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miss-mossball · 2 years

Note

what's something about each one of your aus you've never shared before,,

this is a rlly great ask, thank u :D ill try to come up with some obscure facts that at most Rou or Zoe know about

(pls note most these things happen in the same universe, but they're focused on different characters so we just call them diff AUs)

The Hearte Family - (fantasy au)

- Haze is autistic-coded and I just never realized it! :v His special interests are about history, and boats, and historical boats. Haze also collects quills :v< He hates the sensory feeling of the elaborated outfits the other royals wear, so he's usually in a more simple, if dolled up tunic with loose sleeves. (but it works because they tend to see him on lower ranking anyway). He also stims with his hands a lot! Haze also struggles with literal thinking, so he doesn't Get it when girls are teasing and flirting with him. He gets quite irritated about it, actually (and I'm on the spectrum myself so boo, dont come for me if its inaccurate, im not diagnosing him)

The Nettecracker AU - (fantasy au)

- Tho he's fairly rare to come across, Hail has a secret guild thats registered in Cygni(kind of the capitol of magic and the study of it). the members meet up every now and again, and each of them are connected to a season of some sort :v they each live somewhere else in the world now. tho apparently they used to go on adventures when they were all younger or smthing idk :V

The School AU - (Modern AU)

- Peter never graduated, he doesn't have a GED because he took a leave of absence from school and never bothered going back :v any wild rumors about him he just says "sure" cuz he thinks its entertaining. So he avoids a solid job for the most part because he thinks he can't get any, and adamantly refuses to work at Diana's cafe like the other Puppe kiddos do

Robots (Modern AU)

-Goldenrods's family company for creating and manufacturing living robot bjds was going pretty well until there was an incident with one of the robots killed an employee of a well-established science institute. From there, the stigma of their builds never died in time for other bigger companies to pick up their ideas and put them out of business with offering cheaper and more producible designs :v Goldenrod and his father were both too stubborn about quality to lower the prices and match up to their competitors, especially with the new trend in smart phone accessory dolls, so...it just Died

the Shadows (Modern AU)

-Its been a consistent thing since the very beginning of my making the shadows that Bunny just wasn't welcome in them first by Nette, and now with redoing them, Hail won't let her go in now. I always sorta knew the reason but never had like a valid idea or story to come up with the why - or rather, not one that made any sense or wanted to bring attention to in RP. Seeing it from a more protective than mean POV now, I have a story, but I made it up literally yesterday so I won't be sharing it yet =<= or ever! who knows lololol

-okay since that didnt rlly give you anything, heres something else: Nette does corrupt from being in the shadows too long, being half human. He looses his cool pretty easily and has a recording of Mia's singing on his phone he listens to to calm himself down, unless she's there herself. He depends on her pretty heavily, but will his overabundance of pride ever let him admit so?

Aretieans (sheepies, totally separate from the rest)

- Vanilla was in love. With Coal, the head of the royal army. The timing was off and she was already married by the time they ever saw eachother again :( and Mousse, in all his misery of never being able to be with his love, forbade her from being happy with her love. He didn't tell anyone his wife was dying until it was too late, so they never got a last chance to say goodbye either

Bunnypluians (every and all aus)

- Bunnyplu don't have any sort of culture except to 'find a mate and procreate'. They dont have any sort of society, so Plu being the Bunnyplu Princess doesn't really mean fuckall, but she titled herself a princess from the moon anyway when she moved into the world, fell in love, and spread her babies across the planet. Plenty of other bunnyplu came to this world too, but the more "known" line of bunny aliens comes from Plu the Bunnyplu Princess.

----

I thiiink thats all my major AUs. obviously there are dozens of sub-subsections, like Lord Haze and his manor full of maids, the Bad End/cult au, the single mother Iris au, and so on =<= theres typically not a huge plot to any of those tho, more like spinoffs of the main ones just for funsies. I mean.... All of this is for funsies tho so who can say ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ if you'd like to know more about any of these aus or the spinoffs, lmk!

Ofc, every au here is co-created with @duckroulette, but I did try to come up with ideas for my characters mostly for this ask!

#my ocs #modern au #fantasy au #shadows au #robots #school au #bunnypluians #aretieans #ty for this rlly great ask!!! i took all day to answer it lol

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beautifuldarkmind · 3 years

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tw // s*lf harm, su*cidal ideation (sorry)

Hey, it’s the creepy NHS anon here.

Thank you for responding to my ask! I’m sorry you had such a rough time getting a diagnosis. You shouldn’t have had to go through all of that. Honestly it sucks that the NHS is so reluctant to diagnose anything mental health related.

When I was 14 I thought I had depression and anxiety. I finally convinced my mum to take me to the doctors when I was 16. The doctor was super nice. She tested my thyroid function just to make sure nothing else was causing my feelings, then referred me to CAMHS. That was…an interesting experience. I remember asking my counsellor to diagnose me, but then at the next session she said she couldn’t, that it “wouldn’t be helpful” because I was still growing. Now that I think about it, one of the days I was at school and during a class I was furious for some reason. I even said to a classmate that I was willing to fight anyone who got in my way. Despite my mum disagreeing with me, I cancelled my appointment that day. (My mum was worried they’d stop my sessions all together if I cancelled, but they didn’t.)

Fast toward to recent years and I’ve been on and off attempting to get a diagnosis. Last year (so when I was about 18) I asked to be referred to the autism clinic, and thankfully the GP accepted, but the clinic is still closed and even when it’s open I’ll still have to wait, possibly several years. Then I made another appointment (different GP) to be referred to a psychiatrist. She refused, saying that GPs are trained to deal with mental health issues. I brought up OCD, so she asked where I got my information from. When I told her I researched it online, she just brushed it off and then did the typical depression/anxiety test and she said both were severe, then said “take some drugs” (which is didn’t because I didn’t trust taking drugs prescribed by someone who did a 3 minute yes/no type quiz without actually fully exploring my issues).

I spoke to a different GP just over a month ago to get a fit note for my Universal Credit. It was supposed to just be to make adjustments to what I was supposed to do, but he didn’t ask what the note was for, so he marked unfit for work. Which is great because that’s secretly what I wanted but feared being judged by people around me for thinking I needed that (particularly my parents). I mentioned that I thought I could have OCD and CPTSD, and he didn’t deny it but he simply said CBT helps for both. He then asked if I was currently doing CBT and I said I’d done it before but I quit. (That’s a whole other story but tldr I really don’t think it was for me, or at least the “therapist” wasn’t.) He said he would send a self referral link.

Fast forward to a few days ago and I had another appointment with him to discuss my fit note (because it only lasts for a month and you have to go back to renew it, which sucks). He asked if I had referred myself to CBT and I said I hadn’t yet because I didn’t want to, and he said “please do that for me” in a somewhat stern voice. I then brought up BPD and I think he said he would refer me? Honestly I was a bit overwhelmed because he called 40 mins early and I was in the car with my dad, so I was super weary of him asking questions about what I was saying to the doctor (but he didn’t). He then brought up PD support groups, which I’m considering doing, but you have to call up the place and I literally hate phone calls. Oh, speaking of which, all the appointments from the autism one onwards were all on the phone, so not only was I struggling to process what they were saying to me most of the time, but I was also so anxious that I couldn’t articulate my feelings properly. :)

Anyways, I am 20 now, which I only mention because I feel the same as what you mentioned. My brother is married, my childhood crush is married, my friend who I introduced to my friend group who then proceeded to discard me is getting married. Everyone seems to know exactly what they’re doing. They all have friends. But not me. I haven’t had friends since I was 14, and even then I don’t think that friend group was entirely wholesome. They made me feel like an outcast, like I was weird, that I needed to be more like them and not be like me. Which has probably contributed to me having a very vague sense of identity. And I feel like I’m still 14 and yet everyone is expecting me to behave like an adult. I’m supposed to know what I’m doing with my life even tho I literally cried in the shop when I was pressured to choose between 2 pizzas.

I have no support system. My own parents seem very dismissive of my problems, equating everything to social anxiety. When I’m stressed out of mind to the point of feeling suicidal, my parents say “that’s just life”, which…well, feeds into the feelings. For years I’ve felt stressed. Then if I’m not stressed I feel absolutely nothing. And if I’m not feeling empty I am angry, sometimes for no reason. And if I’m not angry, I am curled in a ball trying to bottle up the urge to self harm and batting away suicidal thoughts.

It’s like I have a huge chain pulling me down underwater and everyone else is in the beach drinking cocktails or something. Sometimes I thrash and try to get people to notice, but people think I’m just having fun. Other days I just feel like letting the chain pull me down.

Please forgive me for rambling and probably not having a very consistent train of thought in this post. I have a tendency to blab on about my “problems” (if they even are that), I guess as a way to connect? Idk. This post makes no sense.

I hope you’re having a good day. <3

- 🌸✨ (in case I send another ask again, but I’ll try not to because I don’t wanna bother you)

So sorry you're going through something similar. My GP sounded exactly how yours was, the typical anxiety/depression test and then just throwing those at you.. they dont seem to be trained in diagnosing and they dont want to hear anything more either. It's honestly almost impossible getting a diagnosis through them, the system here is really messed up... its just disappointing and seems to be failing so many people including you.

It does sound like you're going through a hard time, it's not nice especially when you feel a loss of self identity, you dont even know who you are and just feel lost in life. I think that was definitely the main point of realising something was up.. I had a VERY distorted view of myself and others around me and that was why I'd often self sabotage everything and then I'd feel so empty and angry at the world and just explode...

If you can go privately then do so, therapists are not able to diagnose and they will usually tell you 'we don't like to label' but even without a diagnosis you can still see if you can access DBT therapy. Amazon also has lots of DBT workbooks that I've used and its helped me to really understand myself!

If you often feel invalidated by your parents then that is known to cause BPD or borderline traits, especially if you've been suffering with mental illness in childhood and they tried to claim that it was nothing....you mentioned anxiety and I was told the approach my parents may have took to my severe anxiety is what brought on many of my symptoms of BPD. You start to feel ashamed of yourself for feeling that way because your caregivers make it seem like the issue isnt important and you feel as if your feelings dont matter also because that is how you have been made to feel.

I'm not saying this is definitely the cause but in my case I was told that the constant feeling of invalidation may be why I have such a warped idea of myself and why I cannot regulate my emotions. I was never told HOW to regulate or shown how to, just told to ignore my emotions and now I dont know how to deal with them😀

but yeah I'd really recommend taking a look at some of those dbt books online or reading more into it so you have a better understanding of yourself. You've already taken the first step and that's identifying that something may be wrong so you are self aware and clearly want to change for the better 💕

I hope everything works out for you, it's not nice feeling this way but you've got this 🥺🙌

#ask #bpd #borderline personality disorder #tw

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nightmaretyrantvantas · 4 years

Text

Ok guys its finally finished!!

Introducing the last two main families in my anxciet au!

Please meet the princes

The Prince family

( from left to right)

Rebecca Prince

The boys’s Mother, goes by the names Mother, Ma, and Bec-bec

Her and Diana have been married for 7 years at this point, and been together for about 10(they met and started dating on and off since high school until they got back together permanently during college)

Punk mom punk mom punk mom punk mom punk mom-

She raised roman on her own for his first year before remus was born, in which she started dating Diana again more seriously

She majored in nursing and later in sociology in college before dropping out to take care of her boys and raise them right

Shes currently going back to school for the sociology degree inbetween her current job

She works as nurse and receptionist at a doctors office in town

Shes in her mid forties current time( where roman is 22, remus is 21, and kingley is 14)

Shes a pretty tough love kinda parent, and doesnt mind rough housing with her boys when they get too out of line and rowdy( they all enjoy the playfullness of it)

But compared to Diana she is not the scary when angry parent, and she can actually be pretty lenient with the boys depending on the situation

She also tends to be the one who gives into their requests and in kingley’s case, puppy eyes, though she puts on a tough front when she does

Rebecca is such a softie for her family I just i cant she loves them so much

She makes dad jokes just to annoy and embarrass her sons, but only makes either classic dad jokes or purposely really bad ones

100% supportive of her older boys’s relationships, and loves to tease Roman about Patton all the time

She also enjoys building things, and helped build the play structure and treehouse that are in the backyard.

Shes probably the reason Remus has no filter, as she has little filter herself

Her hair is naturally honey brown but she dyed it recently to make a statement to a shitty coworker so currently her hair is purple blue and pink

Shes usually pretty reserved around anyone thats not her family, so its a bit of a shock when people see her playful and rowdy compared to her reserved, professional front

Remus prince

The middle child at 21 but hey he can (legally) drink!

Wild feral trash man no matter what, but now hes got a switchblade and two brothers hed fucking kill for( though he wont admit it about roman)

Hes dating Logan and shows a slightly softer side to him only, and hes ride or die with his boyfriend

He tried college but it didnt suit him, so he ended up dropping out and instead getting two part time jobs: one as a vet assistant and one as a bartender, both located near his current apartment

Hes been best friends with Ethen for as long as he can remember, they grew up together and he considers Ethen a brother practically, and remus would probably be in a bad place without him and Remus recognizes this

He has a love for theater and acting that he shares with his older brother Roman and was in pretty much every school performance growing up, and even majored in theater for a bit when he was in college

He also writes alot of original short horror stories

Hes an adrenaline junkie and loves doing reckless things for the fun of it( usually dragging Ethen or Logan along with him)

He doesnt have a youtube channel of his own but he pops up frequently enough on Ethen’s channel when joining him for explorations that Ethen’s subscribers know him well, and love seeing him in videos

Hes only got two filter and their names are Logan and Ethen

He wants to get a snakes as pets just as much as Ethen but Their apartment has strict rules

That did not however stop him from bringing home a in rehabilitation small fresh water turtle home from work one day, and its the only exception to the no pets rule because Remus fought tooth and nail over the fact it was part of his JOB DAMMIT HES KEPPING THE TURTLE IT NEEDS CONSTANT CARE--

ahem. anyway the turtles name is Sir snappy and he adores her

He LOVES teasing both his brothers, even if it means getting teased back he can usually take what he dishes out

usually.

He also has a drivers license but does not currently have a car as he is trying to save up to buy a motorcycle

Kingley “King” Prince

The youngest of the family!! The also the shortest!!

He goes by the nickname “ King” and has for a couple years now

Hes fourteen and hes very upbeat and cheerful!

Hes also one of Andy’s best friends( He isnt crushing on andy dont listen to remus) and theyve been friends since second grade

Did I mention that they have sleepovers as often as they can? Because they try to. Usually King, andy, and Liam are nearly glued to the hips unless they cant be

Hes got a wild imagination and lots of ideas that he loves to share and try to put out as songs, stories, drawings, etc

He has severe ADHD and takes medication to help him narrow his focus more, as well as to keep his energy levels more consistent so he wouldnt be hugely energetic in the morning and dull and falling asleep by noon. But the medication doesnt effect his creativity sometimes it even helps boost it because he can focus better on his ideas instead of getting too many ideas at once to focus on and work on

His hair has blonde highlights in the winter and looks nearly fully blonde in the summer

Hes got his mama’s caramel brown eyes and tanner skin, as apposed to his ma’s more peachy skin and green eyes

This boy loves to wrestle and roughhouse, hes got alot of energy that needs to be ran out by bedtime and what better way then wrestling his older brothers for the tv remote when they visit? Or playing games at the park or in the backyard until the sun goes down

He also loves to sing and draw, he can usually be caught humming and you can find doodles all over his homework and school assignments

He also got braces when he was 12 and he loves them and always gets new colors for them as often as he can convinces his parents to agree to

Roman Prince

The eldest brother at 22!

