world and its wonders, feels like a push to the edge. i cant blame him for that.

in short, im devastated. ive had my tears ricochet on loop since i started the first book. i am but a hollow shell of the person i was before this book. it has altered my life (/hj) and i cant go a minute of my day without thinking abt it. it's incredibly tragic, it's flawed in its own ways but it is also three incredible pieces of literature. rfk did well, im glad i read it while at the same time hate myself for reading the entirety of the trilogy in the span of 36hrs. i dont think its once u can read almost immediately, u need to pace yourself. 5 golden stars from me nonetheless.

#poppy war #the poppy war #the dragon republic #the burning god #fang runin #rin #nezha #kitay

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hearts4juzi · 5 months

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genuinely curious what is the pit dad au is it a good dad william au because I lowkey adore those please ramble about it I love listening to your rambles (if you have the time of course)

OOH pretty much? its a "william is a bad dad but shit happens and he realizes it early enough to fix it, or at least try" au!! plus some other drama ofc

basically william gets springlocked waaaay earlier on than in canon. he has an accident, is alone, and henry finds him too late. while henry is trying to get his body out of the suit, he wakes up and is like oh shit i died.

but he came back and he is ecstatic about that. His plan worked! he's (by all normal standards) immortal! and henry cleans him up and hes springbonnie instead of springtrap. (and of they take wills uhm. corpse out. williams rlly disturbed by it tho. henry finds that funny and they hold a funeral for william and everything and hes just. what.)

except springbon is sentient. bc springbon is my faborite. so williams got a buddy in his head! and springbon can control her own body still if she wants to! and springbon is new to parenting but she reeeeaally loves these kids

will just wants to experiment more with his newfound body and abilities and everything he can do but. without a bodyy... he cant do much off the stage unless he has the ability to walk around off of it without being in suit mode. which comes with needing to charge. and while he would totally just hook himself up to a random plug in his roomm springbon had henry cover them all with the little child proof plugs and will cant get them off bc his robot fingers r too big so if he stays in his room too long, he'll pass out (or just. power down? since hes a robot?)

so he's forced to interact with his family.

but he really does find he enjoys time away from work and his kids are not actually horrible obnoxious idiots like he'd always thoguht of them as (as a mixture of not wanting kids in the first place and being bitter that his wife is dead) and he realizes wow. this isnt so bad. he also bonds a lot more with henry and vanessa (the latter of which was just. his employee. he didnt know her well before but she's fun and helps him with maintenance when henrys busy)

in this au, Michael is 11-12, elizabeth is 7, and evan is 6! so they r pretty young. Michael does have built up resentment towards his father bc of how neglectful and cold he was, and williams like wow! that was shitty of me! mostly bc he sees howspringbonnie interacts with his kids and it vaguely reminds him of his wife. and hes like okay! time to reconcile with my kids! and while evan and liz eventually r like yeah this is cool mike is not. hes very hesitant to trust his father and doesnt liek him!!! grrr!!!! but william really wants to try!!!! try he will dammit!!!

on top of that will DID make the funtimes with the intent of experimenting with remnant but pitdad will is a wuss! he didnt make them to kill kids. he just knew remnant involved death and they were made properly to contain it, but not collect it. so basically he made machines to harvest souls without the harvesting part and jsut the souls. those blueprints and that research is concerning enough on its own tho... lets just say he wasnt on a great path and likely would've done bad things like in canon if he'd been left to his own devices. curiosity mixed with grief is a bitch and so is william afton

but the funtimes ARE sentient, and they know what they were made to do. at least circus baby does and she goes and tells everyone and they decide "yeah this place sucks lets just merge together and find a skinsuit" and that skinsuit was MEANT to be william but he. yk. has no skin anymore. his oldest son must be the second best thing, right?

also also also the missing kids are in fact missing! for other reasons tho heheheh

extra note but because of how remnant works william is TERRIFIED of fire. hes scared it'll split his soul from springbonnie so he's rllyyyy scared of fire and stuff!!!

i think thats all? thats all i can think of i could probably answer more specific questions tho this is the gist!!!! im glad u love my sillyguys and rambles ueueue

#tzu rambles #tzu asks #william afton #fnaf au #pitdad au

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purpleglitch · 4 months

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READ @demonstars 'S ROLESWAP!DNF FIC RIGHT NOWW!!!!

-> -> -> -> (CLICK HERE) <- <- <- <-

Ok warning this is very long, i'm gonna ramble about the fic on itself here because UGFHGHHG i cried 😢💖 nunki tqm te debo mi vida entera

Starting with RS!George's pov during the prison break i love that so much, he's so chaotic in this au i really liked how he's the main focus :((( ohhgg the scrungly, and besides dnf being the main relatioship of the story i can't stop thinking about the silly dynamic of george and techno and the vibe of "we're not that close but you're my best friend's lover so i'll help you i guess :/", and them immediatly rushing to hana kingdom looking for dream with the compass.

THE VISUALS!!!! i love love love how it was all described, the imagery, all the plants and flowers surrounding the castle and after reading it, thinking how a big part of it was probably HD's influence on the world trying to keep dream hidden (and trapped), the fact that the kingdom was meant to be a safe place for "war criminals" according to dream, and they both thinking he meant a safe place for george,,, hheartbreakign reading about sapnap's absence in the kingdom to keep an eye on dream and also not appearing during the chase to capture george after breaking out of pandora like MAN. (also FUCK Q) my poor fucking cat george dealing with so much pain for a year im goign to throw uo :(

george knows thanks to techno that dream is going to welcome him back with open arms but still he's scared of the small possibility of dream not being in his room and all the scenarios of why that would be, but not wanting to show that panic to techno so he covers it with insults and deflection. and how for a split second he thought the worst case scenario happened and someone killed dream on their way there (ALSO GEORGE'S PARANOIA MENTION :c ). I love the imagery of dream being like the sun for the flowers and how even the sunflowers are ignoring the actual sun to point directly to a sleeping dream, they're dependent on him, like the world's connection and pure love for its admin but amplified by HD's wish to keep him for himself (or i'm reading too much into it lmao).

I keep thinking about the rs!dteam flashback because it's making me insane,, sapnap adoring dream's admin powers but george not caring too much about it because he cared more about dream himself, and deciding that he's going to protect him and sapnap following him and training together to become dream's bodyguards and if i keep talking about it i will burst into tears,,,,,,,

the fact that the flowers and vines and plants are covering dream even blooming from his own chest and holding him down as he sleeps,,, this would go hard as a painting like if you agree. but also george defending dream and how HE is the one that knows dream the best not even any of their other closest friends like sapnap, punz or even techno, his jealousy demons are insane like if you agree. I also kept jumping on my seat whenever i noticed a referenced to lore we've talked about before like the dnf chains and dream pleading techno to rescue george from pandora ooohhggg the details,,, and techno joking about how it's the last time he does dream a favor but deep down he also cares about him that's his dearest rival and he really doesn't want him suffering :((

PAUSEEEEE I LOVE THE STORYY OF HD, XD AND PVP AND THEIR BATTLE FUCKKKK i was thinking about it because i didnt know what to do to make both pvp and xd die so hd could become a lonely god (and also applying it to dsmp canon with dreamxd) and this way is SO GOOD!!! they were doomed and my chest hurts thinking about them, “Sometimes people do stupid shit for those they love, I dunno,” I'm biting my arm off oh my gODDDD.

AND NOW HD'S BIG ENTRANCE YASSSS, and the reveal of george having talked with hd multiple times in prison and his warning of staying away from dream, and how possesive he is with dream while he's sleeping, I LOVEEEE the way it's added the uncanny valley to hd's appearance, it's my fav hc how xd and hd look so perfectly like dream and george to the point of no humanity, their faces so perfect it's evident they're pretending to be human, trying to replicate all in looks and flaws, like george's pride, and george defeating hd by making him realize that dream never cared for him, he only wanted george and only wanted hd because he was replacing george but also hd wanting dream because he was replacing xd after he died.

and george realizing that it's his fault dream got hurt by hd and him during the dethronement so he wants to free him and let him choose next even if it meant him staying away from george, that's why george telling hd that "life moves on" also soothes his soul, they both lost their lovers (by not being able to stop his fight against their other friend, and by trying to keep him away from conflict he drove him away) so george thought he also needed to move on if dream hates him because of what he did. but finally dream wakes up as hd's curse is lifted and he doesn't hate george, he's angry because he left and didn't came back for him (until now) and they still have feelings for each other YIPPEEEEEEE

can i say that i imagine off screen dream and george taking a bath together and dream tending george's wounds from torture and putting bandages on him and they're soft and cute and cry and TALK and it's an intimate moment where they connect again and it's a new beginning for them together again <3

and george's version of the gods story having a happy ending, giving hd his own happy ending too :( and it's what he believes as the story is mentioned to have multiple versions, so i think that as long as george believes that HD XD and PVP lived and are happy, it would be true :) or idk at this point i kinda zoned out i probably misinterpreted this LMAO SORRYYYY. but anyway DNF CUDDLING!!! THE REAL GOOD ENDING!!! and finally,,,,, dream is finally free from hd's curse to sleep for longer, the flowers are gone. he's gonna wake up to an embrace of his lover and start living <3

I BELIEVE IN HAPPY RS!DNF ENDGAME!!! AGAIN THANK SO MUCH FOR THIS FIC I KEEP SAYING THIS EVERYWHERE I CAN BUT IM SO GRATEFUL FOR THIS AND ALL THE ART YOU'VE MADE AND FOR LISTENING (reading¿) MY SELF INDULGENT STUFF 😭😭💖💖💕💕 i hope this made sense i started zoning out at the end of writing this so i'm really sorry if i misinterpreted some scenes!!! feel free to correct me nunkito :3 and thank u nov for hosting dtblr secret santa i loved this,, ooghghgg

#glitch.txt #Roleswap AU #!!! <3

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hirik0 · 9 months

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Forced proximity

part 1 | part 2

Day 2

Soap and Riley are returning from the first walk that day at the ass of dawn, when they nearly run Ghost over, who sneaked out of medic. Riley nearly pushing her owner to the ground and Soap got pulled from the dog face first against Ghost chest. Soap is giving Ghost a pointed look noticing that he's has casts on both arms. "How did you even get out, with both hands nearly unusebale", Soap ask impressed, while Ghost pets his dog as much his injury allow him. "I used the door", Ghost dead pans. "Well you're trip to the outside is ending here back to medical", Soap says serious. "It should not matter where I wait for the casts to come of", Ghost says frustrated, hating hospital rooms. "Simon", Soap warns. "Are you pulling rank, MacTavish?, Ghost chalenges, eyes narowing. "No, but I tell everyone that your not that scary killer machine eveyone thinks you are but a big softy letting Riley sleep in you bed." "You say this like Riley didnt bullie you in to let her sleep in bed with you", Ghost conters. "But i dont have the scary guy reputation to lose, People would probaly think that this pretty much fiting for me to do." Ghost raising his fully casted arm in a motion to hit Soaps head but then drops it. "Your scull is so thick I will just rebreak my arm", Ghost says annoyed. "So now let you get back in your bed", Soap says calmly trying to not freak out about the doppel meaning of this sentence is holding. Ghost is caughting to overplay his own reaction that is a schocked gasp. Riley looks from her owner to the guy that is taking of her at the moment. She don't like what she's seeing.

