#advice welcome if you have it but mostly i'm just venting and don't want to make a big deal of it to my offline friends
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for the past 3-4 days i've consistently been getting a headache at c.7pm that lasts into the early hours of the morning and isn't helped at all by painkillers. REALLY hoping it's a weird coincidence and not just the way i live now.
#i'm hoping it's just a bug and the timing''s bc 7pm's when i get tired enough for it to catch up with me...?#otherwise i'm not sure there's a common factor that's specific to the past week#advice welcome if you have it but mostly i'm just venting and don't want to make a big deal of it to my offline friends#since hopefully it's just a very temporary nuisance#but right now it does feel like it's been going on for eternity and will continue for eternity
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Sweet Like Butterbeer
Aesop Sharp x Reader – 5 k words
Aesop sits at his desk, working on papers. He sighs.
"Hey! How is my favourite teacher?" I smile at him.
"Great ..." His sarcasm is dripping as he looks back down at his papers. "Anything else?"
I roll my eyes. "Nice as always. That's why I like you."
"Well at least you're consistent." He sighs exasperatedly, pushing some papers away. "What do you actually need?"
"Nothing. I'm bored, so I thought it would be fun to keep you from your work." I grin.
"Well, you are absolutely succeeding at that. I must applaud you." He shakes his head and leans back in his chair. "Do you think I'm some sort of entertainment for you?"
"You're very welcome. Thanks for the applause." I skip his last question.
Aesop just groans in exasperation and sighs. "You are incredibly annoying, you know that."
"Yes, I know. That's why you like me too." I grin widely. Long live sarcasm!
"I most certainly do not!" He huffs slightly, trying to hide a slight grin.
I wink at him. "Oh, I know you do. You just don't want to admit it."
"Absolutely not!" Aesop huffs again, crossing his arms. "You are very egotistical if you think everyone who finds you annoying enjoys your annoyingness."
I sit down at his desk, putting my head in my hands. Then I smile at him. "I know very well that nobody likes it. That's why I like doing it."
"Well then you, my dear student, are simply a menace." Aesop narrows his eyes as he looks at me. "You enjoy irritating the people around you? What a life to live ..."
I raise an eyebrow. "Says the one who spends day and night in his office doing paperwork he doesn't like."
Aesop is first speechless at my response. After a few moments, he looks back at me, smirking. "Touché ..."
I grin and place two Butterbeer bottles on his desk.
"So that's why you've been bothering me." He chuckles and takes a swig of the Butterbeer and relaxes at least a bit. "Are you trying to bribe me now?"
"Of course. First I'll piss you off and then I'll bribe you with a bottle of Butterbeer." I laugh.
"That's not how bribes work, child." He rolls his eyes. "But I will graciously accept the drink, nonetheless. It's certainly better than just bothering me for the sake of bothering me.'
I raise an eyebrow. "The king of sarcasm doesn't recognize his own specialty? Are you sure you're okay?"
"I am very much not okay." He sighs, finishing off the bottle of Butterbeer. "The leg isn't getting better, and this office is becoming more and more piled with paper by the day ..."
I drink my Butterbeer and listen to him.
"I've tried every treatment available to me. Spells, potions, a trip to St Mungo's ... nothing seems to have helped." He sighs again and put the Butterbeer down. "I suppose there are worse things in life than a bad leg. I feel a bit foolish for complaining. But it has just been so ... frustrating ..." He sighs a third time. "It's been getting me down ..."
I put a new Butterbeer on the table without comment.
"And here I am, thinking you came for no reason ..." He chuckles and takes a sip. "I suppose it is nice to have someone to complain to. Do you think it makes me childish to want to vent like this?" He looks up at the ceiling as he thinks about it. "I feel as if I'm getting old too quickly. That my best years have left me in the past ..."
"Men are like wine, they get better with age." I grin and take a sip of my Butterbeer.
"Do you honestly believe that?" He chuckles softly. "I suppose you're trying to cheer me up. But if I'm like wine, right now I'm more of a vinegar, than anything sweet."
As I hear that, I burst out laughing.
"Good to know you find my misery humorous ..." He chuckles, but he is mostly joking. "At least I can make you laugh." He takes another swig of the Butterbeer. "You seem like you'd know this better than most, but do you have any advice for someone who feels like they're losing their mind a bit?"
"Why do you think you're losing your mind?" I look at him curiously
"I just ... it's hard to stay the positive, upbeat professor I like to be when it feels like everything is crumbling." He sighs as so often, and leans back in his chair. "I don't even like to admit that I'm not always fine ... I just wish things could be easier." He pauses as he thinks about it. "I suppose I'm just tired of pretending everything is okay."
"Don't do it then." I finish my Butterbeer and open another bottle. "It's okay not to be okay."
He looks at me, seeming surprised by what I just said. "You mean ... just admit that things aren't fine? That seems ... so simple. And obvious." He thinks for a moment. "Is it really okay to admit that? To admit you're not okay?"
"Sure. Why not?"
"Well ... I suppose you're right, aren't you?" He chuckles and takes another swig of his Butterbeer. "I suppose I could admit to it ..." Aesop takes a breath. "I'm not okay. I'm struggling."
"Maybe it's not smart to bottle up Butterbeer, but sometimes it helps." I put two more bottles on his desk.
Aesop chuckles and takes another swig. "That's very kind of you. Thank you." He looks at me with a half-smile. "You're not too bad yourself, you know? You're pretty clever."
"And sometimes quite annoying." I grin.
"At least you're self-aware of it ..." He chuckles and looks at the empty bottle. "Do you have a limitless supply?"
I grin and put two more bottles on the table. "Not unlimited, but I still have … a few." Then I drink the rest of my last bottle. "You're really making me drunk."
"You're the one who keeps replacing the bottles that I take." He chuckles again, but put his hand up when he noticed her expression. "Sorry, sorry. I can't help it, you're too easy." He grins sheepishly.
"I can let you drink alone next time to make you feel stupid." I grumble a bit.
"A bit harsh, no? My own student trying to make her professor feel like a fool." He raises an eyebrow but couldn't help but smile a little. "Just to prove a point."
I laugh. "To prove what? That you are a man and a head taller and therefore can tolerate much more alcohol than me?"
"Well, if you want to get into that argument ..."He chuckles as so often and drinks from his bottle. "I must say. I think we're having a better conversation than most people have with their professors. I'm sure I'm not supposed to let students get this drunk in my office." He winks when he says that last bit.
"Tomorrow I might not be able to remember it, so I guess that's your little secret." I grin.
"Oh, don't you worry. I have a good memory ..." Aesop takes another sip from his bottle. "You'd definitely struggle to outdrink me. It'd be entertaining to see you try, though." He smirks.
"So, I'll try to entertain you." I put two more bottles on the table. "Cheers!"
"At this rate, I'll need to be wheeled around the castle ... but if it's entertainment you want, I'll keep drinking so you have your fun." He smirks. "Do you do this often? Come to your professor's office and get them drunk?"
"No, this is our first time. Unless we both forgot the last time."
"Maybe we did? Would you like me to remind you?" He raises an eyebrow. "Or would that be too much of a violation for you?" Aesop is trying to be slightly flirtatious, but he also enjoys testing the boundaries of his students.
"Oh no, please don't tell me I stripped on your desk last time." I look mock shocked.
"Now why would I tell you if you did that?" He laughs. "That would make the surprise less exciting!" He pauses. "But I wouldn't blame you either."