He works at the local theater as a theater tech and assistant director and also performs in a good chunk of the plays put on as well

He loves his job, especially when they put on musicals

He has a college degree in directing and one in music composing

Hes known his boyfriend patton since they were kids since their families are really close,

He also writes his own short plays and stories that are sometimes performed at his work!!

Oh and this boy our boy roman can cook, hes learned all his cooking from his parents and absolutely loves cooking and learning new recipes and experimenting with old recipes! He also brings extra food into work to share with his coworkers and the actors in case someone doesnt have food with them or the money to buy something( as some of the workers there are broke college students or high schools trying to get experience) He and Patton share this hobby and sometimes have playful cooking competitions in their kitchen!!

Hes got a huge dvd collection that fills tree shelves of a bookshelf in their apartment

He also holds some acting lessons to younger workers at the theater in the case someone is struggling with a role or performace

Roman is also a very smooth motherfucker in the romace department when he wants to be. Hes romantic and pays alot of to little details and goes all out for date nights, whether theyre at home dates or going out dates he tries to make it as perfect to you as possible

Also he speaks spanish and likes to sing to Patton in spanish to swoon him on a bad day

Diana Prince

The boys’s other mother! Goes by Mama, Mum, and baba

Shes in her late thirties early fourties

did I mention theyve been married for years? I did? Good good

Diana is a blunt sweetheart with a bubbly, snappy personallity and a fiery temper

Shes really good with kids and has a degree in child psychology and works as a guidance counselor at the local high school

She also helps out at their neighborhood’s church with events and sometimes helps with services as an organ player

She plays piano and has been since she was young, she can also play the guitar

She absolutely adores her family but watch out if they break a rule or get themselves into trouble she is the stern one and does not let them get out of trouble. Puppy eyes are wasted on her you do the crime you do the time and the extra chores no arguing.

That is not to say that she wont listen and hear her boys out though, its just normally after hearing them out theyre still in the wrong( pray for remus is he ever got arrested for anything cough cough the homecoming incident cough cough)

Shes been friends with Emile since high school and sees his boys almost like her own, and cares for them as such.

She speaks spanish and told Roman and the others from a young age, but Roman is the only one who kept with it strongly, Remus only uses it when he angry and King is still learning

Shes an amazing cook, on par or even better than Emile( a statement that has been yet to be confirmed)

She is also a confirmed lover of making big meals

She loves being outdoors and playing with her kids

She also enjoys doing embroidery as a relaxing hobby

And lastly introducing...

The Daniel family!!

(from left to right)

Olivia Daniels

Logan and Liam’s mom! Shes a psychology professor at the local college!

Shes been going by the name Olivia for about 16 almost 17 years now and shes never been happier!

Olivia is technically their step mother, as she joined the family after Logan and Liam were born, but very early in their lives( Logan was 10 and Liam was three)

shes in her mid thirties

Her and richard have been married for 12 years and are still going strong!!

olivia is more of a gentle soul kinda person, shes peppy and softer spoken and has a very soothing and trusting presence to her. Shes easy to make laugh and loves making people smile

She also enjoys bringing treats to her classes for her overworking students

Shes not much of a cook but she does try dammit

Looks super sweet but shes a force to be reckoned with if you fuck with her children let me tell you

She wouldve made an excellent therapist had she gone into that field, shes good at listening and offering solutions

She also paints in her spare time!! And sells her paintings at local art shows!!

Shes got the worst sweet tooth ever Richard has to hide sweets in the house

She also works at the same college Logan attends, same with his father

Shes the only blonde in the family with green eyes

Logan Daniels

Out sassy skeptic! He’s 20 years old and currently attending college with a biology major and a astrology minor!

Hes pretty reserved at first glance, being the calm and common sense to both his best friend Virgil and his boyfriend Remus

But hes such a dork when you get to know him. He could go on for hours and hours about his interests(something Remus loves listening to)

He lives in a single person dorm on campus and works in the student union as well as does tutoring sessions for high schools for extra credits

Hes been dating Remus for a good four almost five years , and they met in freshman year of high school

His dorm room is covered in various posters for astrology and bands he enjoys, as well as a few old theater posters from Remus’s old performances

He was goddamn punk during high school, and Virgil loves to bring this up to embarrass him

He likes to always wear business casual unless hes staying in, and even then sometimes he keeps to his fashion habits a little too hard

Hes a decent cook, but he doesnt refuse the offer of someone else cooking for him either( or even going out to eat now and then)

Hes a very large and firm skeptic and greatly enjoys debating with virgil different aspects of his beliefs and paranormal experiences, and functions as the one between them to reason away happenings with logic as a way to ease Virgils nerves.

But he IS willing to see his best friends side of things if he is provided solid proof.

He also makes plenty of appearances on Virgil’s channel for a variety of reasons, and his fanbase really likes him

Hes also a very protective older brother, and is not afraid to verbal destroy anyone who hurts his little brother(much to Liams angsty horror)

He does have a car that he put Remus on his insurance for, so if his boyfriend ever DID need to drive it he would without complications

Logan also does join the boys on explorations, though this is a more rare occurance as he’d rather help them edit the videos and put them out in a timely manner

Hes pretty good at managing his student budget, but he has those moments of splurging randomly for things( as we all do sometimes)

Hes got a really REALLY nice laugh that not too many people outside his inner circle have heard

His eyes are a dark blue just like his dads, and he keeps his dark brown hair messy but practical

Liam Daniels

Logan’s baby brother! Our boy is 13 years old!!

Hes andy’s other best friend, and the final link to their little trio

Hes the more stoic of the three, as he is entering his rebellious angsty teen years a couple years early.

He loves space and the ocean, and wants to be a marine biologist someday.

Hes not the best at being social, thats why hes got King as their talker and hes the snarky fighter

This boi is alot fiestier than he looks but only his friends and family know that, and he will throw down if you even just look at his loved ones the wrong way( despite his height)

He doesnt always get social cues either which makes him come off kinda rude in situations but I promise he doesnt mean it

Someone got his mothers sweet tooth but cant have too much sugar because it messes with his body too much

like when he crashes from a sugar high he crashes hard and its BAD

Hes the shortest of his friends, just barely half an inch shorter than Andy

He always looks half tired and like he needs coffee but he cant have coffee so...

he loves to read and his room is filled with so many books!!

He also has a stuffed animal collection but shush about that its a secret

Hes also a spicy food lover( at least to a point, nothing too extreme)

He likes baggier clothes because theyre more comfortable, and he prefers comfort of fashion

His eyes are a brighter blue and he keeps his hair alot neater than his brother’s

Hes also very snappy, with a comeback for almost everything

Richard Daniels

The dad!! He works as a chemistry professor at the college and a part time physics teacher at the local high school( switching days)

Hes very tall at 6′2(compared to the rest of his family)

He looks really strict but hes surprisingly laid back about alot of things( though rules and discipline are NOT one of those things)

He is in his early fourties

He took care of the boys on his own for logans first ten years and Liams three before he met Olivia

Hes got the scolding parent look and The Tone mastered and sometimes even uses both on his students to get them to behave, with wildly successful results

Hes very logical and skeptical of things “unrealistic”

Was a stressed out stick in the mud before he met his wife, as he was a new single father trying to secure tennure in a teacher job

Hes the cook in the house, and is really good at it.

hes a more silent understood supporter of his children, as he is much more reserved than his wife

But he as the biggest soft spot for her

He always tries to raise his boys with a strong balanced set of values and manners

He also can play lacrosse, and was considered the best player back in school

He doesnt have a good relationship with his family aside from his mother, so the boys have only met their grandma on that side, as he doesnt want any toxic mindsets or ideals influencing his children( especially Liam)

compared to Olivia he isnt soft spoken at all but he would rather dissolve issues with communication and clarification, not anger or violence( yeah LIAM)

He also enjoys watching documentaries and doing casual photography from time to time

And its finally done!! All for families are complete and posted!!

Im really proud of these!! Especially the prince family photo! It took me days to figure out the poses...

All art referenced is credited to @aimasup @underdog-arts and @fangirltothefullest !!

Anyway i hope you guys enjoy! And hopefully soon ill be posting some writings for this au too! And posting more drawings! Enjoy!!

Taglist

@phantommoonpeople

@sweetsweetemo

@leesacrakon

@amazable01

@starbucks-remy

@jemthebookworm

@max-is-tired

@seriously-a-dragon

@sar-kasstic

@soupspam

@strawberryjellystuff

@aimasup

@unsocialchapeau

@underdog-arts

@fangirltothefullest

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blewink · 4 years

Text

Two Meant To Be //kth

Chapter 1

warnings: honestly nothing really happens this chapter but yknow, richasfuck!reader, richasfuck!taehyung, everyone is richasfuck! ,college!au, eventual smut, skz x bts x twice x red velvet x blackpink (it’s just one member of each group so it’s not as big as it looks)

a/n: this is a pretty big project for me and also a really big crossover. this chapter is more of an intro to the characters so nothing really happens but it was super fun to write. i hope y’all like it- blue 💙

p.s IM FINALLY WRITING ABT MY ULT NENDB

From the outside in, it seemed like you the perfect life, and you’ll admit, you did for a while. You had the perfect friend group and you guys had been friends since highschool too. You had the perfect boyfriend, emphasis on had. You had plenty of money to go around since you had earned many scholarships and started your jewlery business, which had recently taken off. Your friends we also doing really well financially and academically. It really seemed like you were finally taking control of your life, and you were the happiest you had been in a long time. That was, until you caught your boyfriend cheating on you.

After the breakup, you had become massively insecure of yourself and unsure of your path in life. It felt like your life had been completely turned upside down. But, your friends were there to help you through it. If you had describe your best friends, you would call it a healthy balance. Your friend group consisted of four boys and three girls. The boys consisted Chan, Taehyung, Jimin and Namjoon. You had been friends with Namjoon since middle school so you were bound to become friends with his friends eventually. The girls consisted of your best friends Dani, Mina, Wendy, and Jennie. You had been friends with your girls since highschool and once you found out all of you had been accepted to the same college, including Namjoons friends, you spent the summer together and got closer than ever.

You didn’t meet your boyfriend Lucas until your freshman year. When you met him, you thought you had met the man of your dreams. He was respectful of you, he didn’t create problems between your friends like some of your previous relationships. But most of all he showed you that he loved you, more than anyone had ever shown you before. That in its self was what made you fall in love with him. You felt like you were going to marry that boy, that was until the night you came home early and found your boyfriend in bed with another girl.

You were currently at the cafe in you school with your girls. After a full five days to process what had happened, you decided to pour your feelings out to your friends. “I just don’t understand what had happened between us.” You let out a sigh before taking a sip of your iced coffee.” It felt like we had so much connection and passion for each other. A whole years worth of love and trust just completely down the drain for another girl. I will admit, I have been pretty busy for the past 3 months, from working on my business and my classes. We haven’t exactly been, you know, getting it on.” You groan and let your had fall into your hands. Jennie was quick to say something, “Girl! You don’t have time to be sulking over a boy. You’re a badass and you don’’t need a boy to keep you happy. Plus, my birthday is this weekend and were going on the trip to New York and you’re gonna meet so many cuties.” You pause for a second,“Oh shit.” Your eyes go wide and you stop drinking your coffee. “What? Don’t tell me you forgot,” says Jennie. You bite your lip out of embarrassment and nod your head. Jennie lets out a small giggle before saying, “come on, Mina’s been planning this for weeks” You shake your head, “I know, I know. I’ve just been in my head for a while.” Mina is quick to respond, “It’s okay. I know you’ve been busy, you don’t have to come if you’re not ready.” “No it’s okay I’m gonna go. I’m okay now, just needed to rant and talk about it out loud.” You give Mina a small smile.

You realized how lucky you to just drop everything and take a casual trip to New York, but you didn’t grow up like that either. You grew up in an upper middle class family and you didn’t exactly financially struggle. But once you came to college and started your jewlery business, lets just say your class had gone up. Your girlfriends on the other hand had always been bit of the higher class, in other words, they were rich. Their parents being successful and big named people in all kinds of industries, they were just lucky to have been born into it. You always liked that they didn’t fluaunt their money and shove it into everyone’s faces. You had become somewhat immune to sudden or surprise trips to big cities. Knowing Jennie and Dani, you were probably gonna do some shopping today. Then, as if she read your mind, Jennie asks, “so do yall wanna go shopping or?” You all collectively nod in agreement, and get up to leave the cafe.

When you had all gotten to the mall, you decided to split up into pairs and you were now walking around with Jennie. You had first became friends with Jennie back in middle school and you were closest with her. You had seen the dozens of boys who practically threw themselves to her feet and yet she was the only single girl of the group (besides yourself.) You asked her a while ago why she never settled down with a boy and she responded with, “Boys give me attention and I like the attention but they dont give me love. I don’t want to settle for the bare minimum. I realize how many boys I could have dated and had an actual relationship with, but I don’t feel anything with them.I know I deserve love and I know i’ll meet someone, just maybe not yet. Plus the hook ups can be pretty great sometimes.” Sometimes you wish you could be as careless as her.

You guys were on your way to the stationary store to buy some stickers and other cute stationary things when Jennie blurts out, “You know. Tae has been eyeing you for sometime now.” You laugh because she has to be playing with you, but when you look over to see her serious face, you say, “That’s not possible. He doesn’t see me like that.” Jennie shakes her head, “I’m being serious!” You laugh and let her continue. “Last night I woke up and went to the kitchen and I heard him and Jimin talking about you. He was saying how you looked really good at Wendy’s party the other week and how he was gonna beat Lucas’s ass for hurting you. I think he’s gonna try to make a move on you this weekend.” You guys had now reached the store and you felt confused with what Jennie was telling you. “Jennie, friends can say that about each other. Plus, don’t you remember before I dated Lucas, Tae and I were flirting with each other and then it just stopped?” Her face turns into confusion, “Yeah, what ever happened with that?” You reach into the depths of your memory, remembering that time in your life. “Well one day, Tae just stopped flirting back and I didn’t see any reason to trying at something that wasn’t going to happen.” Jennie wasn’t about to drop all hope and she persisted, “Time has passed y/n, you of all people should know that emotions can change over time.” She gives you a face as she looks at you over a shelf in the store.

