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coridallasmultipass · 4 years

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Vent / personal / tmi / menstruation / endometriosis / long post ... Im so fucking sick of healthcare professionals telling me to just wait it out and pushing my problems onto other doctors I just got my 5th shot of lupron and have 1 more next month. On my appointment last week i told the gyn how ive been having much more cramping and tissue but not blood coming out regularly and he said its possible the combined lupron and norethindrone are making my uterine lining too thin, and to stop the norethindrone (it was being prescribed to help any menopause-like side effects the lupron can have) And less than 24 hours after my first missed dose i get a full blown period complete with extreme mood swings and depression Im not bleeding this week but im still cramping and the mood swings are so fucking bad, being chronically ill and not getting enough relief from any of my medications is making all of this worse but im literally breaking down over any little thing The lupron and norethindrone combined i guess have been suppressing all my emotions bc this is what it was like on the daily before i started it (just not as bad) which is telling me that none of my psych meds are working but whatever I just now got off the phone with my psych and he said he doesnt want to do anything with my meds or dosing bc he says its related to hormones and thats what my gyn needs to address and i Need To Wait im fucking sick of waiting i cant do this ive been waiting since last august!!!!!!! I now have to wait 2 more whole months of mood swings until i can have another appointment with him hes refused to actually screen me for adhd too and says its bc im An Artist type that im not able to sit down and draw anything since last fall like i fucking hate him and he never gets my name or pronouns right and i cant go see a new psych bc of all the closures and i dont wanna call my gyn bc he said if things get worse i need to have a pelvic ultrasound done again and i cant do it!!! I fucking cant do it it hurts too much im too traumatized from depoprovera and mirena that i cant even touch myself without extreme dysphoria and fear that im going to cramp Its killing me that as someone who was so personally sexual to completely be traumatized from the road to an endometriosis diagnosis that i can no longer masturbate or even talk about sex without anxiety and being trans on top of it hurts even more Next gyn appt is my last injection of lupron and im really gonna push to plan for a partial hysterectomy (i only had endo cysts on the back of my uterus but it was 100% confirmed with surgery and biopsy) so i hope it will help so i can stop taking all these fucking hormonal medications like Before being diagnosed i was really planning on going on testosterone but now im too scared because i feel like it would really fuck up my health problems more - mentally and physically Ive given up on passing and am trying to focus on body acceptance especially now that ove had rapid weight gain that isnt being addressed by any of ky doctors i bring it up to God im just trying to vent here but seriously Do not take the diagnosis of endometriosis lightly its super serious to go forth with any treatments and you really have to commit to long term treatments and its a gamble either way For me not starting any treatments was unacceptable i needed help with extreme monthly periods and all forms of birth control ive tried exacerbated symptoms and never stopped bleeding - i literally cannot personally recommend any form of medical birth control bc every one has fucked me over, many different pills at different points in my life, shot (depoprovera gave me debilitating cramps and i bled non stop all 3 months which started this whole journey to diagnosis), iud (iud was the worst i had to go to the er bc the gyn refused to give me pain meds and i was screaming in pain a few hours later unBle to move or think - i really cannot stress enough how painful and long insertion is like it was the longest 5-10 minutes of my life crying while it felt like a knife going through me) I really dont want that ultrasound tho ffs i had to get the first one done while i was in full force cramps during my depoprovera shot and the pelvic ultrasound rod is humongous and they dig it around inside you (i already had a painful and hard time trying to have pleasurable penetration even by myself or with partners) and it takes like 40 minutes of jumbling around your insides for them to document every thing like at least at that time i was only like 2 months from my last time jerking off but now its been almost 6 months of me not even thinking about putting more than one finger in to clean myself in the shower like to go right into an huge ultrasound is going to be so painful and anxiety inducing and i cant do it id rather go straight into surgery My biggest phobias have to do with pain around this part of my anatomy i cannot stress enough how long ive wanted a hysterectomy just so i dont have to fear accidentally getting p r e g... like i would literally kms... i would probably be able to handle the pain of cutting off my arm with a rusty knife better than extreme cramping pain like i had with the iud or ultrasound its such a phobia and now its source of trauma for me from everything ive gone through the last 6 months Having to readjust my life goals from doing p o r n as a hobby and wanting to transition and be who i am, to becoming a vegetable and trying to cope with the fact that i cant ever transition how i hoped Everything just really sucks for me right now and i have literally no social life any more, not even online bc im so stressed about my health and my attention is so bad i cant focus on a convo online, my laptop is about at its grave so all i have is a phone and xbox with bare minimum internet speed.. i live in the middle of nowhere and cant get my license bc the person who was guiding me to drive is an essential worker in a hospital so i cant go in their car any more... im just so fucking alone i cant do anything except break my back gardening and then cry about it later bc my fucking meds dont fucking work!!!!!!!!! Oh thats another thing im also dealing with fucking gerd on top of all this and i cant get the proceedure i need done to confirm if i need surgery or not bc the fucking lockdown!!!! So im stuck taking pantoprazole (been trying similar meds since march 2019 and its currently june 2020!!!!!!) I just want to eat tomatoes and chocolate again it fucking kills me if i dont take pantoprazole i will lose my voice and have such a sore throat and ears from the stomach acid and i know im gonna have to stop it for 2 weeks for one of the tests i need done and its going to be literal hell like it feels worse than strep throat ill probably do the thing where i start choking and coughing at night bc it gets so bad Im a fucking mess like why couldnt all of this happen one at a time I really want to get my belly pierced again bc i feel so naked without it but i cant bc i probably will be having 2 surgeries once covid blows over (if it ever does) Sorry for taking up so much dash space im just really hurting and need some outlet bc therapy isnt helping rn

#personal /#vent #long post #endometriosis #mental illness #menstruation #tmi #i need to stop crying but i cant lmaO #fuck endometriosis #literally a life ruiner #like i was already having a hard time before it but now i have zero hope for the future

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lez-exclude-men · 4 years

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im in high school right now and i just... hate it. so much. ive been on 3 different antidepressants, the schoolwork is just too much, i really just despise high school. all the drama and everything, i just hate it. my parents esp my dad just tell me im too negative and emotional and need to change my mindset as if i like being sad all the time... does life get better after hs? and how do i make it go by quicker?

Apologies for the delay, I wanted to make sure I was in the right head space to answer this as best I can.

Spend your energy on classes you enjoy, not classes that you're told to take for college. You are living right now, and while planning for the future is important, overloading yourself for the uncertain future is bad for your mental health. A low (but passing) grade in a class you dont care about and are told you should care about isn't a big deal, I promise.

Figure out where the drama is primarily coming from. Decrease your social interactions with them, effective immediately. If they're your friend and you care about them, you can still maintain that relationship without being privy to their drama, it just takes some balance and practice. Are you feeding into the drama in any way? Reevaluate your actions and see what you can do differently in the future.

Find a hobby you love and that CREATES something. Seriously I can not stress how helpful this is with mental health, especially depression. Ideally this is something you can take with you to school, or at least look forward to doing once you get home. Make it part of your daily, or at least weekly, routine. When things get rough and you need a break from the negativity, throw yourself into the hobby. For me, it ended up being crocheting. I can whip up a hat in a couple hours. And when depression would tell me I was awful and worthless, I would make an imperfect hat and go, see??? It's not perfect, but I MADE something that does a thing. Even better if I could give it to a friend and it would make them smile-- bc they were holding an achievement of mine, complete with all its flaws, and loving it. And that external, unsolicited and pure joy and validation was easy to turn into something I could wave in depressions face.

As for making hs go faster, free up some time. This is advice that isn't really approved of by teachers and parents, but it honestly helps a lot. Is there a class that you're good in without trying too hard, that gives you a lot of homework? Ideally this is a class that you make an A in but wouldn't mind a B, or make a B but wouldn't mind a C. Now, look at the homework category in your grades. How much of your class grade does it make up? 5% (no joke I had a class like that)? Congrats! As long as you pay attention and study, you can get by with never turning in another assignment. Quit doing homework. 10%? Do assignments here and there, but again, just keep up with the class material so you do well on tests and skipping homework isnt a big deal. 20-50%? Do the math, and see how many zeros you can have before it has a major impact on your grade. Congrats! When you're having a particularly rough week, purposefully get a zero on the homework for this class. Just keep an eye on your grades. 60%+? Be careful. Be very careful. But you can still miss an assignment on occasion. Or, as the better approach is, on the lengthy assignments, do the bits that are easiest, and half ass the hard parts. Congrats!!!! By doing this you have freed up some extra time to work on your hobby, or sleep. Which brings me to my next point...

