“啊。是给你。”

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"Ah. It's for you."

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Inspired both by that single lantern MQ apparently won by and the fics I've read of them giving each other lanterns (links below along with a bonus)

The fics!

also i love unreliable narrators a normal amount

Something I like about epic the musical is that it Gives it's changes to the original text an actual Purpose

( The first couple paragraphs are basically a rant regarding retellings. If you only want to hear about epic Skip to paragraph 4)

1. I am a bit annoyed by the lack of. Understanding as to why RETELLINGS aren't the most historicaly accurate things in the world. Sorry to break this to you, but that's both just how they work and I would guess how they reach success. Ancient Greece is a much different culture than our own, And most of us would be terrified to actually live back then. When you are Trying to create content That is based on ancient Greece And you want it to be successful/ At least reach a wide, and notably, MODERN audience. You're likely going to have to take some creative liberty And change a few things. Don't get me wrong, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIKE RETELLINGS KNOWING THAT FACT ( Me personally, I'm not the biggest fan of Miller's novels Even though I do like epic) BUT IT IS SOMETHING TO BE AWARE OF. And because of that I don't think I would ever expect a retelling to be perfectly accurate And I don't. I had interest in mythology LONG before epic the musical But I didn't actually read the Odyssey until getting into epic. I did not expect it To be just like the musical, I knew Odysseus was going to be much more of an asshole, along with other characters. The odyssey and epic are different pieces of media to me And I am not less of a mythology nerd for liking epic ( Though I will admit that sometimes I take tiny little fun facts of mythology And like to think of them in the context of epic, but that's just for fun.)

2. The Only time being a fan of retellings is wrong as if you genuinely believe they are perfectly accurate And refuse to listen to anything else ( Which has definitely happened, And mythology nerds have the right to be annoyed at that)

3. Some people only like to consume real mythology media, Others like both real mythology and retellings, Others only like to engage with retellings (I would hope they have the self-awareness to know It's not real mythology, From what I've seen some do and some don't, Unfortunately)

4. Ok. now on to what the title of this long ass rant says

I like that epic the musical Retells the story, Not only to both cater to modern audience But Also with its OWN purpose of man versus monster.

Obviously, this is not the point of the original text. Mythos Odysseus does not give a single fuck About the stuff that epic odysseus does. I don't know why the creator Decided to rewrite it this way, (If he's ever said why let me know) But I would assume he wanted to make something about the oddessy And this was simply a very creative way to Translate that for modern audience.

I like this because, yes, holy damn. It does have changes from the original text. But it's not JUST changing it. It's changing it with a purpose

It feels reminiscent of some kind of Dramatic play. the way that epic characterizes.

Polites' kind nature is Representative of the Concept of being merciful Represented in his lines such as " This life is amazing when you greet it with open arms" /"There is so much guilt inside your heart, So why not replace it?"

While in contrast you have eurylochus with more ruthlessness and cautious nature, this is Found in some of his lines such as "You rely on wit, and people die on it" /"we don't know what's ahead" / "I say we strike first. We don't have time to waste so lets raid the place-" /"Let's just cut our losses, You and I and let's run"

And then you have Odysseus, the man/monster. The first act of this Musical is his internal struggle With what He should be On that scale. And the other characters Represent this struggle in the song monster

" Is the cyclops struck with gilt when he kills, is he up in the middle of the night? Or does he end my men to avenge his friend and then Sleep knowing he has done him right?

When the witch turns men to pigs to protect her nymphs, is she going insane? Or did she learn to be colder when she got older and now she saves them the pain?

When a God comes down and makes a Fleet drown Is he scared that he's doing something wrong? Or does he keep us in check So we must respect him and now no one dares to piss him off"

He then Applies this to himself

" Does a soldier use a wooden horse to kill sleeping trojans cause he is vile? Or does he throw away his remorse and save more lives with guile?"

And this marks his turning point of deciding that Ruthlessness It's ultimately worth it if it means Getting home, as aeolus says "The end Always justifies the means"

It's in my opinion, a very creative way to go about retelling a myth. Is it accurate? Absolutely not. For example, circe (From what we know) is not protecting When she turns men into pigs, For all we know, she could just do it because Shits and giggles.

Her character and most others in epic is changed from the original. But it's not ONLY changing for the sake of apeling to the modern Western audience and being successful like Many other retellings. It is also and mainly changing for the sake of influencing the plot that Jorge Rivera herrans crafted For the sake of Retelling epic. It is creative and I enjoy it despite knowing it's not accurate.

My Favorite New Manga and Graphic Novels I Read in 2023

It's time to take a look at the comics and manga I read this year! I read  a whopping 78 manga and graphic novels in all. Here's a link to my Goodreads year in books (the manga is at the beginning, the novels start with Siren Queen) and my storygraph wrap up.

I also read 36 novels! If you want to see my favorites, check out my reviews here!

And finally, I've got the continuing manga series I've enjoyed this year here, so check that post out too!

The Magic Fish by Trung Le Nguyen

This is a tale about a first-generation Vietnamese-American boy struggling with coming out to his mother. He connects with his mother through fairytales-- she uses them to express her journey as an immigrant, and he uses them to explore his queerness and identity as a Vietnamese kid growing up in America. It's an absolutely gorgeous book full of Trung Le Nguyen's signature stunning art. The fantastical, ethereal fairy tales are weaved beautifully into the lives of the characters. The book explores how fairy tales can form connection, can express culture, can tap deeply into something real and true, and can offer tragedy and catharsis. The protagonist uses fairy tales to write his own story, and the ending is lovely and moving.

Exit Stage Left: The Snagglepuss Chronicles by Mark Russell and Mike Feehan

You may know Mark Russell from his darker, socially aware re-imagining of the Flintstones, which made quite a splash on Tumblr with this post. Well, I had pleasure of meeting him at a local convention, and I finally got his comic re-imagining of Snagglepuss, also of Hanna-Barbera. He re-imagines the titular pink puma as a closeted gay playwright in the 50's dealing with McCarthyism. It's as wild as it sounds,but also really digs into the politics of the time, the struggle of standing against oppression and how art fights through suppression and censorship. It's tragic, hopeful, poignant and full of historical references. I enjoyed it ! Definitely be cautious if you're deeply disturbed by homophobia and suicide.

The Summer Hikaru Died by Mokumokuren

A story about a teenage boy, Yoshiki, who realizes that his best friend and crush Hikaru has died and been replaced by a strange eldritch being who is imitating him. But, missing his loved one and desperate to cling to any piece of him, Yoshiki decides to keep on having a relationship with this mysterious entity. This book's horror is visceral and sublime, especially the bizarre, creepy, beautiful body horror involving the being who replaced Hikaru. It's an exploration of anxieties involving grief, relationships, and sexuality that hits just right, and the atmosphere layered with dread is top notch. I love me some messed up relationships and unknowable queer monsters, and this book delivers.

Chainsaw Man, Look Back and Goodbye Eri by Tatsuki Fujimoto

Chainsaw Man needs no introduction, but I did end up really enjoying the story of the doggy-devil boy hunting other devils. It got so tragic and intense at the end, with lots of great surreal horror imagery and darkly funny moments. I'm impressed it went so hard, though the random powers that kept piling up made what was happening hard to follow at times, especially in fights. I'm also enjoying the current weird arc starring a class-A disaster girl and the demon sharing her body.

Look Back

I really do enjoy how Fuijimoto writes messy pre-teen/teenage girls. They ring so true. The manga follows the fraught friendship between two girls as they create manga, exploring the struggle of art mixing with real relationships, and how someone keeps creating after tragedy. It's a little hard to follow at times (especially since I have to differentiate the leads based on hairstyle), but it's a good read.

Goodbye Eri

Probably my least favorite of the three, but it's a fun read- a weird ride that examines the thin line between fiction and reality in art and makes good use of Fujimoto's cinephile background and signature gaslight gatekeep girlboss characters.

