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themoonandotherslikeit · 4 years

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What the Rain Can’t Wash Away - Epilogue

*FINAL PART TO THE LOOK IN HER EYES SERIES*

Sixteen years after Lucifer rose, and Dean lost his wife he finds himself with a teenager, a Nephilim, an angel, and his brother living out a Full House rerun with some seriously dark undertones. How will he be able to raise his daughter, fight monsters, and deal with the loss of the love of his life? Sometimes moving on is the hardest part, but with the Winchester’s there’s always something harder around the corner. Isn’t there?

"No doubt.. Endings are hard, but then again.. nothing ever really ends, does it??"

Seven Months Later

Dean

The bar was busy, bustling. Sometimes it was hard to keep track of everything, but I was starting to get the hang of it. Deep breaths, focus on a specific sound, and block out the rest. It wasn’t always easy, but it was damn effective.

Things were calm, for once in my life. It still felt wrong, like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop-- jokes on me, though, because it already did. Sometimes there just isn’t another shoe. Most people have only two feet, and I’ve had about a million fall on my head throughout the years. Maybe it is really over, at least that’s what Ave keeps saying.

“Dean.”

I’d recognize the voice anywhere, and at the sound of it I reached under the bar for the beer I’d been saving, and I tossed it to him. There wasn’t a crash so I had to assume that Sam still had good hand-eye coordination. Well, better than mine at least. “Sammy. Back from the hunt already?”

“It was a milk run.” I could hear the grin in his voice. He was a proud fucker. He loved the hunt, and I couldn’t fault him for that. Sometimes I missed it, but mostly I didn’t. The squeak of his favorite bar stool told me he sat down. Guess he was planning on staying awhile.

“Cas with you?’

“He went back to the bunker to check on the kids.”

“They probably aren’t there. It’s summer. Can’t hardly keep tabs on them anymore.”

“Who does that sound like?”

I laughed and shook my head, leaning on the bar. “Shut up, Sammy. Guess this is what I deserve, huh? After all I put Dad through.”

“Yeah, man,” Sam said softly, reaching out and touching my arm. “It is. You seem good.”

Sometimes I tried to remember what Sam looked like. Every day was harder. It all seemed so fuzzy, and I wasn’t sure what I was making up or what was true.

“I am good,” I said, and it wasn’t even a lie. “Bar is doing great.”

“I can tell! You’ve got a lot of business.”

“We’re holding our own.”

Sam was still in the life, and he came and went a lot, but he always ended up back home. That was all that mattered.

“Where’s Ave?”

“She ran to get limes. We were out.”

“So she’s not sick of you yet?”

“Quit grinning, Sammy,” I said with a laugh. A familiar warmth grew in my gut as Ava’s face popped into my head-- well what I could remember of it. “Nah, she’s not tired of me yet.”

“You made it, man.”

“Yeah, I did.”

“Excuse me? Can I get some service down here?” A voice called from the end of the bar.

“Be right back,” I said to my brother, shaking my head. “Duty calls.”

I slid down to the end of the bar in front of the girl calling for me. I leaned in toward her. “How can I help you?”

“How about a glass of red.”

“How about a soda,” I retorted with a smile. “Just because I can’t see doesn’t mean I’m blind.

She reached forward and grabbed my head, illuminating my vision. Eleanor sat in front of me, my own patented grin painted on her lips. “Hey, Dad.”

“Hey kiddo. What brings you around?”

“Going to take Claire on a date,” she said, blushing a bit. “And I missed you. Where’s Mom?”

“Getting limes.”

Seeing her never got old. When she touched my hand it was like she turned the light on. She was happy, glowing, literally. I was proud of her.

“Ah, maybe I’ll catch her before the movie.”

I couldn’t stop staring at her. There weren't many things in the world that I loved more than looking at her.

“Dean, I’m back.”

I sat up straighter, turning toward the door. “El, can I--”

It was like she clicked on global vision, and I was seeing the whole bar through her eyes. The door opening, and in the midst of the afternoon crowd my beautiful wife came in, arms full of a bag of bright green limes, bouncing against her large pregnant belly.

“Nel, you’re here,” Ave said, dropping the limes on the counter before wrapping our daughter into a hug. Ella let go of my hand to hug her mom back, clicking the lights back off for me, but the sight of Ava’s round belly was still burned into my vision like I’d stared too long at the sun.

She was almost ready to burst at any time. We had the nursery completed upstairs, but we’d been dragging our feet moving out of the bunker. It still felt weird that Eleanor didn’t live with us. I think we felt like if we left that we would be moving on without her. We didn’t know what we were having, Ave wanted it to be a surprise, and I wanted whatever she wanted. She deserved to be happy and stress free. My job was to be the best husband possible. No Hell Hounds, no hunts, no money problems. The goal was to be happy. That was it.

She wanted to be a stay at home mom with this one. She didn’t want to miss anything else, and that was fine with me. I wouldn’t blame her if she wanted to go back to the force, but the itch is a lot easier to ignore when you aren’t faced with it everyday, at least that’s what I told myself.

We were going away after we closed up tonight. They called it a ‘baby moon’ the last weekend away before the baby comes. I told her that we should go back to the beach, where we first started to fall in love with each other. I wouldn’t be against the sand in my toes, a classic shitty motel, the smell of the sea…

I could remember her running out to the beach, her arms in the air, Sam and I following after her like the lovesick puppies we were. It felt like a different lifetime. I guess it kind of was.

“Mom are you okay?”

“What’s going on?” I asked, snapping out of my own personal day dream.

Ave sucked in her breath, and I made my way around the bar, keeping my hand on the edge until I made it around to her.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she huffed.

“You don’t look fine,” Ella said, suspiciously.

“Ava, what’s happening?” I asked, touching her arm. She leaned into me immediately, and I reached down to touch her stomach. It was tight, and my eyebrows came together. “Are you having a contraction?”

After a moment of gasping and gripping my shoulder with her hand she whispered, “Fine, yes,” breathlessly.

“How long?”

“All morning,” she said sheepishly, letting out a pained laugh.

“Damnit, Ave.”

“Don’t do that,” she said dismissively.

“Hey Sam, go get the car.” I dug my phone out of my pocket and handed it to El. “Can you get Claire to come close up shop? We’re having a baby.”

My heart was racing. I couldn’t hide that I was excited, and fucking terrified. We didn’t have a great track record and even though this pregnancy has seemed pretty seamless, there was still a lot of risk. “Are you good, sweetheart?” I asked Ava, wrapping my arm around her.

“Still hate that,” she gasped, another contraction racking her body. “But yeah, I’m good.”

A honk came from out front and I put my arm under hers. “Ready?”

“It’s probably nothing, Dean… My water hasn’t even broken.”

“Ava Winchester, just because I can’t see you doesn’t mean I don’t know you’re in pain. Let’s go get you checked out. If anything, we will just come home and watch a movie. Okay?”

“Fine,” she huffed. Stubborn woman.

We got in the car, Sammy was driving and Ave, and I were in the backseat. I let her lay down, and I held onto her. “I’ve got you, Ave.”

I tried not to think much about the day that Eleanor was born. The day I missed, but as Ava writhed in pain in my lap I couldn’t help but wonder if Sam was holding her like this. I couldn’t help but wonder if she was afraid.

She squeezed my hand tightly, pulling my arm around her. I could feel her tears on my forearm. I’d have given anything to take her pain away. “Wish I could switch places with you,” I whispered into her hair.

“You couldn’t handle it,” she gasped out.

She was probably right.

We rolled up to the hospital, and they wheeled her to her room while Sam and I took care of all of the paperwork. Now that I was an official business owner, we had legitimate insurance. It was kind of weird putting our real names on the forms.

“Is this what it was like the first time?” I asked.

“Huh?” I could hear his pencil scribbling on the forms.

“When Ella was born? Was this what it was like?”

“No,” Sam said softly, his pencil stopping. “She didn’t go into labor then. She had to be induced. It was pretty scary, actually, but she did great.”

“I’m scared,” I admitted.

“You’d be crazy not to be,” Sam said, squeezing my shoulder.

“Thanks for being there for her the first time.”

“You’ll do it this time. It’s pretty incredible, honestly.”

“You think you and Eileen will ever?”

Sam exhaled and was quiet for a moment. I could hear his pencil tapping. “Doubt it. I already have two kids, basically three with Claire. Plus, I like the hunt too much. So does she.”

I smiled a bit to myself. I used to feel that way. Incredible how your perspective can change. Guess I had to lose my sight in order to truly see.

Ava

I wasn’t ready. I hadn’t done the baby’s laundry. We hadn’t even fully moved into the apartment. I think I kept expecting the other shoe to drop, something to change, to fall apart. I didn’t expect this.

