#also being sober is really fucking hard you guys like how do you not relapse at the smallest thing
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hey so i'm sober now, and i have emotions again! they are as follows:
depressed and crying for a whole day
super happy and energetic for two days
depressed for four days!!!!! also crying some more
maybe a happy day
the nice doctor lady who did my assessment for therapy asked me if i thought i might have bipolar, and i told her i don't know! i feel like i don't know enough about it to say. so i went on wikipedia and guess what i think I have now.
self-diagnosis is a fool's game though so that's why i'm waiting for this therapist. they will tell me, hopefully, what is the matter and then help me fix it. what i'm doing in the meantime is asking myself "is there anything i can do about what is bothering me right now" and if the answer is yes i do the thing that will help and if the answer is no i try my best to let it be. sometimes letting it be means eating a whole pint of ice cream and you know what, that's okay.
#i need a therapist so bad you guys i cannot wait to be matched with one#the thing about bipolar too that is listed as a symptom is “delusions”#sadly for me what i have is not delusions of grandeur they are delusions of being surveiled/constantly watched/listened in on#i guess because i've been alone so long i went ahead and made some imaginary friends#but not like normal ones#like imaginary friends-extra#where they have cameras in my apartment and watch me like a reader reading their favorite character in a novel#they watch me rattle around my empty apartment like a bean in a tin can and they go#little cinnamon bun it'll be okay#anyway lol i need help but i'm gonna get it don't worry#bipolar#depression#anxiety#not enough ice cream in the world for this shit#would you believe i'm almost 40 lol#also being sober is really fucking hard you guys like how do you not relapse at the smallest thing#all i can think about right now is buying ONE edible because i forgot to pay rent and it's making me fall to pieces#i am refusing to make that purchase#also don't worry rent is paid i have an emergency card for this sort of thing
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Learning to Speak
Chapter 1: Channeling the Noise
[A03]
Moments of TK in therapy.
“Has anything important happened since your last session?” Melody Janson asks, a warm expression on her face. T.K.’s seen her for a couple of sessions already, but he’s still getting used to her therapy style. He’s been to a lot of therapists in his time, some of them good and some of them bad. He isn’t quite sure where Melody falls yet, but he likes her as a person, which is enough that he’s going to take the sessions semi-seriously, even if his willingness to share about himself is still limited. There are still some things that he can’t say and he’s not sure he will ever be able to say. He’s made peace with the antsiness of the things that go unsaid. The thwarted words bounce on his tongue like it’s a diving board and they are waiting to plunge into the icy waters of hard conversations.
“Depends what you consider important.” He pinches his lips together. He continues when she doesn’t say anything. “I don’t know. It’s been the same mostly. For all the action I experience, my life is boring most of the time.” Boredom is one of the things that makes him want to use, so he craves the moments of action, but there are never enough of them. He could tell her about calls he’d had on the job— like the baby in the tree—but he hadn’t done a whole lot in that rescue. The brunt of the work had been all his dad, ever the hero, and T.K. doesn’t feel like bringing up his dad because Melody always hones in on that topic. As nice as she is, she’s a vulture when it comes to certain discussions, which is probably what he needs, but he doesn’t want to need it. Some days he loves therapy, and other days, he hates it.
“Have you still been feeling restless?”
“Since birth,” he jokes. “I don’t know how to keep myself busy. Time is slower when I am sober. I only used oxy that once, but it feels like it’s sent me a million steps back.” One slip up, and he feels like he’s ruined everything. It feels like things will never be back to normal, and how can they be? He’s moved across the country to a hot and stuffy place that lacks the cool veneer of New York City. He misses Manhattan nights already. He doesn’t need stars. The New York skyline has always been more dazzling, and since he was a kid, it told T.K. stories that the constellations could never tell. New York may not be a natural wonder, but it’s a wonder nevertheless.
“Progress can be slow and isn’t always linear,” Melody reminds him. “How have the urges to use substances been?”
T.K. shifts in his seat. The urges are there, and that’s enough to send a wave of self-hate through T.K. It bothers him that he’ll never rid himself of those urges. He can lessen them, but he can’t stop them from existing. “Okay, I guess. They’ve been more manageable lately. I’m still fucked up, but I always will be.” Melody raises her eyebrows at “fucked-up,” and he knows it’s not because she’s concerned about his foul-mouth. He can tell she’s noting that to talk about later.
“What techniques have you been using to keep them manageable?” He has a whole toolbox of techniques that he’s collected from various stints in therapy, but some of them have become rusty, and it’s taking time to make them usable after neglecting them.
“I’ve been able to notice when I feel on edge more.” It’s like looking at the radar to predict a storm. He was never able to do that before. He’d always ignored that feeling of creeping closer to a cliff until he was staring down at the abyss below and gravity pulled him over.
“Sounds like you’re learning a lot about yourself. When I saw you in our last session, you were very on edge. You said you were feeling antsy about being in Austin. How are you feeling this week about being here?”
“It’s never going to be home, but I’m getting used to this place. I’m not getting lost as much, and it has a weird charm.”
Melody understands what he means immediately. “Yeah, it sure does. Have you been keeping up with thought-behavior logging?” The thought-behavior log is a worksheet that she gives him each week to explore how certain situations can lead to beliefs that produce unhealthy behaviors and negative feelings.
T.K. nods. “I’ve been filling it out, but I don’t know that it’s doing anything.”
“You did say that you were more aware of when you felt anxious. That’s progress. Did you make any helpful observations when you were logging your information? Even something small can be important.”
“That distractions are good for me.” Getting his mind off what was wrong with him is the best way to pretend that he was okay. He isn’t sure if that was an unhealthy way of coping or not. Knowing himself, it probably leaned towards unhealthy.
“What kind of distractions do you mean?”
“Anything I can find.” Anything but that one thing that he shouldn’t do, shouldn’t even think about.
“What’s the first one that comes to mind?” She’s persistent enough that she can get past the resistance that T.K. can’t help but have when some tries to get to know him.
“I met a guy— Carlos— and he’s been keeping me busy enough that I can keep my impulses in check.” He adds, “It doesn’t hurt that he’s hot. Between seeing Carlos and my job, I don’t have too much time to think. I can’t be tempted if I don’t have tempting thoughts. It’s a win-win.” T.K. is enjoying the no-strings relationship he has with Carlos. He’s glad they haven’t decided to complicate things by defining a relationship. He’s not ready for a real relationship. He gets attached too fast and that only leads to heartbreak.
“So these distractions are the main tool you use to stay sober?”
“I guess. It’s been working so far. I haven’t relapsed.” He’s thought about substances— a lot— but he hasn’t acted on those thoughts. He doesn’t let himself be proud of that fact because staying sober never should have been a challenge to begin with.
“I think that would be a good topic to add to our session today. But before we dig too deep into that, I want to know what else you’d like to cover today. Is there anything you think we need to talk about beyond this new relationship and the other distractions you may have going on?”
“It’s not a relationship,” T.K. tells her. “It’s… complicated.” T.K. chuckles to himself. “I’m sure you’ll want to unpack that.” So much to unpack, so little time.
“You’re as much responsible for our agenda as I am.” He doesn’t want that responsibility. He wants someone to shove him through this process as quickly as possible so that he doesn’t have to think about it anymore, but Melody has explained how important it is that he takes an active role in the process, so he’s trying to meet her halfway.
“I guess we can add it. It can’t hurt.”
“Okay, T.K.,” she says, “I think we should also touch on how you’ve been feeling about your sobriety.”
“We can talk about it, but I’m feeling fine.” He’s not happy, but it’s not like he’s ready to swallow a handful of pills— again. He wants to be sober. He wants to be alive. I’m good.
“You seem apathetic about most of these topics,” Melody observes. “Why do you think that is?”
“It’s just been that kind of week.” Work’s been hard. He isn’t sure what to think of his new coworkers yet. He likes them, but he doesn’t know them yet. It doesn’t take long for firefighters to bond with how much time they spend together, but T.K. is overwhelmed with having to basically reset his whole life and try to make sense of his new situation.
“What kind of week is that?” Therapy is a lot of questions, so many questions.
“The kind where I don’t want to think.” He wants to clear his mind and forget he exists because that’s easier than having to sort through the influx of feelings that he has. It’s the perfect kind of mood for substances to creep in and screw everything up.
“I see. Is something weighing on your mind?”
T.K. shrugs both shoulders. “Just the usual stuff. Work, getting used to this crazy place. I haven’t slept well.”
“Have you been having trouble adjusting?”
“It’s hard not knowing anyone. I’m good with people, so I can fit in, but it’s still hard. ” He puts on a big smile and acts like his normal goofy self and that seems to endear other people enough, but it doesn’t bring them too close. He’s not sure if he’s ready to get too close.
“That’s something we can explore some more because you’ve expressed in past sessions feeling like you don’t have a good support system here in Austin.”
“Another item on the agenda?”
She nods, a pleasant look on her face. “Does what we have sound like enough?”
“We’ve got a lot on the agenda,” T.K. says with a sigh. “So, yeah, sounds like enough.”
“You always rise to the challenge. Remember that we can always be flexible to suit your needs, okay?”
“Yeah, okay.”
“Let me ask, what is the most important of these items for you, T.K.?”
“Let’s start with the distraction thing,” T.K. tells her because he’s not sure where he wants to begin and the first thing on the list seems easy enough. Might as well just knock them out in order. “Or the guy thing. They’re pretty much the same topic.” His heart gets fluttery when he thinks of Carlos, and he’s not sure if it’s in a bad way or a good one.
“Okay, the male distraction. Do you want to tell me about him?”
“His name is Carlos. I met him on a call.”
“What do you like about him?” He’s nice to me. He has the best smile. He was the first person who made me forget that I was an outsider in Austin.
“I think the sex might be better than drugs.” He says the sex part before thinking about it, and then he feels weird because he’s talking about his sex life with a woman he barely knows. He’s always been pretty open about that kind of thing, a trait he inherited from his parents, but it’s different in a clinical setting. The faded, geometrically-patterned chair feels stiff under him like it’s judging him.
Melody’s face doesn’t change from neutral. “What about sex is satisfying to you?” Everything. T.K. doesn’t really believe that sex is better than drugs, but it is close and it helps him to pretend that it is better than drugs. Sex is a release. It allows him to escape his head for a while and give in to his carnal urges. “Like I said, it’s a distraction.”
“What does it distract you from?” Everything.
“If I think about it too hard, that defeats the purpose of distraction, doesn’t it?” He doesn’t like to use the words addict or drugs or substances, which probably doesn’t bode well when drugs are what got him in therapy in the first place, but at the end of the day, the drugs are a symptom of the feelings he has that he can’t deal with. Those stiff words hang in the air and then he keeps thinking about them, and if he thinks about them, he figures that he’ll give in eventually, and he doesn’t want to give in. He doesn’t want to disappoint his dad, lose his job, or hurt anyone else. He doesn’t care much about himself, but the way his addiction impacts other people holds him back when he’s on the edge between resiting and relapsing. Sometimes, it is enough. Other times, it is not.
“What do you think will happen if you talk about it?”
“I’ll lose control?” Control— that sounds deep and pathological, and therapists like that, right? He’d had a therapist who had been obsessed with the control thing, so he ran with the idea, thinking it was something he could hurry Melody through. His real answer is somewhere behind a wall in his mind that he doesn’t want to peak through let alone tear down. He keeps a lot behind that wall, just beyond the point of easy access. It’s a cluttered wasteland, but with the wall, he doesn’t have to look at the mess of life. He can pretend it’s not there, and if he can’t easily access it, he won’t think about it.
“Lose control of what?” she pushes him.
“Just in general,” T.K. tries.
“What is it about control that alarms you so much?” she asks again, and the question is oddly unsettling as flashes of him being high or drunk rush through his mind. He brought this up, and now he’s regretting the can of worms he’s popped open thinking it was just a normal can. He suddenly and ironically feels like he’s lost control of this line of thought. He should have thought this through, but he didn’t. That’s what he’s always done; he didn’t look before he leaped. He’s not afraid of losing control, he realizes with dread. He’s afraid of taking control. Maybe Dr. Bundting wasn’t such a quack about this control thing after all. There’s something alluring about spiraling. He disarms himself so that no one can do it for him. He hands his life over to substances so that he doesn’t have to take the reigns and navigate through it himself.
T.K. crosses his arms over his chest. “No one likes to lose control.” Except for freaks like me. T.K. feels his chest clench, and his heart is pounding.
“The question seems to bother you. Was there something I said that made you uncomfortable?”
“It’s complicated.” Complicated is the way T.K.’s life works. Nothing is clear-cut, and it makes deciding what the fuck he is doing with his life eight million times harder.
“Can you explain what makes it so complicated?”
“It’s weird,” he tries, but Melody has never been stopped by that excuse before, so he’s not sure why he thinks it will work now.
“Austin is weird,” Melody says with a reassuring smile. “We like weird here.”
T.K. takes a breath. “I used to lose control all the time, and it didn’t bother me. I liked being out of my mind and not caring about anything.”
“And how does it make you feel about yourself when you’re in that state of mind?”
He swallows. “Like I’m defective.” He adds a laugh so it doesn’t sound so pathetic. “But also like I’m alive. It takes away the worries for a while.” He shakes his head. “But, mostly defective.”
“You remember how we talked about core beliefs?”
T.K. rolls his eyes. “I’ve been hearing that word for years.”
“Then you probably know where I am going with this. What makes you think you’re defective?”
“I can’t do things that normal people can.”
“What can’t you do?”
“Handle things in a normal way. When anything goes wrong, I spin out.”
“You’ve been managing your cravings. That doesn’t seem like spinning out to me.”
“It’s more of a feeling, and then the feeling is what makes me want to do things that I shouldn’t.”
“Can you define what ‘spinning out’ means to you?” Wanting to give in and wreck my life just to escape my head for a while.
“I go crazy. My mind starts to race, and before I can think better of it, I’m doing something dumb.” He hates to think about all the stupid things he’s done just because he doesn’t have the mental clarity to resist those impulsive urges.
“What kind of ‘dumb’ actions are you referring to?”
“Relapsing, fighting, fucking up opportunities— those kinds of things.”
“You called those actions dumb, so can you tell me what do those actions have to do with your intelligence?” Because I am an idiot who can’t control himself.
“Because I should know better than to do them. That’s pretty dumb, right?”
“You seem to use that kind of language a lot about yourself. Do you think addiction or mental illness makes someone dumb?”
“I know it makes me dumb.” My mistakes could have all been avoided if I only used my head.
“Okay, so your addiction makes you feel dumb, but if you saw my other patients behaving because of their illnesses, would you call them dumb? Or did your dad’s PTSD, for example, make him dumb?”
“He went through a lot, so it makes sense that he would react in the way he did. He wasn’t acting dumb, not really. He was just trying to survive after a shitty situation put his life in danger.”
“And what’s different about you? When you talk about your dad, you blame the circumstances, but when you talk about yourself, you attack your core characteristics.”
“I made choices. That’s what created his problems. My dad was powerless. Something happened to him while I happened to me.”
“I’m all for taking accountability, but don’t you think you’re showing yourself none of the mercy that you offer your dad or other important people in your life?”
“He deserves that.” I don’t.
“What has he done to deserve that? You’ve talked about how his actions hurt you, so why do you forgive him for those actions that hurt you but not your own actions that hurt you?”
“There’s nothing to forgive. He never meant to hurt you.”
“Did you mean to hurt yourself?” she prods.
“I tried to…” T.K. trailed off. “I nearly died.”
“If you got to choose how you feel, would you choose to hurt?”
“No. Who would?”
“So, that brings me back to the question, why can you forgive others more easily than yourself.”
“It hurts me more not to forgive him.”
“Does it not hurt you more to not forgive yourself?”
“Because maybe he’s not perfect, but I’ve burdened him with my issues, so I owe him forgiveness. It’s not his fault that I’m overly sensitive or whatever. He made mistakes.” But I am the mistake. “But he’s a hero, and the hero’s kid always has to make room for the heroics, but I was always too selfish to see that..” T.K. doesn’t mention how he still has a kernel of resentment for Owen, one that he has never been able to forgive away.
“What about you? You save people every day. Aren’t you a hero? If being a hero is why you are merciful with your dad, shouldn’t you extend that to yourself?”
“Yeah, but it’s my job to save people, and I haven’t sacrificed anything to help others. My dad lost his whole crew on 9/11. That’s a sacrifice.” What about my loss? the childish part of him wants to say, but he’s learned that that part of him is the one that drives him further from his dad. When he lets his inner child say his piece, the tension between T.K. and Owen smothers any goodwill they’ve forced into existence through years of close proximity and the common goal of saving other people’s lives.
“It takes sacrifice to be a hero?”
“Yeah, if you don’t lose anything from doing something, it’s not a big deal.”