I just raise an eyebrow.
"Oh please, you know you love the attention." He smirks slightly. "Don't deny it."
"I'd like to keep my clothes on, thanks." I roll my eyes.
"Good to know you still have some boundaries then." He finishes his Butterbeer. "So? Are you going to try and outdrink me, like you said before?"
I pull two more bottles of Butterbeer out of my bag. "How many bottles are we at now?"
"About ... Six?" He looked at the empty bottles. "Maybe seven. What's your limit?"
"I'm afraid I exceeded my limit a few bottles ago. Tomorrow I'll regret that so much."
"Oh, you poor thing." He reaches up to pat my arm comfortingly. "It's alright. We all make mistakes, and if I can be there to help you figure yours out I suppose that's fine. I suppose you will be very hungover tomorrow. But at least you'll have that Butterbeer to help cure your hangover." He grins. "And me. I can keep you company."
"You're enjoying it very much. Admit it." I grin too.
"Perhaps I am." Aesop laughs. "I don't know what you expected when you barged into my office uninvited and started passing me Butterbeer bottles."
"I wanted to cheer up the grumpiest teacher in Hogwarts. And tease a bit first.” I grin and take another sip of Butterbeer.
“Well, your plan seems to have worked.” He chuckles. “I’m not so much in a grump anymore, I suppose I owe that to you.” He gives me a warm smile – much to my surprise. “And I suppose I deserved the teasing. I’ve been so caught up in my own head I haven’t been very pleasant at all, so if any teacher deserved a good teasing, it is me.”
"Please remember I cheered you up the next time I blow up a cauldron." I laugh.
“Oh, I’ll remember. I’ll remember for a long time…” He chuckles softly and takes another drink. “You’ve certainly managed to make a mark on me. That won’t be something easily forgotten. You’re quite the troublemaker.”
"I'm glad you'll remember me well when I die of a hangover tomorrow." I sigh dramatically.
"Oh, come on. Don't be so dramatic. I'm sure you'll be fine." He pats my arm again. "You're a smart girl. You'll be fine. Even if you do have a terrible hangover, just keep my office in mind. I'm always down to let you drop by to cure your hangover."
"Will that work tomorrow when you'll hardly be able to move yourself because of a headache?" I raise my eyebrows.
"Well ...that could be a problem ..." Aesop looks thoughtful for a moment, thinking. "Maybe I'll just have to take a sick day tomorrow. I suppose if I want to make sure you're getting treated well, I'll need to be there for my hangover-ridden student. It only seems fair."
I look at my Butterbeer. "Maybe we should now start preparing our hangover potions for tomorrow."
"That's not a terrible idea at all. What do you think that would entail?" He smiles at me, his eyes twinkling like stars as he looked at her." Do you know the correct ingredients to help relieve a hangover?"
"Barf, drink a lot and bagels."
He chuckles. "I would suppose you're not wrong there. Well, what about magic? Don't you think there should be a potion for this by now? How can the wizards of the world have created so many potions, but still not have created a potion to cure a hangover?" He scoffs, shaking his head. "I should think the next potions expert needs to be working on that! I'm sure the hangover curing market would be quite lucrative."
I laugh out loud. "Can't you invent something now? You're the Potions Master."
"You know, I think I will." Aesop looks thoughtful for a moment, but a look of determination crosses his face. "I'll figure out the perfect hangover cure. Just wait, it'll be the most important discovery of the century."
I laugh again. "You will make a lot of money with this. Do I get a share for the idea?"
He smirks. "Half, and no less. You'll be part owner." Aesop sits up proudly and raises his bottle in a toast. "To the hangover-curing potion! May it give many hungover witches and wizards sweet release throughout the ages!"
"Cheers!" I lift my Butterbeer too and drain it. Then, as always, I put two new bottles on the table.
"Where the hell are you getting these bottles from?" He looks at me, then at the bottles. "Are you ... stealing Butterbeer?"
I roll my eyes again. "I bought them, Cutie Pie."
"Cutie Pie? That's a new one. Not sure it's one I'll be adding to my repertoire." He grins. "Well, it's good to know you're not a thief. You have to have some amount of morals."
"Hey, I'm a pain in the ass, not an asshole." I tilt my head.
He chuckles again, and sighs. "Well, you certainly seem to have that right. You certainly know how to be a pain. And you're also somewhat charming, which makes it easier to deal with, in a way."
"Great, I'm a charming pain in the ass." This time, I scoff.
Aesop smirks. "See? You're already getting it. You'll do very well indeed." He raises his glass again. "Charming pain in the ass, indeed. To that I'll drink!" He grins and drinks.
I sigh and put two more bottles on the table. "You're killing me, Cutie Pie."
He sighs too and shakes his head. "Please, stop calling me that. But alright ..." He takes the two new bottles and looks at me. "Do you think you can drink as fast as me? I'll certainly be impressed if you can." He smirks. "I'll drink, you drink. We'll see who can do it faster. And if you win, you may call me Cutie Pie."
"Deal!" I put the bottle on. Then we drink. I'm almost twice as fast as Aesop.
He chuckles, drinking from his own bottle. "Impressive. I wouldn't have expected you to be such a fast drinker." He pauses for a moment, thinking. "Well then, I suppose I'll have to hold my end of the deal. Cutie Pie it is." He chuckles again.
I laugh out loud. "The most inappropriate nickname ever."
"You're the one who requested it. But I agree. It's not appropriate. Still, if that's the price of the drinks you bring, then it's a name I'm willing to be called."
"I promise not to use the nickname in public, Cutie Pie." I grin widely.
He scoffs, shaking his head. "I suppose I asked for that one. If anyone heard you call me that, I'd die of embarrassment." He chuckles. "But I suppose that's the appeal to you, the thought of me being uncomfortable. You certainly seem to enjoy it." He smirks slightly, and takes another drink. "I suppose I can't say I hate it too much either."
Aesop chuckles, finishing his bottle in one drink. He looks at me with a smirk. "So, my new nickname is Cutie Pie, but do you have a nickname for you? Is it also one I might find embarrassing?" He raises an eyebrow and smirks. "Or would that go against the whole ... teasing ... dynamic we have going on?" He pauses as he thinks about something, and then looks at me with a grin. "Would you like a nickname of your own?"
"I'm afraid I'll have to endure this now. After all, I gave you an embarrassing nickname." I sigh.
"That you did." Aesop nods as he takes a drink again. "Are you regretting your decision now? Is it too late to take it back? I'll allow you to do that, if you're regretting it so much." He smirks again. "Would you like to be relieved from your promise to call me Cutie Pie?"
"You would like that! No way, Cutie Pie!" I laugh.
"Hmm ... You do seem to enjoy teasing me. I suppose maybe you don't regret it." He chuckles. "So, Cutie Pie it is, eh? I suppose I'll make my peace with that. But don't underestimate the value of having my own nickname for you." Aesop looks thoughtful for a moment. "Maybe I'll have to call you something sweet ... but that's not embarrassing enough. I'll have to come up with something better."
"Okay, take your time." I grin.
He pauses again in thought, trying to come up with an equally demeaning nickname for me. As he looks at me, a thought pops into his mind, and a smirk spreads across his face. "I know. Sweetie Pie." Aesop snickers at his own thoughts. "That's perfect. You'd be absolutely furious if I started calling you that ... I'm going to do it from now on. It's going to be great."
"Great. Cutie Pie and Sweetie Pie. Sounds like two Teletubbies."