I was laying in a hospital bed, with my feet in the air and some nurse had her fingers probing for my cervix. I thought I was going to throw up, and all I could think about was Dean. Part of me wondered if he ran, even though he wouldn’t have to see anything traumatic. I couldn’t stop thinking about how last time I did this I was all alone.

Except for Sam.

Sam really was the only constant for Dean and I. We should buy him a fruit basket or cigars or name this kid after him, or something.

The door opened, exposing Sam and Dean. If I didn’t know any better I’d think Dean was about to throw up, and Sam didn’t look much better, if I was being honest. I instinctively reached out for Dean, forgetting for a second that he couldn’t see me. It was still hard sometimes. Sam nudged him in my direction, and he found my hand easily. “Are you okay?” He asked softly, gripping me tightly.

I looked to the nurse who smiled tentatively, removing her hand and discarding her glove. “Ava you’re about eight inches dilated. I’m going to have the OB come in and check you out, okay?”

“Sure,” I said with a hopeful smile before turning to Dean.

Sam had slipped out with the nurse, leaving Dean and I alone. I was appreciative of that. I moved my feet from the stirrups, because who knew how long the doctor would take, and I scooted over. “Sit,” I demanded quietly.

He placed his hand down on the bed and felt around until he was able to sit next to me, feeling him next to me immediately relaxed me a bit. “Sammy?” He called out.

“He ditched out. My legs being up in the air probably scared him away.”

“Good,” Dean said with an ornery smile. He leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to my lips. “He should be scared.”

I laughed lightly and kissed him before wincing from another contraction. He held me against him, his face curling down into concern. Ever since his eyesight left him, Dean was even more easily readable than before. Since he couldn’t see people’s faces, it’s like he forgot that we could still see his expressions. “What?” I gasped out a bit.

“Huh?”

“You seem… concerned.”

“I am concerned,” he admitted, his forehead wrinkling as his eyebrows came together. “The nurse she sounded… worried, I guess. Shit, I don’t know. Maybe I’m just freaking out.”

I smiled at him warmly and touched his cheek. He was so fucking cute. The big bad Dean Winchester, single father for sixteen years, and so damn afraid. I loved him so much for it. “No freaking out allowed. I’m about to push a living being out of my vagina. You aren’t allowed to freak out.”

“Right,” he said, his face getting serious. “Sorry, I shouldn’t do that. You need me to be strong. I should be your support here, not cause more issues.”

“You’re okay, Dean. I’m just giving you crap.” I pulled his face to me, and I kissed him desperately. “It’s your first time.”

“I hate that I missed Ella’s birth. I think about it a lot.”

“I wish you were there, too.”

A knock came to the door, and I looked toward the door. “Mrs. Winchester?”

“That’s me.”

“I’m going to just check you out,” Dr. Laucklan said with a warm smile.

I frowned a bit. “Why? The nurse just did.”

“I just want to double check. I don’t want you to be concerned.”

Concerned. Well I was. How could I not be after she said that? Dean stood up and held my hand tightly.

“It’s good to see you again, Dean.”

“Good to hear ya Doc,” Dean said, beaming.

I adjusted my legs back into the stirrups and scooted to the end of the table.

They never really tell you how much it sucks getting your cervix messed with. It hurts in a way that is unnatural, it’s mean, and Dean has learned, and is already squeezing my hand in preparation. It was almost eighteen years ago that I was here with Ella, Sam snuggled behind me, but it didn’t feel like that long. My body remembered this feeling like I just went through it. I barely felt healed from the first time, but dying does weird things to you. Nothing is ever really normal after that. Not that my life with the Winchester’s had ever been normal.

My OB was making sounds in reaction to whatever she was doing between my legs. It was a humming, a sort of judgmental noise that left me unsettled.

Something was wrong.

She pulled her hand away and discarded her glove. “Ava, Dean,” she began, and my stomach dropped.

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t want you to be worried, but there may be a change in plans,” she explained. “Your baby has flipped since your last appointment, he or she is now in a breech position.”

“What?” I asked, my heartbeat pounding so angrily in my ears that the sound was virtually impossible to override.

“Can we do anything about that? Turn them around? I think I heard of that…” Dean’s voice was far away. He couldn't see my face, and it was probably for the best, because I had to look absolutely terrified.

I ran my hands over my swollen stomach. This was the last place that my little one would be safe. Inside of me, they’re safe, but now… what I was hearing from my doctor told me that I couldn’t even protect them. “What do we do?” I asked, the sound of my own voice snapping me out of that feeling that I was underwater.

“I want to suggest a Cesarean.”

“A C-section,” I said, dumbfounded.

“What?” Dean’s voice was rising, and I couldn't even look at him. I couldn't process my emotions and his. It was all too much. “That isn’t a part of our birth plan.”

In any other circumstance, hearing Dean Winchester use the phrase birth plan would be insanely entertaining to me. “Dean,” I whispered, reaching for his hand again. I finally turned to see his face, it was twisted, his cheeks wet from tears. I had to remind myself that this was his first time. Last time didn’t exactly go as planned. “It’s okay.”

“No, Ave… it’s…”

“Hey,” I said, tugging him to me. I brushed my nose against his. “I love you. Everything will be okay. We want to do what's safest for our little pumpkin.”

He pressed his forehead to mine in a way that was so gentle that it made my heart hurt. “I just want you both to be okay.”

“We will be. You’ll be right there the whole time.”

“But I can’t see,” Dean said, his voice breaking into a soft, strained sob.

I touched his cheek, holding his face, and I closed my own eyes so we would be on equal terms. “You don’t have to be able to see to be there. You aren’t defined by that, Dean. Not to me.”

“Okay,” he whispered with a nod. “Okay.”

Ella

I’ve learned a lot of tricks in the last few months. Some Cas taught me, some Billie, and some I just learned myself. One of the best, though, is the most simple. I like to be invisible. Sometimes I just watched them, my parents. I watch them be together, be in love. Sometimes I’ll just rest my hand on Dad’s shoulder so he can see Mom. The look on his face when he does is always one of complete adoration. It’s kind of like how Claire looks at me.

I wouldn’t ever admit it to them, but I spent a lot of time back in that bar, the one where they met. I even went back in time once, just to watch them meet. It may not have been obvious to them, but I could tell that they were already spent on each other. Especially Dad.

I heard their prayers from the hospital like they were right next to me, pressed against my ear. With all of the power in the world I still didn’t know how to fix this.

I popped into the operating room, everything was sterile, blue. The air was cold and Mom was shivering. Her arms were spread out and strapped down. She sort of looked like Jesus on the cross, and the sight left me sick to my stomach.

Dad’s hands were shaking as he held her hand. He wore blue gowns, something over his hair, and a mask. He looked alien. I wished someone had taken a photograph.

They were both behind a curtain that separated Mom’s stomach from the rest of her body. The doctor cut into her, pulled her organs out to expose her uterus, and I felt awful for ever being born. The human body was incredible.

Mom was crying. I could feel the fear pulsing off of her in a way that was almost palpable, so I broke my own rule and I pressed my hand into hers. Her fingers curled in immediately and her head turned to me. Thank you, she prayed, and I squeezed her hand in response.

I spent my entire life wanting a relationship with her, and the moment she got back I had to go and die. We were cursed. People always said that, other hunters, angels, demons. You Winchester’s are cursed. I never believed it, but I had started to. We were supposed to be Chuck’s favorites, but maybe there’s something not so good about being God’s favorite after all.

I just hoped this baby didn’t get the curse.

“Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Winchester,” the doctor said as she lifted a wailing baby out of my mother. “You have a son.”

Dean

I have a son.

I couldn’t begin to explain the feeling that washed over me when the words came out of the doctor. Son. I had one already, of course. But things with Jack were always a little complicated. I love him like he’s my own. Something felt different, though. With this baby I felt like I had a fresh start. He didn’t know anything I’ve done. To him I am just his father. I’m not the righteous man. I’m not a dark shadow, murderer, knight of hell, monster.

I am just me.

The nurse placed my son in my arms, and I felt how small he was. He was tiny and squirming, and I felt myself cry. I hadn’t loved anything this much since the first time I held Ella. There was nothing like it.

And in a blink the lights were on. The darkness dissipated, and I knew she was with me. She was giving me a chance to see my son.

I couldn’t look away from him. He looked at me with hazy eyes, his face pink and swollen. His head was perfectly round, like an orange. His tiny fingers flexed for me, pin pricked with dimples. He looked a little like Sam when he was a baby, and I touched his tiny chin. It was the size of my thumb and the sight of it made my heart squeeze. “Ave he’s gorgeous.” I turned so she could see him, and she was crying. She was beautiful, even pale and her hair tucked away inside of a cap. “You’re beautiful,” I whispered quietly to her.