"One smoke", Ghost says in front of the base inframtry. Soap just gets his packet out putting it in between Ghost lips. It's just because he can't really use his hands, Soap tells himself to not freak out, it feels like they are dancing around a line that never exitet in their interactions before. He then gets his own out and pulls out the lighter. They light their cigarettes at the same time trying not to look in each other eyes. Ghost is blushing a littel bit his ears getting a bit warmer. They are just sharing a smoke like they always do nothing to blush about. Oh god why did Soap say that. Soap probably donst even menat it to sound like this. He's not having a school girl chrush over his CO over one sentence. Soap is also freaking out about what he just said. God, why did I say it like that? He didn't mean it like this, Ghost knows that right? Should he clarify what he meant, no that would make thinks more arkward. Topic, they need a topic to talk about. "I let Riley show of to the recruits yesterday. Half of them can't get over the damm wall", Soap says. "Did they improve after?" "Yes. I thought I would only have like 20 names on the list of people getting over the wall." "Is Riley behaving?", Ghost ask a bit stiff, also desprade for some meaningless small talk. "Chasted a Squirel and is scaring the shit out of me with suddely sleeping in my bed." Ghost chuckels at this. They are saved from the most painfully atemed of small talk by the head nurse, clearly looking for the missing patient. "Lieutnant Riley", she say stern, Riely is lifting her head from the paws at the sound of her name. The head nurse is a strict lady, that is getting dwarfen bei most of her patients, not that is matters this woman is leading her station with a firm hand. Getting on her bad site is not recomendet. "And of course Captian MacTavish making sure that my patients can smoke." The men feel like they are schoolboys getting in trouble. "I, just wanted one smoke", Ghost says trying to hide the fact he infact broke out of the infamtry. "Mhm and thats why you sneaked out when there was a emergency?", the nurse ask with a raised eye brow. "Yes Ma'am. Really craved the nicotine." "Riley, I was not born yesterday I know when my patients try to sneak away. I gues thanks for bringing him back, Captian." "No Problem, Ma'am." "Oh and MacTavish, the next time you are one of my station I expect you are a perfect patient." "Yes Ma'am." Riley just lays on the ground watching every think, jawning. "Lets, get somethink to eat Riley", Soap says after Ghost is following the nurse back in the building.

Soap trys to to his paperwork, but his interaction with Ghost earlier this morning is still haunting his thoughts. God, why did he said THAT? He will wake up in the midel of the night haunted by this moment for ever. Riley just naps clearly not giving a fuck that Soap is asking himself if he just ruined what ever conetction he has with Ghost. He can pretenet this never happend and never talk about it again. Why bring it up again if they can jsut pretent it never happend, Ghost propably has the same view on it. At the same time Ghost is writting and rewritting a text he wants to send Soap. "Bloody hell MacTavish", Ghost curses under his breath. Soap obviosly just wanted to get him back to medical, no potantional hidden meanings, so why the fuck does he still needs the conformation that there is no hidden meaning. If he needs clarification what does that mean for himself, does he want a hide meaning?

>> We are solid right? <<

There easy question, now Soap just needs to answer.

>> Of course <<

Somehow this answer leaves a empty feeling in Ghost. Nothing is changing and that is good, thats what he wants right? Right? He has to much time to overthink everythink in this stupid room. Soap still looks at the text conversation with Ghost. He answered 30 minutes ago, but he has the feeling that his respond was shit. "God, im overthinking this.", Soap mutters to himself before comtiniue with his paperwork.

Ghost looks at the celing still thinking way to much about his interactions with Soap today. Hes sure to crush his feeling under his boot like they are a bug. Feeling of this nature dont have space in this line of work. Unknown to Ghost his crush on Soap rooted in the remains of his humaity, the remains from a Simon from a long time ago and the crush is slowly blooming in more serious feelings. Just now starting to show themselfe to Ghost, grown under every glance in the changing room or Gym Ghost gave Soap, they are out of envy for Soaps bulk he tells himself, every breifing he just space out to listen to Soap talk, he dont need to pay attention he memorised the filles already and everytime his mood is getting a littel bit better when he sees Soap after a long and tirering solo mision, its because Soap is a good soilder to young to die. The feeling are about to fully show themself to Ghost when he hears his phone informing him he got a new text. Soap send a picture. Ghost hand is shakeing, feeling nervous. "Its probably just a picture of Riley", he tells himself. And it is indead a picture of Riley, but for some reason Soap thought its a good idea of taking the picture of them cuddeling. Soap still wearing one of the tanc tops he wear to work out, showing of his muscular arms whith a peacefully napping Riley on his chest.

>> Was able to increase the amount of weight I can deadlift.<<

The only think that Soap is deadlifting at the moment is the long thought dead remains of what Simon Riley was before Roba. "Bloody cunt", Ghost curses feeling how what he thought is a tiny easely destoraybel crush is blooming in to full blown attraction and posibelly even love. He can freak out how he could not notice how hes feelings are developing after he answert Soaps text.

>> Impressive, Captian. You now can deadlift a dog. <<

>> Very funny Simon. <<

>> Pretty sure i can bench press half the task force soon <<

>> Yeah, want to test this theory soon?<<

>> Ofering to be the first? <<

>> No <<

Yes. Fuck.

Ghost just presses his phone to his chest blushing hard big smile on his face. "FUCK."

#call of duty #simon ghost riley #a hint of ghostsoap #john soap mactavish #captain mactravish #riley the dog #riley is a good girl #09 ghost #09 soap

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cyberdragoninfinity · 4 months

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I would love to hear your Indigo Disk thoughts

YES!!!!!!! 💎🐢💥 full disclosure I only just finished Indigo Disk's main storyline like....less than 24 hours ago so I am still RIDING HIGH FROM THE RUSH OF IT ALL. will probably be spoilers ahead, as a head's up:

first off I love that like. right off the bat youre getting hit with cyrano and cavell old man yaoi. busting out the cute little nicknames like HELLO!!! AND then you have geeta showing up and rika is there for no reason whatsoever and it's like. well ok i think they were having lesbian activities on the plane over you love to see it!

anyway setting wise, the Big Ol Blueberry is pretty fun! I love running around and the Synchro Machine is SUCH a ridiculously fun feature (FINALLY, TRUE GAMING: Dana can run around as a Ninetales and smack a big ball around.) I love all the Unova callbacks and I LOVE THE DIFFERENT CLUB ROOM LAYOUTS!! The monochrome one made me tear up and SEEING THE FUCKIGN. POKESTAR STUDIOS ENEMIES. IN THE FUTURISTIC ONE. MADE ME FEEL SOMETHING. pokestar studios my beloved i miss it sooo much 😭 My buddy Snap was talkin about how the Terarium really kind of lacks... yknow, landmarks and points of interest, though, and god I agree so hard. I love that Kitakami had its own little set of interesting features and places to go and use as landmarks and the Terariuam kind of. Doesn't really have those. It's a bit of a pain in the ass to navigate and easy to get lost but not in a fun way.... even though you have these little neat natural features like The Pride Rock and Chargestone Caves, I wish we coulda had a little bit more :( For such a widely used part of the school it doesn't feel very 'lived' in by the students there. It would've been fun to see more gathering places aside from the Very Sterile Outside Classrooms.....