He laughs. "Oh god, there's no escaping it now!" Then he sighs. "Oh well. I suppose we're Teletubbies now, eh, Sweetie Pie?" He glances at me. "I suppose it does suit us."
I giggle. "Two Teletubbies with lots of Butterbeer! Cheers!"
"Cheers!" Aesop toasts, taking another drink and smiling at me. "Two Teletubbies with Butterbeer ... sounds like the start to a great night. I must admit, you've really surprised me. I didn't expect my new Teletubby to be such a troublemaker. But I suppose I can't be mad at you ... you're too charming to stay mad at."
I burst out laughing. "Now I'm your personal Teletubby?"
"My favourite Teletubby." Aesop chuckles warmly, his eyes twinkling. "I suppose technically you're my pet Teletubby now. That is your name, after all." He grins and nudges me.
"I liked Sweetie Pie ..." I pout.
He giggles. "Oh, you did not." He grins mischievously. "You know what would really suit you? A big, pink Teletubby suit." He chuckles again, clearly thoroughly enjoying the thought of me dressed as a Teletubby. "I've just had the greatest idea: A Teletubby costume ball, where we all dress up. I'll have to make sure you're there."
I laugh. "But then you have to decide on a colour. And black is not a colour!"
"What do you mean? It's as much of a colour as anything." Aesop frowns slightly. "Unless you're saying you don't want me to be a Teletubby? He looks slightly disappointed as he stares at me, though he maintains his stern demeanour. "But that could be your loss ..."
"I didn't say that! But you need a colour for your costume. But no black. Something bright." I grin again.
"Oh, that's easy then." Aesop says with an air of confidence, grinning back at me. "You know what colour I'll be? Bright red. Because why be normal when I could be completely ridiculous?"
"Okay, where do we get our costumes from now?" I ask.
"There are quite a few places that sell costume pieces. We should go to Hogsmeade, and if we're lucky we could find a whole costumes." He thinks for a moment. "And if we're unlucky, I can get a bunch of fabric and start sewing." Aesop grins, clearly enjoying the idea, and shrugs. "I'd rather not spend my time sewing a Teletubby suit. But I would if I had to. It's just that this idea is too cool not to happen."
"Better sewing than doing paperwork all the time because it puts you in a bad mood." I grin.
"Pff, you might be right about that." He grins back. "And besides, how could sewing a Teletubby suit put me in a bad mood? The fabric would probably be so soft. And I just think that making something so goofy and bright would be very fun. It's been a while since I've done something truly frivolous like that."
I already choke on my Butterbeer, laughing. "I really should fill you up with alcohol more often."
"I'm starting to think you're right about that. It seems to be the perfect thing to get me to relax. I've been so busy with work and everything, I kind of forgot how nice it is to just relax once in a while." Aesop shrugs and smiles. "But you certainly know how to make me relax, Sweetheart." He chuckles and nudges me again. "You've got me hooked."
After another Butterbeer I lay down on the floor in Aesop's office.
"Oh, we're laying on the floor now, huh?" He grins, but didn't complain and just joins me. "I take it you're feeling a little bit lightheaded now." He raises his bottle of Butterbeer. "Cheers to that." He drinks from his bottle.
"It's better to drink lying down 'cause you can't fall." I quote. "Ancient wisdom."
"Ah, very smart girl. You seem to be the expert on drinking, so I have to trust your judgment on this one." He looks down at me and grins playfully. "Is this something you do often? Drinking laying down?" He raises his eyebrows, smirking. "I didn't know we were at that stage in our relationship yet."
"I didn't even know we have a relationship." I start laughing again.
"Neither did I, but here we are. And what a relationship this is ..." Aesop grins at me, looking at me as we both lay side by side on the floor. There is certainly a certain intimacy that came from this. "Are you enjoying this?" He puts an arm around me and pulls me close. "Are you enjoying spending time with me? I'm certainly enjoying my time with you."
"You forgot the Butterbeer." I laugh.
"Oh, how could I forget the Butterbeer!" He hands me another bottle of Butterbeer. "You know, I don't normally cuddle with people I've only had ... checks notes ... two Butterbeers with." He smiles and takes another drink of his Butterbeer. "Well, consider yourself special. I must feel quite comfortable around you."
I raise an eyebrow. "I think you forgot a zero after the two. We definitely had more than only two Butterbeers."
Aesop laughs and lays back on the floor, his arm wrapping back around me. "Oh, so maybe we've had ... 20 Butterbeers? I feel pretty comfortable around anyone who's had 20 Butterbeers with me." He leans towards me, smirking as he plays with my hair. "I guess that would make you very special then. It seems that this is the first time I've had 20 Butterbeers with anyone."
"Me neither." I laugh. "Can we please leave it at 20? I can't take any more ..."
"20? I certainly don't want to take you past your limit." He raises his bottle, taking another drink. "So, you must be feeling pretty drunk by now." He grins. "I mean, I don't recall anyone who can drink 20 Butterbeers and still speak properly. You do seem like a pretty heavy-hitter, Sweetheart."
"Oh, I've definitely reached my limit a long time ago. About 15 Butterbeers ago."
He raises his eyebrows. "Really? And you kept drinking? You're going to hate yourself tomorrow. But I suppose I'll have to take care of you." He chuckles, gently stroking my hair.
"I've never looked after someone who's had that much to drink." He is smiling at me, clearly trying to keep mine spirits up and distract me from the impending hangover.
"I'm definitely going to hate myself." I laugh. "But the evening is so worth it."
"Oh, I'll take care of you tomorrow then. I'll make you some coffee, and I'll be sure to make something extra special for breakfast." He leans closer to me. "That'll be my job. To take care of you. And you can rest easy knowing that I'll be around." Aesop gives me a soft, heartfelt smile, a look in his eyes that I hadn't really seen before. He looks content.
"Looks like I'll stay with you then." I raise an eyebrow, grinning.
"I suppose that would be the smart move." There is a certain warmth and softness to his voice now that I had definitely never heard before. He sounds almost ... wholesome.
For a moment, he let the silence fill the room. When he speaks again, his voice is gentle and soft. "I'd certainly like that." He smiles at me, a small smile that seemed like he meant every word of it. "I'd ... I'd like that a lot."
"Think of your words when I'll bend your ear with complaints tomorrow." I grin.
"What, that I like spending time with you?" He chuckles. "Those were my true feelings. And I stand by them. Tomorrow you'll hear the same answer, even if you do give me a hard time about it." Aesop smiles at me and gives me a quick kiss on the cheek. "I don't mind. I'll take it if that's the price of spending time with you."
I smile back at him.
He returns the smile once again, and gently brushes my hair back as he watches me. She truly had a pretty smile, he had to admit.
"So ... I suppose we're going to stay like this. Lying down on the floor of my office, with empty bottles all around us." He chuckles again and shrugs. "I've certainly had worse Thursday nights. I can think of several nights where I is working on paperwork and grading essays, so I'd call this a good one." He gives me a small, playful wink.
I grin. "I almost thought you were going to take me to your bedroom in a fireman's lift."
Aesop chuckles. "Oh, there's still time for that." He raises an eyebrow, seemingly waiting for my response. "But if you're not comfortable with the idea ..." He trails off for a moment, looking at me with an expectant grin on his face.
"Your bed is surely much more comfortable than the floor." I grin.