Is Love the Answer? by Uta Isaki

The story follows a teenage girl, Chika, who has always struggled with not being attracted to anyone. When Chika enters college, she meets queer people all across the spectrum of asexuality, and starts exploring her own identity. As an ace, this is the best story about asexuality that I've read. It was a nuanced look at asexuality and queerness and all the variations. Chika's journey and how she found her community was moving and poignant. It's a honest, moving look at relationships and identity, and how complicated and hard to define both of those things can be. I loved the moments of Chika imagining herself as an alien to explore and cope, and how she bonded with people through magical girl shows and other geekery. My favorite new manga of the year, it really connected with me!

The Girl that Can’t Get a Girlfriend by Mieri Hiranishi

Oh girl, I've been there. This is a fun autobiographical comic about a butch4butch lesbian's struggles finding a partner in a word that favors butch/femme, and it's just an honest look at the messiness of loneliness and relationships. I also appreciate that crushing on Haruka in Sailor Moon and becoming a HaruMichi stan was the beginning the author's queer awakening because uh...same! She has taste, and is truly relatable.

Qualia the Purple: The Complete Manga Collection by Hisamitsu Ueo and Shirou Tsunashima

See my review of the light novel here for my general thoughts on the story, since it's adapted pretty faithfully. I do think the manga is overall the best experience though, because the illustrations break up the detailed explanations of quantum mechanics a bit, and it includes a bit of extra content that fleshes things out, especially withthe ending.

The Single Life: 60 year old lesbian who is single and living alone by Akiko Morishima

Just like it says on the tin, this focuses on a 60-year-old single lesbian. And definitely the shortest thing on here, since only one 30 page chapter is out.  It's a grounded story about a woman looking back on her journey to finding her identity, touching on sexism in the workplace and other challenges. It paints a portrait of a proudly gay elder who's still perfectly content being single and feels fulfilled by the life she had rather than regretting past relationships. I definitely want to see more.

Daemons of the Shadow Realm by Hiromu Arakawa

Arakawa's latest, the story is about a boy who lives in a small village with his little sister is imprisoned and has to carry out a mysterious duty...but then the village is attacked, supernatural daemons awaken, and everything he knows might be wrong. I'm enjoying this fun romp so far! It delivers an really nice plot twist right out the gate (and an excellent subversion of the usual shonen "must-protect-my-saintly-sister" narratives). It boasts Arakawa's usual fun cast and interesting world (and cool ladies). There's some slight tone and pacing issues in the first part- there's so much time spent explaining mechanics the lead doesn't really get to react to his life turning upside down. But it starts smoothing out by the second volume. I'm excited to see what's next!

Superman: Space Age by Mark Russell and Michael Allred

This is a retelling of Superman set throughout the late fifties to early eighties that has Superman interact with the political and social upheaval of the time and question his own role in things. It explored the Superman mythos through a lot of cool new angles, and has a good Lois (why yes she would break Watergate) which is how I always measure a Superman adaptation. My one complaint is, while I liked some of the things it did with Batman, the ending with the Joker was pretty weak. The ending of the overall comic will also be bizarre for anyone not uses to how weird comics can get, but I think I dug it.

#DRCL by Shin'ichi Sakamoto

A manga retelling of Dracula that focuses on Mina as the protagonist and imagines the characters at an English prep school. It adds a lot of  diversity to the characters  and has exquisite, evocative art. I'm curious where it will go and what it  intends to do with all it's changes (especially Lucy), because right now it's mostly vibes and creepiness and the direction isn't clear.

I'm rereading fete for a king and I was wondering how/when Michealis found out that Gregory and Eddie were a "thing"? You got him putting the pieces together for Alana's pregnancy in R&R so did something similar happen off screan? Happy new years!

Happy new year!

When I was writing the novel I never really put thought into when Michaelis twigged to the fact that Gregory and Eddie were hooking up, but I've thought about it since. Michaelis became king and stayed king because he is very good at reading people and taking the temperature of the room, so he is sensitive to what's going on around him, especially when it's his family.

He definitely knew something was up with Gregory as soon as Jerry intercepted him to prevent him from walking in on Gregory and Eddie. He didn't know what, and he's also (as Alanna says in LATT) good at letting Gregory and his cousins be adults and make their own mistakes, so he let it go, but it sharpened his radar.

He doesn't encounter Eddie much after that -- the first time he sees Gregory and Eddie together in any meaningful way is when Eddie's presenting the "picnic" concept and serving them dinner in the garden. In that scene he's visibly aware of the fact that Eddie has a deeper understanding of the family than expected, and subtextually he's picking up on the fact that his son and this weird American have some kind of rapport. But he's also distracted by the dinner and he's trying to negotiate some deep emotional waters, so he's not putting any thought into it.

In my mind, there's a missing scene after that, which I wouldn't put in the book but might have put in the original script version if I'd thought about it. At this point he's either moved out to the fishing lodge or is in the process of it, so he's walking back to the lodge after dinner and thinking about the situation, and he has a thought process that goes something like:

Eddie clearly has a greater understanding of our family than I expected -- > that means the time he's been spending with Gregory isn't wasted as I felt it might have been -- > Gregory has seemed a little less tense about the coronation -- > perhaps if he's spending more time with this chef he's eating better -- > nice of Eddie to look after him --

At which point it strikes him like lightning just how Eddie is looking after him, and a quick mental replay of dinner drops the puzzle pieces into place, and he stops dead halfway down the trail to the lodge, blinking, and then cracks up laughing. He very nearly texts Gregory about it, but then realizes that would probably make things awkward and also it's good to have an ace like that up your sleeve.

And from there, armed with this knowledge, it's easier for him to discern that there's a genuine connection but Gregory won't acknowledge it -- which is Michaelis's fault, because he's banged on about having an appropriate spouse as king, so he needs to be the one to fix it. Eddie's perfectly acceptable to him as a son-in-law given what he now knows about him -- intelligent, engaged, enthusiastic about Shivadh culture, charismatic, clearly very fond of Gregory -- so once Michaelis is sure that Gregory is poised to let this perfectly good relationship fall apart, he intervenes.

But yeah, to my mind, he gets the evidence during the picnic dinner presentation, and just takes a couple of hours to assemble it, and a couple of weeks to make use of it. :)

Intense Subtext in Front of Oblivious Side Characters: "I had no wife in the year six"

There's a thing, I guess it would be considered a trope, that is one of my favorite such things in any form of media but especially any sort of romance-centered story. I don't know of an existing term for this and I'm terrible at being concise so I'm not sure how I could put it briefly. Basically, it's the thing that happens when a larger interaction is happening with a group of people but there's a subtext to it that means something very different--and generally, much more meaningful--to the central characters. You could call it something like Intense Subtext in Front of Oblivious Side Characters.

I've been thinking for a while about possible parallels between BLs and Jane Austen novels and/or adaptations. This is my attempt at taking a small, specific example of a parallel I sometimes notice and talking about it. Austen's novels do a lot of this trope I mentioned. That's in part because of choices Austen made in what she wanted to write about. But it's also because of the social context of her time. There was a lot going on that people couldn't be explicit about, for a variety of reasons. I think one reason why I see similar things happening in some BLs--and maybe one reason for the appeal of certain types of BLs--is the fact that being queer in a homophobic society makes openness complicated in a way that doesn't come up as much for hetero relationships these days. Especially when we get into things like office romances, in which appearances have higher stakes. These complications around openness have a kind of similarity to the reasons Austen's characters had to play a lot of things close to the chest.

Fellow Old Fashion Cupcake fans will remember an example from that series that I think really fits here. Nozue and Togawa agree to attend a goukon, or "mixer" as it's sometimes translated--basically a group hangout intended to help men and women meet for the purpose of finding people to date. Nozue is hitting it off with a cute younger woman, which is bad enough. But then he mentions his "anti-aging" efforts, and because of the mysterious way he words it, the woman asks, "Does that mean you're in love?" which of course catches Togawa's attention even more. He's clearly affected when Nozue answers, "If I were, I wouldn't be here."

@jdramastuff did a great screenshot post of this scene if you want to see what this looked like.

After Nozue's comment, Togawa starts knocking back alcoholic drinks like it's going out of style, ensuring that Nozue will have to help him home instead of going home with the woman who's been flirting with him.