Her face flashed in recognition. “You can see me.”

“I’ve always been able to see you.”

I held our son against my chest, with my daughters hand pressed to my shoulder, and for the first time in my life, we were all together. Everything was perfect. “I don’t need eyes to see you Ava Winchester.”

She smiled as I laid our son on her chest, near her face. As I leaned down to her and pressed my lips to her forehead everything went dark again, but this time it didn’t scare me. This time I didn’t feel empty, and I was sure that I would never feel empty and afraid again.

------

A/N:

I can't believe this day is finally here. I've been dragging my feet really badly, because this series is what made me want to write again. This show has pulled me out of my absolute darkest places, given me a beautiful new group of friends, and a purpose. I think I associated my joys with the show and my feelings toward it with this fic... so what happens when it's over? I'm not afraid of that anymore.

Now I'm just enjoying a large coffee, and the bittersweet feeling of endings. Please yell at me anytime. I live for it.

Love you all

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Read part 3 on AO3 here

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themoonandotherslikeit · 4 years

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What the Rain Can’t Wash Away - Chapter 23

*FINAL PIECE IN THE LOOK IN HER EYES TRILOGY*

Sixteen years after Lucifer rose and Dean lost his wife, he finds himself with a teenager, a Nephilim, an angel, and his brother living out a Full House rerun with some seriously dark undertones. How will he be able to raise his daughter, fight monsters, and deal with the loss of the love of his life? Sometimes moving on is the hardest part, but with the Winchester’s there’s always something harder around the corner. Isn’t there?

Chapter Twenty-Three, The Reasons We Stay

Dean

She stood in front of me, close enough for me to touch, but I was frozen there, my breath caught in my throat. The air seemed to have a glisten to it, like the sun was catching on snow in the air as it fell.

“I know this is a lot,” she began softly, her hands clasped together.

She was wearing one of my t-shirts and a pair of black leggings with nothing else. It was so fucking cold out, but she didn’t look cold at all. Her bare feet didn’t even make an indentation in the snow. My stomach clenched as I stared at her black painted toenails. My daughter was dead. That fact hadn’t changed.

“How?”

“I’ll tell you, but you have to promise you won’t get mad,” El said cautiously, as if she was testing my temperament.

I felt my eyebrow raise, and I folded my arms across my chest. I knew enough from the last seventeen years to know that those words never ended well. “You know I can’t promise that.”

“Well you can at least try .”

The corner of my mouth tugged up at that. The Winchester sass, god it was music to my fucking ears. “Fine. What is it? How are you here?”

“I’ve been talking to Billie.”

“Billy… like Billie ? Death, Billie?”

El raised her hands as if to silence me. Her hip popped, and she rested her hands on her hips with a raised eyebrow. “Relax, Dad. It’s a good thing.”

I narrowed my eyes. In my experience anything with Billie was a bad thing, period, end of story.

“I got a… promotion of sorts.”

“Promotion?”

“When I died… I still had some of Micheal’s grace inside of me. So my soul wasn’t completely human…” Her voice trailed off and she looked up at me through thick eyelashes.

My stomach dropped, my mouth immediately going dry. “What are you saying?”

“Dad, I’m an angel. Not just a soul in Heaven… I’m an angel.”

I just stared at her, which is probably the worst thing you can do to a teenager. Her nose wrinkled in distaste, which was a look that was all too familiar to me. “What does this mean?”

“It means,” she said softly, reaching out to take my hand. It was a trick of my mind, but I could’ve sworn I could feel her. “That I can visit, just like Cas does. It won’t be the same, but it means I’m not just dead or gone.”

I sucked in my breath, fighting back tears. It felt like a dream. It felt unreal. “But does that mean you aren’t resting, El?” I wanted to see her, of course I did. I wanted to keep her close, pluck her from heaven and crawl back into bed just the two of us like we did when she was little, and I’d stay up just watching her chest rise and fall to prove that she was still breathing. I wanted her to be alive.

But I knew better. If Billie was involved there would be no rest for my daughter.

She laughed and shook her head, squeezing my hand making my head spin. “Dad, who needs rest, really? What kind of Winchester do you think I am?” She paused, her smile faltering a bit as she reached out and touched my cheek. “What about you? You look tired, Daddy.”

A sob escaped my lips. I was betrayed by my own damn body, and I wanted to hit something. A tear rolled down my cheek, and I shook my head. “I’m not okay, baby girl. It was supposed to be me.”

“It has been you, Dad. Over and over again. You don’t have to keep doing this. You can be done.”

“I’ll never be done. Not until every monster is in its grave not until you’re avenged…”

“No. You’re not going to do that.” She dropped her hand, and she was frowning deeply now. “You won’t fight in my name. I’m fine. My family is alive. If you want to do anything in my name, get my brother back, make my mom happy and just… live.”

“How am I supposed to do that?” I was crying. I’d opened the floodgates and I couldn’t fucking stop it. I felt like a child and my knees were weak.

She let out a breath and her eyes flickered from mine.

She was just a kid. Holy and glowing and ethereal, but still just a kid. She shouldn’t have to see her dad this way. She shouldn't have to be this grown up. She shouldn’t have had to die. “I’m mad at you, kid.”

“I know. I’m not sorry.” She pulled my hand and walked me to a bench that I hadn’t realized was there before. She sat me down next to her, and she pulled her legs up to sit crisscross. Her knees brushed mine and damn it I could’ve sworn she was really there. Maybe she was. I could touch Cas, afterall. “How is Claire?”

“Better than me. She’s strong.”

“She’s lost so much.”

“You shouldn’t worry about us, El.”

“I wouldn’t if I thought you all could get along.” She glanced at me sideways with a squint. “You’re too stubborn.”

I shrugged a bit with a laugh. “Yeah, it’s my fatal flaw.”

“Nah. You love too hard, that’s your fatal flaw.” She smiled and looked off in the distance. “What about Mom and Sam?”

I winced at the mention of Ave. I fucked up, and I just kept fucking up over and over again. When would I ever learn? “They’re sad.”

“You all need to be together right now, Dad. You should be coming together to help Jack. To teach him how to be a good person even without his soul.” She let out a trembling breath. “He felt bad, Dad, for what he did. Which means there’s some humanity left in him. There has to be. Don’t abandon him. He just did what I asked him to. He saved you at all cost. He did good.”

“How could you ask him to do that?”

“What would you have done to save us?” She countered, looking at me in a way that I’m sure Ave and Sam have seen in me a thousand times. Every harebrained scheme. Every time I tried to martyr myself for the greater good. She was right. She was doing it because she learned it from me. “I didn’t want to die, Dad. Of course I didn’t. I didn’t want to leave you and Mom right after I got her back. I didn’t want to leave Claire and our future… But you just got Mom back, too. You’ve sacrificed so much for us, for the world. It’s time you get to rest. It’s time you get to retire.” She held my face in her hands and ran her thumbs across my now-closed eyelids. “Especially now. I’m sorry about your eyes.”

“You didn’t do it,” I said with a grunt.

“Still.” She leaned forward and kissed my forehead between my eyes. The gesture was so tender that it got my emotions bubbling up inside of my chest again, threatening to explode out of me. I pulled her into a hug.

“Life ain’t fair.”

“No it’s not,” She agreed, wrapping me in her own small arms. “But sometimes even in the worst situations things can be good…”

“You sure didn’t get that optimism from me,” I laughed dryly.

She pulled back a bit and looked at me, she was biting her bottom lip like she was afraid to say whatever was on her mind. “I… There’s more.”

I let out a heavy sigh. “Out with it, kid. I ain’t getting any younger.”

“There’s more that came with my promotion . I’m not only an angel, I’m sort of the angel. With the bit of archangel grace inside of me… it makes me a natural leader of heaven. Or so Billie says. The angels are lost, Dad. They need guidance.”

My daughter, the leader of angels. “I always knew you were meant for greatness.” My heart tugged a hit, and I hugged her again. “You’ve grown up really good, El. I’m proud of you.”

“Daddy will you please try, please ? Make Mom happy. Be happy yourself. Give her a special date… help Jack.. don’t fight with Sam,” her voice cracked as she hugged me tighter. “Make sure Claire doesn’t fall apart.”

I kissed her hair, holding her tightly. This is where I was always meant to be. “Will we see you again?”

“Absolutely. Pray to me, and I will try to come as fast as I can.”

Pray to her. Chuck is MIA, but I can pray and my daughter will flap down from Heaven with her big angel wings. What a weird fucking life. “I will.”

“I love you, El.”

“Me too, Dad.”

Ava

Don’t make me have died for nothing.

I had a happy life. I knew what it felt like to be protected, cherished, loved. I never took less than what I deserved, because I was surrounded by so much goodness.

