does anyone have any hacks for how to actually read scholarly stuff & absorb it?

i'm trying to read these essays & stuff in a class i'm really interested in yet i can't physically focus on it enough to actually process what's going on

I just finished "Moth Left The Flame Burning" and man—you can't just leave me on a cliff hanger I wanna know what happens next.

I'm just imagining this platonic relationship turning into this one-sided "romance" where Vox is just dependent on reader since so far they're the only healthy relationship he has. He confuses their kindness for (romantic) love, He thinks it's love but really it's just his abandonment issues so he clings on to reader since Val is gone. This could either go two ways, reader tries to help Vox or Vox projects and makes reader his "new Val"

Now thinking about it, I really enjoy reading mentally unstable Vox lmao

You have read my mind.

*Little spoiler for pt.2*

So I actually had an idea like that for part two, it’s not directly stated but implied. When at one point reader tried to go somewhere Vox tries to like get romantic with them, because in my story Valentino would make Vox think that to earn his affection he had to do it through sexual matters.

So I like to think that Vox kind of assumes that’s normal, and that to convince people to not leave him he has to do something for them, whether sexual or not.

Because he’s so used to Valentino being gone off with other people like Angel Dust, and he’s scared to be replaced. So to counter that he tries to make himself more appealing to Valentino, so that Val with realize Vox is the one he would love. But it’s really hard for Vox because of Valentino being…. Valentino.

I honestly think their relationship is so toxic (but it could get a tad better if they get through their issues eventually together) with Valentino sleeping with so many people and his obsession with Angel dust, and Vox with his abandonment and dependency issues, thinking he’s always second best to Angel dust.

So it could eventually lead to some jelousy or resentment of angel dust from vox in the show

Now back to reader (sorry I got a tad off topic I just woke up and my ADHD meds haven’t kicked in)

Vox would def have a dependency on reader in an unhealthy way. Like he goes to them for validation and comfort, which normally is okay. But he gets so obsessive to the point where he freaks out if he thinks they like someone more than him, or are going to quit. So he would try and use manipulation tactics to get them to stay.

Honestly still toxic, but if your version of reader is empathetic but can see through the manipulation tactics that Vox uses and helps him, he could end up gaining some more stability and better coping mechanisms.

I personally couldn’t see him trying to make them be like Valentino, but more like a replacement of his figure in Vox’s life. Like he would try to put reader on a position where he doesn’t have complete control over them, but where they stay with him to make sure he’s okay and stick by his side.

Like the aura of Val being someone who cares about Vox (which I think he does imo) but can also take initiative in trying to “help” him.

Thank you for coming to my Ted talk. (These are just my opinions, if you don’t agree with them or have other ones that’s perfectly okay and I respect that :) )

Also idk when pt 2 will be coming out because I’m going to be working on requests Gino’s, but expect slow ass updates because exams are coming soon.

Idk about your intentions, and feel free to ignore me if I’m wrong, but Mikey sounds like a maladaptive daydreamer lol.

Just some background, maladaptive daydreamers use these huge fictional worlds called paracosms to escape reality. Some people do it because of anxiety or stress, but some do it as like a coping mechanism (which is how I’d see Mikey doing it based on your dissociation post) People with maladaptive daydreaming can stim while doing it, like rocking back and forth, pacing, etc, but some can master the art of being able to sit still and just daydream whenever. There’s almost an addictive aspect to it, and a lot of daydreamers have to take adhd or anxiety meds to shake it

Would Mikey stim at first but learn to stay still after Splinter lectured him too many times? Would his paracosm be the book that he’s writing about killing splinter? Idk feel free to look at this like I’m crazy but this subject is very close to my heart as I’m a daydreamer myself.

OK SO like. I don't know. and I don't know if Mikey has maladaptive daydreaming for a specific reason.

That being that I'm basing him on myself. I spent a lot (AND I DO MEAN A LOT) of my time in my head as a kid. I don't really know what a paracosm is so I'm not sure if I was exploring within them. but there are huge chunks of my childhood i really only remember via the emotional exploration I was doing inside these fictional worlds. Like most of puberty for me was just imagining gay fictional gods and forbidden love and abuse and violence and at all that. and it's hard for me to tell if that was a bad thing because it's linked to a very integral part of my personality- that being the desire to tell and experience stories.

I was always dragging around paper and pencils to draw these imagined worlds. But i was also often just sitting with my eyes closed (or sometimes opened, but closed if I wanted to really focus)

if I was painfully bored, or very anxious (which happened often, basically any time i was outside the house or not watching tv or playing a game) I would do this. If I was stuck in a car or a room while my siblings were fighting violently, I would force myself to try to only think about my characters. If the talk radio host was getting on my nerves I would try to drown him out by thinking about my characters going through their worlds and getting in fights and having sex and all that stuff.

this got even better (or worse, considering how you think of it) once I got earbuds/headphones and access to my cousins old ipod. I was finally able to fully block out the world and only, ONLY ever think of my stories. just how I'd always wanted.

and sure, I was always kind of spacey, but even when I wasn't thinking of stories and art I was bad at paying attention the way adults liked. I think adults liked me more when I was just sitting there thinking anyway, instead of being hyper and then having an emotional breakdown when i realize they thought I was annoying.