“You sacrificed many moments with your Dad. You sacrifice time and energy at your job. Wouldn’t that make you a hero too under your definition?”
“It’s not like I had a choice.”
“Why not?”
“Firefighting was the only thing I’ve ever considered.”
“Okay, and why’s that?”
“Because I knew it was what I wanted.” He didn’t need to think. While other kids his age had been debating what they wanted to be, he never had to make that grueling decision. He just knew. My fate had been decided for me already, and it was nice not to have to think about what kind of future I wanted. It had always been written for me.
“What was it that you wanted?” A dad.
“To be like my dad.”
“And are you like him?”
“Not in any of the good ways.” T.K.’s sure that he and Owen are both headstrong. They’re both passionate and like grand gestures. T.K. knows that he’s a lot like his Dad but not in the ways that would make him proud.
“In what ways aren’t you like him?”
“Well, for one, I’m constantly making bad decisions. I nearly died before I came here, remember? I was so dumb. What was I trying to accomplish by nearly killing myself?”
“You’re back to using the word ‘dumb.’ Do you know the early meaning of dumb?”
“Probably not,” T.K. admits.
“In Old English, it referred to someone who was mute.”
“Yeah, and?”
“And people conflated the inability to speak with the lack of intelligence. Dumb was a word used to degrade and mock those who couldn’t speak because other people didn’t understand muteness”
“What’s that got to do with me?”
“While the behaviors that result because of your mental illness may feel dumb as in stupid, you’re conflating your inability to speak with the lack of intelligence. Mental illness doesn’t rob you of your intelligence; it robs you of your ability to speak and communicate your feelings. Your ‘dumb’ behaviors are attempts at communication, but in these sessions, we figure out how you can break your silence.
“So I’m learning how to talk to people?”
“Not just how to talk to people but also how to talk to yourself. Your self-dialogue fuels your feelings and behaviors, so if we can change that dialogue, we can change your experiences with the world. What I want to accomplish with you goes beyond just talking. What I’m teaching you is how to communicate healthily, which can come in more forms than just verbal language. There are lots of ways to speak, and what you need to do is find the ones that work for you.” Melody’s words linger with T.K. as he carries on the session, and he wonders if happiness is that easy. Is it nothing more than learning to speak?
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season 6 thoughts
hey quick question why the FUCK did you start with that
like on the one hand i’m glad that now i know what happened right after the end of “that’s too much man!”. on the other hand… ow
the mountain bojack climbs is called “metaphor mountain” God bless Lisa Hanawalt
i LOVE the way the episodes are framed… like you get one flashback to bojack drinking and you think that was the first time then it’s like NOPE he was even younger
CINDY CRAWFISH AKSHDJDSF
AND BABY BOJACK SNUGGLING UP TO HIS MOTHER… TRYING TO FEEL AN EMBRACE SHE WOULD NEVER GIVE… CATCH ME CRYING IN THE CLUB
WHO THE FUCK CAME UP WITH THIS NEW INTRO
AND THE WAY IT HAS ALL THOSE FLASHBACK SCENES BUT IT STILL ENDS WITH HIM FALLING INTO THE POOL AND DIANE AND PEANUTBUTTER CHECKING TO SEE IF HES OK AND THEN HES JSUT LOUNGING IN HIS APPLE SHORTS;;; it’s just,, he’s going back home in the end, going back to the place where he started, as if everything will go back to the way it was before and he’ll find himself stuck in the same cycles he tried so hard to escape… all im saying is, i dont think this season is gonna end well
and how it dwells on his past, everything he did wrong, all the most heartwrenching moments, and there aren’t any changes to the intro (as far as i could tell) until episode 8… nothing changes if all you do is look back.
I am LOVING the Mr. Peanutbutter we’re getting this season. I was never really attached to him before; it’s not that I hated him, just that I liked all the other main characters better. and now that they’ve had him do something really bad and reckon with that,, he’s plumbing new depths, exploring those dark places, questioning if he’s truly as happy as he says he is
and bonding with bojack??? who would have guessed
bojack keeps giving advice that is, at best, the kind he doesn’t follow himself, and at worst, bringing others down into the well of self-pity that he’s been stuck in the whole series
Someone give Princess Carolyn a break…
SHE NAMED HER DAUGHTER RUTHIE IM CRYING
Guy seems like a cool guy but I feel like they’re setting him up to seem nice so that it’s more surprising when it’s revealed he’s not. I’m probably being too suspicious, but also we don’t know much of the details about his divorce, do we? Lakeith Stanfield's great tho
EPISODE 4 WAS COMEDY GOLD
The return of Queefburglar69
I WANNA WRAP PICKLES UP IN A BLANKET LIKE A BURRITO AND TELL HER EVERYTHINGS OKAY
Oh man Pickles talking about how her subscribers will always be there for her… like… it’s not one person, it’s a cloud of people, the contents and shape of which changes, might even be completely different and unrecognizable from one year to the next, but they’re all still there as this nebulous support system. and it reminded me of what bojack said to young sarah lynn about how her fans are the only things she can count on
Todd is babey.
Also him wearing the ace colors under his hoodie!!
I knew Diane’s rationale for going to chicago was bullshit. she said it makes her feel good, but “it doesn’t matter where you are, it’s who you are,” and she still dwells on her bad feelings and hates herself just as much in chicago as she did in LA. moving somewhere else isn’t necessarily gonna change those tendencies, she has to work on it herself.
OH MAN AND WHEN BOJACK GETS DR CHAMP DRUNK AGAIN… THROWING THE BOTTLE OUT THE WINDOW WAS A WAY TO AVOID RUINING ANOTHER LIFE AND HE ENDS UP DOING THE EXACT THING HE HOPED HE WOULD NEVER DO AGAIN
was honestly kinda hoping that Dr Champ was just pretending he got drunk to show how bad bojack could get if he relapsed but at the end when he was like “stay…” that’s how i knew that shit was real.
todd is so fucking stupid i love him
ngl am kinda disappointed that todd’s confirmed white, cause i’ve kinda been picturing him as latino for a long time and i know rbw said he doesn’t want to alienate latino viewers who relate to todd. but it makes a lot of sense, cause he always gets away with stupid shit and gets to the top of things without even having to try just because he knows a guy. and maybe the reason he’s so positive all the time is because it’s so easy for him to be, he never has to worry about shit bc of the privilege his whiteness affords him. also I love that we got to learn more about his backstory
THE CONTRAST BTWN “all the shitty things I did that I can barely even remember because I was high or drunk or it was thirty years ago” and “I remember everything. I’m sober now.” !!!!!!!!!!!!!
sharona sounds like a cross btwn princess carolyn and margo martindale
I have… mixed feelings about the haircut
Oh man Mr. Peanutbutter had a moment… he finally got that crossover episode… I was kinda hoping for a joke that went “Mr. Peanutbutter and BoJack Horseman in the same room? What is this, Philbert?” or “What is this, a short-lived show on a streaming network that got canceled because the star got addicted to painkillers and strangled his costar in a drugged haze?” but this is SO MUCH BETTER. I've never seen him cry before and the way he reacts to himself crying suggests that maybe he’s never cried before at all, and that’s why he just keeps laughing, almost like it’s forced, cause this is supposed to be his happiest moment and it’s not supposed to make him so sad. fucking,, character development
and the cold open of ep 8… you can forgive yourself and move on from your past wrongs but it doesn’t erase the things you did, the effects they have on people, and the trauma they’ve suffered. and then like, how can you forgive yourself if they never forgive you? how do you maintain that balance? why should you move forward if they can’t?
its weird to have an episode consisting entirely of guest stars but it also illustrates the extensive world they’ve built and i applaud that… also where the fuck is ana spanakopita
GINA RETURNS!!! HELL YEAH
her quote about not wanting to be defined by what bojack did to her has always stuck with me, and i feel like now, that quote has sort of come true. like, her saying that made us avoid reducing her to what happened to her, and thats why i wanted to see her come back this season, hopefully moving past it. but she can’t. it traumatized her. and everyone can see the effects of it but she feels like she can’t come forward, cause if she does she’ll be punished. shit like that changes you.
and it’s another instance on the show where someone chooses to advance their career & preserve their reputation over doing the right thing (like what bojack does with herb & sharona), but bojack does it out of self-interest, and gina does it so she doesn’t have to relive her trauma every time she gets interviewed or recognized by a fan. but even when she keeps quiet about it she’s still reliving her trauma
noah fence but what a waste of the once-per-season fuck word. youre really gonna use it in an episode IN WHICH BOJACK DOES NOT EVEN APPEAR, and not only that, but RECYCLE AN OLD SENTENCE FROM A PREVIOUS EPISODE
netflix places no limits on a show’s use of the fuck word (i think), so… fingers crossed for something better in the second part?
OH MY GOD PETE REPEAT INTRODUCED HIMSELF AS PETER ITS ALMOST LIKE HES TRYING TO FORGET THAT TIME & THAT PERSON HE WAS (im probably reading into it too much, I’m sure it’s mostly so we wouldn’t figure out who it was immediately. maybe im just like the kid with the coffee cup.)
and just… ppl describe this show as “family guy or the simpsons except the protagonist faces consequences for his actions” but bojack has gotten away with everything.
you ever just like… you ever watch a scene and feel the cliffhanger vibes creeping up and you just know it’s gonna end there and leave you unsatisfied and begging for more but at the same time that’s what makes it such a good place to end it. that was me with this. (and also the ending of undone)
the thing about this show is, it illustrates what it’s like to be a toxic person. and sure, he has it hard, but the show never asserts that he has it any worse than his victims, even if bojack himself does so. and he only does it so he can feel better about himself. he deserves a reckoning, he needs to pay for his bad deeds. but then, when you know what made him this way and what goes on inside his mind and that he wants to get better, it makes you feel for him, and forces you to ask if he deserves to get better and forgive himself and move forward. but even if he does, it doesn’t change the things he did. it doesn’t fix the lives he’s ruined.
anyway sound off if you think bojack’s gonna die at the end. hopefully not by suicide
#long post#bojack horseman#diane nguyen#todd chavez#princess carolyn#mr. peanutbutter#pickles aplenty#pete repeat#bojack horseman season 6 spoilers#doctor champ#sarah lynn#gina cazador#horsin' around#mr. peanutbutter's house#netflix#raphael bob-waksberg#lisa hanawalt#phoebe talks#mine
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I love your hc about kevin being bisexual aromantic and the part about his relationship with thea! I like hows it not just a "they lived happily ever after" situation, it feels more realistic. You also mentioned how you have some ideas for seth? I'd love to hear them!
Yeah! I'm not super into happily ever afters, I men to an extent sure, but for me they're so unrealistic that it pulls me out. I like how in aftg the happily ever after is that neil gets to live and hes with andrew and just has to pay a shit ton of money but we know that doesnt matter to him. Outside of context that doesn't seem very happily ever after, and I like it. It seems achievable and realistic while still romantic.
I think Kevin loves thea and thea loves Kevin, but out of habit and as partners with shared truama more than anything to do with the person themselves. Thea might not even love kevin romantically and he doesn't love her romantically but they don't really know that. And you don't need to know that because you don't need it. They fight and everything and have struggles but don't ever split up imo.
Okay seth ideas:
I have a lot of ideas for seth, I headcanon his mom was Vietnamese and his dad was white. He grew up with a racist dad who instilled toxic masculinity into him especially as an Asian man and then his dad dipped leaving him with insecurity of not being manly enough as well as abandonment issues. His mom worked a lot a lot a lot a lot to keep them afloat, he had a lot of brothers and the hierarchy was enforced with rough housing, the 2 oldest brothers suddenly parents. None of the kids ever got Vietnamese names legally because the dad wouldn't want them to have "funny sounding names" but the mom occasionally called them pet names, seth was hoping after the dad dipped at least their mom would finally be able to teach them more Vietnamese to close the barrier between them, her finally being able to speak in the language she was most comfortable in, but she was too busy and communication was always simple and shallow.
The whole EC deal with seth, the same family who left him giving him bigger abandonment issues etc etc
What seth looks like in my mind:
Obviosly he looks half Vietnamese half white, but he's a skinny lanky guy with a tooth gap he used to stick dumdum lolipop stick in between when he was little, he's got ashy medium brown hair, its dark when grown out but lightens a bit in the sun, he is one of those people with a lot of moles and freckles he got from his father. He used to be the guy who wore fake tapers and skate shoes, basket ball shorts, and a monster energy drink snap back. He starts to just wear tee shirts and jeans and takes out the fake tapers. He's got nobby knees and elbows he bangs on things and he swears everytime.
If Seth Lived:
Him and allison would have broken up a few more times until one really explosive fight and she says "I can't do this anymore" and he says "I know" and she says "I'm not going to leave you" and he says nothing.
She realizes staying friends with your ex was a promise she couldn't quite keep as much as she wanted to. They drift apart. He relapses but this time Kevin finds him. He's out the rest of the season for rehab, getting his degree online and Wymack pleads with them to let him keep scholarship. They cut him off. Wymack pays for what he can before seth can say no, and just drops off a bunch of applications for scholarships and says "I'm not letting you quit." And someone doesn't leave him.
He becomes a social worker. He actually really loves it. He reconnects with 2 out of his ~7 brothers. One of them died and he didn't even know, and he wishes for a second it was him instead, before remembering that they haven't talked in at least 10 years.
He becomes less homophobic but will still say anything to make someone hurt if he hates them, but he becomes less explosive and more worn out. The second hand trauma from being a social worker weighs on him and kne of his coworkers opens up about talking to someone. Their job doesn't cover therapy. He goes to AA and NA meetings. He's not relapsing, but its free therapy and he knows if he feels tempted he could get a sponsor.
He beats the shit out of someone outside one of the meetings who was trying to sell to the people coming out (he runs away and doesn't get caught,)
He goes on a dating website half assed at around 40 years old.
He meets a woman who is also on there half assed. She's very blunt and it reminds him of allison, but she's no frills and they come from the same type of world. He can relate to her and they don't have screaming matches that start with him refusing to take a gift of a 1200 dollar dress shirt when his from Ross is just fine.
5th date in he tells her he's sober and she says "why don't you think we've never gone to a bar?" And he realizes she's sober too.
10th date she says "i know this was fun, but I have a son and I can't be casual anymore. You have to be in or out."
And he thinks about it. And they talk about it. And he says he's in.
Its years of dating until the mom decides its steady enough to meet the son. He's 12 and says "you're not my new dad" and seth laughs, and the kid is confused, because he was trying to say something that would hurt.
His girlfriend becomes his fiance after she gets pregnant, not just because of the baby but because they've been dating for 6 years now and its been serious. Its a miscarriage and its hard, but they get though it.
Seth gets really close with the son even if he came in later into his life, he recognizes a lot of himself in the kid. He's never like a father to the kid, and seth isn't sure he knows what it means to love someone like a son, but he knows its pretty close and he tries to be the opposite of his dad.
They stay lower middle class their whole lives, her working her way up from grocery self stocker job she had at 16 to store manager just over time, him a social worker, in a cheaper town with not a lot to do, but they have a book shelf were they watch movies.
He turns on a game sometimes and quietly thinks to himself "what the fuck" about the one year of college exy he was benched the most possible drama happens. He'll say "I went to college with that kid" and she'll say "who? Scar face? Isn't he like famous or something?" And he'll say "yeah. He is"
She doesn't tell him he has to do anything he doesnt want to do, but she finds out he's been invited to multiple fox reunions where some of the attendees are rich as fuck athletes and says "i want them to pay for my meal" and so they go. They go in their Walmart dress clothes and they don't feel bad, they think rich people are stupid to spend so much when 20$ is enough for a shirt. Their son is in high school and can watch the house by himself.
Seth sticks to Matt, and then remembers that Dan was always more down to earth and his wife loves dan. Doesn't like the others so much besides Wymack and Matt a bit.
Its the only one they go to, but it reminds him to keep up with the man who had helped him out so much and he stays in contact with Wymack. He feels bad for drifting off but they talk. About once every few months, but its more than before.
Okay I'm ending it about here lol
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“Don’t you ever get lonely?” Nicky asked, digging in his pack for a chocolate bar. To their left, the cliff dropped away precipitously, sheer granite cliffs like sentinels at the end of the world.
Neil stared at Nicky. “No,” he said.
“What, never?”
Neil looked out across the sweeping vista of mountains before them. A speck that could have been a hawk or a raven or a sparrow spun against the sky, too small and distant to judge. He’d stood in the middle of busy cities; he’d gone to school with hundreds; he’d even tried out for a track and field team once. He’d been surrounded by people, and he had been so ferociously lonely it had been like a knife in his chest.
“No,” he said, because he didn’t know how to explain—didn’t even want to, really. He’d felt more alone back in the so-called real world than he’d ever felt in the wilderness, miles from any other person. When there was no one around, there was no one to miss.