Mom, I knew what love should be, because even after you were gone, Dad never stopped loving you. He never tried to move on… No matter how much I tried to make him. He always said he had his one great love. I wanted that with my whole heart, and I got that with Claire. I was loved, Mom. I died being loved.

Please don’t worry about me. I will see you all again. I’m leaving you a space next to me in my Heaven. We all know the world can’t handle this many Winchester’s all at once, but we will see each other again. I only ask one thing… Love each other fully and don’t let this destroy you. You both have spent my entire life apart and it’s time you get to be together again. A lifetime isn’t long, especially for hunters.

I love you both more than I can ever say. I couldn’t wish for better parents. I will see you both soon.

-Eleanor

I folded the paper and held it to my heart, silent tears rolling down my cheeks. She was so grown up for her age. So warm. So smart. I didn’t have my own mother. This world, this life ripped her away from me when I was too young. Here it is doing it again.

Christmas lights sparkled in the distance, and I felt a relief flood through me, beating with my heart through my bloodstream. My daughter is okay. This isn’t what we asked for, but Dean is alive. I’m alive. Against everything we have ever had happen to us, every moment of darkness we have faced… we are still standing. Despite all odds we are doing okay. Grief is powerful, I knew that, but Ella was right when she said that us falling apart would make her death be in vain. We had to live, because she couldn’t.

I folded up the letter and tucked it in my shirt over my heart and wiped my eyes, before climbing down off of the frozen billboard and heading right home to find Dean.

****

The bunker was quiet. The whole day had bled away into evening, and I hadn’t heard from Dean. This was our last shot. I wasn’t sure I could survive another rejection from him. I didn’t think my heart could take it. “Dean?” I called out, my voice coming out quieter than I expected. I was afraid. I’d never been afraid to talk to Dean, he was my person. I sucked in my breath and searched the bunker. As I was walking down the hall Sam stopped me. He was coming out of Jack’s room.

“Is he okay?”

Sam nodded and touched my shoulder. “He’s asleep. Must be really tired, since he barely slept before. Poor kid seemed tuckered out. Should’ve seen him when Claire saw him.”

“Oh god, what happened?”

“She hugged him,” Sam said softly, tears in his eyes. “El loved that kid.”

“Yeah, she does.” I squeezed his arm. “Have you seen Dean?”

He shook his head. “No. I’m sorry, Ave. he probably just needs time to cool off…”

I sucked in my breath and nodded, trying to swallow the tears that threatened to jump up my throat. “What about me, Sam? Haven’t we been apart enough?”

How much pain could one person handle?

He offered me a sad smile, but he didn’t speak, because we both knew that nothing he could say would make any difference. Words didn’t make someone care. Words didn’t turn back time.

“I think I’m going to head to bed.”

“You sure?” Sam asked, squeezing my shoulder. “I can make drinks…”

I put my hand on his, squeezing it before removing it. I nodded to him. “Yeah, I’m exhausted. I’ll see you tomorrow, Sam.”

I reached up on my tiptoes and placed a kiss on his cheek, before slipping past him and walking down to the end of the hallway to my room--Dean's room. It wasn’t mine. I didn’t know who I was kidding. If this thing ended… There’d be no sense in staying in the bunker. Sam is family… but he’s Dean’s family first, and my ex. In the end I would be left alone.

I wanted to cry-- to scream, to fall asleep for the next week.

I flipped on the light as I walked into the room and all of my breath got knocked out of my chest, my soul almost leaping out of my skin as I found Dean sitting on the edge of the bed in complete darkness, staring blankly ahead.

“Ava?”

I held my chest, gasping for breath, my heart racing under my palm. “Yeah, Dean, it’s me. Why are you just sitting in the dark?”

“Is it dark?” He frowned. “Sorry I was… I was just waiting for you.”

I softened a bit and walked to him, but as I made it to him, he stood up, almost knocking me down. “Fuck,” he murmured, grabbing me by my waste. Our chests brushed and suddenly everything melted away.

“Dean,” I whispered.

“I saw her,” he said, not even a breath later. “I saw El.”

“What?”

He nodded and pressed his forehead to mine. “She’s an angel, Ave. She had some more of Micheal’s grace and now… she’s going to run Heaven.”

“What?” My head was spinning. I tried to pull away to look at him, but his grip on me was tight. He held me in place.

“I fucked up, baby. I’m sorry. I don’t want to push you away… I don’t want to lose you, to lose us and our family. Ella said she can visit like Cas does. We can pray to her and she will come. I love you and I know I don’t deserve…”

I kissed him. I held his face, scruff, dirt and all, and I placed a deep kiss on his lips. “I promised you that I’d love you forever, Dean. Longer than death, longer than pain. In this life and the next. That means forever.”

—————

Epilogue

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themoonandotherslikeit · 4 years

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What the Rain Can’t Wash Away - Chapter 19

*FINAL PIECE IN THE LOOK IN HER EYES TRILOGY*

Chapter Nineteen, How will we survive this?

Ava

If I could’ve imagined the worst thing in the world, it would’ve been nothing compared to what was in front of me. Dean was a shell, at best. He winced at my touch, and I was trying with every piece of myself not to be angry with him or blame him. How could I? It wasn’t his fault, but fuck I needed him, too. Our daughter was dead, but the guilt was eating him alive. Probably because we all knew that there wasn’t a deal in the world that could get us out of this one. She was just gone.

I didn’t know how we would make it through. The only upside to everything, was that Dean couldn’t see me watching him, and so that’s all I did. I watched him constantly, for any sign or spark that we would be okay, or that he had a plan.

There was nothing.

I walked him in the room to see Nel, like I did when she was a baby, and he met her for the first time. He didn’t even cry, he just placed his hand on her arm and winced away, shaking his head. No. He turned and walked out without me, leaving me in the dust.

Sam caught me outside of the bunker, sitting on the hood of the Impala with my knees pressed against my chest. A half empty bottle of vodka was placed between my feet. The sky seemed dull, like the stars had lost their sparkle, but maybe it was me. Maybe I had lost my sparkle.

“Hey.”

“Sam,” I exhaled his name in a fog of breath into the cold winter night.

“How are you holding up?”

“Not good.” I shook the bottle at him before taking a swig; it stung, but not as much as everything else did. I wiped a tear with the back of my hand. “I don’t know how we are going to survive this, Sam.”

I glanced at him to catch him wince. He lowered himself next to me on the hood of the car, more leaning against it than sitting. “We’ve survived a lot of things that I never thought we would.” He was rubbing his chest with the heel of his hand and in the moonlight I could see a glisten of tears along his lash line.

“But this? She’s our girl, Sam.” I could feel my voice breaking, a spider web crack across my soul.

“I know.” He exhaled out of his nose sharply, with a small smile. “I remember the day she was born.”

“A parent isn’t supposed to live without her child. She was supposed to outlive me… outlive us.”

“We can’t give up,” Sam said intensely, turning to me. “Ave it isn’t over. It can’t be over. Nel and Jack… we will find them, and we will fix everything. I mean, fuck, you’re back after sixteen years. You don’t know what it was like losing you. That did something to Dean, to me… but we survived it, and now you’re back.”

“I want to believe you, Sam, but at some point our luck has to run out. We got Dean back, me back… but you both said it yourselves. God isn’t listening anymore.”

“Just trust me. I believe in us.”

“I want to… I really want to, but look at Dean. He’s gone, and I don’t think I can do this without him.”

“Dean’s strong, Ave. You know that,” Sam began, taking my hand in his. “He just needs some hope. We all do.”

Dean

I hated funerals, from day one I hated them, but this, nothing had ever been as bad as this. I’d lost a lot of people over the years, but nothing could compare to the pain of losing my kid. I stood, leaning on a goddamn walking stick. Ava helped me get dressed like I was a child, and no one would leave me alone for a second, not a fucking second since I’d been home. Every time I thought I was alone, I’d hear the famous hello Dean, and I’d about jump out of my skin. I had no privacy, but more than anything, I had no more fucking time.

I could hear Ava sniffling next to me like it was a loud speaker. I’d already yelled at her once today, so I felt like a big enough dick. I didn’t have a right to reach out and take her hand for comfort, and if I was being honest, I didn’t want the comfort. It was my fault that Nel was dead. I didn’t deserve the relief.

I’d only been home for a few days before we decided we needed to do it. My baby girl had been wrapped in cloth for long enough.

I could smell the gasoline burning my nose, but all I could see was Nel at one year old, standing on two fat wobbly legs, her knees with those little dimples that I thought I could drown in. I could see her with a skinned knee and two big wet eyes, crocodile tears rolling down her freckled cheeks. I could see her hand brush my cheeks as she forgave me for everything I’d done and everything I ever could do. Even at such a young age, she possessed traits that I never could. She was my whole life. At least she should’ve been, but no, hunting was my whole life. Now I didn’t even have that. Everything was ripped from me.