Prioritize sleep. There's a balance to be had, of course, but if you've already hung out with your friends a few times this week, say no the next time they ask and go home and take a nap. If you have an off period, find a comfy chair or corner somewhere, and set a timer on your phone for 20-30 minutes. Cat nap that bitch. THEN do whatever you normally do in your off period. Try to get at least NINE hours of sleep each night. Don't be one of those kids that "competes" by saying "omg I only got 4 hours". While this may give you some temporary social status as everyone ooos and awwws over your seemingly superhuman self, it's not worth it. Trust me. I was one of those kids and we were all dead inside. Get some sleep. It makes everything so much easier to deal with. That said, dont beat yourself up if you dont get enough sleep one night. You're already going to have a rough day, dont make it worse on yourself.

Your dad doesn't understand mental illness. Depression isn't an outlook you choose, but an uphill struggle to try and enjoy some small part of your life. It's rough, it sucks, but it IS possible to manage. Discard all negative blogs you might have or follow rn. Be careful in how much you listen to depressing music. It has a time and place, and that is not when you're feeling at your worst or your best, but when you're just feeling a little shitty and need the outlet to get through the day. Keep a journal. Be as dramatic as you'd like in that girl, no one is gonna see her. Just make sure to end each journal entry with two things about today that lifted your mood, and one thing (no matter how small) that you can look forward to tomorrow.

Things do get better after high school, but that doesn't mean you should just wallow and wait and pray for this to go by as quick as possible. You have a life, right now, that is waiting to be lived. It's time for some spring cleaning, and then off on whatever adventure the day brings!

You've got this, I believe in you!!! And if you want more advice or clarification or just want to vent, feel free to come into my ask box again or stop by my dms. I'm no therapist, but I've been where you are, and I can try to help in all the ways o know how.💖

#lezpost #ask #answered #depression #anon

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things-we-used-tc-share · 5 years

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Summer Rain

Warnings: minor alcohol mention, Deceit is mentioned but he’s not really a bad guy, he just trips over everything a lot. I guess kinda age gap? Roman is 28, Logan is approaching 35.

Ship: Logince

Plot: Logan runs into a young man that loves to interrupt his reading time, against his will he’s managed to make a friend. Slowly as he begins to learn the boundaries of his own soul, he thinks he might see more than friendship along the way.

The turn of pages in a book could be the symbolism for Logan’s current existential dread, but he’s paying more attention to how the pages feel under his fingertips than the reason he’d needed the book in the first place. Approaching thirty-five years old, the professor was not completely unaware of how his family talk about him, he’d been single for most of his life because he’d chosen to be, he didn’t find much interest in searching for love or finding “The One,” like his parents had been nagging him too for years.

Unfortunately, he was thirty-four years old, single, unmarried and his parents wanted him to be. And having put down the phone less than half an hour ago he’d launched his own mind into a spiel of whether he was failing at his own life. In much more simple terms, Logan was panicking that his purpose in life was to find love and he didn’t want to. It’s his firm belief that if it truly is his purpose then it should find him because he has far more important things to do like teaching college students about the field of medicine and also drinking whiskey at 10PM whilst marking test papers. Every time a student writes something that makes him want to ask if they’d actually listened for a second, he takes another shot.

It’s not that Logan is lonely, okay maybe he is just a little bit lonely. He’s all the way out in Florida whilst his family lives in another state and he’s never bothered to make friends but he’s thirty-four and he’s lonely.

The kicker is that Logan isn’t sure if he does want to be not-lonely, he’s almost certain he doesn’t want to fall in love and even more certain that he doesn’t want to make friends. He blames his parents for guilting him into having emotions.

A cup of coffee is placed down in front of him and he uncrosses his legs on the comfortable cafe seat before looking up to thank the man who placed it down. He frequents this cafe so often that he knows everyone by name and face. There’s Virgil, a skinny young man who looked like a teenager going through a quarter-life crisis, despite being twenty-five. There’s Patton, who runs the cafe, who smiles and everyone and gives out free homemade cookies to children. Then Declan, a man who was terrible at lying when Logan asks him “Did you put milk in this?” and trips over his own feet every five minutes.

But this face was new. He had long brown hair pulled back into a bun, dark brown eyes and was possibly the only person of the workers of the cafe that A) Was wearing glitter and B) didn’t look like they had a Vitamin D Deficiency. That’s to say that he had a tan and wasn’t so pale he was translucent (Virgil) or looked like he hadn’t been outside in about four weeks (Patton, Declan).

And he was talking.

“...I hope that’s okay for you, I was told no milk so I thought I should ask if you wanted a milk replacement because we have Soya, Almond and Coconut milk and...” He was talking a lot. Logan was wondering if there’s a socially acceptable, or kinder way, to say shut up before he stops.

“I just like my coffee black,” His tone sounds a lot harsher than intended but the waiter only smiles in return, Logan supposes he’s had ruder patrons in this cafe.

“That’s also fine! I just wanted to make sure,” The ebony haired man finds the name tag that reads ‘Roman’ and decides to make up for his rudeness.

“Thank you...Roman, I appreciate your willingness to make your customers feel comfortable,” He offers a tight smile before looking down at his book, with every intention to continue reading. Roman, however, seems to have other ideas.

“What’re you reading?” It’s rare that anyone willingly talks to Logan, even (especially) people who know him, even Patton, the happy go lucky owner of the sho understood that the man was not one for bounds of conversation. It seemed that Roman had not quite grasped this yet but Logan was sure in due time he would.

“It’s a study of how psychological effects of the mind can cause illness in the body, IE why people who are mentally ill can be more prone to physical illness, the short answer is stress lowers the immune system, but I’m a Doctor so I find everything behind it more fascinating,”

“You’re a Doctor? Woah that’s so cool,” The blue-eyed man blinks, having never quite received that response as the man looks like overly excited by the information. “I’m a student, a little late on the uptake but I study Performing Arts, that’s not quite as important as what you do though,” Logan takes a moment to consider the other’s words before he decides he does actually have something to say about that.

“I think you’re undermining the value of Performing Arts if you think that, whilst yes I train people who will go on to save lives, art as a medium can do more than perhaps you realize, in my line of work I had met many people who have been through times that medication could not save them, but art had,” He takes a breath as Roman waits patiently for him to continue “In fact it’s something mentioned in this book, mental illness, and art is quite often linked, many people who pursue art as a career or hobby find it greatly improves their mental health to have an outlet, plus a world without performance would be rather drab, don’t you think?”

“I...uh...yeah,” Roman replies quietly, looking down at his hands before turning his head towards the counter “I’d love to talk some more but I should probably get back to my work,” He pulls on his bright smile again, “Enjoy your coffee!” Logan watches him walk away and he would be lying to himself if Roman, albeit initially irritating, hadn’t intrigued him a little.

By the end of the day he’d forgotten all about him, however.

“Mind if I join you?” Logan peers over his book to the newcomer, who was dusting flour off his apron “This ones on the house,” A cup of coffee was placed in front of him with a caramel cookie “Consider it a peace offering for interrupting your reading but I’ve got a break and you’re...handsome,” He wonders if he physically recoiled from the statement as he lowers the book because Roman smirks at him. Oh, he’s blushing, that’s why he’s smirking. Logan internally groans but accepts the cookie.

“Be my guest, it doesn't look like I’ve much say in the matter,” It would, after all, be rude after he’s just bought him a coffee and a cookie. Roman isn’t that irritating after all, he looks permanently like a lost puppy but his voice isn’t unpleasant to listen too (By the end of the hour-long break, Logan might have something else to say on the matter).

He absently listens to the other talk which is mostly complaining, but Logan finds himself chuckling as the other man talks, despite his concentration being predominantly on his book. He doesn’t reply, but Roman can tell he’s listening with the small half-smiles and nods of his head, and honestly, that was enough for him.

It becomes a habit, Logan’s reading time interrupted with Roman collapsing in the chair opposite with a cup of coffee and a cookie. Somewhere along the line, Patton had simply put a cookie aside for Roman to gift the other man, with a shake of his head and a wide smile (”Roman you’re not wasting two dollars a day for a cookie I’m happy to give you for free,”).

Somewhere along the line, Logan actually stopped being mildly irritated by the other’s presence. He wondered absently if this is what friendship felt like.

