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fiiiishfry
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cowboysparadise
Appreciator of M
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Nak nyenyenye tapi dah tak reti nyenyenye. Dulu kalau demam mesti nyenyenye ngan bestie then she would manjakan me. Now dah tak reti nak nyenyenye ngan bestie. Nak nyenyenye ngan pakwe, tak pernah ada pakwe. Tak reti dah nak bercinta, tapi nak bercinta so that bila demam boleh nyenyenye 馃ゲ
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Kenapa cuti sakit kena ada mc? Kita sakit nak rest kat rumah. Bukan semua benda kena gi klinik habiskan duit 馃槶
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Sabar, sabar dan sabar. Sabar lagi dan lagi. Sabar tak berhenti.
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The way i sometimes feel disconnected even from the soul tribe. Not because it's not aligned at the soul level, but at the physical level. Sometimes i just feel...that disconnection. The kind of feeling of being separated. Being alone. Kinda lonely. Like i'm left with nothing but only to rely on my God and only my God.
Connection is really that deep for me. And that's how i know, selagi you don't cut connection from Allah, you're not alone, Shirin. He never left & won't leave.
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I want to be a good woman. A good wife. A good mother. Ya Allah, please allow me to get married & please bless me with the best spouse of Your choice, that would help me to be a good woman, wife & mother; and all are for the sake of living Your din for Your sake. Ya Allah please allow me. Provide for me everything I need, sufficient & enough for me, as You see befitting & best for me. I'm worried & i can only rely on You. Ya Allah, i only have You to rely on.
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Dear self,
Be your best self. Do your best. May Allah guide you to live your best life. May Allah provide for you what you need & you shall be grateful.
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Takpe, husnuzhon okay. Rezeki tak salah alamat :) Doa banyak-banyak, luruskan niat, letakkan usaha yang selayaknya. Tenang, sayang. It's just a temporary life. Tenang, sayang.
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Walaupun setiap kali penat fikir pasal future career endeavour akan rasa cam..."ah nak jadi suri rumah je lah", i still want to work although kahwin dengan laki kaya-raya nak splurge me kat rumah pun. Cuz i want to do it for myself, for my own potentials & best place in the outside world. Fikir nak suami yang tak kisah if i work or not tu sebab nak ada tempat rehat & landing kalau kita rasa penat dengan career je. Like, biar kita boleh kejar our cita-cita tu sebab kita mahu, bukan kita perlu out of kesempitan hidup. Like, kalau tetiba kena pilih anak-anak over my own cita-cita & potentials, i have lelaki yang bertanggungjawab to take care of me & protect me & i can just focus on my priority kat anak-anak.
Even kalau takde anak lagi pun, i feel like nak kerja juga. Contoh paling dekat bestie lah. Masa dia struggle to adapt dengan her marriage, she realized how codependent she is & her life mostly about the marriage other than her thesis yang quite not in a good state too. Sama lah macam masa i was full time student & got involved romantically with someone. Dunia kita kecik. Kalau ada problem dengan dia je or bila bestie ada problem dengan her husband je, benda tu take up most of our mental & emotional state. But it's different bila kita ada benda lain kita kena cater. Sedih pun sedih lah. Grieve pun grieve lah. Tapi bila kena pergi kerja awal pagi, kita seret kaki juga. Bila kena focus hadap laptop kat office, kita stop nangis juga. Nak nangis pun, masa nak tidur je lah. Tapi tu pun dah tak selalu sebab kita exhausted giler dengan daily work life. Balik rumah collapse terus tak sempat nak nangis 馃ス馃槀
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Dah rekindle dengan bestie last Tuesday. But i was still hesitating so i sounded dry & replied to her pendek-pendek. She oso macam held back. So semalam i texted her again. Still rasa we both macam held back & still being careful.
But then bestie tetiba asked about my job. Kito nyo dah lama simpan sensorang tak sembang dengan sesiapa pasal my experience kerja. Takkan nak sembang ngan colleagues kot. Dengan diorang mesti lah dynamic lain, biar nampak kita function & into the works lol. Dengan sai pun jarang je, dia pun busy.