The Area Zero Underdepths, though...hooouughhHHHhhh. I just. I really have to admire the fact that Indigo Disk said "ohhh you want answers?? you wanna know what's going on in this place? fuck you, youre gonna have MORE questions after this, and theyre gonna be even CRAZIER ones." YOU GO IN THAT HOLE AND LEARN NOTHING AND IM NOT EVEN MAD ABOUT IT. GO LOOK AT THE CRYSTAL TREE DOWN THIS RANDOM PATHWAY. i neeeed to make a terapagos post sometime and talk more about it i cannot stop thinking about this little freak. POKEMON THAT SCARE ME A LITTLE I MUST SAY. POKEMON I DO NOT FEEL IN CONTROL OF. i Know they didnt make its charged terastal form look like a dream catcher for no reason. I Know its Stellar Form Looking Like That isnt for no reason. I know its borderline dangerous power and THAT LITTLE STUNT IT PULLS. AT THE CRYSTAL POOL. THAT'S INDICATIVE OF SOMETHING I THINK. >when Terapagos's cry was the sound Terastalizing has been making all fucking game. SCREAMS.

also again oh my god if you beat the main indigo disk storyline go to the crystal pool right now GO. GO FEEL SOMETHING. GO!!!!

ok well that's. less about setting and more about story though huh. well!! story wise, absolutely loved it! I know there was a lot of apprehension when the DLCs got more properly announced and we found out they didnt really center on Our Dear Paldea Friends as scarvio proper did, and yeah I definitely can see why that's a frustration and a deterrent for some (and I'm soo so excited to hang out with Nemona and Arven and Penny in the epilogue next month....peach time (: ) but for me in the end I'm really just so enamored and delighted with all the new friends you get to make in the DLC and they more than carry that little narrative's arc on its own. The Elite 4 of the BB League are all GREAT, they got nonstop autistic girls out here in gen 9 (nemona, amarys, briar ?!??!) and it ROCKS. and i LOVE Carmine so much, everyone always wants mean rivals and mean women and folks cant even handle Carmine 🙄 you can tell she genuinely has such a big heart and cares about her friends and her brother!!! and Kieran wahhh wahh kieran my newest Little Guy ;____;.... he is SO fourteen and I did not expect to go into the DLC getting really invested in a new character's arc but it's just GOOD. He REALLY feels like a loose yugioh character in Indigo Disk, he's so angry and obsessed with victory and ultimately under it all still capable of so much kindness and regret and he's just GOOD. And his champion battle was terrifying and a BLAST!! THE MUSIC RULES. HE EVEN HAD INCINEROAR.

god and all the music in Indigo Disk was a banger. gen 9 music save me. gen 9 music. save me gen 9 music.

i'm SUPER hyped to do more BBQs with my bestie and do more postgame stuff with the "hanging out with Gym Leaders" thing and the Legendary hunting and such... lots more to roll around in and have a good time with. All in all had just a great time with it, I genuinely might put Violet as my favorite Pokemon game of all time at this point! I do grow very sad thinking about just how even more fantastic this game couldve been if it had 1-3 more years to cook properly though, like..god damn. I was getting some LAG on those cutscenes, and I know I made out pretty alright in the bugs department!!

but for now i'll just be thinking about the shit that happens at the crystal pool for the rest of my life. also Indigo Disk gave me the best possible trainer ID photo i never need to change it again

#TY FOR ASKING!!!! i do love talking pokemon especially scarvio stuff theres so much to unpack #and oh god i gotta talk about that fucking turtle #asks #anonymous #scarvio spoilers /#indigo disk spoilers /#pokemon chattering

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austronauts · 2 years

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youtube

i am returning with yet another brainrot episode [dodges booing and tomatoes being thrown] of me annotating mitch youtube content.

this podcast episode with connor was ADORABLE and revealed a side of him that we rarely ever see otherwise SO...it has made my mitch hyperfixation at LEAST 5x worse. I say this so i can warn you to listen at your own peril (i say listen rather than watch bc mitch is like..in 240p the whole time and at certain points looks SO BLURRY he looks like an impressionist painting of a twink. how very renoir of him tbh).

I also recognize this video is long af (honestly i didnt know mitch knew this many words....very impressed) so i’m time-stamping every part that im annotating...... also this post got so long so i’m sorry. i KNOW i always say this but it’s bc im genuinely always surprised by my own verbose ass.,.,,,,.,,,,.,.,,,,, WHY DO I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY IM JUST LIKE MITCH FR I NEED TO STOP YAPPING (morgan rielly voice: “just never shuts up”)

1:35: mitch apparently loves oysters? honestly adding this only because it’s so cute when his face scrunches up and he throws his head back to laugh at 2:12 (also why is connor’s water glass so dirty what is HAPPENING)

3:21: mitch marner, self-proclaimed coffee aficionado and BEST coffee maker on the leafs, does not know what a chemex is. the look of blank confusion. i know what you are. a fraud who would rather be drinking capri suns and chocolate milk.

3:45: ok now we understand WHY mitch is always wearing a redbull hat (when he’s not wearing his recent assortment of ridiculous hat acquisitions like that powder blue hat with the HUGE BRIM or the orange prada bucket hat) - redbull just sends mitch HATS ON HATS ON HATS that he’s not even allowed to share as part of his agreement. i am now, in fact, asking redbull to send him EVEN MORE HATS so he’s less tempted to wear those hats he’s been wearing this off-season. redbull should just absolutely bury him in hats until he is no longer even visible. he’s not that big so it really shouldn’t take that many hats!!! that’s what i call a hat trick. that’s what i call cap space [booing from audience intensifies]

6:25: WHY is a CONNOR CARRICK MITCH MARNER PODCAST HOW I FIND OUT THAT PK SUBBAN AND LINDSEY VONN WERE ENGAGED?!?!! WHAT IN THE SPORTS ROYALTY?

7:14: just connor gassing mitch up and then chirping him for looking like a newborn foal when he entered the league (mitch then chirps himself for what he looked like with his shirt off lmao - it always surprises me how self-aware he seems to be and how comfortable he seems to be with himself? genuinely endearing tbh)

9:34: mitch talking about how formative visiting the children’s hospital in london (with christian dvorak) 1-2x a week was for him and the “legacy” he wants to build as a hockey player. like. as a cynical human i understand that this podcast is meant to be a fluff piece that’s beneficial for mitch’s reputation/brand, but as a human human i cannot help but be touched by how sincere mitch is about this. and more importantly, he’s shown it with his actions re: the genuine friendship he had with hayden, who mitch met during these hospital visits.

11:54: hearing about mitch’s contract issues from mitch’s POV is pretty interesting, and i believe this is the most extensively he’s ever spoken about it? it makes so much sense that mitch’s biggest priority was not wanting to miss training camp and pre-season. and that he had ZERO intention of leaving the leafs. im forever genuinely flabbergasted by that contingent of leafs fans who thinks mitch was the one in the room negotiating with kyle/the leafs and playing games to squeeze every last dollar out of them? like DO THEY KNOW MITCH? THE TWITCH STREAMER? my. brother in christ, this guy does not even know what an encyclopedia is. my brother in christ, this guy called his finnish teammate “finlish.” ANYWAY, he talks pretty openly about the impact the contract negotiations and pressure had on him mentally

17:40: connor: what is your favorite part of being a toronto maple leaf? mitch: my friends 🥺

19:54: mitch talking about how he just likes to check in “on his guys” and connor pointing out that whenever he gets an assist or a goal in a game, he still gets texts from mitch. WHICH IS. SO SWEET. as someone who is absolutely fucking terrible at keeping in touch with people i am JUST. SORRY TO BE A SAP BUT THATS SO SWEET OF HIM? WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!! IM GOING TO EAT HIM!!!!!!

20:30: THIS IS THE BEST PART LOWKEY - THE NIKE SHOES STORY DODOHFODHOSHSODASODHFAIDHFLWJEFKDLJKSAS. IF U WATCH NOTHING ELSE PLEASE WATCH THIS. THE DAY CONNOR GOT MOVED FROM THE LEAFS AND WAS SAD MITCH JUST SHOWED UP WITH A GIANT PILE OF SHOES TO GIVE CONNOR AND CONNOR HAD TO BE LIKE “MITCH? I AM MOVING? I CANNOT TAKE ALL THESE SHOES???” THIS IS THE MOST MITCH MARNER STORY I HAVE EVER HEARD I CANNOT LIKE IVE SAID THIS BEFORE BUT IF I READ IT IN A FIC I WOULDVE BEEN LIKE “LMAOOO THIS AUTHOR NAILED MY HEADCANON OF MITCH BUT IRL MITCH WOULD NEVER DO THAT” BUT NO! HE DOES! HE HAS! the fairy godmother only gave cinderella one pair of glass slippers but mitch marner will show up at your doorstep with 10+ pairs of emotional support nikes that he’s been trying to give you for MONTHS because he loves you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

24:45: Mitch talking about how the award he’d want to win the most is the Selke - and given how great Mitch has been this past season offensively AND defensively AND on the PP AND on the PK??? give minch the selke send tweet.

28:30: when Mitch was drafted by London he was 5′6″ and 125lbs DLKDLKSJA HE WAS fucking TEENSY! please! i 100% could have carried him around in a fanny pack with my wallet and keys and a granola bar and the 3-4 random crumpled receipts from walgreens

30:16: “whenever people ask me what it was like playing with mitchy, i always tell them he has the ability to rubiks’ cube the game.” i LOVE This and i will be using this expression from now on, even though i have never solved a rubik’s cube and never will!

46:20: I would say this is the 2nd really meaty part of this podcast? It’s where Connor and Mitch talk about Mitch’s draft day experience. When Mitch talks about how NERVOUS he was when Toronto went up to draft their 4th pick i started laughing because if you watch the 2015 draft video you can SEE JUST HOW PETRIFIED AND TERRIFIED AND CLOSE TO SHITTING HIMSELF THEN THROWING UP THEN FAINTING AND DISINTEGRATING INTO A PILE OF DRIED UP LEAVES MITCH LOOKS LMAO. like that boy was on the brink of death. also, really interesting details behind Phoenix Coyotes drafting Dylan at third right before Mitch here!

51:47: The 3rd meaty (auston-y :---))))) ) part of this podcast: Mitch talking about THE BABCOCK INCIDENT where babcock made mitch grade his teammates on work ethic. Mitch talks about it with a lot of levity and positivity tbh but hearing mitch even joke and laugh about it makes me sad because it clearly was a really awful experience for him to go through as a rookie. knowing how close mitch was and is to those 3 guys at the bottom - tyler bozak, naz, JVR (his recent italian escapade buddy) - is definitely comforting tho. BOOING BABCOCK FOREVER FOR THIS TBH. like WHAT were you aiming to get out of this and why the hell would you ever put a ROOKIE in this impossible situation?