Suddenly I wanted to vomit, but I held my ground, pressing my palms into the smooth, polished wood of my walking stick, and pressed it into the ground. I could feel the heat and hear the hiss of the fire as it gained life.

“Ella,” Claire said, with a shaking voice. She was probably reading from her page that she’d written. It’d become a tradition. Burn your feelings along with the body, let it out into the atmosphere, breathe it into your lungs, and then breathe it out and let it go. But I thought that maybe this time, just this once; I could breathe it in and suffocate.

“I’m not good at this shit, but you deserve it. You deserve a poem or a whole novel of reasons why I love you, but I’m a bad writer. I never know the right thing to say. I’m angry all of the time, but you taught me that even when life expects us to be unhappy, that it’s okay to be happy anyway. I don’t know what to say, so I thought I’d make a list.”

I never noticed when I could see, but the salt and burn funerals smelled kind of like a barbecue.

“I love you because you’re so smart. You can spend all day reading, and I could spend all day watching you read.”

I taught her how to read.

“I love you because your laugh lights up a room. You’ve got the best smile. You could move mountains with it, and you did. You manipulated all of us with your smile.”

“Dad, please?” How could I say no to a face like hers?

“I love you because you knew how to hold a grudge. Jesus, Ella you were so petty it was ridiculous. You brought home a cat to piss off your dad and make a point...” Claire’s voice trailed off, and I could hear her laughing, but it was laced with something else. It was laced with a dark hopelessness. I recognized the sound, because it sounded like my own.

“My two other dads said it was fine. You did say they’d be taking over the parenting when you were in the middle of the ocean, right?”

“But more than anything,” her voice broke and shook with sobs. “I love you, because you are love. Everyone that you meet loves you. You love with everything in your heart. I can see it in your eyes, your face, and your body. You made this weird group a family, and you continued to love all of us even when we couldn’t love ourselves. You loved us, and I will love you my whole life.”

It’s a myth that losing a sense heightens the rest of the four senses. I didn’t gain super smell, or super hearing, but in that moment, I could’ve sworn that I could hear the sound of my own heart breaking. It was loud, like shattering glass inside of my chest. It was too fucking much. “I can’t do this,” I found myself muttering. The walking stick dropped from my hands, and I was running. I could hear Ava calling for me, and fuck it was terrifying. I was running against the blackness, away from the heat and the smoke with my hands out in front of me so I hopefully wouldn’t run smack into a tree.

Nel died. Eleanor died. Jack killed her. He murdered her and sucked her life right out of her.

“I’m scared, Dad. I don’t think I can fight him off much longer. I’m not strong enough.”

I lied to her. I told her I’d be strong enough, and I wasn’t.

I was still running and then I wasn’t. My toe caught something, a hole, a rock; it didn’t matter, because I was falling on my fucking face. My cheek stung as something sliced it right open. So I just laid there, nose in the frozen grass, hot blood falling out of my cheek, and my sunglasses skewed on my face. I probably looked fucking ridiculous, but that didn’t matter, did it? My daughter was dead, nothing mattered. Not anymore.

“Dean,” Ava said, her hand touching between my shoulder blades.

“Just leave me alone,” I snapped. “Just let me fucking be, goddamnit.”

“Dean,” Sam warned in a very parental tone, a tone he learned from me. Serves me right.

“Don’t.”

“I know you’re hurting,” Ava said, her voice breaking. “I am, too. She’s my daughter, too.”

“Not like she was mine.” It wasn’t fair. I was being a monster. Maybe I just needed her to hate me as much as I hated myself.

“You’re right, you stubborn fuck. You got sixteen years with her. I didn’t even get one.” I heard the sound of her stand up and storm away, the soft thuds of her shoes against the grass.

I sighed into the blood that was pooling into my mouth. Maybe Sammy would just let me drown there. I had no such luck, though. He reached around me and rolled me over. “You’re such an asshole,” he complained. “Claire’s gonna kick your ass for ruining Ella’s funeral.”

“Not helping, man,” I grumbled.

“You’re not helping either, Dean. We all love her. Not just you.”

I pulled away from Sam’s grip, and he forced my walking stick back into my hand.

“So fucking make it right with Ava,” he demanded. “She didn’t deserve that.”

He was right.

“I need some time,” I said weakly.

I heard Sam groan and suddenly there was a hand on my shoulder, I recognized the warmth of the palm that grazed over an old scar that had healed. “Cas,” I said with a sigh.

“I’ll come with you, Dean. You shouldn’t be alone.”

“I don’t need a babysitter,” I complained.

“We don’t care,” Sam added. “I’m going to check on Ave.”

I nodded in the general direction of my brother’s voice, then turned toward where Cas’ arm was coming from. “I can’t do this, Cas.”

“You’re strong, Dean.”

“No, I’m not. Not strong enough.”

“There’s nothing more difficult than losing a child…”

“We didn’t lose her,” I hissed through gritted teeth. “She was murdered.”

“Dean,” Cas warned.

“Why haven’t you found anything?” I asked, shrugging out of his grip, holding onto the fucking walking stick for dear life.

“I've been searching, but Jack… Jack doesn’t want to be found.”

“What about Heaven?”

I could hear the familiar hesitation in Cas’ breathing that always came when Dean mentioned Heaven.

“You wouldn’t let me lock myself in that fucking box and now my kid is dead. I don’t give a shit if you don’t want to go to Heaven, Cas. Get your ass up there and bring her back,” I demanded with a force that I hadn’t used with Cas before. We were family, who the fuck do I think I am?

“Dean…”

“Don’t Dean me, damn it! Just do it!”

There was a woosh of air, and even though I didn’t see it, I knew that I was alone. For the first fucking time since I’d been blinded, I was completely alone.

Ella

I’d talked Dad into it. Sam thought it was a good idea, and so did Cas, but that didn’t stop Dad’s annoying insistence that I didn’t need an anti-possession tattoo.

“You won’t be anywhere near demons, so it’s a non-issue.”

“You don’t know that!”

We didn’t fight about a lot of things, but hunting was the one exception to the rule.

“You sure you don’t want to get a flower or something?” Dad asked anxiously, scratching the back of his head as the artist shaved the inside of my arm and prepped the area.

“Yes, I’m sure,” I laughed, shaking my head. “Come on and hold my hand, Dad.”

He made an annoyed face at me, sitting in the chair next to me. He took my hand, curling his fingers around mine.

It was a rite of passage, like I was officially a Winchester. So I put on a brave face, but as the stinging started I sucked in my breath.

“Hey kid, you have to remember to breathe.”

“Right,” I said through gritted teeth. I closed my eyes, trying to focus on my breathing. My god, I’m a huge baby!

“You remember Kevin?”

What? “Y-yeah I do.”

“He cried like a baby when he got his,” Dad said gently, stroking the back of my hand. “And his mom, Mrs. Tran, took it like a badass. Didn’t even wince.”

I let out a pained laugh and opened my eyes to meet my father’s concerned gaze. It was the same look he gave me when I had appendicitis when I was eight, or when I fell of my bike. I smiled at him tenderly. I knew my whole life that he would never let anything happen to me if he could help it. It was never a question on if I was safe with him. The life didn’t scare me, but I think that’s part of being a Winchester, too. It’s in my blood. The responsibility of knowledge. “You knew a lot of badass women, Dad.”

“I still do,” he said softly, pushing a hair off my forehead.

He was going to teach me how to drive when we left here, officially. I’d gotten my learners permit, and I was dying to learn. He’d been dragging his feet, but he knew I was growing up.

The artist’s gun went back over the same space to thicken the line, and I tensed up, squeezing his hand tighter. “Hey, you’ve got it,” Dad murmured, leaning closer to me. “You’re a fighter, kid. You can get through anything.” He was petting my hair and humming to me softly.

I knew he was feared from other hunters and monsters, but sometimes it was hard to see him for anything other than what he was to me.

There was a loud sound outside of the shop, shouting and something else that I didn’t recognize. The artist let up on the gun, and I sat up, turning toward the front door just in time to see Castiel push through the blacked out glass door. “Cas?” I asked, confused. “What’re you doing here? Is everything okay?”

He looked around confused, his eyebrows together, and his blue eyes scanning the area. “This is your Heaven? Getting a tattoo?”

“Heaven?” I turned to where Dad was sitting to find him gone. It was just Cas, and I alone in the shop. “Shit,” I murmured as everything flowed back to me. Michael. “He killed me, didn’t he?”

“It’s complicated,” Cas said with a sigh. He walked up to me and sat in Dad’s empty seat.