(You could argue that this isn't so much a case of subtext as it is the significance one person assigns to what another is saying. Subtext really requires some degree of communication between more than one person. But while Nozue doesn't fully grasp what's going on, I think he does understand in some ways what he's communicating. I don't want to go on too much of a tangent, so I'll just say that having just read the manga the series was based on, it strengthened my belief that while Nozue is repressed, insecure, even deluded at times, he has glimmers of awareness of his feelings for Togawa and even suspicions of Togawa's feelings for him, and on some level he knows what he's saying, though I don't think he knows in this moment how much these words will hurt Togawa.)

I have another favorite example of this, a scene from Persuasion. It's rendered really well in the 1995 adaptation of the novel with Ciaran Hinds and Amanda Root. (The whole thing is phenomenal, by the way--I think it's the best Austen adaptation ever made, personally.)

A bit of background for anyone not familiar with the story: Anne Elliott was engaged to Captain Frederick Wentworth in 1806 but was convinced by Lady Russell, her neighbor/family friend and a kind of surrogate mother to her following her mom's death, to break off the engagement. She has regretted it ever since. Wentworth was deeply hurt and angry when she broke things off, not surprisingly.

More than eight years later, Anne is visiting her sister and her sister's in-laws, the Musgroves, when Wentworth comes to the area and starts spending a lot of time at the Musgrove place (and with the Musgroves' eligible young daughters). Wentworth acknowledges Anne, but just barely, while paying enough attention to both the Musgrove girls that everyone is gossiping about which one he's going to marry. Anne's sister Mary was away at boarding school when her previous relationship with Wentworth happened, so neither Mary nor the Musgroves are aware Anne and Wentworth were involved and think they were only acquaintances.

At a dinner party, the Musgrove girls try to look up the ship that Wentworth first commanded, the Asp, in the Navy List, a book that chronicles the various ships in the British Navy, their commanders, and so forth. Wentworth tells them not to bother--"she" is not in the current version of the List because "she" no longer exists.

Louisa and Henrietta Musgrove are suitably horrified.

Admiral Croft, Wentworth's brother-in-law and superior in the Navy, remarks that Wentworth was lucky to get a command so early in his career at all, no matter how seaworthy (or un-seaworthy) the ship was.

(Remember, 1806 was the year that Anne and Wentworth became engaged and then un-engaged.)

Gut-wrenching. And nobody else sitting at that table has any idea what just happened. I love it.

I have some more thoughts about this languishing in an excessively long post in my drafts, which I'll try to get out one of these days. I know I've talked to a few people about trying to do some BL/Austen posts and had meant to tag them but the only person I remember talking with about it was @absolutebl. If you're reading this and you want a heads up next time I write about this stuff, let me know!

my problem with owari no seraph's writing, from someone who's been reading it since 2016

finally decided to revive this blog after it sat untouched for years and collected copius amounts of dust.... just ignore my old posts LMAO

anyways, i have a small list of issues that i think i've already posted about before? but i wanted to compile them all, and add on anything i haven't mentioned before.

*small spoiler warning for recent chapters & light novel*

the countless neglected side plots and characters. i understand that every side story will eventually get its time to shine... but when? i don't think i'd have such a problem with it if the comic updated more often, but i understand that kagami has other scripts to write and it takes yamamoto time to draw the beautiful art. but it's been years since we last saw characters like lacus welt, rene simm, seishiro hiragi, chess belle, makoto narumi and horn skuld. i definintely think it's a huge shame that after being present for like, 50 or so chapters, they just... disappeared. hell, last time yoichi's plan to get revenge on lacus was mentioned was over 5 years ago. again, if the updates were faster i wouldn't have such a problem with it taking so many chapters to finally get to the side storylines. but i just feel like it's been way too long at this point... this has already been stated before, but the lack of mistuba, kimizuki, yoichi, and sometimes shinoa's respective stories being addressed is also really annoying. it feels like they've been completely forgotten and neglected and like the comic is just 'mika & yu + extras''. i want to see yoichi get his revenge on lacus, i want to see ferid's backstory, i want to see mitsuba's relationship with her sister branched out more, i want to see chess and horn and how they're relevant to crowley's story, i want to see where narumi ran off to, i want to see kimizuki's storyline with his sister, and i know these will be addressed eventually, but like... when? to add onto this, i feel like new storylines keep being added on without old ones being addressed. the whole thing with mika turning into a demon, turning into a sword, finding out the first's past, and all of that. but then again, it took us years to finally figure out the first's past, so i trust that these side plots will also eventually get addressed! it's just very messy, and all over the place.

2. the same lines being repeated over and over again. i swear to god every couple of chapters they go through the same dialogue of "we're going to revive everyone and save all of our family members and save the whole world" and i just feel like nothing really happens after that? just from chapters 100-130 it's been mentioned SO many times and i just. if i'm missing something i'd appreciate it if someone could just tell me at this point because i really don't see why the almost exact same dialogue has to be said so often. i am perfectly aware that the whole storyline revives around the importance of companionship, friendship, and love, but it just seems futile for the same exact thing to be stated so often. i think when it's SHOWN rather than just being told is really nice, like how krul and ashera's backstory was played out, or how the love between paimon and bael was shown. we can draw our own conclusions and interpret the story differently based on what we see rather than being spoonfed the same information over and over again. ashera basically cursed his sister because he couldn't fathom living without her, and bael ended his life because he couldn't fathom living without paimon. i think when the love and importance of the character's relationships with each other is shown like this, rather than the same dialogue being restated chapter after chapter, the story flows much smoother.

3. the lack of character development. again, if i've somehow missed it then please just tell me because i can't find it anywhere. specifically in yu's case, because it's been YEARS. i will say, in the early volumes of the manga i definitely saw him undergo a huge change, because before he got put in the demon army he had a very sour attitude and refused to make friends. but after he found his new family, he did a complete 180 and made it his life's mission to live for them and do anything to save them, mika included (later on) but again, that was years ago and since then i've honestly been unable to see much change in his behavior. despite the numerous times guren has shown himself to be a shifty, shady person that's hard to trust, it doesn't go through yu's head. even after they had that huge fight around chapter 112, his anger towards guren wasn't even about the fact that guren planned for his family to be murdered by ferid! he rarely listens to mika, and he generally just goes off and does whatever he likes. i UNDERSTAND that this is just part of his character and personality, but my god is it frustrating to watch... i will say though, him bowing to krul and requesting her help to save mika was a nice surprise that i didn't anticipate. i'd really like to see more of that! more of him listening to other characters who desperately try to help him, etc.

4. the way female characters are written and treated. i understand that this is a shounen manga, but the only female characters in the series being used for fan service gets on my nerves a LOT, especially since they're not really that well written in the first place. also the dialogue and interactions between them... i really really hate that majority of the conversations between just shinoa and mitsuba are played off as boob jokes or something when they could be having legitimate bonding moments and building their friendships. like i'm not gonna lie, shinoa is an absolutely FASCINATING character to me. but i want to see the girls interact with other girls outside of topics that have to do with a man or just making boob jokes!!! (i've only read volume 1 of the catastrophe manga,) but going off of that, the way there could've been so much more attention paid to sayuri's character for example but a lot of the spotlight on her just consisted of either a. her boobs being shown or b. somebody talking about her boobs. i'm not gonna lie, one of the first pages of the manga being a naked 14 year old girl was ....?? anyways. and how could i forget about chess and horn! they're vampires that're hundreds to thousands of years old, and they can't even fall in love or feel romantic desire, but the whole blushing thing while getting down on their knees to suck crowley's blood from his finger? chess getting jealous of horn for being able to suck his blood? hello? like... come on. i will say though, i really like how krul's character is written. in my opinion, she's an example of a well written female character.

an additional note that's not criticism: my opinions on the new art style are kinda 50/50... i feel like for the adult/older characters, the tiny eyes and sharper/more realistic features can make them look kinda weird sometimes, especially their front profiles. but for the younger/child/teen characters, i actually really like it and i feel like it suits them! not having their eyes take up half of their faces anymore looks good, and it can also be interpreted as physical growth.

anyways, there are so so so many things that i legitimately love about owari no seraph, so this isn't me just shitting on the entire series. i'm gonna follow it through to the end, and i'm excited to see how that goes! i just think the writing could use.... some work.