“It’s raining, in August!” Roman doesn’t even ask anymore as he places down the coffee and the cookie and flops into the chair opposite him “It’s Summer Logan! It shouldn’t be raining, what’s worse is that it’s still unbelievably humid,” Logan snorts and lowers the book.

“Nice to see you too Roman,” He reaches over for his coffee and takes a sip before he looks out the window. It was indeed raining, it pattered against the window gently like a wave ‘hello’ from a stranger. Logan’s attention turns to the rain as he watches it slide down the windows and turn into silver by the sunlight that hits the streets. “It’s hardly unsurprising, currently climates all around the world are displaying unusual and worrying habits, however, a little bit of rain on a Friday evening will not do you any harm,”

“It’ll do my flawless hair some harm,” The other mutters before pulling the bobble out of his hair and letting it unravel from where it had been held captive. He runs a hand through it before pushing it to one side. “My hair gets so frizzy in wet weather it’s not even remotely funny,” He sighs dramatically, letting out a ‘humph’ as he rests his elbow on the arm of the chair.

“Your reaction is certainly amusing,” Despite himself, Roman smiles. The elder takes a moment to look at the man, sporting a white shirt rolled up and tucked into black skinny jeans, a pastel pink apron tied around his waist. Logan catches himself smiling just a little as the other falls into quiet and watches the summer rain, hair falling over his shoulders and sunlight highlighting his tanned skin.

It’s scary how Logan actually acknowledges this man is attractive. He’s scared, he doesn’t like that situation, he doesn’t particularly like that unbeknownst to himself he’d started to enjoy Roman’s company and genuinely look forward to him plopping down on the chair opposite him and ranting about how clumsy Declan is. He doesn’t like it because it’s new and scary but he’s also not the sort of person who's ever let fear stop him from doing completely irrational things. “Roman?” The other looks up and meets cerulean eyes with a tired smile “What time does your shift finish?”

Logan’s idea of a date is not something Roman has ever recieved. For one he didn’t think he’d ever enjoy sitting in a museum until Logan starts talking. And then he doesn’t stop talking. In fact, Roman is 100% sure he’d never heard the blue-eyed man talk so much and so fast and so...alive. It’s like he held in the keys to the Universe and now he was spilling them out. Roman understood that this was important to him.

So he listened to him talk about the things there, about the history and interesting, Logan talked about the impact of these machines and how they worked, with the art industry. It dawned on Roman that Logan had brought him here to learn more about his own craft and it’s history, as well as showcasing just how much Logan loved how things worked.

They were both treading on new territories here. Logan, having never really experienced a need to move into a more romantic area of his life was for one, finding this all very disorientating but exciting. Roman, who’d never met a man actually willing to try and ‘woo’ him so to speak, was completely enthralled and hanging off every word that left the elder man’s mouth.

Logan gave him flowers.

Roman hugged him.

Then they parted ways at the end of the night, knowing that Roman would be interrupting Logan’s Friday morning reading before he goes off to work. (Logan had noticed that Roman’s breaks were not consistent anymore, they weren’t at the same time, he was literally taking these breaks at those times so that he could interrupt his reading. He can’t tell if he’s endeared or whether he should be reprimanding the other for not being more sensible)

Logan is invited, along with Patton, Virgil and Declan to attend Roman’s performance at the end of year showcase for the University he attends. He spends an hour trying to understand what he’s supposed to where and even goes as far as Googling “What do you wear to attend performances?” In the end, he settles on a dark blue shirt and black slacks, hoping for the best. He meets the other three in the most awkward and longest amount of time they’ve spent together. Virgil is wearing the hoodie he constantly refuses to take off, but has exchanged his usual black t-shirt for a black dress shirt, with his eyeliner a little bit neater than usual.

Declan was wearing green, in a variety of shades and Logan is no Art Historian, but he was sure the industry didn't go through centuries of adaptation for Declan to wear that. He decides to bites his tongue on the matter however as the boy is already pre-occupied trying to balance two large drink cartons and the biggest bucket of popcorn any of them had ever seen.

Patton was the only one that seemed to have tried to dress up for the occasion, wearing a blue dress that fanned out around his knees and his curly brown hair pinned back from his face. Logan wondered how he managed to get the confidence to wear it, and honestly, he’s a little bit jealous even if in day to day life it wasn’t really a practical garment that he would wear. “Hey, Logan!” Patton exclaims “Are you excited? I’m excited!”

“Thrilled,” Virgil mutters under his breath “I’m mostly here for the food, not gonna lie,” Logan bites back a smirk, well aware from the constant bickering he hears between the two that Roman and Virgil do not often get along. Patton pouts and Virgil sighs “Fine! I’m a little excited to see tall dark and annoying perform,”

Declan is eating popcorn straight from the bucket and simply looking between the three of them “D! Are you eating the popcorn,?” The bubbly young man finally frowns and the atrociously dressed young man blinks like a deer caught in the headlights, mouth full of popcorn.

“...No?”

The three of them bicker a little and Logan simply sips his drink and watches with an amused smirk. Despite being colleagues they appeared more like a slightly mismatched family or strays that Patton had picked up off the street.

“Come on guys, we’re gonna miss it!” Virgil finally says exasperatedly. “And now I have a migraine, I’ve not even seen him perform yet,” (It turns out, Virgil had actually bought aspirin along, and somehow this act of pre-meditated annoyance, amused Logan more than anything else thus far in the evening).

Logan’s glad he didn’t miss it.

Roman as a person was enigmatic, full of life, he followed his heart and his dreams and these were all things Logan didn’t particularly understand but he admired anyway. Roman on stage? Performing? It wasn’t often that the elder man came across situations where he was emotionally charged, but he almost forgot how to breathe the moment Roman opened his mouth and sang.

Patton had noticed the other’s expression, lips parted in shock and eyebrows furrowed, but it wasn’t until Roman had reached a song so full of sadness and Logan’s eyes welled up with tears that he reached over to place a comforting hand on the other’s arm. “He’s really good isn’t he?” The elder nods and wipes his eyes, wondering why he’d never heard Roman sing before. He wishes he could listen to him sing all day every day.

(One day he might get that wish)

After the performance, Roman greets them and Patton hugs him, tells him he was wonderful but he really has to go now because his husband has just got home. Virgil tells Roman he “Did alright, I guess,” but smiles before he’s dragging Declan out (Who still hasn’t finished his popcorn). Which left the two of them.

“Have you been crying?” Roman asks, a worried look on his face as his hands come up to Logan’s face and slides his glasses up slowly. It’s a strange form of intimacy that the ebony haired man is unsure he’s ever experienced before. He nods anyway and his hand comes up to Roman’s as it’s falling.

“Don’t ever give up Roman, you’re so unbelievably talented,” And the younger has heard those words so many times from so many different people with when Logan says it, it sounds real. Maybe it’s the way his eyes are so full of emotion, or the way he’s holding his hand but his words make Roman feel stronger than ever.

“I won’t,”

They leave together, stood outside. “It’s raining again,” Roman sighs, pulling his hair up into a bun, Logan watches and feels for the first time perhaps why people had so deeply wished for him to open his heart up a little. Oh god, I’m falling in love. Roman smiles as the rain patters against his skin, washing glitter against his cheek, under the streetlights he sparkles more than a thousand spotlights. “My flat’s just around the corner? I don’t know how far you have to go...” Logan’s panicking, for the first time in his life he’s truly scared and it shouldn’t be so scary but he doesn’t know what to do. He isn’t sure if he’s supposed to read between the lines or if there’s more Roman’s asking of him, he wished he’d paid more attention to how people react in social situations. “Hey you don’t have to...come, you look like I’ve just murdered your mother,” Roman’s hand is in his and there’s a smile so warm on his lips.

His brain quiets a little.

“I’m not well-advised in these situations Roman, I’ve never...done this before, I've never even really had a friend before,” He pauses “I’ve never courted another man, never been in a relationship and I’m confused, because I’m unsure if you’re asking me to come back to your flat because I live on the other side of town and it’s late, or if there’s something more you’re asking of me,”

Roman goes very red when the message finally drops “Oh! No! I mean, not that I wouldn’t like too!” He lets out a squeak as he tries to organize his words “One day, it’s just right now I’d prefer to just...not, I was offering for a place for you to sleep, nothing more or less,” A sigh of relief escapes Logan and he nods.

“Then yes, I would like to go home with you,” Roman smiles, their hands stay interlocked. Logan stays the night in an apartment filled with certificates and medals and strange costumes that are all in a mysterious wooden box. It feels cozy, but he sleeps on the couch. There are some things he needs more time before exploring.