“Cas what happened? What aren’t you telling me?”

He took my hands in his, which made me immediately feel sick to my stomach. He wasn’t known to lie to me, if anything he was the most truthful of the three. He was an angel, and he believed in honesty. In most instances, he believed that we deserved the whole truth. “I will tell you everything,” he agreed, but before he began speaking he pulled me into a tight hug. It was unexpected, and I was stiff at first, but I quickly redirected and wrapped my arms around him. “It is good to see you, Eleanor. It is very good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you, too, Cas,” I whispered into his shoulder.

Castiel was emotional for an angel, sure, but for a person he’d never been much of a hugger. Every time I would try to hug him, he felt stiff and awkward, which was part of his charm nonetheless. But the tightness of his hug told me almost everything that I needed to know. Things were really bad, and as far as solutions go, they sent him to me… which meant that they had none.

—————

Chapter Twenty, A Little Piece of Heaven

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themoonandotherslikeit · 4 years

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What the Rain Can’t Wash Away - Chapter 22

*FINAL PIECE IN THE LOOK IN HER EYES TRILOGY*

Chapter Twenty-Two, Happy Birthday Eleanor

Ava

“She would’ve been seventeen today,” I said softly, my words laced with pain. It was Christmas Eve, and I would never forget the day that I held my baby for the first time.

“I remember,” Sam said, lowering himself down next to me.

“I never got to celebrate a birthday with her.” It felt a little wrong to sulk around Dean, considering everything. But Sam was different. He was always the person that I could go to when everything else seemed wrong.

“You celebrated the most important one.”

“Doesn’t count.”

“It does,” Sam said seriously, pressing his fingers to my shoulder. “Without you she wouldn’t have ever existed. I was there that day, remember? It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever been apart of.”

“Have you ever thought about having kids, Sam?”

“I do have kids. Two.”

I glanced at him, and he met my eyes with a deep, pained sadness. Eleanor was of my blood, my womb, my body, but she belonged to Sam so much more than she would ever belong to me. It was the thing that comforted me so much in the beginning, but now a jealousy raged deep within me that I honestly wasn’t proud of. “We have to find Jack,” I said finally. I couldn't bring back Eleanor, but maybe I could do that.

“Dean wants to kill him,” Sam said solemnly. “I don’t know if it’s safe to bring him back here.”

“Ella wants us to find him. He should respect that.”

Sam sighed heavily. “Ave, no offense, but you don’t know what he looks like when he loses someone. You’ve never had to see it before. He isn’t himself. He was like this when he lost you, but this is so much worse.”

I felt sick to my stomach and looked down fighting the stinging in my eyes and the burning in the back of my throat. It was more than I could bare, but on the other hand… we would’ve never had any of this. I died that day in the graveyard, and then we lost Dean. I died again, and it sounds like the boys kept up the trend. “Maybe we just weren’t meant to all be together.”

“Maybe not.”

“But that seems wrong, too.”

Sam nodded in agreement. “It does.”

“Well then… fuck fate. Fuck all of this. Fuck the plan! We deserve to be together. We are going to find Jack. Dean’s visiting El’s grave. We have some time.” I stood up, wiping the dust off of my pants, and I offered Sam my hand. “What do you think?”

There was a flicker in his eyes, and he took my hand. “Fuck it, okay.”

Dean

Cas dropped me at the graveyard. Ave wanted us to get her a gravemarker. It’d be somewhere for us to go. Dad had one, and we had one for Ave, even though she obviously wasn’t in there. Guess it made sense when I thought about it that way.

“Pray when you’re done.”

I waved Cas off. I was gonna freeze to death out here in the snow on Christmas Eve, and that was fucking fine with me. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anybody, so I wasn’t gonna.

I fell to my knees and reached out my hand to find her name. The letters were carved in, but they felt foreign to me. It was hard to put the pieces together, the lines in the smooth stone were meaningless when I couldn’t see them. What was a name worth anyway? She had enough of them and each felt like it wasn’t enough to describe her. She carried the weight of both of our mothers, and all of her parents. But how did that come across from etchings in granite? The fuck was the point?

I wanted to scream, or cry, or fucking hit something, but I knew that nothing would make me feel better. I was just pissed. I was pissed at the world, at myself, Micheal, Jack, Chuck, Ava, and fuck I was pissed at El. She was too reckless. It wasn’t her job to save me. I was supposed to protect her.

“You’re reckless,” I said angrily, my jaw tight. Maybe saying it to her would help, even though she was in Heaven and she couldn't hear me. “Which I guess fuckin’ fits since you’re my kid. Not sure what else I expected, if I’m bein’ honest.”

I sighed and pressed my forearm to the headstone and rested my head against my arm. “I just miss you, kid. Not sure who I am without you. I’ve been your dad for sixteen years. Who the fuck am I if I’m not your dad?”

I felt like a whiner, but I honestly didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t have an answer. “Who am I without you… A shitty brother, terrible husband… I wanna be with your mom. I want things to be like they used to be, but I don’t even know how to do that. I don’t know how to be me…”

It felt like something was stirring inside of me, something dark. It was a cloud hanging low. It was something I couldn’t get away from. I couldn’t run from myself, and I couldn’t run from the fucking darkness that was surrounding me. There wasn’t any light, not anymore.

Sam

“Jack!”

It felt like a dumb idea, but who was I to tell Ave no? I wasn’t really in the place to shoot down ideas, but I’d been praying to him ever since that night. I didn’t think yelling into the void was going to make much of a difference. “Jack!” I held my arms out and let out a sigh. “Ave this isn’t working...”

“You have to focus.” She hit the back of my shoulder. “Talk to him like you’re just talking to him, not like you’re yelling into the sky.”

I let out a grumble and closed my eyes. “Fine, fine.” I tried to focus, but it was hard. It all hurt too much, because deep inside I knew it wasn’t going to work. That hope I’d been holding onto was dwindling by the second. “Jack,” I began, letting out a breath. “I’m sorry, man. We want you back with us. We’re your family. We aren’t mad we just… we just want to make sure you’re okay.” I winced. It felt a little forced, but more than anything it felt really awkward with Ava staring at me.

I opened an eye and shook my head. “You mind?”

“Sorry,” she squeaked. “But I don’t think you really mind.”

I rolled my eyes. “I kind of do I…”

“Sam.” I didn’t believe I’d heard it at first. Felt like a dream.

I stood up a little straighter and turned. “Jack.”

He stood in front of me, the blonde kid with his hands clasped together. He avoided my eyes. “I’m sorry. “

I pulled him into my chest without a second thought. I held him against me and squeezed gently. He sucked in his breath in surprise and hugged me back. “Missed you, kid. Glad you’re home.”

Ava

We brought Jack inside, and I wrapped a blanket around his shoulders. He’d been running around without a coat! I made him a cup of coco and sat him down at the counter. “Where have you been?” I didn’t mean to react so intensely, but my motherly instincts were in overdrive. Maybe it was the sight of the child mixed in with my grief and the knowledge that my own daughter wasn’t coming home.

“I’m sorry.” Jacks voice was so heavy, and he couldn’t look us in the eye.

“Sweetie,” I crouched in front of him. “You didn’t mean to…”

His eyes welled up. “I didn’t… Ellie wanted me to give you this.” He unclenched his fist and a folded piece of paper fell out.

I caught it before it could fall to the floor. It was warm from being in Jack’s hand for who knows how long. “You saw El? When?”

“She was in Heaven.”

I knew it already, but hearing it didn’t hurt any less. I swallowed hard and looked at the page in my hand. I shouldn’t read it without Dean, but there it was… how could I wait?

Sam squeezed my shoulder supportively, and I looked to him. The softness in his expression made a sob catch in my throat. “I’ll just… Maybe I need a second.”

“Sure thing. I’ll make Jack lunch.” Sam eyed Jack with a smile. “How bout a burger?”

Jack sniffled and shrugged. I tousled his hair and smiled at him as I stood. “You did good, Jack. You saved Dean.” I blinked away a tear, trying with everything that I had inside of me to keep my shit together for another minute. I pulled him into a hug and felt him stiffen in my arms. “I can’t thank you enough for saving him. We would’ve all been dead if it weren’t for you.” I tried to sound convincing over my crushing grief, because it was the truth. He did save us, even if we still lost so much in the process.

****

It was the spot she went to to escape, so it was only fitting that I go there to read her letter. The sky was dark and heavy with clouds, and the air smelled like snow. It was fucking freezing and the ice on the ladder threatened to send me plummeting to my death as I climbed up to the billboard. I sat with my back against the billboard and my ass already feeling frozen from the metal landing. I didn’t care, though, it reminded me that I was alive.