*please excuse any typos*

is nezha eternally 12?

yeah he is he told me himself in a t&t parking lot

12 is an arbitrary number. if you're looking for a source that literally says the exact phrase "nezha is eternally 12" you're uhh probably not going to find one. you're also probably not going to find a source that outright states that he grew into an adult. i think the reason 12 has become a popular number is because it sort of straddles that point between true childhood and adolescence, but again, it's arbitrary.

in fsyy, nezha is 7 when the whole thing with ao bing and returning his flesh and bones to his parents happens, which as far as I'm aware is the last time that an exact age is given for him in that particular novel. fsyy is also not the end all be all of "canon", but it did have significant implications for both practiced religion and literature (1, ch.5). sangren also notes that 7 being the age given is important.

i've only read about half of jttw so far, but don't think any physical or chronological age is stated for him, except that sun wukong calls him "小哥" (little guy/young man/etc.) when they first meet lol.

(a couple of nezhas from this copy of fsyy)

but the exact number of 12 isn't the point behind the statement. imo the idea behind the sentiment is that nezha is culturally perceived as a child. he is metaphorically and literally associated with and representative of the traits and struggles of childhood. he is "the most popular and classic cultural image of child personification in the literature of China" (2). the portrayal of the child - what traits they embody, which authorities they subvert, how their agency develops and affects the world around them - will change with the sociopolitical environment of the country, and portrayals of nezha have always changed along with it, for the reason that his image is inextricable from that of a child's (3, 4). he is a representation, reflection, and symbolization of the youth.

(some media puts more emphasis than this on others, i.e. the songs used for the '03 cartoon opening and closing, which really emphasize him being little, being young (少年), and being the same age the presumably child singer (他的年纪跟我一般大) lol)

(this paper looks at the appearance of nezha in various medias for the past ~100 years, including adult portrayals, although it does make the assumption that adult actor = adult character and girl actor = girl character which is.. not really correct imo… also it includes 1979 nezha naohai as part of its 'adult image' era which is ????? so i would take its conclusions with a grain of salt and just look at its descriptions.)

you're also going to get a different answer if you look at it from a more religious viewpoint. as far as i know, he has religious iconography as both a child and as an adult, but his appearance is much more varied and doesn't necessarily have the same collective set of easily recognizable traits. here are some posts with artwork and statues of nezha (interspersed with some of hong hai'er): x y z.

however, the thing is that i don't think many modern adaptations can make the claim that they drew from a religious iconography basis more than they drew from the most popular cultural image of nezha. i then wish they would be more cognizant of the fact that, in the source from which they drew, nezha is most widely recognized as a kid, and treat that with respect.

obviously nezha is not always portrayed as a child. nezha is not always anything, there are just recurring visual and thematic elements that make him a cohesive and recognizable figure, i.e. the twin buns, the iconic weapons, the lotus imagery. being a child or a youth is also one of these things, and its significance, imo, is well analysed and documented.

at the end of the day this answer is only so long-winded because it's the internet. go text your parents and ask them how old they think nezha is.

GOD I NEED SOMEONE WHOS READ CRIME&PUNISHMENT AND PERFUME TO TALK TO ME

especially about raskolnikov vs grenouille like there's so many comparisons to make and i'm not eloquent enough to spit all of them out

like from the very beginning of c&p raskolnikov is almost uncomfortably human? he tries his best to isolate himself and alienate himself but in the end he's dragged back by a sense of humanity (via sonia?) and that's what redeems him

but on the other hand grenouille is characterized by his inhumanity, from the very beginning he feels anything but, even when he mingles with others (the scene where he goes into town wearing his 'human' scent for the first time) he feels like a wolf in sheeps clothing, and the fleece he's wearing only makes him look more wolfish

OK ONE OF THE BIGGEST THINGS: raskolnikov is obsessed with the idea of the extraordinary man, the superman, the napoleon. he commits the murder to find out if he is one of those supermen, and when confronted by the evidence that he isn't and probably will never be, his pride prevents him from acknowledging it.

whereas raskolnikov seeks a napoleon or a superman, grenouille almost unconsciously becomes/is one. where raskolnikov must actively seek to challenge and test his theory, grenouille carries it out with essentially no remorse, constantly (unknowingly and uncaringly) taking advantage of the law with absolutely no punishment or repercussion, and eventually becoming the said "napoleon" that raskolnikov may have hoped to become

imo raskolnikov is a man who hoped to become a napoleon, but was redeemed by the fact and realization that he was not. grenouille was a man not even aware of said 'napoleon', but became one of his own admission, transgressing the law as raskolnikov stated that he would have had the right to do, and creating a sense of godliness and greatness. BUT he also proves that raskolnikov's extraordinary man isn't really something to pursue, he feels nothing when he openly becomes a conquerer, rather that is the point where he feels the most empty. i think that that sort of idea is also shown in c&p? raskolnikov almost destroys himself in his pursuit of the extraordinary man, and grenouille shows that the extraordinary man is not such an extraordinary after all. i'm unsure about the thoughts here though haha. i want to come up with some binding statement, but i feel like saying "extraordinary man bad" isn't a good expression of my thoughts (there's also raskolnikov's dream at the end of the novel which connects to the topic but i don't wanna talk about what i've mostly forgotten)

so moving forward

raskolnikov's reasons for murdering alyona ivanovna were totally rational. the reasoning "she was useless/did more harm than good, therefore i can kill her" was coldly logical, and is a awesome representation of how necessary the balance of logic and emotion is (sort of like science? it's a sense of just because you can doesn't mean you should, and the main thing overpowering the "can" is morals and emotion, which combats that cold rationality of the "can")

grenouille's reasons for murdering are very passionate, the first time he kills isn't premeditated at all, he finds a scent he likes, and in a fit of pleasure hunts it down and absorbs it. he's a representative of the opposite end of the spectrum. where raskolnikov represents the evildoing of relying solely on logic, grenouille is the wickedness of only following your emotion, which can definitely also be harmful, maybe even more so

when raskolnikov commits his murder, he's totally overcome by a near masochistic need for redemption (or you can just say he becomes more unhinged/mentally unstable than he already was)

when grenouille kills for the first time he has no such feelings or thoughts, it just happens and he all but forgets about it, and even goes on to repeat the action. he shows absolutely no remorse and given the chance he's definitely kill the first girl again (raskolnikov would not. i'm sort of of the opinion he doesn't feel guilt for killing alyona herself, but he feels remorse for the crime in general and probably lizaveta idk i'll talk about it later maybe)

Raskolnikov's sense of humanity and togetherness? is brought back into him via Sonia&co, and basically the majority of the book is his punishment/start of regeneration. Grenouille is alone from the very beginning, he has absolutely no one and he never gets that redemption. (i loved the ending of perfume so much)

there's a little bit more in my head and this was super scattered and random but i can't persuade anyone else ik to read both of these and talk to me about it and my english teacher scares me so this is the best i can do - please feel free to debate me or say more!!

So I'm reading the "One Winged Butterfly" light novel rn and the first chapter is all about Gyomei coming to terms with letting the Kocho sisters become slayers and some things I found very interesting in it-

Shinobu was making medicine when she was just a child. That's pretty damn impressive.

Gyomei was genuinely sad when Kanae died and kind of blamed himself (though he pushes it down to where it's no longer tangible or impactful).

Gyomei knew Shinobu was going to die when he saw her the last time before the Big Boom (tm) happened. He wanted to tell her to he safe but couldn't force himself to say it, as he knew it was a hollow plea, and never one to waste his words, he knew it didn't matter. It speaks to his personality that he really doesn't speak unless the words are with purpose and decision.

Gyomei was actually scared of kids after what happened at the monastery. Not like "oh I hate kids", but like "oh here are some kids I wonder how they'll demonize and terrorize me". Like he literally thought every child he'd meet after that would take the opportunity to ruin his life again. He wasn't just deeply hurt by that encounter, he developed an actual ptsd concerning children. Oof ouchie my heart. It really makes me want to write a fic where he grapples with this as a new father...