~~~The Long-Distance Hiker AU (A Bullet Point Fic)~~~
So after Neil’s mom died he kinda of ghosted around for a while and eventually ended up in a small hiking town in California
He met a bunch of thru hikers and figured, hey, my dad probably won’t find me if I’ve fucked off into the wilderness
So he starts hiking
And pretty soon he realizes it’s the best thing he could imagine
He spends all summer in the mountains and when winter rolls around he finds a temporary job in a skiing town working in a second hand gear shop
He’s an ultralighter in the most accidental sense possible
His gear is weird and cobbled together and his shoes are held together with dental floss
He sleeps under a tarp with a down blanket and a thin foam mat and he’ll eat the same shit day in day out without even registering it while he covers frankly obscene distances every single day
It basically gives Kevin an ulcer
Kevin’s an ultralighter, but in the stuck up, rich bitch way; his gear is probably worth thousands of dollars and he’ll lecture anyone who listens about ripstop nylon and is super snobby and elitist about who is a so-called “real” thru hiker (hint: anyone who doesn’t do it his way isn’t a real thru hiker)
(don’t worry he’ll get smacked around a little by people like Dan and stop being such a little bitch about it but he grew up rich so even though it might’ve been shit living with Riko he really doesn’t always take into consideration the context of how much fucking money gear costs when he’s preaching about ultralighting)
(yes I’m taking out my dislike for pretentious rich ultralighters on him, okay, but the difference is he’ll have character growth versus the people I met are probably still being preachy and self-important to this day)
Andrew’s like the exact opposite
His pack weighs like seventy pounds and he’ll pull a six-inch knife (a gross misuse of smart gear weight management) at anyone who comments
He has a completely contained single person tent that’s big enough to sit up in and a four-inch inflatable mattress
His sleeping bag is rated to like -20 even when he’s hiking in the summer
Nicky swears he once saw him pull a full-sized chocolate cake out of his backpack three days down the trail and everyone says that’s stupid and made up but secretly think its totally true
Andrew likes to hike alone but somehow he’s never more than a day away from Aaron and Nicky and when he keeps showing up near them it gets harder and harder to pretend like he doesn’t actually care about them
Nobody says anything, obviously, but Nicky gets a little teary when he starts to notice the pattern
It was Nicky’s idea; in this universe Erik got him into hiking when he was in Germany so he got the cousins into it as a bonding exercise and then it turned out it was the best family activity they had ever found
This is several years after they graduated and they’ve scrounged together enough time and money to hike the Pacific Crest Trail
Now the upperclassmen:
So Stephanie Walker is a trail angel: one of those people who lives near a long trail and provides snacks and rides and somewhere to stay and basically helps out anyone who comes by with whatever’s going on; she’s pulled a lot of people out of frankly dangerous situations and she’s not afraid of anything the trail has to offer
So Renee finds herself and her faith while living this life of meeting new hikers every day and it’s almost inevitable that she starts to hike and find solace in the wilderness
Allison is one of those Wild types: she’s done some hiking (much to her parents’ chagrin) but she’s never done a thru trail or even much overnighting before, but she’s ready to throw herself into it and doesn’t care how dirty she gets
She totally carries a tiny spa package though
The other women are very skeptical because they take pride in being free from societies expectations and make up and shaving but they come around after Allison pulls it out one time when they’re seven days into a ten day section and gives them face masks and they all have a little pedicure pampering session (so, so needed when your feet are being beaten and bruised by hard terrain all day)
She has a lot of new, expensive gear and is super touchy about people trying to help her (because a beautiful woman absolutely gets people trying to “help” all the time and it’s infuriating and condescending) but she learns to accept help from her closest friends
She was showing off near the beginning of the trail drinking with a bunch of guys and probably got too sloshed trying to act tough (alcohol hits you waaaay harder at high elevations dude, if you’re not expecting it you can get Fucked Up really fast)
It’s Seth who realizes things are getting out of control and pulls her out before the guys can do anything shitty which is how their friendship and eventually their relationship gets started
They piss everyone off with their constant breaking up and getting back together on the trail, sometimes hiking together for days and then splitting up and going to hike with other people but they find a lot of healing out there in the woods
Seth’s mom is totally dismissive and condescending of his hiking, she thinks it’s a stupid waste of time, but she thinks everything he does is a stupid waste of time so at least when he’s out there without cell service he has an excuse to not respond to her
Now Dan
Dan’s trailer trash, right
She’s got no fucking cash but she has this dream in her head to hike the PCT and she’s going to fucking well do it
Her gear is probably most similar to Neil’s except where his is a mess of weird priorities and held together by spit and twine
Hers is meticulously planned
It’s cheap, some of it’s over forty years old, but it’s hers
It’s probably the only stuff in the world that’s actually hers
She accumulated it over about four years, hitting all the second-hand gear events, saving up every penny, packing and repacking and writing everything out in great detail until David Wymack got wind of her plans at a gear event
He’s one of those guys who hiked the PCT thirty years ago back before anyone knew what it was except instead of feeling superior about that it means he knows exactly how much impact experiencing the wilderness can have for disenfranchised people
He approaches Dan and offers to sponsor her hike
She’s resistant at first; she planned this hike, she got all the stuff together, she was going to do it without anyone’s help
But he comes back and says he just wants her to write about her experiences and publish it on his website
He’ll pay her for the work, of course
And she wavers and finally caves because this will move her plans up by about two years if she can make money while she’s hiking instead of having to hoard up enough cash to take six whole months off
Her blog posts are a huge hit
She doesn’t preach about how the mountains saved her, or get too metaphorical about hiking or anything like that
She just talks about the real, raw experience of hiking
The friendships, the trials, the triumphs
The infuriating people whose mental image of the hiking community doesn’t include poor black girls who grew up in a trailer park, who say she’s an inspiration like they actually mean something else
She talks about the days that she flies up the mountains and the days that she can barely drag herself out of her tent and the day she realizes that Allison and Renee, these women she thought could not be more different from her, are the best friends she’s ever had in the world
And she’s takes fucking amazing pictures
She’s also very determined not to have a trail romance
That’s stupid and cliché
Look that guy Matt might be hot but she’s not interested
He’s clearly working through some stuff and she’s not here to be some guys savior or whatever
So Matt then
His mom helped him get sober a couple years ago and he’s been struggling with it ever since
She got him into hiking as an outlet and a healthy hobby and he took to it like a fish to water
He’s got legs for days and he doesn’t mind carrying a heavy pack, he can hike for hours without stopping
(The fact that he’s faster than her pisses Dan off a bit, but sometimes you gotta accept that you’ve got short legs and just hike your own hike, there aren’t any prizes for speed)
He relapsed again a couple months before his hike started and he and Randy weren’t even sure if he was going to be able to do it but he’s damned well going to try
So anyway
Pretty much everyone is trying to actually hike the PCT except Neil
He drives everyone bonkers
His motivation isn’t really about the trail so much as staying out in the wilderness where there are no gangsters to murder you
So he just does whatever he wants and keeps showing up at random points
He’s technically got one of the thru hiker permits but he frequently goes off on side trails not on the PCT and ends up hiding out in the woods so rangers won’t find him
He’ll just hitchhike straight through boring sections or anywhere that you pass through too many towns where he’d rather not be remembered
He keeps coming back to the PCT but it’s more like it’s a rough guideline of where to go than an actual route he’s taking
He’s got his natural colouring back because who’s dying their hair or wearing fucking contacts on the trail?
But also
Who would ever associate a runaway mafia kid with a guy with overgrown hair and a stained t-shirt who’s sitting serenely on a mountain pass in a photo on David Wymack’s website?
Nobody
That’s right kids, Nathan doesn’t have a role in this one because he doesn’t find Neil
Maybe he gets killed in a shoot out or something and some other gangster steps up and takes over, and in the shuffle Neil’s just kinda forgotten
Maybe he finds out months later and he just stares at the computer in shock because he should have known, shouldn’t he? He should have felt it when his father died
He should have realized that he was free
That happens later though
Who fucking cares what Riko’s doing honestly
Kevin has somehow attached himself to Andrew and is driving him up the wall with advice to improve his hiking/base weight/distance/etc and he sees this guy (Neil) who regularly covers like thirty or forty miles a day (obscene!) and is like YES this guy is my people!
Except when he starts talking to Neil he realizes he’s this total weirdo who doesn’t even have a cook set he just eats cold food (a common enough thing among ultralighters, but not like this. Oh god, not like this)
Neil’s just sitting there gnawing on a pack of uncooked ramen like a fucking animal
And he’s not! Even! Hiking! Properly!
You’ll never finish the trail if you hike like this!
Neil just gives him a blank look
He’s got no interest on getting on some “verified” list of people who hiked the PCT, he just likes hiking
Andrew likes him
I mean obviously he despises him what the hell is with that janky ass setup but also he’s so unconventional and unapologetic how could Andrew not be into that?
They’re the kind of people who give wilderness rescue personnel grey hair, but for completely opposite reasons
Neil keeps running into them because even though he covers so much ground every day, his meandering route means he doesn’t actually move down the trail very fast
They’ll be like wait weren’t you like a week ahead of us and he’s like oh yeah I heard about this cool waterfall and took a sixty mile side trail to visit it and nearly ran into a momma bear with two cubs, it was awesome
And they all start to grow on him, and each other, almost accidentally
Look none of them are out there romanticizing the trail as some kind of magical place where the problems of the real world disappear and the people are somehow more pure and true or whatever
People are people and they bring their issues wherever they go
But there is a paring down
When your daily concerns are just mileage and shoes and food and weather, a lot of other stuff fades into the background
And well the truth is a lot of people are on those trails to work through stuff
And they find each other
Gradually, without even really noticing
They team up in June, groups of three or four with crampons and ice axes to get over the Sierra’s.
Neil was planning to just do side hikes and wait for the snow to melt—he isn’t so reckless he wants to go over the ice alone, but Kevin insists he join them and for the first time he hikes in a group with Kevin and the cousins all together.
It’s weird
He’s not used to people talking to him when he’s hiking and he frequently doesn’t respond and it’s not because he’s being rude he’s just so focussed on what he’s doing and what’s around him that he literally doesn’t hear them
And then
Nicky slips
It’s not his fault, they did nearly everything right (Kevin may be a pretentious ass, but he does know his shit) but sometimes shit just happens for no reason
And they’re at the edge of the ice sheet so Nicky’s just untying himself from the rope that links them together, he’s not even moving, and the snow beneath him shifts and he doesn’t even have time to scream before he’s hurtling down the snow below the trail towards the cliff at the bottom of the ice sheet
Neil doesn’t even hesitate
He dives after him, ice axe in one hand like a fucking gladiator and gets his arm wrapped around Nicky’s waist
He slams the ice axe into the snow and it drags behind them, and it looks like it’s not going to catch, and the edge is getting closer and closer—
Until the axe catches something, and Nicky and Neil lurch to a halt, clinging to each other, hanging off of Neil’s one arm and the axe.
Neil looks up and sees Andrew, Aaron and Kevin in various places on the slope above them, their axes dug in and long gouge marks in the snow beneath their heels, strung together by a ropeline that’s still attached to Neil’s waist
That rope is probably the only thing that slowed them down enough that Neil could stop them without ripping his arm clean off
It’s hardly a by-the-book rescue, and in fact it was pretty stupid, but they’re okay, they’re okay, that’s all that matters
That night they light a fire down by a lake and Nicky cries on Aaron’s shoulder and Andrew keeps clenching his fists because he’s never felt so helpless in his life and it was Neil that jumped, not him
He knows that he was at the far end of the line and he would’ve made it worse if he had, but doing nothing while Neil risked his life to save Nicky
They don’t really talk about it
But you kind of can’t help being friends after that
And even after they’re out of the high mountains and back on solid trails Neil keeps tabs on them
And Nicky befriends the others and without even meaning to they start to develop a sort of loose trail family vibe
They’re not hiking together all the time like some of the groups they meet, but they check on each other all the time and wait up in resupply villages and bond over firepits and shitty hot chocolate mixes and swap tips on how to keep the butt-chafing at bay
Neil sticks to the outskirts, mostly, but he starts to open up a little, in fits and spurts, tiny non-specific things that wouldn’t even register to most people but that this particular group knows means more than that
He’s slowing down, too, sometimes hiking entire days with people and covering half his usual distance even when there’s no cliffs or glaciers threatening him
He likes hiking with Andrew the most, though
Because neither of them are big talkers when they’re hiking and Andrew’s pack might be absurdly heavy but he’s got legs the size of tree trunks and endurance to match, so he might not be fast but he can outwalk half the people on the trail by sheer relentlessness
They both like to camp up high, near treeline (so Neil can set up his tarp) and in the places that it’s legal they’ll start a small fire and Andrew will loan Neil his pot so he can actually cook his fucking ramen for once and sometimes they’ll watch the Milky Way rise and share secrets under the open sky, not looking at each other so they don’t break the illusion, and sometimes they won’t say anything at all but it’s okay, because they’re saying nothing together.
It’s nice
It’s maybe more than nice
The summer draws to a close and Neil is starting to realize that he doesn’t want it to
He never wants the hiking season to end but this time it’s different
This summer has been perfect
And he knows deep in his bones that once they leave the trail things will change
The others have lives to return to, and Neil…
The trail is all he has
And if he’s barely hiking alone at all these days, well, who’s going to call him out on it?
The others like having him around because he stops them from getting too fixated on the Trail to see the trail
He still takes side trips but now sometimes people will come along and he’ll stand at the base of a canyon staring up at the glossy white walls and Dan will snap a photo for her blog and smile, because the PCT is just a line on a map, but the hike is all of them; together
He’s hiking with Andrew in September when a storm hits, this time vicious
Neil huddles under his tarp in resignation
Storms suck, he always gets wet, no matter how much he lowers the tarp, but he’s used to it; he just waits it out
But it’s just getting worse
Hail lashing at the tarp and pummelling the ground and maybe for once he regrets camping so high up
And Andrew has to shout to be heard but finally Neil realizes he’s offering to let Neil come into his tent
You’re going fucking freeze, just get in here
Neil goes
It’s weird
It’s instantly weird
The tent is not built for two people, so they’re both sitting cross legged with their heads ducked to not press against the roof
The storms probably not going to let up soon, Andrew says
Yeah, Neil says.
Andrew sighs
Lie down, he says, and Neil does, and Andrew lies down next to him, shoulder to shoulder
It barely works, only because neither of them are very big people
Neil’s pack is outside wrapped in his tarp and all he has is his damp down blanket but he’s not cold anymore, not with Andrew bundled up in his ridiculous sleeping bag right next to him
The storm rages for nearly two days and what passes between them in that tent, nobody knows
If they’re barely ever seen apart after it, well. You only see people so often on the trail. It could easily be a coincidence
And if Neil doesn’t even set his tarp up on rainy nights anymore, well. They never camp near other people anyway, so who’s to know?
In early October the snow blows in, blocking the route to the finish.
They drift around a resupply village for almost two weeks, waiting for the trail to reopen, but finally even Kevin accepts that it isn’t going to
After all of that, none of them are going to finish the trail
It’s a disappointment—of course it is. For most of them, the end of their trip is now a nondescript exit into a village, no fanfare, no closure; they didn’t even know they were done for days
Still, it’s not so bad
They’re all together
Allison suggests Vegas, but they all laugh it down; they wouldn’t even know how right now, bearded and hairy and ravenous as they are
They go to South Carolina instead
It’s not really even discussed that they’ll stay together, they just all go; Allison hosts them at her resort and they laugh at the incongruous weirdness of seeing each other in real clothes, and it’s different, but it’s also okay
They stay for another two weeks, and they don’t hike another fucking inch
We should try the Continental Divide Trail sometime, Dan says
Her blog is so popular now that she’s got sponsorships from more than just Wymack waiting for her
She could make a career out of hiking and blogging and doing gear reviews and it’s a dream she’d never even realized she wanted until she had it
And if she accidentally fucked up and ended up with a hot trail boyfriend? Well, nobody’s perfect
And he has a great butt
(she has photos of it on her blog, from when they jumped into a glacier lake naked back in August)
Everyone is jealous
How about that trek in Iceland? Matt suggests
Or the whats-it-called in New Zealand, Allison says
Oh, I bet there’s some good ones in Europe! Nicky says. You guys can all meet Erik!