Aesop nods. "It definitely is." He pauses for another moment, but I didn't say anything more, so seemingly he decided to take the initiative. "Come on." Aesop says excitedly, suddenly jumping up to his feet. "Let's go see how we can put this to the test." He smiles as he reaches a hand down towards me, ready to help me get up.
I groan. "Definitely too much Butterbeer ..."
He laughs. "Oh, and who's fault is that?" He nudges me while saying this and smirks as he gets up to his feet. "Let's go, Butterbeer girl. I bet I can lay you down in my bed, no problem."
"Another nickname for me now ..." I say as he picks me up.
Aesop grins. "Does Butterbeer girl not satisfy you?" He asks, as if the name is the most hilarious thing in the world, and he would love nothing more than to have someone call him that. He is enjoying himself.
Then he begins walking down the hallway away from his office, heading towards his quarters. He continues to carry me in his arms, glancing down at me.
I put my arms around his neck. "I'm fine with Butterbeer girl."
"I hope you are." He grins. He leans down and kisses me on my head, before continuing to head to his quarters. He could be a little late for bed tonight. It is the end of the week, after all, and he deserved a little relaxation time.
I yawn and lean my head on his shoulder. "Are you sure you can climb up the stairs while carrying me? I can walk."
"Are you sure you can walk? You've had quite a bit to drink, Sweetheart." He chuckles, his arm wrapping tight around me to support my weight. "You're definitely a lightweight, that's for sure." There's a playful glint in his eye, before he begins climbing the stairs to his quarters, carrying me in his arms without a shred of difficulty.
I yawn again.
"Getting sleepy?" Aesop smirks as he walks up the stairs, looking down at me. "I told you ..."
He laughs again. "I've got you. You can fall asleep in my arms and feel completely confident in the fact that I'm not going to let anything happen to you."
He continues up the stairs with me in his arms, taking his time with every step, wanting to make sure we get upstairs safely.
I sigh relaxed.
He feels quite comfortable and relaxed himself. And it seemed that she felt comfortable enough that she could just fall asleep right in his arms.
As we reach the hallway with his bedroom, Aesop begins to gently ease me down onto the bed. And he climbs in right next to me, his arm still wrapped around me. He smiles. "Have a good sleep, my sweet Butterbeer girl." He whispers, giving me a quick little kiss.
I grin, half asleep, and snuggle into him, my face on his shoulder.
"Aw, that's the sweetest thing." Aesop smiles as she snuggles in, a soft look of affection and warmth in his eyes as he watches her sleep. He places a chaste kiss on her forehead again, his mouth brushing her skin for a moment, before he leans back and shuts his eyes, falling asleep next to her. Aesop smiles peacefully, feeling completely comfortable and content as he relaxes next to her, his arm laying over her and gently holding her to his chest.
#aesop sharp#aesop sharp fanfiction#aesop sharp x reader#hogwarts legacy#hogwarts legacy fanfiction#hogwarts legacy fandom#mine
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Hello again! Anon who sent the vent over antis here. Thank you so much for taking the time giving me such long and encouraging response. To be honest, I am in the Genshin fandom, which is bigger and, sadly, full of antis, so I have experience when it comes to block annoying children. I also have like 80% of the EnTWST fandom blocked lol. In general, "proship DNI" account I see, is an account I immediately block (they're asking us to do that, so we're happy to oblige, right?). I have most of the vocal antis from the fandom blocked on Twitter, and even if it means less people finding my art, I don't care because at the end of the day I want to surround myself with people who support me and won't put me at the stake for shipping/"sexualizing" pixels. I'm really sorry to know that you guys got a lot of hate, but I'm happy to know that you will continue and that you have so much people defending you. Thank you for the advice on blocking people who interact with a certain kind of posts, I'll do that! Once again, thank you for your words and your drawings, thank you for giving the TWST fandom a lot of quality and original, fresh content every day. I'll continue to support you!! (Also, hint: we're in the TWST after dark zine together and it's a pleasure to know my art will be published with yours in a zine omg ❤️❤️❤️)
Hi again, Anon!
Oof, anything I hear from the Genshin fandom is usually bad news (mostly because of how big it is – naturally it’s going to have more “bad apples”)… I’m very sorry that you have to deal with all this.
We totally agree, sometimes you really just have to block 80% of the EN fandom lol, but anyone with the “proship DNI” pretty much invites the banhammer themselves. It’s really helpful lol
You’re very welcome, and thank you again for bringing all of this up. We hope you’ll stay surrounded by people who are open-minded and willing to appreciate your art or ignore it if the subject matter doesn’t suit their fancy. We still can’t believe it happened to us, especially when, aside blocking obnoxious people, we didn’t do anything else or haven’t said anything else.
And thank you once again for your kind words and for all the support! In general, TWST fandom has been very enjoyable so far, so we’re always excited to share art and headcanons with you, even when the ideas are weird hehe.
(OHH THIS IS EXCITING!! 💖💖 I’m happy to know we’re in it together! I’m not very active in the chats, but I check everyone’s WIPs and finished works, so I’m really looking forward to seeing yours)
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Okay I am so conflicted about this job I applied for. I won't hear back for a few more days, but I feel like I need to make a decision now in case they offer me it. I think the interview went well and I have a lot of relevant experience compared to their typical applicants ...
Anyway, it's for essentially a dog grooming apprenticeship.
The problem is, they only pay minimum wage ($15). But typically you might have to pay thousands to attend a grooming school. Or like if you go to the PetSmart grooming academy you have to "pack back" that training by working for them for a certain amount of time. Apparently if you quit before then you have to pay back whatever you "owe" for the schooling. So this apprenticeship is instead paying me to be there, and not charging me anything for the valuable training. So I can see minimum wage making sense to them, right. Considering offering this training is an expense to them because of the time commitment, but they are doing it because they want it to pay off by providing more groomers for their business.
I make $17 an hour right now at the barn. Which isn't like huge, but that extra $2 an hour does go places. I'm not sure I can afford to take the paycut. Especially when my partner is being really cagey about it. Like yeah he says do what I want, but like what does he ACTUALLY think about a losing some money??
BUT I could really make a career out of dog grooming I think. And I could make a lot more than I do now once I make commission and tips. The guy who interviewed me did say that it would likely take around a year to get to that, though. So I might be making $15/hour for a year.
BUT once I'm working there for a year I would be expected to start buying my own grooming kit. So uh a few thousand dollars worth of stuff, right. I would get a discount from their supplier and be able to have it come off my paycheck. But it will still be a big expense. I would get to keep all that stuff forever though....
Another thing too is that I just won a lifetime subscription to all the content from an online dog grooming and showing academy. So I will be watching a bunch of courses and seminars to learn some specialty show grooming stuff. So if I did become a groomer, I could potentially one day offer specialty breed specific grooms and stuff like coat stripping.
Now ... I just don't know if I can take the risk. I do think it could really pan out into a career. But the paycut up front would be a problem. Especially when, like, I can't afford to pay all my bills as it is. I'm constantly broke. I am supposed to be looking for a job that pays more. I have a Communications degree, I'm supposed to get like an office job or something. But nobody wants to hire me for a job like that. Or all the listings for ""entry level"" positions want 3-5 years of experience in the field. That ain't entry level! Tbh I would hate that kind of job anyway. But I always kinda thought I would have to settle for something I hated. I have just been avoiding it for a while by working shitty jobs I kinda like. This grooming thing I could actually love. BUT there's just no money up front. So I don't know what to do. It's probably just too late in life for me to take this chance, I think. I have bills to pay.
Anyway. Advice welcome. Just mostly looking to vent.