There was a particularly vibrant time for daydreaming around puberty where i had dozens if not around a hundred different intricate stories that I started to overlap, just because. And I'd go through them over and over, adding or changing little things, making up reasons that the characters would all end up living in the same bunker or fighting the same enemy. making up reasons for the god of war and his little lamb prince to be torn apart. making up reasons for them to attack each other. then forcing them back together through all the trauma.

and recalling these spaces makes me kind of shiver because they're almost like real memories to me. I remember thinking of these scenarios more than I remember my real life around 11-12 years old. And i think that's largely because after I got my blackbelt at around 11 years old, my parents let me quit karate, and didn't force me to do any more sports or anything. So for the most part I legit never left the house. My entire life was in these stories and in my art.

I really only stopped doing this once I got sent off to high school at around 13-14 and was basically FORCED to participate in the real world more.

but I did that all on purpose. i was bored, and i hated other kids because they never clicked with me. and it never seemed to interrupt my life in a way that my parents noticed or cared about. in fact it was the only thing that kept me from being actively suicidal for a while there!

so like. i don't know man. i don't know.

hi! we dont know each other but ive stumbled upon your posts in which you describe your anxiety brain and borrowing trouble from the future and i can totally relate to that. and it sounds a lot like ocd, which i know i have... idk if this would be helpful

sometimes i do see things about ocd that i relate to. i think a lot of the underlying thought patterns and fears are probably similar. i don't think i respond to them in the way that somebody with ocd does, though -- i don't experience compulsions and don't find any relief from behaving in certain ways or performing certain rituals, i just experience profound dread and physical discomfort until i'm able to forget about the thing that triggered the anxiety or i move on to something else

my sister has ocd, which i only learned recently (we don't live together and aren't super close), but again, although i see overlap between our experiences, i think we respond to those triggers differently and find different things helpful/harmful. obviously everyone is different so that doesn't rule out the possibility that i'd also have it, but i think it makes it less likely

generally i think my issues are largely attributable to generalised anxiety disorder, some kind of brainweirds (not sure if autistic or have adhd or both), and a solid dose of complex trauma that contributes a fair amount of hypervigilance and fear to the proceedings which make standard anxiety tactics less helpful

i think all mental health diagnoses are labels we give to certain groups of symptoms rather than like. firmly grouped Conditions between which there can be no overlap, though. some aspects of anxiety and ocd are very similar, and some are different -- the same stars in different constellations. i think i score more points in the anxiety chart, so that's where i am for now, but doesn't mean i'm not experiencing some of the same things, if that makes sense (and it also doesn't mean that some coping mechanisms designed for one condition won't work just because i don't think i fit under that label -- sometimes they do)

you know whenever i write my reports for work i make sure to go through and bold certain words in my paragraphs and i noticed i'm really the only one on my team that does it but i just got a comment from someone that it made it easier to read and i realized

oh

this is an adhd thing

this is a coping mechanism i developed to help me read long blocks of text, and i just kind of instinctively do it whenever i'm writing something technical now

like i mean, i was doing it intentionally, i have all these rules kind of in my head of what words get bolded (it's not just random) but i never really connected that the why of it is an accessibility thing for me

and idk, i just think that's neat, that this thing that is so often incredibly disabling for me in so many tiny, bullshit ways, also leads me to format text in such a way that it's easier to read, which i feel like helps people other than myself

I am SO with you, i one-hundred-million-trillion percent need to be tested for ADHD. My friend, I just reblogged a post off you with vigorous agreement before realising that you had, in fact, reblogged it from me. That’s the third time this week 😆

Haha! 😆 In your defense, I use the queue a lot so you might have originally reblogged them a month or more ago and they're only showing up on my blog again now. But I feel you - I have been meaning to look into a diagnosis literally for years now but it's such a pain to get a GP appointment I always end up ringing about something more urgent first. I was speaking to someone at work who is theoretically on the waiting list for an assessment and they told me that at the current rate our NHS trust is getting through patients (was something like 8 per year?) it will take 256 years to get through the waiting list. So I may need to just see what kind of self-led therapies and coping mechanisms I can find because, uh, I don't think I'm gonna live that long...

(Also I'm pretty sure I had a queued post go through the other day that I'd reblogged a week or two back and somehow it didn't have tags on it. Idk. Who knows what I'm doing...not me, that's for sure.)

Advice for anyone who's got issues they think might be from neurodivergence but aren't sure if they have said ND, if you think a coping mechanism that helps with traits of a neurodivergence will help you just try it and see if the coping mechanism helps you.

Don't stress about "but stim toys are only for people with adhd or autism and idk yet if I have either of those!" Or "this coping mechanism is meant for BPD not schizophrenia and Im only diagnosed with the later" Worry about your diagnosis later. If you find it helps you, it helps you!

When you're struggling and think you've found something that will help and it's not going to harm you or anyone else there's really not much reason to not atleast try to see if it does help. Its not going to hurt people who have been diagnosed with adhd if you personally buy a stim toy if you're just normal about it & use it as intended.

If it doesn't help then atleast you tried and know that specific thing isn't for you، but if it helps does it really matter whether you're diagnosed yet? Getting diagnosed for some is lengthy process, and sometimes you just need a quick solution.

This also goes for physical issues too, even if you aren't diagnosed with something but you need a cane to help you walk go ahead it's not harming anyone and it will only help you.