And it’s going to be different, but it’s not going away, and Neil feels calm in a way he never has at the end of a hiking season before
Eventually everyone has to start making plans to return to their lives, and jobs, and Neil sneaks out to the back of the house to sit in crisp fall air and watch leaves spiral down out of the trees
Andrew follows him
They sit together, watching the moon rise over the hills, and when Andrew asks Neil to come home, Neil says yes
#me? coping with my inability to go hiking by writing headcanons? its more likely than you think!#aftg headcanons#aftg au#andreil#bulletpoint fic#my writing#hiker au#gratuitous descriptions of hiker life#found family#this is like 3.5k idk man#this is very self indulgent lol
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I just finished the final episode of Demi's documentary. I really felt like she was completely honest and put everything on the table. But you know I always have that bit of doubt like is she telling the truth.
That moment where she talked about waking up and not being able to see and not being able to see her sister. And how that was her parents threat to her that she wouldn't be able to see her little sister and in some sick way it came true. That fucking hit hard. Like fuck that is brutal to think about.
While I know Scooter Braun is a controversial manager - he does seem to be the right fit for Demi. I appreciated Demi saying (even though it has nothing to do with me) saying that her old management did do things out of love. I can understand from the management point of view that they had this teenage girl/early 20s who was off the rails and they were scared shitless that they were going to lose her. Whether that was through her eating disorder or it was through her drug addiction. So I can see why they put all these rules in place to try and keep her on track but unfortunately that kind of style just didn't work for Demi and she went the opposite way.
Also I want to find out who this motherfucker was that r*ped Demi when she was 15 coz that was in her Disney days so high chance it is a Disney actor. The fact she said she went to higher-ups about it and they didn't do anything and the guy's movie still came out and he is still getting worked. I wanted her to name and shame him so bad.
I am pleased that she is being honest about the fact she isn't completely sober and she has relapsed since the overdose. I do not like her not being completely sober. I think it is just a stepping stone to needing more. Especially with the alcohol - since that was her stepping stone before she hit the drugs again. I just pray to god she has the right support around her and doesn't take that next step.
Also fuck this Max guy. Like fuck him. He is such a fucking ass.
The moment where she cut her hair. My heart. I am always going to be fan of her long hair but she looked so fucking cute when she got her hair cut. She was feeling herself and I love that for her.
#demi lovato#no one will give two shits about this post#but i just really wanted to share my feelings#i am always going to support demi in some way#she is a huge part of my childhood#so she is always going to hold a special place in my heart
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“This isn't prison break.”parts 1 & 2
Rue runs away for a night from rehab with a bunch of people she doesn't know. They go to a club, do some stupid stuff and adopt a cat.
wrote this and put it on AO3- lnk here- but also updating on here:
PART 1
Rue laughs absently at the other group of "degenerates" as Ali would call them. They are walking along the side of the road towards wherever a kid named Malcolm was leading them. She technically was supposed to be in her small dorm bed asleep and awaiting 4 am check in. But instead here she was being a fellow degenerate who had technically escaped the rehab facility. They all intended on going back to the treatment facility eventually. She hopes Sol would even though it meant they probably would be separated. They all just needed a night of more because everyone was on edge and needed a break. Everyone was aware that the consequences would be getting kicked out or all restrictions taken away. But, fuck it.
Her group of acquaintances, because they were not her friends, was made up of a random assortment of folks. One of which was some guy named Graham who was apparently the older "brother" of Angel. Angel was the only one out of the group besides her roommate who actually knew more than whatever she half assed in group therapy. Which was very little but it was enough to keep them.... interested. Rue shoves her hands in the pockets of a pair of baggy shorts that Angel threw at her in a parking lot after everyone met back up. Their escape plan was a plan but they all booked it through a hole in the fence and through a patch of woods at first. Some person named Bones, who had to at least be a sophomore in college, picked them all up in a hatchback and the Graham who opened a backpack filled with vices.
Rue steered clear of the opiates and went straight for the bottle of Coconut Rum. Even though she could practically hear the pills singing her fucking name. Most of them actually opted to be clean of whatever landed them in rehab but not sober. Not everyone though because Angel was definitely rolling a tiny bit and so were two other people out of the 5 fence jumpers. Including her roommate Sol. Rue just figured the slap on the wrist once they got back would be less harsh without a positive test. The rum was more than enough to stay kind of alert amongst everyone here. All these faces that might leave her dying face down in a ditch if she OD’ed....again.
She wasn't even in here because of an overdose. Just a basic relapse that made her mom's mind up for her and now she was forced into a stupid facility with strangers. They forced her to talk, made sure she ate, but she honestly felt worse being inside than out. It was probably working the 12 steps and quiet therapy sessions but in places she didn't see yet. This right here though the warmth of the air touching her skin as the packed car they'd all tumbled into hurtled through empty streets. Leaning her head back she mumbles along the lyrics while Sol pulls at the worn shirt collar.
"Beep beep go swerving in my, Beep been you want me riding in your...."
Rue sighs feeling sticky lips press against her clavicle and up her neck.
"Beep beep ghost busting in my,
Beep beep you want me riding in your....driving super fast."
Sol was cool people but Rue knew it couldn't be anything more than fooling around. Kissing when no one was watching or either of them came back from a therapy session sobbing. Sometimes Sol sneaking into her bed at night so they could have quickie sex sessions. This wasn't how Rue expected to explore her sexuality that was pretty dormant but it was what she had. It also wasn't with who she had in mind either. Lingering feelings aside the two of them were stuck in a juvenile inpatient program. With the same beds as the ones in college pamphlets, a no shoelace rule, and fuzzy socks ( that Rue secretly loves). This girl was like 3 inches shorter than Rue, dark skinned, neck tattoos and a short cut. Sol had been through so much more shit than Rue and it made her feel ungrateful. Ungrateful because at least she had a hard working mom who still loved her and hadn't abandoned all hope. Other people in the program who took it seriously though told her not to because her life sucked too.
Feeling Sol's lips on hers she kissed her back. She didn't feel anything but it must have felt amazing to Sol who deepened the kiss. The car swerved past what in Rue's mind had to be a pothole. Sol falls away further into her body clutching the fabric of her shirt and accidentally her chest. Rue hears Sol sigh and snaps her eyes open while Sol still kisses her. Rue grabs hold of the handle above the door and sits back up mumbling, what was that. She watches Sol roll her eyes and sit back into the tan seats.
"Oh FUCK," Bones yelled slowing the car down and pulling over. Bones had their black hair slicked all the way back and a cigarette falling out of their mouth. They were odd enough sober and everyone's dd, just a ball of chaotic a.d.d they'd laughed at her earlier as they walked her from the gas station bathroom back to the car. It was a nice gesture because apparently she seemed "kind of uncomfortable," which was true. The urge to escape herself dulled the fear of her mother's true unbridled anger. Or Fez's.
He was really upset when he found out she got a new plug after actually being clean for so long. She turns to look out the back window and sees two green eyes attached to a small grey mound in the road.
"What the....omg a cat omg," Angel is practically bouncing out of the car after pulling out a half eaten filet o fish. Rue watches him in an outfit she felt fit him so much more than the basic t-shirt and sweatpants he wore everyday. His platform sneakers lit up across the black asphalt as he inches closer to the obviously terrified animal. A glitter covered arm wove in front of him with food and Rue leans into the window in anticipation. The only thing that could make Angel seem even more angelic was wings or a halo above his half platinum half silver hair. He honestly seemed like the type to fit right into Jules's friend group. But instead he was the kind creative rave kid who drew her pictures of kandy he'd give her one day.
"Hey um...you ," she feels her shoulder being tapped. "Put this in your lap."
PART 2
"Yes! I love this song," Bones yells back rolling down the windows. The cool autumn air filling the car and the smell of weed being blown out the window.
Her heel is bouncing with a mix of anxiety and anticipation. With one more she could become triple A instead of alcoholics anonymous. She can feel a comfortable softness against her sole. It's from a piece of fabric she keeps stuffed in her sock. Her knee keeps bouncing in place with the sleeping kitten being stroked by Sol in her lap. Her current reality is so much more serene than the one she relives in her head.
Arrival nurses took her hoodie at this new place only letting it stay with her the first night. She was so fucking high on check in that she screamed please don't take my dad please as they explained it to her mom. Her mom who she clung to like they were about to skin her alive. Chest rising and falling quick enough someone said something about a shot. Too high to be cold and distant but not enough for her heart to stop. Just enough to be a paranoid fuck up. Leslie tried to calm her down but it only worked after her mom bargained with them, one night.
One night and then her mom visited the next day to say goodbye. Slipping a gray square in her pocket. It was worn in from a t-shirt that her dad wore in her baby pictures. Leslie hugged her so tight before leaving whispering we love you so much. That was the last time she'd seen her mom and every time she called Leslie said oh rue like her heart was breaking again. So those phone calls were short because her mom crying always fucks her up mentally for a few days. The silent pauses remind her of the little sister who always has faith in her but is turning into someone who doesn't even look at her.
"You okay," Sol whispers and rue nods because when was she ever. Her arm that sol is resting on is cramping but she lets it, not much arm space in this back row anyway. She should have just chosen the trunk with some 16 year old named Zach.
"On the left yesss we made it and on time too," Graham jeers next to Sol.
Rue looks at the dash clock crinoline her brow. "How is almost 1 am on time," she whispers.
Sol chuckles, "It is a club not a house party you knew that right ?" Rue bites the inside of her lip and shakes her head no. Sol puckers a bottom lip and kisses her cheek. Great pity Rue thinks. Sol leans in to whisper to Rue, "Don't worry Graham knows the bouncer. No fakes required."
Rue opens back up the glass bottle in the seat net and lets the clear liquid burn her throat a bit. Out of her realm was an understatement, house parties were something she was used to but never clubs. She didn't even know what kind of club this was but judging from the giant rainbow flag out front, angry repressed frat bros wouldn't be an issue. Which helped the nerves in her stomach unwind. The fur ball on her lap made a noise and she rubbed it through the sweater it's been laid on. Sol said the kitten was probably dumped because there was a tag scar and the kitten was super clean. But was she risking it....no.
Sol takes the bottle from her hand and screws the cap back on. "You gonna dance with me tonight Benny." Sol says as she nudges her shoulder.
"Maybe," Rue shrugs.
" Okay well how about anyone else," Sol grins coyly.
Rue looks away from her and out the window. She's more interested in the brick building as they get closer than someone's hot sweaty body. There's a line to the door with several guards standing with gloved hands and flashlights. " Idk maybe," Rue looks back at Sol who is rolling her eyes.
" Yes she is," Angel yells from the passenger seat. He's checking his makeup in the mirror and winks at rue. Which makes her tuck her hair behind her ear and cough to cover the blush. Angel turns around happily and says, "meee.'
Leaning forward Sol pecks Angel and says, " Bennett your goal tonight is to have fun, dance with someone. He, she, they, who cares, maybe you'll get a lil prison pen pal."
Rue rolls her eyes, that probably wasn't happening but it was about trying new experiences. Treatment was also not prison; it just was not freedom either. Bones pulls past the entrance and swings into the parking lot. Graham is behind them pointing as they follow directions. He's even saying fun facts like this is Knott's which Angel keeps mimicking. Bones slowly moves the car until one guard leans his hand in the window. The guard daps Graham up and they laugh for a second. His name is apparently DJ and he's their in. The only rules are no weapons.
In the parking lot they all get put and Rue notices other cars with clusters of people around them. She shakes her lap free of cigarette ash and cat hair. The cat now named sparkle is being in the trunk with a makeshift bed, a small can of tuna Bones just had and an old bottle lid filled with water. Rue leans down and ties the mismatched dollar store laces on her chucks. They had hot dogs on them which was kind of cute. A tire squeals close by of a car obviously moving way too fast and drunk singing out a window speeds past them. Idiots. Everyone else was finishing a shared bottle or blunt. Leaning against the side of the trunk she feels Sol rest against her arm warming it up.
Rue can hear a steady thump and beat coming from the brick building. It makes her head move which means the music might not be her thing but it'll be tolerable. Graham even said there's another section with actual seats that has a more contained dance floor with pop and hip-hop. Just in case she got overwhelmed by the rave scene and the lights. She doubles over as she laughs at Angel's jokes.
Kid was fucking hilarious, she stands up wiping her eyes and freezes looking in front of her.
#rue bennett#rue euphoria#jules vaughn#jules euphoria#original character#euphoria hbo#euphoria#euphoria fanfiction#euphoria fanfic#my wriitng#fanfiction#club tw#rue#jules#rue x jules
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i’ll help you // part two
PART ONE
pairing: michael weiss x reader
word count: 1508
summary: you and mike have finally achieved having a healthy and loving relationship.
themes: romance, angst
WARNINGS: mentions of drug use and death
taglist: @evanstush, @tanyam93, @bval-1, @wonderwinchester, @patzammit, @rohaintahquil, @deidrashouseofpain, @sammyslonglostshoe, @jadedhillon, @bohemian-barbie, @whysparker, @sebastian-i-stan, @sebabestianstan101, @lille-kattunge, @teller258316, @peach-acid, @allsortsofinterests, @xoxabs88xox, @heyiamthatbitch, @cptn-sgrogers, @heyyouwiththeassbutt, @bangtan-serendipity, @troublermalik, @beardburnsupersoldiers, @hannie-stark, @bookish-shristi, @kind-sober-fullydressed, @whores4thor, @gingerninjaprincess16, @straightforwardly, @denisemarieangelina, @frencchfries, @xlanawriter, @littlemoistcarrot, @pottxrwolff, @arianatheangelworld, @ifuseekamyevans, @southerngracela, @nsfwsebbie, @rororo06, @savemesteeb, @raveviolet
notes: I FINALLY DID THIS!!! get early access to my oneshots on patreon! graphic creds to @thewritingdoll ~
“C’mon, c’mon-- it’s a fuckin’ party, no more work talk. Get outta here with that bullshit. Have a fuckin’ drink, c’mon.”
You rolled your eyes fondly upon hearing your boyfriend’s strong Boston accent, striding up to the bar of the house party and placing a hand on his shoulder, arching a brow. “But none for you, correct?” He scoffed and threw an arm around you, pulling you into his body. “The fuck do I need a drink for when my girl’s way more intoxicating?”
“Smooth.” You replied sarcastically, but couldn’t help but smile as you leaned into his hold.
The past year had been rocky, to say the least. It usually was, recovering from addiction. There were times where you had been frustrated, angry, miserable-- you had even gone as far as to quit your job at Weiss & Danziger because seeing Mike high and fucked up when he consistently promised to quit was too much. The two of you broke up for a good month or so before you gave in, getting back together with him. You loved him. You had to accept that. And you had to be patient.
That didn’t mean the fights stopped. The second you thought he was improving, he’d be taking pills whenever he thought you weren’t looking. You even received concerned messages from his students who had seen him out at clubs or parties. You felt trapped. Besides for the drugs, he was an excellent boyfriend-- truly attentive, observant, and had no issues showing his admiration and love for you. He wouldn’t even look at other women, despite the countless drugged out, barely legal affairs from before showing up at his door. He loved you.
But he was struggling from a disease.
It took his literal death for him to finally, finally understand.
You had been at your parents’ place for the weekend. You needed to get away, being around him was suffocating. The problem with dating a lawyer was that he knew just how to talk. He was manipulative without even trying. It was practically in his DNA; your own bedroom would turn into a goddamn courtroom. And so, understandably, a break was much needed.
He was depressed. Miserable. Terrified of losing you, but too stubborn and too deep into his addiction. You had been sitting at the dinner table when you received a phone call from the hospital informing you that Mike had overdosed and had quite literally been declared dead for three minutes before the paramedics had managed to revive him.
You had rushed to the hospital-- to this day you were unsure how the hell you had made it there in one piece, considering your tears had been blurring your vision the entire time. You burst into the room only to see that he had been crying too, his face pale, his eyes bloodshot, and dark circles extending to his cheeks. The two of you stared at each other for a few moments before the waterworks began again, you screaming and bawling about how worried you were, him apologizing over and over again looking both frustrated and anguished at the same time.
“If you want me to stay, Mike,” you managed to finally sputter through your sobs, “you need to get help.”
And that he did. He was sent to rehab, and there he stayed for three months. For obvious reasons, it was horrible in the beginning. He was sick, angry, lashing out, depressed, suicidal-- but he was getting help, and so you stuck to your promise. You stayed. You were patient, and you were there for him when barely anyone else was. When he was finally released, it felt like a dream. He was finally wholly the man you had fallen for to begin with-- the man you would catch glimpses of those rare moments he wasn’t high, the man who was filled with love and compassion despite sometimes seeming so cold and calculating. Of course, he wasn’t perfect. There were times he was tempted to relapse, but you were there to talk sense into him. There were still fights, but every healthy couple had those. It finally felt like the two of you were in a real functioning relationship, and you could finally be wholeheartedly proud of the man you loved so much.
You convinced him to avoid parties for a while, which was difficult for him- he was an extroverted guy, and one of his ways of unwinding after a long day of work was spending quality time with people. Still, the temptation of alcohol and drugs was far too risky.