55:46: THE FINAL MEATY PART OF THIS PODCAST: THE MATT MARTIN SECTION. honestlyyyyY. just watch this part from beginning to end pls because mitch clearly loves and treasures matt SO much and there’s SO much here that will make you want to gnaw gnaw gnaw chew chew chew scream ferally and SUE connor carrick for your upper body injury (heart hurts)... but anyway, a few highlights:

Mitch calling Marty a protector, a big brother, and “how big of a mentor he was to me” - i WILL CRY!!!!!!! I WILL!!!!! THATS MY FAVE LEAFS SHIP RIGHT THERE

“He was all for me shooting a puck off his leg or his ass.” every other time Mitch opens his mouth he says something that makes me go “wait ..what did he say?” and have to re-listen. this is one of those moments

the FUNNIEST story about how connor and matt almost fought when they played for different teams because matt found connor so annoying. i won’t spoil the details but i - i def cackled out loud

“you just felt 2 feet taller with matt around” 🥺🥺🥺 ok that’s fine tHATS FINE

OH GOD. THE worst part: Mitch talks about how Matt and Syd would always invite him over and make sure Mitch never felt alone his rookie year, and how this experience of feeling included and loved by Matt shaped the kind of teammate/friend Mitch tries to be aka making sure his home and heart are always open to his teammates. I....I’M. Y’ALL. HOLD MY HAND AND STAY WITH ME BECAUSE LIKE - think about the way bogo (esp when his family was away during covid) and justin lived with mitch and how the leafs all clearly love mitch so much and how mitch says he always tries to be the positive energy guy for his team AND I JUST . LETHAL PSYCHIC DAMAGE SUFFERED FROM THIS PART OF THE PODCAST TBH BRAIN JUST LEAKIN OUT THROUGH MY EARHOLES AS I CRAWL INTO A CORNER. Matt Martin drop your location right now and square up because i will fight you right now for what you’ve done. how DARE you and mitch marner, 2 rich white men i absolutely do not know, make me want to be a better kinder person....i...pretend i do not see it...i pretend i do not feel it.

1:02:58: Yes this podcast is over an hour long and i watched all of it ahahahah1!! haHA! anyway, mitch thanking the frontline workers - very sincere and endearing and mitch-y (aka causing little brain blips of complete confusion - like why did he call the UPS... “ups”? is this a canadian thing? also him thanking the WIFI PEOPLE FJDLKDJLDDSDSSDAKJLDDFLFJFKJLDSJLDKFAJL lmfaofjldjDDKS lmfaofofoofofOFOFO okay)

But seriously the entire podcast is extremely endearing and it’s still the off-season so please do watch the whole thing if you have a chance! then come yell with me about it u know i love to yell

#mitch marner #connor carrick #no like WHY is he like this #why am i WRITING THIS #i am looking in the mirror like...what have i become #WHO HAVE I BECOME #nhldraftbust look up this isnt u #he's so SOFT god im going to eat him one day and it won't be my fault for committing cannibalism

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popoutsekai · 2 years

Text

from anonymous : Can I get a sunny x reader where the reader likes to draw? Reader doesn't really share their drawings with the gang but one day sunny accidentally sees their sketchbook somehow and sees beautiful drawings of him made by y/n.

I hope you're having a wonderful day!🧸

ahh hello!! i hope you’re having a wonderful day too! sorry i messed up some formatting stuff and it ended up deleting your ask (oops?) i don’t know when you sent this so i’m banging it out as fast as i can + i’m new to tumblr bear with me pls </3 also i didnt know which sunny you wanted so i wrote for older sunny, if you want more younger sunny lmk pls !!

w/o further ado, welcome to artist!reader x sunny from both povs ^^

art cred !! + ct reading under cut, omori spoilers regarding the entire plot lmao sorry </3

reader perspective - second pov

did you mean to leave your sketchbook at sunny’s house, three years ago? most definitely not. why would you, [name], the organized artist of the 12 year olds, become so forgetful at a random moment in time? and now you were 15, 16 give or take.

you were the one who changed the least over those three long years; just a little more troubled, a little less organized. and you forgot about your sketchbook a while ago. you assumed you left it at the park, or something. but it wasn’t a big deal. the big deal was that you and kel got sunny out of the house!

it was actually mostly kel. that was the only person you talked to, basically. and you were busy the third day before sunny’s move. so, you joined him on the second day before.

“so, sunny, you okay and everything?” you slipped in when kel randomly flew away to get hero more random gifts at fix-it, of all places. “i heard you were moving away. are you excited?”

you heard a light “mhm” vocalize from his chest. you turned to him and smiled slightly.

“you’re lucky, you know. the world out there’s big. i hope you have a good time and stuff.”

“mhm.”

“just don’t forget about all of us!” you poked him with your shoulder lightly as to not push him over. he was glass, he was fragile, but he was as graceful as ever.

he nodded as kel yelled for you two to finally “move along! we’re going home- well, to my house!”

you were almost taking your first steps in kel’s direction, but sunny didn’t really move. noticing this, your body turned on its own to face him. “wanna take my hand?”

he blinked. yeah, sunny blinked.

“sure.”

it was quiet, but you could hear it loud and clear. his hand gripped onto yours as snug as could be.

well, maybe for him. he was gripping on for dear life on your part.

“YO! will you guys hurry? hero’s almost here…” kel’s whines echoed throughout the store, annoying the workers there.

you laughed a little, sunny’s hand still in yours. “hold on, kel! we’ll be right there!”

and with that, you felt as if sunny gained trust with you a little more.

sunny’s perspective - second pov

did you mean to find [name]’s sketchbook, from years and years ago, in your room as you and kel and hero and them were sleeping over in your house, in your room? most definitely not. in fact, you were just snooping around your living room before you heard their steps float in the house.

you flinched. they really haven’t changed throughout the years(?) you spent without them. they just looked different. a little more disheveled. but they still had that grace they held within them.

“hey, sunny? do you know where the bathroom is?” they yawned groggily, you figured you had to turn around to face them properly. “sorry, i just keep forgetting how your house wo- what is that?”

their eyes landed on the booklet that you had in your hands. the front cover had sketches of your little group. your little seven person group from long ago.

“hold on, i lost that a long time ago! well, we can kill some time here. do you wanna look through it together?”

you nodded, wanting to see more. what’s gone through their mind all this time? what happened throughout all those years?

but the first page you flipped to was near the middle of the sketchbook. it was a full body pose of…someone who looked so familiar. it felt as if it was captured from years ago, and placed onto the page. the boy felt happy, full of love and life. and you knew that wasn’t like how you were back then, not most of the time.

you turned to [name], staring at their gaping mouth and wide eyes. “oh my god, i forgot about that drawing.” they caressed the pages between their fingers and smiled. “this is the drawing that inspired me to draw more of…well, you. a little embarrassing, huh?”

you shook your head. it was more embarrassing for you, really.

“oh, phew, that’s a relief! well, that’s because…let me just show you.” they placed a hand inside their sweatshirt pocket, pulling out a small notebook around the same size you had in your hands. it fell onto the notebook you held with a plop. “you can look through it if you want.”

and so you did. the pages felt so good to flip through. it felt good to see some life within a notebook. the boy they drew had a simple anatomy, which they sketched perfectly. his hair was in place sometimes; others it wasn’t. his eyes had a sparkle in it sometimes; others he seemed gloomy. either way, the poses they drew felt so natural and light compared to the ones white space had to offer.

there were also sketches of their group. some in color, some not. he saw pictures of mari and hero holding hands and dancing. aubrey and kel and basil and sunny, all running around happily. was this another reality they tuned themself into?

“um, sunny? do you like them?” that’s what caught you off guard. “i mean, the drawings.”

you knew [name] never bragged about their drawing skills. back then, they only sketched with the intent of keeping it to themself only. and they got super flustered when people asked if they could show them their drawings. especially sunny.

“yeah.”

this meant a lot to [name]. sunny knew this much. their eyes grew wide like how they first laid eyes on their own sketchbook. “hehe, thanks.”

“mhm.”

“so, should we go back upstairs? i remembered where the bathroom is now! it’s up the stairs and in the middle, right?” they smiled wide again, helping you stack your notebooks up into a little pile and placing it on your hands.

you nodded, as always.

“let’s go then!” you two walked side by side, up the stairs one step at a time. the silence felt super comforting and natural, going up like you two were going to conquer the world.

well, faraway town was a start at least.

as you two reached the top, they looked you in the eye. their gaze was a little scary, but it wasn’t unusual for [name] to do stuff like this.

“hey sunny? i just wanted to let you know i love you.”

blink.

“i always have had just a little thing for you, and now that you’re moving, i just wanted you to have this.” they held out a drawing of you two together, sitting on a bench and holding hands. it depicted you and them from years ago together.

another blink.

“thanks for being a great friend, sunny! hah, i’ll always keep a little space in my notebooks for you.”

reader perspective - second pov

what you didn’t expect for sunny to do was lean his forehead on yours. but it felt so natural, so you two just stood there for a good amount of time. it felt right to be here, to stand here, to hold these notebooks and to hold these memories that were supposed to be made.

maybe someday you’ll make them.

but it starts with sunny overcoming his fears and faults. and you were willing to wait until the end of time.

and somewhere in his shrouded heart, he would wait for you too.

maybe soon enough, your happy endings will end up crossing together in the shape of love.

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warriorofthesky · 9 months

Text

starting this with the disclaimer that im a newish player (started in march) and am mostly here for the story. and i'm not a destiny doomer and am in fact counting down the days for the showcase, pretty happy with the seasons ive played so far and deeply in love with the game's world and characters. i'm having a lot of fun, i'm usually pretty annoyed at how negative this community is and ignoring destiny players on reddit and twitter was probably the best decision i've made since i downloaded the game.

HOWEVER

(tldr: destiny is a great game but a frankly terrible product. also i will compare it to ffxiv bc it is my frame of reference, sorry in advance).