You didn’t want to think of what could have been or even of Taehyungs handsome being. Wait what? Now that Jennie had planted the idea in you mind you weren’t sure what to think anymore. “Jennie, you’re making me confused. I don’t need this right now.” She sighed, “Right. What you really need is Tae to give you some good dick.” You felt your face go red and the thoughts of Taehyungs bare body against yours flooded your mind. Jennie lets out a small scream, “YOU DO LIKE HIM!! I KNEW IT!” Groaning out of embarrassment, you grab Jennie’s hand and walk out of the store. “Okay fine. I have thought about him a couple times, even when I was with Lucas. But, I don’t want to ruin the relationship we have.” Jennie’s face softens, “Hey I know. I don’t want you to get hurt but I want you to at least try to start something with Tae. I wouldn’t give you false hope, you know that right?” You nod and promise to try. “Now please let me get some cute stuff, I need to keep my aesthetic going and now I have to actually try to look cute for someone.” Jennie laughs and agrees, taking your hand and enterlacing your fingers together and continued shopping.

#kim taehyung #kim taehyung smut #kim taehyung fluff #bts smut #bts kim taehyung #bang chan #park jimin #kim namjoon #jennie kim #blackpink #skz #bts #wendy red velvet #mina twice #inks💙

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loveburnsbrighter · 4 years

Text

Live In Your Heart

requested by @i-dont-even-effing-know-anymore. hope you enjoy! 💕

read it on ao3

"We're not setting up the wifi yet," Patrick says. He's got his Stern Face on, which usually means fun things, but sometimes, unfortunately, means that David will be required to do work. This seems to be one of those times.

"But babe," he says, wheedling, "how will I order pizza if I don't have wifi?" He brandishes his phone. "I ran out of data in New York last week." He went with Alexis to help her settle in — it's been a strain, her moving right before he and Patrick were set to, and he's frankly exhausted, physically and emotionally. "We promised Stevie pizza," he adds, as if he can convince Patrick that his motivation is purely selfless.

Patrick plucks the phone right out of his hand. "I'll call them," he says. "You remember, how we ordered pizza back in the nineties? By calling?"

"Ugh, don't remind me." David leans back against a towering stack of boxes, ignoring Patrick's pained look, and sighs heavily. "Alright, fine. We might as well get this done. Bedroom first, or kitchen?"

"We can put Stevie on kitchen duty when she gets here," Patrick says. "Bedroom now." He pauses for a moment, and then smiles slowly, like he can't help it. "Our bedroom," he says, and David wouldn't generally describe Patrick as a particularly jovial person, but he looks downright giddy.

David honestly can't blame him, feels that a little bit too, at the words. He's spent a lot of time at Patrick's place, and for the last month or so he's lived there fully, barring his four days in New York with Alexis. But it was still Patrick's place, no matter how at-home David made himself there. (Very.)

This is their place. David and Patrick's home. David and Patrick's bedroom.

"Our bedroom," he agrees, and grabs a box, following Patrick down the hall.

Their bedroom is, thus far, more or less a big empty cube. There's a weird alcove with the window in it that Patrick has been insisting he wants a window seat for, and the master bathroom door is on the wall kitty-corner to the bedroom door. David has been pleased (thrilled) to note that the whole thing comes with a lovely little walk-in closet; it's not huge, but it's easily three or four times the size of the closet back in Patrick's studio.

The movers brought in Patrick's bed yesterday and set it up against the far wall, and David and Patrick slept on the mattress on the floor at Patrick's place. "Okay, first things's first," David says, dropping his box in the middle of the floor. Patrick pointedly pushes it against a wall, and David ignores him. "Where are the sheets? Because we can not sleep on dirty sheets our first night in the new house, Patrick."

"Actually," Patrick says, "about that." He's barely trying to hide a shit-eating grin, and it makes David immediately wary.

"What," he says heavily.

"Okay, don't be mad," Patrick says, which tells David that he probably should be, "I should have talked to you probably but I wanted it to be a surprise," and he rushes through the words to keep David from interrupting. "I used all the money my grandparents gave us for our wedding and bought that flax-linen Pottery Barn set you wanted."

David gasps, because he has wanted that bed set so badly — fair trade linens in gorgeous soft sandy beige — but Patrick has insisted every time David has argued that it's frivolous to spend more than a hundred dollars on sheets. Their current sheets are from Target. "Like, the sheets —"

"The whole bed set," Patrick says, looking inordinately pleased with himself. "The sheets, the duvet and shams — I didn't get the dust ruffle because my bed frame —" But David doesn't get to hear about the dust ruffle because he's quite literally launching himself into Patrick's arms and kissing him.

Patrick makes a soft, surprised noise, not quite a laugh, and lifts his hands to hold David by the waist. He pulls back just a little, letting David kiss down his jaw, to say, "So you're not mad?"

"Linen sheets," David mumbles against his Adam's apple. He pulls back to smile down at Patrick, and Patrick is smiling back, radiant in a way that David never saw him before they got engaged, a way that he's seen more and more since they decided to buy the house. "Okay," he says, schooling himself, because if they do what he wants to do — which is tackle Patrick onto the bare mattress in their empty bedroom and thoroughly christen the house — then they'll never get to all the things they have to do. "Well, where are the new sheets, because they have to be washed before we can use them."

Patrick helps David wrestle the new bedding out of its insane packaging, and then builds a little fort in the tiny laundry room out of all the cardboard while David starts a load. He's relieved every second that the previous owners left their washer and dryer — they're both done with public laundry for the foreseeable future.

They grab another box each to haul into the bedroom on the way back down the hall; the bed and dressers are there already, and a single bookcase. David has already been in to clean the closet and repaper the shelves in there, and they've agreed that they don't want to paint the bedroom; it came a creamy off-white that feels warm and soft, somehow.

David puts on music — he's made a playlist just for this, full of high-energy, multigenerational pop, Tina and Britney and Mariah all sharing space. At some point Patrick logged into their shared Spotify — purely an economic choice; David didn't want Patrick's music fucking up his Wrapped, but that's not really worth ten bucks a month — and added Mumford and Sons and Bryan Adams and the Beach Boys, because Patrick has no sense of thematic or genre consistency. It's fine, he supposes; when you love someone, you're willing to compromise for them.

"'Framed wall art and photos - bedroom,'" Patrick says out loud, reading off the Sharpie label on a box. "Maybe we should save this one until we've got the basics together?"

"Okay," David agrees over an infuriatingly long banjo solo. "This one is your books?" Patrick gestures and David slides it over, watches him produce a knife from his pocket and slice open the top.

By the time Stevie strolls through the door, helpfully using her emergency key, they've mostly got the bedroom together. The mattress pad and sheets are on, with the duvet set in the dryer, and Patrick's books and David's books are commingled on the shelf, which David is alarmingly pleased by — they're married, but the sight of his Virginia Woolf next to Patrick's Agatha Christie makes him feel warm from the inside out.

"I picked up the pizza," Stevie shouts. "You owe me forty bucks in reimbursement!"

David skids down the hall, eager for pizza, with Patrick behind him.

"How in the name of god did you spend forty bucks on pizza?" Patrick wants to know.

Stevie shrugs, hugging him as David relieves her of the boxes. "I got garlic knots."

"And cheese bread," David says gleefully, spreading the boxes on the table. "And one of those big cookies."

Patrick sighs after him but dutifully digs three beers out of the fridge. (They set up all the appliances and TVs yesterday.) (All that's in the fridge so far is beer, a single head of lettuce, and a few bottles of green juice.) David accepts his beer with minimal distasteful nose-scrunching.

They make short work of lunch, and Patrick sets Stevie up in the kitchen with a roll of shelf paper and more boxes than he'd ever thought he could fill with kitchen stuff; the dishes from his apartment, of course, and then they'd gotten a lot of the classic appliance wedding gifts: a brand new blender, a four-slice toaster ("but what will you use?" David had asked), an upright mixer, a block of knives with marble handles that Patrick is actually thrilled with.

David finishes making the bed, and then he just stands and stares at it for a second; he can't wait for Patrick to have sex with him in these sheets in this bedroom, but he also can't wait for Patrick to cuddle with him in this bed. Watch movies with him. Hold him close and fall asleep with an arm slung low over his waist.

Patrick comes up behind him and settles warm hands on his hips, and David leans back into the touch. "Stevie and I want to get started on the living room," Patrick says, hooking his chin over David's shoulder. "You just about done in here?"

David crosses his arms across his own waist and takes Patrick's hands, swaying. One of Patrick's songs is playing from David's tiny speaker. I've been so happy loving you, Dennis Wilson croons into the space, less echoey than it was earlier before they got their pictures up. He looks around at their new room; the receipt from their first date is already on the bookshelf, and there's a framed poster for that first open mic night, and one from Alexis' singles week. These are all things from Patrick's apartment; all this time, he's been collecting little souvenirs for them. Stepping stones tracing the path of their relationship. There's a framed wedding invitation, too, and photos: from the store opening, Patrick's birthday, their bachelor party, their wedding.

Even after David landed in Schitt's Creek without a paddle, if he'd been asked to describe his future, he would have crafted a life more or less like the one he'd left: galleries and parties, a drugged-out A-list entourage, globetrotting in the wake of Alexis' endless stream of near misses. He never could have imagined this: a house in a small town, a business heavily patronized by flannel-clad locals, a single friend who loved him enough to help him move. Alexis settled in one place, his parents settled in another, weekly Facetime calls.

Five gold rings on his fingers, the most beautiful man he's ever seen in Costco jeans, holding him and swaying and singing softly in his ear: "Forever, together my love…" A sedan that clicks in the driveway, blueprints for a vegetable garden. All the Ricky-and-Lucy trappings of a good life, things he never would have expected to love.

"You won," Stevie told him a few months ago, when he brought her here to sit in the driveway and pour out his heart. And David can hear her clanking dishes together downstairs, and Patrick is warm against his back, and the song is fading out the way that slow seventies rock does, and David knows, bone-deep, unshakeably, that she was right.

#david x patrick #fanfiction #rye.txt #stevie budd #schitt's creek

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runearcana · 4 years

Text

Reasons I am Terezi:

My soon to be deadname sounds like Terezi.

I have an absurdly long tongue.

I look and dress like Terezi. [my hair ends up short, and when I straighten it, it always has a curve at the ends like hers. Ive always thought I look like a female version of Karkat and even tried to be more like him.] I primarily wear black t-shirts with nerdy images.

I love mysteries, solving them, and have a knack for knowing the law on an intuitive level.

I had a best fuckin friend forever that I did everything with. We called ourselves the Greythorne Sisters. I was Wither and she was Malice. [telling much?]

When I broke up with her, I.. used my very strong foresight and saw that there would be issues if we stayed friends. Karkat also encouraged me to do it and was outside when I went through with it. After I told her, she literally crumpled, and I hugged her one last time. She didnt expect it at all. ._.

I went insane with regret and self-hatred afterwards.

My ultimate crush looked, acted, and spoke [yelled] EXACTLY like Karkat.

The reason I got into Homestuck was because I was incredibly shocked at how his likeness was captured in the fan art, and even the official art. EVERYTHING is the same except he has grey-blue eyes, caucasion skin color, lacks horns. Everything else is the same. He sounds most like a more masculine version of Broadway Karkat. Very wicked and masculine voice. Extremely intimidating guy despite his size. [hes not short, just shorter than youd expect someone with a cocky personality like his.]

Karkat even called us the Scourge Sisters.

He hated Vriska. He was jealous of her as well, as anyone interested in me would have been.

I loved Karkat, more than anyone except Vriska, but my self-esteem was too low to believe he legitimately cared about me. On some level I knew he cared about me, but I was too BLIND to see it.

I didnt know I loved Vriska more than Karkat until I had already lost her. v.v

Vriska and I had a serious BDSM relationship [kismesis] after being moirails a very long time. We should have stayed moiraills. :[ It was really my fault that she acted the way she acted.

I am an empath and I can legitimately taste peoples energies.

I may as well be blind because my eyesight is useless to me without glasses.

My favorite color isnt red, its TEAL, but I have a crazy fetish for fiery guys.

Libra ascendant, which is funny because A. your ascendant was your sign in a previous life, and B. its the realm of your PERSONALITY. [Sun is about your life path and moon is about emotions. :P]

I am creepy and cute [or was when I identified as female]. I love scaring the shit out of people. >:]

I like 1337, but I refuse to type that way all the time even though quirks are awesome conceptually. I mean if I could program the computer to remember my quirk, itd be different, but that isnt a thing yet. Itd definitely spice the internet up much more. :]

I still play with plushies and whatevers at hand and draw with chalk.

I adore dragons and see myself as one because I was born in the year of the dragon. :P

I like to cosplay, and wear capes pretty often.

Dave is someone I cared about a great deal. He had a crush on me, but I saw him as a brother. Dirk is a total piece of shit and hurt Dave and Karkat and its why they have so much in common. He IS Daves bro. Dave sort of sticks up for him and Dirk has clueless followers.

Gamzee was a best friend of mine like Dave and we technically had a kismisitude relationship. Gamzee told me Karkat was his best friend but I didnt know it was mutual. He was very upset that Gamzee and I were kinda together.

One night I was sitting at the end of Vriskas bed, thinking she was asleep, and trying not to wake her up with blowing my nose. She was awake and spooked and said she thought I was cackling like a maniac at the end of the bed like a creep. I thought it was pretty much a good assessment.

Another time she told me that while I was asleep, she saw an *evil* me with a sharp toothed grin and grey skin. It didnt seem improbable to me.

John is my biological brother. Hes a Virgo sun, and hes a nerd. :] Hes the only person beside my dad and aunt I talk to. [lots of friends I have, lol.]

Rose is a c*nt but I was fascinated with her for some reason. Rose hates Homestuck because of the fanbase. [lolll]

Kanaya is her sister, not gf/wife. Shes cool, and a reasonable person and was a friend, but we didnt talk much. I dont know why really.. x.x

Aradia was my best friend before Vriska. She and Sollux are married. I had a crush on her hsband and it was awkward.

Equius is an ex. Longest relationship Ive been in was with him.

Eridan is as much of a insufferable asshat as he is in the series, but not good looking in the slightest. He can be.. surprisingly insightful at times. None of us like him, even us INFPs. [Dave and I.]

I see Aranea as my mother. Talks non-stop, ruins lives.. but I used to look up to her.

Calliope was a fellow dragon lover friend that Dave introduced me to. Her handle was Celestial Serpent and she is even more asexual than I am. :]

My friends saw my and Karkats connection as being more like Karkats and Nepetas. He treated me like I was autistic and mostly ignored me. Probably until I confessed to him, and then after I went crazy because I had lost Vriska, and hoped that I could rely on him to be there for me. but despite all that bravado cockiness of his, hes a total wimp. ._.] Karkat and I had a ridiculously brief unspoken relationship that was only through telepathic communication and I got beyond frustrated and kissed a woman, and it was over like that. No one knows about this but us. Its another thing that I have ruminated on and hated myself for and deeply regretted.

I envy gamer girls who are actually good at games and wish I could be more confident and popular. v.v; [Latula]

I had a character on Gaiaonline with the Chucku Norisu scarf and the winged staff item and people drew freebie art of it for me, and when I looked at my pictures after learning about Homestuck it was pretty crazy.

Vriska [best artist I know] drew a character that looked a lot like Terezi that I had liked a lot.