I could see out in front of me the street cleaning truck depositing salt on the roads in anticipation of the storm. The Christmas lights already flickered to life around Lebanon and i felt as anti-Christmas as I possibly could be. Scrooge had nothing on me. I was his and the Grinch’s love child with no hopes of learning an important lesson. I was beyond tired and there was nothing I wanted less than to cry up on a billboard overlooking a town that didn’t belong to me, holding the letter of my dead teenage daughter, completely alone. But I opened the letter nonetheless, because it wasn’t about me, it was about her. That’s what being a parent was, it was doing things for your kids even when it hurts.

I let out a breath of frozen air that seemed to crystallize and dance in front of my eyes. “I wonder what your heaven looks like, baby girl. I hope it’s beautiful there.”

I pressed the paper to my nose and breathed in. I wasn’t sure what I expected, but it just smelled like paper and winter air. Not that I knew what Eleanor smelled like anymore. The smell that came to mind was still the baby shampoo and Jergens lotion. That intoxicating smell that seemed to radiate off babies. I missed the smell.

My eyes stung at the thought, because Dean and I always talked about having more kids. That seemed like a distant memory now. How could we have a big family when there was such a gaping hole between us?

I unfolded the page, deciding to leave one pain for another.

I ran my fingers over the words, sucking in my breath. I think I’d expected some kind of mystical, angelic text, but it was just the curly messy scrawl of a teenager.

Dear Mom and Dad,

First let me say, I’m fine. Really. This isn’t one of those Winchester things were I say I’m fine, and I’m actually not. All is well. Heaven is nice. I miss you both, but I don’t know...l guess dying kind of gives a girl some perspective. Who knew?

Anyway, I wanted to talk about Jack. I know you’re both upset, well at least Dad is, but you can’t be. He did the right thing. He promised me that he would take care of Micheal no matter what. That he would save as many of us as possible. He did good. I wish I didn’t have to take the shot, trust me I do. I had dreams of growing up, marrying Claire, helping with the family business… but I had to go. It’s the Winchester way, isn’t it? I kind of think it was always going to end up this way. So don’t be too sad, okay? Forgive Jack, take care of each other, and be happy. Micheal is dead. It’s a win… so just take the win. Don’t make me have died for nothing.

Dean

It started with a gentle flap, like that fucking bird sound that happened right before Cas seemed to appear. It was a soft breeze, and I let out a frustrated sigh. “I’m fine, Cas. Just leave me be.” A hand rested on my shoulder, and it was too small to belong to Castiel. It squeezed with dainty fingers. I squinted in the darkness, like maybe if I tried hard enough I could breath through the blindness. “Ave?” But no, it didn’t feel like Ave. I swallowed hard, but it felt like cotton going down.

“Dad.”

It was a cruel fucking joke, but it did sound just like her. “The fuck are you?”

“Your daughter.”

Her hand was warm even through my leather coat. It didn’t make any sense. “No. Eleanor is dead.”

“That’s true,” she said it so simply that it made my chest ache.

“Stop it.”

I wanted to shrug her off, but I couldn’t.

“Dad I…”

“You’re not my daughter,” I hissed through clenched teeth. “Please stop.”

“I am…” Her voice was soft like the breeze, and I clamped my eyes shut tightly.

“You can’t be.”

“Let me just show you.”

It was like someone turned on the fucking lights. It was a finger brush to my forehead, and I could see everything. It almost hurt my eyes, and it didn’t make any sense, because my eyes were gone. I had plastic in their place. Maybe it was a djin or maybe…

“Dad.”

I turned slowly at the sound of her voice, and I suddenly couldn’t breathe. “El.”

“Hi Daddy.”

—————

Chapter Twenty-Three, The Reasons We Stay

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themoonandotherslikeit · 4 years

Text

What the Rain Can’t Wash Away - Chapter 21

*FINAL PIECE IN THE LOOK IN HER EYES TRILOGY*

Chapter Twenty-One, I Can See it

Ava

Dean held me against his chest, and I could hear the quick beats of his heart softly against my ear. He was stroking my hair and the space between my shoulder blades. It was disorienting how much he still smelled exactly the same, just like I remembered him smelling. Even after all of this time. It made me hurt. It made me want to cry. He pulled me closer, maybe sensing my pain.

“I can feel it,” he murmured against my hair.

“Feel what?” I asked. My voice was barely above a whisper, it was all that I could manage without falling apart. I worried that if I spoke too loud it would shatter my heart like glass.

“This.” His fingers blindly felt for my face and settled on my lips, tracing my frown. “You’re sad.”

“Yes.”

“Sex with me made you sad.”

“No,” I responded, my lips curling into a small smile against his fingers. “May be the only thing that doesn’t make me sad right now.”

“I’m sorry that this is what you came home to,” Dean said, his voice breaking. It was rough and deep with emotion, with the same heartbreak that I was feeling in my own chest.

I tangled my leg with his in response and buried my face into his chest.

“I’m sorry I’m what you came home to…”

“Dean,” I whispered, moving my face away from his chest to look at him even though he couldn’t see me. I touched his cheek. His plastic eyes stared forward, his eyelids blinking. Castiel did a good job healing the scarring around his eyes. They were minimal considering. My thumb ran across his cheekbone, and I sucked in my breath, trying to swallow the emotions bubbling inside of me. “I don’t remember where I was before I was here, and I don’t want to. A parent should never lose their child. Ever. It’s unnatural… it’s horrible.”

His arms tightened around me, snaking around my back, capturing me in an almost-suffocating hug. He was listening, his eyebrows furrowed. I didn’t need to see the softness in the iris of his eyes, because I could see the focus in his jaw, the gentle, unconscious nod of his head as he understood my words. He was a stubborn ass, but he always listened to me. Time hadn’t changed that.

“But I’d still rather be here with you than dead.” My voice broke with a sob, trembling, unsteady. My fingers curled into a fist against his cheek and slid down to rest above his heart. “We never had enough time. We never…”

“Hey,” he said, pulling me back down. “You don’t have to.”

“She’s our baby, Dean.”

“I know.”

My face was in the middle of his chest, breathing in the scent of his skin with every sharp intake of breath. My chest, throat, and nose burned like my tears were made of glass. Every edge was pointed, jagged. The loss cut into me like razor blades. His face was in my hair. He was mumbling something that I couldn’t hear over the shattering sound inside my chest that echoed like an empty cathedral. I never believed in God, but somehow knowing that he is out there and that he doesn’t care was somehow so much worse. I hated him with the little bit of fire I had left inside of me.

My hair was wet from Dean’s tears, and I pulled my face back to his. The world blurred and bled together, and I kissed him. It was wet, sloppy, and tinted with the salt from our tears. One of his hands found my cheek and held my face there. He was drinking me in, deepening the kiss, drowning me in exactly what I’d needed since I lost Eleanor, since everything broke in a way that couldn’t be repaired.

Ella

Billie leaned against her scythe. She had a scythe. That couldn’t be good. She wore a long leather coat that hit her mid-calf, and all I could think was that Claire would love it. My chest ached for her, and I hoped that she would be okay. I hoped they all would.

She was watching me, waiting for me to do something, anything. I just sat there. What a fucking disappointment I must be. “So as fun as it is to just stare at each other…”

“I was giving you a minute,” Billie said, pursing her lips. “You’ve had an eventful day.”

“To put it mildly.” I watched her for a second, waiting for a movement, anything, but she was still. She was poised and patient. She looked like she had all of the time in the world. “So who… what are you?”

A smirk grew on Billie’s painted lips, amused and a little taunting. “I go by many names.”

“Cryptic, but it’s fine.”

“The most famous is Death.”

“Death?”

“Death. With all capital D.”

My eyebrows shot up. “Death? The Death? You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

“If only,” she said, almost sounding bored.

“You probably know my dad then.”

“I know him well.” Oh she knew him alright, and it didn’t sound like it was fondly. She walked towards me slowly before planting her scythe on the ground at the foot of my bed. “You’re dead Eleanor.”

“I know,” I said with a frown. Does she think I’m dumb?

“You died, because Jack pulled Michael from you.”

I shifted uncomfortably, a hot itch starting deep in my throat as she spoke. I didn’t like it. “Yeah thanks for the recap but I think…” I tried to stand up, but she held out a hand, halting me in place. I was frozen completely, paralyzed. I couldn’t move my arms or legs. My bottom lip trembled.

She shook her head disapprovingly. “We aren’t done talking.”

Dean

I could kiss Ava forever. If it was up to me I would. We would never leave the bed. It was easy for everything else to melt away as her lips bled into mine, her warm, soft mouth. The tickle of her fluttering eyelashes against my cheek made a chill run up my spine. I stroked a raised stretch mark next to her belly button with my thumb. I tried to bring her body back to my mind. I tried to picture it, to see it, but I couldn’t.