(also very, veeeeeeeery long. see this as less of a "this is what i think about the state of the game article" post and more of a "i've played this game for 4 months, here is what i think about it" one.)

i dont even know what to think about the state of the game article bc i feel like im here only by happenstance, i dont care about what 95% of the player base does (that being, you know, the looter shooter part of the game) so for me the only bad thing is gambit's funeral

the whole more rewards thing simply doesnt work with me, it does not tickle my brain, im usually excited about stuff i get only bc it was hard and/or fun to get them. you will never catch me dead farming anything. you will, however, catch me dying 123123 times trying to solo spire of the watcher bc im too socially awkward to find a fireteam and overall allergic to using a mic🫠so, you know, i just dont care about 70% of that post. i acknowledge that.

but it DOES feel bad to see them go "oops, we couldnt make a new set of armor this time. btw, we arent making any of them anymore" like bruh, read the room💀is now really the time to not deliver on promises. esp when you go out of your way to shove micro transactions on our faces

it is fortunate that im also mostly immune to microtransactions bc they are all too expensive for me but they are just EVERYWHERE. i come from ffxiv and i dont even remember the store exists while im playing there. sure, ffxiv is subscription based while destiny is free to play but i'm sorry. ffxiv's free trial has more content than destiny's free to try ever will (i'd even go ahead and say ffxiv's free trial has more content than destiny ever will since destiny is fond of cannibalizing itself). especially now that they extended it to stormblood/lvl 70. depending on how much you play daily, you can spend months in ffxiv without spending a single cent.

i began playing destiny in march and immediately had to pay for shadowkeep bc what the hell was i even going to play after the first week otherwise? i keep trying to get my brother into destiny, but it is hella expensive, not to say anything of ridiculously confusing story-wise. the other day we had a big oof moment bc im trying to use dungeons to lure him in and didnt realize we had to pay for shattered throne or grasp of avarice. he didnt have the forsaken pack or the anniversary pack. i was out of money, he was only vaguely interested, and we only learned later that prophecy is the one free dungeon in the game. destiny is not free to play as far as real content is involved.

so it feels shitty to have the store shoved in your face SO much ALL the time. you have season passes and then events with their own season passes (so to speak) and then most of the cool stuff is also paid and like, ok, this is already bad, but you gotta remind me of them all the time, game? really?

it creates this massive dissonance between that the game is showing me and what i see from the many devs i follow on twitter. they are passionate people, they love what they do, i 100% believe they are doing great work within the structure they are in. but the game feels like a cash grab. its absolutely bonkers to me that the game goes out of its way to tell you that you can now buy stuff in its store. aren't you proud that now you can spend who knows how many dollars in this product of ours?? arent you??

????? okay?

and it's not just the microtransactions, it's the timegating too. my first weeks of destiny were spent with me having the thought of "god, imagine if it was like this in ffxiv. people would be SO mad squeenix would be apologizing until 2030" every other day. out of cores? too bad, you have a daily limit at rahool. out of prisms? same thing. like sir. i'm a new player. i want to at least have one set of armor masterworked. you are not convincing me to play more, you are convincing me not to give a shit. im broke af in game and out of game now lol congrats to me!

and there is more! want to do this weapon quest thingy for witch queen? too bad, not today. want to not be fool with stasis in pvp or pve? too bad, come back next week for more aspects. this chafes, yall. especially as a new player who barely has any idea of how any of these 1231231 systems work. you are not convincing me to play stasis next week. you are convincing me not to touch stasis for the next 3 months.

i will keep sighing and complaining about ffxiv's weekly capped tomestones but by god i've seen hell and it is not in ffxiv.

this state of the game that is basically telling pvpers and all four of us who enjoy gambit that they can't and won't do more feels like shit even to someone like me who actually likes gambit right now (i couldn't care less about maps lol) and who barely plays any pvp. where is all the money going? why are you shoving eververse on my face all the time then? why are you timegating me to hell in an attempt to get me to play more and spend more? why?

i do not agree with the idea that this money is going to marathon only and that is why there isn't much pvp development to speak of. that would be really stupid because destiny is bungie's main source of income and it will only be okay for them to not give a shit about it anymore when and if marathon becomes a hit and a not a moment before. however, i'm also a league player and even though i play much less now i've kept up with it and it's pretty obvious that after 10 years of being riot's only game league isn't the priority for the company nowadays. valorant is.

poor one out for legends of runeterra while we are here.

this does not mean league is abandoned. it just isn't the focus anymore. it has a consolidated player base. people are used to how it works and how content (champions) is released. there is very little financial incentive to do more than necessary. whatever is going on with bungie is... honestly normal, even if it isn't fine by our definitions. and again, i don't think it's even marathon. i think it's the executives' pockets honestly lol because what does "we don't have the resources" even mean? i know hiring more people and throwing them at the game is not the answer for quick solutions. i'm not a gamedev, but i'm a webdev working in a startup. last year we had a small influx of trainee devs and it was HELL for a few months. i'm a junior myself and i was about lose my mind if i got interrupted one more time to answer a question from the trainees again. new hires mean everyone's work will be slower for some time. but the thing is that it usually goes back to normal. i havent had a trainee interrupt my work in months now. it feels pretty incredible.

so why doesn't bungie hire more people? it will slow things down for months and months but it will pay off eventually, right? except i don't know if that's true. are more pvp maps going to bring in more money? is not shooting gambit dead going to bring in more money? probably not. again, the executives' pockets are the issue here. what i think is happening is that it isn't worth it to hire and train more people to make content for something that doesn't bring in money. and we could argue about how pvp and gambit being healthy is good for the game, how that would bring in more people or make people play and pay more, yadda yadda, but i don't believe the decision makers at bungie believe this and they might have good reasons, so what can be done? nothing, i guess. it's not like i know better than them.

so, on one side, i understand why people might be a bit miffed at the game. it feels like a cash grab. it feels like is trapping you into playing. however, i believe you are still responsible for your actions and perfectly capable of not playing if you are not enjoying it. i wish the destiny subreddit would take a chill pill and touch grass bc those people are not okay right now. but i think it's disingenuous to act as if the game isn't ridiculously greedy. because it is. this game is greedier than league and league is super greedy already (and league actually is free to play, unlike destiny).

raging at the devs will not change this. harassing the devs won't change this. they are not the ones making these decisions, especially the devs you find on social media going about their day and taking care of their lives, which are none of our business.

in the end, you kinda have to make peace with destiny-the-product or you will have a miserable time playing destiny-the-game.

i've made my peace with it. i engage with the content that brings me joy and ignore everything else. and look, the state of the game wasn't all bad. it was actually fine overall. i still find it weird that it doesn't address the real issues people had with the season (deep dives doing triple duty as simple deep dives, exotic quest and catalyst hunting was the big oof of the season for me, honestly. sometimes i just want to do a deep dive and not get roped into whatever else is going on - or the opposite, i guess. i still havent gotten the catalyst) but i gotta believe they will take the feedback when making the next seasons/expansions.

and they are finally getting rid of the ridiculous nonsense that is acquiring stasis. right after i managed to drag all my characters through all of that, sure, but at least now i can finally delete my awoken titan and make an exo one because i won't have to go through it all again. and they teased changes to the seasonal model or at least how seasons work. i'm pretty okay with what we have now, honestly. if anything i just wish the story stuff wasn't so... short. there was also something about making sure new players are caught up and that made me perk up because, please, bungie. i'm trying so hard to get my brother into this game. help me out. please.

and, the most important thing for me, final shape will conclude the saga, no seasons necessary!

just that made the whole state of the game post worth it for me. once again, my condolences to pvp players and i will mourn you, gambit, but i'm here for vibes and the lore and story, and 10 years of league of legends made me immune to shiny things on the store and 2 years of ffxiv made me too lazy to be tempted by timegated stuff. you can not kill my joy in any way that matters @ bungie's executives

the one thing i wish bungie would change (since i believe the game is too deep into microtransactions to ever be free of it) is how they communicate with players. it's not even the frequency (we have twids, as the name says, every week after all) it's just... the tone. i don't want them to give a piece of their mind to the insane people frothing at the mouth on reddit and twitter and youtube, but it's like they are speaking to an imaginary player and the (normal, well-adjusted) players are speaking to an imaginary bungie. we are not in the same wavelength at all. riot and rioters speak more to league players. of all companies out there, out of all communities out there, and riot does it better.

i understand keeping the devs safe, especially after the clusterfuck that happened recently. but it's still weird that bad actors are the deciding factor when engaging with the community. i don't know what the solution is but it does feel pretty bad overall. and its hard to take bungie seriously when most stuff they spit out is riddled with corporate speak. very little of it feels genuine.

again, i love the game. i love the characters. i love the universe and i love how queer friendly it is. ive spent the last weeks soloing dungeons and having an absolute blast, even if spire is kicking my ass really hard right now. getting the new exotic felt magical. and i've spent an ungodly amount of time theorizing about final shape and reading, watching and writing about this game. getting new veil containment stuff every week and theorizing with the community is really fun. i got the first book of the destiny anthology and i love it so much. hell, the game got me to write fanfic and only two pieces of media actually managed that (pretty easy to guess the other one at this point). i love my time here. i'm not leaving unless the story takes a nosedive of epic proportions and no, i don't think lightfall is as bad as people say. in fact, it's the second best expansion and i will fight you on that.

but destiny is not a good product, not by a long shot.

#destiny 2 #really really long #ren.txt

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glitch-e-rat · 5 months

Text

should wait until i'm done with loop to do this, but i'd like to actually sleep tonight SO

theories and tidbits to remember is.at masterpost is a go - SPOILERS GALORE UNDER THE CUT.

is siffrin their real name? they seem to be poking at themselves at least once when they ask what kind of person can't remember their own name... is siffrin one they made up? like the king did?

obvious big question is the island. no mention of a scent of sugar i can find, and similarities to the time flashes we get when picking up stuff we already have suggests time shenanigans

BUT the red meaning breaking could also mean it's like.. some kind of shield? a shell? someone WANTED the island to be forgotten but its still there...? again i've seen enough to think i can get better info from loop so that's a big pin in that. heh...

the sadnesses that smell like sugar. i tried really hard to get siff to comment on that, especially after they fully understood what wishcraft is, but no dice. so for now i'm rolling with the idea that, given how helpful they are, the smells and the stars in their design/battle screen that they are part of siffs wish.