I was very isolated when I was young. Neglected by my parents for the most part and felt too different from other humans. I always wanted a tree house and bulit my own club house that I hung out in as a kid.

My friends pretty much unfairly looked down on and even despised Vriska except Gamzee.

I love the taste and sight of blood. [Im a sadist.]

Dave made a proposition that he, me and Karkat be in a poly relationship and I turned it down. [I did not want to share Karkles with ANYONE. I know in the comic Dave actually disliked the idea, but the poly thing came up with the three of us. I dont know if Karkat was cool with it or not because he always used Dave as our go-between, but if Dave made the offer it must have been Karkat approved. Asshole. -.-]

Karkat and Dave live together and are more than likely morails. Karkat isnt attracted to Dave, but Dave has said he is attracted to Karkat.

I had a dragon umbrella that looked like a cane that I loved a lot.

Karkat is pretty much the unofficial group leader, or at least he was in my opinion. I could see Sollux saying Id make a better leader, though, because Im more clear-headed and calm about things and people from that group respected me [more than I was aware of].

We are all connected somehow.. but the main group consisted of Dave, Gamzee, Rose, Kanaya, me [Terezi], Karkat, and a few people I didnt see as characters from Homestuck. Vriska was not allowed to hang out with us at first. When she finally got her freedom [with my help] she wouldnt hang with the group, and they saw her as taking me away from them. They thought she treated me poorly, but she really didnt. -.- [Vriska did nothing wrong, theyre all just jerks.]

I dont hang out or talk to any of them anymore except John. Im always finding myself reminiscing and I really just wish I could forget I ever met them so I could start over fresh.

I have a spirit guide that is a DRAGON and teaches me anything Id like to know, especially in esoteric matters. His name is Shadowfall Ryu. Ryu is Japanese for Dragon. [lusus] and I agonize that I dont know him irl. Everyone knows about him. I have drawn so much art of him and talked about him so much. He is my ideal self. [i know the lusus in the comics is female, but whatever. Its still interesting.]

I collect dragon stuff, including plushies. I still play with them and wish others would play with me.

List goes on and on.

I cant make this stuff up.

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xopinkmilk18xo · 4 years

Text

Get to know me!

1. Name

Courtney Jane Smith

2. Nationality

Australian

3. Age

4. Birthday

11th December 2001

5. Zodiac sign (or your primal zodiac sign)

Sagittarius / Ophiuchus

6. Gender

Female

7. Sexuality

Bisexual💙💖💜

8. Your looks (add a picture or describe yourself)

Ew I know

9. What do you/did you study?

I will be going on to study Children’s Nursing at University but in school I studied Sociology, Photography and Childcare

10. What’s your current job like?/What job would you like to have?

I currently hold a part time job at my local corner shop, but will hopefully end up with a job as a children’s nurse or something to do with childcare:)

11. Your birth order

Aaron, Charlotte, Abbey, Me:), Lacey

(I think that is what this means)

12. How many siblings do you have?

13. Do you have good relations with your family?

Yes but not with my first oldest sister

14. How many friends do you have?

Like 2 lol

15. Your relationship status

Taken🥰

16. What do you look for in a SO?

Good personality, being good looking helps (dont want to date a troll u know) and well I guess that’s it really

17. Do you have a crush?

Yes on my boyfriend

18. When did you have your first kiss?

When I was 14

19. Do you prefer serious and meaningful relationships or casual dating/one night stands?

Serious and meaningful

20. What are your deal breakers?

I’m not really sure:/

21. How was your day?

It was okay, could’ve been better but overall it was meh

22. Favourite food & drink

I love pasta like I could marry pasta haha. And my favourite drink is probably either fresh orange juice or something fizzy

23. What position do you sleep in?

On my side, hugging my pillow with my leg out as if it’s straddling someone (I’m lonely, my boyfriend needs to stay over at some point)

24. What was your last dream about?

I honestly wish I could remember but they are so fucking crazy right now

25. Your fears

Spiders, snakes, heights, large crowds, death (morbid I know) and being lonely:(

26. Your dreams

To travel the world with my baby🥺 as well as buy my own house, get my dream career, get married and have babies (basic I know but this is what I want in life and will feel so lucky and blessed if this happens)

27. Your goals

Same as the above I guess? To travel the world with the loml, become a child nurse, get my dream house then get married, have babies and live a happy long life:)

28. Any pets?

Yes! A cat called Binka and a dog called Shiro (Japanese for White as he is a white Japanese Akita)

29. What are your hobbies?

Cooking, baking, cleaning (weird I know), singing, dancing and sleeping haha

30. Any cool places in your area?

Um, I mean I live about 30 minutes from the beach and it has a “hidden cave” (it’s quite easy to spot if you know where it is) that I go to with a few friends some nights and watch the sunset. So that’s pretty cool

31. What was your last awkward situation?

They happen so often I don’t even know which one to write about I’m such an awkward person lol

32. What is your last regret?

I don’t know really

33. Language/s you can speak

I can speak Italian, Spanish, Russian and some French

34. Do you believe in astrological stuff? (Zodiac, tarot, etc.)

To a certain extent, yes

35. Have any quirks?

Um I’m not sure?

36. Your pet peeves

I have so many but my BIGGEST pet peeve is the people who like to one-up a situation so I have a friend like this but she’s like one of my only friends so I don’t want to say anything woops but for example I could say to her “I only got 5 hours sleep” she would then turn around and be like “oh well I went to bed at 11 and woke up at 3am and couldn’t sleep” it’s like okay cool but stop trying to one up me thank u bye

37. Ideal vacation

DisneyWorld or Bora Bora (two complete different places I know but I’ve been to both many times and they’re both amazing)

38. Any scars?

I have a scar on my chin from when I hit it on the stair rail when I was a child and I have a surgery scar from when I had my appendix removed

39. What does your last text message say?

It’s me texting my email to my boyfriend because he needed it for something (kinda personal nothing bad tho)

40. Last 5 things from your search history

Majority of it right now is me googling Birthday presents for a family member as well as flight times because I was curious what the time from LA to Texas was haha

41. What’s your [device] background?

Lock screen is me and my boyfriend and my home screen is a flower picture I took

42. What do you daydream about?

A lot of different things, it all depends on how I’m feeling

43. Describe your dream home

Something small and quaint yet modern and big enough to raise a big family

44. What’s your religion/Your thought about religion

I have nothing against religion and what people believe in. I personally am not religious but I do believe in something. Not God or Jesus but I believe that something like that HAS to exists (sorry if I offended anyone I really did not mean to:/)

45. Your personality type

Really shy and quiet (social anxiety tings😚dont worry I have actually been diagnosed) but ince you get to know me I come out of my shell a bit more

46. The most dangerous thing you’ve done

Went sky diving (it was terrifying)

47. Are you happy with your current life?

Yes but no

48. Some things you’ve tried in your life

I don’t really know how the hell to answer this question I’m sorry🥺

49. What does your wardrobe consist of?

A lot of different colours but I wear mainly grey and black clothes hehe

50. Favourite colour to wear?

Black or grey🤪

51. How would you describe your style?

I don’t really know, definitely not trendy I can tell you that but all the styles I want to try I just KNOW will look bad on me

52. Are you happy with your current looks?

Not really no lol😚✌🏼

53. If you could change/add something to your appearance - impossible or not - what would it be?

I honestly would change my entire face, especially my nose, if it was smaller I’d feel slightly better about my appearance (nothing against big noses lol I just don’t like mine)

54. Any tattoos or piercings?

I had my ears and nose pierced but took them out and just forgot to put them back in and now the holes have sorta closed up.

I then also have a small turtle on my ankle - for a close friend (still alive lol but it’s just a nice thing to have) and I have plans to get a few more just need to decided when I want them because I keep chickening out

55. Do you get complimented often?

Yes sorta but only by my boyfriend

56. Favourite aesthetic?

I’m not sure?

57. A popular trend that you dislike

I’m not really aware of any popular trends as of right now tbh

58. Songs you’re currently obsessed with?

Adore You by Harry Styles and for some reason Feel so Close by Calvin Harris

59. Song you normally wouldn’t admit you like.

Mr Brightside - I hate the song (dont attack me pls) but it lowkey, high key is a BOP

60. Favourite genre?

Mainly throwback songs so I guess pop songs? Tbh my genre of music is all over the place

61. Favourite artist/band/genre?

I love 5 Seconds of Summer and One Direction but that’s it really

62. Hated popular songs/artists?

I HATE Dance Monkey and High Hopes (they get on my nerves so much idk why)

63. Put your music on shuffle and list first 5

September - Earth Wind & Fire

Truth Hurts - Lizzo

Jealous - Labrinth

Bad Romance - Halestorm (such a bop)

Break Free - Ariana Grande

64. Can you sing or play any instruments?

I can sing, I also play piano and guitar (strings have broken though and so haven’t played in a while)

65. Do you like karaoke?

I LOVE karaoke

66. Own any albums?

Yes, mainly 5SOS and One Direction haha

67. Do you listen to radio? What stations?

Sometimes, no particular station as I only listen to it to fill in the silence in certain situations

68. Favourite movie/series?

I love the Frozen films but also the Harry Potter films sooooo much

69. Favourite genre of movies/books/etc

I don’t really have a favourite tbh

70. Your fictional crush/es

I know it’s typical but I have the biggest crush on Harry Potter lol

71. Which fictional character is you?

I don’t know?

72. Are you a shipper? List your otps, if so

No not really

73. Favourite greek god?

I don’t have a favourite Greek god but I like Athena purely because I like the name haha

74. A legend from where you live that you like

I don’t really know of any legends however there is a myth that a Panther is on the loose in the Blue Mountains

75. Do you like art? What’s your favourite work or artist?

I like to look at art and admire it however I do not have a favourite artist or anything like that

76. Can you share your other social media?

I sure can:)

Twitter Instagram Wattpad

Snapchat - cjmushmush (you don’t have to add it and also don’t question the name I was 11)

77. Favourite youtubers?

Shane Dawson, Ryland Adams, Morgan Adams, Jeffree Star and The Dolan Twins

78. Favourite platform?

I am obsessed with Tik Tok so I’d say that’s probs my fave

79. How much time do you spend on the internet?

Far too much I can tell you that

80. What video games have you played? Which one’s your favourite?

I used to play minecraft and now all I do is play Sims 3 and 4 which are my absolute faves

81. Your favourite books (manga also counts)

I don’t really have any

82. Do you play board/card games?

Yes but not very often

83. Have you ever been to a night marathon in cinema?

No I didn’t even know that was a thing

84. Favourite holiday

I LOVE CHRISTMAS SO MUCH❤️💚❤️💚

85. Are you into dramas?

Yes

86. Would you use death note, if you had one?

I don’t know what a death note is?

87. What changes would you make in the world, no matter how impossible, if you had the power to?

I wouldn’t choose world peace because then everything would be the same and it would be boring but if I had the power I would make sure everyone had a stable home with at least hot clean water and a nice warm bed, as well as curing world hunger because I’m nice like that

88. Could you survive a zombie apocalypse?

Probably not

89. If you had to be turned into a paranormal being, what would it be?

A ghost

90. What would you want to happen to you after your death?

Become a ghost haha

91. If you had to change your name, what would be your pick?

Anything but Courtney - my name was almost Octavia so that would also be out of the question

92. Who would you switch your life with for a week?

So many people I’d love to do this with so I’m not sure

93. Pick an emoji to be your tattoo

🦥 (only because I love sloths)

94. Write 3 things about yourself - only one of them must be true

(these are the most random things I’m sorry)

I was born in the UK (not true, born in Sydney)

I am not single (True, I am in a relationship:))

I love avocado (I actually DESPISE IT)

95. Cold or hot?

Cold because that can = snuggles duh

96. Be a hero or be a villain?

Be a villain because I hate the attention (hero would probs get a lot of attention) and everyone hates me anyway lol

97. Sing everything you want to say or rhyme?

Probably sing everything considering I do that a lot anyway

98. Shapeshifting or controlling time?

Control time because I’d go back to the past a change some things then go back to today so I can still be with my boyfriend❤️

99. Be immortal or be immune to everything aside from natural death?

Be immortal that would be pretty fun

100. ….. or …..?

What does this one even mean?

#gettoknowme #gettoknowmequestions #gettoknowmetag

4 notes · View notes

twilightxcx · 5 years

Text

Paul Lahote - Jealousy

Anonymous asked: I would like to read a paul story... but i have no ideas! 😂 maybe some fight, break up and make up? Jealousy? Sweet Paul? Sexy Paul? All? 🤔🤔🤣 sorry, i'm not helpful 🙈🙈

Thank you for your request anon! Disclaimer, I do not see/and / or wanna keep up an ideal that Jared is misogynic. But for this story's sake I made him that. (I view my babes as nothing but perfect, and that's that)

Readers POV

It's 5 in the afternoon when I arrive at Sam and Emily's house. The welcoming smell of food is the first thing to catch my attention as I take of my jacket and shoes. Whilst the warmth fills my body little by little from the cold weather outside, I hear two laughs coming from the kitchen. Entering the kitchen, I find my best friends Emily and Kim chatting. Emily standing smilingly next to the stove with her big baby bump, stiring in a pot where the amazingly smeeling of food comes from, and Kim standing next to her cutting vegetables for our planned dinner together. In difference to Emily she carries no baby just yet, but a a beautiful engagement ring sitting on her finger from a month ago when her and Jared celebrated 2 years together. Looking down at my hand i am also finding a beautiful ring set on my left ring finger, a ring I got just a year after Paul and I started dating. Today we are 2 years and counting.

Since it's a girl night only today I eagerly start helping them with the food whilst chatting about the pack in general, laughing ocationally at funny things that's mentioned before the food is ready and we sit down to eat.

A few hours later we have eaten dinner, made and eaten a beautiful dessert consisting of chocolate cake and just chatted. Soon the boys and Leah are gonna be on their way back, having food already warming up on the stove whilst me and the girls take a seat in Emily's living room.

"I just can't understand you are gonna have a baby soon, I mean it's just about 3 months left!" Kim states with a happy tone making Emily smile looking down at her big belly stroking it. "You are right, it's all gone so fast. With me and Sam getting married last year and now we are having a family. I can't wait to see our baby girl grow up!" Emily says happily looking over at me as i also smile happily for Emily and Sam's sake. They have gone through so much but now they can finally just have a life together and raise a child, it's beautiful really.

"When are you and Paul gonna have one?" She then asks me making Kim also turn her focus at me. Directly i see a spark turn lit inside of her at Emily's question, making me feel a bit uncomfortable.

"Uhm maybe next year? I don't know. Paul talks a lot about it but I don't wanna rush into things." I answer before Kim interrupts my thoughts.

"Omg what if you were to get married whilst pregnant? You would look so good with a long white dress and a round belly." Kim says exitedly as I screw myself in the chair a little, unsure what to answer. Emily agrees with Kim.

"Who's gonna get married whilst pregnant?" Embry then all suddenly says, surpising me but also Emily and Kim with his presence. With him I also see Jared and Seth, Jared directly locking eyes with his imprint before siting down next to her in the sofa where both her and Emily is seated. Seth on the other hand sits down next to me, greeting me whilst doing so.