Now that it had been four months since he had been released, the two of you were finally out at your first social gathering together in months. And he was doing wonderfully. He was still the same old Mike-- witty, loud, blunt, and a bit of a smart-ass, and you loved all of it.
“You having fun, sweetheart?” he questioned, holding his arm around you as he gestured to the bar with his other hand. “Are you sure you don’t want a drink?” You shook your head with a smile; ever since he had become sober, you had also decided to stop drinking to help encourage him. “I’m good. And yes, I am having fun. It’s been forever since we’ve done this, it feels kinda good being around all these people again,” you remarked as you looked around at your friends. “Mm, it does, but if we’re bein’ perfectly honest I just wanna bring you back home and fuck you into tomorrow.” He replied bluntly, and you blinked before laughing loudly. “Michael! Please, can you be appropriate for at least five seconds?” you jokingly scolded, and he laughed as he pulled you into a rough hug, playfully shaking you around. “It’s all your fault, you’re just so damn pretty all the time I can't help but be aroused! Be ugly for once in your life, huh? That’s all I’m sayin’.”
You laughed as you let him jostle you about, wrapping your arms back around him to return the embrace. “Please. You’ve seen what I look like completely sleep deprived and bawling my eyes out like a little baby. You know perfectly well I’m not always pretty.” You teased- you were expecting some banter in return, just like there usually was with Mike, but instead he pulled back and looked down at you with a more serious expression. “Yeah. I have, and I was the reason for it. And I never, ever want to see it again, baby doll.” You blinked when you saw the sadness in his blue eyes, frowning lightly as you reached up to gently touch his beard. “Hey. I didn’t mean it like that, I was only kidding around. You make me happier and happier everyday, Mike, I’ve never felt so complete with someone. Honestly.”
He barely smiled but you could tell he was still somewhat melancholy. Rehab really had changed him; you noticed the lawyer expressed much more serious, sentimental and heartfelt emotions with you ever since he had been released, but you appreciated this. In the past, he had been a little too rational minded, only thinking of things in straight lines with no gray areas. “I just need you to know I love you.” He mumbled, taking your hands in his. “And I don’t think I could ever stop apologizing for everything I’ve done to you. And even then, a million apologies wouldn’t be enough.”
“But you learned from your mistakes,” you gently reassured him, squeezing his hands, “and you were able to be brave and take the step needed to make our relationship work. I knew I loved you for a reason, Mike, and it’s because of this. You’re resilient and you’re compassionate. You’re a lawyer because you care about standing up for what’s right, and you’re my boyfriend because you care about me.” You leaned upwards to kiss him gently, rubbing his fingers with yours. “So thank you. For working so hard and fighting your addiction. I love you so much.”
When you pulled back, his eyes were already somewhat wet. You smiled, shaking your head to yourself as you reached up to caress his cheek with your thumb. “Hey, mister, don’t you dare fucking cry because you know I will too…”
He chuckled lowly and suddenly pulled you into a tight hug. “Christ, I don’t even know who the fuck I am anymore. Cryin’ at a fuckin’ party like some sorority chick who drank too much Franzia. Why do you even put up with me?”
“Didn’t I just give you that spiel? Gosh, Mike, do you even listen to me?” you joked, though hugged him back just as tight, sighing in content. “Maybe we’re both nearing our limits with the whole party scene, because going back home and cuddling up in bed and watching a movie sounds… way better right now.”
“Agreed.” He scoffed, pulling back though keeping one arm around you as he looked around. “Fuck this place. C’mon baby, let’s head back home.”
#michael weiss x reader#mike weiss x reader#chris evans x reader#chris evans angst#mike weiss imagine
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SheRa/ATLA/SWRebels
(Hoooo boy, this got away from me, but it’s a lot of fun and I couldn’t stop!)
Modern College AU:
Kallus, Zuko, and Catra are friends that are hanging at the local college’s bar. Became friends via a group project in a class and realized they all could be friends that are BAMFs.
Zuko/Aang
Catra/Adora
Kallus/Zeb
How the pairings got together:
ZukoAang
A simple Zuko was the angry loner and Aang tried to friend him at first and lashed out viciously no matter how hard Aang tries to the point Zuko is getting to violently aggressive. After Iroh gets custody of Zuko, since Ozai was declared to be unfit for raising children, the kid ends up doing time out of the toxic idea of what honor is. Gets out and gets himself a good therapist to help him heal from fucked up bullshit that Ozai put him through. Meets Aang again at the university, everything is awkward and strained on Zuko’s side, but Aang... he’s patient. Always so patient and forgiving no matter what. Zuko can’t help but fall in love. Thankfully, Aang has more balls than than Zuko and confesses first, much to Zuko’s absolute surprise. (The boy is DENSE, OKAY.) Panic happens, not because he doesn’t reciprocate, but how can AANG like him?! Cue a month or two of Aang patience®️ being stretched THIN, a therapist being exasperated and just wanting this boy to love another boy wholeheartedly, and then... of Zuko quakenly taking Aang’s hand and saying he doesn’t feel like he’s earned it, but he still wants him. SWEET ROMANCE AND COMMUNICATION THROUGH TOUGH TIMES AND INSECURITIES ON BOTH SIDES.
CatraAdora
Catra is 100000% someone who fell in with the wrong crowd (gang??) that Adora was apart of too. (Both grew up in a foster home of some sort) Adora realizes that this group is fucked up even though they’ve been with them for waaaay too long and bounces with the help of Bow and Glimmer. Tries soooo many times to get Catra to believe it too, but shadow weaver/Prime (w/e) have their claws too deep. Adora, With the help of Prime’s twin brother, Hordak, who got out because of his nerdy science geek girlfriend Entrapta, helped her see she’s better than that...better than the end of that bottle she’s desperate to drink enough so Catra can ignore the abandonment and hatred that fills her every day. Adora keeps fighting and says it’s what she has to do, no matter what. Cue a massive Gang fight that they both barely get out of, bodies bloodied and bruised, but they’re ALIVE. Oh my god they’re alive and Catra can’t help but wheeze out an I love you... of which Adora absolutely cries and hugs the life out of Catra shouting that she loves her too!! A loooong battle uphill with recovery (and how Kallus gets to know Catra better) but it’s worth it. Going to college and loving each other and GETTING TO LIVE THEIR LOVE!
KallusZeb
So, Kallus being the biggest dumbass got stupidly drunk and behind the wheel. Actions have consequences, and sadly that means he hit a car dead on, instantly killing the family inside... Zeb’s entire known family. Nooow, Kallus definitely did time for the drunk driving accident, just not as much as Zeb believed he deserved. Somehow they’re going to the same university/college, and no doubt Zeb is ENRAGED. Kallus on the other hand is finally starting to accept his responsibility for the death of Zeb’s family, and is absolutely ashamed of it of course, but he’s not going to kick himself until he’s nothing but a pile of guilt ridden anxiety (his nightmares do that enough). He’s actively trying to become a counselor or advocate for responsible drinking and driving (something like that). He accepts Zeb’s rage, but won’t cower from it.
Only reason Zeb starts to soften is he one finds out Kallus’ intentions annnnd Thrawn was being an absolute dick at a party to Kallus. (Not sure how far I want to take it... maybe trying to slip something into his drink for date rape or beating the shit out of him or SOMETHING, idk.) ANYWHO, Kallus and Zeb start hanging out and once some massive pining over a year happens, Zeb takes Kallus to meet his family (whether it’s his long lost grandmother and uncle or the family grave, something) ZEB ASKS THE GUY OUT WHICH HAS KALLUS A MESS AND HAPPILY SOBBING YES. ROMANCE WITH PLENTY OF MISCOMMUNICATION AND THEN COMMUNICATION, AND POSSIBLY ALCOHOL RELAPSE AND BREAK UP AND THEN A GET BACK TOGETHER THAT’S EVEN BETTER THAN BEFORE.
Bar Buddies!!
Every time they go to hang out at their local bar, Kallus is the designated sober person all the time since he can’t bring himself to ever drink again after the accident and his rehabilitation incident.
Most of the time it’s nothing but laughs and plenty of stories, but once in a while it’s melancholy and full of comfort for any of them who need it. Who need to know that although they walk with demons, they also walk with friends who care. Often they barely get tipsy, all three of them knowing how dark alcohol can make all of them. But a night like tonight, where a nightmare of a project has yielded amazing results... the future looks a fraction brighter than usual. To them, the celebration is absolutely amazing with loud relief and excitement.
Maybe too much excitement in Kallus’ opinion. Especially once Catra loses her shirt and Zuko starts to sing at the top of his lungs... of which Kallus has NO DESIRE to even try and comprehend the drunken slurring. He isn’t as young as the both of them (five years can really make a difference...). Luckily enough, he has both Adora and Aang in a group chat for occasions such as this.
Zuko is really blushy and cuddly and loves that Aang came in his favorite “hole-y” shirt (think skater top with biiiig arm holes that Zuko gets to stare lovingly at Aang’s side abs) to pick up his boyfriend with their their shepherd dog Appa. Aang just sighs fondly and bids everyone a energetic goodbye as Zuko drapes himself over his bald, tattooed lover heading down the sidewalk.
Catra is LOUD. She doesn’t give two fucks about anyone in here... except for the blonde floof of hair that she’s currently messing up while Adora laughs brightly while carrying her crazy girlfriend out of the bar in a fireman’s hold. Adora has guns and is a massive amount of hot lesbian. Catra keeps saying how much she loves the hair poof of her big buff jock girlfriend SO LOUD. YOU HERE THAT ASSHOLES, SHE GOT HER JOCK AND HER JOCK LOVES HER BACK. Adora snickers saying how much she’s gonna hate herself come the morning.
Kallus isn’t expecting Zeb to be waiting outside of the bar, but softly smiles at his big hunk of a ratty boyfriend. Zeb snorts at the display of younger students and their partners while throwing an arm around Kallus’ shoulders. FOREHEAD KISSES ABOUND! One of Kallus’ hands goes in butt pocket and the other interlaces with the dangling hand off of his shoulder. They walk back to their apartment making comments about the youngins’ and how they’re good people etc etc.
KalluZeb have loving tender sex that night, AangZuko cuddle through the night and have sweet morning sex (even though Zuko does wake up with a hangover, but Aang has a special herbal [DISGUSTING] remedy that never fails) and CatraAdora cuddle through the night as well only to have Catra have a massive hangover and puking her guts out most of the morning, but her big jock girlfriend loves on her allllll day. END.
(I ran out of tags!! I’m so sorry if I missed a cw/tw!!)
#catradora#aangzuko#kalluzeb#she ra reboot#she ra spoilers#hordakentrapta#avatar the last airbender#ATLA#star wars rebels#she ra catra#adora#aang#prince zuko#zuko#agent kallus#alexsandr kallus#garazeb orrelios#zeb#Modern AU#College AU#Fic!#fanfic#crossover#tw drunk driving#tw death mention#tw alcohol addiction#tw manipulation#tw drunk#tw date rape#tw toxic masculinity
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Helvetia Interview: Back to Normal
BY JORDAN MAINZER
On the surface, This Devastating Map sounds like other albums from Jason Albertini’s Helvetia, a mix of short-form and mid-range tracks, its slinky, meandering, spindly pop weirdness mixing nicely with his muted vocals. It also presents like a victory lap for a busy half-decade for Albertini, who had a short run in Built to Spill and saw beloved slowcore band Duster (he is one of 3 members) reunite for shows, a box set, and a new record. But dig a little deeper into the lyrics and titles, and you start to feel the record’s true context. This Devastating Map--a reference to Albertini’s battles with drug addiction and current sobriety, plus quite literally the scars on his body--is a record about finding the clarity in himself once again, getting clean of drugs and mitigating the mental struggles that made him turn there in the first place. And the recording of it, with Steve Gere (also a member of Built to Spill during Albertini’s tenure) and Samantha Stidham, was a therapeutically social process, in contrast to what Albertini normally undertakes in silo for Helvetia records.
Speaking to me from his home in Portland, Albertini opened up about his story of addiction, one which he wasn’t sure he wanted to talk about. He eventually decided to on account of the fact that, according to him, it’s, like it or not, a part of who he was, or is. But he doesn’t take for granted the fact that This Devastating Map came out, nor that he’s been ceaselessly working on new music during the pandemic. Over the last few years, struggling with addiction, he was busy, but not creative. Now, as he says, making music is all he wants to do. “Who knows how many years I’ll feel that this is okay, just hanging out and playing?” he said. Plus, he thinks the next record to come out is the best one he’s ever done. He’s proud of himself again.
Read our conversation below, edited for length and clarity.
Since I Left You: To start: The record was inspired by you getting clean.
Jason Albertini: I dealt with a substance abuse problem. It mainly comes from my foray into trying to clean up my depression. In my late 20′s, I started experimenting with drugs to relieve this part of my personality I couldn’t really explain. It was fairly innocent for a while, but then I did slip off and became a heroin addict for a while. I haven’t really talked about it and wasn’t sure I was really gonna talk about it.
In the last year, I got out of rehab. I went to one rehab for a couple months. It’s weird the way it slipped in: The first time around, it was just a few months that took me down really quick. Then I got off and started playing music again--when I’m loaded, I can’t create anything. I had a relapse, and that one was pretty bad.
It’s kind of hard to explain. It was a real fight. When I was getting off the maintenance drugs, I started recording a lot in my freedom. I stopped taking anything, [still] getting help with ADD. [But] there were all these things that for me bloomed into a serious drug addiction. Adderall, anxiety medication, it all stopped working after a while, and I got really unlucky. Over a year now I’ve got out of rehab, I’ve been doing really well. It was really hard getting off all that maintenance stuff, and it was hard for my mind to start working properly again--not music-wise. The music came right back. But me relating to other people and me dealing with what’s still my insecurities and the bad habits I had to break that aren’t just drug-related. Years of isolating.
That works for music. When I fell off, it wasn’t for a long time, but the reverberation from that I still deal with, even though I am as sober as can be at this point. I don’t do AA, because I’ll drink wine every once in a while. I survived. The music was all dealing with trying to make sense of what happened. At first, I was gonna make it a personal mission to shed light on mental health and what help there is for people that slip into drug addiction, and how much it hijacks people’s brains. I was gonna draw attention to it. The further I got away from it, I was weary of putting myself out there. I had to tell all my friends, and everyone in my world knows. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to really talk about it, but I am, now. A lot of people deal with that stuff. It was really embarrassing for me, to think about how I slipped like that. But it happens to strong people, all kinds of people.
SILY: Was touring with Duster making things more difficult?
JA: What happened was Duster got back together--I was clean at this point, but I had already had my year-long battle with substance abuse between getting let go of Built to Spill and when Duster started, which was a short gap. When Duster played in New York, I was still sober. I got back from there and promptly relapsed really hard. I got clean again for tour, but relapsed again when I got back. Those guys were really patient with me. They tried to hook me up with help. Everyone has to do it for themselves. When that box set got released, I was struggling. I always expected Duster to start up again, but it never would. It finally did, and I felt like I was letting my end of it down. I contributed to the new record--it all happened really quick, at least that’s what it seems like.
I was just getting ready to do a lot of touring with Helvetia, and then COVID happened, so I’m just playing every day, recording, and taking care of myself.
SILY: It seems like as tough and scary as a pandemic is, it has for a lot of people given them an opportunity to mentally reset and pay attention to what makes them feel good, mentally and physically. Do you find that’s the case?
JA: Yeah. I imagine there’s so many people getting back into whatever passions they have, and I think it’s good for that. You always have to make the best of the situation, as impossible as it all seems. With rock shows being a way’s off, and are they gonna come up with a vaccine? If they don’t, it really messes a lot of things up for everybody. The food industry. We’re song and dance people who go out and play shows. We get used to it. It’s a nice break in between recording. It doesn’t seem like that’s gonna be happening for a while. Make the best of it. Getting used to the new way of life.
SILY: Was you getting let go of Built to Spill just because Doug Martsch was trying to rotate the lineup every record?
JA: Yeah. [Drummer Steve Gere] and I came in--Steve plays in Helvetia, too. When we went in together in 2012, I didn’t think it was gonna be something that lasted a long time. We toured a lot, and I really enjoyed that experience. I consider Doug a really good friend. We’ve been through a lot of stuff together. That was really cool, but when he got rid of the other two guitar players during that time, and we got down to a three-piece, I got really stretched out at that point. It wasn’t the Built to Spill I thought people wanted to see. We were about to go to Brazil, and Doug decided he wanted to switch it up. I think he just got bored of it. When Doug went to Brazil, he hooked up with some musicians there who are really cool. I was surprised when we were let go, but that’s just the way he has built up his band, that he can do that. I think it’s best for Built to Spill. I went and saw them when they were in Portland for 4 nights. It was good to see him. It was a really great experience, but until you’ve actually toured 5 months out of the year--that was my dream, being a musician that makes money doing that--but it isn’t the easiest thing ever. There’s a lot of grinding it out. It’s impossible to complain about it, because you’re doing a lot of things that people want to do.