Oh and before someone takes this the wrong way, this is not about medications or anything like that- for that you should talk to professionals about taking since that *can* do harm if you aren't on the right things. This is purely about simple aids & coping strategies that at worst might not work for you but ultimately won't do any harm.

and im pretty sure dream also talked about suggesting that george use adhd coping mechanisms (like for organization/productivity) and that it helped him 😭 i think its just One Of Those Things ya know

yeah that was the same podcast 😭 i think this topic is very similar to the george is lazy -> we find out later he was severely depressed thing in 21/22 where it’s like Well i couldve told you that but it’s just like, idk socially not acceptable to armchair doctor someone (even if you witness someone exhibiting something you have personal experience with)

There’s a youtuber I watch, I won’t mention her cause I don’t want people giving her shit in the comments (not that I think most of you would, but y’know, it’s the Internet) and she’s recently got on this really... anti-tech bend in which she is referring to her enjoyment of cell phone usage as an “addiction”. And while for sure being constantly wired and “on” is harmful, especially doom scrolling twitter, the things she is describing doesn’t sound like addiction to me, but rather ADHD brains seeking dopamine feedback. And honestly? Making broad, sweeping comments like “cell phones are so harmful, and if you can’t just sit still and be present in the moment you have an addiction” is... making me very uncomfortable.

Like, you want me to pay attention to something? Sure, I can do that. For limited amounts of time. You want my sustained attention for hours? Not gonna happen. Unless I’m hyperfixating, nothing is going to hold my attention span for hours on end. And generally speaking, people enjoy the initial upswing of my fixations, but they don’t enjoy the prolonged outcome of me neglecting to self care for eight hours straight because my brain decided this is the only thing I’m going to focus on to the point where I forget to eat, drink, sleep, or even go to the bathroom. So when people tell me they want my undivided attention, I like to tell them they really don’t.

What I can give you however, is a rational amount of attention with the aid of things like stim and fidget toys to keep my brain from wandering for the duration of whatever we’re doing. Sometimes that can even look like scrolling mindlessly on my phone. Speaking personally, most of my attention will be on what you’re saying. I’m just giving my brain background noise to focus on while I actually process what you’re saying/doing.

And you know what? Learning to both do this and accept that I need to do this and I’m not a horrible person for not being able to 100% focus unaided, has been actively helpful and healthful for my mental health. I get fewer ADHD meltdowns, which yeah, can occur with both over stimulation and under stimulation as well. 

My brain needs some of that instant gratification because it’s dopamine starved. And what might be a problem for some people, and I genuinely believe it is... Making these sweeping statements about addiction, which is a very serious mental health issue, and making it part of your “I shun technology” spiel you’re on while running a business through YouTube is... not as sincere as you perhaps hope it is. But of course, it’s the shunning of technology as evil, so the comments are just filled with “god, you’re so right, we should all go back to before we had smart technology”, inevitably posted from an iphone with absolutely zero self awareness or sense of irony.

And then when I brought up ADHD and neurodivergency in the discord it was liked I’d just asked “who wants to kick puppies?!” and ended up muting the thread because it was easier to peace out than listen to the whole “you don’t have ADHD, sweety, you’re just highly sensitive” bullshit that is becoming more and more common in these types of groups.

Idk, the whole thing just... rubbed me the wrong way. Especially because the things she were labeling as “signs of addiction”, said in such a scandalized manner, were actually hallmarks of what I now recognize as neurodivergency. And while addiction is a major problem with ADHD—specifically with unmedicated and undiagnosed individuals who have been forced to try and rectify their lack of dopamine on their own—shunning what are honestly harmless coping mechanisms is not going to help those people. 

So you check twitter while watching TV. So what? Oh, you checked your phone ten times a day? So what? Is it actively harming you? Is it harming your mental health? Are you doom scrolling? Is it harming those around you? Are you idealizing Instagram too much and putting yourself down? Then yeah, those are bad. Maybe work on that. 

But also maybe consider you might just blaming the phone for other problems in your life you’re not addressing cause it’s easier to blame technology than it is to even consider for one second you might have ADHD.

Idk. Thanks for coming to my rambling TED talk. I’m off to read a book while listening to a podcast about a different book.

i remember you saying you have anxiety and i was wondering if you have any tips for that? not forced or anything

i think the not forced tone tag is my favorite like of course you can't force me lmao

anyways yes i do. obligatory i'm not a professional maybe try talking to one if it's bad. but if you're talking general anxiety idk if i'm the best one for advice. my anxiety is more uhh chronic. you know when you're sitting at the top of a rollercoaster about to drop and your stomach has a pit in it that anxious flight or fight type of adrenaline and your brain is like 'woah what if we die' but 24/7 always for me including in dreams type of anxiety

so i don't have much in terms of coping mechanisms other than telling your brain it's wrong. dwelling on the anxious thoughts usually enforces them/makes them worse. if you're thinking 'oh i just failed that test' well actually you have no clue and worrying about it won't make you feel better or change the outcome. if a situation isn't vibing with you even if you think it's stupid to leave do. intuition can save lives and even if it was nothing staying and trying to convince yourself doesn't make it better. but also maybe you're not having a good time with your friends and you wanna sleep and your body is trying to tell you.