Logan and Roman are apparently built out of patience for each other. Most men, six months into flirting with another guy would probably have given up on a prospective relationship by now. Luckily, Roman understood that Logan needed his time and headspace to explore his feelings. Logan’s patience came from the fact sometimes Roman would not stop talking and at this point, he’s just learned to accept that this is the way he is, and honestly, he’d only be annoyed if it were anyone else.

Patton, who is becoming their number one stan, is perpetually gossiping about the two and saying “He can’t wait for the day for his children to fall in love,” Virgil points out that that’s probably something you shouldn’t say in public around people who aren’t going to understand, and also Logan is five years older than him. Patton gives Virgil a cookie and tells him he’s smart.

Logan comes back after work to see Roman, as the cafe is closing up he leans against the window with his book open and begins to read absently whilst waiting for the other to finish cleaning up. He feels a tap on his hand and looks up to see the long-haired man beaming at him as he allows himself to be pulled into a hug. Folding the corner of the page and sliding the book into his bag the two began to walk. And Roman talks. Logan listens.

The two come to a stop outside the cinema after about fifteen minutes of meandering the city streets “So what film do you want to see?” And Roman is right in front of him, blinking up with wide brown eyes with a stray piece of hair falling loosely from its clip. Not for the first time, Logan’s brain short circuits but his hand moves of its own accord as it tucks the stray piece of hair behind Roman’s ears. The younger smiles the warm and soft smile that’s generally reserved for the other man.

“I’m not sure,” he finally responds “Whatever you’d like, Roman,” They end up watching a rom-com and Logan hadn’t expected less from his friend at all. WHen they leave the cinema though, Logan thinks back to all of the similar movies he’s watched and never understood, then he looks at Roman and thinks that he finally does. The evening is well on its way as stars litter the sky and the summer rain makes it’s uses in the night time warmth. Logan meets Roman’s eyes. I am so in love.

He kisses him. Gently, holding his hands and feelings his fingertips intertwined with his own. He kisses him like he has no idea what he’s doing but at the same time, like he’s just discovered a secret he’d hidden from himself. Roman kisses him back with a smile on his lips and his skin soft under the other man’s hands. It’s a gentle kiss, it’s quick but it does say what Logan’s extensive vocabularly could not have done.

“I love you,”

“I love you too, Logan,”

((This fic took me an entire day to write I shit you not))

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y4mmyb0y · 5 years

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assorted bad thoughts

i swear to god every time i talk to my mom about something i make her cry and im a stupid freak so i dont talk to her about anything normal. tonight she told me “i know that you dont like me” and i wanted to hang myself even more than normal. is she even wrong i dont dislike her but im talking to a woman whos in her mid 40s maybe i shouldnt feel bad because i dont have any responsibility to be her only friend. thats what i am right now. she has my aunt but their relationship isnt as good as ours. at least she doesnt get the same happiness out of it that she does with ours. when i basically told her to stop parenting me because it stresses me out it was like telling her dont talk to me anymore. i told her we can just try to talk about normal things but then she told me i do not fucking do that with her at all and i make it really hard to and shes entirely right if i am not in the mood to talk im dismissive mostly ignore her and try to end the conversation so i can go back to whatever im doing. it would be nice if i was different but its just too fucking much. its too much. so now she thinks she cant talk to me about anything. now she has no one. this is why a nuke blowing me and everyone around me the fuck up is a good way to die that way nobody who depends on me will have to live through my death. fuck everything fuck everything fuck everything. every single day i wish my suicide attempt was successful oh my god everything is so fucking hard in the first place and it only gets worse and worse and worse. i decided im going to try and live with a more like...... careless style of thinking because ive been worried about everything and planning for the future since i was a little kid and every single time all i do is worry, act like how i would have if i didnt think about it at all, and then everything works out fine. every single time is like that so i dont want to second guess myself or to be second guessed and i was telling my mom i think im gonna try to get an incomplete on my classes for this semester and that i dont want to be second guessed anymore and that she kind of has done that to me since i was a kid i mean i cant think of a time when i told her “i think im going to do x” and she wasnt like “are you sure” and then she would explain a mistake that she made in the past. and she does it because shes so worried im going to end up like her and she hates herself and her life which makes me feel worse i just fucking dont know anything or care about anything. my therapist has been talking to me about practicing mindfulness and it made me realize that ive been doing that since i was a child im tired of it i want to practice ignorance because confronting things in the way i have been has given me a life of suicidal ideation and more than one attempt. when i come in and tell him this shit i have a feeling hes going to basically tell me “well you must be doing it wrong” in a nice way because he “doesnt believe in there being a right or wrong, only consequences” so fuck it ill get doubted again maybe i dont know what im talking about but it feels like i do every single fucking time and its always made it 10x more difficult because for some reason nobody believes me. i knew i needed medicine to treat my dysthymia since i was 13. i didnt get any until i was 18 because i was a kid and for some reason when youre 18 your body magically reacts to those drugs better. i literally thought that doctors wouldnt prescribe those kinds of medications to people under 18 until my psychiatrist who i visited for the first time just before i turned 18 told me that is not true at all. all of this has led to me not knowing anything. in that sense i dont practice mindfulness. i dont know what i feel i dont feel anything but thats only true sometimes. and again i second guess myself i cant ever ever ever ever just have one single concise thought and be okay with it. its because im constantly in flux maybe because of my personality and mood disorders but if it is who cares knowing whats causing this shit doesnt help me at all. fuck everything death is easier than life somebody grant me my wish fuck you. i only want one abstract thing and thats not something you can work towards so unless i have it or have someone to try working towards it with im not recieving any kind of drive to stay alive. its only worse because i thought i had that but the other person didnt feel the same. its like thaiboy said “every time i get my hopes up always end up get my hopes crushed” but in every case except for that one im the one crushing my hopes for no reason at all. finish me and give me my dream of life give me my 6th strike because i cant bring myself to take it on my own. im starting to get that feeling again. it never went away and ive had it for years actually but its moving into the right spot. just a little bit more and i might actually be okay with giving myself my 6th strike. i dont have anything to constrict my neck with properly now that my mom threw away the fila band thing but i live in alabama dude theres nothing stopiing me from going to a store and buying a gun tomorrow morning i dont see myself getting that far anytime soon maybe ill just try to order some nembutal..... thats like the same amount of planning as it takes to get a gun though if not more actually so its not like thats anymore likely. the korean method was the easiest one that is painless enough for me to be willing to do it and now i dont know what the hell i can use to accomplish that. maybe just a noose made from a sheet or something would work if i could get it tight enough to hold the pressure but thats also too much work and planning and ill fucking second guess myself again and end up not doing it and just giving myself more trouble for having tried.

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ildivine · 3 years

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between watching a lot of youtubers, losing a lot of sleep, and playing a lot of the off-peak games, i feel my creativity blossoming in the abstract way that i strive for.

i at least have come to understand how my creativity is dulled, and what i need to get it going again. its difficult, getting older, and becoming more jaded, and depression in the back of my mind is a noisy buzzing that can only be quelled with alcohol or weed. ive been learning how to deal without the prior, but, mm.

i dreamt about gavin and i think about a lot of people in ways that i don’t get to often talk about. its not like i talk to my therapist about this kind of thing. i havent mentioned the system to any since the last one i trusted treated it like DID, and thats fine for systems that need it, but we don’t work that way, and we never have.

alternatively i do think about myself ... and my past lives, often. i feel my limbs more often and it blends with the dysphoria; its strange to think i get so envious of just being spiritually Aware. ingesting mushrooms is the most helpful thing to me, and i know i mute my own sixth sense with doubt.

ive isolated myself from others quite a bit, as ive been mean again. im learning to appreciate the time i spend with dean and connor, even if it is every day. i miss connor every time i wake up without zem next to me, especially after weekends when i really get used to it.

our one year is coming up in july and ze thought aloud to me about marriage and we gently brushed over it. ze said something along the lines of “well, i wanted to wait for a better opportunity...” which, understandable.

one day ill be able to afford nice things like real rings and wedding ceremonies, but the last week of cleaning up my room, and throwing a lot of things out, made me realize what focusing on survival really means. i told myself that in 2021 i would focus on letting go, and its still hard. letting go of friends, and loved ones, and things, old stuff, its all the same, i have such an emotional attachment that it gets tangled in my head and my emotions. connors told me constantly to buy necessities and i brushed em off ... so im glad a friend helped us make up for it.