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Hey there! 🖤
So in the last 24 hours I've gotten about 35 new followers due to what I posted yesterday of Joe, which is super cool and exciting! I just wanted to say hello and introduce myself and clear some things up! Welcome, my name is Kay, and I'm 26 years old Puerto Rican Sagittarius who currently resides in FL (Ew, I know). I'm not solely a Joey B blog though that's what I mostly post about lol. I'm also not a Bengals fan (Sorry to disappoint) which I really want to point to out because I've gotten a few questions asking me about the team and Joe's future there and what not. I'm not the person to ask that, I'm just here having some fun thirsting over a 26 year old QB from Ohio. I write about him but I'm not currently taking requests (Since I've gotten those a lot too). I also don't talk about his loved ones on here so most of those questions (if not all) will get ignored.
When it comes to Joe this is a pretty unserious blog, You will see a lot of crazy innocent assumptions about him and some very crazy adult conversations about him which I always title "Anons after dark" incase you would like to mute that since I know that sort of stuff isn't for everyone. Overall though, It's all fun and nothing but love. I like seeing my followers, mutuals and anons come on here and just have fun and let loose since the world is already a pretty serious stressful part of our lives and we all deserve a mental break.
My blog is also a safe space for any LGBTQIA+ or BIPOC. Hatred of any kind is never allowed and you'll be blocked immediately. That being said, some other stuff you might see on here are my other celeb crushes, fashion, car talk, music, movies, true crime, anons who seek advice, random venting etc. So welcome again! I'm so glad you're here and don't be shy to send anything in and ask me anything if you'd like to know more about me or my blog! Welcome to the shitshow 🖤
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Hi! Welcome to a cozy haven, made for YOU! 😁
I made this because I want to offer a place for people who feel despised in fandom to take refuge. Specifically, people who have been, are being, or even fear being dogpiled/ostracized for their art, fan interests, or association with anything accused of being ""proship"".
And to be clear right off the bat: I generally understand "proship" to just mean the belief that one can indulge in fiction about horrible things without necessarily being horrible themselves. Proship is a belief. But a lot of people accuse things of being "proship" too (for example, calling a fictional pairing "a proship" or calling the act of indulging in taboo kinks "proshipping"), because the people who attack what they perceive as "proship" believe that proship means "content that endorses pedophilia/incest/abuse/etc." and/or "supporters of those things".
And frankly, at this point, the label is useless, but I just want people to know, in no uncertain terms, that this is absolutely not an, "uwu you were criticized for being a child predator, lemme support youwuwu" blog. I especially have to make this clear because some of the people I intend to give support to do not identify as proshippers, so they might genuinely have a different interpretation of what that word means and then get the wrong idea of what I'm saying, ya know?
Anyway!
You do not have to be a proshipper or enjoy taboo fiction to send an ask. In fact, I made this with neutral- and anti-shippers in mind, because fandom bullies absolutely do not discriminate. I've seen them attack totally sfw, non-shippy art. I've seen them attack other "antis". And I know there are some people out there who are mostly in anti circles and are afraid of stepping out of line. I know there are people who do not like dead dove content and have no desire to make it, who still get attacked. People who actively go after others to appease their friends, and still get attacked. People whose first language isn't English, who get attacked for not conforming to American cultural standards.
But here, you are safe from all of that.
You do not have to out yourself. You can give as much or as little detail as you want, to keep your identity safe. And I will listen and be here for you, and try to provide links to other understanding spaces too.
Whether you want to vent about being in a sticky situation with your friend group, or want advice or new perspectives, or want to send positivity to other followers of this blog, or if you just want me to share your GoFundMe or something... I'll try to give everyone a spot!
Unfortunately, I do have to set some boundaries so that I don't hurt myself. I wish there didn't have to be any limits on how much support I can give you, but I can't emotionally handle talking people through things like a therapist would. That's why I chose to make a blog instead of opening my DMs. Asks and Answers are my sort-of middle ground. For that reason, I can't have extended conversations about this in DMs, but I will answer your asks with as much care as I can.
I want to reach out and help, I really do. But I'm just as messed up as everyone else and I need to take care of myself, or else how will I even help others? ovo
If you also have friends who will support you for who you are, I strongly encourage you to reach out to them too! My friends and loved ones have been wonderful to me when I've gone through awful times, and even when I've made genuinely bad mistakes, and I've made massive strides in self-improvement partially due to their support!
Thank you for reading, and welcome to the blog!
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
Here's a set of resources for people who have been harassed online.
For proshippers, there's a server called Profiction Hub that directs to other servers, all of which are proship-friendly, but may have other rules that don't fit your needs (such as some being anti-endo and some having a maximum age cap). Only some of them have either of these rules btw. One server is even open to neutral-shippers as well.
#pinned#introduction#support#positivity#fandom#anti harassment#help#proship#antiship#neutralship#I at least hope this is welcoming to people ^^;#I'm not trying to claim to be a “safe adult” or a “fandom mom”#I simply get sad when I see people getting harassed so I wanna give them a place to talk about it#just wanna help!
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Hey Marin. I saw your answer to the anon asking about pronouns. I'm a gay man and have struggled a lot with being one who uses they/them pronouns. I wish there was more support in the community. I see a lot of people talk about they/them lesbians and I feel like there's more acceptance there, but in the gay community, I don't see it as often. It's discouraging
Hey, anon! 💙 Much much love to you. That's very difficult to navigate.
I would not say there's necessarily "more acceptance" within the lesbian community. Like, there's a lot of lesbians who invite complex relationships with gender with open arms. Then, you also have some lesbians who will completely ostracize you for it. It's foul and disheartening. I had to eventually just come to understand and accept myself without feeling like I needed a stamp of approval from every lesbian out there.
But I do hear you; I don't see as many conversations about complex relationships with gender within that community (which COULD be due to me mostly engaging in lesbian spaces and seeking out that information, conversation, and community). I have heard echoes of similar feelings to what you're saying from some of the other people I have talked to. It can be extremely isolating to feel a lack of support from your own community.
I don't know if you just wanted to vent some frustrations (which is so valid! I am open to that here.), or if you wanted any advice. If it's the latter: seek out community that will support and welcome you. There are spaces where there is acceptance and support and celebration of that. You kind of have to find them and seek them out. I don't know of any off the top of my head (which I should probably be better about), but maybe some of my followers might?
In conclusion, I feel for you and am sending you love and support. <3 And just know, my blog is always always ALWAYS a space where I support anyone with a complex relationship with their gender. I get it. Y'all are my siblings lol.
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I posted 117 times in 2022
That's 117 more posts than 2021!
20 posts created (17%)
97 posts reblogged (83%)
Blogs I reblogged the most:
@sophieinwonderland
@orange-orchard-system
@dhiibvulk
@psychuan
I tagged 35 of my posts in 2022
#plurality - 19 posts
#endo safe - 16 posts
#anti endos dni - 14 posts
#🐠 - 8 posts
#actually plural - 4 posts
#simplyplural - 3 posts
#hermitcraft - 3 posts
#osdd - 2 posts
#🗝 - 2 posts
#fictives - 2 posts
Longest Tag: 139 characters
#it’s not usually that awkward bc he (the introject) has next to no connection to his source and they (the friend) don’t know we’re a system
My Top Posts in 2022:
#5
Is there a term for not technically quite polyfragmented, but close enough that you share some experiences?