....sorta makes you wonder if they show up when siff isnt there

...maybe loop sent them...? that. would also provide enough prove of their ability to interfere (somewhat) subtly with the party to explain how they made it through without siff that one time..

they could also be a part of the kingdoms wish. little friends to help the saviors with their savior-ing..

why are colours gone? they didnt forget how to see them - they're just gone! where did they go. did it happen around the same time the island vanished? it sounds like that was p recent (bonnie 'remembers' forgetting, they are quite young) whereas colours disapearing is treated as a great historical mystery... so no? maybe not...

who. who cloned themselves? wheres the other one? i think this is a loop related quandry.

did the king stay at the house before taking it over...? the observatory seems to be being set up as his space, the attempts to write a forgotten name in a forgotten tongue.. the stars... idk i know there are others from their island around so it may be a co incidence

i dont think the other room is his. it's clear whatever happened there happened a long, long time ago. the books are moldering away - thats not a recent thing.

the death song sounds like laughing. its a fun touch. are the mal du pays laughing at us...? they probably should be..

that boss name is a kick in the teeth (/pos)

how do get in locked house in village? it needs a word to unlock but i never learned any more phrases for that. i know the person comes out at the end but there has to be a way in.. right?

what the heck kinda high level craft user is siff? they pull off major wish craft BY MISTAKE???? a forgotten art likely unique to their land. combined with the cloak i feel like. they used. to be someone very important... i wonder if we'll ever get info to follow up on those tidbits, given particular attention is drawn to the cloak on purpose.

OH I FORGOT. the sweet smell during wish magic and the fact siff is perpetually hungry, as well as the way they loop being a tug on the stomach. that feels... at least somewhat likely to be connected right? it still doesnt explain why siff has the ability but it might at least explain what's fueling it and why he has to eat so much (and why not eating for two days is what finally stopped him)

...i think that's all i got for now. i'll. probably come back and add more as i go. little frazzled tbh.. it's. a lot. and my brain will be rolling it around for weeks no doubt.

#glitch.bat #spoilers #major is.at spoilers #yall know me and the theorycrafting...#weeeee

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morguemaw · 1 year

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Out of curiosity, what does it feel like to get high? I'm massively anxious about being under any influence, so I like to ask when I know someone's okay with it so that I kind of live it vicariously :) part of the anxiety of it is because addiction runs in the family, and part of it is because i hate being out of control-- even being too sleepy to function doesn't sit well with me.

Thats super valid!! I know alot of people have bad thoughts about weed so i understand! I also wouldnt suggest anyone do weed of any kind unless you can understand what will happen and its legal of course For me how it feels varies, but the gist is I feel extra giggly, smiley, kinda out of breath and from what my gf says i talk in a high pitched tone, i tend to forget things or repeat things, and it leaves me feeling numb, kinda dizzy, and kinda out of it The downfall for me is with the numb feeling i cant feel body pains or my own breathing, so i do need to remind myself to take some big gulps of air a few times, but the plus is i can eat some foods i couldnt normally because of my sensitive teeth ( ice cream is an example ), when it comes to body pains i rearranged my entire room ( which fun fact it keeps me fairly focused on physical tasks like cleaning or cooking ) and didnt know my hip was hurting until i was coming down from a high and was super confused why my hip felt like i pulled a muscle HAGHGA Its super easy to freak me out, i get scared easily and i do get emotional, though i can say its still super fun even if it gets scary at points bc well thats just the fun of high for me! Its exactly like a roller coaster. When you get on you know what to expect, but until it kicks in more you dont grasp it fully until there you are! It only comes fully into registering while you are coming down from it and think back on what you can remember

#gutsy high #< not yet #waiting for it to really kick in

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alovelyburn · 2 years

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Rambles about the Golden Age Part 11

I really can’t believe I’m taking this long to do these. Anyway, let’s see if we can get through the end of Deluxe Volume 3

Rambles about the Golden Age Part 11

1. So, maybe this is a good place to talk about Guts’ journey and whether or not it was a bad idea. Because I usually see people refer to it either as, well, a shitty idea that results from a misunderstanding and ruined everything OR as a great thing he did and had every right to do and he just wants to break out on his own and be The Man.

And I think my perspective on this is a bit more mixed. Because yes it did arise from a misunderstanding and I do think it’s obvious that he isn’t confident that he wants to leave anyway - he wants to win Griffith over, he’s confident in that, but he’s already wondering if he’s doing the wrong thing even before the next morning. Plus, of course, he does eventually realize too late that the Hawks were the place he should have been the whole time after all.

But like, when he comes back he seems so happy. He’s found himself - he’s at peace with a lot of the things that had filled him with doubt and anxiety for all those years. And I think about how... Guts here is only 18 years old. This is the first thing he’s done as a healthier person and an adult - when he was wandering as a teenager he was a walking wound basically. And Griffith, as much as Guts loves and admires him, is an extremely overbearing presence - he’s one of those people who walks into a room and all the energy in the room just coalesces around him. My point being that Guts probably did need that time to come to a peace with himself and figure out who he is and what he wants.

...but at the same time, the way he left was quite cruel, wasn’t it? Not intentionally, of course - he didn’t think it was that big a deal, because he didnt realize how much Griffith loved and needed him. And as i said last time, it doesn’t make sense to tell the guy you’re trying to impress that what you’re doing is meant to impress him, because that’s not impressive. Even so, if you turn that perspective around and look at it from Griffith’s side, it was sudden, unexplained, confusing and heartwrenching - not to mention it ended up triggering Griffith’s problems as well, so....

Long story short, to quote @zombiesgohome, “he had to leave to even begin to understand why he shouldn’t have left.” Because as long as he never tried being away from them, he always would have wondered - is this where I belong? Is this the answer I was looking for? And if things hadn’t gone off the rails, I honestly do think he would have ended up back there anyway. Because even though he does initially intend to leave again, all it takes is a short time with them and the Raiders gathering around him calling him Captain for him to realize that he shouldn’t have gone.

The big PROBLEM was his doing so without giving Griffith a heads up or any kind of explanation, thus leading to Griffith thinking the man he loves thinks he’s disgusting and can’t stand to be around him.

And I’m not trying to criticize really, Guts is full of issues himself and I do think he genuinely thought Griffith just liked his strength and thus felt like it wasn’t such a big deal if he left, especially with the war over. But, its best to be careful with the affections of the rare white hawk, for they are not as sturdy as they look and are, in fact, fragile under the skin, and designed to break.

2. In the Deluxe version, the translation is altered to “that half of yours determined to rule,” which is still sort of a convoluted phrasing but I do think its clearer. It’s also very obviously calling Griffith half of Guts. Which, I mean. I mean.

This scene is great though because, in retrospect, Skull Knight here is literally just saying “I think you’re the next me.” And it does make me wonder about the specifics of his relationship with Void. I wonder about that a lot, actually, because the nature of the sacrifice suggests they had some kind of closeness - a relative? A friend? But that would be odd because if the theory that Void is the sage in the tower is correct then Void was, you know, locked in a tower and not paling around with Gaiseric. I DONT KNOW.

3. And now onto the self-destructive sex.

So I’ve seen a couple of theories about the reason Griffith does this - I mean obviously it’s because Guts left, but what exactly is he trying to accomplish here? I feel like most people think he was doubling down on the dream because Guts took off, and that makes sense - Griffith’s relationship with sex is obviously quite unhealthy and he does tend to commodify his own... appeal, his beauty, his charm, people’s desire to be near him or be with him. It’s a thing he does, even though it clearly messes with his head. His entire relationship with Charlotte is exactly that. He has maneuvered her into falling in love with him, but of course he doesn’t really love her - it’s unclear how much he even likes her, but he needs her to achieve his goals. Obviously.

But seeing this as being wholly about him burying himself in his dream never really sat right with me, because it doesn’t seem to suit his actual behavior in the scene. And while I do think there is a “she’s the path to the castle” aspect to it, because... that’s what she is to him... I personally think....

...I think he had a need to be wanted in that moment, and needed to be with someone who loves him and doesn’t find him disgusting or dirty... and who wasn’t associated with the things that were hurting him at that time. This is one reason that he went after Charlotte, who is disconnected from all the Hawk drama, instead of someone like Casca.

The thing is, the things she’s saying - I missed you, I was so afraid you’d die on the battlefield, frightening and sad things keep happening and I feel so alone - and the implication that what she wants and needs to alleviate these painful things is him... it’s what he needs to hear, but its also something he identifies with. Fear and isolation and the need for a person who isn’t there to hold all that back - something that comes up again in the scene with the King in the torture dungeon. Griffith never talks about his feelings, at least not directly, but Miura often had other people talk about theirs in a way that implies where Griffith’s head is as well -- and if you look at what he says to Charlotte... “take all the sad and frightening things and cast them into the fire” - that’s what he’s doing, himself. He’s burying his pain and fear and loneliness and notably...

This moment, when his eyes go Hawk Stare?

It’s echoed later in the infamous and often debated scene where he tries to hit on Casca... which was also right after he heard her expressing loneliness and despair.

Long story short, I think Griffith uses sex as a coping mechanism, and that’s a big part of what he’s doing here. Moreover, while he does these things because he needs the validation and affection himself, and thus could be said to be using them -- he’s also letting them use him, or at least trying to. Because in both cases, the sadness, fear and loneliness they feel is also what he’s feeling. And this makes sense to me because using people and simultaneously letting himself be used by people is absolutely his M.O. And now here he is, just after being rejected by the only person he truly loves, climbing in the window of someone who adores him and telling her to free herself from her pain, sadness and fear through sex - throw it in the fire - which is exactly what he’s doing, himself.

Now, that said, there’s obviously some other stuff going on there, as well. Charlotte isn’t just some girl that he’s burying his sorrows in, she’s the living embodiment of the thing he’s been chasing his whole life. She’s the thing that, by accepting him, can justify everything he’s ever done, all his cruelty and dirtiness and all his lost friends and enemies...