its embarrassing and its frustrating to rely on my money for things that others dont see as necessary. alcohol quells my twitching but i do have an addiction to it cuz i simply like to drink til i cant anymore, n im still learning that boundary. weed, i cant really explain what it does for me, cuz it is unusual. simple things like helping my appetite and sleep, two major things i struggle with a lot, as well as giving me inspiration to get up in the mornings, or do anything at all. right now it is medical in new mexico and i have a PTSD diagnosis, and when i smoke, it quiets the voices in my head screaming at me about wanting to die. i dont know how common this is, but its one of the things i struggle with financially. to survive. even with all of my antidepressants and anxiety medications, mental illness still lingers, and i think the more i delve into new media as well as reflect on past lives and old memories, my brain is in a very strange place. but ive come to appreciate that it is strange, i am strange, and i have mental illness, and i probably wont ever be able to silence it. i can take out my desire to cut my own skin open by watching dissection videos, and then im also learning and absorbing new information along the way.

when im not absolutely drunk on a tank of heavy alcohol, i can focus. i appreciate that i lost the years of 2018-2020 mostly due to how much i was drinking, on top of a medication that was already terrible for my memory. but the other day i went through my mood charts over those years, where i wrote down how i was, and although i drank daily and felt guilty about it, my mood was generally stable.

unfortunately its very expensive and unhealthy, and the inevitable withdrawals make me worse off than i started with. my therapist considers me drinking as playing with fire, but ive learned how to consume responsibly; dean and i can stop after a six pack and itll put us to sleep, but ill always want another beer, even in the back of my mind. That slight buzz from the mimosa that Connor drank and melted into was likely most of the reason ze could actually start dozing off, and we were half craving another for fun and relaxation, but i thought “i probably wont be able to sleep tonight without another drink”.

and i was right, and i acknowledge that its a problem. so ive tried to find that sensation from other things like hops tea and carbonated water (ew, its still not good, honestly dsjfsdj) or kombuchas, because it triggers the same response in my brain without.. melting my organs. did u kno ur liver is FUCKING HUGE n its also the only organ that can heal itself?? the cells reconstruct differently than scar tissue usually binds together n i just think thats Neat.meme

jokes aside, i think its also why my liver is Fine despite the fact ive drank since i was 13 years old, minus the year of rehab sobriety. That was also my Only year of sobriety. Digging into my alcoholism ive done a lot of questioning as to why i rely on it, and i think it is a lot to do with being addicted to being drunk, and i think its also a lot to do with ‘wow, i can finally turn my brain off! the thing thats yelling at me all the time, feeling scared and sad,” but drinking is also essentially a boost of stress hormones, so when the endorphins wear off, u get sad or anxious all over again. ive come to learn that i only withdrawal or get hangovers if i drink more than, i guess the recommended amount by doctors. 3 glasses of wine will now do me in, dean can power thru anything regardless of what hes drinking, but it does affect the health in ways i cant ignore.

i enjoy drugs, i think is the bottom line. i look up how to get a hold of psychedelic mushrooms cuz u can just get em in the mail if ur in a country where its decriminalized (hint: we’re not) n immediately the results are between getting help for addiction or how magic mushrooms help depression in low doses.

i really have a theme here. im still mad that my parents induced my reliance on all these substances and i know i would be a lot better off if i didnt drink til i was 21 or never smoked cigarettes, and i accept im always gonna crave these things regardless, but i only feel creative when i drink or smoke, and thats another problem with addicts because u fry ur neurons hard enough it all dies down. ive appreciated watching videos and playing games when i am in the comatose, apathetic stage of depression like i have been in recently, where i cant force myself to do anything and even fronting someone else to do it takes energy that quickly dies down.

my energy has died quickly since i went vegan, as my nails have chipped since, so im experimenting with my diet. my taste pallet cant handle dairy anymore, and connor was only here to try it, and i think we all discovered we just... dont wanna do that. but eating fish again helped my energy and brought a glow back to my skin. too much, however, still gives me the greasy meat sweats, so... a lil bit of everything seems to be whats right.

i still crash a lot, but i think thats just a side effect of being 28 in this generation and feeling 68 instead.

anyway, now that my room is FINALLY clean and looking nice, i want to try to do art again. i miss art. i miss thinking in images, i miss my imagination, i miss roleplaying and writing and drawing and arting. conny wanted to paint too but was absolutely too tired on sunday lol n i respect that so maybe tonight we can get something together.

but its been nice to feel something in my brain stirring again that isnt just the gross black buzz of mental illness constantly telling me to die. i get used to it, i guess. i forget its not supposed to happen because i have survived it for so long. im on the max dose of antidepressants and medicine i can take and i still feel really bad sometimes, but i didnt realize it until other people brought it up. stress definitely kicks me into my big bipolar mood swings, but i havent shaken off the depression in months. im not sure what to do so im trying to expand my horizons.

#>>.txt #drugs text #i GUESS #i dont rly consider them drugs but i understand they can b used recreationally...#and often are #but i think of it like taking advantage of benzos #theres no real need for neurotypicals i guess

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noctomania · 5 years

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my landlord needs to shit or get off the pot. he's been tiptoeing around eviction for months now. He's made sure to let me know that I would be allowed to stay but that we (meaning me) have ti replace the other two.

Well guess what. he needs to first tell them as much. and he hasnt. it has been like 2 weeks since he said he intended to terminate their tenancy. nothing. no notice yet. which is leaving me with less and less time to get reliable people.

this process is fairly simple....if people pulk their own fucking weight. so now im anticipating all kinds of disaster. let us run through the list of my anxieties, shall we:

1- the same things happening again. from the process of finding people to the point we're at now. Most if not all can be attributed to people not giving me advanced enough notice and people dropping the ball and everything resulting in me having to repeat a process i should only have had to do once 3 times.

2- me ending up in a tight place and having to give up most of my belongings as well as a big chunk of my savings. if i dont have time i cant find someone and then i will have no choice but to move and since it will be at the tail end of things then i would probably not end up with a nice place. ill have to settle for whatever i can get.

3- winding up with shitty roommates again. the reason i have the shitty roommate to begin with is that she was the only option i had left. she was nowhere on my priority list.my first pick which was a couple who were going to take both rooms and would have made my life 10x easier - the landlord dropped the ball and didnt call them so they took another deal. i had to start interviews all over again and in the end i had to settle for 2 unemployed people.

4- late notice to terminate may cause backlash from my current roommates. the worst of the two has an attitude problem and im not confident she would maintain any level of maturity in the process. i have no doubt she will make the entire process much more difficult than it needs to be and that she may even dig her heels in and claim that we have no right to not renew her lease. even though nobody wants her here. she also has SO. MUCH. SHIT. i fear it will take her ages to get it out. i wont hesitate to have it removed and/or donated if she tries it though.

5- insecurity. one of my current roommates has had lots of various people in and out. im not 100% confident that people who arent on the lease dont have keys. so i will likely be requesting a replacement lock so i dont have strangers letting themselves in. even though im fairly confident absolutely no rental unit ive ever lived in ever changed their locks. ill also need to make sure nobody is still on our wifi cuz i know that has been a circus.

6- wreckage. IF we can get them out on time and IF i dont suffer any personal issues, i will likely still have to clean up after them. as i had to for the last roommates. i honestly don't know how bad their rooms are. i worry mostly about one over the other because i know she never cleans her room. Also im worried they will also be both careless and rushed while they move and cause damages to occur. technically i do know how to properly repair minor damages like an accidental hole in drywall, but id really rather not. im not sure how willing my landlord would be to have someone come by.

7- either one of them making this longer and harder than it has to be. as it is it is a lot of time and effort to find people and process them. if i have to deal with someone trying some bullshit like making up a case of why the landlord isnt allowed to do this -- i may go insane. they both have tried to make false claims that the landlord was up to shady business when he would inform me when either one of them hadnt paid rent, so i wouldnt put it past them to try and make a case out of it simply to buy time. one of them i know has no issue with lying to people's faces so, we'll have to see.

8- the stress renders me ill and makes doing any of this that much more of an uphill battle. or i totally lose it and become unable to function at all.

9- current roommates trying to sabotage the chance of pinning anyone down by making false claims or dramatizing something when i show them the rooms.

10- idk if i can think of one for this but i needed it to be an even 10 because who stops at 9? perhaps this worry is that rent will go up with a new contract. i have signed 3 times now and never has he raised the rent which im eternally grateful for but with the bumassness of my current roommates i worry that he will have a change of heart and up rent as insurance.