distractions are always good. deep breaths like honestly just stopping and taking deep breaths really helps. making sure you're showering, eating, sleeping, brushing your teeth, drinking water. maybe go outside and get some fresh air. put a break in your routine. if tasks are overwhelming you try making a list.

my anxiety, paranoia, and adhd all sort of overlap so i think i gave you advice for all three but best of luck anon. if you had a specific scenario i might be more useful but i mean it deep breaths in and out it'll all be okay

lion primary + slightly burnt lion secondary (badger secondary model) (bird secondary model)

i hope you’re having an amazing day!! here’s my SHC dilemma:

i know my primary is lion, and it feels a little exploded, at that, but at least i know what’s up. but im still extremely confused about my secondary. i tried looking through other submissions, but i didn’t really find anything i vibed with 100%, but then again i have adhd and im really struggling going through all that text, it just kinda blurs together at some point

so, my secondary. taking the test, i always get burnt, often with a vague hint towards bird. at first i immediately adopted that and decided i was a burnt bird, but the more i go the less that feels right to me and i think it might be some sort of model.

Yeah. “doesn’t feel right.” Definitely see the Lion in your sorting.

working by elimination, im pretty certain im not a snake secondary. that ish doesn’t even sound real to me, i know there are people like this because i know a couple, but it’s just so weird to me that some people are just able to improvise so effectively, and seemingly change themselves like that, and they?? enjoy it?? it does sound dope, like i admire it, but wtf. 

Lion secondaries can get very *does not compute* when trying to get their head around Snake secondaries. I’m considering Lion for you. 

i do act differently in different situations or with different people, but i don’t think i have “personas” as much as degrees of awkwardness 

I see the burnt secondary. You’re definitely talking yourself down here. But the way you talk about “degrees of awkwardness” does make me think about the way Lion secondaries “change faces” by modulating intensity. 

depending on how much my anxiety is acting up, and the more anxious i am, the more i act like a doormat and revert to the proper manners i was taught, but like… that’s not me, and it’s not done on purpose, i don’t enjoy it. 

Looks like somebody’s got an unhealthy Badger secondary model.

it feels gross not to be able to act like myself, whatever the hell that is.

And you didn’t vibe with the Lion descriptions? This is the first time I’m reading though this and… very interested to get to the part where you talk about why you think you’re not a Lion. 

im also convinced im not a bagder - my mother is, and there are a lot of those in my community, so i was raised thinking that was the best way to be, an ideal to work towards, but it’s just not comfortable for me, i don’t wanna do it.

Yeah, this would that  unhealthy Badger secondary model you were talking about. ^

i don’t even think i *can* do it. i mean, “showing up and doing the work” is pretty hard with adhd, and not even the most efficient way of getting stuff done (at least for me), and thinking of the group and what i can do in that group is annoying. also i get that asking for help is important sometimes but it still feels like that’s just admitting i can’t figure out how to do it myself, which, yikes (don’t come at me i know it’s unhealthy)

Hey, breathe. It’s okay. Nobody is going to make you be a Badger secondary. Clearly you’ve spent enough time struggling under the weight of a model that doesn’t suit you, and now you’re pushing back against everything Badger extra hard. 

id rather find a group im a good fit for instead of molding myself to please others. 

See, that’s an exaggerated, caricatured way of conceptualizing how a Badger secondary works… but I’m not surprised that you think about it that way.

whatever i do, it needs to come from me.

… you’ve got a very loud Lion secondary. 

anyway im somewhere between lion and bird, and at first i thought i was a bird because i do in fact fricking love learning everything i can, i wouldn’t naturally call it “collecting”, i’m just doing whatever’s interesting in the moment

You mean you learn by improvising? :) Like a Lion? :) 

but sure, why not - i like collecting languages, knowledge about different cultures, books, music, space, countries, medicine, anything and everything, and i sometimes spend hours researching random stuff that im never actually gonna use “just in case im stranded in the wilderness and need to make soap” you feel? but it’s not actually because i think it might be useful (though i do get random bouts of anxiety over not knowing how to do certain stuff “in case” even though the probability id need them is infinitesimal).

Loving knowledge does not make you a Bird secondary. I’m hearing you talk about about a thing you do for fun, and - this is key - a thing you use as  a mechanism to cope with anxiety. ADHD can sometimes make you feel very scattered, going too fast, and your Bird is giving you [the illusion of] control. And I’m not going to knock that. The illusion of control is important. 

i just like knowing things and being able to use those things to do stuff. i wanna be “that guy” you can come to with the most obscure problem and they’d have some way of dealing with it. doesn’t that sound pretty bird?

Okay. Here’s the deal. You like Bird secondaries. You think they’re cool, and badass. Maybe you’d like to be one. But I’m still not at all convinced you are. I haven’t heard you use it to solve problems. 

but i can’t actually do that stuff. i think i used to, when i was a teenager? but depression and undiagnosed adhd kinda kicked my ass, among a few other things, and now i don’t really have the brain power for it and i feel like im not actually able to learn things as well, or to even think straight.

Wow. That is some burnt secondary talk. I can’t do things. 

(I promise you, people with ADHD have absurd brain power, and can learn things crazy well, although not in the same way as neurotypicals. You are right about not thinking straight, which I am interpreting as “in a straight line.” ADHD people think in webs and corkscrews and I love it.) 

 or if i did, i can’t learn as *many* things as i need to feel accomplished? which idk what you think but it kinda just sounds like burnt bird to me. 