"Y/N and Paul!" Kim explains exitedly, making me feel even more uncomfortable then before now that there is a crowd. Jared kisses his girl on her cheek. "Nah I think if she's gonna have a baby it's gonna be with Emmet, you know based on her love for cold, vampire guys with too little brain." Jared jokes, making all of the guys in the room laugh, including himself and Kim. But I don't laugh, and Emily doesn't either.

In the corner of my eye I see Paul enter, hearing this out of context. Meanwhile Emily starts defending how good relationship Paul and I have and how much we love eachother since she knows that Paul isn't the happiest about me hanging out with the Cullens in the first place. But Jared doesn't listen, and also doesn't seem to know that Paul is present, so he continues.

"Come on. Like Emmet wouldn't diss Rosalie, a cold unfertlie vampire who also doesn't seem to be able to take a joke for a warm, fertile, funny girl like Y/N! Also, you call them 'friends' but who knows what happeneds behind closed doors!" Jared keeps on joking teasingly, making Paul turn furious. As I realise where this is heading, I then quickly stand up before placing myself between Paul who's shakings are increasing by the second and Jared who now finally is aware about Paul's presence in the first place.

"Paul nothing of what he just said is true. Let me guide you out and I'll happily stay in the forrest with you until you calm down so we can talk about this." I say placing my hand on his cheek, but it's too late. Pauls shaking are already increasing even further.

"I'm sorry man, I didn't mean to, it was a joke. I didn't even know you where here" Jared is now standing up. The three of us stand close, with me in the middle trying to keep them away from eachother.

"Y/N let me go, I dont wanna hurt you" Paul voice is angrier then I first would have imagined it to be. He's shaking uncontrollably and breaths in angry huffs, tying to calm himself down.

Jared on the other half tries to get even closer to me and Paul, making Paul even angrier. Paul softly pushes me away, not hard enough to harm me but hard enough to increase the distance between us. Now he's face to face with Jared, who seems more worried then anything.

"Then why did you say those things? Some of things must be true if you were joking about them" Paul growls as I once again place myself between the two men, getting a worried look from both Seth and Embry, both of them prepared to drag two wolves out of the house if this goes out of hand.

"Paul don't take it out on him. He was just joking. Please just go outside with me and I'll happily stay with you until you have calmed down."I say sympatically placing my hand on his warm arm, directly getting lightly pushed away again.

"Don't touch me Y/N. Why would you defend him if it werent true? You are just as false as all of them, I regret that I ever trusted you. I don't want anything to do with you ever again." He barks at me, hurting me even more for each word he speaks, and I feeze in chock. Did he really mean that?

He soon realizes his mistake, and keeps on shaking uncontrollably whilst trying to erase the small distance between us. I shake my head at him, meeting his eyes filled with regret as I feel the first tears leave the corners of my eyes.

"I-no I didn't.." Is everything I hear from him before the guys drag him out, to afraid he might shift this close to me. I don't even react at him screaming my name, it's useless. He doesn't want me anymore.

As I keep on crying my vision turns blurry, and because of all the thoughts spinning in my head my world turns quiet. I don't really hear anything after that, all I see is how the guys drags him out of the house, into the forest where he shifts in anger, and fear. A second later he is gone before a howl echoes through the house.

All suddenly someone puts its arms around me, holding me close. Then another person also puts its arms around me. I don't react at any of the calming words or gestures. I just feel cold inside.

My whole world is still blurry and I see barley nothing. And I feel nothing, I'm just empty. I pull away from the embrance, hearing Emily call my name as I put on my jacket and shoes in a quick manner before running out the house. Luckily no one follows me, I guess they are to focused about what happened to Paul, my fiancé. Or atleast he was mine.

I run home in the pouring rain, closing the door with a hard bang before locking it. I already know I am home alone, Paul is most likely not in the mood to see me right now, or ever again for that matter. After taking of my jacket and my shoes I then stumble into our bathroom. Without taking of any of my clothes I turn on the shower with hot boiling water. Just before I stand myself under it I place my phone on the sink, still wanting to have a phone later on.

I am still numb from feelings, so non understanding what I did wrong. It wasn't me who spoke those things, and even less so me who wanted to beat up my best friend for saying them in the first place. But still he blames me, because he is jealous and can't take that I have other males around me. Male friends, nothing more. Only if he would understand that.

As the warmth fills my cold body I relax under the steaming streams of water. It's like they are waking up my shocked body into an awaken state again and soon I find myself crying. Crying over how much I love that stupid man, but also crying over the fact he didn't believe me, but he believe his friend that knows nothing about me, absolutely nothing.

I stand there until the water goes cold, and even then I don't step out. I don't know how long I stand there. 20 minutes, 1 hour? 2 hours? Time seems to go so slow, every breath I take feels like having a truck pushing down my own chest. But then finally, I stand out of the shower, finally ready to atleast go to bed. No toothbrushing, no hugs and kisses or cuddles from the man I love. No. Just me, my thoughts and my cries.

Stepping out of the shower, I trip and fall. It takes a minute or two to realise what actually happened, and I see that I've not only hit my head, but wrenched my left ankle, and that I am bleeding from my right hand. With a little bit of help from leaning against the shower door, I soon get up standing, only to reach for my phone to call for help.

SETH'S POV

As Paul got carried out through the door to the forest by Embry, Jared and Quil, I stayed in the house with Emily, looking after Y/N.

After Paul said those horrible things to her she just zoned out and just ran out of the house a few minutes later. I and Emily did even try to hug her to show our sympathy, but she didn't react. It hurt a lot in me seeing her that hurt, and I wanted to follow when she left but Sam made me stay. He said he was gonna talk to Paul as soon as he calmed down, and that this would soon be over as if it was a normal thing that Paul and Y/N had a fight in the first place. It's not, and knowing Y/N correctly I know she doesn't take this as lightly as Sam said she is gonna be. I don't know what she thinks, but all of us wolves feel Paul's angst and anger at himself. Shes his imprint and he fucked shit up, as always.

Looking at Emily contenly asleep in the sofa next to me, I sigh, before looking back at the TV on with some bad soap opera. I wish Y/N was here. Kim and Jared have already gone home, Sam told Jared to stay away a while until Y/N and Paul work things out. And whilst Paul is calming down with Sam and Jake the others had to go on patrol. Except me, I am looking after Emily.

After another while of hearing snoring coming from sleeping Emily across the couch and having the soap opera coming to an end, I stand up and take her in my arms, bride style, soon placing her in her and Sam's bed before heading out of the house. Whilst locking the front door since Emily is the only one home at the moment, my phone starts buzzing and I imedietly start wondering who wants to contact me this late at night.

"Hello?" I speak, not looking at the screen before answering. "Hey! Seth, I, I need your help" It's Y/N and she sounds sad, and afraid.

"Are you okey Y/N? Where are you now?" I ask worriedly, she sniffles a cry. "Just come to mine and Paul's house. Use the key under the door carpet to get in. Hurry." She says before hanging up. As soon as the call is ended I start running towards the forest, undressing quite messy while doing so.

When I shift to wolf form I hear all of the guys talking to eachother, through our mind link. Sam and Jake talk about Paul finally calling down, whilst Leah, Embry, Quil and the pups run around the border searching for vampires. As soon as they hear my thoughts Paul is on his way towards his and Y/N's house, together with me, Jake and Sam.

When we get there Paul is quick to pick up the key from under the mat, and unlocks the door before all four of us almost run inside. We are all wet from the rain, naked under our shorts entering the small house. A small cry hears from the bathroom.

"Babe? Are you in there." He calls, walking hurriedly over to the bathroom door, trying to open it. We follow.

"Paul?" She sniffles, all of us hearing the sad, desperate tone in her voice. "What are you doing here?" She continues sadly, not a single trace of being mad in her tone. He hums agreeingly.

"Yes its me baby please open the door. Seth called for us." Paul says yet again trying to open the locked bathroom door.

Y/N's POV

"Yes its me baby please open the door. Seth called for us." Paul says as I am sitting down on the cold bathroom floor, not able to stand and therfore not able walk another step. He then tries to open it again, hoping it might work but it doesn't.

"After you said those things I ran home and took a shower, trying to ease my mind but as I stepped out of the shower I think i fell wrenching my foot. I am bleeding on a few fingers on my right hand but I also seem to have hit my head. I don't remember that much. I called Seth whilst I still was able to stand up." I say as the guys outside turn quiet for a moment.

"It's okey beautiful, we are gonna get you out" Paul says, worry filling his voice. "You think you need stitches?" He asks as the other guys seem to have left the door in order to search for the spare key to the bathroom in other parts of the house. I nod to myself, taking in the deep cuts in my ring-, and longfinger but also thumb. "Yes" I say as Seth seems to have come back, giving Paul the extra key before the door seconds later turns open.

"Omg babe what did you do" He says crouching down to where I sit, gently placing his arms under my legs and back to carry my hurt body into the bedroom. Placing me down on the bed, something touches my feet and indirectly moves my hurt ankle, making me hiss in pain. Paul realizes this, and calls for the others to get bandaid, call Sue and a water bottle.

A few minutes later the guys have patched my thumb us as good as they till Sue gets here and can stich my wounds together. My foot is put in a bandage and I am not allowed to sit up, due to the dizziness of my head. Paul even snarls at Jake when he tries to see if anything in my hand is broken, but since I still can move all five fingers we think It should be fine.

"I'm here you guys! I'm here!" Sue, Seth's mom arrives maybe fifteen minutes after Paul told Seth to call her. She walks into the bedroom with a bag full of doctors equipment and if she were not to have come in regular clothes you would think I was a patient and she was my doctor. Sue is a nurse, and has even work some at the hospital where also Carlisle works.

"Let's get you into one piece again, shall we?" She says siting down next to me in the bed as I nod. She starts taking of the bandage of my wounded hand, reveling the wounds cut open from a sharp edge by the showerdoor. Both Paul and Seth gasps as Jake let's ut a quiet 'damn'. After she's examinated it for a minute she starts cleaning around it with some rubbing alcohol, me twitching at the sudden strong pain in and nearby the wounds.

"You okay?" She asks me as Paul circulate the room like a stressed out puppy. Sam mentions for him to sit down next to me in the bed, taking my unharmed hand in his stroking it gently with his thumb while doing so. He grips at it tighter when she starts stitching my hand back together.

"There you go Y/N. Now I just need to look at your head a little since the guys did such a great job at stabilizing your foot, so I think that atleast should be fine."

20 minutues later I am still placed in my bed, with absolutely no allowence what so ever to even go to the bathroom for myself. After Sue finished examining me it turned out I also got a small concussion. So on top of my sprained ankle and a cut open hand, I not will not to be allowed to do anything without help for the next two weeks. So I will not only feel like a dead zombie I will look like one too.

As in for now Seth and Sam are talking with Sue about further medication and treatment whilst Jacob and Paul stays in the bedroom with me. Sue got me some medication for the hand, already making me feel even more tired then before.

Whilst I'm laying here almost forgetting what happened between me and Paul a few hours ago, I can feel he's still pretty worried about it. Not because I don't think that is fair, but because I am to tired to care and both of us know what he said not will change my feelings for him. Jake speaks up.

"So, no work or studies for the rest of this month huh" He says, trying to start a conversation since Paul honestly looks to shaken to start one himself. I sigh.

"Yes. Exactly. Me and this bed are gonna spend a lot of time together." I say with a tired, sad voice. Paul murmurs something I can't interpret.

"What were you saying Paul?" I say, slowly turning my head towards Paul, not wanting to make any sudden movements. In the corner of my eye I can see Jake leave the room, probably so that we can talk privately. Turning my gaze back to Paul, he sits very sunken with his head hanging low, and a ashamed look on his face. He takes a long moment just staring at our intertwined fingers before he answers me.

"If it wasn't for me this wouldn't have happened from the beginning. I let my aggression take over before I even listened to what you had do say about it. I know nothing of what he said was true, but just the thought of it got me shaking in anger." He breathes out in frustration over his own actions. I just sit still listening whilst he continues.

"I just didn't want this to happen, I didn't wanna hurt you but yet here we are. I am so sorry Y/N, I am an god damn idiot. You are an amazing woman and I fucking failed you." He says, letting go of my hand to cover up his red puffing face from me, about to cry. I place my unharmed hand on his shoulder, trying to scooch over as much as I possibly can with on working leg and one working arm. He starts sniffling.

"Hey baby look at me. Don't worry I am not mad at you" I speak truthfully, moving my hand from his shoulder to stroke his hair and scalp, knowing this soothes him. He shakes his head removing his hands from his face, looking up at me.

"I hurt you" He says, eyes red from crying as I place my hand on his cheek, stroking away the tears. "To quote the best book in the world written by the best author in this world; 'You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices' " I say with a small smile as I stroke my tumb against his stubble, then lips and finally cheek. He grasps my unharmed hand in his two, prepping it with kisses before he closes his eyes placing my hand on top of his clothed chest, against his heart.

"I love you, so much. I really am so so sorry" Paul pleads as I put my arm around his shoulders pulling him to me for a side hug. When he hugs back I dig my face into his neck whilst holding him tight. "It's okey baby, I love you too. Just forget that it ever happened, it doesn't matter." I mumble into his hairline whilst caressing his hair. He thighteneds his grip on me a few seconds before we let go.

I press a short kiss to his lips, getting a kiss back the same second. "Okey?" I ask, unsure if my message got through. He nods. "Yes, thank you. I promise it will not happen again" He says with a determined but sweet voice. I smile.

"I know. Now please warm me up I'm freezing" I say, gesturing to the small blanket put on top of me whilst the sheets are placed behind my head and by my feet and hand for support. He smiles at me before doing as I propose, placing his arm around me letting me lean onto his shoulder. Paul gently kisses the side of my head and scalp making me close my eyes.

"On a other note. I actually wouldnt mind marrying you whilst pregnant. It would honestly be pretty sexy if you did." Paul whispers into my ear with a deep voice making me shiver in excitement. He notices my reaction, laughing as I with my unharmed hand i hit him in his rock hard chest, marking that that is not the way you speak to your future wife! This makes Paul laugh even more, making me roll my eyes at what a dork of a man I have. I sigh.

"You are an idiot you know that?" I tease back as he smiles one of his sexy, stomach fluttering smiles at me. He takes my hand stroking it easily with his thumb whilst answering.

"But I'm your idiot baby" He says as I sigh yet again but agreeing defeat to his words.

"And only mine"

"Only yours"

Thanks for reading!