My jaw set mid kiss. Fuck, I’ve lost it all. I wanted to scream, to fucking hit something.

“Dean?”

I took her hips in my hands and moved her off of me carefully. I could feel her muscles tense against my hands, but she said nothing. I swung my legs over the side of the bed as I sat up. My feet touched the floor, the cool concrete grounding me. I put my face in my hands. My elbows rested on my thighs.

“Dean,” she whispered again. She pressed a kiss to my shoulder blade, and I winced. “Is it me?”

I wanted to laugh, but it all hurt too damn bad. I didn’t have it in me. “You’re crazy if you think it is.” I let out a heavy sigh.

“Then what…”

“I can’t remember what you look like. Your body… fuck, I dreamed about it every night after I lost you.” I pulled my head out of my hands and faced out in front of me. It was all dark. I could’ve been in a cave, motel room, in the middle of the fucking street, and I wouldn’t know the difference. “I won’t be able to remember her either. I won’t be able to remember what she looked like. What kind of man… what kind of father am I if I can’t remember what my wife and daughter’s faces look like?”

“Dean.”

She just kept saying my name like she didn’t know any other words. It should’ve annoyed me. Jesus Christ say anything else! It didn’t annoy me, though. It grounded me. My name coming out of her lips was like an anchor tied to my leg. It was solid. I wouldn’t fly away. I matched my breathing to hers. Steadily in and out with a woosh. She said my name like she invented it, and I was starting to wonder how I ever existed without her.

“You don’t need to see me to know me,” Ava said gently. She took my hand in hers and fuck they were so soft. Her hands weren’t like mine. They weren’t worked to the bone, damaged, rough. Her hands were the opposite of mine. She was the opposite of me and somehow that connected us together. She completed me in a way that I didn’t even know wasn’t whole until I met her. She filled a hole that I didn’t even know I had. “You know my body, Dean Winchester.” She ran my hand along her body slowly, tantalizingly. My breath hitched in my throat as my fingers trailed along the length of her neck, soft and endless. A ridge where her neck ends and her shoulder begins, collarbones poking through a thin layer of skin.

She slowly guided my fingers across the fullest place of her breast. I tested the weight in my hand. I ran my thumb along her nipple from the outside in, feeling it harden under my touch. The sound of her sucking in her breath was magnified. Holy fuck. I guided my mouth to her breast, recalling purely by muscle memory how she liked to be touched. I took her nipple between my lips and gave a gentle suck eliciting a dangerous sound from Ava. She was coming undone, unwrapping for me like a present.

My grief was still there as I guided myself inside of her. It was still present in the back of my mind as I felt her spine curve, back arching as I flipped her over. I held her there hovering just above the comforter. The pain deep within us would always be there. I think I knew that. It fucking hurt worse than any pain I’d ever felt, but we couldn’t let it rip us apart. I held Ava there with the arch of her back in my hand, and I worried that she would fall through my fingers like sand and disappear where I could never find her again. I couldn’t lose her too, and I’m such a fucking idiot, I almost did.

Ava

My head fell back, and I let out a frustrated breath. He was withholding, bringing me close and letting up, drawing it out as long as possible. My thigh was twitching and I was barely able to keep up, to move along with him, because my bones felt like jello. There was a sudden pressure on my body, something foreign and light. It felt like I was being watched, like eyes were on me. My eyes opened lazily, my eyelids heavy with euphoria.

“Dean!” I squeaked as I grabbed for the comforter, anything to cover up with.

“Yeah, Ave, fuck… say…”

“No, no, ” I said, reaching up and pressing my fingers to his lips to stop him from making it any worse than it already was.

He looked confused, his eyebrows coming together. “What…”

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel grunted. He stood in the open doorway, the light from the hallway bleeding into our bedroom.

“Cas?! What the fuck man?” Without missing a beat Dean pulled me up against him to shield me from view, but keeping himself planted firmly inside of me. I could feel him twitch deep within me, almost sending me toppling over the edge even with the angel’s eyes locked on her naked back.

Castiel made a noise of discontent. “I wouldn’t normally interrupt, but I thought you may be interested in hearing about your daughter. Maybe I’m wrong though,” he said sharply. “Maybe you don’t really care.” He turned on his heels, his trench coat whipping around as he slammed the door behind him.

Dean pinched the bridge of his nose. “Ave I’m…”

“No,” I said, moving off of him. I pulled the comforter to my chest. We were ignoring reality, playing pretend. It couldn’t last forever. “He’s right. We need to see what he found out about Nel.”

“Okay,” he said quietly.

It was dark, but the look on his face was as clear as day. Eyebrows together, jaw set, eyes wet along the edges. “Here,” I said, reaching down and getting his shirt. I placed it in his palm, and he curled his fingers around it.

He put his shirt on and stood up, fumbling to his dresser to pull out a pair of sweatpants. He felt along the waistband for the tag to make sure they were oriented correctly and slipped them on.

“Dean?”

“Yeah?” He asked, resting his palms on the dresser. I could see him in the mirror, his face facing forward, his plastic eye was completely blank.

“It was nice,” I murmured. “While it lasted.”

Even if it was all a lie.

Dean

I could feel her eyes on me like a pressure on the back of my neck. She was disappointed, and fuck so was I. We were living in a fantasy world for just a second, we were living in a world where everything could be made fine with the brush of her lips. It wasn’t reasonable.

I didn’t wait for her to finish dressing. Instead I just stumbled out into the hallway alone. “Cas,” I grumbled, cranky and rough. “Come on, don’t leave a blind guy stumbling around.”

Just like that a hand curled around my forearm, and I knew it immediately. I turned my face toward where I knew Cas was, and I offered him a smug smile. “What’s the news?”

“Let’s go sit down, Dean.”

“Don’t feel much like sittin’.”

“But I do,” he said sharply. His voice was staccato, pointed, and a little mean. I probably deserved that.

He lead me down the hallway to the kitchen. I was getting a pretty good handle on my directions inside of the bunker, but only because I couldn’t let Sam bring home a seeing eye dog.

“Sit down, Dean,” Cas said, placing my hand on a chair. I let out a grumbled noise and lowered myself onto the chair. I folded my arms across my chest.

“Why are you so pissed, Cas?”

“You’re infuriating, Dean. You’re a child. Even after all of this time, I am still shocked by it. Perhaps that’s my folly, though. I shouldn’t be surprised anymore.”

“You came here to lecture me?”

“No.”

“Then why?” I gritted my teeth.

“I spoke to Eleanor.”

“What?”” Ava’s voice was soft. I didn’t even hear her enter the room.

“How?” I asked, clenching my fists. I felt like I wanted to explode. How was he getting to talk to her? Why him and not me? Why is she dead and not me?

“I went to visit her in heaven,” Castiel said carefully.

He may as well have stabbed me in the fucking chest. I cleared my throat, trying to swallow back the pain inside of me. It felt like swallowing hot coals.

“She wanted me to tell you that she’s okay. She doesn’t want us to stop being a family.”

My jaw tightened, and I let a tear roll down my cheek. I didn’t bother to wipe it. What was the fucking point? “Oh yeah? That’s the big update? What am I supposed to do with that, Cas? Huh? That supposed to make everything better?”

“No I…”

“Just fucking stop, okay.”

“She knew it wasn’t Jack’s fault,” Cas said insistently. “She wants us to find him. She wants us to…”

“I said fucking stop!” I stood up, shoving my hands out to signal him to shut the fuck up, wherever he was. “I don’t want to hear it, okay? She wants us to play nice, well she’s the kid, and I’m the parent; and she’s not here to make me.”

Ella

I looked at Billie cautiously. “Just spill it. You want to punish me for my Dad evading death over and over again, right? You want to pull me into the nothingness or whatever. Blip me from existence. I get it. Just like… can we hurry up with it?”

Bille pursed her lips and eyed me. “Your bravery is admirable, but no. quite the contrary, actually.” She leaned on her scythe and smiled at me. “You died with angelic grace still inside of you. Turns out heaven doesn’t have a leader. Before Jack came to see you Duma had an unfortunate accident. Now there is a position to be filled.”

“What are you saying?”

“How would you like a promotion, Eleanor?” Her eyes narrowed challenging.

“What’s the offer?”

“I think we can work it out in your favor.” She lowered herself to sit at the edge of my bed and tilted her head. It softened her expression. “I know how you Winchester’s operate. I think you’ll be happy with the offer.”

“We’ll see,” I said cautiously. “If you know how we operate then you know that I was taught not to negotiate with monsters.”

“I’m hardly a monster,” she said, almost sounding offended.

“Sure thing, Death.”

“Touche.”

—————

Chapter Twenty-Two, Happy Birthday Eleanor

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