Feeling like the secondary you have isn’t good enough can be a Burnt thing... but feeling like you need to manifest a specific secondary *more* (which is what this feels like) is usually a sign of a model. 

but here’s the thing. all of those sound real nice. and cool. and a good way of doing things, maybe even the “right” way, even though i know that’s subjective. but lion just feels more comfy, and idk if that’s because im a burnt bird modeling lion or if it’s smth else.

… you mean… like being… a Lion?

cause the “collecting skills and knowledge to solve problems” thing sounds cool, but it’s actually more just the first part that i vibe with? the part where i get to learn stuff! but when actually solving problems, i don’t usually think too long, i just vibe. i see where my instinct is taking me and i apply reason *after* that, or like, as a secondary, support thing. im not a dumbass either, im good at puzzles and logic problems, i can totally think things through and use my skills! but that’s not really how i approach problem-solving. i just jump into the situation and see what part of it is closest and start there, or what’s convenient, or what just feels right or nicer or whatever.

This is a perfect description of a Lion secondary with a supportive Bird model. Like a LOT of neurodivergent people (hi!) you built yourself some scaffolding using the Bird toolbox.

and on one hand it could be that im not confident in my skillset enough to do things the bird way, but on the other hand, thinking back to my childhood and teenage years, when i had better executive skills and i wasn’t as completely scatterbrained as i am I now (i was, but not as bad in some ways), i still did this? like, all of my major life decisions where made on the spot based on instinct and nothing else

I’m definitely seeing the Lion primary come though as well. 

whenever i have a problem of the interpersonal sort i just face it and talk to the person and don’t bother hiding or sugarcoating things even if it means hurting that person because i don’t want to lie or come off as something i’m not, when i need to work on a project i don’t bother planning, i just jump in and a strategy forms in an organic way as i go, you know what i mean? isn’t that what this “charging” business means?

Yes.

anyway i have no idea which one is a model and which one is actually mine. i love learning things but i don’t care about actually using them. i mean i like it, of course, but it’s whatever. planning is tedious and it kinda gives me validation because im meant to be “smart” and i guess planning is what smart people do, but it’s annoying and nothing ever goes exactly to plan anyway so you just have to pause and plan again or whatever, and that’s just so boring and frustrating??

I get that you like Bird secondaries, and I get that the picture of “smart person” in your head looks like a Bird secondary but just like… come on…

why not just do the damn thing?? and then what you have to do will be obvious anyway?? and sure, if you planned ahead, maybe you’d already know what you need to do and you’d have prepared it and you’d do it better, but who’s got the time for that?? i can’t use my brain like that! i need to live the thing before it actually feels real enough for me to think about solving it.

I have never read anything more Lion secondary in my entire goddamn life.

i hope this actually made sense and i gave enough relevant information, my head kinda feels jumbled right now. i mean it makes sense to me but i don’t know how this reads from an outside perspective. maybe i should have planned this like an essay or whatever lmao

thanks a lot for answering these & running this blog!!! it’s dope and you give really good insights and you’re just a super cool person!

<3 <3 <3 

hi! i noticed you have inattentive adhd, so do i, but i dont hyperfixate (or i havent in a very long time, im not sure) im just wondering if thats because i have inattentive type or something? or if maybe i was misdiagnosed? idk if you answer questions or not tho so you can ignore this if you want :)

Hello! Yes, I do answer asks, though I don’t get very many.

I did some quick Googling to see if I could find anything more authoritative than my own experiences. I found this study published just last month that says it found no meaningful difference in the frequency, duration, or pervasiveness of hyperfocus between people with ADHD and people without. (This study has some really interesting charts and stuff--I recommend taking a look!)

The study also broke out Inattentive vs. Hyperactive types of ADHD (see Table 3 at the above link) and it looks like, based on their findings, that hyperactive types experience hyperfocus more often and more pervasively. (Someone please correct me if I’m wrong--I took one social research class in college and I’m doing my best to remember how to interpret these kinds of tables!)

However, this study points to previous other studies that have shown the opposite. That first study also noted that hyperfocus “is a known symptom in clinical practice, [but] it is not included in diagnostic manuals as an official symptom of ADHD.” So I can’t say whether you were misdiagnosed, but hyperfocus is not required to receive a diagnosis!

So... it sounds to me like, clinically and research...ly speaking, it’s inconclusive??

Switching to my own experiences, I do experience hyperfocus/hyperfixation, to varying degrees. Here are a few of the ways I’ve experienced what I consider to be hyperfocus:

Spending 15 hours straight playing Stardew Valley, barely stopping to pee and eat.

Getting a crush on someone and thinking about them ALL. THE. TIME.

Becoming so focused on my work that I don’t notice when someone is trying to talk to me.

Reading books in one sitting for 10+ hours straight.

Glancing at tumblr in the morning and then realizing I’ve been scrolling for over an hour and now I’m late for work.

Glancing at tumblr before bed and then realizing that I’ve been scrolling for over an hour and I’ve lost out on precious sleep time.

Getting into a new show or fandom and trying to absorb everything about it (I do this less now, but you should have seen me in college learning everything there is to know about David Cook from American Idol season 7 and memorizing entire sections of The HP Lexicon.)