#paul lahote x reader #paul lahote imagine #paul lahote #jared cameron #emily young #embry call #seth clearwater #sam uley #leah clearwater #love #quileute #wolves #wolfpack #twilight #jacob black #quil ateara

793 notes · View notes

mykniverse · 4 years

Text

TW// self harm, beatings, suicide, death

i remember storming home first, leaving family members behind. my thighs were pinched with thongs and i was dragged and locked out of the house in the cold. i was given a jug of water, some fruits and my schoolbag.

when sh did the same, he was lectured and was told not to do it again.

i remember accidentally lashing out and i was forced to eat cili padi at 10 pm.

when sh and iq did it, they were only shouted at.

i remember the day you found my goodbye card for my guy friend in primary school. i was scolded and shouted at and also beaten up.

when sh and iq exchanged love letters with girls, nothing was said or done.

i remember asking if i could go out with my friend at 9. i wasnt allowed to because i failed my exams.

sh and iq are able to go out even when their results are bad.

i remember wanting to go to a level camp so bad i wrote a note, begging to be allowed to go. but i got scolded for writing the note and i wasnt allowed to go. i wasnt allowed to go to camps till i was 13.

sh was able to go to camps between ages 11 and 12 with no problems.

i remember being told that if i failed PSLE i will be married off to a random guy. i was told to aim for 200. i scored 199. i didnt get to hear any “good job” or “you did well” as we had to rush to KL as someone passed on. in fact i didnt get to hear anything even after the trip.

i remember sunday practices. waking up to reciting the timetable at the door no matter who was passing by. no breakfast till youre satisfied. and on weekdays after school, i’d have to recite them on a stool in front of the window where the sun was merciless. i remember when i collapsed due to the heat. i was in pain when i regained consciousness. i was asked to eat but while i was getting food i was slapped. i was laughed at by sh and iq.

i joined netball at 8. i was forced to quit at 9 because i didnt do well for my exams. i wasnt in any ccas till i was 13. but i couldnt choose what i wanted. i was forced to join a uniformed group.

sh joined a dance cca and it was approved. iq joined badminton but quit. then he joined malay dance. both times it was approved. he was in the prefect team too. you kept giving him chances after chances even though he keeps failing. why couldnt i get the same amount of chances?

it was sh’s turn to take PSLE. when i texted about his results (i was out), you told me he did better than me. i was shocked as to how he could get 200 and above. he dropped out of the normal stream to foundation. he only scored 130. you were so proud of him. he went into a technical school and you supported him so much. i couldnt even choose which school i wanted to go to. “choose a school where you dont have to spend 5 years studying” but the first choice that you put would have led me to spend 5 years in secondary school. in the end i got the last choice that you put.

i remember you finding out that i was talking to a guy when i was 10. we were just talking. you found out and beat me up. i couldnt walk properly for the rest of the day.

sh and iq are saying upfront that they have girlfriends but nothing is happening to them.

i got my first tiny phone that barely works at 13. i got my first actual, second hand phone at 14. and an actual phone that wasnt passed down at 15

they got their first brand new phones at 8 and 12 respectively.

i remember entering a new school with an old bag that sags while they continued being in the same school with new bags.

i remember you asking me to choose a new bag and i asked about them. you said they wont be getting the same. i felt special. till you asked them to get new bags too.

you gave me an anello bag for school once. i felt special again because i was the only one who had it. but a week later they have it too.

i remember only going out with my friends at 15. but my curfew was before dusk.

iq went out at 9. sh went out at 13. you gave sh a curfew. he came home hours later and didnt even get scolded. i brought it up and you acknowledged it but nothing happened.

i remember going home late after school. im a teen am i not supposed to have fun with my friends? but you brought it up to one of the upper ups in school. i was put on probation for months. it was embarrassing. teachers thought that i committed a crime. an innocent me is getting probation? why? because i go home late. i cant say that i have things after school at the last minute because you say its ridiculous and bullshit.

sh goes home late. you caught him at the playground, mall, void decks. you scold him. and he does it again. but nothing major happens. iq calls or texts you that he is staying in school and you allow him to.

i remember self harming between ages 12 to 15. i was asked to go counselling. now i realised that the counselling was nothing. it didnt help at all. they put the blame on me. when you found out about this, i remember you scolding me. “what is there to be depressed about? youre only 14. all you have to do is study” i was scolded so much for being depressed and for self harming. you had to go for some parents counselling thingy too. i remember that one time i hit an all time low and self harmed again. sh snitched on me and told you about my scars. you got so mad when you saw the scars. i remember what you said to me. “why dont you do it deeper? end the burden once and for all. it’s so burdening and tiring to go to counselling after work?” i remember crying non stop. till we meet him. i was crying in the train. sh and iq was pointing at me and laughing. what you didnt know was that i was typing my suicide notes. i planned my suicide. when we met him, you told him and he glared at me so hard. i was given the silent treatment for so long. when you asked me why, i lied and say that im hated by people. how do i tell the cause of my depression that they are the cause of my depression?

i remember when i stopped self harming and counselling sessions are done. you got new piercings and i asked you if it hurts. you would always retaliate by saying that me self harming hurts more than getting pierced. you consistently did this while i was trying to heal. i remember when jonghyun passed on. i broke down a lot. i cried a lot. i revealed my vulnerable side. but i was mocked. “when a celebrity dies, she’s crying her eyes out. i wonder if she would even cry when her mom passes away.” i literally had to excuse myself so i dont break down in front of you.

i remember that you talked to me before i went on to pursue my tertiary education. you said you were disappointed in me. you said you didnt understand why i was content with my shitty results. i was content because the entire of 2018 was peak depression period. i could barely study because it was so overwhelming. the fact that i managed to even go somewhere was huge to me. i knew i disappointed you a lot because i was the only one who managed to maintain the standard and express stream. you didnt expect me to be where i am now. i put some money from my salary to pay my school fees and uniform for the first term. i already disappointed you so i didnt want to burden you. but you took it the wrong way. you thought i was trying to overthrow your responsibilities as a parent. you said that i was excited to grow up and get rid of you from my life. i remember being so shocked. yes i want to grow up so i leave this household but i have never once thought of getting rid of you.

i remember and i know that you are very against what im doing now and what i want to do in the future. but im 17 now. im turning 18 soon. how long more are you gonna make my decisions for me? why cant i choose what i want to be?

why do you assume that my depression is gone just because i dont have to go for counselling? why do you still joke about me self harming? why do you blame whatever sh and iq do on me? “monkey see, monkey do” what did i do? im still harming myself in a way. i picked up smoking at 13. and i started drinking recently. i have no idea where im gonna end up. a successful writer? at the void deck passed out? on the road surrounded by my own blood? i really dont know where i’ll end up. i dont know how long more i can take your hostile words. i hear that im useless every day. i hear that im hopeless every day. you always say that you dont understand us. why dont you try? why dont you try to put down your ego for a bit and try to understand us? try to understand me. try to talk to me. dont you notice that i never talk about how im doing? all i say is that im tired. and you scold me. “if youre tired then dont go to school” you dont even know when i get sick unless its the holidays. we stay under the same roof yet you dont know me at all. and you didnt raise me. for almost 10 years of my life, i was raised by my grandparents. please for once. stop talking and listen. understand. comfort instead of scolding. please. im losing my mind.

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pennylanefics · 5 years

Text

“Why do you hate me?” - Ben Hardy | part 17

a/n: one more part left!! feedback is appreciated ❤️

Today is the day.

You were standing in front of the full-length mirror in the hotel room, where you and your bridal party were getting ready in. You were just in your lingerie, your hair and makeup already complete. The pure white garter hugged your thigh perfectly, the sparkling tiara sat atop your styled hair. You looked like a princess. Well, a princess in her under garments. Your dress rested perfectly beside the mirror, waiting for you to step into it and start the best day of your life.

Your bridesmaids, which consisted of your sister, Leila, Katherine, Lucy, Priya, Jessica, and your best friend since you were little, were all frantic, running around the room and the hotel, trying to make sure everything was perfect and ready. You, however, continued to stare into the mirror, wondering why you got so lucky with such an amazing boyfriend, and a group of close friends you love dearly. Everything felt too perfect. The last time things felt this way, you and Ben almost broke up.

“(Y/N)?” You were broken out of your daze by Leila, wondering what the hell you were doing.

“Are you okay?” You sighed and shrugged.

“What if everything goes wrong? What if Ben gets scared, or worse, what happens if our marriage doesn’t last?” Your voice dropped to a whisper, too scared to speak it into existence.

“You have nothing to worry about. Ben loves you so much, and there’s no doubt he isn’t having second thoughts.”

“But what if he is?!” You yelled out. You didn’t mean to sound so rude, you were just stressing out. A lot.

“I’ll go and talk to Ben, okay?” You nodded and thanked her, reaching for your robe that Ben’s mom got you specially made. It said “Mrs. Jones” on the back. You sat on the bed and fiddled with your fingers. You stared up at your dress this time, smiling softly at the fact that in an hour, you were going to be walking down the aisle in it.

Your thoughts were yet again interrupted, this time by a knock on your door. You stood and quickly ran to answer it. You saw Gwilym standing there, in his tux, ready for the ceremony to start.

“Hey Gwil, what’s up?” Your heart started to race as you thought of the different scenarios he was coming to talk to you about. Did Ben want to call off the wedding? Is something wrong?

“I just came to see how you’re doing,” he said. You shut the door and shook your head.

“I’m kinda freaking out. I’m scared Ben is gonna back out, or something is going to happen, or in the future, our marriage won’t last. I don’t know why I feel this way. I love Ben so much,” you poured your heart out to him.

“I actually came here because of Ben. He’s the same way you are right now, freaking out over how you feel about this, wanting to talk to you and see if you’re still on the same page.” You immediately felt relief knowing that nothing serious was wrong.

“Does he still want to marry me?” You asked in a hushed voice.

“He does. I promise you. The minute he woke up, he hasn’t been able to stop mentioning that he’s marrying you today.” You giggled softly at his annoyance of his friend.

“I can’t wait to marry him. He makes me so happy.”

“You make him happy, too. I haven’t seen him this happy in a while. I can guarantee you he’ll be there at the end of the aisle. Actually, he might already be there now,” Gwil poked fun at Ben’s impatience. You laughed loudly and pulled Gwilym into a huge hug.

“Thank you. I wonder how Leila is, she went to see Ben for me.”

“Yeah, I saw her getting off the elevator. She told me you were a mess, I told her Ben was a mess. You two are literally made for each other,” he chuckled, rubbing your back softly.

“Just get past this last hour, okay? And I promise everything with be okay.” You nodded at his words as he left. You went back to staring at your dress, a wide smile gracing your lips as you were no longer scared, but now restless and impatient to walk down the aisle.

Leila returned a couple minutes after Gwilym left, and she pretty much told you everything he told you; Ben was so excited to marry you.

So, in the last hour you had as an engaged woman, you were surrounded by your friends and family, the photographer you hired for the entire wedding continued to snap pictures of you chatting, and eventually starting to get ready.

You finally slipped into your dress, with the help of the others of course. Once it was perfectly fit, tears sprung to your eyes. Even though it was a little simple, you still looked amazing. And who needed a huge dress when you’re getting married in a castle?

The dress consisted of a lace top and sleeves, and the skirt was a simple tulle skirt. You immediately fell in love with it the moment you laid eyes on it, you knew it was the one.

“(Y/N), you look absolutely gorgeous!” Your mom said, covering her mouth as she stepped into the room. You turned to her, tears still falling, and wrapped your arms around her.

“Your father and the rest of the groomsmen left for the venue. They should be there in about fifteen minutes. So we can leave then.” You nodded at her words and turned back to your bridal party. They all brought you in for a hug, quietly congratulating you and crying with you. This has been a long time coming, and you couldn’t wait until Ben was finally, and hopefully for forever, yours.

“Alright! Time to get married!” Leila yelled loudly as she raised your hand up, celebrating the end of those fifteen minutes. You laughed and slipped your shoes on, delicately picked up your veil, and headed out of the hotel.

The nerves finally set in, this was it. This last stretch of time, and you would finally be walking down the aisle. The entire car ride consisted of the girls trying to get your mind off of your anxious thoughts. So, the driver put on some Queen, the only thing that made sense to play as you two literally met while on set for the Queen biopic.

The limo pulled up in front of the huge, fairy tale-like castle, and you started to shake slightly. Taking a deep breath, Leila helped you step out of the car and helped insert your veil into your hair. Once it was set, you started the small trek to the entrance, where the groomsmen and your father were waiting.

You reached the group and grabbed for your father’s arm. He smiled happily at you, and you could see the tears in his eyes. He rubbed your hand with his as you stood farther away while the groomsmen and bridesmaids took their places. Your aunt opened the door to the entrance and waved for Gwilym and Leila, the best man and maid of honor, to start walking. One by one, each pair disappeared inside.

Your younger cousin, the flower girl, and Ben’s young cousin, the ring bearer, were finally next. She got her basket ready and entered the threshold.

Here goes nothing.

“You ready?” You heard your dad ask from beside you. You grinned widely and nodded as your aunt opened the door for you. She smiled at you and stood to the side. You looked up to see everyone standing, staring at you in complete awe. Your heart was racing as you searched for the one pair of eyes that only mattered to you.

And once you found them, your heart sped up even more. His green eyes were wide with love and shock, glossed over with tears as he held his hand over his mouth.

He couldn’t believe you were to be his.

Tears fell down his cheeks as you stepped closer and closer to the altar. You saw his knees buckle slightly, Gwilym managing to grab his arms to steady him. You let out a light laugh as you saw that moment play out.

Once you were right in front of him, you stopped. Your dad leaned in to press a kiss to your cheek, and handed your hand to Ben. He gladly took it, despite his insecurity of his hand being extremely warm and sweaty.

“Hi,” he whispered, tears still cascading down his cheeks. You reached up and gently wipe some away with your thumb. You felt your own tears pool in your eyes as you tried your best to conceal them. You turned towards the officiant and the ceremony started. You were too caught up in your thoughts about Ben, you could barely pay attention to the man.

“Now, it’s time for the vows the happy couple has prepared.” Ben nodded to you, signaling for you to go first. There was a microphone stand right in the middle of you two, so you didn’t have to worry about speaking loudly.

“Ben, from the day I met you, I knew there was something special about you. Sure, you may have not liked me the first two months of filming, but that didn’t stop me from trying to talk to you, be around you, and even try to get to know you. It took us three months to get past that hurdle, one of which was my fault. But nothing in the past matters because I’m standing here today, with you, getting ready to start another new chapter in our lives. Three years ago, I don’t think I saw myself ever getting married, let alone finding someone who means the world to me. I also didn’t expect you, my on-screen husband, who hated me because I got along with our co-star quickly, to be that guy. But, I wouldn’t trade anything, I wouldn’t want to be standing here with anyone else. Because I love you so much, Ben Hardy. And I’m so thankful that these past three years of extreme ups and downs in our relationship has finally come to a happy ending.” Your voice started to quiver as you finished your vows, tears cascading down your cheeks. You couldn’t conceal them anymore.

“Ben,” the officiant nodded his head towards your soon-to-be husband. Ben took a deep breath, lifting his hand to quickly wipe some tears away before he started.