Which makes it all the more interesting that according to Charlotte herself, Griffith straight up ghosted her after Doldrey. Which... does kind of imply that his attention was wandering away from the dream - You’re the only one who made me forget my dream and all that. So of course it’s also about reestablishing that relationship so that he can still chase the thing he wanted before he wanted Guts... because that’s the only desire he can still reach.

And I do find it notable that the self-harm imagery is evoked again both during and after the sex - because the first time this came up, Griffith had just prostituted himself for money and power. Which does kind of say something about how he views his relationship with Charlotte.

Now, much has been said about Griffith literally thinking about Guts while in mid-coitus with Charlotte - I really think that’s... kind of an obvious message. It’s really explicit in the OVAs where he hears Guts’ voice echoing in his head and every time we get a flashback to Guts, his excitement/responses audibly increase/quicken. So, you know, that is what it is.

Another thing is - Griffith keeps going back to that moment where Guts told him not to worry about being cruel, just like Guts keeps going back to the moment when Griffith asked him about it. It seemed like such a small thing at the time, but that moment lives on in Griffith’s mind as the man he loves approving of/condemning him to the pursuit of his ambitions at any cost. And it lives on in Guts’ mind as the moment when Griffith tried to reach out, and he didn’t understand it, and ended up turning him away.

Finally, on the question of whether this is a rape scene, please stop. Of course it isn’t a rape scene; if I'm being honest the only reasons I can think of to claim that it is are 1. because the person saying it is being disingenuous and just wants to find a reason to say Griffith was evil as a human or 2. Because they’re judging a 25+ year old Japanese comic by 2022 Western standards. I do appreciate greatly that the OVA altered the scene to make her consent clear... but I just wish.. people would keep context in mind before popping off. it’s a decades old story written for a target audience in a culture that to this day doesn’t mind the bodice ripper tropes as much as, say, America does. So I’m begging everyone to keep it in perspective.

Randomly, there are as I’ve said a bunch of minor edits to phrasing in the Deluxe books. In this case, the second line is changed to “is common blood beyond redemption?” which I think makes more sense in context - essentially “I have been arguing in your favor this whole time against people who claimed commoners should never be allowed to rise, and yet here we are; was I wrong the whole time?”

And then we reach the King scene which...

Here’s what I think, I think we should all just assume everything the King says about himself and Charlotte, or that Griffith says about the King and Charlotte, aside from extremely specific things like “she doesn't understand what it means to be a princess”... is meant to be a clue to Griffith’s mental state. I’m not getting into the equivalency between Griffith’s desire for a man and the King’s desire for his literal daughter because I think the point isn't about moral equivalence so much as it’s about emotional equivalence. Feelings that are untouchable for various reasons, that they hide in themselves and can’t even quite look at until they’re forced to the surface by loss. I also think this scene is incredbly important for unpacking Griffith’s personality and how his character “works.”

So that’s a pretty direct description of Griffith’s internal logic. It even uses the same phrasing - tens of thousands of corpses and all that - the idea that he is trapped into this role as the King, which he is good at but which wears him down - :"I cannot cease being king, there’s no way I can stop.” Griffith’s thoughts about the dream - if there’s one thing he owes to the dead, it’s to keep going, keep winning - the same logic used on him in the Eclipse when his guilt hits and he chases it off by deciding that if he stops it makes all those deaths and sacrifices pointless, so all he can do is keep going - there’s no way he can stop.

Even if it means living in a “blood-stained, meaningless world without value, where people’s lives are lost like insects” or...

-- as if they lives weren’t worth a single piece of silver, for example.

In this world where they are trapped in this role that confines them and breaks them down there is one thing - one person - who keeps the cold away. A single ray of hope that is warmth, and now they’ve lost it.

And this line - you’d rather have her, or no, don’t you want her to have you? I struggled with this line a bit because it seemed to be a distinction without a difference. But when I recently rewatched the OVA that line was translated as “or maybe you were patiently waiting for her to come to you,” which made the difference snap into place. Essentially it’s less that they (the king/griffith) wanted to pursue their object of desire (charlotte/guts) than that they wanted that person to come to them - to see them and want them.

And it’s interesting because if you follow the metaphor/analog logic that seems to imply that Griffith was sort of waiting and hoping. I don’t know how literal that is, I imagine it’s more of a revelation he’s starting to arrive at than something he was conscious of at the time he was doing it. But it is an interesting point.

But this is perhaps the most pointed moment of all - and a parallel Miura specifically draws attention to at the end of the chapter. But for now just think about the statements

- the great king... once renowned with majesty throughout the land is actually nothing more than a lonely, miserable [...] man who can’t find any reason to live beyond [the one he loves].

-”You’ve lived on by resigning yourself to the monster you envision but you’ve by no means tried to harness that monster. While you were born to the sword called the throne and held it, it was nothing more than a burden to you.”

That thing you hate but can never disengage from so you’ve just accepted it, resigned yourself to it, much like someone suffering from sunk cost fallacies when determining their life course might do. Interesting that he refers to the throne as a sword, too.

“You’ve done nothing more than not fail. How worthless.”

They have each come to this point through a series of victories, never having to face or deal with failure. And now here they are, and none of that means anything anymore.

That this is meant to be a Griffith parallel gets flagged twice. First:

The King’s tirade about how Griffith can’t possibly understand carrying people’s lives on his shoulders which, okay then. Followed by...

Griffith’s silent stare.

The thing is we know very well that he of course does understand that, because understanding that is how he ended up doing half the things he’s done. It’s having the lives of his men on his shoulders that made him go to Gennon, and that made him keep going largely out of a feeling of debt to the ones he couldn’t save. And then...

When Griffith refers to his own situation with the same word he used to sum up the King’s own fate. Because it’s Griffith his meaning can be a bit ambiguous but I basically take this line to be there first and foremost to tell the reader that all of that was meant to allude to Griffith’s internal logic and feelings as well... but also it’s him reiterating that everything he’s done and accomplished is worthless... and he ended up wasting all those lives and all that effort after all.

Now I’m not going to show images of Charlotte being assaulted by her father, the King, but I will say this much: Charlotte is one of the very few women in Berserk who is able to successfully fend off her own attacker without relying on someone to save her. Yes, she calls for Griffith but he obviously can’t do anything, and she still manages to protect herself. I’ll always have a bit of fondness for her based on that.

Also the King is a whole dickhead for killing (or trying to kill) all the innocent Hawks just because he was mad at Griffith.

Tha’ts it for now.

#berserk #berserk meta #rambles about berserk #mostly about griffith's mental breakdown this time

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bardictwink · 2 days

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just fr venting about my weird ass living situation

god so i've been in like... i don't wanna say it's an abusive living situation but i've essentially had the roommate from hell for two years. met her through work and we're friends. decide to take on the lease w/ her because there was one more empty room. i think i might have ignored signs because she had issues with other roommates before but i also had issues with the one (in hindsight i think the other girl might have been fed up because she was definitely being treated the same way by someone who was like, 7 years older than her lol).

this is all like spring summer 2022. things are going okay. we find another roommate who is pretty chill.

so, at this point we're sending the rent money to my one roommate and the company that owns our building takes it out of her account. she asks us every month to give her rent. she just completely stops paying the rent all together and i keep getting emails and court dates because theres like 4000 dollars owed in backdue rent that was never paid

all while she gets increasingly more hostile in behaviour, blaming everything on me. not cleaning up after herself and saying it's me. etc etc

she also steals my clothing and goes into my room w.o asking me to take said things. i would buy groceries and she wouldnt buy anything and just eat my stuff. ask me to get things like coffee and milk and make her and her longterm situationship (lol) coffee.

somehow manages to pay it all off. tells everyone in our personal life it was in fact, my fault she didn't pay her rent at all (while taking my money) (she said it was because i never bought groceries and never paid my rent). wasn't aware she was saying this so idk if it's just no one thought that was important info. since i didnt know this and we had signed on for another year i was like... maybe i can forgive this whatever, we're friends.

since we're the only ones on the lease and the other roommate isnt, we now have rent split in two and half comes from mine and hers. she is supposed to send me the remainder i'm owed from my other roommate. never sends it so i pay half the rent and am stuck in a cycle of poverty. continues to not buy groceries etc. continues to not clean except wjen she feels like it. leave huge messes, but gets mad if u like. forgot to put a sock away (sends photos on messenger with a ? mark)

still doesnt pay her rent at all so we owe 2500 again.

she has a full time job and makes more than me but she has a shopping addiction or something lol. i remember telling some friends and they thought drugs or something but like. it is fr clothing. the actual cost of the current place isnt that much with 3 people splitting rent + utilities.

anyway now we both found new places and we're both moving out in july. i was having trouble finding a place and she would ask lik "ooohhh what are u going to do? *pleading eye emoji* and then i said i was planning to move in with a certain friend and she went to tell that person that i'm an awful roommate and dont clean up after myself but thankfully my friend knows she's INSANE and has to be blameless. and idk. it just felt like such a weird thing to do when you know someone is trying to find a place to live. it's not like im moving out abruptly. she found a studio????

there was just soo much weird behaviour i felt like i was going crazy. any time i got sick or had a cold she would get super weird and defensive and tell me i'm a hypochondriac. and i mean like, over me getting a cold or the flu. i've called off work maybe once or twice in a year and she would get super weird about it and blame me for getting sick. this woman lies in bed most of the time she isn't working but if i decided to sleep a cold off... it's like the end of the world. but i thnk it's bc she was leeching off A UNIVERSITY STUDENT WHO WORKS PART TIME AND BARELY MAKES MORE THAN MINIMUM WAGE so obviously if i miss a shift it's a big deal (i was working like 25 hrs a week which is wayyyy too much for a student and since i had student loans i could afford to work less but whatever. my expenses have been needlessly higher bc ive had to deal with this)

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thatredobsessedgirlie · 3 months

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{Some mistakes can get made, thats alright, thats okay.} PT. 1

A/N: first fic so dont go like "oH i WaS sO HyPeD tHiS iS bAd!11!!!" i do not care and also bad grammar. Have fun.