So, I guess, I think it’s different for everyone. And I don’t think these are the only ways to experience hyperfocus. Hyperfocus can look like laziness. It can look like nerdiness or fan culture. It can look like “selective hearing” or other forms of inattention.

It’s not one size fits all. 

And, personally, I don’t think a lack of hyperfocus means you don’t have ADHD. This article from ADDitude Magazine says that “hyperfocus is thought to result from abnormally low levels of dopamine... This dopamine deficiency makes it hard to “shift gears” to take up boring-but-necessary tasks.” If you don’t hyperfocus, your brain probably has other coping mechanisms it prefers to make up for your lower levels of dopamine.

I hope this was helpful!

I was sure that maladaptive daydreaming was like, more severe and uncontrollable than that? like in a way that seriously impedes your ability to function in life.

Not from what I've seen? Key words I've seen describing maladaptive daydreaming is excessive and intentional. But, recent studies are saying that it may be compulsive?

I'm some people diagnosed with it irl and some of them even like, have complained before about being interrupted out of their daydreams. But they do Intentionally start them and think fo the universes, but it like, gets in the way sometimes cuz it's like, "well I SHOULD do that thing, or, I could daydream,,, imma daydream"

Maladaptive means like, not adapting well. So maladaptive daydreaming is just, not adapting to stress in a good way via the agent of daydreaming.

Oh and Like, with proper therapy or new coping mechanisms most people diagnosed with it experience on average half the amount of daydreams sjdndndn just a fun statistic!

I don't know I could also just be wrong 🤷‍♂️ sjshdjdjdnns

My brain is fascinating

🫐

dont we ALL get irritated when our daydreams are interrupted tho? like i made this whole situation and perfectly set it up and ur tryna talk to me ?? IM BUSY !!

hard to know if it was maladaptive because I had nothing to ever do as a kid so like. i wasnt like zoning out in class daydreaming or not paying attention to something important because i never HAD class and i rarely had something important I had to be doing. i did zone out a lot but that was prolly like an ADHD thing i think..

and also since it was like, usually related to my art nobody said shit cause i was just thinkin of things to draw or stories to tell.

but sometimes you're stuck in the car with ur siblings and they're screaming and shouting and fighting and you dont have earbuds yet cause you're like 11 so instead you just,,, think about ur OC's or something :)

I can see it having been compulsive but eh. who can say. gods know my parents werent paying attention.

one #classic thing I kinda do is like, this sort of "ahh ok time to think about something else buddy, lets go!" sorta situation. like i'd say that to myself or something like "ough this sucks i dont wanna be here *thinks about dogs with wings*" or "I hate this I hate being here it's too loud and I feel gross *distracts self by thinking about how to torture my OC's*"

so idk.

I need to comfort myself so excuse me whilst I ramble.

Pretty sure ADHD and RSD go hand-in-hand for everyone, although I'm aware RSD can also be separate -- but, I'm basically trying to say, I feel like quite a number of people can relate to this, because more and more people ae becoming aware of and being diagnosed with AD(H)D.

So, for all the Saeyoung stans out there with ADHD/RSD, I hope you... I dunno, enjoy this? relate to it?? Idk. It's not a one-shot, it's just some speculation and me writing whatever comes to my imagination to comfort me.

Lemme just start by saying... his route, day 7 and 8, and I believe 9 as well, or at least most of it. Him pushing you away, rejecting you, not in his heart, but with his words. It's bad enough when our brains take non-rejections as rejections, but it really is a rejection... and considering I cried at something so dumb recently, even though I tried really hard not to, man... I want to say I'd be able to tough it up and brave through his route with all the emotional strength and stability in the world, but I'm so damn sensitive. I hate people seeing me cry. I hate crying in general. So I'd really try not to, but taking into consideration Seven's demeanour, how he yells that one time... Man, I feel so pathetic and like I'm making a big deal of it, but I can't help how my brain instinctively interprets these kinds of things. I wouldn't want to seem guilt-trippy with my tears, either, but I literally would not be able to hold them back at certain points, especially when Seven really hits his limit and straight up yells. His expression alone causes my breath to catch in my throat, and I know that if that were real life...

Well, I haven't had very many guys yell at me, if any at all. Not that I can remember, at least. No father, no brothers, and my uncle isn't the yelling type. My mom's father is passive aggressive, so no yelling there, either. It was only ever women who have yelled at me, whether for good reasons or for bad. But... I just know. I know I'd break down. It'd be too much. I feel so inadequate. Damn, I'm such a failure. A failure in so many ways...

I don't have much else to say there, not right now, that is.

But after the fact, after his route and the SEs and all that, if there was ever an occasion where he yelled like that again, which I expect would be uncommon, but not impossible, the tears would come just as easily, but even when I try and hide my face, or, more likely, shakily apologize before removing myself from the situation, so nobody sees my tears, so I don't feel like I'm guilt tripping anyone.... even when I do that, Saeyoung would have me in a tight hug before I could hardly take a few steps. And I'd feel bad at first, think I guilted him, but... he'd just hold me tighter, in a secure grip, murmuring apologies, an explanation maybe, comfort. I hate the thought because I feel pathetic but I also love it because I already feel a bit better just thinking about a nice, warm hug...