“I’ve always believed in love at first sight. Although it may seem stupid and unreasonable, I really do believe that when you see someone, you can tell if you are going to love them or be with them in the future. (Y/N), I fell in love with you the second I saw you. Seeing you with Gwilym made me realize that I probably wouldn’t have a chance with you, no matter how much I wanted it, so I pushed you away. And still, to this day, I deeply regret my actions. I regret not talking to you for two months, instead opting out for rude and insensitive comments. I really don’t understand why you gave me a second chance, let alone a third one a little over a year ago. I’m not the best person, I make mistakes, a lot of them, but you still stayed with me. You still waited for me, you managed to forgive me every time I messed up, and I cannot thank you enough. You are the love of my life, and like you said, I really can’t see myself with anyone else. You are perfect for me. You complete me, and I love you so much, darling. I know the three years we’ve known each other haven’t exactly been ideal, so going forward with our lives, I promise to make you so happy to make up for all of the shit and heartbreak I put you through.” He finished and threw the paper behind his shoulder for Gwil to catch, and grabbed your hands, bringing you closer. The officiant smiled and began with the ‘I do’s.’

“I do,” you whispered, staring into Ben’s eyes with every syllable you repeated from the man.

“I do,” Ben repeats. His eyes bore into yours as well. You could see them glistening with tears as the ceremony was coming to a close.

“I now pronounce you, husband and wife. You may kiss your bride, Mr. Hardy.” With those words, the man stepped back a few inches and Ben stepped close to you, wrapping his arms around your waist. His lips were immediately pressed against yours, one hand coming up to cup your cheek and keep you close. You pulled back from the semi-heated kiss and smiled lightly.

“Now I can finally call you husband and it actually be true. I love you, Ben Jones.”

“My wife. I love you so much, (Y/N) Jones.”

“Why do you love me?” His smirk softened into a loving grin.

“So many reasons, and I can’t wait to show you tonight,” he whispered in your ear and winked after pulling away. A blush crept up your neck and to your cheeks as he chuckled and kissed your heated skin.

You turned towards all of yours and Ben’s friends and family, smiling widely as he held your embraced hands in the air. Everyone cheered and clapped louder, cries making their way through the crowd as you two walked down the aisle as a married couple.

“Ready for the reception?” Ben asked once you two were outside in the nice weather that London is currently having.

“Do you think we could skip it and go back to the hotel?” You asked suggestively and jokingly. Ben playfully rolled his eyes and pulled you into a hug. The photographer snapped picture after picture of the sweet moment.

“I don’t think our families would be too happy. Plus we have to have our first dance, have a lovely dinner and cake. I think you can wait to do it, love.”

“Don’t know if I’m gonna be able to keep my hands off you all night, though, Jonesy.”

“Well, I have no problem with that, Mrs. Jones.”

tags: @kazzys-queenblog

#ben hardy #ben hardy imagines #ben hardy imagine #ben hardy x reader #bohemian rhapsody #bohemian rhapsody imagines #borhap #gwilym lee #joe mazzello #rami malek #roger taylor #john deacon #freddie mercury #brian may #imagines #imagine #fanfiction #fanfic

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thelifeofhayleymarie · 5 years

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18/01/2019: Closing a chapter of my life

This is a post I’ve been dreading to write. Just a warning too, its going to be very, very long. This will also unfortunately be my last post on this account.

5 weeks and 1 day. That’s how long its been since everything changed, since L ended things with me, and I’ve been trying my hardest to make sense of it all. I’ve been trying my best to find the words to be able to write this post, but I’ve really struggled. All I’m going to start off with is that my heart is absolutely, completely and utterly broken.

This is not how I imagined things would be. This is not how I wanted to end the distance. I imagined us together in our own house, with a couple of dogs, happy and inlove... not like this. Never in a million years did I think we’d end up like this, not with how inlove I was with him. It still doesn’t feel real. When you give someone all of you, love them harder than anything else you’ve ever loved in your life, you never expect them to tell you that they don’t want it anymore. That it’s not enough for them. It’s so hard to accept; its just unfathomable really. I wanted to marry him. I was willing to move across the country for this boy. I was so ready, and so excited. It’s just disappointing. I feel like I sacrificed so much for him. Put his needs before my own. Accepted the heartbreaking challenge of doing long distance without getting a choice in the matter. Supported him in going out and achieving his dreams while I waited here for him. And for what? Him to turn around and say he’s changed his mind and that he doesn’t feel the same anymore? That he doesn’t have the passion for the relationship and that he loves me but he’s not inlove with me now? This whole thing has left me devastatingly broken. And it hurts, my god does it hurt...

It’s been extremely hard and confusing for me to understand too. December 8th he told me that I’m the love of his life and that he can’t wait to come home to me, then on December 13th, only 5 days later… he told me he couldn’t do this anymore. It was absolutely soul shattering to hear those words. Especially because we hadn’t been fighting or anything. I thought we had been perfectly fine, he made me believe that we were doing better. He even texted me that morning saying that he loves me. Then later that night he completely pulled the rug out from under me.

He messaged me that Thursday night saying he wasn’t doing very well mentally and that he needs to talk to me. Me being me I dropped everything and called him immediately, desperately wanting to help him and understand why he was feeling this way. He wouldn’t completely tell me the truth behind it until I kept asking questions. When I asked him if he could think of one thing that makes him happier than anything else in the world, and he answered saying he’s happiest when being on holiday at the lake… my stomach dropped and I immediately knew what was going on; because he didn’t say he was happiest when he was with me. This lead into me asking a whole bunch of other questions where I discovered that he had been apparently feeling miserable for months because he doesn’t think he wants to be with me anymore, because he feels like he’s changed, we’ve changed. This phone call was 3 hours long, yet I couldn’t grasp what was going on. I couldn’t believe it was actually happening. I was a mess after that phone call. I knew deep in my heart there was no coming back from that. I knew what he wanted, and it completely broke me. My best friend and my brother had to come and physically restrain me because of how inconsolable I was. I felt like my whole world was ending, especially because of how blindsided I felt. Eventually my mum had to literally medicate me to make me calm down. My heart couldn’t take it. I think I slept for 2 whole days after that.

Even though I knew it was over, a couple days later I had a very weak moment and called him and basically begged for him to just keep trying, at least until he comes home and we see each other (which was only a week away… I’d been looking forward to it for ages. I hadn’t seen him in 2 months... he was coming home for christmas on the 20th of december). But my god, it felt so degrading. No one should ever have to beg someone to not give up on them, or to try harder or love them back. I never wanted to stoop that low but I was in shock and I was desperate. And to my utter dismay- he said no. He didn’t want to try anymore. He said he’s been trying for months and it still just doesn’t feel right. This outraged me because 1, he hadn’t been completely honest and open with me about how he was feeling this way and 2, giving someone the bare minimum is NOT ‘trying’. He stopped meeting my needs a long time ago and I was too blinded by love to understand this. I deserved so much better than that. I deserve someone whose sure about me 100% of the time. I deserve someone whose consistent with their love and effort, which he very much lacked on and off throughout our whole relationship. His words rarely matched up to his actions. One day he’d say he loves me more than life itself and that he wants to marry me, the next he would hardly even speak to me. Complete head fuck right? But I stuck around because I loved him. Maybe that’s my own fault.

He was messaging me every day after that phone call- I don’t really know why, I think the guilt from hurting me was eating him up inside to be honest- but I just couldn’t reply to his messages. I needed space. I needed time to let it all sink in and to be able to reflect on it all. I eventually messaged him and asked him to give me the respect of ending things in person, where I can ask questions, get closure and say goodbye. He agreed and wanted that too. It’s so painful having to say goodbye to someone you wanted forever with. But I did it. I went over to his house a couple days after he arrived home and I got say my peace and get the closure I needed. And although I am hesitant to say, I also did end up seeing him a couple more times before he flew back home - alcohol and a broken heart dont mix well folks, trust me - but I surprisingly found that it didnt make things worse for me, because I had already accepted that this break up is probably for the best... dont get me wrong it was sad, and confusing but it was also nice to just be together, talk and take our time to say goodbye; our last goodbye, and the hardest one of all. It was especially hard seeing him cry along with me at the thought of it being the last time. But as I had time to reflect on it all leading up to seeing him each time, I came to the conclusion that this was for the best, and I told him that too. I knew I wasn’t being treated right, I knew I deserved better, I knew the distance had gotten to us too much, and I knew we both weren’t happy. But it was nice to end things on a good note and say goodbye in our own way.

During the past month I have rediscovered my worth and realized that I have so, so, SO much love to give, and if he doesn’t want it, then thats truely his loss. I put him on a pedestal for the longest time and forgot about myself through it all. I haven’t been fair to myself. So now, I think its time I put myself first- in every aspect of my life, not just through the break up. I’m going to try my best to leave all heartache in 2018, and begin to focus on my self worth, growth and all things positive in 2019.

As much as this hurts and as much as it killed me to do long distance this past year, I really have no regrets. I gave 110% of myself to this relationship and to L. I put my heart and soul on the line for someone I love and I think that’s something to be proud of- it’s actually admirable I think. Like a friend recently told me, I let someone know how it felt to be loved by me, and that’s beautiful. I love so damn hard too, and I deserve to get the same love back. Consistently. I also just want to make note that as much as this has hurt me, I don’t and will never wish ill upon him at all. I really just want him to be happy, and if that means not being with me anymore then so be it. I don’t think of him as a bad person- just someone whose young, and isn’t sure about what he wants. I’ve also realized that I can’t hate him for feeling a certain way. I don’t want to. That wouldn’t be fair. At the end of the day, as much as I tried to hold on, I think I always knew it wasn’t meant to be. There’s been too much hurt in the past, and the relationship was damaged from early on from certain things I think. The distance was also really, really difficult for both of us too; even though I felt like I could deal with it because I believed it would be worth it in the end, I guess he just couldn’t handle it, and that’s fair enough. Being away from the person you love constantly changes you. Its heart breaking. I’ll always love the person he is, and forever cherish every amazing memory we ever shared. Our love was epic. The past 2/3 years have been some of the happiest moments of my life- despite it being a rollercoaster at times. And I owe a lot to Luke and will always respect him. I just know now that maybe we’re not meant to be, and that’s ok. As hard as it is to accept that it’s over, and that i’ll never see him again (that part tears me up inside ugh), I’ll always remember him as my first love, and I’ll always appreciate the beautiful times we had together. I still love him, I think I always will, but I’m a big believer in everything happens for a reason, and I know I’ll be stronger from this.

I just want to also say a big thank you to everyone who has gone on this journey with me, for all the love and support and advice shared. It’s helped more than you know. I don’t think I would’ve made it this far without you guys. I’m going to miss being apart of this beautiful little community of long distance and military couples. Even though it didn’t work out for me, I still believe long distance can work and that those who are willing to make it work, no matter the struggles, are some of the strongest and most noblest people around. But just remember, if you’re giving more than you’re getting, if you’re beginning to question your worth, if you’re crying more than you are happy, if you’re the only one holding on and trying to make it work, then you need to be honest and fair to yourself and understand that you deserve so, so much better- and you will find that one day, I promise. A part of me wishes I had’ve realised sooner.

I’m closing a chapter of my life, only to begin a new one. I hope 2019 blesses all of you. Best of luck with everything, I really am rooting for you all!

(I’m also not going to delete this blog. It holds way too many incredible memories and posts of happier times that I would like to look back on in years to come. And although it makes me sad now, I just think its so special and it may also be able to help others to read. But, like I said earlier, this will unfortunately be my last post...

If you’d like to contact me in anyway from now on I will be using my main blog more regularly. You can find me at:

http://tr-anspar-ent.tumblr.com/)

Stay strong, keep fighting through the distance and for the ones you love. Always remember you’re not alone.

Love always,

Hayley x

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extraordinarilyunexceptional · 6 years

Text

ask and you shall receive :)

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

I’d like to believe that i have a good relationship with them but that gets rocky sometimes. I prefer not to talk about my parents on here for personal reasons.

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

I last said “i love you” to my best friend melanie because i love her so much and am so thankful to have her in my life.

03: Do you regret anything?

I regret not eating a big breakfast this morning LOL i dont necessarily believe in regrets because i think that everything happens for a reason and that if those things didnt happen to me i wouldnt be the person i am today.

04: Are you insecure?

Yes. i am insecure about my weight, my body, my appearance, everything.

05: What is your relationship status?

My relationship status is “in love with myself”. Yes indeed i am single. Dont message me for nudes (haha u know who u are) cuz i wont do it.

06: How do you want to die?

Not to be creepy but i actually thought about this and i want to like fall off a cliff as the sun sets and then combust like a star.

07: What did you last eat?

Im eating as i type this actually im eating some pretzels and a turkey sandwich YEET

08: Played any sports?

I used to play basketball but i sucked at it but i really want to play ultimate frisbee

09: Do you bite your nails?

Sometimes yes. Its weird and disgusting but it happens

10: When was your last physical fight?

I don’t fight people because im not a hater im a lover

11: Do you like someone?

Im not sure actually. Come back to me in like two weeks

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

Yes. dont do it unless you wanna die

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

No i dont hate people because im a lover not a hater

14: Do you miss someone?

Yes i do.

15: Have any pets?

No but i used to have 3 pets birds and my sister suffocated one with a vacuum hose

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

Hungry, stressed, but overall very content with life

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

No thats unsanitary unless its my bathroom then its okay

18: Are you scared of spiders?

I wouldnt say im scared but like as long as they dont try to mess with me im good ya know

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

No because i believe everything happens for a reason and also i wouldnt want to relive all my fuck up moments

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

Not gonna lie i had to look up what this word meant. The last time was at graduation which was on june 1st

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

I have work HAHA and i got lots of hw to do

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

Im not sure yet tbh. But if i do i would like to have as many as possible

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

Im basic i have the normal ear lobe piercings but i want a septum and stud and a helix piercing and bellybutton piercing MAYBE if i have like killer abs or something

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

My best subjects are math and science, particularly bio and chem

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

I miss lots of people

26: What are you craving right now?

Chocolate, wholesome affection, apple juice, swedish fish

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

Im not sure

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

Unfortunately yes

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

Yes and im not proud of this at all

30: What’s irritating you right now?

The fact that i have no time to eat in between class bruh a bitch gets hungryyyy

31: Does somebody love you?

Im sure someone does. But i know that i love me

32: What is your favourite color?

Purple, blue, and yellow

33: Do you have trust issues?

Unfortunately yes i do

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

My last dream consisted of me going on a date with a coworker and when i woke up i almost puked

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

My mom YEET

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

Yes bc i’d like to believe that everyone is good and worthy of proving themselves

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

Its easier to forgive. Forgetting doesnt solve anything and it doesnt clear ur conscious

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

It sure has been eventful

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

I was a sophomore in high school, 15 yrs old

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

No bc why

51: Favourite food?

potatoes

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

Hecky yeah boiiiiiii

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

I read Plato’s Euthyphro and was mind fucked and also was texting some friends

54: Is cheating ever okay?

Nope. never. What kind of question is this

55: Are you mean?

No im kind and honest theres a difference

56: How many people have you fist fought?

Zero omg

57: Do you believe in true love?

Yes i do

58: Favourite weather?

Fall weather

59: Do you like the snow?

yes!

60: Do you wanna get married?

Yes yes yes!

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

Yes my heart melts and i DIE

62: What makes you happy?

Love and sunshine and warm hugs and forehead kisses and rainy days and swedish fish and coffee and FOOOOD

63: Would you change your name?