I hate waiting. I hate having to just sit on my thumb because whoever is in my way is sitting on their thumbs. i want to tackle my problems not wait til they get worse. if i can tackle it now why wait?? normally i procrastinate a lot but not when it comes to ensuring i have a roof over my head and food in my cupboard. if the landlord doesn't get in gear im not gonna stick around. as much as i want to save money that wont happen if im the only one doing anything productive. im beyond tired of having to pick up after everyone else. you either show gratitude in the form of taking control of your responsibilities or im OUT.

im slightly sad too because i had been lookin at apartments before my current landlord said hed be kickin the others out and there was a place that had a study included with the bedroom. i was offered the spot but i had to turn them down because of the landlords promise and because i didnt want to spend more money than i needed to. While i can mend some of my woes by focusing on potential downsides to have taken that place, i cant ignore the fact that i would have been freed of so much responsibility.

we'll see. i emailed the landlord to try and kick him in the behind so hopefully that has some effect. now is not the time to test my patience.

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anything-advice-blog · 6 years

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[TIME SENSITIVE / URGENT] toxic friend

i kno u guys must get like thousands of messages and im so sorry for cluttering ur inbox and pushing this to the front of the line but im just. desperate and really scared and i need to know what 2 do abt this as soon as possible!!! also as a preface i apologize in advance if some of the way i word things in this come off as offensive or incorrect, etc - i truly, genuinely do not mean any harm so please feel free to correct me if i say something that isnt okay!!! also this is REALLY scattered and mega long so bear with me im really sorry! (also im so. so scared the person in question is gonna see this o H MY GOD so i may need to message this blog again asking for this post to be taken down maybe bc im really paranoid im so sorry!! i hope thats ok but i just dont want to risk her seeing this if this all blows up in my face ohrkjdghkjghfdgj!!!) (TW: SUICIDE MENTION, SELF HARM MENTION)

ok so. almost 2 years ago in early 2016 this girl i’d never met before drew me this incredible gift art for my birthday. we started talking and we found out we have a lot of things in common - we both draw and write, we’re just a few months apart from each other in age, we have similar interests and fandoms, n we live less than an hour away from each other and are one state away from one another - so we immediately hit it off n became super close friends. she was amazingly talented n super friendly and nice n stuff so i wanted 2 be friends w her anyways!!!!! @ the time she was in an online relationship with someone several years older than her who lived across the country, and she mentioned a few times she was feeling unhappy and insecure in that relationship and that long distance was really difficult but she was too devoted to her partner to break it off. the most important thing 2 note is that my friend has several severe untreated mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, ocd among others), regularly self harms, and is suicidal. im pretty sure im neurotypical (or at least i definitely am not suicidal / depressed, etc), so while i couldnt relate to a lot of the things she was going through, i always tried to be a listening ear to her and give her advice / support when i could because i knew she was going through a lot of rough stuff. she told me she doesnt have any friends in real life, her parents are separated and her family does not support her or even really know / care about her mental health, and she can’t access any professional help from teachers / counselors / therapists due to her severe anxiety and financial issues for some of the latter options listed. as her relationship with her partner began to crumble, i started bearing a lot of the weight of her struggles - she would vent to me and i would always have to be there for her to support her. i told myself that because she was mentally ill and didnt have any support i would take on that role so she wouldnt have to suffer. over the summer of 2016 she almost attempted suicide like…. twice??? and i talked her out of it and it was terrifying and really exhaustimg to constantly be worried about her.

then almost a year ago, in the winter of 2016, she started getting… clingy? we started talking a lot more and i didnt really get like any bad vibes from her but we were pretty much joined @ the hip and stuff and we started telling each other all of our secrets (so this is when i found out her relationship with her girlfriend was starting to crumble, which i didnt previously know) also she started constantly drawing me stuff??? like Drowning me in gift art and i felt really bad for not being able to reciprocate but she told me not to worry and that she used art as a coping method and stuff. at this time, i was going through some stuff too - obviously not as severe as depression / self harming, etc, but i had just gotten out of an almost-relationship with someone i knew from school, and i was doing my best to distance myself from romance in general since i didnt feel mature or confident enough to be in a romantic relationship yet. i told my friend that i was uncomfortable about the prospect of being in a romantic relationship and she seemed to understand.

anyways right around my birthday this year she revealed to me that she was madly in love with me (???!!?!?!?!?!!?!!?). mind you we had never even talked to each other / video called or ANything like that and we had only sent each other One (1) selfie and. it made me really uncomfortable because she said that like i was her moon and stars and her whole world and everything and she constantly dreamed of me??? and that she had been secretly like writing me love poetry and drawing me Even More Art i didnt even know about and…… it was. really overwhelming. it bothered me for so many reasons besides the fact that we had never communicated outside of like chatting / sending messages back nd forth like…. ok she was still in that long distance relationship at the time even though it was crumbling, and she KNEW!!! that i was uncomfortable about romance but she told me anyways and stuff!!!!!! and AHHH it was just really bad. so i panicked over it for a day or two because i was scared that if i Firmly Said No that she would spiral into a depressive episode and actually fatally harm this time but i wrote her this huge long letter letting her down very, very, VERY gently and apologizing for ever leading her on and stuff. and. she never actually wrote back to that letter or told me that it was okay???? which….. should have been a red flag 2 me but. we moved on as friends even though we did this conscious of the fact that she still loved me like that and i didnt feel the same way. looking back on it i regret it so much because i told her that like i would Always Be There For Her Forever and stuff and??? gfkjhgk yeah it wasnt a good time.

its been almost a year since then. in the spring i got my first smartphone and we added each other on a lot of social media stuff including snapchat and moved all our conversations there, then we decided to call each other and exchange phone numbers and see how that worked. i didnt really think much of it and was excited to hear her voice and have a conversation with her but…….. suddenly that one call turned into two and two turned into three and within a few weeks we were calling each other like All The Time (at least once a week if not more) and like making these really fucking elaborate schedules to call each other????? WHICH LIKE i dont think is a normal thing friends do idk if im wrong but!!!!! i literally call None of my other friends except for her, and a lot of that is bc i actually get really anxious and uncomfortable talking on the phone?? (also not to mention my mom doesnt really like me talking on the phone either….) but i never really told her that it made me uncomf or that it was difficult to mnge like i guess it just kinda.. Happened and became the norm. so now on top of constantly messaging each other multiple times a day now we were calling frequently too and there was suddenly a lot more pressure in our relationship because i had to stress out over making a large amount of time in my day to talk to her. i graduated high school this spring and having to balance the extreme emotional load of that major change with like… suddenly having to fall all over myself to make time to talk to this girl i didnt even really know?? was just really bad and i regret it so much because i feel like i missed out on fully experiencing it i guess. im really really passive and im TERRIFIED of confrontation and i dont like saying no to people or telling them if im uncomfortable because They Will Get Mad At Me and it was especially worse bc of my friend’s mental health and so she and i would talk for hours on end because i was afraid that if i got tired and ended the conversation without a legitimate excuse she would get mad at me and hurt herself. since we could fit way more conversation into like… long long hours of talking and talking, we ended up like. just telling each other literally Everything and she “eventually” fell out of love with me and started trying to meet people who she actually knew irl to date!! which was. kinda good bc she met this one girl and they hit it off but then it turns out she was just….. queerbaiting my friend??? which Sucked so that obviously didnt work out. and then she met another girl on this dating app and they started going out and my friend started talking to me less for a little while. it turns out though……. that my friend’s new girlfriend lives in my town??? like i dont know her but bc of that my friend and i almost met in person bc the two of them met up and went out together and stuff and they were gonna drop by and see me but that didnt work out. im getting off topic here but my point is……… she told me she wasnt in love with me anymore and she started seeing other people.

sadly she and her gf recently broke up. their relationship was also really unhealthy just like…… All Of Her Relationships and that other girl broke up with my friend because she said she needed space (she was depressed too and needed to recover and my friend was being too clingy and attention seeking and stuff so she just ended it in the middle of the night over text.) ofc ive stuck around for all of this and my friend has vented about every tiny detail of this relationship to me and its…. been So Stressful. now that shes single again she’s more depressed than ever - over the summer when she was dating that other girl she stopped self harming but she started again when their relationship started going south and now im really scared she’s gonna hurt herself, esp bc she tried to commit suicide again a few months ago which was terrifying. also another thing thats made me REALLY uncomfortable!!!!!!!! is that she Keeps Bringing Up the fact that she was in love with me whenever we talk on the phone??? like Every Single Time We Talk, Without Fail. even when she was talking abt her new gf with me sh was like. comparing her attraction to her gf to her attraction to Me and talking abt how they were similar and different and. i never had the guts to tell her it bothered me but god it just does So So Much!!!!! because we were never in a real relationship and she doesnt even really know me KDSJFHKHGAHHH im rambling so much this makes no sense at all and this is so long im so sorry ahhhh but im… Stressed!