So when she asked, haih dah lah takyah held back. Blurt out je. She's your bestie, sayang. Nak merajuk lama mana lah sangat. 9 tahun dah kan sayang each other. Jangan sebab satu benda yang buat kita marah, kita lupa semua good things. Tak ada orang perfect dalam dunia ni. Even your bestie who gets you at soul level, akan ada friction juga 馃ス馃挒
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I cannot be this sad anymore. I need my old self back. I've always cried. But never this sad. I don't want to be this sad anymore. I just want my old self back.
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I know i need to let you go already. I cant be in denial, cant be hopeful anymore.
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There are things that will remind me of you, and that very instance will reignite what i felt back then, all the mixed feelings but mostly love that i want to pour & longing.
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Masa bagitahu abah im gonna masuk ikim, abah kata masuk je lah. But abah being abah yang dah panjat career ladder sampai the top of his jabatan, he said,
"Tapi kalau boleh apply yang lain, apply lah. Ikim tu kecik je. Dia tak circulate tempat lain. Jadi lecturer pun tak circulate."
Senang cerita, abah nak sangat anak-anak dia masuk kerja gomen yang circulate merata macam abah yang asyik kena pindah tempat kerja, end up kitorang pun pindah sekolah 馃槳 asalkan buka application ptd je, mesti suruh anak-anak minta. Kito nyo tak minat kerja ptd.
Now i know where i get my perfectionist tendency. Dari kecik, abah only reward me when i get to the top of the class. Selalu lah dapat reward masa dapat no.1 tapi bila tetiba no.2 je takde reward, sis 馃ゲ masa upsr & pmr & spm pun abah reward ikut bilangan A's. Lol. I know abah berniat baik, tapi i wont repeat that one particular rewarding system 馃槀
Tapi ada legit concern abah pasal circulation tu. Kerja tetap memang lah best. Tapi kalau tak circulate, boleh pishang duduk tempat sama je. And i know myself. Cepat rasa mundane, nak ada growth & change. So yeah. Maybe i will tolerate & change my principles juga. Relax lah sis. You're just starting. Jauh lagi perjalanan. Unless dapat suami kaya raya murah hati setia tak kisah pun i tak kerja & paling penting dia tetap setia & tak kedekut. Macam abah terhadap mama 馃グ
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Hari ni masuk meeting pusat syarak. First time in three months here. Haritu akademik punya. Lagi besar. But syarak is specific to my area of study. So i get to listen to what kind of research they usually do.
But i hate this feeling. This undeniable urge to question things in my head.
"Lepas buat semua research ni, then?" I thought to myself. Then repeat again & again.
Rasa macam, why kena buat semua ni? To what extent is the reach, is the impact?
I'm not questioning my superiors & bosses. I'm questioning myself. Diorang akan buka new post untuk pegawai gred 41. Gila ke tak nak kerja tetap ada better gaji. Tak duduk diam bila Dr Farid announced dalam meeting tadi. Like, ya Allahhh nakkk. Please make it my rizq. But it's gonna be an open post. Haih berebut lah. And i know my place. But i want it to be my rizq 馃ズ
It's okay, what's meant for you is already yours. What's not will never be 馃ス
But yeah, idk why that thought crossed my mind. Rasa macam, entah. How to put it into words. As if I don't find meanings & purpose in it. More like for my sustenance, and at least it would be something I'm willing to hadap everyday.
I want to live better but my mind keeps on questioning things, their meanings & purposes.
The kind of shenanigan we pulled on the office floor when the guys went to solat jumaat 馃槀
. . . . .
This is Kak Wan. Such a sweet & soft soul. Masa mula-mula jumpa Kak Wan kat sini, kebetulan ada Dr Nik kat sebelah. She be like,
"Ini ke RA baru Dr Nik? Alahai comel je."