SILY: Do any of the lyrics on This Devastating Map explicitly reference your struggles with addiction?
JA: I start the whole record off talking about getting clean. I don’t want to spell it out, because it’s pretty brutal, but that’s what it is. The whole record is as clear as I wanted it to get. It’s all over it. That came out of the struggle. I would say most songs deal with the repercussions from that. When you’re in recovery, time is so important. Every day you gain sober is really big. You’re waiting to get back to normal, and the songs kind of deal with that waiting. It’s tough. But I can say for sure that after a year, it gets a lot easier. It is possible to get over it, but you really have to have the worst time of your life doing it. It’s so unfortunate that getting into hard drugs is so easy nowadays. It’s a bummer. [laughs]
“Reaktor”, the video that game out, that’s even just me trying to be upbeat. I’m a new person now. Back to normal, able to be a dad.
SILY: Do you regularly listen to this record?
JA: I listened to it a bunch while I was making it. I struggled with the order of the songs, and which songs to keep, and I changed it a few times after we mastered it. When I was done with it and finally sent it off, I stopped listening to it. I’m a couple records down the road. But I’m really proud of it. I’m proud of myself for getting my shit back together. That was one of the biggest drawbacks of dealing with addiction--my creativity fucking sucked. I could sit there and try all I want, but I couldn’t finish. Finally getting back to normal, I’m keeping that going. I’m recording as much as I can. I’m 45, man. This is the life that I chose. I never really grew up. I’m still a young person in the head. In hindsight, I think it changed a lot of things, but that’s just hindsight. I’m really lucky: I have good friends, people that encouraged me to be the best person I can be, and I’m not complaining. It was a struggle, and I feel bad for anyone else going through this.
SILY: What inspired the phrase “this devastating map?”
JA: It’s as simple as the songs together tell the story of my addiction and my recovery, and also just the scars on my body. It’s way more hardcore than I want it to be, but that’s the way it is.
SILY: There’s a certain realness to the record. Are you always singing from your point of view?
JA: No, I’ll inhabit any personality I can think of. A lot of times, I’ll refer to myself in the third person. That’s the thing: This record is more autobiographical than other records, but usually, I have a relationship with my past catalog. I always wonder, “How many records are you gonna make with what you have to offer?” I rework old ideas and do things over and over and wait for better results. A lot of the lyrics are tongue-in-cheek. A lot of what’s lost is the sense of humor. The reason I didn’t give you lyrics is because what you imagine what’s being said is more appropriate than what I actually wrote. When I listen to music, I make it my own. That’s what’s great about music. You put it out there, and other people make it their own. This record, there’s a lot of “me” in it.
SILY: To me, a song like “Love Me” seems pretty strong and direct.
JA: I’m a people pleaser...I’m looking for love, even though it’s not that simple all the time. I’ve never written a song that even talks about love, so that was tough for me to actually put that on the record. Every band I like talks about love, but it’s the most basic aspect of my personality: wanting to be accepted.
SILY: Can you tell me about “Castle Rock”?
JA: [laughs] I was digging through some old 4-track stuff, looking for sound collage things. I found the nucleus of that. That song, in my mind, was a triumphant thing. What’s another thing bands write about? How they’re gonna rock your face off. It’s kind of a joke, like, “Storm the castle! I’m gonna get my shit together!” That song was cool because I just like the way the breaks worked out. The drum machine. It’s a little more nonsensical. A “We Will Rock You” kind of thing.
SILY: It definitely provides some levity.
JA: I can’t talk about how much you suck or shit sucks [all the time]. Sometimes, it’s just songwriting 101...I’m not that great at it. [laughs]
SILY: Making an album inspired by a difficult and emotional period in your life, did that find its way into the recording process? You recorded it with other people who knew what you were going through.
JA: Duster, we were kind of a band that recorded with each other, but it started off as everyone doing their own and putting it on the record. Helvetia I’ve always done by myself. It’s by definition a vanity project. Everything’s done exactly how I want it to be done, and it satisfies all my pop urges, stuff I wouldn’t be able to get away with with Duster. Steve’s the guy who put me into rehab. I play with him regularly, but music for the most of the time is a solitary thing. I do like the process of playing with people, but for this project I don’t do that. So the recording was by far the least stressful part of this. It was really therapeutic for me. Every day, get ideas down. Making records to me is really entertaining. Whittling away at it until it’s cohesive.
SILY: What’s the inspiration behind the album art?
JA: My friend Creighton Barrett from Band of Horses, we were in the same friends group in Seattle in the early 2000′s. We just kept in touch, and he posted a poster he made on Instagram. Before this record was finalized, I thought it was gonna be really heavy, so I wanted some artwork that was more playful. So that’s Creighton’s artwork.
SILY: Do you have any idea how you might adapt these songs live, when the time comes?
JA: This record, we’re playing 3 songs from it...this one doesn’t have the easiest songs to play, so I decided to work within the confines of regular tuning and have a new record come out after this. That’s the problem: When you’re recording a lot, you’re a couple records ahead of where the releases are. I don’t think about this record at all. I started thinking about it again when it was announced, and it’s not that I don’t love it, but I’m not gonna play a lot of songs from it. Maybe that’ll change. I have to think about how they’re gonna come across live. There’s a new set of songs that’s gonna be more fun live. I don’t know how a lot of this stuff translates. I think some people like the meandering, soft rocker stuff. I’m not worried about playing this record.
SILY: Were you thinking about doing a live stream?
JA: Not for Helvetia. We did a Duster thing where we all did a cover of a Duster song in isolation, and it was cool, but I have yet to watch a performance of someone at home. Well, I watched Doug Martsch do his Daniel Johnston songs, and that was cool, but I wouldn’t want to do it by myself, and I can’t get my band to hang out with me, since we’re worried we’ll get each other sick and die. I don’t want to play a backing track. I don’t think the world needs me performing by myself right now.
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#helvetia#joyful noise#jason albertini#steve gere#samantha stidham#this devastating map#built to spill#duster#add#covid-19#covid-19 pandemic#coronavirus#coronavirus pandemic#doug martsch#creighton barrett#band of horses#daniel johnston#Interviews
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Home | L. Crain
Pairing : Luke x Reader
Timeframe : Season One
Summary : I am home. I am home. Now to climb.
“There’s someone at the door,” Nellie whispered to me, prompting me to excuse myself from the dinner table and open my front door.
“Hey baby.”
It was Luke. Dressed in nothing but a pair of baggy jeans and a stained oversized hoodie. Before my blood could reach its boiling point, I take a step outside and close the door behind me.
If looks could kill, my boyfriend would be out cold.
“Are you fucking high right now?” I whispered angrily, not wanting to cause suspicion amongst the guests inside.
It was my birthday, and I had invited all of my family members, as well as the Crain siblings to my house for a celebration. The dinner was set to begin at 7, but it was 9:30 and my boyfriend, Luke, had only just arrived, with bloodshot eyes and slurred speech.
“Y/n, I’m sorry,” he cried, trying to grasp my hands, making me move away from him. “I’m so sorry I just... It’s just so hard, and I was-”
“One night, Luke.” It hurt me so much to be angry at him, but I couldn’t keep enabling his addiction. “I needed you to show up for just this one night, Luke, and you decided to go and get fucking high?!”
“I’m so sorry, baby-”
“It’s my fucking birthday,” I state exasperatedly. “This was supposed to be a good day for me, yet I have had to sit in that room, for more than two hours, and defend you in front of my family. I was worried to death about you, Luke. And the worst part is, is that this isn’t the first time.”
“Babe, I’m so sorry,” Luke weeped, closing the gap between us. “I promise you I will make it up to you. Y/n, look at me, I promise I’ll-”
“No,” I cried, shaking my head. “I’m tired, Luke. I’m just... really really tired of doing this, and I- I don’t wanna keep doing this anymore. I think we should break up.”
His eyes grew twice in size, and I could have sworn he sobered up in just a matter of seconds. It was finally beginning to hit him that I was deadly serious.
“W-What?” Luke stammered. “No... No, c’mon, Y/n, don’t do this. I’m gonna get help. Baby, I promise you I will get help.”
I wanted to believe him. I really really did. But I had gone through this cycle with Luke enough times to know that this wasn’t gonna be any different. That if I stayed with him, it would only be a matter of time before he relapses again.
“No, I’m done,” I whispered shakily. Even I couldn’t believe what I was saying, but I knew better than to stop now. “Whenever you need me, I’m always there, Luke. Always. So, I’m done... with being in a relationship where I give so much of myself, but always end up empty handed at the end of the day I-”
My voice breaks, and I let out a sob. Luke reaches out to comfort me, but I back away an shake my head. Looking at him one last time, I muster up enough courage to speak once more.
“Go home, Luke.”
I needed to stand my ground
“But,” he began, staring at his feet sheepishly. “But, you’re my home.”
I needed to stand my ground.
As I make my way back inside, I turn to close the door. He remains standing where he was, hands in his pocket, eyes yearning for my attention.
Not this time.
“Goodbye, Luke.”
*
When Steven called me to tell me that Nellie had committed suicide, all memory I had of Luke and I falling out disappeared. Regardless of where I stood with her twin brother, Nellie was nothing if not everything I wanted and needed in a friend.
It broke my heart to know that she was gone. And that I never got to say goodbye.
“Y/n,” Steven greeted me, hugging me briefly after I entered the funeral home. “Thank you for coming. I’m really glad you could make it.”
“Of course,” I murmured, before looking down the aisle where Nellie’s casket was placed, and where her body was rested. “I can’t believe she’s really gone.”
And I really couldn’t.
It felt like
“I can’t either.”
My train of though is disrupted by the sound of a familiar voice. One I hadn’t heard in long while. It was Luke.
“I’ll give you guys some space,” Steven says, before leaving Luke and I alone to assist Shirley with handing out the funeral programs.
It felt strange to be standing in front of Luke, after so long, with so much to say but no strength to say it. I couldn’t even look him in the eye until he finally broke the silence.
“Can we sit?” He pointed to two empty seats across the room but kept his eyes fixated on mine. “And talk... about everything?”
I nod, and the two of us sit in silence. This time, I am the first to speak.
“How are you doing, Luke?”
I knew that often times, in the midst of all the conflicts that took place between him and his siblings, Luke was often disregarded. Losing someone important to you was hard to say the very least, but losing a twin was an unimaginable type of torture.
“Better... now that you’re here.” He smiled at me, which made my heart skip a beat. Even in the most tragic of situations, he still knew how to make me weak. “I’ve been clean for 90 days now, you know?”
“Yeah?” I smiled. “That’s great, Luke. I’m really happy for you.”
“I’m also really sorry... about what happened at your birthday.”
“... I know you are.”
“And I wanna make things right between us,” he explained, taking hold of my hands. This time, I don’t move away but instead shift closer. “Because losing Nellie made me realise how much I’ve been hurting the people who... who’ve done nothing but love and support me when I needed them to.”
I was with Luke for over three years, and watched him go through and endless cycle over and over again. The way he spoke to me, and the warmth in his hands reassured me that this time was different. That he really did get better.
“Do you remember what I said to you that night?”
I think about it for a moment, but shake my head.
“You’re my home, Y/n.” He states it like it is a fact. An unchanging, concrete fact. “And I’ve missed you so much.”
“You’re my home too,” I murmur, shifting closer Luke.
“Does that mean...?”
I nod, and return a smile.
Luke leans closer and kisses me softly on the lips. I missed him more than I initially thought. I missed us. As I pull away, I look him in the eye with a semi-serious expression.
“But... you can’t do what you did before,” I said, placing my hands back on top of his. I didn't want to ruin the moment, but I needed reassurance before I could let him back into my life. “I love you, Luke, but I’m not gonna stay with you if you go back to your old ways. I can’t do that anymore.”
“I know,” Luke nodded understandingly. “And I won’t.”
He stares intently into my eyes, and I know that he is telling the truth. So I smile, and rest my head on his shoulder, the same way I would before.
I am home. I am home. Now to climb.
#Luke crain#Luke crain imagine#Luke crain x reader#Luke crain imagines#Luke crain oneshot#haunting of hill. house#haunting of hill house imagine#thohh imagine#the haunting of hill house#imagine#imagines#one shot#one shots#fanfiction#fandom#fanfic#Fandoms#fanfictions#fic#masterlists#masterlist
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Review: 3x16 - Stay With Me
How are all of Clary's plans somehow always complete and utter bullshit?? She is not stupid, but every single time you ask her to figure out a solution for something, she comes up with the worst possible idea. It's... kind of amazing. “Hey, let's summon Lilith. You know, the woman who made you kill your grandmother and all those innocent mundies!”...
I've been really tired of the way they ignore Jace – and Jace's trauma – this half-season but honestly, this episode just takes the cake. “Sure, let's face the woman who did all of this to you and let's not give you any reaction to that at all”... Fuck you. Fuck you so hard. It's now all about Clary, huh, Jace is really just her prop now. Let him deal with shit too instead of acting like he should just go and support Clary through hers! Last half-season was doing so well at letting Dom emote and having Jace react to traumatic things and show how much they affect him. This half-season just has not even half a fuck to give about Jace as a character. Congratulations, you are now officially demoted to only being half of C/ace.
On that note: I have grown tired of Clary's special runes. They're the singularly laziest deus ex machina I have ever seen in any medium. She can literally just do whatever she needs to do. If there is a hard task, something they couldn't do – oh, never mind, Clary will just get a super special convenient rune that does exactly the thing they need to do at the moment! No need to actually come up with a proper solution to the problem!
Gods, I love Catarina. I love Catarina a lot. I wish we would get more Catarina. But her telling Alec to calm the fuck down – because he is not just Magnus' boyfriend, he is also the head of the Institute and can't just go and threaten the High Warlock of Brooklyn.
Oh look, Meliorn. Another character I wish we would be seeing more often. Seriously, he is not a “character”, he is literally just “we need a Seelie with a speaking role”... like... damn.
It is insanely creepy that the queen, who has been a little child for most her run now, immediately slips into “age-appropriate hot adult woman” when Jonathan comes around. Like, seriously. If they would have had her just change shape before, as in not having the kid in this half-season at all, it would have been far less creepy. Because all I can now think of is the little girl who played her last. This is weird. On multiple levels, honestly.
Luke too deserves better. And while they pretend that he is a main character, let's be really real he has never actually been a main character. He was always at the sidelines, none of his plotlines were ever fully developed. And now he's just... in prison. I thought the praetor was a good thing but that hella shady deal in the end was more of a “Hnnng. What shady shit are they going to be?”...
“Maia is where she should be, with Jordan at the praetor”... how did you think that was in any way or shape a good sentence for Simon to say? Like, at all?? I mean, seriously, not even two weeks ago Simon was ready to tear Jordan apart for what had gone down between Maia and Jordan and then Maia left because of Jordan and now suddenly Simon thinks that being with the guy who put her through so much pain is exactly where she should be...? Were the writers thinking at all...?
And oh, Simon - “It wasn't easy” - what about the mark-removal wasn't easy? It literally took five fucking minutes and the only special thing you needed was the stone that Cain had given to you. And then some additional blood. Seriously, even if Izzy hadn't been there in person, getting a bag of Shadowhunter blood would not have been hard. Removing the mark had been remarkably easy.
Also, on that note: I absolutely love how addiction only sets in when it's convenient to the story. When they needed to make Isabelle suffer. Simon feeding on Jace? Not any kind of effect on either of them. Simon feeding on Isabelle? Gave her the munchies but somehow didn't throw her right back into it – which it should have. For all intends and purposes. She had been sober for like three weeks at this point. Not even a whole month. An addict who gets a shot again after such a short time of sobriety wouldn't just brush that off as easily as Isabelle. But right now, the addiction plotline is not convenient for the story so they are just not going to do it. And just, overall: Fuck you.
Jonathan is such a poor fucking bastard. I mean, seriously. His biological mother was ready to instant-murder him without getting to know him (even though she aimed her arrows at the wrong JC), his father abused him for ten years and then literally tossed him to hell and his other mother burned his skin off and did who knows what to him down there.
Wow. You so dramatic, Shadowhunters. Better ways to restrain Jonathan: Tie him to a bed. Not hang him from the ceiling like a fucking puppet. What the actual fuck. How does he eat, drink and go to the toilet like that? How is this practical? It's really just dramatic.
The TL;DR of it all:
Clary, stop coming up with bullshit plans
LET JACE DEAL WITH HIS TRAUMA YOU ABSOLUTE ASSHATS
give justice to characters beside the main six, like, seriously
actually also give justice to the main characters. Simon and Isabelle and their plotlines are just pushed aside so much. “Removed the mark of Cain in five minutes flat!” - “Did not relapse even for a little while after Si fed on me!”