Gyomei was also resistant to ever being "happy" again in terms of quality bonding time. Like so many FF writers (myself included, no callout) portray him as someone who deeply loves quality time, but it's quite the opposite. He's scared of it and does everything in his power to deny and run from it. And from his gradual acceptance of the sisters, we see it is acts of kindness (their willingness to forage and cook to show him their gratefulness) that drive straight to his heart, as well as the strength of their determination.

The characterization of Gyomei in this is very very important for folks who like writing for him. It's got so much of what a truly cold and un-biddable person he is. He's more like Sanemi's mask. In fact I'd say these two are often portrayed as opposites (gyo acts more like written nemi and nemi, more like written gyo). It's very interesting to watch him open up to the sisters even in such a short little drabble and made me appreciate his character even more.

At his core, Gyomei is a man terrified of being on the receiving end of someone's accusations again (and with good reason) to the point he now lets it shape and control his entire life, with the sole exception of Kagaya. I've said this before, but he's a man who recognizes his trauma and understands that it's not good for him, but still chooses to make it his armor for fear of opening up and being hurt again. It makes him wholly unique in the world of KnY as being incredibly self-aware and yet openly self-destructive. He'd rather drive himself into an early grave than ever allow someone to hurt him again and arrhshslalehjjdk that hurts me.

This drawing is also just too cute

I’m really afraid jacob won’t comeback on season 3 since he only signed for 2 seasons while sam signed for 5 seasons already. What do you think about that? Do you think jacob will extend his contract? I know rolin want to keep louis as the heart of the series but given that in books he was sidelined by anne rice, would jacob stay or chose other projects to have more chance as the lead actor rather than being limited in s3 and future seasons ?

I don't think we have anything to worry about re: Jacob Anderson in regard to the show. I've been seeing a lot of people worrying about it lately, and while I love that people love Jacob enough to be worried (!), I don't know where the fear is coming from, but I do hope that I can maybe alleviate some of those fears. I'm no expert or anything, but here are some things I think are note-worthy:

I want to point out (and I don't have a source on this one. If anyone does have the source, I would greatly appreciate it and will add it) that I've read that Jacob only signs on for a season at a time when he does shows. I've read that he did that with GoT and so it's not surprising that he, so far, is only signed for the first two seasons of IwtV in order to sign on for the first book. But, again, it's a habit, it's a pattern, he has a reason for doing it. It doesn't mean that he won't sign on for more seasons. In fact, I very much feel (like -- so strongly feel) that we will see Jacob on IwtV until its very last episode. Here's why --

“When I read the novel, it was very clear that this was a romance –indicates the showrunner–. And we wanted to tackle it in a big way: overflowing passion, big fights and big reconciliations. A relationship like that may not be the best thing for you in life, but sometimes you just can't control yourself, and that's what happens to Louis and Lestat." Will the show respect the structure of the books, in which Louis disappears and Lestat comes to the fore? “We want to focus on the relationship between the two,” replies the showrunner. That does not mean that they will be together in every scene of every chapter, but when the second season arrives you will have a clearer idea of ​​what will happen to Louis, and even more so in the third, when we adapt Lestat the Vampire [second volume of the saga ]." "We will keep the spirit of the novels and their emotional arcs, but their plots are built in a very different way than what a TV series asks for. Besides, who would want to get rid of an actor like Jacob Anderson? ".

from this Cinemania article

LOUIS’ FUTURE: If the TV series continues beyond the first book and adheres to The Vampire Chronicles storyline, Louis would be relegated to the sidelines as Lestat takes centre stage. O’Byrne says creators are aware of fan fears that the currentBlack-led story is positioned to serve a white hero’s arc. Assuming more seasons come, he says Louis will remain “a force in the show, in some way or another going forward.” “The way we have envisioned the show from a racially diverse perspective is something that will continue to be a priority for us,” says O’Byrne. “Part of that would be trying to keep Louis involved beyond the way he just dips in-and-out of the canon (after) the first book.” Issues around race were prominent in season one and will continue in season two as Louis and Claudia explore Europe, says O’Byrne, teasing that it will touch on “France’s colonial past.“

from this Toronto Star article

"I came back to them and said, 'I don't think it's a horror show, I think it's a gothic romance. I want to write a very excitable, aggressive, toxic, beautiful love story,'" Jones said of pitching the series to AMC. "And they were down for it." Jones also explained that the first season of the series will cover about half of the story in the Interview With the Vampire novel with potential future seasons getting into the rest of the Vampire Chronicles books, the series has already used those additional books to help build out that toxic love story. "Let's see them really go through all the little obstacles and challenges of a relationship," he said. "Like Bogey and Bacall, with some fangs."

from this ComicBook.com article

And from Jacob:

Coming into this in the beginning, I definitely had a fear that I wasn’t going to be accepted because of how Louis is presented in the original novel. It feels really significant to me that I’m included in the way that people think of this story now. From that point of view, it’s lovely. Loustat is something that…I mean, Sam was way more kind of ingratiated into the Anne Rice fandom than I was early on, I’d only read the first two books, which I was very much in love with, but I hadn’t read beyond at that point. But, we were saying, “Loustat.” We were calling them “Loustat” throughout the shoot... A big part of what made this adaptation really great, especially for Black viewers, was that it was color conscious storytelling. A lot of that had to do with it being set in the American South during the time period it was set in. But in the finale, you’re leaving that and leaving that area. Are we still going to explore that aspect of him, of Louis and Blackness, wherever and whenever we end up in season two? I think as it does with all of us, it follows you wherever you go, because we don’t live in a world that is post-racial. Wherever we find Louis, it’s going to be a part of his story. It’s going to be a part of his existence and his daily life. I mean, it is in Dubai, you don’t really see it, but I think there’s something very interesting about this Black man living up in a tower in Dubai. Honestly, I’m not being secretive, I don’t know yet exactly what is going to be explored in season two, but I always find this thing really interesting about European sensibilities at a certain time. Like James Baldwin going over to Paris to escape racism in America. This idea that Paris was this really welcoming place for Black people, particularly African-Americans. It would be interesting to see what we do with that. I think in a lot of cases it wasn’t necessarily true. It just wasn’t as awful as it was in America at that time.

from this InsideHook article

I think there are a lot of things here that give a ton of hope/confirmation of Louis' long-term part in this show.

From a "my personal interpretation of how they're setting up the show," and "my personal interpretation based on what they've said," and "my personal interpretation based on what is smart for a television show trying to stay on the air in a time where shows get cancelled very easily," here's what I'll say:

A lot of the above-mentioned information tells us that when Rolin Jones went into creating this show, he created it with the romance of Lestat and Louis at its center. I've said this before in other asks, but you can't set up a show that focuses primarily on a romance, turn around and get rid of that romance as a central aspect, and expect viewers to keep watching. At this point, viewers are invested in Lestat and Louis. Any post I see about the show not from stans, or overly involved people running blogs and twitter accounts ( :D ) are about the romance and ship of Loustat. It's drawn people in and will continue to do so, especially when season 2 comes around and we see the immensity of Louis' longing for Lestat, his yearning, and the undoubted 2022!Lestat reveal at the end. Audiences will be clamoring to see 2022!Louis and 2022!Lestat reunite. C l a m o r i n g. To not have it would be detrimental tbh.