11 notes - Posted September 15, 2022
#4
ANTI-ENDOS DNI, feel free to block us if you don't like this post, we've heard all your arguments before and this is more of a personal vent than a syscourse discussion.
Recently I've been questioning whether or not we have osdd-1, and it's really frustrating because I want to be able to go into osdd spaces and ask questions, try to see if our experiences match up. But I can't do so without worry of getting fakeclaimed if we don't match up or getting made fun of for identifying as endogenic in the first place.
I know we're a system (even if some other members are in denial), and most advice i can find without specifically asking questions is geared towards figuring out if you're a system, not figuring out if you're an osdd system, and I'm afraid if we ask questions, we'll get more of the same, with people just telling us either we must have osdd (since low amnesia barriers rules out did) or we must not be a system.
We know there are inclusive osdd systems out there, we just don't know how to find inclusive osdd spaces.
11 notes - Posted July 17, 2022
#3
Plural!Rendog Headcanons
- The whole system, at least initially, collectively goes by Rendog or the Rendog System.
- Ren is the host and Renbob is the second most frequent fronter
- They're median and tend to have very low amnesia barriers
-They didn't know that they were a system when they first joined hermitcraft
-They have ADHD, and so most of them tended to chalk up what emotional amnesia they did experience to that (this part is largely me projecting)
-The Logfather only managed to mind control Ren, not the other system members, which ended up causing both Ren and Renbob a lot of confusion
-The Logfather couldn't take complete control of Ren either, mostly exerting passive influence unless there was some serious Logfellas business that needed to be taken care of
-They figured out they were a system right after the Logfather died and the Logfellas got arrested
-Basically, they're very much used to the sensation of having Someone Else There, so Ren (who was fronting at the time) was very confused by Xisuma talking about how much of relief it was to have the Logfather out of his head
-So he ends up asking X about it and doing some self reflection and Figuring Shit Out
-Well, actually, Renbob shows up in co con and Figures Shit Out
-For a fairly long time after that, X is the only one outside the system who Knows
-More to come as our binge watching of Ren's hermitcraft videos progresses!
(We're posting this in fandom tags because to a certain extent it is a fandom thing, but we recognize that that probably means some people who don't know anything about system stuff are gonna see this.
Hi! This post is about plurality, or the state of being more than one person in one body. It's mostly intended as a by-systems-for-systems sort of thing, but singlets (non-plural people) are also more than welcome to interact as long as you're respectful!
If you have any questions about plurality in general or the terms we use to describe it, our ask box should be open!)
12 notes - Posted June 19, 2022
#2
Considering coming out as a system to some online friends. Does anyone have any tips/advice/ideas on how to go about it?
14 notes - Posted July 14, 2022
My #1 post of 2022
Saw this on r/systemscringe. Needless to say this is, at the very least, somewhat horrifying. Make sure to stay safe and be careful joining any new plural discord servers.
449 notes - Posted July 31, 2022
Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →
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Hey, yeah I totally get it, thanks for letting me know! If it's too draining to reply immediately or at all, don't! I just wanted to vent a bit
I don't mind you posting it if you decide to do that I'll just stay in anon - It was mostly jidt the lack of communication between me and my parents (my fault as well as theirs) abt where I wanted to go to college
I applied aborad and wanted to go and even got in but my parents are a bit on the fence abt it (understandably! It's a big decision and I know they have my best interests in mind) I feel like if I'd just talked to them a bit properly abt my ambitions and the availability of scholarships, financial aid, things I could do to make the whole process easier, they'd be a bit more welcome to it
But they've never really seriously considered the option of me going abroad (on my worst days I think it's because they don't think I'm good enough to get in so they don't even keep it as an option) and that has always put me off from talking to them abt it (which is my fault)
Now it's time to decide and I really want to go abroad where I got in, but they're pushing local unis (nothing wrong with that btw! I just had different plans) and I still don't want to have studying abroad convo bcs I'm afraid if say I want to go abroad they're just going to stare at me blankly or say it's too expensive (true, but options still exist if we explored them!) or say I only want to go abroad bcs it's "hip" or "cool" Or wtv but I must have the convo I have to I eventually will so
Anyways, thanks for listening!
honestly bro ik u probably aren't looking for advice but imo u should go !! tbh i think ur parents want the best for u n domt want 2 to struggle that's y theyre not v keen on it, + the financial stuff is also an issue but w financial aid etc it might be less of aburden :> at the end of the day i think which uni u get 2 go to is p important so i think u should follow ur heart in this case !!
#ALSO u could ask the uni for any help with finance#u got in for a reason !!! dont forget that!!#asks
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Heyo, ya can call me Cake, or Cory, i go by any pronouns, nice to meet ya
Share silly stuff about my ocs and aus (mostly aus)
I'm not in any specific fandom, i just vibe wherever my hyperfixation is at
Also yeah, I am Brazilian, so i speak both Portuguese and English but i mainly talk in English to get more reach, but feel open to speak Portuguese to me i honestly would love to :D
Expect alot of spelling mistakes-
(Also, i have a second account for mostly my fanfics it's @cakeslildumpster )
Support me on ko-fi!
Doodle commissions (Open)
Ask box Open!
My boundaries
May add on to the list but this is it so far :D
Don't repost or use my art without my permission!
Asks are open, just don't be wired I'm a minor still, and also no nsfw jokes for the most part
Unless I ask for it, I'm not open for any sort of requests, being that of drawings/doodles, or writing
Please leave AU dumps for @cakeslildumpster but please check the pinned post to see if its open for AU dumps, because sometimes i might close it
I'm open to discuss theories/ideas about the content i talk about. Or also theories/ideas for my own stories
I'm fine with suggestions for my au(s) just keep in mind that i might not always implement them
Pedophilia, incest and all that stuff are NOT welcomed here, i said it, i do not want my stuff associated with these stuff and if you're mad about it, good, block me or imma do it myself if i see you with that stuff under my posts
My masseges are open to anyone who wants help/advice on their aus/og stories, but ask before if I'm free for it
Don't come venting to me, especially without asking first, I'm ok with mutuals coming in, but you gotta ask first, I myself am not mentally stable to be your therapist, I can only give some advice or nothing
I'm ok with using my drawings as pfp just give credit plz-
I'm ok with you using my art for roleplays, as long as you ask me fisrt, properly credit me, and that the roleplay isn't anything inappropriate, i do not want my art associated with that
"Home is where Freddy is"
Character reference sheet
Chapter 1
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Part 9
The Gregaverse: Sign up and rules
GlamCadets Au
Other socials
Instagram
Artfol
YouTube
Twitch
#home is where freddy is#home is where freddy is ask#cakes doodle requests#cakes asks#nsdcakeocs#cakes art#cake talks#glamcadets au#boundaries
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hi! i hope you’re having a wonderful day/night. im coming for a bit of advice, but first id like to thank you for creating this blog! faith can be such a difficult thing to struggle with, especially as a queer youth like myself. it can feel so isolating at times, so it’s really nice to be able to get advice from someone who understands what that feels like and will give you honest assistance. anyways now on to my actual bit. i’ve been sort of struggling with my own faith for a few months now, it’s always at the back of my head. i’ve always found religion and christianity really fascinating regardless of whether i believed in it or not. i was raised Lutheran when i was a little kid, but when we moved away from my grandparents i found out that not believing in that was an option and i haven’t really honestly believed since. but these past few months i’ve found myself habitually praying (specifically to the archangels) almost as a knee jerk response to when i go through something hard and need some help. i never confess anything, as even if i did believe i don’t think i would do that, but it’s often times just explaining the problem and asking for help. it often makes me feel better. since then i’ve just not been sure what i believed in. i don’t think i’ll ever fully conform to a christian Capital G God, but maybe religion isn’t as scary and othering as i thought and i might try it out. i know this was mostly just a vent, but i’d love to hear your thoughts/advice for me if you have any. it felt nice to get this off my chest regardless. thank you so much <3
It's been a while since you sent this but hello, beloved! I'm doing well today! Vents are good! You are so welcome for this blog—I created it when I really wasn't sure about anything except I couldn't change myself, and I felt a calling to a God I wasn't sure existed. I've grown so much and I'm in a much better place (although that place is still often scary and always full of questions).