Warnings! : Angst, implied child death, swearing, fights, violence.

The rain fell upon the small casket, a crasket with the words "BENJAMIN MALLARD" engraved on them. Those words shouldnt have been there, if it werent for those stupid fucking inbred, white haired bastards- Rayla shook her head, Whats the use of angrily thinking when its already happened? She thought, placing a single rose on the casket. Letting a single tear fall with the rain as it was lowered into the ground. All other sounds but her siblings' cries were silenced. She held her baby sister, Georgia, whom was only 1 and rightfully didnt understand why one of her big brothers wasn't coming back. Rayla breathed shakily, a baby in one of her arms, and on the other one, held the hand of her 5 year old brother, Waene, whom was inconsolable. Her two siblings Jane whom was 9, and her brother Warren whom was 10. Holding each other as they both sobbed for their brother Benjamin whom was only 8. After the service, she watched in a daze as each of her siblings went up into their rooms to mourn individually. She placed Georgia back in her cot after she fell asleep. She was a bit glad that they were off to their own business. "I cannot fucking control it anymore." She thought, walking out to the docks. "Where did that lazy beast fly off to now?" She whistled a shrill tune. Awaiting the familiar flaps of large wings, she turned and found her dragon Borinthros, a navy blue 13 year old dragon, larger than his age due to the fact there were crystals fused with his saddle from Old Valyria and he was raised in open skies. She scoffed, "I feed you and then you disappear for days?" She scolded the large beast, who seemed to growl back a response. "The next time you do that I'll stop hunting those elk you love eating so much you fat beast." she climbed up his saddle, and off they went their way to Kingslanding.

A/N : How was it yall, other parts will come soon if I can get off my lazy bum and do them. And if work loosens its leash on my life anyways thank you for reading lmao by the way backstories will be posted aswell so yeah

#angst #house of the dragon #hotd #oc #i love making my character suffer hahaha #first fic #more parts to come?#enjoy

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dearserenesoul · 3 months

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Space, Spacious, Headspace

Last night i slept dekat rumah Biing. Quarters for government servant. Quite spacious; 3 rooms, 2 bathrooms, 1 store. Ya Allah, one day if i get to buy a property like this, i'll be bersyukur sangat dah. I dream to have my own personal space like this too, under my name, with my own money <3

Comel je newlywed, baby is otw, duduk rumah cecomel sederhana macam ni. I wont demand much kalau dah jumpa jodoh and awal-awal kahwin macam ni. To have our small home we can decorate together, live together, mula bina hidup sesama dah bahagia sangat dah. A place of our own. Our little home for our little family. InshaAllah, one fine day.

. . .

Sebagai seorang yang masih grieving dan tak tahu dekat stage mana (i think im going back and forth between the stages), today i got new realization & reflection. I had a perception that he sees me as soft spoken manipulator. At first i was like...ehh. Takde lah marah tapi cam..whatt. But now i have new perspective as to what was going on back then. Both from my pov and his.

Before pergi rumah Biing, Kak Long belanja dinner dekat luar. As simple as dinner dekat luar ni made me reflect differently, because of the space around me.

I think i was so much in my head that my narrative, perception & attitude byk sgt problematic. Betul lah, i was so isolated, so indoor, my world mostly was just my bedroom and my screens, my space was too small, i was in worst place for my thesis too, and it affected my experience of us. Codependent big time. Our dynamic was the largest part of my life. While for him, seorang yang berkerja corporate everyday, even sometimes he gets busy sampai lewat malam, battling his mental health issue lagi, definitely his perception was 180° beza from me. I was careless to understand his place properly. We were really on different page, both in life and in our dynamic.

I was so wrong, so codependent and i wasnt aware that i executed misbehaviours that most probably can be perceived as manipulative. I was clingy and expressive. I thought i was being genuine and honest when in fact it can came across as love bombing. I was the one who has crush on him so i operated from this place of lovey dovey, while he was still in the getting to know me phase; who's this girl, what about herself and her life. Our attachment and investment were not the same.

I remember he said to me many times, "kita take it slow okay, temper expectation okay". What i filter thru my ears was: he's not serious, he's unsure, this is one sided, he plays me yada yada. I got mad at him a lot too. For him, having partner is just the last missing piece because he has other commitments and struggles. He used to be so heart broken, he must had wanted to be careful, while i was so anxious and moved too fast.

I dont want to make any conclusion about who he is as a person. Im sure, the way he didnt get to see the version of me with others and he only got to see my worst, i believe its vice versa. So because of this blank spaces, im still hopeful. Betul lah, we can be angel in some stories, but villain in others because every dynamic brings out different version of us. And i still want to give him the benefit of the doubt & cut him some slack. As far as i've dealt with him, i see his good sides as well as his weakness, just like i have both too.

Idk, as my perspective and reflection get wider, internally i can no longer be so sure as to what should i feel and think. Things rarely black and white. But im more clear. Maybe my hope comes from the place where i choose to see the good side and am still curious about what could have become, given i do better for what is in my control. And also, sebab memang takde rasa nak do this thing dengan orang lain lagi. Like, ada orang dia try je with new people kalau ada lil bit interest tu. But for me, it takes more to start again. I need to have spark of feeling for the other party. I'm not doing this thing just because. Even before i made a proper move on him, i took approximately six months to observe him and had few casual conversations to get the rough idea.

I'm still grieving and still taking my time to reflect things, and the most important thing is to focus on myself. In this state of mind and heart, it's very easy to fall into 'damsel in distress' mode and just want to quickly have someone new to 'save' me from this misery. As romantic as it sounds, it's not healthy for myself, as well as unfair for anyone to get involve with me. If i were to start again and i hope it to permanently last, i need to be well prepared and in my good enough shape.

. . .

Although people say that condominium has its own drawbacks, i really appreciate having this wide far view from above. Rasa luas dunia, terasa lapang dada dan headspace. My house is typical housing area. Pandang ke luar tingkap, nampak rumah orang and the view is so limited. Reason why dulu masa undergrad dekat UIA, tiga tahun tu i picked bilik level atas. Rezeki mata dan eye sight.

. . .

Or maybe i just need some time to be redha to let go and utilize every lesson from the past mess to be and do better in the future with someone else.

#grief journal

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ardn632-haydenmiddleton · 9 months

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“PICTURES OR IT DIDNT HAPPEN” ARTICLE ANALYSIS

This article talks about how the act and art of photography is now easily accessible and widespread, and what that means for photographers and world as a whole. It talks about the way we express ourselves and our identity through photography and social media, how we can almost write down our own story, which sounds like a really good thing to be able to do. Although for some it can become a thing filled with pressure to present the most perfect identity to the world. I’ve heard this talking point plenty of times that I personally feel no pressure to show myself in a particular light or way, I guess now with the connectedness of the internet there is less room for private thought or imagery which can become an issue. In fact I’m a big enjoyer of being able to capture or “write” down my story through simple snapshot images thanks to the technology of smartphone cameras.

Although I understand what the article means when it says how the supply and demand of an image has changed and every similar, basic, homogeneous photography someone takes and uploads ultimately strips away a small part of the art of photography’s value. I’d argue that this isn’t true though and it’s exclusionary to think that these basic snapshots aren’t somewhat important in their own way, what we are creating now is a widespread archive of photos from everyday people of everyday lives. And anyways I think there’s also been a splitting over time of what is thought out, photography for the sake of art, photographs and then also this category of photography for the sake of archival and preservation which is just as powerful now that it can reach the average person and not someone rich and with a lot of free time to buy and develop photograph raws. I think unbeknownst to us these trends and filters being made will become something people look back on nostalgically like early social media users felt with “nostalgic” and “vintage” photo filters which depicted the quality and texture of old processed photographs. Maybe it won’t be as impactful as these photo processing methods simply because it isn’t a crazy advancement in technology, but digital cameras now and smartphone cameras have sort of hit this wall in terms of how much more realistic we can capture the world around us, and now it is up to us to continue developing the artistic world around it, which also includes filters I believe, and then other experimental photography techniques. It’s our turn to push this technology far, creatively and as we please, like how William Mumler and William Hope discovered how to do “spirit photography” by using long exposure or photo manipulation techniques.

Also in defense against the claims of digital photography being lost, it is just as likely for a box of physical photographs to be lost, burnt, destroyed, damaged, as it is for digital copies of photos to be lost, so this argument feels silly to me. Of course it is important to keep our photos safe, especially keepsakes, but I wouldn’t feel any more safer with these images printed out. There are plenty of ways to back up images digitally which can help increase the safety of the preservation of images, more so than there is for physical photos I believe.

Maybe I’m too optimistic or hopeful, but photography is beautiful, even if majority now of photography online in social media is just thousands of images of selfies or “food porn”, think about the thousands of photographers and photography artists who are now working creatively and taking photos thoughtfully, pushing the boundaries of photography and art in their own way. There are probably so many creatives out there who would have never been able to get their foot out there in photography before due to expenses, or lack of resources or time. This widely accessible ability to photography only continues to aid artists and our knowledge and understanding of what photography can become. And it takes some looking and digging but underneath the average sea of snapshot photography, you can also find these hidden gems, people who are really talented just online or on social media.

Overall, especially near the end of the article, I just got a bad taste in my mouth about the attitude the writer had towards the modernisation of photography. I understand a lot of the points yes, but I also just believe that photography doesn’t just need to be for the elite or perfectly done. For a lot of people, photography and using filters on their photos is just for fun and we should let people have their fun. I also don’t agree that there’s some kind of issue of self behind people who use vintage filters. I think people who use filters have a perfectly normal pace at figuring out their self or identity and that a vintage filter that a social media app has to offer will in no way affect that in an extreme way and it feels like a crazy leap to make against todays people or communities.

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