It's also important to note that they are not doing a direct adaptation of the books. They are doing the spirit of the books, doing certain big arcs of the books, but clearly they are not doing the books themselves word-by-word. All things considered, it's not that hard to put Louis into these plot arcs, especially with how they've already changed things (i.e. Louis and Armand still being together in 2022, the complications of what Daniel being there means, etc.). And, personally, I think the addition of Louis to these plot arcs would vastly improve them, something I've always felt regarding the disappearance of Louis in the books series (by far my biggest Anne Rice criticism/complaint). In these three asks here [x] [x] [x], I've elaborated on my thoughts about the future of Loustat/the idea of Lestat with any of his future partners in the books/etc. and, to add to this, I feel like it's important to note that Lestat's other romantic partners in the books (beyond being part of what some like to call Anne's "anybody but Louis era") are characters like Nicki (who we will see, but who will die), Gabrielle (his mother, to which I don't see the show going too much into given the network and audience and also she abandons him frequently lol), Akasha (who we will see, but it will be non-consensual so it doesn't actually count in regard to romance), Antoine (who is Antoinette in the show and we've seen how not-full-of-love that relationship is and also its end), Gretchen (?????????), Dora (?????????????????), Rowan Mayfair (which Anne has said was one of her biggest regrets and I pray the show doesn't do it), and David Talbot (who I hope never comes to exist in this world and they give some of his storyline to Louis and/or Daniel, as it should have always been). Like there aren't any other characters set up for Lestat to be with other than the love of his life, Louis. I think we should also take note that Jacob is very much acting as though there are long-term intentions of staying. He's been reading all of the books (last I heard, he was on book 8, which is !!! crazy) and I don't feel like he would be reading them without the intention of knowing what he may be expecting in later seasons.

I could keep rambling, but to sum up what I've pulled from articles and my own thoughts, I think the show is going to continue with Sam and Jacob as pure co-leads for the entirety of the show. I think without them both, the show will not succeed and I think the show very much knows that.

Apothecary Diaries / Kusuriya no Hitorigoto General Impressions

Man, this anime has changed my life. I'm obsessed. Maomao my beloved, Jinshi is ironically but secretly somewhat of a sad little meow meow (badumptss), Gaoshun is my life, and Ace representation? In my anime? More likely than you think.

I somehow missed all of the fanfare about the manga! But even living in Japan, I think it was flying under the radar until the anime got announced, and then it had to compete with advertising for Oshi no Ko and the return of Spy x Family. However I can confirm that it is now sweeping the elementary school students in Japan which is A Big Deal.

I'm going to do a general overall SQUEE here about the show, and then hopefully do individual posts about the first 12 episodes later. Probably once I finish the second half of season 1 with my Capybara, because I WILL force us to go back and do a re-watch (I'm already re-watching it without subtitles to force my Beetle to watch it with me).

I'm also forcing myself to NOT read ahead in either of the mangas nor the light novel, both so that the mystery of what come next remains magical, and so that I don't burn myself out on it and instead milk it for all it's worth.

I am also spoiler avoidant for this unless I go looking for them myself, so this should be safe for anime-only peeps who are caught up on the first half. This is just my general impressions so far!

Going into this, I was expecting another Raven of the Inner Palace, but was worried it wouldn't be as good, and was still missing my lovely little Raven and her friends. I've seen my fair share of Chinese and Korean historical dramas that I enjoyed, but was worried this would be another Shojo, a genre I don't often like.

The PVs didn't do a lot to dispel this worry, but I assume this was simply because I had never read the manga. (I wonder what the initial impact would have changed had I done so.) It's been a while so I can't really pinpoint exactly what made me have doubts outside of simply wanting a second season of Raven Palace.

The first few episodes were a whirlwind of world building and set up, and mystery, and they dragged me fully into the world of high ranking courtesans and harems.

I immediately fell in love with Maomao's deadpan delivery, manical obsession with poisons, complete nonchalance with the sex industry and harem activities, and absolute lack of interest in Jinshi while still being able to appreciate how dangerously beautiful he is.

I fell in love with Jinshi's idiocy, the level of uke vibes he gives off, his knowledge of and use of his beauty as a weapon and tool while still giving off hints of not necessarily enjoying the attention, and felt like I was riding along with him in his fascination with MaoMao.

Gaoshun is a DELIGHT. I always love the exasperated assistant to the rambunctious Male Lead, and the nickname Xiaomao is SO CUTE AHHHHH. This happened in Raven Palace too, where the two eunuch assitants/spies were my favorite (but they were also crow shipping bait). Gaoshun is just a delightful 'old' man who needs a break and deserves one. I want to be Gaoshun.

The Ace/Aro vibes are also STRONG in this show, and I love it, even if it might only be vague representation.

I am aware of the debate over whether or not Maomao can be considered asexual or not, and I'm firmly on team A-spec, as someone who is aegosexual/ace myself and who can still have sex and consider it to be an act of connection with someone.

I agree that the environment she grew up in affected her views on sex and how it's a tool and a product, and women only get to control it in very limited situations, but that doesn't negate the ace label. Both can exist, and if it turns out differently in the future then that's that, but people are allowed to believe what they want.

Even both being on team Ace(Aro)!Maomao, Capybara and I have our disagreements about how this is going to play out, and have our own ideas about what we'd like to see play out too.

Capy hopes they become Bros and stay fully ace/aro, and I hope they end up in some sort of queer-like relationship. But either way I am SUPER happy to have a show that has so much of its world building connected to sex, and yet it doesn't revolve around sex. Even the fan service like moments aren't really all the fan service-y. They serve a purpose apart from fan service, and I am here for this.

(Maomao is absolutely telling her what a boob job is.)

The mysteries are great and twisty, and there are enough clues that if you're paying attention you can figure out what actually happened. Then there are some like the entire last few episodes of the first half that wouldn't be possible without knowing what Maomao learned, and we don't get to learn what happened until the culprit does either.

I admit that only watching the anime sometimes leaves me with questions, and the subtitle translations are sometimes different than what's being said, in a way that implies a cultural difference that's not possibly to translate clearly. Reading the corresponding chapter of both mangas to whatever episode I watched helps a great deal, and helps to fully flesh out the characters, their motivations, and the world as a whole in it's small small corner of the palace.

I'm looking forward to the second half of the season, and I will hopefully be posting reactions to each episode, and then when I go back to re-watch, I plan to write up about those episodes then. Maybe I'll make a master post, and maybe this hyper fixation will dissipate before I make it that far.

I LOVE THIS SHOW.

20 Questions for Writers

I was tagged by @lordoftherazzles and by @thenookienostradamus! Thank you both! These are some cool questions!

1. How many works do you have on AO3? Thirteen at the moment (not counting an Adar headcanon collection), but likely to be more soon.

2. What's your total AO3 word count? 170,865 (not bad for a year and a quarter)

3. What fandoms do you write for? Tolkien broadly (so far it's been Rings of Power, The Silmarillion, and The Hobbit - no LotR yet, but I do have an idea for one)

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? Click with caution, all of these but the second one are rated E; apparently, I am mostly known for Adar smut: Scars of Silver and Gold, Because the world is ending, Mistletoe Mischief, Calendar Girl, Until the Stars Burn Out

5. Do you respond to comments? Might take me a bit, but yes, I always do. I figure that someone gave me a little of their time in writing out a comment and I can give them some of mine in return. It's especially fun when people are predicting things; I love hearing what they think will happen.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Mmmm. I think it's probably Scars? Without spoilers, my protagonist lost something very important to her and although there's a lot of good things about that ending - she's still going to have that loss to grieve in the next fic and it'll inform her next arc. I'd say it's still a bittersweet ending.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? I don't really do purely happy endings? I write a lot of hopeful endings, but most of them have some darkness lurking under them. I guess if I have to pick one, it's into the wild because that's technically a fix-it fic with Nienor getting saved by Mablung. Although, I might continue it some day, and it would inevitably get some Nienna-the-Song-is-tinted-with-grief flavoring.

8. Do you get hate on fics? Not so far.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? Uh, yes. I'm not sure what "what kind" means here? I guess I've written a variety- from kind of dreamlike and romantic to fics featuring BDSM-related kinks.

10. Do you write crossovers? I have never written one. I think that I'd probably never directly write one. But I might do something like shove Elrond into the plot of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight for a bisexual awakening set sometime in the Second Age. Not sure if that's a crossover or just a retelling though.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not that I'm aware of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Yes. Into Russian, if I remember correctly. It was a long time ago and I'm not in that fandom anymore.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? Yeah, I'd say my THAUC piece counts as co-written in the sense that my artist partner and I talked through the main ideas and beats of the story together.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship? Uhhh for Tolkien, I'm afraid I don't have one (I like a lot of ships, but there's not one all-consuming one). So - I guess I pick Sesshomaru/Kagome from Inuyasha? That's the pairing I read when I don't know what else to read.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? I don't start a lot of WIPs. I have a lot more ideas for fics than I have documents or text written, but I do have a Finrod piece that I'm not sure I'll ever finish. I have a lingering idea that might save it, but I think that needs more time in the oven.