Prayer is such a human response, and a beautiful one—that impulse to ask the universe for help, to admit we're not in control, and that we feel alone sometimes but we know or we hope somewhere deep down that we're not. I totally understand prayer without faith, and we can find prayer-like practices in many secular places, like meditation and art. Talking through a problem helps most everyone, even if we're 100% sure no one is listening! Even in my moments of extreme doubt, I always pray—whether I'm angry at God or sure They're imagined or hateful.
Also, it's completely normal to fall back to the faith we grew up with even if we're not sure it fits us anymore. The values and practices we were given as a kid come with us, for better or for worse. Sometimes we just want to go back to when it may have been simple to recite a prayer before bed, and not question the whole universe as we're doing so. This doesn't make us weak or brainwashed—it makes us human (nostalgic, perhaps, or hurting, but human).
A verse I always come back to when I'm in those in-between moments of faith is Mark 9:24: "Lord I believe; help my unbelief!" We're allowed to be full of contradictions, and we're allowed to pray to a God we're not sure exists. The scene is of a father pleading for his ill child, and it doesn't matter what he's sure of—he will fall down on his knees and pray through tears. May it be so for us.
I wouldn't worry about conforming—we need more people to question and not conform and find new ways to have a relationship with God! Being comfortable, inspired, loving > conforming.
It's lovely that you're thinking of exploring religion! I would really encourage you to learn about a variety of faiths and visit local worship spaces—especially faiths/communities that you don't know anything about or would never have considered! You never know where you'll find God. Some religion is scary and othering, I won't lie—but the people who push through that and find or create spaces full of love and faith are the strongest people I know. It can be a lot of effort with a noticeable lack of promised reward, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
To be a happy queer Christian, you have to want it, and you have to fight for it. While I wish it was easier, it does mean we're here because we don't have a choice, because something/someone called us here, and because we followed love and not the rules. (Didn't mean for that to sound like a T-shirt slogan; please give me some royalties.)
God be with you on your journey, may the universe watch over you on the days when you can't name it as God, may archangels protect and guide you, and remember the world is your home, regardless of whether you ever find/want a faith community.
<3 Johanna
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hey fox, hope you've had a good day. sorry for the incoming vent. if you have any advice, it's welcome. if not, that's fine
in trying so hard to keep my little brother safe. my mother is both verbally and physically abusive to me, but she hasn't laid a hand on my brother, he can do no wrong in her eyes. mostly beca he's in contrast to me, who intentionally pisses her off to keep him safe. as a result, the only thing protecting him right now is me getting hurt. i have no issues with that, given the shit i've done it seems like good punishment. and i'd do anything to protect that kid. but i'm going off to college in a year or so and i don't know what to do. my friends are all telling me to get out as soon as i can, but i don't wanna do that. so i go to a college in state and continue living here, but i don't wanna do that either. and on top of all of that, my brother's so used to me being able to help him with all his problems that he keeps piling shit on my plate, but i'm scared that i'm gonna let things slip through the cracks and disappoint him like i've disappointed everyone i try and protect. and it's not his fault, as far as he knows i'm indestructible. i like it that way. if he sees me slip he might be scared to ask for my help, and i DEFINITELY can't have that. because he's so goddamn good. i don't know how he's so good after living in this house, especially seeing as his biggest parental figure for the first few years of his life was me, and i'm a mess. i just don't know what to do here. and i recently snapped at him and i think i scared him and i hate it so much. i don't want him to be scared of me, more than maybe anything. i don't know, this whole situation just fucking sucks. - 🎇
The best advice i can give you is you have to do whats right for you. protecting your brother is an amazing thing you have done for survival but it might kill you in the end. i honestly have no idea what to do bc i have never been in these shoes before. if anything you can let him know he can contact u if anything happens, and if ur mom abuses him, would u contact someone? you could also contact another relative ? i know cps wouldnt be the best option considering how shitty the system is. this honestly sounds so rough and tough, i am so sorry <3
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this might be a long winded ask. this MOSTLY just a vent but some advice is still def welcome.
my bf went through really bad trauma groing up. domestic abuse, emotionally and physically. usually he's a happy go lucky type of guy, and he's pretty see through (for me, anyway) when he's not doing so well and doesn't want to (or know how) to ask for help. we've been together since mid 2013 (we were both 15) so we went through some very formative years and have grown lot as individuals and as a couple.
I struggle A LOT with confrontations with him. well, discussions with him when something is wrong or I feel like we need a lil heart to heart. he truly hates any type of confrontation and tends to shut down when something is brought up. he's really forgetful, to the point where it brings him great anxiety. last time we had a discussion he broke down telling me that sometimes he gets anxious and terrified about his memory and it was getting to him. He also says that during more emotional discussions/confrontations he'll know what he wants to say but then not be able to get the words out. usually I'll sit quietly with him but lately it leads into him spiraling into more anxiety which makes him forget what he wanted to say more.
i want to help him so bad, but I'm obviously not a therapist or mental health worker. he doesn't even have health insurance (citizenship/money issues) but I still want to help him with more coping strategies especially during more emotional discussions.
we both have our issues, and I started my mental health journey way earlier than he did so im a bit more stable (most of the time) and he's been there for me every single time I wasn't okay and listens without judgement.
I just feel overwhelmed bc I'm so worried about how he's dealing with his past. He was taught to never cry and just go through it strongly. He basically doesn't cry now unless he's compleeeetely overwhelmed or triggered by a very specific thing. I don't want to force him into anything, either.
sorry this is so long- its ok to delete this!
I'm not a therapist either and I'm definitely not qualified to guide you and your boyfriend through all of this, but what you said about his memory and him shutting down makes me think that he might be dealing with severe dissociation, so that might be worth looking into. Losing time and memories, being detached from your emotions and shutting down in stressful situations can all be symptoms of dissociative disorders - so I think looking into that might be a good starting point for figuring out where to go from here. Dissociation is a very common consequence of severe trauma, so look into that and see if he relates. I'm obviously not trying to diagnose him, but if you can't access professional help in any way and just want someone's opinion, this is my best guess.
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Don't answer if you don't want to, but do you have advice for how to settle when you've only just realized you're an alter? I always thought I was just the host sorta playing make-believe...turns out I'm an alter myself and also that there are a bunch of others that the host knows about that I don't, I always thought it was just me and him (or..just him i guess)
I suppose the question would be how to settle in when you're new to an already-communicating system and don't know anyone?
The first thing we can really say is welcome to discovering you're a system.
Its very hard to completely accept and settle at first. It might take a while to feel comfortable with that knowledge and you might find that you or your system mates may go through stages of denial. Just know that that is completely normal. DID and OSDD are usually covert disorders to help the brain survive and denial can be apart of it.