NO my name is unique

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

Idk man. What kind of question is this LMAO

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Idk do i like them back? If i do i would slide in their dms if i dont i would let them know that i only see them as a friend

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

Yes and this is so important!!!

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

My friend zach

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Melanie my bff

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

Yes yes i do

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

Yes there is i would die for myself

(via demonofthelight)

#asks #ask me questions #ask me anything

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thesecretlifeoflee · 3 years

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i accidentally said something stupid. well actually, he said something stupid. he says im the one who likes to argue as if i start it. i told him that i was in a good mood from when i got home and when i got into his car, and further on after. he is the one who is projecting his anger from other situations onto me and our relationship or whatever it is. he asked me what i did since i got home and i said i was on my laptop. we have an inside joke about selling my panties to strange men online, he asked if i was doing that and i jokingly said yes. he thought i was serious so i went on to say that i was only joking and how i would do it but i is too much that comes along with it and i just dont want to, and for some reason that irritated him??? he got mad it seems like and kept lying if its going to make me money then im going to do it. went on to say, “ i feel like we had this conversation not too long ago about how you see something good and want to make it bad.” i was livid, i could feel my pulse rise and my neck get hot, i was fucking furious. this light conversation was turned into a fucking argument for no reason, it was literally only meant to be a joke. HE took it seriously and got angry with me for no fucking reason. i really believe it is because his wife and him are arguing or aren’t in an amazing place so he projected that anger and frustration into our situation. the irony in him saying i self sabotage when he literally does that. i want to hurt him just thinking about it. the night went on to be an okay night, aside form that little ‘spat’ as he called it. he literally argues with himself sometimes, i literally dont care enough to argue with him. “i really miss your kiss right now.” is what he said. i never know wha the proper response or action to do is when he says shit like that. he knows that, yet, he doesn’t believe me when i said I’ve only been with two other men before him. or how he thinks i talk to other men when im not with him. i literally dont care enough about men or sex o be doing all of that. tony is emotionally too much by himself, and getting myself involved with another man and have to keep up with their emotions too or the fact i have to deal with them in general. i can’t even keep up with him by himself. he’s crazy. he said i was the second person he’s cheated on his wife with, especially consistent as its been. i literally saw him three times in this passing week. i hope i can see him on my birthday, i want to cum. that’d be the first birthday i would have been with a man. he called my friend from work and told her i was with him. he’s never made someone else aware of the situation. i dont know what’s wrong with him or why he did that and she was worried for me. i told her how he basically said this situation is different now since there is feelings involved, or at least that’s how i took it. she said i better be careful with what i do or say. i think she was right when she said we need to talk about boundaries and what lines we can’t or an cross. i understand im the first mistress, from what he said, but there still needs to be a conversation of some sort. he makes me feel so fucking angry. i can’t help refute that i will not never cum so hard with him. with his words of affirmations, he coaxes me and praises me for cuming. it lasts longer and its so much more intense. were toxic together, i can tell. it feels really good, even if i was taking my zoloft or my lamictal, i will still want to see him and still want to fuck him anytime. im not sure if its the fact he has money or if he’s funny, or perhaps its because he’s married. internally, i can’t pinpoint the origin or attraction, and everytimehe asks me, i dont know what to say ‘cause i dont know myself. i think its a mixture of all things. he’s not an ugly man either, he has the best nose and pretty teeth, im a sucker for nice, straight teeth. he’s funny and i believe at times our humor matches very well, which adds to us getting along well together. he asks me is sex is the only thing we have in common, i know we have more, i just never sat there and thought about it. to over-analyze us and this odd relationship we have with each other. he called me this morning to talk to me, to pass time, even so, he calls me to talk. regardless of what the reason is, its multiple times a day, almost every day in the week. he says he wants to just go up to me at work and just kiss me in front of everyone, every man. im sure he knows he has me, in anyway. i haven’t wanted to that to myself but its true, im hooked. he eats my pussy like he’s starving and fucks me like it’ll be his last, i dont want this to end yet. he needs to be more careful, his wife cat find out yet. my mom told me she had a dream that his wife had found out and i was there consoling her. it was a strange dream. a strange random dream. she argues with me almost everyday about him. she thinks im being stupid and careless, that ill end up dead and my location being tracked by my friends and sister isn’t going to be enough when im dead or missing. i tell her i made an ‘if-i-go-missing-check-here’ folder on my laptop with names and dates and details of people, places and things. i tell my friends details, really specific details and they know his name, his wife’s name. I’ve told this all of the people he’s associated with. they know almost everything, im sure I’ve forgotten to tell them something. if i go missing, which i know i won’t, he would have had something to do with it. i know i won’t though, he cares about me…he LIKES me. he wouldn’t hurt me, he makes sure im safe, he even told me where his gun was last night in his car we weren’t in a bad neighborhood by any means, i believe he said that for my comfort? im not quite sure. i think he had cocaine in the car with us last night, it was drugs of some sort. that doesn’t bother me in particular, just lack of giving me aheads up, does. i supposed i did know, i did hear his conversation with his guy. i know what the code words mean to some extent, so when he asked his guy for two of something and he puts them in the car to go drop them of at someone else’s house.

things are different, you know? it feels so much better and when i looked at him earlier tonight, his hair was pushed slightly to the side, i thought he looked cute. he looked so good in that moment. i was attractive to him and not something he has. he called me baby. given it was during sex, he has never done it before. he said he missed me too. can’t quiet figure out what is going on between us anymore. last night felt different. i caught feelings for him thats for damn sure. i can feel it, i feel him differently. it felt like we weren’t fucking to cum, we were fucking just to feel each other, for me at least. he feels so good every time, every way, no matter what. he knows how to touch me just right.

he sent me four hundred dollars for my birthday. four hundred fucking dollars. he said for my birthday and because he appreciates me. i followed up by saying i appreciated him too. almost immediately after i woke up i was thinking about him. he’s infested my brain and has took over all of my thoughts. i wish i could’ve seen him last night, i want him so bad. its only been a few days and i already kind of miss him. hell be gone all weekend so i won’t see him until like monday. why is it that i miss him? these rhetoric questions still hold a lot of weight. questions i dont want answered just yet. i can’t deal with the weight behind the truth to them. i miss him. let me let it be just that.

he said he missed me back today, unprovoked, he said he was thinking of me. i can’t stop thinking about him, its sickening. he seriously debated over offering me a job working for him. i said to him that there would need to be some deep lines in the sand if so. he told me about the woman he first cheated on his wife with, it was her best fucking friend, i told him how shitty that was. thats someone she trusted, now if she found out about me, sure shed be livid, and more hurt about her husband doing such a thing. but her best fucking friend? two of the most trusted people to her, had has sex behind her back, even while she was just upstairs showering. that’s low, and coming from me that should mean something.

i think about him even when we aren’t speaking. he’s in my head all the time. he’s infected my brain.

his wife wants to get pregnant again. i dont know why he told me, but it made my skin flush. i felt the cold chilll goo down my spine and my face flush. mom not sure why but i feel sick. he wasnt saying he was opposed to it either. he was talking about it and the process of it, as if it is going to happen. fuck, i dont know why but i can’t be around for this. i can’t put myself through this. i dont know why but i feel like it would kill me. i know i have no claim over him or any ties like she does, but i am jealous. i can’t do this. im sick to my stomach. there’s a lump forming in my throat, and im sure he could feel the tension after he said it, i got quiet. the vibe was killed.

he spent the night with me, he came back to the hotel where i was at. i was only there still because i didn’t have money to get home yet. the sex was and will always be amazing with him. he told me he caught feelings for me. i knew he did, he makes it obvious. he asked me if it was a bad thing that we feel the way we do. i was honest when i told him at times it is. it gives me anxiety when i sit down and think about it, it gives me anxiety, my stomach turns and my breathing quickens. i like him, i really do. he’s a very likable person, he makes it so easy. he left me and then called me and asked if i was still at the hotel, he said to stay there he’s coming back. and he did. he came back and laid down with me, we slept together. i remember i was turning away from him in my sleep and i felt him grab onto me and hold me close to him so i couldn’t move that far away. he told me his friends said it was a bad idea for him to come back to me, he had told me they said there was no reason to come back to me, he already got what he wanted/needed. he came back to me anyways. he said that we were going to take a three week break and then come back to see how we feel after. i remember how it made me mad he said that. i thought to myself how stupid that idea was. he could tell it made me upset and asked me about it. i said that idea is dumb, its going to be awkward when we come back together. something was said about pulling back and i said okay, then ill pull back, and i pulled away from him and started to get up to leave. he pulled me back and said he didn’t mean it like that. he just wasnt sure what to do with these feelings, i concurred with that. im not sure, i wasnt given a playbook or a set of rules. he said there was unspoken was, i didn’t get the memo. I’ve never been in a. situation like this before. how was i supposed to stop the oncoming feelings for him when we speak everyday practically, we see each other a few times in a week. its so hard to not miss him when you’ve become accustomed to a certain level of communication.

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editorialsonlife · 6 years

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Big brain dump

Scroll past coz this isn’t going to be fun. I have literally set the mood for this. Emo music is on. Curtains are shut. Candles are going. Word vomit commence. Yeah, I’m feeling a little dramatic at the moment. SO BE IT.

ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE STRESSING ME THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOW

I am tired. I’ve had a low grade headache for weeks now. I need a massage but can’t afford one.

Finances.

Immediate. I’m in debt again. My credit card is sitting at about $700. I owe Dave 3000. I don’t have enough to buy new make up or get my hair done so those will be going on the credit card as well to be paid off later on. I never feel like I have enough money for everything I need to pay for. All our insurance premiums are due again and I don’t think we’ve got enough money to cover them all which is shit and the flat account has kind of been tapped out and although we’ve got the $20k revolving credit I don’t wanna tap into that.

I’m meant to be going to fieldays which will be fun but again, $0 budgeted for that so that’s going on the credit card and being on the float just sucks.At least we’re not paying for accommodation (thank u friends) but food and petrol etc still need to be paid for. I need some winter clothes as well coz I’m too fat for my old ones. I’m terrified I’m going to need a full medical again because it’s only going to make our insurance premiums higher again uuuggggggh. money.

Longer term, I don’t know how the F we’re going to afford a wedding in 2 years and kids in 5. Like, I actually just don’t know how to do it and like rationally I know what I need to change because it’s not like we’re destitute but also spending money is probably the only coping mechanism keeping me together right now and thats a bitch so I don’t know how that’s going to change.

Weight.

Fuck I’m fat at the moment. I’m still 100kgs despite working out consistently for the last few months so that’s really shit and Dave’s all I’VE LOST 7KGS and like, congrats bro but that’s unhelpful here. and I’m 100% sure that this lack of weight loss is down to stress and hormones and shit things that like, having your life under control will resolve but that’s clearly not fucking happening right now and I don’t know how to switch out of it and get my brain back to normal. How the fuck I managed to live like this for 2 years in a row is beyond me. I don’t want to get married being all fat and flabby and gross because I just feel uuughgggghhh and it’s unpleasant.

Health.

Not unrelated to weight but bigger picture. I’m over having sore feet and a tight chest because sleeping on my side is clearly bad for my posture and my neck and shoulders are so tight because I’m so wound up all the time. Unhealthy. Need to go and see a naturopath to get some additional support but can I afford that? no. need to go and see someone to talk to about all of this and can’t afford that either so that’s really unhelpful. I’ve been having random chest pains which I’m90% sure is related to the whole side sleeping/very tight shoulders scenario so I hope that’s all it is. at least when I got all my tests done back in feb? march? they were all clear and happy so there shouldn’t be anything major going on which is a relief.

Also have yet to get my flu jab so that’s a bit of a fail.

Let’s all have a moment in the middle of this to appreciate bon iver because FAB MUSIC

Weddings/marriage/relationships/wedding planning

wow. there’s a lot tied up under this heading. See also health/weight/finances in terms of affording it. but like, in a wider sense, at least I’ve figured out that I want an overseas wedding because then I’ll be on holiday and relaxed and feeling like my best self when it happens. I’m so over Dave’s parents telling us we can’t go overseas because it’s unfair on people and we shouldn’t impose on them like that and like, for sure, fine, but also it’s the only way we’re going to cull the guest list and also ITS OUR FUCKING WEDDING. This is why I’m not taking any money from them for it because it’s just ridiculous and I am not giving them the slightest bit of control over it at all. so there’s that side of it.

Money wise, I don’t know how to pay for it. We want to extend the house and redo the kitchen and bathroom etc, and that’s basically the cost of the wedding. and I know it doesn’t need to be a big one and we don’t need to spend a bunch of money on it but ya know what? I love my friends and I want to have a fab day and I want it to be special and funnily enough that costs money. So be it.

in terms of marriage overall, turns out I may have some left over feelings from the parents splitting up. and what it actually means to be married. and do I even want to be married and is this even the right thing for me? I’m so over being told that Dave and I are the perfect couple and just being under so much pressure from everyone. Like, what if it doesn’t work out? what then? stop telling us we’ll never be happy unless we’re together thats such a load of shit.

Does it fundamentally change anything? probably not. it’s just another piece of paper. but we’ve always planned this relationship so it would be easy to walk away and now all of a sudden that’s changing. and I dont want to ever be a couple that stays together because of a piece of paper, I want to be a couple that chooses to stay together because we love each other and we want to. not because we’re obligated to. And much and all as our parents are great, they’re not exactly role models of ongoing loving relationships and I don’t want to end up there and I just don’t know what to do about it or how to change it. and I’m so frustrated with myself coz everyone’s like THIS IS AMAZING and it is and I love him and I should be excited as well and I’m just like, everyone fuck off already because I’m done with listening to all your shit and I can’t even sort myself out.

work

oooooooh work. Careers. purpose. enjoyment. Who the fuck would know how to create one of them. I’m so annoyed I didn’t just go into accountancy or law with a direct and linear career path and I don’t know how to market my skills properly and I’m so sick of works bullshit. I was in Koru last night with Rhys and Murray and they’re just so full of bullshit. like, I get that you’ve got to sell stuff to staff, but don’t sit there and pretend that they don’t know they’re being sold to. because they do, and there’s actually going to be a revolt on your hands in about 4 months time when the shit song you’ve been singing comes back around to bite you in the ass. Your staff aren’t stupid and yet you’re treating them like they are and that’s a problem. a big one.

job hunting

Let’s not even talk about this one because it’s just sucky and shitty and I don’t know how to network and I don’t know how to explain my skills to future employers so that they’re marketable and I fit their stupid boxes and I hate references and I just. hate. the process overall. it’s just horrible.

Especially given how much of my self worth is tied up in my employment it appears. Which is another thing I need to work on.

adult life

Owning a house just comes with a never ending to do list, honestly. I think I’ll try and paint the bedroom wall this weekend for some fun. I also need to apply for a bunch of jobs at some stage, and follow up with a lady about mentoring. Should really go back and see Anne again but $$$$$. fun times. finding time to balance everything is really hard work.

WELL. This has been a post. it’s kind of nice to get it all out of my head and onto a screen? Props to anyone who managed to make it through this word vomit. you’ve done well.

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