I feel Saeyoung would be pretty good at dealing with a partner with ADHD/RSD. Well, I suppose that depends on your type of AD(H)D and your own coping mechanisms and whatnot. I won't go too far into detail cos it's nearing 1 a.m. and I'm getting sleepy, but, for example, a steady reward system tends to work for me, which I think Saeyoung woul be really good at upholding the rules of the reward system.

I just... hah... there's too much. Too much going on. I...need soneone like him. Someone who understands me...

But, ha, don't we all?

...I'm tired.

long personal post apologies to anyone on mobile, just...scroll on by...

---

There’s so many things............I wanted to achieve in 2020, which is I’m sure what everyone has said. Somehow I still think 2017 was worse, but .... I don’t know. I was really alone then. I almost lost both my parents, this year I was safe with a better job, good partner, and only lost one (at least I got to see her once in a decade to say goodbye)....ultimately this brought me to heathenism in a weird and roundabout way. It’s hard to know she was really walking around with this poorly depicted Viking nonsense ‘false odin’ with cerberus (why?) going on, lord, she would’ve hated left heathens BUT ALSO wasn’t even a pagan to begin with (so she says, but being a pentecostal and having psychosis, while this does not a pagan make, made for a quite magickal and brutal experience). my mother was a trickster entity in living flesh. at first, i learned into having guides for the first time. i wondered if it was a coping mechanism, but i shrugged, because it was not my intention to see the numbers repeating, or the ‘loki’ every..single..day..for a week... in the weirdest fucking places... it was not my intention to lose my best friends in this city (which is not my final destination, ha) because they were too busy having poly drama, to, idk, support their friend, and then ghosted me, or came up with some weird passive aggressive bullshit. it totally dominated my 2020 - the pandemic, then mom dying, then the deities, then the loss. my card of the year was the hermit, i thought that was such a joke considering the pandemic. how could that then apply to me more personally? I haven’t had time or space mentally to recount the beautiful parts of the year because we’ve been stuck inside, inside during riots, inside during west coast smoke hell, inside where the spiders are. astoria was beautiful. it was god given. i knew what was real was real that day. it’s been seven months since mom passed, and i know her spirit has contacted me. it has brought me closer to my own spirituality which was accidentally rampant chaos magick that i was unaware of - introduced to me by ten years of tricksters who I never quite recognized. at the altar, id pull cards, i began to learn runes, and id ask, “were you always there? was that the presence that was always there?” I don’t know, much of the paranoid presence I felt my whole life ended when mom died. so much ended. i still want to write about it. again and again. because i forget that it happened, i compressed it so far back. everyone walked away and all that remained was my partner and the unseen. i would get straight answers on the altar, but never for that question. i never understood, and still hardly do, why loki came - was it to console me after the passing of my mother? somehow a veil had been lifted and my already wack ass intuition became 25% greater, somehow i felt seen and heard by others. at first, i was scared... i had always gravitated unknowingly towards tricksters and mercurial beings, loki came during the week of L*ghnasadh, after I’d been reading abt the ACTUAL “mercury”/hermes.... it was as if to be like, oh, you’re looking to NAME US FINALLY? THIS ENERGY, HERE _______. I was a little sheepish of Odin because of the association..... and I never quite got an answer. Sometimes still, I am struggling to understand this deity, however many a time loud and clear he and Loki have responded within the half-hour, be it some really weird ultra-specific shit to crop up, flickering shit, popping, knocking over. I turn to him frequently as, the more I read, the more I trust... this understanding of inarticulatable parts of myself - when I read about odr I was thinking of what this could mean for me, especially as a trans person, and it moved me. when I think about knowledge, and loss... when I think of the underdog vying that Odin (and of course Loki) represent, it is always with grace and honor that I am glad to be In It. I struggle tho, cos no matter how viscerally real my experiences have been, and no matter how little I would ever wish to disrespect them by denying faith, as a human who has run far from christianity and is skeptical of everything, every day, I’m like, ‘how much can I lean into this? is this ‘weird’ or delusional? am i acting like a child?” but, ..... I have learned from many smart and creative folks of the same ilk that we are not alone and the passage of time cannot destroy old gods so easily, and I am honored to be called to that. 2020.....that is.....to me, the year of death and rebirth. it was the only parting gift mom could give me. as she died, I told her I knew the lord had brought me there. I knew we had made it JUST in time, by many many strokes of good ‘luck’, to see her off. the last day we saw her was the last day she’d ever seen both her children together in her life. of course, she probably hardly recognized me. and she loved my brother more. had spent less time with him. oh lord, she did look at me with burning eyes of distrust and hatred, but that was not her fault. she was so ill. god she was so ill. dad joked, after she died, ‘maybe she’ll finally be in valhalla’, he didnt know what that meant. mom was a ‘devout’ christian woman of “god”. she was no pagan. she did not serve odin. but 2 months later when I discovered them, I heard his words ringing in my head, and I had to laugh. It’s been so hard...losing the queer comrades I had with me because of ? what ? exactly ? I still dn’t know, watching someone I spent 3 years being ‘close’ to basically patronize me that she always had reservations about us, never let me in, or get closer, like real friends, .... id cry and cry thinking, why, did i lose the one figure who brought me into this world, who i never had, for ten years, who abandoned me and hated every ounce of my being, and to confront this NOW in the middle of a pandemic, where i have zero way to the outside world to cope, and then to be left behind AGAIN by SO MANY PEOPLE, i felt Loki’s comforting presence. I’m trying to focus on the future again, that’s what 2021 is giving me. the “year” label, “when mom died” is over. even if that event forever changed my life far beyond that of a normal passing (?) I mean, it’s never normal when a mom dies, much less a woman like her, have mercy, it’s over. 2021 is the “year when we move to los angeles” its the “year when i start a REAL band again instead of be a side piece for a woman who cant get real with herself and her drum machine”, the “year when maybe ill take my adhd meds and hrt” we’re suspended in a stasis, there are big ups and downs. in two weeks i quit my med of 2 years, because it’s causing harm and i actually dont technically need to be on it anymore. im scared and excited. i need the change. i need the CHOICE. 