Dr Nik be like, "Kan? Comel kan?" 馃槒
Ishhh 馃ス Masa tu Kak Wan was staring at me macam adore giler 馃槀馃挅 usually i will rasa segan bila orang buat macam tu. But her stare was a soft stare, with a smile. Dia adore kita, kita rasa nak adore dia balik. Salam dia pun dia pegang tangan lama-lama 馃ス馃グ
Kak Wan wfh most of the time so jarang jumpa dia. Harini baru jumpa dalam meeting. So we had a photoshoot for the meeting. She stood next to me. Despite not being that close & tak banyak sembang pun lagi dengan Kak Wan, she remains the same macam memula jumpa. So soft with me, putting her hand around me masa photoshoot 馃ス馃挅
I cannot tau orang lovey dovey touchy touchy ngan i (perempuan je lah). I'm so soft hearted kalau orang soft with me.
Kak Wan nak gi haji next month. Saje sembang tadi, "Nak kirim doa boleh?"
Kak Wan kata dulu dia gi umrah ada orang minta doakan jodoh. Dah kahwin dah dia sekarang. Maybe kalau kak wan yang so soft & kind to me make du'a for me, maybe lagi makbul 馃ス馃げ馃徎馃挅
. . . . .
Well, not really. Kalau kita being in touch to the ground, our research will answer the problems of the community & particularly in religion itself. Apa benda yang kacau kefahaman Islam masyarakat kita sekarang? That one kita buat research or tulis paper or produce any work to provide answer.
Do that lah. InshaAllah, if it's your rizq & your proper place, do your best like that okay, sis.
. . . . .
When Dr Asham asked Dr Farid about the new post, Dr Farid said something like, ikim punya focus lebih kepada contemporary. Kalau more academic would be for universities & jakim. I nak gilerrrrr masuk jakim but susah. Quota untuk perempuan pun sikit compared to lelaki. Dulu masa abah masih kp, nak apply masuk jakim pun takleh. Kalau boleh apply pun, abah yang akan approve. Mana boleh nepo. So takleh apply terus. Now that dah boleh, i think macam already too late dah for me altho abah sendiri dulu mula kerja kat jakim masa 28 tahun. Entahlah. Mana-mana rezeki terbaik dari Allah je lah. Nak bercita-cita jadi suri rumah pun, takde suami lol.
. . . . .
Sometimes i have this thought that i deserve better. Tapi aku ni overestimate myself lah kot. Tapi kadang rasa tak layak sangat pun compared to other people. Tapi i know i want to do better so i deserve better. Itu lah. Mana boleh rasa entitled macam tu. Rezeki ni Allah punya. Kalau Allah nak bagi, bagi lah. Kalau tak, tak kira lah awak fikir awak deserve better ke, tak worthy ke, bukan rezeki awak juga.
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Ya Allah, semoga shirin dapat kekosongan jawatan pegawai aqidah & perbandingan agama ya Allah 馃げ馃徎馃槶馃檹馃徎
Okay, kena solat hajat everyday sampai tarikh tutup.
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Memang ada hari yang sangat slow. Bila orang kata kahwin tu ibadah yang panjang, ada turun naik sama macam ibadah lain, betul lah. Hari ni bangun before subuh pun i dont do tahajjud. Now dah 8.30 pagi pun rasa malas nak dhuha. Kita memang akan ada turun naik tu. Imagine the one yang tengah down tu partner kita, so the way dia show up pun lain. My anxious attachment self mesti tak duduk diam, takut disconnected. Dengan tuhan pun kita rasa disconnected sometimes, sis. I hope i will settle down with someone who understands this. Everything ebbs & flows. And masa we ebb, i hope he understands that doesn't mean we're not in us anymore. And we will revive us again when we can. Okay, jom dhuha.
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Sometimes i would feel so tired to have to leave for work too early in the morning everyday to avoid getting stuck in traffic for too long, but then i would say subhanAllah everytime i see the sky changing colours and the sun peeking at the horizon throughout my way to work.
Sometimes, it's only by looking for Him in every small thing that makes it more bearable.
Just Him.
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