16. What are your writing strengths? Mmm - I think worldbuilding, specifically for culture is one of my strengths. I also think that I have a pretty good ability to make OCs that people care about (something that was important with a mostly OC cast).

17. What are your writing weaknesses? I struggle with internality a lot. I find thoughts cumbersome to write, because I process most things by talking them out or writing them down. I also think I could tighten up the cast of characters and subplots. It's something I'll definitely be careful with in novels going forward.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? It really depends on the fic. In Tolkien's world, I think so much of culture is tied up in language that it's a little hard not to include some bits and snatches of other languages. It's important to provide translations in text, I think, but otherwise, go for it if it's important to your characters and your plot.

19. First fandom you wrote for? Alas, I don't talk about that fandom anymore. The author turned out to be terrible.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written? Definitely Scars of Silver and Gold. It's my first completed longfic and I'm very proud of it, honestly. Are there some things I'd do differently? Yes. But I do love it. Honorable mention to peaches we devour, dusty skin and all. The YEARNING.

tagging (no pressure, just love): @runawaymun, @polutrope, @melestasflight, @fishing4stars

About Beast!Dazai and His Strategies Backfiring

It backfired so bad he ended up offing himself so I have to talk about it a little. I might be a little biased because I've been crying to Beast for like two years now and I can't be consoled.

Look... Beast!Dazai makes me want to cry hysterically, just like most things about Beast, but one thing especially strikes. 

Literally, NO ONE liked him and that was not what he wanted, at all he was not cool with this but there was nothing he could do about it.

He did every little shitty thing purely out of his selfish wishes– he wanted to be loved, particularly by Oda. So he thought he could do whatever he wanted because he knew he had/has people who cared/cares about him in the other universes. He was paying special attention to Oda because they couldn’t be both alive and well and friends in any other universe. He thought that the other bonds he had with other people would just happen someday and that it was a package deal. 

But he did NOT put any effort into that. Therefore, no one likes him. In fact, I'd say lots of characters dislike Beast!Dazai strongly. 

(and I can't even blame them because Dazai was an asshole for the whole light novel,,, if you want people to care about you YOU have to show them that, Dazai, I'm sorry no one taught you that you are so tragically unaware of everything it makes me sad) 

Still... he didn’t want it to turn that way. The thing I'd like to see more people mentioning is the fact that Beast!Dazai is a very emotionally driven character. He might be the Boss of the Mafia but that doesn't automatically mean he can't be highly emotional. He acted the way he did because he tried to pursue something he wanted, not because it was necessary for the Port Mafia. 

...Says the Boss himself.

While the mafia is obviously powerful as hell in Beast, it is still sad because... well, still no one likes the boss so what is even the point of being the leader. (I’m aware Mori is also not loved among most of the characters but it’s not his turn yet so just ignore him.) 

And I’m always telling people this but what makes me like (canon) Dazai’s character is the fact that he is constantly trying. He is not the best person out there but hey he is improving, okay? And that’s what matters to me. I love it when characters show development, whether it’s towards the good or bad side. 

What draws the line between Canon and Beast Dazai’s is that Canon!Dazai has people who care about his well-being (I'm not arguing about this with anybody but just in case if you want examples; Atsushi, Kunikida, the whole ADA actually, Chuuya, Ango, even Mori and i can still go on) and that he is learning from his mistake whileBeast!Dazai had never tried to change and just did whatever he wanted and now, surprise surprise, no one likes him. 

TL;DR: I feel so bad for Beast!Dazai I wish he didn’t constantly harm those around him and instead made some friends. His small conversation at the bar with Oda speaks volumes.

He was so happy that his eyes were glowing because he finally found someone he thought would be the #1 best friend in the world (yeah how did that feel when you got a gun pointed at you, Dazai? Turns out you don't automatically become friends with the person who has a valid reason to hate you.) 

Anyway thx for reading my rambling I have to go back to study biology for now.

UNRELIABLE NARRATORS; SIDE B

Patrick Bateman Propaganda:

Whether or not the murders Patrick committed truly happened or were simply product of his imagination is left unclear. When Patrick confesses all that he’s done to his lawyer, Howard, he tells Patrick his claims can’t be possible, as he dined with one of his supposed victims after he purported to have killed them.

A lot of what he says is inconsistent. At the end of one chapter and the beginning of the next, despite both events seemingly happening in the same day, he will be wearing a different outfit. At one point he says he's going on a date with Courtney, and then tells us about the date he is about to go on with Patricia. I've heard it suggested that Bateman amuses himself by embroidering the truth, which is certainly worth considering. And then there's the ending. By reading Bateman as unreliable, you have no idea whether the murders he confessed to are real or not (awesome!). On top of that, interpreting Bateman as an unreliable narrator leads to the conclusion that the novel is about the failure of the society that Bateman represents.

Narrator of Fight Club Propaganda:

Fight Club’s big twist is that The Narrator and Tyler Durden are revealed to be the same guy, despite being framed as separate people throughout the film/novel.

man his whole thing. everything he's got going on. I'm thinking book instead of movie but both work

Is it unreliable narration if the viewer is not aware of something that is also a plot twist to the narrator??? But also maybe not a plot twist to another part of him really agskgdksgd. Either way I feel like he's worth mentioning, especially since I read the book and I somehow got an even bigger feeling of "oh there is something wrong with this guy" than when I watched the movie first

He really just doesn't know what's going on

hes like the mascot. you don't even know that he made up a whole guy until the end

Solitudes: director's commentary

So this is a thing I do now, post commentary on my fics. I've been sitting on this fic for a long time and I'm excited to finally talk about it!

Read the fic here

Chapter 1

The title of this fic is a reference to “Two Solitudes”, a novel which I’ve never read, but which is a point of reference for Canadian political science, about the fundamental division between Quebec and English Canada, and the two never being able to connect or understand the experience of the other.  And that’s one of the inspirations for this fic, exploring the degree to which Dean and Cas understand each other and misunderstand each other, and their attempts to communicate what they want from their relationship.  I do believe that Dean and Cas understand each other and connect and relate to each other to a large extent, and far better than some fans give them credit for. Sometimes I see the “Don’t go/Ask me to stay” dynamic exaggerated to an extent that I believe no longer makes sense, given their friendship.  At the same time, there is an underlying tension and disconnect between them. They don’t have a perfect understanding of each other. And that still matters quite a lot. 

The other source of inspiration for this is that I haven’t written anything where Dean is the one with a handle on his feelings and wants to initiate something, since like 2013. And that I’ve never written anything set in season 12, despite that season having the perfect setup for Dean and Cas getting together.  And I was thinking, how do I push things further than what happened on the show? I usually like my fic to feel very situated in canon, and since Dean and Cas didn’t actually get together in s12, something else would have to happen, something to push Dean over the edge. Something that would also push Cas to make a realization.  So that’s how I ended up with the idea to lock Dean and Cas in a room together, with Dean thinking that Cas is dead, and Cas unable to do anything but watch. In my head, the alternate title for this story is “The Pear Jiggler fic”. Just stick them in a box and fuck with them. We also often talk about how Cas never gets to see how Dean reacts when he dies, so that was a fun thing to do as well.  And I just love a good bottle episode. Something that’s just all character-driven. 

In terms of characterization, one thing that’s very important to me is that Cas knows that Dean cares about him. He’s not some poor soul who thinks he’s on thin ice all the time, or thinks that he has to be useful to be loved. He understands that Dean cares, but the misunderstanding is the degree to which Dean needs him in his life.  Cas does have a drive to be useful, to solve problems, but it’s internally motivated. He has to prove that he’s useful for himself, not for Dean. Even when Dean gets pissed at him, Cas doesn’t take it too, too personally, because he does still know that he’s important to Dean.