so….. we’re running up on two years since we’ve met and one year since she told me she loved me. im in college now and she’s still in high school, and she’ll be i college next year too. again, i dont think that im depressed or mentally ill, but ive been struggling a LOT with the adjustment from hs to college and its been really really rough on me emotionally. now that my friend is single she’s been solely relying on me and trying to get me to call her multiple times a week because she needs the extra support now that she doesnt have her girlfriend anymore… but she doesnt seem to understand that i i just dont have enough time or energy to give all of myself to her and fall all over myself to make her feel better, especially when i already feel suffocated by her to begin with AND when im suppposed to be starting this new life and putting all of my focus into that. we’re mutuals on every single social media i have and i feel like im constantly being crushed by guilt whenever i do anything for myself or post stuff bc she can see what im doing constantly. and like she asked me to turn my read receipts on when we started moving from snapchat to texting and i have them turned off regularly so i did and it was really uncomfortable. i keep bending myself over backwards to mke sure im making her happy bc im all she has left.

neither of us have good relationships with our moms and so we’re always sneaking around to call each other and lately ive been calling her at school because obviously my mom isnt there and its less of a hassle to sneak around her and and talk……. but its a double edged sword bc i keep having to isolate myself and skip clubs / studying / hanging out with friends and socializing to talk to her and listen to her vent and its just so exhausting and i feel like im starting to seriously fall behind in other areas of my life im supposed to be getting better in. its hard enough adjusting to this and missing high school and stuff and trying to learn how to be an adult and be independent, and having her weight over my shoulders just is making things so much worse. but if i tell her that she’s choking me she’ll hurt herself (she’s literally said to me, Multiple Times (and recently!!!) that if it werent for me she’d be dead by now or she would kill herself and stuff and im the only thing she’s living for at this point. which. i dont know how to feel about that). i feel so trapped and i can’t say or do anything that indicates that im uncomfortable because she’ll get mad at me and make these passive agressive little side comments or do these alarmed emoticons and stuff or give me the silent treatment for a day or two (which is always scary bc like its Good when she’s not talking to me but when she doesnt im scared that something horrible happened to her!!!!!) and its just. god. ive started lying to her and coming up with fake excuses to get out of calling her because the thought of having to go isolate myself in these empty courtyards or nooks and crannies of my college campus is growing more and more uncomfortable and terrifying to me and i just cant fucking be honest about it because i suck. when i talk on the phone with her i have to be really fake and smiley and stuff and all she does is ramble about how horrible things are going for her and then i have to try and give advice when i just am so bad at talking and socializing already and im dealing w my own stuff and its… Awful. im so so weighed down by this nd i know that if she knew she’s being a…. b*rden to me right now she would be devastated and harm herself and stuff so i cant say anything and im spiraling out of control with THI s but you get the point im just really uncomfortable Always!!!! and i feel like my own emotions are completely 100000% inferior to hers because she’s gone through so much more than me and stuff???? and idk if thats True or if its just the way i feel but i just cant do anything around her bc shes like a ticking time bomb and anything i feel or try to do to protect myself from getting hurt will be selfish bc shes hurting way mre than me!!!!!!!!

anyways her birthday just happened a couple weeks ago and i bought her a tiny present and drew her somehting (i felt super guilty about not doing More for it though because shes done so much for me and also literally nobody except me remembered her birthday, not even really her own family). i havent mailed it to her yet (i told her i would send it this weekend, which is why this is marked as urgent) but we just exchanged addresses for the first time so now she not only knows my name, my age, what i look like, my Entire Backstory Ft. My Deepest Darkest Secrets, and how to reach me whenever she wants wherever she wants, but now she knows Exactly where i live and where i go to school too lol yay!!! anyways im getting really really anxious because i just had my midterms for college and didnt talk to her for an entire week last week but this happened right after her gf broke up with her and i think shes mad at me for taking a week off of talking to her. we were gonna call again today but i weaseled my way out of it bc it was so overwhelming and now i have to mail her this gift this weekend and my mom and other fmily members are all yelling at me about it and demanding that i just like…. Not Send It To Her because i dont owe her anything and tht i should just cut her off but if i do she’ll hurt herself nd she follows me everywhere and knows all of my secrets and stuff and idk im just scared that if i end our friendship she’ll try to ruin my life!!!! Like i dont think she would be petty like that or turn people against me or anything but she’s so obsessed with giving all of herself to other people nd she’s literally said she cant function without being 100000% devoted to somebody and like even after she’s broken up with all these other girls she still…. is obsessed with them and angsts over them and stuff and she does that with me even though i never even dated her or anything aND ITS JUST bad

like. idk i just really needed to get all of that out and im sorry it was so so so long and i dont even know what to do but i guess i marked this urgent because like. do i send her the present???? should i try to just like quietly distance myself from her real subtly so she wont notice or should i just straight up tell her that i cant breathe around her anymore and i just. really need space??? or like to not be friends anymore even though we know everything about each other??? am i being manipulated or is it jsut All In My Head that our relationship is toxic??? like idk if i shoud even cut her off completely or aNYTHING or if we could like even go on being just acquaintances from now on and saying hi to each other from time to time. and i feel so mean and bad for writin all of thisstuff about her when i know shses so vulnerable and i havent concretely communicated Any discomfort around her so if she saw this she would immediately know it was about her and do something Terrible to herself nd she constantly spams me with memes about depression and wanting to die and like…. blows up my phone with like 50 text messages at once and its just so so so much to worry about and i!!! just!!!!!! cant function like this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH!!

anyways that was a huge disorganized mess and im kinda shaking and i dont even think i got all of it down or communicated how trapped and helpless i feel. ive never been in any situation like this before and i hate that she’s…. yeah. she’s really like manipulated me and stuff and i dont know how to get out of it. every time i think about it i feel like bursting into tears because im just so stuck and i dont even know if the way im feeling is even valid or if its all just lke. in my head or something and this is how friends really are Supposed to be because ive never really had a great social life either and my best friends are honestly my brother and sister and they mean everything to me and so i have friends outside of my family but like idk i never like. really was that close with any of them nad stuff nad idk this isnt about me BUT i just uhhh. am kinda crying a little bit and im sorry fo rbeig a big baby about all of this its all my fault for being a Human Doormat and letting people walk all over me nd tellin myself that i can bear that weight when i really have never taken good care of myself before Ever In My Life and stuff. but anyways im gonna stop rambling now and just… to whoever reads this or responds to this or whatever just thank you for hearing me out even if you think im wrong / crazy / Terrible for feeling this way because it just has been so much and i dont know what to do.

Hey there!

There's a lot going on here, but the bottom line seems to be this; you're in a friendship that you don't want to be in, and that you feel is unhealthy for you.

You are not her therapist. You can't fix her, you can't treat her, you can support her, but that's it. You aren't responsible for her. You're forcing yourself to put all this time and energy into something that you're super uncomfortable with, and don't want to be doing, and it's draining you and destroying your own mental health. You have to put yourself first. It's okay to want to help people, but you HAVE to put yourself first, or else you'll burn out and you won't be able to help anybody.

At the very least, you need to talk to her about how you're feeling, and tell her you need to tone down your relationship. What's happening absolutely isn't fair to you. All you can do to help her is your best, and right now, you're not doing your best because you're not taking care of yourself.

I know you're concerned about her hurting herself or killing herself, but you have to understand that you are not responsible for her. If she does something to herself, it's not as a result of your actions. She's traumatized and mentally ill, and those factors are what causes her to hurt herself. Not you. You are not and can not be responsible for her. Period. If she tells you she's going to kill herself or severely hurt herself, you have her address. Call 911 and ask them to dispatch help to her house. She might hate you for it, but an angry person is far, far better than a dead person. That action very well might save her life, and get her the help that she needs, so don't be afraid to do it.

As for the present, it's totally up to you. You did promise it to her, and fulfilling that promise might help you let her down a little bit more gently. At the same time, giving her a permanent reminder of you could hurt her. Maybe you should ask her? Tell her about how you're feeling and that you can't keep going with this intense of a relationship, and have a conversation about that. During that conversation, you could ask if she still wants the present. She might get angry, or it could help soothe her, or maybe she'll have a totally different reaction. It's hard to know.