I'm really, really tired, ya know
#Shadowhunters#Shadowhunters Spoilers#Phimmy Watching Shadowhunters#I MISS MY KIMMYCUP#next week again?? ;-;
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Hey guys. I’m Hannah.
I am an Alcoholic and an Addict. Both Alcoholic and Addict are capitalized because I look at my addiction and alcoholism as an asset to my life rather than an expense.
Here is my journey:
I know exactly where and when my disease started. It was 2010 and I was 16 years old. Some junior girls invited me to a sleepover with them. My friend and I have never drank before, so we thought this was going to be the perfect occasion, somewhere we were safe and somewhere we couldn’t get caught,...and if we did get caught by our parents, we wouldn’t actually get into any trouble other than a lecture or a very intense hangover. So, we all sat in a circle with two water bottles one filled with strawberry vodka and one filled with orange vodka. They taught and demonstrated how to take a “shot.”
Step 1) Put a little bit of koolaid in your mouth
Step 2) Drink the vodka
Step 3) Chug the rest of the koolaid
After I took that drink I remember my lips went numb along with my teeth. I thought this was crazy and I loved every feeling of it. We each had about 3 shots and within the hour we all were laughing and had a pretty good buzz going on. Things kept coming in and out for me. One minute I would be upstairs and the next I was downstairs trying to take more shots with my friend Jo. I finished the bottles and passed out in my own throw up.
The next day when I woke up I was filled with shame and guilt because this poor girl had to clean up after me all night. I was mortified and embarrassed I couldn’t hang like the rest of them. Also, I felt like shit.
Of course, I never would have known at that point in time that my brain functions differently than other peoples brain. In my 16 year old head I never thought I could be an alcoholic just by that one time.
I moved away from home for my first time and tried out college. I made up this huge bullshit story to my doctor about how I needed adderall to help me focus better in school. That was all I had to say and BOOM wish granted. The world in my hands. I could do so much more and actually enjoy anything I was doing while on it. About a month after I had gotten that script I dropped out of school and found a passion in the food service industry. Where I moved up fast. I Became a bartender and then moved up to management by the time I was 21. I was working long hours, close-open shifts. My tolerance with adderall built up. And I needed more and more to make it through the day. Eventually, my script lasted less than a week and that is when I started spending hundreds of dollars on adderall a month. When I didn’t have the money and couldn’t take it, I became a completely different person. I was irritable and lazy, always tired and pretty much careless.
I remember thinking out loud one day to a friend about how much money I am spending on it and how I felt like I didn’t have any passion or care about anything when I was on it. But I didn’t think that was a stopping point I just wanted it to go back to how it used to be where I could take one per day and go to sleep at night without having to feel wired.
About a year of being an assistant manager, I was often tardy for my shifts. My best friend in the whole world fired me. It was something I needed. I needed to get out of the industry and move back home with my mom and save up some money. So that is what I tried to do. I stopped calling my doctor for the adderall because I knew it was killing me. That was when I started picking up pints of vodka. One day I had missed work because I got too fucked up during the day and passed out. I woke up to my mom screaming at me. So I got in my car and was on my way to my aunts. On the way I was hit by a huge SUV. I was still drunk and didn’t have my seat belt on and passed out in the car for a few minutes. When I woke up there were so many lights, firetrucks, an ambulance. My head was gushing blood. At my window there was the couple who were in the other car. I started screaming and crying and they were the sweetest couple ever. They hugged me and asked if they could pray with me. So we prayed. I was off in the ambulance next and asked them to take me to Mercy Health hospital because there must be some God there waiting for me. That happened to be the nurse who clearly knew what had happened but refused to do any blood work on me that could check my BAC. She was an angel and stitched up my head with no judgement whatsoever.
My next brilliant idea was to move to Detroit with my cousin, Jewell. Find a new scenery away from everything kinda like a fresh start for me. I was doing pretty good there. I didn’t have very much money to drink and no adderall. I found a good job at the airport. Then started bartending again and suddenly had good meeting so I started drinking more and more. Started buying pints every night to just chill and have a little fun and something to look forward to. Never really thought it was a big deal, but I never told my cousin about it either because she would be all weird and try to tell me I shouldn’t be drinking so much and watching my every move. So it was my little secret. Work was going well. Longer shifts were getting more difficult to me and I couldn’t understand why. I started getting really dizzy and felt like I was going to faint. My hands would shake and I was sweat profusely. I thought I had vertigo or something like that. Not once did I blame it on the alcohol.
The year went by and I moved out. My car broke down. Back at home with my mom and my brother. Drinking a lot. Having mental breakdowns often. Haunting dreams. That brought me to Pine Rest where I was an impatient for mental illness and drug abuse. I went into this facility thinking “its unrealistic I am never going to have a drink again.” That kind of attitude. When I left there I felt so good for the first time in a while.
About a month later I got wasted while working. I was taking xanax and sneaking shots while I was working. I got sent home. Probably fired. I drove and smashed my brand new 2015 honda civic into a parked car. Tried to start my car and get away. But my car was too smart and notified the police. I blew .31 and was still functional (kinda) So i went to Jail, and I tried every kind of way to get out. That includes faking a seizure and scratching so hard my wrists would bleed. Obviously, that didn’t work. I was too embarrassed and did not want to face my guilt and shame to call someone, so I didn’t. ohhhhh but they found me. and brought the whole litter to pick me up. (aunts cousins niece brother mom) I was offered to go to rehab that day and I told them that jail was rehab enough,
One month after that incident I was on my way back from Detroit I was feeling really sad and depressed and I had a lot of thoughts about suicide in my head. I was drinking the whole way back and made the selfish decision to speed up and hit a semi going 85 mph on the freeway. I didnt know what the plan was in that moment, I didn’t know if I actually wanted to die or just wanted a scare. It was so selfish and I cannot believe I would ever put other people at risk. I am so ashamed to this day. The cop asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital or get breathalyzed. I choose the hospital. my BAC was 5X over the legal limit. and when my aunt and my mom showed up I cried and told them I was ready to go to rehab and I needed help. The next day I was checked into Brighton rehab center for two weeks.
Rehab was amazing. It is not a bad place to be. Its a safe and comfortable place to share your emotions and to withdraw without any judgement. I made life long friends and learned so much about recovery there.
Right after that trip I continued going to my SMART Recovery meetings and had just moved into a sober living house. I was doing really well I had gotten a job, learned how the bus system works. I learned so damn much in that month of being there. But another Relapse happened. It was a 4 day relapse. This time I was DONE.
I made my second trip to Brighton rehab center for two weeks. I knew this was not enough, After that, I admitted myself into the Sanford house for 44 days of rehab. I was doing well and I was nervous about leaving because I would actually have to start connecting with people at meetings etc. I really wanted to give AA a try so i started attending meetings. I found a sponsor right away who is truly amazing. She has taught me so much and guided me through the steps. I started going to YPAA meetings and connecting with young people in recovery. I have made so many life long friends through all of this. I had finally found a hope that I never thought could exist. I know that this is still early recovery and some people might say it’s my “pink cloud” but I have seen so much God in my life right now. Finally, I feel free and I feel actual Joy and contentment.
Being an Alcoholic and an Addict is an asset to my life. Because without this disease I would not be the strong and hopeful woman I am today, It is so amazing to be able to say I am Proud of me.
Long post. Thanks for reading. If you or anyone you know are struggling with addiction and need some support or an ear. PLEASE do not hesitate to contact in my messages on here.
Thanks again for reading.
KEEP COMING BACK
IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT
AND IT SUCKS IF YOU DONT
ONE DAY AT A TIME
#sober#sobriety#drunk#alcohol#alcohlism#addict#life#alcoholics anonymous#onedayatatime#justfortoday#recovery#story#hope#sponsor#12steps#smart recovery
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Year One | Self-Para
[mentioning @adrianwesterfeld @genevieve-young @dovemitchell @warrenhutchinsoniii @yourluckyray @tessa-lisbon @wyattsaugis @jakelevenstein]
“Cassandra? Would you like to come up and say a few words?”
Cass hesitated, still a bit in shock as she stared at the chip they had just handed her. She felt one of her sponsors pat her shoulder, whisper that she could do it before she remembered exactly where she was and she got to her feet. There was nervous energy building in her stomach as she got to the front of the room and took in the people around her. She could feel Ray’s proud smile from the other end of the room, wanting to joke that he was two minutes short of breaking out a video camera like a proud dad. Though he’d have to fight Warren for it who’s wide smile could easily give it a run for it’s money. She was so grateful for them, for their little sober pow wows and all the time she had leaned on the two of them when she wasn’t feeling her best.
She glanced at the seat Tessa would usually be in and her smile faltered slightly, having wished she could share this moment with her too. She hadn’t yet visited her but maybe getting this chip, and feeling like celebrating would give her the push she needed to reach out and see if it was okay to visit her. They had spent the weeks before her accident talking about it and there was part of it that didn’t feel the same but she knew Tessa wouldn’t have anyone fretting over her in such a prideful moment.
“Wow,” were the first words out of her mouth as she stood up there, still flipping over the chip in her hand. “A whole year, you know that’s like..365 days,”s he continued and let out another laugh, looking at Ray and Warren who were nodding before she took a deep breath and continued. “You know, all this week I was thinking about what this means to me. A whole year without drugs, without alcohol, a whole year of finding new coping mechanisms, of learning how to get through without getting fucked up. A whole year of finding my passions again, of mending bridges, going through each step to make sure I was where I needed to be.” She paused again and ran her thumb over the ridges of the chip as she thought back on the past year.
“I relapsed about...four months after getting out of rehab. I was scared and lost and I thought, wow I’m such a failure. I can’t even make it a few months in the real world. You know rehab was really the first place that I just got to be who I wanted which is crazy, right? I’m not trying to romanticize it but it was the first time in my life that I felt really, truly, physically alone. And it gave me the time to think about the kind of person I wanted to be and I really struggled with that when I got out. I struggled with getting up everyday and pushing back against the person I used to be. And I saw her everywhere, you know? At all the places I used to go, at school, I saw the girl who I didnt’ want to become again. I still do. I see her everyday. But it’s gotten easier,” she admitted and took a breath. “I wouldn’t say it’s easy at all, I think we all know that every day is a choice, right? Eventually it gets better and better by time but it’s always there, lingering somewhere. And I’ve only gotten through a year that’s..there’s so much time to go.”
Cassandra took a breath, realizing she was rambling a bit and looked around the room again. “I guess what I’ve learned the most this year is how to lean on others better, to be a little more guarded but also not close myself off to the possibility of goodness. In the past year I re-connected with my two best friends who continue to be the best people in the world. I mean Adrian he’s just...goodness and light personified, he helps keep me afloat whether it’s with his hugs or with our playlists or late nights at McDonalds. He’s always there. Always. And Genevieve well, she’s just like..another piece of my soul, you know? She saved me and she still saves me every day just by existing and letting me exist with her. I reconnected with my Mom, and now every Friday we get lunch and go shopping and she’s even came to a party to see me DJ. I get to DJ! How cool is that? I’m booking parties and doing what I love and getting to listen to music all the time. I turned down Harvard and stayed at Ravenwood and have not regretted it since. I help write a comic book with two of the nerdiest and sweetest guys who have helped me remember all the little quirky and nerdy things about myself I tried so hard to hide It’s fun and I love it. You should definitely check it out if you get the chance. And I fell in love, which was probably one of the scariest things about this year,” she admitted with another laugh, getting more excited by the second to show the chip to Dove later. “I met someone who helped me trust again, who helped me see myself in a better light, who loves me like really, truly, loves me and I’m still in awe of it every day. But I love her, I love her a lot and I’m really grateful that she has taken the time to understand what I need, to even stay sober herself for some time which she just did and I..still get emotional about it,” she admitted and took in a deep breath to keep herself from tearing up.
“You all know I can talk and talk but I guess the number one lesson from all of this is that you don’t have to let things define you which seems like common sense but I think we all know that just because it’s common sense, it doesn’t mean we’ll listen, right?” She let out a soft laugh and reached up to rub at her nose. “But really, I mean, I am definitely not the person I was at the start of this year and I was so caught up in my past, I still am, but more and more I’m remembering just all that I’ve done and all the good that Im doing for myself and others now. That I can be the person I wanted to be. I can do the things that make me happy and stay sober. I can get better at being honest with my friends and making more time to do the things I love. But I realize now that I can’t do it alone. And leaning on people has been hard but I’m getting better at it. Much better at it. So I’m just grateful. For having good people and for being able to get another chance, because not everyone does.”
“So..yeah, I guess that’s it,” she said with a laugh and held up the chip so everyone could clap. She happily left the front of the room to hug both Ray and Warren, laughing as they all jumped around a bit and she held them tight. She had done this, she had made it and if she could make it this far then she knew she could keep going forward, living the life she was always meant to but never dreamed was possible.
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Demi Lovato’s Overdose
Okay, first of all I wanna say that I don’t know what happened last Tuesday. We all don’t know what happened exactly, and all I’m going to say in this post is MY OPINION and is all PURE SPECULATION. I could be right, I could be completely wrong. All I know is that all the hate and the media, that's probably mostly false, are annoying and it fucks me up that it even goes this far.
So, let’s get into it all. What are the “facts” we have so far?
1. Last Tuesday, June 24th, Demi was found unconscious in her house in LA. As far as we know, Demi was found at around noon and she was alone. Apparently, she was out celebrating her dancer Dani Vitale’s birthday (I’ll get to her and the other dancers later) the night before (which we do have this video off as the only evidence) and then headed home and had a party at her house as well.
2. At first, TMZ reported that Demi overdosed on heroin, which was later reported to be false. What substance was found in her blood is unclear at this moment. Apparently, paramedics gave her narcan when they arrived and took her to the hospital. At this point, all we know is that she’s still there and dealing with her withdrawal.
3. Later that day, after hours of worrying and being scared it was reported from her rep that she’s awake, stable and responsive.
4. It’s been reported that the last few months or weeks (we don’t know the real timeline here) Demi has been struggling with her addiction again and relapsed on various occasions.
Here is what I think about this all:
When this tour started, she seemed to be in a fantastic place. She was happy, bubbly, celebrated her sixth year of sobriety and nothing pointed towards a possible downward spiral, at least not at the time. The only thing that, looking back on it now, probably should’ve concerned some people is her sudden break with CAST Center and everyone involved (especially Mike, because he’s literally been with her every day during the American leg of the TMYLM Tour), her manager Phil and two of her absolute best friends, Marissa Callahan and Nick Jonas. But even then everyone, myself included, thought that there must’ve been a reason for it and it wasn’t really our place to judge because we didn’t know what happened. It was just weird that she suddenly cut off four people at once. Even her tweets seemed to tell us a story that no one really got. It was shady and messy. But hey, I just thought that whatever happened between her and those people probably hurt, and we all know that she is impulsive and stubborn. It wouldn’t be the first stubborn, shady tweet she’d send out. I was a little worried at that point because I knew how much these four people meant to her and I just thought “Oh my god, what if she got hurt really bad?” But again…it wasn’t really our place to judge, was it?
Another thing that probably should’ve concerned a few people was the fact that she went to Coachella. I mean, yes…she was good with going to parties and staying sober and clean, but Coachella is a whole other level. That’s not the right place for a recovering addict. But I tried to stay positive and told myself “Hey, she’s strong. She just celebrated her six years of sobriety. She can handle it.”…that was until she released “Sober” and I immediately thought that it must’ve been the whole Coachella thing that fucked everything up, combined with a few wrong people surrounding her. But we all know Demi, and we know how good she is at putting on a smile and not letting people know what’s happening in her life. I saw her live in concert in June, and she was just the Demi we all love and adore. Nothing seemed off. Even though, according to some posts and reports, she must’ve already been back to using drugs and drinking.
In “Sober” she sounds vulnerable, ashamed and embarrassed about relapsing, and in her lyrics, she promised to get help. I was positive about it. I never judged her for her relapse, and I never will. It’s part of recovery. She’s human like everyone else, and humans make mistakes. Sometimes, they can’t help but to make them when there’s that little guy called “addiction” sitting in the corner of their brains. In recovery, he’s constantly whispering to you that you need a drink/drug and that it’ll make you feel better and it won’t hurt anybody. Nobody will notice. Usually, he’s not loud enough, but then there comes a point in your life when everything else around you is quiet and all of a sudden he sees his chance and starts shouting all these things at you as loud as he can. And in order to make him stop, you give in. You do what he tells you to do so he finally shuts up.