For Dean, the emphasis is really on the way he retreats when threatened, emotionally. When he behaves badly, it’s partially because he’s worried, but also as a defence mechanism. He only puts words to his feelings when he has nothing left to lose. 

It’s been a while since I’ve written a version of Cas that wasn’t fully tuned in to his feelings for Dean. One of the more fun things about this angsty fic was having Cas thinking about Dean wistfully, and not imagining that Dean might be in love with him, or that his feelings are anything other than friendship.  I guess the other option was to write mutual pining, Dean and Cas both being aware of their feelings but neither realizing the other feels the same way. But for me, the realization that what they feel is love is a really fun part of the story, so I wanted that moment for at least one of them.  Of course, Dean isn’t fully there yet either. Like he knows, but he’s not 100% there. But it’s just caution that’s holding him back. A lot of the time in fic, when it’s Dean’s POV and he knows he’s in love with Cas, there’s a whole big self esteem thing that holds him back. And I never really buy that. Plus it’s unnecessary.

I’ve noticed that in a lot of my fics, I get Dean out of the driver’s seat of the Impala, or out of the Impala entirely. It is about getting him into a new situation, making him feel off-kilter in some way. Switching up the status-quo. 

I’ve been playing the Sims quite a bit, mostly building homes, and therefore looking at a lot of fancy real estate postings for inspiration. I find brutalist architecture quite compelling in its own right. I wanted a setting that feels foreboding, but still like a place where someone might actually have lived. A room with very little in it that could provide distraction. And a space where light plays an important role, which it does in brutalist buildings, I think. I do find it unlikely that a desk and chair would have survived, but Dean needed something to smash up, so. And the fountain wall is there to create a sense that the building is being taken over by something, it has something growing in it. 

The monster itself isn’t consciously based on anything. It’s what it needs to be for the story. Whatever lore I made up only exists to support its function in the story. Even the way Sam kills it, just serves to underline that it’s unique and powerful, and therefore able to keep Cas contained.

Chapter 2

I didn’t have the idea to do the split-screen until I was well into planning the fic. To emphasize the division between Dean and Cas, their mismatched perspectives. For a second I considered just having two unbroken columns, so that the reader would have to decide when/if to go back and forth, but that would have been kind of confusing. And ultimately, Cas is reacting to Dean, so you need to keep going back to Dean to understand Cas.  I wrote Dean’s side first, as the independent variable. Deciding where to break, and switch to Cas was a bit of a back-and-forth process, because it had to work both in terms of story and in terms of rhythm.  One thing I liked about this is that I didn’t have to decide whose POV to write in. Unless a story is strictly one character’s POV I usually plan out scenes from both of their perspectives and then decide which one is better to take for the story, and sometimes that can be kind of tough. 

Of course, the entire conceit of this scenario is that it’s a metaphor for their relationship. Or it takes the tension in their relationship and brings it to the next level. They’re together, but there’s something preventing them from fully connecting. They understand each other, but they misunderstand each other at the same time. And it’s by making that disconnect physical that they start to kind of be able to deal with it. Because it gives Cas a perspective on Dean that he didn’t have before. They don’t fully resolve their problems by the end, and to be honest I wouldn’t want them to. But they make some progress. 

I had fun with the imagery for this. Dean and Cas sharing the same space, being separated by light, and by illusion.

Dean’s alcoholism figures very heavily in this. But it is not addressed as a problem for him to overcome. I neither feel equipped to write a story about alcoholism per se, nor do I want to. A running theme throughout a few of my fics is that Dean and Cas do not fix each other. They keep being the same fucked up guys. And I think getting Dean to a place where he wants to deal with his substance abuse problems would require a lot more story behind it. 

The withdrawal is there to make things that much more horrible for Dean, not to actually deal with alcoholism as an issue.. And it adds an extra sense of threat. I didn’t do a ton of research on what happens when someone goes through withdrawal, I just looked up a timeline for symptoms (it can start after just six hours! I didn’t know that before). And I confirmed that someone could die from withdrawal. 

For Dean, chapter 2 is about making him sit with his misery. Unlike every other time he’s lost Cas on the show, there’s nothing to distract him here. And that’s one of the things that pushes him to vocalize his thoughts and feelings..  As well, anger, guilt, fear and love are all very much intertwined for Dean. And that’s accentuated by the situation. So he says “I hate you” before he says “I love you.” But then, as his motivation to survive kind of drains away, his defensive instincts do as well. 

For Cas, it was about forcing him to accept that things are outside of his control. There’s no more desperate moves, he can’t throw himself on his sword. Like Dean, there’s nothing to distract him, he’s forced to stop and reflect on what’s happening. He has to face what he means to Dean.  When Cas says “I’m not worth it” - that’s something that came up when I was freewriting dialogue and it just felt right. But I spend zero time unpacking it. Again, it’s one of those things - Dean and Cas are both fucked up, they both have their problems, and this experience doesn’t change that. In fact, it probably makes him worse. Another aspect of Cas’ powerlessness is how he relates to his human body. Not having it, or not being able to use it, makes him more possessive over it. 

Still on the topic of Dean and Cas not being able to fix each other, you see that when Dean says he’s in love with Cas, and it finally clicks for Cas. It doesn’t solve anything.  I did really want to make the point that the two of them being in love doesn’t change anything in terms of their plans or obligations. And it doesn’t really change much about how they relate to each other either. I’ve said before that their friendship and their romance are indistinguishable imo. And the other side of that is that Dean and Cas are both more than their relationship, and the pressures and stresses they face mostly come from outside their relationship (which is a fact that fans lose sight of sometimes). Whether they’re officially In Love or not, they want to be together, but there’s other forces, both internal and external, keeping them apart. 

I hope Dean lying down with Cas’ dead body works. It’s super melodramatic, but it’s also kind of gruesome and I like that. I also love the idea of Cas being jealous of the illusion of his dead body. 

Chapter 3

A dynamic that I really like in storytelling is when The Big Event in the story is not the thing that pushes the characters towards the resolution, but it primes them for the next little thing tipping them over. I do that here, and I kind of do that in Life Skills too. It feels more real to me, and it creates more space to explore the ending imo. So Dean tries to go back to normal!

The fight in the parking lot was probably the scene that was the most fun to write. Like it’s still frustrating and angsty, but it’s kind of funny too. 

And yeah, Cas still feels trapped. The repetition of the gray and green imagery reflects that. He still feels powerless, and it just takes one more shove to get him to open up about it.

Dean has a bit of an impulse to be controlling here. First of all, because I do think it’s in character, but also because I think it’s fun. Like I don’t like to go super-toxic with Dean and Cas, but there’s a measure of toxicity. Again, they keep being fucked up. For Dean, I just touch on it briefly, but I think one aspect of his upbringing is that love has to be proven. Like, he loved his father, so he did what was asked of him. If Cas loved Dean, then he would do what Dean asked of him - this is the main concept that underlies my read of Dean’s reaction to Cas collaborating with Crowley in s7.  For Cas’ part, he doesn’t really register that there’s anything wrong with Dean’s behaviour, or he reads in the best intentions. Which is a fun idea to me. 

I really grappled with whether or not to have a sex scene as part of the resolution. It felt formulaic to do so. There wasn’t a story that I wanted to tell with their sex. But on the other hand, I know there would have been a time when I would have been disappointed to read something like this and not get a sex scene out of it. They go through such intense emotions, it only seems fair to the reader. Ultimately it came down to the fact that there wasn’t anything else that I wanted to say about Dean and Cas. 

I kind of grappled with the end in general. Usually, I write fic with a particular ending in mind. For this one, the journey was the focus more than the ending. But I think the ambiguity works. Nothing is fixed, but they’re trying.

And that’s what listening to the tape at the end is about. The tape is Dean’s way of trying to communicate with Cas. But Cas didn’t really get it before. Now Dean is trying to help him to understand. I considered including lyrics at the end. But the scene isn’t about the lyrics, the lyrics could be anything, it’s about the fact of them listening together.