This conversation is going to be super, super hard. It's going to be hell, quite frankly. She's a super sensitive person, and she's probably not going to take it well. So remember what I said before, about her not being your responsibility, and do a LOT of self care working up to the conversation and after the conversation. I'd recommend making a self care kit, and putting things in it that help calm you down. My personal self care kit contains nice smelling lotion, soft fabric, stuff to play with, gum, tea bags, and notes from friends reminding me that they love me. You could also be texting a friend during the conversation, so that they can reassure you and help talk you through it.

You may not be going through the same things she is, but your feelings and your struggles are valid. You don't need to destroy yourself to help someone that's "worse" than you are. You need to take care of yourself, and keep yourself as healthy as possible. You aren't any less valuable simply because you're not traumatized or self harming. Your mental health is important, and you need to do what's right for you.

I hope this helps!

♥ - Fawn

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georgielou-50913 · 7 years

Text

a sad questionnaire

What do you wish was different?

My life. I wish things had turned out different, I wish my family wasnt so against me, i wish i wasnt so damaged, i wish i was a better person. i wish everything about my life was different, just not him. he is perfect. he is the ONLY thing keeping me alive, keeping me going. but god i wish things were different.

What’s the hardest part about that?

things cannot change. i am too damaged, and unless you can bring back my little girl i will never be able to feel any different. so im better off dead yeah? things could be a little different if i didn't live here. but thats not going to change for a very long time.

Are you thinking about anything bad that might happen?

so many things? so work hasnt been greatly lately i havent been getting the hours i need. my nan (who i live with) has basically told me if i cant pay the rent ill be homeless. my boyfriend has a big family and stays with his parents so theres nothing they can do for me, they dont have the room. i couldnt pay my rent last month, and i dont know if im going to be able to this month either. i cant afford to live in my own place nor can i make that decision because i dont know if ill ever be able to pay the rent. i am not getting any work, no where near enough. not even 200 quid per month. last month i earnt 140 quid, i get paid by the hour and theres no work. im trying so hard to find a new job but its not that easy anymore. shes making my life hell every single day and there is nothing i can do. if im homeless i will just throw myself off a bridge.

What was the sad bit there for you?

being stuck in this house, that i cannot change, being spoken down to every day, all day. getting inside my head telling me how useless and worthless i am, basically i was better off dead.

What are you thinking might go wrong here?

as above..... im going to become homeless, if not this month then next month? i cant pay everything, im in debt. i cant even pay my phone bill. i cant afford to pay anything, nothing at all. my boyfriend helped me last month and left himself in further debt. i cant do that to him, he cant afford to keep us both going when he sis struggling to keep himself going.

What else has happened that makes this worse?

my uncle recently went into hospital, and me and luke did absolutely everything we did to help him and my nan, but now that luke has no money and is running on barely any petrol.. i said i may not be able to help for a while and basically this has caused a huge storm at home for me, she will not allow my boyfriend in the house anymore and is basically ruining my life now, coming into my room several times a day to rip the shit out of me, reminding me every hour how much she hates me and i feel like im stuck in an incredibly bad emotional abusive relationship and there truly is no way out, im already stressed as it is, i keep breaking into tears all the time. i didnt say i WOULDNT help i just said that it was going to be a bit harder, i didnt deserve the way she spoke to me or the way she is treating me, especially luke.

Do you know why you feel upset about this, or do you just feel upset?

i think ive explained all that above. basically its a neverending thing of talking down to me and telling me how worthless i am and im fat, and stupid, and selfish, and evil and mean, i am better off dead. why was i even born? to suffer? why me.

What is the worst thing about that?

the worst thing is its my own nan who is making me feel this way. the one lady i have looked up to my whole life and would do anything for. and she is making me want to die.

What else is hard about that situation?

its put a lot of strain on all my other realtionships, i have tried to break up with luke on several occassions when that isnt even what i want to do. that is not what i want i just dont want him getting mixed up in all this situation. im trying to protect him aswell. but i dont want him to see me this way, ive lost my appetite i dont want to eat, im letting myself go completely i could just sleep all day, sleep forever.

Do you feel more sad/hurt/angry/worried about that or some other feeling?

ive suffered depression most of my life anyway but i always fight it you know? this time i cant shake it, ive been suffering for months and its getting worse, with a strong history of self harming i havent resorted to that yet, but its becoming more and more appealing, and this time ive relied more on alcohol than hurting myself, because self harm is only short term relief, alcohol lets me forget for the whole day and i can relax. i just dont think im going to break it this time.

Are you worried about people thinking this?

i dont really have anyone to talk to, i dont want lukes family thinking im a bad influence for him to be with, although they say they are there to listen, especially his sister, i dont want to be a burden and i dont want to vent all this on them, i dont want advice. i dont want help. well i do.... but what can they really do to help me? i have to be careful of what i write on social media.... i am not attention seeking, more like a cry for help.

On a scale from 1-10, how worried/upset/mad/scared/hurt are you about this?

10. .....way more than 10.. i want to die.

Okay, so how about compared to this other thing? What is worse

both the fear of being homeless and the constant abuse im getting by staying here. the fact of me being stuck in this house being told every day all day how worthless i am, is the worse, its classed as emtoional abuse, making someone want to die is bad. i dont know if she realises this is what she is doing. i cant really compare. not knowing whether im going to be homeless at the end of the month is terrifying, where will i go? i cant say which is worse, because both are as bad as eachother.

When you aren't busy/when you are lying in bed at night - what are the things that make you most upset?

not knowing whether im going to get work the next day, wondering if its going to be enough. wondering whether tomorrow will be easier, i share a room with my nan so i get constant abuse right from the minute i wake up to the second i fall asleep. its neverending.

Is there anything about this you feel embarrassed or ashamed about?

the fact that my own nan is ruining my life? tearing me apart. ripping my heart into pieces... ashamed. yes.

What are the some of the things you're worried people might be thinking about you?

i dont want her to tell people that i was selfish, i never said i wouldnt help. we have done so much for the past couple weeks, and before. she is making it sound like we did nothing, and that all we cared about was money, she barely gave us anything, and what she did was purely for petrol because we have absolutely no money atall... so its been incredibly hard. we did these things because we wanted to help. and shes thrown it all back in our faces. i cant forgive that. but now she tells people that i am selfish, that i did nothing to help. that i did not want to help and this was not the case atall.

How often are you feeling upset about it?

it doesnt go away, when i have her constantly reminding me all day that i am a worthless useless horrible evil nasty fat useless waste of space. it doesnt end. i am getting worse.

What do you wish you could change about yourself in all of this?

i wish i could be as special as my sister, she is so proud of her. i wish she could of been proud of me too, i made some mistakes in life, and i pay for them everyday. i wish you could be proud of me too. thats all i ever wanted to hear from you, not how you wish youd never adopted me into your home.

What makes you feel a bit better about all of this?

having luke by my side.

What's the most frustrating part of it all?

I cannot defend myself with the way she talks to me, because if i do id get thrown out in seconds. then what do i do? Ive also badgered on at my boss to give me more work, explained my situation and all they say is there is no more work to give me. ive been applying for other jobs for months and had a few interviews but its just not worked out. i dont know what else to do.

What do you think people don't understand about this?

there is only so much you can push someone. and i am at the very end, i speak to people but they just tell me to either ignore it or find another job. no it is not that fucking simple! how do you ignore someone who is constantly in your face reminding you of how shit you are every single day.

What would make this a little better?

if i could move into lukes house, he tells me if i become homeless that would happen, but i dont think he is right, his parents have already said theyd love to take me in but there genuinely is no room. i just want to get away fromt this place.

What is coming up in your week that will be hard because of this?

well i have another week till payday, that is the day i find out my fate i suppose. am i going to be homeless again..

When was the last time you cried about this?

today, ive lost count how many times ive cried today, cried myself to sleep last night, ive been crying everyday.

What helps you cope?

tumblr, online games, working, music, tv shows, anything to occupy myself. but its all short lived.

What times of day are the hardest for you?

the times im not working, today i have absolutely no work at all so i have t be stuck here all day listening to abuse. tomorrow i will be working in the morning then again tomorrow evening, then ill be staying at lukes house this weekend and ill be working over the weekend so ill not have much time to think about it. but during the day is the hardest. because i have to just endure it. waiting for the time to pass. tomorrow ill only have a few hours here. but ive still gotta get through the night.

#personal

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