Alright as for how to settle in when you don't know anyone else in the system!
Patience is a big one. Things won't happen overnight. I think I saw somewhere where the old host talked about suspecting being a system back as far as 2011 and he knew about one of our littles and one or two other people in the system but he didn't really have a name for it. It took us until 2 and a half years ago to completely accept it and call ourselves a system.
So here's how we better get to know people we can't communicate with right away.
Tumblr: this honestly has been one of the biggest helps. A few of us post on here. Usually main fronting crew but it gives us the opportunity to go back and look to see how everyone is feeling and morale.
System journal: we have a couple physical journals and by a couple I mean a small bookshelf full of them. Some are personal journals (that only the protector has permission to browse through if there's concerns about a specific alter) basically diaries. But then we have public journals/fronting journals. They're usually like pass down journals (mostly what happened when they fronted if they had time to write and remembered. Or how they're feeling.) This can be as small or as long as they want. We also have a smaller journal basically a check in system journal (we don't use this as often because discord is amazing) but originally we used it as a question or concern log. ("Hey are you ok? The room was trashed when I fronted? Is something going on?") That sort of thing.
Discord: discord is amazing! There's a lot of system discords out there. Pretty much any you can think of. There's even ones specifically centered around fictives which we help mod! This is great because discord also has something called plural kit. They have the ability to make 'system profiles and users' for your system. When you use it you get this
It allows you to have your own avi you ID with, your name, and its really helpful to see know who fronted before you. It also has this
This is called front percent on plural kit and it kind of gives you an idea on who is active and who isn't. I believe there's also a way to see who has front history for a week,month, etc so it's helpful to get an idea who's out.
Make tiktok diaries. Your system can make a private tiktok account and make private videos only for you guys on it! It can be super helpful in communication and it's easier to talk or see what's going on. Our own people in the system tend to make vent posts on there and while I can't personally communicate with some I'm able to either make a video responding to them or able to use the previous methods above to write to them one way or another.
Alright here's one that may or may not work. Some systems do or do not have innerworlds. It took our system a LONG time to get to access even a small portion of our innerworld and at this point there's 2 cities and a couple small towns that are inhabited I there and depending on where you live varies usually with how good communication is.
I live in the main city where most if not all main fronting crew lives which makes it easier to meet up and communicate. But there's others I haven't met and have heard very little about. The only way I really know of them is if they chime in when they're near front or I hear about about through the Grape vine.
Communication opening usually requires some sort of meditation at first or some therapy help. It's also mostly complete acceptance too. We found once we went "ok we are a system and completely accept it" that we realized we had put up big walls (not just amnesia walls but communication walls) because we wanted normality and a 'normal life.
But at the end of the day be patient and know it does take time and experience to communicate better. I hope that answered it but hey if you want more information if this was super confusing we can try to break it down more.
-Stormy, Larry
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i'm so excited to see u back. and i'm excited to read stories and see art. i hope you don't mind if i send in anons too. could i have a cool anon name? would you mind if i made this a safe place again? for me to be soft and pretentious and vulnerable? also i want some... advice? idk. what are your best ways to combat depression that makes u unmotivated? like can't get out of bed unmotivated? and how do u create when scared? really just. mainly i don't know how to cope. thank u - sunflower anon
people say that depression is that you hate life and hate yourself and don't want to live but man. i love life soooooo much. it's so beautiful. like it's shitty. but still. i just am too scared and unmotivated to go and see it. i'm too scared to create i'm too scared to see things and talk to people and look at the beauty and i'm far too unmotivated and that's one of my biggest problems. idk what i'm ON about i just have had an awful day i hope ur ok with me venting
ok ok one last thing feel free to answer these all in one post, if u can. i have constant dissatisfaction. i used to write. when i'd get upset i'd write everything that's wrong and find a conclusion. and that was good and still is sometimes but i'm very sensitive. and i LOVE when i can understand things. but lately i just haven't been able to understand. it's been really confusing nd i can't understand what's happening with myself and others and i hate it. it makes my chest hurt
please. ily. it’s yours. do with this blog as you will.
i ended up writing a lot (too much?) so
(im bolding things after writing this, bc i just wrote waaayy too many words to say very few things. so im not trying to be pretentious, mostly just pointing out to myself that i only needed a sentence per paragraph. anyway.)
tbh this is literally so relatable, i found myself driving circles around a parking lot wondering if i could move somewhere that would bring me satisfaction. if i could move to nashville or san diego or portland or nyc and get a good job like the one i have now, if i went to more concerts and went on more hikes, and if maybe the sky or the different scent of air would make everything better. cause there are places in which im happy to be alive, and i want to be, and i appreciate these things. but really, im still going to be me, it doesnt change that i was at my lowest in malibu. i am what i am. the thought of the future is terrifying bc i have so much i want to accomplish, but i am terrified bc i know i don’t have the energy or willpower. i want to crawl out of my skin. anyway,,
personally, i am very Bad with motivation. i have many projects im dying to finish, but two years later, im still thinking about them. the time elapsed feeds anxiety... the more i leave, the more i still want to crawl out of my skin. so this is how i get things done: they’re have-to’s. the only reason i am able to get out of bed is because my job depends on it. bc my parents will be Disappointed. bc graduating college depends on it. there is no beauty behind me getting to things. it’s all fear, but some fear saves me. i have to let it settle over my shoulders, and just when i feel like i am breaking, to switch my brain off and shove up, even if it’s breaking my heart. (i write this on a monday night, i have midterms this week including a 12 page research paper due and i havent started even choosing a topic. and so i sit here. writing about finding motivation. yep.) for some people, it’s getting a pet to have to get up and take care of. forcing yourself to make plans and keep them bc they will be hurt if you cancel. sometimes it’s anger. when i am angry, i know i need to use the energy or i will end up raging and breaking things, so i clean everything.
so perhaps making creative moments “have-to”s. i recently read someone saying they write for 20 minutes in the morning and 20 minutes in the evening and it made me realize i dont have a “i dont have time” excuse. write something. anything.
so really just. do. it. do the thing.
sometimes maybe it’s in acceptance. acknowledging that this wont be the moment you get a ton done or come to an understanding about xyz. and saying that it’s okay. you’re enough. celebrate every tiny victory. sometimes i fall too hard into that, so sometimes i try to keep even my passive times productive. for example, when i scroll tumblr mindlessly, i tag posts according to the creative concepts i have floating around. for example, i have a story i want to write, and i’m tagging everything that fits the aesthetic or serves as inspiration with “n”. makes me feel productive. here, i have opportunities like this, to think through my actions and the way i work. makes me feel like i’m thinking.
also accept that sometimes you wont come to a conclusion, or maybe your creative endeavor is going to turn out like shit. give yourself that permission. to create shitty art sometimes. also !! this quote !!!
my last thought is feeling like you have an audience. like you wrote a nice chunk for me. keep writing on blogs and social media and to people you value. i have two friends with whom i can discuss anything, particularly things that contribute to identity or worldview etc. and those late night text conversations, or simply sharing a screenshot, can help me to keep thinking and coming to understandings. similarly, podcasts and npr. sometimes listening is easier than reading.
over all tho, just generally take care of yourself. make sure you’re eating/sleeping/moving. treat yourself gently. you have time. it’s okay.
i would really really like to hear what other people say tho, bc i clearly have no answers. i feel very stuck and nervously so. it makes my skin crawl, so any others’ thoughts are very welcome :) and do come back, sunflower.
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