I absolutely love your headcanons they’re so cool!!!! Do you have anything for Leo because I love him so much

OMG this is so kind :’) AND YES I LOVE LEO LEMME WHIP UP SOME THINGS FOR MY BOY! <3

—

- okay i love leo i think he’s so funny and genuine and he’s so intelligent and cares about his friends <3

- okay he’s the epitome of being the life of the party, he’s friends with everyone and all of the campers are drawn to him bc he’s always excited, trying to invent something new, and overall gives great advice + is cracking jokes so if you want an amazing friend you hit up leo

- leo is best Bro’s with a lot of people (percy, reyna, piper, stoll brothers, nico) and he has a connection to all of them in some way or another

- legitimately, percy & leo have somewhat similar backgrounds (they talk about the issues stemming from family matters they’ve had), they talk about their adhd and how they feel like they’ve never fit in, and they’re really there for each other and act like legit brothers!

- reyna and leo talk about growing up feeling disconnected in certain ways either from their heritage and how they’ve had expectations put on them bc being a leader of legions is difficult and being the seven’s inventor and making things to keep people alive & safe is also difficult and takes a toll, they’re quite close and have a good bond together (reyna and leo are both in love with the grace siblings so that is a very common bond they also have)

- leo likes to have fun with the stoll brothers and really hinge on his unhingedness and chaotic dumbassery with them, he always feels light and has so much fun and especially throwing piper into this mix it’s insanely fun; and him with piper they’re best buds and they’ve always been together and will always have each other no matter what

- he & nico bond over losing a family member they had and how it affected them and they really do open up with each other and have each other’s backs, they’re also both pyrokinetic so leo sees nico summon black fire from his hands and is like You Need To Show Me How To Do THAT

- also he becomes good friends w frank bc idk why they had to have frank hate him like i didn’t understand that at ALL!!! hazel also tells leo more about sammy and they have a great friendship bond :’) he & annabeth also are usually seen in the athena/hephaestus cabin drawing up plans and strategies and he feels like he got her stamp of approval and annabeth feels like wow i got his stamp of approval too!!!

- leo is an inventor, extremely smart and intelligent, very quick thinking, is doing calculations and visually sees everything in his mind, he’s like a savant! he’s book smart and street smart

- leo likes listening to hype music bc he likes dancing and singing and overall just having a fun ass time w friends! he and percy throw it BACK to megan thee stallion and make videos and one time leo called percy a “bad bitch” and it stuck

- imo he’s in love w jason bc who isn’t and he has all sorts of nicknames for everyone in his life and for jason he slips in a “babes, hon, cap, pretty boy” and jason dishes it back bc das cute and calls him “hot stuff, stark, babe”

- okay so yes leo is very funny and all of that, but then again sometimes it really is used as a coping mechanism and people around him know that too, he’s a sensitive kid and his friends will always remind him that he doesn’t have to put up a facade and that they’re there for him, so sometimes yes he is quiet and introspective and those times his friends respect that and check up on him bc we love healthy communication!

- leo also has a photo album that he’s kept of his mother and him, in there are baby pics and pics he’s salvaged of his mom with some of his dad, leo kept anything that reminded him of his mom in his cabin and likes to look through it, it still hurts him but he knows he’s making his mama proud and she is proud of her baby boy

- nico makes sure to tell him that and once took him to the underworld and showed him that his mother was granted elysium and he started crying and nico just held him <3

- listen i am a firm believer in that charles beckendorf, my boy charlie, would have been the best big brother to leo okay? he would’ve showed him the ropes, protected him and been caring towards him, and just overall be the most amazing, pure, inventive hardworking duo <3 also in elysium charlie sees leo and winks at him bc he sees his cabin 9 tshirt and leo feels a sense of relief bc nyssa always said how proud charlie would be of him

- when at camp leo likes to have a little fire show for everyone, meaning he can conjure up fire and turn it into shapes, and for the little kids he tells the story of the great dragon who slew all the bad guys and everyone included the big kids, his friends, and even chiron is entranced by his storytelling <3 festus is also in the back making dragon noises to add on to the storytelling and leo gives him a lil wink

- leo also has another photo album of all his friends that he likes to look through and that his friends like to look through as well :’) has all their fun memories and he made demigod/monster proof cameras and phones for everyone! <3

- essentially, leo is such an amazing character!!! he’d be such a great friend, a great mentor, he’s been blessed by hephaestus, and he’s just someone the camp is really lucky to have!!! :’)

hope you enjoyed my friend!!! leo is iconic and we love him!!!