Let’s move on, though…After “Sober” I hoped she’d be okay. I never saw the overdose coming. I would’ve never thought we’d get to this point where we almost lost her forever. Knowing that breaks my heart just as much as it breaks yours. But all if this doesn’t take away her six years of staying sober, clean and healthy. That’s a fucking accomplishment and nobody can take that away from her!
So…let me get into all the bullshit that’s been going around on Twitter. Let me start with Mike Bayer:
Mike was her life coach for how many years? Ever since she left Timberline Knolls, as far as I know. He was always an incredible person, never said a bad word about her and in Simply Complicated, he told us about what happened with Demi when she first lost control. And he also told us another thing: “The most important thing to Demi is losing people. It’s losing people that care about her and that love her.” Doesn’t that sound like that’s exactly what happened this time around? You gotta keep in mind that this overdose is a whole other level. Her first struggles weren’t as server as this one. So, what if all Mike (and Phil, Marissa and Nick) wanted to do is help her, but she blocked him? What if she didn’t think her problems were as bad as they apparently are and didn’t accept his help? What if she pushed him away because she was annoyed with his constant attempts to help? So Mike did what he had to do and stepped back. I have to admit, I wasn’t fair to him during that time. I was kind of mad at him, especially after that article came out saying she was fired from CAST because she relapsed and that contract she apparently signed or whatever that was…Looking back at all of this now, it was probably all to help her.
Let’s move on…Next on the list is Phil McIntyre:
He was Demi’s manager her whole career. He was the one who saw that Demi was special and had a God given talent, he stood by her side through her first breakdown and still continued to see her potential. I’m not gonna comment on his ability as a manager, because I literally don’t know shit about management, and neither do you, but I still see posts on Twitter constantly bashing him and calling him a bad manager. Do you all forget that he literally helped the Jonas Brothers becoming one of the most successful bands in the late 2000s? And you know what? Let him be a bad manager, I don’t give a fuck…but at least he is a really great human being who cares about his clients more than he cares about money and fame and success. Imagine if Demi would’ve had a different manager, one that pushes his clients so hard to make the most amount of money. One that doesn’t care much about his clients' well-being…one who pushes them so hard that all they can do to cope with the pressure is drink or do drugs…would you really want Demi to be managed by someone like that? At the vulnerable state that she’s constantly in? I don’t think so. Phil apparently staged an intervention, which might’ve been the breaking point in his and Demi’s relationship. So she “fired” him and Lauren Einbinder took over.
Next please…oh yes, Marissa Callahan:
Where do I start with Marissa? Her and Demi have been the absolute best friends for years. They shared some of the same struggles when it comes to mental health issues and Marissa has always been by her side. To me, the two of them were always friendship goals. I personally don’t think Marissa was ever a bad influence to Demi. When Demi started drinking, they were both young and stupid, so we can’t really blame her for anything. There are many teenagers who introduce their friends to alcohol. That doesn’t necessarily mean that these friends will end up becoming addicts. But with Demi, it was a little different. The underlying, undiagnosed mental health issue was part of the reason she developed this addiction, and neither her parents, nor her best friend Marissa could've possible seen the outcome of an early alcohol consume. So, please stop blaming Demi’s addiction on her. If it wasn’t her who introduced her to alcohol, Demi would've eventually gotten in contact with it another way. That’s what happens with teenagers. Okay, so…their friendship was one of the strongest I’ve ever seen. Just earlier this year, they were on vacation together for…how long was that…14 days? It was a long vacation and they seemed to have such a good time. And suddenly, about two or three months later, Demi unfollows her, posts shady tweets and when asked about her best friends, she just names Sirah and Matthew. Usually, Marissa would’ve been on top of that list as well. So, the fact that Marissa probably stepped away as well shows how server Demi’s drug use must’ve been. Just like Mike, Phil and Nick, Marissa wasn't enabling it. And who wants to watch their best friend destroy themselves? No one. Since all attempts to help Demi obviously didn’t work, Marissa stepped away, probably for her own mental health as well.
Now my favorite…Nick Jonas:
You know why he’s my favorite? That dude knows what he’s doing…and it worked the first time. Just at the end of 2017, Demi and Nick were at such an incredible place in their friendship. They were recording each other’s performances on each other’s phones, flew home in the same private jet…just a few weeks before that, Demi basically admitted to having some sorts of feelings for him in two of her songs. In an interview, she said that the person she wrote these songs about loved them and told her he wrote songs about her as well. I’m not saying this because I ship them a lot, but they were slowly heading towards something much stronger than friendship. I personally think that if all of this wouldn’t have happened, instead of getting the report of Demi overdosing, we would’ve gotten some kind of romance update on them. So how come that a friendship as strong and powerful as theirs suddenly ends with her unfollowing him on all social media? Listen to this interview at 7.15min. Nick basically explains it all. He stepped away to save himself from a possible heartbreak that he would’ve suffered if he would’ve kept watching her going down that spiral. And it’s not like he didn’t try. He also once said that the first time she was struggling, he tried to talk to her, but she cut him off. Just like she did again now. I hate to see people tweeting that he’s the reason she relapsed, or that he’s a bad guy in all of this. Just like Marissa, he probably just didn’t wanna witness his best friend ruining herself. I’ve been there, too. I’ve had friends struggling with mental health issues, and in order to keep my sanity, I had to step back at a certain point. So don’t judge him!
Now that I touched on Mike, Phil, Marissa and Nick, let’s get to the messy part…the one where everyone blames her dancers and even members of her family:
I wanna start with Dianna. People are really sending her hate and blame her, when all she was probably doing the past week was being worried as fuck about her daughter? Like…do you even realize how fucked up that this? This woman almost lost her child. She was almost at a point where, instead of planning which treatment center is best for her, she had to plan a funeral. Give her a fucking break! I’m not saying that everything was right in their family, but I think people tend to forget that Dianna herself struggles with mental health issues. So maybe she didn’t even see the depth of the problem. Maybe she couldn’t quite understand how server the whole situation was. And guess what, guys? Maybe she even tried to do something…but Demi is a 25-year-old, grown ass woman. And an addict. And stubborn as fuck. Do you really think she would’ve listened to her mother? Besides that, she’s manipulative. What if she told her mom that everything is okay? She can be super convincing, so what if Dianna believed her? It’s incredibly rude to assume Dianna had something to do with all of this. She is a mother. And from what I’ve seen the past few years that I’ve been following this family, she’s a great one. She loves her daughters.
And now…the part you’ve all probably been waiting for: Demi’s dancer
I honestly don’t even know where to start. Do I start at the American leg of the TMYLM tour? Or do I jump right into the European leg? Do I compare this tour with others that didn’t have dancers? I should probably do all of that. So…I’ve said it before, and I will say it again: The Future Now Tour was and always will be the best tour Demi has ever put together. Why? Well, not only did she travel through America with her best friend, but she was also surrounded by people who really, really cared about her. She had an incredible team, her best friend and she was the happiest I’ve ever seen her. She was free. Whenever they had a day off, they’d so some fun things…things that didn’t necessarily trigger her. And did you guys notice something? There were no dancers. In my opinion, she never needed dancers. Demi’s talent doesn’t need some extra special effects. She could play a two hours show with just her piano and a guitar, and people would still be fascinated by her.
But…I liked the dancers. There were fun, and from what I’ve seen on Instagram, they all had an incredible time. Everyone seemed so genuinely nice and funny and Demi seemed to love them as well. But what did they do when they had a day off? They were partying. And sometimes, Demi joined them. Like I said earlier in this post, there was a time where Demi could easily be part of a party and not care at all. She would drink her red bull and that’s it, but this year was different. She relapsed, and was surrounded by people who consumed alcohol. I’m not saying they caused it, or that they are to blame for it, but Demi was no longer at a place where she could be around that. Could they have done something about it? Maybe, but maybe they didn’t even realize what was going on before it was too late. That being said, let’s focus a little on two of the dancers that have been on top of the “let’s blame people for Demi’s overdose” list the past few days. And these people are Jackie and Dani. Now, Jackie fucked up. I’m sure all of you have seen the video of her doing coke on her Instagram. That’s pretty messy and I definitely don’t agree with what she did. And I seriously hope that she didn’t do it around Demi. While that could’ve been a triggering point for her, it still doesn’t mean that we can blame Jackie for Demi’s overdose.
Now Dani…I’m really conflicted at this point. I love Dani. I’ve met her. I’ve talked to her and what she said to us, how she treated us and what she then offered us was beyond anything I’ve ever experienced or expected from someone. She was one of the nicest, kindest and most humble people I have ever met in my life. She was so patient with us and really, really genuine. She’s always been getting hate, for ridiculous shit like being responsible for Jojo to leave the tour. People even said that she kicked her off and took her place…like bitch, they were literally both on that tour in America. Nobody took anyone’s place here. So I was already like “Damn, she doesn’t deserve that. She’s so fucking nice.”. So when I saw that everyone was now attacking her for causing Demi’s overdose, I was like “Okay, hold the fuck on…” Here’s what we know: Demi was at Dani’s birthday party. That alone is nothing to be extremely worried about. Like…Demi going to her friend’s birthday party? How fucking normal from her. Damn, Demi. And we all didn’t know how server her drug use was at this point. And guess what? Maybe Dani didn’t know either? Just like Demi’s family might not haven know just how bad it really was? We don’t know what happened at the party. We didn’t see any videos or pictures of her drinking with Dani. What if she didn’t do any of that while Dani was around?
Okay, let’s continue…Even though it was Dani’s birthday party, and Demi reportedly continued partying at her house with some people, that doesn’t mean Dani was there as well because for all we know, the party at Demi’s house had nothing to do with her birthday anymore. So…let’s say she was no longer there…how can you blame her for the overdose? How can you blame anyone who was there for the overdose? The only plausible explanation about when Demi overdose is the next morning, a little while before she was found. At that point, I’m 100% sure nobody else was at the house anymore. Didn’t someone say Demi was alone when it happened? Okay, it was probably one of these oh so reliable sources, but it makes the most sense to me. Like…yes, there were probably people enabling the drug use, but I can’t imagine anyone really letting someone overdose and possibly die. So nobody left her alone. Nobody just “watched” her overdose. She was alone, I don’t think it was her intention to overdose and she was lucky someone found her in time. If she would’ve overdosed that night…and then someone found her around noon…as hard as it is to hear, but then she wouldn’t be with us anymore. So stop blaming Dani. And stop reading too much into her statement.
I could say a lot more things…about the guys she’s been seen with (you know…when everyone thought she was out with G-Eazy?) for example. Or Dilmer, which I’m not gonna get into because those of you who follow me know how I feel about them as a couple. But this is already long enough. Like I said, I don’t blame anyone.
I’m gonna say this once and for all: THE ONLY ONE TO BLAME FOR DEMI’S OVERDOSE IS HER FUCKING ADDICTION! None of the people she’s been surrounding herself with forced her to do anything. She did that all on her own, because her addiction got stronger. Remember that little guy I told you about earlier? Yeah, he was yelling like a motherfucker!
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daisy & billy + being the same person at a different stage of life
basically this is me being obsessed with the fact that so many things billy goes through at the beginning of the story serve as almost a precursor to what’ll eventually happen to daisy. like the lessons daisy goes learns concerning love and sobriety and addiction are so similar to what billy knows bc of his family and marriage. but while billy seems further ahead on his journey than daisy is, he can still identify with her due to his fear of relapsing, temptation, and losing everything. also they both learn and grow so much just from being around each other??? like what makes the ending work is bc they are both finally on equal footing in a way and at a place where their stories are lined up
on children:
That song isn’t … it’s not about Billy. If that’s what you were thinking. It’s about wanting to have a family, kids. And knowing you’d be awful at it. Feeling like you’re too much of a fuckup to deserve anything like that. But wanting it anyway. And I look at you and everything that you are and I know it’s everything I can never be.
I just kept thinking about walking into the hospital and looking at my kid and knowing that I was the shit deal she got. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be with her. I wanted to be with her so bad. You have no idea how bad. I just … I didn’t want my girl to have to meet me. I didn’t want … that early into her life, I didn’t want my kid to have to look up and see this man, this drunken, strung-out, piece of shit and think, This is my dad? That’s how I felt. I was embarrassed to be seen by my baby.
on love:
I wish someone had told me that love isn’t torture. Because I thought love was this thing that was supposed to tear you in two and leave you heartbroken and make your heart race in the worst way. I thought love was bombs and tears and blood. I did not know that it was supposed to make you lighter, not heavier. I didn’t know it was supposed to take only the kind of work that makes you softer. I thought love was war. I didn’t know it was supposed to … I didn’t know it was supposed to be peace. And you know what? Even if I did know that, I don’t know that I would have been ready to welcome it or value it. I wanted drugs and sex and angst. That’s what I wanted. Back then I thought that the other type of love … I thought that was for other types of people. Honestly, I thought that type of love didn’t exist for women like me.
I’m not saying that I didn’t care. I cared a lot. I’m saying that when you really love someone, sometimes the things they need may hurt you, and some people are worth hurting for. I had hurt Camila. God knows I had. But loving somebody isn’t perfection and good times and laughing and making love. Love is forgiveness and patience and faith and every once in a while, it’s a gut punch. That’s why it’s a dangerous thing, when you go loving the wrong person. When you love somebody who doesn’t deserve it. You have to be with someone that deserves your faith and you have be deserving of someone else’s. It’s sacred. I have no tolerance for people that waste other people’s faith in them. None at all.
on addiction:
When Teddy died, that was it. I’d decided there was no sense in getting sober. I rationalized it. You know, If the universe wanted me to get clean, it wouldn’t have killed Teddy. You can justify anything. If you’re narcissistic enough to believe that the universe conspires for and against you—which we all are, deep down—then you can convince yourself you’re getting signs about anything and everything.
Like an idiot, I said to myself, Okay, I’ll just take until November 30 and get all of this out of my system. Do it all now. So I don’t ever have to do it again. Sometimes I wonder if addicts aren’t all that different from anybody else, they are just better at lying to themselves. I was great at lying to myself.
on each other to jonah berg:
“Daisy says you spent your first tour cheating on your wife and dealing with alcoholism and drug addiction, possibly a heroin addiction. She says you’re in recovery now but that you missed the birth of your first daughter because you were in rehab.”
Billy and I were walking down the hall and as we got to my door I said, “Do you want to come in?” I was just enjoying the conversation we were having. We were finally getting to know each other. But when I said it, Billy looked down at the floor and said, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” When I shut the door behind me, alone in my room, I felt so stupid. It was so obvious that he thought I was hitting on him and that made me so sad. - The Numbers Tour
I was embarrassed that Simone has offered it to him because I knew he already felt like I was a scummy boozehound drug addict. And if Billy thought I was going to knock him off the wagon, I was going to do everything in my power to make sure that wasn’t true. - Aurora
I woke up and Nicky was there with a toot, right there. I just had this fleeting thought, What if I didn’t? So I said, “No, thanks.” And Nicky laughed and said, “No, c’mon.” And he put it right in my face and I snorted it. And as I turned my head, to look down the aisle, I saw that Billy had stepped onto the bus for some reason, was talking to Warren or something. But … he saw the whole thing. And I caught his eye for a moment and I just got so sad. - Aurora World Tour
“How about this? I can’t fucking stand Daisy Jones. She’s a selfish brat who’s been given everything she wants her entire life and thinks it’s because she deserves it.”
Everything was happening so fast. And I was … You’re an underdog for so long and then one day you’re not. And when you start to feel real success, when you start to live large and all that, you have to stop and ask yourself if you think you really deserve it. Anyone that isn’t a complete asshole will come up with the answer “No.” Because of course you don’t. When guys you grew up with are working three jobs. Or they’re lost overseas like we lost Chuck. Of course you don’t deserve it. You have to learn how to reconcile those two things. Having it and not deserving it. Or, you do what I did, and refuse to think about it.- Debut
BONUS+
nicky vs. camila with acceptance:
Over the next few days, I told Nicky everything. I bared my soul to him. He loved the music I loved. And the art I loved. And the pills I loved. He made me feel like he was the only one that could ever understand me. I told him how lonely I was and how hard it had been to work on that album. And how I felt about Billy. I didn’t hide anything from him. I opened up and just let it pour out. And he listened to it all. At one point, I said, “You must think I’m crazy.” And he said, “My Daisy, everything about you makes perfect sense to me.” It seemed like there wasn’t anything about me, any truth that I could tell him, that he wouldn’t accept. Acceptance is a powerful drug. And I should know because I’ve done ’em all.
I think I just refused to accept that he was as low as he claimed to be. I’m not saying it wasn’t real, what he did. Oh, it was very real. All of it was real. I’ve never been so lost and scared. I was sick over it, every day. And I couldn’t have even told you what part of me felt the sickest. My heart hurt and my stomach felt like it was gonna turn inside out and my head throbbed. Oh, it was very real. But that didn’t mean I had to accept it.
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